Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Derek Gaines and Dave Temple | Military Brats

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

This week Bobby is joined by Derek Gaines and Dave Temple. Derek and Dave talk about both having dads in the Air Force, and starting comedy in Philly, and they talk about how TV fathers have become bigger pushovers since the 70s. Watch No Need For Apologies https://www.youtube.com/@NNFAPodcast Follow Derek https://www.instagram.com/thegreatboy/?hl=en Follow Dave https://www.instagram.com/imdavetemple/?hl=en Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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There's no more white alpha males in anything anymore. Commercials especially. If you watch commercials, I dare you to find a guy. A white- Or if you are seeing white alpha males, whoo, you're on the wrong side of history. Like, cause they're gonna hear that, you know, commercials go right, they know where to send it.

But I feel like they're taking, like, you know, a black dude has always been cool as shit. And now you watch them on commercials and you're like, oh, they're making, it's kind of funny because they're making black dudes, corny white dudes. Well, yeah, we have to be. Most of us have white children now. My Subaru is, my Subaru helps me,

my family get through all conditions. And butterscotch color babies you got in the back seat. Yeah, it keeps me and my son Ethan and Morgan. Ethan and Ian. And Max. My daughter, the red headed freckled black Mexican girl. Yeah! Red!

What? Bitch, I have an EpiPen. What? Black people eat peanut butter? It's a lot of black people with allergies on commercials now. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what, dude?

Live welcome everybody to the show. YKW live. I everybody to the show. YKW. I started the social media podcast. The fact that YKW dude podcast. YKWD is back again. Own school, back in the day, we're all started before them all. YKW. This podcast is so fun and crazy and has no rules.

Run out, you're ruining this. We're the bomb dana man. I'm sorry. It's comedy podcasts. This isn't NPR. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original.

Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. Original. What's up? Oh that's loud as shit. Yeah this microphone is way harder. When we do the regs I want to sit like this. Anyways what's up everybody? Robert Kelly you know what dude? We are up at the Comedy Cell Studios above the world famous Comedy Cell. Giving you another episode but do me a favor if you're not

on the patreon hit that subscribe right now, just smash that button. I love saying that, because I'm a fucking influencer. I'm 53 and I influence people. Smash that button, hit that like and hit that bell. Woo! No, seriously, don't fuck around. Stop watching this shit and not participating. Click it, click it and share it,

and then comment and suck it. RobertKellyLive.com, RobertKelly, what is it, patreon.com.com? That's Robert Kelly. That's it, that suck it. Robert Kelly live.com. Robert Kelly. What is it? Patreon.com says Robert Kelly. That's it. That's it. If you really want to be a supporter of the show, if you like the show, and you want me to help pay these the tizzy three and give them some money, you can support the show that way. It's like five bucks. So don't be a piece of garbage. And also punch up dot live. Watch my special for free right up there.

Just click Robert Kelly email address bang and I'll also let you know when I'm coming to your town. Very excited. We have a, I mean, no stranger to the Y key WD. It's been on the bonfire. Derek Gaines and Dave Temple are back again. It's happening. I think I got smaller or you guys got bigger. Big chair. It's a big chair. Maybe it's a deep chair. Yeah. But you. What's happening? I think I got smaller, or you guys got bigger.

Big chair. It's a big chair. Maybe it's a deep chair. Yeah, but you guys are so much more of a. It feels like when you come to visit an older relative, you're going to get a little smaller. You're getting set in your ways, man. Yeah, you guys are still young bucks.

You guys are going to be the same for a long time, and I'm getting shorter. Yeah, yeah. Marriage. Yeah, yeah. Marriage. Yeah, like, who's that common with the people of comedy? Who's that guy? Bobby Slate. Bobby Slate.

And when I first met him, he was such a tough, I thought he was an Italian guy. Last time I saw him, he was just an old Jew. What? Huh? What's going on? My first man. What the fuck you doing?

What the fuck? Right, right. Huh? What are you doing? Yeah, man. Yeah, that's like Clay. He's like smaller, you know, two-thousand. Cassius Clay, he died.

Yo, what's up? What are you talking about, Clay, who? Dice Clay. Oh, yeah, he is small. He's like small. But Dice got in shape. Dice goes to the gym. Dice, he was back in the day thin

when he was on Ford Fairlane. If you look at him, he was a very thin dude. And the jacket and the shit, that's what made him look big. Then he put on a little weight. Oh. Oh. Oh. Fun to do dice.

Oh, but then he's in shape now. He got his shit together in his 50s. Yeah, Prima down and now I try to say I was a big fan. I tried to shake his hand. We was at Nordstrom's and he just ignored me. It was pretty funny. I was like, good for him. No. It was a big fan. I tried to shake his hand. We was at Nordstrom's and he just ignored me. It was pretty funny. I was like, good for him. No.

It was good. No, but I liked it though. Because it was very dice clay to do. I was like, yeah, you know what? Why am I an asshole trying to shake a hand anyway? Go shop. What did you say though? I said, hey man, good to see you, funny dude.

That was it. And he said what? Nothing. He kind of just kept. Really? I mean dude like. Looking at pants. I was like, yeah, I deserved it.

Dude, that stinks, I hate that. I was like. I'll be honest with you, he's a very nice guy. Yeah, I don't doubt it. He's called me at like two in the morning. Bob, you remember that time we went to Vegas? So, we never hung out. I know, but the time we're in Vegas,

one of the funniest, like just crazy human beings I've ever met that is just funny. Or, I mean still at this time just trying to be funny. You see his Instagram? It's nuts, and it's the best. He's the best. I'm sorry he didn't say hi to you. Want me to talk to him?

Let me call him. He's just gonna use it as ammo to do it to other younger people. No, I like that he did it. I was like, okay, that's how I gotta be when I get older. See, he's using it as ammo to be when I get older. See, see, see? He's using it as amore to be mean to young people to see him shopping, why? Because I don't get hurt, my feelings wasn't hurt,

and I was like, I gotta know who to talk to, and I guess the Dice Man wasn't it? Haven't it that day? He was looking for slacks. That's one thing that happens as you get older. Your feelings get hurt. Yeah, guys, listen to me. I wanna, do you know how you stay funny?

Don't feel. Okay. Yeah. But it's weird. As you get older, you just get like softer. I think it's like you just watch a bunch of movies with your kids and they just kind of... They just... I hate that I still like those troop videos when they come home from the war and they go see their son at the game and I'll be like, Hi!

You don't even realize. But he's behind the kid, and the kid's like, yeah, you look dead! Oh! The doofus just looking on the field, because he's not playing, because he never had a dad at home. And then the dad's behind him. It's a fucking war veteran.

Hold chess out. And then the kid turns around and goes, oh my god. He's like, ah, you made your kid look like a sis in front of all the other guys. And we all know that story doesn't end well. Everybody's embarrassed when they cry. He's like, this is my old home, and all his PTSD starts kicking in.

Oh, shit. All the nightmares, all the night terrors. Pow, pow, pow, pow, that shit. Yeah, it's probably. They don't show his wife the next day with a black eye and a frying pan, a dented frying pan. Yeah. The kid's dropping shit.

Don't wake him up when he sleepwalks. It's about the war. It's about the war. Poor kids got to do 30 push-ups. Get up, soldier! Make up your bed! It's only five o'clock. Make sure your button and your belt is on the same line.

My dad made me do that shit. He was Air Force. If you had to tuck my shit in, make sure your buttons are lined up with your belt buckle. Alright, let's get into this. Yeah. You friends with your dad? Yeah, yeah. What's your dad do?

Was he in the middle? He was in the Air Force also, but he's gone. That's the way. That's what we are. That's what we at Black Air Force Suns. That's the gimmick of our podcast. Yeah. Now let me ask you a question now.

You guys knew each other when this happened or you met? No, no, no. It's just a fucked up part. We met, here's the crazy thing. We met in comedy in Philly. My dad though, moved to Jersey and was living maybe what? 15 minutes from where he was. So like I'm going to visit my dad on the weekends.

I'm in the same neighborhood as him, but I don't know him, you know what I mean? This is even crazier. My grandmother's maiden name, my grandmother is from Atlantic City, like in his area, but her maiden name is Gaines. Crazy. Like yes. So like my family's been kind of hitting area, but her maiden name is Gaines. Crazy. Like, yes.

So like my family's been kind of hitting me up like, who's this Gaines dude? Who's his parents? Who's he related to? And I'm like, yeah, we're not related, but yeah. Are you sure? Did you do it? I don't feel like doing that 23 and me shit

because I'm gonna see some, the white man doing terrible stuff. I'll tell you why you don't wanna do it because you don't wanna be like that dude from Star Trek. He's a big Black Lives Matter dude, but he's found out his fucking grandfather's fourth grandfather's white My grandma was half white. So it's not even half white. Yeah, so I know it's some trauma right so there was a white dude The fuck somebody had white with your grandmother. Yeah, and here you are. Yeah, well my mom Yeah, I'm a quarter summer eighth. Hi, So now you don't get reparations now at all. No, because you have white You're one of the other seven eighths of my blackness. They're all doing pretty well

As an Air Force pilot Was though he was so mad that he had a white white. He was like what? Yeah I broke it down. Yeah, I'm a I have a eighth of Caucasian right now I'm afraid to do it because what if I'm black that'd be great and that would be that'd be it's a good now man See and kind of be like yeah, I know but you already kind of act like it I remember when I first came to your barbecue you you looked at your wife was like That wasn't that wasn't me, that was her. She's from Boston.

She was Bobby. My fuck is walking up to God in the driveway. She went, Bobby, get the gun. And we was a West, oh, we was a perfect. How many did you invite? But the food was good. I'll never stop telling you how good the food was. That one barbecue.

I got to do another barbecue. It was great, man. I know. I got to do another barbecue. There's a whole new group of young guns Yeah, that like, you know back then I mean it was Colin and Norton and Voss and Keith and You know yeah, the my boys, but then but I haven't it's weird I have like this other generation that I'm attached to like Lewis and Dan and Joe and they fuck with you and Jay

Huh you one of the lords of the skanks. Skankfacilitry, she's like Jesus. Those guys are running the show now. As far as my thing goes, those guys are the fucking... I remember just watching, I'm just up here doing the fucking... Dude, you know what, dude? These guys are fucking at a festival, they're walking around, they're getting carried by other human beings.

I'm just in the corner smoking a cigar. They're coming to meet me like the fat lady in the circus. They're literally like the Harlem Globetrotters of comedy. You know what I mean? Like that's not basketball, is it? It's exciting. Do it. Do it.

So you guys, when you came, now your father was here, whose father was more like, what was your dad? My pops was a, he's a. Officer? What? Woo-hoo-hoo! You have no idea. Yeah, my pop, I put it out there, my pop flew for Air Force One, so he's like an engineer,

so he's flight engineer for Air Force One. So he was on the... The president was playing with Clinton and Bush, one Bush One. Do you ever tell you some shit? Oh yeah. But uh... You can't say nothing. I can't say anything. You can't. No, I can't, but they're like real stories and you go goddamn and I remember he made me one second

Hang on second. We're gonna be right back Clinton stories from Air Force one stay tuned. You don't want to miss this episode That's the that's the clip right there. Oh, she can't you can't say it. Sorry guys. We'll cut back to this Couldn't say anything. We didn't back to this. I couldn't say anything. We didn't get the clearance. I mean... Yeah, well, my pop has different clearances, so yeah. But he don't do that anymore.

He's retired from the military. I can't even rat him out. But... Write a book. But he don't. He make money. Let me ask you a question. He still does stuff?

He still flies. Because he gasses jets in the air now. Oh. Oh. You don't want them guys to do the thing. Would with to come out and the jet pull up to the plane Take the gas and fly off talk to me like I'm stupid I mean this guy just fucking I saw the last fucking time you know Talk to me like I was a son

You know the thing comes out the thing on the thing Bobby when two planes love each other You just told me about the birds and the bees. The air force. I just burst bees my pop shop. But anyway, that's what he does. So yeah. So OK.

So but he's he's on the plane with the president. Yeah. Back when he was fine. But he can't go in the where they are, right? No, he's the flight attendant, you know. I'm not flight attendant. So funny. Whoa.

Flight engineer. Yeah. Don't don't call he that a fucking student. I mean, he went from here to here. No. Coffee tier me, guys. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No, flight engineer.

Hey, Mr. Clantan. You like your coffee splat? This has been. Do you like your coffee black or with cream? Because my great, great granddad was white. Stewardess woman. I had a mulatto grandmother. Is that what you're into?

Mewlato. Mewlato. Dude, what? He wasn't a, he was, what's an engineer? You know the two guys that fly? Okay. The guy right behind them to. Oh, the third seat.

Yeah, working all the buttons. Wow. Okay, so he's that guy. That guy. You know, you never see that. You know, I never fly those. They don't have those planes anymore. No. There was a minute where we were flying those planes because he took me on that plane

I saw Air Force one you saw it. Wow. Was it wild? Wow playman Is there a lot of stuff like conference room couches and beds and fuck you know, you know Clinton had some beds Oh, it's Clinton. Let me ask you a question. Can they just go up me? Yo, let's go to Vegas like Tony Stark I would imagine but you know It's political so they probably got a they probably got different but if you see Air Force one like land I feel like you get like little like jet skis to get out of the plane and drop local, right? Like a smaller plane comes out. Yeah, little helicopter comes out the belly. I wouldn't doubt it I don't think they had one on the like like in despicables

I wouldn't doubt it. I don't think they had one on the like like in despicables Clinton fuck a first one a fuck jet It makes a sound like that too. But but but but but but but at least like some device to just ride the wind down I had on tailspin, you know, there's a drop off. There's always a drop just special coordinates for Epstein's Island Just then they just crank it. No, that's never. I'm fucking around. Okay, you heard it here. Air Force One landed at Epstein Island, maybe, allegedly. Yeah. No. Well, that's crazy. So what was your dad? This sucks. I set you up. Yeah. He's got nowhere near no planes. I'd say that. He did some time though. He did time like he said 27 years of service. He made like an E9.

I don't know what that is. It's like your rank, your level and your clearance. What did he do? Was he just a guy? Yeah, I guess he just kind of found his way through. We never talked about it much. Oh no, electronics. He learned electricity in here.

So he became an electrician. Electricians are Air Force. They're good. Well, I'll tell you, people don't know this, and I didn't know this until I went over to Iraq and they started bitching about each other. Because Air Force, that's where the money goes. Money goes to them and then trickles down to everybody else. All the other Marines, Army, Navy, they hate the Air Force.

Yeah, they call them the Chair Force. Yeah, because they get Navy, they hate the Air Force. Yeah, they call them the chair force. Yeah, because they get, I mean, they get money, they get the shit, and it's... My parents met in the Air Force. And the way I was conceived in the Air Force door. Really? Yeah, so... You're not supposed to fuck though, right?

Aren't they not supposed to have sex? Have you seen Maverick? Have you seen him? Have you seen the Serp? These don't fucking be... He fucked a goofy tooth bitch from Yeah, she knew her stuff she had a brown jacket that was his What so what is your mom in here for us she was here she's? Not anymore. Was she up there with your dad or was she? She was, what was it, nurse and biotech,

some shit like that. Yeah, yeah, she's an engineer now. And your mom? No, not at Air Force, no. Now let me ask you a question. Why didn't, did you ever have an inkling of, let me, I'm gonna do this too? If I were to stay with my pop,

he would've probably put me in Air Force, cause he wanted me to go to Air Force after high school but I was like dad I'm good because my dad was like he was building planes when he was like 17 I was like dad I can't do what you do. Fuck that's a sad day in the dad's life you got her jeans not his. Because I want to tell jokes and shit I wanted to you know play music. I was a jazz dude. He had like an extensive plan all mapped out. My pop wanted me to build my first car. That never happened. My pop wanted me to go to the Air Force when I was seven 18. So

I turned 18. That didn't happen. So when I told him I was telling jokes, he didn't believe it at first. And then he saw me, like, get up the ranks. And then it became cool. Like I remember one time he called me. He was on a flight home from Honolulu. And he was like, How the fuck am I watching TV and your black ass is on the screen? Last OG. Who you think you are?

And it was like, CPOP, believe in me. So yeah, but that was cool. So it kind of came around full circle. That's awesome. But I do like to think that when you told him you weren't gonna go, he'd already had like a room. Oh, he had it. I know my dad wanted to go to Air Force.

He was adamant. Renovated the garage. He had a 21 step plan to get Derek where he needed to be. Yeah, I would have been a whole different, nigga, out, no pot, no smoking. You wouldn't use that word. Oh yeah. I hear you right.

Bro, bro. That word that makes the three autistic kids very nervous. Oh, sorry fellas, not to rally you up, but nah, bro, I've been a whole different dude. They do this when you said that, hey, please, they're high school. No, take my money. No, I am friends with her. You can have her. You can have her. No, no, no. Yeah, no, yeah, no. So you're, did you

say you're a jazz? You're going to be a jazz? I was a jazz, I was a jazz drummer. What the fuck? Who are you? Yeah, a lot of people don't know. Have we ever talked? No, not really. Not really. I mean, we've been on it, but we've been joking around. This is what sucks about this thing. Yeah. It's because my dad was on Air Force One. I'm a jazz musician. I can go back to him.

No, he's a 2'9", a B9. Yeah. What? Yeah, you know, you know hard-working people. You play jazz, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little clarinet until I realized that wasn't a voice. I talked your game! That's my best brother in the world. My brother. Again, now my dad was like, Hey, what the fuck is going on, lady? You know what I mean? My mom was just letting me do whatever. Your dad

a tough, tough dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. My dad, he was from the housing projects in North Philly, Richard Allen Homes. He went in the service and got fuck out. You know, it's crazy, he enlisted too. Like he enlisted in 67, like when everyone was, from his neighborhood was being drafted. Wow. So it was like, you know, he graduated, he graduated high school, like that May, and by December he was just like,

yeah, get me out of here, cause this neighborhood is wild. You know, we're just gonna die. And go travel the world and shit. I mean, that's a manly shit. You know, when we're just gonna die and go travel the world. Yeah, I mean Pussy from other countries. That's a manly shit. You know when a man goes I'm gonna go at that time I'm enlisting the drafting people. I'm going in. That's a manly shit. Yeah. Yeah, dude shit. Yeah But did he but it did when did he have you? 83 83. Yeah, so he was out. He was still in doing this thing, right?

Mm-hmm. And so did you have to live on base? So I don't know how that works. Oh, no So oh man now you're getting into my origin story who talks it right? So my mom and dad were never really together my dad was just kind of like in a bar one night You know, I mean being that pilot or being an Air Force guy. Mm-hmm. Was he was a pilot? No, no He wasn't he was just in the bar. Just being in the service. You know, when you come home. Got a uniform on.

Fuck with it. Whatever you want to get. You know, the Air Force uniform, tight. Yeah. Yeah. I feel bad for the Navy. The Navy looks, I said, God damn it, you look like Papa.

Yeah. Shit. Looked like that little cracker jack boy. Yeah, like the Marines, tight. Marines, dressed blues Fuck, what? Right. Armies got all right ones, but they're green. Yeah.

But the Air Force, you look like fucking, what's that do from Idrema Genie? The husband. The husband? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Which I think he was like high ranking NASA, right? High ranking NASA.

Yeah, but he was Air Force. Those guys, because the Air Force were the guys who flew the test plane. Right, right. Get close enough to that spaceship. You gotta be smart to be in the Air Force. Absolutely. You know, it's not like, you know,

not to say that Army Marines, they're smart too, but they're going to fight. Air Force is going to... They go up top. They go up and drop those motherfuckers off. And that was my dad. My dad wanted me to go also. My mom wasn't't having it but my dad kept trying to explain to my mom with his brains He's he's he'll be an officer like you don't have to worry about that with him. You know what I mean?

You know, he's a mathematician, right? All right, listen guys Black History Month, I know it's Black History Month. I thought you were just regular black comics from school. We are. It's just like Boston. We all have hidden talents. We got hidden talents, but we just took on the jokes. Just like Good Will Hunting, but Will Smith.

That's all right. You guys are freaking me out. I mean, number one, I'm racist. I'm just realizing this right now. All the shit they said about me, all the shit Keith has said about me is true. I mean, holy shit. I'm sorry.

How did we not know? I'm sorry. Hidden figures, man. You're a mathematician? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was funny. I was just downstairs talking to Matt Broussard because he had a great math joke that he just pulled off once a day.

What was it? Oh man, he found another guy in the audience that studied math and... And he got hard? Yeah, yeah. I'm trying. I love you, dude. You know I love you, dude.

I love you, just... Matthew Broussard, he is a whiz kid on stage. He's another math, yeah, he's another map guy that you know. Pons and quips and math jokes here. That's good. So what was the joke that he said? He asked the guy, like, you know, what's his favorite number?

And the guy told him zero, which was like, oh, it's actually a great answer. If you know numbers, you're like, holy shit. You know what I mean? So it was like just weird. I talked to him right. Danny knows, come on. Artistic kids, get ready.

They didn't hype over there. I'm gonna throw up. Right, but what's happening. I don't know what's happening. It's February, Bobby. All of our superpowers. You didn't get your superpowers. Go, man.

What's going on? So, but not it. So no one in the room is like me, Matt, and this other guy, the only ones that really know what's going on, right? And he's like, yeah, most people would just say the number seven, blah, blah, blah. What's your friend? And then like, you could tell the whole room was lost.

And then he goes, well, it's a comedy show. So I'm just going to say 69. My favorite number is 69. You watch the whole room go, ah, yeah. Finally, we understand. I'm like, yeah, that was beautiful. Yeah. Because I hang on one second.

I can tell the three autistic kids. That's because when one girl blows a guy, he eats her. I don't know if y'all know this. And if you look, it looks like 69. Yeah. Yeah. Now you put shoes in a shoebox?

Yeah. Same thing. Same. These guys look 69. They were like, we were with you with zero. Yes, that's a great number. So okay, so you had to have, this is zero. Yes, that's a great number. So, okay, so you're dead. This is nuts. So you're a mathematician.

Yeah. And, okay. I didn't have shit, okay? I really didn't. I didn't, I don't know how to spell. I don't know how to write. I missed all the school. I don't, you know, they kind of gave me credits

in high school to move me along just so I would be kind of a success story. I would go on. you know what I mean? So it's like, here I am, but you're a jazz drummer. You're a mathematician. You got your dad's in your life, right? And then you find comedy in Philly. Like how the fuck, was there any backup plan?

Was there any, like, was there any, oh, you say I'm going in. Bro, I literally got my degree and threw it at my mom and was like, all right, I'm gonna go find it. Now I'm gonna go do what I want. You know what I mean? What's your degree? Math.

I got two degrees, one in math and one in economics. So I just threw them at my mom and then just went off to go do what the fuck I want. I wanna hit you. I can't. Do you know in COVID, I was helping my son with his math and my wife fired me with fucking to with subtraction. Yeah. Listen to me. I got the division and I went, I don't know. Yeah. I literally went to my son. I went, Hey, Siri, my son was

like, you can't do that. I was like, okay. That's cheating. That's sort of kind of cheating. But whatever. That's amazing. But you know what's crazy? My math skills, like when you talk about number theory and shit like that, I learned all that from school.

But I did get into the streets when I was in the city and that's where my math really took off. Why? You could decide how far it was to the train station to get out of, run from these guys. I don't understand. Why was it? Do you deal drugs? Yeah. Yeah. Oh god street ministry This is like New Jack City street ministry

To find comedy yeah, listen you didn't have to do that. No, I did not back in like I did not You're not fucking ice cube. No, not at all But it it makes a bit more interesting. I'm not gonna lie to you genius from Philly. Yeah, you could have done anything And you fucking didn't have to deal with drugs. I had to blend in. What are you talking about, Bobby? Blend in. It was more of a disguise. A product of a movement environment. It was a disguise. Absolutely.

Oh my God. They would have eaten me alive. So when you dealt drugs, this is interesting to me because I tried to deal. Me and my friend Frankie Paulicastro, we decided one day that we were going to go and buy an ounce of weed. Okay. And we were going to sell it and become drug dealers. Okay.

We were going to start with weed, then we're going to move our way up to pills. That's right. And get a cartel going. And then get to Coke. Yeah. Back in the 80s. Okay. And we bought the ounce of weed.

And I remember I had, I stole my uncle's change. He had one of those big Stein mugs with quarters and he took it all. And I had a pea coat and I filled it. I ripped the pockets and filled the pea coat with quarters. I was standing at the bus stop. It was the middle of the summer and my uncle who I took the quarters from pulls up and he's like, Hey, where you going?

I'm going to South Medford. He said, get in. I'll give you a ride. So I had to gently get into the car because you heard ching. Every bump, I was like, God, no, ching, ch chaching so we went and bought the weed but we got to his house and we were rolling joints but as we were rolling we were rolling we started smoking by the end of it we unrolled all the joints and just rolled two big joints and went to the park and smoked both of them

like fucking ten kids we got so high we ripped off a pizza store and then I broke my pinky yeah and it was a ripped off a pizza store. And then I broke my pinky. Yeah. And it was a mafia owned pizza store. And we both went to jail. Yeah, that was my drug. Cops called the cop. The mafia called the cops on you. No, the cop actually showed up one day and goes, What's your name? I go, Robert Kelly goes, There's a warrant for you. I'm gonna go get it. I don't know where it went. But I'm gonna get it. Because I'm saving your life. Because they they looking for you too. Jesus want to break your legs. Huh? Yeah

I didn't know I was a pizza place. I didn't mafia pizza. I was 13. I didn't know about fine. I didn't watch movies Very no, I didn't know I just fair. I didn't know the basement where all the old fucking dudes were sitting down there So I'm gonna take a heart game. Yeah, but the only people that do steal from the mafia is like, but here you are you you're not I wasn't successful at it at all. How old were you? Throughout my teenage years. So like 14, I gave it a try. I got back out there at 16.

I got back out there at 18 and 19. I had my first kid at 19. And then I tried a square job. I got a landscaping from there. Yeah, now when you had a kid, are you still with her or no? No, no. All right, so you have a son, are you still with her or no? No, no. All right, so you have a son? Daughters, I got two daughters.

How many daughters? You got two daughters? Are you a good dad? Are you around them? I think so, yeah. There's some distance between us, but that's geographical. Let's call them. Let's talk all the time.

Yeah, I'm kidding. Don't do that. But my oldest daughter's 20, you know, in the majoring college, you know, there's a lot of that. You got a daughter in college. You doing fine. You got kids? No.

No. My youngest is 13 and they moved out to Arizona during the pandemic. Wow. There's some distance there, but you know. Yeah. Are you close to it? I mean, do you admit? I mean, it gets like every night again, I miss that aspect of the everyday thing.

He takes spot in the house of comedy in Arizona to go see him. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take, I'll host for anyone in Arizona. If you're ever go in Arizona and you need somebody, I don't need to stay at your house or in the hotel with you, I'll just go look at my daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, I want to book a gig in Arizona so you can see your family piece of shit. I'm going to cry.

Poor girls. I said wait. You're the fuck, man. But it's also like, how old is she? She's 13. But it's like at that. That's the thing. With the mother? It's also, yeah. But it's also like... How old is she? She's 13. But it's like, at that... That's the thing. With the mother?

It's also, yeah. But she with another guy? No, no. At least nothing I know of. They wouldn't tell me, which I guess has a little bit of respect, right? I don't know. It depends on who the guy is.

If the guy's Drake and he's got a fucking huge mule, that's terrible. You know what's crazy? I don't worry about that. He can tell you, like, I am done with that woman. Like, you know what I mean? Like,'t worry about that. He can tell you. I am done with that woman. You know what I mean? Anybody else that has that good luck. Kids with the same girl? Two different girls. Two different baby moms, mathematician.

Yeah, you gotta spread it. He didn't do the math on your jizz, did you? Yeah, he did. One, two, I'm out. Over there. Fucking slow asshole. No, I did the math. Where look, my oldest is 20. I mean, you know what I mean?

I'm still young enough to go and do stuff. I just had a vasectomy last September, so I'm free to move about. But you got two kids, you got a 20 year old daughter out there. And is she cool with you guys? Yeah, yeah, we're great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were friends with her mom? Was I? Yeah, she gone, did she die? No? Yeah, we're great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were friends with her mom?

Was I? Yeah, she gone, did she die? No, no, she's not. But we met under different circumstances. So I was still in street life culture. Like when I met her, she was in the boosting. And then we paired up with that kind of goofiness. She stole people's shit.

Yeah, retail theft was her thing. You know what I mean? I talked to her. What the fuck is boosting? Don't talk to me. You ever see the shit that they do now on the snatch and grabs? Like, get in into a store, arms full of shit, and take it and then run off and go sell it?

That was like her. I want to ask you a question. Go ahead. Okay. As two young black men. Yeah. Talk shit. When you see that, are you like,

fuck yeah, good for you, go get your shit? Or are you like, come on guys, we got to stop this shit. Well, I don't shop where those guys steal from so I'm fine with it. Here's the thing when it happens... What? When it... Okay that was a weird answer. That was a fucking weird answer.

I don't shop where those guys steal from. No, okay here's the thing when I see it like if we're supposed to be marching for something else and then you go let's go tear apart this foot locker. I'm like, dude, what the hell is that about? Okay, stop, marching like for... BLM or something like that, like whatever, you know what I mean? And then you just stop and beeline into a sneaker store at that, I'm like, dude, what are you doing?

Okay. When I see them tearing apart a Lululemon, I know they were hired to do that. What the fuck is that? Listen to this shit. Hang on one second. I know this concept, this is a good concept. Hang on one second. I know this concept.

This is a good concept. Hang on one second. Now, you heard about Bill Clinton in Air Force One, but you don't know the half of it. Black people are hired by who? By the corporation. By the actual story. No. The cash in on the insurance.

You're blowing my mind. Like, here's the thing. Like, we're in a recession. You know how hard it is to sell $130 sweatpants. I don't I'm white. I didn't know Fantastic everything's great. Yeah, it is or my into because I think it's a black or white thing I don't even look at what gas prices are. What is it five six? I don't know what is money? I just feel and then I tap and I move

But now there's a whole scheme there was a whole takey hat on it. Yeah, so you rather this your take I'm actually writing a episodic about this a family web series about this kind of stuff now But this is steps. All right, is this allegedly or is this facts? We'll go on the allegedly side. Okay, just to keep everyone nice Right flatter. Yeah. I don't get sued by Lulu lemon. Okay. You fucking silly suit. I got where you going? Oh Lulu lemon suing me because of these two motherfuckers on my podcast. Lulu lemon would never do that Adidas on the other hand. Oh, shit.

You heard it here first. Nike is hiring young black people. To steal. No, you know, that's my thing, though. Why don't they go steal? Why are they stealing Lululemon's? Isn't that an old white lady shit? Exactly.

So when you see a bunch of young black kids running into a Lulule lemon and running that store, what is their interest with that material? You know what I mean? And you start to see that the stores, once they started going into the more high end stores, the Gucci's, they're getting all of that stuff, it's like, oh yeah, you go to Burberry right now,

you're doing well, but like everybody can't afford a $3,000 T-shirt or a $3,000 Winbrick. Or a $5,500 jacket with buttons, double breasted. So how you gonna sell all of them? Are you guys planning a heist? Why? How do you know so much? Me, I'm in the closet.

Yeah, I learned it from him. Damn, if they could steal me a coat, that'd be nice. Like yeah, I go sometimes just to see the stuff and you know, to get a feel for what they hire. Here's what I don't like about it. And I don't, look, I like fashion and shit like that what I don't like about it. And I don't look like fashion and shit like that. I don't give a fuck. I have, you know, I have some fashion shit.

I see you walking around with the Louis, the Louis messenger. You notice? He puckered his leg. He's having the Louis neck sack. I thought I told my Gucci. Or is it? I have both. OK, all right.

Talk shit. Oh, what's this? What's that? Oh, that's for see through. All right. No, man, I thought of that. And, you know, I have my. Okay, all right, talk shit. Oh, what's this? Oh, that's for see-through. All right, no, man. I thought it was. And, you know, I have my coach too, but that's my everyday carry. Right, right, right. Anyways, no, I get it. And, you know, it is expensive and I couldn't afford it most of my life.

I could not go into a store and buy my wife a pocketbook she won. I could never get my wife a Gucci. But in my brain, it's something that you, you know, okay, you want certain lifestyle. You work your twat off to get it. You really work into it. Look, I don't have I know guys who have Porsches. I don't have I have a I have a Lexus. It's close. But listen, the thing is, you like I had a Honda for a long time. I had a Honda Accord are used You kind of work your way up to get those things that you want by going in and just fucking stealing shit You know, there is a thing that keeps us from

What's stopping everybody from doing that all the fucking time Of course, and then we're gonna be just on, those stores will close, everything's gonna be online, we're never gonna be out together socializing where we can just be in the same store or mall together buying stupid shit that we don't need. It's more of the social experience of you're in a store and you just don't take it because your father and your mother and the way you were brought up,

you want it, you earn it, you go and get the money and you buy it and there's something in there that actually gives you, I got that, I'm fucking, I feel proud. When I have a Lexus on my Rolex, I'm like, I worked my twad off. I used to, I remember I used to see Louis and Nick and Wanda all had Rolexes.

And I was like, fuck, I want one. I could never get one. And then the first time I could, I was like, fuck, I'm getting it. And my wife was like, why are you getting that? I mean, because it's something that I've always wanted to work up to and it's gonna represent, I just did this thing.

My first watch, my first spot was a Breitling. You know what this sounds like? What? The lecture that those mobsters gave you while they held you down to the police You fact you piece of shit you gotta Listen you don't steal pizza But I Remember being homeless. I remember having no money. I remember being a drug addict. I remember being homeless, I remember having no money, and I remember being a drug addict.

I remember not even just, you know, being no family. And I stole, and I ripped off food, and I stole shit out of people's backyards, and I sold it to other people. So I understand it. Bro, he watched me go from being a two-bit hustler to sleeping on his couch for three years, getting my shit together,

and figuring it all out here in comedy, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, literally from... Get that off. Still doing... You're fucking distracting him. He has ADHD. I was seeing what some... Guys, literally open it up about

how you took him in off the street. I know that already. He sucked on my couch, he wrote a book on the couch. Wrote a whole book. I watched him write a book. What that was a thing is like you watch me go from that thing that you're talking about almost being like the guy for hire because in my mind,

I'm so short-sighted, I'll take anything for a quick burst of cash to provide for these kids or at least think I'm providing for these kids. And you know, slow it down to figure out to do everything you just talked about. Yeah. That long hustle, you know what I mean? It's a hold that long hustle. You know, it's a my Rolex is coming Well, it's it is a hustle man. There's even comedy is a fucking it is a long game hustle And you know what dude? It's you know people say why do you need I don't need I don't have a big house

I look I know people who have big houses. I know people that we were talking about this today with a few guys and You know, they're on a private jet, thousands of people, big arenas, and all that shit. And I'm like, it's all relative. I got four walls that don't let the rain in. There you go. And, you know what I mean? I got a fridge with crushed ice. That was a goal.

Ain't that the shit? Yeah, my mom got a door with the crushed ice. I have given myself that talk many times after seeing people's nice places. Woo! Oh yeah. I got my four walls, yeah. I remember shitty play.

Look, I don't want those times back, but I remember me and Burr sharing a fucking shitty half a bedroom up on 97th. Dude, isn't this crazy too? You noticed the shittier your apartment apartment was the better sex you were having Yeah, I got a man. I just get blown in the hallway right right that stupid redhead was snoring on the couch Good you can't bring chicken head I gotta get up in the morning Ha ha ha! That's right.

It took me a while to catch it when he wasn't talking about his wife. No, he was talking about Billy. Billy was in the fucking... When he was sleeping on the guy, he used to be fucking bitches in my room. Fat wife. Big old grenades. Sometimes I have to take some grenades down on my mattress on the floor. I had to stick my fist in this French girl's mouth because she was going, Oh la la! Shut up, you fucking, you dumb frog.

But okay, I wanna, like you said before, both of you said before the show, how you know the Black Lives Matter was a hoax and you don't believe in it. And it was bullshit and you regret actually being a part of it. And you'll never, that was actually being a part of it. And you'll never, that was pretty interesting. Talk about that.

Yeah, you know, as the great Bobby Kelly would say, Yeah, expand on that thought. Long live the KKK. But it is weird though, because Black Lives Matter, they found out, does that, like, did it bother you when you found out that this chick bought like five homes and- No, no, because they're just exposing the hustle. You know what I mean? There's a hustle in trauma too. I felt like that was the, I felt that way about, not I felt that way about it being

with, but I was like so not involved with it. You know what I mean? Like it was just, I had to work on my own life at the time. I remember in Philly when they were riding over that during the pandemic, they tore up 52nd Street in West Philly. I was six blocks over, emptying out. A friend of mine had a house that he needed cleaned out. He was trying to sell it.

And I was just trying to get out of the house and do some work. Didn't even know that was happening until like all of our phones went off like letting you know It's a curfew. You got to get off the street by six o'clock and I had made a decision that day like yeah I'm done with whatever they're doing outside like just focus on me and I watched that whole Thing unfold from beginning to like when they remember when they first yank the microphones out of bernie sanders Uh press release thing in Seattle. Yeah. That was like the first time I saw the girl and I was like, yeah, that's trouble. You know what I mean? I knew that from the beginning. Like you don't know

anybody just walks up there. I remember that. I remember that. And it just went much further. It was like, what else were you expecting from that type of person who will walk up on an old man? An old man who's making his debut, you know? Who was trying, who was four minorities, more than any other. Absolutely. I mean, that old fucking, that old Jew from Berlin,

to Vermont, where there's no black people, was really for making everything equal. There he was. Yeah. But I didn't get voted for. So when you walk up and you do something like that, like where you don't even pay this person to the attention, it's all about you.

It's all about you. So now, because you guys also said before the show, Trump is your guy now, and most black people you know are voting for Trump now. So how did that expand on that? I'm glad we're back on Trump, you know what I mean? I remember when Trump used to be the shit. Trump was Trump, I mean Trump was... He kept the news popping. Yeah.

It was popping. He popped up in Home Alone a few times. I was a fan of that. Popped up in Home Alone 2. He was in Home Alone, that's the classic. He was in New. Popped up in Home Alone 2. He was Home Alone. That's the classic. He was, he was, he was New York. They were staying at his hotel. He was New York. Yeah.

If he was Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty and Donald Trump. He was just part of New York. You know what I mean? And you know, then when he ran for that and he got elected that really, it did something. It did something to the, it did something to people that I don't understand

because I'm not smart, but I have a lot of common sense and I didn't understand why people would just like fuck you. Like, I don't like the way he talks, I think he's fucking a narcissist and he talks crazy but he goes, but when he started saying shit like, you know, like okay well you had loopholes, yeah you put him in you bitch. And she was like, you know, like, okay, well, you, you had loopholes. Yeah, you put them in, you bitch. And she was like, oh shit. Yeah, when he started going against the system. When he was like, yeah, you put, I used the one, you don't want them, take them out, you did it.

And he pointed, and she's like, oh fuck. She's so used to dealing with somebody like her, they're so used to dealing with other politicians who kind of play by a certain set of rules. Oh, shit. And he was like, no. Yeah. I can be, I'm a billionaire.

I don't have to fucking, I can say whatever I want, which I miss the presidential-ness of the presidency. Okay. You know what I mean? Like, you know, pretty much everybody had that. Like Obama down had that. Just this president. Oh, yeah, like, you know, pretty much everybody had that. Like Obama down had that. Just this president. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

See what you're saying? Yeah, when that guy went to represent us somewhere, that's us, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I always go like, as much as we don't agree with it, he's the perfect representation of us right now. Which sucks.

Yeah, he's the hero that this town deserves. Yeah. But Biden is a, I mean it's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Who's the Cubist Cuban? I don't know what. Well, because don't nobody else want the embarrassment of going against Trump.

It's like, it's a new game that they don't know how to win and you just gonna get your ass handed to you. It's a bunch of nerds. And be on air. Alls you have to do is not fucking just talk about people and not Trump and go, look I ain't here to talk about bad. I'm not trashing that dude. I ain't talking about him.

I'm here to do this, this and this for America. Yeah. And do that while he's over there. Yeah. This is literally Trump's campaign. Shut up. Yeah. See look, you can't get your speech out.

Go ahead. This Trump. Keep talking. Motherfucker. He don't play your speech out. Go ahead. Trump. Keep talking. Motherfucker. He don't play about old rule. You got to understand this though. Trump went, Trump went, yeah, I'm not doing the debates. I know.

You guys are bitches. I know. And they were like, what? I got court tomorrow in New York. He went, then he went, I got court. You understand? That's the first. Nikki Haley, get the fuck out of here the

Indian what this the other guy who's for two was live sign which this is where I also do like and he says He swears the haircut is crazy dude. He swears. He actually goes. I Mean he's he says bitch. Yeah He says fuck. Mm-hmm. I mean, that's the president. Yeah. There's something about that. Well, you're like, I don't know. Do I like that? I think I like that. Yeah. I don't want it. But I think- He is treating us like a hot chick.

Black people, not that you guys know, but are you guys, who are you still going with this Biden dude? Or you guys, is Trump, is Trump like, we gotta go that way to set shit straight? Well, if somebody, because I don't really be voting like that, I don't really be giving a fuck. But dad, your dad fought for this country. Yeah, I know. Your dad fought for the, he be-

It probably ashamed of me right now. Wow. We don't talk about that though. So. Wow. You know, I'm a convicted felon so I can't vote. That's right. I was sorry.

I just shocked my heart. You know what, fuck it. You just went, I'm a convicted felon. I was like, I looked out the door, is it locked? I'm learning so much about you. It's like a Christ. I watched the election the same way y'all watch America's Got Talent. You know what I mean?

I know. I just be like, yeah whatever. Whatever happens. I just don't want to fight with black people anymore. Don't. Because here's why. I don't mind, I don't like when there's a bunch of other fucking granola white people next to you going fucking white people suck.

Yeah. That shit is crazy. I've always gone wild. Didn't I, didn't I suck. Yeah. Oh, that shit is crazy I've always gone. Wow didn't you guys laughing at that laughing? How'd I turn on you and y'all? Especially where it's like your life is so good and it's not really affected You know what I mean? Like they're still gonna get their coffee in the morning with all their oat milks and stuff and like you know what I mean? Like they're still gonna get their Lulu lemons. Stolen by black people and sold to them for the cheap.

All the vegan burgers and all that shit, y'all still go ahead. Yeah, but the commercials now are all black dudes. They made you guys nerds and pussywhip motherfuckers. Because you guys like, honey, can I get the yogurt? It's like, pretty wild. That's not, is that Paul? You like, I'm about to meet Perse because, you know, it's a bad representation

of what's going on, but I know who I am. But like, like there's no more white alpha males in anything anymore. Like commercials especially, if you watch commercials, I dare you to find a guy, a white. Or if you are seeing white alpha males, who you're on the wrong side of history. Yeah.

Like, cause they're gonna hear that, you know, commercials go right, they know where to send it. But I feel like're gonna gear that, you know, commercials go right. They know where to send it. But I feel like they're taking, like, you know, a black dude has always been cool as shit and now you watch them on commercials and you're like, oh, they're making, it's kind of funny cause they're making black dudes, corny white dudes. Well, yeah, we have to be. Most of us have white children now.

My Subaru is, my Subaru helps me, my family, get through all conditions. Yeah, all of them butterscotch colored babies you got in the backseat. Yeah, it keeps me and my son Ethan and Morgan. Ethan and Ian. And Max. My daughter, the red-headed freckle black Mexican girl. Yeah! All right.

What? Bitch, I have an EpiPen. What? Black people eat peanut butter? It's a lot of black people with allergies on commercials now. Yeah, what the fuck is that? A lot of allergies. Black people don't have allergies.

We never used to have allergies. I've never seen a black people with what? But I just didn't like when they didn't have commercials about it. I've never seen a black kid with the sniffles during pollen season. You guys just take. I don't even take aspirin, bro.

Yeah, he done. I just. Like, I probably get headaches, but I just don't even take aspirin, bro. Like, I like, yeah, he done. I just I just like I probably get headaches, but I just don't even know that that's what that is. Yeah, I got terrible skin. So I can't talk. I got eczema. So yeah, but does it. Isn't it weird when you do watch TV? I mean, look, who cares?

But like when you watch TV and it's it's like there's the only white dudes on TV right now are just dweebs like Joe Russell. Yeah. It's just like, hi honey. There's no more guys. But that's what they have to do. Like they gotta, that's how they change it. So like, you probably remember this watching the dads

get softer and softer on television. Like I grew up on like married with children. So it was like Al Bundy was like a disgruntled, but he was still like a man. Archie Bunker. But he, right. But Archie was still like up a a man. Archie Bunker. But he, right. But Archie was still like up a bit more. Archie still kind of controlled his house

a little bit more. Al had no control. Then when you kind of got to like the family guy in the Simpsons where dad was just a big doofus. Like there was no more like the Beverly Hill billies. Remember when fucking Jed just walking around with a shotgun shooting at the ground by accident, drunk and discovering oil.

Like they had to get those dads out of here. You know what I mean? Can I, dude? Is that hazard dudes? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, like I think though, they're doing themselves, I think women and I think they had this trans girl on the other day talking about,

I don't want to fucking, I don't want, I don't want to date me. She's like, I want to date a man. Yeah. She goes, I don't want to date me. She's like, I want to date a man. She goes, I don't want to date a guy who has print. I have to give him princess treatment. Because these guys are like, I want to be hugged. It's like- Well, my fuck has gotten to that mental health.

I'm start working on them and all that shit. And then I was like, you know what? But it was also like, I mean, even black people, we grew up, our two TV dads were gay. Who? The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, that dude, and the dude from Family Matters. It was two gay dudes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, when I grew up, black dudes, Mr. Jefferson. Yeah, right, you grew up in the 60s. And from good times. Right, James. James, right. Let me tell you something, I'm gonna stop it right ahead. James was the baddest dad on fucking TV. Terrifying.

Right. Listen, he had a fucking vampire afro. Right. The widows peaked. He had a vampire afro. I never seen that. Right. He had a white through haircut with an afro and he did not.

Let me tell you something. That family, he did not fuck around. Right. And they had no reason to because they were all ugly. That's I have to do his wife's look like him Hey, they had the same afro Florida had the same puff out. She had a young natural I don't know how they created Selma Selma come out of them to I know shit. That sissy Michael came out of her. I don't know.

JJ was believable though. JJ was some fucked up sperm. Like something happened on that. JJ was a skinny, just a doof. I do art, oh shit. Kid, not on mine. But James, when you talk about dads on TV, I have to disagree because black people had Mr. Jefferson,

you had San Fernando Son, and you had James. But you talk about different decades though. But those are the three black dudes from the 70s. From the 80s. Yeah, from the 80s. Well, once you got to the 90s, and then 2000s, dad was almost non-existent. Once you get into like the rebus and all those shows

and I'm a survivor, like dad is just gone. I think they're trying to, I think they're trying to, I don't think they like men. I don't think they like men, men. I think they want that out of our society. I mean, even if you look at like the military now, their ads are for women and You can be pregnant. You can be trans you can be whatever the fuck you want

But they are not showing back in the day when I was a kid, you know, be all that you can fucking men Coming down mean faces mud coming out of the jungle fucking haven't seen those commercials Yeah, those was the ones that made you want to go they don't want that shit. I could be that shit Remember even the Navy commercials who to crawl and accelerate your life Remember that deep voice that deep voice black dude. Yeah, did you see the net? Did you see bring up there? The commercial I saw I talked about that we talked about before right guys. I think we talked military yeah I'm not sure think we talk so well they have okay they have the they showed the Chinese military recruitment shit was just fucking dudes just in red hey just millions of them and then smashing two by fours on their

forearms then they showed the Russian guys just massive dudes with yoked out don't even fit in their uniforms. What happened in America? They had a pregnant woman flying a helicopter. I'm inclusive. What? I want, I don't want an inclusive person. I don't want somebody that cares.

I want a murderer. I want fucking. She was pregnant and now? Good. I want murderers. It was a cartoon too. I want fucking he was pregnant and I would I want murderers it was a cartoon too I want a fucking made a made a my water just broke No, what happened to the guys that clean the guns in 10 seconds reload? I want I want a baby killer. Oh wow, okay?

I want a guy just walks over steps on a baby, pushes the kid's head into the mud. You know what I mean? Pfft. Oh, that's all I get. Fuck it. That's who you want. Right, right. That's how we won. That's how you defend a country. That's how we won.

My homie's dad was like that. Like he went over, he did a lot of wild shit over in the war and I never forget. We had to meet up with his girlfriend at the time, her dad. So we're in like middle school, we're like 13, 14 years old, right? And the girl's dad, he's playing the part. Like he's got like the camo pants on, he's got like the wrap around sunglasses,

like in the house, seven o'clock at night, gun on the end table, just like he's just really- You're going, oh, the boyfriend killer thing? Yeah, and when we got out and we got in the car, I never forget his dad goes, why is he acting like that? That man is a coward. He ain't never killed nobody. And that was just like the way we both knew like, Oh, dude, he's a murderer. Other dude that was said, my homie's dad. Yeah, he like

called it out and got that man's never killed anybody. Why is he fucking crazy? This is the Russian commercial play that There's one with all three. I mean look at this shit Those are just men Lifting weights with somebody what's here on it. Look at the look at the size of his arms. Oh, look at them. They're just men.

What if though they're actors and most of them are gay? Do me a favor, find the one that I talked about. All three, please, because they are ruggedly handsome. You know what I mean? Yeah, but they're all kill. Like it's your cab driver. We'll murder you. Yeah. The guy that's...

The beat behind it. Yeah, these guys... These guys... It's all three. It's China, it's Russia, and an American fucking cartoon. It's so silly. Hi! Hi!

Hey, we're here in America. We want everybody to be part of the military. It's a good opportunity. And we love everybody. We're gonna go over lollipops and fucking handshakes. Yeah. And I can't wait till some other country just cuts their hands off. Just hang out funk. Yeah. Yeah. It'll happen. I miss old. Now let me ask you another question. Did you find it? Here it is right here. Army recruitment has tried this is so silly dude. We were done. We're done. We got to wait for it to zoom up. I mean, like your dad's men, they're men. They're men. Whatever whatever whatever they were as dads, they went into the military

for this country. Yeah, right. Yeah. And they're men. And they raised two men. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And they're men. And they raised two men. Yeah. Whatever hard things happen to you. I doubt what it... I doubt it.

The bad things they gave you, you know what not to do. And the good things they gave you, you absorbed. And that's why you're here doing what you're doing. Yeah. Right? Here we go. I hate my producers so much. I wanna... I hope he... All right, here we go. I hate my producer so much. I wanna, I hope he, I know, blame it, yep, okay.

How about let it load and then play it? Yeah. Yeah, fucking stupid bots. Speaking of like being a man, I feel like I'm a man. Like I know how to fix stuff. I don't work on cars. I used to ride motorcycles and work on bikes. I still keep like tools, but but I'm quiet about it now.

You know what I mean? Because people like to ask you to do stuff. Well, that makes me happy, because I was talking to somebody, a square about somebody, when I say that, like one of my friends who's not in comedy, who's a man? Okay. And he was like, do you have friends? I go, no, comics aren't men.

Like, I don't know any men. Yeah, yeah. Like, Keith isn't a man. Nah. Like, Voss, I'm a man. Like, I don't know any men. Like, I don't, Keith isn't a man. Voss, I'm a man. Not with those hands. No. No. Like Norton, like my friends, none of us are,

you know what I mean? But I have a tool shed. I have a hole, you know what I mean? I fix shit. I build stuff. Okay. Like there is a side of me that wants to be a man, but I'm not a man. I know men. Yeah, and the fact that I go up and I tell dick jokes for an hour and I'm tired

It's like I'm really Yeah, I feel like I'm stealing money with that like like if I'm not I am still physically tired at the end of the day Like how I saw men when I was growing up home and tired. Yeah Sweat and carry. You ever see the dude on the train with a vest and a fucking wheelie thing of tools? Yeah. And it's like eight o'clock. That's not working again.

I'll kill you. Or if you have a job. I'll fucking embarrass me again. It is working. I was waiting for your stop-talk. Oh, it's good. Hang on one second. Wait, wait.

I'll kill you if you're passive aggressive too. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Did you hear that? Oh my God, is it? Go ahead, play. No sound. Hey, fuckface. Do I get a sorry? Sorry.

I don't like his autistic sorry. Sorry. Anyways, there you go. I get to, yeah, these motherfuckers look like they ready to go. Play the sound. I hate him. Yeah. There we go.

Look at that. Just, it's all men. There's no women. There's us. Hi. Hey. Look at Russia. Oh, that's just fucking... I think that's still China. Is that China? That's still China. Same shit. Okay.

It really is, though. Look at all the rockets they're killing us with. Yeah, man. Look at all those rockets, dude. Look at this Fucking planes rockets more guns. They're blowing up everything. Yeah Fucking helicopters tanks tanks. Everything is running next to the tanks. I mean Pat look at all those pop now guys popping out Okay, there you go. I mean China's no fucking joke Guys popping out. Okay. There you go. I mean China's no fucking joke There's a billion of them too by the way. Yeah, mostly males wave after wave wave after wave after wave Those cock suck is he chicken and rice every day. They don't give a fuck. They don't care. They don't have tick-tock

They ready to go to percent body. Look at that shit dude. They're ready to go ready to go Look at that dude. No, he he gets he's a black belt to dude. He gets reelected. Oh shit every year I mean he in the fucking helicopter on the tank. Yeah, he ready to try try to try I know what they do if you go against him they run over you with the tank Yeah, people show up and just snatch you up. Yeah. And you'll be gone. Gone. Gone.

Never to be seen again. Type shit. How do you fight that shit? Yeah. How are we gonna, we have a, we have an officer that transitioned. Yeah. I mean, I don't, I mean, it's kind of cool because it's like, hey, what's up guys? You know what I mean?

I mean, mean I that's pretty ballsy for a dude in the military he's in the Air Force tour believe was like listen I'm gonna become Jen whatever his name is all right here's Russia look at Russia look at them all men all right look at something to fight for look at them. They're shredded in the dark. They shredded dude Look at this. You can be a Gillette commercial also. Oh Dude, they're doing push-ups shirtless. Yeah, buddy. That's against the law in our military Look at this they're jumping over shit. Yeah tires. This is rocky three

They're jumping over shit. Yeah. Tires. This is Rocky III. No bullshit though, Bobby. Look at this motherfucker. Look at these mean. I mean, they're all mean. No bullshit, Bobby.

And he can attest. This is how I work out in the morning. I work out outside, push-ups, pull-ups, obstacle course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even go to the gym anymore. Fuck that. I wouldn't be like these guys. I live way to the gym. Yeah. I mean, they go., I mean they're working on like these goofy. Look at that. I mean these months. That's look at this

There you go, there's us Animated Dude we suck this is It's all it's all women. This is Pixar. We're fucking're fucking done. Oh, okay. Wait. Listen. This is listen I'm gonna throw up It's a kid That's a woman It's a girl. Yeah, that's we have we we didn't have any footage. No, we didn't have any actual rocket. Where's our montage?

Two moms listen stop stop Two moms. Listen, stop, stop. Pause it. Okay, listen. Two moms, listen. Emma? Emma, yeah. They're gonna play that video as propaganda to kill us. Good.

Murder us. We just went, did you see China? Yeah. They shot 7,000 rockets. Yeah. Just for practice. We shot one cartoon. A cartoon rocket.

By a lesbian. Yeah. By a. A cartoon rocket. A cartoon rocket. By a lesbian. By a future lesbian. Dude, no offense. God bless lesbians. God bless them. I don't want you in the military. Like I've got lesbian neighbors. They fight a lot, but I don't think it's...

I don't tell them. I like that. I love lesbians. Me too. They're my favorite. Me too. Me too. Of the whole alphabet community. Absolutely. I love lesbians. Me too. They're my favorite of the whole alphabet community. I love lesbians. It's great sense of humor. They're chubby like me mostly. I mean they're just all I love lesbians.

The best play it. I don't want you having daughters and having them in my military because you're gonna go listen. I don't know if I don't do we shoot these people We talk can I just give me an opportunity to talk to these seven billion chinese guys that are gonna kill me Hang on one side Watch the rest of it. It's this shit is nuts Emma Emma hopefully doesn't end up a system. No you didn't Wait a minute. Where's that? Yeah, that's what we want

Where's our montage I want baby killers your guns when I was six years old one of my mom's had an accident I left her paralyzed Doctor said she might never walk again or scissors Your mom other mom's dump there She might never walk again or scissors. You're right. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh boy, where's that a montage? At least gave them a montage. No, this is it. So much in life. This is it Yep, sure. I want to check with But what did I really achieved on my own? Like a fucker my sorority sisters was starting abroad in Italy This is our military. I was looking on Instagram and I was like, I gotta do something with my life. Yo, we in trouble, bro. She can't even climb the ropes!

Oh no! Dave was doing, oh no! A way to prove my inner strength, and maybe shatter some stereotypes along the way. Listen, listen. She's not gonna make it out of the barracks, bro. Here she is, here she is. Our circle, Emma Malone Lord.

And I answered my calling. Yeah, and guess what? When you get kidnapped and they break your legs, we're gonna have to send Navy SEALs in in the middle of the fucking night to come get you. Oh no, she's not even gonna get that far. My drill sergeant was yelling at me. All I know is that if the Butch lesbians

can put up a fight, then I'm down for it. All right, put them in. If they could scrap. If her mom was in, I'd go. Dude, you saw the mom dip titties look like tanks. Yeah. You pull that bulldike in the military, I'm in. I'm not having you. I need that in the hole with me.

I'm not having you fucking your. The girl mom, the dad mom. I want that one. I want the one with the short haircut. Right. Yeah, that one. I want that limp I want the one with the yeah the short haircut right the one yeah that one that limp back straight yeah she a fighter yeah I want the one with the anchor tattoo on her neck that one she wants to be called Tex I don't want that I don't want that twink sorority girl in my military my mom's are lesbians yeah that's not blowing the planes up that's

not gonna blow up a plane I'm telling telling you, dude, we're fucked. That's pretty crazy, bro. That is looming. That is pretty scary shit, man. Did you see the Russian one? Yeah. Every guy was bald. You saw the slow walk with the parachute.

He landed on the snow and that shit was crazy, bro. Dude, that Russian guy comes across her. He's gonna snap her neck. Just crush her face, bro. I mean, dude, we's going to snap her neck. Mm-hmm. Just crush her face. Bro. I mean, dude, we're fucked. We're done. There you go. We're queers in the military.

I don't mind gays in the military, but I want the angry ones. I want the big lesbians. The big mean ones. And I want the guys with the mustaches. Yeah. You know what I mean? Circus guys. No.

I mean, it's we're fucked. We're fucked. Oh, the guys go like, they fight like this? Yeah. Yeah, we're the big it's fucked. Oh fuck. Oh Guys go like that fight like this. Yeah, yeah Mustaches it's I think I can't a ball to the stomach them guys Yeah, you guys said before the show too like how you're not in like the black community doesn't really like gay people Right that was a weird thing. We don't like them. We love them. Yeah, can you explain on that? How P. Diddy you said that he's oh he fruit pop did he fruit pop? What do you mean cuz looking at everything that went down?

Yeah, and then thinking about I'm from the era making the band and he did a lot of such shit looking back like I remember When he made all the men sing to each other in that one hotel room took the shirts off and shit y'all want to deal right? You want to sing for bad boy, and he was eating cheesecake while he was doing it. Like, it was, it was, that's pretty crazy. I saw a meme that said Biggie wasn't cock-eyed. He was just watching Diddy. That shit was great!

He just knew you needed to keep an eye on him. And he, and you saw his eye over looking at Diddy, like what the fuck is he up to? Like shit was awesome, bro. I saw that today. Good shit. Ah. That's funny.

Now, now Philly, we got to wrap this up soon. I got questions for you. But Philly is going through some shit right now. What happened? I live here, so I don't know what's going on. I mean, dude, Philly's fucked up right now. I mean, the drugs and all the shit that's going down. I mean, it's pretty rough.

Sections of Philly, you don't know about that? I feel like it's just a- It's like a zombie. It's like a zombie. It's like a white guy who just picked any neighborhood to be like, so Philly, right? No man, Philly's going through the shit right now with drugs. Yeah.

Yeah, the drugs. You going through the shit with drugs. No, you know what though? Okay, so I watched live cams, right? And you're gonna see a little bit of autism in me, but like, there's live cams all over the world, every you just look at what's going on. Yeah, Philly my hometown I decided I wanted to see what they have and our Philly live cam is the it's the worst doomsday There's a part of Philly bring it up Danny the part of Philly that is I mean it is

What is it called? Kenzington? Kenzington and Allegheny And they got a live camera on that corner. KNA. 10th City, bro. And then, I mean, they ain't fixing it. They're just letting it go down. No, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. It's like, they even, the last mayor got,

he got like a lot of slack, because he was trying to create safe houses. Just basically like go in the vacant and shoot up. That way kids going to school don't have to walk over like dead bodies in the morning. You know what I mean? Like yeah. I mean, this is nuts.

Yeah man. And this is, yeah, this is the train station, which that's actually pretty clean. Like they, somebody swept the steps in sidewalk today. Yeah, I love it. These guys, I'm telling them to bring up zombie land shit and they bring up, it's, oh, it's good now. They fixed it.

Thanks guys. I mean, dude, there would be so much trash on those steps Right now I still see some trash Danny is sabotaging me tonight. I don't know why type in shit-filly crack Go back to that a little bit later as the camera scans back the other way You'll see all the tents and all of the people laying on the street. It's just a bad angle Are you guys you got you don't go back to Philly that much now you're here? I do I own property What yeah, I'm real estate and Philly. Who are you?

Where do you own property because Not a friend he has things you bought like like houses and apartments mm-hmm property because comedy doesn't pay that well up front. Not up front. I have children. So you bought like houses and apartments or something? Mm-hmm. Dude, that's so crazy. Yeah. And I do it if only because I know the neighborhoods. So yeah, I know what to avoid and where to avoid.

But hopefully my portfolio will expand and I'll be able to start buying property in other cities as well as other countries. And I'm hoping to acquire enough property in other countries. well as other countries. And I'm hoping to acquire enough property in other countries to acquire what they call a dual citizenship. Dual citizenship. This is my nigga man, he know about stuff. I'll be able to go to another country

because I have value there. Value. I feel like the old guys in trading places right now. One dollar. Monima. Monima, we fucked up Monima these black guys know more than I thought This motherfucker's slicking a thought yeah, there it is

Jesus Christ, I mean that's yeah, my dentist was on that block. I used to have to get off that... Here's the problem with this. There's no need for this shit. Clean it the fuck up. You can't. No, man, they put it all in one area because you can't stop it.

They clean that shit up in one day when the Chinese motherfucker came to... When he came to California, they cleaned up San Francisco in a... In a... Two days. But where did they put them? That's my old question. What the cut two days put them that's my question What fuck did they put them in the water? Okay, okay

They killed them okay. What if they just wiped them off to face the earth so what? Okay, clean them all out Okay, you say that until the white women find out what they're doing it Yo, man, they had a ruin the world. They kind of did. But anyway, Bob, where did they put them? Well, I realized they put them in cages. They got little cages over there because we ain't seen them We heard buddy. They put them in any in the right now diamond tunnels Diamond tunnels go on. Yeah There's diamond tunnels in Colorado and they put them in there and they have home cave

homes and they hunt for diamonds. Let me ask you something. You know like how these migrants in New York, they just got like money debit cards and stuff like that. Chicago, they got nine grand. Yeah. Do you think any of them will flip that to just become like functioning members of the city?

I think, depends on who it is. I think, you know, if you look at Africans, like from Africa that have come here, they have a strong sense of community. I think Spanish people do too. They don't need a lot and they want to help their family out. The family is the key. If you have a dad and a mom and an uncle and an aunt and a bunch of kids and you just want to make money, like I said, the American dream used to be

have a roof, have some food, spend some time with family. And if you look at Spanish people, that's pretty much what they do. And you look at where they are, they're not really into fucking drugs and dope and all that shit. And you look at... They're scooters, delivering shit. It's... Well, they really... I'm telling you, they look around. Oh yeah, nah. My girlfriend's Puerto Rican and her family is...

They're doing pretty well. Well, when they say, oh, all these migrants are coming in, well, thank God because you're too fucking rich and you're such a dickhead to do that job. Like, all... say, oh, these all these migrants are coming in. Well, thank God, because you're too fucking rich and yeah, dick had to do that job. Like all like that micro guy I really like, because what we're doing, we used to have kids go and get construction jobs. You did lawn landscaping, landscaping. You did plumbing or you went and you got in a union. You got you got a certain pay, and you worked your ass off physically and it sucked whatever it was, but you built things and we did it and we stopped doing those

because these guys made so much money doing it that their kids went to college and went and got some job that doesn't exist and now they just wanna be rich and famous. And now who came up and said, I'll do it? Used to be Italian dudes that did landscaping. It used to be white kids who go around with a lawn mower. I remember when I was a kid,

it was kids going around with lawn mowers and shovels during the winter. Like I'm bringing my kid up. We go out and we do the other people's thing and they give him money. Oh, you can get your kid to shovel? I got him, he's white. I got him a fucking electric, like snowblower. Crazy. Not gonna give him money. Oh, you can get your kid to shovel? I got him, he's white. I got him a fucking electric, like snowblower.

Crazy. I gotta give him a shovel. He's got a Mexican. I mean, it's a green, I got him a green works 80 volts. Yeah, I set him up with a little crew in a truck, but he's not doing the work himself. Patent, this is my book. Patent.

He's crazy. He has mittens. He has high end mittens in a jacket. He's inside doing the work himself. Crazy. He has mittens. He has high-end mittens in his jacket. He's inside with his Stanley mug. He has his iPhone. He's playing Stone Temple Pilot with his Airbus. He's got hot packs on him. Yeah, they're crazy.

He's got a crafty over there for that motherfucker. No, but I don't know. I just miss the... When you talk about all these migrants or whatever coming in, I don't know, I just miss, I miss the, you know, you talk about all these migrants or whatever coming in, it's like, you know, okay, shut, I don't understand. Can we just shut the border? Is there, I mean, I don't know, I don't, I'm stupid,

but it wasn't there a thing for a long time where they weren't coming in. Can we do that again? I remember going to Tijuana and it was hard. Yeah, you're going and you come back and it was hard to get in and out of America. And people who did get here had to go through a lot of shit and then learn about the country and blah, blah. And you kind of like that, right? Yeah.

And you can't I can't go to fucking Germany. I can't go over to Europe. I can't go to Italy. I can't go to these other places without having a passport. I can't stay. I mean, why the fuck is it all right for anybody just to come and it has to be for some weird political thing. And it's deceitful shit. And I don't like it. And I'm not smart enough or know what I have the time to

give a fuck about it enough to do something about it. They mad in Staten Island. You see the shit they be doing in Staten Island. I love that guy and good for him because they're they're actually sticking up for their community. Right. Yes. It's just funny the way you sound. I know a lot of Irish guys and Philly to talk like that too.

Look, I want the neighborhood to stay the same. All right. The Momma's Parade on Broad Street. Every day you were in a black neighborhood. Would you be okay if it just became Spanish overnight? It happens, yeah. I don't think I don't think so. I'm like, I'm like, here's the thing.

All right, Chinese. We've been dealing with that for years, bro. That's for years. And you guys don't like it. Because look at this. You like their wings twice. They brought them wings twice. You like those wings. Double drop them wings. I never had a problem. You like their wings twice. You like their wings twice. They brought their wings twice. You like those wings.

They double dropped them wings. I never had a problem. You like a wing with hair on it. Bruh. With the little hair on the crisp. That popped when you pulled it. Forget the part. Shout out to the Chinese.

Shout out to the fucking wings. They got good wings. They dropped them wings twice. They dropped them wings twice. Now I like the fact that like my neighborhood that I grew up in is being gentrified and I'm happy that that's happening. But mainly for like the white people that never got to leave.

Yeah. Yeah, they turned into the hood black people. They were never a part of white flight. They got left behind. They're there now and their grandchildren are black. And all these white people are coming back from the neighborhood. That's calling Quinn's family.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to the young deck. Yeah, man. I mean, look, I don't give a shit. We're in a mixed neighborhood too. My whole neighborhood. There's gay guys over there.

There's the white couple over here. I got the Trump guy next to me. I got Spanish people on the block. A bunch of black families just bought like four houses on the block. And none of that's real. Bobby just has his new Apple Goggles. No, it's true. It's true, it is true. Like my neighborhood is.

It's a nice neighborhood you live in. It's a nice neighborhood, but when you came, it was mainly white. Shit. I don't know if you lose. I thought you might say something else. If you heard that sound, when you came, it was, I don't know if you heard that thing,

they went, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. Yeah, someone started flipping pigeons. Oh, when y'all came, it was just, it was just white. It was kites in the air. It was just white. Yeah, we knew you were coming an hour before you came. Oh, shit. No, but no, it was.

The neighbor when we moved in was all old, old white couples. Probably died out, right? No, they died out and you know Spanish a couple Spanish families moved in There was like I said for black fit like the guy at the end who I love mr. Force his His family just bought it was like by these houses because they're great houses and they did so that it's a very diverse No, I'm a question is it is the neighborhood still good or is it fucked up now still good? Okay?

Here's why here's why because it's families, right? It's a family neighborhood. So, you know like I You go look out there playing stickball over here or they're over there and they're you know You know, I mean the old white people that there's a couple of them still around and they're like walking around like what happened? Which is kind of funny. But you gotta have that. Yeah, dude. You gotta like that. It's a fun, I'm fine with it.

But I grew up, I grew up with the same shit in Boston. I grew up with the same shit. My first girl for him, Janine McKay was a black chick. Okay. You know what I mean? I didn't, I never, I never, we, look we were, we were bigots. Janine from Dorchester? No, she was from Medford.

I'm fucking around. She, but she, but like my second girl was a black girl too. My son, his first girl that he had a crush on was a black chick. Okay. I was like, yo man, you can't. No, I'm kidding. But he, I mean, First manual labor, now black chicks, come on, man.

Well, when he, when he was like, I want her to come to my birthday party and then she showed up. But she was a big tall black chick too. She was like two feet tall than him. And I was like, I fuck, to come to my birthday party and then she showed up, but she was a big tall black chick too. She was like two feet tall than him. And I was like, I'm happy that he doesn't get, he doesn't see anything like that. He doesn't give a shit about any of that. That's fine.

But it is a, it's a, it's a, I just went, like I feel like we went, I feel like we were right here when Obama was in, where like we're all just like, ah, we're cool, everything's getting cool. And then I feel like they pitted us against each other to fuck with us and split us up. Absolutely. Absolutely.

How else you gonna sell those flags? You gotta sell them shirts, man. You gotta sell them hats, you gotta sell the whole thing. Yeah. Well, let's get back to the other stuff. Let's go back to just hanging out. How, Bob? How? I don't know. We got a lot. We got a, we got a, we come together.

I was hoping you guys would do it. I'm a white guy from Boston. I can't talk anymore. We come together on hating stuff together. We need a common enemy. Let's hate it. We need it. Yeah, let's hate something.

Yeah. We hate it. We should go bully smaller, undeveloped countries. We're doing that. We've been doing that forever. Forever, forever. Yeah, where can we, what can we fuck with? Who hasn't had it in a while?

I don't know. I think Iran's popping off. Want to go after them? Yeah. Yeah, why not? The Iranians. Fuck. Yeah. Maybe Australia too. They got some beautiful women down in Australia. I like this. We're sitting in chairs at a table, talking about conquering other countries. Like a royal right now. It'll be white. Let's be white.

Let's fuck with them. And you know what, let's not us go. Let's send the lesbos over. Let's send the big butch. Let's see if they can get it done. We'll empty our jails and give them the worst ships. How funny would it be if our, how great would it be if the lesbo army went over

and beat the shit out of them? Beat the shit out of them. Beat the shit out of them. I mean, just took them out. They would change everything. Yeah, just like that bitch from fucking Alien. Yeah, Separaty. Yeah, Separaty. Well, the other one, the Spanish one with the short hair.

Oh, yeah, with the bandana. Yeah, with the gun. Yeah, for the first one. You know what? I'm changing my mind on this lesbian army. They might have flopped. Yeah, I did. They gotta be the hard ones. We just watched the movie, so on our podcast, we do, no need for apologies, is our podcast.

Nice. That's what, he's very smart. Yeah, we do no need for apologies at the movies. Derrick and I will sit and watch the movies and fuck around. And we watched this movie recently called The Assignment. The Assignment. The Assignment is Sigourney Weaver and... Michelle Rodriguez. And a chick from Fast and Furious. The fake teeth. assignment is Sigourney Weaver and Michelle Rodriguez.

And a chick from Fast and Furious. The fake teeth. Right. So the, you know, and that chick, she's always dude-like, you know, she's always just second fiddle to Vin Diesel, but she's real dude and butch-like, you know. So I'm like, fuck, you know, this chick, her own lead, you know, it's her with the M16 and the fucking cover. Let's put it on Movie starts off. She's a hit man and she's got like a fake beard and she's on a pony tail And she knocks off a little hit and you go like dude, she wants to be a dude so bad looking at her with the beard Yeah, and and then all of a sudden the hit goes to this hotel to check in takes a shower comes out the shower Hold it. She's got a dick and chest hair. Like the movie, Michelle Rodriguez.

She is a man. Is a man. She's a man. And the plot of the movie is Sigourney Weaver doesn't like somebody that she ended up killing. So Sigourney Weaver captures her and gives her a sex change. And makes her to a woman. To Michelle Rodriguez.

So the rest of the movie, she's running around trying to get her dick back. Okay, I want to see your dick. Is that gay? Sure, check it out. It's weird. It is, and they get to it pretty early. You might be able to see shower scene from the assignment.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. But she's a cheater. I'm literally fighting a heart on right now when you're telling that. Because it was a weird, because you wanted to see Michelle Rodriguez naked. I wanted to see your dick for a long time.

I want to send this clip to Norton. I figured Jimmy would have sold already. But yeah, man, she plays the dude and he's turned into the girl that she already is. It's pretty much what the title is. The assignment is the gender assignment. I'm going to say this. Here's the problem. And I don't mean any disrespect to women by this.

You send over the toughest women we have here into war and you can see it on, they're gonna get their face kicked in the first day. Yeah. You ever watch like- You saw the episode of Survivor where the dudes went off and they made fires and all that shit and then the girls couldn't do it

so they came over to the dudes island after a while anyway. It was like, we fucked up. Can we get next to y'all fire and can y'all cook our fish? Here's the deal. They showed in the military where they're fighting and this girl's like, let's go. Guy come over and beat the fuck out of this girl

in five seconds and they were mad at him. He's like, what? Yeah. If you do it, look in karate. All this stuff. I mean, look, I'm not saying there's tough women that will beat the shit out of me Yep, but I'm not that guy I'm talking when you get the guy that mean as the other soldiers Delta Force Rangers seal

Those decorated soldiers. Yeah, those are we've trained these guys. They're the baddest motherfuckers on earth And you put them up against the the baddest woman on earth You're gonna get you Fuck that fuck a big soldier Fuck that an eighth grader who was raised by his mom who said I don't give a fuck if she is a girl if she hits him Hit him back. Yeah, I know videos these little classroom These girls get up on these boys faces and these boys beat the shit out of they mama told me Don't be no bitch. That's why I that's another reason why I don't teach.

Everybody's like, you got a degree in math, you should teach. No fucking way. Let's teach in my car like. I don't like girls getting hurt, but it is. Like grad school. It's a funny thing when the girls beating the shit out, it's slapped like, I'll fucking,

and the guy just goes whack and she just falls on the ground. I don't believe you helped me. Their faces when they realize, oh, I fucked up. I'm a girl. Oh, that hurt a lot. I've been hit by other girls. That was something else. That felt like an elephant kicked me. We're going after a security guard, a six foot six security guard with all shoulders and just knocks her to the concrete right away.

So because this is a funny thing too, because you guys said before the show, like we should start hitting women again, because that's the way to get back to the real America. And that can you expand on that? Well, you know, ladies, asshole, Bobby, you know, such an asshole. I love Bobby Kelly. Well, I like who you are. I'm glad we friends.

Now it took a long time. It took a long time. I was never like in your eyesight for a very long time. Well, because look at dude. But that's fine, I had to earn it. I hate your dice clay fucking analogy. I had to earn it. No, it's not that, is that you're never around.

I'm here. You here early, I'm here late. Estie puts me on a night shift. Yeah, now, but back in the day, like you had that Philly crew come in and you rolled in like 12 deep Yeah, we did it was only four of us It was us it was Dave me Monroe and Chris cotton recipes. Yeah, and the other guys, too

You got fally and Kibby and Tommy and all yeah, okay his favorites He said I mean, how can you not like Foley? I mean, the guy, he does that tongue thing when he laughs. I just, he's adorable. He's such a likable. Shout out to the R.U. garbage guys. I mean, come on, they're just, they're very likable people. Very likable guys.

They are likable guys. But, no, but you guys all came down at once, like this crew, like me and Byrne Patrice and yeah oh yeah because they didn't want to be made us do that. Oh here it is. Yeah this is it. There you go. What did you say?

What did you say? You didn't want to work? Keith made us kind of do that whole you know tag up come to New York type shit. But here's the thing and you got to go do it. You got to do your thing. It's like like you got to you all had to go do your shit. Some of you made it and some of you didn't. And that happened the same thing with us.

Some of our crew made it and some of them went to Boston and some of them moved out of the country and went out of the place. Do the guys that went back to Boston, did they still like hit you up? Is this me? Yeah. Did they ever still hit you up to be like,

hey Bobby, I see you're doing this nice gig in town. I haven't been on stage in six years. No. I think I could come in. When does that stop? That happens all the time. There's a thing with Boston that you can still make a good living doing stand-up. So all those guys that didn't make it out,

you still make good money doing stand-up. But they're cooking in Boston. So yeah, or in Boston. Yeah, they're doing that Boston thing where they have some other job, but they're still making cash money gigs. Okay There's still a living to me. That's why I like that. I love those guys never left. Yeah I like the hustle in Boston. I mean no the the funniest guys on the planet are still in Boston because why would we leave?

We make a lot of money just here. Okay, some of the funniest dudes in Philly are still cutting hair That's why we left because they weren't leaving. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I left Yeah, I told these motherfuckers. Yo, you got to come in. I wasn't I was left behind. He called everybody because when we started, when I started, Kevin Hart had just made that thing happen. Who was that? The little guy, little short little kept the bastard. Look kept the bastard. Yeah. What was that? Filly comic, but he hung up with Keith, Keith took him up and he made some of himself. He's got the little thing on his cheek

But like so there were so many people Bitch No, but there were so many people that at that time, were still trying to attach themselves to, oh, he wasn't that funny when he was here, I remember blah, blah, blah. And so that for me was a red flag. Like, I never wanted to be those guys. You know what I mean? That was, I remember, you know?

Yeah, it's called The Curse of Rich Salter. Shout out to my homie. Who's that? It's a guy, one of the funniest dudes. I ever met in my entire life. Him and Kev started at the same time. Kev used to tell Rich when he was in Philly at the gallery, yo I'm going up to New York, we could be the dudes to take this shit. And Rich would be like, nah I'm making money here, pressing t-shirts, telling jokes in the city. He would actually give Kev money to get here.

Give Kev money to get to New York. And it was just like, god damn Rich you could have went up with him, because you funny like. That's how people get out though, man. Will Smith, he told a story, I read his book, he told a story where a drug dealer gave him five grand to get out of town and get the LA. And he never had to pay that back because the drug deal was murdered like two days later.

Damn. Well, my real dad gave me $1,000 to go to New York. I wouldn't, my real dad, if he didn't give me that grand,'t like that check to come here I wouldn't I would have to go back yeah my my mom and my stepdad didn't have money to give me but my real dad they gave me money they didn't believe in you what's that they had it they didn't believe in you they just yeah no they didn't believe in me also my mom still tells me I should come home and cut hair with me Also, my mom still tells me I should come home and cut hair with me. Bobby, can I tell you something?

Can I tell you something seriously? You said something once on your podcast that it helped me with my relationship with my mom. You were talking about how, because my mom was a lot like your mom. When you mentioned in one time where you called your mom and she started nagging at you and you had to do what the hell? And she kind of snapped out of it to be like,

hey kid, when are you gonna learn? I'm not gonna change, this is me. And it was such a thing where I was like, oh yeah, they're never gonna change. Like just accept them for what they are and be fine with that, you know what I mean? I haven't fought with her since. Yeah, exactly.

Over 10 years ago. Exactly. I was at Mohegan's son out on that fucking balcony where the pool is screaming. Yeah. Another one of our, and she literally whispered, Bobby, Bobby, you're gonna realize, I'm never gonna change.

See that? That's a good mom. I literally went, oh God. It was frightening. Yeah, buddy. You got a color. I felt the same way, out in Arizona, had good weed in the desert smoking

and I'm on the balcony screaming at my mother. And I'm like Not that and it's not her fault. Mm-hmm. No because they they grew up in that thing and whatever happened to her happened to her here And I said this all the father figures. I've had ten dads. Okay. I always say that I've had ten dads Because I've had all these different father figures that have been in my life. I have my original dad, I have my stepdad that was Matt, I have my second stepdad that was really a great father, great guy, but I was already juvenile and fucking out of the house in jail. I had Dick Marcotte, I had Ken Lazarus, I had all these people,

I had my five uncles that all gave but all them gave me certain things absolutely So if you look at the way I'm looking at my son and how I'm raising him. I'm like oh, I got that from Ken Yeah, yeah, I got good stuff from them, but the stuff that they did bad to me that happened From my mom of these dad. I learned what not to do to myself. Absolutely. So it's like, I look at it like, hey man, it was good either way. Because I learned, hey, I don't want to do silent scorn, because that sucked. I hated it. I'm never going to do that to my kid. I'm always going to let him talk, and we're going to talk and get it out.

So we have that relationship. I'm never going to walk around and ignore my son. But I learned that from one of those guys who used to do that to me. But I also learned affection from the same guy, you know hugging and kissing. I it's not a I always thought that was a gay You know, you know, I was your if a man touches you that's gay. Yeah, and I don't fuck you I love my kid. I love I hug him. I kiss him You know, I'll snuggle with them, you know, I hug him I kiss him you know I'll snuggle with him you know I give him affection because that's something you have to give a kid but I'm also tough on my kid I'm not raising I want him to be a man I want him to do

you don't want him to go to the army you know I'll be a fucking little sissy and join them the Marines with those dikes I listen we got questions for these guys. Do you want the questions patroned? Um, yeah, I guess you I mean, can you have some self esteem, Max? Danny, can you help him with like some confidence? No. I mean, Joe, Joe, can you help Danny with confidence?

Sure thing, Bobby. Wow. Wow. These guys suck. Even like, you're not even like Volt with confidence? Sure thing, Bobby. Wow, these guys suck. Yeah, even like you're not even like Voltron together. You're not shit. Look at the nerves. Love that joke. I want to see this clip.

Do you have that clip? It was going to make me put in a credit card and for a porn website. I couldn't find it without doing that. What about porn hub? It was on Mr. Skin, but you have to put a credit card into. I guarantee it's on porn hub, but whatever. Yeah, but you have to put a credit card into it. I guarantee it's on Pornhub, but whatever. Yeah, we're gonna go to Patreon.

I wanna give you your plugs one more time. No need for Apologies podcast. That's the podcast. And Gaines, you've been acting a lot. Yeah, I've been doing some stuff. I'm in another episode of Blue Bloods in March. Blue Bloods, man. Love that.

Love that. That's great. Those gigs are great, cause you get there forever. Forever. Yeah, man. Love that. I love that. That's great. Those gigs are great because you get me forever. Forever. Yeah man. My agent dumped me like two years ago. I used to go and all those all the time. Yeah man.

Yeah. Last time I got ones, I got such bad advice. They wanted me for an audition and I got, no, someone said offer only. And I was like, what? I'll do the audition just no fuck that They know stupid studio and they I haven't been I hate but that's good that you got it Why do I make it about myself? Yeah, we were in the middle of plugs. No do the plug No, no need for apologies podcast. Yeah, you too. Yeah, you can check us out on YouTube type in an NFA podcast Any platform you'll find it there. We're actually on tour now the four tour our first four months of 2004. No need for 2024.

You're touring together. Yeah, dual headlining sometimes dual podcasting. So this weekend you can catch us in Minnesota at the house of comedy 21st we're in Los Angeles, Philadelphia, London, England, Washington, DC, Baltimore. You're doing London? Yeah, we're moving around a bit. Yeah, we're doing some other, Philadelphia, London, England, Washington, DC, Baltimore. You're doing London? Yeah, we're moving around a bit. Yeah, we're doing some other stuff over there too. Never been.

So it's me either. So it's my first time over here too. Yeah, this is our first time going too. So. That's great. I've said that about myself again. Yeah, man. So if you guys are in any of those cities,

or you know, get to the Linktree and keep up with us and when we're in your city, you know, we'll be out there. Guys, I'm glad you're popping off. I see you on TV. I see you guys on podcast Yeah, you guys doing great and I mean just funny. We're gonna go to questions now. It's that paper Bobby plug your dates on the screen now you plug them I can't see because the screens behind me and I'm blind

Bobby's gonna be at comics Mohegan Sun. She's a March 7 through 9th. Yeah, Tampa March 7th through 9th, Tampa side splitters in Tampa on March 14th through 16th and Huntington, New York at the Paramount with Big J. Oak is in March 21st. Okay March 22nd through 2030 is gonna be in Poughkeepsie, New York at Laugh It Up Poughkeepsie then the Riot Comedy Festival in Texas in Houston, Texas then the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas, then the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas, Lafayette, Louisiana, Boston, Massachusetts. RobertKellyLive.com. Listen, I'm going to throw up. I can't take it. I just surround myself with bad people.

I could have just got one producer 10 years ago that has nothing to do with stand-up, but I have to help young comedians, white. Then also get, why KWD merch? No, you had an Indian dude over here for a while. I did have an Indian dude, but what a cunt he was. I mean, he's trying to blackmail me, but he was good. D-Pu was the shit. Didn't he like build most of the infrastructure

for this shit? No, the original one, yeah. He was so smart, he was just great. But he was, yeah, a really smart guy. Very funny too. Yeah. Very funny. Not on stage, but like in the podcast. He was quick.

They're very fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're mean. They're pretty mean guys. Smart. Yeah, you ever get those phone calls from people trying to scam you? The Indian people? Yeah.

Yeah. They actually see how mean they can be. Wow. Yeah, make sure you check out them. Make sure you check out these guys really quick. Go ahead. Max Marcus Comedy, all social media. Follow me on Instagram at DannyBraf and come see me at the Dojo Comedy February 16th.

Nice. That's your quote, Danny. The cheese show on YouTube for all things Joe Russell. And these guys are going to be touring with me too at various dates, so make sure you come check us out. I want to thank you guys for coming on and we're going to go to Patreon right now. We're going to ask you questions, maybe talk a little bit more for a little bit. So if you want to check out the questions from the people from the Patreon,

go to patreon.com. That's Robert Kelly. I think it's a cup of coffee a month. That's all it is. That's the price for it and you guys get to be live in the, while we're doing this live in the chat, ask questions and you get extra shows every week. We try to give you what we can over there to support the show. Thanks for that. If not, just hit the subscribe button. Just do that for us. Thanks for listening. We'll see you guys next week. Now what, the podcast.