Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Blood, Sh*t and Sex

Episode Date: April 23, 2012

YKWD is joined by Big Jay Oakerson and Jen Remauro.   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com. Hey Danny. Hey buddy. Oh yeah, yeah, we got a new sponsor for the You Know What Dude podcast. So awesome. So awesome, really good sponsor. I'm very proud to announce that Adam and Eve is a new sponsor that you know what

dude podcast. And you know what Dan, I want to ask you a couple questions because have you been looking to spice things up on the bedroom? Dan, I've been looking to do anything in the bedroom. You've been fantasizing about surprising you to love with an adventurous new toy or adult movie Dan. Who does ain't Bubby? Well, here's an offer for you.

You won't be able to rent. GIF. It's actually an awesome deal. If you go to Adam and Eve.com, for a limited time only, you're gonna get 50% off, but any item you want, that's not all. When you do select your one item at 50% off, you're also gonna get three free adult DVDs

for a little inspiration. And a free extra gift, so central, we can't even mention it on the podcast. A podcast, by the way, which has talked about anal fishers and the top it all off. We're even going to throw in free shipping on your entire order. And no, we're not teasing. Free shipping is the best. That's, I mean, you get the three free movies, you get the 50% off a gift,

you get the free extra gift, which is just, you don't even know what it is. So it's the surprise, so it's a double gift, because it's free, and it's a surprise, because we all love surprises, and you get the free shipping, which is the best. So go check out Adamineave.com today for this special offer, get 50% off, one item when you type riot, R-I-O-T, for the offer code upon checkout. When you do, you'll get three free DVDs,

a free extra gift, and free shipping. Just use offer code riot at anemoneave.com. Hey, what's up? You know what, dude, fans? Make sure you get a comedy awards.com and vote for the best comedy app, me, Robert Kelly Live. You can vote once a day, every every day until the awards next week make sure you go and vote comedy words calm best comedy app vote once a day get all your friends to vote we want to fucking win this thing thank you corporate damn. Robert Kelly is going to be at Uncle Vinnie's on the 27th of April and

you will have a very good time. This is my corporate tone. You know what I'm getting? I'm not supposed to be high pitch to the whole thing I like it high pitch you know what dude podcast number fucking if you got hit with a sedative that's what it sound like well some guy they some actually told me wrote me why don't you number the shut the fuck up what for a catalog of it. Dude, I was supposed to- You'll notice in episode 98, there's a here. I was doing these fucking shits and giggles on an iPhone.

You're lucky I'm fucking, we're up to 100 something. Fucking reference season four. Yeah. Good, good, good. We got, this is actually another, we've been doing, uh, as a fucking dog pub. I don't know if it's dog hair or my pubes because they're both the same colors my white dog now.

You rubbing off on the microphone? We got a special episode, we got of course fucking monster voice, aka fucking Dan. So the aka the fucking original 1800s hooker. Dude, that picture is fucking awesome. You've tripping me a picture of an old lady that looks exactly like me, but she's a prostitute from the 1800s. She was the most famous prostitute in Virginia City in Reno.

God damn it. And it looks exactly like I walked into the museum. I'm like, that's Dan Sotas face. Dan Soto. I'm very mad. Yeah, he was sucking dick for gold nuggets. I knew I had a former life, a barrel of gunpowder, and some gank them. Yeah, I will let you finger-fuck my gun for a beaver moment.

Oh, my hock. My musky 1800 fucking snooze. That's right. For some gunpowder. But is the picture of a fireman's hat next to him? What's the significance, though? A lot to fuck firefighters. I like the firefighter cat a lot.

Just hot. We have, I'm going gonna let them introduce themselves. Of course we have Kelly, but have you figured it out? I think from last week it was Fat Kelly. I think that's gonna probably... Right, thank you for Kelly. Kelly, you're like me and Jesus.

Kelly used to be really fat. Really fat, yeah. But he's, I am Kelly. I swear to God. Yes, boys. Come on. Do you catch it? It's really fat. Not us fat. She was fat. She was gonna make his brothers and all. I'm losing weight, boys. You're not, I'm gonna, I wanna bring that up. You're out of losing weight.

Anyways, of course we have Big J. Very, very funny guys, you got a zone podcast and he is losing weight. You lose a lot of weight. Losing weight. You know you gotta be. But anytime you're right on the February, so it's a pretty good snow. You know, a couple of fat dudes like us.

Well, here it is. We both, I've been skinny. Oh yeah, I remember you were so hot. I've been three times, you've seen it three. You see, but I mean, like when I first met you, that was one skinny, then you saw me skinny too, and then last skinny was two years ago, that was pretty good too.

But the first skinny was great. First skinny was great. Like abs and shit. We used to go to colleges and you had your headshots with like Jason Prisley. I remember walking down the street in New York City and it was hot out and I just took my shirt off. Oh, I could not. That skinny.

Okay, let me ask you a question. And this is all honestly a question. I've never been in shape or thin ever. Right. So I don't know what that's like and how it is to deal with going from being in shape at one point to being like heavy and uncomfortable with your body when it possibly like, it's, I've never felt the opposite way.

Mind boggling. Yeah, because you're going from, it's different now that I'm married, but you're going from a girl taking your shirt off I'm doing that top button on your button fly and going oh my god I literally I've had girls go literally when they do both hands down your ass They go so stock my god, and then your cock falls out Bobby really was on some cinematics 20s. Yeah, to to have an Asian lane going you you big

Slapping your back fat You big you roll over My Nails going down is perfect Just imagining the red nails going down this perfect six pack. Did this fucking clammy Asian hand? I'm gonna talk. Time lapse photography of a girl's hand on your stomach and then eventually the stomach just starts coming over.

Hey, hold on. We've, dude, my tattoos have changed. What is it? What I'm saying? Like my tattoos were over here. Then they go like over there. Cause I, you say Bobby now just says Obb

Yeah, it's uh it's fucked up man, but yeah, I mean I I mean you you'll lose a weight now You actually look pretty fucking damn good. I'm getting there. I still got plenty to go But I haven't been under 300 pounds since high school how old are you how I mean how much do you weigh? I'm like 280 now, but I was like 340 My words. Well, let me I fucking what we just fucking I know when it's a bunch of yappers on the show When you can't get past fucking introduction everybody Jen. I your last name is harder pronounced for me Yeah, it's remorrow remorrow. Why do you go by Vaughan house of Vaughan? What is that? Cause Vaughan's a sexy name. It's pretentious.

I mean, to have a stage name, I was given it by my ex-boyfriend. It's your stage name. It was. I got rid of it when I broke up with the ex-boyfriend who also had a stage name. He had a stage name. He did.

Wait a minute. What are you like, he knighted you? Yeah, he knighted me. From now on, you shall be known only as from the house of God The crest of the Falcon The blades of justice From here for

You shall He's got a microphone What was his page name? God I. Say it. That was your boyfriend. That's why I didn't want to say it. I was saying, you know, hell yeah. You know, of course, I've driven an hour and 15 minutes to perform in front of eight people. Mother fucka got me too. Stupid Pete Corielli was supposed to do it.. This motherfucker got me too. Stupid Pete Corrielli was supposed to do it. Then this kid calls me up.

Pete gives him my number, which is you don't fucking give people the, you know the kid's number. You give an email, you give an email. You give an email, man, you don't give a number. This motherfucker called my, hey man, and put the guilt trip on me. Corrielli said you can help me out of this jam with some shit.

I finally, all right, he goes, dude, I go, all right, I'll fucking, he goes, dude, I'll pick you up, I'll fucking draw nothing. You'll make this and you'll be back in, all right, fuck it. The worst gig I've done in the last 10 years. How many years have you known? How many do you have to get through before you don't have to perform in front of a PVC piped banner that says,

soul joe behind you? In Mexicans in the in the kitchen. Yeah, how can I land you? You're a good looking woman. How did soul Joe? She wasn't though before. I love my son. No, I'm joking.

I'm joking. Dude, this fucking room was in it sucked. Too, because it was all black lights. Like it was all the, you know, the stripper lights, all white and stripper said, I got a fucking stain on my shirt. I was going to Stanford. I didn't know it was going to a fucking strip club.

And there's eight people there, actually three of them are fans, which is more embarrassing. It's like don't come to this, I didn't promote it. You like the professional wrestling that's doing the autograph signings, like 20 years after your infamous steel cash match. Yeah, I did something more. Oh God. Hey, what's up brother? I did that with Snooker.

I met him at a flea market in Massachusetts. And he I told him to sign the photo. I go sign it to Bob. He goes, cool brother. How do you spell that? I would be. Oh, be. Yeah, I probably fucked you up with that coconut didn't make Jimmy. He yeah, but I did that fucking room. And then just before I'm going on, uh, drunk girl, uh girl the middle act drunk go out the bar way at the end calls because she's making noise calls you up come up sit up here I was gonna fucking knock her out then this gay guy with fucking musketeer boots

on gets into a fight with the bouncer who's just this black animal his traps are just fucking you he's wearing a medium t-shirt. He should be wearing a fucking like triple X and he calls, he says some shit to the the bouncer and the bouncer grabs him literally. You guys ready for your headline? It grabs this little gay guy. Chokes him the fuck out. See? No. The bouncer, I'm just about to go on stage. This dummy's bringing me on. Drag in this this little gay guy throws him in the gutter Outside and he's just crying with these little musketeer boots on going And this guy's like you don't fucking do that the fuck

It's like where the fuck am I the first the first one I ever did for him I'm different it was like some bar and statin. I own I think and I went into the place and the guy goes It's you're gonna go up is too more than you he goes. It's packed in there It's great. So you know this is like a benefit for like a kid to go get by a car. He's dead And then when I was on stage a guy I made laugh Started choking and then actually was choking on food and Right in the front row and then someone came behind and started high-mitting him and I was like You can really do is it narrate it like yeah, I became like the J arms

Yeah, sir a little bitch Sir more he's choking on the damn steak and I did the restaurant one and then like after that he goes By the way, I got I got a room. I'm working out in Pittsburgh too if you want to come I mean I don't want to be a person I think it turned by I did that while we were broken up and then he didn't pay me. Are you do you still friendly with them? Oh? No, no, no, he I was drinking his I want to let's pack the fuck up here First of all that was the highlight after after the show I'm getting his car. She shows up. I see his chick, I'm like, who's this? That's my girl.

I'm like, really? I'm like, it was like that. You know when you meet a guy and you see his chick, you're like, what the fuck did she do? She fake leg? No, yeah, like something was wrong with her. Like her belly button has her twin that died. Like something wrong.

She's got a total recall body. Yeah, she's got a tooth in her cunt. You're all of soul. Or that all of soul, Joel soul is in his dick. No, no, no. Just packing. Yeah, I was really freaked out. I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't have a tooth

in my vagina. But you, you, you, you want to break an up with them, which you, you've talked about a million times. They know I'm so sick of it. Yeah, she, she caught them cheating. I'm so sick of it. Yeah, she caught him cheating. I'm more excited, really? Yeah, she set him up though. This fucking, this broad, what a fucking evil.

I mean, I'm talking from Guy Perspective now. You know, I love you, you're great, but what an evil twat this girl is. She found that he was on a website, internet website, one of those coolger things. She set up a fake profile, the fucking Nabum. Any jerked off me. You fucking, you peanut colada song them?

But here's the funny thing. You know who's in the same fucking boat? Is this motherfucker? Big J, you got thrown up on Craigslist, bitch. That was the worst, let me take something. That was brutal. The worst day. The story for the first time like two weeks You know the worst day of my life and my the best day of my life because I felt so bad for him

But I fucking loved every second every comedian screen saver for the next two I wasn't I was uh I fucked up I was uh I was a good girl and I was lying to her and my girlfriend and I was a good girl and I was lying to her and my girlfriend and And then you never lie to both of them. You got a lie to one you lie to one You got to mix the truth you lie and tell the truth to both of them. Where you going? I know lie to both You have to be out there and be given pull this off. You got a Where's my cheating book? I got the book right over here

One of them has to know everything that's going on. No friends whatsoever, so nothing about these, the Strangos. Someone's got to know it. They didn't know, and then, here's what you do. You either tell the truth, a little bit of the truth,

a little bit of lie to both of them, or you tell one of them the God's honest, fucking truth. Yeah, you can mix the truth, like yeah, me and my girl, plus the stress that puts in your shoulders. It's just like how You can you can say to them look to the cheat like look I'm wearing the rocks It's not that give the chick hope that you're gonna break up and she's gonna replace her even though you and you check a snuggle and watching

Fucking game of thrones She has no she doesn't need that everything's perfect But you give her hope so she can suck you dick without her feeling like a fucking shot. Well, what I did in this situation was lie to both, and then one day, I mean, it's so funny, it's my girl, my girl. What I was, I was like a civil water.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not even able to win this. I'm not even able to win this. He's getting caught in the throat. So on the alleged night of... It pleases your honor. I would like to...

On this night per se. I'm coming to like whisper dance. We... Don't take a stand. He's gonna take a stand. Yeah, like, Kulio. I'm gonna allow it. So yeah, no, I was asleep.

I was asleep in my... In my best. This was asleep and my, and my, this was bad because what happened was I, the other girl, the other girl, and this is like maybe the night before, the other girl. We got an argument. Not my girlfriend, but the other girl,

we got an argument because she saw in my phone, and she was like, nothing the wise of anything going on. She thought she was my girlfriend too. She had no idea that I Had her number as something else in my phone as another name. So I as I was I was like, oh, well That's just like you know when we first met I took your number. I didn't know you're gonna stop you're right here though First of all rule number one and cheating you doing the right thing anybody listening right now You're cheating on your chick and you got on a side girl, you don't put her name under fucking what her name is.

You put it under Ted Mike Mike B. Daniel Tosh. Something else. So you did the right thing. Man, Daniel Tosh is texting you. A lot. It's a aggressive. It's a really like you. I mean, but it wouldn't phase you, chick. If Daniel, she read Daniel Tosh wants to play with your ass. I'm trying but it wouldn't phase you, chick, if they use you. She read Daniel Tosh wants to play with your asshole. I'm trying to move forward in my career. Um, so you did the right thing.

So, so the, the side girl saw the numbers. She was wise. My number and you're thinking, oh, I just, when we first, the first night took your number. I thought your name was Mike. So I said, so as a joke, that's a joke. I was kind of like shutting her up. I put her name in as her first name, my last name as a joke, that was a joke was kind of like shutting her up. I put her name in as her first name, my last name as a joke. So and then we all, we have a stop, stop, stop, stop.

What was the name you had in under? I think it might have been like the Stuybergs or something. You put her under a Jewish, how the fuck? When you first met her, you put it under a Jewish management company, a mediocre Jewish management company. That's great. That's fucking great. You're like texting you at 2 a.m.

Yeah, well, so what happened was, and then I always, I turned my phone off at night. And this particular night I just didn't for whatever reason. I mean that, and the side girl had an argument that night. And I guess I just fell asleep without turning my phone off. And so in the morning, she started calling my phone and my girlfriend sees it's saying her first name and my last name and it ringing over and over and over again. By the way, I'm I couldn't be sleeping more

Like a fat little chair. I was just having the greatest night of sleep and she answered the phone One of those like you know who's this like this is girlfriend like well, this is his girlfriend It was you have like an hour of conversation before I even So you're still sleeping still asleep. So she probably look at you I woke up just a thing, but she goes if I was just Jay and I was one of those like So she was making breakfasts. She was probably looking in at you, right? While she's talking she's probably walking by looking at you while she's fucking talking to this broad What she did wasn't is turned out to be like a good thing. She had called my parents.

Thank God, my stepfather, my mom was being like more of like, the, oh, this is crazy. This is something has to, you know, and just fueling the fire almost, my stepfather apparently got on the phone and said right away he goes, get out of the house right now. He's like, get out of the house.

Two. To my girlfriend, he's telling her, he goes, leave, don't stay there. Where's he at? He's asleep, get out of the house. He's saying, don't do something crazy. Cause he hears her fire, like brewing. And I get to the long story short, like it all kind of came to a head.

It all got exposed and came out. Now me and my girlfriend, if my girlfriend and my wife now we had a daughter already at this time So you're a good guy When it all got exposed was basically me and her trying to figure out we were gonna try to work it out or not It's the long story short But the other girl was just like burned and which I, which I get, you know, she had a really big dream. And that end day, God. So then, but literally two weeks after I get caught,

not even a week after I get caught, I had to go to Africa for a month. I don't have to, I remember that. South Africa for a month or three and a half week gig. And while I'm gone, after about a week and a half of being there, my cell phone didn't work out there. So I went to the hotel phone and I finally called and just checked my messages on my phone.

And it goes, you have 20 messages. And the first one is Wayne Raida, my friend Wayne, who's a gay dude, and he goes, pal. Oh, I got it. He goes, you, I don't know if this is on purpose or something that you wanted, but I was just on Craig's list, men looking for men. And there is an advertisement for you. It is a naked picture of you and your TV credits and your phone number.

And I don't know if it's something you wanted. I just wanted you to know that I flagged it in case and that it should be coming down, but You know, give me call back as soon as you can and then it and then it goes message number two and two Through not through for the next like a 19 messages We'll just do it was very flattering and it's own You know, it's like hey bear they all call me bad And the picture was fantastic because it was probably maybe you can attest to this now. Let me just explain the picture. Okay, listen to me. It's, it's right after we got done

fucking dick. So it was still hard, but it wasn't. It wasn't, you know, before you fuck your dick is at full potential. After you bust, right after you bust your nut, your dick goes down to, ugh. Just it's still, it's yeah, your fat, it's like sticking straight out so it's hard. It's like, it's like, it's like, yeah, it's just like a Pinocchio knows after he told his first lie. It's just, like a monopoly thimble, just really hard.

But he's standing there, like he's leaning against the fucking door with the Ball Thumbs up like he is the fucking coolest mother fucker. But I know the rationale but the rationale behind that is a very it's a very fat thing if you keep the body stretched up Right, right? You roll up at all anyway. Keep it all flattened out if possible. But fans gonna take a photo of me, but you stand down on a fucking chair. No way.

I would do it laying down with an aerial shot from the over me always, so everything's fine. But you were so comfortable in this shot. This was shot was never to be seen by anybody. Just by his side piece, you can tell his fucking, he was like, hey, baby, that J fucking cute shit smile. It's a fun, yeah. You you know this is never gonna go bad she gets maroon service everyone's gonna

stay in the dark and happy we use a fucked up thing though is that I can't believe you told this girl that you didn't have a girl I mean you met a side girl and didn't tell her that you were with a chick why would you do that I was like you know 20 fucking five but why wouldn't you just say look I got a chick I mean you, you know, 20 fucking five. But why wouldn't you just say, look, I got a check.

I mean, you know, I know. That insecure guy. Really? That insecure guy, sure. Really? You want, dude, it wasn't even about like, at that time of my life, it wasn't about like finding, even like getting pussy or anything. It was solely about like, I want to see a girl who I thought was Adam Eileague

or something with like, before love of me. Yeah, she was pretty, she was a blonde, let me just describe it. She was blonde, thin girl, kind of hot. She was hot, go. She was pretty hot. She had a little white trash. Sure. That's for you. Who people who don't like that. Yeah, she's a little white trashy, but dirty, sexy white trashy. Yeah, blonde here. Yeah, I remember. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you were so fucking cocky. She was like a jewelry art flute player. Yeah, you used to show up with her like she this is what bugged me about it because you know, look, we've all been in the same boat. But what bugged me about you is you rolled up like you didn't give a fuck like she would come

in to the joints. You broke a lot of fucking rules. Yeah, as far yeah, you broke a lot of fucking cheat rules. You would just show up, have her sit in the crowd. You would, like, the waitresses newer, like, as you, and then your other girl was like, dude, you're, I don't want to know two of your girls. No, you know what I mean? Cause I love you. Check now. Who was the girl that your wife now, right? Yeah. Metzger was a, of all people. Kurt Metzger was the brilliant one who really, uh, Metzger was like, I don't want to know or like that. Yeah, Metzger was a of all people Kurt Metzger was the brilliant one who really Metzger was like I don't want to know or like that. Yeah, let's get kind of steer clear He was like smart of all people. I did too. I didn't really talk to the blonde. No, I loved your girl a lot of people didn't yeah

I wouldn't fuck cuz I don't want to I don't want to be in that fucking did you know that fucking oh Man that was the worst like my friends that did know and I said, like you have to point it to a thing, like you make your friends like such a unwilling accomplice to stuff like that sometimes, the more like you let them in. So that's what you never think about that. If it all goes down, one of the girls is gonna come to you. It's like, you know, you've been to my house,

you fucking asshole, you know what I mean? Like I've done all this stuff, you know, and- But it's always like, but it's always like one of those things like, what is it like what is the friends supposed to do really though? Like is it is it is it would have been your responsibility to like blow the fucking lid off that you know I mean like what do you know the first position the first thing that happens at a girl I mean, I don't know when you find out your man's cheating you know his friends, right? Yeah, I've never blamed them though, but you, but you knew them.

You knew they were lying to you. Oh, um, I guess so, yeah. Does that bother you? No, not at all. I blame, I blame him. I blame myself for being so dumb. Have you ever been cheated on and Cooper life, doc, you're being so available.

Let me tell you those my you rates are excellent. I'm, I am, I'm in the old bitches right now. Cue? I just downloaded a porn of this fucking, like, she's got to be a 47. Yeah. Because 47, 48, kind of fat, you know. Get him to take my symbol act, dude. Too lazy to, no, no, no, no.

It's a POV. It's like, oh, my God. It's a POV, and she's in her mother's bed. Her mother went to, and this dude is there. And she's just like, hurry up before my mom. POV, and she's in her mother's bed. Her mother went to, and this dude is there, and she's just like, hurry up before my mother comes back. Like she doesn't, she's a divorced woman,

but never had a kid. Could move back with the mom type thing. It's too lazy to shave her, like trim her bush down, so she leaves it, kind of trimmed on the side. Throwback V. Yeah, it's kind of like she landscapes a little bit, but it's still a little thick. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I like bush, dude.

Really? Yeah. Too musky. Yeah. Yeah. I had a chicken artist pitch down. When I first moved to New York, I used to date this amazing artist, and she lived right over by NYU. And she had a shitty apartment. She had a bunk beds. I remember I'd go up and fucking eat her bonks, and I had a shitty apartment. She had a bunk beds.

I remember I'd go up and fucking eat her bonks and I'd pussy smell because it's just a big hairy artist push. Yeah. And I went down the one down. I was like, you should trim this. She goes, look, you don't like the taste of pussy, beat it. Whoa. And I was like, well.

I was like, well. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was like, well, I'm not. She's wearing a leather jacket. I hooked up with a Greek girl many years ago and she had a humongous Mediterranean beef. And it was kind of cool for the first couple of times and then I gave one of those and I was like, hey, you know, be really hot if you let me shave your pussy for you. And I did. Her bush was so thick, she didn't even realize

she was a projectile squirt her. She didn't even know because the gate's were shut with this big furry box. Shibbownie pubic hair. I mean, yeah, just to the her point. You understand the fact that her pussy, you know what's collecting? Yeah, like her fuckish. She was dying her pussy hair with juice like it's like one of those Jamaican guys when they shave their dreads And they've got like fucking lice in there and shit. Yeah, well, it's like when you eat ice cream And you put the spoon back in they come back the next day. There's all like that water from your saliva You know what you know what are fucking pussy juice dip of that hair

So mad than long I'm gonna check it a red light. This is back in the day when I was in Boston. This is when you were, this one I was like, I could always do a pointy fucking at a red light. At a red light, I met a bitch. This is if we saw your tricep as you were holding a tight-hung. I was, I was, actually my bicep

because I was holding it upside down. I was like, I'm gonna make a turn, I'm gonna make a truck turn. So I just had the ball on the steering wheel. I met this bitch at a red light. I'm talking like two in the morning, rolled the window down, we started talking. I've done this a bunch of times.

I met chicks at just lights, and I brought it back to my place. She, and I'm kissing her, and all of a sudden, you have a kiss of bitch and you're like, is it her or is it my whiskers? Maybe I need to, maybe I need to do something. So we made out and shit, I kinda, we called it off. She goes, I will come back, she came back a couple nights

later, but that night I shaved the fuck down. Like, baby soft. This bitch had a beard, a mustache, and then when she got naked, the hair came from a pussy, upper back, like a family tree. Like, like, upper outer asshole, upper back. Oh boy. You know me, dude.

Yeah. Fuck it. I can't explain you on the fucking tree, eh? Get the fuck out of here. Take your crunchy crust pizza and get the fuck out of here. I hooked up with a, with a wawa employee years ago. That was probably the first one. Oh, that is great. And we made out, and we made out, it was the same thing.

It was like, it was not even like stubble or hair. It was the feeling of just shaved face. Oh. No, it's kind of like, that it is. Yeah, we're just kind of like sticks to your face. Like the skin's kind of rough. And then we had sex and she made great noises. And then I remember she would stop

though every couple of minutes she'd stop you because she goes, I have a major heart condition. I'm just like, what's that for a couple of seconds? Slow down, stallion. I got a little bit of a murmur. She was like, she was an ox mule, she'll turn. She was like, you for tea, justice, and smoking the bandit too. BABABAB. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too.

Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too.

Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too.

Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. Buford T. Justice and Smoking the Bandit, too. I have to because the thing is I, like I'm a cowering. Shut up. Look at the mentality and I have very curly hair. I can't have that box that looks like, you know, like, like, take it down from the side and have a nice little landing strip that looks nice and neat. Like I'm not fair. You know, like girls that are fair can do that. I can trim it down. It looks beautiful and it looks pretty.

My hair is curly. It looks crazy. So it's all nothing. I know it's because it used to be fat and you're so excited you could reach your taint. Her pussy looks like an old comic beard. She'd be carrying a book bag and writing jokes. No one gives a shit about it. Oh boy.

It's actually got its own somebody who see me. Somebody, somebody listen to Billy Burr's podcast. I do those altrues so I can just go and curse at the crowd every time. I love alt rooms. I do well on them. I just hate the potential of when you walk in and they feel like because I'm not going up there and talking about a thunder caps, some shitty, yeah, some fucking nerd reference that they're not going to understand what I do.

I don't, but I don't feel like I think their fucking altruums are easier. I mean, they don't find, they don't not get you. I mean, look, there's a difference between hacks. Okay, hack, comics like us, guys who tell stories. Seriously, because we tell stories, we do a certain style of comedy. I mean, we tell stories, it's a little edgy, we're honest. You know, you're honest. That's a big style of comedy. I mean, we tell stories, it's a little edgy, we're honest. You know, you're honest. That's a big part.

Yeah, we're honest. But you know, me and you are similar. You tell stories, but you're a joke. You're more joky. You have jokes set up punch tag. But you do have honesty stories and you think. It's like the fundamentals. Right.

For some like Mezker, who's like a genius, and yet he's like a... Well, it's not good, Karen. We don't use that word of comedy. We're of comment. All right, and let's that cock sucker We yeah, unless he invented the iPhone or a new app fair enough. He's fucking we're not brilliant either really good I don't I'm not putting fucking genius in front of a comics name for a long time fair enough I love Kurt Metzger to hilarious hilarious hilarious hilarious Pretty much Kurt Mats get to hilarious hilarious hilarious hilarious uh pretty much uh premise premise set up punch yeah I mean but he's hilarious so different from like I mean but there is but look I've been on look I know who they're talking about when people talk about hacks I've been on the road okay the guy who's selling

fucking you know five t-shirts at DVD that he puts his own staples jewel case and he has bracelets and keychains and he fucking flips them out at the end. You guys like that joke? Link, well here's a keychain in the show. Guys, I'm going to be selling milk slide t-shirts after the show. I remember that joke I did where I said milk slide and it was the punch slide. Hey, Kurt told me about some of... Wow, what's his name? I don't remember his comic's name. Can you just... we should on comics openly in this?

You can do whatever you want. But here's your note. I know, got rich, rich. Can you just, we should on comics openly in this? Um, you can do it, however you want. But here's something, Rich Guzzi, I think. And that sounds weird though. It does sound weird. That sounds like a character from Plus 4. It's like a road guy, I guess. But like he said, uh, courtesy to the show with him, he sells like, uh, from two jokes.

He sells like, bumpers tickets at the show. It's like, uh, shave the pain. Oh, first of all, who puts a bumper sticker on a car anymore? Yeah. Nobody. Yeah, it's not a metal fucking bumper It's actually part of the cards I'm a highland high school I could ask me the other day to do it and I told them I didn't love them enough you have a kid you have a kid that me

I do he said I didn't know that I'm not enough to ruin my new car. I didn't know you had a kid. Teeny Soul Joe. Oh, no. No. It was a lot to know, my kid could look it. It was like, what was your kid stage name? Did Soul Joe got him a name too? I call him Lil Tight. Lil Soul.

Lil Soul, Lil Soul Joe. Lil Soul. I call him Set Up Punch Tag. Hey, hey, tag! You guys should have been a family team. Set up punch and tag. What? They have the family band.

But they have the family stickers on the back, but they're all holding microphones. You move forward into the world, small child is tag. Sketch I saw some of those family stickers in the back of a car. You know, it's like the stick figures and a mother. And then someone goes like, like a mother comes running up to a scene of a car. Like a scene of a car. Oh, it's a touch point. No, they did.

Yeah, I was like, what? I was like, oh my god, is everybody okay? And then the guys go over the razor blade and shave off the kid. Yeah. Yeah, it was a viewer video on touch point. That's really fun. Let me ask you question. I didn't know you had a kid.

You were married for how long? Five and a half years. Five and a half years. To Black Eye? No. I'm kidding. Listen, she's from Staten Island. She just fucking...

She just smashes out. She just smashes out the wound. She just smashed her own teeth. No. She rebounded on Souljolt. So you, I figured your dad is your father your child is a Italian guy. Now he's Jewish. Jewish. Oh, yeah. Really? Is he macho dude? Big dude? No.

He's a biker dude. He has a shwin. He wants a bike. He can't have one. You mean shwin like bicycle. We make fun of him. He's a biker dude, but he doesn't have a bike. Not a biker as in like what Jay looks like That's just like threw me off the other guy I tried to didn't work Lance Lance Armstrong no he wants to be a biker like a motorcycle Yeah, but he doesn't have one. Oh, you did a joke. I tried I tried. I know. No one got it We'll catch that we'll catch that in post We're gonna catch it right now, you know.

Fuck it. I didn't like it. Listen, Jen. I don't have a do that again. So he's kind of a poser. Yes. So he doesn't have a motorcycle. Or he wants to be one.

So he is tough guy. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to get at. Before we fucking trash this guy, I want to make sure that none of us catch a beating No, now you almost said this down the path of beating because you said he was on his swing I was gonna go this faggot and now you know He's got two broken femurs

No, this guy is a biker guy. So you married a biker guy. Okay, that's what my point is is that you married a man a dude who can kick That's usually what women go to a guy, a comic like your other boyfriend, you went from I'm sick of this to this. Dennis A. Do you understand? Oh, very good. That'd be like, nice. Yeah, that's why I'm making, well, how, why did you go from being married to a man's man and then you're dating, not to say you're your ex-boyfriend is a man, but he's a comic

kind of goofy, little fat, you know, heboyfriend is a man, but he's a comic kind of goofy little fat You know, he's not a you want to call him a comic? Oh When you when you were with her when you were with your husband What the fuck and you guys would have barbed-ass my chick if my that's why I don't take chicks with fucking headshots Because First of all, if a chick ever makes it more popular than you I'm killing myself and if she would call me a host on a fucking podcast

of a comic who's more famous than me, I'd fucking hide the bush and slice your toe off. Sliced your toe off. Then I'd put it in your vagina. I'll tell you what I want to do is I wish I was a single guy, so every girl I can just date casually, I can dub the misstage name. Yeah.

I think it's a great practice. Hey, what's your first thing? Well, it's been time with me and I'm going to give you a nickname. You're going to go on my phone as Christy Murphy. You're Christy Murphy. That's your stage name. Here's the Freddie Blanchett. I'm going to call you head phones button-down sure. Yeah. Here's the thing though, that she let it go down. So she had a letter, you had to let you dignity.

Was it like pillow talk and he's like, you know what you should go by on stage? You know what you're really gonna work for you? He started when I started doing his shows. He would be like introducing the Vaan and I'm like, stop calling me that. He called you the Vaan? The Vaan and I'm like, stop it.

My name is Jay. It's the Vaan. What did the Vaan come from? Um, it was like a joke a few years ago. I was like broke and I was like, everybody would Vaan something their name is rich. I was like broke. And I was like, everybody would bond something. Their name is rich. I was like, so I'm just going to do it.

It was a joke on Facebook. And then he was like, he saw bright lights and things. He's like, I'm going to need the bond. He's so dirt-degular. He's so dirt-degular. Like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be like, he's going to be of what I want them to do like I'm gonna call you can you please put a finger at my ass I'm gonna call you I'm gonna call you please put more fingers in my ass. I'm gonna name you Less teeth more tongue you're called Leslie knuckle deep. I'm gonna call you fuck my pussy Devote to the girl that wanna choose even my ass wants to go lick that puts

Really I got so that I was in an ass eating stage back I'm about to scuffle weeks god damn it that I love my ass eat. I love my ass She used to milk me from me All right, I used to get on all four. She take my cock from behind milk me and eat and lick my ass I'll you die but like your ass. Oh never fun find I just been talking about that on stage no bullshit about one of the craziest moments of my life Was being one of his Asian joint and there is the comic going look. I'm doing it on stage But like literally being on all fours and this tiny cute Asian girl on all fours But we look at the human centipede

She was looking my ass and like milking my wait a minute stop stop you went to an Asian joint and they licked your ass Yeah, I had to be in Philly 15th of Cala. I feel yeah, they don't do that New York No, I really like I'm sad that I'm a professional at massage parlors I know what state they'll lick your ass in and what state they know but it's one of Those you know those rooms like they're totally mirrored and so I get felt great As soon as you look up and see some of the mirrors, some girl like with her face buried between your butt, she becomes very, yeah, you're like,

what have like my grandma's taking me out for a toy every week. And they all like this is like happening. My asshole, my asses are like some all yeas of the massage parlour. So you know what you can get in Virginia. They don't even do it. It's, it's seasonal.

But my asses are retired. Yeah, I wouldn't watch the videos on last song. No, no, backroom castings of a nervous Asian girl and the guys like she's like looking as but hole while he went. So I don't I'm not into it anymore. I but there was a phase. There was around a fucking 10 year phase where that was my 10 years. I just got the degradation of it. I don't know. I felt good. I just, I remember getting my ass eaten in a cemetery. I'm just standing up on the edge of my car with my legs open. The rear door is so long. You look up in the corners that goes to Luke's car.

I'm very darn bad. I'm gonna be like, you're gonna go fast. I got my fucking ass eaten under a fucking bridge, a train bridge, while the train was going, I remember the train going by and I was just fucking standing up a position. I was standing up with my legs open, the girl on her fucking knees just eating my ass sucking my dick and milking me. But that was in shape, Bobby. I would never do it.

I was just gonna say I'm gonna get my bow. I gotta know what you think position. Because I know I'm not good at probably a lot of ways. Yeah, that bitch would need a butcher knife and have to cut it Cut it around like cut around the fat you had to get in there to get to the prime rib Oh, also life you but she's open. She's like I'm gonna hold it. I'm a clamp. I'm a clamp I'm a clamp. Yeah, you ever see when they catch the great white sharks They have to put the hose in its mouth You have to put that in my ass. So just to keep everything cleaning. Oh, no, I never do it to inject

You wouldn't do it to somebody now. I wouldn't do it now. I definitely fuck a face. I'm into a fuck a face. Face fucking. Oh, fuck a face. Hold the hands. I like to, I like when a girl goes,

oh, and then she drifts pukes it like spit on your dick and then just goes, bleh, bleh, bleh. And then jerks it off and I like a wet blow job. Oh, grotesquely spit involved. Oh, I love wet blow job. Is my friend the gruesomeome anyways. You like a shriko would like a Tuesday to bunch of barbecue. Why don't my I don't want to be to bleed. Well, I'd be like you do that. He's drilling a lever yourself. It's so funny though because you talk about this, right? We're going on and we and you could do this all fucking day. We could go on and on all day about

our fucking sexual excapades and things we like because we're so open about it But then you look over and you got Dan who's not open like that, right? He's a different fucking human and then you get the two broads here, right? You got Jen and Kelly and you're probably I mean, I would think you are a little more, you could relate, you're a little more sexual than Kelly. Kelly, you're a little less, you're a little more uptight than she is. Not uptight, I would say.

Classy. Not classy, just not as sexual. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You'd be more into open-minded. You've done more stuff sexually. Okay. Right? I guess. It's been a while. It's been a while. But back in the day.

I feel Trega. Yeah. The turkey started. Yeah. That's the superman office when I flipped that head. Yeah. Yeah. Vaughn.

It was the vagina. It's a great reference. The vagina of Negroes. It's like black kids. It's turning around. So you, you Negro. He's the light black dude. I started around. So you, I mean, back in the day, yeah, I could see you being. I mean, I have limits.

Well, I'm not saying that you got punched in the head. She's like, I don't want to get out. I'm just saying you probably tried getting punched in. Yeah, I'm just, you, let's say you, I'm not going to. You only give fuck with a bunny head on. What, what were your limits? No, no, never

There was an accident once and it was like a second. What's the accident? In there and I freaked you did and yeah, did your eyes go out like a stressed all Crying you cried did why doesn't hurt that bad? Why am I saying it like I know? I did why doesn't hurt that bad why am I saying it like I know Listen you got to ease into that you're gonna just let the head go in a little bit you never let a guy try Nope, you don't want to get married again. Nope. Here's the deal. You never had your butt licked What I'm very I like but I look but I'm not you went on on to you yet I don't know I look but I'm not you we're not on to you yet I'm not we're not on you guys I do it on the butt come on And he roses I don't want their but holic is never really let a guy stop Kelly can't because she really can't

Fisher not was don't just whip it out like that Put on Put on a family Yeah, they call it It's called the only back out inside your butt holes. What do you have it's called the for stuka? Get it for stuka. She got a bloody asshole That's how she lost She lost all the way because she had a for stuka She got me look your ass. I was always open so the food just falls

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But I know, like you just said to, you know, you said to Jen like about getting married. And that's like my thing. I'm like, one day I'm gonna be married. Like, how am I gonna put the spark back in the marriage? Like that wasn't always bum-sex. That's the way you did it. No, no. I'm never banged, man.

No, I don't wouldn't do it. My wife's or something like it, to the touch. It's really, it's very, it's very, it's very, it's very, to take a sexual out of it. Yes. It'd be like if you saw a boarded up coal mine. It might be dangerous to go in there. Right.

Yeah. Do you want to risk it? Yeah. The outside's fine. I would say this. The outside's fine. Like I'm sure a guy could go down there and you know, like you wanted to, but I, I'm like, ah, I'm not ready.

You have very low heavy balls as I will. Oftentimes if I have a fever or it's a warm day and they're banging off your butt holding the regular sex. Yeah, they may come up looking like a clown nose with all the blood on them. No, no, I'm kidding. I'm loaded up the truck and move it to Beverly. It's fine. The last guy had big balls and it was no problem. So I want to get back to something real quick you said you haven't had sex in a long time since Soul joe real you haven't had sex and how long give me give me a room

You're almost four months four months. You haven't had anything nothing not anything zero No, I haven't done anything but kiss you haven't done any you you haven't even Nothing you've masturbated You haven't even, nothing. You've masturbated. Once. What? Because I have fucking people in my bed at all times. My sister, the sleeps in my bed with me

or my son. I don't have any fun. You've made fun. How do you live? I got to be comfortable. I need to be comfortable. I need to. God damn.

Watch porn. I got to. Thank you for having done it in a while. I'm like, I can't focus. I'm like, I'm like, I'm trying to do it. Yeah, and it's actually really good. Once second, I got to do plugs. you want to go down a rub on out because my wife comes back

coming to my house I'll leave for a while God give the girls some room smell smell Kelly's fingers but last time she's I'm gonna smell you finger just one finger which is the thing I'll be coming out I'll be I'll be sitting that's not nice okay

I'll stop I'll stop I'll stop what she does that voice Which is the thing? Barbie, come on now, Barbie. Listen, that's not nice, okay? Oh, that was me. I'll stop, I'll stop. What she does that voice, I, that fucking set, that office. No, that's the auditioned SNL voice. Come on, Jesus, come on. Listen, so what finger do you use though? Just stick it up, hold it up.

No, like, I don't use my own fingers, I have things I use. You never use your fingers to do that little swipe? No, I have stuff. That's the one thing I fucking, I use. You never use your fingers to do that little swipe? No, I have stuff. I'm doing that. That's the one thing I fucking, I would really love girls to explain to me that when you're, okay, they're doing it from a different perspective because it's down and they do the little swipe

with the three fingers or the two fingers over the clitoris and they'll put it in, right? I mean, how do you explain to me the best way to play with the girls pussy with just your fingers? Oh, Von Goh. Every chick's different. Yeah, every, it's very, yeah. I just want to hear how you do it. To play with it. To get me to get me to orgasm. It's not going to happen. You can say come. We're not going to attack you. Yeah. Even though, even though you can get me to come. Oh, you pig. You're a robber. So, so good.

Say it again. One more time. I think honestly. No, the word come. Just say, no, I'm kidding. Go ahead. So, how do you do it? I guess you could finger a girl, but I can't come that way.

You can't just rub the clitoris. You could, but you're not going to do it. So for you to match the bait, you're going to use a device. I use a vibrator. So you use a device. Yeah, but a guy can still make me come with fingers though. It's good.

Does he have to be an iron worker? No. I'm not showing fingers. Can he just, can he just stand on your uncircumcised clitoris? Can he work a Twitter? No, it's all about because it's about the motion on top of it. So if he's got his fingers inside the palm of his hand there has to be rubbing hard up against the clip on the outside

So he has to be coming from the front front he has to be coming from the front fingers in palm down and rubbing right up against Lift in me up. I really get in there like a six back of force Yeah, you slam in me You have like a heavy bowling ball You slamming me, you have a heavy bowling ball. I want to get fucking dead. I got you. All right. All right, so listen, that's just,

that's interesting to me, because you go down there, you know, how many times you go down there, girl, you start playing with her fucking lid and they're lying there and they're making noise or whatever, but you like, really? I'm like, come on. You know what I mean? Cause like, and then you start putting the fingers in and then I'll, you get a couple

of those and you're like, okay, could then you start doing that little come heather thing, but then you're fucking, my hand locks up. You get the carpet on, I'm just like, oh, the jammer tried to do the seamless transition from hand to hand, but spit on this thing. And then you see, you're gonna stab it in the end of the drums. It's taking the treasure and putting the sand in it. spit on this thing. And you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see,

you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you see, you Yeah, I hate when they fucking they explain it in like showtime or HBO You got to go in and what you want to do is and there's a little and you like fuck you dude The part that feels the best on a chick apparently is a part that feels like it's not making like when you're doing it You're like this is the part that feels going what about this weird little golf ball in the back? Little inch You mean her cancer sis Some of her cancer sis, the awareness? Some of the cancer sis, I mean, blowing my smoke breath you were snatched.

You got to say hand-pussy cancer? Oh. It's fine. You were saying about a girl can't tell you how you're supposed to finger them, but I'll ask a guy who likes to be blind though, because every guy's different, every guy's all the different, and it's important to me that I'm ask a guy who likes to be blind though because every guy's different every guy's all the different and it's important to me That I'm doing a good fucking job. 18 marriage proposals on time. I know Jesus. How much do you love Kelly right now?

Before I did it. Oh, it's like now. What's your favorite technique? Look at that. It's different every single I have a chart and there I can do the number one. We should I call the room That's a standing blow job. Well, Jackie off the second one to call the cooler bear. What I'll do is I get under a clasp on and I'll just let you face fat me. The third one is called the Aussie. That's what I do a mixture of one and two. But I'll play with your bum. And then the fourth one is that's not a knife. and the fourth one's that's not a knife

It's another deal down your bottle Only got that once That's really funny He won't me to do this I don't know guys. It's funny like guys don't like we'll be fake if you're like if a girl's like If a girl goes like, how do you want a blow job? If a girl almost has to do suggestions,

like she has to be like, do you want a lot of spit? Or do you want a like, you go, you start saying like, things like, what do you like? And she goes, would you like to put your balls in me socket? Yes. I don't know. Don't say just do it.

Yeah, just do it. Just don't ask me. Well, I would love a girl. If a girl asked me to fucking, how do you want me to suck your dick? Oh my God, what I fucking be, I'd be like, yes, I'll't ask. I would love it. If a girl asked me to fucking, how do you want me to suck your dick? Oh my God, what I fucking be. I'd be like, yes, I'll, please. One of the best civilian women generally

are still civilian women. So there's like, I feel like they don't realize what a scumbag you are. No, it's their self-esteem. It's their ego. They want to be like, I know how to suck a dick. And they don't. I don't know, there was one girl that fucking tossed

her necklace back under her head. Like she was just a whole miner. She stuck my dick under her face. She really just like, she was like a tiny little girl and I was like, I was like eating her out or whatever and she's like, and she's like, and she's had this like long necklace and she's like tosses it behind her head.

Just fucking down to business. I was like, oh, I was like, one of those things like, oh my god. Does it grab in the sidearies. Oh my god. Does it grab in the side to my mattress? Yeah. She shows a montage of her lacing up boots like a... To Rambo?

Like Gelo before... She does the Rambo where she ties it on her head. She puts on a necklace from someone else's pants to a... She takes out a J necklace and squeezes it. Oh man, it gonna soak this bitch. You're coming to the bedroom and she's like, she's like, it's a wall, covered in mud against the wall

because she opened her eyes. You walk by her, you're like, hello? I mean, gin it up being bachelot nuts, but a whole lot of it. They all laugh. The ones that do it that well. I mean, she really, like, she was like a coal miner going down into the fuck.

Yeah. Psh, she's like, I live later. And she's going down, she's like, all right, Bullets, let's get to work. We're gonna be down here a long time. But girls who know how to suck dick, you can tell, you can tell when a chicken is how to suck your dick.

First of all, you don't have to conner into going down to suck it. She's just gonna grab it. She's gonna zip your pants and start sucking it. Because they like it. And that's the key to sucking good dick is liking it or pretending that you love it. If you pretend that you love it's like pussy too. If you pretend that you love eating this

guy. I love you fuck. They're going to get off on it. You can't talk too much because they need the fuck. Pretend it's not you down there. I know there's no real reason for it to happen. So I assume it's always faked, but I am a sucker for a girl making noise while she's blowing off. Yeah. It's not of like it's a delicious pancake 10 That might give 10 the microphone to cock and just tell us what kind of noise here's first of all I'm gonna work this part I'm gonna lamb know I'm around On that main vein

Just like humming, just like noise. Like what? Like what? Yeah. Like they're eating a delicious. Stop, stop, stop. I want to suck a dick, Jay. Whoa. Yeah. I was kidding. I'm on this.

That was almost like a black comic book. Surro. It's so, oh shit. That sounded like you were solving I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We asked you last week you actually said you suck a good dick. It's very important for you to enjoy it. If I go down a guy and I'm not enjoying it, chances are I'm not going to enjoy being with him. But if I'm with a guy and I really like him, then I really like sucking. She said that without the accent,

which made it even better for me. She goes, she really, it's almost like a fucking Russian spy coming out of their American accent. She's like, good, good. But that's a few, that's not all of them. Hang on, don't say. That's not like, it's, you know, like everyone, I'm sorry. Huh? What?

I like this. That's why we have, that's why we have headphones on, so you know, fucking yap over each other. Sorry, sorry, damn. Go ahead, say it. No, that was my phone. You suck.

Sorry, I'm gonna be mad, because I can't hear very well in these ones, but that's fine. Yeah, I'm sorry, babe, I can't hear very well these ones. Yeah, I'm sorry baby I'm okay. That's all right, but it's no I think I don't want to come off sounding slutty But you don't remain like it's important and when I play with your own bloody asshole You hate going down on guys and I'm like and they're being with a guy for two years And I'm like, I don't know how he's fucking staying with you You know what I mean like I don't know why how he's not getting blown like how you guys are having a good sex life

To me my parents are really bad like a shitty marriage and I'm not gonna be like that I'm gonna make sure that I'm gonna have good sex like you're gonna suck. Yeah. Yeah We're gonna have it's gonna be on and it's got What do I have 60 it's gonna be like that if there was like a women Marines? I would have her fucking She just fight for this country. I will fuck up somebody. I'll suck a dick I'm gonna do you right now. I'll be like my mom and dad. I'm gonna suck a dick my mom and dad I'm gonna suck a dick like my mom I never did when I get you in that ring I'm gonna suck that dick on April 19th at the Akron at the Akron Coliseum almost such a dick. I'm the marine leader like why you girls here why you girls here I picture you have my

cock isn't one side of your cheek like a like a cigar out of the other side of your mouth you go, I love it when a plan comes together. So Jen, Jen, you don't, can you, you do go, how do you say it without being offensive? So, how do you say it? Perform Felicia. Perform Felicia. How do you say, do you suck, do you suck and dig good?

Look at these lips. Well, yeah. It tells the story. All right. All right, fuck it. I don't know, that's not a story that your mouth may be too big for my dick. Well, yeah, it tells the story. Alright. Fuck it. I don't know. It does not know the story that your mouth may be too big for my dick.

You're gonna have to really go sippy straw on that shit. I'm just trying to get the end of a Capri Sun out. You're just going to be more in there. It's gonna be straw. Jen's dick. Jen's mouth is made for a real dick. Yeah. It's super straw.

You're supposed to be with an actual black eye named Soul Something. I really think, I think James named the episode. What is it? Sippy Straw Dick. Sippy Straw Dick. Sippy Straw Dick. Ah, so modest. It is.

But there was something about the way that, like she said it, like, look at these lips. Don't do slips tell a story, but Kelly's like, oh, I fucking cook him on math. Like, there was like this real bad though. Like is that? No, it's amazing. It's like you got passion. Pat, oh yeah, okay. What are you talking about?

A bit like, because I look like Jen saying it. And I'm like, why can't I be a lady in particular? I'm so much a lady. A lady, this, she said, look at these fat lips that made for second deck. But still the way she said it was like really sexy. Like if I were a guy I'd be like damn. Well look you you could definitely be more sexy. You're talking like you're a fucking Walmart employee.

Come on in. Well suck your dick. Welcome to Walmart. There's toilet paper in this area. You're a saint. She's saying it like you should say like I'll fucking look at these fat second lip. But if your confidence lies on your lips I'm picturing maybe not a lot of handwork

which is imperative to it. No, no, no, no. Hang on, that work, which is imperative. We have to do it. No, no, no. Hang on, hand work is huge. Good. So you're trying to set hand work. What do you have to do the twist and up and the damn, the spit? Yeah, no.

First of all, if you keep using two hands and you're pantomime, I'm going to walk in. You have to twist. Are you giving it a fucking tree trunk and Indian burn? Listen, guys. I didn't know. Listen, I really, when I invited Jen on, I really when I when I invited Genon I'm like oh god, I've never had to I've never had to women on I've never had too pretty women on Okay, so I knew next week, but I knew you're gonna be here and you're a fucking creep like me

And I knew who's gonna have the creep inside it's there as I mean, and I knew who's gonna have the creep inside it's there Dan's a seat Dan's a secret fucking yeah, I was in a creep Yeah, you fucking bang the chicken my apartment in the shower wasn't in the shower Yeah, you just sit on the seat. Yeah, oh That does the shower I got the shower I got the shower now says with the bench the TV in the five shower heads Really, yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, yeah, shit. And it's a good show for peeing on each other. Did you experiment with piss play? I did more poop play.

What? I'm kidding. You fucking shit on a chicken in my house. No, I did. That's why this place smells like German, bro. It's probably a pair of his underwear with a log in it. Somewhere hidden behind the couch. Or in a bookshelf somewhere.

I'm back. I threw it away. I did that once at my, I used to drink back. And I got so fucked up once. I woke up at my friend's house on a cot, naked. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I found my underwear a week later behind his couch with a big shit.

Apparently I got so drunk, I shit my pants. And I just took all my clothes off. I'm through it. I'm fucking passed out. I don't even remember if he's still at the, like, four side to be like, this is embarrassing, I should probably hide these under way. Like a five year old, my son used to do that. I remember there was fossilized by that point so you could actually hold it.

And nothing. It's crumbled like a purple. Yeah, like a mummy at the end of the movie when they find out how to kill him. There's no evidence. She's looking like a dried leaves. The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me sexually, I would have to say two times, not embarrassing. I mean, embarrassing in gross are two different things.

I think that, not two different things. They're two different things, but they're the same things, actually. One time I was with a girl and we were, she was an okay chick. We're hanging out. I lived with this woman, comic, and a gay guy. And I had my little room, but I didn't have a TV. I didn't have any money at the time. I was bringing to a comedy.

I had no cash. So I used to go into the gay guy's room, just TV. New York? Yeah, in Boston. And I brought this chick in gay guys room. Just TV. New York. Yeah, I'm Boston And I brought this chicken there. We're watching TV. We started fucking around. I started fucking banging Just banging and all of a sudden I felt that blood wetness Where it's like wet and then dry and then wet and then dry and you're like, oh shit What's up? I look down dude. It looked like a fucking murder scene. I pop something

Something I we I don't know what happened to this day because I never talked to this brought again No, she wasn't a virgin. No, no, no, and I remember looking down at this guy's bed. Who's gay? Okay, and not only is it pussy in his bed, but it's blood pussy and I'm panting this girl's like I don't know what's going I'm like are you gonna die? Like I started panicking the you is turning blue is you vagina alright? I'm trying to use technical terms like the vaginal canals there something in there. No, she was fine I guess I don't I still don't know what happens something I pop something or something she said she didn't get a period I don't know what it was but it was I had a I fucking first time I did laundry

like in years. That night I had a fucking clean his sheets. Man, she was hot in her body. That my thing is goofy face hot body. I've said it a million times with a pot. I love a fucking just like a pretty face, but not I don't want fucking. Oh my God. I don't want to if my test is if I walk in and godfrey and arti or indoor get the fuck out. They were used to be my guy test. I used to bring chicks in and if godfrey and arti were like hey I'd be like all right you're done I'm done with you. I want nothing to do with you. I had a way early in comedy for me I did a show And I had like a bunch of people hanging out with me afterwards. And I was kind of playing the numbers.

Like I thought there was enough girls there that was like somebody would be into it. And like, I just like zigging and zagging the wrong direction, like you know, you pay too much attention to one and then the one that did kind of, it was interested is like what the fuck I'm leaving. And then that girl didn't give a shit either and she'd leave. And then ended up being like late late at night.

And I had drank a little and I was pretty horny. So I called, there was a girl who had left way earlier who I knew like, but she was like morbidly obese. And like to me and I was like, so I called and got her thing. I was like, by the way, she left like four hours ago. But I was like, hey, where'd you go? Yeah.

I thought you were coming. And she drove back and came back. And if he wanted to think like, as she was driving back, I knew she'd already left her place, but I was still in my head like, I should not even have called. I don't want to do this. This is purely like, if I jare golf right now,

I'll be like, oh yeah, she's like, but she showed up. And I was like, and then mistake one, she blew me right away to completion. Oh, no worse. So you're like, well, now I'm thinking crazy clear. No, no, now you get the fucking they live glasses on. You can say this. Fucking ailey. I want to fight her like that.

Like a back alley. Yeah. So I'm like, all right, she blew me. Do I finish like I'm pretty over this. I was like, all right, she blew me to her face. I'm pretty over this. I was like, all right, but she came away. I go, I'll like finger her and stuff and get her off like that. Oh, I could smell it.

And I could smell it. You should be able to. Yeah. It's like, it's like balls feet and then like a dead snake. And like a weird like, yeah, like, you know, like, like, the same flavor, like, like, looking a nickel. Yeah. Yeah, that's looking a nickel. Yeah. Yeah, that's an eye intense.

So I'm fingering her as best I can. I'm giving her a good fingering. If you look down, you see like one dead root hair. Yeah, it was brutal. It's like an open hole. It was actually funny. I'm actually so lazy about it. And I was pretty drunk too.

Then I'm actually laying my head on a belly like a pillow. Just like my ear got whole got stuck to her belly button. And I'm figuring and she's just making the most. Can you see there's a vacuum? Yeah. Put your in her huge elephant belly button in your ear. Oh, see, yeah. She's making like one steady consistent noise.

It's not me. No, but it was very, it was very little. It's like, the voice damage. And it's just going on and on and on and on. And just like, but then all of a sudden I start feeling. Wasn't her though, that was her pussy. Fee-fee-fee-same. Yeah, pussy sounds like a fucking Chubaka It feels like forever and then but the noise just

It's not peeking or getting there. So I'm like my Jesus come on And then I feel like a like a whoosh fluid and I'm like I'm like oh here comes. She's coming, but she's still it I'm like fluid and I'm like oh my god here comes she's coming but she's still it Uh, and I know geez and my hand started hurts The noise was here fucking her fucking her stupid fucking diabetes thing that stuck in her stomach She's a little blood sugar was low. Oh, I need to get some insulin Yeah, it was it let a long run up her Her this bitch was dying. She's a candy bar and you'll think of fucking her huge pussy

And then so I just worship like fluid and I'm like, oh is it funny? I was it my it's still the same noise that I pull my hand like to like shit. I mean like a murder scene So now I wasn't into my head And I'm like I feel so bad she jumps up as fast as she possibly could. And runs into the bathroom. What did you do? No, she runs into the bathroom.

She goes, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. And I'm out there like, more than full of truth. I'm like, but I'm like, my face, but my face is not matching my words. So I'm like, it's cool. It's cool to leave it sweat. It's fine. Like there's cops on the outside of the door

and you just committed a murder. I'll be right there. I'll be right there. I killed a homeless man in the house. And she's living the bathroom. I love that you hold the hand of like a magician. You're just a surgery. Everyone. Um, like he just did. He just, he just, he just took on a liver. Uh, now, I'm gonna be right there. I'm gonna be right there. Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be right there. Oh, my God. Hello. Let's start making American Psycho, Confessions on the phone. I killed a homeless man in an alley. Oh, my God. And she, she's living the bathroom. I love that you hold the hand of like a magician. You're just a surgery. Here we go. Yeah. Um, like he just did. You just, you just took on a liver. Uh, no, we're gonna go in.

All right, we're gonna finger fuck the shit out of you. All right, I'm gonna, I need a sushi. She ran back. Thank God. Uh, what? I was doing my hands, and as she's in the thing, I'm saying it's no big deal, so I'm just pulling all the sheets off the bed

and throwing them in the corner. She went from the thing and she goes, I'm so embarrassed. I got to go. And I'm like, yeah, I don't mean it's like, let's not talk about this ever again. Talk about it. Let's not see you ever again. I got to go to a girl. I got to hear it because it's not going to happen. Because girls never have fucked up stories. And if they do're not gonna tell them That's the beauty about men is that we're fucking with degenerates, but we'll fucking admit it Do you girls have any fucked up stories? They may have one about like the dude like I do like fart in their mouth No, there's gotta be something do you yeah now if you don't I get it Because you know people listen and you want to keep you dignity

I get it because you know people listen and you want to keep you dignity Fucking love and Jen more and more every second I Let me ask you question do you have any fucked up like oh my god on a guy's end like or it doesn't have to be your pussy bleeding But you do what is it Please tell me you shit your pants. No, I mean well I thought you wanted a sex story. Yeah, it could be you never shit. Well you have a sex no No, but I did actually I forgot about this until now I dated someone for like three years. We lived together right before I got married And he was like kinky and bad he used to date like strippers right so he was all into like the anal bead stuff like that

Right and I was like no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. One night he got me like, wrecked and we go home. Right. And he used them and he pulled them out. And he's like, ah, you shit on them! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'm like, I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to in front of your butt piece. So we used to do it. We know. No. He's a hobo-tringing car. You fucking took it and nodded bent that out of his ass. You feel better now, Kelly.

You feel better now. I'll find that guy. Fuck him. He's a piece of shit. And I said, why is he a piece of shit? He is I agree hang on hang on why is he a piece of shit? Because he reacted so badly to her like he should be that he begged me Yeah, ever you're gonna put something up someone's ass. Yeah, might get a bit of shit on your hands He went outside and he like

Flung him across the street and the woods. He's like come here. We're gonna throw the We're wait a minute. I have a fucking, we should do this. Here's what we do, tell us where you lived and where those woods are. Can we go try to find those? Go get a bloodhound? I'm going to get a bottle. I'm going to get a bottle. Go get it.

You're all so first. You got the stains. You got the stain. You got the stain. You got the stain. You got the stain. Like Rambo won this. We get Wayne Reader.

Wayne. Oh, pal. Oh, there we go. No, we don't want that annoying me. I got a pal. I got a beat on him. But that annoys me a lot because she made herself vulnerable to him by doing this something he really wanted to do

And they're in love so she made herself vulnerable and when she was vulnerable He fucking a way like a piece of shit. Well, here's a deal. I'm here's a deal though You know what here's a deal you gonna fucking put something you're asking once you go try to take a poop first Sometimes it's up there and it's like how do you know? It wasn't like a huge thing was a little Sometimes it's up there and it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like. So what is it? It's like, dead! Fuck you, what do you got? A broken glass? And a fucking... And a whole coaster? You get me scudged, you get me scudged, you pissed and fucking some thumbtacks.

I'm in. Listen, I want to ask you a question though. Are you, what cut, what is it? Okay, what's buttpeeds, what color? Purple. Now we know it's true. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That came out way too quick. So now you have the buttpeeds, it's true. That came out way too quick.

So now you have the buttpeeds, it comes out. Is it blue? Is it brown blue? Is it black tar heroin? Is it a piece of white marshmallow you had? What is it on the thing? It was probably the size of a half of a dime. Half brown. That's not a dime.

Wait a minute. It was like fucking! Half a dime! It brown. That's nothing, that's a half a dime. Wait a minute, it was like fucking, half a dime, it was like a rabbit shell. It was like a rabbit shell. In poo land, not a dime. Shut the fuck up. In poo land, a half a dime is big. I want to pay the left dime from a person.

All right, here's a deal, here's a deal. In toilet. In toilet. All right, listen, you fucking feminist. All right, half a dime. All right, I'm going to give you poo to eat. I'm going to pay you money to eat I'm gonna pay you money to eat poo Okay, you have to eat the poo. Do you want a half a dime?

What do you want a little tiny the top of a thumbtack poo? What's more? What's grosser? It's a horrific analogy as a bad analogy. You're saying which would you rather you always rather have the small one But if someone got some people you know, not some people we know some people would want the whole log and the Like a full-on I have a I think I think that guys fucked up is because look when you ask for something You know what you're asking for I at my ex girlfriend who live with me You didn't ask her to eat a fucking whole chicken chicken palm and fucking some a rubin for lunch You're like a fucking pre-interview about it like what?

You did I warned him. You were like a fucking pre-interview about it. Like, what? I'm gonna try it, would you? I was gonna happen. You did. I warned him. I said, I don't, listen. I knew, I know, like, I just know my body. I just like, no, I don't want to do it. I was like, God forbid.

I mean, my cousin was banging some girl in a van. He used to work at, I think. He was working at a bang bus? No, I think he was a bang bus. That's not a big deal. He had it. He borrowed his friend's van. He was banging some girl he met at Applebees.

And he's fucking her in the ass. He pulled out and she shit everywhere Diarrhea he took her without her clothes Ru out of the van and drove away like he was so skewed out. No, he's not a classic guy at all But that's that's a problem Well I shut on him and then he looked inside the room. I speckled his chest with poop. Did I have the next girlfriend?

I live with I asked her to let me fuck her the ass and I came in her ass. Oh, boy. And then like a porn creep that I am, I go, yeah. Now, I was trying to squirt it out. Yeah. Came out, came out with one nugget. I'm going to go with full dime size. And she went out with one nugget. I'm gonna go with full-dime size

And she ran out of the room crying by the way, I live with my parents at the time I ran downstairs the console where tellers not a big deal in that process my mom hears come over She comes out looks in my room. She's a puddle of jizz With a fucking Grape right in the middle and then what was funny was I go I clean up I gather my sheets to throw in the washing machine, I remember my mom just peeks at her door, and she goes, you're fucking washing those.

Let me ask you, did you go in the room and just roll up the sheets and did you go like, you have a little tiny dog and you put a bag over your hand inside out and grab the shit. I think I just got some toilet paper. Yeah, and scooped up the jizzy shit, put it into a... Shit, shit. But I'm a fucking adult.

I could handle something like that. It's not a big deal. I mean, really is that being the deal? Yeah, and you could hold it, that was not saying. Is it a big deal? Look, if a girl blew projectile shit all over you, I might boot her out of the van. But if a girl is like a fucking nug pops out,

I remember one time, part of the game. When we were raping this girl, we- Ha ha ha ha. Oh, it says three Bobby Days. Listen, I didn't rap back, you know what we asked for. I mean, I understand, look, if I had put butt beads in your ass and I pulled them out, there was, first of all, you wouldn't even know.

I wouldn't let you know. I wouldn't even know. I just, I would be like, yeah, okay, cool. And I'd be like, oh God. And I wouldn't let you know. And then I put them in the, I'd be like, okay. And then I would,, no one would know. Not even me.

It never happened. I would fucking kill it. Like, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't go, hey, what the fuck is wrong with your ass all of it? Yeah, that's a jerk, I make it up. That is, I guess that is a dick move. I would have to agree with Kelly. I don't like Kelly's fucking feminist hatred.

Sorry. Fucking golly, and I sound, you fucking shit. If you're gonna put shit in shit, you put your shit, you fucking ass out. Oh, right, we're last. I just hate when women get fucking women. I know, I'm sorry, I got really wrong, I'm about that. Yeah, you really, she's just jealous because she knows it's never gonna happen.

That may not have been the whole thing. Because the guy's gonna fucking literally, she got mad because it's happened to her. Some guys done that to you. Some guys, you, because you know why I'll tell you this. Okay. And you can admit to it or not. But you put the sentence together that was perfect. You said the words that you only, if you went through it, would you know how to phrase

what this fucking guy did? So I had to put it together, listen to you, listen to you because I've never had that happen. It's happened to you in some way, because you said you used dignity or sub-vonorability. You make yourself vulnerable to a guy and it takes it away. That's happening. That really is the thing.

Oh yeah. What woman has that not happened to? Yeah, but it's my grandmother. It's the only snafu, like some version of that that can happen in that, yeah, snafu. I like that guy. But the only thing that's supposed to be is this fucking round with anal sec is the only thing that could possibly go it. I like how it goes. But the only thing that's all. Sesame Street in this fucking round with anal sec

is the only thing that could possibly go wrong. So you have to expect. If you've looked at gay guys. Play the numbing. Not the only thing that can go wrong. You're fucking round. You can pro-lapse a asshole. That thing can pop inside out.

And it comes out. I don't look at it as a problem, because I like the placement flower. No, you don't. I don't. It's gross. I didn't even want to punch your asshole. Girls brag about that.

And like porn, you see him going radio shows, and she's like, I have the rare unique ability to do a Rosebud. It's gonna Rosebud. Oh, no, I'll say that's all the way. Okay, yeah. I will punch your asshole. If a girl's asshole comes out, I will punch it.

Oh yeah. I will attack it. You should. It's like your asshole got exposed to the atmosphere on Mars until he called. I was like, I will go get one of those mini swords out of a fucking one of those Chinese food drinks and fucking the tacitall Oh my god

No, I'll fight it, I'll fight it and kill Bill Ooooooh That's so gross, I know you're gross I wanna hear now these girls have both admitted to some shit. You haven't, but you did last week. What did I say last week? You talked about you have fucking.

Oh, my fucking asshole. Oh, OK, right. Yeah, sorry. What have you done? What have you done? Last summer, I had sex with this girl at my friend's wedding on a hotel balcony. And we were like, I was really drunk.

And I thought I was just killing it. And I pull back and- I love that the girls just laugh at it. I'm like, what? Everyone. What do you mean? Like, we were doing the thing, like, we were making out and we were all

staying in the same hotel and she's like, yeah, she's room, like, I was sharing a hotel room. I was like, my buddy's upstairs at the bar and she's like, let's go fuck on your balcony and I lifted up her dress and I was in like my tux from the wedding. You're the best man? I performed the ceremony.

So then I pulled the pants down, started going at it. And hang on, stop right there. It looks like a movie. Stop right there, stop right there. We're gonna take a break. Because you're gonna stand in this podcast. I didn't know where it was gonna go

because of the personalities on it. I really, I knew it was gonna go fucking nuts, but it just, it went down the road. I knew because of me and you. It was gonna, but I didn't know these horrors were gonna break. We're gonna be so open. We're gonna take a break real quick. We'll be back in two seconds. So let's take a break and then we'll back the fucking dance killing it.

I thought I was. I thought I was! I thought I was! This is Chief Subscribe. You are listening to the UNO Look-Dude podcast. For if you want more things, for something to cover your bare chest, go to riotcast.com and check out the merch page.

For there, you can see the majestic alligators fighting with weapons that only the bravest of braves have. You can also have the shirt of the man they call Dangerous Joe. For he has four eyes like that of a Dangerous Sea Urgent and yet he holds himself with the regard of a high priestess. You can also go to riotcast.com and listen to the other podcasts where you can subscribe to them. Like that of the hammer fisting, describing two men in battle. You can also listen to I hate my life with rich voss in Barney McFarlane. Rich Voss, a very funny elder chief with teeth like that of the with ivory riotcast.com and subscribe to the You Know What Dude podcast for let the other people in your tribes know

that the You Know What Dude podcast is and for that I thank you. We have friends of the India. For we are friends of the earth and friends of the sky. You know what dude podcast and come to our casino where we have free chicken finger neck. Okay we're back. They got oddly silent before okay. It did it did it it got oddly silent. That's a It did, it got oddly silent. That's a good way of saying it, oddly. But let's go back to your bloody vagina story. Yeah. This is definitely a fucked up.

See, here's the thing, we're in a sex. We talked about all kinds of stuff. But now we're into some, I love embarrassing sex stories. I love when somebody is embarrassed or something happened that gross you out because you never get to tell, you never need to say this happened to me and it's okay. It's almost like alcoholics.

You know, one alcoholic helping another alcoholic. It's like one shitty buttbeat helping another shit buttbeat and like bloody vagina or, you know, and now Dan's gonna put it's funny because it's when you played it when you're playing to the masses yeah I was fine I tell I tell you like really young comics that a lot where I said no one really what do you Kyle cease you know as a person who holds a lot of people there's wing no I just think that it's it's a it's

interesting that people don't really a lot of you know when you go on stage comics to go on stage and it's like I got a big dick and I was like blowing this chick's pussy out with my huge dick and I got this hot chick in bed. The people don't relate to that as much as they do to your no one relates to your hero stories but everyone can relate to your losses. Do you know I mean like everyone's here like. Well, it was a shit example. No comic ever was a dude. I got a huge cock and I blow a chick's butt out.

Well, someone's never done a black room ever. Well, too shaggy. It was done louder than that, too. And it was repeated over. My dick is huge. How big my dick so big. I'm a dick so big. I'm a dick so big.

I'm bustin' this chick's back out but I'm bitches back out that girl I'm syrup What what it would say when we left you you you I was banging this girl to wedding I was soup. I was like really drunk. Um, was she in a shitty dress? No, she's in like a really nice dress Uh-huh and my buddy gave me an Adderall, because I had been drinking for like three days. I just, it was just after the Montreal comedy festival great friends. Your buddy gave you an Adderall,

and her girlfriend gave her a blood thinner. Yeah. She was a chemophilia. Yeah. So she took a bottle of ass water. Yeah. We lost a good one that day. We love it. We love it. We love it.

We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it.

We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. we love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it.

We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. And then I like I'm like wow my thighs are super wet Back up that's the name of the podcast My thighs are super wet And it looked like if I didn't see it was dark I I knew my dick was still there But it looked like my dick had been ripped off. That's how much blood was there. Did she know? Did you start the period? my dick had been ripped off. That's how much blood was there.

Did she know? Did you start the period? Here's what I'm like, oh fuck, oh fuck, and this is all over my, this is, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I have the suit shirt blood all over, blood all over my legs, and I waddle into the bathroom and I go, oh fuck,

ah, fuck, I start freaking out, I go, ah, fuck, I'm a hyper-conjury, I go like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, just start washing my dick and bloody clothes clothes and I'm doing that murder scene Fuck you have to slap Dan get you shit together You're like Don't you don't have to the donut shop master shot mask. I'm gonna be a blood all over you. And just like, no, no, no.

You have the bunny. This is how big of a trooper this girl was. I fucking take my clothes off. I jump in the shower, wash off. That she blows me. Oh, God. She made up for it. Well, that'll be it.

She shows what a trooper she is and what a honga garbage you are. Yeah, I hope you got a business card. That's my, when you imagine period blood, you figure though, it's always worse than you even think it's gonna be because it's not like a head wound blood it's always like it's weird or blood it's like it's like a collage like a baguillated so you know it's like a basil leaf and like a she wasn't on a slice of old newspaper so you were fucking in that high base started it I don't know what happened the gross the most of ever been grossed out is in college, I hooked up with this like really, she like had crack baby teeth and she uses,

but she had like goofy face, amazing body. Love it. Yeah. I took her back to my house and then we, we had sex and then the next morning we were having sex and I have a white down comforter and I was like having sex moving around and all. So it's just like,

it's like Antonio Benderas and Desperado. Where there's just a bunch of blood smeared and you're like, oh that looks weird. And then I started checking myself and I looked at how did Jesus all, she's like, oh sorry, I was like, you're actually praying that a ninja came in and a little night and cut her head off. I'm hoping she's hoping, hoping that she's just headless. It's like the cabinet blare, which is a good kid hands blood all over the wall. She's just standing in the corner

But she was all fuck I remember that blood and sex man It's just I know it's gonna happen blood shit and sex you know it's gonna happen Blood shit sex you know it's gonna happen. You know you're gonna have a little poop somewhere along the line You're gonna taste piss you're gonna taste You know you're gonna have a little poop somewhere along the line. You're gonna taste piss. You're gonna taste some piss. You're gonna taste fucking poo. You're gonna get a little old penny in your mouth.

You're gonna smell some poo. You're gonna taste piss. Yep. You're gonna get a little, you're gonna get some blood. Someone's gonna bleed. Someone's gonna bleed. Someone's gonna get those little twisted up toilet papers like baby joints for GI Joe figures.

I actually ate one of those. Oh yeah. I was eating a girl out on a fucking one of those high school metal railing fences. You know the fucking handicap fence the railings those nice shoes up on that I was eating her fucking box and I was chewing gum and I put the gum up on the corner and I felt a big water toilet paper. I don't know if it came from her fucking Stamenca or the fucking Vag, but I manned up. I spit the gum out and swallowed the toilet paper back. Do you ever eat a six box with gum in your mouth and the gum gets in her bush? No.

I've had that. Wow. She needs a trim. But here's the thing. Is that you're gonna run into it and you get into these Fuck these just scenarios where you're gonna have to like the guy found the poop There's a way to get around that you just fucking throw the beads away You don't have to let you know like you and your fucking Because of pussy you're your your bloody vagina. No, I mean asshole. Sorry

No, I never cut like it never you've never had shit come out on a, no, no, no, I've never had shit, no, I'm not that bad. Sorry. Oh, yeah, the other day I was, I was, I had finished my, I love all our stories a few years ago, even if it happened last week, we're all lying. You know, the other day, and I went from Australia,

I'm real honest. I was, today morning, I was getting more snooze crushed How many times you can think of it? You go hey, how come all these stories happened to 11 years ago? One wild year All these stories was crazy Listen all these stories were a long time ago. Oh, man. This happened about We've been together hell on?

Yeah. I think there's three months before that. That was a wild February. All 20 stories happened that month. Something that happened many years ago. I didn't have many years ago. I was a guy I was dating and we were having sex. And then after we had sex and then we took the con. No, and I think I took the con.

And then I think I was like blowing him and working or whatever. And then he's dicks started bleeding. I shit you know and I went, hey, oh, whoa, whoa, that's actually the seventh sign. That's the end of the that's the apocalypse. And I don't know. And he was like, he was so embarrassed. He was like, I'm so sorry to know why. I'm like, it's okay. It's okay. Well, where's it coming from? I'm trying to find where he's because I must he must He must have just like scratched it somewhere. Did you blow me with a tack in your mouth? Just pull off his dick off like the body Where was it coming from? Where was it coming from the beehob from the top the beehob? Yeah, I was like But then I stayed within for like six months after that it never happened again. What did you're Australian you're a nice people. Yeah, if someone bleeds here

They're called it means they're gonna have good luck For the odds you would find somebody with a dickhole fissure Benefit of the doubt I have to go Let's don't worry mate. I got it. I got it Let me clean it up for you mate I got it too. Let me clean that up. Let me clean it up for you, mate. You guys became blood brothers in the most of the time.

Yeah, I was on the roof. You whizzled. I was on my roof. I was trickling. I was touching my bloody pee on my bloody butt hole. We're going to be together forever. Nah, we'll be springed. Did you fuck him in a tree fort?

No, no, no. I actually Yahoo. I love asking Yahoo, these stupid questions. I was posing like a question. It's all like with my pee-hole. All the answers go to a doctor. You need to see a doctor. Well, because I thought he had something else.

He did. That's basically what he did. Yeah, but they don't. It's an SDD. He could add anything, but you love. Whoa. Yeah, I put the fuck on. Either that or he's a fucking great jokester.

And he, he had fake blood in his cotton tip. It's just six hours earlier. He's like, hey Todd, give me that blood pill. Look what I'm gonna do right in the peel. Fucking lucky I used cotton. It's gross. Hold it all the way up. It actually says a lot of them say

it could be jerking off too much. And stress. Yeah, so. Well, that's what we've been doing. Did you say stress? Stress causes you to bleed. Yeah, it's a pee blood. I much. And stress. Yeah, so just like that. Well, that's what we've been doing, so. Did you say stress? Stress causes you to bleed. Yeah, to pee blood.

I know, guys. How the fuck do you know that? Because I pee blood for a good six months straight a few years ago. What the fuck, we went to stock market a couple years ago. You're going to watch it? Why would make you? Stress.

Well, made off goes down. I'm pissing blood for a month. What, what stress did you have? I'm a single mom. I have a house. It was nothing I really want to talk about right now because it's sad, but I mean, I had a lot of shit going on. You had it sad.

No, I'm saying like, why would I bring everyone down? I had a lot of shit going on. I don't give a, you don't bring, I stress out. I stress out. Again, being stressed and there's nothing makes me feel better in life when I learn that a comic more successful than me or, you know, or somebody I, a friend of mine,

has no money, or is broke, or that had to work his way out of a jam, or is scared of being not making it, or had a bad period in his life. Nothing makes me feel better when I learn like a Louis CK didn't have money after this happened, and he had to fight his way. But it's like, okay, cool.

We've all been there. So, fuck yeah, I love here. That wouldn't depress me. That I love hearing a story that you're a fucking young comic. You have a house, you have a kid, and you pissed blood, because you was so fucking scared. We're all fucking scared.

Everybody in the room, that's what makes me sick about Twitter and these people out there, these fans quote unquote, some of them just trash you all the fucking time because they think that you're above being a human being or having different problems. No man, I don't want to listen to people call me a fat fuck every day because I'm trying not to kill myself.

You understand? I'm trying not to kill myself. You understand? I'm trying. I do understand. Yeah, right? We're on the verge of fucking, I want to end it to mother fucker, but also I want to entertain you, ya fucking ape and make your laugh. So it's hard. So to hear somebody say, you're pissing blood.

It's like, at least I'm not pissing blood. That makes me feel better. At least I didn't piss blood yet. Yeah, so yeah, fucking, that's a feel good story as far as comics go. Absolutely, absolutely right. When you're walking there, that's why I take like,

it's why I worked as hard as I did to get so scathing with like, crowd work and talking to the crowd is for that very thing. Like, I take it very, very personal because when you walk out there, my genuine innocence is to go out there. It's like, I want to make everybody laugh and walk out of here with a room full of new friends who are interested in what I'm doing.

So when someone goes, fuck you, you're like, why? Right. Yeah, why would you do that? Yeah, that would be friends. Yeah, it's like, exactly. It's almost like your hurt a little bit. You're like, why would you? I'm not here trying to make you laugh.

Like, when you're being all dicky for your arms, fold like a jerk off. I blocked, it's funny part too, is that I, Anthony put a photo of me up the other day, and I'm a little heavier. I'm my heaviest right now. I quit smoking. I quit some, a drug that most people can't do.

It's seven months, and I gained around 30 pounds. I put the weight on, and I knew it. It was a choice I made either be fuck no to the gym and still smoke or Fucking quit smoking and gain the weight. I knew it was gonna happen. I fucking chose it. I did it But now the constant fuck you Fatso fat fuck fat fuck from the fans It's like I get it some of them are funny, but I them are funny, but I can't do it every day, man. I'm not fucking made, I'm not a robot motherfucker. I don't think anybody is that.

Well, I blocked, I blocked a shitload. I went to all these people, they're not even following me. And they feel like they can do that. Block, block, block. I actually blocked one guy. My rule is, you know, the smiley face at the end, or I love you, Bob. So I know you're a fan at least. And I actually blocked one guy who had the smiley face. And end or I love you Bob. So I know you're a fan at least. And I actually blocked one guy who had the smiley face

and he actually tweeted to Joe, I put the smiley face that those are real. Yeah, sorry dude, but are you still not coming back, cock sucker, make a fat joke about me? No, I mean, I just think simply when you can just get off stage sometimes, it's in for it's like, I have to go up there and I'll do a joke in all states

like well, because I'm fat this half. Yeah, yeah. And so it was like, even like I was like up there and I'll do a joke and I'll say it's like well because I'm fat this half Yeah, yeah, so it was a Evening goes like oh man, you are one funny fat fuck. You're like, all right, dude Yeah, fuck it your problem. I love that me and you are the only ones me you and Kelly the only ones that can really relate to this Fat stuff right? You're all the sun you were I was 200 pounds. Yeah, but you're fucking six nine five ten. Yeah five ten Jesus Pounds on it his pregnant and I lost nine. Yeah, but he's not pregnant. Yeah, but you're pregnant. I just lost it all a few months. Yeah, but you've never been far your most

no I I Try to teach myself karate when I sneeze. Yeah, I try to, you know, so when the, I can muster that up if I remember in a janta. Yeah, I can sneeze like fucking Daniel son. Give me your money, sneeze, Bobby, sneeze. Ah, ta-ee! Anyways, we're gonna go off on another fucking tangent,

but no, I think it's great. You fucking, your life was miserable. Miserable. And you were scared. And you had a house. Yeah. And it was all gonna come tr- tumbling down Are you still there now? Yeah?

Really and you were told that's why you're pissing you do it for stress Kelly's the same way too I mean you you came in today, but you had a lot of fucking financial stress going on too. Yeah right Get kicked out. I'll tell you what though. I'll tell you this. I mean, you know, you know too, things are going good for you right now Dan. Things going good for us right now, but we were in the same spot too, though, back in the day. I mean, you wind up later in life

when things are going okay, that you look back and you're like, those were actually the best of times, because I didn't give a fuck. I used to have. I didn't care, you know what I mean? So, you can, first of all, you're barely out of where they are. So before you give a fuck at opinions, shut your face, okay?

It's gonna come tumbling down again for you. But I know, I know, I know. I'm kidding, I'm just busting his boss. But I can't stand him. But you know what I'm saying? I mean, that's, all been there, you know, he's you're making money now I'm just even I'm still I still walk into restaurants ago. I could probably wait here I wonder how they do for yeah, but you have money you have money Don't go through right now. I'm gonna I'm gonna a very awkward period of comedy where it's like I'm a unknown

Headliner to a degree. I can't fill up a room with a regularity. So my headlines are few and far but you, I'm still opening for people a lot and I will, I'm trying to talk my tail on a couple of things because yeah, now what I've done was, in my life, when you do get moments and Bob, I know you get a test of this too because I've known you for so long now,

you get like a bit where you're doing well and then you're like, oh, I can afford to buy a 2012 truck, which I did, you know, and then you start finding it's like $600 a month at least. So it's 20 something a month. So it's not that I'm having the problem where it's like, I can't afford to pay rent and do so by picked up another $600 payment. And then when times get rough, you're like, wow, I'm really fuck plus I have a daughter. So it's always, yeah, that's love. Significant financial. That was the first thing I did when I, when I, the first thing I ever did was buy a place.

I knew in my brain, when you, Bobby, when you get that break, when that first pop comes, get a fucking place. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Hardest thing I've ever done is actually buying a place in New York City. It was like giving birth. It was just a fucking, just a process of failure

and failure and failure. I think go through everything and then the color port, oh fuck. And then you get it. You can't even enjoy it because you're like, fuck it. It took so hard long to get here. And then, you know, it's, but, you know, and then, you know, again, it's like you, you, everybody goes through this. I mean, every, at every level, because once you have, look, I got a place. I got to pay this much now. So when I was fucked, when I was, $300 a month in Spanish column,

living with Billy Byrne and African, I was panicking, you know, to pay that rent. Every step of the way, I don't even think, even millionaires are like, fuck, I have a $19 million home right now, and I have maids and how- $20,000 in bills. You have, you shit just goes up and up and up. But the thing is that we all, this is the greatest part,

is we all do the fuck, we all do comedy. We all, who gives a fuck, throw it out the window. I don't give a fuck, I'm doing what I do. I'm doing comedy. You know, most of us, it's gonna work out at this table. Some of us, it's not. I don't, I mean, me and Jay. I tell you.

I mean, I know, Kelly. I mean, if I could get on a morning show, and Bobby, I was saying this, I was saying this to him the break to Kelly on side, but I was saying how integral, like Keith Robinson, you, Patrice and Attell were like in my, like getting where I, anywhere I was at in a tell where like in my like getting where I anywhere I was at in comedy at a time.

And I remember you said something to me, we were on a road gig and you said something that I've had to be so profound and it really has in some weird way to this day, even like as of last week, like it comes true. You said like, Hey, man, you do what you got to do for yourself and you'll make the money somehow. You put it like I used to somehow you'll make the money you need to make and it's exactly right Like every time I'm like shit's going bad someone goes like hey, man You want to come to this college for X-men a thousand dollars?

And you're like oh, it's like somehow it just turns out if you if you kind of stay Righteous and like on the path of what you want to do like yeah, I almost feel like go worse for you if you go Fuck me. It's just not going good. I'm gonna have to quietly get a home depot job three days a week. I feel like it wouldn't work out. You're almost supposed to kind of like, I don't like the realness in that thought. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

It's the white guy walking by some lumber and I'm like, Jay? No, I was going to take the joke I go when it's just going back. I'm just going to get a fucking four days a week at Starbucks and get the benefits. But then like, it's just like shit talk. But the thing is, you're right, if you just keep, if you make a couple extra,

if you dedicate the effort you would to working, or trying to supplement, and put that effort, whether it's an extra phone call and extra email, you'll find the doors like, yeah, but here's the thing too, is even people listen to us, they go, do it, I wanna be you, or that's great to be you. Hey man, what you do, you know what to be you or that's great to be you. Hey, man. What you do? You know, I send this benefits to security Once a week you're getting a fucking check if you live smart you could just arrest you fucking life live

You know what I mean? So everybody I mean everybody has it different, but you got a You know what that's that the famous fighting is a comedian the Seinfeld You got a, you know, that's at the famous fight in the comedian, the Seinfeld movie he did with him in the Ornith Adams arguing the same thing where it's like, and Justin Silver's a comic. Justin Silver's coming, you say a lot, he goes, oh, it sucks, I see all my brothers and my brothers like a millionaire. He made in the stock, he's a stockbroker, and he was a millionaire. It's like, well, then go be a fucking stockbroker, that's not part of the plan of this. You know, I mean, like, you be a millionaire or two years in the comedy and it may take you 20 years to get there. It's hard though, like saying what you're saying though,

like, because I'm the most inexperienced person at this table. And I still have to wait tables. And it's like, I don't know how to get out of that to dedicate as much time you don't have to be. Yeah, you do, because you're doing it. You're taking me away from writing, or like, I have to go home. I've got a bit early. No, no, no, here's the deal. You're actually doing it. There's, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, it's taking me away from writing or like, I have to go home.

I've got a bit early. No, no, no, no. Here's a deal. You're, you're actually doing it. You, you, you, you, you're on this podcast. You're on this fuck, you understand? You're here because you reached out and you gave a shit and you fucking paying your dues and you tried.

You could, you could have said, hey, fuck you, no. But you're here. You're meeting Jay, you talk to Jay, you know, you know, Jen, you know, you, you and, I mean, the people you're meeting, the people that are listening to you, you're actually raising your profile just being here. So that's, that's how you do it. You take risks, you show the fuck up, take risks,

and try to work as hard as you can. What are the other guys do I find? And I see even like one of my best friends, Dave Smith, it's like a lot of times these guys will succumb to the supplemental income, where it goes like, well, I gotta be at work at eight o'clock in the morning, so I can't be out hanging out at the cell or till two o'clock in the morning. It's like, yeah, you can. I worked, because I worked at a fucking CD store that I'd open at eight o'clock in the morning and it's like, yeah, you can. I worked because I worked at a fucking CD store that I'd open at eight o'clock in the morning in Philly and we were driving here to New York six days.

I had five jobs. You can't let it. Five fucking jobs. You can't let it take you. You have to go, hey, look, if I'm a zombie at the fucking CDs, who gives a shit? Dude, I used to, I used to, I had to be home at 11 to work with the mental retarded guys. I live, I live at the house with them. I had to, I would 11 to work with the mental retarded guys. I live I live at the house with them I had to I would do spots and then fly home and sometimes I'd go back to the place at 11

I had a spot at like 12 30. I'd okay cool everything good and I'd fucking leave Go do a spot and come back. I did that for pussy once in a while too Fucking sneak out and bring a chick back. You have to at least put your Your drive into the what the passion is. Your passion can't be whatever you're doing to like, you know, make the money right now. I used to hate waiting tables. It was like it was the grow. Oh, there's the worst. Again, if you get it, if that gets a light shine on it with another comic, like it will frustrate me out of a conversation with someone where it's like,

um, man, I can't, I'm like, I'm like, I'm going to do another spot. If you want to go ride me, it goes, I got to be up at, I got to be at work 10 o'clock tomorrow at Kinkos or something. It's like, dude, come on. It's like, then you get, then get three hours. I got to go to Kinkos. I guess it's not the, it's more important for you to be here. I'll introduce you to whoever.

Wait, what, what, what type of brain power do you need to work at Kinkos? How many copies? 17? I mean, what are you fucking doing? Math color tone or something? I've found myself doing that a few times. I just hear you talking about it now. I'm feeling really guilty. Like, because sometimes I have to get up and start work at five.

Like I get up at five in the morning. So I get to like midnight, and I'm like, I'm gonna go to the home and get like four hours late. But I will have like four hours late consistently all week. Well, since the since the 80s, I think there's been, you know, Bobby came to New York, was significantly before me and you went out to LA, but the saturation of comedy has gotten so much more since the days. So now there's thousands of comics instead of hundreds and tens of thousands. And they're all over the place. And every place has

their own scene that you're just competing with so much that you just got to be there more than everybody else showing up., comics come up to me. What do I do? Show the fuck up, dude. If you show up, this is community, I just need to bring this up. Out of the fucking blue. I'm at the seller on, was it Friday night? Friday night.

I'm sitting in with SD. Oh, no. You know SD. You know SD. SD's fucking, you know. I'm sitting, hang on one second. Sit there, me and SD, first show. I'm sitting there, we're kind of just talking.

I love SD, I'm shooting the shit. I see a little Kelly's face pop up. Literally, B lines up, hang on, B lines from the door all the way right to the back table, right to me. And I'm like, oh shit, you know what I mean? Okay. So she comes back and I didn't know you were showing up, but you know, whatever.

I go, hey, I stopped laughing immediately because I know what it's about to happen. Cause that face, right? She comes back. She's, I know what's about to happen. I know how nervous comics get when SD's there and being at that back table. So I start laughing immediately

Kelly this is ST this is Kelly. She's on my podcast Kelly ST and ST hello, you know, she doesn't want anything to do with all right relax. That's these ST You know, she doesn't know her she starts just I'm talking so Stop by I'm just gonna be and you know, she looks at the things. She's just going, as she's looking at her like this. And I'm just letting her go because I feel bad. She goes, is, is, uh, what's her name?

What's the, what's the comic's name? Nikki. Oh, it's a lady. Oh, is she put, what was it? No, you call there something else. Glazer. She called her a fucking crazy. Yeah, she starts doing, she's fucking funny, man.

Fucking mother fucking funny. She starts, dude. Oh, she starts doing it. She's fucking funny man fucking mother fucking funny. She starts dude You should grab a chicken wing of Estes plate and just start eating it over She makes me laugh spray We've never done that before I'm sitting down so I'm sitting there. I'm looking at her Bitch I'm looking at her and I'm like I'm in the beach I don't give a shit I'm just gonna say hello and see if Nick is there and then I'm gonna and I was like Right, so I'm gonna be standing there for 10 seconds. I'm too nervous to say you came in like a bad out of hell

It was Fuck I'm She's blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Jess leaves. Fuck suck dirty pussy, good night. Oh! Fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek cheek, fucking cheek cheek, fucking cheek, fucking cheek cheek, fucking cheek, fucking on a bad out of fucking hell. I had like 30 seconds in between, like I was on a date somewhere. So I was like, oh hi, bye. Bobby, good to see you. Who's the bag? Like I don't wanna hang out on a date. You gotta cut.

I would like definitely be like, hey, what's up, Kelly? You know, hey, this is SDS, this is Kelly, a friend of mine. Hey, how are ya? And then we walked the fuck away from the table. So you don't look like an ass. Cause you just started swearing.

Mother fucking, mother fucking, mother, I'm a bull in a china shop. I'm always in the back. But it was like show happy. When you got me my audition, and I sat down on the table and Keith Robinson was sitting across the table from me going, why are you so nervous?

And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, do something with your hands. And I was like, stop being so goddamn nervous. You nervous gonna make me nervous. S. He's gonna show up. You fucking head's gonna explode And Bobby's like did you go fuck dude fuck what the fuck Panicking that this fucking it he was gonna just implode on me But meanwhile Kelly what's up you fuck? Kelly walks in fucking From the door. I saw it just right not one stop right over

Hello, what's going on with the fuck hey? I just stopped by for a couple of seconds. You got no glaze on fucking mother fuck She's fucking fuck I go easy for an essay. I fucking gotta go buy all right. I'm getting out of here. The Holocaust never happens We're gonna get the fuck out of here. No, it's all right. I just wish I would have done it in a way you didn't feel uncomfortable. Like, you could have slowed up a little bit.

And not just my- My the fuck am I the fuck? Yeah. What makes me nervous? No, you should do that, but you took a risk. You failed. Yeah. It's all about your own.

Failure and recovery for effort. Look at the first time I went to the seller, I was just standing there looking up at the monitor. Like they can see the show from up here and they can draw on the tables. Is that where they write their jokes? For comedy. Anyways, anyways, I really want to get into this real quick. I'm going to do this very quick. I'm going to play this quick, but I want you to, this is, this right here is Lewis Gomez's poem. Red by me is Lewis's voice.

Hang on. Yes. But I was the case set it up real quick. Yeah, go ahead. Lewis, his girlfriend from about five years ago. Yeah. So he's only about 25. He's not young enough to make this any better.

At least 30 now. So he's 25. He wrote this, I think. And I picked him up this night. He told me he'd wrote a poem to his girl who they just broke up. And she was like a young, like she was like 19 or something. She's like really pretty girl, but kind of like a doof. And he wrote her this poem the night they broke

up. And Lewis is and and Karen Metscher put this in a great way. Lewis literally has five minutes. You're going to see he's one of the dumbest people ever. However, he's very smart in some way, but this is his writing ability of a poem. And I just all you had to say, he's Puerto Rican. Yeah, there you go. He's Puerto Rican. And this is a poem he wrote. You're gonna enjoy this. We're gonna do a ziz, all right? We're gonna actually, I'm gonna, we gotta get the fuck out of here.

It's been another two hour fucking, you know what's, when we do just me and you, nice hour. In and out, fucking bad, right? Everybody on here, it's a fucking, it's a, it's, it's, you got Kelly and then yeah, Jay and fucking Gen aka of Vaughn or fucking setup from the setup punch tag

Improv group that's fucking hitting you BC East or you CB whatever the fuck it's called Will we're gonna we're gonna just outro this fucking they really get the fuck here So then we're and then we're gonna play the poem at the end We're gonna go out on the system fucking shit poem that Lewis J. Oh I'm very excited to listen to this We get answer on Twitter because you don't have a website. You know you can make one for nothing. I know tumblr Do something I gotta make a tumblr do something. I'll make a thumb can somebody make This is what makes me sick about Dan is that everybody loves Dan so then they'll put things and they'll do anything for Dan except that me Twitter handler is pretty funny

Dan said he's a website someone contact him and build them someone will do it for you for free. Yeah Somebody do anything for Dan for free And so does he is the funniest thing in a lot of this. Somebody's got to help help Dan out. Yeah. I hate that my computer's so far away. I look like a fat guy trying to reach for a hot dog. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, man, Dan can pay for it. We got it. We're trying. I'm going to check the PayPal right now because we said today

whatever money is made today. Oh, what? Today on the donations. Oh, boy. Was to you on that day back a week ago. Yeah. So I keep hearing the talk. You get a checker asked. Literally not.

Just deal with that with home remedy. What's today's date? April what? 9th. Not one. Is it 9th? Not one fucking donation. So they're all giving me shit on Twitter, but I don't fight and give me any money.

Cox suckers. Not one hilarious dollar even. even not even one sense for her and this is the save her asshole This is the save fat Kelly's asshole No Tell team eat nobody even gave a half of darn piece of shit half of darn piece of shit. Anyways, we got Jen. What do you got? Opening up for Steve Martin at Stress Fest.

Stop. Stop. Just kidding. I will be in Staten Island this Friday at the Looney bin, with no way. We're on Lord. And he's the he's the punch of the set up punch tag. I am opening.

I'm opening for Joe Conti at Las Palmas on Thursday. Get a website? I do, it's called thehouseofon.com. Go to home, because I don't know when this is airing. This isn't airing this week, so I'll be airing. That you're asking when I was doing. Yeah, well, yeah, what are you doing? You're Twitter, you're sure.

I'm not getting laid. That's your fault. That's your fault, by the way. I'm picky, I'm picky. It is my fault. I could have sex if I wanted to be alone. You're not that picky. I am picky. That picky. I'm, you know what it is? I'm personality girl. I'm not into looks. I'm into personality. So I need to get to know. We want to fuck a clown.

What do you want? Soda in the shower downstairs. Yeah. Me and Jay will jerk off on the glass. And Kelly will mush your skinny ass on it. A big weird science. Me and Bobby will be dressed in the shower. All right. So as you website again, one more time. It's either the house of Vaughan.com where you can go to Genvermorrow.com. They're linked.

Carol, what's up? I'm going to be North Carolina from the second of May to the fifth of May for the Cape of Fear Festival, but you can follow me on Twitter. Kelly for Studio. I love how sexy Kelly gets. I love how you say a C.E. Kelly is a sexy girl what she wants to be Jay What do you got big J big J comedy dot com and at big J. O'Courson is my Twitter

It's not this week. This is an airing now all right, so yeah, that's all yeah But go check out his day one of the funniest guys are rolling in New York City right now And you got your own podcast though podcast legion of skanks legion of skanks and that is What this the snippets gonna be from this snippet is actually coming from legion of skanks I'm not talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this.

I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this.

I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. I'm talking about this. go to my shows and promote my shows. Promote the fucking podcast, review and subscribe on iTunes,

keep it up, keep it going and keep us spreading the word of the YKWD. You know what, dude, podcasts. It's growing every week. We thank you guys. Now we're gonna outro on this fucking hotrocious Puerto Rican. Just getting this podcast.

Palm. You had to give me the name. My pain. By Louis Gomez. Louis Jacob Smith. My pain. By Louis Jacob Smith. Now that I'm feeling cold and alone, it dawned on me that I never wrote you a poem.

After two and a half years, there is so much to say, so much to cry for, to beg for, to pray. When it started out, I wasn't quite sure. If you were the one that could make me feel more, I knew you weren't a saint, I knew you were young, I knew you were beautiful, I knew you were fun. You know I had problems, you knew I was fat, but you took a chance and I thank you for that.

I was fat. This time when onway grew together, I really thought it would last forever. But growing together doesn't make it easy. It only makes it harder to please you and please me. We got too comfortable and maybe I'm born. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I can't help my snoring. I can't buy you earplugs and baguetteuritos.

We can talk about the week. We can talk about the week. It's better for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to... Yeah. All right, no. All right, still face. Oh. Oh. We could talk of that trip we took with you to the airport.

The yellow-gift fighting was all worth it for sport. Just sucks, we're no longer together. No more pigness. No more holidays. No more laughing, never. I'm not mad anymore, my tears are welling up and they're about to pour. I miss you so much, it's only been a few hours. I don't know what to do, I have no money for flowers. I don't want to ever feel as hurt even if my

manory confused and feeling like dirt. I want the best for you because you were my lady, you were my life, you were my baby. I have to go now, I'll leave you alone. I just figured I finally wrought you that Is fucking incredible. I fucking Lewis J Gomez Thanks. Oh, he's such a wealth of laughter. I mean Thank you. Oh, that shit. She was going for two hours Riding a bag of Doritos with Trip to Puerto Rico is one of the most artistic liberties I've ever seen. Yeah, that's it.

Go make sure you check out him at visiting.com. Check out Allegiance of the Skanks and you can check us out. Kelly, Dan and whoever the fuck we get on this show every week. YKWD podcast on Twitter and keeps friend the word fuckers. I'm stuck in the water, I'm stuck in the water

You know what I'm dead? I'm stuck in the water, I'm stuck in the water You know what I'm dead? Really is, really, really, really You know what I'm dead? Don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop Stop filming my face. Don't stop.