Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Gorbachev Mouth

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

Robert is joined by Bill Dawes, Mark Normand, Luis J Gomez, Kelly Fastuca and Chris Scopo. RiotCast.com   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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te lo 3 por uno en medianas a domicidio solo pidiendo el line ¿Saparao? 3 por uno, 3 por uno Ah no no no ¡Dominos! Pizza ¡You're listening to Robert Kelly's

You know what, dude! On the Riotcast Network Riotcast Network, riot's no directions. But I love doing it. Why you cast a gun? Side! Go! Go! Go! Alright, we're live.

We are fucking live. And guess who's back? Motherfucker. That's right, I'm fucking back from my Canadian world win for the just for laps Back with my fucking podcast and my crew That's right YKW fucking dead back in the studios. It's good to be back It's been a long time film the pilot pilot, did a Canadian tour, a bunch of shit, in the last couple of weeks, but it's good to be back in New York, and back in the studio.

We got some very special people here, and we have some very special people that didn't show up, which I'm happy with. But to my right, we got Chris Scopo, the motherfucker on the video camera, making this whole thing look good. What's up, Bobby? How you doing? I'm doing good. I'm very glad. Are you glad? I'm happy to see you. Yeah. It looks like you lost some weight, dude. Yeah, that's about 15 pounds. Yeah, you thinned out no sugar. No grains? I had grains no I'm back to no grains though. I was eating grains for a while, but now I'm back. You look good, kid. Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. We got Kelly fat stuka

Appreciate it. We got Kelly Fatt Stuka. Saddub on the other. I know, right? I can help it, Bob. Can I tell you something, Kelly? Yeah, Bob. I want to be honest with you. I like you a little chunky.

Yeah, I've had a lot of compliments of light. I like your hair, your face. You got a pretty face. You look healthier, you're fucking. It's a massive. They're massive. A little black comics. I want to come on I'm sorry. Did that come out me?

I'm calling you hopefully Hang on one second guys. I got to take this excuse me calling you're on my like live ykwd right now Right now you're on live just to let you you know, I have to... Legally, I have to tell you that. Oh, I'm very excited for me. I've been... Hey, come to your constitutional. Ah! What's up, buddy?

What's this? Nothing. Nothing, I'm just walking in the rain. You're walking in the rain? Yeah. That sounds fun. I think it was not a song backing your day. Yeah, it's in, but... Yeah. That sounds fun. I think it wasn't that a song back in your day. Yeah, simple.

Yeah, it was. I saw you with a one-hour love. I was talking about the other one. I was talking about the 80s, not the 50s. Yeah, well, well, obviously a bad idea. Calling in to a show with four or five people sitting around, comfortable laughing, high-goal, in as they call in you back, or your fucking root call a chick starting in the morning. And now I'm gonna get dressed.

That's not! That's the way this is gonna work. That's the way it's fucking dying out. Look, it's gonna go down with a hucka. You can't read. I love y'all. done alright he's getting old we got Kelly yes you can get in really thank you i don't mind did i like it your hips look good you know what i mean you're little wobble some people are meant to be a little chunky

here's the thing you thing, you either look good shredded or fat. You don't look in the middle. When I was shredded though, I didn't have an ass and I lost my titties. Yeah, you need to pick a side. Yeah, I think this is the side that suits me. You're gonna stay there? Yeah. I really? Well, I think so. I don't know. I feel fine. Do it. You have big fat titties. Yeah, yeah, I feel fine do it. You have big fat titties. Yeah, I am and can I see him? No, all right We got well don't you last you fucking twerk You do not know what twerking is Torp and jerk turned his mic down listen. I want to go to Mark Norman. Hey, who is What are you doing? Well, you have the ads come on when you go to Mark Norman. Hey, who is, uh, what are you doing?

Well, you have the ads come on when you go to the USTream. Oh, okay. Well, uh, sorry about that, Mark. Oh, it's a hang on, Nick DePolo is calling the hang on, and he's like, hey Nick, hey you fucking... Black people. Yeah. You coming up the fucking deal my show?

Fuck a second? Um, Mark, good to have you back on. It's been a while. Oh, yeah, it's been I was on this when list was boozing Was yeah, what was it over here over here? Yeah, we had a couple buds Wow, I remember First time I had soda and list on the show and I they had I was again help yourself to the beer I Looked and it was a six pack each 45 minutes into the show right right they just had beer after beer after beer. I was like my god Oh, it's free beer. You got a jump on it. Wow. Yeah. Well fucking Jesus. You'd have a couple call it be nice

What's wrong? That Mike was blocking Mark Norman's face And then we got Bill Dawes big dick Dawes is back What's up, son? How you doing Bobby? How you doing how's your cock? My cock is pretty inactive recently. Can we see it? All right, can you show me your tits? All right.

Because don't want to see the arms. But what the fuck? Oh my god, what? No, I'm not. Did you just say what I think you just said? No. Did you just stumble on a fucking slam? Don't want to be the op.

You got nervous halfway through that she's gonna hear it. You're telling me, why is it the only part of your body that your show is your flabby shitty arms? I know, I know, I know. You should be gone. You're dancing your ass. I mean, I got, I gotta say this about Lewis. He really knows how to smash you good.

Yeah, I like that. He is me, because he's just a fatty, deep down, and like me. You have fabulous mullah arms The the cafeteria ones on of course we got fucking Lewis J Gomez the rattlesnake Oh fucking to do the likes Altoids because he doesn't have a dentist Oh, fucking a dude who likes Altoids because he doesn't have a dentist for the Keith Robinson dental plan He's still going to the dentist, he's heavy

He'll come with the rattlesnake He puts fucking nine Altoids in the hole in his tooth He lets him melt during the day Why we late, fuckface? I was here exactly on time By the way, exactly on time to the point where I started, I was fumbling with the gate downstairs. And I was freaking out because I knew I was going to be late. Here's a problem. This is why Lewis is just a never, we'll never make it like in life is because he can never go. I fucked up. I'm sorry. Literally half of his problems in life,

he go, I fucked up. I'm sorry. And everybody would just move on because he is a genuinely nice person. But he has to defend everything. I actually took a timestamp on my phone as I was coming on time. Where is he? You were gonna say I was late. Show me it, I lied. I was just saying, see you in a minute.

He's just a hunk of shit. You should be here five minutes early. I really tried. I'm not gonna lie, Bobby. I had to take my kid to get fucking vaccines today. He cried every time. I got a kid too, you fuck. He's not as cute as mine now.

We already took that and my kid won. But, you know, my kid's coming to Boston this weekend. Ah. We, yeah, we, yeah. I know. Did you know this? Yeah, I know. Okay.

I'm the one who got the hotel for you. Okay. You're staying in the hotel with us, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, good for you. You're staying in the hotel with us, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, good for you. You got your car, right? You rented the car?

We're renting a car today, I think. Jesus Christ today, I'm paying for one day. I'm not paying for a fucking five day trip. No, no, no, we're fucking, okay. Jesus Christ. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That should be your fucking nickname. A little like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Fucking pilot, Bobby. Bobby, this, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, put it in any of my words. Success, success, success, success. What the fuck are you doing? Nobody knows me. I'm here. I'm here. You fucked up. I feel like Lewis is on a less aginia because like, List and Soda on here.

I feel like you're like a soft allure. You know what I mean? I was aggressive. I already called you fabulous muller arms. I think you're a three minute. Yeah, that's like, that's nice. That's like really nice. That's not nice.

Normally, actually, you would have made fun of a comedy like seven times already. You know what I'm saying, man? Well, the arms are funny. Yeah. That was at the beginning. No, you didn't. Two summers ago, you didn't. Well, it's good to be back. I missed you assholes. You know, I missed you on the show. I heard

you guys did a great job without me, which is fantastic. I love that. Who hosted Dan, right? Well, he thought he was the host, but really I was controlling the ship. Really? I thought so. Really? Yeah. You know we were there. Scoboo was he was he the controlling the ship was it damn he was like the guy who thinks he's in charge But really he's not in charge Dan really is the guy behind the scenes that's in control Everything let him you know because he's a little bit retarded. Are you fucking delusional? Yeah, are you crazy Lewis? Are you losing your mind with crazy like a rattlesnake? I love how he went down with it to make the sound go lighter. Like you know how to control the mic.

Like Rihanna, freshen up. I'm a successful computer. You got damn fucking out. That is on the YKWD podcast on the Rikas Network. This is what I don't like the way he plugged. I don't like the way he plugged. I had him on the show. We did this special YKWD with Ariel Hawani.

I was very, look, Ariel's a friend of mine for a long time. I've really never asked him to be on my show. He's a big, how would call sell of MMA, right? I gotcha. Yeah. I did shows from the beginning on this little cheesy fuck show that was cool. And I finally invite him on this show.

And I'm like, should I invite Lewis? Should I just do a one-on-one, or should I invite Lewis? Cause Lewis will say fucking Jew and Fag, and I promise I go Lewis, you can't. Never Jew-Fag together though. I was an oath I took in that. I was like, please don't, you know, cause you'll make this guy, he's very corporate.

He's in the corporate world and I can't have him being uncomfortable, you know. I'm doing, I can fucking. Oh God, okay. scaring me now but okay and was I not hold on was I not cordial and professional and knowledgeable you called the owner of the comedy seller a Jew yeah but not you don't emphasize the oh hard to but this is not not supposed to have one syllable.

But that's not even the point. You did a great job. It was a really good podcast. And then so he promotes it. This is how we promote it. He promotes it. This is him, by the way. He promotes it.

Join the host. This is him writing this. Join the host of the Hammer Fisting podcast. As he sits down with Eril Hawan On the Robert Kelly you know what do podcasts he presented it like it was his interview And he was just using my show as a conduit right you know what I mean and it's him writing it It's like you're just say dude. I was I had a blast with Robert Kelly With Eril Hawanian on the YKWD show

But he presents it as it's his interview somehow, and he he conducted everything. I'm in the business of Lewis J Gobel's mother. I know I know that's that's the problem as he used to be I was telling some of us I go Lewis used to be this humble, just hustler, that would do anything for you. Just fucking bust his ass. Now he's just give me. He's a Lewis. He's got a kid, he's got to make it for the kid. You know, he's got to make it for the kid, you know.

I don't think he'd build walls, I wasn't even thinking about that, but that's also a true thing. Another way to defend yourself now. That is one of the things. Wow, you've got a fucking hobo. He did have your back at the comedy festival though. What happened? Remember when that guy was fucking with you in the beginning? was like, oh I got a good down there to follow him

Yeah, but that was not for me. That was for him Partially wanted to fight Yeah, Lewis just wanted to fucking get a couple swings in that's all you do have people's backs You helped me at C.B.s once. Yeah, I I Fucking first of all here's my problem. Comics are pussies, okay, not you, Bobby. You're pretty hardcore. You'll punch something in the fucking face, all right? But comics, we have reputations for being pussies.

So, and it just bugs me, that really fucking bugs me. So, I don't even have to really like a comic. And if I simply fucking with them, like my instinct is like, dude, I have to go fucking say something. Just for the state of- But you're a protector too, though, because of where you came from. You like to protect things that are fragile because you were a fragile thing that got

fucking kicked around and now that you can actually, you're strong enough and you have powers in your brain that you like to use those powers of your strength to protect weak things like Mark. Yeah, no, my dad wasn't stabbed. What, I don't know, you've told this story about the comedy seller before. I remember I bet the CB. CB's before. What happened exactly?

It was just a drunk dude. She was heckling me like crazy and I was like, shut the fuck up. And you're like, if you don't shut up, I'm going to beat your ass. And he was like, try and beat my ass. And then he stood up. And you were just nose to nose for like 10 minutes And the guy eventually back down this is during the show. Yeah, it was pretty intense nice Don't know is to nose is just fucking it's just it's so fun

Fucking fuck you mother of no just y'all fucking murder nose. No, no, you're not gonna fight though Yeah, absolutely, but I'm absolutely don't say that dude, but do not say the words. I will murder you That was my go-to line Look a mother fucking the face. I'm a fucking murder you. I'll slice you fucking ear to ear mother fucker Right, but really you watch bad boys to me The funny thing is when you were nose to nose with that guy he had glasses on so he kept having to push him up It was Joe List. Yeah, big blinker.

But so anyways, I want to talk about, I just found this out. I don't even know if you know this. This is fucking blown my mind. We're going to get back to Norman for a second, but I, I, Bill Dawes has a child. What? What? What? Is that she's dick? You just put the bonnet on it.

You want to hold my baby? That's how he picks up her sexy hold this dick. And a fucking walk in the park. It's going to stop him to get to this baby. Ticking a stroller. No, he's going to just dick in one of those fucking little chest holders. Yeah.

Orgobay. Orgobay. Is this like a recent thing? He just plops a fucking pacifier in the tip. No. No. What was that? a fuck it pacifier in the tip. No, it was a... His dick keeps spitting out the... That's all his dick knows how to...

He got a burp it. Oh, my dick keeps on spitting up all over the chick's face. My baby, a fuck. Good for you. You guys got one. No, we didn't actually. We were like, what does it mean? Why are you just going right there? So, are you kidding me? Do you have a child?

Have a child from a one-night stand When when I was I was 23 so this is a long time ago you have a kid your age Mark Norman is your kid that's what that's the big news everybody. Mark, you ain't built out a kid that's funnier than him and more success. That's what life is, right? That's what we want. That's so proud of you, Mark. You're the best of you.

So proud of you, Mark. Thanks, Dad. He was cock. Wow, you didn't get that, but listen. No, no, you got talent. Hey, I'll take it. That's why I'm talented What where is this kid and when what happened in Malibu? It was your kids in Malibu so the kids loaded no It was issues. There's some say raise issues. She's she's she's she's now she just turned 14 You the kid that live woman you fucked?

The mother's 14 Yes, why she hot Fucked the mother's 14 you're the 40 year old kid. Yes. Wow. She hot God didn't won't you ask me my kids hot really? Coming from the guy goes a dick pick at all times Literally all right, I do got a new one. Yeah, I do want to see it. Do you ever know one? I've do you have this can I see the new one please before? Oh, I want to see it I've got listen after we talk about go. I want to see it. Can I see each other? After we talk about the kid, we get to see your dick.

That's our dessert. Is your dick pick and your kid's pick next to each other? Unfortunately, yeah, that really fucks me up sometime. I'm like, hey, look at my daughter. Oops, that's that. Hey, check this out. Delete the dick pick, you fucking perv. You need, always need a dick pick.

No, you don't, you have your dick name. What's her name? What's her name? Olivia. No, you're dick. I'm assuming you a dick pick. Now you don't have your name. What's her name? What's her name? Olivia. No, you're dick. I assume you're dick's name. I call her a dude's name. Bailey J is name my dick.

You want a fuck Bailey J, don't you? You do, don't you? I don't know. Oh man, I'm tempted. You want a fuck a dude. Like you want a fuck a shimale. I want a good blowjob, and I'm thinking a shimale is what I'm talking about. You want a fuck a shimale. You want to fucking check this here's what you problem is

Problem is I'm gonna tell you boss. You're at a stage your life right now. We've you've done a ton of chicks You're saying oh it's not the jujitsu pants Oh, I thought you were going to a different direction sorry about that. I thought I was walking around with an adult and jujitsu I thought I was walking around with an adult and you jittered your pants. I'm in the village. And at least he does it. You fucking talk about it. That's all you do. Bro, what?

You don't know one fucking rule. I'll live it. Now you don't. You don't live it. You don't even know a move. J.J. Yeah, B.J.J. Mojojo.

I give double blow jobs. Dude, come on. I love to dig some of these. What? You want to sleep with it, you want to sleep with it, you want to fucking, you want something different, you want to fucking, you really turned on to the whole, the, the chick with the dick, and you want to get your dick, so can you want to suck a little dick?

Definitely not the latter. You want to suck a little dick. I do not want to suck. Look at me, look at me, look at me, you want to suck a little dick, I don't want to suck. You know why? Because it's safe. You don't have to worry about getting a pregnant having an illegitimate daughter. You can just suck dick right and get you dick sucked right? And it's like blowing yourself. It's like this fun thing you can do. That's why it is right?

I don't know. You tell me we're in Jiu-Jitsu parents right? So it's easy access. So you can pull you down. I mean, have you sucked a dick before? Yes, for a steak, we all know that. Really? I don't know the story. Oh dude, it's such a boring, it's not like I said, here's a deal, I didn't have a sucked a dick when it was, I knew it was a dick, so it don't count.

Wow, that counts. No, you knew it was a dick? No, I did it when I was a young kid before I, when a kid kids experiment, you know, circle jerking. When kids are walking around with slabs of steak being like, hey, you want to something and get to this steak. You know what the worst part is?

The guy I did, he was a nerd. He didn't even like a man. It was just a kid like a year older than me. Just some nerd, scientist, fuzzy hair and glasses. It was a good cut of meat though, right? I was a fucking T-bone. That's why I don't have a T-bone loss. Falei on one side, the fuck is steak on the other.

Look, when you see a T-bone, do you ever reaction now? Do you like the guy? Yeah, man. You know you'll get numb. Dictingles. That's the thing. I'm having bone in.

So here's the deal, you got a fucking kid, man. This is 14. So, where did you meet this girl? One night stand, where? In New York. In New York. Where? You doing comedy?

You doing acting? What are you doing? She, she, she, You're just a nightclub. She just, she just, she, She's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just trending. Papi, alopa, tuto beh, tuto beh, obligato, papi, obligato.

What's up? Yeah, so it's the one I said. She used to be my manager. You fucked your manager. You fucked barricades. Yes. You fucked. I love when his don't go over.

He just stares at you like it's your fault You fuck Barry cats nothing. Keep going place So you you dating your manager you know I did it was a one. Okay, you're a comic at the time No, I had I was at the end of graduate school. So you're at what what did you have a manager for? Acting acting. Yeah, so you got a acting manager and one night you hanging out No, she says I want to fly to LA make you a big star I managed Matt LeBlanc and Tom Jane did she? Yeah, hey, did she still manage them? No, she's why am I saying every sense? Did she make your big star? No, no she

She one fucking nuts. She's out of her mind right now. Okay, so here's a deal She hook up with her one night. Well, she hot old a woman hot was she was young a hot. She's out of her mind right now. Okay, so here's a deal. You hook up with her one night. Well, she haunt, older woman haunt, she was younger. She was 37. Oh, you're 21. 23. 23. She's not getting rid of that one. So what happens? Tell me, I want to know what happens.

You're out. She says, we start fighting about shit because she's a cunt. And then, Well, it's been hot since she's- That's the mother of your child. I want to sell that a little bit. Okay, the mother of my child is a cunt. Okay, so, she's a cunt and then uh... Elizabeth in hot sands That's the mother of your child, want to sell it now a little bit

Okay, the mother of my child is a cunt Okay, so uh... She's more specific She, we got in a fight and for some reason I get turned on by the fight And so we start fukin' and then she goes, I'm infertile, you can come inside Oh, that's Kelly's line But she's really infertile Alright

That's Lewis's line. But she's really infertile. All right. That's Lewis's line for an asshole. I do it. Nothing will happen. I'm infertile in my asshole. And then he had James. I'm the man. You can do any asshole. That's why he's so cute.

Yeah. She should have out like a chocolate funny. She's got those brown eyes. I got it. And then she called me four months later. She said, I pregnant. She goes it's between you and Matt Leblanc. Oh, she's crossed her fingers. Please be my god. She really got fucked on that one. Everyone involved was like, please be my Leblanc. Wow. My daughter's at the womb crossing her fingers. Yeah. Does she look like you? The kid my kid looks exact. Let me see if I can show you pictures. Please. I'd love to see it. Hope she has met LeBlanc's face

You just made child support That's 14 years No, that took a DNA test a year and a half later. So I met her when she was two. Oh Did she you're 25? This is so fucking I had it tell her she's a miss you know, I said you're a mistake But you fucking what whatever so is NBA every NBA player ever. It's fine Are you trying to bitch out with your fucking let me see? I got I got this photograph before the DNA test results. That looks more like why would you give it listen to me first of all Jesus, why would you give it to a fucking Lewis? I'm the host of the show you moron. I

First I'm gonna tell you that my exclusive interview It does look exactly like you. It's exactly like you. But I just did with Bill Dawes, a fan out of it, as little gym and child. Look at you. Show us when she's 14. Yeah, look at the bulge in that kid's pants.

Give me my phone. Oh, he's swiping out. He's swiping. You're a good looking guy, dude. Very handsome. Just give me my phone. Oh boy. That Bill Dawes' body is just fucking smoking. Give me, this is what I want. I want one scroll. guy dude very handsome give me my phone oh boy that build on the body I can't

get smoke it this is what I want I want one scroll I get to spin it once and wherever it stops I get to look that's all I want all right spin it once and I get to look all right and we stop oh and there's your huge cock yeah that's not yours Jesus Christ you dick is gonna see your fucking abs Here's a deal Billy Billy Billy focus fuck dumb fucking OCD Lewis. I want to ask your question, bro I did it 14 years. Are you friends with this girl? Is you a daddy or a friend? What are you? Yeah, my daughter is really awesome.

She's a stray student, but her mom is, you know, I send money and it's, it's, it's, well now her mom is fucking losing her mind, she's got Alzheimer's. No. I'm serious. I want to know about this. This is interesting to me. You have a fucking daughter. It's really hard.

Have you been friends with her the whole time? My daughter? Yes. Was it on and off? Did you just start up again? It's it's been on I mean, I've always been in contact with her But there are times I don't see her because my mother's like fuck you. I want you out of my life I know I see you again You'll never see your daughter and then she'll come back to years later. I was like I need two thousand dollars So there's a lot of that going on for a fact. Did you daughter ever need anything? Did she ever call you for anything? No, she's really cool that going on for a fact. Did your daughter ever need anything? Did she ever call you for anything?

No, she's really cool. She knows her mom's crazy and it's fucked up. But they live in Malibu. They've got to have some money. Well, she managed Malibuong. She had friends money. She had, you know, no money. OK, so she has money.

Not anymore. It's all lost it. So she's looking. She's looking to me going like, OK, you need pay for everything now. I'm fucking broke as shit. So what do you want? Okay, $175 a month and you're jitsu lessons though. I'm just saying I sent 350 bucks a month which is fucking ass Which is enough? Shut the fuck up.

Don't listen to this fucking shit. That's a good point though. It's parents are dead. They gave him nothing I didn't give him an education They gave him nothing. I didn't even give him an education. You know what my mom died? The government called me up saying they had money for me and my sister, but we just fucking, I was paranoid that they were trying to get one over on me and trying to get money out of me and extort me.

So I was like, now lose this number. What? I think the government owes me money. That's hilarious. I love, I hope it was a million dollars. And I hope it's just, is your sister alive? Yeah. I hope she gets it and never I hope she got it and never told you She called me to tell me to that they were trying to extort us I mean that's why that's not true. That's not true. Why would they extort you? No, they weren't trying to extort us

We were just idiots and we're paranoid because my mom was a fucking lunatic So why don't you hire somebody to go get you that money I didn't have a bank account until I was like 27. Wow Surprising anybody in this room. I'm saying it like it's a shock Bill having a kid. We're like, oh my god you being dumb is not gonna. What? You listen, why don't you get a lawyer? I should right? Yeah, they can you can get a lawyer and they could find that money They'll take a percentage of it, but they could find that money I they put a thing in the paper for me that Same type of shit

These people have a road money from the government you could have been a 401k I worked for the I did a I worked for the government data 401k thing I was paranoid too because I owed money at the time Yeah, and I was like I'm not I'm not getting fuck going to some warehouse and a bunch of cops come up like fucking with, you know, like a date line and I'm gonna be throwing a patty wagon. So, but you're case you were too young. You didn't know anything. You had no criminal record yet, right?

At that time? Yeah. 23? Yeah, I'd been arrested a couple times. Oh, you had. Probably. Well, that's why you were fucking bad. Well, I mean, not a criminal record.

Well, you're doing drugs. Not felonies. Like shit. Like, you know, I was thinking a right not a criminal record We don't know how to spell these like shit like you know stupid like that You should find out about that I really should. Oh, what if it's like millions? No, what if you mother but what if your mother or your father bought a lottery ticket the day got stabbed Oh, and it was in his pocket and the corner found it and they gave it to evidence and the cops had it and they turned it And then they won fucking ten million dollars. I would pay Kelly to Polaritor Tudys. How much?

How much about 80 bucks? How much would it take? Four numbers at least. Alright here's the deal. I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let Bill does titfucky right now. You'll never pay up because you'll make me do it first. I'd fucking give you a thousand dollars for that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In front of all you guys. Yes. Or is there more? Obviously. No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't film it. I need more. I wouldn't film it on these cameras.

I'd film it on my own. We would film it on on Lewis's shitty fucking track phone camera. So that would be grainy. We wouldn't know who you were. You were so much. I got mad you were. You heard so much. I got mad at you. A thousand bucks, that's more than your kid gets a month. That's pretty sure.

Jesus Christ. Wow, we just mad, Mark. Oh, sure. You know, Jordan would live with you. Because I've talked to so many. Basically, my daughter has to want to live with me and the mother has to have really English custody. It's a combination of two things which will never happen

Are you daughter doesn't want to? Well, she but she loves her mom. She's not gonna just say fucking your mom. I'm out of here I'm gonna be honest with mom has to allow it so it's a mess big dick actor in New York City Yeah, but here's the thing. I mean could you wouldn't be able to handle a daughter? You're out all the time That would how well she's 14 she can you leave my home? I bet you your daughter smoking hot and you bring her out. Well, you're like, 38-year-old actor. I want to see her now.

She's trippin' all over her. Okay, you calm down, guys. She's 14, Kelly. Stop. Nobody chases 14-year-old girls. Yeah. Help. Help.

You're a camera-ler, is that wrong with your life? No, never fucking Googles. 14 on a bus. Let me see. Let me say. Is she an actress? No. She is beautiful, dude. Really? She's a ginger full out ginger. Let me say. Oh, I love a ginger. Let me connect you. I'm on a weekend. You do this. It gets me emotional because I think of my kid. And you know, I think of my childhood not knowing my dad now And you have your kids a little danger and I'm absolutely

But this I mean this is she's a beautiful woman, dude You this is a beautiful young woman that you have on you that your daughter Yeah, and and you it's sad that you weren't there in her fucking life I've been there the whole time, just not as much as I was. No, you're not a good dad, we're trying to save that. I mean, it must be sad. Does it make you cry, do you get emotional with that chin?

I think if I have to laugh, so I don't cry. No, I try not to fucking think about it too much honestly. I just try to be there for her and let her know I love her and send her money like she's a North Indian Africa. Does she? Jesus. I Mean I'm serious. Do you thought I mean does it break your heart? I mean, there's just not a lot I can do man You know, I mean there's really not a lot I can do about it. Oh, yeah, I've talked to several calm Dude

Oh, yeah, the other way get your hand away from your growing He went oh yeah the other way get your hand away from your groin right up. Sorry Lewis please Cute girl beautiful for Taylor you sure That c-section scar says differently Bunny she reminds me of the what's that actress that's inspired her man Jenna Jameson No, I'm a stone. Oh, I'm a stone. I'm a stone. I'm a stone. Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah She looks like I'm a stone. Yes, she does. She's very pretty. That's that's unbelievable I mean I can't believe that and and do you ever go back and see her? Yeah, yeah

That's part of the reason why I tried to live in LA so I can see how much time you see her December Christmas what you get it for Christmas this is fun I got her the Game of Thrones box set there you go which I feel kind of guilty about yeah yeah because she's a girl and she's pretty all the rape you could watch all that on Netflix for free who owns a DVD player Did you get her a DVD player from a fucking a warehouse? Give me your HBO. She wanted what about an iPad you fucking creep I Got her a fucking Kindle Which one fire? Oh fire fuck it. Yeah, it, yeah. I don't fucking HD fire.

That's great. Okay, that's good. We're back in the game. Oh, God, man. That breaks me. I mean, I know that you love around. I'm not saying it breaks my heart. I know it's the stuff.

That kids have to go, because you know, low, the most important thing you is that James doesn't have the life you have. Who? Oh, sorry. You hear the Chiméria house. This son, you know, the kid with the speech impediment. Yeah, you know. First of all, no speech, drive. You're the comedian house. The son, you know the kid with the speech impediment? Yeah, first of all, no speech impediment.

I know that we deal with how it fucks you up. He's a fan smother fucker. I'm Louis Gagelman. That's my dad. No, I mean, look dude, it's so weird because like, it's, I grew up with it. You're the same thing, dude. I think you're probably the same way as me. I grew up in like a really fucked up abusive household like my mom like beat me with belts and wires and hangers and fucked up shit

You know, and I think some people they They they just take their experience and then they kind of they get a little bit better You know, it's always it's always a little bit better than the next generation and then some people go in the complete opposite Direction and that's how I am like I can never imagine touching my kids or abandoning them. Like Bill, I can never. No, I, so Bill, what I'm trying to say is, were you abandon as a kid and you had good parents? Well, I was abandoned in a sense,

but my parents were together and still alive. But my mom was a fucking drunk. So she was like asleep every time I came home. But I don't know, you know. Well, look, man, here, I asleep every time I came home but I'm not you know well look man here I mean it's it's just shocking I never knew you had a kid brother you never ever told me that now ever how did you find out I asked them well scope of saw me do stand about it like yeah yeah I was like he said it I said I'm gonna say I thought you would you set it and then yeah I think you're joking like having like you just

just for the act and I was like you Yeah, what's the joke? Oh Nothing I just it's not really more time yet, so I'm just trying to talk. I'm just trying to find finally talk about it You know, I mean in a way that feels funny, but also authentic, which is fucking hard for me at least Yeah, well the fact that you don't really talk about it tells me that there's a lot of pain It's let me tell you something I cannot tell you how many people like dude you got to be better daddy guys step up You got to do your thing, but let me go be there be there and then you just lose go mess number one loose J right here Vos from him we're not saying that no, but everyone does and I go and the more you get in that she's bipolar The mom is severely bipolar so the more I get in the more she's like you fucking motherfucking piece of shit loser asshole like you know I mean just it's

crazy I can't be near it you know. Well I'm not saying I'm really not saying that you know being a good dad I'm not I'm just I'm asking you questions about how it affects you. Do you understand what I'm saying? Because there's nothing you can in this situation look I chose to have a baby you know I mean Lewis just came in a woman and had a baby but I I wanted to have a baby. You know what I mean? Louis just came in a woman and had a baby. But I wanted to have a baby. Like we tried to make a baby. And now to have, it's like there's a difference because everything we wanted this. We waited a long time. We had a long time together having fun going to a rubo, sleeping, na, and not giving a fuck. And then we decided to, basically, let's,

time to not be selfish, let's go have a baby, and give all our knowledge to this kid and give it a better life than we were before. Of course. You know what I'm saying? So it's a job, it's a thing, but it's too, the best thing in the world, and the worst thing in the world,

running side by side every fucking day. And when you lose something good, you gain something bad, but you gain something else good, and it just keeps stuff, keeps falling off, but it's always kind of constant, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, for sure. But, you know, to have a kid that you don't know for, that must be hard on you because you have to make decisions.

You can't, you can't wish you wash it with it. You're either gonna be in the kids' life or you're not, and the mother's basically going, fuck you, that's a hard thing to do. And plus, you're out here by yourself. Look, I go on the road for two weeks, I disconnect from my family. I have to make sure she sends me videos and FaceTime

because we as comics, the reason why we can do what we do is as we can shut things we can compartmentalize things I can leave here and go to LA for three months and not care about you guys but not I love you guys I would miss you guys but I don't feel it until I see you again and go oh shit what's up yeah regular people don't get that You know, I mean regular friends dude you need call me for three weeks You know I was in fucking Canada, yeah, but what the fuck dude fuck you friends of bitches I didn't talk to Patrice for fucking three months and he call me up. What's up stupid nothing?

What's up with you? Where were you? I don't know fucker. I'm the I'm me too, you know I love that. It's the way it is. Yeah, yeah, and and you know Yeah, so the the the point of the story is when your daughter calls you up saying, I miss you, say, fuck you stupid. When you're fucking in it, it's done. The point of the story is that I have a hard time staying connected. That's the point of the story. I have to work very hard to stay connected to my family and be a human.

I have to make sure I have videos of my kid a couple times a day so I can see his face, connect to it, and feel love for him. Because if not, I get overwhelmed, I get anxiety, I get scared, and I'll shut it down. Because I'm not a protect myself. I protect my shit. And that must happen to you because you're out here alone. You got nobody sometimes, and know, and then you know

You got to shut things down wall things off Yeah, no it was brutal because she when the baby when the baby was born she said this is my little blunx kid God wouldn't do it. She said God wouldn't do this to her How's she's about having your kid? Yeah, all right. She's honest. So a year and a year and a year and eight months later I Took it, you know guy came in with the fucking hat in the briefcase I did Dene swab and so I find out a DNA hat we comes in like all fucking official He is like a fucking like briefcase like

I'm a bird like a sailor yeah like highson bird basically come to you know Fuck your shitty joke. We got it It's not a joke. That's what happened I got a hat in a briefcase guy. Yeah, it was scary and then I find it so then like okay I have a kid and then she's two when I was scary. Then I find it. So then like, OK, I have a kid. And then she's two. When I meet her, when she's two, when it's like, hey, I'm a dad. What did you do when you met her for the first time?

Like, were you just ever come? I changed her diapers pretty quickly. And yeah, it was very fucking weird. I felt like I shut down. Did she call you for advice? No. Did she call you daddy? Where did she go?

She a bill. She calls me dad or pops. That's cool. It's fun. He's adorable Could you imagine not seeing James like her leaving you yeah, it's gonna happen to go jailsin Jesus Christ. Yeah, like when you guys get like right You have the timing of I was a bad one. I know of a bullet I don't know who to give this band to take it. Let me let me refri I literally had fun. Oh, I'm not Kelly might do one right now Hey Kelly go when they leave you

So tell us what's gonna happen when I say James to like a few give it to her He's repeated both shitty jokes You merged two shitty jokes I feel like both does his daughter right now. I am lost. Oh boy. Bill aren't you glad you came to this? I'm so glad. Did you get the opposite of therapy? What? Did you get the snip after it happened? What the fuck is this snip? Snips. Did you snip the thing that makes the babies come out? Are you taking it in my balls? Can I just say something Bill? bill bill she's wondering if she wants to know where I still have to pull out

Can you just wonder if you can how do you step on my joke? You fucking fat Cut You said we're all thinking I got my venom in Bobby He said we're all thinking I got my venom in Bobby Stupid guitar keep rolling down this boy. I'm literally got him. She knows him. I gave her the joke He's really for him not for me. All right, so so now she calls you dad and pops and when are you

gonna see her again? Hopefully next month. Really? Now she's been to New York yet. Yeah she stayed here for 10 days with you. Yeah she flew by herself. Yeah. That's great man. When was I around? No this is when she was like eight. So she hasn't been here in fucking wow. Yeah and she hasn't seen me do any of the shows I've done. Nothing. Why can't she come here, dude? I'd love to meet her. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to get out of here, but I have a cut to the mom. I keep saying that on fucking a podcast. I mean, you might want to stop calling her a cut. You're right. You're legal purposes. Well, even that you might want to learn to manipulate somebody

to get what you want and be nice. I've Dude, I have you have no idea. You don't know what I really deal with something severely bipolar like So Lewis is on my show every week You any more questions? She just sounds like a real ass chick in my Your new cocktail I hate it what Is that your new cocktail? Yeah. I hate it. I like that. I love the two reasons. His breath doesn't smell as bad.

And I just like rattlesnakes. Wow, that's fucking crazy. Crazy man. But, well, good luck with that man. You know, man, it really does affect me when I see that because she's a beautiful girl. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man.

I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going to be a real man. I'm not going good luck with that man. You know man, it really does affect me when I see that because she's a beautiful girl. She looks like she has her shit together.

Now is she fucked up from living with this? I mean, no. No, it's how it's gonna manifest itself in the next few years, like I don't know, because she's still being. You know her now, I mean, you know now. I mean, look, I was in a fucking zoo. Dude, I was in Juve Hall of 13. I was out of, we're now, I mean, as she do, you know now. I mean, look, I was in a fucking gym. Dude, I was in Juve Hall of 13.

I was out of, I'm, the, all the shit that affected me from a kid started coming out with boo. I started drinking, I was 10. I started being violent at 11, 12, you know what I mean? I am, you know, so yeah. She's great now, but I always have the fear of like 16, she's gonna switch. No, that's a good thing.

I mean, I don't, I don't know, but I think at 13, 14, 12, 13, 41 kids start to go down their path, I would imagine. And by the way, I think that the personality treats are kind of laid down pretty early. I think I was kind of me when I was fairly young. I think it was a little shy in the first and second grade, but I think by the time you get into middle school, you developed your personality. Yeah, you'll know she's like a bet Shit fucking lunatic

You know, they say you develop your personality like two two or three you can see You can see how you do it. Well, no, I think in the first grade when you start to get socialized Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think you know when you're around other people other than your family Teachers and other students and you're going places and playing games and sports. You know, you start to become what you're going to be. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's just to be. It's like the foundations of it. I don't look to. I was wearing fucking eyeliner and had facial piercings when I was in the ninth and tenth grade. You know, that's not who I am today. But no, I was.

I was tranny. Build those fantasies. a tranny. You'll both famous for your chitchat. But she is going to have that 16 year old country phase. Every girl has that, you know, where they go nuts. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. I'm waiting, what's the six year old, how many of six years you

bangin' like? Look, I've got a lot of high school chicks, all right? They're all nuts. 16 to 48, that's the country phase. Yeah. I think it's the cut face. Yeah. Why there's a country face, country face? Then they get over breast cancer and they're happy to be alive.

So it's a good life. I really wanna bring this up real quick before we go to break. I really, it's another tragedy has happened in comedy. Fuck me, yesterday I'm Fred from Brooklyn I really, it's another tragedy that's happened in comedy. Oh, fuck me. Yesterday, Fred from Brooklyn, who's a fucking great guy, Owen A. Fan, I got the house, and he's a chimney guy. And I went up, getting ripped off, I had three chimney guys come over,

and they all fucking ripping me off, because they know you don't know what the fuck. I'm on a roof. The first guy comes over, rips us off, rips my chimney, throws it in the back and this is broken, you need to fix this. I'm like, I don't even know the house yet. I was still like trying to close. I go, that's not mine, dude.

I don't fucking own this house. I got permission for you to look and tell me, you know, anyway, this guy comes over, puts a new chimney, gets out of the car yesterday, he goes, I'm sorry to hear his, I'm like, what? He's like, you know, about auto about auto I'm like what the fuck do you mean he's like oh shit I felt bad for him because he thought I I knew but auto and auto Peters Peters from auto and George passed away yesterday Sunday afternoon went took a nap and never woke up 53 years old

oh shit did he have something like a disease or anything? Look, I don't know, man. He had meningitis last year, overcame it. It was like a 10% chance that he'd come back from, like mentally, but he did. He came back fully. One of the funniest motherfuckers walking. But I don't know if you've ever seen him. Have you seen him?

Auto and George? Oh, yeah, yeah. Those. Yeah, I didn't know him, but ever seen him. If you see him, auto and George. Oh yeah, yeah. Those, yeah, I didn't know him, but I saw his act a bunch of times. I wasn't like, I wasn't great friends with the guy. I really wasn't. I just never, I never did a road gig with him. Norton was, Florentine was, Bob Levy,

you know, they all come from Jersey, that same area. I did a lot of, oh, and A gigs with him. We talked a little bit. I was on O and A with him a lot. But I was, I was a real big fan, huge fan. Like I would go watch him anytime I was anywhere. I was on ONA with him a lot, but I was I was a real big fan huge fan Like I would go watch him anytime. I was anywhere where he was on I'd go find a spot and sit down and watch because Letterman was fucking he's the best his letterman was fucking great. It was disgusting I was just dirty just shitting on David Letterman the whole time. It's great. He didn't have a B plan like we all have B plans

We can go on Letterman and clean things up, but we can edge things up if we need to. He was what it was. That's it. You know, and his fucking, you know, his life story is pretty amazing too. Did you read that? How he started and everything? It's amazing. His, where is that link, by the way? Is that on? Where was that? I think it was on the comics comic or something like that. I'm just glad that George's personality can live through Mark Norman now. Yeah, why are you talking about it? The George who's a fucking, he's a dummy. The dummy, it's a,

he looks at acts like a dummy. Are you kidding? He's a bit of a leap, who's a dummy. Yeah, but here's the thing, that was really good. Yeah, but no, it's not because the puppet is 19 times funnier than Mark Norman. Yeah.

It's just, you want this dude? Really good, but no, it's not because the puppet is 19 times funnier than This dude I can't even put it in the wrap. He's killing it with the fucking Altoids I don't know if you want to fucking go to that shit down. I can have two snakes No, but he's but I mean it was fucking I remember the first time I saw him I talked about this all night. I was at the Boston Comedy Club on Sunday night, black night, back there, it was two sold out shows, lying around the corner every fucking Sunday night. And everybody was there, everybody. I remember I was there waiting to get on,

it was packed and he came in and I'm like, you gotta be shitting me, because it was talent, will, it was fucking black, black, killing it. Just the place would have rupped, like vibrate. Yeah. The loss was so fucking loud. And he came in, I was like, this is going to be, I didn't know what to expect. So I was fucking weird white dude with a puppet.

There was even weirder. Right. And he went up and he's fucking, look at these fucking crown. Look at that black chick. Yeah. Her pussy looks like a wallet fucking place when that's amazing it was fun I was like wow this mother fucker is fearless that's great

fearless man fearless he would fucking like we do it to always a derosa was talking about funny stories to about he was uh... the thing he he was the worst of rent rent will request i can't say and true request yes that that i have a hard time with that and florentapist the toilet it's a lot of the some of your son when he's older when he becomes

uh... and he goes into the list, yeah, take her belts. Daddy, can you do the rattlesnake again? Daddy, he's gonna get bitten by a snake one day. It's Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, you and the bushes! That's special needs, huh?

Yeah, but he was really fucking just unbelievable. And he was just on his own wave like, I like people like that. Like we do what I want to and he just, he disappeared, just leave. I like people like that because I'm not, I stay because I'm polite and I'll, even if I'm bombing, I'm just there. I polite and I'll, even if I'm bombing, I'm just there. I love people that I'm just, I'm fucking bombing, I'm outta here.

Even when he's not bombing, he's killing. He's just like, I, what happened? I thought I was sucking and he just would leave. I love people that make those fucking defined decisions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I can't make a decision to say my life. You know, I call my manager up, talk to one of the, I don't know what to do. So you're just gonna tell me what to do because I don't know what to do. I can't make

decisions. Right. And I think you should do, okay, good. I'll do that. But Matt, you do that. You're a bit of a weeder like that. Oh, yeah. You just disappear or do something silly and go, Hey, guys, the white spirit front and you just appear like a wee. Yeah. I don't like. Bies. It takes forever. I just want to go. You know, Rodney Dangerfield was like that as well. Really? Yeah on the set of Caddy Shack funny story He would you know he would tell his jokes he would lean over to like Chevy Chase like I'm fucking bombing here And Chevy's like this is a movie we can't just laugh at you. You know we're filming Do we have a bandana for a shitty story?

You can make you fucking swallow a ball. Bill. Do you want to do what I started comedy? Those were the guys, the fucking balls out comics. Well, the ones that I really appreciate it. And I feel like that's almost like a weird dying breed of comic. Like all the guys that are getting big now. They're just and maybe it's because comedy is getting more mainstream and all these comics are blowing up right now. But people seem to just be afraid that's such a funny

fucking line or push it looks like a wallet. But there's nobody that's successful today that would say a line like that. He would look at the public look at the black people who wants to just go, GELTI! Ah! Ah! Ah! But out of nowhere. That's great. That's funny.

He was one of the funniest guys ever. Him, Patrice, a tell, there's these guys that are, look, I think we're all funny. I really do. I believe that the comics that I know are funny. If I know you, you're funny. You know what I mean? If I hang with you

You're a funny guy, but then there's guys that are I Said guys I was good Again I said guys Yeah, not fucking silly twisters I was fucking trying to come over done the world two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two,

two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, Well, the polo's house I'm doing his podcast yesterday over at the fucking Colione mansion Christ that house is ridiculous. I've heard what is that Riverdale? He's way I'm not gonna tell you. Oh, yeah, cuz you didn't want me telling people on my podcast He lives in fucking Riverdale 175 Riverdale Street But then he tells me my my own my great friends. I was his throat cancer. I But then he tells me my my own one of my great friends. I was has throat cancer. I Go yeah, Joey Netty goes. Yeah, yeah, he's throat cancer. I'm like what oh, yeah, he's fucking up He's just I'm like Jesus cry. I call my friend. He got throat cancer get this

For meeting pussy nice That's the new thing you by the way, well, that's what we're finding out cancer a lot of it is just us putting our dicks Where they're not supposed to be is it that's what it is Dude HPV The rope that shit. Oh, yeah, that shit's fucking everywhere bro. You're not supposed to be coxing your throat. That's it What you're not supposed to be coxing your throat. No, he got it from eating pussy or pussy's in your mouth You're not supposed to do that stuff. We're not supposed to do that Yeah, cuz everyone talks about the maca Douglas thing

But if I put a dick in my mouth that has HBV, am I gonna get a throat cancer? Yeah, you never heard about a woman getting throat cancer from second cock. That's true. Because Jizz is healthy. No, by the way, I just can't show you why. Can I tell you why?

It's the same thing about AIDS, is that it's just a piece of skin that's covered up. Right. Of the ginors, look at an open wound. I mean, literally. It's a hatch. It's just an opening and it's a bleeding one. It's literally, you can reach in a woman,

and if your arm was long enough, you could go up into her throat. I think it hits something. I'm kidding. No, I'm just gonna have to leave you a fucking bloody carton. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. But I mean, yeah, it's an open moon. You can, like, AIDS, I remember when I got my first aid test.

Oh, man. The doctor goes, do you do needles? Do you do heroin? Do you shoot up a new nope? All right, well, do you fuck without a condom? Do you take it in the ass without a condom with men? I go, no. It's a hell of a doctor.

I go, I just, as we said, he goes, you take it in the ass, Bobby. He said, do you have sex with me? He said it the right way. He said, do you have sex with men in Analy? And I go, no, do you, you just have sex with women? I go, yeah, he goes, you're fine. Yeah.

I go, no, I banged cheeks without condoms. He goes, yeah, you're fine. He goes, the odds of you getting AIDS is ridiculous. Same thing I got an AIDS test last week. I was terrified and the doctor was like, there's a little eye raining guys like, you don't fuck man, you're not black, you're fine. You said you don't fuck man? Yeah. He said you don't fuck.

He said you're not black. He's like saying like, yeah, you don't, if you don't fuck man and you're not black, you're fine. I'm just doing what you did to me. I said the same thing, you're fucking assholes. Is a bug's bunny cartoon? Oh! You got an A to S how much I'm rejected sex

you have in Mark? It's getting crazy. Yeah sexy haven Mark. Oh, it's getting crazy. Oh Listen can we quarter first order? Oh, yeah, I was high five. We're gonna go to a break We're gonna take a quick break. Can we come back quarters? I got to I want to talk to Mark moment about his order Squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirtz-squirt got but you chick yeah single guy red headed Malibu it was yeah she let everywhere let's get on a break and now she has it oh I'm walking out of here we're gonna be back in around five minutes we're gonna do some peon and

some smoking and I'm going to do some reads and we'll be right back Mark Nomen Bill Dawes Lewis J. rattlesnake Gomez Kelly fat tate the stuka and Chris Copeland myself we back in five minutes. Haircare meets high fashion a Vedas holiday collaboration with Couture Fashion Designer Iris Von Herpen is now available for you. A gift collection inspired by our planet. Every gift is a celebration of artistry and nature, featuring high performance, 100% vegan, hair, body and self-care gift sets.

Discover Gives of Luxury at eveta.com. de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate un beca en fundación la caixa.org. What's up, you know what, dude? Robert Kelly here, and you guys know that I just recently bought a car. I moved out to the suburbs, and I had to buy two cars, one for my wife, and one for me, and the anxiety that I felt overdoing that that because I know I'm gonna get screwed. I know it's not gonna be fun. I was talking to myself in the car on the way there. That's how crazy it was. Trying to pump myself up. I'll walk out of here if you don't give me a good deal.

Ugh, I said that in the mirror to myself. And you know what? Then I find out there's a better way to buy a car. I heard about truecar.com, a new way to buy a car. At truecar.com, you actually get to see what others paid for the same car you're looking for in your area. So you know you're getting a great price. I went to truecar.com and found out what I would have saved. I didn't want to talk about it. I really, I don't want to, I wish I went here before I bought my cars.

So you should do the same thing. At trucard.com is amazing. You get a saving certificate. You just need to take your saving certificate to your tr car certified dealer so you don't need to worry about the hassles or the anxieties of the old way to buy a car. True car users save an average of 3,000 off the MSRP. So if you're ready to buy a car, why wouldn't you go to TrueCard.com? Negotiation-free, guaranteed savings, a hassle-free experience, and a true car certified dealer that is committed to a new and better way to buy a car. Save time, save money, and never overpay. Visit truecard.com today. Alright, this is the fucking night time doing this.

Because fucking Lewis laughed over the last one with this cackling, raspy fucking drug dealing back alley voice. My listeners are winning crazy money at DraftKings.com. America's favorite one day fantasy baseball site. You don't want to miss this. One guy turned 11 bucks into 4,000. Another guy won 100 grand his very first time playing. A guy even won a million bucks at DraftKings. A million bucks, it's easy.

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That's DraftKing.com. What else you got, Kelly? Oh, we got a special treat for mother's day oh mother's days coming up did you know that it's coming do you have a mother yes hey bill you might want to send some flowers over to your mother to my mom yeah to your mom yeah not to not the other mom how would I do that Bobby I'll tell you right now Kelly what do we got okay so we've got a great order coming from Sherries berries if you want a giant freshly dipped strawberries with Sherry's Berries starting at 1999

over 40% savings or you can double the berries for just $10 more, click on the mark in the upper right hand corner and use the code word, dude, is there a special woman in your life? I have a special woman, I got my wife, I got my grandmother, I got my mother, I got my sister, I got my grandmother. I got my mother. I got my sister. I got my baby sister. But, Bob, you should send something sweet to that special woman. I got you. Kelly. I got you. Kelly. Oh, you're going to send me some food. Well, let's say double dip in chocolate for you. And I'll say that I'm going to f**k. Now, caught. This is what you need to do. So visit berries.com. Berries.com. I'm going to spell it out. Be-e-r-r-i-e-s.com.

Berries.com. To order berries.com, click on the mic in the top right hand corner, typing dude, and get 40% off in 1999, savings, or $10 more, and get that. That's taping, dude. Not top and dude. That's fucking. Sorry, taping dude. Taping dude.

Taping dude. This still expires Friday at midnight so make sure you order now. That's the Friday before the Sunday. Friday before the Sunday. Make sure you go there right now. What's the website one more time? Berries.com.

Up a right hand corner. That's right press the mic and put in dude. Type in dude and you guys get what? Boom, you get 40% off. That's 40% off. Chocolate strawberry. Unbelievable. And I'll tell you what's good about off. Chocolate-chocolate strawberries. Unbelievable. And I'll tell you what's good about strawberries.

Flowers are a pain in the ass. Everybody sends flowers. You send chocolate-covid strawberries at around nine o'clock at night, when whoever that is is going to bed and they're, oh shit, I got a strawberry and it's covered in chocolate. It's good for me and it has a little chocolate on it. You know what, Bobby, I'm even gonna go out and

I'm in here and say that if someone listening to the show orders me something, I will give someone in this room, have my choosing a half a second flash of the lift tip. Okay, listen to me. All right, here's the deal. I get the cheese, you get the deal. Here's the deal. I get the cheese.

You got your Friday, you get 40% off, you motherfuckers better buy. All right, here's the website. I want you to send it. I want you to send the Do you get a berries calm? Where do they send it to they go to berries calm? Where do they send the berries? You've changed. Have you still got the the beer box? Yes, I do I think what what month is it? We're in April. Okay. I think I deal till March No, we're not in March anymore. It's gone. May? May, I think it's May.

First of May, this is like in the first week of... I don't know what we have. But why can't they just send it to the Comedy Cell? Send it to the Comedy Cell. That's what it's a Comedy Cell website. 117 McDougal Street, right? Jesus Christ, you really do come through, Lewis. You're like, fucking dumb as a stick in the mud,

but then all of a sudden you just, there's fucking savant that knows things we need to know Damn he really wants to get in here. All right. Here's a deal 17 what is it again? Lewis is one one seven McDougal Street one one seven McDougal Street New York New York and care of YKWD Kelly for stuka tits Lefton one zero zero one two left it left it for stuka. I choose the person care of left it So wait a minute if you get fucking nine boxes. That's nine people they get to see a tit No one person for four and a half minutes. Yeah, okay. There you go for an have me. You don't get to touch though

No touching you get to stare. Oh, nipple it'll be all right. So there you go There we go baby I'm very happy. I'm hoping I'm like in my head. I'm she's already picking me. Oh no Nobody fun if we send a pick of your tits Yeah, I can tell you already now who's gonna be a toss up between I don't want to know I can't tell you about it. Is that all we have? I remember got to Hulu plus all right Hulu plus calm right now You guys to Hulu Plus. All right, Hulu Plus.com right now. You guys know Hulu.com, which I've used, Hulu Plus.com is that and much more.

Kelly, let me see the ad there for a second. Sorry. Here's the deal. You go to Hulu Plus right now, you can stream everything, everything right now. It lets you stream thousands of hit TV shows, movies, writing your living room on, you go your smartphone or your tablet Okay, Hulu plus you can watch everything from SNL Jimmy Kim alive shark tank and scandal lost lawn order

SUV doctor who in community you can also check out their exclusive content Who lose originals like the wrong man will behind the mask who lose new docuseries that takes you inside the world of sports mascots for only seven ninety nine a month catch up on current shows binge watch on all favorites and catch great movies stream as many TV shows and movies as you want wherever you want right now you can try hulu plus for free for two weeks when you go to Hulu Plus dot com slash dude. That's a special offer from my listeners only. Make sure you use Hulu Plus dot com slash dude so you can get your extended free trial. And they

know we sent you go to Hulu Plus dot com slash dude right now for your extended two week free trial. There we go. We're done, right? Yeah, and then Amazon. Fuck Amazon. Go to Lewis Gomez Hammer Fisting. Use his Amazon link. Go to hammerfisting.com or write guess.com slash hammerfisting and make all of your purchases through our link, guys.

You already use Amazon. It's the best website in the world. You don't need to go to the mall anymore. Just use our Amazon link. We get a kick back every time you do it. Thanks so much, guys. You guys are all real estate. Yeah. So we're gonna actually, Hammerfist is gonna be the first show that is gonna get kicked off the Rykecast network. That is true. We talked about that. We gotta make cuts

and there's four shows getting cut. Oh really? Hammerfist is one of them. That's not true. But we know about this. But you know, he's gonna pick you up. Cave radio is picking you up. All the cave coming to radio. Yeah. Okay, all right, that's good. So you're over there. I would go to Santa New York webs. Yeah. We got a million listeners for two days of stories. Yeah.

I thought it was a gazillion. Yeah, you're right. I mean, it might be right. Did I mess up with the G? Did it ever G? It's a good Gillion. That's a good Gillion. Anyways, we're back.

Sorry for the fucking crazy. Well, you're not really kicking me off of right, guys, right? Oh, you literally said it for me one time because when I first came on I was so like afraid of making Bobby and Rob Spran's Angry and then I fun at this before I knew Rob Spran's was just a weird bird face nerd Like there's you I don't care if he's angry fuck Rob. I'm gonna do it. I'll beat him up Is that what you just said? Yeah, oh good. So um this is I mean we do have Conscious we really do Like he has a say whether you use the studio You told me that nobody would ever be fired from Ray cast. No, no, no, why would we fire you?

Why would you keep you off your great show you one of my favorite shows? Thanks. I mean Rob's gonna have a saying You just call them a bird face nothing Sky in the world. I did not say nothing but thank you for that because I should have shit You really just a dummy you know he really just doesn't I mean rob is I guarantee Rob's gonna take offense to this Rob will listen to say go what the fuck have I ever done to him and now when the topic comes up when I go I don't want this kid in the studio. I don't want him either First of all Rob knows I'm just fucking bust from balls. I love Rob's pants. Why don't you use your Revenos you say I'm knows that I'm just when you when you've a real snake. Yeah

He knows I love his show I told him specifically that I fucking love his show and they got to keep it around forever because he was thinking about stop stop Not doing it because it's a cool and tough. Anyways, let's get to your disease from your car. Yeah, no one in spill the beans. Oh, yeah, right? Well, it kind of segues from my friend getting, I mean, my friend has throat cancer. Yeah, which is from what's that thing again, HPV?

HPV. Human pepper, one of virus. Okay, which is the kind of cancer you want to get if you're gonna get cancer, apparently. That's the cancer you want, but he got it from eating pussy. Wow. So from how does he know that he got a big pussy? The doctor said it's from you going down on a woman.

Is it a tourist for eating pussy? That's why you got this. You got this from being with you, he was married to a girl. She had HPV and he ate her pussy a lot and it formed into a tumor. And now he has to fucking. I also said it's partially. Look, yeah, dude, that's true. But everybody's got HPV on their dicks and their posies. Everybody does give it gives them receives oral sex. It's

partially just natural selection. If the same thing with living in a big city and they're being smog, smoking center. No, there is a chance. That's not meant to smoke. What happens is that you get it. And if this person, the bacteria can live, there is odds.

It's your own human system. Some people are very strong I just I literally made what he said Dumber is fucking unbelievable literally I don't have HPV I'm just raised your man by the way you had HPV no no I raised my hand to say we had to just fuck it really

you know that HPV and you only this Chris Chris yelling does't make it true. Chris, I think you have it. Chris has a fucking. Why do you have such a temper, dude? You just scream to Kelly. He's raised her hand like that. No, she raised her hand to talk, dummy.

To say that I have it. Well, you said everyone just talks in the show. That's why I don't know that I have HPV. Yeah, but she's Kelly. I know that my virgin ex-girlfriend got it, and now you can. Now you can. But no, dude, it really is like, dude, there's a lot of things in the world that can give you cancer.

It's not that they will give you cancer. It's that they can't give you cancer. So the smarter thing to do is eat right, be healthy, exercise. That's the shit that's gonna actually fucking make sure that you don't get cancer. Not eating pussy or not sucking dick. I mean, you can not do that. And yeah, there's less of a chance of getting it, but that's just no fun.

Right. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not gonna. So Mark, but throat cancer. So is that curable? It's a hard one to bait. It's not right on your softy kiss and stuff. My little Douglas beat it. Yeah, but look how skinny, you know, you can get really skinny. There's no cure for cancer in general What are you doing? I'm sorry fucking scope. Oh, he's great on the sheet does that he produces the shelf everybody watching for you guys at home

But he knows that when I he shows me the chat room so I can make sure people listen to what they're saying because we're talking right now He's supposed to take me off. He puts me on just me, and I'm just staring at the fucking thing. There he's talking. I wanted to show with the guy rule how I was right. Yeah, that's not that. How about fucking get me, take me off, put it on Lewis, he's saying good stuff. All right, you're off.

You're off. So my mom had throw cancer. Oh, for me. He put me on, yeah. And, is that how she died? No, she actually died of a heroin overdose. Oh, shit. But it was after she had her cancer

gone into permission. Right. They'll do radiation. They'll do chemo. There, you know, there's a handful of things they'll use to combat it. Um, I don't know if throat cancer is any worse than like lung cancer or skin cancer.

I mean, I guess they are a little bit worse than them. I don't really know. I know that like cervical cancer is an easy one to beat. They find it early. Tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, tiss, Yeah, you don't want to get asked cancer. Yeah, that's what Paul said. Paul and cancer is not what you want. Because then you're just fucking. Michael, prostate cancer. My grandfather got prostate cancer when he was 70 and they said, look, you're 70, you just live with it.

Yeah, you have. Because you're gonna go, and he lived till he was 101, with the prostate cancer. Wow. But also prostate cancer runs in your genes and the family, so my father's side, there's a whole bunch of people that all have bags

and all those stuff because you're trying to get it. So it's all have to be very careful. So my father's side, there's a whole bunch of people that all have bags and all those stuff because you're trying to get it. So it's like, I have to be very careful. So here's the thing, you're on last calming standing. Ah, you don't want to talk about that. Not last calming. I'm on the voice. Yeah, you're on the voice, yeah.

Tell us about X-Factor. Are you on the voice anymore? I know. So you are done with them. I'm done. So why the fuck did they fuck you, woman? Well, because, you know know I still got a couple You're a pick. I still got some footage. Hey, I was I got sick. I had this disease. Yeah. What happened? All right

So I went down you broke up a you girlfriend. Let's start there. I want to start there broke up with the lady Why did you break up with your girl? You know, it was it was time is she she wants kids She wants a backyard. I'm a comic. I never saw her. Yeah, yeah, yeah We don't know. Hello. When did you break up with your girlfriend? Yeah a couple weeks ago That's crazy, dude Because honestly dude and people said you had a girlfriend for a long time and we've been hanging out a lot of her past year I've never known about this girl. You see that's the thing. I met her once Never people said it. I was like Norman does not know. So so right. So you had this girl for a long time

She's just a civilian. Yes. No headshot. No. Not in the business. Hate the business. She should have headshot. So you had this girl and she wanted to say,

how old are you? 30. Okay, yeah. So you're like, fuck that. This is the years that you really push your career. Yes. Till you're around 40. And then hopefully you'll make it.

Yeah. Hopefully, jeez. Well, I don't want to be like Bill does. Hey, you know, but yeah. Bill does kill himself on the plate, but no worries. Oh, he's right there, he's right there. He's right there, look. Hey, oh, there you are. Hey guys.

Why are you dressed like an R.A. of a dorm? Jesus Christ. You look like a darn fucking an extra engraison out of it. So, so you break up a girl, she break up a unit, you break up with her. Yeah, so you know, it's a crazy week. Fantastic. I had this crazy week, I broke up with this girl

for years. That was a worse edit. I got it. Let's find out how bad the edit was. I think that fucking edit worked. I think it worked completely. You know what I mean? It sounded like me. Ah. completely. He's like, no, right. It sounded like me.

Ah. Yeah. That's just Dave. He asked you a question, and then you didn't answer the question. You just wanted him to send other shit. Yeah, what are you going to do? Did you bring up a notice? Did you bring up a deal?

So it's going to be crazy. Let's ask the chatroom. How does he? I thought that edit was perfect. Great edit. And don't forget to buy flowers by buying by fucking strawberry truck of charge you want to see each other's that's uh am I in the mix uh everyone's in the mix

yeah yeah I'm gonna go fuck I'm gonna record don't do that just give me the money I want a brand of chocolate you think yeah you say pictures no no you're probably gonna spend the money on chocolate anyway. So here you go. I'm sorry. I digress.

So you break up and you grow. You break up with her because basically she's saying, here's your options. Right. Okay, I want to stay with you. I love you so much. I want to have a baby with you. How long will you with her? And here's a deal.

You shut up. Eight years. So here's a deal. So you're with her for a while. She loves you and you say, look, I'm done. I'm done. I'm out because I comedy is my love first. And I just feel bad for being such a bad boyfriend.

She deserves somebody bad. Yes, there you go. Michael Choi. Which women hate to hear, by the way. I know, but I've heard, I don't know. I mean, me and you are spoken about this. I feel like a few times. I remember once you said to me, you were like, I'm just imagining me

sanding at the altar, watching her. I said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe like, if you had to get married to her, you'd be like, I got it out of here. You could never see it. I think I was trying to fuck you. Yeah. But you still lover?

Oh, of course, she's the best. All right, here's a deal. Let me just fill you in on something. I did the same thing with my wife now. Oh, really? Yeah, it was like, look, here's a deal. Let me just fill you in on something. I did the same thing with my wife now, with a child. Yeah, it was like, look, here's a deal. You needed a break. Well, not a break.

It was, I needed to move to New York when I was around 27, because everybody was gone. And I left, she stayed, and then she moved to LA on her own with her girlfriends from Boston. And then we kind of found each other again, and it didn't work for a long time.

And then we got together. I was a piece of shit. I came clean and then we started from there. So it took a while, but then you never know. You might find each other. I would love that, that would be great. You might just need a little time. Yeah, you need a little time to get diseases.

There you go. Where are you staying? I got a new, you know, classic store. I'm staying in Bedstuy, you know studio What classic story is that you know, it's just like a classic star is getting beat up by black people That's a classic story of a homeless person Well right now I'm staying on Joe list bed I thought you were sleeping and he's bed. I knew there's something going on. Yeah

Weirdest bed of all time by the way creaks like an old ship. You just roll over This is a food Tony made himself It might be what you got You get her piece from a third account Fuck the shades Boy So so you break up your girl and you wind up going on a tear. I went on a hell of a tear. Because right now, Mark, I mean, look, you're one of the guys

that people talk about. You're a good looking guy. Oh, well done. You're one of the guys. You're funny. It's been a good year. You're on a rise, man. You're doing a lot of great stuff and a lot of people

are noticing and now you've got all these girls and you can finally release the cracking after the shows and have a little, have talked to them and have a little game. Right. So you go out and you start, release the Kraken after the shows and have a little talk to him and have a little game. Right. So you go out and you start, you bang some chicks. Well, I had this crazy week where I did my, I recorded my album, I did last comic and I did a half hour special in the same week.

So I ended up hooking up with this chick, blackout drunk, boozing the whole time. It was bagged so I was so stressed out, you know. Right, yeah. Boozing the whole time, hook up with this chick. The next day, my tongue is white. Ooh, I'm bloated. I've got diarrhea like crazy. I don't know what's going on I'm like oh my god. You were poison like King Joffrey. Yeah Stop is that this week's episode kidding dude you mother fucking you been not a I didn't watch it yet

Who is that? No one. Oh, I'll kill you I will fucking murder you you mother fucking rattlesnake Is that I will fucking kill you dude? I didn't I Spare a guard you cock suck out. I have a watch Is he dead? No. No. Oh man. What are you talking? Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. He just spoiled Game of Thrones. Oh. Yes, he did. I tried the books. I tried to put your daughter so I was gonna get that box. Yeah.

I'm gonna put the old DVD-VR combo. The tyranny of electronics. You know, it's still wrapped. Yeah, right. Look at Billy's sad. But he fucked up. It's not even a Sony, it's a Kobe. All right, so yeah, I got this craze. So I'm physically ill and I have to do all these big,

important moments in my life. Did she still there? Who? The girl that gave you the disease. No, it was like a hotel thing, my life. Did she still there? Who? The girl that gave you the disease. No, it was like a hotel thing, you know. So she's gone that night. What disease did she give you?

Well, that's what I didn't know. So I'm freaking out. I assume it's an STD, of course. Which by the way, age, you're not beginning any symptoms for like six months. Okay, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Trust me, I've had that scare.

But you Google HIV symptoms. It's everything you have. Yeah. You just freak out. You're like, I'm tired. I get hungry, it's all these weird things, you're like, I could have that, you know? So I'm freaking out. So I'm doing like, when we were at last

kind of standing the whole time, I didn't tell anybody, but me and you were hanging out, I'm freaking out of my head the whole time. Why don't you tell me, I feel like we bonded by the pool. We did bond, but you know, we got TV to worry about. I'm worried about my set too, you know, it's so much going on. Well, he doesn't want to be that guy,

he's telling everybody, now he gets kicked out the show because he's got AIDS. Yeah. Mark Yolman has AIDS. Right. And then they put you on. So much going on he doesn't want to be that guy. Yeah, tell everybody now he gets kicked out the show because he's got AIDS Mark Yolman has a Then they put you on yeah, although that would be a great story Good gimmick the AIDS guy We have that guy by the way Jim David First of all, I am not dealing with that I'm not a race in it. You're gonna have to deal with that up close conversation. He doesn't know how to work a podcast. He doesn't have iTunes. Come on. I should have said Modi before I get this delay.

They probably all do. They? Jesus Christ. He's gonna be a Jews or a gaze. Who knows? Jesus Jesus, who knows Okay, so so you're at the pool you got AIDS I'm at the pool with Decent No, nobody I'm taking in the sun. I'm living in LA whenever you don't want people to know that you you have a fucking disease from fucking Right me just saw Dallas virus club, so you know with the right vitamin. You can live with it I gotta see that yeah, I can I ask a question. Spoiler alert. Sorry. King Joffrey has a. It was on last week, though. Go ahead. Was this she the first one you fucked after girlfriend or had you already good? Delian's to few. What? Deli who? Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Delian. Del Tell you your already good boy Listen Kelly me sure Kelly up all right Kelly his ex girlfriend who two weeks ago

He brought after eight years of love and maybe he just said on this podcast He maybe want to fucking revisit it one day. Yeah, maybe you're trying to stir shit up that will probably never make that happen Yeah, no stir shut up Kelly easy with the stirring. Just talking about fucking some just be a dude Be a dude. She hot? Perfect. No, she looked like Bobby. A real big, big gal.

Big gal. Same shirt and everything. You fucked a fatty? I love it. Wait a minute, fatty. You're a fatty. What can you say, Kelly? Yeah, your next rolls.

Oh boy. So, yeah, so then I go, I do the last comic, whatever, then I go to Boston to do my half hour, the whole time freaking out, freaking out, but I just keep drinking, that's the way I'm dealing with it, and I'm freaking on stage and sweating, and you know, I'm trying to hang out at like a normal person, then I go back to LA, I go to the doctor, worst doctor in history, because I don't have insurance, and I had to go to one of those quacks at a fucking like a clinic Yeah, I freak like suck my dick right now The worst doctor in history worst doctor. I was like dude everything I told him He just passed it off. I was like I'm blow he's like you're getting fat

My tongue is ways like he thirsty. I was like well, I'm nervous. He's like your bomb a lot. I'm sure All the time is he you want tickets can I get tickets? How do I get tickets? You just want to take it to the improv. Read my script. Yeah, right. He was just gonna make you live long enough for him to get a free show. Yeah. Exactly.

So then I leave, he gives me a prescription for Xanax. That's all he gave me. You just need to relax. He was the worst doctor. Do you still have it? Yeah, I got him if you want him. They're great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where do I fuck you up? Oh, it's the bank. Anxiety pills. Please, give me some. I'm so anxious. I take them want him. They're great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do I fuck you up? Oh, yeah, the bank. The anxiety pills. Please give me some. I'm so anxious. I take them on planes. They're great.

Why don't you do the same thing I went this thick and he gave me 20 of them. I was like, huh? Here's a deal. Here's a deal. You went to the doctor and he, you, so you don't know what you had? Well, no. This is the, I'm getting there. Okay, I guess.

Alright, so I do last comic again. Yeah, yeah, I stress out, freaking out, whatever. Then I have to go straight to Joker's wild to do a fucking weekend The worst brutal. I shouldn't say cuz I am doing a week in there in two months Yeah, I said don't fucking up. The club's great the clubs great crowd. They're fucking I like I like that type of crowd. Yeah, but they are aggressive. It's like if you gave community college booze That's what it's like. Yeah, let's write down the street but they don't go they don't go it's all people look like Lewis and also the best pizza in the world is right that's true

that's right that's right that's yes so it's worth it it's worth taking the head on the game it is it's a fun gig and it was fun you get this no stakes you can fuck around but uh... so i finally get the balls i'm still freaking out still shitting blood whatever you should be blood and i'm shitting water. I should say but it was dark. How many days have you had diarrhea? This is like 12 days in oh, yeah, I'm a mess. I'm a fucking wreck Wow, and I'm drinking on top of it. So I'm eating comedy club food. It was it was a horrible mind. So you're literally gonna die Yeah, so you're on the verge of death. So I'm'm positive i have a it's i have if you look at my phone i've googled it like a million times

that gmail yeah yeah you know it bill does pop some so uh... yes so eventually i did a blood test when i saw this quack so i said fuck it i gotta do i gotta call in i can't take it anymore so i call the doctor the real doctor answers turns out that other guy was like a fill-in because the other doctor was on vacation. So this was just like a random guy

with a hat and a briefcase, you know? Like you've been saying. And the real doctor's like, Jesus Christ, where you been? You gotta come in. So I'm like, oh, I got it. I got the, I got the, I got the, wait a minute, wait a minute.

He said you have to come in. He's like, you gotta come in. He didn't tell you anything on the phone. No, no, he goes, you gotta come in. Where have you been? And I was like, dude, I'm not in L.A. anymore. I'm in New Haven. And he's like, you gotta come in. He didn't tell you anything on the phone. No, no, he goes, you gotta come in. Where have you been? And I was like, dude, I'm not in LA anymore. I mean, New Haven. And he's like, all right, well, do you have a minute?

And I'm like, oh, freak out. My legs go weightless. I'm terrified. I want a vomit right now. Yeah, it was so terrifying. He's got to tell you over the phone. He says you got to come in. Yes.

But now he's like, all right, you got a minute. Yeah, like pretty much thing. Are you sitting down? Oh, yeah. So I was like, oh my god, I'm fucked. But now he's like, alright, you gotta minute. Yeah, like pretty much saying, are you sitting down? Oh, yeah. So I was like, oh my god, I'm fucked, this is it, you know. I'm in New Haven, I'm in a shitty hotel. I'm shooting, you know, fro yo, it's crazy. You gotta do an alla.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Break yourself, build dolls as your father. Ha ha ha ha. Oh. You wanna be a ginger? Oh, that's worse than AIDS. Ha ha ha. It's not unless you like game of the fron

At least eight eight sticks around You're gonna know that you got AIDS right you can't get rid of it. Oh Boy, sorry Billy you look great huge cock you're fine Age isn't gonna go do an off, off Broadway play for nine years. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah. That was definitely cute, by the way. Hey, hey, alright. So, the guy goes, yeah, I was like, just give it to me

straight, what do I have? And doctor goes, all right, look, you have a thing called H. And I heard the letter H. So I just lost it. He goes, you have a thing called H. Polore. And I was like, oh my god, what is it? Because when you think you have AIDS, you'll take anything. I'm like, I'll take herpes, I'll take a syphilis, whatever. So he's like, you ever think about H. Polore,

you ate some bad shit. And it's eating your stomach lining, and you're so fatigued because your body is trying to fight it off, but it can't do it. So I'm on like 30 antibiotics, I'm taking like eight pills a day, I'm taking a rinse, I have to rinse this shit out because my tongue had spots.

It's crazy, but I'm healthy now and I'm back. Yay pills a day, I'm taking a rinse, I have to rinse this shit out cause my tongue had spots, it's crazy, but I'm healthy now and I'm back. Yay. All right, so you almost died. Yeah, pretty much. No, I don't. I mean, is there any chance that you can die still? I think I'm alright now.

This podcast would blow up. Yeah. If like after it, you just fall out. No, I think I'm alright now. Oh fuck, all right. Somebody else had this recently that I know. Yeah, you get it, people go to Africa'm alright now fucker somebody else had this recently that i know yet you get it people are africa and get it just fucking had this because i just google this

yet i had helico back to her plurie yes actual full name so i do i know about this fucking to see somebody else that we know it's a little comic dude just went through this right where where was he though is he near where you're at it he fuck a fact check where you're at yeah fuck a fat chick i don't know it's a good question i'd love to know you got it from food that's what i hear do you know what what did you eat i i think i pinpointed it when i was in Madison with constant i ate it a Chinese restaurant and i got the

Singapore noodles and i remember thinking this tastes funny but i like it and i kept eating it and two days later, that was it. Wow, Singapore noodle. Singapore noodle, like a porn name. Yeah, but I'm all right now, but I'll tell you, when you're that sick and you don't know what it is, it is brutal. Poor fat girl, the bad karma you put on her,

she gave me AIDS. That's poor girl, just wanted to fuck a thin guy. Right, right. Do you think you made her sick? No, no, I don't think I had that. Did you take a hitches that way? No, no, it's not. Like Astro, whatever.

No, no. So you have to eat the food. So you eat some nasty Chinese fucking noodle dish that was in a bucket in Wisconsin. You know, it's not a country. Were you at the state? A comic-along state. How great is that, Klaus? That's where's where did the album how hot is the fuck oh

oh my god the Greeks and in Eve they're so beautiful and the mother's beautiful and the father's cool and it's just a and they love comedy and they love comedy what about the other comics uh what about them they were a little weird little weird little clingy yeah they were not a clingy but they were a little clicky. Some of them. Do you guys want us to leave? What?

We're just talking about gigs in the road. You're coming with me this week. Don't worry about it, baby. There you go. Me and Luke. I bring in Lewis with me to the Wilbur Theater. Oh, boy, that's a great gig. Fucking pumped about that, dude.

Thank you. It's going to be fun. Have you ever done a theater? Just for that show that I can't talk about. Right. That's a great gig. Fucking pumped about that dude. Thank you for not having ever done a theater. Just for that show that I can't talk about. Right. That's a beautiful theater. This is where Marlon Brando actually got to start. In what?

He lived there for two months at the Wilbur Theater. Wow. He was homeless so he lived in the theater. And we also have a guest. Here's a thing. My friends, girlfriends, brother. friend's girlfriend's brother. I'm losing brother. Little brother or something like that.

Yeah, true. I'm on the phone with him once, like months ago. He goes, you know, we're talking about comedy. I go, look, and here's a deal. You get your shit together. I'll give you five minutes on my show if you want to do it. That's huge. I thought, you know, you always think that you're gonna do it. That's huge. I thought you know You always think that he's gonna go ah fuck that and you know that I didn't do it and this guy spent the last six months

Doing this great was the Wilbur man. You can he's ready to go so this kid is going. I you're gonna go up and you know Hey, what's up? And then you're gonna bring this kid up. That's funny as a special and he's gonna five minutes He's got to do five minutes. He's done things never He's got every done over mine never what a dog. That's great. I don't know, dude. He's gonna die dead. Well, you're there to fucking undy it. How are you sweeping? If anybody if anybody could fucking get a crowd back. Yeah. Can I make fun of him? Yeah, but what if he kills? No, good. No, I hope he kills dude. Good for him. Yeah, I'm hoping that he kills. By the way, a lot of times, every comic story, the first

time they go up they'll always end up doing better than that. That's true. And then later they suck. And then they suffer a year or two. But the first time for some reason, there's a weird nerves. I took off my first son. Me too. Yes, because all their friends are there to support them on the very little guys. I had no friends. I had no friends. It was a we know. We know. As a mother, no father, you still that way. Selfish content.

But that's fucking, I had a cousin just hit me up the other day. I actually posted this on Facebook the whole. We had a whole chat and a conversation. She was like, hey, I'm really interested in doing comedy. And she was my family. So I wanted to like, like really give her to her straight. You. It's telling the same story.

I just told that I'm possible beyond that. That went the opposite way because I broke it. I was like, you know, right five minutes practicing in the mirror, give her all this advice, what website to go on to. Where's advice ever? Why would you look at yourself? I don't need to look in the mirror before you go up on a silver and I'm like, look at them, where are you from? Nice shirt, that's a weird.

No, it's a female cousin. I gave her all these comics to go watch before that I think are great and diverse. I do. Nice shirt. That's a shirt, weird. No, it's a female cousin. I gave her all these comics to go watch before that I think are great and diverse. I gave her a website, she'll find open mics on, long ass paragraph, and then I told her I was like, look, it's not that easy for the first five, ten years, you have to really try to find yourself, you have to love it, and it's really hard, and it's just not a fun thing the same way. Yeah, too it.

So then at the end of all of it, she goes goes never mind. I don't want to feel that way Oh, wow, that's a smart woman. Yeah good for her. I wish I said that fucking 20 years ago. Yeah Fucking unbelievable. That was a long-ass story But the Wilbur you got if you're doing a theater you got to get a big rattle Can't have those little mini-elts of it. You need a bigger box. You are the biggest stage now, darling. Yeah. I just did the, um, did just fill-afts tour. It's, it's the smaller one that you say a little bit while you're already laying to, uh, I, uh, just did the, uh,

um, just for laughs tour. That's pretty good. We, uh, have staff, more abnormators of the, uh, on the show than I, what? Oh, it was amazing. Yeah, it was amazing normin' as a, uh, on the show tonight. What the fuck? Oh, man. That was amazing. Yeah, that was amazing.

This is fucking crazy. I was up there in these fucking Canadians, they love hockey. What the fuck? That's a, what's the thing called with it? Get the puck and they, uh, they use a broom or something up there and they, wow. That's great. What does that thing called the fucking Fucking queers up there. You know the best I guess we've had on the show today

We I was up there. I did a show with Three other comedians Mike Fucking Mike McDonald's who's this fucking guy. He said he's three showtime hours special. Is that the mad TV guy? No. Oh no, that's somebody else. He's a Canadian holy shit. Everybody knows him guy. He was a Gotham a few weeks ago.

No, sir. Yeah, no he wasn't. That's he was. Who? Mike McDonald. Who, where, the only reason I know because I know the name Michael McDonald's the singer, Michael McDonald, the fighter, and Michael McDonald the comedian the comedian really yeah, so what do you look like?

I didn't see him I just I don't think it was the same guy I think you're talking about the guy from Boston maybe if there's another Michael McDonald That was a guy I got I think I think you're I'm gonna I'm gonna look right now Take over the show loose. All right, so anyway, this weekend, I'm a main news guy. You're just gonna do it. No. And I sell and chill, soon and go at it

on the ultimate fighter Brazil. Shut up, listen, Mark, I want to ask you something. Good, what is it, fatty? Can you? I know that means that you love me. Oh, yeah, you're great. It's great. Can you, when you were doing the voice,

say that you were sick and one of the judges could see you were sick. Yes. Can you tell me what happened? Not on the air. Probably shouldn't, but it was pretty surreal. I'll just say that. Having.

I'll just say something real quick. Yeah. Opie from Opie and he fucked me this week. He said, he goes, Bobby Kelly looks like Linda Rods that. I got all these tweets with me and my face on her. I really look like a sit. I don't know how much, but I know how much I love it. What's her name?

I want to Google it. Let me. Go ahead, I'm sorry Kelly. Go ahead, take over the show. No, no, we can't talk about it. Yeah, but it was a crazy week. Has it never lost a job because they talked about a show they shouldn't? I mean, they said a myth.

I feel like they stressed it a million times. Don't go on a park and don't give We did don't face book doesn't matter but they say we've had but we've had issues here before we have had to go back through Episodes and delayed stuff because people should have spoken about yeah, I mean look more than anything else You don't want to piss off producers that might one day want to work with you again, right? I look I did it on the first That's a device from you, Bobby. I did it. I fucking pissed them off and it affected my career. Look, I did last comic standing the second year.

They asked me the first year I didn't do it. The second year we all did it because of the success boss and you know, whatever. And I was like, they're not gonna pick me because I am edgy, I'm too dirty. It's a too clean of a show. Realized dude. And I knew, and this is when cameras first came out,

the little casios, but they had video. I was like, you were way off on the camera. Yeah, way off on the camera. I was like, I was 100 years. Camera's with video. The little personal cameras when you could record like little video clips, MP3 files, whatever the fuck they were, right?

Go flip cam. And no, not flip, the before flip. And I was recording, I'm at the strip, and I'm recording. We're not getting in, like DC Benny. They're not picking us dude, and I'm like, I'm recording myself, they're not gonna pick me. Right. They hate that.

So I was honest, because I knew they weren't, and they were on stage, the judges were nice. They were nice guys. And of course it comes down and I go, they want you to make a face. Yeah. They want you to make a face. So when the fucking, when they announced the last guy,

smile. Right. I was actually talking on my fucking flip phone at the top. Ha ha ha. Like looking at my foot. We lost. We lost. Oh shit.

Fuck it. All right, we'll work it out. You good? You back in? And you're back in the room Because it's five o'clock and everybody's using the fucking computers now Suck a dick. We'll record and so I don't give a shit. Here's a deal. So we will keep doing it because you're fucking ruined in the regular show Be 35 people in the chat room. Yeah, there's 10 people that are watching exposed to the fucking 50,000 that listen.

So I, I, when they announced the last guy, some black dude, I go him. I know, I know who he. And I did all this to him. But then cringe humor picked it up and he ran a fucking, you know, he ran with it right and put my name in it. You know, like he did, like I took a picture of Jay Moore one day, we're on ONA and I took a picture of Jay next to me and I tweeted, hangin' with Jay and Norton in the studio.

They fucking Patrick took the photo, wrote this shit about Jay's hairline and then put photo by Robert Kelly. Like I'm on consignment with Karin Schumer humor taking photos and I get a phone call from Jay I'm like dude. I took a photo as a friend right right somebody took that and did something with it you fuck Jesus, you know, that was a me. I would never I would never throw it a comic under the bus Even if I didn't like you I still wouldn't do that, but then these guys I want they he wrote some shit And I talked about some shit and they read it and they

were fans yeah and then they were hurt by what I said and it was dumb and people do that's a funny part the all these producers are just 25 26 year old fans of comedy in the entertainment industry are you kidding me they're not 40 year old suits you don't give a shit I don't know he's been in the entertainment shit Lewis yeah this is louis did one thing i'm just saying i'm just going to jump cemes apricot is on the line hang on one second cemes apricot you are on live with ykwd

jim jim you're on live buddy with ykwd what's up not much i can do buddy you're mark normen bill daws louis j gomez kelly fat tit fistuka and uh... christopher what's happening

man oh not much i everyone i'm just checking in everything good? yeah we're going to we're doing a thing right now if you go to what's the buries dot com buries dot com buries dot com and you order chocolate covered strawberries for for Kelly and send them to the comedy

seller She's gonna show one of us are one tit Yeah, every once you get it's a second we add on so if like 10 people do we get a 10 second tit watch If like 10 people do we get a 10 second tit watch While watching all right buddy. I'll call you when we're done. You got anything to say to Lewis. You want to truth You motherfucker was 15 days ago Jim All right is it. I'll talk to you later. Okay. Kelly said nobody missed that because I don't want to interrupt the phone call.

But when we said it was a 10 second tit watch, she said it'll be like well watching. It was like, yeah. It's pretty funny. Do we know that her tits are nice or they just pack? Did you hurt it? Ah, I'm kidding, buddy Kelly. Just show yourself up or I'll really do what I'm talking about. Do we know that her tits are nice or they just pack a bunch of their tits? I know personally. No, we don't.

You do know? No, you don't. You pull the nip out recently. You know, I don't mind it again. I feel like they're kind of like our arms. Like Mula tits maybe. I don't mind Kelly's arms now that they're like proportioned. Like the bottom is as fat as the top.

Yeah. They're fine as long as you're like you're like, you're like, Jesus Christ. When is that? I'm a man. Would you sleep? Yeah, I like her when she's sleeping. Kelly, I'm a fatty so I can do this, but I like you, Charlie. So good for you. Kelly's arms moving pictures. Harry Potter pictures. It's like what are you, a Cubbingbird wings? I can't believe it.

I can get flight. That's like dumb-bozeers. All right. All right. Maybe we're really on. We really built those tits. All right. All right.

So here's a deal. What were we talking about? We talked about you, uh, fuck one more. Oh, yeah, we went off from that. But yeah, the moral of the story is, is that you never know and people are your fans. You never know who's your fans, even if they don't pick you. Yeah.

Something five years down the road that they're producing, they're like, dude, we love you ever since that. Right. Right. And we've been dying to get you in something and here's our chance. I remember the first time I was telling Jimmy when we did the apostle, the first time I met a apostle, they were auditioning for Project Greenlight. Oh, God.

And some fucking, I was in an acting class and some idiot was like, yeah, when I go into auditions, like if it calls for a basketball, I'll bring a basketball. Hey. And I'm like, should I, maybe, I was like in that point where I was like, maybe I should, you know, not pant in my, maybe. Yeah. So I'm like, oh, was it Louis? it Lewis you should do he goes you should do some stuff you give yourself business

That's not a bad idea. It's a terrible everybody. Yeah, it's a terrible idea. I went about a package of nuts And my fingers I'm gonna I'm gonna be nuts. I'm gonna be the guy who eats nuts I go to the addition and I fucking start throwing nuts in my mouth. Not knowing. I forgot that you can't talk with a mouthful of nuts. Kelly. So I'm literally mumbling. Huh? Fuck you. Charlie listen to me. I'm gonna go. What? I got a wacky audition story that happened last week. It's a quick one. It's a quick

one if we can do it. All right. Let's do it Let's do it. So I did I went I did an audition. There's a Tina Fey movie being shot and there's an audition for a guy who's always I'll be a rapper. Yeah, it's a guy who's always on. That's the role and it's like I could do this. It's all over the top It's wacky. So I go in and I add all these lines. I'm killing and it's at a wedding I'm supposed to shout stuff out to like ruin the wedding and I'm like, I don't marry her She's a she's a horror your game and then at the end for some reason that I was killing so hard to just y'all doubt Fuck them faggots and the room went oh I don't know where it came from I was killing I got my father gave you You have fired recently from a

Oh, yeah, that was a hell of a story. what's that? Oh, I got fired from AOL I did I had a huge biggest gig in my life biggest payday in my life AOL I'm hosting the hollow. This is Halloween. It's a while ago. I'm hosting the Halloween show streaming live from one to two every day for a week It paid like 5,000 a day. Oh my god. Yeah, it was a game show and it was a costume contest. And I was the host, I had a tuxedo on, I had a live audience, I'm riffin' I'm raffin' I'm killin' and they're like, be edgy, be funny. I was like, all right, so I'm makin' for another guy's gay.

Look at these Jews, blah, blah, blah, and then. He's in the Lewis Gomez. Yeah, Catwoman comes up, she had a big whip, she looks super hot. And I was like, all right, Catwoman, boy, look hot. And then she goes off and an African queen comes on. I yelled that. And I go, hey, watch that whip around the African.

Oh. I was so proud of that line. Yeah. But I said I was like, this is going to kill. And the audience just went, oh boy. So the cameras just went, like, just stop filming. The lights went down. Yeah.

Yeah. Awesome. This is day one. Day one of the shoot. I have a whole week of this to do. That's his day one. How has went down? I just turned off the lights.

He's being funny. Yes. Oh, there in line for him. Yeah, there in line for him. He doesn't get it. He's never. I'm like the idea of the director going shut it down. Shut it down.

The camera's eyelashes shut. And then that's your fault. I'm sorry. I'm hyperbole there. Come on, Tubbs, get with it. So, um, I think I want to want to want to show up on it. Oh, geez, it's been a fucking year. I don't know if you guys want to have me back.

Oh, you're the best. So, uh, so I say this, you know what I mean? I'm just in Dana out. This is the show. This is the show. You know what, this text me, he's drinking again. All right. So I say that line, we go to the next shoot, I have to wear a drag and do a man on the street and drag.

It was a terrible gig. Set a down bill. Yeah. So I'm wearing a full dress, like I fake eyelashes, a wig. I'm covering it up. We talk a little slower. He talked a little slower. I'm convinced that's not as dull as that was him and drag.

Yeah. So I'm in full. I got that's not as dark. That was him and drag So I'm I mean full I got a drag queen putting drag shit on me. I'm wearing high heels. This is not y'all No, this is a new thing. Yes. I'm doing it for the gig the money's great So the producer comes in. He's like kind of a square dude, you know suit guy He comes and he goes can everyone leave the room so it's a bunch of makeup girls I'm in front of the makeup mirror. You know with all the lights and everything Dress as a woman. I have a sparkly green dress on you like I swear to God huge wig everything I make Everything lipstick

I'm wearing rouge So so the the producer comes in and he goes hey Mark we got a talk and I had no idea I wasn't ready for it all. So I go, yeah, what's up, John or whatever his name was. And he goes, we're gonna have to let you go. And I was just like, what's familiar to me in my life, being fired in a dress and a wig.

Oh God. Did you know right away? Why, the reason why? I said, was it because of that line? He said, yeah, that was crazy. And AOL is attached to Huff Po. Yeah, so you can't fuck with anything racially yeah it's the AOL is corporate emergency yes it is but yeah it pisses me off

be it just as a woman well they told me to be edgy they told me to be funny yeah edgy got racist you fucking clue clucks I'm dude whip a whip with a slave I said watch the whip around the African yeah yeah African first what you don't call him that anymore Well, she was an African. That was her costume. Yeah, African. You can't just say African You have to put queen at the end of it. She wearing black face Africa It is genuinely funny, but I like you have to use common sense

I would have known that that's a line you can't fuck You said the end words You You're gonna watch the whip around that fucking Negro. I did I did fucking. I wasn't very good at it, but I see. We know we heard. I talked to the guy was on the show. Yeah, we brought up you. Yeah, we was his name. My was it Costa? Yeah. Yeah. We brought him on the show. No, what do you say about me? He said it was bad. You listen to the episode. You have somebody gets real. You're not a real ass dude. You're just real right now. The fucking fucking pop of shit. He said it wasn't good. No, we am kidding.

Go to heck. Yeah, he said you're a heck. He said what you said what you were was not that good. Yeah. He said he seemed better. He said what you tried too hard to be something you're not. And that puts you in a box where you are actually something that nobody will. He said that he felt bad for you. He said you're watching you have the comic. He felt really bad for you.

And he'll say your kid is down Z. Yeah, he said your kid's not your own. I said your kid. I'm going to punch Michael Kostas. But kidding, I just made it all the way. That was a great review. That was great though. That's how I feel.

Yeah. The thing great though, as well played. That's how I feel. Yeah, right, right. The thing is I'm actually like, you're in a dress. Fucking hell. You're the mom. How long have I known you? It still makes me fucking shit.

You can't guys, boy. I can't. You know, you're dressed up as a woman. I hope you meet your father in Italy. You choke on his homemade salami i actually don't believe you are in dress me up i can make it up for the story i know i don't believe you you're dressed up in drag and aol half post

once that would have had there would have been some that trans gender community are fucking brutal that was some racism they They would have been on that. Like, no. Let me tell you. It's a very very, you can say anything. I made gay jokes, Jewish joke, Asian joke. You can't make black jokes.

That's, I don't know why, why is the line there? It's not black jokes. You can make a black joke. You just can't, you can't bring up, let's like bring up the Holocaust. I did. You did what was the Holocaust joke? I can't, it was just something like,

uh, someone with a lot of debris. At the roast, I had a great joke up the Holocaust. I did you do what was the Holocaust show? I can't it was just something like uh, someone with a great at the roast I had a great joke about the Holocaust. Let's hear it. Um, it was uh, uh, Burr Crouch was the inspiration for the movie Van Wilder. Jim Norton was the inspiration for the movie Philadelphia And the stangel brothers for the inspiration for the Holocaust. You know the stangel brothers, but I get it in the context. Yeah, the two headwriters at Letterman. Ah greatest guys ever by the way Fucking greatest guys very funny brothers Jewish brothers two Jewish brothers that the headwriters of Letterman and their fucking the best Letterman huh? That's how you save it by the way so complementing them they hit three

Right, right But yeah, I made every joke in the book and it was all fine, but the joke about black people, that's the one. No, I think it's because someone complained. It was just because they did some plain. No, no, no, it's a complain. Well, especially like Huff-Pull, like they're like, it's so true. Like literally black people can do no fucking wrong

to liberal America. I know. So you can't say shit, you're literally your hands are fucking tied, dude. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I have a theory about it. First of all, tied by what, chains? Black people, they're tied to the earth.

Well, that's what they use the the whips full I got it. I did when I did the Kirby or enthusiasm Kirby and through I know fucking mumble that you did that the Kirby or in the end I was the New York's the Lempther peak. I was in the New York scene. I was a red-socksy Aggie guy with Mike oh Matt McCartney Matt McCartney Fucking funny guy so Bill Buckner. So, yeah, Bill Buckner's walking out. So, we're supposed to, they're like, do you name one more fact about this episode Mark? I love curbs.

So, here's the Bobby. So, what? We're walking out of it. He's supposed to be walking out in the show. You improv the audition. Oh, wow. Okay, so. How scary is that, by the way?

It was great. Really? They give you one little line you read off of a small little piece of paper and you go in with Larry and What's his name Jeff Jeff who's Jeff's the best great improviser? He's the best though, but he's the nicest guy. He's the one who I Bombed on my improv for the scene. He literally probably got me this one Oh, I just said you should give him this because I'm from Boston. I had the accent right so me and Matt are there I'm thinking we're gonna to improv we both come up

with all these funny things on our own and he's supposed to come up with style yelling at him so he did this bill buckner still have pretty rattled guy he did the show because they gave his daughter who's an actress apart on the show wow okay like you bill so so he comes out and I yell so he yells You know you suck asshole and I yell whatever I yell I yell You should yeah, you should a bat your knees. You should get a time machine go back to 86 and bang your knees your bag They come up to us they go all right listen you you gotta stop You gotta you gotta bring it down. Yeah, we're like really this is curbing enthusiasm

This is HBO. They're like yeah, you can't buck. It was like whatever. So you see Larry's like you know Talmda so it comes over and tells all right cool. So It comes out again. I fuck you, you know, asshole. You gotta stop. You gotta really bring. Wow. We're like, oh my God. Wow, okay.

So now it's getting weird. Like Larry comes over and goes, just tell me, just bring it down. I mean, say this, I say, you know, so now we're not even improvising. Right. So he comes out and we do this last take. We do the take and I say whatever, you suck and he says, you know, screw you,

just basic horseshit. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to do it one more time. Just let it fly. Do you think so, I, you suck and Matt yells out, hey, Buck, now go fuck your mother. And you hear, you hear just why would he say that? Larry's like, why would he say it? Why would he say that?

Buck this head just goes down. Like, what the fuck, man? Like he's probably heard that his whole life since that stupid ball went through his fucking legs. And it was just the most, and I'm looking at him like, dude, how is fuck you, not good? And how did you come up with go fuck your mother? That's what I'm saying, these things, you get all keyed up. You know, you said shit. That's why I said fuck to them faggets

But oh man, but I'm a Dorothy great guy. Yeah funny guy funny guy. Great fine. Great fine. Great fine Well, if we've learned anything from this episode Fucking don't eat noodles and was Right and there is a line you can't be here. You got a you can't be a real-ass dude all the time You're right. You can't be the ratt was awesome. Yeah, right, right. And there is a line. You can't be a real ass dude all the time. You can't be the rattlesnake all the time, Lewis. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. That would be...

You've actually lost it. Now it just sounds like altoyd's. You had it as a rattlesnake at the beginning. Yeah, you know what? I'm thinking about retiring the rattlesnake after this episode. No! You don't want to do that! That's your bestie you're going

You said you hated it at the beginning of your fucking bitch I hate you so much tell you bony What about the next thing? Do the Reddlestick that was Yeah, it's back You got to do it with the right hand, that's what it is We learned Bill Dawes has a fucking child Good looking girl

She's very good looking. She's very beautiful. Nice way. Yeah, she could have been a treat. She's a redhead, dude. I know. Right. She could have one of those dead tooths in a fucking dumb

ball on her face where it doesn't belong. Yeah, it could have been a scopo. Yes. He's got the thing on his mouth. That's not it. Oh, boy. You put makeup on it? No. Oh, that was a pause. Is it a herb you put makeup on it? No.

Oh, that was a pause. Is it a herbie? What is that? No, it's a burl- I'm actually trying to get removed. It's a burl- I get- hopefully they take you a fucking jar off with it. Uh, yeah, the whole face comes off. It's a tad. What did it- no, they laser it, they said. Listen.

Did you see that? Scub- Oh, you- Scub- Here's where you need to learn how to do it, okay? Be funny and not aggressively- listen. You you got it look at see that get it off I'm doing a wallberg face. Yeah, you gotta Angry you're gonna take it My whole fucking face comes off with the birthmark. Yeah funny Bobby. Yeah, you take a hit like a fucking mob guy Listen I was raised yeah, but unraised yourself you're fucking idiot. You're threatened people in the show. Didn't even threaten anybody.

Yeah, you did what you dumb, you saw it. I saw it, dude. This is what his forehead doesn't move. That's what's scary, man. That's what makes him look like he's dexter. There's nothing. It's because he's got fucking rage underneath that he's control, he's fucking the Hulk.

And he's trying to be Bill Bixby. You're not Bill Bixby. You not Bill Bixby You're the Hulk The Hulk was on TV That was funny I should have more of a land. Oh, so if it's funny, you don't kill people Yeah, fuck yourself. You're mulching That was just mean that's a weird racial slur a weird racial slur. I just got fired from my podcast.

Well, dude, thank you for coming on. This has been a great show. Good one to come back to. I've been away for a couple of weeks and I was really missing the fucking show and doing it. This is one of the funnest things I do in my life right now. And I love the fans for supporting everybody. Thanks for taking over while I was gone. You three assholes. And Dan and Joe and who else was on?

Sean Donnelly, Beckian, no, Greg Stein. Whoever. I get those two confused. Yeah. That's why you're not a good host. I'm one of the best podcasts hosts in the country right now. In the country right now. Did you do a poll? No, I'm I'm one of the best podcasts. I was in the country right now in the country right now. Did you do a poll? No, I just I listened to I've been listening to some podcasts. I'm so you so you made this choice What you came up with this? Yeah, oh, I mean it's up for claim, but okay All right, when are you getting that thing removed off your face? I don't know. I'm trying to talk to doctors about it. All right How are they gonna stop it's not a bad thing. Let me see it. Is it nipple growing?

How would any girl ever kiss you like I that though? I don't know you should ask B. Oh This is pro and the Mongols He's a fucking angry guy The way he said that I don't know you should ask you fucking bait Ask me and my b. I mean bitch. Yeah, no, it comes out like it doesn't come out friendly I don't know actually girl like with a smile. I don't know ask you can't are you a New Yorker? Yeah, yeah, you can feel it You had to ask that. Yeah, well, you never know, whitey. You should have written them like, yeah, okay, he's from here.

So, they're gonna, do you want it removed? It has been bothering me before. Yeah, it bothers us. So, it's just, you know what bothers me? I was bothered. That was funny. Fuck you. Take it.

I was taking Gorbachev's mouth. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha From 1987 and so from his old act Reference hold on wow check it out Reaganomics I'm filming my special I think it's in July I Don't know if I let you do I know what's as simple as that I heard about your warm up. Oh Not a good warm up guy. That's the rumor. I don't need you going up and going where you from where you from? What are you doing? What is going on? I did that? By the way, it's a because it's a small show That's why cause a small show

It's a same the whole reason it's been canceled by the way Yeah, good selected So I like to the whole reason cuz of you look like I don't get this works in the mirror All right The mirror Fucking Jesus Christ Look at I love it. It's like you just stabbed them. No. He's good Dude that hurt so dude. Uh, nobody they have the same they've bus in the same audience of 40 people He's good. He's got good nice skills. I'm not gonna sit there and fuck it. We're gonna have to. That hurt. So dude, they have the same, they've bus in the same audience of 40 people the whole week

every day. So I have eight minutes of clean jokes and then crowd work, but I can't do any crowd work with these people because I know everything about them. We know why you stunk. Wait, if you know about them, that crowd work should be easier. No, it was really bad. Look at, he is no good unless the room is on the verge of killing people. Yes, that is the only time he's good.

As when the room stinks, that's his fan base. Just guys who are like, fuck you, fangs, clears, and black people. I'm real, Lewis is real. He's a leader. Fucking Bob comes on and tries to steal the show in the real conversation. Lewis just yaps and yells and screams. That's a winner!

Can you introduce me to a fan base? Yeah, you really did just have a shit wheat smoke and fucking cont fan base. Throw my stuff there, I love your bag. What a cop. Throw my stuff. Oh, you're the same fans as Sam and Hill. Here's a deal.

The fact that you're naming your fans, I'm done helping you. Whatever I'm giving you so far, I hope it takes you the rest of the way. Because it's done. I hope I find you on a road with no gas with one go-mites. Where did it go, my friend? Five-mites. Thank you. Go-mites. Fuckin' ass. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Lewis's logo fucking real ass dude. That's a low-account. Are speaking to which guys go to rikast.com to get your brand new real ass dude t-shirts We haven't got him yet

They're not here yet One day I am I am looking into them We are gonna get real ass dude shirts for this fucking idiot. I'll buy one of those Yeah, of course you will Well, I'm gonna buy one. Why won't you buy the fucking, why you a go-mite? We should all be go-mites.

I fucking hate it. I really hate what you've got. I should have just let you go to LA. What it was I thinkin'. Scopo, he was literally a week away. He was out the door. From packing up his fucking thing and becoming a wix, he was a day away.

He was a day away. No, my shit was already gone. Gone? His shit was gone. And I had to open my in your apartment. Literally had to open my fat fucking mouth. Yeah, you would have been cast as a cholo in a week. You know, we've got a son's an energy guarantee what he'd be doing.

He'd be, no, he wouldn't be anywhere. He wouldn't have a management. He'd be out there with Nate. And Nate would have to give him the speech. Look, man, you got to go, man speech, let it man, you gotta go man. I said a month and you've been here for fucking three months. I'm there, there's an agorage, you might be leaving. But my wife, it's done man, you've been here,

you've been living in our kitchen with your wife and kid. You're sick of hearing your girlfriend cry, not. Hey, you're doing sling blade Unfuckin bullet I should have just fucking goodbye say I love come back whenever you want We wouldn't have to deal with any of this any go mites. He'd be fatter too. Oh, he'd be a mess He'd be selling oranges Right in the fucking middle of the road flowers. He'd be hustling some shit room. Yeah, yeah, some cookie factory Flowers he'd be hustling some shit room. Yeah, yeah, some cookie factory Good. Are you gonna show it's called real-life dude at the cookie factory? Yeah, you're too real for Ellen. They don't like that shit over there. Oh god

You gotta be arrested. He'd be fucking cuz somebody would say something to him And he they he wouldn't get passive aggressive. You know idea with that right someone some famous person would put him in his place I feel first of all I've had a blast every time I've been to LA. Yeah, you're visiting Yeah, cuz you're coming home. Right. You would punch out Bobby Lee in a second. So is he took his pants off? Oh, yeah.

The fuck are you doing, dude? That's not real, I was, dude. That's real, I was queer. I should have just let it go. What was I thinking? How long is this fucking thing going? We're out with them right now. We lost fucking signal again to it.

Just to shoot Jesus. Put it back up brother if you can. Alright so what do we got? Mark, what do you got brother? Can I plug a couple things? Please, this is coming out next week, right? We've got a few in the can so it's up to you. Let's put this one out next week, okay? This one comes out next Monday.

Alright, check out my podcast, Tuesdays with Thories with Joe List. Millions. Millions and billions of listeners. We get tons of gifts. It's amazing. Really? No. Kelly was going to leave my shop. What do you get? I used to get gifts here. Yeah. Then check in. I'll go to the Twitter at Mark Norman. Check out my website. Mark Owen come. One of the funniest guys coming up. everybody knows about him Everybody you've heard about him if you haven't you're an idiot his standup is amazing. He's the quickest motherfucker around So make sure you go follow him and Joe their podcast over at the fucking

Other now, yeah, stand no those legit numbers and also Norman one of the best roasters I've ever seen Oh really? Like you don't want to fucking I've been roasted by him today. It's fine've ever seen. Oh, really? Heels, like you don't wanna fucking fucking damn it. I've been roasted by him today, it's fine, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Alright, so, Dawes, what do you got besides a daughter? Hey! Ha!

I'm doing, I'm doing, comedy juice, the 22nd at Gotham. Okay, that's paid gig. That was fun. You can't fuck with funny Dawes, freaking. I know you wanna fucking give him an uma plata You can send that 25 bucks right to Malibu Let's get now it's getting fucking dark. Sorry does I want to get guys. Oh, that's in this random, but come use Tuesday's a good one

That's it website. What do you play? Oh, yeah, you can go see my play it closed, but there are pictures of it online. Jesus How was it? How was it? It was two months and it didn't it didn't take we were the the flop of the season Thought you know, can you be positive please? I want to be positive, but it's a fucked up situation my life right now It's fucked up time. Yeah, you know your daughter feels I was talking to you want to why your kids gonna become fucking recarded tell his arms do look pregnant all right all right we all go through that shit so don't fucking worry about we all go through that shit. So I don't fucking worry about we all go through everything's going great and then it just disappears Right, right. You know what I mean? Hopefully Lewis goes through it more You'll feel what you're feeling my my Broadway show clothes the same time the the baby mama one crazy and drove

Part 2 a tree so it's a it's a it was a tough week. That's all right brother. You're here. You're doing your jizzo You got a big meal. Yeah. You're a funny mother. I know I have a bigger cock. Look how small his hands are. He's like carny hands. I got the smallest cock. I got to I got a pretty small way. Yeah. But you're funny. It may not be long, but it is thin. Yeah. Yeah. You get the long and thin one. Yeah. I got a look at one of those spaceships from Star Wars. I didn't know the name of the spaceship, I got a flip. It's like one of those spaceships from Star Wars. I didn't know the name of the spaceship. I got a pixie stick here.

What is it called? X-wing fighter? X-wing fighter. Can somebody say one more not funny thing about Marxist? Where's the one more out here? See, it doesn't work if you admit that it's small then the jokes are fucked, you know. All right, so, Bill, yeah, check out Bill on Twitter

and check out his show. He's a very funny guy, great guy. All right. So, Bill, yeah, check out Bill on Twitter and check out his show. He's a very funny guy, great guy. Great guy. And Lewis, what do you got, brother? Guys, check me out May 2nd and 3rd, me and Chris Scopo, Joker's Wild and only Perez from the Hammer Fisting podcast. Hi, I need you. Joker's Wild, two nights, three shows, come and check us out.

Visit me on my website, KellyFastookaSucks.com, that really is the website, guys. Go check it. Check on my website Kelly for stucasucks.com that really is the website guys go check it check out my other dates all around the country. Also guys follow me on Twitter at Lewis J Gomez I'm almost at 2700 so I do feel 300 more I'll feel like a real person. You're almost near Kelly. You got 4,000. Yeah. I have a 4,000.

You flash those tips. Might get a few more. I'm a full thousand if I should have tips I'm gonna be more I'll be how about I and and well this this show is gonna be out by the time we come back But it would be a good show we had a great time we had a great time Boston guys Lewis didn't fucking step over a boundary once and make me mad nice Do you really say that? Yeah That he is fucking a nice person I'm gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that.

You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that.

You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that.

You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that.

You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have way. Yeah, you got fat. You're fat now. Be fat. That's my advice. Oh my God. No, because I've been there. And I'm coming down, but I'm still listening. Listen, I think you're pretty fat. You need to meet a fat guy. Yeah, I love fat dudes so much.

I love them. She dated Jessica Kiersen. What the fuck does that make? I'm sorry. I love Jess. She's the best. I love it. You gotta say that after you said that.

Yeah. Skopo, what do you got? Oh, I see me on Twitter. That Chris Skopo. That's really it. Are you? Are you? Are you?

Are you becoming a serial killer? Yeah. Oh, I mean, what do you want me to say? Skopo, I don't know maybe something nice Zip to it. I view this is good. What do you got scope oh follow me on Twitter? I'm worried about the camera the cameras are all fucked up so I'm worried about this I'm trying to get everything you'd be worried and still give you a dates with a fucking little zinc to it I don't only have that many dates Bobby, but uh, I got

With Lewis. Yeah, so plug that again. We just plugged it. Oh god May 1st Well, are we doing something in June 2? June, I think we do got a June. I don't know the date though. It's one nighter. Yeah, see if he didn't take his wife I was gonna tell him to take you to the fucking Wilbur gig, you know that Take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me the fucking Wilbur gig. You know that? We have a whole lot of time out. We can still take him to the Wilbur gig. Take me, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, we're on the head. I'm gonna let him, now it's you and your wife in the whole thing.

He can drive because then we don't rent a car. And that money, hold on, the money, we were gonna spend on the car, it's cheaper to rent in the hotel room. Ah. You better more financially viable. What about Kelly? I know, what kind of...

Kelly, just, I don't know, he just put me in a pickle. I know, I always lose it to people with cars always. That's it, that's it, the car. Yeah, that's it. Because I'm an expense, if you have to bring me out there. Yeah! Yes. All right.

Well, you're a human airbag. Yeah. I will work this out after the show, but I don't, I was kidding. Oh, all right. No, but no, let's, let's, I mean, we, if that's what you, I don't know. I can't tell you. I got, anyways, I got a thing for that, that Taylor chick who runs the Wilbur, she's kind of cute.

She's beautiful. Yeah. You know, she's, boom rake. Yeah. I can give her your, you have. I'm checking out. What do I got? Scopo? Alrighty, Bobby Kelly. May 1st, he's at the Harris and Atlantic sitting in Jersey.

I'm with me in Niktopalo headlining. So we did it already up in the Catskills, where the fuck we were. Unbelievable show. He went out first, that a follow-up, but you know, I don't give a fuck. Next funny, but I got what I got. We both do it, we got it, but I got what I got, we both do it we guys,

but he was a great show, he killed it. Fucking a night did crowd work, which I really see him, though, he fucked with the crowd a little bit, and then he went into, he's fucking so fucking funny, man. Scary funny. He's the best. God damn it, so me and him, May 1st, Harris, Atlantic City, New Jersey, what else?

May 2nd, 3rd, you're at the stress factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Check that out. Friday, Saturday night. The 10th, you're at the chance in Pekipsi, New York. June 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th. You're at Ulfahal Comedy Club in Marco, Ireland. Bam. And then I'm going back to San Francisco. I got a lot of dates. Go to Robert Kelly Live.com For all my dates, make sure you get your tickets if you're gonna get of dates. Go to Robert Kelly live.com for all my dates. Make sure you get your tickets if you're going to get them now. Don't make me wait that week. You fucking is anybody can come and then you guys walk in before show. And if you listen to the podcast, say you're fan of the podcast, not just to me, to everybody in

this room, all the people on the show, if you listen to them or you hear them, I heard about them from this show, after the show, just go up and say, fan to the podcast. Listen to the YKWD, let us know that you're there. You guys are the best fans in the fucking world. Thank you for supporting not only this show, but also supporting all the comics on the show and our live stand-up comedy. Do I have anything else I got to tell them? I think that's it, right?

Oh, Dan. Dan's it right. Oh, oh, Dan Dan tonight this is not gonna matter to you listening to show money, but you guys listening live all fuck the Foriel fucked up. I lost it again. She's so it's really no point telling anybody Dan was on Conan. He crushed it. Go back and Dan had a meltdown a commitment to this He said some black joke about whipping Africans and they fucking kick them off. He went right into the Russian voice.

He does a lot of voices, I saw him run this day. Well, go down the alley. Do it right. Blah, blah, blah. This is bad joke. This is almost a vampire. All right, you guys, thanks for listening to the show. You know what this

You've been listening to the YKWD podcast Thanks for listening Now go back to your shitty jobs shitty jobs Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet and They're all free con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, linces de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fli-parás! ¡Wuelades de madrida, Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros! Volotea.

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