Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Ghostbusters

Episode Date: April 23, 2012

Paranormal activity invades YKWD.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com. Hey Danny. Hey buddy. Yeah, yeah, we got a new sponsor for the You Know What Dude podcast. So awesome. So awesome, really good sponsor. I'm very proud to announce that Adam and Eve is a new sponsor that you know what

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Just use offer code riot at anemoneave.com. Hey, what's up? You know what, dude, fans? Make sure you get a comedy awards.com and vote for the best comedy app, me, Robert Kelly Live. You can vote once a day, every day, until the awards next week. Make sure you go and vote. Comedywords.com, best comedy app.

Vote once a day, get all your friends to vote. We want to fucking win this thing. Thank you, dude. High point, Pleasant New Jersey. This is corporate damn. Robert Kelly is gonna be at Uncle Vinnie's on the 27th of April and you will have a very good time. This is my corporate tone. Alright, this is weird.

This is like old school because this is what we used to do way back in the day is use the Yeti microphone. This is what I did on the first podcast. Is it really? We'll use the blue microphone. Well, here's the, first of all, welcome to you know what? BADD! You still can't get it.

I know I can't, you know, it's weird, it's like being an R and B singer and I can't hit the tone I'm like I'm trying to be dead Nope It's awful. We're uh We're in the haunted hotel room. We're in a where in Chicago. We are where in Chicago? Chicago home of the super fans

I went I went sad. I went inside the Chicago Cubs, played them in wacky brewers. Did you really? Yeah, I did. What's that wriggly field? Because you're here. I'm here. You're here, but we're both here. I'm here to do a comedy show.

I'm here. I'm here to do a comic. I'm here as a corporate show. So that's it. That's it. I'm here playing the up the brand new Up comedy club. Gorgeous place. Gorgeous over at the second city. It is up. Up. It's up. Up. It's up. It's up. It's up above. But you're here wearing a suit. Beautiful suit. Doing Guinness tour.

And you came in tonight and did a little spot, which is great. Thank you for putting me up. You did a little guest spot, which I don't do. I don't do guest spots. You don't do those? No, I make sure that they go, no guest spots. I don't mind you because I know you're funny

and you're a friend of mine and you're a monster voice. And you're a friend of mine and you're monster voice and you're a monster voice. So the ghost in this room should be a friend of my voice. So I really hope that when we listen to that it's like I know if I do your voice. It's like there's like some spooky shit. Well here's the deal man is you fucking you would do it some promos you do a lot of the promos for the podcast. Yeah. You're on your hotel last night. I'm in this room right now. Right now, sitting right now. I'm in the seat that I'm in right now.

And you sent me the promo. Holy shit, dude. And you, I mean, I did see now we're getting suspect. Wait, we're hanging on one second. Is there, the AC's over there. Is the AC over there? There's no AC. There's no AC.

That's creepy. Yeah. I show that curtain fucking move. Dude, I'm telling you right now, man. Um... Last night, you sent me a video tape. It says, holy shit. I don't know.

I listened to it later. Dude, here's the thing. You and I talked last night. Right. And you were like, I need some live updates for my website Right, and you know me. I've got the Yeti Mike here. You carry it with you. Yeah, why do you love blue? I love blue Blue microphones are great, but I also do it. They they're the actually the microphone of the you know what dude podcast You know what dude?

You know what dude? They actually they're the the the how do you say it? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what?

Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what?

Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? live did. Lav Votten live. Thank you. It's unbelievable. Right. I use it even for commercials, a film auditioning for a voiceover.

I can record it right in my hotel room as I'm being corporate Dan. So last night, we talked. Yeah. I'm out with the people from Guinness. And you're like, hey, will you do some reads for my live dates? Yeah. My website. Absolutely. Absolutely. like, hey, will you do some reads for my live dates? Yeah, my website. Absolutely. Easily, it's fun.

I have fun. I need to do different voices. Yeah, there's nothing worse than a cinema podcast. Hey, I'm gonna be here. I hate having to do them myself. It's cool when you like, I have other people, more talented people at voices. Well, thank you.

Like yourself. Well, thank you. And Dixie Lizard. Great. You like Dixie Lizard? Uh, I can love it. People hate her. Oh, well, I kind of jerk off to it. Well, well, I like thick Dixie lizard. No No, I don't know if I want Because I probably

But you but you texted me and was like, hey, we do some re-times. You said, yes, we just said that nine times. We just repeated the same thing nine times. Good. So you, I texted you, I said, it sounds like we're doing a bunch of blow in the center. I know. Because you gotta stand. It's late with jazzed up. We all have, we had good shows. It's fucking late. And you drank, I think a pint of whiskey at the club. Half pint.

Yeah, they gave you a lot of fucking booze. So you got a little buzz on. I got a little buzz on. I had some steak. So you know, I have my food buzz on. Dude, you ate a sandwich. I didn't eat the bread. And now you didn't.

I was good. I really did just fucking vampire the shit. And then you just took it the meat with that fork like a fucking pirate. I eat I eat disgusting I eat like a savage. You really do eat like a Viking. I do. Like you have like the meat juice. Yeah. It's Lord of the Rings the last one when they go with the king and he's chewing on grapes and he bites his own tongue. Yeah.

That's bleeding. That's the way I eat. That's probably the most accurate description I've ever heard of someone eating. Um, so anyways, you do these promos. You send me this thing. I listened to it late at night. Then there. I heard it.

I didn't hear it the first time. The second time all of a sudden I hear this fucking noise in the background How creeped was and we're gonna let you hear it right now. Yeah Alan has tried Tell it me know that I can be happy Dude, please tell me you heard that. So that's it. That's you hear me doing the read. I'm going into the read.

And I hear that. Now you get to understand what I do reads for you. I have my fucking my real deal radio headphones that I used to do reads on. Yeah. Like I have it so we can hear my pitch if I'm popping peas. How does that happen? Pop peas. But I heard something twice. Yeah. And it freaked me the fuck out to the point

that I stopped recording. Yeah. I took my headphones off and the sound was made again. Really? Yeah. And there my headphones off and the sound was made again. Really? Yeah. And there's no AC. Nothing. You'll see the AC right there, but the noise that it makes

isn't an AC noise. I know AC's in hotel. What's an AC noise? Like a, oh, you hear that. It's like a startup, like a, like a, like a hovercraft? Yeah, it is, but it is. When you hear it come in, you hear something build. What it'll tell you staying in futuristic ones, Bobby. I actually stay in the uh,

I stay in hotels where they give you hoverboards to go around the city. Now fuck that dude. Listen to that sound. Realistin' to that sound. It freaked me the fuck out. All right, well listen to it again right now. Listen. Alan has tried. Tell it me now that I can be happy. And I think I can. Dude, please tell me you heard that. I mean, that's the sound of a haunting. That's the sound of a haunting, Glenn. That's the sound of a haunting. I tried to make of a haunting, the sound of a haunting.

I tried to make it, sorry, it's not gonna work. Yeah dude, that's some weird shit. That's like, I mean, the thing I got at the Wushu Club. Yeah, same shit. Which by the way, I'm totally out. I'm not going to Nevada. Why not? After this shit?

Why not? Cause. Dude, you have the face of a ghost. They're not gonna bother you like a suntan Dude I'm looking at your eyes right now you have underneath your eyes is Literally see through like you can see into you a fucking you can know underneath your eyes Is so pale white that you can see the blood pumping into your eye. Talking about the blue veins, which some people confuse as bags. So anyways, dude, we did the show tonight.

Yeah. It was pretty wild. Now we eat another haunting. We'll get back to that in a second. But the show tonight was pretty wild because actually, you know, I do shows and there's a lot of own a fans that come. Which is fucking awesome. But now what's happening at the shows is that the you know what did fans are showing up

Like a WD Second show wasn't as packed up, but look I usually do the improv and Sean Sean Berg Which is a 400 cedar they pack it up? You know whatever you know they it's a you know, we do well out there Yeah, but you're in the hair to shit can. What you're doing is you're coming in the Chicago and you're seeing some super fans. And I'll tell you this, there are some, you know what? Dude, yes, cast fans. Because you're walking out going to fuck around.

I cheated on cigarettes. Yeah, you're smoking again. No, but smoking again. No But I cheat I the fuck does that mean if someone goes outside and has a cigarette I go hang out with them and I take a couple of drag So I go out in a girl sucking my cock. Do I tell Dawn that I am not I'm not cheating? Jesus Christ I don't know why you fucking making it that weird Seven couple of drags of a butt Jesus. So if I have a drink of white labeled scotch. White labeled scotch is not a real thing. White labeled scotch is a real thing.

Is it? Absolutely, if I can do a bunch. A blue label scotch is. Well, if they had blue, they had white. Probably have red. I don't know, why are you getting real dangerous gel on here? Where am I shaking? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk I shaking? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. I'll tell you what, if they had a little single mop,

I would be there with a nice, that's Bucksmith babe. Why? A nice Bucksmith babe. Well, no, they, they, I mean, it's the same thing. I mean, you're smoking, man. You're smoking? Well, it started itself by self-waste. You started smoking, it's mother fucker.

I mean, you didn't tell me. Yeah, you were. I didn't. It didn't start when you were there. Free vodka tent. That was a problem. That's a problem. That is a problem.

Did I don't drink? But that's like a free taco tent. Dude, are you kidding me, man? Really? Yeah. It was like something like a 3 to 7. Really? You could go get Keto's vodka. What is Tito's vodka? No, it's a fucking Austin vodka. Right. And Nick Turner and I.

Who's Nick Turner? He interviewed. He was a part of the laugh button interview process. Okay. Yeah. He was part of the laugh button interview process. Okay, yeah. At its main Niki T, really funny comedian lives in LA. Right. But every day, like fucking two, he'd be like vodka tent, like it's gonna be a bad idea. And we just drink vodka and energy drinks.

See, that's the thing, man. It's weird, you know, when you talk about this, I was at my room last night. I got here last night and I'm in my room and I got granola. I got some almonds unsalted and I'm looking at a menu and I'm trying to find something that I can eat without a carbonate. I'm starving. That is really weird though, you know that right. Well because I'm like, I owe a wrestler shit.

I know because I'm a fat fuck. But you're losing weight. Losing weight. Oh, that is so cool. You know I'm fucking losing weight. Oh. They're gonna edit that out. No, they're both.

I'm not. I have. So it's almost the same class. I really think you're cool. Oh They're headed that out. No, they won't So it's almost the same cloud So I am yeah, dude. This is how sad it was for me last night I'm in the room and I'm looking around and I'm going wow I used to do gigs I'd have some side pussy setup or I'd be looking through the fucking Massages or blah blah blah, blah, trying to set up some paid sex just to get a little company for the night. Whether it be paid or some chick I met on the internet, and I'd be fucking challenged and food, smoking butts, I'd be fucking having a cup of coffee right now.

I miss it. I miss it all. And I don't, I haven't drank in 27 years, but you sit here and go, let's go to the vodka tent and get fucked up. That's a thing. It's fascinating to me because you get to go away at two o'clock in the afternoon. And maybe not come back until the next day. Well, that's, which is a bad thing, but it's also like fun. It's like holy shit dude. But also you gotta understand, the worst part is the morning. When you wake up and you go,

what the fuck? What the fuck? Well the worst part. You wake up, you wake up in a towel had the best bed ever about that. It's like time-truck. Yeah. You wake up and you just go, oh ever about that. It's like time-trip. Yeah. You wake up and you just go,

oh, what the, what did I do? Okay, here's a fucking, you tell me what you'd rather take. Going to bed at two in the afternoon because you're so depressed that you can't do anything. You can't go get good food or shit food. You can't go get some pussy. You can't go drink. You can't go do smoke a cigarette.

And you just want to smoke a cigarette, eat some shit food and do something sexually deep. You want to do it so bad. The only thing you can do to protect yourself is literally pull the covers over your head and do sheet therapy for the next four hours until you have to go and do sheet therapy for the next four hours until you have to go and do your show tonight.

And then you have to go on stage and fucking do your gig and then go right back to your fucking room. It gets like I see you, like, I'm not saying I'm gonna drink, I don't wanna drink. I know how bad it is for me. I know that drinking is gonna, I'm gonna, I'll wind up killing somebody. I'll snap somebody's neck, or I'm going to, I'll wind up killing somebody. Yeah.

I'll snap somebody's neck. Or I'll get killed. Someone will kill me. You think you'd just pop off off the mat? I do something, it would be bad. And I'm not saying, I'm not being a tough guy. I'm not saying, I'll just go kill, I'm saying it would be bad either for me or somebody else. Either way, it would suck.

Because I was a violent drunk. See, but that's the opposite is where I... Oh, because you're a corporate. You're not a... you're not a drunk in a corporate way. You're damn right, I know. You're damn right, I know. My father taught me how to do that. Really? Yeah, my dad was...

My dad, you couldn't never tell he was drunk. There's no way you could ever tell my dad was drunk. My dad would show up and you'd be like, I don't know. I don't know if he's banged up. Could you have buzzing right now? No. No, yeah.

I'm feeling good. Yeah, that's buzzing. Yeah, I'm buzzing, but I'm not wasted. No, you don't waste. I'm not like sloppy and like fucking stupid. I mean, yeah. You feel good. Yeah, you're buzzing.

Yeah, but I can hang doing this. Right, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? This feel good, you buzz it. Yeah, but I can hang doing this. Right, yeah, yeah. You don't, I mean, this is something, it's like a boxer being punched. You punch a normal person in the face and they're agitated or weird about it, but a boxer if you punch him in the face, I think, nah, fuck, take a couple more of those.

Right. That's almost what it's like. Worst analogy ever. Actually, I think it's a pretty goddamn good analogy. Now, it was terrible. It sounded great. And then you... It was like a box.

Yeah, it was some drug. I didn't say boxed her. I said boxed. You know what you said. I think, Bobby. I'm going to say right now, the demon in this room will possess you tonight. Well, why would you die? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. God, please protect me everything. The demon that we will take you right now. Please God protect me. Anything you're about to say. It's powers. Please God, destroy any evil inside me and evil around me. Jesus did. This room's haunted. I can smell it. I can smell it. I can smell cotton candy on the way up. Well, you smell it in the elevator. It doesn't mean this room. It's a ghost. Let him knock that iron off this board. All right, right now, if there's a, listen to me. If there's a ghost in this room. If there's a ghost in this room right now.

Knock that iron off that iron. No, let's not be specific. Make right now in this room. Please don't do this, I have to. You let us know right now. Show us a sign. Either you talk... Nothing.

What's the curtain doing? That's got a... Oh, that says YAC. Yeah. What is that? Oh, that's a guy. How the fucking went? Yeah, dude, there's a fucking creepy dude across the way. Starting to do the, what was that?

That was you flicking it, you can't. Oh, sorry. Lewis Gomez put me on the hotel workout, which I'm doing. What's a hotel workout? Dips, push ups, setups. You know what that's also called? Prison. Yeah, I do. It's a prison do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. This is the Lewis workout. You do four sets of 20 push-ups Then you do dips which by the way fucking burn my arms out like a motherfucker Dips I haven't done dips in yeah, like you think like you look in clothes like you actually have a build But you have like you have like an unfinished yeah yeah you're like an unfinished clone of Dan Soda. Deroz and I are like the Brooklyn brawler of tag teams. So the first workout, four sets of 20 push ups.

Yeah. Then you do four sets of 20 dips. Yeah. Then you do jumping jacks for a whole minute. Really? Then a minute rest. Okay. And then you do four sets of that. Okay. Four minutes. Next day, you do split squats, lunges. Uh, what if you do, whatever in a big room? No, you can do it right here. Okay. You just got to do, just do one, right? Dip down. Then you do crunches. Uh,

you do sets of 20. 20. Now I have a different crunch regimen. Yeah. Because you have a concave chest. I do. I have a complete concave chest. It's really weird. I really look like I was born without the bone in the middle. If I chest it's fucking gross. You do Patrick You have Patrick Schwey's younger brother's chest. Thank you. I really, I think you just basically said I had a roadhouse body. No, his younger brother.

God dammit. No, the fucking caveman, bro. Yeah. Much similar. Much similar. Yeah. Go ahead. And then you do mountain climbers,

which is where you put your... Oh, those are fucking bad. Yeah, but you do 30 right 30 a set of 30 right and then the next day you do pull-ups Okay curls yep, and then shadow box shadow box That's right. I go back to mountain climbers. I don't feel. What are you gonna do in the, and was the mirror? Right here. You just shadow box? I didn't do it.

Like what do you do? Like what do you do? Tell me what you do. Like verbally say it. Like one, two, one, duck, duck, one, two, one, duck, duck, uppercut, uppercut. Duck, duck, goose. Do you have a jet?

Kind of. That's stupid. You're stupid. Who's stupid. You're stupid who's stupid? You stupid why am I stupid because Louis Gomez has a You hear that it's the sound of working out. That's good. You've been doing that. Yeah, that's great See here's the problem with me. I gained 37 pounds since I quit weighing tables Is it because you got money? You got food?

Yeah. You could eat again. Yeah. That's the problem with fucking being successful. But I got fat. Yeah, that's what happens because you can buy something and you do. Back in the day, I was thin when I first moved to New York

because I didn't have money. Yeah, I mean, I got half meal, I got a restaurant. I mean, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't do that. I didn't do that, but I, I, I, didn't I didn't do that but I Wasn't that piece of a shit But I'm looking my rent was 325 dollars a month and sounds made up. Why I Know you and Bobby were living in some Billy I'm Bobby. All right. You really buzzing?

I know you and Burr were living in like a... Shit hole. It was a shit hole. 97th and Lex. It's a block away from Spanish Hollywood. It basically is Spanish Hollywood now. Fuck yeah, and it was back then. Yeah. So it was fucking...

Back in the 90s when Giuliani was cleaning shit up. It was really 2000, you fucking ape. I don't know. But it was... I've heard of, it was really 2000, you fucking ape. I'm not gonna. But it was. I'm trying to date you. I know, I'm like, I love these just adding facts. I'm like, ah, back in fucking 88,

they were working at Dangerfields and Ronnie's like, I don't know about this kid with a red hair. But you're kind of funny. You fucking, you're doing sets of Dangerfields. Going on fucking two drink minimal. The, out of the two drink minimal. The, that of the improv. The, yeah, did it was bad, but I mean, it was like, you know,

I, he, his rent was 500 a month. We split it. I took the majority, he took the other half, he was an arrow time. So that's why it was 325 for me. But I would eat like, you know, I would eat the specials, the Fort All Chinese food special,

the rice, the egg roll, and the the rice the egg roll and the meat the protein Yeah, fucking every day. Yeah peanut butter and jelly every fucking day What was my diet my diet was Usually it's staffed me. Oh, they put it like some sort of ground beef Yeah, and I was cool with a dude that worked in the taco station right and he would give me flour tortillas Really take flour tortillas and I'd take the shitty meat and I'd put human dressing on it.

That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. But it was like fucking, like being in a Taiwanese prison. Do you know how fucking great it was to get a start work in the cellar and get food spots?

Dude, but I started working in the seller like what do you want? I can never wings. Oh Half price dude. I used to fucking when I first got my food spot and they pay you didn't get the money They just got the food you got the food. I wanted that more than the fucking food. I'm more the money fuck the money I don't want that I don't need it. mean, I need the money, but I'm gonna order a $60 worth of fucking food. That's what they stop doing that. Because back in the day, fucking Russman even me

and guys who had no money, we would order like a hundred dollars worth of wings and just all night just ordering food, because it was a food spot. So we'd get like nine meals. So that's why now you have to pay half. Which I'm fine with, I don't. Food's, oh, obviously free.

Yeah, I get it. Oh, I got grandfather then. When the, when the laugh factory, the role of the laugh factory was in New York. That's a haunted place. Yeah, dude, Daddy, you all know that the most scared of ever been in my life. I always have a backpack with me. That's quite trying to freak me Daddy, you all know that the most scared of ever been in my life. I always have a backpack with me.

That's quite trying to freak me out. You're fucking... Struppers have been murdered. Like it's well known in that place that strippers were murdered. Well documented, not well known. Well, as far as comics know, they tell each other. Okay.

I always wanted to say that. It's documented. Well documented. So I put my backpack in the back room, not the main room, you know, the back. So it's a backpack. It should go on the, no. All right.

I really hope the fact that whatever ghosts is in this room is like this giant bouncer that's here doing this podcast, this bouncer looking fucker. I really blew it on that joke. I don't have a comic look. You look like if I was down to lobby, I'm like ask my security to be like, if they didn't know that I was your opener. They really, they really, you have star quality.

I really look more like, like I'd be like, well this is my head of security, Bobby. I look like a friend from your past. You look like a guy that I'm like trying to shake off when we go into looking at the party. Dude, I, this is a good friend of mine from back in the day, Bobby. Hey, what's up, dude?

Hey, fucking, you fucking track anyone? Fuck you. How happy was it that at the club, they finally have my new fat pic? I was doing your vulu-er fuck isn't sweatshirt. It's not a vulu-er silk. You look like an asshole. You're really like a shitty fucking crime family leader.

I'm sure you're talking. Well, look, I had photos. It was like a Polish fucking crime boss. You're like, you're gonna have a Polish crime family. They have your watch in it. I'm really taking a pound of them. I'm really taking a pound of Stupid your Nice watch I like the I like the fuck I hope the demon possesses you No, Jesus doesn't protect you the demon watch you the going to take you so and follow you back to your apartment.

Please God, let, please God protect me and I think I care about for you. I can't help you now. Please God. Let the iron fall. Please God protect me and I think I'm good, I'm not free. Please God, take me and think I'm a broken face. Please God, straight. All the evil inside me and all the evil on me.

There you go. Fuck it. I thought. Dude, but they used to put up my old, like my high my hydra from two years ago when I lost all the way. The sexy one. Yeah. You know, fucking embarrassing that was when you, dude, I think I saw a girl.

You're the one. Young girl. I'm on stage. I think a young girl, I saw her a month ago. That's not him. Dude, that is. Dude, it's fucked up. It's fucked up.

So at least they're using the up to date one. Dude, the one, if anyone ever goes to the comedy seller, and if you're eating at the olive tree, which is delicious, we've talked about the food, when you go downstairs to the seller, that picture of you with the cigarette, it's almost, that's not you. It's me. But it is you. But that's not you. But it's me. But it is you. But. But it's not you.

Right now, you might get back down to skinny Bobby. I'll get back down to skinny Bobby, but I'll never be that again, you're saying. I mean, when you got that fucking that look in your eye, I look right in that eye and I'm like, I don't know that Bobby. I've never known that Bobby, that look of like, I'm getting any pussy that I want.

Ah! I don't know that Bobby. You'd fuck that Bobby. Oh, you know what I would? But. I would tag team, I'd grow with that Bobby. Right. Like, now I'd be like, okay, I mean, you just go to your thing.

But like, back of it, I'd probably do a bump. Yeah? I'd five a couple? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you fucker and I'm, I'd give my dick a second I'd leave. Well, here's a deal. I don't know. Maybe you fucker and I'm gonna give my dick a second I leave. Well here's a deal. I promise you, I promise you. I may never be that bobby again.

Woo. Okay, but I'm gonna fucking get, I'm getting back down. Did you already lost a lot of weight? I did not. You have. You've lost weight, sense. That's drunk, are you? No fuck you.

No fuck you. No, fuck you. Dude, I saw you in that green lantern shirt about fucking two months ago. Right. And I walked in and I was like, huh, Bobby looks awful. Who'd you say that to? Myself.

What? Because I'm a gentleman. No, that? Dude, now I see it. Now I see it. You got the V-neck on. Yeah. You got the fucking vest.

It's not a vest. Yeah it is. This is not a vest. This is a shirt. Make it look like a... You look good. You look a lot better. Listen.

Okay. Here's a deal. Here's a deal. I look a little better maybe. I'm a little salty. Let's blow it or less. But I'm getting, my, what was that?

No, something driving my. Okay. I'll tell you this right now. That noise gets paid again. Yeah. Oh, let you know. Okay. Because that was some fuck,

um, I mean, you has heard it on the bottom. I have some fucked up shit. Okay, so here's the deal. I fucking, I'll be back. I'll be back. I wanna get back down and then stay down because now, huh, why you laughing? I just really imagine you doing

like a clever, lame training scenario. Dude, I would do it like, and then it shows me training like Rocky, just like a bunch of fucking... Here's the thing though, like a guy like you who quit smoking. Yeah. You're smoking again. You're smoking again.

I've been taking drugs. You're smoking. No, I'm not. I'm not having a pack. You're smoking. I'm having some drag. You'll be back. I don't want.

So you're gonna quit, you're done. What the fuck was that? What, no, no no look at me. Oh I thought you were talking about the audio. You stuck your tongue out through your teeth and made a weird face. What is that? I don't know. I don't know.

Listen. You aren't on my honest theory. I have a honest to God fear that the world is going to end December 21st. Why? The mind shit. Where the fuck is this, dude, we were just talking about me being fat and getting skinny again, and now you're talking about the end of the world. Who are you?

Did you get possessed? Did that possession work? Bobby, it's me. Aww. It was my first. I'm going to freak out. I'd finished the podcast. You're going to be in the...

You're going to be a a great podcast that would be. Hey, it's me, Bobby. Joe Maderee is getting out of here. Right out of here. Who's the guy in men in black? Where's the? Well, that's a. Vincent Afriac.

Right. Okay, get some sure. Yeah, but what if I fucking all of a sudden I was like. I'd fucking. I would sure. Err, I'll see you later. I said, all right. And I'd say, yeah, yeah, like what? I'm going to take off now. I'm Bernie Sharer.

What? Bernie Sharer. Bernie Sharer. Bernie Sharer. Well, he wasn't a demon, he was a bug. Yeah, I'm a bug. But anyways, listen, I'm gonna be back. I'm gonna be thin again I'll be back. I'll be thin, but when I get back this time

I think it's gonna be permanent because I don't what the fuck face is that I'm just saying Well, you didn't say anything you and Dawn if you and Dawn have a baby. Oh my god You and Dawn, if you and Dawn have a baby. Oh my God. When you and Dawn have a baby. Yeah. I think you're ballooned back up. Wow.

Wow. Oh my God. You're just not very corporate to you. No. No. I'm talking about stance. You're taking a stance? Scorporate Dan.

You know what I like? You take stances. You know when you take stances? When it's against me. That's it. Buh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- What are you going? I have no doubt that you're gonna slim back down. I'm gonna slim back down. You are. But let me finish my point.

I'm doing it now for the first time without smoking. Okay. I'm not smoking. Okay. Do you understand? Yeah. So I'm gonna, I quit eight months without a cigarette. Been the most horrid fucking eight months of my life.

Seriously, man. But you look good. Listen, I don't. No, your skin looks good. My skin always looks good. I get great skin. But, I said that bugged you. Yeah.

I really does bug me. Here's a deal, man. I'm gonna fucking, I'll be back, but I won't be smoking. And when I come back, it's gonna be, it's gonna be a fucking, a way of life, I think. But I just, you're gonna understand that food right now is, dude, if I can't fuck anything, I can't smoke, I can't drink, I don't, those are options I can't do anymore.

But I can eat a fucking, I can eat a hot dog, and no one needs to know. Yeah, but I really feel like if you want to lose the weight, it keeps the weight off. Lose and wait, you know Bobby's gonna lose the weight. It's gonna lose the way It's gonna have to be stuck in everybody's head It's gonna have to be you finding like a weird like

Taekwondo or Brazilian Then do it again dude. I've done it. I've done it with alcohol. I've done it with drugs. Yeah, I've done it with everything but dude What you beat alcohol and drugs for a long time? Yeah, you've defeated that for long. Okay cigarettes eight months food. Okay. Yes today those are You had a shakango sassage gag and Man, it's a fucking mother fuck. I don't even know sucks to though Is that you know during this whole process? I got to take poundings from fucking stupid everybody about being a fat People that say I don't get poundings Dude both I've seen you at the seller get worked over. Yeah, they say on the podcast. There was this one guy

Okay, this is sorry about that one guy I get it. I'm your emotional one guy. Yeah, don't you know you want to What if you and Fistuke ever talk about your guys is Italian heritage again? What's wrong with it? I throw up on both your faces. It's gross. I look I'm Italian up on both of your faces. It's gross. I look, I'm Italian. What the fuck is your not Italian? The demon possession. Yeah, please God, please God protect me and think about it from the St.

Sparrow's police guy. I'm saying, go fuck yourself. I'd sleep here tonight. I know. Fucking hell. It's going to be scary. You know what? No, because I'm not sleeping. Well, you're going to go.

That's the worst. If you don't sleep, then you get so tired you fall out, then you get Freddy Krueger fucking, then you're inside it. No one's being able to come home. I'll be on a plane. No, when'd you flight? I am. You're not staying up till 9. We're gonna get food. Fuck you. Why?

I got six hours. You won't do it. I will. Anyways, first of all, I can six hours. You won't do it. I will. Anyways, first of all, I can beat that. Listen to me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me with those fucking big, flat eyes.

Those big, big balloons. You see your eyes are weird. They're so adorable. You like the shoulder monster on fucking Bugs Bunny. Ha ha ha. I did, I watched Bugs Bunny the other day. Yeah. What a fucking queer. Is he a fag?

I mean, dude, I watched the Alaska episode where he's got the penguin and he dresses up like a... He's got his butt shaken. Really? I mean, I love Bugs Bunny. I love Bugs Bunny too. You know, people think he's a comedian, considering a comedian.

He is. Really? I'd consider him a comedian. Comic actor. I mean, we learned how to be funny off end. Three stuages, you enter you out. And. Really?

I think some of the, not the new bullshit. The movie that's coming out. Awful. Really? Looks awful. But you think they're funny. Old school three stuages? What they did?

What? Just that really like that Like yeah, but the carrying over Vaudevilleian very vaudevilleian, I don't know man. I mean look. I'm not gonna fucking throw the three stuages under the bus, but You know, I look so much Is it cuz you're kind of look like a Like, really? Is it because you're kind of looking like a police? He's a champ. Um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um'm not into them, dude. I mean, people praise them as, oh my God, the three stooges.

I'm not, I'm not into it. They're funny. I'm not saying they're not funny, but they're not, oh my God, the three stooges, wow, funny. I think they're overrated. You think the three stooges are overrated? I think they're over fucking rated.

I disagree. I really, you crack the fuck up watching the three studios. I mean, you watch some of their old shit. It's all old, Dan. Yeah, but they think they come up with a new album last year. What about the Marks Brothers? Yeah, overrated. Oh.

For now, look, back in the time, funny, back in the day. Dude. Back in the day was funny. Back in the day Charlie Chaplin was funny. It's hilarious. You think he's still funny? For what he did, yeah. For what he did back then, yes.

Yeah, but he's not going on stage. He doesn't hold up. It doesn't. I think it holds up in a certain sense. Oh, God. Nostalgic bullshit, not a respect, okay? Yeah. But the three stooges don't hold up now.

I mean, more so than that. Now when you got Will Sasso playing fucking Curly. Who's Will Sasso? From Mad TV, he's playing Curly on. Yeah, I thought he actually looked good. What do you look like, Curly? Well, that's, I mean, to play Curly, you have to get a guy that looks like Curly.

They had fucking Michael Chiklis do it. Remember? It was stupid. Yeah, they did. It was bad. I mean, Michael Chiklis is a get it, but it's like, it's Remember? It was stupid. Yeah, they did. It was bad. Yeah. I mean, Michael Chickles, I get it, but it's like, it's the commission, dude.

I love Chickles. How great was the shield? How great is this? I went to a party with Dane. I went to this party with Dane one night. He calls me up from an ally. He goes, I got to go to this party. It's a pre-awkscape party.

You wanna go? And I'm like, I don't wanna go, but I'm gonna go because that shit scares me. So I got my, you know, my scally cap on. We pull up to this up in the hills. And, you know, as, you know, typical Hollywood hills road, thin cars. And then we pull up in this house. This looks like a small little house. And there's a valet. And we pull up and the guy takes our car, takes a day's car, our car like a small little house. And there's a valet and we pull up and the guy takes our car, takes a day's car, our car like we're a couple, takes his car, you know, and day and you know, look, he knows how to do this shit. You know, he, he,

well, he's accustomed to it. Yeah, dude, he, I'm fucking, I'm literally just following his lead. Yeah. But, you know, we get out and it's, he's like the guy that's friends with seniors when you're softworns in high school Well, he just knows how to act. Yeah, it's how to fucking you know But we get out and all of a sudden there you know day and day and day and the pop riots across the street And they go Michael Michael. They thought I was Michael Chico's that is great Fuck so they thought you were the cop from the shield. Yeah Look, but you know, I used to get I used to get mistaken for fucking

John like was on oh yeah Yeah, I can see that bang in the back any Bobby. Yeah, and now it's like a chick Look how angry did it make you know that you're there Which is right, but that you're that much better of a comedian than John like was ah Well, you don't like John. I love John. I mean, I think he's gonna stand up though He's gonna come easy one man. He does one man chose. He's an actor. Yeah comic actor, but I'm saying you As a comic. Yeah, that's kind of I Admired because he said this once. He said I have a one-man show All I need is a pen and a legal pad. I agree with him. That's what he said. He goes, all I have, all I need is a pen and

a legal pad. And I tell you what's man. Uh, Liguzamo, this, some of the best one-man shows ever. Yeah. I mean, look, I look, I like the first one. I mean, whatever. He sucks. The holic was great. Okay. Yeah, it was all good But anyways, he you know that just meant something to me like wow I mean do I act on it sometimes most of the time? No because I'm a fucking comic and we're lazy That's the problem with us. You know right now me and you could be we could have been halfway through a fucking pilot That we could have sold next week for $45,000 We're 41 minutes into a shitty podcast.

I still have not heard one ghost. Need a demon attack you right now tonight, but please, God protect me. I don't have any information. Please, God protect me and think about from an evil. But listen, so we go and check this out. We go into this fucking place. And even Dane was like, oh my God because dude we walk in dust and

offman walks right by us. Okay goes in the other room and plops in the couch then force Whittaker. What? Is right in front of us and says hi to Dane and then says hi to me and then dude Mickey Rourke. As we're walking through, I look in this Mickey Rourke, then you look, dude, Drew Barrymore. There was the famous people everywhere. Which is unsettling for a comedian. Dude, me and Dane, I had my stupid hat on. I was like, summer, I didn't know we were going to wanna, it was like, and I was at

somebody's house. It was the most amazing party I've ever been. I took a picture of the toilet of this lady's house. That's all I could do. Because I was too scared to fucking get kicked out. Met Markey Mark on the way out. Hey, Mark, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? Hey, fuck kid. He would have fucking loved you. Didn't. Where the fucking you from? No, he doesn't even talk like that I know his brother Jim boss like hey, I am friends with your brother. It's good. Tell him I said hi like oh To brother, but anyways probably talk to him Yeah, fucking weird man, but you know, I I couldn't even handle a situation like that

Yeah, you could have. If you were with your friend, you could have. Because you would have just gigged with my best. Who is my most famous friend? Who is your most famous friend? Nate Berghatsi. What? How? What?

Well, you, but I mean... Who is your most famous friend? And mine... First of all, your most famous friend. Right. Okay. Okay. But, Nate Gantzie, I mean, after you, who? Be Deroza. Deroza? Yeah. But it's, say it. This Deroza Nate, I mean Nate's got more Conan's. Really?

Nate's done Conan fucking four times. It showed you how fucking much that works. I've never seen it. Now, but Nate's... CBS Conan is at the Conan. He did late night twice. Right. He did late night twice. He did TBS three, three Conan's.

Right. Yeah. It's weird how that shit does nothing for you anymore. That's so weird with like, why am I seeing on late night? You're like, if you did, would you even know this? It does nothing for you anymore. That's so weird with like, why am I seeing you on late night? You're like, if you had dead, would you even know this? It does nothing. I keep looking at that guy in the window. He's just sitting in his room.

It's weird. And it's crazy. Right now, it Dan's room looks like directly across to some dude in his apartment. Where is that a hotel? It's an apartment. An apartment where he's got his window up and we can see him players' day just watching TV

and I'm like, there was one pool of a hunting. Wreckly over, the guy shut the curtain. Right. But he was like super creepy like watching. Really? Yeah. It's great. First night.

Anyways, so yeah, did you came to fucking, we should get some food, I'm fucking. This will be, this podcast will be an extra podcast. Yeah. This will call this, shits and podcast. Yeah, this will call this shit in giggles Yeah, we should shit in giggles demon will attack you tonight But yeah, well you should get some food. Dude, I'm fucking starving. You're gonna let me eat shitty You know what what I'll let you answer that what is that man? I'll see you answer that. What does that mean? I'll see.

You know what you are? Corporate fucking Dan. Got tamer on. Neutral. You just didn't do that. Look around. See all this? Yeah.

Corporate. It's gorgeous. See this? Yeah. It's classic desk. What are you talking about? It's corporate. This desk is not yours. I know. But are you talking about? It's corporate. This desk is not yours.

I know, but is it? What? I think it is mine. What do you mean? Because I'm corporate damn. This is where I do my business. What business? You don't do any business.

I don't know. I'm trying to defend myself. You fucking are gone. All right, listen, man. Let's get the fuck outta here. Chicago, me and you. Chicago! We did it.

This is the problem with doing a podcast at night. When we both were fucking running around all day, is that it runs out of steam. Well, right at the end. Not gonna lie, we were going to haired and now we're losing steam. And you were listening to the Univway Dude Padcastly from Chicago. Also known as the Mansters of the Midway.

In a place where Babby's gonna get a hat, hat, tag here at a two in the morning. Dan's gonna get possessed by a demon. Dan's not gonna get possessed by a demon because the demon respects me. So he's gonna go into Babby's bowed head. Because he looks like that guy from Total Rico so it's gonna flip him out and that cat Kelly possessed. I know I know I think Bobby's Bobby screen just came through and fake kill each got a hood of me. This fat Kelly like Gatorade? Oh, I love Gatorade! It's like lime drinks by a cell phone

It's called electrolytes Do you have, do you use milk in your cereal or half and half? Oh, I doubt you, are you scream? I'll get from the rules! I bet this podcast is fucking awesome. This is an extra podcast for you fucking fans. We're in Chicago. Shit, Kengo, Illinois.

I wanna thank all your motherfuckers that came out tonight and saw the shows this weekend, all the podcast people. We told you we were gonna do one for you motherfuckers. This podcast was for you. People that showed up. It was. And if you hear any faint haunting in the background, well.

Well, you heard the sound. You be the judge. You let us know. Email us at ykwd at riotcast.com and you let us know what you think that was because it was fucking creepy. So fucking scary. Yeah, so fucking sad.

It's going to be weird because this might be the last podcast Dan does because he gets possessed by saying, please cover to me. I think I have everything. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. y por qué por que cap y por que cap You know what we did? So first, we missed our sight, and we got sucked It's important, it's important, it's important It really is, it really, really You know what we did? I missed our mistake Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop