Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Brendan Sagalow, Mike Feeney "Ladder Puller"

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

This week YKWD we're joined by Brendan Sagalow and Mike Feeney as we get into traffic etiquette, not being distracted by others success, and the bomb bandana is back with a vengeance! https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly Bonus Episode, YKWD Overtime, LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. ¿Dónde nadie pregunta, ¿dónde viene? ¿Si no, por qué no te viene? Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos lia. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos.

Encuentra en los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos lia. Un número de mao, a Madrid. Informa tencaishabank.es. Caishabank, tu y yo, nosotros. Siempre que se mantenga las de erconstancia económico financieras del solicitante en el momento de la solicitud. Buscas contenido gratis. I wanna be see. Pluto TV es el servicio de streaming gratuito con series como South Park o sensación de vivir.

Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. back again. Old school back in the day. We're all starting before them all. I'm being right. Why can't I use this? Podcast is so fun and crazy. And there's no rules. Shut up! You're ruining this! Work the program, I'm sorry. It's a comedy podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original, original. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what dude back again live from the comedy sell laugh button studios above the great famous holy shit not everybody's past year seller. And.

Yeah it's cuz i'm doing the intro i wanna thank all the patreon members for being a member. If you're not a member you're watching this on you to. Yeah go there patreon.com slash rubber Kelly and make sure if you are watching this on YouTube one thing you need to do hit subscribe hit like and then leave a comment. I don't give a shit what you say tell us what you think tell us who you want to show tell us fucking anything. I'm not reading them, but I just want to get in the fucking rhythms the Alga the rhythms the matrix. Yeah, I want to be in the fucking I want to be in the fucking I would have been the who I want to be in I want to be in the fucking Rogan Matrix I'll fucking take I'll I'll take Sam Tripoli I'll take fucking Chris Delia. I'll take any of those other hot motherfuckers that I don't think you would take Chris Delia

Why not gonna fight? I mean what his career anyways? We have we have good show today. Two of my favorites, we haven't been on a long time. We're on without me, but now we're on with me, which I think they're better. I think they're better. We were not on without you. I'll only do the show if you're here.

Yeah. I don't do any podcast or anything in the room. Oh, that was canon. I was canon. I always lump you three together as one comic. It's a terrible, terrible mistake. You are a lump I hope you get one Be smart to notice I've had like lumps from on my armpit. You ever do that?

That's breast cancer I ate it out. I ate it out of it. I made my body bigger. Yeah. And I feel the lumps. If you haven't figured it out, it's Brendan Sagalow and Mike Fini. Or as I call him Luke Fini, he still in my phone as well.

Yeah. That's fine. I will say this, we'll never get over the fact that Sagalow's in the intro song. I love that. That line, because you said it to get into the intro. And then the fact that he was rewarded

by a try hard method. It's not a try hard. The first of all, squeaky wheel gets the grease. Second all, maybe you should start to throw it in that way. You also get the fried chicken. I tried the potato chips. All the grease.

You get everything that's in the bowl. The high-re, all the grease We'll do the grease Maybe you just got to start saying shit that could get you get you into the end I'm gonna talk in catchphrases now to get on the show. Let's try a bunga That makes it to That would be awesome. Yeah, that didn't please yeah Just right at the end. I'll do it. Yeah do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do every step of the way. TikTok, Twitter, I mean, little shorts, big shorts. Hey, guys, you all laughed.

You all laughed when I talked about TikTok. It was a real joke to some of you. And now every one of you fucks her on it. I'm just furious that I don't do well on that. Every time I put up a clip, it's just like one teenager calling me gay. It represents the masses. Stop putting clips of you rubbing down Fini.

Oh, zip zip. That's going in the intro. Yeah. Dan and I know. I had this better be in the intro. That was just Dan and I to tell Kaka Kaka. Kaka Kaka. I hate, dude, I had I I got back from the greatest weekend ever.

I had such a blast in Tampa, such a blast. And I get back and I have to hit, I mean, I'm, I'm running. Come back. I got to fix the door. We got to go to Jiu-Jitsu. We got to go get something to eat. I got to go do a podcast at night with the Cocter and Kelly thing. Then we got to go in.

We got to do homework. we got to do it. I finally get to bed, I wake up this morning and she's like, you got to, the door has to be fixed again. And then she had this box that she did for the school thing and I put it in the back of my truck, but I put it the wrong way and it wasn't closed. So when she drove down the fucking lid flew off and she calls me up the lid fill up. I don't know where it is. So I'm like, now I gotta go get the fucking lid.

Find the lid on the road to school. I find it. She's pulling over. I go, I can do this, I can do that, I can do that and she's just staring at me because my wife, you know, I make shit quick. Let's go, let's talk it out. Yes or no.

And she's like, and I'm like, say something. She's like, I'm thinking, think quicker. I'm the shitting. So then I gotta go home, and I gotta cut up a yoga mat and make hinges and screw them into the thing. And then, wow, why are you cutting up a yoga mat? Because if you need to make a hinge, like the thing flew off so the little locks, the plastic things that kept the lid on broke off. So they didn't, now it had, it just had no, had no hinge on it. It's a cheap plastic bin that keeps stuff, right? For the school that she bought. So I had to make a hinge so the door would open and stay on. So it didn't just blow off, right?

So I got a yoga mat and I put it three of them on the back and I screwed them into it. So it's a hinge. Oh, I would never do that. Like a piece of leather. Like you could make a door with a piece of leather. Like, now this is a very, I think, millennial observation, I'm just saying here, but it seems to me that there is a lot of your time

that you seem very stretched, very thin, except for the physical, but I use your, your stretch very thing. Wouldn't it be more worth it? Fuck. Wouldn't it be more worth it to pay someone else to do it and save you the time? Isn't it in the resources that you have to do to get yoga mats to cut them up to measure it?

Is it more worth it just to pay somebody? How much do you pay something? I said to her, let's just get a new bin. Yeah. Yeah, $200. Just buy it. I got it off a wave. You know, every time I say something, there's an answer. There's a road that I have to go down. Yeah.

So I just said, I'm going to fix it and I fixed it. And then I put a bungee cord on it so it opens and stays open, but doesn't open all the way. I mean, you know, whatever I fixed it, but then I got to go drain out the pool. Right. The pool has to be drained out. So then I got to go undo the hose. That's, but it's just one thing. So whatever it all gets done I go I got to go. I'm late. I got to go. I get down here. I got to cut over to the left There's like this thing road where you come off, but you got to get over quick. I try to get over quick this Jaguar. Oh

Jaguar Jaguar Uh-huh. I can do a good Jaguar impression. Go ahead. Uh-huh. Wow Jaguar. I can do a good Jaguar impression. Go ahead. Wow. Was that a good answer? That's a good answer. Wow.

Can you do that again? Wow. You're just a guy. That's just patina saying wow. Wow. That's not Jaguar. It sounds like a mountain lion or a Jaguar. Yeah.

That was great. That was great. That was great. That was great. I was doing that again. I could never. Ah. Ah. You're just saying wow.

Over and over again. It's a very impressed Jaguar. You sound like a real foul at a fucking 13 year old strip club. Ah. Ah. Ah. You're a pedophile in Thailand. Hey, yeah, just punch up my own joke.

Good. Thanks. So you get the jackpot. I gotta go to pull over. He speeds up. I fuck you. You don't cut me off. Yeah, but I cut him off in a Honda CRV.

Well, that's the best part about having a less, you know, superior car. Like he's in this expensive car. If you just go, hey, I'm coming in. What if they don't want to get their car ruined? He almost did. Really? Then he was, I had to go to the next lane.

He tried to zip around me and I cut him off again. Of that. I bitched him out again. Damn. But I wasn't trying to, I had to get over there. Yeah. It's like, dude, I gotta go over here because I gotta take this fucking left, you, you Jagawa. Then he pulls up, he's got tentative windows.

You know what that means. Drug dealer. No, yes. Uh, yeah. What does that mean? Oh, it does, you're right. Well, let's say, if you have tentative windows, you're a fucking, either a drug dealer, or you're an idiot.

Yeah. If you're a regular guy and you get illegal tint on your toes, if you can't see intent, that's a real douche move. Yeah. What's the point of that? Because you're a douche. Yeah. To be cool.

Yeah, you want to pull up to your friends and roll down. You're going to go, it's me. I do that. That's what I used to do when I was like, when I've got my first car, it was like you get that you go, you go, what's the maximum amount of tint I can do before it's legal and then go, give me one shade darker. I don't know what I want to do. So, douche move.

He pulls up and he's got his tint. And then he zings in front of me because I'm in the Honda CRV. It's a touring, by the way. It's the top. There's no expense. It's the top. So, touring.

And he zooms in front of me and locks his brakes up. And I'm like, I don't care anymore. I just need to be in this lane. This is huge. Oh no, I'm screaming at the top of my lawn. Yeah. Yeah.

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just recreation of the story through the eyes that you hoped you were doing buddy. We're all human. Yeah, we're all trying to get some fucking pointed as an empath I decided And then I shook some some rosary beads at him Where from? Who the fucking Hancock up give it from? We know who the fucking Hancock. Up, give it back. Oh, damn, short lived. Oh, it's more of a fucking flat tie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bad joke.

Yeah, yeah, there you go. I'm hard to tell Joe. Take it back. Could you not fucking, what are you? Fucking Indiana Jones with my eye. Easy, Indy. So he pulls it front me short round. He pulls in front of me. You just fake laugh.

No, that was a real laugh. Yeah, that's a great. That was a fake laugh. Okay. So he pulls in front of me, locks his brakes up. And I'm just like, I'm like, I don't care. Good for you. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, good job. You're doing good. You're good. You're in front now. Yeah. Good for you. And I just a guy in my mouth. I must like, good job. You're doing good. You're in front now. I'm good for you. And I just a guy in my mouth. I must look like a maniac. But then I was yelling back of what but I couldn't see him, but I assumed he was yelling back or something. And then I flick my windshield wipers on. I don't know how to get my wife's windshield. It's just like me. Some fucking chubby bald guy in a Honda C.I.V. with the windshield. Zing, Zing.

Yeah, but don't see you changing levers trying to. I was so embarrassed. I'm like, I'm yelling at it. Sick. Yeah. I will say though, he, I with the cigar is not somebody I'd want to pick a fight with. No, of course not. I did you have the window open? Yeah.

Cause window windows rolled up. Yeah. Smoker is the most terrifying person you'll ever come across. Someone who's, even if it's just a cigarette, just window up smoking. You're like, man, that guy's got nothing to lose. Yeah. Guys, spend a lot of time kind of casino.

Not good. Yeah. Yeah. Track. Yeah. Yeah. No, he fucking asshole. And then he pushed out, you know, whatever, he just took off, like to show me his speed

and the Jaguar. Yeah, to speed up to the next red light. And then, and then I get into the city and there's a fucking stupid Tesla, the safest car on the world drives itself. Won't let you get into an accident smashed into some, you gondon Uber driver in a fucking Toyota camera. Oh no. Poor guy, I probably should.

Who do you even argue when the car drives itself? Who do you argue with? Start yelling at the car. Are you being serious? No, I'm joking. Oh cool, they take that. Jokes are hard. Jokes are hard.

They take that. They go, Jokes are hard. That's the second time he's had that. Well, it's true. Um, so then I had a way for that, and then I get all the way to fuck down here. I'm like, okay, I's a hard. That's the second time he's not that. Well, it's true. So then I had a way for that and then I get all the way to the fuck down here. I'm like, okay, I keep my cool. Go to the part, just pull in the,

full. It starts yelling at me. Guys, I know, full full. I go, yo dude, I'm with the, I come in all the time. And he goes to the guy, the other guy. And I'm like, we got no, and I'm like, okay. I back out, it's like good.

This isn't, this isn't, this is a garage. This isn't, you know what I mean? You're not, you're not fucking Del Frisco's. Yeah, chill. You're an empty space. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I back out and I got a spot, but you know,

and then my card wouldn't work. So fucking nightmare. Oh, nightmare. Nightmare, but here I am. We're here. We seem very calm, which I... Well, you came in like a bad out of hell. I, well, I actually had to walk upstairs.

Yeah. A fat out of hell. Yeah. Well, I felt like Meatloaf got the reference across, but I liked the part. Yeah. There you go. I was like, I was really disappointed

that you didn't laugh at that. Are we recording? Yeah. Well was like, I was really disappointed that you didn't laugh at that. Are we recording? Yeah. Well, yeah, thank God. I just wanna get that sound for room tone. Yeah, for the intro. Yeah. Room tone.

Yeah, if we ever do an independent film, man. Oh, I got it. Yeah, 30 seconds. The silence, go ahead, Brennan, start talking. Zach, let's say something you think is funny. Yeah. But anyways, Brennan. Exactly. Let's say something you think is funny. But anyways, there you go. I, and I got to, I got to do this and then I got to go back up and I got, I got to finish

the back up and then you're coming back down for spots? Uh, no, no spot today. No, I thought I had a spot today, but I don't. So which works out, but I do have to leave tomorrow. I have to drive to fucking the Hampshire to go check out my land. Oh, I forgot you and drop off a check for that dude. You got that little mini thing, right? The mini house thing. It's not called a mini house. Sorry. I mean mall piece. So mini is is bigger than tiny

No, mini is not bigger than tiny. What? Mini is mini. Yeah, mini, it goes mini, tiny. You're out of your mind, dude. Small. Tiny. First of all, go small, tiny mini. No, no, it goes small. Small, mini, like here's a water, and then there's a mini water, and then if it was just

a shot glass of water, it'd be a tiny little thing of water. Just because you say tiny, tiny. Yeah, they say tiny. Just because I sold you both on it, he's like, right, yeah, I've found this work. Yeah, you know what I got. Yeah, they say. Just because I sold you both on it means that right. Yeah, I've found this work. Yeah, I know. Yeah, man. Because he's saying,

teeny little thing. I could do that. Let me try to say there's a regular bottle of water. Then there's a tiny bottle water. And then there's a little mini tiny bottle of beer. He said, mini. Yeah, you know what? He's right.

I give up. Because tiny is always follows teeny. And there's no many. I would be small. You would be mini and you'd be tiny in penises. I'll whip them out right now. I don't think so. You got a big dick.

I have an average size. Let's move on. I don't know. But he's got the big balls that kind of huge balls. I don't want to talk about any of this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see. Me neither.

What a refreshing thing. Yeah. Three guys that don't have to talk about their dicks. Yeah, yeah. Emil, what wouldn't the woman, the women's comedy can you be proud of? Yeah, yeah. Well, apparently we're the last three

non-sexual assaulters in comedy. So that's kind of fun too. I think I'm too, I think I'm grandfathered in. Yeah, yeah. Any pre-internet assaults or kind of. I think I'm, all the stuff with down me and Keith like, dude, what are you gonna do? Yeah, I'm waiting. I got a house up in Jersey. I'm gonna. Yeah, me and a bunch of the jer-ville comics are gonna. Yeah, it's

ain't got nothing on it. It's tough. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Life is hard. No, it's weird right now too because saying things stop saying blank is hard things are hard. What's hard? It's being in the dicks. Am I right? Right folks. We know where that bend in is Replaces it Replay. Yeah, how are you doing really? Fine. Yeah, yeah, I like we talked to our, do you want doing well? Your cup is dripping. What are you talking about? The lid that you have open for some reason is dripping.

Oh, no. What a fucking little rat. What the fuck, man? We almost, I almost, I was looking out for the studio that's new. I literally asked him, like, how you feeling last time I talked you go, and you went, oh, you're, you're lit is dripping. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, if we have to get, and you went, oh, you lit his drip. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, if we have to get into another one of these conversations, how are you mentally Brendan? How are you doing?

How's all the adversity treating you? I'm sorry, no one asks you that. Yeah, maybe ask. Quonson a while. How are you? Great. Thanks for asking. You don't have that problem.

Is that the illusion that I've created? Yes, I've curated. I said, Aaron for asking. You don't have any problem. Is that the illusion that I've created? Yes, I've created. Is that an air in mustache? Yes. I see right through. That's exactly what you've created. Phoenix got a ton of problems. Name two.

Well, you married, you have a dog, you have a nice place. I think I would, I think it's all the problems. Yeah, Brennan's like, I want to be alone and squalor. Yeah. What, you have no problems with. Oh, you have a nice little deck that you go out on your barbecue. It's a good place. Well, let me come over barbecue.

That'll, where is it? It happened. Where is it? It doesn't matter because whatever I say, you're going to say I'm not sure to go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I would come to a story.

You would? No, we just filmed. No, we just, we just filmed the movie over there. Yeah, but that's a nice movie over there. You can find the movie. Oh, with the guy. We defolking gay. I thought it was, I thought you guys filmed upstate.

Hey, you weren't supposed to talk about the gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy, I just did that thing at that place with the gay. Yeah. I want to be in a movie. I would love to be in a movie. There's a problem. I want to be in a movie.

I have only my friends and closest confidants were in movies. I would just like to work downstairs. As like a waiter? I just need some sort of income, I need anything. Yeah. I wanna fill out. Did you picture Brendan as a waiter though? I'm not.

I'm not. I'm like, oh, you ordered the falafel, right? Fuck dude, fuck! All right, I'll be right back. I'm gonna be like, oh. Why are there only four fries on my plate? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why does the server text smell like weed?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I know, I mean, there is something I was talking, who was I talking, I think Vos I was talking about. I have so much responsibility now that I have a child and a house and a like a beautiful a beautiful life I love my life But like you wake up when I get home off the plane You know

There's just a lot of shit to do. There's no there's no downtime. There's no doubt like it's not like when you're single Like I remember being single or even just being on my check and having an apartment I just had to make the 2200 a month, rent in the car note, and then some food here and there. And she worked, we didn't have, do you miss it? I used to come home and sleep, like I would sleep all day. There was no podcast, there was no social media. But that's the question.

When did you gigs? And the club really put out the money for radio and promotion and you didn't get penalized for that. Now, I mean, you, they, they want you to pay for promotions. Yeah. And sell it out. They want you to sell it out and they want to take some clubs are like, you know, three grand five grand.

Some of them want like seven. Yeah. Like, that was supposed to post two Instagrams and a tweet. Well, they, no, they, they're, no,, three grand, five grand. Some of them want like seven. Yeah. Like that was supposed to post two Instagrams and a tweet. Well, they know they have, they're, no, because they're, they're doing it. And it's like, dude, your Instagram has 117 followers. You're not, yeah. You're not taking a thousand dollars

and putting it into, there's no way. Yeah. Cause you would have hundreds of hits. So it's, but now with that said, do you, because what you're saying is giving me anxiety in terms of ever having a kid thinking about the lack of downtime. But knowing that the downtime that you don't have anymore is filled with, you know, stuff for max and stuff for your wife and stuff, are you okay with the lack of downtime because of how much you love your kid and stuff?

Or do you go like, I wish I still had the downtime? Well, it's getting different now because he's getting older. So now there's football, soccer, school, friends, yeah, jiu-jitsu. And then you add in apple picking and Halloween and fucking going to, you know, hike, you had all the other stuff that was in before. So there's a lot more to do.

So it's a different, my life is, when you have a kid, dude, let me tell you something. I came home yesterday and he lit up, right? And he's like, dead. And he runs in and he gets a fuck and nerf gun. I got him this automatic crazy nerf gun. And he just fucking flap, flap right in my neck. He heard it slap it hit me so flush. And when it's slap, slap, and I went, and he starts cracking.

I was like, Dad, I'm sorry. I mean, you know, and then we go to Jiu-Jitsu and I'm seeing him rolled one of the, you know, these top Gracie Jiu-Jitsu guys at Igor Gracie. I'm like, fuck, and then we go for a dinner. That sounds awesome. Then we come home. Yeah, it's awesome.

So it's worth it. The trade off is worth it. Let me tell you something. Sitting on the couch with my kid last night, like talking about what he's looking at on his iPad, and I'm looking on my phone on Facebook, and we're kind of going, look at this, look at that. And then he goes to bed,

and he comes and gives me a big fat wet, where he tries to sneak into my bed. Like, you're going to your bed, and he's jumping, he comes, he goes, just give me a kiss. I just want it, and he jumps in, and he gets out of the covers, and I got a fucking throw him out of my bed.

Yeah. Yes. And then my wife comes in, and then we go the covers that I got a fucking throw on my back. Yes. And then my wife comes in and then we go out and we hang out a little bit outside and get some tea and yes, 100% worth it. It's just a, it's, it's, it's a lot. And it's not even like I'm complaining like, what the fuck? That's why I hate like rich, you know, I know rich people and they're like, oh, it's tough.

Is it tough with a night, nanny? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Is it tough with a live-in fucking nanny? Is it tough? Is it really tough with fucking? Anything happened?

You just hire Sal. Yeah. He falls Sal and he comes over and fixes the lid, empties the pool, fix it. I mean, you know, I have, he goes on the roof and does, I don't have that. Right. It just seems, it seems like, like you said, that it, it seems more, and also not having all that downtime is also great because your mind isn't wandering. You're not scrolling social media going, look what this person's doing. Look what this person's doing. Why aren't I doing this?

I have so much time. My mind wanders, dude. Yeah, you got it. You guys, you can't look at social media though. You can't. You can't look at social media though. It is the only thing that is currency in this business and it's the only thing that matters. But you can't look at it. You can't look.

Okay, I find myself what I've been doing lately. I be scrolling. It's a feeling and it's overwhelming. So I'm happy. I wake up and I, for some reason I would turn my phone on and go to Instagram. Yeah. And I'd start scrolling.

Still in bed. Start scrolling. And then all of a sudden I would feel a pit in my stomach. Immediate sadness and, and I'm like, oh, I'm comparing. I'm envious. I'm just, so I just lit off all these fucking terrible, stupid things in my brain. And I just shut the phone off and I go, it's just horseshit. And then I go in the other room and my kids there and I'm blah, blah, blah.

But he's like, Dad, have you seen what Louie's doing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can we go to Louie's show? Kevin Hart's my favorite. It doesn't bird have a boat. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it is a bad thing to look at. I tend to, I tend to look at things I want to learn about, right? Like fly fishing or camping or whatever, or I watch soprano clips, or I don't look at other people's stuff. I can't. No, it's awful. I mean, I'm not,

because I'm not, I'm telling you right now, I'm not really, I don't hate those people. I'm actually happy for all these people. Even the people that, like I don't even know that are doing amazing, like for all these people. Even the people that, like, I don't even know that are doing amazing.

Like, you look at them like, good for you, man. Yeah, like fucking. We had this exact conversation yesterday, but I felt that way where I'm like, good for this person who's doing a ridiculously great thing and they're doing a crazy, they're like gonna start playing theaters. And you're like, that's fucking awesome for somebody

that, you know, I started with the Creek and the Cave, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all fat. But no, but I'm saying I was happy for the Brendan was like, I'm not happy for anybody. He said, I'm not happy for anyone. Yeah, at that time I felt that way. I still kind of do. It was yesterday, so it wasn't that long ago.

What do you mean at the time? That's because Brendan, the chain. Brendan's just a fat shit. Yeah. Yeah, was that a bomb? I don't know. Yeah, I think it was just a fact. I don't know if it was a joke attempt.

I needed that. Yeah, I didn't think my glass. You tried a bomb just so you can get the ready. Yeah. It's like, it's like, I know. I know, okay. Well, I think there is fucking, because sometimes, you know, you catch me on a day where I'm not feeling

so good and then you're like, well, fucking cool is that It's cool and I go I have no money. I don't give a fuck about these people that are doing better than me That's not your competition today. Let him rant. Let him rant. Let him get it out today. Yes Today, I feel a little different if you if you hit me with whatever someone's doing this I got all right cool. I should have known your mood before I texted you no, but you should unders Wow, you should understand. Wow. You should understand.

Yeah. 22 years of marriage right here. Yeah. Uh, you should, you know, it's, I don't know. I don't know. Please don't. Please don't. Please don't.

That should be at the end. Please don't. No, you know why the act out bugged me? 22 years of marriage right here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're trying to do a cat skills comic, all of a sudden. I'm just saying, sometimes I don't give a fuck.

I don't care about the people that are doing better than me. But it's never, it'd be one thing if I texted you being like, dude, can you fucking believe this piece of shit to sell it out this? I hate that too. But I like spreading positivity, because it's also, I look at it as a way of being like, look how far they are now and think about how

how not far they were just a few years ago. That can happen to any of us. And it can happen to you and blah blah blah but at the time I don't give a shit. It's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen to me, which is why I'm freaking the fuck out. But it's okay. Listen, what's gonna. It's not okay. What a... What. What's okay? What? What? What?

What? You have to go get yours. Whatever you're trying. And see, I'm trying to get mine, but no one's giving me mine. How can I eat if I am not provided food? No. No. Mine how can I eat if I am not provided food

What but you did a stand like you can't me and boss were talking about this because There's a lot of people kind of doing what he does or what he did You know what I mean back back in the day He used to be the guy sit down and fuck with the crowd going and out of jokes And he that was like his thing, but it's like yeah, dude It was and now all the people have taken that thrown over and that's what they're doing and also It's like The mechanism is changed. Oh, yeah when we were I go vast when we were big and fuck it There was no

Patreon there was no Patreon, there was no podcasts, there was no, all that shit was right, we had my space, there was no Twitter, there was nothing. You went in and you did a radio show, comedy was America and Canada and a little bit of the UK because of Netflix and Hulu and comedy's worldwide. Everybody sees stand-up comedy now and has their people or whoever we're there from doing stand-up comedy. So it's a bigger thing now. And back in the day when we were comics, you went on an open Anthony, became popular, got fans, made some money toward, and then you would go to a festival or you'd pitch a show, and then you'd be Ray Romano or Jerry Cypher. Ellen, that was the thing. Before us, before that, it was going to the tonight show and get a sitcom.

And now after, it used to be a year ago, or up the in the last six years, it used to be like, now get on Rogan, because late night doesn't matter. And now even Rogan has like a quarter of the viewers that they used to because of the move to Spotify. So you're like, what's the next? Yeah, but it's, it's, it's, I was telling them, I'm like, dude, if we had all the stuff now, if, if we videotape the virus tour, yeah, all of us, Patrice, per all,

if we had a camera crew, like, like Andrew does, or you know, all these people have these high of these video ographers. Yeah. First of all it would cost $50,000 because the cameras had to go on your soul. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it plugged into some VHS tapes. I mean lighting would everything would be so much money to do that. Now you can record something on your phone. Yeah. It's 4K and edit it on your phone and put it up for your fans to view right now. It's just a different game. Now it's all, so back then, if we did that,

imagine if there was, you know, behind the scenes, high jinks of the virus tour with Patrice, Vos, Norton, Me, Burr, all the other fucks, Louis, I mean, that would be huge. That's what's weird about people that have been doing comedy like my length of time because it felt like I mean, that would be huge. That's what's weird about people that have been doing comedy like my length of time because it felt like I was, when I started it was get on Conan,

get on the tonight show, and then it became like, you know, or get on, you know, a popular radio show, then all of a sudden it became like, those shows don't matter. Now you gotta get on podcasts, and then it's like, well, this podcast doesn't matter, and this one doesn't matter. You gotta get on, essentially, only this,

like, it all changed, it used to be like, get on comedy central. Now it's like comedy central is the same six comedians that are doing fine. But it's also yeah, exactly. The late shows doesn't matter. I mean, people have done 17 late shows and it's still. Doesn't matter. I know someone who's just telling me they did they had done Conan and he was like, I got 10 followers de ella. ¡Ten! ¡Ten!

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Yo creo que cuando vine a mi, yo creo que es, even TikTok. It's like, could you, I mean, it's like when Vine came in, I knew it was like, oh, this is a game changer. Yeah. People are becoming millionaires from six second videos. But our whole way of viewing a detainment got crunched down into tiny, too. Not many. Tiny, tiny, tiny, little portions. But that's also why that was one of the things

I loved about Vine though was the fact that everybody was on an even playing field. You couldn't upload anything. You only had to use your camera phone. So everybody was on, it was like a perfect level. So even like famous directors or 13 year olds, everybody had the same thing. And then Instagram came out with video

and they're like, we'll let you upload stuff to Vine too. And within a year they were done. Because that was like a cool, it was like an artist friendly thing. Yeah. Like there were people, every time you touched it, it would take one frame.

So like people would spend two days going back and taking sunset time lapses and it was fucking awesome to see the amount of time they put in for a six second thing. Yeah. It was really cool. And it's sad too, because all those Vine people are just dead. No, but a lot of Logan Paul was a vine guy And he's doing better than any move to LA got deals. Yeah, they live in an apartment. I'm not getting on vine street in LA

They had like a like a what's that call like a trap house Like a creator little hubs a little in- to the house, content house, maybe. Yeah, but it was the, you know what just discussed me about, just gusts me about everything is the race. No more buffets. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's when there's a hair in my food. Wow.

What? My joke bombed and you continued with it. I was trying to help you. Yeah, okay, thanks. It's friendship. It's called friendship. I just hate the fucking rat race for viral or content. For content.

I know it's something we gotta do, but I just... But even when you hate that... I hate living like this. But when you, yes, and that's to have that thing of like, when's the last time I posted seeing it says five days ago and then the pit and you're stomach of being like, fuck, I gotta get something else out, is I hate that so. But also, even like going viral doesn't matter. Like I've, I've gone viral a few times in the last year and it's like, what is that change? Where if it's like all of a sudden, you know, you go, oh, maybe agents and managers, if you see that somebody on their own with

nothing has a mass like 70 million views across all of their platforms, of their content. That would be something if I was an agent or manager that would be like, that person is doing something right. I don't know what it is. I'm gonna, if not even sign them, I'm gonna hit pocket them and just keep tabs on them, but you're like, but it doesn't matter. Nobody calls it.

I love that. The media has done the managers and agents voices in his head. Hi, that's the guy I should go with. Yeah, I mean, that's the guy. That's the guy. Yeah, it mean, that's the guy. That's the guy. Yeah, it's, I don't know, man, it's a, it's a weird thing. I just do know that you can't look at other people's feeds. Yeah.

Because if you look at other people's feeds, you will get sad. And it's, it's, I don't think it's your fault. I don't, it's not their fault. It's not your fault. I mean, look, people put up sold out, sold out. Yeah. All right, well, why are you promoting a sold out show? I get it.

I know why you're doing it. You want people to know. Look at me. So, you know what, fuck face. I just sold out three shows in Tampa. Yeah, you did. Didn't even miss it. And the club tweeted about you.

I saw that tweet. That was very nice of them to be like, I'm sick of this word killers that gets thrown around. Robert Kelly is an actual killer. Well, it's, I get it though. I understand it because we're so desperate for something that feels good, like some accolades, some type of that a boy, you know,

because there's a lot of people with a lot of great shit that you're like, oh man, if I could just have a piece of that, I could relax a little. And, you know, it's just not that way. But that put me over method, I think, doesn't hurt anybody. Like, and I do think even somebody like, you know, Schultz is like given a lot to Akash and like, you know, and Mark and all the other guys

that are like his team or whatever. He's been very good at being like, this is my guy too. Like to say with Rogan where he's like made 25 people's stand-ups careers and made them famous essentially. And you're like, but those guys, if you look at Bert, that guy took an opportunity. Look, he was with, he had a show, and then I remember he used to tour it. Jay all the time, like that was gonna be, who would put him over, but it didn't. And then he did get with Rogan and all things comedy.

And then he was like, oh, this is working. Let me do this. Yeah, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me do this. Let me just, let me, I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna go be this guy Yeah, and I'm gonna be this one. I'm doing that's he did the work He does whatever he does to get an hour every year

To have ready to be sold and to tour and I mean he does all he works his fucking ass off deck It does yeah has Bert and a dog. I guarantee he's not looking at other people's things going, oh, no, that's that's the real key. You have to focus in on what the fuck you're doing. Yeah. And not worry about what what what this guy or that girl is going to think about what you're putting out there. But I think the benefit of being someone like Bert is when you have enough fans that are coming to every one of your posts, coming to your shows, you don't need to look elsewhere because you're like, I got what's working.

This is a working formula now. When you don't have a huge audience, or you're not selling out everywhere you go, or doing theaters, you're like, well, why? It's different. You can distract yourself if you have a big enough fan base to your own. First is if you don't, then you're like, well, what am I doing wrong?

What can I do better? Even if you try to look at it from a positive, what am I doing better? Well, I mean, I myself, for me, I figured out, okay, there's a certain places I do well at, and at certain times, right? Certain times of the year, I do well at this club. So I'm going to go to these clubs, whatever the clubs are for, you know, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go five, six clubs a year. I do well.

And every year, I build and build and build. And my contracts would change with those as I build. And it was like a business model. Like, you know, okay, and there's other places that, if I go to the club, I am not gonna get paid money. I'm it's just not gonna work out. I'm gonna have to do a lot of shows for very little money because their business model is different. Right, but I can go to that town and do a theater or rent out a spot and go make what I would make in seven shows I make him one show, but it's all fans, right?

So you got to figure this shit out yourself and then you got to go roll the dice because there's been places that I went where I was like, I'm, I got a 100% the door and then I show up with this fucking 20 people. Yeah, and I hold my, you know what I mean? Like, I got a fucking, I'm like done. I've done that.

I've done places like that. And then this clubs that I do, because I like, and they pay me enough, but there's other benefits to it for me. You have to figure that shit out. You can't just say, I'll do it, because if you're at a place that treats you like shit and doesn't pay you the money you want to get, and you're going to wind up hating your life,

and you're going to wind up hating the club, and you're going to wind up hating comedy. And you're gonna wind up hating the club. And you're gonna wind up hating comedy. The one thing that I realized when I'm happy, when I'm fucking truly in a great mood and enjoying my day, my shows are fucking insane. Right. I'm on point, I'm fucking ever. When I'm miserable, it shows up in my act.

Yeah. And that's when I get lonely and sad and fucked up. And I'm like, what a, what a weird mic. And then God forbid I turn on any social media. Yeah, of course. And I see fucking Jared Fried, or fucking, you know, Shultz or anybody. Shultz is driving a fucking while getting blown.

Yeah, Chris DeSteffanon, 97 shows sold out. Yeah. I mean, it is whatano, 97 shows sold out. Yeah. I mean, it is what it is. You know what I do. And then you're gonna take the hits too when you go to clubs. There's clubs, some of these club owners suck. Yeah, they're just bad people.

Yeah. And they love to let you know where you're at. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's famous comics let them know where they're at. Right. So they really want to take it out Oh, what's his name sold all fucking Sony five shot and it's like yeah, well, I'm not fucking what's his name? Yeah, the whatever I don't care if I bring 500 people to your club this weekend

Those are my people and they're paying you money to to fight so fuck off right you know go get him then every week Yeah suck bag. Yeah pay him four times the amount of money to barely make your overheads or that way you could have make some cash to have promotions to put in the business. You have to figure out where you like to play, the clubs you like to play, and where you like to be. And that's it.

And everything else you can't control. You don't understand someone's gonna be in the fucking crowd. You know, it might never happen. It doesn't happen for a lot of people. I know so many funny fucking guys from Boston. I mean, oh my god. And they're just happy. They have a house, they have a family, they do shows, you know, now they're in their 60s and something, you know, whatever. They do movie parts here and there. And that's it. They're happy. They made a choice.

Yeah. It's like, you know, you have to, you're gonna go for it, then go for it. Shut your face and go for it. Yeah. Figure it out. Go hang out with those people that did it. Yeah. You know, you can't hang out with somebody who's not doing it. You have to hang out with the people

that are doing what the fuck you wanna do. And then it's hard to hang out with those people and not seem like you're glomming on to them. You are glomming or a star fuckery. You are a star fucking. There you are, but that's part of it. That's part of fucking, that's part of them. You are calming or star fuckery. You are star fucking. There you are, but that's part of it. That's part of fucking. That's part of it. I can't. I don't like to star fuck. I like to hang out with guys. As soon as I walk in, they're going to tell me my shirt stinks.

Yeah. My career is in the fucking garbage. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I have a one I bigger than the other. I like that. I can trash them back. You know, of course. That, those are my friends, there's some type of realness to it. But you know, if you go glomm the fuck on, dude. Sometimes you gotta glomm. I mean, glomming in this business is, it's a bad thing to be, to certain people. It's not bad to other people.

People who are, I'm definitely not good at the business part of this industry, which is obviously very hurtful, but those people who are good, even just like little thing like memory, like I know comics who are so good with memory, they can remember this person, you can be in the system at this agency, and then they can, when they get promoted,

they're good at taking in. I know comics that actually put in their canelers to call people to keep connections alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hey, what's going on? It's probably very smart. Hey, I was thinking about you. Yeah.

Oh, gross. It's all gross. So gross. But once you get over, I know comics that have literally mind themselves to smile. It says in their calendar, smile today. So you can see them when they show up. Oh, hey, hey, I like people like that because I like when you see them at their lowest and then they

see you and they go, and you're like, you're fucking hiding something. Yeah, but you know, it's like that's a choice you make to, you know, have pinpoint focus on something that you want. Right. Yeah. If you're, if you're trying to fucking make people change and be what you think they're supposed to be. If you try to make them into the type of respectable artists, comic, and have the same values that you think are righteous, you're gonna go insane.

You can't change people. You're gonna fucking hate everybody, and you're gonna never get what you're never gonna be happy with what you got. Yeah, you know what's funny is like on like TikTok and all these motivational things, there's a big surge of people being like, look at who you hang out with. And it just makes me feel bad. You know, you go like, don't make me say that.

Anything that makes Mike feel for him. Yeah. I know. I never considered that actually. Wait, could I not be hanging out with him? Yeah, yeah, maybe we got to do this. How many is on it? We got to do this.

Anybody a fucking that's an anchor to your career. Shut the fuck up and top of shit. I'm glad we're back in the comedy. I felt like we just stopped doing comedy the last 45 minutes. I like talking about it. I know. I was fun. I just realized we were doing a comedy podcast. I'm like, oh, we've been very real for a very long time.

I think every friend I have goes, I gotta stop hanging out with that guy. Look, yeah. And that insecurity is why I'll stop talking to you someday. But you don't have to stop. You don't have to stop't. Look, yeah. Med in security as well. Stop talking to you this evening. But you don't have to stop, you don't have to stop hanging out with certain people. You just have to fucking be the person who you are. Yeah.

And if you're going to like, if you're gonna try to change or meditate or pray or, you know, not be envious and not look at social media, whatever the fuck you're doing to better yourself, that has nothing to do with the people you're hanging around with. You can still have those people in your life and they may like what the fuck you're doing and they might think you're an idiot,

but it can't matter to you. It has to be your choice. Although if you have somebody who is constantly every time you hang out with them, they're like, look at this fucking guy. Can you believe if there's someone negative and toxic, you should kind of like, you gotta know.

Well, you should say to them, dude, I ain't doing that. All you have to do is go, dude, don't do that around me. Yeah. What do you mean? What, I don't do that. Yeah. I'm not doing that shit. I don't play that.

So do that with somebody else. And then they go, all right, and they stop. And it's done. You can still hang out with that person. They just don't do that with you. Yeah. And you might actually put them in a better frame of mind to be like, oh yeah.

And if they're not, you can just forget, don't do it. Well, I feel that about, I feel that about the hate watch. I'm like, I don't, That's that. Like when someone hate watches a special or something. Yeah, when they know they're like, Oh, this person's comedy special is notoriously terrible. We all talk about it.

So I'm going to watch it. Can we just do, listen, yeah, that that's just fun dude. That is fun. Yeah, that's our there's there's a difference between like saying, uh, whatever, like sending a Burke thing and being like, what the fuck is this? Chew chewed you doing again, like doing that is very negative. But to watch like a special like Nick Cannon special being like, this is crazy. That's more fun. But then at the end of it, you still get sad, because even if you make fun of them

because you're going, look how fucking, I'm funnier than this guy, then you go, but they're also, look at the special, look at the amount of money that Netflix spent on these people. And this is, like at the end of the day, I don't bother me. I don't know how you could ever say, I'm funnier. I've never in my life said I'm funnier than that guy.

I really do not believe. For real. Yeah, that's not true. No, for real. It's not true. You've said you're funnier than me, 17 times already. I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like,

I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like,

I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, I'm a guy who's like, being with other comics going, ugh, and look at it. That's fun. Okay, that's fun. Look at the people's Instagram. Look, I understand that that is,

look, we're not supposed to do that, right? We're not supposed to, but there's nothing funner than when you with somebody who's in your inner circle. The car ride is great for the car ride. All right, look at the car ride. We're at convenience. Go fuck yourself, we're gonna do that.

I understand that. There's a difference between being alone and in your own head looking at other people's success. Yeah. Hey guys check out the theater shot. Hey there's 15 hundred people. I wish you got shot in that theater. You know that shit you really I don't think is healthy to do. Yeah. You know to look at other people's things. And who cares? Because, you know, how many, you don't even know sold out may be 30 people. And it might be one show. It might have been sold out

before they even knew who was there. Right. Yeah. You don't know what the fuck's. Or they might have spent $4,000 in Instagram and Facebook promos to market it. And they were actually like losing money on the gig. But it sold out. Yeah, like I had somebody say, dude,

you sell out in Tampa because of Mike Calta. Yeah, he's, yeah, he's the number one radio guy and yep, that's how it works. Yeah, what's that? What is even the insult there? Yeah, no, because they're like, they need to find a why you are, why did I sell out? Yeah.

It's like, first of all, people have seen me in Tampa six, seven times. What, I know what my fan base is in Tampa and they're, it's big. I've been going there for 15 years working on that shit. I go there once a year at the certain times so they know I'm coming. You know what I mean? But yes, my culture is a fucking big part. The number one radio guy in Tampa has something to do with that. I agree with you. Two-shet. You're right. So if I went in Boston, I went on all the radio stations. Yes, I sell out because you have these people behind you,

right? Rogan, people sell out because they went on a Rogan. It's what we do, but you used to say, you're gonna put, we have to put each other over. Yeah, that is so huge. But I don't feel like that happens enough. I feel like that's 1% of comedians, but other people,

but I'm a big fan. Yeah. People cover their fans. They don't want to give them away. It's a great way. Because if they give them, if they give them away, they might leave them or they might, they're afraid that you are funnier than them. Straight. Yeah. It's an insecurity. It's like, Oh, dude, you are fucking funnier than Bobby. It's like I've got batter pullers. Yeah. It's a it's a phrase.

It's a term when someone when someone climbs up the ladder of success and then pulls the ladder one there up there so that you can't get up as well. Do you make that up or no? That's a term. It's a term. I hate it. What? But it's true. It's not really roll off the tongue. It's not a good one. I mean, I didn't make it up. So I'm not offended by it, but it gets a ladder pullers.

You're a ladder. It's the same as climber. Climber is great. I love climber. Climber is better. But if climber is in the thing that, climber also doesn't let you know though, that when they climb to the top,

they're not gonna let anybody else climb. The ladder puller is, they're fucking pulling that ladder. You're not getting up there. Where's the ladder? How are you gonna get up? Please Spider-Man, you can't crawl up wall. Cut to Bobby at the table being like,

these fucking latter pullers, I made that up the way. It just sounds like a Slurrogans firemen, these fucking latter pullers over here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, there are people that do covet that like, you know. It's gross. It's strange.

I understand it because they get to a point where it's like, oh my god, I'm doing it. I'm making, they're looking at their page, oh my, it's gross. It's strange. Well, I understand it because they get to a point where it's like, oh my god, I'm doing it. Yeah. And they're looking at their page, oh, this is unbelievable. And they've, this is all they wanted. Yeah. Sometimes I feel that way.

Sometimes I feel like it's not all I want. I want a relationship with my son. I want a family life. I want my wife. I want to have friendships. I want to enjoy other things besides fame. Gay. Yeah, sometimes I'm like, sometimes I'm like,

what are you doing? You fat, over here. There's gotta be a great off-hands. He gives a fuck about his kids. Yeah, do you think she'll tell you anything? I mean, look at Bill Murray. Bill Murray is like the coolest motherfucker to everybody in the world.

Ask his kid how cool Bill Murray is. Hey, how cool is Bill showing up to a bar at 5 a.m. to hang out with strangers? Well, I wish he talked me in that night. Yeah, I wish he knew me at all. That'd be great. You know, but he's the coolest motherfucker to everybody. But people wear his face on t-shirts. But you're like, if you're a person who's that much on the road and that touring and stuff, something is being neglected, whether it's a wife, whether it's a kid, anything. Yeah, sometimes I think that. I'm like, I fucked up because I know people

that are famous and they are just about themselves. Yeah. They have needs, huh? How are they happening? They look happy, you shit. That's why when you look at their Instagram and I'm slowly getting on the app. That's a fuck.

I'll tell you what, if I have, if I can survive and I have a house and I'm famous and everything or whatever, or I think I'll be a little bit happier than I am. Do you know how fast this fucking tub of red would dump you if no, Rogan? I would joke. I would help them all. If Joe Rogan tapped him to be, to be, uh,

he would be in fucking Austin tomorrow slinging guacamole somewhere just to be right. What's up, fuckers. We're here with Brendan. Uh, uh, uh, Jesus Christ. You know what I mean? He would dump you in fucking five seconds. I mean, I, I don't think I'll ever get to that point.

I mean, no, rugas never gonna acknowledge you. I don't think so. No, but I'm, he would dump you. He wants fame. You want it. You want it. I want all costs.

Yeah. That's my kill you all. That's a problem. Usually about the problems that you have or whatever. And I was like, that is a problem that I have is that I want too many things. That's, it's not like I want to be the number one standup of all time. I want to be a touring standup comic. I want to have things. That's, it's not like, I wanna be the number one standup of all time.

I wanna be a touring standup comic. I wanna have a successful podcast. I wanna direct movies. I wanna make shows with my friends. I wanna do all of these things where I'm so jealous of people who are, I'm so envious of people who have a one track mind. All I wanna do is do that.

And then I'm like, Because you're not willing, can I tell you why? And I have the same problem. I'm not, I do so much different shit. I am not willing to sit through the agony, the agony and of rejection and defeat for that one thing. Well, and also when I can get, I can get little bursts of from everything. Yeah, I can do all this other show more in control. But it's also you're neglecting, if I'm working on the standup album, I'm neglecting everything else.

If I'm not working on standup. But you're a standup comedian. Yes, I am writing an hour. That's all I'm going to do until it's done. And then you're done. But you sell tickets and you're been doing it for like 30 years. It's like, we are a standup comic. Because people know me as a standup comic,

but I am not famous from standup. So how many albums do you put out before you go, this is not the thing. You know what's sad about your generation is that the mechanism is changing at such a rapid race. There's no way to feel in control. Yeah, it's like falling through the cracks. Yes, like this, and then it's that,

and it's something new, and you can't't say this and you can't do that anymore. And as soon as you know, podcasting everybody in their grandmother, I mean, mob guys, I'm like, hey, welcome to Joey Tone's podcast. I killed 87 people since 1974. But here I am now to tell you about it. And real quick, let's talk about meandies. In 1974, but here I am now to tell you about it. And real quick, let's talk about meandies.

And there's Gamelcoa Hwacht. I got the Grim Reaper and the Doctor of Death. How you guys doing? The look I'm at. That's fuck, man. And there's Gistis Mark Norman. He's a robot. How many central made him to tell jokes and the fuck

and assault women sexually? Hey, can I see you pussy? Hey. Hey. It'll only take a few minutes, folks. He calls the woman folks. Hey folks, can I lick your box? I like it better when you cry.

This is part of the Patreon, is it? No, this is going to right out. It's going to right free. It's going to right out my friend. Yeah, fuck him if you can't take a joke. Yeah, it's comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny.

You guys get nervous about Mark Norman. What's he going to do? Put you on Tuesdays with stories? He has never done that. No. Actually, yes. I have done Tuesdays with stories. I did the live one at Skank, Skank Fest. Almost at Skank Fest. Wait, but honestly, God, though, you have to, I think you have to either be happy, like do the things you're doing and be happy with it or choose something that makes you happy and do it. Yeah, 100%. But what about all of those things? What if all of those things make you happy?

Do them. Yeah. You just be happy. And stop looking at other people's lives. Yeah. Yeah, well, you can't make eye contact, you fuck. It's like that. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I do? What I did recently. I know what you do. You eat. You know what I did, you I did recently, I know you do you eat Right, yeah, you wipe gizz off your belly and sweat off your forehead You then you air out a shirt in the window because you don't have a watch. I started burning on the train platform And I go are you hot and he goes no and I looked and he is side of his head looked like a glazed donut I was like you're sweating. I wear I put lotion on too. So that might have been well. Oh, lotion It wasn't.

It was not lotion. I know you're saying, because my wife, my wife, it like comes off of you when you sweat. Yeah, like my wife told me to put lotion on my head one day and I did. I was going to do a set and it just, I don't know what happened. It just ignited sweat. I looked like a robot. Cause it clogged your pores.

Oh, yeah. Clogged your pores. Cause it, it clogs your, hey, I'm mic-feigning. Because it blacks birds. Hey, I'm Mike Fienin in your Clogs, that's what you should do. Mike Fienin. We the game show for a lot of money. Sure. We need to come up with a character, a character for you and you need to double down on it. I'll be there. I'll turn into the Bert shirt off to the, uh, the fucking, that should be his, that should be his alter ego. I'm Bert shirt off. You need to be a little cheesy. We keep the mustache. Sure. Hey, sing song. You give us a character. What do you got?

It's too late. No, it's not enough for him. As it go. It's Tom Fullerie. Don't I'm here from reporting. Oh, both of you smile. You like it. I do like your top. Just try to do five minutes as that guy right now. Okay. Tom Fullerie. All now. Okay, Tom Fulery. All right, Tom Fulery, we're here, having a good time. How you doing, my friends, Brandon and Robert?

Well, I'm doing good, you know, not as good as I could be doing. All right, we're just having fun. Oh, wow. All right, well, I like that dude who, there was like a comic in the, no, I want to stay in the character for five minutes. Let's talk to him as Tom Fulery. This is a whole quick.

Oh, that one's lonely. All right. No, I was kind of negative, right? I'm not negative. Oh, Tom Fulery. I'm real. Negative Nancy. Nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm negative. I'm sorry, Nick. I'm sorry, Nick. CAA's calling and let me go over. How funny would it be? If you guys really, this was it. This is a Tom Fulery and negative Nancy.A. is calling and let me go over. How funny would it be if you guys really this was it? This was a top would be a negative Nancy. Yeah, yeah, it's a million dollar idea.

I mean, we've tried everything. Oh, there's why not another thing. It's maybe maybe a couple of thousand nickels. I don't know. A thousand nickels. That I too bad. But a thousand nickels in money. Let's try and guess.

Well, five times a thousand, twenty, money. Let's try and guess. Well, it's five times a thousand forty. Everyone's doing different, man. 2040, it's 2040, it's 45 though. Well, 40, it's $50. How many nickels I forgot? It's $50,000. It's $50. Okay.

400 nickels. Can you fact check that? It's 500 nickel. We're going to need a fact. $50. I said $50. That's what I said. What would you have said? What the fuck? I said it. I'm getting I'm getting no Bobby don't worry about what other people are doing. I'm like, well, I was being happy with yourself. You were right. Oh God. Don't forget. Let me ask you a question. We're gonna be going to the Patreon,

the Patreon-only version of soon. YKWD, thanks for being a member. Make sure you subscribe. Hit the subscribe button if you're watching it. We're not ending the show. We're gonna transition a little bit. You'll know because it'll be a little transitional video. You go to brendansagalow.com all his dates and and where do we go for you?

Mike Fienicamady.com. Oh, look, I bring it right there. And you got some dates coming up. Where are you going to be? I have not updated that, but me and Mike can and are going on a... What's the way your career's in the future? Talk about the one thing you can control. I know. I'm such a... Your own website. Hey, myself and I hate my life. I mean, Lou, you get hire an Indian guy to do it for five bucks a year. Well, you can

do it in five minutes. Yeah. I'm allowed to say what? Five bucks a year? Indian guy. Anyway, me and Mike canner going on the road. We're doing a little mini mini tour. Yeah. We're going to be in Columbus. It's going to be Mike. I'm opening for him. Yes,

yes, yes, yes, but I'm on the t-shirt. You can't. Okay. So shut the fuck up. Oh, that was nice. Um, you wonder why I'm on the t-shirt. You can't. Okay, shut the fuck up. Huh, that was nice. Um, you wonder why nobody's taking you under their wing. You're just violent. Yeah. Yeah.

He also said me and my cannon are going on. Well, we are my cannon. Listen, I my cannon and I how are you on the shirt? We're both on the t-shirt. How do you fit you on the t-shirt? Well, they put our heads. It's pretty equal. Okay. Where's the t-shirt? I want to see this. It's a good t-shirt. Nicole made it up. Nicole did. Yeah, it's a the t-shirt how to fit you on the t-shirt. Well, they put our heads. It's pretty equal Okay, where's the t-shirt? I want to see this. It's a good t-shirt Nicole made it up the cold did yeah, it's a great T-shirt. I don't know I Will be and I'll be opening for my coming in Columbus and

I Might have played she's no your worth I Just want to create content with my friend. Isn't that what you're gonna get a video guy to come with you? We have our buddy Lucas. Am I, is that the guy I'm meeting? What do you mean? Oh, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna lose his mind.

I'm gonna pay him a script. He's being a cattling beanball. Kind of said eight videographers stolen from him over the years. First of all, he's got shackled up this one. It's not stealing of who I've had all of them. Yeah. Well, I had photographers.

I used to have photographers come in here all the time and as soon as somebody bigger, they were gone. Yep. And then I remember one of them, I was like, hey, do you do some photos? Yeah, it's a thousand. I was was like dude, I gave you your fucking Sprite you fucks up. Yeah Bobby knew Mike live and when he was pimp with a house There we go that

Yeah, isn't that cool doing so called maybe actually I actually really do like it fucking awesome, right? What's in your mouth a blunt? You should have put it off to the side. It looks like you have a split hair. That's a nice, like a split hair. You just naked and no reason. And my canon has tranny eyes. Yeah. He really does.

Look at his eyelashes. Gorgeous. I love the minute you get off. I start complaining about you making fun of me. The minute you get off, I'm like, yeah, he does. Yeah, I do think it's very, I think it's very egoless of Canon too to make you guys equal. Not equal, it's heads bigger because it's beard fades out.

And it looks like that. Yeah, Sagalos heads way bigger. I like it. I'm not going to suck it on us. Milk shake too, by the way. All right. Well, this is going to be the last time I open for my friend, my Canon. Why?

Because you're making me feel bad about it. Nothing. Why? Because now I me feel bad about it. Nothing. Why? Because now I know my worth and it ain't that. Your worth is worth what you're getting for the show. 5,000 nickels. What up in deferred payments? Also, remember you used the name podcast?

That's the name. Yeah, yeah. He's still do that. Oh, you do. Sorry. Well, yeah, also check out here's the name. Yeah, yeah, I'm that's a deal to do that. Oh, you do. Oh, sorry. But yeah, also, check out here's the scenario. Oh, yeah, sure. Well, let's check out our podcast and also you three together. Don't step on your own plug. You three together are fucking hilarious. Thank you. I mean, what about separately?

Separately, two man. I mean, you guys are all fucking great standups. Some better than others. I mean, that's just a progression. Yeah, we're both better than screaming. That's fun. I have my own headlining dates. If I can plug those, I have another headlining date. And I want to also wear this that one. BK Ryan's and Connecticut in a restaurant where the last time I was there, I ate a steak with my bare hands. I was so angry at something. And they might have a man's old friend. Oh, yeah. Just I was just going through a rough time with a with a per I was.

I was stink with his hands. I was I was yeah, it wasn't a minute. What's happening here? What's happening here? No, wait, I didn't get to my blog. Don't you. I don't know what you do. I was why are we doing this?

I I don't you dare. She didn't pull. That go out at the pole. That go out over the thing. I also want to say last thing, me and Mike are doing a show. How much shit you have is a middleer. Me and Fini are... Fini and I are...

Ego Maniac. Me, me, me, me. Me. Me and someone else who are an opera singer getting ready me me me me me me me me me me me me me and Fini Fini and I you can't fuck you why you stop swearing and get me booted up for YouTube oh sorry fucking dirty ginger potty mouth Fini and I are running a show for the New York comedy festival called the unlikely duos and we're gonna have multiple, we're gonna have two comics

on stage that we're putting like two completely opposite entities on stage together. It's just going to be some woman and then a funny man. I'm kidding. Come on. Don't put me on the Facebook thing. We don't think like that anymore. Yeah. But I- November 12th. Yes, November 12th.

New York comedy club. Yeah, that'll be great. It's part of the festival, so it'll be exciting. Yeah. And- Bobby's doing it. Name five funny women comedians. Go.

Sarah Silverman. Jessica Kirsten. Early Ellen DeGeneres. I'm wine or is- I'm wine or is- That's so hard for you. What do you mean? I'm naming them. What are you, you name early Ellen. Why is this so hard for you? What do you mean I'm naming them? What are you, you name early Ellen to Jenner? Yeah, it's so funny.

I was thinking of the top of that. Right now, with the Cummings and what was that? What was that? What did you throw your hands? I'm letting you finish. She's stalling. He gave us the rosebud. And I was going to say rosebud, a Lynn Coplitz, Sarah Silvermitch, I name other ones that I named

yeah, I'm not a different one. Coplitz or Rosebud, your friend. Yeah, but I mean, Rosebud, I thought we were doing famous. You don't like Rosebud. No, we were doing faint. No, I said funny. Oh, sure. Wow. Anyway, um, it and it's, MikeFenicomedy.com, you can come to, Wow, what a good looking guy. What a tough looking one. Fendi Tucker really knows how to do. Yeah, you're a tan there. I mean, get a little alcoholic nose, but that's okay.

That's all right, that's just actually my nose, but thank you. And if we go down to live show, there we go. I will September 24th. I'll be in Stratford, Connecticut, headlining two roads, brewing company, and then the 20, and then the next day, I think it's actually the 25th, not the 26th. That'll be a cold chester at pre-M vineyard, so come check that out. Come on out, make sure you check out.

Yeah, go check them out. Yeah, check that out, the YouTube page too. Very funny. Yes. And you got, I think that's what I think, though. I think that you have to, yes, creeps for kids is coming back this week. I'm in about the, uh, rural comedy club at the, uh, over the fuck. Massachusetts.

I'm throwing up in my mouth. Um, like, I don't know. I don't know. Sometimes it happens with chubby guys. Um, days, get this. Yeah, the, just gird acid reflux. I think't know. I don't know. Sometimes it happens with chubby guys. They just get this. Yeah, the just gird acid reflux. I think that is. Yeah, it's a soft a gold spasm. Look at all these theaters. Yeah, you got to come out. Wow. Yes, Bobby. Bobby needs an

operation for the spasms. He needs to get his nose drained. Yeah. Brendan needs to deadline in 47 pounds and at lighting gigs. He has a t-shirt with Sagalaw on it as big as him. Bigger. Like, you should have been over his shoulder. You know, for all that fucking talk about you guys, like this, saying it would have been like him like this and then need to start taking care of you.

Of course, saying cannons putting you over. Yeah. Imagine if you were headlining and I was opening for you. And then we had your head. I was so Well, I thought that would be a fun joke I didn't know Bobby would go into this phone and talk. Yeah, I got my cello dates Yeah, Bobby staring at salt. Oh, I check for mine. Yeah, all right, and then And then if my head was bigger than yours on your headlining tour You don't think that you're bigger than his It's my head bigger than his on our-

Yes. Oh, it's not my head. Bring up the poster again. Bring up the T-shirt again. I just have a big head. Well, you do have a big head. Yeah, hopefully. It wasn't see that he's gonna call me and go,

we're trying to love a big head. Nicole, I mean, 7% smaller right now. I mean, it should be him duck like over the back like, no. I love the shirt. I think it's great. I love the shirt too, but there's no, your head is bigger. It is what Bobby said because his beard fades into the back like hey, I love the shirt. I think I love the shirt too, but there's no your head is bigger. It is what Bobby said because his beard fades into the back.

But his head is smaller in life. He has a narrow head. Yeah, like he should have been canon and then in the back like over a show, they're like hey, almost like the misery loves company logo with Lenny behind them. Well, I'm here too. Well, that sucks. That whole thing sucks. So. So I don't like that. And I won't agree. You guys here. Did you see all that stuff of brew this weekend? Oh my god.

No, no, I didn't, I didn't see the video. Let's talk about it. Yeah, we'll talk about it. We're gonna talk about it on patreon.com. That's Robert Kelly. Oh, please. You guys, thank you so much for tuning in to YKWD. Thank you for watching every week.

Hope you enjoyed the episode. If you wanna go check out the rest of the episode, just go join. Become a member, five bucks. There's a bunch of different levels with a bunch of different stuff. But it's five bucks if you want to check it out. Or you can just wait Sunday night, comes out for everybody. But the extra half goes only Patreon only. So there you go. Become a member patreon.com, says Robert Kelly. And if not, hit subscribe, enjoy the show.

Thank you to you two, fucks, for coming on. Thank you so much. You guys always craft me up. That's it. I'm getting two young stallions. I love that. In the in the corral and I gotta, I gotta take you on the garden.

Run you around as circles. In your backyard. Yeah, like run you around as circles. In your backyard. Yeah, like run you around, could you come in and fucking. Oh, no, was that a bad impression? Yeah, you did a drumroll. What's that? It's a river of blood after someone was just shot hit by an abysically in the story.

Where's the river of blood? Oh, sorry. I didn't never blowed after someone was hit with my gone. They're just hosing off all the blood. You're just a star roasts body. That would be a make sure you go to wearables.com. Get all your YKWD gear right over there. We got hats. We got shirts, we get stickers and

Caltor and Kelly, you got my face, you get a bunch of stuff. Go to comicwearables.com, use code word, Ladybug, and you get 20% off everything. Also, patreon.com, says Robert Kelly. And what else do we got to do? Anything else? Oh, that's it. Yo.

Stick around, it's not over yet. This episode of YKWD is continuing now Exclusively on patreon.com slash rubber Kelly All right, well listen go to robbercat alive calm check out all that shit. What is oh, I got to do this too We're gonna do the names real quick. Oh, yeah, we're gonna do these names real quick. But you're on but before I do that Read at end before names. Yeah. Here we go.

This company is where you're going. To be. Yeah, please go to be. Now open. Wicked. Good wholesale furniture. Dead. Dead.

My body opened up a furniture store doing its wicked, good wholesale furniture. Nice. Come in. Get wicked, good do a dude. It's wicked good wholesale furniture, dude. Nice come in get wicked good deals dude Tell you got deals on fucking on on on confident love seats Dude, yeah reclined as up the Yin Yang dude. They got fucking dude. They got a fucking day bad dude We're open on Saturdays. We're open on Sundays It's you it let me tell you something. It's all the brand name furniture is at 70% off,

regular retail prices. Carry Ashley, cat, catnapping, nationwide and more. Affirmative for all your rooms. Now, don't be a wicked pissadoosh. All right, and get your smile ass over there and see them over there just over the Phillips Berg bridge, a located at three one six town center Boulevard and Eastern mass. No, not Eastern Eastern PA. Sorry.

We always do. Like there's no fucking furniture store here, dude. Yeah. As a fucking big fits. Look, you come in and get a couch. We'll beat up your cousin for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. PA, check it out.

Again, that's 316, town center boulevard, Eastern PA. Check out the website, wickedgoodfurniture.com. We'll call them at 610-438-4829. Mention that YKWD, but just go, dude, you know what, dude? I want a deal, dude, and they'll get you. Check this out, free delivery and set up. They'll deliver it and they'll set it up,

right at your house, and 70% off. This place is a madness. Go there and get some furniture for your house right now at wickedgoodferentature.com. Hell yeah. We're gonna read the names real quick. You wanna help me? Yeah. But you have to read them as your characters. Sure. All right, We're gonna read the names real quick. You wanna help me? Yeah.

But you have to read them as your characters. Sure. All right, you have to read them as Negative Nancy and Negative Nancy and I'm fully and Tom Fuluria, okay? All right, here we go. I wanna thank, first of all, I wanna thank

all the Patreon members, all the new members. Thank you. I hope you guys enjoy the show. I hope you guys enjoy it. You guys get this out first. You get the video first. You get the full episode on edited right here on Patreon. You get to be part of culture and Kelly, you get that first and we do an extra half hour or so of YKWD.

And it's only for patreon.com.cessRubberCali. You get all the other shows I do, live from the shed, one on one, anything that I do, it goes to you first. So please, thank you and spread the word. Good. First up on a Patreon, we have Ben Zimmer. Love that name. Sounds like a minor league baseball player. Who do you got over there? Negative. We got Bum Cheek, which I bet he sucks in his racist. Next up, we got Jack Scott. That's a amateur level golfer if I'm not mistaken. Next.

And then we have Scott Richards, who I bet is also racist. We're very racist. Copy up next. Very not racist is Leibhones. Very fun fact about Lee. Spend a few moments in Alabama, Mr. is connecting flight. What do you know? I want to do one is Tom.

I got. And then we have but rather the ferd Brett Brett, not but the back. But you can't do it. You're out. You can't do it. Negative Nellie Brett Rutland.

Go ahead and I bet he but but listen, you guys. Thank you for joining the Patreon patreon hope you like all the content we pop every week Of course we have Brendan Sagalo go check him out a brand and Brennan Sagalo dot com He's got shows all over the place and he's fucking hilarious. He's doing a tour with Mike Cannon Coming up very soon. What's the tour called again? The Minator Mini Tour. We're doing four dates. That's a big confusion.

I like tiny tour. Yeah, I like it. And what do you have? I got dates up at MikeVinecomedy.com. I'm going to be in Connecticut headlining two different shows, two different venues. September 24th, two Rhodes Brewery, and September 25th, pre-am vineyards.

So you know mini tour with Mike? Just you, you're out yourself. No, just have lighting. Okay. Wow. I get to have fun with my friend. I don't. You don't. You paid more.

Yeah. Um, I don't know. I'm getting paid anything. Wow. Get it. I go. Uh, and go to robbercatalive.com, check it out. My stuff.

Go to jokes, Russell at jokes, Russell. Correct. Why is my mic down? What's going on? Did I turn my thing down? there you go jokes what do you got uncle Vinnie's all weekend I think you went there with me first and now you're in right he's in let me tell you something about jokes Russell Joe Russell check out his cheese show on YouTube we dealt with his lovely wife Olivia not wife yet but they will be someday.

It's an awesome, interstitial, fun little show about cheese, the cheese show on YouTube and check him out. His standup is amazing. I love doing the open for me and Uncle Vinnie's. Yeah, he'll be with me, I think next Tuesday, here at the pussycat. I'll be at the pussycat every Tuesday this month.

So come down, it's a seven o'clock show. I'm running my hour on food addiction and Joe should be with me. And of course, new Nikki is here, the awesome producer. I mean, she's just fucking the best. The best. And mush is somewhere. Mush got mush.

Mush got mush. Mush got push this weekend. He did? Wow. Oh, it's all on Caltharan Kelly Kelly. He's yesterday Caltor and Kelly. Hilarious episode. Talk about mush getting pushed. So make sure you check out that show too.

And that's it. We'll see you guys next week on You Know What The... You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. you