Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Hack People To Death

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

Aaron Berg subs in while Bobby’s out of town! Mike Cannon and Katie Hannigan are also in studio for therapy choices and why we need new words! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude, on the riotcast network, riotcast.com. Hey, what's going on? You know what, dude, fans, this is, I know you want to go right to the video, but that's not going to happen. So I've asked you help before and I'm asking for it again. I've asked for it with GoFundMe for people's medical bills and Christmas time for the children's hospital and the toy drives.

And you guys have always come through. You're the most generous fans I know. You're unbelievable. And I thank you for that. But I need you to help me once again. My sister, Lisa, has kidney disease. She's had it most of her life. Around 20 years ago, she got a kidney transplant and it saved her life.

But those organs only last for around 16 years. In 2016, that kidney started to fail. And she had to go back on dialysis four times a week. That's where they suck all her blood out, filter it and put it back in her body. It takes around three hours, three to four hours. They have to stick it. It's just, it's awful. She can't go anywhere because she has to be on dialysis. A flu could take her out. Her immune system is so low that she has to just survive.

And there's no way to live. And you can help. If you could go to leaseskidney.com and just read about it. And then maybe click on the link and if you might be able to fill out the form and see if you could be a donor, that would be great. I know it's huge. Do you want me to give you a kidney?

Cause I like your podcast. No, I get it. If you don't want to do it, I get it. I understand. But if you could, there's thousands of people that listen to this podcast, there's thousands of people on my social media, there's thousands of people that have seen me over the years and like my comedy. So maybe just one of you could do it. That would save my sister's life. So please, if you just even passed this on, if you push 15 seconds, I get it. I understand.

If you already saw this commercial I put in front of you, I'm not doing okay. You know, I get it. Move on, go to the show, enjoy yourself. But if you can, please again, leasescanneed.com, go there, fill it out, see if you can be a donor or pass it on. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to this. And maybe one of you can help my sister live a healthy, happy life. And that's it. Thanks. Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth.

This is going to be a cost-defying podcast. It's no rules. Look at the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already This is gonna be a claustrophile. It's black-ass, it's no rules. Look at the mic-ass hole. I'm sure I've already said, should I regret it? Can I get a microphone? No! What the fuck?

That was trying to keep it like a comic-head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and eating. And sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's 10-no-topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin. That's how it all holds her.

That's how it all holds her. That's how it all holds her. I don't wanna do anything. My podcast is popular enough where I might affect somebody's life. You never know. It's Robert Kelly's You Know What To Podcast on flyacast.com. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Hey, what's up everybody? How are ya? It's Eric Berg, Philanif Arabekele, is it Boston, Indian Bean Count,

Subbs with his family? It's gonna be a great show. It's gonna be a shit kicker, holy shit, what a beautiful day in New York City. My nuts are stuck to my undercarriage. Beautiful! My God, welcome everybody. See you, Gabby, see here. I told her I want.

I'm going to talk normally now. I want it. I go to want a hot coffee. She goes, do you want a nice coffee and I go hot and she thought I meant hot like that's sexy. So I mean, I speak. That is how I speak. And I won't drink. I won't drink a nice coffee. I've never had one nor will I ever. So thank you for going and getting me a coffee. I'm Gaston today for Bobby Kelly. We'll get to our guests in a second. I want to start the show off with a banger with a quote. I'm reading the Greg Joraldo book right now. If you guys don't know who he is, he is a fantastic news anchor. You can see him all the time of Fox. He had his own show where he would go in a bank vaults and stuff like that. I'm a big comedy afic Not a great. You're all though. One of the most brilliant comics of our generation

inevitably did not go down masturbating in front of women, but instead drugs took his life. I want to read a quote to you. Nobody really enjoys this fucking comedy gig. Dude, okay, you have a beautiful family and you never get to see them. You're on the road and you're worried about ticket sales and it's an up and down and you feel good. You feel like shit, you feel good, you feel like shit, you're alone, you can't do anything, you can't have sex with anybody, you can't smoke anything, you can't drink anything, you can't snort anything, you're not supposed to eat shitty because you're going to be on TV. So you got to look good. There's nothing. So you basically have to become some sort of superhero. And how do you deal with that without some type of spirituality or foundation

around you that can help you? You can talk to because we're headline comedians. We're alone. Robert Kelly from the Greg Joraldo book. What a great quote. That is a great quote. He's such a superhero. I'm very excited to be here today.

What, uh, what a great free gig to do. Yeah. You look like a small Robert Kelly. Yeah. I was going to let my belly hang out. You're the middle leg of the Russian doll. Fantastic. Guests today. Absolutely hilarious. One of the funniest women working in New York City comedy, Miss Katie Hanigan. Hi, Katie. How are you? I'm great. I'm great. I just, I'm just a few hours after therapy. So do you go to the same guy that we all go to? No, I go to a Julie. I go to the Julie at the Karen Horn, I click.

So you don't have money. And is she good? Do you like seeing a woman therapist? Yeah, she's pretty good. It's psychoanalysis. So it's not, it's not the same as cognitive behavioral therapy. So it's a lot, it deals mostly with like the subconscious. So it's not like, I don't think it's the same as cognitive behavioral therapy, so it deals mostly with the subconscious. So it's not like, I don't think it's the same,

is what you guys do, where it's like, you talk through stuff, you talk through stuff, like I come to a lot of my own conclusions and she only points out patterns and stuff like that, very subtle stuff. How long have you been going for? Two years. It's working.

Yes, it's working so much. Do you feel less angry? Did you have a big problem with anger? I had a big problem with like self hatred. Yeah. But so I worked through that. What did I do for it? Yeah. I just got, I realized why I have it. And then I just am like, oh, if I find myself falling back into that pattern, I'm like, nice to myself. And I'm loving to myself. That's nice. I've found the source. I didn't fucking introduce you. Yeah. That's what Bobby and then he threw this at you and then he needed back because he'd be sweating.

Absolutely hilarious. I love all over the place. Mr. Mike Can and how are you, Mike? I'm great. I'm a little jarred from that. Yeah, because he was yelling. Yeah, if he was here, probably. That was in character. That was great. Yeah. because he would yell it. Yeah, if he was here probably, that wasn't character. That was great. Yeah. No, I also would have been taken aback by Bobby, for sure. Yeah, where? Yeah, he would have been. He's a really nice guy. He's a presence. He's a presence. Yeah. Now Katie hasn't been here for a while because you bombed last time. No, I think I did. I think I did too well. You remember it. I was here. It doesn't reward. I was here with Joe. Come on. likes to keep people around him that routinely fail so he can feel like the alpha and then constantly

cast stones at his under the way so many good people end up leaving the show And that's why he's got to a certain level of strength. I don't think that's it But I love you Bobby and please have Gabby is just the most durable person on earth. She's super competent and yet can take a fucking beating. I could take a punch if I'm too Jersey Shore. You look like very feminist but not simultaneously. Thank you so much. Do you feel that? I think I feel that and I do look that.

Where your parents like staunch Republicans and they're like, you're a woman, but you're gonna make it in a man's world. You're a woman, but shut the fuck up. Would they say that? No, no, my parents are hippies. Oh, okay. So they let you be whatever you want to be.

Yeah, and here I am. And let you do this. Are you happy? Yeah, thrilled. Every day. Every single day. A blessing. A blessing.

Get out of bed. You're just hyped to get going. Yeah, wow, wow, wow. That's what I said. Gabby, didn't you just have your birthday? I did. Happy birthday. Thanks.

How old are you now? I'm 25. Are you having a quarter-life thing? Are you freaking out? No, I feel good. I feel like an adult. It is also Super fun that women think you're gonna live to a hundred. Yeah Are you having a quarter life thing that came about six years ago? Korea are you gonna live forever? Do they live longer in Korea?

Not North Korea. No. Because they're not the internet. So they don't know how to web them. D-Share like that. They also don't have food. Do you have a boyfriend, Gabby? I don't.

No, girlfriend. No. What's your thing? I'm straight. Like boys. Yes. Very rare nowadays. If you had to pick between him, him and him, which guy would be my soul.

Yeah. Mary Fumpill. Nobody buts on that one. It's awesome. You don't take comics? No. That took a second to set this line there, maybe. Not yet.

Okay. Not yet. Good for you. And where do you live in Brooklyn? By yourself or how many roommates? One roommate. Boy or girl? Gay man no dog no favorite Netflix show Gilmore girls

Yeah, it runs. Yeah, how about the Ted Bundy tapes. That was fun. I love that one. Can't wait to finish it One of those fine listings I put on right before bed. Oh, I was watching it until I stared into his eyes the whole time. He's got crazy eyes. Could you imagine? Did you find him attractive? No, only because his, I mean, when you see him on the tapes, he's in the grips of a mental illness. Yeah.

He is really, I mean, his eyes are so insane. He looked like Lenny Bruce at the end of his career, just reading from his court documents. Yeah, when he was representing himself, I mean, that was, I mean, that was, that was pretty, you're right. It just let me do my bids. That's why I find so attractive about him. I know it's like he's got potential. I think that's sexy. So I would get in as far to help his dog. Yeah, speaking of that's how he would trick people, right? Yeah. Women do live longer in Korea. So, wow. I got some. I got fact check. Headed towards nighty. Very nice. That's so weird that my racism was able to spot that with your face. It's in eight. And it's inside of you at this point. So it's such,

it's like Bruce Lee in terms of his instincts to block a punch. Your racism is so deep in you. It just shoots out without you. It's a, yeah, it's a super power. Can I tell you when I was raised recently? And don't say every day on my show. On my show. I had Monday through Friday. I had this. I had, there was a guy at the gym, like a big black guy.

And he was like, really, really? He's like, yo, I was working here. Like that. And he left towels. And what did you say? What is that the first job you ever had? No. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

sorry. I tried to jump on and support. But then for like an hour, every black person I saw, I wanted to be angry at them because of him. Yeah. But then after that, I saw like Sheriff David Clark on Fox. And I was like, oh, they're not all bad. And I felt better after that.

He's this sheriff that goes on. He's one of those real pandering black guys. It's like, we need more law in this country. But anyway, so I shook my racism. It sounds like you were just racist in a different way. There it is. You're racist. That's an L character. Yeah. Yeah. You've never watched them. I love his, I love his go team. That's all of his smoke every rage. Yeah. Flare for his TGI Friday waiter job. It's none of them are

real like cop things at all. He seems cool. Yeah. Seems like he has some progressive ideas about we. He's a real, he's what Yamaneca would call the C word for black people. They have a word where they call black people that really panned or to the right. And he would call them that they would call them that word. Yeah, you can't say that word either. So he'll always defend the president and stuff like this. I don't watch Fox anymore because my wife doesn't let me because she thought it was making me too angry.

So I don't get to watch any news at all, which means I have to go on Twitter for everything. Yeah, but that's the best because then you can kind of check sources and find your own opinion, right? Can you really check so as a Twitter? I should watch too much news. It'll just drive you insane. I don't watch any. Her dad watches it all the time. I won't shut up.

So whenever I talk to her dad, it's all just about like, uh, they, they're so case, yo courts and doesn't even finance. I think Twitter is, uh, maybe the only kind of healthy medium for information because you can just so quickly see what the opposing views are and then also just find and find journalists that you trust. My only news sources, Dr. Phil, I just watched a show. It's not really news. He just yells at teens, but it's a little round.

Let's news and I don't know. There'd be reruns. I'm not sure, but that's what I've been watching news and I don't know. There could be reruns. I'm not sure. But that's what I've been watching. He's thinking the same team over and over in a mustache. Does he get a percentage of Kash me outside? Probably. Oh, I wonder.

Oh, I bet they had to be. Because she's worth it. No, you're not. I'm sure. You think he manages her or something like that? Well, but his platform was the launch pad for her entire thing. Her catchphrase was created on his show. So does that somehow take ownership of like 10%.

I know that network contracts are pretty slimy, but I don't think they would say like, whatever you say on this show, we own. Like, if you come up with the new cowabunga, it's ours. I mean, picture it, but let's see what Sheriff David Clark had to say about the Trump drink. Okay. Okay. The president was making a joke. A lot of people share, by the way, good to say about the Trump drink. Okay. Okay. The president was making a joke.

A lot of people share, by the way, good to have you on the show. You see the journalist there reporting on it, lots of folks have taken away from the violent gang. They miss shedding and they hacked people to death. Again, a distraction due to what the president said. Hack people to death, Aaron, you know what that's like. Self-local police departments do not like the president. They said in the statement as a department we do not and will not tolerate roughing up

prisoners. That's a picture of him. We have a number of all of our officials not liking the president. They think the president is aware. Do you think it's okay that he made a joke about police brutality? Well, first of all, let's unpack this a little bit. Donald Trump president, Donald Trump would never suggest he would never put up a tolerate, tolerate, unethical or unlawful behavior from any law enforcement officer. What I got out of that, and then I have to suspend my sensibility to think that

he was encouraging that sort of behavior from a law enforcement officer. But when he said, when you see them thrown into the back of a police car or into the back of a padi wagon, you know what that usually means to me? That person is resisting arrest. When that happens, long-forced officers are allowed to use all reasonable force, all reasonable force to get them under control and into custody. So that's what I took out. He's sharing it. It's sort of, well, he looks kind of like the Klingon from Star Trek.

Doesn't he? Doesn't he think? Yeah, minus the furrow for out. I forget what that guy's name. Oh, yeah, this guy. This guy. Whoa, yeah. Yeah, he's got the same facial hair, just a different forehead ridge. Yeah, it is weird. Like I've withdrawn myself so much from the, you know, celebrity gossip portion of politics that like it's still, I just forget that Trump is the president

sometimes. And so because most of the news is nothing, right? It's all just kind of, you know, editorialized and horset and people throwing their opinions back and forth. So whenever something factual comes out, I try to check in with that. But I never remember that he's actually the figurehead of our country. Why is it so seeing it as like, oh, that's weird. What news do you actually trust now?

Like which, what news will you read and just go, oh, this isn't some weird opinionate about that really? Not really. National geographic. I'm not kidding. It's, they had a great article a few years ago that was about climate change. And it was like, because there's such a proliferation

of misinformation all over the internet, you have to have sources that you trust. You have to have sources that are proven to be trustworthy. And that's one where they're like, we pledge that this is a good one. You can, and the whole article is about it, but I mean, I've never had, I don't think, like,

a group of Murdoch by them or something like that. Like somebody that owns one of the major news corporations just bought them. But they, but I mean, they're not like anti-climate change, you know? Right. No, I'm on board with that. I think national geographic is one you can trust. But, but it's also like, I mean, can you trust anything who knows? Because we are in kind of like a dystopia now. Yeah, Foxpot National Geographic. Yeah. There you go. I watched BBC news the other day.

BBC, I think is good. And I was like, they seem trustworthy. And I don't know if it's just the accent, that kind of. It is. It for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do law. You're a bad. It's like David.

Yeah. So good. I really bought them. I can't everything that I watch now. And I don't know if it was the president's intention, but you second guess everything. Like I used to watch CNN. And I was like, Oh, this is a real thing. And now you can't do that.

Even like the New York Times. You don't know because there was a whole, you know, the whole thing. Washington Post too. I think that's important, right? Because you watch the only time I really watch mainstream news on TV, especially at the gym. So I'll just watch and kind of read the subtitles and see two different opposing views on the same subject.

And it's as if we're living in two completely separate dimensions. So you know, there's no, people are debating what's actually happening in front of their faces. So at some point, you got to kind of hear each side out and then come up with your own opinion. Yeah, that's it. Like, like, you have to work at news now. We have to do the job that they used to do, which is we'll take both sides of the story and then figure out what we believe. I think that's also why to continue, we were we'll take both sides of the story and then figure out what we believe. I think that's also why to continue, we were talking about this the other day, Mike and I, why people believe stuff like flat earth, because it's like, well, I don't know if the

news is true. Like, how do I even know if the earth is around? Yeah, you start that and everything. And then you just start looking for whatever supports your bias on the internet and you find it immediately. And you're like, oh, yeah, basketball, he believes in it. Right. And also, well, and also people are desperate to find connection in community. So they, they latch on to stuff like that. Something like flat earth is such an opposing

view that, of course, you know, weirdly, it's a growing community, but it used to be kind of a small sect. And people felt special for being a part of it. So it was their own kind of tangential religion. It was like their open mics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. That's it. It was a hand lens on a Friday. Yeah. I got a ride from a guy while I was out in working at governors and I was with Sean Donnelly and somebody gave us a ride back and he was a flatterer through it. And I was like, wow, I guess that's the price of me keeping my mouth shut. Just getting one ride from Long Island. Did you keep your mouth shut the whole ride? I kept my mouth shut until he criticized one of my jokes.

And then I was like, he said he thinks I could go further with a joke. And I was like, to the edge. But what happens if I run into a two mile high ice wall? Yeah. I don't understand the notion of flat earth. I don't understand how people could think that when we grew up with globes. Yes. But that's part of it.

That's part of the indoctrination. They're trying to convince you from an early age. What's one of your first things that you get as a child? A cushy fucking circular. It's all horseshit. It doesn't. What if I fly up to say me and Lance Bass go into space, right? And I look down from space after eating a slow ass land.

Between second lands, basses tasty, talent and taint. I mean, if you're going to blow a guy, it might as well be. He's sucklant, bats his day as far. Yeah. And even if he wasn't circumcised, he'd pull back. And I'll see what I mean. He's like the male version of Dr. Evil's cat. He's hairless.

Yeah, there'd be, what, oh, who else? The guy from Magic Mike? No, he looks dirty. Channing Tatum? Yeah, he probably had a TNT. But he gets fat in between movies, so I don't know. Maybe that's what we could get him. Extra skin, a lot of extra skin.

Yeah. You don't want to get that stretch. Who else is hot? Bob Sagitt. Yeah. So famously hot. Sure. I'd blow him for my career. Would you really?

For this career that you have right now? No, not for this career. For that for nothing. I basically blow him to have nothing. So what time am I at granted? Bob, if you get me an extra hundred in Skennep today, I don't get booked there anymore. I don't get booked there either anymore. Because you wanted to get paid. Yeah. What was I going to say? You're having a baby, Mike, which is awesome. In July, you're having a boy. I'm having a boy perpetuating the patriarchy. Yeah. Are you so excited?

I am. Yeah. I'm super pumped, man. I'm not going to have a boy. Yeah. You guys could have named it something weird like Clover. No, I mean, it might be a little weird, but it's also because it's my, like, my name, what I want to name him.

And I think I've, uh, I've maybe tipped the scales with her whole family. I'm certainly not going to put it out on this podcast because I just don't wait. So the whole family gets the input on the name or just you in your way. No, no, we only got the input. I put it out there kind of as a complete joke, like kind of test the waters. And everybody was like, I love that. Is it Spider-Man? It is.

It is. It's actually. That's amazing. Spider- We guessed it. It's actually Adam and Shannon. That's amazing. Spider-Man can is. It's actually, that's a weapon. It's a weapon. No space of shit, cannen. You're having a boy.

It's great to have a boy, I think. I have a girl. And I love my daughter so much, but it's not doing that thing. Like Pete Dominick, I'll see you and he's like, are you so much more aware of like women's stuff now? Because you have a daughter? And I'm like, no, like I'm aware of it, but I haven't changed my whole essence because of it. You know, Pete went this whole other way because he has daughters and stuff. So he's like, all the matters are women and

everything. No, fans, but it's like, you know, we don't matter. It hasn't changed. It hasn't changed me like that. And I'll also say this, having a boy, I think you're more fortunate because trolls will be less likely. Like people were going after my daughter. They're like, nice looking son. Oh, I mean, I was like, but I get called everything on Reddit is about my sexuality. So I assume all those jokes are going to be transferred to my kid as well. I really don't care. I would have been happy either way. The one reason why I'm genuinely, and this is almost too serious, genuinely happy that I am having as a son, is so I can be the first cannon in my family to effectively communicate

with my son. Yeah, none of my father didn't communicate with me. His father didn't communicate with him. No line, no lineage, the men have never fucking talked or shared or anything like that. So I'm genuinely excited to be kind of present and, you know, upload my horse shit onto him. A lot of loose cannons. All right. It's wordplay with Katie.

I've down my entire ice coffee and I will not stop. I love it. I love that you're woke enough to know where you think your dad went wrong and where you're not going to go wrong. Yeah, of course. I mean, I also probably the perpetuated Irish physical abuse, like that certainly is on to do with it as well. You're not going to hate your kid. No, I think it's going to take me and whatever I've been through and whatever hallucinogens I've done to make me as aware as I am to stop that line.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, my dad, he meant well and he even said those goals out loud in the beginning and who knows I might fucking shift with things too, but he just lost awareness and just perpetuated the same cycle of bullshit. But I've gone to therapy, you know, and I'm constantly working on myself and trying to better it. Do you feel, because I go, I'm going through this in therapy now where I, they make you question everything about your parents and they'll be like, where your parents weren't good parents.

Right. And I'm always like, justifying like, well, no matter what happened, I ended up where I am. I'm a good person now. I have a great family. I'm a good dad. So even no matter what they did, doesn't that, like the bad stuff gets negated because I turned out positive.

He's like, well, is that really? He's like, you know, well, I think the way my therapist framed it was kind of like, hold them accountable, but also empathize. So understand where, where that came from, where their abuse came from and all that stuff. And it's almost like, this is to a further extent, but it's like Michael Jackson, right?

He was severely abused as a kid, and then he turns into a monster pedophile. So while you empathize with the fact that he was wildly abused and shouldn't have been, you can still hold him accountable for being a pedophile because he was a piece of shit and he made his own decisions. And you can still watch his videos. Of course I can.

And by the way, great name for a band, Monster Pedophile. That's my baby's name, Michael Jackson. Oh, I love it. But yeah, I think that, I mean, you know, it's like what constitutes a perfect childhood? If you, you know, I don't, I think it's impossible to have a perfect childhood and to not be traumatized in childhood. Like I have medical trauma for when I was a baby

that lasted for a long time. And that wasn't even, you know, anything. Well, like my parents spanked me. My parents had issues. Like I definitely had trauma from that, but I had trauma from like all kinds of other stuff. Like when I was four, I ate a fried shrimp. I ate a piece of fried shrimp.

I ate the tail. And I thought I was gonna die, but I was too afraid to tell anyone. And so I just silently spiraled in my own mind, just waiting for my own death. I was worried if I told somebody, then they would be like, fuck, we got to go to the hospital. Now, like you have moments. I had four years old. I had four years old.

And you remember this? I remember it because I had a lot of medical trauma because I had spinal meningitis when I was two. And so I had a lot of, I had to be like force fed medicine. From that, I like had a food aversion. I wouldn't eat anything cherry flavored for years. And I think that like played out in so many different ways. I had like a lot of issues with that as a child. I was afraid of being poisoned constantly.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I mean, it's like, and that's not even my parents fault, you know. So I think like you're I was bitching about my childhood. My dad didn't tell me anything cherry in 54 years. Yeah. I grow up? Indianapolis. So, yeah, I mean, I think it's even if, you know, you are as good of a parent as you possibly can be. You still can't shield your kid from trauma. And also, children have to learn how to deal with that. You know, it's part of being conscious.

Yeah, absolutely. It's just, here's my fear. Is it, and I've only recently become happy literally like in the last maybe four or five years, but before that it was constantly going through struggles. And now you're like, if it takes my kid like 40 some odd years to find happiness, that's not a good thing. But now it's like, you know, I'm going to live to 120. But if you shave time off that, so say she finds happiness at 30, you kind of did your

job. Yeah. Because then her kid could maybe find happiness at 20 and then you know, at lower, you're you're leading a progression as opposed to, you know, perpetuating the bad shit. Yeah. There's, there must be so many bad parents in this world. Like when I watched everybody, I watch the video today. If I can send it to you, it'd be awesome.

But my wife tagged me on it. My wife tags me on Facebook and I so badly want a blocker. Oh, so badly. Because she'll sometimes just fucking pipe up. And I was like, you don't understand the level of awesome trolls that I have. And I don't want her to get dragged into it. Is that how you decided on your child's name?

Can you say, you're always typing up. I'm not. I am. No, I'm all pipers so cute. Yeah, it's really. She's a very cute upper lip. A problem is she has, she's red hair. She's got red lust.

Am I sorry? Yeah, I was saying I was like a little strawberry blonde. Yeah, and I did not expect that, but I'm happy about it because like even if she's beautiful, people still make fun of her for that. So that'll kind of ground her a little bit, you know what I mean? They didn't want to have like some soft more, you know, sorority girl that would just be hot and I'd be worried about that. And my fear is also I'll probably at least violently attack someone if not shoot someone if they break my daughter's heart. Like, I already have that in my mind.

She was like, I'm like, oh, you know what, I'm old enough now, I can get along decent enough in prison. I can go to three to five years, I can do that. But you wanted to get her heart broken though, because she needs to be able to learn to weed out guys. So she's not like married to a guy who's constantly at a show choir camp. She's like, where is Damon?

They're on again. Such specific references. I could never even have heard of show choir camp. I went. Did you really? What's a day in the life of a show choir camp? Well, how old were you first? I went when I was I think 14 or 15 say a little

preform me yeah okay and I actually am not that god of a singer or dancer so I was just like brutally mocking everyone there and so I got like a reputation for being very funny and I was just making fun of everybody and then no one wanted to be my friend I've been given outcast I got I went I hit the top and then I went all the way back down to the bottom. So it was kind of rough. So you went to the camp and I did the unofficial. I sang show tunes for company when they come over as a child. Oh my God. Yeah, it was one of those kids. Like my parents would wheel. Well, first of all, both of my sisters are like musical prodigies, proficient at the piano by the time they were like four years old. And I was some doofus, I could play

sports and kind of hold a tune. And so they'd just wheel me out and like make me sing romantic duets with my sisters. I was like, oh, well, whole new world. I could crush that. What did you say there? Wild. Yeah. With my stuff. Soking about it on the show before. But it's like, yeah, it was a big part of my childhood. When I was little, my aunt, who's eight years older than me, she and I would take my brother. I would be like four or five.

And my brother would be, well, we would, we would play a game we called Midget Daddy. And he would, we would pretend that he was our father. We would pretend that he was our father, but a Midget. And he would be like, eight, two months old. And we'd be like, Dad, what should we do now? Yeah. It was really fun. This is great.

Midget Daddy. Try it. Try it at home. Sounds horrible. So you're saying it'll help weed out the bad guys if she, but it's gonna, it's gonna break because she does this that like when I go, no, you can't do that. She'll do this. Oh, and the

manipulation, but she knows exactly what she's doing. Oh, yeah, of course, babies are quite intelligent, you know, and I hate yelling at it. The video I sent you is an example of a horrible parent. Don't think I just picked it because it was an awesomely racist because it's just going to seem so weird. Now, already have that reputation through our town.

That's weird. Avoid that. That's weird. That's weird. That's weird. That's weird. Why? Just because the place I work at, I mean, Jesus, I make a comedy show. Don't let everybody see your sign.

And by the way, that's probably a whole new thing. someone's acting to your account, but you're not going to have to deal with that with a boy, you're just going to be like, you're going to have to teach a boy. I respect women. I'm going to have to teach him how to also approach life with kind of an open heart, you know, and to communicate and to get through a breakup. I got my wife and I literally dated when we were 10 years old. So I got my heart broken by her when we were like 10 years old, 10, 11 years old. And like, you know, we'd get back together and break up as kids do. But like nobody spoke to me on how to manage those emotions.

I just kind of coped with it. My parents would badmouth her afterwards. Yeah. That's more or less how I dealt with any of it. So, collar a bitch and stuff like when you were young. No, I would just, I wouldn't call her a bitch, but I would like, you know, mock her looks or mock everybody or mock her family. Just like anything to make me feel better, lash out and it's probably what made me funny, but it also didn't help me. Yeah, I think it is amazing to have the

opportunity to teach someone Emotional hygiene because I does something like nobody is really talk growing no one's like hey, you have to process your emotions Yeah, you need it's okay to feel angry, you know, I've never learned anything like that. I mean my family's very Irish You know, so it's like it's the same. It's like yeah, you know, we don't talk about it You just go have a couple fucking drinks and pass. My family expresses one emotion and it's anger. And it's the only emotion that it's okay to express. And you can say whatever you'd like, it's like the purge. And then the excuse is, well, you were angry. But they think that they're being emotionally attached. Of course. Yeah. Because that's all that I had for a while was anger. and now I have choke. I have sad.

I have regret. But it's I've I've broadened it, but it's amazing when you my parents criticize. That's all they do because they're super Jewish. So all they do is criticize. And my therapist that made me ask my dad was proud of yourself into the opposite of a Jew. Our world's into the opposite of a Jew. Our won't be a man inside you. You're the same. You're the same.

No matter how you look, look at your shirt. You say it's dumb. Abba, Ben, Robba. That's my Hebrew name or something like that. It's a mini Jew inside. Yeah. It's my first. Why don't you live for your dirty, Goyal? How's your shicks a wife? Why don't you live more your dirty, goi-um?

How's your shicks a wife? You like having said, oh, look at that Easter ham. You know you want it. I found that my wife sent me this video today and I wanted to show it as an example of really how horrible people can be and to just think that this woman is a mother to a child

and somehow a child will be able to watch this via the internet. Can we go to the old man? Oh my God. Hey, you're gonna go to jail for that. Oh, beautiful. She was using the N word a whole bunch before this too. This sounds like the opioid epidemic. On our property.

There, there is, you know what there's a, there's a, there's a, This sounds like the opioid epidemic on our property Our property you're on our property I Look this kids right there He was There you go. That's it. Stay here. Who's hacking? No, he was cursing her out soon, then. Because you're walking by, we're like a sword. Look, the fingers are calling me. There's what? You can work.

You work on a hitch-puffer to your question, then. I'm going to be pranked. You can pick up all of that fucks upware. Don't agree with someone. Don't do it. Don't do it. What? He's a shit of a person.

She's over here pushing Greg and shit. I'm a six full. Yeah, I'm a six full. This is Easter, by the way. This is Easter. She's over here pushing Greg and shit Look at that and I haven't found a damn A. So I'm around here. Oh. Uh-oh. Hey, you're going to go to jail for that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was hurt to dog too. I swear to God. I swear to God almost to God. It feels like an episode of Reno 911. Yeah.

And like, it looks like a nice neighborhood, right? Like if you lived in New York, you're like, oh, this is a nice neighborhood. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's locked out of here. Yeah, it's locked out of here. It's locked out of here.

Where is it locked? To hear it said with actual NALIS, really, like, yeah, it can be outside the can at home and rock on can. No. Yeah, it's like the canon home and rock and crown. Yeah, it's like really so upsetting to see all these horrible videos of white people like hurling slurs and it's kind of like, you know, that's not normal behavior. Is this this woman having like some kind of like bipolar episode? Yeah. Because like it or is she just like normal in that racist? You know what I mean?

Because like I it's it's just so hard to watch out as a white person and be like really what is she just like normal in that racist? You know what I mean? Because like I it's just so hard to watch out as a white person and be like really what is going on? She's probably just on ambient or like is she or is she like in the grips of you know some I watch I've been watching drugs ink I got in a rabbit hole I watch it like every night now and there's a lot of drugs floating around there. A lot of drugs folks. And they make people real weird. But yeah, I'm gonna say this, drugs are no drugs for people to be assholes like that in front of kids. Yeah, that concerns me.

Honest. Honest, no love. The take-rice came back. By the way, I so close to no problem. I flat out stopped using the N word. I've talked to you about this before. I don't know. I don't even like, bro. I don't, even when I used to do use it like jokingly,

I stopped using it probably a year ago because my friend, Ian Lara, who opens for me, we had a conversation. So I just don't say it anymore. I'll say, oh, when I'm talking about it, she said the N word. That's as hard as I get, but that word is fucking stinging.

Like when you don't say it and you hear it, it's like stings you. And especially with that intent. Like, yeah, I mean, we've hear it in comedy and it kind of, you know, you desensitize to it. You don't hear it that much. But when it's shouted in such a like actual hurtful way, there is something it does to your body that is like.

Yeah, because the intention is dehumanizing. That's like what the root of it is. And it's a painful war and I get how the word faggot could sound this way. Yeah, that's also like really dehumanizing too. So it's like, yeah, I don't think people should say it. You know, I know there was that thing a few years ago where that guy, someone hit a guy on, had to open Mike because he said it in the context of it. But it's like, you know, I loved watching the the Megan Kelly thing when she was talking

about the black face and she had Melissa Rivers on and Melissa Rivers was like, you know, I grew up in a household that was like, we do good manners. So, you know, you have manners. You don't dress up as like a Nazi. If you think that that's going to make someone uncomfortable, I think it's the same with the N word, like have manners enough to respect people and not be triggering them with your dehumanizing language. I know it's like, it's not that big of a deal.

And the thing is, you do have the technical right to say whatever you want, but also just understand that there is what it does to people. And that there may be some genuine physical, you know, repercussions, you know, people throw it on, throw it around online, like it's nothing. And then you go out and perform in front of people in real life and nobody's talking like that. Like nobody's in your audience and like throwing that shit around,

unless they're like, it's huge. It's huge. Yeah. It's saying so much. I'll be on the train. I was like, what, like you get offended, but you can't say anything to these Indians.

Oh, Chinese got a lot of Chinese kids on the end train going out to Bay Ridge. Why is it have to be the end train? I mean, yeah. Well, a lot of layers, a lot of layers here. Yeah, a lot of the trains are in word train. It's a lot to unpack. It's amazing how, and we can say this as three white comics all in their late 40s. But, uh, I'm 25. Thank you. I'm the

same as just Gabby. We're close. There is an evolution happening where it's like as older comics and you're not older, but you're like a vet at this point where you've been doing it. I've been doing stand-up 10 years. 10 years. So there comes this point where I get it where it's like you look at the angry open mic scene and they're like, ah, all these people suck. And you're like, no, we don't suck. But I also want to stand was that that evolution has to happen so that you don't become a dinosaur in comedy. You do have to take what the younger generation is saying and maybe not take all of it on, but you do have to be aware of this stuff. And even if you're audience, even if your audience is buying what you're selling, you still have to go to of this stuff. And even if your audience is buying what you're selling,

you still have to go to New York clubs and be able to communicate with these people. Of course, your audience. Well, I think Metzger is really great about that. And he speaks about it really eloquently because he's like, listen, no matter what your position is like in terms of being sensitive or whatever or PC, I'm still gonna find a way to shove my dumb jokes

down your face. Yeah. So you're, if you're a really good comic, the challenge is to find, to find a way to make it work. Yeah. Right? And so people can be PC, but as a comic, you should almost look at that as a challenge to be like, well, I'm going to make this so fucking creative that you can't, you can't

help but laugh. Yeah. But I also think it's like, it's like a neo fight, like comic move to, to want to do like that shock value of like saying something like that in the first place. You know, that's like people who are, I think, are like a, a little bit younger. And then as you like develop, you're like, oh, I have interests. I have a voice. And then you kind of go more down that path, you know? But also that's, that's like young comic shock

versus old comic shock is because I still, I'll still throw in something that people aren't typically used to hearing, especially in smaller towns. And you throw something out and it's like, it's technically shocking, but I hope I'm masking it in enough creative language that's going to differentiate myself between me and some fucking 18 month comic that's just saying,

and a commentary. And well, I think a lot of you know, because rap is what's for dinner. Yeah. A lot of young comics do that. And it can be like different for different people. But I remember the reason Karin and I had that show, the comedian project, because we both felt like we were like, were you holding for a plus? Thank you. And getting nothing. Just like the show that night. But we had that show because we were like, I felt like I was just, I was doing so many

jokes, man hating jokes, man hating jokes. And I was like, I feel like it's a crush for me. Yeah. And she was like, I feel like I always talk about sex. So we were like, let's do a joke where we don't talk, we don't talk about any of that stuff. And we, so that's the whole thing. That is an interesting thing that's happening is, now, you know, it with the evolution of jokes and the things that you can and people do talk about the popular topics, certain things become hack, right? So like straight white

guy as a punchline, I don't care. It doesn't hurt my feelings. It's hack at this point to just use that. It's like saying anything else. It's like any, it's any other general fucking lazy writing horseshit. Yeah. It's amazing to watch the transition that comedy is going through now where it's like I think as club comics, we saw people maybe four or five years ago that were like, Oh, these aren't very good club comics. And then they surpassed all these club comics and they started getting specials and stuff like that. And to watch them kind of, to watch the balance rise again, just to watch funny be funny. It's an amazing thing. And I'm still shocking on stage, but it's another layer that I add to the rest of my stuff.

So when I say something shocking, it just elevates the left. And I find like the climate now facilitates that and gives it a bigger oomph because when you're not supposed to say something, if you've got something funny and then you throw that thing in, it's another like, oh, he shouldn't say that, but I'm still laughing anyways. It's a really cool thing. It's a great time to be doing comedy, I think. Yeah, it's interesting. That's for sure.

It's not boring. Yeah. I mean, it is, I know it is interesting too, because it's so subjective. So it's like, who knows? Some people that don't like my stuff, they might like something else. And it's hard to say too, because it's like, I watched, you know, I used to watch a ton of comedy. I don't not that much anymore. But some stuff I can't even, like, special, I won't even make it through two minutes. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. Yeah. So manufactured. But like, it's better to do. It's really nice to do comedy live now,

right? When you put stuff out online, it everybody becomes like really courageous. Like I just had, I just had some stupid joke where I'm putting up a clip, a minute long clip a week just to try to like get my shit out there and really, you know, whatever, sell some fucking tickets, right? And I have a joke about my wife's ex boyfriend and then it how it reflects on my insecurity of, you know, sex and all this stuff. And these, these two women were just, they took it to a level where they not only misrepresented the joke, they told me that I was responsible for lynchings. Like so, it's like, it's a lot of fucking wack. It's an odd thing where I'm perpetuating a, a, a, a stereotype that

has over sexualized black men and led to lynchings in the past. So me even referencing it, whether or not I'm being self deprecating is, is, is irrelevant. I'm actually adding to the probability of somebody getting lynched. And it's like, what are we doing here? But social media is a haven for the mentally ill. It's like, you have got to get the fuck off of Twitter. Stop commenting. If you're somebody who just like routinely comments on people's stuff and you don't even ever like put out, you can get off the damn internet.

Go join a club. I've started. Sorry. Go ahead. If you're like thinking that far into jokes, so you're just not a fan of comedy. No. Like it comes down where like everyone's watching stand up right now and maybe you just don't get stand up for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jazz isn't for everybody. Well, that's the problem. Comedy is jazz. Every single person thinks they have a great sense of humor, even the wildly dull and autistic think that they're, they can soak up as much.

They got the best sense of humor. However, because that's how every fucking critique starts, right? Is I, I love comedy. However, what you just said, and it's like, no,, no, you're just a fucking idiot that has an awful sense of humor. Probably left to yourself about some math problem you came up with. And then you know, project that horseshit out into the world and like, it's ridiculous. Yeah, if there's anything I've learned from Twitter, it's like the grasp of an irony of irony is not something that everybody has. No, it is like, I mean, I feel like there's a lot of dyslexia out there.

Yeah, it's like if you read something that is a joke and you don't think it is, you're, you may be kind of retarded in a way. Audio dyslexia. I posted a picture of the British woman that had falsely filed suit against 15 men for raping her. So she said all 15. She slipped up. She filed it wrong.

She said 15's weird. She made a report. None of them had raped her. One guy did two years and nine months in prison. And then it was all a lie. So I put on Instagram, I said, she was a very large woman. So I said, she was sentenced to 10 years in prison. I go, clearly the jury had eyes. Now the joke could be, well, the jury read through everything, sure. But people see it as, you know, the surface is she's a very large woman. So a comic, I'm going to say this very loosely before I get to it. I think she's a much newer comic. She lives in Canada in Halifax which is a lovely city and she

Robert Kelly said and the podcast you're doing. Orbling. I think we settled in. So I said, so this woman wasn't a rape victim. I make this very clear. This is clear in the joke. This woman said, making fun a rape victim is low, dude, and implying mainstream beauty standards mean anything to attack shows your total moron.

I hope you lose your ability to talk so you never spoo your April ignorance into a microphone. I'm circulating this post to all the bookers. I know. This was a young comic that had called for, uh, I, I gathered the censorship of it. So I, I didn't even dignify it with a response. Yeah. And that's my problem is I have to do. I have such fucking rabbit ears and I want to engage because I'm also like pretty progressive. Like, you know, I'm I'm not PC when it comes to what I say on stage. I, you know, I do what I think is funny. I'm not intentionally trying to hurt anybody,

but I'm also not going to quiet down the thing, the thoughts in my head that I find entertaining. But they're fucking losing me. Like when you're so progressive that you're calling me a racist and responsible for lynchings and all this stuff and it's like, it's so upsetting that the that the fucking verbal or the verbal spokespeople of this movement are so mentally ill. You know what I mean? Because the reasonable people, they don't have time. They're living their lives, they're raising their kids, they have jobs. And then they care about social. By example, right?

Exactly. But putting in the practice, what they believe instead of just preaching lip service, I'm more progressive. Like everybody thinks that I'm this weirdo. I believe in guns. I believe in freedom of speech. Thank you, Katie. But other than that, it's like everything else is fair game to me. I have no issue with

gay marriage. I have no issue with do whatever the fuck you want. I have no issue with, you know, getting more people to vote in this. Oh, that's shit. I'm good with. But I'm so liberal now. Like, I saw a guy with a red hat at Forest Hill station and I had to double because it said make America gay again And I was like so triggered by the red hat. I beat the shit out of Look like a guy bashing some like I'm sorry I'm sorry. I thought it was very funny that they have that But I also don't like the people the Jewish guy that had a mega hat on the other day. Someone's like, you're a fucking Nazi. And he took his hat off and he had a Yamakan. That's funny. That's funny. Well, you guys have to fix your settings.

You don't, you have your settings, so you can't get like psycho people. No, no, not not. I do. How do you do that? There's no, no psycho attack me, buddy. Well, if you, if you have somebody who tweets at you that doesn't follow you, you can change the settings so you don't see it. Yeah, but I'm also like this is my problem, right? Is is I am where I am and I'm trying desperately to level up. So I'm constantly trying to generate interest, generate an audience and I'm putting out stuff and I'm trying to interact with them. So they stick around. Yeah. The problem with that is I'm putting out stuff and I'm trying to interact with them so they stick around. The problem with that is I'm also reading every negative thing about me and digitally cutting myself on a daily basis.

Yeah, you can't, that's not emotionally healthy. I just had to say, I don't have time to go through all that. If someone sends me a message, I will usually respond. You do now, you have that time. No, you do. Please, I'm busy, I'm working out. Are you really? No, I was for a while, but I stopped.

I'm going to go back. I haven't expected. You look wonderful, but you couldn't get fat if you tried. Well, I'm trying. I'll tell you the secret. What is it? San Antonio. Eat your feelings.

Yeah. You got to get in. But you feel you feel bad after your feelings, right? Because I do that sometimes. Yeah, I'll eat a whole pizza and I'll be like, oh, that was good. And then I'm like, oh, what did I do? And then you yeah, yeah, that's horrible. Yeah. Chocolate bars, you eat those. No, it's like candy. It's usually it's carbs. What type of candies? It's not candy. You do this carbs. Yeah, I'm gonna say you're like a bread bread guy. Pasta. What I started to do is not eat carbs,

but I'll eat way too much of a wood thing. Yeah. A very wood is pretty good, so you let's go straight. Yeah, sometimes I'll just eat anything. So you need to see some rice spaghetti noodles. My asshole is torn apart. But the other one, asshole, it looks like a plywood shed that got set on fire.

I eat some pages, that's good emotional eating. Just eat a romance novel. My shit does turn into vodka now. I like creamy pastas. Yeah. You know, like with some mushrooms in a maybe risotto. I'll fuck up. Yeah. Pizza. I like steak. I like barbecue. Bagels, you bagels. You want me to say yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to get my hands on a good bullion airstress

a pizza make a dinner for my boyfriend, my Italian lover. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because I live, I moved right by a fresh pasta place. You live in my old neighborhood. Oh, I just moved a bit uptown because I was having a... You're in the city. No, uptown in Queens, yeah. You know what they do? You got to get, you got to get the official sopranos cookbook.

So I love the sopranos. My wife is wildly Italian. Her grandmother is taught her every single recipe. Fantastic cook. And then I brought home that and they have unbelievable recipes. I gotta get it. I have gotta get it. Do it up.

Where can I buy this book? Probably Barnes and Nobles. I'm gonna give it to my stupid wife. Do you have a discount read this week? Oh, we don't. I'm gonna save that. Can I do that? Mike, can I be like my stupid wife. Do you have a discount read this week? Oh, we don't. I'll be love. Can I do that? I can be like, a stupid wife.

I brought you this book. Read it, Carmella. While she cooks it, can I stand over and breathe heavy through my nose and pretend I'm him? With a bowl of ice cream watching the Alport War too. Are they all already glucose recipe? Most, a lot of them are. Oh, I love already.

Oh, I want to get this book. Can I order this book? How much is it? I love already. Oh, I want to get this book. Can I order this book? How much is it? I don't know. I'm not the official spokesman. And then we'll go back to this story. This show is great. I love this. This is I'm gonna do this all the time. Just reading some recipe. It's just reading a few recipes. I mean, it's great. We're kicking it. I don't think Bobby does this well on this show. Because he's like me and everybody and we're amazing. Please tell me back. No, he's not having a back camping trip. Are you going on a camping trip? I think I'm going to go.

You gone? Yeah, I'm going. I'm not going to take my shirt off though, because Bob, I'm not either. Yeah, Bob, I'm aware my nipples are too low. I took my shirt off. I maybe want to swap my chest off. I took my shirt off two years ago at the house party where they let us use the pool because I'm like, I'm going to be the best because like Lewis is there, but he's all bloated and Bobby's there swimming with like three t-shirts on and then Justin silver

comes out of nowhere. Yeah, dude. Look at all ripped on his GH and shit and I look like this old wrestler that gave up after Rick Blair beat him. So I'm like kind of musely, but there's roles and I was like I'm getting out of here. I'm not insured off shape yet. No, no, I'm really, I got a roll on my lower back. Oh, no, upper ass. That's what I call it. No shit. Yeah, I'm not ready, but I got that way. I'm not doing the opposite dude. I'm like training for for fatherhood. Like it's a fucking heavyweight. I will only go to the camping trip if I have abs out by then. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I have a tent. Yeah, I have a tent. You stay in a tent, Katie. I don't have a plan. I'm going to stay with Becky Rodriguez in whatever

her tent is. I don't know if she's, is she going to bring her RV? Well, she has, she has like a, I should do is run to the RV. Yeah, she's crunchy. She has goals. Can I say and you're a tent if you get, I don't have a tent yet, but you have to try to stay with Becky. I texted her the second I found out I was like what's crunchy? It means like someone's like I know if I want her. Yeah, like really?

Yeah, she does. Yeah, I wonder if you're I think our campers in California. We were we were planning to do a camping last summer because of a pod collapse and then what it it just never happens el aparte del libro. Y luego, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ¿Dónde estamos? Estamos en mi pueblo. ¿Este es tu pueblo? Sí. Pero si es un pueblo situ precioso y tú decías que era muy feo.

Bueno, ahora es bonito. ¿Y cuando dejo de ser un pueblo feo? Cuando pensé que podía ser bonito. Sí, hombre. ¿Qué tú piensas que tu pueblo puede ser bonito? ¿Y ocurre? Este viernes, uno de diciembre, Euro millones sorté un superbote especial de 200 millones de euros.

Euro millones. No hay nada más grande. Lo querías de recuerda que juegas con responsabilidad y solos y desmayordedas. euros, euros billiards. No, there's nothing more. I wanted to bring up this other story. The dictionary is expanded. We talk about words that we should be getting rid of, and now we're talking about words that we should be adding, and they just added the word, uh, Stan. Yeah. Uh, some of the notices, Marshall Mathers. That's correct. The time was from a gig economy quibbitt garbage time garbage topple that seems like it's been there. But Those are new ways for old words snowflake purple tailwind headwind. That's like one of those

garbage hasn't been ratified yet, but it's still just a part of us. I call what I find a purple spin slime is what me and my wife call sex night. Holy shit, talking about garbage time. I saw a fucking just rosacea face, Brendan Sagalo yesterday, eat a fucking two extra bites of his like stuffed burrito over the garbage at Taco Bell. I'm 23rds rep because he's a filthy disgusting human being. He's a human raccoon.

He literally is. He looks like human raccoon. Yeah, he literally looks like grab some kibble right over the garbage and then fucking scurried away. Yeah, I've stopped doing stuff like that. Good. Yeah, I barely, I barely eat a little trash anymore. Ordered the cookbook, at least it's home personal trash and not the trash of a fucking fast food place. So garbage time is the final moments or minutes of a game in which one side has Instrumentable lead. I could have sat down. Oh, so it was like when the leaves lost to the Bruins last night and the last three minutes, that was garbage time. What's a go cup? Is that like a diva cup that fell out of your pussy?

Yeah, but it should be, but it's when you take a new definition, you got to wash it off and pop it right back up. Yeah, that's why I've never got one because it's like, you have to just cleanse it in the sink of whatever dive bar you happen to be in. Hey, don't come in doing some surgery. What's the exact definition of Stan to an obsessive fan? Yeah, obsessive fan of a one of the celebrities. It's Eminem song, but it's become part. So like it was so synonymous with just like over Zellis fan

that everybody uses it now. Yeah. Just feels like Mary and Websters now trying to compete with urban dictionary. Yeah. We have, you know, it's true. Yes, relax, Mary and Webster. They're like, we need to stay relevant. Yeah. Oh, just be an old school dictionary. Just be an old school dictionary. Nobody's going here to look up millennial terms. Yeah. Somebody should do like a comedian dictionary and it should be one page long and then they should quit. You know, it is fun. Comedic, we have like our own lexicon, you know, top surgery, a type of gender confirmation surgery in which a person's breasts are removed or augmented to answer gender identity. Yeah. A lot of real words now too. So, terminology, that's, that sounds um, topical. I feel like that's just not a creative enough term.

Bottom search. Yeah. You just called Dick shopping. Bottom, pusher hangout parts doing. I'm a doctor. That's horrible. That's your puts to it. Yeah, so that's why you don't get the budget trans surgery.

You don't want to go to the Philippines. They pay for it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, there's a comic there, trans comic, who was a woman and now is a man and the government, like the healthcare pays for it. So she had her breasts taken off and then put a lovely photo up online, which you're free to throw up at. And oh boy, it's a lot to look at. There's scars and everything. It's a lot.

Government should pay for it because I don't want to get another crowdfunding invite. I've gotten a couple. It's like, no, this is for your family, okay? Yeah. For your family, you should have saved the money from the first communion. I cannot, I can't contribute. I've seen a trans vagina. I've never seen a trans penis.

Have you guys seen it? Where did you see a trans vagina? I saw my friends vagina. Like, yeah, I've seen a trans vagina. Your friends trans vagina? No, I just saw her vagina. Huh. She showed me because she got her pussy hair lasered off. Nice. Like it like just yeah, I've seen your friends trans vagina. No, I just saw her vagina She showed me because she got her pussy hair laser it off nice. Yeah, but she now she has like a little bit But I would like to see this as well Sarah call in girl

She's a yoga teacher. She's a no just three months post chemo now No, she's very hot. She's very very she's very yoga sexy. Yeah. She's one of those yoga girls. She has a lot of tattoos, little purple highlights in the hair. Is that rare, though? I mean, this is great. I shouldn't have cut you off, but is, is that rare for you to see your friends vaginas? Well, this girl's vagina. I've seen it a couple times because she likes to walk around naked. Where? In her house. If I stay over, this is my best girlfriend from high school, but I don't feel like we don't really show each other over a giant as that often.

You guys are already in for us, are we? Maybe, just because I've never seen it. Booby ain't, yeah. Or I mean, I see people's vagina at the locker room. I mean, you guys, I got a look though. It's not just that. Just the top of it. Yeah, you have to really be wide open.

That's probably a guy. Whoops, I dropped my hand held mirror. Oh, mirror shoes, pardon me. I just made trying to learn about if my vagina's normal. But that's a good thing. Yeah, there's so many different vaginas. Not like not all girls are, know if they're like labia are normal.

So we had to write like a ton of articles about it. But I remember when I was like 14, I was like, my pussy kind of looks weird. I don't know. And then I just articles about it. But I remember when I was like 14, I was like, my pussy kinda looks weird. I don't know. And then I just forgot about it. And then, you know, no complaints. But then a few years ago, when it was like, are you in any, are you in Audi?

It's like, well, that's actually, there's like a nine different types of a Gidas. It's not just any in Audi. So I was like, I don't know. They had that in the book, what's happening to my body? Because my mom bought me that when I was like 12. And the illustrations kind of showed the different, like, you know, outer lips. Yeah. I just didn't

pumpkin the old Swedish fish. I think that's the one I have Jimmy J. J Walker lips. I just got a brochure that said the puckering duck, the predators dreadlocks. The Beto Aurora. Please stop. By the way, ten bucks that ends on. But that's not to say that there are quite a bit of. That's just a pranous cofee. You know, flavors. I don't think any man would ever complain to women about their vision. No, but people have that. And that's why a lot of young girls have said, oh, your pussy's weird. Yeah, yes.

No, a lot of guys. That's why some girls get the labio. Guys don't talk shit about it. Right. But also, girls, pussy look like a dirt bike track on a same day. Yeah, we see me shit about weeners, though. Yeah, you also have to understand that, like, I have this and it's something I fight actively is I'm pretty I'm pretty fragile Yes, but also like so if I think like I didn't I didn't perform well the first instinct is to like make fun of something on her

So how many guys that like come too quick or like your pussy's weird, you know what I mean? It's in response to their own inability to fuck. But you wouldn't say that to a girl that would pay. A lot of guys would. Yeah, it's like younger, these younger guys, you know. Yeah, they're, did you ever come in your pants? Yes. Yeah, I did. I was with a girl at college and we're making out and dry how and I came in my pants.

Yeah. And I was so, I didn't know what to do. I got up and like went and washed my dick in the sink and had to throw my underwear out. Like I was so mad. I did it at a place where I could not clean. So I was just legitimately like it was, it was cold and wet until I had to just go home. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I was in a party. I feel like if you would say it was a pie, it was like an outdoor thing. There was no bathrooms. There was no toilet paper. You were making out with a girl or something? Yeah, I mean, there was some heavy petting

and some other children's fun. But, yeah. I never, I never came in my pants, but one time I had a dream that I was looking at a waterfall and there was a rainbow in front of it. And I had an orgasm in my dream. That's beautiful. Yeah, it was fun.

I saw a calm looking at a waterfall. Do you have, is that normal for women? Cause I've had like 50 wet dreams in my life, which apparently is a lot. I don't think it's that normal, but maybe that many. I googled it and it said, if you think you came in your dream,

you probably did. Yeah. I was like, oh, it's not fun. I come way more from dreams than I do in life. The other day. Is it a sex dream or is it more like you're just looking at a beautiful landscape? No, it's sex dreams.

I've had lucid sex dreams too, where it it's like that's like the only time you can I can cheat on my wife. Yeah It's like in my G in my dream being conscious and I'm like wow I have an opportunity to have sex. Let's dip it It's so awesome I'm just curiously jerking But I'll get my sex streams over like my wife's coming up like, yeah, I'll be thinking that. Oh, that's nerve-wracking.

My brain ruins it more often than not actually. In the dream, I still don't allow myself to cheat sometimes because I'm not fully able to. I got to a little bit of an ottoman. I'm not like a maniac. But it's only when I'm really tired. Like, if I've been on the road and travel a lot and then I fall asleep and I'll go, but it happens less and less now.

My wife the other day we did sex with consent and we're going and I was whenever she comes that makes me want to come. Yeah. When she's coming and she says stuff like, look at me like she does. That's like the joke. Yeah. But I always have to because I never used to be intimate when I had sex because I was like, damn it.

So I'd like shut my eyes and think of all this stuff. Oh, you sweet little boy. No, I can't. You're just squeezing your toes trying not to come. I have to look at my wife when we have sex now, but when she comes and I'll see like her eyes roll back and then I get all excited, even if I'm not ready to come that I come right So the other day I started making she goes no don't come and don't come pull out and I pulled out and tried to squeeze But it's just like literally everywhere like a gusher. There's also nothing that ensures coming more than yelling

Yeah, don't come Sorry, but that is like the extra push it off the cliff. So hard not to just like, oh, God, it's good. Married sex is all right. Aaron, you just came now. You said don't come. I'm going out the time. Get me out of here. Do you are you having sex?

Yeah, I have to wear, I have to wear condoms. Why so? Because I went to a rubah and there's like some no, there's Zika. There's still Zika. So I and the test for it is kind of inconclusive. There's a lot of false negatives. So maybe, but you're not with child, right? That was a weird right. I moved before words. My period in a while. Well, I know six months.

Wow. Yeah, that weird. Putting on weight mostly here. Not so much here or here, but right here. But yeah, so that's, it's kind of been interesting. Did a doctor tell you that? Or you just researched that online? Research did, and the doctor told us that there's a lot of false negatives.

She's like, you probably can. It's probably not. Wow. But I don't want to risk. Yeah, you can't take care. Beadle juicing my kids head. Yeah. Yeah. Although those in Irish kids, it'll probably turn it normal. It'll just be a human size. Yeah. My wife thinks that we conceived in St. Lucia and there was Zika there at the time. But I think we conceived before we went there. But we were. Oh, dude, my crazy. I did the night before I left for the Middle East,

like a true soldier. I literally, yeah, we were having sex. I was really stealing valor and I just dropped one in. Yeah, and then came home. Yeah, you got a came home. When you did, because I remember the time I got my wife pregnant, I could feel it, like we're making love. And I could feel when I was coming in.

I was like, oh, this is the one. Yeah, that's like the end of Independence day when it flies. Yeah, it's like a And then go ask why I've goes, what did you say about a viper? Shut up. You're ruining it. You told me not to come. Are you guys going to do a big second birthday party this year?

Oh boy, it's fun. We had a good luah. That was a horrible day. You didn't get to see that horrible day. Well, when I got there, everything was calmed out. Lovely. My first Piper's first bird, she fell off the bed for the first time, hit her head, got this huge golf ball, I took her to the hospital. My wife and I are going at each other like within fucking inches of like a fist fight. And then

everybody came over and it was fine. And the day went great, but it was such a horrible lead up to that. And it was because we lived in a one bedroom apartment for like the first year and a half of our baby's life. Are you in a bigger place now? Bedroom. Yeah. So we were going to stay there for a while. We were fucking on top of each other now and stuff. And then we have a house now. We have a house. It's wonderful. You love it. Yeah, we get along so much better. Great. Get along so much. How many is it two floors? Three floors. We have a basement too.

Oh, wow. That's right. Back yard. Wow. It's great. Yeah, it's game. Scrapples of Pennsylvania. That's a meat, yeah. Oh, I don't know. You never had Scrapple? Both. That's equally interesting.

It's a white trash specialty. Yeah. Yep. What are the stories do we have? Usually people who eat Scrapple do not play Scrapple. No. Usually exclusive food. It's a hillbilly food, right?

It's a hillbilly food. What would you compare it to? Like bacon and leftovers? We got some meat ups. I saw Brandon Seglo eating this over trash can. You want some scrap. That looks like Chipotle. Have you been out to eat anywhere good?

Do you go for dinner? Oh, I just wanted to Verna Cajlides. I don't know how it's pronounced, but I think it's dolphin tamer. I was like, what'd you just call that? The Cajlides. I'm talking about an annoying old white woman. I how it's pronounced. I think it's dolphin tap. I was like, what'd you just call her? I believe it means dolphins. I believe it means dolphins. I'm running out of the shoe. Yeah, it's a place in a story.

Oh, it's fucking, it's supposed to be one of the best Greek restaurants in the whole city. In New York. Yeah. What about you? Where'd you go eat? For what? Anywhere.

And run out to eat recently with your wife. You gone for date. Yeah, I mean, for my birthday, I did the underneath Alamo Drafthouse in Brooklyn. Have you been there? Where they have all those little carts and shit like that and it's all local Brooklyn famous food. Like the best sandwiches, all this stuff. And I did that and we'd like kind of got from all of the different things and it was the best birthday ever. Yeah, super fun. Where'd you go? Okay. I don't know. birthday ever. So yeah, yeah, super fun. Fun. Where'd you go? Great. I don't know. I'm a vegan. I'm not that fun.

You're gonna be a spot in the village. I love these spot. Yeah, I like their food too. And I know you're usually like vegan stuff. I love the case of Diaz. So good. Oh my God.

So good. Oh my God. I eat it. I just go vegan. I worked with a 400 pound vegan like three weeks ago. Yeah, sugar is allowed in that region. Yeah, yeah, he jumped that Oreos are vegan. I worked with a 400 pound vegan like three weeks ago. Sugar is allowed in that region. Yeah. Yeah. He just joking. That Oreos are vegan. Just a bag. I heard that the middle of Oreos was large though. They used to be, but they changed it. Yeah. Oreos are vegan. Oreos are vegan. All right. Where do you like the everywhere? Obviously, but I like Greek food. A lot actually have you been to tip out an acaquides. Yeah, I have the dolphin.

That's its butthole. Where do we? I eat and mostly like prepare my own food. Oh, so what do you say? Water set itself. Yes, I live next to Owen Benjamin. And what I like to do is take the owls that he lets live. Oh, my flat earth fucking ex podcast co-host is doing his cabin show today, whatever, wherever Owen has extra.

I have stuff. Exactly. I don't follow Owen and I don't watch his stuff. I think he puts that a lot of stuff that is not very pro-Jew. It's not very pro-intelligence. Yeah. of stuff that is not very pro-Jew. It's not very pro intelligence. Yeah. So I think he's on Instagram still, so once in a while I'll watch him on Instagram and

stuff like that, but I think he went through the eye and the needle, I would. Yeah, what a once promising act. I saw maybe a year ago at Gotham and I think it was like a stat. I think like that week Steve Bern was headlining and like Seinfeld came by and Chappelle and I think Benjamin did a guest one. It was like a big draw. Well, he brought his piano on stage for five full minutes. There was a piano and I think it was like 15 minutes.

So I love and I was shocked to see that that was his comedy and then off stage. Yeah, of course. He's real heroic when nobody's in front of him. But he's all I don't like him because I met him once at like a party and he was and I was with his friends and he's just like look, he's one of those fucking LA douchebags that just looks over your head the entire time to see who more important is walking in. But that's a mention his just verbal diarrhea is that of, you know, it's, it's not original.

It's racist horseshit and he's a fucking moron. I suck my dick. Do you think he had a fucking drag of that? No, I don't even know. Does he have enough money now where he's, and I know he's not working or doing it, but does he have enough, what he was on a sitcom or whatever with? I'm sure he does. I'm sure he does great, but it's that, I don't know if he does great, but is that enough money to be like, fuck everybody, fuck the industry?

He's still has people that subscribe to him. Yeah, he has his, his people that I'm sure I'm going to get tweets from to calling me a cook, or whatever the hell is their new verbiage. So I can't. Yeah, he has his people that I'm sure I'm going to get tweets from to calling me a cook, or whatever the hell is their new verbiage. So yeah, yeah, well, that's my, that's my gas digital name colossal F.A.G. which is pretty sweet. Yeah. So I wonder if I express empathy sometimes, which inherently makes me homeless actual. Real quick, we do have the news announcement laughable.com. It's the app you want to go to to find all your favorite podcasts and comedians now available on Apple and Android. So I'm not Ned.

Ned. What a serial killer that guy is. Justin. I love it. I love it. I love Ned. I love it. I love his vest.

I love the fact that he just. He's very smart. Mm hmm. Think about what a psychopath sat there and hand tagged every single comedian that did every single podcast. I mean, that guy is capable of some dark shit. Mm hmm. And he uses his talents for a lot. I love that. And uh, solar Vegas, Bobby will be there the last month, the last week of May. So go there if you're gonna be in Vegas. Go buy solar Vegas. So what a great room, by the way. Yeah, you were just there recently.

All right, I was there last, I think October or November, but it was it's fantastic. It's set up exactly like the village underground. It's fucking great. I highly recommend people go out there. Awesome. Yes. Yeah. And the Rios fun too. They have the masquerade village, which is kind of a shell. What's that? The Rio is like if an Ed Hardy shirt became a building. Yeah. It's a day. It's perfect.

I love to Ed Hardy shirts. I bought the Rio one. That there is nothing but at least three of them. The specifics that of this show. And one was like with the sparkles and the pan and the snakes. And they were like $140. I bought some new blouses today. I was keeping them in the bag in case we run out of stuff

to talk about in the night with the bulbie, showing my blouses. I might wear this one to Divernaq. comedies. Do they still make Ed Hardy sure? My parents used to wear Ed Hardy's. Yeah, so much. Your parents did?

My parents constantly, every day. Why? I don't know. I love her and said, Why? I was doing cocaine at the time and it all made sense to me. And it just really felt like and celebrities were wearing it, which was why it seemed super cool at the time. I got us a feel good story canon that you loved it. But I've never been a Vegas before. By the way, I've still never been a Vegas. Never. People say I would either like it or hate it. You're sober. So I don't know.

I would smoke cigars, I guess. I thought you were going to say crap. It feels like the Las Vegas strip is just like Times Square. You know, it's like, one of the oldest, much better. Yeah. Yeah. O Vegas is cool as shit. Do you gamble? No. I play Penny Slots. Yeah. I go to the Borgata here and I'll sit down, take like $100 and pay Penny Slots, smoke a cigar and drink an O-doubles. The first time I went to Vegas, I did it the right way. I was like 21, I went, my friend was there.

I went with my girlfriend and she lived there. And so she knew she had friends who were like hosts and they would host all these guys and she would do table modeling. And so I stayed with her for a little while and I got to do it too. So where the guys will be like, Oh, do you want models to your table? And then we would just hang out with these guys all night and then they would give us like a hundred bucks each.

And no, no, just to hang out. And then if you wanted, if you wanted to go home with them, then you can like arrange it. So you can arrange it. Can you please stop cutting me off? Yeah, I want to do this. Katie was a hooker for me. I was a range it. It's a sort of a you can arrange it. Can you please stop cutting me off? Yeah, I want to do this. I'm going to add a little hooker for. I was a hooker.

Well, it's a huge story. If you want to go home with a guy that you are going to go back, go back. So where was this? This isn't Vegas. OK, so you live there for a bit? No, my girlfriend live there.

And then this is the one who's the guy I saw. Oh, and then I would go stay with her. Yeah. And so we would do the table modeling. But basically, so was there an agency or something?

Or no, it was just her friend who he was a host and like people would come, but he was a host. Like a mother, another four-hour work for Wales. P-I-M-P. An outfit? Well, we just dressed up. So you dressed up, and they would say they would get like people anything that they wanted, but they would say, would you like some girls to come to the table? Yeah.

And so then we would just hang out at the table. We would just hang out and drink with them. And they'd be playing like crafts or something. You'd be like, yeah. No, I'd like the table service in the club. Oh, okay. Yeah. And so then at the end of the night, we would get like a hundred bucks. And if you wanted to go home with a guy, then you would arrange it yourself. But my, I was always like, so fucked up. I was blacking out a lot at this time. My friend was like, she would never even drink. Thank God, because I would always like so fucked up. I was blacking out a lot at this time. My friend was like, she would never even drink. Thank God, because I would just like go home, you know, I was like practically going home

with somebody being like, I think he likes me. I think he said he's gonna call me from Florida. I know. So, luckily I never. But you were trying to charge these guys or you were just like, oh my God, I'm so excited. No, I just thought I was beating somebody. I was like, I think I found a boyfriend.

You were in the sex trade. Well, I never ended up going home with some, because my friend, she was always like the tight lace when she would drag me home. That's got home, I got a lace on my pussy. Yeah. I'm on a schedule. Come on, Katie, I'm growing in three hats.

We got eight shoes here. That's insane, yeah. I didn't know that back then. We had a great time. You enjoyed it. This is when I would drink a lot. So I didn't know that. We had a great time. You enjoyed it. This is when I would drink a lot. So I would get fucked up. My ass would be like hanging out of the back of my skirt.

We would be like in the infinity pool. You like fall over drunk. Oh, yeah. Not a good place to be. No, no, it was tough. It was a little scary for a while there. But I got myself righted. No, I just have a couple cocktails.

That's it. That's it. Yeah, I can't. I'm not a man Now I just have a couple cocktails. That's it. That's it. Yeah. I can't. I'm not a man of moderation. Feel good story. You ready for it? You're going to love this.

Armenian Genocide Remembrance March. Remember the Armenian Genocide? You're Armenian. No. That's what raised pizzas from in New York City. Armenia. It's Armenian pizza. Yeah.

We grew up with, I had neighbors about four houses down. They were Armenian. We didn't know what Armenian meant. I think the girl's name was Lula. It's a cute name. Yeah. And the other guy, I forget, but I was friendly with both of them. And the girl had very hairy arms.

And we thought that that was an Armenian trait. So I'm not sure if all Armenian share that. But I had no idea about this genocide. Oh, wow. The Kardashians are Armenian. Yes. So some people would claim that they would want. Did you know there was a genocide in Armenia, Mike? Yes. Yeah. I'm trying to push people. And they're celebrating it today in LA. They're celebrating it. Yeah. The genocide. Yeah. Well, it's like a remembrance mark. Are the Kardashians? I guess 1.5 million people died. Well, it's like a remembrance mark. Are the Kardashians?

I guess 1.5 million people died. Now, how many? Aren't they Armenian? Well, 200,000 people of Armenian descent live in LA, which is another reason why you would not want to move to LA. And one PM, the Armenian National Committee of America. All right, we get it. You're cops.

We're trying to do a show here. Aaron, that's so against brand. I thought you supported the police. I do. The Suffolk County. So I don't know there was an Armenian genocide and I thought we could get something funny out of it. Oh, I don't want to say anything mean. Could someone get an ombangement on the phone? I'm your meanie and genocide. I'm doing a show tonight at New York comedy club. And the name of the show, and I'm not just plugging this, but I want to bring it up as a topic, it's called Your Hoods a joke.

And it's a roast battle where people don't battle each other. They battle neighborhood. So it's a roast battle where people don't battle each other. They battle neighborhood. So it's up inside versus lower inside. New Jersey versus Long Island, which seems like, it's not my show. It's a show that Dinesh Anwar did. He's a Toronto based comic. They've done a Toronto Bangkok London

sells at the comedy store. So it seems like a Sure Fire hit. So it's coming here to New York for the first time tonight. And it sells out everywhere. And we have sold six tickets. So I have no idea. And he said to me, he goes, he goes, why are the tickets not selling? And I said, I don't know. Like I don't, I don't produce ever. So I was like, I'll do this show because they're in talks to get it a TV show. Personally, I think roast battles have jumped the fucking shark. I think it's done. And I think in New York, I think people are like, why do we need to go see another roast battle? And I know like the stand head great ones, but they were kind of dwindling

towards the end. New York's are great. But it's not like it's not rammed like it used to be. I don't think people go ape shit over the battle. Yeah, it's fun to do every now and then. You know, it's fun to do one every now and then, but it's like, you know, to be doing it constantly. I don't think people really like to do that. That's why I like judging because I never had to prepare

and I could just tear down people that spent a lot of time on their backs. Yeah, it's a lot of preparation and for like one show. I like judging with you because you get super high and like halfway through. You do like, I'm so high. He's like one show. I like judging with you because you get super high and like halfway through. You know, I'm so high.

He's like a kid. Yamanik and I take about 150 milligrams of THC every single time. And at some point, we lock eyes, recognize that we're both on a celestial plane. And then just kind of go from there. It's pretty fun. Yeah. I said, you're a story comedy show. He, uh, this is another show I'm on tonight. Your jawline looks great in that pic. That boy, I got to lose that extra

30 pounds I put on because the baby. I'm telling you, it's a, it's a big difference. You're already blaming her. You did that. So I don't know if it's, I don't know if the show is going to happen again. I mean, they wanted to do it like a monthly thing, but I'm like, if nobody's coming to the show, why do I have to be attached to this thing? And I'm also still reeling from my hockey team losing last night. The Leafs are out. I decided I'm not going to be a leaf fan anymore, which is a hard thing to say. And I got more hate on Twitter for that than anything political I've ever said.

I'm like, I'm done. If the Leafs lose, I'm no longer a fan. I will become a New York Islanders fan. So all these Islanders fans are like, go fuck yourself. We don't want you. You're a bandwagon fan. Leafs fans are like, good, good, I've been a fan for 36 years. And given tens of thousands of dollars, my dad was a seasoned ticket holder, given hundreds of thousands of dollars to a franchise that's not willing to improve their sales. So I'm like, why should I keep doing that? I'm part of the problem with professional sports because the team's not gonna get better. Yeah. I could go get great Islander seats and get an all-you-can-eat buffet for like 200 bucks a seat.

Yeah. Why don't I do that? And I could take Chris to tell you my manager down there. He could just eat pizza and pretend to watch the game. Sounds like you're going through a divorce. It's really been hard on me. It's really been hard on me, but I'm like, I'm also 46 going on 40. What do I need to fucking give a shit about a hockey team? That's your father's still around. Yeah, but I talked to my dad today and I go, that's it. He goes, yeah, I'm going to sell all the tickets for.

Okay. Oh, wow. He's not going to get rid of the license like he has the license for those seats, but he's done with it because I thought that would be like, that would almost be like being an orthodox something and then going away and then coming back and be like, I no longer believe. I'm a fan of that team is because my dad, when I was eight years old, came and pulled me out of school one day and he goes, we're going to the hockey game tonight. And I was so excited and we went down to this restaurant and got, I got to have bacon and eggs for dinner, which you never get.

And then we had apple pie and went to this hockey game and the team won. So I always had this place in my heart for the Toronto Maple Leafs. And you know, my dad was sick for a while. So I'd fly back and we go watch these games. And now I'm fucking, I'm done. And that's it. And I'm fucking check it out. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you can still like your dad without sports. Yeah. That's exactly it. You're right. I's it. And I'm fucking checking out. Yeah. Yeah. Because you can still like your dad without sports. Yeah. That's exactly it. You're right. That's like. Yeah. I don't, I don't like sports. I've never been able to get in. I like to not understand it at all. But I like, um, cue animal posters. Yeah. That's something. Hallenders of baby animals. Now imagine if you could get those posters to play together to achieve a, a, a together goal. Together.

I had another word and I, my brain skipped them. That was, that was also a thing with middle age, man. Why we like sports is because it's like, you're gay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's good. We love sucking dicks and steam rooms. I do like a door, like I like pouring over the male body. I'm like a pouring over the male. I mean, you know, I was watching Dame Lillard last night and I was trying to figure out how to achieve the physique. Rick Overton, who I saw years ago, who was a really good comic.

He was on that show time show. I'm dying up here. He played like Carson Booker, which I think I'm in the minority. I genuinely like that. I love that show. I really like it. I thought it was way better than crashing. And I love the period piece aspect of it. I thought it really.

I thought Andrew Santino was a fantastic actor. Everybody on that show was great. Eric Griffin was great. They shouldn't have canceled that show. But the point I was getting at was what? What was I talking about? Chris Rick over 10. He had this great line. So I'm headline Yuck Yuck's years ago. And he's like, he goes, you know, I'll look at men's bodies all the time, but because I'm comparative, not gay. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like this.

I was like, yeah, that's why. Because you see like a real Jack, dude, and you're like, oh, yeah, I tried to make a joke work that never would. It was more of a premise about how I'm not gay, but I would like to take men's bodies out for a spin. Yeah. I would like to wear maybe somebody just to see what it's like to be that wanted. Have you seen Rocky 3? Yes.

At the very end, when they're about to do their sparring, when they're talking to each other, yeah. When he listened to that, it sounds like they're about to fuck. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Even the way they move around each other is very light on the feet. Dink. Yeah. A little limp wrist right beforehand too. Yeah.

I mean, talk about body, car, or weather is in that movie is like a simple weather. He was he was great in arrested development was he he was the coach. Yeah. By the way, Henry Winkler is brilliant. I'm very right now. I keep here and that I should watch the first episode. I couldn't get into it. It's a great chair. I love him. All right. So this is what we call a commercial and they show these and some things now on YouTube. If you watch, that's a girl playing a guitar. It's a nationwide insurance company. This is how they get you. All right.

Here it is. This is. I know. It's strange. Crazy. Yeah. It makes all the sense in the world. You want me a favor.

I know. What do you think of this? I guess Mr. Fruits right? It makes all the sense in the world. You want me a favor? I don't. What do you think of this? That's me yesterday. That was a very, very deep problem. Hux down. I love it. When you run it last, like, you won by one second, you beat me by one second, one second.

That's very hard for a man of mine to tell just the hand. Oh, is it? But did you say, after I picked you, learned that I live with it? I lied. Oh, you lied. Oh, see there,'re gonna fuck me. They're all oiled up.

Yeah. No news papers just wouldn't they? No, God. You wouldn't. When you say stuff, I do all the work. I do all the work. You just made it, Apolog. They're already a little sweaty too.

Like, he's in Riquea E a glaciest. He's he's fucking misting. You gotta remember now you fight great but I'm a great fight. Yeah, but this is back when like homo homo erotic was just considered like being a friend, you know. Why don't you come over and take off your shirt and I'll give you a back. So we would still be buddies after this, right? Did you do group jerks when you were coming up? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you do women do that?

No, no, no. Oh, no, no. There's not a friend masturbation. We did like a fashion show once where we dressed a little sexy, but I think that was it. But I think we were just like, go, girl, you could get a boyfriend. I was great in that. I wonder if more people than just people in comedy have done those.

I mean, they must because we jerked our dicks with other guys that didn't go into comedy. But when you get into comedy, you hear a lot of guys tell that story. Hey, you jerked off in front of other guys, right? And you're like, oh, I thought that was only me. I was gonna hang myself. And this is before iPads and iPhones. So nobody had an individual source of media. We were all kind of gathered around the television in a very commutal masturbation.

Yeah. Playboy magazines and stuff. It was really weird. Yeah. Yeah. It was really. Just keep punching a bottle. Yeah. Just keep punching punching it Apollo. It'll loosen up. Ring the bell. All right. Ding, ding, ding, to have the fuck. That's why you really helps the Sun out in Rocky six. Oh, because he thinks he's gay. I bet that Sun went on to be gay. Is that his real Sun? No, not Rocky six. The other one. Well, when he fights Tommy, Tommy Aids got Morrison. Oh, and part of five. No, you don't want it, it's a strange Rocky Balboa. I think it's probably is gay. They don't really say it. They've only kind of comes out. No, he has a kid with

with a wife and that's where Rocky goes at the end of Creed 2. Oh, yeah, that's a thing. Did you guys see abducted in plain sight? Yes. Yeah. It reminds me of the scene where the dad has the full confessional about how the guy just asked him to give my knee a job in the car. And he was like, well, it's just boys being boys. And the guy was like, okay. But also you're like, well, was that the whole story? You think it blew up.

I think maybe they had like a thing going on. So you say you don't believe all men. You think you think it would. I don't believe So you say you don't believe all men. You think you think you're gonna believe any men. I don't believe any men. I ask women that now in the audience that I go do you believe are women? And it's shockingly, it's about 70, 30 women say no. Like I'll go do you believe all?

70 say no, 30 say yeah. Yeah, 30% will be like yeah. I mean, I think I think so. I believe all women that slogan is not meant to be taken literally. I don't think it's meant to be taken literally. I think it's meant to be like, we need to focus on believing women who say that they've been raped. Let's air on the side of belief for someone who says that they've been raped instead of airing on the side of them telling a story, which is what it's been time and time.

I can, I can understand that and empathize with that. I don't think it means like, well, no woman has ever lied and I'll stand by that. But then the slogan is bad. Then the slogan is bad. Well, I can come up with it. I know. I will not be criticized for my slogan. But it's kind of like, you know,

it's one of those things where I have friends that do the all white men are this or whatever. And I'm like, well, we're friends and you know that that's not me. And they're like, well, if you get offended by this, then you're clearly the white guy that falls into this. And it's like, no, no, your message is bad. You wrote, you cast two wide of a net.

You should have specified your message is poorly communicated. Is, can we fact check, is it believe all women? Is that the slogan or is it believe women or is it yes all women? I feel like I'm going to be like, yes all women. Believe all women. Yes, women or is it yes all women? I feel like it's all. Believe it. It's yoss all women. It's yoss all women. This message brought to you by Alana Glazer.

Yes, I think it's I think the slogan was actually believe women. There's not one. I think so too. Yeah, believe women versus believe all women and see how many. But that's true. Like stuff gets co-opted and manipulated for people to intentionally turn on it. That happens all the time. Yeah. There's like extremes like the Boston bomber example the other night was like, wait a minute, you're going from asking if criminals should vote to should the most violent criminal be able

to vote. And it's like the extreme examples. So we did just find out it's believe women, but yes, all women. And so that could be for you know, that's just saying yes. Yes. All women. That's a gym carry comes up first. Believe women comes up first. So I think it's that that whole like movement is more like let's take a moment to listen to a someone's story who's claiming quote unquote that they've been raped because it's very it's unlikely that a woman makes a false accusation of rape not to say that it's never happened, but the probability of that is let's just err on the side of believing somebody, believing their story and investigating it.

Well, yeah, what's what is the harm in approaching stuff with empathy? Yeah. So what is the harm in being like, okay, you're a victim. Whatever is happening here, something happened. So let's kind of, yeah, let's, let's handle this in thoroughly. Yeah. Just approach with empathy instead of being like, well, you can't prove it. You know, fuck you, which is what, you know, people who are survivors have heard for years and years. And I think that's the frustration that we'll even look, look at this woman that just came out against Luke Walton.

Have you heard about this? He's the ex LA Laker coach who's now just got hired by the Saturday on the show yesterday. Yesterday. Yeah, she gives them a battery. So I pretended it was a battery that was being interviewed. And I thought the end word of the battery. Oh, no. Yes. So he, there, she didn't come out this happened years ago. She didn't report it to the police. And you know, it police. And it is a compelling story because everything that she says does line up with the things that you learn about victims, right? Is that they're immediately frightened, that their future is going to be put in jeopardy. This is technically a powerful guy that has a high level position within a really well-recognized

organization. So the odds of being believed are stacked against her. But that, you know, this is where I'm like, I'm confused as to what to do and how to support. It's like, if they don't do that, if they don't go to the cops, and there is no case, really, besides just believing her in person and being warm and being empathetic, what does she hope to accomplish out of that then? Should he lose his job forever? Well, she's actually, she's actually being so, she actually, she is.

There is legal stuff going on. It's not just the story of Twitter. The statute of limitations is a very weird law. And it seems like, hmm, why do we have that? Doesn't benefit anyone except for the person who's being accused of wrongdoing. But I mean, I think believing somebody's story in the first place is some people just come forward with their story because they finally feel like they're able to. Like I've had weird stuff happen to me with men in comedy and also in my life. And it was never something that I told a lot of people right away because

I grew up in an environment that was like, people will not believe you. People will not believe you, especially if you're like someone who's not in a place of power and maybe that other person is, I don't want to go into like a whole, you know, like story. But like from my perspective as a woman, it does feel like you have more to lose by telling them to gain. You know, especially if it's something that like maybe you couldn't even seek legal action for it. Right. But is there something then that we, that anybody, just the general public should be doing to kind of coincide with just somebody, an accused are speaking out.

Do you know, Erie? I think you, I think just don't be a, don't be a dogship person. Like if somebody, if somebody says that something bad happened to them, approach it with empathy. But is being a dogship person hiring Luke Walton then? Because, you know, there is no, there is no forensic evidence. There's no like legal.

I refer to him as a doctor Luke. Thank you. He's a medical doctor. Um, yeah, I mean medical doctor. That's the, that's the opposite guy. That was Dr. Luke from the Kesha thing. Oh, I can use rapists. I can use rapists.

I can use rapists. Yeah, I can use rapists. We get that's the smaller things too, though. Right. I confuse, I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists.

I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists.

I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I confuse rapists. I have a lot of jokes about being sexually harassed in the workplace. I've had women come up to me after shows. One of my jokes I'm like, where's our victim? It's a little hacky, but it's fun.

Pup-pup-pup-pup, you know? Yeah, the woke version of an air horn. Yeah. But I have women come up to me after shows and they say, you know, I was sexually harassed in my job. And because of my position, we don't have an HR. That's for my position, you know. It just really sucks. And this is in like corporate America. nothing to do with like the entertainment industry. I think if somebody abuses their power, they should be fired. If you're not doing your job,

right, you should be fired. I totally agree with that. But it's just an accusation. If you like, and I do, you know, it sounds reasonable. What's she saying? It sounds like a reasonable progression of stuff that certainly could happen to any woman. I have no idea what type of person Luke Walton is. I don't know what type of person she is just from how she explained the situation. It sounded like a feasible reality. However, there is no legal anything. There's no evidence. It's still just an accusation. Well, so what do you do with his current employment or his future employment? Yeah, I mean, they are going forward with a cycle. The loss. Yeah. There are going

to be things that come up in that. So there has to be due process. You can't fire a guy based on allegations. That has to end. There has to be due process that happens now, because when you look at the other case of the woman that falsely accused 15 men of rape, and now she's facing imprisonment, should that be a standard thing that if people come up with false accusations for sure, should they do jail time? I mean, I think that's, yeah, that is, that does seem like it would be illegal. I don't know the law system. I just know jokes really, but on that note, we need to start wrapping up. Yeah. Let's wrap up. I was thinking we should go for a couple more hours. We did a great job. I really feel like we filled in well. You guys were phenomenal today.

Did you have a good time? I did. We did have an answer to Katie's question about a statute of limitations is something that is necessary. Men should use this on all times. Anything longer than five years is absolute. Not a bullshit. Louis should walk also.

Louis C. Louis this weekend at the Columbus funny bone. If you like Louis. Yeah. We all want to be room. Is he going to be out this weekend? You do present a good point about statute of limitations. And I've been very open about the fact that I once pimped a woman who was 18 years of age.

And you know, she was 18. So statute this. I don't think that's the same thing. Let's cut that part. Yeah, Aaron said the bomb, Dan. I did a great job. Where are you going to be, Katie? I'm going on a tour. I'm going on tour starting today. You'll come to our kickoff show. It's at New York comedy club at 915 and then we are having a whole list, I guess, if we can see there, I don't have the, it's on my website on the blog, which is under the contact. I know it's a little complicated and I would love to.

We have a whole list. It's a tour about nothing. Me, Alex Pavon, Kacerasso, Kunala Roro, we're getting in the car and we're driving for two weeks. Why are you a bald old woman in this? It's a it's a Seinfeld reference. I'm George. Yeah, okay. We said the tours about nothing.

We're going to make it. You're getting in a car for you. We're getting in a car. We're all sharing hotel rooms. That's the most manned people that were ever in Seinfeld. Yeah. We have tomorrow. They're going to be at Lucy's Friday.

We have Lafayette up Saturday, Auburn, and then we're going to be at Lucy's Friday. We have Laffitt up Saturday, Auburn, and then we're going to a great run. Oh, he can sun. Yeah. Yeah. We're excited. We are taking Monday and Tuesday off. We'll be back in the city then. So you're going to come back. That's great. Yeah, we're excited. How much fun are you going to have? Are they paying for your hotel rooms in these places? We got a way. We we're doing our own hotels, but it's coming out of the show budget. So we're good on that. You can never who's who's MC and who's closing? We're rotating everything's a rotation. Everything's a rotate. I'm gonna be filming it all on my stories because I'm probably gonna snap at one person at least. Yes, yes, we've been planning this for a few months and some people have been getting on my nerves.

Aka a each one of these bitches. I'm gonna single them out individually and verbally ravage them. I'm going to fill that up. That's a big tour. Katie Hanigan going to be on tour. She's absolutely hilarious. One of the top seven to 12 female comics in the city. Can and running away.

If you're listening live, I'm going to be and McWire's in Bohemia Long Island this weekend. Three shows one Friday, two Saturday, get all my other dates at mycanoncomedy.com. I met Uncle Vinnie's like 14 times through the remainder of the year. I'm in DC. Listen to my podcast, Irish Goodbye podcast with Mike Fini. We just had Anne Hachon again for the second time. Yeah, she says a light. She's just a new good friend of ours. Yeah, she says a light. She's just a new good friend of ours. So we're that's what booze and drugs does for you. It really brings people together. Yeah, so and Instagram at IMI Canon, I'm putting up videos every single Wednesday.

Thank you for everybody that watches and shares. So I was appreciate it. Yes, Aaron, where are you? Good. Tonight New York Comedy Club for there's only 136 tickets left. So if you haven't, if you haven't got one, I'll ready, make sure that you're there for your hoods of joke tonight. In hot water is every morning 9 a.m. on compound media.com Monday to Thursday. In hot water live will be at hilarities in Cleveland, May the fifth, May the seventh, very exciting. I will be performing alongside

May the seventh very exciting. I will be performing alongside the Sarah Silverman of our time, Miss Stormy Daniels. So I'll be. Oh, fun. Yeah. With Stormy Daniels, it's stand up New York on May the seventh. And we'll be doing comedians of the compound June 28th, a governor's in Levittown, Long Island, Aaronburg comedy on Twitter and Instagram. What a treat. Thank you so much for having us today. Let's see what Bobby has. Bobby, you can follow him at Robert Kelly

live on Instagram, Robert, Robert Kelly for everything else. He'll be at comics where he can spend this weekend next week. He'll be at levity live, West Nyak with me and Scopo actually. The Tiger room, doing a little run, a black circle brewing, and in LA, he'll be at the lot. You can use all those tickets through his website at rommercallylive.com. He'll also be at the seller Vegas the last week of May, 22nd through the 26th or 2nd of last week of May. And laughing skull in August.

So check those dates out, those tickets at rommerc.com also his Patreon get me when I go to that. Yeah. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. He has a new episode of live from the fat black, which is a new interview series. We're doing with Liza Colbe from Liza Colbe sound, a fucking badass musician from the East Village. So check that out. Subscribe.

Come on. It's like a cup of coffee, like just fucking do it. There's cool content. He always puts up cool shit. One on one, you've got an episode of YKWD early. Follow us on Instagram, YKWDude podcast and on Twitter. And Mike, do you have any dates you want to book? Yeah, I'll be like, said at Y at West Nighack with Bobby next week. I'll be at Uncle Vinnie's the end of May. All the dates aren't with Andrew Nightsclay. So that week, Andrew's there Wednesday and I'm there the rest of the weekend. Great. Nice. And social media.

I might be swear as sweet. You could follow me on Instagram at Gabby as Brian. I have a monthly show first Wednesday of every month at the way station Brooklyn. Check it out. So that's it. Aaron, how do you feel? Aaron, I feel great. I feel like we did a great job. I do this again. Yeah. I feel like I did really well. I feel like you guys were amazing. Whenever I'd flatten out, they'd pick it up. You guys were there. That's great. Didn't say anything. He doesn it. That's his thing. It's amazing. Great show. You know what, Dan! Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan. ¡Friparás! Vuelades de Madrid, a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea

Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com até a ponte com.