Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Gary Gulman | Two Dogs One Bone

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

This week Bobby is joined by Gary Gulman, they talk about their shared therapist, growing up in the 80's and mom & pop shops from their youths. This episode is sponsored by HelloFresh Support the show & get 50% off of HelloFresh, plus 15% off for the next 2 months at https://www.hellofresh.com/50YKWD & use code 50YKWD This episode is sponsored by GhostBed Listeners can get 40% off all products sitewide! Use promo code YKWD at GhostBed.com/ykwd for 40% Off Sitewide. Limited Time Only. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp Visit BetterHelp.com/DUDE today to get 10% off your first month! Gary Gulman's new book https://static.macmillan.com/static/fib/gary-gulman/index.html Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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oh old people they don't shut the door. Anyhow, Nana's boobs. I don't know. You've talked about a grandparent boobs. It was, I don't know. I don't know. I remember you had a joke about, maybe it was that you would picture your grandmother and grandfather having sex. And you said, I don't like broccoli.

I didn't like broccoli growing up, but now I like it. Am I gonna like having sex as an old person? And then I would take the t- Swing it over your shoulder. You said, what do you do? You huck it around the room? And it always made me think of my grandmother because it didn't so much fall out of her, it unfurled.

It was like a, it had the sort of the length and circumference of the snake that popped out of the can of peanuts. You know that, remember that thing? So that happened. And I remember telling my brothers the story, and then I wrote a rhyme about it and everything.

And we were laughing. We wrote a rap. Yeah, well, it wasn't really a rap, it was this song. I was walking down the hall one day, gonna go to my room to play when I turned around the door. I saw her boobs upon the floor and decided I should run away. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now! We're back, you know what dude live.

Welcome everybody to the show. YKW, we're back. I started social media podcast. YKW, we're all starting before them all. YKW, I think it's so I'm Peter White, I'm Peter White. This podcast is so fun and crazy. And there's no rules. Shut up, you all ruining this.

Break the bar, damn it. I'm sorry. It's comedy podcasts. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original.

Welcome back to YKWD, one of the longest running podcasts on the East Coast. One of the first, and I think one of the best. I hope you guys are enjoying the show lately. We've had some kick ass guests. Do me a favor before you go any further if you're watching on YouTube. Just hit the subscribe button. That's all you got to do. It costs nothing. Just hit the subscribe and hit the like and further if you're watching on YouTube, just hit the subscribe button. That's all you gotta do. It costs nothing. Just hit the subscribe and hit the like and comment

if you want. And that's about it. And we do have an unedited version that goes on patreon.com, slash Robert Kelly. And kids, we have any potty mouth stuff. We go a little edgy. We put that over there.

You get it first. You get an extra episode every week of YKWD, extra, extra, extra, and then you get it unedited and a bunch of other stuff. So that's where you go if you want to be a real supporter of the show and give us some cash. So I can pay these autistic kids that work for me. Ah!

Ah! Oh my God! I'm so happy that my guest is here today. Hey! I love him. One of my longest friends. Oh, that's a great one. In the business, but also in life. Yeah.

We've gone past the business. Yeah. It's been so long that it's life. Gary Gellman. Yes. What's up, buddy? A true friend. I mean, in this thing they call call they say it's not show friends

But isn't it show friends? That's what keeps us coming back show friends is the friends. Yeah of it. Yeah, we were comics right? Yeah comics. It's like yeah everything is from friends and colleagues that liked us not not so businessy I everything really fortunate. God. Yeah. Was from somebody who liked me as a person. Yes.

You know? Totally. Totally. No way Louis liked my stand-up. He liked my personality. Yeah, but also you're a great actor. You're a great actor. We also studied acting together with Peter Kelly in

Boston, which was a great, that was a great time, man. People think acting classes are some sort of cult or anything, but and there are, but most of them are serious people trying to do serious work and our artists and love acting. Pete Kelly, and people don't know this. Just a genius of a man. I mean, Pete Kelly worked at College and Pickman Casting Agency. Once in a while, he would teach a class. I remember I got into College and Pickman acting in Boston.

College and Pickman was the big casting a, you got a film you went through that lady and that company I went into the class. He's teaching downstairs. I didn't get in so I'm upstairs. Well, it's fine. I'm with her Yeah, still great, but I'm not with I heard about P Kelly. Yeah, all of a sudden he walks up with his long hair flip Huh, I need one more. I just went to me. Ha ha good for you. I'd never heard that story. That's incredible I went me. I, ha, good for you. I'd never heard that story. That's incredible. I went me. I wanted, so I went downstairs. I took his class for what, six weeks.

Yeah. And I remember one of the greatest things he goes, who wants to be famous, who wants to be a good actor? I love that. And he stops and he goes, there's no wrong answer. Being famous is fine in this business, but there's some people that just want to be good actors. Yeah. And, you know, to be good actors. Yeah.

And, you know, everybody raised good actor. Yeah, yeah. I did this. Good for you. I was like, you know, good for you. I remember. That's palsy, man. I remember I took him out for dinner.

Where'd you go? Lafamille, you're judge. No. Lafamille, you're judge. Because that's when I started working there. Yeah. And I don't know if you felt this. I'm sorry.

That's right. When acting comedy, I just wanted somebody to tell me, you should do this. Yes. You got it. I just wanted, you got it, dude. Yes. Yes.

Because it was so scary, right? When we first started. Totally. We're in the dark. We didn't have that faith and and that's some people just have it or they got it from their parents or they they just have it innately, but we didn't have that faith in ourselves and we're constantly looking for somebody to reflect what we had a we had an anchoring we had a hint people had an inkling, we had a hint, people had told us we're funny, we're talented,

but nobody of authority had confirmed it, and Pete Kelly was able to do that for us. Well, he didn't for me. I took him to dinner, he cast you in two dogs in a bone. He did, no, he did after. Here's what happened. Took him to dinner, and I go, dude, I just, can you tell me, should I do this?

And he's like, I don't know, dude. Right. What do you want? Past the cheese. I was like, I was like, I was such a good actor. You look for cheese. I do that. I'm fucking rocking, dude.

You literally went like, I created such a fucking illusion. You went like, I was, I was, and but I yes, I ended. You did, you did. So here's what happened. But I'm real actor would have grabbed the cheese and put it to me and I would have went like this and I did it back and you would have took it. You sure?

And maybe I would have put some of my own. Yopazda? Is it seafood or is it just a bolognese? No, it's a broccoli and chicken and broccoli. Oh, chicken, chicken broccoli. Chicken, chicken, chicken, bonafatuna. Yes. From La Familla, Georgia. Oh my gosh, 395. Oh. For a pound of pasta. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So, here's this. It was almost as if it was a front for something else. I'm a club, my friend, Maxisa at some club on fucking Tremont Street, late at night, all of a sudden I look over. Maxisa is as cool as his name would make you think.

Berkeley College of Music, long hair. Oh, Caesar. He and oh, oh my Caesar. You know where I met him? I got a break. I met him in an A meeting. Oh, I get out of rehab. What is the second A stand for?

What? What is the second A stand for? What do you mean? Anonymous, right? Oh, sorry. Ha. we made that all the time that way I do yeah whatever are you right I shouldn't have done that no I'm okay yeah anyway it's great stuff this is gold I'm out of meeting I get out of 14 months in rehab I go what, what do I do? The guy goes, go to a meeting too far away

from your house that you can't get a ride. Get a ride there. Don't get a ride back. So you'll have to ask somebody. Wow. So I go all the way up to the hospital up in Stonum. My word. I have my stepdad Larry, Gauras, a soul pastor way.

Yeah. He drives me up to you. How are you gonna get back? I'll get a ride. What? I go, I don't know. Dude, I'm shitting my pants. I'm sitting at the door as people are coming in.

Kid walks in, I go, hey, can I get a ride? He goes, no. I fucking hate this kid. I hate him to this day. If I see him, I'll go fuck you. Wow. Said, no. Mark Caesar comes in.

Rip shirt, fucking chains, rock and roll hair. Yeah. I go, hey,. Wow. I said, no. Mark Caesar comes in. Rip shirt, fucking chains, rock and roll hair. Yeah. I go, hey, can I get a ride? He looked me up and goes, yeah, man, after the show, walks over to the piano, starts playing, because he's a, you know, burp. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, chicks, just smoking like,

oh, wow. He's still shaking A.A. chicks. Yeah, that's Caesar's like, oh my God, took me to Bickford's that night. Oh, and so two in the morning Let's explain Bickford's big for it is Oh, it's I hop of a certain area for a certain amount of time and it was it was always packed with people who were in bands But also theater kids and a a yeah and they 24 hours. Yeah, 24 hours and they have this thing called I think it was called the baked apple or the big apple or something like that.

The big apple. The big apple. And they had the little apple for pussies. But they had the big apple, which was a Dutch pancake. With apples and the butter. It was drawn. Oh, yes. A stick of butter on the top.

4,000 calories probably. I mean, plus maple syrup. Plus maple syrup, dude. The big apple and there it is right there. Oh my God. All we wanted back then. All we wanted. And not worry.

It was so good and you'd wait 20 to 30 minutes for that big apple. Oh, cause it was busy. It was busy there man. He took me there that night and that he's still my friend to this day. Yeah. Help me get sober.

He's a really nice guy and he was friends with Leo and Katazone. Yeah. I just saw Leo. Wow. I ran into him in front of Sirius. He's working. He has a studio in LA. Yeah, he's a real producer.

He has a great, those guys were great. Proud and Aris. Kind. Toured with Nick as Phoebe Knicks when he was like 16. Wow. That's how good he was. My word. But it's so down to earth and approach

on those guys. Yeah, it's very, because it's Italian. The Italian, those guys are down to earth guys. Oh, there's some Italians that aren't as nice as Leo. That's true. I always thought you were gonna go with me on that, but you're right.

There's some assholes out there. There's some gobbledge people. I go into the thing with Mark Caesar at nightclub. I look over Pete Kelly's with a smoke. I think Kelly was a... Smoke was a, was a, what's the word? I wouldn't say Coxman, but, because I don't, yeah, he was a Coxman, all right.

100% Coxman, good word, classical. Yeah. I look over, he has his hair, his face, smoking hot blonde. I walk up and go Good word, classical. Yeah. I look over. He has his hair, crosses face, smoking hot blonde. Yeah. I walk up and go, Hey, confidence. I go, I want to work with you. He goes, Amen. Fill out the form. You know, really cool. I go, No, I go, I want to work with you. I don't want to work with anybody else. I want to work with you. How do I work with you? Yeah. He goes, All right. Call me.

Gave me his number. I had to write it down on a piece of paper. How do you use my phone? I got a thing I do. He put me into the Harrison project. That's out of the question. Yes, I remember that. He hand picked the students. Yeah.

Dude, he's the one who taught me how to act. But also regarding the fact that Peter did well with the women game, no game. So he probably sends that of you as well, right? That this was a cool, another cool man. Yeah, I mean, I fucked a lot of those people in there. Dude, I had sex. No, I remember going to see,

was it three dogs in a bone or two dogs in a bone? A number of dogs plus a bone. It was two dogs in one bone. And yeah, and man, that and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and says things such as five minutes, five minutes, thank you five, and then places. The big girl. I remember the last night, there's so buddy, the last night I was getting changed in my dressing room and I'm naked and I look over, she's in the darkness behind the stage looking at me like this and I went hey she went you want to ride home I mean yeah why not I drove home we fooled around in my driveway God love

yeah yeah it was a great time back then dude I mean a different time dude yeah the 80s and 90s yeah but no matter what time I feel like you were living in, you would have made the most of it. Yeah, I don't think I would survive these times. You would adjust. You're a thoughtful person who is not an asshole. I was a romantic. Yeah.

I like romantic and you went on dates Yep, and you and you would occasionally fall in love. Yep, and yeah, you're you're not garbage, man No, I I did every girl I was with I liked yeah, I was like a Brazilian prostitute I didn't just sleep with men. I had to like you. Yes, I got paid Dude, I I remember you know, I mean, back in the day, when I would have girls, because I didn't, I didn't have anybody. Yeah.

I didn't have anybody to take care of me. Yeah. And I remember I'd meet girls and they would, like, you know, even my wife now, Dawn, when I first met her, she was the best she would take care of me. She would like, I didn, even my wife now, Dawn, when I first met her, she was the best. She would take care of me. She would, like, I didn't have money to go to dinner.

Like, she would, like, I want to go to the Applebee's. I mean, I couldn't afford it. Yeah. Remember those days? Oh my gosh. What we were able to get out of having absolutely no money, what we were able to do with our lives is really something else because I just remember I would need a shirt

or jeans for a date and I would be like all right I'll wear these but I'm not taking off the tags and I'll have to return them real. Yeah I would do things like that or I had my work clothes on and we got a gig last minute and I couldn't wear the work clothes they smelled and everything that was all sweaty. Yeah. And food on them and so I would go to the Macy's or Lord and Taylor or whatever was open and get an outfit and then take really good care of it and return to the next day because I couldn't afford to keep it and stuff.

Crazy. Yeah, we were barely, we were not even breaking even from stand-up comedy. We had a number of side hustles and I remember you used to put people to sleep, but you would do an overnight at a halfway house or something like that. Yeah, I would kill kids. Yeah, so we're bad. Yeah, I put them to sleep.

And mentally retarded kids, I would put them to sleep. Yeah, I would kill them. Yeah, I didn't talk about that really. But I think the Statue of Limitation, I can talk about it now. Yeah, there's no limitation. I had five jobs. Yeah, how many jobs I had I had. Yeah, Lafamilia, George, yeah, tables. Yeah, I worked. I, uh, Sundays, I deliver flowers. Wow, I didn't know about the fun. Revere.

I was the driver around Smokasagar and deliver flowers. Uh, I worked at the overnight at the juvenile hall. Yep. And I lived with the mentally challenged disabled guys. Yeah. That's where I lived. Yeah. And all these jobs. And then I would do comedy. Yeah.

It was all to do stand up. Yeah. Because it was all from four o'clock to 12 o'clock every night. Yes. It was free. Yeah. That's the only time I needed free. Right.

I could do shit all those other times to compensate. My rent was $125. Oh my god. I lived on Shirley Ave on the top floor of Maria Thousand. Maria Thousand's apartment building. Yeah. Where were you? Where was I?

Where were you living? Like, oh. Partially I was living in Brighton with some friends from college, and then also I was living at home a lot. Right. And yeah, and we spent a lot of time together at work, at LaFamilia, Georgia,

remember that. And then hanging out at clubs. That's the thing that doesn't exist anymore. It seems like maybe it does elsewhere, but we would just hang out hoping to get five minutes from Rich Sysler or Kevin Knox or Paul D'Angelo or something like that. And that was our night.

And if we didn't get on, we still got to hang around with each other and see a lot of really good comedy. It was a really interesting time. It did, you know, back in the day, that's what you did, like you did in New York at the boss, you would hang out. You would hang out, and that hang is gone.

You get past or you don't. There's no comics hanging out. Cause that's not the way you do it anymore. It wasn't a, hey, you hang out, give tickets away away or you get people to come in and you'll get a spot. Yeah. There was none of that shit. Right. You had a hangout at the club. Yeah. Hope somebody didn't show. Right. Or hope that like you said, somebody took a liking to you and said, Hey,

you want to go up. Yes. And then you went up and if you did good, you get to come back. Right. If you did bad, you had to wait six months. Right? Yeah. There was a there was a meritocracy to it in many ways. There was also there was also I had a good friend, Paul DeAngelo, who put me up on any show he did. And I didn't I often didn't deserve it. But by I did I did I did jump the line by being able to work for it. Yeah, but you put out of the gate. Buddy, I was there.

Okay. I was there. All right. And we were all good out of the gate. Yeah, we were pretty good. Billy was good. He was good. Dane was good.

Yeah. I was good. Yeah. Al was good. And no, I'll tell you what about Al, though, No. I'll tell you what about Al Domenny? I'll tell you, out of all of us, he may have been the most naturally funny. The most naturally funny, charismatic, and acting,

yeah, unbelievable. A great actor and so handsome, but he just did give a fuck. No, no, you know what I mean? I mean, that part of the reason why he was so good was that he didn't give a fuck. We had also the not give a fuck. No. No. I mean, part of the reason why he was so good was that he didn't give a fuck. We had also the not giving a fuck. It means you don't really push for what you want.

Yeah, and then I remember he moved to New York. Yeah. But he moved to Queens. Right. But way the fuck out there. So like when you a home, you a home. Right. I was like, right, get in the city.

And I remember, I got him, finally got Get in the city. And I remember I got him finally got him into the seller to get us to get a audition. Oh wow. And I remember SD is like, oh, you're willing to pay? And he was like, what? And I was like, oh, that was sucky. I didn't only wore a two pay. I didn't. Oh, she was just fucking what I'm. Oh, she's. Oh, of course, he was so sensitive. Yeah. He was a sensitive. But he was always a, he was just fucking what I'm oh, she's oh, of course he was so sensitive. Yeah, he was a sensitive But he was always a he was a girlfriend guy. Yes always had never not had a girl. Yes always had a chick a long-term Girlfriend I remember the first time I met him. He was dating a woman. We were 23. Maybe he was dating a woman in her in her 30s When that might have 12 been your mom and

And and he moved to dairy woman in her 30s when that might have 12th pin your mom. And he moved to Derry. Wow. To be with her. Wow. And then when he moved here, he got another, he moved in with a girl there. Martha. Martha moved here with her.

Yeah. And then she was an old, but she had an old woman's name. And a face. And hands. I'm kidding, I'm sorry. She was very pretty. She was very pretty. She was very pretty. She was very pretty.

Yeah, I went, sure, hand it my shoulder went there. What if you invented this now? The Rodney, I mean, that would have taken off when people would be like, what the fuck? I bet it would. I bet it. I bet it. I hope nobody's coming full circle. Oh, I've heard people are telling joke jokes on stage frequently. You heard about that. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? That's what Jesse Fox was telling me the other day on, on an interview I was doing. He was saying saying I saw comedians just go Telling joke jokes into a microphone and I was I was horrified. She's a Jeremy Piven show

No, there were a few guys in Boston who would go up there with with like joke jokes and yeah, and it was I mean It was that was the other good thing about starting off in Boston. There was kind of a, there was an unofficial attitude of do whatever the fuck you want up there, but be original, right? Be you. Yeah, that was very helpful. Very silo, everybody was silo-edded. Yeah.

Like all of even our thing, we were all funny, but very different. Yes. With similarities. Yeah. But you, what you did, what Dane did, what I did, what Patrice did, what Billy did, what Al did, what, we're all different in our ways.

I feel like there's a lot of the same, well, yeah. There's a lot of the same guy. There's four copies of photocopies of, what is that from? Because I think, is it, my theory is that these guys young kids because remember we've been doing this so long they watch comedy yeah still we

didn't have that ability yeah we had to go on stage right right we don't have the ability to watch comedy exact we had to get up there and do it yeah that's why we we found our way yeah these guys sit there and watch stand-up right clip after clip after clip on all these social media stuff and they kind of find their voice through what they're watching. Right, but there's also a lot of people use that as training wheels and then they discard the training wheels, but a lot of these guys are getting such success so quickly. They never

have to disregard the training wheels. They can just do a version of this guy for their entire careers. It goes back to that, do you want to be famous or funny? Yeah. You want to be good actor? You want to be famous. Yeah, and a lot of guys, a lot of people who were a class of people who wanted to be respected by comedians and each other, mostly.

Just the idea of hack court always makes me think there should be a legitimate official hack court now Right to keep people from biting each other so too many shows too many There's too much there's too many ways to watch stand up now. You don't even need to be in life You can be famous. Yeah, I've ever doing a live show. I know. I mean, this comic that are doing shows in a empty room and adding the laughter and fooling people online and getting, I mean, it's a, you know what it became? Comedy was a dirty, mocked up job. Like nobody wanted it.

When we were getting a subculture of rejects, misfits, and now it's just like getting a job at Best Buy. Totally, it's a industry. Yeah, you can make good money. And you're a foot doctor, a dentist, it's the same thing. And that's what sucks. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it's a bummer because that fact

that you had to wade through the muck and my ear of the Boston comedy scene kept a lot of upstanding people out of it. A lot of people with really good degrees. It filtered the bad. Dr. Dan, who's that? He's a dentist comedian. Oh, Jesus Christ.

My word. I mean dentistry is, they're a, ugh. Organized crime. Is it? I think so. They won't take any insurance. They take my insurance. Your dentist takes your insurance, full 100%.

What insurance? It'll copay like 50 bucks. Really? Yeah. For more than a cleaning. bucks really yeah for more than a cleaning For more than a cleaning. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Thank you. Wait a second. I don't have to do any actual work filling Rupees yeah, yeah, out of pocket. Yeah, yeah, the the the the cleaning is just a loss leader in which they find Thousands of dollars of work

they can build you out of. I don't, every other doctor takes insurance. But dentists, I didn't know that. Because I just go for a year. And then a lot of them won't take Medicare or Medicaid. It's a racket, man. Really? Yeah.

I'm good friends with my dentists. My mom, I'm not used to have to go. My mom, no, if he's doing right by you, but my not used to have to go. My mom, no, if he's doing right by you, but my mom used to have to go to the tough school of dentistry, the toughs university, my uncle's a school of dentistry. Down, down, yeah, to have these 23-year-olds muck around in her mouth. And it took months and months and she was in constant pain. It was a nightmare. I had to do that when my insurance, my SAG thing ran out and I kinda get

all their insurance that wasn't good. I had to go to this place in fucking New Rochelle next to a Staples and this guy was like from a strip mall dentistry. Yeah, he was from like Syria or like the top of Africa somewhere and he was just, I mean, he he was like scraping digging and then I was like, ah, is it you got it? Wow.

And then he goes, he tapped me, goes, you done. I go, I hurt, he goes, you done, you're good. That was like, fuck me dude. Yeah, yeah. That's just the tip of the iceberg with that business. I love that, I love that. The guy in Rochester though, he's a really nice guy. Okay, man owns the Rochester of the iceberg with that business. I love that. I love the guy in Rochester though He's a really nice guy. Okay, man owns the Rochester comedy club the Carlson

He's a great dentist guy and I don't want to say his name wrong So I'm not gonna say it but he's a great guy and he's very generous with comedians in terms of doing dentistry and and things like that He's he's a really kind thought for him and his wife and his wife is a dentist and they're lovely in their vegans. I adore them. I'm actually playing there this week. Oh nice and nice plug. A nice, well, late plug because this doesn't come out till after. Oh, yeah. But we have a live audience watching right now.

Okay. So maybe you guys will, you know, guys should go because this is a great room to see a great comedian. One of the all-timeers. You know, that's where I last drank in Rochester, New York. I don't know that. The first time playing that club, he was driving around it and I was like, this looks familiar. And I go, can you please, and I Googled this farm

that I used to work on? That's right. That farm is right near the club. And I used to work there. He brought me to the farm and I walked around. I'm like, dude, this is where I, this is the last job I had to work there. He brought me to the farm and I walked around. I'm like, dude, this is where I, this is the last job I had when I drank. And we went to the store where I stole the gum ball machines.

Oh. Last time I got arrested, the store was still open. We went by the house where I got a shotgun to my head by the cops. That is. Yeah, ridiculous. You were unarmed, but they felt you needed a shotgun. That's what I said. He goes, if you move, sure to my go, it was gum. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, those small town cops really. Yeah. It was, I went to all those places. Way out of proportion. It was way out of proportion. Gumball. Yeah. It wasn't a really bad ass thing to be arrested for too. geowourced you have a bit you know i had a gumball machine in my house from a it must have been from a grocery store but my mother's twin brother uncle normand was able to know me yeah he was able to get things like that because of his his job was his job he was a criminal

uh... he was a he was a no he really was he was a, no, he really was. He was a burglar. And so we would have one winter we had a pinball machine in our kitchen, like a legit pinball machine from, not from an arcade, but like a sub shop level of pinball machine in our, in our, and it was the old version where you were rolled over it didn't have digital or anything like that it was it was pretty awesome but we were like poor people we could barely afford heat and we had a pinball machine from from Uncle

Norman from Uncle Norman. Yeah he was like he was a fence so sometimes he would have yeah he would have stolen merchandise that he didn't have room for it so we just leave it to my mother's house. And then hilarious. And then some days we'd have a great TV and then the other days we would not have a great TV. But he usually made good on our TV situation. So he'd bring a TV in and then be like, I take this and then replace this. Yeah, because he had sold it.

So far, I remember, dude, when we lived in a part, my mother divorced the bad stepfather. We lived in a two bedroom and she made the living room, the TV room, her bedroom. I remember she had a sleep, like she had a mattress on the floor, my mom. And she worked seven days a week. Oh, you know what I mean?

Yeah, that's it. I remember we grew up. The single mother is this saint of the community. It's such a Boston thing. Al had a single mom a date. Aine had a single mother. Yeah. You had a single Boston thing. Al had a single mom a date. Aine had a single mother. Yeah. You had a single mom.

Yeah. Patrice had a single mom. Billy didn't really. No, but he didn't have a great, he never, he never, he never, seems like he didn't have a single parent because I think his parents didn't get along maybe. I don't know, Billy had a rough life too.

Yeah. Boston. I remember him having this story where his, he overheard his father yelling that he hadn't gotten any sex in a while. Oh really? I mean, he left some art I never, I never knew the real parents argued over sex. Dude, I remember walking in, have a walk on a young mom having sex? No. No. My mother never dated after she and my father divorced. No. There was never that, never that possibility. My my slut mom didn't do that. Oh, she, she remarried that guy. I remember I walked in on them, the back guy. Oh, my word. I can't

get it out of my head. No. Of course. It was the worst. That explains everything. She didn't want it either. I think I think he was assaulting her. Oh Jesus I'm sorry. I know it's terrible. I remember I was I was I think in sixth grade Wow, maybe fifth I remember walking in I caught I had to call my uncle Tommy. He came over Had a great dude. It was I'm you know I was you watch all these things on Instagram and social media where you have trauma as a kid is I got him I got them off course.

I got them off course. And this is the weird thing is that we were brought up to not even deal with it. You know, fuck you. Get over it and ignore it. Yeah, and that was so long ago. That was so long ago. It's still there.

I still think about it frequently. Yes, yeah. And I wonder why. I still think about it frequently. Yes. Yeah. And I wonder why you wonder why these things happen now, why I catastrophize. Hold it. Why I'll take something good and make it bad. Yeah. It's because good things became bad.

We're always waiting for the other shooter drop. Yeah, because I was having fun and then I was getting beat up. Yeah. I some dude that my mom liked. Oh, my word. You know, and you see that. But here's the other connection we have that I don't know. Maybe people are aware of this.

Is that we share a therapist who has added so much to our lives. I mean, I think about him as sort of a guardian angel that we were able to get to at the right time in life too. We need to make big decisions. It bothers me because some people go, oh, that guy, the comic, oh, fuck that. Dude, you didn't try, I went to him,

but didn't know you didn't do it. Right. In my brain, if you went to Allen and you had a problem with him, it's because you're't know you didn't do it. Right. In my brain, if you went to Allen and you had a problem with him, it's because you're fucking, you didn't do it. Yeah. You weren't really trying to do therapy. Yeah. Because I, he calls me a lifer.

Are you a lifer? Yeah, of course, but the idea of being cured from this thing is the wrong approach to analyze it from. I think that the more accurate thing is this is just like lifting weights or going for runs or whatever, but for our brains and for our well-being and our outlook. I mean, I'm a much happier, better person because of this exercise I do once a week on Tuesday from 1.30 to 2.15 frequently, right after you get out of one, my favorite. My Coleman hug.

When I got out of Allen and you got there and I get the Coleman hug, yeah, it's a great feeling. Yeah, I mean, I think the thing that I've learned in the last year is acceptance. Oh my gosh. He's been telling me about acceptance since 2006 and it's only occurred to me as the pretty much the only thing I needed to learn, but it took me 16 years to figure it out. And not just acceptance of yourself, but the people we love in our lives.

It's so valuable. Yeah, but not easy. No, it's not easy. And it's also the fact that I'll have a good day. I'm never gonna have, I thought that going to therapy, going to meetings or whatever, is gonna be a point where I'm just gonna be good. I just go through every day,

it's gonna be the shift for the next 20 years, until I'm dead. It's not that. You have this great day, and you got it all. You worked out, you went to Allen, you feel great, you'd help somebody else out, you're a wife and your kid, you feel loved, and the next day, you wake up,

and somebody says something to you. Yep. Somebody does something, and you feel like shit, and it bothers you, and it's directly related to something back in. Yep. Somebody does something. Yeah. And you feel like shit and it bothers you and it's directly related to something back in the day. You know, I had something last week. I had a great dude, a great time. Great.

I had a great time with the skankfest. Okay. And I, you know, it has this reputation of being this fucking, it's not. It's like everybody's there. Yeah. Women, gays, trans, uh, fucking, uh, black, white, everybody's there. And everybody's doing shows and everybody's hanging out and the fans have such a bad reputation. They're the nicest people in the world.

They literally go, I'm such a big fan. Can I put the photo? Ha, ha, ha, ha? You feel like a rock star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every show is packed with fans that know you. And when you come out, I mean, the barbie. I mean, I can't do that. I was on a panel where three of the four people

admitted to just being with trans women. And we're talking macho guys. Interesting. Yeah, I'm like, this is the greatest festival ever. We're the most progressive festival ever. Right. You know, all the festivals jam trans people on shows to look good. You guys are sleeping with trans.

You guys, you're admitting this is great. Greatest week ever. We're hiking in the fucking desert with Ari. Oh wow. In the desert dude worked out every day, did the shows, canceled some shows because I was doing a little too much. Right? Interesting.

Dude, it's such a good time. Yeah. And then on the way home somebody did something to me. A friend did something to me that fucking kind of made me just crushed. Yeah. And I couldn't let it go. Yeah.

And I went to like Buddha stuff and one of the guys was like, it's like holding a hot coal. Coal, if it burns, put it down. Wow. It won't burn. Yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna put it down. I can't.

I had to call that person. And that person didn't give me the response I wanted. They blame me. And I was like, eh. I talked to Alan. person and that person didn't give me the response I wanted they blame me And I was like, I talked to Alan. It's like dude Accept your friends. Yeah, that's you know that was gonna happen. Yes. Yeah, you know, yeah I know and yet we're surprised so frequently, but we know exactly I Feel like it's 51st dates. I wake up every day and I go, hi, yeah, someone has to put in front of me. Yeah. Good. Do this. Yeah. Pray, meditate, call somebody,

work out, eat right. Think about something you're grateful for. Yes. Every day because I forget. Yeah. You once you're once you're in that place where you're grateful and and feeling good and looking forward to days. Consistently, you have to be vigilant because the the other side is so sneaky in China. It, I've heard it said about booze and drugs, but it's also the same thing with depressive thinking and negative thinking. You really have to be vigilant because you think it's just one day off from not eating right, one day off from not, but that second day is much easier to skip a workout or to skip being with friends or or Or going to Allen. I don't need that Allen in this week. I'd rather not go in and it's just I did it last week We went up this country Wednesday night

um And then Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday didn't work out We kind of ate whatever and I'm on vacation with the out. We kinda ate whatever. And I'm on vacation with the family. Yeah. I'm a blah. Yeah. Came back this morning.

I told my wife, I'm like, I'm fucked. I need to go. I gotta go back on smoothies in the morning. I don't want any more bullshit. Yeah. And I'm more, I gotta go work out right now. I haven't worked out. Yeah.

If I don't work out now, because I lost the weight and I work out now, if I don't work out, my brain gets depressed. Yes. This morning, depressed, parallelization. It fucking paralyzes me. Where I'll do this, I'll go on the road and I'll sit in a hotel room like this,

watching TV or being on my dumb phone. No, I know. I'll be home. I know. It's, it's, it's, it's fucking insidious. Yeah. And it sneaks up and you don't even know that the snake is wrapped around you totally.

And you're like, oh my God. And then you have to break free of it, which is even harder. Yeah. There's a lot of times I got to do it alone. Yeah, yeah, especially when you're on the road. The road is, man, it's tough. You, people would say, oh, but you're away. You don't have as many responsibilities, but it's lonely and it's easy to not do your

routine that you have back at home that gets you gets you healthy Dude the road to me now I gotta go I gotta say I gotta go to Rochester people you know I have to it's my brain my brain will just look at it negative. Yeah, I gotta go I gotta leave you know you built this fucking house You know the person you're I love my wife. Yeah, yeah, I love it. I love it. I love it. Sitting on the couch, watching stupid things with Max and David and Megan. I do, he's so fun. And she's in the background, you know, hanging out.

That's exactly what you always wanted. Always. Fucking want. I have the family I didn't have. Right. I got it. Yeah. But. And then I got it. Yeah. But, and then I gotta leave it.

No, I know. But, it's like, I gotta change my way of thinking. Like, I get to go, I'll go make people laugh this weekend, I'll make some money. But I'm really starting to go, listen, if it's not this, I ain't going. If it can't be here, I'm out. I wanna do one show.

Let me go in that town and do, I don't do five. Yeah. I don't wanna right if it can't be here. Yeah, I'm out. I want to do one show. Yeah, let me go in that town And do I don't do five. Yeah, I don't want to do four. Yeah, let me do one. It's a lot. It's a dude We've done it for 30 fuck years, bro. I know we've been with road dogs. Yep Totally you've done something that I I felt like I was almost there but you've done something that you went and started writing these pieces of comedy, right? Yeah, about something.

Oh, yeah. And then you started playing theaters. And you're not in the clubs as much. Right. And you're coming in, you're doing, and I've always wanted to kind of go there and do that. But and me and you, I got to know people know we were writing this thing together. Yeah. The final fat. Right. And then the COVID hit. Yeah. And I mean, I mean, blew it up. I mean, we will, I mean, dude, it was right there. No, I know. Like, it's not a way. So it's a different thing now. Yeah. I got that surgery. Right. I was fat. We were right in it. Right. But

still nobody is doing anything like that. And that's why that's why it's still viable. Yeah. I mean, I'm still trying to work it over there. I'm back into it now because what happened was, Louis was like, dude, I want to shoot you special. No, I remember. Yeah, and I was like, dude. Yeah, and I was like, I go, I'm doing this thing. I don't want that.

I go, good, I got this whole other hour that we can do that has nothing to do with that. Yeah. And we did this other thing. But I look at that special now, dude. Almost a fucking fat piece of shit. I mean, dude. Right.

350. Wow. Wow. I was heavier than the defensive lineman for the Pats. Yeah. They're 286, 290. Yeah. Six something.

Right, but it's an addiction. It's one of the fucking worst. Yeah. And it still got me, dude. No, I know. It still fucking got me. We went out to dinner for my birthday. I wanted a dumping.

That's when you, like, I eat too much. I can't, my stomach... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at this. That was me a year ago. Look at it. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Don't zoom in on my neck. He's fucking autistic assholes. I mean, just pieces of shit. It's the worst having comics produce your thing. Cause they're like, yeah, let me zoom in on your fucking triple neck. Fucking asshole. This episode is brought to you by Ghost Bed.

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¿Sueñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de posgrado en el extranjero de la Fundación La Caixa, puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate o veca en fundación lacaixa.org. El servicio de streaming gratuito con más de 120 canales dedicados a películas, series, gremene, realities y contenido infantil. BlutTV, ven a is out, right? Yes. Is this an, and I heard you just did another hour? I shot a special in June that's coming out on,

on Max on December 21st. What is it about? Is it just jokes or is it, is it? No, it's about, it's about, it's called Born on Third Base. And it's about my ex-claimer. The chick's tits? No, my, my, no, a third base is down the pants. Oh, shit.

That would be second base. So it's about finger-fucking. No, no. Do we? Imagine that's it. Yeah, that's the, that's the, if your host specials about, what you want to do is come and give it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Never use your pinky in a pussy. It's funny because in the book, I talk about finding out what the bases were from this kid in the neighborhood. He had a paper out and I was just horrified because I never kissed a girl on this guy's like a, and then third base and he just made the motion of going down the pants and I

remember just being like, oh no, I'm horrified by this. I get really anxious around girls and everything like that. If somebody had told me on that day that someday you'll have a wife and she'll walk by you and she'll be completely naked and the thing you will be thinking is don't interrupt this game. It's really something how we grow out of that. But the bases, the bases were, I feel like they were a great, it was a great, for me, and whenever that was invented, the 50s, probably 30s, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's baseball, right? Some dude, yeah. Trying to teach his son. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boundaries, right. Listen, you kiss, yeah.

See where that goes. Right. If she's still into it, oh, I hadn't even thought about that, that it was about going around the- It's about the basis, yeah. It's like go to first. Yeah.

And if you see her going like this, yeah. You can run this second, right? Yeah. And if there's no ball on the ball, you get in the third. And if you get the third, go! So it's like this thing that you used with girls to know that, hey, I'm kissing you right now, and then you would touch your boobs a little bit. If she would, a lot of times, take your hand.

You would let them take the breasts out. And you would go, God, she would, and then you would try to go down. And if she was like, oh my God. And that's the point, most of the time, no, no, no, no. And then you'd be like, okay, all right, okay, no. Look at, I'm using the bases to teach max boundaries. You're like, listen, you know, right, okay, no. Like, I mean, look at, I'm using the bases to teach max. Okay. Boundaries.

You like, listen, you know, no, okay, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're gonna feel fucking, you're gonna be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if there's a more, if you have good morals and you were raised right, when they go, no, and you're like, oh, God, that feeling of fuck. Right. Right.

Yeah. And then you start kissing again. I remember one time I left there, I was like, I can't do this. Why? Because I can't. Because you get the blue balls. Sure. The girls used to love doing that.

Oh, sure. But here's, because you did such a good job at describing the baseball aspect of it, there's this thing where a pitcher will throw over the first base. If there's a runner on first, right, over and over again. Yeah. And and that's almost like I'm going to, I'm going to keep kissing and maybe I'll be able to get that's like the, the, the, the, she's throwing, she keeps throwing over there.

But every once in a while, maybe she won't, she won't throw over this time. And I'll, I'll be able to get second. But oh, so we were talking about why it's called born on third base. over there, but every once in a while, maybe she won't throw over this time, and I'll be able to get second. But oh, so we were talking about why it's called Born on Third Base. It's because I grew up, it's all stories of how poor we were in comparing it to what wealth is now. It's funnier than it sounds.

What you mean, like, but it's about financial inequality and being on welfare and what that meant and that we weren't takers. We were just up against it and we weren't getting that much and being on free lunch and food stamps and all that, the experience and the it was humiliating but also it made us feel like we were gritty and we would take solace in that we were tougher than the rich kids. Yeah. Probably isn't always true, in some cases it's true, but also we suffered too, and we have

anxiety about money. I'm sure anybody who grew up that way, we have anxiety about money to this day, and everything is about working hard. When there comes a time, we probably won't have to work so hard, but we're instilled with this fear. Yeah, I mean, one of the biggest things that I had overcome living with a girl is having a joint bank account. Oh, my word, right?

Because I was like, you don't understand how I do my money. You can't just, you? Because I was like, you don't understand how I do my money. Yeah. You can't just, you know what I mean? Like I was terrified of money. I was terrified of money. And then there was a point where I was like, I know I can provide. Right.

I'm not gonna have, I might not have what that guy has. Fuck you money. Yeah, right. We got a bunch of people who love you, jerky y'all has, fuck you money. Yeah, right. We got a bunch of people, fucking jerky y'all laughing at you shit. Yeah. But I can roof, I remember when I was a kid,

it was about a roof, food. Yeah. And it was shelter, food. Yeah. And values, like, oh yeah, totally. Yeah. That was the American dream. Yeah.

Like 13 of us lived in a three bedroom in Medford. Wow. But nobody, it wasn't like a, it was just, yeah, that was the Donlands. Wow. They lived there. That's what you did. Yeah.

My grandfather, Catholic, had sex with my grandmother eight times. Nine times, one of them died. Wow. You keep them. Wow. You can't just get rid of them. You can't be times. One of them died. Wow. You keep them. Wow. You can't just get rid of them. You can't be like, I have a career. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And my mother had me and my sister. We all lived there. Wow. And I was the happiest time of my life. Yeah. I don't. I never felt more loved.

Yeah. I never, it was just, it wasn't my uncles lived in the basement, musty basement. My uncle Tommy lived in the sun porch, freezing in the winter. Yeah. We lived in my uncle Sean and my uncle David, and my mother and me and my sister on the floor

next to the weight bench. Yeah. In their room, it was my favorite author. I brought him up with you a lot. It's Kurt Fonegett. And he always talks about in a lot of his books, the importance and the value of an extended family And he said when couples are arguing it's usually because

He's saying when they're yelling they're yelling you're not enough people for me You're not you're not providing enough different interests and ideas and Conversation and love and support support as we used to get. And I mean, that makes a lot of sense to me because one of my favorite times growing up was when we didn't have, there were certain rooms in our house that just didn't get hot or warm in the winter. So my brothers and I would huddle in this one room where it was better heat

And I would sleep on the floor in between these two twin beds and And my father put an end to it. He says my son's not gonna sleep on the floor But but I talk about it in the book and I'm not just trying to plug the book But it's really meant something to me. We would stay up so late shooting the shit They weren't much older than me, but we would laugh. And it's one of my great memories of my life. And if we had all had our own room, that never would have happened.

And you miss out on that. So I remember my uncle, Sean, literally, we were next to a weight bench, a full size mattress. My mother, my sister, and me. I remember I would wake up all the time, Michael Sean, who had the paper out, always had a job. Wow.

He would, I would always wake up to like a twinkier. Oh, something. Man. I would always wake up to that little... Wake up to love. And I would be next to me on the thing. And I remember that to this day. And I remember taking a, let's go take a walk

and we'd walk up the street. And I mean, all five of my uncles, I was like, they're a little mascot. Yes, that's what I was with my brothers. They were 10 and 13 years old, older than me. They would take me all over the place to their games and out with their friends and to the mall and everything like that.

And I just, I remember this one time, I was, my grandmother was staying there. And so she had, she had her own room. And I went into that room because it was also my room. And my mother said, oh, old people, they don't shut the door. Anyhow, Nana's boobs. I don't know. You've talked about grandparent boobs.

It was, I don't know. I don't know. I remember talked about a grandparent boobs. It was, I don't know. I don't know, man. I remember you had a joke about, maybe it was that you would picture your grandmother and grandfather having sex and you said, I don't like broccoli. I didn't like broccoli growing up, but now I like it.

Am I going to like having sex as an old person? And then I would take the swing it over your shoulder. You said, what do you do? You huck it around the room. And it always made me think of my grandmother because it didn't so much fall out of her, it unfurled. It was like a, it had the sort of the length and circumference of the snake that popped out of the can of peanuts, you know that?

Remember that thing? So that happened, and I remember telling my brothers the story and then I wrote a rhyme about it and everything, and we were laughing. We wrote a rap? Yeah, well, it wasn I wrote a rhyme about it and everything and we were laughing Yeah, well it wasn't really a rap it was this song. I was walking down the hall one day Gonna go to my room to play when I turned around the door I saw her boobs upon the floor and decided I should run away and and we We did this laugh like you know laugh, we've had this many times

on the road together where you're like, stop because I'm in pain and I may have a stroke. And that was the laugh we were doing. And I will never forget it as long as my mother would overhear the laughter and come in and start. And I tell the story and she's like excuses, but also she was laughing. Oh man, those were some of the best times in my life.

Yeah, I remember, dude, it was, you know, in people I was, I didn't realize this until recently that Boston was like white slums. Oh yeah, working class people lived in. Working class people. Yeah, we would just know money. Yeah, and these neighborhoods. We were just no money. Yeah. People had jobs.

Yep. The weird thing was that you didn't have to have a lot of money to own a house. Back then, no. Yeah, because houses were shit. Yeah, and our house costs like $17,000 or something like that. And with the GI bill that my father was a World War II vet. So we were able to get a home, but we were broke.

Yeah, my grandma's parents house, my grandpa's house, $13,000. Wow. Eight, eight? No, not eight. 12 people lived in it. Yeah, and you were able to get a fair mortgage. You had a backyard with a garden.

Yeah, he had every roses, food, front yard, same thing he did. He gardened. He had one car, grandma the neverrove. What was your grandfather's name? Joe Donlin. Worked for the ATF as a tax guy back in the day. Went to World War II vet. Wow.

Yeah, dude, just a man. Yeah. I mean, he smokes cigars and pipes in the house. Wow. He had his Archie bunker chair. My grandmother had her chair next to him. No way. 100%. Well, I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm not going to be a man. Yeah. I mean, he smokes cigars and pipes in the house. Wow. He had his Archie bunker chair.

My grandmother had her chair next to him. No way. 100%. What was her name? Mary Donlin. Mary Donlin. The best. Worked at the factory during the day, making extra money.

Yeah. They didn't have money. I remember, they didn't have money. They had five boys. And I used to have to go to the store twice a day to get gallons of milk Because they just drank me. Yes, and they're you know milk whole milk. Yeah from Johnny's food master Wow, I know Johnny's food and they just have quick the powdered quick. Yep, and She had to change it to

For like six months they'd have money because the my she my They had a milk guy for a while. And she ran the bill up to like 800 bucks. My grandfather flipped out, made her get powdered milk. Wow. I remember that. Man, imagine how much $800 was back then?

That was like $20,000 back then. Yes. All the poor thing. I'm so sad. I remember he built the shelf on the corner of the kitchen next to the cabinets. And my grandmother just put shit on it. You know, little things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he would walk by it every time I was there. He'd walk, stop. He'd go, I built this. And now there's all this crap on it. And then he would just walk. I mean, the funniest guy ever, I remember I'm in the basement. I used to go back there, I used to stay in the basement.

Where the TV was, his little TV room was. And he'd go out open, I see a silhouette and he'd come in, he'd pop in, and then you'd hear a mumbling. Got son of a bitch bastard. And I went out one time and I go, who are you talking to, pup? He goes, the only one who listen.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Um, and what would he watch back then? Oh, PBS really? Dude, my punishment, he would always joke on, when was I think of? Well, my sister and me, he would never punish her. He was very misogynistic. He really talked to the girls. Interesting. Yeah, I mean great guy But very you know later in life. That's not misogyn and I think it's more show vanism show vanism. Yes. No, he told them bitches

Dumb, dumb rods But he He would always punish me, never punish my sister. So when we got into trouble, he would make me sit next from a watch, fucking TV. And his TV was the most boring, PBS, politics shows. But not like now where it's exciting and all. Back then it was one old fucking white dude.

The great thing was that in Irish, where it was a lot of self-advocated and and everybody back then was up on civics man They knew about they knew about politics and everything like that and they read the paper every day every day They were they were really remember the paper. Yes. I used to love the paper man the papers Go down cup of coffee the paper Yeah, and some through it And you thought I mean it was the best huh and and and we were very Limited in that we couldn't look up for anything but anything we did find we oh we digested it really There was anything ever on a stand-up comedian or a movie we liked.

Oh my gosh, we would devour it. Too much. And save it. And now it's like, where do I begin? I can know everything there is to know about a scene from a movie that I liked. And back then, you really had a scour, a library, or my word. I mean, it kind of, we came from, I mean, dude, they say the greatest generation. I think our generation the 70s 80s and 90s was probably the last last really tough fun kid just a fun time to be a kid. I think you will like my book because I cover the I cover the nature of the 70s and the 80s in terms of the lifestyle kids were

afforded like there was a point where my mom was working at a hallmark store at the North Shore shopping center Yeah, and she couldn't afford a babysitter so she would just bring me and let me wander around the mall Yeah for five hours on a unaccompanied But I made friends with the teens who worked at Orange Julius. They'd give me free hot dogs, free, free julieuses, and then the kid who worked at the record store was a neighbor, so he'd let me thumb through the things and he'd play whatever I wanted to hear. It was called music land. It was right next to Sears and next to Bookends where they had a bookstrike go in there and look at books online. It really, it was kind of like my internet

and that I got to listen to a lot of music and read a lot of magazines and stuff like that. And then I'd browse the, the R equivalent of Amazon was just going to the Toys or Us and browsing and looking and you could play with certain things. And then you could go down to Sears and they had the Atari and the Intellivision set up and they'd let you play for about 45 minutes before they'd kick you out. And then you could see down to Sears and they had the Atari and the Intellivision set up and they'd let you play for about 45 minutes

before they'd kick you out. And then you could see on the riding lawn mowers. There was also a shop where they sold the pianos in organs that might go in there. That was like my show. Sears in Robuck? No, Sears in Robuck was there. But that's where I could sit on the riding mowers and play the tary but it was called scottie piano and organ and this guy and his

two sons ran it and they listen they play a medley for you knock your own your ass these guys were great with the with the organs and and piano so I was getting I was getting a great education I remember the guy who worked at the piano place, he took me for an ice cream at the Baskin Robbins and he wanted nothing more. He just wanted to take me for an ice cream. He didn't want me and he was in the kid's ex. No, there was no obligation on my end

and he didn't even hint at anything. It was just... You'd try to go to second place. And I know it's like, Pollyanna, whatever, that everything was fine, but I think the idea of kids were about to be kidnap at any moment was overstated. I think we were pretty safe

and there was kind of an understanding that you looked out for each other's kids. I think back then, absolutely, because I'm not, I remember going to the park by myself. Me too. I remember there was a torrential rain in a place dead park and that a little river that was a sword rain. It was the sewer.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I keep lying in it, me and Chris Brotcher, of course. And it was a fucking flood going into a sword. It was shit water from the source and we were just playing it. And no parents were down there. I had no idea. I'm out. I'll see you later. Yeah. And now like Max left came back with tuberculosis. Max came the other day and he goes to his mom, these kids showed up for the first time. Kids on bikes from his school.

Wow. And they were like, they wanted to go to the high school and drive around. Uh huh. And Dom was like, I don't know what to do. I go, let him. I go, Don, I was jumping roof to roof when I was five in downtown West Medford.

Roof to roof. Fucking jumping. I go, let him go, what's he, does he not ride a bike, yes? Does he know how to not get, look both ways when he, we've caught him everything he needs to know. If you don't let him go right now, you're gonna get, you're not, his responsibility he has, he's not gonna have it.

He's gonna feel, he's gonna go to you for everything. Let him go. And how much of you do you see in him? A lot, yeah. I gotta be careful. Okay. I gotta be careful not to give him,

I gotta be careful not to go, you're so awesome, you're so great. I gotta be careful. I don't wanna, I wanna be like, man, you did good. How do you feel about it? You know what I mean? You feel good. Yeah. I gotta be very careful with the way I do it,

because I don't wanna, I don't wanna be too over the top. You're so awesome, you're doing good. I want him to fucking have a realistic view. The things that are important to me, common sense, compassion, love, and don't lie. Don't lie, that's great. I go, just please don't lie to me.

If you come to me, you'll be able to tell me anything. You'll be able to tell me anything you do. And I'll know you're not lying to me, and you'll be able to tell me anything. Yeah. You'll be able to tell me anything you do. And I'll know you're not lying to me and I'll be able to help you and I'll always have you back. If you lie to me and you lose that trust, it's not something you just give back. Everything's going to be a question after that. But you can come to me with anything. Always tell me the truth, no matter what. And, you know, common sense is a big thing too.

But, and love. Yeah. I think love is one of the biggest things. I try to tell Dawn, I like, we're trying. And we have nobody helping us. Yeah. It's not the 50s where your dad's like, well, did you talk to him?

I can't go to a front porch and go, dad, I had it. Well, you know, so when I, when you were a kid, remember when I, yeah, I don't have those times. Right. So it's, you know, I want him to like, like, I remember when I was up on the roof. Who said, can I come up? I was like, yeah. Don't I was like, be, I was like, I remember when I was up on the roof. There was a, can I come up? I was like, yeah. Don't I was like, beat? I was like, yes. Don. Yeah.

Cause I know other guys who would never let their kids do that. Right. I bought, we were up in the Hampshire this weekend. Up at the tiny house. Yeah. And up there, they have these fucking old time stores that are still there. Oh wow.

These are the places, before Walmart was up there, this is where you went. The original Walmart is now, these little barns, old houses with stores, and they have everything from a little odd Joe to damn if I know. Can I tell you about a really cute place? And I don't, it might be in Georgetown mass or whatever,

but it was like a Who knows how old it is but it felt old and what it had was it had a store that sold milk Yeah, and then for some reason right next door it had another place that sold sort of artisan milk like milk I don't know how it'd been pasteurized and then there was a lemonade stand and then around the corner from that was a place that made fudge so it was it was milk milk lemonade and then and then round the corner they made fudge and there was a there was a there was a counter where you could buy the fudge but also it was a factory it was a uh... there was a counter where you could buy the fudge but also is a factory it was a fact

uh... how do you I'm sorry. No, it's just fucking great. That idea never gets a very good setup. And I thought I could really backdoor it. You know, because I built up so much trust over the years. It was a really long con. Oh, my gosh. There's god no way guys going for a diarrhea and

Titson and and and peepy joke and then he did You got me dude You happy I was I was trying to remember the store the store. Is that a limb field? Oh, God. Anywho. I bought, we went to these stores, and they're up in the country, and they have everything. You know, rain gear to fucking Chinese stars, you know, and it's all stuff from China. Oh, okay. And then, you know, but it's all stuff from China. Okay. And then, you know, but it's all, then there's all Trump stuff. Oh, you know, you know, it's like, it's like Hampton Beach. Yeah, dude.

It's like, you guys don't, like we went to the fair. And it's like all these red neck, you know, yeah. And then, but it's all Mexican dudes, like, illegal Mexicans running all the rides. No, I know. You know, it's like, you guys don't know sense of irony.

It was very funny. Yeah. But you go in there and I bought him a samurai sword and I bought him a crossbow. Wow. And Dom was like, what the, I go, Don. I'm gonna teach him how to respect a samurai sword. Like kill Bill.

Yeah, I was just gonna say like sunny-cheap, but he's still Bill. Yeah, I handed the to him like this. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And I'm gonna teach him to use the crossbow. Oh wow. I took, we have a target and we're out the woods.

I go listen man. Well you learn that a power cross, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Ha ha ha yeah. Yeah. Listen yeah, a crossbow. I mean Jewish kids learn how to archery at a very young age. Yeah yeah yeah archery.

So it's like it's like, I go we've got to chill out a little bit. Give me a little responsibility. Give me a chance to fuck up a little bit. Does she ever win these types of arguments with the, she understands don't boss bossin' too. Right.

I told her the other day, I go, don't, do you remember me what you did? I go, you were smoking when you were 12. Yeah. At the park. No, it's true. With your friends. He's just wants to go take a bike ride.

Yeah. He wants to go take a bike ride and we're like, I don't know, fuck that. Let him go. We're so, because you'll love your kids. I love your kids. And we don't have eight of them. Right. If you had eight of them, you might be,

you know what I mean? But one thing I was thinking of when you were talking about, I don't wanna build them up too much. And I think, not build them up, I said it the wrong way. Okay. Not that I build them up too much, but if you,

you were talking about the realistic. If you're praising them all the time, unwarranted, I think it's bad. I think that if you give them, if you hate me and you did a great job, you did it, that was awesome, man. How do you feel about it? And let them respond, I think I feel like I let him respond to it.

He'll be like, that was good, but I didn't, you can do it next time. And it makes them achieve. Yeah. Dude, you're so great. Everybody's great, you're awesome. You're the best. I don't think that's, I think,

when he deserves that, yeah, when he doesn't, or if you didn't do something totally, I'd be like, dude, you kiddass today, you know, like fidgets would do. You gotta listen a little more if you could try that, but you killed it today, you really focused on that. This was great, that was great. You just gotta, you know, on that one move, and that gives him the thing, like, all right,

I'll try to get that thing. Instead of just, thanks. I'm awesome. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. I just think that there's something Alan always says is that one of the more important things you can do for your kids is enjoy them and enjoy their company and really let them

know that you like their character, their behavior, their personality and stuff like that. I don't think that was ever a concern of our family. Part of my family probably enjoyed certain aspects of me, but there always seemed to be this management of, I had no ego, but they were trying to keep me in my place. I didn't really think that much of myself And they but at any time I had an opportunity to glow to or be proud or anything like that I do why don't you my brother's favorite expression was okay Why don't you get a hinge on your back seat and blow yourself? Which is like Alan Alan told me that's not even an original thing

But I remember hearing that any time I would say anything. You know how athletes are, they're always two in their own horn, which is part of the appeal, part of the appeal, and I would have a good game or make shots in basketball or the catch balls in football and be like, when you get a hinge on your back, you can blow yourself. When you first start working out, you start showing your muscles in the mirror and everything like that.

And it's just like, and that was the same thing. Why don't you put a hindrown back, so you can blow yourself. And it's like, first of all, it's disgusting. And second, is this the worst thing that I feel good about myself? I've been so self-deprecating and self-effacing my entire life when I start to feel myself a little bit

and they immediately try to put it out because I think a lot of people can't handle their reflection on you. I don't like how I feel about myself. Why does this guy have to have some self esteem? And it's bummer, man. Well, you know what I've done in the last couple years is that I've eliminated people out of my life

who was the thing I read, avoid all thoughts that make you weak. Oh, wow. That's really good. And I wrote it down in my sauna. And I've tried to do that in the last few years of people that make me weak or people that I just, I don't have the time for. Yeah.

I just, I don't. Right, yeah. You know, that's my kid, my wife, number one. Yep. And then there's wife, number one. Yep. And then there's people outside of that. Yeah. And there's people that I have in my life that I'm not gonna accept, right?

Try to not change them. Yeah. It is what it is, because I'm a fuck up too. I do bad shit. I fuck up as a friend all the time. Yeah. Then there's the people outside of that who I cut the fuck out.

Yeah. Because I can't, you, they just represent something I cannot be a part of. Yeah, that's a hard thing to do. Right. Because I'm going this way. Yeah, I'm trying to be a father and a husband and a friend and a family, you know what I mean?

Yeah. I can't, I can't, I'm not trying to be a gazillionaire, fucking banging brawds, having, I'm just not, I know, that's not enough. One time was my thing. Let me get as much money, as much coach, and have as much fun. And how happy were we, not very?

I was not, I was happier times. And the memory's great. It's great leading, but I'm a relationship. Yeah, and the values that we have, they don't, they don't, they don't, it's a young man's game. But also they don't intersect with what we want out of life.

What did that fucking change? When did we, it's like all of a sudden it's like, no, we always wanted a family. I think we were always had that thing inside of us. Yeah. But then all of a sudden something happened where it was like, I'm just gonna go do this guy now. I wanna go be who I always thought I was.

Well, we had people in our life who we saw that happening to. And we're like, oh, that looks like a lot of fun. Right. And, but they weren't, that looks like a lot of fun. Right. But they weren't very self-aware. So they weren't saying, not, it's empty, man. It's empty. And it gets emptier as you get older and you realize that there's no connection there.

I mean, that's what Alan talks about. So frequently is our connections with each other and looking into each other's eyes and being able to be ourselves around people. That's the real value. I mean, I look back on dating and it's like, oh my gosh, I had to be this other more interesting and interested guy that was really not me. It was what I thought girls Girls would be attracted to.

I'm so glad I have to go through that. Oh, I feel for these young guys. Yeah, so fucking glad. Yeah. I have a street joke. You want to hear it? Yes. The book is called misfit growing up awkward in the 80s. I'm going. I can't wait to get it. I think you like it. You can also listen to get it. I think you like it. You can also listen to it on Audible if you like that. Yeah, I wanna read it.

All right, cool. All right, cool. How many pages? 288 I think. Wow. That's a book. It's a real book. Maybe I'll listen to it.

I, it's a 10 hour listen. A 10 hour listen. Yeah. Did you do the voice? Yeah. How was that? Awesome. Really?

Yes. Because I've listened to, I figured it out on my, on my audible app, 244 books. Just on that audible app. Plus all the ones I used to borrow from the library on CD, right? So I've listened to hundreds of these. And I always, I always used to say,

first of all, I'm going to make sure I pronounce all the names in places right so that I don't irritate people who know the real answer. And the other thing is, it's an acting exercise, really. You have a director in there, and they get you to say this thing. We're pretty good at it already, because we've been doing conversational stand-up for a long time. We're not, what do you call it? Novises? No, there was a type of comedian when we first started that use, this is the word you used to use. You ready? Shmami. Shmami. Yeah. Fucking Shmami. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those types of

comedians were really well rehearsed and it was just coming off and it was also so rhythmic and everything like that. But even in our early days, we knew, even before the alternative comedians were really good at it, but we knew even in Boston, we're gonna talk like we talk. Yeah, yeah. And that was really helpful. Yeah, I remember those Shmami cogs,

that could be. I do, they're fucking tumbling. I'm still mad at a couple of them. Oh yeah, of course. Fucking catch your horse. But we need to let that go because here's another thing I realized that where What we're really angry at is the unfairness of this business and of life and so we'll pick a person and put all our resentment into that person and it's really and and yes that person sucks and everything like that

But it's it's really we're just using them as like a scapegoat for all our anger and rage. And rage, we both got rage. Oh my God. Me and you got it. Oh, hair trigger. It's hair trigger. Laser, whatever.

Oh, it is laser. Like militant fucking. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one great thing I learned from my wife is how to argue kindly rather than go for the win Yeah, which is the way we're taught from growing up with our dysfunctional families is that you just what's the most hurtful thing I can say right now and and say it and and it's not good for it's not good for a marriage He told me you don't have to win.

Yeah. And be weak, apologize. Yes. He told me to apologize to my wife. But I go, that's fucking weak. He goes, be weak, apologize. Yeah. It's a, yeah.

Weakness is a strength. I did apologize to my wife. I know what she said. What? You're a fucking pus. No. I'm kidding. Ha ha ha.

I did something the other day that I had I must have read about it somewhere where I just we got this huge argument at literally 6 10 a.m. and and I came back after exercising and I said can we just start over and and it wasn't like a trick. I was just like Please give me a do over on this because I I I fucked up and yeah, and and it and it was so helpful I did the same thing with Max Max had a really bad day and it got to the point I screamed Yeah, yeah, cuz he was acting like an asshole sure and he went in the room And yeah, he was punished like an asshole. Sure. And he went in the room and he was punished.

He's sitting in the thing. I went in the shed and I was just sitting like, what the fuck is happening? Yeah. This went from here to here. I went back in, he was crying. Cause his mom. And I just went, let's go.

And he's like, what? I go, let's go. And I go, I put him in the car, put him in the truck. Wow. I said pick a song and He picked a Metallica turned the page no way perfect song. Oh my gosh this moment, right? I'll tell you something Not always but sometimes the cover especially it's by Metallica, is better than the original. Way better. And I love that song. It's great. I do love that song.

But the Metallica version, wow. Put that on and I'm like, I was almost like, nice fucking. Yeah. We listened to it. We drove on the highway. Sawmill, listen to Metallica. I love the Sawmill Pocque. The Sawmill River Pocque. Oh, it's the best.

Yeah. I found it diner. I pulled over. Wow.'ll river pop away. Oh, it's the best. Yeah, I found a diner I pulled over wow It tapped him. I go let's go And I get out of the car and he fucking put his arm around me Oh, and I hugged him and I go wow want to do a do over yeah, I think everybody got carried away today Yeah, we got a little let's start over. I love it went inside. I go order what you want I order what I want and I said we need to go through what happened yeah, I go tell me the truth

Yeah, he's told me this oh I mean that wound up he was getting bullied at school. Wow and Then he told me what he did and then we went through this and then I go Why did you do this the amount and we we went through this. And then I go, why did you do this to your mom? And we slowly went through everything, step by step, and then everything was fine. Oh my gosh. And then we went back and we sat down with his mom and not to get, I was a fucking comedy podcast,

but who gives a fuck? And we worked it all out, you know what I mean? And then he went back into school the next day and beat the shit out of those brods. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What is this? Do you want to do that Boston street thing? No, no. If you want to, we need to go just the questions. All right, what do you got? I will go to the questions, yeah. Dude, I'm telling you right now, the fact that, you know,

you're dealing with your fucking life through your comedy is what a comic is. Oh, thank you. The fact that some of you going up there and talking about depression, anxiety, your childhood, your past, your present, and you wanna have funnest guys in the game. And everybody knows it.

Thank you. And it's inspiring to me to see that shit. And you're out, you're not on a team. It's inspiring to me to see that shit. And you're out, you're not on a team. You're on your own team. Which, you know what I'm saying? We've always been part of something. Right, right. You're out there, you went and did your own thing.

You broke free of this, whatever the fuck it is, and you went and did your own thing. Yeah. To carry yourself yeah and then put all that into your craft and then presented to people and they responded. Oh man, I hadn't thought about that. That's really nice of you to say.

If I had, I was gonna bring a copy of my book for you and then I was like, don't shove it in his face and insist. But I was going to write in it that I can't imagine my life without having had you in it. I mean, just so many great moments and just such great friendship and so many great pep talks and celebrations and we've really, I mean this is overstating in a course, but we're like old wartime buddies. Yeah, man Because we're veterans. Yeah, we're lifers and we're veterans and we we I I used to think oh just let me get get to a point where I can make a living out of but I wouldn't I wouldn't give up those times When we were struggling for

all the money. It really was special in it, and it's like with the Samurai sword, that fire really does something with the, I forget what it does to a Samurai sword, but it's essential to tempering the steel. It's a treat. Yes. Yeah, you got to focus on itself. Yes.

80, 80 fucking 70 times. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, and then you and then you and those just to the Dictority gigs Yeah, I mean dude Warriors. Yeah, and here's the thing I had somebody recently say to me I Past you 10 times in the business You know bust and balls bubble, blah, blah, blah. And I looked at it and I go, I don't know what you, I mean, I've got a wife, I got a son, I got friends, I got a roof over my head, I paid for my kid to do certain things, food on his mouth, and I enjoy my time with those people. And I, I, I, I, wait a minute, he thinks

he's 10 laps past you. Whatever, it was this thing. But here's the thing. By the way, we're tortoises. We're going to be, we're going to be moving a lot after these fucking hairs are exhausted. How many tools have we seen? Oh my gosh.

How many fucking people? Because I think about so many. I've seen the ups. Yeah. Yeah. At them. Yep. And I, and I, but I've seen the ups. Yeah, yeah, Adam. Yep. And I but I've seen down.

Yeah, and the down is a motherfucker. Yeah. If you don't have a life, yeah, totally. If you don't have a life to come back to that down, totally is crazy. And they and they may make more money and get more fame, but they're not going to be half the comedians we are. Well, even if they do, the thing is that I love my life.

I love my life. No, me too. Me too. If I could freeze it in its level right now as far as I don't go any further back. I don't go any further forward. I would be so content with what I have right now. I'm so grateful. We've never done this.

We've always done this. Yeah. We never did this. We did this again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We've always done this. Yeah, yeah, steady.

We never went back. Yep, totally. Ever. No, because we're always, yeah. You're one of those guys who's always fucking putting it back into your work and everybody who knows that you want to have fun as guys. These fucking nerds working for me.

How excited when you were coming in. They could give a fuck about me. But they love you. Oh, that's really nice to hear. You want the most respected standups in the business. Everybody fucking knows it. Well, that's really nice to hear. And I'm glad that you wrote this book. It's a nice to hear. You want the most respected standups in the business. Everybody fucking knows it. Well, that's really nice. And I'm glad that you've fucking wrote this book.

Go get the book. Go get the book. It's called Miss Fit. Growing up, awkward in the 80s. There it is right there. He's got a new hour coming out. What's the new hour? When is that coming out?

1221 on max. And it's called Born on Third Base. Born on Third Base. Yeah. You want to hear my joke first? Yeah. Three Jews come to America. Uh-huh. One Goldberg, Silverberg.

And the last one's Taylorburg. And they go, do you know it? No. They go, OK, we're going to go make our fortunes. We'll come back here in 10 years. And we'll tell each other how we did it. They all go away. 10 years later, they meet the same spot.

They go, all right, what happened? Goldberg, you go first. All right, I went into the gold business. I made millions, buying and selling gold. Great. Silverberg, what'd you do? I did the same thing. I went into the silver business.

I made millions, all my millions, selling silver. Oh, well, that's awesome. Tellerberg, what'd you do? Well, I went to the Taylor business. And I, I worked my fingers to the bone. For years, I didn't make a dime. I lost money. Finally, I was just praying.

Please God, please help me. Help me make my money. Help me make my fortune. I don't, I'll do anything. I'll make you a partner. Look at what happened. You have here a Lord and Taylor? Ha! Oh my God. That is, that's interesting because I think I mentioned Lord and Taylor earlier in the

in the show. Oh, that's really good, man. Came up with you. What you have funniest street joke. You have favorite funniest. There are two Jewish men in front of a firing squad. And one of them is, well, the guy who's the leader of the firing squad, the master sergeant, or whatever, he says, do you guys have any last request? And one of them says, well, can I get a blindfold?

And his friend says, Murray, don't make trouble. Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Murray, don't make trouble. Yeah. It really captures the kind of immigrant ethos and just trying to mind your

piece and cues like anything could happen worse. Yeah. All right, we got scruffy bones. Gary, where have you been, dude? Oh, why haven't I been on YKWD? No, I think, you know what? Because I think what you do is you go away, you work on your shit. Yeah. And then when your hour is done, you go and tour cause I think what you do is you go away, you work on your shit, yeah. And then when your hour's done, you go and tour it. And then you're writing a book, you workin'. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, see, here's the thing. And I love that you do that. And I'm kinda jealous of it, but I think I could do it is that, I have to do these gigs every week because I have that fucking, you know, my wife and my kid and house and blah, blah, blah. I kind of put myself in that position, you know,

but I think what you do, which I admire and I envy is that you'll go and do small gigs, work your stuff for the year. Yeah, yeah, that's what I did this summer from May to, till September, I did, I did this summer from May to till September I did I did I did an hour and a half two hour show is working out this new tour material so that I could I could tour with the book and I didn't want to do jokes from the book because I felt like people would be like oh what the fuck we just we

just heard this joke the other night and now he's selling it to us in a book so I had a I had to write a new new hour and 15 hour and a half for the road. But the other thing is that book, man, I was disciplined about it because I didn't, you make a contract, you got to come through. So I was putting in a lot of hours on the book. And so when I had to go out on the road, I also had to during the day right before I did the show. So it was because it's like exercise and eating right. You take one day off from writing the book

and one day becomes two weeks. And then the editor is like, this is, there are deadlines involved. So I just remember being in high school the last time or college, the last time I had a deadline and knowing all the anxiety that comes up and then you wind up doing a half-ass job last minute and I didn't want that to happen.

So I started almost right after I assigned the contract and finished it. It took over three years. Yeah. And now it's out and now you start. Yes, so you can go see if you're going to go to Europe at any time soon? Oh, I don't think so.

But someday, she'd go, dude. You probably have a lot of fans in the UK. I think I may, but the thing is, is that it's hard to maintain the routine like we have, even on the road in the United States. It's much easier than being in a foreign country and there are certain things I need to do every day. I bring a deflated basketball and play when I'm on the road every day.

I just, and maybe I'm wrong about this, but I just imagine that all the basketball courts are either indoors or difficult to find. Did your gypsy's a lawyer record? I don't know. I don't know why I'm just grass. Why a picture? I picture the old J. O. Cresson joke about every country living the same with a woman

with a scarf running away from vandals. The UK just seems cold and fucking cold and rainy rainy and these people talk about going to Edinburgh or whatever to do these shows for four weeks and you have to do like 16 shows a weekend. And also it's rainy and their idea of a first class hotel is our Lakinta, right? Or it's just going to spiral staircase to which you used to use, right? Totally. Totally. Yeah, I know.

And you share your room with a talking bird. Yeah. The basketball court is cobblestone? Yeah, it's the ball. Totally. Totally. And the hoop is on the ground. Right. Yeah. Well, you just, yeah.

Yeah, well, you got a fan out there, scruffy bones. Jay, obviously making jokes as a teacher in a classroom is not allowed anymore. But I'm curious how far you would go when you were a teacher, ever roach the kids like the adolescent's tards, why would they say tards? They are. Oh, geez, Louise.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Anyhow, I lived and grew up in the same city that I at the high school I taught at. So I was able to do jokes about the teachers that we had in common. And I remember this one kid worked at CVS. And I knew the manager at the CVS. And I would tell jokes about the manager at CVS,

and I would make fun of the local cable personalities, and the other thing was, in terms of roasting, I remember there was one kid who would not shut up, and I told him, and he had not yet hit puberty, and I said, I don't wanna hear your voice again until it changes, so I think that was the closest I ever came to a roast, but I was very careful on, but I'll tell you, I was roasted by these kids

because the teenagers, especially teenage girls, can be mean. Oh my word, they would just decimate me with these comments on my hair or clothing or. Really? Yeah, they were brutal. That sucks. They were actually, you shirt and you would feel it?

Oh yeah. I remember just somebody mocking the origin of my shirt. It was clearly Old Navy and they ridiculed Old Navy because they were into whatever Hollister or Abrahamian fit. American apparel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I was wearing old Navy because I was making $45 a day and whatever you would get doing middle spots in New

England, which was maybe $75, but like a seven, remember a $75 gig? Oh my gosh, that felt good right into the calendar. $75 bucks. Oh my gosh. That's almost a hundred. You could round up to a hundred and it was cash. Oh my god. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh the best. I used to get a check for $75. Remember the $50 spots? Oh my god. You have to go to Billy Downs and he'd be like, I come back on Tuesday. And then he would always say the same thing. I would be like, Billy, you owe me money. It's eight weeks now.

You've owed me this money. And he would say, it's not like a just sister. And I'm like, is there nothing in between oweing me money and, and, and, getting the sister? Yeah, and sister, I mean, what a horrible thing to bring up, like, and how dare I ask for this money that I had earned.

It's not like I fucked your mother in the ass. Why did you? Yeah, my gosh. Alex H. For both of you, what are some of your least favorite things you do to keep a healthy mind, eye meditation, action, affirmations, etc. I know what mine is. It's a really good question. It is a good question. I think, I mean, I really do always look forward

to going to Alan. I think, man, I would love it if I could just eat tons of sugar and candy and sweets and everything like that, but it fucks with my brain. Yeah. And I can't stop. Yeah, I know. I can't stop once I start it.

It's like a binge and it's never satisfying. And I mean, you talk about this too, but my wife will be like you, you went to the refrigerator in a state of like a whirlwind of consumption at two o'clock in the morning and I heard the syrup. I'm pointing maple syrup on cereal at two o'clock in the morning. It is a great idea, but it's also like cereal has a lot of sugar on its own, especially

the raisinese cereal that I prefer. And then I'm putting maple syrup on it at two o'clock in the morning. And she's really good about not saying, again, she's nice about it, but Donna's come out at three in the morning. And without words, quietly taking Chinese, low-main, and a bolicereal out of my hand. Wow. Quietly. No words. Oh my God.

Put them down. Oh my God. That's so good. And then the trash and she went, go to bed. Wow. And I was like, but she goes, you're done. That has to be animated for the special we make. Yeah, right?

Yeah. Because that is really, because I can see her eyes. She's got great film eyes. She could have been a great actress. Yeah, right? Yeah, she is a great actress. She pretends that she's into me. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Everyone's in the wild, she'll hold me. Stop you are a very attractive, desirable man. I'll fucking call her right now. You can tell her. I mean, she hasn't touched my packet at a long time. We're gonna get back into it. We're gonna get back into it. Yeah. Yeah. You need to look her in the eyes and do what? Alan says, that's what it takes. Look her in the eyes. You told me Alan says, that's what it takes. Look her in the eyes. You told me that Alan told you that. That was a, yeah, he told me a lot of things.

Yeah. To do to dawn. I don't think he knows girls from Everett. I didn't realize she went to Everett High. Yeah, she's Everett. That's so interesting. He's dealing with like Thompson Square girls. Hippie girls from the, you know,

East Village, the Bohemians. Yeah, Bohemians. Smelly girls. He's not dealing with the chick who used to hang her head upside down to spray, spray paint, her hair spray. So her hair would stand up like Bon Jo. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

That was, man, that's hard to explain to people, but that was a phenomenon. The hair. Yeah, I look at my high school yearbook, I'm like, how did you even know what to do to get it to that point and they were like snowflakes, they were like fingerprints, there were no two alike and yet they were, they were, they were architecture. The back of the head was flat.

Yeah. The front was four feet tall. And they would use so much hairspray. I mean, I don't blame, I blame the 80s and 90s for the ozone. Oh, no, total. Nothing to do with Bayzos' private jet. It has to do with a bunch of... No, the ozone made a comeback

and it was because they outlawed that aquanet. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we rebuilt the ozone. Oh, you did? Yeah. It's back. Yeah, it's nothing made to us. Yeah, we rebuilt the ozone. Oh, you did. Yeah. It's back. Yeah, it's a something made. We're fine with the ozone.

It's the level of carbon dioxide in the air. That's a problem. We're gonna talk to Leonardo Boatek and his plane, private jet to the French. No, there's definitely hypocrisy. A hundred. A hundred percent. Yeah.

But you know what is a good way to fight climate changes? Veganism. What? Yeah, I can't be a vegan Okay, can you be vegan once a week? I can do that. Yeah, I love a nice stew. It's really helpful. I'm a big stew It's really helpful. I'm a big stew fan. I can eat I can I love a root vegetable. Oh, I love a root Like carrots and a potato. Oh yes. Oh yes. And you throw some beans in there and you've got everything you need.

Oh dude, I'll do that in a second. I have no problem with that. All right. The problem is that that comes out of my asshole. Like, I mean, the next couple of days. I know, huh. Dawn made a beef stew, but it's mainly vegetables. Yeah.

Dude, the last, and it feels good. Oh yeah. It's like cleanse. Oh yeah. A stew? Oh, I'm a big stew guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, listen buddy, I love you so much. I love you too. I'm so proud of you. Great to recon. You're inspiring. I hope that we get to do, you know, that special. I hope I really want to get on that again. Yeah.

I would love to get that out of you. Just reach out to Mike and we'll do some, some zooms or whatever. We should start off with a lunch. Yeah, dude, does he come, because I remember COVID. Yeah, but he's back in Brooklyn. He's back. Yeah.

Is he going out? Yeah, he goes out, but the thing is, is that he's in a, he's in a project, a documentary project right now, but he'll definitely be able to have lunch with us. And we'll read you this. I miss Mike. He's such a great guy. Oh my gosh.

One of the nicest guys. So glad. Nice and man, does he love you? He adores you. We had a great laugh, man. Great laugh, but a great guy. We had a, he's kind of a hippie dude. Yeah.

You know, it's weird because I've always been friends. Mike Bonfiglio. This is Bob Figlio. Emmy, multiple Emmy award winning one for Shanling, for George George Carlin and for a peanuts documentary that he did and yours No, that didn't win in the Emmy, but it was a good special dude one of the best. Thank you. I told you man. Oh man I really I mean when I went to that I was just nice. Yeah, yeah to have you sitting with Chris Elliot Great. Yeah, to have you sitting with Chris Elliott. No, that was amazing. And I love.

It's great. Oh, so good. I know. And I didn't say nothing to him because I would really. Oh, you wouldn't have ruined it. He would have loved it. I don't know. I would have ruined it.

No, you don't ruin things. Oh, really? I feel really good fanboying. I thought dude, I'm the worst. Really? Quinn won't let me sit. I was, if he sees a famous person come in really, he leans in.

He goes time to go. Oh, literally goes time to go. Oh. Literally goes time to go. Oh, I didn't really. Last time he did that, I didn't leave Ray Romano. 20 minutes after I come out, he goes laughing. I know you'd fuck it up. He was reading the paper and I,

he mentioned to some motorist kid, I go, my kid does that too. And I kept repeating it, because I didn't think he heard me, but he did, he was ignoring me. I go, my kid does that too. Oh. My kid and I heard Keith go, ah, he heard you.

I just got up and left. Oh. I'm the worst. Oh, man. Well, you have the horror stories, the Seinfeld one, and now this. I know. It's all right.

All right, so go check out his book and his website. Where are you going to be? Where are you going to be coming up? Oh, they find your dates. Oh, Gary Coleman.com. Gary Coleman.com makes you go check out one of the funny. I mean, you're all read those dates. It's a book tour. Read it.

Read them. Caroline, not you who produced the fucking asshole keeps fidgeting with the mouse. Read it. Oh my God. No, it's okay guys. Where are they? I don't remember remember we'll just say Gary Goldman dot com They're right there Oh my god stop and fucking have confidence. I'm trying to help these

I see let me fucking help them. I'm super 12 no Gary. Goldman will be performing at Gary Goldman Will be performing at Carolina theater and Durham North the north carolina the bucket theater in Atlanta Georgia uh... booth playhouse at uh... in uh... charlotte north carolina uh... short center of for the arts and indianapolis the Fitzgerald theater in st. Paul minnesota uh... the uh... oh my god i'm out of the air

the amat and madrick amatic theater uh... the my god say it the amatic amatic amatic theater uh... what the uh... a matter not a group no it's amateur at the brown center in front of Florida mike i would have fucked up to by the way uh... i mean now max

i he's all over the place you got a big tour coming up so if you want to go see gary go to his website he's got a big tour coming up selling his book brand new new book. Go get the book. I signed the book for everybody at the end. I meet everybody. So if you want to wait, yeah, you want to hang out, have to get a book sign, check out his book. Make sure you're heard, you tell him you heard him on the podcast. And go to robbercaleolive.com. I'm all over the place. Madison, Wisconsin, comedy on state, Kansas City, Boston, mass at the comics come home,

ports with PA, Baltimore, Maryland, Deanna, D, D, D, Neanna, Neanna, what? Danya Beach. Okay, hate the name. Deanna, Neanna Beach. I'm all over the place. Make sure you check out my shows. I'm on the bonfire every day. Make sure you check out that bone to pick podcasts.

And of course Comic-grabbles.com use code word ladybugs to get your YKWD gear We have new hats up there all kinds of great stuff guys. Give you plugs go Max Marcus comedy on all social media at Danny Braff on Instagram the cheese show on YouTube At Mike Peaceworth. Listen dude, they might not look good, but they're the best. Yeah. I love these guys, they make the show,

and these guys are here because they love the YKWD podcast being part of it, help it produce it, every aspect of it. So make sure you check them out, wherever're going to be. I love you, man. I love you too. You're a great friend. You're a great friend too, man. And I can't wait to hopefully work with you this year. Awesome. And I love seeing you on Tuesdays and getting my gum and hog. My gum and hog. You got to come up to how I want you to come up and see the the the fam. I would like that soon. Yeah. Okay. Great. And I will see you guys next week on con bolotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan.

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