Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Give Her Clams

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

This week on YKWD: Yannis Pappis in the studio hosting for Bobby while he is in Montreal for the JFL Festival! We have guest Ian Fidance back on to divulge more into his crazy sex life. Yannis and Lauren talk about growing up Guido, and Aaron Berg makes it in half way with a great and hysterical entrance. We talk about Aaron's time as an exotic dancer and share our hard limits! Watch/Listen/Share/Enjoy Dudes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network Riotcast.com Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet earth. This is going to be a cost of fire. It's podcast. No rules. What are the mic assholes? I'm sure I've already said should I record it? Can I get a microphone?

No, what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of you guys on. It's just us sitting down, yapping sometimes, it's hilarious sometimes, it's 10-0 topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin! That's how it all holds the-

That's how it all holds the- You love the part. You want a day you think my podcast is popular enough where I might affect some of these lives. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on flightcast.com. No. Eat a dick. We're in town. We'll see what we get here. Wack. Hock.

Anyway, we're here. We got the, uh, the regs. Janus Papis filling in for, uh, Bobby Kelly. For Robert, Dr. Robert Kelly. Dr. Bob, he's on the phone. He's up in Montreal, but he's on the phone. And thank God Lauren's got a, uh, what is it? Seven plus?

Uh, six. Six. Six? Six S plus, so I can see all of Bobby. and thank God learned it's got a, what is it, 7 plus? 6S? 6S plus so I can see all of Bobby. I have the latest and greatest. You guys are wonderful, Zach. Yeah. Technology, the latest and greatest. What's up, Bobby?

How you doing? You got your reading glasses on? Yes, I got my reading glasses on. How you doing? Good. They're more like goggles though, aren't they? Those glasses are more like goggles. Yeah, you look like you just got off a motor scooter.

It looks like bloated Mr. McGoo. That's the rubber. It looks like bloated Mr. McGoo. What is that? Turn me to that first right now. Turn me to that first. Titties and blood, Ian Fudance. What's up? What's up? Like a game like this definitely. Oh, what a compliment. Thank you.

Listen. I didn't call this wire call. Let me get to... I gotta go. I have a car service waiting for me. Oh, he's very important. Yeah, he's not. He's bragging. Lauren, turn my neck 80 degrees. Turn the

phone back him again. Last time you're on the show, you're done. I love you, Bobby. Come on. He he enrode his bike here shirtless from Williamsburg with fucking rap musin plaring off it. He does not give a fuck. I love this dude. Yeah. Yeah. Would you? Doesn't he look like a divorced dad who just is like fucking I'm moving to Miami and I'm selling coke? Or what did you say Bobby yours was even better? It looks like he looks like he looks like he's a rat for the cops. I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Yeah, the movies. He looks like the guy flipped. Yeah, he's the guy that the cops has you really have to beat up to get the info from.

Yeah, yeah, I just tell it off the bat. Here's what I'm calling for because I really do. I'm going to fly first of all. Yeah, we lost them. We lost Bobby. Thank you, Brent. Wait, you're breaking up you broke up in this high technology Communication we got going on right here. I want to I have to get these live reads in y'allness, okay? Okay, and this is deep discount.com. Have you heard about them? I haven't heard about them Bob Bobby Well, let me tell you something about it. And I love this. Keep this counts.com. Uh-huh. Because right now you like watching TV, right? Yeah.

What else is there to do? Just follow this. There's a lot. There's sex. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that's sex, but who wants to do that that takes up so much time and it's hot? Right. And you watch TV. Absolutely. With a nice little snack. Well, you do. You don't have snacks? No, no. I eat three times a day, not 15. Y'all. First of all, I only eat twice a day and they're very big. Okay? Yeah. If I was there, you guys are a tad, this is is just I've had a shit day too much get there I've had to get this shit two days I wish I was in there so I could

of fucking attack you cowards got me on a phone oh yeah bashing me fuck you up woke you choke on your ice coffee when Lauren did Lauren get that for you did no she didn't came with that came with them well yeah we know what. Yeah, I don't even get a fuck ready to yell immediately. Yeah, I don't even get a coffee anymore Bobby, you need a hug here Lauren put the phone up to me. I'm gonna hug him good luck trying Do you feel better now? I think he's my he's my new favorite in New York City

You're my new favorite person hell your cake. I smell salami for some I'll work my way up to favorite comic We'll get there thanks to that insult you do look at just count all right They're a very loyal sponsor to my podcast. OK. And I really, I really love going to this website. You can go to the website right now. You know what I got?

What? I got Rota. I bought Rota. How's that? Oh. And the little... Like Mary Teller More, Rota? Rota, you can go right now.

They have an a big, huge sale of your favorite TV shows over 600 seasons of season once, okay TV shows, TV, TV, TV, TV is in blu-rays right now. Why not start your binge watching and watch what you want, when you want. You'll find current shows too like American Horror Story, the office, okay classics like fantasy island, remember that? The plane, the plane, the plane. Your fans want to know, uh, can they see the whole first season of Ellen on it? They're big Ellen fans and listens to this.

But she's around too. Can you take the bomb dinner and wrap it around your forehead? They also have deepdiscount.com, uh. You go to my website, click right on the right cast at riotcast.com slash Robert Kelly, and you can click on the deep discount logo right on the homepage. Look for special coupons, codes, sales items, save even more during the check this out season one TV shows that means it's season one season one you got you got broken up deep this thank you Check it out five things listen. They're a great sponsor of the show and I actually use this place Go to deepdiscount.com. They got movie releases to y'all. Oh, wow I'm looking at it right now on the big screen. Yeah, out this week. Guess what ghost in a shell? Scarlett Joe Hanson

Ooh, my new favorites. Yeah She says it is it is it Massage in this stick to color hotty. Is that we still do that? No, I think that's accurate now free speech Free speech is that free. All right. She's the first of her kind a human mind inside of an art artificial body She wants to revenge on us. You know why why found out that I created a line about her past. Why would he do that? Oh man. It's in the script. It's all really smart guys lie.

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Um, who else is on the show today? Uh, right now, nobody. We're waiting for Aaron Berg on the nobody. But I, you know, while he's not here, meaning, meaning can just be him. Absolutely hilarious. This guy coming to this thing. You guys are a great crowd Chinese cock. Anyway this next guy coming give it up for Paul Verzi everybody you like black cock don't ya? Hey guys you never give a comment your sister's cheek by accident. Ah you look like you. I am Hamilton. Ah you look like your vagina's nicknames Cheesesteak.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bravo Blossom, my friend, Monroe Martin. You don't like black guys, do you? Next guy coming to this day, give it up for Derek, gains everybody. Once you go black, you go right back to a white guy,

because they have money. Give it up, Bruce, you go right back to a white guy, because they have money. Give it up, boom. Get in the advocate, everybody. Oh. Absolutely. It really is a piece of shit, isn't it? Your pussy looks like it smells like garbage. Anyway, come into this stage.

Give it up for Jerry Seinfeld, everybody. All right, listen, I got my driver out front sure sure okay go back to jerking off in your hotel room I don't what you driver your big one is Lauren want me off this fucking phone call I don't know she doesn't I love it where he goes turn my head back to y'allness In the future this is maybe like if he dies and they like animate his brain. Yeah, someone would just have to hold his head like that on a phone and just he'll be alive like that. Turn me back to that coward Janice. Hey thanks for having me Bobby. Thank you guys when I get back right thanks brother. Thanks for calling into my podcast

Adam that's the name Third one in third times the charm yeah next time I'd like you can get one of those Mormon name tags that'll work Why does it take me so many times remember the name? It's hard with white men. It is, right? Yeah. It's hard with anyone, man. Names are fucking really tough. I got good facial recognition, but names. Yeah.

If you meet someone, you got to do that thing. It's called, I think it's like a mental house, right? You put them in a compartment in your brain. You think of somewhere that you, like your grandparents or whatever, and you walk in and you place their name to the right behind the umbrella holder. Are you making the shit up for? It sounds like the most pseudo-science order.

I just repeat their name, and I'm the name's in my head. And you have a Gisha fan right now. It's hot, you're honest. You have an eight? How fucking great are you? You rolled here on a bike with your shirt off in a fucking bandana, and you have a Gisha fan. Yeah, I put the game, Gisha, buddy. You don't on a bike with your shirt off in a fucking bandanna and you have a gaysha fan

Yeah, I put the game gaysha buddy, you don't get a fuck and you got tats on your fucking chest And he's banging it real hotty. He's what I'm hanging a real hotty. Yeah, who's the hearties bang him? Buddy, oh boy, oh buddy. Did you used to date? Yes, don't bring it up. It's a thing correct. Yeah Yes, don't bring it up. Is it correct? Yeah Go to the list, but yeah, no, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah, appreciate what I say that was good Yes, that I had a gay show fan. Oh Comment it's it's wild Yeah, we'll do it. It's hot and I really don't give a fuck. Let me ask you a question. How many are you sick of people thinking you're a Jew?

No, I think it's interesting that people feel so comfortable coming up and being like, Jew, you know, because you cannot do that with any other race for ethnicity. You can't go up to someone and be like, you gone then. You know, it'll be like, what the fuck? Get them fired. But you wear, you got a cross on your neck. Do you wear the cross on your neck because you just want to just, like, it'll be like, what the fuck? Get him fired! But you wear it, you got a cross on your neck. Do you wear the cross on your neck because you just want to just, like,

it's sort of like a- Keep Jews away, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like garlic to vampires. So you don't want money, is what you're doing? But do you do it because you know people are gonna ask that question? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I know what I am. I know what I look like. I can't change it. I might as well just embrace it instead of being like, can't I just see a problem?

You know, stuff the wrong with looking a little Jewish. I know. A lot of people think I'm a Jew. People think my mom's a Jew. That's great. Brothers are Jew. Yeah. I, you know, I've ruined the stereotype is like Jews

are blah, blah, blah. But almost every single Jew I've ever interacted with has been just great, a mench, wonderful person. So I'm like, yeah yeah what a compliment thank you where which Jews are you hanging out with? Fiction is a fictitious one. Fictitious Jew. Have you ever met a nice Jew?

Yeah, dating a nice good Jew. Oh that's right. Yeah. It's my first Jew too. First Jew. First Jew. I know. Wow. Never dated a Jew. Yeah. Well that's good you to I know wow never dated a Jew. Yeah, oh, he's good

You're sorry to put them on a list. Yeah, that's great What's it like I mean it's great circumcise and all that yeah, whip and they don't go on the internet on the weekend Everyone's circle everyone circumcise now though, right? I'm circumcise. I use circumcise. I think it's George George you sir Adam come on hey Alex hey donnie De Kenbe you sir you says right oh yeah yeah Mike's on but I am circumcised yeah it's funny how to support you know it's funny there's like a big push for four-skin pride movement.

Oh, yeah, like nobody's doing it anymore to their children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like how dare you disfigure your child? Yeah. It's like more te- what's the word? I can't think of it. No, come on, you can do it. No, come on.

No, no, no, no, she can do it. No. You can do it, fine. No, come on. It's gone. Yes. When you chop something off, mutilate mutilate. Yeah, but yes, I'm the top.

Dave, somebody didn't do their homework. Dave, you're not reading your 50s sign books per week. Yeah, um, yeah, but you know what? I kind of wish I wasn't circumcised me too in retro spec. That's a lot of work though. Why not? Just pull it back and clean. Clean. Yeah, yeah.

But wait, if you're on circumcised, doesn't that mean that the tip of your penis is like more sensitive, so you can come faster? Yes. I heard it's better for the woman too, like sex wise. Really? Yeah. Just more kind of, more movement on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, maybe a gesture. An extra, an extra. Maybe a gesture. Really? Yeah. Just more kind of more movement on the on the on the on the. Maybe a gesture.

Anxiety. Tingle. Wingle. I don't know. Yeah. Because like when you're young it's okay, but when you start to get to my age, like, you know, it's like sandpaper down there. Hmm. I mean, I dry hand, you know, I've been dry hand master baiting for years. Hell yeah. I'm all about the dry hand. Chafing off every nerve ending. yeah, yeah, I go dry hand dry hand. I need a pile of dust when I'm done Do you loo-bop or you go dry hand dry hand dry hand in the shower if it takes me a while then I loo-bop But it's like such a mess with the loo-b. What do you mean takes you while you have a hard time being attracted to your own self?

Yeah. Who the hell has a problem with that? I love you, Ellen. How much coke do you do? Sometimes I have a hard time comment. I'm on, I'm on an antidepressant. So it turns like a fucking quick jerk session with 1984 hour of hate, you know?

I'm just like, what the fuck? That's like coke dick, I think. I'll do coke dick is the worst. Yeah, how long does it take? It never happens. Really? And then you got a hooker there and you're just like, all right, well, you know, I need to rest.

All right, most expensive steam was ever gotten in my life. You're a fucking wild one. You're wild. Yeah, how wild's your life, Pete? Wait, how old do you, if you don't mind me 32 32 okay? It's been crazy one the honest. Yeah, I'm like a little cat that not he does have the kind of look though that you just don't know is a yeah That's why I had to ask there's no way. Yeah, you could be 50 32 or 12. Yeah, you're very black. I'll play it all That's such a great compliment. I love it people either think of Jewish or they tell me I have a black soul

I'm like, by the way, thank you. Yeah, you do a lot of the urban rooms and hang out with the wax Love the blacks blacks are great. They are they're the best. They know how to have fun, man They do not they appreciate it more than we do yep Because you know, you know, it's funny walking down the street you make eye contact with a white guy and you're like, hey, what's up? They're like, oh god, whatever. No, you do it with a white guy and you're like, hey, what's up? They're like, oh, God, what happened? Oh, no. You do it with a black man. They're like, all right now.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. They keep the rhythm going. Yeah. You never break rhythm. It's all rhythm. It's the best, man.

Chan shakes. When you shake a white dude's hand, it's kind of like you, you do this kind of like jerking off an elephant mode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They do like a fucking hole like

ahhh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't like scary. Wait a second. Wait a second. You guys are shocked. She's from Jersey. Yeah. She's Italian. If she had sex with a black guy, she wouldn't really or come back to life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mutilated. Mutilated. Mutilated. You're doing good. I was there. We would have been holding her head up on the phone from the afterlife.

Lauren, what's it worth? It is. What's your last name is not so Italian, though, is it? No, it's Sears. Well, that's my, that's my married name. I still hold my married name, but the one before that's Sears. You were married? Yes.

No way. How old are you? I'm 30. When did you get married? When I was 25. To who? To a man. No.

Yeah. Who was a guy? He was someone I dated in college really. Yeah, wow I love the answer that like that the answer that question was like that's not talking Yeah, I'm over to a guy. Yeah, I was married to a guy Somebody I knew Since I was 18 and we were together Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 18 and we were together for, you know, I got to cheer you up. Italian Catholic, so we got married. That's all of their Italian Catholics.

Very, very. 25's late. I mean, it's on time to get married. I remember I was fucking years ago, I was, you know, drinking real bad and this real bad. This check was coming from Jersey to see me. I met her at the shore, right? And my aunt, my aunt called and you know, you did that thing

on a landline when you pick up the phone and someone else picks up the phone and you can hear them because you've had said hello yet. I heard my mom, my aunt, my aunt was like, Gail, you gotta get him married to this girl. It'll settle him down, you'll quit his drink and get him married to this girl. And she was like the second time coming over to my house

Oh my god, an Italian thing of like you get married you settle down that fixes your problems You still got problems have a kid. Yeah, you ever get divorced kids What one kid doesn't do for Catholic? No, no, you need at least three Yeah, I couldn't do the kid thing. I was like no no, I'm out. He wanted? He wanted. I couldn't do it. Did you imagine you were a kid? I was like 26. I'm like, I don't have a fucking kid right now.

It's nuts. I'm 26 years old. Like economy shit. Right. You know, especially, you know. Is that really weighted? You were caught out like that. The economy is the worst.

I can't stand that. I'm 7%. So, I'm not going to be a kid anymore. Is that really weight it? You were caught at that one. Yeah! The acutally. You were caught at the market. I was sure it's down to seven percent. So my vagina's closed though. Apple stock really is taking a time. Disney took a hit. That's not all my eggs.

We don't make anything in this country anymore. I can't have kids. Fuck kids. Yeah. So what was the reason you think? We had definitely been together too long. We became like brother and sister. Yeah. If you're with someone from like 1718 until you're like late 20s, they become like a brother

to you. You don't have sex. Here's the roommate. It's all of a sudden. How do you avoid that? Is that avoidable? Do you think you and you and your current boyfriend are gonna get there?

Are you nervous because of your last relationship? Knowing that that's coming, it's acceptable. Well, I think because my last one, when we live together right off the bat, and we like, we miss a lot of steps. Like, I don't, like, I'll take my time now in life. Any relationship. I think I don't think long-term monogamy is sustainable.

No, it's definitely not. Especially not today with every single way to communicate with anyone and, like, little flirtation's going on, you know what I mean? It's possible though. Dude, I think for men, it's a little harder, but only if there's a lot available to you. And I think it becomes easier when you get older.

When the sex drive dips, the sex, the testosterone drops, you start thinking about all the consequence, you're like, I can't, you know, you don't have the energy to do it. You have too much to lose. Too much to lose. You're like, I'm not fucking starting over, I'm not, you know. Starting over.

That's why it's good to be with the best friend, right? So that you can have that connection. No, but you still need like a sexual, you know, that's a, that's why you should be able to step out. Yeah. Get your sex elsewhere and then come back and be lovers of friendship. Jealous, we can't handle that. Too much jealousy.

Yeah, too much. Too much jealousy. Mm-hmm. You know, that's what I think. What if it's someone if you have no emotional connection? Well, from, yeah, that's a dude's, dude's get it. Yeah. But then would you like your girl to do the same thing now?

If it was no emotional connection. You're a fucking wild man, that's why. Yeah, you're crazy. Yeah, you're a wild man. And I believe you too, you look me dead in the eye. You're like, yeah. She doesn't have any feelings for you. You should be fucking.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll be shirtless on my bike Yeah, blast and wait and clan wait That girls also not gonna be at home cooking you dinner taking care of the house I'll cook dinner take care of the house. I'll have off dinner wait when she gets home Tell me about the dick baby. Let me hear You're not a planner, are you? No.

You don't look like a guy thinks about consequences. No, my phone. You've gone aloab is in fully developed. You're not an accident when I was here. No, I have a real hard time planning, yeah, that's true. But I like to live in the moment, you know, whatever happens, you just deal with it. And hopefully it all buff out.

I wish I was more like that, man. Yeah. I think I think about consequences too much. Stopped me from having a good time. Right. You know, I'm always like I'm always thinking about like, you know, that's the Greek in you. That's the Greek paranoid. It's Italians too. Right. Yeah. Me too. I spent my whole life, you know, paranoid, thinking of obsessing, anxiety, anxiety, my dreams though to sure. No. Do Do we beach you did a lot of fucking drugs at Dewey Beach. Oh, I did a lot drinking at Dewey Beach. Oh my god Do we beach what's Dewey Beach Delaware? Oh, I only know the do me beach

Do me yeah, cuz all the cops kids go down there to fuck you just fuck down the Jersey Shore Oh, it's so grimy. I had to figure I had claws. I had the nails at claws. It's like puff my hair. It's so hot. I love my Trash. I was so, so, so, so, so, neon, neon colors. Neon pink two tops. White BB track shorts. You did not hesitate to call her trash. Oh, God, I love trash. I love high-davits. Like flip flops, but they had pumps on them. Of course.

And like, you know what I'm saying? Oh, but I had the gem on the bottom of the bed. And you had the chandelier. I had a chandelier belly button. I gotta get out of here. You were able to see my full snookie. Full weed at. And you had, did you have like the skin cancer tan just like? I'd a chandelier belly button. I gotta get out of here. You were able to fall. Fools. Fulgweed at.

And you had, did you have like the skin cancer tan just like? Oh, I was black. I was black. I was black person. I was black. I was Caribbean. Would you yell at me? Oh yeah.

I would slick my hair back. I'm so sorry. I'm screaming. Ronnie, no. Stop, Ron. Yes. Ron. Yes.

How fun would that be to be with a boyfriend though who's like clearly on steroids and Stop, Ron. Yes. Ron. Yes. How fun would that be to be with a boyfriend though, who's like clearly on steroids and has just like random, violent outbursts? Dude, I dated it. It was out of control. Oh, I'm a nightmare. It is, yeah, it's a nightmare. It's gotta be exciting though, right?

Yeah, cuz you know what, was he angry? Or is he gonna punch a wall? For no reason. Is he gonna punch me? Yeah. You fucking other guy. He's like, all right, no, was the angry or is he gonna punch a wall for no reason? Is he gonna punch me? Yeah, you fucking other guy. He's like, all right, no problem. And then like you, you chew with your mouth open.

Next thing you know, you just get pounded out because it triggers his road rage. You're like, what the fuck? This is so unreliable. I blinked faster than you're right. Baaah! Baaah! Unpredictable road rage.

Yeah, right. Jersey stores is, is Jersey Shore still kind of like, Gweed Oat out? Yeah, right. Jersey stores is, is, is Jersey Shore still kind of like, Gweed Oat out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Tiki Bar and Point Pleasant and like Belmar, like James. Mac and Mankers.

Yeah. I don't know if I've ever been there. Yeah. I was like a pizza place at Jersey Shore. Yeah. Yeah. Mama Celeste is a pizza place in Dewey. Oh, that's right.

Are you guys ever like, you have a marbled defect that this country's really like six different countries? Oh yeah, dude, we should not be one country. We should be like different. Queenos are like really only like a North East quarter. They are sludge people. They are under mentally developed sludge people. They're just like, we can talk about my brother like that?

Cannot connect dots, cannot make sense of things, you know. But put Dutch knot America. The fuck outta here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything that doesn't make sense, get the fuck outta here. I dated this like cop, Kuido, like right, with me in my ex broke up and he it was like around the election You knew it's just like I just like so excited for Trump man guns man

Like that's all that was his argument Trump man guns man Yeah, fuck Hillary that ugly cut Not smart. What if we switch like cuz like you got Guita's in the northeast quarter, right? Not smart. What if we switched like because like you got Guitos in the Northeast quarter, right? Boston, New York, New England. That's really a Guido. You got some Florida Guitos. Yeah, that's really about it. Yeah, it's like three spots Right. Yeah, Rhode Island, New England What if you and what if you switched like the Northeast and Florida Guitos with like the Mid Atlantic and Southern like you know Good old boys. You think that they wouldn't get more difference.

Do you think that eventually they would just like change like the, the Guitars would end up like talking slower? I, I, man, I gotta tell you locker up. Forget about. Sunday pasta is great. I'm going to get some Sunday pasta and then we just go. I ain't gonna smush afterwards. Y'all want to get some Sunday pasta and then we just gonna hang on with Trump. I'm gonna smush afterwards. Y'all wanna get some spaghetti with red sauce?

Yeah. I love my mom's gravy. I love being Italian. They say, I tell you. I tell you. Let me tell you what I love, man. I love the Bible. I love bass.

And I love pumping my face. Because they're really pretty similar, no? Yeah, I mean, all done. Well, that's the thing. We're all so similar, but then we just put these like, little walls of differences up. We're like, oh, you're not like me, you're not like me.

And it's really been a day, it's all the fucking same. Yeah. No, no, no. The older I get, the more I'm like, we're different. Yeah. Maybe it's when you get older, you like, you can't change it. You just hope that like, there's a hope that there's some sort of big epidemic that kills a lot of people.

It's gonna be an end. So I still feel like I can change it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't think I can morph into any California vibe. I just couldn't get into it. I think so, because we're all products of our environment.

Yeah. When I spent a year in Miami I saw it and slow I noticed it slowly happening Bucknet of time. Yeah, do you remember? It was like first of I lost like 30 pounds Because you just can't walk around there with a New York body That one's a gorgeous. Everyone's just fucking ripped for no reason and I came with my like New York where black get you to Accomplished body and they're like what are you doing? What's your rush? Why are you fat? I was ripped for no reason, and I came with my like New York where Black gets shit accomplished, body, and they're like, what are you doing?

What's your rush? Why are you fat? So next thing you know, I just stopped eating, you know? And I just, I- Little budget okay. Yeah, and I was able to see like the D'Angelo bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, I was fucking, I was doing bathroom,

mirrored selfies on the ground. Do you have a blowout? I started Jalen a little bit. Yeah, I was tan all the time and then it was one button at a time. I woke up and I just had a gold next scene. I had four buttons open, chest hair showing. I was full blown Miami douchebag. Wow. Were you going to the gym? Not really. It's doing push-ups though. What do you do down there for like, I just feel like all the people down there are just vapid, the busts of humans. Here's the thing about Miami.

Like, I used to have a joke, like Miami's like if New York and LA had a baby. Right. And then that baby developed a Coke problem. But Miami is like LA in that everyone is very superficial, right? But in LA, people are superficial, but ambitious. Like trying to be a model or actress or a YouTube star. Or whatever they're doing.

Miami, people are superficial with no ambition. So I kind of respect it. You know, it's like, they're vapid. They're vapid. But they're just vapid and that's it. And they just exist. They just exist. It's like, that's what Miami is like.

It's like, what kind of cardio and like, and people are just existing. They don't work and they're just hot. It's like cool to live in a trailer park. It's not even a big deal. Really? Yeah. That sounds kind of good.

No. If you just accept Miami for what it is. If you either live in a trailer park or sell trailers one day, that would feel like a little more fort-loaded. Oh really? Yeah, Miami is fucking Latin America. I mean, it is like- I would just want to go down there for the butts, but it's when people are like that attractive, sometimes I can pull super attractive,

but a lot of times it makes me feel bad because I'm like very, you know, I'm kind of like odd looking. I'm like a non-traditionally handsome man. You are. And it doesn't really work with like fake plastic, whatever, but that I think because it's so hard to get, I like want it more, you know?

But I feel like if I went 10 to Miami, I'd end up hating myself. What's your fetish? What kind of girls you like the most? Which kind of girl do you think could counteract anti-depressant dick? Like so hot that you Yeah, that the pro's act doesn't make it go limp recent check

Just like she was kind of she had like a Said she wanted to get breast implants because her boobs aren't big enough, but they were like small but like really nice. And then just like the fattest, nicest sculpted ass ever. I'm like a little like tattooed. I know, I know. No, I know what she looks like.

Right, right, right, I know. I know. What was that? I don't know, I don't know. Natural reaction. That was a real genuine. Yeah know. I know. What was that? I don't know. I know. Natural reaction. That was a real genuine. Yeah. That was great. Mm-hmm.

Started a whole different podcast. I come out as a lesbian or a dad. You could fly both ways. Yeah, I could fly. I'll fly. You could fly both ways. Yeah. I'll never have, but what?

You're a round-tripper. Yeah. Did have, but what? You're a round, you're a round tripper. Yeah, did a lot of like aggressive female makeouts in college. Oh, in public. Public, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Guys, look at us, we're making. Right, right, right, right. Because everybody watches, like, every week on this guy's.

So it's kind of for attention kind of? Oh, yeah. When you're like 18 and drug. Yeah, you're just Molly do you do Molly into it? No, I've never done a drug besides marijuana. Whoa I know she's scared I don't you got you gotta walk through that Start no, I'm afraid I'll like die. You gotta go through that A party's got to die. I don't know for you to grow. I don't want to die yet.

Oh, I don't want to die. I've never done cocaine. I've never done anything. I'm not saying coke, but you should be like mushrooms or acid. Cokain's so stupid. Cokain is like you just do it to be like, I'm on cocaine.

Like it's all, I loved like the process to get cocaine more than the cocaine. That's what people say to the coke. I've never done cocaine there. Yeah, they say it's like the butterflies you get getting it. Yeah, yeah, you make a call and then you gotta get in some guy's key. Yeah, you know, you're sitting next to his car.

Is it different than picking up weed or any other? Oh, yeah. We like hang out, have a conversation. This you like just like stare straight forward and the guy just handed to you over a stick shift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because it makes you feel like fucking he-man, right? It makes you, and then you got it in your pocket

and it's like, wow, wow, wow, it's like glowing and nothing else matters. And then you do it and you're like, I wanna talk forever. Yeah. My buddy Jesse would explain it like he would always go like cocaine, getting the cocaine so fun. Yup, that he'd be like, he'd be hanging out with a dude.

He'd be like, I would done. We're not doing coke ever again. And then they fun, that he'd be like, he'd be hanging out with a dude, he'd do coke with him, be like, I would done, we're not doing coke ever again. And then they'd pause and there'd be sounds and you go, why you got some? Yeah. Why you got some? Why you got it? Why you got it?

Why you got it? Why you got it? You got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it?

Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? Why you got it? can you like do in one sitting and not? Because I heard coming off of Coke is like a nightmare. The worst. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, like with the when you're up and like the birds are chirping and everyone's going to work and you're just like, hey, hey, you know, it's like fucking, oh god. I'm just watching morning TV. Dude. And then the next day you're just like puking and just like, oh god, you can't shit. And you're just like, this is awful. Then an an hour later. You're like let's do it again

Try to jerk off and good morning America comes on Sweating over a wood floor. Oh god, dude. Just pulling in marshmallow dick just pulling in marshmallow dick. It's fucking awful. Dude, what time I was doing coke? And I was just puking, and in between puking, doing more coke, and then just bleeding, and doing more coke. Like, mad that I was like losing the coke out of my nose.

You can fuck up that. Yeah, yeah, just like nightmare scenario. Sometimes, that made me, that's fun. Yeah. Yeah, sounds like a great time. Stories like that make it obvious why religion exists. Yeah. Because when you're throwing up you're bleeding and you're jerking off I think the only oh they like you like help me. Yeah, you know, right. Yeah, how do I get how do I get out of this cycle right?

Right, right you need a you need a fairy tale. Yeah strong one. Yeah, I don't like puking. I'm not like good at Weeks. Yeah, puking's the worst p Puking does suck. It does. And when you get that like Salivating thing in your mouth, right? You know it's coming. Yeah, and you're like and your mouth is cold red I've had some nasty pukes in my life. Just I puked on the subway. We know we had Jersey Shores. I puked everywhere. I puked while driving. I puked all over myself while I was driving down the bus. Gross. I walked into my house, I was covered in vomit.

My mom was like, oh my god. I feel like girls puked more than guys when it comes to drink. Yeah, because they're skinny. They miss judge what they can handle. And they drink vodka because it's low calorie. Vodka. Vodka, crayon. I can get a vodka.

That was to New York. What an vodka. Vodka. Vodka, crayon. I guess that was two New York. What an vodka. Vodka. You drink a lot of vodka. Yeah. So vodka. Oh, like vodka. You'll baby, let me buy you a vodka club.

I mean, that fan is. That's great. I mean, that is one of the greatest things. You bought that or? No, someone gave it to me. Who gave that to you? Kayleealey from the stand. Oh waitress 21 year-old waitress. Yeah, yeah Light attendant. Oh for Virgin Airlines. Yeah, she just turned 21. Oh boy

To be young be young again. Yeah, she had his tank best. I was like I'm sweating. She's like you're taking it I was like oh, thank you, and then you just it's function rather than fashion man. Yeah, I had his tank best. I was like, I'm sweating. She's like, you're taking it. I was like, oh, thank you. And then you just... It's function rather than fashion, man. Yeah. I just sweat so much. I was so dumb at 21. Like, I was just like, not ready to take my life seriously. Dude, I was, I was, I was with my friends, and they were like, dude, in order to get an older chick, you got to lie about your age.

I was like, all right, all right. You're right. So I went to the bar, and I was 21 in this chick, because this older chick was like, so how old are you? I was like 22. So I remember I had sex with a girl in college. She was 17.

She was visiting the school and I was like 19. And I was just freaking out. I was like, oh my god. I was like, I'm a, I'm a, that statutory rape, you know, it's like a legal. Yeah. Now my girlfriend is 14 and a year, 14 and a half years younger. Really?

So it's not wild. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Oh, man. Yeah, comedy has its part. That's it. No, no, no.

We're soulmates. What do you think I do? But do you feel like you guys don't have stuff in common or? Well, what do you mean? I'll be because you're always got to explain everything. Yeah. I mean, I think raising a child. What is your president bush?

What was it? Okay, this band's called Nirvana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're around before you were born. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what year was she born? She was born in 90. Wow.

Whoa, bro, go for you. She was born when, yeah, I was in 1990, right? Yeah, over you 90. And 90, I was 14 years old. Wow. So when I was in college, she was like, mama. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She had like a little party dress on and shoes. You were puking because you was puking for a totally different year. Yeah. I was sitting on a park bench, smoking blunts. She was just like playing with a Barbie doll brushing her hair.

So they got a park that playing with toys. Wild to think about how much like it's, while to think about how much a year meant back then. You remember like you were junior and like, they did much of you in juniors and sophomores. Yeah, and then now it's like, man, it doesn't matter. Oh my God. When I was 16, I, I thought sophomore year or junior, I hooked up with a junior in college who had gone to

my high school. And I thought that was like insane. Like I was 16 and he was in college. He was like 20. No, he was like probably 19. Yeah. And now that would be like, we're the same age. Yeah.

Yeah. Like if someone's like five years, you almost like, yeah, we're the same. It's the same age. Yeah. Who's the captain of the football team? Oh, my god. Of course. I told everybody. He wasn't in the chess. It's the same age. Who's the captain of the football team? Oh, my god. Of course, he was. Everybody.

He wasn't in the chess club. You're not a chess club team. Until now. Well, yeah, I switched. Now you're like 30 and wise. Yeah, you're a Brainiacs now. The reader. Do you try to, you nudge him though?

Like maybe you should go to the gym a little bit. Like the way he nudges you on, uh, rampal. He's a type of guy. He can't. Why don't you read, you know, come on, free market. And you're like, yeah, dumbbells, slow back. You can't change that bad. Why don't you, Lewis is going,

why don't you come with Lewis? You can't, real ass workout it. Seems like the diet's working for Lewis. Okay, muscle mill, good. My girl is the same way she liked fucking meat heads. Yeah. And then I caught her saying to one of her friends that I wasn't her type,

because I wasn't all mussely. Oh, really? Yeah, she's from Long Island. She liked it, yeah. When she was young, she liked those meatheads. Yeah, but you grow out of the meathead. You kinda do, right?

Yeah. It's just like not even fun anymore. Meatheads don't really run the world, you know? It's more the brainiacs, you know? Yeah. They're like, well, they're all about parting too much to it. Just the party doesn't stop.

I'm especially a Guido's in New Jersey. It's like, all right, the summer's coming out of prep for the summer. So they work out all winter long. Right. They go to the, that was my ex. He went to the gym two times a day. It's like, dude, like nobody gives a shit. Two times two times.

He is a mental disorder. Yeah. How fucked up is that? Okay. He went two times two times is a mental disorder. Yeah, fuck that okay. He went two times Times a day. Wow, that is crazy. That is crazy That's like he was probably fucking some guy at the gym Yeah, that's it. That's it. I don't mean to make you feel bad, but The guy was going to the gym two days ago

Two days and fucking D.A. And he left you. I mean, I'm not going to call him a queer, but that's so weird. Yeah, you work out. No, just read the bike. That's it. You know, that's probably a really good workout though. Yeah.

So how do you, you kind of, you built though. I got his good ass. But you're, you know, we all can't be Andrew. But Jason looks good. Tommy No, dude. I used to do like pushups pull ups now would be great And then I got in accidentally a shear and I can't really use my right arm that much kind of accident That much kind of accident I got to the car. Yeah, my bike. Yeah on the bike Yeah, you probably couldn't hear it because mob deep was blaring out you little speaker here a speaker attached to his bike I was playing ludicrous roll out. I mean just a man

He's such a fucking like free spirit. I rolled up right outside. He had a shirt off. He was dripping sweat bandanna around his head Like ludicrous blaring out of the speaker, smoking a cigarette. Dude, I'm telling you, by the next time I break whatever's anything I'm single, I'm going straight in. That's right. I am.

I'm gonna ask again. I don't give a shit. Yeah, you do act like you just broke up and you got no money for it. Yeah. I'm telling you. We're back. Like the like you. Backspread, break up. I'm point for it. Yeah. I'm telling you. We're back. Like the like you.

Backspread, Baker break up. I'm going for it. Yeah. You do have that vibe that like your wife took everything and you're like, you know what? Fuck it. And you just moved to Miami. Your shirts open all the time.

Next thing you know, you're like, life's too short, man. It is short. You got to fucking live every day. Like it's your last. Yeah. I don't shirt on button. It is sure. You got to fucking live every day like it's your last. Yeah. I don't shirt on button. Fucking speaker playing. Sigger in your mouth. Asshole juice on your nose. Yeah. This fucking I love cigarettes. That's my weakness. Now why did Bobby tell me that you bang tranny? So that's what he told me yesterday. Oh, do you? Yeah. All right. Mm-hmm.

That's why he told you. Yeah. because they're girls to you, right? You see my girls. Yeah, you're not attracted to dudes. I mean, I'm talking more recent. I beat, no, she's a bit much. Yeah, she is. She's the wrong kind of garbage. She's like a classy.

She probably got a lot of luggage. Yeah, I don't want to pick up. She's a real, a piece of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I like a classy to pick up. She's a real fucking piece of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I like classy trans brords. Do you like it, but you like when they keep their socks on or you don't mind? Cause the feet is the only thing that's very feminized.

Yeah. Well, the hands. I don't mind, you know? The hands can almost kind of, they are, they, I kind of like having a bear claw scoop up my little hand, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

How many trans would he bank? I don't, I mean, how many? How many trains is bad, right? How many trains do you have? I'm a transgender. Trans, third sex people. I don't know, man, a lot. I've dated a couple. I used to date them in like secret and I kept it secret like my whole fucking life.

Yeah. And, you know, I'm just tired of hiding. That's, it's not him and one of them. Yeah, once you start talking to him, nobody like my whole fucking life. And, you know, I'm just tired of hiding. Is that everyone on the world? Yeah, once you start talking to me, nobody gives a shit. Yeah, but you- Everyone cares about their own lives, nobody gives a shit.

Right, but you're this thing in your head, you know. Yeah, you go. Like whenever I be like a guy or a trans woman, I would burn the clothes I was in. Oh, you guys too? Yeah, I'm like, oh, fuck. You are a wild man. Yeah.

Wild man. Yeah, man. I just- What do you like better dudes or chicks? Chicks. Yeah. Wow, man. Yeah, man. I just like better dudes or chicks. Chicks, chicks. Chicks. But sometimes I just, you know, full moon, got a feed. Yeah. Okay.

So you're just like whatever you were sexual did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very, I'm very sensual, sexual, you know? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. So you can be attracted to women and dudes. Mm-hmm. They're so different though I can get cuz they're like right right stop saying tranny. Yeah, I mean, I got friends that are trans and they say tranny And I mean affectionate. It's yeah, it's it's not if you're not using as a pejorative, you know, I mean that's Or it is yeah like a I'll wait That's a tough one. That's a tough one.

What's gonna impress Dave tonight? Pajardo. How do I work that in for a different time? Pajardo is like when someone says, like, what would be a Pajardo word? It would be like, ask you. If you use Jew as a Pajardo. It's like a mean.

Like an insult. An insult, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if we were like, you know, it's like. Pajardo of me. Yeah, you're being pretty Jersey right now.

Yeah, it'd be like Jersey as a majority of. Or I love trash. He meant that. I met it in the best way. I'm with John. No, so you're trash. I'm way into it. He looked at it.

I love trash. It's like this Delaware thing. I just love like teased blonde. Well, you know what I used to do when I was younger? I remember like my first boners where I would go to West Coast video and I loved wrestling, but next to the wrestling section

was like the workout section and all those 80s workout videos. They'd be in these spandex and the hair and the legs and I remember I would just be like staring at them and my parents would be like, are you ready to go? I'd be like, I have to look at the wrestling videos. I haven't made my way over there yet.

The women on American Gladiators. Oh my god. Where they hot too? I told my dad I was like, I was like, dad, those girls are really hot and I don't mean sweaty. He's like, well, son. Yeah, well this chick just told me she got an arrowsmith leotard onesie.

Oh, I was like, I am coming right now. Like you have to send me a picture. So she's going to send me a picture. Aaron Berg just text me is on his way. Oh, I ran into a Chinese guy. He's a little bit. I love Aaron Berg. He's like little bit. Aaronburg.

He's he's like such a throwback vote, villain, old. I know. I love him and Christine together, too. They're such a great couple. Yeah, they're about to have a baby. I know in September.

That's insane. 105, 544. I got to redo my meter. What? 105. Oh, you can pay on your phone now, right? Yeah, 105. That's awesome. What I say 105 5 4 See dude, you gotta get a bike man. I am unfettered by the parking authority

I think I want to get a bike. I'm not even doing it. It's the best dude I'm telling you man. You got the wind blowing on you You're seeing a part of the city you've never seen. You're working out. You don't even realize it. You know, I wish roller blades were cool. You can make it cool. Do what you want to. Make you. Should I roll or roll or blade?

I think I'm going to do it. Do it. I think I'm not. I don't know. Dave will be helping me. You only think that stopping you is your own your own insecurities. Yeah.

You know, our all being so much fun though. Yeah. And it's kind of sexy. Yeah, you know, I'm really so much fun though. Yeah, and it's kind of sexy. Yeah, we'll tank top short shorts. We're like 70 sure it's with the socks. Oh my God. Holy shit. We're all playing when in and out. It's not really in. Oh, this is sniss.

Oh, a convert get us some more coffee. Uh, how many do you need man? I can go for a lot of coffee guys. I don't drink drugs anymore. So it's called the series. We're in the middle of recording, right? Yeah, don't leave. Yes, it's not leave.

Malcolm. Jeremy, you mind picking up with the young? For Yeah, it's did you go down the shore? Like growing up? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no The 80s is like, that's when the Guido's kind of started. When they went from like, I guess kind of greasers from the 50s. Right. To like, frees. Like everyone who came over from Ellis Island and like their kids. They actually, they like Italians wanted to be black and then blacks wanted to be Italians. Still. And that's like big mixture of time.

That's why they black people love scarfies. Yeah. They're obsessed with like mafia. Yeah, like good fellows. Yeah. They all grabbed their dicks. Yeah. They all have designs in the head.

The start, when I was growing up, it was the starter jackets. They all had the starter jackets on, but they neither group admits it. But they really kind of respect each other. Yeah. The jewelry. The jewelry. The shirts, the shoes, you know, and the the Guitars, when they do their hair like that, they try to like mat it down like fucking, you know, blacks.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the shape ups, all the CR similar. CR. But when I was growing up, it was like serious racial tension between the two in New York City.

Oh, yeah, we had, yeah, we had, you said Hawkins and then there was a couple riots and Dinkins and Koch, Koch. Oh, were you around? No, the Koch was before. Koch was before. Koch was 75, right? Koch was 80s. Side of hospital, he fucked everyone over with that.

Yeah, but he, his big thing was the housing. He created all this like, he built these how all this like a affordable housing. So you know, which is funny because they when they tried to rename the Queensborough bridge to Ed Koch bridge. There was like this huge protest because he ran on this platform of keeping side of hospital open and then he closed it. So like tons of black constituents were like fuck him. He's a piece of shit, but then he did all that stuff for housing. Yeah, you know, and also apparently he was gay too. He was gay.

Yeah, he was. And he like had to be in the closet. Yeah. That was the time when it just wasn't, yeah. Yeah. That was a wild time. Right? Yeah.

He couldn't be gay. Yeah. It's like that one guy in sopranos when they found out he was gay and they shoved a pool stick over his ass. Yeah. Oh, like, good. That's what I thought it was gonna be like when I was like, It's like that one guy in sopranos when they found out he was gay and they shoved a pool stick of his ass That's what I thought is gonna be like when I was like hey, I'm into you know, whatever Everything Guys, I don't know what you can call me, but like I'm in I'm game for whatever guys guys girls girls that were guys guys that are girl. I'm yeah me

Girls, girls that were guys, guys that are girls. I'm yapping. You're gonna have to have a broad spectrum of hate. Yeah. In fact, it sounds like the only thing you're not that into is yourself, because when you jerk off, sometimes you can't come. Yeah. You gotta love.

No, I'm into mine. I love myself today. Yeah. I got a lot of love for myself. Good. That's wild to me though. That spectrum is wild. It just shows how different people are.

Because I'm so in a femininity. I don't, anything guy, anything that reminds me of kind of guys, just it doesn't, I'm not attracted to it. But you go full spectrum. I kind of wish I was that way. You can get laid a lot. Oh yeah.

You can lay a lot. You download all the apps. Oh yeah. I get a joke that's You download all the apps. Oh yeah. I get a joke that's like the door of the swing is both ways. Swings most often. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Like do the menu also in the guys like you could try to,

you can be going through like a dry, women are harder to get laid with. Very, yeah. Dude's like you go on Grindr and it's like, I don't like Grindr. I'll see you in five minutes. Yeah. You don't even need to travel.

You find someone in your building. Isn't it like they're where they're located? Right, grinders to grind me. It's my way to. You like more of a classy hook up. Well, you know, also too, I'm very open and honest off the bat. I do not want a relationship.

I have no room for sharing emotions or anything right now. I'm still emotionally tied to my acts. Like, you know, I'm always gonna have a love for her. But I want to fuck. And, you know, I got this sex drive. So I just tell people, I'm like, look, I can't be in whatever. I'm just kind of varying to casual fun. And if you're into that, great. If you're not, well, we gotta keep moving. Yeah. Do you get like in moods? Are you like, I'm in the mood for a guy. Kind of like what I'm in the mood for Chinese. Yeah, yeah, like you've had pizza a lot

Yeah, I can switch up your porn Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, when you do porn you do all porn all types of pop. Yeah, I mean sometimes it's like it's weird like I'll I'll be With the chick and we'll like fuck at night fuck the next day and then the next time I jerk off It's gotta be to like gay porn yeah reason. And I used to hate myself for it. And, uh, and then I'll go on these kicks where it's only like fat ass blonde women. Yeah. You know, with just like ass crack, fucking fat ass, you know, how we're leaving it was it for you when you were just like, this is who I am. Dude, you got no idea. Yeah. It was a fuck. I thought I was gonna have to fucking go to the grave,

fucking secret. And people would always be like, you're such a good guy, you're such this, I'd be a young author, real me, you know who I am. And then I let people know who I was. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's great. I'm like, oh, I guess it was all of my own design. That's interesting.

Well, I don't blame you, those societies. Like, you know, sexuality is so weird though, because like, you know that most straight women, and I'm sure you do, most straight women mastermate to lesbian. Oh, that's all I'm asking. Yeah. What is up with that? Yeah. I don't know, but it's literally the only thing I'm asking.

And, dude, there are so many guys that have been with trans women that will like kill me if I ever said their secret. You know, I mean, like, I'm like a weird vessel for people's like secrets. And so many dudes have been like, listen, man, I'm going to tell you I was in Germany one time and if you could say something, I'll kill you. I'm like, right, man, hey, we're in Germany. I would be with a trans woman. I see them.

If they, you know, are attracted to them, we'll do feminine. I don't give a we're at a weird time right now because for a long time trans women were like all that's a tranny look at that crosser she's gross but now they're like so attractive and so hot that it fucks with people's hands because they're like well wait if i'm attracted to that does that make me gay dd now it doesn't just makes you a fucking sexual being now what actually like almost it doesn't it just makes you a fuck on sexual being now well it actually like almost almost the majority of people in the trans women are to identify as straight yeah they look like women yeah I mean you know you know a lot of them

take better care of themselves than most women and the only thing that makes a woman a woman I mean of course you you're born with the vagina of course but like it's the hormone in estrogen so if you're taking estrogen it turns I mean, I've never seen a model, Andreja Pedrick. I mean, it's in, she's like, yeah, she's like one of the most famous models in the world. She used to be called like the androgynous model. And now she's full trans. She's one of the most gorgeous women you will ever see in your entire life. We'll do it.

It is. And draw a job with a J. It is funny. Pedrick like yeah, there she is being with like trans women that are early in their transition because they have this weird idea of like It's insane. I mean look at her home. Yeah, that's a that's a man. He was born a man and look at that Who would want to stop that? Yeah,, it, come on, it's 2017. You gotta be a bigot to not wanna fuck her. Who cares? She has a woman's body.

Yeah, yeah. And a woman's heart, yeah. I mean, it's insane. It's asking. Look at her with Taylor Swift. Yeah, I mean, she looks like more of a chick than Taylor Swift. She does, look at that. Oh my God.

She's hotter than Taylor. She is. She is, man. I mean, it's I mean 2017 bro You got a marvel at what science can do and like why don't people like very who cares? Yeah, who cares? Yeah Yeah, people people get weird about that and they keep a lot of secret everyone's kind of full of shit Everyone's got a little fetish or some sexuality is wild. Yeah, it's wild. It's crazy, dude, because it's like the last part of us that we keep locked up in our brain, you know,

and our heads are fucking crazy places. And the shit people get off to is fucking wild. And the majority of it's okay, unless you're into like weird fucking crazy shit. But then it's like, well, as long as it's not kids, I don't think anything's weird. Yeah, right, right, right. Kids, some of the stuff that's like real violent,

like I can't get behind, you know, like. Well, I don't like it, but if someone likes, you know, a little bit, it's consensual. That's a good point because if you're jerking off to it and you're getting off to it and you're not actually doing it, then that's okay, you know?

Yeah, I guess, well, you're talking about, oh, I know what you're talking know? Yeah, I guess, well, you're talking about, oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I'm not into that either. That's a little weird to me. Oh, the rape one. Yeah, that's a little weird to me. Yeah, or like really violent stuff, like I'm not,

I mean, I love roughsacks, I love that. I love like, you know, choking with consent and everything and like a safe word, but the like real violent, it's like very off-putting and just like, I don't like that. Yeah, you know? I wish Burg was here, because he was like a male stripper for a little while. That's right.

And he jerked off in front of a dude. Really? For money, yeah. He's a little story about it when he was a stripper. He should be here, anybody. See, I never did that. I did for drugs, but I didn't do it for a good one.

You ask currency. He's a lemonade the middleman. If I really needed money, I would do like the professional dates where like men would pay you. Oh dude, I just felt a friend of mine with another friend to talk about selling underwear for a drink cup. You could make a lot of money, dude. Women do it.

Journey underwinter. Men can't. So fuck your wage gap. Should I sell my dirty underwear? I would love to sell my dirty underwear. Underweight man can't so fuck your wage gap I get a friend six months made ten grand shut up really. Yep selling. Oh my god. He hooked it up her Wow, yeah, there's a lot of freaks out there. There is man. I'm not in a dirty underwear either mine. I know a girl that hooked up the guy He was into dirty socks and he would put them in his mouth Freak yeah

Shame him If that's where you drew the line. I take a trety thick out of my mouth Piece of shit Freak Burn him he's still finished Yeah, her asshole is like on my eyeball. Do you think part of the appeal of transgendered women for guys, for straight guys, is that they're, they look like women, they think like women, they got brains like women, but they

kind of have that sex drive of a man. I don't know, man. And also like that there's no response, no chance of a baby. That's gotta be like deep down and, you know, that's gotta be such a man. I don't know me. And also like that there's no respond no no chance of a baby That's got to be like deep down and you know, that's got to be such a relief, you know to right? I think make that's I think that's probably a Sector in it and I think that's reason why women I think like last first of all women are designed to be attractive So you get a little more flexible. You have that kind of I'm a man kind of bullshit But also deep down in our psyche, I always suspected that it must be a real burden for women.

Every time she has sex with a dude to have it in the back of her mind, like, I hope it on your pregnant, you know, I'm just doing this for fun. But when you're hooking with a woman, you're completely free of that. So whether you're not conscious of her, not, yeah, it may not even be a conscious thing. It's just you're so the thought of it. Right. I'm just free. Well, coming for women is a lot of it's mental.

You know, if they're in a bad place or stress out, it's like, oh, you can't come or whatever. You know, so it's got to be like, you know, certain, you know, like the the trope is like, oh, women eat candles and pet rose petals in order to come, but it's like, well, you got to be in a good place, you know. You feel comfortable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you're worried about like getting pregnant or whatever, that's going to get in the way. Yeah. Yeah. Any guy the first like month we're having up, I'm faking every orgasm. Oh, no. Oh, Dave.

Sorry. Oh, Dave. Can we believe that? We're not Dave. Aaron. Not with that. This is being a fucking comic to worse. Just an ounce to fuck.

How many people is this podcast? 550- how many people is it? I don't have the number. What I'm saying is majority of women fake. You just slip like that like whoops, I mean. We're just fucking public whoops. I mean We're just fucking public with everything. Yeah, it's hilarious Sometimes I'll hang out with my friends sometimes the time I spend with my friends is like on podcasts

Podcasts together or just that's how we speak this guy coming to the podcast is Absolutely hilarious. It used to be a stripper's name was Black Ding Dong. Is that your daughter, sir? She looks like she likes Black Cock. I get out I'm talking about. Anyway, come to the stage. Give it up everybody for Ray Romano. Here he comes.

He looks like he just got done drenching himself in Taiwanese pussy. Give it up for Aaron Berg, everybody. ¡Hierre, Kanzi! ¡Soy como he visto! He visto que he visto que he visto que he a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Errin Burk. He's been on you before, eh? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's gone all the time.

Canadian. Wild Canadian. Wild. Errin Burk's wild too. Yeah. He's not going to get buried in a Jewish cemetery. He's got tats all over his body. Not gonna make it.

There he is, there he is. Everybody, welcome to the podcast. Absolutely hilarious. Please give a round of applause to my friend Aaron Berks. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are the best MCs ever. Now here we are.

We're gonna do that for the best hour. We got an Italian Catholic who looks like a Jew and a Jew who looks like an Italian. Yeah, here we go. We swapped it up. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Lord. Look at Big Bro.

What happened? I was at an audition, bro, for Napa Auto Parts. Napa. Let me guess, your audition was for a gay Somalia. Everybody auditioned, I do. I just turn it. I'm like, so this guy for a gay, uh, Somalia. Everybody should I do. I just turn it. I'm like, so this guy's a gay what? I'm like, no, he's an auto mechanic, man.

I'm saying a game mechanic. No, no, no, where does it say gay? Stop trying to give me a hand job. I'm making a choice. Did you guys, you guys want the faded or the dark blue jean shorts? No jean shorts. He's an auto mechanic.

There's no way you don't get typecasts a lot. Is this San Fran Gay or Chelsea Gay? It's too different. I gotta prepare the accent. There's no dialogue, sir. Now you get a call every time you're like, all right, we're looking for a bouncer. I'm fired.

I get nothing. I have an agent that sends me out so rarely for commercials. I don't have a legit agent here anymore But I used to get typecast when I used to audition in Canada blue collar shit. Yeah, tough guy shit That then they're like, are you short? You got a stand on apple boxes This guy's tough and they see you on the day though like what the fuck? What do you? Yeah, but you look big on the screen? Yeah, I'm the screen get the slice the lone pumps. pumps yeah he wears he used wear those heels like really yeah always wore heels yeah he looks big on in this screen a lot of actors are tiny yeah

oh tiny Tom Cruise tiny tiny tiny Ben Stiller is so tiny I really really like 5253 come Come on. Yeah. Dude, I watched Tropic Thunder again the other night. One of the best movie. Best fucking movie dude. Not B best. But Aaron stop. Such a good movie. I love it.

You like it? You think the best? What do you think? The best movie. I think it's one of the best stiller movies. Best black thing is ever. That was a huge bar. The best movie I've won.

One of the best stiller movies best black thing. There's something that was a something about my heart. The best movie I wanted the best movie is that he did. Yeah, it's definitely one of the most underrated comedy. I think it was hilarious. So many good people in a Danny McBride, Steve Cougan. And I mean, Robert Dunning Jr. was so fucking funny in it. Yeah, he's so the best black face ever done in a movie. Yeah, yeah, he got away with it too. Like not a peep. Yeah, nobody said anything.

Because it was part of the character now. They would cry over it. Yeah, they would cry over it now. Do you hear about the Somalian cop that shot a white woman? It's on my agenda. I knew you'd bring it in. Oh, man. Straight from the Kumia cop.

I found everybody. Oh, we covered it on the screen. Give it a fair And burn free speech. What power? American flag camo hat. Fuck social justice warriors. Yeah. We're gonna have a big,

be having a meeting at the compound on Thursday. I'm on the show on the service. I'll be over at the compound. Check your guns at the door. Wait, where is, where is the, is it the is it long Island in Waco, Texas? Things are bullpots down there for fourth of July It's he lives in Long Island so lovely. Oh, so you got to go to his house in Long Island. Oh, there's a studio in the city Oh, okay, okay, don't bring any of your black friends

They got to wear bulletproof vest But don't bring any of your black friends Yeah, you can't. You can't leave. Right the kind that stops the door. The fancy tight. They got to wear bulletproof vest. Jess in case, Kamiya gets a little rattled. Oh, that's gonna be great. I can't wait. Oh, they're with you?

Oh, God. I thought they were just walking in the neighborhood. Yeah, Maddo is late. I'm so excited that you're here and that you're guest host and this is killer. Yeah, yeah. Alright, let's talk about this one. This is Somalia. What happened? What happened? So some Malian dude shot a white lady.

Ration. He was a cop. Well, he was a cop. What was it? Ration? I mean, you're you're going hard. You're going way. I feel with the levels. You kind of are. That's a good point. You're kind of. Yeah. That's a very good point. Yeah. Oh, come on, a white cop shot a black guy. I know there's no video evidence of it yet, and there's no explanation, but you know it's racist. He's going to write it. Exactly what happened.

So what happened is this, the guy was a cop, Aaron and Aaron, that's him. Somalian Muslim, man. So the guy was a cop. Yeah. He was a Ethiopian, I think, right? Somalian used to be a pirate moved You might you might have read that on freedom

The right wing sites are the fuckers because their names their names are the best like freedom fighter conservative patriot because of their names, their names are the best. Like Freedom Fighter, conservative patriot dot. Eaglewingblood.com. Western Liberty. Yeah, yeah. Second amendment dot net. Liberty Bell makes me come dot. That pizza shop is a Muslim terrorist attraction center

run by Hillary Clinton's clone evil twin. Alex Jones. Yeah. There's clone evil twin. Alex Jones. Yeah. There's these pig babies. He tried to put them floor hard on the water, make the freaking frogs game. Somebody did a, um, an Alex Jones out. They took Alex Jones quotes and they made them into a bond, Iversohn. It's one of the funniest fucking things.

Yeah, pull it up, pull it up. But um, so I'll just get back story. I'm Aaron. Do you think that chicks hunt? Yeah, Andreja Pedrick. How how does she? Yes, she's very beautiful. Yeah, she was.

She was. Oh, that's a trans chick. And he's not face. Of course not. Yeah. I'm sorry. Two dudes comfortable over here. That's right.

It's a bon-iver. Just do bon-iver Alex Jones It's the great one of the funniest fucking things It's so funny Yeah, there we go. That's an indie folks. I'm not oh there it is to top one the top one. Yeah You're doing good with reading on man. That was hard with reading or I think all more planners have let's see I fully said that 90% of modern warfare is information that's why it's more important than ever that I'm watching to try on you to I think this one's too

long yeah no yeah maybe it's that one to see me I I'm a very paradigm of absolute control This could be yeah, this is it You guys know bon-eye right? Skinny no, yeah Every time I get my period I want to cry Why is he in the water? I had enough of these people They were called Christian Mariscone They were called

These babies alive They said in their body parts You know that these people I go on this disco They literally fall out from under wraps They're looking at the skin They're looking at the skin They're looking at the skin They're looking at the skin I'm on the wrong side. Green looking sketch here. He's got him on the video.

Oh, that's fake. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is great Bergs like this is kind of making sense. You're so out there. I'm laughing, I'm crying. That's the end of you, the love this guy. We'll start self-sid to crap. We don't even know this and it's out of place.

Look out. The magic video is the best. Me and Dave make love to this song later. I'm so damn happy. We're going to stay out. We Ha ha ha. Oh damn. Ha ha. We're going to stay. We're talking about free market, unregulated. Right. Let's have our daughter at the mall.

Ha ha ha. Oh. We're going to stab your wax your sun. Ha ha ha. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. Oh. So good.

We're going to stab you with a butcher knife. And then the best chief is going to say we're the last Oh Things like this that make the internet great yeah the internet really hits a lot of home runs Which for mom and all yeah, well, you know, Babe R is struck out a lot too. Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. The internet's hitting about 50 home runs with about 400 strikeouts. Good power hitter.

The internet is a power hitter. That doesn't hit for average, but when he connects. Oh, it's out. It's out. Aaron judge out. So anyway, Jones hates some aliens. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. Well, he, what happened with the thing?

Okay, so what happened out of woman and what? So what happened is an Australian woman. Yoga teacher, uh, well-being coach, like, like, the United States, Minneapolis, Minnesota, which by the way has a very large population, Muslim, and some allian population. Yes, primarily refugees and immigrants. Yeah, some of which are legal. So what happened was she called the cops, right?

Because she heard a disturbance or something. And or she, why did she call them? She thought someone would... She heard a disturbance in the alley behind her. Yeah, so she called the cops. The cops showed up and she came to the front door or whatever and he just, he shot her. What? Wow.

I don't know. There's maybe more details about that. In the car. Yeah. But but significant of significant importance is the fact that all cops in that state have body cams that are turned on all the time. These body cams were off. Their dash cam was off.

So it wreaks of suspicion. Now it could go one of two ways. It could be maybe this woman was crazy. one knew about it she ran up to the car and the passenger cop is the one that shot her and uh... the other option is maybe she went up and said something like a called the police not the doon coons you know and then maybe this guy fired one and two or and it was less than a one and two. And the famous last words. The famous episode is DUNICOO.

Or NANO. She smelled like sulfur. Yeah. It was like goblin baby and they go, we need to tell them, tell them, kill it. Kill it, one dude. We don't know the details, but a cop killed a woman. Cops killed a lot of people.

But a cop's killed. Yeah, they killed a woman. I mean, what's interesting about the story, it doesn't get the same mainstream media coverage as if it would have gone Because it's not a sexy dude. Yeah, that's what it is. It's not sexy. It fucking sucks When it comes down to you said a man cops fucking kill people Kill a lot of a lot of fucking people whether it's black or white and the majority of time it's not a race issue It's a power class issue and it's ill-prepared people fucking shooting citizens.

And then we have to turn it into a racial thing because we can't make sense of the fact that we've got a fucking boot on our throat as people in power. Yeah, I mean, you know, that's the name of the episode. Peace. Mike Drop. Well, Bobby doesn't like us to get too much into politics, but, yeah, you know, I think with these things It's never one thing. It's always like a compound for sure of a lot of things

Yeah, you know a lot everyone likes to Use one example to make bigger points that's sort of the age we live in now They point to one thing and they go this big thing or they go to the other side and they go this one thing this big Right, right. It's's like every single instance has unique characteristics. You got a different food taste different. It's always got different ingredients. I mean, every single police shooting, I think, is more unique than it is the same.

You got to kind of look at the circumstances. You got to put blame on the individual officers, the situation. You got kinda look at the circumstances. You gotta put blame on the individual officers, the situation. You gotta look at each one. That's the more responsible way to do it, than to just throw these blanket statements out there. But that's not the society we live in now. People make a lot of money off saying crazy shit.

Yeah. You know, it's like, it's monetized. It's monetized now. Oh, completely. You call yourself, I'm a spokesperson You know, I'm this is what I represent and then you just fucking say your shit Yeah, and you find other people sitting in their house going like fuck yeah on all sides It's like yeah truth is for sale. Yeah, yeah completely and you know, it's so funny to go to Union Square

And there'll be these fucking buttons that are like resist, dump, Trump, anti-capitalism rise up. Two buttons for $6. I saw it firsthand when I first came down in 2001, right after 9-11, I came to New York for like the second time in my life. We went to the World Trade Center where it was. And I remember seeing it and you're like, oh, the whore of this. And then seeing people just selling stuff

all around there. And this is the capitalizing on a tragedy. Which is that's American. Yeah. Yeah. It's sliced apple pie. That's where it is. Yeah.

That's the American dream now. It's no longer a house and a picket fence. It's doing no work being a butt model and fucking capitalizing on tragedy. Yeah. It's just, you know what it annoys me the most? It's like both sides ignore the points that breed the other side. It's like liberals will never admit that like,

all right, Islam has some tenants in the old region that are like crazy. And they just will never admit that. And they'll just be like, you're a fucking Islamophobic. And then the other side will just go, oh, you guys are all fucking socialist. Social, it's like both sides have points.

And if you deny the truth of that side, you kind of empower the extreme of the other side. And it just perpetually just keeps going. And those are always the two loudest voices in the room. The ones that got these blanket, unnew on statements that they just fucking speak. And it's so funny that it's always like, well, I just wanna start a dialogue

as long as I'm the only one talking. Right, as long as you can listen to me and be changed by what I want you to be changed. Yeah. That's why I hate today's feminism. Like I don't buy into it. I think it's all garbage. Oh, completely.

It's due as I say, not as I do. And these girls get so excited to post fucking pictures of like the campaign Hillary Clinton. It's like, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Like you don't, you're fighting, you're putting vagina hats on your head and like you don't, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Like, you're fighting, you're putting vagina hats on your head and like, you don't even know anything about feminism and you're running around. I thought the vagina hats were hilarious. I thought, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was pretty fun. Yeah, that's true. Look like one big bachelorette party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From a comedian's perspective, you're like, oh boy, this is a big bachelorette party. Come and DC.

It's gonna be awful. This is gonna be a mess. Yeah. I better have checked on. This is gonna be a mess. Yeah. I better have checked on by the time I get up there. These chicks are on Ruley. Oh my God. Now, R Kelly. Yeah.

What's that? This one's interesting. They're not slaves. One of them has reported back. She's safe. She's safe. She told, she's like, I can talk to my parents. I don't, R Kelly, you remember back in the day day pissed on some kids or some shit. Oh, I know yeah, okay. I know yeah

Yeah, so now he's where is he? I don't think it was pissed on some kids or some shit Yeah, he pissed on some kids. Yeah I don't think any of the other details were needed after that I have a few hit records definitely pretty good Unbelievable in her turn actually he is so fucking town tells were needed after that. I have a few hit records. Definitely. Pretty good. Yeah. So we forget unbelievable. Our turn actually he is so fucking talented. He plays a bunch of instruments. Dude, it's all right.

The talented ones, man. Extremely talented. They can do whatever they want. And we'll forgive him because they've got, you know, magical vocal chords. Yeah. Well, so what has I don't know the detail. All I know is they were supposed supposedly some cult that he had. The original story and I thought of you

when this story came out yet. Hey, why? Because we were talking about the news and how sensationalized it is and how everything's faking. It's just for clicks. The headline was like, or Kelly allegedly holding several slaves in code. For example, slaves in compound

uh... and then it was like and then it was like bus feed reports and i'm like there's five red flags in this report's top ten reasons why all Kelly has slaves answer this quiz to see if you are a slave top but we'll be so the parents reason the parents are like our daughters who are aspiring actresses are being held by our Kelly in a basement at one of his properties. And then uh, what are the so they called to the news and then Buzzfeed picked it up. And then

this chick called her. Her Ariel. The news is like, no, I'm fine. I mean, his basement would you know, yeah, I mean, his basement. I'm in a puddle of peace, but I want to be here. I'm totally gonna be there. I mean, I, I can breathe through a straw three days a week. It gives me enough oxygen to live. That's how show business. Sometimes he got a fuck our Kelly. You gotta put in your dude.

He feeds me pancake mix and dirty water. I think it's pancake man. I can't tell. That's what he tells me it is. I have, I'm still alive. I have enough nutrients to take you. I'm going to be a stalker. She did a video call.

She's kind. The best thing I saw today. Did you see that girl walking in Saudi Arabia? Yeah, yeah, I saw that. Oh boy. Oh boy. Sexy, huh? Breaking all the rules. That was much. She didn't have a hijama. Oh boy, sexy, huh? Breaking all the rules.

That was much. She didn't have a hijama. Oh, burrow. Yeah, they wanted a restaurant. Yeah, really? Saudi Arabia, one of our biggest allies by the way. And they are the most oppressive pieces of garbage. There is a terrible people.

There's a great documentary on Netflix about a couple of journalists who snuck in a Saudi Arabia. Did you see that? No. They snuck in a Saudi Arabia. Did you see that? No. They snuck in a Saudi Arabia and they filmed and yeah, dude. They have like a, they went to a town square where they do like public executions and wow. Saudi Arabia is wild. Yeah.

It's like medieval times over there. But you know, their ruling family has a lot of money and oil and you know, what are you going to tell? Is there people, are there people there that don't subscribe to those laws and don't live by those laws? Like I did a show the other night at Danger Fields and there was two people from the side. Stop bragging.

Stop bragging. I was closing for almost full pay. And so it's like they seem, you know, I'm like joke like, hey, it's a wife allowed to talk. Of course, he's like, laugh, but she never talked, you know, and he just got a woman killed by us for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She allowed to talk to you. She's dead.

You have 14 minutes left. So I wonder if there's people that leave there or, or live there as well that don't subscribe to those laws. That's a good question. I, I, I don't know well that don't subscribe to those laws. That's a good question. I, I, I don't know. I don't, I definitely know you're, you're supposed to, you know, they, they want you to subscribe to those laws. I don't know about Saudi, but I know in like Mexico, Brazil,

Iran, there's a huge underground punk scene of all these kids because like rock music is illegal in Iran and, and, uh, there's a huge underground punk scene of all these kids because like rock music is illegal when you run and the government's so fucked up in Brazil and Mexico that all these kids have come together and they have these underground punk and like scoshos where all the music is just like anti-government rising up and everything. So I wonder if that's the same in Saudi

because you can't have a massive people that just go lock and step with everything, can you? There's gotta be some to say. Saudi is like, they're gangster with it. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. Brazil, you know, Brazil, I think there's a little bit more diversity amongst the population. Yeah, Saudi is just like, there's any descent. I'm sure there is, but I don't think it's to the level where there's like a punk scene in South. I don't think so. Yeah. I think it's pretty wild in South. It goes over there and creates the punk scene. I think you could do it. Bandana. I think he could do it. Yeah. I think a guy like you could do it.

He just rides his bike. Yeah. Guys, follow me. He's so fucking free. They wouldn't know what to make. He'd show up with his shirt off in a bandana time around his head Everybody sweat. He'd be fucking dudes chicks cats everything heads would explode. Yeah, they just wouldn't it wouldn't Who is this no Jew that is coming this ruining the entire neighborhood? I'm not Jews. What the fuck is a shape shifter? Yeah, they were first of all yeah, they would they would not believe that you weren't What the fuck? He is a shape shifter. Yeah. They were, first of all, yeah, they would, they would not believe that you weren't Saudi. They would be like, you're a Jew.

There's no way. I bet the punk music in those places sucks so bad. Like I bet the musical instruments are good, but then their lyrics are like, say no to government. And then they just play for like five more minutes. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Hitler. No, that's, yeah, that, you know, and then they just play for like five more, Islam does not pro-choice.

They don't know what we're about at all. You know, I can't be like, women's rights. And we hate Islamophobia. It's like, well, they're not for women's rights. I mean, you got to kind of, yeah, we're a lot of rights. Yeah. The solution to everything is to be in the middle with leanings on both sides of some things. Right.

It's hard to think and it's hard to have a nuanced opinion. It's much easier to just have a blanket thing of like, I'm with her. Well, I just hate the notion of like, the religion of phobia. It's like, look dude, I'm secular, right? And I believe that that is the evolved way to be. So I am Islamophobic. I'm also Christian of phobic. I'm Judaism of phobic. I'm fucking Zoroastrianismophobic. I'm fucking phobic of any religion.

Now if you say am I phobic of the people? No. I judge people like if you're if you're from Iran or Iraq. I don't know. Yeah, I'm fucking Doma. I'm dogma. I'm-baked of people. You know, I understand a lot of these people are just born and snatched. I love people, but the ideology is something, just ruins it. You know, I also think spirituality is a great thing, but I think humans tame it, you know what I mean? Like people grab ahold of the bible

and just think that that's like, what do you like more spirituality? Or a nice, hard dick after you've been on a pussy run. Just switch things up, look. It is a spiritual experience. Did you know that he's by? I had some leanings towards believing that. When he was sucking you dick, you were like,

maybe he is. Yeah, I'm questioning you. Oh, the whole load. The whole love. Still going. Still going. Tingly, ingly. Now, you're not though, but you were a male stripper.

Yeah. You jerked off, dude. Jerked off in front of dudes. I'm not a dude. You got horror. They paid you to do that? Yeah, you had to. You don't get paid.

You can't jack off softs. The kind of show that you think I put on here. It's not a fucking hack. You want to watch we squeeze a marshmallow for eight minutes and then pump some jergons on your lap? What the guy you got to get hard? Sometimes they would try and touch your chest and stuff, but you move around so that they can Just keep the hundred bucks and you might hundred bucks hundred bucks one fifty usually one fifty was Got some tits on him. How many how many

ones can I do money? And I didn't money back in the day. But I would just throw a loony. It wasn't every night. It'd be like if you stripped for a treat you stripped for gay men, then it'd be like you'd maybe jack off and throw it on one or two dude. So I can a private. Where would you come? You usually just come in your hand. Sometimes you toss it. Toss it at them. They'd be like, sometimes you toss it. Yeah. Toss it at them.

They'd be like, come on my leg. You're like, it's an extra 50. Did you get a little extra tip by holding it and being like, now this is gonna be extra if you want me to throw it? No, no. Got a lot of guys that try to blow you. Didn't let Dude blow me there. Yeah, right.

Yeah, really? Even when they're flashing that money. Yeah, they don't, ugh. Yeah. Yeah, really even when they're flashing that money. Yeah, they don't Yeah guys offer I didn't I had like pretty fine lines of what I would do But like I'd fuck with my friends and stuff. We'd fuck girls together. It's all right. I mean god makes mistakes. I get it Yeah, I've got a parade Shit, what are you gonna do?

You know you get fucking a special day a month or what? I got the rainbow. You're getting gay bash by a guy who jerked off right now. Yeah, that is very good. Next level queer. Next. That was good. Get the band, get the band.

But it was great. Those were great times. I love that. I didn't know. So you were in a relationship with a woman recently though. I've been in a relationship with women for a long time. But by like straight through. Does that get in the way of it?

And then I would be like single and I'd go in these like tears. Nice. But from like 12 until like 24, I was like every six months through a year. I mean, this guy would fool around. Same guy. Same guy. Yeah.

No, it was very shame filled. And yeah, like we would fuck around that like burn my clothes. Same guy same guy. Yeah, that's awesome. No, it was very shame filled and really yeah Like we would fuck around that like burn my clothes Yeah, yeah, it was like a ton of Catholic whatever It was like it was very much like a whole shriek. Are we gonna kiss to be like? Oh, I'm not a faggot I'll put your little boy mouth on my teen penis Yeah That was the dirty talk to

Was there an age difference you guys are saying me okay, dude I'm really makes me happy that you're free from that shit. That must have been brilliant. Yeah, really was yeah Yeah, I hope there's some you know what dude was out there listening I know some you just buy your comments to me. Yeah, I think a lot of you are hiding stuff I know some you just buy your comments to me. Yeah, I think a lot of you are hiding stuff. Yeah. Because that rage comes out. Oh, it's rage film. Just take that rage and put it on.

Dude, it's funny. And other dude's tick. And where you want it. And like, open about who I am. I've just like been this beam of like, you're flushing. Yeah, you're flushing. You're gonna be a good, yeah.

If somebody gives a shit about that, me and Verzi had a long talk about this once where we were boozed out, we were drinking whiskey and we got deep in this conversation. And I really believe, I really believe that if you, if you feel violently against somebody for what their sexuality is, there's no other explanation because fear, you're so scared of it. Most of the feet, it's always,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, because if you're not, why would you care? That's the thing. It's like if you're not, you're just like, I do, it's getting more chicks for me. Yeah.

You know, it's a lesson of a, a lesson of competition for me, you know? Why would you care? You know, I don't understand what the threat is to it. Like on the deepest level, what's the threat to it? We have too many people on the planet anyway. So you would almost think that it would be kind of, it would be kind of celebrated.

Like look, these dudes like fucking other dudes are not gonna make babies. We need more of that, you know? Well, the fact that you would ever care about someone else's behaviors and like let that occupy space in your mind just blows the hell out of my mind. Sometimes I like gay people better than straight people. Yeah. They're nicer sometimes. And it's not even because they're gay, it's just who they are. That person. Yeah, that could be true Yeah, I like that the label to it No, it's it's not enough lesbians though. I feel like there's more gay men than lesbian women really? Yeah, I feel like people love Lesbians more no lesbians have taken a bad turn for the worst in the last few years

They're tough. Oh, they for now. When you do comedy and pro lesbians, they're tough. It's tough. Yeah, they're tough. They're tough. What? Burley bitches. I think part of the reason why they're kind of, you know, a lot of them, not to stereotype, but kind of surly is because they're women.

And so unlike gay dudes who are just blowing loads, I think they get it out. Women are women. so they kind of, lesbians get relationships quick. So they're just as miserable as the rest of us. Yeah, just like fucking, I've been with Sally for 15 years. Then I got to play one of the same fucking softball teams. I got to see her all the time. They're just have that monogamy rage that we all have.

That we all have that relationship. She just wants to get her being flicked by somebody. No, that's monogamy rage that we all have. That's a relationship. Yeah. She just wants to get her being flicked by somebody. No, that's it. Well, that's so fine. That was it. That was it. That was it.

That was it. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much is it's like M. R. A. Shit and all this bullshit.

A guy's like, Oh, look at women. Dude, it's because they've gotten rejected and they can't like come on who they wanna come on. You know what I mean? It's like, I just found out what you like to do. Come on, I like to come in mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know where there's two types of people, I've noticed.

There's the in mouth or on. I'm on now. You're on? You're on. I used to be in now, I'm on. I'm in and I've only come on once. Really? Once, yeah. I don't love to come on. I'm in and I've only come on once. Really? Once, loved it.

I don't love to come on. Something about the in mouth. Yes. I mean, it is the greatest. I go both ways. Yeah. I mean, I can't handle it. I love it.

I mean, I just can't handle it. I love come in pussy. Really? Yeah, that's a real feeling. That comes with consequences, though. Yeah, well, come in buttholes. Great too. That's a real feeling that comes with consequences. Yeah, well coming but holes great to that's with cream on your chocolate. That's so true though because what is it? Every fucking Republican Senator that's like, uh, gay people are evil. No gay marriage. They're found blowing some

guy in here. Yeah. It's always. Yes. Shakespeare said it breast. Like that. Now, what is it? Thou protest me thinks that I'll protest too much. I was gonna let Lauren do it But I know she didn't know either Not yet the book is on the list I'm chapter one babe. I got to finish reading Rand Paul's mind comfort And then Dave's made some reading list. Then I got to watch all his specials. I got to listen to every Lipper Toss podcast.

What's his podcast called to go? Part of the problem. I got to listen to part of the problem. Volume one, two, three, and a hundred. And I get to share. At least rocked his own just a music easel. He's getting banged like reading it. Like, uh huh, yes.

Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, that's the thing. You see me, I've tattooed it all over my body. I know it's the biggest hypocrite because you have it. It's like you like a lot of those people like very big freedom people, you know, and it's like, is that really, are you really for freedom? Yeah.

Or are you for your type because that's not freedom Right, you're like that other person can't do that. Well, you're not for freedom. Yeah, no not at all fundamentalism Just represses people, you know, it just pushes them into a corner and that's true Like that like that. Well, yeah, and catharsis them too like your penis is evil any pleasure is bad Sex is bad, you know? And it's just like, oh my God, yeah, it's great, but it's like, you know, masturbation is evil. That's like a sin growing up.

You're a Catholic, like sin to masturbate. But I always wondered like, cause I hooked up a lot of Catholic girls. Like my first hand job was a Catholic girl on the rock. Hell yeah. And I always wondered like. Did they confess? No, you are yet.

That's a good one too. But yeah, I was the confession. Yeah, I jerked off. I got that. There was a string play. And you're already rock. Can you get any nerve? No, mom.

I was going, friggin' be father, friggin' be father, for ever strong. But isn't it almost worth it knowing a lot of Catholic girls that I do grown up in Brooklyn, you know? Catholic schools everywhere. Isn't it almost worth it. Knowing a lot of Catholic girls that I do grown up in Brooklyn, you know, Catholic schools everywhere. Isn't it almost worth it to be a Catholic for how good it makes the shame in the sex? No. I mean, I used to jerk off and pray while I was jerking on that's hot though. I give a blowjob after CCD when they, and I felt so bad. That's CCD. Catholic school.

You're for like public school kids. That was a great moment where the Jew was just like, what's this? What's this CCD? This gent how world you live in? How do I invest in the CCD? Did he trade on the New York Stock Exchange? I thought God was like, you are awful.

I have watched you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I, but that forbidden fruit, it makes it like you are awful. I watched you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I But that forbidden fruit it makes it like a forbidden fruit. Oh, right. It's a worth it almost. Yeah. Like how good must it feel when like because you're feeling these operas. It's the best. That's what I'm saying. Right, but second you come you're like hellfire Wait when you fuck where you're not supposed to fuck I even when you flirt with someone that you're not supposed to be flirting with yeah, that's like so

Stephen Or Shinikawa who used to be a shanit Yeah, we're Shanique. Yeah, we used to be a Shanique. Yeah. Now you, you, what was your first Gentile Puzzle? Must've been so good. Oh, let me see. What did they call him?

Goiam. Oh, yeah. Well, I got a blowjob from this girl that used to, I was in this gang called the, the Posse and it was a subdivision of the Untouchables. No. White privilege gang. No. That's a real Canadian ship right there.

What would you do in your gang? Where the fuck are you doing in our neighborhood, eh? Break in the car. You're fucking get out of here, bud. Oh, really? Yeah. Take people's shoes. Yeah, take people's dock martens.

Oh, what? Where you're going with those fucking shoes, bud? That shoes, fella. Why don't you just come over here and let me chime on, would you? Hey. Come on. I'm going to show you what they're doing. Oh, there's a harmony tax. I know a shoes, fella. Why don't you just come over here and let me try him on. We'll just come on. I'm gonna show you what there's a harmony tax. I know a shoes fella. You walking through the wrong neighborhood. Tariff. There's a tariff now. Where the fuck did you go in, bud? Oh, I don't see no hockey puck behind you. You want to fucking go,

bud? Hey, bud. You ain't wearing enough gene. Shit braces like big braces. And everyone's like, that girl gives the best blow job. With braces. Yeah. And I went in this tube slide. You know those playgrounds and they would have those orange plastic too.

She blew me in the winter, maybe like 15, 16. It was so good. And then I took her to Swiss chalet after. You know what I was saying? It's like a chicken place in Canada. There we go. It's like $9.95 for like a breast and a potato. Oh, she took that.

My first blow job was so exciting. The mouth was so warm and it's in the middle of winter. And you're just like, oh, good. I'm maybe 15, 20 seconds and just hurling a mass of 15 years that come just rocking and down this poor slabs throat. Just so much. So much. She's.

Oh, she took it all. Yeah. Yeah. Can you look her up on Facebook? I don't remember her name. Oh, Aaron. I looked up the girl that gave me Climidion Facebook.

I found her. What's her name? Kathy Quinn. You're not supposed to say her real name. I say her real name all the time. Kathy Quinn. Poor fucking goyum. Climidion syphilis I got from her.

What? Kathy? What? You got syphilis. A week ago. A week. You got syphilis. What the fuck?

And you cured, you got cured a civil. Yeah, you have to go to shot a pen of cylinder. You didn't know that? Yeah, I know that, but you know. It's, ah, ah, ah. I'm talking to my blogger like a diabetes needle. A-ha-ha-ha. An epic pen.

An epic pen with a pen. Got a lip sack on it. I'm just, it feels like a... That's what he really does. Do you really? Yeah. Happy pen? No.

No, the pack. Do you know the doctor comes in with the checklist when you're like getting an XDD says he's like, you identify, you had sex with him. He's like, yep, yep, yep. Yeah. He sex with a girl and last week, yep. Just check all those guys. All the love things.

You're going to be going. He actually goes, you guys don't have any more boxes, guys. I got a few more. I got a couple more things. What about recent trani- Can I write my own box? Recent trani- Change back.

The recent trani- Change back. You need a box for that. Traini- Traini- Traini- Traini- When he comes in, they just come in with a buck.

They just open it, and he's just sitting there checking for the first 20 minutes. So what are your symptoms? I forget Everything you've been worse It's just a huge bow and arrow You never had syphilis right? Yeah, thank God I never had a CD horrible you never had an SDD. Yeah, she'll go get checked Jesus all the road attested every couple months Yeah, nice. I have I have also never had Nesity clean bill a hell dude. That's insane fucking wild. Yeah, and

Yeah, I it's kind of good to be out of the game because like the fear of those always clean though. I'm very safe You said he check. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I check. I have that conversation beforehand. Like, hey, are you one last time? I used to do this. I used to do this thing. I was so nervous. I didn't know what to do. So after sex, I'd be like, Hey, just to let you know, I have herpes, but I don't have an outbreak. They'd be like, What? I'd be like, I'm just kidding. Do you? It's actually smart. You can tell by their reaction. Yeah, they're freaked out. Then you know that they don't if they're like, well Funny to say that. Yeah, yeah, cuz I'd be so nervous. Yeah. Yeah, it's a tough one. You know Joe list. He's open about it. Yeah, he asked the girl He asked the girl and she was like yeah, or she told no she told them. Oh, she did. She told yeah She told him I heard she said I have her piece and she was like, oh, she told no, she told them. Oh, she

did. She told her. Yeah. She told him. I heard her. He said, I have her. He's like, I don't care. He's like, yeah, yeah, he wanted a man. He's so bad. Really? I did. Condom, no condom. No cons. Whoa. That's what he was drinking. You know, it was probably one of my favorite moments in comedy where he admitted that at the Chris Laker Awards at bar four, where he just stood up and- Is it when he first got in? Yeah, he just said to the whole packed room full of people, it's been a great year for me. Got herpes.

Ah! That's great. Yeah, that was great. It must feel so good to be open though about it. Yeah, yeah, you know? Cause nobody cares. I never think about that. I don't give a shit, dude. Yeah, yeah, you know, because like nobody cares. I never think about that. I don't give shit, dude.

Yeah, we're all too busy being obsessed with our own bullshit to like really care. Tell you this, I won't share a cigar with them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy.

I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. Before your current boyfriend. No, I was I had sex in high school. Oh, yeah, I School I In fact in high school Were you scared of the disease? I always use condoms because I never wanted to get pregnant But I didn't want to go on birth control either

Because birth control so fucked up. Yeah, it you fucked up. Yeah, you're gonna be on him so easy So he's on to you. Yeah, I know, but I don't want to baby. I know. Yeah. Sorry, Aaron. I'm having a baby I still think now like if I wanted to cheat like if I talked to my wife and I was like, Hey, could I just fuck Randoms on the road even if she said yes, then I'd be like I got now I gotta wear a fucking condom and then yeah, right I mean, but you don't want to roll the dice the other way and then bring fucking clamps back to your wife and even in Calgary for a weekend. Yeah, I'm doing class. Class.

Class my pussy burn. Did you fuck someone that then turns into a whole fucking thing? You use a public toilet. That happens to a lot of couples. I feel like I've heard stories like that. What guy goes out and cheats and then get something he's gonna do his wife. Yeah, that'd be the worst.

Yeah, happens the other way around too. Yeah. I have a friend happen to twice. Really? I was like, his taste in women you could tell he was evil. He likes the trash. He likes the trash. He likes the trash.

Trash. Dude, I used to be a carpenter and I was on a job. He used to be a carpenter as well. Yeah, yeah. Who are you, the village people? I've had every job of the village people. I was working at this house and this guy who's a cop, and he told me his friend got caught cheating.

His wife logged in with his email and he was talking to him and asked for it and was like, I will pay you no condom. I have a macular health. I'll do whatever it takes just like hounding this prostitute over and over and she found them. and was like, I will pay you no condom. I have a macular health. I'll do whatever it takes, just like hounding this prostitute over and over and she found them.

They just had a baby. She fucking left them and everything. The guy was moving in to stay at his house. The cops house, yeah. I have a macular health to this prostitute. Yeah. Yeah. This is pro,

escorts are probably safer than any chicken you meet at a bar. If they're high endend they get tested all the time the same I mean yeah Call girls maybe call girls. I'm not one to mean on Avenue. Anyway, I was a few call girls that do comedy now Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I bumped into I mean I could show you a picture. I don't want to say on the air right Right, right. Are they still call girls that do comedy? Dude, I thought was a hot chick. I might be a call girl. Easy money. Dude, I work at a bar. We just had to take your top off. I'd make so much money when I first got divorced. You know, Chris go, well, he like sat me down. We were like eating dinner when I don't know

what we're doing. He was like, listen to sweet buddies he's serious yes I just we but he said I really think Lauren what you need to do is just be an escort like a high at and like really try to sell Yeah, I was like no, I'm not doing this. Goose in animal. Yeah, he said all mad at you. I got your back Doing this Queen's trash It's gotta be a fucking modern day, damn tell you what you got to do now you know needs a voice your back out there So Lauren we have to do you know just tell your pussy To queen secret you know Star money order pretty girls. I went to high school with in quince, you know, I got a guy they became cool girls

He is such queens trash Skopo he's so queen You want some Yankee tickets you honest Yeah, like the maths he's a man's fan, but he's always got Yankees What are you doing? I'm from queen some from is he from flushing? Yeah, yeah I can't get it. Yeah. No, he likes the mats. He's a max fan, but he's always got yankers. Yeah. What are you doing? I'm from Queen. Is he from Flushing?

Yeah. Yeah. I just moved to Queens. Where? Yeah. Jackson Heights. How was it? I love it.

It's all Asian and Mexican and Indian. Lost me. No blacks. Good food. Oh, wow. You said that. I feel very safe. Yeah. Berg just starts screaming

I wouldn't I wouldn't move back to a black neighborhood me. I could I could not Horrible yeah, no no respect for the neighborhood No respect for the neighborhood just dog shit never where that's a black thing or a poverty thing that'd be a black thing dog shit never where that's a black thing or poverty that would be a black thing this is one part of me this is where somebody else can take over I will retreat I don't think it's a reason I think it's a black thing it's a black thing I'll tell you these Asians they keep a nice neighborhood the Asians yeah yeah you know why they don't even look at me. They treated like their noses. They pick them clean all the time.

Asian love picking their noses. Ah, why don't you guys back with races. On the train. A lot of times. On the train like, great, they'll just dig it. That's the thing in their culture. They're, they always spit. Oh, really?

Yeah. There's a lot of creepy vans though. I noticed in my neighborhood. They probably bustin' in the chicks to work at the nail salon. Yeah, probably. Yep. Hold in the nail salon.

We're goin' deeper right now. Not yet, but I'm gonna go. You should. You have a nice apartment. That's all right. How many roommates? Just one. She's from Nepal.

She's like a little Buddha. Yeah, she's really sweet. Really? You mean fat? She's fat? No, she's in shape. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah.

You guys kiss each other? You guys don't live together yet, huh? No. What's in shape. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. Yeah. You guys kiss each other? You guys don't live together yet, huh? No. She's alright. We kiss. Oh. No. You and David had to talk yet or no?

Why? Because they live with a woman? No, about moving in. Oh, no. No, no. You're gonna wait. You're gonna wait for that. You guys are gonna wait.

You're gonna wait. You're gonna wait. We're waiting. You're gonna wait. I waited. Yeah. Yeah, wait you to wait. Yeah, wait wait wait. Yeah, I waited Yeah, yeah, how long do you wait waited? I don't know year and a half. Yeah, yeah, let's go What did you do get pregnant first or moving together? We've didn't get we got married before we got pregnant Oh, that's a good idea. I just forgets about marriage. It's not I gotta say my pet peeve I may be alone on this I hate when couples say we got pregnant

Hate that yeah, we didn't do shit No She was pregnant. She got stopped giving women credit. She fucking laid there and took a load. Like a good lady. Oh, she was lucky. I had 11 swimmers. The take a ridiculous.

Dic-a-ray dog. I'm pregnant with my cock. Women go through a lot. Yeah, you know that. No nightmare. So nightmare. Can't sleep on her belly. She's got to sleep in a certain position. Jeez. She. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Fuckin' Can't sleep on her belly. You gotta sleep in a certain position.

Yeah. Oh, jeez. She's eating for two right now. Yeah. You evil man putting her through that. And what do you do? You go smoke cigars outside the stand, but we got pregnant. Yeah. You sit in your hot tub with your shirt off and his kids comin'

so bad. Counting your protein and fiber, smokein' cube and going honey. You're right in there Well, she's puking into a fucking toilet. Yeah, but we got a bit of a puking a lot, but yeah I mean I make it possible for them to both live, you know, that's true. I do that. Let's try yeah She's doing good. Yeah, she's on the road today with This kid every chance he gets he fucking brags. He's working at danger fields He's making enough spot paid a fetus wife Feet my fetus top level shit right here. This ain't no Roger

She's on row at a verse right now. Yeah, they're going to Delaware right now. Oh She's on row with a verse right now. Yeah, they're going to Delaware right now. Oh, it's too. A do we beach? Should we be? I did that last weekend. Yeah, fun. Scott Pelley.

They all come back to do it. It's just gay. Yeah, Scott Pelley. It was a fun gig. Yeah, then it last two. No, last year. I was supposed to do a last year. I can't do this before that.

Why did you cancel? No, no. I'm doing it August 1st or 2nd. Did you have fun? It's a fun room, right? Yeah, what I recommend is going like a day or two early you stay at the hotel and just like enjoy my wife's family living. You gotta go to a couple days early and make it like a little mini vacay Oh, yeah, we went two years ago

That's what I want to do go to the beach Yeah, we go there. We gotta go Maybe go for one night. You go't like you go to her hobbits You go to fun land you don't tell her hope and I get core brother to get my back It's the best you get grotto's pizza then you get dollies A town with no tax to Delaware's yeah, he's gonna get guns too. Yeah, I am gun there You know what I like about the Burke? We're we're in the same age bracket.

I love people in my age bracket. Because when you get to a certain age, you don't need a lot to have fun. You smoke a st- how happy you just would have stick in the fucking sauna. So happy. Yeah. Young kids, like they just kinda,

they're always antsy. Like what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? They don't appreciate it. I could stare at a tree for 20 minutes and have a great day. Yeah, that happens at the park. Just in the park.

Oh, that's perfect. I like doing that. How old are you? I'm 32. Yeah, but you live the life of a 50 year old renegade. Yeah, I've lived the life of a next method biker. A lot of miles on you. Yeah, you know what's beautiful about getting older

is that you know yourself comfortable with're all staying comfortable with yourself. And you get sentimental a bit. I like listening older music now. I like listening to the music that I listened to when I was a kid, because it takes you back. Yeah. And you love little feet. That's one of the great.

You know, being comfortable, your own skin is the best. That's what happens when you're older. It's just a took a long time. Yeah. And you're me, especially me too. Like till I was in my four even in my late 30s, I still wasn't me too. There wasn't comics. We're kind of we we're late bloomers. Yeah, grown children, you know, yeah, but it's so glorious on the other side. It's so freaking nice. He's comfortable in your

skin. Yeah, can. Women don't have that until they're much much older I really yeah, I'm sorry. You're not comfortable in your own skin. No, I mean like women's off to try a lot harder feel Yeah, well you would just make up yeah You get women walk around like they're in a play every day Imagine having them I hate doing fucking make, like when I had to show on Fusion, it was every day. I would hide from them, they would have to find me,

became like a funny thing, because I would try to hide, and then we go live, so it was like I'd have to just run on set, and they would fucking get pissed. They were like, I was like, I hate sitting in fucking chair, getting the makeup on you. It burns your face.

Yeah. Deal with that. And then you gotta take it off with alcohol every day. Yeah. Yeah. Your eye brow, your eyelashes. That's Mark. Marionne on the show, the women always have to go

like get hair and makeup for like three hours. She would always be in the makeup show. When we were learning the show, we had to do it in the makeup chair because we would learn the show like two hours before the show. And we had to do it in the makeup chair, because that's when she would start her makeup. Me and the other guy, Pedro, we did makeup in five to seven minutes. It was just like, bloop, a little bit. That is pretty insane. Yeah, women, it's a whole thing.

Like if I want to like really look good and I'm going out, I need at least two and a half hours. It's crazy. That's not. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. And then you take a runny shit and it's all ruined. But it is funny though. Like I try my hardest to be like, hey, don't wear makeup, be yourself. I don't care. I love it. And then I see them without a face and I'm like, make up.

Oh, Jason. I can't toss one in. Yeah. I love to grow it up makeup. If you just bring it without makeup, I like it. Oh, yeah. I'm just in one in there. I love a girl without makeup. If she's pretty without makeup, I like it. Yeah, I'm just in sweats or whatever. Oh, it's so great. It's long as long as the nice dick just hanging there.

Yeah, you can see that line of the dick and a sweat. You know, yeah. Now, when you watch Tranny porn, do you need the girls to be hard to turn you? Like, is it weird? The lipsticks are weird you like is it weird the lipsticks are weird? I'll tell you because because we're gay and tranny Transporns it's like you have emphatic proof that they're turned on you know what I mean? With like yeah, but with like regular porn out, you know the woman's faking She's I'm coming. You're like no, you're not you fucking stupid liar. Just be chow, why do you be truthful? They're basically like Lauren

for the first month of the relationship. Remember that part of the podcast? Oh, God. Everyone except Dave. I fake it for. Everyone except Dave. She said she, yeah, women can't have to be comfortable in order to go.

So she, she goes the first month, she always fakes it, and then she goes I except for Dave We quink Oh, well, no, it's not you guys do passionate love. It's cerebral Passionate though. No we're gross No, it's not you guys do passionate love. It's cerebral passionate. No we're gross crank up some edge here when your legs don't work like you That's your wedding song. Yeah Didn't he just do a guest appearance on thrones big trouble bro. Yeah, he's off Twitter now

He got off Twitter's last night. He got So much like he got a couple good positive things, but everybody else is like Ed Sheeran sucks. He's off Twitter. He's sucked already He bailed. Well, you know, I saw Ed Sheeran live at Barclay Center. He fucking rocked Barclay. He's fucking right Here's the thing where Game of Thrones fucked up. Uh-huh. They shouldn't have done that. It's not What happened? He did a guest appearance on Throne Here's the thing where Game of Thrones fucked up. They shouldn't have done that. It's not the type. What happened? He did a guest appearance on Throne. And people who love Game of Thrones are pissed because it's like, they're like getting lost

in the world of Game of Thrones. Yeah. And it takes you out of it. You get like a celebrity, is that what you're doing now? Right. Are you guys the prices right now? Yeah.

So like piss, I understand. It's just a stupid thing. It's like, who's next? David Prakow. David Beckham. David Beckham gonna be on now and fuck it. You know, so like piss I understand they it's just a stupid thing. Yeah, it's like what's who's next David Back up please David back. I'm gonna be on now and fuck remember in word planted the ape save that big Coca-Cola truck Just out of nowhere the Proper place. I noticed that. Yeah, oh, but you're subconscious dead. Yeah, I'm sure they know what they're doing Yeah, they know what they're fucking doing

Yeah, I don't know I really yeah. I'd like Dave infected you. Yeah. Yeah, Dave after was, you know, what, you know, it's all anti-man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What play to the apes? Yeah, because it makes you hate humans and you rooting for the apes. Yeah, right.

This is like fucked up. I always root for the animals. I was, yeah. Whenever an animal gets hurt in a movie, I always root against the humans. Yeah. I love animals. I don't root for either one when I see a movie because, uh, I'm an adult.

I, uh, it's, uh, far fetched fiction. I liked it. I cheered up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, there was a picture. Somebody took a picture of me going, over the logic. I saw a female in the Janie's movie. I cried like a bitch.

Dude, my brother told me it was fucking great. That's what I heard. One of the best movies I've seen probably all year. Yeah, but I'm really so good. Kumail takes romantic comedy to the next one. Yeah, really? That's the word on the street? Fucking phenomenal. Oh, and for you to look past his skin color,

that must be a great film. I like brown comics and pretty same. I'm pretty same. I'm just trying to make it in a white man's world. I get it. All jokes aside, my brother was raving a lot. So good. Really?

I got to see it. I call my wife Crying on FaceTime in the street. It's so good. It's such a great movie. You've got to see it. I mean, it'll be on Netflix in a while, but it's one of those films that's worth supporting in a theater. It's his real life story about him marrying a white woman,

his relationship with a white woman, and how his parents wanted to disown him. And that became like a real story that then blew up in the news and became like, you know, a trending topic about Indian men marrying white women. How it's so dishonorable to their families. Oh yeah, and I read an article that was like,

can we stop having black and brown men going after white women in movies? It was like, it's just real life. Are you saying he failed it? It's real life. What do you do? Yeah. Yeah.

He wrote it, right? He wouldn't be able to touch art. He did write it? Yeah. Props him to come out, man. I forget who directed it though. I think it was Appetite who produced it. Yeah. He did write it. Yeah. Props to come out. Yeah. I forget who directed it though. I think it was apatow. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, really? Oh, man. Yeah. He's doing everything. He's fucking. He's got no spare time. He hits a lot of homers too. Yeah.

I mean, he's had a few misses, but there's a lot of fucking homers. Yeah. I mean, he never got in the love on Netflix. I never got into that. I have okay. And then afterwards, it was like what? What's it's just the same thing?

You know, it's really good. The doctor's Dre document or any HBO. Oh, I am in about. I'm in the five. Yeah, yeah, it's about what's his name the guy from capital records. Music producer. Are these shirts and Bob? Are you talking about Jimmy? I mean Jimmy. I been yeah, right Jimmy I mean have you seen have you seen glow? Gorgeous lady's a wrestling. Oh, I saw the documentary and the series and it is Wonderful Marren's in it. Oh, I was sobbing watching the documentary. Yeah, I think my meds got messed up Is there any reads or anything? No Bobby did that. Oh, he did that read and what was that company called again? Um deep discount, deep discount, discount.com

Great place to go for any type of people. Discount.com huge support is a compound media as well. There you go. Deep discount.com all your DVD needs. Yeah, DVDs that you can't get even the ones you can't get on Netflix. Yeah, Hulu, and I'm gonna. Yeah, deep discount. That's so good. I'm gonna go there today. Yeah. And I'm gonna get a deep discount. We're at the two mark. This was a lot of fun.

Yeah, it was great. That's not bad that I was late, but this flew. No, dude. You were awesome. You came in at the right time. Because Ian was doing a lot of Aaron Burke bashing on me. But you were here to hear it. Yeah.

I'm pretty easy to bash. I'm not a very good comedian, not a good person. I got it. I'm a good person. But you do have a podcast people should listen to that you know? Yeah, it's in hot water. It's on compoundmedia.com. And I'll be in, is this live?

Yeah, go on. Montreal Comedy Festival next week. Hey, 26 to, where am I? 26 to 30th, I'll be there going home to Canada Hell yeah, I don't like it. I don't like going back there. No, you're in New York. Yeah, I'm in New York New York. You love America do this. I love America. I love New York. How fucking great is New York America loves you Sadie. I have to convince you You're a real I don't have to convince you by that shit

You're here for like a year or two, you're sold. You're like, this place is a universe that never runs out. Yeah. Yeah. Every other city. Many leave you and you feel like you're missing out on anything. Yeah. Yeah. And when you're little, every movie is in New York, you have to be there. It's just the excitement. It makes you like a co-cat. Like, just the adrenaline of it just never dies.

Yeah. Best seeing the world. I love it. Well, New York is happy to have Berge. He's a great dude. Very funny comic. Check out his podcast. See him in Montreal. Ian? Yes, sir.

What are your plugs, my friend? Hello. You can follow me on Instagram, Animal, I-A-N, I-M-A-L. My website, Ian5ance.com. And I'm gonna be on Bennington on Monday the 24th. And then, Kumi is showing the 31st. Nice. I got a bunch of bar shows. Love Bennington on Monday the 24th and then a coomy a show on the 31st. I had a bunch of bar shows love that Bennington is so good.

How long? He's so kind to me man. He's the great. He's so wonderful. He is the fucking great. How long has he been doing stand up? I mean, he just came back at it maybe a year ago. He's so fucking quick.

He's so funny. He's so funny. He's so funny. It's nuts. He is so fucking funny. He's so funny. He's so funny. It's nuts. It is fucking nuts. And he's so funny on radio. Yeah, so good.

And when you do radio with him, nobody's ever made me feel so comfortable. Like, it's always picks the ball up and he always has something. He's just the best. Yeah, he is. I think it's a check you on about it. He's been so kind to me, man. I love him a lot.

I love going in there. And working to people catch you besides the grizzly pair and you can catch you in at every black show. I'll be a night egg. I'm going to be at his scape lounge in August. You can bring three people and just you motherfucker were Fied I I got a bunch of bar show is coming up and fucking wings work and Brooklyn and of course you got a podcast somewhere You're a podcast, man. You he that. No, I just go on podcast. I get to get one Jerry

Donald what do we got D Just gonna read Bobby's dates too. Okay Bobby's dates. Yeah, I can be opening for Bobby at science flitters Yeah, he's at just for laughs. He just left today. So who's gonna be there up until 27 you're the new stop roast my man And then wiki wd live podcast will be at jfl this year at the high Regency on the 27th And then yep September side splitters with Ian 28th 29th 30th and then October 12th and Tacoma

Washington right on and if you listen into this live I will be at the heart for funny bone this weekend. And then next weekend, I will be at the Arlington Draft House. So come check it out and follow me on Twitter and give me all your fucking aggressive stupid comments about that. For that, bro. I have dumb I am. That's all I get. One of the last I was like, can you do you hear yourself and you know what, dude? Do you know how dumb you are? Three followers. Can you do you hear yourself on you know what dude? Do you know how dumb you are? Three followers

Cartoon picture for pro So guys over there was petrace david cross It's actually fucking hilarious. Oh fuck you Hey, I wrote it. So did it come from a far-dicky winner? All right guys, thanks for listening. Peace out. Enjoy every sandwich. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.

Shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free.