Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Chili Cheese Helmet | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #43

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

Chili Cheese Helmet | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #43  Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder make fun of Joe List’ helmet, Dan Soder getting on Loveline, the gayest thing baby James has said, how they would rob a bank, Marc Maron hating on everyone, Joe point guarding a blue bits, Dan’s thick neck, and more! Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-regz/id1700969607 SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/ https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/  Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/ https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/ https://twitter.com/luisjgomez Joe List https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/ Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/ https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/  SPONSORS  CashAppUse code Family10 and send $5 within 14 days and get $10 in your account ZocDocUse zocdoc.com/regz to support the show and get the help you need Cornbread Hemp Get 30% off your first order w/ code "REGZ" Lucy Get 20% off first order w/ code “REGZ” Small Batch CigarUse code REGZ10 for 10% off plus 5% rewards BodyBrain Coffee Use code REGZ25 to get 25% off in June Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ooh, a thick-collar t-shirt. I want a dance soda thick-collet t-shirt. Honestly, what you got to steal the shirt? It says all our names are on the whole. That'd be sick, dude. Like a fucking dull collar. 72 point fun. Regsmergers.com.

We'll see you there. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Everybody, we're back, the regs with a Z, because we're dangerous. Joe List, Dan Soda, Lewis J. Gomez, and me, Bobby Kelski, Kelly. Kelski, Kelly. He's called me back in the day. My name was Kelski.

That's a lie. swear to God, Frankie Paul Castro, used to call me Kelsey. That's a made-up man. My friend, Frankie. Frank, Pollygino. Oh. You remember Chrissy Pallegino. Frankie Paul Castro.

Frankie Pomerginia. He's like, Bobby microphone. He just come down and talk to Joey Cans. Joey cans Bobby, I had you switch protein shakes, huh? No, I got this for you. No, I know, I got this, but I'm saying

You know, I got, I'm on another protein shake, but I got these because you liked them. I thought you said you were all right. They're great. I got you one for you. Stop eating into the microphone. What are you doing? No, but you said you like this.

Stop eating, so I got it for you. Stop eating away from the microphone, too. Why don't you stop eating? I also do have to stop eating. But it's been one month. This is my special. I spent a month. I was not giving yourself excuses.

You're like David Gagins at all. You're like when wrestlers used to show up in WCW and they'd be all like way bigger. He looks like both Dudley boys. Stop. Have a cookie though. Have one. I'm not having a cookie. Come on, have one.

I'll get 30% off bad brain coffee if you eat a cookie. No, I'm not eating any cookie. You can do ads to the rest of the summer. It's a thick-ass cook. I got to stop. It's a cake. I'm not doing it. I never realized.

I had Chinese food last night. Hang-g-aw-you-law. I had. I had French toast Yesterday You're so... You're so... You're so...

French toast. He went to Italy. He went to Italy Now he comes back. I had Chinese food. French toast. Yeah, you're world traveler. Yeah.

I've never realized how perfect your face is for a bicycle helmet. Yeah, dude, you really are. It looks natural. I love it my bike helmet. I feel like a million bucks. I'm biking everywhere.

I'm on an e-bike. I'm zipping around. It took me eight minutes to get here. You want it? No, I rent it out. I get a city bike. I don't have room in my home for a bike.

I do like the city bike. So you take helmet, no bike from the apartment to the city bike stand. So you're just carrying around a helmet. Well, here's the thing. I got to have a helmet because I have a two-year-old son. I can't fall and conk my head. I have a fucking head injury. And then say to my kid, I didn't want to look like a nerd.

No fun it would be for him to have another kid his age hang out with for the next five years. I mean, it would suck when he's a teenage. Yeah, but the amount of cigarettes, Sarah would smoke being like, fuck, I got to raise these two fucking retards. Oh, if your dad was retarded, that would suck. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, the moment you pass them. Not now.

A three, a two-year-old, a retarded dad. They're both drooling on the couch. Yeah. But the time of it's like, I mean, they're going to fucking, you know, all our fans would just make fun of Joe. Like, nobody would have anybody like, they'd be like, oh, that's really sad for Joe. And then the rest of the fan base would be like, fuck Joe, they'd be fucking bring him out at Skank Fest. Yeah. Just wait a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Lewis is like, listen, we found out we could fight at Skankfest. But the funny thing. But the return fight is Joe left. Retired fights. You put a helmet on them then, though, just for shits and giggles. No, I love it. I feel like 100 bucks.

I'm riding right through the street, and it looks cool. Why don't you get a cool helmet, though? Let me see this. It's pretty cool. Oh, fuck. Why don't you get a cool one? They have helmets to pull down the visor. It has a little Bluetooth inside.

I might get a rearview mirror thing over there. No, you should not. No, you should not. That way to turn your head all over that. Oh, my God. You will immediately end up on a list for pedophiles. And you know what I'm doing? I'm obviously a, I'm a cool guy.

I'm like one of the top comedians of all time. What? So, young people that, like you, toxic masculinity, they see me. I'm not a, I'm toxic, toxic, toxic, fuck you. You're the definition. No, I'm not. He is. You're both the definition.

What's up, dude? Yeah. You guys are like, pussy. You guys are like that, you guys are like that cheese and sausage combo with the gas station. I was sorry, we drink body brain coffee. You're sipping tea, you pussy. Go ahead. Body brain injury if you don't have a helmet.

Hello. Hey. Plus, we know a comedian that fucking died recently. No that guy. Kenny DeForest.

He can live your life like that though. He got hit by on her bike. Hold on. Get it plugged in. He died. He died from looking like a

fucking. I can see why he was excited. I could see why he was excited to get that. Let me say something. Worth every fucking second of it. That's why he was fumbling so hard with the mic

because he was like, oh my God. Oh, I get the safe. You fucking. We're here. Well, you're heavy. Dude, this is just my in-between fight weight.

Can I just say something? No, you gain weight fast. Yeah. It is great. When I walked in, I was like, what the fuck? You put it on fast. Like a high school wrestler. You could take it off quick.

Yeah. But it comes back on. Not that quick. We recorded a few weeks ago. By Skangfest, I'll be fucking. No, I've been just, I've been binging. I've been eating non-stop. We're looking right.

I didn't smoke weed. I stopped drinking two weeks ago. I didn't know you started drinking again. I started drinking again. Oh, geez. This is when he tells you all the shit he's did. I don't even remember the last. July 12th, we filmed the special.

That night, I mean, I got... Ah! You fucking Filipino ninja! Bouga, boog! Don't get the hell away from me. Don't ever do that again. You would have gotten greased and greeced in all. That was fucking creepy and shit.

I would have loved it, Bobby was like, Kha! Good, Kahn! Sorry, dude, dude. My uncle was in the Korean War. Four swift elbows to the eye. Like those old U.S. Where the guys just knocking it out of his elbow.

Skid the shit out of me. I know. That was a very real reaction. Why is your earbud in? What'd you say? Why is your earbud in? And why isn't it a Reikov? Are you impractical jokering us?

You have other friends telling you what to say? I thought Louis was on fire. Why are you so fat? Get Lewis to flip. Sorry, I had my earbud in. I forgot it was so. That's like the new, that's like the, remember what a blue tooths when like older black dudes would always have

Bluetooth's in. Shee. Can I say something what's happening? I suppose so. I've seen this three times. They have gold teeth. I've seen this three. That's a Bond movie. You love that. It's pretty good. Thank you, Booth. You saved me from the bomb dana. I've seen it. Where is it? Where is the bomb Dana? It's right here. It should be on yours after you

did the Sarah smoking cigarette. I know. Nobody understood what the fuck it was. By the way, I knew that. The Bobby had a bomb too. Was it before or after? I don't remember. I knew. It was a zilcher, though. By the way, Joe, when no one brought enough, I was like, got away with it.

Well, everyone got excited. You were like, and Sarah will be like this and we were like, uh-huh. And then we were all like, I don't. Yeah, no one was Is Sarah Smoke? No. She used to. But I guess if I had a hingery, try it again, run it back. No. A hingeary? I don't like it. Hingery. Don't do that to me. Yeah, Tony Hingley. Hinchcliff, I don't know. I saw this three times last week. Somebody walking into it. A dick in your mouth.

No, I saw that five times in last week. Back. Dude, walking into the store. Yeah. Take, make something. Take it. and go and just walk the fuck out and the person going you have to pay for that and they go, yep, I'll be right back and they just leave. This is like

a thing now. You can just walk in you can just fawns a sandwich? You just walk in grab shit and non, not run out, nonchalantly. I have a joke about it. I was taught that when I worked to them for an hour. When I worked at the mall they taught, they literally said, hey

if there's any shoplifters, you can't like touch them. You have verbally attended them and then I was like oh cool, I quit that job and then I started stealing from the mall every single day. That's very funny. It's true, yeah. You found your passion. Yeah, yeah.

That deserves a cookie. No. You weren't in thought, uh, in, uh, loss prevention. Loss prevention. Sure it is. You're going to say thought prevention? Yeah, Joe had his helmet on. Stop the thoughts.

You know, they make good, like, cool helmet. Yeah, you said that. I don't know. Get me a cool helmet. Do you want to buy you a cool one? I will buy you a cool one. Like a Patriots? Oh, yeah, pull up some cool.

They have, they have one with a light in the back, so it tells you you can hit the button and it left or right. These are just generic ass helmets. See, that one right there. That one right there. See, that one has lights. Get them like an X-game skater helmet.

So you're riding at night. They see you. I think this is a good helmet. This was the number one one that popped up on Amazon. That is not a crowd. What about a football helmet with a bar down the middle? That's not bad. What are you going to look like that Bob Nelson guy?

Remember that comedian? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That would wear the helmet. Headshots everywhere. Yeah, he was big. Every old club. Still working.

No. No, don't just type of. bike helmets have been cool bike helmets you have a they have a bike helmet with a blue tooth in it so you get you have they live their lives with you wear a helmet i don't wear a helmet because i'm not a fucking silly person i'm a safe person that's great i wear a seatbelt i hope you get hit by a truck you wear a seatbelt uh i wear a seatbelt okay uh i have to yeah that noise bugs yeah the noise if i could shut that noise off i would never wear a seatbelt no really no never why look at dan are you i'm a seatbelt guy yeah damn right that seatbel's i'm paranoid though

See, Bell's our little bitches. Oh, this is not the tape you want out there. Yeah, dude. Then when you're like moving around with a straw and we're like, hey, Lewis. See, that's a cool helmet. Right there. Go down. This is what I know.

X game. The black down face. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Or the one of the left of that. That's like that band. That's super cool, dude. Depech mode or whatever.

You know how hot that would be this week? Dude, I don't get you, but then Joe take it off. He looks. It's like when Princess Leo. What are you fucking gay? Go, what about that one? Second one from the, yeah, that one, the open-faced motorcycle.

That's a paintball fucking... I don't care, it looks cool as shit. We could put a logo. Oh, what about a Darth Vader helmet? Look at that. You should get that. You look fucking cool. Do they have one with like a Bluetooth in it?

That's a motorcycle helmet, Joe. That's even better than a fucking bike. It's going to protect your nuggin. You don't want that. That's super cool, dude. Yeah, you can get thrown from a bike. On a city bike, you look really cool. Yeah, you guys are trying to trick me.

I already. look fucking awesome i get the bit just you're just in a cab watching that go by you're like how this guy's bike ride but it does look cool as shit safety first i got a child what are you gonna do we all we all got we all got kids yeah we don't fucking you don't ride a bike no one i ride a bike in the city all the time when's last time you rode a bike show us your city bike app show it you don't show it to me rachel i'll show it to you right now and then when i show you and you're wrong i get to fucking slap your nose. I don't know.

I like it. As long as you're talking to the damn, I don't know. I think it's a buckboard, a nose slap. Nice nose slap, right? Yeah, dude, there we go. We'll get you a Patriot helmet. That's cool. Oh, that'd be sick.

Get a good one. Get a shot. $800? $800? V-C-I-S-0-2, trench helmet? 800 bucks? I don't know. I've always seen it my whole life.

What's with these $800 helmets? I mean, you want your head protected, right? Bobby's downloading me out right now. Right history, pusswack. Wow. July. By 20.

Yeah, when I was in town. July 22nd. I mean, that's not that far. That's not that long ago. Within a month is good job. You could spot my number. Look at all the rides, though. That was zero dollars that day.

No, because the one bike did work. Oh, zero dollars. Oh, you didn't ride a bike. July 13. Oh, you tried to and you gave up. No, the bike was like, the weight limit. Excited. You're hurting me.

He sat on it and the tires pop. That's so weird. I'm getting AI generated messages from the bike itself. He rides a E-E-Bike. I think my credit card's fucked up. Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Maybe they didn't... Yeah, something's up.

Oh, no, guys. I rode a bike. Uh-huh. Let's see. Yeah, look, it tells you where I wrote it from. Bang to bang. Look, I wrote it from there to there. Wow.

And then... Ten blocks, you lazy piece of shit. And then from near to there. Yeah, I used it to go across town. because there's no cross-town. You ride cross-town with no helmet? Fuck yeah, because I'm a man. Wow, I pray that one.

I hope it's not an electric bike. It's an e-bike. You ride an electric bike in the city. It's not electric. First of all, it's a pedal assist electric bike. It only goes so fast, and then it shuts it down. It's got like a governor on it. It's got, yes.

You want to take that bad boy off? Let's, I can do anything with us. Dan's that guy in the neighborhood. Is he flying that off? I go, what do you got a Phillipsette over here? Pan says black box. We'll get helmets together. You want to see Spicer?

We'll be buddies. I have a cool helmet. I bought a cool one, but I don't want to carry it. I'm going to have it. I got to hold it. You hook it up to your purse? My purse? No, I'm not fucking around.

You think I'm gay? I just realized this whole conversation, you've called me a homo. You got a fucking purse. If you got to an accident, the Kate Spade purse. If you got to an accident, your purse contents would go flying, your lipstick. I don't want that.

Look at this. He's wearing a... You and Big J. With your fucking purses, you fatt. That is so much gayer than a helmet. That's a crossbody. It is. It is definitely gayer than a helmet.

There's a man in a red bike helmet and he just isn't in the leave for the day of shit. I really am talking shit and I'm wearing a Louis Vuitton cross-body male purse. That's crazy. Dude, when you looked at it, that looked like when my mom was just going to grab my purse. First of all, you give me, how am I going to carry my lipstick?

Yeah. On my blush. You got blush. I have three deldos. I got my rabbit. What am I going to sit on on the train up? I got my chain that connects my glasses around the back of my chest. And a hard candy.

Can I try your helmet on? It fucking stinks. Can I try your purse on? Yeah. Yeah, dude, put it on. Can I tell you, though, in all seriousness? It's literally a woman's purse. It is.

Dude, feel the band. It's like when you pick up your mom's purse. She leaves it in the house and she goes, go get my purse. Oh, get my purse. Probably bought somebody bras that gave him a purse. Dude, this is insane. Louis, Louis, that looks sick on you. No, it doesn't look.

Yeah, don't listen to fucking earth-tone Dan. It's from Louis J. Vathan. This guy has no fashion. I love an earth tone. Dude, that looks sick on. Christine bought this for you for your fucking gift. No, dude, that is, that looks sick of you. No, no, what?

Did Christine buy this for you? No, are you out of your mind? Did you guys hear of mine? Sorry, that was good. I just want to shake your hand. Sorry, dude. That was a good one. Can I try the helmet?

Yeah, try it. The hardest part is keeping it on my chin because the strap. The dicks that you suck in a park. What? Oh, wordy. That looks nice. Let me see. That was a wordy.

You're a what? You're a fucking word. Let's see. How's it look? I think it's pretty good. Crossing guard vibes. It feels like my head is getting hugged because I have no hair. You do like one of those bike cops, but like one of the lead ones.

You know what sucks is I have a- head guys. I have a chin so this doesn't fit. Yeah. What are you standing on? Pacific blue over here? Oh, the segue. You just got Paul Blurt.

It looks pretty cool. I got to say. If I look that cool. I love the Lewis just acted that out like that. He did the perfect segue. You do? It does fit your head well. What are you got, an old school camera?

Old school camera? Can you help me, it's an iPhone? There you are. That's nice. When did we start calling him Louis? I don't know. I think this episode.

I don't like that. I call him Louis every once in a while. I call him Louis. That first of all, looks sick on you. I'm getting you one. Damn, all right. I'll get you one. You guys are going to go purse shopping again?

Your anal beads are hanging out the top of this. That's what they're supposed to be It looks good Dude, your chick would love you with that No, she wouldn't She would She'd go I need to buy me a woman

What did you rob an old lady? Fucking great, dude My wife is born in 1978 If I showed up with a purse She'd call me the F word Yeah, he's from Massachusetts I love that he gets in the F word He says it all the time

Dude Well, he lives it It's a cross-bottle It's his culture Yeah, I could I couldn't wear this. I couldn't put this on with... Let me try that bad boy. It's not.

It's not going to hit your head. I know. Let's see what it is. You can't put a helmet on a helmet. You can't put the top of his head like a yamauga? My safety yamaica. Like men on film? Let's see how this bad. It does feel good though on your head.

How it works. You look. Dan. You need an XL. I just want to turn to my phone. This is the quietest. It's like when they would put, like, Herman Munster in, like, football gear. I can't fit.

Dude, this is... Why doesn't it have a little, like, a little fin in the front for speed? I think that's shade. For women that are passing by? Is that for your lady? I did that when I went horseback riding. We had to wear helmets on the stupid horse, and I would always tip my helmet to the people. I think it's a good-looking helmet.

Let me say. I don't like it. Put it on. What if you used to be coming, Joe, when you put it up? Oh, fuck out. You guys ever, did you guys like ketchup? I love it. That looks good.

Don't fuck it up. Yeah, look, you live with the purse in the helmet. I think you look cool. Yeah, you look like one of those delivery guys that rides in and out of traffic. Bike messengers? Got it. Yeah, with that purse. That was a very desirable job when I was a street kid.

That was the higher level for streeters. That was like, get so. Funny. Oh, you heard Chris, he got a job This guy's whizzed down 6th Avenue with the Death Wish. Yeah, dude. Dude, yeah, the fucking,

yeah, being delivery guy, that was like, when I first moved to New York City, I thought I applied for a few jobs. Wasn't there a movie about, can you look that up on there? Quick Silver. Is that it? Is there any more delivery guys?

Bike, just like Uber. No, there's a ton of, but they all have e-bikes. They used to have like 10 speeds and fly to the city. Around $40,000 a year. And, In New York City?

That's not great. Yeah, they're all, they're a premium rush. Top earners are going to reach 50K a year. That's huge. Premium rush. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. What was Quicksilver with, was a Kevin, Kevin Bacon?

Yeah, I love that movie. That was a, he was a bike messenger too, right? No, Quigil was a Western, isn't it? No. What's Quicksilver. What's Quicksilver. Unbelievable. Let's have a lot of conversation.

Sidebar. Oh, look at that. Kevin Bacon. I apologize, Robert, you were right. I've never been along John Silvers. Thank you, Dan. You're welcome. Gownability.

Ring the bell. That's the episode. Downability bell. Yeah. That's the used to write Penn speeds all the way. And back in the day... Oh, I just came in my pants. Oh, you guys are gay.

They had no breaks. What? I made that out. Paul Rodriguez. Shout out Paul Rodriguez. Dick Warlock. Great name. Jamie Gertz.

Dick Warlock is incredible. What happened to Paul Rodriguez? I saw him at a bar in Tucson one time. And I go, hey, Paul Rodriguez, we were at the urinals. And I go, hey, Paul Rodriguez, are you on a comedy tour? They're just like, I don't even think I started stand-up yet. And he goes, I'm on a drinking tour. And I was like, hey, all right.

And that's what happened to Paul Rodriguez. That's amazing, that phone call of you, calling. Who'd you call? It surfaced. You're a young man? Oh, I called Lovelin with Adam Carole and Dr. Tru. And Bill Bellamy was the game. I heard that it was adorable.

It almost made me cry. Oh, yeah, but I was like, I knew I was already moving to New York. I just wanted to get on because Corroll. What was it? I don't know what you hear it talking about. It's somewhere on the internet. I heard it, but Dan's like, oh, my God, I just wanted to do comedy. It's so great.

I'm going to move to New York. What do you think? I was a bored op. I did like overnights and board op. But I'd board op love line for like four years. It was awesome because they would do 20 minutes up front. So I just go out to the parking lot and smoke weed. Come back in, run the commercial break.

Go back out. Like, listen to the radio. Can we find that? Was it on Twitter? I don't know where I heard it. It's somewhere online. Paco's looking for it now. But Bill Bill.

They really does live his life like he's in the cast of Dazed and Confused. But I win out. That's Paul Rodriguez is... What are you doing, Paco? Pay attention, you're fucking ass. I can't. I can't. I'm going to have a heart of that.

I'm going to have a hard thing. He's an idiot. That's the trolls. They give me a real search. You brought up Paul Rodriguez. I'm like, here we go. I got a good topic, a good thing to listen to him. Oh, my God.

I was finding me up. And I look up his fucking Paul Rodriguez. We should get things to throw at him. What do? We have to know, there's too much space in between us and his head. That's the problem. Why don't we get him in a dunk tank while he does all. Oh, he does all that.

the stuff that way we can throw we could throw shit at the dunk tank and he has to go in the water but the dunk tank is full of our piss no dude we get that would take a long time that's actually I don't know but I would save up for that

I would send bottles of Poland springs it would take a year but at the end of the year all right pressurized drum pedal that's on his ball bag so we have our we have it here I mean that's just

no he'd be into that he's Filipino he's like oh ugh oh oh oh oh oh but I used to board up Lovelin and then Adam Carolla was retiring. Are you looking for it at all?

Probably not. So I'll just tell them. I heard them whispering, Loveline bands. But it was like his last week or his second to last week and Corolla was leaving it and I was like, I was wanting to call in the Loveline but I didn't have anything.

So he was like, he was talking about, I remember exactly he was talking about like athletes not playing high school football or not playing college football and going right to the pros. and he was talking about Mike Anderson the running back for the Denver Broncos

who set a rushing record and he like just started playing football when he was in the Army and I was like oh shit I know that and I called their hotline because I had their number because I worked at the station so I called their producer

on the fucking hotline he was like hello and I was like hi my name's Dan I'm a board off in Tucson I have a question for Bill Bellamy and he was like okay and then that's when they put me on and I was like

wow hey Bill I'm gonna move and do stand-up should I move to L.A. or New York You asked Bill Bellamy. Yeah, I didn't care. I just wanted to talk to Adam Cirola. Adam Cora. Adam Cora.

He's so funny. Dude, it was Cora and Patton Oswald on the same show. That's great. It was awesome. That's great. They both just like leaned into their thing, but in such a fun, playful way. Yeah. They were like zinging each other a little bit, but it was fucking, it was, they were great, dude.

Oh, that's, I'm excited for it. Two old dogs. I love it, dude. And they're both awesome. Corolla and Patton both fucking rule. Jason Muse. Oh, yes. Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay from Jay and Silent Bob. How was he? Great. Yeah. That's awesome. What a fun episode. How does Pat and all, like in life,

does he look weird? Patton Oswald? Yeah. What? No. See a little tiny dude? Yeah, a little bit of a little tiny dude.

He looks like he's kind of like your build. He's six seven in real life when you see him. Fuck is that me? Like a little like just not like a very, kind of a little arms. I don't have little arms? Little arms. Small guy versus small statue.

No reach. Not intimidating. Oh, really? Fat but small. Approachable? Fat but small. small? I love fat doing fat jokes.

A little more testosterone. I'm plumped right now. I'm a hot dog you put in the... You're wearing that shirt for three weeks. You don't think I know fat shirts when I see him? I need scissors. Cut me.

James cut me. Where's my fat shirt? James, put me out of another skank fest. I'm ripping through these jerse. We're all skankfish shit. Do you have any other in the merch closet? For all the parents out there with teenagers, we know you're already trying to keep

a million different things under control, and that's why Cash App is there to make... Here. Not there. It's here. Whoa. Cash app is here to make sure... It's everywhere, baby. And their spending isn't adding to the craziness. I'm sure Max is probably spending like a savage. You know what he gave me that day. He walked up,

he goes, here's 12 bucks. Give me 50... How did you know? I told you not to tell anybody. Max has full-blown AIDS. Yeah. And he's got it. And it's no problem with the cash app card.

He can buy that cocktail that'll take him into his 20s. He's not even HIV. He's very sick. No, it was, there was a lot of bathhouse use in the Kelly family. Guys, with the cash app card available to teens 13 to 17 with sponsorship by an eligible parent or guardian, every transaction triggers a real-time notification for you to see empowering your team to practice independence. while giving you peace of mind by keeping track of their spending.

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who's that some dude in Africa that was posing as a small hot Puerto Rican girl That's so funny. It's my new girlfriend. I called it. He's a hello. Hi. Is this my father? I look forward to being a part of your family.

He said put Max on. Max there. He gets me so high. I don't want to talk to you. You are old. I want the young, hot one. Parents, it's time to start focusing on your teen's financial learning and growth instead of stressing out about the fine print.

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I mean, that's just a scam. Just do that over and over and over again. Term supply. Term supply. That's money. That's cash app. Cash up is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners,

prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC, direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage, and discounts provided by Cash App, a block, ink, brand. Visit Cashap. Dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. And we thank you for the one and only time you will be sponsoring us. Guys, we're going to take a little break and tell you about this. Lucy.

I love Lucy. Oh, Lucy. Lucy sent me these little, the new thing they have. I was wild. I call Bobby a Lucy Goosey. Dude? That's how much he loves Lucy. Oh, dude.

That's a little butt-wiggling nickname. Dude, have a cookie. Have a cookie, dude. Oh, that's how it starts. You fucking crack addict. It starts with one. I've been taking a lot of Lucy juicies. I don't know why.

Diarrhea. Lucy breakers bring nicotine pouches to the next level. I just got these with a flavor capsule inside each one that can break to release a wave of flavors right in your mouth. Oh, it's going to bust in your mouth. I have plum flavor, Lucy. Now we lost that. Try the sea salt. And you guys put the bleach with the asparagus.

It's like your boyfriend busted in your mouth. What did you eat, you'll say, after you put it in your mouth? Did you have soy sauce? Hung, I mean, might as well. What? By and as well. By and the spice. With the opposite, it's like berry, citrus,

berry, citrus, espresso, mango. This is the last rags. An apple cider. That's God. And flavors. Cisole. We're doing it for no money now. We always were.

Fannie's like, what the fuck are you guys doing that? Guys, guys, guys. You're making me look like an asshole. I actually got them and I used them. I love them in the car when I'm driving a long way. Fwop on those Lucy's with the new flavor pouch inside. It really is pretty wild. They also have gum.

They have a lot of different things. It's great. The company's great. They've been with them for a long time. Come. Gum. Gummy, gum. Okay, there you go.

Gum. They sell cum, guys. Just so you know, if you go to lucy.com, you can buy pouches of cum. Is there a way we can just use these reads as the episode and then it also counts as the read? No, but this is the thing. More people will listen to our ads than anybody else. Because we're disrespecting our sponsors. We're respect.

A lot of respect. We love our sponsors. Put a respect. I love sponsors. This is the only funny part of the show. We fucking dut it out. We came in our pants. Lucy.com slash regs with a Z.

You're going to get 20% off. And here comes a fine print, Joe. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Good job. Your mouth was made to say nicotine.

Nicotine, nicotine, nicotine. That's good, man. That's good. Gangfest is coming soon. November. Right? Yeah. Oh.

Cold weather. Two and a half months, right? No, three months. Three months, but it'll be cold weather. Is it going to be cold? Not in New Orleans. I know, but I just can't wait for the cold for sweatsher at weather. What?

You like sweatshirt weather. Oh, I wish we were in sweatsh weather right now. Oh, right? You could be so fat. It looks so cool. Oh, my God. Slimmy down so much. Oh, I'd love to wear a hoodie right now.

I hide all of it. Already dreading the winter. What? It's so spectacular. Because you got good legs. You don't like the fall? I like the fall. The fall is dreading the winter.

You go three months of the fall. Sorry. what is it wow no what is it wow james said the gayest thing any man has ever said yesterday I like the helmet it just because you reminded me

what you just said you reminded me of it you just said it was like it's spectacular would you say yeah spectacular it's nice what do you say you can't find what it's out there if you guys

really want to hear it it's nothing it's not it's not dead meat worth stopping the show but it does exist it's out there James said to me, because he did two camps. He did a musical theater camp last week, and they did an improv camp the week after. Is that the gay part?

Right? So I asked him, I was like, what did you? I said it burnt. What did you say? I said, is that the gay part? No. So I asked. Musical camp into improv is a double dose of day.

You are dunking him and gay. Max is in a hunting camp this week and a survival camp next week. That's why it would be the funniest if James is just an absolute. Pussy magnet and then Max is gay and that would be the funniest thing where he's like no James said I mean hunting camp and then by like his 20s like dad I have a problem I get too much pussy I had to start dad this is this is my husband I had to start texting this the family members it was so gay I was like you should oh no Joe you're gonna you're gonna love this if your son texts you something like this one day you're gonna he goes I was like what do you like better the the musical theater camp or did you like the improv class camp better? And he goes, I like acting. I can act for a little while. But after a little bit, I just got to sing.

I got to be extravagant. All right. Yeah. I think they're in the right camps. I just got him. Wow. Holy shit. That's great.

And I said to him, I was like, Jay, James, I was like, that was the gayest thing anybody's ever said. The gayest didn't ever. But sometimes, I just got to say. What if he's gay? he's not what if he is yeah well it's his fault

I'll put him in fucking improv in theater class he loves theater in improv he loves it I love theater too did it yeah he's a well-rounded let Max go fucking hunt James will fucking choke him out

and take his fucking bow and shove it up his ass and start kissing him him don't cry for me little Maxie you know this makes me more dangerous

I love that he made it a bow It's not even a gun I don't know what I like Oh fuck me You got a gay son Who cares? I know I'm kidding you fucking idiot

I know I'm kidding you fucking idiot It's not defending your son I love you son It's a very serious podcast It's yeah I know it is with you Don't know jokes Are you wearing a helmet The girl that he likes

The girl that he likes Told him she was like You're gay No she goes She was like you're They were talking about their parents And she was like Your father does racist comedy

What? I never thought the arc would be you costing James Pussy because of skanks. Oh, is it, is she Spanish? Yeah, Spanish girl. Yeah, I don't know exactly what she saw. Maybe anything. I mean, you don't have to take that much of a field sample. She just scoop up that lava.

She moved the cursor over. It's like a fat. Oh, wow, that was quick. Edward. This thing is. ripe with it. Wow. That's fucking weird.

That's so funny. It was so funny because I talk about it in my act now about how I'm nervous about a lot of the shit that I've sent him done on podcasts. Do she finds that? I know. Well, now I felt bad because he was like, you know, he was just like, he was like, dad. He was like, you know, I told him, you don't do race comedy. I was like, well.

That's got to be so confusing for him because he goes, dad, I'm sticking up for you. You go, now. Well, listen. It's not wrong, son. No, I just told them. I was like, look, I was like, I make fun of everything. and I do make fun of races. I do make fun of a lot of different things.

I was like, but the truth is, it's for adults. It's not meant for kids to understand the nuance. I was like, if anybody says anything like that from school, just tell them it's not meant for kids. That's your dad is on the internet. Sorry that your parents can't watch adult comedy. Yeah, Pussies. Yeah.

Oh, sorry, do they have to have it nerfed? Yeah. You guys seen the Billy Joel, Doc? No. That was a fucking weird segue. You really want to talk about, huh? I watched part one. Did you say segue?

I didn't watch part two. I watched part one. It's my segue impression. Part one and two, awesome. It's like a five-hour duck. Every time I watched it, when I did watch it,

they were smoking inside and that always makes me. What is it on? Smoking in the boys' room. Great Billy Joel song. Smoking cocks at Lewis's room because he's gay. Sorry,

I got to be extravagant sometimes. Is it Billy Joel? Don't you dare. I shared that with you guys so I could fucking get it out. I can't keep it hidden. It was, It was causing cancer in my body.

Can I ask you a question? If James winds up being gay, is that really, that's not going to fuck with you at all? No, not at all. What about you? If Max winds up being gay, there's no way. There's no way. I gave him a gun. If he's gay, fucking give a shit.

I'll give me fucking buy gay. No, I'll kill him, but I'm saying, I'm not going to deal with it in any way. He goes, I don't know what you mean. I won't have a son. Oh, all right. That's pretty extra. What about you? Well, you don't have to worry about pregnancy as much.

That's nice. Nice. if Marty was gay, would you, you wouldn't care. You're a liberal faguer. You'd like it. You'd probably love it. You'd say, yay, yay, bye, Marty. You know what?

I'm not the one of the bike helmet, pussy. I'm not the one with a bike helmet pussy. Hold on, Judge, you said, I'm not the one with the bike helmet pussy. I'm sorry, I stepped all over. Would you get your son? You'd get your son a helmet too, right? Of course, yeah.

Well, that's the other thing. You've got to have the helmet on, so he'll be willing to wear a helmet, because otherwise he'll go, you don't wear a helmet. We never wore helmets growing up, though. No, we didn't, but we got fucking fucked up. How many kids do you don't get fucked up?

I don't know, personally, a comedian that died. Hang on. Hang on. I'm talking about when we were kids. Old joke, go. Bobby, you used to ride a bike made of asbestos. Wow. You should have said it.

You wrote a bike with two wheels. What is that doing there? What is this? A bike with two wheels. I was going to take it because I said two wheels. Yeah, by nature. I said, by. No, it did by nature just because I hate you?

approximately 20 not because I hate you What is it? Whatever. How many people read it, Danny? 2,670 bike related injuries injured, that's it. Dude. More people died in 9-11. We used to make ramps. Remember when you were a kid you'd make a ramp for your bike

and you'd jump over all the kids? Yeah, it was the best. It was the fucking best. Bobby, I would never do that. I would not let you try to jump over me. Suicidal kids. Why? Because you're fed.

Doesn't work. I wasn't a fat kid dumb dumb People couldn't get over you with a dirt bike I was never fat when I was a kid You weren't at all I was my first fat was sixth grade And then I got skinny really Six grade's not a kid

I was fat for like a couple months And then I started You literally were fat During the age that you build a ramp And try to jump over your friends Never fat then That was sixth grade That's because isn't it crazy

Your friends would all find excuses And anyone want to do that with you They go um No I can't do a ramp today Bob I gotta go read They're going to go read the Bible We never wore helmets We never we know

Nobody even Never saw our dad It was not even on the menu Oh the menu Dude if you wore a helmet They didn't make them They didn't make them They were like

They got Bobby to wear a helmet It was if you put it on a menu He goes What's this? What does it come with? Do I have to wear it? Do I think the number two With a helmet?

Can I have a helmet with fries Dude? I want to grab his side I want to grab his pasta I'll be back in a month You're not going to be back in a month Now here's my question, dude Is the helmet filled with the fries?

I get a sauce On the helmet fries I'll take an extra large helmet fries Chili cheese sauce That did that with ramp sauce Keep making Lewis laugh When he laughs when he laughs

His belly jiggles Yeah They fucking chuckles I'll take a chili I'll take it I'll take a chili cheese helmet But also, by the way When we were kids

We were in suburbs riding on the sidewalk Yeah, there's grass and shit. I'm like riding down Broadway. You could fall into the grass. When we were kids, we used to, remember in the winter? you'd grab onto a bumper

and let it drag you down the fucking street. That was back to the future, Bob. There was also a video game called sketching on Sega Dennis. In the winter, we used to call it mushing. We used to get in Boston all the time, right? I never did that. That's what sketching.

In roller blades, we would do. We would, on UPS trucks, we're great for it because they would never, in buses, because they didn't like, they never got to like crazy speeds. In the winter. In the winter, when it snowed out, we would grab on the, we'd wait for cars to come down.

We would grab on it because they used to have bumpers, an actual metal bumper. We'd all grab the bumper and it would just drag you down the street like skis. When there's ice. No, snow. Just snow. The street was covered with snow. Yes.

Yeah. Snow. Yeah. So what would you be on your feet? You'd be on your feet. Your sneakers. Just fucking. We didn't have, like, snow shoes.

You had sneakers all year round and, and you wore sneakers. Well, no, we had snow shoes. We didn't have like. We didn't have like snow shoes. Like they're asking you fucking jerk off. The giant tennis rackets. We didn't have boots. We didn't have boots.

We got to go to school. I had hush puppies one year for winter, and I lost one in a snowbag. What's a hush puppy? Oh, I thought of, like cornbread? He used to put those on your feet? The delicious bread. No, you fats out. It's a shoe.

Hush puppies are also a treat. No, hush puppies are a treat. Oh, really? That's all you had all winter? I had a hush puppy, and I lost it in the snow. Oh, yeah. I found it in the spring. You're just oddly formal?

No, it was more like a boot, like a top boot. It was a school shoe. No, I never had winter boots. I would always have my sneakers. No, sneakers. Winter would hit. Well, it's it. You have wet socks.

I'm like that now. I just stopped on my bike with my shoes. We have sneakers now, like sneakers now. Back then you wore sneakers and just got them fucking dirty the first day. Now people have sneakers that they'll walk. I've seen Verzi like tip throw through puddle. Oh, yeah, dude. I fucking, I treat my sneakers like I'm a black teenager.

I have like 10 different fucking, I have more of like 20 pair probably. Oh, what's your shoe closet? it like bitch i have so many shoes what type of shoe do you have on right now have an air force one let me see it can you pick your leg up this is like my knock around let me see knock around what is this the 50s is where i wear my knock around shoes my knock around yeah well i have nice shoes that i wear that i wore that i know knock around makes it seem like you're shooting dice hey hey hey what i just call something fucking fantastic or something you got you got the same shoe all the time balance 1080s i have one pair of shoes at a time all the time oh really yeah

see i have like four pairs that's why i have like four pairs that's why i'm I said my knock around. I got these. These are the new... Underarmory? Did you steal them? They still have the test. Slip.

They got the security tag. Oh, you got the Howie Mandel's, dude. These are the, this cranks. You got the Howie... You don't have to wait. And they pull it out and you take them off or you crank it or you slip them on. You got the Howie Mandel. If you pull that thing off, ink explodes.

Bobby stole his shoes. He's got an ink, weep, weep, weep, weep, we, it looks like an ink bag. It looks like the tank. He goes, I got part of it off, but, you know, the rest of it was going to ruin the shoe. Thank God it wasn't the blue ink, you know what I mean? There's no, it's not a shoelace. It's a twist slays. Yeah, it's to make sure that the scanners go off when you left to the store with him.

We got it. We got it. Why are you so defensive? Did you steal those shoes? Maybe I did, Dan. He's like, no, if you freeze them, you can break it off. The ink won't explode. You ever do a show of Bobby?

He'll give you cash with blue ink on it. this fucking blow up this is a silly show why are you holding yourself stop holding your stomach I'm so full of Chinese food right now I got a topic what

put your arm down you're freaking me out you're gonna like it what what the four of us have to rob a man it's like oh no no no it's like I got a topic

no I'm already started it's already started it's like one of these I got a to oh I got a topic okay you know like you know the premise of like the saw movie Some spooky guy comes

I saw a movie, yeah He grabs us And he says Hey, you four I'm going to shoot your wives And your dogs And rape your kids I put explosives

In all over your penis They're going to shoot your wives Dogs and kids And rape the kid Whatever it is They go I put explosives In all of your penises

Right in the urethra If you don't rob this bank I'm going to blow up all your cogs If we all lost our car So the four of us have to rob a bank It doesn't matter Who does what Now we get

Now we're together I thought it was good. I thought it was good. It was like a whole bit. It was the whole thing. You wouldn't want your dick blown up? I like the voice. But he was on a thing with the kids and the wife.

Fuck your kids. Your cough's blown up is way worse. They're going to cut your dog's head off. Fuck, it's a dog. And your wife's head. I'd love to get a new dog. That is psychotic. I would love to get a new dog.

They're going to chop your wife's head up into pieces. Let it happen. They're going to kill that poor woman. I'm just saying, I think Dick bomb is better. Whatever it is. Now, can I watch him? Can I watch him cut my heart off? I'll go to Canada, do the same podcast.

Can I help him cut the head off? Jerk off. Can I ask her a question? And then as she's answering it in the cunt way, I can watch him saw her head off. What's the code? What's the code? The four of us at the rob a bank. Who does what?

I'm the wheel man. Buddy. The four of us got a rob a bag. You don't drive. No, Lewis is definitely not the wheelman. He's been too many accidents. No, but I'm reckless. I'll get us where we need to go.

That's true. You might want me as a real man. Lewis will fucking rear into a box truck immediately. Lewis will be on his phone. I can be the guy that does the talking. Bobby drives. I'll drive. I can be the guy that shoots in the air and goes,

everyone get the fuck down on the ground. That's good. You're the guy. Lewis is the guy that does this. No, I'm the guy who's going from tell her to tell her going, if you don't want to talk, here's what you're going.

Listen up everyone. No, but then you're the guy. No, see, this is what's happening. You are the leader guy, but I'm the one who's getting really wildly and crazy. That's what I mean. And Joe's trying to keep it under control. Joe's over there trying to shoot the color in the fucking.

No, Joe's, Joe's, he goes full wangro. No, Joe's shaking. Joe's shaking. Somebody moves and goes, sir, bam! And he just blows her the fuck away. And he fucking run up. Yeah, he put it right in the cut and blow her up. Lewis is the absolute, the guy that goes, what are you looking at, pussy?

And he goes, I had not look at anything. Bang, bang, bang, big, he had a gun. He was going for his fucking gun. He's the one that blows it. We're in the band going, what the fuck's wrong with you, you stokeau. I tell the guy going for his gun, I go, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Yeah, Dan doesn't want to kill anybody. God damn it, Louis.

I say his name, you go, you said my name. And then we all get in the car. Joe's the safe car. We all get in the car and I yell at you. What the fuck? It took too long. Joe will fucking have the fucking stethoscope against the safe. He's cracking the code.

What is it called? Stethoscope. Yep, actually, Bobby should be the hack. You're the best computer guy. Well, he's a hackiest. No, you're the hackiest. You're the tech guy. Bobby should be the laptop.

fucking doing that. Eat the cookie or don't eat the cookie. I broke it up. Yeah, but you're fucking, you're taking chips off the top. What did you say? If you give a Dan a cookie, he wants a glass of a little. Okay, mastermind is obviously me. That's easy. Brute is obviously Lewis. A mastermind. No, you're the nervous

safecracker. We just, you look like a rat. It's a guy that looks like a rat, right? We call you the rat. We call you the rat. No one's even hurting each other. We're having a nice time. And you come out. You're calling him a hack and me a rat?

We're having a nice time. He goes, what about you, you rat? What the fuck is it? Joe, it's comedy and my looks? What are you doing? It's Lewis. We're trying to have a fun time. That was like one of those personal foul for the NFL where you go,

I don't think that guy should play in the league. He's got some dead film members. You want to hit him? Joe, he lashes out when he's fat. Can I get another cup of cream, please? Oh, smooth operator. That's me. Can I please have

Another full cup of heavy cream please I'll take a tall tea Grande Tee I ain't nobody's fucking listening This guy's he's killing it Lewis is the brute Lewis is the brute Dan is the smooth operator

No me and Dan set this up together We hired Rat Safecracker over here No no we didn't know We hired the driver The four of us they told us we had to do something Don't change the game No we're not changing the game No change

We want to do this Why don't you lose you get serious? Dick bombs would have been the ultimate. The whole thing, we don't need to be. We're just doing this. We're cool and we're just robbing banks. Thank you. I love the dick bombs.

I was like, how did you get the dick bombs in? Exactly. Like when I was sleeping? I was like a brand. Welcome to the world of AIDS. Crazy, dude. You know what I mean? You look on the lipstick on your mirror and it's like you have a dick in your urethra.

Did you like, drug me to get my dick bomb in? Where's I sleeping? I think I actually drive. I have a perfect driving record. I drive to the city. And I'm calm. Who's the safecracker? I think I might be you.

You're a tech guy. You're the driver. I'm the safe crapper. He's the brute. You're the smooth operator. What's the smooth operator do? No, Bobby, you're the... I go like this.

If you don't have it, don't try it, stupid. I didn't even think about what I was going to say. Bobby, you're the... He's like a toddler. He was waiting for you to assist him, and he didn't help. I didn't have anything in the pocket. I just started speaking before. Buddy, you're, yeah, I don't want to do this anymore.

The idea was based on all day. I'll smoke cigarettes, watch out. It was based off of your look in your glasses. I got it. I know comedy works. I was going to say something about you being like the old Jewish guy. I'm at the Denver comedy works. Don't check.

Can you give him? He just made me live through his bomb. Can you take the helmet off? I think it's trapping the jokes on your head. Oh, funny again. Give me my helmet back. I don't want to forget it. I'm going to have lice.

I'm going to forget your bright red helmet. I get a small ice coffee with a little bit of cream. Give me a bad brain. Thanks. I'm smooth-uporaddy brain coffee. Bobby Brain coffee. Just give them the codes and no one's... You should start a coffee company called Bobby Brain.

I would. How would we do it? How would we rob a bank? That's my topic. Don't try to take my topic. This is the idea that I had. What would be the first step? Then we'll figure out the roles, right?

We'd have to talk to you and make sure. We're not cracking the safe. We're being honest about this. We're not going to be. You didn't tell us we have to get it. Honestly, I recommend we do a Brinks truck. And there's no... Too hard.

Too hard. It's a truck. What are we going to do with the truck? How are we going to get in? They'll just shoot us. Banks don't have guns. Banks don't have guns? Yeah, but they have a lot of fucking money on that truck.

And during the day, the safe is open. By the way, this is a real conversation. The safe is open during the day. I just wet my up to. So, when you're going to the bank, you just get the money. They don't have, they don't lock the safe during the day. They open it up to get shit out. I don't think that's true.

I don't think you just walk into the safe. You can walk. Well, how they, what you got to open it? They're open it every fucking time they've got to go in. Let's shift the plan. We're kidnapping an error. Hang on. Wait, oh, I got an idea.

Guys, this is ridiculous. I got an idea because the guy didn't specify what kind of bank. We rob a sperm bank. Hello, then we can't drink for free. You can't say we didn't rob a bank. We can't show in the vault. And he's like, he goes, oh, my, it's churley in the chocolate bakery, but it's gum. He goes, you can drink out of the river.

Lewis is yelling on him. Stop drinking the cum. Stop drinking all the cup. You're ripping the bag. It's our score. He's ripping the bag. Joe's like, it's like fucking cake battered. Joe's just slicing them up.

Fucking cake's day of my life. I'm sucking it all up. Don't forget to try Lucy's, the sea salt flavor. Dude, I'm a big fan of it. Dock Dock as a hypochondriac, Zoc Doc is the cure. This is how we found out Max had AIDS. Whoa. It was an online doctor.

Dude, you can't keep a secret to save your fucking life. He's getting nuts. I know. I can't keep a secretitis. That's why I have to go to Zock.com. No, Zoc Doc is awesome. It's an app where you just download, and then you can book in-network appointments

with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty. So no matter what's wrong with you, a la what Lewis is going through or Mac. Allah? Allah. You can pray to Allah. We can love to doze. Appointments made through Zock dog.

We don't want to keep any of our sponsors. This show is just going to be bare bones. Finance through other avenues. If you guys go and use these sponsors and use our codes. Go to Zock doc doc. Yeah. That's ZocDOC.com slash rake. Seriously, though, if you do need a doctor's appointment, I'm not joking.

It's great. I'm all a Zock all the time. Yeah, no, me too. I'm going to use it. What is it? That's how I'm going to use it. What is it? That's how you.

That's how you find it. I've had it. I heard you. All right. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zococ.com slash regs to find an instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's ZOC-D-O-C dot com slash reg.

Save that five times real fast. Go now. Z-O-C-D-O-C. Z-O-C-D-C. That's not that tough one. You said it three times and you failed. Zock.com slash regs, dude. Guys, sit down.

I need to talk to you because life's been a little crazy lately. You know what helps me? Cornbread's hemp CBD gummies. It's just a nice thing. a little chewy way to relax on the world. And they have both CBD and THHC ones. Bobby, you don't need to get high. You could just take the CBD ones and take

them before you go to bed and help you go to sleep. Chill out. Can I get high, dude? They won't get you high. I want to. CBD? No, no, no, you're not allowed to get high. Why? I want it. No, stop. You need a cookie. I'm doing... Bobby, here's the deal. They only use the best part of the hemp plant. Oh. Flour for the purest and most potent. When I do drugs, I use the worst part of the hemp plant. Narrow it. The poppy seed.

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Hey, what happened to the clock? What I mean? We should have plugs, right? And then figure out how we rob the bank. We'll do some plugs. Rob the bank. I'll go first. Guys, come see me on the road.

Go to Lewisofskanks.com. They bring five friends store. Come into a city near you. This comes out Wednesday. To the end of the year. The whole year. Jesus. I'll be in The Gathering of the Jugglers this weekend with Big J.

Zach Miko and Tim Butterly. Then next weekend I'm at Providence, Rhode Island. The Comedy Connection, very excited. August 22nd and 23rd. Going to be a blast. Then September 11th, 12th, and 13th. I'll be in Portland, Maine. Woo!

That club, rule. It rules. Key West Florida coming up right after that. Levittown, New York, governors, Kenosha Comedy Club, Kenosha, Wisconsin, and Springfield, Missouri, and a lot more, Chandler, Arizona. It's all coming up. That's all up until October. Skank Fest right after that. Single Day passes for Skankf is available for Scank. Saturday's just about sold out. We're about to get locked out on Saturday. So get your Skank Fest tickets. Check out all my other pods, The Legion of Skank Story Wars, my solo podcast on my mailing list. And get my book. It's available for pre-order. It's officially done. Knives and Spillons. You get on Amazon right now. It's available for pre-order, and that comes out in December. I am going to be... An FBI agent. I am an FBI agent.

I'm going to be at the Brokerage Comedy Club in Long Island for one night, August 23rd, doing two shows. That's a Saturday night. Then I'll be in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live, September 5th and 6th for four shows. Then the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour starts. September 25th, United Theater in Los Angeles. We've got Seattle and Portland that weekend.

Go to DanSoter.com for all those dates. We've got the West, most West Coast and some Midwest cities announced. More to come, though. DanSoter.com. Thank you. Hey, this Friday night, I'm at Comedy Dojo. Morris Plains. I think Danny Braff might be on the show, maybe.

I don't know. And then Omaha, Nebraska. Those tickets, I sell nothing. We have nobody in the fucking Midwest, for God's sakes. Nebraska anyways. So please, if you're listening, come to Omaha the 22nd and 23rd I love that club I don't sell any tickets there

On the other hand September 11th through the 13th Denver Comedy Works That will sell out Every show will sell out So get them now It's already almost sold out And Austin

Mothership 5667 That sells out no matter who's there Is that the one downtown or the one outside Okay And then Austin get the tickets out Because I want the fans there You'll get shut out If you don't get the tickets early at Mothership

So do that And then the Tom Dustin Doc, I believe, might be coming out August 28th on PunchUp. Yeah. But Danny Frankel just told me. So sign up for my thing there. And I'm putting tons of shit on YouTube. Tons of stuff over there. Go over there.

They're doing well. Ride your bike on it. Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly. All my dates are up there. My special live from the Village Underground is up there. I'm in Rochester in October. and then I'm going to Tampa in October

to side splitters where Lewis shot is special Best Club in the country and then I don't even know how to say it Emmaus Theater in PA in November This is awesome So make sure you just go to punchup.com

slash Robert Kelly That's where all my dates are That's where my special is And I put a bunch of uncensored content up there And I do have a YouTube page YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy where Killbox is available to watch for free up there

and that's it of course check me out on the bonfire and you know what dude podcast All right we're back what's up What was your topic You haven't gone again Are you ready of your fucking kidding me

We're wrapping up Oh Ruth cream Wow you say sorry to him I'm sorry that snapping That was wild I was very upset I was so mean

I mean, the way he interrupted the show was nuts, but, I mean, snapping out. It was so mean. Paco, we're announcing the gas digital retreat, new location tomorrow for the whole staff. Do you guys film this? Is this like your fish tank? Yeah, we should, right? Yeah, you guys just fuck with him. What is the gas digital retreat?

Remember we were going to do, remember the Battle of the Network stars? Yeah, absolutely. Me and Lewis was talking about doing the Battle of the Podcast. You should absolutely do that. When we had Riotast and Gas Digital and we were going to try to get the All Things Comedy. We were going to dominate. We were going to go to Randall

Island. Me and Ralph were talking about Rent in the Park at Randall Island and doing competitions all day long. I got an idea. We should do that with podcasts. What? I got an idea. Point guard of podcast and coming up. Dan, you have those glasses? Put them on? Yeah. You do your blues singer describing what this

would be like if they did it. Like this. and then you do it give me the sunglasses I'll show you I'm gonna be honest I was kind of hoping you'd fucking not you'd yes anyway I don't understand the premise I'll show you watch We had a competition

Benna na na na nao Louis sucked at everything Because he's a fat homo Bannanna na na na da Bobby I hate this Bum Bum Bum Bally Bhop

He sucks also My Sarah smoking jokes are It's coming around. I thought it was good. Thanks, buddy. I knew what you were going to do. What's up, son? Soda would have done it better, but he fucking kicked the ball back to me.

He panicked. He didn't get nervous. I didn't panic at all. I flat out did not want to. He doesn't have it anymore. I did not want to. That would be a good thing at Skank Fest to do... The Soda Blugger.

I've been saying this. Stupid competitions with certain podcasts. I'm just trying to create a character. It might be fun. We could do that for three days. We can do Target. We could do a potato sat all that stupid potato salad He's like he's giving me a second potatoes

Possibly I'm shifting lanes I'm shifting lanes into delicious side dishes Just any sort of potatoes Banana do no do no Just try it From the day I was born Why you fucking try all his point guard shit? Yeah what the hell

Let him point guard It would be good It would be a solid It would be a solid Because you believe in it Yeah I don't believe in that Just try If I was right for you and you want this

You have glasses on yourself No, I want those glasses. Yeah, those are better. He's it better for blues. All right. What's your topic, though? The fucking same thing. All right.

Dan and Lewis are two fags. That sucked each other all. They're looking at me serious. Because they don't want to have no fun because they don't like it. When your friend tells you that his friend from work is funny. Lewis, you got to try it. Just try it. Just try it.

Just try it. This bit stink. Just try it. It's a good bet. I'm not bailing on my comedy partner, Dan Soder. More like Fartner. Now he's back. That was good.

And he's climbing back. You know what? I want a cookie. I think that helmet's some sort of monkey paw. Now I want to do it for comedy. I think you wear that helmet. It starts messing with your brain. Monkey paw bombed.

Joe, that was fun. That was fun. He would have had a blast. He would have been good. He would have been the best one. I know myself. Actually, I do think Lewis would be pretty good at it. Lewis would have been really good at it.

Lewis. Lewis. Lewis. I'm going to figure it out, but it's not that. Louis. Also, this feels like a bit. Joe made with one of the producers before the show he is. I thought I could do a blues thing.

We're going to rob a bank. I want a cookie so bad. You know what we do? It's making me sad. I can terminate too. What do we do? Shotgun in the crumble box. Yeah.

What are you talking about? When we rob the bank. Shotgun in. the crumbled box. That's a lot more than. That's a Jamaican classic. A classic radio tune. Shotgun in the crumbull box.

It's like past the dutchy upon the left-hand side. Shotgun in the crumble box. What if there was a Jamaican blues singer? Okay. There's a shotgun. You're not here on me, you know, bah.

You did it. You did it. We got to hear Lewis's back. Oh, boy. Lewis. I have, so no, how will we rob a bank? What will be the first step? First step.

We got to come up. Find the bank. All right. So Bobby's son is, is, uh, kidnapped. Kidnapped. No, his son's in the dick, dude. This old gay stung thing. I'm not going to call your son gay.

You already, you call my son gay. When did I call your son gay? Said your son choked my son out and took his bone arrow. No, then fuck him in the ass. James shoved it up his ass. Yeah, that's gay. Started kissing him. That's James being gay.

No, that's Max being gay. It's like the N word. We could call her own son's gay. We don't call each other's son's guy. It's a little bit far. You call me an ugly rat. Are you sensitive right now? Are you sensitive?

I'm sorry. For no good reason. Louis, I'm sorry. You're all right. I am all right. You're a little sensitive. Are you a little sensitive? Yeah.

Pick up the glasses. Put the glasses on and tell us why you're sensitive. My son is not gay. And neither is yours. I broke my scale the other day. I'm fat and gay. I'm fat and gay. Man, that old fat and gay

Louis Jacob I've seen him the rumor is He sold his soul to the devil I don't know how he kept that hot chick But she must have loved cookies too He called his son gay Oh, that man could call a son gay My daddy was a slave

What? What? What? I'm just doing like a character Dude I'm an old blues The old blues guy Might have a father that was a slave Joe coming out of the field

I mean, I used to call it a rat face, but that was when you had the helmet on. You're a different guy. It's like the green goblet helmet. Put the glasses on. What? Just put them on and see how it's... Put them on. Put them on.

I know how glasses feel. Put them on, and then we'll start the bit about how we rob the back. Let's see what happened. I'm a cool guy with glasses. Okay, great. That's great. Yeah, the cool guy. Hey.

Come on. Wait, wait, wait. Take that helmet off. That's the problem. It's frying everyone's brain. Yeah, it's making everyone on. comfortable, Joe. All right.

All right, so go ahead. What do you got? Why? So how do we start this process? How do we start this process? You're the brute. So, I mean, I don't know. Who's the mastermind?

Bobby would be the mastermind. Well, I'm obviously the mastermind. You're not the master. You're a pussy, dude. You can't be the master. You're the driver. Oh, I'm sorry. Have we been on one of y'all's topics for the last hour?

Or mine? I love that he turned ghetto southern. Oh, y'all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're up in my business. Oh, I know this motherfucker, not up here. This whole episode's me. When you pat the itch, I was laughing in the hampshire.

When you pat the itch? Oh, shit, that makes me say. Oh, my topic for an hour, motherfucker. Motherfucker, y'all. Go, Joe. You're the mastermind. You're the driver or the hacker. I'm the smooth operator.

I know the least about it. He's the smooth operator. I'm the smooth operator. I do a line of Coke in the car. before we go in. You can know him. But he smacks. I'm the loose cannon.

But he smacks it out of your hand. I told you not to do that. I'm the guy at the last second. But you listen to him. I dart Lewis. I'm like, yeah. And then I'm like this.

Darts. Why do you, do you dart? You knock them out. Do you have poison? I pull out a lightsaber. And then I chop Joe's head off. I'm at home.

I'm at home on my couch. Not a part of any of this. Oh, stop. You fucking. I'll do it myself. I'm taking a nap. Say you're not. Joe's a getaway driver,

Everybody's got the Jetson's car. We're out of here. Let's go, Elroy. Dan, wake up. We have to go. We have a bag to run. No. No, I was just dreaming

I was on a podcast with you three we didn't have to do this. Also, I had a dream that we had dicks in our balls. I worked lost prevention a long time. I was in our dicks. Yeah, you know. I don't know how to rob a store. Let's rob a store.

What type of store did you work at? Dix and our beer. Yeah. We're at Sears. What? Yeah. You got to create a distraction. You get a career at Sears.

Sears. Sears? He did a Caseers. Sears? Sears. What is Sears? He was a seer. He was like he could see the future.

He's an oracle. Who's a seer? Your dad? No, Joe. He worked in the Sears. Oh, he worked in the Sears. Your wife was a horacle. You worked at a Sears and Roebuck?

That's right. So how do you rob the store? What do you know? What's the inside job? You've got to be in the shortest amount of time possible and create a distraction. What store is it, though? Sears, but any store, department store. Let's say Target.

Sears. Okay. Perfect. Go light something on fire and the children's boys. Can we say it Best Buy? Or an injury. That's best by. Best Buy.

You do an injury. Because the loss prevention people also respond to an injury or slip and fall. When you say loss prevention, are you giving a fancy name for security? Yeah. Yeah, but that's what it's called. Yeah, it's called. That's literally what's called. Security's different.

Security's like a guy that stands there. He's hired to distract people. He's putting hands on. Loss prevention is guys just like you or whatever. He's a plain close cop. Yeah, it looks like. Oh, you're under. You're an undercover cop.

He's a narque. An undercover brother. But also... You're a white chick. We would handle safety. How about this? Me and him get into a fight. We get into a fight.

We start arguing loud. Yeah, but then I'm going to start beating your fucking ass. I don't want to, like, just start wrecking... You know, we're going to say... Lewis. Lou, Lou, Lou. Oh, yeah, you want, boy, okay.

Louis is walking around. We don't... He's going to fucking kill me. We don't get physical. we just push each other. No, dude, I can't control myself. Sorry, dude. That's funny.

Tigers out of the cage. If Lewis can't control him, dude, he winds up just cracking my skull open on a fucking camera. I think he killed your friend back. That's the move, because Lewis is the scariest. Bobby, you're the best actor. We start fighting. We start yelling at each other.

You start pushing. I'm like, fuck you. They come over to break us up. They can't break us up because you're a gorilla and you won't stop. I'm just saying that if I wouldn't start pushing. Now, what are we doing? No, we have to stop. I'm the driver.

You run and you just grab all this up. What are we, what am I grabbing? Bobby? You know the store. Teddy. Buddy, here's what you're grabbing.

You're grabbing the fucking, you're grabbing the drones. You're grabbing the cameras. You're grabbing this. All the high-end shit. I'm one man, though. Do I have a duffel bag? You got to,

dude, not only do you have a duffel bag, you have a backpack, a duffel bag, you have two duffel bags, but they're this big. Then they become this big. You start throwing all the cameras,

all the high-tech shit you can throw in the life. Guys, I'm going to crack if they catch me, just so you know. You guys are fucked. In and out as fast as you can. Can I wear a president's man? Make him the driver. Yeah, make him a mask or something.

No, he's the distraction because they're going to look at him anyway. He's Puerto Rican with tattoos. They're going to think he's stealing. Yes. If I walk in, nobody's looking at me. You walk in, they're right on you. Like stink on a monkey. That's true.

You do look at you're going to steal something anyways. Yeah. There we go. Done deal. Let's go. And then, hold on. He just grabs goods? That's what I'm ready.

We're going to walk out with $8,000 worth of goods. There's four men here. At the first place. We run it back. You fucking run. We make like six and a dog. We're going to have like 15,000 dollars. I got in this to rob banks.

We need a gun. We need to kill the Brinkstriver. This is the path to us freeing ourselves. Wait, we have seven people. We have these three jackass. You think they're not going to turn over on us in a second? No, we're going to do like in the beginning of Batman begins. I'm going to shoot Paco in the head.

I shoot the driver. I'm down with this. It's a fun film. Yeah, Best Buy might not be the best place. We're going to walk out with a fucking DGI drone and a cell phone and a camera. We're going to do a podcast. You want cash, dude. No one has cash anymore.

Yeah, they do. Except for weed businesses. We rob a fucking fare. We do a fair. We do a fair. We sneak in the back. You order all the food out in front. And then you guys

A thousand funnel cakes. I believe this. You know what? I believe this guy wants 1,000 funnel cakes. All hands on deck. We need to get this man is 1,000 funnel cakes.

Why don't we rob downstairs? They'll never suspect us. Oh, my God. There's no cash. No honor among thieves. See, you're right about that. There is no cash. No, there's no cash.

But Mammon's cash only. And we get, you know, you don't think they're not ready for that? You don't think they've got some. sort of curved sword that'll They'll pull a string on their vest and blow their bed up all of us. You have structural damage to the podcast.

The Shwama is a bomb. You think you robbed me? I've been waiting to meet Allah. Fuck, fuck. All right. So Mahmoon's is out. No, a jewelry store. Maybe that's the way to go.

A jewelry. A Jew. Go to 47th Street, man. Those things are fortified. No, I can't do 47. You have to do like outskirts of town. No, Jules are no good. Have you got to go sell jewels?

You know a fence? Who do you know? No, dude, we wear the jewelry. Oh, we wear it? We're just dripping and diving. Can I wear it with my purse? Yeah, dude. There's tons of chains.

Oh, my God. Don't buy nothing. Didn't I tell you not to buy anything? How about, how about? A bank is the only way to go. They have cash. We can do. The bank's the only way to go. This is why you're the hot head.

The smooth operator makes the final decision. This dickhead wants us to steal TV. from Best Buy. Smooth operator. Can you handle him, please? This fucking TV is fucking maniac. It's crazy, dude. He said Best Buy.

I said Sears. He was saying Sears. Sears isn't even open. I said Target. You jerk off? Yeah, I said Target. Hey, guys, I guess I got us bath towels. All right.

So what's a high value? I got us cheap hoodies. I got it. Louis Vuitton. No. No. But then we got a fence back. Yeah, you're not going to go fence back.

I don't want any more steps between me getting my fucking I wouldn't. Can I say something though? I wouldn't mind. There is an identical duffel. He would love dude Louise's on. You're a duffel. Yeah. You're fucking go in and just start buying stuff.

Oh my God. We're going to go shopping. You guys wind up robbing me. No, we know a lot of successful people that will buy half-priced Louis Vuitton. No. I don't want to... Big J and Bobby, that's it. End of list. I don't want to fence. I don't want to just get cash in hand.

What about one of those cash... Shut the fuck up. Hey, man. Come on. Let's hear him on. You think they don't go... Hang on. Let's hear him out. He's a... You know what? He's an autistic Jew.

He knows. Danny, go ahead. One of the Italian cash-only comedy clubs, like Uncle Vinnie's or Governors. Uncle Vinnie's is out. Governors? He's going to lose money on desk when they're going to Uncle Vinnie's. And governor. Hey, sorry, he's a light night.

Open mic. You know, the traffic we'd have to sit in to get the governors? Yeah, we got 83 bucks. And also my cousin's going to hunt down your whole family. You're like dogs now. We'd have to leave at 2 o'clock to rob them at 9 o'clock. He's like, what about the guy that's always in a suit and has a pinky roll? I'm like, I don't know.

That guy that references violence, whatever directly says it. All right, we got to put our heads together. Now watch you get robbed this weekend. Don't even say that. The only answer is a bank. I don't know why we're, we're... No, tourists.

No, you can't, we're going to individually. Eminem store. I got it. I got it. I got it. No. No, no, no. I got it.

He's got it. I got it. We rob the Tornow watch Rolex store. of all... But then we're fencing Rolex. No, we're not. Bobby keeps them. We summed of us.

And you were keeping a couple of them. We have Rolexes that we sell... Down the road, because they appreciate. We're making fucking double the profit. And we get Rolexes. First of all, they're going to... So the boxes... Bobby, you know this.

There's a serial number. You need the box. You need the... It's so fucking traceable, it's crazy. Totally, totally untraceable. Listen to me. Beanie babies. Ooh, what about the new, there is a new beanie baby?

What is those? No, those looboos. Labubo, let's get some Labubo. Bobby wants a Labibu for his post. Bye, La Lajibu for his person. I do want. Bobby just wants a Labubu for his birthday. Oh, dude, if I can get a gray one with the hoodie on the Labuobo.

I want a black one for my Louie. What about diner? There's restaurants that are casual. They learn in Pulp Fiftian. Hold on. They call the black ones Lafuboos. That was good. That was good.

That was actually very fun. And it got the producers. That was good. But diners are. cash only. But you love when you get the producers even though they're autistic, it's a good sign. Well, two of them are gone, aren't they? Yeah, they're kissing in the hallway. They're like,

oh, we can't do this. Paco and Joe. Oh, fuck, I can't. Oh, Paco. They're both just fucking walking Lugis into all of our drinks over and over again. He goes, I can get a shit out. Paco, look up. I love you. Look up cash only restaurant. He's just digging

for the deepest, heaviest boogers. And then he says, he goes this. He goes, Hey, Paco, I'm gone in September. It's not rugged. Oh, your macho man stinks. That's why I never owed a second cup. Never go to a second location. Cash only.

Restaurant. New York City. Mahmoons. Mahmoons next door makes a million dollars a debt. Little Frankie. I do love Little Frankie's. I owe it and I'm from time. Anything Italian is out, though.

Bar Pit. Chinese will go to Wohop. Oh, yeah. Go to Chinese. Oh, yeah. Bring the tri-out. Yeah. The tri-

Bring the triads into your house. You idiot. We don't want a war. Plus, me and Lewis would never make it out. We'd wind up getting ribs and fucking wantons. And there's dog sauce. I didn't know there was going to be so much powerful. Guys, give me one second.

Hold on, God. Give me all your egg rolls, you fucking darner business shit. We're here for money. I know who you are, Lewis. There's no need in hiding you. I have the fall. Give it the fucking Mukuky iPad right now. Oh, stop it.

I was the first person to give you. James egg drop soup and Robert Why are you so angry? Here we go J.G. Mellon. Oh, lovely. Love it was good burgers. Burgers.

We're not robbing a fucking restaurant. It's a banker bust. Why are you get being pussy? Isn't it the same jail time for robbing a restaurant as a bank? Probably not right. I just pull the nose hair out. That's fun. Who's nice? Why don't we rob the Super Bowl? You rob a person.

way to do it. That's what I said. Who? This might. How do you, nobody carries money on them? Black celebrity. What do they carry? Bling is it called? Bling. No, you, all right. No, they also have 15 other black guys around them. Waring bling. I got it. What? What? We robbed

Nate Bargazzi. I love it. What are we going to get dumb hats and golf clubs? No, dude. He's worth a bazillion dollars. We open the regs and we have to hold him hostage. We hold him, and his family hostage. Take of that pockets. That's not bad of that. Jesus. It's all right. Jesus. He's so rich. We can be like, all right, dude, if you give us

10 million dollars, we won't kill you your family, but we're coming back. He probably just, like, I'm not ever going to report this. He goes, what are you guys doing? What's wrong with you guys? Wow. He goes, this is bananas. I'll lend you money. I'm just giving you the money.

I've got to six houses. Go living more. Lewis just takes off it lives in one of the houses. Sorry, guys. Nate offered me a deal. I couldn't refuse. I think about it every day. She's becoming Nate's fucking personal trainer on the road. Oh, his muscle?

Has that job been offered? Great. The highs, dude. Been working hard, bro. Yeah. I can tell you been blasting them with squats. Yeah, baby. The Iowa shorts with, I mean,

the Iowa shirt with the Iowa State shorts is going to make someone very angry. That's all right. They'll be okay. George Kettlebrook. George Kettlebrook Purdy. What I wanted to talk about was your boy who bailed on us,

who bent us over and fucked us directly in our ass. Who had boy? Marin. Huh? He didn't bail on it. He's scheduled wrong He bent us over He's not my boy

He's Soters boy He did Soters podcast He did do Soters podcast I am Now was he trashing it Like podcasts on He came on He was totally fine with me

We reported it Who's he trashed He's people are upset He was on bad friends Making fun of Austin comics Yeah And then they like scrubbed the episode And he did

They scrubbed the episode They scrubbed it? No they didn't I think so I think they took him off the episode No You think so You know so

Look it up Well, I'm asking you, my friend. What a little, I read it a little cunty response. Look it up. Yeah, what a lot. I didn't mean it. Like, I've never known you for 20 years.

Like, I'm some fucking douchebag. I went like that. Fucking asshole. You know. There, look it. Ouch with Mark Merritt. Yeah, look at that. But maybe they cut out the part you're talking about.

I don't know. I don't want to say a comic text to me. It was like, I think they edited Mark Mirren out of their podcast. No. No, it's. Oh, he's there. Okay. So, that was a lie.

He's there. But he did a bit about. I didn't want to give you wrong information, but I wasn't going to be a little cunty. I was a little cunty, but I didn't want to be wrong. The only thing about you is you admit immediately. Yeah, I was a little cunty. You're a good guy. Thanks.

I love you. I love you, man. That's some pussy shit. Never admit fault. Yeah. This is the reason why we're in the, maybe you've never read the 48 laws of power. Oh, my God. I knew there was something he read 20 years ago when he came in it with a rattle.

Rule number 22. Hey! Yeah, your sensee is an asshole. Yeah, when you come, hold the, base of your dick and then push it out and go ugh what is it called the 44 rules of being an absolute cunt 44 rules of not having any real friends are you kidding put the glasses on do the blues thing lose me forever doggy joe is this what you wanted nasty fuck is this what you wanted bama ma ma ma ma ma'm don't you ever disrespect the 48 laws of power

It's such a great book Rule number one You never outshine the master That is rule number one There's real number one That's a lot of power That boy insecure Lewis which book is better

That book or your book? My book My bookie I love Joe so weak He can't hold three cups of coffee Joe Russell he's talking about I'm very strong The 48 laws of power

I don't even know this is Act like a king to become one Always say less than necessary Whoops Mask your intentions This pot is not powerful Protect your reputation Always say less than that

You didn't read that one Always say less than necessary Stay unpredictable You live that one You live that one Listen when your friends talk Create a cult like following Yep

Let the others work and take the credit You do that You've done that well Crush your enemy totally let your victims feel smarter find your rival's weakness don't isolate yourself control the options stir water but when you put it on a fucking bingo chart you look like an asshole when you read the whole book it's pretty how about this one don't seem too perfect you got that down how about this one be a fat cuss oh why you're being a dude we're just

reading these why are you going to get so fucking angry all the time sorry we found your Why? We always be angry. Number 47. Why don't you stop being a cuck and have a little fun, you fucking piece of shit? Yeah. Huh? Fucking angry fatso.

Don't get mad at me because you stuff your face. Strike your opponent's leader. Oh, Lewis, look at this one. Use absence to raise your value. Dude, beat it. You'll have so much value. Don't push too far in victory. Get to pick that one.

Create a cult like false. Stir up water to catch fish. You have to say that in your voice. You have to say that in the American Indian voice. For these are the 48 laws of asshole. If a brave wants to grow up to be a guy that is a dickhead, he will follow the rule. Are we boring you? Are we boring you, Joe?

No, I have a top. Why are you getting so mad? I'm having a lot of fun. Let me be me. We're having fun. Have you ever heard the phrase let them? Red helmet. No, I haven't.

What does it mean? It means you just let them. What the, who's them? For red helmet. The shoes. Red helmet, tiny mouth. Stop getting angry. Take the trashy.

Don't isolate yourself, Lewis. Use the mirror effect. Hey, Lewis, let your victims feel smarter. Damn, Bobby just fucking 48 powered you. What? Kill your victims and don't leave DNA. Okay. Create your own identity.

Come on my tits. crazy one crazy one control the options I like this this is good you never read the 40L has a power Robert Green are you kidding

no I'd never Bobby Green why would I read this Bobby Green Robert Green I believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Why would I have anything to do this? Yeah the laws of human nature

is another one that he wrote That's great And then 50 cent teamed up With him to write the 50th law Which was Fuck bitches Fuck bitches get money What about the 49th?

Fuck bitches get money 50 to the 50th He's like, oh, the fuck. Don't be coming out with no 49 bitch-ass bitch. Who wrote this? You're Lewis. 50 cent and Robert Green. Who is it?

50 cent. It's 50. That's 50. You dork. 50 cents. Hey, man, you guys know about Andrew. My pal. No.

Let's take a quick moment and thank. He's say it. Hey guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Small Batch Cigar for supporting today's show. Oh, I didn't realize you were talking about your pal. Hello. What's wrong with you, Louis? You're a yes-knowing today, baby. Lewis is new to podcasting.

He's new to cigars too. Andrew and his team set out to make cigar shipping and the whole online experience. It's Andrew Schultz. Huh? It's Andrew Schultz. It's a brilliant move. Thank God he's out of comedy. Took the money, put it into cigars.

He's going to get us in trouble. I'm joking. I know you're joking. I'd say that if he was here. I'm in on it too, fuck face. Well, I don't know. Kiss. Also, how can you get in trouble from another man?

Yeah, how can we get in trouble from Andrew Schultes? I got put on time out. By who? Todd Barry. He heard something I said. He was like, hey. Andrew Saltus' Indian attacked me. Yeah.

He put the whole crew on me. Here's the thing. Lightning fast shipping. First online vendor to provide free shipping on every order, along with a free bovita pouch to ensure the freshness. Which those are fucking expensive. I buy them now when I go to the cigar shop. It's like seven bucks per bovita pouch.

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rewards points stop eating crumble we're doing it I'm looking at what it is APR financing we're ready to put it out Let's mind if I do a quick Body brain

I'll do a 35 second dude 35 seconds Come on body brain Body brain Body brain 50% 50% off for one week. One week.

We're not getting paid for this. We're taking our money and giving it back to you. Lewis is taking the hit to pass the savings on to you. The money he was going to pay to a company to do these ads, we're going to take our money and give it back to you. You can have it but give it back to the fans? Can I tell why these guys are so fucking pumped up because they've been drinking body brain coffee.

I got it right here. That's right here. What I do is I go to Dunkin' Donuts. I go to Starbucks. I say put it in here. I say, make me... I've been using this cup for three weeks now. Listen, I'll tell you right now,

there's legitimately an attack on masculinity in this country. Did you say pussy? What'd you say to why I wear a helmet? Look at the way Joe is. Do you want to be like Joe List? Yeah, Joe needs to be a bad ass like Dan Soder. No, helmet.

Brain injury. He's got a helmet. Yeah, he's right. My helmet was provided by drinking when I was in the room. There's a helmet head. That's great. Well, look, I'll tell you right now. Body Brain Coffee, it's amazing

Colombian free-dried coffee with amazing adaptogens in Newtropics that support testosterone naturally, supports brain function and memory naturally, mood naturally. Yeah, you got Kizzochi. No, no, no, tongue. Ong. Hose. You know what? We're going to say that's good. It's a hoing-hoing-hoing to smooth it. The hoing-hoin

flower provides your P-tip, the clothes fast. I tell you something, I had to get off the tea because my asshole of PSAs were going up, but I've been taking and the body brain. Don't stick a needle in your ass. So you can drink a cup of coffee every morning. Unless you want it to maximum. It's been fucking helping me out.

I know it does. Love it. Don't listen to these pussies. Go the L-L-L-Lat-O-A. Horse steroids. Shoot it into you. Become as big as a bovine. We give you the biggest discount possible.

You're 25% off. You should paint that as your head and sell them as your merch. What? Dan heads. Just put my hair? Just put your hair on it. Sorry, we're kicking around. 25% off.

We'll pay for this ad. 25% off of bodybrain coffee.com. Yeah. Just use the promo code. Regs 25. RGZ 25. 25% off is the largest disc. 50 off. 50 off.

Stop it. Come on. 45. 35. 35. 30%. 30%. 30%. Go.

Go. Hey, you know what? If you guys are good, maybe we'll do it. Maybe we'll do a 30% off for the holiday at the end of the summer for the Rags. He plans on doing this every week. End of the summer. This is your last ad, pussy

It's never happening 25% off Bodybrain coffee.com Once again That's bodybrain coffee. All right I got a piss Yeah, pee in your pants for me

All right, I will Peeing your pants for me I'll fucking do it right now Yeah Is that what you want? I'll fucking do it right Make that face again Pissing all of your side

Pissing on my knees Oh Hey that was good Wow How fun was the blues Did you have a good time? It did you have a good time It does suck

You had a good time It was a shit It does so. I'll do a good one. Give me the glasses. You guys give me a topic. I'll bring it. Wow.

You said nope. You read the 48 rules. 49th rule. Never let someone touch your glasses. You guys fucked up. You know where I fucked up? I didn't introduce change gradually. That's why.

I'll give him my glasses. All right. Give me the topic and I'll kill it. Lewis calling you a rat face. Well, he's big and brown. And he made me frown. It wasn't very nice. I just might call ice

drag him out of the country because he is a country He's fat and he's a country This is like a little kid's cookie breakfast You're like You're like Yum Oh wow

What's the Hey way to go out of your way to not laugh Even though it was fucking awesome That was, that was, oh, we're teaming up. You guys laugh at each other. That was fucked up. That's a great analogy. It's your birthday.

You're going to clean a fucking mess. Are you to use butter on the pan? Fuck. Fuck. This pan is, fuck. You know what? You guys are doing a bit with no butter. You know what?

I was pretty. The show. Your piece got no butter. Bits got zero butter on. I'm sorry. Joe. Joe, that was pretty funny. No, this show is two on two.

It's you and two versus us. Come on, Bob. Joe. That's not funny. Joe. That's not funny. That was pretty funny. We're doing it a bit with no butter. It was pretty funny.

That was pretty funny. No, it's insensitive is what it is. It's not as it. That was a bit with no. First of all, the pants smoking. Bit with no butter. You got to open the doors. The fire alarms coming up.

You go, no. The intention was nice. Joe, I'm sorry. Beep, peep, heap, heap, beep. It was pretty. Sorry, turn the fan on. You got to turn the fan on. Open the window.

Open the window. The back door. At the door, too. Cross, trees. You're going to cross-preeze on. Hardy Harty-har. Butter's bad for you, Fatso. Right, Bobby?

We're back. Bobby and Joe are back. I'm going to shoot my hands. A bit with no butter is so funny. Shit. There were no butter. It was pretty goddamn. Woo.

Plenty of butter. No, it's zero. There's butter. Burn eggs, dude. Oh, shit. I got to piss so bad. Go piss. What are you doing?

I don't want to hold it. Why? Do you want me to hold it? Yeah. Come on, dude. Don't grab. Yeah, anybody touch you. Don't grab me.

Come on, Lou. Yeah. I pissed your pants. Dude. Guys. It really tickled me. I really tickled my pickle Joe So what

Do you got Are you going anywhere You're done for the summer Everybody's done for the summer Everybody's going on vacation? No, I'm going to the West Coast for a little bit What are you doing? You're doing work?

Yeah, work shit You have no vacation planned? October Hey, did you go to Maine this year? Yeah When did you go? In New England Where do you go?

Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont Massachusetts is number a month I was just in Wells for two days I used to go to Wells when I was a boy Fucking love that beach Wells is great Maine is fucking great It's the best.

Kenny Bunk, Kenny Bunk Port, Wells Ogunquit. The waves are so big. It's wonderful. But the water's cold, but the waves are cold. Waves are fun.

Can't put my toe even into cold water. I love it. Why? I like a nice warm pool. What? He likes a warm. He likes tropical. He's one of those.

He's from the tropical. Warm water. Yeah. I love running in, jumping in the main water. The fucking cold. You get used to it real quick. Sweat shirt at night.

Yeah, on the beach with a little fire going. Yeah, you did with shorts. Shorts with a sweatshirt? Mm-hmm. Oh, like shorts with a fucking flee sweatshers? My little flip-flops on. Oh, is that a K-O-A smoking cigars like going to the electric chair? That's how I living.

Wonderful. High living, baby. Me and Maxie were doing the bodyboard shit. The waves are so fucking big. Bodyboard coffee? It's my biggest competitor. You son of a bet you do not bring them off. Bodyboard coffee on this show?

Yeah. The waves, you know when you're going to wave and you go up and it's so high you can't see the other side. Yeah, I love that. It's fucking I mean, they're not... Me and Dan are so high, we can't see the other side. Hell yeah. Later, losers. What? Two of you two. I can't go in the water. It's too cold.

That is kind of gay shit. I'm not going to watch. I turn down you. I'll fold on my fucking helmet wearing, motherfucker. It's a little chilly. I'm Joe, I can't deal with a head injury. Got me cheese? That's fucked up, Dan. That's fucked up, Dan.

You know, that's fucked up. That Dan turned on you like that. You're literally looking a rat. You're the same color and glendliness of a rat. Don't do that. Bob, man, take the shot. This is a meme podcast. It's a fucking...

We're a little mean today. It's a heater. You started it. You started it. You really did. You started it. Because I'm not a gay bitch. You can't swim in water if it's too chilly.

And I'll finish it. Literally the gayest thing I've ever heard. I can't put my toe in. You can't put your toe in? Swimming in cold water. I need a heated pool is pretty good. I need a heated pool. Yeah, it's gay.

Salt water too. It's gay. That's cum. You like cum. You like hot cum. Heated salt cum. I would like a hot pool of cum. That would be actually be ideal.

Yeah, you're gay. In ground? Like, oh, I swallowed some. In butt. He still got his good stuff. Helmut on. Baseball. Right on the black.

Strikes right there. Yeah. No, I need a heated. pool, for sure. My new pool's not heated, and I have to get it heated. I'm going to make it a heated pool. How do you make it a heated pool? Can you put it in sad music right now? They put in a heater in the wall? No, they have a separate

units of the water when it comes to the filter from it goes from the filter to the heater, then it goes into the pool hot. I bought a $250 hot tub at Walmart. That's not hot time. I swear to God, it gets to 104 degrees. It has bubbles. It's the greatest thing I ever bought. That walled? It could have.

I can't. It's inflatable. Yeah, I had an inflatable one. It was pretty safe. They're fucking fine. Pretty sick, yeah. Yeah, I put it up at the tiny house over by a rock in the woods. It was the greatest thing. At night, fire going. Does the hot tub have wheels? Does the have wheels so you can move it with the house?

No, it does it. How many people is it? Four, but three. Four, but three. Two perfect. You don't have to change water. Two, you don't have to change water. It has a filter.

Three Joe's, two of me and two of you. Bit because of my head. Yeah, you have. head's huge. Yeah. It has a filter on it. It has a whole system. Heats the water, filters it, just change the filter. You got jets? Jets.

They're fucked 250 bucks. It's the greatest. I got one. It was way more. It was like 800 bucks. They were on sale. Clarence at Walmart. Okay. Yeah. It was worth it when I had it for a little while. I gave it to my sister. Ari brought his hot tub to Mark's house before he left. Because Ari just wanted to get rid of his shit. Sure. Mark will take anything. And it exploded.

He's just covered in mosquitoes. The whole backyard is just mosquitoes. We're all bitten up. My son looks like he has fucking... Why mosquitoes? What happened? Because all the hot water exploded and they didn't, like, clean it. Probably just became, like, mosquito alley. Mosquitoes love water, dude. They lay their eggs in the water.

If there's any water in your backyard when you get a house, you got to flip that shit over, the mosquitoes will lay their eggs. And then they come out, and then you have a ton of mosquitoes. I hate mosquitoes, too. I hate them. That's why I smoke cigars. Because it keeps them away. I don't know.

That's not true, but yeah. The mosquitoes hate douchebags To go, oh, this guy's really pretentious I'm not hanging out with this guy I hate hearing the mosquito I want to go as like closer In Florida dude In Florida the tiniest bug will get closer ear and it's like

Meow Hey I would my It sounds like a bit that would kill it side splitters Yeah Oh yeah Y'all got these little mosquitoes that come by They sound like a helicopter

You guys are no type of comic he's being. Let me wipe my head now with the towel. Joe's like, ooh, Tampa, y'all beautiful. You're all beautiful. The old paws, the old sweat break. I'm telling you, y'all, y'all beautiful. This has got to be our best episode. That's a fun episode.

Dude, last episode was good, too. That was great, too. We have some fun bits. A lot of fun. Oh, yeah. I like being in this position. I'm back being here. I like this a lot.

Yeah. But you get cold over there. I do get cold over there. I have a nice, thick layer right now on me. Actually pretty hot. You look at Eskimo. Lewis doesn't like to be chilly. Lewis, that needs a little cat.

Dude in a bike helmet with his legs crossed and said that on you. He just spoke that on you. I love when Joe gets alpha with a helmet. Well, I'm alpha. Yeah, I'm going to need to prove it. I think we're all alpha in our own alpha ways. Alfer. You're nerd alpha.

All right. But you're more of a nerd. than I am. Alpha beta. You're more of a nerd than I am. You like comic book stuff. You like tech stuff. Because it likes nerds the candy.

Yeah. So there you go. You're not really into sports. Hang on one second. What? He likes nerds the candy. You know, it's funny, I have a box of nerds that I bought on a whim the other day,

and I still haven't opened them. Because you look at him, you're like, ooh. And then I just have a... Worst candy ever. It's just like... No, the gummy clusters. Butterfingers is the worst candy ever. Are you crazy?

I love butterfingers, but it sticks into your teeth. So what? You can't eat butterfingers. Every candy sticks in your teeth. No, not like that. What is this? Love a butterfinger. Butterfingers is a shit.

Don't lay a finger on my butterfinger. Fucking crap in a vinyl ice cream. Actually, don't lay a finger on any of my food. I don't know where your fingers have been, you dirty fuck. That'd be a joke that would kill in Florida. Lewis is low-key gay. If you had like a gay voice, the last 10 things you've said, you're like, I can't go in the water. It's too cold.

He's low-key gay. I don't like, it's just too sticky in my teeth. So, wait a minute, change all the stuff to the voice you think he should have. Texture. Texture. Texture is, I don't like it. Texture is weird. It's sticks in your teeth. The only thing I like sticking my teeth is come. I need a heated pool. It's got to be heated. My new one doesn't have a heat, so I had to get a second. I mean, if you do that voice, you can say anything that sounds good. I know, but particularly what you are saying. Oh, my God. I just got so much pussy. That's true. Nope. Yeah.

Ass pussy. I can't even stick my toe on it. It's cold. Ew, pussy. Ew. Cold water. All right. Good job, everybody. Good job.

Listen, I love you guys. I love you. I'm trying to wrap up. We're having fun. Shut up. I got to pee. Just go pee.

He wrapped it up. He wrapped it up. He said, all right. He did. Like, when you're ready to get off a phone call, you're like, well, so. I did. I did. Well, I did be doing that.

Well, I did be doing that. No, I wanted to talk. I got another topic. What is it? Hang on, what time is it? I'm good, we're good. Oh, what time is it? It's 11.

Oh, 311. Oh, 311. It's 11-th. Um-nam-nam-nam-n-nam-nam. What's all you know, and down-down? If I never did it, thank you, you, then just let me do it now, now, now, now. What's your topic on the ground? The topic?

What is your topic? Is it Marin? No. I would have been married. We already did marry. No, you said a thing, but then nobody. We didn't even talk about it. Marin didn't blow us off.

He just couldn't do it. He fucked up the dates. But he would have done it. Yeah, he was hoping to do it. He was looking forward to doing it. Oh, my goodness couldn't. Yeah. But he screwed up the thing.

Cookies. Are these good cookies? Oh, my God, dude. It's such a great cookie. Yeah, they're soft and crunchy. I don't want to... The edge is a crunch. Yeah, the soft and soft.

What are you thinking to do? You already had something today. No, I didn't have anything today. What did you have? I had some Gordon Ramsey eggs and some sausage. All right. Gordon Amsey's... I have Gordon Amz's...

What is it? What is a Gordon Ramsey egg? Come. I scrambled up Gordon Ramsey's eggs, if you know what I mean. He's got a coup of Gordon Ramsey in his backyard. Did you cook butter eggs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did the same shit last week.

So good. You saw the video? I saw it a while ago. James loves it, though. And it's just, it's like, you know, if you ever want to take 20 minutes of kick scramble eggs? It takes 20 minutes. Instead of two minutes.

And then you have to keep telling yourself they're cooked. Yeah, yeah. It's cooked because it feels wet as shit. Yeah, it's wet eggs on toast. Yeah. It's funny. No, so... Why is your collar so thick?

Because I... Why are you wearing... Is that a... Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Is that a turtleneck or a t-shirt? What the fuck? Why do you have a thick collar, you asshole?

I don't know. It's the way of this t-shirt. Yeah, you look like a ghost. Yeah, you look like a priest. Fucking dickhead with your thick-ass guy. I don't like it. Why is it... When do you get a thick-collar t-shirt?

I bought it online. What the hell is it? What the hell is? Do you have this? Because you have this because of your big head to hold it up? Yeah, it's a neck brace. It just reinforces my heads You get the fender bender

God damn it Why is that bugging the shit out of me I don't know but I got Dude just let me rock my neck roll I do you have to think It's called T-shirt I've ever seen in my life I love it

Dude it looks like a dress It's a fucking inch and a half Fake What the fuck is it? It's so fake I love it You know what it looks like It looks like the thing

With your wrist That you snap on Slap bracelet Slap bracelet Why is it so thick is that you'd have to talk to the company that's here

what is it is it for the future what are you it's a it looks like an old an old Star Trek outfit it's like how they think

the future was going to look in the past the year 2025 we talk to our telephones our telephones our telephones

our telephones Admiral Soder what time are we what time we do for license what the fuck did you know you had a thick

call until right now You knew it was thick There were other kind of this shirt Didn't have it And then they were like Oh this is like the second version of the shirt And I was like great And then I ordered it in the collar

When you put it on me you're like fuck And you're like Katie is this too thick And she was like no it's fine She's like it's fine And then you realize She goes no go ahead Just wear that out of the house It looks like you put your head

Through a dog bowl Yeah That's the best one Yeah I knew I knew the collar But the good news is The good news is this is the last time I'll publicly wear this shirt. I don't think, I didn't notice it all day.

Oh, God, it hit me right now. It looks like he's wearing a fucking sock around his neck. This space shirt's perfect. Ah, shit. From what they thought the future was going to be. I'm from 35, 31, 5. God damn it, that shirt. Fucking nuts.

Yeah. All right. Bring back the original. But I guess we don't have to do another topic. We're good. What's your topic? Yeah. I can say it.

Just fucking. Just say it. It's not. going to be good anyway. It's probably not going to be good. Well, I think you guys are fucking... We're going to end the show and this is your... This is fucking great. This is risking at all. Let's go. Let's go. Let's risk it all. You want to risk it? Roll the dice. Get the 48 fucking laws of gravity back up. Well, I... So, you know, you know, we're buying this house right now. I'm buying this house.

Stop saying we? You do something. You're going to stop saying we. You said that a lot. My son did nothing. My girlfriend did nothing. Nobody's not. You're buying the fucking house. Introduce change. Gradually so pretend ignore you can't have I want I want to get a red door What I love that? I love a red door I had a red door my life Why is despised you know what that's called accent door my girlfriend Oh no is so against this red door fuck that and we're arguing over this fucking red door I see a red door and I want to paint it black

That's her I see she should just sing that to you and still she's not offering any solution she's not saying, hey, the door. She's going, no, sorry, I still like it. Buddy, fuck that. Yeah. How long have you been dating her? This time?

Yeah. This time. There you go. Yeah, buddy. A couple months? You don't get, you don't get door selection. No offense. I'm not trying to be mean to your girl.

You don't get door selection. I've spent 20 years. You get married? Getting here where I could buy a house. Tell of this. We get married someday. You can change the door. That's your wedding.

Better put a ring on it. Got to put a ring on it. If you like it, then you better put a ring on it. If you want a red door. She's like, fine, okay. See, you're asking me to marry you? Oh, fuck, fine, that's not what I meant. That's not what I meant.

You know that. Look at me. You know, that's not what I meant. I don't want those. Yeah. Give them the fuck out of here. Anyway, the point is. Paco, don't buy fucking 50 cookies next time.

Buy two for Joe. I just say, killer topic. I think you said, you're just say, kill her. Yeah. Buddy. This topic sucks. I'm a future priest That's what it is

You look like a priest In the future they wear green Zab, Zab, Zeeb Zorbsop You have committed the crime Of ruining a podcast, Lewis You are banned To the international prison Get the red door

You're fucking put on In the future one podcasting It's the most important thing in the world There's another thing that he said If you put a gay voice to it would sound gay I like a red door I like a red door I don't want a red door

And she won't have it Should I break up with her? I'm a bull. I'm a fucking bull and I want to charge it my red door. All the things, we should take all the things Lewis said this whole podcast and put a gay voice. Gay I'm up. I need a door that pops and warm water. I'm the live wire.

I don't you understand. I'm the brute. Stop talking about my son. I have come from the future to tell you you are gay. Your collar fucking infuriates me. Why they sold the shit? Is that a, is that like a, Is that a malfunction in the sewing of the shirt?

They made the colors too much. Why do you do this? You are the way you dress. You wear a purse. Why are you gay? I'm wearing a true classic t-shirt. Why are you gay? I'm going to get a true classic t-shirt.

You wear for shorts for men that have boobies. You are gay. I am not gay. Spread the word about the pod. We got to blow up. Yeah, dude. Listen, you guys, do us a favor. Tell everybody.

Share it with a friend. Everything we put out. Pick up one of your friend's cell phones right now that you're hanging out with and be like, hey, I want you to check this out and just click on it, subscribe to it. Sign it for cash app. $4,000. Law 38 of laws of power.

Play to people's fantasies. Despise the free lunch has me out on all of these. What does that mean? I don't know, my kids need help. What does that mean, Lewis? I think it means that you don't want to take the free meal. Yeah, you don't want to take. want to take free things from people.

Guys, we don't want to push too far to victory. So let's just, guys, fans do what you need to do. Go to all our websites. Go to our shows. If you come to our shows and come up to us, let us know. If you come to our voices, tell me. Wow. On more to victory.

Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Back to my spaceship. Ban-na-na-na-na-na-na-. I'm going to leave. Earth has been pretty cool. This episode's over. Bobby's gonna pee We'll see you guys next time

On the regs Woo Hot show Hot show boys That was a true classic