Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Comentary of D Couple Getting The Boot

Episode Date: May 13, 2010

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Check it out. Robert Kelly here. You know what, dude? Podcast number two. Dallas Improv, me and John Toll from John Toll.net, the future comedian last week. It was crazy. Dallas Improv, people getting kicked out left and right. Just fucking lunatics drinking and fucking using drugs.

Come out of the shows. This audio of a couple getting fucking ripped out of the showroom by the big black bouncer and John told got the audio so here it is check it out it's fucking pretty hilarious that's about it Hey, what's up? It's Robert Kelly. I'm hanging out here with John Toll. We're about to do the second. You know what, dude? Podcast Saturday night, 130, three shows. Who? No problems. Not a single problem.

Some drunk motherfuckers. Always. No problems. The club fucking pulled it shit together, really put people, their foot and people's asses and crazy. But last night. Hi, Jinks. First show.

Tara. Crazy. We got the fucking guy. last night, hi jinks, first show, terrible, crazy. We got the fucking guy. Jesus Christ man, the girl got kicked out and then the guy, fucking got kicked out, said it wasn't funny, I told him, all right leave and he was like, I'll leave in a few and I was like, fuck you, you'll leave now.

And that's the guy that sent death threats and fucking watch it back and I'm coming for you fucking emails. Typical email, Google tough guy, you know, I love the first email. You're an asshole, right? That's it. Yeah, then you suck. Right, you with the you suck. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I sent back when he wrote you suck. I sent back So funny I sent back Thank you for your support spread the word brother. He wrote back Fuck you and then he wrote back. I'm not supporting you asshole. What are you fucking retarded? He didn't even get that was being fucking a douchebag. I know you're not dummy you suck

I'm fucking retarded. What a fucking What I but this guy you know sent me you know with all these threatening letters all day, so he hasn't sent me since but After him the second show is what we're gonna talk about yes Because we get some fucking audio man. We do have some good audio you were on stage I was I was on stage and it was it was a blonde who had had far too much to drink Probably some other chemicals going on. Yeah, so Xanny mixin You know and then on top of that being Mow trying to be the show, trying to be the center of attention, that typical deal, you know, how to, you know, shot her off, typical Hecler

Hand. So, she was, whatever. So, she was Mowdy, handled her for the rest of my set, for the most part, even though she was doing the thing, when you would look over, and just to look over was enough to have her, like, when she was open her mouth, like, she like she was gonna say something Yeah, and but whatever for my set was fine Then you got up right, but this is the deal is that I saw her and She her and her guy were making out Okay full on full on making out and I looked over and there's a couple you forget that

All right, yeah granted. They give some free tickets out to these shows radio Whatever you give out some passes. But then there's people that pay. There's people that fucking pay 17 bucks a pop, two drinks, three drinks, you know, 50, 60, $100 a tab. You know, and they're coming out to fucking see a good show.

And people who drove from Oklahoma to come see you. Yeah, man, there's a lot of fucking people that are paying. And then I look at the table and I saw the couple at the table with them. And they're petrified. They're like, like what the fuck and they don't want to say nothing because they don't want to hurt a fucking you know nobody wants to get no fight over this shit and I looked up and I let it go and I let it go and let it go and then I was like hey give it up for those guys and blah blah blah and then I was like really and I don't know where for where but I kept looking over

giving them like time just stop making out and notice that there's somebody else on stage. You have to fucking out, you know what I mean? And really, you're gonna, and then she started, yeah, I'm a fuck it. I was just at my wits end. It was the fucking third douchebag, fucking show, where people will, ugh.

Five people kicked out in three shows boom goodbye you're done bye just get them out and then it just went to hell so you're gonna pick up from there it's pretty much at this point where you're gonna hear me say some I don't know what I said right what did I say what did I say who said what do you see a magic check? Hey, what's making me this black guy appear? I make you disappear. Poof.

Ta-da. And the big black bouncer came over and kicked them out. It was great. And then, just fucking the manager went to go tell the lady she had to leave and the guy's husband flipped. Yeah, completely. You know, he did the thing where he's like, you guys gotta go

and she wasn't paying attention because she's still out of her mind. He tries to put her hand on the back to kind of say, hey, lady, come on, you gotta go. As soon as he reaches husband, flips the switch, loses his shit, two seconds later he's tumbling on the ground. He broke a metal chair through as the fall

and then now he's getting you know real wrote it out open Inside door with his face boom into the But there's wife keep saying 50. Yeah, she keeps saying like something you have to listen to this and listen to how many times She says 15 17. I don't know what it means figure it out and get it to me what that means I said this over over again, and it just let me know what this means. I don't know what it means! Figure it out and get it to me what that means. I said this over and over again and just let me know what this means. I don't know what the fuck. If you speak crazy, figure this out and let me know what they're saying. 15, you keep saying 15 over and over but all right so here's the audio of what the fuck

went down, listen to it and then we'll come up and wrap this shit up on the second fucking iPhone shitty podcast from a fucking mediocre hotel room with two fucking mediocre comics. Check it out. It's time to give it up until these two guys show some rock. Very very funny. Let the fuck that I was doing. Get a make it out. Hey, leave are you fucking doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing?

What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing?

What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing?

What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? I'm gonna hurt you. Fuck you, bye. See ya, fuck you. These people paid, some people didn't, but fuck you, they don't wanna have a good time. And you're a fucking yappy bitch, see ya. Oh, yeah, if I did, did it, bye. Bye, bye, watch this, this is my magic trick.

Big black eye comes over, the white girl. Oh, sure. So, ah, to die. Watch this this is my magic trick big blacklight comes over the white girl What's happening What happened to his home? Oh, Choco! Choco! You just choked him out! What the hell are you doing? Let's go! What are you doing? Oh, look at that! What the fuck are you doing? No, bitch!

What? He's here for fucking problems! I know! I't hear me calm down No, I have my See in there. This is the whole bunch of bullshit I want to talk to a fucking man You're right, you're right. 15 year olds, it's too hard. Oh, that's 50 years old. Hey, you're down. I want to talk to the fucking man. No, I got a slap. No, 15, 15,

no. No, show me the manager. No, no, no, no, no. Show me the manager. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh Fuck you Fuck you On the floor fuck off You Fuck off. What are you talking about? You're the fuckers. I'm talking to you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop I'm not gonna stop her, y'all! Because I'm gonna sue your fucking asses! Get beyond 50! Get beyond 50!

I ain't being a fan of him! I'm gonna talk to some people You guys have been bummed! You're adjourning this in a way that's not true Get beyond 50! This is insane! We're gonna be here to have a fucking video about what went on in there! Get beyond 50!

You're screwed! Get beyond 50! Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fui paraas! Vuelades de Madrid, a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. the guy the first guy who's talking is uh is just in the MC who says what do you say I'll kill you these have to murder you some like that kill him kill him kill him kill him kill him who we see is he a fucking emperor well he weighs 80 pounds what you're like three what are you three bills

yeah about three three bills you're a big, right? And you're fucking the voice of me. You're noble demeanor. You're trying to keep everyone alive. What were you saying? I said, sir, this is not going to end well for you. Like 90 times. 90 times. Well, when is it, when is it going to end? When is it going to end? You got to make eye contact with a guy, right? And he realized by looking at me and I'm being calm, letting him know that if he takes this further, it's gonna be over for him and it will be at my hand. So I'm giving him the option to cool out

and walk away. Where's the bouncer at this point? There was no bouncer at this point. I mean, he did enough work to get him into the hallway. And where's the manager on there around? They were all kind of jostling around this dude. And you're just saying, and I'm the voice

I'm the 300 pound tattooed voice of reason right yeah, and what he did he He was just he just had this like craze looking as like as crazy as his wife sounded or the girl sounded that he had that craze Look on his face. So it wasn't even right, you know, then then he starts then you can see his wheel starts her And it's had like oh, I'm gonna sue I'm gonna make money right yeah, blah. I, oh, I'm gonna sue. I'm gonna make money. I'm gonna fuck, I'm gonna press charges. I'm doing this, I got this, what happened? Did he bring up like if they had video in there? Yeah, we're gonna give it to you. Exactly, yeah.

We're gonna turn that right over. Yeah, yeah. It's gonna get erased like a bad police shooting. So when you was saying it's not gonna end well. Right, right. Did you hand them one of your flyers? And this is hard. I gave them bumper sticker.

And I said, let me up on Facebook. It's Facebook John Toll. Or go to Johntoll.net. Right, right. Did you hand them one of your flyers? I gave them bumper sticker Up on Facebook, Facebook John told or go to Johntold.net And I'll give you more good advice about how not to be an asshole at a comedy club. I get 15 19 15 What the fuck was she saying? Hi, we got it. So we'll go back to it now Hey everybody she said. Hi, we got it. So we'll go back to it now. Okay, everybody, I have 15 year old boys that I have. 15 year old, we can roll in the car. Hey, listen.

Stop, stop, please. Stop, stop, please. This whole thing is starting as you would have been caught. Your gentleman here was trying to protect you from me, gravity. No, the scoot up thing was your vouchers trashed Flores and Bring the cops I want a cop record What the fuck is a cop record? I don't know what a cop record is. I want a cop

Raise it like cop singing that's the solo album Next up superco I'm not driving You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab.

You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab.

You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. You're not gonna take a cab. female who says that how do you act like such a tough guy and then go so there what fucking grown man says to another grown man so there to make your point oh

my god what a fucking ass alright Jesus alright alright so that's it man that's the fucking that was a dude and his wife getting the hot one. Yeah second show Friday night That was the last time somebody got kicked out, but whoo. It's the fucking wild west end Dallas Dude it is wild times. God man. These people they come to the show Well, you know what dude it would take all the way the way. I felt like fucking Patrick Swazie in a roadhouse this weekend. Teaching you know, you got what you got to do is look him in the eye and be nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Pain don't hurt motherfucker.

God damn it dude, but it's all over. Three shows tonight were great. That guy, he, I hope he got his cop record. And I think 15 at the end of it. It almost sounded like she was Cobbing to the fact that she had left her 15 year old son and daughter in the showroom. And suddenly there are underage kids in the showroom now. Maybe I think it was like get beyond being 15 year old, like acting like 15 year olds.

I think. But we get get it shut the fuck up We get it. I mean come up with another pep talk another scenario 15 fucking. Oh my god I could you imagine if that wouldn't have happened that would have been her yelling at you for an hour for an hour Yes, you would have been yelling that yeah fuck her dude. I'm so glad they got kicked out and they were the club really. Tonight they pulled this shit together. I will do it. It was good work. What you working with what your website? Johntold.net. Yeah. And what else? Facebook, Johntold, Twitter, Johntold. That's T-O-L-E. Why do you have dotnet? Because I own dot com tube with the dotnet's better. Why? Because the coms directed at the, but the .net's better. Why?

Because the comms direct that at the net, because I like the net better. All right, I don't even know what the fuck that means, but all right, cool. And I- Plus I don't want to one jacket it. And he has a, I don't know what that means. But you have also, you have a CD,

you have another CD with your music on it. CD, my band, my Thrash Metal band. Is what? PC Death Squad. If you like an 80s ignorant Thrash Metal, if you like Stormtroopers of Death, SOD, you'll love us. I'm gonna get a copy of that. I wanna get some of that. And then you have bracelets?

I've got a thing, my big cause, the legalization of drugs. And so for the kids that come out, they like to party, they like to take away, they got the always, the force always for 20 lets party, support legalization. Right. If you want to wear the pink one and make people think you care about breast cancer, I got to celebrate boobies one. And if you want to say you're from Texas and celebrate being from Texas and be an ignorant

Texan, I got one that says F you M from Texas. Yeah, would you not wearing, I'm not wearing it. Would you not from Texas? I'm not from Texas. ButF from Texas. Yeah, but you're not wearing it. But you're not from Texas. I am not from Texas. But you sell it. Born him a thoo in mass. Yeah, so I'll sell it. Because it's not for me, it's for them.

Yeah, but you're not from here. You don't look out for the fans. No, you don't. You don't look out for the fans. No, all they want is you to write jokes that are funny. You, you're a comedian. You're not a Canadian first marketing guru second. Like crazy Eddie.

Okay. Come on down. You're just a swat me. Canadian first marketing guru second like crazy Eddie Come on down you're just a swap me you're you are you're fucking a swap me comic But what have I learned this week? Yeah the fucking narrow your thing your fucking I learned all I need is a phenomenal business card, right? Okay, yeah, what you don't need that? You know out name one comic that's successful that has a business card None no, I didn't even bring CDs to this fucking hell hall nothing you would have killed this weekend Dude I listen to me. Yeah, I would have killed I would have been killed. I'm not even out of here. It's still a guy hunting me Guys waiting for you at bag check Anyways, he was actually the fucking guy who put the bomb in New York tonight I was waiting for you at bag check. If you have a fucking hair for you, it's gonna snipe you like JFK.

Anyways, he was actually the fucking guy who put the bomb in New York tonight. He was waiting for me. But anyways, dude, good fucking work with you. Awesome work with you. Thank you very much for that. And I hope you guys, yeah, go ahead, finish. No, you go. No, you go.

Now you go. Yes sir. Thank you for being a part of my late show. I really appreciate that. The fact that you would take your time and it just really brings just to touch a class to my late show at the Addison Improv. Thank you. All right. Well, first of all, nobody knows what you're talking about. What did dude? What? You know what, dude? You're gonna end this up. You're really gonna

break it up. All right. Now what you do is on my podcast, count how many times I said, dude. Yes. And let me know. And then let me know how many times I plugged my shitty website. Ahora, lo que lo hago es, en mi podcast, ¿cómo se hace como me dice, dude? Sí. Y me lo sé, porque... Y me lo sé, ¿cómo se hace como me placa mi web de la web? Sí, porque no me lo sé. Yo lo sé, yo lo sé, yo lo sé, la primera vez, yo lo sé, dude, yo lo sé, dude. Norton es tan bueno, es impresionante de mí.

Pero bueno, gracias por escuchar, espero que te puedan... ¡Ah... ¡Ah... ¡Que me pide! Si compre tu entrada y fema Madrid, siente la inspiración.