Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Eat My P

Episode Date: December 5, 2016

This week on YKWD: we have Jessica Kirson, Paul Virzi, and Justin Smith. On a rainy evening in Greenwhich Village, we converse with Jessica about working closely with Robert Deniro, learn about the game "how long can you last" from Paul, and hear about bombing at the Apollo with Justin! Watch / Listen and enjoy! RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Can I get a microphone? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down, and sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's ten-no-topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin! That's not what a host does! You want a day-to-day thing?

My podcast is popular enough where I might affect some of these lines. You never know Yep, thank you Lily. Thank you Lily coffee Lily coffee right there Lily. MVP of the show already. MVP. I'm digging at D Poo's here. Yo. I'm here. Lawrence here.

Lawrence Tune some shit out to you guys. We're live right now. We're doing extra live episode. This will be, you know, so we can take a fucking week off. We're doing two feet this week on a Tuesday, two for Tuesday. Right. Right. And you want to be louder? We're doing two feet this week on a Tuesday two for Tuesday, right? And You want to be louder?

No, I was turning there's like a little static I hear and I think it's from my phone channel, so I'll turn it down. It's cool. All right, we'll check it out. We got a great show tonight. I'm very excited. We're all a little exhausted. The earlier show took a lot out of me,

mentally, physically, and spiritually. That's just a fucking, too many people. I mean, it was a good show. It's a great show, but it was too, it wound up too many fucking people in the room again, but this show, you know, three. We're trying to do three. We're trying to do three and maybe some walk-ins.

So anyways, we're very excited. Who's on the show tonight? Who's gonna answer that question? I want you to answer it. Okay. Well, we have Justin Smith on the show today. Yes. Justin Smith actually worked with me in Comedy Works Denver. He is a friend of another good friend of my Nick Schwartzson who I love dearly And who else do we got we have Paul Versey my pal fucking love Versey man What the fuck kind of people are they don't he is the wow If him if you he had a helium balloon That's fucked many most

But yeah, that was close. We all figured out that I don't do voices or songs. You do songs, you songs are brilliant. You do, you do, good songs. Yeah, so fuck you, you'll be hearing deep whose songs this episode. You want more songs out of you. That's right. Yeah, we, me and Verzy, we had such a great time. We came over to my, the cigar shed a couple times this week.

And we smoked some bats and talks and shit. We actually did a podcast that's on for premium members. Oh shit. So how do you become a premium member? No, you download the app. You go premium that way. How, where's the app? The app is available on the iOS store,

the Google Play store, and available in your browser. If you're on YouTube, the links are on the description, but you can just look up. Kelly's You Know What Dude amp. Just go to the app store. You know what dude app and download it. Subscribe. $199 a month. Premium members. We have the creeps of kids up there, the video, the podcast video. Now I'm starting to do these one-on-ones. I'm going to be doing one-on-ones next week and over the vacation so they're gonna be popping up for you premium members. We're gonna be getting these one-on-ones that I think are pretty fucking

interesting. The one I did with Virzy was funny. I went a half we did. We couldn't stop yapping. He is one funny dude. Who else do we have on? Oh and our last guest today is Jessica Kursa. Lover. Yes. One of my favorites. I love Jessica. She's, you know, she's this last year I've done a lot in the business to make me so happy to see her succeed and have great things happen to her. And she's hilarious and she's fucked doesn't give a fuck, you know. I'll leave you known in Jessica. I've known her for a while dude. I mean years at the seller, you know and You know she's just goes up on stage and loses her fucking mind

Every time excuse me sorry for burping. I don't know what the fuck I got something wrong with me, man. It's called dr. Steve today. I don't know what it is. I did this something like here like in my throat Down here something like here, like in my throat, down here, near the, is this a clavicle? I have a clavicle? A shop address? No. Can you not? Leave the medical terms to me, Lauren. Thank you. I don't want to be mean, but you're absolutely right.

Yeah, at least. Yeah, if I want shopping at Vatnom, that's so massage. I know. I have to get like Indian background music while I store giving medical talks. Oh my God. I can do it for you We did I yeah, Bobby. I believe you're talking about your Adams Apple. Let's get into this

We know we are we got new segments on the show First up we got which I kind of like it's called good fan bad fan where we take Good things that fan have said said the buzz said about it said about us fuck something wrong with me Stop talking cigars and so I'm used to paper. Sorry. That was real loud. Yeah, that hurt people's ears. I'm sorry. I don't think broke You know your phone broke. Yeah, I thought I fucked up again. I We uh, well, we take good good things people said about us. Yeah. It's like all of a sudden something has pushed up this way.

Maybe I've answered reflux. I don't know what it is. Wait, when people say good things, you feel something in your throat? No, no, no. I just hope I'm not dying. Okay. I hope because I haven't had a car, but I've been doing so good, and I've been trying to work out.

And if I fucking flop now, no more cigars. Hmm, fuck you. No more. Then blow me you, then blow me. Okay, give me something. Play with something. Just to have it a hand job in your heart. Oh, you know what's that? That's your Christmas present.

Just kidding. That's Yankee Swap ever. What if I just blow everyone? I'm giving you, everybody gets 999 blow jobs. Go ahead, jobs. What's it got to come to Jersey? We're going to do it right here. We're going to fucking move it out there. Make a million.

Listen, here's the deal. Yankee Swap, that motherfucker's going behind the paywall, by the way, so you've got to be a premium member. Fuckers, Merry Christmas. What about live? It'll be live. Yeah, if you want to watch it live, of course you can have it. But here's the deal.

These special shows, you know, if you're a fan of the show and you listen for free, every 10 episodes are always free. You can take them. But you got to just become a member. Just hit the button, get the app. You can still listen on your iTunes app. You don't have to use the app if you don't want to put the premium contents up there. So make sure you do it.

If you're a fan of the show, just do it. It's, it's well worth $1.99 a month. But we got a good fan, bad fan. We read stuff of the good things fans have said. And of course, bad things. Which, you're off sides. It's time for some good fan, bad fan. All right. So our first good fan, I love how I get laughed at when I try and just roll with it. That's hilarious to me. Buddy, it's not professional here. I get a call yesterday about, from Bob, like you don't telegraph anything, dude, it's

gotta be smooth, and then you laugh. Buddy, I can't help when it's funny. I try, I look at Eddie, it's funny. It's a compliment, but. It's funny how much I try. Buddy, it's, listen, first of all, it's great. It's the stuff you do is great Please you have to take look if I'm gonna stop I haven't stopped you can't don't stop never stop I

Feel record that we both had the same joke. I'm not funny. I agree with that. I'm not funny Can't stop one stop. I tried to say it and she oh god good. Let's go. Maybe she's a she's a pro tried to say it and she got good let's go maybe she's a she's a pro and i have a i'm funny i got a right let's do this what do we have to think we're funny before we get that already funny uh... actually no we shouldn't have to do that ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Last laugh, triple X on iTunes says, he loses a 5 star review for you Bob. First of all, I love the name. Go ahead.

Last laugh, triple X, he says, I was a late adopter of YKWD, but instantly fell in love with it, and it's my favorite podcast to listen to. Woo! That's great. Woo! What a great fan. Yay! Great fan, you definitely get that sound effect. Okay, our first bad fan says it's by a

YouTube comment. There's a trend by the way. So all the good fans are five star reviews on iTunes. Right. All the bad fans are YouTube comments. So sometimes a little crossover. Okay, well, we don't have to explain it. Let's just do it. I mean, what do you fucking want to do? A magic trick and tell me how you do it? Let's just do it without your Indian anal technique. Joey on the board says, is there a way, is there any way Rydoon can disappear in seven seconds? Who gets a fuck about Vine? I know Vine. It's six seconds, so he fucked up the joke,

which annoys me. Yes, it's like, look, man, you almost had me. I love right, dude. I love you to death, right? You know that, but that would have been a funny joke. If he fucking, is there any way he could, oh God, what a fucking idiot. It's six seconds, you jackass.

Seven seconds bugs me. The fact that you didn't do the research, go ahead. All right, all right, so there you go. We got another, let's do another good one. Let's do another good fan. Well, I got one here. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. What do we call those? Well, I think we'll decide and then we give the sound effect. Okay, mystery. All right, so mystery. MdoE says Donald J. Trump, Tim J. Dylan, Lewis J. Gomez, Greatness, or coincidence. Oh, Coincidence.

Wow, I don't know. I think it's Greatness. I would have to go with the two of those people. Two of those people are great. One of them is a real fucking lunatic. One of them also has a J in the middle name. Right, there you go. So it's a good fan or a bad? I think we throw that one out. I don't think that's it. I, there you go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's a good fan or a bad? I think we throw that one out. I don't think that's it. I don't think it's good or bad. I think it was in the middle somewhere. I don't know. That was mystery land. What else you got?

There we go. Someone says Williams Henrique says, this show is going to be so much better once Deepo is out. Good Lord. He is terrible. Hi. That's a good fan. I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's fucking terrible. Jesus Christ. Don't fuck with my Deepu, motherfucker. No, don't fake. Stick up for me, the fucking. If he left from yours, that's a pretty good deal.

We're going to throw asses on your face a week ago, but I love these all right good deeps All right, well that that's a mean one, but you know that was just here's probably that one that was just that was a statement That's a very confident prediction that was first of all that wasn't even trying to be funny at least the six seventh second guy Was trying to be funny this guy was just going fuck. I can't wait till he's gone. That's just mean So that was definitely a bad fan. What else you got? We have give me a good fan. Oh Let's end on a good fan Joe mama says the demo

Stop what is his name Joe mama God do I love this guy? Joe mama do you know fucking great that is to say dude? I want my screen name to be Joe mama God do I love this guy? Joe mama, do you know how fucking great that is to say dude? I want my screen name to be Joe mama God damn it. I wish I thought of that and he was the first one too, which is weird It's not weird. This guy is fucking what a fucking genius For sure, go ahead. Did you have screen names? That's a good off topic. What I've always had like arch a something arch a live That's a good off topic. What I've always had like RK something RK live RK, you know, I've been I've been butter bitch for many years. Are you butter bitch? Yeah, okay You might have fought me on canvas right back in the day Uh-huh camera. Oh geez. Do we fight? Oh, let's talk about that. I won't talk about your games. Go ahead

Okay, so the the last good comment is a Democrats were retarded and ran the most establishment candidate that they had Burnley Sanders tapped into that as well. You know, I picked a bad comment here to read. Well, you backed out of it. So you actually showed your, you know, you showed that the last bad comment was actually actually right. You should get the fuck.

Do you have a good comment? No, I forgot to refill them after the first show. That's good. That's a good, that's good to, No, I forgot to refill them after the first show. That's good. That's a good, that's good to. Good production right there. Yeah, you really threw me, and now we're all just sitting here staring into a fucking camera,

or in a live show, trying to do a new segment that you fucking literally just lit up and blew up. Pfft. No. I got a bad comment. Fucking people, go fucking, fucking asshole. All. Well, there you go. Um

You know, I was talking about video games that I really I I miss them and I almost I Used to play Xbox for I think the longest I've ever played was 12 hours straight. Wow. I used to play 12 hours straight You play what did you play? Oh? Crash Bandicoot was my jam. Oh my god That's not a good jam The crash bandicoot's alright. Yeah, call it duty is a fucking game. Yeah, that's a 12 hour bender kind of red What is it red dead redemption? Yeah, that's what I beat this weekend. Yeah, that's a game You know you want to play a video game play red dead?

That is a fucking video game. The world in that game, the environment is so huge. I mean, you could just ride a horse for an hour. I used to just, I wish that game when I played that game, I wish that I could have done drugs, like smoke pot and just, you know, had, was on a horse for just walk you know just galloping around town to town. Yeah, as a guy who did just that. Yeah, it's because that you did smoke to heat. A little bit. Yeah. Oh God. Smoked a little bit went to the out west. Wow. The out west. It really was. It was fucking one of the greatest games ever. And Rockstar did it. The same guys who did Grand Theft,

Lazlo and those guys. What a great, great game. What else we got, anything else? What do you say we start bringing the people up then? It's nine o'clock, so they should be buzzing us. Let's do it, let's buzz them up. We're gonna a bunch of stuff we're gonna talk about tonight. Where do the news? We're gonna do some news.

Lauren and Deepu compete for attention in the news. Yeah,'re gonna do news up up front or somewhere in the middle there Um, I should have peed fucked up. You want to pee wide now? You want to take over? Yeah, sure I'll hold the reins for a little bit. That's all right Listen, yeah, you fucking really failed with the good fan bad fan. Yeah, yeah, remember we said I'm gonna do two We should have two you're right I should have had more she made one up you're gonna just made it up let's try make it one up yeah that's good fan do a good fan then just make up a name ninja triple x two three says wow you know ever since scope all left that's a

fucking jig you can't see that would have been funny you motherfucker I give you full throwing to make up good fit if all you have is bad fans I should have been making up chat room comments for the past two years probably oh my god The chat room anybody in the chat? Let's check the chat room people you there you're around you having fun Gold face. Oh my god gold face is a guy who's been here since the beginning. Yeah. He's actually a guy that we we blocked. Why? And then we'd let back in because he actually wrote an essay on a Reddit thread about how the show sucks or two years ago. Yeah. And then I was kind of like, fuck this guy. He's kind of like corrupt in the chat room. Yeah. They made a new account. Now he's back. And now he just said, scopo left. So I guess he's been out of loop for a little bit.

What is he? He's back. Watch. Listen to the show. Yeah. He's he's watching out of the loop for a little bit. What is he, he's back, listen to the show? Yeah, he's watching live right now. Oh, what's up? I thought he hated the show though. His old username, he's telling me right now, was FuckioTV, remember that name? Yeah, I used to say that name all the time. Yeah, FuckioTV, I remember him.

Because early on, he was like the only guy in the chat room like during some shows. Yeah, yeah. And you would just keep saying like, what else he got? What else he got? So I would just say like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck your TV. But then he turned on us.

But he got so much power because we gave him so much voice. Yeah. Because we kept reading his stuff. And I think it kind of got to his head. Well, maybe, well, okay. I think he had to go at some point, but then he's back. He's come back. But is he enjoying the show now?

Uh, he's, well, let's find out. Yeah, let us know a fuck your TV if you've been enjoying the show. It's always weird to me that people, I mean, I guess people have to be heard. They have to go to these little things and write about things that they like. I've never, you know, like I love the show Arrow. You ever see the show Arrow? Not really now. I'm kind of done with the whole superhero thing.

I'm a big superhero guy and I love it, but it kind of went off the rails on season three, but I didn't feel like writing in to anybody. I just waited in season four, they came back. It feels a little powerless to write into like a network television show. Well, you can write about it on a blog. Here we are with our first guest, what's up, man? Hey, Justin Smith is here.

Justin is here. How are you, buddy? How are you? I'm very good good man. Put your headphones on. Do a little Mikey check and we'll get you in there, dude I asked Justin if he wanted me to say anything about him when we introduce him and he said no man No man, what do you got? Well say I don't ask me don't ask it's my fucking show I don't care what he wants. I want to hear about him. I don't know about it Let the fans hear about him. He's from Oklahoma. Yeah, Oklahoma. Okay. Yeah, you can Oklahoma, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, just you can say Oklahoma said it. Make it sound more, you know, Oklahoma City does sound better. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. What else you got?

Uh, I performed the Apollo. What'd you do with the Apollo? Uh, amateur night. You did. Yeah. No shit. Yeah. How to go? How do you think it went? I'm a white guy from Oklahoma. But you didn't do good? No, I got boot off. You got fucking boot off. Yeah. All right, so just walk me through this part.

Okay. First of all, you're a good friend of another friend of my Nick Schwartz. Absolutely. He actually texted me today and was, you know, he was like, my friend's coming on, I was like, yeah. And I told him to call him, but I don't think he's gonna, he said he might send a picture of his asshole.

And I said the only way. That sounds about right. I go, you have to actually write a YKWD around your asshole. Oh, it's perfect. So I know what your asshole. Like that's, that's what's so great is. He does that I'm making into a t-shirt. Yeah.

The new YKWD hoodie. You know the first, Mark Norman would be the first person to wear it. I don't know why is that. I don't know, cuz he wears ridiculous shit uh... okay there she is this is my baby girl what's up sit right over here baby

show where she's sitting how you doing just you got your coffee right there awesome the restroom the ladies room when you're using it's the ladies room uh... so i don't understand you go who put you on the show? Well, I auditioned.

I auditioned. How does this, how do you, how do you hear about it? Uh, a buddy of mine. I just, I'd been in the city for maybe a few months, right? Yeah. And then a good buddy of mine, uh, Tristan Rega, was like, Hey, dude, they're doing this open, they're doing this open audition for the Apollo amateur night.

Yeah. He's like, you want to do that. And I was like, fuck, like, why not? Like, it's like in my head, I think like, I think of all the great comics that have performed at that theater. Yeah, like Riff Foss, Keith Robinson. Right, right.

Patrice O'Neill. Of course. I mean, like, and like, I think like a, be an amazing experience. You know, Patrice got booed too. Yeah, that's what, Keith got booed. Can I, can I, and especially on today,

like, you know, I mean, it's, you know, I's what he's got boot. Can I can I and especially on today like like you know, I mean It's you know, I what just today's the today's the day, you know, what day? He died Patrice and I just wanted to make you say it's been fucking with me all day And so and uh But it was crazy when I got boot when I was getting boot off and that fucking weird dude was dancing Like I just weird thought of like step back But you really step it on this story. Sorry. You know, it's alright I just want to I want to know but it's because I don't even know the process of this

So you hear about these auditions. Where do you have to audition after you Paula? Yeah, you go who's there? It's just a bunch of people Everybody that you've ever seen like do like a half-time show at a next game, like that's where they get started, you know. So, but who's judging that you get through or not? I guess there's like, there's talent coordinators at the Apollo. So you're performing in front of an audience or just a few people? Well, you're performing, there's like a big room and there's like maybe like 50 people who they're just shuffling people in and out right now. When you get done, you go out, but they're just shuffling people till there's like maybe like 50 people who they're just shuffling people in and out right now. When you get done, you go out,

but they're just shuffling people so there's like 50 people like right. So what do you do? Do you go up into five minutes? Yeah, there's like, there's like, do like three. Like it's like nothing. So there's 50 people you're doing three minutes. Jess, we're talking about he actually did the Apollo

amateur night and I just wanna find out about, you never did that, right? So you go in in front of 50 people, you do three minutes and then they say, okay, when do you, you're in, but when do you come back that night? Well, no, no, no, they're just, they're like, we'll let you know.

And I was just like, oh man, this is gonna be, you know. Okay, so they let you get the phone call. Get the phone call. And what is it? What is it at night or during the day? It's at night. So at night you go to the Apollo Theater.

Right. It's packed out. Yeah. And you're going on with who? Uh, I'm like by myself. No, I know that you're stand up. I know stand up works at jackass. I'm talking about I just explained stand up comment by myself. I'm not an improv team. I know. I'm sad. I'm saying who else was on the fucking show It was just like it was like a like a dance. There was like a team nobody famous now okay so the dance team there was a who'd you follow is what I'm getting at who did you have to go up after I had to go up after this like this dance crew from like Brooklyn

really and what was funny is the host the host like after like after they get done yeah the host comes on he starts making fun of the day because like they were kind of like they were the second act and they like they teach you how to boo. They're like, hey, they walk you through the process like, hey, this is how you know, this is how you boo somebody, right? They teach, they teach the audience how to boo people off. So it's like the second, the second group. And you could tell they were kind of like this crowd was like, um, like they didn't, they like, they kind of wanted to. Yeah. So the host comes out and starts making fun of the dance team

or whatever. But this, this dance team is from like, what are you doing? I'm, I'm sitting in the wings. And what are you doing in your head? I'm just like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm 50, 50, I can, I can, I can. Really? So you still got that such a comic ego. No, I got, isn't it?

What a fucking con. Literally, you're at the Apollo. They're teaching him how to boo. You're from Oklahoma or you're fucking four bills and you still think you got a shot. What a five, comics, a lot of quarter of Bobby. I want to. I would be freaking out.

I would filled with so much. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't fucking do it. I wouldn't do it. God bless you. So now you're going out there and what's your first joke? First joke is just about being, it's a quick, my whole thing is like I'm doing three minutes.

By the way, there's no clock telling me how long gotta be clean. Right. And so I'm thinking, okay, I'm here. What's the first joke? I wanna hear it. Uh, come on, man. Come on, man. Don't make me do it.

Don't like, just tell it. This is why I love Oklahoma City. They don't have to do my bits on the radio. But you don't have to do your, this isn't radio first of all. It's a fucking mediocre podcast. Second of all, it's with other comics. So shut your fucking face. Okay, I'm's a fucking mediocre podcast. Second of all, it's with other comics, or shut your fucking face, okay? I'm not a fucking shock jock dick walk.

Fucking, I wanna know the bit, I'm comic wise. You have to do it, just say what it is. What's up brother, how you doing? Oh, it was just a bit about like, when I first got here that like, it's something about uh... you saw on the train? yeah who do what?

something you saw on the train? did you forget? i don't wanna make any of them i'm not gonna talk to you i'm just gonna go and talk to you boo boo yeah

hahaha hahaha boo oh yeah they do that with their hands they win the tournament for them you should you should you should have touched the fucking log before you came out. How do you bomb twice with the same fucking egg?

No, no, no. Jesus Christ. You got boot off Apollo, amateur night. Oh, I'm not sure. What? Uh, a little over a year ago. That's horrible. Whoa, maybe, maybe longer than that.

But not televised, right? That's not televised. No, no, no, but they encouraged everybody that the best part about it was like when I when it started happening because they started the the people who were Supporting the group before me. Yeah, they start like they're mad at the host because the host tried to make fun of the group before them And all the like aunts knows Nobody could own is his name Yeah, so he starts making fun of them all their like aunts and uncles are all in the top deck

and they start like yelling, like so they're doing a back and forth but he's doing that thing of like, oh shut up, you tight shirt, like he's doing that type of shit, right? It's tight shirt, yeah. That's what's in the back. And by the way, like I know it's not going good

because the woman who's running, who's a stage manager, who also put me on, puts her hands, like her face her hands, and just goes, come on dude. And it's like, oh, she just witnessed an accident. And so like, but he doesn't, like he doesn't like get calm them down.

He just makes a more mad. And then it was just like, ladies and gentlemen, just fat white tits from Oklahoma, just it just, that's how I went out. What's your name? Oh, your home name again? Justin's, oh fat white tits. Is the family would he called you? Yeah, yeah, no, no, but no Oh, you do oh you're doing jokes now like it's fucking what you won't do it you fucking

It's not from my act. Yeah, well Well, maybe you should stick to the act. What the fuck he does a shit cocksuck it does a shitty fucking radio joke Listen, what cocksuck adjust it Justin? Yeah, what's your last name? I forgot Smith so the guy goes I was like that's how I know it really remember cuz like oh, how do you pronounce your last name again Smith? But it's like it but it's not has no own for the end. Yeah, it's like you know Capone want to be like die check out Justin Smith

Shit I got Justin Smith. It's just like, oh shit. You know, you know the Apollo, this motherfucker's face, you get it up for Justin. Smith. Man. So he's also out of breath when he says my name. So that's unfuckin' blue. So now you go out and then the first second, first joke. They, like I did, like I did, like I did like they stepped

on my first, because they were still mad at him. They stepped on the first punchline, and then I have like a 20 seconds up to the next one And then it was just it was done. It was done before to even started. Wait. Well now let me ask you Did you did you get because I this happened to me before I we've all been booed We've all had those fucking nights where you just Habam and and you get that that flop sweat and your cheeks get red. And your neck starts to get blotchy. Right, and you can't, you know what's happening,

but you're trying to ninja control it. You know what I'm doing is like, Paul Verzi, everybody, I'm so sorry, Paul Verzi. I try thinking about why it happened. It'll take me four days. Take it over a really fucking bad one. Like, I'm trying to fight. No, I'll try to break it down.

And I'm like, I would have, if I would have done this, or like, how did this happen? And I call it a hot one, dude. It is like a fight, because you ever go to a fight. Like, three days later, you're like, what the fuck happened? Was it him? Did I say that? And then like, dude, you said this. I did.

And you're like, what the fuck? Bombs is the same thing. No, I try to break it down. Is there anything I could have done differently? You know, like, is it me? Like, what could I have done? I never want to go through that shit again. Yeah, like, it's like a fighter.

Like, you feel like I don't want to get knocked out again. It's the worst thing. You just, uh, what was that? What was that time you bombed? What was the hot one you took? The biggest, the hottest one I took was two summers ago with me and Lloyd went to that like 1% or billionaire thing. No women like this.

Oh, you talked about that before. Yeah, and that was out in Westchester. Out in Westchester, it was at the Sleepy Hollow Country Club. It was literally multi-multimillionaire and billionaires. They're the worst. And they were all sitting there and they were getting like steak carved by their slaves. Like it was fucking nuts. They're the worst. And they were all sitting there and they were getting like steak carved by their slaves like it was fucking nuts.

They might as well have like they were just fucking hey, zoos, cut them more. But how great is that meat though? If we were being honest. I don't know, dude, I mean, they have his better. I get that. But I was so I'm ready to go and they've been doing it

every year, right? They've been doing it every year. And they give you like a couple grand, right? They got like a paid first. and so I went with lawhead and they always only have one comic but I was like can lawhead come so they were like yeah so lawhead goes up and he does well oh boy and he goes first and but he kind of touched on certain things that I was going to touch on because there's only things oh yeah so then I go up and I start making fun. I start making fun. I start making fun of law So I start making fun of law and after I just killed I talk about what's in his check in account. Yeah

No, it's the one what's the one somebody said OP always used to do for the OPN and he showed when a grown man was dark crying He would go oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy When He would go, Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. It's funny. When a grown man starts to cry. Oh boy. Oh boy. Um, no, so I just start going into things here really touched on. I start making fun of his check and account, but they loved them and all of a sudden. And then I went into his check and account. What the fuck is that? Well, I started making fun of like the how like nice the place wasn't how rich the people were and if they knew what he had in his check in account I don't like it verse. I know I know so

You know how much he's fucking got nothing I'm barely hanging on by a fucking thread and all of a sudden I go like this and I start talking about politics I start making fun of Chris Christie, right? Oh, no, and I go this I go how great would it be if this fat fuck from Jert and all of a sudden, somebody sat in the back, they leaned over to law and going, yeah, we just threw him a $3,000 plate fundraiser last week. And I'm calling him a fat fuck.

And all of a sudden, dude, it just goes from like hanging on to like, all right, like dude, it got so bad and I'm sweating up there. And now I took it from a bombing to just the nose of the plane down and it's like, it should have been in a movie. It was like in the back of the, there was like sculptures.

Fucking birds. This was a hot. We heard a boat go by on the fucking Hudson. And I never heard one like old man. Why am I doing sound effects? The fucking way. Yeah, the fuck happened to me. So, in 1920 radio, she's just Tom Poppas.

Yeah, wow. Well, this episode of YK DVDs brought to you by Gumshoe. So, even one old man who was obviously super, super into Chris Christie. I was like, that's not like, and then me, I get to find it going, no, no, I'm gonna think gonna Thinking I'm gonna get back so then I try going and going and then finally I get off and I remember luckily the exit was to the left I walked off stage I walked to the left. I'm in the parking lot and it was like a safe haven and I just got in the car and I texted Lowhead I go I'm in the car I

Get my next Eugene. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I'm in the bar. Hey, history of bank account that he made fun of. Thank God, and I just wrote, wow. Wow. I go, I'm in the car, wow. Here's the question. Luckily, I had the money off.

Was it all caps? Well, I think it probably, it was fucking a hot one. And then I, and then I actually, I've probably to worse one in the past couple of years. I bombed, I bombed the biggest bombs. I mean, of course, I always tell the story, but we're, I bombed the biggest bombs. I mean, of course I always tell the story, but I bombed at the Boston Garden in front of 14,000 people. That is horrible.

That is terrible. Terrible. Terrrible. I think it's worse. I bombed at the wall one night. You know, they do, they do, have you ever done the wall? Yeah, I've done it a couple of times.

Okay, it's a fucking nightmare. What's it right here? Right next door when no one used to own the wall and Manny owned the comedy seller. So no one used to own the wall and man he would own the comedy seller. So no one would have a comic from the comedy seller always go up at the wall before the band. Now these people are there to see music. And now you're on the stage. First of all, the stage was not meant for a comic. It's meant for a band. So you literally

could touch the ceiling. You know, you have no room to move around. You got a drummer behind you, fom fom fom fom fom, you know, hitting the, it's crazy. But you either had a good set or a bad set. I had something, I said something. There was something I said that was just so misogynistic. Such a fucking, you know, I think I actually said, you know, women do this or something.

And there was a table, a bachelor party that was not it They were like boo and I was like nah nah nah you know that's the worst I try to start backing out of it. I go nah nah nah but then the other side of the room was going no go Yeah, we love you like the accused Yes Machine Yes, I was on a pinball machine. Do it. Just fucking, I don't know if I should do it, right? This fucking, they would boon me. The other half was telling me to go,

so I kept going with the jokes. I just kept, you know, back then my act was a fucking pure energy. So there's nothing worse than being an energy act. And fucking, and then and then Oh yeah, if an energy act starts to bomb it's really I think you heard the sweat come off my forehead

and hit the wood floor and you heard the simmigots it was so bad. Now are you a guy that, cause I don't know and I don't know I've never seen you guys perform but are you somebody that will address the bombing after a certain time or now now you fucking here's the thing when you bomb did you get what you dress it while you're doing it uh... when jokes don't work i thought i'd turn to the wall and talk to my

all that's a lot of it you do that many times waiting i'm sorry i need to i need to understand it's wait a minute. I'm sorry. I need to understand. Wait a minute. It's not working. I have conversation. You've never seen me do that. Pub, I've seen you only kill. So no, I've never seen you but. No, I've never seen you but.

No, I've never seen you but. I've only seen you annihilate. Oh, thank you. But I turn to this. I turn my back to the audience and I say it's okay. You're very talented. Oh, she didn't make it tonight anyway. Don't eat over this.

Like I have whole conversation. Don't eat over this. Like I have whole conversation. Don't eat over this. Oh, it's hilarious. Yeah, and that usually breaks it. But I mean, I have problems. I've had things thrown at me. I've had, yeah. Why did they throw something at you?

I've had men, two men have thrown bottles at me, and I picked them up and threw them back. Why would they throw, I mean, that's fucking violence. They just didn't like my, I know. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. That's a bomb. I, I, the world, you call somebody to fucking turn into a caveman. Yeah. And throw some of them. The worst

I've ever bombed is with old Jewish people. Like every time I've that's happened, I've wanted to convert. I've, I haven't done it. Yeah. Like I want to eat a live pig in front of the life. Like, I want to kill it in front of them. Yeah, it makes you not like the people's enough funny. It makes you not like the people you're buying. So it's even more in raging of life. Like I want to kill it in front of them. Yeah, it makes you not like the people. It's enough funny. It makes you not like the people you're buying. Well, they're my people.

So it's even more enraging. And they look at me with those fucking faces, you know, like this, like horrible. Just like they hear me. What was the, what was the, what is this? They yell out. I mean, I put it in my app. They yell out, what is she doing?

We hired her. Where's Jackie Mason? Like, oh my my god that makes me It's horrible. This is disgusting While you're doing it, we were they grabbed you after and they're like I didn't enjoy that at all like they're just the rudest People Are you doing stop? Yes, yes, so like are you ever saying things that are contrary to their idea? No, I'd say all stuff that I think though like like, but they've seen it all and heard it all,

and they're very entitled to one another. When you said she's a magician, I, what was that? Fucking, she got a joke where the people... I do my grandmother's friend. Oh, this is true. Oh, they were all playing Mahjong in the card room, and I went to find my grandmother. Yeah.

I'm not gonna do the bit, but they were all like him. Yeah, well, but she's still there. By the way, if she does, if she does, it's like, oh no, no, of course you would never do that. Why would you? But here's the thing Justin, she's gonna still do the bit. Right, just, so I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, you fucking just stammering

you fucking jackass. Yeah, he's, she's not gonna fucking stand up and take the mic out of the stand. I didn't want you to do that either. Just continue talking. I need, it's a podcast. I don't need you fucking climbing up either. Just continue talking. I need, it's a podcast. I don't need you fucking climbing up, you fucking jackass. Go ahead.

No, they were sitting there like, like I said, just with that face. And then one of them, I went up to her and I said, you know where my grandmother is and she was, I don't know, but I'll let her know you were looking. And then I walked away. She yelled out in the middle of the card room.

That's B. Fopman's grand, what a, she's a lesbian magician. A lesbian magician. To the first time I heard you say that. I'm a magician. Call me a magician. Dude, the first time I heard you say that because I fucking lost it. I knew it.

I was so funny. Turned around. I was like, hey, like it was crazy. I'll tell you one, Bobby, that was scary was when I was at the garden with Burr and Derosa. I was having a great time there was some sound issues but I was started to do really well and all of a sudden I do this bit about when when you have kids you can't really care what's going on in the news but it was

right after one second it was right after one second you see he's doing the big show yeah are you learning just I'm like it's I'm learning now right thanks buddy so so did you see the patch yeah I know I'm so okay it's okay because you really is a Jewish woman she okay. It's okay. It's okay. She really is a Jewish woman. She's like, it's okay. It's because I've always taken care of my father emotionally. It's okay dad.

You can call me a con. So it was foolish. So you can call me a con. She said. Okay. Oh, my God. God. Jesus.

What would you dad? Jesus. Oh Jesus what did you think I fucking love you God I guess it was a couple days after the Paris shooting where the Paris yeah Barrett the pair with the Paris truck the Paris truck explosion no the truck drove through the crowd Was there an explosion? I don't know. What are we doing? Was there an explosion? There was two things in France. There was the shooting at the stadium Yes, okay at the concert those music concert. Yeah, and then there was the the ice cream truck that went That ran over people. No, I think this was this was the bigger one. This was the I think they're both pretty big No, I know but a stadium compared to a truck. That's on but yeah, it's still they're both terrible. There No, I know, but a stadium compared to a truck, that's all, but yeah, it's still, they're both terrible.

There was a stadium bombing? There was some fiat. We're so excited. But not so bad, it's so many fucking... No, that's so many awful things. Which one was that? There was something on that one was a nice cream truck. I didn't know it was a nice cream truck.

It was in a nice cream, it was a fray, it was a nice truck. It was a nice truck. And that was freezer, it didn't have fucking, he's adding that because he's a fucking go So so it's days before a terracing test I keep You have a That would have been funny, but that would be crazy if it just

and they're starting and in theme still. I'm gonna need you. Oh, yeah. Ah! You're right, it's no. I got some happen after the after your house. Like everything after your house. Why, what the, I'll tell you after,

can I just, I want you to remind about that. Someone would take a note because you do that all the time to me. Two days after the attack. Yes, the attacks. Just say attacks. I'm at the guard.

Boston guard. I mean, the, the past square guard. Relax, I got it. And I go into the fucking thing. Yeah. And all of a sudden, I'm at the garden. Boston Garden. I mean, the best square garden. Relax, I got it. And I go into the fucking thing. Yeah. And all of a sudden, I'm like, and when you have kids, you know, you don't give a fuck what's going on in there. And all of a sudden, I get started here in grumblings of like,

ooh, and all of a sudden, fucking derosa goes, dude, you got out of that like a pro, but all of a sudden, I realized it hit me. Oh, shit, something happened two days ago. And I'm talking to 15,000, so there's always going to be a few. But that could get that can get bigger There's nothing happened and and well you work Out of it. Yeah, I worked out of it, but I couldn't got in bad is what I said I

Story stinks your fuck. He's what all you want to say is 15,000 msg Fuck you, Verzy you fuck suckers One time I was 15,000 msg, but nothing happened I work my way out of it because I'm a genius Fucking bearin' is called him a lesbian magician. This cocksucking up fatty got boot off in Harlem That's fucking terrible. I got fucking I got tracked at the law so listen You fucking worked your way out of it in front of 15,000 people. Don't fuck yourself. My worst bombing was I did great My worst bombing is that I just made it out I fucking this other bit that's killing I'll go fuck yourself I'm talking about bomb I told you I'm dying a bullet

I thought I'd come down to your head so listen so listen so what the fuck is that sinbed I heard he never bombed is that a thing oh oh oh I don't know. Did he ever want that? That's funny. He brought up a stat. He just pulled the pole, Percy. He should go in and then he got his way out of it. Dude, he pulled up a stat that doesn't exist. I just heard you got a bomb. He just made something out of it. So I believe me, Sinbad's bomb. He's has to a bomb.

Yeah, no, it's like an outfit. Please, tell me what happened. I'm sure I worked out. I am as sore as if I got into a car wreck. The night I got home from your house, the night I got home from your house. the night I got home from your house. Remember I told you my little girl wasn't feeling good from Friday.

So I get home all my lights. Versus he comes over my house. We do a podcast. Well, I got it. Let me do it. You just sit back. Let the host fill this is my show. I know you got Versus effect.

Oh, I got it. But just a second. I have a shed in my back. Okay. I had the Amish people build the shed But just a second, I have a shed in my back. Right. Okay. I had the Amish people build the shed and I have them half it. And then I furnished, I insulated, I mean half of it like a smoking shed. So Verzy is one of the only guys, you know, a couple of the guys.

But mostly Verzy will come up to do it. What are you doing? He'll come down. He lives 20 minutes away from me up in Westchester and we'll sit in my smoking shed until two in the morning, smoking, fucking big man bats and drinking diacokes and just trashing all you people. Just fucking you. Yeah, Jessica, sorry, we talked about it. I'm kidding. We never did. But no, of course we did. I'm kidding. It was just fucking fun though. But it's the fucking, literally the last time we put,

I have a projector in there that you hooked up to my phone and it goes up in the wall. We hooked up Netflix and I'm gonna say who, but we just started going through people's specials and we were like, how long can you last? No, one, one, one, one. Literally the fucking first, literally before word was said, he goes, shout it off. I'm done. I can't do it. I don't know. It wasn't our word smoking. Don't a word smoking. He goes I'm done something happened I can't tell you but something happened he goes I'm fucking done shut it off. I'm gonna tell you something

Oh this fucking guy. I've never seen somebody make more with the room with the shed. You know how he is with technology Yeah, I mean he's got first of all his projectors It's not like a fucking projector. It's a zip-o lighter side Hey, that could not like a fucking projector. It's a zippo lighter side. And that could put on a fucking the movie screen. And he's got it. Yeah, dude, it hooks up to the shower.

And I could be, I could be taking a shit. Listen, dude, it's a 2018. It didn't come out yet. I could be taking a shit. I'm taking a shower. Okay, and I could watch your movie that didn't come out yet. Okay, I flew to

I haven't been made flew to fucking Tokyo. You only had a 15-minute window to buy the fucking thing. I had to fly to Tokyo I flew to Tokyo. I got in at the last fucking minute. Okay drives my wife crazy 13 of them total ever ever ever. I've never heard anybody literally fucking pull it down pull it down to quite as fucking good as what he just did. Woof wow, I really am just a fucking I'm just trying to fill a hole verse. Try not to eat. Try not to drink and I'm trying not to fuck. If I have to do with fucking a gadget from the future I have to you know what I love my family So he's over there

All right, so listen, oh fuck man, you got me cry So he's he comes over my he comes over with smoke bats. But he leaves, you know, late at night. Last time he left. Oh, what the fuck is wrong with him? You said I would not wear my house. I wore my mom's clothes. He just wanted her every week. It's not the first time that's happened with her.

Relax. She's from Jersey. She's got it. Where is yours? Listen. All the words placed. All the words, please. So, Versi. Versi.

Ah, fuck me. Ah, Versi. For the last time he left, he's a fucking deer. Yeah. I don't even know this. I've done that twice. I did too. I hit two in one year.

Oh, no. I've never hit it. Up where we live, there's a lot. So, when I get to his house, I got my little girl. I got the new deer thing on the front of the car. Yeah, yeah No, it's a sonar alert Yeah, you put what you do is you Dude you could talk to

The deer they put a chip behind it here could actually talk to settle. Little he goes like this. He literally lights this a guy, opens a die code, he goes like this. Just what fucking life is about right here. This is all I'm about. And then, my wife's timing is I could be on my deathbed like last couple of breaths. And she'd be like, listen, I know it's hard to breathe. Why don't you guard my bed I know it's hard to breathe.

Listen, my wife, not on that, but my wife is about to fuck. Anytime I'm watching a TV show, I'm not kidding you. And it gets to the point where everything, right now, I need to hear these three words, or I don't get the whole movie, she'll walk out of it. Listen, Max, it's gonna go to school.

What the fuck Every time Every time I'm literally stopped the movie paused it Waited for her to go to bed and then literally watching it all of a sudden and then he came in and he said Are you gonna go what the fuck the worst the guys are so they were feels about to happen So so she says Sophia my daughter Sophia she goes just so you know Sophia The fuck? The worst. The guys are so zeere feels about to happen. So she says Sophia, my daughter Sophia, she goes, just so you know Sophia just started throwing up. So you know, don't make it too late of a night if I need you, right?

So I'm like, my phone's on, just text me, right? I go home, get home at three, fucking three o'clock in the morning and all my lights in my house are on. When I get home and I'm going, oh shit, my bedroom lights on, the kids bedroom lights on. I go, my son Luke is five minutes before I get home he starts throwing up so now the kids have a stomach bug right. So I'm going on shit right. The next day I'm okay all of a sudden this is two days ago a couple days ago all of a sudden I start to feel something and six o'clock at night, I threw up seven times.

An hour later, I threw up seven more times. Every hour, I threw up 30 times the most violent throw up. My wife said, do I have to take, if you would have said to me, all right, you're in a movie, and you're the director, and you would have gone, all right, puke like you never puke before, but exaggerate it, scream while you're doing it, if you would have been like, it would have been,

okay, real quick, can I punch that joke up just a up just you're in a movie. It's called throw up massacre 2017 that's the movie name all right now you do it. Okay, well, I wasn't I was a throw up king Well, I was just trying to say that if it's what the fuck I was trying to help so So I couldn't I couldn't exaggerate I was throwing up with every and then it gets at a point where like by the fucking 20 Sometime my ribs were locking up because I was dry even so even even after the bio came up even after that It's just dry now. Did you lose weight? It was just I think I lost like six What the fuck is wrong with you? No, it's actually I was actually thinking the same thing. I was like it's no I was too Yeah, I think you were thinking that and And like clockwork, like 24 hours.

Next time you get one of those, do me a favor. Look at them. Look at them. Look at them. I'll send it to my house. Dude, you don't want this. This was this was brutal. Dude, this was this was this was this was this was and right at 24 hours is when I felt

fine. So then yesterday I was all fine, but I got to tell you that bug when it ran its course. I never puke like that, but I have that neck issue with the disc in my neck. So as I'm, I didn't realize, as I'm tensing, I'm saying to my wife, why the fuck is this burning? And I realized I was injuring myself more in my ribs. So everything is all tensed. It's like I got into car accident.

When you get into, you tense up. That's how I feel, we have to puke in that many times, but I feel great now, you know? And I'd be honestly, when I took my shirt off. And for stories, it's just like, oh, it was so bad, it was like, but I got out of it. Like I was like, but I'd be honest when I took my shirt off. And for stories, just like, oh, it was so bad. But I got out of it. Like, I did good.

But I took my shirt off. And when I took my shirt off, I go, oh shit, just went down a little bit. It went down a little bit, yeah, so. Not too wrong with a little stomach poison every once and a while. I could puke for fucking, I could puke 30 times and still not feel. Literally my shirt fit the exact same. I wouldn't feel any. My bell buckle is digging into my stomach as we speak.

Literally, this podcast can only go for an hour and a half or I will injure myself. Huh? I don't know. I'll say make me. I love the, first of all, I love that you whispered it on camera into a microphone. That's okay.

That's okay, right? Well do you think maybe it was like the cigar gods being like making you sick because you were drinking diet coke with great cigars? That's the way to make it. What is that? No, do you think maybe it was like the cigar gods being like making you sick because you were drinking Diet Coke with great cigars? That's the way to make it. What is that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Take this one. Let me take this one. I've already scored them. I don't want to score them too much. He's a new young guy from Oklahoma. What? As Bobby as two as two, I would say elder statesman of cigars. I also smoke cigars. Not as much as us. Let's not kick. I have 500 in my house.

Okay. All right. you have two cigars and you're fucking cabinet, okay? In a ziplock. I have three humidows, okay? One, you can't get. There's only 1,000 million. It comes out to be 20. Yeah, so listen, and I have a cigar fucking,

you know, club on the member of. But, you know, there's full humanoid. No, I got a nicaraguan guy in my shed. Rollin' up. I would, you know that, right? Of course, yeah. But here's a deal. The actual, I don't drink alcohol.

I've been sober for 30 years. But the actual diet coke or a Coke Zero? Or a coffee? Well, I don't really like coffee because it kind of blends my tongue when I'm smoking. It covers my tongue. That's why the diet Coke, that taste, and actually a lot of guys drink Diet Coke with cigars

if you're not gonna drink, drink, because it cleans your palate off, and there's that crap sugar that you shouldn't be drinking, shouldn't have, actually, it kind of gives you, it takes away the buzz of the cigar, and you know what I mean? So, I like it. Diet Coke, you should try it.

You should try it. Is that your way of trying to get me to drink Diet Coke? Cause that was the thing. No, no, you should try Diet Coke. No, you should just try the diet part. But I, you can leave the Coke out. Just, that was a pleasant thought. No, I know what you're saying though.

A scotch of bourbon, a Coke, a scotch of bourbon, a whiskey is, is, is, let me do that. Let me do that. You go fucking strangle my wife. And you fucking, tell my kid, shut the is is is let me do that with that fucking strangle my wife And fucking tell my kid shut the fuck up. Let me do that fuck you. I'm drinking that Ghost fuck you bourbons alpha male fucking plots. I want my liver, okay? I'm not a bourbon guy either like I don't know you I like when I'm what do you drink with this ago?

I usually just drink like flat like water flat water. Yeah, there's no What the fuck is that drink like flat like water. Flat water? Yeah, there's no like, what the fuck is that? I like room temperature water. No, no, no, no, no, no, like, you stick up for him one more time. I swear to God, I'm fucking turned on. He's no more. Shes. He's, you get me? Listen to me. He's verzying me now. He's getting me out of stuff. He's verzying me. I, dude, water with a cigar. I don't, I mean, I don't know. I get it. I've drink, I have, I've had it, but I just like the, uh,, I don't know. I get it, I've had it, but I just like the... But I don't like drink, I like doing it just enough to keep my mouth more, because I like, I like, I like a dry one, I smoke.

I get that, no I get that, smoke in a cigar. You ever smoke a cigar? I used to, yeah. Really? The little ones, I just smoked those little... Like a little macaroon or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a little, you buy them. A cigar is, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a little you buy them.

A cigar's a great man. Just could you drink? No, you don't drink. No, I haven't had a drink in 17 years. What was that? What was that other things in between? What was that thing you had up there? Was that verzy?

Well, we were talking, it might be. We were talking about the Apollo and how they treat people when they build them or the app. Yeah, I would like, do you have hit, you know, yours isn't on television? No, no, no, it's not. I mean, getting booed by a group of people, I think is less, I think is easier than getting booed

by a hundred people at a club. When you get, you get booed at a club, just like the laughter bounces off those little ceilings and hits you more than at a big venue. I mean, when you get booed, it's like be flying in a plan. If you look it out, it's the height doesn't bother you. But if you stand on a three-story building, I can't go to the edge, I'm fine.

I mean, that little club getting booed at a small venue, it's just- You gotta walk through them all too. Like there's no escape, there's no retreat. There's no right. There's no- The biggest thing for me is I feel, it I'm it's like you're being tortured it literally your your it's crazy you have nowhere to go.

Yeah finish your act. That's what's the best part about our art is over music. Yeah, anything because you know you could you could hide behind a guitar guy or you could hide behind a good drummer when it's just you and there's not you know it's like you said I guess Chris rock made the same analogy you made he said it's like boxing and went and it's getting knocked out in front of everybody. I didn't make that an algae. You said it. You said it's like getting not. Yeah, did I? Yeah, you said it's like a fighter. Or like a fight. I said it's like a fight. Yeah, you just don't remember what happened. I had a different knowledge, but I'll take it. Chris rock me. Yeah, let's go. No I Versi my way out of it

What is this this is some random person this is just an example of what happens when you get booed at the Apollo let me here All right listen man that just hurts yeah that was singing well here's the thing you can't Singing is the worst singing why you get in boot cuz you can't hear cuz you Love It's like just once Well, I remember when I was I did a kid this to my sick grandmother. I did a gift this I just got over cancer I didn't turn lights on off on too Oh boy

The worst the worst man's there to the same many there too, the sandman, he runs out. Oh yeah. And he sweeps you up. Listen to them laughing. People are evil. Yeah. Oh I mean listen, here's the deal. Can I say something though?

Yeah. Did not. When you go to that event, first I'm going to say you got to give yourself credit because you go to that event. They're like you said they're teaching you how to boo. Booing, getting somebody to get booed off is part of the show. But when you're at a fucking, you know, heart-ing getting somebody to boot off as part of the show But when you're at a fucking, you know heart-fed funny bone. Yeah, it's not part of the show That means you can't go to the mall for the rest of the week. Yeah, that means no Apple store

You know this hand that means oh you got a leaves quick. Yeah, you get a leave quick So you get a leave buddy you'll leave quick and then run to your car Right make sure nobody's fucking in front of you. I know it might always was going to the bathroom and then here to your car, right? Make sure nobody's fucking in front of you. You know what a fear mine always was going to the bathroom and then here in audience members talk bad about you in the bathroom. I always have that too. That's a fear. You just go in the public restroom and they start letting me like that fucking second guy

sucked in. I just, I just, I just, I just, I just hide in the stall till everybody leaves. I've heard Nate Bargette tell stories about being on cruise ship and he always performs with this hat off But he always wears that fucking stupid Vandy hat all the time And be on an elevator and he'd have his hat down and he had people in the elevator more than once be like Yeah, that that hit guy wasn't very good like they were talking shit about him

And he just like had to walk past him and as the elevator door close He's like cruise ship the worst yeah, the worst cuz you got to stare at him all yeah And they come back again. All I do is isolate and cry. I bombed him. It's true, I isolate all day when I'm on a group. I bombed in a comedy group on a prom boat ride. Oh my God.

And we went on in the daytime right up front Let me tell you something I wanted to become a crew member. I wanted to go downstairs and fix the engine There was nowhere to go listen to me. There's nowhere to go I found the back corner of the boat and I sat there and hung half of my body over the so they would roast They would they would just see legs. I didn't want them to fucking see me it was They would just see legs. I didn't want them to fucking see me. It was hototious. And I'm just waiting for that fucking boat to pull in. I waited till everybody got off. That's where I'm on the call.

The Comedy Zellaborah. Can you remember that? Can you remember that? Do it anymore. I don't know. Probably because it's so expensive to rent that boat, but they would rent this three-decker boat. That the top floor or the middle floor they would do this show And they'd always have like somebody high energy like

Already godfrey godfrey just annihilating and then be like I fucking bring up this next motherfucker And you like you know and they always put me up last. Cause I, you know, cause you do well all the time, you know. I see a fucking ropey and thrown over the side. We're pulling in and I'm like, I give it up for one last guy. He's got eight minutes. And I'm like, ah, fucking suck it, lick it, fuck it. My boom, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Goodnight, thank you, goodbye. That's one thing I fucking hate. I'm not boom, I'm fucking, I'm not boom, I'm fucking, I'm not boom, I'm fucking, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm fucking, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm fucking, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom,

I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, I'm not boom, well, you know, the thing is how they'll get is we know you can do it. And it's like, everybody could fucking do it. We're all professionals here. You should be doing the show if you can't do it. Yeah, exactly. I mean, when people say, yeah, I have an issue with that because what there's people who like don't want to follow me. Yeah.

And I'm not believe me. I'm not tuning my own horn because I really, you know me very well. I'm not. I know that I have. There's no ego. I'm saying like, but if you hit yourself just like I do But if you're making He just touched me What a fucking adorable dude. He's that I was sweet. Thank you next time I have a jina

No, you know, and I say like this person's making millions of dollars and has like two shows on comedy centers Like you should be able to fucking follow me for a $30 spot has like two shows on Comedy Central. Like you should be able to fucking follow me for a $30 spot. Like don't, you know what I mean? I'm not, I don't have a TV show. Like don't complain that you have to follow someone if you're making millions of dollars.

It's incredible to me. Yeah, well, I hate that they go, it's a compliment or you all do want to can do it or a bluff. No, man, look at man, if you're on the show, you should be able to do it. If you're on a TV, if you can look at your, if you go to an ATM and hit the ballot when they go, do you want to see a balance?

And go, yep. And be smiling and not have your heart fucking sink and go, what the fuck is my wife doing? Then you should be able to fucking go to show. Yeah, you're not living on to month. Well, I think there's a theory, I think there's a theory to what you just said. You know, I think when you have those shows on Comedy Central and you have the millions,

I don't, I think that there's a lack of maybe hunger and fight that you have. Because you're going up there slugging it out every night or every time you can, you're going up there for your life and these people kind of have, so it's like, it's hard. It's hard when you see somebody that's just fucking going in there to destroy constantly. Some people don't want to deal with it, you know? Well, I think what it is, I think what it is when they get to the point where they can actually have people call up

or they can say, yeah, I'll go on, but I'm not going to blast. I wanna go on right here in that sweet spot. They do it. Yeah. They do it. And, you know, when you have the ability to do it, you do it too.

I would do it if I could say, and some of them I can, like some of them, like even this year, I had to go up and comics come home. And I'm a bit, oh my God, I didn't know you did that. Larry, Larry asked me like months ago, you're closing. You go, you know, this is six months ago, when he asked me, you're closing. And I was like, fuck me. You know, and then the closing. And I was like, fuck me.

You know, and then the schedule and I was like suck it. Like fucking DiPolo. Wanda Lenny, Burr, you know. And I was like, you know, whatever, I'll do it. And you know, I've done it. Cause last time I did it to Burr closed, I have to fuck, he actually closed the heavy one. He, he he gaffigan

Fallon me Joe Yanetti who it's a cancer benefit he had he had like 30 minutes of fucking insane Cancer material just fucking annihilated burr had a tough one that and he went up and killed it so I mean you can do it you know but it's what I try to explain them like these people it's like yes I can do it I you know, but it's, what I try to explain to them, like these people, it's like, yes, I can do it. I can do it, but it doesn't take away the anxiety. It doesn't take away the fucking shit that I'm gonna have to go to until I go,

it's like, fuck, and after you do it, you're like, all right, I fucking did it again. And you have to do it. Yeah, yeah, and if you have to do well, there's no, and if you don't, yeah, you have to. You have to, if you go up first, second, third, you know, you can play around, you can do more There's no and if you don't yeah, you have to you have to if you go up first second Third, you know, you can play around you can do more new stuff, but when you go up last you can you know You kind of have to deliver you're the last person on that show and you'll be the guy with the last guy was

Yeah, you'll be the last guy right no more closer. Yeah, you the closer. That's how they show is great But the last they in that you know, I mean like you can bomb in the middle that shows good Yeah, he was alright, but the loud oh you know what I mean? Like you can bomb in the middle. The show is good, yeah, he was all right, but the loud, oh my god, he was so, you know, but if you're the last guy that bombs, whoo, that can be, you know, that can be, you know, how the fuck do you get back from that? Especially if you're not fucking huge. Right.

Huge people can bomb more. Oh yeah. I think yeah, take a nice hot one. But the flip sides that I went to is they have also a little bit more of a leash, you know, yeah, they get well, you could get that first five minutes. If you know, if Seinfeld walks on, he'll eventually bomb if he was gonna, but first five minutes, he could go up there and be like, I'm walking down the and they're like, oh, it's so true. You know, I mean, I've

seen that happen. I mean, too, so many times. Yeah, like I was trying to tell, I don't forget who it was. They announced the beginning of the show and they're going to, and Leary's going to. We got fucking Lenny Cloud. You know, cause they love Lenny look there. We got one, we got, you know, we got Bill Burr.

Fucking place where nuts. We got Bobby Kelly. I think it was my mom. I think I heard my mom. And some YKWD fans go, you know, I mean, look, it wasn't as bad as that because they know me from Dennis' show, sex drugs, but it wasn't a fucking, you know, and it's like, okay, and then you go to the end and that night was a fucking crazy. That's why I'm thinking about it. I'm like, that must have been really insane because of what happened. It was. Yeah. It was, but it wasn't bad. I mean, you know, everybody got over it. Fucking, I'm just the time to live in. You know, you got it, you know, you say what you say and keep

so there was a great article today on Facebook. Can I my phone, Bubba? Um, today on facebook can i my phone but i uh... about about uh... man i don't think i find it but about with a last we're we're fucking news we're news with the only ones that fucking tell it kind of the way it is

i was just thinking about that the other day because now even the media it's like nothing you know we are yet it's not a is like yeah you can't know it's fucking garbage it is i think trump uh... becoming president has opened the door for potentially comedians running for president like Chris rock i think announces uh... candidacy for twenty twenty he's not are you kidding me i you know they he's running all you kidding me uh... yeah it's uh... let me see if I can find this. You're joking. Or no.

I think he's serious. I saw the, I mean, it was just on Instagram a couple days ago, but... I'd vote for Chris. Yeah. Just to hear a fucking present to go, there's buzzing. Yeah, you know, just... I got some buzzing in the White House. Puzzying the White House, different than buzzing in the fucking apartment.

Gotta be cleaning the White House. Yeah, Yeah, I got some of the rules. I'm done to somebody there with napkins I'm the president my fucking clean that shit up. I got a garden I went I got some pussy and I'm gonna play basketball and now I got some pussy again Welcome to America And now I got some pussy again. Welcome to America. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Let me see if this is it.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Is this it? Hey, man, just saw you first. Bad, bad, bad, bad. He wrote an article. His name is Ben Mans. He's a right-wing guy. You know, I'm sure he has a pity.

He actually was actually a good article about the, you know, comics about how we're the ones who are actually putting ourselves out there and, you know, exposing ourselves and our opinions and we're not really giving a fucking, nobody's fucking with us. Yet. Yeah. Yeah. But we have the power to make it like that and to stay like that because We they can't fuck with us as soon as we back down and start apologizing and as soon as we start saying Oh, you're right. I did go over the line. Oh shit. My bad. I should I didn't mean to hurt your feelings

Once that starts to happen or once the bloggers start to make us surrender Then that's why you can't you gotta say yeah, I did say that fuck you like when Natasha Lizhero something happened with her and You gotta say yeah, I did say that fuck you like when Natasha Lizgero something happened with her and Something with just something was it would like the soldiers or something and she was like, yeah, no fuck you I'm not apologizing. I said it. I meant it. It was how I felt and I'm not apologizing and I really respected her after that Because you can't you can't apologize. Yeah, wand wand. God she didn't get boot off say she got boot But her responses. She's like, yeah, I got boots. So what I had a joke It was a funny joke. I tried some other jokes. They didn't want to hear it. got boot, but her response was, she said, yeah, I got boot. So what? I had a joke. It was a funny joke. I tried some other jokes, they didn't want to hear it.

I just, then I was like, fuck you. Bye. Fuck you and suck my dick and fuck off. And I kissed my girlfriend, came up and gave me a big kiss in front of all you fucking cocksackers. And she left, you know? Yeah. And so I, yeah, well, she didn't come out after, yeah, who the fuck, what, no, I wasn't

fucking, I wouldn't want to stay around. Who wouldn't want to go through T- wouldn't make a throw T-shirt, do a bunch of assholes that fucking want to kill me? Go fuck yourself. Yeah, it's, it is weird. It's, it's, yeah, we're the last month of the fuckers. Well, do you think it has more to do with the fact that like all the great comics are like, it's getting the

point where it's bringing guys that have been put in special like rock and chappelle are coming back out. And then having like Burr and Louis are both guys that are on apologetic. And they're like, you know, they're the guys right now where it's like, they're not like, they don't care. Like they're all kind of like, they've never cared.

Right, right. But the comics, the point, I think the point of the article is comics, real comics have never cared. We've never cared what people, people were never trying to make, I'm gonna tell you what you wanna hear, so you laugh. They're coming up with their opinion about something and making it funny.

So it's like this happened, or this was what I think, how can I make it funny instead of, you know, and I think that's something, you know, a lot of comics, I think that's something you evolve into too, you know? I was just gonna say that. I think it takes time. It takes time, you know, and I think that's something, you know, a lot of comics, I think that's something you evolve into too, you know? I think it takes time. It takes time, you know, I mean,

but their comics look, I mean, I'm a Mitch Fetelgot a lot of shit from comics because I think the week after the towers fell, that Thursday or something we were on stage talking about, trying to be funny about that, you know, September 11th, and he went up and just did his act, which is what kind of does the baby talk thing. And we were like, you're not even gonna mention it? Like, he was like, no, I'm doing, this is what I do,

I'm not, and there was something, you know, where it's like, dude, you got to fucking say something. You're a com, you know, but he was like, nope, this is what I don't do that, I do this, which, you know, you have to take sides on that too. But, you know, I thought it was great that, you know, but he was like, nope, this is what I don't do that. I do this, which, you know, you have to take sides on that too. But, you know, I thought it was great that, you know, I remember bird and all of us were going up trying to be funny about something tragic. And I think, you know, that's what comics do.

I have to be, I mean, not you have to, but I think it's important to try to be funny. Even if it's not funny, but I've seen a lot of people go up about the election and it's really not funny. Look what do you mean? And it changes the energy of the entire show. Like they're just talking, it's just opinion, but it's not. There's sentences.

There's no jokes and statements. It's actually very, like there's no hope. It's just very sad and there's no one's laughing and everyone gets tense and then you have to go up after that. And it's the whole energy of the show is... But you know what I like? And I said this at the stand, the old man. Pizza? I love pizza.

I love pizza. Pizza left this top. Pizza in my favorite. I said, pizza's the ultimate diacular. I don't give a fuck how good you're doing on a diet because my wife does that shit. You know what she does? I'll be like, I'm not getting pizza. All right, you get pizza for the kids.

They want a pie. Get me a salad. But then she leaves the pie box open with two slices sitting there 45 minutes later. That's one of the most hardest things to resist. I took Max out, Max on my little son, we were driving around late last night. I wanted to take it right. I was getting coffee.

We're at Starbucks because I want pizza. I want pizza. My wife calls. I'm like, he wants pizza. She goes, he can have it. Now I'm shaking. Take, you just told me you can go get hookers. Right? I'm like he wants pizza. She goes he can have it. Now I'm shaking. Take you just told me to go get hookers. Right? I'm shaking. I'm a little shaken. He can. So now we go. I'm fucking shaking. I haven't had a fucking

carb. You know what I mean? Trying to keep my shit together. We go I take him to the pizza place. I take him to the pizza place and we get two slices. I got him too. Because I'm a fat fuck. I know he's eating one Understand you fat fuck you dumb deliwies cock sucker. Yeah, he's eating a half a one I get I get to you lie to yours. I mean I too. Oh my god And then they bring the two slices I had a order and then I agree me giving you a spicy calamari I was like I have to I just had dinner I had dinner I

I was like, I have to. I just had dinner. I had dinner. I had fucking me loaf. In vegetables. I saw you eat that fucking football in Montreal. Bubba, that fucking loaf of bread. Here's the fucking killer. I've, Jess, I forget football.

I'll tell you. I forget my wallet. I forget my wallet. I forget my wallet, right? I don't have my wallet. I gotta come to my wife. She has to come. No.

She walks in, she goes, what the fuck are you doing? She's like a tray of lasagna. She goes, why did you get, why are you? Why are you just turning the garfee? She goes, why did you get, you can't repeat. I go, I'm not having to choose what's the slice. It's in front of me. I go, that's fan made. She goes, he's three. It has red pepper flakes. That's right. I prepared it. Ah, fucking I prepared it. Oh, fucking.

God damn it. What I was saying was what I was saying. Sorry, sorry. Peter, I'll fucking go off. No, the comedy crowds have come out after the event, like after the election, I was at the stand a couple days. I was actually on stage like right after the election. And crowds are people that come out.

They want to left. They want to be away from it. Or they know what's going on or how crazy It is and instead of going home or freaking out or or you know and the people there There were people that were happy that are mad at people that are sick But these people everyone just said fuck it I want to go pay for a couple of drinks and watch the funniest people in New York City tell jokes Yeah, those are the crowds that I think are the coolest that are like fuck that like come into that after because how weird To be think about this how weird would it be?

Think about this. How weird would it be, Bobby, if the comic comes like empty? You know, like if people were just like, no, I'm staying home, I'm staying home, that'd be really fucked up. It would be weird, but they never are, because especially during a political season. And it's like, look, I think SNL does a great job

with this election. I think it was funny, except the last one was a little fucking hokey where it's like, all right, we know who you voted for. We knew who you voted for. I think comedy like that should be a little down the middle, you know, when you're doing stuff like that, and they usually are, I get it.

Alec Baldwin's Trump is really fucking funny, man. It was the, when I heard he was doing it, I was like, this is bullshit. And then his was so exaggerated. He was so great that Trump is really the best. The best. It was the, when I heard he was doing it, I was like, this is bullshit. And then his was so exaggerated. And he was so great that Trump couldn't stand it. Meaning he's got pissed off. That's how you know it was so. That's how you know it's good.

Yeah. Yeah, but I think, you know, I mean, look, you do do any political stuff just. No, that's why I've been quiet this whole time. No, no. I thought it'd be a refreshing thing for somebody to not weigh in on. I don't know, like it in on. I don't know.

It's like, I don't know. I don't know. When you said the thing about Fattel, you're like, man, why don't you talk about it? But I legit think there's, there are kind of, like some people don't want to talk about it. Sometimes I have my thing, but maybe like, maybe their way of dealing with shit

is coming out and not talking about it. Some people, some people. I don't have like a really good opinion about anything. So I don't do it. I don't talk about politics. What do you do? I saw your act. You're, you're, you're, look, no, you have a point. I'm like, talking about race and shit. Like I don't, I don't like talking about politics. Like I don't give a fuck. I don't care. Like, if you talk about race and stuff that this election didn't affect you, like with politics, like, I think, especially coming from Oklahoma, like there's especially coming from Oklahoma like there's so

many like there's so many talks about race the older way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I'm there. I've seen my wallet six out of my pants. Uh, there's a Confederate flag. Anyway, all right. Okay. Perfect. Uh, anyway. Uh, see. I get away from you. Oh, oh, fucking. The wallet. Do that joke, but you won't do the one. Yo, right. Well, I was trying to get out there. I was waiting for the hand to come and come. That's what he said at the Apollo. It's a better it's like.

No, dude, I just and I understand what you're saying. So and look, I don't think that you can be whatever comic you want to be. You know, I just did a really interesting podcast with a comic who's a boat guy just does boats. Doesn't come, I mean, really never really comes on shore and what he does, he does kind of the same rooms, but he makes so much money on the boat

and he fucking has two hours of material and it's clean and he came in at the comedy works and the night before you fucking tore it up with 20 minutes of all clean shit and it was non-offensive and you know anybody old young whatever could hear it and he makes a lot of money and he's cool with it And you know you'll never know his name Right, you know I forgot it. I did a butt an hour and a half podcast. I have no idea what it is I literally have to listen to it to fuck your memory. Remember what he said, but you know, it's, it's so I don't think that you have to be, you don't have to be Dave Chappelle, you don't have to be a George Carlin.

No, but I think what you said before, Bobby, was 100% right. You have all right. You evolve, you evolve into it. You evolve into it. You know, like seven, eight years ago, I would just, you know, eight years ago, I would just want to do my act and have a kill now. Now I like me too. I like even digging a hole sometimes. Or just be like, let's see. Let's see how the fuck they take this one. You know, I'm doing a mass shooting joke right now.

And, you know, have to people don't like it. The other have to people love it. But it's an honest, real feeling and thought I have about it. And it's refreshing to me. Like when I get in my car at night and I go home, I'm like, that was fucking awesome that I put that out there.

Cause I know five years ago, I'd have been afraid to put that out there Yeah, because you evolve as a comic you're like fuck it. What is a couple a couple of people aren't gonna like me? Yeah, I'm gonna get a couple of bad tweets. Yeah, I have a joke. I'm gonna act about getting my asshole licked How I was too into it You know, oh my god. Oh my god when you told me that was one of the fun dude I was on the you know, you know, I was on my I'm on the ride home alone thinking about you saying what you said I start I fuckers For losing it. Yeah, it was like when I first said that it was I opened up downstairs one night Yeah, and I was like and people laughed it. I just I was like I

I had to have I used to be really into it when I was younger my 20s And I just that was my thing. I used to just keep my ass all I was younger. My 20s, and that was my thing. I just kept my ass all eaten. I literally had a girl, she would fucking, I'd meet her after work, she'd go, all right, let's go. And I was like, where we going? I'm gonna go eat your ass, let's still do this. I'm sorry, this is my favorite part of the whole plot.

And I got so into it that one time, I was holding my legs over my head. I said I go I go I go I go I go eat I go I go I go I eat my pussy I said I eat my pussy I just remember her I just remember her oh my god, that's one of the funniest. I remember her That is incredible. I remember her. I remember her. I remember her stopping eating my ass I remember that feeling I just remember her head coming up like a whack a mole Just broken and she looked at me. She goes she goes what the fuck did you just say? There's that is such a turn off.

That was bad. I knew I fucked up. I just got two into it. I was like, oh my god. And I thought that might be the sexy thing to say. He was, ah, he ate my pussy. Oh, so you said it on purpose? I was into it.

I was like, ah, I just thought it would, she was, because she was eating my ass like it was a pussy. Like she was fucking it. That is the funny. She was like, ah, I just thought it would she was because she was eating my ass like it was a pussy like she was fucking She was like fucking licking my clit if I had one And I was I was just fucking That was a bad It was about Would you wash? Oh

Well one yeah, of course I watched once One time it was like a hot summer day, and the girl was about to eat mass, and she slapped me on the butt, she goes, go wash your bum bum. And I ran, I ran and washed my tushy, and then came back in. Yeah. She goes, go wash your bum bum.

Go wash your pussy. Oh my God. Oh, that's so funny. That was the last time I saw that girl. That's in there. She didn't see you after that. She, I, look, I've. That's so funny. That was the last time I saw that girl. That's in there. She didn't see you after that. I never seen her again. Here's a deal.

She's out there somewhere. And she sees me on TV once and one goes, you know what this fucking guy is. I'm like, I know she nudges a husband. Hey, look, it's fucking, you know what this queen's into? I swear to God. This queen is one of the funniest things I've ever But it's like what's the other way what if like every guy that she's with now from now on just like I'm gonna put your legs up But I want you to say eat my pussy if that was her thing. Yeah, no she would be she would still be in contact with him

If she was yeah, she she was she I remember go She came she's what did you say and I had to make it like a question like like my pussy I remember I went eat my pussy like is that okay? You're not into that anymore. I mo because my asshole, you know doesn't my asshole back then was one color wrinkle free Now, you know now looks like my asshole now looks like an old squid one color, wrinkle free. Now, you know, now it looks like a, my asshole now looks like an old squid. Oh.

Oh. My asshole, I would not let my wife near my asshole. I would never do that to her. I would not, even if that was the only way I came, I would never let, I would never do that to my wife. Never. Because first of all, I'd have to shave, my, you know, I, you grow hair, like, I was hairless back then. Now I know this hair, I'd have to shave. You know, you grow hair.

Like, I was hairless back then. Now I know this hair, I'd have to shave. So it'd be some, like, it looked like a lawn, like just a little square that was shaved, because I wouldn't want to do the whole cheek. Yeah, it would look like a little patch of lawn. And then, uh... It would be like what those crops are going to be.

Yeah, we like crops. Ah! Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we like a crop. Ah! Yeah, exactly. Exactly, so. Do you whispering, you whispering, eat my pussy, it's the funny thing. It is one of the funniest. It's the right thing.

I think I went like, I think before I went, I went. I went. I went. I went. Oh, you sprained your ear. I think, is that good? So she did something that I was like,

you had a wind up. Oh my god. You had a wind up. He had a wind up too. Oh, wind up. That a nice, like a wind up to eat my pussy. And here's the trick though. If I said eat that pussy, it would almost be acceptable. Eat my pussy, not so much. Because it was interesting.

But you sounded confident behind it. So it's like, if she would have said, what would you have repeated it again? No, I knew I fucked up. As soon as I went, oh my god, when you're doing that, it's so funny. I went, I went, oh fuck, I shouldn't have said that. In my head, I went, that's too far.

And then she stopped and I was like, oh no. And then her head came up. I was like, oh god, this year's, and then I went, eat my pussy. No. Is that okay? Oh, God, while she's eating your ass. Yeah, I was like, oh god, this year's, and then I went, eat my pussy. Like, is that okay? He had to. She was eating your ass.

Yeah, I was bad. Now it was bad. Now that was bad, and then I kind of totally phased out on my butt looking days. It's all done. I'm fucking, it's a wrap. Yeah, the only thing that gets me in my butt is a nice shower massage.

I can even reach it right now. Back in the day, I can reach it. And fucking make sure it's nice and clean now. I literally heard a rib. Yeah, back in the day when I used to be able to fucking get my ass eaten. Those are the days. Those are the days. You just look like a war vet just staring off into the distance. Oh, sorry. Do you guys like your ass to eat?

I'm very hairy ass, so I'm very mindful of not even letting women see my ass. I was keeping in the front. How do you guys look at your ass hole? I haven't seen, you can bend over from a mirror. I'm fucking weird as that. I'm gonna bend over. I just opened my ass and look at me. I told her to go eat my pussy.

That's not weird to me. It's like at a barber shop when you gotta see how it did on your neck. It's the same way.. It's like a barber shop when you got to see like how we did on your neck It's the same way just got to do you just got to have a good You gave your phone put the thing on reverse to a little video bend over check out your asshole watch the video Come on son check it out. Yeah, just like watching it's like watching game tape when you're play football, you know, it's the same thing All right, well perfect. This is called the bomb and I know I know I know. Okay cool There you go put that right on there. Try not to eat it Buddy, I look it it is it look weird sexual stuff. I mean I don't care sex to me you do it ever the fuck you want Oh, yeah, absolutely. I just thought you said is just too much. It's too. It was too much. I knew it was too much

It was too much. It was too much. It was just the wrong person. It's the funniest thing. I mean, it might work with someone else. If there's been other girls that probably would have went, what a fucking ujoo, I know. You fucking bitch. And just been like, I've had girls that probably

this was not that girl. This girl was just kind of a... Well, that make you laugh forever. I will be around Christmas. I'll just be walking down home. I'm just scared of Bobby, just say. Like, oh, I need that post. Dude, that's gonna make me laugh forever.

But here's the thing is that I think that what you're talking about, I might not reveal my political views, because you're right, you might worry about, I say you worry about your world, not the world as much. Some people do that. Some people worry about your world, not the world, as much. Some people do that. Some people worry about their world, which I don't think is a bad thing. I think if more people did that, I say that all the time, we'd be a better people.

If you try to take care of yourself, mental, health-wise, and the people around you, then the world would, that would have a ripple effect on everybody. But I think you can still be vulnerable. You can still, I try to be vulnerable. I try to be as open and honest on stage as I can. You know, and some people do that.

I think Richard Pryor did that. He was very vulnerable. Talked about Suggard and Dick. Talked about shooting his car and being lit on fire and heroin. I mean, look man, that's all terrible shit that happened to this fucking guy, and he just brought it on stage. You know, there's that type of comic that, you know, that can do that.

And then you get George Collins, who just, you know, fucking did this crazy, I don't know, almost mathematically, equation his comic, about the fucking world we live in, and how fucked up stupid people we are, you know, so you know You're how long you been in the business about seven six seven years. I'd be funny if you said six months So I mean yeah, I just think September 11th. I agree with you.

It's different. That was like, when living here and going through that, I remember saying, I'll never do standup again. Really? I didn't know how I was ever gonna do standup again. Yeah. It was so, I don't think we all did. I was so scared.

It was crazy. But the first people that were doing it, whether it was, you know, whatever, whatever comic you are, the first people that were talking about it and making people laugh. Cause I'll tell you who was downstairs. There was around eight people in the crowd and a couple of Muslim and a couple of Jewish, right? And we were on stage. And I just remember, you know, I remember Patrice going on stage and talking about he was like, what would you do if you were the plane in Pennsylvania?

Like if you knew that, like, if you were in the, on the plane, like, what, how would you escape? Like, and we were, the commos were like, oh yeah. So that's what we started doing. We'd be like, he was like, I would, I would fucking, like, you know, I would, would you live or would you die? Would you have like saved the plane? Like we're talking, what would you do, that type of shit?

And we would just laugh. And I remember Burrowing up and did his scenario. I think he got a CD and broke it and cut a guy's throat and his Bruce Willis. I think he landed the plane. Like, he was talking, like in hisis, I think he landed the plane. Like he was talking like in his scenario, I would have landed the plane. So we were being funny about the shit that week, trying to find the funny in that crazy thing. And you know, and that's what, you know,

conversation. But you're also talking about the best and I mean, those, those names just said it were the, I mean, they weren't we weren't there then. Yeah, but we were just fucking we just moved to New York. Man, we were still. I heard they were. Yeah, I think Patrice was six months out of doing, you know, Mac, XXL smoking a sub. You know what I mean?

I mean, you know, he was saying, I remember people saying sign fell to Chris Rock like two weeks after we're going to big clubs and start talking about it. And somebody wrote like, oh, this is when it's okay. When like guys like that, you know, going and talk about it. And somebody wrote like, oh, this is when it's okay when like guys like that, you know, going and talk about it. But yeah, I feel like when you get to a certain level of comment, how do you not talk about it? I think you're right. I feel like,

I mean, I totally understand. I have to. I only, I understand the mission. People are looking to me and people like, people like, oh my gosh, just like, like, what is fatel said? Nobody wants, I mean, like, you know, like nobody's thinking what are those guys saying? But then, but you, if you go to like, if you go to certain things, you know, certain people are the guy, like those are the guys that talk about, like everybody was sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear what Lewis Black was going to say about the election. You're like, that's what that's what I think it's, I think, but I think it's on the flip side to that. I think it's also interesting to see what a Mitch Faitel would say about

that. I don't want to know with a guy like a Jim Gaffigan that maybe talks about food a lot. I want to see. I don't think he would. Because he does a character almost. So it's hard for him. How do you know, right? I understand where he was coming from

because it's like, how would you, you know, how would you go, how would you broach that with when you do that cute little, I was with the girl and, you know, what, you know, and how do you, well he could have turned it into like, I was on the girl when you know what you know and how he could have turned it into like I was on the plane and she would I don't it'd be too yeah I know I know I know I hope it doesn't crash she's pretty yeah that's a funny joke you should have gave that to him I wish you around that'd be funny hey we're going down do you mind touching my penis? Before, I mean, this is our last flight.

Am I looking my pussy? All right, well listen, we got a couple topics we'll bring it up now on the show. Let's do it. We got some fucked up shit that Lauren brought in. Sorry. Your anger and part time aggression while Lauren and Deepu compete for attention It's the worst Best thing I've ever heard in my life. All right. It's the worst best thing ever Can I please just hear the end again please? Okay. It's... Stove...

Attention! We're... Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo automatically get the bomb down at every time. But it's the most, here's the thing, it's so bad, it's beautiful to me. I'm addicted to it. I love crashing and look. Yeah. And then, hmm. And I know the only reason why he got that song is because the only one we can use with that

I haven't fucking YouTube rip it up. We have to pay $10,000 for another song. The only reason I can sample from is has to be from before 1960. No shit. Yeah. That's funny. This show is just going to be silly.

It's not going to be fucking shitty, shitty bang bang. There's a bunch of old people loving this shit. All right. So our first newest story of the day is people are protesting at a standing rock. They're protesting the building of a pipeline and a certain Native American territory Right, and it turns out that people are showing up to this protest Like it's they're treating it like it's burning men They're you know, they're they're partying the doing drugs there. Yeah, because protesting is become

Like a fucking grateful dead concert now. It's a fat. Yeah, it's a's a fucking thing that people do. People are doing it and like taking selfies of themselves, they all get in. Yeah, bring the hot dogs, we're gonna go down. Yeah, but bring the vegan hot dogs. Yeah, exactly. It really is, they're fucking treating it like a festival. It's almost a festival. It is.

And it's ridiculous. When you should be, if you're gonna go there and protest How about staying off the fucking dope and? It's not a party. You shouldn't be banging people Wrap yourself around a tree or a fucking pipe Change yourself to a fucking ask them out and get this shit got what it's just so funny Yeah, but having like vegans and they're camping out next to Indians who like it just like by the way eat like that Shitty is like the food that like they protest against like all that you should have fought high like it's just a

little bit of an Eskimo with a fucking seal head on his Blood dripping down because that's what his fucking ancestors did and he's chewing on whale fat that he fucking murdered off the coast And you're sitting there going hey guys with, we're with you. No, you're not. You're not together. You're fucking asshole. One day in his igloo, you'd fucking throw up. He's eaten fish. He caught seven years ago.

An open letter detailing the camps. Guys, we're in a fucking beaver-peel-mitting. And you're fucking, you're not friends. Stop it. So the protest leader put an open letter out on Twitter and an attempt to tackle the issue. Reminding demonstrators that the camp is not a vacation. Oh God. These people are treating this shit.

How the fucking sad it is. They're really showing up and trying to have a good time. You sound believable. Coachella. At the car. Is she fucking, is her eyes all light and roll back into her head. What was that laugh? He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he I uh, the fuck is wrong with you. Do I want to have sex with you? So bad. Oh, I don't want to fucking just you are hysterical. I gotta do something right. I feel it right here. Where'd you go? I'm smoking.

Not smoking. That's why I get this. Yeah, I love that you just said that. I was wondering if you wanted to. Wait, I was wondering if you wanted to have sex with her. I was thinking about that. I was wondering that too. There's something down here, I think. What?

I don't. Is it a lump? Can I tell you why he went like, not for my health, because if I get some tumor, he's gonna have to quad smoke. But he's gonna have no smoke, but he's shed. Yeah, but he's gonna have to question his smoking. No, that's probably not.

You know what that is? They're pro touching their neck now. Paul, is there a bump there? No. I said there really, I said no scars, and he said, what's Paul gonna say? Yeah, Paul, very, he's gonna smoke some bags. Yeah, but what is it?

Maybe he's gonna throw a throw. What do you feel? Yeah, it's pressing on it. It is something happening. And I don't know what it is. I called Dr. Steve, but he works at a hospice, so he wasn't on the best of moods. Oh, geez. Hey, what's wrong?

Guys, I'm telling you when people can't fucking breathe and you're gonna claw them up. Yeah, I had three sticks last night. I was just up on my drink and he's got some fucking 88 year old who's about to tap out. The whole family's crying. Everybody's tapping out. Can you send me a lot, didn't you?

It's going through morph things like World War II. This guy's dealing with people with emphysema, Bobby calls them. Yeah, down a grudged village, I was wondering. Grudged village. It's fucking three beds a day. No, what is it though? You can't throw.

I don't know what it is, verse. I don't know. I feel like, it's hard to describe. I'm gonna try to describe it right now to you guys Okay, it feels like you know when you're out of breath or like you like you know your hearts really beating I'm with you if Walking up the stairs to get up here. Is that what you mean? I'm so sorry about that Anytime there's a chubby guy on the show. I'm like I fuck every week Between Stavros and Dylan and me just have to make sure that I have somebody that's stretching out the arms

Just squeezed by those wine fucking boxes with your fucking ass Do some type of sideways limbo And then just Lawrence lead in the way just like she's just like oh just like Lauren floats up I was like stretching before I came up. It really is. It really is a mother's life. What is this?

I have. I'm still on the sex with her thing, and you're talking. I don't care about the lump. Are you fat? First of all, I don't want to have sex with Warren. I just want to head. No. I have want to head no

And then maybe some soft kissing before head no She's not of course I know she babysits my kid. That's why well fuck this shit out of it I'm kidding. I don't have that fantasy every time you fucking watch Max. Hey, I'm dying for your card to break down on front. I'll give you a ride. I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna fight you, I'm gonna know you don't care about my health,

you're just worried about your health. No, no. No, no, no. The worst part is I'm from Oklahoma, so my first thing is white trash remnants. Like, did you try a big spaper rub? You sure? It drips in my pants.

It might be sinus. It might be sinus. No, you took a sinus pill. Shut your face. You didn't kick in. I swear to God, it might be, I feel, I don't know what it is. I got a, you have a sore throat? No. You have a sore throat. No feel I don't know what it is I got us

No, I don't have a sore throat it might be sinus it might be something sinus I have a Doctor's appointment with an ear throat nose and fucking bum. What are they called? No, no throat I got next one next one I want somebody to check my butt so bad No, and my doctor won't every I got girl doctors in Westchester go to a gynecologist and they won't what all right Well, you already have it. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I don't try so we like I was just listen don't eat the pussy Listen don't listen course. Don't pull the trigger every time okay, just hold off

I've just I keep waiting for Versa to save me It's what I'm trying to do like I'm just come on. Don't you get rectal exams? That's the thing I never they won't check my ass You don't know that I know that's a 50 well, yeah, but they changed it to 45 Oh, I think I think you're asked well, she puts her finger in my ass I I want to finger in my ass so bad Jessica. I get one. She like fingers man. Hang on Versi not so not fuck listen Vers, wait, you got really fucking serious about that. Did you see I want to I want to finger in my ass daddy. I want to figure in my ass

It sounds better you were the one who had that bit, right? It sounds better with that accent. Yeah. It's my asshole. What is it? I hate that joke. I can't do it. All right, so listen.

I'm letting her, she did the other one though. Okay, before you fucking jump down my throat, big guy. You fucking make her fucking. I'm gonna reverse his voice, because you can jump. I can only do that. Ha ha ha. Wait, is your throat hurting? I just have a lot of pain. You fucking make her fucking reverse his voice cuz I can jump I can only do that Wait, is your throat hurting? I go to the doctor and I'm like when you know I keep going

One thing I check my you know, I don't know how to broach I don't know I said broach twice in an episode You can say you can say can you check my ass? You got a call my house you get a colonoscopy of 45 then. I didn't get one. They won't fucking give me one. That's not what you know. I was saying. Because they did my blood work and they say they're saying that we don't see, we see known, we don't see cancer or anything in your blood work.

Your blood work is good today, these days you're good. And then, and I'm like, yeah, but I'm shitting ribbing candy some days. What? Oh, I shit ribbing, sometimes it's a loaf, sometimes it's a ribbing candy some days. Oh, shit ribbing. Yeah, sometimes it's a loaf. Sometimes it's a ribbing candy. Exactly. You know, I'm talking about it.

It's like, what is that? What's what's what's what's can you bring up ribbing candy for her? I know you get a finger in there. You you go after that. It's good. I never stick a finger.

You know what I got as the bidet. And it has the animal function where you push the button. Okay. It goes. Oh, you got it. What the the button No, do we do we do we yeah, like a ribbon can like a tape war comes out flat. Yeah, it's ribbons Flat and ribbony My word if doesn't like an obstruction over like a

Italian so you're uncomfortable like no Talent so you also got an obstruction over here As an Italian doctor listen shit ribbing candy my grandmother's Like this before all right, let me get my colleague over here. I mean this kid shit and shaped out here Shaped out here. Shaped. I, uh, uh, shit knocked the guns. Let me tell you, when you shit a nice loaf, you have a shit of loaf. I mean, I should a cat.

Getting them so angry when I shit sometimes it's like, you got it. I went to the doctor and told you to cat. When I went to the doctor, he said, uh, said, if you said if you eat one thing of yogurt, it's a probiotic and it resets your digestive tract. So I'm not a yogurt guy, but I started to like a raspberry yogurt Greek yogurt in the morning. But it changes everything. It's like hitting the fucking changes everything. I'm telling you take a probiotic take a probiotic or if you don't like yogurt, take a probiotic pill and it changes everything. Well, I have a probiotic, but I have a problem taking pills every day because I'm on

the road a lot. You know what it is. And it's like, yeah, I take the pill, but you know, I gotta get it. And then you have to find the greatest fucking probiotic because of the way you're addicted. Dude, in Wisconsin, I swear, you'll be shit in the fucking fountain. The probiotics are good, dude. I was surprised they don't do that because they do it with women. I want it so bad. I just want to finger on my ass. I'm sorry and I'm like sorry. What

are you? What are you expecting to hear? I nothing. I want to hear it. Hey, you're fine. Yeah. But just go up in there and let me know what the fuck's going on. Stick a finger. It's not going to hurt me. Trust me. It's not going to hurt. I'm not going to complain once. You can spit on it. I'm gonna make you use the fucking loop put it up Let me get it don't even use the gloves. They use loop Okay, if you fucking bite your finger get a hang now Just check my ass and make sure I don't fucking die Yeah, that's fucking so fine. There's a certain point where you get that we old and they're like fuck it

My grandfather had a colon can't breathe in If you had a call and My wife's fucking, that's so funny. My wife's GPS is literally the dirtiest GPS ever. Every time it's supposed to take a turn, she goes, and, half a mile, take a left. That's a mile, I'm gonna...

My dick literally has a heartbeat. Every time I hear she goes, and, half a mile, take a ride at the fork You got to put it on Australian. Oh my god Little you crawl inside my ball hole my cavity. There's a cavity where your balls should go Well my vagina would have been if I went that way instead of this way. That's who I'd fight Should go with my vagina would have been if I went that way instead of this way. That's who I'd fight Hello

Let's have a mile in 20 meters whatever the fuck it is Like All right, people give us some more news What do we got? So, our first Lauren story, Lord, do you want to handle the Starbucks story? Oh, you got so, again. Oh! Yeah, guy, what he did is he scammed Starbucks 365 days a year.

He took out a happy birthday free coffee card and he used it every day for a year, you got free coffee. And now it's like a thing that everyone's doing now. But I don't know, I don't know if I could do that. Would you do it? Every day? I wouldn't do it. No, it's a lot of work.

It's a lot of work. You wouldn't do that. Parma's a motherfucker. I couldn't do it. That's what shit comes back to you. Now I wouldn't do it every month. It shows you what type of part, I was talking to my wife about this the other day.

It's there's certain people that will do certain things and I just don't fucking get it. Not with you. You know, I just don't get it. Like I'm my kid, we were going to get baggles on Sunday and he goes. Oh, it's gonna get fucking good. We got six.

We're going to get five. So I didn't have any by the way. So I had a, you know, I haven't had it in a. So I didn't have any by the way. So I had a, you know, I haven't had it in a month. I haven't had any girls. Right. Except thanks given I had a little bit, but then right back on the day.

Anyways, he has this little pink tape that you use to wrap up a knee injury or whatever. He just had it. We, I had it for some reason, because when I learned into drums, I wrapped it around my fingers because I bled a lot, because I held onto it, and said, he loves it, he plays with it,

and does stuff, he takes it with them, we're walking, it falls, and rolls, under this guy's beamer, as the guy's pulling up, he, I know he saw it, and he pulls up, and I'm like, oh, we're rolled under the car, guy gets out, here's me, say,

oh, I'm literally like trying to look under his car. Walks right by me and my kid doesn't say, oh, what do you, you know, oh, you want me to bat, nothing, like whatever. Okay, so then we're coming out and we're like, oh, we got to wait for the guy. As he's walking out, I go, we just get away for the guy to, you know, hit something under his car. We're going to get it. The guy fucking ignores me.

I feel like going hey you fucking creep This is my son his fucking pink tape when I need a dumb beamer you fucking arrogant fuck face ridiculous You know say something as a human God dude. I'm moving on I'll get it for you say head of the kid is just get to this stupid beamer It was home to his dumb fucking whatever my own Acceptable rant. Shit, shit family for another shit generation of fucking shit be if you might look it you have a beamer You're a fucking douche. That's my theory. You have the fucking

Audacity to fucking buy that fucking dumb car Every 99.9% of the people who buy a beamer and drive a BMW, you're a fucking douche. A fucking douche. I think that that shows what type of person that is, because a real good person would go, oh, you're son, you see a fucking three-year-old. Of course, anyone with a conscience may have found it.

And you see me talking bit, right? Meh, hey, no. I'm being, you know, trying to yeah, you know, you know, and then we found this fucking guy ran over it. What? It was in the fucking street with a fucking dire mug. I was like, wow, and I told my wife, I'm like, that, that type of person, I could never be, if I came out of my car

and I saw a little kid and he dropped and I, and I heard, I'd be like, oh, let me pull out. You want me to get, I actually bend down and grab a foot of the guy. No, that people aren't like that. Not a lot of shit people in the world. That's terrible. A lot of shit people in the world. I'm coming today.

I'm taking the left. Now you're driving in New York City. Driving in New York City is a lot harder than walking in New York City because it doesn't favor you. It favors the pedestrian or the bike guy. So you have to really, so when you get, for me when I walk in the city, if it's their turn, the cars turn, I let them have it. Yeah.

You know, so I'm taking the left over here. This girl's literally crossing the street diagonally, nowhere near the crosswalk. I don't see her because there's a car in front of me. As I'm taking it, she's right there and I have to stop. She's like, what the? That happened to me after that. She goes, she goes, what the fuck? Yeah. Like, I'm, some blonde fucking. Dear sonar didn't help, you know, get it out of the way. What's that? Dear sonar? Listen, it's okay. It's all right. It was, I was kind of with you on it, but then you did the hand thing at the head I'm so in it. Yeah, you sold it. I mean I said so and I was more like this. That's the worst

Yeah, I was a serial to me yesterday. She's like she's like fuck you and I'm like what are you talking about? I let you go bitch. I panicked roll. I rolled on the window with fucking five fingers. I hit the button I'm like, I'm like, get me a fucking crosswalk! You're not a fucking car! I have the fucking legal rights! I just started fucking streaming rights. He starts looking some kind of like I get enraged. So mad because I look at if I'm in the right and you fucking yell at me. Oh, it's the worst.

If I was a serial killer I would kill kill the bicycle people like that would be my thing I can't because you're right. I wasn't the law is against I would I would not do that because most of them deliver food Okay, so I would not do all right with the exception of the delivery guys. I'm talking about the fucking city bike people Yeah, if you had a tube in your backpack Fuck you down break the rules. It's never delivered guys to break the rules They're always like where you're supposed to be it's some fucking twat from uh uh Minnesota uh who could walk in you're a New York City now asshole look up from your dumb phone take your ear buds up the greatest day of my life

was when I saw her girl oh god I was going to the airport very early and I saw this dummy jogging with her dumb iPhone and she had a fucking cab had the right away and whipped her out. She went up, flipped, landed on her fucking back. Her legs went over her head. Her fucking earphones fell out, a shoe came off and then she stood up like her,

like a drunk fucking homeless person. And it was her fault. I loved it. I was a good for you. You know what else drives me crazy? I was behind someone the other night driving home from the city and they took, I'm not exaggerating. Two full bags of food, like from McDonald's, just containers, and threw them out the window. I was like, what the fuck is that? Like, it's definitely just throw out a cup, I mean, that even gets me crazy,

but two full bags of containers. Wow, yeah, that's crazy. It's like, there's videos if you want, and YouTube can help you with this, like it's like therapy for me, because you can YouTube. There's a guy on a motorcycle who will go get the trash and then drive up, knock on the window, and then get the trash and then drive up

knock on the window and then throw the trash milkshake and all right inside the fucking car. And then he's gone. It's the, see if you can find that. I've seen it so many times. I love it. It makes me feel so good. He knocked, and they're like, yeah, and throws the diet code.

I know what I like. I like watching the bullies get knocked out. Ever watch those? Oh, yeah, and throws the diet code. I know what I like. I like watching the bullies get knocked out. You ever watch those? Oh, yeah. It's the great thing. It's the best. The bullies get knocked out. They're picking on a little kid and he's like sitting

there crying and all of a sudden. He just turns into a fucking UFC fighter. And he is, it's the best dude. I know what I like. And this is kind of bad is when the robbers get the fucking shit kicked out of them or when the fucking killer or the mugger. And like when I, like they have these videos on,

you can see where the guy's about, you know, how you're gonna kill somebody and the guy pulls out a gun and goes, fun, fun, fun, fun. I've never seen that. And then the person just drops. And they're like, okay, cool, there you go, dummy. There you go.

We wanna rob the store. Oh yeah. Oh, when it goes reverse, it goes the wrong way cool, there you go, dummy. There you go. You want to rob the store? Oh yeah. Oh, when it goes reverse, it goes the wrong way. When somebody diffracts themselves. It's the same thing as the bully, it's the guy gets shot. Which is probably bad. I shouldn't, I don't want to see anybody die, but if, you know, you don't know what happens to him,

maybe they, you know, healed up in fucking prison. Did you ever go nuts and watch me? Beheadings and stuff, stuff they have. I do not watch beheadings. Oh, I can't watch that. I have, it crazy. I know. You watch that. Yeah Here's a video ready ready. Do you have any sound? Oh, sorry Oh, I don't think they're sound That's the fucking greatest video ever.

The guy goes to rob him, he takes a nine out of his back, puts it in his cheek, the guy goes, I'll see you later. Yeah. Do you have the bike guy? Did you get the bike guy? I miss you describing those. It's the trash. It's a motorcycle guy throwing trash, picking up people's trash.

It makes me feel so good YouTube is very therapeutic you can go on these you can go on there and just listen to a watch people just get their come up And which makes me feel good. I know that's probably I get it. It's probably Isn't that funny? I make me nauseous. I can't watch it. Yeah, I don't like that shit either. I don't like when people get hurt How's your throat? He's not smoking tonight Do you smoke every night? I'm a smoke in a lot this week because of the holiday and I was home What the fuck I thought I just had a stroke. I thought that was death. I thought that was death

You hear you and the lights go out. Oh, fuck me. Oh! Oh, sorry. It's too much noise. So the guy throws out a paper cup. So the guy throws out a paper cup. Oh my God. Hey fucking takes an asterisk. It's incredible. He's gonna be more upgraded. Look at that.

Just throwing shit out the window Wow All these video they all look staged though. Yeah, these one dude look a little stage, right? That's gonna be safe. Yeah, I don't want to fall I fall for that internet shit all the time I'm like dude, it's real. It's a panther It's not a fucking pan. Look at the zeal pick up the snake and then throw it at the people the picnic Yeah, that was fake God damn it I thought that was real Fucking it. So was it fake? Shit, those are greatest video ever. I didn't see it. What was it?

Fucking eagle comes out of the sky grab the snake out of the water and fucking throws it at a fucking picnic And the people in the video David man, I suck. I'm the most gullible fucking douchebag on the planet I saw like an eagle pick up a baby and just fly away with it. Is that real? I don't think... Think of the Mexican flag. It's a fucking Harry Potter. It was probably just fucking thousand.

What the fuck? But there is something weird. There are these... Man, and this is why I get scared with these fucking... You know, when people start treating politics like a religion, like somebody walked on water, like some weird shit, and they don't see the light on the other side, I get fucking weirded out, man. And some of these people don't, they don't care. They will fucking do mean shit and not have any connection to a human

being. I can't, I'd never be able to do that Starbucks thing. I don't give a shit. I'll just pay for it. And some part of me makes me feel like maybe that's, that makes me, you know, that's how people, successful people win. They're able to do shitty things and not connect to it. But do you do?

Well, not all. I mean, I think that's some people. I don't, I don't agree with that. I think that there are pieces of shit that hold onto their money, their cheap, they would cut corners, they're into the coupons and stuff like that. But I don't think, I don't think every,

but maybe the way I'm in it, though. Yeah, when, I get a different, I don't. You had me with the cheap cogs, but the coupons are actually, that's actually, that's a beautiful thing. That's not cheap. I feel like they say for seats. Yeah, yeah.

No, I don't, I get my wife. That's efficient. I don't understand why fucking, I can't do it. I can't get a fucking coupon, but I don't do it either. It's like 60 cents, I can't do it. I'm not the same way I'm not. It's like just get to the fucking store and get it. My wife, one time my wife, and here's the funny thing.

My wife's a nickel chaser. No, here's the thing. My wife, my wife makes money. We have money. We're comfortable. She just, she knows she can't get her, you know what she can't wrap her head around? She can't wrap her head around the 75% off candy

the day after Valentine's Day. She gets everything. She just gets candy by the fucking boatlet. And I'm like, why? Why? 75% off, it was like $2 for two. I know, I know, I don't give a fuck about that though. But my wife is such a nickel chaser,

but she won't get something unless she can hunt down a deal Like anything she goes I'll buy it. I'm like I'll buy it right now. No, I'll get it She and three weeks later. She would like I forgot it. I got I say five dollars go Yeah, but you took three weeks of my life away You mother fucker. I could have choose three weeks ago Yeah, so I shouldn't have done a coupon thing, but I'll tell you this I shouldn't sit there because you're right no I'll tell you this. I shouldn't have said that because you're right. No, because you're right,

because I was saying something else. There are people that are not pieces of shit that are, I also think a lot of people have that, and I even saw that in the election too. A lot of people are under the impression that wealthy people and people with a lot of money are pieces of shit. And I get that, and I'm just like,

that's really not the case always. I know people that work really hard and have a lot of money and they're very nice people. They're not just like, oh the fuck, fuck them. They'll stop on anybody for the rich getting richer. I know people that have money that are not like that. Oh, I do too. Yeah, you know, I think that and some people just,

some people just, you know, they think a certain way. I think if you're going into Starbucks every day stealing a coffee, you were fucking raised. Like that's real, you're a piece of shit. you a fucking raise like that's really your piece of shit Yeah, your mom or dad's a hunger shit Yeah, he did it 365 times like after like eight wouldn't you be like what the fuck? Yeah, but I mean how many I give money back when they give me too much money like I have to be like yeah If I saw somebody drop a 20 I'd fucking give it back

That's how I am like I mean like we also live in a culture where the hustler is celebrated So it's like the idea of like you're like the same people that are like fuck that person and that Starbucks It's bullshit that person should be hung by like but they all went and saw wafel wall street and loved it You understand like it's like it's the same shit like they love your way too confident. I'm why I'm getting When your 400 pounds you got a When you're 400 pounds, you gotta find a guy. I'm just fine with what you do. There was that band that game Spotify,

I made a ton of money, and no one yelled at them either. So... What happened? There was a band that made an album of all silent tracks and told their fans just play their music on Spotify. Yeah. And they just made like tons of money at the time. I don't know, dude.

There's a fine... You can throw garbage out. If you can rob Starbucks. If you can do Rob Starbucks, if you can do, if you can, people, okay, somebody, you have to have somebody cut a line. You have to have somebody, do you know what a fucking arrogant piece of shit? You have to be too, too, too, too, too,

cut a fucking, to walk up and weasel your way in and fucking look back like what? I know a lot of people do that kind of stuff. We run the security line at the airport with Bartnik. Yeah. And I guess Bartnik does take his time. But he's on, I mean, you're on a security line. I mean, you fly all the time.

We fly all the time. And you know, you put your shit in the tray. And I guess he's, you know, taking his shoes off. And his blonde woman just walked right in front of him and did it. And he just, he dude, he goes in. He goes, what the fuck? He goes, I can't stand impatient people and she's like and he's just like oh You know what and he just fucking gave it to her partner. It was like yeah, he just fucking gave it to her dude Here's a problem my therapist to he's he said why why why do you have to go to war because I'm doing it for the people behind me?

I know that's what maybe they're not gonna change. I was right, Ramon. She's not gonna change My therapist always like I like it so just you just you just like like you're too confident Fuck you. No, I'm gonna cur him at the front. I like fucking. I liked it. I thought it was good. I left and we all left I like to fucking I liked it. I thought it was good. I left and we all left. He oh Jesus Christ Jesus I really my therapist could say he's touched me so many times He said you don't have to go to mind you don't have to go to war and then never gonna change which he's probably right But don't you feel like my mind? No, how do you know someone's not, doesn't have an emergency like in the car? I'm like, so everyone has a fucking emergency.

Every single person is cutting me off and I saw the great myself as an emergency. What did you say? I just saw the greatest, the greatest one of all time was, I was at the Starbucks by standup New York. And there was like a long line of people and this person comes and tries to blow pass everybody and there's a woman in a wheelchair.

She's like too bad like she's waiting to go to the bathroom. And he's trying to enter the code and he's looking at us We're seeing trying to enter the code and the girl in the wheelchair sees that nobody's doing anything. So she just pushes like just kind of just starts You can hear the click of the chair start and she goes right up to the door and like as he's pulling it open She slams it shut and she goes and she just goes nope and Just stood there until he realized that there was a line Wow, all right, well, she sat there. She sat there What punching down She's standing in her heart, right? She stood on the wheelchair and she said, no.

In her brain, she stood there. She had no feet. It was just great because she just goes, nope. And he just kind of stood there and then went to the, I like, he left. He didn't even use the bathroom. He left. Wow. And it was just like, why is it a route, like just a row filled with people? I remember one time I was at the Red Sucks game and it was I paid 250 Standing room only five deep Five deep five fucking deep Red Sucks Yankees and There was there was fucking four chairs open and And they're for wheelchair people and their friend

So there was a chair for the friend of course, so you're trying to be friends a space for for wheelchair people and their friend. So there's a chair for the friend of course So you're trying to be friends a space for the wheelchair people and in my head I'm like fuck I can't I'm just my feet hurt, but I couldn't Sit down Because but then all of a sudden some fucking Yankee Some fucking douche sat right down it fuck this. I'm sat down. Had a nice enjoyable game. Wasn't tied. And there's fucking dumb flat foot bob fucking hurting with his gout. He's too much seafood. Dude, and he's fucking my buddy went to college with a kid who went to a Yankee game at the World Series of Playoffs

and they had the they brought a wheelchair and he wasn't. No, I'm not. I'm the end of the game. Papa, I'm the end of the game. Stan. I'm the end of the game. So I was like, I was standing up cheering and we ran to the field. Like there was a miracle. I got him in something.

I can do it. Yeah, I got him in something. When I hurt my knee, I'm going to hurt my knee. When I had a knee surgery, right? I had, after a meal, I still had the leg brace, and I had a gig in Vegas. You know, Vegas back in the day. You know, bad Vegas airport is when you leave.

Yeah, you put the fucking, I did do this. I'm a piece of shit, does it? I put the brace on. And when I get out of the cab, I was limping. I've done that too. I was limping, but here's the fucking problem. When I go to New York, I pull the kinds on and I when I get out of the cab I was limping I've done that I was living but here's the fucking problem when I go to New York I pulled the Kaiser Soze I was living and all of a sudden I started walking I was walking fine I was slowly getting better oh shit I'm a piece of shit though

I'm not in the cab like the cab driver when I was going here the Velcro when I went out and I was going to the airport from the old doll I had it on but I really just I was fucking I would die I got listen I Well, yeah, no they gave me they gave me the there's a handicap Does a handicap back then there was a handicap lane? Right and it was first I think it was first class handicap in the boys.

So I just kind of went up to that lane and they're like, okay, sir, then just let me go. So I fucking went in, I had a limp all the way to the plane. Limp on the plane, fly, limp inside when I had a pee. Get off the plane, limp off the plane. But once I hit, once I hit, I saw that baggage just claim that I started fucking long history. You lift the line for good fucking eight hours of your day. Yeah, I had to though, I had that baggage glenda I started fucking live for a good fucking eight hours of your day

Yeah, I had to though I had that fucking line was too long dude Dude I was I felt like shit, dude. I still feel bad when I think of it I didn't remember that's I buried it. I buried it like fucking sleep with a tranny I buried it never have I couldn't see what you did is different though You're trying to travel I get this guy shows up to Yankee Stadium in a wheelchair That he's fucking stand up here at home runs. I mean, I don't know if I can do that Fucked up What else you got people what else you got for the news? Can I hear the song one more time? Please? Oh, you mean the new segment song?

I just want to hear the news One more time please. Oh, you mean the new segment song? Yeah, I just want to hear the news The site it's addictive your anger and part time a Crescent while Lauren and Deepu compete for attention Is there a list of this? That's him that's you that's You have a list. I guess so This is me finding out Oh

All right What else you want to do what how's the chat room doing by the way? Let's let anybody in there If you guys something you get any questions in the chat room, please ask them. I'm not anything do you have anything? You're gonna question to the chat room, please ask him. Anything, do you have anything? Vigodia, I don't even know how to say his name, but some guy says, Bobby's asshole now looks like a fried calamari that fell in the barbershop floor. Oh, because you said it was hairy,

and you said it's like a... Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love when they try to do what we do. I love it. Dude, it looks like with Anna anna, anna ho. It's a comedy madlibs for the- That's not bad. I see the attempt. Not bad. I'll give him credit. Because when you put it all together, it's not bad.

Right, yeah. Anyways, all right. Listen, we got a fucking talk of a two hour. We got to wrap this up. Let's go through this. This takes around fucking 20 minutes anyways, because some will say something. What? Before we go, I got to talk to you, baby. You did a movie with fucking Danero. Yeah. Let's stop. Let's stop and say this. Not only did you do the movie with Danero, you were his kind of personal comic helping him along. Yeah, this whole process.

I mean, I mean, it's Danero. Yeah, it's crazy. Danero and he mentioned you. Yeah, he mentioned on a talk show, didn't he? On Kimmel, yeah. That's all he said. He probably will a lot more to, we, you know, he came and he came to the cellar

and I was on stage one night He was with Taylor Hack for the director. Can I stop you one second? He came one night when I was there too and as soon as I hit the stage Him and the group left oh shit. Oh, not that night. It was a long time ago before the movie I just remember he was there looking at somebody or what he was in the crowd and I walked up and I was like oh my god And as I got on stage I almost almost went, where are you going? That almost came out of my mouth. Yeah.

I almost went, where are you going with people? I was like, the story of my life. Yeah. Conan people stand up New York. I go up last. They literally get up and walk out. That's how I was in San America. He got up.

He was looking smiley, likened and then there was nobody in the room, and he left at the end, and I was like, what the fuck? And it was right when I like kind of sent him my shit. I was like, oh fuck. Yeah, but it still worked out, didn't it? Well, I didn't do a show. I passed my, he passed my set, but I didn't do a show. Yeah.

I'm saying go, I just want to see if the Verzy effect was in there. Well, you, I was going to kill myself, but yeah, he liked my show. That's hilarious. I love it. I was going to kill myself, but yeah, he liked my show. That's hilarious. I love it. First, he kind of liked somebody really doesn't, he goes, that's hilarious. Fuck it, he goes.

No, you know what it is? I just hit my star, but I didn't eat tonight. I didn't eat tonight. We're going to wrap up right now. But I just want to say, the movie was the movie called. It's called The Comedian, and I also, I just spent six months doing it, but I consulted on the whole film. And it was an incredible experience. And I also, I just spent six months doing it, but I consulted on the whole film.

And it was an incredible experience. And I became a producer and... It can't be. Yeah, yeah. On the film. It's the most insane situation. You were a producer on the film? Yeah, on the music.

Because I did so much that I ended up getting a producer credit and it made me a consultant credit. Because I really consulted on every even like the the sets the I mean it's just it's not it wasn't just about comedy I mean I wrote a lot of it too and couldn't get a writing credit why is that because of the guild I couldn't get a joint in the game no they had they gave too many writing credits out it was like a whole cluster fuck but um but it was it was incredible and he and I just connected it I don't know why it didn't face me. I don't know. I can't even explain it

Didn't you why because you're a fucking I'll tell you why because you're a good person You come from the heart. Yeah, and you're funny and you so you dealing with somebody who's probably just a you know He is really a regular person and honestly most of them were there's a lot of stars in it I spent a lot of time with Harvey Kytel and Edie Falco and a lot of people she's amazing she's such a good person I talk about her earth her kid because I didn't know Jackie I didn't just a small scene with her and me and her I mean yeah I showed I I showed I love you. I mean, we she was so nice. We were we were trash in the mom on on not trash, but we were talking funny about the mom on red none of it. Oh, right. Hoppa. She kept going, Hoppa ready. Did you see the hoppa? Just so funny,

just, you know, funny about it. And then we did the scene. And then I see her this year at Louis had a party. She's there with her daughter. Her daughter is fucking awesome. Hannah, we're max. Yeah, really cool. Great person. She's so funny to meet these people. And you're like, oh my God, that's Edie Falco.

And you're like, the nicest person ever. She came to the cellar one night and rode her bike there and just came to a show and had never been to a comedy show before. It's weird how down to earth these people are. They really are. They don't want to be treated like- Rob and Wright was at the fucking village underground one night.

She comes out to me with her son smoking. I mean, just a different human being. And she was like, wow, yeah. My son, I was like, oh my God, it's like you're talking to me. This is the crazy shit I have. We forget the comics, the power we have. Yeah, they think that we're like, I mean, we are. Yeah.

No, when you make people, like Michael Strang, the two-time Super Bowl champion giants was in the crowd at the stand. And afterwards, like, yeah, no pictures. Don't ask him for pictures, right? So I'm like all right So he just hurt me talking to somebody and he goes I'll do really funny Yeah, yeah, and then like a dick. I said the dumbest fucking thing to we take my place I said no, let's give him the face and I go No, as I'm taking a picture with him I go oh seven change my life and I'm oh

Oh grown man Okay And I was thinking this fucking Bull nerd oh Seven change my life it did nothing to your life. I was fuck I got drunk. I was hung over it fucking rolling my Fuck it, Verzy. What the fuck?

This is why comedians are the best. Nobody would admit that. People go to the grave with that fucking, that fuck up. People go to the grave with that fuck up. Like, and I'm feeling all good because they're saying he wants no pictures. Then he sees me. He must have thought I was funny.

He wants to take a picture. And then I fucking put my hand around his Fucking big giant black back And he's a fucking statue And I'm so fucking psyched that I'm holding this this fucking adonis And I With giant To the story was that's like a new comedy big giant black bag

Well, no because you know I know why it's the fucking best thing ever. And I got my fucking armor on this fucking honest who fucking made my life better for two nights. And I fucking asked on, instead of smiling, going, I just made this guy laugh. And he said, he said, I asked him for the picture, but he came up to me. And then I go, oh, seven chains, what the, what the, you whisper it? I don't mind, maybe, yeah, because the picture when he came up to me and I go oh seven change my life I said what the hell you whisper it. I don't might maybe yeah Because a picture's coming I don't you know I'm not gonna yell it I can I just say some that's worse than eat my pussy. I think that's worse. I'd rather have it Eat my pussy then oh seven change my life. I don't know what I mean I didn't say it like fucking you are getting of a Justin Timberlake song She put John in a

Michael I Want to say though, she's great for our fucker. I know I do goddamn it if it's fucking That's all I can all seven change my life. I want to make a movie about it I was gonna make a movie about how you walked away on this fucking guy just saw me Well, and I'm thinking he fucking now he's I'm some fucking nerd I want to make a movie about it. I was going to make a movie about it. I walked away going, this fucking guy just saw me go well. And I'm thinking he fucking, now he's, I'm some fucking nerd. That's what I was going to question.

I was going to put some football there. Did you call your wife, Antella? And she gets, all right. I think I, I know, I just texted her and said, string ants here, and I took a picture with him. I had a good set in front of him. But I don't think I told her all seven changed my life. That's damage.

I mean, if you don't put that in your act, I'll never talk to you again. I literally will never talk to you again. I tried it a couple times. Fuck mean, you don't put that in your act. I'll never talk to you again. I literally will never talk to you again. I tried to couple of fuck you. You keep make that work. Yeah, I know. You've been fucking oh seven changed my life. I mean, what? What the fuck? Oh my God. It did nothing. No, nothing. I mean, I have a children. I have fuck. I'm a guy of children. That changes that changes your life You never said that to your kids you never walked empty you changed my life I know of course, I don't fucking rule the joke all right fucking take these fucking tool laughing at it You suck them right out. No, I did I did I want to make sure you know that I love my kids

I mean like I'm a sports guy. I was like wow, I can't even I can't even imagine I mean like I'm a sports guy. I was like wow that's like I can't even like even a match The belt buckles dig into my fucking fat right now. I got a stop I got a piss and my I think I just cut my stomach open Well listen I want you to check out the movie the comedian Yeah, congratulations, Jessica. Congratulations. Congratulations. And I'm glad that I love when shit unfolds like that. Because I remember I saw you bopping around during the day. I remember talking to Liz. What's she doing? She's doing a movie.

I remember two. You told me that one day you were like, yeah, I'm going over to, I think you called them Bobby, right? Well, I don't know. Everyone calls him Bob. What'd you call him? Bob. Bob. That's what I've never heard one person call him Rob.

Can you still call me Bob? Yeah. Didn't know. Did you introduce yourself to Bobbi? I know you do. I love it. Did the director approach you? Or did he approach you after he saw a performance?

Director, I was doing a gig in Florida, like three days later. And the director called me at noon. And he's like, Bob and I would like to meet you on Wednesday. And I'm like, Bob, he's like Bob DeNiro. I'm like, how did you get out? How did you get hooked up with this? They saw me do stand up. It's actually so inspiring.

The story they saw me downstairs at the cellar. What the fuck? I know. And they got my number. And then I met with them for three hours. And he and I completely hit it off. And then I I ended up teaching him. I like met him two days later at the underground with a microphone. That's great. And I met him every day. at the underground with a microphone. That's great.

And I met him every day. And then I just became, we just hit it off. Did you make some money? Yeah. He paid me. So I was, he hired me to check from Robert and Aaron. He hired me. The movie didn't.

So I was in a very interesting position because he wanted me at every scene. I was in his ear. So I was in another room with the microphone and a headpiece and scene. I was in his ear. So I was in another room with the microphone and a headpiece and he had a thing in his ear. So a lot of the lines you see, I fed to him in his ear. It's crazy. Well, he's on stage, right? Yeah, no, even off stage. Like I was in like the the intimacy. I was there for every single. Get the fuck away from me. And then Leslie would, well, Leslie, man, wanted me to be like her, you know, in between person at times, because it was all men and her, you know, a lot. So I'd

go in the trailer with her and like, speak up for her. It was crazy. I learned so much. It was unbelievable. That's amazing. Maybe want to produce stuff. Wow. That's great. Oh, you got the credit now. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, now, you know, who to cast in your movie, but it was interesting because he he didn't you know the team wrote right over that didn't you Am me Versi no straight hand His life's been changed, but I I had a spit there were times a lot of times when I was like I don't want to go I don't want to show up really yeah my like my why because I was he would

It was tense because they didn't some of them didn't want me around wait a why because I was he would be it was tense because they didn't some of them didn't want me around wait a minute because I was but they wanted Bob to do what they were saying to do and I would fight with them and say that's not right he should be doing this so other comedians or other producers no the director and some of the producers hmm that's a tough look that he hired me yeah but say no no I want you to say every they say whatever you want so I was like well I'm you to say everything. Say whatever you want. So I was like, well, I'm working for him. Isn't that fucking that sucks when you have that when I did that MMA when I did that

MMA film were there that the kid that just brought me as I got your bigger part. I found out he did some maneuvering, but I don't know. I didn't know. So he just ended all of a sudden. I hear him go hold on on the set, dude, on the set. Hold on. Somebody's got a fucking problem with what's going on here. I'll take my fucking actor, I'll take the UFC guy, we'll get the fuck out of here, don't be talking behind my back.

Let's get to other producers on the phone and find out who's doing it, and it was all because He fucking maneuvered his way to get his friend in. I didn't know anything. I said dude, I'll take one line They wanted me to be this fighter because some UFC guy wanted more money, right? So that's how I got the gig but hear me I'm just trying to get some and then put me in a really fucked. I'm looking around going First some people don't want me first day. I got yelled at the first day of the year Y'all that for what I'm not gonna say who but I I I got to undo my bubble I went

It's too the stories too good. I get we got to keep going. I don't give a fuck I went to bed chat room If you got I got to keep going. I don't give a fuck. I went to bed. Chatroom. If you got to I got to stand in the back of the chat room, but I got to undo the bell buckle because I was literally going to die. And this is great stuff. I went to Brooklyn to the filming and he was in a scene with Patty LaPone and Danny DeVito, D'Niro. And I walked in and he, D'Niro comes right. I had already been working with him on the side. Right. And I walk in and he he goes I need a line for this You know give me a line So I gave him like two lines and then he did the line and and patty lapone and Danny DeVito left and then someone started screaming at me

And you know walked right over and he said don't don't ever talk to her like that again. What they say to you Um, I don't need fucking people walking in and just giving a lot, you know, like whatever. But he said, I asked her, let her, you know, so it was that kind of situation at times. I had to really be strong and just, I mean, I'm telling you, I'd be running in and running out and telling him things, running out. Now let me ask you a question.

Now you're in this position. At the end, did these people come around or they still fucking against you? No, they came around. I became very close with the producers of the movie, and that's what matters. But, you know what I mean? They're the ones who financed it and produced it. But, you know, there were people who didn't want me to say what I clashed with. Originally, this guy, Art Linson, who's one of the producers, whose friends with Bob,

and then there were Jeff Ross worked on it and a couple of other people But then and Lewis Friedman and then while we were filming we improv to ton of it and wrote every day Lewis Friedman He's he's a writer. He's amazing. Oh, is he yeah. Yeah, he's really good. He does a lot of the roles Well, you know, I tell you on on Danes movie. I did The first one or the second one. I don't know. I did both of them, but the first one, I just, they flew me up, and they, I just, you know,

all right, we're gonna make the scene where you're gonna be the security guy or the airport, the TSA guy. And we sat in the room and we just improv the scene. And I said a bunch of funny shit. He did a bunch of funny shit. And the guy, the writer wrote it all down the next day, we just went at this airport at the Vancouver airport. And we did the scene and we did a bunch of different takes and a bunch of different

and we know it was awesome. Fun time, great time. The second one, he was trying to get me to be his best friend in the movie. And they were like, fuck you. And he was like, fuck you back. Because he was at a point where he could say, this is what I want. And it was like Kate Hudson, whatever was in the movie. How he Deutsch was directed, you know, fuck, the replacements and all that shit. You wanted you to be Jason Biggs in that movie?

Like the one that he lived with? I believe so, yeah. Wow, that's a big part. Well, look, and, but I understand it's like, they got Jason Biggs, they want that role. I'm fucking nobody. Right. Especially at that time, too,

before I did maybe a long order, you know what I mean? Or whatever it was, or a tourgasm, and, you know, and they had a long order, you know what I mean or what it was or a tourgasm and you know and they had that matters you know and even Kate Hutchins I think that I heard shit that she was like I'm not gonna you really believe that I'm gonna you know and I wasn't not in shape but you know it was a fucking thing and they got me apart I remember I had to go and read for the director and we improv some shit and it was weird. And I knew him from the replacements because he was like, you know you almost book,

the kicker, the English kicker? Yeah. It was an Italian guy at first. And he's like, you know you almost book that. You almost book the Irish kicker from the movie. Well, it was an Irish, it was an Italian kicker. Well, at the beginning. At the beginning, it was, yeah.

So he goes, it was between you and another guy. I'm at the last minute, we really liked you. At the last minute, we went with the English guy and switched the whole character. I was like, oh, thanks for telling me that. I didn't need the fucking no. But anyways, this thing, you know, they would like fuck you. No way.

And I remember we shot this whole scene. I was a strip club owner. And it was a host. They cut the whole thing. Yeah. They lit, okay, cool, whatever you want, dude. Yep, and they fought and people didn't like me. And it went against me, man. It went against me because, you know,

Lionsgate was the shit. I mean, the first movie they were, the head of, the head came to the sour with his kids. And so I mean, it was the nicest guy ever. And then all this shit happened. And my name, I guess I kind of got fought for in the wrong way. And it's like, you know, look,

you can't, my friend was trying to get me in something and they were like, fuck you. And both sides were kind of cool, right, or whatever. And I'm the one who was of the consequences because I was on set and it was just the fucking nightmare. It was a nightmare for me because I felt uncomfortable. It's hard to go through that. It's very, very weird.

It's very weird. I'm a fucking people, please. I wasn't though. I was pretty, I was pretty strong with it, which I'm really proud of. I was strong from getting my credits, too. I really feel proud of that. You had to be, but the nice thing is

that with De Niro having your back, that's, that's the your back that's he did I think you want me to call him and have him handle it I will you know the nearer the credits I'd gain but listen to think has me game was big but he's not fucking the nearer you know him saying and I I did what I could but you know the comedy is what it is like they've all in all the director has the final decision so I did everything I could to make it real. Did you see the movie? Yeah. Did you did a lot of your stuff make it? Oh, yeah. That's great.

Yeah. That's all the madness. Good movie. You like the movie? Yeah. Uh-huh. That's good. It's funny. There's a lot and there's so many stars in it. I hope it's funny. It's fucking called comedian. That'd be funny. This little bit. It's going to be different for comics to see it, you know, because you guys all, of course, when is it coming out? It's supposed to be coming out this week. Really? Like, limited and then, like, fully coming out in February. What studio did it?

It was Sony Classics is distributing it. That's great. Well, I'm excited to see it. And it was all shot around here. A lot of people we know was in it You know, there's one person that wasn't in it which I think is it fucking, you know pretty fucked up Thanks for sticking up for me Bob I'm not you. It was me your motherfucker It's Lenny Marcus

Nah, I'm doing the second show Lenny Sorry, I'll call you when I'm done. Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye everybody say good. Hi Lenny. It's Jess. Hey, buddy. Yep, they love you. That's great. I'm just glad that like when they let comics go and projects like that Like here's the thing and this is gonna sound like I'm totally kissing ass But I remember the first time I ever found out about you was that scene in that movie. I went, I went and saw that movie,

and I remember you because you stuck out being so funny in that scene, and it was just you were just being a comic. You were just being an East Coast comic. I didn't know anything about what it was, but it was like that, you stuck out so much in that movie that I looked you up after that. That was great, that's amazing. That isn't nice. He doesn't know what to do move that I like I looked you up after that right that was great

That's amazing that isn't nice. He doesn't know what to do with that like I do know I I have to do I Just taking it you stepped on it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucking now. You maybe feel like shit you cock sucker Your confidence was fucking way too much on that one too You just you got a blink when you look at me once in a while because I get scared you very cult like I want to follow you Yeah, you're very culty You got to blink when you look at me once in a while because I get scared. Very cult, like I want to follow you. You're very culty. Now, look, I think it's, I think it's, when you, you know, all that process,

there's so many egos, there's so much shick going into it, and so much, ecstake emotionally, and, you know, and career wise. It's busted. Yeah, that you have to, it's good that you fought for it. I fought very hard. That's good for you and you got what you want

and you gotta look at, you're gonna make enemies and there's nothing you can do about it. But if you're hearts in the right place and you're looking out for number one and you're not a piece of shit as a human, right? I kept saying to him, I'm gonna tell you what I think is best for you. I don't care what they think.

That's why he loved you. I know. Because you know how many people, you know how many people fucking kisses asshole? I know, I didn't. know how many people you know how many people fucking kisses asshole I know I didn't right doesn't I don't know how many people eat his pussy All right, the truth is that's how I got Well, I can't wait to see it congratulations And it couldn't happen I know I

You're stop touching each other. It's uh, it's you and I mean this and I know when people say this It couldn't have two a nice person. And you deserve that because you fucking, I love your stand up. Thank you. And that's huge coming from you because I'm obsessed with your stand. I love you.

You're Jesus. Well, he and I have always, I just adore you. Percy, I like you. I like your stuff too. No, of course I love you. You are a fucking, like, if you people don't know Jessica, like when Jessica's in the club, you know, it's always like, it's just a killing,

it's just a fucking, it's just a fucking whirlwind of fucking into massacre. And, you know, and it's one of those things where I think the other night, I think I had to follow you at recently at this stand, or one of these places, the stand it was. And I was like, yeah, no, I'll fuck it, but you know, you know that,

you're somebody that, if you're an experienced comic, you wanna follow you just to see, but Jessica comes in fucking like. I have to follow the seller a lot. Jessica's a fucking, just an absolute murderer. It's because I'm so, like, thank you. It's because I'm so angry and anxious, and it's all comes out on stage.

I'm serious. It's not, it's all coming from like anxiety. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. It's good. Yeah, it's great. Well, congratulations on that. I'm going to go to you first Justin.

First of all, thanks for coming on, buddy. Well, thanks for having me. You got it, man. It was, what do you get going on? What's happening? Well, actually, I'll be on the road. And most of December, I'm doing a date in a Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Carolina Carolina comedy club December 8 through the 10th and then I'll be back home in a Oklahoma City

I'm doing a show and a couple or a bunch of shows in Oklahoma City at my club. Well, come people find you We got a website you're Twitter. Yeah, Justin Smith comedy.com all my all my stuff is on there Well, you killed it with me man. No comedy works. You were fucking thank you Bro, I mean, we went up and fucking killed it Great, you know, because it sucks when the middle guy just blows and you you went up and you fucking annihilated it and I'm glad you came on so when you're in New York, so we'll see you around you come back on again Yeah, I love to I love to you. You got it man. I love that have this thing tied around my stand the whole time That's an honor to have that last show fucking Lenny got insulted by that

to have the bomb in there's a fucking honor. What do you got verse? uh... well uh... December i'm gonna be uh... where am i gonna be? I'm gonna be in New York man New York all over the city uh... I will be I also have uh... 2017 dates coming up in uh... Rhode Island Atlanta all that stuff you could see on the website follow me up Paul Verzi on Twitter and check out the Verzi effect which Bobby was just on the dual thing so I need your help with that actually I I'll be uploading that fucking thing but yeah

I'm not even good and I just fucking things been sitting on the shelf for three days people are asking I don't know what the fuck I don't know drop box I hit the thing I curse and then I said I'm sitting on the shelf for three days. People are asking, I don't know what the fuck. I don't know, drop box. I hit the thing, I curse, and then I said, I'm gonna help you. But yeah, you can check out all my dates and all that stuff in the podcast. Yes, what do you got? Paul Versey.com. You just go to love.

Paul Versey.com, really? JessicaCurston.com, and it's K-I-R-S-O-N, and I have a Facebook page, comedian JessicaCurston. I upload videos like every day. And the movie, and I'm on on stern a lot doing prank calls. I love you prank calls. Thank you. You do great on that.

I love you. I love doing the the wrap of shows a lot of fun man. I had fun doing that. I do. I love Gary. It's just a fight. He's a nice guy. Great guy.

Yeah. He loves gadgets too. I remember I mentioned the like these headphones that I got. You know you throw those out the next time I saw him he's like I got those and my guy you're a fucking nerd. You love the you love the gadgets Well, all right cool check that out. Thanks coming on you guys deep. What do you got baby? You can follow me at our two deep and in a couple days. I'll be uploading Paul's podcast on the sound That should be fun and First I got a gig if you're listening live December 1st in Orange, New Jersey,

at the Heritage Lounge 9 o'clock, that should be a fun time. And check out my podcasts, link in my Twitter bio. And that's it for me. Follow this show on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, SoundCloud, all that good stuff. Support us. Five Star Reviews on iTunes. Yeah.

That's it for the show. And make sure you get the app, IOS or Android. Just go down and download the, what's it called again? Robert Kelly's, you know what dude app? And you download it right to your phone. You get all the shows. Ten shows are always free. If you want to support us, which you should,

if you're listening to this show more than two episodes, or three episodes, 199 a month, you can just subscribe right from the app. And you support the show show and you help all this Keep going because it depo myself and Lauren Fucking bus are asked to make this happen every week and So you can support us right there. What do you got Lauren? You could just follow me at at Lauren Cubera on Twitter and Facebook if you are a fan of the show and you want to sit in and watch

email me at ykwd producer at rikas.com and I a fan of the show and you want to sit in and watch, email me at ykwdproducer at rycast.com and I'll get back to you. And if you want to send in some art work for shelves here in the studio, just mail it to or gifts. All this stuff behind is you want to you want something behind us. This is all like the dick gavill. One of my favorite pieces. Just set it to attention, Robert Kelly at 117 McDougall Street, New York, New York, 1-0-0-1-2. That's right. And you can follow me all my dates.

We got this week, McGubbies, if you listen and live. And then we got Uncle Vinnie's. I'm doing one date, the true story tour continues. And then I got a, I got Mohican sonican son I got you got a weekend in North Carolina North Carolina if New Year's I'm in North Carolina Charlie what is it? Good nights. Good night Charlie what is it Charlie good night. Good night. Good night. So whatever the fuck it is I I heard a lot of good stuff about the room. Great club. So I can't wait to play it. And go to robacadolive.com you can check out all my dates

are up there. Robert Kelly on Twitter, you not all that jazz, but follow these guys, go to their shows and support there and then let them know you heard them on the YKWD podcast. That's why that means the world to us is, you know, you listen to these shows and go and see us do tour comedy live is the best.

You guys have a great week, we'll see you next time. You know what, dude? Podcast. You've been listening to the YKWD Podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Check out riotast.com For all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free.

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