Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Dave a.k.a. Fredo

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

This week on YKWD; Robert Kelly brings on Guests Dave Smith, Mike Feeney and new Dad Aaron Berg! Liz from the cellar stops in for a hello to talk about the Chip Live Show the night before! We talk about Dave's new album 'Libertas' out now! And new dad Arron tells us all about the struggles and happiness of bringing a baby girl into the world! Bobby dives into Lauren and Dave a little, and we have an all around hilarious episode! Watch/Listen/Share/Enjoy Dudes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network Riotcast.com Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a claustrophic. It's podcast, no rules. What are the mic-ass holes? I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a mic-o? Oh, fuck the fuck.

That was trying to keep it like a comic-head. I have a bunch of eyes guys on just us sitting down And sometimes it's hilarious sometimes it's having no topics no directions. I love doing it Side to the coin On a day you think my podcast is popular enough where I might affect somebody's life. You never know. It's Robert Kelly Welcome to you know what to podcast live nine o'clock show late night, different crew than the afternoon crew. Uh, we got a great lineup for you tonight. Check it out though, fuckers. I'm gonna get you right up front while you listen to it. Oh, zippercrooter.com. Oh, zippercrooter.com.

Are you hiring? Are you? That's a question mark. Do you know where to close your jobs? Do you find the best candidates? This is, do you know, Gis, you're high. Gis?

Gis? Hey, she's in her best since college. I just accidentally called her what we call her behind her back. Really? On your back. What pal? That's my new. He comes back. You need quick zings called zipper cruder. Let me tell you some, you hire. It's hard to find a fight. It is very difficult. I'm telling you so difficult you look at of course it took me a long time to find me fucking Lauren I had to go to Kelly

The fucking man Are you gonna stand? It stands I was gonna be like security vibe about him or you might be one of us. Yeah, the low hat and the yeah Zippercrew to found these people that's how I found Lauren on zipper. I was there With my resume Now you really, you really. With my resume. It really is, it's hard to find. It is, it sucks.

I'm trying to find people right now, it's horrible. It's terrible. Go to Zip Recruiter right now. With Zip Recruiter, you can post your job to 100 plus sites and just, and just one click. Do I get a discount? I'm gonna, I'm gonna get there, but not now, it's a tease.

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finding you, it finds them. In fact, 80% of the employees who post on job, a job on Zippercuda get qualified candidates through the site within Uno Day. You know how much it sucks when they're on qualified? You remember the Fistuka days? There's no juggling. Emails or calls to your office,

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and find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results. And right now to my listeners, which is you, because you're listening and a friend, and a confidant, and with business partners. We talked about that yet. No, we haven't, we probably don't know this. It's kind of big news, comment.

Ready? Nothing. Let's on a big news comment. Right now. Nothing. Let's say, big news comment. I heard a rib. And right now to my listeners, can post jobs on Zip Recruiter for free Liz. For free. Free. That's right.

I'm going to do that. Hang on, say free again. Free Liz. Free Liz. Free? That's right. Holy shit. Let me finish my line. I don't have a script.

Free Liz. Free. That's right. Free. Free. I just go to Zippercuda right now slash what dude? That's Zippercuda right now. Zippercuda dot com slash what dude?

One more time Zippercuda dot com slash what dude to get you a free free free free that's right free. All right. Lauren text me that so I have. Okay. I'm totally gonna do it. I should. I'm pretty seriously will because it's free. Yeah. They go by My profile is still up. It's press froze. Talio, JobScore, TalentSprings, all these people go to this place. So it is really great. It's great. It's technology. I love technology. All right, we're here. Let's introduce everybody. Lauren Lauren. I'm going to introduce you.

The producer of the show. I like to say producer. A producer. I would only need the fight. We're not a fucking morning zoo show. All right, too cute. Relax with your fucking happiness. I mean, Tom, I'm gonna get to me. I'm gonna say where I clapped. Okay, great. But later, I don't like your voice as a little deeper.

I know. Go ahead. What do you got? Who do we got on the show? To my right, we have comic devs. No, no, no, back to the fuck up. I've never introduced a show to you, all right. It's clockwise, not counter-processed. You know, you showed favoritism to the guests. No, I'm not. All right, we have back again, too cute. No.

Oh, wow. Sorry, no, wait, all right. Lisey, what the fuck? Hey, why am I here? What is going on? I am, first of all Liz. Liz, I'm sorry. Hey, I'm thrown up.

Shish. I'm sorry. As the fucking half owner of this network and the fucking ruler of this podcast, I am fucking deeply apologetic for what just happened to you. Take my profile of Supercruiter. I'm gone. Okay, well then you don't want to keep it all super pretty Supercuder. I'm gone. Okay, well, then you

don't want to keep it on. Thank you. You know, you understand the Supercruid works. That's where you get the job. I have to work. We got a new apartment, babe. Scumbo with tits. I got it. I got an ass like you. I got introduced our guests.

All right. First off, who killed it last night, and I probably wouldn't have been able to do anything without the owner of Liz. No, we're not the owner. She's not the owner. I don't know. I'm so tired.

I'm losing my mind. I'm fucking tired too. We're all tired. We're running around with a fucking four year old all day. How'd it go to fuck? But up to seven. It doesn't bug you when a young kid person says I'm tired. I'm so tired, yes, or a comic.

So like I'm so tired, yeah. She deals with gnome. Oh my God. I dealt with the Norton yesterday and gnome. I was like getting pressed off the other day. And I was working from like eight until five. Oh my God. I remember thinking to myself, like who does this? And then I was like getting pressed off the other day. I was working from like eight until five. I remember thinking to myself, like, who does this?

And then I was like, everyone. Everyone accepts us. Yeah, that's what they do. Did you work today? You had a job today? What'd you do today? They should have tired. Yeah, I did Chrissy's podcast earlier,

but I was up early. I introduced her. I think I got it. But her getting up is having coffee. Dave, was I not up? I was up at seven. And what did you do? I was up at seven. But what did her getting up is having coffee. Dave, was I not over? I was about seven. And what did you do? I was up at seven.

But what did you do when you got that? I just moved. I have a million fucking things on, Pat. What did you do? I cleaned my old apartment and I moved to sin. Not your apartment. Dave's apartment. Oh, shit.

Seven, you cleaned my apartment. Can we, can we, can we, can we introduce to this? It's a great. Okay. Go ahead, Bobby. Liz, Liz, the motherfucker. Thank you. The one who runs it all, okay?

The ruler of this fucking place. Original Liz. Oh, gee. Oh, gee, Liz. Yep. That's oh, gee, Liz. You have a bunch of Liz's at this place. That's oh, gee, Liz.

Thank you. That's the only Liz I's OG list. Thank you. I put the I know. Gosh. Thank you. Go show. G list. Hope I that one. I used to use this podcast if I did that. The show would stop. Yeah.

Literally, I literally would get I would fucking hit the table. You would do it. And the whole show would go away. Like I would have to go and go into the computer's parts and take out an AFI file. I'm trying to find it. You know that chip? Yes. Okay. And now pick up the pace.

All right. We got two cute Mike Fini. Right. Glad to be back. I'm clapping. I clapped for Lauren because the last time I was on this podcast, no one clapped for Ned Kennedy and you got all mad about it and you were like, you're not fucking clapping? I'm fucking clapped.

And then the clap thing started. Oh, yeah, Mike, he's going to get mad no matter what. That's kind of the shit. First of all, I don't sound like that. Yeah, first of all. That impression was good. That impression stinks. All right.

Not gonna fucking clap. I'll work on it, I might throw it hurts. All right, listen, why is you throw it hurt baby girl? I'd be a see it fucks up. I don't know. I don't know. You're for five minutes. You're just a facture that quickly. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. What did you do? Were you screaming at? I was been a long day. I've been talking a lot. You know? What were you doing? Podcasting.

I made a couple of podcasts. Yeah. Not as important as this. Might have. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. Who are you going to find out? Who's asking?

Who'd like to know? You certainly will never hear it. That's for sure. Well, you're going out? Who's asking? Who'd like to know? You certainly will never hear it, that's for sure. Well, yeah, it'd be the first comic that's come on and did eight podcasts before my podcast. No, no, I'm ready, I'm here. What's wrong with your voice?

I don't know, I mean, I didn't think it sounded bad until you said it and then she confirmed it and now I'm self-conscious about it, so I'm just gonna keep talking until you move on to it first. What do you think about that? I can fill a buster all goddamn day, Bob. I wanna see it. I'll fucking do it, two hour fill a buster right now. I don't think you got any of it, bird, what do you think about that? I can fill the bus to all goddamn day, Bob. I wanna see it. I'm fuckin' doin' it, two hours, fill the bus right now.

I don't think you got any of your fuckin' tickets. You don't think I got it? Not only do I got it in me, but I could, this whole podcast, you guys can all leave, come back in two hours, I'll still be gone. I will fuck it up, listen. If you don't do it, I get the fuckin' punchy right in your dick. I will fuckin' leave right now,

and you have to talk for two hours, and non-stop fucking talk Do you got that in you two hours by yourself up here? I saw Ram Paul do this once he quotes You remember you have any like supreme court decisions memorized that got him through a lot of this is a stream of consciousness Maybe I don't think you got it baby. You're cute, but you're not that cute. Who else do we got? Law? We have debt new daddy Aaron Berg. Congratulations. She went that new. That's daddy. I'm sure I'm okay with that.

It was creepy. Yeah. Hi, buddy. How are you? How is it? It's great. It's going to get worse. Why? No. It get. Isn't that the toughest? First of all, don't say no. Don't know. I know. I know. She's, I know. I'm talking to you. A fucking girl. Mind her. Okay. What's the toughest? What's the toughest? No, buddy. It just, it, look, right now is awesome. And you're like, what the fuck? It's great. And she's breastfeeding, right? Yeah. So you don't have to get up at night. I mean, she sleeps in the bed now. So I'll hear her. But you don't have to get up and feed her. But I had to get up and feed her. And that's that's a sucky thing because if they're breastfeeding, you know, even though I have 10, you can't

do it. But when I had to wake up and I could say, I'll get this one. I had to go warm the fucking thing and a warmer. Come back down. I'm getting the baby, but the change, it's a repetitive fucking nightmare of like 10 things that you have to do all the time. But it, dude, it gets worse, but it gets better. It's literally the same exact, the best and the worst happening at the same time. But right now, enjoy it because it's very easy. Yeah, it's great. It's very easy. Fall asleep on my chest and you're just priceless. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, you love it.

Yeah, what's your name? Piper. What? Piper Elizabeth Berg. She's gonna be a stripper? No, the B actress. A Piper. Yeah.

A Piper. Why Piper? My wife picked it. What is it? I don't know, what are you gonna tell her? She's why you cheat, you know It would have been nice pipe. No, you get the fuck out of the house I'm not gonna make funny listen. I know what if you picked it I make fun of me. There's not you do I picked it I said if we have a boy I'll pick the boy name, but I thought some other names at her to like like

I don't want to know it wasn't Ashley. There was something like there was something a Sawyer. I tossed some other names at her too. I was like, I don't want to know. It wasn't Ashley. There was something like, there was something Sawyer. I tossed her a Sawyer. Sawyer? Yeah, I was like, what's Sawyer? For a girl. Oh, great. Thanks, Liz.

Jesus Christ. Where should you be a frat boy? I don't. I don't. I don't don't, Sawyer, get the cat. Sawyer, bring the goat for the guys to walk. Sawyer, where's the snippet slide? Sawyer, we can't do this without Jello.

Oh. Sawyer. Yeah, so Piper's nice. So you wear the sip and slide so you we can't do this without jello Sawyer yeah, so piper's nice. She's gonna call her piper I don't like but here's what my wife's doing now is she'll give her nick names already and then call her like oh my little nugget And I'm like why you just call her by her name. I don't understand just color people Whatever you named her piper piper Oh, whatever you named it. Piper. Piper. Yeah. I actually like an old man on a farm.

Yeah. Oh, time to put peep-up down. That has got to go roll some moonshot on the board. It's probably such a beautiful thing. It's great. It's everything you prep to. Did you cut the cord? No.

It was an emergency C section. Oh. It's on the other side of the drape. You didn't see any of the stuff come out? I mean, I was, I got to see a bit of the blood but I didn't see all the stuff coming around. They literally, when they do a C section, they take her insides out and put them on a table next to her

and take the baby out. It's the fucking- If they do it right, I think they put them back in though. It most of the time, it depends what hospital you're at. Whoa, is that work on fucking legions? That's fucking awesome. Oh, they do it right. They put it in. Fucking.

That's a legion scare. Double that. That was all right. That was all right. Fucking chipless. No. All right. No, I was all right.

Wait, did you want to have a C section? We've turned the AC off. It's fucking affecting his voice and you're funny. I don't did not have a C section. They're very dangerous. Yeah. It's major surgery. They're very dangerous. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's major surgery. It's major surgery. It's fuck and it takes a long time for women to heal. Yeah. Some of them want to see section because they don't want their pulse to get fucked up. You just get that extra stitch, yo. Yeah. You can't do that because what happens after that, you get that extra tear down there or

that extra stitch. You can, some women, the skin doesn't come back as tough. This is the worst conversation ever. This is the worst. I have no, never. You're not a heck of a kid, that's why it's gross to you. Why? They said if you do kegels during your pregnancy, kegels during your pregnancy, you don't

need to do the, how fast did she correct you? Yeah. Like suspiciously quick. during your pregnancy you don't need to do the I'm fast itch. How fast did she correct you? Yeah. Like suspiciously quick. You live in kegels. Kegels. She's going to keep that funny because Dave's big dick she has to do kegels every morning.

That's why she's so tired she's sitting there kegling all food. The pussy dilates so much. My wife's pussy got way longer and way wider and I saw and I was like, it prepares itself naturally. Even though she got the C-section. Yeah, I was like, you got some mud flaps down there.

And then, she said, you ever see when they drop like a mouse into a snake tank? And the snake is like, ah, it's like a pussy nose. It's like the pussy nose. The pussy nose, the pussy. It really does. It looks like something like de-shellig.

It's amazing. Women, they deserve more than 77 cents. It's really, it's a beautiful thing. There should be a law 80 cents on the dollar. How about it, ladies? I said you should be able to hit him again. Three cent right. You have to wait for release.

If we're gonna get more money, we can whack you again. I thought they do hit. No, they don't. Shh. Bob, don't tell us the, don't tell us the, don't tell us the, you'll learn, you'll learn the right answer.

I don't even love it if they just cracked it right now. Oh man. For the joke, not like it. you'll learn the right answer. I love the baby just crack the right now Man for the joke not just the commitment to physical comedy Nothing to do with domestic violence Crazy yeah, that's that's the Dawn did the dawn fucked up my was like, oh, we know Bobby. That's a surf. I'm giving it everything. I'm giving it everything. I thought that was up. I was. I went chin back. What the fuck was that? Why would nobody love it? I thought it's somewhere. Dude, that was a home run as triple. I got scared. I know. I got I got chained into laughing.

I love that. It was great. What the fuck Dave? There's fire. He's been plugging an album. He threw that out as quick as her kegel. Yeah. No, she, she didn't understand what given,

she, she thought, you know, what's gonna happen. The pain was so fucking intense, the labor pain. They had to put a ribbon in her fucking box. It helps induce labor. She was going into labor, it wasn't happening quick enough. So they put this thing up there, it's like a ribbon and it really makes you go into labor.

And once the labor comes, the pain comes, you fucked. And we're sitting there in the hospital. They come in and they check the dilation every, you know, every whatever, half hour and you have to be a certain, you pussy has to be dilated in a certain way. A size and they keep checking it and checking it and then they put this thing in and then the pain comes, dude, I've never seen my wife.

She was like, I felt like somebody was murdering her in front. Yeah, scary, dude. I was in the hospital when Beatrice Lewis's baby mom had to get, and like, you get off while you were there? No, probably. No, I heard the story. They watched the door. Watch the door.

I think that was like, they would have for like 12 hours. It's your dog at some point. That was like, Kelly's fault. First of all, don't, if you can't wait 12 hours to jerk off. So I'm not defending him. It's a great. He really did jerk off? Yeah, I feel terrible.

I feel terrible because he's on the show and he told the story. But when I was first used to come on my show, he was so fucking vulnerable. He's an open book that, you know, man. Open, fucking, and he, I feel bad now because it's, it's, I think the catalyst of why they broke up. I mean, it was, I think it was one of the big things. It was really, I think Kelly, like, saw Beatrice the next day and she was like, oh, mate, you heard about

how Louis chucked off before he had the band. Oh, no. Fucking retired with, she sold them out. Yeah, but she, she fucking, I mean, I get blame every time there's on the show, you stake, you suck, fuck off, die, fat. I mean, can blame every time there's on the show you stay you suck fuck off Die I mean the man I mean Kelly for stucco sucks calm and use it as his website Right here and by the way, it was a big year for him

But just a bag of you were saying I mean I remember hearing Beatrice scream and I'm out in the hallway in the waiting room You can hear it from like doors. I mean it literally sounds like somebody's torturing your friend in the other room. It's like a weird feeling. Not for nothing, come on up. I was actually, Dave, Dave, harder from doors down. I was telling a story about literally being in the room with the person,

because I went through it. Much more magnified. Yeah, tell me. Oh, you're, I was saying I can also relate. Did you? No, tell your story about being doors down. I was in the room, you thought your thing was like. I watched a grazen at me, you thought your thing was like.

I watched a grazen at me where this woman was incredibly uncomfortable, so I've been there. Yeah, I had a pen to side this one, so. I was saying, I got it. Holding my wife's hands, she's holding my, I can't do it. Like I don't know if I can. No drugs.

My wife is, my wife tried to fight me once. She's a tough brat. Like I did something to her one time and she was like I'm gonna fucking kill you Yeah, I'm gonna kill you kid. Yeah deserve it. Yes But no drugs the guy they come in and give it to you. Yeah guy finally came in But it was like the the head What is it crowning no fuck? I don I don't know. The what? Crowning? No. When the head comes out.

I can't stand how Jami was watching. Did you shake a dump? How do I talk? You said when the head crowning, the baby's head comes out. That's crowning. That's not what I said. He said the head. Did it any?

He did. But I meant the head doctor. I mean, let me spin the head. So try and get him doctor. I'm crowning. She's trying to get another end up there. I'm drowning. She's trying to get another kegla. I went the head to crack the head. I'm drowning.

Take pussy. Ready to go. What the fuck? I'm gonna finish the head doctor. Head doctor. The head doctor, no. You f- The head doctor.

The head doctor. Now I want to do it. Now I want to do it. The I want everybody to have the head doctor, not any species here. What's the, what the fuck can we look it up please? Can you help me with the computer in front of you? Whoever like pain management. Yeah, but no, it's just the pain,

the drugs they give a woman is. Epidural. Thank you. Thank you too, cute. You're welcome. Oh God. So they come on. I think sheural. No, epidural. Thank you. Thank you too, cute. You're welcome. Oh God. So they come on.

She's sitting there going, just guessing. Literally has a magic machine in front of her. She could type in, and crowning. Yes, the epidural. The guy comes in, the head dude, the epidural doctor comes in, and it's leapsiologist. No. No, it's like an epidural guy The guy comes in the head dude, the epidural doctor comes in and it's leaps theologist. No, no, no, there's like an epidural guy. No, please. I'm just going to say magic machine. It's the turn of the girl guy. That's actually listening to me. Yeah. Listen to me. Look at me.

You won't. It's not an epidural guy. I mean, it's not an anesthesia. That's when they put people off a surgery. The epid they come in they literally go into your spine, okay? Yeah, and these this is a very important part This takes all the pain away. Yeah, the guy comes in head dude looks like a doctor with a guy that looks like fucking Dave Smith Who just got out of the gym? Yeah, got these bracelets on him kind of cool looking guy. It's a compliment relaxed before you I know I I like those. Fuck every time. Bro, you have fucks to do this. He's a fool. This guy.

So he comes in with some awesome guy. Who's like, you know, the new waiter at fucking Applebees, where they're shadowing the table with the real good waiter. And then you've got fucking. You're shadowing for your website. This guy comes in, my wife's fucking dying. And he's got a fucking, an apathural fucking shadow doctor, and he's all, he's hippish shit.

Finally they're doing it, they're like, oh, you want to do it here, they're talking, it's like my wife's dead, get it in, you. Yeah. Good guy, good doctor, put it in. But now that guy's helping someone else, because he learned on your wife. Well, as he's walking out, I'm sitting'm sitting there my wife finally is like the pain goes away

Immediately and I'm like oh god. No tip was out half her box was hanging out. Yeah, this guy walks by he goes hey Seller no Yeah, dude, you go love it. Love your work. I go thanks. Hope you love my wife's fucking box Was that that was at the shadow guy or the Oji guy? Shadow guy. Anyways, love a good shadow guy. I know you do. Especially in the park, you fucking queen. Thanks. Now we'll cook with peanut oil. It was great. She had an epidural C section three three nights in the hospital. She's back. It's almost two weeks. She walked around the block today and yesterday.

So she's getting back up and around. Well, it's a lot though. Do you? Piper's a good day. My action. Thanks man. I like it. It's kind of a cool name. You get like you can move to Connecticut. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you live in a story? But we've got to live in. I get to move. I got to get? But we got to leave it. I gotta move. I gotta get move up to where I was. He said, dumb. How are you gonna go? Shit, I'm looking at some places up near you,

but I'm also starting to look in. Don't do it. Don't do it. Say, Jerseh. You don't know what I've said. I'm not saying Jerseh. Don't say long island. I'm saying, I'm saying further in Queens.

Don't do it. Yeah, middle village. Don't do it. We have more of your money on middle village. Middle village, you can get a decent house for 650. But if I pay 600 and I go upstate, I can have a mansion on a lake. How upstate though? And I have a 10.

Where? Carmel, Mayapack. It's nice if that is nice. It's gorgeous. Listen, you don't have to go that far up to spend that much money to get a fucking night. I just went up to Verzi's house, Sunday for dinner. Yeah. Buddy, it was crazy. Where's he live? I just went up to Verzi's house Sunday for dinner.

Buddy, it was crazy. Where's he live? He lives in North Salem. It's 45 minutes away from me. So I don't know how he's saying. You're 40 minutes, right? I'm a half hour to 79th street boat basin. Okay.

From my house. I'm, if on no traffic, I can make it down here in 40 minutes, right? Okay, all the way to the South. So he's an hour 20 at least. He's got he says he makes I like to yeah, but I'm I'm we all lie you live in Westchester. You live outside the city I don't want you to go do to take me 10 minutes. Yeah, it takes me 15 minutes Yeah, we want every you know, it's like when you have a kid you're gonna find out every day Dude have another one. You need another one.

Don't listen to those fucking jack offs. Have one kid if you just want one kid. Yeah, I just want one. Where I live, it's great, it's perfect. Nome actually lives where I live, and he told me he goes, dude, this is as far as you want to go, but I think I might go a little farther.

Really? Where you are? We're doing. I got to fucking sell, go through a hole. It's not a big deal. No, he's doing so well. A lot of higher second house. Well, it's a lot more shit than just like moving if you rent. I mean, that's like, I got to move it if your rent is a pain in the air. What are you talking about? It's the same thing. I got to convince my house is not a big deal. You put it up on the market and you say yes or no.

But let me ask you this. The negotiation, you just have to know the least amount of money you'll take for your house. And that's it. You cannot find, and I have enough money where I can, I don't have to, when I moved from the city, I had to sell rent by, because I needed to get that money to have a house. Right.

I didn't have enough money in the bank to buy and then sell. But right now, I could, if I wanted to, I could probably sell and buy it at the same time. That's great. But you could put contingencies. Why do you want to move though? You could put, like, you could say, look, you buy my house, but I'm not leaving until I get a house.

Yeah. That's the deal. And a lot of people were like, all right, cool, whatever. Why do you want to move? Yeah, why would you move? Number one, the school system we're in, That's the deal. And a lot of people were like, all right, cool, whatever. Why do you want to move? Yeah, why would you move? Number one, the school system we're in, we're literally a block away. When we, on Trulia, they lie.

About the school, yeah, because then you're all the rankings of the school systems. And they go eight, nine, eight, but then you find out you're in a seven, six, three, and your kids gonna be on heroin by 10th grade. Well, it's actually the opposite because I've been talking to cops, a lot of cops. And they say the rich schools have the heroin scars. The scars.

That's really short. Quattlin Manor, all these people have new real because they got money. The cheap, the other schools, the six and sevens. Yeah. No, no, it's not. I can't afford it. It's weird. the cheap, the other schools, the six and just feel like if my daughter went to one of those uppity schools, there's a lot of rape. Like guys that look like hammer-ass.

Like the shots? You know, rapey. I'm pressing, you think I have the upper body strength to rape. If anyone from too cute to rapey, I'm flattered. You really do need a little. You really need a lot of upper body strength to hold somebody. Yeah. It's a good one. You really do do do do do do. You really do do do do do. You really do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I can't even, I really can't like wrap my head around the idea of forcing my penis into something that didn't want it Like how difficult that is. I need help just getting it in doggy style. Like dude, you know that you're fighting me I'm gonna fuck you. For you Lauren.

For you. With that, come on. Come on. With that note, I almost forgot the great Dave Smith is here. Oh, damn it. Oh, good advice. Oh, we got fuck Lauren. Hey man, a's your girl. Show me some goddamn respect. Dave Schmidt, how you doing buddy? I'm good man.

You got a great new special out today. That's right. The album is number one on iTunes. Well, it happens to everybody. Let's not get carried away. I thought it was just popping the same thing. I think I'm pretty sure Harrison had it too. Lenny Marcus had number one for two days.

No, listen, no, this is that. Those are two giants and I'm just trying to. Let's go. Buddy, that's a great thank you. Congratulations. Thank you. You had one week ago, right? Yeah.

Did you make number one too? Number one for four days. You know what, it does happen anybody. Yeah. Who's that theory? But it was because you helped out. No, I already helped out and so many people helped out. And we're gonna help Dave out too because this you guys both have you're fucking hilarious.

You got a special coming out too. Yeah, I released it as an album and a special so it's like So it's out. It's out. It's out. It's out today. It's all that you can download the audio or the or the video That's good. We do I ain't good at gassed. It's all network if you go to gassedage on network.com You get it at discount. Yeah, how much is it at g. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I a theater. It's a Creek in the game. No, I did it out of the triad theater. I thought you did a Crumpown west side. No, I was running it. I was running it at the Creek. Oh, I will forget the fucking promo. I was gonna get this whole thing. I love Rebecca. I literally did it in Creek in the cave. I was really as came from it. It was nice that she let's run it there. Yeah, you sold her out and we're fucking filmed it somewhere else at the Triad we did a whole festival over there this year You're really the fray to of that group Some

I'm gonna make it boss. I really love it. That is the most accurate description ever. Yeah, yeah. Louis and Jay really want to send you to Vegas. I would fucking go. I would go. Louis, you know, I'm talking to Bob Kelly. A man like Bob Kelly.

Yeah, I was fucking banging cheerlead. It was fucking. Listen, Fredo. Listen to me. Oh, I got him calling that. That's great. How many, I mean, it was a small place. Yeah, it's a small theater. Which I'm not, I think, is the way to fucking do it.

Yeah. Why the fuck, I mean, yeah, okay, because it looked great. When I saw, I was like, this is comedy. I've said this about my special. They try, you know, everybody's trying to do these thousand seaters and yeah, they look great. I get it. They wanted to have a certain thing, but fucking looks great, man.

I love it. And you're killing it. Yeah. Well, it was a lot of fun. And we packed it out with, with, with, how are people? It's like, I think 300 seat or something like that. It's great. It was a little smaller than that.

Um, but it was like, or maybe two, I guess 200. But we had to have that with our people. It's 280 people. That was just us. It was just the script. It was a podcast. I put you on tape to bring her. I put you on tape to bring her. You said you were people.

It's 80. Listen. Yeah. But it was a fun time. It's like one of the cool things I kind of felt about, like, because it's like in the podcast era of comedy, like I feel like not too many, like traditionally in comedy,

someone who's at where I'm at doing their first special, who's relative unknown, doesn't have an audience packed of their people. You know what I mean? But because we're in this podcast era, we're like we have listeners and shit like that, they all came out. So that was very cool.

Like they helped me make it, you know what it was. Well here's the thing is that, I remember I did my half-hour with Comedy Central. I had, thank God I had people, but we did that one of the theaters and the guy after me had all my people at his special. Yeah. And, and he went first. I, he went first. I went second. And he had to go in front of my fans and he was corny as shit. Yeah. And I felt bad for him because he had to do a special. But, you know, of course, comedy central

sweetened it up and took all my laughs and gave it to him. So, and they made me do, I crushed, made me look good, and him look good. We were both the same. Like, I remember the girl laughing at one of my jokes. And I literally made it. I literally remember going, fucking looking at her and that's what I love, right there.

And it was, you know, whatever, I get it. But that's great, you're right, it's the podcasting world. But the fact that technology, look, 10 years ago, you wouldn't be giving me fucking cameras up there. Okay, the fact that technology advanced so much that we can do a five camera shoot with a fucking crazy serial killer named Zach still standing up the whole time.

Is that the way it is? Okay. Zach is a little creepy. I don't know where you found it. Well, one week, he's just gonna be sitting here going, you guys ready? I'm just going. I'm just going.

So yeah, congratulations. Thank you. And we got a lot of, we got a baby, named Piper, we got a special, named Libertarian, right? a special, name Libertarian. Libertas. Libertas, whatever that means. It's a Latin for liberty.

I know. It's what they chanted in Scarface when they went after the guy to Shankum at the early prison scene in the detention. Libertas. Libertas. That's what it's from. Yeah. That's perfect.

Make it a tour. I get into fucking past school, but you know fucking references in a Starbucks, like a savant. Yeah. And then you have nothing. I have a podcast. It's doing very well. Would you do that for Dave at a special?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was at Dave's special. I was on the warm to my people out. What do you got going on, anything special? Irish Goodbye podcast. Boom, thank you. I just came back from LA,

just did the last call with Carson Daley. That'll be out in October. Oh, how was that? How was that? It was good. Boom, thank you. I just came back from LA just did the last call with Carson Daly. That'll be out in October. How was that? How was that? It was good. It's all remote now though. So it's like the thing that was great about it was instead of having to do like a late

night set where they're like, you need your four minutes and whatever seconds, they are like we want to catch it in like a club atmosphere. It's the film at the ice house in Pasadena and they take, they take ten, they just, you just do a ten minute set and they'll go, we'll just take like three minutes of all that. But you get editing rights. They, they said you can tell them if there's a joke, you don't want them to use on it and so, and they also, because it's later, they're like, we can kind of bleep so you don't even have to really sense yourself. They're all really bleeps. They don't want bleeps. No bleeps. No, well, I'm saying, there wasn't, you know,

I disagree. You like bleeps. If I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I hear a bleep I'm who's on who's that yeah well if I have some I'd rather bleep than then have to change the world yeah change your word fuck the joke up fuck your vibe up I'd rather just do a set let them bleep it a bleep causes interest I also think yeah there's something on late night TV if I hear a guy on Carson daily, say fuck him, I'm like, who's this fucking Dean? I like it if you twink. I like it if you want to do naturally first.

Like it allows you to speak the way you normally speak. Yeah, you know, because you'll be like, I had a fucking did that. And I just, I like that. Congratulations, I can't wait. I remember my fucking, I did Carson daily when you had to do it on the show and it was the worst. I bought them.

I bought them twice. I did the show three times. to do it on the show and it was the worst. I bought them. I bought them twice. I did the show three times. I literally ate my clock two times. Why, what was so bad about it? Because he would go out and do a fucking an hour interview with an actor. They didn't know a comic was gonna be there. They'd see some fucking alt band

from a fucking Michigan and that's going on after you. And then he's a great guy. He's a really nice guy. He loves comics too, but they'd bring you out, just ice cold audience that hadn't wanted nothing to do with you. And then you'd go out, I bombed twice. The first time worse than the second time,

but the first time was terrible. We were talking about, I think, a couple weeks ago, right? The ice house is great too. All those people, it's a great room. It's like an easy room too, like they fucking, the acoustics in it are awesome. Pasadena's great. Do you remember what actors were there when you did it?

Rockwell. Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell was on before me. Did this amazing long interview. It was just, you know, fucking left side of the brain shit. Yeah. And it was like, wow.

And then you guys ready for some comedy? And I went out and did my horse shit. And then they were like, no, and then the bacon brothers, I think were following it up. It was like fucking Yeah, I'm gonna start it singing footloose Fucking terrible Liz last night was a big night. Oh my god. It was amazing. It's great We did the chip chip us in pot of the cast Probably one of the best shows I've seen in the past year. Really?

What was it? What was one of the best shows? The last night was great. The roast. Yeah, that was the boss rose. The boss rose. Those are probably two of the highlights. I think you're right.

I think the boss rose. He's like, you got to sign the paint. But work. My lawyer look at it. Why no one else did sign the paint book work. All right, well, fuck it, I'll be your only friend one after this is done. Am I? Didn't calling me a cunt on that video

was probably the highlight of my life. You called your cunt? Yeah, it's great. It's great at the video. What are you talking about? Oh, you got up. Oh yeah, you got up. up oh I'm not there yet okay sorry don't fucking jump to your part no one fucking turn in the camera no more camera as is it on

or I fucked up um who the fuck jumps to the end of the story sorry you girl doesn't know radio Dave. Yeah, I'm more I We yeah, we did I mean look I remember Rob was sitting we were trying to get you know We wanted Norton on the network. We love Norton too bad you couldn't get him. We can't you can't contractually You can't get on he's on serious. He signed you can't do anything else and then Rob downstairs and he's like what about Chip? I was like, what about Chip? And I was like, fuck, I hate Chip. I'm like, that's a good idea. And Norton's walking by, we go, Norton, I go, let's do a Chip podcast, he goes, I like it. We're like, what?

It literally went down in seconds. Yeah, I was with you guys. We were all sitting there, yeah. And he's like, yeah, yeah. I could do that. I could do that contractually. And we'll do 15 minutes. Yeah, 15 minutes. It. I can do that contractually. And we'll do 15 minutes. Yeah, 15 minutes, only 15 minutes song.

The story sounds like a very like average story of how a podcast starts. I don't get it. Well, you're like, hey, no one, you want to do a podcast? It's like, that's a good idea. And then we did it. Just like that, boys.

But here's the part if you let me get to it, you fucking shit. Dave doesn't know radio, he's right. I don't know. I really doesn't. The fact you know, you're not looking you're not looking deep into it this person doesn't exist Dave he defy me

listen to me he doesn't exist chips not a person it's my friend it's my friend who's going through crisis preventing other people to live to save things and he's he gets It's my friend who's going through crisis and is inventing other people to live like the same thing. He's been a disturbed person for years. And he gets 70,000 downloads. The first episode, a week out of the gate,

people love this guy that doesn't exist. It was like a cult. It sold out. It was like that. It sold out like that. Yeah, he put it up Okay, think about how hard you worked to get a podcast that works all the shit you had This guy doesn't exist six years to hit the doesn't exist He announced this live show. He was supposed to announce on a Tuesday

He sends a tweet on a Sunday I got home from I don't know a fucking hockey game or some shit like that. And literally it was sold out. Lauren got a bit of bigger applause than Sam Roberts. Really? Yeah. Buddy, Lauren, they were Sam Roberts. They love Sam. Lauren, where the place went nuts? I mean, not bigger than me and fucking, Anthony, but but listen she's not calling. Oh, Colin gets a big one

Yeah, this is really just a shot at Sam Roberts It was it was fucking I mean, yeah, no, I mean, it's crazy, but here it comes out It's it's thoroughly annoying. Were you there last night? No. Why didn't you come? I had something. What did I have?

You're special. Oh, yeah. That's why I'm special. No, I was doing a radio. Radio or podcast? Podcast. Podcast. That's what I thought.

I did both the yesterday. Wow. A lot of both. Of course you are. Unbelievable. It was sold out. The fans were ballistic. He he goes like, what is it? What is it? He goes like No, everyone he didn't do he literally clapped once he went. Oh, yeah, that's what we do in the podcast here Audience 200 and they are beautiful. I'm watching. Yeah started clapping and then he goes like this This and they shut up and he goes and they shut up

It was every person in that place new to do it Shots for watching the vlog. Yeah, it's Conquence at the best. It's like a cult. It's a cult. Yeah, he's starting a cult People were in costume. It was hot chicks dressed like chip. Yep. Yeah, army helmets Hot chicks dressed with arm chip army. Army helmet. It's disturbing But he was able to keep it because he's usually it's 15 minutes, right? So how long was it? Hermie helmets hot chicks dress with arm chip army army helmet disturbing but he was able to keep it because he's usually it's 15 minutes right to how long was I want to have and he kept it up the whole time with out here's a thing though this is why

Norton uh he is this is Norton strength he's the one of the hardest work and dudes I know yeah I mean does the work this guy's that hustle this guy's that get shit because they just get it. They who they are. Norton does the work. And with this podcast, he did the work. Yeah, no, I mean, that prep to that show was like a month in the making. I mean, documents and documents of just play by place for every step of that show. And he, he, he, um, he was rehearsing it with me at the, um, at the cellar downstairs, going over his lines that he wrote. And it was fucking nuts, man. He came out and each segment, he had an improv guy come out. We

did improv. I was fucking, I was from the groundlings, right? You see, you see, you see, you see, it was the worst. But that's what's great about it. He's great. He's done. He figured out how to be terrible. Yeah. Just an awful shitty, the worst type of comedian ever and fucking be hilarious. And endearing and like you love the character.

I don't. I hate it. It's horrible, but it's funny. You have to admit. It's the weirdest thing to hate something, but yet laugh at it at the same because it is, I'm literally going, fuck, I hate this, but that was funny. I was curious like how he was going to do it as a live show. Like you were kind of getting at because it's a weird thing to translate that like 15 minute

pod. For the character into a show. Well, you know, we never, we don't do the 15 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. It's an hour. Yeah. it's not 15 minutes anymore. She does a I learned I learned it was 15 minutes when Fini said it's 15 minutes. I'm just I said that that's how much I was paying It's great. I'm glad that you are the fucking just the fuck

At the top you'll never be Lewis. What are you talking about? I'll never be You'll never own that's where you've been I can't shoot for Lewis in my Top you'll never be Lewis. What are you talking about? I'll never You'll never own that's where you've been I can't shoot for Lewis in my A-Play. I'll never own camo I'm sure I'm all done. Look at me. Hey, look at me. I'm sorry. I apologize See you'll never be

Yeah, it was fucking amazing and then it the here's the problem this one calling I both walked out. For you came back. I came back because I came back because we both couldn't leave. We had a steady. Yeah. They do this. He proposed to your wife.

You know, just on my wife, she will be. We'll say if you're smart. Well, let me hear how this happens. Yeah. I'm so happy. See how good this special does. if you're smart. Well, let me hear. Have a happy. So good. The special does.

We gave Dave became famous and just fucking immediately dumped her. I'm out of here. It's all Margaret Cho from here on. You might have put it up with some fucking Eliza's lesson during Dave Chelsea handler. See Dave Holden. Her and Eliza on a plane. They both have the same dog. I'm going to start writing articles about how I'm outraged by offensive jokes and she's guys talking about their penises. I don't need to do that. I'm straight up politics. So she, Chip proposed. Can I say

or he talked about it? Yeah. Yeah. He proposed. I mean, Liz, he proposed, Chip proposed to your girl, Lauren. Okay. Who's his girl on the show? All right, bro. Well, let me know how it ends. And they hit the fucking button and they have a video of Rich Voss congratulating Chip and Lauren on this beautiful moment. And then all of a sudden it cuts to Ricky Javace Congratulating chip and Lauren on their marriage and then it cuts to the rock

He said chip and lord buddy listen What happened next body? She said no But you didn't even see those videos before he wouldn't let me see them. I had no idea I knew boss was in it, but I had no idea Rick's surveys and so she says no, right? She says now you'll learn how the same hands she says no, right? She says no. You'll learn how to the same hands. She says no. She's down on the ground. I just looked at you.

Dave's hands, I was like, oh my God, they have the same. Pull your hand up to Dave's. Hold it up. It's the same. It's almost creepy. Like this, if I'm Jesus. So she says no, the whole place goes, aw, chipsad. They hit another button.

It's condolences from Rich Vos, Ricky Givase, and the rock, and the rock. Rich Vos called you, can't Ricky, what did Ricky say? You don't know like what you're missing out on and the rock is like, it's all right, Chip. Like it'll be all right. The fuck? 100% When I see it, I'll believe it. I don't think it's real. It's the me calling the right. The rock. The left. Buddy, when the rock came out, me and Colin, Lou and I'm done with this. The fact that the rock knows who chip is and not

calling on me, we're like, I'm out. I'm fine. This is just too far. Yeah. Too far. Was that the picture? Colin actually left. He did. Yeah, I didn't come back. That they posted of you being like, yeah. That was, it was on the rock. I don't know if it was that way.

There were so many moments where we were all like that. Yeah. That's the face Bobby always makes. That's the face Bobby's making in the lower. Oh yeah. That's just Bobby's picture face. That's just Bobby's picture face. That's the same. I'm sitting there going, the fucking number one motherfucker in the world right now.

The guy. I literally turned to Bobby and like, the rock knows my name. I was infuriated. I was infuriated. That was, yeah. I was like, this is too much. It was amazing. Chip. I was infuriated. That was, yeah. I was like, this is too much. It was amazing. Chip.

It was crazy. That being said, ballers has really gone downhill. This is not that good. No, it's not that good. It's very formulaic. Formulaic. It was crazy. I mean, to think now, to go back to your country

remark at the beginning, something, just a regular podcast. The fucking rock knows about that. Yeah, no, the part that I stand by what I said when you and Rob were like, hey, Jim, you want to do a podcast? That was not a major thing. We said chip.

Chip. That was the reason I took it over. He doesn't exist, Dave. That's what. It's not allowed to be on the network. This man that doesn't exist is friends with the rock. Do you know what I mean? Just for the record, I think the rock part is pretty cool.

You don't think it's crazy that a character that he created, that has sells out shows. It is, and is getting thousands of dollars. You're making it like somebody created a character. It's un-Norton. He's an incredibly popular comic who created a character who has, who's big in radio. Does it matter matter doesn't matter I mean doesn't that doesn't matter you create a character that nobody gives a fuck about it's incredible that's stupid if

you don't think it's incredible you're fucking more right about it has nothing to do with fucking north it has nothing to do with norin Yes, that is a Something to do with something but not everything sure no no no This anyone else do it does anyone else do a character podcast this Yana sure Think of it is the only other one I think I think of Not I love yana said I love his character. I'm ice just bag it. Oh, that's right. Yeah Nothing nothing that's gonna, I mean, yeah, this is probably the closest, I think.

He's no chip. But I mean, as far as numbers go, yeah. I mean, his videos on YouTube are fucking 50,000. No, it's more like 90. 90, 90, 90 shows where they're gonna start chanting chip when he's gonna make my My hope no my my hope my my my please Chip is more famous than Jeff He has to travel his ship Jim died and Lauren has to go with

Learn of a G5 would check. You can't come, would make me fucking, I quit comedy just, I've become the assistant. I'm like, I'm just gonna take care of everything for ya. Just like, I'll take care of your bags, whatever you need to do. Pay me minimum wage, I'm good, that's it. Make sure Max gets in the good school.

My house is almost paid for, I'm good. Chips it. Make sure Max gets in the good school. I don't. My house is almost paid for. I'm good. Chips gonna be Max's dad. Body. Yeah, he could take it. My kid loves it. Buddy, it's a is something he hit gold with something. It's his Sufi Yeah, if I can compare it to something because kids love it women love it everybody Who is a moron loves it. I didn't think they were gonna be women there

And there was the some older women like maybe in her 50s she got it came out she's like Like they were excited checked in like yeah, they were the first ones there. Yeah I believe a lot and I jerked off to both of them today Southern fucking blonde yeah milfs titties out of oh god just fuck I'm looking at I was looking at big fucking ahead I had three kids 20 years ago pussy so it's kegled back kind of kegled looks and kegled Kegled Yeah, it was it was an it was incredible Dave. I can't even I don't even it's just fascinating to me to think because you understand the back story of this Character they did a he did a whole thing on cartoons. They were supposed to do an animation

It fell apart the fans really got, right. And he felt like shit for so long. He felt, I mean, terrible because he really tried to make something happen. And it just fell apart. And he's always felt bad about that. And now he finally gets to chip is huge. This fucking guy is huge right now. This character is is huge and the fans who love them are finally kind of getting There's their stuff back, you know, and serious isn't giving them shit No, they can't and it's all does the what's it called unfiltered Podcast right so he does that he but they probably have that in his agreement or whatever because he came in I think doing that Right when they started when they started jimmy or whatever, because he came in, I think, doing that. Right.

When they started, when they started, Jim and Sam, he was doing the UFC one already, I think. Yeah. So he probably came in doing that. He can, he can do that stuff because it was, you know, when he was a third mic guy to compensate for what he was in making, they let him do other things, you know what I mean? But now he's the main guy on the show. You know, so, but it, it's just crazy to me this, you never know. I mean, think how Jim Norton is,

look, of course, Jim is huge. I know what you're saying. Jim is a big... Oh, no, no, no, I'm fucking around. You're 100% right. It's a fucking, on paper, that seems like a stretch to think that this is gonna work as an idea. So to see it like actually come to fruition is pretty fucking impressive

Rock that's just Little shit. He has no idea who she is walk by a nine times I'm more in rock maybe like I have no idea No Jim Norton hope because he did a video talking about me yesterday you guys I did like 70 videos You the girl with cancer Yes, that's me Pancreatic we're gonna beat it I think it's crazy. It's great, but here's the thing what do you do?

Like what do you do if it does become Here's the thing, what do you do? Like, what do you do if it does become? If it's a monster right now. And that would be, who's Fini? Mike, Fini. Oh, too cute. Too cute.

What's too cute is like, like a calm. It's a little bit, makes him sound too. I remember talking to, it's like right around when I first started comedy when Burr had just had that thing in Philly, happened, and he was like, this is like right before he really popped. Like, he was a national headliner and stuff, and it was before he this is like right before he really popped. Like he was a national headliner and stuff and it was before he's bill bar.

And he was like fucking really fucking in his head that he goes the thing on most famous for is like getting heckled and destroying the more all. And he was scared that like now he's going to be going out on the road and everyone's going to be trying to like heckle him. Like then he did the HBO special that year that like blew him up. And it just like kind of like overshadowed. I'll tell you that he did the HBO special that year that like blew him up and it's just like kind of like overshadowed. I'll tell you though it because he's right. It did the next we went to Cleveland and the same exact thing happened. I mean, we were sharing a dressing room and I came back in the fucking lamp was bent and I mean that those assholes tried to recreate it.

What happened in Philly? Like just because it it's like he's great at handling it. They just want to handle that every fucking night. Yeah. That was an epic night, man. I can't remember that. I filmed it on my flip phone. I had the first flip phone with video. I remember that video. It was just like, seven seconds of the time.

I was sitting there doing this. If I still had that video, it was crazy. But yeah, he. I don't want to. He's crazy. Now I gave that away too to I always give my tech away But it's crazy if this becomes if people start booking chip He'd have to go on

I mean what do you do? I mean when they're like no, we want a book chip. Yeah, at a theater. I mean Okay, do it but there's the thing with Norton. He's a great standup comic, bummed beyond that. So he knows the rule, which is never create anything bigger than the act. Is that a rule? It's kind of like J. Lano came up with it. The hospital, the real town came up with it. What's his name up? Larry the cable guy. It was the opposite of that.

Never made potato chips more popular than your mac and cheese. I don't know if that's what Larry the cable guy was is it he was one of his Caracters and that one just became so much bigger than the others They were like that broke the rule right? I'm incredibly wrong. It could happen. Did you just make that rule up? No, I Leno used to say it back in the day Don't what it's the class group? Don't jump off and I think it came from Rodney Don't you're not when you wife's

Yeah, yeah, it was Rodney Dangerfield never you're not when your wife's a hit label. It was Rodney Dangerfield. Never create anything bigger than the act. And then he passed it down to Leno. And then Leno said it in GQ interview, like in the early midnight. Yeah, but I mean, now the guy with the dog, what's his name?

The triumph in Southam. Way big. He's a comic created a fucking character. Lisa Lempanelli created a character bigger than Lisa Lampanelli. I mean that was a character She was when she was still big balls. What was her Jimmy Big balls? He's a great guy by the way. Oh Jimmy Big balls. Who's that? That's her ex-husband. He works at Gotham as a bounce or real big guy Oh, yeah, yeah great guy. Yeah Yeah, it's fucking an alley was a character. That's not her. She's a very sensitive woman.

That's shit. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, I'm going down. So many hecklers said some shit to her. That's it. She got very emotional. But trees made her cry. She's not that person offstage. But she's made a lot of people cry. Yeah. But is it a character? It's just a magnified. Never made me cry. Thank God. I wish I'm glad I never had that story. No, I saw just a magnified me crazy God. I wish I'm glad I never had that story No, I saw you the few. Oh my god. I just remembered you kiss chip last night They're all getting buried everything. Oh my god. You covered you mouth kiss chip last night. I know. Stop what?

He do acknowledge Dave's fucking good Dave was really Bobby's gay With the real fake person that he signed on to a podcast. That's never supposed to be bigger than the act. Bobby's gay. Bobby's gay. Bobby's gay. You like that.

Bobby's gay. I'm waiting for this. Mout guess. The first time I felt truly happy. Well, yeah. How do I say this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not really, you know, I don't like chip. I don't like the character. I really think it's stupid. But there's certain things that I'm doing to play it up. But last night, I had to kiss. Who would I have to kiss? I had to get on. I had to kiss one of the, he did a raffle and one of the raffles, the guys get to kiss from me. So, you know, I had to kiss a guy on the cheek.

On the cheek. Yeah, which is fine. And then he goes, now, give me one. Yeah. And I walk, I didn't know what it was going to do. Yeah. And I went to kiss his cheek and he turned. I kissed him on the mouth. Yeah.

Tongue? Kissed? No, no, no, no. Like that. But kissing Jim Norton, you ever take a, an always get out of the shell? You can put it in your mouth and then taste it. Yeah.

It's like that, right? You made an am, Pace. You really wanted to get that one out. Step all over me. I'm in mid fucking oyster joke. And you, that's a traini-sucking cock fucking compound network. Lick it. Relax. Settle down. Right? Worst of things, I'm going to be good. We're going to fucking game with an outsettle fucking, I mean, 100% of gold nougat and you're like this. You're like, Tranny Sucka Dick.

Yeah, I know. I know. Fucking Jesus Aaron. Thank you. Yeah, I kissed Norton last night. Yeah. Yeah, it was like, it was very kissing him was like kissing something out of the ocean. Did he have stumbles?

I kissed a man once and a bell. No, the stumbles. Just keep a man once. And it goes. The stumbles. Just keep going. Don't even acknowledge it. Liz, what's wrong with you? Why you off your game, you fucking hump? I got a baby now. I got one too.

His outfit was nauseating. His, he looked like a fucking... It was amazing. He was amazing. He looked like a Dutch hooker from 1970. Literally. Like if you went to the red light district in 1978, one of those whores would be wearing with Jim Norton Well, well what was it?

Jankos, I don't know what the hell those are the 90s things Thing I've ever seen while you're pulling that I had those No, you did not Why you pulling that up blue rape and I'm gonna do this read real quick blue rape and I love this place I get I really do You know I I He's more than he got them him it was a whole thing. I think the only person that can pull those off is Lewis Everybody had Jane jane jane jane goes it was a style I had jankos. I never had jankos. I never what are you doing?

What do you do? What are you doing? I belt is digging into my fat. I've never had Jankos. These were the ones he had, the 50 inch. In a nice light. I've never heard of Racy. I've never heard of Racy. They were big in the 90s.

I guess. That was the style. When everything was baggy, everyone wearing j I was wearing extra large t-shirts and hoodies. I was wearing all of that my whole, it wasn't until like college that when I met my now wife, she was like, yeah, why do you have extra large? Did you use it to be really fat? And I was like, no, I just, she was like, you're a medium.

And I was like, oh, am I? And then I was like, oh wow, I'm pretty skinny, huh? Look at that. I thought you put on a shirt, you're like, yeah, I was like, I was like, are you supposed to feel the fabric? I was the same weight. Like I was like, I had wiggery tendencies up until like, probably like college.

Yeah. And then eventually like, you just have a moment. We were thinking of you grew up in like hip hop in the 90s and you're a light guy. And then you hit like 22 and you're like, this fucking sock, like, I don't wanna be this guy. It really is a thing. He's like, that just does not grow old gracefully.

He's like Dr. Dre live, and he's like a 50 year old billionaire. And he's like, fuck the police. Shut the fuck up. Like, you pray the police are out at night. They have friends, not the Dre. They're saving you from young 20 year olds. I had never owned anything besides black band t-shirts that were like double yeah excels forever

That was the I used to shop at Models when I was like 20 and I remember actually thinking like what retard goes to a different store Like the jeans are 15 bucks here. Why would you go spend $70 on these then they like fall apart in a month? Yeah, Bob's I used to go to Bob's all the time It was picking of jeans last night when I was, I was, I was, right before the show. I forgot. Literally right before the live show went on, I stepped off the stairs at the seller and my back pocket got hooked onto the fence. No, it's not.

On to the great. Yeah, it ripped. It literally ripped a home of my pants. And I had red underwear on. Black jeans, red underwear. There's no way you can out. You learn a lot. Shut up. He covered it.

I would never. Remember I had a t-shirt hanging out in my back pocket? That's why. Oh my God. I had to get my downstairs in the hallway here with gaffer tape. It's a tape. It's an asshole shut. That's for sure.

And he's like, look, look. No, no, no, Casey, my ass, Casey. I mean, buddy, I'm not talking about it. Gaffer tape My ass oh shut And he's like look look he's he might know no Casey my ass. I mean body. I'm not talking about a little rib I ripped an L It was an L pet like the whole the whole back of my ass The last time I ever spoke to Patrice I was on the phone with him and Jay I the last time I ever spoke to Patrice, I was on the phone with him and Jay. He was like telling us about the roast. Like, yeah, just done that roast. And I mean, just explain this to people. Huh. Patrice was talking to Jay and Dave was on the phone with him. We were listening

and I never heard Patrice mention Dave's name in my life. That's not true. I never heard Patrice mentioned Dave there in my life. That's not true. I was at shut up. It is. I know it's not true. It's funny. All right. You fucking shit generation of comics.

No, this is not true. If what about when you said that, Juggle Boehrer, I was like, no, it's not true. Yeah, I know it's not true. All right. Well, I thought you were making a point. Anyway, it's true. I mean, so he got, he was on the phone with us and he goes out and he just goes like he's on the phone talking us and then all of a sudden he goes I gotta call you back and it calls us back in like five minutes of

Jesus goes, nigga. He goes back and he goes he was eating ice cream and on the photo's but trees on the hill. Just eating ice cream and his belt snapped and his pants dropped. And he's on the phone with us. So he's just got ice cream in one hand. And his phone on the other. And he just like panicked. And it's, this is fat guy doesn't want to give up his ice cream. So he's just bad. And he goes, I'll call you guys back.

I was last time I ever talked to him. And then he died a week later. He's a good one. He was great comic. I was, I've been in two stores. I have three times with Patricerice one time in a movie theater movie the first time we ever came to Manhattan me bird Dane Bob Marley Aldo Benny And Patrice drove to New York in one car

Went to all the clubs came to the seller went to the strip walked around then went to peep shows And then we went to a movie walked around and went to peep shows and then we went to a movie. Believe it, we went in there and uh, because we were wasting time during the day, you know, and uh, we uh, he got, he was so weird. He just, I, he went and got Chinese food like, like $30 worth of it and took a bag of Chinese food into the theater and sat way over to the right and opened up this bag of check. And I mean, people like, what the fuck is that? Like, oh my God.

Is that fucking fried rice? Like people losing their minds. He's eating just fucking Chinese food and the chair just snatched. No. Into the guy's lap behind him. Oh my God. He goes like this. He just lies back and goes. My bag, man.

He made the guy get up. Man, great. And then we were in a barbecue place down here, right over a Broadway. We were going in. He's trying to pick up the chick behind the counter, talking, order all his food, went back, sat in the chair, and the, it was one of those metal chairs, and the leg just said, fuck it. It warped out. It just, no, it fucking said, fuck it and shot across the room.

You said, you said, tink, tink, tink, tink, because it was hitting shit. And he just was like, yep, your chair is fucked up and just grabbed the other chair. Did he even give a shit? He had zero shame. I've never seen anyone who has less. Was he really that big? I got on his huge. He was a huge guy. He was tall.

He was the only person you've ever met. You never met him at all. No, I actually, I was going to meet him because at the time they were doing the auditions at the comic strip. Yeah. That were doing the like this weird, you would do a set and then they would have a panel of Like you know headliners that we're gonna in pretty much insult you and then tell you if you're a passenger and Patrice was like One of his videos was like kind of getting really popular in the comedy scene

I think was one that he made of like Harrison Greenbaum made making fun of him just being like yeah, you gay dude And he's like no I'm not gay. He's like no, no, you gay. You know, like he just kept saying, and mine was like a couple weeks later and I was like, just freaking, I was a panic. I was like, there's no, I'm gonna, like, I was like, this guy's gonna murder me. And then, yeah, yeah. But God, please kill this guy before he has to.

Yeah. Please. Dave, now they're getting you. That's it. I'm gonna have a little more. Now they're laughing. We had a shake them out of it. Go get Libertas, everybody.

But I guess they don't work. They're very funny. Let me do this, a, I had a shake them out of it. Go get Libba Toss everybody. But, uh, yes, they don't work. They're very, very funny. Let me do this. Yeah, I had a real quick, uh, not to, not to stand by. Yes. Uh, go get Libba Toss and, uh, and Aaron's special too. Yeah. So I, too, it's not number one anymore because you got bumped.

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Colabria? Yeah, is that it? Colabrian chili? I'm not giving it to you. I was literally going to give it to you. Like, you're going to know, you're going to go, ah, you're from Jersey or Tai. Some are vegetables and egg panini with colabrian chili

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I tell you, bok choy is my favorite. You know why bok choy is so good as a veg hot hot ball? Bok choy, because you say bok choy. It's bok choy with a veg hot. It's because it's crunchy and slime. It's like the end of the tip of it. Like kimchi. Yeah.

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Yeah. That's Blue Apron.com. Blue Apron.com slash dude. Go there now. Blue Apron. I'll bet away to cook. David's got a special out right now on iTunes. You can get it on gasdigital.com. David's got a special out right now on iTunes.

You can get it on gasdigital.com. I mean, that's little network.com. That too. I sure for technical gas. Yes, it'll come up. It will come up. It's an energy. It's a company.

German company. It's the most political comic going today. I don't think I, I, I think you're a political comic, dude. I just think I like that you, yes. I don't think I think you're a political comic, dude. I just think I like that you. Yes, I don't think you just do political shit. No, I'm influenced by all you guys. I come up like looking up to like the tough crowd and like, you know, Insomniac and tough crowd to me were like that, you know, like I'm obsessed with politics. So that's what I ended up talking about. But my standup is about trying to be fucking funny and like, you know, just writing jokes and yeah, you're a funny guy, man. I watched clips of that shit and I was like, oh, talk about it. But my standard was about trying to be fucking funny and writing jokes and stuff.

Yeah, you're a funny guy, man. I watched clips of that shit and I was like, oh, you can see when somebody's doing something. I'm doing, I'm this person for this because that's my, I'm trying to get an audience. It's a funny thing, but you just politics right now are fucking hot, which is great for you.

But you're funny, man. I thought it looked great. You know, and you're talking about a network, a podcast network that produced this. You didn't go to, this why I fucking love it, Dave. You didn't go and ask permission. Well, dude, I was doing, I was doing, because I've done like a few of these interviews for doing, like, you know, to promote the thing. And they were asking me in one of these things the other day about like the history of Legion

of Skanks, like how we got started. And I really, I was giving you a ton of promote the thing. And they were asking me in one of these things the other day about like the history of Legion of Skanks, like how we got started. And I really, I was giving you a ton of credit, man. And it's really like you're our whole origin story. It's like Lewis was on this podcast, and he was a regular. And then you upgraded your studio, and you gave Lewis all your old equipment.

Oh, no, oh, yeah. And then he set up a fun, and then he was like, what, yeah, that's the story of Lee Tune of Skates. Yeah, that's a good time turning it. Can I borrow your zoom, eh? Is he for it? Yeah, that's the story of we two in the scary. Yeah. I was going to have a tour of him. Can I borrow your zoom, eh? Is he for you? Yeah, he borrowed. Give it back.

OK. Did he give it back? Yeah. Some, someone argue that you made him. That was me. That's when I was just set. Um, broke it up. I know.

I know. It's cool. It's like what you kind of, you kind of started leading the way. And then the whole thing on the East Coast podcasting. But like you said, it's like not having to ask anyone for your shit, like being able to like, go like directly to your fans. I was on, what happened was I was on ONA

and I was like, I love ONA, it was a great thing, but I was just like, this is somebody else's. Like I want my own thing. I just wanna do my, I love doing ONA, I love being on the show, but I wanted to do my own thing and have my own fuck. And I like new comics. You know, like I love my friends at the Moongalakollin, Vos, Keith, Norton, Burr. Those are my friends.

I mean, that's it. Those are my friends for life. You know, I'll fucking live and die by those guys, you know what I mean? No matter if we fight or not, Patrice, you know that, you know, and even Dane, I mean fucking live and die by those guys. You know what I mean? No matter we fight or not, Patrice, you know that, you know, and even Dane. I mean, look, Dane is in there too. It doesn't matter what happens to him what he does. I don't care. I'm fucking those of my, that's my crew that I fucking started with. But I like, I always liked hanging with fucking other comics, like newer comics that I would never, so that's when I started doing my show. I got exposed, you know, to Dan soda.

I remember Dan was the first one. I was doing it with Joey D having a blast and then Burr was the one was like, do your podcast yourself. Don't make it a thing. Don't make it. Don't just do your own show because it will be yours. That way, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it. If you want to do it, if someone says, I don't want to do anymore.

Fuck him. I mean, I remember Joe going, dude,. I'm gonna take this to the next level Do you want to be part of it and he was like nah? I don't know. I don't think and I was then he's like now I was like and it worked out for me But then he brought Dan Sodor on to her kind of replace Joe and I was like this guy's fucking who is this guy? I've fucking thought I love it damn like everybody does the second I met him You know, but- But all those guys too, when you first started,

I mean like really like Soda and List, all these guys were complete unknowns, had very little going on. I mean, I'd say like, they were funny young comics, but like you introduced them to an audience, like you know, it's like, it's a big thing. It's so funny though, man. I'm a Nate.

Nate was on my show, very quiet. Called them the sniper. Cause they would just sit there and say something, like 20 minutes in, you're like, wait, it was the most meanest, funniest fun ever. Nate, Nate, you have to sit there and you go, wait, is that retarded smart? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah. It's funny for a loop. Yeah, it was fucking funny. But I love that you didn't have to wait, you know, I mean, look, comedy center, we can- Bob, I gotta go, I'm love that you didn't have to wait you know, I mean look Comedy Central we got to go For what I'll tell you later is it what what what I'm talking about? No something else is it to give him 400 keys?

Yes When do we at Liz thanks coming on talking about the chip podcast the other best I love you. I love you I'll tell you about anytime. Yeah, come par cast. You're the best. I love you. I love you too. I'll talk to you about any time. Yeah, come on in time. You know that. Liz, I have a question. I never got a check from you. Can I come get it or too long?

There's too much time pass. I did that show at the fan black. It seems like an off air thing. $15. Yeah. Yeah, you can get it from the manager around the corner. Sweet. Are you going to do that tonight?

Yeah. Okay. Here's a baby. Yeah. OK. It's all relative. 15 to him is like 1,500. Yeah. Are you still coming back up here? No.

Well, yeah, I have to come back. I have to deal with the kick-and-jump. Now I feel like I insulted her. I'm not going to get the jump. What time are they coming on? We were, we did already. Hey, let me ask you a question. Yeah.

When are we going to be able to announce the thing thing soon? I don't know. We have to ask. You should ask him. Well, we're talking about something else now. OK. Why don't we be able to announce the thing thing soon? I don't know. We have to ask. You should ask him. Well, we're talking about something else now. Okay. Is it the other thing?

No, it's a EDS. We're having a conversation. I need to be a third party in a conversation. Can I bring another thing up? No, Dave. Nice to meet you. You are not allowed to. All right.

Love you all. Bye. Bye. Hey, Dave. Listen, man. Yeah, bro. It's called the radio tease I could tell whatever it is. You're very excited by because every time you bring it up you were licking your lips Yeah, I'm not going to get that check now. Why? Why I mean it's not she's gonna give you cash Go get your money. Don't be a fucking idiot. You got a kid. Where do I go get it? That's fuck around the block? Where's around the block?

I don't know What are we managing? Go find Liz again and go where's the money? One more question away from asking for 20% Yeah Dave, you're a fucking on fire You do! It was money Oh, damn, she's mad, Lauren That's a decent thing.

If they break up, it's gonna be so uncomfortable. No. Oh, yeah. But she's gonna have to still live there and pay me rent, so. That's where, yeah. No worries. No worries.

Just don't touch my stuff. And, uh, stay. What if you, I mean, you guys fucking went fast. I'm gonna say this, you guys really went fast. That's what fast that's what every couple likes the first place you guys made out my car At your wedding that's correct I'm burger's what yeah, she was all fucking horned up When I mean you guys I mean it's been under a year, right? They got married a year ago, right? So that was the first time,

we didn't really start dating right after that. We started dating a couple of years. Moving in together is pretty fast. But you know what it is? This is what happens, right? It is like, it is a little bit fast, you're right. But it's like New York just pushes you into it. It's like, probably we would move in together in six months.

But instead you're sitting there, you're like, we both have our own apartments. She's at my apartment every day of the fucking week. You're like what are we doing? We're just paying for another apartment that we don't use. Can you not give us the speech you gave her so you can save the fucking fucking. Seriously, the fucking dude. What are we doing here?

I'm doing him. I'm just like by the way, it's like a New York moving in with your girlfriend. It's like by the six things is like I love you. It's like yeah, and we can save more money. We'll be able to live in this day, right? And I guess I love you. So let's fucking do this.

It makes sense. Yeah. Are you saving a lot of money though? No, we're just getting a better note. I won't be able to live in this neighborhood and I guess I love you. So I let's fucking do this I You save it a lot of money though. No, we're just getting a better neighborhood We're just comfortable. Are you saving a lot of you moved out of the your place? I just moved out of here. We just got a place together in the East Village. Now is the place nice? Yeah, it's nice place Yeah, I'm making it very nice. Oh, so it's not nice. You're making it nice. No, it's nice I'm making it nice. Do you have it outside? We did there's like it's a shared backyard But we have like a little backyard. Is it like a dormant building? No no dormant. This is an apartment building not a dormant building

But this is shared yard. We love a car street from the hell's angels Blu-blu-blu-blu you shag fairs. Yeah, that's also. Yeah, it's a good, great, I hope. Yeah, blah, blah, blah, you shank fans. Yeah, whatever you got. All the chip fans, really. I'll cut it out. All the chips and all the skanks. Please show up. Who's giving us an apartment in Adria?

It's crazy. What's crazy is the door doesn't even lock all the way. So you can kind of just jiggle it. And if it is locked, the keys under the mat. mask. By the time I'm out between 10 and 6. What's that's over by Stingy Lulu's right? What's that? That's not it. Oh shit, I don't know.

I was just insulting Lewis Gomez. So that gets Stingy Lulu. I like it. That's it. That's it. That's killing it tonight. That's it. Just me. I can't believe it. This wasy willow. I like it. There they go. There's killing it tonight. Why is he not doing that? This was holding me back.

I'm not going to say that she left that. I'm not laughing it. If you watch the video back, people will watch it right now. Rewind it because you can do it now. I'm putting it back in the diapers or some shitheadies. Aaron, you do our much calmer. I'm literally not fake laughing at any of the things there. That's a habit when you have a daughter.

Are you really changed, man? Are you really in your head, buddy? That may be a little bit, yeah. I hear about the horrific misogynist shit he said for the last 10 years, I've known him. No, that hasn't bothered me at all. Well, shit. No, it's gone.

It's gone. Why don't you raise a kid, you're gonna raise a kid, how's it go, tell me. It's part of what you are. kid you're gonna raise a kid. How's it go tell me? I'm a part of it. You are. You're not gonna, you're not gonna raise your kid as this perfect version of how you think you would raise a kid. You would raise the kid. I've changed.

Yeah. Because I have a kid. You've changed. You're still gonna impart the wisdom that you have. I know you guys today talking about Uncle Paul on my, I was doing a stupid live Facebook thing, right? Now that's the podcast I wanted to see take off. Yeah, see I don't fuck with that shit.

I don't fuck with child more station. Yeah. It's just me. I don't care if you do. I'm not gonna go you're an asshole for laughing at it. Yeah. I don't give a fuck, but I don't fuck with it. I have a child.

Yeah. And I don't fuck with it. You know what I mean? Do I think nothing is funny? No, of course not, but I don't like the character. Yeah I don't like it. I don't like the character. Yeah, I don't like it's not a five foot to me. Well, I get that to like, like people give Gable shit, but like when Bonnie said the thing about like she doesn't like retard jokes. She's like got a sister who's like, you know, mentally handicapped. So it's just like, by the way, she's it's not that you couldn't make her laugh with one if you hit one. It's really great. It's just she's not really gonna do it because that's not like, or, and it doesn't mean you might have some other joke that's crazy offensive.

It's just not your thing. I just think that the pedal, look, if I made jokes, of course we've all done it, and I've done it, but since I had a kid, it made me, I don't think that's like the no apology thing. Remember that was big? It's like, oh, I'm sorry. I do think sometimes that I feel bad for

and I would like to apologize for. Yeah, it's like if it's a genuine apology, like I'll get a phony apology, but like any human, if you're a decent human being, you should not remove the idea of apologizing from your repertoire. Don't take it off the table entirely. We all should apologize sometimes.

There's gonna be something that my kid, my kid's gonna hear shit. I know that I said not knowing I was gonna have a kid. It's not. You mean it? He's gonna have to go, dude, what'd you do? And I don't have to go, yeah, dude, look, I said that. And this is why I said it and I was joking around.

And, well, can I? No, you put it in context. It's also you said it on an adult show for adults. It's not, well, I get what you're saying this pleasure, you said that you don't want your kid. Yeah, but the way we tell jokes is by being vulnerable and opening up and talking about real shit and trying to be as you know, we're not just we're not just making jokes all the time. We're we're we're really skirting that fucking line of

this is you know, yeah. Sick. So, I can't tell you some real crazy shit that my grandfather told me once. But you cute. No, but it's on the lines of the... I can make a child molestation. I got it, but I did it very subtle. Yeah, you went... It's on the lines of the child molestation.

Are you coming help grandpa Phyllis Pipe? He used to be a police officer, so one time they took in this like, serial child molester and they had him in like the interrogation room and the guy just zero remorse, you know, for anything like that. And my grandma literally had to say, my grandma like, he was like, I asked me, he was like, what, like, I have to, like, what is it about it that you just, like, insist on throwing your whole life away and ruining these children's life for. And the guy, his response was actually, he goes, have you ever had sex with a young boy? My grandfather was like, yeah, no, of course not. And then he was just like, it feels amazing.

He's like, you have no idea how good it feels. My grandfather was like, all right, well, we're just gonna leave you here for a while. That's how it works though. You're saying you go in, not attracted to young boy at all, but once you feel it, it's like the greatest thing. I think this dude is just off his rocker. But that's what I'm saying, but to say that with such conviction, be like, it's like just

trying fish. If you try it, you'd love it. You know, you have a good Cedar Plank salmon and an eight-year-old and you'd go nuts. A Cedar Plank salmon. It's real. That's a really fucking hard thing to wrap your head around. And an eight-year-old and you'd go nuts. A theater plane? It's real. That's a really fucking hard thing to like wrap your head around. Sorry. I was still troubled by the child's life.

Wait, what's theater plane salmon? So we had to prepare salmon. Make it on this nice top-stop-stop-stop-sater. If you Google that I'll break it. Why? Because you've Googled nothing I've asked you. I've said a million things. She's talked about a ton,

and you go, what's Google playing salmon? I'm a big fan of David. David, do you want some sea to Blake salmon? After I sweep up with the swiffer, I clean and cook. I, I golden on the Y K top and you dig. Yeah. David, sit out and I'll bring you your TV table so you can watch your

Hannity I know I'm too busy working on a ship show but a Bobby show I can go go recipe Listen I think I look like I said though I don't I don't I don't fucking I would never hate somebody if they thought something terrible was funny. If it's funny, I don't give a fuck what you laugh at, but I just, I've never condoned that character. I had to do, it hit me when I was doing his, there's a photo of it too, I have somewhere. When he asked me to do his vice show,

and I just said yeah, because he's a friend of mine, and then I show up and the wardrobe was a diaper and a bonnet. You don't have the picture? I do. And I'll get it for you. Okay. And I fucking...

Baby here. I was a baby vice. And I was resting on GoPro. And there was one point. Oh, well, I put them in cuffs. And I'm like, I'm baby Well, I put him in cuffs. And I'm like, I'm baby via, I spit the little pacifier out. And I go, get against the wall, baby vice.

And I push him down to the ground and he goes for my diaper. And I was just like, this is not right. Like, I don't feel good. Like, I have a kid. And I was just like, I don't. I was like, you know what? And they never heard it. I was like, if they hear, I get it. I get the funny of it was just like, I don't. I was like, you know what? And they never heard it. I was like, if they hear, I get it.

I get the funny of it, you know what I mean? But I was just like, eh, certain things you just like, what the fuck, you know? I don't want my kid to see me, you know? Fucking child molestation. I don't know. I don't know. That's a weird world we live in.

Look, everything's funny. I've laughed at shit. I got it. But there's nothing that you will regret ever that your kids seeing. Are you saying I mean I haven't gone through all My stuff. I'm sure that there's some stuff. That'll be like, oh, I wish this wasn't on the internet But it's behind the paywall Well, I mean, buddy. It's a different world now like

I'm sure if we got, if our dad's lives were recorded and all the shit that they did at parties and stuff, I mean, you know, I mean, we, you know, it's crazy. It's so, Imagine Richard Pryor having a podcast or a video blog or a fucking just jumping on Instagram going, this bitch has a dick. You know what I mean? Thousands of hours of that, not only. Video blog or fucking just jumping on you know Instagram going this big Thousands of hours of that not only to that's I get slight like panic attack if I think about that in the future

I'm like oh everything I've said ever said even like every Social media thing I've ever posted like any the soon as the kids old enough to have the dexterity to use Google He can just do a Google searcher me and find to have the dexterity to use Google. He can just do a Google search of me and find. And you're like, nothing. It's after Carson Bailey. That was good. Got stepped down, but it was fun.

No one was, I listened. It was good. He's not really, he's a little off tonight. He's a little energy, but the joke was there. Yeah, you're timing's off with other people. You're really just thinking about your thoughts. I'm jumping in. He jumped on me.

He jumped on me. Yeah, the sleep is a little off. It's a little off. What's the schedule like right now? I should leave. What are you leaving for? and he jumped on me. He jumped on me. Yeah, the sleep is a little off. It's a little off. I should go. I should go. I should leave. Why?

What are you leaving for? You know, he's leaving for my head. I gotta get a 15 bucks. I gotta get a 15 bucks now. And I don't even want to get the 15 bucks. She give me this fucking attitude about the 15 bucks, you know? Well, maybe I don't even want the 15 bucks. Can I just say something?

You came out of the gate about a check. Yeah. And we all thought it was like five bills, a thousand. Yeah. We all were like shit. That was just, you said a check. And it's not like, they told me it was a check.

That's why they never paid me on the night. Okay, but it was a little like, you came out of the gate like, with your attitude, I was like, can you pay me? Yeah. Like, hey, you fucking nickel chaser. Can I get my check? We're like Jesus Liz give me money

She let us all know that she's not a fucking twat. Yeah, you've 15 dollars Is around the corner you can get it whenever you want like you Yeah, it's not like they were holding they sell out nine They sell out nine, 42 shows a week. The biggest issue with you getting your $15 is whether that waitress has changed. Do you have a five-hundred? No, I'll come back in a couple of weeks. Yeah. So, I mean, I think maybe it was me.

Yeah, maybe your tone came out of the gate a little hot on that $15. Jesus Christ. I feel better now, thanks. Yeah, go get it. that. $15. Jesus Christ. That's real better now, thanks. Yeah, go get it. Get that $15. Go buy some fucking diapers on the way home. Those diapers are great. Those little small.

Buy Christine some flowers. She doesn't get anything more. Flowers. What's that thing? That she's done? Why? Come on. I should get a more in it now.

Push, present. Push, present. Yeah, I got it. I got hats with the baby's name on it. She didn't like them. She wanted jewelry. What'd you get your wife for a push present? Push, present. Yeah, I got it. I got a hats with the baby's name on it. She didn't like them. She wanted jewelry What'd you get your wife for a push present? Push presents. It's like a term they use for pushing me. Yeah, my wife don't do that. Oh shit. Yeah We don't we didn't get married the way you get my wife has black friends

So all of her black friends are like you make sure it gets you a push gift and they all said that and they're like make sure you get a push gift I'm like what's that and they're like some nice jewelry and I was like, it's just a bridge. I'm gonna get jewelry Yeah, I don't we let's cuz usually it's the last time they see the kid so they just give them that It's kind of going away present Congrats on the kid lady Good job, lady girl. We're married, not no mold. I don't know, I'm glad my wife.

My wife is not in any of that traditional portion. That just don'ts the best. She is a cool bride. She's real cool. Matt, too, you're in aversary today. Yeah, you're in today. Really? Congrats. We was gonna go out to dinner. What happened? She's real cool. Matt, you're in aversary today. Yeah, you're in today. Congrats.

We was gonna go out to dinner. What happened? And we're upset. We invited you to a podcast. Oh, you did this instead? You dumbed. They're gonna make up for it. They'll make up for it.

We did it in your second half. We did it in your second half. Yeah, she'll be there. We did, where's she going? With all this? Come on. No, we did dinner last night. It was a whole thing instead.

She always says, put the career first, and she'll say that until she leaves. She's a good check. Yeah. That's good. I mean, you gotta get a girl like that. That's the trick is you gotta get a girl who understands your career.

Especially at the beginning when you're building something. Because it's very hard. It's hard. It's easy once you have something to see it. It's very hard to find a chick who believes in something that's not there yet. That's like, okay, I believe you're gonna create something. You think it, it's very hard to find a chick who believes in something that's like not there yet. That's like, okay, I believe you're gonna like create something. You think it's harder for a girl to find a guy who does that?

Yeah. Really? Because I think there's something about being a comedian and being a good successful comedian is like, in itself a very like sexy thing to a chick. It's like you go out and control the room every night. You're like the one, it's like, that's, it's not, I don't think the same thing to a guy. To a guy I think more like, it's like, oh, you go out in front of all these guys every night.

You're like, I would, well, your wife is a comedian. Yeah. And your girl is starting to be a comedian. Is that ball of you? No, no, not at all. Oh my God. You can go for it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you paying the rent more than you were the rock going yeah really I'll figure out the right you figure out

starting a life with the rock both take those bets I got all the money on you hey I cut down on eating out how'd you figure yours out at the end of this go I was outside of his house for the last month turns out I'm not the only woman interested in the rock. No, Lauren is, you are hilarious.

No, I'm not saying I don't, it doesn't, it's not a problem. It's not a turn on for me. Not yet. It's not a, like, if Lauren's torn with Lauren, Lauren, she's bringing home money. Lauren's going to talk with Lauren, Lauren's going to make some money. Yeah, she comes up and make that money and she comes on

She's listen, I gotta take a nap. I love you. Do you oh you go do the skanks thing how are they doing? They're good I love you guys pay wall Oh, that's all you guys got rapids Jackson get the Amazing love it listen, I'll call I gotta take a nap. No one wants to meet me We got to go over some tour dates at around five. So I have to cancel it then with us. But I'll be honest, all I'm hearing it, I'm pretty psyched. We got rampage Jackson.

I'm ashamed of my mother for this. Who got his rampage? That looks, that's a character. That's the worst. I, I don't know, in my, in my bar, the you, if she be, what if Warren literally becomes fucking huge. No, it's not gonna happen. You mean fat? You said literally huge.

That's definitely gonna. Another one make me happy if she pulls up for stuka on you. God, it's never gonna happen. Fucking chubby. Dingo, that's a badminton. Before I do. Bring me more dingo wings, David. I'm so hungry.

Well, I would handle it the same way why KWD handled the fist to go Sit your show center center out of the country You're just center to go get health care in Australia Fat ass guinea from Queens Dude it is I mean your wife to the bother you the wife does comedy No, you love it. It's she's getting funny or fun hereased a bother you. Your wife does comedy? No, of course not. You love it? Yes, she's getting funnier and funnier. It's great to watch.

She does this one bit where she looks for the doctor's opener stomach up. Yeah, I love this pride. If Don ever, ever said she was gonna do anything in this business, I would leave her. Really? I'd leave her. I couldn't.

Yeah, she has a kid to raise. She's not even that. I would leave her. I feel the way you do. I couldn't feel the way she has a kid to raise. She's not even that. I would leave her. I feel the way you do. I just never, I would never. And it's not a woman thing. I don't give a fuck. I don't care.

It's, I, I, I, it can only be one drama momer in my relationship. I can't. This game is crazy. I can't, I can't deal with walking in a room and seeing my chick Fucking laughing with Keith Robinson and Jim Norton and then I walk in and I oh, what's up? I'm what's up, hey? Second one second Jim. What? I'll fucking I fucking I'd flip out. That's like jealousy

Well, the other jealousy my wife is just it's just the type of person I like. And I'm, you know, my wife likes me because of what I do and how I am. You know what I mean? She could have got a plumber that had a nine to five and didn't was head stage fright and didn't fucking want to do a thing and just wanted to be home with and be fan.

She liked what I am. I liked what she is. She just fucking loves being home, loves being with me, loves being with the kid now and us, you know? I'm blown away by the comics that can date each other successfully just because to me, I always think of that, like, you know, I guess there's the positives where you could drive each other,

but it seems like it would be a lot of animosity or like a lot of tension underneath to be like, oh, where are you going? You're like, oh, I got like four spots tonight. Were you? And you'd be like, I guess I'll hit a mic, you know what I mean? And then it's like, and then if one person ever wants to quit comedy, and then there's that thing,

and then like one of them has to quit, and then be like, now you can tell they kind of want you to quit too, and there's that, you know what I mean? Like, but, I don't know. A lot of projection in your mind, but stuff that hasn't really happened. No, for sure, that's what I said. It's like, are you talking to yourself right now?

I get that in turn a long time. You said that I'll laugh. Don't listen to him. Don't listen to him. At the end of the minute, it's $15. I need it. You know, we might be a still year. That 15 bucks could be running right now.

It's like when you watch a sitcom and you can hear one of the characters thanking you. Yeah. I didn't realize we were in that guy's half-full time. And that was my last summer at school. I don't know. I mean, it's fucking, I look at some women can't, like I know comics, and I don't know any girl comics that dated guys that couldn't handle it.

I've never heard that story, but I've heard it. I know it exists. I know that girl comics complain a lot about the fact that like, it's much easier for a guy to like get laid off of comedy. I don't think it's fucking horseshit. I think that I do. I you fucking nuts. Well, this is any girl comic I believe can go on stage anywhere and get raised at whoops. You're not of laughter that. And there went. No, Bobbie, it was an adult, you're laughing laugh at this one. Listen, I just don't want to be a film laughing at it.

Yeah, shit. No, I hope that's the one that takes you down. I'm just the one literally he's on, welcome to he entertainment. We're alive at the Oscars and they have you going to raping or Get the floor drops out from there just fall into a fire Hot fucking just tumble Big day you just back here doing spots people every year on everybody's podcast

Dude lose to call you immediately you're gonna be a leisure skunk this week Only way to save your career We have 7,000,000,000,000 people that listen to us I just got my check for this month from gas station. Did I make $7 million off of the network? Yeah, doggy. I can't hear you. I'm on the board. I'm on the board to the back.

I know guy comics though. I think a girl comic can walk into a club. I don't think so. That a girl comic walk. No, it's what I'm saying you don't think so, did a girl comic walk into a club? No, it's what I'm saying. Hang out and get laid. They can get laid the same amount they could before they got on stage,

is after they got on stage. Like I don't think there's anything else about like, like okay, look, I would like to. When I, if I wanted to like, if I saw Lauren for the first time, I was like, oh, I want to fuck that chick. She could go kill or bomb. If I still didn't want to fuck her,

the same thing, she's just a little trash. I don't know if it, I feel like it'd be more because she's now now There's a power element where she's controlling a room and that's kind of hot. I don't I find nothing hot about that I thought it's like if you're asking Fuck guys got to do this read real quick. Can you bring up teeth? I want to get it says you make a good point I do want to get back into this where you going? P in all right good. You're not leaving right really if you need to 15 bucks I'll fuck you.

I'll fucking... I need this. This got.com is one of our greatest sponsors and I use them all the time. I actually just bought these two new ones. I bought this movie right here, Lonesome Dove. It's one of my, it's probably one of the greatest movies of all time.

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And this horror monster movie is full of action, adventure and modern times. And it comes out this week. Get your copy. Click the logo found on my homepage, right? It has .com slash the wrong fucking thing again. Let me see. God damn it. Robert Kelly. God, damn it. We can we stop doing this. Wow. That's that's what. Okay. you're not reading the nonsense. Yeah, but no Sorry, your girl can't take you didn't tell me you know what what I'm sorry. That's my fault Okay, that's all and then I stop no, I'm sorry. You haven't learned to deal with me yet All you have to go is no, I got it. I got it. I got it. I did that did I not do it? It was great. I'm done

Okay, I loved it I mean so easy deal with me. I am literally fucking Seven seconds away from being as dumb as mud. I got it, you're good, just keep going, all right? I go, okay, and I'm not. But when you wanna fight me, I go, fuck you, you're fucking wrong. Yeah, right? I'm with you.

No, that's really my fault, though. It is your fault. It is. DeepDiscount.com. It's, I actually use it all the time. The mummy's right there. It was a good movie. And right now it's only $17.99.

And you can buy it on it, watch it when you want at DeepDiscount. Thank you, DeepDiscount. And thank you, Lauren, for treating me the way I like to be treated. I actually got to fight with my wife today for the first time in a long time. Woof, you fight with your wife, of course not.

Fucking happy wife. Well, I'm a lucky person that I got somebody that is, it was raised in a way, raised in a household that also had a lot of, like we both grew up in a household with fighting a lot. So she has kind of has this thing where she can't go to bed when less that it's resolved. So whether that takes hours or minutes,

so it actually kind of is good because it never festers into it. Do you so you fight? It can't not barely though. But you do fight. Yeah, once in a while. How long have you been married? Two years.

How long have you known each other? Twelve years. And you know, you never said fuck you to your wife? Sure. I mean, we fight. I mean, it's not like that though. It's more just like we get. We never said fuck.

We get. We get. Go fuck yourself. Have you ever said you know what fuck off? No, I don't think so. Not unless there was some absolutely shit face drunk haze thing, but not really you never have you not really or you never have I don't I can't remember that I've never told my wife to have you that was good That was like testifying and cool. Yeah Can you define telling her to fuck off? Can you ever call me my wife or can you define telling her to fuck off? I'm just saying look you know if you do

His wife's real sweet. You know if you're doing you don't and I didn't I was just trying to say I don't want you to feel like Yeah, I feel like you feel like you have to he's gonna be on he news Bobby. Yeah, I'm not no I said we very rarely fight we never I've never told her to fuck off. I've never right Yeah, get your wife on the phone Bob is gonna tell her to fuck off. I've never. Right. Get your wife on the phone. Bob is going to tell her to fuck off. She's got to hear it. I don't think that's a great thing. I think that's better than telling your wife to fuck off. You tell your wife to fuck off?

I have. We've got into fights. But you don't like still now. We didn't see it. Even now with the kid and like when you're all you're you're a calmer than you used to be. I'm a little bit. You're a little more well adjusted.

I was very excited today. My therapist was away for a month. We haven't fought in a while. Oh, that's beautiful. And the kid does bring down the fights because when, here's the thing, the year that she got pregnant, I was a fucking lunatic.

I lost friends. Literally, I lost friends. I stuck. I fucking lost friends. Two years after she had the baby, I was fucking a nightmare. I was just a mess. And now in this fourth year, I'm finally, I get it.

I get it, everything's gonna be all right. I'm gonna be fine. Everybody's cool, he's not gonna die. He's not gonna hit my truck, nobody's gonna fuck. He's not gonna fall. He has enough cancer. Everything's okay. I don't have to do anything.

There's no more go-fun me's happening. I'm not, you know, bad things aren't happening to me, you know. So, but it was stressful. So it's a little less stressful now. I'm very, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Why'd you guys fight today? She came in the room and fucking, you know, we had the first day of school and, you know,

preschool and we were all, you know, every teacher is in the greatest teacher. Every doctor doesn't, there's some doctors that are fucked and then you meet these teachers and you're coming in and you, you know guys, I had a good one, is that a bet? You know what, you're a kid to get the best and sometimes they don't. But we did, we got good teachers today after the fact

but we were a little nervous, a little stressed out, you know, and we get back to the house and she's like, she's stressed out, I'm? And we get back to the house and she's like, she's stressed out. I'm kind of chilling in my office. You know, I'm drinking a coffee, checking some iPhone, new iPhone shit, watching some news. And then she comes in and it's, you know,

and I'm like, okay, cool. It's because I don't want to buy anymore of the bullshit. We spoil Max, I think, you know? But fuck it, I never, you know, I didn't. So fuck off. We don't make him a douchebag. He earns presents. He can earn something by learn, like, I, you want to, he wanted these legal things. I was like, yeah, you can earn it. Learn to spell your name. Two days, you got two days to spell your name. If you can spell your name, then you, I'll buy you that shit. That, you know what I mean? So that's

why we do it. But he has a lot of shit. I don't want to do it. Okay, fine. No more $5 right aid, fucking horse shit things. And he doesn't need something. Okay, I agree with you. I go, look, I'm going to sell, I think I'm selling my drums. I have a Roland TD 30, the Rolls Royce of Electric drums.

And in my head, I'm like, I think I might sell them. I was on the show, the show's over. They were great, you know, I might, and I was like, I'm thinking I'm gonna go just a regular drum kit. Now, she snapped. She's like, no, you're not, you're not a drummer, okay? And she said that shit.

And I, and she goes, you're not gonna, you're not gonna be the band, okay? Blah blah blah, and I went, listen, you know, fucking, look at, my dreams Blah blah blah. And I went, listen, you know, fucking, look at my dreams bought this fucking house. You and my mother said the same shit about comedy. She said everybody said the say, you know, I was like, you know, your point is you are going to be in a band. I tell you this, you are really good at drums. I'm not, but I'll, if you said to me, fucking dude, here's a deal. I didn't play the drums at 44, okay?

And then I learned how to play the drums for a TV show. And I, you know, could I be in a band? Yeah, the worst band in existence. I mean, literally boot off everything. Yeah. But still, even like, I mean, have it like playing music if it like brings you some sense of like, pieces satisfaction.

You know, more about the kid. I want the drum kit. I want him to, I want him to play drums. Yeah, that's fun for a little boy too. They like that. But see, do you, now, she, her whole thing, she didn't let me finish because my, she, she's so fucking,

because the drums are fucking, a seventh, there are eight thousand dollar drum sets. Yeah. I wanted to sell those and buy a $300 drum kit. She has no concept of real acoustic drums or fucking the Questlove kit that I wanted. It was $300. So I'm literally gonna have,

if I sell them for five grand, I'm gonna have $4,700. She's gonna come out and make a profit off. I'll buy her a fucking push gift. One show is one. Regular. There's an electric guitar for the baby. The regular drums are way better than electric drums, fuck electric drums man.

Yeah, I know. I pull a export still down at home. They were great. I love the, for what I was doing, we had a kid, but they're just too much for me now. I am not, you know, whatever. But I was, she was like, you know, I said, don't fucking tell. She's like, but, and then I go, fuck, I go, I go, fuck that. I'll fucking do what I want, what I want, when I want, whatever the fuck I want.

I'll fucking buy the baddest fucking drum kid ever. And I'll become the fucking, the leader of a bit. I don't give a, I just lost it. And she just slowly shut the door and walked away. But I went to the room right away and I was like, look, what the fuck are we doing? I go look at it, I go, let me finish. She's like, I go, you can't trigger me like that.

You know I'm gonna fucking snap. If you say don't, you can't do blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You know, I'm gonna fucking snap. I'm gonna immediately go into defend mode, fuck off. And, you know, and she's like, I know, I'm gonna fucking snap. I'm gonna immediately go into the fan mode, fuck off. And, you know, and she's like, I know, I just blah, blah, blah. And I go, look, I get you. I understand what you're saying.

Let's, I'm cool with what you're saying. I apologize, I should never talk to you like that again. Yeah. That's good of you. Yeah. That's big of you. Well, see, you made me, you made me just think about it. Cause now I, I really, I never, I wanna amend what I said earlier,

definitely never yelled the way I fight is I get lower and get her to get angrier. I kinda, it's worse to me. I know, it is, because that's how my, like that's what my mom would do to me to piss me off. So that's the way I fight. It's very passive. So like if she'll like get mad about something

and then she'll yell, I'll be like, I don't know why you're yelling, it's really embarrassing. And then she's like, what the fuck, you know what I mean? Like that, but I've never raised my voice like ever. I kind of like fucking yell, I like fighting. I never used to until this relationship. Now we argue, we argue for real,

and then we take a few minutes and we go, look, I shouldn't have said this, you should. And then we, and that makes our relationship stronger. That's why we have a strong, but I never used to argue, and that's why my relationships would last. I'll say this, it's not healthy to scream in yelling. Not to scream in yelling.

It's healthy to actually evolve, and like our fight today was evolved. But usually when you're screaming and yelling, it's because you weren't saying something when it was an issue. It's because you've like been furious about this for a while, and then when it like comes out, it's like,

like I think that's the airing of the grievances. I maybe you're right. I mean, look, I maybe run her on today, but not mine. I was having a great, I was drinking my coffee, fucking around and she came in and triggered me. She knew by saying, you can't, you can't and you won't. That shit to me is like fuck off. Well, no, I've been fucking every step of this fucking career

was can't and won't. You know what I mean? Every saving this network was can't and won't. You know, my pie, everything is can't, they're better, this is better. You'll never, fuck off. You know what I mean? It may take me longer, but I'll get there, you motherfucker. You know what I mean? It may take me longer, but I'll get there, you motherfucker.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Seriously. So, one person that likes being told, like, or that is okay with being like, yeah, you're never gonna, you're not doing that. Like, like, a person who's just like,

oh, no one. Forest go. Yeah, but I think. And I kept, no. What? Run in. Well, finishing. Oh, I got it.

Run in. Yeah, Iize it from I can't Bobby snap this has so quick I couldn't let it out I can't even Now if Dave just All be no guys I'm doing that Come on to be or not to be, I had a dream. That's a surprise. I'm okay, dog.

You're the man. Are you really standing on it? I'm standing on it. Why? There you go, Bobby. I like him. There you go. Buddy, he's better than Deepu. Can I give you $5 if you go pick Bobby. I like him. There you go. He's better than Deepu.

Can I give you five dollars if you go pick up my 15 dollars? That seems like a lot to pay someone for you. I just don't want to go. It's embarrassing for me now. You should be embarrassed. I should. I don't even work that club. So then it's like a whole thing. Not anymore. Especially after that. I never did. Hey, can I get that money you owe me that ate $15 I can I pick up my salary later Lauren you're fucking troubled dude Dave you're in trouble. Yeah, everybody loves Lauren. I agree. I get it. Is one right here. If you smell what my wife is.

And he's been. What is happening? It is like that. It gets back. You don't think he was like, Lem, what's his chip thing about in Google that? No. Honey. Yeah, you really just letting your fantasy spill out. was like, what's this chip thing about in Google that? No, honey. Yeah, you really just letting your fantasy spill out. And you don't think it then maybe you was like, oh, that's cute, cute. Let me check out her Instagram.

The man called me and asked me not to fuck his lady. It doesn't matter what Dave Smith told me not to do. Uh-huh. Good. Yo, Cheg is delusional. She thinks the rock knows her. I don't think that's the fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah a lot. Yeah, but Jared fucking stalked him I mean there is probably a disproportionate ratio of Yeah, that was like I don't know he turned back at a fear when he was like I better like get this guy off me Yeah, there's no way there that's like I have this fucking old lady in Jersey that I'll tweet back once in a while my mother That'd be a great fucking cheat Did she don't done with your mom She is the best. Yeah, he does it. I will just tweet him right now.

Just tweet the rock. Just go, hey, thanks for the video last night. Love you, Laura. Love you, Laura. Yeah. And then right, and then right, Tim. Tim, right, Tim, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, Right to see if you're not gonna know what that means. Just hey if you know if you know if you know what that means He doesn't know you Okay, just tweet it, but show me the tweet before you send it so you don't misspell it

Let me I gotta I gotta pay attention here to what it's a way say you say hey hey Hey, thanks for the hey Thanks, hey, hey rock the rock, at the rock. Okay. Hey, at the rock, thanks for the video message last night. Personalized. No. What?

No, don't say that. Just say thanks for the video message last night. Love. And then say a video message for chip. No, for you Don't put chip because that means he's gonna put it together Let's see what you do to you just thanks for the video message last night XO Oh, he and say did I'm not putting XO

Why I have a boyfriend that I love he doesn't care he does if she put XO would you be mad? I'm not gonna that's embarrassing to me. You know, you know why he's not gonna be mad? I'm not going to. That's embarrassing to me. You know, you know why he's not going to be mad? Cause he's not going to respond. He's not going to see it. He doesn't know. You just do it. Go ahead.

I have a feeling he's going to respond now. A few responds, Dave. You're done because the I'll just let you out off the hook with that one. That's like when the, you know, there's a big like those small fight cards. Don't fuck you. FC off. I don't want you to. But you want.

I don't want you to. Hey, at the rock big like those small fight cards. Don't fuck you. UFC off. Don't you want. Okay. I don't want you to talk. Hey, at the rock. Thanks for the video message. I might do an exclamation point. Say last night because he's not going to know what that means. But does he know what was last night? The other one you think she friends, I don't fucking think so.

Yeah, talk to your boy, the rock. Yeah. You tell me. You tell me what's he like. God, put it next. Oh, not putting in an exo. What are you gonna put an exclamation point? What does that mean? She's screaming at him. I'm just put it. Just put it. No, you know what you do. You put the you put the emoji with the kissing heart face. No, I have a boyfriend that I love.

Right that too. That you don't say sorry rock. It's off the table. There's no way you love each other. Oh, come on. No way we love each other. What do we do? What do we do?

That's six months. Six months. It's substantially longer than six months. How much? Ten. That's almost double. All right, I'm taking bets right now. You can't love someone in ten months. No, you can't. taking bets right now. You can't love someone.

I went months. No, you can't. Oh, come on. What is love? You could fall in love. No, no. Okay. No.

You can. Aaron, yes. What do you think you can fall in love prior to that? Prior to what? Ten months. You can fall in love right away. Yeah. I'm gonna make a bet right now.

A hundred dollars. It doesn't last. Oh. I'm gonna make a bet right now. A hundred dollars. It doesn't last. Oh, it's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun.

It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun.

It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. Do this should I just like do this as insurance? Well, no, 200 dollars, 200 dollars from the time that they if they last two years or two years from today from a two years 100 dollars here's the thing. Oh each a couple of years ago. I would have stayed together because they're cuts Stayed together just Hate each other for a year and a half we collect the money and then we're like

We collect the money and then we're like, tank golf is here. It's your average. He's probably been together three years and they already have a kid. Aaron and his wife. Me and my wife. Yeah, that's gonna end too. That's our next question.

You know how many people said that to me too, especially when I started comedy too, the amount of people that were like, dude, you got a girlfriend, you're starting comedy, no way that lasts. I moat a steak dinner by somebody who was like, you're never making it. It's raw way.

Yeah. Did you tweet him? No. Do it. Do it. I'm just going, hey, at the rock, thanks for the video message. No, actually, he's not going to,

that's such an out of, he's going to think you're a crazy person. Yeah, you got to say thanks for the message last night. Last night. The video message. I said video message. Thanks for the video message. At the Village Underground where they

are on air, of bird 15 dollars Please bring that up Underground owes him 15 dollars just just put last night. It's helping you All right, I don't put it. All right. I put it All right, I went a fucking okay. Hey the raw after rock. Thanks for the video message last night. Great. Hit it. Sam. Just keep the 15 dollars there. Sam, excuse me. Back in the building. Did you send it? Yes. This is embarrassing. Why is it embarrassing? What? And here's the problem with her. This is why she's a lunatic. If he responds, she's going to be off the fucking charts.

What a new. It's not going to be. Look let me, first of all, look, I'm friends, I met Captain America, Chris Evans, okay? We talked, he gave me his number, he's like, dude, can I give him an absolutely, we talked, we hung out, Patriots fan Boston, family's the best, and then I texted him, good meat. I forgot to put meeting you. I put good meat.

Done. And then, didn't hear from him for a year. You hear? Fucking shh. What's the name? Schwartz. Schwartz and nigga? No, I'll be back.

What's the guy, the comic? Rob Schneider? No, the thin guy, he's a comic. Mike Vini. No, no, he's a he's a comic Mike Vini no guard sports no not he's the fucking the guy he's kind of uh kind of wiggory dude uh still know a garden shorts no no wait no I thought the thing that is who I was thinking I'm fucking losing my you know he is kind of, you know, he's got a big, they have a beard. No, he's clean cut. Good looking guy. By the wig. He's from here. He performs here all the time.

The seller. He was on the, yeah, he was on the Andrew. So, Andrew. So, yeah. Shultz. Andrew. Shultz was on this show and said to me, you text him right now. Uh, fuck off. Yeah. Oh, yes, I remember that. Did you? Thanks for helping me with all this. Did you?

She remembers the Chris Evans stories. Doesn't matter. The worst producer ever. What do you think it was for? Could you help get off the phone? I'm just checking this thing. I'm just checking this thing. I'm just checking this thing.

Here's the thing. Yeah, it was going to say first off, what happened? What happened? He responded. When you said fuck off. He's okay. And then he goes, wait, wait, two minutes and then repite. Oh, sorry wrong person. How you doing, bro? It wasn't Andrew Schultz and but I'll find out who it was. It was Andrew. I promise you it wasn't I

Listen shut your fucking fence double was Andrew $200 bet. I'll make you a $5,000 I'll bet you that you have to move out of Dave's house. No, don't really get relationship. Listen, I gotta get my hundred bucks back. Yeah. This is all just a ruse to bring you to the good. It was in the shows because it would annoy me

that it was him. Trust me, because he was so confident. You know, he's got the confidence of a Brad Pitt that guy. And he was of a Chris Evans. Dude, he, he, he, he don't tell me what I know. How are you going to live with this? I, he, he, he responded right away. He's a kid.

I can't believe that word. He, he fucking do what's up. Filming in Atlanta, Captain America with soldier. We talked for a little bit. I was like, oh, going to comics, come home with you. Blubble, blah. And then that was it. I fucked up again. I a little bit. I was like, oh, going to comics, come home with you. Blabber blot and then that was it. I fucked up again. I typed something else.

It was awful. Cause I fucked. Here's the thing still about the Chris Evan story was Captain America still not the rock. No, because you know they kept the America's up with the rock. No, rock. No. No, no.

No, no. You find me one person who doesn't like the rock. The rock. Do you like the rock? Bonafide. Of course doesn't like the rock. The rock. Do you like the rock? Bonafide. Of course, everybody likes the rock. Your boy is a pretty boy movie star with a decent. I'm not.

He's made decent. You have a decent. No, he has a decent bill. You have a decent bill. That guy next to me, when I'm fucking ready for a contest, the guy can't stand next to me. You do contest. I'll do a contest. What a jack off contest.

I'm doing a building contest. What are you doing right now? Contest. You're going to take it off. I'm pulling up. I'm pulling up. Seeders. Seeders.

Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. Seeders. That is him. That's Captain America. Oh, I thought you were talking about the Chris Hemsworth. Yeah, this guy's an okay shape. He's on growth hormone. Okay, shape. Yeah, okay shape. You can tell the nipple is a blackened hematry in proportion. What is it? And that's growth hormone and steroids.

Is it really? Yeah. How do you tell? Because you can tell by the thickness of the skin and how it covers the muscle. He's not naturally like that. And the nipple is burning down. Yeah, look,. That's right. That's right. He's doing Roy. You give me a cycle of wind stroke. Look, this is a blowbottom. He's in good shape there. He's caught. He's watched his diet. Nice abs. I like the way he

brought it together there. He's there. He perked up. Post-baked hair. The first. first also not showing the legs you guys are I know you're hiding them with jeans you know you got a laser pointer if you see on oh shit look at that there

that's not his face that's photoshop sorry guys that's me that's a real pod that's a real bodybuilder let me see me see what what about Ryan Reynolds in blade Trinity Reynolds. He was shredded dude. Go to Ryan Reynolds blade Trinity. That is the best body I've ever seen in my life hands down Reynolds is he's in great shape. I think body he may you know, he's not big enough that it's juice

But a three percent body fat look at that. Yeah, man. I mean in great shape, but know, he's not big enough that it's juice, but a little bit of a bag. Three percent body fat. Look at that. Yeah, man. I mean, in great shape, but again, it's like, I heard you have a really good fitness physique and then it's muscular. But I've heard you shoot the HGH shit into his abs because that's the only way you get on that body.

You shoot it into your lower abdominal reach. To get the, to get the, because I know how guys shoot HGH. Well, you're a black and white down the bottom right to the right. That's a mental. Yeah. I had that. Those abs are great. That he's cut his water for two days there. So that three three percent body fat. Yeah. Go to sexy dang cook photo. It's a top of the in gotten shape for a while.

I have go on sexy dang cook. Uh, uh, nude. Dude. Type see if it comes up. Why does it see if it comes up? I'm Bobby's computer. What the fuck? That one is a left is awful. Then the one on the right with it. Third one?

Yeah. That one, that one. That was the major faggot face. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who's he doing sex with there? I mean, he's pretty in shape there. He's in good shape there. That's like a swimmer's body.

That's natural. What is the bag of chip thing? Yeah. What is that? Is that a show? Is there a show? It must have been like a movie or something. It's in horrible shape there.

He's all hairy. I agree. Mm. That was after I was there. Tip in Bobby Kelly nude. Tip in Bobby. That's what happens. It's what happens.

What happens? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Who's that guy? What happens? Nothing. Who's that guy? Watch what happens live? Bobby Kelly gay porn star. Yeah, I think it's not even a picture of you clothes that comes up It's just I think it's a bit Robert maybe you Robert Kelly. I don't think so. I don't think I have that name Dude there's too many of me. Come on. There's only one, you know

That's what you're Let me tell you right there that symmetry that's proportion. That's what we call the full package in the game That's what we call the full package in the game right now. And then we're going to have fucking our Kelly picture up on the side. I have some reason. And then a play girl. I love it. And the guy with a shlong over to the right. I would be happy.

I would be happy if they just, they gave Bobby's thin head shot. Like we don't have a naked, but this is what you maybe want to see. I mean, this is, oh man. That was great. It was first result. What about Dave Smith naked? I don't know, probably. What about big J naked? Oh, come, he's got I bet he's done some

things. Big J. Ocasin, Ocasin, not no, Crescent, nude. A fucking crash. Not worth. No, they're soda. Dan Soder immediately comes out. That's funny. I saw J nude. TJ Miller's nude. Yeah. All right, listen, let's wrap this up. We find any more photos when we're searching for big J. Naked and fail.

As you know, we've been going out of for a while. I guess that's that. I guess that's everything. Dave, congratulations on the special. Thank you, brother. I appreciate it. I'm very proud of you. And it's amazing, you guys. You guys did it on your own. I hope I hope somebody, I appreciate it. I'm very proud of you and it's amazing you guys, you guys did it on your own. I hope, I hope, I hope Netflix grabs it. They should. Yeah man. They should grab it.

They should get it because it's really good. Visually looks beautiful and it's a great hour. I watched a bunch of clips of it that you guys were putting out there and I can't wait to see it. Oh thank you very much brother, I appreciate it. I really. And you work hard. Yeah, and you're great. And congratulations on you guys moving in together. Thank you. I'm very happy for you too. Aaron, congratulations to you. Thanks, Bobby. On your baby buddy. Welcome to the club.

Thanks. You guys need any help. Please don't hesitate to call. Thank you. Uh, you know, me and Donna there for for you guys if you need if she needs anything Please she has Dawn's number tell the call. Yeah, all right because right now is a great stage But if it gets a little tough or anything happens I'm telling you man. We we're flipping out my kid got constipated as a baby and I was online We're at my mother's house on a pullout sofa at three in the morning and and I I googled Alpha at three in the morning and and I I googled Constipated baby what to do and there was a Russian video all grainy where you bend the baby's legs over at the shit shoots out And I did that. It's like I'm gonna snap the kids neck. Yeah, but shit came up now I went to the doctor and they're like don't ever do that

Cheeky snap does not yeah, And I thought that's the way. Oh, God. I've imagined me just killing Max. Oh my God, I saw a snow. So it's so snowy. It's snow. Not at all. Like just a lift around.

Oh, God. She wore the- She wore the- That terrifies me the new ones. I feel like they're gonna break right away. After a couple of weeks, they get- it's not- it doesn't feel like that anymore. I feel like- They're very plentiful.

I was 10 pounds four ounces. Wow. That baby. Wow. 10 pounds. So. She came out easy because her jaw was like a fucking cano but. This is good.

I think you're ready. Mike, what do you got, buddy? Well, you can check out either. I think you're ready. Zzz love to have you on it, Bobby. Yeah, definitely who took that photo? Mindy Tucker. She's the best in the business. Scroll down there. All every single one is Mindy Tucker. Mindy does them all. She is not, look at man. I don't, I've had every, I know there's a lot of great photos, uh, photographers around our community. I get it. She is the fucking best. Yeah. She is the best. She's great. Mindy Tucker. You want headshots done anything? I'm gonna get headshots done by Mindy. She's the best. There we go. He's my referral code. Just my name. And then too cute. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. And then yeah, just follow me on social media,

you guys. What do you got, buddy? I'll just be around the city and $15 spots. $15 bucks. The village underground, trying to audition at the seller. That's where I'll be the next month or so. And you got a new CD out on iTunes. It's on iTunes, Amazon, all those things. It's called Mr. Manor's Live from Long Island City.

Check it out. Fantastic. And in hot water on compound media every Tuesday. Will you really bond a band from iTunes? Yeah, for the first four days. Why the word Fag? Where was it? It was in one of the titles.

Black girl Fag Hague. Is that a fat Lewis? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. It's a medium. Where was as a jubbi? Loas you can see his little cheeks. Yes. It's a medium with us. That's a chubby lose. You can see his little cheeks.

Yeah. I think they stand up. Um, well, all right, buddy, congratulations on the baby. Go get his new album. That is out. Very funny guy. One of the good guys in the business. What do you got, Dave?

Well, of course, the, uh, the special, the album, Dave Smith, Libber Toss, you get it at castagealnetwork.com. What a country headshot. Hey on dreamy you look great but you look like it's all it's all think that we're assholes I do I was thinking about you guys specifically now the special Libertas also if you are listening uh... legion of skanks were doing a live show at the comedy store on the on the start of the twenty eight uh..., Legion of Skanks live comedy show and then a live podcast in LA.

First time Legion of Skanks live in LA. And then of course, check out Legion of Skanks part of the problem. Awesome. Awesome. Congratulations, buddy. Thank you, Bobby. Lauren. Just at Lauren, Cabara.

Hey, Zach. Zach, the new guy at Zach, the new guy. All right. Jack, the new guy. He did a great job. He's so succinct That's what I think I like about Zach. I want to pick up my dates at some point Lauren. Yeah, yeah, thanks baby September 15th and 16th you'll be at helium and Buffalo. Yeah, that's this weekend man. I can't wait for that I'm flying in Thursday. I guess I thought I was flying in the day 22nd Providence beats pizza party. Yeah. What's that? What do you want?

Talk to you off there. Talk to me on here. Yeah, he has a text message in and right back. I think now you're in a fight, it all is making sense. I want to write that fuck you and then see what happens. Oh, you wanted to come to that. Well, no, you asked me to come and then you didn't. But you said you couldn't.

No, I didn't. You didn't. You asked me to come and then you didn't. But you said you couldn't. No, I didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You asked me and then just went on with your life. Oh, really? Yeah. Shit. Shit, I didn't know that.

What do you got snacks? A protein. No, you can't. You can't. I won't eat a yet, because I know you're not allowed to eat in here. Sorry. I have to say it.

Do you want to come still? I mean, is it, I don't, is it, now I feel like I'm gilting you into it. You're not at all. I don't, I don't get gilted into shit. I like surrounding myself in this part of my life with people I like. Where you going? You're one of the guys I like. So I would love to have you on it. Um, let me, uh, let me, let me work it out tomorrow. All right, because I got I got a few guys. It's me, Chris Scopo Ian finance very fun to do. I love you. Yeah, what'd you say? This thing sounds awful. What are you talking about and what will be a good hang?

Janus Thomas. Oh, yeah, that's great. Well, it's at this fucking It's had a piece this they wanted me to stand up at this place at this pizza place in federal hill. I can't do it contractually. So they're like, what about his podcast? Well, I was like, whatever. And you know, they gave me a little, a little bit, but I'm going in the next night to the sumble theater and Boston to accept comic of the year at the Boston Comedy Festival, which I'm very excited.

That's awesome. Comic year. Thank you. That's amazing. Congrats, bro. So I'm, you So, I was like, fuck it. Let me go in the night, have some fun with some people. And then go get that. And then I go to Side Split as a Tampa.

Thank God it didn't get washed away. Oh yeah. And then Philly Punchline, which I'm fucking crazy about. And then I'm going to Tacoma. Tacoma, anybody play this club? Tacoma Comedy Club? Nobody? All right, cool. I love that part of the country. to, uh, to coma to coma. Anybody play this club to coma comedy club? Nobody. All right.

Cool. I love. I love that part of the country. Lamp it up. I love that. I love it. I heard it. I heard it.

Those guys are great too. Yeah. Treehouse Bennington Arts Center, Bennington Vermont. Fucking what? Morties. What is Kachoo's musical? Coho's. Coho's. Coho's.

Where's that? Oh, it's great. It's inachoo's musical? Co-hosts. Co-hosts. Where is that? Oh, it's great. Co-hosts New York. And Morties and in Annapolis, December, actually in November, I'm going to Aruba too. You are? Yeah. Nice. You get Dave on the show.

Yeah. I want to go on a show in Aruba. Yeah. And I'll bring my wife. This guy that just attaches himself to everything. Lewis, what? I'm American. American God.

Look at Dave Kitsan, he's got to be a good boy. My business partner. Bobby book solid, I think is the point here. Bobby book solid. You got to go see Bobby Kelly. Thank you. One of the best comments work in anywhere today. Absolutely hilarious. Always brand new. Always original stuff. Always working on that next hour.

One of the best comics around. Go see Bobby Kelly. Not only one of the most talented podcasters, not only innovative and groundbreaking, but such a great dude and his wife makes beautiful desserts. You know what he's not my cup of tea. Oh, shit. You can't handle my stuff. I stepped on it. Fuck, why would I? It was like, that's not a long praise of you. That's not for me.

Why would I step on that beautiful? Now, Bob, you really are the fucking, one of the fuckers out there, dude. You two, man, I love you guys are all fucking hilarious, too. Dave, hilarious show. Thank you, bro. They weren't fucking paying attention at the beginning. I'm going back. I'm fucking believable. Lauren, hilarious show. Thank you, bro. They weren't fucking paying attention at the beginning. I'm going back.

Fucking believable. Lauren, I love you, baby. I love you too. All right, we'll see you guys next week. You know what, oh, make sure. ¡Puedo escuchar! ¡Puedo escuchar! ¡Puedo escuchar! ¡Puedo escuchar! ¡Puedo escuchar! ¡Puedo escuchar! Checkoutryocas.com For all the best podcasts on the internet

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