Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - D, Improv, Podcast

Episode Date: April 30, 2010

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Yo, what's up? This is Robert Kelly doing my, you know what did podcast and I'm with we're at Dallas Improv right now and with the feature act right that's what you like to be called. Sure, right and you headline. I do headline as well. Of course she does. I know. I get it. I'm kidding. You got a prick middle doesn't it's fucking want to call himself a headliner, right? I know and then you're the MC tonight and sometimes I guess but yeah, sometimes you guess Tell your names to the people John toll John toll dot net like I went through the URL in there fucking poor Marketing does that I knew on your fight. Wait. Welcome. We're podcast

Let me do not know. Yeah, okay. I just Justin Foster from Dallas Hey, what a nice guy you know you're not gonna get anywhere in this business doing that Justin comic com I see so it's in the back Well, they actually fired the guy you weren't supposed to be here. They fired the correct the MC He was he he's like 60 63 I believe yeah, and he's kind of dirty That's what I heard yeah, they actually replaced him with you. Yeah, I was on tour in Longview, Texas And they were like do you want to stay there and perform from a 15 people or come here? I like to call Longview Texas a tour. Yeah, I appreciate that. We do strove two hours one way. Yeah, to perform with a shithead in front of 15 people

What are you talking about? You're giving away from so many bumper stickers at the end of the show, you're like a fucking a new rave club that just opened up. Look, you gotta realize where I am not in my career. You get to realize, like, finally, this might be this a hot thing, I get to work with you. You realize in three weeks I'm opening for the wrestler Mick Foley. I love Mick Foley.

Great dude. Right, but from a comedic standpoint, you should be headlining. I am headlining. He's getting paid he paid though oh that's so dude they offered me that with dad fan when dad fan right after he hit he could only do 20 minutes so 20 yeah they offered me to come into one of the improvs in headline for like shit money and he was out of here to do ordeal he was gonna make like fucking 30 grand right you turn it down right yeah of course. Yeah, I would never fucking do that.

But anyways, we're on the second show. Just got down with the first show at the Dallas Improv. And two people got kicked out tonight. You're two for two. No, I'm three. You're three for two. No, three for three. Three for three.

Two shows, three people. Yeah. Yeah, two shows, three people. Last night the girl got kicked out. She cried. Good. Yeah, she should. She should cry.

Yeah. Yeah, she's an emotional hunched. Crouched in a hallway. Was she crouched down? Yeah. Right in the piano bar. You know, like that sad cry. You know what I mean?

That like I can't make eye contact with you, the whimpering with the lip going a little bit like. Because I heard she was a fan. So it would have been worse if you said I'm not mad. She was in the fan. She's listening to this right now. She's not a fan. I had this what I heard how She was outside in the hallway crying. I said to big fan is and he threw me out. No, I didn't throw you out She left. Oh, okay, I never throw I just told you I literally just always get to it

Yeah, she's not a fan dude. She's not a fan a fan which doesn't fucking raise fucking Shot glasses at my punchline I mean really she was just here for the she she was dry dude She doesn't fucking raise fucking shot glasses at my punchline. I mean, really, she was just here for the... She was drunk, dude, I don't get it. This is what's weird about comedy clubs, is people are coming here not to see comedy, to they're coming here to get drunk, like a regular bar,

like a dueling piano is just some shit. They're coming here, going, we're gonna get fucked up, and they have every intention of getting trash trashed here and then going to a bar They hate their lives. They hate their jobs. They show up here to get trash and forget about it You're just a dancing monkey up there talking all that. Yeah, but the comedy show should never be the last stop Now the comedy show would should be where you know before the strip club right exactly before the fucking hookers I think your friends won better apartment in Manhattan nobody has bottle service like Cinemark movies you know what I mean like this is it we're gonna be entertained and get fucked up in that they go I don't get it's like

fucking you know you come here to they come in here to laugh or you come in here to get shit faced and then and it's it's funny that girl she wasn't heckling she was just talking conversating at the table and everybody around her was mad. I got so many emails They do thanks for kicking that bitch out fucking dude tell her to shut up. Yeah, what is everybody afraid of go complain Tell her stand up and go shut the fuck up because they don't want to fight with the fucking dudes the fucking tattooed monkey She was with of course, you know who a nice guy's by the way They're actually cool and they actually keep most of them most of her friends came back in you know that right of course Yeah, and her boyfriend was mad that he had to leave with her

But maybe they want to see you rise to the occasion and see how you're gonna handle it That's why they know how would they feel because they don't know how you would react if they were to step in for you Dude, I'm just making it maybe they get buried there. Maybe they're afraid you're gonna bury them Well, you know, it's so weird is tonight this guy the girl like a kid The guy the girl like a kick that was shit-fest Yeah, the guy that you said was talking a little bit was awesome the nicest guy in the world the nicest guy in the world And the girl that got kicked out was so trash. It was just she was a kind of like a white trashy Like I'll put it this way as a street hooker good looking As a chick that you meet in the bar, a fucking four and a half.

But if you picked her up on the street, driving around in a car, wow. It's a treasure. Fuck yeah. Oh yeah, no fucking, she's not at Hunter's point. Yeah, no scabby skin. But in a bar, she'd be the chick you take. I'm like 157.

Yeah. If I was lucky, right. Yeah, right. So she was so drunk that she just kept talking. She was arguing with her fucking old dude she was with. I felt bad for that dummy because he's with her. And she was arguing. So I fucking, ugh.

I fucking ignored her. And then this guy, right? I mean, literally, it was almost done. Yeah. And he was wrapping up. He was like, what do you say? Oh, you're not funny. I'm glad this was free.

He goes, I'm glad this was, I didn't pay for this. This was free, because you're not funny. And, ah, dude, I saw a red. You were angry. You went from comedian to street fighter in 30 seconds. Because I really was, I was gonna, because what happens is these guys think that we're up there. You know what, telling goofy jokes would be in silly were making people laugh or fuck you know whatever and

They they don't look at you as a fucking like a guy or a man You know they look at you as a fucking bitch entertaining him on stage. I believe your quote was I'll knock you the fuck out I believe that's what you said. Yeah, but you know what it was so it's so fucking It's so stupid of me to say that because you know if I really If you know a tough guy a real fucking tough motherfucker wouldn't even say that no he'd be just like dude Fuck you. Say ya pussy. I got fuck I went back to like my junior high days Right and that lady yelled out he hurt you feeling And then you cop to it, which was good good for you you though, because she's absolutely right here. My feelings dude

I love their beat you're up there doing honest material right you share in your heart I'm getting funny and she calls it off Dude I honest to God though. He really hurt my feelings so bad because that's like my step-dad shit When he used to beat the shit out of me where I learned how to fucking make that fucking sad shit into rage. And then I'll chase him around with a fucking knife or a hatchet. You know what I mean? You fucking do it again.

And he pulled that shit. He was my stepdad, Billy Magicton. You're not funny, stupid. And I was like, oh, fuck it, funny. I'm gonna kill you. What an idiot. But I'm sitting there like, because I didn't know when you were gonna get out stage. So I'm sitting there like waiting to bring you off.

And this chick next to me is like, oh my god, this is hilarious. Yeah. I go, he's fucking pissed right now. Like, I really thought you were gonna chip, do it out. Well, no dude, it's stupid for me to do that. And number one, because if he, if I hit him, say I did get off stage and fucking punch him, I'm done. Cops are common, suing, clubs and trouble, I'm done. I'm Bob Kelly.

I would have like a, dude, I'd have to answer the question. Do what happened Dallas for fucking 10 years from cock suckers like you to Dude, I heard you fuck you to be on Twitter as soon as you try Yeah, you guys just fuck it up knocked out at Robert Kelly with our website at the bottom playing John tall Don't fuck yourself. You guys really would just fucking whip out your dumb iPhone. Very, very sad. I'd be videoing it.

I'd be vlogging. I would have my face in the foreground with you fighting in the background. See the rest of this video on my website. I would have a URL crawling across the bottom. I'd be selling tickets. You'd be on fucking CNBC talking about it. Yeah, it happened while this. It'd be on the red eye show. Nancy Grace would have you on with her fucking thumb eyebrow.

Then we had a new bullshit credit when we worked with Robert Kelly when he punched the guy in the face. And it was also in last comic, Stan. It would be the fucking Zebruder film of 2010. It would be the guy with the hit the guy with the guitar and then me on YouTube. Yeah. Right.

But yeah, and or, like I said said before if I stepped off stage and this guy was like a fucking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Cuz you know who's who and he fucking tapped me the fuck out then you guys would never talk to me again You'd fucking walk past me Because you just fucking Joe Rogan Yeah, you guys are proud Yeah, like Rog told Rogan, ah! Yeah, you guys are probably all of them. You guys are probably all of them. Yeah, like Rogan, Rogan, Rogan, if Rogan says,

I'm gonna knock you out, I'd be like, I'm fucking scared. But if I, you know, not that I'm a pushover, I'll fucking up. No, no. I'll fight both of you guys right now, you know? Okay. Because you're curting my feelings. Alright, yeah. The best quote of the night though was in the chickless yellin' at you.

Or you were talking about, Why are you fucking married? And you go, I like being married because was in the chick was yelling at you. Or you were talking about why you fucking married and you go, I like me, America's. I used to date fucking bitches like you when I was single. Yeah, fuck her. Fuck that. Oh, she makes me sick. I drunk people that come to comment.

Why come? I don't get it. I don't get the fucking getting that plastered to where you literally are poisoning your fucking body. Okay? That your body has to regurgitate everything you put it or you're gonna die. Is this a new mindset you have now? I mean, you don't drink anymore. I've been sober for 24 years.

Okay, but when you were that guy and you were partying. I was an asshole. Okay, so that was an asshole. So then you're relating that. I was fucking, I have a ball. Suck a punch in people, doing the same shit, getting arrested, same bullshit, dude. Same shit.

Yeah, but that get hammered. I cut myself off, though. I have that like, okay, maybe I should, like, I'll tab out. Yeah, some people do. Some people get drunk. And like my wife gets drunk. She just talks more. I can't tell that she shit face.

She's just going, and I'm like, shut the fuck up. Stop talking to my friends. You know what I mean? But this guy gets, he gets, she's just going, and I'm like, shut the fuck up, stop talking to my friends. You know what I mean? But this guy, he was cocky man, that girl, she turned into a fucking angry cunt. Your problems come out when you're drunk. You become what you can't become in your real life. When I was drunk, I was violent.

Because I'm not a violent guy. But I wouldn't let people fuck with me. And when I drank, I would violent. Okay, because I'm not a violent guy, but all my shit, I wouldn't let people fuck with me. And then when I drank, I would fucking fuck you. I'd get the courage, the courage in a can. You know what I mean? And that guy's, that guy was a fucking dickhead. I mean, literally a fucking dickhead. And it's, I'd love to jump off stage. And I would, I would, my dream would, you ahead no go ahead you get well I was being way too worried well the whole thing is it's like you had already called get this fucking guy out of here everyone knew he was going yeah and then the

girl he was with the Filipino the male order the one he picked up the port might be honest that's what that was right yeah sheep made the comment to you your feelings which can you and you called it and you got a huge laugh from it and that guy who was about to be kicked out thought that that laugh was a saving grace like you got to stay. Yeah, you relax. You relax like, okay, I'm looking back. No, it's fun. And then you You still got to go. Yeah, you still got to go. I go. No, because he was trying to get his last I go what happened when he know why I got Mad, I'll tell you why I got mad. I remember now because it's so funny when you get no fight You forget ever you forget you're the island real it is only yesterday in your head when you're in your own fight Did you hit me did I throw something dude? This is what happened ready?

He when I told him you're going he looked like he was gonna get his drink and Throw it at me. He was about to do something. I might fucking spite that's what happened. I remember now my spidey senses went off and I knew he was about to throw something, throw his drink or something and I couldn't have that. So that's why I fucking, I got an alpha male. I was like, dude, I said something to the, I said something like, dude, you're not down to do shit. Something like that. I'll fucking knock you the fuck out. Cause I knew he was about to do something. That's why I got on mad. Cause he was about to fucking hurt me.

I do something. That's why I got mad. And he did hurt my feelings. I mean, it was a mixture of both. But when he was about to say something, he wanted to get the last word. Like last week in Cleveland, this guy was waiting for me to stop talking on the mic. So he could his last I go it's not happening I just

kept talking over him you're not getting your last word stupid it's not happening get the fuck out and they grabbed him and tossed him the fuck out I just don't get it dude if you had it to do over again tonight would you've handled it the exact same way yeah I mean what am I gonna do dude I'm just up there trying to fucking tell jokes and the fact is is that I'm not up there I mean some people tell jokes that everybody finds funny my shit I don't think you know some people will like fucking you know dude I know this guy's in there. I stopped talking about going to therapy or feelings that like fucking effagate I get it

But I'll fuck you either you get it or you don't but you know people that are my fans are gonna get it You know what I mean? That's that's what I'm fucking trying to make a laugh. How long you been in therapy? Five years how often a week how many times a week? Once a week as a make you feel huh? 55 minutes. What's that how long is your session 45 minutes? 45 minutes once a week. Yeah, what have you learned? What have I learned? Yeah, first of all fucking Fucking Morton down in junior what the fuck how did you switch my podcast? To the little podcast cuz this is John tol net the

Is that a hijacked? You were about to answer so go ahead not all ants you have a thing, but you're not fucking you know fucking hijacked in my It's not a podcast run my iPhone you fucking cut You really want to be famous, don't you why don't you pass out some flyers? I'm gonna be downstairs because we downstairs put in shit on windshield Yeah after the after the show it's like walking down the street I found out when he's got exactly right. I found one of his bumpers stickers on my room door He's actually telling people it's his show this week. That's right, it is, it is.

No, it did five years and a lot. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I'm gonna go into you. I couldn't, I wouldn't be married, dude. I wouldn't be with a chick at all. I'd be, I was, oh, dude, I fucking hated women. Fucking hated, dude, fucking hated them. And it got to the point where I was either gonna

lose my chick forever, goodbye, goodbye or and go and be that guy Or I was gonna try to fucking change that shit and go and work that shit out. You know what I mean? Yeah, fuck yeah, so you know absolutely so your advice to the angry people no not angry people or People who think they need therapy what you would say dude. I think you should go to therapy mind me every dude you're a comic what do you try to do I look like the most well-adjusted human being actually in your face you do you have a very very very feel like a young Santa Claus you do I actually want to fight your cheek he was talking to the other the

old Memcee not me because I would hurt my feelings and I'd fight this big he's a big cocksucker but I'd roll with him because I know it'd be tired quick too fucking you throw haymakers early to chucky to chucky bastards trying to get each other in a headlock Sweating on each other. That's what I'm gonna go. I guess I'm headlining now I just got bumped up since MC last look at you. Look at you. Look at you. It's exactly he's trying to climb all this I can you go and just talk to him. I say goodbye. All right. Bye. All right. Thank you Show starting all right. Go ahead. We're not fucking asking you to stay all right Beat us

All right, well now we're going on to the other show hopefully Fuck it'll be phenomenal Why wouldn't it be because the my wife came in see my wife said the front about what we're doing this I go look I have a little anxiety about the show because last night, you know It was a little crazy. I just don't want it to be like that because it's gonna be fine. They're fine. No, it wasn't so fuck you But isn't it because you thought beforehand? It's not gonna be fine She had the same thing because because we received we create all right fucking Florence scuffle shanning your manifesto I believe in that stupid shit, dude. All right

We're gonna get you fucking deep rock show for fucking CDs That's not him. He doesn't he doesn't believe in that shit Who's the real magic guy the fuck I already said it? I already said it. I just had more in scuffle shit 1929 She started all this shit. Yes. Yeah, that a made up. No, that's dude the game of life and how to play it in written it when dude 1929 it's all Metaphysics shit. It's all about your brain as your fucking wand and your words of your wand, what you say happens, what you think happens, and oh yeah, I believe in all that shit, but go fuck yourself on my podcast. I'm not

gonna let you spout that shit. What's your website again? JohnTold.net. Go there if you want that fucking horse shit. I want to go there and hear stories about psychic and elixin mushrooms., why do you do a lot of drugs? Yeah, so yeah, do me yeah, well, you know, I can get to the same place. I just do it by eating yeah, dude I have no problem with that shit if a guy if somebody can use drugs fucking go bro If you can drink fucking awesome great I love that shit. I'd love to be able to smoke some fucking great weed. I just can't my I have that addictive Fuck that person out you don't think I have that addictive fucked up personality. You don't think I have an addictive personality?

Yeah, but dude, it's 305 pounds. It doesn't matter, dude. I'm talking about drugs. If I did hallucinogenic stew, I'd be dead. I'm not going to fucking do them to enjoy myself to find my comedy, to find the other fucking realm of life, to come back and fucking blog about it. I'm going to go and do it until the pain goes away,

and that's never going to happen. So you're going to find me dead, to fucking resin it in, and fucking blog about it. I'm gonna go and do it until the pain goes away, and that's never gonna happen. So you're gonna find me dead in the fucking resonant in, in fucking Addison, you understand? Because that is when the pain goes away eventually. Yeah, dude, I can't fuck with that shit, dude. I just, that's not my, I can't do, I wish I could. I could do, I'd love to fucking drop some fucking crazy drugs

and see what happens, to see what that shit looks like. I just can't fucking do it. I did it when I was 13 14 15 and you know I Did it I fucked up, you know what I mean? So I'd love to smoke weed dude. Oh my god. I love to smoke a joint. Can't fucking do it. Can't smoke cigarettes I can't eat fucking shitty food. I just can't because everything fucks me food with you You're fucking a addict to food totally food addict. Yeah, you're doing what you're right now, Bob We being a food addict is hitting home food addict. Yeah. You're doing what you're right now about being a food addict.

It's hitting home so hard. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, but you like therapy, shit like that. Yeah. You know what therapy is? People think therapy is this guy telling you what to do. It's not.

It's a place I get to go once a week where I can be 100% honest with another human being where it's neutral. It doesn't affect Not judging you dude. He can't fuck up my life if I was honest with my wife I'd my it would be over I need some if I was honest with my friend They would secretly have some shit on me or fucking okay if I this guy All he wants to do is listen to me and help me so I can go to him and say dude this chick Fucking wanted to suck my cock and I almost did it. I can't tell my wife. No, yeah, you don't tell my friend that Why don't you fucking do it, if I get you understand this guy's gonna go why didn't you why didn't you do it?

Well, you didn't do it. That's good. I'm gonna go yeah, I know but blah blah blah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you can't tell your wife that you, while you're fucking her, doggies, you're thinking of this chick that you all wanted to suck your cock. You need to be able to tell somebody that where it's not gonna be a running joke and it's not gonna ruin your fucking marriage. You know what I'm saying?

No, it makes a ton of sense. A place once a week and that's what like AA and A, or any self-help group is based on one motherfucker telling another motherfucker in complete honesty. What is problem? It's pure counseling, basically. It's just being honest and getting it the fuck out and understanding it and being like,

okay, cool, I'm not a piece of shit. I'm, you know, okay, cool, let's move on and keep a moment. I learned bang,, okay cool. Let's move on. Keep a moment. I learned bang. Let's go do I envy motherfuckers that can go through life and just live There's these live in the present dude. There's motherfuckers out there that don't have problems I it's like God do you float bitch? Do you float? Yeah, but are but are those people who are trying to be creative? We're trying to get a career or trying to make that happen or those people who have settled into Jobs no, those are people who have settled into jobs.

No, those are people who have accepted who they are. Who are well adjusted. There are people that are well adjusted. There are people that fucking, you know, there's motherfuckers. This comics out there that adjusts to have, they're just who they are. Confident, secure and fucking, I would love to be that. Really? Huh?

Are they funny? Fuck yeah. There's motherfuckers out there, dude. There's guys out there, fucking. Rogans, one of those. Oh yeah, Rogans. Rogans, a classic. Yeah, but Rogans, one of those fucking dudes,

got his shit to get, I mean, dude, he can fucking rip you head off and shit down it. He knows a lot about fucking shit. He's a funny motherfucker. Yup. He's smart. You know what I mean, dude? What the fuck? You know what I mean? He's very opinionated and fucking shit. He's a funny motherfucker. He's smart. You know what the fuck? You know what I mean? He's very opinionated and fucking knows. I don't fucking, dude. I don't know. I don't know shit. I don't know if I fucking look at my Democrat or Republican. I don't

make sense if you fucking right. You understand? I'm not claiming to be. I wish I could. I just don't fucking have that shit in me. Do you? No. But I have no idea what I'm doing either. I know I'm looking right at you. I know. I see you can tell. You see me with hair. Me with hair. It's me a year and a half ago with hair.

That's great. I can't wait till four years from now. I'm doing my own podcast in the same green room. You are doing a podcast. I know, but I'll be doing mine. Oh, yeah, but you know, I'm doing mine on yours right now. I appreciate it. Yeah, exactly.

You hijacked my fucking fat cunts. That happens. This is not fat, but I know I am I have my problems as well I could carry it well they say yeah, I said they said the same thing to me, but I am TV unfriendly You know how bad it is to be cold your TV unfriendly dude. I never heard that Never I'm not you'd have never heard that in my life. Yeah, it's like oh you're funny. I heard that. I'm not. You'd have never heard that in my life. Yeah, it's like, oh, you're funny. I heard that about Nazis. Who says that? Who said that to you?

When you go to cast the agents, you know, you're doing that. They give you the look. I'm just a TV friend. Yeah, because I got a weird body. Wow. I would say unconventionally good looking. OK. Well, thank you.

That's kind of a weird thing now. Yeah. OK. We've taken that to a weird place. No, you took it to a weird place. You's kind of a weird thing now. Yeah, okay. We've taken that to a weird place and you took it to a weird place. You can't do a weirder place. I didn't say it while sitting on your lap rubbing your fucking sack. Not yet Trying to take over the podcast again, aren't you? It's not gonna happen. You fuck you. You fucking I gotta get ready to get on It's a sake right now guys. Thank you so much John told doc. Thank you. This one person listening bullshit Guys thank you so much John toll dot thank you. This one person listening bullshit Singular douchebag. All right, all right guy. Hey, no, just say hey you are you listening at home

But you're cockaway John toll dot net matter here really? I'm gonna plug in my website Robert Kelly live dot com Yeah, that's how they got to the podcast well, then look at your URL bar, all right And that's your history. I that's the first podcast I don't care if you liked it a lot. It doesn't matter because I did it on my iPhone and a fucking green room. The show's second show's going on right now. I don't know if it's good or bad. First show, two people got kicked out. One drunk bitch with, I think she was a hooker with an old guy and the other guy just a fucking douche I hope I bump into him at a fucking supermarket

getting onions fucking smack him in the back of the head and just keep it moving but anyways second shows up and running hope it's cool there's a lot of people coming down to the shows. Thanks for coming down and supporting the fucking comedy. And that's it. Make sure you join my mailing list. Try on the front page. Says join my mailing list. Get on that so I can let you know when I'm coming to your town. And then Twitter and all that other bullshit. I'm done over and out. Dude!

You know what, dude? Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand.

I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going to give you a hand. I'm going go slow. I'll talk to Dr. Trudeau. I wanna wave. What's that? Jock? My jaw.

Jock. My jaw. This jaw. That's a good man. Good. You're not gonna say good. Yeah, you're not just like I said, I'm just like fucking shut up. If I say that, you have to fuck out. But if I say, do you need to be quiet a few more of a way,

or do you want to be a strong, I want to be a fuck out. You know, I'm not a fuck out. Unless I say, what's the code of a fuck? I was like, what's the code?