Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Dangerous Joe Is Back

Episode Date: May 30, 2013

Dangerous Joe DeRosa returns for a one on one with Robert. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Pluto TV, ven a verlos sin pagar nunca. your listening to Robert Kelly's You know what, dude? On the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com I want to get this out of the way real fast right at the beginning. Make sure you check out tweedaudio.com. Use the code word dude. Buy a few pairs of headphones for you and your friends and your family. 33% off. 33% off. Free shipping. Checked out our page on Amazon

and GameFly. Go to GameFly.com slash YKWD. Two free weeks. That's right. Two free weeks. Click the Netflix of gaming. And make sure you check out our friend, Daniel LeBel has a new CD. It's available on iTunes and Amazon. It's called Daniel LeBel, some kind of comedian. Make sure you check it out. I like to help these guys out. Let people know about comedians that you wouldn't know about. Young guys that are coming up,

been in the business for a while. I want to make sure that you guys know about good comics. And that way you can help them out, promote them, and you guys, that's a fucking truck going by while I'm doing this. Fuck God. Anyways, check it out. Daniel and Bell's new album on iTunes and Amazon, some kind of comedian, and make sure you follow all the people on these shows on the Twitter and on the Facebook and go to this show shows live because that's what we do. We're comedians, we want you to show up and see what we really do. We're just stand up comedy. I appreciate it again.

Thanks. You know what? You taught too much, dude. I know. I know. All right, here you go. Um, Dangerous Joe is back. Joe DeRosa came into the studio. We're supposed to just do a tech talk. Our segment.

That was my computer if you were wondering. And we, you know, like the good old days, just want to be yapping. So this is going to be a two-part Thursday. First part is today, I mean Joe DeRoso. We just wind up fucking yapping about shit. And then next week we'll be a tech talk, our show, with me and Joe, where we go over the galaxy for us and he tries to sell me on this fucking thing.

So there you go, on the Thursday episode, extra special edition, one on one. Me and Joderosa, aka Dangerous Joe, shoot the shit for an hour. Next week will be the second half Will we do a little tech talk and I have fucking diarrhea today, so I'm gonna go shit my pants enjoy Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Liri. This is Opie from a lot of things This is Bert Chrysler. Staying cooking you a lot of things. This is Bert Christy. Staying cooking you are listening to Robert Kelly's you know what dude? You know what dude?

If you bippy by if you bippy boo dippy dippy dhya you have a dabba do You know what dude? You know what dude? We're back. Guess what everybody? Original fucking fans. The hardcore dudes. The hardcore dudes. Yeah, you know, you can hear that fucking cackle. You know what the fuck that is?

Yeah, it's, you can hear that fucking cackle. You know what the fuck that is? Yeah, it's dangerous fucking jail. Not drinking liquor tonight though. Now, I'm off beer, I've been on a diet, you know what I mean? If you had liquor liquor, I'd drink some of it because it's fucking shit. But you know, I don't need the drink, you know. We never have anybody that dangerous up here in the studio anymore, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get a, what's your favorite liquor? Uh, I like makers, Mark these days. I'm gonna get a, what's your favorite liquor? Uh, I like makers' mark these days. I'm gonna get a bottle of makers' mark for the studio. Yeah. And a cup, one. I'll tell you so, you get a bottle of makers up here. That's gonna get, you're gonna go through that before I fucking, before you get any of it to me.

Nobody can have it. The fucking alkeys you have on this program. No, everybody's done. Joe's been, Joe list is sober. Dan Soda hasn't drank in months. Oh, God. Nobody drinks beers anymore. It's a wrap. It's just fucking bothers me. There's, I haven't joked on my new CD where I go.

If you want to meet one more 24-year-old kid that goes, you know, I just don't drink anymore. Go fuck yourself. I mean, I'm tired of it. I haven't been doing like, I've been sober so for 30 years. I really can't side with you But I actually do want aside with you. I do get you if I could drink I would but The I would love I mean not love to see you drunk like I'd love to see you fall off the wagon I just I'm so curious to see what you would be like terrible terrible. Is it real aggressive? Yeah, aggressive

I'm just all my fears and insecurities turned into superhero powers. You know what I mean? Fucking asshole. And we were talking about that while we were just shooting the shit here is that I fucking, I've been a lot of stressed out.

I've been snapping. I've been in a great mood. I'm very excited that my kids coming, right? By this, when this comes out, he could already came. Yeah, jeez. Coming out next Thursday. So he could have already fucking came. Jesus.

It's wild. So I'm very excited doing, very happy. I'm very, let's do this. But I'm also stressed out a lot. I'm asleep in that well, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I've been snapping on cabbies and people, not close people, but the people you should fucking snap on. Right.

Yeah. Well, I think that all of that will diffuse if you relocate with your family out of the city. I think New York, it really is like in Ghostbusters 2, where they talk about that river of slime under the city. It know, I think New York, it really is like in Ghostbusters 2 where they talk about like that river of slime under the city. It's like something about this place. It's just, if you're already prone to freak like guys like us are, this city is not going to help you not do that.

You can beat it, but it's not going to help you not do it. It's going to throw fuel in that fire every fucking day. Well, here's what New York is great for. When you're a guy like me, you can thrive in this city. You can walk around on edge and you kind of fit in. But when you want to not be that guy, when you want to kind of just be happy and enjoy life and come home, because you've been traveling all fucking day.

When staying out till five in the morning isn't what you really want to do, because you got to get up the next day or you don't want to sleep until three or your wife wants you to do some queer shit. You know, you, it's like, you come home and you can't get a parking spot because there's a new club on your block and everybody's parking and you get to, and as soon as you get one, somebody, you know, pulls in or, you know, and steals it from you, who lives in fucking Jersey And they don't even live in your neighborhood right or you're trying to get a cab But you pregnant wife at 9 30 at night down and get fucking Christopher Street

And there's this fucking men Men young men Thin little medium douchebags right in the fuck the sports coats with the t-shirts and the little European Sherlock home shoes right right and they run in and grab the cab in front of a pregnant woman Yeah, yeah, yeah, they'll say you off to it and then they immediately get on their phone as soon as they get in They look at their phone and they just because they don't want to make eye contact because if they do I For the first time in my life, I put a hex on a cab driver a hex I didn't know what to say Joe I went I hex you I jinx you I

Gave him the devil horns on both sides and I went and he went what he got scared I think he was Jamaican yeah You know he's from some country where they believe that's possible. I Didn't know what to do it was either that a fucking grabbed a little twink out of the back seat and throw him in the gutter. Oh my god, Jesus. You gotta get out of this town, dude. I gotta go.

I need a driveway. And I know I'll get sick of those assholes. Those these muffins. We just made these muffins. I'm gonna hate that little place, too. This is the, by the way, we're two, three minutes in and I'm two movie quotes in already because I'm about to quote another movie this is the beginning of stir crazy dude where they're sitting at bar and they see the dudes fighting a G1 to go see what this town does to people we got to get out of here like

you're at that phase dude it's like you got it it's time to go man I was not good for it's not good for your heart your soul and then you don't want to you don't want to bring that home with your kid want to you don't want to bring that home With your kid because you don't even want to bring that home when you got a dog that who's whose behavior is influenced by that You know what I mean? I know already a fun trembles at lightning cuz he thinks it's me going what the fuck in the business never gives me a break I Yeah, dude, you're right. I went and looked at houses this week brother. We're up in Jersey West Jersey I can tell you I want up to I'll tell you the towns. I want up to West Jersey and Below Niaq in between the George Washington and the the tap and Z

Mm-hmm. Oh, and what is that called the I don't know I'm not sure but I know I kind of know where you mean yeah it's the fuck up below Nyack across across the river it's New York right but it's up on New York you know what I mean it's I'll tell you exactly where it is I'm looking at it right now it's it's called like West New York or something like that. Yeah, it's some shit like that. It's called Tapan and Rockley, that up there. And it's on the Palisades Parkway.

Palisades Parkway and then over left somewhere in Jersey further down. 30 minutes out of the city with no traffic. And I'm telling you, the house that I wanted, it was my dream house, sold, gone. It was on the market for a week, and it's already fucking four days, it's gone. You'll get it though.

You'll get another thing where you'll go, thank God we didn't get that other one. Yeah. It'll just happen. And you know, like, yeah, I could, I moved out to Brooklyn, which by the way has been literally life changing for me. Really?

Change my whole fucking attitude. Why? It's everything we're talking about, man. Like, I was so depressed living, I'm not shitting on Manhattan, man. I love Manhattan. But I got really depressed living here because I was in an apartment.

I didn't like. I was with a landlord company that was treating me poorly, in my opinion. I didn't like the building I was in, the neighborhood I was in felt like deserted, and I never left my house because I was like, why would I leave my house? To walk to what, Nordstrom Rack, and spend $50 on bullshit,

I don't need, or to this overpriced fucking restaurant, where the food's not that good. There was just nothing to look at. There's nothing to do. Did I move to Brooklyn? I'm on a, I'm in Williamsburg. I want a street lined with beautiful trees, tons of leaves.

My apartment's got four fucking huge windows. Central air, climate control in the apartment. There's a playground and a basketball court across the street. So the only noise I hear is nice. It's like nice to hear moms playing with their kids and dudes playing hoop and shit. It feels like neighborhoody.

And dude, I walk out of my place. There's so much cool shit to walk to. It's just a cool neighborhood to be out in. And it's not, I live South Williamsburg. North Williamsburg is like the Times Square of Brooklyn. And I can walk to it in five minutes if you want to be in the thick of shit. And if I don't want to be in it, I walk the fuck out of it and it's fine. And dude, it's just like every restaurant is a home run, record stores that I like shit like that.

Cool fucking clothing shops, coffee shops where you can just go and talk to people. It's just that kind of vibe, dude. So it makes me want to get up, it makes me want to, how does he get to Newark? I mean, probably, I mean, it's the same price for a cab as it is for Manhattan. It's like, it was like 60 bucks to get there when I lived in Hell's Kitchen.

And it's the same price. If I was going to take the train, you know, it's more annoying. Like you got to fucking take the, if I was going to train it, I would have to, you know, get to the Penn station, which is like the L to whatever to Penn station and then down. So I don't think I'm going to be fucking with Newark too much anymore. But that's my, that's, here's my thing with New York, dude. And

I, I might have to, what I'm going to have to do is sell my place, a renta place and buy a place. Because, you know, I need to get that cash, you know what I mean? I need to get a fucking cash. So it's gonna be a weird process for me. Because I'm gonna have to go and be somewhere where I'm not gonna be for a while. So it might be Brooklyn.

It might be Queens. It might be a story. It might be, I go rent the house in Jersey for a year. I don't know. But I gotta get the fuck out. But my only problem is, is getting to those airports. You know, we were on the road so much, and getting to get the fuck out, but my only problem is is getting to those airports You know we we're on the road so much and getting to JFK like I'm hell's kitchen is so centrally located To me to everything well Brooklyn is

Closer to those two airports and it's cheaper to get to in a car Right car service for me to out laguardi is like 25 bucks. It was like 33 from hell's kitchen and no toll to outleguardies like 25 bucks. It was like 33 from Hell's Kitchen. And no toll, because you're past the tunnel. Yeah. So, you know, it's, you know, you know, Morin, Terran, obviously. She, when I was first thinking about moving out there,

I was just like, Morin, I can't fucking figure this out, like what neighborhood to go, and she goes, look, you're never gonna get everything. It's impossible. Unless you're a goddamn billionaire, you're never going to get everything. It's impossible. Unless you're a goddamn billionaire, you're never going to have a perfect situation. So she's like, make a list of what you need most and then work backwards from there.

And I was like, okay, and that's what helped me settle on where I went. Because I knew what was important for me was I wanted to be in a neighborhood where I wanted to leave the house and meet people. Do a man don't want to this place, this house. We pull up, it's a stone driveway, trees everywhere, bamboo surrounding the house.

It's, you walk in, it's a contemporary house, in the 50s, glass, angled walls and ceilings, loft, looking down into the living room. You walk out back, it's like, you know, a one, two, three tiered deck into a garden. I was, I was like, oh, I actually heard myself go, ooh a garden, I could fucking, and then, you know, the bedroom was fine, we'd have to do some alterations

to this house, but then the lazy guy, she goes to the store down the street, it's called the market. We go in, it's all handmade sandwiches and breads and soups and it's, hey, how you doing? What's going? You're going to try these Kobe dogs. You're going to, the nicest people ever. And yet, I don't know if that sheet used to bug the fuck out of me. Nice white people that made Puerto Ricans friendly, like trained Puerto Ricans. that made Puerto Ricans friendly, like trained Puerto Ricans. Jesus. Used to, hey man.

Oh, fuck you. I see your teardrop tattoo. I see the, you have MS-13 on your arm, and you're telling me about fresh baked bread. Oh, that's funny. So, I used to hate it, but now I'm like, I love it. I went there, we had all this great food and we sat down. So friendly, I wanted to buy the place right there

and just call it a day. Right. But you're absolutely right. Your place will find you. I will get out of the city now. I'm a firm believer that whatever you really want, truly want, you'll get. Yeah.

But the only way that you'll get it is, I just look at your phone and I just got, oh my God, dude. Ha ha ha ha ha. This is, I just literally, I, oh my God. You just took away, I stopped thinking about my child and the home I'm gonna, is like house. Look at the shine on the back of it.

I got to knew Samsung Galaxy 4, which Bob does not have yet. And we're going to talk a lot about this, but I feel bad at distracting. I want to keep talking about what we're talking about. Put that in your pocket. Put that away, dude. God damn it, that look good. What do you see the screen? Hang on. Who on. Who used to talk on this way about pussy? Yeah. I go back to my house, I took the bus today. I hate the bus. I fucking despise the bus. I'll never take a bus to somewhere.

It's just a rule out. Where did you take it just in the city? I just jumped on the bus today. I do it every once in a while now because It's fucking a goof It's the same as a train you're standing there. I'm gonna get a cap Right the bus pulls up in front of me. It's going to the same place. It makes a hundred stops There's old people in lunatics, and it smells like diapers, but it's a goof. I kind of like the bus I don't know what I'm cool and air condition

It's cool, but the guys who drive it, are cunts. They drive, they're not driving like they're driving life, lives around. They're driving like they're driving fucking bread. Right, yeah. It's a stop-go. It's like, dude, could you fucking have some finesse? I mean, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, it's not, yeah, you're not getting a show for, in the front of the bus. Yeah, at least the show for would say sorry if he stopped short This car. I'm getting seasick with this cock sucker That's fucking hilarious. And then every stop at some cunt with a walker that she doesn't need I know and you got to wait for that thing that air lift to go down my wife is pregnant, okay? and she wound up getting up she had to get up and for this old lady.

And all these old women came on and everybody selfish and everybody's a fucking looking out for themselves. And, you know, and I told Don I go Don, I want you to hold on, hold on. With, and she's like, I'm fine. And some lady, she was like, you can have my seat. And I'm like, take that seat. She's like, I'm fine.

My wife, she's a stubborn brob from Everett. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm like, that seat. She's like, I'm fine. My wife, she's a stubborn brod from Everett. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I ain't not. All right, listen to me. I, on the bus, I go gone. I don't give a fuck about anybody else on this bus, but you.

Right. Okay, do you understand what I'm saying to you? So you either take a seat and hold on with two hands. Right. Don't pull this shit with me. Right. Right. It's like, what do you, I don't want you to fall

and hurt yourself or hurt my baby. I could give a fuck about any of these old ladies. Yeah. Or any fucking other dumb brought on this bus. Yeah, yeah. It's not time to prove a point. And it's like, I don't need that in my life. I need to get in a car, go to a supermarket,

one place, buy it all, walk out with a supermarket, one place, buy it all, go to the, walk out with a cart, leave it for some kid to grab, I'll give him a couple bucks, go home, pull up to my driveway, or maybe into my garage. Right. And go into my house, and the groceries, put them on the table, and put them away. Right. Well, my wife's cooking dinner. I love how you said put them on the table, because what you ins insinuate was and then my wife puts them away. That's a fucking

Absolutely come on son. You're really trying to smooth it out. You go put them on the table. You know, I'm gonna put them away All right, here's it here it is I've been doing a lot more since she's been pregnant. I've started cooking dinner again. Oh, it's good. I started Cooking good. I used to cook a lot back in when I lived in LA Oh, it's good. I started cooking. Good. I used to cook a lot back in when I lived in LA. I cooked a lot. I stopped. Look, my wife's an old-school broad man.

You get that dangerous, Joe. Hey, I get it. You know what I mean? I get it. And I like it and she likes it. Yeah. I take care of her. I get it.

Yeah. She likes to cook. She likes to clean. You know what I mean? I saw my pregnant wife on her knees polishing a floor on Saturday. Jesus Christ. Oh, it was literally barefoot and pregnant.

Barefoot pregnant, I'd give a nice huff to get the sweaty hair out of her face while I was playing Xbox. Ah, come on. Come on. I, I, I started, that was another good thing about moving, dude, was I started, I have a nice sized kitchen again, so I started cooking again. Right.

And it's fucking great. Dude, all that supermarket shit, I'll tell you, when I visit my parents, I couldn't live where my parents live, and I have, dear, I have dear friends. What was that? ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Qué te pasa? I'm not a moron, I'm just a moron, I'm just a moron I'm not a moron, I'm just a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron

I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I'm not a moron, I'm not a moron I feel like it's probably the guy that I think he has somebody's keys.

I don't know. Now Bobby is saying who is it repeatedly to whoever's on the other end of this intercom, which I don't know what they do with intercoms in New York, but every time you press the button to listen to who's downstairs, it sounds like there's a blizzard happening. So I don't know why he's doing that. Not why he's doing that, but I don't know why it sounds like that because it's always, you know, you can never hear who it is. Anyway, this has been my New York intercom bit while Bob was gone and he's back. Dude, I don't know what the fuck that was.

I was probably like somebody wants to put menus under the doors. They just ring any bell. There's no people don't do that here. There's a gate. I think what do the guys hit the wrong button? Something because I heard some fucking accent. But here's the thing. When I couldn't live where my parents lived, despite the fact that I have some really good friends out there. That's why your God didn't professional. Just stop everybody. He didn't fucking even miss a beat he did his thing he explained it and then as soon as I sat back down and he picked it right back up where he left off all your little podcast is out there are you little interviewers no list

rewind that good job I love it I don't like digressing uh we funny now if we digress about digressing. Hey folks, that's a little Williamsburg humor. That's a little wordplay. No, but I couldn't, despite the fact that I've really good friends out there and people to actually hang out with and have fun with, I couldn't live out there because you know, you walk outside at 10 o'clock, the streets are black. It is, everybody, the doors are shut, the lights are out. I can't do that, it freaks me out.

But that's, I can't do it because I'm a single dude. Yeah, fuck you. And I need to, you know. You can commit suicide. Yeah. I'd kill myself if I didn't have my wife. Right, exactly. And I live, and the place I looked at, if I lived there alone, I would fucking, I'd be, first of all, hookers galore.

Whatever hookers were in that town would know my name. Oh, you'd get the nice expensive ones Yeah, I'm pricey out there in the burbs. Oh, yeah, because they got a travel. Oh, yeah, there's no let's just go around the corner Yeah, fucking Pinchy new jersey. Yeah, there's no chick gonna call you poppy up and But they but the one thing she's sucking you dick to get her real estate license up in New Paul. But I do look forward to when I'm there. I actually like, you know, my parents feel like it's a special occasion when I'm home.

So they're always like, where do you want to go? Let's go out to dinner. Dude, nine times out of ten, I say, let me go to the supermarket. I will buy a bunch of stuff and we'll cook. Like, I enjoy walking around a big supermarket, talking to the clerks, the friendliness of it all. Oh, look, a seafood section. I'll get some of this and here's the meats and whatever.

And you get fucking creative or whatever. And then you go home and you're in a fucking nice-sized kitchen. There's a grill out back you cooked the I like that shit. I remember Patrice I went over his house when he lived with Will on Jersey City his first joint He took me over to the international super market Which is just a fucking ginormous supermarket and it has like China or India or you know Japan and It's like let it'll say Japan and then that's all the Japanese foods.

Yeah, like it doesn't say it but it is that. You know, like that's all the Japanese food, all Chinese food or seafood and steaks, blah, blah, blah. And he took me in there one day and we walked around and got so much shit, giant king crab legs, which I never had at that time. All this great food. And we went back to his house and he just cooked

this crazy meal. And I was like dumbfounded, like what the fuck? You can do that? Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing though, is that, you know, I've talked about this before, I'm gonna show you, you gotta go to 19 different places in New York City

because there's no one place to go. I can't believe in New York, they don't have a giant supermarket somewhere in the middle of the city. And I know it's because the trucks can't get in and they can't stock it and there's not enough room. Well, actually, it's not super close to you but it's closer than Harlem.

There's a fairway now. Well actually, you got a fairway on the Upper West side. It's 70%. How big is it? Is it fucking huge? A fairway? It Well actually, you got a fairway on the Upper West side. It's 70. How big is it? Is it fucking huge, dude? A fairway? It's huge. Where is that?

All right, so how do I get home? You take a cab. That's what I used to do that when I lived in Hell's Kitchen. I would do a set at Stan New York. I'd walk to fairway. It was like three blocks away on Broadway. I would do all my shopping and I would just get a cab home. So it's just fucking annoying.

It is, but I mean, you know, there's some, there's, all I'm trying to say is there's some options that are a little better than what you think's out there because fuck food and poor him. Right, fuck that. Shit all. You know, we lived, you know, blocks from one of those places and it was like,

that place, it's overpriced, it's dog shit, it's sucks, the selection sucks. Gresteedys is kinda, you know, but fair with, there's one in my old neighborhood in Grammar City. You know what I want? I want one of those big ass motherfucking super stopping shops or whatever the fuck they're shopwrites

or when you go like a Ralph's and you walk in and you don't have, it's just massive. And a massive fruit section. You're like, what the fuck, there's fruits everywhere. Then a massive meat set, and then pulled, and you go up the aisles, a huge, you won't touch anybody, because they're just so big. And then they have a Starbucks and they have a pharmacy.

It's just a massive one stop you go there for a couple hours and you pack the fucking thing and then you go home Yeah, yeah, it's great man. It's great. You should check out Western beef. I mean, it's discount stuff But that's all that's over by me. Yeah, it's not work. Yeah, it's down. They moved first of all so it's a little father But that's a pain in the eyes too and And the aisles are a foot and a half wide. Yeah, well, yeah, that place is all about getting a deal. That's like the fucking Walmart of supermarkets. You know what I mean? Like it's like a Kmart supermarket,

everything's cheap and whatever. But dude, I hear you, man. Look, I'll tell you this. I don't know if I'll ever move even when I, if I have a family one day. I don't know if I'll ever move out of New York. I think I'm too like into it, but my plan now is when I have, when I can afford to take a car service

that cost 40 bucks each way whenever the fuck I want. And I don't have to think twice about it. I'm talking every day, twice a day, back and forth if I have to. And I don't even have to give a shit. I'll move deeper into Brooklyn and get, and Harris just moved out there

where her husband and her baby, dude, their house is, or their apartment is fucking amazing. They got a huge backyard, they got a patio. But is it theirs? I don't know if they bought it. They got a patio. But is it theirs? I Don't I don't know if they bought it or not, but I would Is it theirs and they have to share it? With who it's an apartment, right? Yeah, but apartment buildings in Brooklyn are a little different, dude. There's like five apartments in a building It's not like New York. Yeah, but who gets who gets the backyard? No, no, it's their backyard

But there's five other people in the building. Yeah, but the yard comes out of their back door. Okay, so people are above you looking down into your yard. I guess they could be. I just, I can't, you know what, dude? Dead. You know what, dead? I'll tell you, when you go out and you,

Brooklyn's crazy now too, to buy, it's going nuts. Real estate in Brooklyn is fucking stupid. It's like Manhattan now. I'm paying more in Brooklyn than I ever paid Manhattan. It's fucking nuts. Yeah. So, to go the other way, uptown, and get a backyard, and a little quiet, 30 minutes out, and not have some cock sucker looking down,

throwing cigarette butts on my fucking head, well I'm trying to make a stake with my kid. Right. I don't know if I, I, I, I, I'll take that, but I do, I'm gonna miss the energy, the, the savagery of New York, that when you walk out and you might get murdered, when you have to take a train and someone might push you. You're, I'm always on my guard. Right.

I feel, I don't know, I feel like me because I'm always you know walking around like this, this is fucking New York man. Right. And I love that feeling, but I just, I just don't think I can handle it anymore, especially with this kid coming. And I need a, I need to not see a motherfucker. I want to drive, I want to drive way. Yeah. I want to crush dice along and I got that and now I want a fucking driveway. Yeah well get it then man. How hard is it to get a chick back to Brooklyn though? It hasn't been too hard you know I mean I live dude I'm right over the bridge like I'm two blocks over the Williamsburg Bridge. So, to get home, it's a fast cab ride.

And dude, saying I live in Williamsburg now is like saying, you live in Manhattan. Yeah, it's like, I get made fun of for living in Williamsburg by people, because they're like, it's like, oh, trendy, it's like, you can call it trendy, all you fucking want. There isn't one chain restaurant, store, or coffee house,

except for a Dwayne Reed in my fucking neighborhood for a 20 block radius. But everywhere I go, how dangerous is it? It's not. Just not. I mean, it's like any part of New York, you know, it's like you got to be alert, but it's not dangerous. How far is it subway? I'm like a nine minute walk from the L train and I'm like a nine minute walk from the JMZ.

Nine. About nine minutes. Why'd you say ten? Because nine sounds better. It's like when they price up $9.99. You're like, oh. It's not terribly far and it's a neighborhood you want to walk through. Right.

Because there's cool shit. And you know what, dude? I'll tell you, you know what, I'll tell you the best part is I just love going anywhere and walking in and going, I'm inside somebody's fucking dream right now. This place is here because somebody had a vision and they were like, I want to open a place like that and they did and that's why the fucking quality in here is so high and that's why everybody's so friendly.

Did I want to do a clothing store the other day? I just go, what is this stuff? I don't know what brand it is. And he's like, oh, it's the designer owns the store. This is all his stuff. He's like some unknown guy. And he's just like, yeah, I open the store to sell my clothing.

Right. You know, and it's nice shit. Like it's just stuff like that, man. I like that. I like it. How old are you now? 35. 35.

Yeah. Which is, you know. It's a great, dude. It's not, I'll tell you what it is It's fucking awesome. It's the best. I remember 35 dude 35 and here's a deal man if I could be 35 in single if I was 35 single and on my place Holy shit fuck It's I never leave

Yeah, I never leave. It is tough. You don't want to go do anything anymore. It's gonna be hard to let it go. It's gonna be hard to let that place go. It's right there, two blocks from Times Square. It's fucking five minutes away from every train in the city. My shower is the shower I've always wanted. Yeah, that bathroom's retired.

The kitchen is insane now. Brand new fucking kitchen. Everything is perfect now. And now it's just doing the things that sucks about it's cluttered with baby shit. There's just baby shit everywhere. So I have to get the fuck out. And I need a house man.

I need to be able to I need to pull that driveway at night after spots and not want to murder fucking five dudes in a car because they just stole the spot in front of me Yeah, dude, it's look. It's it's just getting older man. It's what you got to do. Yeah, it's what you got to do We all grow. Yeah, it's funny. I just don't want to be that guy Joe. I don't want to be the guy What guy? You know the guy that shows up? Oh, man Well, you know, will you will you because you're still in the city? I tell him the new young kid Yeah, that's Bob Kelly man. That's yeah, he's the fucking murder. He was a fucking murder

I do it. He's to come. Yeah, what's he doing really but I think I heard of him. I don't want to be that guy Dude the fact that you're afraid of me coming that guy means you won't become that guy the guy that becomes that guys the guy that doesn't see it coming Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I guess but I've see I've said that like who's that? Oh, that's oh man. He used to fucking he was the motherfucker Well, you know, it's like dude you know what, all that shit, man? It's, comedy is no different from music in the sense that, look, we have our one hit wonders too, you know? And it's like, you could pull up a fucking band

from the 80s and go, these guys, man, nobody was fucking bigger than Flocka Seagulls, man. You know, they were the guys that everybody wanted to be. And then it's like three years later, who gave a fuck, and I'm trying to shit all the guys, but you know, it's the same thing with comedy, you know? And it's like, and then you see them on stage with their feathered hair still and the, you know,

like guys, what are you doing? So the fact that you're aware of that, it's like you'll keep putting your work in. And either that or you'll have a moment where you go, fuck it, I don't care anymore. I don't care if I'm that guy. I'm just, this is how I'm doing it. And at that point, it wouldn't bother you anyway.

But as long as you don't want to be that guy, you won't be that guy. Well, here's the thing. I believe truly that falling in love with my wife and having this marriage or this relationship. And now this kid, it's made me a better comic. It's made me a more honest guy, I believe. Of course.

On the percentage wise, most of the time. Like I was talking to you last night, like last night, I had to follow Mitch Mulaney. John Mulaney. John Mulaney, Mitch is dead, right? Mitch McBurley. Oh yeah, there was a guy. No, there was a guy named Mitch Mulaney that died is dead right Mitch McBurland Yeah, there was a guy named Mitch Melaney that died too right? Mitch Melaney he was a teacher. Yeah.

Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, remember you had the show? I don't remember the show. There we go. And this is what I'm fucking talking about. Stop. You had a show, Joe. He had a show, Joe.

Did it at this point? That's like saying he bought a car. Yeah, who didn't we did it died on the vine we test drove it we didn't let us take it out a lot we we we repainted it five different colors because people told us to we took off the Toyota logo and put a Honda one on. Oh god, you know this car needs to need some flames on the side. Go put some flames on the side.

Okay, okay, Billy, you okay with flames? Billy, Billy respond. Billy, email, tweet. Yeah, cool, whatever, dude. Go, you cool. I don't know about flames. Well, we gotta put flames. Dude, don't yell at me.

Fuck you. Billy, what can guys we got a chill You know he was the flame Honda we put the flames on it. We don't want any fucking flames on this car Flames are good flames are good. Why would you be flames? Fuck it Wait, where are you? but uh... were you were you were you say it's a mitch mille in john milleini went up quite frankly is what of one of the funniest guys around he's he's a fucking solid dude

he's fucking hilarious god damn it and you know he's in he's a very soft spoken dude very nice guy never had a bad but the problem with the guy was just a sweet guy really nice guy un-unlikable you know what nice guy, un-unlikable. You know what I'm saying? You say what?

Un-unlikable. Oh, it's impossible to not like him. That too. Yeah, I agree, I agree. That's what you were saying though, right? Yeah, un-unlikable. I didn't hear the first one, and I was like, he's saying nice stuff

than he said un-unlikable. I got you. He's just a great guy, but he goes up last night and he fucking mad his kid. Yeah. And I didn't even think twice about it, and I went up after him, and I tried to just, you know, I tried, I was just,

I had no idea what I just went up, you know, like it's a, I went up like a fucking, and I was like, hey, what's up? And I just looked at a dude's face, like, look at your face. And I just, they were like, what? They just saw a craftsman, a guy who sat down at a desk and wrote incredibly awesome jokes, set

up punch tag and just orchestrated them together like a, just, just like a fucking a savant musician, just put this all together and and and then practice it and pray and then presented it on a Tuesday night to a Small audience and they went oh my god and then I came up after what's that fucking Looking your face and then I tried to go into my shit and it was just so crude and And it was just so crude and I say fuck too much when I get you know fucking five turn I just turn into Boston Bob right fucking fucking cock fucking right I didn't bomb because I don't think it's I have an eme to bomb anymore right because I have too many I have too much knowledge and too many skills I have too many weapons to die right right you know name You know what I mean? But I can take a beaten. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

I know what you mean. Oh my God, did I take a high? It was just a fucking wow. That's tough, man. That's tough. There's nothing worse than a when a wing it set goes wrong. And you're just like, who the fuck do I think I am? I didn't even try to think of what I was gonna say.

Here's the thing is if you try, you got up before you, I go up there, at least you know what, fuck it. I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna give a fuck. And then it goes, I don't care. Psychologically, you can't beat me. Yeah, that's what I did tonight. That's what I did tonight is,

before I came down here, I went, what am I doing tonight? Why am I going on stage? Why am I going to the cellar right now? Right, right. Am I going to have fun? Am I going to work cellar right now? Am I going to have fun? Am I going to work on something? Because if not, I shouldn't be going down there.

Yeah, dude, I 110% agree with that. I think particularly the last year, when I got to, because I knew I was gonna be working on a new album and stuff, so I knew when I got that hour together of what I wanted it to be, at least initially, I wasn't doing as many spots. I'm like, I'm not doing this.

I'm not gonna run these jokes into the ground, and then fuck it up by trying to figure out how to take 10 minutes slivers out of the hour. I'll go do spots on the weekends when I'm in town to make some cash, but I can't, I can't, and then I start doing this thing where I was like, that's the hour over there, and I'm just gonna, when I do sets,

I'm gonna do these jokes, you know, like that aren't it because whatever. And you have to do that, man. Running around and doing nine sets in a, which you can't even fucking do anymore, it doesn't seem like. I guess there was a time where guys did 12 sets a night. I haven't seen me do that in years.

But I mean, I don't know, maybe some guys can, but like running around and doing that to me anymore is just like, it's just, it's just a, it's like you're proving something. It's like, we could beat the jokes and the goddamn ground they work. Okay, you know what I tried to do? Yeah, it is weird because what happened to me,

I've been working the seller since I'm waiting to have this baby, I'm home now until this baby comes out. So I'm working the weekends and I'm working the comedy seller and the new comedy seller. Right. Which is kind of fucking nostalgic for me to go from place to place. Right. And it's the same place. It reminds me of the old Nick's comedy stop in Boston.

Right. They had upstairs and downstairs. Oh, that's cool. And you'd go up and down. Up and down, 500 people, 500 downstairs. Oh, that's cool. And you'd go up and down Up and down 500 people 500 people. Oh, that's really cool And now on weekends you go over do a set at the Comedy seller Run around the corner to the village underground and it's a replica of the Comedy seller except it's bigger and better right and You go up there and do a little longer set. Sometimes it's 20. And it's more money.

That's great. And then you run back to the seller. That's great. But what I was doing was exactly that. I was literally taking out my hour, which I just signed to do. Yeah, congrats on that by the way. Thank you. I can't wait.

I can't wait to get it. You know what I can't wait to get it out. And I'm trying, I'm gonna make it as fucking slamming as I possibly can. The biggest compliment you give me after a show, I didn't stop laughing once. Right. Because I know there's guys that do shows and there's lulls. Right. There's fucking lulls.

Which I, I don't think it's bad. I don't think it's good, but I like when you have that hour and you can step on the gas. Right. And fucking go. And it's like holy shit, that's, so I'm excited to get this out. But I started taking that hour and making it into a 20 minute set.

And I'm like, and it's killing is 20. And I'm losing the connections, the pieces that went in between that to make the building blocks of the hour. And you're right, it is dangerous, but I, you know, I, so this is what I started to do. I started to take, I'm gonna do the first 15, and that's it.

That's smart. The second 15, and that's it. That's smart. The second 15 and that's it. That's smart. The third 15, I'm cutting it up into 15 minute chunks and that's it. That's smart. So, and then I'll just be polishing those chunks. And then the bonus of that is too,

for example, you do the third 15, and maybe you struggle a little bit and you go, this doesn't pop like the first 15 and then you make it pop like that. Now you got an hour of every joke as an opener you know what I mean it's just like bang bang yeah exactly and every every quarter of that hour is something that could be a closer you know what I mean you really tend Paul at that point I had to I had to it was so weird to go through names for

you special what are you gonna call it I don't know if I want to reveal it yet. Alright, fair enough. I can give you the list of the names and you can pick which one you think it's gonna be. Sure. You ready? Yeah. What the fuck is that thing, your phone's in? It's a, it's one of the best iPhone cases ever.

Here we go. Because it has this sticky rubber mat that you can peel your phone off and put it back on, no problem. And it has nothing on your phone. It leaves no residue on your phone. And it's your wallet, it's my wallet, and it's my phone case. So especially when I travel, it protects the fucking thing, but then it keeps on my shit. I like that, and it can flip around so you can talk on it. I love it.

It's fucking great. I just bought a new thing called the Crabby Wallet off a Kickstarter that's coming in a couple of days, which is an elastic, all the material is elastic made. So you can put up to 10 cards in this thing. And it has a rubber band cloth elastic to put your phone in. So you attach your wallet to your phone, it doesn't fuck up your cards because it's in the wallet and it has two different slots, you

know, for the card you use most and then the other cards. And it has a little thing on it. You can hook it up, you can hook it up on one of the, what are those things called the the fucking. No idea. I stuck. I literally have no idea. I was talking to you. I was talking to you. I literally had no idea. But just, I just want to point out once again, as I've pointed out many times in the show, do you see how you use technology, like you treat it like a whore?

You, as you're describing that case, as the best case ever, you're telling me about the case, you're going to replace it with, that's better. I know. Have some fucking respect for these designers. Dude, I'm tech talk, Bobby, brother. And you know what's so funny?

Huh. Is that you're in front of my, stay right, move over to the left a little bit. Right? No, the other way, other way. No, no, just go right back to the middle. Right back, right there, stop. Go over a little more to the right. The other way, other way.

Right there, stop. You're literally in front of the new tech talk, Banner. And your head is right where my head is. So you look, it looks like you. I'm going to be starting that tech talk thing, but we're going to actually kick it off tonight. Yes. Tech talk. Yes. With we're going to get into that in a couple minutes. We're going to get into your phone. Yeah. And we're gonna get into my headphones. Okay. And I don't know if I'm,

I guess I'm gonna do video a little bit, but it's just gonna be audio for the first one. Okay. About these headphones. So the video portion's gonna come, I might record it, we'll see what happens, but I don't wanna get, I don't wanna get too crazy with it. I want it to be, I want it to flow.

So. All right, so here's the names that I'm going through, ready? You tell me, you tell me what you get, I don't want to get too crazy with it. I want it to be, I want it to just flow. So, all right. All right, so here's the names that I'm going through, ready? You tell me, you tell me what you're doing. I'm funny too. Uh huh. I lost my wallet. Uh huh.

Hair lips and kisses. Right. Am I right ladies? That's funny. 59% gay. I was kind of molested. I wish I was a Jew. I used to like pussy.

I don't care. Almost dead. It's not my fault. Feel the pain. Now I'm the father. Okay. Come on my foot. Trying to be better. Okay. The evolution of a piece of shit okay no B plan okay dead toenails and candy bars okay cry like a man, okay, there you go Okay, I have a track on my new album called vices do you just saying that? That's out that's out. I think you're good look at there's a million possibilities

Which one pop out all of you have a gun to your head Joe you're gonna call it. I don't care. That's the title. That's not it That's not the one I'm a little it's either title of 59% gay. It's one of those two the fuck. That's not it. That's not the one I'm gonna make it. It's either title of 59% gay. It's one of those two. What the fuck? That was a joke. Huh? That was a joke, Joe. What was a joke? 59% gay. Oh, I was like, that sounds like something Bobby would call his special. No. Jesus Christ. I'm a father of a son. I don't know. It just sounded like a funny thing. You call. I don't care. He didn't like dead toenails and candy bars? That was my least favorite. Is that your favorite?

No. Good. I like that one. I didn't like the hair lips one. I thought for a second maybe. I don't care. Why would you not call it that? It's a good one.

It's one of the top three. You say that all the time. I don't give a shit. I don't care, yeah. And it's a great title. It's one of the top three. You say that all the time. I don't give a shit. I don't care, yeah. And it's a great title, it's a stick in your head. It embodies you. Yeah, it might be. It might be, it's one of the tops, so we'll see.

But anyways, it's fun doing, that's fun, naming stuff. It's hard. It's fun, but it is hard. You know what's I find hard in this business is having to write this, you know, come up with the bios or the tag lines or the about yourself. Right. I just recently, for just for laughs,

you know, they're like, we need this. And it's like, I don't know. Are you going this year? I'm going, dude. Me too. I'm so excited. Yeah. Oh, are you coming up?

Yeah, I'm going. What, are you coming for the two weeks? I'm going, I'm not doing an ASTI show. I'm doing, I'm there the. Yeah. Oh you coming up. Yeah, I'm going hot what you coming for the two weeks I'm going I'm not doing an aasty show. I'm doing I'm there the whole second week Monday through Saturday I'm doing they I'm doing I'm doing this up there. Do you know what do they ask me to do it? That's great to me calling you want to do it? Yeah, so me you and Colin and whoever else I can get I'll get somebody one other person I mean I'll do it. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's great., you know what that would be fine. I didn't say that in French Blé blé blé Dude did Yeah, I was fucking I was in Edmonton and I started making fun of Montreal and they start groaning I go fuck you

That fucking city tries actually. ugh, we're so classy. We're so classy. I go, oh, this is a classy city. I couldn't see the classroom of the wall of toothless fucking hookers on every street. Is it classy? Oh, there's another flashing sign that says, dildos, go fuck yourself.

I go, that place is so European, it's ridiculous. It is. They try to act classy and it's a fucking scum everywhere. Just fucking kills me. I love Montreal. I love it. Fucking love one of my favorite top three cities. Yeah, it's a great town.

Just don't try to fucking sell me. Yeah, yeah, that's a big class. Yeah, it's definitely not Victoria. What is Victoria? It's a town outside of, it's a really nice Canadian town. All right. Canadians would have laughed at that joke. They would be like, oh, he's right.

It's, I love just for laughs, dude. I'm fucking excited. It'll be fun. I'm really, I'm doing the nasty show with Big J. That's fun. A Brad Williams, the little guy. Little dudes. Yeah, yeah.

And some girl, I don't know who she is, know who she is. Some long girl nasty show so fucking bad I'm fucking excited. I love doing that, but yeah, it'll be it'll it's gonna be fun up there I just did another festival that was I'm doing an hour show up there too for the first time. That's great I'm doing two shows my own show And the name of my special will be the name of that show great So when you see that that you know I picked a name great dude, so Make sure you spread the fucking word for that, you know, I'm sure it's that a little joint, but whatever that's great Yeah, I'm gonna run the special up there great. I'm fucking nervous about a show. Why I don't know

You know dude. You're gonna crush dude. You've never not killed up there. I have not killed I've never done well in a gala well you know what it is true that it is a tough town sometimes I don't know what the fuck is off it's a tough town the nasty shows great yeah but those gala's I'm telling you and I'm gonna gala thing and I'm like nervous yeah because the lights are on and and and it's it's it's a TV show It's a fucking TV show and the people there are loaded. They have money. They're high-end people. I'm not a high-end guy I'm a 500 cedar

I'm I'm already like getting trying to get into like quick joke form. Yeah, you Boom boom, but yeah, yeah, dude. It's it's definitely a joke writers form. Yeah, you, bum bum, but yeah, yeah, dude, it's definitely a joke writers forum, where it's, I mean, jokes. It's that four minute, you know, television spot shit. Set up punch tag, set up punch tag. They fucking, the only other person I've seen do well, who's not set up punch tag is Bob Marley.

Two years ago, he walked in from another show and didn't give a fuck. And went out there, you're gonna die, my pocket will be eaten, fucking the place lost its mind. That's, he's a destroyer that guy. Destroyer of fucking human beings.

I feel like he's gonna be another Brian Regan, like. He is now. Oh, he's getting that big. Oh, he has a, he has a win of bago. And he's having his friends and his family drive to gigs. He lives in Maine. He sells out. He makes millions.

You don't want somebody makes his own furniture as a side gig. Right. Ah, dude, I made a fucking table. A fuck. And my own table. Last fuck? Yeah, he's fucking fucking my back guy and make tables.

The year of fucking millionaire. I don't have time to make tables. Yeah, exactly. I'm doing a podcast and fucking writing and trying to do shows and auditioning. I'm trying to make some money. Yeah, it's up to two a.m. To make $25 last night.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I know dude, I'm keeping my spot money during the week. I gotta kid come in. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Foddy. But yeah, I can't, I'm so excited. It's gonna be great, because Colin's gonna be up there doing his one-man show. Great. You're all gonna be up there. I'm gonna but yeah, I can't, I'm so excited. It's gonna be great, because Colin's gonna be up there

doing his one-man show. Great. You're all gonna be up there. I'm gonna be up there. I'm doing the second week too. So I'm gonna do, I think I'm doing some gala. But Robbie's fucking, the people who book it are smart, because they put me on a relationship show

is a little easier for me to handle. With my fucking creepy shit. Good, good. On those gala's, but I I still I've never killed it on a gala. I just saw Robbie at Moon Tower at the Moon Tower festival in Austin. He loves breaking my balls. We go back.

I like that we have that relationship where that's we go right into it. I love Robbie. I saw him and we were fucking around with each other and then I was like, all right dude, we're going to go to this bar and grab a beer, come with us and he's like, all right, some walking over, I'm talking to a bunch of agents in the quarter and, you know, that comics and shit, it was just a big group of people. But he walks over and he goes, he goes,

hey, dude, so, and I go, dude, stay the fuck away from me this way. I don't wanna fucking see you, right? And dude, he does the turn and just starts walking out and I go, Robby, come on, I'm fucking around. And he wouldn't stop, dude. He walked out of the place. And I saw him later and I go, you committed to that shit and he goes, dude,

he goes, you didn't see me. I had my friend with me and I'm like, under my breath going, dude, get over here. Come on, so you couldn't see me grab him and break that fucking walk. That's great. I was like, you're the going, dude, get over here. Come on, so you couldn't see me grab him and break that fucking walk. That's great. I was like, you're the greatest dude. I love that you're just a fucking asshole like that.

I love him, I love Suzanne. I love all them. Bruce is great too. Bruce, I love Bruce Will. It's a great, you know what it is? Singer and I'm just a Jeff Will. Jeff Singer. Yeah, Singer.

They're all great. I like all those guys. I like all those guys. I like all those guys. Which, real quick, I know you want to talk to the phone, but Moon Tower Fest in Austin, it's a brand new festival. I know I did South by South last year. But everybody, as soon as I did South by South,

everything I could do, you know, I do Moon Fest. Like Moon Fest, they pay you. It's actually great. Try it out. They put you up. Every single show, except for the Paramount theater shows which is the thousandseater is in a small like music venue that you can walk to from the hotel. Dude it was a fucking four day party.

And it was comics and fans and that was it. I think I but I here's a deal I think I'm on a black list. No, you're not. You just can't, if you do, if you do one, you're not supposed to do the other, meaning like in the same year, I think. I've done South by Southwest, I still didn't moon tower. I just didn't do one in the same year.

I've done South by Southwest twice. I don't know. Yeah, I heard it was fucking great. Do this thing if you can do it, dude. It was a blast. Dom Arrera, P-looms, Tom, size modes.

Did I swear I'm most in size more too? Tom Rhodes. I'm in a blast out there. I was, I'm fucking stuttering, but yeah, we did my, it was, I did it with the syndicate and laugh button. And, you know, I wish the syndicate I know they're embedded with the South by South guys which they're great to.

Yeah, great guys, but it was definitely I heard nothing about great shit about that festival. It was just great to be at a no-pressure festival where it's like, because like I love Montreal, but there is a certain pressure in Montreal. It's like there's a lot of fucking people here so don't, um, this, this pressure, you know, oh this fucking pressure This was like not that you could vomit this thing. I'm that's not what I mean I just meant like it just felt like you were a camp for comedy Dude, they had a party every night and if you were a fan that had a badge or a comic you could go to this party and every fan that came in Was fucking amazing. It was awesome, man.

That sounds interesting. It was fucking awesome. I'd love to hang out with fans. It was great. Nobody got weird, nobody, it was fucking great. God free was there. As soon as I walked in, I saw God. I'm out.

I'm out. No, I'm kidding. No. All right. Well, all right, so we're gonna talk about this phone. We're on 50 minutes in. All right. We're gonna start talking about these technical fucking,

technical, devices. Right. This is a tech talk with Bobby and Joe. Remember that? I do remember, you still it up. I know I Did I did it too high on this I know is to do that. I know why you can't do that But it's let's try it again. Tag talk. Wait. I'm supposed to take a good good good

Tag talk Bobby and Joe you went higher now. I know I do it to aggravate you it really does it bugs you annoy me How wrong it is. Well, here's the thing, I'm gonna start doing tech talk for real. Yeah, it's cool. Real Zs. That's cool. Where I'm gonna do a very, this is the way it is though.

I'm not doing these long unboxings. I'm not going on and on about the product. It's not gonna be a five minute thing. Right. It's gonna be very, very fast. Very quick. They're gonna go at the end of my videos for the upcoming show that week on the, you know what dude, you know, YouTube page.

And it's just to let you guys know of technology that I think is fun, interesting. You should have cheap, quirky, whatever. Shit that I like, companies that I like or things that I think are amazing, I'm gonna talk about very quickly, this one's not gonna be quick, we're gonna go on about this phone

when it's a big thing like that, but that's the way it's gonna be, it's gonna be very quick. The new tech talk is coming very shortly, a lot of companies sent me shit and I haven't done the show yet, but I wanna do it right right and I had to figure out How to do it. I didn't want to and it will be out there. So

Go to tech talk Bobby at tech talk Bob Bobby on Twitter And follow me if you're into the tech and you're into nerd shit and you like that stuff Make sure you find me follow me and support that part of the show. So Joe, we're gonna stop the show real quick, take a break, I'm gonna do a little plugs that I usually do, and we'll be back. Okay. All right, well, before we go,

we're gonna talk about diets. Ha ha ha. Yeah, this is the diet I'm on and it's working. Okay. And it's the only diet I've ever done'm on and it's working. Okay. And it's the only diet I've ever done that worked, that has worked. Yeah. Vegan breakfast, meaning,

you know, vegan, no dairy, no nothing. So a breakfast I eat, heart to heart, apples and cinnamon oatmeal, with hot, I put hot water in it instead of milk. You can't tell the fucking difference. A banana black coffee. That's it, that's breakfast. Lunch, vegetarian lunch, whole grain bread, some kind of cheese, bunch of veggies,

sliced cucumber, shit like that, no mayo, nothing like that, no meat. Okay. Just vegetarian lunch, but also vegetarian, not meaning like pizza, not shit like that, but like a really healthy sandwich with vegetable. Yeah, I saved salad for dinner because then I do protein dinner and I usually do white meat chicken or fish at dinner,

red meat like once a week with a bunch of fucking salad. And the salad is like, I don't fuck around. It's like a rougula or whatever lettuce you like and a vinegar dressing. And that's it, dude dude and if I want to snack in between any of that shit which I kind of don't anymore but if I get a little hungry you know carrot sticks low-fat string cheese like I said a couple radishes because they fill you up almonds some olives you know shit like That's it dude, keep it fucking moving. Here's a problem with that with me. I have a pregnant woman at home that I have to

feed like an exotic animal three times four times a day. Right. I have to make sure this bitch and she eats, it's almost eerie how my wife eats now. Like she'll sit there on the edge of the couch, there's the stomach over in some type of panties in a shirt that doesn't fit anymore, and just eats quietly, like a gorilla. What does she eat? Whatever the fuck I put in front of her. So like tonight I cooked steak,

sauteed mushrooms and onions, salad, going on the cob. Right. And you put that food in front of her and you don't hear her for fucking 30 minutes. Right. You know? So it's hard for me to, I could never do vegan, she'd never do it, she's stubborn, broad.

But I mean, it sounds good, but here's the thing, this is why I like that diet, you ready? Yeah. It has to do with sacrifice. I believe that if you cannot, that's why I didn't have sugar or carbs for three months, I sacrificed it, like quitting smoking. It was the hardest, it sucked. It fucking sucked.

Right. And the one thing that I got out of it is I don't have sugar anymore. Right. I don't have sugar in my coffee, sweeteners. I'll have the occasional dark chocolate thing. I'll have maybe a popsicle. But every once in a while, now if I wanted to,

I can have a dessert or a bite of a dessert. And I don't want the whole thing, okay? But also with carbs, no more breads. I don't fuck with bread. I don't do sandwiches. Well, I'll tell you this this is The thing I like about this diet is that it lets you You do have some carbs, right? But it's real light carbs because all your carbs stop after lunch and when you are having carbs up until lunch time

You're having healthy. It's not like white flour shit or white rice, it's cold brain shit. No carbs after lunch. And it also this dude, with doing the milkless, the dairy-free breakfast, you're cutting out, all of a sudden you realize you're cutting out way, most of your dairy, you barely have any dairy intake,

except maybe some cheese in the, during the day or whatever. So it gives the illusion that you're not out way, most of your dairy. You barely have any dairy intake, except maybe some cheese in the, during the day, whatever. So it gives the illusion that you're not having these things. You kind of get them a little bit. You just have them at the right times. And I look forward to eating the shit. Like, dude, a sandwich with like gray poupon mustard, like New York age sharp cheddar cheese on it.

And then like sprouts, fucking sweet apples and cucumber, like that's a delicious fucking sandwich. Why don't we have a food show on travel channel? I mean seriously, if there's ever a foodie, there's two fucking foodies, it's me and you. I mean really, you talk about food, about the mustard and the bread and the cheese,

I'm like, I get it. Remember we used to go and the the the cheat I'm like I get it remember we used to go to the the the Amish right and just we food I love fucking food man I love it if it's I think my next thing right if if it all comes down I'm right I'm gonna go film a my own my own food show dude didn't you do it I did we did we did we have one going right now a travel channel We just don't know if it's gonna get picked up. Is it was it awesome to do though? It's it's a competitive eating show. It's not really competitive to be honest. It's not like Adam Yeah, I got you richmans. Yeah, well, he's got to go eat, you know a fucking eight pound burger right in

One sitting with a you know 20 pounds of fries and coleslaw, it's more, we just go place to place. And we keep going until someone's like, dude, I can't go to any more places. Okay. Well, it's just, I think, a smarter way to do it. Right. You see more of the city, you see more, you get more information about these places, you go to more than one or two places, we went to seven places on the pilot episode.

And you wind up, you know, I mean, look, but seven places for me, but it's not all, like one place was, you know, went to a food truck thing, and we got specialty popsicles. Right. I can throw that shit down all day. Right.

And we went to a pizza place and it was just a slice of pizza. Right. And you know, but you go to so many places, but the time you get to the slice of pizza, you like, dude, I'm fucking done. I just ate a pork chop from the best place in Miami with, you know, risotto. Right.

And I'm an pizza and it's a slam and piece of pizza, but it's the size of your fucking chest. Right. So you're like, oh, fuck me. But I'll be gets picked up. I'd love to travel the country, just checking out food places. I love them.

I love chefs. They're close to comics. Right. I think chefs are closer to comics than actors are. They are, because chefs are real aggressive alpha types in their ball breakers. Yeah. And they like the party. And they're fucked in the head. Yeah, they're fucked in there Something wrong with you if you're like I'll stand I want to stand in a hot kitchen for 15 hours a day

Yeah, and like it. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's weird like they really get off on it They call each other hacks. Yeah, they go after like celebrity chefs like fuck this fucking got you know Yeah, you're right hilarious very close to comics close to the actors there's a place two blocks over here in the village I think it's on Thompson or Sullivan either one called Cuban dude you want some pork right you want some suckling pig you want a plate of suckling pig with yuka. What's yuka? Think of potato. Oh, I know what you mean.

I know what it means. Creamy. Yeah. Almost like fucking. I know, dude. You slap your gums. Listen, you're going to take a chick somewhere, go to Cuba.

It's over here in the West Village. Motherfucker. Is this place awesome. Go early, but you know what, there's no waiters. Everybody does everything. The owner, the chick that seats you, the guy, everybody does everything, it helps every table. So you know, I love that.

It's not just one asshole that you get a chance to get in a sucky, you know, some twat who has an audition, you know, had a bad audition today. Right. Yeah. There's an acting class at 11 that he has to make. Yeah. She wants to get out of there. So she's rushing your suckling pig. Right. Yeah. Well, listen, you know, I'm glad you're on a diet. You look good, dude. You look like you dropped a couple. Yeah, you too, man. So, for anybody out there actually listening, I got the Nutri-Bullet is a great way of vegan diet. If you can cut the breads, if you can cut eating late at night, I will I'm up late, no, who cares?

It's about sacrifice, whatever works for you, but you have to sacrifice. You have to starve yourself, not of food, not of food. You can eat a lot of food actually, but you have to starve yourself of that fucking feeling. You have to kill it. And it's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck, but you fat fuckers out there.

You fatties like me and Joe. We're fatties. Right, but you'll eventually retrain your brain where your brain goes, because your stomach doesn't know the fucking difference between a slice of pizza or fruits and nuts. So you'll retrain your brain where all of a sudden when you're hungry at 2 a.m.,

you'll be like, I want some dried apricots and almonds. And then that's it. Like I just had to stop looking at food as an event. Yeah, or reward. I had to stop throwing that. A reward or a punishment. Like last night when I was taking a hot one after the Malaney, dude, I over ate,

but I over ate on good food. Right. And I still felt like shit. I over ate on good food and I felt like shit. That's a good thing for me I went today to the movies I went and saw Star Trek Look it if you are if you're a fan of Iron Man Star Trek Avengers Don't go with your wife if she's not oh, yeah, you don't fucking take your wife

Yeah, you don't do that. You go your friend who's a nerd like you, you go to the 3D or the iMacs, you see it the way it was meant to be seen. Right. And see it with a bunch of people. Don't go in the afternoon with your wife with his someone fucking pervert

and a couple fucking mentally handicapped people. Right. And a homeless guy, you don't do it then because it's anti-climactic. It's like seeing, it's like seeing fucking the funniest guy in the world prior in front of, with three people in the audience. It's not gonna be the same.

Right. So it was, I, it was a great movie. I love it. I love, it's funny. It was awesome. It was, it had some twists in it. The Cumber Patch. Don't tell me anything.

I'm not gonna tell you shit. But listen, he's in it, he's the Sherlock, he's Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, yeah. For the BBC version, which is one of my favorite shows on television. I love that show. It's fucking, if you don't watch, what is it, Sherlock? It's gone.

It's on Netflix, the BBC one. I love it. I love the new one too, with the English guy. I never saw that one. I love I love the new one too with the English guy From hackers right to hit show and it's on It's on CBS it's a hit show it's unbelievable. It's one of my favorite shows But the the BBC ones awesome Comber patch I think his name is Comber patch. Mm-hmm fucking brilliant actor That's a great actor gotta be huge It's a dragon in the Hobbit movies. Yeah, no, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck that is either well the hobbit You know the hobbit Lord of the Rings. No, I know it, but I don't know the story

I forget it the stories is they got to get to this place to kill this dragon named smog that like sent the fucking He sent the dwarves like he banished them from their own kingdom. Right over so is he plays the dragon But I don't I saw the movie, but I forget it. Was he in it? No, you, do you see a brief glimpse of him at the very end, but he, you don't hear him or anything. So is he playing it like, they play Gollum? Yeah, he wore like the suit.

That has Matt's suit. And like the dragon talks and shit. So it's like he, and it's, you know, it's one of the greatest like monster villains ever. So it'll be really cool. That's fucking interesting. Yeah, he's a great actor. I love him. I want to see Star Trek, dude. I'm not excited.

The news of Star Wars has trumped everything for me. I'm just too excited about it. It took away my excitement for everything else, because I can't fucking wait. Dude, are you kidding me? I know why. I love Star Wars. Yeah, but it's not coming out for a long time. It just, I'm so excited about it. It's making me not excited about anything else.

Cause I'm just like, it's not gonna be Star Wars. Not gonna be Star Wars. Like, and JJ Abrams is directing it. It's gonna be fucking unbelievable. Yeah, this movie was great. I love Star Wars. I gotta see it. I would go and see it, but I go see it right.

Go see it with yourself in iMacs With a lot of people don't go see it in the afternoon with your wife because your wife will ruin it because she gets fidgety And then you know, and she's pregnant. She's the baby You know what I mean? It's just like fucking you start thinking about her and I'd say what I'll never I'll never Talk in a movie again, and when I say talk, I don't mean like black people. I'm talking about white people talk. White people talk in movies too. Right.

Yeah, you know what they do? Pssss. Oh my God, did you see that? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Oh, is he gonna be able, oh my God, if he does that then he's gonna,

oh wow, it's the same shit. It's annoying. It's as annoying as a fucking black dude on his phone talking to his chick It's annoying. He's whispering. Yeah, you know the guy behind me today white people talking out of movie is more annoying than a black dude Yeah, it's a black guy. You know you can't do anything about it So you just give up what white people do talking? I was in my buddy's house and his wife. It was like right at the beginning of some movie, we were watching. And I love her, but she goes, she goes, so wait a minute. So is it going to be that this guy turns out to this and I go, well, I don't know, but I'm sure we'll find out because that's how movies work. And she's like, all right, I'm just shut up. Sorry. It's like, what do you? yeah, I don't know.

The guy behind me today went, literally, at a pinnacle moment, I'm in them, oh my God, the music was orchestrated to get me, keep me in the moment, to get me to a certain place, and I'm there, JJ Abrams put this all together, and I'm right where he wanted me, and this guy goes, so he's gonna take that and go like, nah, that's probably what he's gonna do, right?

And I went, you motherfucker. Yeah, I know, that's the fucking word. And that's exactly what happened. I can't stand people to try to solve the movie the whole time. I purposely try not to think when I'm watching it, other than understanding the film. Yeah, I try not to think ahead. I just wanna figure out what the twist is gonna be. I just wanna enjoy it. I wanna figure out. I wanna forget that I'm out it other than understanding the film. Yeah, I try not to think ahead. I don't want to figure out what the twist is going to be.

I just want to enjoy it. I want to forget that I'm out of movie. Yeah, yeah. It's a fucking, that's why I love those new draft house movies. They will kick you the fuck out. And you can write on your little, you ever go to those? Yeah, the Alamo, where did you go to work?

I went to one, yeah. Do they have it in New York now? That's right, I'm asking. I don't know if they have it in New York. They probably do. I just don't know where it is, but I hope they get it in New York now? That's right, man. I don't know if they have it in New York They probably do I just don't know where it is But I hope they get them in New York. It's it's a it's a lot more expensive to go But you get a seat and you get a table in front of you like a bar a little thin bar

With pencils and paper and you you make an order you check list Yeah, I love it and a waiter comes and grabs it and then brings your food back and that's it Dude and then you pay and then you can write on it the guy behind me's talking or and they'll kick him out They will fucking throw you out you need to leave right yeah if you fucking talk Yeah, it's great. Which it eliminate. I love that because look I thought man today was so annoying I'll never I've done it before I'm I, I'm, I wanna admit right now, dude. I'm, I've done it at horror movies. Oh my God.

Wow. Fuck that. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not doing it. I'm not white guy talking at a movie. Well, come out to a, there's a, there's a theater in my neighborhood.

I think it's called the Nighthawk. And it's one of those theaters in Brooklyn. Right. Where you can get food and drinks and whatever. And they do cool shit where it's called the Nighthawk, and it's one of those theaters in Brooklyn, where you can get food and drinks and whatever, and they do cool shit where it's like Friday at midnight, they're gonna play, like, I'm not saying they're doing this, but they'll do shit like Friday at midnight, they're playing the shining.

Yeah, why not? Like really cool fucking shit like that, you know? I wanna move, I fucking love that. Why, oh, I mean really, the cup holders still the same, the arm of the chair doesn't go up, really? Really, I got the guy in the behind me still kicks me? Really? Really?

I'm fucking dealing with that. I will pay you the extra $15 to let me enjoy myself as an adult, healthy, mentally stable human being. Fucking, that just wants to go and enjoy fantasy. But, all right, so, it goes C-Star Trek. being. Right. Fucking that just wants to go and enjoy fantasy. But all right. So it goes sea star track. It was great. And I man three was good. And see you again. Don't go with your wife. All right. Fucking night. Yeah. She ruined that for me too. All right. Yeah. But going back to the diet when I went there

today, I brought a bag of nuts. Good. That's all I did. I slipped the bag of nuts in and I brought my water. I had no fucking coke, no bullshit. I brought nuts and you know what? Unsolved the nuts in a movie theater, better than popcorn would ever be. Cause you're full. Halfway through the bag.

And it's way better for you than a big thing of popcorn or the pretzels with the cheese or the nachos or whatever the fuck it is. The awful food I've smuggled in the movie theaters to just be a fucking lard ass sitting there. Italian hoagies, cheese fries, fucking McDonald's in like my bag, like three 20 piece nuggets in,

and like set the sauces up. Patrice got Chinese food in. Brut, brut, fucking broccoli, chicken and broccoli, and fried rice into a movie theater. People got mad because they were like, where is, who has that? It smelled so good in this movie theater. I remember all it was me, Dane Burr and Patrice,

and he, his fucking chair snapped. I remember it was me dain burr in Patrice and he his fucking chair snapped I met it was so fear just a bag a big brown paper bag of Chinese food and he leaned back and it went snap Into the dude seat and behind him And he just was he rolled his eyes back was looking at this poor dude He's like sorry about that man, and he just got up and fucking moved over one All right, so we're going to the tech talk right now. We're gonna do some ads. Right now, I'm just gonna do them.

Fuck it. I'm not going into it. Listen, you guys are fans of the show. Number one, I wanna thank every single one of you fans that went to my baby registry on Amazon, looked me up, found me, and bought me, Joe, I can't tell you how many of these people bought me great gifts. That's nice tell you how many of these people bought me great gifts. That's nice.

Um, for the kid. That's really nice. For Max. That's his name. That's what you get. I'm telling you the kid's name. I guess I should have done that. I didn't even know there was a baby registry.

Really? Yeah, I didn't fuck it down. Well, usually when people have babies, they have baby registry. Why don't you know, I didn't get invited to like a shower or something. You don't, Joe, that's for the, that's my wife's friends. Well, let all your female fans bought you things then. It wasn't female, it was a lot of people from Hawaii.

I'm gonna buy you something when he's bored. That don't worry about it. Well, I am going to. All right. We already had that plan in my head. All right, well, it's all right, don't worry. I'm not, look, I don't, I get my friends. Norton, I mean, no, you don't, I get,

I would do that. You buy something when the baby comes out. What's I'm saying? If you want to, I don't no, you know, I get I would do that you buy someone the baby comes out What's up, say if you want to I don't care. We got the essentials. We got no No, I'm one either went crazy and fucking they bought so much great shit for us my parents Everybody so all the essentials are there. We need diapers. That's what we get me some fucking diapers off the baby You go on Amazon, but anyways, I love that you guys are fucking amazing. Thank you so much for doing that Any and you guys who donate to the show too there Donations have been picking up and I just want you to know that all those donations go back into the show

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