Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Hogschwartz

Episode Date: May 8, 2016

This week on YKWD: The Great Ari Shaffir is at the helm with guests Luis J Gomez, Nick Mullen, and Kurt Metzger! We celebrate New York City's recent decriminalization of public urination, tell stories about the times we committed infidelity, and watch a circumcision on YouTube! Watch / Listen and enjoy!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night. Con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Estás listo a Robert Kelly? ¿Qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué To the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a claustrophic. This podcast has no rules. I'm talking to the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it?

Can I get a microphone? No! What the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and he happens. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes it's...

...tabbed no topics, no directions. But I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin. I love doing it Podcasts popular enough, I might affect somebody's life. You never know Yeah, I'm muted that stupid fucking intro song because it's so dumb, they put it a thousand times. Yeah, I don't want to hear my own intro song on my fucking show. Guess what guys, we have a fan who knows something about music. And we're back, the Robert Kelly podcast, Sans Robert Kelly, which means it's better today. My guests, I'm Ari Shafir, my guest, are Louis J. Gomez in ethnic order. and the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the So you're gonna talk into the mic. We're good. Oh, well, I didn't know if it's too loud. I Can't be sure you guys have heard of the news today. What's that? Jay walking finds it going up 30% in New York Get out of town forcing it like an L.A. Yeah, do they enforce it in L.A. Yeah, they do. Well, it's the fine It's like 60 bucks 70 bucks. I got one once in L.A. And the guy was like you didn't see me I'm like I wasn't looking for I was looking for cars, but you can pee outside now You can pee outside and you can drink outside. No, but those are just fine Just like that. You can't do any of that. They're criminal. They're fine. So yeah, you gotta be in the middle. Yeah Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, jail for stupid shit and it's all because they arrest just black people for anything. The jails are full. We still want to get the income. What do we do? Yeah. Let's have just find them and then let them go on their way. Do you know, finish your piss? Do you know

if you, is that, is that like, do you get on the registry if you piss outside here? Because I know in some places they do. Sex, the sex of my manager. Yeah. Because I just got no, yeah. You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you got like a ticket for that. But I don't know if you have to register. No, I don't think so. Some places will do. I got a ticket for piss in a public years ago. I read, I got no, I was on the ticket for that, but I don't know if you have to register. No, I don't think so some places I'll do I gotta take it for pissing in public years ago. I Was on a registry for that too. I took a piss in I had to go to court. I had to go to court. Yeah, I don't know for that. It was in a a classroom. Oh, yeah, what? He's straight. I was teaching he's trope pisses to

Normal way of pissing into a For all out because of my prostate. Have we every like milking of the cow. He's a little bit his time for the milking of the cow. I can only piss while hard. If a cop ever tried to give me a ticket for J walking, I would literally tell him to go fuck himself and he would shoot me to death in the street. None of those things would happen. He would take it. You would literally none of that would happen. Alright fine. None of that would happen. You got me there. I got a pissing ticket once in a two-week beach, Maryland

I got one in Long Island and I had to go to court for it Really? They take it seriously. I had to get a lawyer. What? Me didn't yes, I did I had to get a lawyer because they wanted to give me a they wanted to capture the free Give me like yeah, they want to give me probation and shit if I did anything they actually get arrested So I was like I'll just go get a lawyer and he got me out of it for a hundred bucks. Well, what was the charge public urination? Uh, um, he's an exposure. Okay, I'm my way home from the seller to East Village. I walk piss every two weeks. Where? Just walk, you know, like 10th street. Well, if they do walk while you piss, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

but how does it the stream hang you? Yeah, you're peeing and walking. Peeing walk you walk on either side of the stream. So it's like, it's like a dotted yellow line. Isn't that a little conspicuous? You like that's why they walk walking with them. That's why they up the fines for J walking. Yeah, no, let's conspicuous then fucking.

Do you get one of those toy horses as I could disguise and I've been told you walking on the street, you're conspicuous as it is. Is it public urination if you like visibly piss yourself? Because that's still offensive because if they do have to if there's indecent exposure in public urination. Is that a crime? If you go in your pants that's a you that's we have three producers that can be looking at all these facts right now. None of them are. No, no, they're just staring. They're just staring. None of of you are talking you're all just staring oh hi what about

shitting outside Lewis is has a standard of excellence and I can say it's not being met the Lewis J Gomez seal is that illegal is that illegal to pull down because your ass isn't that's not genitals, they could say it's for, you know, to refurtilize the soil, but there's no soil in New York. So I think if, as long as you pick it up with a plastic bag, throw it away. Yeah. As long as you curb your shit.

Yeah, pick it up. You identify as it goes. Oh, is that what you tell it? I was, I was, I was gonna pick it up all of a sudden. Yeah, office, I was about to, I was gonna go into this bodega to buy, you know, the lowest amount. You know, were the scoopers just under yourself? I saw one time in Chinatown on Canal.

There was a lady, and you know, canals like super busy. There was a lady. That's China district, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a lady, Chinese lady. It's just shitty New Yorker, the China district. China town. Yeah, I was China town. So there's a Chinese Chinese lady shitting New Yorker the China district China town. Yeah, it's China town So there's a Chinese lady standing next to like a four-year-old Chinese boy and the kids got his pants all the way down

In the middle of the sidewalk and she's holding his penis as and helping him piss all over the sidewalk That's fucking Chinese man those mainlanders. They don't give a fuck. piss they they have shorts in China that are slit down the middle so when you crouch but regardless of their dicks that's not regardless of the culture yet you have to remember your mom helping you piss in front of all all the tourists they're either fuck you I'm a New Yorker t-shirt when you go home for Christmas you like mom for all time psych when you're I wasn't I think in California that all these Taiwanese people were mad at the Chinese immigrants because they kept shit Just doing that in public

Yes Taiwan is very different in other Chinese countries. They're like hey Chinese people specifically Yeah, we're ruining our country. Yeah, we're conscious shitting in malls. I used to live with these Taiwanese They didn't like it. They were really like Chinese. Yeah, that's Wang He's one of those Taiwanese. he looks down on the regular Chinese. That's because it's very different, they are different, it's not like, well they had the cultural revolution where they basically were like,

let's all just be Hicks, and then they got rid of all culture in China. And that's why like mainland Chinese, they're like the, you know, they're like the help buildings. With Chinese people, specifically, right? Like as they get older, they're allowed to be shitier people.

Because like that's a thing in their culture is like you're supposed to respect your elders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just like, they're just shitty fucking, have you ever met a nice older Chinese person in your entire life? Let me think. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, terrible. Yeah, I don't know how many old Chinese people I know I don't Anytime you order Chinese food any time you order Chinese food from an old Chinese person. Yeah, they're just extremely rude I thought they were

I'm sure this is not the newest J Gomez excellent standard of excellence You did it you fucking check I thought Chinese are kind of like retarded where they don't live that long This is the I think you can't you can't tell what yeah, they only lives like 40 Hold on I thought Chinese people are exceptionally long lived is what I thought yeah, they are I mean But you might they look old as shit once they hit age 70 they look like they're 200 years They yoat up real fast. Yeah, so you don't know you can't tell who I'll tell you who look yoated up was when I watched I watched this British gangster thing on Netflix. Yeah, it was like you who looked yoted up, was on I watched, I watched this British gangster thing on Netflix.

It was like, you know, like their discovery channel kind of show about gangsters. So they're all British and they're called faces. That's what they call, that's what a gangster's called there. And they all have these just like in bread, fucking like British faces dude. Like they all have horrible faces. That's what all the faces had in common.

It's called like Dick Tracy villains. Yeah. Exactly that. Exactly that. Like like Tard Head and then flat top and. He was away a lot of people with deformities. That was all villains as you when I grew up. All he man villains were deformed. Yeah. Well, you can't be a part of society. You can't have a regular job. Oh, do you like Joe? All the villains were some kind of deformed foreigner. And the good guys, I was snake eyes. Yeah, well, you can't be a part of society. You can't have a regular job. Oh, do you like jail? All the villains were some kind of deformed foreigner. And the good guys, I was snake eyes. He was like, tell you what, I'm a cyclops, but how about you join you guys? Was snake eyes a cyclops? Something like that. Blind. Was he blind? He was just blind. I thought he just could open his eyes.

He was just groggy in the morning, took an edible one night. And he's like, I can't do it today. Then Copa Commander just had a snake face, right? Oh, yeah, he had a burned up face. Oh, where is he burned up? Snake face? No, that a different guy that was snake, that was like a snake thing they called up. It got mystical for a while. Surpentor? Surpentor.

I think it's a pen-torn. Was that what his name was? The guy that turned out to be the guy behind the guy was a pen-tor. The Wizard of Oz of Joe. For like the movie, he came out. Wait, why do you have a yellow uh... oh well you are there's the bomb and somebody bombs a joke they get the bomb and about that one this is the chink danna somebody says a racist joke in

general the chink danna it's not it's always on luis yeah how many podcasts are you an integral part of it who's a seven podcast that's not sure i. I have three pod wife, two pod guests. You're a empire. I'm a regular here and then I give a serious ex-emcher. Lewis is like, listen, I'm gonna be closest to mine. I'm gonna be bombing a lot.

They're being bandanas. Let me wipe something down for my forehead because I sweat. All right. Take that bomb down right there. Let's start it. Did you guys hear about or watch? Yeah, why we're like a little mooney. By the way, I'm straight on the outside. Did you guys hear about or watch? Yeah, why were like, oh, Mooney? By the way, I'm straight on the outside. Last day of Moontower, walking back to the hotel with Derosa. Okay, he's got somebody he's bringing back.

I didn't know where. I had sliders in each hand. You know, there's a little party. There was like this guy making sliders outside. I had to be able to find food. So I had a little container in each hand. I'm walking back and Joe runs up and slaps one out of my hand Yeah, I mean a legitimate slap that by all law I have to take right yeah, you have to take it Okay, so fine, but then he makes his fuck these forced ass laugh that creeped out like any humor of this

Perfectly legit slap I would buy all accounts out to take. Deroza just goes, hehehehehehe. It was so like disconcerting that everyone around was like, Joe, that was kind of mean. I don't know why he did that. He already did that to me.

I said, he ruined it. He, I had a fucking mince in a tin and an altoid tin. Yeah. And he smacked him out of my hand. It was funny. But I had four at a roll in the tin as well. Oh, you. You gotta him out of my hand. It was funny, but I had four Adderall in the tennis ball. Oh, you. You had to get our hands on his.

It was my fault. He had the 10 open for like a minute and a half. Just open. Dude, if I get slowly eating one out, it was like, come on, man. I don't want to do this. Why do you be mixing your Adderalls with your Adderalls? Adderalls. It makes him taste like a prescription for disaster.

Well, it's a surprise then. Yeah. It was like I'm a... My breath stinks, but I am sharp. Have you guys ever played Assa Roulette with Altoids? No. I was gonna do... I said dropers and put them on one Altoid

and then shake them up and then... We were gonna do that on my other podcast and I have to check the whole incident. So what do you do that? It was in Denver, we played once. I didn't get it. Did you have stuff to do or was it like... No. So do all those fucks of the game is drug games. I don't get it

I want to take drugs. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like right now You know nobody really is in the needs to do acid right now, but like let's play the roulette You know who knows but who wants to do acid by themselves as well? That's your sense terrifying Can't right now you get it. Yeah. Yeah, do you learn this game in a POW camp? Terrifying. Right, now you get it. Yeah. Yeah, do you learn this game in a POW camp? Do you learn it?

I think they only have one hit of acid left or something. I don't know. I have a hit of acid right now in my storage unit. Really? Yeah, just one hit of fucking paper acid. What's it? Storage unit. A storage unit.

Hey, Lewis, you don't need a whole unit for that. I do. You can just put it in a book somewhere. You went to the storage unit for acid? For one hit of acid. Just one came to the wall. What were you about to ask before I just interrupted with that Joe slapping story? Um, I don't know, but um, if we saw something Joe, he takes abuse, huh? Well, that's why I couldn't see I had to take the slap down because I have just casually just talked about his torso to him.

And it's got to have been building up for like a year and a half. Yeah. People build up a lot of anger towards me. He does get a decent amount of pussy considering how unattractive. Yeah. Joe. He was saying that you think Mark Norman was a festival hot dick. Joe goes on.

He's going to tell you something. Yeah, Derose. I watch him build his game up over the years. Really? Yeah, and it's all game, dude. He was on stage all like anybody. He was like, he was down to the tip of his nose and he looks at girls with a certain way

and they fucking melt. And I get it. Travis, the tea bird post in used to call him Joe Neroza when we were on the road. Because the conversations he'd have on the phone with girls, which are hysterical. But to be honest, they were all like the I'm drinking melt commercial. One with girls, which are hysterical. But they were all like, the I'm drinking milk commercial.

One day you're going to be sorry. Oh, right, right. We're not. And uh, but that's the thing. He Joe recognized if you want to get pussy, if you just waited out, if you hang out with a girl, two or three in the morning, Joe crushes ass. Not worth it.

Not worth it. I need a girl that's like, I want to fuck you. Let's go back. He's refined his game. And he don't even have to do that. And then go back out again. But he actually enjoys hanging out at a like I want to fuck you. Let's go back He's refined he's Don't even have to go back out again, but he actually enjoys Listen hanging out at a bar and talking to some girl. Yeah, he does Yeah, he'd rather do that than go find like the perfect boots and shit to wear

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, ask her questions that by the way that's it sells one I'll talk about it bitch what's a big deal No, if you want to get a chicken bed just keep on asking her questions anytime I've been on a date That's the trick right there is like if you're right I wasn't just in 40-year-old virgin and you're remembering that as a thing that's worked I was your committee It really wasn't 40-year-old Just came on basically. No, fuck dude. Oh shit. That's why. Oh fuck.

How was your uncomfortable weekend with your girlfriend in Austin, in Muntab? I wasn't uncomfortable. Oh, it was fine, yeah. Oh, that's cool. She warmed up eventually. Yeah. Yeah.

Which, oh, why did you get the vibe? She was weird. It was just like, she's also conscious. Oh, first day she was like, she was really buddy. Yeah, she wasn't on anybody you get the vibe she was weird? It was just like she's also Body so she didn't talk and she's like everyone thinks I'm retarded. I'm like, doesn't matter Well, look man, you've got to if you bring your girl there she has to you got it like it's almost like you got to be Responsible if they don't anybody that's a bad position put yourself in I would never bring a girl who didn't already know a bunch of I've done that in the past. I've brought girlfriends the festival. Yeah, yeah, so I mean You've been dating her. Well like six months. Oh, okay

Just not a comic copy. I thought she did good for not anyone like no one you know, I mean like yeah I was worried about I wasn't aware that anyone was judging her behavior. Oh, we all were. Oh, yeah. We, that is like a starting point. That's what he was paying attention. You know what I mean? At least you didn't think what she butts in with horribleness

or every time a conversation that everyone stopped and like, you didn't get attention. Did she do that? No, she didn't do that. Oh, yeah, she didn't do that. She just stayed silent. I thought she was mute. Did she mute?

No, she's not mute. Okay, that's good. She has like a horrible day job. So I was What's her day job? She's like a social worker. Crazy people. She works with a small house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. She's the kill cows. Did you guys have a good time there? Yeah, yeah, I mean I had a good time And then as long as she's just nodded work, yes, a good time. She works in a baby animal slaughterhouse. Yeah, she's just real fucking cabs and mad. But we do it to these animals, babies. Just throwing pigs into a grinder.

Where? The taser's got fucking slow. And I'm feeling. I'm feeling. I'm sorry, kid. You got a rough day at work. That's what a fucking bisming. That was his last job, like his day job.

He was working a slaughterhouse and just having to just fucking kill animals Like it would that would just give me nightmares dude having to having to Do you think abortion doctors take it home with them? What you mean the fetus? No, like like Sanctuary against the law are the thoughts Yes, I do do that if the people are specializing in that, I think it kind of, you know, gung holes. Decentrized out. Well, they did like this is a thing people should be able to do so they got to kind of believe in it. Is that all they do is just like that guy?

Right. Right. Not only that, it's not like there's one guy who just, it's like the, like the slaughterhouse the guy with the air gun. It's not like that. There's like, you do another doctor squeegees up the blood. I'm a squeegee man at the abortion house. But it's a good betties with abortion. It's pretty crazy how late they let you give an abortion. What's the guy's name from that from no country field in New York's

Sagar? What if Bush? Yeah, wait, Anton Shagor. Yeah, the guy from no country. I'll be Anton Shagor at the abortion. Yeah, with the thing and put my teeth on. Flip a coin. I've been here. He just gives you a nice. Anton's you're at the abortion clinic with the big and put my teeth all head flip I have a brain you're a giant in here and he just gives you a nice well it's worse than the

slaughterhouse is the guys that work in the chicken that where they make eggs yeah and it you don't even have to kill the birds you just have to jam them into the cages that's not worse that is I think it's more cruel than just I mean if you like you like an animal with the way they kill pigs and cows and shit they just you know they bought the video of a slaughterhouse i mean it's pretty fucking brutal you not do that please why do we i we know it's bad and you also a video of abortion and super

close inside by side come on come on we can't at the bedding hillmills disagree what can you call can you bring them aboard a slow motion abortion to the song in the arms of an angel? Look, let's do the purple rain. Prince Tyde last week.

Let's agree that all those things are murder and we just need them anyway. Do you know how they killed dogs with what he dogs? How? I don't want to. So in Karate, if you get to death with a newspaper. That's so funny. So apparently, when you kill Venison, you gotta kill a clean, because if it released any adrenaline,

it's at all gaming. Dogs are the opposite of that. So what? So you have to beat on them for about an hour. Get them all adrenaline up and then kill them. And it makes you vlog me taste better? Yeah. That's crazy.

What do you find? Wait, where did you learn this? On chat. In China. Where's crazy. What do you find? Where did you learn this? On China. In China. Where were you in China again? Where? Oh Shanghai.

No, it was the name of the city. Shanghai and then it's Beijing and then Hong Kong. Well, how did you find it to be? Amazing. Yeah. I loved it. Oh, okay. So was everybody like just rocket shitting everywhere?

There were some people, plenty of people shitting on the ground. How is the air? Is it fucking stupid? I never got to the point where I could really see it, especially from L.A. Everywhere there were some people plenty of people shitting on the ground. How is the air is a fucking Never got to the point where I could really see it especially coming from LA. I never got that but people have How small you to oh look look at this cow I can't look at this guy look at making donuts Fuck you dude

Some as bad as I thought it was that's actually way better than I don't want to see that shit I got a skull boy you faggot Jesus Who's got the gun? The chink danna that's not fucking is that a race they're not even people. That's good point who we've been agenda Who what yeah, I wouldn't have I didn't cosine on calling it up get the abortion ones You ever see those videos of those We'll have wings a little bit. So let's all let's all settle down. Hey, when is the video coming out?

When is this podcast coming up two weeks two weeks from now? Yeah, wow All right, can't talk anything Eventi oh nothing at all. I see all fucking generic topics. You guys have a date throughout the right of the gates Dates from from two. Yeah, May 13th guys. Legion of Sanctus presents Louis Shagom is Dave Smith with special guest Dan Soder at the Hustle Club in Detroit. Come out guys. Hey, what do you fight that guy? I don't know yet more I'm a Friday May 30th. I'm fighting a purple belt and presenting you Jetsu. Why cuz he challenged me and I accept anybody's challenges really so we're You tackled me into answer big James. I'd challenge you to hang yourself Nobody calls me yellow

That's he. You got any dates? Two weeks from now on. I'll be in San Francisco this week. This week it comes out. March 14th. I think we in Toronto host in Anthony's show. Okay. May 3rd or 5th.

All right. That was last week, guys. Yeah. It was awesome. Yeah, that's not going to get it in time. Wow. All being San Francisco, the punch line check out already the great dot com for tickets. And then my story tell us shooting shooting another season, May 23rd week. So check my Twitter for tickets. Okay. Moan, I'm with you in Arkansas. You were me in Arkansas. It'll be

a pet before this comes out. Two weeks. Well, anyway. Yeah. Yeah, you guys watch lemonade. What's lemonade the new Beyonce? I think Beyonce joint shot up. No, no, so she's mad at Call it up. He's a picture of abortion. Yeah You guys are getting a boy. She's getting an abortion Yeah, Beyonce. Watch us let the cows throw it. Yeah, I'll say C section video Put on that illuminati video. It's all about it's all about Jay-Z cheating honor Yeah, but you know she's let the cows throw I see section video Put on that illuminati video. It's all about it's all about Jay Z cheating honor Jay Z cheated on her Yeah, I guess so no, what she has to make a video I'm so talented. I don't see why you have to cheat on me. I'm so talented. I'm so talented

I'm so beautiful and I want to write fucking wait, do you know that this is about that for real? Or this is just like a thing? No, I've seen people mad about it so that I I don't want to be a video. She made some in a movie along with it. He appears in one of them as like I'm sorry. Yeah, this is to like all women that Everybody needs more than one like this. Yeah, I mean, this is their fucking goddess right now. Yeah, in fact I think I'm saying for someone hold on wake up. Would you say I'm right or wrong about this? She's now the goddess of women more than Oprah. She's new Oprah to all-

She's still Oprah. Oprah won off regular TV, right? Because I think Beyonce's new Oprah in that every white and black woman I know is, oh yes, Beyonce. Yeah, they all love Beyonce. I don't get it. I'm not that hot. I'm just that hot.

I don't think she's that hot. She's got Jeff A. She's got thighs the size of your head. Yeah. That's fine with me. No, she's no look She's hot for a normal chick by by celebrity standards. Yeah, I have a hundred women ahead of me on the side I don't see section of scar up. She does yeah, how do you know that? How do you know they shit? It's because of the fucking video. It's like the video has her see I can see section of scars one by one. She's talking to Rachel Roy. Did it? And then everyone...

Hold on, this video has all that in it. It was Rachel Roy, but everyone thought it was Rachel Ray, so all Beyonce's fans started shitting on Rachel Ray. Yeah, the internet justice police went out. I'm showing you Rachel Ray. No, I'm seeing she's new opera. Wait, wait, wait. What happened with Rachel Roy? If I first saw her, I was willing to kill.

Yeah, so it's it. You're right. You're right, Metzka. I think you're right. What happened was she goes the girl with a good hair. You stole my, oh, that's who fuck Jay Z. And it was Rachel Roy. Oh, I got it. Rachel. Can I see Rachel Roy picture? Yeah, it's a Rachel right? Yeah, it's a people of Rachel right. And then they just start. They have been raised. This is happening. This is a short, chubby fucking old house. You fucking bitch, you home record. And she's like, whoa, whoa whoa what did I do now I want to see Rachel Roy I should look hot yeah yeah dude all day wait wait not all day no oh my god I like her better than Beyonce I get it are you

kidding me way harder than Beyonce see your body I came in a new body I saw even a thing of better Beyonce it would be better it would be great to fork her and then just go back home to Beyonce that seems pretty ideal Was just dog shit have you ever seen the woman the house key keeper that shorts anager fuck Bastard kid no, yeah, total in a total recall these they modeled her in the beginning They go what kind of woman do you like it was the Mexican maid? Yeah, yeah in the beginning they go what kind of woman do you like it is the Mexican made yeah yeah yeah uh...

she does this this should poke a hole in that being hot like as biancé perfect like what's better than having biancé biancé in this other bitch yeah exactly don't you just eat that's what they don't get it's like it's there's no reason to try that hard and then leaves the last time is like isn't the most talented singer in the world and a beautiful woman enough and it's like well no that's why he cheated otherwise he's jazzy that was like you can getting anybody I think he cheated on her a while ago he cheated on her is all he cheated on just right now yeah to think that's the only time is ridiculous to think a powerful hot dude like that I'm sure she's his

I'm not powerful or hot and I can't turn to him probably yeah exactly hey one of you guys let's tell it some cheating stories as long as we're talking about this. Oh, I'll tell you I got plenty Who's got some she's Yeah, Lauren was with her husband for like 10 years. She's never cheated. Are you married? Well, she she be telling cheating story All right, let's go in line Lauren will get back to you, but we're gonna have to call you You're gonna have to make what we do okay let's, all right, let's go in line. Lauren will get back to you, but we're gonna have to call you. There's the only woman in here. You're gonna have to make what we do. Okay. I want to go first.

I'll tell you one. I'll go in my, in my mind that I always, that sticks out. Yeah. Yeah. With, uh, Mr. Prattell, we're gonna call you to, oh, cool. I maybe have already said what excess was. What? What? Okay, let's, let's do it. We need a cheeseburger once. I think this is still feeling well. So, okay living on the upper side but did she play harmonica while you were fucking somewhere on the other room no no I was I was playing I was living on the upper side by the comic strip enough said okay I wasn't living

there yeah I'm sorry this my ex live there okay and I think that's about to move back in with her where we're getting back together some shit okay and so I was staying there while she was gone and she had an air mattress. I know the story. There's a great story. And so I was playing. I was, and it was a long time, it was my first guy on the comic strip. And one night it was a Friday and this family just imploded in the audience over the course of the night. They just got drunk and felt that from somewhere it makes South Carolina, I think. And Patrice just was like talking to the mom and dad. Like they were fighting and then Patrice was on stage.

And he just like broke their family down even further from the stage. I don't know what, what, he just does this whole thing with the mother and father of this girl. So she's outside drinking. And I would always, because you could drink for free there. So I was, that nice drink a lot there. So I'm drinking tequila with this girl.

Yeah. Who's the girl in the family? She has. She's their daughter daughter. Her parents are fighting in the showroom. Embarrassed. They must be embarrassing the shit out of her right now. And so she was maybe about my age.

I were a little younger. Okay. And it sounds hot. Yeah. We were drinking tequila and she was and so meanwhile, her Jesus met mocking her mom and dad I leave with her and I take her to my ex's while not my extend, but I take her to her apartment your girlfriend's apartment. Yeah Well, she's out of town so I'm gonna bang her on this air mattress. Yeah, also balsy

It's an air mattress that she borrowed from some men's question. Does that turn you on in a weird way a little bit that you're being so deviant? No, not at all. Were you worried about a neighbor seeing that? Not only did it not. Okay. No. No, you are. Nobody cares about their neighbors.

Oh, yeah. I thought Oscar the Grouch and Snuffle up his. Because he was on Sesame Street. So fucking, so we, so I open the the door then I get her key stuck in the door I can't get the fucking key out of the door the outer door of the of the building, okay? Yeah, I can lock the door. No, I can't leave. She has this outer door You know those ones that you can't like replace. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have to go through management. It gets stuck in the door I'm like

Trying to end then I don't know what to do and I'm drunk. So I just leave it there. I'm gonna go inside and do a book Okay, so uh so no, don't turn me on only did I feel guilty, but I was drunk as fuck so my dick sucked In fact the first time I ever got whiskey dick in my life Well the first time alcohol ever was like oh shit this what happens if a mechka whiskey dick is still twice as good as my hard dick It's only hard like a young sapper. It was worth it. My dick. So I was like kind of getting it up. It's kind of an no-con of at that point.

No, no, no, you can't. That's the problem. Are you cheating me or kind of like what? I'm a whiskey dick, you can't. Oh, I can get it in this trouble. No. So I'm starting to say kind of, man, she keeps going oh Chuck fuck me

Chuck and I go I kind of nice nice I kind of mash in or a little bit I kind of like half-soft Just come on her belly Sock did you and then I fell asleep now I pass out You fell asleep right there with her? Yeah, then I wake up and I passed out. You fell asleep right there with her? Yeah, then I wake up and I just start puking into the toilet. With her? With her still there?

Yeah, her asleep. I'm like, oh, I just wake up wretching. Like for hours. I wonder if my ex was doing a while, where she, I don't know where she went on a trip, but wherever she was, there's no way she was imagining that's what was happening. You know, apartment. I just fucked all of his matches and now I'm puking and you know, I want you to stay in my bed while I'm gone.

So hold on. So then she, uh, so this girl wakes up and she goes, I think I got my period on your mattress. Oh, that's. I had a black sheet on it. OK. And I was like, trying to find where she got her period.

I'm like, oh, there's nothing. I don't know. I don't know. It was, it looked clear. So, uh, or yeah, oh, there's nothing. There was nothing. I don't know. It looked clear. So, yeah. So, I put the matches back, then I left, and the key was fucked up. I had to figure out the fuck to do about the case.

So, I somehow tracked down the super because it was missing now. It was gone, somebody took it out. Yeah, it was the super. Thank God. I go, oh, yeah, the key got stuck in the door and whatever, he glared at me. I got it back, thank God.

I think I had been planning to wash the sheet or I don't know what it was that I had to do before she got back. But I managed to get there in the nick of time and do that is what I remember okay. So then I moved in and it was all fine the months later okay when we're living there she got a bed so there's air mattress she she went to give it back and she goes I was gonna give it back but I saw there's this big blood stain on the air mattress. This months later I've done forgotten about even doing this and she goes yeah I want to to give it back, but I saw there's this big blood stain on the air mattress. This month's later, I've done forgotten about even doing this. And she goes, yeah, I want to put the air mattress away.

There's big blood stain. I go and doing for a second, I was like, oh, fuck, like, and I went, when did you get your period on the mattress? She goes, I don't know. That's never, and holy shit. And the other day, it was getting better. You just made her feel bad. You're such a pig. I can't believe you do that.

She just assumed she got heavy periods. So she just assumed it was her. I mean, she'd ruined some cages and shit before. So with blood. You were just sitting there. She yeah, just sucks. But I remember when my friend in high school walked in, this chick Cecilia, she got a period in the middle.

So there were some dinner parties we could never go back to. The chick that I knew in high school got a period in, too. He moved into a room I was living in. Nick always asked me if I know some awful named guy I've never heard of. They're all fake stories. Shake white cotton. That's a big, big name. I don't know what the most native name I can think of. Well, he moved into a room.

Well, you know Joe Stats. I don't know. Joe Stats. One more time. Give me another one. I feel like there's a mafia name. Yeah. Well, he was moving in shoes.

He was moving into a room I had lived in. And there was just a match was that came with the room. And I had a black sheet on it. And Jay was moving in. The last thing I did in the room was like take the sheet off the bed. Pull the sheet off the bed. And. Hold the sheet off the bed. And I was like, yeah, great. It's all yours.

And it's just filled with blood. Oh, all over the room. I've borne a girl in Denver once. It's Asian girl. And we were doing it. And then I went to the bathroom. I saw just blood all of my face. Oh, yeah.

She had a heavy period. That's all I was doing. Whatever. Did you have a beard? That's a more in killer. Yeah, probably. So I slept on the other side of the bed, you know, it was a king size I just slept in the other side of bed and then I woke up

But I just kind of put them the covers up like a little mountain down the middle and then red band came in They was sitting on one side of the bed the next day for like 10 minutes. We were talking and then he like Saw Just saw this still still wet puddle Cheating stories mall and you're up. Oh, I guess this weekend in Montana I don't know what you that this one time I cheated on my girl. No, come on No, there was one time and it's I don't know if it's a Yeah, so I was dating this girl and she

Like ruined the game of Katan. I was playing with my friends and I was already drunk So Let me try to name all Chris his hands movies. It's like Persian game of wisdom Everyone does their best go boy impression yeah you never play okay it's a boy it's great it's a board game it's like resource management uh it sounds great yeah it's I mean it's it sounds people you know worse than I do know the game yeah it's a lot of fun parents thought of that side of this a violin we both do it's both

yeah no she came over she was like demanding to play Katan and who who just some girl yeah yeah I'm not gonna name who was but was a comic yeah how long ago is this just like six years ago six years ago give us names doesn't matter so I got angry and I was like all right well I'm gonna go out to eat honor and then we went out to a bar and I got blackout drunk and then I go back to this girl's place with this other girl. And then I blacked out. So I mean, I wake up in her bed with just like my pants around one ankle.

See, we're raped. Yeah, I was raped. Oh, yeah. You can do your Metzka laughing. I'm going to be raped. But no, I do remember I like, I wake up in the morning and I'm like oh shit I guess I cheated on my girlfriend and then the girl goes well happy birthday to me I guess and that would have that happen to be her birthday.

Did I wish the rules were like do you imagine a guy did that like you grow wakes up the next one she's black out her pants around her ankles and the guys goes happy birthday to me I guess yeah I mean that would be a fucking on the cover of a uh... Well it was more defeated than that I didn't do the wine right then. It wasn't like I won. I'm a birthday to me I guess. Just a point like that.

Like fuck another shitty birthday. Yeah. I've cheated so many times. Yeah I was gonna eat all of this fucking. I should have called on you in between every single one of us. Yeah, I mean, I used to just cheat. I don't, I used to, it used to just turn me on to cheat. I cheated on girls when they were sleeping,

like in the hallway while they were sleeping in my fucking layer. This one check, she was sleeping on my couch and I was like, I hope she's not there. I hope she's out with her friends. And I came home with this fucking little black chick. And I was like, we went in, I turned the key she was sleeping on the couch I was like oh shit, I close it. I was like I can't bring you inside my girlfriends in there and you were

Guys, but the chicken said fine. Yeah, I just fucked it the hallway. Yeah, yeah, fuck it in the hallway of your building The floor what floor is first floor. Oh my god. Anyone can come by. Yeah You like that shit though. I love I love public shit. I love you know it is dude I'm a sexual deviant so I love just kind of fucking doing the things that I can maybe get in trouble for I fucking a cop car once no Was it a cop no? That be hot though. It's just someone else that got arrested. He said put your hands Right and they fucked no, I just like this check. I was like there's a cop car. Let's just go fuck on top of it

She was like just some wait just it you sounds like a penthouse letter with this was some of you Yeah, I was like before I just Let's fuck on a cop car But I used to sell comedy The other convinced girls to fuck outside and like bathrooms at McDonald's all the time We write that if you sell comedy tickets in the street you can sell anything that's it by the way That's how I met hurt mexico wrinkle the brown. The first day I sold comedy tickets mexico was it was our both Of first day day job that's how I met right after September like we were doing what we try to work

This is a user. I try to get a job selling comedy tickets, right? For the first day so the first day and it was for somebody in New York comedy club, like that company that was working on it. New Genesis marketing solutions. Haha, that's right. And, uh, and Lewis. And you? And you?

And Lewis, uh, was like, fat or had a cowboy hat? Cowboy hat, lip ring, nose ring. Yeah. And, uh, he was real, like, you were kind of rivery, I remember thinking. Yeah, I had UFO pants as well. That's right. I was all over the place. It was like, remember like those, uh, those, they've been around the world. There's piece of paper you could just, like, interchange the outfits on people. It's like, I was all over the place. It was like you remember like those guys that been around the world. There's a piece of paper you could just like interchange

the outfits on people. It's like I just think you're the insane guy. Posse went the worst way. Picking up everything did look like a juggle. Oh, so fucking Lewis is very good at telling tickets. Day one. I was so bad at it that the one ticket I sold the girl came back and just didn't want it. She like changed my mind. I was like, at it that the one ticket I sold the girl came back and just didn't want it Should I change my mind? I was like okay Metzger made $5 for an eight-hour day of work and he ended up from the money to people were but were Looking at me with a dirty look and then giving the exact amount of money for the tickets to homeless people next to me Guys selling nothing, but we were on the same corner We just smoked cigarettes all day together and And then Metzger disappeared, he never came back.

I became like the best at selling comedy club tickets. And Metzger just fucking disappeared. And then like two or three years later, like we ended up like, I started producing shows and that's how I knew Metzger already. You introduced me to Big J, people, it was like, you're seeing all these people. It was a real great expectation story.

I would think of that reference. Charles Dickens, great expectations. I don't really know well enough to get the joke. Well, wow. I did. I keep forgetting. I can't solve you fake. I fake last. I keep forgetting you just look like a professor. You actually don't know any. I just never regret. Professor No Charles Dickens. Oh, apparently. Children. Professor Metzger. You didn't have the children's illustrated classics. We didn't take. We didn't read all the books everyone else took, because we were busy reading like,

high and po-talk books too. Oh, I forgot you were not- For not a lot, bud. Like, juice, cool oil, cherry potter. Yeah, yeah. You just put it up. Like, this is technically a plastic, you know?

It's beauty, so. Yeah. All right, then an owl. Hog shorts. You take hog shorts. I can't. Yeah. That's where they sent you over to pick up the students to Shog Schwartz. That's the name of the episode.

Yeah, so we were at the dead Hog Schwartz. That's what we were at the dead Hog Schwartz. Um, um, Deepak Chopra, you're up. Who do you think you got for cheating stories? I've only cheated once, but it was to lose my virginity, so that kind of justifies it. A little bit. Yeah, I was like, I only cheated once,

but it was to lose my virginity. Is that what you said? Yeah. Well, you hadn't yet met the woman that your parents were on range of your marriage with, so that doesn't count. Also, it's not like you did that with your girlfriend, so then it's like, well, I mean, we didn't do that. She wasn't put in a fuck it.

So yeah, you had a girlfriend? Yeah, I was dating this Indian girl, and we did this. She wasn't put now fuck it. Yeah, I was you with you had a girlfriend Yeah, I was dating this Indian girl and we were kind of just taking it really easy gross Yeah, I was about to say gross. It's just like I was dating my mom a little bit So it really did feel weird like I didn't even want to have sex with her. It was your aunt Guys don't laugh that's okay in his culture Is it I don't think it is. I don't know fucking our ants. Yeah, I think it's okay in some religion Depends on the religion I think okay go ahead. Yeah, but uh, so yeah, we weren't like we she was just giving me like just Awful hand jobs and was just really basic stuff

But uh, there was a girl in biochemistry who was sitting next to me high school college college. I was 20 at the time Biochemistry, I don't know how that in high school. Are you? Well, if you're smart, they do. He went to hot shorts, isn't it? We had a dance Talmud, yeah Or he was in AP Pindy counting So I was sitting next to this girl on biochemistry and she kind of like telegraphed that she was into me She had this page in her notebook that just had my name on it over and over again. Oh, that's a good sign Like I psych it. Yeah, really get that level of sign

That's crazy. That's that's a little crazy Is a white check no, this was a Mexican girl. Ah kind of like a weird face, but I'm still better than Indian man Yeah, the old country down of all parts weird face but I'm still better than Indian. Yeah, the old country down of Alpazzo. Deep heart fell in love with the Mexican girl. She was very sexy though. She had a lot of lingerie. She was wearing sexy stuff.

She's in class. That's opposed to the Indian chick. Oh, Alpazzo. So what she said to you? The Mexican or the Indian? The Mexican. We just arranged to have a study thing. We just met up in a library and then

uh, so we're hanging out and then she goes to the bathroom and then she comes back and I just say, Hey, I found this page in your notebook that had my name all over it. And she just gets really tense. That's when they kill you when you find out you fucking idiot. All working no play. I didn't think women actually did that. Like to practice what have sex with Indian people? He just said that.

He's go. A lot of women are pretty fucked up, so. Alright, yeah, cousin to it. We take a week and get. Dude, there's billions of them. Someone's fucking them. Well, we keep within the tribe. We don't really.

Well, he's also particularly handsome for an Indian guy. Well, my cousin, because my cousin is all these hair all these Harry Christianists So my cousin married an Indian girl from some town. It's like a matriarchy like all and it's because they all like Three thousand religions or something. I don't know. I wish I can remember what they name it. Thank was but they fuck Chimchom did you remember the when you've getting to fights when you were little did you guys like dance fight? Yeah, a little bit We put some shoulder in. Alright so this girl you say I see all that my name written on your notebook. And then she gets a little tense. She doesn't know what to say. And then I just lean in for a kiss, a boom for doing that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, deep boo. And then uh, I just like, hey you want to go back to my place? Was your best friend Van Wilder proud of you? Do you want to go back to my place to top of the cheap like an onion? Hey I'm about to not get it. I'm not going to accept it as this frater? Do you want to go back to my place to top of the cheap like an onion? Hey, I'm about to not get accepted to this fraternity. You want to go by. You're at the top of my place

and you're like, yeah. So you took it back to your place? I didn't tell you I was a virgin. I literally, I literally take my dick out and say, hey, say hello to my little friend. You know what I think you told her you are a virgin It was off I put on Barry white. Oh, I just I did all the cliches, you know I thought I had to hit those buttons and she was like what are you doing?

See you want your Virginia to bury white. Yeah, wow Yeah, I know I'm not proud of it But yeah, and then I told my girlfriend she was upset you told her yeah Did nightly you die I'm not a good liar you could have married that one Ask you you didn't have to lie that was a no lie situation, but I wanted to kind of break it up So I was like hey listen I break up with her no, she's just go hey, you know I'm not feeling anymore. You don't need to break up as well.

You ever tried to break up with a girl that wrote your name a hundred times? No, you're not. She's not your head. No, you missed the, yeah. You missed half the search, you just want a phone call. That's what I cheated with. Oh, that's what I cheated with.

Yeah, so how did she take it, the girlfriend? Oh, she was just all distraught, because like, she had this thing in her head like, we were going to get married. This is like the real deal. Hold on, hold on a second. Play that video of the copping slaughtered again back

Dude fuck her. She really gave me a job. Yeah, I know so what it was you try to work it out. She tried to save this Oh, she tried to save it, but I was just and she was still in dude Yeah, what is that? What was she fat for you? She's a little chubb chub. Yeah, that's why it's a fact check I had the same thing happen with the other girl like she caught me walking back home from the other girl's house She was driving to work and she's like are you coming from? You want to quick enough to think of a lot? No, she's a trail of pussy. I didn't I mean, I'd like very publicly cheated on her in front of all of our friends Yeah, everyone oh really? Yeah, everybody are there was like maybe nine people we know watching me

Oh, that's definitely everyone. It's definitely gonna get out. Yeah, so she at a bar. There was like maybe nine people we know watching me. Oh, that's definitely going to get out. Yeah, so she I did it because like, where was it? It's in Austin. What are you matter? I said she ruined my game of coutan with my friends. She came in and was demanding. Is that why? Yeah.

I thought you would throw back? No, I was serious. Was that? So you cheated on her to get back her room? You were bored again. Well, I mean, things were going bad in general. But I mean, I was serious was that so you she wanted to get back to her room You were going well, I mean things were going bad in general, but I mean I was very drunk too So I made sense in my head at the time But yeah, she caught me walking back and then she was like, you know

She turned the car around and came over to my apartment. She's like, were you coming from and I was like I was over I like crashed at so-and-so's place. She's like, well, what were you doing over there? I'm like, I don't know and she was like, well, where'd you crash like on the couch? I was like, no, and she was like in her bed and I was like, yeah Even if I don't want to be with a chick anymore, I would just lie my n think this is just like a lot You don't want to have it over you She did she did yeah, she was like, well, what do you mean you slept in her bed? You, she, you know what I was like,

I don't know, I blacked out and remember. She was like, the old excuse. Yeah, she's like, well, if you blacked out and didn't remember, your first thought would be, no. You should have said it. I mean, I blacked out, but I didn't know. You should have said, here, sniff my dick, you tell me.

Well, I kind of didn't want to be in a relationship anymore at that point, but that's the shitty shit you do if you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Yeah. The third girl that I fucked, she thought she was the second girl that I fucked. I don't lie. I told, I just never told her that I had fucked two chicks. You're like, I only fucked one girl and then a dickhead. I thought I was the second girl you fucked. But that was my story. I was like, I thought I was the Buzz Aldrin. I was like, he's next to the guy. Now I find out. I'm the Apollo 15, are you pulling your dick out, Ari?

No. I have to ask you because you've been known to do that. So, wait, who is she? The third girl I fucked in, it was in high school. I had fucked two other girls, and she thought I had only fucked one other girl. So then I told her that she was a third girl. I fucked.

She started breaking down crying because she thought she was a second girl And then I was like, well, I don't really know if I fucked another cuz I was black out drunk You turn about I think back Oh, I don't know They said your reaction I'm gonna I'm just a liar. I don't know dude. I just lied Wait, what kind of sad fucking girl is clinging to the belief that she is the second? Well, she lost her virginity. It was Jay Guma

So what is she like? What lost her virginity and it was Jay Gument so what is she like? what's her math? I don't know. I guess it's not that bad because it was only one fuck away. I had to go get mad at everyone I was married and then I was dating some other chick, you know? We had another relationship and this other chick was fine.

You know, we were in love and stuff, but then she heard I was fucking somebody else and she got really mad at me. So you're fucking a third person? Like do you want me to be bi-hoggamous? Is that what you said your goal? You know I can't live with binogamy. Man just wasn't meant to be binogamous. All right, Catherine.

I'm taking 20, 25. That was the argument. No, you don't know anybody's names. What is it, Laura? Lauren. Lauren. OK, you're up. So I had a high school boyfriend.

And at the time, yeah, so there was this. When I was like in sixth grade, he was a senior. He was like a star quarterback. Wait a minute, a senior in high school. This is the first time you were like in sixth grade. He was a senior. He was like a star quarterback. Wait a minute, a senior in high school. This is the first time you were like 11 years old. No, no, no, no. So he had graduated and moved on. And I was like, what?

So what? Time out. Slow the fuck down. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You were in the sixth grade. No, no, no. I was 16. OK.

You said sixth grade. She was in the sixth grade. He was like in high school. So you started to look up to a man. Right. So he was a hot dude that you OK you started to look up to him then. Right. So he was a hot dude that you, okay, I get it now. So I turned 16, I was at a party at the house. By the way, this is why Mariah Carey is married to Nick Cannon

because when he was young, he looked up to her. Yeah, he can't get into his head. She was married to Nick Cannon. And, she's a scarecrow. Scaircrow's aren't fat. Whoa. Good one. Anyway.

Not coffee in my lab. Lewis is given the bomb, Kyrchiv. So I had a boyfriend and he was hitting on me the whole night and I was like, I cannot let this opportunity go by and I'll hit up with this dude. But right now he's just some local yokel. There's no like opportunities. He's like losing his hair already. He's just some fucking nothing to work opportunities. He's like losing his hair ready. Yeah, he's he's just some fucking nothing to work

A fat bull He scored four touchdowns in one game of okay I see no problem here. So we lived close by each other. He's like all right. Let me walk you home So I'm like okay, I love those like when you were 16. Yeah, I was 16 He was 22 23. Yeah, I love those like we both know it's gonna happen. Let's not say it outright. I'm gonna walk you to your car. But how were you like an adult looking 16?

Like you don't look very old now. Show me a picture of 16. How old are you now? I'm 29. Are you looking young? So prove it. Show me your vagina. But like spread the lips really.

How good. You count the runs of vagina to see the reach. That's how I count Lewis is fucking dick the different different shades of brown it's amazing the different color levels of Lewis is really it's amazing it was taken off for a second my dick looks like like a meter in Mortal Kombat I was a power on the back of the crash I don't know why your teeth got

two months amazing dark streak around his ass White your teeth got There's amazing dark streak around his asshole. Yeah, it stands well into the cheek. Oh really? Yeah, it's wild. No, I'm not going my dick out. No, we'll put it on camera I don't know if I had a big dick. I pull it you have a big dick so you love pulling your fucking It's soft. It's not It's not Soft dick. It's pretty decent. It's not it's not I've seen under three inches soft always that's okay. That's pretty decent. It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not

It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not

It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not

It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not in soft, it's just fucking little. Nah, it's longer. A little punk. All right, listen. Anyway, so go ahead. I'm gonna let her talk about cheating, or listen to you dick stories. Laura, Laura, lie, go ahead. I'm going to get to bed.

Dick's all day. So we got back to the front of my house. It was like two in the morning, and I blew him in the street. Yeah. Oh, you need to block him. No, you just need to come in your mouth. How good it tastes, did you love it? His dick was huge, and I was so happy, so proud. I lied about it. I never told my boyfriend.

We ended up breaking up like three months later, so it didn't even matter, but I mean, someone said that didn't matter. Anything that does make you not marry your high school sweetheart. It's a good move. It's a positive. Actually, kind of hurt me hearing that story in a weird way. Like, this is like, I, there was such a double standard because I'm like, you are such a pig. It did nothing for you. You just a load in your throat from some fucking loser

it's like full more quarterback I was happy I was so excited yeah you made that's a fucking win if you get a guy like that you look to plus you have the shitty thing which yeah I told every yeah shut up what right afterwards I went right into high school the next day I'm like guess who I hooked up with, Motherfuggers. I told everyone that shot. And nobody told the boyfriend. What does the boyfriend do now? I don't know. I think he's a car. He killed himself.

He's a car. See you up. He's got a gun to school the next day. He didn't go to my school. He's a gentleman from that girl, James. He was about to chat with you. He was a cool master. He was real Johnson. He was working at the electronics store. Did you feel like a welcome at it? I felt guilty, but I also did it because I had wanted it so bad for so long that...

His penis in your mouth. Well, some people are like, you're weird. Like, they might as well be some fucking movie star in your head. Yeah, right. Those are the moments, too. That's the reason I'm against monogamy. It's like, come on, you've liked this guy for that long, and just because you're with somebody right now

when you have the opportunity to do it, it's ridiculous. Your other person should be like, oh yeah, for sure go for that. Yeah. You know, to the more that I'm allowed to do it, the less I give a shit about doing that too. Yeah.

It's amazing. Like, nothing stokes itcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Spectacularismos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. I was dating a girl and I went to a Halloween party. Got blackout drunk hooked up with a chick. She moved me in the street. Yeah, this is a great story.

No, man. It was baseball, not football, though. So I got away with it, but I remember the morning of the girl was leaving. She's like, I can't find my underwear. So I was just like, I don't know where it is. I thought maybe she didn't wear anything. She was drunk, she didn't remember.

So six months later, we're cleaning out my dorm room. And my girlfriend was there, clouded me, cleaned it out. I was looking under the bed and I pulled it out. And I had, like, right in front of her, and she kind of did what you did. She's like, oh, I didn't know I left my underwear here. And then, I just gave it to her.

And I don't know if she uses it or not. I've used it or not. I was like, I didn't, I first, I was like, at first I was like, oh, yeah, it's a year underwear. But then like an hour later, I was like, it or not. I didn't use it or not. I was like, I didn't, I didn't, I first, I was like, at first I was like, oh yeah, it's your underwear, but then like an hour later I was like, oh fuck, that was the underwear from the chicken. I hope that was the underwear. I thought it was your girlfriend's underwear.

Yeah, at first I was like, oh yeah, it's her underwear. She's getting caught is the better store. I've been caught a bunch. I hear the thing though, like if you were at a girls place and you found boxers, like did you a girlfriend? I do, I do. And you found boxers there. Would you be like, I've never worn these boxers before before these are someone else's boxers or did you be like?

Yeah, these might have been mine. Well depends if they Well, we like see me my girlfriend We used to get drunk and black and she used to leave shit in my place all the time So it wasn't like for her it was like pride. Yeah, dude if they're your brand You know like maybe yeah My fucking haines fucking thigh huggers. Yeah, but if it was like it was like the union jack You know Ben Morrison, uh-huh, so I was bending Cabo recently first time with something like 10 years really what do you look like Prince Umperdick? Look so exactly the same

He used to bone this girl that I wanted to hook up with so oh dude I could have made a career out of all his leftovers really So oh dude, I could have made a career out of all his leftovers really Yeah, it would all get sick of them dude didn't they bang you but I would like kind of cock block it if he could really Yeah, but it was fun. We had a good time that apartment and it's a spider in him and Spider-reco. Yeah, but wait. Why did I just fucking bring that shit up? I had to run to where underwear underwear. Oh underwear. Yeah, so it up. Underwear. Underwear.

Underwear. Oh, underwear. Yes. What's in it? Nick, where are you going? In all the room. So I had just got back on my left with this axe again. This is the same axe that I had cheated on.

I just got back there. So we had just gotten back together. I was really taking it seriously. Yeah. And one of my roommates, Spider, had cleaned up. And he had just picked up a pair of underwear That was so a guest because bad would fuck like these hot euro trash checks that he needed clubs because in all that dance shit So they were always so this this underwear it was ridiculous looking that it was like the most

Frilly like it looked like clown panties. I used to say like and he had thrown in my room and she found them Like who's are these and I had no idea where they came from they were cartoonishly like over sex looking panties I used to say like and he had thrown in my room and she found them like who's are these and I had no idea where they came from they were cartoonishly like over sex looking panties. Yeah, but that's easy if you have roommates or like you know other people like do I have no idea like these sketch about I made a sketch on shooting the clown panties one that's what that's from I'm gonna call it those own pants. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I mean you're a manager. My ex before B I would cheat on like just I would it would do it was any I treated life like I was single. And I mean no, no, no, she caught me cheating. It's like a yolo of our

time. So she treat every day like you're single. She caught me. I was fucking this. She's like no one's watching. I was fucking this 18 year old girl. I was like, it's like no one's watching. She's like no one's watching. I was fucking this 18 year old Jewish girl that worked that so comedy club did. I do not approve. This really hot chick and like she would like, I would fuck her and she'd call me boss in the middle of it.

It was just fucking awesome. It was the best. It was the best. Yeah, yeah. That's great. And would she call you boss? I give it to me boss. She used to sell comedy club tickets for me.

Yeah. And it was a summer between high school and college The summer between high school and college for her it was ridiculous I was like 25 was such a creep. Oh such a creep and this is one of the girls that I would I mean I live right next to big J this one of the girls that were like invite them over to watch me fuck their my window This was very natural girl. She was gonna take over this show. I go masturbate. She was going into college Hold on did you see this the his John Wayne history of having people over watching fuck I used to live in a basement level apartment so anytime I'd fuck a check I'd invite big Jay

That's the worst dog story. Yeah, that's the story, but this is a different check. Yeah, so I was fucking that check I'm a fuck What are you doing? Video games yeah, we'll come over yeah, of course every time come watch me fuck with my dog bark So this chick was fucking smoking I was cheating on this other girl was just fucking white garbage Ended up with those Arabs Errors what yeah, she's a star The end of what those Arabs Errors yeah, she's

Starter Sure working husband now one of my girls. Yeah, Natalie Holloway I don't know to the next time I saw her shit the seller with like to a rabie and guys and it was her husband Ray brother, I don't know how you got married suddenly. We did they have the hats. I know she's ice is bright now Just see you know. She's clearless. I'm gonna write the name. You tell me. I don't want to say it. Okay, that's okay. Yeah. I think she has to be an ISIS now. Let's say. Let's say. Oh, really? Oh yeah. That was a girl that it was sleeping in my living room when I fuck got blown by that black check in my hallway. That was that. Oh, no, she's

not. Oh, she was married. That's right. But she married him for his green card. Oh, that's what they paid her they share tell me that Yeah, you know, you don't you don't you don't you can't say that So she was just hooking up Yeah, yeah, I got a good shop paid like 30,000 dollars something for a green card. Yeah, yeah, so So anyway, I was I was fucking 18 year old girl and this girl started falling in love with me because you're not just fucking me Like you're gonna you're gonna I really thought you fucked her up that bad that she married and I'm gonna be in guy.

So I would, I would, I would AOL chat this girl, and I'd say ridiculous things like, you know, I fucking, I love fucking you so much, but so she saved all of the chats. Yeah, huh? And I was lying about being with this chick, well, it's a long kind of thing in this chick,

but she was like my live-in fucking girlfriend at this point. Wow, that's what this, okay, guys. So I was getting blown by Armando Santé's daughter at the time, a different, I was cheating with another chick at this point. Who the fuck is that, by the way? The only reason I can say it is because

she walked out on a comedy club bill and made me fucking pay it, so she can go fuck herself. I just spelled the Santa. I saw that. I saw that. Yeah, yeah. I was getting blown by his daughter,

she introduced herself. I am a mother. No, that's a daughter, I was I was getting blown by the daughter to introduce herself I am no no, that's a daughter. I don't want to give her first name But you're just giving her dad's name, Alessandra. So what any one of his kids could be this bitch So wait, hold on the one to the one She's the better one so the one is the baby. She had she had small tits and kind of a gut So Katie Holmes look not Katie Holmes the one on the so the one is the Okay, she had small tits and kind of a gut so Katie homes not Katie homes the one on the right the one on the left. So let's age right or so we're getting fucking ABD now Yeah, so she was blowing me yeah, and while she was blowing me my girlfriend text me or calls me And I answered it because I thought it was hot to get a blowjob while my girlfriend was calling me

So I answered and she goes she's like you're fucking the other girl, the 18 year old and I was like, what? So literally, while I'm getting blown by another girl, I got caught cheating because that girl's phone. Oh, you are a scented eyeing at cheating while you're being blown by another girl cheating with another girl. Is that for the cops? You're for Book of Heaven, if I'm talking about it.

You're for Book of Heaven, if I'm talking about it. You're for Book of Heaven, if I'm talking about it. You're for Book of Heaven, if I'm talking about it. You're for Book of Heaven, if I'm talking about it. That's pretty effective. Yeah, I mean, that's the life of a girl. I called that girl right now. Proof to she's not with me. Yeah, I finished. No, I literally went, I went, what? And, I mean, that's the level. I don't know. Call that girl right now. Proof to you, she's not with me. Yeah, I finished.

No, I literally went, I went, what? And then I went, click. I acted like I didn't hear and the phone call got dropped. And then I let her finish. You have the worst excuses to girls. You just like give her the, no respect. Like, nah, I'll hang up on you now. No, but I, for some reason I still denied it.

And this chick, dude, that same chick same chick who was she's just a psychopath Dude when I started dating her she wasn't even my girlfriend yet. She was just like coming around a lot Yeah, I had stand up New York, dude She was there and this other chick had a clip ring and I met her in the crowd And she was kind of hot and I was like how fuck dude? I was like I was like I kind of want to fuck this chick So I snuck to the bathroom with this other girl while my the girl that I was seeing was sitting at the ball The same one is this down the great thing this is the While the girl that I was seeing was sitting at the ball, the same ball in his ass down the great thing.

This is the white trash girl that I was cheating on, getting blown and she's like, I'm a fucking matrix of girls. I would just cheat all over this girl. Hindu God. I was like, dude, so, I went to the bathroom with this chick with the clik ring. Did Marin have a thing?

And I started fingering her in the bathroom. Marin had a thing about he's a Hindu guy who like eats pie and jerks off. I started fingering this girl in the bathroom and the girl that I was seeing the white trash girl Sort of banging on the door because she just watched me go to the bathroom with her Oh, no, and I fucking came out and she left and I kind of she's kind of annoying She was around too much. I was like, I'd fucking let her go. She like ran off then I realized she had my keys I was a little with hailey boil at the time and hailey was squatting

She wasn't paying the rent I found out So she hailey was at a town for like a week and my dog was in the apartment So I had no way to get in the apartment She had my keys over the bike, well, never left. No, this is the dog that raised Lewis Did you get back with that girl because you have to shoot so I had to fucking call up and act nice with her and apologize like crazily, profusely. Just to get your keys back. Just to get my fucking keys back. And it was, I ended up dating that girl for like two years and she was the

bane of my existence. Oh, fuck. She the one that starts trouble you now. Yeah, to this day. That's like out. Yeah, this fucking day, this bitch. I don't know. I don't want to say her name, but she's a fucking just a white piece of garbage.

We'll call her here. Brown. Oh, that one that one like tattoo trashy looking Bro, I'll bring her around. Wait, have you ever cheated on? Have her been cheated. Oh, he has a great story about that what what the fucking jizz on the shirt. Oh, yeah, that's same white trash girl So she have you ever have you ever cheated on a girl and then found out that it was just you fucking yourself and you were also cheating? I'm not realizing. What are you talking about? I don't know.

Did I make any sense? Give me that. Wait, that same girl beat me. Because after she found out you threw time in space, after she found out I am the cheater and the cheaty. Yeah, it's like a terminator in two situation. After she found out I was cheating on her with the 18 year old, we had a weed dealer that she fucked in my bed. Oh yeah, that guy. And he used my shirt to clean it up and I was just a scrub so I would never like do laundry. So I just grabbed my shirt. So she emailed me later on. She

would just say you know you went to a show with Omar's gizz on your back. Did she know you would cheat it before she did that? Yeah this was she bet this is the 18 year old. She was getting paid back then. Yeah yeah. Yeah. Oh best, oh, they don't get paid we're gonna just like oh, well, it's just you know I cheated on you too There's no super chees though Like it was like it just became a bit on the show We have an episode of Legion of Skanks called Omar's just Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got you be called the guy You go to Omar. Yeah, we call Omar on the show. It was fun and friendly for a while then Louis started to get a little mad about it

Well, I was no mad. I mean we bro. I was just kinda like, dude. Oh, I'm gonna get angry. You're shaking, Bond bro. I'm really, I'm, I'm, I was like, I don't know, I'm actually wanting to fuck. Yeah, yeah, we had, it wasn't not a good relationship. And she pretended to be pregnant for four months after we broke up.

She probably didn't even have a sentence. Pretend to be pregnant. Well, that's about the limit of what it's like, you gotta show, show or sorry. Four months is really, that's like extended your unemployment dishonestly. I said Norman told me a story about some girl that she'd on him and he pulled her underwear. They were hooking up. He pulls her underwear off and he used condom falls out.

That's a, that's how, that's how. That's called she wrapped her up. That's called Oki Newdlin. I thought you ever lose a condom in a girl? I thought I'd go and get it with a finger. That's a that's a that's called she wrapped that's called okey noodle in oh I Thought you ever lose economy. I'm a girl. I thought I go and get it with finger. I've burst them And then a piece was in He's break clean of a few times. I just Boston. I mean, then that was stays and then the rest of it disappeared No, I thought you were a pops it just rolls

Rolls that around you got to buy the right size of car It's just a hole and that's close to the top. I don't think you can use condoms. I know that Lewis. You have a son, you know? Yeah, exactly. How many kids have been born? How many kids have been born with a condom getting lost

inside of a girl? You're a fucking broken condom, baby. I had to go find in the shower once I was doing it. Then the condom was gone. I figured it fell somewhere and I was like, I had to late now I'm already you know, so I just pulled out just somewhere and then I was like looking for it And then she was showering you just here. What the? Ew From the shower

Yeah, girls should know we always feel when the condom breaks we feel but we don't know what it is exactly It's like walking outside and a hundred-year weather from an air conditioner. It's like, you fucking feel it. Yeah, but you know some things up. You don't know what it is. If you pretend like it never happens. What's out, yeah.

You just feel like a slap. Like a slap, a little. I think you're right, but it doesn't dawn on you. It doesn't dawn on you. The first time I think you're getting, you just like, you know what, I guess condoms are so bad. Yeah, the first time I did, it's almost just like you know what I guess condoms are so yeah the first The first time I did it's almost like that snapped into place right Fine yeah

The first time I did that I was fucking my girlfriend and I was like oh this feels amazing right now What is this and then I pulled it out and I was like oh fuck yeah condom broke? There had to be a time when you didn't, you know, what? You have to get your brain into condom sex, you know. Jesus Christ. Man, it sucks. So bad.

It's only good to have fun. It's the first time you fuck a church. Can you just use a condom? I'm doing condom sex now. Just use a condom. It's not that simple at all. What do you mean? Well, I have a lot of fucking loss.

Yeah. I rather jerk off with that.'d rather jerk off with him. I'd rather jerk off with him. I'm lotion. What? Can you just say I love you, and you don't need no weight. That's great. I gotta do like where I have a girlfriend,

because I, I, he's an economist much. That's why you have to have a girlfriend? Oh, just like small, a small circle, man. I know what you mean. Lam skin's not bad, but they're like fucking $40 for a condom. That's how you got your girlfriend pregnant. That's not true. They're not reliable at all. You don't use a link really? They're not reliable. Yes, they're not reliable. Then I'm supposed to night. By the way, they built like 70% reliable. We had all that a really a safe job. Look at the number of as a child, they really point to tell you the

lamb skins were horseshit on every level really then you have like sex ed And I'm scared now we do They make lambs can condoms you just little lambs throw a text condom lamb skin will not work like lambs skin Some shit that came out in the 70s when they didn't know about You know how to lean out of research people with hours right time out time out you don't just type in the word Lambskin condom You don't just type in the word, lamb skin condom. Let's see how reliable are lamb skin condom.

And then you go to images. Yeah, I mean, why would you go to images? By the way, how do they feel? Is anybody used to one? I do. Yeah, they're good. If you're gonna use my condom, are they? They're way better than latex.

Does it make you taste like haggis? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Family sells lamb's Connys on this point. I was imagine that they're gonna feel like picking up raw bacon. What? Lamb'skin condoms. Is it actually lamb skin? Yeah. Is it that? Yeah. Ew. I'm gonna cut off your face and wear it on my dick.

And truth about lamb skin condoms. What's the truth? But is this from like, why are we going to Dr. Harryfish.com instead of WebMD or fucking she and she ate all I never really know Lauren is so hot. There's no WebMD. I would rather not. I'm not a Larry. Lam skin versus late age.

Go NIH. Yeah. Lam skin. Do Lansing condoms work? There we go. Yeah, go for it. Go for it. Go for that.

Do you know? Do condoms work. Okay. All right. Let her read it and give us the answer roll Yeah, we'll keep going while you're doing that. Yeah, no, they feel substantially better Or like I use the I mean nothing feels great. Yeah, no, you're right Just sticking it in even if you're like half hard you're like no problem That thing and squeeze the base. She's great

Yeah, I think it squeezed the base. It's just great. Yeah. That's how God wanted it. That's how God wanted it. You can slide it by accident, quote unquote, into the butt. We'll easily that way. I was under the impression that Lam's game

was just an alternative for people with latex allergies. Yeah, it was non-late. Yeah, but I don't know what we'll see. I thought it was like, if you just could not use them or you'd have like hives or something, that's like a key alternative. Yeah, that's right That's what I know for the most part. Lauren. I realize you can't read this. There's going to be a book on phonyx website

Lauren, how do you not have a fucking answer yet? Lauren, I want you to tackle this how reliable Condoms what percentage reliability are they have skin condoms? Have you ever heard of the internet? Connims. Have you ever heard of the internet? Like that condoms against into the mic. You're talking into the fucking mic wire. What is wrong with you? I can't read it. Gosh, can you fucking do this already?

As these, can you please look this up? Holy shit. There has to be a percentage number, right? This is for sure a percentage number. You know, go back, go back. I use a jerk off into condoms. I got my, my ex, I did that to practice so that I'd be able to fuck what she thought I well

You know it is it's naturally lubricated so you kind of get the like the lubes sensation Then you come there's no cleanup. It's fucking great my X I used to just put them in like my cigarette packs and just fucking toss them to the side my X found use condoms And she was just convinced for our whole relationship that I was cheating on this is the white trash one No, this is the girl before her You were cheating, yeah, but you were cheating. Yeah, but not in that instance. Yeah, but that's Have you ever taken like bullshit excuse? I know jacks off in condoms No, I used to for forever cuz you'd get the free New York City condoms when they first came out

They were everywhere and I would just grab a handful of them cuz like dude You don't believe your dumb excuse Confendome you don't you still believe your dumb excuse I'm on excuse. I think you guys are understand the prison ingenuity of this Yeah, you made like a woman you fucking call him in your hand. He's a guy They said lamb's kids do not protect very well against STD's shut up All yeah, why'd you break in with your not a percentage percentage? Because he gave me, I thought it was good. So it's just this print.

I completely forgot that Matt was sitting there. Yeah, me too. Wait, they are just as, but they, yeah. Like they, they are just as well as latex. They do? I thought they don't. But he just said they don't work well against STDs. They don't work against STDs.

But it's not having kids. Well, since I won't wear them, none of this affects me. Well, I don't understand why they wouldn't protect against STDs. They don't work against STDs. Well since I won't wear them none of this affects me. Well I don't understand why they wouldn't protect against STDs. First of all just not being circumcised. If they're going to protect STDs, you know that's for us. Because not being circumcised. I thought circumcision yeah you're absolutely opposite. That's not as in stone as you think it is that circumcision thing you're talking about. Yeah circumcision might it might not be as cut and dry as well. So to speak. I remember reading that too but it was not necessarily.

I used to say that. There's breaks, the my foreskin will break and there's much more likely to have irritation. So that opened you up for HIV and they went into an African tribe and they've also also does that. Yes, chasing it. Yeah, dude, I chafed my dick when I was in LA It was an African drive and just fucked every time. Well, they know they circumcised They circumcised a hundred guys. Yeah, and the AIDS rate it was like in the Congo Where it's like 33% of people have AIDS it may be even more than that in the Congo and then the AIDS rate dropped by like 80%

It was like crazy. So your circumcision is if you're especially if you're If you're like a really shitty, but also because you're a bear, so whether it dicks now, so then we're like, I we don't wanna focus much. My friend said that they're, you know how they, it's more sensitive to be knock circumcised. Yeah. But my friend, you know what I'm talking about,

he's on a comedy, goes, the only way you could tell that is if you like circumcised it down the middle, like a cell, some blue commercial. I could be like, this side feels pretty good. What about this side feels amazing. That's funny. What if... I almost want to know.

That's fucking hilarious. What if you're an adult, what if you got circumcised as an adult? As an adult, that's how it feels way better now. But then you have to have to fuck the same pussy. Well, no, it feels better without circumcision, right? Well, without circumcision feels better. Yeah, they say that. It's joke, is that? A gym painter.

It was like our influence. It retired. I didn't circumcise my kid, and I'm circumcise. Really? Yeah. Also, because you couldn't afford it, and you couldn't even afford food anymore. Doesn't cost more money.

Oh, really? No. Do you know how to off like a conehead? Do you think they fucking itemize? You have insurance. You just go in and they do everything. Oh, OK. Yeah.

No, we didn't circumcise him. I just, I fucking held my kid in my hands and I was like, do there's no way that we're gonna let them put a fucking blade to my kid's dick. You're not circumcised either, right? I am circumcised, you will. My friend just said twins and he had to get it done.

No, one of them circumcised in one of them. Well, he hasn't gotten the second one done yet. The one that he's so painful watching the first one. Yeah, you know, cause it's, He's like, for sure, it's extremely painful. Tell him leave one on one. Yeah. Well, it's so much better. Well, he's saying he's there's no way to explain that to the kid when he grows up. When we like you better. Well, that's how easy way to tell who's who. Yeah, and then be like, Dad, why don't we look different and just turn your back

to go because you're deformed, but not say which one it is. Yeah, dude, my my my my ex, my son's mother, we'll send me all these videos of babies being circumcised, pulling up Lauren. And dude, they strap them down dude, and this baby's losing his fucking gun. Like a con. They can't hold down the baby without straps.

Dude, because, you know the doctors got to use both hands to fucking, dude what they do is they put like a piece of metal into the hole and the the force can comes through around the metal. The dick entirely removed the foreskin and so the dick back. It's pretty brutal. Uh-huh. I was out of breath. Oh shit. I want the things that they they most like.

I want to see. Lauren, full screen it. Oh, it's a black baby too. Yeah. I think they most like I want to see more Lauren's full screen it Oh it's a black baby too We're not real it's see It takes two hours It's gonna take two more minutes right? No, no

I put him in the position You see he's resisting You just gotta Aww Aww Look that's just a low-clan aesthetic You didn't want to see it That's a low-clan aesthetic It looked like blood Look at that just a local anesthetic. It's a local anesthetic. It looks like blood Look at this. Oh, it's just a pinch. No, it's not just a pinch. They slice a baby's dick. Yeah

Look at this like it's shit. I Think you can turn on YouTube. Yeah, oh fuck me dude like ready put that in I think you can try on YouTube. Oh, fuck me, dude. Look, they put that in. That looks like a hell already. Why the go so deep? You're trying to get the head and pull it back up. Listen to that baby fucking Friday.

Yeah, I see a baby cry. You're going to tell me the baby doesn't feel this shit. Yeah, but he won't remember. Oh, this is air, it's crazy. Hold on, but why would you cause your baby this pain? There's no reason to. Wait, why is it needs to just... It causes the same thing to come to the court. No about the record no doesn't hold on the bill of court

I'm made with God already is a fucking retard No, I made it up the bill of court has to go pull it It's like it back Get that sucker He's like fishing for They clamping I think we can mute this we don't need to hear Oh, we know you're hearing that's the point You just want to see a baby's dick being cut you sick fucking Arab

I don't want to see this at all. Yeah, it's I've already come can we move on look? I think you need If you ever kid you should watch this fucking video I think All right, well if I have a kid I'll watch it I'm just ramping it right now. That's just I don't need to start it. Cut it. Get me How long does it take by the way? This is them preheating the oven you watch us show the night. I seen Peter videos, too

And it yet I still there you go. Oh Oh Dude the kids crying anymore. Oh, dude. I feel like he's cutting off way too much hard right now I mean I watched it we watched we watched a boil doing and they where they fucking sucked with the blood a little bit of that's killing Babies in the Jewish community like left and right community like left and right. Left and right. You know what? Left and right. Now that I've seen how cool the instrument's are, I kind of think mouth precision might be okay. Look at that dude. If he used his mouth he could have sucked that little head right out of there without having his bones. I think it looks great.

So what I saw he just kind of like jerked it a little bit for real. He like jerked a little bit to the head appeared. And then he threw the thing. He jerked it a little bit for real like jerk a little bit to the head appeared Yeah, I'm ready rocket Jerk it and then you suck it and you smack it on me. It's a sacred duty Listen to that fucking child To be honest the mic guy always Exactly when they're hungry. That's not true. That's not true Memories of anything until they're like five. Yeah, because it's the only have one way of expressing themselves

Come on, yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now My dick's being so excited. Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah, it cares if he's fine look the bottom line is who's circumcised here? I am yeah, so that's why you're like well fine. Yeah, I had this girl on Twitter really she was like her cause was like anti-circumcision How it's like general mutilation. And she's like it's general mutilation. It's like, first of all, it's not the same as those girls in Africa. Well, if I was not,

beat him up for us. And she goes, and she was like, why won't you weigh in on this issue? She just kept harassing me, harassing me. She's like, you've been mutilated, you've been mutilated, it's child abuse. I'm like, well then why are you attacking me? If I've been mutilated, why are you attacking me?

Why are you attacking the victim? Yeah, because I look at your ugly dick. If she was to help, if she was to help people she should go around gently sucking people's dicks. Yeah, to do. Just to do. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right, shit.

Yeah, that sounds right. It is, I have an out-sheet fan. And the whole time my my chick was pregnant I was like I was I was so adamant about having him circumcised because I was like I'm not gonna have to fucking explain to my kid why he looks different than me. I have a little bit of hippie fag dick and then but then as soon as he was born dude I was like dude there's no way I was like I look at him. What you saw that beautiful dick you said you know what? That's perfect. God has made the perfect. My boy's dick.

You just like not show your dick to your kid. Yeah. No he sees your dick. What do you talk? Yeah, there's no way you can Three how you might he won't let me pee if anytime I pee he wants to come in bathroom with me Sure, you should be able to be decent side to it. Wait, why is kid is thirsty? Why did just because you saw your kid? Will you like him? He's not gonna get circumcised It's just you hold him and you love this little fucking creature and you're like I don't want anybody to hurt my kid and And watch that video. Did he get vaccines? Yeah, and it sucks. It sucks.

He was a hustle. Yeah, but that is literally, there's no reason except for my own aesthetic reasons in my head to get him circumcised. He's getting vaccinated. So I would go the other way and get him tattooed. You know what that means? Yeah, it's a video of that too,

of like a two year old being tattooed. Really? Puerto Rico dude, some fucking dirty spec. It does. Yeah, my people. Put that on Puerto Rico dude some fucking dirty spick. It does Lewis. Yeah. My people put that on the outside. She fucking people in chance. Yeah, she had her fucking baby tattooed. It was crazy. Yeah. Crazy.

First one reason they say that it was like a marketing or something animal because he killed somebody killed his mom and child birth. I'm sure job. He cheated it into. Rules of rules. it's called good Good time deep blue you circumcised no I'm not rocking the hoodie baby let me see it let me see it pull it out Pull it out I'm not gonna show it I bet you got a fucking fat piece if there was no

Say the camera there was no, I'd say the camera. There was no lady here. Where's your camera? We can take it out. Where's the camera? Lauren, turn around. Oh, there is the camera. Lauren, stop, it's just a whore. Put your tongue back in your mouth.

Let's see, let's see what it looks like. I want to see what it looks like. I'm not. Take it out, I want to see a soft, uncircumcised deck. I've never seen one of those. I don't think I'm going to show it, but you know what made me insecure about it.

See, he isn't think. That was a buying sign right there. I don't think I'm going to show it, but you know what made me insecure about it. So he isn't think, that was a buying sign right there. I don't think I'm gonna show it, but come on, let me just see it, you're not on camera, who cares? You know, that's just not my style. Would it help if you touched my dick? No. While you were showing curves.

How would that help? It's a point, I don't know. I'll get you out later. Oh, I think I'll literally do anything else. Besides, you want to show yourself this problem and hot. Oh man, you guys are my asshole? Kind of. Yeah, I'm hot. No, you're telling me what I'm. Oh man. You guys are my ass all kind of You got you got the area who's asshole. You don't want to see Louis J

Never be the Saisles nothing compared to this never want to see this guy's asshole. Yeah For instance, I like the HP Lovecraft With it off. Yeah, it's bad. No more monkey jumping on the bed. He goes he goes It's not he looked at it, he goes, it's nothing. It's a mixture of like a few things. Your asshole should not be a mixture. Because he was like, what's going on? I was like, well, I've been bleeding a lot lately when I should. Your asshole's a mixture of,

he goes, how often? Every time. He goes, how much? Flowing. And he looked at it. Yeah, he goes, it's a mixture of an outside hemorrhoid, a little bit of cancer and an inside hemorrhoid. No, not a little bit of cancer.

Not a little bit of cancer. But both hemorrhoids, I got a of cancer, and an inside hemorrhoid. No, not a little bit of cancer. Not a little bit of cancer. But both hemorrhoids, I got to both now. I got to try effective minus one. You got the in and out. In and out. I heard they never go away, too. Like, I have it forever. Well, everyone has hemorrhoids.

I have hemorrhoids. I have hemorrhoids. It's swollen. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I can tell. I'll show you.

I'll show you. I can tell you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. More of this candid with my mouth. Well, that's the episode you guys. Read that thing right there. Oh yeah, hold on. Guys, it's time for an ad read.

Oh, for what? Should we do every other word? I'll read April and you read is and you read stress, okay, April's just awareness about you guys. April is stress aware of it. I wasn't aware of it. And they're really busy all April and I haven't Really give it you're not aware of your stress this month. I am now that you bring it up

Your solutions well, okay, I'm not gonna read this copy part. This is a fucking ad writer making jokes like we really need Reminding how much pressure we're under every day. Are you supposed to read the exact copy? Yeah, I'm not going to do that though. Anyway, it's for Casper mattresses. Oh, like a nice bed. Have you ever slept on one of those? No. I have. It was pretty good.

Yeah, my friend had it. I slept at his place. It was pretty comfortable. Is it like a drop phone? Drops, yeah, it's two high-tech phones for support of comfort. The guarantees a great night's sleep. Oh wait, so now they do the thing instead of just one space phone. You you know I got one that's like all one kind of phones. Oh you just got a one high tech phone. Sounds like real 1970s should. I know the matches though.

Kirk can you just get through the room. You should go Casper. You know what? Casper like to know what? Casper did me they they were sponsored for me too and they were like do you need a new bed? I like I already have a bed. I just got it but I was like if you want Nick M Mullin, I bet. Why don't we make a little video of setting up a new cast or match? Yeah, I don't do that. Just a single, whatever we're fit. Well, I'm worried I'll get bed bugs again.

I mean, I'm making a choice to sleep on a yoga mat. Oh, well, that's one way to go to the other way is what time magazine named one of the best inventions of 2015. God, they should make a series of commercials around a neck like don't be this My whole life is in black and white and just fucking shit up What's a sheet and pillow situation just nothing? I have a pillow. I hope you learned a lot of kung fu to justify this Yeah, you're the Batman and training you're either a bummer of monk. No, I'm just inventing new slurs for them that you're the Batman and training. You're either a bummer of monk. No, I'm just inventing new slurs for them.

That's what I'm saying. Case study. Where the new sheets and pillows are just as comfortable as their mattress. The mattress is shipped for free. It's a present compact box. So it's easy to get to your bedroom. You can try it.

You're home for a 100 nights risk free. If you don't love it, they'll pick up everything and refund you everything. Do they got newfangled pillows? Is what you saying? Yeah, they got new fangled pillows, blankets. Anyway, go to Casper.com, use the code dude. That's D-U-D-E.

Dude. Fucking dumb Italians. For $50 towards your matches purchase. Casper.com code dude. That's it. It's a good issue to apply. One of those good issues is no one on circumcised is allowed to buy one.

Oh, damn. Nice. Really? Yeah. It's in the copy. No, we need to save those comforting pillows for the circumcised one allowed to buy one. Oh damn nice. Really? Yep. It's in the copy. No, we need to save those comforting pillows for the circumcise. What are they going to do for May? Would May is not stress awareness month.

Are they going to make a good deal of money? I think every month is stress awareness month. Actually, what month is it going to be? What month is it going to be? I forget my constant stress every second of my life. Yeah, they should have a cheat on your girlfriend with a new mattress month. Yeah, why is your stress awareness month? Let me just try to forget about my stress. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need to bring it to the surface. I like what you're saying. What, who came up with that? Stress awareness month. Yeah. I think Casper's the best. Well, every day and every month is like 15 different things. Oh, so when you look it up like today,

I guarantee you look it up right now. What is today international what day? It's armed forces, secretaries day. Isn't it? Is it really? Yeah, secretaries of the armed forces. Every day. Just the armed forces every just the armed forces now Yeah, that's that what you sounds like a joke one the bottom line is you can give any day

Any day you want for anything Like yeah, all right, don't get the day off work. It's not really it's not really day That's about a mind call it. What it call whatever you were we had a tea with teacher in college It was like is are you guys celebrating Passover who's stuck in the over? We always are handing goes for real stuck in the year for Passover? I want you to look at what she just Googled. Yeah, that was not. She wrote Airball 25th day.

Yeah, that's what she fucking doing. What are you doing? Well, how do you do? Lauren. Lauren. Basically, no women are more. You're tired. Chick shouldn't have jobs day.

Let's go for you, Joe. I was trying to think, Joe, we're done, right? What? When you done? I don't know how long the show goes You got to go two and a half three. I'm not going to do it Is it a national day? Yeah, no If you go on Twitter and look at the trending topics usually the type of day it is

We're like today is an international and then we don't not day that siblings day was fucking made up brother day three weeks ago siblings day. Yeah, and that was Post-apocalyptic. That's shit. I blame Earth Day Earth Day was the first bullshit. Earth Day was the first bullshit what you're right. I remember that I was like let's all we can save this internet. Internet April Slavery They don't have a whole month. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I've never remembered anything on the days. I'm supposed to remember them Christmas I remember four days later. Oh the fans got it math the fan. I understand I think about trees Matt whenever I want break in if you would Here is DNA day DNA. It means West day. She's on someone's face She's on someone's face and face mecca while you're doing DNA day base celebrate both

I was taking a load of day hair styles appreciation day your old roommate national plumbers day Skull post future career DNA day and national plumbers day and World penguin day All five of those things. Yeah, I mean, if they go five in one day, that means all days are full. There was like 12 more. Well, is it also a slavery day? Was that real or?

That way you get to have slaves again? He said it was slavery day. Well, remembrance of victims. Remembrance of how we no longer get to have people doing our work for us whenever we want. Yeah. Yeah, I don't need to be reminding that Every time we're gonna $20 bill we're gonna be reminded of that now. Yep. Why? Parks on the area Tubman is on the 20. Yeah, I was on the 20 who wasn't on the 20 before

New 20 Jack no one knew what the fuck he did right to be honest. He owns slaves. He's gonna be fucking Genesides and Native Americans That's who we has to think. They didn't even take him off the $20 bill. They just moved him to the back. Oh, really? Yeah, just a glider on one grill.

Now I just consider the back the front of the bill. Really? They're just too heads. Yeah, they on the front. Yeah. So how do you get a flip? You just go, Mrs. Tubman moved to the back of the bill. Yeah, yeah.

I then flip the bill. I flip it, and then I still have a very big issue. No, I think he's in there. He'll be no more of your lip-pins and then I start to think that she's... No, I think he's in a business. He'll be no more of your lip mistubbing to that. No, I think he's in a vending machine. I think he's going to be an awesome small picture of him. No more the White House or hope he off the side like that. I think it's small.

Yeah, it's a money. It's just him slaughtering an American Indian on the back. Listen, for money to be official, it should be a picture of a white man and on the back, a picture of a white man's home. And that's when I know it's worth something. Have you ever pulled that little strip I know it's worth something. Have you ever pulled out a little strip out of a bill? Yeah. You have? Why would you do that? That's illegal.

It was someone else's bill. You're not supposed to touch the strips. That's a federal thing. I don't know. Remember those petty things that the aluminum and Audi tracks us with the strips. Well, how long does the podcast usually go? I know my part. With a guest host, we should go hour and a half. Yeah. the with the guest house we have one twenty eight so one minute for the weekend

you work on the least let's get your thing first what do you got i got nothing you still do mullen blog stop that two years ago

you're not really trying to get a of anyone. Well, Licky did. We just really just nothing you got going on. He's just finished working on a little Jimmy Norton's pilot with me. You did? Yeah. Writing job. Yeah. Hell yes. That's good. Great. Little Jimmy's pilot. Metzger, you've got the race wars podcast. Yeah. Oh, inside Amy's back online. Inside Amy, do you have your Emmy for that? Do you ever get your Emmy? No, I never got an Emmy for that. I have a Peabody.

I thought what's the name is then you've got to get your Emmy. You got to pick it up. No, yeah, that's what it is. I just haven't picked it up. Yeah. It's down to the prices of right studios. I hear it. I have a statue that was Dan re-etched for me.

What is that for? What is that for? His, I don't know. I think it was like his wife's old Emmy that got broken. And then he gave it to me. He just gave it to you? And put it for my soul. But I don't give a shit of enough to go through whatever I got to go through.

I got a people, I have enough heavy murder weapon awards on my shelf that I'm good. The only award I'll keep is my award for basketball, the community's league basketball, best comic worst player. Oh, and I have a Jeff Ross roast battle trophy. Oh, yeah, I have one of those. I have one of those. I'll keep that from the New York one. The New York one.

Yeah, that's a nice trophy. I have four, I have four Creek Awards on a shelf in my room right now. Oh, yeah. I really do. I don't have any Creek Awards. Metzger, I mean, uh, the biggest Los Carlos. I thought that's what they call it when John F. O'Donnell took a shit in the fucking Bound Creek Award. A Creek Award. Do you see that one show that the guy looks just like John F. O'Donnell now?

What? What? He man? It's a show about he looks like a he-man doll dude. Yeah, it's funny. He's not big enough. It's the size of the doll with the same hair dude Well, I need to know the name of the show because I want to pull up dude It's crazy if I was Jonathan Ferdinand kill myself because he's never gonna get work because this guy looks and X I X exactly like I think there's other options for you know, but it's just type a fox fox TV show All right now as I leave the building you type that it's a new sitcom. I'm just yeah fucking Well before Lewis plugs this thing I'll just tell you that I have two podcasts are you type that. It's a new sitcom, I'm just, yeah, fucking love you. Well, before Lewis plugs his thing, I'll just tell you that I have two podcasts,

R-E-Shuffee, Skeptic Tank, and my sports podcast, I do it with my friends, you have two? Punch-Dunk sports, yep. You're into sports? Yeah, something like that. That's what we talk about, which UFC fighter you'd least like to see,

fuck it up. That was a fucking fun show, did. What? Who? I say the smaller guys, because that means her choice. No. I think of the bigger dudes bigger dudes really do you want to see fucking and Johnson down down your fucking girlfriend more more than fucking Mighty Mouse Johnson Making sweet love it's gonna take a lot longer his last name is Congo

He's a scariest one and I can't call him a gorilla. He's so black. He's so black I can call him a gorilla. He's so black. He's so black. I'm going to go out of the running. Dude, Fox, it's on Saturday nights is late night, dude. Why? They're pulled to different party. Uh, party over it. No, no, no, no, no, no, stop. Yeah, ground zero. Um, yeah, guys, you can check out my podcast,

Legion of Skanks, Tuesdays and Wednesday nights, 9 PM Eastern Center time on Anthony Cumia.com, we'll ask podcasts on the gas digital network on Friday at 12 noon, and the countdown with myself and Michael Bissping, Series X times rush 93 Thursdays, 6pm Eastern Standard Time, also guys Skankfest pre-sale tickets will be available on Sunday morning guys, pre-sale, we haven't announced the lineup yet, but Skankfest 2000. That means it's not worth a sale. You're beating the sale. No pre-sale, you't announced the lineup yet but uh... skankfest two thousand that means it's not worth a sale you're beating the sale

no pre-sale you get it it's cheaper and we're not announcing the lineup to the sixteenth so that's that uh... any of these shows look familiar now now that's it but you guys want to come to skankfest it'll be fathers a weekend saturday and sunday the eighteenth and nineteen two full days of uh... you should have a comedy show on your father's grave.

I can't wait for it to pop up on Netflix. Well, that's a show everybody. Scobo, you got something to promote? No, no. I can't. I can't. I can't. I haven't seen Horus and Pete.

Horus and Pete. Yeah. Nice. Is that done now? It's on our luicik.net. And you can watch them all, right? Yeah, the series is, yeah, you can see the whole thing. Oh, okay, that's going to be a different song.

It's about that. Yeah, get them all the ones. Yeah. And that token too, go to YouTube. This is not happening playlist and see a bunch of stories that I help make Guys like Metzkars while yours is coming out like a fucking nine weeks What your long form version story for my show. Oh, yeah, it's every Tuesday a new story a new unedited story

Not like TV version the real version good thing. I use fake names Yeah, yeah, I know how this story come out come up great TV version was great, but the YouTube fucking on the on Kami central that you you really fix whatever they had did that fucked it up Thank you. Thank you. Oh, he's so relieved you first of all great job Thank you. I appreciate that. It is difficult to make a story work first if you if you take bits like you About tell and chop him down is hard, but like if you have a story He did 19 and a half minutes I had to make it work in six six minutes yeah you got to figure

out what's not less people on what this could you didn't try to jam too many people on all right yeah that's that's a big difference yeah yeah yeah do you do that or comic center does that I do it they want to just like we'll handle it. I'm like He works hard like no, I work to your mouth. You're supposed to work. Make sure it's all right We got it. I promote oh, yeah, why KWD is gonna be live on May 22nd Lewis will be there Dan and Joe go to Casper dot com slash dude for tickets to YKWD is going to be live on May 22nd. Lewis will be there, Dan and Joe. Go to Casper.com slash dude for tickets to YKWD. Live, when is it? May 22nd. Where is it? Cake shop and YC. Papa Jones the place. Liza's the spot. Yeah. Is it on Liza's show?

No, it's for Pod Fest. Oh, there's a pod. I'm never get once got invited to any of those things. I got invited for Liza's gang so we turned it down. Good for you. At least you get the opportunity, the honor to turn down. Go to our Twitter. I'm just going to be on it for you. Yeah. If you want to email the show email ykwdproducerrightcast.com.

If you want to send something to the show, go to 117 McDougal Street, 1-00-0-1-2, care of Robert Kelly or YKWD podcast. And don't forget July 16th through the 18th, this year, July 16th through the 18th of 2016 is Schrumfest International Mushroom Holiday. So anyone wants to do mushrooms? That's all you got to do to participate. Where are you going to do it this year?

I don't know, camping somewhere. Last year I did it in Scotland. I tried to do it with you last year But you weren't a scot one. Yeah, I just For mushroom day, you know what? Absolutely Funnatch go mushrooms once in a while. Let's go. Can I do her one for mushroom day? Whatever you want if you got to go early if you have a great opportunity fucking go early, but Shims are okay just like Christmas. How much do you eat to get just the right amount? What do you mean?

Depends on what I want to do. Okay, I had some it colored evening, but nothing too severe For you. Yeah, three grams. Yeah, I did a half an eighth recently. I usually do an eighth every time Yeah, half an eighth last time I did a half an eighth. It was the best trip I've ever had Yeah, I think it's usually good for a party wandering around the stuff But like you seem like Metzky of a tolerance of you know, your tolerance is strong We're back in straight as me once because for two grams I was like it's not doing that much to me anymore back. I was like, oh,ky, you have a tolerance of, you know, your tolerance is strong. Rebecca extracted it to me once, because for two grams, I was like, it's not doing that much to me anymore.

Rebecca was like, oh, we're not liking them anymore. Yeah. You can't just do their dose. Yeah, but dude, I usually would do, and dude, I would take an eighth and eighth and a half sometimes. And I was like, let me just try less one time.

It's a pencil. And it was better, dude, because I feel like it brought me to, it brought me to the exact right place. It was awesome, dude. We did it at my buddies place? He had like a he had a deck. I mean, I'm looking into the sky. It looked like it was fucking amazing That sounds perfect the the fucking world was just like opening up. It was awesome

That's great. Something like just a capitalist demo get you in a good mood Yeah, it depends on how how you want to get but you usually I tell people two grams Half and never done mushrooms half and I've done it really Really? I will July 16th to 18th this year. I'm not going to have to do it. Just one day. Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. I'll do it, yeah. Yeah, start looking for them now though guys,

because they're hard to find last minute. I can get them anytime. I know, but not everybody can. My advice to you is find your dirtiest friend, ask them if they don't have any, ask your second dirtiest friend. Lewis. Otherwise email me.

Lewis Gomez, come here. It's like dirty friend right here. I know people. Oh, he's doing it. It's like dude, it's so I know people. Yeah. Oh, it's really good. It's like dude, it's so hard to get mushrooms. Like no, it's not. I have like five sources that can make me mushrooms any day. Really?

The last, this guy brought 16 eighths to Legion of Skanks Halloween party and he just gave him out to people. It's fucking awesome. I might do him in at Stampede in Calgary this year. Yeah. Which is like their martyred. I've ever done it. Done him in Duke comedy. What?

Have you done streams in Duke comedy? Not sure. Yeah. Do you get visuals with two grams? No. Sometimes it depends. So the penis on Duke comedy, or if there's certain, yeah, you get visuals.

What, coming down? Coming down mushrooms. No problem. No problem. And it's fine. A little bit like I'm doing comedy underwater. Yeah. On the way up, it's hard, because you're like, oh,

the boat's just going to go. Yeah, I can't. Dude, I can't. I don't do mushrooms around people. I gotta do it around like extremely close friends. Yeah. Because I feel like people are gonna judge me. That's what I'm afraid of. Usually I'm here to put a man hat in every

just every anyway. There's crazy people out there anywhere. They just ignore you. Yeah, but I know, but I'm hypersensitive of them and judging me and then I have like a blanket around my head and I'm crying in a corner. Oh, did I get it? Let's go camping then.

Let's all go camping. Let's all go camping that right now. I'm sober now, so. For mushrooms too. You're sober, Kim. That doesn't really count. That's only a joke as they say it's a drug. Well, let me tell you, the only reason

why I can even consider it is because you're not igniting it. You could only do mushrooms. And for me, I can only do one to year, one to every couple of years. Yeah, exactly. So I mean, maybe I consider them. No, because mushroom heads.

I'll do it if you want to do it. True and fast. First time. Maybe you can do that. Let me think about head. I'll do it if you want to do true first first time All right, see you guys later Listening to YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free.

And they're all free. Three and all three Shine Shine Shine