Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Dead Dads and Babies

Episode Date: December 30, 2013

Robert is joined by Sam Morril, Adrienne Iapalucci, Dan Soder, Kelly Fastuca, Chris Scopo and Simon the Australian.   RiotCast.com  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Activa es lúnico. Porque a diferencia de otros, Activa ha demostrado que sus millones de probióticos naturales llegan vivos a la microviota. ¡WOW! Y además ayuda a tu salud digestiva. Activa. 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno,

3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno. Esta es la 3 por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar tu del 3 por uno en medianas a domicidios solo pidiendo el line. ¿Saparao? tres por uno, tres por uno, oh no no no. ¡Dominos!

Pizza. ¿Suéñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de post-grazo en el extranjero, de la Fundación La Caixa. Puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate o veca en Fundación la Caixa.com. I checked this out, YKWD fans. I got two shows coming up December 30th, Mount Erie Casino in the Polkanos,

myself and the Nick DePolo, one show only. That's the 30th at Mount Erie Casino in the Polkinos. And then on the 31st New Year's Eve, Rhode Island Connecticut, Massachusetts, and even New York, I will be at Mulligan's son, Casino. One show only, New Year's Eve. So if you're looking for something to do, that's fun, cool, and you don't have to worry about driving home, yet your tickets now for Mohigan's son get yourself a hotel room, and you know what, if they run out of rooms, sleep in the lobby, fall asleep at a blackjack table, who gives a shit, it's a casino. So make sure you get your tickets now, go to Robert Kelly Live.com and get your tickets for December 30th at Mount Erie Casino with

me and Nick DeBolo and the Polkanos and the 31st New Year's Eve at Mohigan's Sun. Me and a few other comedians are going to be kicking ass to bring in the New Year. So get your tickets today. Go to robbercallylive.com, click on the link, or use my app, my iPhone app, to buy your tickets. So Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Doop! Welcome, welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth.

I was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on, it's just us sitting down. Yeah. And sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's intense. No topics, no directions. I love doing it. This podcast has no rules. Can I get a microphone?

I'm sure I've already sent you their recruit graphics rubber killings. You know what dude? You know what dude? I know what dude! I cast unplayed casted a guy. I casted a guy. Tried to

come running at Welcome back to Sports Talk Radio. This hour we're talking big east basketball We're talking the NCAA NBA talking about the way of the day on his way on we don't know welcome back It's something I will always love doing I never get older All right, here we go check it out

We're back. Yeah. It's after Christmas. I said, yeah, right, we're going to explosion happen in the music. That was fucking awesome. We're here. We're back with another YKWD. We did our gift giving, our Yankee swap last week. I got fucked.

You didn't. Yeah. You got to protect it. You got to protect it. I got to protect it. I actually like to protect it. I actually get the magic gateball. I like you saw really list what you can definitely tell he's always been like an adult child.

Like he was like, that's a, let's go outside and play fucking store-runner. I'm a little trapped here. Because you gave him toys and he's like, what do I do with these? Meanwhile, I've got mine over my bike. My dad's still alive, right? Yeah now Joe's more comfortable with fucking alcohol shirts. Yeah, his dad's like here you go Here's a new fucking tell them what do this a fucking slit shirt

I check it out over in the couch we got I'm gonna have to snap or snap, hoody. I check it out over on the couch. We got Sam Morel who hasn't been back in a long time. How are you? I'm fantastic, how are you? I didn't eat coffee, man, that intro got me. It's a good mantra, right? It's amazing.

Treyquan, baby. Kelly's new lover. The deep voice on Sam Morel. We're really bringing the bass. I feel something with it. Ladies, to get a whole of stern and sit on your speakers. About to make you cool. That's cool. But to make you cool.

Some of us. And then we got next to him, we got a new guy to the show, not a comedian, but a producer, a director. You're a bunch of shit, right Simon? I'm a bunch of shit. He's a buddy. He's on the other, he's on the, we call the industry side. And I bet one of a lot of people right when they heard his sentence,

they go, yeah, he is a lot of things. He's an Aussie. Yeah. Which means he's probably friends with Kelly. Oh yeah. Which means they probably have been hours of conversation about koalas and eucalyptus leaves. That's all we talk about.

Yeah. Did you say that kangaroo? Yeah. That was a Frank kangaroo. It feels like I'm home. It's beautiful. It feels like I'm home. It's beautiful. It feels like I'm in hell.

I really hope there is one part of the podcast that's just them talking. Someone leaves and comes back and there's something fucked up with their computers. I was listening to you know what, dude, I came back and I couldn't do it. You see Kelly's. Kelly took over the show. I really like kangaroos. Simon is here. Kelly's Simon is here he's doing a he's doing some stuff at the seller film on some stuff We want to get to into it because it's gonna be surprised but And then we have of course dance out of a K.A. Monster voice

K.A. fucking flat face flat shovel face Is what you a K.A. Fucking flat face. Flat shovel face. Shovel nose. That's what you've told me. A.K.A. Christmas wooden puppet nose. A.K.A. A lot. I have a large head. A.K.A. Fucking gorgeous, a new kid on the block. A.K.A. Get ready for the dance soda 2014 calendar, ladies. Corporate Dan.

And we got Kelly Fistuka. Hey, mate. I fucking her sinus is a bugging me. She sounds like the Tranny I've always wanted. Hello mate. That's I mate. She actually looks like the Tranny I've always wanted. She's my dick!

It's huge. If you had a huge dick, that'd be so fucking hot. I bet if Kelly had a dick, it would be short and fat. Yeah, because I'm Italian. Yeah, if you could be a thick piece. You'd be a lipper-ypper. A lipper-ypper? And we got somebody showing up, Scopro, of course,

producing the show over on the three camera shoot on Yistream. Yeah, of course, I say how I say it. Could you just Japanese girl the fucking camera? I said, I'm a little bit blue. There he is. Look at his hair. Beautiful hair.

I never knew, Scopoops were very handsome man. I only met you at a well and that can make anyone look ugly. Yeah. No. Well, scoops was off camera now. If a couple gets on camera, he winds up looking at his hair and then it fucks up the shot. It's just a humorous job.

Oh, Jesus. And we got somebody showing up. Who's showing up? Adrian Appleucci. Oh, I love it. Adrian. She's late. I don't like late. You know, I don't like late She thought she was like I'm in trouble

I'm not in trouble. You're not in trouble, but Don't be late. Oh, I see she said the snow. What the fuck is it? There's no snow. It's New York There's snow for eight seconds and then it turns into shit mud and then it goes away I'm excited to see you have this conversation with the actual person that's late. And I mean. Am I looking at you? Yeah, you're making me feel like I'm late. Dude, I'm not. I'm not your dead dad, okay?

I wish you'd have a way cooler mustache and you would take me to a toy restaurant right now. Did you find the take you to toy's arouse? Like all the time, that was it. It was the best. He really was if you are single dad and you want to piss off your ex-wife he played the perfect game really no child support would fill my backpack up with action figures when I go to San Francisco really oh just on the regular I'm bringing empty backpack

this is gonna be a good haul sounds like a manipulating ass. And he was alcoholic. Okay. But he was fun. Because he like Jimmy Buffett. Who doesn't? Yeah. I don't. You know like a huge fan. Jimmy fucking margaritaville. Yeah.

She's brutal. I mean, don't get me wrong. If you want to be friends with me and take me all over the world, I'd fucking love him. Yeah. I'd fake listen to all that shit. Well, that was a parrot head. A parrot head?

That's what Jimmy Buffett. Did he get hamburgers and fucking hamburgerville? Whatever she's burgers and paradise and no Okay In leg port that's what he got funny What she's burgers and paradise you don't know like she's burgers and Shit, but my heart my heart Read a little what she's burgers and paradise you don't know like she's burgers and I think so what's the one thing my heart my heart my

Make sure what you people is hey look at dad that's what Dan does he gets on his phone to tweet Yeah, cuz that's what I'm doing Bobby. I'm tweeting He's jerk what are you doing? This is like the most cheerful way to talk about daddy you guys my dad's dead You have this on your phone like at will. Fuck it out. Yeah. You bought this.

If I need a nice cry on the train. He's going to sleep on the couch. Is that what your dad is, Margaritaville? That's great. That's where he's always been. That's what he left my mom for. Your dad is a shitty Hawaiian shirt. And some flip flops.

Wrong. Looking down. Lickertee. Uh, corduroy shortsroy shorts what is that that's the alcoholic jumpsuit that's the that's the alcohol uniform corduroy shorts okay white re-box right liquor tea hell of a tan really a lot of sandals yeah love saddles you can dendra right now san Francisco worse uh... what do you die of AIDS right?

So Early AIDS they called it so roses. I like a casual use an AIDS Yeah, but a they don't think anymore. They call it 85. They called early AIDS that gay thing that gay That's what they called it My dad died of liver AIDS Liver ads you have a dad. Yeah, I have a dad two dads you have two dads You oh, yes, he's not a gay way Modern family without the Asian girl from modern family have a biological dad who left and I met him like five years ago

Now we have like an on and off Adrian Adrian we have a we've been you're good you're good look at our father you can tell she's Italian she's walks in am I gonna get hit the fishing scene or good for the fuck the fucking people you against I'm so Adrian well it's that now to a real quick Adrian first of all great job and let him in. Killer set. Let's not get carried away. It was really good job. I was watching Leno that night.

Stop it. Kidding! I'm a fucking huge fan, Adrian. I've championed her since the beginning. You championed her? Tell me about her. You never even said have her on the show. Silent week.

You know who told me to have her on the show silent. You know tommon have her on the show Kelly, oh that's ladies being ladies. I only pick white men. All right, let's go back to Sam shitty dead dad. What happened? He's still I wish I wish he was dead club really. No, well that would uncomplicated things He uh, no, he he's 78 so he's you know, he's trying to be a person. Yeah, it's gonna die soon But uh, he holds me when he had you I mean hang on jiffy one I get everybody fuck Jim Sherberg goes calling Yeah, fuck a 51 so yeah, he sent a letter the other day because I I finally started therapy and I started Same guy you see you want Alan? Yeah, yeah You want to talk about something?

Si really really help I fucking out I went to years ago years ago I went to this therapist from another you know referred from another comic But a couple people went to him. You know it's a comic therapist now You can't fucking go in without one somebody walking out going. What's up, dude? And you come out and there's somebody else like the last five minutes of my session I do not talk about anything real Because I don't want to walk out and see one of you mother fuckers going dude you fucking what happened to your asshole Like I fell asleep in therapy today. Why I went the I woke up to him going really? This is the first

He goes this is the first time anybody's ever done that I go what he goes you fell asleep I go was a snoring he goes you were out for five minutes. I went out for five minutes I go well it's you depressing fucking no window room Yeah, I go put me in the bedroom with your wife is with the window and the nice are yeah, Beverly Go as well. Yeah, I said the wife Beverly I can't hear you You sound like chroma the fuck he is like a chewy boy No, he's don't there. He's like this. Yeah, what am I damn soda? I'm sorry. I'm trying to fucking exaggerate

But he I do one Everybody knows I do already laying in that's it. Have you been there when the people were practicing practicing the clarinet? You can hear it. It's like I was there last week They were fixing inside the windows. Yeah, yeah, there was Mexican guys giggling every time I said something And I kept going, shut the fuck up. And they laughed. Allens the emotional Montreal. You wait to go and then you could go and be like, yeah, I've done that before.

It's good to know Sam's going though. Yeah, no, you're not fucking good at analogies. Good for you, Sam. He's a posse or Sam. I'm sorry, go ahead Sam. I sidetracked you. No, no, you were talking about your shitty dad. You know what he's great about?

He's great at telling you to confront shitty people in your life and confronting toxic relationships in your life and uh is that your dad oh yeah yeah yeah why because all he does is take he doesn't he doesn't give me any emotional support Joe Doroso yeah he's a kid you know what lady my dad is 78 and he's got better shoulders and Man, he met him. Oh, dude. Have you actually seen him? Yeah, really? Yeah, I think you didn't he come to care lines Yeah, he's yeah, he's definitely that's the weird thing. I'm doing jokes about him He's like oh boy. I did deserve a good roasting. Oh, that was a good one Maybe that doesn't sound that bad that he's coming to your shows and he's fucking taking hits from stage. He's made an effort, but he does shit that I can't do.

Like, he'll say stuff like, he'll refer to me as a son. Like, I can't do that. Why? Because I had a dad who raised me. Who's he? My dad, a guy who legally adopted me and what? Yeah, yeah, and I don't want to take away from what he gave. I want to just get him.

Can I just say something? Yeah. So where that you bring this up because I'm dealing with the shit. It fucking makes me emotional because I had my original, my, you know, the biological father who was cooler shit. I mean, he's kinda, we were really meant to fucking, he was my dad.

Like, we were right to fuck here. He was cool, he went to Vietnam. He got all fucked up. Came back, but we kind of like I was I was recovering. I call it he was We kind of became friends and not like we cook about pussy You know what I mean? Like that's yeah, that's always a weird relationship No, but it was cool like he wasn't a fucking freak about like I remember this girl Is he more of like a friend than a father? Yeah, he I said, you know when I got sober I called him up because like, is he more of like a friend than a father to you? Well, yeah, he, I said, you know, when I got sober, I called him up

and he was like, what do you want a birthday present? And I was like, I think we should just be friends, you know, let's try to be friends. And we did. And we went out to dinners, we hung out, it wasn't, he called me, but then I have my mother met her third, the second one was a motherfucker. He's gonna beat me, beat the shit out,

told me I'd never be in a room in my fucking life. Set me off on a terrible course. And then the third one was the fucking cool guy. Like if I had him from the get-go, I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be a comic. Yeah, you'd be, you'd be, you'd have a family right now. Yeah, I'd be in Bamsha. I'd have a fucking, yeah, I'd have been Dary Nahamsher.

I'd have a three, I'd get, you know, a rental on the first floor. And I'd have, you know what I mean? I'd have that three family house. But he is like my dad. But I moved out like when I was in jail from 13 to 15. So I was in and out. I was never really home.

And then I went to rehab from 15 to 16. And then I moved out at 16 and a half on my own and I've been on my own ever since so It's like he is my dad and I love him and he's awesome I said to him I go I wish I was around you more, but we'll tell you resentment for not being there for when you go into a tough time my first dad Yeah No, I know because I Don't know it's my life. It's my fucking life. It is what it is now. I'm the dad But you would you do that to your kid now never but no why why wouldn't I would you tell me because

Didn't go to Vietnam because I learned I was funny, but I got to hit her with a lamp. Can I hit her with my comedy central board? I Know your sniffles Can I hit her with my comedy central board? No. Um, no. You're sniffles. I know, sir. Um, it was, I don't know. It's just, like you say that you're a second dad.

Like my mother always said, you have a father. And I do. But it's like, I don't know. It's like weird. It's like, okay. But I feel like my dad who left is, he has all the fucking negative qualities I have. He's got this sleazy side that I try to push away. That I try to work on. He's like a 50s ad man

He's like one of the guys on madmen. So he's like a real smooth talker and it's all bullshit. Really? Yeah, my guy, my dad wasn't like he was he was an engineer. He kind of got a shit together. He went to Vietnam I'm gonna shit together, but you know, he's got a cool. He was like, you know, I'm gonna one time The screw-water made a pee owner. Yeah, and my dad called in You know, he's got a cool, he was like, you know, I remember one time this girl wanted me to pee on her. Yeah. And my dad called in. That was a little bit of a... Yeah, two a.

And I was like, hey, what's up? He's like, what are you doing? I go, I'm talking to this girl, she wants me to pee on her. I go, would you pee on her girl? He goes, wow, look at it. I went and drank a gallon of water and musta rub a pee, but if I had a piss, fuck yeah, why not? I don't know.

I was like, sage advice dad. Fuck. I was like, he's talking. Glad, glad. That's what you mean dad on then. I called the back. I go no, I don't have to pay so it's not happening jealous Do you have a dad? No, he's dead. No, you're fucking you and Dan dead dead dead dead dead So what do you need Louis? Well, how do you die cancer cancer and how old were you? 22 Cancer cancer and how old were you? 22 Man, is that I think that's worse?

Is that worse than being younger like a young kid because a young kid can kind of I don't know get over it But I don't know 22. Did you love you dad it? Yeah Yeah, but I still actually have like a biological father that lives in the same neighborhood as me that I never met She's in the same neighborhood as me that I never met. She's in the same neighborhood? Yeah, so we all kind of have a little bit of experience. You, it's like, hang on, I need your mic. She's not talking, talk. Let me hear you.

Can you hear me now? Yeah. I don't know where, I can't, I don't know what the fuck you are baby. Talk, you scream into the mic. No. I can't hear you. I need to, I need to, I need your voice because we're recording without your voice You're gonna sound like an ass. Go ahead. Okay

You gotta really eat the mic sweetie. I'm sorry your voice is not deep enough to Just get up but get up and on what the fuck Adrian and I can share my click we're doing it do it. No, I just look at like a June Carter Johnny Cash I like that Adrian mixes all of our stories. Her dad's dead. Yet her biological one still alive. And I have a stepfather too. And you have a stepfather. You're dad loading.

That's your sitcom, right? No, I have nothing though. You're dad loading. You're dad loading. You're dad loading. You're none of your dad's giving you money? No. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm talking about emotional love and support. No. You don't get to be a dad. You're not a dad. You're not a dad. You're not a dad. You're not a dad. You're not a dad. You none of your dads gave you money? No. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm talking about emotional love and support. No. You don't get dad from any of them.

No, the dead one was dead. The dead one? Is that how you fucking, does that your fertile? He doesn't give a shit, he's dead. He's dead. Well, Chey, you fucking psycho. The dead one. What about, what do you call the second one?

Well, which one is that? I mean, he's technically the second one because he adopted me when I was like eight months old or something So you have a I have a biological father. I guess that I've never met Lives in the Bronx with me and you know that he's still in the Bronx. Yeah, I've like passed by his house Why why really many like once or twice like do you want to meet him? Kind of you went by us out like an apartment you wanted to rent you know like I had my friend not gonna Don't ask for me like when we were kids Adrian here is like no, no, I'm not sure of that How old nice truck it just looks faster nice try

Oh Nice truck. It just looks faster nice try Nice try whatever your name is I think my dad had died already so cuz I was like out of respect for my dad I was 20s. Yeah, probably probably my 20s. Wow, that's fucking crazy man Yeah, I have resentment that I feel like he made it hard to my mom. So I've angered him. He's also dying now too, right?

I think he has like heart disease or something. So I should meet him. The biological. Yeah, he has red hair too. That number one. Does he know? Yeah. You should meet him.

This is why women in the 40s and 50s just said that they died in the war and kids grew up halfway okay. My ex-boyfriend just alive. Yeah, oh fuck if my mom would have been like he died in Vietnam, I'd be like, put us born in 83. They treat him like cats. They treat him like cats. Yeah. I went to a farm. A farm? Oh, he's in a farm. Deads in a farm. Does he get to play with all the yarn that he wants to? It's so funny though that like I feel the same way. I haven't talked to my dad in years like 15 years But I kind of which one sometimes you sometimes you get in the stocking mode

Well, you're kind of stalking like I'm on the internet trying to Facebook stock like find him and find out what he's doing and I don't know if he's alive or dead at the vet All the one used to be there. No, no, I don't know if he's alive or dead at the vet or the one he used to be Shetty no, no, I wouldn't fucking if I ever saw him I'd fucking kick him in the nuts I'd love to fucking me It's a good fantasy isn't it? I'm tracking them down talking to Mike buddy. You got to really eat them I just talk him and track him down. Um, I actually met a here's a deal with him I this one makes me so happy about him

Do you I remember all you want it was a Corvette? You just I went a quote. I'm gonna get a Corvette with T. I wanna get one with you fucking kids. You and your fucking mother, I can't, I'm gonna get it to, he got a Monte Carlo with T-tops and spoked wheels. I just have to clean them. I fucking hate it.

He's a shit. But he finally got his Corvette, but he had a salad because he got too fat. Oh, that's great. Maybe so happy. My mother was like, you know, Billy got his Corvette, but he had a salad because he got too fat. Oh, that's great. Maybe so happy. My mother was like, you know, Billy got his Corvette but he had a salad because he was like 400 pounds. That's awesome.

Makes me so happy that that fucking most got his dreams. Yeah, it's always great. My mom's boyfriend that was a real shithead to me and was like super verbally abusive. Yeah. He used to make me go, we had to go to his swim meets every Saturday morning. What?

Yeah, he's a swimmer. You know what it's like? Bang and Michael Phelps. Yeah, you know it's like yeah, but 52 I don't like be guys and terrible buddy in a 12 year old boy having to go say if you've ever been in an indoor pool and full clothing I got it all the time. I love it. It's hot. You probably swim. Yeah, you're not sitting in jeans in a fucking 49er T-shirt wondering why you can't be home watching college football. You don't watch a bunch of old men with their dicks, pussing, there's mildly. Oh, they're swimming. Yeah. And you just look at their defeated wives and the bleachers. Turns out that cock suckers a baggage handler at a DIA. So every time I play I land in Denver, I give a nice middle finger out the plane window. Hope and he sees it.

Really? That fucking asshole. Fuck that fucking asshole fuck him yeah I love an anger tonight is great yeah cuz you're evil yeah cuz your dad is a charcuterie guy cuz your dad shot the travelers yeah you turn them into fucking sausage yeah that she gives it to me Bobby I got you fucking I was just weird no she's good meat yeah what happened to a four-year-old cat we cool bullshit on the cookney accent passing for Australian come on Crooked all done We know

Cuz our cuz Colin Quinn was in it Here's the oh yeah, here's a deal the Australian accent ruined loss for me. I'll never forgive you Yeah, my baby Charlie my baby off Never walks it again. I don't know what happened at the end of last I'll never forgive you. My baby, Charlie, my baby. Off. I'll never watch it again. I don't know what happened at the end of last. I've never fucking seen it, because that fucking shit accent made me not watch it.

My baby, Charlie, my baby. I'm gonna feel that person was not Australian. Whoever put that accent on. She was. She was Australian. Can we disown them right now? Like right now. If you guys start speaking properly,

you're shaping your words like humans. I'm so un-American. I'll tell you, I'm really quickly gonna tell you that my ex-boyfriend, he-boy-ass-cat. He-boy-ass-cat. Hey everybody, if you guys wanna see my dick, it's mad. If you wanna watch me jerk off, it's 15.

Yeah, if you want me to fake this accent, it's 35. I look like I got big tits, because I played football and college. One, what happened is, these actually were pretty big pecs. Accent it's 35. I look like I got big tips. They played football and college These actually were pretty big packs Anyways, why me did you go off for your three-hundred? Married over there. I have a muck in the fucking He was the product of an affair so the guy was married and a one night stand with his mother

She fell pregnant had him Didn't like fair that years later he had two sisters who we ended up going to school with No, no Don't know he exists so the wife and the two sisters half sisters don't know that they had their fair and blah blah blah, but he's still the father still stays in his life, sneaks around. That's so fucking weird. Give them cards and suffer his birthday and fucking weird shit. But the other family one day he was walking on the street and he saw the family eating dinner outside and like, I don't know. I just kept it. And he just kept the walk. He didn't even say anything because he goes, because I went to go, oh, John, to his dad, but.

Daddy! Yeah, and yeah, he's with his real family. I like that I know like, he's with his real family. Fucked up Norman Royal. Where's your dad Simon, you got your dad together? My dad's together, he's back in Australia. He was born in a shit house little town just outside Glasgow.

Call Australia. No. Kilmanik for all the Scots out there and he spent 32 years in the military. Really? So you end up sharing, you know, great guy. You end up sharing beers with him. Lots of stories of casual physical violence. Apart from that, a great guy and a lot of him and his

is divorced in Australia though. I mean, it's not, uh, divorce isn't, I mean, people all get divorced in Australia. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, you know what I mean? Right really similar you guys like the one thing that was a productive shit father Who yeah was a generation of guys who are like great the kids born? They're like I'm fucking here till dead God damn it a great point, but it's new Aussie. Yeah, just coming in with that other side of the world philosophy No, that is maybe of our toilets flushed backwards We would have seen that my destructive childhood let me to be a motivated father when I do have children Hopefully when the day comes maybe if I have enough money for the children.

I just threw them in my own mouth. No, that's, I mean, I'm really, really. I'm not trying to, I don't like argue in front of my kid. I don't want fucked up energy between me and my chicken in front of my kid. I'm like, here's from now, Max. It's like, you know what, dad? Heck you. Okay. I never respect you. You're soft. You don't ever yell at mom.

You're never been anything. And then he's meeting his dad's old comedy, but he's like, yeah, you dad's a fucking psycho. Yeah, he's just burrs like, yeah, fucking death. He's guys fucking nipple. And then he's sitting around in a radio and she's like, what did he ever show me? He's psycho-sought.

Why couldn't he have threatened physical violence on me? Well, there's a thing my kid's gonna be big big boy. Yeah, he's above 90% tile Yeah, he's gonna be a tall and her he's probably gonna be sick something because that's all in her family And he kind of he's got a lot of her Facial he kind of took after her so I'm gonna have a problem around 15 Have to fucking you know what son 15 What have to fucking you know what son? He's gonna be like no dirt

Here's the thing is that I Mean I'm gonna be fucking when he's 20 I'm gonna be 60. Yeah, it's great isn't I'm gonna be 63 So I'm gonna have a fucked up knee I'm probably gonna have to like have one of those things that go up and down like sitting one of those chairs up this thing I'm gonna go one of those is, those are pretty balls. I know I bought it for. Anyway, let's bring up Mary Lou Reed again. Oh, they're put the mountain by the way. Bring up my Nana. See what happens. I just said I bought a she-o. You think I keep her in a metham fested town because I like to? So no one can

get to her. Those meth heads on the outside of her town are her mouth filled with sharks. Your channel and a young Remi Tippado. Yeah, Remi Tippado keep it in the water. Count. Ha ha ha ha. This guy just said I lost my, most of the names,

I lost my mom three months after I turned 23. Yeah, I think that's a little, I think that's harder little I think that's harder I think losing a mom's got to be I mean fucking crazy. I thought my mom every dad lose my shit When that whole thing what blew up with the blog my mom we're on the phone immediately with the blog my mom we're on the phone immediately actually you know we were really oh yeah my mom's uh... very supportive are you are you a dream you know that I was in saying kind of I feel like Adrian got like a thing is like yeah I mean that's in the neighborhood and I'm really talking you know I'm a mom actually all right you know she is a tough she's not she's

kind of a tough broad you know you know you know you kind of you know my mother like each other we go through it we're doing her right right now do Do you live with her now? So this is a good time right now. Yeah, and you're way from again. Where did you go? Did Bronx? Yeah, so that's like a Yeah, the families know when you grew up in like apartments and and rough neighbors and tight environments like that in cities You there's a different type of love. There's yeah, I don't know. It's we it's a survival love Like I grew up with my mother like fighting other people Like that's how we grew up my mother had to go fight some lady on the block so I could go play like that's how we grew up It's crazy

Box man my mother got into a fist fight and my sister's kindergarten like graduation Like overseas like that's really yeah, I don't know. Would your mom ever on Murray Povitch? No, and we aren't like super trashy. Either it's just like that's how it works. You're Italian, right? Yeah. Yeah. That used to happen with the kids in my neighborhood.

Like they used to fight all the time over stupid shit. Like I remember two girls, two moms couldn't be in the same gym when the girls played basketball because they fistfuled each other. That's awesome. Really? God. Yeah, my mom, man, I wish I had that. My mom never really fought for me.

Wish my mom, my mom would just, let's just go, you know. Oh, my mom could be a bitch. Yeah. Yeah, she could get that fire side door and it'd be like, oh, fuck. Like I'd be embarrassing. I know I'd be embarrassed for the other person. Like, yeah, Jesus, man, I don't think you know what she just did.

Yeah, my mom would kill someone ever in a parking spot. He's great. That's the thing though, is I think that's why a lot of my shit is like, don't fucking, you won't fucking take what I got. Cause I, you know what I mean? Like people took advantage my whole life and nobody was there to say, hey, fucking don't do that.

So now when I finally could hurt somebody, I was like, fuck you, I'll murder anybody that tries to take advantage of me. So I mean, even today, Alan, the shit we're talking about today, that's why I fell asleep in therapy. Because when he starts hitting real shit, I go, I like, my body, my fucking body shuts down. It's it's exhausting

It's like a full body workout. I leave there and I'm like I need to like hold on to the bottom I call it the mental gym like you're I see people leaving. I'm like that was a good one I call it a motion. I have to go buy something next door in that little fucking Toy store the toy store I put my gift to me too I bought this for myself today. Hey, that's perfect. That's perfect. I just got this.

Hey, I don't need this. That's fun. That's for the fridge, McDonald's. I don't need this. There's that store west right on the same block as you're walking towards Amsterdam. It's got great Nike shoes. I've got like five pairs of Nike shoes.

I bought a jacket on it. If I didn't buy this today, it'd be a hooker or food. Yeah. This is my hooker and food. My hooker and food. I go into the little toy store and I bought this and I went, and I kind of held it on the train. You know what cigarette I missed the most?

The one after Allen. That's the cigarette I missed the most. Walk getting a cup of coffee from around the corner can we talk about that's just cigarettes Jesus Christ man, do I'm I found a cigarette in the snow today when I was shoveling Oh, and I was just like I just wanted to oh just wet and I was like Yeah, I know we were I was at a concert on Saturday night and my buddy smoking What concert Queens of the Stone Age? Are they still playing

First off What concept Queens of the Stone Age? Are they still playing? Yeah, first off, I'm just... I'm here to stop real quick. Let me just stop real quick. They're your favorite band ever, aren't they? Yes, they are. Thank you, Sam. Number two, to Bobby, let's get better musical taste before he starts cutting me down at the knees.

Mr. Lady Gaga on your iPod, which she's actually respectable artist. There's someone else you have that I hate. Oh. It's on your iPod. I fucking dude, what? Are you ready to mind? You can't get a Quincy's Stone Age. Yes I can. How?

What are you gonna do? Boo. What are you gonna do? Boo. Boo. What are best albums in here? Fucking Creed want to Grammy. Yeah, because Creed's amazing.

I was wild, oh boom. And it's actually, please don't hurt that song because that means a lot to me. Roger's turn. No, no, no. I'm kidding, Creed's such a dick. I have a buddy. What is the Stone Age album? And yes, they're still playing. I don't know. a lot to me. Rangestor! Rangestor! Rangestor! Now I'm getting creeps up to Dick. I have a buddy who's done age awesome, and yes, they're still playing.

I don't know. I was just asking. Well, I know, but the way you said it was very accusatory, like they sucked. Well. Okay, I get it, Adrian, drop it with, it's me. I think they do have a good song. They have multiple good albums.

Fuck everybody, Quizzis. They have more than one album? They have seven albums. No way way who's buying them you know what none of you are invited to my birthday party where we are we're gonna go roller skating yeah you guys aren't invited to my roller skating what was your point before you you

brought up that stupid band? Oh, my buddy was smoking a cigarette and he went, he was like going to buy a ticket for the train and he handed me the cigarette and he was fucking slapped his hand. Really? I'm not gonna hold that thing. You put that right there again

and it's gonna be like, oh. I remember, listen, my thing was coffee in cigarettes. Yeah, it's the greatest. I used to love to go and get a coffee, get my cigarettes, get a newspaper, and go by the mailboxes, where you get the village voice, and just sit there like my office.

Yeah. I'd make phone calls, I'd read the paper, I'd smoke, I'd drink my coffee, nothing better. I'd spend hours at a fucking just on a corner. Yeah, just smoke it too. I'm drinking coffee, but I switched over to, I'm a fucking plus whack.

I quit sugar and I quit carbs and grains three months ago. And I'm just not doing them anymore. And I'm slowing down on a coffee too. I used to drink coffee all day all night. I could drink a cup, I could drink a whole cup a large coffee from Starbucks and crash. I'll go to bed. I could do the same thing.

I'm a fucking effect me. The cart around Allen's, if you walk to Columbus and take a left. Yeah. There's a little cart, Jimmy's or Johnny's or something. They sell coffee, that's where Allen gets his coffee. Yeah. Delicious.

I used to go get a cup of coffee and then walk down. I don't like that you where Allen gets his coffee. Yeah. Delicious. I used to go get a cup of coffee and then walk down. I don't like that you know Allen gets his coffee there. I asked him, I was like, where do you get your coffee? I hate Starbucks. And he was like, all right, right over here, go to the... I go to 70 down, 73rd Street and there's like stairs for an apartment building and I used to sit there and smoke like fucking four cigarettes

after an Allen session. You know what I do in Allen now? You know the little clock he has facing him? Yeah. I always get a coffee and I put it in front of it. That's pretty good. Yeah, I checked the clock to the left Yeah, he's left all the time. Yeah always I always I always put I always put something in front of it It just fucks him. It will start giggling because you know I'll see him on the middle of something I'm about to crown him. I'll see his eyes twitch over like that like you cock sucker Looking at you close. We see you, Alan.

I always feel like he's about to fall asleep on me because he sits on like, I caught him, I caught him. You caught him once? Yeah, I caught him fucking one eye just twitching. I was like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, listen. Hi. I know I'm not talking about being molested, okay?

I'm talking about some fucking sexy stuff of my past. I'll get there. There's some stories you feel like he's toned in on a little harder, like the juicy shit. I just love there. There's some stories you feel like he's toned in on a little harder. Like the juicy shit. I just love that. Oh he loves. Woo.

I'm getting into the dead sister. He is up. Sometimes I feel like he'll steer me in that direction. Like I'll go back to a relationship. He's like, no, let's go back to your dad. I'm like, all right. Like the same way you sexed with a girl. But this is going to be fun to me.

Like the seriously though. Yeah, let me just. What would you do if we're alone right now? He does that with does. But this is gonna be fun to meet up. You're like, this is yours, though. Yeah, let me just, what would you do if we're alone right now? He does, he does that with me, with my dad. He's like, I'll say something. He goes, well, what is it all call back to? Oh, I'm like, my dad.

He says that that's what I said today. I was like, oh, what is it, girl, bear? To a girl. Call back. I gotta fight with my wife the other day. It was so fucking stupid. We, you know, I said, call with this guy. And she was like, why don can we just both come later?

I go, why do you have to fight me on fucking everything? Like everything. And that's a fight. Well, it was stupid because she really wasn't fighting me. She does do that shit sometimes, but she really wasn't. I was just, you know, it was just like, what the fuck? And then I said on my phone, I go, somehow I couldn't dial the number on my phone. I went fuck you. You stupid motherfucker. And she went fuck you too

How do you like it if I talk to you like I go? First of all if yeah, talk to me like that. Well fucking get divorced. How's that second of all I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the phone she's gonna show you it was this fucking stupid fight, okay? And I sat down when her and I look, we can't do this. Look, I fucked up. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have fucking assumed, you were being defensive. You just, I should have slowed down a little bit

and listened to you. And, you know, because I don't, I really, I, I love my family. I've never been this happy in my fucking whole life. The other night I came home, I opened the door, and I went, honey, I'm home. Yeah. Right?

We played music off of my phone, Christmas music. We bought a tree, we decorated it for the first time in my life. I have a tree that's mine, we decorated it, we didn't have enough decorations, because we've never had a tree. We had to buy Puerto Rican Kmart decorations. I don't know why you had to make it racial. You got to pick your mom in a celebration.

You got to pick your mom in a celebration. You got to pick your mom in a celebration. You got to pick your mom in a celebration. You got to pick your mom in a celebration. We got a great pick, Max was there. It was awesome. It was like this crazy. He wasn't out with his friends. Of course he was there. No, I mean, as an old man.

I never heard about it. Bobby goes, yeah, Max was there. Yeah, I didn't think he was out of getting milk. It's Max coming home for the tree decorating. I'm dead, I'm home. Dead, dead. What are you guys putting up a fucking tree, dead? Dude, I'm dead. I was out smoking by a fucking mailbox

like you, the coffee, the coffee, the, I was having a party for girl, what's the pee on you, do you do it? No, you, no, yeah, whatever, dad. Why don't you disappear like you are dead? Start stocking shit, don't you bring up grip all like that. I, uh, so, but I was like so fucking happy, like, yeah, and I was like, I don't need to need to do this other bullshit. I don't want to

That's my past like the the shit that you do that makes me fucked up is from before other people and somehow I'm fucking Holding on to it and bring keeping it with me with people in my life. You know what I mean? Yeah, I You know so we sat down and talked about, and I was all proud of myself, but Alan was like, all right, I got it, I got it, you made up, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. You're standing in the middle.

I used to slam shit and leave. Now I said I'm sorry and we talked it out, and we had this, is again, I know, but why can't you connect? Oh yeah. Oh, I hate when he does that. I just, by the way, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, ¡Ya! espectacularismos, rincones de película y un sin fin de aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea.

Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Chris, ¿qué es el río Chris? Yo siempre voy con el theory. Um... Wow, ¿y es realmente un just an East German gymnast code. Dude, here's a deal. He's getting good at it. Again! Again! That do-it-do-of-and-the-art on the balance field.

The next show is that the routine is perfect. Again! No footage! Again! So punch! I'm gonna punch! Get it! Sanger! Again!

Go! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Go Friend or go to a three you and you're talking about the three I just put the red light underneath your face It looks so fucking creepy right now Dead person that is a little Christophe Waltz thing going on hold up Yeah, I You know you wanted Bobby though you wanted what your father or father didn't do to you wanted that pat in the back The wedd dude fucking nailing it good for you. Oh, that'd be great Alan didn't do that for you

You you well, so he was absolutely right though. Here's what I didn't do and I didn't I can't see it you know I Absolutely right though. Here's what I didn't do. And I can't see it. You know, I didn't feel, he said, what if you yelled at your son like that? What if you said that to your son? How would you feel? And what if your son started shaking or crying? If you talked to him like that, I would fucking immediately feel terrible.

He goes exactly. Why can't you feel that for the woman you love? Why do you not feel anything when you hurt her? I was like fuck you Put his hand up. He's like turn the knife. I didn't you count it Step it here that we cast bullshit. Yeah bring your emotions in Yeah, he does get he does get cocky everyone that we cast bullshit. You know, bring your emotions in. BABAR! He does get cocky every once in a while. Oh, it's like, no, that's what you do.

Fuck you. But is he ruining the comedy community him and his wife by fixing us? No. You know what I'm saying? He's not fixing me. Nobody's fixing you. He's staring in your dead serial killer eyes for the last 10 minutes.

I think she's doing like a bunch of pussy. It's hard about your emotions. As soon as we started talking about emotions, she went out. She's like, I think she's done like a bunch of pussy. It's hard about your emotions. As soon as we started talking about emotions, she went out and she was like, I'm not here. He's disconnected. She's thinking about fucking slicing all our throats and taking over the show. I don't like blood.

I don't know. That's the scariest thing anyone said. I mean, do you have any of those? And I just opened this water. Yeah, you're right, though. I think he's hoping the comedy community, I think he's making a full aware. I think he's helping. Of community, I think he's making a full aware. I think he's helping.

He's helping us. Of course he is. Someone said to me, don't you, I told you the first thing I walked in, I go listen, this was seven years ago. I walked in, I go, hey, you're not making me in some fucking queer, all right? Oh, wow.

He goes, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I got a client for another 10 years. He goes, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, Yeah, he goes I got a client for another 10 years My kids are gonna And my kids gonna be a doctor First things first you mother fucker. I'm not a queer. I don't cry. Fuck you. I'm taking my shirt I drink dug and down. It's not fucking stop fucking smoke butts I eat butts, and I take my shirt off whenever I fucking feel like I'm dead. And then now I'm gonna like, I got the tree in the bed even.

He said that in talk. He said he goes like this, he goes, you know, I go, you're not making me into a pussy. I go, I'm not becoming a pussy in here. He goes, you already are a pussy. He goes, real men don't need to see me. I went, okay, to share you, Coxaka, and then he called me a lifer. Oh, you're a lifer. You'll be here for, he really, honestly, you're gonna say that. You're a lifer. Was he laughing? Talking shit. He's like, shit. You're gonna come in my house, start on that weak shit. I'm

an Arnie. I'm an onion, I'm an onion. You got your deeds, you got your deeds you can sign over because I'm an onion. What would seven Bobby, seven years ago think of Bobby now? And what is, you know, because it's easier to get where I wanted to be. So you name it? Seven, seven, eight years ago.

I was gonna be, I was gonna be, I was gonna be, I was gonna be be what other people expected me to be. That's it. I'd probably be alone. I'd probably have, you know, some apartment somewhere. I'd probably be banging, you know, I'd probably be banging bras and doing stupid shit. My comedy would probably be the, just,

I probably, I wouldn't even have new stuff. I'd probably just be that guy. I don't even know if I'd be in New York anymore. I'd probably be back in Boston or something. Yeah, because as soon as I try, as soon as I made the decision to become, to do, I literally went against everything everybody told me. Yeah.

The only one that said, go try to get your life together was Colin Quinn. Yeah, because he said it. He's the smartest man in the world. Well, he said, he goes, if you, if you try and you can't do it and you are this piece of shit that just bangs hookers and whatever, then at least you try.

Yeah. But if you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. And now see, when you said that, that's like, oh my God, that should be in a book, but when it probably came out of Collins mouth, it was like, no, you know, I don't know, what the fuck. Yeah, bang like fucking hookers and you know, that's what you're gonna fucking but when it probably came out of Collins mouth, it's like, no, I don't know, what the fuck. You know, bang my fucking hookers and you know,

that's what you're gonna fucking do. You got to release, what did you say? What do you go, how did you say, you should be fucking to destroy that? I can't hear you, you just look at my fucking. I know my fucking, what did you say? I'm fucking, yeah, I know, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking,

I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, yeah, so. But you know what, that's like, this is where I wanted to be, but I'm not there. Look, I'm not fucking there yet, of course. I'm still a fucking idiot in my head.

But, dude, I can't tell you, moving the last seven months of my life has been, I've been so fucking stressed out. There's been so much anxiety. My whole life fucking ripped up, and I'm in the suburbs now but to get from where I was the baby coming out nobody fucking explains babies nobody fucking people say multiple books dude fuck the books fuck everybody everybody get some sleep it's never Dude, this is going to be the most fucked, holy shit awful, amazing experience at the same time you'll ever gonna go through. You're never, you've never, ever, ever experienced anything like what you're about to experience.

That sounds like how what I would have told myself my freshman year-rated mushrooms. I was like, this is gonna be awful and awesome. Now I'll take that. Yeah. Really? Kids of mushrooms. I'm 10 days in in fatherhood. Oh you are. 10 days in. 10 days in. Right. Yeah but I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, What is that? Downing little Italy? Really? Yeah. Hang on, I got it. He bombed. This is called the bomb bandana.

Somebody throws a stinker out. They have to put this so we know who the last person who threw a fucking stinker out of. That's why you'll be saying. So your aches, and how? I talked to me. Talk to me. How do you love it?

I love it. But are you doing, are you waking up all night? I'm, my wife and I have a nice kind of flow going. We're up at three o'clock in the morning. If you need feeding, last night, he slept through seven hours at 10 days, that's gold. Is your wife Australian?

She's American Hungarian? Okay, so of course, you're fucking European Australian life is better than mine, is what you're saying. No, not necessarily. Oh, no. Your kid is six days in, sleep until the night. 10 days in, sleep until the night. Fucking, that's, he might be sick.

That's not right. He's, let me tell you the thesis. Another one. He could've said it. He could've said it. He could've done it down. Okay, I never used it with thesis. Okay, he could've done it.

He could've done it with another fucking idea. There you go. There's a fucking idea, dude. Okay, buddy, wait. Okay, he's the fucking idea, mate. Yeah. Okay, basically I'm fucking very glad that I'm pushing 40 and having a baby.

Right. Because the shitty nap is in the crying. It's all cool. I'm all fucking right for it. If I was to have this baby at 29, I'd currently, I would have killed myself. The suburb will be in danger. You know, it's the best thing ever. But it's really fucking hard to go,

because once the baby, like I used to nap a lot like me and don would fucking nap We'd nap at fucking 12 three Sixth 15 I'm gonna run down to the cell because I'm late as the I'm sorry, right? It was All that's gone that there's no more, there's nothing. You wake up at seven and you're up and that's it.

And he's, look, my baby doesn't sleep through the fucking night. That a little tougher time. He was up every two hours. That's hot. We've had some knots like that, only 10 days in. But yeah, we were every two hours he had to eat food. What if he said that and he's like, hey, sleep for the night.

Sleep for the night. And the next week his kids like every half hour, he's like, I curse myself. I curse myself. I'm not even worse. He's walking around little, little, little. What fucking couple can I call? What fucking couple can I call?

10 days old. Is she breastfeeding? Breastfeeding. Yeah, see, here's what we did. Breastfeeding is awesome. Why? Because you don't have tits that have milk come out of them. So what are you gonna do?

Wake up and stare at a tit. You get to stay in bed a little bit, right? Well. You get up with it when she breastfeeding? Yeah, dude. Every breastfeeding. Minus, okay, maybe one or two. And the reason is she's sleeping next to me.

There's no way she's gonna wake up without waking me up. I'm not the fucking best sleeper in the world. So you wake up when she wakes up. Pretty much. And you're up while she's feeding not the whole way So I'll give it that not the whole fucking way Two weeks in my wife said fuck this. I'm going to formula. Yeah, he got the claustrum the the whatever milk And I can't do this because I know it just was too hard and it was she was fucking a brand up And it was just breastfeeding is one of the hardest things.

If you see a woman breastfeeding, it's amazingly tough psychologically because you have to feed the baby, then pump, and then clean the pump every two hours, all fucking day long. Jesus. It's fucking ridiculous. Didn't you get those ridiculous mothers

that still breastfeed when the kids five? I'm so ridiculous about that. Oh, I love seeing that on kids five. I'm so ridiculous about that. I'm obviously in that on a positive note. I saw when I was waiting tables, we had a table that she was breastfeeding her four year old son and he was like just sitting on her leg. Oh, she's just like holding the bag.

He's cupping the other tip with his hand. He's like, oh, this is good. You wonder with that guy, like by the time he's 15 or 16 and encountering his first heavy petting. And he looks at a tit for the first time Oh But yeah, you I mean that first of all congratulations Thank you very much for this selfishly going to just said he might be ill

Love this man, but there's a funny thing that She's the only one who cracked up at that She's the only one who cracked up at that. Thank you. I did. Well, he's, I expect him. I don't know. No, but yeah, it's fucking terrible. It's terribly hard.

It really is. It's not easy. No, I agree. And you know what, it's very, but it's awesome. There is a fee that also gets credit and it's interesting that you pointed out, oh, there's books on it. Every fucking book is different.

One second, one second. Really, I apologize for his accent. Go ahead. No, where are you, mate? Anyway, I read these things that have got paper all through them and you guys call them books please don't do that again I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I think it good okay just so good what are you saying yeah the fact that all of the books are all different all of the advice from healthcare professionals is all different and all of it engenders massive amounts of fear. My kid got the formula made him constipated. Formula? Formula.

See, he talks goofy too. So then we switched to the sensitive which fucked him up even more. He got constipated. So he's crying because he has to shit but it's what happens if they don't shit it turns into rocks like fossilized. And then it fucking kills. When they try to pass it, you get to literally go in and pull it out of a kid. So I'm on three o'clock in the morning,

he's crying when your kid cries, and you've had a not a father, it breaks your fucking heart. It is nothing. You're just like what the fuck? So I'm on YouTube, I'm watching this grainy Russian video where the ladies holding the baby's legs like over its head and pushing down and then shit came out.

So I did it. But I'm sitting there going, I don't know. I'm like, all of a sudden I did it and I push and it mushed this and a poop came out. But I'm like, I could have snapped his neck. Was he immediately relieved? No, I mean shit came out, but I talked to the doctor and he goes, don't do that ever again. Dude, I could have snapped his fucking baby neck.

And what about you? And what about you? I'm gonna be an old Russian catching. I learned how to tame a bear and I make a baby poop. You'll think baby you're bending. You'll bend him, it legs over feet. You have to say action. You have to understand that.

Bear is bad, you're beating your legs over feet. Everybody has these different advices. We don't want our baby sleeping. We have friends that let the baby sleep in the bed. And they're two. No, that's incredible. No. My kid's six months, he sleeps in his own room.

Yep. And how was Hall Hard was the first night in his own room? Well, we did look at Manick. It's still hard because he wakes up every hour now. Every couple hours he's been waking up because he's starting to teeth came out. So it changes all the time, like he'll be good, he slept through the night for like a week

and we're like, fucking, what's up, what back, baby? And then all of a sudden he starts waking up and then we had to kind of sleep training him again. So last night we had to let him cry for 10 minutes, which is fucking, dude, we're both looking into, like two women and she got to do it. And he's like, and it's like, 10 minutes, which is fucking, dude, we're both looking at each other. Two women, she got to do it. And he's like, and it's like, and dude, fuck you. If he said, he said, dad, he's just sleeping in the bed with me.

But we bring him in the bed. We let him cry. And last night he finally went out. And then this morning, in the morning, when he wakes up, we bring him in bed. He can come in the morning for like a half hour or so but all night he's got to be in that thing that's fucking terrible it's hard to do well my friend has two three-year-old boys that are twins and he and I was over in his house and we're playing video games his sons were napping and they woke up and one of his sons was just grumpy shit, but he was just like, and he was like crying in his bed and he's like, daddy! Ah! They were like sitting there playing NCAA College football

and I'm like, hey, you should kick off. And he's like, yeah, you know, my kid's just screaming daddy right now. Yeah, and then he goes in the room and the kid's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And then the twins sees that that kid's getting attention. So the twins is laughing and running around. And I'm like playing with him. And sees that that kid's getting attention. So the twin is laughing and running around and I'm like playing with him. And he sees his brother's getting attention. So he just starts going, this is fucking madness.

Yeah, that's see, I'm not playing. I'm not I'm not playing video. If my kid cries the TV the TV you know what I'm saying? But my point is, you go out. Is he a grizzled vet and he just knows that he's just grumpy from a nap? And he's like, I he's three, I'm gonna let him cry a little. No, no, no, I don't give a fuck. If my kid goes daddy, the game shuts off, you leave, and I go hang out with my fucking kid for a minute,

and fucking talk to him, I'll hang out with him, I'll do something with him. I just imagine your suds gonna be overwhelmed with parenting now. I'm father says they can't hang out with people that might be bad for my reading level. Good. I'm gonna teach my kid, he's taking piano lessons

and jiu-jitsu so we can beat the shit out of the people make fun of him playing piano. Do you think it's the ass, Matt? Oh, I don't like all kids. Sometimes when I sweat, I get irritated and I found out that if I yell down, he might find that we'll come all the things. Sometimes when I sweat, I get irritated, and I found out that if I yell, Dad, he might try, there will come. When did his dad become a 65-year-old retiree?

You know, you know? He's a nice, uh-uh. We moved to Bogota, you know, called me. I feel like it's a Jewish voice. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, it's very Jewish. Very Jewish, you never. I just feel the weakness.

Yeah. That's because I don't have much strong, airy voice, huh? Simon. Yes. Yeah That's because I don't have my strong area voice Yes, if you heard your kid screaming in the other room and you were playing video games with Dan We're hang on one second Would you what would you do I'd go through the wall? You I would move through that wall When you hear a baby crying you're thinking at your next one night stand better put two on The others of the year. The others of the year. The others of the year. The others of the year. The others of the year.

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out of your system you all right this this says, you'll get used to a Bobby, give it a couple years, hearing your kid cry won't affect you as much. What the fuck? But that's what I was trying to say about my friend. He knew his son wasn't in danger. He knew his son was grumpy from a nap. That's why I fucking let him cry a little bit.

He wasn't like, fuck you kid. So he gets the grittled red medal. No, I, he got a little cry, little bit. This is, this is Marco from the Jersey jerks. I don't know what the fuck this means. Try pulling an eight in string out of your kid's ass. Like, like try it, like it, it's a fun thing to do or a tampon or something.

Like, like swallow this string. Do I put it up there and then try it? Or maybe that was the greatest. But there's a dream something, does it keep going? Well, that would definitely wake him up. Maybe what? Forget it, do was definitely waking up. Maybe what? Forget it.

It doesn't matter. What'd you say? It does matter. We need you. Not really. You have a show. This is a cock heavy show. Most of your shows are.

Oh my god. What do you want for Chess about that? Yeah. What the fuck is your problem? I'm not. No, I mean that in bad way. No. When you say something, it's like, yeah, talk now. Forget it. Don't what the fuck is your problem? No, I mean that in bad way. No, when you say something, it's like, yeah, talk now, forget it.

Don't what the fuck is that? It doesn't sound that good, it doesn't matter. Wasn't good? Oh, let us be the judge of that. Come on, no. That's why we got the bomb in there. Come on, man. There's something wrong with her tonight.

There's something awful. What's wrong? What's happening? Is it the kid conversation? Do you not into that? No, I don't care. They're not my kids. I don't have to. Do you not into that? No, I don't care. They're not my kids. I don't know if it's you.

Do you want to have kids? No. No, I'm going to want kids at all. Not even like a little bit. No. I don't know. That's such a, the fact that you're so stirred on that I like dogs.

I like dogs. I like dogs. I like dogs. Why do you prefer dogs? They don't understand it. They're great. No, but can I say something though? Because when they die at 12, it's still here? Why do you prefer dogs? Don't understand it. They're great. No, but can I say something though? Because when they dialed 12, it's not a tragedy.

But I said the same shit five years ago. I said that me and my wife, my wife was the same way. Yo, yeah, 25 years of giving knuckles, fuck you. We were in a rubah, okay. It was less than five years ago. In a rubah, we went to a rubah every year. Two weeks before Christmas, we spent 10 days in a rubah. One year we decided to go, we always said that these boutique places, some of them

where they didn't allow fucking families, like kids couldn't go. And one year we decided we got this fucking, literally, 10 days in a rubah for 500 bucks, but it was this brand new family hotel. We were like, fuck it, let's go do it. The room's huge and brand new and every, so we go there and it's all families. It's all kids. The jacuzzi was just a fucking, just a Petri dish, you know,

kids toys floating foam from his. Pissed in there. And, um, those little dicks. And we, we realized, we wet little bodies running around. All right, fucking Lewis. We, we, we were like, fuck this.

I go, honey, I don't want, I don't want kids. She's like, I don't fucking want them either. I go, who cares? Let's just fucking live our lives, we'll be happy, we'll vacation, we'll get, we'll get more dogs when they die, we'll fucking get some more pets, we'll just live that way. She was like, fuck kids.

And then, out of nowhere, out of fucking nowhere. One day, I said to her, I go, I think I want a kid, she was like, me too, I think I do too. And that's how it happened. She was like, I've been thinking about it too. We were so against it, we were like never gonna do it. Those are hard places.

Those are hard places to see kids, like a vacation. But if I'm on a morning flight doing a gig and kids are screaming. I'm like fuck kids. I love kids Yeah, but I'm that guy now and I don't give a fuck yeah, like I knew I was gonna become that guy Sweating with stains on my polo shirt Smelling like formula and fucking you know shit so funny when like I've sat on a plane with like the dad and the kid Yeah, when the dad just gets to talk like a normal dude for a little bit, it's sit down. Hey, you see that. Mangle's game is like, oh my god. Yeah, I saw it. Thank God. Thank God you're here. Yeah. You're like a normal dude. It's like, hey, your kid needs you. He's like, yeah, be right back. Hey, buddy. Hey, pal. That's a dad voice. But you know,

that's true. He's got to go back into being that phony. Hey, buddy. Everything's all right. And I'm like, no, it's not. I got my Xbox with me. I'm a giant child. I don't jerk off in the fucking drain over the shower. I'm trying to fucking get it around your mother's hair. I've started to feel bad for, I mean, I'm not even a parent. And I feel bad for parents of babies with their crying

because the parents always have the same look. But I can't fuck this like this fucking guy. Not me. You said you'd adopt, right? No, I said absolutely. So you don't want anything to do with a family. I want somebody else's mistake. Do you want to get married?

Do you want to get married? Or you just, you don't even do that. I think I would have a kid if I could have the guy role. Okay. You know, like the guy role, where you do a lot less. Okay. If you just do a lot less work. So if the guy stayed like an Eric Rivera type situation, The guy role where you do a lot less work. Okay. You just do a lot less work.

So if the guy stayed like an eric Rivera type situation. You want Mr. Mom from Michael Keaton? Michael Keaton from Mr. Mell, I don't know. I don't know. I can do to have the role where it's like, hey, I come in once in a while, I buy some gifts. You want my gift? You want to die? You want to die as a rose at You want to be mad at him?

I love how she's fucking just, that's not the guy real you're fucking asshole. That's what I want to do. What a shit thing to say. She's like, I want to fuck some chicken at home. Then you want some me to be fun, huh? Give me a lift. He said, that's more like the grandad.

That's like, we roll in and just, we're not fucking my father. So what would you, what would you want at a moment? Do you think I roll, say, here's some gifts, kid. I'll see you next week. I don't know if he'll fuck away. But okay, like, what would you want out of the family? Do you think I was saying here's some gifts kid, I'll see you next week. I don't know if he'll fuck away. But okay, like I don't want to have to get up, the person I get's up the most at night.

Do you know what I mean? That's what I mean, I don't want that wrong. So you don't want to breastfeed. I don't want the mother role. You don't want to feed the kid. I want the guy role. You, you, I had to feed the kid too. Not the most.

So you, what you, you, you got you. Got you. No, she's absolutely right now. I want the guy responsible. So you this is such a comedian that's such a fucking comic thing to say, I want to be able to do spots. Yeah. And come home. So you want to be on the road. Do you think and come on, be like, all you took care of the kid. Look, you're some money. Go buy yourself something something nice I bought the bacon good for you I have the same fantasy though just coming off the

vote and just like tucking a little baby in the bed and that's all I did you know I just keep sleeping my job here is done yeah but I get no but I'm she has a fucking point. I mean, Don, my wife, I would, I, one day I said, I go, God, get the fuck out of here, I got it. I know how to change a diaper, I know how to make the bottles, I know how to fucking, when he cries, I know how to put his onesies on,

which is a fucking nightmare, by the way, the buttons, it's like a straight jacket. It's like fucking working with Chris Angel. And I always use their hands like him in fists, and I can't get their fists through like the little arm things, the sleeves. And it was killing. This is fucking hey, hand that rocks the cradle.

I love fucking, we're talking about other kids, people's kids. I'm going in, the kids are sleeping, and I like to put them in different air. I'll break my head, I'll break my head. I'm not gonna break something. That was, that was, that was, that was, I'm sorry. So, yeah, looking at flexing. That was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, that was, I'm so, so, so, so, so, yeah, but I,

I watched it for six hours and she came back and I was like, hey, what's up? And I, I didn't tell her at all. I was like, yeah, cool, yeah, sure, how was it? She came back and like, how was it? I was like, yeah, that's cool, whatever. I freaked the fuck out. Like, I would never tell her.

I hope she never listens to this. It was the fucking heart, he started crying. I changed, we tried to put, it was a fucking, one of the hardest things I ever did. Now, imagine waking up at seven and doing that all day until 10, every fucking day. Did you almost call her? Did you almost call her?

No, dude, but did you call your mom? Huh? I didn't call your mom. No, dude, I fucking, I handled my business. I dealt with it, but the certain points like I had to put them down and just walk away. Because it's like, I don't know what the fuck. Because you take it personally,

you take crying personal. You're in the middle of the kitchen, you're just like, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I had a little thing I stick but no you take Ryan personal like when the kid goes mad Well, you don't fucking like me what I do. I'm in like my whole life You're supposed to like me you fuck and you guys read the rule that will okay, I've fed you I've changed you you slept I'll fed you I've changed you your slip. Yeah, what else? Yeah, here's the thing. It's feeding Shit piss right or tired, but you always forget one I fed you, and then there's just a big load in his pants and like, fuck me. But no, but I understand that.

I mean, she's got a point. So you don't even want to get married. How old are you? 35. You're 35, and that, that, fuck it. I love it. I love the fact that you, no. Well, Doc Collins says I can't commit to anything,

so that's my thing. Oh, okay. First of first of all is not a doctor never really get a lot of credit yeah you get a lot of credit very best island yeah he had a community college course in queens that him and his wife is like i don't know if you know

that i don't have a degree rich on doctor when you go in there no i just don't know right his check out to doctor i don't know he's he's been trying to write a book for nine years Richard for Mont every August Richard Lewis came in here in 1978 to start talking to me. I started doing that So you know that bomb in is on there. It's on No, but I but I that might change though you might meet somebody and him I felt the same way fuck kids, but now I can't even Like I go to fuck home and I'm like, oh, I can't wait to see him. I can't wait to hold

When you get home tonight, he's obviously gonna be in bed. He's in bed tonight. Yeah, but I go home early now I don't fuck around it. It focuses your time better like I don't have time to Fuck off like I don't have time to play a video game. I don't have time to fuck off. Like I don't have time to play a video game. I don't have time to, no, I'm dead. Some of us do. Look dude, I know, look I did that. I enjoy it. Look man, you know what I mean? Some of us make whole nights around it actually.

Yeah, some of us come over to our friends house in Queens. Yeah, you're only 35. I'm 30. And I just wanted to say that. Seven. But yeah, I fucking love it. And I love being around them. So you got to really You got to manage your time better. It made me a better person, I think

Daws like the the priorities absolutely change I'm gonna let me Simon I'm just the accent Oh fucking yeah I can talk about my kid like he's sick. Oh fucking hell yeah I've been waiting to go back. I've been waiting to go back I do know I've got to keep dingos away from him He goes to the biggie What were you just going to say you it does what?

Make sure you get now no Well the priorities are there You know what I mean like and once more I would hate to be having a baby at 25 or 29 You know I'd be fucking god only knows what know what I mean like and once more, I would hate to be having a baby at 25 or 29, you know, the fucking God only knows what. But 39? Rock and roll, great.

Here's the advantage of having a kid when you're 25, is that when you're 40, he's, it's done. So now, you're 50. So now, now you get to do your 50s, when you wife and go have fun when you want to have fun. Like I'm going to be 60. I'm gonna be 60 It's got a great joke If you're a dad at 25 of course he does if you're a dad at 25 and you hit 40 your chronologically 74

You know what I mean you are exhausted That's why he's not industed. Yeah, your skin looks so young and fresh Bobby because you waited so happy Why did you wait it's a little bit worse? Oh wow, that was just a bit of puncher outside of a bar and everyone's like why did you just hit that? What are you is that the know that I was like a fucking old glitch that was like a noir detective to a villain Yeah, it's gonna happen to you. It was set up to nice came to me. Sorry. Are you talking? Then you're right in the free shot You must go back to the side shot higher higher higher Are you talking You're not graceful enough That's it breakies legs

Kelly you sent your back to the cool off Do you want a kid? Yes, I want a lot of kids Yeah, I want kids right now I want kids with a rich man So so I don't have to wait tables. Speak, please. That's right, I love baby singing for Joe. Oh, I got a rich guy to buy a comedy club and make me the house,

that way. I love it, I think. I'm just showing up, that could be a thing. I'm going through like Toledo, working like fucking Kelly. So I can have the front gone high, Dan. Hello, Dan. I'm going to be home for high down. Hello, Dan! I'm gonna be hosting for you.

My husband Derek bought this place. He used to be a blockbuster. I'm hosting it. I'm host-fitting. I'm still at half host-fitting for credit, alright. I'm gonna do 40 at France in New York. Okay, no tea again, so any merch. I've got to defend your straight action.

I can't even hear words anymore. It just sounds like we feel. It is pretty. I know how a defend your straight action. I can't even hear words anymore. It just feels like it. It feels like it. It is pretty good. I know how we feel. Good feel. It is on the monitor. Our job has been fulfilled.

You don't like it when it feels like that to you. You're hating, but we're here. Exactly, we're here. Yeah, Kelly, you'd love that, wouldn't you? That would be great. Kelly's gonna drive you to radio. She pull up in a fucking elder rato uh... this is outdated dodged a ranger

i'd be a harsh man to because i'm talking to louis like my i've a visit james just picking up and then no i'll scratch the other uh... you know what i have that's what i get for that no but i'm and i was talking to louis about that james did and lose is like what you can now that's a like that is not parenting i'm like well. I mean like you're being too you're babing him too much sometimes.

You don't let it go. You're doing what the fuck? I'm not the boss. He is the man left for two hours. Because he was this a girl doesn't know how to change a shit diaper. She comes over to babysit for me. Yeah. Right, I go, Kelly. You come over, please help me out.

I'm a dad. I didn't because we moved up up to the fucking burbs and we didn't have she's a girl come up I go okay Kelly I was supposed to be gone no she's supposed to be alone with my fucking kid Thank God my meeting got canceled so I was just in the other room doing some shit She's watching the kid first of all doesn't shut the fuck up the whole Hey Maxie Maxie! Look over, Maxi! Maxi, is it there going? Dick, fucking get this thing going. Oh, no!

Keep this fucking the other one there. I'm gonna fucking hit her with the face, duh, duh. I keep trying to act like I was asleep. He loved me. Dude, my finger nails are really sharp, duh. I'm gonna scratch your face. I'm gonna take a fucking eye out, bitch. She's gonna lean over.

I'm gonna grab one of those fucking club pits. Love him and a fucking, dude. I go, she goes to fucking he's got to be changed. I go well go up and change him She she goes I've never changed the she died I've changed pay pay but I've never changed shit before yeah, it's just what the fuck babysitter doesn't Hi dance other every babysitter. I only do So tell your kid to knock on out before you leave Have I you though shit diaper? I watched the close-up ever been watch that you do not watch the art Nate's wife was like I think she goes look at Harper's Dapper

Green I was like, I love that they love to show you this shit Yeah, they was like, I just say Harper shit. Yes, my girl. Yes, I did. She pulled the thing, that's when we noticed the thing around my son's peepee. Whoa. You made me look at it and I'm like, I don't know what on

this. I made it blow my son. I'm like, oh, my God. Is that what you're talking about? What's your mouth on that and fix it? Oh my God. Oh, boy. No, the point with Lewis was that, um, what did you do to James?

No, no, no, no, I said to Lewis that James is like, he's an eighth now where he is understanding right from wrong. At least, right. You also know he is Lewis's son. Lewis is such a terrible one second. Why did you laugh at that? Because he's understanding right from wrong. Yeah, he's ten months old.

Ten months. That's insane. No. Lewis says it's not right from that. You know what the bad thing about Lewis is the perfect mix of sensitive and insensitive. I bought my friend who would show the other night and Lewis comes up to me and he's like, Hey man, is your friend gay? And I was like, no, why?

I was like, I just called him a faggot and he got really uncomfortable That's just gay people who don't like to be called faggot That's not losing a fucking nutshell. I don't know what is something is your buddy gay I just told him he's a fucking faggot and he's like upset like I'm upset But I like that what did you do to the baby? You did. No, no, no, nothing. It's just that I was saying Lewis, like he knows,

what did he say to him? Like you give him positive reinforcements, like yes, yes, or no, he knows. He gets proud of himself when he does good and he gets scared when he does something bad. There's wires because their house is a deaf trap. There's wires everywhere and he kept grabbing at these wires. What? What did he mean in that house? You really get to like, there house is a death trap. There's wires everywhere. And you keep grabbing at these wires.

What? What do you mean they're house? You make it sound like there's a live wire. Like from the back and forth, and you've got to get what you're speaking to. Talk together. The TV on the wall and the VCR. And the VCR.

And the VCR. Hang on one second. There's wires. There's wires hanging out of one of the TV's connected to the wall and stuff. And he likes to grab it. Where are the wires for the TV supposed to come out of? Well, they're not hidden away.

When you've got a kid that's crawling, you've got to like, this thing you do to put them up. No, but they're hanging her out. It's just because of the spider. It's broken a lot of holes in here. Yeah, that's it. They're telling you. I got a hole going on here.

There's my like Adrian, her tongue, because she's a very fucking precise immediate response to you. You know what she is? What? She's the female sniper. Yeah, she's she's a very fucking precise immediate response to you. You know what she is? What she if she's the female sniper? She's a frost in the building and she's Yeah, she's like me for daddy except with a better accent Exactly, and then she just picks her cigarette on off the ledge. She's like There's like a corner of the room. There's just like computer wires and motor

Yeah, they probably put all their wires in one corner and stop them. No, no, but they don't stop him the motor is 90s 92 It's a 56k modem the discs of America online Bored in a country Normal That was born in a country. That is normal. What would you call that, dude?

That's time I'm loving that. Let me do my scope up. Kelly, what's your excuse? No, you shouldn't know what you're supposed to do is let Kelly start talking and then say it really aggressively in a queen's accent. Kelly, what's your excuse? Can you give them a banana?

That one's trying to get me. No, I'm not paying them the bananas. I was going to say, fuck you, sco-co-ru, bullying me and the band-a-dance. I was referencing your bomb, so technically, you know. Guys, let's stop party on the social stream like that, sis. Let's hang on a second. Let's get back to Kelly. Can we get back to Kelly's fucking story

because I want Adrian to pick it apart. Well, this is a thing, like, no-leash. Adrian's just standing on a roof just looking down at Kelly's shitty story. And I got a little dots on its head. Go ahead. Normally when there's a kid crawling around, do you have to like, try to prove the house? How do you know?

You've never cleaned a shit diaper. How many kids have you been around? I've been growing up like kids all laugh. I've been looking at all the kids. I've never great up like kids I've been around as many kids as you before I had a kid that I was a baby Sam Morel more than you and the baby You Jimmy Hendrix the baby I called my mom came over and cleaned up and I left it baby You Jimmy Hendrix to baby

Baby What do I do mom guys I'll come over and help you And listen so so so what's your point? Oh no my point was was that he kept on grabbing the wise and I was like James No, and you let look at me and test me. I'm like no, no, no put him down and he would put them down and it would play 50 minutes later. He go and he looks at you and test you like Lewis would do like you know He's like what are you gonna do? Yeah, it's like what you know? Lewis does it with penises Lewis don't grab that dick. I'm gonna grab that dick Units is yeah, I'm gonna grab that dick. Lewis don't grab that dick. I'm gonna grab that dick

And then I think it's like an hour later He did it twice and he put it down cuz he knew and he was like okay an hour later He really made yeah, but he remembered and he went to put the why like grab the wire again I was like on my phone for a second I Please take the shot I take a shot please take the shot take the shot we take this Adrian take the shot Adrian the net is wide open. I mean you can have the shot Back into the left back into the left kids playing with wires she gets on her phone for a second Alayda and he went to put him in his mouth and I just Open your situation

Just went Like I was like snout James and he knew so I wait he's Yeah, you just screamed at the kid cuz you know watching him. He's biting wires the kid because you know watching him he's biting wires. He's like when you when you kill Lewis's baby he's gonna kill you. Sorry. He needed a first of all if you lose his baby, a bit into a wire. He's like, King Kong, he gets stronger. Hey, Dad, you don't lie,

I'm driving my feeding. She wants to warn us. Oh, Dad, can I wire chew? I am a spin, I'm a spin on the fucking monitor. Oh, shit. All right, Dad, so what I just got into? Yeah, just wire chew it. He did.

What's the time time I did that? Jack, you know what, there's the water, dude. There's still a lot of dirt to have. He did this, this is hilarious. I was the water girl, the silk a lot of dirt. He did this, this is hilarious. I was over, Kelly's defense. I was at Lewis's, and we're watching UFC, and I was holding James on my legs, like playing with him, and he's fine, and then Lewis gets on the phone with you,

and he just starts crying. And he's like, ah, you know what, James, hey, it's all right. It's all right, and then Lewis is on the phone with you, he's like, I don't know, I gave him a soda immediately and started crying. So I'm just, I gave him a soda. It's just soda. He's like, I gave him a bunch of jolt cola. He doesn't like surge.

Right when he's crying on the phone with Bobby and then bought and then Lewis is like, James, James comes over and James goes immediately from me like, yeah, yeah. It's like, and like last look at me, I was like, you little psycho. It's there, that's a test you all the time. That's why I'm glad that you say that I,

my wife is with the kid more because my wife's personality, she's more relaxed, she's less stressed She's happier So the kids get the kids gonna have that he's gonna absorb that more than my fucking anxiety I could have told you that when I watched your dogs because you were like Dude you gotta come over here. They fucking eat it this time. You got a fucking walk on make sure we have the fucking bag And do the keys right next to the thing and don's like It's like outside make sure

Call some room of you And I'm like alright thanks Don but I'm sick did you get off at there? Did you write it down? You should write it down Don't fucking my house I didn't fuck in your house you fucked in my shower But did you really yeah? Show that lady friend ladies was a user I got a blowjob on the couch. Yeah, really Kelly I heard him getting head what oh, man. I had a baby I never told them that's hilarious my baby my baby Recorded as a baby monitor downstairs not upstairs. He's like slept at ass

I literally heard some evil shit like fucking yeah you fucking I didn't say that you're You say get to you bag How's it gonna say if anything scope a scope? Oh really does have cinematics hair Where he's got like that laying on a leather couch getting a blow? You're all fuck you're He's got that hair cut and it's getting a blow. You're all fuck you're all. He's got that haircut. And it's still dressing girl. Ellie, you got some in my house too, right? Yeah, it's next, but I asked you beforehand if I'm allowed to because that was my boyfriend at the time.

You blew him, right? Yeah. And you fucked. No, we fucked. No, on the bed. No, the rules. There's a rule. You don't, you can fuck. No fucking on the bed. No fucking on the bed.

So we fucked in the shower and then we, on the couch and on the towel on the couch as well just in case you on the and Smith got a blowjob on my roommates a bed last night was just fucking well Dave Smith picked peace good for him yeah a lot of jizz maybe I don't know he doesn't know when it doesn't know it was

out for the night but uh... we would be a chick we nabbed two girls from the account app Christmas Jesus nabs nabs We were a chick. We nabbed two girls from the account. Nabbed. Jesus. Nabbed. Did you hit him over the head? No, I feel guilty. Every time I can't just say I picked up. You put an iPhone 5 on the fucking sidewalk and then went to pick it up. You clubbed them.

It sounds like a van pulled up. It just opened a door and it sounds like you're all going wrong. Sam, we met, we met, Sam is lovely women and they consenting. We came with us Sam just didn't shave it for a day. It looked like he was wearing a ski mask Wolf boy face

I'm not happy with it current masculine damn you can fuck that by brows Look cook can be my older terrorist Yeah, you guys really do a lot of them bombing brother like pop it eyebrows Yeah, you guys really do have a poppin bombing brother. I have like puppet eyebrows Justin up just in that place. He ate a string the kid ate a string He didn't put the string up. Yeah, it's not a fun game. You can play with the kids asshole He ate his drink and and it wasn't coming out so I had to I had to man up That happens though. I remember I said Kelly shook Lewis's baby. Yeah, no, I didn't I swallowed

coins once when I was a kid. Well, there we go. Is that what you call fucking jizz? No, my dad said it. And my Adrian space is my own enjoyment. Do you get you get the well Adrian, do you get the I don't know if you never know when she's on the show if she's fucking hating this or she's loving it So I'm glad that she's all right good good good time. I love that we finally have a sniper back on the show Yeah, she's she's very much like I was feel protected. I feel protected Yeah, maybe you should just sit there too and get you know that everyone's in a while. He just throw one out. Yeah All right, let's just switch gears a little bit more than every once in a while. He just throw one out. Yeah. All right, let's just switch gears a little bit. I think we're gonna do the ads.

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which I don't get. Seriously. I don't know what a lifetime limited, why would it be, if it's a lifetime, why is it limited? Anyway, you get that. So you've got a sign told you? It's your Al Lebel right there. And, well, give me that pain, danisota

Yeah, you know what I like it. I liked it So there you go. Can I ever tell my Al Lubell story? Al Lubell Who's Al Lubell quickly? That's why you know, great joke writer Great joke writer Oh great guy. Yeah, really nice fucking phenomenal joke. What like what are they right for? Comedy comedy you got the stage?

You got the stage? But on lettermen a million times, it's great. Yeah, he's fucking, I love that. He's a great guy. Yeah. Um, he, I was in this rent to car place near my house one day. And there's a line and, you know, a lot of rent to car places in New York City, they take every reservation, knowing that people are going to cancel.

And they run out of cars. But they always will go and hustle and get a couple cars. You just get to wait, right? People panic. I fucking ordered a car. gonna cancel and they run out of cars, but they always will go and hustle and get a couple cars. You just get to wait, right? People panic, I fucking ordered a car. I need to get to fucking Long Island. You know, they get all fucked up, but I know this. So I come in, I'm just whatever, I chill out, I'm gonna shit, right?

He's super relaxed, always relaxed. Well, with this, with people asking about Bobby Kelly. Oh that fucking that low pressured Bob cool, so what happened to shake But in this situation I was relaxed. I knew the I knew they're gonna get cars So I just and I knew people are gonna leave too people always fucking leave I'm gonna take away my business. Yeah, do you feel about that hurts rental car so so I'm sitting there and there's a line for the people there's a line he's got my hasn't changed the fucking shot in an hour because he's terrified yeah now just just like a

German journalist so I'm a little sorry but I did leave it on the three enjoy yourself take the rest of the podcast often so I um I go in I'm sitting there and they go oh there he comes look all the five there he's coming I'm like what and everybody looks out the window and it's Al-Obel. You know those fucking long, you know the garages that have the long indoor dry, the second hill inside. He's peddling his bike up that hill with a fucking big winter coat on with the hood pulled up. I mean, just fucking everybody's just hot looking at fucking Al-Obel.

Trying to make it as wobbling as he gets to the top. And he comes in, I'm like, oh my god, it fucking Al-Ubel, trying to make it his wobbling is he gets at the top, and he comes in, I'm like, oh my God, it's Al-Ubel. He comes in, he opens the door, just a crack and sticks his big throw in there, and he just starts fucking, you know, you could have fucking told somebody that they were fucking, you know, I ordered a car,

you should have the fucking cars, you know? This is bullshit, it's bad fucking business. I have a car, I mean, are you gonna get cars, are you not gonna get fucking cars? What am I supposed to do now? I have to fucking, and I just snaps. And then she goes, she goes, very calmly, sir. Listen, it's not our fault, you know,

this is what happens, we, you know, we take all the reservations, we're gonna get cars, where people are working on it right now, but it's not my, I didn't do this to you. I'm sorry, but it's just the way the business works. And he goes, well, look, I know it's, you know, it's like you're a fault.

You know, I know it's, you know, I'm just trying to get a car. And then he looks over and sees me, and I'm literally a foot away from his face, just smiling. And he goes, did you see that whole thing? And I went, I was a fucking lou- and I loved every fucking second of it. Lou And he goes okay, I'll see if you shut the door and left. That's the last time I saw Alubal Yeah, I was fucking bro. I love seeing somebody. You know lose it in public without you knowing you're there

That's phenomenal. It's like because he's like the nicest dude the nicest the aloe bell. I've never seen swear I've never seen him I was shocked I was shocked that was fucking brilliant aloe bell. That's a great best. I love it. Great I I don't snap at the rent I remember the plane I was on my way to the stress factory the plane I'm watching the TV in the fucking rent the car place. I see a plane Land on the Hudson. Yeah. Oh, you saw that?

Yeah, I saw it. I was renting a car to go to the stress factory. And I went, I'm looking at the plane, I go, they're gonna shut down everything. So I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go get a train. I just left. I just walked the fuck, I don't, there's something about renting cars

that I don't care. I don't, I don't stress out. Yeah. Yeah, if you see a plane in the fuck, I don't, there's something about renting cars that I don't care. Anyway, I don't stress out. Yeah. Yeah, if you see a plane in the Hudson, probably not gonna drive anywhere and around the city. Yeah, they shut down the tunnels and the bridges. Yeah. Cause a plane landed in the Hudson. Anyways, I want to talk about this, because this is, have you ever, you did Letterman and

you killed it. Phenomenal set. I'm serious. Thank you. It was phenomenal fucking, I'm being dead serious. It was fucking great. Yeah, I know I'm getting to it phenomenal But I mean After the set

You come out. This is what I loved about what you did. Okay, I've never seen you comedy, huh? I've never seen you do stand up, but you come out and you're so, you're uncomfortable to you. I mean, your set is, I thought you could come out and blah, but you did this fucking real personal. It was kind of fucking weird, uncomfortable. You know, it was just like, and all of a sudden,

you started building and it was fucking killing it. was just like, and all of a sudden, you started building, and it was fucking killing it. I was like, this is fucking great. And everybody's into it, and it was edgy. It was kind of fucked for Letterman. It was super edgy. Really edgy shit, and for a chick to be doing that too, you know what I mean?

And he said he came up to you after and he brought you back on the couch. Yeah, but he didn't really say anything to me. But what? All right. So he comes up. You're done. You know, you killed it, right? You know, you degrade. I felt good about it. Yeah. Yeah. And then he comes up to you. What does he say? This is what I always want to ask because you always see that little whisper shit and the little handshake or whatever the fuck it is. When I first got there, they said, okay, you're going to come onto the set. And then when you're done,

he'll come on the stage, shake your hand, and you'll wait for the producers to come on and they'll walk you off the stage. So he comes on stage, he shakes my hand, and they're just leaving me on the stage. So I said, okay, and they're like, all right, go sit on the couch. And I'm like, are we taking pictures?

I had no idea what's going on. So I go- So are we taking pictures? No, I was just like, I have no idea what's going on. So I go, no, I just like I have no idea what's going on. So I go sit on the couch and like well Dave's gonna close the show with you. I'm just like why? Like I have no idea why. So I was just kind of mortified because I'm like I have no idea what's going on. But I'm like excited because I'm like this is amazing. But you know he just says my name says where I'm gonna be that weekend.

And I don't know he did lean over and say something I'm gonna be that weekend and I don't know He did lean over and say something to me and everyone's asked me. I have no idea what he said tonight I can help you have no idea. No idea. Maybe he was just like thanks for being here. I have no idea what he said Probably hitting on you if you listen to this I'll make your career if you listen to this And the weird thing is like everyone said to me like that wasn't I mean the producers and them said like he never does that I've never seen I love Letterman and I Don't think I've ever seen him bring a comedian over to the couch really like I don't think I've ever seen a show Ended with him sitting there with the comedian. It's usually the comedian comes on does the set and then it's back to Letterman

And he says thank you If that if this was fucking 10 years ago, you'd have your own sitcom now. Yeah. This was 20 years ago. She wouldn't be sitting in the same room as her. No, she would be, I mean, seriously, that, No, because she's a woman and she,

no, no, no, no, no, no, man. And now when you're saying about her set, it's set up punch, it was kind of like the throwback style of late night, but there's such edge and it's so personal You and Dan Adam and had the two best sets on letter. I love fucking Dan Adam Like you to like watching you to me, too There's always the thing about speaks French Yeah, the only thing the the thing about letterman to this day

It intimidates the shit out of me out of all late night shows because I feel like the caliber the comedians they put on there Like yeah, how they do their style is something that I like, and so like fuck, I wish I can do that, where it's like, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Smooth Southern delivery. It's monologues. It's set up punch tag. But what happens with that, it can be very boring and fucking generic. Because once I realize you're doing set up punch tag, I'm out. Once I get it, this is what you're doing, I'm done.

But there's certain people that do it and I forget. It's almost like like I like storytelling comics because the punch set of punch tags are hidden inside of this thing. But when really good jokes are told, but they're personal, it's almost like that where you can forget about like, Natham and did it, you did it.

I was listening to what you were saying about your life and you were making me laugh and I was forgetting that it was a joke. I hate when comics who do that, you know it's a joke. It's almost like a knock knock joke, like the guy walked into the bar, you know what I mean? Like I like when you can hide that. You did it in Adam and Griffin does it.

So there is, I don't think I could do, I can't go on to Letterman and tell a fucking I don't think I could do it because my you know Dave Do you accept silly voices? You yeah, I can't you know is can you a silly voice comedy on your show? Yeah, you'd fucking bomb what you fucking jokes and you break into a Russian voice Yeah, it's always there Bobby But here's the thing is after like when I did I did Jimmy Kimmel I did mediocre. I really did I did fuck I've always done mediocre on every show late night

I tried to ever done and he had me sit down and it was fucking awful because I go I'm doing a gig in Atlanta I'm doing the Atlanta punchline and I'm like he goes what do you got? I was like yeah, I'm gonna be the Atlanta punchline nobody goes. Yeah, we're not on in Atlanta Oh, no, and I'm like thanks., I'm gonna be the Atlanta punchline. Nobody goes, yeah, we're not on in Atlanta. Oh, no. And I'm like, thanks. I just, I just, I just, I look like I'm next to Ryan Reynolds and fucking some other sexy fucking famous broad. And it's just like, wha, wha.

Do I, he's playing Atlanta? I'm the punchline, I'm the ring. I tell you, the first time I did Carson Daly, I did so bad, but I was so happy that down at the cellar, they were showing it, but there's no sound. Oh, it's perfect. But the fucking stupid closed caption asshole wrote, Light Laughter.

Oh, really? Sitting next to Steve Burns. And I'm like, oh, that's cool. I'm really, I'm really. She's underneath this bordering on ball. The first joke, blah, blah, blah, you see me stop talking. Light Laughter. I was so happy, but this on the first job. The club apply you see me stop talking light laughter. I was so happy, but this is the best part about that story.

It's three years later. I saw such burns on the same show. Same fucking thing. That's what light laughter was fucking like, yes. And then you met the guy that does close caption for him eight years later. He's like, how you doing? I do a close caption over it last call with Carson Daly.

I fucking took your career down a notch Cuts over to Carson's monologue Howling we're doing all right? You face me out of this no, I'm not trying to face you out and Dan is already there. I'm fucking nothing to lose right now I'm got the jacket on I gotta go anyway, so after you got to go Three minutes. Yeah, we're wrapping up on a couple but you so after you done You go back to the dress room, get any cool shit. I think you'd be like a hat and just a hat. A mug.

Fucking, there's a mug like a dead hat. For my dead dad. Yeah, he's a dead dad. Did you go with your mug and three on his grave? No, that's my fucking mug. That took me a year and seven months to get on that show. That's my mug. Is that how long it took you? Yeah, you just going oh and I was remember that I remember when you first started running at Caroline's I can't see that's my letterman set and that was holy shit. That was like I'm out because I I mean also too

I think I they would say no to jokes and I'd be like I mean there's like three or four jokes and that's that they said no to the year I go. How do you fight that you say yes to how did you do that? I think part of me too is like they were just like you're they thought I was too low energy at one point. You. Yes. Thank you. They want to meet the higher.

And then I just killed with some of those jokes. And they were just like, oh, no, those jokes are okay now. That's funny. That's funny. They're like, no. I mean, some of them. They really try to neuter a lot of comics on late nights. That's the one thing that I fucking hate. I don't tell when you watch it too.

What's the Ferguson? I was like, let me, I want to watch the show. I was like, this is the edgy comics. He's fucking edgy as shit. He says all this crazy. I was like, I want to be on that show. And then they were like, yeah, okay, but you can't talk this, you can't do this. It has to be a topical. We don't, I was like, fucking fuck you. Why do you, it's, well, I mean, it took two months to get back to me

about the cop joke, because they said, I originally, the tag ends in choking them instead of robbing. And they're like, well, you could do that in the middle of your sad. I was like, I'm not gonna put my clothes in the middle of my head. Yeah, that's right here.

So I was like, well, what if I change it to Rob so they're like all right That's a two-month process It's so like it took a long like I could have maybe been on earlier if I didn't fight for jokes I want and that's what happened with Conan I gave him a set and the GP at Conan was like, I don't know maybe something else in the middle to this one set and then I was gonna do Fallon and then a year later I gave him a tape with basically the set that I wanted that he said no to

and he was like yeah we'll do it January 7th. I was like what? You said no to that a year ago. I think that, and I added one new joke at the beginning. Can I tell you though, I think they're all fucking petrified about their jobs. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

That you have to kill. They've said to me like it depends, because I've said I joke about the black joke, whatever, and they were like, no to that. And then another time I asked me, they're like, well, I think that might be all right. And I was like, how come it's okay now? And they're like, well, it depends what we've gotten

in trouble for that week. Right. Oh. I think yeah, because I think that it is a fluid thing behind the scenes where nobody's getting fired for you. Right. Yeah. Everyone's going like, good job with Adrian.

I wonder if it's like, yeah, you on that. But that's the thing is though, when you go on and do something edgy like that, the next guy is going to be able to fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's almost like comedy starts, a set like that can start changing comedy. Yeah. From this fucking witty fucking ironic shit that people was to all of a sudden. That was that was really funny and edgy and then they want that. It kind of starts changing. Not you believe me.

I'm not saying that you're the fucking, you know, you're changing comedy as we know it. But that's that's the audio. I'm going to isolate. comedy as we know it but that's the audio on the isolation change comedy as we know it but he's probably kill he has said she's changing comedy she becomes fucking huge and successful that will be the quote it's hard for your first set though if you're an edgy comic on let's hard to get

that first set a lot of times because the guy sometimes when you're like established they're like all right we he was known for this. But if it's your first set, they're like, I don't want to take a chance on this person. Why don't the certain, like a tell isn't as good on TV as he is live. You see a tell live, there's something, they get, there's something you're not getting on TV.

You understand? There's something, it's like jokes, set up punch tag jokes are better told on television. But like I think, you know, there's certain comedy that's better done live. You need to fucking be there. I'll tell you this. I was a huge fan of Burzla special. I saw him run that hour at Caroline's and live. He reacted with a couple audience members. Right. Greatest comedy show I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah. It was unbelievable because you're right. The reaction live and stuff happening. Comedy supposed to be jazz. It's supposed to be, you know, a couple hundred people in a small room and fucking right there. So also, it tells like, like, he's one of the best club comics ever. Like in a club, he's riffing.

He's one of the only guys at that level who's still doing crowd work. You know what I'm saying? It's fucking unbelievable. You gotta go. I can't show up. Go to dance soda at dance soda on Twitter. Not that he needs the followers.

How many followers you got? 90,000? 19,000. How'd you go from three to 19? You. God fuck you, guy code. No, and out of the 19,000, 8,000 are from guy code. Yeah.

9,000 are from you. Yeah. And 2,000 are from Opie and Anthony. Yeah, OK. So you're still at the top. Yeah. It's all this podcast. You can guy code.

It's not a bunch of Puerto Rican teenagers going, y'all have voices deep in sexy, because that's who follows me on Twitter now, because a guy code. I'm got abed on my way out real well a confidence Go downstairs. Take that bandana with you. Yeah, but yeah, I'm already worried I'm following Mike yard downstairs So this I really yeah, so you know, I switched the camera three switch to camera three Um, anyways, all right, so um Dan, I love you buddy. I'll see you Yeah, but I was I was really happy when I see guys like like funny people on television because so many times

You turned the TV on and you want I'm sitting there like like, like, what the fuck is this? Like, I don't get it. Like, I, I, and I'm like, it's me. It's gotta be me. Honey, sit down and watch this. No, this fucking stinks. Like it just stinks. And somebody said, okay, you know, and it's just me. Okay, I don't fuck me. But this guy's like, you know, there's a lot of guys that I think are really funny that should be on TV that aren't so when I see people that are Doing a little fucking edgy shit or who are legitimately funny doing TV sets Which are hard to come by I just wish they did more they used to fucking make you do a letterman back in the day you did a You if that story you got pulled to the couch that was Johnny Cushion. Oh, huge, but there's only three channels then though.

Now there's, you know, a hundred. Wasn't that a deal? That's why you'd be a big star because you're the only one on TV at that time. Wasn't that the deal with Carson if he liked to be pulled to the couch? Well, the first guy he did it was Teddy Burjeron. I believe not Teddy Burjeron. Teddy, the fuck is his name? Is this the guy who they had back like three times too quickly and fizzled out kind of?

Is a guy from Boston He was fucking this he's just fucking funny is shit. I think his name is Teddy Teddy Berger I think I might be wrong if somebody knows go to the chat room and let us know But he was guy from Boston. He went out and killed so fucking bad. He said come to the couch And he was the first guy to be invited to the couch and he just killed on the couch And then yeah something happened where he fucking you know fizzled away But other people that had happened to it just became stuff Rosanne Syme I mean these people Alan de generous fucking he you were once you did that and got pulled over or he went like this

You were made man you were made man. Oh, well man You know what happens to the people he didn't do that to now there's a lot Teddy bourgeois. Yeah, a lot of Teddy bourgeois. He didn't Teddy bourgeois was fucking supposed to be the next mother fucker Really the first he was the first guy to be put to pull over to the couch by Carson and The first he was the first guy to be put to pull over to the couch by Carson and It fucking fizzled crazy shit. He's in Boston now. Wait, where you know a lot of guys from Boston that happened to a Lot of guys a lot of guys the funniest motherfuckers on the planet earth are in Boston like The guys that came up before us a

Sweeney Gavin, Bergeron, DJ Hazard, all these guys were fucking huge. I mean, who made it out? Dennis Leary, Lenny Clark, you know? That's it. Dennis Leary and Lenny Clark are the one, I think, and, you know, I mean, made it huge. Right. Teddy's still working.

Yeah, he's still working. Yeah, he's fucking hilarious. Well, not everyone's gonna be Seinfeld or Shanley. You know, it's there's so many comics, even then. He's so I've had a done. How many times you don't Johnny Carson before he got Seinfeld? Was it 16? Yeah, but he's the bomb here. Who? Seinfeld. He used a fucking bomb at the seller. Like, just stink at the seller. Yeah, and now, you know, but that's a whole thing of monologue, just.

When you go on television to do a four-minute set, his act is made to do that. It's not made to go on after a fucking club guy downstairs. You know what I mean? Right. So, I mean, now he goes up and... But they can't do hours, though. He's was an hour of that.

You'd be like, oh, God. But eight minutes. think I think I've seen Jerry live just tear it apart. Yeah, I think Jerry can't and I think Natham and can I don't know if you do do do an hour I've had learned a couple of times. Yeah, I don't know I can watch certain people if there's something You know I always like when people are laughing, but I also like when they're listening. Right. You know what I mean? When I'm listening to what you're saying, I can, like when people walk up and go, oh, you have funny, and they don't remember any of your jokes

because it was all jokes. But when someone walks up and do what you said about that, that really fucking, you know, that was real, and it was funny, and they listened to what the fuck you were talking about. They know, they were actually, you know, listening to you. it was funny and they listened to what the fuck you were talking about. They know, they were actually listening to you. I think that is too. I like, Patrice used to do that.

Like, you can walk away from Patrice set and knowing every fucking joke because it was something behind it. Like you were listening to a philosophy while you were laughing. But there's also someone who said for guys like a tell and Mitch Hedberg, they're just great jokes. You know, Mitch Hedberg died on a special.

He bombed. You know when he's lying down on the stairs? But the jokes are incredible though. Yeah. No, the joke, but here's the deal. He fucking bombed. But he did like 40 minutes or something. He bombed.

They added laughter. They sweetened it so they, that's why he's lying down. He bombed. And then they added laughter and everybody watched it on television with the the laughs where they're supposed to be and we went oh this is guys really funny I think the jokes are incredible but what if they showed really what happened I've heard I've heard like audio said to them bombing I think the jokes are great I think he's funny too he means I feel I feel bad because I brought him up here from the 70s show.

He goes, yeah, yeah, I'm on whatever that fuck that guy just said. I fucked up as intro when I was Austin and he didn't like me from that. And I was like, I really was like nervous. I was just fucking nervous asshole, which I never really get nervous. You know, but I'm happy black comic books beyond from guy code. What's that? Every black comic here brings me on from, you know from guy code, I'm like, I'm on that shit.

You're not on guy code? No. Really? No. Everybody else is on fine guy code. I think they think I'm Andrew Schultz. I think that's why. There's no, no, you're definitely not.

I know. Definitely not. I'm away. Cause he's got a thick paste. A what? That was a little... Got a little to that. Oh, you know what?

I listen to it very horny. Simon is fucking fading. No, I'm all good, but I... Microphone son. I'm drawing listening in. But I'm not being an expert on stand-up, I'm not putting anything in. But when you're talking about kids,

killing it, buddy. Killing it. That I know about. Stand up now. So... All good, listen to you guys. But you're actually gonna learn about it very shortly. Apps, and learning about it, learning about it. Very much so.

Say learning again. Learning. Okay, there you go. All right, so check it out, we gotta wrap this up anyway. I gotta go home to my fucking kid. This is the show of New Year, so happy fucking New Year's. 2014, is it coming?

Or did it come yet? This is Tuesday, right? No, it hadn't. It didn't come out yet. So we're coming out this week, happy New Year's. Don't be a douchebag. Don't get shit-faced and fucking drive. Just get, you know, I fucking hate New York City too.

I fucking hate it. I've never been to New York City. Stupid. I'm in one time I tried to celebrate New York. I tried to be one of these assholes. No, I was. No, I was sitting there. I'm looking at the ball and I go to kiss my wife

and then a car drove by and threw wet shit in our hair like in our fucking heads. And I was like, is that Jizz? What the fuck was that? What'd you do? I fucking wore cool Bobby. I kinda snapped. Did you?

And I kinda, well yes, I went through shit in our, my wife's hair and my fucking ball head. It's fucking the open. Yeah, it was just what a dick move. It's literally two seconds after minute. I'm kissing my girl and you through, you really, you fucking cut Through something at us New York never let you forget for a second in New York

Even when it's a good day something and then will happen. We're like you motherfucker You know, do you think Bobby Bobby? Don't you think Bobby? Do you think do you think Kelly? I love you Yeah, no, I love you. I was backing you up I just don't know what that means. That was like a fucking weird statement New York never let you fucking down Make it just can't forget where you are That was almost as good as is you know Andrew Schultz. Yeah, he's got a thick piece Yeah, me too. I've been up since fucking 5 a.m. too. So let's let's call today

Simon had a great fucking Tom. Thank you Everybody had a fucking great time. Thank you very much. Thank you brother Simon's gonna be down here this weekend doing some stuff is one of you guys gonna help him No, I can't help him. Okay. Well, I'm good for you. I'll say what I can do What about you know anybody they can help him? Yeah, that's the wrong thing I'm not my friend general All right, co Sam. What's up with you buddy? What do you got going on in like when this is under your's day? This is new Monday 30 Monday day before yeah, I'm in like in the I'm in crackers in January crackers You never been there now? I don't think so. I think it's supposed to be good

I don't know never been there crackers in January. I'm also doing I love clubs like that You know why because it's probably just some shit haul in a strip mall with a stage somewhere and they just load people in I think that's how I've settled about they think that's To me that's comedy. I mean you you work these big, it's a huge, and then you gotta look and it's half sold. Yeah. There's a fucking bunch of angry waitresses because you don't have to.

I'd be happy with them there. I'm doing a club called Poké Nuts. So, yeah. You're not even fucking hitting the bottom of the club. I love it. The Chocolat. Well, I'm doing pretty well, guys. Who's your agent? Cameradome.

Camer. Yeah, I used to be a parent. Yeah, I like paradigm. I like those nice guys over there. Yeah, where else yet? What's your Twitter at Samarrel? M-O-R-I-L One of the funniest guys out there one of the nicest guys out there. Thank you. So make sure you go and follow them. Yeah Also have a podcast nation listen to called moon lighting. Of course you do I have to I'm gonna fall behind. What is it? It's just we get cool guest Ron Jeremy did it. Okay, Judy just did it. Where can you listen to it? It's free to land in a podcast. He did Yes, we did that it's every Wednesday we put a new one up. It's on iTunes. I check it out moon lighting

It's a really good episode. I check it out moon lighting. It's a really good episode I check it out man. I would definitely I'll all of us to do it. I'll check it. I like to support Adrian, what do you get going on? New Year's Eve. I will be at the stands. Oh, it's a big show. Yes. No, it is it is. That's a big show New Year's in New York City is always a fucking big show. Yeah. Yeah there you go. You're gonna be, who's on the show with you? No, no. You have no idea. She's already big time.

I don't give a shit, it's just me. No, I just found out. And then I'm doing the comedy spot. Did he just text you right now? No, like yesterday or something. And I'm doing the comedy spot in Scottsdale, Arizona, the night to the 11th. The comedy spot. Was that the one I the night to the 11th. The comedy spot.

Was that the one I did? I've never been there before. Arizona's awesome. A lot of great fans, a little rowdy, little drunk, that good looking young crowd on a usually on a Thursday, just really good looking, and then a couple look like, fucking, as tech Indians.

Arizona just feels like it must be all hot chicks. This is what it seems like. A lot of hot older people. I'm looking forward to it. I love it. Yeah, me love a fuck. You love a good time. You love a fucking blast.

I like Arizona. There's a lot of good comedy there now to the lot of clubs in Arizona. That's what I hear. Yeah, so that's good. And then what's your Twitter handle? A. Appleucci. A. Appleucci.

At A. Appleucci. Do you have a good time? Yes, I don't know. I always feel weird when you come on. You have weird at it. Because you come. At A. Apalucci. Do you have a good time? Yes, I don't know. I was feel weird when you come on. You have weird at it. Because you come in angry face. That's just my regular face. Yeah, but I know, but I don't know.

I feel like she's toned it down. So, resting, yeah. Really, why? Yeah. She was worse than that? No, I mean, she's just as how she is. She's in a good mood. I know, I'm glad she was.

I'm glad. But she came in and she sat there for a while and I was like, oh my God, she's not having a good time. I thought I was in trouble. I was getting calls glad she was I'm glad but she can't be as you sat there for a while and I was like oh my god She not having a good time. I thought I was in trouble. I was getting calls that I know because here I told them I says I if you're gonna be 20 minutes late Just fucking don't worry about what are you doing now? You get a spot. Don't kill you. I'd rather have you do another show Then to fucking come down here at half our late nervous. I was gonna get in trouble. No, you can't get in trouble There's no trouble. You know if you think this isn't just not school. No, you can't get in trouble. There's no trouble, you know, if you think this isn't, it's not school. No, not at all.

I had a lot of fun. Good, I always love having you on. You're one of my favorites. Kelly, what do you got? Besides herpes. Yeah, looks joyous, don't me. I'm sorry. Except these disgusting boys.

Our Monday to 30th, I'm gonna be, Monday to 30th, I'm gonna be at 30th. I'm gonna be at the stage I'm I am I attracted to sick Kelly and And I'm doing a purpose are scat the eyes. All right. I did something about her I know if I ever did it. I'd fucking eat myself Immediately when we were done. I'd be like I smell something weird. Yeah, I'm gross. Yeah, not you I'm gonna buy yourself Jesus smell something weird. Yeah, I'm gross. Not you. Tell you to go or by yourself. Jesus. No, I'm off the market. The 30th year I'm at the 6th. And I'll be off the show for a little

bit because I'm going back to visit my family in Australia. Scroopers in, scopers in. Are you coming back? I call some kind of back. I have my return on the 21st. So I'll be off the show for a few weeks. I thank you everybody. Thank you Bobby. Alright, man. But having me and don't forget to the Twitter handles like a wd Podcast and on Facebook like share retweet follow us all right great Scopo. What do you got kid? The follow me at Chris Scopo and I can be at L.O.L

Well next week probably where is L.O.L. 43rd and 9th Eight is like upstairs like up, or is it? Oh yeah, it's a classy bump. We take stairs out, but feels like you're taking a class. Every time, every time. Blue college. Seriously, every time people get on that elevator,

they're going to the room. They just look at their face, just goes, someone fucking lied to us. I mean, they sell us the tickets. Oh, the vet. There are good comics on the show. The best thing is, I was walking, the show before me was an ending yet,

and I was walking past, and some girls sitting at that, because I haven't heard left there one time yet. I was like, show before me was an ending it and I was walking past and some girls sitting at that I haven't heard laughter one time yet. I was like oh, you're gonna be fun. Well Kelly was on for a while It was literally shut up Sam those clubs over there the ha and that club blocks away from my house Hell was at least a good hang I did one I did one some Jackie Mason's daughter what's her name? Sheva sheva got me to do her at fucking play it again. Whatever Sam thing fucking bar Who she fight she got me to do it. She just caught me you know, they always catch you know, you want to yeah sure Fuck me. I got a b-seller on a Wednesday Two blocks away from my house and I did it. It was five. I was like I'm on stage going

What the fuck am I doing here? This is not it's not helping me. It's hurting me. This is bullshit There's not I'm getting nothing from this. I go you people stink There's a girl Franklin's yes I go, you people stink. Was it your Franklin's? Yes. Wow. Geez. Fuck you.

So, but she's a nice girl, but I was just terrible. I'd never go down there again. All right, so make sure you go, was that it? Go, boom. Yeah, I went, you want your tour? My tour, is it a tour? I'm gonna be, yeah, good, let's do it real quick. Aiginson.

I go to robakelylive.com for all my dates. Go to my award winning app, fucking app, right there. That's fucking proof. That's a comedy fucking award that I won. It's not a cringey that breaks. Go to my award winning app of iTunes, Robert Kelly Live has the podcast, has all my dates, go to Robert Kelly Live.com, all my dates are up there.

Where am I gonna be, Scope? So the 31st, New Year's Eve, you're gonna be in the tree house, Bohegan Sun, and Bohegan Sun, Casino, January 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th, they're gonna be the American Comedy Company in San Diego, California, January 8th, 9th, 10 10th and 11th just for last

Bermuda. That's going to be dope. And then 17th and 18th bananas and has. Yeah, exactly what you're doing. Banana is in Hasbro, New Jersey. Lewis, Jay Gomez. That's not going to be too dope. But that's why I feel you looking at me. Why? No, I'm kidding. God. I'll see if I get you to do a guest spot Yeah, we'll see relax relax settle down Settle down. Don't know. I am such a fun hey. How are you fucking take her with you? Where anywhere? Leach or a pony roll. I just got one gig Take me with you. We had a good hang all right You want the 24th,

20th January? Now we're done. Listen, go to my website, download, I was going to make sure you go and leave a review for us on iTunes. I know it's a fuck, it's a begging system with you guys. Look, I got 50, 60,000 people that download the show every week. We have 700 reviews. It doesn't make sense. This should be fucking, just go. If you haven't done it, just go and leave a review on iTunes and just tell a friend.

And if not, I don't give a fuck, don't do it. But make sure you keep listening to the show. You guys are the best fans in the world. Make sure you check out all the other shows at the Raya Cast Network. I just listen to Rich Voss' show, my wife hates me. It's one of the funniest shows out there.

They're so hilarious, man. It's fucking hilarious. They played the first show they ever did. It was just they fucking hate each other. Oh, God. What about the argument one they had? They had a big blowout argument on the show. It was hilarious.

Every fucking show. No, it was like she left the show. Rich says the dumbest shit in the world this last the hundredth episode he says shit that doesn't even like sayings that aren't sayings he mixes sayings together he's just fucking he's just stupid it's hilarious and she she doesn't say you're an idiot she just repeats it she'll just repeat it like what did what did you say okay okay she'll just move on. She's brilliant.

But it's a great show, both from hilarious. And Nick Tupalo's show was funny too. I love just listening to him rant, tell stories. It's actually a side of him you never really hear. Because on the other thing, he was just talking sports and ran thing about politics. He actually talks actually with his life now. All the stuff that he never really talks about so check those out

jersey jerks uh... glory hole all those shows manny stat Miller baili j uh... davi mac uh... jim floran teen all the shows on rye cast network are fucking jammin so make sure you check about have a safe new years don't get fucked up don't hurt anybody uh... and uh... thanks a lot listen to the you know what did podcast you've been listening to the YKWD podcast thanks for listening

now go back to your shitty jobs shitty jobs check out riotcast.com for all of the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free, and they're all free. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face.