Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Flying with Marty | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #69

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder discuss sad Macho Man, Spiderman spoilers, Zendaya, Boston Joe standing up for himself against a Delta pilot, is Marty the most obnoxious baby, plane stories, what’s worse: fart or sneeze, and more! Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital.  LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-regz/id1700969607 SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/ https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/ Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/ https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/ https://twitter.com/luisjgomez Joe List https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/ Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/  https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/  SPONSORS  Hims Trying to lose weight with the help of GLP-1s? Get personalized, affordable care that fits you at https://hims.com/theregz Ridge Get 10% Off your entire order & take advantage of Ridge’s Annual Sweepstakes by going to https://www.Ridge.com/REGZ #Ridgepod #sponsored Mint Mobile Get your wireless bill to $15/month! http://MintMobile.com/regz BodyBrain Coffee Use code REGZ20 to get 20% off https://www.BodyBrainCoffee.com/ GLDNew customers get 40% off with code REGZ at http://GLD.com CHAPTERS:00:00 - Sad Macho Man 7:22 - Pre-Spiderman Spoiler 12:13 - Spiderman Spoiler 14:18 - Post-Spiderman Spoiler 19:34 - Flying with Marty 56:12 - Luis vs Indians 1:05:02 - Joe’s text to Luis 1:13:34 - Tropical James 1:16:41 - Bobby saves Max 1:18:42 - Joe Story Recap 1:23:35 - Producer TopicsCHAPTERS:00:00 - Sad Macho Man 7:22 - Pre-Spiderman Spoiler 12:13 - Spiderman Spoiler 14:18 - Post-Spiderman Spoiler 19:34 - Flying with Marty 56:12 - Luis vs Indians 1:05:02 - Joe’s text to Luis 1:13:34 - Tropical James 1:16:41 - Bobby saves Max 1:18:42 - Joe Story Recap 1:23:35 - Producer Topics Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Fill her up. Tell me when we're ready. Pull our pants down in the fall. We're ready. Everybody. We're back. We're back. We're back.

We're back. It's the Regs with a Z. And we're doing another show. We got Joe List. We got Dan Soda. Lewis. Jay Gomez and Robert Kelly. She.

What's up, boys? Joe got that thick, thick on. Joe and Lewis are getting hot. We're dieting. They're getting hot and they're going to talk about how hot they're going to get. Damn, your arm is. They're going to get hot just in time for hoodie season. Fucking idiots.

I really did it. I did it opposite. I just was fat right up until I had to put on thick clothing to not show anything off. But I, no, I'm Skankfest. I was the fattest I was the fattest I ever was at Skankfest. Yep. I'm fighting CJ Bishop at Skangfest. I'm going to be fucking shredded at Skangfest.

Completely sober. Completely sober again. Three days into a fucking fast right now, 84 hour fast. I'm fucking fired. on all cylinders. I almost pass out sparring this morning, but that's okay. You're not supposed to work out like that.

Lewis fat doing his skate, because he always gets in shape for Skang Fest. This last year was the last year. Watching him painted as a fucking Papa Shango, but he's sloppy. Well, Papa Shango was a little chunky, I would say. Just the year.

That guy. Papa Shango had a pop belly. Bring it up. I don't think he did. A pop belly? A poppa, papa. Whatever, you're fucking nerd. Not fat.

Papa. Here's the truth. If we saw Papa Shango at the beach with a shirt off, you would go, that guy's a pretty scary big dude. But for like, he wasn't a spelt wrestler. It was kind of a rounded. Yeah, no, he's bulky.

Yeah. He was a repo man, right? No, he was. No, that was smash. He was the godfather and he was the comma, the father machine. That's you. Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying, dude. Okay, I was wrong.

I was wrong. He's a little sloppy. I thought that was Lewis. That was actually the worst shape he's ever been in. He's in Lewis at Skangfish shape. Right there, dude. Look at it looks like me. Yeah, that really, you really nailed it.

It literally looks like my, face under the makeup. I literally said that 30 seconds ago. Yeah. You two fucking twats talked over it. And then where's Bobby? I'm right here. Fucking loser.

Oh, you're here. Fuck off. What's up with that? Daddy. Dan's the only one with bitch-ass arms, dude. I'm fine with it. I'll fold the laundry. Hand's wrists and his biceps are the same size.

Damn, dude. Katie takes you in her arms. I have fucking T-1,000 arms, dude. I'll fucking cut through your milk. No bomb. No bomb. Buddy, I liked it. Where is the bomb, Dan?

Right. It's under Bobby's. Waiting for you. You have your fucking hand on the trigger. I got it right here, baby. He's like Rocky and Rocky 3, but Apollo's fighting at the beginning. To the damn town.

It was Rocky 4. It's Rocky 4. Don't you ever. Don't you ever get a Rocky reference wrong? Whoa. What's wrong with you, dude? Why are you getting a hot? Why are you getting hot?

I'm fat, dude. I weighed myself. 194. I was down in Key West, and Alvin David, Alvin David, he's down like 60 pounds. Good,

and my wife, the main reason is my wife. She got a trainer guy that she met online. Oh, yeah. That's you fucking idiot. You idiot. I'm all a Tristan mingle.

Yeah, that's funny. Wow. Oh, he already has it. It took me a while. I had to translate it in my own brain. I like it. as a trainer. She's lost eight pounds. Does anybody want an ultra?

Eight pounds? Ultra what? Interruption? Whoa. That was a weird time to offer an ultra to the group in the middle of a sentence. Because they're our sponsor as well. Anyways, my wife's getting fit and hot, and then Alvin David's lost like 60 pounds. And my style with things is I like to bottom out.

You like to be a bottom. Yeah, you like to be a bottom. I like to be a bottom. You like to be a bottom. I like come on my back. Yeah, I like to make a comeback. So I was at $195. I can't go over $200.

And I'm 44 years old. I'm eating Oreos every day. I'm eating brownies every night. You show up every night. If I eat the amount of cookies you have just on this show me, I would be 500 fucking pounds. No, dude. This is me. When you go off diet?

When you go off diet, dude, I've lived it for a week. We shot 1,000 hours of footage. Yeah. You are fat. I didn't deny being fat. Fepa, was I eating as many cookies as Joe is? No. Joe does eat like Will Ferrell and Elf.

Yeah, dude. Where it's all sugary-based. Spaghetti with syrup. So Al's cut. My wife's cut. And I said, that's it. No, you're not. He is cut.

My father was cut. Cut this motherfucker right here. Cut this whole joke. Cut this whole bit. Can we start off? Why did you have, you let her hire a trainer? That's like how you get cheated on. Why not?

You think Sarah's going to cheat on him? Yes. He lives in England Oh even harder dude Oh if I could fly over there And give you what your husband can't I'll give you the old In-Out and out you know

I'd come over there and roger you Until the morning Do you feel Randy Sarah Do I make you horny Do you want me to pull back my full skin? Don't say Randy We'll have Savage the whole episode You'd pray for that

You'd imagine Randy Savage was fucking Sarah Behind Joe's back He'd go I'm sad. It's as low. Not even doing macho man. I don't like breaking up. I just feel like I've

macho and a two. I'm sleepy. Joe's a good kid. You're sure you're going to leave him. Oh, yeah. Just for me. Lewis tries to do the impression. I do.

I do I would say a decent macho man. Give us a real macho man. Give it to a sad macho where we were. Yeah, sad macho. Playing that. I think that Joe's a really good guy. Yeah. That's just his voice.

You know. Don't let them, don't let them dig back. I'm sorry. You do the best one and, you know, I do a serve or something. Well, let me try it for the second best. Please. Oh, yeah. The cream's got to rise to the top.

You dig it. His mouth can't open enough. Cop. Yeah, you were doing this thing where you're like trying to like do like a ventriloquist. Why was your impression through purse-slips? Because he talked. like this, you see. I kind of can think Joe might be.

Oh, yeah. We might have stumbled into a talent that Joe doesn't know or he could be a ventriloquist. Impressionist, ventriloquist. He throws impressions. I'll buy you little dog. I'll buy you little puppets. He throws okay impressions to a doll.

Coming down the aisle. Oh, my God. He doesn't move. From Hollywood, California. It was right in front of our faces this entire good time. He's built to be a ventriloquist. I think the peas are tough. Yeah, he's going to get you.

Peter, Peter Parker saw it last night. What did you think is Spider-Man? Great. Punisher shows that. There's an evil moment. I don't want to spoil anything. Spoil it. Spoil it.

I don't want to get it. Fuck those nerds. People are going to be so bad. No cares. Spoil alert coming right now. All right, yeah. Spoiler alert in the new Spider-Man movie. A big moment that I'm about to spoil.

And massive moment. Fast forward to be. Fast forward. And we'll put it in the marks or in the notes where the split starts to spoil. What? The spoil the shit. No. I got to know when somebody spoiled.

They, I said, I'm going to see the movie with my son last night. I know you fucking talk. I'll wait. Go ahead. Who wants an ultra? Fucking kid just yaps over you. But what do you?

Says the guy who offered an ultra in the middle of a fucking sentence one minute ago. Ultra is a good. With new flavors. Yeah, maybe stop taking so many new tropics, your fucking body brain headache. Jesus Christ. Just threw body brain in your piece of shit. Oh, great. What an asshole.

Skankfest doc. This is like what we talk. talk about on the Soder podcast. And at Dantzoder.com. I wish I was wearing my true classic t-shirt. I would say, you know, just go subscribe at punchup. Dot Live slash Dan Soder. The people that care about the spoil have already seen it the first day.

The people that are seeing it in a week from now. The reason I cut you up because I'm going to make a retarded sentence. Well, Bobby. Let me make a retarded sentence and live with it. I don't need the teachings of you. So just shut your face. Those are lyrics. It was pretty good.

I don't need the teaching The teaching Now imagine macho man was like Medium energy And he said that The teachings of you Yo Come down here and do the teaching

Ah, little puppet Where's the puppet? Don't try to teach me the teaching I need a macho man puppet Sometimes people are busy And they can't go see Spocker Yeah But who cares about those people

Can I say what I was going to respond to you with them? I am one of them So I saw it last night That was Tuesday You came out Friday Tuesday's the story's Patreon Biggest weekend, opening weekend of any movie in the history of the world.

Is that true? Yes, over a billion dollars. In the history of the world? Over everything? They're trying to go nuts for it? Over everything? Everything? Bigger than E.T., bigger than The Avengers, bigger than Endgame,

bigger than all, like, the biggest opening weekend. Look it up. I don't think E.T. was one of the biggest. E.T. at the time was the biggest opening weekend. Titanic was the biggest. E.T. No, ETT came about 20 years before Titanic. Damn. 360 million.

Wow. I thought they did a billion. Worldwide they did a billion. That's where they get it. No, it is. It's the biggest domestic and the biggest, worldwide, I see, is Avengers still. Yeah, worldwide.

Okay. Well, whatever. It doesn't matter. It's biggest thing ever. They did a billion fucking dollars. So, spoiler, right now, say, spoiler in the notes, so people could skip past the spoiler. Spoiler, Spider-Man.

I saw it, it came out on Friday. You're a pussy, Spider-Man. I saw it last night. A buddy of mine texted. me a spoiler to be funny. Great. I literally, I was like, I'm waiting six months to watch this my kid. I was like, I want to be excited with my son.

We're like, legit, we're going to the movies at 11 o'clock at night. We're fucking like, now I know the big thing, you fucking. And he's like, dude, I'm kidding. And then he started naming a bunch of other things, but he did spoil it. He saw how mad I got. Oh, so he tried to pull it back going. He did. But I didn't expect it. Once he started saying, he was like, dude, I would never spoil a movie. He was like, I'm not an asshole.

Then I was spoiled. And I was like, I'm glad he said that because it did still surprise me. Okay, good. Regardless. Confused. That's like an SAT question. Did he spoil it or not? Plus the movie. I don't get it. His friend tells me leaving Chicago at 8.A.

Remember when Keith used to bring us all to the Avengers or Star Wars? He would buy 40 tickets and invite all comments. We went to see the Star Wars when Hans Solo came back. Oh, yeah. And as we were walking out, there was another show right after us. And there was a guy with a C3PO and another guy with the R2G2 custom hat they made. They literally lit up and had little things on it. As we're walking by, he went, God damn it, they killed Hans Solo.

And you heard the two guys goes, no. I heard the story, like third hand. That's, and then there. So, was Big Jay there? You heard, you heard the thing go, beep, bo, bo, bo. Oh, funny. Spoilers can be fun. That's all I'm saying.

Yes, they can be funny. Do you see, like, Christmas time? It'll be like, they do this on video. It would be like a TikTok. There'd be a bunch of kids online for Santa. It's going to be like, it's really crazy. And everyone's like, what? And then fathers try to beat them up.

It's crazy. It's funny. in its own right, but... Yeah, but they're doing it for the clicks, not doing it for the bugs to the mall, not for the love of it. So, yes, I was annoyed last night and had the whole movie been spoiled

three days before I went to go see it, that's crazy. It was also, every showing was sold out last night. We got the last two tickets at an 11 o'clock showing last night. Wow. It was crazy. Like, the amount of people, like,

the theater, it started 25 minutes late because there was so many people in the theater that they had to turn the theater over. Oh, I thought you went to a Magic Johnson theater. So... Hey. The spoiler, which is coming now, which was one of the most brutal...

We're about to birth the spoiler. Hold on, because people are going to keep fast forward. They're going to fast up the whole episode. Give us the spoiler now. All right, spoiler now. It's the big villain. Yeah. Is Queen Latifah.

Gene Gray. Oh. The X-Men. Okay, she's as Phoenix. Which one? She's... Which Gene Gray? Gene Gray is part of the X-Bron.

I know, but which one? They had two different ones. Remember they had... Oh, the older one from the original. The Redhead from Game of Thrones. And then then they had the... hot original one. No, we're not talking about the actor. We're talking about the character. It's a completely new

character, teenage. Yeah, I know. Before she goes to Professor X's... Oh, really? They find her. Yeah, yeah, and she's fucked up. Like, she looks like she's going to be the villain. And then she... So the whole thing and Spider-Rond where it left off was he had to erase the memory of himself

with MJ, his best friend, and Aunt May died, and he's like, I've got to protect these people. They can't even remember me. I remember that was in the multiverse one, right? Yeah, yeah. So then he fucked in, so the whole thing that Gene Gregg could do, she could, like, possess people's minds, essentially, right? Oh, I'm fucking jacking it.

Professor X is jacking it. So finally, he, uh, he... Dean Gray, stop that. He goes and he saves MJ, which was in the chick from Zendaya. Before Zendaya. Right? And then she's like, she's like, what's going on? And then she pulls up his mask a little bit,

and she's supposed to forget him, and she goes, Peter. And he's like, you remember me? And then they start kissing. And then she pulls back, and she's like, I remember exactly what she said? She's like, stupid. fuck. This isn't really, is it really?

I'm Gene Gray. Dude, it hit so hard. Like, it was like, God, it was one of the most evil, like, only a woman.

It's not even a super villain. That's like a woman fucking, like, I'm going to literally crush your fucking soul right now. All these men are walking out going, she's fucking horrors. They break your fucking heart.

It was crazy. Dude, it was so good. Mine possess you. How was the punisher, but not swearing. He swore. Oh, he did swear.

Yeah. Oh, I thought, George last kill. I thought they cleaned him up. They cleaned him up. Hey, buddy. But no, he was good, though. He was really good.

John Bernthal was awesome. Yeah, he was awesome. So we're back now. Yeah, we're back. We're back in. Wow. I'm going to go see it still. I can't believe it wasn't.

No, I'm kidding. How funny would that be if the guy did the nerds did pause it? And as soon as he came back, we revealed it again. Like, oh, come on. It was fucking. James loved it. This comes out next week. So more people have seen it.

More people have seen it. It's fine. How were the end credits? It was one post. credit. Very, very, very, very end. Like, after the credits, like Sony pictures, Columbia, screen goes black, you're like, what? People were going, what? There's no, and then it came on. Was it good? Because they know how to fuck with you. It was okay. I'm never wholly impressed with the post credit scenes. So this is the fourth installment of a new Spider-Man? Yeah. Spider-Man.

This is a new Spider-Man. Tom Holland. Spider-Man they've had for three of them. I would say he is the Spider-Man. I think he's the best one. I'm like so out of the... It's the third installment. Fourth. Who was the first one? It was Toby McGuire. No, no, no, no. You're misconfusing what he's saying.

It's the fourth movie of the new reboot. Not Toby Guards. This is the third Spider-Man in a major move. Yeah. Yeah, this is Tom Holland. But he, to me, it's like James Bond. It's like how Sean Connery's the definitive James Bond. I think Tom Holland's the definitive Spider-Man.

He does it the best. He comes off as, like, boyish. Andrew Garfield was like a fucking, like an emo skater. Toby McGuire was a bitch. Yeah, Toby McGuire, like, he was right up. It's like 35. already when he started to take it on the character i did like it the first one was great with i auditioned for the first bite you did it was in LA one of the Norton got i went in for uh

i went in for norton was in it yeah yeah he stinks that i don't like them yeah yeah stinks and we don't like the the idea i did i went in for the first you look like the fucking bad guy i went in for the fucking um a superhero and then the lady looked at me and she went hey read for this and it was the no bobby they offered you a soup or a hero soup or hero I liked it. It was clever. That's like second. They giggled.

They giggled. They giggled that shiny shit. Okay, that doesn't matter. Throw your keys against the wall. They never counted giggling. Here's the thing. I liked it, but it didn't hit. It was one of those.

It didn't hit, but it didn't bomb. It was giggled. Here's why he didn't hit. Because he was so excited he got. I was really excited. It was too soup or hero. Yeah, he goes, here's the day. I auditioned for the wrestling manager guy that runs in.

Oh, Bruce Campbell? Yeah. Yeah. But that, I mean, Bruce Campbell. No, no, no, no. The guy he, the guy who didn't give him the money who didn't pay him. Oh, that's a, is the Bruce Campbell. I don't know.

Bruce Campbell was the, because he, oh, he was the announcer. Maybe it was the guy who tripped him or robbed him. I don't know. It was one of that scene. Bobby, in your largest stage, you look like fucking, um, what's the name? Kingpin. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

You get some help from, you had to get help on that one. You could do, you could do fist. I was trying to actually get to the actual sentence. It wasn't just a ball bust. so maybe they could pull up a picture of Kingpin. Vincent Donofrio was an awesome kingpin in Daredevil. Oh, yeah, yeah, he was good. He was good. He was good. He was the best Kingpin.

Who was the better than him? Michael Clark Duncan? No, no good. He sucked. And he always sounded like he was fucking had food in his mouth. Michael Clark Duncan played Kingpin? Yeah, and Daredevil, the movie with Ben Affleck. Yeah. Is he black?

Yeah. Did a black kingpin? Sure is. No, I don't want Vincent DeNofrio's Kingpin. I wanted the one from the fucking Spider-Man cartoon where he's huge in fat and it's funny, dude. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. A felt pen. A black magic marker.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I can see it. That's what Bobby looks like. He's like, dude, I got my fucking pain. It was so anticlimactic. That's crazy, dude. We have five producers here. I mean, just obviously, what we're doing is the bit. You're right? You're right, dude? You're going to take it from one?

Three days and no weed, dude. That's what it is. But can I say, that was a killer eight years ago, Zing? Hey, now that Bobby's moved on and is now somewhat muscular. Somewhat? He's jacked, doggy. You're trying to fuck him. Somewhat.

Jacked is a crazy word to call anybody in this room. Jacked is crazy. Are you kidding me? Paco is the most jacked and Paco's a little chubby right now. What are you talking about? Paco is not. Jack. He's mushy fucking Filipino right now.

Jack doesn't mean fitness. It means like Jack. Look at him. He's huge. What? Look at him. He's like gas. Joe's trying to convince us that he's also jacked.

You know, in this world, you'd say I'm pretty jacked. I'm fit. Yeah, Joe's up to something. You're Jack. What are you concocting? I would love to take these comments on him. He's up to something. What is this fucking little fucking...

Rob he's doing this with the compliments and checking him. He goes, these fucking... These aren't real. All right, get, do the misdirection you're about to do. Yeah, sure. He's Jacked. Okay. I guess I don't know what Jacked is.

He's flap jacked. He's not. about it too long. I'm going to tell you right now can I tell you it was just in the oven too long? It was just in the oven too long and overbaked. Yeah. I think they're coming in too quick and he's just shy. I'm getting excited. My timing is a little off. I haven't smoked

weed in three days. I need to slow down. Yeah, you're going like, you're getting turbulence. Project! You go, I was going to spoil Spider-Man again. I was just going to say but I don't want to do that to the viewers at home. You brought up a really good topic in personal life. Do you want to bring it up on the show? You're the only

person that knows about this. This is crazy. I'm, look, I was, I, you got really mad at me? You got mad at me. Not mad at you, but you didn't give me what I wanted. Okay, don't, don't give them any more spoilers because I want their opinions on how they would handle it, how you actually handed it versus what I said to you and how I would handle it. Oh, this is great. You don't even know the full story. I don't know the full story.

This is, guys, this is a juicy one. This is, I don't hear that they talk off the show. One of the juiciest. I talked to all of you guys off the show. We're all close friends. You have no idea. And I pitch you against each other, secretly. No, we know.

Bobby, you talk about that? Behind my back, like, we're going to be. We're going to hear some shit that I know. I ain't true. I'm like, dude, I'm at the fucking lake at the mini house. It's not true. And I go, all right, I'll call you right back. I love you.

Here's what happened. I'll paint the whole picture. Paint it. Down in Key West for the Tom Dustin wedding, which was amazing. We could talk about that also. Beautiful. There's no direct flights because it's summertime.

So, it's fly to Atlanta, lay over in Atlanta, then head to New York. It's a long travel day. I have an almost three-year-old. He'll be three, and I get it. I'm setting up the story. There's a lot of people that don't like Joe and they don't listen to what he says very often,

so now he's setting the table for those people. Context. I apologize. I can't do context. I'm just afraid of touching my eye. I like the glasses and I'm sticking with him. Wow. Wow.

Can I say? Lewis liked it. I stopped myself from laughing. I didn't laugh, though. So is that a bomb? I saw it. I saw Lewis go, oh, I love this. You guys hold it up like gang members in a truce.

Hold it together. You guys are right. You guys fucking have to hold that shit. I liked it. I mean, he liked it. I did suppress my laugh. Okay, long day, three-year-old, my life's so tough. Two long flights.

I'm not saying my life's tough. That's not at all what I'm saying. No, we get it. You're like a coal miner in West Virginia. Oh, my God. You got to go down to Key West. Oh, you got what do you fly Delta? Comfort Plus.

Beautiful son. Didn't think I could have one. Painting a picture. I'm not, this is not me saying my lady. I'm making a watercolor. Let's go. You're mistaking me for you. All right, good.

So, we got a. We get on the second. Do like a paint-by-numbers version. Now it's our second flight. The baby napped the whole flight. So he's a tad rambunctious. Now, by the way, Joe, you never said that the baby was a tad rambunctious in your message.

Well, I'll tell you exactly what's doing. I'm going to act like I haven't heard this story. I'm going to tell you exactly what happened. You don't know most of the story. Whoa. So normally, almost always I sit with it. Don't tell me I don't know most of the story.

Yeah. You can't tell a story. I know. He's all whipped up. Don't worry about it. He hasn't had weed. Bits, dude. It's good. You can't tell a story. We're here. Not even where about it. Let him tell his fucking story.

Hey, we're here. You get all fucking bent when we interrupt you between your story. Let him tell us a story. It's been true for 15 years. Can I tell you where I'm out of the story? You're flying back to New York after an Atlanta flight that Marty has slept on most of? Yes. A little cranky.

A little cranky. All right, go ahead. Normally. Where you say rambunctious to show me what he's doing. I haven't got there yet. So normally. you try to have all three of us seated together so that you have both of us

but almost always this is actually the only flight he's with his mother, I'm sitting behind him, I'm in the middle seat well he's with her and the British trainer it's not worth it it's not even worth it. Tell the story dude it's fucking I'm in! You're behind them. You're behind them. We should be riffing

come on, let's go, just fine. You got it. This isn't Tuesdays with stories. We haven't even gotten to any point of the story yet. Okay, all right, fine. All right, have of this. Saut o'clock, you have one minute uninterrupted, and then we could riff as much as we want. And then the riffs come after. Okay, fine. One minute? One minute.

You got to be three minutes. Just tell the story. Three minutes of uninterrupted, Joe. What is this? Three minutes. There's four of us on the podcast. Joe. Joe, you got it.

Go ahead. Real quick, though. Ultra has a little cap on the top that you can put the old ultras in. We have a one minute timer, and go. I'm sitting in the middle row 11. My son is sitting middle row 10. My wife is on the aisle row 10. a pilot deadheading,

a big fat fucking fucking asshole pilot takes the window. First of all, you're leading the witness, I lean in, I go, Marty, the pilot's sitting next to you. He doesn't go, oh, hi, hello, no acknowledgement, doesn't participate with this.

I'm not the fucking pilot. The pilot's flying the plane, dumbass. He sits down. Now, the first 50 minutes of the flight, my son is silent. He's watching fucking Bluey, whatever, dead silent. A short flight.

About 40 minutes left in the flight. Sarah gave that trainer a bluey as well. He starts to just talk, a two-year-old talking. Mommy, what's that thing? What's this thing? What's that thing? Whoa. Oh, Robin Williams.

Oh, hey. Oh, look at this. It's a, oh, it's a table, but it's a table in a chair. What is this? At no point does he cry, yell, scream, shit, kick a seat. Better than I am, the plane. Touch the guy next to him.

Yeah. He's just talking, like a two and a half year. He's turning. He's doing in between the seats. He's going, Daddy, Daddy, can I sit with you? Well, not right now. I'm in the middle. A couple more minutes.

The guy, and I can see him because I'm in the middle, is doing this. He's annoyed. He's staring at my son. He's huffing. He's huffing and puffing and puffing. I didn't realize it was huffing and puffing, by the way. We told me the story. Looking at my kid.

Over, every time he says something. Well, he's over. He's over. He's over. He's over. He has headphones and puffing. Maybe you should put your headphones on so you stop doing... Looks over.

He just keeps looking at my kid and doing like a... And my son is... Now, I'm not going to say it's not annoying to have a talking two-year-old. But again, he's never... It's so funny because you didn't express this to me at all in the story. I'll read the text so we can all... Read the text so you see what I got because... I mean, right now, I would tell you right now,

if some guy was huffing and puffing at my kid, it would immediately turn into, hey, huff and puff and puffing at my kid one more time. I'm going to fucking murder you on this fucking fight. You fucking piece of shit. I would never sit my kid next to a guy. I would sit next to the guy. My kid sits in the aisle.

I wouldn't try to save money by getting like a middle seat behind my family. I wouldn't have done. Neither here nor there. I would know. No strange guy is sitting next to my kid. Ever. Having on the aisle is tough because the fucking thing comes by. The food truck, the car truck.

Well, you could be on the aisle. Did you ask the guy? Did you say, hey, bro, can I sit there? It's my family? Well, that's crazy. It's a middle for a window you can't. If I was a little for a window. I was in an aisle or window.

We would have done that. The reason we didn't do it was because I was in a window and I'm a very courteous person. So he's doing this. Sarah texts me on the flight and goes, this pilot hates us. I go, I know, I'm here for it. Because I'm enjoying, at this point, I'm enjoying it.

You're kind of watching. I'm loving it. Does he knows you, he knows you, he knows you, he knows you, he should know I'm the dad because when he walks on, he said, hey, here's the pilot. Yeah. So he's doing a big huffy, puffy, show of things. And it's driving me nuts,

but also I'm kind of enjoying it because my son is not doing anything. and my thing is, what are we supposed to do? Hold his mouth. He's not yelling at all. He's not crying. He doesn't, again, he's not kicking or touching the guy. He's just a two-year-old talking. He's just trying to podcast with a pilot.

Which I fully admit is annoying. If I was on a flight, I would rather not have a two-year-old talking next to me. A cute two-year-old, literally, it might. There's nothing more adorable. It's so fun. Than a two-to-four-year-old baby. All you have to do. They're so cute, you go high-five them and you go, what are you doing?

And the second you make, I got the second you make, I got the one. I don't know. The thing with kids, they'll never stop. Sure. So when you do like the little thing and it's cute and then 10 minutes and then they can't. That's usually when the parents are they get the hint. They get the hint. Once you start ignoring them, eventually they get tired.

But may I add, we, and this is true. I'm not just, we fly with fly flown 50 times, literally. We've never had a flight where someone didn't say that's the best flyer I've ever seen. He's so good. He's so well-behavior. What? You're talking directly out of your microphone. Out of my microphone.

Yeah, put your headphones on. know that you're not talking into the microphone. Okay, great. Everybody happier now? I mean, we just want the shoot to be recorded. You just want the audience to enjoy it. Oh, okay. You're really being a pilot next to a baby. I do. Many, many podcasts, we don't

wear headphones. Well, you're a pilot next to a baby right now. You're being mean. You are talking out. You're doing this. Well, we have audio people. Do we not? No, we don't. What are they going to do? There's no creative. We have autistic people. Do you think we got a floater? Walking around with a boom mic? Yeah, dude. You think they're fucking checking

the levels right now. Anyways. We've been pinned for five. Yeah, they're looking for an old picture of Kingpin right now. 20 minutes after the fact. So the flight lands. Yeah.

Are you preparing what you're going to say the whole time? Have you thought you're going to say something? No. No, because at this point, I'm just, I think he's like retarded and obviously doesn't have children and he's probably going through something.

He's fat. There's something about, the other side of his, as I've gotten older, sometimes you have to reflect and go, what is this person going through? That a cute baby is annoying them so much? Because it could be he's a... Oh, and he's trying to fight the urge to fuck Joe's kid.

Yeah, that wasn't him huffing and puffing him. That was him fucking restraining himself. Oh, God. And he's doing the thing where he's... Talking behind him. I love to me. Oh, fuck, I'm so next to it. It's like being next to a freshly cooked steak.

Oh, he's not touching... Thank God he's not touching me where it explode. You think he was just fighting desire? Yeah, that's it's all about it. Fighting it off, dude. He goes, ooh, if this kid makes eye contact with a little bust in the... This is the best baby I've ever seen on a plane. He loved your baby.

He goes, I'm a pilot and he's a good flyer. Have you heard Maddie Wiener's bit about the pedophiles with the smiley face on the photos? No. It's one of the best bits I've ever heard. You brought up Maddie Wiener on the show maybe five times. She's great. Do you know the bit? I'll just do a quick version of the bit.

The bit is about how people put the smiley face over their kid's face on Instagram. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're covering the face, but you're leaving the body. That's what the pedophile is into. It's probably like sweet. A smiling baby, I never get to see this. It's really funny. It's like one of the best bits I've ever heard. That's really... That's a great bit,

dude. No, she's amazing. She's shooting a special a couple weeks actually at the Village Underground. It's dumb to do with it. No, don't edit. Go watch Maddie Weiner record. Dude, she's great. Go watch her... It's got to be huge. You might need her help someday. Yeah, for real. Go watch your tape her special at the Village Underground. Hey, folks. If you've got

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So we land. And so my other thing is just at what point? you're going to accept that there's a kid chatting next to you. Like at some point you just have to be like, oh, like every time my kid says something, he does like a... You can't even do that if there's a baby crying.

What is wrong with you? Here's the thing. If there's a baby crying and the parents are black and they're not saying anything to the baby, you have a right to huff and puff. If the parents are black? Well, technically,

that's the only people who don't try to control their screaming babies on a flight is really what I'm getting at. I think this is the place for the edit. I the baby crying even when it's right behind you the only thing you can do is wince like it's hard rain Yeah but when you have it goes like When you have a kid and you hear a baby crying

You start laughing yeah Because you're like I remember I remember that shit Yeah Because their ears literally are imploding Yeah and they don't know what the fuck it is I mean I had a bit about that I was like you never think the parents are stoked That the kid's crying like they're like this fucking kid screams

Yeah it sucks when you kid cry Yeah I bet I always felt like, because you know what happened? Whenever there was a screaming baby on a plane, I would look to the parents and one of them would always be like, oh, fuck. Yeah. And you're like, what are you going to be?

They're not like looking at you like, fucking. You have to think of all the stuff they had to pack, all the shit they got through security. Go through security with people with kids and you go, fuck. Oh, the bullshit. I used to put a megaphone to James's crying mouth by Jimmy Hart. Come on, baby. Come on, land this plane, baby.

We're almost there, baby. I go, why is that kid dressed in a whole suit? with hearts on it. Come on, baby! Why does he have Hulk Hogan on his back? What is he? Airbrushed whole Kogan on his life. So you didn't say anything to do?

Did you get him any looks? No, so I'm behind him. Oh, he doesn't even know him behind there. So, and I, again, I'm not like, hey, my baby's the best. Everyone's got to love my baby. Like, I'm behind him being like, man, I wish my kid would just quiet because it's like,

and again, he's not screaming. He's like, Bapap, babo, babo, babo, babo, but, it's adorable. There's not, like, literally you can't complain about a baby talking. You can't. That's insane. And we all have headphones.

Just turn your fucking headphones. I will say to be fair. Sometimes I put on rap. I was on a flight. I was on a layover flight. And there was two women. I was going from like Texas to Lafayette. Or no, I was coming home.

So it was like Lafayette to New York. And there was these two women that were like southern, like old southern like Paula Dean types. And they were having the loudest. But it was like, I wanted to get angry. But they were just like, you know what? I love my sweet tea. My auntie used to make me my sweet tea. Every time I bake a pie.

Yes. And you go, I can't fucking take them. But I literally was like, ladies, shut the fuck up. Why you're the only people having a full-fledged loud conversation on this flight.

Do it kind of like, if you're talking to somebody like, you want to have a real conversation. Hey, what's going, Bobby's happy. How you doing?

Like, yeah, when we play. Plain voice. Plain voice. What are you doing? This is a, it's a plain voice. It's a plain voice.

I had a lady on a flight room of first class, big, like, fucking Iceland bitch. Yeah. And you could see her from coach? Uh, God.

She, she, she, she had a kid with her, but it was kind of too big to sit on, you know, it was like, she's kind of scamming it. Yeah. And he was just rambunctious, like you said, just too much. But she goes, hey, do you mind to please watch my baby? The baby, but he's a man. But I had Max, so I was like, fuck. Everybody hated this woman because her kid was such an annoying, skitching, screaming. But I was laughing the whole time because I remember these days.

So I was, she's like, I'm sorry. I'm like, don't fucking worry about. She goes, you mind watch. She went to the back. for like 25 minutes. Yeah, she cried. No, I think she went and got shit-faced. That's funny.

She came back, kind of fucked up. Just sucking little bottles. But I'm just sitting there with the kid, and after like five minutes, I don't know what to say. He was kind of too old. It was like a cute. I was like, so, you know, you like cartoons? What's your income tax? Yeah, it was so weird.

You're paying property taxes? What's that like in Reykavik? I like kids on planes now. But my thought for you is, if I were in your position watching this, I would be preparing what I'm going to say to the guy. As we stand up, I wonder if it's like, do we let him go and go, hey, it's a fucking kid. You're going to say it then.

You can't do it at the end. You're going to say it very early. If he's huffing and puffing and puffing, very early. I mean, I get that you seem to be upset. You can probably get them to change your seat, but he's a kid. He's two and a half.

There's no reasoning with him. He's not going to stop talking. If you have that much of a problem, maybe you shouldn't work in the airline. Yeah, but he's just going to go, nah, dude, I'm sorry. I just, I'm fighting the urge to fuck your kid. You got dressed like a sailor, and that's just like my thing.

What are you doing? Are you FaceTiming somebody? He's texting. No, I was just... I'm sorry. Did I rat you out? No, you're not ratting me out. I'm just making sure that the text messages that are coming through are not my irrigation system

and my basement flooding company that are both at my house right now. Of course. Literally. And every time we can. I thought he had a new company irrigating, when he said, my irrigation system. He goes, well, I'm getting calls because I'm running Lewis's irrigation in New Jersey. It's flood season. Maybe you understand.

That's money season. For me, you're taking money out of James' this college. No, the flooding and then also like all these, my, two sets of trees now have died that I've lined in my backyard with. My landscaper doesn't think to tell me, hey, they're not getting enough water.

Does the tree die that the lady wanted cut down? No, that one's fucking healthy as a fucking, that's healthy as a tree. That's funny. So we land. Oh, shit. So now we land and he gets up and he wants to come around to me.

So we kind of use the same. First. Wait, he wants to come around. I'm running to you who? The baby. My baby. I thought the pilot. Yeah, that's what I thought too.

So first we landed and it was a really hard landing. So here's my, here comes my first thing. We hit the ground hard and I leaned in. I go, boy, Delta pilots suck. That was fun. Passive aggressive.

That was a fun little, pop, Pa! Passive aggressive. So then Marty leaves his seat. He tries to come around, but he can't because everyone's already standing in the aisle. That's annoying.

So he's trying to get to me. Control your kids. So his, So his seat is empty, he puts his pilot hat and Marty's seat. Then Marty comes back to the seat and picks it up. And the guy grabs it from him. No, grabs it from him. I go, don't touch the hat, even though it is in your seat.

Yeah, good. So now I got, I got, bop, pow, I hit him twice. Yeah, yeah. So then Marty goes. Joseph Karen. Sarah picks up, Marty, whatever, or is with him. And then he pulls out his phone. So I'm standing behind.

I'm standing. The pilot takes up his phone. And so I go... And he pulls up a text and goes... And he starts texting. So I'm like, I'm going to watch what he texts because I know what he's going to do. Yeah, you do.

So he texts, hi honey, I landed. Most obnoxious kid ever. Oh! Wow. You saw that. I saw it. So now if he had said I had an annoying kid next to me, I would be less upset.

Because it was the most... He says the most obnoxious. Which is, again, it brings me back to my point. Well, Marty's first word was the N-word. Never cried. Never cried. yelled, didn't kick a seat, didn't get up, didn't move, didn't touch him, didn't yell. Just didn't like his political views.

Did grab his hat, though. After the flight, and he put it in his fucking seat. That's still my seat. I bought that. Maybe it was because Marty wasn't talking into his microphone, and the pilot got annoyed. He goes, this is a terrible podcast. This is not going to be an episode of flying with Marty. So, it's in the top five of under 10 podcasts.

So now I'm like, now I hate the man. Yes. Absolutely. So I leaned over and I said, hey, you must not fly a lot. And now he doesn't know that I've read his text. He just knows that he's a pilot and a pilot unit. And that's also funny too, because he's in a pilot unit.

We missed the irony and the hilarity of that sentence. Yes. And he says, yeah, not too much. And I go, no, I mean you must not fly a lot in the actual cabin. If that's the most obnoxious kid you've ever seen. Oh, you let him know. I'm blown away. You said it.

Joe, I'm so proud of you. You said it. Yes. You said it. What do you say? So he goes, he was like, really. it was like I smacked him in the fit. Like, he took a second to compute.

He was like, well, I didn't know you were just leaning over, reading my tech, looking over my shoulder. Yeah. And I go, well, you kept looking at my kids, so I thought I'd look over at you. Yeah. And he goes, well, and I go, yeah, yeah,

keep huffing and puffing. You've been huffing and puffing the whole flight. At this point, I love Puffin Joe. That's Boston Joe. I'll tell you right now. You don't matter. You've been looking at my boy,

and I'm looking at you. And that's the boss. Bottom line. Because blasting Joe, that's Joe is six- Wow. Wow. That's Joe's exceptional. Sarah turned her back.

You're like the woman and the man in one person. It's crazy. At this point, Sarah turns her back and goes, Joe, Joe, no, just leave it. She hates me. She's like, no. She doesn't know about the text. Shut up, Sarah. Go back to your fucking trainer.

Sarah's got four. She doesn't know about the text. Doesn't even matter, though. Still, let me have my moment. Fuck off. Sorry. So he goes, I was not. sire an X-tail. I don't even know what you're talking about,

but he said that facing down. He was like, it wasn't saw, and there was a beat after that also because I think he's also calculating I'm in my uniform. I'm going through. I like have Ray. I want to beat this guy to death. But also... I would have taken a picture of his text. Well, I have, I know what,

I have his name. Ooh. But it's hard is, I live Delta. I love Delta. He must have an amount of power. I don't know who has more power. I'm Diamond five years running. Diamond five years running is huge. He's a pilot.

He's a pilot. Let me tell you about pilots. Pilots come and go. That motherfucker could be at United in two years. You know who's still be flying Delta? Joe Albert. Customers always right.

Delta's an elite company. You're not going to be, you're not going to be, what are they going to do? You can't, literally, it's a guy who's a pilot who works with him, huffing and puffing at your kid, texting weird shit about your kid, staring at your kid.

I would literally lean into, I don't know why he was staring at my son so much. It's very strange that he kept on staring at him to a point where it made me very uncomfortable. My wife said something to me. I had to say something after I saw him text things about my son. I don't know what else he said about my son, to be honest with you. He said other things. I have no idea.

Right. He put him in Grock AI and made him naked. So he was kind of looking down. He was like, I can't do that anymore. He's like, I wasn't huffing and ex-sail. I wouldn't, I wouldn't fucking make the guy to be a pedophile. That's kind of fucking. Well, Robert, that's why. That's why you can win battles. I'll win wars. I don't know. I don't know who's looking at my son.

If he looked at him, puffed and puffed at my son, And they had a napkin on his lap the whole time. I don't know what's going on. Listen, I don't know how you guys vet these guys at Delta. All I'm saying is, did he ever work for a Taiwanese airline? Ah, man. He was wearing Bangkok air. He was wearing silky sweatpants.

You wore basketball shorts as this bottom half. So I've got to tell you the best part of the whole thing. Right. He's the creep in a skirm. So what are other people around you doing? Applating, like, when they land. It was awkward because I didn't really look because I was like seeing red. And other people in your row understand.

was happening. Do you get a team together? Yeah, you saw some red text messages. This lady, that's not bad, this lady across the aisle from Sarah. No, but close. She loved Marty, and she was like, oh my God, he's so adorable and sweet. And so she sensed it, and then Sarah was like, oh, my God, Jesus Christ, Joe.

And so that was the guy like people I really noticed was that one woman. But definitely this lady to my right. So what does he say? You go this aggressive. Where is he at now? He says nothing else? He's just muttering at his feet? He kind of was staring down and then he was like, I don't know what

you're talking about. I'm sighing and the thing, but he also knows that I've seen his text. Right. He's in uniform at work. And then somehow, to be fair, though, if I'm him, I'm defending myself and going, like, he shouldn't be reading my text messages. I can text whatever the fuck I read. Clearly, I shouldn't be. Right. Did I tell you, I've never identified with someone more

than muttering at your feet? Your kid's fucking. Please tell me your flight home. He was your pilot. Oh, that's like a sign film. That's a sign. So, that's a So then somehow, I forget how exactly. Maybe he stayed there. I wasn't looking at it at this point because I was fucking like, red-hot.

Red-hot. So I picked up, Marty went, this is the funniest part, and I'll get to the conclusion. The funniest part is, in Key West, it was 100 degrees, it's a fun weekend. It was a skank-festy type weekend. Sure. Everyone's there. I bought a big, Seeger brand cowboy hat. Oh, my God.

Like an expensive, nice cowboy hat. Yeah. And I had it under my seat. So after this exchange, I had to grab my big old cowboy. And I walked by, like, he must have been like, oh, of course this fucking asshole. Yeah, or he went. Like a big jerk. I can never go to Houston again.

The prince of fucking Houston. So, Joe, give me a favor. Will you? Okay, so let me conclude. So then I want you to read what you wrote to me and what my reaction was because I think that what I said was an appropriate thing, a piece of advice for my friend in this moment. Everything had gone down like this.

Right. So then I'm, somehow I got out before him. I don't know if he was still trying to figure it out, or if he was just like, oh, because I wasn't looking like that. You shell-shock the fuck out of him. And I picked up Marty at that point, so my focus was on him. So then we have to wait for the stroller on the jetway. So I stand there.

Sarah, who's mad at me. With the hat. So I'm like fuming on the jetway, waiting for him to come. He didn't come right away. My suspicion is he probably stopped to talk to the flight attendant or pilot about me and go, hey, this guy and fucking whatever. For all I know, there's a, I'm blind. blacklisted.

Yeah. And then I was waiting. He's got a cowboy hat in a Boston accent. It's psychotic. Where the fuck is this guy from? He goes, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. I mean, it's dropping his arms and he's got a big white pearly hat on?

In my head, he stopped and was like, because it took him a few minutes to get off. So my son. So I went, I'm suspect maybe he was like, what is this guy? And they might have been like, he's fucking diamond. This guy flies. I don't know. Oh, that's funny. He's untouchable.

Because I waited for a minute on the jetway. What did you? do. He goes, what do you mean? He goes, this guy's diamond five years running. And he has 250,000 followers. That's not that many. I don't have that many. But anyways, so then I was like, I couldn't stand there and I felt like Sarah was weird. And so I left the jetway and waited at the gate.

You left Sarah and the kid on the jetway. No, no, I have the kid. Okay. So I walked out and waited by the gate. And then he walked out and we had an exchange. And I just went like that. Like that? I gave him a big stupid smile with the party and the hat. I had the hat and Marty and I just kind of Did he look at you?

He looked at me and then looked away. I assume because he was also raging. Was he mad? When he came out and looked at it, was he angry? He looked at me and he didn't look happy, but he didn't smile or give me the finger or say. There was no exchange. He's playing his cards right now.

His cards are like, oh, I got caught texting about this. I was being huffing and puffy. I don't want this to go to work. Even if he has more power than you. I'm sure he's a bit. It's just kind of like, eh, I don't want to deal with this. Like, this was a, it was a mistake on my end. You're underst-

Also a bit embarrassed. That's what I was going to say. You're underestimating the amount of embarrassment of going from angry to embarrassed sucks so bad when you go from being like, oh, yeah, this fucking kid won't shut up. And then they see you and you go, I mean, I guess I wasn't even that man. It's better than embarrassed to angry. You ever, like, fall down? You ever, like, embarrassed.

And then immediately when people are trying to help you up, you're like, get the fuck away from me. I'm fine. Well, I think a couple things also. I think that when I saw it and said something, I might be I might be wrong the part of him that's like I feel like a fucking idiot because he really wasn't obnoxious but you tell your wife

sure you'll say to your wife man the most craziest thing happened I had not that crazy I had a fucking a different situation but similar with that attitude I was flying this was years ago I was flying frontier from Denver to New York the lady next to me we get sad

or whatever and the lady's like I need to give my daughter her purse in the flight attendant goes miss you can't leave the plane and come back on. Like, if you want, I can give it, or a gate agent can come down and get it. And the lady's like, I need to give my daughter her purse. And she goes, I understand that. You're just not allowed to leave the aircraft. I can't leave the aircraft. It's all FAA shit. I can't. I can't. She's like a Long Island lady. She's like, no, I got to give my daughter her purse. I'm not going to let you give her purse. She's fucking awful this flight attendant. The flight attendant, like

the lady's fucking family gets on. There are all these gumbas from fucking Long Island. the flight attendant the whole time, the lady's just being a fucking to her. She's just going like, and what's your problem? First, you wouldn't let me give it the purse, and she's, like, hassling her about the snacks. She's, like, sitting next to me.

And at one point, I go, calm down, like that. And the lady goes, I'm not going to calm down. I'm not going to, who are you? And so we just don't talk. That's the worst thing you say to somebody like that, calm down. I know, I kind of wanted to push her. And then, calmatee.

I go, calmatee, you fat donkey. Yeah, dude. You did it with that accent? You think it's sexy. Yeah, that would work. Come down, come down, burro. You big fat donkey, sook my chichero. Sock my chorizo.

We're leaving. That would work. That would work, dude. The flight attendant, I'm behind the lady, right? And she's, like, getting out in front of me and her family's in the back. And she's leaving, and she goes, to the flight attendant, she goes, what's your name? And the lady's like, I don't know, fucking Judy. And she's like, yeah, Judy, what's your last name?

And she, like, writes down a piece of paper. And she's like, I'm going to contact Frontier. Because you're the worst flight attendant I've ever had in my life, and you have it. out for him. You're on Frontier, you dumb bitch. The worst airline there is. And she leaves and I look to her. Our customer service at Frontier is real good. I'm behind, yeah. She's leaving to the flight attendant and I go,

you're an American hero. That lady sucks ass. And she like laughed. So then I'm down at baggage carousel waiting for my bag. And the lady is telling her family the story, kind of like what he did. Where she was like, and this lady was like, no, your daughter's not going to get a baby. And they were interrupting her. She was like, can I just finish

the story? She goes, God, can he set a minute? Can you set a minute? So she's telling the story, but she's telling this story, like the flight attendant's a fucking Nazi in the air. Like she's like not allowed snacks or whatever. So I get my bag before her. And as I get my bag. Is she trying to create justice? Oh, dude.

I get my bag and I fucking wheel it up. She's telling a story. And I lean in with my bag. I go, that's not at all how it happened. She was the aggressor. Like that. And the lady goes in front of her whole family and the lady goes, I was not. And I just, it was like, it was the closest I've ever felt to flicking a cigarette.

and having it explode behind me as I walked out to get a cab at LaGuardia because I just went and I went, no, that's not how it went. Dude, it was so, oh, God. They had, like, these beetle suitcases. That's all I remember about them. They had, like, Abby wrote, oh. But that's what I'm saying.

He's going to tell the story to his wife that, like, Marty was being the worst. But he's also probably telling his wife this shit because he's trying to, you know, you always tell you what. How was it? I'm tired. I missed you. That's what I mean. Yeah.

When I get home, I'm really going to need snacks and sleep. And a blow job. Yeah. We've done that before. I've done that where I'm like, this kid wouldn't blow me. You don't understand. He was so sexy.

He was all bound up in those little top. His mouth was open the whole time. He's going, Ah, blah, blah, blah. But,

yeah, I mean, sometimes you're like, oh, he ran into this fucking. And if that person saw it, you'd be like, I don't know why I called you a guy.

I'm just trying to whatever. That's where humanity. Yeah, it wasn't for you. It was like, here's where I'm going to say, it wasn't for you. It was a moment.

He was annoyed. He wasn't trying for you to see the text. He didn't want to hurt your feelings or the baby's feelings. But knockout blow by Joe reference. Knockout blow by Joe's crazy. But the kid, I got, you leaned over verbally and just went, I guarantee this guy doesn't have kids. Oh, for sure.

Don't have kids later. They hate kids. I hate kids. I don't. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. You talk about Joe's kids. You hate him.

I go, I'm trying to put him in like a fucking garbage bag or something. You don't even like feeder because he's kid's size. That's true. I go, who is this? Who is this? little one. Yeah, dude. There are people that don't, I think there's people with kids that hate kids. I don't understand. Like, if you don't have kids, I don't want to, you know, turn into a thing against Dan, but it's like, now that I have a kid, like, I can, like, I'm going

like, oh, I can die in like 20 years and be happy. Like, I don't understand how you, like, where do you even find the happy? It's like, what are you, where's the motivation? What are you working for? Like, just, what are you going to do with your money at the end of it? Once you die, where does the money go? Nises and nephews? The hell. What? My niece. See what I mean? Oh, see, but if you had kids, you would love all children. Isn't that the fucking theory? Come, my niece is the nightmare.

Have you met my niece? Oh, but only, but Lewis only people without children hate children. My sister told me. It's not people with children that are shitty. That's always this argument people have where they're like, you'll never know a love until you have a child. It's like, then why are there so many shitty parents in this world? No, they don't love their fucking kids.

You act like everybody has a kid and all of a sudden they're enlightened. They're fucking retarded out here. 95% of people. I know some retarded. motherfuckers with a lot of kids that have zero love for them. They stand out because it's very rare. Because most parents have an undying love that it's like I will fucking take a bullet for this fucking kid.

I love it more than anything in the world. You had a kid. It made you. 95% of people. You had a kid. It made you an awesome person. You had a kid that made you an awesome person. You had a kid made you an awesome person.

But that doesn't mean. I thought it was going to really give you a fucking thing. I think you know what it was. You guys were such bags of shit. That was that delay. Joe didn't need it. Joe's going to be fine if he just went along as well. Having a kid actually made him tough.

Yeah. It made him stand up. If he didn't have a kid, he would have just gone like... He wouldn't have stood up for Sarah? He would have blink that out on the way home from LaGuardia. Well, what was frustrating is Sarah was like, Jesus, Joe, stop. But I was like, no. That's crazy.

Your wife should always back your... Every time. She says to me afterwards. Go home, bitching me in the cab. But right there... Right there. You're on my team. You ever see when a guy's fighting another guy,

and his wife keeps grabbing his arms and her... And come on, go. It's like, grab his, help me. You're talking about my favorite internet video of all time, which I think is on the four or five train, and this guy's in an MTA vest. Yeah. And this woman's just fucking jawing at him.

And he looks at her boyfriend and he goes, if she doesn't stop, I'm going to kick the shit out of you. And the lady goes, oh, you get kicked the shit out of him? And the guy just moves and just beats the fucking shit. I have the exact same scenario. And he looks at her at the airport. You did that. Same flight, same flight as the two old Apolladine.

I've done that too. I've done that. in my head a lot. Yeah. Same flight as the two Paula Dines. Literally, I get off. I have to make a connecting flight because Lafayette, there's nothing direct. I have to make a connecting flight. It's like my flight's landing when I have to get on when I'm boarding, right?

So like really tight connection. Gate check the bag because there's a small plane from Houston to Lafayette, like an hour flight. So I'm freaking out about it. I finally grab my bag. I'm running. I go down to the escalators, the down escalators are off. So there's an Indian man, and what I'm assuming is his wife right in front of him. And they're walking down, but they're suitcases to the right, and they're walking down.

So they're blocking the whole escalator. And they're just walking down like Indians. You know what I'm saying? Like real fucking, like, explain that more. Have you ever seen a fucking super athletic Indian? Not really. Like, they're always kind of frumpy. Yeah.

Even the like superheroes have pot bellies? Yeah, no, it's not. Yeah. They never really in shape. Except by Raina Vandena. What? That's made up. No, it's not.

Raina Valandigham is a martial artist. Guys, pull it up in about 30, 40 minutes? Viral years off. She got cast in the Karate Kid TV show. She's in the new street friend of a movie. She's maybe the hottest woman alive. She's so hot. Who's she playing the new street fighters?

Chung Lee? No, it's not Chung Lee. She's Indian. I get back to the story. So I go down, I'm behind this guy. I'm like, excuse me, sorry. I'm in a really big hurry. I got a mechanic flight.

And he's like, we're, there she is, yeah. He's like, we're all in a hurry. That's not full Indian. Yeah, there's way hotter photos of her. It's not a photo at all. That's completely like an animated thing. No, it's a, it's a photo, but it's AI. Which is not a photo.

No, it's a photo, but it's like AI touched up. Which, am I being like gas-up? Which makes it not a photo. Well, no, AI can touch up photos. You can touch your photos. Hold that back up. That's a photograph. I want to hear the story.

Yeah, this bitch is retardedly hot. She's not really? She's all right. She's all right. She's weird looking. She has a very small little girl body. The fuck is wrong with you guys. Dan, you're the deciding factor.

Dan, I don't think she's banana's hot. It looks like a mask. Show her on Instagram doing martial arts. The hottest thing I've ever seen. Her hair line is so close. She'll look at her hairline. It's so close to her eyebrow. I don't like that.

No, it's that her eyebrows are large because she's Indian. You're going to love me. I want like three fingers. You get a load of me. But you were saying you're going down the escalator. As soon as I start telling the story again, they're going to pull up a photo over it.

This couple, production is crazy. You're like, sir, please. And he's like, no, no, no. No, he goes, he was like, we're all in a hurry. And he's like walking down like this. And I was like, well, what life advice? So then I was like, well, I was like, you're not as much of a hurry as me

because you're taking your time. He goes, sir, I'm really in a hurry. And he goes, but there is no hurry. Life happens. He was like, did you say curry? He goes, why are you? Your backyard is going to flood. I got show on that one.

I think this is all great. It's a good. It's a lot of bombs, but it's good bombs. Yeah. What are you in the hurry for? So I'm like, he's literally, he's like, he's like, we're all in a hurry. So I was like, you're not as much of a hurry as me because you would be going faster if you were.

He moves out of the world. In your next life, may you come back as a snail. For you are too rushed. Ah, little turtle man. He's just so zend out. Excuse me? We're all trying to go down this escalator and it's not really. I hate you all right so much, Louis.

He knows your name. I escalate you escalating the situation. There might be a real ass dude, but is there a very happy. So I was like, if you weren't as much of a hurry as me, you'd be moving faster. He moves out of the way. Great. His wife, or so I thought, is in front of him. I tried to get it.

And I was like, same thing. Excuse me, miss. She's ignoring me, staring forward. Good. I was like, miss, I got to get through. She wants to talk to other men because of her loyalty to her husband. So then I go. And then I was like, miss, I got, excuse me.

She's like, I thought you were very rude to my husband. No, no, no. She was, I thought you were very rude to him. And I was like, I was like, I wasn't rude. But I'm going to let you know. If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to fuck him up right now. Just so you know. And she was like, that's my father.

And I was like, good. I'm going to beat up your father in front of you. She goes, try. Dalson kicks me. He has nine arms. He has nine arms. Oh, come back. Oh, well, you're like a real Spider-Man.

With curvy swords and all of them? Oh, you've made the big. biggest mistake of your life. You met the spider. Oh, a rattlesnake has bumped into a spider. Lewis just wakes up in a multiverse. Oh, oh, oh. Real quick, let's do some plugs.

I need you to tell what you told me. This is what I texted. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's do plugs first. Plugs. Come see me live in the road, guys. Lewis of skanks.com, go to my website. I'm off for the month of August,

but September. I got a lot of stuff coming up in September. Fort Lauderdale, Florida, coming to September 11th and 12th weekend. Then after that, I am in Portland, Maine on September 17th, 18th, and 19th. Great club.

Belmore, New York, on September 26th, Rochester, after that, Vancouver for the first time, Portland. It's going to be a lot of fun. Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com. Check out all the other pods that I do, Legion of Skanks, Realast Podcast, Story Wars. Get my Lewis Journal podcast.

Sign up for my mailing list. The only way to get that podcast is by getting my free mailing list at Lewis of skanks.com. You're going so fast. Grab the book, Knives and Spoons, and subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, we do an uncensored,

ad-free version of the show with pre-release every other week, Monday nights, right after StoryWorse. So subscribe to Gas Digital. It supports the show directly. Get the uncensored version. You have to listen to all the annoying ads. You're going so fast, baby boy. It was good.

I know, but you're so fast. You're going so fast. Dan, what do you got? I'm going to be in Spokane, Washington. Oh, August 20th through the 22nd at Spokane Comedy Club. You should donate all the money because of the fires. I probably will. Thank you. Thank you for that, Joe.

That was a dick move. Yeah, I hope you donate all your fucking money to your fucking shit. I'm gonna be, I also will be at Empire Comedy Club September 10th through the 12th, and then I'm gonna be at the Hartford Funny Bone September 17th through the 19th, Dan Soder. Oh, you're there the week before me? I think so. Great. Well, again, DanSoda.com for live dates and listen to Soda's podcast. Oh, he's there before you. I'm there a week before him. They'll come see. You'll make sure after any show, tell me to next week. I will.

I'll plug your shows. Yeah, plug my shows, Dan. Thank you. Hartford, Connecticut. Tickets are like 10 bucks. No, it's Empire in Portland. Oh, you're there. That's going to suck.

No, that club is fucking great. It's the best club ever. I love that. It's an incredible club. But your shows are all already sold out, so you don't need to even promote it. So why don't you come see me the week after? Yeah, why don't you promote his show. Yeah, dude.

You don't need to promote. No. See Lewis at Empire Comedy Club. September 20th. Promote. You want the people's stuff and give away your money. Yeah, and Hartford, Funnybone, 17th through the 19th, Danseller.com. Are your shows already sold out in Empire?

No. No. There's six shows. I think they said six sold-out shows with Dan Soder. I saw it somewhere. I can tell you right now. I don't know. I don't know, man. You guys.

I don't know. I genuinely don't know. You know. Speaking of Portland, this weekend, I will be, this cord sucks. I just ripped it out of the thing. This weekend, I will be in Portland, Oregon. The other Portland I meant to say. at Helium Comedy Club,

Love the Comedy Club. And then St. Louis Funny Bone, one of the best Funny Bones. Old Time Room. I love it. I'll be there, August 20th through the 22nd. And of course, Comedy Mothership, September 4th, 5th, and 6th.

Mark Riley's Comedy Castle, September 11, 12, Ridley's. And 13. What did I say? Riley's. Mark Ridley's. And then, oh, Toronto.

I just added a show in Toronto. September 24th. Sold out a show, so we added one September 24th, Toronto. My early shows are sold out. Late shows, tickets still available. Empire Comedy Club, Dancudder.com. Go to punchup.com.

Live slash Robert Kelly. I'm going to be in Saratoga Springs at a comedy festival up there, the 11th and 12th of September. Then I'm at the Brooklyn Improv. One night, Saturday, the 26th, September 26th. And then I'm in Port Charlotte,

the second and the third, down there in Florida. And then I'm going back to fucking. Boston, dude, on the 18th, the 16th, scroll down, fuckface, 16th and 17th. I'm all over the place. Go to punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my tour dates and my specials up there, live from the Village Underground, and go to my YouTube page, YouTube.com.

Check out the bonfire. Check out my YKWD, all the other shit. And we're back. We're back. I'm back. This is what I wrote to Lewis. And I went to Lewis, because this is what happens. In the car.

So Joe heavy show. It's a Joe heavy show. So you asked for it. I know, I like it. So I'm worried. Maybe I did the wrong thing. What I wish I had done was, hey, sir, it seems to be really bothering. I'm so sorry that my toddler son was speaking.

That sucks. I'm so, I should have been more like that, maybe. No, and I mean the show, you literally handle it exactly perfectly. Thank you. That's what I needed for you. Yes, you handle it better than I would have handled it in the moment. had you presented that to me in your text message, I would have been more aggressive.

Joe said this, read what you wrote to me. I wrote, I know, I need your opinion on something from one real ass dude to another. I wrote, was just on a manipulative. Was just on the play. He's buttering me up. But he went to Lewis because he wanted, he wanted to let Lewis know that he was a fucking real ass.

He let him know that. No, that's not true. I wanted Lewis. If he called me, I'd be like, well, dude, maybe you could. He was feeling weird and guilty, and he wanted a psycho to, yes. justify his actions. That's absolutely why.

That's right. That what you said was not right. That was right. Yeah. I wanted someone to go, yeah, I fucking put his head through the window. Yeah.

That's what I said. I didn't do that. No, you said you wanted me to tell him how badass I was, which is not true. You wanted a bad, you wanted him to go,

fuck him. You wanted a validate. You wanted another motherfucker to validate you. Right. If you called me, I would have been like, well, I mean, you know, and if you would have called me,

would have just talk about the trade deadline in baseball. This is what Lewis, I wrote to Lewis. I was just on a flight. sitting behind Sarah and Marty. There was a Delta pilot sitting next to them deadheading. The last 45 minutes of the flight, Marty was slightly rambunctious.

Nothing crazy. Never yelled, never screamed, never cried. Did not touch the guy once or get out of his seat. Just talking a lot at a normal volume, playing and being silly. I'm sitting behind in the middle seat, so I kept watching the pilot looking at Marty every few seconds and doing big exhales and size. Sarah texted me this pilot hates us, so it was noticeable. When we landed, I looked over the seat and watched him text. Hi, Honey, just landed.

Most obnoxious kid ever sitting next to me. What would you do? and then Lewis At this point, I don't know that Joe had already acted So I thought Joe was asking for a real like adult In real time Real adult advice So why would I come to you?

Yeah, why would he? Real time Joe would go I gotta talk to Lewis right now Fucking, you know You know, Sarah, hold on I own a house I got seven businesses, I'm a millionaire I got a text

Oh, you're a millionaire Oh, you're a millionaire. Oh no, no No, no I can't do that to Joe. I don't fucking no. Let me show that on every show. show. Let's make them a multi-million.

Body beer and coffee. Multi. I'm going to tell everybody. Multi. So go ahead. No, you're going to say something. So I thought that you were asking for real-time advice, like, what should I do right now? Which is, now I'm going to do that.

I'm not going to fight him, Joe. Even with the text, it's not that harsh. As you're describing it, it's coming off more harsh, the amount that he's like huffing and puffing. I thought there was a couple huffs and puffs from your text. I thought he texted. You weren't supposed to see the text. So read what my response was. I thought I had a very measured response.

That's weird. I mean, some people are just singular. You can't really take it personally. If you work for the airline, I might say something to the airline. Wait, what I said? It says if you work. I think he worked. If he worked for the airline, I might say something to the airline.

He should have been more conscious, but at the end of the day, it's not like he said something to you or to Sarah. And then I responded, gay. I made a small scene. So that's not bad. I think you were trying to, like, make, you know, like give the adult thing of like, hey, don't be freak out. No, if you're not in the moment, you're not angry. He goes, like, what are you going to do? You're going to fucking risk being put on a no-fly list.

No, you contact the airline, but this guy was fucking rude. They're probably going to give you a bunch of miles and a bunch of, like, credits and shit. Take advantage of it, turn a negative into a positive. Now, can we do a little thought, bang, bang. Can we do a little thought exercise? Please, thought exercise. Now imagine. Now imagine if your own brain did that for you.

Come on, dude. Don't grab my junk. It's not at its best. right now? No. You gotta fluff before anybody touches it. Imagine your own brain doing that for you. That's what I do to myself all the time.

I would like step outside of yourself. What would you give? What advice would you give yourself? It's never to scream, yell, freak out. Ever. If I was programming a robot to live in my life and live my life. Which you are? Which you are?

I wouldn't program. I was like, hey, do you know what? When you get slightly inconvenience, I need you to go nuclear on everybody. That's not the right answer. It's easier said than done. I think you have to, I think saying something, what he did, you have to put people in check. Sure. You have to let this guy.

Accountability. Yeah, yeah, who the fuck? He'll do that forever now. Now, I guarantee this fat fuck. We'll get a screen protector. Exactly. That's what he should do. Well, he's going to, he's not going to, he's going to be on guard now because he got

caught being a piece of shit. So you did the right thing. You called him out. That's what I said to Lewis also. I just can't have a man looking at my kid going, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. I get that. Without saying something, it's crazy.

Yeah. I think also it was difficult because it's the first time I've had anybody say something negative about my child. Oh, that you heard. We say it all the thing. Yeah, we talk all the time. You've never seen my child. Yes, I have. I see it at one time.

I saw them. Oh, yeah, that other one. You brought him to my house. Oh, man. I am loving this product. They just sent me one. I had one from a previous years ago. So now I have two.

I got another one that I sent to my dad. The power bank? What? The power bank or the wallet? The wallet. Oh. I love the wallet. The power bank is incredible, dude.

It's the best. I literally don't bring wires anymore with me. You can charge three phones on it at the same time. Power bank rules. The Ridge wallet. That's my thing that I love. It's a slim wallet. It's hard to even describe.

It's the best wallet I've ever had. I'm not just saying that. I bought it from my dad. He's loving it. He doesn't like anything. I got one for a friend of mine. Is that true? He loved it.

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You pay all that for the year? Absolutely. That's crazy. No catch. No catch at all. Except, I mean, obviously, this taxes and fees are extra. A national plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot, capable. device required availability speed and coverage varies see mintmobile.com for details good job tell me because this is before we brought the regs back this happened I definitely ever told you guys this this is like dude where where the fuck were we were somewhere tropical

before Lewis was a millionaire maybe is it was it Costa Rica let's say on story worst night let's give my story one time I was friends with a millionaire you go who's that round millionaire so listen we're I don't know where we were we're on like some sort of like

walking tour through the woods or something, somewhere in the woods. Can I guess? Jamaica? No. He doesn't bring the baby to Jamaica. He brings the ladies that make the babies. This was just me and James. I'm really strong.

It might have been Puerto Rico. He might have been really, he was young, dude. He was a young boy. Might have been Puerto Rico. We did like some sort of tour or something, right? There's a guy, like an older guy behind him. Let me know what you would do here, okay? All right.

James is like just standing in line. they're about to go, whether it's a rope swing or whatever it is. I don't remember exactly what we're doing, but he's just like walking along a path. I happen to be a few feet behind him. This guy's in front of me with his wife and his daughter. He's got a teenage daughter. James is maybe six or seven years old. The guy's got a camera, like an old school, like Canon style like DSLR, right?

And he has it like down here. It's like it's on around his neck and he's holding it here. And James just thinking, you know, la-da-da-da-da-da. And I guess people had moved up ahead of him. The guy took the camera and stabbed it into James's back. What? It's like moving. Like, no.

Yeah. No, you can't do that. That's fucking crazy. I mean, yeah, he's got a show on Gas Digital. I bet you he's got a show on Gas Digital. I bet you because, I mean, I went fucking, I didn't beat his ass, but I was like, I'm going to fucking kill you. And then, like, his wife starts saying, I was like, listen, bitch, mind your

fucking business. He just put his fucking hands on my kid. I'm going to fucking murder your fucking husband. His daughter came over. I was like, fuck you too. I went fucking crazy. Dude, I went fucking nuts. I was like, I was like, I was like, this far from.

I was like, you're lucky I don't fucking actually kill you right now. I was like, what was he doing? Just staring? Like, he couldn't do anything. He was frozen. He had no idea. He had no idea that he, that his dad watched him fucking do that. He was just going bang to a little fucking kid, which is a devious, weird, sociopathic,

a movie. A move. A move. A move. A move. Nobody. He had a daughter. Oh, that's crazy.

He had a daughter with him. Oh, then that's almost like, it was like, with children. To the point where I was like, no, that is like your. Technically, he didn't touch James. It was the camera. Yeah, oh, it's almost like this theory of you can't be shitty to kids if you have kids. This guy fucking fucking moved you with the camera. I would fucking snap a fuck.

Was James like, what the fuck? James afterwards was like, thank you, dad. Really? Oh yeah. That's sick. What was the guy? Describe the guy. Older guy.

Like, um, and just couldn't do anything because he got him. No, I don't know. You're trying to link this guy as like a serial. He's like a serial asshole. He's just like around in everyone's life. I'll say he was a serial asshole. Tony the Tiger. We get it.

They're great. They actually aren't. Most of the time, they come crushed. Yeah. I don't get full play. Or the digum smacks frog. Is he a junkie? He's dead now.

He's under a bridge. When Max was a baby. Another server going to fucking die. When Max was a baby, I was driving, I was driving to the airport, Loggia, and Don was going to take the car and drop me up. Sure.

And as I'm pulling up, some old lady just runs across the street in front of my car, I almost hit her. But it's not my fault. She ran. She like, stop, ran, stop, and then ran. I almost hit it.

It was crazy. Her fault, but I would not want to hit her late. This guy comes up to my car and Max is in the baby seat and the back seat and starts smash. And he's like, yo, that's my mother, you almost hit. And Max, I see Max kind of shake. Yeah. Because it's on his window.

I don't remember like the next couple seconds, but I remember I just, I fucking. fucking was trying. I almost ripped my seatbelt. I always ripped my seatbelt like Cinderham. And then I. And now the actual seatbelt. I, he goes, oh my God, part of the car is leaving the car.

What's happening right now? I ran up to, I went up to the guy and I was fucking. I'm having a spasm. I go, I was just like, I go, that's my fucking son. And I'm, which scared Max even more. Sure. But I was like, I'll fucking kill you right now in front of you fucking dumb mother.

That fucking stupid She ran in front of a car Why are you fucking It was crazy Crazy He goes Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Whoa whoa

Okay And then I That guy where I go I'm sorry And then I got into the line That was when TSA first started Yeah And we were both in the TSA line

But he was right in front of me So far And we just stand there But you could hear Yeah Like you guys are a couple fighting And then the two turner He goes

Hey man I'm just sorry My mom You know I was like dude I don't know I'm gonna hit your mom Yeah You both were just protecting the ones you love. You're both actually

just being good fucking family members. Handshake. Yeah. Start kissing each other. Just heavy breathing in line. And then decided we just got kind of relaxed, calm down. That's fucking hilarious. The calm down.

I was like, good with my kid, man. Where are you going? Pretty nice this time of year. I think you did the right thing, dude. I love it. I'm proud of you. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. That's what you need it. And you were passive aggressive too, which keeps you out of trouble with the airline. I got a few good zings in. Yeah. The

must not fly a lot, great. Yeah. You're rage baiting, which is good. You must not fly a lot, it's the best line of the whole thing. Thank you. That makes me feel good. This is what I need. The smile at the end, I like. Yeah. Because not make, if he walked by and you didn't do something that he would have won. I have to

say this. I have to say this. I watched him walk away, like fade away. You waited. And then when I had to go get my luggage, I'm like, I hope we've had our last interaction. After that, you're like just trying to calm down. I would still contact the airline. And I would, and I would tell him about this. You will,

I'm not, just not even be a dick. Like, he's wrong. It's fucked up. He represents the airline. He's wearing their uniform, right? Right.

If I were you, I'd be like, look, I'm not looking for anything for free. But you need to know about this. And then they're going to go, we're so sorry. Here is fucking 10,000 or 20,000 miles.

Here's fucking, who I'm gonna'all in the flight credit. I say, let it go. You did it. Don't, don't, don't bring him back into your life. He's not coming back to your life.

They're not putting you in touch with the pilot. He's not reaching out to you. Don't throw the energy out. What if I do that? Because I've considered all this. And then they go, hey, we got a complaint from the guy. And then he went at the beginning, goes, who the fuck was in 11D?

Don't bring him back. He's gone. I know that guy. I'll get him back. That's how I lost Equinox, by the way. The exact thing you're talking about. I got into the argument in the steam room with the two guys. Oh, we know.

We've covered it. So then I go to, then they lead, like, I'm like, you know, being big huffy and puffy, calling them pussies, right? I'm like ready to fucking fight him. In my mind, I'm going, two versus one, they're the aggressors, they were dicks. I'll go report them, and I'll just fucking, as I leave. I had also gone back in the seam room, I relaxed, I shaved, it took my time. They left a half an hour before me.

They just were like, yeah, this guy's psychotic. He's trying to attack us in the seam room. But the time I went there, they were like, okay. Then they canceled my membership. Sure. Yeah, he's crazy. Can you go stand outside there? A little farther, outside the door?

Louis is sweating. These fucking guys. These two little guys were like, Hot babe. The whole plan was... I was gone with these fucking losers. I was going to get a fake ID to get back in Equinox.

That's hilarious. And use a different name because it's simply an ID, right? I'm Guis Loman. Now I have a home gym, though, so I don't need it. Still keeps the Jay. Well, the one, the problem was the one that was local,

the one in Paramus, had the same manager for three years after. And I was like, as soon as she is gone, because it was move people up, assistant manager, whatever. I'll go back with a different name. They won't... I'll even use my name.

Louis, it says, It says James Lewis Gomez on my ID because the middle name comes first below the last name. So I'll say James Gomez. These are dumb fucking gym membership salespeople. James Gomez, see the idea, cool, done. It'll get past him easily. How'd that work out? She moved on.

I just saw. I just checked. Sure. But I have a home gym now. I don't need to spend. Oh, damn. I thought you went back in and they were like, we know. I wouldn't be talking about it now.

How about this? Right before this, literally, the minutes before I got here, I was at the Equinox over here in the village. Sucking up, dude. Oh, that's the gayest one. It is very gay. It's the gayest one, by far. And oversaturated, shoulder to shoulder gay, hot gay dudes.

If you were gay, it's heaven. If you're not gay, it's heaven. Still heaven. Well, I was in the steam room, and there's a few guys in there, and a guy comes in, African-American, just painting a picture, doesn't matter.

His phone immediately, as soon as he sits down, it goes, if you've been lost with a dog, and he goes, oh, shit, sorry, big commercial comes on. Sorry, everybody. Four minutes later, it goes, Ban-na-da-da-da-da-da.

Oh, shit, sorry. It was the Godfather. Must be his ringtone. Sick. Ten seconds later. It's gonna-da-da-da-da-n-n-n-it. Three times. And then a minute later, it goes,

do-to-to-do. A fourth time. Yeah. Four out loud. And I wanted to go, dude, you got to. I'm trying to relax. It's a place of peace. I just had a beef with that other guy.

And the guy was ripped and black, but also black is tough. Oh, dude, I remember one time. I brought Mickey God. I brought Mickey God. To the steamroom in Equinox on 19th Street It's not ski slopes Dude, fucking people That was the gay guys

Trying to annoy him to get him out of the steam room We're not gonna suck until he leaked Most straight guys ate phone rings I went with a UFC fighter to the steam room On 19th Street and one of his boys Are both fighters And I remember there was, I don't remember exactly How it happened but it was like so like so thick

The fog you couldn't see anybody But there was a guy in the darkness And he sort of somehow me and this guy Sort of jarring and talking shit I have no idea what he looked like How big he was Anderson Silva All I know is that I was with two UFC fighters and I was like, I'm going to really just take this opportunity

to really talk shit right now. Yeah, that is great. Yeah. What did you do? Did he shut up? He shut up. He did nothing. But he didn't know they were UFC fighters,

so he just scared of me. That's what you tell yourself. It's like, I'm like, there's a dragon behind me. There you go. Ah! That's Mickey Gall, it's record. Five and one I watch them. If you saw Lewis come into a steam room naked,

yeah. That's either the best day of your life or the worst day of your life. Or you just go, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Anybody. I might have to suck this guy's dick if he wants me to. Oh, God. This guy might beat me up or off to suck them.

Well, anyway. Good job. Great story, Joe. Thanks, guys. Great bit, great story. That's the type of story you bring to the show. Real quick, because we have a little bit of time left here. We have to do ads after the show, so we don't have that much time.

But, guys, did you bring any topics? I said we speed round their topics. We do have topics. I love a speed round. But let's have them save it because we got a whole episode. We have to do the ads. We're going to get kicked out soon. 10 minutes, no.

10 minutes for ads? That's going to take it. No, we have until 4. We have a half an hour to get the ads. Oh, okay. All right. Beat round. Edit Dan not wanting to do the last segment out.

Yeah. I'm super into. I wonder how many edits do you do in the show? Me? Yeah. I already told Paco to edit something out. I texted him. What, the million thing?

No. Edit that out. I'll tell you later. If that was it. No. Are you a millionaire? Technically. My cans.

I don't have a million dollars in the bank. Being picked up. That noise with the cap? It's insane. This? Yeah. No. These are dynamic

What's the top? Who's gonna be first? I got a topic Who's gonna, what is it? Who would realistically win in a fight? Bobby's dog, Lewis's dog, Dan's dog, or Joe's kid? Ooh, great question, great topic, love it.

My kid is in the last place because he's a kid. No, your kid could destroy my dog. Okay. Well, my dog's kind of blind now, so you know what I mean? Because she got that tick. Mertle wins.

Yeah, myrtle, I think. What type of dog is Mertal? mut she's like 12 different things she wouldn't win she wouldn't win I guess our dog his dog's an old blind fucking poodle doodles would mind's a little fucking

You're actually I was watching your Inso videos my dog would win Yeah mine a little floof My dog would win Unless my dog learns kung fu Oh blind like Yeah like in bloodsport Was it the

Oh she could see blind That's what he does it I know we could overacting that I can't see Of course you See, I cannot direct. When I say this is my least favorite topic I've ever heard on any podcast? Well, because your son's going to get fucked up by puppies?

Yes. You're annoying, rambunctious son's going to get lit up by a Cocker's manual? Yeah, a blind, mixed breed is going to fuck up your kid? I would also hate this topic if I had a rambunctious pussy who could have beat up a puppy. If he was ruining a flight for a hero of the air, our pilots, our great pilots. Oh, God. Next topic. Next topic.

Speed round. Good. Would you rather someone fart directly in your face? Wait, hold on. Didn't you already give a topic? That was Joe. This is a different person. Oh, shit, I don't know. They're both autistic.

They sound crazy. I don't even have cans on. I can. Go ahead. Would you rather someone fart directly in your face or sneeze directly in your face? Sneeze? That's kind of hot.

Can they both be a girl? Fart because I can't smell. But it's fart too because farts are funny. You're going to laugh. Fart's more disrespectful. A sneeze is disgusting. No, a sneeze is crazy. A sneeze is crazy.

Yeah, but a sneeze you can get something from it. So this happened today, I think I'm going to try to do it on stage at one point. There's some, tell me if it's funny. I walked into the locker room at the gym, and then I tuted, give a little fart. And then I started really, like, enjoying the smell of my own fart. You know what I'm saying?

Just like, really like, that's a good one, right? And I was like, that's a good one, right? And I was kind of sitting in it for a minute. I was like, that tastes pretty good, too. You need to eat, dude. Then I realized, Bobby, then I realized that I didn't fart, and I was just smelling somebody else's shit. in the bathroom and enjoying it.

I spent 30 seconds enjoying the smell and taste of another man's shit. You need to get off the fast, dude. Yeah. Yeah, you're about to eat shit. Yeah, it was crazy, dude. I was like, I'll do that. I'll suck your ass for a little. Seriously, shit.

What do you got up there? Trying to fucking get it back. So, yeah, I'd rather somebody fart in my face than sneezing. 100% fart. They both stink, but a fart is simply just a gas. Can be funny. But a fart has a fart. There's a noise that's funny, too.

No one can sneeze funny in your face. A sneeze is a shocking sound. Has you ever actually had a fart really close? Yeah. It's fucked you up. It's like hot. You'd rather a sneeze. You have glasses, too.

It's going to smack your glasses. You got to wipe them down. That's why I said, can it be a woman? Because I'm into spitting. I want to be spitting my mouth. Plus, a sneeze is fluid. Yeah. It's fluid.

It's fluid. Like a man. All right. How about this? I can still sneeze. A man's asshole is fucking horrible. You're choosing a sneeze. Out of the three of us, you've got to choose one of our sneezes in your face.

Whose sneeze are you taking? And why? Bobby would have the best breath because of the lack of weed. I don't smoke weed. Not now. I'll take Bobby. Bobby's very breath conscious. I think I was hygienic.

I would take Dan. You don't think Dan? Look at him. Dan, look at me. No, he's got leftover cigarettes and coffee. You smoke? You don't smoke? I said from decades ago.

Oh, you got weed. You smoke weed. All the time, bro. I play prawn. Also, the way Dan's nose is shaped, his sneeze would hit him in his own chin. No, I'll tell you right now, I have a very... Dan can't aim a sneeze. My sneeze is fucking...

Can't aim a sneeze. It sounded very... It sounded very... It couldn't aim a sneeze. You couldn't aim a sneeze? All right. Next topic. No way.

Who fart would you take? Oh, that's great. Follow up. Good. Who's fart? Out of us three. Out of us three. Can I tell you right now, I'm not trying to...

If you don't choose me, that's right. Right now I'd choose Lewis. I'm not trying to be a pick me. My farts are very loud. They're not stinky. My farts are terrible. It depends on where my diet's at. It's when you catch me, it could be the worst thing you've ever smelled or like, oh, that smells healthy.

That smells like, like, like, AG1 greens. My farts are so bad. My farts are, like, I fart and you don't smell it for like a minute because it's like a ghost. I couldn't do a fart. Hanged out. It's so offensive. It's like, ah. Yeah, it's bad.

And no noise. It's like that. It's gross. Oh, silent forth. All the protein I'm drinking is terrible. I'm protein as well. Last topic. All right. Last topic. Here we go.

Come on, Joe. Bring the heat. It's Paco. Didn't you do the first one? No, I didn't. That was Joe. No one who literally said you knew who was from his voice without a kid. I agree.

No, I'm an asshole. I fucked up. All right. On any of your guys individual podcast, right? who is a famous black person that you think you could beat up but also would like as a guest wait someone i can beat up but have on as a guest what's the correlate like what it how does it connect he just thought of this and that like he that's like we put the microphone from it he just started saying words without thinking you guys have podcasts black people who do it doesn't it doesn't

make sense because just one of these would we should be the topic why it was good beat them up and have them heart and sneeze that's a good it's a philosophical yeah you could talk about that for a while. And Joe's was all right. The answer is Morgan Freeman. I could beat the fuck out of Morgan Freeman. Great voice. And I'd love to have him on my podcast. Joe, you really fucked me up. I mean, like, he's... 88. I'd kick his fucking... I feel like I'm a pilot from Delta.

So who you can kick their ass, you know you can beat them up. Yeah, but somehow also you want them on your... But why would you want them? It doesn't make sense. Is it felt the story? Do you beat him up after the podcast or before? No, it just applies to both. who would you like as a guest and you think you could beat up. You're really disappointed with this topic.

I got to be honest with it. I mean, it's the worst moment in the show's history. No, it's better than the fucking other one. No, dude, that was fucking crazy. That was a crazy question. It led to nothing. It led to no riffing.

We didn't even try. Dan's checked out completely. He's on his phone. He hated it. The dog fight was first. No, dog fight was decent, dude. Dog fight was actually pretty good. And honestly, I'm not saying that because Mertl went home the winner.

I'm not saying that when I walk in a podcast. my apartment, I'm going to go. Hold on. We do it. It's just one-on-on-on-one? Or is it, like, one-night, two fights, you got to win. Do pride style. She wants that smoke.

Yeah, dude. Open-weight. Open-white challenge? Yeah, dude. That way she can come in big. We're back on it. Let's get back to the black guy. I have the best answer.

It's the only answer. We're going to move on. We're done. Great show. What a show. Is that it? We're done? We're ending on fucking Paco's topic?

It's terrible. Guys, I'm so sorry. Is there a backup topic? And I have an extra. just know this guys just know this that in Spider-Man it's not really

her yeah just know that we'll see you guys next time on the regs