Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Gala Suit | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #29

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder discuss their nicknames, Story Warz, their biggest bombs, airline ettiquette, Luis getting fingered, AJ and Big Justice and Matan and more! Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-regz/id1700969607  SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com /https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/  Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/ https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/https://twitter.com/luisjgomez  Joe List https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/  Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/ https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/  SPONSORS   Small Batch Cigar https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/ (https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/) Code: REGZ for 10% off + 5% Rewards points Lucy Get 20% off first order w/ code “REGZ” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up everybody? We're back. It's the regs we got Joe List aka the truth and soda aka corporate Dan and we got Luis J Gomez aka the you want to go through it cuz you know I'm gonna say one and you're gonna say 15. We're gonna say King of Things. King of Things is a brand new one. No it's not. You're not a fan of mine dude. Yeah I am. If you would know that you would know, you point out a podcast. Howard Stern of MMA radio.

The artist formerly known as the Howard Stern of MMA radio. Don't act like I'm fucking new here. Ain't it my first rodeo? Rodeo Dan, Rodeo Dan's a good name for Dan. Yeah! Of course, me, Robert Kelly, the dude, what's up, how you guys doing, all right? Also, you name, like nobody really calls you the dude.

No, the dude is like a legendary character from a film called Big Lebowski. Well, you know what I gotta have. What's my name? They call me the Terminator. You guys might know me, I'm Pinocchio. They call me the Pinocchio. What is your name? I don't have a name.

You're Bobby. Bobby the Dude. I'm Bob Kelly aka Bobby. You can't just say the dude. That's so funny John. That's from a Colin Brothers movie. Wait a minute. Why can't I just say the dude? You just named yourself one day. Yeah, you named yourself. You just named yourself. You came in with a rattle.

Yeah, but I didn't come up with a name that somebody else was using. You came in one day and went, I'm the rattle snake. And we were all like, you're mentally ill. It was a Cinco de Mayo chachki for Corona. I still have it. I have it. I still have it. I just went behind here somewhere.

It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. It gave birth to the name. all like you're mentally ill. It was a Cinco de Mayo Chachki for Corona. I still have it. I still have it. I just put it behind here somewhere. It gave birth to the... I would just call it Kelly Fatt and it goes very fun. I forgot about that. And remember he was nice and he'd get the rattle when it was

Joe the garden snake? We gotta give Bobby a name. Because he can't be the dude. That's crazy. It is too iconic of a character. I like Bobby Dude is my thing. What about Bob up in the water? Dude and you're no who says dude everybody that I grew up with like yeah, dude, that's the white n-word Who would you call who says dude the dude when I watch the big Lebowski, he's the only time I ever. It is a very iconic character. That's not your, here we go to movie shit again. I'm talking to you. I mean, it's like a cult classic.

I know, it's a cult classic, you around. It's a masterpiece. It's not a fucking masterpiece. It's pretty close. It is, it is. It's a good movie. It's a fucking phenomenal movie. It's a really good movie.

It's perfect. It's unbelievable. It's not perfect. I love it. I watched Natural Born Killers last night. Right, Rodney Dangerfield. It's not perfect. I love it. I watched Natural Born Killers last night. Great. Rodney Dangerfield. It's very scary. Dude, it's wild, dude. You forget, like, Rodney Dangerfield played a very dark character.

He molested his daughter. It's great. He was a fucking horrible person in that movie. Yeah, good. He was like, hey, I'm gonna fuck you when your mom's at the grocery store. Who was the girl in it? Juliette Lewis.

Kate Feare was her hottest role though. As a daughter? She was a child. Right now. Look at the age. You tell me right now, when he stuck his thumb. Sucking the thumb. He stuck his thumb in your mouth,

you didn't go, what the fuck is this? Louis's immediate reaction was like, dude, she's a fucking kid. But when De Niro stuck his thumb. I would say that's the hottest De Niro's ever been. Coming out of jail, he's all jacked. I mean I think he was actually 15. Raging Bull, he was jacked.

Juliette Lewis, young. He wasn't jacked in Raging Bull, he was like fucking fit. Cape Fear, he was fucking jacked. He was shredded. Shredded. Shredded, he was jacked in Raging Bull. Yeah, he was more jacked.

Raging Bull was great. I would take Shredzo. 18 years old, all right,, he was more jacked. I take shreds Oh, all right above board fine Legally legally in the NBA they do this thing when they call a penalty where they look down the camera it sucks I don't know why they do it, but they like talk to the audience and they go there was no tripping on that play Oh, that's like with Bobby right there. We go. She's 18 fucking sag rules I'm gonna fucking 14 year old's mouth.

You know the rules. He, he. He didn't want to laugh, he had to just laugh. He tried to stop himself. He reached for the Bob Dana, too. Yeah, he got me. You call it the Bob Dana? No, we should call it the Bob Dana.

The Bob Dana, should ya? Wait, shouldn't we plug merch? Don't we have new merch? Not yet, not yet, fuck face. It's not book time. We have merch right now. Joe is so fucking ready for business. Calm down, business Joe. You're the one who brought up business at the beginning.

We had an unbusiness year. If Joe's in a business mood, let the CEO go. Let her cook. Everyone, we're gonna all upset. You guys are all yelling. We, I'm over here enjoying Bobby. I gotta say something. We've had merch for two years. We've had merch. None of us have ever pushed it.

Because it sucks. It doesn't suck. It's fine merch. It says R E G S. It's spelled wrong. It sucks dick. It sucks.. It sucks. We're not pushing that shit merch from some dude who we don't even get paid for it. Yeah you do. He's some fat guy in Florida that gets money.

He's in Ohio. I'm happy I brought this stuff. He's talking about this. He's talking about Skankfest. All the money from the merch sold, Reg's merch sold at Skankfest, went to Skankfest. That's not true. Can I break fourth wall real quick?

Something I love about our group text, and the producers will agree with this, it is you could read a text come in that you know is gonna start an argument, and then you can watch it go all the way through if you just don't pick up your phone for an hour. Then you just watch all the anger come through, and then go like then go like, no, the money went to Skankfest. Everyone's like, all right, so, 145 on Monday.

And it went to Skankfest. Yeah, everyone got paid for merch at Skankfest. You got paid. No, I didn't. You didn't talk to your company because your company made it. Ask where the regs money went. Ask not where your money went.

Ask which festival the money took from you I'm encouraging Joe to do voices. This is good. This is a breakthrough underrated voices great Great mr.. Orange reservoir dog we're not gonna. We're not gonna challenge Bobby. We're just letting him Oh, what the, what the, don't challenge me! That was good. No challenge! I thought I was calling in a Chinese food order. Can I tell you what's wrong with collaborating with you three men who are so talented and so funny and so handsome?

That's not what you told Mark. What are you talking about? I'm just kidding. I think you're all handsome and talented and brilliant and I'm grateful to be working with you. Here comes the kicker. It's all catastrophe with you guys. What are you talking about? There's no dialogue. It're all, it's all catastrophe with you guys. There's no dialogue.

It's all fucking, I said this in the text. You're fucked. Me and Joe, we're the only ones, we're talking business. We're back and forth. I'm trying to come up with ways to grow the show. Thank you. On the show. They don't even fucking, they don't even respond.

And then we say we're not having, I don't have time for any today. Neither. I'm fucking talking. Neither one of you. I talk to you all the time. But this energy. Listen to this. Everyone bring it down. That's what I'm saying. We're being having, I don't have time for me today. Neither. I fucking talk to you. Neither one of you. I talk to you all the time. But this energy. And I had a meeting with. Listen to this.

Everyone bring it down. That's what I'm saying. We're being crazy right now. That's what I'm saying. And. And. Cool as a cucumber. I had a meeting with family. Cucumber Dan, new name.

This is why, you don't listen. You don't fucking listen. I don't like you. Yeah, I don't like you. I don't like you either. I don't like. I don't like you. And I'm gonna tell you right now,

the reason I don't respond to your fucking Instagram rise and grind Is because I get a long test message. It's like things are about to change. No, there's a new day coming 30 in the morning It's a button and then gets mad that we're not responding His Adderall fucking brain is going nuts. I don't think Adderall, don't say that. Whatever. That was one of my favorite texts from Lewis.

We were doing the regs live. I get a text literally Saturday at 10.25 PM, what do the numbers look like for our show? So naturally I ignore it, I'm working. Then the next day is Sunday. Is that me? I texted at 10. Is that me? Monday he texts, hey I asked for the numbers haven't got a response. I'm like yeah you texted on Saturday night at 10 p.m. you psychopath. I'm not emailing my agent on Sunday.

Two days later I respond and say hey I haven't gotten a response yet. That's not crazy. That's above board. You say that's an 18 year old girl with a thummer mouth. I never got a response. Why would you get a response? It was a business text on Saturday night. Why would you get a response from us? Everyone stop talking over each other. What is going on today? We're all fucking happy to be here.

We're all fucking happy. You know what's crazy is I'm being the best right now and I'm usually the worst. Let the record show. Wow, someone passed himself on the back. You're goddamn right, because no one else will. Bobby, you're being aggressive with everyone today. I am not, I love Joe.

I love you. Fucking love him rec, because no one else will. Bobby, you're being aggressive with everyone today. I am not, I love Joe. I love you. I fucking love him. But there's no regular dialogue. Regular dialogue. Reg's what it is. I love you the most. Are you stalking over me? I did, I did.

But I love you. Let's just be cool. By the way, Louis CK said he would do the podcast down the road, that's gonna be huge. I know it down the road. Pong is down the road, somebody else's podcast. It's not the podcast down the road. That's gonna be huge. Oh, I know what down the road is. The podcast down the road is somebody else's podcast. It's not the Grizzly Bear. What hit show is that?

So funny. You go, dude, I fucking saw Louis down the street doing another podcast. So he's gonna come on this show and deal with our antics. That's right. Okay. I think I'm comfortable enough with Louis now that I'll bust his balls.

Like, you're a faggot, you're a fucking. No, Louis will just be a nervous quiet Idiot he likes Louie so much That's what he said oh he did say that He said that you're gonna be a I am gonna be did you mention that I'm on the show though. I'm gonna be desperate for approval Why don't we try because I always am why don't we talk about how good? Why don't we talk about how good Story Wars was? It was very fun that episode.

Legendary. When does that come out? It was so fun. When did we leave? Tonight? It was so fun that when I left I was like, what? Me and Joe were like, what a game. Don't blow it.

And we made the tiebreaker at the end. What a game. Let me tell you something. What a game. Let me tell you something. I've felt good all week. You should. There's something weird about this fucking dumb game

that makes you care. Can I tell you right now? Because you sit down and you're like, yeah, what's up? All right, I'm gonna get fucked. The podcast, who gives a shit. All of a sudden. Within five minutes, you give a fuck.

You're like fucking. And I had a technique, why? This is coming out. I had a technique. Well, if you go back on, you fucking don't wanna give away your strategy. Well, I don't think. Why? This is coming out. I had a technique. Well, if you go back on, you fucking don't wanna give away your strategy. Well, I don't think that situation's ever gonna arise again. What was the situation?

Where it was overtime. No, overtime's happened three times or so. Where someone came back from that deficit on the last question. Crazy. Last question. And I'll tell you, someone that completely flipped his script, that was the highlight of the night for me,

was going from bottom all the way to the top because you guys all guessed wrong. Dan's a bottom. Pfft. This is what I don't understand. I thought we were talking game strategy. This is what I don't understand from Dan Soder. Hadn't you played before?

All your reactions were like you never played. What happened the first time you played? I know, but you're like this game is so fun. I can't believe how much fun this was. No, not at all. I was having fun the second time. It was more... But the first time it sounds like you were... The first time it was... Can I be a little honest? That's what I want from you. Be a lot honest.

I would be very honest. It was very clunky the first time they did it with you. It was early in the game. It was like the first one they recorded. Live. Live at least. And it was clunky and it just, it was Voss and Saglo and I think I understood the game better than they did. This was, we know each other. That might have been episode one. Yeah, we know each other so well

that this game was like very fun. It was beautiful. This was very, very fun. It was beautiful. I appreciate you guys coming on. It was the best one we've done. Can I tell you a story? Listen, I were leaving together

and we were talking about how much fun we had, and this fan was behind us, and he goes, can I tell you guys right now, hearing you guys talk about how much fun you have makes me enjoy that show so much more. Nice. Because I think they think we're like, what a great, like LA Comics.

It's like, this was a great concept, but it was fucking fun. It was really fun. New York Comics never bullshit. Ever. Can we not start a war? Why? The story. Well, we're winning we just blew him up Can we not bring up the East Coast West Coast rivalry again, please well now it's becoming Austin New York rivalry

Is it though is Austin? I'm trying to keep it going Do you want to create one I see dollar signs in that for me. Yeah, it was it was fun. It was I Felt fantastic. Yeah. A special night. Beautiful night. I mean, granted, we are, we are sort of spoiling it for all the people that watch it on YouTube, because it comes out the day after this on YouTube.

Well, that's terrible. It's just the Gas Digital people. Why, you said it was out. Well, it comes out on Gas Digital tonight. I do not want to believe that. What comes out, story always comes out on Gas Digital tonight. Tonight, and it comes out Thursday on everywhere else.

Well, yeah. Where's it more, is it more popular on everywhere else? Yeah, obviously. Yeah, obviously. I wish if I had that many subscribers to Gas Digital, I wouldn't talk to you guys anymore. I'd be outta here. He really wouldn't.

If Lewis, if Lewis is... The second he got open, the second he got money, he wouldn't answer texts. No. He would not show up. No. Oh, you guys, you guys are lucky that I didn't fucking, oh dude, a few days ago,

I knew Bitcoin was gonna zip right back up during the fucking inauguration today, and fucking I didn't put in more money. I should have put everything I had into it. Oh, did it? If you would have crashed. Did you get XRP? No.

If it would have crashed on you, that would have been the funniest. I still don't understand zipcoin. Zipcoin. What's it called again? Crypto? Crypto coin. What is, I don't get it. It's going down again now. It'scoin. What's it called again? Crypto? Crypto coin. What is, I don't get it.

It's going down again now. It's down. Well, it's not down. It's up. It was at 89,000 last week. Did you put your whole house into it? No, this fucking asshole, which actually wanted to be good,

he took my phone one day and just bought $1,000 worth of Bitcoin on my phone. Yeah. Just without asking him? Without asking. Well, he was fucking, he was doing stupid shit. I was like, give me your phone, you dumbass. He took all my stuff and then took money on it.

Lewis? That's like a chimp with a gun. With your phone? Easy, Dan. You know what I mean. They're gone now that Trump's in. Chicago? Yeah, I don't know if you know this. He's sworn in. I could say whatever I want. By the way, Governor Hockle, more cops from 9pm to 5am.

Two cops on every train or some shit. In New York? That's right. Imagine riding the train. What is this? What? What just happened? The subway's a very efficient mode of,

I wouldn't, I haven't been on the subway since before the pandemic. Yeah, and the subway's happy that you're not there. Doesn't sound very real ass. So, you're gonna have two cops on every train? Not every train, but more train, I don't know, some bullshit. Oh, I'm fuckin' A.

Before. You buying $1,000 worth of crypto should have been a friendship ender. No, it was fun. He made money on it. It hurt. I had to go home and go, Don, Lewis made me. Lewis made me buy crypto,

because you can't, I'm guessing you can't just get it back. This one was funny. She was like, why did he do that? She laughed. And so I was like, it's pretty funny. Because you can't like buy it and then go like, I was just kidding, refund. No you can't, you just lose the transaction fee.

How much is the transaction? $7,000. You know nothing, you're like a child. Do you think I pay someone much smarter than me to handle my money? You fucking idiot. You serious Dan? Well if you did, maybe he would have bought

some Bitcoin for you. Don't worry, I don't got that fucking or just some shit. I Got some investments. I was good That's what it's oh dude, I know you shouldn't read the comments I went through the comments 40% Joe had the best elephant out of every single person Like 25 hours are different usernames 25,000 people said you had the best elephant out of every single person. No, fuck it. It was like 25,000. Was Joe under different usernames? 25,000 people said you had a good, better elephant? You're damn right.

Everybody, they're like, they were fucking gaslighting you. Your elephant's unbelievable. It's perfect. It kept getting better. Bobby's elephant stunk. It sounded like a balloon. I knew I was on to you guys. We just can't do this

One hour of noisy it would be the funniest way to take a podcast It's just every episode to 40 minutes of who's got a little he's like I listen to the podcast I'm not going on that no he wouldn't come on. What if he had a great elephant? Oh, dude, what if Louie had the best elephant of all it's amazing Well, you know what you have have stocks though. You have a bunch of stocks. I mean, yeah. Retirement. Yes. Yes.

Stock jokes. Thank you for saving me. You guys just want to go in the other room and fuck it out real quick? What's up? You guys just want to come in each other's butts? That's how you save money on taxes every year. I went to Montreal this past weekend for the first time. I'm going next week.

I know I heard people, all the people that are on my Ottawa show are like, we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're going to see Joe and we're money on taxes every year. I went to Montreal this past weekend for the first time. I'm going next week. Since the festival.

I know I heard people, all the people that are on my Ottawa show are like, we're going to see Joe in Montreal next week. Wait, since what about? Maybe since JFL. I don't know if I've been back since JFL. Oh, Titty Bar? I always remember Big J's joke about you

not being able to get up there and then your little thing of weed. What was his joke? I make my cologne. I put senses in there. So I didn't know you could go up there. And then I remember. No, no, no, I had issues getting in to the country

for a while because of Big Jay. Did I ever tell you guys this story? Is he not supposed to bring animals into the country? Party animals. Pfft. That's the best elephant I've ever heard. My whole thing now is just gonna be how good other people's elephants are.

Knowing that Joe waited through the swamp of the comments to find stuff. Our comments are pretty positive, honestly. What a fucking loser. He goes, look, I found it, it's all down here. He's just so out there, he got the change. No, Big J, one time we all went up to Montreal, it was me, Big J, Dave, we were gonna open for

Dave Attellan to theater and Rebecca Trent was driving us in a fucking shitty, dirty van. Shout out to shitty dirty van shut out that same trip in that same van yeah yeah so she's used to be hot so hey just clapping to my point I agree. Move on. That was the English. I should. So, uh, no, we all agree because every time you go through the border, they like, they stop you and if you tell them you're working, they pull you to the side when you're driving in. So we all agree. We weren't going to say we were working. We were like, Rebecca owns a fucking comedy club. We all work there as like, like I was like the bar back. Dave was the bartender. You guys gave each other back story. You're the sassy bar back and Jay was

supposed to be the chef and we were all like, we're absolutely looks like a taco chef too. Yeah. So we go peanut butter on a, a sawed a taco should have worked. We said we were going to, we were going to the dark comedy festival, Rob Bay's comedy festival. This is the whole backstory. All we're going to do is just go in. We're visiting for the weekend. We're hanging out. We're going gonna go watch some comedy shows. So the guy, the border agent comes around,

he's like, oh, what are you guys doing? And they ask us what we do. And we're like, yeah, we're gonna do the comedy festival. I was like, yeah, I'm a bar back. Dave's like, I'm a bartender. She's like, I own the bar. They go to Jay, he's like, I'm a comedian. I'm like, what are you doing?

Why would you say that? He just couldn't, his ego couldn't let go. It's so funny. Excuse me, sir, why are you coming to Canada? He goes, change the lives of people through jokes. So then they go, they were like, wait a minute, you said you're not. But these other Mexicans are your friends?

They're like, they said you're not going to perform though. And he goes, and he goes, here's a girl. Well, you know, I may jump on stage. Like literally, he bails on the whole plan. Bails on the whole plan. That's so funny. So then, then. It's the most comic shit in the world.

No, then they have a screen. They have a computer screen. They were like, you're going to maybe jump on it. They turn the screen. Headliner, Big Jay Okerson at the Dark Comedy Festival. They're like, get out of the car, all of you, right now. They bring us in, and then they look up my record, and I had been arrested for smoking weed multiple times.

No. Yeah. I remember this, I love this story. So they literally wouldn't let me come into the country. I had to take a train back by themselves, by myself for eight hours while they all got to go open for David Tell at a theater. And I just fucking-

It's so funny. And Mr. Oakeson, why are you here? Fuck shit up. Kick ass, take names. You remember the Treasurer story? I'm all out of bubble gum, you said it wrong. When he went to Montreal for the festival, they turned him back, they stopped him at the border,

and she's reading his stuff and she went, rip. Yeah, it was a statutory way. You have on your record. He didn't even say anything to her, he just turned his car around and went home. That's so funny. You are guilty of a rip. He just went home and said, I ain't going. That's so fucking funny.

Fucking great. Yeah, good times. It's a great Marin episode. Yeah. Patrice. Yeah. Perfect. But you're back in.

Yeah, so now for years, because they turned me around, they wouldn't, like every time I went to Canada, every time they would take me into an office, a full hour, two hours of just like, you know, whatever, me waiting, they really make you wait just to test your patience. And the past two times I went to Canada, straight through. What they do is they give you, when you're going through customs,

they put an X over your face and they're like, go ahead, and you're like, I know what this means. I'm in trouble. Am I in trouble? Please go. I mean, every year I would go to Canada, they would take me into this room. And the past two times, I did not go to a sex club. You go to strip clubs there.

They do a lot of strip clubs. Joe, listen, I had possibly one of my favorite moments ever at a strip club in Montreal. Oh, my God, we couldn't stop kissing. French kissing. We couldn't stop kissing, and they'd go, you aren't even in the club yet? And I went, leave me alone.

You little homosexuals. You two little gay boys. What? Okay, you aren't even in the club. Yeah. Leave me alone. You little homosexual. You two little gay boys. Okay. I don't know where that needed to be in there for Asians in Montreal. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But they have French accents and then you have a China town.

It's a great China town. I love to eat. I love to eat cat. Oh, the sheen is so terrific. What's the story? I don't even's the story? I don't even remember the story. We went to a lunch buffet at Super Sex.

Oh yeah, yeah. And Joe List, when Joe drank, Joe was a glue guy. He was the guy in the locker room that would- I'm still the glue. Yeah, well, you know, it's dried out a little bit. Now you pick it off your hand. But it was a thing where like, he was like, we're going to the strip club.

It was me, him, and Phil Hanley, and I think Greg Stone. And we went and strip clubs for lunch, they get no business, so they're all about you. They do when I'm in town. So that's what I mean. So like the strippers were coming over and being like, do you need to dance? And we're still drinking, so we're drinking beer.

How are you going to fit the food in that tiny mouth? Monsieur, it's impossible for you to eat. You must only eat french fries one at a time. The women have asked me to come over here, strike a deal. They will dance for you if they can watch you eat. Oui? One french fry. Ah, fucking, that's a little weird, but sure.

They go, oh, like a lock jam. One, two, three, four. They're all standing around watching Joe, Putin. Do not put a big enough cheese on it, he will choke. You must make the cheese melt. Your mouth, it's dangerous. Your mouth looks like my butthole. It's about this wide.

But we went during the day, drank beers all day, had fucking lap dances. It was the best time I had that later, that weekend in the festival. I was like, we're going to Super Sex, and I went on like a Saturday night, and the dancers treated you like shit. They were like, get out, but they were way hotter. So where are you performing?

In Montelieu? I don't know. There's a cigar bar. I should know. There's only one in the entire city, and there's a comedy club upstairs from it. That's where I perform, a little tiny comedy club called Third Floor Comedy Club. But downstairs, I think it's called Stoegies. They love comics, dude.

I'll set you up with the guy who owns the comedy club. They fucking hooked me up the entire night. They give you free cigars? Free cigars. What? Cigars in Canada. They're expensive. 50% tax on cigars. Yeah, they're expensivears So a $20 cigar is like fucking 45 bucks. We should do the rigs in fucking Montreal

We should go up to Montreal and fucking do it. I'm doing do a fair 80 cedar Fairmont Queen Elizabeth, let's lose money It's a 280 seat that's a that's a sizable one It's a 280 seat. That's a sizeable one. Hold out, we added a second show. That theater is literally combined bigger than all four shows they did at the third floor. Yeah, I'm excited.

Where is it again? I don't know, Montreal. Montreal, Montreal. Vermont, Fairmont. Wait, I probably have an address here. But you had fun? It was fucking awesome, dude. Ottawa, Ottawa's the hottest crowd I've performed in front of in years.

That's what everyone says for years. Ottawa's cra- Dude, the crowd- That's the capital. Dude, I got a standing ovation. It was fucking wild. Do you think it's because people don't go there? They didn't have seats. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know what feed they're getting.

They're getting the UN feed where it's fucking translated. Oh, fuck, dude. That was great, dude. I fucking ate great food, went to a beautiful French restaurant. I mean, just really good. What a fun time. What a great... Dude, I haven't been to Montreal since I had any money at all.

So I was in Montreal for the festival. It's like you go with Big Jay and we're like, yeah, the food in Montreal sucks just because we were eating fucking like dominoes in the room. Expectations every day. Yeah. Expectations, I forgot about that place. I like that place. Expectations.

That's so sad the festival's gone. It's back. It's back this year, but nobody gives a shit about it. It's back this year. I love that. They did it one year, but they did some, it was very alternative, it was very, you know, because they always had the alternative weird shit,

the guy with the tape on his mouth, and everybody was like, oh, this is the guy. And then they had us come up, and we were. He's not alternative, tape pace is like, he has a Vegas act now, he's multimillionaire, he's huge. He did America's Got Talent, he won. Really? Yeah. Yeah, the last week would be like,

here's American comedy. Yeah, and the nasty show. I went when they had the nasty show first, that was all they had the first week, was just the nasty show. Attell, Louis, DePaulo, Jim Jeffries and me. It was a crazy show. And then they would have the festival come in the next week

would be the gala shit, but then they just mixed it. And then they started doing all these things, like dating show, the fucking Arab show, they went too far. I never got to do a gala, did you ever do a gala? Oh God no, are you kidding? Wait, what's gala? Wait, maybe I did.

In the big room, the big. No, I never did that. I did like my own show. I bought so bad at the gala one year. My first year when I did the nasty show, I mean, the best shows of my life being on, I got in a fight with DePaulo the first show though, because you know DePaulo, he's always fucking with you,

and he was hosting, and he came off, he goes, I killed, I'm on the show with these guys, I kill. And I'm like, oh, this is, then you get, and as he's walking up, he goes, you fucking killed, where'd you steal those jokes? And I went, fucking, and I came off, Louis looks around, that fucking cocksucker, motherfucker's always got something negative to say.

And Louis was like, what? He went up and talked to me, he goes, no dude, he thought you did great, he's always got something negative to say. And Louie was like, what? He went up and talked to me. He goes, no dude, he thought you did great. He was just complimenting you. Just busting your balls. Just busting my balls. I took it way too far. He's literally just busting your balls.

I'm in the back waiting for him to come back. I was gonna fight him, I wanted to fight him. Apollo's like all casually like, hey, good set. Yeah, okay, where'd you fucking steal those? And then he's like, you fucking. Yeah, I took it way too far. That's so funny. But I'm sure it was Joe Pesci when like, you know who? Fuck it. Yeah, I took it way too far. That's so funny. It turns into Joe Pesci when he's angry.

What the fuck just happened? I had the gala the next week and I was so nervous. Whose gala was it? Was it just like one of those ones? It was just a big gala, but this one, Kevin Hart. He had a gallon of ice cream. There you go. I think it's right there.

No, it was the truth. It was the truth. It wasn't a joke. You had a gallon of ice cream. No, that was a joke. That was a joke. That's when a joke is so bad, it becomes the truth. Well, I just joke. You had a gallon of ice cream. That was a joke. That was a joke. That's when a joke is so bad it becomes the truth. Well, I just figured I tried it.

So they had us practicing on sets. They're like, you can't swear. You can't do anything. You can't say anything dirty. And I'm panicking because I just did the nasty show. Now I'm going to do this. And I go on stage. I do clean. It's going mediocre. Kevin Hart goes up. it's all about shit,

taking a shit, his kid's shit, fuck shit, fucking motherfuckers shit. To be fair, he does look like an actual piece of shit. And, I liked it. And he, I go like this. He's black and small, Joe. I go like this to the lady next to me, Comedy Central lady, I go,

I thought you couldn't swear, he goes, he's cute when he does it, that's what she said. So then I'm panicking, Matt Frost, he goes, dude, you gotta look good, I'm like, what? He goes, you gotta wear a suit. I go, I don't wear a suit, he goes, dude, trust me, it's the gala, wear a suit. I went and took all the money I made from the festival,

had a custom suit made in that stupid mall that didn't fit, because I was fat as fuck. And also probably the Euro cut it or whatever. I don't know what it was. And I go there on the suit and I go out and I had this joke where I have to, like I say the joke and then I walk that way. Yeah.

And then you come back. So I do, I'm bombing, I'm fucking bombing. And then I do this joke and I, bleh, bleh, bleh, all loud and shit. And then I'm walking that way and I'm muttering to myself like I'm walking down a long hallway. And I had a, I remember walking back to the front was deafening.

I just had to walk back to silence. You could hear my fucking shoes, my dress shoes clicking. And then, of course, shit, Kevin Hart shows up, ripped jeans, a fucking necklace. He looks like he's fucking doing a rap album. He looks fantastic. Goes out and murders.

And then I walk off, I'm fucking, well, I'm blotchy, because I'm fucking. And Matt walks up and he goes, you look good. That's a good agent. That walk back to the microphone where it's just the squeaking of your shoes, like you're gonna play an instrument. Steve Byrne did that.

You guys remember Beaches Comedy Madhouse? Did you guys ever do that? did that. You guys remember Beecher's Comedy Madhouse? Did you guys ever do that? Did you just throw four words together? Beecher's Comedy Madhouse. They moved it to Vegas. It was in New York in the beginning. It was in New York in the beginning, and then he moved it to Vegas at the Hard Rock,

when the Hard Rock was the shit, and it was Saturday night, you had to do 15 minutes, but it was just, dude, like Paris Hilton was in the crowd, fucking Britney Spears, they had a hooker table, a stripper table. They were sitting at that table. The hooker table next to the stripper table, you're like, it's Crips and Bloods,

they'll fucking get into it. 2500 people, it was fucking crazy. And they had all these sideshow bullshit, you had to go up and they had two comics in the middle and at the end, and you had a follow, it was just a fucking shit gig. But a couple, I could do it, Sher I could do it Chirag could do it Steve Burns could do it Dove. I saw Billy Burr bomb. I've seen

Norton took a hot one. I mean some of the greatest have taken and then he married him And I was good almost enough to get that revoked Steve Steve bird had this thing where he goes how you guys doing over here? How you guys doing over here? Yeah. How you guys doing over here? Yeah. Not as good as this. Yeah.

What about this? Yeah. What about this? Yeah. So he did the hackiest thing possible. Here. Hack, create, the place is going fucking ballistic. And then he got so excited with his thing that he did,

he ran into the crowd all the way to the back. To do what? I don't know, but he had to walk back to silence. Sure. You didn't bring the microphone with him? And then he had to roll back up on stage because the stage was too high. So he had to kind of jump up and roll to just silence.

Into a premise. You guys, what's up? You guys ever have your window down at the drive through and you don't realize your window's down? And everyone's like. I don't know why this festival died. What's your? All right, what's up everybody?

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Never done it. I mean I've done a corporate gig. Oh wait, I had a big bomb recently. Let me think, you might have to come back to me. I know I have a recent and I have an all-timer. Please. I have a couple all-timers. I was like, a little over a year ago at the cellar, I had this like joke that I really liked

that I was like, I'm gonna do this joke about. Is it doing good now or is it still bombing? With the joke, I put it out on a special. It was just about, I think I would accidentally open the door for a mass shooter just because I want to be liked and it's like like it but I was I wasn't doing well and I did act out where you like like push a door open and then it just got nothing I'll do we do an act out you have to just give up on act out this guy to the right, it was at the cellar, it was downstairs, this guy to the right just goes,

it's not funny, like that, like during the act out. And I went like, all right, and it's trying to go into another bit, and then it was such shit. But then I went out into the hallway and one of the waiters came out of the hallway and he goes, dude, that was impressive. And I was like, what?

He goes, you fucking hate it. It was zero. But the worst bomb of my life was open mic in Tucson, Arizona at Laughs. I still remember it. It was like maybe my fifth open mic and we got three minutes and I just did a minute and a half of like premise openings

but never going anywhere. So I was like, do you guys ever have a roommate that like leave the TV on? going anywhere so I was like, can you guys ever have a roommate that, like, um, like leave the TV on? Um, I went on a date with a girl,

and I just went, I don't know, and I got off stage, and it was, I looked at, this was before smartphones, so I had like an actual recorder, and it was a minute in 14 seconds. Wow.

And I was like, dude, I didn't even do half the time. You should do it on Kill Tony. Dude, it fucking, it was, it stuck in my mind for the rest, I mean, still to this day. I still remember that. Oh, it's making me so happy. I bombed in front of like, my, I used to have a crush on my friend's older sister, Liz Green. Shout out Liz Green. Still hot to this day.

Hey Lizzy! Same initials. She's like 50. But she, yeah, I had such a crush on her and I went back to the day when we used to sell tickets for a laugh lounge downtown. I invited her and other friends out and dude, I was just, it's not even the biggest bomb,

it was just the worst I've ever felt bombing. I'm just eating my dick off, just doing horse shit. I'm like two years in comedy just like not doing good at all. I look down and I see her and she just she like looked down like she wasn't paying attention. Oh like you're being beaten and she can't watch it. She goes please end this before I look back. Her reaction was like like she wasn't in the room. She was trying to act like she didn't know I was there. Dude, it did it hurt so badly. I'll never forget the look on her face of looking away from me and just like not trying to make eye contact. When they shun you. Well sitting through

someone else's bomb is as hard as bombing. Being in the room. I love it. Oh a friend bombing room. I had that in Montreal with Nate. I opened up for Nate Bargatze, and I don't know why I was so cocky, but it was gonna be Graham K, then me, then Nate, and Graham's about to go up, I'm like, I fucking learned from you, asshole, so I'm like, dude, I hope I can go to Graham, like, I hope you fucking eat a dick, you pussy.

I'm just being an asshole to Graham for no reason at all. Is that what we did? That it, oh yeah. And then, that what we did? Yeah, dude. Oh yeah. And then, yeah, we learned it by watching you. So Graham goes up. We were fucking horrible to each other for a while. Graham goes up and fucking levels, dude.

He levels. Canadian in Canada. Dude, then I go up, I go up, I'm talking about fucking crickets. It was such a hot one, dude, and I just hear Nate and Graham laughing in the background at me. Oh, it was brutal.

I had, I did, Mike Cannon used to have this like show at a cool restaurant in the Lower East Side and I was on it with Michael Che and I bombed so hard but I could just hear Che in the background laughing every time. Because he knew which were punch lines when they would just completely miss. You just hear him go.

And you'd be like. There's nothing better. We never, when we were sitting at the cell that we wouldn't go downstairs and watch each other sit and listen. If somebody was bombing, you'd be like, dude, no one's bombing right now. And we'd all run downstairs and just sit in the hallway.

That was like the fire, that was the fire call. We did that to Steve one night too, Steve Byrne. We all sat in the front row. Is Steve Payne gonna mention him on the show so much? Yeah, what's going on? You guys in business? But I'm splitting it with you guys. 25 bucks each.

Maybe, maybe. 25 bucks each. We'll see. But he owns Punch Up, doesn't he? Co-owns something? I don't think so. No, he's just involved with them. I don't think he owns it, no.

So is it all just, what's his toes? Yeah, Danny. Well, I think there's investors in it. Oh, this is him and investors. Yeah, Bauman's a bad fucking. You ever have a joke where you didn't give up on it I think there's investors in it. This is him and investors. Yeah, Bauman's a bad fucking. You ever have a joke where you didn't give up on it that you still have that just won't work?

I'm doing that right now. There's one that, like, it hasn't gotten a laugh yet. What is it, what is it? That's a crazy return policy. That you just go like, talk about how, yeah, this is the right, this is the right area to work it out. Sometimes you can't give it up. Because there's something there. There's a belief. You go like, I, this is the right, this is the right area to work it out. Sometimes you can't give it up.

Cause there's something there. Cause there's a belief. You go like, I think this is funny. Well, and if people change, like culture changes, maybe it will work at some point. It'll catch on. No, it's about how, what's it called, when I use, when Beatrice and Eddie got together,

I went to go use their computer and uh. Oh, I like this premise. I went to go use her computer. And, uh. Oh, I like this premise. I know this premise. I went to go Google, like, I typed in how to, and it autofilled how to stop squirting and gushing during sex. That's a good joke, I like that.

Yeah, no, no, no, that part's kind of funny, but the end punch line isn't, and I just gotta give up on it. I was like, I know it was him too, because black guys love gushers. Ha ha ha. They're gonna go gushers, hot Cheetos, come on guys, you get it right? Gushers is like the candy.

I need you to listen. Because nobody knows what gushers are. I know, they definitely don't know in Canada what gushers are. This is a form of food that only black people like. I understood from the context, but... I understand you are a jealous lover, but this is no way to mock the black people. I don't think I get a gushers as a candy, but black people just eat candy Well, they buy them they buy individual gusher packets. It's kind of a ghetto candy, brother Oh, I love gushers who doesn't who doesn't want to take in fight people evidently coming in their mouths when they eat candy

Don't be that way. It's nothing gay, dude my mouth I just remembered Sarah and I did that corporate gig at Disney like two years ago. And it was at Disney World. And it was like upstairs in the hotel. It was like their big annual event. And it was off season.

So the only people in the hotel were the company. Oh, I thought off duty Mickey Mouse's. No, no, it was like the higher upy Sioux people. But they were like hanging out with us. they were all excited and they were like it was like a gay guy and a woman they were like you guys need drinks and food we're so excited we love comedy we watched your thing it was great and they just kept coming back in and bringing us desserts anything you guys need and they were all excited and then Sarah went up and was like bombing and what again like

you have you always have that thing of like well well, she's bombing, but I'm just- I can fix it. Don't worry, I'm gonna come up there, I'll have a couple lines and it'll be fine for me. And it was like 50 minutes of just fucking silence and having people started talking and talking. Losing the room, losing the room is- Losing the room to just chatter.

To just, hey, I'd rather talk to you about the weather outside. Is this a corporate gig? Yeah, corporate, losing the rather talk to you about the weather outside. Is this a corporate gig? Yeah, corporate Disney. Losing the corporate gig is the worst. Well, all my worst gigs are corporate gigs. And then there was fireworks, because there's nightly fireworks at Disney,

and they started going out. They went a month early to get you the fuck off. So I was bombing in front of fireworks, and then afterwards, nobody came back and spoke to us. We didn't talk to a single person after. But don't you prefer it that way? You do, but we're like, this is crazy, because they wanted to party with us they

Were hanging out we couldn't get rid of them and not a single person came back to be like oh Good try when your comedy makes people not like you It's also weird because the get it's like then they give you a check for $25,000 and not a single person smiled. Sorry about that. I Didn't mention the money. That's a corporate. Oh always bums people out. That was a couple years ago. Who does that? Well, that adds to the joke. I did Iowa State and-

Cyclones. Cyclones. You know, I saw Brock Purdy lead a walk-off field goal in the last second, but I didn't know he was Brock Purdy. Oh, back when he was, I mean, they won the Big 12 the year, or he went to the Big 12 championship the year he was born. Boring. Jesus Christ, boys.

So they put me in this haunted- Nice aside. Yeah. Should we do an Christ, boys. Oh, my God. So they put me in this haunted... Nice aside. Yeah. Should we do an hour on wrestling? I wouldn't mind. That was a great conversation. People loved it in the comments.

Loved it. Read that in the comments. The shows in the old student union or whatever. Shows in. But they had old hotel rooms above it that felt really haunted or whatever. And for some reason, my mom and I got into a screaming match about something. Like her and I rarely get in arguments. I was in such a fight with my mom,

and then I came downstairs and bombed so hard, and it's a college show, so you have to do 60. It's like you have to do the full hour. And just doing that full hour, and then no one talking to me and going back up to the room felt like a punishment. It felt like what I did to the universe but they punished me. I bombed opening for Nate at a college so badly that he had to write an apology letter for me. Really?

Really? What was the college? Well it's not that I bombed. I did well but I was dirty. He was like listen man just be clean. And I was like I'll be clean. I just took out the word fuck. But I was like, anyway, have you ever been effing a bee in her poo? And they crave it. He did Winnie the Pooh clean. And then I like, I opened up, I was like, because I tried to do a couple clean jokes. I was like, you guys want to hear something dirty? And they're like, yeah, please. And Nate's like, man, you're not setting me up to do well. And then I, you know, did I did okay.

I did fine. But then like, literally, they were like, yeah, you're never going to be invited back here unless you apologize. He had to apologize for bringing me so far. He's like, I had no idea who he was. I thought he was DeClaude brought him in here, man. I didn't know he was going to eat up your cabinet. I also for Bob sagging at university in New Hampshire, like some say that's what killed him. Damn. Nice. And that was one of my all time bombs university in New Hampshire. It was like 3000 kids in the gymnasium. And I remember saying, I showed nice and that was one of my all-time bombs University, New Hampshire It was like 3,000 kids in the gymnasium and I remember saying I showed up I was like packed out you remember this yeah, and well first I showed up and there was like a line of it was like February in New Hampshire. It was like 12 degrees and there was a line of like a

Thousand people outside and I remember thinking like why is everyone outside? This is weird, and I went inside and they were like oh we had an issue with the fire marshal But we're gonna get them in soon and like, why is everyone outside? This is weird. And I went inside and they were like, oh, we had an issue with the fire marshal, but we're gonna get them in soon. But I'm like, so they're just sitting outside in the cold. Freeze. Already no good, shows delayed. We came in and it was my first big college gig.

And there was like a dressing room for me with like fruit and veggies and sandwiches. I remember I was like 22 years old. I was like, this is unbelievable. And they showed me the venue. It's like in the basketball court with the bleachers and I was like, I wish I brought a camera I'm so stupid. I never film an idiot. This is gonna be the best show of my life and then the show starts like an hour late and

Bob comes and says hello. He was great. And then they're like, okay, it's time and I'm walking up and it felt like a fucking 80s sports movie you could hear like You're getting louder and I get up there and it was like they were going say good and it was like the cliche thing literally the guy running it goes up he goes are you ready for Bob no no sorry for the delay we had a big fire marshal but we're ready now well first we have an opener do 20 minutes Joe less and they just started booing no, I swear to God immediately So I came out and I went well, all right. Well now I'm nervous cuz Bob sag it's sitting there

I know it's late. They hate me and I just fucking ate shit I think I was supposed to 25 at one point a guy yelled out. Hey, it bring out sag it. I was like that was pretty good Yeah, I love some I love a rhyme and that guy right now the CEO of Verizon and and I looked over can we make that a t-shirt on the new? Merch Get bring out sag it eating shit. I looked over and sag it was like doubled overlapped He was loving it and I was at like 17 minute little clock and I was like, can I be done? And they were like like he just I'm gonna I'm gonna leave well that's the thing about bombing you always want to be like can

we just wrap it up cuz I'm bummed you're bummed why am I doing the time who cares this just end the fucking thing You're not another coffee probably I'm tricking a black coffee. I'm okay. I don't need another one. But yeah, go get one. What does that mean? So it's eight degrees out pocket. Oh You just flipped you a quarter. I always throws it to somebody else. You need something, right? Because Lewis is that will be like fuck you go get a coffee. Lewis is that how I sound you? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, is that how I sound? Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on to your hold on Is that not how you think you sound is that is that how I sound to you? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, what? Is that how I sound to you? Wait, hold on, Lewis, hold on. Hold on to your hold on.

Is that not how you think you sound? Is that how I sound to you to me? Hold on, Lewis? Am I sounding to you to be like that? It'd be crazy to know Lewis in his head as he's like, "'Excuse me, good sir, may I please have another beverage?' Do you want coffee? I'll always have a coffee.

Just get another coffee. You don't need us to be in your life. Well, I don't wanna make him go for one drink. Well, I don't want to make him go for one drink. That's what they're there for, to go get us stuff. I'll take another medium black coffee. Paco, I'll have what I had. I don't want anything. You know what, the good.

Sorry, it's so cold outside, Paco. It's free. And he's an island person, so he feels the cold more. Yeah, but he dresses like an Eskimo. He's fine. You can't say Eskimo anymore, dude. No, you can't, Eskimo. No. Don't say the N word. What? I'm looking at you. Don't say the n-word while you're gone. You're a good producer.

Paco you're a good producer. He's got snow pants on. That's funny that he has to say that. Hey I know you voted for Manny Pacquiao as president of the Philippines. Just a grande. But I think you're a good producer. It's good for me. Hey guys, I love cigars. One of my favorite things to do. It's smoked cigars. I love cigars. Hey guys! Hey guys! I honestly, I don't have a great way to buy cigars. I live in a very nice part of town and there's a cigar shop.

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You want it, they got it. Small batch cigars. Back to the show. See you later Paco. Thank you Paco. That's mine. Whoa. Come on.

What? Now he's gonna run back in. Now my coffee's gonna be cold. It'd be fun if you just kept doing that and you couldn't leave. He just starts, come on. What with it? Okay now he's gonna run back in If you just kept doing that You shoveled this morning you woke up and shoveled yeah you salt before you shovel No, you like salt after you can salt the night before in order to know that's a that's a fucking that's a that's an old wives You know, what do you know the cold, growing up in Colorado? So you woke up and shoveled? Woke up and shoveled, yeah.

I had to get all the snow off my car. I didn't shovel, I just drove over. You're one of those. I had to get to the city. I flew this morning. Flew from where? Canada. Oh, Canada. That was fucked up.

I had to de-ice my arms. Come on, folks. What, you flew home this morning? Yeah, 6 a.m., 6 a.m. flight. Flew home-o. Hey, Joe, why don't you go outside for a bit? Whoosh! How about this, you wanna hear a story?

No. All right, fine. I wanna hear it. Wait, vote. Dan, you're the deciding factor. Do we wanna hear Joe's story? Give us a subject. This is a classic. How want to hear it. Wait, vote. Dan, you're the deciding factor. Do we want to hear Joe's story? Give us a subject. It's a classic.

Is it, how good is it though? Hold on. Unbelievable. A classic kudos. It's unbelievable. Unbelievable, classic. What's the subject? And Dan's going to vote whether we hear the story or not.

Travel miscue. Ooh, now here's the thing. I do love a travel miscue. But also, Joe's excitement for the show. I don't even know what travel miscue is. I never heard that word. I've never heard it in my life, but I'm interested. Joe, I vote yes.

Well, is it gonna be like an interrupt? Yes! Call me a fag. That's pretty story we just had. Tell the story, you fuck. Why are we gonna let you tell a story and we're gonna listen like fags? Yeah, sit around and go like,

then what happened? Thanks, Joe, for your story. We listened to Bob's story. It was crazy. What story? Bobby told two in a row. It was kind of crazy. He told a big old bomb story and then he went to another.

I didn't tell a bomb story. I didn't tell a bomb story. That's your new nickname, Bobby. I didn't, I, you told one, you told two. No, we're talking about before that. No, you inspired the bomb story. You were telling a bomb story. That's what I do. I'm going to I'm gonna and then I said what's your best bomb story based off your experience? You went to him and you and then you twice cuz you already told two bombs to tell us

We're coming back to you for a third story. I didn't tell a bomb story the squeaking of the sandals Yeah, the squeaky sandals what then Steve Burns squeaky? You just you told me Personal bombs you wore the suit you said what you Bobby you had the suit on As you approach the Bobby as you were fighting fighting fighting fighting as you approach the winter of your life We will be here to remind you I was at Montreal. No, no, no, no, no.

I had a suit. Paco didn't steal your war medal. If he starts seeing Patrice in the room, we need to start worrying. He goes, what are you doing here Patrice? Did I tell you about the time Patrice went to dinner? Uh, Joe, travel miscue. Okay. So here I am. What is miscue?

Well, that's the story. That's the category you've been voted for. When Paco comes back, I will tell him the episode needs to be titled, What is a miscue? What is a miscue? And don't get me started on a Mr. Q. Damn glad it's, he's already got it. Miss Q and Mr. Q.

I wish I could smack, if I was mean enough, smack your fucking hands. Okay, so last weekend I was in Kansas City, everybody knows that. I'm going there this weekend. I know, they kept saying your name, that's fun. I'm going there this week, how was the club? It's a fun club.

I've been there, it's good, it's a good club. Good room. Kansas City Comedy Club? Yeah, we'll talk more off stage. Great room. Great city, great people. So I fly out there. I got my friend, Matt Wayne. He's opening for me. I'm on the flight. I fly first class, Delta. Doesn't like when you bring people. Joe, what are you doing?

Doesn't like, you know what he's doing. He's trying to let people know that he's succeeding in life. Just be normal. Be one of the boys. They don't want to hear that. First class, $25,000. Bitcoin. I just threw it, jokingly put $1,000 into a stock. I'm making a million on Bitcoin. Yeah, also, maybe I should consider that. I bought a house with a pool.

Here I am with a pool. He rents. I do rent that house. Well, whatever. Not for long. Are you buying it? Probably not, I don't think I'm gonna buy that one. You're asking me to be a fake ass dude.

I sat in the middle seat in the back. Why? You have money. What the fuck is wrong with you, you piece of shit? Be like us. I don't fly first class. I got a business man. Dude, I'm Diamond. I'm Diamond.

I knew you were gonna say that. I'm Premier 1K. I'm Diamond. Diamond at Hilton. I'm a million mile member of Delta. Ooh, I'm almost there. I'm Premier 1K at United. That's okay, they gave you a pen.

I'll take a pen. It's pretty nice. Are you guys Diamond Hilton? Hilton, you buy your own hotels? Nice. Really? The silence said otherwise. Yeah, I was thinking about telling a story. All right, tell us your miscue. OK, I flew fucking on a shitty plane in a shitty seat. You fuck. Well, you know, it was an unnecessary detail.

Yeah, go ahead. How do you know? You know what the story's going? You're right. You're right. Maybe we needed to know you made $25,000 on a Disney gig and you were flying for a class at St. Nathan. That did hurt.

Go ahead. First of all, it's the one corporate gig I've ever done. I'm a filthy fucking idiot. You say you only bomb at corporate gigs. That means you've done a couple. You've done more than one. You're a liar. Well, Joe is a liar.

Joe is a liar. Joe is a liar. Joe is a liar. you've done a couple I've done a couple I do one a year maybe that's a lot that's one of you're the lock how many of you you've been doing comedy since the 70s one a year here at evening at the improv. You opened up for Sagin 22 years ago. Yeah, before Full House. It literally was 22 years ago. I know. You're a first class here, awesome. You have a lot of money in the bank. You live in the best neighborhood in the world. Yeah, go ahead, penthouse list. Yeah. Why don't you tell us about your heated bathroom floors again, you fucking ass. That's not even a high class thing. Bobby's so trashy, he thinks that's high class. High class to me. Bobby goes, dude, you ever have warm food? Buddy, let me tell you something. Fucking I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not the year was pathetic. No, it was actually kind of funny. I thought it was funny. I thought it was. It was a bit. Yes. Sorry.

Fuck is wrong with you. Sometimes I don't know. I'm funny toad. I don't know. Okay, I apologize. You're living the, you're living the gimmick. Ribbit.

Ribbit. Rub it. You're living the gimmick. My fucking headphones just went out. There you go. Joe List, you're flying first class. I wish I had. You're not even looking at the people in coach.

Yeah. We're flying. You, you, go ahead. It's a beautiful night. I had to fly out of JFK, which usually when you fly to Kansas City, you're out of LaGuardia, but for some reason I had to go to JFK. Your money manager fucked it up.

Yeah. I don't have a money manager. I do. You do? I'm hiring one. By the way, we gotta talk. Same guy? It's same firm. I'm hiring Lewis. Are you saying it's not good? No, it's unbelievable.

Oh, great. Why is it? It's 5%? Yeah. Yeah. Good job. For Joe, that's like a million dollars a year. For us, it's like $50.

We're just regular old guys. Yep. Dan makes the least. Just clocking in like a regular guy. You know, just hearing that. I remember. Me with my natural hairline. By Adam. Yep, yep, Dan makes the least. Just clocking in like a regular guy. You know, just hearing that. I remember.

Me with my natural hairline. By Adam. When I was hanging out at the beginning and I was, Jay Moore was there, I was sitting next to his money manager and I was like, dude, I'll hire you someday. I make a couple thousand, hundred thousand. I'm going to hire you. He goes, you're going to have to make a little more than that. That's not a lot of money.

I shouldn't even have tried. I should have tried. Then I landed safely and it was fine. The show was great. Great weekend of shows. How's that you fucking jackal? That is a travel animal. What is it? A travel faux pas? What was it again? Everybody just sat here. My body did his suit story. He was in a suit. We all just sat here. I can't even get, this is a classic! It's not a, it is a classic. It's a classic now, because of us! It's a classic.

Alright, sorry, there you are. That was the best. You're in private jet, you're in a private jet. Yes. You're counting your diamond collection. Yeah. You're doing phone calls of cash. You're looking at your Rolex on your left hand, but then you realize you have one on

your right. I do have a Rolex. You got a phone of cash here. Go ahead. Talking to your buddy. I land in Kansas City. You light your cigar with a hundred dollar bill. Go ahead. Go. I land. I don't have cigars. They won't fucking send me. I land in Kansas City. Meet up with my pal, Matt Wayne. We go get a car. I rented a car beautiful car Mitsubishi Mirage. Thank you. What if it wasn't really there was a mirage. God do you know. I don't know man. You know Raj. You took your finger in the butt. It was no cars, just like, run. We got it. Yeah.

We get in the Mirage, we pull out of the garage, in the Mirage. He's back. And it was a Mirage of traffic. Yes, Mirage Obama. So we drive over to the Cheesecake Factory, get some nice cheese. Love the cheese.

Love the Cheesecake Factory. I had the four cheese pasta with chicken, Caesar salad. You guys are such white chefs. Bread. Do you have the macaroni and cheese balls that used to be the appetizers? I don't know if they have them anymore. Is everything cheese at the Cheesecake Factory? Pretty much.

What a bunch of jerk-offs. You really are. Fucking Cheesecake Factory snakes. No, it's awesome. What are you, crazy? It's fake, nice. It's awful. Joe, you have the fucking taste buds of a four-year-old. Yeah, that's right. No, he's got four taste buds in that tiny mouth. I liked it.

Fuck. I got three buds who are mean and interrupt. Go ahead. Excuse me. Yeah, you're interrupting all the time. Yeah, don't try to fucking get out of it. All of a sudden you're on my side. Yeah, because you're talking about tuxedo cheesecake.

We call you that, the interrupting Dan. Yeah, I said it. Moo. That's not how I interrupt. I interrupt usually with a joke. Go ahead. So we land, we go to Cheesecake Factory. It's awesome, I had some gift cards.

That's all I got for Christmas. People know me. I mean, you're given a lot of details. I feel like where's the crux of this story? Because I'm waiting for you to cut me off and go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that's how this goes. People know me, ugh.

I land, I get to the hotel. You get a car, the garage. I jerk off, I take a shower, show's at seven, six o'clock. I can't wait to jerk off this weekend. I go, all right, I gotta get dressed for the big show. It's sold out, it's packed, I make tons of money, unzip my suitcase, flip it open. There's money. I see a novel.

No. I go, a novel? What the fuck? Someone must have put t s a maybe i don't read novels what am i a fucking fruit cup i take the novel it's from and hillibrand i throw that to the side is a pair of pink and blue folded up pajamas i go over there yours what the hell is that there are my his and hers but you know that i thought i got to say my god damn suitcase check the label the thing i got the wrong suitcase. You picked it up. You it's your fault. Well, here's the

thing. So I don't know what the fuck's going on. I go, how do I have the wrong? This is crazy because it's the exact same. Can you imagine the person who opened up Joe's suitcase full of money? They were like, Oh my God, it's thousands of dollars in Invisalign. Oh my God. I carried on. That's the thing. This isn't a checked bag. Normally. You took the Oh my god! It's thousands of dollars in Invisalign! Oh my god! I've carried on! That's the thing, this isn't a checked bag. You took it from the overhead. This is carry-on. You took it from the overhead.

Just the same bag, same bag. Same bag, what are the chances? I know, because every bag is black and looks the same? No, but this is the same exact Toomey fucking model. Do you not have a mark on it like a little tie or something? Well now that I look closer I see mine's missing the thing. There's a couple things but with a carry-on you're not thinking wrong bag. Grabbing it from the top. I look there's my perfect suitcase right where I put it. I grab it. I take it. I go back. Now what the

fuck? So someone must have the same bag in first class. So I call up the airport. I go hey I don't know what to do Maybe you can help me. I got the wrong bag Someone must have my bag and they go the best thing you can do is come back to the airport. I go Well, I got a show. I'm a comedian. I'm very famous So I'm not giving my bag unless I get my bag if I worst-case scenario. I'm keeping this fucking bag So now it's a it's a standby Mexican standoff or whatever So I call and I go they go I will see if we can help you and we'll let you know

Take you have anything valuable in your bag. I had my coat and it was 10 degrees and I had she have There was a guy shit Which by the way if you switch bags you wanted to be a woman so you can at least smell some panties or turn on or What was the pink stuff? It was a dude's pajama like an older guy It was like but it was so neat and perfectly put together and nice it's like Angus Young he finds his it's just like a little boy school outfit there was a workout too it was like a whole folded up workout like squats times ten curls whatever I thought about you know taking it send it to you well how did you get in touch with did the guy not have a so

that my thought what there's no tag no No, I went through the whole thing. There's no identification whatsoever So then I started checking social media because I thought they're gonna find me because I have all my QR shit, I'm made of money well, so finally after like 45 minutes like 645 I gotta head to the show, but I'm wearing dirty sweatpants 45 minutes, like 645, I gotta head to the show, but I'm wearing dirty sweatpants. You're wearing pink pajamas. Well, I thought about looking at the size

and being like, maybe I'll wear this guy's clothes, but I'm filthy, because I also have the baby who just spills and wipes his hands and shit, and so I'm covered in dirt and food and jizz and cum. Baby jizz? Well, baby is jizz. It's just like hardened jizz that came out of your wife. That's not. Congis-ed, congealed. That's not hardened jizz that came out of your wife. That's not.

Congis'd, congealed. That's not how jizz work. That means we're all jizz, so we're jizz also? Yeah, we're jizz. We're 50% jizz. This whole thing is jizz. God, I wanna swallow all of you. I'd rather echo all of your face in glasses.

That'd be nasty. What did you wear? So I wore the dirty sweatpants on stage and a sweatshirt. I had to come out and go hey, I lost my suitcase whatever I checked social media, and this is what I suspected on Instagram I got a message request I had to go to the hidden messages which aren't pretty most of them are just calling me a piece of shit I find one he goes hey, I think you have my parents luggage, so I go oh, this is we're on to something

I say absolutely I do they have he said I think you my parents have your luggage So I go I think they do too. I go, so I'm gonna drive back to the Kansas City airport after this, and this guy writes, Kansas City? No. They're in San Francisco. What? I go, San Francisco?

How? Oh, they had a layover? No, well, I thought that too, but I'm like, they can't have a layover in Kansas City Delta, because Kansas City's not a Delta hub. How did they? So then I was like, oh, so maybe the rental shuttle, we took a shuttle. They must've been on the shuttle and then they flew to San Francisco, but there's no layover in Kansas City. So I go, I don't

understand. How are they in San Francisco? Then he goes, here's her number. I call her. She's like, yeah, I don't understand. We're in San Francisco. You didn't fly to San Francisco. I realized we switched bags at security. No. We went through the security line at the same time. And now they have these new security system where it doesn't go in order. They shuffle them. You know what I'm talking about?

You push it and they just take it. One goes in, then three other bags come and then another bag comes. So this old guy grabbed- Say come one more time. My come, my face. This guy grabbed my suitcase. It was his fault well it's both fault I don't know but this is that this is the thing it's the

system's fault because I walked through the security yeah man my backpack comes through Trump Trump the my backpack comes through I put my backpack on the next bag that comes out is a black to me suitcase right after my backpack so I go whoop there it is I go, whoop, there it is. I would never, I would never check it. That would be that. Yes. I've never checked my carry on ever put a thing on your bag, but I have distinguishing factor. You should have your bag. Bring up a sag on your bag. If this guy's, this guy's bag right here. Excuse me. That's, that's yours?

But you know, is that your bag? You're sure about that? You only make sure of your bag when you've checked it. I don't do that. When you go to the carousel, that's when you double check your bag. I have a big blue thing on my bag. I don't understand how more people don't steal bags. Like every time I'm at an airport and when I'm at the, if I check my bag, I'm like, why

didn't people do that? Because most people aren't savages. No, but I feel like there's at least a couple. Yeah, most people don't look, how can I lift all this? Yeah, how can I steal all this? Hey, these are nice bags. What does that mean, you grab,

but here's the other thing, it's like, so you can come from the outside into the baggage carousel and just grab a bag. I saw a homeless guy get kicked out in I think it was like San Diego for doing that. He just fucking walked in and was like, I'm gonna grab. You used to have to check your bag, there'd be a guy there, you couldn't come in or out. LaGuardia used to have that. Dude, Newark, you could literally come in and was like, I'm gonna grab. You used to have to check your bag. There'd be a guy that you could come in or out. LaGuardia used to have that.

Yeah, Newark, you could literally come in from the street, walk up to the carousel, walk out with the bag. Nobody's going to know. Very often, the bags hit the carousel before the flight even gets there. That's right. Why are people doing? How are you going to get your stuff back? They're going to. So then so then Louis wants people to steal bags. I'm just saying do it.

But again, they've seen a spike in theft. But it's crazy that more people aren't just, I feel like that should be a massive problem. And you were on the shuttle and you grabbed his. No, no, no. You don't listen to him at all? No, not at all. As soon as we went.

You told the whole thing in detail. He goes, you've never done a gala? I did a gala. I did a gala. You go, one time I wore a suit. I wore a suit. I had a gala apple. A part was there. I Wore a suit I had a gal at was there fuck dude. No, it's through security. Did you go buy clothes? Well, that's the everything I'm wearing I bought and the thing was like a thousand dollars You bought dirty clothes. You bought a thousand dollars worth of shitty sports clothes No, I had to fucking ship the thing. So then ladies like well, we got a we had a ship off

We got to each ship the other person's thing then this is she was very sweet and very kind of very grateful But she was like yeah, I talked to you PS. They said it'd be about 200 bucks I'm like 200 buck what are you out of your mind to overnight a 30 pound suitcase? Yeah, that seems about right Sounds right. You're fucking crazy Six hundred bucks. Oh, you're saying more? Yes. Oh, yeah. More. So I went, she's like, we need it overnighted because they were in San, they live in New York. They were visiting San Francisco, visiting their son. He needed that book. He needed that novel. You're in the tenderland, cold, fucking homeless people are fucking doing

heroin around them. She goes, do you have that workout plan? I can tell you about it. She goes, I don't remember it. I don't remember it offhand. So I went to FedEx and I was like, Hey, I got to ship this bag overnight. And and they wait It was like a 32 pound bag. It was 600 bucks. So then they got to ship my bag back to me 600 bucks Yeah, well, it's 584. I have them 16 bucks They should have just taken the money from the suitcase of money to pay for the shipping still with that bit. Yeah You know what Joe, but the thing is so my bag is identifiable by a couple of crooks and kooks and nips. What? But it's missing the...

Crooks and kooks and nips. I didn't realize. I didn't know you fought in the Pacific. It's missing a thing and it has another piece. Don't worry about it. But this is the thing with carry-on, you're not expecting to get bags confused. And it came out right when it should have came out. That's why you have to get a purple bag.

It's true. I got a purple bag in my pants. Yeah. Woo. He's back, baby. Filled with cum. So then I had to go buy a bunch of clothes. And then I did want to buy a new suit

because I had to spend $600 on that and then buy all clothes. I'd buy underwear, socks, fucking pants. $600 is crazy. You guys both had to pay or how did that work? We each paid to ship the other bag. That sucks. Well, if they're shipping theirs overnight, why didn't they ship theirs overnight to Kansas city? So you get your suit. I ship mine to New York because I didn't want to risk just in case something went wrong. And now I got to fly home and my suitcase is now in Kansas city. If I was them, I would have thrown your suitcase off the Golden Gate bridge. Well, it's weird because we both went through each other's bags.

That's against the law. Yeah, you can't do that. Littering. You could have just left. It's like literally upsetting. You're not getting somewhere and not having a suitcase if you get just so mad and then defeated. I like it.

You do? Yeah. I've never had that happen. I've never lost my suitcase. Just get the new shit. You know, when checking it. But I've twice now, I've been with somebody that's lost their suitcase when it didn't come under the plane.

And it's, I have to deal with all of the fucking inconvenience of them having to get their bag back. I'm like, oh, I got mine. Why are you so fucking stupid? One time I flew from Vancouver down to San Francisco and I was like gonna go stay with my grandma before my gigs in like San Diego or something. And Air Canada.

First class? No, coach, like a working man. But I left my, I was. Does your money guy fly coach or does your money guy fly first class? I don't know, he's stealing all of my money. But I was flying and I was like, can I check this? And it was too big, and they're like, don't worry,

we're gonna check it down on the plane, Air Canada, in Vancouver, specifically, I remember this. And the lady put the little tag on it, she put it right next to the plane. I'm like, great, I get to San Francisco, no suitcase. I'm like, go to Air Canada's office or whatever, and they're Canadian, so they're just nice, and they go, you know, it turns out she left it just right there

I'm not I don't think that's fun And I at the time I didn't have a money manager I was like dead but I went to Target and had to buy clothes like that and I felt like oh man Target clothes are Very comfortable I was like, I'm fucking raw about shorts Yeah, I got him and I was like I'm fucking raw about shorts I got this it's great. I just got a good fucking selection. I went dicks. I was all Dicks is good. Yeah, we know you don't want there for a different reason

They have clothes here, but it is it's a shitty feeling like penises I'm sorry. You know, I meant no I wasn't saying that. Oh god. You guys really have a will they won't they? Where the salmon Diana You guys really have a will they won't they? We're the Sam and Diane of the. It's really odd to say it's Cliff and Norm over here, but you guys are Sam and Diane. The amount we fly and the amount it's crazy that this doesn't happen a lot more. The fact that you just, you can every weekend jump on a plane and have your shit there waiting for you is. That's why I never carry on. I'm always like, dude, big Jake, exclusively.

He has to, he hasively, he has to he has to ask to put his ocean lotions and potions is a bundles of ozempic yes You can't go through security with needles lotions potions and gels Yeah, but when you carry on it is nice just to have your stuff when you get off I fucking that's why yours is a nightmare situation as you go. I actually have a to me that's That's why yours is a nightmare situation as you go. I actually have a Toomey that's kind of illegal because it's wider than Greg. You fucking cunt.

So it fits in the overhead, but it's a little wider. And then there's someone like me who's like, there's no room up there for my bag. Dude, you know what turns me crazy? This happens a lot. People try to get ahead of you when getting off the flight. And they're just like, they're not respecting the fact that it's like that aisle, that aisle, that aisle.

This person, today an Asian guy tried to do it, I literally went, gush, and I fucking put my shoulder in front of him, I was like, wait, my son just. You made sound effects? Oh, gush, gush. And then he was like, pshh. Hi-ya! He went, so, now you think that you can,

so you think you can get ahead of me? Hey, excuse me, I understand I'm in aisle eight. You're in aisle five. Oh gosh, gosh, gosh. If someone did that to me, I'd go, get over here. My baby's just having heart surgery. I would try to think of something to fuck with you. I've done it in the back of the plane

where they're like, some people have to make a connecting flight. I never completely do that. And I was like, that's my opportunity. Then I'm like, I'm one of those people. I fucking pretend I'm making a plane. I think you're just downstairs waiting for a cab I hate when you get in when you get you're in the aisle seat it goes ding you get up and

Get you gonna get your bag and then somewhat you're in that space, but then they they weasel their way Into the space too, and they try to get their bag down and you're like dude This is I'm in the space. This is my space you have to wait my Smith's Facebook space too and they try to get their bag down and you're like dude what this is I'm in the space yeah this is my space you have to wait. This is Facebook. You were there. One time I had I like was late for a flight so my suitcase was like way behind me you know and I was like in I was in like row 15 but my suitcase is in

row like 32 yeah or whatever and I had a connecting flight, I think it was in Detroit, and one of the flight attendants saw me, like as we land, I unbuckled my seatbelt, she goes, don't do it, and I go. Like an old west. Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna do it, and she was like, don't do it, and then they were, ding!

I ran to the back. I'm like, I screwed into the back, and I was getting off, she was like, you did it. There was like a mutual respect, and I was like. We almost did. bag. And I was getting off, she was like, you did it. There was like a mutual respect and I was like. We almost. Meet me for a drink in Orlando. When me and Kim were dating, that happened. It wasn't even like, it wasn't that far back.

Maybe we were in like row 13 and there was no space above our heads so she had to put her bag in like row 17. Like nothing crazy. Just to the point where you could be like, hey, do you guys mind if I just grab my bag? And she did it, there was a black chick behind her. She's like, no, you go wait.

And then me and Kim were just Puerto Ricans. So then it turns into like- Just samba music starts playing. And you're like, lady, I think you just woke up a monster. You're not gonna lie. Dude, it was just, so it's Kim and this girl arguing, right, and fucking, she's like, yeah, fuck you, bitch. Kim's like, yeah, fuck you, you fucking,

Kim's a lunatic, or was, she's great now. Everything's above board. So they start arguing and almost fucking fighting, right? So then I'm just not letting my girl get fucking beat up by a black chick. Black guy hands you a cigarette that he's with and he goes, look at all the ladies, man. They ain't getting along. You smoke cools?

So then the girl pulls out her cell phone, she's So, uh, so then the girl like pulls out her cell phone. She's like, I grabbed the girl's cell phone. I just, oh, boy, down the hallway in the airport. She heard it go on the floor. Lewis is a nitro boost on a bad time. You go hit the nitrous security, try to like security came and me and Kim, like we literally were like, oh, fuck, we're gonna get arrested and get banned from this fucking airline, because you can't,

no, no, no, what happened? Who, did Kim spit in her face? Did I spit in the girl's face? Somebody spit in this girl's face, and then I threw her a phone. We basically jumped a woman, and then we were like, all right, we literally went, hey, you know what? I'll meet you at the taxi stand, let's trade jackets,

and fucking get lost in the crowd. Like Jason Bourne? Yeah, dude, we traded jackets, and fucking went in opposite directions cuz security was trying to go as identity And he goes, I don't remember what happened, but I woke up. I'm really good at pissing people off on airplanes Almost like I'm government Lewis. Lewis just grabbed a little cap off a kid's head I'm walking. Hello, good sir. Oh, hello. Hello. He only knows how to do Mrs. Downfire. I was in Montreal once and I was doing a gala.

Where are my pills? This is a good bit. Where are my pills? Let's do plugs because I got to pee real bad. All this coffee that Joe's making us drink is making me have to fucking pass. Like that with cum. I will. Louis Gomez is up first. Lewis J. Gomez. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com. Check out the Bring 5 Friends Tour. Come into a city near you. Also sign up to my email list right on the website. You could just sign up for it. I do a bonus podcast,

Just Solo podcast. Me, every Friday morning, 6 a.m. it comes out. But this weekend, North Charleston, South Carolina on Thursday, Naples, Florida on Friday, Saturday. Win Friday morning, 6 AM, it comes out. But this weekend, North Charleston, South Carolina on Thursday, Naples, Florida on Friday, Saturday. Winnipeg is coming up the first week of February. I got Wise Guys Salt Lake City at the end of February, and a bunch more stuff. Check out all my other podcasts, The Lewis and Zach Show, Story Wars, and obviously, The Legendary Legion of Skanks.

Oh, and I should say, I'm filming a special. Bobby Kelly is going gonna be directing it. July 12th, those tickets are on sale. It's at SideSplitters in Tampa. It's gonna be a blast. All the VIP and flu, there's only like maybe 20, 30 seats left per show, so get them early, because you won't be able to see the taping

unless you get them early. And also, if you guys wanna come to Skankfest, pre-sale January 29th, November 14th through 16th. We're going to New Orleans, brand new city, brand new location, we're doing so much crazy shit. The band that we're booking for the kickoff party is fucking incredible. Who is it? Can't say it's a cell is up there. Let's go fair. Will you tell us over? I'll tell you up there and I'll leak it on the next episode get those tickets January 29th 1 p.m Eastern is the pre sale you get tickets for cheaper and you get access to the pre to the pre party the kickoff party

So it's more for less. It's just the fucking absolute best. What, Bobby? What are you cackling for? I was nothing. I'm sorry. It was not. God, you really walked him down on this. When does this episode come out?

Wednesday. This Wednesday. Wednesday. It comes out Wednesday. I will be in rumors at Winnipeg January 30th through we only go to one show. I'm not gonna be there the week after. Well, don't worry.

They're all sold out except Thursday. So good tickets to see me Thursday Thursday and we hate to be in the city after dancer And then Huntsville, Alabama, I'm gonna be at levity live February 20th through the 22nd and then if you live in California Friday February 28th. I'm gonna be at the Balboa Theatre in San Diego. Saturday, March 1st, I will be at the United Theatre in Los Angeles. And then March 2nd, Palace of Performing Arts in San Francisco. All tickets are available, dansodor.com. Please go get them, listen to Sodor.

And thank you very much. I love you. There you go. Show list. This weekend, Sunnyvale, Rooster Teeth Feathers, my triumphant return to Rooster Teeth, fucking Feathers. I love that club. That club was out of commission for a little while.

It's great that it's back. And it's back. I'm happy it's back. Shut out, Sunnyvale. And then Houston, Texas, January 31st, February 1st. That's selling slow. Get in there with Houston. You're one of my main towns. What, you buying late?

You don't know about it? Houston, Texas, the secret group, January 31st, February 1st. Montreal, we talked about February 7th. We added a show. First show sold out. Coming back to Nashville, Smashville. Just kidding about everything I said about you guys. I was just kidding. March 7th and 8th at Zany's and then Tempe, one of my favorite places, Improv. And buy those tickets earlier. Last time I went to Tempe, they buy late. Yeah, they do. They're like 8, 14, and 20.

I was freaking out and then they all sold out. So buy them early so I don't have a fucking heart attack. Arizona's a dangerous state, so they need to know they're locked in before they go either fight the elements or the creatures that live there. Well, buy those tickets up, and then of course, April 19th,

the Wilberth Theater, that will sell out. That's one of three places they sell. So come to that, buy them early, and that's it. Go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. This weekend, I'm going to be in Kansas City at the Kansas City Comedy Club. That's the 23rd, 24th, and 25th. And then Batavia, Illinois at the Comedy Vault January, what is that? January 31st and the 1st, and then I'm over in Levittown at Governor's, love Levittown, and then I'm going to Naples

off the Hook Comedy Club February 14th and 15th. Very special guest making an appearance there. And if I said his name, it would just sell out now, which I should. Oh my God, God damn it. Ooey, ooey, PK. Might be there. Anyways, and then Philadelphia, the punch line

on the 21st through the 22nd. I'm going back to Denver, Dan. Hey! Back in the Comedy Works. I haven't worked there in eight years. Well, you were just talking about how you weren't there and now you're back. You're gonna fucking murder in there. I love that Roman Bl in eight years. Well, you were just talking about how you weren't there and now you're back. You're gonna fucking murder in there.

I love that Roman Blatch is bringing me back, but it sucks because Ari's at the other one. Oh, the same weekend? What is that, ComedyWorks South? Yeah. No, Bobby, you're at ComedyWorks South. No, he's at the other comedy. Oh, comedy, he's at the one downtown.

Yes, ma'am. ComedyWorks South is a good club. Well, they won't work me at either one. No, they didn't work me for eight years, so I'll put in a good word for you. Anyways, go to PunchUp.live. Can you not? Can Ari put in a good word for me?

Yes. I think you're just back in. Ari will put in a good word, but I'll be putting in a word. Go to youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy for all my standup is up there. Killbox is going up there. And live from the Village Underground, we'll be going up on PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. Very soon, one of my first specials.

So there you go, we're back to the show. Go! What's your favorite capital city? What? I don't know, that's what came to my head. Probably like Austin. Is Austin the capital of Texas? Yeah, of course. Are you sure?

You never saw the big giant capital? Yeah, you never went down Congress Street to the worst avenue. Okay, it's the nerds. I love that. Nerds are just look, you see it, it's fucking, you're in the shadow of it. You guys are being a little,

he asked a question. No, no. He just asked a question. Yeah, and he's never been a little anything. Instead of being. We're giving him what he gives us. And what is this? But don't give, you know what?

No, you give what you get. No. Mexican boxing. It's the biggest capital. Give what you want, give what you want. Why don't give, you know what? No, you give what you get. No, give what you want. Give what you want. Give what you want. Why don't you give him a little love? You wanna give him a little sass back? You give me penis? You'll give me a little dick.

Favorite capital city, I don't know. Well, Boston. It's a shit question. I mean, Boston's a great city, but it has got a little wokey-wokey. It's not as cool as it used to be. It talked to people. Downtown used to be a little more edgy than it is now. It's a little wokey-wokey. Shitty question. It's not as cool as it used to be. It talked to people. Eh, downtown used to be a little more edgy than it is now. It's a little fuckin'

Albany. Albany. Nice, dark. Dark, gray. Shout out the egg, dude. Ottawa is one of the best shows I've done in literally a couple years. But as a city, it is fuckin', it's so fuckin' gray. That's why their show is so good.

There's nothing there. I looked up online what to do and literally it was every comment said leave. You can ice skate on the river though. That's sick. You can go ice skating on the river and they have hot chocolate huts. That's very funny.

I don't know if that strikes you fancy. Hot chocolate. I don't know but I know it does yours because the way you just sold. They have chocolate huts in Harlem too. Come on, Come on. Anyways. The boys are laughing.

That's not that kind of shit. They're laughing at how bad it bombs. The boys are laughing. The boys are laughing. You can fucking give it to me, but it's not real. I don't think that was a bomb. That was a racial, we just have a hood that we put on. A clamp.

Oh, I got a bunch of them. Yeah. Woo. All right, boys. We're back. There we are. I like Boston, but it has got a bunch of home. Yeah. Woo. All right, boys. We're back. There we are. I like Boston, but it has got a little, a little, it's a little fucking walker. Remember-

What are you talking about? What do you mean? When you're walking around, what do they do? They say, hey, get out of here, white guy. Joe's on one today. I like it. What are you, I don't get it though. Joe's on one.

Maybe if you go to fucking, and Cambridge has always been gay as gay, woke and gay. Somerville used to be cool and fucking a bunch of Irish, Italian people, now it's all like Brooklyn, it's all fucking woke hipsters. Well there's like hipstery people, but they don't bother. Yeah, but they went into the- So is New York. I used to like Boston because it was edgy and fucked up, and now it's all hipstery. I like a city cleans up and Bobby goes fuck that, ruin it again.

Joe likes a hipster No, I mean I hate all the same things what you hate. I don't see it. I go to Boston It's fucking lovely, but I don't talk to anybody If I went to a cafe and say, you know, they've they heard this pot, but we sell well in Boston There's people that like us. I love Boston. I don't make it like that. I mean, I know Madison Square What other fuck Boston Garden they go crazy for you. I just got a crazy comfortable Boston Bruin sweatshirt for Christmas. Oh, that's sweet. I got one from Kim Neely.

That's sick. Sick. Yeah, I'm not doing that show. They'd have never asked me, but. It's crazy they've never asked you. I'm telling you right now, I already talked to him about it, and he's like, absolutely, I love Joe List.

I guarantee next year you'll be on it. You guarantee? Right here, guarantee. I fucking guarantee. They got one year. Let me say right now, guarantee. I fucking guarantee. Here, let me say something. They got one year. Let me say right now, as a witness, we're all witnesses, if, from this guarantee, if they do not book you next year. $250,000.

I've said it before, I said it already. Tell them the upfront price. I'll say this, I'll say this, if you don't do it next year, I don't do it next year. We're holding you to that. It's crazy. If you don't do it next year, I don't. It's crazy. I'm a literal comic coming home.

From a firefighting family. You just gotta do a little, you're doing good now, you probably do it. Yeah, we'll see. Whatever. We'll see. I want Lewis and Dan on with me. Around go.

Thanks, thanks Joe. You got it. That's a real friend. Damn. Dan,. Thanks, Joe. You got it. That's a real friend. Damn. Dan. No, Dan. Dan. Dan.

Dan smashed his head during the break. Dan. Dan. Dan. You all right there, guy? I don't know what I did just now that hurt my finger. There's nothing even describing what just happened. Like I went to go move my chair and somehow my finger. There is with words.

I smashed my finger on like, I almost like flicked, I flicked the end of the chair and it hurt my. Fingertip. Cuticle. Cuticle. The most dangerous part on the body. That's a made up, that is 100% made up. We're like your ugly coal

instead of cute Sexually are you guys happy at times in life? Shit you that's We have the answers happy at times in life like this shit. Are you guys you and that shit is everything. Listen, because we have the answers. Oh, it's a great question. I like this question. It's a great question. Stop looking at my hand.

It's like a dog. Hey, Lou. Yeah. All you got to do with Lewis is you go no, still right here. It's a great. I'm just wondering right now because you guys look, look at, I look at you guys, you're fucking killing it. Your careers are rocking.

And I've seen the evolution of where you guys came from. You haven't seen my Winnipeg tickets. My career is rocking to sleep. Your stand up is, yeah, but you never did stand up. You, your fucking legs. We didn't stand up for 20 years. Yeah, but you never, you've- 20 full years, guys, two guys. You focused in on other things

You weren't a hundred percent just on the road. No, I just started headlining right now You're fucking putting everything you got into your stand-up. Yeah, so it's it's I had the same thing with Billy and Patrice and Dane I quit comedy for two years came back. They were like two years ahead of me. You're at the same spot I never I never quit comedy. I was there. Well, I mean we thought you did That was a fake laugh folks Gripping the table Fucking cuticle, but are you happy right now? Are you the happiest I've ever been in my entire life literally right now I'm mentally and physically at my peak. Right now.

Not smoking weed every day. That's great. I'm not fucking getting drunk. I'm feeling nice. Feeling like the clarity is great. Can I tell you as your friend, I've noticed the change. I've noticed how present you are when we talk.

I think you're doing great. I'm proud of you. You should give us all gifts. To show us how happy you are. What the fuck was that? That's such eight year old brain. You go, can I have a toy now? No, yeah, I feel really good.

Everything's nice. Yeah? Gonna buy a house this year, fucking excited. It's all great. That's good, good for the house. Get the house, I love the house. Yeah, I said we'd just, Big Jay bought a house and I could buy a better house.

That was the whole point. Don't do that. He won't be my friend anymore. You want to punch holes in his huge drywall? You can't beat Jay at anything, otherwise he won't be your friend. Where did Jay move? You go, oh, that's cool, you bought a house.

I bought a slightly bigger house. That's all you have to know about my house. You should buy a house next to Jay. Oh, that's cool, you have a, he bought a house in Jersey. Yeah, he got a beautiful. Really nice house. I mean, backyard, pool.

I mean, his pool's only four feet deep the whole way, which is hilarious. So funny, it's a swinger pool. Yes. It's perfect. A fucking suck little pool. No, but he's digging it out and fucking, it's actually building a new pool.

He didn't need to buy a house with a pool. I like a four foot pool. I like a dip pool. Well, that's because if you turn on your side, your face gets all be above the water. Doesn't quite make sense. Yeah. No, you had, you had your shot.

That felt like a- A joke is that he has a really long face. That felt like a Canal Street joke where you go, something's off about it. No, he failed in the middle, cause he went, that's like, and we all went like this. And he went, I don't got it. Dude, can I tell you, I had a,

that's like a couple episodes ago and it bombed so bad that before the show I go, don't do any of that shit today. When I'm heading in. Don't you go fucking doing that dumb shit today you're getting married yeah wait is there a date you didn't tell me are you gonna just elope and fucking do that weird shit yeah like Mike and Katie's wedding that's gonna be fun that's gonna be very good you're not gonna have a real wedding no um I don't know we don't genuinely we don't have a I just saying this is I'm not invited no I would another normal situation this This would be, this crew would absolutely be invited.

You weren't invited to Norman's wedding? No. Yeah, that's wild. Lewis, look at me. This crew, that is pretty crazy. Norman's a snob, fuck that. That's bullshit. Yeah, but he invited people that weren't even really

his friends, that was the problem. That's what I was just gonna say. Someone that went to the wedding, I went, this guy? Yeah, I mean, it's not like I'm close with Mark like that, but I feel like I'm close enough to be invited to the wedding. I think he actually took? I mean, it's like I'm close with Mark like that, but I feel like I'm close enough to be invited to the wedding. I think he actually took a poll. He goes, ah. Up his ass.

You think he looked at Instagram followers? No, he actually went to people, I'm thinking of inviting him, what do you think? No. Lewis! No, not Lewis. Thumbs up or thumbs down? Way down. You should definitely elope, fuck it.

And then throw a party. That's what I think, that might be the move. Eloping is the best thing ever. I think it might be like a very tiny wedding and then a huge party in New York, or I can invite everybody. You do it at Bobby's tiny house. Tiny wedding.

I mean, dude, I would love to do that. You can get married at my house. I'll marry you. That would be sick. You married Joe? Kind of. Worked. I got all that shit done, but he said it didn't count.

Yeah, we were already married, but it was nice. It was sweet. Not pushing that one. Well, it wasn't official, but it was cool. I was sweet So he didn't officially have to go get all that shit done. No, it was just like what did you didn't get registered? I got it all done. No No, I told you you didn't go to the courthouse Yeah, dude, he went to fucking preschool for two years Billy Madison

Bobby graduated He went to fucking preschool for two years. Yeah, there was a few. Billy Madison. He's full of bullshitting. I spent the summer in class. Bobby graduated third grade. He lived in a monastery for two full years. Yeah, right by a priest. I had a suck a priest cock. I did all that too, but for fun. Folks. Okay.

All right, come on folks. I, yeah, I think a lopen is the best way to go. I don't know, man. We just have a nice traditional wedding. I like that. Don't do a traditional. I don't know. It's a pain in the ass. Her wedding, I like that. Don't do a traditional, it's a pain in the ass. Her dad pays for it, it rules. No, we're gonna pay for it, her and I are paying for it.

Do a small wedding. You'll pay for it after fucking she marries you. I'll make a big party. Dude, do a small wedding, throw a big party, we all come. And then do buffet. On her. Don't worry about that shit, oh, come on. Stop it, that's my bride before God. That's just terrible, how would you say that?

You guys talked about coming on my own face earlier. Yeah, but it's not your wife. Yeah, but it's not your wife. You God. That's just terrible. Why would you say that? You guys talked about coming on my own face earlier. Yeah, but it's not your wife. It's not you, dude. It's not his wife. We didn't talk about coming on Sarah's wife. No kids, no chicks. Hello. No kids, no chicks.

You talk about my kid and chick all the time. Come on, your kid, though. It's a real thing. Come on. Come on. Stop it. Come on, Maxie. I caught Max listening to the regs. No.

No. Yes. No, he can't. I cannot. When you're talking about coming on him, when Uncle Lou is... He's going to be playing Call of Duty. No, James is not allowed to listen to any of our shit at all. No.

That would make me want to listen. If my dad had a podcast, I'd be like, I absolutely... No, I'll show him clips that come out. There's certain clips that are funny and I'll be be on my phone, like I can see this clip. But I'm very selective about, I say crazy shit. Show him the Dan. Show him the Dan. Show him what?

Hey, Louis, show him the Dan clip though. I think that might get James. You said I say crazy, crazy shit. You said you come to my son. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Show him the clip where I left him a voicemail you'd never played it for.

A video, not even a voicemail. I showed him your comedy, bro, that's better. No, it's not better. Is it? I made a personalized, customized video. Like, people pay top dollar for that. What? He gave him a fucking,

I made a cameo. What was the video? What was the video? He won a tournament and I was like, I'm proud of you. Oh, I remember that. I said, I'm proud of you and he just deleted it. Oh, me and Max are horrible. That's fucking horrible. Delete, pedophile. Me and Max are horrible. Delete, pedophile.

Me and Max are from a video too. You showed him that one. I showed him that one. Max is his best friend though. I love who tapped me too. And now he talks shit to me when he sees me. He's like, I tapped you, you homo. I was like, what do you think?

I beat the shit out of this kid. James would beat you in jujitsu right now. James is very strong. James is good. I like that. James and Max did jujitsu. I. James is very strong. James is good. I like him. James and Max did jujitsu. I can just see James looking at Louis like, should I break his arm?

And Louis is like, no. I feel bad. Yeah, I don't want to, because I don't want Max to lose his spirit to try jujitsu. So I'm like, James, bring it back a level, really. Yeah, I was at the house, and they were on the mats, and James had Max, and he went, and he looked at Louis, and he was like, and he was like,

and he was like, like that. Yeah, James is five foot seven almost and he's fucking, dude, he's ripped. We started lifting weights together. Lanky. Fuck yeah, and he's a sweet boy. You just described me, but I'm eight inches taller than that. Yeah, but you don't like-

You keep saying lanky to Louis, it's mad. He's lanky, I'm lanky, dude. He's a pretty kid. You're not lanky. You got a giant head. If you were lanky, you would be dragging around. You're boxy. You're rectile-y. I was lanky.

You're not lanky. He's lanky. That's lanky. I'm skanky. Yeah, you're boxy. You're boxy. Boxy lady. He's old and fat.

That's not fat anymore. That's not even funny. He's fat. We're having a nice episode. Stop doing that. He's fat. Stop doing that. Why are you doing that? He was in danger and now you're's fat. We're having a nice episode. Stop doing that. He's fat. Stop doing that.

Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that? He was in danger and now you're like. Yeah, now I'll live for a few more years. We're having a nice time. He's got a couple more years in it. Are you kidding me, dude? Oh, you know what I heard?

You're fat? Oh. Dude, I had one but I couldn't push it. Bobby, Bobby saw me fucking lay off the pitch. No. Because I was going to fart. Would you do me a favor? Don't ever grab my fat again.

Dude, it sucks. What a wild, that's a great Naim Ali joke a favor don't ever grab my fat again. Yeah, dude. It sucks Oh, wow, that's a great night. I'm Ali joke one of the saying it hurts saying it hurts Doing it hurts more. I'm talks about it's like if you're one of like fuck with the fact I just lift his shirt a little bit you watch him immediately But no, do you want to fuck with the fat? When you walk up grab their side fat go to good to see you and just jiggle like a ham they're gonna be like You'll suck all his life on him. Now I'm in control of you.

Now I control you, Fatso. Fatso. I'm the captain now. I was having sex. I was having sex with a female. I'm the captain now. You having sex with a female? You have to say it.

I was having sex with a female and I've never had a nice butt, but my butt's getting nicer now that I'm getting in better shape. You get a little tush. But I'm still fucking, I'm self-conscious about it. Can we see it?

But she grabbed my ass, and I was just kinda like, I was like, ugh. Yo, can you please, I'd prefer if you didn't do that. Dude, because my ass, dude, my ass was so bad that like, girls would try to grab my ass and they'd feel it, like their hand would sink into it like soup. And then they'd never do it again.

And I was like, that's how I knew I had a bad ass. Dude, my ass, I looked at my ass literally this weekend because I had a pimple. Did you have that guy's clothes on? Yeah. No. Well. I looked in the mirror. It was so dimply and cottage cheese. It's crazy.

It's bad. Acme. And I do squats every day. Acme. Acme? Acme. It's pimples and fuck your ass. It's bad. Act me. And I do squats every day. Act me. Act me. Act. It's pimples and it's a cartoon. It's funny. You're going to change your underwear more. Yeah. But anyway, that's the first time in the history of this project podcast that I've just watched someone agree and just go like, dude, it was crazy. It looked like it was the dimpley is doughy piece of shit. I was jacking off before I got the caro in time.

Slow down. And I looked over and my butt was all like that, like the cottage cheese, and I went like, it took me out. Why would you have to look at your ass while you're jerking off? I was jerking off and I looked over in the mirror because I saw just me going fucking, and I was like, ah. And then I went... I had a girl blow me and she fingered my ass recently.

Nice. Whoa. I like that. Shit was pretty solid. How far up? How many knuckles? One, two. One finger, but all the way. Whoa!

All the way! Oh yeah. You little bowling ball. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Look at you. No, this bitch was like. Did you cough at all?

Well, cause at Skankfest, the girl fingered my ass at Skankfest, like on stage, and I realized that I like a finger in my ass. Of course you do. Yeah, no, that shit was fucking dope. And then this girl was at Skankfest and then she was like, I'm going to blow you, but I'm going to finger your ass. And I was like, this is because she watched the show happen. And this is, you know, a couple of years later. I want that. I want that. I want one, daddy. I want a finger in my ass. I want that. I want that. I want one daddy. I want a finger in my ass. I want a finger on my butt right now. I've been really good. I want a finger in my butt. This is a new

me dude. A fucking finger in my ass. Not a new you. That's a power bottom Lewis. No, no, no. Cause I've had girls, I had a rub and tug one time and the girl fingered my ass and it was great. Then the other times I was like, this is aggressive. It sucks. I'm getting hot under the collar. She goes, I'm going to give you a real special touch. And Louis goes, oh, that's what it is. Yeah, wait till you get two fingers. They call it the Chinese finger trip. She goes, I'm wearing you like puppet.

I'm going to do that. I'm your puppet. I'm your suit. Whatever. Whatever you want, Empress. Whatever you want, my Jade Empress. But it's important. How were you sitting with your legs over your legs leg open her suck you might I had a girl eat my ass recently too what's up with your fucking delicious

guy I don't really think that I know this is gay like my big what happened to the bomb dinner right here oh sorry you waiting for? I just assumed one of those two had it. It's right here. Hey, none of that. Well, you had it earlier. That was pretty mean. Everyone's had it this episode. Yeah, a lot of bombs, but a lot of good.

You only, you miss every shot you don't take. This is the only podcast that admits a bomb. Yeah. With a physical item, letting you know that we know. And also a flat tire. We know the difference between a bomb and a flat tire. True. Only podcast, all the other podcasts just-

Suck each other's dicks. Suck each other's dicks. And you got, no, no, no, no, no, you ate it on that one. We don't even like you. No, I had a girl, I had a girl, she straight up, she was like- The secret sauce is we don't even like each other. She goes like, I wanna eat your ass,

and she bent me over, like head in the pillow. Have I met this person? I don't think so want to eat your ass. And she bent me over, like head in the pillow. Have I met this person? I don't think so. Can I? Yes. Wait, so she, and did she, yeah, this is a funny question. Open my ass like that and fucking tongue piercing my asshole.

Can I just say, can I just say right now? What did you do when you were in the pool? I giggled like a schoolgirl. Did I get the giggle? Anytime she goes near my butt, I go, what are you doing? I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. I was like, what is wrong with you? She's like, shut up, bitch.

She goes, mama's got a munch. I guarantee he was going. He goes, oh. I really was. I was like, oh. I'm biting my lip. He goes, oh fuck. Yeah.

Are you gonna meet me? That used to be my thing. I'll show you the video. Back in the day, getting my ass eaten was my thing. Really? Back, young Bobby. Oh dude, a young, hot Bobby. I remember the waitress a bartender down here Puerto Rican girl She used to just eat my hand. That was my sister. Yeah, she's hot. Holy shit

I mean she would but not suck your dick. I remember outside She's like you get to but she's like my dick. She would suck my dick from behind She would it's called milking. She would we're out front when I night, smoking a cigarette, and she goes, come on, let's go. I'm gonna go eat your ass, I gotta get home early. Did you like skip what you were doing? Went to my place, went to my house, after like four shows, went to my house, she went down to my ass, she went,

she went, slap me on the ass, she goes, go wash your ass. Wow. Okay. She called you poppy. You should say wash your tongue. She slapped my ass, she went, go wash your ass, cause it wasn't clean. There's more harmful bacteria in Poppy. You should say wash your tongue. She slapped my ass. She went, go wash your ass. Cause it wasn't.

There's more bacteria. There's more harmful bacteria in your mouth than there is in your ass. Well, that's why, can I say this fact, this effect, gay guys were getting sick a lot and they thought they were getting poisoned by restaurants. Sure, that hated gays. For being hating gays.

But it was actually fecal matter from dick and ass. Yeah. That they were getting bacteria. So that's, and you can't, you can't not fuck an ass. Joe, have you read your ass in? What are you crazy? You know, I don't think so. Why are your cheeks getting red?

Maybe. You've never had your, you're your ass eating, you know. I think maybe I did once. No, I might, my one ex ate my ass and then I could never respect her again, I was like, this is crazy. I didn't even look at you. It's like old mob rules.

That's the mother of my children. You can't put a mouth on my vlogger. Have you ever asked him? I've, a girl attempted it and I'm like, what are we doing? Because I was so self-conscious about how hairy my butt crack is. No, me too. I was like, you don't want to do this.

You're out of your mind. She was like, shut up, man in the pillow. It was just, I was like, I'd prefer if you don't want to do this. You're out of your mind. She was like, shut up. It was just, uh, I was like, I prefer if I shaved my ass one night for a girl and then I nicked it and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Oh, and I had, I had, I had to cancel it. I was like, yeah, I wouldn't stop. But you gotta be careful with that. But when it grew back in, how itchy was it? It was itchy and zitty. But yeah, cause you're getting grown hair. Get your ass waxed, get your ass waxed and you're good to go. I got my ass waxed.

Now I'm so old the hair just fell out. Oh my god. This girl was like way too hot to be eating my ass. It was kind of crazy. What did she say after? Was she like, that was good ass. She went, my mouth is full of shit. She went, you want some good food? No, she was good ass. She went, my mouth full of shit. She went, you want to go get a little?

No, she was just way in. Did you clean your ass first, or did you just let her go in? I just let her go in. We were just fucking. She just went. She went. She got to go in. She went down to Brown Town.

You got to get in there with a baby. Well, you got to get the info. You got to find out the last shit, the last workout. You got to clean it, wipe it. If I eat a girl's pussy, I'm eating her ass every time. Yeah, I like to eat ass. Every time. It's all there. It's all in the same neighborhood. I eat a girl's pussy, I'm eating her ass every time. Yeah, I like to eat ass. Every time. It's all there.

It's all in the same neighborhood. I like a girl when she goes into the, let me go to the bathroom for a sec. There's a little swipe, cleans it up a little bit. Little. Yeah, if a girl's gonna eat my ass, I would do a little wipe, little wet paper towel, put on a baby wipe, make sure there's no peanut butter.

No, I typically would want to shower, but this girl, I think she liked it dirty. She wanted it, she really fucked it. I'll show you on Instagram afterwards You're gonna be like that girl is way too hot to be putting her tongue on any girls too hot to be eating an asshole That's some really cool. It was to go. What? What don't take it there? What I like she's married. Is she? Yeah to who? What's your name? Dan Sutter?

That's good. Both of you guys are good. I was another fake laugh on my end you are I was good, both of you guys were good. There was another fake laugh on my end. You are... A fake laugher of podcasts, new nickname. Oh, damn dude, they gave, that's good. Oh. I thought it was a good one. Let me see your fake laugh.

Oh! They can't do it. Oh! Joe, fake laugh? God damn it, I've felt a lot of those. That hurts. Oh no, dude, I hate it. I hate it.

That's too good. Joe always thinks laughing is the body go. I'm saving yours for your special taping. Hey, that's good. When's the taping? July 12th. Gotta kill it, I saw the hour, it's fucking killer. Something fucked me up talking about fake laughs or whatever.

Have you seen Mr. Beast's smile? He's everywhere. He's like, I've never heard of this man until like a week ago. He's like a YouTube star. He's been a star for like five years. He's like a YouTube star. Biggest earner on YouTube. But he's everywhere. Can you pick up a photo? He's got a game show coming out on Amazon. So if you watch football and they like put it on Amazon, they'll talk about it. You're almost like, why would he even take it? He makes so much more money than the TV could possibly pay him. It's crazy. But his smile, someone pointed it out, his smile, if you cover his mouth, it looks crazy.

This is the most, first time I've ever seen this. It's like psychopathic. If you cover his smile, his eyes are just like. But you know they have like classes or like things you take when you become famous, when you go on red carpets. If you ever see a red carpet, you see them smile. It's like they teach people how to smile. But look at that.

It doesn't look fake. Doesn't look like he's about to be like. It's a fake smile. But you get taught how to do that. Because anyways, I put those people in the frame. If you walk in a room and smile, like walk in a room and you're like, what's up? Or you walk in a room, hey, what's up guys?

Hey. Mr. B says like crazy, like he like cured blindness for like 100 people. It was like a YouTube video. He's our new medical insurance. It's just a YouTuber going like, do you want to see again? He just took slaves out of a cave.

And they're like, ah! I can see. How many dumb bitches were freaking out for 12 hours when TikTok was banned? How many stupid whores were just like, oh my God. It's over. I have to go to real estate classes right now. It's over.

I loved it. And then it's back. I wish they took it away. And then Trump was like, flip the switch. And everyone was like, thank you daddy. I wish they took it away. There was people, there was like twins that danced. They learned dance moves every day

cause that was their fucking income. Well now there's starting to be like documentaries that come out about YouTube families and stuff that make those kid shit, and you find out they're always abusing the kid. Of course. They're always like- I think it's so weird, dude.

We did a deep dive on some of those families a while ago. It's wild. There was one, I saw a documentary on ABC that was 2020, and the family did adventures, and all the kids were like, this is the greatest and then they found out the kids were just being wildly abused. They were like, if we didn't do it right,

we didn't get to eat dinner or we had to hold our pee overnight in a fucking broom closet. Yeah, you did kids and fucking, first of all, you know, I try to really limit the amount that I put James on social media, I put him on my Instagram story. That's really it, you know what I'm saying? I never put like hard posts. So it's getting old to the point now where it's like,

and he's good looking, so there's definitely pedophiles that are beating off to my kid on the internet. So I was like, you know what? It's just like, that's a buff thought. James is hot. What do you want? Don't be disrespectful. Yeah.

Oh yeah, tap me up, baby. That's a compliment. He's a beautiful boy. Think I'm gonna jerk off to his kid? Huh? What? Yeah, but it's like a- Well, Max had a YouTube page. He had Max's science lab thing that he wanted to do,

and we did it, and it was actually fun. He loved doing it, but then there was a point where it was like, I don't- Well, if it's a hit, you gotta keep doing it. And the parents are gonna wanna be like, it's making money, and the kids are like, I just wanna be a kid. I mean, got to keep doing it and the parents are gonna want to be like it's making money And the kids are like I just want to be a kid I mean you make this I we watch the outdoor boys, which is a guy who goes out in the woods with his kids sure

Three kids took him out in the woods does all this crazy shit. He makes Millions of dollars you know make it big I want to strike it rich and he had his kid Here's a problem his kid was his kid got older and his kid was gonna do his own thing and it fucking flopped. But that's like this big Justice in AJ kid, that documentary, they're gonna be like, all those kids that are kid stars, it never goes well. It's always like fucked up.

Yeah, it's hard though, they can make millions of dollars for a few years and bank that shit. Yeah, but then their brains are zapped. Yeah. He's like, my then their brains are zapped. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, my therapist said this is a doom. And he goes, oh no, when a man touches me below in my swimsuit area, doom.

But if I come, boom. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't either, I don't know any of these people. I'm just fake laughing. Big Justice and AJ? No, don't know it. I know Sid Justice. You guys are lucky. The...

Shout out, dude. King of the power bomb. The... The Costco boys. Yeah. I don't know what that is. Sid Justice looks exactly like Michael Rooker. You know that actor?

Is this them right here? Yes. You don't know who Costco is? They look identical. And he does. It's crazy. Yeah, this guy's a lunatic. First of all, he had a failed,

like he kept on trying to do different YouTube things. He was a wrestler too. Yeah, he was a wrestler for a little while, and then eventually he hit the... It's just cringe. It's like that's, it gained popular because it's so cringey that they- They're fascinating.

Yeah, and then it's people sort of like ironically liking it, then you stop being ironic and you kind of do like it. Well, Jimmy Fallon, did you see them on Fallon? No, I didn't see it. Fallon's the phoniest motherfucker in the world. Of course. When he has people on, he's just like, there was a great-

I like Jimmy and I love his show, and I'd be very grateful to do it again very nice to me first class guy like corn it's like fructose corn syrup I love you Michael I love you Jimmy I laugh at everything you do and say yeah shit's gay but if you watch it there's an episode where Bill Burr is on the Tonight Show and he's being very Bill Burr which is just a constant growling dog a bill burr he's like ah fuck but he starts doing a thing where he's being very Bill Burr, which is just a constant growling dog. He's like, ah, fuck. But he starts doing a thing where he's being very funny,

but he's like kinda making fun of Fallon, and Fallon doesn't know how to interact with it, so Fallon's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and Bill's like, nah, why are you laughing like that? And you just watch his fucking brain freeze. He had the Costco guys on, and you saw Fallon even get over his fake nursery, he's like, this shit sucks. What are we doing here? Yeah

And founds like play the we bring the boom song I can't believe you guys haven't seen this what if I haven't seen it It's horrible. We bring the boom But it's like it's even cringier than the song Like you gotta really understand where it all to get in the world sagalow is the one that got me into it and I was Like this shit sucks. No, I hated it and then I liked it, then I loved it, now I hate it again. Yeah, that's the horror. It's like, so Louis J. Gomez, like,

I'll show you. That sounds like all your friendships. It's getting better. I don't like Joe's. Me neither. Because it's too convincing. Well, I'm in the screen act as guilt. He is, you're in the writer's guilt too. Yeah, I don't know if I, I don't know, I don't ever pay the guilt. You're in the writers guilt too.

Yeah I don't know if I don't know I don't ever pay to do. You didn't pay a dude. That's the best guilt to be in. It's hey you're fucking dudes. It's the best guilt to be in. It does sound like if you're talking about butt sex. You go oh, gross. Every afternoon on your FYP. We'll be bringing the boom.

For your page. How much are the views on this? We bring the boom so loud, the whole earth shakes. With double chonged chocolate cookies. And chicken fake fakes. Oh. 332,000. That's what that's like.

Louis Mike's it again. No, that's not. That's one month ago. We're calling big justice, because that's not that's one month ago That's not there so that's not their channel that's not the official channel Who's this guy that everybody's going on that the the the fucking Romani? I know what the kid the kid What is that you guys had a moment didn't Oh Mattan? Yeah, what is this? It's just a bit where he goes on he tries to light people on fire. No To say he does like a stick. It's all is he just a bit. Where he goes on, he tries to light people on fire. No, it's just a bit. It's like, yeah, he does like a shtick.

Is he just a regular guy? He kept it. Seems very smart. He kept the thing up, even when we were off air. But then I guess Big Jay went and did their show, and he said they just couldn't keep it up for that long. So they eventually got normal. Oh, really?

They lost their steam of their shtick. They're like, what does that mean? Hey, could you go for chicken tacos? And you go, I thought you were supposed to be like, probably. Maybe he was fun though, I liked him. He did a Legion of Skanks. Because I just saw Ari on him.

Yeah. And he brought out a- Ariana Grande? Yeah. He brought out a flame thrower or something, or like a torch. It was pretending to light, he was gonna light Ari on fire.

That's funny. And I was like, what the fuck? I'm in. I'll watch it later. Okay. Thanks for the recommended. All right, great. Hell yeah. I love you guys.

I have to poop so bad. Yeah. I have to go sledding. Oh, that's fun. I'm going sledding too. Are you guys really? It's gonna be dark. Why don't you come up our house?

Why don't you come up our house? You live three hours now away from me. And you live the same amount. Yeah, but I live closer to the city, so I have to go further away. You guys can come down here. I have to go farther away from me. Joe's got a good point. It's gonna be dark. I wish I had a father. I do too, man. It, but I live closer to the city, so I have to go further away. You guys can come down here. I have to go farther away from me.

Joe's got a good point, it's gonna be dark. I wish I had a father. I do too, man. Wouldn't it be great to be a father? What are you doing? What is this, time? You Googled time? That's hilarious.

What is it? Who Googles time? We all have phones, you jerk-offs. There's also a clock right here. There's a clock there. Time? Time. I know I had to-

What is time? Now listen, I had to put you to sleep as the timekeeper, but no longer. Also a clock right here. There's a clock there. Time? Time. I know I- What is time? Now listen, I'd appreciate it as the timekeeper, but no longer. And I would never even Google time. Well, you don't need to. You're the timekeeper. You have it right here. But I wouldn't even need to Google.

Did you really just Google time? I've never seen anyone find out the time that way. You go, I guess it works, but I don't like it. I love you guys. I love you, buddy. I love you guys. I gotta get back. Love you guys. I gotta get back down. Great one. Great show. The right episode. Next one we have a guest. Our first guest. Are we getting Louie? Are you gonna get Louie? I'll try to get Louie. It'd be sick if we

got Louie. If we got Louie's. If we're getting guests it has to be elite level. Louie's level. This is what I've been saying. But that's it. You're talking about bringing Yannis. No offense to Yannis. I love Yannis. I think we should have him on. Yanis is big. History Iaenas are back dude. They're charting. Yanis has more followers than you and me. Yeah, we're not big. Well, we're saying bigger than us. We're not gets.

I don't care. He's a fuck. I also agree that we don't need guests. I love Bobby so much. I don't think we need guests at all, but if you want to guest Joe, because when Joe gets something in his fucking craw, he'll obsess about it. And if it makes you happy, we'll do it.

If it makes you happy. Maybe we'll get a guest. Why the hell are you so sad? I'm not obsessed, I'm trying to get Joe to go. No, is it a guest? Loads. Why do we need, the show is the show. We're gonna make it explode, us.

We have to make it explode. We gotta rely on somebody else's fame to get us fucking. Yes, that's what every big show does. I've been doing a show without guests for 12 years. Did the big shows get the big guests? Oh, we got the big show, how cool would that be? Honestly, I'm squealing. Why Oh, we got the big show. How cool would that be? I honestly You guys are on the internet too much

Why don't we get like a star instead of staying movies the comedy world where everybody's seen that fucking guy Let's get somebody who's a star. You want Giamatti? Yes! Yes! Giamatti! You want me to call up? Get Giamatti. Not a good chant. No, it's a terrible chant. Giamatti would be great.

Giamatti would be great. Have somebody who's not in the comedy world. Giamatti! He goes, Giamatti! That's the way you gotta do it. I don't really like that Louis Drake, oh man. He'll love Louis.

He will. He'll love me. He'll love Louis. And that's a guess. Here's the thing. He's badass. Dan, we'll get fans who aren't our fans. The people that know Louis are our fans.

Jumaane doesn't have an online fan base that's listening to podcasts. Don't even fucking come for the Giamatti. I'm just saying. He has a different fan base that could be. They're not podcast fans though. They will be. We'll make them podcast.

No one's gonna come from non-comedy to this show. They're gonna be four minutes in and go, these guys just called everyone homos, beers. These guys or justve. These guys? Or just one? A couple of us. Alright. Yum yum yum yum yum. Let's get Giamatti. Alright, so Giamatti's on the books. No, Louis C.K. Adam Sandler. Yeah, fine Bobby, yes. I'll make it happen right now. I got his number. Go, do it. I hung out with him. I had a steak dinner with him. He bought. Did give me better though. Let's call him. Oh that's right, I remember that.

See if he answers. What time is it in LA? 12. I don't think he even has Sandler's number. Sam man. It's Robert Kelly, Bobby Kelly. Put it on speaker. How you doing?

Put it on speaker. I can see his phone. It's literally just a photo of Max. Hello. We bring the boo. What if that's what Sandler has his picture saved as? He loves Max. I'm gonna call Jack Nicholson. Will you come on the regs podcast with my friends when you're in town? Oh, Bill Cosby.

Hey, Bill, you're out of jail. You mind coming by? Well, I'd like to come by, Dan. Are you ready? Will you come on the podcast on the regs? No. Thanks, Don. It's not Don.

He's got a fucking cold. I'll see you guys. All right. I love you. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. on the podcast on the regs? I know. Thanks Don. It's not Don, he's got a fucking cold. I'll see you guys. Alright, I love you. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Don! Alright, so I don't know what I'm saying. I do know. I do have somebody. Who's the most famous person on your phone? Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'd love to get Stone Cold Steve Austin on, dude! He's like, I don't know what the hell's going on,

but I got a damn rattlesnake calling me the N-word. What? I ain't never been with one of them. What? You got this guy blinking like a son of a bitch, like I just stunned him. What about that? Let's get a fucking, a big star.

The Undertaker. Ooh, dude. You are gay. We could probably get There's a star if there's We want you on That's what we do what we just put it out there. I like it famous somebody or some of that knows somebody famous Oh, that's just sad. No, I got Shane Gills his phone number. I

Used to mean he blocked me. Did he block you? Yeah, we had a beef. No, he doesn't. I'll tell the story. He doesn't answer when I call. This is good. It's a nice angle. Yeah. At least he blocked you.

There was a Reddit, after Shane did SNL, there was a Reddit thread that was like, beef between Shane and Joe. He did every podcast except Mindful Metal Jacket. It was like he was on Legion of Skanks, he did fuckin' whatever, he did Soder. Like something's up there, something happened. Yeah, I love it.

What about Chappelle? You look cool. No, he'll be smoking. If Chappelle smokes in here, I'm smoking cigars every show from here on out. Well, maybe that's the way we get to smoke cigars in here. Do you watch the monologue? Joe, you're dead. I did watch the monologue.

Chappelle did we white KWD. He goes, I don't man, I don't bomb. That bomb, Dana, does not belong to me. Because it's impossible for me to bomb. Joe, you got herpes. I can see it crawling out your jeans. You got a tiny mouth, Joe. Kevin Hart knew to wear a suit.

He just wanted to watch you bomb even more, Bobby. We don't need a guest. We can just have Soder do all the- I did wear a suit. Oh my god. Google audio only, have Dan pretend to be everybody, nobody will know the difference. Remember when I did that with Hitler and I bombed? No, you didn't bomb, it was great, dude.

And that wasn't, that was really Hitler on my show. 127 year old Hitler. I just found out, this is proof I washed my sweatshirt. I just found it in his pocket. I gotta poop so bad. I love you guys. Guys, we'll see you guys next time on The Reg. It's the words.