Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Che and His Lady of Leisure

Episode Date: April 25, 2013

Robert is joined for a one on one with comedian Michael Che (@CheThinks).  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Ma mal, a Madrid.

in all your devices. Plus, don't forget to watch the new episode. You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. What's up, fans? If you know what, dude, I'm here to tell you to on June 27th, 28th, and 29th, Robert Kelly will be live at comics

at Foxwood Resort and Casino with his fellow YKWD members Lewis J Gomez and Kelly Fistuka get your tickets now for a very special YKWD night of comedy on June 27th 28th and 29th at Foxwood's Resort and Casino and Foxwood's Connecticut go to Robert Kelly live.com for tickets and information on this show and the rest of Robert's schedule get your tickets now did okay here's the uh... intro for this one michael chay who is i guess the hottest young comic out there at i've heard about this kid before even met him loves him.

And I came into the studio one day and wanted to do a one on one. I've been doing these one on ones. Or, you know, I want to sit down with, you know, not a whole fucking shitload of people. But maybe just me and one of the comedians in the studio. And I asked Estee who was around. And she said Michael Chee and he came down and he brought his girl and it was

fucking a really great podcast. I like this kid a lot. Really good guy. You can tell when somebody's just a genuinely interesting cool person and I get it. I get why people are drawn to this kid and why everybody's all over him. Good looking to fucking kid but young and really interesting and cool. Nice person.

So this podcast is, I don't know, it's like an hour and a half or something like that, but it's fucking great. Really, we just go from one conversation to the other. So there's a little different for you, YKWD fans. The crew isn't there, but it's I like this one, so I hope you enjoy it. And again, make sure you tell your friends about the show. Pass the word on, spread the word, pass the word on, what the fuck does that mean? Spread the word about the podcast. I want this thing to fucking take over the planet, or at least a small city in North Carolina. We've got some things working out behind the scenes here. Hopefully we can reveal soon, some good stuff.

And make sure you support our sponsors, tweedtaudio.com. Just buy those headphones, man. 33% off when you use the code word, dude. Amazon link on our site, gamefly.com slash YKWD. Two-week free trial. And you know, support, laugh button. And laugh, spend, go to those websites. And support the clubs, you know,

support all the guys on the show. You see we're in town, go to our show. Buy a ticket, get a friend, spread the word. You guys showing up at the shows, and coming up after the show, saying, your fans of the podcast is fucking, it's insane. Everybody's loving it. And it's fucking great.

You guys are, you know, you guys are really showing your support for us as comics and for the podcast. thank you for that so that's it I'm fucking rambling I'll talk to you later hey gang this is Colin Quinn this is Jim Norton this is Dennis Liri this is Opie from a lot of things this is Bert Chrysler staying cooking you are listening to Robert Kelly's you know what dude you know what, dude? You know what, dude? I know what, dude! Ify bippy-by-y, ify bippy-boo.

Dippy-dippy-dry-y, you have a dab of dude. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what I'm needed. I'm stuck, I'm stuck in the water. I'm stuck in the water. You know what I'm needed. I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

Alright, what's up? What's up? I'm out. Alright, we're up? What's up, man? Alright, we're good, man. Is everything, everything is, what the fuck, why is... About this shit? Have you done this before, man? Yeah, I've done it fucking...

I don't know, a bunch of times, man. Where are you at? There you are. But I share the fucking studio now with another, you know, another podcast on the network. So every time I come in the not the buttons of fucking turn differently. But what's up, Michael Chey? What's up, man?

Thank you for having me. This is gonna be fun. Yeah. I always want to do this thing. Nobody asked me. Nobody asked you, man. Well, that would be me, because I'm the asker of the fucking show. Yeah, dude, well, you know what?

I mean, I just may, man. Yeah, that's true. I've actually heard a lot about you to be honest with you. You're the fucking, not to get your fucking cock too hard, but you're the... You're the you're the Everybody's talking about you man like you're the mother fucker. No, I don't know I think it's just cuz I'm like I just got here so it's no man. No, no man. It's For people that don't know who Michael Che is yet I'm sure that day will fucking not, you know, you will know.

I mean, look bro, I've been in the business 20 fucking years. You don't think it kills me to fucking talk to the new hot young gun. No, who's gonna do better than me? You know what's weird though? Like honestly, and this is gonna sound cheesy. Yeah. But like, tough crowd is wide. I'm sure I think we mean so to have conversation about this all the time., tough crowd is why I'm sure I think means we mean so to have conversation about this all the time. Like tough crowd was the show. Like we won't I mean,

if you want to do comedy, we always want to do comedy. Whenever you've been the funny kid, you're like, I will, I will, you can do that for a living. I want to do that. You know, but like tough crowd was like the show that I wanted to be the, the New York committee. And you know, I wanted to be in the circle with you and Colin and Greg. And then you met us and you're like, oh fuck. I want that. No, but I'm just saying, to be around and have guys say, respectful things to you, like, why do you know

that I exist? This is dumb. It's almost, it's just so it's really cool. It's always like, oh shit. Well, it's weird that this is the first time for me seeing the The guys coming up. I mean, I mean, I saw I Guess I've seen it twice. I've seen it. You know the the big J Derosa You know, and then there's this evolution of guys coming up which is doing way better than that evolution

By the way, then the big J's and no kidding, but, I'm kidding. But you guys, I mean, you and Dan, like Soda, I've had in my show, I knew Soda was fucking had, you know, was funny the day I met him. Right. You know, it's just that number one nice guy. The best. He's a good guy. And number two, he was just funny at this fucking thing about him. But I've heard that about you too, where, you know, I knew about you before, you know, you Michael Chame,

and I'm like, who the fuck, I don't know who the fuck it, you know, dude, I'm, I don't, I don't, you know, I'm like, whatever, okay, Mike. No, why would you, why would you know who I am? I don't know, dude. Well, you're in, we're on, you know, it's like, you know, you know, Major League Baseball, you know, you, you, when the new guy comes in, when you're in the when you're in

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what you're in you're fucking in you're part of the union man But what's that like to for you like now when you see guys like people tell you Tough crap. I wanted to you know what I wanted to be one of you guys, you know like people that started because it's that long ago It feels like ten years. It wasn't a lot of time ago Yeah, but it doesn't it doesn't feel that way, you know. It's, I don't know, man. I mean, I think as comics were all fucked up, self-esteem-wise anyway, so I don't care.

I mean, I don't know. Like, you talk to a guy like Chris Rock, he's like, yeah, you probably, you should want to hang with me, you know. He's got that swagger, you know what I mean? I don't know, dude. I don't know. I mean, it doesn't feel, dude. I don't know. I mean, it doesn't feel okay.

You know what I mean? It's like cool, but it's not, you don't want to, you know, I don't know, dude. I don't fucking know. You forget that people are watching, but you also forget that, you know, like me, when back in Boston, when I was watching Steve Swini and Don Gavin kill, I was in the lurks watching like, oh my God. And that's what the seller's like. Yeah.

But then, you know, you move out and you move on and sometimes you move above. And that's like, then you look back at that like shit. You know, I mean, like it's, it's, we mean Keith, I always talk about you, motherfuckers, you little young lions. Like we're the old lions, we got a scar, one foot don't work. Yeah, that table getting younger. Yeah, you guys are cool to us now. Right. You don't I mean, but there'll be a day when you come up and go look motherfucker,

you gotta go. Yeah. You gotta, well I'll be sitting at the table and you'll walk in and S.D. will go Robert, and I'll have to get out and move Where SD will be like Robert could you please and not even just me my wife and my kid Can you please take your family and leave Michael and then Sota would like to sit down? but But I like it too though like I have a lot of you guys I you know people sometimes ask you know you why you want to have your friends, you know, Norton, Colin, first of all, they're busy,

but second of all, I like having you guys on because you have a totally different perspective on the, you guys are still having fun. Yeah, this is fun. You know what I mean? I feel like I'm spending someone else's money. Really? That's what it feels like doing comedy,

like doing shit like this. Yeah. I don't know, I can't believe I get to do this. Everybody's mad too that I'm Kelly. I was just talking to her. She couldn't make it. She was working this. I did this show.

I'm not in town next week. I gotta go have a fucking baby shower. I'm having a baby. Oh, congratulations. I got it. Thank you. You having a baby shower for the whole weekend? No, I gotta go do shows.

And then next week I gotta go to Boston on Sunday for a baby shower. I whole weekend. No, I gotta go do shows. And then next week I gotta go to Boston on Sunday for a baby shower. I gotta stay until Tuesday. It's not a baby shower if it's your baby though. It's like you're going for it. It's like your baby shower. Yeah, but it's not my baby shower though. You feel like you're going to like someone invited you?

It's not my baby shower though. Oh, it's not. It is mine, but it's not mine. It's for my wife. It's not for me. I don't get anything. It's the baby does. Yeah, my wife, it's not for me. I don't get anything. This baby does. Yeah, the baby does, but the baby gets shit

that he's not gonna need in fucking six weeks. That's true. I mean, you know there's a car seat, an infant car seat, and then there's one, you have to throw that out and get another one. Yeah, baby's a very wasteful. It's fucking unbelievable, the wasteful. I mean, there are wasteful.

This, this, this does does does everything you get You're gonna have to re get yeah, they're like little RMB singers Everything has to be perfect for them. Yeah, you don't have kids right? No, oh good. Oh, no kids I would make me happy if you had the kid. No, I don't I don't have kids. I'm glad and I don't know kids. I would make me happy if you had the kid. No, I don't have kids. I'm glad. And I don't know if that sounds bad, but I'm glad that I don't have kids. Well, look dude, I didn't want kids for, I think 20 years of my career.

I looked at people with kids like what the fuck? Yeah. But then I got married. And if you get married, I think you should have a kid. I mean, there's no reason to be married. Just fucking live together. Well, you get that, like, that what's wrong with you if you're married with no kids. I don't know.

It just, dude, I fucking, I never wanted to be married. I just wanted to do comedy and bang. And then something happened. What happened? I don't know, dude. I don't know, but some, some, you'll roll over and look at the check that you're living with Yeah, your girl and something happens. I don't know. I always equated it to giving up I

Always in my head was like when you get married that's when you give up on your dreams That's when you give up on you you're actually, that's your... I'm gonna hate this. Well, I'll, I'll, I'll follow through. There's a, there's a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Okay. I always thought it was giving up. Like, that was your bee plan. Yeah. Having another human being to back you up. But what happens is, it actually, for me at least, it made me more honest.

It actually took away a B plan and it was like, this is all I have. I got my chick and I have to, I have responsibility now. I have to fucking, I don't have any more games to play. I'm not drinking. I'm not using drugs. I'm not banging bras, I'm not fucking around all night. It's done. I'm done, and the only thing I got left is my chick, who I give a shit about, and she's my soldier, and she's literally the only one that gives a fuck about me.

The only one who legitimately gives a fuck if I live or die. I have some friends, I got a couple of friends, and then I have benefit friends, which are those ones when you die, they do a benefit for you, and that's about it. They'll show up and do 10 minutes of... They'll do 10 minutes, as long as it doesn't cut

into their ticket pricing in that area, where it depends on what you do, the gig. You know what I mean, those motherfuckers, I can't do the show, because I'm doing a show there in October, and I don't wanna fuck up my ticket sales, really. Yeah. So, but then I found out that it, for me,

it made me a better comic. It made me a better comic and now having the kid was like literally, I would look at guys walking around New York with that polo that doesn't fit. Cause they haven't bought a new shirt in around two years cause it all goes to the baby. They got that fwop sweat. They got some dirty carriage and some type of juice

on the knuckles from fucking cleaning the kid. And yeah, it fucking scares me. And this is a happy start. Yeah, I guess so, man. Most of you what happens? I could always leave her. No, you can't. I could leave her.

No, man. I think marriage, I think marriage is one of the, want to do it once yeah, I do I wait look I made this broadway 10 years and then I and now it's been over 15 years You've been together about probably 11 years. I made this broadway I mean I waited I just got out of relationship. I live with somebody for we live together for eight years Jesus Christ years it's common law. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, that's like gay marriage and it's and then nothing just and it was just done You know so that's what who ended that she did why she wanted to show it she was she know that you were actually doing well in your career Stupid just do it broad.. She got things got better immediately

Did what you know what it is? I think it was more we we were done and I'm the kind of guy I'm a I'm a comfort guy like just if I'm in a situation for long enough as bad as it is This is this is my situation and I'm just like you know, it is what it is. I got one sex big of the fucking devil Hello, baby Hello, hi, how you doing? I'm doing a I'm doing a podcast right now. We were just talking about marriage Are you doing a podcast? Yeah, I'm just yeah, I just took that Michael Che you know Michael Cheyes I'm Michael I just yeah, I just took that uh Michael Che, you know Michael Che is I don't

I'm Michael Che Hello, how you doing? I'm good, I'm good Congratulations on the baby Thank you He he he he's now he's never we see never getting married I know I want to get married once but I want to make sure it sticks Yeah, he's uh He's right at you see, never getting married? I, no, I wanted to get married once, but I want to make sure it sticks. Yeah, he's, he's right at the beginning of his career.

Yeah, it's just a memory. Memma me around 15 years ago, baby. What a piece of shit I was. Yeah, I remember. She met me with head hair. Oh man. I had fucking abs. Good old days.

Oh, I was just fucking energetic. I used to go up and just kill. Just horseshit. Just walk off. She went to my show phone love now. Now I'm bald fat. I just had an eye operation. Yeah, well, you won, honey.

You won. I won, I know. I got you. I used to fuck. All right. I got to go. I got to do this. All right.

I'll see you later. You near the studio. You want to come by? to do this to do I'll see you later. All right, you want to you near the studio you want to come by and No, I'm on the upper west side. All right. Hey, honey. Yeah Well, you still have fun That's only good fucking good hot hang up on your wife Let me let me just go back a little bit, dude, because, you know, like you are this fucking guy that came out of nowhere, dude. And I mean, no joke. I don't like really doing interviews with dudes,

but I gotta kind of set this up because you've been doing comedy for how long? Three years. All right, where the fuck did you come from? I've always wanted to do comedy, man I always wanted to do I was just a friend. What did you do before comedy? I used to paint paint what I used to paint pictures I went to like art school then high school and I didn't go to college So I used to do like I just taught myself how to paint better just by myself and

Here an artist. Yeah, he's a cell paintings and shit. What do you mean, cell paintings? I love that you do. He's a cell paintings and shit. No, yeah, he's a cell painting. I use a paint a bunch of pictures and shit of rock stars and all kinds of stuff. Really? And then I, um, were you successful at that?

Uh, I mean, did you make money? I made a living like a decent. So you made a fuck, first of all, the fact that you're blowing off making a decent living as an artist in New York City like that's not a fucking huge I used to so I used to make I used to make a little bit of money I started selling t-shirts I would like paint pictures on t-shirts and sell them on a street right and then I met Tommy Hill figure son

Right and he bought some shirts off for me and he introduced me to his dad and shit and They wanted me to they were coming out with a clothing line. And they actually asked, he asked me to do freelance work for a hill figure. And I did it for a little while then I started selling my own stuff and stores and I started selling t-shirts and stores but then I didn't have a lot of startup money.

So a lot of the business I I would take these huge hits. Where I'd be broke because I was using my own money. And I kind of really depressed me. So I got to a point where I was like, you know what, I didn't know what I wanted to do anymore. I just felt drained as an artist. And I was like, I can't do this shit no more. I just can't.

Yeah. So I was like, well, I'm going to try everything I was ever wanted to try. I was always going to try comedy. I'm going to just try. I got real drunk one day, did an open mic, and I just kept doing comedy. Like it was just, dude, cuz he was like a language of clicks.

You know, you're just like, oh, I can do it. Even though you're not good, you know, I can do it, you know. I can get good at this. It makes sense. Yeah, but you're one of the funniest guys, like the new guys around. I mean, everybody that, I mean, I'm gonna go and smoke up your ass.

I appreciate that. Everybody's like this motherfucker And you're walking to a room like we did that benefit for Mary one of the waitresses He's like the answer right right and you know you walked in in the room of hammers man I mean everybody was I mean everybody was you know pretty much that couple guys bombed But that crowd was they were all right, but they were a little fucking weird fucking They were a little type but you walked in and just fuck You were a benefit crowd Yeah, benefit right But you killed it, you walked in and fucking killed it

No, that was fun I had fun You know what, I accept your humbleness as legitimate, I'll tell you why Okay Dan Soda's humbleness is poor shit Because he's not humble Yours I actually can tell because you're actually, you're making me uncomfortable with it.

No, it's not humble. It's just, you know, as a performer, everything, you only hear what went wrong. So anytime somebody says you do something good, you always hear like, oh, no, I had fucking had one thing didn't go right. You're not working on something. You're only doing a set for one joke,

a new thing that you're working. So you hear it differently. So when people say something nice, you're like, yeah, thanks for that wasn't what I wanted. It blows me away though, that you were a fucking successful. Can people still buy your art? No, it's gone. I would, I wasn't like that.

It wasn't like a, you know, I didn't have a gallery backing me and shit, I would paint it and sell it. And but I would make a lot of money on the streets. I would make like, I could make like $6,700 in a day or something like that. Which for a 22 year old, 23 year old pain, and that's plenty, you know, I could just... A lot of money.

Yeah, it was decent, you know. And you lived in downtown. I lived in Jersey. You lived in Jersey. I lived in Jersey then, yeah. But now you live downtown. No, now I live in Queens. Are you living Queens?

I thought you lived in... I'm from Lower East Side. You're from downtown. Yeah, my whole family's from... You're from downtown. Yeah, my whole family is from... You're from Manhattan. Yeah, I'm from Manhattan. You're an original fucking... Yeah, a morality.

I mean, people grew up in... Which is strange now. Especially in comedy. It's strange that when I was younger, New Yorkers were from New York. Everybody in New York was from New York. It seemed like just 15 years ago nobody's from New York anymore. Nobody's from New York. Everybody in New York was from New York. It seemed like just 15 years ago, nobody's from New York anymore. Nobody's from New York.

Everybody's gone. That's why I'm so excited. My kid's gonna be born in Manhattan. Yeah, that's kind of cool. Where were you born, Manhattan? I can't, he's gonna be a fucking New Yorker. That's gonna be awesome. Yeah, that's cool.

I was born in University Hospital. That's crazy. So, you're from Manhattan? I'm from Boston. Okay. I mean, I love Boston. I would love for my kid to be born in Boston too, but I would love him to be born in Boston.

Not like, you know, I was born in Maldon. Right, that's true. You know, where were you born? Maldon, where's that? You know, but if I were to say it, where were you born in Boston? No shit, you know, Manhattan. You can say New York,

but if you mean Albany, go fuck yourself. Yeah, right, right, right. That's not cool. But to say, where were you born, Manhattan, you can say New York, but if you mean Albany, go fucking say it. Yeah, right, right, right. That's not cool. But to say, where are you going, Manhattan? What? Syracuse. No, you have to come from Manhattan. Yeah, Del Hike, go suck a dick.

But that's just fucking crazy to me, because most people, not to compare myself to you at all, but I went to college for two years for fine arts. And I painted and that's what I was gonna do. I wanted to be an art teacher. Oh really? That's all I wanted to do was be an art teacher. I went to La Guardia on 65th Street, right?

Music and art. And that's where I learned how to paint. Right. And I wanted to go to art school, but at my grade, I wasn't a good student. I was completely checked out of school by like. You know, I was completely checked out of school, by like 15, 16, I was completely checked out. So I would just paint and I just got good at it.

Like I found something, I don't know, something clicked and I just got good and then I got bad, where I just didn't, nothing I did look good. And then, you should fuck it. Yeah, and you went on stage. So I wanted to try something else, else and and now two three years later Three it was October 2009 2009 so like it's like three and a half years three and a half years ago You stepped on stage and now I'd never been on stage for anything nothing nothing like where was it?

I've nip right on a block of whatc Cb's Cb was it was comedy corner then yeah, that's open Mike six o'clock open Mike Wayne Wayne put you on he wasn't there was a it was a comic open Mike so you had a pay five dollars again I'll say five dollars. You know I scouted it the week before the next week I came and I was like I'm gonna do it I got drunk and I did it makes me fucking angry that they make comics pay to get on stage But you know I did it like every day You paid every day I paid every day sometimes twice because I didn't know I knew I looked up open mics in the city There was a list of open mics that you go. I didn't you don't because comedy

You don't know how to do it. It's not like you need to take a class or you just find an open mic and just do it until somebody tells you Hey, there's another way, you know? Yeah, but when I was coming up, you put your name on a list and you got on. And if you did good, they actually say much come back. There was, there were places like that, but I didn't know of any. Yeah, you went to the...

You know, like if you don't know any comedians, you don't know shit. You have no idea how comedy works. Like, do you go, I didn't know if you go to a club and you had to know any comedians, you don't know shit. You have no idea how comedy works. I didn't know if you go to a club and you had to impress a booker, if you had to audition to perform, I didn't know none of that stuff. I just knew that they was open mics. Of course, $5, you get five minutes. Right.

Jesus, a dollar a minute. That's motherfucking gross. So it's easy to be humble. When three years ago, you were paying to get on stage for five minutes. And then it's easy to be humble. When three years ago you were paying to get on stage for five minutes, you know, and then you, it's different. But here's a deal too though, is that it's not even like them charging five dollars a minute. Yeah.

What are you gonna have 15 guys on? Yeah. It's not even worth them. It's pretty bad. You're not even, if you were charging a hundred and then you were making, you know what I mean? You were making, right? Yeah, if you were making some serious cash off

of your mother fuckers, okay, I got to understand it. But you're not even making that much money off these mother fuckers. You're just making them give you like cab money. You're making, you're taking away their dignity for cab money, which fucking annoys me You know what just let them just let the fuck let us go on for nothing. Yeah, they should pay you They should at least give at least give away a few spots for free because it gives you I I believe that when you make a comic pay,

okay, number one, you're allowing shit comics to filter in. Yeah. Because when you're saying that if you pay money, you're allowing anybody to walk up with $5. Right. That's what would happen. Right, when you make it like, okay, you have to pay, but three spots of free in those for the funny motherfuckers.

Then you kind of filter, you know, you give somebody to work, you know, somebody something to work for. They did have like a joke of the night thing where you get your money back if you told the person who had the funniest joke would get that money. But that was the comedian that ran the mic. You know, I don't know if you know the,

it was Amy Carlson's mic, you know Amy Carlson? No. Amy Carlson, she's from New York too, I think but um, yeah I mean, you know like the comedians don't do it. It's the the place that that they run the mic and they tell them well You got to bring it. Did you ever win money or whatever joke of the night? Yeah, I wanted a couple times You know what you do. Would you do it? You're five bucks. I? Probably went and did another mic really Yeah, probably went right back into the pot. So that's all you're doing now.

That was all I would do. I would do like two to three, two to three a day, every day I would come into the state. I was just addicted to comedy. Still. See here's the thing, man. I wish I, you do lose that. You know, you kind of, I mean, how do I fucking say this though?

It's something like a sadby fucking pushwack. You, when you cut. You can set up a suit. No, it's a sad man. This is interesting man. This is, I like shit like this because, you know, I remember being addicted. I remember coming down.

I remember fucking running into burr on the sixth train. It's 120 in the subway. Yeah. He's going uptown to do a spot. I just came downtown talking through a fucking gate. Yeah. We're just sweating. You know, we got three more spots each that night. And it's like, I'll see you later at the apartment. And, you know, we'll fucking around, you know, three o'clock in the morning, you wind up at a diner with Patrice and me and Norton

and Voss and, you know, the birds are chirping by the time you get home. And, you know, I already, you know, I did six or seven spots a night. I remember that ship and it's like all of a sudden and it scares me. That's the part of marriage and having a baby that scares you is that you, I didn't like my fucking apartment. I didn't like my, I didn't have a home life. I didn't have anything to be home to. You know what I mean? So it's like, I wanted to stay the fuck out all night with these motherfuckers and do comedy and laugh and giggle

and try to get pussy or whatever and go home for the shortest amount of sleep and then get the fuck up and go out again. Now it's like, dude, I got a beautiful apartment. I love that success can literally put out that fire. Rocky three. Yeah, you're a Apollo Creed, motherfucker. You're trying to fuck my wife.

No, but it's one of those things where you're like, all I am is hungry because I started I was 26 the first time and you just want to make up so much ground. You have that chip on your shoulder. I want to do comedy as much. I want to do as much as possible. I always feel like I wish I started when I was 17. I wish I never did anything else but comedy the whole time.

For me, so like I'm at a pace where I just want to get good. I just want to get better and keep getting on stage. It's different. Yeah, what the fuck, you get a lot of shit going on too. Yeah, it's all, to me, it's just, I just want an hour, man. You want an hour special three years in? No, I just want an hour, man. You want an hour special three years in? Now, I don't want an hour special. I want an hour material. I want the hour material that I'm like, this is fucking blitzkrieg. Right. I can be, I can be up there for an hour,

but I want the hour like that's that I'm like, you know what? Somebody see this shit, they don't want to start comedy. Right.'ve seen how it was that made me wanna start comedy, you know? So that's what I want, you know? So you want your first hour of fucking. I want the shit. Right. And it sounds to me like,

I mean, you're gonna, you're, this took me and the certain guys every once in a while. And this is what kills me is that, you know, it doesn't happen all the time. But the me is that, you know, it doesn't happen all the time. But the certain guys that, you know, fucking kind of float past certain things that everybody else has to go through, some guys don't have to go through. And you're like one of those guys, you know, but then again, that's not a bad thing. I think, look, my best friend,

you know, Dane, at the time, you know, I'm sitting there with this dude in a comedy improv group. And he's starting, you know, some, you know, some of the biggest manager in New York City at the time, Barry Katz, who had, uh, Wanda Sykes, uh, Jim Gaffigan, Jim Brewer, Dave Chappelle, Jim Brewer, Dave Chappelle, Jay Moore, I mean that's his lineup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tells Dane, the dude in my comedy group, once you come to New York, I'm gonna make you a star. You know what I mean? And all of a sudden, he's just, I'm in an I-hop.

I have in pancakes, this motherfucker's in Manhattan and a high rise. I mean, some people were like, what the fuck? But I was like, that's fucking great. But you know, it's also comedy where you know as fast as you don't know how long it's going to be. You don't know how long you're going to be hot. You don't know what I have no frame of reference for any of this shit. So I'm just taking what they give me, you know, is that your girl? All right. Hang on. Let me get. All right. So your girl? I hang on, let me get it. Alright, we're back. Alright, so your girl just came up.

Yeah, but... You're just freaking sounding so down for. No, she's beautiful woman. She's straight. There's a mic there if you want to talk and do it. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Is that bother you that I just did that?

No, it doesn't bother me at all, but we literally just had a conversation. Oh. She's apparently she's never been on radio before. It doesn't bother me at all, but we literally just had a conversation. She's apparently she's never been on radio before. My God, she just literally just broke the mic. Now that this thing flexes down. Yeah, pull that down. There you go. You want your help or you asshole? Because it's funny when that's right.

You're right. I'm an asshole. I just hung up on my wife to get a chuckle out of you. I now turn that into you to where you mouth is Okay, just speak into this Mike, I love that you guys are gonna get an argument over my fucking show That you know talk like into them. You got to eat the mic like turn it like this Yeah, like that right exactly now pull it up a little bit it like this. Yeah. Like that. Right. Exactly. Now pull it up a little bit. There you go. Up a little more. And now you talk right into it. Let me hear you. Easy, Bobby. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Go ahead. Can you hear me? We got you. Can you hear you? Yeah. Yeah. We got you. Yeah. I know. I really was. I didn't even realize I had to pull it up. Up a little more. Sorry, dude. I found it filthy. You did right. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That was being punk for a moment. Jesus Christ. Now, I'm very respectful of, I have that weird fucking

Boston white guy code. He respects somebody's chick. Yeah, that's a good code. I think that's just a street thing. Yeah, it's definitely a street code. We, you know, no matter what you respect your friendship, until they break up and then you can do whatever you want to. Yeah, then it's a long one.

I remember one night, dude, we were down at the cellar. It was me, Patrice, Norton, Keith. Yeah. And I love Burr, it was there and not. But this girl who came down a couple like a week ago sat down hooked up with Voss this regular civilian girl comes down pretty girl Like Jersey type check, you know what I mean big nose crazy hair, but smoking body, you know She sits down talks to Voss. We all let it go down, and then they kind of hook up, like they're going out on dates.

So whatever Vos is out of town, she comes down by herself and sits at the table. And we're all like, what the fuck? She would be on the mission. Well, she sits down, like, she loves comedy, loves, you know, bend to the shows a lot. But, you know, so Patrice was like, we were talking, we let it go for the while. Patrice is like, then all of a sudden he goes,

you know, he always clears throat. You know when he goes, there's something foul, it's like someone's about to get a hot one because he's pacing, he's just trying to, and he goes, excuse me, and he uses that big finger he's got points in her face you know his uh... is rich common is rich around rich vass and she's like uh... no no no he's a ways on the road and in you're just so he's not he's not coming you know you're not you're not rich isn't coming down tonight you're not meeting rich at the table she's like no no no i just thought i come down i love you guys at hang out and you know he's on the road right now table. She's like, no, no, no, I just thought I'd come down. I love you guys that hang out.

And, you know, he's on the road right now. And I said, he's like, okay, are you giving him pussy? She's like, excuse me. Are you fucking rich? Are you talking his dick? Are you giving him pussy? And she was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, and because if you ain't, you need,

you need to get the fuck out. You need to leave. Who was she there to see? She was just chilling. She was just chilling. And then Keith was like, yeah, you don't need brass. Go in from, from Voss. That's the only why you get to sit here is one of, because if you're giving Voss pussy, you're in unless you ain't.

And if you're gonna, you can give one of us pussy, then you can stay. But if not, you got to beat it. And she was like, she was laughing trying to laugh it off Because she knows all of us very But she's like yeah, but she's like no no no no really you need to fucking beat it if you ain't fucking him or one of us You can't just sit here and hang out. You can't just become friends with us Your donny bros go in because of him And then he kept going and then she started crying. She turned, I remember she turned away and then she turned back,

well, you don't, you just leave. And she, I mean, the whole restaurant went silent. This bra was crying and we were all looking at it like, oh, shit. And then she stood up she goes I'll just go and never come back and she walks out and then all of a Here is good for you beat it and we just all started applauding. She showed you Then that's the cool thing is like uh, not just that cool

But it's that's the always the funniest part when they make it seem like, I'll show you, now I'll never come back. You'll be sorry. You're like, no, that's what we asked you. She never came back. And Voss never got, he called me, what'd you do? I was trying to bang her, now she won't even return my phone. I was very close. We fucked it up for him.

Fucking assholes we are. But now I was laughing because you were arguing when you said we were arguing in a car a little bit she was mad at me because someone asked if we were dating oh well here's the thing though I wasn't the question she asked what am I to you?

see that's even more sister manager what was it? was it a hot girl? look if it's a fat girl with a fang tooth you might I don't think you would have gave a fuck If it was some fat college white girl of freckles eating a twinkie you would have what is he to you? You'd be like he well, I don't know She cute, but she's cool like she's you know But it's not it's not like that

So you got mad though it's like mother No, I didn't get mad. Well, he should let people know who you are. It's a little awkward when you get introduced without a title. Well, how long you been dating? No, I'm asking you. How long you been dating? Two months.

Oh shit, you want a title at two months? No, I'm not in. Hang on a second, are you from royalty? That's, now I'm not doing that. Hang on a second. Are you from royalty? Yeah. That's it. Now I'm kidding. Listen. No, it's just weird that you don't have a title

of front something. But can I say something? It's too much as a weird title. That's a weird title state though. It is. It is. This is great. I mean, I'm not saying like you don't care about title.

You can't just say someone's name. You have to say this. My friend, this is something. Not have to say this is my friend. This is something not. Oh, what's after friend? No, all right, give me three examples of what he could have said. That would have made you feel comfortable.

That's a good question. What? I mean, I feel comfortable with, well, I don't want you to just say my name. Like this is some, you know, okay, well give me three examples of like what he could have. Yeah, what is it? All right, he's my, this is my friend. This is, I well give me three examples of like what he could have. Yeah, what is it? All right, this is my friend.

This is, I'll give you three examples. You tell me if you're okay with these. This is my friend. What's your name again, I forget? Saida. Saida. This is my friend Saida, or this is my girl Saida,

or this is my chick that might be my chick, maybe, if she goes right in four months, Saida. Which one would you rather perform? I mean, I'm okay with friend right now. You're a good with friend. So he didn't even introduce you to anybody as, he just said this is exciting. But I always think that, I always think that,

I think that friend or somebody like dating is implied. If you introduce me to, Dude, you need another beer? This one? No, I'm good. You good? I'm good. I don't wanna see you get those stuff, If you introduce me to do you need another beer I don't want to see you get that those stuff like the white stuff in the corner your mouth like charade Just because you're getting nervous

Oh go ahead Shut up to charade I think it's a play we say, you know, you should say something. Here's the thing. I have no other to say it. Everyone comes to me when you're not around. I'm going to tell you, were we on a set? Where was this first of all?

A set. A set of what? It was a TV show. All right, a TV show. Here you go. You ready? Now when... This isn't the first time that it happened either.

Saida. Listen, listen. Let's all right. Put your phone down. You like one of those fucking girls at my show? No, I was just texting that you're funny. I was making sure that it's off. I don't want to get this.

Oh, you're the best. Oh, that's very nice. See what a good person. It's the best. There's a deal. Let's not get carried away. You've known her two months. Let's not get... Lizzie. It took me 10 years to call my chick the best. Don't get fucking out of your mind.

She's a look at now. You shut your mouth. First of all, she's really smoking hot. She's gonna cute laugh. She got a great smile. Do not listen to me. Slow the fucking roll on my phone. No, I'm just trying.

No, you'll thank me too. You don't want this shit too quick either. You wanna make sure that this motherfucker, you don't want him to tell you what you wanna hear. You wanna make sure when he tells it to you, you know it's fucking real. I used to tell my chick all the time. She used to get mad that I had that joke in my act

about a tour, I didn't tell her I missed her. She'd be like, do you miss me? I'd be like, I just left. I've been gone for two days. I'm not in Iraq. I'll be back on Monday, motherfucker. Why do I miss you? I'm, I see.

We got a good rhythm going. Yeah. It's like, I ain't going fucking doing a tour of war. I'll be back Monday. It's Friday. Relax. No. I'm actually happy.

I haven't seen your face in three days. But the reason why I wouldn't do that I wouldn't give her what she wanted you know You know what I was expected because when I did say it the fuck I missed you when I did go I miss you She went hold she made a cry like when I said I loved you to her I didn't say that shit all the time. I wouldn't say it. I love you. I love you too I would never say I love you too because when I did I'd be like cool because when I did say I love you, I love you too. I would never say I love you too. Because when I did, I'd be like, cool. Because when I did say I love you, it fucked her up emotionally.

Like, you know what I mean? Like my mom used to say I love you all the time. And then the day my father said it, and this is, it was in my act, but in true story, at my graduation in high school, my third father, who was probably my real father, who actually raised me, he came up and goes, I wanna tell you something,

I'm proud of you and I love you, son. I fucking lost my shit. I mean, I could cry right now thinking about it. Like, cause he never said it, but when he said it, I knew he meant it. You know what I'm saying? That's the, so when he, you don't want him to fucking, oh yeah, you're the one right now,

you wanna be realistic with it. I don't want that. But I understand when you're coming from, when you're on a set, first of all, a television set, any type of set. Right. Okay, someone who's coming in on your cloud card, she's there, my wife comes on a set,

she's there on my cloud card. I gotta make sure, number one, everybody knows that she's there, she represents me. So treat her the way you treat me. Number two, you got a, people are gonna know that she's with you. She's not just some chick. Definitely, that's, I don't, I think that's always clear.

No, how many fucking TV shows do you shoot? Always, what do you mean always? No, I mean, I'm kidding. She came, she came a couple of times. So, you know, it's like they, they know. I think they were just kind of trying to see. It was just just that you know, they don't know if I'm your assistant They don't know if I'm your manager. They don't know you should tell people you should tell somebody like this is my assistant if they're my assistant You know, but I would I would if they were my assistant like this is my assistant or this is my manager

Whatever like you introduce that first, but if it's someone you're dating you don't say oh this is because that's an awkward everybody knows That's an awkward. You don't want to let the title is you don't want to leave Mike You don't want the other hot chicks on the shoot know that you're taking so why No, wait a minute. What would you say like if I went to you if I want to if I want some place in you what do you what do you do for work right now? I'm a lady of leisure I'm gonna I'm gonna shut the pot. I'm gonna shut the pot.'m gonna shut the pot. I'm gonna shut the podcast off right now. I'm gonna leave. Let me know when I can come back. My stomach hurts right now. Why? What the fuck is a lady of leisure? Okay, so I talked to me when I was working. I did production. Okay, in the fashion

industry. So, okay, you were in production. What is a lady of leisure? You're not working. I've been working for a really, really, really long time. So you take Okay, and the fashion industry so okay you're in production of what what is the lady of leisure you're not working Well, I've been working for a really really really long time So you take it some time off. Yeah, the contract So you can't that's not the case the Proposition of relocating and I the city didn't work for me. So that's how so right now you're not working right you're waiting You're not rushing back into it because you got some cash. Yes, exactly.

So you're just taking your time and make sure that when you go back, it's something you want to do. Exactly. It's not because of the contract. I'm going to come. I'm going to say that when I take a couple weeks off from coming, I'm going to call myself a lady of leisure. No, that's words.

You want to be a lady of leisure. I want to be a lady of leisure. I want to. I want to take that beer. Yeah, can you? I want to get off of that. You see, you don't want to be a lady of leisure. I want to take that beer. Yeah, can you get off of that? We, you don't want to be here? There's wine in there if you want to break it out or there's water, whatever you want. It's in that fridge right behind you.

So, that is a good question though. What would you call him? I would just say this is my what? You, I would be like, you're my sweetheart. Is that too intense But that's kind of cool I was good You can't say that about I can't look it this is my sweetheart I'd throw up on your fucking new jeans if you said that this is is my, I'd rather, I'd rather hear this

in my lady, a leisure, and then pull out a sword and bow. It's my sweet heart. Yeah, that's weird to say. I mean, it's a good answer for you, but for me, what about this is my sweet heart? Is that the most obnoxious thing in the world? Let me ask you a question. Is she your girl?

Yep. You guys are dating. We're dating, we're dating. It's no, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, you got, let me tell you right off the bat, you guys seem cute together. You guys like each other. You can tell right off the bat,

because she ain't getting real mad. You know, like you always tell when a girl is fucking nuts when they get too, they get real mad. She ain't getting mad. She, I mean, she's mad. You're gonna hear about this after the show, but she's, she's cool.

So, so you're not gonna have babies. You wanna, you wanna baby with Michael? No, she's mad. You're gonna hear about this after the show, but she's cool. So you're not gonna have babies. You wanna baby with Michael? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't even answer that shit. Whatever she would like this, yep. I need a drink, man. Right behind you, sweetie, there's a bar.

So you use two months, man. Two months is like, I'm fucking new. Yes, new. And like two months, yes, new. And you got a thoroughbred. And like two months, yes, no. And you and you got it. You got a thoroughbred. You know that, right?

Do I mean tell you? Nobody told you. You don't even know. No, I don't. You don't even know. My wife, my wife, my wife got the one that was supposed to win the race, but then broke his knee.

You know what I mean? And kind of came back. And I might come back like like I might have one more comeback where they put some crazy shit. Like I get a certain trainer and they put some shit on my knee and they do, and then I win one last big race and then I get three times.

This motherfucker is a thoroughbred. No, I'm not. Listen, listen to me, listen to me. Get pregnant. Listen to me. I'm kidding, don't get pregnant. You're probably gonna be. pregnant. Listen to mom get it. I'm kidding. Don't get pregnant. Impossible.

I can't make his. What? I used to wear tight shoes. I can't do it, dude. I can't do it, dude. Tight shoes, how big is your dick? Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, man.

Oh, yeah, this is new, man. But this guy is, I mean you, you know, and she's, I mean, you're lucky now, too, though. She seems like she's got, well, yeah, this is no man, but this this guy is I mean you know, it's a and she's I mean you're lucky now too though She seems like she's got uh, she's great. She's got a career too. It's not like just a you know a chick working a fucking Whole food She's great. She's not I'm not kidding. Yeah, yeah, what do you live? A Philly now you live in Philly. Oh shit dump her man. What I'm kidding. What are you from Philly? I'm not in Philly? Oh shit, dump her man. What? I'm kidding. Are you from Philly? I'm not from Philly. Okay, keeper, keeper.

Now, where are you from? Originally from North Carolina, but I lived in Jersey for- So you live in Philly? So how the fuck does that work? I'm out of Philly. At a comedy club? Helium? No, a laughhouse.

This laughhouse? Yeah, I remember it a bit. It's black. Oh shit. It's like a black club. Right, it was Yeah. I don't remember what it is. Black. Oh shit. Black club. Right. Was it on Tuesdays? No, it was a weekend.

It was a weekend. Black clubs were on Tuesdays and like Sunday afternoon. No, yeah. Chocolate Tuesday. Yeah. But it sold the fuck out and it's the best show you've ever done. Everybody is dressed in like they're going to prom. Yeah, it looks it looks like it looks like a any Murphy movie from the like the early 90s People always walk and talk about black audiences, which is so weird because I was the top-dinner worst

Which is true it could be but it's also you'll never kill harder than for a room full of black people It's impossible like they can make the paints come off the wall, man. It's the, I remember we used to have Boston comedy club had Sunday nights and I was fucking. Fuck, man, I was scared of doing it. I was fuck, look, man, I'm from Boston. I was fucking scared. We didn't have any black comb.

There was do Boston's racist. They didn't have black night at comedy clubs. It was white night or every night. And when we came here and then they do that, it sold out two shows around the fucking corner. And I remember they would put me on at the end. I remember the first night they put me on. They turned the they went, all right, thank you, good night. Turn the lights on and then said, oh shit, we one more Oh, and they kept bumping me after comments who kill kill kill Dagger good night. Oh shit. We fucked up hang on people little you stood up

And they had to sit back down and then they didn't even turn the lights off and I had to go back up Well how to go a kill of course, but it was fucking nuts But your heart is pounding on to your chest until you fucking get that joke out and then you see Ha shit. It's like oh this guy's funny. And then once they give it up You're like what the fly am I playing other rooms, but it's always petrifying you'll never you'll never bomb harder and you'll never kill harder Like it's in a black room. It's just... It's either or. It's either or. If you're funny, it's either or. And that's what's petrified.

I like black audiences because it's honest space. And they really expect honesty. And. And you're black. And I'm black. That one. And yeah, I wonder. I mean...

But that's not always the case though. That's not always the type of... Black audiences don't like just black comics. No, they don't. They like honest comics, man. And they like, if you're really honest and you're in your good performer, they will, they will be, they'll, they'll attach to that.

Yeah, they don't, you can't get corny shit by a black crowd. No, you can't. They'll, they'll, they'll see that shitty media. Yeah, they, like, um, they sniff bullshit. Yeah, they, they'll sniff it and they'll sniff fear. Even good comics that are honest, if they're afraid, they get it. They get it and you're done.

Cause then they're gonna be like, it's a very alpha male a crowd. And I remember I was in Buffalo. Oh God, the worst, one of the worst, terrifying gig. It was an underground black club. Buffalo, you said? It was in Buffalo, Matt Frost, you work with Matt? Yeah, yeah. Love Matty. Yeah, I love I love Matt and you know, I've been with him for 15 years and when I when I was you when

I was the young motherfucker in New York and I'd go anywhere I just love comedy. I'll fucking do whatever. Frouche, I don't give a shit. They gave me a free bed. They you know, they didn't have let me give me money for a train. Oh my God. I was fucking and he says, I got this room up in Buffalo. I had to take a train back when you could smoke on a train. That a smoking car. It was the shit. At certain point out of the city, it's they were like, all right, you can smoke in this car right now. And everybody went there. It was card games going on on the track. It was fucking nuts. I get up to the.

Hard couple episode. It was fucking weird, right? I get up there. The guy that picks me up, legitimate Pimp. This guy is, he's got a fucking, remember when Big Gold Chains were in? Yeah. He had a fucking medallion.

I don't know what it was. I think it was a lion's head. And Buffalo. And Buffalo. Pick me up in a fucking, in a big truck with a bucket of chicken wings. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

He picked, because it's, he only has black comics and the comics love the wings from this place. So he, he had a bucket of chicken wings. I'm not kidding. And he's like, all right, man, there's your wings. Most of the comics love these wings. So those are for you. It was fucking bucket of them. And he goes, all right, we'll drop you over the hotel. We'll pick you up at blah, blah,

blah. All right. I'm fucking like, I had to carry the bucket of wings in the hotel. Right? And I get up all of a sudden, 20 minutes later, I get a knock at the door. Yo, and I'm like, Oh, it's this other fucking pig black dude. He goes, yo, and he walks in. Like, he didn't even get invited. I didn't even say, come in. I was like, hey, walk the fucking laid out 25 hundred and cash on the bed, right?

That was what I was getting paid. Yeah, yeah. Laded out on the bed and cash. He goes, count it. I go, no, I'm good. I could go, fucking count it. I was like, yes, sir, one, two, three, 20, 40, 60, 80. This seems to be it. You can turn me a little Jewish accountant. I

Go to do this gig dude. It looks like I swear to God like a shit building like it look like a garage That was shut down. This is a weekend of one night one nighter in Buffalo on the outskirts in the hood the shit place. I didn't that got me that dude. That's what my own friends. I go in this fucking joy there. It's it's in it's in oh, it's like Vegas inside. It's so beautiful. Oh really?

They just redid the inside. The outside looks like shit. The inside. Unfuckin' believable. It's a packed fucking house this MC was mad that he wouldn't bring him in and he kept bringing in all these fucking dudes from New York right right and paying a money and he wouldn't give the and I come in here I am this white dude this young white kid with a

fucking goatee I look like John Lagoza almost fucked up brother right he goes up does his shit he's all mad, that he even says some shit like this motherfucker, but nah, he's probably all right, look, I go up, I fucking bomb so bad. Really, man, was it an hour? It was an hour set, dude. I got paid 20, hmm, and these guys were legitimate pimps,

like they would drug deals and pimps that open up an underground club and started doing comedy. And here I am, I'm, they already paid me. I'm fucking bombing. This guy gets up and says some shit. I go fuck, I went fuck, I didn't see what it was. I go fuck you motherfucker. I got a black, you know, that's what happens when you're white and you're in a black comedy club

and some of you fuck you motherfucker suck my dick. I just, you know what I mean? I lost my boss in accent. I was like, suck my motherfucking dick fucking dick with you know this guy came at me He's gonna kill me they had to grab him. I saw him to he looked like fucking oh He looked like Omar Had a scar you had a wife beat around he had a medallion. Yeah scars from two different fights I get I finally just say fuck I get off I do my act man. I just get off fights. Do you guys remember what happened the same day?

I finally just say, I get off. I do my act, man. I just get off. I joke about scaring people. Like, like, oh, go on. And just nothing like they're giving you, they don't pay. Dude, I lost my confidence. My ego was sucked.

You have ego and confidence, and they mix, I believe, and allow you to perform anywhere anytime. Right. And you know what I mean? And you use certain amounts of them for different situations. Right, right, right. Um, this, my ego and confidence were depleted. I had none. With every joke that I told, I lost my fucking energy, man. And I remember I came off and the MC went on and went this motherfucker I took anyone off was he killing he went up and fucking annihilated Oh, and he was like this motherfucker I hate that he fucking trash me and killed that about that's one thing

I don't I don't like him sees that like want to show up even a guy bomb It's like you're an MC you can save the show without Shitting on the guy like it's just I take it just sets So I deserved it that time I will do look man. This guy is a local guy He can't get a nickel out of these motherfuckers. Yeah, but here I come up and I'm taking a hot one I got paid money, but this is what sucked about him. This was sucked all of a sudden a big black dude came up to me a bigger black dude I just kept met and keep me the biggest black dude Yeah, the biggest black dude I met so far. There was like eight different big black dude came up to me, a bigger black dude. I just kept metin', keep metin' big black dude. Yeah, the biggest black dude, I met so far.

There was like eight different big black dudes that I met with medallions. This guy went up with a microphone and goes, you gotta go up and defend yourself. And I went, I'm good, he went, no, I'm good. He goes, you gotta. And he grabbed me by the neck. Oh, it's sad.

Not hard, but yeah. I'm going. I'm doing what he wants. Like, I'm like a dog that he liked. You know what I mean? And he pushed me up to the stage. And this kid was like, no, fuck that. He goes, don't do this to me, man.

Cause he didn't want me to get up there and trash him. He didn't know that I couldn't do it anyways, cause I was so scared and fucked up. And I had to sit there after the show for three hours in a corner and a chair. And then finally I begged, I go, dude, can you please have somebody drive me back to the hotel?

Anyway, shit. Yo, come here, give him a ride back, gave the keys to a 13 year old as nephew. And the 13 year old drove me back to the hotel in this big truck. I went upstairs, grabbed the money, put it in every orifice in my body. And I took a cab to the train station and hid.

But it was five and tens and shit. It was 20 and tens. And I hid in between a Coke machine and a water fountain until the train came. I was getting the same dude, get Omar. Dude, I was scared of all them. They knew I had that cash on me, man. And I just fucking, I literally scared of all them. They knew I had that cash on me, man And I just fucking I literally stole money from them. I stole

2500 bucks from them. You know what I mean? You know you don't think they went wait a minute So I wouldn't even put that together. I would have just left and that's probably why yeah Yeah, that you're right though. It's either bad or good. No, yeah, that's bad You're right, though. It's either bad or good. No, yes, bad. Alright! You know what else you can do besides listening to this podcast? You can support all the guys on here, including myself, the motherfucker that puts it all together every week,

by coming and seeing us live. Come see me live, do stand-up comedy. Yes, I do this amazing show and I talk and detain you for two hours once a week sometimes twice, but I do stand up comedy. So come and see it. May 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, guess where I'll be Edminton Candida. That's right, Albert comic strip at the big ass fucking mall. I will be at the House of Comedy. In that mall, the second through the fifth of May. So please get your asses out there, buy your ticket, spread the word.

May 10th and 11th, I'm at Governor's Brokridge. In Belmore, New York, very excited about that. I love that club. Really cool club. They have a lot of fun every time I'm there. So, and they treat me so good. So, make sure if you're in Long Island, Belmour New York or anywhere near there,

come down May 10th and 11th. And then I'm done, and I'm gonna have a baby. Until June 17th. No, I actually June 27th, 28th, 29th, I'm at Foxwoods. This is gonna be a fucking, you know what dude? Podcast week at, we're gonna have some surprised people from the show on the comics Foxwoods show. So make sure you stay tuned for that.

And I think they're putting together a some type of fucking crazy nasty show in Saturday night July 16th 17 18th 19th the 20th 21st 20 second 23rd 24th 25th 26 27th 28 I'm gonna be in Montreal for the Jess Falas Festival. I'm very excited to go back there. I love all those people involved. It's one of my favorite things to do in comedy. A lot of fun, great shows, great people.

So Montréal, I'm coming back Canada two times. Check that out. Right now, oh shit, I thought I almost put my pants. I mean, it's the worst fucking hotel ever in Scottsdale, Arizona, about to go to the show at this club that I've never formed at. So wish me luck. Other than that, come see my fucking shows. You have a bomb? Of course.

What was the last time you bombed? I don't know. Last time I bombed, you see that? See the cocky? That was really, it's the... It happens. You don't even remember.'re just like it's over after you bomb All right Mike listen you understand what I'm saying you're sent to you I don't I don't bomb now No, I bomb a lot, but that's that's the thing. It's like when you bomb You it almost doesn't even matter anymore, you know, you're like yeah, I bomb. That wasn't even yeah the last

The one the biggest one last the one the the biggest one was the one I told her about it. It was a newer. A newer New Jersey at the key club with this guy Richie Redding. And he brought like he told me I could get a guest spot, right? And I had never done like an all black room. All comedy to me was open mics. And this was like the first open mic, I mean like non-open mic show, like real show. And it was all blacks in a sports bar. I go on first and the host he's going on, he's not even a comic, he's just like just doing

the hackiest magnum condom bits. And you know, just like big digs and women, you know, I like the girls, like just just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm like, I'm just like, I hear this voice in the distance, like yelling. Somebody shouting, this lady, I look over and this girl, she's standing on the table in the back of the club with all of her friends and she's going, where are your jokes? Where are your jokes? What'd you say? Where are your fucking jokes?

Where are your jokes? And they're fucking dying laughing at her. She's a starting show. And I'm sitting there like, what are you yelling at? It's a five minute set. I'm two minutes in. She's already on the table yelling at me. I'm first.

It was the most, it was the most horrifying experience. I'm like, the guy, the guy the, I'm seasoned the back. He's giving me the cut. They're like, get off. Get off. This is street minutes. And she's still on the table.

Where are your jokes? What are you even saying? What are you saying? I got up and the whole time like it's all the way to the stage in the back of the bar So I have to get off the stage and walk through the crowd Fuck me and no it is a huge it's like 200 people in there And I'm like I wanted to die. I just wanted to crawl in the time. That train right home? The train right, but it was actually good because I'm telling my friends about,

I'm gonna form a dude I had the words set on my life. And I'm going through it with them and by the end of the conversation, we're laughing. Like you're historically laughing about how ridiculous the other thing it was. And it was like, wow, really? I guess I think I'm a life. I think I have a problem.

It's like when you fall in love with a crazy bro. Yeah. You know what I think? I think I kind of miss her. Yeah, yeah. I know she scratched my face last time. We stole my clothes. Yeah.

It's kind of funny, I guess. I don't know. I should call her. I wonder what she's doing. I remember this bro dude. I had a crazy bro like that dude. She had me where, we used to have sex. We used to fucking have some, we never fucked.

Never put my penis inside this, bro. I dated her on and off for a couple of years. I never, ever penetrated her with my penis. We just did everything else. What else? Really? Everything else. But I remember she was a nutcase, man.

Like she was, I remember we were in, she wanted, she kept saying, I want hot chocolate Like Varukas all I want hot chocolate now Date She was like that. She's German. No, she wasn't but that's what she sounded like she's wanted stupid shit after we fucked around I made a do weird shit to like I made her blow me at a drive in their drive through a Dunkin Donuts late at night I always feel like that's that's kind of like the sexiest thing is like, it's not what I want you to do, it's what you're willing to do.

That's what I'm like, wow, that's a turn. You do that? Yeah, it's sexiest. Yeah, like, it's, it's, there is something to get somebody to go over the edge a little bit. Like, I don't wanna, I don't want you to fall off the edge. I don't want you to suck everybody's dick in front of me, but to like go to the edge, you know, name but I remember she we fucked around we did some weird shit like I tied her up for like an hour

I think I left her I think I I had some shit like rehearsal for something and I left and I came back and she was still tied up But she was so mad and I came back and she was still tied up, but she was so mad. Chocolate daddy. She was like, you fucking left me. I was like, yep bitch. But it was like part of the game. God bless her. And then we fooled around.

We did this crazy shit. And she goes, I want chocolate. And I was like, all right, we'll get you fucking. No, she goes, I want it now. I was like, all right, we'll get, because I feel bad like I think she was tied up for a while. So I took her to the supermarket and we're walking around. You took it to the supermarket. You untied her. Yeah.

Took her to the supermarket. Yeah, we went to this this 24 hour stop and shop and I remember she was just mad. She was grinding her teeth. And she was like, I want cookies too. And I went, no, I look at I need, you getting on my chocolate and we're getting the she went scratch my face. Like in line. And I remember she went scratch my face like in line and I remember she went and she's She went I want cookies too And she said I went bitch you just scratch me like what the fuck is wrong? Yeah, I remember the lady saw it and I was embarrassed and she scratched That was like my money maker like I was I was in comedy like I just was new. I was like doing show

I was like you I remember I was such a fucking pussy. I was like I have shows Really we don't so I don't even remember what the fight was about but it was stupid and she picked up a Deodorant canister like the you know like to plat the hard plastic Yeah, and she's banging me right in the nose and cut my face like it, it was like a scratch, like right down the middle. And I was going to a podcast. Like, I had the tape a podcast. And it was like when I thought it was a small podcast, but I thought it was like a big deal.

Because I just started. Right, yeah. It was exciting. And I had a big cut and it was bleeding. Like, it was bleeding on the train. Jesus Christ. And I had to go down and I had to explain to everybody That how she was it was okay. She was cool and everything. It was just she just got upset and

I don't remember it wasn't it didn't warn it it wasn't it didn't warn that you a physical attack with a fuck at the Ordering of course, and you can't do it. I love it. You call it a canister too, but it was I don't know what you call that thing What do you it's the plastic one not the can I think it yeah, why don't they have a can I think back I got to spray the odor in that's oh you mean back in the day the You mean dad's the odor it wasn't old spice it was before we found out that that shit is like put a hole in the earth and the Ozone layer and we're right I got you it was that shit those own lary were right I get you. It was that shit. It was a lot like that. It was the best.

It was the best. It was the best. So. People can scratch my nose. And I had to tell people and people still comedian still remember that. Like that I saw that day. They're like, remember, you still with that crazy girl

that scratched your face with the gold ring? Is that the one that you just broke up with a while ago? Hell yeah, man. We had some good times. Yeah, dude, there's something. I went, listen, she scratched my face and I grabbed her like a fucking shitsoo, but the back of her neck, I go, come on.

I grabbed her in her hot chocolate and I got her the cookies too. Still paid for the hot chocolate? Yeah, fuck yeah, she's good. I fucking didn't talk to her for a month and then a month went by and I called, I was like, what are you doing? After I healed.

Yeah, she did some weird shit, man. Let's see for guys, I think that's the one thing that's good for us. We can handle the crazy girl. A woman, she's into crazy guys. Does something wrong with her? Something bad. Yeah, like, I'm fucked up.

I'm fucked up. But at my core, I'm a good person. Yeah, like we have, I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. But at my core, I'm a good person. Yeah. Like I, like my wife is not that, she ain't fucked up. Like she won't even, it kind of bugs me in a way because, you know, sexually, I had to come home. I had to go backwards sexually to be able to coexist with my wife.

But yeah, you know, I can't hold a dull blade of my wife's throat at a fucking dunk and don't is driving She's gonna be like no you fucking weird. I eat doing that. I'll blow you but I'm not blowing I'm gonna hold a knife to my throat. You know what I mean? I want to do that though To your wife Don't want You know, you know, will she be the wife? Good, good point. That was my other point that I like to make. Is my, yeah, my wife, my wife, right,

my wife wouldn't want, she, exactly. My wife would not want that done, but, you know, like I've tried to experiment with my wife. Like she's always, she wants sexy and she wants dirty and she, you know, she reads those stupid books and it's like, not to be hack, I know this is like some fucking hack comics bit, my wife, you know, yeah, you know, but when you try to fuck around,

there's a difference between her weirdness sexually and my weirdness, you know what I mean? Like we tried to roleplay one night and she was like she bought outfits Which was kind of sexy. I liked it. She bought like a little school girl outfit Bought some pantyhose and shit some I like thigh highs. You know what I mean? I like that shit like big TOOPS those big big tube socks that go up over the knee, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, yeah And I remember she was like well, what do you want? What do you want? Let's for a little bit. She's like, what do you want me to be? I go I Be a massage therapist. She goes no

I was like, whoa, what why she goes. It's too close to what I do I go, but you're an institution you wax people in pop zits Yeah, but I work at a salon and there's I'm like look that's not even in the fucking ball I don't give a fuck it's a miss a, I want you to give me a massage and then kind of grays my nuts a little bit, like you're not supposed to. And then roll me over and be like, what's that? She's like, no, I'm not doing that shit.

You had fucking Asian women do to back, before you, I was like, but that's the point. And she's like, no, I'm like, fuck it then. Then we, let's just fuck regular like Dick Van Dyke. Yeah, we can't do this. That's a good matching twin mattress. Yeah, let's get two beds. All of you pussy on that bed,

you suck my dick on this bed. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. What, I mean, you can't roleplay a little bit. I ain't asking you to stick something in my ass. I'm just asking you to be a fucking masseuse. You don't, I didn't say Asian, you could have been you. You could have been a dumb pollock from every Massachusetts with a shitty accent. Where you can't, is this you had on? You clock, Saka. Fucking Saka, you clock. It's what a role, you know. It's

fucking hard. It's really hard because what happens is, you like that that role-playing thing? I don't like it. I like it. You never role-played? Never. I like it. Because you're fucking really? I don't like it. It's silly to me. I'm not saying it's silly for you. I'm sure you're good at it. But for me, I'm a good actor. I don't know if you've seen me. I don't know if you've seen me on Louis, but I'm a fucking great actor. No, I don't like it. It's uncomfortable.

Oh shit, hang on one second. I, I don't like it. It's uncomfortable. I don't know. Shit, hang on one second. I will back. I just had to fuck it up. So let me let me just something happen. I was some bullshit. So let me ask you a question. Yeah. You when you have sex, you just have regular sex. Like, like, like, Adam and Eve shit. I really like regular sex, you know, I do. You never, you never, you never, you never, you never did any kinky shit. I've done kinky shit, but I'm, what's kinky to you? Can you, first of all, before we get into this,

I'm asking, I'm asking for a permission to for him to say this. I would love to hear this. Oh shit, don't say it. You heard that right? Did you hear that? I did. And if for people listening to this, please rewind and I want you to listen to that fucking the tone. Don't listen to the word it. Those are the words because the words are a lie. Yeah. I want you to hear the tone. Did you see the posture about? Oh, whenever the posture goes up, that's when it's it's just Whenever women get perfect posture

She turned into a flamingo Smelt something coming what yeah, that was shit You ever see a deer drinking water and then they when they fucking know a beer a bear is the next straight up straight up they look around all shit I'd love to hear this tell me what your freaky shit is no yes you can't you can't but I know I just role playing in particular I did I'd never I didn't really have some I had some I've tried like did you try and she sucked? No, it was just silly. It was me. I couldn't get into it. I was like, no, come on Yeah, you you don't look like the guy like what the fuck like if you had to be You're Angie you're not so you can never be the the you can never be the best friend of

Her sons her sons best friend You know what I mean? Yeah, like Mrs. Paterson's, you know, 18 year old son's best friend. You could never be the best friend. Hey, is Joey home? No, he's not home. Oh, I'm sorry. And she has like a boo about, I'm sorry. She looks like no, it's okay. So now when you roleplay though, like who decides which one which fantasy is going to be? be well You got to have one person decide You can have yeah, it's one so you like we prefer role playing for you or role-playing for well I would I would look it like if I'm role-playing the girl can either she's gonna pick or I'm gonna pick you can't It's not a collaboration. This isn't like a writer's room on snout. You know what I mean?

No, what about this? Now, if you add that, now you, one person picks, because you got to pick like, okay, I'm your son's, I would say to, I said to a girl once, okay, this hot blonde, I was like, look it, your son's, you have a kid, you're an older milfie chick, right? I'm your son's friend,

and I'm sleeping over, but I get nightmares, I get scared and I come into your room. Oh, yeah, are you serious? Hang on, let me finish. I'll never imagination. And going on here is it thunderstorm? No, it's like a little scared. 37 degrees. It's all right. It's right. It's all right, it's right. It's June 2nd, the evening of. So Thursday, would it feel like a Wednesday?

So we, you know, we, we, you know, and I would say, you know, I'm going to come in and you comfort me, but you're going to be naked. And I'm going to be, I'm going to be shy. And then, you know, I'm going to be behind and then you know I'm going to be behind you and you're going to feel blah blah blah and then you you know you kind of and then I get shy and you teach me you teach me how to use stuff or I but I'm sleeping so you kind of try to look at you try to look at it while I'm sleeping and then you know I'm in the footies yeah no I'm not a fucking weirdo I'm not a fucking weirdo. I'm not a fucking sicko.

You unzip my pajamas. Yeah, I have a diaper. I have a lollipop and diaper and a baby curl. But yeah, and then you know, she would, she would, you know, I come in. And then you were, yeah, but here's the thing, you have to get a girl who is as much, she has to be a creep too.

Yeah. You can't have her fucking break character halfway through and be like, hang on, and then her phone, she can hear a phone buzz. One sec, let me just get that. No, no, there's no phones. We'll be four phones. Like this is...

Well, when you're laying it down right, the house could be on fire. She can't think about no phone. Yeah, if she knows what she's doing, like some girl, like my wife can't roleplay for shit. Cause she giggles, my wife giggles. If you giggle, you can't do a role. Cause I'll, I'll be like, yeah.

I'll be like, you know, as soon as I say Mrs. Patterson. That would be me. I would be the giggle. Cause I would laugh. I'd be like, this is so stupid. I would cause it's still sex, it's still penetration. Let's just get right. Really? Yeah, I'm old school, this is so stupid. I would, because it's still sex, it's still penetration. Let's just get right. I'm old school like that.

So you just like fuck it. Let's have sex. I'm still, I'm not bored with it yet. I think the reason I want that too is that I was fucked up sexually. I had sex when I was really young. And I learned about sex in the wrong way. When I was really young, I, you know, you know,

I just poured too young. Yeah, I got poem and I was, I watched the first poem I saw was like six years old. Yeah, man, I was, I was like, I know, what's first grade? What is first grade? Yeah, what is first six? Six years old. Six years old. Yeah, me too, dude, first point. I remember God was gonna strike me down. I was crying all night, but I couldn't tell my mom why I was crying, you know So how do you see it? I actually didn't I saw it on my friend's house and then this girl is I've told this story before this She was called the blouse Fat chick around the neighborhood The I remember she was in a rhubarb bush and she made me pull my ding-ding out and she

made me suck on her boobies. Oh wow. And I didn't know what she was doing. You know, I did a little tiny ding-ding. I don't even know if I had pubes. I had no pubes. She's just a little mushroom. I remember she was touching it. She was smoking a cigarette too. I remember my penis smelled like cigarettes. My little baby first grade peepee. I went home that night and cried. My mother came in, what's wrong? It was like, nothing. So I thought I was gonna punish me because I was Catholic. You know?

See, when I was a kid, I remember my cousins, they were watching a movie. And they was like, hey, that's, because you know, I was like the youngest. So they were like, they were kids too, when they were like, older. They were like, hey, let's let Mikey watch it. So, you know, they're, there's,

Mikey likes anything. Yeah. Let's show Mikey, that's let Mikey watch it. So you know, there's Mikey like anything. Show Mike let's see what happens. And it I can play it and it was the most terrifying thing I've seen in my life. It's terribly. It was literally a black dude that was dressed as a butt love to this rich white woman on like a, we call it like a shay lounge chair.

And she's sitting in she orders food and he's got his dick on a silver platter and a hot dog She like reaches over and grabs it and when I'm like if I was to it is that like it was the it was a Bit freaked me out. I was to roleplay that if I was the butler It would have to be like one of those little tiny appetizer wienies with a toothpick in it Oh shit Do you think that's why I don't like role playing because I saw porn at six? No, I think you just fucking you just don't like to act in real life. It was just stupid.

Yeah, that you know, I blame HBO too. You know, up until, you know, the generations before that, you weren't, you had to go get a porn. You had to, like it was a it was a Picture yeah, you didn't really it was so hard to get video of titties Before you had to go to a movie theater. I mean that was Teens like they wouldn't let you in you know, or you saw like a you couldn't even go to a neighborhood By the yeah like a photo of a titty, which is not as crazy as a,

but when I met with HBO and cable first happened and I turned on, I saw some, I remember this movie, I wish I could find it. And I think this was my, my thing for role playing came in is, I remember this kid was at this camp or something and he was sleeping over and I remember this lady came in and she fucking I remember she was I know he she was sleeping and he went in to her and like picked up her thing and saw her titties and the next day he came back and picked it up and saw her a bush and then he started just touching it. Yeah it

was she she woke up while he was doing it and then she wanted to fucking bang in this kid. And I remember I was like, what the fuck is this? And I remember, then I, you know, my dick, I was like fucking, all day trying to find lady chattyly. Remember that shit? Lady chattyly was HBO, man. HBO exposed. You could just watch porn at like fucking...

Oh, you said that so matter of fact, like it was family ties You know remember that lady chattel No, I don't know what that is. Yeah, I think it's I think it fucked me up And it took me out many years of therapy to wait a minute So when you role playing this is a question always that when you role play and when is it when do you break character? When it's seen. Yeah, when is it when you go seen? Yeah done okay when you come or guys and I will say because you're your girls here Or your friend lady friend what do we call?

How you lady of leisure is here? Please introduce her from now on this is my lady of leisure Well, I think when I think when you've done okay here, here it is. So you're role-playing. She's the the friends mother and then, okay, oh my God, I'm trying to go through it in my head. Oh, thank you. And then you go, okay, thank you, Mrs. Patterson. And then you have to leave the room. And then come back in. Like a one-man show. That was crazy. You come back in and take a bow. You take thank you guys and you give out your Facebook and your Twitter and you say you guys want to keep in touch with the show. Please keep supporting live sex. Well, I think I think that's where food comes in. That's where you just eat something. You want you hungry?

And then you just eat as regular people. You have a girl go on too long, which she just won't in the scene and you're like come on You got to go and she's like what come on? Maybe we can now now that's funny, but she just won't stop acting don't won't stop acting No, I've had some weird shit over my life. So I used to have a girl that used to She used to use me as their booty call and I liked it because I would I'd be like no I acted like a regular girl. I was like, nope. I go, what are you going to give me? And she'd be like, what do you want?

I'd be like, I want to sandwich. And she'd be like, all right, I'll get you a sandwich. Come over now. I'd be like, no, I go, also, I want to be able to eat my sandwich without you talking. I don't want you to happen. I don't want you fucking telling me about any of your day or any of that shit. I'm going to come over, eat my sandwich in silence. And she'll like, fine, whatever, whatever, fine.

I go as soon as we have sex, you can't talk after that. You can talk during sex and whatever you want. And but as soon as we're done, you have to shut the fuck up and I get to go to sleep because I gotta get up in the morning, I can't. And she's like, fine. And I would, I was like, you have to pay for my cab,

too, I didn't pay for that shit. So I'd make her, I'd take a cab down from the upper east side. She'd pay for it. This is rich No, no, but she had but fuck her. She wanted she wanted some dick So she'd pay for it. I get out she had to come out like a robe and pay for the cat And I remember we go up and I'd eat my sandwich just watching TV and pay for the cat. And I remember we'd go up and I'd eat my sandwich, just watchin' TV quietly. And she'd be, she'd love to talk too. She would just sit there and be rocking.

Yeah, rocking, like a fucking, you know, a kid with Down syndrome that sees a lullipop. Just fuckin' lullipop, lullipop. Right? And I remember, as soon as I was done, I'd go, you know, clean up my mouth, wash my teeth, and brush my teeth, and then we'd do it. And I did some, as I was done I go you know clean up my mouth wash my teeth and brush my teeth and Then we do it and I did some I but I I would I would give her I would do I was like a sex slave at that point

Like I should do this I would do it. Whatever. I remember eight or a armpit one night She was like I want you to eat my armpit out like it's a pussy and finger me and I was like okay, and this chick came like I've never. She, I, armpit. Yeah, because your armpit is like getting tickled, the, think of the two feelings you're feeling. You feeling sexual vagina tickle. Yeah.

And then you feel an armpit tickle. So it's still my favorite thing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm about to come now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I would tell you was eating out an armpit. Geez, what am I doing with my life, man? You got, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you and you like this guy you want to stand like this guy could be the next big like he could be the next huge is thing. Hey let me let me just see your eyes. I want to see that means that means okay that means this ready. If this guy what if he if he comes like any Murphy big like that big like all of a sudden he's the fucking Craziest shit on the planet and you're his lady of leisure?

That's pretty badass, right? Like if my wife all of a sudden Made okay if my wife all of a sudden made hit cookies Like holy shit cookies and everybody wanted her cookies. And then she sold them to like fucking, like Nabisco bought her cookies and she's, I'm fucking billionaire. I don't think Bobby knows how the cookie industry works. I don't think that's how it is.

Nabisco, that's a good cookie lady. First of all, who am I to recipe from? First of all, look at me. I know how the fucker cookie industry works my friend. But you know, I'm about to recipe from first of all look at me. I know how the fucker cookie industry works my friend But you know I'm jamming you know I'm saying like I know that did you meet him at a comedy club? I did but I saw him first in the lobby and I was like oh really But then I'm like he hit what is age and I was like oh really but then I'm like he hit the stage and I'm like oh shhh what if he what is that like to see it dude I had to work my I was in a hole there

oh he bombed no yeah I just saw him first in the lobby and I was like I like him yeah he thought it was cute yeah but I didn't know that he'd be and then when he was beaten I'm like shit when he got on stage that fucking made you even more like wow No, no, no, really? She stopped it. Stop it. Stop, when you saw, let me tell you something, my wife did the same shit. I'm just like, you know, he had to hit the stage.

You didn't, you, so that went against him. Yeah, like that's, yeah, I'm private. I don't like, Yeah, you seem private. Do you? I don't know. I don't know. I don't even have to, I don't even have to fucking ask you to talk to a microphone.

You grab that shit and through. Let's do this. One, two, one, two. Yeah. Roll my own go. What's it? Where's that yellow tail? Yeah, you're fine.

You're fucking reasoning the fridge without even asking. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah. Do those guitars work? Yeah, let's go. Turn this thing off. I wrote this the other day.

Love in the afternoon. I'm going to have my levels. I'm a lady of leisure. That's how this goes. Lady Elysia motherfuckers. What the fuck? listen, listen. You're telling me that when you saw him in the lobby and you were like, oh, this guy's cute,

and then you see him go on stage, you didn't go, wow, this is even better? That fucked you up more. So you were like, fuck, I'm not even dealing with this. And then you, who talked to who first? You said you were funny. I'm not even dealing with this. And then you who talked to who first? You said you were funny. You said you said you said you said that That the bar he ended up being like right next to me. Really was that by choice Yeah, wait, what do you mean by choice? Well, I was buying drinks, but you saw her you see a girl, you know at the bars pretty

Get close. Yeah, why not get it from there instead of a way over here. So it's fucking some drunk dude. Don't you a funny. You walked up next to her and then she said, oh, I thought you said I enjoyed your set. Oh, yeah, what is that? Yeah, she said something like that. That's like old English response.

I am a lady of leisure and I enjoyed your set, sir. I sigh. I will send a raven to tell my people that you are a funny man. What the fuck? I enjoyed talking and I was thinking he'll say something dumb that would make me not like really. So what do you say? He didn't say anything. He didn't say anything. That was dumb. That was like the role play.

Yeah, exactly. I was waiting for something like that like now. Now I was, I played it cool. And then you started there. How many times have you seen him? His perform. Oh, I don't know know are you sick of it? No, I still enjoy yeah, I asked her the same thing all the time like you're not sick of this shit

Yeah, it's so funny, and I'm like you can you can stay up here. I'm gonna go downstairs and she's like oh I don't come now. I mean like why that's good though, man It is my wife the same thing man my when you You I love one that when you're true fan of who you are, not just who you are on stage, just someone who's really not going to get sick of you performing. Do you know what I'm saying? I get sick of me performing that. I love me.

Yeah, because do. Of course we get sick of it, because we're always comparing ourselves and we always have unrealistic fucking goals in our head. I want to be this, I want to be as good as that. I mean, dude, I'm 20 years in the business, I'm still trying. People say, you know, you know, dude, you're really funny. It's like, no, I'm not yet. I want to be, I want to be as funny as that motherfucker and I'm not there yet and I might never get there. But this is what I was saying to you earlier and when you were like, oh, you're being humble,

like, no, it's like you look at it, you look at all the work that you need to do, which makes you not wanna be cocky or just like, no, yeah, but I wanna get here. So, I mean, look at, dude, there's a difference between, what do you wanna say what I'm saying? I understand, I absolutely do wanna say, I said, but there's a difference between you, a guy who three years in the business

is already making fucking waves. And it's harder for a guy like you who comes from New York. It's harder to come up in New York because you're just a local dude. So you know what I'm saying? You get guys who are perfecting their shit in other states moving here ready to go. And then when they come in, I'm the new guy,

but I'm not new. How fucking, I'll blow you up. The guys that are new ain't gonna be near me. You actually came up here, which is harder to do. And you're doing, I mean, you're kind of, I mean, I'm gonna use the word prodigy, but. But no, you know what, like, like this is gonna, this might sound gross,

but like for me, it's more of a, it's act based as opposed to, you opposed to success based or whatever, because anything you get in comedy always feel like it's not, you know, whatever it is, it's always better before you get it, then when you get it, yeah, it ain't really shit, no way. So, like, for me, the big deal is the act. And if the act's not where I want it to be, and none of it feels accomplished. Yeah, I get you man So that's that's why it's always like yeah, I ain't really doing shit though because my acting way I wanted to be

Yeah, I mean here's the thing Well the more you get into this business to all the more stuff you do The your act, you know, it's I think it's it's hard because you You're auditioning and you're fucking filming shit or doing a podcast or, you know, being on the road, you got to go on the road and do radio Thursday and you're tired, you come back and then you get a show and then you get to do radio Friday and then you get two shows by Saturday is, you know, you're waking up and you can finally get it some sleep and then you get two more shows and the late show is fucking nuts and then you're coming

home Sunday and it's like, we're the fuck at the fuck did the time guard didn't work on my act and I just fucking, you know, I just did what I do and yeah, it's funny and everybody, hey, you are great, but I'm really not and then you look at this motherfucker and wow, he's really doing real good and this guy is so fucking, yeah, I mean, it's always going to be like that. I think because I don't, I think if you are satisfied at any point as a comic, you're not really a comic. I think because that's what makes us keep going. I agree. I think the guys that are satisfied

with their progression, I don't know. I mean, that's kind of weird to me. You know what I mean? I think, I think, think you know I was always You can always make and doctor do a little Yeah, doctor fucking do a little what happened I just think you want you any Murphy what else what else can you go Except make kids for you make movies for your kids So you can be like hey guys. I got made this for you. Yeah, I got paid 20 million

He go has another 20 million if you're 21 years old the most famous man It's like that Mike Tyson thing. It's like what how could you possibly be? There's always another side there's always the There's the roller coaster never goes up and stays up right but always comes the fuck down Yeah, what's that it's called another baby? I called a roller coaster never goes up and stays up right but always comes the fuck down that's called an elevator what's that it's called an elevator I call the roller coaster I'm saying if it just stayed an elevator stays up it could if you get off so a career can't be like an elevator no because it could just stay up there nobody's gonna ever come and fix it no you get off the elevator you get off it at the top and stay up it up there All right, listen man

I just a roll you're doing is this is how you get enough on this? Here's the podcast All right, your girl. I know her. I've known her for three years. Let's tell him what we're doing this role. We've been doing She's really my lady Elegia. I know my thing is I wanted the hot new comic So All right, listen man, listen man. It's it's been a fucking pleasure having y'all We have me Bob. We'll you come back on when everybody else is around any time. Yeah, I would love to listen audition Is this fucking is this recording?

No, it's not. See if I can do the real show. You know what I was, here's the thing, is I like to put out shows, I do the Monday show all the time, but anytime I'm around here, and I can do a show if I have time, I'll find out like who's around,

who I want on, who I haven't had on. I've won a John for a while, but it just it never never came to fruition. So I told us he I was here doing a thing for Bill Burr's went in an award At Emerson College and they were filming this segment. They wanted me to do because I was friend and I told us yeah, I go I go I go Call Mike up and see if he's around. And she was like, okay, and she called you up and you were like, fuck it, let's do it.

I tried to get Kelly down, but nobody can do it, but I'm fine with that. I like, I like putting out different types of shows. Like I tell you, man, I don't like, I do my show with list and the guys and definitely come back on with everybody here. But I also like doing shows like this I mean just a fucking random show you came down your girl came down

I think shit like this is I hate sticking to a mold of the show like here's the guys and this is fuck that I might just mix it up. So I'm glad you came on but definitely come back with everybody I mean don't bring her back I don't know if we're gonna make it no no she no, I'm so glad, you know, I was a little nervous though. Because here's the thing, you're a civilian. That's what we call you. You're a civilian in the comedy business. So sometimes when you bring civilians up here,

especially on the mic, you never know what's gonna happen. You never know what, but you're, thank God, you're a sweetheart and a lady's lady of leisure so you don't even mean you're that was a brave move though that was I was pretty brave with that one right what bringing her up oh dude I wouldn't fuck but here's the thing but that's why that's why it's like she's she's so cool I would bring my my wife I could bring my wife anywhere I can't my wife if she gets drunk I'm in trouble because then she just yaps yeah my wife anywhere. I can't, my wife, if she gets drunk, I'm in trouble. Because then she just yaps. My wife fucking yaps.

If she has too much to drink, she starts, you know, she doesn't care who to, she'll walk up the fucking jack, Nichol said, yeah, I love you movies. Your movie's a good. I mean, when you get to do another movie, I haven't done another movie. I mean, you know, it's been a long time. I called the most that one.

Yeah, it was the one with the Chinese people, the Chinese, I know Chinese people aren't in it, but Chinatown or something like that. You were good. Yeah, shut was the one with the Chinese people the China Chinese? I know Chinese people aren't in it, but China town or something like that you would go Yeah, shut the fuck up, you know, oh my god She fucking yaps if she gets too drunk, but other than that she's she's great So it would definitely when you come back on and I can't wait to I hope this works out I hope you guys get I hope this I hope years from now she comes back on your kid. You're not having Bobby. Well I'm not trying to not help I'm just saying that you know so where can we

you have a website? Michaelchaid.com. Yeah. Jay thinks Twitter. What is it? Jay thinks Twitter. Okay and once you get a Facebook is that all in your website? Yeah. It's all on there. I. And we can't get any art anywhere. We can't see it. Shit, I want to, I want to, why don't you do something for the studio? I haven't painted literally in like four years. I'll tell you this, I haven't picked up a paintbrush. I didn't pick up a paintbrush for 15 years.

Really? You do something for me, I'll do something for you. The day I started stand-up comedy is the last time I last time I picked up a paintbrush or anything and then around two years ago my therapist said to me you should try and I painted him a painting did you really yeah and then he put it in a closet this cock sucka I swear I swear I do then he put it in a closet? This cock sucka I swear I Did you find out you put it in a closet? Because he has all these art around his offices and in the hallway and mine was he never hung my painting up

I'm not saying it was good. It was it was shit. I haven't painted in 15 years. It wasn't that good and he But that it's he never hung it. Yeah, I fucking slipped out I waited a year and then we were in there I go I want my fucking painting on the fucking wall I go look you want to talk to the right thing? I go I go I'm going on a pain on a wall I fucking I fucking

Through a fucking trash can through his window dude. I was fucking angry So now it's up on the wall in the hallway. I made him put I go fuck you I go I wanted up right there in front of the toilet So Yannis Papa's actually took a picture of it We go to the same therapist is my my painting is on the wall like in the back hallway near the toilet But I made it but I'll uh you had a fucking I see how he did that you pay me some more pay you some yeah but you're you're actually good I want to all right fuck it well how do you know I'm good you you sold it on the street you think I'm gonna walk by a young black kid and buy shit yes I do because I'm young and black and like well

I don't get it so it must be cool If I get if I paint you some you'll paint me some absolutely all right, let's a deal. Let's do that I know it never happened, but absolutely yeah, yeah, you know that I'm not gonna I'm gonna paint you something really I'm gonna yeah, you but you better fucking get me some it's not a question. Absolutely. All right. I don't have to buy your equipment Do I all you come on? All right,, alright, do you still have the stuff? No, but I mean it's paint. 20 bucks. Alright. So you really, I'm really a big fan, dude. You know why you're fucking hilarious, but you're also a really nice guy.

I appreciate that. I'm glad you're fucking. Like I said, huge, huge, huge, man. Like you guys are the reason why I honestly start like that's no bullshit Oh good man, you're fucking great, and I love you lady of leisure. She's a sweetheart She's that well she's she's up there. She's up there. Yeah, she's up there. Why don't you do so like that? Yeah She's up there Trader respects respect her. She's up there. You said I can't say she's the best of the boys I said she's up there. Yeah, she's up there. She's up there. You said I can't say she's the best in the world. So I said she's up there. She's up there. She's up there I we're gonna do we're gonna do a couple months. We're gonna come back to this

Oh We're gonna revisit a couple fucking months. See how things are going every couple months. We're gonna revisit this Buddy, I'll thanks for being on here. Thanks. Thanks for listening to the show. This was a Special edition of the YKWD with Michael Che and his lady of leisure. Please make sure you support him. Go to his Twitter. If you haven't heard of this guy,

get on the fucking train now. Don't be, you know, don't fucking a couple of years from now. Go, is that the guy heard on your podcast? He's fucking hilarious. I'm telling you now, have I ever steered you wrong about any of these guys I have on my show? This guy is hilarious. He's one of the next motherfuckers coming out.

Patrice would be the fucking annoyed with him. That's fucking fast progress into this business, but he's hilarious. So check him out, Michael Che, thanks. What is it, Michael? What is it, Che, thanks? Yeah, thanks. Michael Chey thinks. What is it? Michael, what is it, Chey thinks?

Yeah, thanks. At Chey thinks and make sure you're supporting, like you support all the other people on the show. YKWD at riotcast.com, go there, support all the other shows in the network, make sure you listen, subscribe, and tell a friend. And that's it. Thanks a lot. Take care.

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It's a lot, actually. And free shipping. So make sure you go to tweed.odio.com, give yourself a few pairs of headphones, you'll just get one, it's not worth it. I think they wind up being ten bucks a pair, I don't know what it is, but it's crazy. So by a few, give some away. Great gifts. Tweeddodio.com, cohort dude, 33% off free shipping right now. And make sure you go to riotcast.com slash roba kelly, that you'll know what do page on riotcast. And there's an Amazon link and a game flight link.

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for your enjoyment. So make sure you go support them all. All of them. Get the app. iPad, iPhone, and Android is coming soon. Make sure you email us at YKwd at ridecast.com. You have anything, anything. You want to give us props, you want to tell us some suggestions you would have on the show, blah, blah, blah, blah. YKWD at ridecast.com. I'm sitting in my underwear right now on my iPhone with my awesome mic that I got from Carl and I'm doing in the fog, I'm stuck in the fog, I'm stuck in the fog, you know what I'm getting

This box, this box, this box, I'm getting You know what I'm getting Really dude, really, really, really You know what I'm getting ¡Wyelly, dear, haly, haly, haly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly!

¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! ¡Wyelly! John Stop

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