Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Disappointing Abs

Episode Date: January 26, 2015

Robert is joined by Illiza Shlesinger, Joe list, Luis J. Gomez, Mark Normand, Chris Scopo and Deepu Gill. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con fireball! Disfruta de un consumo responsable, 33 grados. ¡You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude! On the RiotCast Network, RiotCast.com Hey everyone, this is Mark and Matt from TheLafput.com We're happy to announce that we'll be joining the RideCast Network with our brand new comedy news podcast.

Yeah, we're gonna be talking about all the latest news in the world of comedy. We're gonna have comedians on the show. We're gonna have some discussion. We're gonna do some interviews, we're gonna review things. We're gonna be talking about pretty much anything happening in the comedy world covered on theLafputt.com. And we'll be debuting clips along the way, too.

All right, join us weekly for the last button podcast on the Rye Cast Network. All right, this is a pre-show. Are you video recording? Depot, all right. What's up? This is the YKWD. We're doing a little pre-show to let you guys know

what's happening on the show today. Today, Scuapo, we have who are the guests? We have Mark Norman, bang. Joe List, Louus J. Gomez, Dude, Analyza Slesinger. Aliyza Slesinger. Boops.

Just throw yourself today. I was talking about you. You're great. That's right. All right. He is hot, though. All right, so, anyways, big weekend for me too. We're to my first TCA.

La, la land. It was fucking good man. It was it I will talk about it, but it was pretty It was the real deal. It was fucking the big time, you know, it was really fucking Yeah, you on the stage crazy crazy crazy but we also we're gonna be talking about boobs and But we also were gonna be talking about boobs. And I guess Lewis came in today. He came in a little fucking heated, dude. On the phone with a very important person, having a fucking nice,

a nice fucking conversation with a very new friend of mine, and you come in screaming and fucking in the background, like, I'm not even on the phone, who is this person? And his name is, first name is none and the last name of your business. Jewish. I have to go out and get our guests, but I just wanna say, if Lewis,

if the show started at 231, I told him, he still would have been late. No, I wouldn't have, I gotta get this. 227. Yeah, and what does Bobby want? I want 15 minutes early. Donuts. That's true.

All right, well, anyways, here's what I want to say to you, hang on one sec. I'm going to answer this. Is this the person you're cheating on, Don? No, no, no, wait, what are you minding? I'm cheating on Don. What the fuck's wrong with you? All right, hang on one second.

Hello. It's a woman. It's a woman. Hey, go ahead, talk. Take a, hang on, I'm doing a live podcast. Louis, take over the podcast I'll take over but I don't you're not gonna hear my qualms today All right

Louis Jay Gomez here doing billbar Monday morning podcast style Bobby Kelly just went to go talk to his mistress on the phone Do I really think that I don't know I might you know? He's becoming a big Hollywood star now. He's on, uh, a TV show on FX now. He's got his hour special that just came out. I mean, Bobby Kelly himself. He's kind of hit a new level. So would he cheat on his wife? Would he cheat on a little baby, Max? Knowing him as a person, I wouldn't think so. But Bobby Kelly, as the person that we knew it the also i'm going to use a metaphor here the little hungry caterpillar that he was

now he's kind of uh... exploded into this uh... this very hungry butterfly so hungry exploded all right he's definitely a bit more people you know my kids okay oh thanks buddy are we still on a re- are recording video and audio. Okay, nice. This is the pre, you know what? Dude, dude, hammer-fishing special show. Me and Deepo, the only brown people on today show my day at. Is that right?

Yeah, I think so. Is it a lies a brown? Is a lies a brown? I think she's Jewish, Schlesinger. That's kind of brown. I kind of consider that brown. Yeah, your people consider that fucking, the enemy, the targets. Everybody's the enemy.

Yeah. People, I've never actually even really talked to you. I know. I've never had enough actual respect to have a conversation with you. That's right. Now, as a comic, I totally get that. You're a comic.

I am a comic. Okay, see, we're learning new things about each other moment by moment. So you're a stand-up comedian. That's true. Why don't I ever see a performer? Where are you? I don't get up at, well, first of all, I do a lot of open mics. Okay. And I don't think you do as many as of those as I do. So I think I'm on a different circuit. But

that's very true. Yeah, you gave me you let me you gave me three checks, boss, at L. What am I supposed to write? Well, it's not me. You know, I fucking yeah, yes. You kind of hooked me up with that. I would do it. Yes. And that was like a real kick in the pants I was talking to Mike Canada about that the other day. Holy shit. Do it checks. Yeah, performing in front of real people Yeah, I mean both honestly like I try and work hard I try and get as much as I can but see people was like it's almost like open mics are counterintuitive and when you're sitting there Beheading in inf, people cheering around you. Yeah, you know, firing guns into the air first stage time. I think you get used to that feeling, that

feeling of being important and being on top and just owning that crowd. And that crowd going nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kill the juice. Kill the juice. Kill the juice. Yes. Yeah. Don't say that on my podcast. What happened? Well, Bobby's back. Bobby's back, hi guys. I, oh wow. If, just when you think it can't get better in my career,

did it get better? What? No. What? Are you gonna help me more? What? I hear something. I feel like you've reached the ceiling

on what you could do for me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dude, it's not that I reach the ceiling is that, I just can't be around you as much anymore Come on if you were the guy back at Mohigan Sun the the nice guy that was just a sweetie and doing magic tricks and being goofy and Sweet Foxwoods Foxwoods if you were that guy I the guy that I fell in love with yeah, I'm still that guy I just said to Deepu as you were away., that you used to be a little hunger caterpillar, and now you're a very hungry butterfly,

and you're fucking flying off, just fucking eating more donut dens and higher classiness. I haven't had, let me tell you this. I lost 10 pounds. I haven't had a sugar or a grain in a month, and I started with my trainer today. Yeah. And I almost threw up twice and passed out three times.

I don't think that's supposed to happen Yeah, well he had me doing some MMA shit so Whoa show the belly to Bob just the Bob but not I'm not the scopo yet not the scopo yet be your camera. Yeah, that's okay Okay, well, I look like fucking butter ruckette. Well, she's belly button now But it's coming it's coming back. No, you, it's coming back, Bobby. No, you did, you're coming back. Absolutely, it's just too bad, it's for not. I can't get nothing, I'm gonna get anything with it.

No, I'm gonna get on your TV show season two. What? You're out of your bodyguard. No, you're out of your bodyguard. You're gonna call me a Bobbyguard. I'd say, anyway. Norman and Joe Lists are in traffic, but they said they'll be here before we will read Yeah, we'll start we're gonna start at three o'clock. We're doing a little pre show. What's that lies? It's downstairs

Okay, great. I don't think she was happy about that many people being on the podcast. Why is that? She was like how do you want us podcasts? I'm like like five today She's like, oh, we're just gonna talk over each other. No, we're not she didn't say that. No, we're not Why don't we bring her up now? Why don't we? I told her to. Let's bring it up now. We're gonna start the show.

Get her up now. Okay. And let's call Mark Norman and them and say, look, we're doing, you know, that we're just coming quietly. You know, let's say we're already giving attitudes. No, she did not, dude. I understand it. You want to come on and be on a show.

You're a little nervous. Look, there's a fucking bunch of killers in here I'd be nervous too you tell me if you've never been on the show and you all of a sudden Mark He was an actual killer of Christians and Jews. I go go talk to that make sure they come in We're gonna start the show we did a little pre-show But you are you okay now? Are you fucking calm? I'm okay, but here's the point. I wanted to make you really Confirilize ahead. Go ahead, please as another father Okay, I feel like you because you give like Dan give like, Dan, so much leeway, Joe,

so much leeway, these guys, I watch them show up late all the time, right? And you never flip out on them, every time you flip out on me, and I don't show up late any more than them, you just feel it, you see it more that way, because you see me in yourself. Just never late.

So you get mad at yourself, you're yelling at yourself. No, actually last week I apologized to you. You didn't, but You did. So stop. So you're gonna take that into account. I will. And then I tell, for you I say, I don't want to, I want to start the show at three. I have shit to do.

So I can't start at either I, either, this is my two options and I've told you this before. Either I started five past or 10 past and whatever the fuck you show up when you decide to come. Or I fucking ask you, please. And I'm you show up when you decide to come or I fucking ask you please and I Show up for 10 minutes early so we can start at three and I do because I don't want everybody rolling in at three Can I tell the fans what happened though? We first of all Scopo told me to be here today at 2.30 right? Hold on talk to me. Why don't you tell me?

Scopo, why don't you stop talking to the fans? Why don't you talk to you? I bet you knew this you've got to talk to a friend You know it. What you know what you used to be fat fucking movie fat fucking again When you play I will I'm not going for a third fat fuck that dude if I get fat again It's over dude. I'm done 100% all right. Go ahead. What are you gonna tell me? Scope will tell me to be here at 230. Yeah, so then me being a fuck it was a little early I said scope a 220 dude. Come on Bobby told you Like an asshole, I tell him 10 minutes earlier than that. So then I'm fucking rushing to you, I'm yelling at you. You were late.

I was late technically for the 220. You were late for the 220. So you're always gonna be late. Now here's my option, you're right. Can I finish? Yeah, please. What I was saying, please. As soon as I go into it,

don't talk people over people today, all right? I won't. No, you know, you're just projecting what Eliza said. No, I am. But anytime she says anything, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, just go ahead. So I gotta break through. Come on, speed it up.

I wanna start the show. This one happens when you put pressure on me. If the last time I had to sit on my hand. Why don't we talk about it on the show? No, because it's gonna be boring. Nobody cares, okay? I do. So then, listen, I shfckin' freaked out to get here I show I get here 226 I show

open the door I'm freaking I'm sweating cuz I ran from the subway to get here sweating paid for taxi to get to the subway then I get here scupper's like oh yeah dude we're on until three oh I was gonna start early today we're gonna start when you got here like five minutes after we're gonna start early you came up with that no no I told scupper we're doing a pre a there she is all right listen. Here's a deal. Let's talk about this later on the show Right now we're gonna start with your dad and I'm I'm saying she give me more leeway cuz I'm a dad I'm a dad I'm here on time, but my girlfriend broke up with me

So she should break up with you. You're a fucking savage all right listen That was a little pre-show thing. We had a great show for you today We're gonna talk about my weekend in LA. We have a very special guest. We got some of the regulars on. It's gonna be very funny, so stay tuned for the live event coming in around two minutes. Well done, well done.

To the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. That was trying to keep it like a comic-can I have a bunch of guys on it It's just us sitting down And sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's intense It's Robert Kelly's You know what? You know what?

You know what? There's no topics, no directions But I love doing it You know what? You know what? I love doing it You know what? You know what?

You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? John! John! Brian! Brian! What's up? Everybody? All right, we got a bunch of fun. Okay. We alive.

YKWD on a beautiful fall-' Tuesday afternoon in New York City, the West Village Comedy Cellar upstairs at the Rycast Studios. We have a crazy show today. We did a little something different before the show. We did a little pre-show of what the show is going to be. I'm just trying to see if that works. I'm probably gonna get a bunch of fucking tweets And my feelings will get hurt and I'll just cut it out because you know, I believe fucking eight people They're just fucking do the regular show you fucking fat cunt. We like the regular ones

But anyways, so scope out We got a great show today. What are you doing? Are you tweeting? I'm tweeting on Facebook and watching it you do this to show and then tweet tell everybody what's going on today? Who's here? Hey, all right guys to my right. We got the truth. Oh show. Joe list everybody back but popular demand Three is not popular well, that's actually unpopular. I get all the tweets. You had like two you get I wanted you that is one of the fans though You know you're smart and then we got the real-ass dude Louis J. Gomez What a ridiculous

Puerto Rattles sake how is term MMA radio? Joan Jett of comedy I don't get that the great one Bennington dubbed me the Joan Jett of comedy I'm not gonna deny his I'm gonna deny it or look into it. No, okay. I didn't question him once. I said, yes sir, whatever you say. Didn't Joan Jett have a hit?

She had a lot of hits, dude. Yeah. Yeah. She was a fucking, she had a, she was in two different bands that were fucking there. Yeah. She had an agent. The runaways.

The runaways and then the black card. Yeah. Right, the black card, right? Black card. And she actually smoked, you'd love her cuz she's fucking a huge pot head Say that's maybe that's why you didn't have the Jones at a comedy She did an episode of the show that she is she comes out of her trailer with a bone a huge knot Just fucking she's probably getting coffee probably I didn't smoked weed since the 60s every time he says a phrase to do with Not I never even heard of I thought it was like an East Coast thing.

I was like, yeah, totally a knot. He was blown. He was cool. He was just blending with the guys. Trying to assimilate. Oh, no. I was just taking in the data. And I'm not gonna use it later to impress you.

To be fair, Bali was talking about a garlic knot. There he is. There he is. Fucking Mark Norman. He's backed by popular to know. He tweeted one hymn on the show. He's not gonna nickname, by the way. Yeah, you can have one.

Sharad's punching bag. We had a patty. Oh, that's shuck. We did. It was a choking to be fair. We're gonna talk about that. Can we talk about that today? Probably not, but we're done.

Okay. Okay. Okay. And then we have a final guest coming out with our special Friday night. Yes. Oh, I was a slushinger on Netflix at 3pm, I should say. Friday afternoon. Oh, I know the time.

Cool. All right. We'll find that shit out for you. We make sure that we, if we're gonna promote something, we do it right here. I got all the info on the YKW, dude. Last time we did a show together was the Barry Katz nestin. I didn't know if you would remember it.

Yeah. That nestin' I got a sweet, fleas blanket. Oh, what? Did you get a blanket? I didn't get a blanket. I got a blankie. Fuck I am the swag killer. They thought you were hot enough Hang on can't have the bomb. Yeah, that's just to explain to you that joke didn't quite make sense Yeah, he's fat. This is called the bomb bandanna and when you do you stay? Not called the bomb bandanna. It's called the bomb. Dana. Yeah and yeah what about that I say it that we just because I like to get him he did but uh uh uh uh uh uh uh the only time

we've ever met yeah was uh it was like seven years ago yeah it was a new England comedy showcase you know well you know nesson I know nesson I never got asked to do the show but I watched the network all the time yeah there was only two seasons no there was there was only one. And that is very. Two seasons. Barry Katz did it, right? And here's the thing. I don't know. I think everybody in the show, except for DiPolo, it was like a sports theme.

But nobody had sports jokes. So we just said, I love baseball. Yeah, I took my chick to a baseball game one time. Yeah, my girl's an asshole and just go with it. It was you or Nick, and I was brand new to comedy. So I think I had written like some football juke. I don't remember what I did. I definitely don't support some material.

Well, you or Nick, just said Faggot a lot. That was Nick. Oh my God, I've never laughed harder. He just, it was like such a wholesome show. And he just went full on East Coast, Beast Coast mode. And it was hilarious. You get to phrase, that's his getter done.

Ah, yeah. And he says it's so fucking right. Yeah, it comes out like a little beanie. Like Joe Pesci. It comes out like, yeah. Ting. Like a sneaking fart. Yeah.

That was my memory. Sure. Yeah, that was a fucked up show. Barry, I go to Barry, I go, buddy, I have no sports jokes Bonnie just sang away from a sports thought into a general gets on and I was a standup I know and I actually saw that on TV and you know, right? Yeah, calm. It's on it's on it's on YouTube and Hate when these fucking clubs will go and just YouTube your name and whatever first

There's a clip of me in Denmark from 15 years ago. And that's the clip with hair. And that's the one they use on their website to promote, okay, come out this weekend, this guy doing a mediocre fucking eight. What, first of all, somebody burped. That was probably collective, thanks.

Chipotle. Cool. So both of you had Chipotle, so both of you were. We just came together. Yeah, nice. And we also had Chipotle. We had Chipotle, yeah. Where I thought both of you had Chipotle's we just came together Nice Yeah, where's the bomb? Uh, you smell but it's I have the nose of a bloodhound and he burped and didn't bother to you know blow it in a dudes direction So that's cool. I'm just asking I don't think you'd notice

Most pungent Mexican Mark will do that out of the who's gonna bang a lies on the show game boom is that a Is that I'm already fuck listen to the police listen to me listen first of all None of you have enough credits to Good first of all to sing on you isn't it? Fuck people with credits no one's fuck me. Oh, alright. Well. Can we stop with the fucking? What just a mystery? me. Oh, well, can we stop with the fucking why just that Mr. Torre I didn't start the fucking a new person on the show a beautiful fucking you burped on me. I didn't burn a gang bang and you just clarifying the joke. It's

wrong with you. Shuttle down. Why I expect more out of you Norman. I wasn't joking. I never expect no from him. I don't really. I didn't know. To your point clubs will grab anything. Yes. It's usually some like 15 year old intern and they just grab any picture. Here's the thing that they grab of me is I have sexy bobby photos from, you know, back in the day where I really look great and then I have now photos

and they never use the now photos. I've actually been standing in front of my photo at the club and like hot chicks going, when is he coming? Like, and I'm there. I'm like, just next to it. Wait, can I have, I hosted a terrible dating show for a very long time and I had hair extensions.

And of course in your head shot, your Photoshop and retouch. So blonde hair, like you can put blonde hair on a pack meal and a dude will want to fuck that. Like it doesn't matter as long as it's long. And those are the head shots they use. And this is what I look like in real life. Like a little bit like a lesbian with want to fuck that. Like it doesn't matter as long as it's long. And those are the head shots they use. And this is what I look like in real life. Like a little bit like a lesbian with very short baby hair.

And I've had men just be like, when's the hot girl showing up? And you're like, that's cool. Just stand here and get pretty hot. Yeah, not the picture does it better. That's your hot body figure. You're speaking of, you're, you're the name of your special.

Freezing hot. All right. But it's not a reference to it. What is it? What is it a reference But it's not a reference to it. What is it? What is it? It's a reference to the thought process in women's brains how we can never quite make up our mind about what we're thinking. Well you have the other one from last was it last year or the two years ago?

Last year? Well you were topless. Yeah. Let me tell you something about that. Let me tell you something about that. Okay. That's that that I actually stopped in my fucking tracks. That's why we did it. And I know you when I went, I literally went,

who's that? Right. I was like, what the, have you seen that? Yeah. I haven't seen it. You bring it up deep though. I have it on my phone wallpapers. Yeah.

What the fuck was that, that's crazy. I did it literally for one reason. And it was for that reaction. Yeah. If you're a dude and you've never heard of me and you're scrolling through specials on your iPad, on a plane, who were you gonna click on a dude holding a microphone or a girl that's naked?

You're gonna click on the naked girl, be mildly disappointed. Maloo, at first, this would actually click on the guy with the microphone. I pretend it was a cock. If it was a naked dude, then that would be what I was saying. And it was, what's his Dave's side? What's his Jeff's side?

Who's Jeff's side? His guy he checks off, dude side his guy checks off to his workout program right now just fucking shredded He literally is it like a DVD? No, I got Jeff side shredded club on YouTube And Lewis is defense the guy is gorgeous. Let me see up the guys. Let me see her first Let me see her. He's got napar getsy hair which sucks, but okay. Yeah, I mean Bigger hair so funny that photo. That's a fucking redict Did you see it you saw for three days? It's it's you know, I want to see now. I didn't see it hold on I cut weight It's my it's ridiculous. Thank you. You look great in that. Thank you. All right. I can't even look at it It was just market it was straight and then so the next the other album cover is nothing like that

That's hilarious. It's more than once right yeah. We skipped the joke and just went for the shock. I actually got naked from my first album cover and they made me hold, I was gonna be naked and just socks and put my hand over my junks and they made me hold a bassine over my stomach. Really? The stomach was the offensive part. They were just like, maybe you should,

I remember the guy went, the photographer went, he pretended like he had a thought Anyway, try try this How about this and then I held it up over me and and the guy was can we could write the thing? That's what it is that's not online just the tip on the back. It's me holding up a sign a white board over my fucking gut But you're dick hanging out. No, no, my dick could never have My dick doesn't have dick points. My dick doesn't have, dick points. My dick doesn't even point anymore. Fucking cowers.

He peeks out. My dick actually hit like hybronates. It's terrible. That's why I'm hoping I lose weight. My dick will come back. It does, by the way, it does come back. What do you mean? You get more dick as your gut meat gets pushed back.

I'm a thrum. Can you not call it gut meat? What is it? I don't know, but I still have it. I don't want to look down and think gun meat. Well, that's what you got, Bobby. So deal with it. You got a lot of gun meat.

Gun is gun and what? Gun and gun, but it's a guy. It looks more like a pussy. You know what, my date is an imploded man. Leave this one. He's absolutely right. I'm going to the Jeff side. Jeff side.

I really, oh my god. Look at him First of all, oh he is hot. Let me see His comedy special coming out Face looks photos. I believe that it's him But his face is like Matt and the rest is greasy. I feel like it doesn't match Nate he's too jacked them Nate is a little bit sad. They said they. It looks like Nate. He's too jacked, though. Nate is a little bit jazzy. He's his head. Nate's head. It looks like Theo Vaughn.

Let me see. Toss it over here. Like a shredded Theo Vaughn. Why does Colin Kane look at that? Oh, yeah. Is he? He's a very good looking man. But Colin Kane has no credit, you liar.

I'm not gonna fuck Colin Kane. I just said he was good looking. He is gorgeous. That's how rapist thing. I'm gonna fuck him up. Just said he was good looking. Come on, face. No, I just thought he was.

You're fucking very close. If you're calling Lewis or Rapist, I I'm gonna fuck him. You just said he was good looking. Oh, come on, her face. No, I just think- You're fucking very close. If you're calling Lewis a rapist. I've never raped. You rape the show every week. You throw that all word around a lot, and I'm trying to have a career one day. Wait, retard. Joan Jeb was a rapist.

Jesus, no she wasn't. Allegedly. I can't get the guys's abs out of my head. The ridiculous fucking one. Crazy V. This is how I know I might be a little gay because when I watch him work out, it might be a little gay. You literally moves. Dude, you're 27% gay. Absolutely. If that's the exact number I would pick dude you're fucking gay You have blown so much shit in front of us dude you've sucked so and you I This is a joke dude you don't how do you joke knowing how to suck dick? I've never seen you suck dick the way I like my porno's like a girl the suck a dick in a porno

Because I've learned one hour, Joe, thank you. No problem, buddy. That's not true. You cannot just suck a dick, like the way you suck a dick from just watching. It's not true. There's no girls in the porn. My hemorrhage is really acting up right now.

So, I'm the dick of the, what are you talking about? I have a hemorrhage right now and it's really, why do you have hemorrhage? You gotta get it dirty. You gotta get it dirty. You gotta get it dirty. Jeff's reddit club. bidet Jeff's really what Jeff's side shredded club I'm lifting a lot of weight right now with your asshole yeah what why are you getting a

hemorrhage from working out because when you push what exactly you push exactly and if you don't breathe the right way yeah and when I when I first started working out my hemorrhage originally pop because I wasn't breathing at all why do you say like your friends like you've been living together what is it my hemorrhage originally pop because I wasn't breathing at all. Why do you say like your friends, like you've been living together? What is my hemorrhage? What is, do you guys have lunch? What the fuck is that mean? How long have you had this?

That's my pilot. That's my pilot. Me and my hemorrhage. My hemorrhage. What is this mean? How long have you had this? A few years. Everyone has hemorrhage, Bob.

Okay, stop. I don't have hemorrhage. I just don't burst out. I don't have hemorrhage. Thank you, Joe. Hemorrhage, they're just, they're idle. Okay, I have hemorrhage. Bob. Okay, stop. I don't have to lose. I just don't burst out. I don't have hemorrhoids. Thank you, Joe. We have hemorrhoids. They're just their idol. Like my herpes.

It just sits there until you really squeeze it out and then it blows up. Like this. Okay. So now we got nicknames, hemorrhoid herpy. I don't know. I don't know. You guys have a fucking herpy hench egg.

Really makes me cry now. Joe, can we write a cartoon featuring my hemorrhoid in your herpy and I'll do the voice of my hemorrhoid and you do the- I'll do the voice of my hammering. You do the- I'll do all the writing. You know what he'll do? He'll shout a box in the earhead.

I- You talk to Dan, he told you. He told you. Listen, just shut your mouth. That is my writing process. I shout a box a lot, so. So you- Not enough.

I- I- Listen, stop. I want to know about- First of all, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, well, so so will it hang again? It will I don't know working out what's it hang no amount of working but it can appear what if you attach it to a dumbbell What I mean I want rip it out of its hole. I remember my dick used to hang and I used to like that I used to like what I be I know my dick was on one side of the other I used to like that and I'm not even being discussing I used to like the feeling of knowing my dick was there.

Like it was hanging. What? I remember when you're dick hung. I'm serious. And I just wanted to hang. I don't want it to be like, I don't have a hangy dick or hangy balls. So I've never experienced that.

What do you mean you don't have hangy balls? Yeah, what does it do? You got a bang. No, my balls are ready. You have them around your neck. What do you mean they don't hang? Like a scarf. Lewis has got an in it. What does they hang? No, they don are ready. You're gonna have them around your neck, where you mean they don't hang, like a scarf. Lewis has got an in it.

What's they hang? No, they don't. They minor sucked very close to my body at all. Tony, when you nervous, you gotta relax more. Is that how wolves show fear? I was raised by wolves. I could tell. Well, for the recon.

Lewis has training nuts. You gotta relax more, buddy. I just want to have very big balls. Yeah, this summer in the hot tub. Yeah, I don't, I do not. After you, let me ask you this, just because this is, this kind of podcast, after you get off. What does that mean?

That's my feelings, kind of podcast. We are very, I don't typically talk about Dix. I would say cereal kind of copied our style. Oh, PS, that is a horrible podcast. I thought it was okay. I am, everybody in LA like lost their shit, like I a horrible podcast. I thought was okay. I am everybody in LA Like lost their shit like I listen to serial I just then out and I listen to it I don't like things where I can't multitask. I feel like there's a really great

The end I hate that who has aside from sitting on a runway like who has an hour to just be idle I agree I don't listen to this show for about a half hour at a time X-Nay though because that's a adnance cousin over there Sorry that your cousin. I don't know has a shitty podcast. He did it. Serial. Serial. Serial. Serial. It's the most popular podcast ever. Yeah. It is. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it. Serial. Serial. It's a deal. It's a deal. I don't like it. Stop yelling at me. Bobby's just thinking captain crunch. Yeah. Dude, that's serial. Let's introduce our last guest.

Sharad, come on in. What'd you say? I'm not. I think everybody loves that podcast and I just think it's just hard to listen to. I've never heard of it. What it is, it was basically a... It's based on this American life. It's like that.

It was basically a murder that happened 15 years ago and then this like Investigator's mother Investigative journalist basically breaks down, but she interviews people that are involved in the case It was basically, she's trying to claim that he was falsely accused so she interviews him from jail Okay, people surrounded in the case It's a narrative. Yeah, it's a whole story like looking back and she tells the story But no, it's not just looking back because it's still kind of happening. He's still going through She only got through the first I don't watch the

I'm bored. I'm bored. Thank you. I know a guy who like took a bath and listened to it I was like, do you shit to do? What the fuck is that? I do what's a bath? So anyways you move on from the dick. You're a hammer right. What? Yes, let's move on. I just need to know about this.

What about you? It's coming out. Does your trainer, because you started with the trainer, yeah. Does your trainer make sure you breathe when you're pushing? I do, because I'm a human being. And I make sure I'm- Maybe you need a lemosco, not a trainer. Yeah, maybe you need a new dad.

You want in three notes, out three months. Yeah, I fucking breathe. I'm not an asshole. No, but you do forget to breathe if it's a lot of ways. You do forget to breathe. You hold your breath. The sign of Bobby's never worked out. But you know, I've been in shape a bunch of times that you know me. That's round.

That's not you've know I've been in shape. Stop, stop just fucking doing the fact. I'm trying to show off in front of Eliza. I'm just trying to, yeah, I'm showing off look at me You're in shape right now put this crew together. That's where I'm showing off That was almost in shape that that was coming from when I was in shape nobody would ever describe that as almost in shape Look like that. I'm Arlene Brando. That was coming off a shape If somebody said that guy had a heart attack right after that picture of a thing it would make sense only cuz of the cigarette I think you

look great sexy bobby up please I'm in fucking shit did Rachel fine-sided a huge crush on you yeah I know thank God that I didn't fucking I'm gonna wait for a trick on that if you would have sat on her you would have had a huge crush on her all right it even makes sense shut up they don't have to make sense do you use home they do have to make sense do you Do have to make sense he's hard towel. He usually has that the whole shabong. Dana bomb Dana I think I say whatever you want I First of all I was fucking shredded and scope was gonna bring up a picture of one and Is it right? Oh, shut the fuck up. I have I have actually photos. I'll bring in from when I was in a rubah shirtless. I got questions. Do it type in

We were type in sexy Bobby Kelly. I did that right now. Don't do that. I type in sexy Bobby Kelly and Sam Robert showed up right? Robert Kelly 90s. Yeah, you're the only guy who's before photo is better You know usually it's the other way. Usually it's the after photo. Oh, when you had like a goatee. Yeah. Apparently there's a girl named Bobby Kelly. Yeah, there is. That's actually Bobby Kelly and then Kelly Ripa comes up

and then some black chick. Uh-huh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cause I said chick. Yeah, Bob, I'm not gonna lie. It's tough to find. All right, you know what, fuck all you. I'll bring in photos when I was in a Rubo.

I just never said I've known her for a dozen years and I've never seen you. Do you want me to get the photo from the comedy seller? Downstairs? Yeah. Turn it off the wall. Absolutely. Fucking downstairs. That photo? I thought there was John L. like Wasamo.

You don't think I'm fuck, fuck you. You don't think I'm smoking in that photo? You're out of your mind. I have to see this. I only know this. It's downstairs comedy seller. I have so many flights. I'm smoking in that photo. You're out of your mind. I have to see this I only know it downstairs comedy So I have so many flights. I'm not going right now. It's so fucking it's so I'm so I'm just two of them too There's two hot bobbies down there There's original hot bobby when I first came to New York and then when I progressed into like New York sexy Bobby with the go-t The and the hair were you wearing the blanket?

I was wearing a fucking dirty leather back in the day when those fucking Hey, this is the best sexy photo I can get a year in a can you can have a little more enthusiasm? I mean look at the photo Let me see that's Jamie Kielstein Fuck off. All he is I get it. I think that's Kielstein seriously. I'll be back and then we'll see We'll see no, that's pretty good. That's in shape Bobby. Let me see that's the best I've ever seen you know No, that's that's just one of them What is this Dante Nero? Stop it. I'm not that big She

Well, I'm not your type She's looked at she actually handed it to me without even looking you wearing layers I prove it I look like a burn victim and you're in the, you can't. I'm fucking, I'll prove it. I'm gonna find a proof. You look like a burn victim and you're just covering up the whole body. I was too wordy, but I appreciate the effort. It's fine.

I'm sorry. Take that. Fuck all of you. I was good looking. You're not out of shape. It's not in either. I don't know. It's not bad.

You never dated a fat guy. No, look at her. Not you. No, no, no, no. fat guy. No, look at her. Not you. Come on, nothing. Bruce Bruce. Earthquake. Are you married now? I'm not married.

You have a boyfriend now? He's wandering around somewhere outside. What is he? What does your boyfriend do? He is a gorgeous, by the way. Is he a good looking? Yeah, really a good looking. He edits a show.

Oh, that's cool. What's your show? It's called Ghost Adventures on the travel channel. I know with that show. He's the editor. He's the only editor. Zach. Yeah. I love them.

That's what the best show because they actually, I'll tell you why. All the other ones, they go in. They're real ghosts on the show. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and they get tied it around three and they're like, oh, I guess we should wrap it up and they fucking leave. These guys, and they have a camera crew. So you guys know, you know somebody's there with them. So there's a sound guy, there's a fucking, the DP, there's a bunch of people.

These guys, it's just three of them. They three of them go in and fucking stay in by themselves all night long. And there's, they're the camera crew, they're the sound guys. There's no team of people in with them. It's just these three guys going to some, and the one that was only time they ever fucking caught something was at, it was a-

We caught a ghost. Well, they actually caught one of those Ectotrapes. They're like, they saw you step on it. A brick, they have it on video, which is fucking a brick just flew across the room. Oh. And it was just, now for them to do this,

they would have to have set this up and have a string and somebody pull it because they were all three of them were there and it's on the night vision shit. They can have someone in a corner, though, just throwing a brick. Yeah, they'd have to, it would totally be a fucking scam, but they get locked in.

So the, the owner of the place would lock them in at night. And they can't have someone in there. They can't, it's just them three. But I think it puts them in there. Of course. I watched a movie, Selma, I think it was Ghosts all over that set. Out of bricks getting hurled. Wow, fuck, I wish one came through the window right now.

I would jump in, but I've actually never watched the show. Never watched the show. Is that why she hates her boyfriend? It's like, yeah, honey, whatever you want to do. Hey, it's not, I don't. You don't watch it, boyfriend. It's fucking show. It's not the star of it.

Well, he is, he's the editor. He's the editor. I got you to edit. He's a beautiful editor. And he's made other art. You don't watch it, his show wants just to be like, that's great show. I caught glimpses of it when passing through.

I know the show. Are you friends with Zach? I've glimpses of it when passing through I know the Jack I've never met him. You've never met Zach. We've all been dating a couple months. I watch the show I don't want to show but I mean I know it would you meet this guy? At a thing we went to the same college, but not at the same time And so he's a little bit older so really how much how much like 40 you want to I'll tell you what we made out in a closet and big Bear when I was like 22 and he was like Three years old 25 and then I know he was the kind of guy that would fuck your girlfriend Like he's the guy that like oh

It was with this guy and he was that guy Oh, you can see him later and then I didn't see him for like eight and that was it I was like and whatever didn't seem for eight years and then we ran into each other a couple months ago I was leaving a podcast and he's like and I was like I don't know if I like you and then he just kept calling me and I was like, okay And he's very charming. Fantastic hair. Yeah, great head hair. I was headed to that story It's a he I said it wasn't a great story. Jesus Christ. I said it was and she did Preferably you asked you asking me a terrible question about my life I was just editing we made out this guy's great

Boom made out didn't teach other for eight years. That's a pretty funny. That's a pretty funny. Yeah, make out with the appraised version. Imagine making out with a chick. You don't think you're a fucking chick. Praise for that to happen. We broke up.

Did you really? Oh, yeah. Wait, they break up every other week. No, no. It's real. I know. Guys, stop. She calls you?

Yeah, of course. She's cheating with scope Oh, we all are here. You can we talk about that now that you're broken up that scope on her fuck around I can't believe be finally watch your act Boy be really doesn't like credits What the fuck do you kidding me? I mean technically it we're broken up. Are you living together still? Yeah, but we have an upstairs downstairs now. So. It's a great place.

I went there yesterday. Can you go if you went out with another girl, would she be okay with it? No. So she just doesn't know. But I'm going on a cruise and I'm gonna slam some puts. I'm kidding, babe. I'm totally kidding.

I'm not erasing that. Do not calm them. You kind of erase anything. I'm gonna realize that I'm not afraid of a beatress. Her name's Beatress. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. 100% she's Latin, right? No. She's white and she's gorgeous. Beatrice

100% she's Latin right? And she's white You have to bake with a name like yeah, she's got a shitty grandma name. Yeah, she's smoking. I mean she has shitty fucking like Taste and I don't like how many how many people have got that one Me and Jay more Joe. All right, well, Chris and I are gonna be roommates. Yeah, I'm gonna have a lot Same joke. All right, so anyway, you got your new album coming out. What's the name of it again? It's called freezing hot freezing hot and is it with Netflix? It is with it is a Netflix original original Which is great which is great. I'm very excited

Well, yeah Netflix original, which is great. Which is great. I'm very excited. Well, yeah, Netflix is, they finally started doing it like Epic's and in New Wave and Comedy Central. They actually started doing their own original shows and comedy specials. Yeah, they, we actually, they came to me,

the first one I did with New Wave, and then Netflix acquired it. So, if anybody that's interested in how comedy is made, people like Comedy Central kind of choir things, show time kind of choir it from someone that makes it. And then for this one, Netflix hired, they just hired me directly, and then I hired Netflix. I hired New Wave, so they produced it,

but Netflix, it's a Netflix original. Okay. So they didn't acquire it, they produced it originally. It was like poetry, right? But if you wanna know anything about the business that you potentially could be in. They hired it. They hired it.

I love it. I'm just saying, look at love it. First of all, how are you? You be in. They hired me. I love it. You're just saying, we love it. First of all, are you? You better get shirtless, buddy. Take that shirt off. You're sacks going way up in your belly right now. I die, I die. I mean, that's it.

So it comes out on Friday. And I did a tonight show last night to promote it. And that's it. You did the tonight show last night? I did. How awesome is he? He's phenomenal. Isn't he the guy we finally

we've been waiting for? The like the Carson, you know, Carson was so awesome interviewing people. I think Fallon's show is just fun. He's genuinely excited. It's just fun. It's just fun, nothing like the show. No, I don't know what to do.

He's not a good interviewer. You know, I think he's great because he's gonna play in the games. Because he's great at awesome games. He's awesome, yeah. I think he's genuinely,'t know what he's not a good interviewer. You don't, I think he's great because you're gonna play in the games. Because he's great at all. The games are awesome. Yeah, I think he's genuinely, you know what? I think a lot of times in show business and in comedy people act like they're above whoever they're interviewing.

It's like, it's like, okay, and what else you got coming out? And he's whether he's feigning it because the guest isn't great or I think he's genuinely excited. He's happier there. You're not gonna be there if he's not a fan. Yeah, he gives people chances and I can respect that and he's not a fan. And he gives people chances. And I can respect that. And he's not over it. He is such a fucking great guy. And I watch the show and I wind up catching myself smiling, which I, you very rarely do

anymore. I did that with Carson. I used to, you ever just, you just sit in there smiling like having, you know what I mean? You could fucking see when the commercials come on for the video tapes. I have the box. I know what you mean. You could fucking see when the commercials come on for the video tapes. I have the box. I know what I mean. Thank you. Talking to the microphone.

I don't want to get anything in that. I would love to give you voice on this fucking party. Look, it's low. Where is he? I was gonna say that earlier. You're low. You also have to eat the mic. Maybe I should I go to orange?

No, you have to buy the mic. I got Jack. Wow, sorry. I'm too many me out. So I think he's fucking great. I would love to be on the show. We had a, he should, even the beer is really great. I know, you did a show with him, you're his beer.

I can make a couple calls. Can you get him on the show? That's funny, cool. Corsica. No, no. We were talking about doing something for the, because I just shot my hour, it was on Comedy Central,

and it's going in Netflix, I think in six months or eight months or something like that. But we were thinking of doing something like that, but they were like, fuck, I will wait for the show to come out and I was talking to Abby, she's like, well, you know what we should do, is we should get a tape together. And I go, honey, I just did a show.

Literally, he was standing there watching me annihilate in front of 13,000 people at the Boston Garden. I don't need to really, if that's not enough for him to say, yeah, then fucking, I'm all right. Yeah, but he said, yeah, or if people say, yeah, he can say, yeah, he can say, yeah, but if he's like, yeah, absolutely, I just saw him fucking annihilate. I just need five more. What's that? Five more minutes. That's all I need. Oh, what? I'm saying he said, you need more than five, you need like 20.

I need something. That's how Craig Ferguson does. Oh, it's up to my set. I remember I never, never moved on. Yeah, well, I would love to, but my fucking brain stopped. That's how fucking shitty you are. Bobby, did you, you're, you're special, did you search on Twitter for not your hashtag,

but just your name? Yeah, I did. I did also. What does that mean? Because you can, some people write about you without hashtagging you. I would without, I would. What does that mean? Because you can some people write about you without hashtagging you. I would have out added. I would never do that.

I know, that's why I did it for you. I don't want to know it. All wonderful. All wonderful. Not one negative. I hashtag Instagram for it. But in hashtag, you just put quotes, Robert Kelly. Right.

So you can see every tweet that has Robert Kelly next to each other. I knew you wouldn't, so I did it for you. Not one negative thing. All positive. I loved it. I was very surprised when my special came out. I think it was two weeks ago on Friday and Comedy Central. And I was not, I didn't want to watch it.

And I was very scared. Me either. But I was very nervous. Thank you, by the way, for you guys all tweeting about it and helping me spread the word. You guys are awesome. But I was fucking nervous, but it was, it was a, finally like a response like that you kind of want on Twitter.

I know you're gonna get a couple fucking douchebags, but not that many. People were writing, they were tagging, or at their friends, I'm watching this guy, Robert Kelly, you should watch it, you love it all the time. No one negative thing. You can watch it grow and you can watch your numbers grow. It's like it's own little science project. I can't, I can't fucking do it. Because I get a...

I get a... I did that with the podcast when I first got it on your jitterbug. I want to jitterbug. When I first got the podcast up I would look at the numbers you know where we were. We were in the top 10. We're in the top 20 on iTunes and I can't let too. I watched it go up and down so much. I was like this is fucking crazy. Your podcast I'm not a huge podcast listener as we saw how iTunes and I kept it too. I watched it go up and down so much. I was like this is fucking crazy Your podcast I'm not a huge podcast listener as we saw how much I love cereal But your podcast and I'm not this has nothing to do with me trying to sound cool They gave us a list when we came in to do press and they gave me a list of all the New York podcasts and yours was right at the top

And I was like that's the only one I'd heard of oh good only one that I knew that. Well good, a comic like that. A comic like that. Good, yeah. This is all, this is a comic hang. I know that clearly, I know people always like, what the fuck, but it's just like sitting in the comic. But it's like an East Coast, I think it's very refreshing.

It's like, that's not like Jane Goodall and you guys are fucking gorillas. But I think it's very refreshing and there's like a certain peppermint to East Coast comics that if you aren't privy to it in the first place, you're like, these guys are so mean, but I think it's so lovely. It really, I tell ya, it is.

I remember when I first moved to LA, I didn't know how to turn it down. Right. And I would go out there. And people think you're mean, and that's not the case. Yeah, I would fucking say horrendous shit to people joking around. And they would just, their eyes, their eyebrows would like fucking swear a lot. Yeah, I was fucking, man. I was like like I'm a one guy said to me one night But this is why it fucking aggravate you because here you go up to you know, dude

What the fuck you doing? That's what's isn't it? You're being a fall that joke sock dark, right? Dude, you know nice pants so we we're just always trying to be funny with each other and trying to make each other laugh Which is fucking sometimes a lot of time hanginess. That's what, speaking of what you did, with Sharad, you know, Mark, you're one of those guys who you're constantly whipping out fucking zingers. And sometimes people don't, like, what the fuck did you just say?

Oh yeah. And you did one of those on stage one night. What is it, what did you do? He did, he said, he said I feel like you're trying to get him to tell the story I'll tell you the story and you tell me if I'm wrong please he was on he got he was on stage one night and some a comic one on before him Sharad and he said some sure your on video so well for a camera shoot, so. Can't wait to show him. So are you telling, just tell. Just give the quick version.

I just wanted to die down. It's been such a whirlwind. He's a big guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a white guy. A lot of guy. He's a white guy. Asian fella.

So he was going super long, and I had like a long night, and I had a couple drinks. Drinks in me was half in the bag. Yeah, and so I went up and I I got the light and I go Oh, I got the light so according to him I'll do another 45 and then he yelled something and I yelled something back And then I said some word you know that you while you were on stage. Yeah, absolutely not Acceptable. Well that I didn't mind that I think fun because I was shooting on him Yeah, and it's also a thing like everyone's kind of friends and in New York especially like that happens a lot of somebody's on stage or somebody's hosting like you'll go back and forth through comics in the room. Yeah, if it's friendly fire, but I do it all the time. Yeah, Keith

he always brings me up. He just he literally this guy give it up Eddie Murphy and then they'll go right. I'm getting a kid. I'm like, I'll come in. I go you a fucking asshole. Right and then they'll go I'll come in I go you a fucking asshole right then we'll go back and forth But it's okay with that but God so that I we were going back and forth and I started kind of cutting in No, I mean it was killing and that's what I think did it it was getting big laughs and Godfrey was like on the floor Not laughing at me, but like you're gonna die He's like that's funny funny and uh... so i i didn't think anything of it you know we're all ball busty we're all

comic or jokers whatever the fuck and so that's a pop up but yeah and so i uh... scoffy one of me i got off and we shook hands and then he fucking swung me into the wall and serious yeah it's crazy that's it's ridiculous because you fought he technically fired the first shot by being rude and not respecting the other comics time and running along. Well, you don't know this guy at all. I don't care.

Well, first of all, black comics do that a lot. He's black. You see, here's the thing, I think he was trying to dance with Mark. Just his basic instances of black guy to dance. Dance. Yeah, dance. Yeah, and you took it. It's more racist than me saying he ran like this. Well, and defensive, guy to dance. Dance. Yeah, dance. Yeah, and you took it. It's more racist than me saying he rents.

Well, okay. And defensive, and defensive him. Okay. Okay. He goes over, he goes along, you come up after and go, dude, what the fuck man? You know, you really made me late. You blah, blah, blah.

And he could just say, go fuck yourself, and then you know where he's at. Or he goes, I'm sorry, dude. I just had a little too much of drink, and I fucked up. You know, because I've done that too. But once you go at it, once you start zinging people and you're, look man, you're good at it and you're vicious. It, when you,

cheese, I was holding back. Well, no, but you, but you're good at it. You say some fucking holy shit stuff that, that if not friends with you because we don't know you, it comes across as a fuck you, right? A fuck and it, when you get, when you get, when you get, when you get,

I feel like running the light as a fuck you. I don't, that's what I just said. Nobody agreed with me. That's the first shot fuck you. But once you add the crowd into it, once you go, once you get everybody, I just went up and killed. Now you got a room full of people against me. Right, right, right, with some shit

that you could have come up to me as a man and said, look, or as a woman, you could have come up and said, yo bro, you ran the fucking light and you, and you could have given the opportunity to go, I fucked up dude, I'm a little drunk or, I ran, or I won't do it again, I'll go fuck you. And then you know where you're at.

But you were on stage and you made the, I don't think you were wrong. Well, I'm sorry, and I know you're, I'm not wanting to participate. I have no defending you. I just wanted to blow over, but I, you know, that's he fucked up. Then I fucked up. So I thought we were even. It's like he can't reach out. Yeah, that shit happens. And he's from look man. He's not from

England. He's not from where you said it five times. Right. He's best. I'm from Brooklyn. So look at man. Some guys look at you, guys like you will fucking say really quick, what did mean shit and guys like him will punch in the face. Sure, yeah. I think as a comic, I think the mark of a true comic is understanding ball busting and understanding that nothing for the most part, comics are insecure, but in a podcast, for example,

no one's gonna actually say something horrible to you. Like you wouldn't invite someone Erid Lewis Gomez, but it's like this is a joke. I made a joke about his mother getting murdered earlier Yeah, it's father's dead, but if you really he would this guy could kill you if he wanted to who Lewis yeah You don't think that because you don't know me. I'm just looking at your body Right now please don't please don't but I'm just saying right now. Please don't. Please don't. But I'm just saying, there's nothing worse than a sense of your body. That's all.

He could actually take little bites out of a gull. You could probably take his son. I might take his son. I'm a better dad. Taken for. I think though, there are comics that, you know look you shouldn't lay hands on somebody I sure he shouldn't a time You shouldn't you shouldn't the hand but shrouds it strong guy too crazy Yeah, he's he's deceptively strong because he's such a jolly guy I thought when he's drunk and you'll fuck around

Yeah, you'll you'll fuck grab each other's arms. Yeah, he picked me up one time. Yeah, I was like dude What the fuck he's a a Deceptive. He's cute. Can I talk? I've seen him knock a mother fucker out. Where? What was that? Right in front of the cellar? Dan Aderman. No. Yeah, Sharoud's a big Sure. Please get up me. Sharoud will definitely take somebody out. Oh, yeah, but I don't think I can guy like you again It should have been like dude. Why don't you shut the fuck up?, you know. Which by the way, I don't have a problem with, I think there's room in the world for comics

to not be pussy as well. I think comics do have reputations as being pussy's and that's why you have audience members that are so willing to disrespect comedians during shows. So I like the fact that there's guys like me or Shradd or Dante who's like literally willing to tell. The fuck am I, you know. Ben Bailey, Gary Goldman.

Yeah, the fuck. Yeah dude, if it only is forever. What the fuck am I? Yeah, I'm, I'm dumb to drink on a grown man. Like you see red and you just go, I don't think it's about a reputation of being a pussy. I think alcohol interacts with people's brain chemicals and they think that they're part of the show. But I think when it's comics with each other,

there should be an understanding like, that this is, we're just gonna chop it up back and forth and if you can't handle it then get the fuck out of here Right You don't hit someone I can I say something I had big J step over the line once Oh really? Yeah and I talked to him about this I was actually waiting outside

I was gonna hit him with a stick I'm sick here as man Where'd you find a stick? I was I went out It's part of J's wardrobe That's a big skull on the top of it It's a cane slash stick. He's you know, it's only a matter of time before he was a cane by the way Oh, you know, definitely do J's gonna go full fledged fat vampire within two years. Yeah, he's the white Todd limb

I was used the real one I hope Jake goes blind and dies I was using the real one. I hope it goes well. Baby Arm. I hope Jiggle's blind and dies. That's what I just, what? I said it in a funny way without fucking saying blind or dead. Well, is he really heavy?

He's dead. No, not Todd Lynn. Big J. Oh yeah, big J. I know, but is he, he could just be tall. Yeah, that's true. Todd Lynn, I opened for Todd Lynn. Yeah. It was like one of my first gigs opening

and he had a baby arm and an attitude. Yeah. And I like they flew me to Missouri. And I was just like, first gigs opening and you need a baby arm and an attitude. Yeah. And I like they flew me to Missouri and I was just like, I was like, you either hate white people. He's the worst. Not necessarily. He yelled at it but he had a baby arm.

Look at first, was it any of your shit? You had a big dick. Todd Lynn was a fucking good guy at heart, man. Yeah. He treated a lot of you guys like shit. I think it was a bad guy at heart and maybe he was nice to use the times. I said, now he's nice to me a lot

and I almost fought him one night. That was one guy I almost fought. He ruined people's Montreal auditions over and over again He'd host and just fuck up everybody's set on purpose the whole night Yes, dude, he went once he went blind dude I was at bar and he he'd give me shit for years and he went blind at this point And I was like thank God, Tumbling can't see me to give me shit anymore And I was like kind of whisper talking to Dave Smith and I heard him from across the bar Is that Lewis Gomez?

Why is he, I'm leaving. If he's on the show, I'm leaving. Right. And I was like, fuck dude, this get literally that type of shit. To bookers, to fucking bookers. Because like, do I call you Lewis Gomez? Yes, he didn't use the J very disrespectful. Yeah.

Hi, maybe I'm wrong. But I mean, for me, when I came to New York, he was here. So we were fucking, you know, he never really fucked with me. And then the one time he did, I threatened his life. And then he said, we had a talk. And he kind of was like, what the hell? You got that? Well, he was like, look, man, I'm bustin' your balls.

It was exactly what we're talkin' about. He took ball bustin' too far. And I told him, man, I had stopped. And he didn't, he kept going. And I was like, all right, I'm gonna fuck. And I'm gonna knock you the fuck out. As soon as you walk outside, I'm waiting for you. I'm gonna punch you in your fucking kept going and I was like, I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna knock you the fuck out. As soon as you walk outside and wait for you, I'm gonna punch you in your fucking head.

And he was like, Bobby, I like you a lot, man. I was just fucking, I go, I will, you know, when I ask you to stop, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? It has to be some human shit involved in this. You see, we don't get this problem in LA. People just don't talk to each other and just look past them in the room and just whisper.

But hold on, kind of listen to me fucking Bobby was your rod there though and really hold on it You're taking the role on the opposite side of Mark because he asked him to stop and that didn't I asked you find it yes big J that thing he that was me that was because he said some shit I I said some shit and then he said some shit over the line and then I got mad that's me And I walked out his left I left and then I went back and talked to him later I went up I go listen dude you said this shit and he was like did I he didn't realize he was just saying shit on stage The difference in the stories is you asked him to stop and he didn't you

Extended an olive branch you're like hey man like whatever and he when you put out your hand He threw you a wall right so both of these are someone extending an olive branch and being like, hey pump the brakes and the other person Well look and alcohol was involved too. Maybe that's the always maybe you should stop drinking so much mark Well also a couple of nights before he had gotten shit from other comics right free going long So I think he's like well he's doing it now He's a newer guy. He's a smaller guy. He's white. I gotta beat him up. Well, the other guys were white. Now should try to beat up pretty bad. He can really beat me. Yeah, yeah. I would not want to fight

draw. No, I think you would beat up. I'm not saying that I wouldn't. I'm just, Lewis, but Lewis knows mixed martial art. Lewis knows that a fight. Yeah, you said you'd beat up sure. Brooklyn and my lord. I heard you say it. I did too. Right. I would beat up sure. And then you look to me and you winked and you stroked and you stroked it and you're You'd beat up sure I did I heard you say it I did to right I would be up to rod it for the You winked and you stroke you stroked it and you're like yeah, and then you pushed your hemorrhid back in I named my hemorrhid sure I'd oh boy if he wanted to fuck me up he got a fuck me up That's that's why I knew it wasn't a big deal and I'm sure he was a little drunk too Possibly and I'm sure you know usually when alcohols and involves in that people get a little carried away

I'm glad you didn't punch you though That would have sucked. Yeah, that would have been real. I do love Sharad. I'm friends with both of you guys He looked at here's the thing I say we there's no code of fucking how everybody should fucking like they did Look, you know not to cross that line with Sharad now He the same way if you fucking work in a bank. There's some dude is kind of a hardhead. It's ridiculous Why is that you know not to cross the line with him. He's the one that hurt you physically, not hurt you, whatever. He's the one that threw you onto a wall. Why is the onus not on him, not to hit people?

No, he should also not do it. If you ever use the word onus on this show again, you'll go on. We'll have some smart moments. My onus hurts. No, that's not gonna happen. I'm just saying, I don't understand why you're being on the onus for his actions. I don't either, I don't either, but hey, that's the long jungle.

I'm not saying that you should be accountable for his actions obviously he crossed the line there as well I'm just saying that look you can't control the way everybody in the fucking world X there are people like that I disagree I You're a different you're living you're living in a much different people just like open doors Really easy dinners are are free. No. Running the light should be punished. That's all I'm saying. It should be, but it should be punished.

But not by you or me by the club. Well, they're not doing it. They should and you should bring it to them. He does get punished occasionally. He'll get banned. Yeah, CNA. It just, if you have a TV show, they'll just let you go. I know.

And then they'll say thank you. I fucking, let me tell you something. That whole thing where people, I know people that would they'll say thank you. I fucking, let me tell you something, that whole thing where people, I know people that would rather go on fucking Instagram and say shit to like what they don't like about you or on Twitter, like to their fans, than rather being a fucking grown adult and saying it to your,

if I get a problem with you, I'll call you and go, hey man, what the fuck? Yeah. And we'll talk it out. We can have an argument and end the friendship, right? And it's over, but at least we fucking went back and forth. I completely agree. I had a comic one time, the comedy store,

you know, you've seen your already whatever. I had to run a set. I walked in and I said, hey I'm just gonna do this five minutes. I never run the light. This comic comes up and moves much younger than me. He's like, hey, would you mind if I just went ahead of you? I feel like you're always bumping me.

I never bump anyone. And I was like so stunned that he said that because anytime I get bumped, I just take it. You take it on the chain, whatever. So we did that, I let him go. And I was so angry that he had the balls to ask me that. I got his number and I called him. I go, you listen to me right now.

I don't know if it's gonna be a girl. I don't know what it is. You don't ever fucking ask me that again. Why'd you say no? Because it was so in the moment and it didn't really matter and it was like, okay, sure. And if it means that much to you that you're asking me. But just in terms of paying your dues,

like I would never ask someone not to bump me. Daniel Tosh walks in and he's gonna be cool about it either way, go ahead if you need to do that. And the fact that he dared to ask that with having done comedy for like a year or something. Here's what you strained it out versus talking. But what you did I don't think was right, because now you're going, hey, what the fuck?

You should have just as the person been like, no. I mean, no. Because I could pitch it, I've literally, I know I've asked certain famous people to help me tweet or something about my album literally, I know, I've asked certain famous people to help me tweet or something about my album that, you know, they're special. And I'm happy to do it, buddy. And I said to them, and I said, listen,

I know that you might say no, and I'm not gonna take it personal, and they're literally, no, I'm not doing that. Yeah. And it's like, okay, cool. That's how every week I ask Colin Quinn to do my podcast. And he says no. He says, fuck you. Yeah, absolutely. I it's like, okay, cool. That's how every week I asked Colin Quinn to do my podcast. And he says now he says, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I was like, I'm out of here. But I mean, you're giving me option.

I guy like that comes up. And I think that that that happens a lot because these people don't know their worth. But that's that was rather than embarrass him in front of everyone. And it was and I didn't really mind and it seemed like it meant enough to him. And it was in the moment. I was like, okay, sure. But then I called him and I straightened it out. And I was just like, don't ever fucking do that again. What did he say? He was like, I'm so sorry. And now every time he sees me, he's like,

hey, how's it going? Like, he doesn't know how to act, which is fine. Right. Because that's just, you gotta learn it somewhere or the other. I know, I just think that when you, you know, I don't know. Same versus talking about him behind his back. I just said it to him. Yeah, I agree with that.

I hate that shit. I hate when people, all of a sudden, there's a vibe around. It's just fucking, we're, I hate the vibe. We're, you know what I'm saying? There's a thing, and it's there, and it's like, you could just say it to me.

I'll take it, I'll fucking, we can have an argument, blah, blah, blah, and then it's between me and you and it's done. It's gone. But some of these people like it in the air. They live in that. They live in that vibe. That's a wrap.

They like when they show up and there's people that hate them. They like it. They actually, they want to fuck with people. They want to have secret little fucking resentments. I think it's unavoidable. I think there's some people just have a dark energy. Yep. I don't think nobody, anybody, I don't care if I'm a it's unavoidable. I think there's some people just have like a dark energy. Yep, and I don't think nobody anybody This I don't care if I'm a dick. I like people like me nobody likes to be disliked

Yeah, but sometimes it's unavoidable because your energy is so bad and you're such a piece I was telling him test today I went to a party last week and they were two girls at the party who I'd head sex with and they were talking to each other And it was brutal and they both looked at me like we now know I'm great of Sharad came in and put his arm around both of them to each other and it was brutal and they both looked at me like we now know and great of Sharad came in and put his arm around both of them. I mean that'd be fun I have no attachment but uh yeah. He's got a huge penis too by the way.

Does he? Massive. I felt it on my leg joking me. I wasn't even as forum against your neck it was his penis. I was in Vegas with him years ago lots of a Kiss and you sucked his dick. No, I He we we we're in a jacuzzi with this girl and he walked he was like I'll be right back And I'm in the jacuzzi and we're all you know me and her naked and he's gonna be naked right?

He comes in with a joint in his dick. You mean a not a joint in his He comes in with a joint in his dick. You mean a knot? A joint in his dick? Yeah. I'm not. It was a fucking knot. It was more of a pinner. I've been waiting to call that back a whole time.

Dad, he was getting back and bassin' on a livers, dude. That lovers, whatever. He fucking walks in, me and this girl both went, we just stopped talking and just stared at his fucking mass of dick. And I said to him, I go, bro, I'm going to look at your dick for a little bit. Awww! I'm not, I don't want to suck it, I'm not into it.

How big is it? I don't know this person. It's fucking, it was hanging that. Oh, that's a real. Like, it was a blast, it was that. That's like an Arizona kid. Flashing, like, blast it like that. I go, I'm gonna look at your dick for a little bit,

so I hope it's just gonna happen. Yeah. Cause I've never seen anything like this. Wow. It's almost unreal to me. Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. Geez, Louise.

Yeah, it was crazy big. And, you know, oh god, am I, and I'm sitting there with my, my little fucking wild mushroom. And that's when it used to hang too. Two henna of the woods. That's when it used to, henna of the woods mushroom, those are great mushrooms.

Oh, fuck. It's the disgusting looking. It's a fucked up mushroom. It's terrible. I I'm sitting there in my my little thing, you know, eating that's when it was hanging just a little bit and I got it nice even but I was in the water for a couple minutes. So he came in sat in the tub. I had to move my leg because it was there was no way it wasn't touching me. It was, I picture his dick wearing a floaty. Yeah. He had a big mass of dick.

Wow. Great. So anyways, back to clock, we brought it back. Good time. Good. So anyways, you got this special coming out. Now, here's the thing, let's go to this. I find it now that I've done this hour thing

and I found out, you know, I had to do it myself. So I had my manager and myself. He put up the money, produced it. I put all my money, what I would make back into it. And we did it, not knowing it was gonna be bought and thank God, after Comedy Central bought it and then Netflix bought it, which is great because we own it now.

But now with you with them, bought it, which is great, because we own it now. But now with you with them, I mean, it is still, I mean, I think Netflix is a fucking honor. It's almost like Netflix, HBO, Showtime, I mean, they're all Comedy Central. Well, the way that they do is they put a lot of money into original content for them, it's nonlinear programming, but they put a lot of money into these giving networks

or run for their money. These are many movies they're making, like the production value is insane, taking chances on artists, comics, original stories. Who's doing that, too? Yeah. What's that called, Deadbeat? It's my cousin's show. Deadbeat.

I should hear it. My cousin, my friend Cody, fucking love that show. Great show. It shoots here in New York and it's only higher in New York actors. Yeah. And comics. And comics. Yeah, and comics You don't even know how Brad Holley is on it. They got a Dean Edwards godfrey emotie Todd Barry guy from Norton It just did a couple tropic thunder Tom Cruise Brandon T Jackson Matthew McConney. Yeah, Matthew McConney Hayes. It's a fucking great show really funny show

Yeah, really funny show. I'd like to go out for that show. Absolutely. What do you, Alan? I just did an Amazon. He signed with Amazon. Yep, he did. Adam Sandler signed with the Netflix. Netflix too.

Wow. So it's just, and they don't, I don't know, it's just cool. We get the matter of time, but it's a bit of a trouble. I shot it Denver, huh? It's a matter of time before everyone just kind of like, they're trying to figure out how to deliver the content right now. They're like, wait, is it each?

I think they figured it out. Well, the condo, I think the industry is in general. HBO, Netflix, everyone. I know, but it's like split right now like it there like it is it is it figured it out well the kind of though i think the industry is in general HBO Netflix everyone and know what it's like split right now have to people are still what fuck you bobby i'm sorry i'm just fine if i did a guy who's barely in the industry is telling us how it works Netflix is figured it out kidding dude you're in the industry welcome and like it is however you don't say like i don't think they have figured out how to deliver the content

completely because half the people are sitting around their TV on a Tuesday night watching American Idol and half the people are watching it on demand on Hulu or Netflix or whatever else. So right now it's kind of split and I think eventually everything is going to be this hybrid between your computer, your TV and on demand. I don't think any, I think in 10 years, nobody's gonna see. It's not gonna look at these networks not going away. No, no, no.

No, no, no. It's cable. It'll go away. Yeah, be. And it will just be when you want it. Everything's gonna be on demand eventually. Yeah, everything. And Netflix, I will say, you know, they were at the forefront of that movement.

And I would, I don't want to piss on anyone, but Hulu and Amazon, they were a slightly different game. They were. So Netflix really has that market and functionality isn't as great as Netflix shows. Well, no, because Hulu, they're still commercials. Yeah. In my opinion, Hulu, and while I love my cousin's show and that's original content, Hulu should be the place you go to see the shows that you missed.

Right. If you didn't DVR it. And Netflix, you know, you have places like Amazon, like doing their own program, which I'm sure is great, but Netflix got their first and peed on that tree. Yeah, and Netflix, the functionality in Netflix is fucking flawless. You go to your show and you watch as many episodes

as you want, as many of there. Binge watch wasn't a phrase until like a year ago. And I love the fucking phrase. Why do I like Binge watch? Because I love the binges. Because you're a button. I beat you to the fucking Joe. Why do I like binge watch because I love because you're what? Yeah, I get you to the fucking Joe Somebody fucking punch Joe on the nuts so he wakes up when I decided good one. I'm kidding

I just what the hell it was you know, I'm a couple I think HBO go in my in terms of all of those systems to watch HBO goes my favorite in terms of just how it works Let's show togetherness is great. Have you seen that I haven't seen it? But I love it just the functionality if togetherness is great. Have you seen that? I haven't seen it. But I love it. It's just a functionality. If you look first, you have to have cable. Well Apple TV is a genius invention.

Yeah, that's great. And that's how I have HBOG. I mean, I haven't. It's just like the apps on it. Apple TV is great. But now that all the TVs, these fucking smart TVs, these 4Ks come with everything on it. YouTube, Netflix, Amazon, it's right.

Oh, yeah, I have a smart TV. I don't have an Apple TV. It's so fucking, because the Apple TV is good, but it's not as flawless as a smart TV. It's not, and there's no one you can call. Like, if it won't load for like 12 hours or something, there's no one you just fucked. And you're just sitting there like,

do I call the internet, do I call Apple? There's no one. So when you do this special, you film it in Denver, where in Denver, and Call Me works. I shot it at the The Gothic theater Gothic theater everyone hates the crowds in Denver now. That's what I keep on here I Swear that I've heard from so many people now that since we was legal Was legal the crowds are fucking like just disagree just not with you complete

Denver comedy works is one of the fucking best clubs. Amazing. In the world. I've only had one problem there the last time, there was a chick in the front row that was just one of those fucking laughing hecklers. She was just laughing to fuck with you. Yeah.

Yeah. And I remember I just set up, shut up. Yeah, I kicked this girl out and I was like, you're going because everybody told her to shut the fuck up And she finally got kicked out and then I looked and there was a groups of girls I go look I'm gonna she's gonna get kicked out and I know you're gonna hate me You're gonna leave too. I got I hope you don't but I hope you stay because I'm pretty funny And as soon as she got kicked out they were like you're an asshole and they left sure and these other girls left

And I was like I know you got a stick because she's a woman and she's just saying I'm just laughing. Right. She's drunk. She's an alcoholic. And she's an alcoholic and a terrible mother. She's ruining everything. She's ruining everything.

A positive effect. It's so funny because the audience, I would say in the last night, the audience doesn't understand. They don't understand. Like I'm losing my mind. Like if there's a person who's like, let's say not heckling

But they keep on repeating a punch right? Yeah, keep on repeating the word five or six times like in your head. You're fuming while it's happening Yeah, the audience has no That anything is happening so when you get shitty. Yeah, go what the fuck is this guy's problem Well, that's why it's all as a season comic, but you're the most season one here It's on you to decide when you've had enough. Joe's 20 years in. I've started before Bobby.

Seriously? You look 12. You do. That's his mouth. Just his body. It's not feeling great. It's not a great body. Sometimes you let it go for like 50 minutes.

You let someone do something because you've got to get through it or something, and then you choose when you snap. Sometimes you don't do anything, but it's up to you to disrupt the inertia of your own show. I'm a momentum moment. I wish there was a fucking guy at every club that his job was to watch the crowd for the first 25 minutes.

The bounce. And just somebody like that who, but who cares, not some guy who just kicked people out and fucking his on his phone, right? Some guy who, Lewy watching the crowd and going, all right, that girl right there, I like a fucking, it's police the room. Yeah, like. Gotham is good at that. Yeah, right, that girl right there. Like a fucking, just police the room.

Yeah, like. Gotham is good at that. Yeah, yeah, because they have cops. They have real cops. I think certain rooms train their audiences too. Certain clubs, you know, you can't do that. It's sell, you sell those guys. You fucking get the fuck out.

You say one word every, it's so funny to watch the wait staff they're trained. This is in every comedy club she trained the wait staff. If somebody in the audience is fucking up, the waiter's job then becomes, hey guys, please keep it down. If everybody is on the same page, the management, the wait staff, the comedians, none of that shall happen,

and that's why the seller does it the best. But that also comes from success. The seller, they can kick everybody out. They don't give a fuck. The show's sold out. They got people waiting outside to come in and be kicked people out. But that's one of these clubs. A lot of these clubs, they need those people.

They're like, keep some here. Check it in the egg. Stand up New York is like that. There's 12 people in the audience. They go, we can't kick these out. We need the drinks. Fuck you. But if you're somewhere outside of a city, right?

I genuinely believe the comic and it's us versus them in a weird way. The audience versus I'm part of the staff that weekend. I go right up to the bounce where I'm like, look, I'm here to work out, I need to get this done. Somebody does anything, kick them out. And you can set a precedent and certain clubs, some of the nicer clubs have their audiences trained

in those genuine comedy lovers. I totally disagree about the audience in Denver. Smart people come out, even if, smart people can still get stoned and laugh and be normal. I'm just saying what I've heard, I've never been to Denver. I've only had one show where a girl was kicked out. And then when after they left, it was fucking great. Every fucking show at that club, to me,

the one downtown, I've never played the other one. The one downtown, the other club is fucking gorgeous. Really? Oh, it's dude, it's fucking beautiful. Both clubs are beautiful. Rogan shot is special there. Rogan tells the album, Gerardo's album, Schumer. There's Denver.

There's a couple cities that are great. Denver, Tempe, parts of Florida. I don't really understand. A lot of people do San Fran as well. San Francisco is great. New York is pretty great. Seattle, the punchline. The punchline.

The punchline. Yeah, I fucking love it. Parlor in Seattle to me is one of the best. It's a great room, but there's a, you know, and it's my style, but there's always some hot fucking chicks who are just to me. It's one of the best rooms. It's a great room, but there's a, you know, and it's my style, but there's always some hot fucking chicks who are just ignoring me. Okay, well, there's that. It's the only time I've had a woman come on stage to heckle me.

Come on stage. She was like sitting very close and out of the court, I didn't see her coming. She just like got her stuff up there. The bounce was on the other side of the room. And I wasn't afraid because it's a girl and I could tell she she was drunk. And she, whatever, she was like hugging me. She just decided that she's like, I'm just going to hug you. And I went off because there's this thing where when women are too attractive, like the whole lives, like they start out attractive,

they're never told no. Right. So she's like, why wouldn't I be able to go on stage and interrupt you at work? And I mean, we embarrassed her. But every guy in the room is like fucking saying Aren't you that person shut up. She's not I'm not nobody said that

No, I said it in did you ride right? I had to wear an eye patch when I was a kid I was a kid But that makes you more tangible I like that Yeah, thank God you can get I'm always one to fucking pirate there's Girls that come out fucking hot, like hot babies, like Ralph Lauren babies. And then there are like normal ones of us

that like worked at a personality. And grew up, okay, I'm hot for a comedian. I'm not like, I'm not a model. I'm not. You're hot for a check. You're not for a comedian. You're hot. Hey, let me ask you, so you, why did you,

why did you have a fucking eye patch? I had ambiopia. What would I have gotten in the other fucking eye patch? I had amblyopia Was watching myself last night. I'm a little cross-eyed one eye stronger than the other my ride is not as strong as my left I was gonna say that yeah great She has I can't I can't cross them. used to be a better She has cock-eyed boobs. She was way bigger than the other Look, I can't cross them. This is not like a cool thing I just anyways, I do where I punch By the way, that's how hot you are you have to start pointing out the things that aren't obvious to everyone else in the world a bit

No, I'm fine now. I'm just saying I do where I'm just saying I wasn't I wasn't raised Did you get did you get picked on with an eye patch? No, nobody said what? No, she had a hook hand Did you get picked on them with an eye patch? No, nobody said what? I was ordered, no, she had a hook hand. He did. Oh. My peg leg distracted everyone. My hump was enough to distract everyone.

They made fun, she made them walk the plank. Yeah. All right. So, he's back. So, you say you're smarter than everybody. No, I was just smart. Are you very smart? I was always funnier.

Right, I'll be fine. And also, I was like a Are you very smart? I was always funnier. Right, okay. And also I was like a little kid. Like, it's, there was always been funny. Yeah. It was also this is gonna be terrible. There was a girl that was bald in our class. So probably she took most of them like making fun of. Yeah, no.

She answered check. She didn't have cancer. She didn't have cancer. She's a bald child. She made her Connor. She made her Connor. Well, I'm such and baldie. What kind of school is this?

How lusting. How lucky are you? Yeah, you had a fucking patch. You had a small bus. And you fucked. I can such and baldy. What kind of school is this? How lucky are you? You can take the patch off she couldn't take you went to the X-Men school. Yeah She was in a wheelchair Yeah, yeah, what's your power? Stain retarded no, don't listen But that's it You say not comedy. Yeah Things on my body which is pretty good by the way

Can I see your abs Joe I got great About my body you defended it naked podcast now what we go wait take off your broadf broth. He's gonna sit down hold on somebody give me a bucket Wait a minute he's doing push ups next is a dog I think you fell what are you doing stand right there the cameras right there hold on Deepo people wants to eat that dog watch that dog I ate extra rice at Chipotle Deepo relax you relax with that dog, okay somebody to get Joe Sharpie. I here we go ready one two Three-go yeah, oh wow that was a bit of a let down Little better than Lewis Gomez. Oh my god Not yet you talked about

Poses abs every four months so can I say seven four months from now you're your belly button looks like your mouth He, uh, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, That's not what I heard Another joke sorry That was the rhythm anywhere go. I was sure I was like that's the fucking mush of face every time you had a stinker Lewis can't make a joke. He just points out what one should go. Yeah That's a good comedian. I've actually been working out more because of a little sherry baby and My roommate removed every time I'm doing push up the roommates like I sure I'd push ups Who's acceptable, right? Huh? Not bad, acceptable. What?

That's LA. That's LA fat for her. Oh yeah, for LA. Yeah, he's hitting. Where are you from originally? From Dallas, Texas. You're from Dallas. And how long have you lived in LA?

Almost 10 years. Now you, you are. School in Boston. And you, you went to school wearing Boston. To Emerson. Oh no, shit. That's a great school. A lot of kids. A lot of kids. A lot of comedians. Yeah. Jaleno. Yeah. Jaleno. A lot of sclery. I'm a sclery. Anthony Clark. Harrison Greenbaum. Um, uh, he went to

Harvard. What happened? It's a baby. It's a great school. My friend Jack Liri. Dennis' son went there. I think what I like about it is people think it's a lot better than it is. And people think some people think it's Emory first. Well is and people think some people think it's Emory first what people think like you had to get like a sixteen hundred years to get in there But it's a Yaffee and it's right where it's located The actual theater and the fucking yeah the people that it produces is Yeah, it's got a huge like theater program. I would love to see their every every office in LA has an intern from there Huge producers. Yeah, our big big claim to famous Henry Winkler

hey also went there yeah but it's just a fucking great it's a pretty bad ass school you think of for the arts just the acting it's a cool school and we're located in Boston it's fucking badass right on the common right on the people in your quad yeah but now it's fucking great now the common I mean

Boston is really fucking it's almost bombs me out that it's so clean and rich That area right there, but I was gritty. It was nicer then it's still a little city Even gone combats own used to be fucking awesome. It used to be porn and like New York Yes, I remember that all that shit and the the the naked eye and then they have the glass slipper. Yes I remember that. All that shit and the naked eye, and then they had the glass slipper. Yes! Right?

Jesus Christ, you know this glass. We tried to film a student film there, I'll tell I remember, I remember the glass slipper. I was at the glass slipper as such a shit hole. It's just most small in this room, actually. And there was a little tiny stage with stairs that went upstairs. And the girls would come down like these six stairs.

Just stick with it. And it in the room. Yeah, like, spin around and say, one girl's act, this old Spanish lady, Stryper, her act was to come down with Windex and the paper towels and clean the smudges off the glass

from all the other girls. Which I thought was very creative. I like a smudge. All right, well listen, when does the special come out? Special comes out this Friday on the 23rd this Friday podcast come out this Well, this podcast is live right now. Oh, yeah for nine people good call and it's going on Netflix, but it's gonna be there For a long time how long you need to be on Netflix on the front page in perpetuity forever. Oh on the front I tell you about those words for a long times

Oh, on the front. What I tell you about those words. For a long times. Ha ha ha ha. Long time being there. Special go. Oh, if you talk like that, it'd be so hot. Hi, Bubby. Long time being.

Yeah, it'll be up for however. So make sure, we're gonna take a break real quick, but make sure you go right now. What's the name of it again? It's freezing hot, ashtag freezing hot, and just watch it on Friday. Go watch it and make sure that you tele-friend retweet it. It's your last special was great.

You're a funny, funny, funny comedian. And I'm sure this special, what's the theme of this special, by the way? Is there a theme or what are you talking about? It's an observational special. It's a, I really think if you watch it as a girl, you'll feel a little less crazy. And as a guy you'll be like, oh my God,

I'm a little less afraid of women. Really? It's not a, it's sort of an introspective look at a thought processes and sort of giving, I'm sorry, giving good reasons for why we do it. Sort of substanjuting theories about why girls do what they do in helping. I wanna know what Bobby's intellectual,

the side of the specials about. Bobby, what is your special about? What do you do with your special? Munch is truth, man. You're not a right jokes, man. I don't know, punchline. I just write, I gotta go on stage. These things really happen.

You know what I mean? They happen to me. And then I go, I just, I'm a surfer. It's like, but it's a weird question. And you get it. And then when it's like, tell us about your guys, sum it up. You're like, it's fucking funny. And it's about me. And if's like, tell us about your kind of sum it up. You're like, it's fucking funny and it's about me.

And if you don't like it, then don't watch it. I don't know. What do you angry at? No, I'm not. You like this, do you watch it? Yeah, with that fucking attitude. I guess, I guess. If you don't like it, don't watch it again.

They'll say, do not recommend it to your friends. But listen, here's a deal. Go fucking watch it. Thank you. It's on Netflix. Which is free. That's the way I look at Netflix. It's just free. It's $12 a month. I know, but to me, it's free. Why which is free that's what i look at netflix it's just yeah twelve dollars a month i know but to me it's free why do you pay that

twelve dollars i really do i feel like everything's free get it by you doing well jesus i think i don't know why i really love jod today just make it really good well very sweet still things you hate him. Really? Yeah. Why? Well, we had a beef and I got worried that you're always gonna hate me for no more. You're gonna pop your loves beef. Yeah, you do love beef.

Turkey. I know we did get, we'll talk about that before we come back. I don't wanna talk about it on the radio. We already figured it out. Why? This is a podcast. Let's get you mad at it. I had the, that's the perfect thing I was talking about

by the way. We were talking about the beef, about, we had it, we talked about it, we worked through it. Like fucking adults. Anyways. How long do you'd be here if here if you hated you thank you I'm really good on the show yes he uses us the listeners get I'm not a please don't say us you'll definitely a favor first of all I have will I will lose sticks will is great and Janice really replaces you fucking way better you need two people to replace you you're Janice and will no I could use either You need two people to play so you're honest and will no

I could use either one is a rotating thing or is it oh well? You're the constant and I'm a he's a regular he's and Mark has been on a few times and then we usually have a guest on like yourself But you can say it's my show as well. It's our and Bobby and I show Chris is a comedian Who's biggest credit is moving in with me next month. It was this podcast and now it's living with you. He produced the show and this is Deepah who's a comedian and he's also a member of ISIS.

Deepah does comedy? It's cousin versus cereal. Wow. Very rarely. Really. You should be huge. What's your website? It's Eliza.

It's I-O-I-Z-A. It's my name. Eliza.com. No one else has the annoying spelling that I do. And make sure you check out a special on Netflix this Friday. And spread the word and hit her up on Twitter and make sure you let her know you heard her, how much you liked it and you heard her from the YKWD podcast. All right, thank you.

Are you leaving? No, we're taking a break. She's got to go. Oh, yeah, we're taking a break. I'm supposed to go now. We're talking to me. I panic. No, it's the best. Am I the wrong if I leave? If you want to stay, taking a break. I'm supposed to go now. We're talking to me. I panic No, my is it wrong if I leave if you want to stay you can stay I had a piece of it. We're gonna take a break. Do you want to stay? How much that was a lot?

We were told you had to leave after an hour. I usually do well. Do you want to stay? You can talk about off here Yes, we can well now, so it's gonna be surprise if you come back Oh, let me just say goodbye and then it'll be a surprise if I'm Just a bit and then it'll be a surprise if I'm, oh, like if I'm gonna get it. Yeah, sure, absolutely. She just started burying. I, ha ha ha. He's such a, he's a fucking savage. Fucking livin' the poor responding. But it comes out and that's what I love about you.

You don't even have a fucking, it's like you don't have lips to shut your fucking face. No, that's Joe. Oh, ha ha ha. I have lips, I have a small mouth. It looks like your belly button. Everybody, everybody watchin' live, stay right there, we'll be back have a small mouth. It looks like your belly button. Everybody everybody watching live Stay right there. We'll be back in a couple minutes

We're gonna be playing some original music from some fans that sent some stuff in yep put on screen Okay, I'm gonna he's gonna put it on the screen. Thanks for sending those tunes in make sure you keep sending them in Send them to D. Poo to but not to me. What's your email D. Poo D. Poo dot guild dot comity at gmail see a committee i'd like to make you send if you have songs you want to play the have to be yours or somebody know we need permission and will play them uh... during the break that's your standard of proving your committee of the word comedy in your email address it's part of the

guys email me at louis de gillum is the president of the notices i will be right back after uh after we all take a piss. You are listening to Robert Kelly's You know what dude? Podcast on rightcast.com Alright, check it out. I want to plug our sponsors right now real quick. We have Amazon.com. If you go to... Oh, Jesus Christ, Lewis. Fucking gorilla. If we go to Amazon.com, go to rightcast.com, go to Jesus Christ, Lewis, fucking gorilla. If we go to Amazon.com, go to ridecast.com,

go to our page, there's a little sliver on the page that says Amazon, it's very hard to find. So if you go to YKWD and you find the sliver, you have to be extremely motivated. Like if you know where's Waldo, or you like puzzles, go to ridecast.com and look for the word Amazon. If you're gonna buy, that's even if you're gonna buy anything off Amazon, I want you to add this fucking

huge step into the process. Everything that makes Amazon awesome, take that out. You know what, all the convenience shopper on Amazon, I want you to take that out, go know what? Well, we can be in shop. Yeah, we can. I want you to take that out. Go to ryecast.com, go then go to YKWDs page and then I want you to find that little sliver where it says Amazon.com and click on that and then by your fucking. It will be easy.

So because I want to make eight cents every eight months. So please go to Amazon.com and do that. And it is more convenient to go to the mall and shop. Yeah, it is, to use the recipe. But in Washington, DC, if you live in New York, anyways, we also, I do wanna thank Tweet Dario. These guys, they were amazing for the holiday gift drive we did. They matched every headphone we bought.

That was bought from them. They matched. So they sent us a box of 20 headphones and then and then they sent us even more because people bought so many headphones and they're great headphones. If you need a nice cheap pair of headphones, not cheap, inexpensive with a mic, non-miced, they're fucking great. And you can go to Amazon.com, right? I mean, I'm Amazon, twig.io.com right now. And you buy your headphones and what's the code there,

scuffle, you go dude, type in dude, and you get 33% off, free shipping, lifetime limited warranty. That's almost half off if you use the code word dude at twiek.io.com. Now, I have another great announcement where we have a new podcast coming to the network. I'm very excited about it.

The laugh button is coming to the RiotCast network. Now, here, it's, listen, these guys are amazing. It's Mark Seaman and our good friend Matt over at laughs. What's really laughing? Because his last name's Seaman. Sorry, I tried to hold it in. He, you might, you guys, comedy fans know him from a serious satellite radio.

Who's the man? The comedy channel where he pretty much was the guy over there for a long time. He stepped away for a minute and now he's coming back to New York and he's working with the syndicate with the laugh button, my good pal Chris Ellis and Matt, they're over there and they're putting together a weekly show here on the RayaCast network and it's news and comedy. It's gonna be around a half hour, 40 minutes. All about what's going on in the comedy business.

They're gonna be doing interviews and it's gonna be a great show. So if you love stand up comedy and you wanna know what's going on and you wanna know what's up with your favorite comedians who's coming out with? What are you doing? What are you doing? I was looking at the picture they posted on Instagram and then a video came up So it made a noise and then it turned it off really quick. It's like owning a baby gorilla

That's what it being that you actually that doesn't sound awesome It'd be awesome until you come home and he broke your fucking lamp until he's fucking He's up into a full-grown gorilla. How? He beats up your neighbor for scaring your pups. All right list That was a movie. So make sure it's coming out this it came out yesterday actually if you're listening to this on Monday If you're listening live, it's coming out this Sunday. It's a brand new show on riot cast We continue to bring you some of the best podcasts on the East Coast. We're very proud of this show. We think it's going to be amazing. So if you love comedy, you're going to want to download this show. You want to subscribe. You want to review. Go to iTunes, whatever

stitcher, whatever you're a sound cloud, whatever you have tune in and get this show. It's called the laugh button, right? That's the name of it. Laugh button podcast. Laugh button podcast and it's debut on the network is this Sunday. So if this is Monday, it's already out. Go get it.

We're very proud of it and we're excited. I can't wait to listen to this. It's gonna be one of my favorite shows. So let's go back right now. We're back into the show We got Mark Norman Lewis Gomez Jacob has an issue question, and then we got yeah, well, I don't think you can probably wait till I finish what I was doing Unless it's there's something on fire Or someone's gonna die. Oh, he's gonna die. All right, Joe list

Chris Scopo our guest was Alisa Schlesinger She is I mean look man. She's she's hot. I'd lick her own is that's not what I was gonna say She's a cool chick. She's cool. She was cool. Man I know that you probably thought she was gonna command and you saw her oh my god she was actually cool she I mean you know she want with the flow she's very funny super cool and yeah super cool man and she's very fun I just they'll mainly be for there was she was like I'm hot for a comedian like you're hot you're a hot girl don't you think am I crazy I'm

like it that that done do it for me oh I think she's really cool she's pretty I'm just she's not done blow my cookie away, you know. I've not said she's blown me away, but you wouldn't, I don't think she's comedian. I think she's hot. You call your asshole cookie. Oh yeah. Cookie wrist.

What was the question you're gonna ask? That was about my iPhone. What's, are you gonna interrupt me? I wanted to do it when it was off, because I want to take photos, but I can't take any photos. I have no data on my thing. I don't know fucking no why you ran out of data But I keep upgrading and they says you can't take any more photos. You play too much gay porn on there Yeah, but delete some of the photos on your phone. I have been I've read videos photos

Everything oh you sound like Kelly. Oh boy My phone mean thing you've ever said to me and you've said some mean things You use the phone. Okay. Use this phone. Use my phone here. Take it. So her by that. I'm sorry You think she watches this? She listens. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, no saying mean. She listens She's actually He said a birthday. She said a birthday and Yes, I wanted to get that thought Yeah, right in the middle of my foot you you both you and scuffle. Yeah, right in the middle of my sand. Scott What's your questions if Kelly moved back to New York?

Would you invite her back in on the podcast every single week? I would not I would not really thank you Bobby. Good question I'll tell you why I got come out now because what the money? Come on, sorry, well that she's never going to come back this is all she had I wouldn't ask her to come back because I think she needs to go forward really I think she needs to love you know I think she needs to go be a stand-up and she's doing that right now it's gonna say say that she's going on the road for a tour. She's doing a fucking tour. She's actually in the outback. She keeps gaining weight, she'll be huge.

He's back too. I love it. Couldn't think with fucking McEy over here, yeah. She smelled my parts of my tank, I was freaking out. Hey, you two are to yourself. You had some good singers. No, because the Kelly's on the road, she's doing well. She just had a birthday.

She had a birthday, she's not. 42. No, she's not 42, dude. She's 41. She's 40. That's how some good singers. No, because Kelly's on the road. She's doing well. She just had a birthday. She had a birthday. She's not. No, she's not 42, dude. She's 41. She's 40. That's how old she looks. She's definitely a menopausal. Listen, here's a deal. She's going on a tour.

She just did 20 minutes. And I think she's going to do 50 minutes a night. So she's 40. She's forcing herself to not be in a comfortable position. She's going to 40 a group. Right 35 minutes a day. She made up force to not be a little comfortable. She's gonna force you right 35 minutes. She made a force them to be with the Australian changerate, you know That's like 10 minutes first of all. She's doing it in Australia's 50 minutes there is like eight minutes here. She better force them to give her the money before she goes on Fucking look at oaks with force in it.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Kelly sucks. Force. Alright, look. She's great. I love Kelly. I do miss Kelly and I think that I think you make it a mistake. No, no, no, no. I'll take back. You should have her on the show regularly. I would have her. I would bring back Kelly. Bring back Kelly. Bring back Kelly. I'm not putting any money in. regularly i would have a a a

i'm not putting any money in i would definitely bring her back she could come on the show absolutely she'd be one of the she could be one of the regular people i wouldn't have her on the sheet would just end up to be she'd be sitting on the steps every Tuesday outside of the cellar i'd be cut first of all i think her leaving the show was a big deal for her i think it was really good for her mentally because now she was the show was her. She needed to go like Scopal goes out and does stand up all the time everywhere.

It's not good. I know I'm not saying. I'm not saying. It's pretty much the L.O.L. in the lantern. Yeah, but the lantern shows great. You've done, but you've done some good stuff with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're starting to get out there, but you're working your ass off to become a standup

and to get into other places and you're making those connections. But this show is actually, you know, your partner with me in it now, you both of you assholes. He may be working, but that ass isn't going anywhere. You know what I mean? So it's not, you know, Kelly left right when, you know what I mean, things were gonna. You got really famous. She left at the exact right time.

The worst possible time she could leave. She left. Look, I think she now. I mean, I can now afford her medical treatment. She left three minutes, three months. If she would have came that day to the set like I did, she would have creamed herself. Well, see you everybody.

If here's a deal, if she, I think she left it the perfect time because now she's actually, she's only doing comedy. There's not this to worry about, there's not this to be excused, she's not, oh, you're on Bobby, if you get something, it's not because you're on my podcast, or you book my show, it's because you're on my podcast. Right. Or you book my show. It's because you're funny.

And you have to live and die by your standup. It's so funny what a different world it is though, because Scopo doesn't get shit because he books this show. He's not been handed a goddamn thing. Nothing. But as a woman, it's so funny. It's just an easier path. Because I can carry it away.

He's done a lot of things with me. Yes, 100%. I think you, but nobody ever has. Yeah, but got people now Anthony knows you Ron Bennington knows you now It's you up to you if you had anything like Kelly you'd be on those shows you would have made those Globside of tips and let's not act like Kelly Kelly wasn't working a much of clubs and everything She wasn't getting a ton of stuff from this. I never saw her out. She wasn't at the cellar. She didn't get spot What's wrong here here something. Yeah, that's the line box. The ghost of Kelly.

Yeah, that's all right. I wasn't like Kelly was blowing up because of the show or anything. Oh, she blew up. She was. No, she, yeah, she, look, what I'm saying is is that she needs to be out there doing what she's doing. This show would have fucking,

it was literally plateauing her into that this would be what she would be known for. It was like a lot of don't. Yeah, it's not a it's not a now she's going to be known as a comic in wherever the fuck she came back here. She could definitely come on the show when she wanted to but would she fucking come back on and be part of the crew absolutely not. I agree it's good she left the more she stayed here the more she was looking like you. Yeah, that's probably for the best. But I think that's why the room is lopsided.

Because Kelly was on that side of the table for so long. I'm not gonna, I don't like whooped the wood. I don't like sitting in the seat. Why? We're over there. I'm gonna push it out a little bit. I'm not a big fan of the seat. That's your seat.

It doesn't matter. You gotta sit over there because you may, when I need you to go over there during the show to let somebody And to do something you you have to excuse me the mic this and then Lewis is there and it's a fucking no You can't you guys sit there Doesn't matter dude sucky, don't we you stop? Yeah, please stop what you fucking food, oh please you're moving into my house for god's sake, isn't that exciting Bob? Why why why you mean why you why you letting them move in?

Why cuz I needed someone to move in I girl was gonna move in but Dixon poop hooded why Hey poop food whoa whoa whoa what do you mean Dixon said no your girlfriend can't move in he was He was a little negative about it. So we had to go with another plan. Maybe he is a rapist I take everything back all the time. I defend it. Don't call him a rapist. I didn't call him a rapist He just did no. What's a cold did keep me? He's a malley Keith and the girl. Why is he calling him a rapist. He just did. No, what's a call did? He said, Keith and the girl. Why is he calling him a rapist?

It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. I mean, I don't want to get choked out. No, basically Keith and Pac-Out will fight at the creek. And then Keith went on the podcast and started shooting on him. And then a bunch of women rode in and we're like, yeah, well, he's touched me inappropriately. And then so Keith's like, well, fuck you, he's a rapist too.

That's crazy. Yeah, it was a whole thing, but I think it's blown over. No, it was done like that. He was concerned about living with a couple and it's a thing. I get it. People don't want to live with a couple. Listen, let me tell you something. I agree with him.

I've said it before. I've had that policy. I agree with a man. You get a couple move in all of a sudden is their apartment and you're a guest. Uh-huh. Yeah, if it's three guys, it's us. I would say that if it wasn't Joe and Sarah.

Yeah, we're pretty low maintenance. Yeah, I think it would have been fine. Yeah, there's so... There's nothing you want to do when you're lonely and sad and you fucking don't have a girl. Come on, we'll see two fucking giggling assholes making a giggling vine. They're fucking...

They're cleaning their glasses and fucking counting fucking something. That sucked. First of all, she's not of glasses. The second part fell off. You stink today. Yeah, the couple towards the end of the first half, but other than that.

We ended on a good show. Yeah, you got a big one. So it looked like you did all right. It's what are you clothes on, I guess, but man. Actually, when you have clothes on, you stink. Thanks. I wanted that to be good. That's why I made a noise.

But anyways, we got Scuapo moving in. His big fat ass. I wanted that to be good. That's why I made a noise, but. So, but anyways, we got ScuPo moving in. His big fat ass. I know. Yeah. I'm a little worried he's gonna flake though, because his parents lived 10 minutes away. I'm not gonna be happy till he's in there. That's perfect though, he'll never be there.

I already paid Canner the money, I'm moving in. Well, you gave Canner the money, but you haven't paid us anything. Who's Canner? By the way, Canner, that's a great story that our Bobby. He's that. You got to tell Bobby that story, but Canner's fucking apartment. Oh, you should have Jason Canner on. He's the one who had the robot. Is that? You have to bother me. That story of the canner's fucking apartment.

Oh, you should have Jason Canner on. He's one of the issues with Voss, but they're all made up now. The friends of him. And he's one of that is ribbroken by Voss. Yeah, he's the guy who gets drunk and nobody likes him. Yeah. No, people love him.

I love him. He's my best friend. You say that about everybody. Dan, you're with Gluas, is you? I've never said Gluas is my best friend. Are you getting me? So my son is his best friend. Yeah, I love the baby, but Louis. You say everybody's your fucking best friend. Well, this guy really is. No, he's is my best friend. Are you kidding me? So my son is his best friend. Yeah, I love Lewis. I love the baby, but Lewis.

You say everybody's your fucking best friend. Well, this guy really is. No, he's not your best friend. I don't believe it. All right, well, Mark's my best friend, but he's got there. What the fuck does that mean? Scott was my best friend.

All right, so who's this can't do? Jason Canter lived with him for years. He's a great guy. He's a really funny comedian. He's underrated comic. And, anyways, so he submitted for this artist housing on the Upper East Side, 53,000 people submitted, 89 units.

He got one of them. Wow. There's an old schoolhouse. It looks like Shawshank. It's a spectacular building, 99th between 2nd and 3rd. Unbelievable. It was built in 1898.

Wow. From St. Petersburg. It looks it was built in 1898. Wow. It's all refurbished. It looks like a Stanley Kubrick film. You walk and the lights start turning on with you. Wow. It's like 20-foot ceilings, hardwood floors. You got a studio opened up all windows out into the city.

It's spectacular. It looks like he's in a mess with all studio apartment. It's insane. Wow. It's crazy. What, what, what, what's reading's it again? 99's between second and third. You want to hear the rent?

500 bucks. 500 bucks a month. Permanently. No way. Permanently. Permanently. 500 bucks. Permanently. You know, I know that. How? Because they have one of those buildings on 43rd and 10th. 10th. Yeah.

Yeah. Right by my old dormant building that I lived in. And it's not artists though. I just low. No, it's artists. It's sag. It's sag. It's sag. Yeah, it's it's sag it's a guy said yeah actor it's actors so there's a lot you'll see a lot of actors from back in the day sit now front of it like the only that's that motherfucker from the christmas special right like you don't know them but they got that fucking it's 500 bucks

that's crazy just Steve Gutenberg on the stoop I think I think it's great that's fucking awesome it's crazy he's forever. I mean as long as he wants. Can he sublet it or no he can't. No, there's a bunch of rules with that. But now he can make as much money as he wants. If he makes 300 grand, he can keep paying 500 bucks. Here's the problem with that. That's like having a good t-shirt joke at the end of your act. And you buy 3,000 t-shirts. You can't not evolve. You can't end on anything else except that fucking joke It's kind of a curse. It's a curse. It's a blessing now Right, there'll be a point where it's like I gonna make a decision do I have it?

It's you have to mentally think of it as you were just given a thousand dollars a month and just think of it as the cash and Eventually when that cash isn't as valuable because you put that like the whole situation Way of it. I might be dumb. I might be, you might finish my point. Let me first go on. They're getting of it. I don't get. So how the fuck am I gonna let you finish?

It gets very serious. If you think of it, shout out, what do you do? I get glued into it because it's very serious with his talking. Yeah, because he took a course at a community college on public speaking. Don't push the microwave. So let me finish.

All right, go ahead. If you think of it as this fucking crazy deal and this crazy apartment with these huge ceilings and this, oh my god, I literally hit the lottery. If you think of it like that, you're gonna be very attached to the sexiness of everything. If you think of it as it's a 1500 bucks a month, that's your saving, which is what he's saving,

then you're not though. What do you mean saving? He's paying almost the same rent actually. No, no, no, if he were to have that apartment. Oh, I see yes Yes, so if you just think of it as winning that money and eventually when the $1500 a month doesn't become that much money You can move on from it. Do you understand how he lives his life? Do you get it like the rest of us go? I have this much money

I have this is my rent and this is how much I have he actually has to do Fucking Gomez math and his head And this is how much I have he actually has to do fucking Gomez math in his head Haha to create the whole Four in alternate universe you're saying that it's a buddy. We won Right What the fuck is that sitting there waiting for 15 hundred bucks to come in the mail, you know, dude I'm saving 15 All the money. No, he's not he's actually making it so it't have, you can be dangerous in there because you don't have to try,

listen, my theory is this, when I moved to New York, I found the building I wanted was on 43rd, between 10th and 11th, there was a dormant building, I said, I wanna fucking, I wanna live there, okay? I'm living there and my wife was like, at the time my girlfriend, we, what? Put Joe on the spot, I wanna say hello. Okay, hang on living there and my wife was like at the time my girlfriend Wheat what put Joe on the spot. I want to say hello. Okay hang on Joe you need Joe you need to hey Joe you're on the YKWD live right now with Because I wanted to say hello because Joe well I would like to say hello to oh sorry

I was the best man is waiting I'm with you're you're on with Mark Norman Lewis Gomez. Joe list Joe list one of my favorite people in the world. Oh you too Joe I love you. That's why I wanted to say hello. He's your best friend. That's enough Joe. Shut up. Chris Scopo you know you've heard of Chris Scopo? No. No. No. That was the right answer. That was really what the right answer. I love that he gave two notes. He went, nope, nope.

What's up, buddy? What's happening? I'm actually on a plane right now on my way to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Really? How's the cancer? Is it still gone? Cancer's gone. Yes.

Cancer's gone. Yeah. Nice. I'm clean, clean, though, health. Nice. I got a phone call about 10 minutes ago. My blood work was normal. Everything's good. That's awesome. Joe for you guys. You don't know he had a throat cancer. Oh, I'm eating pussy. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Must have been. Yeah. I don't think you're supposed to actually eat it. I think you're supposed to lick it. Yeah, must have been. Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to actually eat it. I think you're supposed to lick it. I really am sitting on an airplane surrounded by people so I had this conversation. Just put us on speaker for one second. No. All right, well, this is second high-level is a dead what are you going to say i want for the new shows you have a gaysian the crucial work all right buddy you back on cruises all year right

now that's my act my second road trip right but it will i love you to death all uh... i'll call you probably shouldn't say that to somebody just recovered from cancer what i think i'm playing right now and he's on a plane i think. And he's on a plane. And there's a bump to take off on an airplane. All right. We'll live.

All right. I love you, buddy. I love you, too, man. Call me from the call me from the ship if you can't. I love you, too, Joe. Absolutely. Love you, bro. I like you, love.

Everybody loves you. Goodbye. Goodbye, Joe. Goodbye. Great, guys. Really fucking great, guys. Joe Yonetti was the only guy in Boston. He saw me do a set and he was like, whoever you're not working for, we can take care of that. I'll get you. I'll recommend you for anyone you're not working for.

Wow. Same guy. Same with me. Wednesday night. He came back from LA after writing on New York, writing for the Rose O'Donnell show when it first was on the air. And he came back at his own. That it Wednesday night at the Collins. Put me up every Wednesday up every Wednesday no matter what He's like you just fucking come by you know what he was doing warm up for the view He recommended me to get that job and I took over his gig for like four years. I was amazing I don't get it. That's because the Lewis was trying to be like jump on our thing. What was that a bit? What was the joke? That was a bit No, it happened. It all happened. All right, let's go back to your fucking weird fucking thought. What the? Oh, the 1500.

I say this, that I told my wife, I go, look, if you have to make two grand a month, you'll make it. That's just the way we are. And you'll be able to tell me that. Be, if you got to make this money, just fucking make it. Here's the thing, is she, I go, look, if you have to work a waitress thing or whatever the fuck you're going to do, and I got to work and do whatever I have to do to make that money will do it.

It will happen. By the way you have told me that theory that I said that theory and I credit you with that so you just you shouldn't poop who him what he's saying because you said it to me. I was just pooping him on making his wife work more in order to afford the apartment. But I credit you with that. But I completely agree because she didn't even have to work. She didn't. I more gigs came in.

Something happened. I booked something and all of a sudden the money was fucking there. So it just when you when you I put yourself in the position where you have to do something, I believe you raise the same specific concept of the secret. I know. I believe that. So if you put yourself in a position where you don't have to make money, that to me can be dangerous. This is why I think I didn't understand that's what you meant. Right. So when I, when you

were saying dangerous, I thought you meant that it was like, is it just because you're not, no, because you're not going to want to like leave that scenario. You're just going to want to just say in that scenario the whole, the whole time, not so much of the work thing. Just it was kind of like a, you'll get complacent with that apartment and you won't try to get a bigger and better apartment. But he's a Jew. He's good with money and also he's basically paying the same rent he was before. But it is going to be hard to give that up because you know when you when you got something

like that that can go forever and you but you can't sublet it. You can't do other shit. It's hard. Kids hard to give you know it's really, kids, hard to give, you know, it's really, you should never get, it should be, you get good enough to where you could afford another apartment and that's just your secondary apartment. Like a place in Brooklyn, that's the place you keep in Manhattan.

Can he do that? Yes, he can, why not? Yeah, you can buy a place in LA or something. Yeah, as well, he does well financially. Okay, but here you got, here you are, now you get a chick, she's smoking hot. He has that. You want to get a bigger place.

You want a little more room. You don't want to live in a fucking studio. You want to live closer downtown. You want to live in Brooklyn. You want to yard. How do you give that up? But you do. I feel the same way with my current living situation.

With, with, I was like, I want to live in my girlfriend, but I'm like, I'm paying 540 bucks a month. That's fucking great. She's got her own room. And then I split the cable. So there's 50,000 people listening. I split the cable bill. I pay 40 bucks a month. I got fucking great. She's got her own room and then I split the cable. There's 50,000 people listening I split the cable bill. I pay 40 bucks a month. I got NHL network NBA network Major League baseball network HBO showtime

Exactly the opposite I pay out of my asshole. I live two blocks away And I barely have Netflix. I steal Netflix right so that's what I'm saying. That's why I'm talking more I live in the West Village. Oh, you live two bucks away from here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Well, I didn't consider it. Pay out of your fucking asshole, but you also live right here. I'm right here I can walk to the cell. I made that choice when I move I was like, you know I lived uptown and then when I moved back I'm like I want to live right in Midtown Manhattan. Yes, so it's worth it Because look in worth it just in taxis alone And you know money that I spend on taxis every fucking week is the difference between us living in Midtown

Living in Harlem. So there's really no difference Let's because you're a knucklehead. You don't leave on time that I spend on taxis every fucking week. Is the difference between us living in midtown or living in Harlem? So there's really no difference. Let's because you're a knucklehead. You don't leave on time. I never take taxis ever. No, I just can't. I don't have the queens on my dick caps. Insane, ADD.

I can't be on a subway platform waiting for a train. Any of the stations that don't have the timers? But that's what I'm saying. That's your problem. That's not because you live in Harlem. But the app actually tells you when the train's coming exactly. But it doesn't have that. Not every line.

And my phone does it absolutely. You take a fucking new phone. I have a fucking Android. It's the biggest seller besides iPhone. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, but why can't you get a better one? Because I did look into the Samsung. And you only...

I don't get mad, I'm just asking the question. I'm telling you, the secret would be to have the best phone and you'll make more money. The two Shay. The difference was more storage space, more battery life. telling you the secret would be to have the best phone then you'll make more money the the two shay The the difference was more storage space more battery life for me to spend literally six six hundred dollars versus 150 dollars on a phone for more battery life and more storage space made absolutely no sense why that's exactly why I do it Because it's better. I don't I don't run out of storage and the battery that is not 200 bucks. No, they're not sams. Are you crazy? I can get one for 200 bucks. The is the new Samsung is fucking $650.

You give the finance that shit. No. Tech talk with Bobby and Lou. It's not, it's a $600 phone and I got this one for 150. Is there anybody in the chat room? What in the chat room saying? Boring. And not actually the chat room is pretty good.

I like these guys. And they love you. They do love me. We have some comments back when a list showed his chest, fuck your TV says, disappointing to be honest. Ooh! What was it? Disappointing.

It was my chest. When you showed your stomach. Oh, showing off my stomach. I thought it was pretty good. I was disappointed. Oh, she made a bunch of bolly jokes about having the body of a child. I think I got a pretty good body.

Yeah. I would say I have the third best body in here. This thing's dumpy. Norman has like a weird secret body. I would think I, you know, I would say I have the third best body in here. This thing's dumpy. Norman has like a weird secret body that you don't know about. And Deepuke is shit I can tell. And the- We're doing all right. Bobby.

What the fuck, man? I'm saying it's fine. I'm not making a joke. I'm just saying if we're gonna rank. All right, what else we got? And Lewis, in his body, he's fat. He is. He's fat.

It's not true. This is what bugs me about, Lewis. You say that to his fat. It's not true. This is what bugs me about Lewis. You say that to the scale. It's not true. Okay, what else we got? Back when we were talking about comedy clips. What the fuck is in the chat live? Okay, I mean, it's just right now.

Now, I want to hear this thought though. We're gonna go back to Deepo's chat and my chat. So let's go to Deepo, let's go to my chat right now. What's that? I eat on, Clancy says Bobby's fat. That's it. Why would you not go to that? Why would you not go to that?

Much funnier. My chat is always funnier than your chat. Go ahead. Element Tarot says, note four is $700. Oh, look at that. It's like note four is $700. Oh, look at that. It's like note four is $700. So get the note three. It's two.

But it doesn't matter. This one's one, what does it matter? It's a better phone. It doesn't, you're a status guy. You're a fucking status guy. No, I'm a fucking status guy. You're a status guy. I'm a tech guy and you phone's going.

You analyze it. You should go fucking be on the West Coast together. Ever since you got the show, you've been really weird, man. Go ahead. What's next? What was the comedy club? Don't, just go to the next one. Be on the west coast together ever since you got the show you've been really weird man. Go ahead. What's next? What was the comedy clothes? Just go to the next one. Tokyo TV says Lewis but Lewis's body looks like he's carrying a child It's not true. All right. Go to your chat. It's Kelly writing in

Paul Dean Joe's back when we were talking about comedy club. We get it. Yeah What did he say what's the comedy club I'm done he's cutting me off I know it's called being funny go ahead come on as he now um he's Paul Jean Doe says the truth so many comedians say why don't they do it like the seller because Louis CK isn't dropping in oh lol and it's not a cue outside see well they tell me gonna drop it every night so So, ah, that's also, I know they're fucking a little bit. I had a, that person pointed out that I had a great point. And then she pooped. Um, no, but that's not true either.

You, the reason we say he drops into the comedy seller is because they do it right. Okay. It's not because he just started fucking doing it. No, the clubs to do it wrong. The reason that people don't fucking talk about LOL is because they do it wrong. And other comics talk about how they do it. That's what I said. They did. That's what I'm saying. They do it wrong. They don't know what the fucking e-spool of LOL is because they do it wrong and other comics talk about how they do it wrong. That's what I said. That's what I'm saying. They do it wrong. They don't care about it. But what I'm saying is there's a comedy club that's open like, like, no, it says that they're just a comedy club,

so they're open for two hours. They're trying to make the money. They're not kicking anyone out because they desperately need that drink money. Whereas the seller goes, you talk, get the fuck out of here. We don't care if you're doing it. I don't know if it's exactly that clear as that. I don't know I think no the people at the seller care about the show I don't know if they're going like oh well we have enough people so now we can care about the show more I don't agree with well I think it is a prestige of the seller this literally been comedy clubs that are like we can't throw them out We need the customers. Yeah, but they're not doing it right and they will never be where the sellers at okay I'm saying people look look the stand did it right I was there when the stand opened up

I lived two blocks from there. Those guys had nobody there. Even though I fucking hate to say they fucking did it right. They legit amazing. They made it, they do the checks at the end. If people are talking, they fucking go immediately and tell them to shut the fuck up. They made sure every aspect of it was geared toward the comedians and the audience having the best show possible. And they're now the second best spot of the city. They didn't have, they didn't have the audience members there originally so they did make this if they needed to be people just as much as the next guy needs the people but they made the decision to do it right so it's not

about i'm not justifying what they're doing i'm saying that's why they're doing i'm saying that's why they do it though that's why comedy certain comedy clubs don't get below because they're like i need to have no more yelling on the podcast anymore i didn't yell I'm cute. This stand also had some big gruppens too Well, the standard are right because they actually they courted comedians. Yes, they courted They went after the next guys that were coming up right and they treated him great They get my home That's exactly right and then they courted the big comedians, okay?

And they always make them feel fucking wanted. And everyone comes to their- Like if you come here. And then no, and then they go on social media, and they're fucking throwing these photos and Instagram. And people are like, shit, man, where's this place? Other than- Bill Burr.

Exactly. And so if Bill went there and, whoever sees that fucking, where's that? I want to fuck. Why can't I get up? And then they go there. Well, it's also your buddies.

You'll go there, you'd be like, oh dude, I fucking had a burger at this place. It was great. Oh, that's that new club. You talk about it in a very positive light. And then everyone goes, I want to go and check that out. But when you're talking about it in a negative light where it's all just tourists, there's a lot to.

I don't like the fact that when I go there, I don't immediately get asked if I want to go up. Oh, is that why I don't like the fact that when I go there, I don't immediately get asked if I should if I want to go up Oh, that's why I don't that's why I don't go there interesting. I don't go there because they won't book me No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I go all the time because they're book me and I'm grateful for it And I love them and if you guys are listening, I can't thank you. It is let me just kill it. It is a great club I really do and what's your name that rounds it? What's your name? Christina no Christina and who is the other girl? A Dell. A Dell fucking man.

Oh, and they're the hottest wait-ts-downs. Oh my god, yes. Okay, so on the only higher hop, you know. A Dell wacky. A Dell. I'm actually chewing a little gum because I got an email or a text about a tweet about stop chewing fucking gum. Yes, so that actually.

Yeah, so I have, I put a little gum in just for you, baby. Ah, anyways, what else is in the chat room? Fuck you TV says, did you guys hear about Bieber? Yes being the new roast Oh He's getting roasted by comedy central, which is insane that big of a celebrity. Oh, I'm gonna submit to that But that's insane. They were wondering if anyone's like be willing for the one is the one is the a date to Yeah, I think he was a shit dude. Yeah, bearded Justin Bieber. Yeah, yeah Yeah, what he's 20-year-old 100 million there who wouldn't be an asshole?

Yeah, I mean lucky Yeah, when you were 20 think about all the stupid shit you did yeah You used to know the world watching you you didn't have a hundred million dollars if you had an unlimited amount of money to do Whatever the fuck you want whenever you wanted you wouldn't be an asshole, but why do you like them? But I'm an asshole with the fucking few grand in the bag. So I understand what you're saying. I know, I thought that I like him because he's an asshole. I don't think he's an asshole.

That's what I'm trying to say. I think he's just a normal kid who's learning how to live life. You don't think Eggman's neighbor's house who cares. Yeah. But you never, I do an Eggman Joe list. He's one of my best friends. I guarantee you. I guarantee.

If you hang out with him for a fucking afternoon, if you went with him for a night somewhere, like a couple days, you know, I guarantee you like this guy's a fucking idiot. I guarantee you, but like I just fucking kids am fucking asshole. Yeah, because I've got some speeding down the East River on a jet ski this kid.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I got models at the club. There's been two checks with the wrong person. But to this, Angel is only hanging around with you. That's the closest idea of like a million dollar hang. Jet skis in the East River. That's just filthy fucking water. That's what it's about to promise them.

Some day we make so much money, Lewis. We get Jet ski going to East River. I don't need my father's car face. If you wanted, you could go on a boat in Queens. Wow. I mean, I had the initial thing. I think I should get some credit for that Who what was that thing that somebody rob somebody? Someone asked if Mark could tell a story about the old woman that Mark nob's last week. Is that a thing?

You fucked it all woman. There's other mob. Oh, I got blown by an old woman. You got blown by an old She was a crazy night. I'll tell you. I got one, say, how old? Yeah, what's old to you? I want to say 16. Scope a hold your mom. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. Where? Arlington, Virginia.

Arlington, fucking, Virginia. Did the draft house have a crazy night? I got three girls back to my hotel. They were in like a, what do you call those? Like a hovercraft? I guess you. They were in like a groupcraft? I guess he. They were like a group together.

They were like swinging. Oh, the purple hats. Swinging groups. The swing or the swingers. Like a meetup group. Yeah, you're coming. Yeah. Yeah, one of the meetups.

Yeah, John Feverro. So they're going to meet up. I got all but it was a hot white chick, a hot black chick, and an old lady. 66 I'd say. Yeah, okay. And I was talking to them all night and they were super annoying, super whatever.

While you were doing your show. No, no, after the show, we was thinking out with them. And so I was like, At the place or somewhere else? At a different bar. So you took these girls to a different bar? Yeah, okay.

And they, after while they were so annoying, I knew I could probably hook up, but I was like, I'd rather just leave. Like that's how annoying they were. Okay. And so I was like, I'm gonna go leave. Like, that's how annoying they were. Okay. And so I was like, I'm gonna go back to my hotel and I go, we're going with you. And that was it.

They come back two or each other out. I'm like, high five in people, I'm dancing. It's a great night. Where there's dudes there too? No, just me. You and three chicks. Yeah. Did they all blow you?

No, no, just the whole lady. And they didn't touch you at all. No, it turns out one of them was married. And so if you can just eat each other's box. So other's box rather eat pussy in a touch your your little day Yeah, and the black chick was a lesbian and hated boycott probably probably yeah, I support charade What thank you and then then the old chick was the only one left so she said what so large march that me Tell me please tell me you didn't have to kiss her fucking smelly dentures. Nothing, no kissing.

You didn't kiss her. You didn't kiss her. She said she didn't think for domination. Really? She, I let her dominate. Domations, dogs. She was the old lady. Correlative, you fired him.

You got a knob job from Correlative, so what she said to you, dude. So you go back to the room, the other two ladies eat each other out. Yeah. So so you had a you never king you had a double bed. I had two doubles. Yeah. Oh, you're not there yet Listen Darlington they don't have kings. Well when I go. It's a mandatory. Ah, so that's me I knew that was coming as soon as I said it. I was like here it comes so need a king bed and a rail in the bathtub You need that for your dates. Hey, I'm thinking of getting blown tonight. Can I have one of those handicap rooms?

That is. I was gonna do a jitterbug call back, but we're past it. So, so you're back in the room? Yeah. Now these girls, are you in here? I'm doing where are you naked? No, I was just watching Sippin sip in a beer watching these two girls make out And they all lady was trying to get in but they were like boxing her out. There's no ramp

They were boxing around know why they were boxing around because they didn't want to have to lick that dusty snatch that box Yeah, I don't want to hurt a pale off her fucking pajama bottoms, right? And she didn't want a thing to do with me I think she was more into these chicks Yeah, cuz that's why they joined these groups because they're like how do I cook up with girl so she you you were the fat chick. Yes I was the fat I was my place. I was the fat chick like I'll show shelter you guys So you you gave me roof and some beers yeah, and they were eating each other out was it and sexy watching them eat each other I took a photo. I sent it to you. I don't have a photo. Can I see it? I don't have any more you guys a fucking lion

I got a new phone. Can I see it? I don't have it anymore. You guys are fucking lying. I swear to God, I sent the photo. I'll try to watch it. But it was, we just, we just, why? How do you guys delete photos? I got a new phone. I got a new phone. Come on. I got a lot of photos.

It's on the cloud. Yeah, proud of you. I'll get it for you if you want it. Please. All right, so now this old lady, what does she say to you? So she's just, she's kind of like pouting on my bed. Really? Like, oh, they're going out of blah, blah, blah.

And she was old, so I wasn't like going after it. I was just blown away. These two girls are going at it. So I was I was satisfied. Right. And then they all decided to leave. They're getting all like a fight. They all decided to leave. They all leave. Thanks. Wait a minute. Why did they get a fight? The black chicken, the white chick, I was like a race war. I don't know. No, what happened? Something happened. I can't remember like she say oh this smells like syrup Oh, no By the way when there's this much blanking in a story you know something weird fucking happen that more trying to I mean

I was hammered the old chick was trying to get in they hated the old chick But they almost joking here. Okay. Were they in the same hotel or they somewhere else? They were they lived there Okay, so now they have a car downstairs. All three cars or one car. Well, it came in one car. One car. So now they get into a fight, the black, now they're eating pussy and someone's, something happened.

So was it racial? No, it was a racial. It was a little uncomfortable, a little something. One of them was like, I can't keep doing this. Yadi, yadi, yadi. Oh, the boyfriend has been saying. Something like that, yeah. So she got a conscience.

You got a conscience. And then they get up, all right, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And then you're sitting there, fuck, what's going on? I'm sitting there and all of them leave the old chicks like I don't be in the room with you either right so you start jerking on front of the mirror saying your own name Yelling clips and funny jokes. I was facing Becca yelling all off yeah, and screaming at charade You want the fuck that you want some of this? How fucking smack your face? You don't run the light bitch Fucking grab my face. I'll fucking grab your face you can't

You're a little tattering at the door. Excuse me, Sunny. I forgot my cane. Well, that's what happened Apparent this is how bad it got the two younger brods sped off and left her wow So she's there in the lot of placement. She's trying to catch a cab, you know? And there's nothing going on for it. So, handy cab cab. There's no horse and buggy. There's no van cabs. Ha ha ha. Uh, geez.

Okay, so. So, I'd lay in there, I'm watching, you know, whatever. And, Only Schumer Special. I'm taking notes. My name is Schumer Special. And, Yeah, boss.

No, there's a Ratatat on the door. She's got a night gap on the candle. And I go, what's going on? And my first thought was like, oh, fuck. I just hear it to take you to the past to see all your mistakes. Ghost of pussy past. So I let her in and she's like, oh, I couldn't

get a cab. I'm tired. Yeah, she needs a nap. I didn't make it to the elevator I'm my blood sugar is low Give me orange juice. I luckily admit a mussel So she's like in a hoff she's like oh, she's like goes right in the bed and like pulls the covers over And it's like you're kidding me holy shit. All right, so that I'm laying in my other double and I go to bed. we both go to bed. I wake up, she's in my bed, the sun's out, you know,

the whole thing, and I'm like, oh, lights, the lights are coming. Yeah, and it's like old lady no makeup. Yeah, they wake up at like 5'30 in the morning. Yeah, she was doing a crossword puzzle. And, Sure, she knitted you a sweater. Yeah, yeah.itted you a sweater.

She had a lot of hard candy. So she's laying in my bed and I'm just like, I'm still drunk. I'm like, ah, she's here. So I just start squeezing stuff, you know. And watch. You could tell she was like a hot young chick. Like she was playing with her back fat. She was playing with her liver spots.

And one, two, three. All right, so you're trying to snap a bra. Try to look as 900 clamps. Yeah. All right, so your kiss and bend Franklin go. Yeah. All right, all right. You go with rubber hair and some of it

comes out in your hand. You scream go. All right, keep chilling, where's the beef? Right. And it's meant teeth. Where's my teeth? All right, go ahead. So I keep trying to like kiss her.

Oh, what's the fucking difference? What is a big difference between fucking? That's a kiss in somebody's asshole. Well, she kept, she looked like one of those dogs with all the wrinkles. You know, I'm feeling like, well, she looked like an old lady. There you go. As you look like you're about to kiss a fucking old cunt. She looked like bitter beer face. And so she keeps moving away.

Yeah, cuz she's like, this kid's out of his mind. I guess, kid lost it. What the fuck, why did you want to kiss me? She didn't remember what somebody's trying to kiss her, it was like, it's been 30 years. She was actually the one that my breath smells like peps it into She was the woman when we won World War two and Times Square So all right, so she's got a big blue diamond she wants to throw into the river She won't let me kiss her. I'm like all right. What I try for like a man these aliens come and take a rub into

fucking space Come on Yeah, we knew that we got so she won't let me get I'm like all right whatever so I just roll over the other way I'm like fuck you got in bed with me. I'm just gonna go roll over so you guys having to fight your first fight I guess so yeah, but your first and last she fucking died probably honey So she wrote I roll over and then she as I roll over she whips me back out around the other way, right? She's your nickel. Hey, you got a little boy pulled out of the air So she whips me over she like gets up top. He pulls my pants off, undoes the belt and just starts blowing me.

That's your ironing your pants for you? Amazing BJ, unbelievable. Of course, there's no teeth. No teeth and no limits. Just no inhibitions is going at it. I'm finishing like four minutes. Just shoot it all over the place. She takes every gulp bit. You've come to an old lady hair? No, no, right in the mouth. She never moved. She took it all over the place. She takes every gulp bit. Are you come to an old lady hair? No, no, right in the mouth. She never moved. She took it all.

Took it all and didn't- She needs the vitamins. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- a dick, she wanted the youth, it's like a witch. Right. So she's, and he was one of those, you know when a girl usually you choose to kind of like flinch a little like big weird face. Oh, she is, she's 97. Nothing's been doing it for 75 years. I think she blew Dean Martin or something like she was a fucking pro and then I was like, oh my God, that was wild.

And then she was like, yeah, you know, wiped her mouth and left. She wiped her mouth and left. That was it. Yeah, that's crazy. her mouth and left. She wiped her mouth and left. That was it. Yeah, that's crazy. You went and got the early bird. Yeah, you should have hung out this afternoon. You got a discount on the movies.

I know. Did you have an old lady name? Never got the name. Did you have a guy that had a name? Pete's a Meredith. Alga. Yeah, yeah, Gladys. I don't know.

You never got that the best not keeping the name. I love it, dude. I was fucking a check one time from behind. And then I just whispered her and I was like, what's my name? And she goes, I don't know. I was like, oh perfect. I came right inside of her. That's how we made James.

That's because she didn't want you to do it. Yeah. And she still has nine more years to report you. Yeah, that statement is just ridiculous. That's just scary. What's the only person that would get that is Bill Cosby? That's what's my name. She was like, please don't hurt me. How about Ben Cromer? I had a great joke. He goes, this has been a weird year. I just found out my all-time favorite rapist is a comedian. How about fucking what's his name? He's really pissed at Cosby.

Chris Rock? No. How about fucking what's his name? He's really pissed at Cosby. Chris Rock? No. Hannibal. Oh, no, no, no, no. He had Appetown. He's fear. Oh, what happened there?

I didn't read that. He is fucking, he is fucking not having any of it. Yeah. What's that, what happened with that? Oh, no, what did he say? Well, it's like, it was comedy hero, and he's got daughters. I don't know.

He's all worried. And so he's released a blog or what? He's on every podcast. He calls in and talks about it. He might call this one. Boy, he's outraged, huh?'s released a blog or what he's on every podcast he calls in and talks about it Oh, wow boy. He's outraged, huh nice guy that great guy Some people open the door open the door with him one time the seller. Yeah, we had a Trevor saying that you're fucking credit. Yeah, the one time was walking out I opened the door Hey, he mentioned I got to take it. You know, right? Yeah, he mentioned that to me

He's a big-ass guy with the weird hair really opens the door. What's that girl's name? I said big fan. He's us. Thank you. Oh, what's he gonna say? Fuck off. Yeah, well, he's a nice guy So no wouldn't be one of you tied a bandana around your wrist I Ironic he is he is Joe Napa tell you well He actually came down a lot of people who's given him shit because he was doing spots or whatever and it's like Are you out of your mind? He came lot of people was giving him shit because he was doing spots or whatever. And it's like, are you out of your mind? He came down and- Who was giving him shit?

Just some comics. He was calling in every spot. Calling in. He was putting his avails, you know. Calling in putting his avails, doing his fucking time, I won't bump anybody. Which Mark Norman loves, you know, and he's going to win that.

Not going over the leg. Doing this time and he was writing funny fucking jokes. And then also getting there and then just making sure that everyone has to get out of a Certain time he would ask yes, I want to make sure that he wasn't getting any So fucking Amy came in one night and said you need you can just bump people right and he's still oh can I you to yeah Fucking god damn it. Then he bumped me. Yeah, no, I'm kidding Then you you called him and you said don't ever fucking do that again

Yeah, and then he pushed my face against the wall and pushed it said what motherfucker and I back? And I backed down and I coward. It's pretty good. All right, well listen, this has been a fantastic show. We're gonna wrap it up. What? I gotta run. Okay, you can say that. Well, I wanted to just give my listen live Toronto fans. Well, yeah, we can do a,

well, fucking like two minutes over. Can you just make two seconds? My baby's the resencers. Okay, what do you got, Lewis? This Saturday night, Toronto, seven people. Don't bang. Nobody bar. 9 p.m. Okay, what do you got Lewis this that are a night Toronto Seven P. Don't bank buddy bar nine p.m Comedy underground cafe puff mamas 420 friendly show nine o'clock. That's everybody live right now

Make sure you go if you're in Toronto spread the word let everybody know that he's gonna be there Don't show us a Saturday night. So make sure you check him out. Lewis Gomez Joe game Jay go. Whoo. Something smells like marijuana. All right. So that was a great show guys. Thanks for showing up, Lewis. Sorry you're too early for once. Clock sucker. We never I never heard talk about that

though. Yeah, we'll talk about it next week. He said some mean shit while you were downstairs. He mean he wouldn't be with the appreciator. What do you say? I have no idea. I'm not gonna listen to my own show. Me and human being. We didn't appreciate it. What do you say? I have no idea. I'm not gonna listen to my own show. Anyways, Mark, thanks for coming back on, bro.

I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. I love it here. Yeah, it was great, man. What do you get going on besides a lot of shit? I hate to be like, when does this come out? Monday. This is out now live.

Okay. The video and the actual audio version on iTunes will be out Monday. And we're doing a little preview too, so we might add whatever you have in there. We'll start adding plugs in the preview. So, go ahead. Yeah, follow me on Twitter at Mark Norm

and I'm at the punchline San Francisco this weekend. If you're watching live and the next weekend, I'll be at Providence. Our Comedy Connections. Comedy Connections. Two of my favorite clubs. Oh, yeah. The Providence Comedy Connection is,

I was there for New Year's, those guys are great, and they run a fucking awesome, I mean, that club, man, do I love playing there. Oh, great, I can't do that. I love doing shows there. It's so good, dude, you can have a blab, you been there before? No, no, no.

You're gonna fucking, what a, I'm blue. Even though the owner's girlfriend hates me for some reason, that was weird, you ever have that situation? Yeah. Will you meet somebody and they, like their girl doesn't like you, but you didn't know. Like, you don't know what you did.

Yes. I walked up at the end, I was like, hey, what's going on? I was like, already for, hey, that was great. And she just looked at me like she, like I punched a dog or something. Right. Maybe you slept with her like before you even.

No, no, I don't even know her. Don't even know her. And I was like, hey man, I just walked away. I was like, I don't know why. He was like, no, it's not you, it's her, which means it's you, like you did something. Right. I don't know, but they're fucking great.

Both those guys are awesome. All right. And the club is insane. The staff is great. So in the punchline, San Fran is the shit. Molly's awesome. Oh, she's the best. Fucking love doing that club. Yeah, I'm pretty excited and listen to our podcast man Joe list. Yeah, well, this is the name you dumb dumb Tuesdays with stories everybody. I know you guys got a you guys won an award too

Congratulations. Yeah, where are we? We didn't win war. We got a list look. Oh happy Joe got we got an award No, no, we were we were we were right third behind Karola and Marin. I slept at the editor. I know. Come on. What are you doing? We all we all figured something out about that. Yeah. He's a surprise. Now everybody knows. We haven't told anybody. All right. Joe, what do you got? Well, listen to my podcast Tuesdays with stories. It's on iTunes. It's on SoundCloud. It's on Stitcher. All that bullshit. And yeah, check it out. A lot of you guys already listened to it. We appreciate it.

I think that's a big part of our fan base. So thank you, Robert. April 16, 17th and 18th, I'll be the comedy nest of In Montreal, Best City in America. The week before that, April 10th and 11th, I'll be at City Steam in Hartford, and then the weekend after that, after the Montreal Tilly's out of order.

But April 22nd, 23rd, 24th, I'll be at Side Splitters in Tampa, which is fun. So Tampa, Montreal, Hartford, all in April, big bunch of April. I know it's a little ways up, but you're gonna make plans in advance. And follow me at Twitter at Jolest Comedy

and listen to my podcast for God's sakes, please. I have so little. It's a good one. Yeah, you guys have a great podcast. We'd love to have you on sometime. Yeah, I will definitely. I'm around for a little while, while so I will come in but I do my show on Tuesdays I know we should have we we did one earlier today. We came straight from there I will I you know I'm I do my therapy at 1245 right next to the club. Yeah

But what time do you do your show? We do it different time It's always rage because marks get a real career. Why don't we do an 11 in the morning. I'd love you to 11 Alright, let's work that out doing 11 and then I'll just'd love you to do that. I'd love you to do that. Alright, let's work that out doing 11 and then I'll just go to therapy from there. We would love to do that. That's only an hour, right? Yeah, it's an hour. Okay, cool.

Alright, cool. What do I got, Scopo? This weekend, if you're listening live, you'll be a bananas and has burqai, it's Friday, Saturday night. Then January 31st at the Cabaret Theater in Mohegan Sun. Boboam. February 21st, Uncle Vinnie's. And that's one night you can only do in there.

Yeah. And then the three March 16th and 17th, all in Draft House. Okay, great. Nice. I think there's more gigs, but I don't know. I'm doing one in Tampa. There's a few things we're doing, but anyways, go to robbercallylive.com.

Right now it's my new website. I just put up for you guys. Thanks to the genius magic web master Kurt Iverson. Right in the front page, you can order and pre-order my special. Robbercally live at the village underground. The unedited longer version, no beeps, the way it was meant to be watched, right there, pre-order minimum donation, five bucks, which means you can give more if you want and people have, which I appreciate.

Spread the word about that, tell your friends to buy it, and also make sure you go to the Comedy Central app or website and watch it right now They have it on demand on Comedy Central the robber Kelly at the village live from the village on the ground Make sure you watch Eliza Eliza's lesson just special on Netflix go check it out and let her know that you saw you listened from here And also check out my Twitter my Instagram all that shit. That's on the new website. I want to, hey, there he is. Look at that kid. Hi, Baba. Did you like the, uh, the gift I gave him? Yeah. I was watching that book. I got him. Let's see him. Put him

on that. He likes my gift better, right? Hey, James, did you like the gift I got you? I got him first. What'd you get me? I Mine's better. Mine had a pad with this. There's no way you guys got him. I got him with you. All right anyways what else do I got? Do I have to put on anything else? Oh make sure you check out the brand new podcast, the laugh button podcast right here on the Riotcast Network. We just added them. It's going to be an amazing show. So make sure you check that out. What else? What else? My Twitter. I'll go go ahead. Get me on my Twitter. I always plateau with a certain number. Yeah, I go fucking listen. Go follow this fucking asshole Please if even if you're gonna mute him after you follow something follow me something give me a thousand at least Yeah, we got to get you over here. Kelly is 18 million followers. She was on it for a couple years

And she has big boobs. I mean deep. What do you got? I got nothing just follow them on Twitter R2 D Poo. We got some potting chat follow up from the mark story. All right, let's go Well, and on these yeah, Aiden Clancy says after a Shorod beat him only mark is only comfortable around 68 year old granny's Half ogre that was terrible Half ogre says Norma gets blown in the shower by seated grannies Eel says fuck her and crack open and ensure I like that one fuck your TV says did her mouth feel like the inside of a shoe perhaps I Would know and

you I wouldn't know and tried Making that would have sent me to your home away. Don't we are doing you nuts? Don't kiss me, right my breath smells like cauliflower and butter Scotch and jizz James just said hi Joe. I couldn't hear him. Yeah, he's called you mama. Hi, Baba. I don't know Hi, where's called you mama. Hi, Baba. I don't know. Hi. Where's dad? Da? Where's dad? Da? He's a head job. Dave, Dave, what do you want to be a dad?

He is a good boy. You're scaring him. God, I love that kid. Hi, buddy. He's so precious. I love you. No, I can't wait till him and Max play together. This fight? Yeah. No, I don't want to fist fight you asshole. I want to be friends. Well Louis is training to fight. That's great. Hi buddy. Okay, there you go. That's what you should do. What a adorable kid. Alright, anyways, that's it for the show.

You guys are amazing. We're trying to upgrade this stuff every week. The video. I hope you guys are liking it. If you like it, please subscribe to the YouTube page and like it and tell your friends about the YouTube page and the podcast go to ryecast.com for the fucking greatest podcasts on the planet earth and Make sure that you support our sponsors Support our sponsors and mostly support these guys that come in here go to their live shows tell me from this podcast You know what dude and that's why you're a fan and and and and go and laugh because that's what we do Stand up as our main thing we do this just entertain you even more and that's it. Thanks for listening. You know what?

You've been listening to the YKWD podcast Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free. Hey, what's going on? When you're ready to buy a car, true car is changing car buying forever. Yes, true car helps car buyers get rid of the fear that they might overpay. Every day true car users

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