Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Extra Box on the Side

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Robert is joined by Kurt Metzger, Joe List, Aaron Berg, Chris Scopo and Deepu Gill. RiotCast.com   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night. Con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Yoros escuchar a Robert Kelly? ¿Y qué, dude? En la RiantCast Network.

RiotCast.com. ¡Welcome! ¡To the funniest podcast on the planet Earth! ¡This is gonna be a costa fire! ¡This podcast, no rules. What are the mic assholes? I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a mic?

No! What the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and he happens. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's 10 no topics, no directions. I love doing it.

Way both sides of the coin. That love doing it Side to the coin The day my podcast is popular I might affect somebody's life. You never know Oh, you hear that fucking hi hat. What's up guys? Farts and Dicks. Hey dude, settle down. Sorry. We're back with another YKWD with your chubby, chubby host. Robert Kelly, who was fucked, they went on a binge last night. What'd you have?

Wee! Well, I've been, I haven't had any tummy issues. No! Yeah! You're tum tum! I've been, I've been having tummy issues. No. Yeah. Your tum tum? Insert joke here. Insert same joke over and over on Twitter here. It's a good hour name.

Tummy issues. Tummy issues. That tummy issues. Bob Kelly, tummy issues. Tummy issues. Welcome back to Tummy issues. Today I have on my favorite guest, Ralphie Mann. that tummy issues. Bob Kelly, tummy issues. tummy issues. Welcome back to tummy issues. Today I have on my favorite guest, Ralphie May.

And Tammy Pasquitelli. I, yeah, first of all, let me just say this, I'm wearing it right now. The comedy seller, beautiful new t-shirt they have. Available right at the village underground. Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Friday Saturday they have a little wind door that opens up now in the fucking wall and there's a little man that lives in there and you can buy a fucking t-shirt and they have women's sizes this is of

course double X glad to hear Gary Veter is finally working at the seller and of course you got the robbercat live shirt right there from the village on the ground and you got the list of manias And his list of manias t-shirts still out there everybody would've sold four so far Well, have you got any money from that? No, you haven't given me any money for you guys number I don't he doesn't talk to me. I have to get this. Yeah, I was wondering. I thought you just took all my money Anyways, yeah, I've had tummy issues brother. I've had Some big ass Tom. I don't know what it is

But my stomach it I went to the dog. It's the ulcers. It's the worst thing in the fucking world, dude I what I had to do this weekend. Come on. Oh my god. Let's go around the room first. What you have to get married? We got over here. Of course we got Chris Copo producer the show. Puddu You saw Louis J. Gomez live? Is that what you're doing? That's time to lay, really. I know, I started thinking the right thing. I started to think of a name that wouldn't hurt me politically. Like a bunch came up and our social lay. Yeah.

Well, he's Latino. We got D-Poo on the video camera, the master of the computers and the webcams in the video camera, the master of the computers, and the webcams and the video. And the YouTube. Hey everybody. And the computer whizz, I called him in the post, and then someone thought I was too dumb to write it.

Wizard? The computer, no, no, the post I put in Sundays. Yeah. Someone wrote, and it's like, that can't be Scopo or Bobby. They're too dumb. It must have been DPU. Why don't I be lumped in with, I mean, there's no way I'm as dumb as fun. I mean, it's my show,

so I have to have a little more smart than Scopo. Yeah. But it's just time. No, I can write. I want a little bit. Well, let's not. I have to correct. I was in English honors in high school.

Oh, wow. Well, I've corrected some of your stuff. Yeah. I've had to cut out a couple things. A couple. You're a little repetitive. You like had to cut out a couple things. A couple. A little repetitive. When you like a fucking word, yeah. You use it two and over again.

Anyways, we got a joe list. Hi. The truth is facts. It's funny. It's funny. Film this special. You filmed your special. Yeah.

In Boston. Yes. Home town. Comedy Central. Half hour. A year ago, you were kind of fucking crying about where you're at. You've been saying a year ago, three years ago. Two years ago, a year ago, you had just done Letterman. Three years ago, and every, every year since that you've been crying about where you're at.

I feel like 15 years ago, you're gonna be like, yeah, a year ago you were fucking gay, and I guess I'm saying gay, so. I keep saying it's such a funny word to me. Gay? Yes, it's a funny word. I wrote the fuck is funny about fucking cocking. That was Kurt saying that, I'm getting a lot of hate. I don't find that funny. That's exciting.

Yeah, I'm rock hard right now, I'm not laughing. We got you. Anyway, the show is special. Unbelievable. I'm very happy for you. Yeah, thanks for being there it's got what you didn't ask me to be there you said hey wanna come to Boston

uh... i would have maybe a maybe a fucking tried to find a really good excuse to why i wasn't a good uh... what you could you know you didn't ask me to want me to Boston why would you want to if i showed up to be like why you here but what do you make me nervous you don't want me here you make me nervous right now aron burr hi i i that you're right there shoot up to you be like why you here? Why do you make me nervous? You don't want me here. You make me nervous right now.

Aaron Berg. Yeah, that's you right there. Aaron Berg is on, which I don't like, because it's what I could be if I just had a little willpower. A little? I think a lot. Aaron Berg looks like an action figure. A one that's been left in the sun too long,

but an action figure altogether. He really does. I mean, you're really, you're in shape. You're looking good. Thanks Thanks Bob. Yeah, man I mean you trim down a little to you're a little bulky once yeah, but now you cut down that now you you're in a cutting Good, dude. You look good Yeah, you look like you should have a reality show about dogs that you rescue. I would take anything right now really I'm so desperate. You think it looks like Justin silver

No, no Justin doesn't rescue dogs just in the teaches dogs. Talks to dogs. Talks to people. Yeah, not the dogs. Teachers owners. Yes. Teachers owners. We got of course Kurt, Matt Skurr.

Hi. Who is, I don't, you know, you shouldn't be. And I, I don't know why. I just fucking love you. I don't know why. You're so fucking funny. You're so talented. You're Sharon Berg.

You should be. But you shouldn't be. He's statistically, factually, I mean the amount of weed he does, and just his personality. He doesn't add up. His looks, he doesn't add up. Two hands on for comedy.

I hear what you're saying. Dude, your Facebook is just so fucking great. Well, I'm gonna fight, I'm gonna text fight, before we start I'm gonna text fight with my girlfriend. Why? Well, I don't know, do you guys like, does anybody know like medical shit? Like, it's like every-

I know about herpes and HPV. Alright, so like every three to four weeks she gets like really fucking bitchy and combative and like the only thing we know for sure is it's not her period. That's all we know right now. But maybe you her period. It's all we know right now, right But maybe you guys know where she's counting at me right now. I'm fucking furious I don't why why are you furious? Oh, dude. I she laid some but she likes to start a fight

Yeah, and I mean full on start a fight. It's like your joke like I'm the bad guy who finished the fight You know what I mean? Yeah, so anyway I called her moron in the fight Well, that doesn't help. That never helps an argument with a woman when you say you fucking moron. Well, I didn't just say that. I also said, you can't just say moron. I also said, can't moron. No, I said, you have your period.

I go, oh, I should have known you have your period so your feelings are invalid in those words. Wow. I go, of course, you're feeling invalid. Yeah, fucking period. When you start talking to your girl, like she's some Twitter person, that's not a good thing. She hit me with a doozy, dude. What was it?

She's this complex that she's being executed. An nostrils a huge. No, how can I argue with that? That's a fair fucking thing. That's something I can get my head around. You fucking look stupid. Okay, we're having a great time. We're out and we get in the cash.

She starts screaming at me that I, because I'm sitting, there's like, see, you're sitting and you're sitting on either side. Yeah, they don't. I wasn't looking at her enough during the conversation. So I'm ignoring her. She's the whole thing about being ignored. Well, are you?

No, she just speak up. It's an insecurity she had, which is fine, but then she starts screaming at me, like I really did a thing. And it comes out of nowhere, like we're having a great time. Right. And the reason it comes out of nowhere. In a cab?

In a fucking cab. You have a great time in a cab? No, we have a great time before. She was waiting, one thing I give her credit for, she doesn't do that shit like so much in public. She'll at least wait for like a cab where, she doesn't care about like a, you know, an immigrant driver or what he thinks he thinks right in a public place.

I'm good. This isn't race wars. All right. Tettle down. But you know, I mean like they're not people. Can I say that? Guys, you get what I'm saying. Joe does.

What's this weird? Because I feel like you have the perfect relationship after I saw it on television two weeks ago. And I saw it. It was pretty good. It was a Schumer and they talked about having an open relationship. No, it on television two weeks ago. And I saw it. It was a pretty good shumer. And they talked about having an open relationship. No, it's like it seems like it works.

Even if you relationship is good, you're not going to get out of some dumb fight. Look at that. Can I say something? Look, I love my wife. I've been with her for almost 20 years now. We had a mother fucker Friday night. I mean, a mother fucker. Yes, that's it.

I was having a bad night. I was having a bad night. I mean a motherfucker. I was having a bad night. So I come in the seller, lady fucking middle-aged fucking middle-of-the-country white woman on vacation with her husband and family. Shit faced. Every fucking joke, not heckling, you know, but fucking up my and they're not kicking her out because I'm last. I'm bullshit that I'm fucking last always I have to close the you know the only one you can do it fucking whatever Oh, did I fucking hate that I know I thought it's a compliment. No, it's not I'm a man. I am a fucking here. I'm a mop. I'm a mop That's exactly what happens you're because I told Raffat because he had me on a showcase in my life put me on fucking last

So that his weaker clients can look good Can look good, but you can go shovel their shit after they're done drowning the life out of the crowd Exactly right. You're the strong one. So anyways, we fucking I know it's gonna you are gonna calm you down Because usually you a podcast with charade I don't want you to happen too much on this one. I got two other fucking talented comics on there. And Chris Gopal. Thank you for that. Thank you.

But no, so anyways, I'm kind of bitching. I mean, and you call your you check up to fucking ground you, to listen, take your side, but you know, devil's advocate, and you know, she's like, you know, doing whatever. And then I said, you know, all right, cool. I kind of calm down. She kind of fucking brought me down. And then I go, can you tape the the the MMA? It's on what channel? I said 512. So she's looking, it's not there. I said, it's 512. She goes, you said 212. Now, the correct answer is I thought you said 212.

You have to take the fucking hit because you're the one who fucked up. Because, okay, now I said 512. No, you said two. Now this argument, unless I have fucking, unless we're recording the conversation where I could say, and 512, see, oh, I'm sorry.

You know what I'm saying? She has to take that, but she didn't. Oh, wait, oh, I'm sorry. Yes, and you she has taken it But she didn't wait Bobby. Yeah, I tell you the best part she did record the conversation just the part of me yelling Not the initial part. I love this if you record it. We're actually going back Doing arguments right here. This is the best thing ever. This is the new shit. She thought to record it Not her part. Yeah, just my part. Yeah, of so I'm fucking, I'm like, I blow it off. I somehow let that go, because I wanted to go, you motherfucker, I said 5, 12, fuck you. So I let it go, and then I go, she goes,

it's not there, I go, just go, pop, pop, pop. She goes, all right, I got it. I'll talk to you later. What are you fucking, Matt Damon? And Goodwill hunting? I went, you know who the fuck are you? You're fucking I'm already fucking pissed now you're talking to me like we're fucking on a corner and Chalestown Massachusetts. I go fuck you. She goes you're bossing me around. I go you ask me right what fucking

I'm gonna come down you ask me what channel I told you you said I. Right. What fucking, I gotta calm down. You asked me what channel. I told you, you said I was wrong. And then I said just up, up, up. We had a fucking blowout. Yeah. A fucking blow. Yeah, over that, right? I was on the street going, I actually called her a motherfucker.

I know. That's bad. You know, I went too far. I went fucking too far. I'll admit that. That seems light. No, I look, man, I'm not calling the mother a motherfucker. You married me. No. A motherfucker. Yeah, that's just stupid me. It's just her tone. All right

I got it well You know why you know what it is because you said the first thing is you were calling like all right Let's see that's what happens. I go let's not make this a fight. I go okay first thing I say so all right You're mad. I'm not gonna try to explain to you now. So me being calm First thing I say is, all right, you're mad. I'm not gonna try to explain it to you now. So me being calm, she's got a kick, because she can't win the fight unless I get up step out. So that's what adds to the anger is,

I first start out going, we don't need to, okay, I'm wrong. There's those things accepting an up, I've never not accepted an apology. Never happened. This is not her credit, this is not a quote from her, but my ex ex, Delphinaphina this but this sums up every fight with a female I ever had I tell her I'm sorry she goes if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it yeah that's that's that's the perfect here in mentality I just have that

joke in my act my therapist told me that you should just say you hurt my feelings. And believe it or not, it's fucking, they, you understand what it's, it's they use words to, you know, trigger you, to build you, to push you over the fucking edge. You call them the name. And as soon as you go over the edge, they calm down. Right, yeah. She calms down. And now you're flipping out calm down.

And when you're talking about calm down, when you put me this way, now I'm flipping out more. Yeah. If you say, in way, now I'm flipping up more. If you say, in reality, you hurt my feelings, which is exactly what they did. If you get pissed off at somebody, she hurt you in some way. So if you say, hey, that hurts my feelings,

they don't know what to fucking do with that. They don't know what to fuck. Listen to me. She won't know what to fuck. She will literally be like all right you fucking queer She's pretty clever dude, you know, she's a clever one. Please try it Yeah, just this way you do this is me doing she pushes you over such you know what you hurt my feelings when you talk to me like that She will fucking stop like a deer on the saw mill. I'm gonna try it. I will try it. I will come back

Yeah, I want to give you a review of that. Yeah, it's this arm. That's gonna, that disarms them right away. It's the, it's the, it's the, well, I've never said those exact words, so I got to try that. You hurt my feelings. You know what? That's how you go to do.

You gotta go, honey, I want to say something. You hurt my feelings. Yeah. When you talk to me like that. Yeah. And in that tone, that works. In that tone. You can't yell it.

No, no, you can't. You hurt my feelings. You can't. No, I don't, I don't, I go, well, look, you can't yell it. No, no, you are my feelings. You can't No, I don't I don't I go well. I don't know what I did But I listen I'm sorry just you know calm down You raise listen, but I just said that if you raise both of those eyebrows at the same time. Yeah, that's yelling Like I think they're connected like Ernie. Yeah, yes, I think I'll just you know what bugs me so much It's like I'm supposed to because I will listen all in dulled I think it will work. I just, you know what bugs me so much? It's like I'm supposed to, because I will.

Listen, I'll indulge her in security. I got no problem, I'll indulge it. But it's like none of my, I'm supposed to just absorb whatever bullshit she feels like dishin' out. I'm supposed to absorb it, right? Right? No, you're not, dude. Here's the deal.

I sat down with my wife on Sunday and we had a real, honest conversation. Yeah. And the reality of it is, and I don't know where you're at. Look, I have a child with a woman. I don't have a kid. My wife isn't letting me get fucking extra box on the side, letting somebody join in.

I don't know what that world is. Well, you're the kid, I can't do that. But it's not as good for a kid. Okay, I'm not gonna let my kid watch, but if I did that, I would probably do it in the room. We please call this episode extra box on the side, please. Something like an order at a fast food joint. Well, you know, I don't know what that is,

but I said to my wife, I was, we sat down, we had a, I go, we need to fucking talk because we need to recalibrate this fucking relationship because somewhere you started, you know what they do a lot, my wife does a lot, she'll, I let you do whatever you want. But she gets mad at certain things, holds on to it, resentment, like bullets in a gun.

For how long? And as long as she, until she needs it, until we get into a thing where she's fucking, I got her and she'll fire at me. Oh, you did this and you did, it's like, what the fuck is it? You're mad about something I did two months ago And we had this conversation and she said when you talk to me the way you talk to me

I get fucking scared and I don't like to be scared and I'm sick of it. That's making me mad right now. Why? Dude I can fucking get heated. I mean if you were scared you'd probably watch your fucking mouth. Wouldn't you? That's what I do when I'm scared. I watch my app. Yeah, but do listen man, you can't. That's all I handle being scared I go. I probably should stop provoking this person because I'm scared of them.

Yeah, but that probably shouldn't keep poking them and then go, I'm scared. Yeah, but when I was out it would be my fault. Yeah, but that would be me bringing it on myself. All right, all right, stop fucking talking over me listen you're scaring me listen No, dude, you can't that's stupid is what you're saying is dumb Well, cuz I'm not it's we're not the bloods and the crypts It's my wife, you know if I get scared if she gets scared of me

She should show trap. I just I just assume people have lost an accent or in gangs. So that's my You can't you can't fucking scare your chick into obeying you. That's ridiculous. I was raised in Yemen. So no, it's not Let me do you I don't think there's a fun he is what you are one of the funniest fucking Cuz I gotta talk to you something but just in my girls credit right that shit cuz I've had every other girl I ever dated did that where they held on to something for years okay my girl don't do that I have to give that to her right what happens is it's some irrational thing that ruins the night and then the fight is I do we seriously have to have the night down the drain because Because so she'll just soak, but I give it to her, man, she does get over it.

It doesn't come up months later, it really doesn't. So I don't have that issue, which I'm pretty grateful for. It's just this like, there's no way for me to calm. It's almost like, but I'm gonna try what you said, dude, because I have never said those words. I'm telling you, I will try it. I'm trying a lot of calm out of this, and she wouldn't let me.

She just wouldn't let me. The only way out of it for her is to literally turn into some alpha male and go, you're a pussy. You know what I mean? And she's not gonna do that. She's gonna actually gonna go, oh shit, because if I say my feelings,

if you say you hurt my feelings, I mean, in reality, anger is hurt feelings. If you get mad at anything you get angry at, it's a fact. Yeah, right. It's just you were hurt. And your response, or your defense, or your sword to protect yourself,

is rage, anger, vicious words, to hurt that person back, to back them up. You understand? So anytime you get mad, it's because somebody hurt you, it will scare you. Well, because you're on steroids. Huh? Well, you know, somebody hurt you or scared you. What cause you're on steroids? Huh?

Well, you know, I'll tell you my thing. It's, it's, it's just the unfortunate thing. Cause why we really get along very well. Yeah. You guys are great. So these fights, I wish I was, I wish I was in shape. Cause maybe I can do what you guys are going all right. Maybe one big slob is fine. Maybe one of you.

Hey, Bob, come on over palsy. Well, you do me the honor. Hey, palsy, palsy. Well, you do me the honor of palsy. We put this beard on in these eyebrows. You know what? The thing is, she has one thing. She might go find more rational than any other female I've ever been with, honestly.

Yeah. But her one thing is, she has this complex that she's gonna be excluded, okay? So that informs every single thing. So that's her thing. So my thing is I have this and this is my own insane complex, which is The way I got abused growing up was where I would be in trouble for something unfair like I didn't do what I was in trouble for Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but now I'm punished, right? So I got a big rage in me from that leftover, which is what she has from her exclusion thing.

So they perfectly feed into each other where she starts the thing that's really unfair at me. And now there's a punishment of we have to have a shitty time because of nothing. So then now it's not just what she did. Now I'm fucking 12 years old again. But can I say something to you that you're real, how old are you?

38. How old is she? 29. Oh, that's a difference. Do you understand what the difference is? Right, my cheek is... I'm loving it. It's annoying, you idiot.

No. Don't. Take a joke, dumb dumb. I'm like, shit. But my cheek is my age. And, you know, she also, your chick knows this business. She's been in this business. She knows my wife, fuck, she doesn't have a head shot,

she doesn't wanna be at a club, she stays the fuck home. Even when she didn't have the kid, she didn't give a fuck about going out. No, it helps. The fact she knows the business is a big improvement for me because of last year. So I don't have those fights about the lifestyle. She knows that's it. But that's why she probably feels excluded sometimes about things.

Instead of, you know, she knows what the fuck happens. My wife doesn't fucking know. I'm going to the seller. She doesn't know that we hang out or get the food, smoke a cigar in front for three hours. Well, listen, you bring your chick a lot of places. Right, and that's why it upsets me to hear this exclusion because I know nobody is a bigger fan of her than me. Like I talk her up. This is only time I've ever brought up even a fight on the thing. I talk her up relentlessly. Like she helps me

with my lot of my shit. I was like, that was for the fan in Belgium who doesn't listen to the podcast anymore because of the burping. Well, you told him you had tummy troubles, so what's the problem? That's called tummy troubles. But you bring your girl, you're one of those guys who your girl is your friend too. She is my friend. My chick. My chick has been my chick.

This is my job. That's our life. That's a great thing. My chick has been my chick. This is my job. That's our life. It's two separate things. We don't fucking connect on social media. We don't, it's very old school. You know what I mean? But you, you have one of those relationships where your chick is kind of with you a lot.

And she worked at the fucking cellar for God's sake. Well, look, the benefit of leading a young girl away for her parents at the mall is you can shape her to what you are not. But see what happens is I already think, as you can shape her to what you are not. But see what happens is I already think the thing I just described to you, like I end up I'm like, well, I'm totally wrong. For as well, my childhood is not your fucking fault.

Okay, so when we make up, I go, first I apologize, I got to listen, I'm really sorry. This is what it was that it was, I'm not right at all, okay? And she apologized, she goes, I'm sorry too. And I go, listen, I tell you that thing I told you of like, that takes me back to, she goes, oh well yeah, that's the equivalent. Me, me, me, sulking is the same as you yelling. So right when I try to make the piece of like,

look, this is the thing that hits me, I understand you have a thing that hits you, that I don't get, I talk, because I have one. So he should be on the same page. Right at that moment. Ready? You be here and you do that thing You know, it's just when you do that it brings me back to my time and my childhood that messes me up here

Let me read the transcript of it I can't I've never been a bit I can't improv this kind of He's a writer. He needs a re-energize. You can't argue over text messages, too Not that's what you have the proof that way you can go back. That makes it worse though. I really talk a little bit.

It's the most fun. Are you ready? Oh, okay. I'm you. I'm you. I'm you. You're good. So yeah, but that's what fucks me up when you do that.

Okay, well, whatever. The reason is it hurts for a long time, but just being mad quietly mad, being mad isn't the same as that no matter how you spin it. You know, that hurts my feelings when you say that when you say you spin it. I'm trying to talk to you because I love you, but you keep trying to hurt my feelings. Why? Okay, fine.

You attacking my character. Wait, what? I feel like your improvisation would be a lot better than you're reading it. Yeah, can you put that down? I know you love, I love you love you. You sick of this stupid argument, Kurt. That hurts my feelings too. This is hard.'s doing great. Okay, that hurts my feelings Okay, you hurt my feelings and I recorded you hurting my feelings at just you not me

But you understand how you will disarm everything I'm gonna try it I'm gonna listen to the show because then chill. Yeah, hey, hey Kurt Why did you go on a podcast that has thousands of listeners in air your dirty laundry for everybody to hear? We were on Schumer to say we banged other people. Come on, whatever. My mother, my living mother had to see that. Me and my, let me just say this though,

I've been in a million fights with my chick and you just get through them. But there is a thing you have to, the only way you really get through a fight with a woman is if you go back to what the fuck you did wrong. That's it. You're not going to change them by fucking yelling screaming fuck you. You can win psychologically. You can break them psychologically. But is that the girl you want? Some fucking broken pimped out. I'll say it.

You know what I mean? Weird fucking chick. Sounds nice. I mean, Dante told me that's how you do it. Yeah, but who slinches when you fucking put, you know, go to it your head. I don't know. I think when you're trying to win the argument, it's to better the relationship. Yes.

It's not to get the upper hand. No, yes, exactly. Because we're happier when we're in good relationships instead of fucking art. It takes everything out of me when I have to argue with a woman. I feel so weak like it takes every ounce of energy. I have one, only one. Remember my crazy ex-loosie? The one that was a lunatic, the redhead, the Italian one.

Okay. I have only one in argument with a woman and I technically didn't win. But this is the close I've come to winning an argument. Okay. And you know how I know I won? I don't know how I did it, dude. I just somehow remembered something that just pinned her, it like pinned her like a Jiu-Jitsu move. She had no, that wiggle they do. She had no wiggle room out of it. Okay, you know what she did? She just dove down, unbuckle my pants and started sucking my deck. Really? That's how I knew I won. So I didn't win. Like that was her only escape. She started sucking my deck. I'm like, hey, all right. I guess you win the

really like, but that's it was amazing. I was like, wow, I was right at the precipice of winning. Yeah. I'm not gonna say no to that blowjob. I'm a little fuck with say no to a blowjob. She had the trump. In case you're wondering what happens if you win an argument, that's what happens. Robert, would you like if I blew you right now? Yeah, I fucking let you blow me, dude. I'd fucking take a blowjob from you. I'm saying that as a hint. I'm saying. want to get a guess button that TV show yours. That's a hint for when we argue I'm gonna shake it down. I'm not gonna near your monster cock. Hey, what TV show benders. No, I'm do I'm actually filming an episode of that tomorrow Oh cool. I did punch ups on it. Yeah me too. I did a locksmith. Yeah heart. Yeah. It's a good show man. Yeah dude.

You know really fun. I didn't get it. I'm not missing for it. I didn't get it. I broke my heart. Bobby, it's pretty fucking good like because initially I got it. I told Tom this. I was like, you know, my first guy, I thought it was like a league knockoff, which is fine. You know, whatever. Yeah. And then I was reading. I'm like, this is kind of good. And then when I saw them filming it and like, because Christie's to Fano to follow dude is killer as that guy. He is that guy. Yeah, but I was like imagining older dudes because how old Tom I guess is in them. They casted Tom Celetti and Jim Cervicco just to a little backstreet.

We were talking about some of them people don't know. It's a new show on IFC coming out called Benders. It's about these four dudes and his one one dude's wife and it's a hockey it's not about hockey it really like pure 40 in-term your whole exactly it's like it's like beer league but a TV show they're like a long island kind of dot the dots and these guys wrote it Tom and who are actually producers of rescue me and yeah sex drugs and rock and roll and all you know Marin and and all that stuff.

So this is their first show. And they wrote it, and they got 10 out of the gate with IFC. And they went, and they fucking smartly casted all this young, fucking great town, Andrew Schultz, Chris D. Chris D. And the other, I don't know the other two guys. I got a guy from the black list that was the part that I went out for, and everyone was like, you gotta read, but it was like a Jersey Shore guy,

like over the hill, balding, and I was like, I thought it was a lock, but apparently I got a lock. Well, here's the thing, man, is that thing's in Brooklyn, it films in Brooklyn, and it's a great fucking show. Yeah, I'm really like, dude, that's very fun. That's very fun. Yeah. Cause they paid me, I don't get a credit for the plungers, but they paid me pretty decent. And as I kept reading this,

it's pretty good. Like, it's going to be a good show. And I watch them. I'm like, Oh, wow, it's really like it's going to be good. Yeah, it's a fucking funny, funny, funny show. Those guys are real funny. And it's their first time, you know, they've always been the producers. Now they're the showrunners creators. They produce Blow with Johnny Depp. They did. Yeah, that's the one. Anyways, look, man, I, with your chick, that here's the thing it all works out.

But you got to come in reality, how fucking silly it sounds. If you really want to be with the chick, you got to fucking come from your heart. There's no way around it, because you can't even, my girl's old school, my girl's not in show, she loves me and a mom, she loves to cook for me,

and she lets me do whatever the fuck I want, but you can't muscle a chick. No, no, no, listen, because if you do, I know that, you can have some, I believe you, you can have some fucked up chick who's afraid of you. No, no, no, listen, and we're not that. She's gonna secretly fucking hate you

I know that you have a fight. Listen. I I what you're saying is what I think I come from this is how the fight gets bad I do come from my heart and I'm like hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't know what I did right I feel genuinely bad. I did that right that's not good enough You understand it's time to stab me more so what happens is we get a fight, then there's the apology fight. Yep. And then there's nothing for a long time. But I always do that, dude. I don't think I am right. I, first of all, even if I do think I'm right, I'll be like, hey, look, I'm wrong. I'm not inclined to do that. It's when I'm laying myself out like, no, no, I'm wrong. Yeah. And then I got to get a fucking stab. That's what keeps me going, but look, I'm going

to say what you said to say, I'm gonna just give it a shot because maybe you're told you're gonna blow it. Here's what happened to me today, which I was fucking thoroughly embarrassed. I, you know, I don't, I don't masturbate when the kids around. I don't masturb, I don't jerk off.

You got a great memories, I won't. No, because, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't jerk off in the house when the kid's there because my biggest fear is that he's gonna fall hit his head. I'm gonna be jerking off. She's gonna run in with a bloody kid going, we have to go, what are you doing? I'm just gonna catch the over it, she is sitting on the glass in the shower. Just give me two seconds and get me it's sure. I only jerk off in the shower because I'm too fucking old.

I don't have time for cleanup. I don't have the time to get under and in and all my fucking crevices. I just don't have time. I'm just direct your penis into a paper towel. Well hold on, Bobby. Because that ruins the mood. I like to come when I come.

I come, I don't want to fucking at the last minute cap it off like a fuck. That's fucking fine. But the shower isn't there so I'd degree it clean up because it's not like it just goes down the drain. Not if you build your own shower and you know what tiles you found come I The fuck you I tell that Giz just goes do they advertise that or how did you find out because I built you I build two

Shower I Built to I build two showers the first one was with Japanese Slate which jizz Slaves Japanese a straight No, that'll hold you is to know it sticks to it like fucking like a egg You know the fucking spider-man web it just fucking Tampura you made it literally as soon as you come it sticks the hot water fucking hits it it becomes egg Are you consciously plan to get a non-com stick apps a fucking

non-com stick now that's brilliant I Tested them all out at home depot I've been in a bunch of showers. I Know I have been in a bunch of showers Please can I get some help? I see me sticking all these tiles. I seem to be sticking to all these tiles here. I have kind of a unique need now. So the floor is a different tile than the wall. So when I jizz and the hole, you got the hole.

The drain is key. Because you live with the woman. Because women, their hair falls out. And what would happen, I jizz and then it would go with the hair and it would become a twat spider. So I'm fucking comfortable. women, their hair falls out. What would happen, I jizz, and then it would go with the hair and it would become a twat spider, some fucking count rancher love. Men's hair never falls out. Right, well mine doesn't.

Mine doesn't. And that drain clog is that's a woman's hair, because I know exactly how it's talking. It's disgusting, you jizz in it, then you get, so now I get the big drain with the big holes, you understand? And the tile, it fucking, it goes right, right that no cleanup, it's gone.

How, wow, what material is that? It's, well, it's, you know, I'll let you know. What's Space Age? I'm gonna fucking develop by NASA for astronaut's material. It's actually, it's a Giz tile. If you go to Home Depot and... I could be more impressed. I gotta tell you that's the thing.

I'm in the this morning and I fucked up. I just, look at man. I just, I, I just haven't jerked off in a fucked up. I just look at man. I just I I just haven't jerked off in a long time. We haven't had sex. She's on a period now. I'm like fucking horny shit. So I decided to crank one out. She's not with the kid trying to get him to sleep. So when she does that, I know I got a good fucking 25 minutes. I'm in there sitting down, hunched over, fucking cranking it up, my mediocre pecker, and I'm just about to come and she quietly enters the bathroom. Oh!

Well, I didn't hear until like two steps in, and then she pretended not to see, which made it worse. That's true. And then I pretended that she didn't see so then I just kind of I started talking Yeah, I just move what's up and I'm holding my I started like I went from jerking off to like just cleaning the top of my dick off You know, that's my process You want to hear some worse take out your white the same scenario not your wife You want to hear something worse? Take out your wife, the same scenario, not your wife. Yeah. Your roommate outside Steve from the cellars, the one that walks in instead of you.

I'd fucking, that would make me happy. Yeah. Because my wife catching me jerk off with the kid in the house makes me, I was just like, and then it was like, all right, where you going? She's like, I'm going to go, I got to go drive him around the car because he's not taking an app. But she was ready to leave. But I was like, all right, so she was like, what?

I'm like, I'm gonna do my podcast. And I just started fucking rambling. Yeah. Like being wordy. I was like, yeah, I get to the pot. She's like, okay. And she's like, okay. Both pretending this didn't happen.

Yeah, like she turned into my mom, catch me, that was the energy. Wow, now I'm gonna come. Yeah. The fucking awful, just awful. But with the kid in the house now I'm gonna come. Yeah. Fuck it awful. Just awful. Um, but we- Would the kid in the house you don't wanna do? I don't jerk off with the kid in the house

because of that because I might have a fear that the fucking kid's gonna fall and I'm gonna be sleeping. And I'm gonna be sleeping off and I'm gonna be running with fucking jizz. And blue balls. And fucking. What is in the kid just big jizz?

I mean, come on guys. Am I right with that? Not anymore. Can I say this, I stopped jerking off. Totally? Yeah, I have sex like twice a week now. I don't masturbate at all. I'm just, hang on, with what's his name?

He's a nice guy. He's a booker at the right-winger in the room. Yeah, I don't know if it's all good. Girlfriend actually surprising. I know it goes against my look. But do you know you do? I look so gay now Bobby Chris said the older I get the gay or the more comfortable I am with it because here's the deal you're wearing ripped jeans

Titshirt yeah, and shredded my eyes are green beautiful You tan Those green-eyed gays pain, those green-eyed gays. Yeah. Oh, the sham rocks. But yeah, I feel very comfortable in my straightness, but I'm also embracing my gay moments that I have. Moments?

Yeah, like when I go to the gym, I'll just tell you. Yeah, lifestyle, yeah. What time do you go to the gym? Like 3.30 in the morning? Well, how old are you? The sun is so packed. I'll hold you 42. Yeah, you know what's gay about it because that's the age when a straight man lets

himself go kind of and you're keeping it up. Yeah, well, I gotta actually get my shit together speaking of really. But you were in shape for a while. Like I see pictures of you old like I like it. I like it. I think you feel like you're comfortable where you are and you don't necessarily need to change that. You know, health issues?

No, I don't. But going back to my tummy issues at the beginning of the show, how many times a day do you eat? 17. I'll tell you what I did last night. All right, I'll tell you where I'm at. We'll hobbit. What about second breakfast?

What about 12 of these? Do you shit all day? He doesn't know about second breakfast. You know? Joe and Laffa, his mouth wasn't so small. I don't get the reference. I never saw the hobbit. I'm gonna jump.

Oh my god. Okay. So, this is my problem. My food is, you know, it's fucking fucked up because, you know, fat and all this shit ever because we're fat and all the fucking crazy sick fans we've created. These comedy fans that you, you fat cunt, you know what I mean? You eat right away, you get up. And fat by the way, my people.

On the internet? Yeah, it is a lot of fucking dudes. And I get fat. I get called ugly probably. like every other day of my life Yeah, I know but I was like when I got to hear this dribble, but what a woman. I'm not listen If someone's gonna say I'm gonna rape you. I'm I'm not that's bad Yeah, that's terrible the thing of like you're my appearance. I hear that shit all day. Yeah, I don't really have a big Boohoo for that fucking Lindy West girl getting called fat like I get called shit all day. I don't really have a big boo-hoo for that fucking Lindy West girl getting called fat.

Like I get called ugly every day. And I didn't think I was that ugly to be honest with you, but I must be because, I mean, people just take, really take the time to come tell me that. Yeah, no, no, I get the same thing. I get a lot of fat fuck, fat, you know. And you can always tell with a guy who is trying to be funny or a guy who's right and i and i it's a weird thing to insult somebody that you don't know for

no reason uh... no they think they're being over there they can you think they know you too well they know so it's a weird thing it's an excuse that they've come up with to you know to justify their you know that's that's the type of right now i'm kidding that's the guy he is excuse that they've come up with to justify their, that's the type of person. Because I don't know, I'm kidding.

No, that's the guy he is with the people in his life. I mean, the people in his life probably are like, wow, what a fucking dick had it. Well, do you know what I mean? I mean, that's what it is, but here's a deal. Okay, you know what I mean? You're ugly, I'm fat. But yeah, but it's like, okay, now,

but where do we, where do, do, where does it go from there? Well, what that is? I don't understand, you know what that is? A lot of those guys. What do you want out of that? A lot of those guys are like, they're like fans. I've met a lot of people like this. They're fans and they actually like you.

And for some reason, they have this weird thing that it's like gay to tell somebody they're good. Yeah, well that's good. And they feel, and so they're like, I gotta tell me the fat fuck just so we know You so we know you know I had a guy too. I Yeah, exactly it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. I Had a guy actually say what do you all you want as fuck? Oh, you like his accolades? Yeah?

You just like when people say nice things and don't tear you down. Hey guy I've been the reason I'm a comedian and my act is so it's because I've been told I was a fucking piece of shit my whole life. Right. So now that actually I'm doing, you know, it's not, yeah, I like, I like what somebody says. Well, you know, Amy said, you only retweet good things. Yeah. It's like, are you fucking, or doesn't Make any sense what a fucking You know Amy right, it'll be comments on the like they used to be on when the show came out I used to look at the comments on the thing and and it used to bother her because it'd be like am I crazy that I would fuck her Who like I don't know I think I might fuck her

I don't know and they're trying to bit yeah Well, I wrote that in because what what they're doing is like I'm as I tell him like look Of course they would fuck you. Yeah, they're so lame and what they're doing is they need to know their friends would think they were cool If they fucked you yeah, so that's what I like are my nuts that I would fuck like you just say you'd fuck somebody You know better validated it's weird to because it's like she said I'm fat and I can fuck I can still get any dick I wanted you know if I said that I would be drummed out of this business Yeah, if I said I'm a fat fucking I'll get all the pussy I want. I would be fat people would come after me and women would fucking attack me Yeah, I would be a massage in this dick right fucking shape

Dude what's that asshole? Well, yeah, I dare you think you could get so well Louis last night had a good joke about it Because he he said it people would write these things about how he's this fat ugly dude dating cute girls And how fucked up it is and they're like we don't know him's fat and ugly. It's great when she has a hawk I he goes listen, you're not helping her by calling her fucking ugly and brave like there people are angry Yeah, it's there's not like a fairness to it. It's like, how come a fat guy has an attractive woman with him? There's like a class, I don't know, it's a weird, it's almost like a feminist thing that it's wrong. Like I don't get when somebody's mad at some rich old man

that's paying a young chick to like be with him. I'm like, did you want her job or something? Like, you didn't want that guy, right? Like what do you, what do you be grudging that for? But it's, it's fucking weird that they, you know, this, this thing we've had to learn to accept, you know, this, this, just, like I look at actors fans, I was saying that they, they get shit too,

but they're so support, they're so supportive. Like it's, well people don't think they can act, people think they are comedians, don't you know what I mean? Maybe that's it. I think we're responsible too. Look, we've Frankenstein, this fan base together, with our fucking evilness. We were sitting there going, comedy was too fucking

horseshit, politically correct for us. And we started going, hey, you fat fucking, eyebrowed, fucking muppet. Don't take it. I deserve it. And we would make each other, and they hear this, and we kind of put them in this realm of this is what we do.

And now, hey, we do the same thing with our friends. Now, let's do it with you. But some of it, some of these people are just misguided, fucking ass. Well, it used to bother me when someone would go, see now, like this girl I made fun of on Twitter, because she goes, she goes, Insane Machoom was gotta be the dumbest show I've ever seen.

Okay, her name was Gwivanetta, and I go, okay, just on a scale of one, to being named Gwivanetta, how dumb is it? I don't know. Which I just thought was a simple like comeback. And anyway, turns out she's in high school. So. That's the same. It's 13 years old. So she's in high school

13 years Yeah, and so they have this My name is River Nada. Well that's what a lot of EC is causing. And I don't go that's it. I go here we go. River Nada. Oh, I had this alban- He turned out to be Albanian this kid. He was like, he would write to me. He was a fan of race wars. He was right about-

He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little-

He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- He was a little- I use my own Albanian face to do it, but he wrote to me, uh, uh, you do have taken four faces. Like I look like I didn't listen to your warning that you're good luck. Bobby, I got to see that movie. No. What the fuck do you do? I go to the movies a lot. I don't see the hobbit or taken them. All right.

I guess. So he's such a rassic world. Why are you wearing my aunts shorts? Because it's hot outside. You, you look like a fucking middle-aged woman from paid card from the waist down. You look like a played basketball. You're a fucking clam digger. I'm gonna say, I'm a pianist port.

Who took the shorts from the summer house? Me and your father are gonna take the kayak out to see the fucking whales. And then we're gonna go co-hawkawk it Google image me a woman wearing gray mess basketball Most Dude it's mouth looks like a box Dude it's a box of fucking peppered farm. Remember cookies. I love it. It's a lot bigger than a cookie. Oh, wait, something good in a mouth.

Listen, this guy, this guy would write on my wall. Bobby, he'd be like, you're corny. Like, all this shit, like, you're corny and what I should be playing. Why are you like corny for using the word my wall? What, is that what you call it? Nah, just say Facebook. Oh, yeah. This sound like the Simpsons are like, you call it a garage? Fancy? He's like, what do we call it? Nah, just say Facebook. Oh, yeah. This sound like the Simpsons are like,

you call it a garage? Fancy? He's like, what do you call it? A car hole? What do you, there's it? So he goes, he's calling me Corny. So listen, I go on. Joe laughed at that.

I know, through his fucking mouth hole. I'm gonna, through his fucking straw hole mouth. So he calls me Corny. So I go, okay, I go on his Facebook, find a Self a shirtless selfie of him yeah giving duck mouth. I'm like well this guy says I'm cool with by the way threaded eyebrows We made up but So I posted hang on was it you gonna be a lead singer in a Jersey band. I'll take anything Bobby

I'm so desperate right now Well, so I post this picture right and I go, well he says I'm corny by me. Is this not corny? This dude lost his mind. He goes, you just crossed the line, bro. There's going to be consequences. I like you.

You gave him a exact thing. You don't know. Yes. He definitely has. I go, you know what man? You're bullshit. You crossed the line. This isn't enough.

This is enough. But I go, well you just said I'm going to go No, you're a public figure. I'm a private citizen. That's the fucking thing they have They think you're a public figure. First of all, they think you're famous like you have all this power Yeah, and because you are famous that's license you ask for this and they don't have to take it ever because they're a private Yeah, a lot of people think that even though they on the show. I wish Twitter would be more responsible. I wish these things. I wish they'd take some of that millions and millions of dollars

and be more responsible when you hit abuse. A guy says some fucked up shit that they'd see that and be like, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you attacking somebody? It goes into the freedom of speech, but it's not, it's actually a stand-up. It's an app, they get up standards, because if you don't wanna be a part of it,

you can go to somewhere else. I mean, it's a fucking, I mean, look, I mean, you gotta just, you get to the point where it's like, fuck it. All right, dude, whatever. Okay, if I delete you, you're gonna get, you're just gonna come back with another dude, fucking. You're never gonna reveal your songs.

Do you get into these, like do you acknowledge these arguments to get into them? I don't have time, here's the thing. I don't have time anymore. I don't do it. I did it before, but I just don't have the time now to do that. And I know that it's, I've done it before,

and then it wound up doing them a big fan. I just didn't like what you did. It's like what? Yeah, but I didn't oh, I didn't know that. It's like, all right, whatever. It's a waste of time. Well, like, dude, I'm not listening to you show anymore. It's like, okay. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Okay. No wait. Yeah, like wait. Wait. You don't understand the suggestion box downstairs in front of the colony. So right to the left. Okay. The people put their gum in.

Yeah, but they can at least have a standard just to block like I'm gonna reap. You know, like I got one that I'm gonna keep you juke-scolling with a crowbar. Yeah, that they would, that if it's racial, they go after it. If it's racial, they go after it. Hang on, calling somebody ugly, they won't go after that. That's a race I'll get people are a race the mean race by the way the main number one race Yes, the number one race at any comedy club is ugly. Well the thing is we have to all say everyone is beautiful So just being like it's okay to just not be hot. Yeah, well look man. We're I mean

I mean it is not you can do someone said they're gonna cave your juice sculling. That's what you respond with. I'm not Jewish. I go, sir, I have just a normal skull. I'm not. I have a Mormon skull. What won't you be embarrassed when you find out? It was not a juice.

Somebody opens it up and the Jesus comes out. Hey, what have I done? Did you and then the guy keep going? Did he keep threatening you? No, it was on a new video of this Greek joke I had. Surprise some Greek guy. Yeah, Aaron, you can't start rubbing your chest nonchalantly because it's making me hot. It's a habit. I know you got to stop because it's making me. I shaved it three days ago. Oh, dude. Oh my god. Wow, we I'm Bobby. I'm literally like five minutes away from taking my top off. Hey,

dude, can you do the rest of the top of us? Make it two minutes to make us all happy. Yeah, make it fucking 13 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Put it back on. Wow. Look at that. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's really good. Yeah, you look like the strong man in 1962. It's really. It's, I thought I looked like the rock until my girlfriend saw the rock on ballers the other night and goes oh my god Yeah, and I was like what she want can we go can I see his can I see it? I just want to see what it looks like Yeah, no, yeah, there you go like lean back to the back. Yeah. Yeah, there you go Oh, the rest is like that

Jesus Christ, can you bring me grapes? Did I fucking bring bring you whatever you want can I eat the body of stomach? Can I have can I eat sushi off of you this afternoon? I love you like my medallion that takes the douxiness to the next level. What is that does it spin? It's and it's some Jewish words or something. What is it? What is it when you spin it does it say G.A.Y? You look like the Zellhorn. It's so good. Pick it up and go, oh, what is. All right, nice talking to you. How far have you got it?

You get the bandana on that one or no? I got the, where is the bandana? I don't even know. That's good. There we go. Is this offensive like this? No, do it. Please sure, dog.

I just don't want to fuck out. I mean, you're starting to sweat. You get nervous. You want to do it? You guys, wait, at the end of the show, take a before and after kind of picture? Well, you know, it's so funny. We did, I put up a photo today, we're doing a show this weekend, Saturday night in New Haven. Where is it? New Haven. New Haven, New Haven, whatever the fuck. Sports Haven in Connecticut with Scopo and Lewis and there's me then there's Lewis and then there's I mean the Scopo then there's Lewis and it

does look at Lewis looks like a before and after everybody kept putting that up before and after photo of what Lewis is now I'll get back I gotta learn all right here's a deal I'll I'll tell you the other night last night last night I've had tummy problems I had to the other day do one of the most heinous things I've had tummy problems. I had to, the other day, do one of the most heinous things I've ever done in my life. I had to take a stool sample. I went to the doctors because it was fucking me up. I don't know what's wrong.

It could be, could be something wrong with my liver. It ulcers? No, it could be, I don't know what it is, okay? It could be gallstones, but I took a white poo last Sunday. White poo? Pure white. Well, not pure white, but it's a little abona, but what happens? The reason when you take a white poo last Sunday. White poo? Pure white. Well, not pure white, but it's a little abona, but what happens, the reason when you take a white poo,

the bile is not getting into your poo, so that means gallstone liver, something in that effect, cancer, blah, blah, blah. So if you shit white, you need to go to the doctors, because bile is what makes poo brown. Okay, whatever. It went back to regular poo, but I went to the doctors.

I still went because it happened. Yeah, it's really good. And she goes, they go, the doctors now, apparently, back in the day, you take a poo sample, you shit into the thing, you put it in a bag, you bring it back, and they do the little processing, scooping it out and putting. Now, they have you do it.

So there's four containers, and then there's two two little pads and they go, we need you to shit in this thing, which is looks like a banana split ice cream fucking container. That doesn't sound heinous. Okay. And then you have to scoop out hunks of shit into vials, put the lid on, shake it, four of those, and then smoosh on little cloth envelope, open it up, smoosh, shit, close it, put it in a bag, bring it back.

You have to do all this yourself. Okay, yeah, so now. You don't have insurance? I haven't. I haven't. I haven't insurance. Oh, Jesus, it's country sucks. So I go home.

I wake up the next day. Now I've been shitin' like ribbon candy for a week. So I'm thinking it's not, it's gonna be, you know, little ribbons, whatever. I take a shit, let me tell you something. It was fuck, my wrist broke. I'm shitting, now I'm shitting in this thing. My wrist actually broke, it was so heavy.

Like I couldn't hold it with one thumb and an addiction. I had to like reposition my grip. It was just a massive dick lock, like just a massive log, and I shittin' this, and now, you know me, I throw up. Now I gotta take that, put it on the, now it smells like shit, do you gotta put it in the freezer? No, I have to do it then.

So now I have to scoop with a tongue depressor. Scoop shit, Now I scooped off the top, but it was a little hard at the top. So I had to go in the middle. And then I had to scoop it and scrape it in. There's no directions on how to do this. I'm scraping it in. Then I had to take it and mush it and then smoosh it and then take it and then flop the shit. But I was almost throwing up and dealing with shit. It was the worst thing I've ever done. I would have just taken one of your baby's shits from the diaper and just like there, that take that. Oh, well, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Yeah, then I found out my kid has gallstones. So, but you took this into the, I had, I take it back into the doctor on Saturday. Did you bring a big cooler? No, I was in a plastic bag. I walked in, she goes, where's the paperwork? Where's the papers? I go, I thought in a plastic bag. I walked in, she goes, where's the paperwork? Where's the papers? I go, I thought those were directions there. I didn't bring them. She goes, we need those.

And I'm like, yeah, but I don't have them. She goes, well, you might have to do this over. I go, if I was dying, I'll, look, I go, I go miss, look at me, I'll never, ever as an adult do this again. This is the worst thing I've ever fucking done. I'm not doing it again. I don't care if I die. I'm not doing it again.

She was like, well, all right, let me see if I can reprint them. And of course, fucking, or she can't, toot, technical, you already, you know, my doctor, Steve, doctor Steve from Where'd Medicine, you know, the, you could elliptic.

He, he goes like this, he goes, what, he told me what they would do. He goes, you should've just took the shit, just hunks of it and mushed it in there, because they were, they're supposed to do that. They were just lazy. Oh yeah, I was supposed to bring them a sample and they're supposed to scoop it out.

They just made you do that. They made me do their fucking dirty work, literally. Oh, scumbags. And he goes, you should have just took hunks of shit and flopped it in there and mushed it together so they'd have to fucking deal with it. But it was the worst thing I've ever done. So I've had these stomach issues.

So last night, my stomach, my sick addictive brain, because I have my stomach certain again, and I'm not supposed to eat carbs because I'm on the tron to lose weight. I start eating premium crackers. In my wife's, I'm like, you know, I'm supposed to eat it, I'm like, yeah, but my stomach, okay.

And then I'm like, do you have any rice? She's like, I'm like, in my stomach. So she makes me some brown rice with butter and salt, which is one of my favorite things on the planet. So I eat that, and then she goes to bed, and I start to make peanut butter and jelly premium crackers with milk, which is one of my favorite things. Premium to make peanut butter and jelly premium crackers with milk, which is one of my favorite things.

Premium crackers, peanut butter and jelly. Oh, just premium. Premiums of the fucking best, right? You have premium cracker? Like saltines? It's a saltine, but it's a premium. Premium plus. Premiums of the best.

What was the difference? I don't know, it's just the best cracker in the fucking world. And then all the cut to me, one-thirty in the morning, peanut butter, jelly sandwich, bag of chips, big glass of milk, and the godfather three of all movies. Well, you even watched the piece of shit. You didn't watch the movie up into a back.

I just tumbled out of fucking control. And it was fucking control. Yeah. And it was fucking nut. And this morning I went and got donuts. That, why? I don't know. That's a dip to be. So what happened with your golf?

Do you have a gall bladder or a cancer? I don't know this week. Oh jeez. I know. How are you functioning? That's insane. You're out doing a podcast. Because you've been hoping all crying is bad, yeah.

Why? Because I'm sad and scared. you said scared if you but I I'm assuming that I'm better I don't I'm hoping that it's just a stomach tummy tummy issue I doubt it is what He's in a cancer I don't know white poop I'm looking at a guy with a white poop here Joe's the least reassuring do you know what I you know stew camons? I do. Okay, so this is, I still, this is a,

this is like a year ago maybe. Yeah. So I took, I remember I drank a five hour energy, okay? I took a little piece of his anix. I smoked a shitload of wheat, right? And I have a problem. I mean, a peanut butter jelly with chips. So hold on, so,

why would you do that? Isn't, so I start having a huge panic attack, right? What's a ditch coming in a peanut butter jelly with chips so hold on so why would you do that isn't so I start having a huge panic attack what's what's a ditch it yeah I'm having I'm comfortable with it I start having a huge panic attack right so I'm like okay this is just the five energy is okay because annex is supposed to be calming me down but it's not I'm getting even more panic He's like what's going wrong? I call Stu Cayman's Comic that you know right? Yeah, well, Joe used an X Jones. Yeah If anyone's gonna be able to tell put it in perspective for me. It's gonna be fucking still I call still I got to I think five hour energy I spoke to all the sweet and I took his annex. I think I'm having a heart attack I think I'm a heart attack. He goes. Yeah, well, I mean, you probably should call in the ambulance, man.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's probably really dangerous. I'm like, wait, what do you mean? He goes, listen, don't even take a chance with that. If you feel like you're having a heart attack, you should call an ambulance. Yeah, right.

They go, are you serious? I call 911. Yeah. I go, I go, my heart won't stop beating. That's what I said. That's hilarious. They say, they go to send an ambulance to me, okay? Yeah As the ambulance is coming the Xanix hits me and I mean as scared as I was that's how now calm and there's nothing wrong with me

At all I feel as an ambulance is on the way. Yeah, I call 911 back. Yeah, yeah I go. Like it's an Uber. I'm really sorry. I go to get charged $10. I'm so sorry, okay. I took this, this, and this. I thought I was having a heart attack. She goes, well, the ambulance is on the way. I guess you could tell them that.

Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I called 911, the emergency line again to cancel. So then I got side to the ambulance. And I'm like, now I'm like, I'm afraid they're gonna hit my guts, you know? I'm like, guys, yeah, I go. I go, guys, I'm like, now I'm afraid they're gonna hate my guts, you know, I'm like, guys.

Okay, cuz you're a little sleazy. Yeah, I go, fuck. I go, guys, I'm really sorry. I took this thing and I'm a jerk. And they fucking, they go, yeah, it happens all the time. They're like, don't drink five hour energy, smoke weed. We get this call, like, you told them exactly what you took.

Yeah, they go, we get that like all the time. They're like, the Xanix should have just made you feel better. I go, well, yeah, it does now. I'm like, oh, yeah, you're fine. What is Xanix to so it's a it's a sedative it's what do you call it you take drugs for your mental I did years ago what did you take I took Xanix I took Paxel for years daily and then Xanix if I was having a panic I did I think I don't know it's hard to

stop taking it because I didn't want to be on well first of all the Paxle I couldn't come it a jerk off like you stop taking it? Because I didn't want to be on, well first of all, the packs, I couldn't come. I jerk off for like three hours and it was horrible. I was like, sure I'm alive, but why? And then I just, you know, my dick was raw from masturbating for a full day. And then I just didn't want to be on drugs anymore. It's a lot of drug.

So why would I want to be on drugs? Now do you feel, look, I've never taken a drug for my men. I did it once for a couple weeks, but then I just stopped because I saw a friend of mine who was taking and he had white stuff in the corner of his mouth. Oh, that's cool. And I was like, I don't want to be that guy.

You know what I mean? Who doesn't know he has white stuff in the corner of his mouth. That guy's always a douche. Right, I have a coming out of your asshole. So do you still take him? No, I took, I had the same thing. I took, I was having these bad panic attacks. The doctors basically just threw samples of packs a lot because I never insurance right

so yeah I'll try this on taking packs of I just read I took into the presence for a while I don't like it should I'll do it I did but then I was like I don't want to be on this forever it's a little fucking on so I just stop taking it and then I was just I was like, I don't wanna be on this forever. It's still gonna be on, so I just stopped taking it and then I was just, I was fine. I just read on the internet today. Hahaha. There's, I can't find it, I don't know where it went. I bought some other thing besides it, but there's an IQ drug, like a smart pill.

Oh, I need that. They're, no shit. Like the Bradley Cooper movie? Yeah, it's all natural, but it actually does help smart pill i need that their and no shit but the bradley cooper movie yet simp it's all natural but it actually does help your brain function and uh... and uh... that's a wash in this ticket uh... and he says i can look at a script once and just remember i said it's like there's these

uh... what's the part of the that's not like not like uh... what's the uh... at all at all at all and but it's all natural Yeah, my brother I think my brother's on this. What is it? I don't know because your brother at a wrong I might talk to him but why aren't you talking to your brother because he's a fucking asshole Well now he's smarter from this drug. No, he's a Adderall and then like to try to get him off Adderallol They're going to this all natural way. Yeah, what is it? I don't know what it's called

I wish you took it so you know it's called it He's not gonna answer Chris's text because he knows Chris is gonna text. He's not gonna respond to it All right, sorry I want you to tie that around you fucking leg Fucking cha-chi I want you to tie that around your fucking leg. Fucking chocchy. I was gonna say, wasn't he gonna use that anyway? That's too hot! And you're too blame!

You dying to tie a bandana around your leg. Oh, look at that. How about me? Oh my god, it looks good in here. It looks that means you're available on that. Look at Joe Renov, which leg? Yeah, I read about it today and I'm sitting there. and look at joe rano which leg uh... yeah i i read about it today and i i i'm sitting there

and i had the order page up and i was gonna order it and just try it uh... but then i just said fucking at the last second doesn't joe rogan takes on like that i don't know he takes leg or those on it that's his company though yet that's he always says he takes pills and he has dreams he remembers his dreams a lot more it makes me want to do a lot more things i don't want to remember my fucking dreams well can't I zoom my girl just texted me up with me so

that's really the nice that's because i texted her and i said you heard his feelings yeah bobby it really works are you on a smart pill because yeah you life I Really want to fucking take I they're saying you know the name of it I don't that's what I don't know the name of that's my point of it. I didn't know the name Please take this pill if it's available. I want to get to stop I want to pay for the pill for you for a year Okay, however, he's yeah, I want you to take double the dosons Yeah, the doses don't fuck you. You don band-in if you're fucking up a word. Yeah, I would love, I mean, they're talking about, there's two things that's gonna happen. They're gonna have some type of brain pill that will, it's said that doubles your IQ.

Double your IQ meant. First, it doesn't sound scientific. It does, it does. It sounds ridiculous. It does, but what if that exists? Would would you take it if that's a real thing It's called the clear pill There's a that's the jam box jamie box reveals clear pill made him a hundred and forty million dollars. I don't trust you I don't trust Jamie Foxy either. Well, that's racist

Real-life limitless pill. Yeah, what does it say? i'm coming to a read it and then come back to us do the do the research and then form an opinion and bring it back to know i want to live through it in real time in scope of fucking voice if Terry crews endorses it i'd buy that why cuz he can move his tits like yeah he's fucking good uh... i don't know i don't know if i i mean i i think i would take it in a second if i could double my i IQ and get in the triple digits Would you take it we know?

No, I don't want any pills. What's that? I don't want any pills. Okay, not if it's not a drug if it's all Nashar out. I know that doesn't seem that if it's in a pill. It's not natural They had to cram it into a pill form. Well, they can all natural is you're eating something that grew No, there's a natural pill. No eating your pills natural pills. That's ridiculous. Jin sing Was it made in a fucking factory? Did the fact that it's natural and doubles your IQ the first week that sounds like bullshit to me What if it isn't what if it's real what if it exists there is a natural pill, but I don't think that's a yeah That's natural is growing off of a tree. All right, it was made a factory

Putting a fucking bottle in bed. It was a very technical about natural. You know, we're saying this I know what you're saying you said milk is saying it's not Carefully enhanced is is is pasteurized and put no a bottle but still milk. It's natural from a cow Yeah, it's coming out of a cow nature Then it goes into a factory not shitting a box of pills. Look, if I can get my IQ up to 80, shouldn't I try? Hahaha. I think I would.

I would. And here's another thing that's gonna happen in the next five years. We're all gonna have a robot. Ooh. I'm telling you right now, there'll be a robot in now. It won't be one that's walks up. And, you you know like,

or you could fuck. Yeah. But there'll be one that sits on your counter and when you come in, hey Aaron, how welcome home. Did you have a good day? You got four emails. Would you like to turn the TV on? I recorded your shows that you love.

Yeah. How great would that be? How great would that be? How great would that be? How great would that be? How great would that be? How great would that be? something yeah that's gonna happen will have movement will have fucking movement i'm there's a they had it on the news on cnn the other day in u.s.a. today there's a robot out now in japan of course that can

sense your mood who by facial expressions facial recognition and tone in your voice and it can talk to you and and and in that mood of what's wrong you seem sad tono en tu voz y te puede hablar con tu en esa movida. ¿Qué es lo que es? ¿Cómo es lo que es? ¿No lo es? ¿No lo es? ¿No lo es? ¿No lo es? ¿No lo es? Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, lincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Huelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea.

Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. A Natural Robot. Bueno, voy a decir, cuando están empezando robots, que puedes bancar, que ha hecho, maradar es un plomato. Es un plomato, porque si un hombre puede ser un espalto de espalda, Marriage rate is gonna it's gonna plummet. It's gonna plummet because if you if a guy could just buy a fucking spouse I don't think girls will do it as much as guys, but if you could just buy a spouse to hang with you What was that movie with her? Phoenix her her did you see that movie? Did you hate that movie? I?

Didn't I like the movie But I love the i love the technology concept of the movie i thought that was amazing i thought it was fucking amazing let's just how here's the best part of having scarlet joe hanson just her talking that was the idea of maybe you know it maybe maybe that no no as just her uh... blathering away on a phone.

Yeah, but she has such a sexy, dirty sex voice. You don't think so? Everything about her... I want to... It brings... Riverfina... The lucky... Riverfina is dead.

That'd be gross if it was Riverfina. Lucky Nphinex, the character he was being in that was... Like, I wanted to kick that character to death. Why? Because I hated everything about him. Why did you hate it? Because he's straight out of fucking like Bushwick. Like this is the future is going to be this guy with this voice and these pants up to here and his little stupid glasses. And then like they're joking around when he's falling in. First of all, I'm already in love

with my phone. There's no way I in it. I'm already gazing. Imagine if you're a phone, if you're a phone that you love, that you're on all the time, even during the show, if you got home, it was a cake, you're at how you doing? I'll be your phone, let me be your phone, okay. Well, we can just use the one that's vibrating on the table, so the whole show, and you haven't disciplined him one time,

but I get fucking phone jail and shit thrown at me. But Kurt, so superhero who writes for Schumer and has giant weird nostrils So he can use all reasons I am one of those reasons of valid it's vibrating every three seconds I say I'm very distracted a lot of stuff going on. No discipline. Well, don't say to me say to him because you I'm not mad at him Can you hold on my phone to if I told you to yell that regularly by you? I'm at it you I'm trying to tell you I haven't noticed it going on You have not noticed it until this once this second he read it during your whole cancer-ass white shit I was looking up shit. He wasn't looking up at it. I was looking up. Can I tell you what I was looking at? What my poop is white? Should I see a doctor? No, he was being he was being

I know what I'm said to be a pill which by the way way I don't I suspect is wrong that he what is it called power A XT I found alpha ZXT. Yeah Back to your little fucking thing with me. I didn't notice it when he was using his for put your fucking phone away You're gonna put I swear to God Joe. No one is calling you're gonna hear it. So Hanley You don't hear the cans you don't hear the cans I heard it that last time. That's it. I swear to God. I'm sorry Joe. Um, it's alright Bobby. But if you're hurting my feelings, but now I feel like we we recommended this. This is saying recommended. Yeah. I need that. We recommend it. What's the name of the bill again? Hey, so if you're a phone good talk. Let's

be a phone. Okay. Okay. Here comes home. Long day. Third floor walk up Washington. Right. Just say no. Just say open door. Call me. What's my name? What's your name? Your name? Tom Tom open door Hey Kurt Tom Tom how is your day? I think it's any business cuz you're a fucking phone. So you're so funny. Oh, you make me laugh Hey, sorry about that map scrub today. It's all right, TomTom. Hey, what do you say we watch a movie?

I don't know, Tom. I'm kind of busy. Maybe you could, you know, go do something. Yeah, but you know what I found? What, TomTom? I found your mom's best friend porn that you love a brand new one. Well, I would like to see some new porn of my mom's best friend. It's awful. I, Tom Tom, but you got to leave the room while I enjoy it. You can't be present this time.

Okay. Oh, don't be like that. Tom Tom. I'm sorry. It's okay. You knew what this was. All right. You knew what this was. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I enjoy the porn that I got you. I hope this porn develops a lot quicker than this bit did. We're having a moment. This is exactly as good as the movie her. The dialogue is pretty much the exact dialogue. If you let me ask you kind of nice talking to Tumtum. Here's a deal. You have a robot. You see, did anybody see X machina? Yes, sir. Was that good?

I thought it was great. I loved it. I loved it. Now, you have a robot like that. If that phone goes off again, I'm throwing a microphone at you. Why? Because I have this, I have to stick up for, uh, I have this Judd.

Oh, keep it in your pocket, you fuck. Oh, sorry. Every other person, not to me. I just yelled at him. Every other person. What do you want from me? Every one of you. What do you want from me? What do you want from me?

I'm gonna hit him with a microphone. Here's what I want from you. I just noticed you started to go, you started to go, I have to yell at you because you started to say me. I was trying to be funny. It's not for me. Everyone in the history of the show has been yelled at except the big dumb Kurt.

I'm trying to be awesome. I want to jab be funny. I was trying to be funny. Everyone in the history of the show has been yelled at except the big dumb Kurt. I was trying to be awesome. I wanna jab a pencil into your mouth and choke you right now. You're insensitive. You're very insensitive. I know you're staring at me. You mean Joe. Yeah, because when you go full psycho, you look straight ahead.

No, you'll get on magazine. You'll get the magazine from Alien that the robot did directly. No, there's a question, Joe. Yes. Now that the phone's away, would you, if that robot existed in X-Market now, if you could have one of those,

say you could get one for $3.95, and you could finance it. That's probably gonna be like, if you had a co-sign, like your parents co-sign, if you had a guarantor for your robot and you brought her home. I don't have a guarantor. Would you have- I just saw Jurassic World.

Story two. It's a piece of shit. Would you fuck? Would you fuck it? If I was single, I would fuck it. Really? Yeah, I feel like that would be, you know, not in fidelity if I was had a girlfriend

that was fucking a robot. Now, what if you had a girlfriend and your robot, you came home and your robot was just, your roommate took your robots, close off, and posed her with her gash out and her finger in her pussy and programmed, like hacked into her and said, when you came out with a H.O.,

I wanna see your big fat cock in my mouth. And would you do it then? My girlfriend did that to the robot? No, your roommate, curt your roommate. Blom is roommate, someone's gonna get it done. Well, he's not gonna do it because he's dumb so

Right. What do you want me to do? So my roommate took my robot and made it dirty. And I can do it. It's made it dirty. And you had a girlfriend, would you fuck it then? No. You'd still say no to it?

Yeah, but I would look at it's vagina. It's a nice vagina, but it's a robot vagina. It's not the same as a human vagina. How do you know? I'm assuming, but I don't know. I think if they're lips. Yeah, they go. Yeah, I think there's a girl over here. It doesn't even I don't know when I feel insensitive. That's Lauren. Come over and say hi Lauren. Hi, hi, hi everybody. Hi,

hi. What happened to um Kelly Fistuki? Fistuki. This is Lauren. She's my assistant for a little while. Oh, yeah, she's not Kelly not at all Kelly. No, no Lewis is just he just fucks with me mate He just fucks with me. No, I love him. I love the death mate. I love I love the death man. I love him. I love, I love, I love the dance, man, I love them. I love the dance. No! So anyways, all right, sit back down. I, that's it, we're good. See you.

Oh, that was great. Yeah, I think if, I mean, if I can't wait to have a robot, I can't wait to go. You're not gonna have a robot in your lifetime, no? Yeah, I think you will. Five years, five years, a full functioning robot. Maybe not in AI. What do you mean, but not not when you can fuck?

No, I mean, one that like, you know, I can fuck anything. The I robot. Yeah, we're not having I robot. I can't point you out. What would he get ahead? I'll tell you why you won't have an I robot because of battery life.

They haven't figured out battery life yet, but. What'd he charge it? All right, hang on there. Fucking ass face. Let's just solve your battery life. No, you What do you charge it? Hang on there. Fuck it, ass face. Let's just solve your battery life. No, you didn't. I did.

Oh God, listen. What you will have is something on your countertop, or through your house system that will recognize your face and know when you're home and talk to you and be able to know what you like, what you just, and help you with you like, what you just and help you with household things or you're actually scheduling your life. Well, you know, hey, take a photo of us right now or bring up this on YouTube and throw it on the TV in the bedroom or record this tomorrow and that and that and that. You'll have that.

You say, you're like, it's already in your phone. It's already there. It's in your phone. It's like Siri basically, but it's just just gonna do all the shit. I don't think I don't think five years ago time Water I know exactly you're Tossed a slavery yeah, can I can I is this offensive if I if I do have a robot like that and I want my robot to have the voice of Sam Jackson from Django You'd have to jailbreak your phone to get that voice.

Yeah, no, no, no. I'll break your robot. I have seen it. I miss you like a stone in my shoe. If I get in it. What's wrong with that? If I just wanted to talk exactly like, Stephen, the house, you know what? Mass occurred. welcome home.

Is that so bad, I just want a robot to talk to me and let's call it an old-timey voice. Yeah, I'm very respectful. I would love. It's classy. It would be weird if you got an outfit, like suspenders. Oh no, they'll be. I'll put like white gloves on the robot.

You always have hands, but I'll put them on. I would love a robot. I can't wait gloves on the robot. You're losing have hands, but I'll put them on I would love a robe I can't wait to have a robot. I will fucking buy the first robot that comes out fuck this giant No, since before we get excited about you know, I'm not you're I hope it's something now. That's what I hope I hope it's something No, I'll have you back on the show and I'll sit here and I'll fucking shed a tear I mean you can find out that some things aren't comedy. Yeah, some things are fucking stepping over I know how I'm a joke. Oh, yeah, you stark white Joker poop. Don't joke don't say it You saw the poo your stomach must have dropped like no, no, no, it's still there. I'm afraid

Dude, I think this is awesome. I just shit white seriously. I was fucking excited. How many bloody ones have you ever taken? Yeah, not that many. No, I don't shit. I had a period where I just would just flush and I was fucking excited. How many bloody ones have you ever taken? Yeah, not that many No, I don't shit. I had a period right just would just flush and not even give it a little period Yeah, I don't look at it was all blood. I don't look it was well It turned out as red blood which is is not that bad. It's that just means a hemorrhoid possibly Yeah, blood blood is the one that you That means it's helping up in a lot of blood Oh, it's taking time to get blood. Yeah, red blood. Yeah

You get a hammered yeah, yeah, yeah, go put a bad hammer. Yeah, it's all over the streets Well, I was upset. How do you know? He tells me I've shown up and then I told everybody Every down Really yeah, you know I got the bed day I haven't asked like that and not being able to sit down Scope was on the outside or is it where you can't see it's was on the outside when it's inflamed It's on the outside. Oh no mind. Oh, it's out when it's now it's like inside. So it's cool. It's cool I have you seen it. Do you know what it looks like? I felt it

Feel like a little ball. Like what? Like a rabbit shit ball? Yeah, like a little like a pellet. You know like a little balloon, like a little blue tie balloon. Like a paper like that. Yeah, like a red paper. Yeah, I know.

How do you get rid of it? Certainly removed. I mean, no, it's I just. Yeah, you have to go to the doctor's and the other way. No, it was. My shits were like hard and it was taking like forever to come out. and it was just it would that I have to push and that would make it come out Is that because you're so nervous because you were at LL a lot?

Loming yeah, I think the best thing to do is wait for a robot to come out Yeah, I have nothing snippet fucking mock the robot thing and less than five years I said it wasn't gonna come out I just think that you're sound of good okay. Oh, all right Listen first of all the robots coming. It's not five. It's it's five years. I got the way Two and a half years Hopefully You'll be able to pay me yeah, what he describes is like time Warner cable could put that out Where it's like here's this robot that's gonna run your TV is going to run

your lighting your home security going to the house say hey robot I want this on sure yeah that's not bad it's like Siri for your house well there it's already Google but right now Google home robot and it will come up dumb dumb oh my god what's the chat room saying let's go to the chat room real quick let's go to the chat room yeah sure Christopher Let's go to the chat room. Yeah sure. Christopher says Bobby's not fat. He's just a white dad.

That's a fucking very good observation. Oh, it's fair. That is, you know what? That is a fucking good observation. I turn into a dad. But now I have to be a healthy dad. I mean, he did it like five or six years before he had a kid, but it's fair enough.

That's true. I was thin. Ha, ha, ha. I'm not sure. MS69 says, the question is, would you guys double the size of your cock if you had to lose 50 IQ points? Who wants the double the size of your? Nah, I'm good with my cock now. Well, you got a big piece.

We've got a double the size of your cock. It's all right. What do you lose? 50 IQ points. It's very easy to lose some cock size. You can, actually, you can lose 100 IQ points. Yeah. Yeah, and I, well, I do need the IQ points. No, I need to lose some cox eyes. You can actually you can lose 100 IQ points. Yeah, yeah And I well I do need the IQ points. Can I lower my cox eyes and gain IQ? Yeah, you get a what are my options? Hey listen You you your dick is fine. Your dick is perfect. Yeah, I need anything

But I would definitely I would lose IQ points for a bigger dick. I'm good. Yeah Yeah, I think so what size of your dick. I'm good. Yum. Yeah. I think so. What size is your dick? I'd say like, it used to be nine and a quarter. Hard. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now Like six and a half inches maybe? I've heard stories about yours. Why measure with faces?

So maybe that she's a ruler. Yeah, we have long faces. But a face and a half, is that good? Yeah, long, long mask faces. Hey, what do you, what do you, what size is your dick? Like six and a half. Two hemorrhoids. Yeah.

Six and a half's around there. Oh my god, what about you, Depot? That sounds same for me, six and a half. You know he's lying, we just take someone else's measure. That's a good one, that's what I'm saying. They don't call him Deepu for nothing. What are you, what are you guys? What else you got in the chiro?

Who else? On the topic of marital issues, black Oswald says, Dante and Nero would have been all over this topic. Yeah, but Dante would have told us to hit him. I'm joking. No, let me tell you something,. Dante I had him on my show. Yeah, he is fat. He holds Lenny Marcus with his girl.

Do you know that? No, when? Not long ago. And he called his girl a toe to break up with Lenny. I'm telling you Lenny can turn. But Dante, you be Dante is like has some genius. He like I'll tell you how to text right down to what punctuation he is.

He had Lenny's side and the thing with like no punctuation that actually made all the, it's brilliant what he does. I'm not even lying, dude. I'm fucking. Can I say something though, and I do, I do command Dante. I absolutely, I think, but when you're in a, when you're, I'm in a relationship with a woman for over 20 years, okay?

When, you know, when you're not playing the the field your whole life, when you stop playing the field, it's a different set of skills. So here's the thing, at the beginning of a relationship, that's fine. But when you get married and have a kid, there's a different set of skills you need to learn. I talk to them. You get married and have a kid. There's a different set of skills you need to learn because if you don't, if it doesn't work out and you have to get to the point where you have to tell this girl to beat it, you're fucking up a kid's life. You know what I mean?

So, there's, you know, like I said, and it's, there's certain women that are easier to fucking pimp than it is. Well, look, I thought that way too. Right, and we had him on and he talked about it. And I was, I was very shocked shocked that it really wasn't that. It wasn't just like some pimps shit. Like it was very kind of nuanced.

And I have him on and ask him, could you might be surprised by his face? No, I do. I mean, you know, I get nervous when Dante's, I had him on my house, well, me and him once. And I was like, don't talk to my wife. I don't want to do fucking look at it my wife.

Dude, the girls on my shirt come back angry at him at all. Don't give them a back rub. Yo don't my neck gets a little big. You know I gotta lift up a car off of me. What else you got? Diane Bagg me too says I find that you can be a slob when you're packing 10 inches or more. I'm a slob now and I'm not 10 inches. You can just be a slob dude. You have a big dick dude. You're 10 inches. No, I'm not. How big are you? I don't even think I'm nine dude. I don't think I'm nine.

My girlfriend said she saw Kurt's cock somewhere and she was like it's freaky. I'm sorry that's it. I was drunk and I... Yeah. Where'd you see it in this bed? Want that? Yeah. Yeah, I'm a little nervous about my deck right now. Why? I don't know. Does it still, what's your sex drive like? My sex drive is not there. I'll be honest with you, and I probably shouldn't because I might get shit, but whatever.

I'll be honest, my sex drive is kind of enchambles because of my weight. Just because I've you know it's this is the hardest it's ever been to lose weight from me before every time I lost weight it's like I just made the decision I turned that button click boom six months later. Put the Veege. I don't know what it is. It's just no age. it Joe. I wish I had I was gonna recommend I take I take aids down to the fucking wire and then start doing the cocktails I bring it right down the fucking Tom Hanks in the fucking day. He's a Berlin patient. Marrow now I would I just fucking my huh my high cheap homes would come back and then I just got fuck I just have a little pot belly and fucked up fingernails And then I just got fuck, I just have a little pot belly and fucked up fingernails. But yeah, this one is, and you know, my wife, here's the problem.

My wife has gotten better with age, you know, she's actually, there's girls that, cute girls, but become beautiful women. You know, stand, and my wife is, you know, she's, you know, she's pretty, she's been the same for 20 years basically, but kind of got better. I, you know, now it's psychological with me where, you know, I don't feel pretty. Yes, man, I'll say it. I don't feel pretty. And I mean, you get you know, the internet internet is you fat fuck you fucking piece of shit You've got and every you know every kind of I look I'm okay with it. I'm fine because look man a lot of the It's made me a lot of money in the last couple years. Yeah fucking torso

It was Michelin checks coming in strong I mean, seriously man, but it's a Ben dumb listen this fatty you are the more they want you to take your shirt off. Like, if you put something, they don't want your shirt off. Me, they like, Marin, I remember they're like, you have to take your shirt off. I was like, I don't care, you know, whatever, cause it's for what the thing is, but, you know,

it's like, I get, that's the joke that I fuckin' ripped my shirt off. I had fuckin' a six pack, it wouldn't be funny. Yeah, I don't give a shit, but I don't wanna do that for all. I feel fucked up lately. And that directly, you know, the only thing that really turns me on is if some chick was like, I just, you know, I just, I just want to suck your dick. I don't care. I just love you. That fucks, that gets me going. But, you know, with my, you know, even girls or fans, it's like, fuck, man, I gotta do something. And it's hard, man, it's hard.

I was going to the gym for three weeks, three, four times a week, kicking it, and then I just fell off, and now it's a motherfucker. My body's, it's weird to fucking be in this body that I don't, it's weird to be in a body that you don't like, and then to be in a business that I don't, it's weird to be in a body that you don't like and then to be in a business that is about your body. I mean, I gotta go to this thing tonight.

I gotta go do a fucking, you know, you know, red carpet thing and do a Q&A and I gotta sit on a stool and my gut and then all these photos and they surface and then you see yourself. Yeah. Oh, fuck me. I mean, there's a point where you just gotta go, look, that's me. All right, what are you gonna do? But it's like, fuck, I wish I could change it.

But it's this one's a tough one, man. I gotta do it. I know I have to do it, but it's, this one's been the toughest so far. It's, you know, weight, a food. Which fat is this? This is the seventh fat. I would say I was on the sixth and I was going down to the fifth skinny,

but I just fucking took a left and went right, I went right to barbecue seventh fat land. And I literally built a bridge from the sixth fat to the seventh fat without stopping at a skin. Listen to this like that. What's that movie that's on paper? You know like you were the 7th fat of a 7th fat. You know the chosen one. 7th son.

Oh yeah. Well that fucking idiot. I'm sick of him doing accents though. He just does one work like his mouth is full. So no, no he doesn't. No, Lebowski. No, who is that? Fudge is Bridges

No, no, yeah, what is he? I don't have a son. Yeah, so I'm a From a Yeah, some some with a mustache or you just go like Oh, I saw the movie and it wasn't a bad movie. I like fantasy. I watch it. You know, it's a good movie I'll tell you what? What we do in the dark. What is that? It's on pay-per-view. It's a guy from Flight of the Conncords,

JimiN, the 31. And it's about all these vampires that live, they're like roommates in New Zealand. It's almost like a real-world thing. Oh no shit. Dude, I left so fucking, I watch it twice. I had somebody come over. Was it funny? Very funny. It's funny. It's funny horror movies. It's not a horror movie, but there is- I don't want to see Buffy the vampires.. No, it's funny horror movies. It's not a horror movie But there is I don't see buffy the vampires now dude. It's the funniest shit It made me and there so he's introducing all the like the dandy ones and reducing all the vampires So you do since you mean and I came in with the fucking guys He's he goes all though his old fashioned and then they cut did you make come he goes where should get slaves

Dude's a good movie funny. You know, it spy was really funny spy. Oh, well, what's the car? I think she's good man, and well, it's Jason Statham was fucking hilarious in it really hilarious Yeah, you know it's it now I fired it on Well, you don't say that on this oh my god. I didn't do that. I didn't do that No, I don't know. Oh, what did you mean? You paid for it in the theaters? What you mean? Yeah, yeah, 13 dollars. We don't do that kind of stuff. I the last movie I saw was X Machina and I fucking loved it and I thought Visually it was fucking amazing. Why want that house?

Yeah, that actor what's his name? Who's the lead in that? He was in the Oscar Isaac Oscar Isaac or what's the movie? He was built around here? I wish they would read if I Loon Davis what's his name Oscar Isaac if they ever redo the Godfather Yeah, I hope they don't but they should use him as Michael Coleon. He is fucking amazing. No, it's great Yeah, he is one of my new favorite actors in that movie. He is he fucking cuts the line between cool and funny and just intense You know is he really yeah, he sounds like he's a Jew, but he's nice a Cuban guy. Hey, he's great

But there's a real problem. I've talked about this before another outlets We have a real trailer problem in the business what do they reveal too much in trails it is fucking insane and i get to the people are dumb and they want to see a whole thing they show the robots sprinting down the hallway tackling him yeah why would you show that that's you know i mean you don't know what that is but you know it's some point the robot is going to attack him so from the beginning of the movie you know that this robot is going to attack him so from the beginning of the movie you know that this robot is going to attack you I thought I would you show

He's there's a fucking robot boom. I agree with you I don't I'm like you and Lenny Marcus and there's a there's a few you out there that you know Have that problem with trails. I don't I don't mind. I'm seeing the movie anyways Yeah, if I if there's I can tell whether I'm gonna like a movie in three seconds. Exactly. That's why the trailer should be the one. I understand, but it doesn't bother me. I could see, I could see most of the movie in the trailer and I'd still go see it. Yeah. I don't give a fuck.

I'll spoil a movie before I go see it. I'm giving shit. Yeah, that shit doesn't bother me. It really doesn't bother me. I, it's, it's stupid. It's not about bothering it. It's the principle is so frustrating. Like, does that new, uh, the Martian, the Matt Damon movie gets stuck on Mars. That looks great. It looks great, but they show way too much in that. All you need to show is that they go to Mars, they leave, they think he's dead. It turns out he's alive. That's the end. That's the end of the preview. Matt Damon is stranded on Mars. How did they fuck you on that one?

They keep showing. They show him in a ship. They show him growing grass. They show the people finding out. They show a press conference telling you, they show so much. Just show me a guy gets stranded on Mars. That's it. That's the movie. And that's how it used to be years ago.

The trailer for Psycho is literally Alfred Hitchcock walking around going, I don't know what happens in here. It's like a crazy, this should be teas. It should be all teas. Yeah. So the robot is going to attack, oxidizing at some point. I go in knowing that.

I may be right, maybe you're right. It doesn't bother me though. I don't care. If I like a movie, I'm gonna fucking go see it a bunch of times, no matter what. I'm gonna watch it a bunch of times. I've watched Iron Man fucking 17 times Even that they show him in an Iron Man costume. Did you like

I'm kidding Did you like part three of Iron Man? I I did and look one was the best two was okay Three wasn't the best but better than two. I think it was a little I think it was a little better than two. That's how I thought. One, three, two, three. I think one, three, two, but one was the best. But I love Iron Man, I love Tony Stark. I just wish Favaro went back and directed.

They took him off the last one. He came off the last one. He was the last one. No, no, no, no, no. He was directed first two. I don't think he wanted to. I think he came out of it. Yeah, I think he came out of it.

I tell you, the movie that I think is going to really be scary, which scares the shit out of me, is The Grizzly Maze. Have you seen the trailer for that? No, it's about these fucking bush. It's about fat bush. No, it's about, you know, the grizzly bears, like but a massive, massive fucking bear that is just killing people. And these people go out into the woods, camping, whatever.

And they get, you know, they get stuck, a grizzly maze is where the grizzlies kind of, that's a real thing open. It's a real thing. And these people kind of get stuck in there. So they coordinate to attack the people? You wanna see a trailer for a fucking movie that they're running, you see these people running.

One guy has a girl that's hurt on his back, which sucks. I'd leave that bitch. That bitch would be fucking bait. As soon as the bear came, I'd fucking fuck her in his throat. How did you get away from the bear? The apps are fucking loathing. I would be gone.

Then the bears are full. Well, that's gonna run. There's another girl running, and you see just the feet of this, you know that grizzly girl? And then the girl stops running and she's looking around and the camera's panning and then it pans and you just see this massive grizzly bear. It's just like just looking at her from behind.

And then do you hear a heartbeat? No, just she doesn't she has no fucking idea. Yeah, and then he goes and she turns and she just can't even speak Yeah, and then they show that the bear compared to the girl You don't understand how big grizzlies really are the big they're fucking Matt. I mean a grizzly paw is that fucking big I mean it's fucking massive right I should be a big family uh barren stained bears you read that book and no I'm not giving you the fucking but you don't even just no no no no that was so bad the bear danna I don't yeah keep it give me that one for the bear, Dano one, give that. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Like a bear, Dan.

The bear and the same bear. It's coming out soon. There was a movie, it's on iTunes Trellis, which I love. There was a movie a long time ago about, some nuclear shit got into a lake, and all the animals and the fucking woods became like they had these massive tadpoles. Food, food of the gods?

No, not that. It was a... I didn't get the name of it. But it was a bear that became like fucked up, nuclear, massive, crazy bear, and it fucking killed everybody in the woods. You see the movie Bobcat Goldtweight did about the big foot? Yeah, that was great.

Yeah, the end. Remember that last scene where there was just one shot in the tent? That was scary. Was it a horror movie? Yeah, it was a movie. I mean, yeah. What was it called?

It was like a Blair Witch of Bigfoot. And Bobcat, I mean, yeah. He's directing, man. But they actually had this new show. It's called Alone. It's a reality show where they take five, you know, woods guys, you know, and they drop the ball alone with a pack and they drop this one guy off,

literally in a fucking grizzly mate, like a bear area. And he's walking and he just sees a bear with two bear cubs in the tree. And that's the worst situation you want, right? A mother bear with two cubs. And he's in his tent and he's got a hatchet, that's the worst situation you want, right? A mother bear with two cubs. And he's in his tent, and he's got a hatchet, that's it. And they don't give him a gun, or fucking a horn, something.

Why did they do that? I don't fucking know. You see like a bear grills character? And you got to know everything. Not that type of guy, but not as good as him. And they have to film themselves, and he's going, hey, this isn't work, fuck this. He goes, I didn't sign off of this shit. You guys drop me off with fucking, and he's like, I'm out, and he just going, hey, this isn't where it fuck this. He goes, I didn't sign off for this shit.

You guys drop me off with fucking, and he's like, I'm out and he just pulls the fucking phone out, makes the call and they gotta come and get him. And you tap out in the show. So you're not out. Right away. I was tap out in the heart. They show the, he has to put a camera up

out one of those nighttime cameras outside on a tree looking at his tent at night. and you can see the fucking bears Right at his tent and he's right there with a hatchet like what are you gonna do with a fucking hatchet? Yeah, and he you can hear Fuck that dude, and there's nobody out there's no camera crew. Yeah, it's just him. So who saves him when he taps that What's the time between tap out and rescue? It was it was he he was killed by bears Is it like a day or do they come out of helicopters and swoop in they came the next morning on a boat

They're not too far away, but they come on Yeah, and then they showed a trailer to like the rest of the season and the next like what they all of a sudden you see a Cougar there's a lot of cougars You see a fucking big cat which I'm more scared of than a bear. At least a bear, you can kind of scare away. I don't think a cougar gets fucking scared. No, you gotta keep it in front of you, because the cougar always wants to get behind you

to hit the back of your neck. That's how they kill you. Yeah? So always make sure the cougar has to face you. I swear to God, the cougar's kill. That's from being stoned and watching TV. Kurt was Googling sexy cougars But that popped up so we read it

I can't tell you some because my my ex the crazy one you can my ex the crazy one When who was kind of a cougar? It was much a lot of the same principles like when we fought I would open my jacket to appear larger It works the same way never turn my back on her same way, I never turn my back on her. Oh shit. I actually, I learned, I've been, I Google all the time survival shit just so I know. Well I like this. Just so I know how to fucking live. I know that I'm not, but I watch all that shit as much

as I can. I want to, you know. I know you can survive on chalk white poop, in the woods if you have to. Yeah. Yeah. You just keep, because there's no violent, and you just eat it. A lot of people are not the secret,

there's white poop. Oh, I hope you shit white. I really though, I hope you shit white. I don't know more about the white poop. Dude, I'm gonna- Did you wipe white? No. I didn't-

There's a like white out on the day. I don't know. I don't have a bidet, so I didn't I don't have a bidet so I don't know You have a bidet, but you wipe afterwards though, huh? You wipe after it's clean. That's so amazing, dude You have a bidet so you can wipe your ass and drink out of it by the way 70 bucks for a bidet well what yeah, I bought mine was three I bow one 350 and it has I'll tell you what it has it has a wash button a bidet button An end of a button which you really gets up in it. Wow. It has air air blood dry dries your ass It has heated water. He changed the pressure as a false version of the size. It'll shoot white paint

Hold on hold on. I can stop using Karen's water pick Not mind just because cold water not Not on every vagina, but yes. I've used, actually, you can use a electro toothbrush for a vibrator if you're ever in a jam. Oh, yeah, I know. Okay. Or there's a phone app for 99 cents. I went to high school, we heard the rumors about that one, girl. There's a phone app?

For a vibrator, it just vibrates. It's like 99 cents. And you turn your phone into a vibrator. Yeah, and a smelly fucking phone. Yeah, I hear it. I hear it. I hear it. This is cool, we heard the rumors about that one girl. There's a phone app? For a vibrator, it just vibrates. It's like 99 cents. And you turn your phone into a vibrator. Yeah, and a smelly fucking phone. Yeah, your phone smells like a...

Phone smells like fucking feet and turkey gravy. Dude, the one I got my girl on, what if a giant is supposed to smell like mommy? Wow, sorry, now you've been giant as a human smell. It smells like turkey gravy. Is that what you said? Is that turkey gravy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You like it? You like the inside of somebody's body smell? My girl's got a good one, man.

Yeah, I recommend it. I'll have to see. I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is, Bobby. I'm gonna put my mouth where her money is. Where your money goes. All right. What? I'll bring you some underpants.

She throws me underwear like a fucking dog when she comes in. But now do they smell them? I has for it. Yeah, but that's kind of weird because like if I took my panties off a hiss, smell my nuts. That's gross, like my balls were sweating. Well, well, you know what, it equal. You know what, you sound like my girlfriend,

but I get very hurt when she says that to me when I often. Really? I smell my balls. No, dude, I make a stand and I fucking, for like a sniffing. Really? Yeah, she's been out. You, maybe like a hot fucking summer day.

Yeah, like, go get over here and just, just to fucking. You make a good off the train early. Yeah. So she can walk like 10 blocks. I go walk 10, yeah. Ha ha ha ha. I'm going to now that you say,

I can't believe I didn't think that. Yeah, I go, I go stand here for your fucking inspection. Yo get off at 89 I do like like like I'm Rodney Dangerfield from Nacho Boone. Yo yo get off at 89 Street. I already got off at 79 Street Bay. I can tell what what stops you got off of by smell. The six is down. Am I that weird? This is... Is that weird? None of you have ever made a girl stand there, she could sniffer. You're like, I didn't understand what you said.

What did you say? None of you have ever done that. I'll take a whip and I'm not making her stand and be there. You've never gone getting positioned so I can sniffer you. No! I don't treat my woman like a fucking robot. I'm sure. And get in position. I like the smell of a clean vagina which is no I don't treat my woman like a fucking robot Get in position. I like the smell of a clean vagina, which is non-offensive and smell doesn't really smell like vagina

That being said sometimes I find vagina takes on the smell of my breath, which is horrible when I eat it And I'll be like oh what stinks and it's my breath like a Monte Cristo cigar And it's nice like a Monte Cristo cigar pussy but drinking it so lady It's a pussy you clams casino before this I don't know I like it. I don't mind. I like Falafel snacks. I stopped eating asshole, too. I don't eat asshole. Yeah, I should do it I see that don't really you build up an immunity to it. Yes, you do not I used to eat ass. Oh, really you build up an immunity to it. Yes, you do not Watching your head maybe your girls out, but not random ass Eat ass that's dangerous. I got sick once and I had to go to the hospital because my glands got swollen from it

You're a fucking asshole my throat got so good. Wait a minute minute was to cheat peanuts and you're allergic to air No, I apologize to you about that and you said you're not gonna bring it up I had to go to the doctor. What did you say to them? I said I think it's strep throat or something And then it was a woman by the way, and she's like it's really infected like they look that woman You mean guy. Yeah, it was nice to me guy that has dude. You mean guy that has the same. We're gonna have to inspect this with my cock. And then it was all white inside. You know when you get like stripped out, I got really sick for me in your ass. Was it like instantly like the next day? The next day.

I tried to have sex with this woman and she wouldn't let me so I got a piece of ass. Where was she from? Fucking a tribe in Africa? The East Coast of Canada. St. John New Brunswick, that's where I was. And I ate her and, and I almost, and I think I broke my arm almost too.

I put her shoes really heavy and I was like drunk and I was like, come on, get on my back and then I fell and it snapped and I ate her at that night. So I went to the hospital for three days. You ate a heavy girl's ass, you from fucking... It was so gross. How heavy was she? Yeah, two and change.

Oh, that's not to ask you. You eat my girls like a little blonde fucking. Yeah, you eat the ass, the thing. Yeah, that ass just rubs together all day. This is not even touch. Like, her, yeah. There's no thighs rubbing together. That's like all created equal.

Yeah, it's the sides of her vagina wall look like, like an elephant's fucking knee pad. Blah, dude, that's fucking gross. Yeah, it was gross. I just was here. I said to sound like a mad lib. I used to. I used to.

I used to smell like an elephant's knee pad. I used to love my ass. I used to love, I used to have girls just eat my ass. Yeah. I wouldn't wish that on any woman used to love, I used to have girls just eat my ass. Yeah. I wouldn't wish that on any woman. Well, what I did to my, I mean, not you, I mean, I just would never be like, go look my ass.

Back in the day, my ass was, I had a nice fucking hairless asshole. I remember that. How'd you keep it? There was fun. It's in his old head shot at the seller. Yeah, I had a good asshole, man. I had a nice asshole.

No, it was just a nice, you know, little Bobby Kelly asshole. And now more hairs in it right? I don't know what's in there, but it's, you know, I wouldn't- It's a paparit. It shut down, the factor is done. That's a mess. No, I still keep it, none of you just like,

your girl, you like, come here and you just jam your face in her twat to smell it. No, no, no. But just a smell it. I'll smell, but it's not a, it's not a, it's not a, I'm down there though. Get the position. It's like a, you know,

when I even fucking, I'll just be, she's gonna. I out and I go come over here. Yeah, so I Know because I know I that's we I get over here. I don't know that's weird fucking Bring it over like fake shit like fiction type shit You know she likes I am by the way true romance yo yo Pull it. They said is what she likes. I don't know young. Good. I every young. You check I know what are you doing just, you smell it. I think if my wife was in her 40s, and have the mother and my child,

if she was a, like a, like something your old girl. So you're 10 years younger than you, girl. I would do that. I agree with you. I would be like, you know, bring that little 20 year old box over here. Let me smell your butt.

Would you smell it? And then just jerk off to it, you just smell it. No, no, sometimes I'm just taking a whiff and then I got business to. Now, did you ever, do you ever smell it? I'm going to, what? No, no, sometimes I'm just taking a whiff and then I got business to hang out with. Now, did you ever smell it? A smell and go, what?

No, dude, you got the best. Never. I'd listen, it's good thing we made up because she has a good, good smell. She never had like a little poo and a little came out and then the hotness and then a little mustard, like a little deli mustard. Dude, I swear to God, I know.

Never any deli mustard. Look, I've had, I know what you're talking about but with this one never happened in in almost eight years Jim ever once wow that's great. That's great, man But I know I know what you're talking about where you're like I do when I said date Del Fino and she was a stripper Yeah, who's that just get Del Fino? I remember her I don't my first girl. I came up here with she plays a ukulele Nash the comic. Oh, yeah, you know She is okay, that was my friend when I moved to New York and when I met She was a stripper. Okay, so she came home and she looked hot in her like stripper outfit

I'm like, come here. I'm gonna eat your pussy. She is you don't want to do that Because she'd been rubbing it on a fucking pole all night in this filthy place called Billy's beef and go go They sold I sold stakes great stakes Gloucester, New Jersey I know, they sold steak. Great steak. Oh my God, wow. Gloucester, New Jersey. Wow. So she doesn't want to do that. And then I insisted.

I'm like, don't get over here. So she got a little stripper G-Shrink. And I put my face down and I went, oh my. It smelled like she kept a rolling nickels jammed in her toy. And I felt like, I felt like she was so like trying to save me from that. Because she knew, but I'm like, no, it's beautiful. Like my dumbass didn't listen to her. Right.

And wow, did I learn to listen to her after that? Yeah, just smell bad, huh? That hole is... That it's just smell terrible. Dude, just like a roll of fucking quarters and your fucking nizz. Really? Just for hours. That's not my talent. Now when you did did it didn't anchor something in your brain like I get anchored with like if a girl is a dirty pussy or

Well something bad happens or I get I get anchored Like a white poop what do you mean something bad? I grow discharge or me once. Oh, what kind of discharge? It was honorable. It was just... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's...

We're gonna wrap this time to show up. I gotta fucking go to my phone. I wanna hit a story. I had a girl... I real quick. I had a girl discharge. We were fucking and... You squirted?

That's a good discharge. Or like, Lucaria. It's a comedian. It's kinda real. Like the white kind of stuff. Like the white kind of stuff. Like the white kind of stuff. Like the white kind of stuff. Like the white kind of stuff. You know, we were fucking and it- Squirtin? That's a good dish. Or like, Lucaria. Commedia. It's kinda real. It was just a lot of stuff.

Like, come on a throb. Like yellow. All right, enough. It was like an egg green. Shut up. It was disgusting. It was fucking, and I anchored like that fucked me up with pussy for a while.

I expected it with that. I couldn't go near that girl. Yeah, you know for a long time because I didn't you know It's just like it was like I was like the jack in the box. Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump Every pussy I went with that that bump bump Yeah, I was waiting for shit to come out of it really happens with us though. How do you think they feel? What do you mean? I can be loud so hard the last ten minutes you've been doing this like a 60 minutes like hard hitting interview Like we're getting first-hand accounts of someone that was in the World Trade Center He'll like how did that make oh wow? Okay, so anyways, but that's what we have that's we have a gross fucking discharge Any blowjob hand job. I have that joke. I go, what I was talking about eating pussy.

Because when I had to, when I had, why was he, before eating pussy before the baby was weird? Because then when after the kid, we didn't have sex for like six, seven, eight months. And to not have sex for that long, and go back to pussy,

you forget that it, it actually, you had a desensitize yourself to what a pussy really is, which is literally a hole in the body where a baby's supposed to come out. And then you get down there in the smells and the consistency and the texture, you kind of, it's like weird.

When I had to go back down to eat the pussy, I was like, this is weird. I can't believe I'm just licking your pussy. This is weird. What a weird thing. I had the joke was that I feel like a little fish on a bigger fish. Just cleaning it. Yeah, a little cleaning fish.

A mora. That's called a remora. No, no, this is a different one. I know the fish are toys. There's little ones that hippopotamus is going the river and the thing is. That's what I felt like. You're cleaning a hippopotamus, Cremus. And then the thing is that I get that what what I felt like. Yeah. Yeah. You're cleaning a hippopotamus crevice.

And then the thing is that I get that what we do is like an awful jack in the box because they don't you know, just just comes out gross and it shoots in the back of the throat and it's nasty. Well, some girls like it. Yeah, they like it. Some dude. Some girls. I mean, unless there's something hot and now it discharges, I mean, I get here. Oh, that what am I I'm in the pussy so I'm like whatever goes with it's fine with me Other than unless it's like egregiously fucking awful, but green the smell is not bad to me It's like the same way I'm fast anywhere gasoline smell. Yeah, yeah Yeah, I mean I think it's something I think it's the more sex you have the more desensitized you get to the crazy

Smells and textures and of sex. Well, I must be a cold-blooded killer then, Bob. Yeah, you're a fucking, you're a serial killer. I mean, I mean, Kurt's dream is a girl who works at a gas station. I think we're so blown away by how good it was. We weren't ready for it. All right, listen, I'm gonna wrap this up.

All right, let's go around the room real quick. We didn't take a picture. We're gonna take a picture real quick at the end of this for it. All right, listen, I got to wrap this up. All right, let's go around the room real quick We didn't take a picture. We're gonna take a picture real quick at the end of this for everybody What do you got man? I'll be an Ottawa this weekend at Yuck Yuck's what do you got there? What's this cigar? You got I brought cigars for for you and Joe list. These are little girks They're nice. Can I keep mine in the package? Yeah, I'm not gonna smoke it right now. Yeah, it's a little, because you don't smoke, right? No, no, no, no, no, these are... What is this? This is a Gurka.

It's like at the Midnight. It's very mild. Really? Yeah, I just got one. Where do you get these? Well, I order all my cigars online, so I had a whole bunch. I got the humanars at home, yeah. Dude, did you see my humanar?

No. I got a 300 cigar humidor. Yeah, I got like 420 cigar humidor. I got a 500 thousand cigar humidor That I just I made my this room. I took my do really have a room I put my kid in our bedroom and I took his bedroom and I made it a humidor. Yeah, dude. I got a humidor with nothing but smelly pussy Yeah, no, that's great. Yeah, this is a really mild. That's a quick smoke. You know what I've been smoking? The one.

The Monte Cristo white. Yeah, that's a white poup. That's a nice thing, though. Yeah, the white poup. Thank you very much, man. I appreciate that. Yeah, thank you. Enjoy it.

So what do you got? What's going on? Yuck yucks this weekend. Where are yuck yucks in Canada? Yeah, in Ottawa. I'm going Ottawa. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. What are yuck yucks in Canada? Yeah, in Ottawa, I'm going Ottawa. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. What are you laughing at?

You said that so funny, you go, where are yuck yucks in Canada? Ha ha. You just got me, you're very funny guy. The way you're telling stories. I've always wanted to, did they pay well? Well, at my level, not a year level, you wouldn't want to do it.

I've got some weird level that I'm never going to get a gig again, because I'm not at his level, but I'm not at Schumer's level right right It's like it's good road money for a weekend and then they tag like I'm doing an army gig or something So it makes you an army Canadian army. Yeah, what are you talking about violence? It's it's great. I make a few grand for the weekend That's great And my new book American etiquette failing upwardly in a fox

news nation will be out in september that's great to thanks come back on you can be around tonight want to smoke these later i'll be back around eight thirty nine over at the seller uh... is little uh... so back i got a satin i'll come back i come back later maybe we'll smoke these uh... we'll go to the uh... we'll smoke my front or go to the Soho, the Sogaba. Okay, so. What do you got, Kurt?

I kind of, all my growth gigs are a little ways off to who cares, but tomorrow, Reese, because Reese Wars is going to, it's still a podcast, we're going to series. They're picking you up. Right, are they paying you? Yeah, good. Not great, but you know, whatever.

So it's Wednesday, that'll be like Wednesday night. It's an amazing show. Well, usually we's we got tomorrow okay I got the managing editor of Jezebel the feminist site coming in okay this other girl Carolyn can stick with some kind of feminist comment this trans comedian whose article I try to face what Robin Tran okay I know so that worked out. And then and culture on top of that. Oh wow. So I'll tell you, you know, I tried to get you on, I tried to get a podcast with you for a while, but I'm really, I'm really love your show. I'm glad it's you stand up. Labs is a pretty good spot. It's a great, they're

fucking great, but your show is fucking great. I mean, they've really put together, I mean, even Joe's Tuesdays with Murray is a fucking, is a great show. Oh Joe's over there too, yeah, he's got a great show. Yeah, we're doing great work over there. So tomorrow should be a real fucking... What channel? It's on DailyMotor. It's on serious yet, serious.

So we're going to listen to it tomorrow. On SoundCloud, I-2. Live? Oh yeah, DailyMotion motion we do run it live and I will check that out great great show and thanks for coming on you guys thanks man what do you got Joe oh well big big uh going out we can I know there's a lot of competition with shows this particular weekend but please pick mine July 4th July 4th I am headlining the stress factory July second third and

fourth February twenty eleven I think a couple months ago a few months ago why were you supposed to do it or you take an over did you book a his vinyne texted me about you want to book me in July and I haven't heard again about it like I don't know if they didn't take care of it my agents so I'm like a joke pick up my spot light now i just do for the july because uh... no one

that you know i'm i'm in a minute even we're the tweeners no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no and July 29th, 30th, August 1st, whatever that last week in Jolabia, comics. We have the mouth widened. I'll be at comics. In Connecticut. That's it. You're the best, bud. Yeah, Tuesdays with stories. You can listen to them.

It's so funny. You have Monarch, because you've been so busy. Yeah. You've been fucking all over the place. You're having a lot of fun. Yeah. And everybody's like, when is Joe? Joe, it's like, what the fuck? And you're been so busy. Yeah, you've been fucking all over the place. Grab a look at it. Yeah. And everybody's like, when is Joe? It's like, what the fuck? And you're coming on today.

I don't respond to it because I know you're coming on, but it's like, well, here you are. Here's fucking Joe. Yes. The truth is back on. You're going to be around next week? Yeah, I'm around all week. I've got no work for years.

Oh, cool. Here. Real bummer. Hi. I want to go to Deepu. and then I want to go to Chris. What do you got Depu? Oh, you can follow me at R2 Depu on social and broadcast on Parascope and on Twitch on weekends and that's it for me.

Yeah. Thanks Bobby. He, if you're available, if anybody needs... Yeah, my side business is like setting people up with live streaming studios. Yeah. If you want to do that, email at better call depot Gmail very reasonable price too and He's he's a mad scientist with this stuff. I need a real a no stick come free shower floor guy We can do that. What do you got scope? Oh? Give me a Chris Scopo on the Twitter. Mm-hmm

I'm at Uncle Vinnie's in, July 31st and August 1st. That's enough for a while. I don't know. Some guy I don't know his name. But your dates, if you're listening live this weekend at the tree house at Sports Haven and New Haven, I'll be there. That's not screaming. Sorry.

And then New York, you're at Gotham comedy club July 16, 17, 18. This weekend I'm gonna be with you, Louis J. Gomez, at the sports haven. So if you're a Connecticut, if you're a Riding Connecticut, if you live and you can't go, just fucking tell your friends, spread the word. And then I'm a Gotham when? 16, 17, 18 from July.

Fucking love that, I love that. Comedy cove, Springfield, New Jersey, July 24th, 25th. Yep. Governors, 7th and 8th. Ones at Mimbohemia and Ones in Belmore. Mm-hmm. And that's it. All right, so go to robbercadelive.com.

You can get yourself one of these fucking beautiful t-shirts. You can also download my special that I produce with Jim Cerberco and Bobcat Goatweight called Live at the Village Underground for five bucks. So if you want to support me and my standup comedy go buy that. I'm very proud of it. Was that the one on the comedy schedule? That was the one that was on comedy schedule. That was great. The one. Thanks man.

That was great. Yeah I thought yours was great too man but you know a big fucking I love jerking you off. Yeah, it's unedited version though. They edited the fuck out of it on comedy. Sent it to some reason. Through solid. Solid fucking hell, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Thank you brother. Appreciate that.

So go get that and also, what the fuck else I have to tell people about Deepu? Usually say you guys are the fucking best. You know what? Yeah. Subscribe. So there's some real resentment there. Yeah. Subscribe and review at YouTube right yeah

go to our YouTube page we were really pushing this out there deepwood does a great job we all fucking put this together we're real proud of our YouTube page so you know I know a lot of you guys listen audio which is great subscribe review at the YouTube page iTunes iTunes, all that jazz. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll is coming out on July 16th, 10 o'clock FX. And I think that's about it, right? I saw a bus yesterday with your head on it.

With my head on it? I saw one too. Why don't you fucking take that bus? I was trying to, but then the fucking bus moved. This is why you stink. You know what, dude? You guys are the best fucking fans on the planet Earth. I really appreciate you guys supporting all of these comics that come on when they go to the live show.

Make sure you walk up to them, tell you heard them on the You Know What, Dude podcast. And that's it. You know what, dude? You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free.

And they're all free, and they're all free