Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Gypsy Curse Fat

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

This weeks YKWD “Gypsy Curse Fat” has @JayLarsonComedy, @PaulVirzi, and @BrendanSagalow join Bobby on how to behave in public and avoiding cheap tropical liquor! Dude! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is going to be a cost-effective podcast. No rules. What are the mic-ass holes? I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a mic-a-phone? No, fuck the fuck.

That was trying to keep it like a comic-head. I have a bunch? No! That's a fuck! That was trying to keep it like a comic-can. I have a bunch of you guys on. It's just us sitting down, yapping. Sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's 10 no topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin! That's how it all holds the dots you love a lot.

I don't want to do anything. My podcast is popular enough, but I might affect some of these lines. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on lightcast.com. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. This is good thing when YKWD is back to form now because what do you mean? I'm going to tell you.

I just took a dramatic pause. I'm sorry. I like it. I'm not afraid of dead air on podcasts. I like some shows. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mind it. I'm not afraid of dead air on podcasts. I like some shows. I don't mind a hunk of dead air. I have a lot of dead air in my podcast, especially when I speak. Okay.

First of all, I want to thank my manager, I mean, not my manager, my agent, my agent, Matt Frost. Look at that. For my birthday. What a fucking great thing. What a nice thing. What are those chocolates? Yeah, chocolates.

You got a bunch of chocolates? That man chocolates, Chubby. No, they're cigars, fat tits. They, uh, pretty sure you know, we're able to say fat tits to somebody. You could always. Okay. I'll be taking down.

Yeah, Oliva, Sagar of the year. I went to a Holtz and Philly when I was there. 150 dollar gift certificate. Unbelievable. Thank you very much, Frosty. Frosty 17. Big super agent. CAA.

Biggest guy on the fucking East Coast. Started with nothing. Now he's everything. Beautiful. Boxes of cigars. Not a cigar. No. Not a cigar. Here's a couple of cigars I got Beautiful. Boxes of guys, not a cigar.

No. They're not a cigar. Here's a couple of cigars I got ya. Did you spend fucking $14? Fucking $150. Wow, cigar of the year. Love it. And one of my new favorite cigars.

I wanna think laughable.com. Laughable is the only app. Have you used laughable? Have you used it? Yeah. It's so cool. It is, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome Have you used it? It's so cool. It is, right? Yeah.

Yeah, it's awesome. It's insane. And those guys are so nice, Ned, and all that. Let's not get carried away. Okay. They didn't get you cigar, so sorry. Sorry, all right.

No, laughable, laughable, the app is insane. If you like podcasting and you don't use laughable, you are gone. And you can buy tickets to people's comic shows. One click, thumb, bang, fingerprint, you're in. You get pick your seats, you take it to there. You're gonna start doing a bunch of stuff for the SAP. Get on on it now, laughable.com.

It's the only way to listen to podcasts. Because, you know, we got all these people on. If you listen to my show, all of a sudden you'll see them and all the other shows that they've been on, all the other podcasts, so if you, if you like me, and you listening to listen to my show, all of a sudden you'll see them and all the other shows that they've been on, all the other podcasts did. So if you, if you like me and you listening to me on a show, you're going to see all the other shows I've been on. It's pretty insane. It's a remarkable functionality is insane. Yeah, it's fucking crazy, dude. It is. I do it without the, the f'ing. Oh, sorry. We're I mean, you have to, we're gonna get into some swearing

on the show. I just, I tried to get into it, man. I'm right into it, man. Thanks, buddy. All right, so we get a lot of stuff to talk about tonight. Um, Mike's on tilt. Mike, you off tilt? There's no community, bro.

Just taking care of everything. Yeah, you're saying, yeah, use the microphone. We're on a show. I want you a fucking hatred on record. This is the only way it's funny. No, I love my Gabby, a bone to pick with Gabby. First week in, bones, bone to be picked with the, oh my God. Oh, no, I can't wait for it because I think it'd be good for me.

You're a trouble maker. You should. I think I can mediate it. No, I hope you do. I think you should stay on that side of the room. I, I, that's what I'm not afraid of being wrong. No, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Yeah, I hope you do. I think you should stay on that side of the room. I, I, I, I'm not afraid of being wrong. No, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Jay, you know what?

I feel like I'm wrong. Well, you know, you've already lost. I know I just admitted to it right away, but what I do, we're going to get into it. Oh, that's why I, why don't you introduce the guests first. Okay, we have Brendan. Thank you. I thought you were going to say my last name.

Do you want me to say it? No, it's okay. Why don't you say it were going to say my last name. Do you want me to say it? No. It's okay. Why don't you say it? Sagalo. You forgot it. I don't know. I don't know.

We have Brendan. You got to say his last name, huh? Sagalo. You have to. Well, no. You can't just say Brendan. I thought it was like a casual fun thing. Okay.

You can say it. I thought she's never listened to my show ever. She's the producer of my show. I'll do it. Never has listened to one show ever. She's the producer of my show. I'll do it never has listened to one Fucking episode. Can we talk about how amazing that last name is? Sackalo. Dude, what's up? Sackalo. No, it's terrible. I love it. How many times you could call Fagalo every day of my life? Fagalo douchebagalo. I laugh like I was in ice cream. I mean, it's fucking hilarious. But yeah, every day of my life, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, every day of my life, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry about that. Did I say that with dead eyes? Like it was said? Yeah, you did. Oh, it does hurt a little bit. I'd love to see you like at the DMV, like getting your license and they're like, like, fucking fabulous. Sorry, man.

Just pull out. I guess I'm going to pick you. Oh, there he is. Yeah. And Jay Larson. Cool. Yeah. Oh, she got that in quick and Jay Larson. Cool. Yeah. Oh, she got that in quick.

Jay Larson. Welcome to the show. Oh, man. Excited to be here. Haven't seen last time I saw you. It was a year ago. It's right. Almost to almost to the month. It's right. Almost a garden, baby.

Boston, God and God. It was so much fun. God, the fucking God and do me and Jay Larson. Who'd have thought, you know, um, that was the first time I met you. Yeah. Well, now we've met a long time ago. Like I said, we met before that a little bit. You know what I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I, you know, I hate when that happens.

Dude, that's the first time I met you. No, I met you a couple times before. Yeah, I purposely. Dude, I was at your house, remember, for that, the crew, your daughter's prison. That's my daughter. Imagine you, it was that deep. I was at your wedding, dude.

You fucked up, dude. You were pretty fucked up. I don't drink for 30 years, and I don't have a boy. I don't drink for 30 years and I don't have a boy I don't have a daughter no I but he we're he was wearing an Ursula wig all weekend so maybe I'm Ursula great Great hey, it's gonna be a lot easier than a straight kid tell you that much right now. Why dude with the gay kid You just like dude sex talk is just like dude make sure you power your boy out You just like dude sex talk is just like dude make sure you power your boy out How you doing? Let's not with the fucking mayor shit You're late. I write you hey

Where right down a street? You know, are you fucking... I'm not sure. I've seen this before. Listen, it probably only took two minutes. So I could, I was still late, late to late, but it would only been three minutes later. It's going for me. You helped her, huh?

Over the fucking, you know, like the metal gates. I laughed at her, you just sat in the back. I thought that I was there. She was like, hold on, she was old, and I just walked by. But you didn't help her? No, there were other people there, help her. You didn't help her? Why were you late other people there. You didn't help her? Why were you late?

I got a phone cast to get to. What were you two saying? What was that ever to do with anything? Why were you late? I was, there's just parking. I was, I've been done how long? I've been on this show, really? I don't have a three minute fucking.

You have a minute, but listen, you don't. I've been doing this show how long? So many times, always, early to first one here, like a fucking asshole Well, everybody marches in people come out of the bathroom. I'm four minutes late, and I get shit I was four minutes you were three minutes How many minutes is it really at Gabby? Seven seven

No, no, I was buzzing she took a little long getting it dead. She did. Oh my god, and wait Who the fuck are you? I'm new fucking person out here every time somebody's new I That's a seat to kill it. I'm really I'm My be empty again like I can't keep manager in the 80s this fucking seat Is this fucking seat? What the fuck? What the fuck?

First of all, look, this is what's killing me. Okay, Paul Ferris, everybody. It's good to see you, buddy. Good to see you, too. Yeah, I just took two things in bugging me. Oh, go ahead. You just get back from your honeymoon vacation. Oh, yeah.

You lost my tenure. Which makes me sick. Did I? Yeah. No, I sported out. I was drinking like a fucking hell. You lost weight. Thank you. You know, if you're saying thank you, you know, you lost weight. How'd you lose weight? No, you can say

You're taking it you're taking the these people's part right on the gate Jay's on their side by the way listen these losers lose T I learned okay fun carried away. Don't call my staff losers Actually, I never met Jay before but I think you're very funny and I remember watching you years ago on something I'll see the guys funny so nice. Thanks, man. I see you too. I hear nothing but good things next we'll see you know Well, so it works out. We may hate each other Yeah, you know get you know. You know, are you two done? What?

Are you done? I also think you're funny. Thanks for making me look back. I think you're also funny. No, please. I mean, I get it. It's like the second thank you. I really can't do it.

I don't know if you could have come in at a pot. That really wasn't asked. That was a very sincere thing that Paul did. You just decided to take that part of that. I just want to be accepted. Next thing is to tell you he gave 10 bucks into the kitty for the cigars. My, my, my fucking, I'm in Philly. I go to the halts, which I love. $150 gifts have been given for me from my agent. Wow.

Matt Frost. Boom. I bought a box. I brought, I, I, I didn't open them because I knew you're gonna, I'm gonna see you. I waited for you. I appreciate it. Yeah. I, as soon as I saw that, you know, but I might keep them them because I knew you're gonna I'm gonna see you. I waited for you. I appreciate it Yeah, I soon as I saw that you know, but I might keep them close because you lied about the fucking lady I got something what a delay. He have to do you be a late You know what I stopped and I glanced for a little bit and in my mind. I'm going on three four minutes late

I could maybe get a minute from this so yeah, you're right. It was it was it was it was a it was an excuse to gain a minute Okay, so you so you were six minutes, but you what it is? You want to know what it is? I do, I love him. Yeah, because I fucking, I love you. I love you. Okay, yeah, and I come to your show, always I'm fucking time. I'm god forbid, I can't, God forbid, I can't, Gabby's sitting,

I just fucking met Gabby. I got, when I got the text, oh, this is Gabby, who I don't fucking know, yeah, sure, I'll do it, I love him. I'll do it, she's standing at the thing, fucking like a vulture over a dead body before I get there, tell me to come in. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All right, that's all. I'm gonna say. I'm so kind to you at the door. You are, but you know, you were eager. I just love that if no one said anything, I'm actually a fucking sweetheart. You could ask this guy. You could ask this guy.

I'm not, I'm a body. Ask me. I'm this guy. He's a sweetheart. Let me take something. He's a sweetheart who tried to use a portal ladies and excuse I do want to say that if we never commented he just would have skitted by on the fact that everyone got no fucking loyal

like that we're headliners I mean yes back and I compliment the guy I saw you years ago I have a loyalty to the truth, bro. Here's a deal. I'm trying to get Mike to bring up a thing on the, this is what I hate. And the first thing I've said to both of these guys, if you can't do it or if you can fuck up, just say I fucked up.

Yeah, don't lie. Don't come up with excuses. I hate excuses. And I says Mike, put the thing up because I got it. So I'm watching him, he's not doing it. He's just panicking. Mike, Mike, can you do it? I got it. And then he can't do it. I go, Mike, put the fucking

it's a two minute click. Boom, fine. He's like, I'm doing it. I'm, I'm, I'm literally watching him not do it. Then Gabby takes his side because you know how they fucking side against you. Because you know, alpha males are, I'm gonna tell you the truth. But you want to know? Yeah, some happen. I'll tell you. Okay. I mean, the lady fell. I did see a lady fell. That you pushed her. No. I pushed her so I had a, I was like, this I need a five minute something here.

No, I got back from Hawaii. I haven't been up in days. As I was walking by, I was walking down over there. Yeah. Someone, I recognize a kid. And you see, I'm doing a show in here. I was over at the lantern. Oh, listen, listen, hold on.

There wasn't even a lady No, no, it wasn't lady. I swear to God. She's going in front of the crisly pair There's fucking a concoction. That's a fucking old no, so I'm coming here and I haven't been up in a while And you know, we know it's like you're not up for a while on my vacation I was walking by this guy go hey dude and I go I'm going to do Bobby's podcast. I gotta do it I looked and it was like a 41 842 and he's like you want to go up a do time I was like I'd have to go right now when I got off stage you did Yeah, the lady

Bobby are you gonna I'm coming clean here. I know you're not coming clean out of the gate That's like I did it now he's done Statule limitations I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you

I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you

I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you Three minutes to nine. Yeah, I fucking leave the village lantern, which is, you know, two blocks away. Yeah, and then going through the people saw the lady buzz in the thing. It's 905. So that's what it was. It was not.

It was not when I buzzed a thing. It was, I mean, it was. Listen, you're not even gonna take the hit on that. You're still right. You're still gonna fucking. You're still gonna be right on that. I cared, I cared in that light, but I granted I was a stage. I can't.

You can't lie. You can't lie. You can't lie. No, no, no, lying would be. Lying would be. You're so Italian. No, no, no, you should have been in the fucking house. You should be in the mall. No, Jay, lying would have been this.

Well Paul, did you do something? Did you get on stage and me going, no, no, no, no. I don't know. Oh, you fuckers, an explanation if I do a spot. I owe you an explanation if I'm late. But. Listen, first of all, why do you call them fuckers? I didn't say any fuckers you fuckers pointed everybody said you fuckers and then you went you now hang on a second

I guess this is not me. All right. I'm not don't do this Go I Yeah, so I was a fucking stage whore. I ran and it did it, thought I could get back. That's fine, you could have just said, when you walk up dude, did a spot, I was a little late. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Can I just, you know, you know, great Jay.

I just wanna say my favorite thing about him right now, and this is hilarious characteristic of you, is he tried, he tried to loop you in and make you agree with him, he goes, you know what is? You haven't been up in a while so you can But it worked because I didn't realize he did that to right now and when he did it, I'll take it back on I liked that how it is fucking Jeremy. I'm gonna have to rob a bank with you

Two seconds we press you. Next thing you know, you give it to me. All right, not for nothing. Listen, we rubbed the back. Okay, we did it. But I didn't rob it. It was Jay's idea. His man, his cousin.

I had to change your heart at the getaway car. I left her. Isn't it, deal? I cheated on my wife and a wife on the honeymoon. I didn't want to say anything. I was the way here. Can I be honest? I listen.

We got, of course we got, we got, we got a great show here. I want to do this area. We got Mike, Mushi Mike. What's up? The new producer, we got Gabby. Sitting there, we're Lauren used to sit, Lauren's moved on,

she's doing some of the stuff right now. She got a great new job and she's living a life. So, and we got, of course we got the new guy, Zach, doing all the video. So I want to thank those guys, but we started out a little rough today. Because, well, I'm, you know, last, I'm gonna, I got a little ball to pick with Gabby.

You know, last week, I'm like, I'm trying to book the show. You know, I'm trying to book the show. And she brings up, you know, what about how Ricky Villes? I go, nah, you know, I got Jay, I go, I want, I like to book a certain, you know, I like this type of people on the show.

I like this certain thing because when you have the same guy on, it's the same, the vibe is a little, you know, I like, I know how to book a show, you know what I mean? I'm like, nah, nah, nah, let's go, okay, okay. What about, what about, what about, so we stop, you know, we stop, we're throwing our names, bang. And then, uh, what about that? So we start, you know, we start to turn our names back. And then, uh,

what in that day? Well, I go, all right, he can't do it. He can't do it. Okay, cool. And she's like, well, what about Ricky Villas? I go, what the fuck's, what, what are you? What the fuck's up, a Ricky Villas? Why?

Literally, I'm like, no, I don't want Ricky Villas on this fucking show. Now I don't want. I like Ricky, but now, again, a couple of people like I can't do it but Comes back to me later the same day. It was twice three times no three times. No way. I'll get the text message And I will and you'll be very sad. Was it three times? See how people work Work you don't even have the text messages. Did you go to fucking Versus cool lion?

Three times How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- because I don't, this doesn't make sense to me. I said no twice. And now it's the third year like, she's like, no, I would, yeah, I would never. And I'm like, I, no, I don't, I don't, you know, I wanna, this, this the show, I want, okay, bang. She books the show. Fine, I'm like, this a great show. Love it, you said you do, you're coming in, bang, you're kind of, bang, I'm Monday night,

live, nine o'clock, never really happens. Anytime we do nights, versies, love it. Great. I'm over at the fucking village on the ground tonight. Sit in there. Mine in my own business. Ricky Villesgos, hey, Barbie, why'd you kick me off your show today?

Oh boy. Oh man. She booked them on the show. I bet. That's why she was asking me, how about Ricky? How about Rick? I already told him he's on. You're thinking so far into it.

Can I tell you what happened? Hold on. Wait, I gotta surprise. Listen, I apparently you've never watched Law and Order. You look at the talk until I'm done. And then I turn it over to the defendant. Here's your top. I gotta, I don't know if he knew.

Ricky! He's behind me. There it is. Yeah. There it is. Nice. Listen, Gabby. Yeah.

So, so when I'm sitting there like, I had, I literally, you can't catch me. You can't catch me out there because I don't lie. You can't catch me. Oh, no, nothing. There's nothing. You can't lie. I'll fucking admit to it. If I can't catch me. Oh, no, nothing. You can't lie. I'll fucking admit to it. If I fucked you, I will go, I fucked you. I go, Ricky, I didn't want you on the show.

It just wasn't the show I wanted. I said no, once. I go, but this explains everything. Because I said no, once she brought you up again. I said no, two times. Third time I said, what are you, fuck you guys, bag? I go, I don't want Ricky right to his face. I don't want Ricky Vales.

It's not the show. I like Ricky, but not right now. I said this to his face. I go, but thank you is now it explains the three fucking times. One, two, three Ricky Valeses. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, listen, I know I'm not in a position to complain here,

but can these, these are loud. Yeah, well, we're being loud. Yeah, no I think something is that better? Is that better? Yeah, it's better. Is that good? I mean, yeah, please Yeah, mine's good. I mean might have been I just you know, I mean, I just go with it I I haven't been more excited about accrued people in this show since I mean I I haven't been more excited about accrued people in this show since I mean I A long time. It's all the last time. We've been killing it these guys. These I love these new guys, but

Explain yourself. Okay, I want to start off by saying I do not know where people is. I don't know him. We're not Engaged. Okay, can I just stop for one second Paul walked in and it was helping an old lady who fell off a building. And then we found out he did a spot. So I know. And he's not you. And that means so like that, you don't mean some. You don't know Ricky Vales, but you have his number because you gave me a list of numbers. Okay, great. So the first number you decided to call was ever who was the first person you called on the list to book on the show okay but you called I called Ricky at some point and you said this was the okay first time I brought him up I googled him I was like oh can I can I commission the treat the witness as fast I know she's not answering the question

I don't know what I don't know I was like you don't know I could be on the show before I I got I heard back from you Okay, yeah, what would you like to be on the show? Of course, okay? Yeah, text you about it. You go now So I'm like fuck Ricky thinks he's coming on the show. Right. He can't come on the show. Right. So I was like, okay, and then I let it slide. Yeah. And then I forgot, I actually genuinely forgot that I booked him. So I asked you again.

So I always got one second. So the forgot part doesn't mean, I'm not involved in that. That's not my world. No, that's not my world. But that's not my, listen, honey. This is a government shit. This is a dumb, That's not my world, but that's not my listen honey This is a dump Nobody gives you no malicious, but we're trying to just be funny. You're fucking weird

People get trouble in that seat when you just don't think it's just malicious Okay, okay, who gives a fuck just roll with it. You're fucking Hey, who gives a fuck? Just roll with it, you fucking... Like it, something. That's a fuck. That's the... I know you know that even persons. What the fuck is this? I know.

I forgot I contacted him. Now Ricky thought he was coming on the show. I said, hey Ricky, it's not gonna work out. We already booked the show. I never told him you said no. I said, sorry, we booked it already. And then I left him hanging in the wind and then you told him, so.

I didn't tell him, he told me so I didn't tell him he told me I Did not tell him he told me He came to me and said hey Bob why'd you kick me off your show? And I said Ricky he made assumptions that were true, but he didn't know that we're true Well, I didn't kick him off the show. I didn't book him on the show. You kicked him off the fucking job by booking them on the show How is it my fucking fault? This is why the world fucking That's nobody fucking owns this shit. I own my shit. I own it. Hey Jay. I own my shit. I own it too. I do I did I do I did I did all right. I fucking if I do something I mean first you own just shit it takes in 10 minutes

Hey, I can't shit. Yeah, you know, I don't dig It takes him 10 minutes. I can't say that. I took me, yeah, you know, I didn't dig. I didn't dig, but I appreciate that about him. You know, like, you have a dirt bag, buddy, and you're like, yeah, well, we keep around because it's a dirt, I'm not saying you're a dirt bag. I don't do that because I have to get it. What the fuck?

Let me, I say I like the kids. I like the kids. I know, I'm not a dog. Bob, Bob, nothing, nothing, nothing. Right out of the get, I get my car. Right out of the get, I say, I like your stuff. I bought it. Good to know you. This cock sacksuck that calls me a dirt ball.

Are you? Are you gonna trust someone who gives you a compliment when out the gate, there are also like three deep lion and then they're trying to tie people in? I'm still, I'm gonna. Don't suck. Hey, Jay, don't get me on you. I'm fucking, I'm not having them.

I don't think, I don't think anything that I said was a lie. That's the biggest problem. That you, you do shit on a lie. It's a podcast together. Hey, guess the lies. The biggest thing, that's the biggest thing. That you do shit on a liar with a podcast together. Hey, guess the lies. The biggest thing, that's the biggest thing a liar would say. I don't think anything I thought was a lie. I failed to mention that I did a spot.

There was a woman, there was a woman that failed. And we're acting like, well, let's not act like I came in here fucking 20 after not. You know, let's not act like, I mean, listen, four, five minutes, I get it. You know what, you know what, you know what, great men used to say on time is late 15 Tom Kaplan and West Point

He was he's still giant still fucking regret that's a still terrible thing they did I think oh You're not sidetracked at a shitty bottom. We just started talking to a fucking giant. He did a great job with the jacks, man. I'll tell you that. He is doing a great job. Oh, God. I mean, when, you know, back in 96, we're in Spain, Jack.

Listen, I don't want to get into it. I just know a lot about sport. That's great. We'll talk about it. You know, just such a man. The fact. Such a man with a big penis and everything about sport. It's totally cool.

Small dick for sure. So do you think you'll be able to get over this? Listen, here's the deal. She immediately protects Mike too, which bugs me. She should protect me from Mike. She should be protecting me from Mike. If Mike was doing something that he can't, like I ever want something done and Mike can't do it,

she should go, I got you Bobby. Well, did you guys hold on? Did you just meet Bobby recently? Yeah, two weeks ago a week ago Okay, see you guys but you know you don't understand we can have who you're dealing with this guy Well, you want to talk about nothing getting by this guy? Nothing will get by this guy. He will read it He will see it and then if he really feels wrong you are fucked Okay, this guy is a fuck, nothing will get by him. I say to people at the beginning, just oh, and you shit.

I fuck, I did it. You're right, because I will not be wrong if I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I'm the first one to admit it. Yeah, I'm the first one to admit it. Yeah, yeah. Remember, I remember, as he tried giving me a compliment and I tried to deflect his listening to me. Listen, remember, remember we were I she tried giving me a compliment and I tried to deflect his listen to me Listen remember remember we were in his shed smoking a cigar

Yeah, and he said something like hey man I just hope this thing works out and he goes listen to everything I go you and I just if he goes listen to me Don't I know what you don't ever ever interrupt me when I'm trying to fucking lift you up again Oh, pep talk. Yeah, don't ever interrupt my fucking pep talks Don't come to me for a pep talk then I go into pep talk mode and then go off into another problem I'm not done with this pep talk. Yeah, yeah listen Here's a deal Michael great job Just a little difficulty at the beginning. That's all we worked it out Abby

That person who sits in my seat is Abby until Abby. It's Abby in toll. You are not. Oh, man. Is this Abby an I cool for right now? No, you're in our first letters. Michael gets I don't even get my name. Abby, listen, you listen, you'll get the G when you start to the job, right? That seed has that's

these seeds of my second and command. They got my back. Could you imagine if a fucking if McCarthy gave an order to a fucking soldier and his fucking second and command fucking defended that so and didn't, and didn't back up my car. What, what kind of army would we have? We'd lose every war.

We're in fucking war. Gabby, this is war. Gabby, you gotta get him. He just fucking contradictory said he said it's not government before and then he just went there. Buddy, I'm doing it for comedy purposes. I know I'm not my car. I'm a chubby guy from fucking Greenberg.

I'm playing up from Greenberg. I mean, I got coyotes still. All right, so anyway, so Ricky Vales, but here's the thing is, I book, I'm in the thing, Shuley's there, Ricky Vales is there. I got fucking Harris coming on next week. So I'm like, okay, fuck it. Ricky, you're on next week.

I'll put you on next week because I feel I like Ricky. Okay, next week. Okay, great. He's on next week. And then I book a Shouly because I love Shouly from the Stern show. You know, he's like, okay, great. Next week. And then I come here.

She's got the show booked already. So now I got to cancel them. Well, tell me. And then I come here, she's got the show booked already. So now I gotta cancel them. Well, tell me, and then I'll work it out. See that's what you want. Yeah, there you go. You see that? That's what you want. Tell me, I'll work it out, dummy.

Yeah, I'm fucking stupid. I can do three things very well. All the other things that need help. What are the three things? I'm not gonna tell you. You'll have to find them out over time. Okay. I'm keeping my guard. Yeah.

And that's these chairs, I'm keeping my guard up. How did you find Gabby? Gabby is from Lenny Marcus calls me. I tell, listen, I want to say this too. All the emails I'm getting, I'm returning them this week. All the emails that came in for producer, for to work on the network itself, to work on my show, all the artists,

I'm getting back to you all week. So I apologize, it's taken this time. I wanna contact you, I wanna talk to you guys, you know, we'll see what happens. But, you know. You know, but anyways, let him Marcus. See that? Don't pat him. Don't pat each other. I kind of like it.

You till against shut up. I'm sorry. You're right. No. Listen to him. See, um, anyways, I, I, I, I, I didn't know the question was gonna be that fucking heart. How'd you meet her? Lenny Marcus. Lenny Marcus. Lenny Marcus. Lenny Marcus. I told him I needed something. He's like Lenny Marcus.

And then she came down and she's both of them. They're fucking, I can't believe this week was the easiest week ever for the show. Well I was away, it was the fucking back. Nice. Bing bang boom, everything's done. I mean, he's doing great social media, he's doing all kinds of different shit, zacks kicking ass in the video, Gabby's. Zack's kicking ass in the video. Gabby's, you know, booking the show.

You know, as, I mean, there's a couple lies here and there. Right out of the gate, first week lies to my face. One of the guests in the show, almost ruined a relationship with Ricky Vales, but that's cool. Besides that, he's standing lying on this show and then taking Mike's side and then ganging up against me on my show on video right at the beginning. Basically fucking trying to take my show away from me.

He's what they're doing out. I love you too. I like you a lot. I'm not saying I love you to anybody anymore. They love you until they don't love you. What's good for you is good. What the fuck are you doing? What am I doing?

I'm on your side, Bob. I, no, what are you doing? I didn't mean it like that. I actually had apologized to somebody because I don't know if you get, you don't get this because you have a very calm temperament, a relaxing versus you must get this. What?

What? When I talk to somebody, I'm like, I just grew up with fucking, you know, you must get this. What? What? When I talk to somebody, I'm like, I just grew up with fucking, you know, you know, dude, what the fuck you doing? What are you fucking stupid? Yeah. Yeah, I was like, oh my god, I just gonna start crying.

No, no, that's what I taught, we talked to each other. Yeah. I didn't mean, it's like normal. It's normal. No, it is normal. It is normal. So my friends, it is, yeah. I've said, these fucking new comics are such

pissies. I mean, the worst. I don't apologize to one of you fucking, because I came out of the gate like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? You're fuck face. And it's like, oh my god. Oh my god, don't talk. You know, all you have to say to me is,

hey, that means high and what's up? And I'll be like, oh, okay, what the fuck? I shouldn't explain fucking comedy and friendship to you Your dad should have did that. I'm not your fucking father All right, you didn't hang out with such fucking push wax all the time maybe you guys would hey good job man We doing now want to hop in a newbie together. Oh fuck you fucking mothers By fucking would you grow up?

I don't apologize Paul Jones Can I came off hot and I'm like yeah you come but sometimes Sometimes if you don't know you if somebody doesn't know you you could come in a little hot You could come in a little hot You could come in a little hot. You could come in a little I love coming in. I don't want to be any other way. Hey, I remember we were in Montreal, but I knew you enough, but we were doing something in Montreal. And I think I ordered frozen yoga. No, you go, what the fuck? No, stop.

Fuck you. No. Okay, let me just stay with this fucking. Break it down. Break it down. Oh, that, where the fuck a movie theater? Me and Bob Marley. Bob Marley and me both get frozen yoghats. And we go, hey, Paul, you wanna throw, no, no, fuck that, no one throws in yoga. And we get a frozen yogh, and he walks up and goes, hey, you know what, hey, excuse me,

you got a, you got baby jiu-jiu beats. No, gummy, you got baby gummy bears? She goes, no, we got, forget it, then. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. We need, I don't manage to. I don't know, I didn't get it. Get it. I'm out, I'm out. I don't manage to. I don't know. I just said I was like, you know, maybe I will have frozen yogurt, but I like some toppings and I like the candy.

So I was like, you got the baby gummy bears. They were kind of like, nah, I'm down. They both of them looked at me like, what the fuck? For first of all, this, no, I'm down. I'm out. Whatever, clean, sweet, sweet, honey, mine. He went, I'm out. I'm out.

All right. I can walk the way like, like, like, he. Like, they told me to go fuck. Whatever clean switch How do you mind? I'm out! I'm like a walk away like Like she... Like they told me to go fuck Hey, I'm gonna be honest with you The other day I was buying groceries and I said the guy go Hey man, what do you recommend a good steak for my son? Each three and he goes, I don't know, filet, ribeye, I go

What? I mean, you trying to upsell me a steak for my kid? I'm like, I'm fucking done And I left, I walked right away You did? Don't upsell me on steak for my kid That I'm like, I'm fucking done. And I left, I walked right away. You did? Don't upset me, I'm steak for my kid. That's fucking great. It's a little different than not having the gummy. Oh, you shit, now we all, we all should go, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

They tell me how many other people, too. I'm much for a fucking massage with a handy. It's 150, I'm out. It's 125 down the street, Minglings. I'm out. Minglings. Why is it gotta be Asian? Because they are now.

Because the internet made all the fucking regular right jakes Is Spanish goes go home on back page? Sorry, I'm getting bad. I'm getting bad. Yannis is right about me. It's starting to happen You know the way they say I don't know how you are with service. I'm very easy I grew up with a father who was really tough on waiters like to the point where it was just like damn and what like me and my brother Almost want I want to run up to the waiter and be like, dude, I'm sorry, he's just, you know, he'd be like, no, this isn't, you know, so I always said that I would never

be a dick. It's, I don't do it to them. Yeah. Cause I don't have it in me to do it to them. You do it to us. But I do it to them. Yeah. Hold on, do you change the, how much you tip?

No, no, no, no, that's the thing with me. I tip 20% if you suck, but I want to give you more. I give you 20% even if it's bad. It's not about the tipping, but yeah, my friends, I give my friends, cause I'll just sit there. Y'all know something, I start looking. I start looking back. When I start looking back and forth,

I don't like anybody. Does anybody see? Well, sitting there for fucking eight minutes. I said the same. It's nothing, I think, guys. I asked the, I asked eight minutes asked, I asked, eight minutes ago. I know the place. I know the place is back.

There's one waitress. I know, but you can't get ice in place. She's not like a salad. She's gonna make a salad. It's a big ice. Yeah, I know. It's not like a literally comes right back. Sorry, sir.

All right, no problem, thanks. Hi. We just lived through the whole fucking thing. That's great. Yeah, no, that's me. Are you like that? Dude, well, I worked in service industry and I think we're all the three of us are a little older and we knew what it was We knew the value of a dollar and we worked our asses off for it. I like I know the value of a dollar I'm not saying you don't I'm just saying that there's a other generation

We're gonna take a hit. We're gonna come at you. Yeah, it's more of us than you. I was at a restaurant last night And I walk in I sat at the bar and I sit there It's more of us than you. I was at a restaurant last night and I walk in I sat at the bar and I sit there Bartenders right there. He's got three people to bar doesn't give me a menu I grab a menu. I look at it I'm like all right. I'm gonna get a lobster roll. I'm getting an IPA That's what I'm getting and then I put it back and then I'm waiting and then I'm sitting there and then I look at the host And I go hey, can I go sit over there? She goes yeah, I go sit over there. I don't need a thing It takes eight minutes for a guy to get over there. He gets her I go lobster roll an IPA. He goes all right

the IPA came before, the lobster roll came and I ate it before the IPA. Oh, yeah, see how it comes over. And he goes, oh man, he goes, that's weird. And I go, hey, you guys are really dragging today, huh? Oh, yeah. And they knocked the beer off and I still left 20%. My deal is I always tip 20 at least.

Yeah, but I start, if you suck, I start giving you shit. And I'm gonna tell you straight up, I'm gonna give you 20, but I'm gonna ride your ass. Yeah, so I'm, if you suck, I start giving you shit, and I'm gonna tell you straight up, I'm gonna give you 20, but I'm gonna ride your ass. Yeah, so I'm like that. I'm in Hawaii, right? I just got back from Hawaii two days ago, and we're on our 10 year old.

What are you sure? We went, awah, awah. We went to Hawaii. Were you in Hawaii? Yeah, I went Hawaii. I was in Somorral. Oh yeah, I was in Somorral. Oh fuck, I'm gonna go for four minutes.

Seven minutes! We're gonna one at six. I'll meet you. I'm gonna let it give you one. I'm not fucking four minutes. Seven minutes! We're not one at six. I'll meet you. Don't let it give you one. I'm not six. I'm sorry. So we stay at this, we're staying, we were staying at Waikiki Beach and we're at this resort and there's one place everybody's whole fucking convention came into this bar

at one time. And they got, so at two o'clock in the afternoon there when you come home from the beach and you want to eat lunch, it's late here. So all the eight o'clock games are on. All the eight o'clock games that Yankees, everything is on, right? So we're eating and it finally starts to die down in my wife. It's like, I like a my tie. I want to get a my tie.

So I'm like, great. So I wait and I'm waiting and I walk up to the bar and the guy goes, guy next to me goes, hey, good luck. It'll be 10 minutes before they even look at you. And the bar starts getting empty. Now there's empty seats. So now I'm like, no, my wife's sitting, you know, my wife is sitting right there. It's my 10 year. My wife wants to drink, you know, so I'm just like, I'm wearing a white. Yeah, you're wearing a white. I got a fucking white bathing suit on.

I'm excited. I want to get a drink for my wife. Paul, where were you? So then she starts looking at me, right? Let me finish the fuck. I'm in the time of the time of that fuck I mean They hurt us bus balls 10 years ago and they get it they both said Hawaii we did that happened already where they did it So so it would be a job up just take the Just take the head you know you're right. I fucked up So let this in your mouth so my wife, you know, when the wife is looking, like she's looking, she's giving the, and now I'm like, this is, you know, and I want my wife to have, my wife works hard, it's fucking 10 years of marriage with me, two kids,

I want to, and now five minutes go by, six minutes, nobody's even saying that then the bar's getting empty. And I'm looking, and I think the new guy working just is like pretending to stare at the computer, like just pretending to do something, and now I'm looking around and now I'm just... You think he's doing it?

That's my good part. You don't know if he is. No, no, he's probably seeing a computer from the crash. He's probably coming up here. Yeah, it's cooking up here. I'm not kidding you guys. I'm not exaggerating.

Now we're talking over 10 minutes and I see the manager walking around and I don't know nothing, no order nothing. Finally, 15 minutes of manager walks in, and he walks and I just snap, Bobby. I just snapped. Did it? Yeah, I did it.

I finally did. I finally did. I think all the pent-up stuff that I gave you, I just go, I mean, I've been waiting here 15 minutes for a drink, right? And he just turns around and I go, and he goes, I go, yeah, 15 minutes, I've been my wife has said,

I've been waiting here 15 minutes for a drink. It's crazy, nobody's here and I just start going. Yeah. And he goes, I wish I could, he's pretty sick, I wish I could whisper in your ear What's going on here? That's what the fuck he said like I give a fuck about his Some might have died a shot or the right thing somebody with no no no no no We dig deep enough

I can't wait until he gets that excuse from somebody. He found a body in the bathroom. I can't wait until his out of the restaurant. No, sorry. Sorry, you call him out of his late. The old lady fell off, right? So he rushes over to somebody. He gets the drinks and he just goes, hey, they took my staff out of here.

And this is the resort staff. And they really don't know what they're doing. He just gives me some whole thing like that. And he says sorry, but nothing off the bill. Nothing. He didn't give you nothing off the bill. Nothing off the bill. Wow. Yeah, nothing off the bill. Nothing. He didn't give you nothing off the bill. Nothing off the bill. Wow.

Yeah, nothing off the bill. And I don't know if you've been to Hawaii, but you can't look in the fucking mirror there without dropping a scene. It was the most expensive. It's crazy. It's, it's absolute. I mean, I'm having breakfast. First of all, first of all, I, I told you seven times.

Yeah. Seven times. Wait. I got married in fucking Maui. If I have to tell, no, no, but. But if you look at me in the face, when I look at you, why are you saying, Bobby, when I look at you, I think Aruba 17 times, because that's what I think though.

You know, okay, because you didn't tell me. I'll give you that. Yeah, every time I think of you, I think of you, your feet up in Aruba and my dog running by you. That's every time. I got a wild dog from Aruba, where you're adopted. And Bobby knows that they fucking run around there. I just, yeah, it's, I got a wild dog from Aruba. you're adopted and Bobby knows that they fucking run around

I just yeah, it's I got a wild dog from Aruba's called Arubian a canuko. He's fucking have a wolf Yeah, one night we're on the beach eating and you get the rest on the beach and all of a sudden a fucking wild dog Attack the guy at his table. Oh my god. Oh, my god. Yeah, you see we're sitting there fucking them down. Oh my God. Yeah, you see your zebra sitting there fucking bottle of. Yeah, because they come down these fucking dogs at 75 teats because they just had a fucking wreck of kids. And then all the males balls are just dragging. Yeah, he's fucking 900 times in his life. It's just like get these things on it. Do we want to brunch? Oh, go ahead. I want to tell you this about on this

whole thing. Yeah. So I go to I'm in Salem I do a Friday Pekipsy With two cute and then I go to Windsor Connecticut with Ian and I I drive from Windsor to Marblehead because I want my my my was taking my kid to Salem for you know Halloween shit They got all that witch stuff and it's a great mobile head. I'm what's great. It's great town.

Mobile, it's great. Mobile head neck, no big deal. It's our great. My, my, my, my family lives on the fucking projects that, you know, they, they're, they're little mobile head. Yeah, there's like one street called Ames. Oh, she, oh, I'm gonna tell it, but just one street and mobile head. You know, to fucking lose his, God. God, I love your son's podcast, dude. My mother's gonna like, what the fuck are you fucking cock, exactly why stand you with a ring?

I like the way she mother sounds exactly like me. Just fall on the wig. I'm out. There's a fucking guys out front of you with the YGW. What the fuck is that? I don't even know what's my podcast. Whose podcast is that?

Salam's freaky around Halloween. It's great though, I love it. I went there last year. So I drive through the night to get there because I'm not doing this without my son. Fuck off. I'm gonna be with my kid and my wife, you know? And I realized too, my wife and kid leave.

I thought I was gonna be a party for two days. Two hours, I'm in the depression. I go in, I cook up sausage soup, I got the remotes. I'm in my underwear, no, this is gonna be the best two days of my life. Two hours I'm in the fucking depression because I'm sad, because they're not there. I only like being at my house from my family's there.

I don't know. How what was the times when you drove through the night? I left the 12, around 230. Okay, yeah, so I said, I love how you said it, you know what I mean? Well, like we were in like tombstone and you were like fucking wagon. Listen man, driving at night after a show when you got a hotel. I'm just go back there or go home. I'm driving. I'm on the road all the fucking mean? And go to, so we go to this thing, we do the all day walking up the street. It's amazing. Kids having a blast.

His, Michael, my sister's kid same age. Red had their fucking like brothers, doing all the shit, all these witches. Max, what is this? Why did you throw it in red? This is a ginger. I know, but you're like always playing with his friend redhead. That's just an redhead.

It's all I'm saying. I'm not a fan of mine. Might as well just say it's crippled the way you play it. It's a formal play with his friend no legs. It is a handicap. It is a handicap. Being a fucking ginger is a handicap. There are almost six things, so I mean.

No, I wish they were. I wish that fucking gene would be fucking out. Oh, that was so funny. I wish that gene would be fucking just your little genji, your little bit. A little bit, yeah. Yeah, I wish that gene would be murdered out of the fucking zone. We could just wash it out. Anyways, playing all day.

They starving, they're fucking starving. Max is dressed like a little SWAT officer. The Michael's like a little fight. Max walking up to people handcuffing them. You're under arrest. Oh, that's great. He's a, they love them. So we walk over to this restaurant.

Every restaurant, because it's Salem, and because it's fucking Halloween, you know, there's a witch walking around, you know, it's packed. So we go to the lady, how long? 15 minutes, great. We're sitting there. Next in line

Okay, all of a sudden these two old bros sitting over on the thing they walk up with their old twat old broad face We've been lying just fucking lying. We've Okay, man, they bring them in give them our I'm like all right. I'm gonna take the hit old people They got a couple of summers left. Let them have it I'm like, all right, I'm gonna take the hit old people. They got a couple of summers left. Let them have it. Come. This might be the fucking last Halloween they celebrate

with a burger and fries and a clam roll. Okay, you got it. Now it's sitting there. Fucking 20 minutes goes by. The sun is fucking setting. Oh boy. I got the side of my bald head is just getting burnt. I can't turn because there's a line down the road now.

It's down to fucking road. Because this broad, every person that comes up 50 minutes 50 line everybody. I don't pick up on it because I'm so delusional. I'm starving Then this broad gets a ham sandwich someone brings her a fucking Old-school ham sandwich like the one you gram of the mix with a ham is rippling out the edges The host is, I'm the whole line's fucking starving. I'm just prodding a fucking old school ham sandwich from grandma's house.

Where was the sausage super merrier? That was at my house. I'm fucking dying. I go, honey, call Onos. Call Onos, I know Onos is down the street. See if there's a line, she calls no line. I go, goodbye. I hand her the menu.

I go, goodbye. Enjoy your sandwich. Oh, great. I fucking walk out. No, it gets worse though. Now we get in the car, we go to Onos, no wait. Walk in, get a big table. They get those little computers for kids. Oh, yeah

We take one off another table because there's two kids order all this food this this These fat fucks and I'm a fat fuck so I'll say it these these this mother and daughter Rowley poly Unproportionate fucking fat They're heavy every year. No, that's a good question. Skinny, skinny forearm fat, fucking nice fat. Not even normal fat.

No, not even normal fat. Wow, troll fat. Like gypsy, fucking curse fat. Fucking fat, fat. Fat. Gypsy. These two fucking twats sit down next to us, huffing and puffing, because the kids are there.

And we go, hey man, they're two, four and a half year olds. And they're like brothers and they want to fuck around and stop, Max, don't do that. I'm trying to, I don't yell at my kid, I don't fuck, you know, I'm like, hey, you know, blah, blah. Stuff's happening. So I got, I got it with dealing with, you hear all this hoffing and puking. They're fucking kids, you fuck. Reminds me too, real quick. Took my kid to the Lincoln Square Mall

and my max ran out in front of this kid with a backpack, young kid. He goes, oh, fucking hate kids. I go to my wife, what did he just say? He said he hate kids. My wife was gonna come. I go, hey, you, you're a fucking kid to me, you fucking cunt. And I don't like you. What are you gonna do with my? he hate kids. My wife was gonna come. I go, hey, you, you're a fucking kid to me, you fucking cunt.

And I don't like you. What are you gonna do about it? That's great. What the fuck are you? It's a kid. You're a fucking kid. I was so fucking it. I wanna grab his backpack and drag him down the escalator.

Oh, fuck him. I hate kids. Nobody likes kids. But you love him. There are future. Listen to Michael Jackson. I don't know where you're going. I'll throw you love them. There are future. Listen to Michael Jackson. I don't know. I don't know how to do that.

Teach them well and let them lead the way. Wasn't that Whitney Houston? I think it was, yeah. Sorry, I made a mistake. Can I make mistakes? He admitted he owns it. That's what I do. I own it.

Learn from me, you too. I wish I was a fly in the wall when you left that first restaurant and as soon as you walked out the door, she was like Kelly He's to watch a fucking Puma God Huffin and then now my wife, what are they huffin and puffin about though? Just because we have to keep this you know stop, stop, stop it max. Get up.

They're probably over there close because they probably came in to have whatever relaxing at unos too, by the way. Yeah, you know a high class restaurant. Tawatt. We're not there. No go to unos for a fucking relaxing afternoon. You fat daughter. You fat fuck. If any guy listens to my show, if your wife or daughter came back complaining about a fat ball guy being a twat I hope your family hits a tree. I do. I hope you I really do I hope you go on a carnival ride in your shit neighborhood and it breaks and they go flying off the fucking Ferris wheel So anyways, we're fucking We so I'm sitting there, the half of the puffin' home thing, I'm trying to do it.

We had their little, on owners, they have these little computers and I didn't, I took theirs off their table. So Max's order in fucking games on there. So we paid the bill. Oh man. My sister grabs, pays the bill, like don't pay the bill.

She paid their bill. So the waitress comes over, oh you paid their bill. Well like, oh sorry, can we get ours? I'm sorry. Can you? Oh, yeah, we'll take it off. But so I look over there like, ah, yeah. And they also, they order the game and we're not paying for it. Like that way. Yeah. And I go, you don't have to pay for it. We'll pay for it. She goes, excuse me, sir, you don't have to be rude. And I thought, excuse, I'm like, yeah, well, you're being rude. She goes, fuck off. I go watch him out around my kids. You're not my father.

You're not my father. Let's tell me what to do. This is the daughter. This is the daughter. The mother, this fat tub of dunk. That's fucking, these two fucking two ton tessies. Yeah. Dude, he's going old school, man.

You're starting to say something. These two fat, you're lucky. You're starting to say something. He's too fat. You're lucky. You're lucky. My kid was there and you're lucky I have a, I'm in this business because if I was a fucking construction worker, I'd follow you home, wait for you, a fucking dumb husband or your dumb old, whoever the fuck gives you this level, whatever guy gives you this level of fuck you, whatever, I'm not your dad.

Apparently, you don't have a fucking dad because if you had a dad you wouldn't fucking swear in front of children Who said fuck off the young the young the younger one. Yeah, so I swear to God man I'm glad I'm not a I look at Batman and I'm like if I was a superhero I'd go home I'd get fucking what's his name Walter? Who's his fucking side Alfred Alfred? Thank you Get fucking what's his name Walter? Who's his fucking side Alfred Alfred? Thank you That Michael Jackson song and Walter I would fuck it. What's his side, Kigrodney? No, it's Robin, it's Robin. It's Robin. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, so you got fired up, huh? Yeah, that one fucking... I fucking, my wife goes, Bobby, stop it. Yeah. I know what she's saying. She's like, you can't do this, buddy. You can't fight with people like this anymore. You can't, you're not fucking Bobby from Medford anymore. You know what I mean? You can't, you can't do this, buddy. You can't fight with people like this anymore. You can't, you're not fucking Bobby

from Medford anymore. You know what I mean? You can't, you know, I, it's just like, what a, I'm like, okay, I just shut my mouth. And I'm like, let's go. Grab the kids, get in the car. Just slowly, just steam off, you know, whatever. My God, dude.

But you see these people flipping out of fighting in McDonald's or you see these people, and you're like, how does this happen? I know how it happens. Oh my God, dude. But you see these people flipping out or fighting in McDonald's or you see these people and you're like, how does this happen? I know how it happens. These fucking scumbags, huffin' and puffin'. You know what I mean? Just fuckin', just move your table.

You fuckin' fat shits. Yeah. You fat shit. You're not my father. You don't fuck, and I was thought like, oh, if my kids weren't there, my wife wasn't there. I would have fuckin' went, I'm not your father. And if I was your father, I my kids weren't there, my wife wasn't there, I would have fucking went, I'm not your father, and if I was your father,

I'd fucking put you over my knee, because you're a fucking piece of shit. You're a piece of shit. The mother's a piece of shit too. I think it's a fat person thing too. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Stop. We'll slow down.

Yeah, slow down. I got a reason. All right, but there's a couple chubby's in here. You're surrounded by chubby guys. No, I don't know, but I'm talking about houses. I mean, when I, what you're talking about to me, I'm picture among straws at ease. No?

Yeah, I'm picturing like the fat on the neck. Like I'm not picturing like a little hefty or a little chunky. I'm picturing like somebody that's, they were little, because of my anger, I'm Schreif. They were fatter than I thought. I mean, I'm sure I they were better than I thought. I mean, I mean, I'm gonna exaggerate. Yeah, 102 pounds here. They were just the mother and daughter fat team, you know, five foot one.

You know, you know, now you take that down for their height. Just blue-eyed mother fuckers. They're probably like 20 pounds overweight, six one. They're in front of you. They're in the blouse man. They're in the blouse-y-lip marshals for fucking every third day. Look at the new blouses. You know those blouse-wearing fatsoes?

It's being blouse, man. Oh, fucking blouses. I hate blouses. Well, no, the reason why I said the fat thing is because a lot of people that are overweight and each shitty Eat in places that they could afford and the places that they could afford are fucking shitty places like unos and buffalo Wildwings and their fucking animals Yeah, but he had to go there he had to he had to leave I was just great for the kids because those little computers have games on them.

And the kids can get these games. So they can play a game or whatever while you're sitting there, get a pizza, all this. They have a lot of buttons. So it's a great spot. But they also have a good salad there for fat me, right? So I'm like, let's just go there. I wanted to go to the South of the place, but it was packed.

Totally fucking ham sandwich. I can't get out of my mind. How much are the games on the computer? That's not. That's not. It's like, listen, I should have, what I should have done if I was a fucking smart, calm, relaxed, sane human being.

I would have been like, I would have said, I pay their check, pay my check. And like, you know what? I got your check. I would never, ever, sorry about the one ninety nine. And walk out and say, get, come on guys. Yeah. If I, if that's the, that's, I'm trying to get there for 30 years in AA and fucking some, in therapy. I've been trying to get there for so long to go just

to hopping and puffing, let it go. And then at that point, I'm not paying, I'm not paying for the game. It's two kids, by the way. You can be like, oh, it's okay. No, they just did, yeah, I got it. No, I'm not paying for the game. We know FATSO, because you can't afford it, because your mother doesn't have a husband,

because he's a dumber, because he fucked her in a bar one night and you plopped in her fat gut and then came out and it his fucking life is over. So he moved on, and he's an alcoholic, and your mother's fat and works for some fucking city company and it's just a fatty to mac and cheese. You fat fucks, you potato chibbutes

and fat fucking mac and cheese cock suckers with hot dogs. Go fuck yourself. Who knows, is a night out for you, fucks, and I'm glad I ruined it. I thought you'd really turn to Kona when you said, Fuck yourself who knows is a night out for you fucks and I'm glad I Thought you'd really turn to corner when you said I've been working And then all fun bucket right back. I'm sorry Yeah, well you know they had way more power and felt way better if you would just said hey, you know what guys? I got your tab. No big. I got your tab. I fucked up. I'm so sorry. I don't recognize

You have to be to come up with an imaginary carnival ride that's faulty So man so fucking mad so my restaurant and I'm not like that with waiters, I give them so much room to fuck up. Even when they fuck up, I take it, because I was a waiter for so long. I waited tables for a long time and I've met so many shit customers. There's way more shit customers than we are shit wait staff.

What? Where were you waiting tables? In Boston, well, I'm familiar, George Eos. staff. What? Where were you waiting tables? In Boston, that laugh of a million joy jails. Nice. I honestly feel like I'm good. My thing is this, when we go there, if you sit down and not water or anything after 10 minutes, there's something wrong, right?

Am I, is that? Let me just say this, I worked at the Cheesecake Factory. It's not, I don't mind a big corporate guy, but that's where I learned. I've worked for 11 months, then I always worked it independently on places. And this is how I deal. You walk out of the table with water

You say hey, how are you? Yeah, take a look at the menu. You want to do the drink? No, I'll be right back Then you come back they get drinks they order food boom apps first food second I clear tables after they get there on Try after two minutes. I walk back. Hey guys. How is everything? Is there anything you need right now for me? No boom I am bounce that don't see that I know it's not a good worker Nice, all right guys.'s not a good worker. Nice. All right, guys, I got a good outta here. What are you fucking? What time you shift?

What are you fucking? I gotta get back to uno. Yeah. Is this microphone cover? What? Yeah. This is mine, thanks, Jack. I just smelled something.

And I was like, is this sometimes we have different, we have different microphone covers for these. We spray them every week. We smell good. And I was like, is this sometimes we have different, we have different microphone covers for these. We spray them every week. It smells good. And it smells like disinfect them. Like some breeze. On this one, we have different ones. And I just, you know, I just, I felt like something,

sometimes, you know, I gotta, whatever. Thank you, Zach. All right, listen, I gotta read this real quick. I'm kidding, we're not reading it. So don't, don't 10 minutes fast forward on the podcast button. All right, listen, here's the deal. Verzy. I'm kidding, we're not reading it. So don't, don't 10 minutes fast forward on the podcast button. All right, listen, here's the deal, Verzy, these fucks, you know, we get these sponsors, right?

Free podcast, over 400 episodes. Yeah. Yeah, all these other, 10 dollars a month, seven dollars, four dollars a month. I, you know, we got, we got a, 199 a month if you want to, if you don't, you don't have to. It's a, it's a, it's a lip-syncing premium members.

Uh, new shows going up this week, by the way, brand new shows going up. I got a great episode going up for premium members, but I get these sponsors. So don't fast forward, right? Listen. Zippercrew.com. Don't you push that fucking button, you cock suckers. How dare you? How about you?

You can probably use this. Here's a deal right here. Ten seconds. It's a 10 second button on the thing. The fact that these podcast apps put the 10 second fast forward in, they should all fucking die a horrible death. You know what? Cause how do they get paid?

Can't we get paid? One, two, three. Oh my God. Seven, eight, nine, nine, 10. I'm back, zippercruiter.com. How's that? You're not getting rid of me. I'll wait, I'll pause every 10 seconds. And you motherfuckers, zippercruiter.com.

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Yeah, it looks scary. This is a bad time for fucking alpha males. What? You got to, we got to, we got to change the way we are. We can't, you can't be a fucking massage in a stick piece of shit. Now, and you can't yell at people anymore. You can't be a fucking massagingistic piece of shit. Now, and you can't yell at people anymore. Next thing is yelling.

Yelling is gonna be off the table. Yeah, no. No, but I think like, It's coming. Somebody's gonna go, I'm emotionally scarred. No, but I think like, like, Cosby and Harvey Weinstein, they, they, It helps a different, no, but it helps to cause later,

you know, after like, What? What? What? Dude, we're gonna stop. It's different, right? We're gonna stop different. It helps a different no, but it helps to cause late you know after like I don't know how to count. Ah yeah. I didn't mean it like that. All right, you're fucking, yeah. All right. All right. Listen, you need a great doubt for your business in a short time. You don't have time to get lost. These huge stacks are a resume to find the perfect time.

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If these guys are good at their job, my podcast goes forward. If these guys are good at their job, my podcast goes forward. If they stop being good at their job, we fucking pause. A pause business is shit. So the quality of the higher keeps your business moving forward, but you also have to, it takes a lot of time to find people. The right candidate for the job. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? Listen man, it's terrible out there. It's hard to find the right people for the right job. Even the people that say, I want to do it,

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That zippercuted.com slash what dude? One more time, try it free, go to zippercuted.com slash what dude. Okay, there you go. That's one. You made it through the ad, good for you. So Jay, you have, where were you this weekend? What are you talking about? I was at a. What are you talking about? What do you think I'm talking about? The only two things you said directly to my face are what the fuck is wrong with you and where

were you? Where were you this weekend? That's a. A comic would say that to another comic you went, what do you mean? Yeah, dude, sag harbor, bass street theater, man's a, a comic would say that to another comic. You went, what do you mean? Sagittarber? Yeah, dude, sag harbor, bass street theater, man. Yeah, and I was it the fucking, it's far. It's like a six hour drive, right? Two hours. Where is it? It's in sag, it's on Long Island, sag harbor.

Oh, okay, no, I'm thinking of sag, I'm thinking of some, you're thinking of Maine, he's, he's right. You're thinking of Maine. Maine, is it Maine, sag, it's over? I thought sag, I was in Maine. We'd look it up if Mike wasn't peeing right now. He'd be able to.

Far harbors in Maine. Oh, we can have her look it up if she wants. But can I want to go back to the show? She can go back to the Harvey Weinz and what I was saying. What I was saying. Far harbors in Maine. You want to get out of the, I know. Can we just, I don't want to get out of it.

I was just saying that they were such pieces of shit that I think us raising our voices will hold a little longer. Buddy, I don't know. I think think you think we're going to longer. Buddy, I don't know. I think think you think we're gonna be able to. Buddy, the times are changing. This, no, and I don't mean, I know you're a funny guy, of course. I'm not saying you, but you.

I'm tired. The generation of comics that are coming up are just sensitive. Dude, we came up with fuck you, shut the fuck up, you stink. Yeah, but our parents like, like they, they wanted to be our best friends and shit. That's why we're also sensitive. Yeah. Yeah, it's, it's almost made me nervous with my kid.

I might be a little, you gotta stop yourself. No, you don't know I am. Yeah, let me fight. You don't even know me. Stop, stop telling me how I'm over my kid before you do some dummy stupid youth joke before I get mad at. I know you're gonna stop being nice to the kid. Shut the fuck up.

Listen, you have a kid, right? I have two. You have two kids. Oh yeah, hold. I have a three and a half year old and a two year old. Oh wow. And I'm not raising them to be my best friend. I'm a father first and a friend second.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I love hanging on my kid. I'm goofy. I play with my kid, but I have no problem shutting them down. Yeah, of course no problems No, you have to it's hard with my son. It's hard Yeah, you're so close home. My son is eight and my daughter is five. Okay, and my son and me are just you know It's just so close throw the ball play and like he's we he gets it

He's smart. He's empathetic, but when I have to put it down on him That's when it's hard because I'm just look, and he'll look at me almost confused, but we have a, you know what I'm like, I'm like, listen, I had to tell him, I said, I love you, and even though you're my best friend, I'm your father first, before I'm your best friend, I'm your father, and if you do something, and he'll kinda just look, and he gets it,

but yeah, it's tough, it's tough to put it down, sometimes like that, and my daughter will just tell me to go fuck myself, my daughter is on a whole other, my daughter is on a whole other fucking thing. Well, my favorite jokes get, pull your hat up a little bit so they can see your face on the camera. Okay.

You gotta down like you're a fucking drop in a wrap album. I thought you were gonna say a heart. All right. What was it one of the favorite jokes? Ah. Ah. Such a comic. Yeah, well, you wanted to one of my favorite jokes. But you fucking add up. I didn't see. I didn't yell.

I said gently. I said, put you add up so they can see you. He wants to give you shine. I'm trying. I'm trying to make you shine. Plus, you lost a little weight, man. Thank you. All right.

The joke we do on her with the. Oh, with the lightsaber. The lightsaber. Yeah. Behind your neck. Yeah. And you know what we did for the at the end of the. So. The lightsaber behind your neck. Yeah, and you know what we did?

For the at the end of the, so I wanted to come up with at the end of the special when the credits come up. She's still shot. And we got one of her whole than it. That's great. And she's got like this mean face. Yeah, it would do my daughter's fucking nuts man.

She's great, but she's just such a, you know, somebody said, somebody said, so you have one of each. Yeah. My daughter's fucking nuts too. So I think it's that second child thing. It's a second child thing and it's also, she has, she's probably more independent.

Like somebody said something once, like, you talk about your son, a comic said to me once and it kind of bothered me when they said it. They were like, you love your son more or something and it hurt me when they said it and I actually went home thinking about it and I'm like, no, it hit me. What it is is, my son needs me more than my daughter needs me

because my son is empathetic, my son is sensitive, my son wants to know like, why is someone fucked up like that where my daughter will go? Fuck you, don't talk to me like that. And I already sense it. I already know me and my wife will go, my daughter already hopped on the bus, first day of school on the bus,

put her backpack on, marched right on, teacher said she walked around, she's been in the school for fucking 15 years, just knowing everything. she knifed chicken She just you know and and and my son was more like this person, you know Why did that person and I knew and I'm like oh my son needs me more than and so that's what it is So when people say you love where you care I think your parents things and what the fuck do I know I'm a comic have you know what I mean?

But I that's what I that's what I sense is that our parental skills and our natural instinct to be a parent goes to what needs you the most and you feel it. You're like, no, man, my son is not, my daughter will, has strong, is independent and strong and I see it at five years old. Are your parents still together? No. They just divorced. Were you with, were you, were your parents together your whole life living together?

They were until I went to college and then they separated and they were separated for like eight years and then they got divorced. Gabby, what about you? Uh, divorced. They're divorced? Yeah, but remarried. remarried, but you have a, they raised you how?

Very nice, did they yell, were they screaming, did they hit you? No, they were fine, they were hippies. Oh, hippies. Smokin' pot. Right, a smokin' pot. Yeah. So you, so you're kind of a hippies. Oh, hippies. Smokypot. Right, oh, Smokypot. Yeah. So you're kind of a hippie.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. And where did you grow up? New Jersey. New Jersey, okay. Mike, what about you? Divorced. All right, geez, you know what to make everybody stand out.

What was that, what was that fucking move? What was that move? Did you say, is that mean? What was that move? What are you talking about? What the fuck, you act, what you act? What was that move? Divorced, that's not what happened. Well, I'm just divorced. I mean The wars You act we act divorce Just divorce

That was too much to do you feel that also my dad is dead Well, you should have said it like that I'm sure that that should have been dead He died after the divorce wow Did he die after the divorce? Wow, did he die because of the divorce? No. All right. Does it hurt?

Does it hurt? It's heart disease. Oh, heart disease. All right. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is that Mike? Yeah, well, all right. That's been a great.

That's cool though. This is how we have another ad. We have just one ad tonight. I know a deep discount. Anyways, bring up deep discount a little bit. I'm gonna trick him into fucking listen to the ads. You motherfuckers are gonna get me. Zach, what about you?

Oh, no, my parents is separated. Separated, everybody's separated, I guess. That's nuts. That's true, right? You have parents together. My parents got divorced when I was five. What about you? When I was two.

Two. Wow, and then a strange dad. Then my dad bounced by the time I was 10. I saw him once from 12 to 37. I've seen my dad a very limited amount, maybe 50 times in my life. Yeah, in my real dad. I can count, I can tell you them. I like my my dad a very limited amount of maybe 50 times in my life. Yeah, I'm my real dad. I can count I can tell you them. I like I like my real dad though. Even though we don't talk anymore

I mean my real dad oh we had a connection. We were the same person. Yeah, yeah We had a great time even though we never really hung out or never so the second guy was a piece of shit Yeah, yeah, just a fucking you know Beat the shit out of me type shit verbal bully That's why I said what do you expect? Well, no, he was a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, but just a fucking, you know, beat the shit out of me type shit, verbal bully. That's why he said, what do you expect? Well, no, he was a piece of shit. Right. The third, the last dad was great. The Larry. He's there now my mother second. He was Frank's not sure. He fucking he, he loved to cook in three, three marriages, three marriages, third husband. How old are you when Larry came in? It was too late for

me then. It was was around I was around So funny and this is my mother and Larry were both married Trying to get divorces and they they hooked up So you know what I mean? So my mother finally gets divorced we move into this other house and one day some fucking blonde broad kicks the front door down. It's Larry's wife. And Larry came from an old school family, from old school Italian family. You don't get divorced. I mean, stuff like that. But, you know, they, they were meant to be together. I mean, him and my, him and my mom together.

That's great. Fucking great. I was just too late for me. I was already a psychopath. I was already drinking, using drugs. It was, it was literally months too late. If he had come in a year earlier, maybe, I would have been, using drugs. It was literally months too late. If he had come in a year earlier, maybe, I would have been a different person.

I would have been a different person. I would have been in construction or managing something, or, you know what I mean? I wouldn't have been. It's amazing how most of us, nobody would be sitting in this room. Nobody would know. If you come with that love, and you know,

you think of like, oh, I would have went to college, I would have fucking had a job, you know what I mean like my little brother Andrew redhead too, by the way Fucking man man, he's a he's a man. He's got a couple inches on me But he's the sweetest kid I've ever met gentle giant pull a rip your fucking face off if he had to you know Like me and him were wrestling one day. This is like five years ago, wrestling. I was like, dude, how fucking, I'm gonna, you know, I remember him in fucking a onesie.

You know, now I'm wrestling. We have the back, pulls me up, snaps my rig, ribs. I'm like, and he's like, but I'm so sorry, but I'm good. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good stuff, you get strong, you get into that. That's what I like about you. I knew always someday you'd be there.

It's for the sister. I'm gonna go sit down, I can't sit. Okay, great, I'm gonna stand in the corner. Oh, go ahead, big kid. Sweet kid, you know, and he was raised by my stepdad, Lair, and he raised the fucking great kid. Yeah. Great kid.

And my sister's great too, my little sister's great. Great kid. Me and my sister should deal, but that's like, you know, having a kid now, I do not want. I think there was a generation of fucking, just assholes raised. I think there was so much abuse in the 60s, 50s, 60s, 70s. There was so much fucking, they just didn't know that

in the 80s and 90ss They compensated way too much with these fucking kids, but it's happening even more now like I think over the last even 10 years 10 years I don't have to leave dude. Don't be all right. I'm sensitive. All right Well, though that's even a sign. I mean who pees in the middle of fucking work I fucking got here Well, that's even a sign. I mean, who pees in the middle of fucking work? You know what I mean? That's it. Through it. I fucking got here. I'm in the throat. I fucking do shit. What the other day?

Eight hours I didn't pee. I was working. You know the show. Because imagine if we sacrifice health, that's hilarious. I got the clap right now. I'm gonna fuck it wait. Dude, that's it. But that's like in a nutshell, like our grandparents.

I walked to work. Yeah. Now we're like, I peed. I didn't pe it. 45 minutes. You know what I do to my son? You know what I, he's three and a half. When we walked from the car to school for like pre-K, since he was two and a half, you carry your lunch

and I don't carry you. That's how it goes. He owes my hand, he carries his lunch, and he was always like, it's too heavy. And I go, wait till we get to the gate. Then he gets to the gate and he's like, it's heavy. I'm like, wait till we get to the room. Yeah.

Cause I mean, that's, you know, I'm still gonna take that, I'm still gonna be old school. I was raised old school. I had a single mom PS. There was no dad. What do you Irish? I reckon dad. I'm everything.

Yeah. You know, Irish Italian, Swedish, German. Yeah. I had a single mom. My mom refused to go on welfare. Yeah. She, she couldn't want on welfare. We said I will not go on welfare.

She made just too much money to go on welfare. She said, I will work. My ass off, you kids will fucking take care of yourself. And you know, that's it. I will not go on fucking welfare. I'm gonna pay for my apartment. I'm gonna pay for your fucking food. If we need help from our family, we'll get it.

But I'm not going on a fucking welfare. Yeah. Yeah. What are you gonna say? Nothing. Nothing. You're gonna say something. All right. I'll say it. I remember one time my mom said to me, she, you know, we did fruit stands for why I was a dragon. I'm gonna tell it to you. You might get offended. So this fucking deal with it. She goes, you know, I could have moved to Medford and gotten to

pop and we all could live there and would have had more money. But I started saying Stonum and have a house. So you guys had a house and you'd be right down the street from your school. So I want to get mad at that because you're from Medford. I saying stonum and have a house so you guys had a house and you'd be right down the street from your school So I want to get mad at that because you're from medford I Like stonum, we're never probably no shit zoo. It fucking you watch your goddamn I'll get a whole a bear bro. Yeah, the polar bear have fucking holes in its fur Yeah, we're living in stonum. Yeah shit I went to the Sanio Zoo two weeks ago. They had one polar bear my wife goes this is amazing. Was that a good zoo?

Yeah, it's great I'm a fucking gorilla came right up to my son at the glass and his head to his and then turn around and just dropped his back to Dude, I just yeah, that's the fucking animals like that was we went I went swimming with a fucking sea turtle man Buddy, I told you about that. What I tried to tell you but in Hawaii in a robot. Yeah, buddy listen I got sick but in what way of it? I to tell you but in Hawaii in a robot. Yeah, buddy. Listen, I got sick. But in what way of it? I gotta tell you. You got off to. I'm gonna try to get the turtle to fucking swoop me. What now I'm sitting there for 10 minutes. We put this one with me. I call over this big a turtle.

I say you fucking believe the turtle. You hired this fuck. You hired the turtle. I just know where to be. That was money I paid to be with this turtle. Listen, listen, first of all, we got three things going on here. We got this fucking generation right here of Faggala's. Faggala.

What's your last name? Faggala. What's your last name? Saggala. We got a generation, what? My grandma used to say that all the time. What? Faggala?

Faggala. Listen, she's dying. So, okay, so we got this generation coming up and a fucking sensitive assholes We're dealing with that, but then you got the sea turtle thing. Yeah, which I told you about I told you before you went to Hawaii You don't let you listen. Yeah, listen. Let me tell you. Yeah, don't swim a time when I told you if you listen I got my toe over there. No, no, I Who's the far away it is. He couldn't even talk if he wanted.

No, I think I think I would take away my senses. No, I think I remember you saying I was gonna see him, but I don't remember the whole thing. That's not what I said. I said you could have fucking died. Sea turtles are the main food source of tiger sharks. They stop killing sea turtles They stop fuck and the population expanded wet nuts because you can't even look at a sea turtle

The hotels at night when the sea turtles have their babies It is they it's illegal for you to have your lights on and your hotel room passes seven o'clock at night Because at night the sea turtles will see the sun the lights from the hotel and think it's the moon, the moon and go that way. All right. So they have to shut you, put your shades up, right? Oh, they'll come in your room and shut your shades. So now there's so many sea turtles that the fucking tiger sharks are coming back.

That's why Cape Cod, the fucking seals. Yeah. The Cape Cod thing is the seals of all my great. Yeah, that's the great way. I remember killing them. Yeah. So I said to the guy when we went, we went snorkeling. It was one of the things that we did. Somebody's like, listen, you come to why to three things you have to do. You have to go to Lanekai Beach, which we did. It's on the East Shore.

You have to go to see Pearl Harbor, right, which we did quickly. We didn't do the whole six hour thing But we went there and get a moco loco and then you got to get well no, no, I didn't get a moco loco But but I saw I saw nothing I didn't why why you didn't get a moco loco? No, I did not know why what is that? It's two hamburgers on rice. It's like a gravy They call it a plain a fucking fried egg. Yeah, I played so bad. That's why all that's why Hawaiian people are big with flat backs. Yo, you go to that breakfast spot with the pancakes. Oh, yes, cinnamon. Cinnamon. No, it's not it. Anyway, I was a third thing. So the third thing was they say go they said go and snorkel. So, uh,

so I was like, all right, so we go to the concerto resort and he and he was like, look, he was I'm gonna be honest with you He goes that we went we went we hiked up this man who a false to go to this big fall Waterfall thing is like you don't need to go on a tour they're gonna charge you fucking $80 for the tour Yeah, he goes and they're just gonna go yeah, this is that this is that and then you get to the top and it's done And you spend a lot of money goes you and your wife go do the adventure so we did that and we thanked him He goes look sn and your wife go do the adventure. So we did that. And we thanked him. He goes, look, snorkeling thing. He goes, you're going to go to this famous bay. You'll see there's a thing. You think it's going to be this amazing thing where you put your fucking head down and you see all these

tropical fish because there's going to be 150 people in a line. He goes, the only way you're going to see amazing shit is if you go all far by yourself, which isn't dangerous, but you'll be away from everybody. He goes, I got the place. I got the company. They're going to take you out on a fucking boat You're gonna go out on this boat. You're gonna go to the west side of the shore You know, this doesn't sound like every fucking shark attack movie ever Some fucking dumb Italian couple Good looking fucking couple 10 year. Hey, oh

Had some troubles five years in 10 years. They met everything's great now careers go I just got a promotion at the Jeff bum Let's you know what we're making more money now fucking People I'm sick of that I'm sick of following the herd honey Tony Robin said you're gonna fucking anchor yourself and move forward by yourself. We're going what where is it pal? Half a torso shows up Poor wife stuck a rock in the middle of a fucking highway. Now, my wife's afraid of afraid petrified a fish and doesn't eat fish because when she

just never eats fish and when she was younger, she went snorkeling in a fish bitter because people that were snorkeling with her fed the fish and made them come in. I don't know, but she said she saw a parrot. Crude a parrot. She said, what? Say parrot. What was the story from now on? Just say it's a parrot fish. Don't say I don't know. Just say it was a parrot fish. Okay, it's a parrot. Who the parrot? She said what? Say parrot. What's the story from now on?

Just say it's a parrot fish. Don't say I don't know. Just say it was a parrot fish. Okay, it's a parrot fish bitter. She freaked the fuck out. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

I can say it's so easy. Yeah. Yeah. You're acting like it's hard for you to lie. It's so soft. Why would I do that? Why would I do that? If I get branded a liar on this show.

Body come on. So they pick us up. Seven o'clock pickup, right? They pick us up. We're gonna think they're taking us an hour to the west side of the, have you been to Oahu? Yes. Okay. So they pick us up all the way over there.

That's me. What? You got married, you got married in Maui. I got it. I've been to Oahu too. Yeah, I'll have you. Yeah, okay. We talked about it.

So we go over, we're in a catamaran. We're in a catamaran. Normally the catamaran holds, they say, 88 people, only 30. So it was very private, it was very private. Now the night before, and my older brother happened to be, my older brother was in Hawaii at the time, and we were like, hey, we did all these things alone.

He's here, should we snorkel with my brother? She was, yeah, bring him, bring your brother. So we're laughing the night before my brother, because the last time he went on a boat with his company They went out on a six hour fucking adventure out there. He was puking for five hours and all he wanted it was it to be over So I'm sitting there talking on my wife the night before going. Yeah, man Christian. What if he's throwing up this one now So we got on this cat in my ran private only 30 of us big beautiful boat guy goes captain goes all right Here's a deal. He gives us the whole spiel guys. Boats your boat just no spray, you know, sunscreen, it could, you know,

make people slip and fall. This is what you got to do. You also got two tickets, the two tickets you got. He's doing that whole two tickets. You got it for free cocktails. But after that, you could come purchase. We got everything. We appreciate tips. We're going to take out. We're going to see the dolphins. Then we're going to go over to the snorkeling with the turtles. The whole fucking thing. It's a good dick. Get banged up before you go deep sea. Oh, wait, oh wait, I got one for you. No, this is just happened, this happened.

So he goes, we can make a cocktail, you know, you can get a my tie, but we got something called because they wanted to get cute because it was a catamaran. We got something called a catatonic. Now we want to know what a catatonic is, but everybody loves it. Come on, it's come on. It's It's called dark alcohol poison. Yeah, it's dark. Fuck a pineapple juice another rum a tequila this nutmeg. So I'm just sitting back in the six is it they called that how to finger fuck a girl So I don't know. I don't want to drink. It's fucking 830, but I want a drink So I don't it night on morning. No more, no more. So my wife's like, I'll just get him my tie.

So my older brother, he says, what do you want man? I'll go get it for you because it was like empty. So like people were just being, they were being over. Husband, yeah, we'll go get it for you. No one's here. So my brother goes, I'll get that catatonic thing. He goes, they're really good. And he points and I go, all right, I get a catatonic, right?

So it comes back, right? And I start sipping it. It's fucking delicious, right? But it's filled with alcohol. So now I'm emptypping it's fucking delicious right but it's filled with alcohol so now I'm I'm empty I'm empty st- it tasted like pineapple juice and rum with this with just a fucking hint of tropical shit it was good right and uh- like rummin pineapple on tropical yeah but like the night and then a hint of like the

clown they put a photo of the lay off literally said the two most tropical days you could have it a drink dude it's like papaya and palm leaves with the hint of a lion area and then boy you're right you got me true then tropical shit so now I start halfway through I've started getting a little I start getting a little fucking and we go over and he's like, guys, guys Look, look the dolphins are over there and we see what they're called Hawaiian spinner dolphins. Yeah, and

He goes, you know, and they're all just going up and down. He goes, you know, they're sleeping right now. I start learning shit I was like, how the fuck are they? You know, I can't go Sleeping right now, you know, I'm like, how the fuck they're not sleeping. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm saying. What, what, what, what he's down the store though, he talks to you or you? I'm earn a sh**. No, no, no, no. I'm laughing.

I'm laughing out. So, so, so, take a, you know, they're sleeping right now. And I'm confused because they're going like this. And then one, a baby, like the size of a football, just jumped up and fucking, they go, do you see the baby? And I'm, I wanted to be like, how did I sleep? How did I sleep in it?

Maybe that one was asleep. No, no, it was like how did I sleep in it? If they're swimming, they're not sleeping. And she goes, no, she goes, what they do is they're not eternal and they actually turn half of their brains off. And this is just their motion. The other half is on for defenses, but they're actually sleeping.

They're sleeping. It's the same as the catatonic. It's basically what you're going through right now. Yeah. So, she's like this. I'm fucking, so now I'm buzzing, now I'm buzzing catatonic. It's great to be what you're going through right now. Yeah. So, she's like this. I'm fucking, so now I'm buzzing my nuts off. Mind you, on the way in the van, I was drinking a coffee before we got on the boat

and I said to my wife, I go, my stomach is just not right and she goes, why the fuck are you drinking caffeine before you go on this thing? And I'm like, I don't know, you know? The fuck was that? Dante Nero. Oh, okay. I think it was the poke, you know? What the fuck was that? Dante Nero. Oh, okay.

I think it was the Poke you had to that Pokemon. So I had that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you had Poke, not a fucking mocha logo. I had, I had, I had, I had all kinds of fishes out there. So anyway, what's a Poke?

I didn't even know what that is. So the guy goes, you want another one? You want another one? I'm like, yeah, I get another one. There's nobody ignores you. I'm trying to learn. It's like chopped up fish in a Pokemon. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, I'm almost like yeah, I get nobody acknowledges. I'm trying to learn. It's like chopped up fish in a bowl.

Two in a year, it's like in and this is, you know, it's almost like a sushi me learning thing. It's almost like a sushi me bowl. So I gave you the first poke by the way. You did, you did, right here by the fat black pussy kind of was great. Not all the figure. He's always great.

So I'm on the second one and they go, all right guys, we're gonna go to the thing and then they give they give the speech. Yeah, you can't and what you mean because you can't touch or go near the turtles. So don't be a fucking don't be one of these people that sees a fucking and I'm going like how close are we gonna and I can also now my stomach is starting to act up. Now mind I've been on cruises boats have never been sick. They tell you spray the fucking you've been snorkeling before. You spray the fucking mask and you dip it in it. You've been too late, bro. I'm in the middle. He said no. He didn't say anything. He said no. Hey, they be I contribute. He started a memory. Did he say no? Did he say no? Yeah, he said LA know. Okay. Well, I didn't even say I had to apologize. I thought when you got this, I was like, oh, he didn't. You wanted a New York know, which is not.

He was like, well, now that you've never been to it. No, no. That's not good. You never have snorkel. They tried to get me, so I went once on it. I'm like, fuck this is a waste. I'd rather be up in the boat chilling. Right, right.

That's in LA know. Okay, so you wanted to stand up, boat drink, right? Which I, hindsight, so I start feeling so'm like, fuck this is a waste. I'd rather be up in the boat chilling. Right, right. That's an LA, no. Okay, so you wanted to stand up, drink, right? Which I, hindsight, so I start feeling so that like, you take the fucking mask, you dip it in, make sure it's up on the head, the snorkel, the whole thing, you put the vest on. And I start, I start to feel I'm just, I'm like, whatever. And my wife who's afraid of fish, she's fucking,

she's just in, she's loose. She's just, my wife, like, was just so fucking adventurous and cool and relaxed relaxed being away from her responsibility. So she fucking, we put the fucking flippers on. She jumps in. They go sit down, put the flipers on, jump right in, kind of get quick. We want to get people in. So I just get in the water now. And the water was a little rough, like a light drizzle and clouds went away and I'm going. What the fuck, dude? Why is it? Why is it moving? It's fucking moving to I put my eye. The ocean. Are you talking about the ocean? No, no, but Bobby, it wasn't I mean, I was in the Pacific all fucking week and this was this was doing

something like this was like really shifting hard like it was shifting it was shifted it was it was current the current right so I put my I've you watch finding Nemo listen to this listen to this shit so I put. So I put my, I never did this before. I never did it before. And everybody starts swimming out far and I put my fucking face down and I never seen. It was like being in a fucking fish. I mean, it was the most beautiful tropical fish right there.

And then you see coral and you see the bottom of the fucking ocean and you just see fucking these amazing. And I could come up. But it was like, you know, if you take a pair of strong glasses, eye glasses and you put it on and you take it off, it was, it did something and the way the fucking current was going when I did it. I was just like, that's the most beautiful thing,

but I don't feel like, so then all of a sudden, I hear people through their fucking snorkels, woo, full turtle, yeah, you start hearing that shit. Look at the turtle, so I look down and I see this fucking huge sea turtle and I'm going oh my god And I'm just came up and stay still stop coming up because it was so magnified different It was like going into a fucking clear fish tank. Wait a minute wait a minute So when you go into water and then when you came up it was different

No, but not what not what you're thinking different like not like going in a pool and seeing clear It was like a fucking it was almost like a dizzy fucking like What's the like it was I was discombobulated. It was like being it was fucking weird and I think the fucking Tucka loco. Yeah, yeah So now all that fucking syrupy sugary shitty drinks sit me here So as the current moves me and I and I was already queasy I start and I want to see these beautiful fish I want to see these beautiful fish. I'm fighting this fucking sickness. I mean fucking Hawaii. She was 500 dollars this fucking you know, I'm trying to you know

I had a cup and my wife goes just look straight down like look straight down So I look straight down. I helped me a little bit. I see these beautiful sea turtles and now I start to I start to panic I had an anxiety attack I had an anxiety I'm looking at the most I'm looking to find an emo shit I got bright yellow fish. There's one black fish with this bright yellow strip. It's fucking beautiful beautiful Fish All these beautiful fish and I'm just going what the fuck is wrong with you? So I go look I was literally talking to myself.

I was starting to make anxiety tech. I'm going to listen to, you're in Hawaii, you're having, my wife who's a fridge, look at this, she's fucking having, she's having a great time, she's not panicking. Where's your brother at this point? She's, my brother's just looking around, who's just fucking great, you know, everybody's great.

The guy who was running, the guy who like helped and the guy Rodney, his name was, he's the one that got us the drinks, he was the one that showed us everything and said, don't go to the toast, he came up to me in the water. And he just goes, hey, bro, he goes, you all right? And he knew. And then my wife says, you all right?

So I was just like, what the fuck is going on? I think what it was was I knew something was wrong and the dizziness and everything was fucking with my stomach and I couldn't fully enjoy. So I'm looking and they were like, we're gonna be in here for 45 minutes. I'm only 20 minutes in and I wanna go go to my wife goes do you want to you want to go back to the boat? Look at the boat the boat's far. The boat's far. Yeah the boat's far. Yeah

and I got fucking flippers on it shit and I'm trying to figure out how to go fast and I realize when you put your arms on your sides and you kick you go faster. You should have shut half your brain there. They have any like but I actually I'm proud of my like floaties or anything. What have you passed that? No, you're in a the vest that you have. Oh, yeah, the vest that you have has a little fucking. You have a floaty little. I'm fucking man with flippers. I'm picturing it like you just jump.

I have a vest that has like a vest as a everybody had to. But so you have to so you have to. You have to blow into the fucking tube and it gives you a little air. And then these fucking people that are like pros, they let go of the air and they go all the way down and they're trying to do shit. So I said Paul, you're in Hawaii, you're fucking everything just your way. You dropped me yourself. No, I'm talking myself now.

Oh, so you're back. I'm going to stop fucking. This is beautiful. Look at the fish and get back. But now it's far. Yeah. I swim back and I'm just swimming back and I'm just like, let's just get the fuck back. That was great. It's time to go back. My wife is like, let's go. So I get back to the thing and the fucking woman. One of the other staff is going, all right, I need you to step up on the two steps and take your flippers

off before you come and hand them to me. I'm going to put them in a thing. So now I'm see that dude, I swam with that shit. That fucking thing, on the, on the, that one? That one, yeah, that fucking dead. That shit, it was right there and it was beautiful, right? So I get for the flippers. They make it women bears. Yes. Yeah.

So I, as I'm giving her the flippers, I'm going to do this, you're not right, something's wrong. And she goes, that was all, you know, and they're like, she goes, that was awesome, right? And I just, I was like, yeah, and I handed it to flippers, and I just looked at Stacy and I said, I'm gonna throw up, and she goes, what? And I never throw up, and I just fucking sprint downstairs. I close a bathroom door and I'm holding on,

I'm going, what the fuck? And I start sweating, and I just, that fucking sugary shit, I just go, and I just start throwing up right and I'm like, I a little better and next one. And the second one comes up and a little coffee and I'm like, I'm starting to feel better. And I'm like, let me just wait and I hold the wall. I think I'm better. And the boat just goes and I just fucking threw up three times. I went up to the top. She was like, oh, you all right. Luckily, there was still people in the water. So it was just us. And I just fucking threw up I threw up three times I went up to the top She was like, are you all right luckily there was still people in the water so it was just us And I just had to sit there and stare everyone everyone's a pro when you sit on the ocean everybody's a fucking

stare at the shore don't look up look at one thing and I'm fucking miserable Everybody knows everything and I just I was gonna suck on lemons But he knows everything. And I just, I was, I'm gonna suck on lemons. Yeah, I'm lemons. Count to 19 backwards by 16. You start feeling better. I felt like shit and it took me until that night.

We got back to our resort around a little before two in the afternoon. I just went to bed. I said, Stacy, I feel so best and she went shopping. She went to the pool. I said, look, I'll be better. And by 6.30, I came to and I was better. But so that was the only bad part about my Hawaii experience.

There's two hours on the cat. Right after we went. What would you learn? I learned that spinner Hawaiian spinner fish are sleeping. No, not that. Don't fuck you alcoholic. Don't fucking drink it eight in the morning on a boat. What about the other people that did?

Yeah, I think it was the shit that I drank. It was shitty liquor. It was that, you know what I did? It was cause all these tourists go on these like, to these tropical places going, I'm gonna get pineapple in the syrupy shit and all the fucking shitty liquor that they give you and you think it's cool because we're drinking pineapple

and water, that was what, yeah. Carbicchins. Yeah. You don't drink, you don't drink on a boat. No. I mean, I mean, I ain't gonna say cruise ships. Those don't move. You want a fucking cat in my hand?

Oh, one of those boats. You have a ginger ale. Has anybody here ever been seasick? I got seasick. Yeah, every time I get on a boat. Really? Every single time. Even like a cruise.

So quiet. Well, because you said something we're listening. What do you want us to do? That's all I want to do. Every time you go on a boat, you throw up. I go on on a Oh, it's like the dream of this podcast for somebody to say something and for people that listen the first time it's ever happened on the show and she goes she's every so quiet. I was expecting just

commentary. I was on a ferry from a rotan and one Doris rotan. Oh, what? A ferry. A ferry. A ferry. What do you think a ferry doesn't move? I'm so sorry. I think a lot of ferries move. Yeah, l've been down back and forth on top, bottom. Am I not saying it right? No, you're saying it right?

I'm saying it. So we take it over to the mainland to go white water. We go white water after, but on the way back, it's like crazy choppy. so much so that they're passing out baff bags to everybody. And they're showing a slasher film. Oh, God. The kids are running around. It's crank. Everyone's heap. They're people heaving everywhere around me. My wife's asleep, but I'm just doing that and like that.

And I fought through it. Yeah. I was on my mom and stepdad took me my sister. Number one or two. The last one. Okay. We don't talk about number two. He's like Voldemort. They go, we're going to go whale watching because they live in Marblewood.

So where I will go? We go on this fucking whale watching boat. The sea, it's like in November. It's like the fucking seas. It's like, it's like, it's like the perfect storm shit, right? You think George Clooneyum and Wahlberger are going to be at the fucking helm. One of the things going to cresting on waves. We get out there, there's fucking no whales because it's so dangerous. There's no fucking whales. I can see Bobby looking. There's no fucking whales. I can see Bobby looking.

In the fucking... There's no fucking whales. We're fucking outside and the guy will go, okay, over to the right, on the porch sides. Everybody's like, what's porn? And then he'd have to go right, whatever, we'd all go to everybody's on that side. No, there's a whale, like, a hundred,

seven football fields away, you see a splash. So the wave's, he goes, we have to go back. It's too bad. We have to cut this shit. We're sorry people. Everybody's fucking seasick on this boat. Every, you look out the window. We're all just sitting shivering.

Everybody's puking. There's like families of five. Yeah. A little two-year-olds with the mother going, yeah. Yeah. I go outside, there's a woman's bathroom on the outside. I go in and lock myself in the fucking bathroom. I'm so sick. I'm just puking.

You see a woman going, hello? Yeah! Hello, little girls. I wouldn't let anybody in. I was like, fuck you. I'm puking my face up. The whole boat is throwing up. It was 40 people puking my face up. The whole boat is throwing up. It was 40 people puking on this fucking boat.

It was terrible. We pull back to the dock. It looks like a fucking boat coming in from being in NAMM on the river of fucking Saigon River. It's like, come back. How's it going? People are looking at us like, are you okay? People just fucking the bloods drained out everybody's face. Little kids are crying, smells like fucking pickles.

Uh, pickles. It was disgusting. And no whales. No whales, no one fucking whale did we see a fucking whale. One splash. I go out on this other boat, they did a Cassie want this giant, someone bought a Chinese, One splash. I go out on this other boat, they did a Cassie want this. Someone bought a Chinese

cruise ship, old cruise ship. It was like, all right, it like, you know, didn't have too much. It was a few decks, 12, man, I know, it wasn't one of the, it was like a small little Chinese cruise ship. And it had like a basketball court on the top deck, like a little pool, it was a weird little shit.

Right in New York. And all you have to do is go out three miles and it's maritime law. Yeah. It's a bottom. And it's what maritime law? It's like international waters. It's like you can do whatever the fuck you want. Every game's legal.

Every game's legal. Yeah. Yeah. Murder? No. That's not legal anywhere. I don't think. I don't know.

Cool. We said everything's legal. Is murder legal anywhere. I don't think, is it? I don't know. Cool. We said everything's legal. Is murder legal anywhere? No. No. No. It might be on the moon, I'm sure you can get away with it. It is, I guarantee there's, there is legal somewhere.

Maybe on the moon. I want, there's no law on the moon. It's the first. Reality check. So is it international waters avoid punishment? Read some of that. So anyways, if you find it. So I, we're on this cruise ship, $100 you pay.

You get a room for the night. You leave around seven o'clock, buffet, every cruise ship, you know, all that same shit. We go out three miles, but it's such an old cruise ship that it's so bad. I get seasick. Fuckin' two hours in. I'm at a blackjack table.

Hunched over. With all exactly everything. Everybody turns into an expert. I got a bowl of lemons table. Punched over. Exactly. Everybody's changing to an expert. I got a bowl of lemons. I got a bowl of lemons. I got a fucking ginger ale. I got a fucking toothpicks. Someone's filming a suck on toothpicks. Who was it with?

Didn't have them. They didn't have the e-match frost. I'm fucking dead. I had to go back to the room. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm peaking. I had to go back to the room. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm better than talking to him. I'm just illegal. It's illegal. Basically wherever the boat is registered register to your crimes will be taking care of. So if it's illegal from wherever

the boat is registered, that's where it's going to be. But is murder legal anywhere. So no, no, is murder Whatever you do. But is murder legal anywhere? So no. No, is murder not in the water, but is murder legal anywhere in the world? Um, any, is it, yeah, find the answer today's, that's a no. Try, well, you don't know that. Yeah, we'll see. Is murder legal, forget about the international waters, anywhere in the world. There you go.

I guarantee it is. Where in the world is murder legal? I guarantee it's legal somewhere. There's no way. I guarantee it is. Why didn world is murder legal I guarantee it's legal somewhere. There's no way I guarantee it is Why didn't we move it? I was he's like all right listen the reason I was late it's legal and So no unregulated killing of a person. It's not legal anywhere unregulated killing of a person, it's not legal anywhere.

Not even like the jungles of Brazil, where the closest it's legal is a soldier fucking just saying their occupant, like killing civilians. Is it cannibalism legal in the jungles in their cannibal? Yeah, aren't there like tribes? Yeah, they're not legal. It's not legal for them to do that. Just nobody's there to stop them. So, okay.

Thank you, Michael. Yeah. Very informative. We're learning on the show. What's up? What are you on your phone for? I just, I have to go. No, I don't.

I have a spot and they were like, Hey, where are you? You missed your spot. Oh my God. I was like, I'm doing Bobby's podcast and he said, All right, tell Fat Bobby to stop fucking up my lineup. Who's that? Patrick over at the stand. Oh, because it's coming from that fat mess.

It doesn't hurt as much. Um, I'm sorry, buddy. Well, you hit it remotely. Yeah, this is literally I look at the clock. I'm like, holy shit. I could, I feel like we've been here 15 minutes. I know, this is a good one. This is a lot of fun. A lot of fun.

Yeah, how long you're talking for? Leaving tomorrow. Oh, okay. We're in town for what? I came in and promote my special. Where is it? Nice. It's at my website, jlarsoncomedyedy.com now you shot at yourself. I shot it myself now Look at that face. Hey look great. Thank you nice

Congrats man. Thanks man appreciate it now you shot at yourself You should have it just look put out your company just my production company I put a whole crew together. We had six cameras and we got the L. Ray theater and we shot it there How expensive what expensive it was pricey, but you know, it was worth it I put a whole crew together. We had six cameras and we got the L Ray theater and we shot it there and how expensive Expensive it was pricey, but you know, it was worth it. I'm very proud of it. And I want to get it out. So that's awesome dude Congrats. Who's that guy on that? So yeah, that's great man. Now this is So I know you did congrats. I know saw that. That's and I did. I did it a couple of years ago too with Jim Zerberco and a puzzle.

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, it's great. I mean, isn't it amazing that you don't need, you used to need HBO or Comedy Central? Yeah, a showtime. Somebody to say, yeah, we'll shoot it with you and now you don't need that. You just need, uh, I took podcast money. Well, I took our podcast money. I'm like, you know what? I get to invest in myself. You can't ask anyone else to invest in you if you can't invest in yourself.

100% And I went out there and I'll tell you this. I closed that special in a 10 minute story about my dad dying who was estranged for me and I went home and went to his house and went through all his shit. That if I, and it's like, it's dark, but it's funny and dark, sad, funny.

They would never let you do it. They would never let you do something like that. And I'm like, you know what the climate of what America is right now We need stuff like that and I really want to get it out So I'm super proud of it and I was like able to do it the way exactly the way it's called me being me And it's exactly like what I would want to talk about and a lot of it is You know talking about when my mom hit me as a kid and making light of it and how I discipline my kids and putting booze on their gums and shit Did you yeah? Yeah, you did you did capze on their gums and shit. Did you?

Yeah. Yeah, you packed the booze again. You did? You packed them more when she was teething, you know? Really? Yeah, she threw up everywhere. You know what? You know what, she threw up.

It's fucking alcohol. She can't hold her booze, unless she threw up. But you know, I just like a bunch of stuff that's like the truths about like things that people don't normally talk about or like won't let you talk about, you know what I mean?? And then you know often people come up to me and they're like dude I'm so glad you said that I did the same exact thing blah blah blah blah, you know, whatever. Well, no, it's true that you There's only been a certain a couple guys in through the years that would you know

I guess go against that stand-hop is one of them like fuck it. I'll just go do my own. Yeah, for sure I'm wearing it now. It's like in fucking Prague. Yeah, yeah, whatever we're doing clubs. He was the first guy to say, no, I don't need to do. Louis stopped doing it too. Louis, like I'm not doing him. I won't do these clubs anymore. Just do the other clubs. Louis fucked me on this special. I was with you. Bless you. Really? Because Louis was the first one to do his own thing in charge five bucks. You know, so then you got a guy like me who doesn't have the money to do this and people like, how much are you gonna charge? I'm like, I don't know, I'm thinking 10 to like 10. Yeah, it's a little bit crazy. So I charged six. Yeah, it is. I had to charge five two on

my, yeah, I'm sorry, because he did really set the press at the bottom. He set the bottom. Fuck that ginger. What the fuck are you doing? I'm first of all, I'm joking. I'm joking. All right, relax. Yeah. Fuck it. You see who that is, dude? You guys and white coats are gonna come and just drag you out of here. Virzy coming in hot.

Take another thing. Fuck Richard. Prior. Fuck him on. Well, no, I'm, you know, it looks, it looks amazing. Thanks, man. And I saw Virzy's is, I mean, here's the thing, people used to shoot specials on their own and it would be garbage. Yeah.

You'd see it, you'd be like, oh, you find, and the people that did it were usually people who didn't need to, shouldn't have a special. Yeah. There is that element of this fucking that I was talking, I don't know who I was talking with about that, the technology is so advanced right now that every comic has their own CD. Where I do miss a little of that where you had to earn a record deal, where your comedy had to be up to par.

On a label. On par with to be on a label. Which kind of now every dickhead in his fucking sister has an hour special. You shouldn't do an album. You shouldn't do it. You shouldn't do an album. You shouldn't do an hour or an album. I think if you're doing comedy for under 10 years, honestly.

I just, it's just, I don't think you should do a fucking hour unless you're headlining. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but you, but you should be a fucking, but everybody is doing what, bird did to his on his own. Ari Shafir just did his. It's, it makes, it's, it makes more sense. I mean, you have to be ready, but it makes more sense. People are getting people to pay for the fans to pay for it up front with, like, go

fun, knees and shit. Well, no, and, and also comedians are doing it. Like, you know, Kevin Hartz, like, I'm these three guys, I'm gonna do it. You know, bur, you know, said to me, let's, let's do it. And so when you got people like that doing it and and it's smart Dude you and you're your boss to you're to myself. I'll do it And you're your and you do your own fuck you said what you wanted to say on there. Yeah, so nobody's gonna fucking sense you know What else I did I this is my third album so I've done two albums before this no

I went back to that record label that I did the first two albums with and I'm buying them back That's mom buying them both back. That's great. That's it's active. We haven't got the number yet but they totally agreed they're like, hey man, we don't want any, we want you to be happy and I was like, yeah, I just want to own my own stuff, man. I kind of want my own thing.

I, that's mine. You know, it's my life and they were like, we totally get it. I said, you know, like a regular business, two to three times its value, whatever you're making on it. I'm up with that number and then I'll back stock and I'll buy it all. Just tell me what the number is and we'll go from there. Yeah, I wish I, I mean, my just the tip is with, uh, Comedy Central. That'd be a tough one to buy back. They ain't going to give that up. No.

No. I doubt it. I mean, Comedy Central's coming. You know, it's Viacom. It's a corporation, you know, I actually, I like when I did that one, they didn't. I'm sure. I'm sure. I kind of fucked them on it. Yeah. Yeah, I got this guy. I was like, I want to film a documentary about a documentary of making a CD. I wanted to make a DVD of the making of a CD. And they were like, what? I was like, I want to make a DVD of the making of a CD

that goes, that doesn't make any sense. And I was like, trust me. And a DVD of the making of a CD that goes, that doesn't make any sense. And I was like, trust me. And I got this guy to do it and we shot this whole thing and I interviewed Colin and it was the whole making of my CD but it was a DVD about making a CD. They're like, but you're gonna shoot the special, the CD, no, no, no, that's just gonna be audio. Even Colin was like, this is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Yeah. And that was kind of it. But the guy who filmed it, this piece of shit, the guy who filmed it, overcharged me, he literally bought him a whole new editing suite. And he charged Comedy Central like $10,000. He was like, he had all the footage and they couldn't not buy, he had all, they spent all this money on this fuck

and they was like, yeah, it's gonna cost another and and they were like fuck it. All right. And they were like dude, we just dropped 10 grand on this. And it wasn't even that good. It was all right. This guy sucked his editing sucked. I didn't wind up giving the whole project to Jack Vaughan who was the head of comedy such a record. His girlfriend at the time who was an editor. She saved the project. It's the most important thing and I just went through a lot and we finally have it done. We finally have it colored. It just got done last week. It actually got done when I was in Hawaii, but I had issues.

Wait, when did you go to Hawaii? And I had issues. Last week. I had issues. I had issues. I wasn't even done. I was like, what the fuck? I was like, what the fuck?

I just said I was a green. I was like, my fucking whole ending. It's a green with you. You said you took editing and swung it into your story. Okay, I thought you were done. I thought you were doing an editing riff and you were just back on yours. So I was editing your story. Oh, I was a good one.

That's taking a hit. Yeah, my friend smashed me and I was a good one. I didn't say that's not true. I didn't say, well, that was mean. I just said fuck it out and I enjoyed it too. Understand? Mike, get off your phone. I've been not drinking.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, you can do whatever you want. Go ahead. So what, what, what you had problems with your, your, your, with the editor so, you know, everything, really? Oh my God, dude, it was, it was a problem because

everybody, they sent me the version that we wanted. And I'm like yeah, and all of a sudden it was just I'm in New York They're in LA. That was a problem. Yeah, and I'm going this needs to so I'm talking on my manager I'm talking my agent. Go yeah, that part can't be there. I don't want that part there Yeah, and they would fucking like kind of change and I'm like it took I go like and they were great But I was just like guys. I don't I don't do I have to there? So then it got to the point like Paul, fucking fly out there, sit down with them, do a one and done and I was going To Hawaii. So I'm like, I can't fucking go out there for one day, come back. So we were just like, we're just gonna be on the phone with them and we, I just had to fucking and I had to be Skype it a little stirring and shit and say guys this and then all of a sudden things started to improve. Yeah, and then I watched it

But I had eight versions yet eight versions are the fucking thing and then you're like and I started to improve. And then I watched it, but I had eight versions. Yet eight versions are the fucking thing. And then you're like, and in my contract was that I have final say. Yeah. And that was the double-edged sword. It was great because I have final say of my content, but also it just... Who's your contract with?

Who's your contract with? All things comedy is a production company. Oh, okay. Yeah, so they negotiated it with me that I would have final say. And then I'm like, no, this and that. So, but fun. The next guy they do a special with

isn't gonna have that neck. They'll be like, don't give him final say. Well, yeah. I mean, there's so much that goes into, my editor I've worked with, I did like a series of shorts for Fox with him that I did these like, Diner shorts with Madrigal and Rory with him.

A bunch of stuff. I'm, do you remember? I met you one time at an audition, and I had this short that I wrote for you and me and another comedian. Yeah, yeah, I said I'd do it. Yeah, you did, and I just, at that time, I didn't have it, you know, we didn't have it going on,

but, yeah, I've got a lot of money to shoot a special now. Let's get this going. Yeah, I need some fucking work. You know what I mean, Harry? I'll, I'll, I'll send you the script. Let's do it. But that's, that's killer, man, that you got all that because you want to have control for the,

yeah, you gotta do that. You're a voice at your life. You can't fuck, you can't feel guilty for that. They've, they, they, they know the deal. And they, and they, and they, they were great with it. It was just, it just get annoying when it keeps coming back. And then it keeps coming back. And then finally, you know, when, and I'm fucking snorkeling

and shit, I'm getting emails. So I just said, let them, let my manager like, let them deal with it. And finally it came back. That reminds me, like, when I go to deeporkeling and shit, I'm getting emails, so I just said, let my manager like touch them deal with it. And finally it came back. That reminds me, like, when I go to deepdiscount.com, it's, it's, hee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e Have you been to Deep Discount? One of my favorite sponsors, deepdiscount.com. The whole entire site is on sale, all right? I actually got, scroll down a little bit.

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Get a jump on your holiday shopping's now for the kids. Spongebob, superhero movies, and loads of chick flicks too. Is that can we say that? Broad flicks, chick flicks. Pretty soon it's gonna be a lovely woman. Um, for the ladies in your life right now. Of course, be good to yourself. Grab a few of your favorites.

You can go there, Versi, go to deep discount. What's your favorite movie, Versi? Right now, off this right here, you know what I would pick? I'd pick the Spider-Man one. Scroll up, scroll up. Scroll up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the day, I'll never see that movie again. That very rarely would be on TV. Unless you go to deepdiscount.com, see that young buck. These guys know how to brand. Then how to do it. I got these two old guys just staring up like fucking guys. I'm a baby driver. I want to see that movie.

I do. Yeah. I definitely love to see that movie. I mean, I'm in my 30s. You're in your 30s, but you're looking up like your guys are at an no folks on what's on television. I don't know because I don't know a lot of those speak speak. I don't. Popcorn. I don't fucking know popcorn.

Where's popcorn? This is what happens when your parents aren't your best friends. Where's popcorn? Popcorn. But last movie on the right. Oh, yeah, see, I don't know what that movie is either, but Dracula, Bram Stroker, that's a great fucking movie. Was that good? It was great movie. You never saw it. No, no, no. Dude, go to deepdiscount.com. I will.

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uh... great show we're not wrapping up by the way so before you click off you got your special right now can we just go to his website uh... jay larcen dot com get his special it's available now j we did a show last year together at the uh... at the the God, at the God in which I'm doing again this year. Yeah. Um, last year I had to close it, which was a fucking woof. I was a train wrecked.

I was at woof woof. Uh, well, that was last year when Ron Wanda, I heard you fucking crushed it. Well, he did. I heard you fucking crushed. Oh, that was when Wanda, that was like right after. Yeah, bring it up. Wanda. Uh, yeah.

Yeah. I heard about that. And then DiPolo and after. Wanda Sykes went up on the comics come home last year. And she went up, she had a Trump joke. It was, if you listen to the fucking joke, it was a joke. She wasn't going up, you know, fuck, you know, fuck Trump, fuck that, fuck who people vote.

She had a joke about, but it's Boston. You know, it's a blue-collar town. Yeah, this year, it's crazy. Lenny Clock of course, stop right there. Jimmy Fallon's on it. Jared Fried, the J-Train, L'Harell, Howerly. I don't know him, but I heard good things. L'Harell, is that his name?

He's funny. He's funny. And Jeff Ross, myself and Craig Ferguson. And Gaffigan. Gaffigan, I think Craig Ferguson and Gaffigan. Gaffigan, I think, I think, I think Gaffigan is out. I think he built a monster show. It's a monster show. But last year we did it, it was a, it's always a,

it's fucking always a monster show. It's never not been a fucking ridiculous lineup. But now they do it in front of 17,000 people at the Boston Garden. Yeah. Last year, I wanted a psych, type in one to psych, comics come home on YouTube. It was crazy. She would have did a joke, the fucking crowd turned on her,

because it was just after he won, people still like, what the fuck? People who voted for him were getting pissed, that they were getting shit on because they voted. Uh, it was a crazy night. Oh man, look at the first thing says unfunny comedian. Well, you know what? I will say it because I, there's, I think there's two different angles to it.

Yeah. She, it wasn't developed material for her. She was still like working on it. It just happened. So it wasn't like, it wasn't like this. Yeah. One, two, she's a black female lesbian. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Nothing that fits what she is is coming from this new president. So she was like torn and trying to figure it out. That being said, she- Hang on one second, Michael. Bring up the top video, pull it up, make it big, and get it ready to go. Thanks. Let's try to find one of the ones.

That really shows. Just make it big yet. Just two seconds left. I want to play the whole thing, buddy. Just, yeah, make it big and bring it back and Yeah, volume up first who the fuck was backstage that leaked that volume up first, please Dude I don't know

Shit one is roaring shit like that angry man fucking carry somebody around yeah that she was working right sure that you taking the video you this is your fault yeah that she was working. Right. Right. Yeah, she was working some shit out because it just happened. Yeah, she was just working. And that's not the crowd. You don't work shit out in front of 70,000 people who came for a charity event because you're not that's not your crowd. That's every this, this, you know, there's all these people are coming for different people. It's also like if keep it up I don't want to let's just say let's just say 20% of Boston voted for Trump. Right. Yeah, let's say it's 2020 Yeah, if you did a room at like the improv and it's 400 people that would have been 80 people right here

It's 16,000 so 20% is 3200 people. That's allowed out of a voice of people because they were they were vocal. Well, she would have. Yeah, they were real vocal. They started to. So then I'm like, oh, shit. And I didn't know what's happening except my kid was leaving right at that point. I was getting max. He was too tired getting max and Don in the car to get him the fuck home, you know, back to the hotel. And I'm like, oh, shit, what's going on? I come back and that happens. The Apollo goes out right after Nick the Apollo at comics come home Can I tell you one of the funniest things I don't want to say good

My god, I was standing right because I went first. I went first. So I had like Nick the pop D. I Yeah, this is dick it college come home I mean, look top what I think it is. Right? Come on. No. Yeah. Anyways, he comes out. He's like, I came out hot. Dude, he came out hot. But no, but he made a gorilla joke. He did know he did. What did a gorilla joke? A gorilla joke? No, what was the gorilla? It was along the lines of I I don't want to you know I don't you don't want to say it's that bad. I yeah, that's just not something

I would say and I don't want to put something else that okay, you know If it's out online and people see it it's out there, but that I remember because I was right there and I was sitting next to Burr and Burgess looks me as I can tell you fucking lost kind of in the way you went up tonight Tell you that right now It's all here's a thing. He went after the bird has to go up after Nick. So he's gonna go after that Bullshit. But I'm gonna go up after the fucking bird. Yeah, so not only now here's the here's the hell gig for me Ready that happens with Wanda Nick goes up that happens to Nick have to crowd turns on her have to crowd turns on him Now I got the number one comic in the fucking world. Yeah. Goes up and handles the whole situation within fucking two.

Boom. Now I gotta go up after burr. So hey, the number one is one of the fucking funniest guys walking the earth right now. And then they bring me up. I think he said I was a good actor. You crushed. I had no fucking choice. Yeah, why did you crush? I would have fucking literally solved all, no one would have talked about the, uh, the Wanda ordnick.

It would have been me, the last guy, uh, actually put all the fire out with his jokes. And they boot the hell out of, uh, Dennis when he went up after Wanda, because he like, yeah, because he went up and goes, Hey, guys, you know, take it easy. It's a charity event. She flew out here all the way and they're booing him. He goes, you know what? Fuck you guys. The host. I mean, it was like a, it was a, yeah, that's not going to happen this year. No, I can't see that. Not going to happen this year, but yeah, pretty crazy. So this year, I'm excited about the lineup. It's going to be great. I'm nervous, though, because I don't want to fucking they only said dude I'm in that spot as a comic have Kelly close because I can do it. Yeah How about the guy who's a millionaire let them fucking close? I'm with a guy that has 10 million views every night on TV

Jesus Christ well he goes up in the middle. They always do a song. I get that but look You know, I mean let fucking Jared close it But look, you know, I mean, that fucking Jared close it. He's a hammer. Yeah, it's sick. Right? Rich Vos is famous. You know, should... Jeff Ross do, man.

Jeff Ross is great too, man. He's great as well. I said Rich Vos, everybody went, no, he's not. I thought you just saw the hat. Yeah, Jeff Ross can close it. Craig Ferguson should close that show. I should go up after Jeff Ross. That's where I should go. Jared should go up first. Lenny Clark, then LaRelle, then Jimmy, sorry to. Then Jeff, then me, then Craig. That's the list. That's a lineup. That's a lineup. Yeah, that's a good lineup. But you know, Bobby, you go up.

Boy. No, because no one wants to go up last day. Once people get famous, they get scared. Yeah. Once they get famous, they don't want to fucking ever be in a situation of fear, because they can just say, I'm not, I'll go on. How long has everybody set? Fucking ten minutes, I guess.

Ten or twelve. But here's the problem last year. I was working on new stuff and I wanted, because I panicked. So I did a bunch of new shit that wasn't panned out. So all that stuff is panned out this year which I could roll in and do all this stuff. But I can't because I did it last year.

So I'm gonna have to figure out a whole fucking new set. Motherfucker. But if they don't put me, maybe it's bombing. Dude, I've been eating my dick lately ever since the special and then I did the fucking the Kevin Hartz company owns your shit for two years at JFL. So I did the hour and then I did his fucking thing and I'm just fucking going out there like this is this might go bad every night.

Every fucking night. It's kind of fun to be in that uncharted, you know, you're super fun. It's, you're just like, once that hour comes out, then you start doing again, because they're going to want to see you. Yeah. Yeah. And somebody goes, why don't you start doing it now still, because the hour's not out yet.

And I'm like, yeah, but I kind of don't want to be there because I don't want, I mean, so what do you do? So here's a question. Here's a comedy question, because I remember when David tell did his HBO special I feel so bad. We haven't even talked to him No, I'm enjoying it. I'm having fun. No, you're one of my favorite new guys Oh, the one of the favorite things when I have when I met him the first thing that happened when I met him I kept the I was going into New York just popping into New York and I always saw him there

Right, and it was my whole club. I just always I was just popping because I had I hadn't met I didn't meet like Emilio and I didn't know and Yannis and Pete Dave, they're like, oh, you should meet this guy. This is a wild go. And every time I would just even be around there to meet them, I would see him. And one time I just go, dude, you are always here

and he just like nervous, he go from there. Yeah, I know I'm leaving. Oh, shit. I got really embarrassed and I crumble those like that. Because I know I'm leaving now. I'm going to do it. You're supposed to do your home. You don't have to fucking leave.

Paul almost made me leave. But real quick, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, so I didn't, so I remember when I got my website. When David Telle did his HBO special and then I worked with him out in Raleigh, right? This is whatever, seven years ago and then he did a, so what do you do? When you do a special, right? This is whatever, seven, eight years ago. And then he did a piece. So what do you do? When you do a special, right? Are you gonna do, if they just saw it,

do they wanna come out and see that shit? Or do they, or, cause I would imagine you would do as least amount of that as possible. I go calling Quinn's route. Now you got Louis or Billy who say, I dump it all and I start fresh, right? But I don't think when you're at a point where you're still not selling out the fucking venue,

like, you know what I mean? When you're selling out a club or a theater, it's different. You can go up and talk about your fucking, you know, bottom of your flip flop for 10, 20 minutes. Like, well, it's genius. He's fucking, did you hear the flip flop, gok? You know what I mean?

They give you that 20 minutes of fucking hey. But I think that if I think you should go to the, you should, you can open up with what you got to open up with and close what you got to close with. But in the middle you should be fucking around with new stuff. And if you lose them because it's a new joke, you can always go back to another joke that works,

get them back because you have a job to do. You can't just go bomb at Fucking clubs at a paying you money to come in because they're gonna be like last time he was here He's fucking bomb. They don't give a fuck about your new hour. They care about Damn seeing you going that guy's funny bring him here pay him this bring the crowd in you got to see this guy That's what the club is doing. So I think that Colin has the right thing, where you have some older stuff, you know, you're from the last town that you might, you might open up with a new joke

and then go to some older stuff, you fill in the gaps, right? Right. But, you know, that's what I'm doing, I'm filling the gap. But I also do, like the pussy cat now, it gives away hours. I've been going up there, once or twice a week, having the hour, bringing in a couple of people, I'm gonna have you come in and do a spot. I'm gonna be great, dude. want to twice a week, having the hour,

bringing in a couple of people. I'm gonna have you come in and do a spa tour. Not me, right, dude? Yeah, I let the people do 10 minutes and then I do an hour and they know that I'm fucking working. When they know you're working and they didn't pay that much, they don't give a fuck.

I did a whole new 35 minutes last week. That was great. That wasn't in my new hour. Like I have a new hour. This is a whole new like 35 minutes that I worked in last week that was wasn't in my new hour like I have a new hour This a whole new like 35 minutes that I worked in last week. I feel like though It's out of your heart when you really you know after I did it that night you saw me do it a lot of it Was out of my heart like I was fucking my agent had me doing it so many times to the point where I'm like I can't wait for this to fucking be done and when you go in there

They sense it crowd sense is it when you don't. Like certain jokes I love because I added to it, but when you're fucking done with a bit, you're done with a bit, man. Yeah. I gotta say something real quick. This week, Saratoga got switched out of the 27th. My dates, October 27th, I'm at the comedy work Saratoga. I was supposed to be in Vermont, not happening canceled.

I don't know what happened. So I'm in Saratoga at the comedy works, which I love that club. Have you worked that club? Yeah. Big Tommy. I just talked to him tonight. Yeah great guy and I'm also at the co co co hose Music hall in co hose, New York What are you laughing at? Just you just struggling to say co hose is hilarious. All right I mean, I'm gonna fucking yeah, Morty's yeah, Morty's I never played that

Is it got? I'm gonna fucking Morty's yeah, Morty's I never played that is it good? I know you know, I got a you know my you know my experience with Morty's I do I got a fucking bottle thrown at my head in the front row. What you remember what not not at the not at the new location I'll tell the story I get a fuck yeah, don't I don't carry the They they they they you know have a book me nothing really bad to say because I like the owners I'm talking about it. I'll tell the story, I'm gonna fuck. Yeah, don't, I don't care either. I'm gonna get it. They, they, they, you know, have a book me nothing really bad to say because I like the owners. I just thought I'd be back. What happened was one night I was,

it was when I was working my album. Yeah. In 15, I was working my album and there was a snow storm and I didn't know if people were gonna come and sure enough, there was, it was a blizzard. And I'm going, is this over? Like, no, we never canceled. I'm like, it's a fucking blizzard out here.

Never canceled, so there's, there was a blizzard. And I'm going, this over like, now we never canceled, I'm like, it's a fucking blizzard out here. Never canceled, so there's, there was a guest spot. There was somebody that asked if they could do, you remember wrong, Miss Pat, you know, Miss Pat. Yeah. So Miss Pat was like, I'm, you know, they're letting me do my three minutes for last comic standing, I said, sure.

Then a guest spot, then somebody who was a sponsor of my podcast came out and he's a comic. So I said, you wanna do five minutes and then a fucking, you know, in host statistics, so there's about six comics going up. You know, they're going quick and from fucking minute one, there's a big dude sitting there. He's going, yeah, my fucking just doing this and I'm looking over and I'm like,

you know, this is early. This is going to be a problem for me, you know, and I'm watching and he's drinking and he's drinking and they see these drinking and one of the owners was there. One wasn't. So fast forward. I'm on stage. I'm four and he's drinking and he's drinking and they see he's drinking and one of the owners was there one wasn't So fast forward on my stage I'm four or five minutes in and I was talking about the weather just doing getting my thing getting laughs It was going good and he said something we start going back and forth and I go Why did you guys bring him and it got bad and I you know what and I maybe twice in my career?

Fuck him. I go he's a cancer and he needs to be cut out early. And I go, get him the fuck out, get him out. And I told him, I said to the owner, I said, look, this guy's gonna go, if it, and he was fine and then he just started, yeah, I was just that. And I go, get him the fuck out, he's a kid, he just starts getting up, he's in front row. He's 10 yards from me, not even.

And he just getting up and I see him getting up. And son, I see him grab his Miller light bottle and I'm like, is this what the fuck are doing? What I, I kinda saw a silhouette. And he's like, yeah, I'm like is this motherfucker doing what I kind of saw a silhouette And yeah, I'm a fucking cancer and like you know I fucking heard him what what I said in his car and he fucking just winds up and Randy Johnson's a Miller light bottle By my fucking like and I felt the wind and I just went like that and the heel of it stuck It didn't the heel of it went into the wall a little bit and knocked it part of the sign down and it came down

I remember doing over an hour after that and he got out. They actually was assault. So they tried to keep them and Morty's was obviously on my side and all that shit. But you know, whatever. I'm not going to bad mouth them should happen and I you know, and then I've never been back. And then they had a new. That was old.

That was old. Yeah. They left. That was a mean. So. And comedians were like, come in, you know, some comedians, I'm not going to mention names,

we're like, you know, fuck that place, they should have protected. And I was just, I even called them off. I was like, no, man, whatever. It shit happens. And I wanted to go back, but after that incident, I never, then they had a new room

and that was told I'll be back and I'll never, I was never back. So, well, I'm going to say, man, November 2nd through the 4th, I was going to say, the board is coming, you're right, and hopefully I don't have these problems. man. Uh, November 2nd through the 4th, I was doing a Morty's comedy joint in theapolis. And hopefully I don't have these problems. And then I'm at the comedy connection on

Ireland. Uh, I'm all over the fucking place. Sandy Ago. I'm coming everywhere. Comics come home, of course, on the, uh, I can't, I don't know what I am. Come on. Come on. Go back up, go back, go back, go back. Please, Michael, please, I love you. Please, I really like you. We're great. Great. Great. Comedy comics come home. There we go. Yeah. 19th, the 18th. I'm a, I love that I'm at the comic connection such a great room. Comedy connections, great rooms. Great dudes. But they got me, didn't they get me for that fucking other shit room On Sunday

They got me at that fucking in in in Western mass. I heard that that's new, right? Yeah I've I've saw a lot of good names going through there. Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, maybe it's good Anyways, go to my website for all my dates Thank you for all the fans that came out this so many fans, I just did the show and this weekend and last weekend before that I was at Tacoma, the great club. Tacoma, Washington, Tacoma Comedy Club. Had a great, greatest green remember I've ever been in. Greatest hotel, cool little town.

Really? Yeah, great club. Adam's a great guy. I kind of had some fucking lady in the front row. The last great shows, every, every show fucking last show sat any night front row. Nope, nope, kind of milfee broad. Milfee lady with their fucking milfee daughter, definitely alcoholics, smoke cigarettes the whole that bloody it milfee daughter. Milfee daughter, they're all, they're kind of mid century, you know what I mean? They were kind of contemporary. But yeah, fucking wouldn't shut the fuck up.

Sock to put me on tilt because I didn't go, you know what? Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. Get them out. I didn't do what you did. I was like, you know what? Hey, you know what? I did what, you know, maybe you would do it. Maybe you would do it. I just like, hey, I'm, you do you want them out? You can tell with it. I'm not gonna do it because I'm trying not to flip out anymore. I'm trying to be nice to people and I'm like You know what you deal with it, but it was in my head the whole time It can just hear it's not worse now and it's sad. I'm like don't don't don't you let them deal with it Let them deal with it

And now am I fucking say something you fuck fuck fuck fuck I'm having a fucking war in my head. Yeah, it's the world Put me on tilt. I forgot I bought up doing a joke for my first album that I didn't know where it was. What are you guys doing? I was like, you guys have a finger-fucking-girl? What are you talking about? I was banging this chick. When I bang anybody, I married fun.

It was awful. I felt so mad, but Adam took care of it. Anyways, bring up this little young man's website. I feel bad when he talked to you the whole show. No, it's okay. I like being kind of like just trying to get shit in. I did give you the half of that match. You're hair.

Yeah, the red. It looks like you have sideburns. I don't know if I'm blonde or if I'm a ginger. You're in between. Okay. You just got 40 pounds ago. You stick up for people. You love the, you don't like people getting picked on, do you?

I like that. I'm just trying to make a safe environment, you know? You are. I think that's going to be a good thing here. Sure. I think so, right? Yeah, I think that's balance. We need a safe environment.

But you're not going to like try to fucking sue me, right? Like, maybe. Yeah. She's got to go. Paul. Paul. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Can't be some fucking hippie broad. She called me broad. What? What? No boy. Um, where you prefer?

I love New York comedy club, by the way. Yeah, it's great. It's got a new room. He's got, he's opening up other rooms all over the place. Have you played a New York? Not for ages, man. Dude, it's fucking different. Yeah, I'm sure.

It's so different. I went over, every saying, it's one of the best clubs in the city Best Club of City you're gonna love it because I work the seller all the time Yeah, and I went over there and it was fucking insane They really took care of that room So it's like I interned there when Al Martin owned it Yeah, and there was like knife like cuts on the walls and shit and like they didn't give a fuck if Like people had a bedtime so they're like get the fuck out of here like they this is like they really improved it a fuck if, like, people had a bedtime. So they're like, get the fuck out of here.

Like, this is like, they really improved it. And only like two years, too. I like the nose. And nice cuts. How old is that? What the fuck? They're like cuts in the wall. And I asked them, I'm like, what is that about?

They're like, oh, yeah, some, like, this was when Al Martin are there, like, yeah, somebody like had a knife in here, cut, cut up the wall, like, try to start a fight with people. And I was like, seed, somebody had a knife in here, cut up the wall, like try to start a fire of people. And I was like, seating people and shit's on like, okay, well, you know, how many people in your party? And he's gonna cut the wall with knives. Yeah, I'm staying at the door, like feeling them up and like, trying to get them to feel the knife or anything in them.

Upcoming shows, man, you're at New York Comedy Club, on the street theater. Well, that's now changed because I did it yes two days ago, and I just went up with Canon to do a podcast or whatever, and the guy that was supposed to go up, but comic didn't find a ride, couldn't find a ride. He just like flubbed.

He was, he said he was like, should I take an Uber up there? I was like, it's like a two and a half hour ride, dude. That's like $300. So I was there I told him I'll switch my spot in December with him and I just did it right who should have done you over the phone That was like a phone conversation And I said dude don't take that I'll bring you out. I have ten days to talk in this whole podcast And then I said dude don't take that I'll bring you out. I have ten years to talk in this whole podcast

But yeah the Paramount theater Well the knife thing did so well I thought I would try another, if you're gonna do knife stuff you can do it. There's a fucking knife. All right, not for nothing. Dude, Brandon's funny man. I know, nice. Funny dude, man. He is a hilarious guy. I'm gonna, I do that show. You're gonna, you should come on.

You should come on too, dude. Wait, which one? What I do at the pussycat. You did it. Oh, I did it one time. It was fun. Yeah, we should do it again. Yeah, that's what I do.

You should do it. I love it. And you'll come on too. I ask Gabby, but she, Gabby, this is what I like about Gabby. She's been doing comedy for like a year. And I said, do you want, would you like to go on the show? Cause I put Mike on last week. And I felt bad.

I didn't put Gabby's community. I was like, you know what? I'm not ready yet. That's smart. I like that. That was my ammo back in the day. I would go near the improv at all. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Want to be prepared, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Want to be prepared, you know? Yeah. That's smart. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that. Oh my God. All right. Listen. We're going to wrap this up. I've been staring at that O'Leave a box like I know. Gabby, what do you got? I'm at Broadway Comedy Club on Halloween. Yes. I'm going to be dressed as a ballerina. Oh God. Yeah. And that's a for October. But check out my website, GabbyBrine.com. You're going to be a ballerina.

Why don't you do something? I'm going to be Beetlejuice on the weekend before. OK, good, OK, good. I like Gabby. Thanks. Even if she can't take a hit. I like that she defends people. She what?

I like that she defends people. I hate that. I hate you. She only defends me, Gabby. OK, OK. Only me. OK, next week, defend me, Gabby. Okay, okay. Only me. Okay, next week I'm on no one's team besides you. Yes, that's it.

Team fucking Bobby. Well, team Bobby, team Bobby, team Bobby, team Bobby, team Bobby, team Bobby, team Bobby, team Bobby, little louder guy. Oh my God. That's my God. It's like the bad news bears at the beginning of the movie. What do you got there, buddy? What am I fucking paying on my list?

Buddy, we already, we're going back to you. Joking. Oh, didn't we do? There was a fucking, that's a line from fucking good fellows. We're going back. What do you got? Spider.

The fuck? Spider. Let Mike have a plot. Okay, I'm sorry, Mike. I'll be featuring at laugh out loud near years week with Antonio Texas with Willie Barcena. Jesus Christ. You know, but something keeps going out of my mic. My head pounds. That's why I'm sorry. Anyway, I'll also be featuring at the end-profits Antonio next month. I don't know with who yet. Okay. Where's you? Are you from out there? Are you from San

I know? Yeah, we met. I met him. You hung out with him at that time at that was at L.O.L. Bar there too. That first time we met was River Center. Yeah, the river center. That was a fucking. Yeah, there's a fucking meant the world to him. You know, remember, a couple times. He's from there. That's where you only met him.

But I've seen I saw you here before, right? Yeah, yeah, like to like him. Yeah, like I've seen him. Yeah, I see a couple of times. Yeah, you go you're asking the question, but you're going you answer it. You see I've seen you before, right? Yeah, you're like, yeah, I get that. You know that.

It's good. It's like he's yes, Andy. Yeah, I'm putting the photo first. He's website. Now you know what I don't know if all the dates are on here, but you can why go to show what a great head shot. You look what, I don't know if all the dates are on here, but you can try, go to show. What a great head shot. Are you looking at fucking wall bars? The stand.

I also plug my back. Patrick, I got a love Patrick in the stand. You're going to give them. Do you podcast? It's a stupid little podcast. Our night tunes and everything. Is that the name of the day? Yeah, it's called the stupid little podcast.

I think I'm a thrope. I got to get back in the staff. Where's his shows? Can you click on his shows for the love of God? Not loading. Yeah. It's not loading. I could tell you sure.

Are you clicking on it? Scroll down. You can hear it. Scroll down. It's not moving right now. It's the internet being weird. At where are you going to be? This this weekend, Thursday, I'll be at the tempi.

I'm at the for all things comedy festival in Phoenix. Right. I will be at the tempi improv Thursday night. Doing our Shaffir's podcast that night.. Friday I'll be doing my podcast during the day and I'll be at stand-up live that night and then I fly back Saturday and I'll be at Lathit up in Pekipsi Saturday night. So Thursday Tempe, Friday stand-up live in Phoenix and then I'll be at Empakipsi on Saturday night, the 28th. Great, great festival. I'm so excited for those.

I love those guys. Al, Bill, fucking great network, really do. And what a cool, an insane festival. It's gonna be dope on their Thursday. Or, yeah, Friday, Friday. Oh, cool, cause everybody like that I'm cool with on the network, they're all coming in Saturday. And I have to leave Saturday too, yeah.

Okay, but you'll be in on Friday. Going in Friday, yeah. I'm like, you drink, you drink or not. Yeah, you smoke, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, fuck you smoke So guys yeah, yeah, what's smoke with us? I would love to but now I'm about to miss my second Sparta, the night. All right, let's go. What do you got? That the new guy all right, listen, what do we have a book that we were supposed to reach It out of at the end. Oh, yeah, oh God. I gotta miss this I think. Yeah, please buddy take off. I got it. I got it. Hey buddy, you gotta go. I'll see you later. He's amazing. We love that.

Hey Jay nice to meet you. You got it anytime buddy. Thanks for coming in Jay. I'll see you next time. All right. Bye buddy. Six bucks. Yeah. What did you say? Buy a special, it's only six bucks. Six bucks. Go to go to his website. Well go to jlossin.com. Go to his website. Buy it. Spend the money. You'd buy a cup of coffee, something at Starbucks. That's it.

And you're supporting live comedy. Go there right now and buy it. Right when you listen to the show, right when you've done go and buy this album. Five bucks. Click on it. And then go buy my album. I know. So five bucks to deepd and then go buy my album so far

deepdiscount.com not yet what do you got back really okay subscribe and like our YouTube channel yes make sure you're watching this hit the subscribe button like it these fucking ridiculous let me tell you something I want to say this podcast is so fucking dope that everywhere I go yeah people like dude, I heard John Bobby's podcast. It's so fucking fun. It's so great. And um, you know I honestly have the most fun. I do a lot of you know podcast and I like to not do that many because I have one Yeah, but there's some that you just are like I fuck it's just too much fucking fun, and this is one of my Oh, ho ho dudes

Check it out we should update that there yeah just play it now because now I want to know what it is make it big always what's the rule with the videos oh make it automatically oh yeah click it there we go here we go Chris scope a Joe list Lewis Gomez, Tim Dillon, myself, Deepal Lauren, and a bunch of other people. It's going up on the YKWB proof. We need to get rid of that. We need to get rid of that, Jack.

We need to make a new one. Fuck me. Check out our Facebook page on Twitter. We're at YKWD podcast and on Instagram where YKWD podcast for daily photos. Yes. So fun. Yeah, Mike is kicking it on the social media this week.

Mike, you're doing a great job. Oh, no problem. Really great job. So, yeah, actually, it's YKWD podcast. I think that's the old. Oh, this is wrong. Well, update that. Yeah, cause the old Instagram, I don't know.

I fucked up. I tried to sign in from somewhere and it didn't let me, and it locked me out and then they would, the Instagrams that go fuck yourself, make me one. So think of that as like the classic Instagram and the new one as the one to go to now for everything new. Yes, so. And then if you were at the shows with Bobby

these last couple of weeks, took a picture, tag him on there, tag that's on there. Yeah, put the pictures up, stop fucking hoarding your pictures. I take photos after every show. I tweet them. Put them out there. Tag YKWD on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram. Me and Michael Grabnam will retweet them, like them.

And that's how this shit works. Support the show by doing that. You see me, all any of these guys that shows, tell them you heard them on the YKWD. Take a photo, put it up. Let's get this shit going. Social media. Mike is kicking in. Abby, what else? You want to be a member? Gabby? I'll be here in the G-Back. You were in the G-Back. I think so. Okay. Gabby, go piss, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, you don't need to tell me, dude. Just go piss.

Yeah, we know what happens with this. All right, just leave. We'll get it. We'll get it. We'll get it. We know what happens. Thanks. You're doing it, dude. All right, just leave. We'll get it. There's he, we'll get it. Spectrically, so. We'll get it. We'll get it. What do you get, Cap? If you want to come see a show, are we doing that?

Live here. Yeah, if you want to come see, will I KWD producer at Riot Cast.com? Next week we're doing two shows. Email us. You could sit on our couch and hang out. Yeah, so that's Monday. Monday night we're doing two shows live.

You want to come down three o'clock and six o'clock. So, what's the address? Email you where? YKWD producer at riotcast.com. Yep, that's all you got to do. And then what else? If you want to mail something to us, it's 117 McDougal Street. New York, New York. Uh, one zero, zero one two. There you go. All right, guys, uh, you guys, what do you got? Zach, can anything still Zach, the new guy, the man, Zach, he's kicking it. Zach's the best. Don't you love Zach?

Uh, you guys are kicking it. I think we worked shit out this week. We know we're at, right? I'm excited for the future of you guys. Do you think so? Yeah, I think it's a good team. This is a good team I think so too. You want to be part of the team? I'll just see you guys later You've been listening to the YKWD podcast Thanks for listening Now go back to your shitty jobs y los que han visto, el YKWD Podcast. Gracias por escuchar. Ahora, dígate a tu chile de trabajo.

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