Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - F Nick Thune

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

We have a special show for you Dudes. This week Bobby sits down with Al Madrigal, Brian Posehn, Arthur Simeon and Rob Mailloux at the Toronto Just for Laughs festival. It comes from Toronto's famous Comedy bar C.C. in front of a packed crowd. Get ready to laugh your asses off #Dudes!!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable, 33 grados. You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com Here we go, ladies and gentlemen, you're all comfortably in your seats and we're ready to begin. Just a reminder to turn off your phones in that video recording and flash photography is absolutely not allowed. Alright, welcome to JFL 42, it's show time!

Welcome, welcome to the funniest podcast I'm the planet Earth. This podcast has no rules. What are the mic assholes? I'm sure I've already said should I record? Can I get a mic. I'm gonna go to the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already sent you the recording. Can I get a mic? That was your keep-alike comic head. I have a bunch of eyes on. It's just us sitting down to eat at things.

Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's a tad no topics. No directions. I love doing it. We don't have boundaries. That's how a host does. You motherfuckin' I! I wanna do you think my podcast is popular enough where I might affect somebody's life? You never know?

It's Robert Kelly, so you know what you podcast on whitecast.com That fucker's not you doing alright? Welcome to the fuck. You know what dude? You know what dude? Podcast. Fuck, I hate sitting on stools. Fack eyes on stools. It's the name of my next album.

It's fucking my little fuck. Ugh. It just makes me feel like shit. Can feel how little my pecker is right now. This sucks. But we got a- Is there people- I see these people does it go all the way back? Fucking hey, we're gonna have a great show. I don't know if you listen to my podcast. Do you guys listen? All right great eight people out of fucking a hundred

I'm sorry. I'm not married So what did you feel Not that that's not that I don't want anybody to cry. There's no fucking topics. It's not me ranting to myself being all the people. It's a, this is a comic hang. That's all it is. All I do, we just go.

If it's funny, it's funny. If it's fucking boring, it's boring. It's a comic can. Just picture you go into a fucking comedy club and you see the comics in the back yapping. That's what this is. Sometimes it gets heated. Sometimes it's fucking hilarious. Some people get made fun of. Sometimes people reveal weird fucked up shit. But I hope you enjoy it. So we got gotta, I mean, literally this fucking show tonight is off the chart. They gave me a list of people,

and the two people we got with the two people, I was like, they're not gonna do it, but I'm gonna ask. And they said, yes, which is fucking weird, because I didn't think they liked me, but, well, I didn't even mean? But they do, I think. But, well, they were just lonely in Toronto. But let me bring out this motherfucker. I've known him.

He's from Toronto. He's one of you local comics. He's hilarious. Not tonight or on this festival, but, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He's fucking funny, you shit. Romney, you everybody. Come on, I'll hit him, motherfucker.

Sit right down there. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He's fucking funny, you shit. Romneyme, you everybody. Come on, I'm gonna motherfucker. It's the right down the... He used to be fat, too, by the way. So I fucking love looking at your dangly little legs. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I love it. I love it. He's fucking the drugery gets the meanery gets. Still canadian, it doesn't scare me. I... Doesn't nothing. He's fucking the druggler against the meaner against. Still canadian, it doesn't scare me. I agree. Doesn't nothing. Even you grew that fucking hipster beard. It's a Muja teen beard. You have no idea what that means, huh?

It's not them, it's you. All right. Oh, we should have had a bomb bandana. We don't. Do we have a bomb bandana? I don't got any. There's a fucking whole prop closet back there. What the fuck? I'm not fucking the groundlings. I don't know we have a bomb bandanna. I don't got there's a fucking whole prop closet back there. What the fuck?

I'm not fucking the groundlings. I don't know what the fuck I wish you wouldn't flat tire that so badly Like that All right, listen for you guys you don't know one comics we talked to each other a lot of times we bust balls and it falls flat We usually have a bomb bandander on the show and Rob would probably get it twice by now, right? But we're gonna start the show. We got an hour. First of all, I want to give it not to be cheesy a fucking I get the guys here and just for last 42. They didn't know they didn't have the microphones and have shit. They put it all together in literally 20 minutes

They got five microphones. They're recording this so give a hand for everybody at this comedy club You're very lucky to have this place. This is a great spot. So thank you very much So let's bring out everybody if we have a little music that be awesome if not I'll just come Let's bring out everybody let's bring out the guests on the show, ready? All right, well, uh, bump, but, uh, bump, bump, bump. We'll start with a friend of mine, also a local, via Africa. You can see it.

He's via Africa. You just want to say via. Yeah, yeah. Got sponsored by the rail company. Ladies and gentlemen, you can see a show here, a J-A-V-O-V-R-E-2. Get it up for Arthur Simeon, everyone. Arthur. No, no, no, I'm sponsored by the rail company ladies and gentlemen you can see a show here a jable for you to get it up for Arthur Simeon everyone Hi, how you doing doing great

That's That's not even ever yet. That's what I'm gonna go. That's terrorist. That's what I'm gonna go. That's what I'm gonna go. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. You have to talk like Mustafa.

Oh, okay. I do five voices. So, I give it up now. Magical, everybody. One of the fucking... They got introduced to me. Yeah. You guys go ahead and do something good.

Well, that's next. Tell them his credits. Yeah, it'll be easier if I do it. Well, that's next. Tell them his credits. Yeah, it'll be easier if I do it in a reverse order, everybody. So he writes for Deadpool. He's one of the comedians of comedy. Give it up for Brian Post saying everyone. This is an Arthur. I'm going to shit my-

Ah, goddammit. You were supposed to be Arthur. I'm trying to push them out. Arthur didn't think your credits were good enough. is that the problem do you have any voices? No, okay good All right, let's bring out the last guy Well the last guy is sitting to my right holding your cup like an asshole What which one of us put it on the thing?

put it on the thing. Thank you. Thank you to the person who said table to fucking Bobby. We didn't know what a fucking table was. All right alternative comic lover table. I don't know that's your joke you fucking asshole. Just bring the fucking African dude out. Ladies and gentlemen, actually Arthur Simian. Ha. Ha. Ha. Arthur. Stop, buddy.

Yeah, Ruffles. You're wise, you're ruffin' it. Yeah, yeah. No, you actually ruined it right now with that. How you doing, buddy? I'm good actually ruined it right now with that. How you doing, buddy? I'm good, man. Good to see you.

Well, here's the deal. I've been on tour with you. That's where I met you. We did the Justful App Store. Yeah. And Alan met you in New York City. Yeah. But of course, I've known you for a while.

But we actually got to hang out and talk. And I feel like we've met a couple of times. I've never met you until tonight. Yeah, no, I've just been a fan. I'm a fucking like a geek fan of his. I love him and of course comedy. But that's just interesting thing with Brian. And I think a lot of the misconception with a lot of the alternate comics and we're, you know,

both San Francisco comics, but that they only like each other and they don't like Greg. But Brian, I mean, when we first met, he's like, I love fucking Joe Rogan. I end up all the like comics you wouldn't, you'd think like San Francisco comics are all turn of comics really snooty. But you know, right? No, it's true. Some of my friends were, but I always, it wasn't. You're a bit of a man.

I like people that make me laugh. Yeah. And it doesn't matter. The other shit. Well, I'm a big fan of yours because of, of of course Deadpool. I'm a big comic film. We were talking backstage Fuckin Ryan Reynolds is here Ryan Reynolds here right now I would literally fuck the shit out of Ryan Reynolds. I'm sorry that reversed that and let him fuck the shit out of Ryan Reynolds. I'm sorry, that reversed that. I'd let him fuck the shit out of me.

Yeah, but you, we're talking backstage, and this is a funny thing because you have kids, you have kids, you don't have kids. I don't have kids. No kids, and you hopefully, yeah, please, not my, you don't have any, right? You just killed a bunch of them. Sorry.

Jesus. Sorry, sorry. That's funny. I said that, but then you used the Lord's name in vain. That. Sorry. Sorry. That's funny. I said that, but then you used the load's name in vain. That offends me. I... But it's funny that, like, having a kid, like, you're one of the guys, you and Louie,

one of the guys that, when I was thinking of having a kid, a kid I was like well because the biggest fear is that you're gonna Loose you're gonna not be funny anymore like you're gonna become a human being and Have empathy and care about shit and lose your edge and all of a sudden You're just gonna be a dude a sweaty guy at an airport holding a bunch of shit right with a wife with a ponytail Just screaming at you. You know what I mean? We're boarding. You can't go to the fucking bathroom.

Why are you going to the bathroom? You're holding all this shit. Yeah, parents always look wet to me. Yeah. Right? I know what you mean. Before my son was born, I was going through the same thing, but it was guys like him, Fitzsimmons, Louis. But with Louis, I was like, well, I don't want to do exactly because

he hates his kid. So that was like, because before, when people would talk about kids, it was like, cutesy, cutesy, but then Louis was like, super honest on stage, but then you were like, well, now I can't, that's burned that. I can't hate my kid. Yeah, but I don't think he hates him too, but he's not in the face. No, no, he does.

I know. He does hate him to their face. Well, I heard a story. I did a, I did. Are you supposed to be telling this fucking real? He really hates him. Yeah, I was, I did. I'm never going to be a Louis again.

I see your name this way. Sorry, blame me. No, I did the, uh, Conan. He Conan he goes you talk I did Conan tonight show we're in the eight months. I was the second guest on a Conan tonight show I'm standing and Conan was very nice So Conan stand there in a wife beater so they're with me and my wife for 25 minutes after the show and talked to us Which is you know Craig Ferguson doesn't even have you on when he's there You know like and so there. Craig is here tonight. He's the guy at Clap for that.

He's the guy at Clap for that. I'm standing with Conan. I like how you do Kim material because it's really weird. He goes, Louie when Louie does Kim material. He goes, he was here talking about and saying like his kid was a cunt. And stuff like that. And then it was really weird because his kid was a cunt and stuff like that and then it was really weird because his kid was just standing right there. Oh, right.

His kid was at the show. And you just saw the wife and the kids just stand there looking from the green room just like looking out and they look. Mommy, what's a cunt? Right. Why father? But doesn't the red head out there? Doesn't a part of every one of you hate you kid a little bit.

First of all, your voice is just commanding. I mean, doesn't bother you. All I heard was, doesn't bother you hate. Doesn't bother you hate. Doesn't bother you hate. I heard, I heard, Eddie, you will not marry her. You will, you, Hayden. I heard, I heard, Eddie, you will not marry her. You will, you will, you will come back. Yeah.

Not a princess. Is that how I'm doing, Mack? Yeah, that's got, yeah. That you got to join in. But what did you say? Does part of you hate your kid? Yes, yes. Well, okay, I think being a parrot is the best thing

and the worst thing, side by side, at the speed of light. So as soon as your kid is just a fuck, and you're like, eh, he does something amazing that makes you fucking want to bite him. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's just this struggle of, oh, I got to fucking change you. I got to go here, we got to bite him. You know what I mean? And it's just this struggle of, oh, I got to fucking change you.

I got to go here, we got to do this, and there's no way out of it. A friend of mine said, it's like taking a dog and throwing it in a pool. It's just, you got to swim. And being a father, I think, especially for me, was just like that. It just, you have to go.

And you have it in your garden, start like the good stuff, it's still going to come. You've got a two-year-old. That's great. So I have a 13-year-old and a nine-year-old You have a fucking 13? Yeah, you have a friend You actually have a friend Total best buddy at that point like he asked me to buy ax body spray the other day I was like no, we don't do that I said I go yeah, we don't do that I a Jewish. You're not those guys, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I say I said, I go, yeah, we don't do that. I have, I like X-Body's brand. Oh, I was.

Yeah. He's an old-fashioned white person. Who's, yeah, I would. Yeah. Fucking Rob. I gotta say something. Sorry, I don't wear fucking almond oil. What is that?

I don't even know what that means. What is that? I'm fucking pussy juice on your own, bitch. The odor in his vine, I don't know. But we're big, uh, barriers, sports fans. So when the Golden State Warriors won, I mean, we had been fans of that team. So we sat with, I sat with my son and my daughter.

And my daughter was making Golden State Warriors signs and putting them in the house. It was like the best. It's awesome. You can make them like the shit you like. Yes, that's the best part. Like, I just went to my dad with my kid and it was the best fucking night of my life. So my kid's gonna love massage porn?

If you want him to, yes. You can gently push him towards that. Yeah, yeah, just be like, like the real massage point, when she actually gives a massage. And then I can't and then slowly, okay. Not the right to it. Daddy, I don't understand why I can't

wear my browser's t-shirt to the party. I'm finding when my kids are dick though, the things that are dickish about him are totally from me. Like so when he's an asshole, it's like a little version of me. I'm looking at all the time and I'm like, I can't get mad because it's like, oh that's what I would do.

Like somebody will go, you're a cute kid and he'll go, no I'm not. And I'll be like, that is totally me. Like, if he's been a dick, it's, well, daddy's kind of a dick, so. Yeah. Well, my kid, not my, he's just starting to talk. And that's a weird thing is you think your kid is never

going to walk, is never going to talk, and there's something fun. Because they're literally going, da, da, da, da, and I was hoping for a prodigy. I was hoping for a kid that was just gonna, you know, you know, just be able to say like, that's an exaggeration daddy. You know, like, I don't know, my friend, the guy who wants a comedy-seller, who's a friend of mine, his kid is a fucking prodigy, and it's annoying his fucking Facebook aggravates me,

because it's his kid going, you know, bassoon, violin, and they're the same, they were born the same week, and the fucking kid knows what a bassoon is. Like, knows the shape of a bassoon, knows the Beatles, knows the shape of a bassoon knows the Beatles knows the songs he does and my kids just going thaw ma, thaw this that yeah he has a better dad what are you? Dad owns the comedy seller your Rob Kelly

he really does but no man you guys know guys know, I, but he treats his kid, he treats his kid. It's almost like, sometimes I feel like he's a, like a fucking new iPhone. Like, dude, you see the new iPhone? Like, look, tell everybody what he can do. Like show him, say, bassoon. Yeah, yeah. And he's prading his kid around, showing him, putting in your face. I mean, believe me, I do the same fucking thing

if my kid knew what a Bassoon was, but my kid doesn't. I'm not sure I know what a Bassoon is to be clear. What the fuck is a Bassoon? I was waiting for someone to try me today. It's a... It's, uh, all the time. Do you know how Bassoon's in Canada now?

It looks like a floor bomb. It looks like a six-foot bomb. And it has a little... Bassoon. It's got a little tube. Is that anything in your bag? It's like a bomb.. It looks like a six-foot bomb. And it has a little... It's got a little tube. Is that a... Or like a bomb? Yeah. Is that a you really?

Yeah, it looks like a bomb. So I was hoping one of you would chime in and be like, this is what a bassoon is. You're going to see, you're in this world where all these parents are competitive and crazy and they're following their kids around and they're hammering with flashcards and shit like that. And so I know it seems like a nice guy, but he's probably probably with flashcards and shit like that and so I know it seems like a nice guy but he's I can probably with flashcards I can just grill them non-stop and the kid can't be a kid like your kid and I can make a mess and play with water and fuck just

I'm not my kid I'm not special I can't roll around on the rug I'm not a third man I'm not a third man like just run around is to's the fucking huge diaper. No, we changed his diaper out. Just the fucking diaper.

It's the fucking piss diaper. Just the diaper. You know when they have that fucking saggy piss diaper and they're walking around. Like you put the kid in the swimming diaper and it fills up with the pool water and your kid's just running around. Fuck.

Huge. He can't do that. It's just me and your kid just run and run and run. Huge. You can't do that. It's just being a kid. That's weird. It's funny, though, when you have the baby. The pregnancy is such a fucking great time. Because your wife gets big and you think you wouldn't like that, but it really is fucking cool and sexy.

But then when you go in, when... No one's agreeing with him. No, yeah. You don't like that? You didn't like it like she was big. But I couldn't touch any, like, my... Why? You're touching things. Why?

Because everything was so sensitive. I had bits about it. My wife... I'm doing jokes. But it was really true. When she breastfed and she, like, her boobs are so sensitive, they get big. And I'm really into that But then they go back down and then after the second kid, which you haven't even experienced her tits are all fucked up

I'm not gonna do I'm actually not gonna do that now. I go one one looks like a man's wallet Like one of those magic wallets. Yeah Like one of those magic wallets? Yeah, magic wallets. Why? Oh, yeah. That's what mine looked like. Yeah. Yeah.

Talk about Luia, bet you wife loves that joke. Yeah. Did she see my tip looks like a wallet? Man's wallet. Yeah, the other one looks like a leather sack. A nice wallet. Like, no. Oh, yeah.

With a button. With a $200 wallet. Yeah, we're not talking to some Velcro piece of shit. Well, here's the thing is when the baby, OK, it's coming, it's going to happen. But when it happens, it was, I literally had the shittiest day of my life. I was fucking pissed off.

I just was miserable. And I said to her, I go, I'm glad this fucking day is over. And she went, okay honey, relax, it's over, go to sleep. I shut the light out and she went, my water broke. And I went, my life has not been the same since. But that night, I remember when the water broke, I forgot everything that we were taught. And I remember I just started smelling like smelling the stuff Because that's all I can remember you have to smell it and look at it

You you have to smell it. Let me finish Go back Okay, okay, so what stuff yeah, first all, okay. I'm gonna explain something. We had a baby born on the West Coast. I don't know what you beef coast. Okay. We added doula, come in. You know what a doula is.

Okay, doula is, first of all, this girl shows up. That's the voice the owl was doing earlier. Okay, let it die. That deserve more. Look, that deserve more. No, it's not, I don't like the youth. Give yourself more credit. Go fuck yourself. They're that deserves more. No, it's not. I don't like the youth. Give yourself more credit.

They're the ones who tell you if it's for my biggest fan. I'll just call it a dozen. Mr. Kelly Smell the Water. Smell the Water. Smell it. Time to smell the water. Call it needed is the help of my friend now. Can you say it?

Commanding presence. I know what I'm doing. OK, here, the doula comes over. She says, we have this meeting with the doula. It's a three-hour thing at the house that you pay for. It's like hundreds of dollars. It's fucking crazy. Such a racket.

It's a racket, but I need to learn. I want to know about this whole process. Show us a shot. They have hospitals out there. What do you think? What? No. We did that too! But this was an extra thing, my wife. We went to the hospital, but we went to this extra thing.

That hospital is in Africa. So she- She's new ones, but you're gonna drive five hours to get to it. I'm sorry. You think Kaiser's bad here. You should go to her. My fucking 100 years old, making a Kaiser joke. And I'm going to have Kaiser. So I show up.

The girl comes in. She's fucking an 11. I mean, a fucking 11. I literally, the doula is fucking smoking hot. J-Lo hot. She's this light skinned black girl, and I'm like, a Cosby kid. Bad fucking reference.

Yeah. Not those Cosby. The ones from the show. So anyways, she comes in, she says, hello, she starts laying off, she takes a little baby out and a net and all the stuff and these charts and we're sitting at the table and she goes, okay, before we begin, I want to just And my wife went ah I just went oh my god

And then it takes special ladies to be married to us and my wife would have done the exact same fucking thing. Can I just jump in real quick? Please, yes, I had to go to be quick. Yeah, I had to go to a training and So I'm working I was supposed to take over my parents family business So I was working 75 hours a week doing stand-up and trying to sketch comedy. So I was fucking exhausted I used to fire people so we take over a Donald Trump. I was George exhausted. I used to fire people. So we take over. You were Donald Trump? I was George Clooney from up in the air. So I would take care of other people's problems. Wow. And so I fired over a thousand people easy and I'm driving around doing that, trying to manage both things and then I

have to do all this baby shit. So on Saturday, after I've done standup, I've got to go in the morning to this prep class where they had the fake baby. And they said, husband's, why don't you go and your massage your wife and all the good husbands that make me look better on their wife's shoulders, but I'm so fucking tired that I go, I'm gonna massage your feet.

So I go down and I lay and I start massaging my wife's feet and I fell asleep. And my wife in the class and everybody was shocked because they all say, and I start snoring, and my wife kicks me in the fucking head in the class. And I go, ah! Like, ah! And then they all just look at me like,

you fucking horrible horrible horrible man. Well, that's why I had the girl come to my house. That's much better. She got my, this is the fucking crazy part. How was this? This chick's smoking hot. My wife's in yoga pants. She's in yoga pants.

Greatest thing ever invented. She puts, she goes, okay, what you want to do when she's in labor, you want to massage her. So get her on all fours. She puts my wife on all fours on the couch. We have this little thing called the cutler. I bet you're at your place. It's not that little.

She gets beat. It's not me. Can we just have a bomb hat? Can we borrow your hat? Just throw it at him. That's the, there they go, that's you. Listen. So she gets behind my wife on her knees,

behind my wife on her knees, and she starts rubbing my wife's ass, kind of like opening it and closing it. And then I'm stating my wife, she goes, come over here and look, my wife is here, her face is, I'm just like right here near my dick. And I literally look at my wife, I'm like, should I take my dick out? Like, like, like, like, like,

am I fine guys, is this, like, I don't want to fuck this up, is this, is this why she was 300 bucks? It's like, I don't want to fuck this up. Is this why she was $300? It's like, is it? But, but the, but that's what she told, she said, when, when the water comes out, it's not water. It's like, pureell, by the way. It's, it's gooey.

It's thick. It's thick. It's not water. They should tell you, I wanted water when it was gooey and thick, I almost fucking threw up on my wife's face. And then they said you have to make sure there's no, it's not discolored, and it doesn't smell weird, right? Do you understand?

Yes. Do you remember that? Right. So what does it smell like? They give you an idea of what it smells like. It didn't smell like nothing. But I'm doing this, like looking for blood things or something like a f- penny.

I don't know what the fuck I was looking for. And then you have to go to the hospital. And then they tell us, yeah, go home. Go home. Well, I'm like, what? You go home, come back tomorrow at once. She's not ready yet. So we had to go back home, go to sleep with her water broken.

In my head, that's what the baby lives in. He's dying. Yeah. The baby's dying inside my wife. Like there's no water. It's on the floor. And then he's dying. And then we went back the next day.

And it was one of the craziest things ever, because I remember the fucking guy, the epidural guy came in, and then when he was leaving, my wife's tits hanging out, her vages out. She's like, ugh, like dying. And he goes, hey, comedy seller, I was like, really dude?

You fucking shitting me. I'm a fan. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend.

I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend.

I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a friend. I'm a was kidding it's for the act I saw a shit nugget And it fuck it fucked me up to this day. Yeah And it was a

nugget Like that big but a solid turd. It was solid turd. Yeah, it was yeah, she was she's very healthy It's better than flat just right. Why did you have wife shit? No, no, that's my shit, sir. Did you... No, they had a bad cut, my baby, out of my wife. Oh my God, yeah. Jesus Christ.

He was dying in there. So you had a... That's what they call it, yes. Yeah, cutting the mountain. Yes. Well, that's worse because they actually a little have to take her hole in testons out, put them on a table next door.

And I watched the whole thing. And as a horror movie guy, it was still too fucking gnarly. Like, I watch like Eli Roth movies and shit like that and fucking Spanish and Italian horror films. But this was like fucking bava and all that crazy shit but too much. That's too much.

And the beat, we asked for the Beatles to be playing. So. What are you fucking gnome? Just to ruin the Beatles for you? The band, I actually had the band the remaining members of the Beatles. No, no, but we were at, I put revolver on, why that album, I don't know, but it was my,

put that wherever you need to, man. So we had the Beatles play while I'm watching my wife get cut up and it was kind of gnarly. Did you videotape it? Yeah, no. Oh, what's that? There's fucking guys. Well, not to the real bird, but not that. I don't think too many dudes videotape the C-section.

I've been you sure? That legal? I don't know. I don't think that's the, yeah, thank God you didn't get a C-section, though. That would have fucked me up for life. That would have fucked me up for life. And now they actually have a little baby scar. But back in the day, they look like the bride of Frankenstein.

Like they just fucking cut him open. And it was terrible. As your son have buddies, yet do you have friends? And then the dads and moms associated with the kids. That's a little early. Well, he just got to preschool. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing it now. It's okay. Yeah. And this is very careful about who you give your phone number to So we met a lady at the park and that lady My wife said my wife is very very nice to a fault and she said let's do a play date

They seem to be getting along. Yeah, and that lady started calling it like 7 a.m And like calling every single day and my wife was trying to break up with this woman like calling every single day and my wife was trying to break up with this woman. But she couldn't because she just fucking kept calling and then we weren't answering and then we saw her at the park again and she lost her shit like a crazy ex-boyfriend so she was at the park going you're not returning my calls I don't know what I did and I don't know why you would do this to Ethan and Ethan's friend and they got along so well we were gonna go to the aquarium and then you never called me back and it was a fucking easy. I'm fucking scared right now.

Yeah, haven't you actually? What about- Hope she never cares if- What are people's sexualized? What are people's sexualized, baby? It's so weird when they're like- Yeah, he likes her. No, he's fucking too.

Shut up. I had a fucking, I had my friend- It's gonna fuck her on the slide. My kid is really good looking kid. This kid said to my kid, I just got a fucking shake that out of my head. He said to my kid, he goes, you do, your kid's fucking good looking, dude.

He's gonna get, he's gonna get, put his brain on him. No, he goes, then he goes, you better teach him now. I go, with what? How, what do we got to do? Like, nick lemons? No, little tikes, makes a... Mm-hmm.

No, little tikes, little tikes, little tikes, does my first pussy. Oh, okay. Oh, you're stuck in it. You're gonna rub the paper towel, the wet paper towel, till your finger goes through. You're gonna... the paper towel, the wet paper towel till your finger goes through. You're gonna keep all that plastic going.

Go for payphones and try to see if there's any change in there. I want to know about this guy. Does he sexualize other babies and be like, that baby's gonna get no pussy. You're a poor baby. baby's gonna get no pussy. You're poor baby. He's gonna try. He's gonna try. Are you worried because you think your baby's the one

who are getting no pussy? What? Mine? Well, he's my son. So, yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm real asshole. I'm, I mean, I'm, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, it. Like, I remember when this girl wanted me to pee on her. And I was on the phone with her, she's like, yeah, I want you to pee.

And I'm like, I don't know. Okay. And then, because I didn't know how I felt about that. And then my father called in, and I went over to the, and I was like, dad, this girl wants me to piss on her. I don't know how I feel. What should I do? He goes, well, you know, I wouldn't muster up a piss.

Wouldn't drink a gallon of water, but if I had a piss, fuck a piss on her. And I was like, what the fuck? That was so good of me. It was like right to the point. That made sense. Why were you having any doubts? Why were you...

Why would you piss on a girl? Why not? Because it's a human? But she wanted you to. Yeah, that doesn't, yeah, but that doesn't make me. I want girls to stick things in my butt, but if they don't, I'm not like, what are you an asshole? I get it. No, you wouldn't.

Yeah, why would you piss on a girl? Have you pissed on a girl? Yeah, let's ruin Arthur's career. Let's get out. Yeah, but he can say it's a tribal shit. But it doesn't. I can get my country. It means you're a woman.

Yes. I can always be like, now a woman. Yeah. I can always land, be like, now it means we are married. If I shitter on you, we are divorced. Well, from this is how we introduce each other. Let me piss on you. Go, but it doesn't.

You can do some weird shit with that fucking voice. Of course I can. How do you think I live my life? Just go around doing weird shit with this voice. Can you do that real quick just to take us through? Like you trying to piss on a girl with that voice? Can I be the girl? Confenser.

What? No. You want me to be the girl? Hey, hey, I thought you were real funny tonight. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Can I, you want to hang out?

Absolutely. You guys shouldn't fuck. We should, first of all, we should nacked. Yeah. The fuck? Speed it up. 22 minutes sitcom. May I?

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Uh, what would you like to do? I want, I'll just get some food. Absolutely, what would you like to do? I just get some food Absolutely, where do you want to go your house? Long away from pissing on someone In this scenario my steal in the middle Absolutely I'm I steal in the middle absolutely

Yeah, you're my girlfriend Gonna do this or what She clearly want you to use the voice I'm fucking trying to but he's worthy of shit Should I just be quiet and let this happen? I let this happen. I let this happen. I let this happen. I let this happen.

I let this happen. Why, you would, what's the weirdest you've ever done sexually? What? What? I want to know what everyone's career. I want to know the weirdest

you've ever done. No. All right. Because I'm not, I'm so not that guy. No, really, just sex. Yeah, yeah. Really?

Yeah. No, like the worst thing that ever happened to me is I came on a stripper and she got really mad And in a Russian accent demanded $300 Absolutely, she had no bargaining position at that point I'm gonna go back to my room and cry so here, yeah, I'll just walk with me to the ATM. I enjoyed our three-empty action a long time ago. Really? Why did you come on her? Like, did you just walk in and come on her?

Yeah, it was her build up. That'd be weird. I'd walk through it a bunch too. If you just walked into the podcast and gizzed on my knee, I'd be like, give me 300 bucks and a buck and beard out box you if you just walked into the podcast and gizmo My knee like give me 300 bucks in a box weirdo So you went to the strip you had you paid for some lab dances. Damn it you asked me You you paid for some lab dances. God damn it. You asked me

Life is totally normal, but that's the worst thing I could think of so okay But I've never done prostitutes or any of that shit never had a prostitute. No, you've never had a prostitute You never had a Strip clubs. Yeah, I'm not a fan of strip clubs really they're great here, right guys No, they're not they're right They're better than? They're great here, right, guys? No, they're not. They're right. They're better than you are. They're really good, right? Yeah, Montreal. Yeah, Montreal Buzzi too, because they fucking

put a bandana on the seat. The seats, I can sit on it, but it's too dirty for them. It's like, you just fucking showed me your asshole. Fucking Montreal. I don't like strip clubs this was Vegas and yeah Vegas is great. Yeah, they have the best slogan ever. I think it's called Desjavu the best slogan ever it was we have a hundred good-looking girls and one ugly one Swimming and that to the fucking slogan? If anyone ever gets a chance though, and Ted, please tell me one of you have been there.

Scarlet's in Miami is one of the best places on earth. Is it a strip club? Yeah, it's a huge one. And we go in, and there's just as many girls as there are guys in there, like Patreon. We go in with a couple of other comics. And we have a gizzoan one. Yeah.

There's two or so smoke machine and fucking then, there's just, you don't even see the giz coming. Really? Yeah. So they didn't even know where the show is. Everybody shows. From the show. It's fucking awesome.

And my gizzoaner, you know, I didn't have my dick out, you know. How did your gizzoaner with all your dick out? How's that happened? How do you jizz through so many times? Through the bottom of his pants. Yeah. You jizzed down your leg and you did this? Fucking spat out?

Was she across the line? No, you just get in the coke at the bar and you went, which is shot out of your boot? How do you jizz, no, I mean it wasn't it wasn't that much And then new she knew I did his honor just just in my own pants. Oh, and she You painted that is bullsh** Why weren't you guys with me in Vegas? Because you're coming on everybody. What a gyps ago.

What a guy. What a guy. Have you argued on your behalf? Do you like shrimp club? You've never with a prostitute. No. I think somebody's lying. No, I'm not lying.

I've been with a prostitute ever. My first prostitute ever. Petriso nail. You want your first prostitute ever? Yeah, Petriso's a prostitute. He wants me to prostitute. What Patrice O'Neil. Oh, you're one of the first prostitute ever? Yeah, Patrice was a prostitute. He wasn't a prostitute. Cost me 20 bucks.

When you guys went to Brazil. Easy, easy, easy. I heard something. We went to the motherland, but we're not going to get into that. I have a fucking kid, and I'm married, and I have to make sure dates are right when I tell that story. But it's all right to throw me under the bus coming out of Stryper.

Well, I didn't fucking shoot gizz out of my boot on somebody. That's... Patrice told me about Stryper's... I mean, Hooker's back in the Dan Boston and he was like, you know, that's a hooker, that. And I was like, really? And I... He taught me how to kind of work it. And I remember I won this competition called

the Boston Comedy Riot. And it was this big, big competition. And it was amazing. What amazing, but it wasn't. I'm a fucking addict. I needed more. I went down and I started looking at hookers for the first time ever.

And this older black woman Was walking across and I remember Patricia's like she's okay. She was older though. She had to be like Ford, Dish late 30s But attractive enough for you to be in her is like a Pam Greer. No, no more like I would say the mother on the Jefferson's More of a Marla Gibbs. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.

But I called her, my friend, I went in the back seat, we pulled around, I called her over, I go, how much? She goes, $20 for a blowjob. And I was like, I have $18.50. And she was like, she was like, mother fucka, get out, get in. And she got in the car, and I gave her the 18 dollars. She goes, where's the rest? I had to give her a quarter, two dimes in the nickel.

And one of the dimes fell on the floor, and she goes, get it, motherfucker. And I remember my friend was driving us, and she took my penis out, and I was just like this. And she took my penis out, put a rub on it, started blowing me. And I just remember my friend's eyes and the rear view mirror just...

Oh, it was just like God. I was looking at you. My friends, my friend, but whatever. Anyway, yeah. I needed support. Maybe if you had support, you wouldn't have gizzed on yourself. And I remember all of a sudden I look in the mirror and he goes, the cops and she hit the floor. She's like cops. I go to jail. You go to jail, motherfucker. I'm taking evidence of jail.

You better fucking slow down. And she goes, baby, get it to the edge, baby. Just get it to the edge. Mom was going to make you come. So I just started jerking off. I'm sitting there like this. Jerking off. And she's like, just get it to the edge, baby. Get it to the edge. And I jerked off. And then the cops took her right. She got back up and I had come. And she's like, what the fuck you come for, motherfucker? I said get it to the hedge, bitch. And she goes, let me out. And I heard her making, I'm sitting there with just come on a condom. And she got all the car. She goes, this motherfucker just came for 18 heard him making, I'm sitting there with just come on McCondom, and she got all the cars,

she goes, this motherfucker just came for 1850, jerked himself off in the back of the car. I was the best story ever. Yeah, but that's still a way better deal than what he got. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And at what point did you discover

that it was Paul Mooney? Like, God. Oh. yeah. And at what point did you discover that it was Paul Mooney? Like, uh... That would have been more than 1850. Yeah, I actually went to prostitutes. I mean, I've been with a few of them. I kind of, when I first moved to New York and I was lonely, I made love to a couple girls. Like, I kissed., I made love to a couple girls. Like I, like kissed.

Where are you, Dan? Yeah, I'm such a germaphobe and grossed out. Like I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, your cup, then I fucking get grossed out by that. I can't fucking. Yeah, you could imagine, a vagina with a bunch of other penises in it. Dix in it, and I have a horrible thing that I do at hotel rooms, and when I hit like- You kill hookers? I kill, yep. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck! And that fucks with me, and so I could never, like, instead of it, it's so dixin'

Ugh! Well, it's weird now because, like, I'm, I love being married, I love being with my wife, but sex is a, it goes, if, if, if I look, man, I know we're supposed to be like, it's awesome, and I fucking hate couples that are like, oh, we fuck, like four times a week we make love, and it's fun. And me and my wife fucked at the first time the night I before we came here. Like, I was literally itching, I was like, my balls are so itchy. And I, because I was working in the yard out there and had just itchy balls.

And I was gonna go to sleep and she goes, well, I was gonna fuck you, but now you have itchy balls. So I went and I showered, showered like a fucking kid who was told, you get a donut if you fucking take a bath. I ran back out and I'm sitting there and we fucked. And it was the first time in a long time. Like do you guys stuff a normal sex life? All our sex happens after showers.

Really? So you don't fuck dirty. But how long was it after you had a kid? Did you get back to sex? This is the most I've ever talked about any of this fucking ever. So fucking, why could W.Dude, man? And you know, I don't have, I'm adopted.

I have no kids. I don't really like to any of this. Just a sad, yeah, but it looks something you will, I didn't relate to any of this shit either. This will help you out someday. And then, and then, and then all of a sudden, one day you wake up, you're like, yeah, I want to fucking come in you. Oh, I can leave it. Yeah, it's called the pill. I don't, I've been coming to girls for a while now. Really? Yeah. Oh, I come right in. What's wrong with you? I'm a fucking I'm risky. I opened up risky. That's fucking retarded Truffle butter

I knew those gonna go on And your owl is gonna say that he fucking brought up true. You know a truffle butter is no Don't do it who knows if truffle butter is it'll ruin truffle butter for you come here come up here come up here stand up Turn to the crowd and tell them the dictionary definition like that Is it not when come comes out of the asshole and so shitty in? Well, that's not really the dictionary definition of it. Yeah, truffle butter like you're a spelling beach. Yeah truffle butter when I you're a spelling beach. Yeah. Truffle butter when... You want to repeat the word?

Truffle butter. Truffle butter. I believe it. It's when the ejaculate. That thing is jump seriously. From the anus. Yes. And there's brown and tone.

Deficit in it as well. Truffle butter. Yeah, it's a little bit. You're moving on. You're moving on. That is actually not as bad as the original. Yeah, it's way better than the original definition that you got.

Yeah, try being a foodie still. Enjoy your truffle butter. I like that. That's your way of turning the off of coming and goes you said you saw ass Shit fall out of your wife's ass when she gave her. Yeah, but it's different Do you also see a head come out of her vagina? Yeah, I'm terrifying no, but then you I like I have that in my act Do it like I say that you learn will start doing your act on the podcast. Well, no, but it's it's it's true that you you Learn what a vagina is it's it's it's true that you you learn what a vagina is. It's it's a

fucking door. I mean, it is. It's where all of a sudden the fucking head comes out of there, and it looks like you and you like the shit go the shit's like, oh my god, it goes away. And then you have to cut a cord and it's dude, I'm telling you, it tumbles real fast and thing you change. I used to throw up all the time. I don't, dude, I tell you, I don't puke anymore. I don't fucking throw up. A vagina is what you make of it.

I make it a well, not a door. That's my choice. A wishing well. A wishing well. A lot of people are agreeing with you. You're going to have kids someday, right? No. Really? Why?

Well, you have kids, you have to go back to Africa. Pretty much, yeah. I'm just a care of them. You must come back to your kiddo. Why do you mean you have to take care of them? You don't want kids? No. Really?

Did you have to want kids? I didn't. No, I was really actually anti until I met my wife. But, yeah. Was it her or was it you? No, we both kind of just matured. I mean, you guys did the thing where you had dogs and treated them like kids. Yeah, we did.

Oh, but you know that. I know everything. I did that. Keith Roberts said to me, when I had my kid, he goes, wait, wait, you have the kids, stupid. Your dogs are gonna become dogs, dumb, dumb. And I'm like, no, they're not. I love my fucking dogs.

He goes, yeah, fuck you. Six months after having the kid, he came up to me, he goes, hey, dummy, show me all the pictures of your dog on your phone. I had none. They're fucking dogs. Keith Roberts is a comedian in New York City. They're fucking dogs. He's probably the comedian in New York City. They know who he is. Well, I'm not

they don't put me. There's no Kevin Hart. Yeah, he's friends with him. If you ever meet Keith Robinson, if you like Kevin Hart, say thank you. Because he brought him from Philly. Yeah, I love having the kid now, but I am getting nervous that, because I have fucking anger issues, and I saw my kid the other day get mad for the first time and go,

eehh! And then he went, don! My wife's name is Don. Oh shit. Jesus. Oh shit. Yeah, and then he's fucking. You actually fucking do and then he kicked her right in the cut

Nice. I saw an awesome thing. My son was three years old and it was just me and another dad at the park and our two kids and his son was just a beast He was his name was Audi and he was what the fuck is his name? Audi? And he was, what the fuck is his name? Oddie. Oddie. Little, he was, yeah, like European, he was, and I was like, it's the car he was busy with. He did his dad's accent. Oddie, come here.

Yeah. Oddie. Oddie. I'm coming. So now he's just a huge fucker, and my kids is small, and my son is just happily playing with a shovel and a bucket. And so this oddie comes up and grabs the shovel and lifts my son up. So now my son's standing and won't let go of the shovel.

And I see my son have this moment where he looks at the little bucket in his hand and looks at the audio and fucking just Joe Pesci goes, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, GUN, gung, gung, gung, and smashes it against his fucking head until he lets go of the shovel and then Audi just runs away crying and my son just goes back to digging. Did this happen? Yes, this fucking happened. Yeah, and me and the other dad, Audi's dad just, he goes, I have to say my son, my son deserved that.

And we didn't need to be. My son is never hanging out with your son. He's 13 now, we're in a fucking cologne, so it doesn't matter, he can baby sit. Yeah, my kid, he, he, like walks up to other kids and hugs them. If that doesn't fucking warm your heart, you're fucking nuts. Sweet.

If you see two kids walk up and hold each other, I like to cry with that shit. And then your friend chimes in, hey, he's gonna fuck him. Ah! Well, he's gonna fuck you kids home over that other kid. Yeah, yeah.

He's gonna fuck him. I'm gonna get it. Fuck him by the slide. Look at that little mid-ass sound. Fuck him by the slide. So, now you've been pussy. You fucking kids buy. Oh, he's, he's gonna fuck this shit out of that little dude.

Mike, what's your kid's name? Lorenzo. No shit, right name. What's your kid's name? Rhodes. Rhodes? Yeah. Me and Dr. Dusty?

Tom Rhodes. No, my name. Randy. No, but the Tom Rhodes story is, I spell it different. Rhodes Rhodes yeah after dusty Tom Rose no my Randy no but the Tom Road story is I spell a different so it's Randy Rhodes our H.O.A.D.S. and Tom Rhodes a comedian old friend of mine one of my very old friend I run into Tom he goes uh I heard you had a kid man which, which, which kid's name, brother? And I go, uh, I go, it's Rhodes, and he goes, brother! And I go, no, but it's R-A-T-O-A-D-S, and he goes,

still. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha I Love him but I'm a name is my kid after him. That's so sweet. I my kid's name is Maximus Really? Yeah, but I learned that my baddie is fucking Lorenzo Maximus and Rhodes Yeah, it's like a fucking band right? Oh fucking Maximus But my I learned that my grandmother's a racist Because I said his name is Max and she's like no Because she's Irish Catholic old school. She was that's Jewish I it has to be a saint and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about Max is not Jewish

She goes that's a Jewish name. She's like 92 in a hospital. She goes, it has to be a saint, Peter, Paul, Joseph. And I was like, all right, fine. I just literally went on my phone and typed in St. Maximus, because there's a Saint Jew in the Catholic religion. That's where it got. That's where it got. St. Juniper.

I fucking said, there you go. St. Maximus. And I read it to her. She's like, well, I'm calling him Maximus. And I was like, you're a fucking racist. You're old school Irish Catholic, has to be a saint, motherfucker, and now she has dementia, so she doesn't even fucking remember this, but.

That's good. Yeah, she's a star. Well, it's weird too, because that's a joke. But that story is a good ending. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Wow, you're good though. That's a terrifying thing. You guys are kids. You can't take a good ending. Jesus Christ. Wow, what are you going to do?

That's a terrifying thing. You can't take a night off. Here she can. It's called a wife. Or a babysitter. Oh my God, my wife just hired her. Or I was a Toronto. I'm off right now. My wife just got a hot babysitter.

It's bad news. That's my type of porn. Huh? That's my porn that you're a poor babysitter. I I felt out my babysitter when I was 11 So you fucked what I felt out you jumped you made that story way more interesting She just let you yeah, she was her idea Really yeah, I think that was her way. I just like yeah, well she fine just feels you? Yeah, she was her idea. Oh, really? Yeah, I think that was her way. I just like, eh, what was she finding? She feels up, yeah, yeah. The way of what? What are you fucking talking about?

Keeping us in a trouble. It's too good, it's touchy. She was like 14? Is that you, is that you guys not having a TV or an internet? Go ahead and feel my tits, you guys. She went out of trouble. She actually wasn't even that much older She was 11 she was like 14 I went to high school with her afterwards

But Al's character and second characters my favorite She's H's horny and sena She marlin brand Marlin Brando babysitter go Marlon Brando, babysitter, go. Ah. I don't know. So she just let you grab her titty, that's it. Yeah, she's gonna go weird big pill, and then as long as she's feeling her own for a bit.

She gave you a pill. No, she took a big pill. Wait, what? She took a pill. I don't know what the thing. It was a really bad thriller, huh? I don't know, I was 11. Oh, that's pretty old.

I mean, I'll tell you what, if you're old enough to want to feel the babysitter, you're probably old enough to stay home alone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Eleven is kind of, I fucked for the, I fucked at ten.

It was my first fuck. Well, yeah, you did. What? Yeah, I should have gone. I had sex with this girl, Tani. We fucked in a bush. And my friend, Dickie and Scott were in the bushes kind of helping me. Like, dude, no, like this.

Because I was doing this circle thing and they kept popping out because I had a little Tony pecker at that point. And they were like, dude, like this. So I started doing that. And how old was she? She was 14. And I remember I had a- And she was just trying to keep you out of trouble.

Yeah, she was just- Don keep you out of trouble. Yeah, she's the one I'm starting to get. And this is why that guy thinks her kids would get so much pussy because at 10 you were fucking a girl in a bush. I wish I didn't though. It's a I really if I could go back in life and not do have that happen, that kind of fucked me up because it it just progressed everything too fast. So later in life, everything's short. A fucking girl on a bush is not a win.

What? I can't. Yeah, first, second, third base is bullshit. Yeah. I'm touching old shit. I'm feeling up. Jake's no fuck. What is that?

Weird shit. Yeah. I just stuck it in. Came're touching old food. Feeling up, chicks, no fuck, what is that? Weird shit. Yeah, I'll just stuck it in, came on my windbreaker. Ten years old? Ten years old, man. Did she demand $300? Yeah.

After which one of these callbacks are you gonna go all right? Thank you good night Ramos there These are some trying to bring it on Now you do the great job. We're all those there. Don't look at you watching motherfucker Fuckin you going Well, yeah, I know I was it. What did you have sex for the first time? 17 no shit. What about you? Yes, 17 32 Close enough 21 really stand up comedy gave me the confidence like I started standing before but before that

I know you know, there was no 17 garbage to like that is not, I probably couldn't even shouldn't even count it. What about you, rubby? 18. 18. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm a mighty and fucking 11. I had a real dry spell. Wow. I got a blow job at 14 while wearing roller blades. Nine and after that. What was his name? Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. I'll fuck all of you for giving him that much on a game joke. Sponsored Roller blades. Yeah. Fruit boots. What was your, what would you have sex with the first time? I was seven. No.

In my country. In my country. In my, it's what we do. I was 17 as well. 17. Wow, so I'm fucking different. Oh, very different. What did you think we all were going to fuck someone at 10 on this podcast?

I was hoping at least fucking 13. No, 14. 17, 7, 18. 18. 17. I didn't touch a poop till I was 15. Really? Wow.

Where was this? Isn't school? Was it here? No, no in Africa. Yeah, it's in Uganda Yeah, really yeah touch the boob very excited no shit. Yeah, I'm real one of those African. Yeah, I'm No, no free to range like a National Geographic I took that back. Yeah, I went like this. Shit, a neck, a neck bracelet on. He had to walk five miles to touch that. You had a cone on your dick. We would, we would, a house party.

And we would, I got nine more. You have to give your beads. I got to be honest, a to give your beats more racist. I got to be honest, the house party is not what I envisioned of this story. You were the house party? You were the UNICEF house party? Oh, fuck everyone too. That is terrible.

That is terrible. That is horrible. Rob Mayu. Rob Mayu. Rob Mayu. I like the beats because that reminds me of that. But yeah, with a house party and with dancing and I touched a boob and it was the most exciting day of my life.

Really? Did you go underneath? Oh yeah. Better than the day you got to Canada? No. Not even close. Not even close. Yeah. That's crazy. What was your first time like, Brad? The first actual... Well, I mean, I'd missed around before, but the actual act was a drunk girl at a comedy show.

No shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will you drunk? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you're both drunk? Yes, and then Brotterholm and played the first Guns and Roses record. Because that'll tell you around when it happened. It was in 1987, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. But 21. But it was like, I didn't have the confidence before that.

And then after that, a couple in a row. But yeah. Comedy does give you, like, I mean, there's no great looking comedians, really. I mean, we're all fucking. Anthony Jasselnik. There are not. He's unconventionally good looking looking Anthony's a good looking guy

Don't get me wrong, but he's his head's thin He's not Brad Pitt he's not he's not fucking Ryan Reynolds but for us For us He's a good looking guy, but we're mostly fucked up, but you know the confidence that we get from whatever you do see I know what you're talking about cuz like when you see hands in the middle of the guys show up in a comedy club, you like, yeah, there's no way. The fuck is this guy? Yeah, there's no way.

Oh, like Nick Thune, when I saw first son Nick Thune coming in L.A. I was like, what the fuck? You know what? I told him, yeah, thank God he grew the beard instead of look homeless because he is a fucking gourd. You're right. he's gorgeous, and funny. And he's a nice guy. Great guy, he's one of my favorite guys. Makes me shit.

Yeah, fuck Nick, dude. Yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck Nick, dude. Fuck Nick, dude. Fuck Nick, dude. Fuck Nick, dude. Fuck Nick, dude. Alright, listen, what are you up to? Name of the podcast.

I don't know if this is the end of the podcast. Alright, thank you. We have a name for the podcast. Fuck Nick, dude. Listen, Al, Brian, Arthur, Rob, you guys are the best. Thanks for coming on for the YKWP podcast. You guys, thank you so much for hanging out. We'll see you guys next time.

Have a good night. Take care. Yeah, I ask you a question, everybody. No, let me ask you. Are you getting enough? Plenty. Plenty. No, no. Is it okay? All right, so you're not.

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