Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Guest Host Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Bert Kreischer guest hosts YKWD, with guests Jared Logan, Joe List, Dave Smith, Chris Scopo and Deepu Gill. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Yor listening to Robert Kelly's? You know what, dude. On the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Baseball is here at last.

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This is gonna be a cost-defying podcast. It's no rules. What are the mic assholes? I'm sure I've already sent you the recording. Can I get a mic? Oh, what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and

he happens. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes's just us sitting down, and he happens. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's 10 no topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin. That's how it all holds. That's your mother part. I don't want to do anything.

My podcast is popular enough where I might affect some of these lines. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on lightcast.com Should we just let it sit there silent for a little bit? People skip through that anyway, everyone just goes fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. Hey guys, welcome to Ryecast Studios. My name is Albert Charles Christre III, aka Bert Christre, aka other things. And I am above the comedy seller, and I am guest hosting. You know what, did? I talked about me yesterday,

and I put about me on the phone with the guy he hadn't spoken to. And 13 years, I'm not quite honest. I'm not sure he wanted to speak to him, but I put him on the phone anyway. I merged calls, that's an aggressive, that's like a molestation of fucking privacy. Just clink, and he was like, ah, hey, how you doing? Good to hear you from you.

I am here with a bunch of comics. I'm horrible with names, so I will let the got Chris. Chris, I'll let the interview. I'll let a mussely guy. Yeah. You know, not really that important. So, uh, Chris Copo, here you go. To my right, we have the truth is back.

Joe lists everybody. Hello everybody. Been a long time. Yeah, he's been on a while. A lot of years. He's changed and I hit everything that's happened. He's new music. Bobby's not here?

Dave is here I'm right here. I'm not I'm not okay with it either. Yeah The camera is it's great camera E now. This is like an actual TV show I didn't get asked if I wanted coffee. I don't like Joe's fucking green smoothie attitude that he's got Yeah, I said I'll kale and pineapple and allo. And they always give me a deal down here because I'm more of four customers. Allo is the weird one.

You can eat allo, did you know that? Yeah, I thought it was supposed to be really good for your skin. It's supposed to be really good for your stomach. If you have it with a pulp, it does the same thing it does for your healing on your skin when you get sunburned for a sour stomach. Well they say anything you put in your skin

is like essentially congesting or adjusting. Yeah, that's how what's his name? You have acid and he puts you put it in his headband. Jimmy Hendrix. Oh wow. I think you guys are all a bunch of fags. I'll be over here with my acne and diarrhea, drinking coffee like a man.

Oh, that was my intro. That ray of sunshine is Dave Smith, everybody. Hello. Comic Dave Smith. I mean, you have another great guest. Jared Logan, everybody. Hi, and I'm drinking Lannolin. You go below, Bob. Some and I'm drinking Lannolin.

I'm ginkgo below here. If you try putting buttermilk on your face it makes you looking younger not to any of you fucking guys need it but at my age. How old are you guys? I'm 32. Oh fucking 33. I was having kids at 32. 28. 28, 35, so. Jesus Christ. Oh, the Uber. 42. I knew you were going to go. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was good for 42. I mean, the same one I was 25 years old, thinking I'd be fucking famous within a week. I literally was like, this is going to happen pretty fucking quick. And then at 26, I started doing stand-up. I'm like, Dude, doesn't everyone like, think everyone when you start comedy,

you do just have this track that's so much faster than what actually, I mean, I guess for some people it works out great, but like, we're like, okay, so by four years, I'll be like a national headliner. Six years, you know, I'll do my special. I have no TV shots. Yeah, it's like, it's the same thing I do with Tiger Woods did with Jack Nicholas.

Like I had a, I will judge my career based on people who like a timeline this like Non-existent timeline of where everyone else was right and where they got it certain times. Did you go up to like Eddie Murphy? No, no, no, no, you got it. You got to do like Judith Friedlander like this was my first It was due to Jim Bobby Dane Cook like those are the guys I looked at and I I was like, okay, if I can get into that pacing of like, it was like a sliding scale. Like you could get like a fucking snickers commercial like Juda, and then you'd be like, okay, I'm good, 125,000.

So that was the way I looked at it when I started. But then I fucking leapfrogged everyone. Yeah, now you're at the top of the entertainment pyramid. Yeah, I mean, I'm the fucking, I'm the wolf. I was the opposite of that, which is that like, I was so probably so afraid that I won't succeed. Still am, that like, I'm like, I'm like, fuck it, man. I don't even wanna do any of that shit.

Be famous, it's garbage. All it is is being fake. I say that about film, people go, do you wanna get in film? I don't even fucking want to do that, dude Yeah, I'm happy in television. Yeah, my career is turning down a series of opportunities nobody is offering So before they offered Like no, I'm not into that. I'm not into the hosting of that that would be stupid Oh, hey Jared have you met Steve from HBO like no, thank you Steve I'm not doing it

It starts with SNL we all turn down SNL in our head I'm not a character guy handle doing impressions. I wouldn't like it's back. I don't want to get in that show Yeah, what about gonna be Darryl Hammond no thanks. Yeah, no silly costumes man. I tell I love it's a great. It's an amazing thing how how like comedians at like a like an open-micro level like the bottom the lowest Lowest level of comedy, I'm sure lots of people are narcissistic, but they will so just discount. You know, it'll just be like,

oh, did you see who lower and Michaels like picked? What an idiot. You know, like, yeah, he probably doesn't know what he's doing. He's only been running the most successful show. You know, like, I remember when Dane was huge, that was a guy that, like, comics loved to hate for what I always thought he was really funny, but like, comics loved to kind of hate undone.

And it's like these open mics, but like, oh, did you see vicious circle, it sucks. And you're like, are you not even a little bit impressed that he performed in the round? Like, just as a comedian, you don't think that's kind of sold out amazing. Like, yeah. There was a comic, I wish I could remember this name.

I sometimes I'll tour with, hey, we turn my heads that's down, I think Bobby's fucking deaf. Jesus Christ. Dude, can't hear me, dude. There was a comic, I sometimes I'll tour with hey, we turn my headsets down. I think Bobby's fucking deaf. Jesus Christ There was a comic I try sometimes I'll travel with this guy Matt full-tron and we go and do this Though he's the full charge. He's fucking hilarious Full charge that's what he calls himself and it's he's great. He tore with Tosh for a long time and And so we go to Tampa when we can this comic, I wish I remember the guys names like a shit on him, but apparently like he had gotten, he was an open-micro and

he had gotten drunk and said something mean to me, like said like, oh that's the way you do it, you know, whatever about my act and I was like, whatever dude. So then he comes back the next time, he's already got beef with me and he's like, sit at the bar and that's like, hey, and he's like, I'm a comic, come back, he's like, oh, you're gonna do a set and he's like, no, I'm a comic. Come back, it's like, oh, you're gonna do a set? And he's like, no, Burton, I have like a thing. We hate each other. And I was like, I don't even know who the fucking guy was.

I don't remember it, but now that he said it, I was like, oh shit, so all I wanted to do was make it uncomfortable and get into social situations where I was close to the guy and bringing him in tight so that he got to the place where he was like, oh, we're good, and then going, I fucking remember you. And I thought, but it's guys getting their heads about it and they'd want to have beef, I think,

especially with micers. Yeah, yeah. Self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're sitting around going like, that guy doesn't like me, eventually he's gonna not like you. I mean, that's just how it's gonna happen. Who do you guys hate? Let's go around the room.

So many people. I got a big scope. Go ahead, Joe. Not a big scope, oh guy. No, I do. I've never heard of him, but I'm not a big fan of my dad. He left, so I was pretty young. See, I always like to stuff.

I like his early stuff. I have to be left, he got shit. I was early on, the hitting, that was great. I'm only assuming. I'm only assuming Well, that's weird I don't want to say who I hate No, I don't hate anybody, I like all of you

Okay, let's try to put it this way Let's try to back into this Who would you like to see have a really bad set? Any comic who, is a by thing I'm any comic who goes throws other comics under the bus That's the only comics I genuinely rude against are like the PC cop comics who will go out and like right in article about How offended they were by by some other comedians joke or will go and call other comedians like racist or offensive or sexist for like if you're in this world You've crossed the line. I promise you like yeah, anyway those those guys are the last person

I probably shit on publicly like but this is before I I mean I had to run when podcasting started I don't even I this sounds arrogant but were you guys doing stand-up when podcasting started like like five years ago? Yeah, yeah, and so but but when we all, all the comments we're going on podcasts and just shit on other comics, not realizing people would hear it and we get back to them. And what's interesting is that now that podcasts have blown up, people will go back and find your archive thing. So now that's like on the record, like,

even if people weren't listening at the time, you know what I mean? Like now they'll go back and like all that shit. Terrifying. There's been so many end words in this room. Oh gosh. I can't even count. Not for me, but.

Like we'll name him Keith. Who? Ha ha ha ha. I think that might be it. Yeah. We, me and Ari should fear there's a long, this is a long time ago. And this is all past.

I don't try to rekindle this beef anybody. But me and Ari should fear are driving out to do Rogan's podcast. One night, and this thing comes out that TJ Miller was live tweeting about Dane Cook's set. Do you guys remember this? Yeah, I remember that. And Ari and I just got fucking up in arms. We're in a fucking card together, two grown men.

Yeah. And we're just fucking heated. And then it just spills into the room and the podcast starts. And me and Ari just just say what a bullshit move It was and I'd that was it and then I hear on Pete Holmes's podcast Do I like I hear TJ walking me through how he found out we were shitting on him We're both friends with TJ We just thought we didn't like what he was doing. I don't I don't like I don't like that

I didn't never like that. I don't a comic shouldn't shit on other comics that way and critique the process that is difficult to do. And so, but I heard the way I, he was like, here I am in a fucking hotel room and I had an instance like that where someone shit on me, but I was getting on a flight to South Africa. I was at a leaving South Africa, heading on a fucking 33 hour flight home and I heard it first podcast to take off.

I heard this girl Jen Kirkman shit on me and I was like, fucking turn this plane around. Yeah. There's no internet over Africa. I was just like fucking steaming like motherfucker. But yeah, talking shit on podcasts about comics. But wait, I mean TJ was just mad because like, Dane like bunched a bunch of bunch of people that night, right? I don't know. I think you have to be like a long, for like a long set, right? You know, that's the norm with day, I mean,

I think that's the most norm. Yeah, but that sucks. I don't know, Dane Cook, but that sucks. That you can't do it. I mean, I? I don't know. I think you have a long set, right? Because that's the norm with, I mean, I think that's the most important. Yeah, but that sucks. I don't know, Dane Cook, but that sucks that you show up to a club and then you bump people and you don't do 10, you don't do 20,

you do 40 minutes, fuck you. Fuck you, cook for me. Five hours. Jared Logan right here, everybody. Does that not suck? Yeah, it does, but didn't Dane just get kicked out of the fucking club or something? Just a bad for the effect. Yeah, so like I'm saying like these things

Yeah, do you kind of like come around this? No, didn't got banned for life at the left factory I don't know about life like that. Oh say like keep it in life Let's make this fuck you just keep that. I said, yeah, Dan cook a sponge and then bam Dan had pro life What happened? I think you just kept doing what I prayed think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it.

I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it.

I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it.

I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing it. I think you just kept doing mic with you. You can bend it back. There you go. It was concerned about the camera. He was concerned about the sound. Let's get back to this story. How did Dan cook it, man? I've heard this like 9th hand. I heard it was close to what Jared was saying.

He was just like bumping people going too long. You were like, bumping everybody and then, bumping celebrities. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not allowed to ban a guy in your establishment that you allow to do that behavior over 15 years. I heard it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, know what the details are. I'm just making the point that what jad was saying I don't disagree with you like that's not a cool move what he's doing but I don't know if the way to handle it is a comic is to try to like publicly shame him from doing that or just kind of like the I don't know I don't know if you're allowed to go on the podcast and say hey fuck TJ for for coming down on dane why can't TJ go on Twitter and say fuck dane for pumping a bunch of people. It does that wasn't He does, that wasn't what he was complaining about on Twitter.

He wasn't complaining about being bumped. He was complaining about his content. He was, he was tweaking his content. Change soft fucking, something about. I would change soft fucking. You can totally complain if you get bumped. I've been bumped a ton. I've been bumped for people that I didn't think

I got deserved to get bumped for, but I, like the creative process is so delicate that I do have stuff that I'm working on that is not right and it isn't working yet and it just looks fucking racist or sexist or homophobic or because I haven't figured the words out and I need to figure them out live. So eventually it'll be racist homophobic and funny. And funny. Right. But taking my content out of context, putting it on Twitter in less characters than I'm saying it on stage, that's what Ariana was shitting on.

I've already gotten past all this with TJ, but that was what we were shitting on in TJ. It's like that's not what I was doing. I was upset about getting being pumped, but it wasn't. That's not how it came out. But, you know, I'll argue the other side of the fucking coin. I definitely think that I should be able to go into an open mic in Tampa and do more than five minutes. Oh yeah. No, no, no, no. So let's put it on a scale.

Dane is the guy who kind of revolutionized comedy for the way we see the business now. No question. No question. So he does deserve the right on a Monday night to go in and bump Guys you've never heard of Yeah, yeah, but my I would say that the counter argument is yeah It's a privilege that he has because he's earned it by being successful

But you can overuse the privilege Overusing it and then everybody thinks you're a fucking asshole Great power comes get off the fuck So you saying that Dan is the king joffrey of standoff? Someone needs to put a that's got me Hot crown on his head. No, they poison joffrey. They poison joffrey. You're thinking of boys and dang cook Jared Logan set it on this podcast Targaryen brother. Yeah, yeah Targaryen brother got the hock crown who's Jeffries, you know, like I

No, I don't I don't I never mind getting bumped. I like it I've always I mean like I think when something like I mean I remember being like a like a couple years in comedy and a Chappelle coming into like, stand up New York and just like, you know, like that's the end of the show. But it was like, just got back from Africa. It was so exciting and like, you know what I mean? Like that's like, if you can't like, I've heard like, like some comics,

I get what Jared's made a good point. Like it is a thing you've got. I like the Jared's argument. You want to be a dick with it. You want to be a dick with it. Okay, hold on. Let's take it, let's take it this way. Okay.

Maybe it's the person you're thinking of that you're getting bumped by it because none of us in this room Would mine giving up our spots to watch the pal yeah, I would You know what I would you you're a super famous guy you come in all these young guys Who are working really hard to achieve part of what you've achieved and you're like? The rest of the evening is mine, gentlemen. And then you do your fucking three hours. Every time I heard that Dane and Chappelle were doing like six hours shows, I was like, give me a, there's no reason.

Yeah, those make, those don't make sense. Six hours. That's hard to defend. I've seen, I've never seen Chappelle do less than an hour. I've seen do two or three hours usually here. Rea was a long time, yeah. I'd never seen him do like 20 minutes set, like Rockle do like a 20 minute set or Seinfeld or Louis.

Yeah, that's great. 30 minutes from Rock. Rock drops by something. He does 30 minutes. It's awesome. I love that. And then people don't really get that bump. Like maybe some people kind of get bumped, but it's not like, it's not like galling.

It's not like, he's not acting like a Roman fucking emperor, you know. Yeah. Just going at the everyone, Jared. Hey man, you name. I got a beef. I like it. I like it. They could call ahead, you know, be like,

hey, I'm coming in an hour. I call the club. It's just, I don't know, I thought, I think, it's that impulse. I've never bumped a fucking person in my life. But I also don't have the right to. I mean, if I want to do a set, I call the club. I mean, I won't call in my avails in LA, but I'll call the club and go ahead and like to come in tonight. Yeah. I mean, if I want to do a set, I call the club. I won't call in my avails in LA,

but I'll call the club and go ahead and like to come in tonight. Yeah. I mean, I put you in a lot. I think, so I mean, I guess we're just, no one's really arguing. Like, I would all agree. Like, if you're like someone on that level,

like, Chappelle level or whatever, it's like, yeah, you kind of have a right to like pop in, do a set anyway, but yeah, I agree that it's like, to come, if you're gonna make it your three hour show, you probably should just call in at some point in that day. Yeah, right, and just, you. Just forget the ethics of it, you see what happened to Dane Cook. Oh, keep apparently he kept doing it,

and he kept doing it. I told people, I got annoyed and now he can't do it. Cardinals from Insidious used to do it. That was his big thing. If he'd go in and put, he'd go in front of it. I think he'd even do it worse. He'd go in front of comics, he didn't like, and just destroy for 10 minutes, and then hop off.

And people would be like, I wanna see more of that. And then you'd go up and then hop off and people be like, I want to see more of that. And then you go up and be like, they'd be like, Oh, great. Burke Criter. And the crowd used to do a famous guy and then no one gets up and you're like, who the fuck is this? I got Bumpi Adam Sandler one time and he did and he didn't do very well. And he only did like 10 minutes and it was like uncomfortable. It was like watching your dad fuck.

It was not cool. It was like, I got up there and everyone was like, I mean, if watching your dad fuck. It was not cool. It was like, I got up there and everyone was like, I mean, if you, he can't do it, you're not gonna be able to do it. Sometimes I'm thrilled to get bumped. It's late, I got a 1245 spot. Okay, show us up, I go, I'm going home.

I'll see you later. I've done that many a time. I love it. Someone was like, I was supposed to go and then Dan came in to the improv and he was like, I'm gonna go up, up. And I had two kids, so I was like, all right, I'm out. I was like, I'm much, I gotta get up in the morning. I'm not gonna sit around, wait. And the like, I'm gonna go up, but I had two kids, so I was like, all right, I'm out. I was like, I'm much more, I gotta get up in the morning,

I'm not gonna sit around, wait, and uh, bread irons, all these guys, not, I'm probably none of you guys know, they're all LA guys, but bread irons was like, what are you afraid to follow them? I was like, no, I have no interest in staying until one in the morning to do eight, because I will do my fucking eight minutes. Everyone's tired of that.

Everyone's tired, no fucking, I don't know. Do you guys, you guys, are you guys on the road much? A little bit, I don't know. On the road a lot. Twice, everyone's tired. No fucking. I don't know. Do you guys you guys hit or you guys want to road much? Little bit I don't know on the road a lot three times a year. Yeah, I was a lot last year. I mean I was a bit Lewis J. Gomez So that's a big thing for me. I worked with Lewis and in In fucking West Niaq. Oh, yeah, this is gonna say it's within 75 miles a year It's within 75 miles a year for sure Well Lewis still isn't allowed on the west coast or if they lose or maybe that's Canada I don't know Lewis can't travel everywhere free people Oh, yeah, well they beg my buyers they like it's they extored them now last time we went to Canada

They made them like like throw down like 300 bucks or something like that for what yeah He's like has some weed arrests on his record or something like that It For what? Yeah, he got credit for that. Because he's like, has some weed arrests on his record or something like that. It's like some, wait, one time they fucking turned them away. We went to Toronto to do a gig with Big J and David Tal. And Lewis got turned away at the border, dude. He had to fucking get on the train and go home. It fucking really sucks.

When he turned away at the border, like, oh, you guys drove? Yeah, dude, we drove up in Rebecca Trends. You know, Rebecca? She owns a creek in the cave. that's club in Long Island City she we drove up in her van like all of us and yeah they turned Lewis away and for 20 seconds we had to pretend like it was a big like debate like what do we do here should we all go back no I mean I guess probably just you and I'll go do this theater show with the towel. That's what I'm gonna... You look like I'll be doing 20.

Yeah, right. Oh, dude, it's really good. Can I have this his money, please? I get a very angry... You have to throw that out there. No, I'm gonna do it with the money that I've got. I think for Lewis is said. I think, I want to say this, if I'm wrong about this,

somewhere Lewis is listening just furious, but I think Lewis did get paid for the fucking game. I think it's because I think we got the same money and then we were like, well, let fucking game. I don't know if he's, I think it's because I think like, we got the same money and then we were like, well, let's give, I don't know, it just kind of felt weird like I was. I got fucked on money one time. My daughter felt broker-jaw.

I mean, Cincinnati doing this James Sintor, it was a lot, it was big money. It was like, I'm not telling you exactly how much it was for the weekend. All you have to do is 20 minutes and you got, and we did six shows and you got five grand a weekend. And it was for, it was fun. It was great. Everyone got five grand a weekend. And it was fun. It was fun.

Everyone got five grand, you flew first class. They put you up first class, said town cars, and you got free Jameson and you were paid. Jesus. It was fucking amazing. It was the best gig in the world. I'm not shitting on anyone that I'm about, but it's gonna sound like I am.

My daughter falls, breaks her jaw on Saturday, on Saturday. I do both Saturday shows, and I leave Sunday to go home to get to be able to take my daughter to the hospital. And I just kind of assumed I'd get paid for Sunday show, but it was deducted. And I just thought it was so shitty.

I remember being like, it's like one of those things where you never fucking forget it. You're like, really? Like it's not like I fucking missed the show. Like my daughter fell and got hurt. And my wife's very logical. She's like, well, you did not do the show. I my daughter fell and got hurt and my wife's very logical She's like well you did not do the show. I mean, but it's like they didn't bring anyone else in the guys just did a little longer Oh speaking of my wife

It's been face time she'll corroborate the entire story. Yeah Put the mic. Oh, I know. Yeah, I know it's connecting Um, it's very high-class. Am I the only one that's married in here? I'm about to be married in June. Are you getting married in June? Yeah, oh congrats buddy. Oh congrats. Well woman Yes, yes. Hey babe. I'm doing a podcast. Can I call you later? I'm sorry. Yes, sir. All right. I love you That's a good wife. She's a redneck boy. She's real sweet. I like red necks Yeah, um, I like red vagina's a boys America red ones. I kind of go for the pink ones

Did you tenderize it first? Well the pink is a little accurate too. It's a coat of a there's a pinkish June wait, but it's pretty pink. It's very brown a lot of Like it's not like a neon I mean it's a tan I only make love to black women Never mentioned that those are pink For what I've seen I think it's just you know when it's like Something like another color makes another color pop

I don't think that black queens are actually any pinker I think it's just like the black color makes the other pop Judge position is what I think It's all about accessories down there You know you want that pink to just pop out of you. It's like the old headberg joke. You get a tan instead of teeth whitening. Yeah, it's a good one. Did you hate when you reference someone's joke and it bombs?

Like, this is not my thing. I'm not taking the bomb, Dana. It's headberg. It's headberg taking that. But when I first saw the bomb, Dana, I was like, you can't bomb in a room of people. You can bomb in from an audience. And then you saw Bobby, and you realized you can.

Yeah, no, he made it real. He made the bomb Dan, our real thing. Bomb Dan, by the way. Yeah, no noise. I expected to throw it a shitty joke. We throw it at you, you gotta hold onto it. I expected to see a vagina when I was a kid. There was gonna be pink.

It's a pinkish. Like if you were coloring, you could color it pink. Yeah. But I wouldn't just look at that and be like, that's pink. If my niece looked at her pussy, she wouldn't go out as a pink thing over there. What's your niece? You could use a niece on that one. Oh, she's a kid. It's what I meant. A kid. I know, but why your niece? Well, I've got niece applied child. It does. It does. I mean, speaking of vaginas, my niece. Yeah. Well, she has a vagina.

It would be worse if you were like, if I showed my Boy Scout troop of vagina in a tent, I said to one of my buddies, I tried to do this on stage and it did not work. But I was real funny in the moment. I had a fucking air rifle. When I went camping, I brought my air rifle and the two boys, like my best friends, sons, were like fucking literally,

like, I mean, they couldn't get enough of this air rifle, they would've done anything and I leaned over to my friends, I go, this is how kids get molested. I was like, this, I go, right now I've got them in the palm of my hand and I said it to my friends and they laughed, so I tried to take it on stage and it just fucking got creepy. I think I just changed the wording a little bit.

The world's not ready. Yeah, for how to molest the dude. Yeah, any implication that you might fuck a kid is. Any implication. Doesn't hit. Hold on, I'm tweeting that Bert is a child molester. Type it in. That makes it real, but once it's on Twitter.

Who are you, any guys molested? No. But you always the bridesmaid, you know? Yeah. No. No? No. I had a guy touch me in a grocery store one time, but he just like put his hand on my shoulder and like gave me like a little bit of a massage for a second.

I was like, hello. And I was like, no! And I ran away. And I got away. So I almost got molested, I think, or kidnapped, or who knows? Just enough to make you a committee. That was when I was a little kid, so that my mom, there's the whole story.

Where did you go up? Where did you go up? Morgantown, West Virginia. I was just, are you serious? Yeah, I was just in Morgantown, West Virginia. Oh yeah, where did you play there? Yeah, they have a theater there that I did. Yeah, yeah.

That sounds like a great time to get molested in, am I right? Yeah. Morgantown, West Virginia, this is nice. Sure, a lot of it goes on that there's not a lot to do. There's not a lot to do and it's all fucking hills. So interesting. Yeah, just there the schools there, right? The schools there, that makes it livable, you know, the universities there. So there's a little bit going on. West Virginia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, West Virginia University. Yeah, I love it there. It's what I live there, but I love it there. It's an interesting, it's got West Virginia's got a weird vibe out of it. I had a buddy thrown through a plate glass window I'm West Virginia, but it's like it's got this real. It's a bizarre state. It's raw

You know, I had this guy who was a journalist and he followed around He during the primaries one year when Obama was running and he said every place they said what's wrong with Obama Why won't you vote for Obama people were like, you know, we're not really sure where he's actually But when they went to West Virginia and they were like, why won't you vote for Obama? They were like he's black Oh, don't you that's I find I'm gonna vote for a black guy I might they were just openly raised. I find overt racism refreshing in this thing age I really do enough just beating around the bush like you know There's you used to be so much of that like if you if you were look at like I'm like when like busing and stuff like that

Came in the 60s They have like YouTube videos of people being interviewed about it. You can go watch it people would just say they're racist I don't want them in my school. I don't want them around my kids like there's none of that anymore Now it's all it's you know like what you say you got it go to West Virginia for it yeah background he seems he might be muslim you know like all that shit it's like just fucking admit you know like black people yeah if you know I'm a little video the senator saying about how segregation is the is the way to go like the 60s and everyone's fucking cheering strong them uh I think is the guy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he ran for president on a platform of segregation I you know he's that was it's it's was, this is what drives me nuts is there's this fucking underlying

false outrage that happens throughout all of everything that anyone says anything like like I'm still overwhelmed by the Nancy Grace, we're not Nancy Grace, oh, that's why that probably didn't work. What's that girl's name? Nancy Reagan? Nancy Pelosi? I was trying to, no.

Did you guys, someone who was shamed? No, Nancy Snatcher. Sarah Palin. No, I'm not. Someone who was a shamed. No, that is not true. Sarah Palin. No, there's a lot. There's a lot. Fucking no. But we all know George Bush said the N word. He said it growing up.

That's true. But he was president. But you know what I mean? There's this underlying. I always get upset when I see country stars doing hip-hop albums together with hip-hop. I'm like, listen, don't lose all the outrage because we know they said the N word and we know they said it a lot like growing up. That's how the South works. I grew up in the South. I heard the N word a lot, like not just a little bit a lot. And I also grew up in this 80s and 70s, but where were you in the South? Tampa. All right. Well,

that's Florida. Florida's fucking. I was with Hillbilly's. They didn't really say the N word that my wife's my wife's family. We were out camping. We were someone brought up Martin Luther King and my daughter's like that's her biggest hero She thinks he's like the greatest man ever and one of my wife's relatives was like he was nothing but a lion cheaten N word and I was like I was like just I was like you never heard that perspective I completely forgot There were people that didn't like the guy. Oh, dude. Do you did you hear the there's these tapes? I don't know how they got these are where that but there's tapes of what's her name? JFK is wife Jackie Jackie Kennedy. Yeah, just talking about Martin Luther King and she

hated hated Martin Luther King. She's like She's talking about that's it. She's talking about how he's disgusting. It has these orgies He's unfaithful which you can hear a a lot of like you know like a wife who's Huggins cheating all over her just furious at the friend Like you nothing you want if you have a dude who's straight is the last thing you want to say I'm talking to Jeff you he's a bit influence on you It's so funny. Do you got it? It's on like I Stay away from it Dude, it's so funny. Do you got to fight it's on like I

Shit not him saying all this shit she wanted to say to J. I've got out loud. Yeah, I forget who she's talking to But she's like he's a horrible man and fell all this that's what I guess apparently he was not I but I forgot it I said it to my wife and she was like well bird someone fucking shot it like clearly people didn't like him But he's so revered in society today that you it's unfathomable But you know when people become like lion eyes like that. It's never reality. You know what I mean like no No person is actually a hero like that, you know like us the statue But if you're if you're dead that sticks this brings us back this brings us back to Dane cook, right? It's he dead

No, it's less on dude with Dane, but watch have you seen what's going on with Kevin Hart with the black comics these days? No My guess thing Mike apps Erie spears like every all the black comics were shitting on Kevin Hart on like hip hop on sues Yeah, that's the yeah, I saw I saw he was on sweat He didn't interview about it like talking about it He went at detail of how you know it doesn't doesn't bother him, but it clearly bothers him. And there is this weird fucking underlying thing with stand-ups.

I don't think Louis had to experience it, but it seems like we take our precious, we put them on a pedestal only to break them down. Well, there's, I think, dude, what happens, like, like, Louis is immune to it, Chappelle was immune to it, I think, Burr is... He's not immune to it. No?

He was getting heckled at fucking, like they were heckling and then they fucking destroyed him. Okay, but I'm, okay fair enough, but Chappelle cut, right, right, okay, but I'm saying like, he kind of stepped away from it. Chappelle didn't really fall. He was on top and then he kind of took himself out. I think what happens with guys like Louis or Chappelle,

like when comics all kind of pretty much unanimously go, well, no, he does, he's the best comic out there. But yeah, they don't get shit. But when anyone who maybe, they wouldn't say, I'm just saying whether, I'm not saying like, Dane cooks amazing, but I don't think he held like what Louie kind of holds in with comics.

But Louie gets shit too. A lot of comics hate what Louie's doing. People should know how to do it. I mean, Kimler shits all over him. Yeah, I guess maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, a lot of comics that are just wrote, wrote it later that he's eating up so much material but putting on an hour every year and then you'll have a bit about fucking whatever lampshades for five years and then Louise like I don't fucking came on a lampshade and cut and then

you're like well now my bit is gone whatever it is but you just did you did an impression of what of you whittled down with Louise, which is I fucking came on a lampshade He does a lot of that stuff. I mean Louis my favorite fucking lampshade favorite comic But he gets plenty of shit from com I think there's a lot of comics that hate him and get annoyed by what he's doing and the hour a year thing People like give me a break with this hour a year. That's awesome man I'm sorry if you have a five year old joke, you know like I mean I definitely have some too, but like get over it

I mean it's the most impressive thing ever hurt wouldn't you say some of his hour a year these jokes You're like these jokes could be a lot stronger if you did it a year and a half look I think I think a tell just made a special a tell made a special last year And that was the first one he's made and like six year the and I thought was incredible and that's but you can't at you can't deny that That's an amazing thing to be able to every year, throw your material out and start headlining with no fucking material. I agree, I mean, I feel like you're arguing with me.

I'm not the one setting this. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sincerely, I can also, because my story's like 12 minutes long, so I can go through and I can write on stage. But I still feel like the fucking, like when I heard Skanks for the Memories, that is, by the way, that is my Bible comedy album. Dude, that's the best comedy album I've ever heard. When I heard Skanks for the Memories, I was doubled over and I was like, these are perfect. The fucking tags were perfect.

I wanted to sound like a boot stuck in Moa Mud only wetter. Did everyone get it? It's gonna get it? Let's move on. The pacing was perfect about it. And I feel like, I feel like, I mean, if these guys, I feel like what they've done is they've put a pressure on comics that don't maybe have the ability to write a new hour every year, to write a new hour every year.

And you're like, well, part of the art form is getting a fucking act and destroying and learning how to fucking venture off from that act while doing that act. And you gotta sell tickets, you gotta sell tickets, you gotta have people, I told Tosh one time, I was at the improv and I go, I go, man, I feel like I just want a fucking right.

And he said, very candidly to me. No one knows who the fuck you are, you need to be good first. Like, you need like I just want to fucking write and he said, very candidly to me. No one knows who the fuck you are, you need to be good first. Like, you need people to be coming to your shows and then go, oh, the reciprocation, what is it, the turnover rate? Is it like, I need to write a new hour next year? What's like when comics pride themselves,

like they'll be doing comedy for four or five years and they pride themselves on having like, they're like, dude, I got notebook stacked up with jokes and you're like, okay, that's completely useless. Like, who cares? Like, do you have a tight six minutes like that I don't know I kind of disagree I love I love all your fucking points today I love I love I just I just think how how does it hurt you to keep turning over jokes okay I'm

not always go back into the old ones if you need no but I'm not saying it's yes better the whole time if you're saying verse nothing like if you're saying right other jokes verse sitting around jerking off sure it doesn't hurt but I'm saying if you're saying right other jokes versus sitting around jerking off, sure. It doesn't hurt. But I'm saying if you're spending your time and energy focused on that, like there should be more of a focus when you're a young comic on getting a tight six minutes, getting a tight 12 minutes, then just like writing,

you know what I mean, like volumes and volumes of like manifesto, at least that's my take. I don't think it's an either or proposition. My only point is that just to be like, I do an hour every year and that's it. And once like, well, do an hour when you have a killer hour that's done, maybe it's two years, which is still unbelievable.

Louis, some of this bits, you're like, that is a bit in here. You guys are splitting gears. The nuance of a two year Louis bit or a three year Louis bit versus a one year Louis bit is negligible to me. I disagree. I don't have a lot of them.

I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them.

I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them.

I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don't have them. I don. You see what I'm saying? I'm saying this is permanent. This is my, this is my special. That comedy store one, there's a lot of it. You're like, are you kidding me on this? I don't think, yeah, I haven't seen that one. I haven't seen that either. No, but I agree with what you're saying.

For maybe, I'm maybe to think, look, if Bill Burr and Lucy can't touch, all I want to do new hours every year, that is completely up to them. And they're so good that I will definitely watch those until I don't and when I don't Then probably they'll go well, maybe I'll take a little longer and make my hour But here's what I'm I'm saying like you get young comics that are like oh, I'm writing a new hour every year And you're like no, no, that's not the thing. That's not how this works Yeah, that's what I'm trying yeah first hour should be 10 years of material destructive and and you're missing out on the nuance of like tagging a joke and doing the joke so much that you get bored with it

and you write even better tags to keep yourself interested and then all of a sudden you got a fucking and that is what Skanks for the memory says. I mean I remember sitting in the fucking club downstairs every night at 10 to 10 to 12 to 10 and it tell would come in and he would have different tags for the same joke about killing someone with a hammer. He would have like, not- Do there's no one better to watch work than that? Like it tells like the, just what, like I feel like Skanks for the memories is the only thing, the only thing he ever put out

that is like an actual representation of what it's like to like see a tell at the comedy cell. You know what I mean? Like it's, and a lot of his specials are great, but it's just not quite the, you know, a tell throwing on a blazer and doing like Captain miserable. That wasn't quite like the experience of just seeing that guy like live.

I don't know, to me the best guy to like watch. I don't understand, I'm not a big fan of theater hour specials, unless you do theaters. Like, Louie doing a theater, I get it. He doesn't really do clubs. Well, for someone like Dane, it was like perfect, you know? Because he was like this huge show. So it just like worked.

And Kevin Hartz, like I'm gonna be in the fucking Philadelphia arena. Yeah, spectrum or whatever Like that's great field house. It's like the biggest fucking But that's why she'll have in those problems where those guys are heckling them because she pells doing these like Amphitheaters and she pells like this like really like smart nuanced comic It's not like a cheerleading energy, you know it's, then people are yelling like Rick James bitch and shit out, that's not gonna enhance a shepel. Yeah. Show, you know.

Arena comedy is so confusing to me. Yeah, and also Steve Martin in his book was like, once it got to Arena, it was useless to try to do any material. You're just hosting a party at that point, right? That's where my career should go then, because I'm barely, like, I'm doing fucking material, I just just host a goddamn party.

I just wanted to do a cruise ship, just have a cruise ship and just do, like have all my fans come on cruises and then we'll just drink and maybe I'll do some stand-up I'd be like, oh my machine. Hello, your fantasy like stand-up is becoming a smaller and smaller part. I think I just wanna live on a cruise ship.

I was in, I was in, I was in, and like sometimes like comics can say things that you know that they really think and but it it Whittled me down so tightly that of shit I've already believed about myself my fucking self ego or whatever poor self-esteem Doug Stant Doug St Benson was saying You know you could just do your act by just going up on stage taking off your shirt killing a beer and just leaving And I think you'd get you'd turn out more shows in a day and they'd get the same experience. And so I did that on this 420 show.

I just fucking walked up, take my shirt off, killed. By the way, got more of a applause than I've ever got for doing. And I was so let down. And I was like, God damn it, I'm not fucking like, like now I'm like, now I wanna be the opposite of like, oh, I leave my shirt on for the whole set. And but fuck it, whatever, I don't give a fuck. No, no, no, no, any time someone like kind of like nails you, like you're kind of like this kind of like, oh, I leave my shirt on for the whole set and but fuck it, whatever. I don't give a fuck. No, no, no, no.

Anytime someone like kind of like nails you, like you're kind of like this kind of guy, it pisses you. Well, let me speak for myself. It pisses me off. And then I go and I write a bunch of stuff that's the opposite of that. And then I do it to almost no laughter. Just stuff the marketplace is not demanding. Right, right.

I remember walking through downstairs one time And I was on a Hawaiian shirt and David tell goes only two things where Hawaiian shirts big fat gay guys are party animals And I remember thinking I don't want to be either. I'm gonna write some really smart jokes and go to the lowry side And I just fucking sucked dick every time I'd go up there. I just I don't even know if they still have stand up over there But it was like fucking I'd try to be smart But my smart jokes were like so bad. I wrote a joke like um, I don't even know if they still stand up over there, but it was like fucking, I tried to be smart, but my smart jokes were like so bad. I wrote a joke like, I don't know, nevermind, keep going. Let's just try it out.

You can't pick your voice, dude. I've been having a huge problem with that where I'm trying to show people how smart I am. It doesn't, nobody gives a shit. No one cares if you're smart. Only other smart people can tell of you're smart and even they are like, I don't like this guy. You know what I'm saying?

It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah, you're playing to like a tiny percentage of the crowd Smart people can tell of your smart and even they are like I don't like this guy Yeah, you're playing to like a tiny percentage of the crowd and smart people always disagree with other smart So it's like not even like a thing you're not even gonna win them over You are smart you're smart trying to be smart as useless. It's nothing. It's not a thing. You can try to do it It's nothing. It's what we what you said said I disagree with you what were you gonna say oh I was kidding you said yeah it's black people disagree with each other I said I disagree with you Bob I deserve that bomb to Dano um no he's taking that one it's yeah you should just own the morons that's not a bomb though that was just a like what would you rather have okay like if you get let's okay, we'll go around the room. You can either be um I'd be gay

No, no, I'm trying to think of what's the guy what's the okay? You can either be ready as an artist Tom weights or kid rock Would you rather be yeah, but translate that into comedy Tom weights who's got a career But isn't selling out medicine square Tom Weitz, who's got a career, but isn't selling out Madison Square Garden, or Kid Rock, who's bastardized, like the fucking art of selling a personality so much, that like if he had Tom Weitz career, he'd have Tom Weitz bumper sticker. Who's Tom Weitz?

I'm sorry, I'm just telling you. I know the name of him. I'm not a man like, yeah. Tom Weitz is like, I see building in there. I would be Tom Weitz. Tom Weitz is great. Yeah, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a,

he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he So run some huge hit songs for other people. He would have a steady career where Kid Rock would blow up and then he's kind of there. And then... No, Kid Rock's still fucking, now Kid Rock, not to being this back, but Kid Rock's is doing cruise ships. So he does like this Kid Rock cruise ship and he makes like fucking $15 million because everyone, Kid Rock's on the fucking cruise

and he brings us, like, you know, they do like, I mean, they do bastardizations of what art should be. Like him and Vince Neil do acoustic covers. You know, it's like, okay, we get it. But, and I'm not shitting on Kid Rock, but I'm just saying, like he has taken what is the thing you like and then just fucking budwized her to it down to like,

it's just a shot of this, it's there we go, you got all of it. You know what I mean? Like I don't know, I feel like my instinct is to be like, no I would choose the, like as long as I'm like, if you're not talking about starving, like as long as I'm like making a living and doing okay, I would always choose the like integrity route.

But I mean then again, I don't know, you know, once that offer is in front of you, I don't know what that actually, you know it's easy to like say like I wouldn't sell that, but then like, That's a fucking TV show. We sell it to Comedy Central, it's called, selling your soul. What you do is you go into a comedy club

and you find the best, the smartest, the guys that are undiscovered, but you know, like a, like a natterman who's got a, like a real sharp voice and is a great writer and a great guy, then you go, all right, you're the guy, we picked you. It's $5 million. And we're like,

welcome to the first episode we want you to wear this clown suit and Just see watch guys lose their spirit and just like fucking just see if they'll sell their soul We want to wear a clown suit and do you we want it? We rewritten your jokes my first question Where did County Central get five million? I was trying to think of a number that would make you sell your soul immediately. I will dress in anything you want Anything that you want immediately would you do that would you would you take a year of your let's say they sign you I'll take a llamas dick in my ass Well, I mean again because you're the the question you're making where you go like oh like some successful guy

But he's like you know kind of true to his craft versus a real like I'm a completely unsuccessful guy So if you offer me money, I gotta take it right now like that's no matter what I mean, I couldn't yeah Dude, if you offer me five million dollars, I'm fucking taking it short of literally, you know You have to go really fucking crazy to get me to say no. I don't know where it is Blow a dude for five million dollars. I'd probably yeah, I would do it so I could dick so hard for five million dollars People sucked it. They love to do it. Yeah, I would try it. I would try it for five million dollars I would enjoy I would shit me and I'll do it for 10 grand. I would taste the guy for a year Fucking make a shirt a lot of people suck dick. I like it. Yeah, I should try it right I really should try it

Everything at least twice. I think I would get married. Ten years of marriage to a man. Sex every night, if I imagine. I'll just go gay, like for five minutes, like I bang dudes now, I guess that's my third. All right. Man, I wasn't exactly as well women anyway.

I was a fuck, what I've rolled up. $5 million buys a lot of mouthwash. Nah. Ha ha ha. Thank you. I think it need more of the mouthwash when you swallow gum. Do you guys have any memory wash with this on your mouthwash? You know.

How do you know you've never done it? You don't know how you feel after where maybe it feels good, maybe it's nice. Maybe I don't even need that mouthwash. It probably doesn't taste real good because I know that my future wife doesn't really like to do it. No, I don't. It's not like girls enjoy the taste. Wait, do you think we could do a show where you gave like, okay, let's bottom price.

Like just blow a dude one time on camera, but that's your, that's your like this. How many people, how many, oh, it's you forever? That's what you're doing. See, now you're getting in, now it's an interesting question because, you know, you don't want that to be your whole thing forever, you know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no whole thing forever You know, no that's it. No, no, no, no. Five million dollars. Five million dollars. And five million dollars is not gonna make you feel good

Necessarily if you don't get to do what you want to do with your life. Five million dollars and you blow a dude on camera on Comedy Central Prime time. Like Sunday night at 8 p.m. and they fucking air it. It's a 30 minute special view just blowing a dude. And if you don't blow for 30 minutes, it just loops and they get it great editors to make just rail tight ups. But it's you blowing a dude. And if you don't blow for 30 minutes, it just loops and they get it great editors to make just royal tight ups, but it's you blowing a dude. And then that's how everyone knows you. Like, I mean, you can drop out of the fucking thing

and hope to Kato Kaelin and jump back into the game. And- When comics are what like the host introduces me, can I say just tell them I've been on comedy sensual, like they don't have to be like specific. You just say you may have seen him on comedy sensual. You may have seen this guy on comedy central. And he's not the guy.

It's like a game. If that's what you're thinking. I think it's so funny they come back to me like two years later and like to just follow up and I'm like, turns out I was gay. So thanks for helping me realize that. You know what I'm $5 million. You know when you drink a lot of coffee

and then you take a bite of a sandwich and you realize you are hungry, it was a lot like that. Like you just gotta get the dick in your mouth and you're like, oh yeah, awesome. This is complete. Happy, paintings. It feels right. It feels right.

I'd do it. I'd probably be pretty good at it. I'm sure. I mean, I know what I like. Yeah. It's like my wife said there's this, there's this masseuse in Beverly Hills called Dr. Squirts. And he fucking massages the ladies and then squirts them.

And it's like the best orgasm they've ever had in all my wife. All my wife's friends are talking about Dr. Squirts and it is it cheating And I was like, that's definitely fucking cheating and she was like well, what if there was a girl who could give like the most amazing Hands up. I was like, I don't never happen. I have to be a dude like Now have you ever gone to one of those Asian rubdowns dude? No, I've never have dude They give the best hand-jumps like there's a technique. The best fucking handjumps I've ever had in my goddamn life. I'm talking about this chick, touches your dick, and from the minute she touched my dick.

Look, the first time I ever did it. Wait, wait, wait, walk me through it. Okay, so first time, I'll take it to the end. So, literally, it was my 21st birthday, maybe 20th birthday, it was like something like that, and my friends were just like, we're taking you to an Asian massage parlour. I've never knew this was like a thing before that,

or maybe I'd heard of it, but you know, like a rub down massage place. And I'm hammered. And in my mind, I'm like a kid, in my mind I'm like, I'm gonna go get a hand job right now, I'm hammered and my hand job, you know, mine is like a girl who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing,

you're like, I'm not even gonna get a boner right now. Like this is like ridiculous. The Asian chicks aren't even cute. You know what I mean? But they give you a dope ass muscle. This chick touched my dick. From the second she touched my dick, I was fighting to not come.

Fighting to not come, because I was like, whoa, I want to enjoy this for a second. I was on my back looking up, and I was like, this is the grid, and dude, I look down just for one second. And yeah, dude, it's like all types of lotion in this crazy,

like dude, they just, I don't me to make my dick look that big. It's not bad. But I'm just to get they use this kind of like, I looked at it for, I came in maybe two minutes. I looked at it for like a second just to admire what she was doing. Good looking gal. No, no.

Not a long, it's completely mechanical. No, it's not. It was that's what I'm saying. It was literally. It was the Morgan that they're milking. That's what it was. It was almost like not even sexual. I wasn't like even thinking like sexual thoughts. It was just like, oh'm saying. It was literally. It was the Morgan that they're milking. That's what it was. It was almost like not even sexual. I wasn't like even thinking like sexual thoughts.

It was just like, oh my god, this feels amazing. Like, wow. Does it kind of she lead in? Like, give me a full body massage. Full body massage. First they take you this room, they like pour water on you and like do this kind of thing. Then a full body massage, like you're on your back

on a massage table, then she turns you over and she just like kind of like touches your penis. She go, you like like that. Oh, mm. And then she's just fucking starts jerking you. Wow. go, oh, you like like that? Oh, wow. And then she's just fucking starts jerking you off. Yeah, we can all achieve this for like 75 bucks. Or something like that. Let's go right after the show.

I'm showing the other side of the fence that I'm like, well, point out to the, when I get a massage, I'm like, hey, I'm gonna take my underwear off, I can keep it off if you want me to. Like I'm so afraid they're gonna start jerking me off. I'm gonna want to be able to say, stop. Like, you know, like if someone touches my dick, I don't know if I had, I don't know if I haven you want me to. Like I'm so afraid they're gonna start jerking me off and I won't be able to say, yeah, stop. Like, you know, like if someone touches my dick, I don't know if I have it in me to go,

hey, please don't do that, you know what I mean? That is, yeah, you gotta be, like if you're like passive at all, that's a tough one to have to, if you don't like buying condoms at Dwayne Reed, you're definitely not gonna be able to tell. Oh, by the way, so like 20 in the store, 21, my friends all paid for me,

because it's like a birthday present and I had no idea Because I'm just not an adult that you're supposed to tip these people because like obviously any grown man You understand a woman just jerked you off This is a service tip industry like you have but so I just never been one so I just like drunkenly stumbled out like oh my god I just got the greatest hand job ever and I stumbled out at and my friends were already done so they're like out there and a mob of angry Asian hookers just came storming out And they go she walk on you know tip you know, I was just like I'm so scared just like cave money Like you could have been like well the service wasn't

Yes, I came but not in the way that I wanted It wasn't there's still work in there. Yeah, it's in New York Sí, me he llegado, pero no es la forma que me ha llegado. No era una cosa que me ha llegado. ¿Es esto en New York o...? Sí, es en New York. Yo creo que era... Yo no era una adresión. Sí, era una adresión.

Yo quiero decir que el sitio de los 30s, algo así. Es probable que ha llegado. Sí, probablemente. Es probable que ha llegado. ¿Es probable que ha llegado? Sí, es probable que ha llegado. Es probable que ha llegado. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos,

monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Huelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. ¿As ever, as ever ever been with a prostitute? No. But not on the record now.

No, no, no, you can't now because you get married, but would you? No, I wouldn't do that. Marriage the opportune time to do it, right? Why would you get a prostitute when it's not that hard looking like any type of a fuggly idiotic guy to just have sex, especially if you live in like New York City. Look, I was a lot fatter than I am now. My interests were like, uh, fucking the hobbit, and I would go out and get laid every once in a while. So if I could do it every four, five months, anybody can. Why would you need a prostitute? You live in a different time. But when I was single,

you had to meet someone. Like, you couldn't just right, or swipe left. Like things are so easy to get laid now. There's fucking no one did internet dating when I was a single. That was like, you were pariah. Only the fucking creeps did internet dating. And but now I look and it's like, I would love to have Tinder and just swipe and be like, swipe, swipe, oh you swap, you basically swiped and said, I'll fuck you. Like that's ultimately what it is. Oh, that'll be fucking amazing. And I do, I think there's just like, just because it's just been around longer, like the hook up culture or whatever you call that,

it's just so much more intense now, like whatever the level of girls kind of like demanding this, this, this, and then you get pussy, that this, this, and this just gets less and less and less, like each year, like girls are, at least I think, more down than ever to just like go on Tinder, meet a dude and go fuck them. That's a podcast. Huh?

We just need a podcast. You could come up with a podcast called Fucking, meeting brand new people and having sex and probably people will be like, I wanna do it. Cause people wanna be famous. And they'd be like, yeah. So when this is, can I resweet this? I would love to, I don't wanna get back in, yeah. So when this is, can I retweet this? I would love to, I don't want to get back in the game.

I want to stay married, but I just think it would be so easier now to get laid. I had such a hard time. Yeah, I know, I think, but I never did any of that online dating stuff. You just go talk to girls after shows. If you're a comedy, you have to beat the most people. I've never done it.

I've been, I'm like, not relationship guy at all. Like I've been single for the majority of the time. I've never done it. I'm like, not relationship guy at all. Like I've been single for the majority of the time I've been in comedy. And you have never done the internet. I mean, comedy kind of does facilitate this. Like, you're out at a place where there's like drinks and girls, like every new well on stage. Yeah, and pretty easy.

Well, that's the other thing is that you kind of, well, for better or worse, I think, at least for me, is that ever since I got in comedy, it's like, yeah, if you do well on stage, like there's no better representation of me, I feel like there's no better way to like, hit on a girl. That's your resident.

After she saw me do well on stage, like that's the best. I'm never looking better at like some bar, so you know what I mean, so why even go there? I mean, what else would you like to do? I hope it was having the absolute lowest standard on who she was, what she looked like, and what she had to say

Oh, there's a caveat and this fucking equation of yours again. I need I need to clear Fire I'm talking about that I got laid about every four or five months But it had to be just a dragon from hell. I had a lot of it. I definitely high standards. Oh I get it from hell. Good for you. I was me. You're right though like fucking coming off stage There was no better there's no better sales pitch than like, then like this is me in 12 minutes. Yeah. Hey, what do you guys want to do now?

And I mean, but I'll tell you what, I think it's the downfall of good comics is when you start getting pussy-minded and you go to the road to go get laid. I mean, I worked with a guy who's like, I mean, he just does the exact same set every time, tight as fuck, 20 minutes to the time, and he only does it because he gets late,

and he's not always like 55. I worked with him, he doesn't look 55. Spends his days at the gym, not writing. Ritch loss? No. No. But I think that, I think it, you know, if one of the good things about being married

is you really don't give a fuck about women at all. Being pussy-minded is the downfall of men in general. It's like so, it's so idiotic. It's like you're way more, you're gonna get laid more when you have interests and you're doing something interesting than you are if you're like trying to get laid all the time. It takes you away from writing and stuff too.

You're constantly like, oh, I wanna get laid after a show. You don't go back home, listen to sets, write down material, stuff like that. Yeah, I don't hang out with buddies who like you're you know hang out with them all the time And then you go out to a bar with them and the whole time they're chasing skirts and you're like okay, so To a bar in the 50s There's a day you can tell how good I am at it by how I talk about it Jason skirts, I do all throw around some good pickup line. I agree with you, though, that it is like,

it does become this all kind of consuming thing. There's this weird dynamic that for guys too, I think that it's like, we start out, guys start out with no ability to get pussy and a rock hard bone or just all day long, like in fourth grade or whatever, you just have a book, and then it like as you get older. Oh great Jesus day Remember do you remember when you just get owners non-stop like for no reason at all you just get a boner and you're like

What the fuck is this I'm a boner right now But I know why do you guys haven't you felt like in your life like it like I look dude I remember like if you're dating a girl when you're like 17 18 It's like you want to fuck all the time and you have to convince them too. As you get older and older, it's almost like girls want to fuck all the time and I feel like guys, and there's science to like back this up, like girls sex drive explodes and like their 30s

and shit like that. Guys, you just kind of, like you were saying like if you got back in the game now, I think what you don't realize dude is you would have a higher status than you've ever had before. Just because like your older, your career is better than it's been. You know what I'm saying?

Like, oh, that shit. Girls, don't, I'm so much better of a poll now than I was 18 to some chick. But that chick at 18 is like physically perfect. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, if you go meet like the hot chick in high school, it's now is probably fat and like- Mutual depreciation. What it is, is you want to find a woman that you mutually depreciate.

Because what is happening is my stock is skyrocketed and my wife's just plummeting. When I met her she was like fucking 29 years old at her peak franchise player years. I mean just like fucking just come off a couple titles and I was and I grabbed her I snagged her but I had a small franchise and I started building and I started selling tickets in the fucking now it's like now and I don't think my wife appreciates that. I don't think I grabbed her, I snagged her, but I had a small franchise, and I started building, and I started selling tickets in the fucking, now it's like, no, and I don't think my wife appreciates that. I don't think she appreciates that I could score chicks hotter than her on the road.

I don't think she appreciates that at all. That used to be like, that's kind of like the deal, I feel like that marriage used to be, right? Like it's almost like, all right, you commit to like, you're with me for life, but I'll give you, like, you know what I mean, you'll get this hot pussy now. But then girls almost like took away that part of the deal.

It's like, oh, well, you can just get hot pussy now. Yeah, what a sour fucking deal. What a sour fucking deal is like, I'll give you this hot pussy, it's 29. And then you just gotta suffer through it. Well, you just make money for me and the family. What? And I get a nice, comfortable life.

What's happening to your wife? Do you have cancer? No. Why is she depreciating? You know, there's a lot of very attractive 50-year-old woman that I would love to have sex with. I'll show you a picture of my wife. No, she's my wife's hot.

My wife's hot, and I have a great relationship. I'm not shitting on her, but what I was always afraid of when I got married is that my wife would get fat. Like real fat. You ever see those women that like, they're really hot, and then they just came away because of the baby, it's tough to lose weight when they're out of the couch.

Like a hot chicken, her mother is just like a mess, and then you'll see like a young picture of the mother and she looked like her and you're like, oh yeah, she's like, I've never seen like a couple. I see it a lot, I'm more of a grownup than you guys, meaning like I hang out with adults also in comics. So like, I hang out with adults, not comics. So like, I hang out with adults.

Not the kind I hang out with, like real adults, like grown up adults, like people who like, they had the royal Shakespeare theater. I never felt so judged in my life. No, but like I didn't drop off at school. So I hang out with people that just have kids and like that's their fucking life. And guys a lawyer like, and the mom's a mom and you just hang out with them. You have kids and like, that's their fucking life and guys of lawyer,

and the moms of mom and you just hang out with them. And they don't, they have nothing to do with the business. Like being a comic. And then you have comic friends who, when you try to cross over, you see how different the adults are. Like my buddies for Easter, I don't know if you know who Joey Diaz is.

Joey Diaz for Easter comes over to my house one year and my wife is invited kids, my other than my friend's kids, and Joey brings edible marijuana and fucking no one planned on taking Easter with edible marijuana, but next you know, my dad's got a handful, he ate it on accident, I'm eating it,

and everyone's like, fuck, and my wife's like, you can't mix R2, you can't bring your comic friends around her adult friends, but I don't know how the fuck I got on this, but I was gonna say, oh, like when you ever friends around or adult friends, but I don't know how the fuck I got on this, but I was gonna say, oh, like when you ever, like with adult friends, you'll see like a good looking dude and like skinny with like a Patagonia jacket

and then like a obese woman and you just think, like what happened? Yeah, like what happened? I'm being judgy right now, but like you go, he can't be happy. She can't be happy. Like none of them, they met both attractive and that is like the fucking deal. I said it's my way for starting I was like, please don't get faxed. I think I'll cheat on you

She was like it's like like it's her fault of you. Well look everyone's By the way, I mean you have the perfect six pack to right now The fuck are you talking about? You're like better than a beast or gonna fuck around Are he's eyes players? Yeah He's a franchise player right now. People that have obesity are depressed, so why is she depressed, baby? Because I don't know, you're being an asshole. Okay.

If she gets fat, turn the TV on, I'm like, I'm on TV. That's what you get right now. But is it completely crazy to say, like let's say a guy is like a funny charming guy and he hooks up with a really hot chick and the chick really likes that he's funny and charming and he really likes that She's hot is it not kind of saying like if they get together in their own relationship And then the guy just stops being funny and charming. It's kind of like oh well, that's what I was attracted to About you and if you're hot at every comic you marry you just you don't see the funny charmings that 12 minute presentation You got a

Press alcoholic on the table comic fucking weaming himself off What yeah what comic is funny and charming when you live with them there are like who am I The point that I'm trying to make is that if it's okay to judge that I'm not saying that doesn't happen I'm saying it does happen. I'm thinking if it's okay to judge that I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I'm saying it does happen I'm thinking if it's okay to judge that why is it not okay to also judge the chick who lost the looks I always fucking think chicks are going around judging you chicks are the most understanding people on the planet They Judge women are the most judge We judge they judge equal amount You're insecure that's why you think chicks are like pointing out all your flaws

I you're right. I'm so understanding how to I don't stand about our bullshit and then we're just like don't give fat bitch You better not get fat, but I Wasn't having like a fear of women judging me. I'm just saying in a relationship Like if a woman's hot and then she loses her looks is that not a legitimate grievance. If that's your main priority, I mean... Every woman's gonna... Why does that have to be the main matter of visual animals?

And that is the truth, men are visual animals. So we are attracted to what we see and women get a connection differently than men. They don't look at their guy like, fucking love that body. I don't know, I don't barely, I don't know if I'm accurate on that. But there is something to be said for the fact that everyone's gonna get ugly, like everyone's going to get ugly. I keep in it forever. I mean, my wife, my wife is definitely looks much better than the average, like 40, whatever, three year old this year, 45 or whatever she is. But like, you better get that number right in case you can't get that. I know she's older than me and I don't like it.

I fucking wish she wasn't. I'm Michaelian Black and I were talking about it one time, his wife's older than him, and it sucks because they always go, God, I'm getting so old and you're like, yeah, you are. I'm not. I'm still very young. Like, I'm 42. Like, leave that shit to you.

But like, there is, everyone's going to get ugly and get old and everyone's gonna get ugly and I think what maybe men are doing, or I'll just say me, but I'm not cheating on my wife, but it's just like trying to hold onto your youth because boys, women grow up quicker than men. Like it's like at 11 or fuck. Emotionally.

13, it's like they killed a little girl. They killed a little girl. You can't find, look at a woman these days. You can't see her as a little girl playing with dolls little girl you can't find look at a woman these days You can't see her as a little girl playing with dolls. You just see a woman like a woman who carries herself Like but you look at boys like I can see you as a little boy right now Yeah, yeah, it's really interesting like a thing. Yeah, you can like I don't know There's something about guys that there's kind of just like they are who they are you know I mean it's like our cards are just kind of on the table at the second day that you I'd fight like five years old

You get a set of cards and that's you for it forever And you were cards are always there and they may get a little better, but they're pretty much that's it What about the crying that's very a little girl thing to do when your girls, you know something how she starts bawling I this guy I'm gonna say this I'm gonna say this and don't jump on me, but but this I'm gonna say this out loud I think it is so sexy when my wife cries. Like when she cries, it's like the purest representation of her soul. That's why you're in love, that's vulnerability.

You love her vulnerability. Whereas when you're dating people and they show a vulnerability, you're like, I can't. I gotta get out of here, I'll see you later. I gotta, you should never. You should have shown weakness in front of me. I don't, I think there's a gap between the two thoughts there.

To think crying is sexy, I feel like my girlfriend's, I feel like my girlfriend's crying. I'm like, I love you and I wanna, I help you and make you feel better. I'm not like, yeah, I can cry. I get turned on. Yeah, I like you, but-

She needs him, that's sexy. But when she, what she does is her lip kinda like- Is that the sex, that's the appeal of it is that she, you're like, she is, that's better sexy. When she, her, what she does is her lip kind of like, that's the appeal of it is that she, you're like, I don't know what is that spread or something. I find it. I find it so attractive. Well, you said she needs you. I mean, is it, what's the, what is that? Is it have to be desperate?

I find it so attractive. Well, I mean, is it everybody needs people? What is she usually cry over? Like, like, like, she, like, I mean, I probably can't say why, but like, not like, maybe if she looks like she's to a podcast. She, like, I mean, I probably can't say why. But like, not like, I'll fight. She looks like a podcast. You're a podcast.

She's like, Paul. You're with threats for that. You said I was 45 on 43. See, like, adults don't get this. Like, adults, lawyers don't get to sit in a fucking room and talk to people like this. Like, just totally free offending people on the internet, I'm sure there's a fat shaming website.

There's just fucking lighting us up right now. How dare you. But I don't know, my wife cried when her cat died, and it turned me on. Like it's just like, look, it's like a very pure, like I don't know if it's vulnerability, but it's like fucking raw. And like, her lip does this thing,

where it's, she has like a bigger top lip, and it kinda like folds a little bit, like just, and I just fucking turn it me on. You're kinda turnin' me on. I'm gonna go go go. That's our new website, womencrying.com. Oh, I wouldn't mind. There was that website.

There was a where you just look at people have a watch of people have orgasms. Have you seen that? No, I have. I forget what it's called, but you just go online and you just see that people's faces as they have orgasms. It's all girls. A couple dudes in there.

I've seen the compilation. They did it in a compilation. Yeah, it's all in a compilation. It's pretty interesting to watch people have an orgasm. I love it. I'm silent. I think I make like a fucking sniper face. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was talking about this the other day. I think when I fuck girls, I'll make some noise, but I think it's all for them. Like when I fuck you go, you know, when I come up, I'll be like, oh, or something like that. Like when I jerk off, I don't make a noise at all. Like I'm just fucking silently come. It's training.

It's training. This is how love them. If you think about it, all are, I've just fucking silently come. It's training, it's training. This is how love and if you think about it, I thought about this for maybe for fucking 15 years, but I'm really quick during sex, I'm always been quick. But I think that's our training. Our training is in a bathroom, tight quick, silent like a sniper, like just, oh, you can't make noises because you're gonna get caught,

you don't wanna get caught, you want it to be quick and fast. Whereas women learn sexually with a partner most of the time. And they learn, it's like, it's like, it's like, totally different. Like my wife has sex and she is sharing something where sometimes I feel like I've got my ear to the floor, like, you know, like listening, because that's the way I was trained. Yeah, no, no, no, no, I mean, it's like,

and then you're like, I wish she would make more. When you, can you moan and do something for me? Like, let me hear your enjoyment and then I're like, I wish she would make more. When you, can you moan and do something for me? Like, let me hear your enjoyment and then I'm like, uh, silently three pumps. You know what I mean? Oh, with my wife makes too much noise, I start having an orgasm immediately. Like, she starts going, oh, I'm like, okay,

why stop, stop, stop, you can be quiet like me. Right, that's hot. Yeah. All right, great. Another double standard. Another double standard. Yeah. She said to me one time.

She's like, oh, when you have sex, it's like you're the dentist. Like you just stare at me and me in my glasses. See, these hot glasses. I like when she wears. She's the one getting the filling. My right boys. Gross, Joe. Hey, you're not.

That makes you a real man. That makes you a real man. Um, what do you guys think about James Winston? Who? James happened with him quarterback news or state what it was a new story no no no the girl that he was accused of in 2012 is now filing a personal lawsuit against them why doesn't her dad just go with some of his friends and cuddle his right fingers off that's vigilante justice and it's a little I do that's what I do that's what I do that's my you know I don't know I don't know but for vigilante justice and it's what I do. That's what I do.

That's what I do. I don't know. For how long you just cut some figures off. I don't think he did it. I think he's showing a good shit out of him. You really don't think he did it. He can fuck any detail. I don't know if he wanted a Florida state.

Yeah, but that's forever. You can't say shit like that, dude. I mean, look, I'm just saying, I don't know the details of the case, but the defense of he can get whoever he wants isn't a good defense. I know. Lots of people. What if he prof what if he wanted that girl and she said no bill Cosby did could get lots of pussy I mean it's a doesn't like you know it there's lots of rapists who are like at high you know I don't know why I just don't have no you know it's not true maybe it's not you know I just don't think he did it yeah I don't know why

most rape victims I mean a lot of rape victims don't even report so the ones that do report they were raped. No, no No, that's not true either dude. That's not true either True, you can't just say the ones who report are raped like so that you create that you've made check 401 percent. No, that's not true. You're completely wrong, dude There's actual studies on the the the ranges from two to eight percent to 47 percent There's been a lot of studies done on this, but no one says point. Oh women make up rape a lot Dude that false rape

Accusations are a thing. I know several friends who have had false rape accusations against them I also know several friends who have been raped. I mean, you know that's but that is a real thing Do this UVH chick that a ton of brawl like things like that exists dude like that? That's you know they ruin people's lives. You can't yeah, the Duke lacrosse kids You can't do lacrosse kids. The trees went to jail. I wasn't like that was a kid someone. Yeah, it was a very similar I think his was statutory. His was statutory younger. Yeah, I don't remember.

I don't remember the exact I heard it on the internet. He was under age two. He went to like Juve. It wasn't statutory. It was that she said it was Yeah, but he went to a big boy jail for the summer. Okay, okay. Yeah, but he didn't do it though.

Like yeah, he did have sex with her. Yeah, he did have sex with her. He said, look, we're going off what he said. So, you know, but I believe he's being honest because he was the most honest person I have ever met. But I'm just saying, dude, whatever it is, I don't think you can say, oh, because he could have any chick he wanted, it's not right. But I also don't think you can just say, oh, because she accused him, it's rape. You got to look at it this way.

Let the court decide. Well, yeah, that's what they're going to do. The court did decide. Lawyers. Let them figure it out. But they did decide. And they threw it out. Yeah, the court did decide. But I don't know. I don't know. Not I'm not like the last thing I ever want to be is like a guy that doesn't because I'm a guy and I've been in weird fucking situations and I'm never I've never been accused of rape. But like I can only imagine I've raped. I can only imagine weird situations like that and i don't know what's going on

i hate to be the guy to jump off like when the duke across the n went down i was like that didn't happen i knew that my head i was like for some reason i was like they didn't they didn't rape that girl that that was fake um... which came out that it was fake that she made it up she just wanted money from them and that i think it is that he's about to sign a contract where he's gonna be worth so much money and she's doing it this time Why didn't she find the lawsuit right after it was dismissed? Well, because there were guys are about to sign a contract where they're gonna make a bunch of money and rape people all the time

I mean you can't say just because it would be beneficial to her that it didn't happen, you know Wait, so what's just I got somebody guys powerful doesn't mean someone's going after him just to get some of his money. I think I think powerful guys are more likely to rape They feel entitled well. I think the drive for power you could argue maybe is something you know And I mean like there might be a correlation and almost like the type of person who's got you know a lot of it's a powerless Men too that that one who establish power over anybody. Yeah, I think what you're saying is accurate. I think that I I think that you have to take with I think what you're saying is accurate. I think that, and I think that you have to take with, like with the fucking weight of the world,

when a woman comes out and says, I've been raped, you've gotta take that with the weight of the world because it is so much fucking paperwork. Like there's so much shit that this woman's now gonna go through in her life. Yeah, for a statement. But what about innocent, until proven guilty?

I mean, that's trying to be the thing too. Totally, totally, but you, and you got to accept in a same i believe in that same thing we go all right clearly there is a let's just though a real-round number out like fucking thirteen percent of the men have rape abilities in them their their they could rape a woman and and date rape and and all the spectrums of rape thirteen percent of the men well then you got the that's a crazy side of man that's a craziness in there we got to remember then there's probably third exact mirror number of women that are fucking crazy that would

probably fall so you accuse men of rape as well so I'm ship but I will just say I just I just can't imagine in this scenario accusing I don't know you'd have to be really out of your fucking mind to accuse the star quarterback of the national championship team someone's out of their minds look you got one way of the other way this is someone right someone's making it up and either way that's a fucking right this time it was for you that he was that he's convicted this happens he was a quarterback for that oh really it happened his freshman year he was red-chirping oh he was on the team but he wasn't the star quarterback well do i do i also do

i agree with like what jared saying that there is a lot of shit dude did you see the uh... i i it's not a tec talks but it's like one of those type of present you know that that's like a thing now just those presentations like with the european a big stage but monica lwinski gave yeah i think that was a that was a uh... was a

fucking hit home with me do you for a second put yourself in this fucking poor girl's shoes. She's 22, okay? The most powerful man in the fucking universe. Someone, something no woman could resist. Like, no, you know, and by the way, the feminist outrage is so quiet against Bill Clinton, it's ridiculous. But she's like, dude, I was humiliated. She said she wanted to kill herself from just being so mortified that she is. I'm edge of being a 22 year old

chick and you are the slut of the world. Like that's what you're known at. Like I mean that I don't know it really hit home with me Just for a second. I didn't see it. That fucking that must have sucked. I'm gonna watch that. Yeah, what I was what I was saying She says she could she hasn't had a job since well, I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't know maybe she talked about like this Drug love now she seems to be like kind of like okay with that, but you do for a second You're, yeah, well, we're all making jokes man. She was 22 that that's got to be fucking tough You're just like a completely under the radar person and all the sudden yeah Yeah, it's right out of college You did the thing that you're not supposed to do the chair on your dress like details You know like the stupidest decisions when you're 22 man nothing

I think when I just 22 this market was all garbage decisions. What I'm excited to comedy. Yeah, for example. When I first moved to LA, I had a TV show and I lived in this house in the hills and I thought I had it fucking made. I felt like I had everything going for me and I remember walking home one night in my roommate, Matt, was sitting on my bed with Monica Lewinsky and I walked in. I was like, I used to, I'm a big drinker,

but I didn't like walking through the house to go to the refrigerator. So you used to keep beers in a cooler, five in my bedroom, because I didn't know the other two roommates out well. So like, So you don't gotta qualify it, I'm a drinker too. You want some beers in your bedroom?

You're gonna work it out? So you were an alcoholic. I was. And so I walked in and I was sitting there and I was like, holy shit, I mean, I really like, I was actually in a great white shark You just like, what the fuck? And we ended up just sitting around having beers and sitting on my bed

And he was like, you know, and she was such a human person that you just totally forget about it It's like they should with Trayvon Martin or Michael Brown or any of these guys you totally forget like you made people may go Will fuck his parents didn't do whatever. You totally forget, they were someone's little kid. Like, just like anyone else. They were just a little kid that had dreams. And Michael, and that's the one thing that you get hooked on, is that the humanity of people,

you just disconnect. I think it's gonna be about being in comedy. I always felt like just within the first few years, there was something very interesting about that. Just, whatever it is that you kind of see some famous people or whatever, you know, whatever. It's like Chris Rock coming by the cellar or something like that. But you just kind of do get,

you're like, all these people you watch on TV, you're like, oh, they're people. Is it a weenie kind of like, Les, when you just know someone from TV, it is. We do that with the audience too. Oh yeah. Our jokes are just like, the crowds don't like this, this hits, that hits, they suck, they're good, they're hot.

These are human beings. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely not a bunch of human beings. Yeah, it's just one unit. You do dehumanize them, you forget that their opinions are maybe valid because they're humans. Right, you just think of them as this fucking cover all piece of thing that came to see you. It's a weird thing.

It's all like your perspective. You get lost and it's like what suits you. Did they like the joke or not? I remember being in a sales job before I started comedy and people, you know, it's just like you get lost in like it's like what suits you? Did they like the joke or not? I remember like being in a sales job before I started comedy and like people, you know, it's just like you get this attitude it's like, oh the fucking con came in she talked to me for 25 minutes didn't buy anything. Yeah.

But is she really a con? I mean, she's a customer of yours and she had some questions. I mean you didn't do a very good job selling it. Yeah, but at times have you fucking done that to people? What? Go in and store, look at your ship. Oh exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she's not a comfortable you're just only seeing this from your perspective you know like that's why Twitter and the shaming on Twitter is so fucked up because it's like nobody has to look someone else in the eye and and say you're a bad person you see what you see what you see what you see what humanity really is when you don't have to look at the chat threads on fucking YouTube if that is the canary in the mind for race relations we are fucked yeah I mean it is just

like I mean I remember me and this guy Tom's grown up you guys know Tom Tom yeah everybody that's pretty famous by the way no fucking famous Tom's comedy comedy oh yeah I guess in comedy I always think like I always think there's two groups New York and LA and and there are yeah, I guess in comedy. I always think like I always think there's two groups New York and L.A And and there are guys that I know in L.A. that I don't know if you know, but like you know I'm a Tom will be one of them and his wife I would know that you know, but they do have a popular podcast, but like are you should fear bridge this divide two years Yeah, he really did that. Yeah, um

Tom and I would read chat threads of this joke I had on YouTube I had to I had to take the chat thread out. I had to take the fucking joke off. And it wasn't even that bad of it. It was a very hacky joke. It was that I was driving to the venue that I was performing at and I typed in, keep me off highway so it took me through Compton.

And I said, I didn't realize it, I said take a left on Crenshaw, Boulevard, and punch it. Go, go, go. I was like, hacky joke and Punch It, Go, Go, Go. Hacking joke. But what was funny was that, and the joke was titled, this is back when you, I mean, I feel like I lived in a different generation of comedy. This is when in order to get views on your YouTube page, you'd put something volatile so people would click it.

So it was just titled Black people. So, Black people would click it and then watch it. But what they were really upset about was that Crenshaw doesn't run through Compton. So they'd be like, this cracker motherfucker, and then white people would just attack them and go, he's just trying to make a point. And then Asians would jump in and be like,

fuck both of you guys, you're both garbage. It was fucking fascinating. And so we'd read it back and forth to each other and be like, this can't be what people feel. It is really what people are really like. It was fucking fascinating. And so we read it back and forth to each other and be like, this can't be where people feel. It is really what people are really like or do you think that they heightened themselves when they get on online?

That's what I agree. I agree. No, yeah, I do. It's this like kind of, it's not so much saying what people are really like but it's kind of like a Lord of the Flies type thing. It's like if you remove all the, like you're removing the constraints that usually keep this part of people out

This is what it is. Well, this is what it is Fucking like maybe maybe six years ago I didn't I was I was doing Ontario improv and I we had a party at a thing my buddy James and Chris We're at a park. It was a kids party and they brought a bottle of Jack Daniels And they're like hey,, you wanna hit this? And I was like, oh, I got a drive tonight, I don't drink a drive, so I go, I got a drive tonight. So I don't think I'm gonna be able to drink today.

And they were like, oh, fucking, come on. And they're like, if you don't drink, then we're gonna look like shit. Like if it's just us drinking. And I was like, what do I cook, can I tell you? I got a drive tonight. So I walked over to the women, they were my wife and Marta and all our friends,

were all sent to the table, and they them drinking and they were I got to be a part of something I'm never a part of and that was um it's like this superiority of this like looking down to me like are you fucking are they doing that and I got to be on that group I'm never in that group and it was so fucking empowering to just fucking shame them and be like I yeah I don't get it and they were like they're like you're not drinking I was like I know I told them I didn't want't get it. And they were like, they're like, you're not drinking, I was like, I know, I told them I didn't want to do it, it's a kids party. And they're like, and they were doing it

about James specifically. And I was like, and it was so interesting, it was such a fucking like, like intoxicating feeling. Yeah, dude, this is, I mean, I'm not, I don't mean to say like, obviously, there's like a small level, but this is like how things like the Holocaust fucking happen.

Dude, people get in to fucking judging one group of people. Like, it is, it's like a fucking level, but there's like, have things like the Holocaust fucking happen. Like, dude, people get in to fucking judging one group of people. Like, it is, it's like a fucking drug, dude. Like, like being righteous and superior, it's like, it's something you gotta fight in yourself. You gotta go right here, the whole fucking show. Yeah, the whole show. The whole show, the whole show. I'm telling you now, what happened.

I didn't know what it was, until I saw you breathe and it shot out. He's enjoying being righteous. No, it's your right righteous. Here's the problem with special interest groups is like, it's like PETA. And by the way, I'm all about animals, but it's just interesting that PETA doesn't give a fuck

about Mexicans at all. Like they don't care about Mexicans at all. Like that is the most, I think, important issue in this country is allowing Mexicans who've been here citizenship. I do not understand what the fuck we're doing. Well, you start to talk about like you have all these things where you're like you'll care about like whatever some some issue of like you know people are suffering. You're like well why wouldn't we care about the ones who are like suffering the most?

Like the people who literally have the least who you know what I mean and it's just like but no one cares about real issues. You know what I mean they want these kind of like it's like if who you know what I mean and it's just like but no one cares about real Issues, you know, I mean they want these kind of like it's like if you you know Whatever like Hillary Clinton takes money from Saudi Arabia. Let's just let's just no no one cares Let's do Brit McKenry the fucking ESPN reporter that everyone's outraged I mean there's not one person that supports that girl and all of us have had her tow card Car toad and none of us had fucking walked in like thank you for doing that Who one of our friends some some comic I got that car posted Posted posted a thing like their Yelp reviews that that car towing place and evidently they're like a fucking horrible company that like all these people are

Shitting on it. No, it's like what did she say? Cartoon is the worst like it you can't even I've got my car I've been there when they're telling my car like please guys, please I have not that much money Can you please not sorry? We're doing it. It's it is it, it is fucking, it is cut it off and sear the limb at the fucking wound. That's how a towing company has to work. Like, once they get there, your car,

once they've undone their things, your car's done, and you have to pay for it. And it sucks. And sometimes it's this, and I think from what the, right here, this company was guilty of kind of towing people that were suspect, and and like and not really having like fucking legalities to it, but who's gonna write a positive y'all preview for it? But the company?

Well that's true, that's a good point. No one's, we got a great fucking job. Guys, they were professional, they were polite and after I paid the $800 they gave my car a right back. My buddy went on an interview for to work for a tow company, he wore like a shirt and tie and like sat down. He was like a young at the time and did a job and he sat down on the desk. The guy goes, uh, welcome, Mr. Leaver. And he goes, let me ask you this, can you fight? I'm going to go. Yeah, and he goes, great. You're hired.

Wow. Yeah. Can you fight? Yeah. People fucking know it. Have drivers. Rachel slurs lobbed at yeah, okay? You got this up I It's in but with that pole point is like everyone's fucking outraged and it's like I look back at the list of people We've been outraged about not I'm guilty of getting on Facebook and double-click and it and going oh that is fucking Selfie Auschwitz girl remember that girl. Yeah, fucking hate it her for a week and then she's gone I I get why like people hate her because a week. And then she's gone. I get why people hate her because she was very

country while she was doing it. But I've been in that situation. I've been in my head like I fucking hate you people. Dude, when you lose it, when you lose it and you're just trying to hurt someone's feelings, dude, we've all been there before. Where you're just fucking like, I'm there. And I'm just trying to fucking get,

and that's what she was doing. She was just, she was just, just look, I'm gonna, like that, I'm gonna go at your fat, your loser, I'm in a better place in life than you. Look, it's not she was doing. She was just, she just look, I'm gonna like that. I'm like gonna go at your fat You're a loser. I'm in a better place in life than you look. It's not a pretty moment It's but we all lost our shit But I saw the West West borough. What's it? What's it? Yeah, they were this is when the Michael's not Michael Sam. Michael Sam, right? Yeah

He's the game. Yeah, they were like protesting. I didn't know Westboro church was just bullshit. They're just like a glenching goofs. It's like a fuck, it's almost like theater. They tried to, they're just lawyers trying to get people to sue them. Yeah, they're just idiots. I thought they were real people. And we were in Missouri and they were driving by

and we saw them. I was with Tommy Giannigan and I was like, I'm gonna get out the window and I was like, fuck you, you fucking bitch. I got sewing, I go, you fucking faggets. I call them faggets. I was like fuck you you fucking paste I got sewing I go you fucking faggets I call them faggets I was like that was yeah there goes that point I guess I I was like oh I just completely flipped that I'm worse than you they weren't even using that language but I was trying to you know the most hateful thing I could come up with. Everyone's done it.

I got, I was very lucky and that I got tape recorded young in my career by the New York Times. I didn't know I was getting tape recorded. And that, once that happens to you one time, you're done for the rest of your life, and you never, you choose your words very wisely in moments like that. One time I got, what did you say? I just talked shit about Florida State, it was when I was in college. And I said, listen off the record.

And the guy was like, oh, of course. And I said, look, the school's being a bunch of fucking cunts. Like, I don't know if I said that, but a bunch of assholes, the teachers were being fucking backstabbing to the moment going to graduate me now. And they won't let me do it. And I told it all.

I wrote about it in my book, but I wrote a little bit. But, and I got tape recorded, and my dad, I called my dad, and I was like, he can't do that, and he goes, buddy, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He's like, you're in the public eye. You're welcome. It's interesting, we've welcomed this big brother. Everyone always was always afraid of big brother.

We've almost embraced it like, ooh, let's take our celebrities and let's fucking see how they react and back. I mean, look at PUNKED. The fucking people, they tried to take Tracy Morgan's car one time and he was not cool. Tony, what was about to kill somebody? Yeah, and we all giggle. And then when it happens in real life, we're like, fuck that cunt.

She's such a piece of shit. She's just what we knew. It's like when getting bit by a snake. You knew it was a fucking snake. She's a hot chick. This is how she's been her whole fucking life. She hasn't had to interact from much, and when she does, she loses her shit.

I had the girl from, we were talking about saved by the bell. The girl, the stacey, oh no, from Clueless. Stacey, the black chick from Clueless. Remember to keep the Clueless? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She, one time I was in a spin class, she took my bike. I had to put my stuff on my bike, my thing,

my shoes, my water, and then I went over to get something, and I came back, and it was on the floor next to it, and she was on the bike, and I said, whoa, that's my bike, and she goes, no, this is my bike. I said, my stuff was on that, she goes, oh, I moved it, and I went, no, no, no,

that's not how that fucking works. Yes, you moved it, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, it was like, no, this this is mine and it was interesting to me She didn't have communication skills at all. She didn't have any communication skills on how to interact with this situation All she knew how to do was go to the defect of Conti bitch. I have dude. I've I've experienced this before. It's like they have two speeds It's like the content or the like all they know how to do is one of those two shots Or yeah, yeah, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no exist in a different world. You have to admit this. You have to admit this, that it is the goal of the world. I'm not saying that I'm in a policy.

When you are a fucking supermodel, life is a little bit more downstream swimming. And of course, by the way, there are exceptions to this. I'm not, I'm not saying that. I happen to know that girl you're talking about as a Republican, so that's where I would put it. She's a fucking Republican, so.

Look, being a white male in this society is downstream swimming. It's a fun, it's not fucking upstream. You go like, and I'm not saying that that they're aren't like real hateful black chicks out there or ugly chicks, but I'm just saying like when you're like a fucking, like the industry that defines attractive people, Hollywood and modeling,

when they pick you and say you are top one of the hottest in the country You will now be in a movie or you will now be a reporter on the sidelines for fucking sports. I mean fucking When you when you look at a guy like a like what like some some you know a Superstar athlete or something like that where you go this guy has literally like his entire life He's been walking around with everyone like you're the man. you're this that is a type of thing that like a 10 You know what I'm saying when you made a girl that's almost like intimidating to stand next to those like just they have had this kind of thing They're entire life like everyone's just wanted to be around like they told him he's the legend Yes, you know they just have this different kind of like life's different

They think that's a good sure but then then we're meaning that it's like man and woman right because there's Yes, let me tell you something but in different ways. It's different to be Lebron than the hot chick It's not you know what I'm saying. It's like a for better. But yeah, well I don't think I don't mean maybe Lebron would be a little different of A lot of love Ron you'd been like it's cool up Ron he would have never Lebron would have never gone and picked up his car himself and if he had I bet everyone lose Your shit and the car he's like I bet everyone would lose their shit. And if he doesn't get it.

And if he's like, I whatever, I have millions of dollars. You can go do that, I don't care. I mean, me and my car got to toden college and John Daker, John Daker's car got toden. Let me start this all over. John Daker passed out the night for April Fools at a Taco Bell drive-through and a cop was behind him, knocked on the window, punched it, flew into a fucking dominoes. Yep. And so they empowered him to his car and when he got to get it

out it was like fucking a ton of money. And John Baker wiped his ass with the bills just fucking went and to give him just like fuck these guys. Can't take my car but he did get a DUI. But but I don't think anyone's it's I just think it's amazing that we've embraced this fucking society that is snitchy Taddle-tally because that's what Fahrenheit was it what was big brother? Am I fair enough? No, that's 1984. Yeah, 1984 was all about yeah fucking big brother watching us and we'll never want that People are outrage you put cameras on the fucking stoplights Yeah, but what a fucking genius. I mean or well was to to be in the 40s to predict how fucking, you know, I mean, look, maybe it should have been called 2015. But what a fucking accurate, like, obviously not exactly, but really kind of got where society was going, like the direction.

But yeah, it's amazing how much of it's volunteering. I wanted to videotape someone on my flight last night. They were being a jerk. They were being a jerk to the flight attendant, and they weren't fucking listening, and they were just like, they were above it. It was, by the way, it was a very attractive woman. And she just was above it. They were closing the door, no one can get up, and the girl just stood up, she said,

ma'am, I need you to sit down. She goes, I'm using the restroom. She goes, no ma'am, I need you to sit down. In order for you to close the door, I need you to be sitting in your seat. She goes, I'm gonna just use the restroom real quick. In a weird way I wanted a videotapic because I thought maybe I'll get some hits. Maybe if I periscope this, everyone will fucking- I get more followers. That is what people feel. That's why I saw it. I got fucking- I fell off a waterfall recently and I really fucked up my back

and I was on this trailhead in North Carolina and I thought I shattered my spine and I thought I fucking broke ribs, and these girls were fucking videotaping me. It was so fucking, and my whole film crew there, and these two girls just pulled up and they're like, who is he? Cause they see the film crew.

And they're like, oh, it's, he was a show, they didn't even know who I was, and I watched the girl just start tape recording it on her phone, just on the slide. And I wanted to go, I wanted to go, I just, it was like so weird. And I was like, what is that behavior? She just wants to get hits on her channel so that people fucking to be fake. I don't know I was watching I was doing a show at Gotham. I was hosting it and Jerry Seinfeld came on okay

He gets on stage everybody stands up everybody gets their phone out and starts filming him Everybody won't stop talking. He's here Jerry Seinfeld's here. It's like then like four minutes go pass He's going okay, okay, and then like five You guys shut the fuck up and sit down. He'll do the thing He's here, but they don't connect it to that. It's all just Capturing that they were that they are somehow touching it. Periscopes gonna fuck it up. Yeah.

Periscopes gonna fuck up shows. Because people just start periscoping so they can give viewers, hey guys I'm periscoping, Bert Chrysler's hour special. Click and then you're just sitting there on stage and you're doing a whole set, you have no fucking clue.

And this guy's got fucking 7,000 followers. Can I record? Oh it does record. And so then that'll be someone set and do live streaming your sets. That will happen. I guarantee it. And then when you do what Patton did and say,

remember, everyone was outraged to Patton? Because he fucking told some heckler off. Yeah. And everyone was like, fuck Patton, how dare he? And Patton, I think Patton had to want fucking apologize. But people tape-acorning such, you're not gonna do that. This is my art.

Patton was what he explained himself, but he did not. I don't think he, and I think he didn't need to apologize. He didn't say, I're not allowed to do that. This is my art. Patten was what he explained himself, but he did not. I don't think he, and I think he didn't need to apologize. He didn't, and I don't think he really apologized. Okay. I think he just explained what had happened, you know. He was like, come on. I used to, I used to sit in the back

and want to tape record everyone's fucking set just so I could listen to it at home. When you're trying to figure out comedy, I definitely recorded one of the tell sets. I sat back, I had my record for my set, I was like, I had extra time on here, he's doing 15, I just clicked it, and I just, I walked, I can tell you exactly where it was, I walked down one block east of, a one block west of six street, it's called I forget it's, God, I forget the name, I used to live on the street, and I remember

walking down and listening to his set like secret, I was like name. It's I used to live on the street and I remember walking down listening to his set like secret. I was like if anyone knew I did this, they'd fucking hate me. I just was listening to him going, how does he figure this? What is this premise? Like this is what you couldn't get on YouTube

and look at comics and figure out how someone created a joke. You had to fucking sit in the clubs. Did you, do you think that it helped, like you figured anything out from like listening like that? I went, my first real joke that I wrote that was good was complete. David Tell set up punch, complete. Yeah. And by the way, I can't claim any of this joke.

The real joke, I was on a flight to Scotland to go meet up with Patrice and Vos, and I got cut off on the plane. And when the waitress cut me off I was just fucking drunk and she was like she was about to cut me off and I took my finger on her lips I went shhh and I told Patrice that and Patrice is like it needs to be a cop I was like what and he goes the the stakes are higher with the cop it's no one's gonna give a fuck that It's a stewardess make it a cop say and so I was like how do I write that joke and I just literally thought how would David tell right it literally said to myself you know what cops hate when you touch their faces that's exactly and that was my first joke that ever fucking worked I did a lot of that when I was young and comedy just kind of

writing in other people's voices you know you have an idea and you go well what this guy a million people did head Burke a million people did head Burke yeah no one's done Bobby Kelly and Isn't that interesting? No, I've been, no. I've been writing exclusively in Bobby's voice. For some reason. I write in his body. So a lot of weird like crutches that young comics use, and then eventually you just kind of realize

it's completely unnecessary. I was definitely guilty of the fucking dain cook hands. Sure. You know what cops hate when you touch the fucking hands thing. I see comics, I saw comic do it the other day. He was a little older and I felt like, oh, you never grew out of that. Yeah.

It's weird like eventually you just kind of realize it's like, but why don't you just do it the way you would do it? Yeah. You know what I mean? Just tell it like you would tell it. You're a person. You need to get there first.

Yeah, yeah. Like it's one of those things where you just got to like, find your, I don't know, find your voice is like the partist thing to say, sometimes I like, oh, I found my voice and I'm like, I don't even know if that's my vocal voice. Yeah, I think what, like what I'm saying about that and that's not even like finding, I think that's the first starting point to find your voice.

It's to like, you know, like, drop doing someone else, you know. How can we fuck with him? Oh, yeah. Let's see. Because he he's gonna come back. We need to get him into a heated point We'll just be like oh we don't women are evil no, then we gotta just come up with like a thing that we all agree on I mean I was already there with the women are evil thing That's all say that we've been able to suck our dick and see if we can get him to say he did is I don't think it's gonna work. I don't think Jared's both He's too old-fashioned. Yeah, he's too fat. Maybe we're all full of life

We're all really throw away. We all put fingers up her ass when we jack off You guys gonna do that? Can we be the perfect one? We'll be the perfect one. I was I was kind of into that one Should we do that one the thumb in the ass while jerking out just a nice just a tip Yeah, okay, and you bring it up I'm why I say like I'm gonna bring it up Actually, and I'll just chime in and I know we're all time in together. Just no confidence I gotta go for this. I'm doing them. What's gonna be I don't know. It's gonna be something more

Ethical Let's just let's unethical about putting a finger up your ass No body my choice. I'd have to be like Yeah, Bobby Kelly is calling you right now. Oh, Don't speak. Thank you. Thank you Bobby Hello, are you watching? Yeah, I'm watching and you guys are whispering in the mic Hey, Bobby. We'll call you right back.

Hey, were you talking about right before this? That thought was interesting. Oh, were we out? Thumbs in our butts? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, we've all done that, Bobby. Isn't that crazy? Have you ever done that, Bobby?

I heard you. Set this up, dumb dumb. Hey, fuckface. He just got back in the room and the setup was happening right now. And if you heard us set us up Why wouldn't you join in and be a part of the fucking gag? Oh shit, sorry It sometimes are used to where thumbs on the fact you're

I don't like how much better you are hosting my show that I No, it's because I know I'm not better at hosting your show. By I'm really having a, I never get to hang out with comics I don't know. And so it's fun as fuck to be like, to feel like it's like an open land. It's like a whole field of interesting subjects I want I can talk about. Yeah, but none of those guys would come on when I ask them, but when you were hosting the off game, well, I'm paying them all I'm gonna show with you Bobby I've had some great lines buddy I love you buddy you're the best I love you too Bobby. I'll talk to you later buddy. I think that was for me

I love you too Bobby. I'll talk to you later buddy. I think that was for me Alright, I gotta get going I have to I'm fucking up front But anyways, we all joke off of the thumbs in our ass. How about you Jared? I'm at a woman put her thumb in my ass and it felt like I'm taking that 50% victory for us right there We got to what we got a thumb in the ass out of it. I I raised Well, you know woman. Why would she put her thumb like she was hitchhiking? Maybe it was her index to be honest. Yeah sorry, I can't hang with you guys.

You ever hear of one of my favorite jokes of all time? Gary Shanling, because every time I have sex with my wife, she always yells the same thing, not in the ass. And I'm always like, honey, it's my thumb and my ass. Gary Shanling is fucking talented. I'd like to see more of him. He's gonna be like 70 something now. He's dead, isn't he?

We can't be 70. I bet he's 60s, though. Early 60s. Are you guys gonna keep going when I leave? No, I'm gonna go too. Okay. You guys wanna all plug stuff real quick? Grab your phones, talk about your dates.

Guys, I'll be on another podcast in an hour. I'm not gonna lie, that's literally all I have. So podcast so goddamn much. Yeah, a lot of fun. These games last night this today, and the podcast is still in the room. By the way what I have. So podcasts so goddamn much. The media this game's last night, this today, and the podcast. By the way, it'll ruin you for road radio. Like, like when you go to Bob and Tom, it's not like a podcast.

And they just want to stick like radio. It's like, well, they, you know, it's one of the things, it's a different muscle. I remember first doing Rogan's podcast, thinking I was having, going to have to do bits. And I just got on and we just kind of rambled. And I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome. And then you go and do, you go and do like real press

and they want, they still want bits. Dude, road radio is wrong. They're always like, go ahead, do your bits. And I'm like, we can just talk, it'll be super funny. There's nothing worse for a comic than doing your bit in some other capacity than stand-up. There's just, it's made for that. Not for like, it's really beautiful though.

And this might be dead I don't know, but like there was a period where you do radio and you do bits, but they didn't know you were doing bits and they just thought you were the finest person in the world until you had to come back and you were like, you were like, and I mentioned my, my black friends name's imaginary and they're like, what, and like never mind.

Let's promote anything to promote. I have a podcast called Berturtcast, check it out. I got Jim Norton on last week. I have Kurt Braunhoeller on this week. All you guys, if you come out to LA, you're more than welcome to be on my podcast. Please let me know when you come out to LA. Just hit me up and go, hey, I'm here.

I love to podcast because this was a fucking blast. I don't fucking blast doing this. Yeah, dude, yeah, yeah. I bet a big fan of yours. No, this is a fucking me too. It's cool that we, it's what's cool is that everyone like there's no it was like everyone had their opinions and no one it was like no fucking glad-handing it was just fucking fun because there's no

fucking women here. Hey boys. Yeah bitches. What do you guys? Any dates coming up? I got an album called My Brave Battle. It's on iTunes. Please get it. I'll be in a Side Splitters in Tampa this weekend. I'm really glad. Yeah, and this is coming out not this week. Well, it's on TV, I thought. We're doing all this TV, horse shit.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Bobby's watching. That's right. Bobby got to come out. I think so. And then May 7th to the 10th. Is that better? I'll be at Go bananas and Cincinnati.

Come on out. That's great club. That's great. I'll be at Go bananas and Cincinnati. Come on out club. That's great. That's for my favorites. I love it. So come. Do you tour with John again at all? I did for a while. Yeah. That was the best. I worked with him in Penguins in Quad Cities.

I've never seen him before. Yeah. And I was like, when I was probably young at headlining, maybe I was like 28, 29, maybe 30. And I just thought I was a monster. I was a monster hack, I think. But I was just, I was murdering. And I was fucking walked into the club

and I met this little kid with glasses who looked like he was fucking rapable, like just more lustful. And I was like, watch him go on, and he fucking like flamethrowered that room. And I was sat in the pack and I was like, oh shit, I need to start writing. Like I was like I was like fuck and hung out with them all week He didn't drink at the time. Yeah, he didn't do anything except fuck to porn star once and he told me that story twice

And then and then I had just hang out with him and he's got. He's a fucking talented com Yeah, you just shot a pilot it was unbelievable. Oh my god. Yeah, it's the same dance. He's called Tommy no He's muscular now. He's not a little boy looking He's muscular. He's got muscles now. Great and he's got to have a TV show May 7th through 9th or 10th I'm up stand-up live Next week I'm in House of Comedy in Minnesota then Liberty live in West Nyak DC improv Chicago helium fucking Virginia Beach Pittsburgh Addison Houston the night before Addison. God bless go to Berberberber.com. I got Bobby's day too, quick. No, let's go. Let's wrap it up.

Here, let me read Bobby's dates. Oh, these wow, look at this. Bobby's at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, April 24th. He's in Laf Boston, May 15th ish. He's at Salt Lake City at the 50 West Club June 9th 18th the tree house sports haven New Haven June 27th August 17th He's in governors in Bohemia New York and August 18th. He's in governors in brokerage Belmore New York and go to Bobby Kelly dot com or our Kelly what's our he's in Robert Kelly live and buy his merchandise. I'm sure he has triple exels Nothing, oh, I guess I'll just open Good seeing you guys, it's very truthful. Hey, thank you guys for doing this. Thank you for letting me hang with you guys I had a fucking blast like I said if you're ever in LA everyone hit me up come pop a pop you go out podcast

All right, yeah in essence anyone want to party words oh I just plug up Legion of Skanks check that out if you don't we got um oh I'm gonna try to get on yeah we we'd love to we were talking about that the other day uh Lewis was telling me was trying to get you on or whatever so that'd be great I watched the full episode with Sam Roberts when you guys had him oh yeah oh yeah you were like in the chat room I was in chat room I was in a chat room I I was like fucking bird criteria in our chat room right? I was in the chat room so I was like oh shit I can chat so I started live chatting and then people started fucking hazing me and I was like fuck this

I don't need this Yeah, and then but I'm gonna try to do it May 6th or 7th Oh, dude that would be that would be awesome. We got so we got um Doug Benson coming on this week So for that we'd be really excited to get you on yeah, so so we're we're fucking yeah, check that show out if you guys if you haven't already. Alright, alright, everyone be good to here. Did everyone pull everything? Yeah, we got everything. Joe, I think so. Okay. Alright, thank you guys for doing this.

God bless America. If you were outraged, remember all emails go to Robert Kelly live at gmail.com. I love you. Oh, at us all on periscope. Drive to hit stop record. Oh, so it's I decide when this is over? Yeah, no, no, no, no, stop. Stop button. And that's a wrap, bitches. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs.

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