Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Bob Levy and Gary Gulman

Episode Date: May 17, 2012

The Reverend Bob Levy and Gary Gulman join the crew. RiotCast.com @YKWDPodcast @robertkelly @dansoder @kellyfastuca www.facebook.com/ykwdpodcast http://ykwdpodcast.tumblr.com/ Special Guest: Bob Levy @TheRevBobLevy Gary Gulman @GaryGulman Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta, ¿dónde viene esto? ¿Si no, por qué no te viene? Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos y no creer olvidanos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos.

Encuentra en los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un número de maú, a Madrid. You're listening to Robert Kelly's You know what, dude? On the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com. Okay, Kelly, here's the deal. We got another new sponsor to show. Yowzer Fitness. I went to this place.

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That's great. I'm on my way back and yowzer fitness is helping me do it. Go to yowzerfitness.com. You fat motherfuckers. Let's get then one more time. Lose and wait. His Bobby Kelly is Lose and wait. What's up, fans of you know what dude? Robert Kelly will be performing live at the Kansas City in Provin Kansas City, Missouri on May 17th 18th 19th and 20th that is four days of Robert Kelly dude

Go to Robert Kelly live.com right now for tickets and check them out come see me live dude Hey gang. This is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Liri. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Chrysler. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude?

You know what, dude? I know what, dude. This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do!

You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! You know what to do! I That's possible to a fair line of that movie alright. I'm wearing it. There's no fucking intro music There is we put it in we do post a lot of post on the show. Welcome to you know what dude?

You doing that I can't do it yet. You know what fuck you damn fuck you Whoa, this is how it starts It's not gonna rape but I can you know what? You know what dude you're a you do every impression on the world You can do anybody I can just pick somebody you do them you can't do the fuck you don't want to do it I do want to do it. I can't hit the note right You don't want to I'm not hearing the music. I'm not hearing it in my heart That's it right there. You don't care. I do care We are here with another episode this is a special episode of you know what dude a Lord's day episode a Sunday episode

We had to put it together because of course we have Kelly for stuka a K fat Kelly because of course we have Kelly Fistuka, aka fat Kelly. Oh yeah. Fat Kelly, she used to be fat. Really? Yeah. Yeah, she was a mouse. She was a mouse. She was a mouse.

She could be. Yeah, wait a minute, but you're really skinny now. How much bigger? I was like, I was like 40 pounds heavier. All right, that's a lot more. Wanging, that's a lot more. That's like my size, thanks. Oh my God.

Would you live in parts unknown? How you fucking huge? That's a my size, thanks. Oh my god. Would you live in parts unknown? How you fucking huge? That's a wrestling game. Hey, ring from Amazon. Oh, I'm obsessed with wrestling terminology as well. Best batten down the hatches. She might punch her right in the bread basket. Before the match, he'll eat a raw onion.

Like to gain a competitive advantage in a sport that is fixed, you would eat a raw onion. Like to get it to gain a competitive advantage in a sport that is fixed. Yeah, we need a raw onion Just to punish the guy That is Gary gummin everybody Gary gummin one of my best friends in the world is friends in the business one of the oldest friends We got of course Dan monster voice He's coming out of the puddle wants to voice He's coming out of the puddle We're gonna come a competing fucking deep voice Danny come lately with Reverend Bob leave Leave me leave me leave me I'm gonna change it to that. I like that

Leave me then won't call me a jewel the fucking time Well, we got Jen the the fucking gorgeous and the drink Jen she's been on the show before and I found out that you had you had Some crazy shit happening a face when you're a kid I did I had bells pausing Which is a bell can I just say something like a retard? It's the best B. L. Z. Is it where you have skin like Richard Bells or yeah, that's not an horrible to have that Bells Palsy is the best disease name

Sounds like you want to get let's get some bells I don't know. It sounds like you want to get, let's get some bells. I'm Paul Z. So your face would go like sideways, like, like, you're back. Yeah, no, I looked like I had like no vacan in my, I was like, like, that's why my eye is still a little weird. It's kind of imaginative. But here's the thing, had you invested in her early while she had the bells paulzy?

You would kind of, oh, the guy, right? Because now you're beautiful. But before you were bells paulzic. I was bells paulzic. You would have to fuck four or five guys. I looked like a five paulzic. Right, because now you're now you're beautiful. Oh, but before you were Bell's Paul's dick You would the fuck four The same thing with this one before she was a heifer if you would invest it And she was when she was giant About 40 pounds think this is I would have invested in that and then she would have lost weight and she would have owed me Come on, I was with you when you were gross

When you were fat Kelly I was there with you. Yeah, I'm like making Super big fat Kelly that's as if so you can do You know what dude You can do it. He's not even a Is that what you think of me Robert? Oh, I don't. Of course I don't. That would be awful if you saw my act. Here's a thing. Kelly, when you were fat, you were still hot.

You were cute. I think you were, I actually like, I think I was a little turned on. More with fat Kelly. Knowing that if I got you naked now, everything would just go BOOM! So what happened? No, it was because I was fat, I had massive dead. Yeah, she had big big fucking Yeah, you're gonna go to a Facebook and click for around 35 minutes

And then all of a sudden all of a sudden you start going like the photos from up above The my space Going to the abyss I can't help out. Going to the abyss of my fucking pain. She's 1000 and nine, just a forehead. How did you lose all the weight? Oh, we going back. Seaman, like every other girl.

No, no, I'm a lady. Come on. I know. She actually, I'll explain it real quick. I eat all the fishers. Yeah. Are you got sick? No, that's totally bad.

Is that the best? It's the laziest way for a fat person to ever lose weight. It's awesome. None of the two. No, no, no. It's awesome. I don't know the doing anything. No exercise If you were Imagine and terrible make it a secret interrogating Kelly I a secret interrogating Kelly like where were you? I'll tell you everything. I haven't had bloody asshole. I'm not lost weight. Now my body looks like a strong leader like the flight of blue. You like black guys. I'm not black also a black eagle. One black guy. One black guy. You're in. You're a Kardashian. You know. I'm done now. I'm fucking out.

Who loves you Kelly? Come on. Yeah. You do. Yeah. So out. Who loves you, Kelly? Yeah, you do. Yeah. So you had enough blood to do with you because you're asshole. Bloody asshole. Nobody's got bloodyasshole.com. They're going to have to do this show. That'd be a great time. Kelly's bloody asshole.

Is the greatest Twitter handle ever. Oh, thank you so much. That's how that's going to end. They have Dan Soda's hair. Oh, yeah. I don't know who started. Indian Dan. They had Dan Soda's hair. You had Dan Soda's hair. They don't know who started. Indian Dan, they had Dan's owner sped up.

The Dan's owner sped up. They canceled that one. Kelly's bloody. Oh, Kelly's ain't always good. So just real quick, I want to say this, Gary, you are actually, we're coming in on Sunday, especially for you and Dan. And you're leaving too.

You're leaving. You have a special and you're taking off. Dan's taking off. You have a special coming up. Yeah, yeah, I'm filming a special. I'm filming in special May 24th at the Wilber Theater in Boston. Nice. Yeah, great. Which is our hometown. It's our origin story. Where? Right.

I get it. Yeah. Where are you? Where are you filming it? The Wilber Theater. That's a great theater. New comedy commercial. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Me and Colin did it. You can see all the empty seats there. It's very good looking looking when you look around. Actually, the last time I was there finally, finally, the fucking fans showed up. Like, oh, the first, you know, when I used to do the comedy connection, it took me a couple of times, but all of a sudden I filled it up for our challenge. Yeah, yeah, four shows. I do, I make my bonus. Then they moved over to that fucking place one night to sell it out

It's just depressing to look up in the balcony and see my my mom and my aunt and that's Some some friend from high school on the fucking Lincoln booths, you know the president Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but the last time I was there I actually made it to the top oh Good, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the last time I was there I actually made it to the top. Oh good Good. Oh, that's good. So if those people there's some crossover within our fan base a lot of cross. Yeah So that if you could come see me I would appreciate it. We'll get it out there Yeah, we'll get it out there because we we would put down for two shows at the beginning So we have two shows that we did that were half-ass You know, I mean we put one together. It would have been good. Yeah. But it was all like it was

out. It was, you know, it was, yeah, that's what they do. The fucking improvs. They'll send you in from Tuesday to Monday. Exactly. And then wonder why you don't make a bonus. Yeah. I'm not fucking, I'm not a little kev. He gets to roll in one show and just wail it out, make nine thousand million dollars. I'm there from Tuesday to Wednesday to fucking half six o'clock show good fuck off Tuesday like who the fuck goes out on Tuesday night Kelly and Jen were talking about headline Sting in the Loonie Ben

Fucking name dropper More seats in this fucking room than we have in that club, okay? Jesus fucking Christ, I've really played a dump on set. It's in Staten Island. It's in Staten Island. The only place I go to, I wish I could cancel from the fucking dump nearby. Staten Island should be a fucking house. It is.

I did Uncle Vinnie's. He's got amazing theater and the chicks in Staten Island. Let me tell you, if I wasn't fucking married, I did Uncle Vinnie's. Yeah. That amazing theater and the chicks in Staten Island. Let me if I wasn't fucking married, I wasn't married. I would live in Staten Island. Yeah. And I'd find myself a fucking smoke in Staten Island. It's a hot rod. And I would be I would be fucking happy just being pseudo famous in Staten Island. You know, I once hooked up with the with the the most beautiful

girl probably ever Staten Island and and stupid our two of our stupid friends looked in through the hotel door because it was a sweet and they looked in through the hotel door described it and they're bad guys what do you mean I'm lost they described what what you know I was hooking up they were watching you a fucking he's so polite It's Gary it's Gary He's not that guy. I am gonna enter my penis into your vaginal That's creepy I want to make love you. I'm not gonna go that creep He's not gonna go game of thrones It just I hear myself talk dirty and it sounds stupid like a reckless try hang on try

I want to hear you talk dirty and it sounds stupid. Like a reckless thing. Try, hang on, try. Just try, I wanna hear you talk dirty. I'm fucking this broad, right? Yeah. You love it, keep going. Yeah, you get the, I mean, really giving it to her. I mean, really, you know, like old school, like, like, ow, ow. You're saying ow.

You're only being a dirty guy in the 40s. You're being the edgy fucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah like a serious him, a lounge act. It's like backstage at the Ed Sullivan show. So she's going out, out, out. I don't know, I have to, I have to have told you some stories. You told me some stories over the years. But you whisper when you get dirty.

That's when you lean in. Even if we're alone, you'll be like, and then I'm fucking eating her pulling things. You're wet. Can you emphasize me wet? I'm gonna eating their buns. You know what? Wet. Can you emphasize my wet? I'm gonna strangle you. You know what? Do you know how that's going to,

I'm gonna do comedy because I can tell a good fucking pussy story? You bet Bob's why I got into comedy originally. My friends were like, dude, you gotta go to the comedy club and tell these stories. Yeah, but you got into having sex originally so you could tell the stories about having sex. That's where you really should. And getting really and getting more that's the more well here's the thing. That's more exciting for you I think when I got into fucking a a Alcoholics anonymous

I I just learned how to fuck again like cuz I when I when I was young I used to when I was used to drink I could you know bang rods and I was partying when I went to rehab for a year And then I was in AA for a while. I didn't I was walking up to girls talking about God Like they were they were running. I was like, you know God You know spiritual and sometimes positivity and you know one day at a time they were like get that fuck Yeah, get out of there with your Florence Skolval shin That's part of the world she gave a life and how to play it in case you were wondering.

Yeah, all the writings of we this guy is Mark Caesar who was at meetings. Yeah, who is just long hair. Fuckin. I'm at a meeting one time. He walks in long hair, rip shirt. It was like a death leopard shirt. Some tight jeansie. He walks into the meeting right at the end. Goes over to the piano in the corner. Just starts fucking playing some Tesla. Tesla fucking hell!

The chicks all surround him like, I want to be that. I just start hanging out with this dude. He's schooled me how to get pussy, how to get chicks to touch your dick, when to take your dick out at the right time. I'm in a car, when to push down on the head and fucking, oh, unbelievable. And I fucking learn how to bang bros. That's a lot of people don't know when to take down on the head and fucking, oh, I don't believe it, I fucking learned how to bang bronze. That's a lot of people don't know when to take the dick out.

Like when you're in a hotel room with a girl, there's a time, like you go, okay, I'm not gonna waste any more time. I mean, the fucking you or you're leaving now, and I'm gonna jerk off. So what I do is, I'll just take. Or you jerk off in front of them. That's when you would know it on the road.

But what I would do is, at one point, I would just take my dick out, or I'd change into sweatpants. So when I got the bone, it looked like I had a fucking elephant in my pants. So then I would kind of put the hand to it. Like, when me and Florence, he used to do is take out the furniture in a hotel room.

So if you had the tables and the chairs, we would put them on the balcony or stack them up and say that they're broken. There's a half hour save right there. And then he would say a joke and I would have one like do my arm around and I would just choke her backwards onto the bed. And it was a hell of a move. Wait a minute, Joker, what do you mean Joker?

Like pull her back with. He had a look, you know, like a half an elson. He's going for a re-enactment joke. But then what we do in the morning, we always walk them to the front desk, so they left happy, you see? And somebody see it. Yeah, so you see what they have. I even go for, I take them to breakfast

and that's stupid, it's so hard to talk. No, never. It's awkward. No, because I'm guilt-ridden. This is what you do, though. You're guilt-ridden. They go to brunch. Here's the thing, though, if you tell the girl,

sometimes you get caught out, because I tell you, look, I gotta wake up early. I gotta meeting showbiz. You got to work on your story early. Well, you get to meet a producer about this big thing. You lie down to the weekend. You still want a second dig again. This one girl one time actually was like, oh, what train you

taking? I was like, I didn't take the fucking six. I'm taking that train. She's like, wait, stop being going to. I got to go all that way down to Astro Place. That's where I get off. I had to be wake up at six six jump on the train with this bitch Get off the train kisser again

Kisser to grow on the morning And then get back on the train you go all the way to fuck up town You listen just to follow through with a lie here would have been so much Listen I've been well I'm tea you have to lie like when the beginning when we first got a station you want to get laid i mean i use i go i got to get laid tonight i go bring me up as that i'm going to be uh the guy's brother on friends you know they mean that the show is rather yes and i had women all over me afterwards and i would have to pick one out bring it in a room and then that's it and I guess I didn't get the part

It's a horrible thing about you, but it says even worse things about women. That's what I'm saying That's it's not me. I'm just rotten. I'm trying to show the world how fucking evil and I'm on an manipulated day off I can't I'm not I could never lie. I admire you for your shittiness Fucking no no character whatsoever, Bob. But I could never lie. This is a problem with me. I should be able to fucking lie. I should, at this point of the game,

where it might not happen, I should be lying. How can you say you didn't lie when you ended up in the fucking Bronx with some girl that you weren't even going? That wasn't a lie? I can't lie to the people. Oh, I can't lie to my friends. But they don't know, you know, they're a bigger bomb.

But the worst thing though is the comedian's coming up. Hey, congratulations on the being the friend or the friends. I was just trying to be lying. I was lying. I was lying for pussy. I don't want you. The other comedians are the MCs that you you're gonna be an Amistad too. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm reading all the credits are for. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. They rip. They rip. They rip.

They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip.

They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. They rip. the other comedian, the credit you're doing well. No, no, no, no. The credit's a psycho, I think credits are vital because psychological, when you say to a fucking crowd that may not know you, that this guy is on this show and he wrote this, they're gonna go, oh, oh shit, I remember that, or I saw him in that, or I didn't know he, that was him, cause you're gonna say it, unless you are fucking famous

and everybody in that room paid to see you, which none of us are, I would say, we're famous. We have famed people pay to see us, but not every night of Not every single person in the room every single night. Are we selling out to The crowds. I mean there are some people that show up just to see a show. Yeah, you know with us I'm still second stage show like the band that you just see at the other stage. I wasn't even talking to you. I felt like I was going to jump in. I actually didn't make any contact with you.

I know I saw you darting back and forth. For you. I was talking to a headliner and a headliner. But a strong feature is in the middle. That's saying he's a cover comic. Yeah. I just do, I mostly Woody Allen. Some Hicks bits. Yeah, depending on the night. Yeah, I'm an impressionist.

Hey, it'd be weird if Andrew Dice Clay went to the zoo. Nothing. No, I don't know. No, I don't even know. That was just something I was going to throw out there. But I think with the credits sometimes, like, they can say, what do you want me to say? I said, just bring me up because it's the point of you being funny at the time

So really I don't you know care too much about that and the most of the times they fuck it up and it turns into a worse fucking thing Never but I think they sometimes try to undermine me by giving the credits that are that are most dubious I know a guy who actually admitted to doing that to you really no kidding actually admitted to doing that to you. Really? No, I'm kidding. Oh, I just wanted to see your eyes. I was right. Alan, I was right. First of all, Alan, Alan's wife, Alan, Alan, Alan. Who's the, wait a minute, who's the other Alan?

Alan's two? Alan, Alan's wife. Okay. You go to Alan's wife, right? Yeah. Alan's wife. Unless they're going to say Alan's. They're serious. He's a comedian guy. I I started going home Seven years ago. I just interesting thing is I didn't get him from you. You got a comment But no, I got him from my six my friends best friends in sixth grade really. Yeah, that's weird from the same hometown

Yeah, a lot of commerce go to this guy for years though. He's been doing general never seen me that he doesn't go to open mics a lot of comics go to the sky for years though he's been doing it. He's your lawyer. He doesn't go to open mics. Getting covered. An asshole. I love her. I want to know, can I just ask this question real quick, this is a side topic to the girls.

Kelly, what are you doing? Oh man. I know, it's my, I don't know who isn't. I'm getting, it's my house mate saying that there's someone looking at my room right now and I'm just selling him not to do that cuz I'm not there Did you send it no no no I can do Like hide the dildos you rent a house here. She's right. I'm gonna get my house She needs a room she's getting kicked out her room was $400 a month and they raised it to a thousand

Are you serious give another fucking boot? Yeah, And this douche, he's like the fucking, and in bridesmaids, the fucking bald fat guy, showing a rumble, she's doing a podcast. That's called to a panty drone right now. Yeah, exactly. So let's say panties. That is the first thing that made me just, we were just piece of shit.

Gary was thinking about the fucking, the art in the room. Gary's thinking more about the jacket. Gary is a piece of shit. Gary was thinking about the fucking the art in the room. Gary's thinking more about the chapter. Gary is a piece of shit too. Yeah, I'm a freak too. I'm not. Yeah. They're going to a literature. First of all, you probably more of a freak than all of us at this time in life.

You'll be more freaky than me. Yeah, probably because I have a variety of experiences of a variety rather than just one moment. That's what makes him not as dirty because I would have said, dude, I got a fucking truckload of pussy. There's like, well, actually, right now, I'm currently enjoying a pulporee of different ladies' companies.

Right now, I have a bouquet of pussy. Yeah. I enjoy it with each finger. That would be the thing that he likes the most. What was it with when Georgia O'Keefe? Georgia O'Keefe, true. Oh yeah, who flowers? Flowers are posis. So bouquet would be the appropriate description.

Of a bunch of posis. Posah! And by the hand. Oh boy. Why don't you say you're good? Yeah, it's just embarrassing because I'm like, like no one sees how I live. No one sees how I live.

I live alone, like, and I'm like going through my head going All right, what is in my room that's gonna embarrass the fuck at me? Bunch of NBA posters like black dildo I'm just a lot of yonderware I know I know that I have the Harlem Glob try this I know that I have like food wrappers on the house lot of my bed like I know there's like some the house lot of my bed like

Man, I man you ain't counting what a fucks cat it But it's just like now it's like oh other people have to see how I live so maybe they won't take it then That's a good idea From England you got that You want coffee before When you get that fucking accent when you tell it very very articulate Bob That fucking accent when you tell it very very articulate Bob See like that bulb She's got you idiot The worst accent of the world. Yeah, I'd like to eat that bloody asshole

That's that you remind me of my dad. So I thank you very much You're a good age Been molested right? No. Oh that would be a weird thing to open up on this one. I don't know, I'm very sure it's meant to it. I didn't see all of that. I was molested. Were you really?

Yeah, weren't we all? No, I wasn't molested. Oh my god, I don't know. Who did it to you? Oh Jesus, it's on a very special, you know what dude podcasts. No, no. We actually, no, I have talked to, we actually had a night at the comedy seller, me Patrice Mani, Norton Voss,

where we all just told our molestation stories. Yeah, Patrice was the best. I don't wanna go through this. You go fuck any car wash, right? A car wash. He used to, he used to work at a car wash and a guy pulled up and he was in his sweat pants and the guy pulled up and just came out

and just grabbed his, his mule. Because he got a little hard because he was in his sweatpants and the guy pulled up and just came out and just grabbed his mule because he got a little hard because he was washing the car. He was rubbing against it. Like a white snake video? He had a little thumper and the everybody Abraham Lincoln is dentist. I forget the losses Oh, yeah, yeah, mine was the blouse and I got I got molested when I was in the first grade by it I thought the blouse was your age Now she was older than they did really the blouse was an older woman. Yeah, she had big fat titties She played with my ding ding her and her friend and a rhubarb bush over by toughs University. How old was she? She had rhubarb? rhubarb. No, it was a rhubarb bush. It was all this rhubarb.

rhubarb. It was a rhubarb. It was a bush. It's like a root. Of course. Yeah. rhubarb root bush. I don't know. It becomes a horticulture. How can you know he was being molested at the time? You don't remember? That's good that he focuses it on that. I'm telling him I was molested. He's like, Ru Bob is not a bush.

All right, we get it. You want the college. You're right. You're absolutely right. How insensitive am I? I'm like a psychopath. I was the more, the more, the more, the thing I was focused on,

I wanted to interject something is that, you know, I've listened to Bob on the radio for years and I thought I was prepared for him to be really mean to me nervous. Yeah, but then but then you're actually quite charming I'm a nice fellow. Yeah, really. Yeah, well for let's stop. Let's stop. He's been so over two years. Yeah I'm good. I'm good to everyone unless you fuck me. That's the way I am I've known you i've always loved you do that

ever since i met you we've always been but i've seen you do some fucked up shit you slapped any box on a duchy list well that was acting that was just fake yeah it was here here's five grand yeah it was a setup it was it's celebrity boxing is not real you know it's like wrestling

i didn't know that yeah really got pushed to the ground you didn't tell the security because we know to do it and i took the wrestling background so i'm able to take any kind of hit that they would give me so you know if they told me back you know it's no way to get to all the wall i can take a bump i can take a bump pretty fucking good you know you took one yeah they fucking took it out they fucking

graze yeah and then later on it yeah anybody do you the I mean I watch this video I couldn't believe it was him because I know I know I know I know I know man and I'm sending you smacks him in the face but bonaduji goes is that all right what else wow it just takes it because he didn't know how to act or anything it was the funniest thing because this thing went on for four minutes we had to cut that down to 30 seconds because I go when I say something to piss you off push me and then I'll slap you He doesn't push me so I'm talking, you know I'm like you really didn't play the bass you didn't do it. I didn't I didn't shit on because he wasn't buzzing me

And this thing I go how are you gonna edit that fucking tape to make it look real and you can see it if you really look at it You can see it's me acting, you know I I get in a lot of trouble acting when i do my podcast from at home and because you know i say something to get some attention and next thing you know the fb i in cops are at my house what do you say fuck fuck the pope i hope you know i know i mean i just i was kidding

well i have to say you have to say i was uh... you know this is just a bit allegedly allegedly Obama No, because when I was something something. Yeah, when I was I was gonna go on opian Anthony I was you know getting tired of doing how are the same stuff I want to go with the comedians went to have fun as comedians so I talked to them They said yeah, we'd love to have you I tried to make my you know say I don't want to come on here no more I'm tired of playing I can't wanna come on here no more. I'm tired of playing, I can't spell and say, yeah, word.

And it's just getting played out. And they basically said, you know, well, we'll give you this, we'll give you that. And then I'm like, no, I don't wanna, fuck you, you know. It's done. You took a heel turn. Stop one second. Yeah, I did.

You, let me just back this up because a lot of people might know that you're on Stern. Yeah, for you. You're here. That's how I discovered Bob Levy. Yeah, yeah, well, I knew I actually knew you before Yeah, and then I saw you on there when you kind of you and florentine kind of got popular and then now you quit You quit you heard you you walked away. I had to miss show miserable men on Sundays and It just wasn't worth the money. I said can you give me more than than 100 a week to do a fucking show into city when people are making millions? And it wasn't happening.

And I wanted to go, oh, and a week. Yeah, I don't want to brag what it was. What's it guys, buy pizzas? They wouldn't even buy us pizzas. They would have retards in there on Thursdays, doing the round table or whatever it is. And they would give it them pizzas. And we'd come in and they go, we have leftovers.

Like, when we go in for for real, like, I'm going to eat like something that retarded guy just ate, you know, the leftovers of that. They'd never bought his food or anything. And it was just got to the point where I just want to go on and be a comic, like on Opie and Anthony. And then it didn't happen. And then I go, Opie, I want to come in.

I was writing bits. I said, I can do a lot of stuff. And he goes, you're banned from the building. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And he goes, you better call up. call i call up i go well what's going on and they go you attack for security guards and i'm like when and and i go you know he goes you ban i go put him on not even put him on the next day i i call back again uh... jared goes uh... i never said you attacked any

security guards everything's fine my friend is listening to yeah the third day i call back to talk to him they said your band from the building you attack for security guards there's no record it would i be arrested for doing that yeah of course of course so uh... security that's what they do yeah and i'm a beat up your security and a good for a sign for them to apprehend you exactly as soon next thing i go on my you know uh... podcast show and i go on pissed off so try to get how's attention. I say you know jokingly I do a whole bit where I'm gonna kill you in your way. I'm gonna come out there

I'm gonna fucking cut you up and you're gonna fucking watch her die in front and I'm just acting it out jokingly And you know what I mean, but I can you know yeah You know like that Yeah, it's okay Jackay Jackay Yeah, it's okay I was once in a row He's joking

He's joking Holy shit, take it easy Alright, but when you make me mad, then I'll slap you Yeah, so the whole thing was, then next thing, you know, I find the NYPD Blue shows up my house at 10, 30 at night. The TV show? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dennis France. Yeah.

And I used to be where I was at. And I was scared. I was like, no, that's, that, it doesn't matter. It was Bull Chose King. Special Victor, they were, they were, they were, They film in the same place. Yeah, but they both came. It was really scary to have them in my driveway.

So I had to explain, they sat down on me and they go, okay, and they're like, you know But just you know, just stay away. You don't need it And I just wanted an answer why you would think that this show why you so scared about one show that was the whole thing If I want to go over I was the only one that was not allowed over right, you know, which is bullshit and I didn't Started they started it would me I would have just won over there. I wouldn't have said anything. But they said I just had to get their attention. I figured somebody would email me and go, Bob what's the problem?

Right, right, right. Nobody, nobody. I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy. It's way so you're I'm the bad guy. I know it. It's kind of funny though because you like dude. I just wanted to lose.

I just want to say he's calling me. So I threatened to kill everybody. It's like being like an ex boyfriend. And you're like like I just want my CDs, but I'm gonna slit your Slitch fucking throat. Oh, yeah You went a little farther I consider myself barely innocent on this because of the fact that I did not Do you understand if I would have threatened to kill them first as in a they bet that's me going okay He's crazy. You threatened to kill. Well, that's and that's my thinking that's when I was drinking

You know that got me sober basically. Okay, yeah, so you've been sober for two years Oh, it'll be two years in August and it's just like I just couldn't deal with you know It's a lot of backstabbing in that in the radio business and it's a lot of lying. And I don't even think Howard knew what was going on, what they were doing to me, which really figured I can get his attention, maybe he'll have one of his top guys hit me up, but it went the opposite way, and I'm happy to be out of there,

and I'm happy to be on my own, and I feel better about myself, because I really don't need anyone to carry me. I carry my fucking self, fuck this. Yeah. That's the way that you're watching the slap. I was gonna get it on, it's fucked up. I fucked it up. We're gonna work this shit out some day. Yeah. It's fine Kelly. But here's who do you try Nick. I do. I last time I saw you was we're calling Quinn's. Oh,

yeah, fucking long story short. Colin Quinn, you know, finally gets me tickets. Yeah, he puts me. I'm thinking, did you think you were going to get better seats? I thought I'd be, you know, within the first four rows, you know what I mean? Yeah. At least in the fucking front. I mean, I thought I was going to laminate with maybe my name on it and my wife's name on it, because I never, I bought fucking two tickets. You have a history of getting your hopes up. getting your hopes up. And then just getting, during that time we were getting calls to me. We were getting calls from Us Magazine. And we thought it was to interview us about our portion of the TV show,

but they just wanted to ask us if Dane was fucking Jessica's saying, you went downstairs to prepare to to accept the matter. So you would be alone. I need 10 minutes alone before I go on. I need 10 minutes alone before I go on. I'm the same way, but I never breathe the word of it,

but you're so honest. You're like, listen to how badly I got my hopes up. I pulled up to Letterman's shed. They just wanted to interview me as man on the street. I bought a suit. I literally got the phone call. I went down in the lobby of the hotel Sat I want to know those benches like a decorative bench to have in these fancy hotels. I sat there. I think I cleared my voice Yeah, I got pumped up and I was like hello. Is this Robert Kelly? Yeah, this is Robert Kelly. Hey, Rob big fan blah blah blah

I was like, well, thank you you very much already I had my bio my what I have my hopes and dream Comedy of a current state of comedy this son of a bitch suck me in dude. She actually said she was like so what's it like? You know being on the door evil. That's evil. So I answered she asked me a couple of jick questions She goes and you know real quick. She tried to trick me is you know so so is it good being on tour? Yeah it must be great. I mean the show's going great. Yeah that's awesome. That's awesome. It's it's gonna be unbelievable for your career. Yeah man I think it's gonna be good and I start going into the fun. Yeah I think you know and is a Dane Bang and Jessica Yeah, I think you know, and is a dain bang and just a simpson. I think he is. Whitten. Whoa. Wow. She caught me. I'm

like, you know what? I go, look, I get it. I go, you son of a bitch. Why am I? Why am I doing this? You got a phone. Because you're a comedian. Because you're an actor as well. Yeah. First of all, I'm either doing the hang loose sign or on the news show. The tuna wars. Tails up. Don't that's called tells up that i like to

tuna fishers go tells up you want to find a tells us that those people can make a like animation on the wall which has with their hands and and they're called losers exactly they may be loses but i admire them i love anybody who is dedicated to doing something that there is no financial gain from, they just have obsessed with something useless. Like that kid who is a comedian,

who could balance a penny at the end of a tax. Spinning on a straw. Yes. Yes. On Letterman three times. How you serious? Or magicians in general. And I've been eating blue cheese out of a girl's ass

for fucking 18 years and I get nothing. You chose the raw. I wouldn't eat blue cheese off a fork. I think it's disgusting. That's why I did it with ass because it was bolting them together. Blue cheese. I couldn't even. People say we've ever seen them do it. People who don't know you're used to at the closing bit, you get somebody's chick on stage, get her to pull a pants down. Yeah. And then pour blue cheese in her asshole,

and heat it out of her asshole. Me and Florentine created this in South Carolina. Because she would be too afraid that if Bob pulled her out of the audience, she'd be like, Oh, sorry, are we tonight? No, bitches. No, she can see she's off the stage. If he did it off of her, it turned into Russian dressing. the audience. You're like, oh, are we tonight? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Yeah, and it was people's wives they would get them up there. It was

Moment of shine Get that cheese out of your asshole. I'll pay to girl a hundred dollars in Vegas to come on stage I know I know 100 bucks, but then they carried him out. He was so fucking drunk. I'm gonna play I waited I waited on him like three years ago and he got banged. Oh man He didn't fuck around he came in a lot of That is as far as I've heard anybody going on stage I never heard that already langs that it was like following a rape basically a lot of times that's more are more efficient

for a man that's a thoughtful speaking of rape but you know that the summer's. Now that the summer's back. You have a big array. Now that the summer's back. I wanted to rape five times today. There's a lot of hot looking things. A little rape in there.

New York City is fucking losing my mind. Walking down the street, I'm just like, I'm like, what the fuck is that? I was running around the reservoir yesterday I went through the whole thing I was like I could just come up behind I'll smack it And just doesn't let him like oh my god. I'll be arrested and handcuffed It'll be that but you did and here's the other thing I kept thinking and you know you're not you know You're not even famous enough that it'll be a scandal

Find out about it and this was all within it was not even a quarter of a mile I went through this whole thing and it all came back to oh you got to get more famous Your rape cows. Yeah. Yeah, so my slapping of the ass. Yeah, you did pick the right then maybe she's into that You did pick the right location for a rape though a reservoir It's very rare. The reservoir in Central Park. Are you kidding me? Very raping. It's been good since 72 It would be like if you know how that you sometimes put like a cross and some flowers where somebody was By the way, it's never a star of David Jews are very good driver I mean doing bits in the middle of the thing.

I added them parenthetically. But I'm so glad they don't do that with rapes around the reservoir. Because that would be here. There would be just like fucking Arlington. Just a bunch of fucking tiny words. By the way, May 24th I'll be doing two shows, specials. At the Wilba Theater, May 24th, the Wilba Theater. I'm gonna keep the rape jokes on here. Yeah. That's what you guys are thinking every time I'm going for a run and someone behind me going, oh, if we show it, I was famous enough

otherwise. You don't have to worry about the famous guys. If you recognize them run faster. Oh, boy. Have you guys ever done, I want you to be honest with me, I'm gonna ask you first. Have you ever done anything in this business sexually to advance your, let me finish before you give me your typical no face, look at me first. I'm looking at you Bob.

Not you. I'm not sure. Liz, I know you fucking put balls in your mouth. Listen, have you ever done balls in your mind. Listen, have you ever done anything in your career? Now, I'm not talking like legitimately said, I'm gonna blow you to do some, I'm talking in the back of your fucking brain way in the back where you're like,

this will help. Let me hold. You know, have you ever done anything? I fuck sell Joel I mean I think that really does answer that was a joke I was kidding no I honestly This is adventure career it was a fucking joke Advance what I'm gonna perform for a bunch of Mexicans in the back room of fucking restaurant Yeah, she wanted to go from Staten Island to fucking Stanford, Connecticut. Yeah, seriously No, I haven't done it.

I swear to God. Never. No. Okay, Kelly. No. Whoa, wait. Whoa, that was too quick. Let me look at me.

Oh, right. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever done anything like in your brain? No, I know what you're saying. No, you don't, because I have a saying. You. I have a saying. I'm not gonna knock it out.

Check one. Can I have the check plate? Check one another. Check plays. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. This is exterior added on today's go just keep going do stop laughing play the real one just do it I don't have a check check. Can I get the chick plays? Can we get the check plays? It's a security and I'm on today's screen. It's a good to me. I don't know

Says gratuity makes me Not do it any Can I get the check place? Can I get any good to you? Fucking accent listen, so you've never ever touched a man's peepee in any form at all Can I get the check place? Can I get any good to you? Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh Bobby's on fire Don't blame everyone's cock for this I even get Put that leg down stop trying to take Kelly's position I'm literally sweating to death why It's pulling I went to the gym before this he ran on yeah, I ran like five miles and my body still like on fire He's just getting it's getting you turned on to think that you might, this conversation.

I kind of think who can advance my career later. Nobody in this room. You want to go running in a park? Around the reservoir. I need a feature in Foxwood's room. Over the summer, but that's fine. I'm going to bump to the floor. He bumped to these sluts just literally got serious.

He went, no, I even fired. I was looking at like fuck it. I've done a pretty strong feature I'll give you an hj in that room over there I'll top your hj with a ball Yeah, but Bobby he's not asking to co-head line. He needs a Boom baby I love I'll fucking get a Ryan Hamilton lip on those fucking cock

Weird Ryan Hamilton's got great It's birthday it's his birthday today everybody I find myself asking questions about things with a Mormons do the men It's like did I go to the toilet do they like have a shit so Sorry, I want to be yeah, but seriously I'm like no, I'm afraid they pass guys People ask me that all the time People because I'm a straight people are like Did I have McDonald's in Australia? I'm like no, we fucking kill birds and eat them with a snap the truck

That sounds about right That's our imagine they feed That's how I imagine they feed. How they feed those convicts. Fact-cally, that's how she got fat. So I'm gonna get you birds out of her sky. That's how she started losing a little weight. I kind of, oh no, I'm gonna fall into a pound. I'm gonna kick him big.

I need 10 times in birds out of the sky. Don't be in the corner, bitch. Ah. Ah. I'm losing. She's not eating fucking crocs. Saltwater Crocs. Yeah. Loser. You stop eating fucking crook. Saltwater Crocks. No, no, no.

Did we ever have the discussion? Did you ever have the discussion about Austin? Was it, was there a follow-up show to the Austin? We did. Okay. We did. We talked about it. Yeah, it was, I mean, Austin was, it was fine.

Yeah. You know, it is what it is. It's just weird that it was fun to hang around though. It was a great time to hang. The show was a little fucking weird for us, you know. Yeah, you know, it is what it is. It's just weird that it was fun to hang around though It was a great time to hang the show is a little fucking weird for us, you know, yeah Well, it was only it should have been nine hours long, right? Yeah, it should have been well It was a long show. I think they get the hang of it. We we definitely had to talk you off the fucking ledge And there was nobody to talk me off the ledge. It's a suck. You I had to go up last Oh Jesus and then Gary's like, what the fuck?

Remember you you cursed out a couple people too. Oh, yeah, because they were talking at full volume while he was on stage. Yeah. And the in the in the in the not in the green room in the wings of the state. Oh, comedian. Yeah. That's the new Shmov. Yeah.

That stage talking full on. But this is the best thing about this. Why I love Gary. Yes, he's a nice guy. Yes, he will talk about sex and the woman's a Generon a polite man. Yeah, I'm raping on a run. Right. It's not rapist assault. Okay, run. That's right. Yeah. No cops come. Rob do it. It's rape. He doesn't it's assault. But when he when you piss him off, he'll fucking he'll let you know I love that That's great. You know I fucking love it. He'll fucking yeah But he does it in a very intelligent angry way I do it. It's fucking to what are you a fucking you cock sucker

It's angry so I'm wrong too. I'm always wrong too Gary does it in a very smart way What is wrong with you? Are you really in the wings? You're not he'll actually the wings of the same people That's great Most comedians won't even understand what he's saying today. I also I think I also told them that instead of talking they should be taking notes It is true You knew our you're gonna be oh yeah, yeah, I'll be taking them to Wil the uh... twenty-fourth May 22 shows get your fucking tickets now do me a favor too don't do the bullshit that you get this lazy white people shit

uh... i'm sick of our fans when you know the indian fans of asian fans fucking black fans or gay fans you go out and fucking as soon as the show's available you buy all the tickets and so the person who go they don't have to worry You know Kathy fucking griffin never has to worry Lisa Lempanelli a Z's all right these white people you guys are lazy You just show up the night of yeah, that's interesting. That's interesting. Go get the fucking tickets now. Yeah white Yeah, white Stupid ass white White fans the convenience down go when you hear we're at a fucking show.

Go get the fucking tickets. They think they can get in, because they're white. They can just show up that night. You know what I mean? The Idol, they also know there's gonna be seats available. And there is a thing. They're not a stupid, it's called white foresight. I'm always tempted on the newsletter to be like,

still good seats available, but then I just picked up entire group being like yeah no shit still good seats available I always play the other side of my my thing. Hey get your seats now. I could sell out How great is it when a show when you get that call? Yeah, we're sold out on the show. Do you want to add another show? Oh the greatest question in the world great. I want to add another show the greatest answer. No Yeah, I'm happy with the money you're giving me. Yeah, but say no. Double the money. And then they say, well, what if we do this?

Well, OK. Yeah. Listen to that. That's OK. You bring up a good point. You can always make a deal. I'll explain to them what I'm talking about. Selling out an issue.

Have you ever done your own hour? Oh, yeah. Oh, time in front of my mirror. What do you do with a comb? Have you ever done an hour? I Oh yeah, old time in front of my mirror. What do you do with a comb? Have you ever done an hour? I did 45 minutes. Yeah, I did 45. So the comrade festival, Malmö Comrade Festival, three years ago.

You did three years ago? You did 45 minutes? Yeah. Was it a good 45? Let's be honest. Was it? No, I want you to be honest. I'm being honest in my head right now.

Yeah. No, I've threw away all that material. I haven't touched it. Oh, you were so excited. I thought so. I threw away all that material I haven't touched you Oh you were saying that? I thought fuck you You threw away 45 minutes of materials Because I couldn't use it, it was Australian She's like

I haven't used the boo, the bad to me It's all fucking weird Australian references I'm gonna have to fucking lumbar street When I moved to America, I threw away all my materials That it again Good for you And what about you? What's the longest you've done?

I actually did 45 almost on Thursday Does Do you, does it bother you being a sexy broad in the business? Um, you can talk about it again. I'm not talking about it. I'm a little worried. She says, Bob, come on. You know, I carry it away. If Bob had of a job, you know, you know, you still try to fuck me. I would fuck you if you did a Rogan yeah, definitely you pussy Come on for the story Bob out of it, John. Are you to be a Denny's waitress? How's my golf guy? I fucking eat bombs Dead meat the hair was great. No

Oh, dead meat. You mean the hair was great? No, the lips. Oh, it was like dead. This is like dead. That was my favorite part when we were waiters. We would get in early to do our side work in front of the room. And Bobby would tell me the story from the night people. And he got so into it, and he'd be like,

and then I should've got my goh. Keep the turn to work. Keep the turn to work cock until like a nine-some-hours-time. My goh. Because the book is two pages. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there were so many O's. They ran out of O's.

We had to take some of the seas and put it, make them into O's. Did you fuck a retarded girl? No. OK, that wasn't you that thought of? I got a head and a hand job from, she was a retarded. She was slow. OK, where was this? Because I that i had in a hand job from she was a retardage who slow okay we was this because i think i had sex to retard a girl and this is how she was a retardage

she was a slow girl she was a fatty a little fatty slowly and she's to fall me home all the time and one day i just like rocky one and i don't think she'll be talking like that Yes, I make you feel good All right come in my basement No Touch that fucking wet mess mess Right so funny

It's like a piano you he wanted to use the room to have sex with the gorgeous. You don't need to say that. Dane doesn't, he has a gorgeous woman. And this gorgeous woman had the gall to have a very horrific just a horrific friend who was a, she wasn't even a manager. She wasn't even a manager. She worked at Smoothie King. She worked at Smoothie King.

And here's the thing, she wasn't working at Smoothie King for now. It seemed to be the culmination. Yeah, like that was her shit. She's like, what do I do? I make Smoothie King. She was the manager. She rocked a Smoothie King.? I make smoothie. She was, she rocked the smoothie thing. And I just remember, you know, so I had to entertain her

for the hours involved and then, and friend, would you talk about smoothie? No, I, then I started having a problem. You know the berries don't blend like you think they look. Sure, refer to my, my, my, as my, as my ding dong. And I was like, I'm out. I am out That's a fact that's a fact you're not gonna

Take your twinkie out She worked with smoothie king The I can't join that smoothie. She might have been the little This girl This girl I brought my girl The basement So the only thing that she had to jerk off with was I had lava so remember lava. Oh my god It's like fucking like sandpaper in it. So she's getting 10 to be 40 out of you That's what happens when you put a carburetor into an old car.

Back then, first of all, back then I was using Vaseline to jerk off with, so you need that gal. So she jerked me off a little bit then my mom and my aunt came home. So I ran upstairs, I left her there. And I forgot she came home then my mom cooked some food and I fell asleep. Bobby is a retarded basement.

What? What? What? Bobby? Cook some food and I fell asleep. Bobby is a retarded abacement Bobby is this retarded yours She's eating the the fucking insulin from the wall Paddy I got hungry I was eight o'clock in that I woke up I went And I forgot that I left like the Like the ovens on it. What? I opened the tornado door, and she was just shivering in the bottom step with one hand with dried lava soap.

Oh, no. I got you dog, Bobby. I got you dog, and he's hurt. He's got a broken leg. I'm in this hole with it. Don't you hurt my dog? No, I'm going to hurt you. No burners.

I'm going to hurt you it. Don't you hurt my jaw? I that dude just give up the dog Go dude, we can't buffle my bobby a t-shirt Some bad news guys what happened? Fuck me Bad news NYC22 has been canceled Yeah, that's a shows on the narrow producer show NYC22 has been canceled. Oh, no. What is happening? Yeah.

That's a show on the Nero Produce Show on CBS something that it's tonight, 10 o'clock. It's been canceled along with CSI Miami. What? Gifted man. I'm forgettable. I'm not upset about CSI. What state of cruisers are going to do?

CBS is cleaning house. That is from Greg Staley, our good friend. NYC22 is now canceled. So thanks for watching and supporting fuck motherfuckers. I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm blaming like, like, oh, I'm like, we did watch it. We're most supportive people.

Yeah, see, if I was fucking Asian, they'd be right in. Puerto Rican black gay Oh, there should be a hit the whites have too many people to identify with yeah, no more I'm going gay Puerto Rican. You doing do you still watch wrestling? I actually Nothing Literally I was looking at He's protecting me he's protecting his hour now, because you were going real hate speak there.

You know, it's another problem is he's got damn Koreans all over the place. I'm carrying a, especially in Boston. I'm kidding. I love Boston. They've bought it. Boston's cake comes out. They love their hometown boys. I love, I'm kidding.

I love the fans. I'm kidding. When he was kidding about murdering yeah, how it turns whole Really it was not gonna happen. You know what I mean? I'm not that you don't even know how to use a knife I know like that anyway, we're gonna take a break right now do a little commercials First of all, we I just want to say before we go to break Gary gumman once you plug your date Where you gonna be I'll be at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, May 24th. Two shows, recording my second special.

Nice. Second special. Rob, you're actually going somewhere too. I'm going to be in South Carolina on one of three point, three in Greenville. I'll be starting there in probably Monday. This Monday. Yeah, coming up.

Tomorrow? No, the other Monday. Well, that would be the next Monday. I don't know when it's airing. Yeah coming up tomorrow. No the other Monday. Well that would be Monday. Okay, I you know I don't know when it's hearing so I'm gonna do Nick and Arty tomorrow night and then I'm fucking out of here. I love them too and I also I'll do my podcast on more like radio.com tonight on Sundays I do it and Rick House radio so I just keep keep working man. Awesome brother. Congratulations to that and Gary definitely go see him. Yeah. Get your tickets now. Thanks, Bob. And wait and we'll be back after these commercial messages.

And yes, we fucking really do have commercials. I don't why are you looking at me so angry? You're a fucking twat. All right, Kelly, we got a great sponsor of the show. Official sponsor of the show. Adam and Eve.com. We do, Robert, do you want me to tell you a bit about it? I do, first of all, I love this thing

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let us know you're supporting our sponsors, you guys are the best, thanks a lot guys. When you fucking chicken, you said when you fucking chicken the ass, and shit, and blood comes on, and you dig that's a for stucco Yeah, she got a for stucco that got a fucking for stucco from this broad That is we did it right What it's just shit is called the Norton

Patches lands on your chest, but he's a sick. We are back We we are back hang on one second guys Yeah, keep him keep him coming So Frank Waller. I went back in. So, I'm sorry, Kelly. Kelly, huh? You know what? I can't get mad at Kelly. I can't. I just fucking eyelashes.

You know the fucking. You know what? You know. I know shit. You're fucking eyelashes. I know shit. You got your eyelashes. I know, man.

Some of them bitch. I can be kissing you for days. Who can? Everyone fucking hates me. Jenna's sexy, sexy, Kelly's cute. You know what I mean? Like I can't get mad at her. Everyone's looking around going,

that is an insult to somebody. I'm sorry. I meant that in a good, not bad way. I was trying to, hey, be nice. Hey, oh, hey. Anyways, we are fucking back. And you know what, it's weird because you did have, I was trying to be a- Hey, oh, hey. Anyways. Lou. We are fucking back. And you know what, it's weird because you did have, like you say that you were scared of him.

You had a bad rep, man. I mean, you fucking, you fought people. You would punch people. I would take care of like, when I take people on the road. I was just afraid he would hurt my feet. No, no. I gotta be honest with you. I wasn't physically afraid.

I just didn't want to. Harry, we know. His six four. I know. I know. But the whole thing. When you book a show together, I would book these big tours with Arty and whoever.

And I felt like if somebody would bother them, like one time Ar already was being bothered, it was like this mob looking guy in Florida, and he wouldn't stop it, and like, I think I'm in charge, so I don't know what to do. I'm drinking, I'm thinking like, I haven't fuck it. I'm just gonna punch him in the fucking face. So I just punched the guy in the face,

he goes flying, next thing a big fight starts, but then he stops bothering already. On a family of few, that would be the last survey. But what do you do? What do you do if like somebody, you know, fans of the show sometimes get carried away with you when you're out there and they don't know when to stop. They think they're funny and they're always like, here's something you can use.

Hey, just walk away, just to have fuck you and leave. It wasn't allowing to walk away. I mean, it was one of those following and nobody was the bounce of there. So I had to, I had to. I had that happen sometimes where you know you cause the ONA fans are a little fucking crazy. Here's the problem too is that sometimes not every ONA fan is a fan of mine. That's why I love this podcast because the people that listen to the show, I know they're a fan of mine, they're

a fan of Dan, they're a fan of Kelly's, they're a fan of my friends because you actually have to go and actually download it. This work to be done to listen to the show, you can't just sign up on Twitter and follow me because you know, you know, and certain O&A fans aren't fans of mine. And you're doing a show like that. They may be already fans of Stern fans or whatever. And then they're busting your balls because they, yeah, fuck you, they don't give a shit. Yeah, but I noticed like the O&A fans are more into the comedy thing when you're doing a show

with them and the audience. All my fans who show up at comedy shows are fucking they'll yell out some shit which kind of fucks people up because they yell out Bob who used to have this Bob I love you to the best and I go thanks they go not you. I love that story. I was laughing. I was talking to things. Tork as a man's don't know that. So they're like, you fucking asshole. Don't say that to Bobby. Exactly. They know me as Bobby. They know me as Bob. And that's what is in the stern fans were different because they'd yell out different

stuff. So if you had the mixture of embalte, it was fucking insane. But like, I noticed that one a fans with more like polite would listen to the show and enjoy comedy more instead of being yelling out bob a booby the whole fucking show when you're up there you know for a couple how it starts shows i did him with the hearty yeah and stuttering john yeah sure i mean they were good they're good yeah they were they were fucking little routie but they're faithful you know that's one thing you must say the show is work on different levels so you get

people who like it on the on the lowest level and then you get people who are actually intellectuals and really get help really Yeah, I got a second. Dan don't have a fuck Water it's gone bobbing Did you ever do the announcer the deaf jam announcer who's working at the alternative club? Do you ever do the announcer, the deaf jam announcer who's working at the alternative club for them? We for an hour and a half to Dan Soderk entertain Dan Natterman and I were stuck in traffic by announcing alternative comics in a deaf jam way So you would say you would say you would be what you already you already get your Z's on Motherfucker's ready to really do some intellectual thinking Who's ready to do take a mother fucking that?

Mother fucker coming to the stage. Oh Shit you better have a friend pick you up This my fuckers like some anesthesia give it up for my man. Ty buried Hey, everybody My my my next guess, uh, may induce drowsiness and alcohol man, intensify this effect. So, if y'all been drinking, now's the time to designate a driver. My name is...

If you have the need for a nice Thundercats reference, welcome to the next comedian. Motherfucker got jokes behind them beards. This next beard of motherfucker. Aww, motherfucker. This next motherfucker's beard is like a nest motherfucker. This motherfucker wears so much plaid he cut down trees. Killing it up. This next motherfucker's notebook is so ratty there there are loose leaf notebooks pages falling out all over the place and he got some thick ass glasses

Fuck yeah, we did that all the way to Liberty live dude. I can do this all day. Oh my god. My joy fucking Fuckin great. Oh, oh fucking great damn oh oh shit you're only a middle you serious I'm dan soda is one of the fun I can't you know and I can't he's one of the funniest guys I know yeah not only on rhesa radio too okay yeah and um but you get up for the human clonipid it's so that's so that's gonna fucking pass all I'm gonna replace this cock sucka soon So I'm hoping that his career does fail

I hope he only has 20 minutes of good shit To come I can dimmer's like no I'm with the high school with them my mom's name Trish Nurse I got some bad news when I was snowboard Fucking Dan You're ready to get your Z's This next motherfucker gonna stop you from operating heavy machine You know you want this nine names you want to say

Road right in the middle of both roads Swedish day and I am Want to throw anybody out of the bus unless he throws everybody Swedish for neutral too really actually let the Nazis build train tracks more so they can Really is God hates him Comfortable on the sweat You and I hate fence itters. Yeah we know we hate neutral people. Guess what? A pick a side you push back grass is green on both sides. I just love it when those people get fucked in there. Come up and

say Gary Gama would say. Whoa. I know it's not my work. I you work the alt rooms though. You work them a lot and you do too. And so do know. It's not my work. I, uh, I, I, I, you work the all rooms though. You work a lot and you do too. And so do you. You, I mean, because you have to. Yeah, you have to. No, I, I, we have to. I mean, that's, I thought to blow somebody. His compliments are amazing.

No, he gives them out. You blow me, you take Kelly's seat. That's all. And you open up and we fit've got three times a year, but it has to be a good blow job. Not one of these, and take the spanks off. Those gross me out. You know, just how hot your ass hull is right now,

just gross me out. Like a campodeon juggle. Right now, it's like the fucking oil and a fucking noodle soup. You know, it goes up, it's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why is there oil in there? Oh, yeah, the pussy juice and the asshole juice mix and make like some type of fucking new energy.

Hi, I'm from the pussy. I'm from the asshole. Nice to meet you. Oh, really? I mean, you got your pussy juice and my asshole juice. Who are your asshole juice and my pussy juice? And then, that's a gag, I guess, definitely. But those things that she has on, they basically look like the bike pants.

Yeah, those are bike, those aren't spank spanks. Those are just bike pants. Yeah, let me just say something. My wife had spank so I had this joke in my act about it, both spanks, how they're just the grossest thing ever because when you put them on, you can't take them off at the wedding because they're so tight. They're so tight that they cut a hole out where the pussy is. So you can just go in and pee. Yeah, because you can't take spanks off. So yeah, there's just a hole. So it's black and then a pussy. And it's the pussy, the pussy isolated is the grossest thing on the planet. Just the pussy with black around it,

it looks like just something the guy from Bizarre Food should eat. It's like a rock. It's kind of like LeBron James. It's movement, shotsy. Yeah, it looks like it's... You know, like an octopus mouth with a beak? It's got the little thing in the front. Oh, I just...

Oh, the octopus, is it? Oh, an unsightly sea mammal. Can't even sightly sea-male. No, it's not a mammal. I don't know, but that has really made me laugh. It's a fish. The octopus is a... It's a fish.

Kelly? He's the iPad. Yeah, she... I don't know why I got this. I thought you were going to use her knowledge of the great barrier we've been. Here's the deal, as I got to this, because I wanted her as we're going, you wanna see?

Shut your face. I wanted her. As we're going to go, there's a question. And then find it and spin it to me and go, actually, it's a fish, but she's just, she just wants to be an observed. No, it's a mammal. It's a mammal. Is it a mammal? It's a fish. You eat it on Christmas Eve. You eat the seven fish.

It lays eggs. It's a fish. Are you getting bell palsy again? And I bigger than the other. And that's a scar. That's from the Bells Paulsie. I'm not one eye is one. I'm fucking my day off, Kelly. You're still pretty. You just look like you're about to ask me a question. Just like cock guy. Like you look like you don't believe me. She's got one scar already. That was good, but I just fuck it. Like, it's smell your piss, your eyes closing,

and you're some fucking stuff. And you're gorgeous, sexy, funny, and you're pussy shoes and asshole juices mixing. Oh, yeah, before I go, I will look and, and I'll dump Kelly off the show one blowjob that's all takes. Before I knew she was a comic I was very attracted to her. Oh Yeah, no that has nothing to do with you that has to do with his reputation

My life has been destroyed by you He doesn't ignore me since the day I met you That's my game It's good. I'm not going to lie. He did it to me for years. I'm Oddly every time I see me he's like it's my game. That's his game. That's what he's, you hear what he just said? They wrote it. Well, that game sucks.

Oh, did you hear what she just said? Oh, it's working. Do you see? I'm glad to. Wait, do you see? Yeah, I think that's fucking genius. Listen, I fucking love you and I love you. And I think you both should fucking hook up.

I think we make a connection. I say we go on a date and you know what, we pay for it. We'll be back in two and two. It's really going on. This motherfucker's getting some pussy tonight. Wow. Next car coming to the state. You come to this pussy.

Fuck some headliner. This bitch sucka me in there. Yeah. Welcome to Bad in the cave If you're if your girlfriend find intellect to be an afro dizzy act I'm gonna get rumped up tonight I think you guys should go on a date really what do you think? Are you doing it though to protect yourself Gary? What do you think because you you doing it though to protect yourself?

Gary, what do you think? Because you've had such bad luck. I love Jen. No, I, I, you can't let me date another comedian. Look, talking to the microphone. Jen, let me date another comedian. I, I'm just gonna get into my house. My rule for you, I've said to him a minute,

you can't date somebody with a headshot. Yeah. They cannot, I don't care. A magician, a dancer, I don't care what part of this fucking shit business is in. You don't get to be with her. You need to date squares. You need to date people with no hopes and dreams.

That's the best. That's what Carrie, because Carrie's the drama mama. Carrie's the baby girl. He's like me. He can be the one. And that's it. You need a square. Jen, Jen's got hopes and dreams.

She's just gonna be something. And I'm ruthless. You can crush those, sir. Yeah, I'm gonna near me crush Yeah, she's also got the attitude of a seasoned hooker. Yeah She's sitting there. She's like I told you half and half is 50 That's all you wanted season She's got a star too. So that's later. She was little green. She was an amateur How's the hooker. A little green. You remember how I was your first hooker?

Like a professional hooker. Like a real pro. Pass that exactal knife out of the hook. I got to cut these specs off to get into my vagina. I'm not gonna lie. Down on the streets, I look a lot skinny. It's the specs. I'm not gonna walk.

I'm not 20 up to price. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'll blow you without a rubber. But when you're gonna you but tell me when you're gonna come. I can feel it in the ball. I see you. I got a six-centred these things. I see your quads tightening up. I'm fucking slapping you. I'll tell you what, you throw in an extra 10, I'll let you pre-com in my I'll throw a little bit. The clear stuff, not the fucking cloudy shot. I don't want you mixing, don't mix them. I'm gonna vile in my asshole juice and pussy juice

if you want to take it home. My paper's downsized. I use you to put it on lettuce so people know it's me. You're loving this aren't you? Oh this is it. Because I love her. She is a sweet girl. You know what I mean? I heard Jen has great.

She is cool. And that's what you want. So I think this could work out. No, I would. I mean, listen, I've had so many opportunities to like hook up with some pretty big, and I won't. I'm not saying. We'll be the judge.

I'm not saying. We'll be the judge. Did they headline? Yeah. Like comedians. Like, oh, I've gone. I've gone on a few dates., I've gone a few dates with one we did nothing like absolutely I kissed him on the cheek on our first date and he was like seriously and I'm like yeah seriously I get the fuck out of the car. That's all you're getting really We didn't even have sex and we went on six dates. We didn't even touch them. Can I just take some right now? Just know this, that there's a headliner out there

that hates you. We're friends, we're friends. No, you're not. You're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. I'm gonna tell you something. No, and I'm gonna tell you something.

There's no way. No, and I'm gonna tell you something. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be.

You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. You can't be. There's no guy that's a comedian, an alpha male comic. That's a headliner. They went on six days with you, and legitimately thinks you're a good person now. He's secretly even lying to you. He will still hang out with you. He will keep shit moving because that's what you do in

show business. Hey, what's up? Yeah, but secretly fucking despises you. He wants to stab you vagina with a fucking one of those old rulers when you get in high school with the little metal thing on the That's what he wants to do. I realized it was a bad idea once what we're on the Seven-step yeah, you know, I really did like him. I really did like him I genuinely liked him as a person to make it right first

I didn't want to go on the deep because he had pursued me for so long Long time and then finally what were you hunted down what the fuck is that? I smelt it long time and then finally when I was what were you hunted down with a fuck is that you resist you're a tracer I smell that what if you resist me at all yeah my balling at home I don't understand these guys who keep that your game though you said that your game yeah maybe I mean your game is you you

just grab them in a headlock yeah you just take it on the best yeah but you gotta get the other you gotta get the good you gotta get the game though from the girl that genuinely wants you know to fucking be spoon to get the game though from the girl that genuinely wants You know to fucking be spooned, you know like there's the girl that goes I fucking like him if I fuck him now I'm never gonna hear You fuck me now. I'm there tomorrow Yeah, Kelly if you I can't say to her She's like my little sister Bob. Don't see it's okay. You suck my If you I can't say to her Bob don't say to me Right now listen to me man baby girl

Baby you suck my dick. Yeah, I'm gonna be there tomorrow. I know you would be there and I'm gonna like you even more Exactly, I'm not gonna I'm gonna be honest Bob. I'm gonna be in love with you. I'm not gonna be it's not gonna be this Serious thing we're gonna be we're at I don't want flowers. I'm not gonna give me, Bob. I'm not gonna be in love with you. I'm not gonna be, hey, it's not gonna be this serious thing. We're gonna be where we're at. I don't want flowers. I'm not gonna give them to you. But if you suck my dick, that doesn't throw you out the door. Now, I know that you like me.

So myself is the problem. When you suck my dick, I know that you like me. That means I get to like you. The fear is gone. Okay. You understand? What about, what's the difference between? I'm not done. I'm not done becoming a rouse. Fear is gone. Okay, you understand what about what's the difference between

I'm not done becoming around The difference between what you're talking about then what like I need help a good game I have a night game I don't know if Kelly wasn't a frontline and she tried pulling that bullshit with me like I don't know that one I said you fuck immediately Back to fucking Australia. I'm gonna be dead. Women think you gotta put in time with them. You know what I mean? It has to be all this time you have to put in with them before. It's not even that.

No, it's not even that. It's more like, because 30 minutes ago, you guys are talking about how, yeah, I fuck this girl. I give you these credits to fuck this girl. I fuck this girl, I fuck this girl, I fuck this girl. And then five minutes ago, it's like, oh, you think if you blow me, I won't be, you know, come back tomorrow. Like, at the total contradiction. But those girls were fucking... It's like oh you think if you blow me I won't be you know come back tomorrow like Diction those girls were fucking So who's which what's the other listen? Here's a deal you okay? You help me I got my game here's a deal. You're gonna wind up with who you're gonna wind up with yeah, okay?

My wife I have that joke of my act my wife blew me on the first day. I didn't apply you you wouldn't amarrita on a rock Waitress yeah, don't waitress at a fuck place Here's how I know that you must have really liked her you didn't share that story I'm She was blowing me up. You're on my block. I was, I was, I was, I was, she was sucking my rock, I caught her in a rock. I knew about everybody else. I had to come in my sock. I looked at her in the back and, Dr. Susp. I got a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a a sock and a block. He was on the plate and threw a block.

I'm set on a block. I listen. When I didn't tell you not because of, it was a secret. I didn't give a fuck about my wife when I first met her. I dumped on a blocker. I fucked it, dumped on. I met this other chick who was smoking hot. And I dumped on it two seconds.

I remember I called her up, I was like, it's over. Like a month in I was like, I'm out. And she cried and all that, we fucked, fuck, I don't know her. I do know her. But we look at, we remain friends, we were still pals and then we hooked up again. And then it just kept, we kept getting closer and closer on and off and then we moved into L.A. together, she went to L.A. without me. I was in New York, she moved to L.A.

I told her, I go, you know this is the end, you're gonna go meet somebody now. You're gonna meet the guy you dreams in L.A. And get married, we're never gonna, this is it. And she was like, I know. And it was like sad, it was fucking sad. We were friends. And then when she went to L.A., I wound up going out there booking a pilot and I was like sad. It was fucking sad. We were friends. And then when she went to LA,

I wound up going out there booking a pilot and I stayed with her. And then after that, we just moved in together. We got a place together like pals, but then we started falling in love. And then we moved back to New York and we slowly started becoming in love. And she'd be started becoming pretty to me.

And my bullshit and I agree, my fucked up sexual issues had to be dealt with. And when that's got dealt with, when I started going to Allen, is when I now I look at my wife and I'm like, oh my god, I almost let this bitch get away. Are you fucking nuts? Bobby, if she back to my initial point, it's been a wrong hit of my life. I'm gonna suck the kids out of my balls.

Yeah, that rock on the first date for my scream. This bitch wouldn't be my fucking perfect wife today. Oh, so my, whore wife. Ha ha ha ha. My whore wife. All right, you understand? She sucked it on a rock for yogurt, yogurt ice cream.

Mm-hmm. We might not respect you if either way but we definitely won't respect you if you don't give us head you'll never listen you'll never know if that guy who you dating you'll never know if that was the guy you dream because if you suck this dick right he might have his his level of insecurity would have went down and would have opened up to you and so what I I'm saying is sex, it doesn't matter if you're girlable. If you want to suck it, guys, dick suck it. If you don't, don't.

If you do and you're not for, for, to get something, you're an asshole. There's a perfect like, it's almost like a gut feeling. Like I know from, if I'm, but even before I start making that with a guy, I know if I'm blowing him within the hour. Well, I know if I'm not. That's respectable. And it will be a gut feeling. Yeah, I know. I'll be right all over you and gut.

We had a number of different revenue streams when we were that age because we worked at the restaurants, so we had the girls from there. We were in comedy. We had the girls from the club and the female comedians. And then I worked at a bar and at a... I worked with the retarded people and I fuck all the chicks that worked there. Not the retarded girls, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I banged them all. You know, Judd, she had Bobby. I banged them all. All the girls. I remember the one girl, beautiful girl. We were killing it. One of the girls completely broke.

No money to take it anywhere. No money anywhere. Math, I used to take it to my wife. When we first met, she used to take me out She'd be like I want to go to dinner. Yeah, well pay for it And she used to take me everywhere and that times the fucking turned motherfucker Pain a mortgage for this new kitchen You're gonna fuck you got me a fucking bitch you way you way you're out

You're way you look at I took all your way to you got me, you fucking bitch. You way too way out, you way too way, you're like, I should call you a witty, you suck like, 15 years ago and now it's all you, you, you, you, you. First the cock on the rock, and now a new kitchen. That's how it works, man, fucking, I just sound heard, my wife doesn't even cook. We put it with $20,000 kitchen in, and she goes, I made dinner for you tonight, and Ville Picotta or something like that, and I go, I go, she goes, I, I go, you took it in? No, yeah, it's one of the things you come out of the freezer.

And you just heat it up, but it's really good. But I'm gonna cook. She goes, I heated it up. What the fuck is that 20 grand for that shit? My wife is, she cooks like a mother-fucker. Oh my God. Yes, she's right. She's a great cook.

She cooks. She cleans. I tell her, there's nothing better than a Sunday when I'm fucking looking around and she's just cleaning. And I'm just like a slave. And I smell something in the oven. And I'm sitting there in my underwear. I got up at noon, okay, there was breakfast waiting for me.

And I'm watching two different shows on two different channels. And I just look at her and I go, and I'll say say to her there's nothing makes me happier than seeing you slave over me Yeah, but there's nothing hotter than that watching a woman clean. She really is and you work around I mean watching clean. It's not your wife and she's gonna blow you You know silly you know it's so silly though like like when I say right here that I'm like That would make me happy too like if I was like cooking something for him and he was laying there and he said that to me. Yeah.

If I had a guy and he said it to me, I would fucking, I would blow him then. Cause I'd be like, I fucking love you too, you son of a bitch. Well, he also gave you a resident status in the United States. Yeah, we know what you're trying to get there. I'm not having a resident, I don't need that shit. Are you really?

Yeah, yeah. How'd you do that? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I think I'm gonna suck itself, I was gonna welcome you America. Well, I just rolled up my slaves if I have to. I have to suck the girl comics. I guess not. They would like us. You know, fun, it would be going on the road. Bobbi, I know what guys on out there though. Yeah, that's funny.

Here's like, if I knew these fucking two girls right here would just fucking pigs like me, I would fuck, this would be my show. I would fucking pay them most of the money I made. My middle and you guys can switch off MC middle or whatever you want. We get one room suite. Okay. And we just fucking do shows and we've fucking fucking have fun and eat. Oh, sounds like a dream. How long? What's that? How long before there would be turmoil between the two? Three days, I'm not in perfect

Bumped up the bed and hit her head on a How come how come I gotta sell you DVDs Well one of your small All right, listen you guys we gotta start rapping. I said wasn't that crowd weird and she was like no, they were good for me This shows you just make a imaginary Mason like a fucking bitch Imaginary Kelly's oh waitresses and then he stopped at the club. You not allowed to fuck the wait And then he stopped at the club. He not allowed to fuck the way Don't do that. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Who said you can't fuck the wait for so I've been a lot of clubs I've went to like in the late 80s 90s and I never do that

I was in rehab I was I was 15 in the 80s Okay, I'm getting yourself now. We know about me and Florence and you stood to the gigs and we stood days to go You can't the waiters cannot come up. She comes up to your room. We're fire her. Yeah, that's because of you guys. Yeah, because of people like you You ruined it for everybody I was like when you get when you get a new gig and they you can have whatever you want off the menu Yeah, and then you show up a six months later because Ralphie May was there You can only have the comic sense Appetizers

No, the comic menu that's the word should they give you that why don't you just fucking piss on me? Here's the headline a menu, but here's the real head your Has filet man, y'all know Yeah, dude, I you still fuck wait You still but yeah, he's gonna be you're gonna be subtle You're gonna be subtle. I remember I banged away Where'd you just can be scary though? That's a thing you never know which is gonna turn and and you never know she's going to get power you got a big they have power and

you know I probably fucked Mitch Fertel you got a bang on Friday you got a bang on Saturday though you can't bang them on Thursday or Friday or Sunday you know you get a bang them on like a Saturday night you know that between shows yeah when you get in the fuck out of there the next day you know and then that way way you can I gotta go I got a plane. I'm fucking out getting the fuck out You many of them though end up getting like they're in the ear of the booker and too many of them end up being a host And then they end up being that powerful position and then you know you might not come back I'm always like I always Promise I don't give a fuck yeah, are you taking back good?

I mean girls are being addictive Yeah, but you don't understand fuck. Yeah, are you cranking back good? Bobby, girls are vindictive. Yeah, but you don't understand what we're talking about. Headline is, someday when you realize that, yeah, I can't go back to Minnesota. I can't go back to fucking Iowa. I can't go back to fucking Iowa. Last. I had a Iowa. I actually like Minnesota, by the way.

That's a good one. Take that back. Look at me. I turn back it will affect the minnesota i have a lot of fans in minnesota actually unsurprisingly they don't go to my shows when i do there but i have a lot of fans in minnesota anyways rob

reppenbar believey yes sir thank you so much thank you man it's good to see you that's just up and bringing them down no problem back on again i got a common I love you buddy Fucking love you Kelly. Jack Kelly. That's me I have the answer to the octopus question if you still want it. I don't want to break momentum I can't say the word oh my dyslexia titanium It's a can you read that Gary from there? No, let her read it No, I wasn't fainted in his class,

but before I fainted, I farted, and the last thing I remember was somebody goes, oh, what's that smell? And then I woke up and my head was on somebody's pocketbook. Are you sure you want to put that in my mouth? Someone draped and then daked back to going to it. What type of octopus is the one that they use at undersea carnivals that

Right they act like the tilt the world You are Cock I do not want to date Gary I do not want to date Gary Sorry You see now I'm gonna ignore you motherfucker. No, but he's entertaining because he changes Yeah, you change this up like he can talk about anything and it ends right away and he goes on the story So it's always gonna be entertaining very small. You know what I mean really I think you guys make a cue couple Give it a make

You can't you can't you like 5 10 I'm, it's very tall. And she's got big boobs. I do. I have big boobs. Yeah, she does. You can't see them in the live thing. Look, those are good. I'll take a photo of them for everyone. Oh, no.

Kelly, what do we got? What do we got? What do we got? Follow me on Twitter, K-E-L-O-I-F-A-S-T-U-C-A, and I've got a website now. And I think we might have something special next week. We might talk about something we were talking about, maybe possibly finding me a boy.

Oh. I don't know. No, we're working this out. It's coming up. We're going to try to do some type of contest or thing on the show where Kelly's getting a lot of guys. A lot of dick getting thrown out of it. Well, let's classify. if Dan's getting any push,

it's good push, it's like beautiful. The stuff that's coming to me is lovely, but it's divorced father or two, which is lovely, and it's fine. Pass them over more. Yeah, it's divorced. Yeah, like I said to you, you're in your 30s, so, you know what I mean?

That's just kind of where you're at. What do you want to fucking dance out or a kid on the up? I'm having a daddy. Oh man. Oh boy. Here's in the old Kelly. Well, we're going to try to find somebody. Me and Dan are going to go through them.

You're going to have to go through our test. You're going to have to go through our rigging barot. And we're going to vet them and find a guy for you to go on a date with. And I'm gonna pay for the date. No, this is what I think. That's cool. Don't pay for the date.

I think that he has to show me some. Yeah, but who would have gone on a date with me? Yeah, he would have gone on a date. I don't know how fun it fucking Chipotle. Which is lovely. I'm gonna send you one at a time. No, but you don't like okay, all right, so here you go if if the date goes well Then we'll pay for the second that's what I mean. Yeah, I was even thinking that

You pick a guy and damn picks a guy and then whoever wins out of your pick and his pick they get the paid day Because you that but that way they you two are battling it out so you have to you have to go on two days Yeah, so have it gets yeah, whoever gets blown first I will yeah, I'll be the biggest I will preach from the mountain talk She wants of suck this cock and they get married and they have kids that she's happily ever after and we proved general that she's happily ever after and we proved general that would be the best 9 fucking days. I told him to go fuck himself for about a second. I said you're gonna kiss on the cheek and that's it. I'm from Staten Island. I with

Spank's mouth. So you can't touch my pussy. At the Denny's White Trist. I'm gonna get them out of here. Lizard. All right. So that's we're working this out. We're working this out. Dan, what's up? May 31st through June 2nd, it'll be at comics with Foxwoods. It's gonna be a hud show. First headline gig. Yeah, first weekend headlion.

That's gonna be a good one. A fucking love it, darling. Love it. I'm gonna be at the Kansas City Improv this week. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Yep. Thanks. Because I've been to the premise.

Fucking Kansas City. Go to Robert Kelly Live.com for all my dates. I got a new website coming out. Make sure you download my award-winning comedy app. I did. I did. I did. And I love it.

I'm really impressed. I'm like jealous because there's a lot of stuff on their videos and podcasts. And calendar is really cool. We get the podcast on there. Streams right to your phone. There's a lot of stuff on their videos and podcasts and calendars. It's really cool. We will not you get the podcast on there. Our streams right to your phone. We got videos for the podcast that we took some today that we're actually going to get

up there and all kinds of shit. So make sure you get that. Make sure Jen, what do you got? Oh, what? What do you got? I was going like this. June 1st, I am a new hamster. The blue mermaid.

And I'm like, I am. I was going like this. June 1st, I am a new hamster at the blue mermaid. And I'm like, oh, I am. I'm fucking. No. I'm just sitting. Excuse me, is it for someone bringing me in and paying for? I think it's fucking awesome. Whatever. And you know what, Thursday, you know who I'm hosting for?

Jim Florentine and fucking Don Jamison. That's great. I just worked with Florent, John Jamison. So, fuck. I love, I'm a good fan of Don Jamison. He's a really good dude. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love I'm gonna go to the fan that Don Jamison did. I love dancing and flaunting. Whatever, come over.

I can't work at a mermaid with Blue Mermaid. Blue Mermaid, can I take it? That's what I call my asshole what it fucking came out of itself. Patalica. Anyway, that's good. I just laughed.

You don't know why I laughed because you're typical broad. You made it about you. I laughed if you said why you laughing because I Worked the Hampshire and the white stallion and a lot of the gigs in New Hampshire are at these fucking crazy names Like the blue mermaid of the white stallion. That's why I was fucking laughing. It wasn't about your shitty career It was about the name is a name of the fucking thing. I played at the smiling news I call you honey. I swear to God because you do the same shit my fucking wife cuz you jumped a gun

Jen yes, you jumped a god. This is why I'm single I'd love to fucking know joking. I'll be working with Mick Foley coming up really a couple of years Yeah, he's really funny man and then I'm going to South Carolina. He really is I'm not saying this I'm not saying this to say it. He's fucking funny. Stand up funny Santa funny. Yes, he he he gets the crowd laughing. They love him. He and he's fucking Automatically he's not funny that you said that what he gets the crowd laughing the crowd laughing That's what they say about an actor. That's what they said about man. He's got good material But he does a great job. I'm telling you and it's great. I love look. I'm a big fan of McFly. Yeah. I'm a fan of fucking McFly from wrestling

Yeah, I'm a fan of all the stuff he does and I think he is a funny guy So he's a really bright guy read his book. Yeah, he's yeah, he's a brilliant guy. He's got two best Belts best spelling I gave it say best best sellers. Yeah, and it's great and follow me at the rev of Bob Levy and I'll definitely post this. What's yours? The house of Vaughn. The house of Vaughn. I'm gonna change it, I changed my website. I'm gonna go to the house of Vaughn by the way. Yeah, I think it's sexy. Don't change that. The blue mermaid. The blue mermaid. It doesn't matter. House of Vaughn is cool. It's interesting. People go, why do that then you have a story you keep going?

Fuck a fat fuck. Hey, I thought I fucking apologize I'm better today. Okay, we got all kinds of sponsors. We got to thank really quick These are the unofficial sponsors unofficial sponsors of the show laugh button live We love you laughspin magazine online. We fucking big supporter of the show. I want to thank the comedy awards for putting me at my award up there and all the fans for voting. I want to thank GoRunner.com. You guys want a band-a-lear. You love walking. You want to fucking get your sexiest man per sever. GoRunner.com. I love my band-a-lear. Kelly, you love yours? I run with mine now. Norton has his.

I was there when you talked to me into that. Remember the guy, how crazy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. Make sure you go to there. If you have any questions about it, you can email me at ykwd at riotcast.com. Adamineve.com.

Yay. A sponsor of the show. Oh, right. So make sure you go to Adamineve. The plug's in there already, but make sure you go to Adamineve.com. And you're supporting the show sure you go to Adam and Eve, the plugs in there already, but make sure you go to Adam and Eve.com You're supporting the show when you go and you purchase stuff off the website with the code Riot when you check out Riot You also get 50% off any first item. You get a free item. You get three free DVDs and you get a free shipping You get free shipping. So you're gonna get all that shit for free

which we hooked up you're gonna get a great deal to get your little vibrator your juice so your flashlight that you can fuck yeah which is great what about your cock ring you get a con ring too get whatever you want to get to them one two three you get a half on not one but you can't agree anyone ever anyone ever used a flashlight here? Not me. No, no. No, but I've been, no, no. No, no. I gotta give credit to Adam and Eve, because they are on the cutting edge of advertising,

because they're on some other podcast, and it's a brilliant way to connect with people who get it. Yes. Yeah, they do. They do get it. So make sure, and your show and support by going there for the show and you're getting good stuff. That's how you can rationalize buying something that maybe you don't need sexually.

Yeah, make sure you go to the merch page. I'm doing the right thing with this coquering. Yeah, put on on my friends. What are you doing? Support it before I suck it. Make sure you go to the merch page riotcast.com. We got Gated Fight T-shirts. We got the brand new YKWD shirt. Brand new, it's up there. The old ones gone, the new ones up there. We have the gig posters, we have a few left. We have coffee mugs. You know what, dude?

Boom, I got my coffee, dude. And we got dangerous Joe shirts, a few left. And we have a new, we're trying to get a, you guys out there, we're trying to get a fat Kelly shirt. I'm working on it. I'm so excited. We got back the best thing ever. Because our tuners from Germany back

is working on something special. I got to send them the photos of Kelly and their fat face. Make sure they, there's a lot of this. We get a lot of people's sponsor in the show. Yow's are fitness, man. Go to Yowzer fitness I bought my treadmill from them the best folding treadmill out there

It takes up no space why it folds up straight up in the air even even off the air This guy has been bragging about this treadmill Yeah, and I'm saying to myself to myself. I'm saying enough with the fucking treadmill. We get it You got a treadmill? It's gonna go straight up. It's It's straight up. You don't get it He's amazed by that Yeah, you know why because I've been looking for a treadmill for a long time and what's up Liz come on in hey come on Who is that bring your husband in?

We'll just wrap in this up. I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a husband. I'm sorry Sorry for the way I've been treated I'm sorry. Sorry for the way I've been treated Lizz the man Tell her I'm always I'm just kidding. I'm always telling them always nice. He's tough Tell them the manager of the comedy seller. Hi, buddy. I fuck your dad your husband I didn't know that you fat fuck why did you not talking to you dude? I'm not talking to you dude. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Liz, get over here.

Who won the Yankees? First of all, your wife is amazing, okay? I'm made, yeah, but I didn't know that was your wife. She is one of my new favorite people on the planet. Yeah, and if I knew that was your husband, we could have had so much more fun. I don't know, I just love him too. I love both of you. I love both of you separately. Now that I know you together, it makes me sick.

What's his name? I'm guessing an Angelo. I'm going to say Vito, Tony. First of all, we got Angelo. Wait a minute. Don't say it. She just said, she just said it. Fuck a game over. You know, go to the podcast. Come on in. We stop standing here because my neck hurts come in sit down sit down. We're wrapping it up We'll close it it up. You can a miss out come in leave calm get the fuck over here. All right anyways Yeah, I was a fitness. I'm not fucking I'm not begging you to come in you can stand there and watch like ghosts Yeah, I was a fitness calm if you're a fat fuck and you can't make it to the gym,

if you have a hard time like me, and you wanna get motivated, you gotta have it at your house. You gotta be able to work out at two in the afternoon, at fucking one in the morning, at five a.m., you gotta have it right there. And this thing folds up and folds down by itself. You don't have to pick it up, it's automatic,

and it's like a non-folding treadmill, the way they built it. It's one piece, you can plug your iPad into it. It's very affordable, here's the other thing, people say, but how much does it cost? How much is your life worth, God? I'm joking. I'm not even joking, you are saving your life with this. The more I hear on these other podcasts and reading,

you gotta move around. You gotta get that heart rate going. Here's a deal, I worked out on it. I'm so glad I got this thing. I've worked out every day this week because of this. It's been in the house. I worked out twice. Really?

We're about three minutes away from getting totally QVC on this fuck. What you want? How many do you have left? I've left. Do you know that's my mother's internet? She watches all day long. She watches QVC. That's my point. And the thing She watches all day long, she watches QVC.

That's my point. And the thing she always says, well, it's QVC, it's gotta be good. Yeah. All right, listen. Hey, Dan, do the QVC for Yowza Fitness. Right now, Yowza Fitness, we got a special for you. Call in right now, we've got six left, six left.

And you know what we're gonna do? Robert, we're gonna get real weird. We're gonna get 75% off right now. You're calling right now. So how much is it? Right now, it's at the affordable price of 325. 325 or yeah, just $90,000. That's a big $20,000.

That's not true at all. That was all for t-shirts. They do, $1,000 is the lowest trade mill they have. That's a great deal. But it's actually, is your life worth $1,000? And financing. Wow. So it's like, you can finance it.

So it's free. So it's actually free. Yeah, it's actually fine. It's fine. Financing don't pay back. It's fine. Get it. And then move out of this.

We're okay. When you move all the way, move to France. You you thin bread look at it and don't pay for nothing all right We're out here. This is it you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you, man. Thank you for coming down rob Gary Kelly And dad, I love you man you guys are great. You know what I'm doing? You know what I'm doing? I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I miss my heart so I Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea.

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