Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - God, Death and Failed Calls

Episode Date: April 30, 2012

Comedian Ryan Hamilton sits in on YKWD.   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night! ¡Con fireballs! Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. Hey, this is Ryan Hamilton. You're listening to the You Know What Dude podcast on riotcast.com.

¡Eso es un gran ruido! Es el primer person que ha dado ruido. ¡Fuckin' nail it! Nailed it. ¿Es verdad? ¡Ya, usted piste la pisa de ese ruido! ¡Ya, ¿me parece que es verdad? Who's the first person that gave a read? Fuck it, nailed it. Nailed it. Really? Yeah, you speak the piss out of that read. You really do believe in God.

Or God leaves him right here. Alright. Get off your phone. It's Twitter. Get off the phone! Get off the phone! This is the... Morio Yamasuki.

You are listening. Do you know what to do? Put the cast! It is very honorable to fall on summer I saw it. All go to riotcust.com iTunes! Can you do the sexy Bob Kelly? This is Roberto Kelly.

When I am not masturbating or pleasureing myself to the thought of kissing another person I listen to the you know what dude podcast right guys.com I Tons for the passion for the bushel. You're listening to Monster Voice in the morning on WKLF Oudable. I was only classic rock station. The Wolf. A-Woo! For some reason I really just wanted to do that.

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the 17th and 18th and the 19th. Why, that's three days a laughter. Rotter-Kelly-Live.com for all your dates. you know we need I'm stuck in the sink and sink in the sink You know we need you I'm stuck in the sink, I'm stuck in the water You know we need you I'm stuck in the sink, I'm stuck in the water Oh fuck, alright, we are

We're here with another episode of... You know what dude, it's the you know what I don't know, I was gonna come with a new... You trying to come up with a new one? Yeah, cause the you know what dude! That's not it dude! You can't do it! You know what dude! Ha! You know what dude! It's you know what do you know what do you know what dude?

It's the you know what dude. Yeah, you got to think dude Yeah, there you go. What the fuck let me try it again. Yeah, all right. Let's start from the game Take it ready. We're here with another episode of you. You know what dude. It's deep to high. No, it's it's you know what You know what did you know what did the Boston accent you know what You're fucking mouth your mouth you mouth doesn't look much mouth. All right. We're here with fucking dance odor as you can hear I'm monster voice aka monster voice aka corporate Dan. That's correct and We're here with Kelly Kelly Fostuka. Hello. Oh so nice. Oh god. Those koala things are fucking delicious. They're like great. You're welcome. Really good. And we have a special guest, a very good friend of mine. We shouldn't be friends for all of, just, we just shouldn't like each other.

But we do. We love each other. That's right. Ryan Hamlet. Yeah. And for fans, real fans of the podcast, no, Ryan, from, he was on when I did it on the iPhone, a year ago when I used to just do the podcast on my iPhone.

Yeah. I really do like that it was a year ago but you're making it sound like it was in the fucking 80s. Like if you really know your stuff all the way a year ago. All the way. Ah, fuck it. Oh, a year ago. He was on the show.

He was on the show a year ago. You two really are opposites to the point that you could write a buddy cop movie about that. He's a rough and tumble Boston cop. He's from Idaho. Mormon from Idaho. Are you a Mormon from Idaho? Yeah. Yeah, we know you're, you know what we talked about your Mormon last time?

Blah blah blah. Right? Yeah, you're sick of it, right? Yeah. I mean, whatever. What do you want to know? Why? Because you're God, not my know? Why do you believe in a false profit? Why? You believe in a God that doesn't exist. He came in a Corvette in 1986. I don't mean to get

real corporate Dan. Blimey's beliefs are his beliefs. I respect his beliefs. and what do you think Fato? You said that so easily I can't be angry at it. You can't write you down. You can't really feed the corbis. This is the thing about Kelly is she might have to kick her off the podcast because I would choose she would hang on because of that because she's cute and she's got these beautiful eyelashes like she's a real pretty girl. No, I listen, let me tell you something. It has nothing to do with sexual. I know if me and you have a fool around as soon as we were done, as soon as the last little sperm swim out of my fat peahole hide I'd hear, wait, wait, you want to get some ice cream?

It's not going to get a terrible thing. I would literally cut my dick off. Have I not told you enough gross things about me though? I know. You should have used it back then. That's funny about my asshole that much. Kelly really came in and fucking said, look at you. Nobody's going to fucking, I better friends

like they're all going gonna try to bang you. It's gonna be, and she went, not with the story. She's really made a hole for the shit out of those possible movies. She walked in, she's like, me, look, she wanna try to cook pork myself? Oh my, the lead plenty to my ass hole used to be fixed, game gaff. I took my piece, and I just,

I just flipped my fat out for you one thing. Oh Welcome boys. She did she she actually She's a good-looking girl Kelly walked in and fucking Kelly is not only good-looking. She's a wifey material Yeah, Kelly's gonna take all my aggression on Kelly. I'll explain I'm gonna get into that. I don't know what the fuck that means That's a little. Okay, I was, I just said that out loud. Yeah, he did, yeah. I mean, that came the fuck out there.

Here's the deal. She, wife and material where I mean, you know, like when I said in my act, I go my wife, you know, she's not in shape. She's not fat, she's wife fat, you know what I mean? Like Kelly's, she's wife fat, you know what I mean? Like, she's shape, she's not fat, she's wife fat. You know what I mean? Like Kelly's, she's wife fat. You know what I mean?

Like, she's not, she's pretty. Kelly's not fat at all. I'll take it. I'll take wife fat. She's wife fat. I've got a little jiggle, a little jiggle. I mean, we post in the video that we do. Yeah, exactly.

You can bite her elbow and not hurt your teeth. You know what I'm saying? I've never heard of before. I have the touch. How's the body? You can bite her elbow and not hurt your teeth. You understand what I'm saying? I've never heard of before. And how's the body? You can bite her elbow, man. Yeah, you want to hurt your teeth? What? I'm very 19, 15, saying.

You can bite elbow and won't hurt your teeth. It's kind of a bigger girl. Not too big. She's homeless. She's not bigger than the state of Texas. She's just big enough that you can bite her elbow and won't hurt your teeth. She's homeless and I'm Kimt she uh... I would love for Kelly to just actually talk not the the the fucking ready whole what is that other accent you know like uh... don't do it

the the the the ever it come on now very disappointed all robber that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that Rob. We did it. My dick just cringed. Dude, my dick went inside. Yeah, like people. Snapshot. My dick is ending me right now.

And she doesn't tell. Oh, god, please. Did you feel like you're in trouble? Anyways, she, uh, oh. I just, you know, just a million shitty female alternative comic sets run through my head when I hear that voice. Bobby, now. Do it again. Bobby now do it again. Bobby come on now.

It's African American. Come on. Someone that just like schooling you on the other side. Oh, God. I hate you. But I love you. I love her. She's actually, she's definitely wifeing material.

What I mean that is she's good looking. She's very pretty girl, but she's not too pretty. You don't have to worry about her. Yeah, like she's got a little pimple right there. Out of the worst skin. Yeah, great skin, beautiful skin. You don't have, let me, I've dated girls with bad skin. Like as I'm fucking them, there's blood on my cheek.

Whoa, zits popping as we're fucking. It's got horrific stories about women. She's back of their arm feels like sandpaper Yeah, the pillow looks like you just threw a fucking octopus on it Mmm What does that mean? Don't know, I just want to say the word octopus That's a real thing, I don't even know

Anyways, anyways, we got, when we did the podcast I don't know how we got off on that We did the podcast a long time ago, me and Ryan, before anybody, before Joe, before you, before you, me and you did it. Right, we did it. You can go listen to it, like I want to say, I don't have the exact sense.

If you're a fan, I really did get regulars. Oh my God. I, and you, It's funny, you jammed with, you were like Ryan was in the garage band stage of it and now you're on tour and like Yeah, this is like Elton John bring it back that guy that wrote some of his songs And then he went and became famous and now these fucking he's just an old fat queen. He's bringing him back

It's probably rockin' in Germany. Yeah, it's so much fun. Let's do a little shits and giggles podcast. Remember what it is? It feels good. It feels good. It's good. Anyways, here's the deal. We did it in a hotel room. We did the tour in Canada.

If you want to listen to it, you just go back. Go to Ryecast. You can go back. Way back. How if I were going back? Way back to the vaults. You know what? You can hear some of the classic downloads like Robert

with Colin Quinn on his phone. I don't know what you're doing. So we I don't like after therapy dad is on fire. That's because I got all the shit out of me. I was just an hour and a half ago. I was just crying like a child It's like it's all empty We're gonna get to that. We're gonna get we get a couple things today We're gonna get to we're gonna get to Dan actually was in Chicago with me this week She can't get a no he had a fucking ghost incident. We're not gonna play it on this. Where was it here? What you just said we're in Chicago. Oh, I was in Chicago. You had a ghost. Oh Sorry Was it here? You just said we're in Chicago. Oh, I was in Chicago, you had a ghost. Oh, I'm sorry. I had your headphones on.

Yeah, I just, I just, I, I just, I, I just, I, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, You're not a radio hall. Nobody here is fucking you. Yeah. It's no way... I think he could ever be a radio hall. Yeah, because you just want to eat a donut, no. It's your host's bloody. Oh, God.

Me! I'll keep it in. I don't know. I don't want to think about that. This is what fuck me. Here's what fucks me up about that we, that she's, because now I think about Kelly's asshole, what it looks like.

And I can't think of a pretty long. I just think of it like being like fucking Australian, Italian, white and dark and then hair and little greasy hairs and then blood. That's how I deflect, I deflected me in a way. Yeah, you're really fucking good. You get some repellent. Yeah, it's called you.

I think it looks like a, I think it would look like if you like shot Sasquatch and was on. And be like, like Harry and the Henderson, when he got her, her asshole looks like a really, when Harry from Harry and the Henderson's got her. Also looks like a really, really bad pinch proof on the inside of your arm. It looks all right. It's more of and the Anderson Scott. Her asshole looks like a really, really bad pinch-proof on the inside of your arm.

No, it looks alright. It's more of just the pain inside. So anyways. Sorry Ryan. I'm sorry. Let's get on. I don't want to talk about Kelly's asshole. We've done that.

Kelly's asshole, she you're better, right? It's the gift that keeps on giving. Good. Kelly's good. She's good. That's good. You, you, my friend did it. So go back and listen to the podcast if you want to hear it. It was, I don't know how they are. I they were fun, but I like what we do now, like and and and it's different. It's a lot different than before, right?

Were you expecting this? No, this is this setup when I came in. I's overwhelmed. It's amazing. It's like a real show. Yeah. Thank you for the fans. Me and Kelly went and bought new stuff today with the fans donation So fucking keep donating guys. We're making this shit even better. We bought new stands. We got a couple other new things We got some headphones. Did anyone ever donate to get Joe back as money from the date with cash? Not one fucking penny Not one penny and I got a look and see if they donated for Kelly last week Yeah, was that what we said one day, the one day, what was it?

The one day, the greatest part when we had, Nate Lewis, the sniper did. That was in this week. That wasn't today. It was last Monday, last one. Which find out the date, whatever that is. Yeah. It's a calendar on there.

And then find, oh, your phone. And we're going to find out how many people donated to you today on that day. So find out that is. How long does it still in? You know what dude history? But dude, I mean, it's funny because you, we did that torn Canada.

We were on the road for a month together. And I met him on the boat ride. And he's, you know, people told me about you, like oh, he's a Mormon, I'm like oh God, we're in trouble. Because, you know, I'm fucked. I'm just a piece of shit. I swear I fucking I bitch I moan I complain I'm fucking angry. I get I have anger issues

You know I eat and we go along swimmingly. Oh, he loved me. He was my yin to my yang. It was great We have fun. Oh, we were like boy. We were boyfriend and girlfriend And I don't need to tell you who was the bottom of the Bobby's power bomb Yeah, but it's called moments always on bottom. I Learned about right? He was my third wife I learned about um Ryan through Joe list. Oh really? Yeah, Joe list we hung out a couple times, but then Joe lists were just Joe List. Oh really?

Yeah, Joe List. We hung out a couple times, but then Joe List would just, you know how he eyes the best. He's the best thing ever. I love Joe. Joe List is the best thing ever. No, Joe would say Ryan's the best thing ever

and he was right. Oh Ryan is a fucking group. He's so great. He's so great, it makes you fucking think. Makes me think that he's got body something. Yeah, he's got something. That's the thing. Like he loves finger fucking his ass so when he does that.

Like it's just his little thing. What do you do? I wanna know, look at me Ryan. Look at me with that beautiful smile. What are we gonna talk about? If you ever have the comedy seller, you wanna see, you wanna know Ryan is, you don't need to look at the names.

Just look for the best smile in any photo. And it's got the smile that try to think bad thoughts, like dead babies and in the Holocaust. And then all of a sudden you'll see his thing and you'll smile, it doesn't matter what you're thinking about. You know, Kelly's asshole, you'll just not to smile. I immediately smile when I see him. Oh, it's him.

Yeah, absolutely. If I see it at the table at the cellar and I said, that's good, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, he's a nice kid, but there's got to be something. There's got to be something, dude. I got to believe, nothing makes me feel better. When I find out somebody who I like or really admire

is a piece of shit. When I found out Colin Quinn takes naps during the day like depression naps, it made me feel good. I know you do. You should. So should I. But when you think of somebody who has their own show and has a thing on Broadway,

you think they're just up and eight, and you wear blah, blah, blah. And then they go to bed. They go to bluetooth and all the time. Now, of course, yeah, well, I mean, what can you do in a hotel? That's why you love Louis, because you know, you just see the show.

That's his life just eating ice cream under a table. Just a fat Mexican. You know, it makes you feel good fat Mexican. You know what I mean? It's just feel good. I need to know what you do. What shitty secret. Tell me a secret. Tell me your secret.

You have a secret. Do you sneak like do you sneak Pepsi's? Do you have like hoax? I don't even know. Do you have a secret? Sure, you know there's a lot. I'm depressed sometimes. I'm not always happy.

What is your secret? What? You don't believe in God anymore, do you? He's a poser, he's a Mormon poser. Do you like black women? That would make you happy. No, really. No, is there black Mormons? Sure, yeah.

Really? And would you, I would date one. Would you have a date would date one what every Would you have a data black girl sure sure? Yeah, see just sure. It's just sure Sure, have you ever dated a black girl? I've been on some dates with blood. I'm never like dated. Are you dating somebody now? No? So really do you have a big cock? Yeah, what size you deck? Ryan what size is nothing look at me and wink robber be inches See but I can't I can't you just start going He did though he shuts me down, you know, I have to listen. I was in process something right

It's like Jerry Seinfeld and my grandma yelling at me at the same time. You know, it's weird to see Ryan Ryan has something that a lot of Comedians have he has willpower. Oh No, he has willpower. No, he has a religion. He has sacrifice, he has belief. Yeah. And something other than himself. He's got a self-inducency shit. That's seriously, that's what it is.

He willpower comes from his belief. The strength to be able to do make decisions that are hard to make come from his belief in something other than himself. In the Lord and Savioribier Jesus Christ. They don't believe in Jesus Christ. Damn. They die? I don't.

Which version do you believe in? Doesn't he have like one of those half shirts? The best one says, like using 80s fucking college football player. That's the one. Yeah. Hey, what's up? I'm Jesus. Jesus.

Cool Jesus. Yeah. It's got a head speak up. You know, I'm like Madonna. I'm gonna talk to you today. Cool. What's Jesus do you believe in the same one? Everyone? Mine? What's your G's mind? You're just posting Jesus the shrap. Fuck you. Don't fucking up on the cross. I am the shrap. Fuck you, dude. Fucking up on the cross.

Fuck off. Dude, you're fucking, dude, you got two of my fucking bodies at Christ last week. You're storing them in the room for your mouth, you clock, suck up. Fuck you, oh, four, six, seven, eight. You got me. Then how we tend you fucking douchebag.

That's the body of Christ. I'm from fucking Samovill. Fuck you, I wasn't born in Jerusalem. Me and my friend used to take the body of Christ and leave it in the roof of a mouth and try not to wet it. So we'd take it out and save it and eat it later. What does that even do?

I don't know, we just wanted to do it. When you really needed Christ on the go. We just know we needed like a little cracker. I need to pick up. Sometimes we go up, we let a dog into church wants just to see it run around. That's funny. It was just going, Rrrrr would look up, he'd be like,

and Jesus said, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, believe in Jesus Christ. I don't believe, I don't, I don't not believe that Jesus, I believe Jesus existed. I believe he preached and he was a beautiful preacher. I don't believe that he walked on water. Okay, okay, here's another thing too. I found out Jesus had a bad time. Jesus, and there's a fucking Bible on it. Jesus.

Yes, yes. I know, it's called the Bible. Oh, I'm talking a fucking Bible on it. Jesus. Yes. Yes. I know that it's called the Bible. I was talking about this the other day. Jesus had a bad period when he was a kid, when he was a boy and he found out his powers. They never talk about Jesus, they talk about baby Jesus, and then he's 38.

Yeah, 34, 33, right? Yeah, all of a sudden he's got a fucking beard and mustache and abs, right? And then they never talk about the young Jesus. There's a Bible or a gospel, I think, somebody where he finds out he, and he was actually a little mean, little fucked up, did some weird shit, put a push the kid off a roof

and killed him. What? Brought him back to life. No. Swear to God. Is this a good song? I don't know, I'll be like that. Breach here.

I think I know what you're talking about. I like Bobby's making up stories about you in one of the songs. Swear to God. I don't know about that. Breach here. I think I know what you're talking about. I like Bobby's making up stories about you in one swear to God. I am not getting you. What do you think I'm talking about? I'll Google it right now. Google this shit. I think you're talking about the cool I look I'm no scholar. Everybody comes to me at these podcasts and they're like,

okay, define religion. Ryan. I want you to find the vagina. I'm really not an expert on that what did you think it was the I think you're talking about a there's a group of books called the apocrypha is what it's called which is like what the apocrypha I believe is what it's called yeah what the fuck are we doing I don't know what's going on pretty sure that's not it

no that one dude here's it there. When the new Chrome, okay, keeps up all your bookmarks. So if you have to shut the bookmarks, if you just shut the Chrome off and you turn your computer on on the plane, whatever you were looking at, when you shut the Chrome browser up, flops back up, not good.

Not good when you're talking to this really nice lady who's Immediately, right? You're a nice boy and then a fucking How is that your computer? Do you get the internet on your computer? Yeah, it's called Google Chrome Does that man have tips? Oh, is that man have tips? Why is that man doing that? Why does that man have big boobs? He looks like a pretty lady on the top.

Anyways, there was this actual, there's Jesus fucked up. Yeah, I think you're talking about something called the Apocrypha, which is a group of books. The Bible has been edited and revamped over and over and over again. And there's a group of books that were left out of the Bible that most people read now, which is the King James version. Is this how like every Dan Brown novel starts? There are multiple books left out of the Bible. I'm laughing and I don't because I don't know who damn brown is. I would like this.

You should be the shitty thing where you look at your phone. But here's the best part about me is I'll let you know I'm a piece of shit. I really went, I want to be part of this. And I don't know who damn brown is, but now I do. I actually have his book on tape, The Vinci Code. So Ryan, the Bible. Ah! So, you know, I look, I don't know.

I think that's what you're talking about, but I'm not real familiar with it. I don't know if Jesus pushed a kid off a roof. It sounds like M'Kolelick Hulken from The Good Son. Wow, what a great movie. Co-starring Elijah Wood. Oh, I forgot about that. I forgot about that film.

Look, I don't know what it is. I fucked up and Kelly can't find it. Because I hear a little fucking fingers tapping away. I had to turn down the mic. I googled it, but all the shim-hill point flopped up for some reason. And I didn't know what to do. I panicked because it was on the computer.

And you were like, that's not it. And I was like, fuck, of course it's not it. I don't want to to do. I panicked because it was on it was on the computer and you were like that's not it And I was like fuck of course is not it. I don't want to fucking take you to hell because you got a glimpse of my browser I don't know how your god works again You look at it. I saw you look at it. You even listened you listened my son. Um, Jesus What would I Google what was Jesus push it off a roof? Jesus, what would I Google? What was Jesus push it up a roof? A apocrypha. Jesus, just a prop.

I tried to mean that, but I couldn't tell it. Pushes APOs. I love how he dumped it down. Why PHA. AP. APO. Jesus pushes kid off a roof. Yeah, it's called infancy.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. Here it is. It's the infancy gospel of Thomas. Okay. Infancy gospel of Thomas that he pushed the kid off the roof, brought him back to life and said, I didn't do, they all, the town were like,

what did you do? And he was like, look, I didn't do it. And the kid was like, no, Lord, you didn't do that. You know, and then he was learning how what his, it was, he, learning about his powers and then all of a sudden, learning what his job and life was to help people. So in order to get there, he had to figure it out.

And then he finally was like, oh, okay, I'm gonna help people. I'm gonna take this grain and make it more, like his father, Joseph, or not his father father God was his father. Sorry, right? Sorry your eyes go up like a muppet like an old lady when she used to word content a comedy show He was cutting wood because he was a carpenter. He fucked up cut the board wrong Jesus just said hey and made the board longer That's in this book, the Gospel of Thomas.

And it's interesting to me because you never hear about Jesus, it's just a baby, got a bunch of gifts, and then 33 year old bearded dude walking on water. In the middle, he fucked up, it's good to know that he fucked up a little bit. Yeah, I got one here where he accidentally killed a kid. Yeah. Because some kid runs by, bumps him on the shoulder.

Jesus tells him that he will go no further and then the kid drops dead. Yeah. Yeah, like there's a bunch of things that the kid Jesus fucking killed. Little late. Do you think the little boy in Twilight's over went to Freightup?

Yeah, like, hi, Jesus. Everyone's happy. Everyone's happy. Everyone's happy, Jesus. I met that into a Simpsons toilet, wasn't it? They peridate. Peridate. So you, I mean, it's, it's, that you believe in Jesus Christ.

I believe that Jesus existed, but I'm more a spiritual guy. Kelly believes the boomerang comes back to us. There it is. Great, great. Yeah, all right. One-sus-savvy. What are you doing, Kelly? You're really the guy? What do you believe. Yeah, alright. One sauce spare. More. What are you doing?

Are you really the guy? What do you believe? I was brought up strict Catholic. Strict Catholic. Really? So you're still a Catholic? I know, I don't go to church anymore. I've been going to church because every time I went to church it was because someone died.

It's just depressing, so I stopped. You don't need to go to church when someone dies. You're a gang? It's just funerals and stuff, know what I mean? We have a man, you got a church when someone dies. A gang? Like a funeral and stuff and I was like, I'm done. I'm gonna be able to do that. A village trying fighting for rights. Everyone needs a huge mix. Nexuist wanted all of us to support.

So we had to go out and push. What are you believing, Dad? I believe in whatever you want me to believe. So I'm for the man. I'm agnostic. I believe in God. I don't believe in our religion. What. I'm agnostic. I believe in God. I don't believe in religion. What does a word agnostic mean?

It means that you believe in a higher power, but not a specific religion. It means it's like you don't know. It's like AA. It's a very corporate damn thing to do. It really is, I, here's the thing. I did that when I got sober, I did that. I would pray every night.

Is that it is? Every day, every night. When I woke up and when I went to bed, I would get on my knees. Is and pray and hang on that fuck face Yeah, every yeah, and I would do the same thing is that I would just pray to something other than me Is my point yeah because if you believe that's what my going back to the point I know I'm trying to sound intelligent. I'm really not. I'm just trying to figure this shit out I'm not trying to figure this shit out. I'm not trying to make

my going back to my original point. Welcome to the 800 Club with Robert Kelly. 800 pound club. Thank you. You're really got yourself good. I'll tell you this, if I were to pick a religion, I would go Judaism. Why? Because I'm like one of those white kids that wants to be black. I'm like, I'm a boy that wants to be a Jew. Yeah? Yeah, that'd be great to have a grandmother and stuff. What are you doing?

Just that constant. You know, great it would be, I'll tell you why, because he wants to fucking progress in this business. Poor Brit Day! Oh, Shalom! Shalom! Because he wants to put a Yamagura on the back of that flat head. What? It's the most hot...

Most hot... It's fit like Yamagura's. Yeah. So it was pretty good. Exactly what his hair looks like. His Yamaka hair. I really do. If you look at my hair.

Ah! Baruchat! I'm not a heno, mella kalal. Hi, flat me tell you a bit is hot outside. Hi, I am sweaty. Oh my God, you're really hot. Yomokahead. You have crazy hair too.

Yeah, I can lately I do. Oh my God. You have summer. You have D.Y. That is a D.I. hair. When someone gets a D.I. at three in the morning and they fuck into their picture. That was my mother.

Yeah. Yeah. I get nothing. I should have done that. I tapped out. I tapped the fuck out. Because I never wanted video of that. Bobby's depression is bought to my head blade.

Here's a deal. When my hair, you know my hair. I had beautiful hair. Gorgeous. I used to have, when my hair, you know my hair. I have beautiful hair. Gorgeous. I used to, at the end, when it started going, I used to have to make it. So I used to have to take hair from the back here and push it up here, then take hair over here,

push it up and spray it and make it, and it would look great. But if I wanted a fucking a chick, if I wanted a raining out or something, I'd be holding this shit up. I might like like I'd be like Like holding this shit up and the next day would just be like up here Fuck you. Just like a fraggle just fucking Look at me. Let me girls. We're like who did fuck? Who are you? I won't go like this

I woke up next to me. I was like hey, she's like oh And that girl's name's don't Are you? I won't go like this. Ah! I woke up next and I was like, hey, she was like, ah! That's so cool. And that girl's name's Dom. Ha! Anyways, so yeah dude, we are. So I'm moving on from religion. I just wanted to get that out there that the infancy gospel of Thomas was weird.

Yeah. And you believe in a different Jesus. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I believe in Jesus. Yeah. You don't find it Yeah, I mean, I believe in Jesus. Yeah. You don't find it hard to be good in this business. Sure, I think everybody does though, don't you? I mean, I don't think that has anything to do with religion.

Do you think it's a bet is bet you're better off because you have something you believe in that keeps you Grounded I say or yeah, it helps me. I mean, I think that's part of the reason I believe it because I I think about how much it helped me really. Yeah or yeah, it helps me. I mean, I think that's part of the reason I believe it because I I think about how much it helped me really yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, do you think it helps you in the tougher times? You think it's it's really good to be there and like yeah sure I mean everything's not easy and it's always it's somethings are tough and sometimes it's really hard to have beliefs like that And you go I got to do this or this but not feel pressure weird ways, but overall I think it helps me. Do you think it, does it hard to have such juicy lips? Is that hard?

That's the easiest part of my life. And being a Mormon, having those fucking juicy lips. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So anyways dude, how old are you bro? Oh, 35. Can you count, how many, 35? Can you count on one hand on many chicks you've banged?

I'm not talking about this, I'm sorry Robert. Okay. I just died throughout there. That's cool. It's so funny. He's older than me and he looks three years younger. Well because he's never had a simple booze. Well he's, he's never.

Yeah, he's a fucking, he's a healthy human being. Yeah. Yeah. Well you look young too, dad. But here's the thing, it's like, you's a fucking, he's a healthy human being. Yeah, yeah. Well, you look young too, Dan. But here's the thing, it's like, you're a lifestyle. It's, it, we hung out for a month and it didn't impede on my shit at all. Like, he is, you're such a nice guy,

but you're such a regular guy and you don't judge. That's the fucking key. Not one time, did he ever come down on me and not one of them did go. Hold on to your face, bro. No, it's not gonna on me and not one of them did you go. Well, that's your face. No, it's like you know. I'm pretty little. I love what you just said. I'm just kidding.

You had to be sad at the end of it. Just like I'm just kidding, guys. I'm just kidding. Now, we had Dan was in Chicago this weekend with me. He just showed, I forgot you're going to be there. I was in Chicago this weekend with me. He just showed I forgot you're gonna be there I was in Chicago to brand new club called up gorgeous gorgeous room one of my favorite places ever But you should play there have you guy called them. I'm going to Chicago later this year to wear for a Zane's I'm doing a different club. So I know I know club it is I don't know. It's right next door

Oh, so I can't do this Zany's let's put it this way They use light bulbs for their sign Now a Zany's is fine. We'll see. I don't know. I've never been to Chicago. I've never worked in Chicago. I've a bulletproof vest Hey, you should maybe you should believe in Jesus a little more Can't go is gonna change you now it can't go. You're gonna change you. Now, it's right next door, but up is brand new. It's at Second City upstairs.

It's on the up, up from Second City. But it's like a theater, but the crowds are fucking amazing. All the crowds were just, and it just opened. And like, a lot of, when a fan showed up, a lot of, a lot of you know what, dude fans. That was awesome. And yeah, the Lotto, when A Fan showed up, a lot of you know what, dude, fans. That was awesome. And yeah, Dan was there. He came down, uh, one I'm doing a guest pot, um, and he fucking killed it.

Of course, he goes up and fucking levels it. This cock sucker. Just never, never seen him ever. I'm never seen him ever. Never seen him ever. Never seen him ever. I know. I bombed last night.

Where? At a bar show in Astoria, Queens. Come back, dude. Okay. You're still going to bomb there. You're still down there. I know I bomb last night where at a bar show and a story of Queens Come back dude, okay, you're still the bomb there. Yeah, I still count it You probably bum because there's like full people in the audience that would try to eat dinner and ambushed There's no spot. What were you doing under a fucking lamp? You're just in the corner I said it looked like we were running an auction for sex slaves There's a black lights in this good sea. Yeah, well nobody's gonna fucking buy you stuff. No was there. He was on the same show. Did he do good?

I texted me and said hey got it just turned pure chaotic I think the Spanish guys came in and started just fucking up like they took the my chingolings They took a microwave from one of the comics Really? They kicked them out and then the show just ended. They took the microwave What a fucking degrading. They do that. I wouldn't have probably seen that. That's a shit on me.

That's happened to a friend of mine and she started crying and stuff. And I was like, I never wanted to have a day. See, that's the option women have that bugs me is that they literally just start crying at that point. We have to fight. We have to fight a flight. We have to pick one.

We have to be. Great to be if you started crying. Well, here's the thing is that, I mean, if we want to go into this now it's I want to talk about that I want cuz you're going to therapy, but yeah, I go to therapy I go to the same therapist now he goes to my I know yeah, my guy. He's a great guy He's fucking unbelievable and he works on a scale so you know You know if you you can pay this much you pay that much if you can't you can't and he's but he's unfuck unbelievable

But he got me to cry. He's the one who opened up my, my vow. He cracked me open quick. Yeah, but you know what, dude? Cracking you open, I could have done that. Well, you're like, yeah, you're like a thin coconut. You could have done with them. If you know where to hit, like, you know those guys

that have the little, just know where to hit it. And it just pops off. I think that is a very, I'm just trying to make a cry now. I'm just trying to make a great shot. I'm just trying to make a great shot. And I think it's a cold beer cold good fight. Well, let's get out. I think that what you're trying to say is...

...and don't have a tough show. I don't know, guys. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. It's good. Well, what happened? He, you know, because I have all this anger.

I fucking, I get angry because I have all this anger. I fucking, I get angry. I have anger issues. I know, I've never really seen you that way. But you've never seen me that way because you're not an asshole. Seriously, it's not. My anger doesn't come out. Use it for good.

I know. There's a movie coming out. I forget the name of it where this guy finds out he's dying. And then he just says fuck it Fucking great. It's called an American. Yeah, what is it American? It's coming out and it's coming at the American American okay, it's coming out in May he Girl fucking Google it. Oh, yeah, she's just sitting there going other we said box is in talking to me Magic we said box telling me everything

I hooked her up with a fucking magic box in front of her and I gotta keep telling her jazz Google it She's like I'm just so excited I got this weird wizard box and I don't see it He's amazing, maybe, maybe Is it maybe? I'm scared Are you pregnant? Am I?

God I hope not Oh, let me tell you the but just say there, but there's that means that something could make her think that she's fucking gone. Nah, let me just say that somebody's gizzin' her. No, no, no. She's hoping it's dying. I'm gonna roll dog. You never go raw dog.

No. Really? You never go raw. Ever. Not even like a slug in a couple poems. If we're like, you know, if we're seriously doing something. Look at me. I'm looking at you.

I'm looking at you. Yeah, I'm looking at you. I'm your father right now. I know. I need to look at you. Look at me. Look at me. I'm looking at you. Look at me. I'm looking at you. I'm your father right now. I want you to look at me. Look at me. You've never let him put it in just one pop in one pop. Look at you. A couple of lines. A couple of points. You're lying. You know why? Bobby, I'm telling you the truth. Look at me. I'm telling you the truth right now. The guy that's hanging around now. Has never put his dick in me without a condom. I would listen, listen. I'm telling you. Look at me. She's learning. Don't look away.

Don't put your hands on your hips. Don't wiggle. In the last, since you've been to America, you look at me. Don't look out of America. You changed the question though. Of course I am. No, no, no, no, no.

This is my original question. Since you've been to America, have you let a guy pop his little helmet in? Just a little bit. Twice. Twice. But I got tested for stuff when I pop his little helmet in? Just a little bit. Twice. Twice. Yeah, but I got tested for stuff when I went back to Australia in January and I'm fine. Yeah, but what other tests? So since you've been tested, you've caught water in a tail.

You're dropping a hole, you can go on. Nope, there's no warives. I'm going to take my finger, run it in my diodorant, and if it burns you pussy and you scream, you've got something. I can't even do an accent. I'm going to snap these sticks. If the rock sounds bigger than a lift, you've got something. I can't even do an accent. I'm gonna snap these skin. If the rock side's bigger than the lift, you have to flip it.

You see? I'm gonna flip it. You're a doctor, you're an Australian, you're gonna flip it. Yeah, I'm gonna flip the skin down, down in the room. If he comes and sits at your feet, you're not happy.

Oh, God. America, the beautiful. America, the beautiful. This guy, what this movie's about, this guy finds out he's a fucking guy, he says, fuck it. And he doesn't just go kill anybody. He just kills mean rude assholes. People who, and he gives you a shot.

Like, he's just like, hey, maybe you should say thank you. I don't fuck it and then just kills that's great I think it was the murder they show in the previews him killing one of those girls from the sweet 16 Do you know how many girls when I'm at with my wife and we're trying to have a nice dinner and then that table of Young rich cons for sex in the city fucking twats But they taught they don't have restaurant voice. They're just like, yeah, so anyways,

we were going, everybody else is like, hey, yeah, it's good to know. Oh, so I like this. Yeah, how's the bread? And they're like, well, oh my God, last night, he was such an asshole. Do you want bread? I want bread.

Excuse me. Can we get more bread? I'm gonna do bread. Are you gonna do bread? I like bread. I can't eat bread. I'm not eating anything. I just want to swear.

I'm gonna slap later. I'm gonna slap later. I'm gonna slap. I'm gonna slap. I'm gonna bread. I'm not eating anything. I just got a Wrap later. Oh my god. I'm fucking y'all I'm at a block eye there. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm at a guy. That's right. I'm at the Mormon the Mormon The boy my guy. You're getting to the page right? Listen I was like waiting on those cons. Yeah, yeah, but imagine if you could kill him Imagine if you find I would I would if you get a die would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would I would? And then it stopped. I don't even stop. I just, no, no, no, no, no. I think I'm gonna do it, my great. You went in for a dinner on the rack. Hi, would you like guacamole?

Yeah. Kelly, you still, you still way to him? Yeah, I had a six, I had a six top on the other day, and they just, and you walk over, and they don't acknowledge you. Bang, what are tables banged together? No, no, no, it was six girls. I had a bang together. But like, and they just...

Hang on, hang on a second, one second. This is, this is way to talk to you. We know your religion takes care of you All the age of nine and then they they actually give you money until I was a valet for years. You are a valet I didn't wait tables the print like a valet the print that we get shit in here Talk about the six times. Yeah But they don't but they don't stop when you walk over and I get really frustrated because I'm busy It's a busy place. I just walk away and stop when you walk over. And I get really frustrated because I'm busy.

It's a busy place. So I just walk away. And they're like, excuse me, I need some water. I'm like, I put six glasses down. There's six of you. How could you need more glasses of water? And then at the end, at the end, it was a big check. And I see them all get their fucking phones out,

dividing the fucking check. And I'm like, you, and I just hear the word, 13%. Is that 13? We'll do 13% and I'm like, you pay, and I just hear the word, 30% is at 13, we'll do 13% and I'm like, oh, fucking, snap your neck, you dumb bitch. Oh, it's the worst. 13% is a fucking good tip. She didn't do anything.

Can I just throw this? I work in a Italian restaurant in the Italian part of Boston and my boss was this old Italian lady with like teeth missing on the side, cotton candy hair. Me and my friend Aldo Benio, who's a very funny comedian in LA, worked at the same time, was me and him doing the day shift. And this place we get jammed. But my boss would sit there and scratch tickets in the corner.

She'd, at one table was for a shitty bread. And like, her teeth were going to come out of she chewed too hard And she'd drink black coffee and smoke cigarettes at the table and she'd scratch tickets and there'd be a line of people It was the best because she was always on your side. It's I remember people grabbed me Excuse me. Don't have a fucking touch me. Excuse me. Can I grab more bread? Don't fucking touch me and I mean because of where we were and the place was kind of mobbed out, that we could, you know, these yuppies would come in because it was a cheap meal,

five dollars for an Italian buffet, but amazing food. You can get all five dishes or two dishes or three dishes, whatever combination you wanted. It was packed for two and a half hours, jam packed, good money. And she would, they'd be like, I wanna see the manager. We'd be like, are you sure? Yes, are you sure?

And we'd be like, all right, flow. And all of a sudden you just see it. What? She's scratching tickets. And she'd be like, they wanna see you. What the fuck do they want? A free meal? Fuck yeah.

The restaurants are size of my house too, by the way. So every table would just stop talking. Yeah, I was great I was funny. We were so corporate that they'd be like do you offend them? What did you say to them? Yeah? Yeah, you were placed I had a woman tell me to shut up the other day I was reading out the specials and she's like I'm a regular and then like stop me readers But I went okay, I won't go through my spillage guys. You need to just shut up I went through my spillage, you need to just shut up. Whoa!

That's where the God, and I went, and I went, my whole body went really, really hot, went really, really hot, my whole body, and I just looked out the window and went, what do I do now? How weird of a time. What do I do? Yeah, I was like, what do I do?

I don't know what to say this. I had got two Christmases ago, it was about three days before Christmas, he brought his parents and his family, and he did a couple small kids, I don't know if I've told the story before, but he fucking busted my balls because I charged his kids for drinks, for sodas, and he's like bunch of couple small kids. I don't know if I've told the story before, but he fucking busted my balls because I charged his kids for drinks for sodas. And he's like, bring me the kids menu.

Bring me the kids menu. And I'm like, is there a problem, sir? And he's like, I don't know, just says here on the kids menu that kids drink soft drinks for free. And I was like, that's my mistake, I'll take it off. He goes, no, no, no, no, no. Why don't you know the menu? Why don't you know the menu?

I'm like, I did, I did know the menu, but I just, you know, it was a brain fart and I just screwed up. And he's like, no, no, no, why don't you know the menu? I did I did I did know the menu but I just you know as a brain fart and I just screwed up he's like no no why don't you know the menu and I was like all right man and I started getting that feeling like hot yeah where you're just like you mother fucker it's Christmas fucking I mean it's what you do right I mean if I was a waiter this is the thing with me is like I see a guy like you you don't have a temper I've never seen you have a temper. Oh, I get upset, I have. I said, I get upset. You watch me. I get upset. God darn it, I want to know.

I want to know what the fuck is. Well, what was the last time you got mad and actually act it out and did something? Be funny if you just slap me the things. Get off my back, Kelly. Right here, you fat fucking goat. Right here. Right here.

Right here, just grab Kelly by the hair, and drag the downstairs. This Aboriginal whore, I'm like, what are you talking about, Ryan? This is mine now. I'm not talking to her, I'm talking to her. I'm talking to you, you voice, you voice constant. Yeah, you fucking lanky constant.

I'm not fucking Ryan. Who played? Ryan, what was lanky guns. Oh, fuck Ryan's name. Who played? Ryan, what was the last time? I mean, I don't yell at people very often. What was the last time you yelled at somebody? I don't know. Really? Yeah, I can't think of it.

Wow, what an amazing life. When's the last time you punched? Have you ever punched a wall? Punched a wall? Yeah. What for? I know I have. I just see Ryan punching the wall that apologizes into the wall.

Listen, I'm really strong. I'm back. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna never do that again. You know what? I'm gonna work extra hard to put this wall on. Looks better.

I'm gonna make it new wall. Well, I'm just really sorry. Seriously, what was the last time you actually got mad? I'm trying to think. First of all, this is not a bad thing. This is a beautiful thing Which is gonna bring us into this therapy thing anger? No, it's not anger is fucking hurt feelings Anger is hurt feelings anger is rage and fear and all this fucked up shit That's all it is. That's what I learned from Alan is I would get so mad at people I would get so mad at my wife

I Would just fucking punch walls and slam shit Don't look at Jason don't don't would fight me Don't you boss. Yeah, don't don't you know she came at me one day. I threw you ever hear that joke I have about chicken yeah I threw chicken at the wall we got no fight and I had raw chicken in my hand. And I went to throw it against the wall. It was like, fuck chicken.

Now we're not having fucking chicken. You fucking happy bitch. But the chicken slipped and slapped her in the face. Oh. But it landed perfectly on her face and slapped her and then slid down her face and don hate raw chicken. Fuckin' scavats as it. She went, she went. slapped her and then slid down her face and don't hate your outchicken. Fuckin' scovatsu's it.

She went, she went, I saw her hands ball up, she went, you motherfucker. But she was rage laughing like, you motherfucker, came at me, I had to put all my weight on her, hold her down. And she's like, she's going, get off me, kid. She called me kid. Wow, not joking, you're a kid. Get the fuck off me laughing.

Wow. Laughing rage. Oh, it's so crazy. Okay, get the fuck off this deal. It's my way. You can't. I don't fuck with all like that. But I would slam shit and blah, blah, blah. I remember one time I slammed the counter, the cabinets. Yeah what the fuck do I gotta do? And I slammed it. The other side was a wine rack with four bottles of wine. Glasses her father gave her wine glasses.

And he just went, kunk, kunk, and smashed. The loudest, scariest smash sound, wine. And all you hear is, my father's glasses. Immediately. I can do it right now. I can cry right now. Because I was like, I tried to clean it up. She's like, I'll do it.

I don't want you to touch it. You ruined everything. Shit. But that, it's this rage is, that's what I had that joke of my act. I don't even,. She's start doing it Where he told me goes I go you know, why do you he's like why do you get so mad at you don't so rage I'm because she's an asshole. He's like no, she hurt your feelings. She's like that's all it is is anger And this is a fact right?

Anger is hurt you just got hurt This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact.

This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact.

This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. This is a fact. Hey, yeah, so fucking funny. If you did it at the seller at the table, you're getting your balls. Guys, that hurts. He said, he said, you just say you hurt my family.

I was like, dude, I don't know if I can do that. I don't know. I said, I had my act, I go, I feel more comfortable blowing an astronaut in the space outfit. As you wrote, help me backwards in the fog. It's just awful. It's just awful. And I, let's just say to somebody, you hurt me.

I mean, there's no, there's no, on the other end, there's no coming back from that. I ain't got a shit, sorry dude. Yeah, I mean, even if you're, imagine being in a bar fight, and to do like a fucky, what the fuck? What a fuckin' go? Dude. What a fuckin' go?

Dude, you know what? Fuck you. You know what? Fuck you man. You know what man? What? You hurt me. You know what? I just, I hurt me. You hurt my feelings.

You know what? I just, I've had a long week. My therapist never worked on that. I have a bad feeling. I feel like you're a beer. Yeah, exactly. Like you don't have that. I mean, I don't, I get angry but I don't, I don't yell very often.

I don't, I mean, I get angry at myself sometimes, which I don't think that's healthy either. Really? What do you mean you get angry? Why? I'll make a mistake, I'll do some dumb and I'll get really angry at myself. Like what? Like a flight? Yeah, I can miss a flight, I could make a bad decision.

I'd pay to see you get angry. I would love to see you get angry. I got angry at the airport once. Yeah. Just once. I don't know how long I've been. Yeah But then I pray never again What do you do though when you get angry like what do you what what are you search for like what What's your thing that makes you go all right? I'm cool now. I just need five minutes. I just can't do either like what is it?

Any dances I just I don't know I mean I just I Don't know if it's healthy, but it just kind of stays in there for a while and I walk away That's not how That's cool You know what's it on a deli owner? What? Oh, you're gonna get like stomach cans. I just bury it all in the hatchet I'll talk to you for it up. Yeah, it'll be the shape of Jesus's face

You know fucking automatically on his side I would be if I ever turned the corner of the Ryan was yelling at someone, what did that person do? Yeah, I was pressing the well. I, you know, you know, you know, you see comics, you know them, but you never see them. You say, hey, what's up? It's going, blah, blah, blah. That happened to me. I just, Al Lubell, who I don't know if you guys know he's a very funny. Yeah, I'm a very funny guy. Yeah, I'm a little crazy

Whatever, but I was suddenly I'm in the I'm in the rent the car place and they're like, oh shit here comes crazy I look at all the bells you know the big parking garage We gotta go up the big hill to get into in New York. He's coming up on his bike with a parker on big hat get into a New York, he's coming up on his bike with a parker on big hat bags. And it's like, oh shit, I didn't say anything. He sticks his head in the door. You know, you could fucking tell people that you're gonna fucking not have cars. If you make a fucking reservation, you should have a fucking car. That's bullshit. I need a car. Now what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

Whoa. And I'm literally inches away just looking at him. And he flips out, and she goes, sir, it's not my fault. He goes, I know it's not your fault. I know it's not your fault. I know it's not your fault. But you know, you should, and he looks over at me and he goes,

did you see that? What? Everything. Everything. I love it. I love it. Watching someone come on glue. And then he left, and he get the car. every Watching someone come on glue and then he left and get the car right after he left he go, okay We got a couple new cars. Here's your car Mr. Kelly. They got cars for everybody Wow, if you just kept this cool, he would have had a car right they got cars for everybody for Davis, but

But anyways dude, um, yeah, you're going to therapy now. Yeah. I want to go back, what the fuck did we go? Okay, we're gonna take a break real quick. But before we take a break, I want to go back to, you were in Chicago with me, and this was a fucking great thing, because you did this shit with me when there was hundreds of people listening. Yeah, right.

Just hundreds, now there's thousands. Yeah. 20 to 30,000 a week. It's great. Okay, and we did a show in Chicago. You popped in, did you set, and then this was the best part. After he's walking out to go sneak a cigarette, because this fucking cock suck is smoking again.

Yeah. Welcome back. Yeah, welcome back. You're not buying packs, but I am. You're even the worst. You're worse. Cause you're the scum guy. That's so do me.

That's so do me. Bobby, no, no, no. Well, fucking is a smoking. I bum my fucking fish. No, I'm bumming back. It's not a fish. It's a soda's revenge. Fuck that.

You took a cigarette off me. All those bombs I gave fucking cigarettes to. The guy in Hoboken. Can I have a cigarette? It's my last one. Can I have a drag? You heard him. No, I've never seen that I much emotion from him man after third

Ryan right now tell us that make you mad Kelly's gonna get mad Tell me What upset you Traffic he's making me upset now. He's gonna help me how he feels He's making me upset now. He's gonna tell me how he feels. That's what's happening. What makes you mad? I'm gonna pick traffic.

Wait me in the line. Traffic. Get back traffic. Wait, I'm gonna get back traffic. Wait, I'm gonna get back traffic. No, I'm gonna get back. Oh, Calder. I'm gonna get back. No, I'm gonna get back.

This is why women stink. This is why I can go this. I'll tell you why. This is why I can go this I'll tell you I'll give you real right I've got your face. This is why women stink because she has a heart You even Ryan doesn't have a heart, okay? He she felt bad for Ryan, but it's not making fun of Ryan What's wrong with you Look she just like that face I'm done. I'm done

I can't do it. When you If you don't have a daughter, I was abused. I was abused. Even don't have a daughter. She's gonna walk all over. I'm done. I'm done. This bitch just whacked her eye. But if that was the rowside, what a fucking we would have been screaming at each other. I would have been sitting here awkwardly staring at my shoes. One day I'll give you anger. I know. No, you don't. You'll see it. Yeah, don't fucking get that fucking selfie.

You don't get to give us your anger. Oh, one day you'll get my anger from Australia. You're lucky. It can shoot my anger over. Oh, my. Spurred. About to. So I'll just take a cigarette.

So you can sneak a cigarette. I'll be suddenly fucking, I just yell as I go you cock second where you going Yeah, you're gonna get fucking stoned dude Yeah, just yell that out. I go no, I'm not gonna get stoned and then Brought the fact I go I go everybody Dance on a monster voice everybody you know monster voice and how many fucking people were like what? There's a great guy we talked to after the show Yeah, he's a really good guy. Yeah, really nice guy and yeah, it was fun. You do voices

Well the crowd. Yeah, I went I went through I go give me this voice give me that voice I was like I go I go give me give me a Randy Majuman's average Give me a really much of a savage. Yeah, much more man. Give me fucking on with the giant. I don't want to. I don't want to. Anybody want to be a nut? Underbubble water.

We've got the four horses. There's a fun life. Indian men. And they were doing it in the end. For when the greed ball hit a cheese. That's for the sky to open. Bring rain to our clothes. And you did Fat Kelly. Did you really?

Oh, I did. Fat Kelly. Oh, I'm so funny. I'm so funny. Oh, I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny.

I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. I'm so funny. It was just good that the lot of fans of the podcast came to Chicago this week.

So I wanna thank those motherfuckers for coming out. And then was so the next night, fans had heard you were there. And they were all bummed out. They were like, what the fuck? Oh shit. We're gonna do another live, you know what dude podcast. Very soon.

So you better become really funny. Yeah. Or you gotta get real good at MC. Oh boy. Yeah, you gotta get your shit again and pump it up that crown. Yeah, because if we're gonna do a live show somewhere, you're gonna have to be on it. You have to do stand up.

Cause I host it. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, you better, you better fucking have some shit. I can handle that room. We're gonna have to do it in some fucking den. I'll bring the heat. The, the, the mug and the muffin. Yeah.

Off the fucking Grammarcy stop. You're gonna take the J.F. train. You're gonna take the G. You're gonna get off at Metropolitan. Go buy Anthony Bourdain's new restaurant. It's delicious. You're gonna go buy the place where crackheads used to fuck each other.

Go downstairs, seven flights. There's PBR on special for $1.50. Take the elevator, the one person elevator down three flights. The MC's name's Claudio. Yes. Make sure you five minutes. Get your drink ticket. It's an old subway token.

It's super retro. He usually closes on his thunder cats' roughings. Yeah. When he does that, he's super retro. He usually closes on his thunder cats roughly. When he does that. And please, please for the sake of the audience. No aggression. Ryan Hammond. I like it. How do you follow these fucking killers on the road, man?

I don't know. We were on the road together for a long time. Yeah, I guess you did follow me. No, you went up before me. But you had to go up after a guy, a fucking just one of those local killers. You're, I mean, look at... What's up with I-84? Let me take this. I mean, fuck. I can't laugh. If it jams that up, it's like, what am I fucking made of, fronky?

Oh my god, he knows our name. No, you are. It is the weird thing about to you is you are crystal clean, but you don't know it. You don't even think about it. The audience you mean? Yeah. Well, some comics you know, they're clean comics.

It's material. His material, it's like you don't know that he's not swearing or being dirty and neat or the only two comics that I, like I watch he and Nate and it just doesn't even, you don't even think great. Yeah. We don't even think, Nate's great. we don't even think Nate what Nate that's great I love Nate's great Nate's great Nate's great Nate's great but yeah Nate in you I really love watching you we did that a final four competition a couple years ago

oh that's right who won he did he should he's a fucking beast Nate yeah yeah he did well Nate won the whole competition but Ryan and I went against other than the elite eight Ryan beat me. Yeah, and he I was having more fun watching him Neutral that's neutral that's fucking Listen to you and really you you didn't want to beat this little fucking Absolutely, I want to be yeah, exactly to his face John Jones you but you beat me Yeah, and then when you said fun watching him after that you weren't going fuck He's not at all. I actually did not feel it at all. Yeah, you did no, I didn't you told me you did

No, I didn't you told me you don't like my friends Yes, I said I said yesterday. I said I refused I actually believe you about that competition because that competition we were all it was me Joe you Nate and we all the new that it was like this these are just yes Nate well, but I still wanted to Want to win I wanted the win against God I wanted to win and I never and then I want it next because you were an in it. I didn't do it again. But then I won it because you didn't jump in.

Well, I thought I'm not gonna go through the whole thing again. I just felt myself smiling at Ryan. You did, I look over it and I was like, I thought you were gonna say something. I can't tell you how, what a, when I see Ryan doesn't matter, what mood I'm in, he's just a nice guy.

There's certain people in your life, do you have, I say everybody should never Ryan. Everyone needs a Ryan in our life. Everybody needs a Ryan. Everybody needs a good person. Can we rent you out to some of the fans of this show that leave me for? 49.99, you get Ryan Hamilton for 90 minutes.

I blocked some guy last week. I blocked a lot of people last week. One guy I blocked, just a rude fucking email but didn't put the happy face, smiley face. You know that's my rule. You want to fucking say something about me joking. If you're joking, happy face, the smiley face, or I love your bob, so I know you're a fan.

You're not just a fucking scumbag. A lot of the people do it, they're not following you too. That's good, go find, you mean nothing to me. If you're not, if you're not even following me, and you're fucking say shit to me. If you're not, if you're not even following me and you're fucking say shit to me. Passionate robot killing. The man who master mates to making out to passion. This is so passionate.

Bobbie has the passion of a Latin. I am Roberto, Roberto Kili. And I want to make out to you. My phone, I'm missing my blender. My photo is on the wall, the comedy set. If you go to the cellar, go downstairs. You see the magic of Roberto Galey. Oh fuck!

Oh wow. This is so funny too. Oh fuck! Oh wow. This is so funny too. Here's, and this goes exactly against what this fuck said. I went, I read as a tweets, because I'll do that. I'll go read your other fucking tweets. You said about me or whatever. And I blocked them.

They sent me this big, long email. Big fan of the fucking show. Blah, blah, blah. I was just fucking around. Maybe I took it too far I hear you getting your balls busted from Norton on blah And I just want to be part of the fucking go Fuck yourself. Yeah me and no one a best friends

You don't get the fucking roll the dice and come in and just like wear pals and say fucking cancer punch my face if they walked into a room And I never met him. Yeah, it's a faggot. Yeah, all right I've actually done that I've done that I fucking choke dudes out of chose I've had guys come up to have show fucking did you and I grabbed him by the neck Fuck you fucking idiot. I'm just kidding. He'll fuck yourself man He's still need to have common well he I but and then I read his thing it goes. Yeah, I'm fucking yeah He fucking surrounds himself with less talented people so that he can I'm too fresh out of therapy I can't accept that wasn't you Dan what is it is like you I get smashed too on this

fucking broadcast you fucking call me a fucking fucking that fuck I believe it was I don't think he said that Kelly I think you just just wait to pop that one out Fuckin' that fuck I believe it was I don't think you said that Kelly. I think you just I think you just Wait to pop that one out There he is my turn Oh, I see she knows that's that's a really half-ass. I exactly you keep doing fucking voice. You know why? We're gonna take we're gonna take a break we'll be right back

Hey, you know what dude fans show you goddamn love right now You love the podcast. We'll prove it. Go to ridecast.com You know what, dude, page and hit donate and donate some cash, motherfucker. A dollar, $5,000. We don't give a shit. It all goes back into the podcast and helps us make this show even better. Or just go to the merch page. Get yourself t-shirt a mug a fucking hat or a signed gig post assigned by Joe DeRosa Dan Soder and myself Whatever you get whatever you donate it all goes back into making this podcast even fucking better So thanks for listening and keeps reading the word Trigidididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididid I was just reading a compliment on Twitter that someone likes retard Dan. What is retard Dan? When we were talking with Chris? What is that? What was it?

When I was trying to do a... Down here? That's it. I've been down. Dude, whoa! Whoa! I don't think I should open up this one. You really do have...

You have fucking retard wig head. Oh man. Oh man. I'm fucking retarded wig head. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to get a candy bar. Good. Robert? Will you give me a ride on your motorcycle to get a candy bar? Oh. Robert, could you please give me some ride on your motorcycle to get a candy bar? Yeah, you stop. Stop, stop, stop.

I'm some kind of Twitter somebody like that. Oh, God. There you go. Well, you gave it to him. Anyways, we're back. We were talking about therapy and shit like that. I've been going to therapy for six years. Dan, you've been going for a week. Three sessions. Three sessions and Kelly. I used to get what I was 24. I went for a while and then I went one more time about two months ago.

I'm 30. I don't know what, but I wait about two months ago when again. Yeah, 30. Yeah. Great 30. Well don't wait, but I wait about two months to go. I went again. You're 30. Yeah. Great, very 30. Well, thanks, Dan. Thanks. Even though you just yelled at me and I'm angry, you. What the fuck was that? You, you, um, yeah, you look good.

Oh, thanks. I didn't say it with the, like, I said that fuck up. All right. No, you look good. You really, you shittily, like, looked at the board and I was like, I know. Well, here's a deal is that we were talking about Ryan before, and you're talking about you, you don't get angry.

You might not get, you don't have rage like me, but you do have depression. Sure, yeah, I get that. I got it this weekend. Here's this was fucks me up. I went on, I'm at this club. I'm at a beautiful hotel, public hotel in Chicago. Brand new, fucking beautiful.

I mean, the gig is great. The lady the the JB is fucking awesome. That's awesome. The club is brand new. It's beautiful. Everything's fucking great. They take care of every need I wanted. It's awesome. Okay. I'm still depressed. I'm still depressed. I go back to the room and I get sad because I don't like being alone. I don't like it. Checking into a nice place is more depressing than checking into a pressing place because you go, I'm alone here.

I hate it. Yeah, that's awful. You're right. You know what? I didn't even think of that. I kept going, fuck, I wish Dawn was here. Yeah. She'd enjoy this.

Yeah. Like, I don't fucking enjoy it. Yeah. I'd pull that fucking shade down. Yeah. Put that TV on in my iPad on. I almost get angry sometimes. I check into a nice place.

You open the door, this nice room. You go, oh, what do I don't need? What am I gonna do? Yeah. Really? Yeah. You don't need it. Well, it's just like, I can't enjoy this really

with somebody or, you know. Right. Yeah, man, it's fucking, maybe that's why I was sad. I was so like, during the day, it's like, I'm in this beautiful, they call it the gold coast. Yeah. I'm in the fucking best part of Chicago. Right near Old Town, the gold coast,

all these restaurants, all these cool places, and I'm that guy, I'm the guy that goes and does stupid shit. Goes around the city and takes a thumbtorn, joins a club, and goes to the top of a building and Instagram is those whole day you know I mean I got a little Cubs game filled it through snap seed and makes everybody go holy shit amazing photos how do you do it and what's that face I don't I don't understand so I don't even know it doesn't matter the people listening some people do it wasn't for everybody But I was so depressed this weekend.

Here I am at a great club. I'm making good money. I'm fucking, I'm on the top of my game stand up wise. I'm just killing it. And I'm fucking sad all day. I sleep all day. I went out, I think there's something going on in the fucking universe too, man.

It's been shitty lately. It's been weird lately. Something the fuck is up for the minds of predictive with the world. And December 21st 2012. For when a coyote makes eye contact with the hawk. Pretty time for our planet. I think it's a change in the season though. I always find when you have a chance. Did you do that for me? Stop taking your rage out on me dad I'm doing it wrong

I'm gonna eat this season to change The people were going to change You're being such a fucking pit I'll get you in the middle You're getting angry at it I'm gonna fucking get it I'm fucking up now You know what I mean?

You're being condescending little content There it is see I'm just trying to tap into that I'm trying to get rid of her weather girl smile that she always has on her That's why I was there, but I just you know anyway No, but it's changing the season is like you like you're sleeping like I'm sleeping. Yeah, I can't get up I can't there's a nap there's too many naps I think I think yeah, look I think's, I think it's beyond that. I hear what you're saying. It's going from this hibernation mode to this,

oh my God, it's getting kind of nice out. Yeah. Where you're like, I just wanna, you know what I mean? There's nothing like a shit day out. As a comic, when you look out and it's just, yeah. Oh God, I feel happy right now thinking about it Yeah, knowing that I can do nothing and not feel guilty right video games and

Right food. No, it's me because you got oh I don't have the pressure But you're in these places and you go I got to experience I have to go downstairs and eat lunch at this Yeah, the best restaurant you go through a jod clon vet damn who became a chef. I don't know his name best restaurant. You go through a Jod Clon Veadam who became a chef. I don't know his name. Yeah, yesterday. Yesterday was hard because it was a good day outside and a white

I fucking wasted a good day outside being inside. It was I was so depressed as we can at this club and I had nothing to be oppressed about. And it was because I'm alone. I hate you. But you're not alone.

You have done. I'm on the road. No, no, no, no, that's what I mean. But that's real solace though, because that time you have a way from each other when you see each other again. It's lovely. You know, time away. I you, that's what I mean, but that's real solace though because that time you have away from each other when you see each other again It's lovely. You know time away. I you know what Kelly

I would love to tell you to go fuck yourself right now But I'm not gonna because you're absolutely you're making a point But here's the thing is you lose that connection as a comic when you become a Wrote when you start becoming a professional when you start making a living at this You're gonna have to be alone. You're gonna have to get on a fucking, wake up in the morning, take your bag, get a cab, get a loan, get to the airport, a loan, check in, a loan,

wait for the plane, a loan, get on the plane, a loan, get off the plane, get your bag, get no another cab, a loan, get to the hotel, a fucking loan, check in, open the door to this the hotel, a fucking loan, check in, open the door to this beautiful hotel alone, and then go, I have five hours to my show. What do I do? And you're going to be sad. Then you go and you do the show, right?

I always pretend I'm an assassin. Fucking tears up all that alone shit. What are you talking about? I got my bag that I carry and I got my long jacket and I try to look mysterious I'm a secret agent How cool is it? You check the room for bugs You look at other tables so I don't trust anything

I got my rifle kit Pull the final all fucking lady You don't do that no Assassin you're a 41 year old assassin. I don't be done. I'm gonna. Sassy actually pretend I'm on a undercover boss I do that. I know you do you get missions though remember when fucking yes Ryan you're right We do get I get missions, but I've turned the missions off because of, I was looking at me. I'll explain it.

Yeah, explain it. When you're on the road, you probably do this too. We would go shopping every day. He doesn't do this because he just ran into money. Yeah, he did not. So go ahead, we'll explain it to him. Oh, please, I'll explain it.

Good. Shopping, what's that? I don't know. You go on the road and you think I need something and I need the perfect something. I did that with a hoodie in Chicago? I don't know you go on the road and you think I need something and I need the perfect Something I did that with a hoodie in Chicago and I couldn't find it exactly I wanted to zip up hoodie cuz it's really cool Need something to do so you find it. I'll walk go through and you walked into 10 stores You didn't find the hoodie about 15 almost bought a pair of basketball shorts, right?

The guys will try and I wish I would have bought them. That was your mission. Hoodie was your mission. Yes. Why were I were in Canada? We had a code mission. Robert bought a code. We went into 15 stores a day for a month. And you finally found it though. Yeah. But it's you need something. I know exactly what you're saying. And this I couldn't find the hoodie. I went to a sports store. I went to fucking macy's. And it has to be perfect. It has to be zip up, black, good hood that fits over my huge head.

We're really just waiting for Robert to do that. Yeah, this was good. I'm kind of gassing out. I was really gassing out there at the end. I was gunk. I just only know that is the proof without me on this black gase. No, that's exactly what I was thinking.

I love it. Oh, good God. Robert is some wondering. Please don't I was thinking. Oh, good God. Robert is debunked. Please don't ever leave again. That was so scary. I was just so scary. If you look, I was locked eyes with Brian, because I just didn't.

You know what, the whole time I was thinking this, I was like, I have a phone call. We have a phone call, Kelly. Will you please answer the phone? You are on the, you know what, dude, podcast. Who's this? Oh, this is Drew from Alabama. Drew from Alabama.

Are you? Not work website. That's what I was calling for. What'd you say? The stream. No, it's not live. It's not live. We're just actually taking calls.

You're on the show right now, dude. Yeah. You are on the show. That's,. Yeah, you are on the show. That's that's that's monster voice and there's. I drew that's Kelly. How are you? You like that? Don't you? I got nothing to add.

I thought it was going to be broadcast alive, man. No, you're not live, you're at, but you're on the show. Like you are on the show right now. We have guest Ryan Hamilton's here. Like you're going to be in the show when it comes out. I mean, I understand that. He's just mad at my life. What, all right.

So what's the difference? If it was live, oh, you're just calling to let us know that if we were going live, it's not streaming. Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to listen to it live. I get, you didn't want to be part of the show. You just helping us out saying, hey, fuckhead, it's not working wanted to listen to it live. I get you didn't want to be part of the show You just helping us out saying hey fuck head. It's not working, but we're not live Kelly. Did you tweet out that we live? She's an asshole Kelly I'm sorry

Drew this monster voice I apologize Monster voice I apologize I can't remember Can you do the macho man for me real quick? Apologize in the monster voice I want to apologize to a lot of people But especially growing out of Bumble Yeah, calling in, thinking we're live Diggin! There you go, Drew

Alright, I'll have a good one, man We'll tweet out that we're not live and we'll retweet you Doing a live podcast now Just a call in, thank you Drew it a live podcast now. Just a call in. Thank you, Drew. Here's the tweet Doing a live podcast now with Robert Kelly. You read over it not lie and read it. I just expect you not to be dumb Sorry guys live park. Go back in. It's not live. It's not live Fucking for stoke. We just got for stoke. We just got a for stoke Fucking for stoke. We just got for stoke. We just got a for stoke

Doing we're not doing I'm sorry now people think we're doing live Work for is ruined Kelly. I can't delete it all right hang on one second one second Hang on no you're not putting anything. Please. on. Please, Bob, please don't leave this podcast. Hang on. I'm gonna stop. I already talked to Macy's. That was my punchline. I brought up, I brought up Macy's. I brought up the sports story. Come down. We're taking a break. Look at me. Be a man. You're going to therapy. You're gonna be a man. Dan, Dan, I love you. It's okay. Look at me. We're gonna take a break I'm gonna hit stop for a second. Okay, you're not gonna have to carry the podcast on All right, okay, here we go hang on

Callie you fucked up you did it's okay babe. Don't Tell you fucked up. You did. It's okay, babe. Don't worry about it. Girls fuck up. Guys don't put girls still. I'm gonna be quiet for the rest of the show. You do not be quiet. Do not fucking power.

You're not fucking power. I fucking want to see. Don't you yell at me ever. Ever yell at me. You yell at Dan. Okay. Oh, it's there. But yeah, dude, I we were talking about this

depression shit and it's it's it's sad, man, it's fucking lonely. But like this weekend was and that's when you eat because that's when I see here's a thing that's how you have an a religion to fall back on. Is that a good way of saying it or a bad way to have that faith? Like I'm trying to, like you say, think of Don, you know, you're not lonely. You've been making sense when you said after it. What? But you know, because you're always away, right?

It's like, it's like, yeah, I hold on to Don and I try to, but if she's not there, that's where you, I used to fall back on sex. That's when I used to fall back. You know, I never drank a drug, but I had sex and food. And you know, that's, it's, like you say, when you have a, a mission.

Yeah, right. My missions used to be hookers. My mission used to be finding a massage parlance. Oh, right, right, right. The perfect sexual fucking encounter. I go into the hotel, open up the fucking, the phone book, flip through, find a fucking, you know, dragon massage or something oriental, open past 10 o'clock, table shower, blah, blah,

go on the internet, hunt that fucking thing, that was my mission. And then I'd go and I would try to drag it out for the weekend till the last night and then I oh I'd feel like shit, I feel like shit, I'd feel like crying after I was done like I just fucking blew and not what is that what was that noise? It's the sky, I'm turning the skype on. Oh okay so you turn it off? No I turned it on because I was in Twitter and I turned it on. You can keep them both on at the same time it's an iPad. Yeah but I'm just gonna get some Mac classic. you can keep them both on at the same time. It's an iPad. Yeah, but I'm fucking I'm still being in between classic you can swap in between them with that's what happens makes the same. Okay, so anyways

Just making sure you don't fuck up against hell Yeah, and then I went to food this weekend food I couldn't I couldn't do it. I gave up I had a pizza Deep dish. No, I didn't do I didn't go I this is the problem though I I didn't do go all the way with the deep dish first of all me and Joe had this whole fucking arm deep deep dish thanks It's not pizza. It's a casserole Chicago pizza It's delicious though. It blow you fucking self kill yourself I could

That would solve a lot of money updates, but you, I mean, you're, you, I mean, this is what fucking sucks for you. You're alone on the road like me, but then you, at least that come home. And I got that smiling face. I got that beautiful face that I know wants to suck my cock. I get to meet Kelly at the fucking, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I get to, I get to, yeah. Such a hacky setup.

I'm surprised nobody's gonna kick it up. I can't, I can't, I just want to go over it. I just ignored it. Well, you know, I got just gonna go when he's checking it up. I can't go. I just wanna go over it. I just ignored it. Ha ha ha ha. Well, you know, I got my check, but you don't have anybody. Right, you come home alone and yeah, it's tough.

And you don't just bang, brods. Like, Dan, can just go out and fucking bang a check. Yeah, just banging, brods. No. I mean, I can't. I'm gonna pull it. You do. You can, you can, look, you can fuck around if you want.

Yeah. You don't have, like, you can't do that. And you're like me. That makes you like me. Because I can't do that either. Right, right. The thing you can't do. And it's, yeah, it's difficult. Everybody has difficult stuff.

But yeah, it gets depressing. At my point is, I- I hate when people fucking say that. Everybody, no, we're talking about our difficult stuff. Well, that's my point. I hate thinking, everybody has fucked them. That's my point. I hate thinking everybody has fucked them That's my point because I feel like through this podcast. We've been like I don't have it But I do have things right my things. What is your thing? I get the pressure? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, I mean it's up and down, but yeah, do you ever think about killing yourself? Have I ever thought about yeah? Honestly, I'm asking you on I'm gonna even joking around. I've thought it. I mean I thought about this weekend I've had thought about? Yeah. Honestly, I'm asking you, I'm going to even joke it around. I've thought it, I mean, I've thought about this weekend. I've had thoughts. I thought about it this weekend. I thought about it this morning. You should. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Did you see what I got? Did you really? No, I was hungover. I mean, did you, I'm being dead, fucking honest. Whatever I'm hungover or something. I've thought about it. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not, I'm not scared, like I'm a risk or something, but I've thought about things like that. Yeah, and that's why, like I'm a risk or something, but I've thought about things like that. Yeah, and that's why it's weird too, because you have these days, people think that we just live in life large. Like, the more money you make, the more money you spend. So, you're the way you, we're on the same boat here.

We don't have fuck you money, I don't have fuck you money. You know what I mean? So, I'm in the same boat as. We don't have fuck you money. I don't have fuck you money. You know what I mean? So I'm in the same boat as Kelly or Dan or you, whatever. It's all, you know, right. Revolent to you. What am I trying to say? What's the point? It doesn't make you happy here.

It's all relevant to you. It's all relevant to you, relevant to what. So what I'm saying, thank you, Dan, for listening. Fucking asshole. Kelly, please, you can talk. You can talk. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like this weekend I was like oh and I didn't think about like I really want to do it I was just like Jesus could I maybe go home if I do that like you know I think about the plane when the plane takes off and I'm fucking it doesn't bat it doesn't bother me yeah doesn't bother me anymore right though what are you gonna do yeah

I'm not gonna make the gig what's gonna happen right I'm gonna have to fight wolves the Greg Liamness and the real gray on him I'm gonna have to fight wolves. The gray. The Liam missing. I'm gonna have to go real gray on them. I'm gonna have to put baby fucking Jack Daniels on my knuckles. Sippy size Jack Daniel. I'll just be drinking him a snow. Is anybody got in gin left? Is anybody got in gin left? Yeah. So yeah it's it's it's fucking sad but what do you do to get out of that? I think I've come to the point where it's more about, I just call people, you know, I talk to people, it's about relationships. It doesn't matter if you're doing well or doing poorly in your career or money or success or whatever. You can be happy or not with that stuff.

But, you know, I'll call people. I'll call people. Really? I did that too. You know who's the best for me, Colin? Oh, I'll call people. I'll call people. Really? Yeah, it's hard. I did that too. You know who's the best for me, Colin? I bet he's great. Oh, yeah. He's the greatest because he relates to you and then he helps you out and then,

right, and then he's, I gotta go, I gotta go. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, he's fucking great at that. But yeah, like, like, like, you, like, look, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say it right now, you know, there's a podcast coming out this Thursday, a special edition, just me and Joe D'Orozo,

me and Dangerous Joe. Joe's leaving the podcast, he's going home back to Pennsylvania to be with his family for a little bit. He hasn't been on the show, he's been away, he went on his Kentucky Fried Chicken tour and did a bunch of things, but we get into it on the show. He's been away. He went on his Kentucky Fried Chicken tour and did a bunch of things. But, you know, we get into it on the podcast. I'm not going to get into it now because, you know,

this Ryan's here and this is, you know, I'm going to talk about it. But Thursday, me and Joe, so if you want to listen Thursday, we're doing a podcast. Me and Joe is final episode, not final. He'll be back, hopefully. But, you know, he's going home. But yeah, it's like, you know, you get to lose Joe. He's not around, that was sad.

I don't, you know, we're not, you know, out of sight out of mind, you know, you don't really talk to each other. The book is kind of wrapping up. I've lost a couple of friends this month, actually, you know, that, you know, I'm not gonna talk about here because it's kind of personal, but, yeah, you kind of lose these people and it's like sad

and it's depressing and it's like, why? What the fuck? Because something you don't know, it's kind of personal, but yeah, you kind of lose these people, and it's like sad, and it's depressing, and it's like, why? What the fuck? Because somethings you don't know, it's like fuck. I wanna know, but fuck it, okay. To move on, sometimes sucks. Yeah, definitely. And Jonah had a great hang like two weeks ago.

What? Jonah had a great hang like two weeks ago. It was good seeing him. I miss him. Wow, I mean, what a dick. I'm just telling him about to kill myself. So sad. And this ass, I was like, dude, I'm gonna have a great time with my friends. I'm not gonna lie, Jonah, I have a fucking blast.

Great until you're full. I can't wait. It's gonna happen. How many times have you felt from Grace? How many times have you there? And you're like, ah, how many, you've had a few, right? Yeah, of course. He's had none.

He's had none. You've had none. What? When K-Rock. Oh, the radio. What was that? When K-Rock got taken away from me. Not as a comedian, you've had one.

No. No, it's coming. It's coming. It's coming. I can't wait. I can't wait till that fucking tax bill comes in. And it's not what your accountant says. It's actually double. And you're like, well, I don't have that.

I don't have that money and they come after you. I've been in that situation time and time again. Oh, you know what? Side out of it. Yeah. I'm getting down in the mud and I'm letting it. God damn it. I'm getting it.

Oh, shit. Oh. Old request. Yeah. I love it. It's a goddamn. I get down there with a swamp in the Kids ever gonna fall I can't I don't think he's ever gonna fall. I'm so excited. Have you ever had a fall from Grace?

I've never had it in the beginning with. Oh, yeah. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. on the way up now do you know since the podcast has started have you gotten more fans have you as things happen how's your Twitter people are fine you have people have been great I was really scared that they would hate me why I don't know because I was a chick and I'm hanging out with the guys like what the fuck do you think you're doing like his little own a fans but why would they be we keep on the week hate you yeah that's alright I can have you take it take me that's fun but um no on the weekend I'm at people and they were like oh you're the voice like voice, like they recognize my voice. It was fucking, they're dudes. See, that shit makes it, this is the thing. We're such comics and you guys, they hear us be negative and fucking all the time, right?

But it's like, you don't understand that it feels good to feel good. We like to feel good too. We like compliments. We love when somebody goes, dude, you're a fucking really funny. I get the joke, We all get that shit But it feels good to have a friend. Yeah, like I didn't like this weekend It was good to hang out with Dan that you were in there. That was great because I was doing the Guinness stuff

And it's it's you know the Guinness is a great job, but it's very Corporate I have to watch what I say right. I'm okay about it But then to walk into the green room and see Bobby sitting there eating a steak sandwich He's like sucked in and fucking sit down makes all the difference does to you and fuck shit Yeah, and then he's like you want to get sick there? Yeah, and it was just great. It was fun. Yeah, it was fucking then we try to get food. We did a The haunted hotel Which we didn't talk about yet, but no, we didn't do he had a haunted hotel

I stayed in the haunted hotel room. Well, we did it. We have a we had a we did a special podcast There's a special podcast titled Ghost Busters really where we we do a podcast live from the haunted hotel room Wow, it was at the hotel room that they booked you in yeah, and they said it's haunted No, it is just there was some shit that happened Did you taste ghost Bobby today taste them? Yeah, you didn't smell it. No, I smell them I felt like cotton candy you fucking smell them and then my Smelt it right away and he's hair so the hairs oh my oh shit he came down. He goes dude I'm fucked up right now. I feel something right now

I love it. Oh, they fucking freak me out. I go. Oh my god I put the hairs on my arm just went up like electricity I go get some wow back in my room and get something we're gonna go try to get food late at night and I walked oh my god. I put the hairs on my arm just went up like electricity. I go get some Wow back in my room and get something we're gonna go try to get food late at night And I walked in my room and I felt something I love it. I fucking freaked me out. Did you stay there? I started that night, but I slept in my jeans and my t-shirt. Are you kidding? Really? Yeah Why would that you could like get out if you needed to? Fucking run if something fell., I'd be fucking run. If something fell, oh man, that room, ah, the room is gonna fuck out.

And then Bobby's fucking me up. And then it's 3.30 in the morning. And my hotel room phone starts ringing. And then I have to share, I spit it out. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm gonna fuck you. You're a legend. You are a legend for doing that to him.

I'm not just fantastic. I'm not fantastic. You for doing that to him. That's fantastic. You're fantastic. That's great. But as we're doing the podcast, I have a cap going, yeah, so anyways, did the devil in possession tonight, Satan loves you and he's a... And yeah, I'm going, I am free from Jesus with the cap. I have a cap going, oh, please God protect me, anything. I'm gonna say this first, please God protect me.

So he just ran away, like, the devil will attack you tonight. He will take over your soul Power of Christ compels you You got a call. No, nothing fucking you we would add calls Hey, come on number nine right now you're on with Bobby Kelly I think you know what dude look at all the calls that are coming in well They have to ring through oh You're listening to what a one point nine Cincinnati's new ride

She's fucked up that one man just came three now it did it called five times He called five time hello Hello, Bobby. All right, settle down. You're a little loud. Hang on. Let me take care of you. Hi, buddy.

How are you? Sorry. We need to come in with you to Ocean City, Maryland. We got actually Ryan Hamilton's gonna be there. It's a, yeah, Ryan's gonna be there. It's funny. We're talking about suicide. And that's a suicide benefit.

That is kind of eerie. Yeah. Yeah. It's Ryan Hamilton and and what's your name? Nikki Glazer. Nikki Glazer. Awesome. Why, is that where you're from?

My parents lived down there, right? I decided to go down since you guys were, you know, going to be down there. Oh, cool. It's going to be a fucking crazy show. And I'll tell you why. Because it's three very different comedians. Nikki's a killer. Ryan's a killer, and Amma killer.

It's gonna be a really good show, did it? Really good show. Are you gonna be down there the 20th? I don't know, what day is that? Kelly? No, we're coming back. No, we're gonna come back that night. I'm gonna show the 20th.

I'm gonna be somewhere. So, I'm putting my parents' boat in the water down there. I don't know if he like fishing or anything. Oh no shit, what a nice guy. That's very nice. He's trying to kill us. So you're taking out the water and end you. Yeah, you can go through.

Leave you there. Yeah, he's, he wants you to bring Kelly down too. Yeah, hear more about her ass home. Yeah. Let me ask you. Yeah, let me ask you. Oh, Chris, I love you. Let me ask you.

Good. Does it grow? Does it grow? Shout out? Or does it turn you on? Uh, it's sort in the middle. I like it a little bit, but then when I hear the gross stuff, uh, turns me off. Did you see? Do you know what Kelly looks like?

Now I can't see your camera at all. Oh, you want to see it? Oh, it's going to be weird. It's going to be weird for you. Show us. Show him a titty. Shut up. Look at that mustache. That's a fuck. He looks like my dad.

Is your name Gary Soder? Did you figure death of 1997? What'd you say? Why is she gonna be a nocy in death of 1997? What'd you say? Why? Is she gonna be a no-since you, Marilyn? Yeah. Oh, I'm way out of my leg, buddy. Hold that up. So I don't have to,

I'm way out of my leg. Biggie Glazer's way harder. Yeah. She's pretty hard. No, they're both actually very pretty girls. She's not gonna be there, cause she doesn't commit suicide. She's Australian, they're always up bait.

I don't think about taking my wife, I think about going to Serfin. Hi, hi Chris. Hi dad. You look exactly like my dad. It's creepy. And this is Ryan Hill with him showing me. This is Ryan. Tell me if I'm going left. Hey man. There you go.

How are you? There he is. That's Ryan Hill. We'll see you Thursday. He really just, he loved monster voice and really went down hill. Yeah, he doesn't you Thursday. He really just he loved most of us and really went down hill. Chris put a poster on your wall. I'm in a big apartment. Yeah. Oh wow. I mean, Philly. I'm actually I want to know Joe Roza will do a podcast in Philly. What do you mean? His own Philly. I would love to uh, well, a podcast of him walking around Philly. What do you mean? His own Philly? I would love to uh,

your podcast of him walking around Philly. You should do, you call him. He's not, I'm gonna be in Philly on Tuesday. We have a podcast. Are you gonna be helium? No, I'm doing the Guinness shows in Philly Wednesday Thursday Friday. There you go. Shit. What do you mean? Are you from Philly? Yeah, I live in South Philly. We'll hook up with Monster Voice. Get him out. You have a podcast? What's it called? Oh, I don't know. Oh, I don't know.

It's called Whiskers. What's it called? Having showered in a month? Whiskertales with Chris. Oh, my God. What's it called? I live alone on my mom's money. What are you doing?

Oh my God, he's creeping me out. Liz and brother. Liz and man, thanks for calling. Get in touch with Joe. Do a podcast. What are you gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna do a show with him? I actually, I've artworked four Joe Dorentzo.

Let me show you. Okay, please show us. He's a great sapper fan, right? What is he? Yeah, huge Frank's Apper fan. Huge Frank's Apper fan. Are you an artist? Is that what they explain this look?

Yeah. What have you painted for me? Fuck Joe, what about me I Did that that's pretty good. Let me see you got to give that to Joe. He'll love that. Oh, that's fucking awesome, dude I know that a self portrait or a sense Let me see let me see that looks great. I want something you fuck. I'll do something. I'll definitely well Well that that doesn't sound fucking good. I just got my computer back after.

And I'm fucking yelling at him to draw me a painting. I'm sorry, buddy. Part of it burned down and I lost my computer. So I just bought one about a week ago. So I'm redoing everything I've ever done. I don't care about that. I want a painting. I don't care about you. Did you to painting. I don't care about you.

Did you have all of these something for you, Bob? All right, listen, but no, make sure you give that to Joe. He'll love that, dude. This is very good. And he could use a nice gift like that right now. So make sure you get that to him. Email and tell him that we'll tell him to. Good talk to you too.

Spread the word, all right? And do me a favor. Condition, condition, condition. I love your mustache, Chris. Bye, buddy. Well, that was nice. That was a phone call. Now I gotta go back and fucking see all the other Look at this 50 fuck. Oh my calling remote. How many fucking people call this? I want that in front of you

Because I want them to see you first. We're gonna take a couple calls and then we'll get the fuck out of here. All right We're gonna call hello. We're going will here. Hi. Hello. What do you put? Yeah, hello. Are you there? Will will is he there will or are you buddy? All right, so yeah, we're gonna fucking Cool zone else. What's that? Let me see. Let me see turn it to me. Let me take this really quick She Kelly you really fucked up today. I did I'm sorry. It's alright We're not really

I I know, I haven't used it before. I'm like, what do I do at every day? It's all right, you know now, you know now. I love you all on the couch. I really can't get mad at it. I cannot get mad at this fucking twat. I really want to. So anyways, yeah, it's this fucking guy.

So listen, call, hang on one second, guys. Fucking. Oh, here we go. Oh, come on. Come on. Here's what I know. There was no hoodies what's all maybe maybe we should never start our own podcast I think we can we'll call it no one is gonna listen to this It's gonna be me and you just looking at each other going I did do that and then I also did that and then I did a little something more of that

What's wrong with this You guys this is the thing man people don't realize that I fucking your hammer to keep the thing going I know you got to keep it going You guys really just shut down. It's like I'm trying to do something here cuz Kelly fuck it up. I don't like all it. Do I like looking at computers? What do I like doing? Dan like being a part of the fucking podcast why then because you fucking carry this thing? That's right. It's nothing on the golf uncle the year old. No, you know, I'm the golf uncle to your Simon. I'm telling you know what I, I'm the God fucker to your Simon. Let me tell you something.

I'll tell you know what I am. I'm the tracks that put the fucking caboose and the cap they got and the fucking engine on there. You, I take you to the fucking places. Oh boy. Without me you're just a fucking piece You gonna go about fishing with that guy? I've done weird shit. I go with fans.

I would look at man, there was a fan in Reno took a flying fishing. I've gone on boats and up in Pekipsi when I was a bunch of cops after the show. Like three in the morning on a boat. I do weird shit like that. I love when fans are cool. Yeah, they take out.

Chevy doesn't shit. What do you mean? Yeah, I was gonna go dog sledding in Alaska. This guy didn't want to take me, then he bailed with the last second. Oh, did he? Yeah, piece of shit. That's a good story, isn't it?

So, do that stuff, though. I do that stuff, though. Yeah, they get weirded out sometimes when you take them up. I think like, there was a guy Twitter in San Francisco was like, dude, you should stop by the offices. I literally Googled with the offices where I go, do them outside, let's go. Cause I really wanted to get, fuck yeah.

I wanted to get validated. What's it called? Validation. Is it validated? Validation, is that what it's called? It's a parking, no verified, verified. You're gonna get verified. It's called verified.

I'm verified. I got verified before everybody. I ignored and got to be in all these guys. Oh right. Because I went to the Twitter offices. I showed up, the guy was like, Hey man, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, he said, I ain't gonna come by, but then he leaves because yeah, that was the only founder. I'm like, you gotta let me know. Oh, shit! You know what, I could have fucking did some fucking

cock joke or something stupid thing. It wasn't a bird. I think that's your worst thing. You should have let me know. I would have fucking zing them with a nice joke. No, no. I was like, I wouldn't know. I could have fucked up and put my fat foot in my mouth.

I don't have a fat foot. I have fat ankles. But, it's carrying wood. Yeah, I did it all the time. my mouth. I don't have a fat foot, I have fat ankles. But, it's carrying water. Yeah, I did it all the time. I like, I don't want the fans to start now offering me shadow. I do it, I'm, we're having a barbecue on a fucking Wednesday. It's my grandma's 60th, come round. I told you you're coming over.

Hey, brushed up on all of two of gas. Bobby, do you like beans? Bobby. You like beans, huh? You don't have like a gluten allergy, do you? We're making you something. Listen, I'm doing those gimp bracelets this weekend. I did a pinting of dawn. You want to come pick it up?

Oh, shut your fucking mouth. I would hate you. Anyways, yeah, so I definitely, that shit actually makes me feel good. Like Reno was fun for me. I did a lot of stuff. But this Chicago, I wish I wasn't in the depression. I wish I could, you know, and it was, you know,

dude, Sunday night, I had a fucking show on CBS. I Robert DeNiro produced show on CBS, a network, I had a guest starring role. And I'm on a bunch of times, the producer, what's your name? Fucking tweeted me last night, tweeted my name, like the producer of the, that's huge man. The producer of the fuck of Tribeca films tweeted me

and said, you know, something like, Jane, Jane from Tribeca. So I'm not gonna be gonna last them, I want, but she has, she tweeted me about like, oh, they said, Robert should have a zone show with Martini, Marga. It's like, holy shit, it's great. But yeah, it's awesome.

It's great, but I'm still in a fucking sad. You know what I mean? It's so funny, right? You know, we make these people laugh. Everybody walks out, shakes you, thank you. And then all of a sudden it's just a sad clown, right? And the highs are high though, because that high is ridiculously awesome.

Like after the show. And you can't, you, you can't get there any other way. Yeah, but here's the thing. And it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, you get to fucking enjoy it still. You get to enjoy it still. I'm enjoying it really well. Yeah, because you guys get to fucking you understand that enjoy this time right now Enjoy coming off doing eight 15 minutes and killing and your friends are like oh that was good and hanging out and getting drunk and

Suck in a dude's dick and a vestibule or whatever the fuck you do. He's talking to me You know what I mean? It's the lips man. Oh boy. I'm a pillow lips my lips and your lips will I know right. Thank you so much for coming on there. Thank you Well, you you're gonna do we're gonna do this time the show comes on that show is gonna be done already I'm gonna see real quick if there's one more fucking person we can call because Kelly you shut it off It's gone. No, it's gone. It's gone. You shut it off. It's gone. Here we go. Okay. I'm gonna see one We're gonna try one more time to cool. We call Chris

We yeah, we called Chris and we called Alex. Do we talk to Colin? Did we talk to Colin? We'll try one more call before we go Here we call why is this failing? Why are we failing? What have you done? What did you do with? Fuck you guys. Look, man, this is why I don't fucking do this shit. I do a straight-talkie-talkie.

Bobby, you a talkie-talkie. Bobby, what? You look at Kelly and you tell her that she hurt you. Kelly, look at me. Kelly. You hurt my feelings. I can't handle what you're staring at me. Kelly, look at me. I can't handle it. You hurt my Kelly look at me you hurt my feelings Look at me I'm looking at you

I want you to stay with me because I mean this Dan you look at me too You hurt my feelings Sorry Bobby because I really wanted this to go off You gotta I wanted it just to work one fucking time. I wanted to handle it. My friend Ryan's here. He's actually starting to get into his acting. He's a moment Ryan Make this happen I know Bobby look at Ryan Yeah

Thank you so much Ryan for coming on please come on again. I know we got a little which we got a little deep in and out today But it was good. I liked it and I want oh look Hey, fuck all of you, you know fucking cheer when my wife comes up. Don't talk on the podcast We're right at the end and you come in you fucking ruin it All right, listen, listen, I love you baby. How are you? She looks great. She had a head down. Shut your mouth. I can tell.

Thank you. Hi, mama. I miss you. I haven't seen her in days. I can't wait to meet you people leaving her face. Leave me to get out. Anyways, thank you so much, Kelly. Kelly, give you credits. Give you, give you plugs. Give everything.

So, I'm still plugging North North Carolina will be in 10 May second May 5th Cape for your festival look it up Cape for your festival and follow me on Twitter KELY F-A-S-T-U-C-A And what other news do you have what else what do we have on Facebook now? Oh, we have the we have the you know what dude Facebook page I do it yeah, I don't know so like it because I'll just, you know, anything that's funny like we'll hang on. Here we go. Hello, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hey Jeff. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey What are you calling from Mars? Are you in a space station? All right, listen. We can't hear you. We can't hear you, dude. Sorry, I don't know. Well, we can hear you when you talk. Fucking talk. He's just like this, right?

Oh, you fucking creep. Say something. He's just getting excited. I'm scared. You creeps say something. He's just getting excited. I'm scared. You want me to call him? Yeah, call him. What's up, buddy? What do you say?

Do you have a radio on? It's a duck. I gotta go. Oh, he stinks. Jeff has a sucks. Sorry, Jeff. We love you, but go fuck yourself. Thank you, Jeff.

Listen, we got the new Facebook. You know what, Facebook. Make sure you like it. So do what do you, Jeff. Listen, we got the new Facebook, you know what? Yeah. Make sure you like it. So do what you got. Hey, come up for a day in the suit or else. In his monster release, you can catch him live. Actually, I'm trying to see. I will be hosting an important showcase.

They haven't told me what it is. UCB Theater East on Thursday, April 26th. And I'll be at a Go bananas and Cincinnati opening for Nate Bargatsy. Oh, Nate. You're opening for Nate when that switches around. He's going to be pissed. May 17th.

God damn, you should be my opener. I'm going to play with Nate Bargatsy 17th. The 20th come out to his recording a CD. He's recording his album. Cocksucker. Cocksucker. When I got, he didn't say the CD. I would not want you in front of me. If I was recording my CD well

I just told me if I'm killing after kind of reel it in any really nice Dude don't fucking and you know what settle down I kind of want to tape from there you're gonna get it you're gonna tape on his taping night. They're tape They tape every set wow Do you see this is the business? This is the fucking. So I'll be live. So bananas since the addy.

This is the business. I'm so on dance side. I'm like, if he can talk to you. It's a half hour tape I could submit from maybe a television. So you're gonna go up when the guy, your best friend, hang on, is making his CD, brought you along, brought me along put

you on the show yeah you're gonna go up and blow it out of the water to get your own CD now I'm gonna I'll no I'll do crowd work you're lying can't you go up and blow that heck out of the water and get a good good more famous you get the more famous your podcast guys fuck that red Bobbi You see? You see? More than a count of the whole water Listen, all right, so you're there.

What do you got Ryan? Where are you gonna be? Oh, love of the world. Yeah, just check out my site. There's a lot of dates. I mean, What's your site? Hartford Connecticut coming up.

RyanHamilton.tv. That's all I could get. What the fuck are you from Bangladesh? Why? I couldn't get it. There's a million Ryan Hamilton. Ryan Hamilton long, that's it. Ryan Hamilton live.com and you can buy it today and have it redirected to that.

Alright, yeah, do that. I'll try that. What is that? Hello, it's not there. Who was Chris? Oh fuck. Hello. Yeah, we hung up on him.

Hello. He's gone. Hello. They're easy. Hello Wow, this is gonna work if fucking works man. The miracles come true You have the last caller on the fucking podcast what we're trying to do is Kelly fucked it up Yeah, and then she refucked it up because she didn't all you guys called in and she didn't answer the phone Don't fucking say anything. All right. You hurt my feelings. What's up, buddy?

Oh, this is going to be a very little phone call. What are we pals? What are you guys? Welcome to the podcast, dude. You got, you got me. You got monster voice. Hello. You got Kelly.

Plus, Duka, bloody asshole. And you got blood. I'm sorry. You got Ryan Hamilton who healed it What's up? What do you got what do you want to know? I Don't know I didn't really prepare my bad What do you think what what do you want to just talk? I Yeah, I should have thought this before and should my well,, what do you think we're going to do? Hey, what's up? I don't know. I kind of just saw it on Twitter. Oh, I do it. Well, look, dude, we're going to do this again when

Kelly doesn't fuck it up. So next time you call up, do you have any questions for any of us? Yeah, you're fan of the podcast? Oh, yeah, I was new to every week, every every time I was listening to it. Are you the best. Do you tell people about it? Yeah, I tell everybody most people don't listen to it. I try. Does he have a monster voice request? Do I have to stay at do Indian Indian? Oh, Indian, the Indian Native American. Yeah, I give him a little we're gonna give you a little white Indian guy

For when a brave calls through them through the parallels of the world that I do not know For you speak into a box where I can project your face For I take it for your soul is among us like that when the eagle sores above our tribe I'll see you later buddy. Thanks for calling it spread the word I had fuck we're gonna work this calling shit out. We're gonna have to get you a computer Do I know are the worst secretary you are the word? There's a story me right now people are writing to me now going you fucking stink send her home silly ding I want to see this. Anyways, Ryan Hamilton.tv.

Yeah, check it out. Oh, that's cool. And you're gonna be in Hartford, Connecticut coming up soon. Yeah, first week in May, I got a lot of dates coming up. So just check the schedule. Awesome, make sure you spread the word about this podcast. Keep telling everybody, you know, keep downloading, subscribe and review.

If you haven't subscribed and reviewed to this podcast, there's 30,000 people listen to this thing. We have 260 reviews. Go fuck yourself. Get off your ass. Subscribe. Hit the fucking subscribe button on iTunes. Get us in the top 10.

Get us in the fucking top 10. Yeah. And review it. Review it. We love you guys. What are you doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?

You're just doing that little mommy fucking face of yours. Fucking dude, it's over, but it's not fucking over. I like that people are getting the inside of what tell the people I know. I know right there. They know they know. He is a monster. Hello, Tony. Hello, dogs.

Hello, Bobby. Hello, boys. Hey, everybody. I'm happy. You all right? We're good. Fuck you guys making me look like a cat. How are we? We'll see you guys later. It's your add-down, it's time for... Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Tech Tech Tech Talk with Bobby and Joey All right, we're here. We're doing a tech talk real quick tech talk today because we went over a fucking again every week We're doing like two hour shows. I don't know why I don't know why so much fun. Is that it? Oh, we just fucking fun to be able to say we're just passing ourselves around

Anyways, we're gonna be we're gonna be doing right now. We're just bossing ourselves around. I'm bringing so much food. Anyways, we're gonna be doing right now. We're gonna be doing TikTok. We're gonna get off your phone. I was Twittering. Get off your fucking phone. Oh, I got damn good. Get off my phone. Snap it in a claw.

Oh. Oh, you gain a fight shirt started selling by the way. Boom, baby. Right cast dot com merch. The Gator fights are catching up on the Joe D T shirts. It's a goddamn Gator fight. All right, so we're going to be doing right now. Everybody's favorite little segment at the end of the show.

TikTok! With Bobby and Dan. Name? God, we hate it. I miss show. I just hate this. I do. It's not.

Anyways, we got Ryan Hamilton. Ryan has an amazing fucking TikTok. This is a cool little video taping this, by the way, too. If you have the app or you go to the You Know What, Dude page, the RK app on YouTube, you're going to see this cool little thing. I'm all about like stuff I can travel with. And this thing I found yesterday, and it's a cool little, um, I feel like such a nerd right now.

It's a cool little tripod that you just open up. You can set it down anywhere and, uh, it's great for the road because I put my camera on there and I video take my shows. It's great at the seller because you can put it down anywhere and it's great for the road because I put my camera on there and I video take my shows It's great at the seller because you can put it right on that little Oh, right. Yeah, and You can you can hook up yeah, my zoom has that all the all the stuff look Oh, yeah watch this is you can take a camera on the bottom you can look for it I don't know what you do a little work and just look at the bottom of the bottom

So that this is what you can do you can look for it. I don't know what you're doing. You can do a little work and just look on the bottom. So this is what you can do. You can take this, screw it in real easy, and then push that down. Wow, that's fucking great. That's great for comics, man. Now take it off and close it up and see how portable it is. And that can go on up. And you can even leave it on here.

Just, what's the sound does it make? It's a transformer. It's a transformer. It's a transformer. It's alive. It's just a tiny thing. Goes right in your camera bag. That is pretty.

And what's the name of that? It's called the, uh, joby. Joby. You get an Amazon? I don't know. I imagine I found it. I found it at the, at the MoMA store. What is that?

The modern, uh, art thing. They have a store downtown. I so I did I hear somebody talking behind me. Don't don't don't get her. I don't get my wife on camera. I don't need that shit. I see him of modern art. Museum of art. I found it. All right. That's great. So it's called the what? The joby joby joby joby. All right. That's great. Man. That's a great little fucking tech talk thing. I like that and next week Dan's going to be reviewing the airplanes. Oh I'm gonna be doing the I'm gonna do the yeti blue mic yeti blue. I caught a ghost on we'll talk about it next week

next week. We're gonna be doing a special podcast midweek me and Dan. I think I don't know figuring it out. Yeah, we'll figure it out We did we cut a ghost on it and And he's gonna be doing tech talk on Yeti microphone. And don't forget to get your runner at gorunner.com. What's up, and the lead. Yeah. Yeah. Stink, stink, stink You know what I did I'm stuck in the fog, I'm stuck in the fog You know what I did

I'm stuck in the fog, I'm stuck in the fog You know what I did Really dude, really, really, really Don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face. Don't stop. Ven y vive la emoción de la Navidad con Isema Madrid. Malinche, Guá, Juvenalia, Sir clásica, oro viejo, Christmas by Starlight, Bresch y muchos más para disfrutar con familia y amigos. La Navidad cobra vida con Isema Madrid. Ent en Ifema.es y compra tu entrada. Ifema Madrid. Siente la inspiración.