Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Hog Tied and Bum Tears

Episode Date: April 9, 2012

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You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm sending. It's the little bird. Where's the sending? I don't know. It's not happening to me yet. Well, are you lying? No, I'm not saying you're fucking lying. I'm not. I'm not saying it. I'm not saying it.

The end of the doubt and say you're lying. Swear to God, I said, You episode of Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude from South by Southwest, from Terry Goldman. And I said, It turns out I'm a much bigger sellout than people think. Why you a sellout?

Because remember we talked about how's an assistant? Oh, yeah, you were. We're going gonna get into that today. All right, put the phone down. We're out here. It's not a recording. All right, here we go. What's up? This is another episode of me and Dan have no chemistry. If that was Joe, Joe would have went, you know what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're all fucking high. You're gonna go to the'm not it's a podcast not high Jesus Christ Another episode you know what dude you can tell by the cackling in the background. It's not all men We have Dan Soda monster voice. Yes, I'm gonna turn you up for some reason. That's the only time you've ever said that

You get a stream of this podcast. Yeah, we're up. Okay. Good. Then we get we get Nate Bergotsie. Yeah Top building there. Yeah. We have Kelly. You guys all know from a couple of weeks ago, we had you last week, right? Yeah. Last week she was on the podcast.

And then we have a special, like, stop by role-oblating. Oh, God. Plus whack that just came by. Now actually, Lewis, Jay Gomez, what's the Jay? Why do you have the Jay? It's James, it's for James.

Why don't you just call yourself James? Why don't you call me because why don't you drop the Lewis Gomez? Because he's got to get the Puerto Rican market. It's the only way he's going to make it. So he can't wipe his name. Like he's got a job. Yeah, I don't have jokes.

If you're doing James, you got to have jokes. Puerto Rican, there's no market for Puerto Rican. He's starting, it's moreisa. There's a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, But the Mexicans, yeah, he is, he come out, oh, no. And they fucking support you. Puerto Ricans fucking don't back their people. No, we don't have money. We don't have enough support. Dude, fucking Mexicans don't have money.

Yeah, if they're hard workers, they save all their money. That's all they have. Mexicans are hard workers. Yeah, oh, hell yeah. I said that like they are not. Yeah, I work hard. I said that like they are not. Yeah. I work hard. I put a podcast out every week.

Yes, I do. How come I can't hear you most of voice? I don't know. Sounds like low, right? Yeah, it sounds like I'm in the background. You sound, you sound like we're in the background. Oh, come on. Where is he right here?

He's on his mind. Yeah, I want to turn him up a little bit. I'm sorry. Okay, let me get you now. All right, how about now? Let me hear you. Yeah, that's good, right? I think you're good. Yeah, you might not be able to hear yourself in the my headphones But I'm coming through you're coming through hot than a motherfucker You're like almost too hot because you're coming through But yeah, dude, I if I had a fucking like you have a people mate Yeah, you get the fucking that dirty accent you can go down here

Yes, come on down. Yeah, you even notice when a red net fucking The boss of the accent That's civilized like yeah, dude, fuck you There's a thing though my accent. I can't get a following okay your accent is smooth and sweet and people like Yeah, but you do the buy accent is fucking awful you can do the boss the Boston Kings of comedy Yeah, that sounds good people come and say don't fucking more as he bull of I get the fucking people over there Get a fucking Nokia block off Nobody wants to see that. Nobody wants to see

fucking Matt Damon and Stephen. I got brought on stage of the night as being a part of the Southern Kings of comedy, which is not even a thing. It's never been a thing. In the whole audience, it was like, I think you're gonna say he got brought us to comic. No, they go, we're going to things to place. That's a, you should take that. The Southern Kings of comedy. No, they go we're going to what is that place? That's a you should take that the southern kings of comedy. Yeah, it's not even yeah, it's not a thing, but it could be a thing now you now it's going to be gone. Well

some fucking twit Nashville is going to hear this podcast that's what we should do, man. If he blows up because of that that's gonna be a sad thing. Yeah, just randomly listening to a podcast. Southern kids come thought of it. When it did it? Um, billionaires.

Do you understand how happy that would make me if Southern Kings of Comedy, and it was just three fucking nobodies, and they fucking it was huge, and you passed it by. I just passed it by. To do this podcast. I had a chance.

And I was like, what time is it? Cause I got somewhere to be at 130. Where do you have to be at 130? No, I don't kidding So we got Lewis Jay Gomez who actually has his own I don't know if you know this his own podcast called hammer fist Yeah, it's the worst name ever. Yeah, well there's not the bad name if you like getting fucking hammer fisted in your asshole Well, that's what I told him I go It's like sounds and I do who's will maybe say I know

You know porny like it sounds like what are they talking about? Yeah, it's a double entendre Get it's fucking the bait and switch you hook people in thinking it's gay porn and then when they come they stay for the fighting talk Yeah, that's what gay dudes walk. Oh god. What's the hammer? I have the 18 to 34 gay demo. That's my shit. You know what I'm just gonna check around. I'm gonna check around. Dude, it's probably the war.

And I actually had to beg you to put just MMA in the title. I still don't do it. Only on Rikest, only on that website, it's the only website that says the word MMA in there. Yeah, it's because it's just hammer fisting. And it's just a bloody fist. And it's like, you know, we had Glory Hall which is fucking just gay.

And then the hammer fisting, it's like Jesus Christ, just put MMA, just to break it up. I don't get it. Why would you have to stick with Hammer fisting? Because he's gonna know before they listen that he's edgy. Yeah. I'm listening if you don't want edgy. I live on the edge, I'm not a fucking, I'm on one of these Southern pumpkin super clean college comics.

I like that. I like that Nate is a Southern gentleman, but he's also a fucking Yenta from Long Island. He's that Jay. He's that Jay. I don't like the things he talks about. And then of course we have Kelly who actually guys She's actually she's she's gonna be the new, I don't know, what's the name of it?

I know, I can't give my, have you said? I never, I never know when you're here. You know Louis? No, I know. Oh my God, you just, not yet she does in that. Oh my God, that's the most,

that was the creepiest thing I've ever done. Oh yeah. I don't know, my girlfriend listens to this podcast, it's over now. You really are a fucking Puerto Rican gorilla. Relax, Puerto Rican gorilla. What, what, why, I told you to come up with a name.

Well, I don't think I can come up with a name for myself because I think it's something that you guys have to give me because it's gonna be something endearing from yourself. endearing. I can't, well, in whatever you think endearing is That sloppy convic accent That's insane

You can't marry that You wanna die? Yeah Fucking Oh, she called me to set up the date and I was trying to walk in the comedy club She's like Boobie wants a knife Sennie

You know, it's fucking losing my shit I was like, Kelly, I'll call Bobby So do you want me to call Boobie? You know, I'll call him my shit. I was like, Kelly, I'll call Bobby. So do you want me to call Bobby? You know, I'll call him back and we can just start on a time. I never told to people in the party because I never understand me. So I always text, but I undercould. It's the worst action on the fucking planet. It's like the gin of accents.

It's the most upbeat fucking, we're gonna make it. Everything's gonna be alright Fuck it. I want to hear it depressed Aussie dude. I want to kill myself Things are going wrong. Thinking about taking my finaddle Thinking about cut more east. That's not a no Come on, give me a sicking It's the worst I fucking hate it. I fucking truly hate it.

There's nothing worse. Lovely people. I told you to come up with a, I know, but it's hard. Like an intern, she's gonna come and help set up and make sure people are on it and blah, blah, blah, a lot of stuff. But she's also gonna be on the show,

which is good too, because I think that, you know, um, It's easy to ribbon me for like 45 minutes. It's, uh, it's so funny too. I told her I go, you get a, last time we were doing the show, we were talking about, I told this big story, but I went to this hot chick smoking hop, and found out she lost like 400 pounds.

So we got naked in a car, like during the day, in the woods. I just saw every fucking stretch mark ever. So I told her, I actually lost a little weight. She's not like that. But I know I go, you got to do the show in the bikini. She goes, but she's not like stretch mocks, Bobby. I don't like Lewis. His rape attitude has dude.

You remind me of a gorilla that knows something. You know how to get out of the cage now. He's in the zoo. He knows when it's feeding time. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like the circus gorilla in the middle of the apes, like I know sign language. I'm a wet-back gorilla, not a silver bag. Nate's just depressed a rang attack. Just say there's a belly out

That just got his arms to his side there Nate's the rangatang from any witchway, but lose it but now his career Climb So yeah, go ahead where's Derosa that's what's what I was wondering. Well, Derosa is going to take a little break man He's gonna be he's got some issues some family stuff. Whatever. He's gonna be so Kelly's the new Derosa. No, not at all She's she's still tougher than him somehow Look at her face. Yeah, smells good. She looks good Compare we're going the other way

We're going with the exact opposite of So you're trying to do a video cast now We are she smells too good. It's fucking oh no cuz I smoke cigarettes I'm really worried that I stink when I walk into a room so I spray myself. Would you spray yourself with a dead old lady? Maybe just update your perfume. It smells like my nanos place in here. She actually has a big bottle with the ball that you squeeze.

Fish, fish, fish. That's how they do it, Nausee. All right, listen, yeah, he's gonna be, you know, he's gonna take some time off. So, you know, he has been on a while, but he's no good man, he's been on the road, but he's doing good, man. He's been on the road. And he's down the, he just did a Southern fucking Kentucky fried smoking the bandit tour.

He does it by himself though, right? Yeah, he man's up and goes out and fucking just blast it out, which I respect, you know, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Who's gonna book that? The Joe D'Aroza tour? Yeah, who's gonna, who's gonna book the, anger? Who's gonna, anger? Is it called anger? Is it called anger? Why is he angry? Is Joe

angry? I haven't seen Joe in a minute. You've never watched Joe on stage. I think that's a lady's angry. I've seen Joe on stage. Yeah, I've done show, but is it angry? Is it really? I mean, it's unreeling. I've never seen an angry man. Wait a minute. Can we just please notice fucking neutral Dan? Can we everybody just please notice neutral Dan just bowing his head? Uh, no, I was trying not to step on anyone. Yeah, because it's Bobby in the morning,

so you know, the fucking 90 people on this show. I didn't, I was supposed to be me, you and Nate, and with Kelly's helping out now, so we're gonna have her. And then fucking Lewis called me and he got excited because Nate was on, not you. He actually got excited. I'm excited that I'm on, no one gets excited. I knew, I fucking love you on this. Thank you, Robert.

Thank you, Bobby. You fucking ever say that. And Joe. I'm offended, I'm hurt, I'm hurt. Did he want to do it? I'm gonna tell you what my therapist said. I'm mad, but you know what mad is? It's hurt, you hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry I hurt you feelings, Bobby. I was just trying not to step on anyone because I've been doing that in the past couple of weeks. Still hurts. Still hurts. It's not, it's still there. Bobby loves you on the podcast because you make him look funnier by comparison.

Actually, that's gonna be, that's a swinging amiss. Yeah, that's just the fucking, that's just me. Like me and him, we're just joking right then and you just got serious. Yeah. This is why Puerto Ricans always escalate it. There's like a part that's like a bar fight like get the blade Homes like they fucking don't let people

This is a Bob us something now. I bet he know Trying to figure out when he could get it in He said stop. I believe you're all obliterated. You're all obliterated, the song? Yes. Oh my God. I'll tell you what Kelly does. You have the Joe does that fucking cackle

that shuts the podcast down. Oh, hey. Hey. I'm not lying. I looked away and you're in pressure and I thought was actually hurt. Oh my God. I looked really, she really shut the whole show down

with that fucking Australian bird call. When you laugh, could you go downstairs? You still have it. So yeah, we all know each other. I know Dan from the podcast and going, I know Nate from, how the fuck did I meet you? Through Derosa, right? I've been here for a while. You know, for a while, we did a show together this year.

I forced Nate, poor Nate, to stop at Pepe's pizza. That was, I just told someone yesterday, but I've been there twice. I went there another way. Did we go? I went there another time. We're going to go. Yeah, since when you came, we say it's

like a famous pizza place out there. And it's so greasy. We went and ate it and set it on my car hood and then when you lift it up There's just grease Chipping and you're probably not good. I yeah, dude. We got two people. This is what a fat fuck. I am This is with my addiction lies and it came it came out yesterday came out Saturday night In between shows. I did the brokerage, brokerage in Long Island, a great club.

Fucking, I did it six years ago. I hated it. I fucking hated a small little club. The guy came up to me before the show. He's like, you know, you have to work clean, right? I was like, are you out of your fucking, this is six years ago. Oh, good. I was like, you're out of your fucking mind.

I go, well, here's a deal. I go, you can fire me now and I'll just take off because I don't, you don't get to tell me I'm not trying to material. I do, no, but you don't get to tell me that anyways. It's like, I'm like, dude, it's literally in my contract. Yeah. You can't tell me what to fuck to say at all. And then he was like, okay, all right.

All right. All right. Well, you know, if you could, you know, try to. And he was like, okay, all right, all right, all right, well, you know, if you could, you know, try to, and I was like, no, I'm not, I'm just doing what I do. And you could fire me after the first show, just let me know. And it worked out fine. He just, apparently he had a black comic there

the week before that literally was just going, nigga, fucking suck, and putting your pussy in fucking, and nigga. I know, yeah, no, it's a good act. I know who you're talking about. Who is it? That's my fuck what is the name of it? That's why you stink.

You just got a fucking pot. You were better on this podcast when you had your memory. Anyway. What was Joeless character? I don't know, motherfucker. I was like, how am I back? You were here. You don't remember.

Run and boy. You're not running that boy. You're nothing to have a boy. What does that even mean? That means this boy. I'm running boy. It's a running that boy. You're nothing to have a boy. What does that even mean? That means this boy. I'm running boys. It's a boy running. That's the boy.

Kelly knows, right? That is, yeah. Thank you. See, I love it. The new intern for Australia. It's May, Mike. That's it. Anyways, so this week I went back the guy who owns it literally

Fuck it's like being in good fellas. I'm talking cufflinks and F okay. Yeah, what I said. Oh, I love it Why do you like that? Yeah, it's fun. She's one of those foreign chicks that gets geeked out my American danger You you like that, huh? Well, you like it. Well, it's such a stereotype. How fun is that? No, I'm saying, you said it like sexually like, oh, I love that. Oh, did I know I was more like exotment? I can't tell what you're fucking. I can't tell what you're fucking happiness.

I don't know. That sucks. You never, I thought it was like, oh, I love it. I love it. I love a fucking nice big gangster cock. I love it. I just have. Fucking nice big gangster cock. I love it. Does it have a fucking ring on his dick? I would imagine that be gold on his cock.

What? What am I? All of a twist? That I said, second accents. So I did this gig, fucking incredible gig. Friday one show. I don't think there's a comic. There's any better feeling than Friday one show on the road.

There's no better feeling than doing that show, and then that's it. Fucking them out. And then Saturday two shows, I actually stuck a chick's, this chick man, she was a second show. First show was a bunch of fuck, drunk old Milfy Long Island bitches. Fucking kind of threw me off my game.

It was, I fucked with them, it was fine, but I was supposed to do this set, and I couldn't, but then the second show, this beautiful girl sitting in the front row, smoking hot with her boyfriend, had the dumbest, elmer, fud, brown, flannel hat on. And I literally just walked on stage and I just pointed and went, hat.

And the whole place lit up. Because everybody knew what a shit had it was. And I literally just walked on stage and I just pointed and I went hat And the whole place lid up because everybody knew what a shit had it was I was like you I told the boyfriend I go I'm not even mad at her. I'm mad at you. You're such a hunk of shit Wife out of the house with that fucking dumb hat I go you wife's not a if your wife was a goofball or a fucking dumb, fine, your wife is smoking hot. Smote, and you let her leave with that dumb, stupid hat. And I had, and I was like, you had stupid, take it off.

And then I bought it off for 20 bucks, and then I stuck it in my asshole. Oh! Ah! Because I didn't want her to wear that again. I didn't want her to act the end of the show, go, ah, ah, ah, ah, and then go get her hat off a table. So you have like, she didn't get her hat back?

No, it's over. It's still on his ass hole. It's at the club. Nobody would touch it. Not even me, because I did stick it in my asshole. Second show, not a good idea. Wait, you actually touched your ass hole. I put it in my asshole.

Like, I rubbed my ass hole with the brim. On stage. Yeah, it should be. Isn't that illegal, some way? No, it's a privilege. I bought it. I bought it in my asshole like I rubbed my ass on stage with the brim on stage Yeah, it's illegal some way. No, it's a part. I bought it. I bought it. It was my it was my head. It was alternative Dedicated. Yeah, it was all too bobby. It was all Bob But anyway, is that club was fucking great, but the guy owns it nicest guy I'm talking the fucking this guy was the nicest guy, I'm talking, the fucking, this guy was the nicest guy ever. As I'm saying, hi to people after the show, he's standing out there, on a car, waiting for,

and then I go up, I go, y'all set, you're good, y'all fucking, you're everything good. And I'm like, yeah, all right, most of you make sure nobody fucks with you. He just stayed there like it made sure nobody fucked with me at all. Jesus. He's the best, the fucking,

if you get a chance to work the brokerage or any of those clubs, governors or migwires. I've done governors. Yeah, governors is great, right? Yeah. Great club, great guy. I love the people on it too. Do you have a good time?

Or was it? Yeah, yeah, it was a benefit. They would always tell me sometimes that they would go, you want to come up just to do a spot on like Tuesday. Right. Or you're like, no, not like not money or anything. You just drive up there. Right.

Like, well, I'm not, you know, not gonna just ride out there for a spot. A spot. Right. But they were, the shows have always been real cool. And it's always been a bit if it had been packed. Yeah, man, it's fucking great. I love out of good time. I haven't played there in six years.

So it was good. But anyways, me and you did this fucking gig. I fucking went off on a tangent because I wanted to talk about the brokerage. You're gonna let your work and let everybody know you're working. I'm, I would you do this week, I have. I will. I said, I ran around all weekend. A ton of, quick question, where the fuck were you?

In the city. Okay, where were you? In city. Where were you? Where were you, Kelly? At the creek. You, you? At the creek. No, she's just down in a creek. She's fishing, paddling around in the water. Very tough to find a creek in New York, but there are a couple. And what? And the creek? That's a crawfish? I don't think that's a creek.

We had to pull. That's a creek here. That's a runoff. That's a sea-tree. I would not sit in it. Have you put your feet in it already? OK. OK. OK. Damn, it's stag.

What creek? What is a creek? It's a place in the long-hung city. Creek in the cave. I haven't. Creek in the cave. You have a show this. So that was your show.

So you have a show. And you didn't invite anybody to these guys down down. Um, I was done before dance on it before. How was it? It was fun. Of course, of course, of course, it wasn't. It's not it. It's Saturday night. It's you don't do stand up. You can't do any stand up. You have to do something else. What? Well, it's a great idea for a show. Book stand up comedians not to do stand up. And everyone wants to watch everyone fail. It's great. But when I went down to it, it was great. He wrote a poem.

He wrote a poem. But in the voice of Andre, the giant. I did. It's great. One of my two poems. One track pony Dan. We get it. Two voice Dan.

No, three. Indian. Three voice Dan. White Indian guy from old movies. I'm glad to meet you. I'm glad to meet you. You're the Indian right? No, you're not.

Oh, no one's right. We created it here. Did you hear Joey? Joey, listen, I created it. Your, he's heard the Indian right? No, you heard it in a nice way. Oh, no one's right. We created it here. Oh, Joey. Joey, listen, I created it. Your marry Yomasaki is pretty good. Why was he a needing guy? What is it? Mario Yomasuki.

Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Who is that? Mario, the referee from the UFC, the referee. Brazilian, but he has an Asian name. So when we heard with Joe Rogan interviewed him in the ring, we were expecting him to sound like that. Mario Yomasuki. Oh. Oh. We hurt with Joe Rogan interviewed him in the ring. We were expecting him to sound like that Oh you're a suki

Tudoranda nook You have no honor you look on Friends Sundance you lose summer I Give a fuck that's another one. He's got wavewater one What are you great to do the Indian the Indian's the best for I'm sitting next to a bald head man From an island different than his own We're criminals who respond Wait, he's talking about me or Bobby there

Both I don't like that. Yeah, it's my mic on. I can't hear myself at all You know what let's let's do a little mic check real quick I never really did the old thing at the beginning so you might not be on Let me let me I'm coming through everyone's okay. Let me hang on one second. Let me see something here stop once I went to get a little break really really quick one second here Dan Dan had a little diva I can't hear me. I can't if I hear me how am I supposed to do my fabulous voices if I can't hear me, I can't, if I can't hear me. How am I supposed to do my fabulous voices if I can't hear myself?

Loin the mic out, we're turning you down again. Well, maybe if we were to done it like that, mic check. I forgot to do a mic check because, what? I don't, I'm just blaming you. I blame you for everything. Okay, I'm gonna blame you for everything. Where's my water?

I went to give you one, you said you didn't want one. There's water's behind. Where's my coffee? Right behind you. I'll get it. See know what? If you had an American, if you had an American girl, I'm a dirty immigrant. What do you expect? You're not a dirty immigrant. You're just dirty. Listen, listen. So we, anyways, we went on this fucking crazy pizza fast and we got two pizzas, two pizzas. That's, you know what, that's a, I think, a northern thing to like when y'all buy stuff,

just you go and buy like way more than is needed. Like it's, y'all just, like it's a big J. What are you doing? You guys didn't do that with slaves back in the day. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh back in the day. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like Bork. It's called Costco. Yeah. But y'all, like you just go, you're like, what do you want? You're gonna be like, I don't know, I'll eat like a little bit, you're like,

let's just get too large, is you're like, well that's way more than we can have. Y'all, you don't even think that you're just like, just buy whatever, like it's a big, you know. Well, I think it's the people you hang out with too. My thing is that I've learned is that, I never had money growing up, I didn't have shit, you know, I used. My thing is that I've learned is that I never had money growing up and didn't have shit.

I used to have cream at two in the four nights a week. And then even growing up after that, I had no money. Even the early days of comedy when I moved to New York, I didn't have shit. I used to eat once a day, maybe twice a day, I would eat. That's why I love the seller, because I could eat it. When I start working with the seller, I could eat. I could have food.

So I'd base my day around that. But then when you start making money and you actually have a bank account and you have, I can literally go buy whatever the fuck I wanted for food. I did. I did it. There's no more.

Yeah, there's no more. Dude, let me get two slices because I need to take a subway to home tonight. Yeah. There's, I can have five. I can walk me get two slices because I need to take a subway to home tonight. Yeah. There's, I can have five. I can walk, I one day I walked up this whole street and I'd have and tried every pizza place on the block just to know which place was the best.

Wait in one walk? In one walk. I didn't have a pizza at each bite of slice. I mean, it's just got a whole pizza. It's like, ah! That was the moment Bobby Kelly got that. Just one walk. It's time.

Yeah, I did it the other night. I fuck it last night. I just over did it. I over fucking do it all the time. Because I can. It's fucked up. We're ordering Chinese food and I want dumplings. And then I wanted spare ribs.

And then they asked me if it's large or small. And I went large. And then I wanted spare ribs. And then they asked me if it's large or small. And I went large. Why would I get small? Well, let's have more than less. There's nothing. Let's go all out. There's no feeling of sadness for a fat person than not having enough.

Like, it's a fucked up feeling. It's like, I got mad at my wife. I've been mad. I was gonna fight with her like two months ago. I went and I go, you wanna get pizza? I found every time she gets a period, I can get her to fuck and break my diet. It's a beautiful thing. I'm like, she feels crampy and shit.

I'm like, you want a pizza or something? She's like, okay. She's easy. She's easy. She's easy, proud order pizza. I love what it is. She probably wants some comfort food. It's easy, proud order pizza. I love this. Probably a, do you want some comfort food? Let's get a pie.

Two? You don't make your blood even giant to feel better? A pizza. Watching me eat greasy food. Do you want some chocolate cherry cheesecake? You do want some. Well, I went down and I got the pizza from her and I got the pizza.

She ordered the pizza. I went, there was a medium. And I almost fuck, I was, I was like, why is it a fucking medium? They go, that's what you ordered. The Mexican guys, I don't know. I go, okay, okay, let's go. Give me the pizza and I'm walking home

and I bought chips and all kinds of other shit. And I went home, I bought chips and other things because you ordered a fucking medium. That's called acting out. And you know what you said? And she goes, she goes, I didn't order a medium. I ordered a large Fucked up do you go back get justice now? Oh that fucking chips and salsa. You just sat there Your ruffles yeah, yeah, I just compensated at the deli dude

I would have made them bring me the difference in pizza. I would have my spring. May a little bit of dough The fucking cheesy bread. They don't give you marinara that's bullshit. I know I ordered it dude I fucking they came to be maris. I made the guy come back Was I didn't tip him oh you are such a fucking dude. You don't fucking not give me He's not dominoes he works for then fucking domino's tip you for Income II and see me I can You're a captain domino's yeah, I'm captain domino. Do they not tell it? Do they tell you? No, see that's the news that his fault

That is thought you should be like you got to tell him not the delivery guy No, he's in you in order that she's bread is for the marinara But that's not the most important boy should have they should have tipped. No, I's in you in order that she's bread is for the marinara. But that's not the most important point. He should have tipped. No, I shouldn't have. I didn't have a three dollar tip before. I'm not giving him an extra tip. Hang on a second, I agree with him. One second, he gave him a tip on the original fucking order.

Yeah, throw him a dollar when he comes in. No, you don't throw that fuck had nothing because they fucked up. Yeah, he didn't fuck up. You're a month out of fucking being a waiter. You're still on their side. God damn right. You're on our side. I will always be on their side. No, you won't. He didn't. You're a month out of fucking being a waiter. You're still on their side. Yeah, God Get him running on our side. I will always be on there. I know you won't. I know you won't. I do this all the time. You did? So do I. It was a you should you could carry marinara sauce. It would be that easy for him Just to carry some if they don't think just use your head and be like, you know, one of the one of the like the

Nate is a really sophisticated pizza delivery. Yeah, it's all first off. Like, I know what you want. First off, when I get an order, I look at all the things I need. Do I have my permission? Do I have a marinara? Mattens?

I got my napkins. I know they might want extra napkins. Then I sit around out from the pizza place to the house. What is the most feasible to say guess? Because I'm trying to say some guess. The scariest I've ever been in my life, one of the most scary, I used to deliver pizzas in high school in Denver, in a rough area of Denver,

and I went to this housing project, and I brought in pizzas and it was like this huge black family in the small apartment, and they're like, come in! And I was like, I'm cool, just standing right here, and standing right here and like come in and a bunch of the guys that I've worked with have got robbed at that place and I walk in and they open the pizza and they go shit man this ain't even cut this pizza ain't even cut you better and then they start yelling at me and I'm like um I didn't make the pizza can I I'll bring you guys back some soda I'm like yeah bring us back some soda I was

like I'll come right back and I fucking left I was like fuck that they didn't hit me. That was the most afraid of ever been in my life You didn't you didn't go back you didn't go back fuck no, I didn't go back. Why you fucking ask a liar Yeah, so what liar good? You know what I hope they learned their lesson. I hope they're still looking for you They're still waiting. It's just this fucking 12 year old pizza. I watch They watch a live at Gotham and they go, what is it? Did you look at the door? You? I love the charm life that dance otters live

that that's a scariest moment in life. Delivering a pizza, some black guys made them look like a bitch. Well, actually the scariest thing. I mean, my mom's beating me with metal objects. I'm more scared in my own home than my mom. Lewis, I didn't want to air this out, but I've had a gun put in my head when I was hog tied once if you want to bring that out.

I'll be hog tied. Because I used to live with a drug dealer. Is that what he made you do for rent? I don't find that funny. I can't wait. Is that really true? Yeah. He waited it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was it your roommate that did it? No, no, no, my roommate, my rug tied you? My roommate and I got robbed from from from him selling wheat. He sold like pounds of wheat. I don't care. It was the same black guys They wanted their pizza that's on the table. You're acting like you just got robbed two nice kids got robbed You selling weed you got fucking I wasn't only that was the right But you don't get sympathy for fucking being a drug dealer

He was I wasn't a drug You were the drugs I was doing the drugs I didn't sell it no no He wasn't like he was like oh I didn't sell it. I didn't sell. No, no. But he was like, oh, I didn't know. Oh, my corporate hand. What? Wait, why can't we just kind of smoke every night? I thought you were just really generous with your bot.

I thought it was weird that you didn't have a job, but I thought your mom paid for all this stuff. That new Audi was really nice. That's a long time necessary. I mean, they fucking would be like, wait, you know what, if you want to fucking mess with us, without this monster fucking voice fight. Well, it was like a five foot five Mexican dude. Really?

Yeah. And he just put the gun in my face. And I was like, ah, shit. And I turned around. He pissed the wit me. Like, yeah, yeah. And he put the plastic restraints. Am I right? He had those. Yeah. These guys were, these guys were pros. These guys weren't like, they were robbing like all the major drug dealers in two days. This is an episode of weeds.

Almost twice. What the fuck? It sounds a grimy city. That's a fucked up city. So they came, what are you doing when they come in? Uh, well, I was walking down the stairs to smoke a cigarette. Right. And they just came.

And then he goes, do you know where your buddy lives? He goes, yeah, it's right up there. Yeah, right. The first door. We've actually, we've actually got a patio. I was going to his bedroom. Door's unlocked. He's cool.

I'll see you guys back up there. I'm coming up there in a couple of seconds. You guys, he's in those ties, things. I have duct tape. I don't know if that's easier. He's also got a gun on his bed. He heads up. So they, they, they, how'd they get the things on your wrists?

I was late. The guy put a gun in my head. And you lied. So what do you say? It's reanatic. I'm you, I'm you. Bam! Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I did that cool. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey man, you don't wanna do that to me. Oh, and then they sit there and they all make him do it. The guy goes down. That is the most accurate mach on man of ever rooted my life That was good you do anybody else Do Andre the jack

Man robbing on you know you should do do Andre begging for his life life. I don't want to go to the chrome. Yeah, all right. Holmes. This is fun. Hey, where's the weedy key keeps throw someone that up. So so they they come in the house. They they pointed gun at your head. Yeah, my roommate was it's it's a very long story, but my roommate was

doing it up. My roommate was doing a drug a large drug deal. I hate when people say that it's a very long story. Yeah, I know we don't need to live it real fucking time. Showing it up. My roommate was... They get to read his digest.

Let's get to it. My roommate was doing a very large drug deal. Yes. Some guys came by the house, he got nervous. I was at Wells Fargo getting quarters to do laundry. I had six loads of laundry in the back seat of my car. That's the part you could have cut out to show it to. Wait, no.

Hi, I heard the story before. I heard the story before, and that's, these are like one the better parts of the story That makes it funny in the end I like Nate's novice Southerness that's the start you could have cut out rather. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna edit it So my roommate my roommate comes back I like I'm home and then my roommates like like, oh, this is a weird shit. I'm still gonna do the deal.

I'm just gonna meet the guy on the street. And he's like, you know, he's like, come outside and I was gonna smoke a cigarette. And he gave me his gun because he's like, in case these guys have knives, just, I don't know, it was fucking stupid. I was like, put a reggae from the 20. The 20s, the 20s.

Look, I'm fucking suck. So we walked down the stairs and all of a sudden, you had a gun in my waist. It's easy. You were way tougher than anyone in this room. Why did you always pretend to be a pussy? I've never had a gun in my waist about to shoot somebody. Why was it going to shoot anybody?

There was a... Ah, I had a miter. Yeah, yeah. And then the guy, one guy kind of tackled my roommate. My roommate had an athletic bag with three pounds of pot in it And one guy kind of came around the corner and pushed him down and my roommate just like got rid of the bag and ran And then the other guy came right up the stairs which I was on and I put my hands immediately up Exposing the gun in my waist and he pulled the gun out of my waist and he's like go back in the apartment

He's like you're gun and rob youuh? Yeah, you are a bitch. Oh really Lewis? What fucking jet Lee movie are you gonna be in where you start sliding down the stairs and firing? You don't have to be in a jelly movie. Have a gun. He had a gun pointed on me when he came around the fucking movie.

Oh, he had a gun too. I think he's a homie. I thought he stole your gun. I thought he's a homie. I'm a white foot five Mexican guy. I'm okay, okay, okay. Listen, all right, Dan settle down. Sorry.

Maybe if he used this anger that day, he wouldn't have been in trouble. Oh, wait I'm nobody here is trying to rob you I like them, okay, but when we this whole story started out It came out you're like I was once hog tied and they were like oh, I almost felt that you're like feel bad You're like your roommate was doing drugs that you didn't even know about it and now we got the story They're out carrying a gun I'll go down and it's, I'm on these guys side. I'm on with the Mexican.

I think they did the right thing. I think the right thing by disarming you fucking lunatic drug dealer. It's my own advice. I got guaranteed they were just trying to clean up their neighborhood. They were, they were, they were, they were, good dudes, good Mexican, right home.

Just vigilantes. They got, they went and got the right papers to live in this country. I bet he had a fucking Zorro mask on. Yep. The starter was high on blow. We had like an open flower show. We could have his way in some basketball show.

I have a shoulder roll shirt. Arizona basketball show, the gun just in his pocket. Yeah, there's some dead chick. He just strangled my life. There in the bedroom. I'm all, I'm all coming out of the just in his pocket. There's some dead chickie just strangled while he fucked her in the bedroom. I'm all coming out of the mustache. Ah! Fuck, I love making money off kids to a drugs.

Ha ha ha ha. It's like a... Fuck, Saga. You shot a gun before? Yeah, I've shot it. I mean, I grew up... I grew up before that. Yeah, Adam Mexican?

No. Uh, just a... In the mountain. Did you... the other guy have a gun? You're a friend. He had a gun. He I was holding his gun. And what was he in the Egypt? He disappeared. He ran away. And then the guy and then the guy that had the gun on me made me go back in the apartment. And right when I turned around, he hit me in the back of the head. And what did you do? His voice. I was like, he called. I was like, he called. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get cock I'll say get But there's one episode with a guy that's gay kid, you know, he gets scared so bad.

He was fucking seconds away from going, dude, I'll just suck your car. The guy found that he was like, dude, it's a joke. He was like, I'll do anything. I'll do whatever you want. And he was just like, I'll suck your car. I'll suck your cereal. I'll suck your fucking cereal killer dick right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So you're just you're just a hunk of garbage. Yeah, basically what it is. Yeah. All right. Well good story That wasn't even the end of it. What's the end of it? He took everything he took my car which had six loads of laundry in it Where bathing suit for two weeks So he took it how do you get your car? He took everything.

How do you get there? Which one's your car? It's the one right? I'll show you. Next to yours. Hold on. The driver's side door is weird. You get jiggle the key.

Dude, let me just start it up for you. Why? Why did he need your car? How did he get there? The first guy that took my roommate out, he ran with the bag of pot and got in there. How big was the bag? It was like a lacrosse bag.

So it was like shoes. Yeah. This guy, your drug-deaf friend's real smart to go, look, I got a huge drug deal going. We're going to do it at my apartment. He gives him everything. Ask, why would you not be like, let's meet somewhere not near where I live. I don't know. Yeah, haven't they watched Breaking Bad? Come on. It wasn't out yet. This was 04. So let me ask you a question. You, you, you had a, you invited the Mexicans. You

may invite them over. Why don't you come over? Come over here with a pot of something nice to eat. All right. And you have an enormous drug. We'll have a little bit of moto. Yeah. Well, I imagine Dan Soder had didn't have a deep voice at that time. I was like squeaky then. Hey guys, if you want to come over, it's totally cool. The guy gets put in my face like,

oh man, that's not cool. That's the one you, ooh. Hit that huge melanin did nothing. It really did nothing, really? It really hit you. If you hit me like right in the back of the head, I went down to one knee and then he like kind of

pushed me down on my stomach. And then you went like this, yeah. Oh. I put my bottom lip. I put my bottom lip. You're like this, yeah, S.I. Oh. Megusta.

Mealy just filled up. So listen, so the guy took your car and then took all your laundry, what else did he take all my DVDs? Why would he take DVDs a piece of shit? He's a fucking drug when was the DVDs first came out? Oh for because I just bought what was your favorite DVD that you lost? Bro, I don't know Pulp fiction really collectors edition. Oh I don't know. Pope fiction. Really? Collector's edition?

You know what the funny thing is, is he took everything off me, and two weeks before, like he took like my wallet, my keys, but two weeks before that, the girl I was dating had bought me the bad motherfucker wallet from Pope Fiction. And he took it? That's kind of funny. And you know, it's really funny, the cops called me, because I had to file a report because they stole my car, so we cleaned the house out. And then I called the cops. Tell them about the cops called me because I had to file a report because they stole my car So we cleaned the house out and then I called the cops about the drugs. No kidding. Yes You say they just came over well we saw we saw all the whole thing

Why don't I say why would they come over? You know what I told them I told them what they did. I was shitty was your car too. It's some city like 90 96 Dodge Stratus. Ah, Stratus. I guess that's what they like. Now that he said it's a car like that. Well, the car like that. I'm doing a drive-by's and that really slow drive-by's. Yeah.

You just hear the gears grinding like, they never shoot anybody because everybody hears their car coming. And like, you're gonna get new cars if you're gonna. They, but I told the cops that I came from the bank and they're like, oh, they must have followed you from the bank That's what the cops thought wow But anyways, uh, you just told people how to fucking rob people to you

Well the cop the cop called me back and he's like uh, he's a mr. Soder. You said you lost your wallet Can you describe it for us? Yeah, it's the ones as bad motherfucker on it because he goes excuse me I go I had the wallet from pulp fiction in the caucus. You had that wallet? I go, yeah, well, that guy's got it now. And it never, it's ironic because you're not a bad mother. He's a very bad mother fucker. Yeah. You didn't even try to talk you. Listen, he didn't even try to talk you out of it, like Sam Jackson. What do you think this is the first time I've had a gun point in my face? Because it was. You're just a pussy. Oh, am I, Bobby, that I'm not a fucking 80s action hero. I'm like, don't put a gun in my face.

I would, first of all, if I was walking down the thing and a guy, what do you have a knife? No, it a nine millimeter. He had a gun too. So he had a nine millimeter. What do you say? Pointed at me. Nothing, he came up arm blocked right on me.

Right. And I fucking do what any human should do. You fucking roll down those stairs and fucking fall into them. Snap his knee backwards, then bite his fucking face. And then you shoot that gun and his gut, boom, boom, real quick. And then you roll out behind the couch, dude. Take out his friend and save your buddy, save the pot, save the DVDs, and the bad motherfucking wallet.

That's what you do. Take one of the shoulder like a man, damn. Oh, pap! Oh, god. Oh my god, the blood is so thick. he would he just be going through all his characters as he was dying like like 21,000 I am falling into the ground Shit me, all right, we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna take we're starting to do this now We're taking a little breaks in the middle kind of regroup get a glass of something glass of water because the new intern

Fucked me right out the gate then right out the gate Right out the get I got nothing I'm I asked you a specific question you're talking back That's rule the water. Rule the water. You don't talk back. Oh, God, dude. I asked if you want to class a puddle water.

You want some gator water? It's a puddle water. You want some croc water? The dials love it. I got a rain stick in my water. You know, Britain was invented in Australia, mate. And an abo gave me a rein stick. Jesus, Dan.

What is that? That's a bad word. Oh, I forgot that's your cousin's underwear. That's like an adieu. What is that? You call that for real? Wait, what is it? Oh, God.

You just said. Good boy, good boy, corporate Dan. He's done for. Well, really? Because of your goofy racial slur that no one knows what it may. That wasn't it. That wasn't it. That was Kelly who said it. Yeah, Kelly said that. What's the racial term for an Aussie?

Listen, you fucking edgy asshole. We can't do it until his fucking Guinness tour is done. We're not going back and going over it. I can say it all day long. No, we'll take a break and I'll tell you what. Tell what it is because you're going to be. I'm coming back hard. I'm coming back hard.

I'm coming back hard. I'm coming back hard. I'm coming back hard. I'm coming back hard. I'm coming back hard. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey man, you ever want to know what it's like to be with a real man?

Who knows you? intimate feeling. Are you obviously talking about Rob Achillin, you need to check him out live. Rob Achille live dot com, but let you know all the silly places he's playing. I'm like a snake that's built to us. Big ass muscular motherfucker, I don't even know what that means. Ocean City Merlin. Secret nightclub on the 19th of April. West Tavern, Connecticut.

Ooh, you gonna get it in the tree house. Tree house comedy that he used. 20th and the 21st. Finally, West Tavern. You're not the only town that get it. Point pleasant pleasant you next 27th April things gonna get real Sixth and finally

Glowin Bohemia Oh on the fourth of May that shit's going down Check it all out Check it all out. Check it all out. RobertKillingLad of Dotcom, your mother fuckers. For Robert Kelly and his website, and let's slate your name. Yeah, really silly. Alright, and let's action.

Yeah, I want to thank you for listening to the You Know What Don't Podcast. Yeah, go to the comedy awards.com. Vote for the app. I've phone. Yeah, we're talking about the phone that you put in your hands. You control everything with your finger like the much old man. Yeah, Robert Kelly, live. That's an app.

Go to the comedy awards.com and vote for it. Your friends, your family, yeah, maybe even your sexy wife that also bulls us your manager. Yeah. Vote for the company award.com. Yeah. Better than me beating steamboat or WrestleMania three. He beaten Steamboat RISO-Mania 3! For there is a new sun on the rise, giving its love to the field. And that also is the way that I say that a new television show is coming to the network with the giant eye, which means CBS. NYC22 on CBS April 15th, for it features our great bald headed chief Robert Kelly. Spread the word, a great chill about a young band of warriors that much control their tribe. This is Latin Dan.

I want to thank you for your passion and for your ability to love me. And they special shall look to the people who have given money so we can make love to your ears. First of all, Loreta Linsor, Heather Graves, Heather, I. Rice, the very sexy nuclear crow, LCC, Val Jacob Moeller and David Johnson. Thank you to everybody for listening. Today you know what, dude podcast, I promise you are very sexy. We're back. We're back to say diva. To say diva. Just say diva, kelby, come down to this.

diva, go. come on. kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby, kelby. Come on. My kelby has no respect for her. My girl dog is just a fucker. She'll follow anybody into a fucking lawnmower blade. This dog is like, bitch, I just see what you did to diva. You screaming kelby, you called her filthy, abo. Come on, kill me. Kill me. Hey, give it down and put the baby gate up and then come get kelp.

Are we on right now? Yeah, we're on man. Well, God, that was so fun. I'm not sure what you fucking picked up. Well, it's so funny that I my dog said it got on stage and I was she was like, I'll do it. Oh, God. I don't even know how she talks. I'm doing robot.

What you picked up that dog and the dog was like, no. And then I just did she threw him. And then, uh... I know, she threw it. She just threw it down. Everyone knows, dogs should be treated like the animals they have. Yeah, you can pick him up. You won't fuck it up. It's like your skin was fire.

It's like, oh! Oh! Where is... yeah, just pick him up. Come on, Calbee. Calbee. Come on, Calbee. I'll let you back, you know. Calbee, don't evil girl on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, Like his is like a lion with a cub like you just taking it up. I feel uncomfortable I'm like I don't know if you should be grabbing your dog like that. That's that well

He's that I make a cry like Kelly Well, I can stick my finger in his vagina as I was picking that what did you do to my dog? You want to get in? Stays I'm gonna make you scream fast Fuck a dog and she tossed it right at the edge just threw it on the ground like I'm done Like it was a grenade. Anyways, we're back. We left and the funniest break of everything.

It was just a quick break. Then everybody goes, stands around the counter and just eats cookies and doesn't talk to anybody. Well, then we did. No, we did. You didn't. You went by the window and reflected on your light. Yeah.

That, you know, everybody was over in the kitchen except for Nate. I was like, Nate, yeah, right? He's just over there looking out the window with the midday sun shooting on his baseball cap. Get a little tan in. So when we left, we were talking about you. Is everything good? Okay.

Cool. We've, we figured a way to cut Dan's story shorter, so he'll do it again. And we've edited it. And we've done three rewrites. Yeah, we did a bunch of rewrites. I think we got, it's a better story. It's a better story.

I think FX will buy this one. Yeah, so I'm in Miami. I'm going with Mexicans. I'm in Miami. They're Cuban. Yeah. I am. Coked out of my mind. He's got two guns in his back.

It's caliber. Fuck, I'm gonna take me alive. Dan's got the Australian accent now. Hi. Danny creamy new. And Kelly tried to kill my fucking my girl dog. Oh boy. Because she's jealous. Single white female. Yes, she's jealous. So yeah, and you actually said a racial slur by accident. Well, I said racial slur in Australia.

Not here, but we're in America. It doesn't count here. If I, no, it doesn't. I don't know. Fuck it. But was it again? No. Abo.

Abo. All right. Well, it's tough. Yeah. You know your problem is there, does you love? Not everybody loves being racist, like, yeah, I love it. Yeah, but we don't wear our white. We don't have the fucking Puerto Rican car to fall back. You know what's funny? I was raised by all white people.

So this is true, like, in-bred, deep racism that came from my home life, but I get away with it because I'm a little brown. What even me raised by all white people? I was raised by all white people. I was rare. In Brooklyn County, in your home. I was rare in Brooklyn County at home You were raising the projects. No, you know, I told you I fucking grew up in the suburbs No, I know they kept you know that you told them to back yard with their dogs

They catch you walking in the rain one day crying like like that black kids like Sandra Bullock pulled up But you had no skills whatsoever. No, I'm half white, dude. I'm not full-porture-icken. I have Italian Irish. That's where you shitty, hairline comes in. Yeah, dude. Take my hat off.

Well, there's an eighth of weed inside of my hat that I just don't want to take off. What do you mean, an eighth of marijuana? Inside of my hat, yeah. Be careful. Dance here. Dance. Dance can get me raw up.

Those mixed just pop careful. Dance here. Dance. Dance can get me raw up, those mixed things just pop in. Every time. That's what I didn't know that. I didn't know you were half white. Yeah, yeah, I was in my dad, the stab the one I was for. She's, that was huge to Puerto Rican. Yeah.

And then I was just raised by all my racist white family. My, I swear to God, I remember at Thanksgiving when you're my grandma Rose, they were having a conversation about me as a motor. Puerto Rico celebrate Thanksgiving? Yeah, I guess. Why?

They were in Puerto Rico. I don't care for this at all. I was in Puerto Rico the week before Thanksgiving and they do celebrate Thanksgiving. I was wondering that when I was there. Man, fucking. Really? Turkey. Is it Thanksgiving?

No, like when the pilgrims and the Puerto Rico is in America, it's basically the 51st state. It's a principality. It is now in the last eight years and half. No, it's like like 30 years actually. We just did it because you guys are going to do it anyways. We're just going to become a savior. It's going to be calling ourselves a state.

Yeah. It wasn't a state back then. I mean, Thanksgiving is for the colonies. The 14th colony was actually Puerto Rico. And I think you're wrong. I think when they discovered America, Puerto Rico was one of the first places they landed. Like that was a Cuba, Puerto Rico. What about the planet rock?

Planet the rock landed on us, but that's something. That's something. Move the fuck off. Jesus Christ. I can't stand you. And Nate, you were born where? In Old Hickory. Nashville, Tennessee.

Old Hickory. Old what? Old Hickory. Oh, here it is. It's like, it's Randy Jackson is from his name that's for him. Who's Andrew Jackson? It's a little dude called the president.

20th century. So I was $20 billion retaught. He did quite well for himself. I don't know. It could be a fucking college hoop star. Yeah, it was a huge, big baseball player. He was the best. He was real good in junior high and basketball.

Most amazing guy we've ever seen. And he never did anything after it, but we named the town after him. That's how good he was in junior high basketball. We've never seen nothing like it. Old Hickory. Old Hickory. So, so you, there's not a lot of black people where you came from, right? That's what we call them old Hickory. Old Hickory. So, so you, there's not a lot of black people where you came from, right?

That's what we call them old Hickories. You know what? All those old Hickories keep on hanging on the block. Jesus Christ. That's it, black and low as. There was, I went and I growing up like in, like elementary and junior high and stuff, but when I went to high school,

I went to a private school. And there was one black kid in our entire school. And then when it's funny, we had another black kid come to our school. And I thought a name was John Black. I literally thought that was his name. We called him John Black. And then afterwards I found out his name's actually John Berlin.

And then we just called him John Black because he was black. That's fucked up. Well, I didn't know it was that bad. But I just had like, I had later on. He did. So why did he? Yeah, he did. Every time he went home, they're like,

how school is like, man, I won't go back. They keep going. They call me John Black. That's how bad it is. Baby, baby, baby, you John and last name's Berlin. His first name was even John. It's not.

It's black. It was Chris Berlin. It's not. It's black. It was Chris Burley. It's not in black. I remember, I feel bad. I went to a, I grew up with black kids from first to sixth grade in West Medford. Medford Boston's very segregated, you know, the other. What?

Yeah, the Italian. Even even races an issue in Boston. But even the towns outside of Boston Boston like I grew up in Medford Medford was segregated north Medford, south Medford, west Medford and you know north Medford was Irish You know type of guys and south Medford was Italian and then west Medford was you know white fucking Protestant Catholic cocksuckers Irish mixes and Polish mother and then the blacks had their part of town in West Madfit And I grew up there from first to sixth grade and I used to that's why I dated my first blank girl Jeanne McKay

Well, yeah, there's cuz of slaves That's why they have that's why Patrice on Neil all that O'Neal and shit. That's from back in the day Something hot Irish chick. Well, you know, they name their slaves after them. All right, so why were we making it real? No, it was just a fun fact. I'm not a slave denier. I read that off a snap of a wall. I was just, it was a snap of a wall.

A snap of a real edge. That was the edgy snap of a wall. Really. Nate doesn't believe slavery ever existed. He's like, oh, come on, man. We call it helping. We call it Tuesday. So, yeah, we, I got to fight my first black kid in fifth grade. And I, Jesus Christ, man, I never fought a black kid after that again.

He wouldn't go down. When was this fifth grade? Fifth grade. I like that you're telling the story like the first boxer that ever got in the ring. Like the first time they ever let Joe Johnson in the ring. It's like, this guy's fucking unbelievable. He's fast.

Like, how am I li? Who was your toughest fighter? There's one kid, no one knows who's. He would not go down. He kept getting back up. And then I just became good friends with him. But I remember one girl, like, we did it beat you up who won the fight.

Nobody. He just wouldn't, I went into the car we did it beat you up on the fight. Nobody. He just wouldn't, if it went to the cars. If it went to the cars, and he'd get back up and hit me, and then we did a couple of headlocks, and then it was like, eh, you know, when you get in a headlock,

it's like, hey, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. And then someone let's go, because no one wants to get in. Oh, right, you don't want to kill a kid in fifth grade. You don't have that committed to the fight. But then, They're in Australia, they have to. That's how they weed out. But then, uh, They're not Australia they have to. That's how they weed out.

The week they take them downstairs. They, do you remember the sixth grade? I got the ship you'd enemy by a black kid. I was like, I thought it was like a tough kid. Yeah, then I thought this one black. You still do. Yeah, I do.

To this day, I feel like I saw this kid. I'd run the opposite. This fucking African kid. I forget his name was like, was he like, a I saw this kid, I'd run the opposite. You're like, this fucking African kid. I forget his name was like Bob, like, two-day or something, dude. And it's buddy, I remember I was talking to his buddy. Y'all call him Bob. And I was kinda being a bully.

I was kinda being a bully, and I called him Bob a two-day black. And I smacked the kid's milk. Like the real shithead bully move. Like I smacked his friend's milk. And this little African kid popped up, double leg took me down, mounted me, and ground-impounded me in front of the entire school,

while everyone sheared him on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like everyone couldn't have been happier to watch me get my ass kicked. Lewis has deserved everything that has ever got. Yeah, even male pattern baldness.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the least God could do. Yeah. It's true. And did you, like, you're a girl, but have you ever kind of, like, you're asked me to? No, I was too much of a smite. You never got your ass beat. Never.

Never went into a Skrag Fight. A What? Skrag Fight. What the fuck is that? Went to bitches fight each other. They call that a Skrag Fight. Skrag Fight. Skrag Fight.

Hey, Eppelin. Here's a fight. Skrag fight. Here's what. Here's what. Skrag is racist. I don't know if you know this. I don't know. But Skrag's kind of like clen. You really never got no fight. Never.

Do you ever get smacked by a dude because you talk too much? No. No. No. That's nice. I used to get in a pot of tongues. Did I say that out loud? Did you marry a nice American woman?

That'll come soon enough. It's fun, lucky. No, because I had older brothers and sisters and we used to beat the shit out of each other. Like, my brother threw me through a window once and since then. A window, like a real window? Like a door, like a sliding door. Show Michael's Morty Genetti. I got super kicked through a window. That's a great reference. Like, Cooper, like the movie Hoie, like a sliding doggie. Showing Michael's Morty Genetti. Like a super kick to throw a window.

That's a great reference. Like Hooper, like the movie Hooper with Bert Reynolds. That would have been nothing, not really. That's a fucking stunt man movie. I was just gonna make a stunt man reference. I made you stunt man. You're showing your age, Bobby. Come on man, you wanna be cool like us?

I'm like, that this story's coming out and we're like, have you ever been in a crazy fight? She's like, no. And then we're like, you want to be cool like us. I'm like, that this story's coming out, and we're like, have you ever been in a crazy fight? She's like, no, and they were like, you have to get it. She said, well, I got thrown to a window. Oh, maybe that could come up when we say. That's what we do here on this, and then you know, do you play as we get into the real story? This ass hole fucker.

We were feeling bad for him. He was hog tied and getting just a whip. He's really a fucking Cuban drug deal. Drugs are of everything. I prefer drug lord. I can Mexican the Mexican neighborhood watch was just doing their job They're in a meeting at a meeting in a bear wall with a Jesus picture above We need to get these people out of our neighborhood Not you do do nothing Well, so he threw me why do you throw you?

Like a window with like with the wood did you go through the window? So he threw you, why did he throw you? We're gonna win though. A window with the wood, did you go through the window? That was a sliding door. I just imagine her dusting herself off. She was thrown through. She's Australian. And then breaking open one of those fucking false tits. Just a fucking oil can of beer.

She's like 10. False tits. That's Australian for horseplay. Wait, I never got into the fight for me. My brothers and sisters with horseplay, they take cheese and break them over my back. We're not for it. In the garage, what's up my woke up?

And the fucking buffalo was coming around at me. They put my bed right in the buffalo's cage. Why do you throw you to the middle? I think we're fighting over what we're watching on the television. Well, you have like two channels over there. Why would you fight? You don't tell the... But I wasn't hurt. The only thing that happened.

Nate, let me taste it, my Nate. Settle a little sniper in the middle. Nate, listen, we're all in the fight, shootin'. Nate's on the top of the building. Around fuckin' 40 clicks that way. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Everyone's gonna wow you hear that. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Good. Good, good, good. Good. Around fucking 40 clicks that way Good That wasn't the hurt. I knew I didn't have one was I had my fate were all cut up your feet were cut up

That's not hurt. Did you go? How did you go your feet first? What did you run? Did you want? What did you run? Did you want? Two, three, just kicking. No, I think it was. I couldn't be in that. I think it would have been wrestling movie. She missed a drop kick. It's really wrestling. I remember my brother nearly once choked me

because I was in a sleeper hold. And they used to hold me down. Both my brothers and my sleepers. Slow down, slow down, slow down. Shh, go ahead, shwasek, wait a second, stop, just stop, stop. Back it up, just slow, slow. Sixies, oh.

No, I know, I really slow it down. What were you wearing? What were you wearing? Hopefully some winded the poo outfit. Oh, was it a what, was it a onesie with flowers? Was it a onesie with takeer on it? Oh boy. All right.

Don't say that. No, I remember once they held me down. Yeah. With the. He held you down, huh? The stories are going to go nowhere now. Can he held you down by your hair? He had to be something and it's nothing.

And then it became a real Skrag fight. So you guys go to a fight and you just, yeah, could you throw a fucking window? Because we saw his arm. And then you would you to a fight and just, yeah, get through a fucking window. We always, we would you do a tap dance on the glass after? It doesn't hurt. May, might. I don't remember a lot about, I just know what scars on my feet. They get a strength from a feet when I walk across the outback. Yeah, you can go get coffee. Yeah, yeah, this isn't a real radio show. You can actually say, do you buy me somebody said that in the microphone on my show that you coffee? I'd stop the whole show and really?

Start over now. We don't do that. We did take a break But you can because you're not eating carbs because you're trying to get thin again You got fat in like a month You know you're fat too. I love that you used to be a fatty. Yeah, I actually would like to see you with a little more weight on you Yeah, no, I yeah, I it's happening because I I've already started reading my quit smoking. I was kidding about that No, it's happening Tell me it's already my mind's going I'm an eight. It's awful

Shobby really are you real fat? I made it such a fucking good We're you really fat? I'll big where you? I was like 40 pounds heavier. Yeah, I don't think she's like crazy. I think you're trying to make Bobby feel better about like, you think she's talking like, I was like, a whale.

She was like, like 500 pounds. 40 pounds on her. Listen to me. She wasn't really like crazy. That's four more, that's four babies. Picture it for a fat baby. That's four, that's four fat babies. That's four fat babies she had around her on her body. Now look at her.

Damn. Granted I had 80. You have an 80. Yeah, I'm like a fucking old lady in a shoe that somebody fat babies have on me. Woo. All right. I'll play heat.

Oh, hey, what are you gonna do? Talk about all the references. TV. You remember when that came out? I wrote it. Listen to me. Yes. So you're gonna put on a little more weight than this?

Well, I am because I'm gonna put smoking on petrified. That's how I put a little weight on the first place. I'm gonna put smoking. That's how I did it this time. Oh man, it's not looking good. It's terrible. But we'll still love you if you're sad. It looks awful. I have these massive Italian lunch lady arms that just sway

in the wind. I can fill it up speed and fly. I know exactly what she's talking about. They have little calcium deposits that fall off. It's awful. I'm scared. Really? Yeah, I had massive tits though.

I don't want to get anyone to settle down. Well, you have huge tits huge How big how big? What size were you 36 what? 36 you had a fucking Jesus Christ just you love yeah, well she lost 40 pound of tit that's it Yeah, well she lost 40 pound of tit that's it Night all left from there and then that's really things get real that's what life happens Fuck it comes out of your fucking tints, and I just go oh, we used to be up here now

Oh, no, no, not that bad, but it's just that's so funny I wonder if your balls if that happened to your balls how fucking weird that would be if you Bells got fat instead fat nuts huge huge huge huge sack You had a you had to sit open leg on a plane all the time, because your balls were just enormous. And then when you lost it, it was just sagging big sag nuts. That's my favorite nut, by the way.

One of my nuts are really droopy and saggy and hot. I don't know about you guys. When are they anything you're thinking? Sometimes they're tight. Colder,gy and hot. I don't know about you guys. When are they anything you think of? Sometimes it's cold or high in tight. Yeah, high in tight. Oh, wow. Yeah, I don't like them high in tight, because they're not as sensitive.

I like when they just hot and saggy and drooping, like just big fat nuts. I don't have big balls. I don't know. I got to like never get big. Pretty, pretty mediocre size balls. You meant to be a girl. I don't know what I meant to be dude But my balls I'll tell you this name impressive and ain't fucking humans

Like my balls are so small that I I've almost told girls that I've had one of my balls removed so it would make sense That is I think you make a Nate in his Christian upbringing. Uncom for. Is everyone those balls or where babies come from. God made balls. Not from the store. So it's just cool to

keep talking about it over and over again. Yeah. All right. But I'm why would you say that to girls though? Because they they are. It's two part thing. Number one, they'd go, oh, this guy is pretty big one ball. Like, that's a pretty impressive one ball. And then number two, they feel bad for me.

So then, no, they're gonna feel bad for me because they think I had like one of my balls removed. Like, I had testicle. They can, they can put their hand down there and feel that there's two lumps to. Yeah, what would you say? It's really just one, it looks like one ball. It's like one small sec, and there's two balls in there,

but you really gotta play. I'm, who's going that in-depth with the penalty kill? It's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I know what I'm talking about. I go way down there. Oh.

I would imagine if I liked balls, which I do, my own balls, but if I was into balls, I would like a big group ball. What kind of balls do you like, Kelly? Oh boy. Do you like a high-end tight shaved ball? Do you like a nice fucking good old fucking Aussie nut? No, I do not like a coconut. It depends on the guy.

Really? Yeah, last guy the last guy had big bulls, but they would but he was mean But they got to his hate did you hear it? Nate before he says something he breathes in he goes But he was mean Here another guy going just They're watching with an old briefcase All right, go ahead what the last guy had big balls

Just talk about it. Oh cuz you guys are gonna do we know him? No okay no is he a comic? This is a last guy. No this is a last guy. Oh is he? Yeah. Did you hurt his, are you, are you, are you sick? Huh? I knew I hurt. No it was a guy I was talking about last time. It was Andrew Jackson from Old Hickory Time to Sing. That's a guy with a- Oh the beautiful penis. Yeah, good dick guy. All right, so we see a nice ball, too. If you got a good dick, you can't.

God doesn't fuck you like that. Give you a perfect cock and just shitting us. Yes, he does. Oh, he had bad nuts. No, he had good nuts. He had good nuts. Now, as a girl, I'm really asking this. Do you like, do nuts?

Are you a nuts? Do you like a nut? Was I get, I a nut? I'm enjoying I'm a man's Doesn't matter to me it matters with the guy because some guys you can't even touch them because they're too sensitive really so and some guys Only love the beans so if so it's up. So you don't give a shit though If it doesn't like it then I won't go guys I get on my nut. Now, what if he wants underneath a nut? Taint?

Not the taint, but like, when you, does this flip you out? Let me ask you this question, this scenario. You're going down to the guy, oh yeah, oh yeah. Then you go to his nuts, he's like, oh god damn. Then you go underneath his nuts, and he goes, oh my god, oh, and he archies his back. And then you go near his ass, oh, and he's like, oh fuck my pussy.

Oh fuck my pussy. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you are. That's what on it. Oh, fuck my pussy. Oh, that's the fuck. That's the fuck you are. Oh. Oh. Is that Bobby, you, would that? Yeah, that's horrific.

No, no, I don't go any, any, any self in that. You know, I used to have a girl. You know, I used to have a girl. Smoke and heart. She can't love this girl, by the way, anyway. You don't go to the self of a nut, you're not a human being. Anyway, kick off the podcast now, Bobby. What are you saying? What are you anyway. You don't go to the south of the nut. You're not a human being anyway. Kick off the podcast now, Bobby.

What's wrong with this girl? What are you saying? What kind of word are you? You never lick you guys assholes. No! No! Let me tell you something. This time I know if a girl loves me or not,

if she'll look into my horrible, droopy, flabby ass. Oh, man. And open it up and put her tongue in here. I mean, I know that she fucking loves me. I'll leave her because she's a piece of shit. She shouldn't. My asshole's retired. My asshole's out of the game.

But from 25 to 31, my asshole was in that game. Your asshole's got six rings like Jordan. Yeah. My asshole's dead. But I remember I had a girl back in the day, smoking hot pot or recon girl. I was a bartender at one of the clubs And she would just eat my asshole and suck my dick. It's all she did Look, I meet her in the mid-afternoon. She'd be at work at you know, I let's go

And we go to my house. She goes, all right get on all fours I get on all fours and she fucking just eat just eat it and then suck my like they call it milking with it. She takes you dick from the pulls it from behind and just that suck in your cock. And I would fucking lose my mind. It's great. Oh. She was a good Catholic girl because you're a fuck yeah. Huh? She was a good Catholic girl.

She was a fucking shadow what she was but she fucking ate a asshole. But that's back when my asshole was you know kind of nice. And it's prime. That's what they did to dance order when they robbed him You're milking in I wish I'll be a good girl. I'm a good girl. I'll be a good girl. That's where you learn to do voices Just to get away

To escape my pain Yeah, somebody put your tongue in your asshole. You'll do a macho man real Makinism is a Mocha man real Oh You just gotta go through his childhood Dig it you'll make it through this Shit that's funny that you fucking you don't go through the ass at all No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no go through the ass at all. No, no, no You will that don't go no, but they didn't go to mine. I don't go to the ads and we're all happy You oh you wouldn't let a guy go there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your problem. It's not a bad shot. The fuck. Everybody.

So my vision today. No, I can't. I can't. Hang on a second. Wait, hold on. Kelly. Kelly. I was paying attention to the sniper.

All right. Yes. She actually just said, she said, she said, I can't say. She goes, my asshole, I've waited. But he problems down there. And I need to know. I need to know I need to know I need to TMZ this what what do you mean listen I'm

blaming you you're wrong down there that's how it sounded I think this might be the podcast every week. I don't think we have anybody else Listen Kelly what is your problem with your asshole? Hammer hammer it's no, no, no, no, no, we've all popped a few hemorrhage let them wait. Come on, right? What did you rip your ass? Oh? No, we have not no, no. No, what does that mean? I would want to personally say too much crazy stuff with weed. Like, we've all, like, not when I'm in the majority. The word is time, it's like, no.

I wasn't breathing properly. And if you don't breathe properly, dude, you'll fucking pop little hemorrhoids at your asshole. Not if you don't have them. Everyone has hemorrhoids, actually. It's a vein inside your asshole. I've had hemorrhoids. I've never had them.

I don't think it's a vein in your ass hole that will come out. If you're going to push it back in, I just want to use some prep age. I push it back in. Prep age? I actually get dental floss. No, you don't. Don't you prep it around your entire teeth. I'm not real tight until it dies.

It falls off like a dead grape. You're dog eats it. I get my dog down that edge. It falls off like a dead grape. You're talking to it. I can't. Listen, I get my dog down that itch. I had a voyage once where I would wake up, I had a sleep-itching. I'd just be stitching my asshole, like waking up and I sleep-itch.

And I look at my finger, was just fucking that green and deformed. I started, it was a coke now, but it was really just itch my I want to hear I want to get a note for a rot your fingernail Hello Don't buy No, miss rules

Jays for jokes Listen to me. I want to hear about your fucking awful What happened with your asshole? Nothing don't touch that nothing. I am You talk about a flush differently Is that a problem the wind goes in the opposite direction. So your asshole tied to not because it's in the opposite direction. What the hell happened, Kelly?

I got a what's called a Fisher. What's that? A Fisher is a tear that happens inside your ass. Oh. Oh. That's what I was talking about. You talk about this on stage? I do.

OK, you talk about how you. Yeah. What are you, how do you bring that up? Like, you're going to say, hey, how you heard her up? Like, hey, how you guys doing tonight? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, man, did you kill him? Yeah. Kelly's new fish. Does anyone else do an asshole rip? Tell me come on. Do you call you? Hey, do you mind if I do my asshole ripping bit? It's explain what a Fisher is.

It's a matter of what happens in your asshole, but what happens was, it just happens out of nowhere, like nothing had happened, it just came, and that's how I lost the weight. You can't fucking have an asshole rip out of nothing. I think you're brother getting another fight. It just came and that's how I lost the way you can't fucking have an asshole rip out of nothing I think you're brother getting another fight All your scars No, I think I just had a long haul flight it was like two weeks after or one week after I go back from Australia like to

The flight gave you Sitting on your ass for like 24 hours. I do that all the time Welcome to life. Yeah, you gotta be prepared to do something like that It's a freak. This is a freak thing So you're asshole tears you get a tear inside, but what happened was that wasn't the worst thing what happened was is that shit came out of it No, I got missed diagnosed twice So I was using using the wrong there like that's not an asshole there Just cuz there was some doctor that usually works on kangaroos because I thought they thought she was a they thought she was pranking them She's like there's a crack in my asshole

And then I have a call loose not on fire lose not on fire I see asshole has a slice in it And you know the doctors and they have a misdiagnosed I want to know what you said home. What was what you said? What seems to be the problem? What did you say? I'm like I can't breathe because my ass Can't breathe can you please name that you're sitting? Can't breathe because my assholes on fire Australians breathe for the rest all it was awful so you hurt it hurt. Oh, I can't even tell you my my my my territory There's like issues. Really mom has a ripener asshole.

I was talking to my mom about it. My mom said full kids. Kelly sit down. There's a problem that runs in our family. You might experience you one day, but your asshole's gonna rip. What is that, mom? Your asshole will win.

We're known as the asso-rippers. Mom, it happened. He's a cow. We've kissed our family. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha My rip no shit. Oh Really how do they repair it? Carefully Shuffle cheeks Kelly she was scooting on her cover So one of those dog pants in our neck.

Oh man. You can't look around asshole. Oh shit. I was just gonna have to mention that. God that whole image. I'm being beaten. Oh listen. Listen.

That image of Kelly. Listen. So you scoop the wood. This is lit up. So you're a rascal, Ted. You're a rascal, Ted. They missed that, you know, with what? How many asshole things did they possibly like?

I know. Kelly, I think you have a stigmatism. No, this is back. This is back. This is back. This is back. Gomez Rousse. He should leave, Louis. This is back. This is back. Gomez rules. He should leave.

Oh god. OK. So Kelly, listen to me. Stay on the seat. Go in the doctor. The doctor says you have this stigma. Is there a hemorrhoid? And then you say the hemorrhoids, right?

Twice, two hemorrhoids. Two different doctors said, oh, yeah, hemorrhoids that two different doctors said oh your tamerized uses cream So they had to look at you. Yeah, they had a look at your ass off They put their finger in there The doctor used to be a fucking iron worker It's like a fucking German sausage Fucking fat Pittsburgh fingers They weren't nice Joe Wong and Joe Derose

and fingers which anybody would want their ass. I could take like that. Oh, Joe, you're in. I'm gonna put Joe Derose and fingers, please. It's like when you get your ear pierced, you're like, oh, that's it. So this guy, this guy had to put his finger in your ass. It was a famous doctor, but yeah.

All right, so she put her finger, did she wear a glove? Yeah. Thank you. Now'm gonna bear hands. You know what I was trying to do? You talked to like, usually we're gloves, but we're all out, mate. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna take some of my sanitizing dick, put it on my hands. I gotta, I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample.

I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample.

I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I gotta zip lock bags in my sample. I'm gonna take some of my sanitizing dick, put it on my hands. I got a zip lock bag for my sandwich inside out. There's a little mayonnaise. Don't worry. So there you go. You know you get people that are hyper-conjurex and they always go, I'm like, I don't have a leg broken with a bones to get. I'm like, it's fine, I'll just walk it off. It's fine. I fucking hate. Yeah, I can tell because you had a tear in your asshole.

I won't go back. So you go in and the third time, you're like, this your asshole is hurting so bad. That's what he looks like. Your last thing that goes, oh, I didn't know you last thing. Yeah, you have a huge family problem with this. Are you not the daughter of Judy? What do you say to the mother?

What's your last thing? Oh, tell her, is it high? What's your last thing? Oh, tell her, is it high? What's your last thing? Yeah, you have a huge family problem. Yes, are you not the daughter of Judy? What is it? What's your last name? Oh, tell her is it high. What's your last name? Fistica. What is it?

Fistica. You know it. And Germany, that means. We have to asshole. Tell you that's really cool. Do you have a disease named after you? No. I don't know.

It's a Crohn's disease. It's a Crohn's disease. It's a Crohn's disease. Fistica disease. I can bleed from you. I love that Lewis there. Yeah. I'm gonna be there. It's a chrome city. It's a chrome city. It's too good to say. I can bleed from you. I love that Lewis is just gonna hard on the table. I think it first sliced asshole.

I came five minutes ago. No, it's awful. So I'm graced. That's disgusting. Okay, so you, the third time is a charm. Yeah, I was a doctor recommended to me by another comic. You had an association. This guy is an asshole tear specialist. Wait a minute, you knew another comic with ass militias?

What? What was wrong with him? He had a cyst in his head. Oh, cool. Oh, cool. You're a man. You're an American guy. You're an American comic.

Do you get into your cell phone with your assholes? No, because I was talking about on stage. He's like, oh, you need a doctor. But it's really good doctor. And I went to this guy. And the funniest thing about what happened was I had to write where I worked on the form, and I wrote down the restaurant that I worked at. And while I was bending over, the nurse was there, anyhow, he was finger inside my ass. I was like, you know, I love the sandwiches that you'll work there.

I'm like, this is another car. He goes to the store. I think I like this guy. Look at this guy. He's I like these boxes. Good guy. He's a monotony breaker. Yeah. Yeah. I know it's a stock fruit, by the way.

I know your restaurant is good. Anyway, breathe in for me. I love that if you didn't use this finger, use this cock. Oh, boy. Oh, look at his wincing so much over there. It's really the thing. I was doing the fake dick in the butt. I was emoting it on my face.

He was working on a new character. And C. He's so good. So he's thick as Venus in your asshole. And then he takes it out and there's blood on his dick. So he knows that it's, the blood is at that point of his dick. So he knows that. We're like an oil.

Like you're checking your oil. You know what? I'm gonna look at this. As you can see, you breached my head. Which means you must have an asshole, Ted. And this is, are you, Fistuka from the Australian Fistuka? Oh, we have a whole chapter on you in Medbooks. Oh, how is it high? Oh God, God damn it. So he so he finds that and you not like are you like stuck here and you can't fly home

You really want to go home I'm fine! Come and rule! Come and rule! At this point he just takes the sniper rifle off and rock it on. I'm shooting my own team. Go for it. So you get your asshole thing. I can't imagine this is interesting to anyone.

Oh, you want the fuck? Are you nuts? I was almost asleep before you brought this out. We're hoping maybe one person might have heard of someone that has this. They go and call him and they go, I think I know someone else. Oh boy. I remember talking about the rape of Dan Soda. And now it's a lie of rape.

I'm way, way happier on this. I've had, I've talked about on stage and I've had guys come up to me after with the word. So every time I take a shit, I bleed. What should I do? I'm like, say a fucking doctor! What are you doing? I don't know. What material are you doing that a guy is like, you know what?

I'm gonna go talk to her about. What is the joke? Can we hear the joke? No, I'm not gonna say the joke because I'm gonna laugh and I'll feel better. Is it on YouTube? Pull it up on YouTube? Nope, nope. Here's the deal.

Tell us a joke like a comic tells a joke. No, I'll just know. Is it on YouTube? Pull it up on YouTube. Nope, nope, nope. Here's the deal. This is why I tell you, tell us a joke like a comic tells a joke. Yeah. I'll just know. You know comics do that? Listen to me. All right. Youngster. OK.

I'm waiting. You can tell us the joke, but not do the joke. We're not asking you to do the joke. We're asking you as comics. It's that don't get, don't get, don't get, don't get, don't get, don't get, don't, they come a girl. Oh, God. All right, go ahead.

Stay in the hotel. No, I'm going to get him. Wait, hold on. I'm going to pour asshole for a half an hour be too much trouble. Do you want me to, wait, hold on. You want me to put a poor asshole for a half an hour? Real quick, do you guys want me to bring her to the stage like an insane ass if you didn't throw the skill? But here we go. All right, I'll run it for more show.

The party. You guys run it for more show? Yeah, yeah. Your next comedian is the blue club. Yeah. This next bitch. About to tear your ass up Please on the stage my girl Kelly for stucco

Dan was just talking about Tyranness. Uh, uh, I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay.

I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay.

I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna be gay. I'm gonna, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm Kelly, I'm worth it, Kelly. Go ahead. Go ahead. You're on stage. Yeah, because everyone asked me how I lost the weight. Right. And I'm like, well, because I tell them, like, I had a muscle that tore my arsehole.

And so every time I had to take a shit, I was in extreme pain. When you can't afford to go see a doctor, then for, you know, like, that's what happens. Like, you lose weight over six months. You just don't shit. Because you don't eat. Because I couldn't eat.

I was too scared to eat. So you don't eat because you didn't want a shit. You were scared of shitting. I was scared of everything. As all women should be. That's a good woman right there. Even without the fish. I would have loved dating you during this six months.

Yeah, you just a fish. She's far never shit. She fart around you? Oh no. If she does, it's screaming. No, that's the thing in the other man. No, but she piss thing in the other man. No, but she pisses like a prize bull.

She does it. Ah! It smells like fucking oatmeal. No. No one time you see a prize bull. Maybe the line of the podcast. That's the name of the podcast. No one time you see your fart.

It's like a prize. You know what's going on? You're like, every like four times a day she just starts crying and shivering Which is wrong But that's the thing because I had to eat a lot of fiber because I was in a was everything was happening So I wasn't like shitting a lot, but the it was gas. Oh boy. I was changing. I was changing You know, I ocean water into clean drinking water It was I was packing. I was a rocket ship. I was packing it off. That was far too signed to it. It's taken out. You're cl-

She's saying it's an eye. She's farted a lot. She's back at it. So it makes oceanwinter drinkable. So is this like good? This is like a good thing. I'm away on board with me. I'm like, I don't get the science.

That's a backwards saying. Can you do that? So it's something that they've never desalted water to. I was like, it's a backwards saying. Can you do that? So it's something that you guys have never desalted water before.

How is it? Is this like an ionized? I was farting so bad I was doing bricks to gold. It's like, so it's like all sorts of things. I'm scared. Oh, dear. I'm scared. I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm not playing the water. God damn it. God damn neat. It's got a bad thing. Oh shit.

It's just a little weird. I think it's just a little weird thing. I'm not playing the water. I'm not playing the water. I'm not playing the water. God damn it. God damn neat. It's got a bad thing. Oh shit. God damn our respective God damn Nate

Shit I think foreign countries need you She's the weirdest X-man power ever It hurts she's like Wolverine like is it hurt every time Kalees assos Make just up on the fucking roof. They all go, it's galley guns. No, no, no, no, no. Nate jumped down an hour ago. He's got a night of rainbow night for his mouth. He's just taking people out with his bare hands. Oh god.

So listen, listen. Anyway. Kelly. So you did. Let's talk about getting hot. Did you ask? Did you ask how old get fixed? Yeah, I took about six, seven months.

Did it just heal? Did they have to go in and like solder it? No, I'm still. It's too like a Cheat you can't write a bit about that, you know, no Can't write a bit about being itchy. Oh, yeah, I Was done before Louis too, by the way. Oh, I'm not saying anything.

I know it. That was a big, you were being subtle. I was being out there, but listen, let me ask you a question. Did your asshole, did your, is my wife, is my wife, here's your asshole. Hang on one second, did your asshole, did your asshole get fixed on its own? No, I had to do, like, I had medication and stuff.

You had to take medicine so it just healed up. Wow, it's still a point. Did they stitch it? No, no, no. You can't. The only way to really fix it is, it's like, we're hoping that what I'm doing now is fixing it, which looks like it has, but if it doesn't get entirely fixed,

this is the weirdest thing. I can't even remember saying this. You're gonna have to get a new asshole. An asshole transplant. Some dead guy in Cincinnati. She's like, actually, there's a car accident. And the guy's a donor. I get his butt hole.

She's got some fat black dudes bottled up. We have to do a benefit for her asshole. Hey guys, this has been a fun night. But you know what's no laughing matter? Probably is asshole. Anel tearing. Yeah, I see. There's a Sarah McLaughlin video.

That's what I'm saying. Just like people in the toilet like. Are you one of the only eight people that have an anal tearing in the world? Are five of them doing show for you? Are five of them the Fistucas? Yeah. Are you relic? Oh man.

I like you better when you make it fun. From 8 cents a day, just 8 cents a day with the Kelly New Asshole. I don't know what it's all about. Honey, honey, I want to adopt Kelly's Asshole. For 8 cents a day. I want to adopt Kelly's asshole Run to get a picture you got a picture of it. Her asshole. Rich will letter every month Kelly had a She had a tear in her butt Shut up

What the fuck? Shut up. Get out of here. What the fuck are you doing right now? You know, you're just a typical broad. Let's stick up for another girl. Yeah, that's what you're doing. You've never heard of them. You've never heard of them. You've never heard of them.

Yeah, I read that in time. Family in Australia. They're always tears their ass hole. Don't you've never heard that before? Babe, I work on women. Don't, the tone. Take the fucking top. I don't know. The tone is what starts this.

Say it, regular. Do you know how many people? Better. How many people? Do you see naked women all the time? You see naked women all the time? Where is this at? I mean, like, take a piece of my asshole.

She does, she. Do women have, do you, do they have fucked up assholes? Do you have to wax women's assholes? Do you have to wax women's assholes? Undercarriages. Undercarriage? Do you, do you, do you, the man's question, do you have to wax their assholes?

Yeah, when you do a Brazilian, you wax everything. And sometimes they look bad down there? Yeah, sometimes they're disgusting. I can't believe some women don't take care of themselves. Like is it oily? Does it look like a fucking old eggplant? I don't know. Oh, it's gross down there.

It's a very obscure vegetable. Yeah, you ever see the top of it? I haven't studied it as much as you have. So it's bad. So you've seen asshole tears? You ever see the top of it nothing. I haven't studied it as much as you have so So it's bad. So you've seen asshole tears Like look I've had this issue. I had it I had a façade So listen Kelly. All right, so it happens. It happens. It happens, but it's all better now, almost. So your ass hole's better. So that's why you don't know dude goes near that.

Is that why it happened? Could that have been a problem? No, no, no, no. No. I haven't even had a finger up there. Nothing's happened down there. But if a guy's going down on me, I'm going to be like, listen, come, you can't.

Oh, why, because it might be bloody? No. You're just doing what you don't want. You don't want anyone near there. She's had enough in there The beginning this is like no, it's out of bounds like I thought it was just like a girl being like I don't like I don't know sex. I didn't know it was gonna be a whole But you can legitimate medical thing that we cannot it's literally out of that

That she might literally she might bleed out if it happens. There's a fence around it Kelly listen we we're gonna we're gonna actually donate to your asshole Nice 5k run We're gonna do a walk a walk we're gonna do walk is running We're gonna do slow ginger walk if you want to donate to Kelly's ass hall Any any donations that are done today on the podcast will go to Kelly's ass hall Anybody want to donate to Kelly's ass hole today? We think we've been getting knocked out 80 bucks will probably solve this

Whatever happens then we've done this before We did it with Joe's date. No one fucks anything. I think we donated 419. Okay. So we're going to today, whatever, whatever the fans donate, you go to riotcast.com, Robert Kelly. You know what, dude, page? Does it donate, button, hit it?

You can donate whatever you want. Penny, a thousand dollars. It all goes today only. And if you donate a thousand dollars, you get a picture of Kelly's asshole. Is that true? Thousand dollars I'll get your message your ass all we're gonna hug tell you like Dan Soder ticket picture your ass My ass oh What's it got it's like a hot chick you meet a a bar and find out you had a fuck the light pretty on the outside.

The electric smoke at hot turns out fuck off. Her ass hole has been through an intervention. I used to do heroin. All right, so we're gonna. That's awesome because I just write tables. I don't even need a healthcare. Well, here's money. I can actually see a proper doctor.

All right, well, here's a lot of works. You haven't gone to a proper doctor Yeah, what are you doing? You have god-free dude chicken bones He's your doctor make me tell you There's he can't even get any's like you have to call and he's like I'll meet you outside Some of us wait tables, so I had I ran out of money to some of you in yeah, dance order and yeah So I had a run out of money some of you waiting yeah, dance order and yeah That's because he fucking sold out

Yeah, you can't sell that with asshole tearing jokes You can't do corporate tours with fucking I had an asshole and it led hey Hey, how you guys doing tonight? I'm just gonna bloody asshole. You're gonna, oh, rhythmically bloody asshole. Who is this leaking? Come on, be in the back. Yeah, this going, I was talking about. Ah, look at that rhythm, asshole. Yeah, it's doing my material better than I could have had. Ah, shit. I didn't know that.

All right, we're gonna wrap this up. We're gonna go through the, what are you playing next? Uh, some fucking laundromat. All right, so where can they hook up with you? What's your Twitter? Twitter. It's my name. It's K-E-L-L-L-Y-F-A-S-T-U-C-I. Yeah, make sure, make sure you hit her up at Twitter. Hey, find out what I've been eating.

Yeah, she's, she's one of the sweetest, sweetest people. You knew that you're the new person. Yeah. The helper. Let's call you a helper. Okay. Elf. Angel, Princess. Well, maybe the list. Ebo. Maybe the helper. Let's call you a helper. Okay. Elf Angel Princess.

Well, maybe the list is, maybe the list is. Oh, I'm just, Louis, we are stopped. You know, this is a great podcast. You're going to end it on that. Stupid, fuck, I love him. I love how big of an animal is. So make sure, yeah, the list is with my voice. I reckon the list is with my voice. Yeah, yeah, you know, it's going to have to do with your ass.

Look at it. It's ass Funny I respect it Nate what's your website and your Twitter? You can go to I am Nate calm, but the Twitter's Nate Bargatsy. Okay, you get a CD I'm making a CD in May at Gobernanda May 17th through the 20th gobernanda's in Cincinnati. Oh cool So if you're gonna be around make sure you go see him Who support him for a CD the more people that actually know him and support him are the better It's the worst ones just the fucking bachelor party shows up. He is CD taping they ruined it We're taping the whole week weekend. I think like Thursday through Sunday Make sure you go make sure you go check out napar gatsy funny Yeah, you got to come back on on dude hilarious

And then Lewis Jay Gomez Gomez Gomez comedy.com at Lewis Jay Gomez. And I'll be opening up for Nate and Montreal this month. Yep. You going to Montreal comedy festival? No, comedy nest. The club. Oh, the comedy nest. Okay. So you guys got to be up there. Went win April. I think they're 21st. Yeah. All right. Cool. Make sure you check them. We get a lot of Canadian fans. Oh, yeah. And we got a lot of Australian fans. Oh, yeah, we got a lot of Australian fans Actually one of the Australian fans who donated the most money ever So if you're out there Australian fan and still listening because now he's just listening to a podcast for the using the most racist I've written on now. Well, yeah, I always know

One of those. He spent all his family's bush money on. He's explained no, it's a really just listen to this one. Yeah, really just a pump a nickel dark guy with long curly hair. Always freaked me out. Make sure you go to hammer fisting.com if you guys are in an MMA, which a lot of my fans are check uh, check out the Hammer Fisting podcast. Twice a week, twice a week, and it's, it's funny and it's informative. And they, uh, they talk about, uh, gossip. Oh, yeah.

I remember we're going to Bells were Friday. Actually, we'll be there live. This will be out after that. So, uh, and soda, what's up at Dan Soder on Twitter at Dan Soder? Yep. You got nothing yet. Nope. Nothing yet. Nope. But we got the, uh the I got you a coffee mug today. What?

Yeah, baby. I'll give it to you right now. It's a little merch. I want to drink out of it. I got the coffee mug right here, kid. Look at that. I hope so. Just spikes it into the ground. I got the dangerous Joe shirt. we got the Gator fight shirt. You know, a lot of people bought the Gator fight shirts. They were buying them? They started two after we started talking to them. There we go. Because the Gator fight shirt, it's a green shirt.

It says it's a goddamn Gator fight. And it's got the two alligators in the front. I got that right here too. You want to see what it looks like? Yeah. Here we go. It says goddamn Nate. Nate's going to freak out.

So. I bet you a lot of people can't wear it, because it says Goddamn. That's why I say we should have done GAWD. Well, next, we'll do another shirt. We're gonna do another shirt. It's called fucking something. I don't know. But there it is right there. How cool is that? Goddamn Gator fight.

It's two Puerto Rican aligators. Wow. It's actually a great shirt. And then we get the dangerous Joe's shirt. That's a crook. We got the dangerous Joe's shirt. We got the hat. I got the hat.

Right now, the YKWD hats. So go check out that shit you motherfuckers. Robert Kelly, live.com. And at Robert Kelly, we're going to do a little tech talk in just a minute. So hang on Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick tick, I like that. Let's do that. Ready? Tektalk with Bobby and Dury. No. All right. We should have heard do it. Yeah, you do it. Go ahead. We sing by myself.

Okay, so I'm going to go Tektalk. We had Bobby and Dury like that. That almost made my head shoot off of my shoulders. Do it really stuff. Do it in a strong Australian accent though. Tag talk with Bobby and Dan. I'm not gonna fucking get it this year. Come on, go.

Tag talk with Bobby and Dan. To go up with the Dan. Go up with the Dan go up and Dan yeah Ready so it goes tech top we're all gonna do it together you Bobby and Dan you just do Bobby Dan ready one two three Top you supposed to do it ready one two three Talk with Bobby and I think it's better I think it might get all right. We're gonna. All right, we're going to do it.

So we're here. And you actually have one. You know, you fucking bailed on me. He brought up flight. I brought an airplane. I said airplane was technology. He said, he had nothing. So he just brought up airplanes.

He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, you fucking, yeah, you fucking give a magic machine in your pocket. It's technology. All right, so listen, what is it? It's technology a hundred years ago. It's a form of technology. Hey, you heard of this thing called the wheel. What's your tech talk?

Technology. Actually, a couple episodes ago, I talked about UFC undisputed three for Xbox 360. I don't know, everybody says it's amazing. Well I thought I was good at it and then I went to Lewis J. Gomez's house and proceeded to catch a beating Grant and I do call my house the octagon We played it one night after the comedy club and holy crap. That's because it smells like an octagon By the way, you know it's funny. I actually before we left because Dave Simmons been get my buddy Dave is a comic to his bad one I asked it's always bad when a mean joke when a mean joke when a mean joke just fails

It just hurt you how smells like an art to go on it nobody laughs I just felt like the shit person I should have felt like I thought you were just naming facts Cuz you nailed it dude before we left the comedy club I've been getting my ass kicked so much by my buddy Dave that I actually asked Dan, I was like, Dan, when you come back to my place, can you show me some like tips and directs? Show me that play again?

Do we come back? I beat the shit out of Dan. I won, I mean, I won, Matt. You won with one guy, and I showed him. I created a character called Negro Monkey, who he's stuck, can you knock on my podcast? That's not racist, that's his name. That you invented. Yeah. Yeah. I don't need not on my podcast? That's not racist. That's his name.

That you invented. Yeah, I don't need that on my podcast. Yeah, Jesus. I've been creating him for years and every sports game I've ever played. Yeah, in your own head, your own world. Yeah, you coulda fucking said made up. I'm not gonna edit myself.

I'm gonna say Negro Monk, I'm gonna say, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, I'm with you. By the way, when I get home. I'm creating a character called abo You can hear it. You can hear all of this at hammer fisting And he's put a rickets so he can get away with it the white people of the show Disagree with everything

Comfortable you guys are with my races. Yeah, cuz we're white By the way as soon as the mics go off think about guy. You know what good job guys Yeah, yeah, cuz we're white. By the way, as soon as the mics go off, thinking about guy, you know what good job guys. Yeah, absolutely. Apps are gonna fucking pack the America. You know what the fuck you call this? I would love to call this podcast Apple. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Jesus. I don't even know what that is, by the way. Go ahead. So yeah, and then I just put a beat down on Dan. They did every time. That's not, but that's not tech talk. I'm talking about technology. No, you're talking, you're not talking about stuff that fans should go and get.

She'll buy you a standard speed of three. You did that two weeks ago, Dan. I'm just re-bring it up. We'll talk about the difference between that and the other fighting games. I haven't bought it by it, but that the new video game, like for PlayStation, like... Probably that new place, though. You saw it. I got to let him work through this. Yeah. I just want this red neck to get through. Teccha.

No, I think that you put on the game. You thumb. We thumb. You thumbs on it. You know, the main it has a screen. Go ahead. It's the I don't I can't remember it's called. But the Vista the Vista.

I played with that and it's unlike it's unbelievable. Really? That's it. You should go get it. It looks ridiculous. Like, that played a tennis and it's just like the most, I mean, it's like playing like on TV. It's the first one I've ever seen that usually you can tell a difference,

like when you're playing like a, the PSP, like, it was like, you just kind of like, that's whatever. But it, it's like legit. It like really looks like exactly like the game that you play at home. And, I mean, the commercials you can like play. So you can put in your own and play the game, right? You can like, if you have like a game of Madden

going on at home, you can leave. Can we just talk about something that just happened? You know, my wife is directly behind me right now. I went to bring up gizmodo.com. And the first page that came up was clitty.com with fucking just dicks and pussy's and tits and I panicked I just turned a little bit I felt those fucking shallow shock eyes It's there now. I mean I turn around she's just nodding her head. Yep. I caught you. You fucking freak

Hey, what are you gonna do Don, you fucking freak. What are you gonna do, Don? You know, you get your period months a month. You know, and when I say, when I say tech, I don't mean it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be, like here's a device, you can go out and buy, it can be something that you saw that's like fucking amazing, something that's coming out or something. So Nate saved like the thing that I just said.

Nate is great. What you said is stupid. What's the video game? Well, they're like, they kept saying comedy club, too. He goes, one night after the comedy club. Yeah, because they, yeah, they're trying to plug themselves. Yeah. They want people to know that they're comedy club.

It's Cabin Bar. Uh-huh. Yeah. Especially while that's not a comedy club, that's a bar. I know. That does comedy. that's not a comedy club. It's a bar. I know. That does comedy. That's why he was making my new favorite place at the

perform by the way. Is it really? Well, he just got, he had a big alt week this year. I mean, I've been making the rounds in the bars. I'm crushing it, dude. Well, I actually had something to talk about that was amazing. They actually had this video on the internet, I don't know if you saw it, where these guys? I think they were German.

They actually invented these wings that you put on and it had a mechanism that flapped the wings. And as you flapped, it gave you more strength. And this guy, you know, was standing there, he got into this device with these big wings and he started flapping his arms and running. And as they get the camera on it, the go flex camera and all these cameras

every and he's running through this field at all of a sudden he takes flight what what I'm not kidding no way but listen to me he takes flight he flies the fuck up in the air how high and then he lands and he lands it was like you know the first flight video yeah where you actually went up you know like you know but it came back down quickly and then he lands and he lands it was like you know the first flight video Yeah, we actually went up, you know like you know, but it came back down quickly and then he lands and he's out of breath And you like oh we've done it We're gonna we're on the verge of having our own fucking wing suits Yeah, like you know you don't have to roll a blade anymore You fucking poor Puerto Rican just save up and get your fucking wings and fly on it. I haven't go across

Now I was gonna diagonally straight there dude. Yeah, then Mike Tyson's going to get a flock of you and fucking with you. I would do his roof. Yeah, nothing. It would be tough to do. That would be lazy about it. Like, you get a flap. You get a flap the whole time.

Or it's very, it's taught you the guy was out of his fucking mind. Out of his breath, he was exhausted. So I'm like, oh my god, we did it. It's done. We have this guy just flew like a like a fucking bird, like a fucking bird. And then two days later they came out and it was fake. Oh man, are you kidding me? Yeah, I was so bummed out because I was so excited to talk about this. I was so excited to talk about this on the podcast. You would get really excited about that. Dude the fucking second my fucking wings suit coming, dude. I'm gonna fucking fly everywhere. I'm gonna drop away from flying.

Flying everywhere. You're gonna be telling everyone about it. You didn't get the wings. Did I got the new wings? Did I get your butts in them? Every morning. I put it in. Every morning I fly across the Hudson River three times. That's great. Great cardio.

That's terrific. And I'll tell you this, it really sews your mind. Yeah, you just have to. I love flying. I'll put on like an e-reader book. Yeah. Why? It is such an asshole.

You know, I wouldn't be able to get one after the death lose, like, drop 40 pounds, because there's a weight limit. Like anything fun, anything fun, like scooters, you can't weigh certain fucking amount. I never can do that shit. But no, this, this thing was pretty incredible. This, I mean, I don't, I still don't fucking, I mean,

they said it's fake. Here it is. We're talking about it's fake. I think you should hear one on. Like, you're talking like Superman. Like, it's still pretty think it's right here on on Like you're talking about like Superman Like it's still pretty important It's right here you want to see it Okay see the guy

Come on you guys can come over here for a second All right here's the video This is crazy shit Okay There you go Watch this shit This is just crazy that this fucking guy Actually, flow

Probably got a dot net First thing that shows you that big. Yep. The beginning of this looks like a snuff film. All right, here we go. I mean, look at these guys. They're actually... Ugh, the awful German music in the background.

The pop-up music. I actually like that music. I like that fucking music. The house. German shit. Yeah. What was with the jacket you gave me? Okay, now this looks all legit, right?

This is on gizmodo.com, by the way. All legit. I mean, they go out in the fucking field. They hook this guy up. You know, they put a helmet on them. You gotta have a helmet for safety, right? Yeah. And look at that, okay.

Yeah, let's re-enact. Okay, okay. Okay, yeah. He comes straight. Here he goes, ready? Here he goes, watch this shit. Look. Watch this.

That looks real. Yeah, that looks fucking real. But that was the jump. That was a jump. Okay, but that's not the... This is the proven at fake video. The video that they had on the other video on Gismoto. He actually takes off the one the original. He takes off and flies in the air and you're like,

oh my God, this is the actual. That was probably one. That was the real video I just showed you. The video, the video that they had on the other day, which is this right here, is actually like, look, look how happy is they took they took flight video from something else and added it to this and fucking it's like oh holy shit watch there we go watch see the double camera look he's gone he's

off look at that he's in the air that's unbelievable look at that is that fucking nuts that's crazy If I were to sell that I would have lost my shit, too If absolutely he's in the fucking air and he's flying I want one look at that He flies over the fucking and then he lands which is even crazier look at the camera angle That's just all bullshit. So it's you can't fly. We're not there yet. You still have to think of playing I want to fly but they do have jet packs. I will that guy But I think the other the video show that proved its fake

The guy got up like the guy for two seconds. It was big jumps, but that's still a lot of done that. That's something No, it's not nothing if you want it to be something you can make it something I'm gonna make this I'm gonna make this podcast over With this music. Good tech talk. Oh, sure. Well, we talked about a fake video and video game fight. We did play a video game.

I know Nate actually had the only good tech talk. There you go. Well, check out that video in Gizmodo. It's pretty interesting. Check out both versions, the flight one and then the actual, what are they called? Debunking? Yes.

Mythbusters. Check them both out for Tech Talk. Ready? Here we go. That's the end of Tech Talk. With Bobby and Tim. No. I like it. I like it.

I'll see you, fuckers later. You know what, you. later. I'm just gonna stick it. Don't stop filming my face.