Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Holy Shit, It's Fun Again

Episode Date: January 21, 2013

Robert is joined by Dan Soder, Joe List, Yannis Pappas, Noam Dworman, Kurt Metzger and Luis J Gomez.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Ma mal, a Madrid.

in all your devices. Plus, to TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the RiotCast Network, riotcast.com. What's up, YKWD fans? I'm gonna give you my dates for the month of January, so you can come see me live, do my stand-up comedy. I'm gonna be at Side Splitters in Tampa, Florida,

the 24th, the 25th, and the 26th. And Gotham Comedy Club at the end of the month in New York City, the 31st, the 1st, and the 2nd. So get your tickets now. Go to my website, robberkellylive.com, and just hit Buy Tickets. Or get my award-winning iPhone app, robberkellylive, and go to the dates, and again, hit buy tickets. It's as easy as that. If you have an Android phone, go fuck yourself. No, I'm kidding. Just go to my website and buy the tickets.

So share this, like this, tweet this, bring your friends, get the fuck out to one of my shows. Later. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss later. Intro this one very simple. Dan Soda, Kurt Mechskir, Noam Dorman, Louis J. Gomez, Janus Popus, and Joe List and myself, all in the same fucking show. I figured last week was a little intense. We need to light it up a little bit, have some fun and that's exactly what the fuck happened. Another slamming podcast. Make sure you go to iTunes, subscribe and review. Those are the cops going by my apartment in New York City.

Subscribe and review if you already did it. Do it again. Tell a friend. Spread the word We want to thank all the people that have been donating to you guys are amazing mark mixell Raymond par Heather Graves We fucking love you you great. Thank you so much for giving a shit about this show and helping us out and Go to Amazon.com, right on riotcast.com on our page. Use that to buy anything on Amazon. And make sure you, if you like video games, use our code. Go to GameFly.com slash YKWD. And sign up for a two week free membership to GameFly. Game

fly, the Netflix of video games. I use it so should you an Amazon that's all I buy my shit off of that's it That's what I buy it's always five dollars cheaper than anywhere else So whatever the fuck you're buying buy it off of Amazon calm whether be a band a lear or an on watch Get it from our site right cast calm slash Robert Kelly Amazon click it buy it boom You guys are the best Slash Robert Kelly Amazon click it buy it boom Did you guys the best? Hey gang this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Liri. This is Opie from a lot of things This is Bert Chrysler. Staying cook and you are listening to Robert Kelly's you know what dude? You know what dude?

If you bippy buy it if you bippy boo dippy dippy daya you have a dava do You know what, dude? You know what, dude? You know what, dude? If you bippy, bippy, bippy, bup, bippy, water, I'm stuck in the water. We're not in the kitchen. I know, thank God. But what do you do? You used to do this in the kitchen? There used to be a, that was a lot of fun though. It was fun when it was me and you and Joe. Yeah. It was fun when it's me and you and Kelly. But because I know you guys, but, you know,

do I really want fucking? You don't want Lewis Gomez in your kitchen, is it? You used to. Thank you for saying it. No, I would love, I'm just kidding. But that many guys, and I live in a very politically correct go mezzan your kitchen is thank you for saying it. I would love I'm just kidding. That many guys and I live in a very politically correct democratic building. You know I'm pretty gonna put your animals. Yeah meaning underline there's a lot of gays in my building. Oh man I'd

love to hear that. I don't want to hear Lewis going Faggot. They're walking by the door like oh one oh that apartment is just. Yeah. Faggot get well you know what I don't like is like oh yeah yeah I don't I don't need that so well it's I think it's better for your you know what yeah you don't want to bring these animals into your home but this is this is why having the studio which I have an announcement to me today too is that yeah I don't have to set up yeah I come in with my computer and I hit a button and we're going it was funny though by by the end of the kitchen days, you're like a pit crew chief. You could fucking you could set it up in fucking three minutes. And you're like, all right, what's that

dude? Well, most people don't realize is that I, I invented this setup. And everybody asked me, I got a lot of you know, are you you trying to you say that you didn't invent the studio at fuck you so that I don't think you invented the studio at all I invented the headphones yeah I invented microphones you invented what I invent I mean I came up with the flex you know buying these suit I went to be an age yeah bought these super clamps and then bought the heavy duty flex, this is a light setup. This is for lights, this isn't for microphones. Lights are cameras, and then I found an adapter

to hook a mic, what are these called? Microphones. No, I know that. Microholder. I have no idea what these are. You're not doing it, you're very smart guy. When it comes to stepping on people beneath you to fucking know I know that the microphone holder. I have no idea I have no idea what you're not Indity you're very smart guy. I don't think when it comes to stepping on people beneath you to fucking know I'm getting What I'm cut through cut through making my way to the top cut through it so it's slitting through it's a cut you throw and smile Your mother yeah

Shake your father's hand as a plant and a fucking dagger in your back. I came up with these adapters So it's so you can hook the mic holders, whatever the fucking call, somebody's going to email me. They're called book and chasel belts. But then, so you can pretty much clamp this microphone stand on anything. On anywhere, you can set up a studio anywhere in five fucking minutes and just plug these mics in. I used, anybody who's asking

you go to bnh photo or bnh and get super clamps you get a flex fucking arm and you buy the adapter to make it hook on to the mic the mic stand or the mic holder will get on that and then I got a zoom the the best thing I ever got was this the zoom are 24. You got a real board. Yeah, but it's a board, but it also records right into SD card. So I don't need a computer. I can just record it into here and trust it, but it has an eight channels on it.

And it's fucking easy, it's light as shit. I can throw this whole thing in my bag and fucking five minutes. I actually have two of these studios. I have one at my house, the setups. So that if we have a do-go live, I don't have to take this one down. And look at you.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You're fucking in it. Yeah, we're in it to work. We're at the satellite studio. Yeah. Live breaks from Bobby's kitchen. We, yeah, I mean, I have these people that email me

that want to know the setup and how to do it and how you get your sound. It's like, I'm just so stupid I couldn't even, I've seen the setup and I'm like, that I don't even know. It's really easy. I don't, first of all, I never read a direction on anything. I just set it up.

So it's very easy. You just gotta figure out your sound though. Here's no. Hey, no. You got to say it. Disturiant? No, there's a bunch of people coming. That was very... No, I'm sour face was the best on that one.

He's like, he's just doing the two. Yeah, I know. Usually he's got 40 people in here. Yeah, I know. Last he was here, last week with the five families too. Part two. Yeah, you know, I got shit for that. I'll listen to it.

I got shit for that. I'll read you the tweet from this fucking dildo. What? Look at this, no. Listen, listen. I got shit for that. I'll read you the the tweet from this fucking dildo What look at this now What are you doing to play a song? You go walk in playing a guitar You're gonna learn music now during my podcast. I kind of like it No, you can't yeah, he actually fucking gave me a shit. First of all, he was like Jim Norton, I hate when people, this is what bugs me.

When people use my friendship, just don't put me in the tweet. Yeah. Just, just, Jim Norton, I'm interested in hearing your take on the Comedy Cell, a Greenwich CC beef that Robert Kelly failed miserably to resolve on the YKWD podcast. I don't think... I was...

He doesn't know that. He thinks that I put this together to solve the... Like, I'm here to solve the lease crisis. I like the thought of you and glasses at your kitchen table with a yellow legal pad. How can I solve this problem? Yeah, I know, there is no solving that mess you fat head. Stop starting trouble with my pals. It's literally a joke.

And he, you know, a typical fucking cunt. This is why this guy doesn't listen to my podcast because he's a fan. He listens, he listened for some other reason. Someone told him to listen to, he's not a fan of my show. He's just a cunt that fucking came here and likes, you know, somebody else on it, whatever.

Why can't you, that was the serious question. I was interested after the podcast in the NYT, that's NYC, you fucking moron, article. Not my fault, you suck it medium uh... mediation asshole right to the right new york and why t and why t article yet near times i as well it's

always it no shit sorry i'm a fucking dick so yeah i think i'm really not mad at this guy i actually want them on the show uh... because guys like this first of all i know he's not a fan of mine but but he's a fan of the subject, whatever. He's busting my balls.

I really don't give a fuck. And I put it out there to get them on the show, because it's like, look, I wasn't there to solve. I wasn't there to put it. I wanted these two, Dustin called me to, he wanted to kind of have it out with Noam, or work it out with Noam. This wasn't, you know what I mean?

This wasn't me. I was just bringing them together, and let them talk about it, and I was trying to add funny in between and let you guys do your thing Exactly, yeah, this guy this guy thought there was a serious He acting like it was a town hall. Yeah, yeah sit down dude. Just shut your face and sit down Yeah, we are now gonna bring up the grievances between yeah His name is What the fuck is his name? Joe Ho.

You know, Bobby, a H O F F 23. That, that, that, that you like getting mad about like you didn't solve Kelly's anal Fisher. You're like, what? Oh, I did solve that. Yeah. Yeah.

Start getting a fat again. Yeah. Plum below. Lewis. Are we on? Yeah. We're on. Yeah. Don't walk up. Hallelujah. Are we on? Yeah. We're on, dude.

Yeah. Don't walk in here like you've never done the show before. There's you in dance. Yeah. I turn. You know that I just turn the mic. I don't wait for you. It's like one of those songs where it's just guitar and then the bass slowly comes in that

the drums. It's a building. I just like to go in and buddy. We, uh, yeah. So I didn't, I wasn't there to solve shit. I was there to just let it happen tell you what you did do I was entertained this guy for two hours and 21 minutes Yeah, here's the I thought it was rather entertaining and interesting Mike Vekion and I listened to the podcast like it was the fucking shadow on the radio

Like we're sitting here like sitting in the living room with my laptop on the coffee table just like ooh Any moment good like next week on the shadow oh this is like oh you're on a microphone stop being a fucking yeah we just said we're on stop just shut up and put this fucking headphones on so what did you think I thought it was an insolven watch your words it was an insolvable argument is what it was it was there was not gonna be hi Joe Is no no Joe don't worry Yo, don't worry to just drop Would Joe you relax we're not taught we're talking about it in a very light fashion right now

And we're gonna go into fun fun and frolicinging very shortly. As a listener, it was extremely entertaining. You didn't take sides? I mean, of course it took, yeah, it took, get on a microphone, get on a microphone. Get on a microphone, we can't hear you. It's no good, it doesn't even make sense. It doesn't make sense to talk. If you're not gonna be on a microphone.

It doesn't matter. But honestly, the whole argument basically was, Maneta Street. Yeah, to find out. And Eminem's in a Coca-Cola, what are you fucking a methadone? Joe, this is a diet of a six-year-old. Yeah, he's got snack time. For my cat Joe. What were you saying? I'm sorry. It all came down to Maneta street and I think Dustin was in the wrong. You can't go to someone's line. Oh, by the way, as you say in a suit, I walked out of Caroline's,

you know, that I picked it up my check for my headline and getting this up. Yeah. And as I walked out, there was a dude selling tickets to the Broadway in front of Caroline's. And I actually said to him, I'm all Martin. Yeah.

Dude, I said to him, check this out dude. I was like, I was like, oh dude, are you supposed to be something? It just made me angry for some reason. It made me angry. And he's like, oh, JB smoothed his mind. I was like, I was like, oh, dude, are you supposed to be something? It just made me angry for some reason. It made me angry. And he's like, oh, JB smoothed this in mind. I was like, actually, he probably would. And I just like walked away, that was that.

But it's pretty crazy. I saw it take a few years. It's almost like, it's almost like there, if this, you know, that everyone's doing like the five family shit. If this is true, they're definitely the family that's okay with selling drugs to kids. I don't want to sold in schools. Yeah, exactly.

They're in the colors. Yeah, that's not the move I saw. Yeah. All right, don't want to sold in school. Exactly. In the colors. Yeah. All right. You guys got that one. But yeah, it was it was the thing of like, I got to let him and said, no, can you let him in?

Yeah, I'm not. Um, yeah, I thought it was very interesting. It was very uncomfortable. I mean, the fun. I mean, Joe Litz had the three best lines. Interesting is the best way to describe something That's not funny. It's really interesting Kelly for sook is very interesting first of all look at man

It was funny Joe list was killing me with his he and then he fucking went off on me at one point That was so that was so real his he was like dude what the fuck are you doing? I feel like you know my situation My favorite line is he's like he's like I'm sober 17 days and I got this. I'm about ready to drink the fridge. That was my favorite line of the whole podcast. It was 10. My favorite line when he told me he's a golden glove boxer.

Oh, that's always great. It's just the whole idea of committing an assault on Mike with video and microphones going with it. What a chewy wait a fuck yeah Somebody told me they're going on boxer like do something pussy. He actually I know his response I'm a golden gloves know his response was like alpichinos In the devil's advocate. Are you the devil? You're gonna beat me. Oh, what about somebody name so many names. You're gonna beat me up

Oh, you can beat me up. What? I'm gonna put somebody name. So many names. You're gonna beat me up. Oh, you can beat me up. Everybody can beat me up. But can you beat me in money? I'll take it. It was, yeah, it was, look, I wasn't there. That's why people, I wasn't there to make this better. Are people mad?

People, there's one guy, this one dickhead was, and I think some people thought it was, I was supposed to fix this better. Are people mad? People there's one guy, this one Dickhead was, and I think some people thought it was, I was supposed to fix this. I'm not. Dustin wanted to fucking have it out with Noam, on not have it out, but talk to Noam on my podcast, because he was invited on Noam's, and he didn't feel comfortable going there.

He felt more neutral in Noam's apart. Well, there's also a band from the comedy club, so he can go in. Give me the bomb in there. Jesus Christ, Lewis. Just stepped right on that one. Having a baby does make you less funny and fun. Yeah, so you're gonna get less funny.

So yeah, I mean, I was here just to make sure that people didn't talk over each other. Nobody beat each other up. And I brought, I brought Joe in from Levitin. Nobody beat me up. I just, I was here just to make sure that people didn't talk over each other, nobody beat each other up. And I brought, I brought Joe in from Levitin. Nobody beat me up. I just, yeah. Exactly. Here's what I thought though. I thought we were gonna do a, usually if you have like an agenda thing for the podcast,

you fuck around for like a half hour and we're like, oh, you got a small dick, you have Mexican, but. And then, I was both at me. I just imagine when I was listening to the podcast that Bobby had those UFC ref black rubber gloves on Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's podcast because it came in it was just fucking boom. Joe you're absolutely right immediately started It was as soon as we all sat down. It was like fucking fight. I

Think because the tension the the I I didn't know how to open it You know what I mean? And usually if Dan's here, like he'll start going or Lewis, but everybody was quiet for some reason. I'm never quiet. This is what happens when there's an agenda or somebody famous or a big comic in the room. Everybody shuts the fuck up and looks at me.

And then I start talking and I start fucking just blah, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't know what to so i i started having you guys talk and he does think he made it with guns in the chamber you know i mean little chants of the way it works the blazing goes that way too guns in the chamber you better look at it he had bullets in the gun

you better have your bullets chambers in the game and i was in the holsters it's like you're trying to look for something and also explain it. We're like, I have bullets chambers. I don't fucking know. I was so funny because I've been up, I've been up since six. I went to bed at three.

I had this audition today. It was a very small audition for a TV show. And I'm so out of it. I'm so fucked up. This baby thing has consumed my anxiety so much that I can't remember. And I have a great memory. I can remember I just scripted in five minutes, around 13 pages.

You didn't remember not to put the letter B in the word memory. That was actually alright. Fuck everyone. That was alright, but you know what? I wasn't listening to Bobby, so that's why it's something. I was listening, I listened to the whole thing, but I wasn't on board with this. I listened to the whole thing, I saw nothing funny. It was this whole rant of Fanny Hall and Revere's Run, and then it said... That should have been second nature for you.

Yeah, exactly. Then it said, the White House, and then it says, Jefferson's... Memorial? Memorial. But I kept saying monument, and then I said, museum. I couldn't... Then you said slave children. Slap then I said museum. I couldn't then you said slave slave children. I Every other M except like fucking fan you are all the way to the White House to Jefferson's fucking I couldn't it's like it to me that to me shitty writing. I don't give a

Hang on you don't need to put in I don't give a fuck. Oh, come on. Hang on, you don't need to put in Jefferson's memorial when there's a Washington monument and then there's something else museum in the world. You know what, dump the M parts. We get it. I'm trying to explain your bomb with bad,

or really did stuff. And I'm in the room, I go, Jefferson's monument, now there's no monument. Oh, no laugh, no laugh. I was with Nate Parketsi last week and he was a dragon. I'm not your man, no, there's no monument. No, no laugh. No laugh. I was with Nate Parketsi last week and he was, oh yeah, he was auditioning for a commercial. Where were you?

We were in Los Angeles and he was getting ready for this commercial audition. Like the whole night before, the whole day I'm driving with the audition and he's like doing, like, Nate acting where he's like, hey, y'all want to remove stains? Stains are bad. So he gets in and he's our bad'all wanna remove stains? Stains are bad. So he gets in and he's our bad.

Stains are bad. Stains are bad. Where's Janice? I don't know. You said you were supposed to hate him. I fucking, I fucking put a Facebook message out. To the break zone. I'm sorry.

Dressing up with the break zone. That story. Yeah. Yeah. Really, a cross-robot there. Threw down the anchor. I was just trying to get some traction though. I really, you know what, dude?

My brain really did. It wasn't even waiting for the bandana. He was just going to... I'm just going to bandana. That was a funny thing. That was a bar. I was doing who, when, where? I was explaining the five W's.

And, you know what? There was no voices in there. I'm trying to... You know what's a bad try. I want someone who goes, where's Janus? That's a bad sign. He's back. He's pulling Janus out of the bullpen.

It's not good. It's Janus doing it right now, man. I think he's putting his dress on right now. Can I hear the old Indian? I haven't heard him in so long. For the young brave has returned to the tribe. No, to the Dustin Nome Battle as Indian. For the man wearing the tall head came to the battle ground of the tribe leader who lived

below. The fight was long, awkward, many arrows were thrown. But at the end of the day both both tribes laid dead and had homies and had homies and wrapped great leaves. This is what blew me away. I love that fucking guy. The old Indian. That's the old Indian, but a white guy doing it. Remember when a white actor is used to play Indian. Hello, the lady comes down for the great iron horse. There's ridden from the east. Can you tell your neighbor Gatsy story in the Old Indian voice? That'd make a more interesting. The Pudgy Warrior from himself.

Ha ha ha ha. Practice his lines to their gods. He's not gonna like that. I know. What the fuck, man? Why am I Pudgy? Well, I'm a Pudgy, and why is my hair like fuck and Nick Griffins?

Yeah. Yeah. Nick Griffin Gorgeous had that. Well, why'd I get old? It's fucking 22. I got a salt and pepper hair with a Justin Bieber haircut. He really does.

He looks like he was fucking attacked by a ghost. There's hair just went white. He's a ship survivor. Yeah, there is in the cold ocean for so long as hair went gray. Very handsome man. He is a very handsome man. Who would talk about nature? Griffin.

Yeah, that's a handsome man. Wow, now it's weird. Now, because he really is a handsome man. It's gorgeous. I was giving you the fucking Nate one, because he's not. But when you say he's a handsome man, he's gorgeous, that's gay. I didn't call a handsome man. It's gorgeous. I was giving you the fucking Nate one because he's not. But when you say he's a handsome man, he's gorgeous, that's gay. I didn't call him gorgeous.

I call him gorgeous. You call him a stand by. Nate is not handsome nor is he a man. Well, he's a man. What happened, what I thought was that, what I loved about it was that at the end you walked up and you were like, yeah, he's still, you joked around. It was over.

You invited him to the party, right? Yeah, and then I'm over at the party and I was like, you know, he, in fact, Dustin. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, I don't know if I go to a great party and I hit him up and he was, he was a little paranoid. He was like, I don't know, it sounds like a setup. But it did though, my text was like,

hey, Nome said, come over. It was like, the Nero, go down there, no, down there. No, down there, no inside, down there. I'm okay, okay. I'll get a dress jacket. I saw him and he was like, oh, and then I rolled at a normal vitamin of the body. I was like, really? Oh, there I find it. I like that voice. Did you go here? It was like, yeah, when he wasn't there, though, you weren't there? I lied. I

didn't know he was coming. That's good that he was there for a while. He had some chicken. He got some food. And there you go. So, so I take a lot, a lot of chicken. How much did he get all of his street 10 promoters come over and take chicken to make me laugh a little doggy back with a street team they're actually eating chicken outside well fucking selling tickets in front of the shop this place is horrible food yeah they're actually selling that we got chicken tonight guys guys if you guys come to the show we'll give you a free chicken I love the guys if you guys come to the show, we'll give you a free chicken. Because that's a free chicken.

I love the buffet too. You can tell the black bouncers had fucking input in that. It was fried chicken. There was not a vegetable in sight. It was just barbecue and cake and cornbread with frosting. You know, it looks like you're... I'll take that. I'll take that.

I'll take that. Just a little incisive. Well, you were able to really joke. You're just naming facts. I was naming facts trying to do it in a funny way. And you guys were actually staring at me like I was CNN. I was waiting for it. Yeah, it didn't come. That's where little incest. Well, you're, I wasn't really a joke. You're just naming facts. I was naming facts trying to do it in a funny way. And you guys were actually staring at me like I was CNN. I was waiting for it. Yeah, it didn't come.

That's where I was. Where is he? He's in the honest. Where the can you text them? All right, I'll text them. Yeah, please. Did you just get mobbed outside by 2015 year old Puerto Rican girls? I told him, he said three o'clock right,

and I said, yeah, I'll see you at 330. Here's a deal to it. Puerto Ricans really think that that he's that character is Puerto Rican or Spanish and it's not. And they get mad when they find out he's pretty cool. That's what I said. Eventually that character's gonna blow up even more when they find out it's just a white guy

saying, nigga, every 30 seconds. That's kind of double the popularity. He's gonna be a good morning America. Wait a minute. Well, you can't do that. We're the best is when he sold out carolines. I'm talking to one of waitresses and like hey, what second what'd you say when he sold out carolines? She I thought you were talking about Lewis. Oh when she no When she sold out carolines and solid numbers on a Tuesday. I was talking to one of the waitresses

And I was like how are the shows and she goes? Very confusing to sit because everyone's like Rodriguez to like M. Rodriguez and they're like fucking 40 hands Yeah, where do you put all the baby carriages He's calling me, but didn't he bring the buzzer a few minutes? Probably a phone and find out you're fucking honest Where are you aren't you in here in the studio just Hit the four just tell me hit four hit four and come up We already know he's here

Oh, he's outside the door. Yeah, I think no one let him in remember he buzzed you let him in and you locked the door I didn't lock the door. He's been there for 10 minutes. Oh god. No, you didn't wait for him to come up Don't even try it. I try I try I try I'm not the same way I buzz him and him and I tried I tried you're right. It's not my face not your fault I got I really put it on you just sitting outside for 10 minutes. Yeah, we got Kurt coming till How long we wait now there? Hi buddy? How you doing? What are you doing? How you sitting down on the floor? Just eating for a radio show. He's got your buds in yeah, have you a take you? He's got your buds in. He's got your buds in.

Yeah, take your other ones out. Oh, my God. He's really on some fucking rise. Nobody in comedy is better at making it seem like he has stuff going on than Janice. What do you bread pit in every movie? Stuff in your face. You know, is that he eats all the time? He's unbelievable eating all the time.

It's more like a brand of one. That's true. He's always chewing on something. He's talking about that. It's like a more like a brand of nothing. Well like what's annoying for fat people because it makes me hungry Every time I see one of the five moon is I can't watch his movies past 9 30 Rating the cabin binging. I'm just joking off while I watch his movies. Beautiful. You were just talking. Yeah, honest That I that I met some fans of

the show you did that that I met some fans of the show you did that, that Mauricio did, and there's people out there that like, when they find out that you are not Spanish, get mad, because they really think that, yeah, I had some people like, oh my God, so funny, so all my, she's great. And then I go, yeah, and then goes, well the guy was like, yeah, she's not,

the husband told the wife, yeah, he's not, the husband told the wife, yeah, he's not Spanish. That's a dude that's, Greek dude. I love his, because he loved your Greek character. He was like, the Greek ones way better. And she was like, what do you mean? He's like, hey, he's Greek dude. She's like, no, fuck you, is he?

Cause she's Puerto Rican. She's like, oh, fuck that. She was like, mad. Yeah, they get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get it. They get upset that she doesn't exist in reality. They love her. Yeah, that's pretty

Love fucking crazy. Yeah, I mean what are you gonna do if it gets huge? Are you gonna? Are you gonna you gonna have to let people know you're gonna have to pull a Bob Zimuda in Kaufman and just have someone else as more easy well I think like when we do live show it's called the honest papish show and I do stand up And it's so if people don't make the connection then they're fucking we started their Puerto Rican stand up and it's so people don't make the connection then they're fucking sorry they're Puerto Rican back it was funny this girl comes up to me after the last run we did at levity and she comes up after she goes she goes my friend just told me that you were all three people that's crazy you were the

other dude too you go to school with the mustache go to this was after she saw the show she was still put it together. I thought they just hung out in the back and shit. How far can that character go like can you get like three like Tyler Perry like Medea movies with yes. I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know. Is that a goal? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm going to be honest. Poffice presents the diary of a third sexed person? I tell you what though, it would be a great movie if like an independent film. If you wrote an independent film with her and you and did a little Eddie Murphy thing in there.

Yeah. Hercules, hercules. But that would be hilarious if she had like, saw a crime and it's suck a dick. I like the character of comedian who punches women in the face Feel right now. I haven't seen a live but I've heard great. You're on a method acting that god-free That's him No, I punch the woman in her boyfriend

If you want we want we're in a half hour podcast about it. Yeah, it's only okay when you punch the boyfriend to thank God He came up to this tape. Yeah, when he was coming. I was like thank you Imagine it was just a woman it would have been like 50 50 in the comedy community No, he punched the boyfriend to Did you punch first? Well the girl hit me first? And then you hit her back And then yeah, yeah, it was almost like Simultaneous like a Quentin Tarantino movie What did you say to her right before she punched you?

I said don't do it because I will hit you That's the last thing I said You said I've been waiting to do this? He said don't do it, I hate my mother, don't do it It was like a Tarantino movie because Janus had said the N-word 14 times So it was like a Tarantino movie because Janus had said the N word 14 times The black girl She blotters Irish, oh she did act black the funniest part ever she did a jig before she hit him She went what did she say? Oh, I'm not English. I'm Irish

And I'm about to show you how Irish I am Sweaty God word for word she did a jig and then hit him She went like a sugar ray shuffle and then It was amazing. Yeah, there was a lot of I came she was Yannis is act You piece of shit Because it's true boom. Yes, he did what we what he was. They were they were they were talking loudly disrupting the show. So like I dressed it once and then I dressed again. Then I was like, look,

if you guys want to talk, just leave. And then I just, you know, set some cutting heckless stuff to transition back into the show. And she just approached the approach to stage once called me rude and impudent. And then I was like, I'm rude., she left and then she came back and she just punched me. Impudent? Impudent. No, like I couldn't get it up, like I can't get it up. Yeah. Baby dick.

Baby dick. Speaking of baby dicks, me and no, I'm having babies. He's having a baby boy, I'm having a baby boy. I'm having a baby too long and my baby's dick is way bigger than his, I think his baby is actually a girl. We saw the photo. I really hope that no son just has a hog and that you just have to and you're not gonna

just go a little tiny. Yeah, it's not that it's not gonna happen. Dude, my kid's got heavy heavy balls. It's not gonna happen and I don't like that you turn on me anytime somebody more important in your eyes is in the room. First off, you cock-shot on us. I thought it was rude that you said his son had a small penis. Shut up. It is. It is not rude.

It is rude. I bet you're gonna say he does. You to see it? You want to see it? I don't care You judge you judge I don't want a judge But show me you kids penis. I'm not I'm not why because I can't I can't believe it now You're making fun of my fetus. I just can't believe that's not a fetus So it's you so much have to find something to elevate yourself above me that you're not above you You can't above you kid Bobby almost turn this into an abortion argument Feet is it's a person Your fetus is five more weeks advanced in mind, you know what it's five more inches

Where are you getting that's a lot of your fetuses. They don't do that. Yeah, they do. You ask for a dickish slip of a 20, but they'll give you a 20. Yeah, slip of a 20. Did you do like the 3D imaging of his dick? I'm doing that next week. Oh, you can't tell from the ultrasound, dude.

Yeah, you can. The 3D one, you can. Yeah, you can. Dum-dum. You'll put a reakin. You can't. I was talking like he's in a back alley doing a drug deal, by the way.

Why? You're talking like this. Oh, sideways? You know why? I'll tell you why. Is this how it was? you can't back alley doing a drug deal by the way outside ways you know why i'll tell you why is this how you're neck this house is on a slant a little bit and if i don't do it this way i'll roll right out the so i have to got to do it on a sideways motion so i can't defeat this way you look like a heroine deal

i'll tell you what I'm doing. I'll go down the street. Did I take it right? Speaking of fetuses, how many bodies you guys got on you? What's up? How many fetuses you guys killed? Me? Abortion? It's a liberal talk here.

I've got, well, here's a deal. I got one. We're condoms. I got two dead ones. I got one dead one. And then I got one, I killed and then one that God killed. Jesus. Toiletto, his name was Toiletto.

No, Jesus killed him. That's one. Yeah. I have one miscarriage. I love it. Miscarriage freaked me out more than the orgasm. I mean, the orgasm. I don't know how I can believe I can.

I can't. I can't so hard. Can you, can you, can somebody grab that? It's curtain. I'll get it. He's you can you can somebody grab that it's curtain? I'll get it. He's just gonna walk through the the the the walls Is my favorite poster of all time he came to his Facebook page at least once a day. Yeah, it's the best He's a lunatic. He called Lena Dunham. What do you call he said a unfunny potato? He's a lunatic. He called a Lena Dunham what he called he said a unfunny potato

He said her body shape like a potato you gotta go you sure I got a mic right there. I was gonna stick him into all right Goodbye no, well I I kept my only baby. I got to him about to get two tear drop tattoos for each one come on in Kurt What a how many? Zero to get two tear drop tattoos for each one. Come on in, Kurt. Um, what is that? How many tattoos? I have a liberal light hero. Zero, a boy who has three STDs. What kind of fucking liberal are you? He's going to, you're not a fucking, you can't get into liberal club without an abortion on you.

That might sound right there. Democrat are you? How many, how many abortions you have? Say it. Say it in the microwave. Tap it on the fucking microwave. What is wrong with your day, Bob? You have four.

Four, you got four boy That is way liberal way liberal. That's a plethora three girls really wow So two with one how'd you coax the second one? How'd you get it to do the second one usually the first one is hard enough What did you did you force it? Really did you pay for the whole thing? Really he met him all at abortion rallies. It's a sure thing. That's a great place.

It's a sure shot. I don't got to wear a condom. I know how this is going to end. What was that high school? It was in high school. You had the first one in high school. Really? You know, I didn't have that foresight. When you tell the story, you make it up however you want.

I had the first one I was 12. Her name was Christy Brinkley why not I had to steal money out of my father's pants pocket Really to get the money because I couldn't tell him why I needed that kind of money you could have told your father He would have fucking I could have told him I didn't want your father would want. Yes. My sonny pop this Jerry No, I'm my first one. I got it. You remember the abortion clinic in Boston that the guy shot everybody. Yeah, that's where I got my first abortion Like six months before that lunatic went in there and took everybody out Yeah, my first real girlfriend popped her up and took her in there weirdest thing ever was No, no, no, no, no thought she just tricked me off with lava soap

Do you guys all refer like we're having an abortion? Like they do with pregnancies. Yeah, like we're pregnant. No, no, no Borshin and you're losing a boyfriend Now do miscarriages count? No, I have one. That's God. That's God's gift. God is on God.

No. That's God's death. God murdered that one. I'm talking about you. You put the body down. I got one, but I tried to talk or out of it. Why? I'm dumb, dude.

I, you know, I mean, I can say that to the Lord when I die. Jesus. Jesus. That I was like, hey, let's not have this abortion. I can say that. But, thank God, it's like when people have the kid, they're like, I can't imagine my life if I had had an abortion.

That's how I feel about the abortion. Like, I can't imagine if she had that kid. Was it not your girl now? No, not my girl now. So, oh my God. That's the thing. The one before her. Oh, that's psycho, bitch.

Yeah, well, you've been. Did you ever look back at the girls? I did this. I've seen girls that I dated at certain points now and what they would have been like as my wife. I lucked out so much because some of the girls that I thought might be the one look like dog shit right now. Like, fuck, I wanna- Blown out, dump or blown out. One, look like dog shit right now. This is the best thing in life, dude.

Fuck, I wanna- Blown out, dump or blown out. Dude, I wanna go to church on Sundays, just be like, thank you, God, whatever. You saved me from this fucking no-neck gypsy. God's listening at all times. You know, if any of his ex-girlfriends are listening right now, they just cried.

I know, I am a no-neck gypsy. I have two ex-girlfriends that look like Marisa. Even girls you never got to even girls that she's kind of your girlfriend, dude girls that you never got to fuck that you were into and you just see him there. That's the best. Wow. What do you mean? Just like girls you always like. Yeah girls like that. I ain't gonna shut the fuck up. I didn't hear it the first time because you said that's the best. I'm trying to hear it the second time. Like, I just snapped on Dan. I'm sorry. Dan's eyes always make me sad. It's like a fucking dog when you hit it. I can't play with it.

I can't. If you wanted to come by, he said, text him. Dave Ho, let's tell him he's here. Yeah, it's all his leaks. I was just saying. Tom to come up. I told him to give bum. If you watch, though, if he was still.

Joe Listen, Dan's order going to stop speaking. What are you talking about? I'm practicing right now. Why why I'm throwing out pearls over here Last week I wasn't talking because there was an argument that didn't concern me. Yeah, it was well It did I mean to that that shit got eaten huh. Yeah, I was weird. Oh, yeah I'm weird. I should I didn't make some weird. He gets emotional By the way, you guys missed the best part the five minutes that the recording went out is what at least when Dustin said the most horrible shit That's when he brought up he was like is like oh, you know, I talked a couple waitresses that use the work for you

That cut out yeah, cut out and now nobody knew it really understood now you just brought it up You fucking that was god saying I don't want this on well, you know what? I'm better talk this episode You don't believe in god talk. You don't believe in God. What am I gonna do? What the fuck is that? You don't believe in God? And kill some fucking babies, man.

God would never make a man with a mouth that small. I don't believe in God. Prove it. Kill some fucking babies, dude. Get some girls pregnant. I'm just like, you're mouthy, Slob. What is wrong with you? You're like, you're just, you're fucking.

You're just a Greek fluke. Come man, you're fucking. Just a typical fucking Greek fatso. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, I was thought he'd take on this looks like a like a treat Williams if you like pinched his head up on That laugh Is met's good booking something wish to get honest really went deep with that By the way, Bobby I'll step it up met's girls here Bush together. Yana's really went deep with that laughter. Yeah. By the way, Bobby, I'll step it up. Metzger is here. Yeah.

That's to be able to nine minutes told three stories. The audience is not the fuck's happened. No, what the hell, Joe is. They're like, finally, there's a second funny person in the room. They have no idea who it is. Kurt Metzger is here. Yana's pop is Dan Soda, Joe List, Lewis J. Gomez. And the other voice you heard, the softer voice was, was, uh, the gnome dormant.

Uh, Kurt has the best, um, Greek joke I've ever heard. Does he stop sucking his heart out? No, I'm just saying that. Does he tell it as mouthful? No. It's like, like, so seriously, like, I will go watch it. First of all, and you're the best Facebook poster of all. I check in once a day. Did you get a show? No. No! What it once a day. I'm a fan of his

Honest, you're honest. I'm a Sexy Bob. Let me go. This is Bobby's fault for packing the show with a stand line up from a fucking Tuesday. I had to I had to do this for Joe Lisk, because he was so shell-shocked last week. I know, I wrote, I got like a half hour material in my back pocket from last week. Oh god, I was just looking at him, his glasses were fucking up. I was hurt, I was hurt that I was invited. So he brought me to a knife fight. I did.

You let me put you past out a pod. I had a packet out with funny motherfuckers who have hope He calls Greeks Greek diner monkeys Diner monkey from ass fuck Island. Yeah, there's a context to it shut down the podcast with that fucking loud dynamunkey voice By the way while we're on fucking given Kurt credit He is also one of the biggest dicks I've ever seen in my entire It's not I'll show you a picture of it. Yeah, I love this wall paper. We're tormented. I love this It's a solution to stop taking my actual dick out with dudes

I'm not gonna make it I wish you didn't you didn't make it last year of the year before why would you get this year? Didn't you used to be a Jehovah's Witness? Yeah, that's fucking that's like that's frustrating like you're a jov is witness and you got this huge cock you can't use it That's a fucking move. I just gave you a movie idea right there. That's a fucking movie ideas It's not he's got this huge hog is and he can't use it. He's 10% or 15% manager 20 you and Joe to roast have the same chest. The same body. My stomach looks like Joe's chest. Yeah.

No, but he's chest looks like Joe. I know it's a big dick. That's a two potato. Okay, that's a two potato. That's a four potato. Yeah, right. It's not that's a fucking, that's, let's pass it around.

It's like a two-second. I can't wait a second. It picks it up. But don't mention the whole aspects of the picture. I just want to say though, you're not circumcised. It's in your honest man. Okay, so that's not even a hard I'm gonna get in the background. It looks like It's closed It's close to there

No, but it's almost there but because I can see a bone skin over the helmet, right? So yeah, can I just see you? because I can see a poem skin over the helmet, right? So it's not me, so yeah. Can I just see you? Do you have a better picture of your cock? Kirk, can I see you? Is it a little blurry at the top? Kirk, I want to see the context of that one.

Hang on one second. Yeah, that's not fair, dude. Yeah, we got to see it. Yeah, we got to see it. Look at us hungry. We can see his cock. You ought to be hungry. Come on, let me see it.

Because I'm not the only one in some of these, so I can't like go over it. I understand what a big dick looks like. I'm going to see a specific one. It's like a fan of the outfit. That's not only. I can't like I understand what a big dick looks like I need to see a That's not only Well, Fag Lewis put your hand in the picture like there's a fucking one bag of chips in the room. I relax Got to just listen

Here's a rule you can only talk about the check the dick Only talk about the dick We talk right to Bobby's all time best. Yeah, that was a good light Thing listen here, not only you should dick big. It's a fatso It's a fat your dick needs weight watchers. You're dick, because the helmet isn't as big as the rest of it. Yeah, it's like two things. Like you have my helmet on your dick. It looks like I got the wrong helmet.

Yeah, you have a Mr. Potato. He's got a Beetlejuice dick. When I dick out there, leave that one or enough helmet for him. He's like the 9th Grav, like a 9th Grav. A 9th Grav, a 9th Grav to stay back. He's still a nine-year-old man. A nine-year-old man. A nine-year-old man. A nine-year-old man. Stay back. You still have a pop-armist.

Yeah. Like, we're kids in those little deaths with the arm-pulled arm. Oh, you know. You're passing around? No, that's not passing around. Yeah, that's not working. No, I can't do that one. Hang on, shut up.

Do you have one that you can show them the other one? Yeah. I can't fucking. This is too much Kelly never comes back I gotta make that announcement she's not ah She's not coming back she's staying in Australia. She's not coming back. No, she's not coming back. She is It's bullshit sweater God. She's not coming back. She's staying in Australia for a next six months

It's her birthday. What? Are you being serious? What's it going on here? Yeah. What is your birthday today? Yeah. It's the best. Oh, yes it is.

That's really funny. Yeah, she's not coming back. She won't be on the podcast. I actually got somebody to replace her. What the fuck? What happened? Oh, that's funny. Are you serious?

No, I'm not. She's coming back. She'll be back next week. Wait, wait, what are we putting your fucking home as we are? We really all just got sad. Yeah. The real colors came out. No, I just thought she's coming back to be back next week We really all just got sad the real colors came out. No, I just thought near got a little bit funnier Surprise guys Kelly I love you. I'm the only one that recognizes your birthday. Guys, I brought chocolate. It's Mexican.

It's Bolsiaia. I brought my Australian chocolate. It's made out of goat's meat. Chocolate. It's real sugar. It's not cool to see you up. My father does Shakuriri. She's turning into Oliver Twist slowly.

Dude, did you show the hog to everybody? He shows dog hog. He should have a dog's tiny dick. Let me tell you something, man. If I could have... I'd be an asshole. What do you think people just fuck to that mean? If you had a big old monster dick.

First of all, how do you know I know? With great power comes great responsibility, Bobby. You have medium dick face. Hang on one second now. You've never seen my dick. But I'm guessing it's medium. How can you throw that out there? Bob has a curtain of monster cock.

How do I get you to know I don't have a big dick? I don't like your assumption. Am I wrong? Absolutely not. Take it as the most mediocre cop. Go around the room. It's not inches. We won't we won't tell you this. I'll tell you who's got a pretty impressive piece. Don't wait a minute. I'm gonna cover on scabs. Yeah, but he breaks even. He's got a little piece on it. So you hear that? Hang on. I said, even. Hang on.

Yeah, it's no. It's no. No, shut up. No, he's writing a song in his apartment. He misses being an artist. About the conflict. It's called the conflict. There I was on a podcast with my enemy on the other Mac. Let's get back to my big dick. Do you have a big dick?

He's got a thick piece. That's pretty good. All in skinny always equals big dick. Well, I tried, but we were in Montreal. Dan and I were sharing here. I tried to suck Dan's cock. And he tried to suck yours and he couldn't. I was trying to, we were sharing a hotel room

and I was in the shower. I thought it'd be funny if I came out with a full-on heart on. So I tried for like 15 minutes in the shower, but I couldn't do it because I'm not gay, you know. So I got like a, I got like a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, yeah, okay, came out with that. It was pretty impressive. Yeah, here's the deal though. Lewis wants us to jump on that because he thinks that we jumped on yours. Yeah, you lied in the bed. First of all, Joe Liss is you lied in the bed with a very good looking man, Justin Silver. Got naked and then decided to get hard on. No, he did.

I stood there and laughed. It doesn't matter. Right there and left. Well, I was gonna come out. I wasn't with him. Wait, he got hard on? He tried to, we told the story. He tried to work one up because Big J was taking a shit in the bathroom and he takes

him to touristy long shits. So Justin was like, he was like, I'll work up a boner and then when he comes out, he'll be lying in bed and nicking together and I'll have a boner. It'll be hilarious. Which it is kind of funny. And, Joe, he's just trying to hide the fact that he wants to, it's not funny. It's a day. It's a day.

It's a day. It's a day. It's a day. It's a day. It's a day. It's a straight game. Yeah, it's no be hilarious. There's no way around it. Joe what Joe did was fucking straight. I'm on my laptop. It sounds like the kind of wacky prank Sandusky used to pull. What's ever Dick's order? What? What did you say you're on your laptop? I was just on my laptop.

Don't do the fucking I'm on TV. I'm on my laptop. I was on my laptop at the desk and then I of a sudden the door opens at us your Joe go Joe's got a fucking plumped up dick Nice looked at it casually. I was like I got a thick piece bro. Joe my laptop So did that send me with a chase house this point Xbox when he's a little Jay And uh, I just here to go curl off Okay, Joe's standing there looking like size noodles from the Jedi Let me tell you something right now. This is why I love extra

This is my sweet boband. I love Joe to Rosa cuz he'll he doesn't care about being naked He doesn't care about fucking whippin his cock out or being funny He doesn't care about fucking whippin' his cock out. Or be funny. He doesn't care about fucking whippin' his cock out. Or be funny. He doesn't care about fucking whippin' his cock out. Or be funny. He doesn't care about fucking whippin' his cock out.

Or be funny. Or be funny. God damn listen. Where were you last week? Listen. I was shivering in a corner. I was shivering in a corner. I was crying.

To me and Keith were cabusting his balls. I was on the phone with them. And Keith, you know, I gotta talk to him. I gotta talk to him. And as soon as I gave him the phone, of course, he hung up on him. He sends this video He has three testicles

Like a potatoes the right side of his his balls of the Arabic side the left side is the Italian side He looks like it's like when he's holding it looks like there's no dick. He's just holding balls to it. It looks like a dog that was in a fire. It looks like one of the mushroom. Wait, the video, press play. It looks like a mushroom that you shouldn't eat. Like it would kill you. This is the worst mushroom ever though.

There's a... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's got to be the funniest anybody I do now I can't take my dick out, man. My dick's not presentable either. My dick's covered in braille. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I remember when I had that problem. I got to talk about warts of the herpes. I got the whole thing, the whole shbag. You can't warts though. I got to hold Pope Areda. It's funny It's funny because when you who are you fucking homeless people There's like the broad dog

You told the story this way is like some girl you always wanted to bang you know like fuck out. I don't care Yeah, yeah, that's how I got herpes. Yeah, I'm fucking homeless You bang in this brought under a bridge? Yeah. Fucking Joe Liss is fucking puddle. New York City. Fucking that puddle just winked at me. Fucking rippling. You see that oily puddle by the gutta?

Is that puddle mad at me? You think that puddle's mad at me? I just fucked that puddle right? I just fucked an ashy black chicken, a trash bag on fucking 87. I'm not gonna get anything, right? You like, I mean, if you openly say that, right? The black chicken 87. What? What do you do after? Like mean, if you openly say that, right? Black chicken, 87. What?

What do you do after? Like, is there like a dining service or something? Well, I have a girlfriend. There are. I just got to not break up with her. Yeah, you just have to find a girl with herpes. There are. I don't know if herpes.

I feel like I have to tell that. Well, not yet. I mean, it's eligible. I mean, we do Valtrax. I wear a condom when I have sex and then I fucking just a Feet worse than that. I got a lot of you. I'm all done your girl holy shit, dude Yeah, but I rod dog to every other girl for fucking 11 years I got murder now

Yeah, so I had to you have a break out like if you have a bad Saturday you like worried like you're gonna turn like the whole Not comedy related not because Not comedy related not because it's when you Should you get your dick did you turn it a little hog that's great? But you stress out you have an outbreak when you stressed out had an outbreak But I killed at the the world comedy club and went right away chose like my secret is I'm always angry You didn't get a do you get enough like turns like when you die it? That's probably important. I don't take care of it I'm trying to quit drinking which helps a little bit stress out

I got it every once in a while, but they're not that bad now So you get your dick breaks out like fucking sodas blotchy face when he gets angry trying to quit drinking, which helps a little bit. I'm sweating. I gotta be more proud of this. I'm so sorry. I'm sweating. I gotta be more proud of this. So you dig breaks out like fucking sodas blotchy face when he gets angry. True. Is it like, cause I get colesword dude, that sucks. And I get it like, that's herpes.

Yeah, right. It's face herpes what it is. Oh, it's, yeah. But it's like, every straight one of the other little hells. If you ever had the chicken pox, you get a colesword. So I don't feel guilty at all. I don't feel, so if you get your dick sucked by a girl with a cold sore, will you get her

hair? Yes, you can. I don't think you can actually. I'm going to say, it's a scabby scab. Hold on, hold on the doctor in the room. It's a doctor in the room. Doctor Gomez. Doctor Gomez.

Doctor Gomez. I don't think you can't. No, it's a different virus. It's the same thing with like, I'm not saying it's every body. They can't. It is a different virus, but it's a different strand, but it can be a- I think I'm going to listen to the guy with her piece Not this

Why did God not give Lewis Gomez her piece? Who was Jay Gomez? Lewis Gomez has plenty of her I changed the J Nobody's all fucked up somewhere And there was Jay Gomez is laughing at other high'm Joe a list and I am herpes free. Let me watch you ever watch like when you see like kids in Africa, you're like, how did that kid get my fucking aides that I should have got like, why would God do that? Yeah. Why you think you should have aides? I mean, I don't think statistically I should,

but I have the guilt of like, how did I not? How did I knock it? I should have got aides in fucking Brazil. Definitely should have. He's hard for heterosexual guys to get. Wait, it's pussy, right? It's, like, for sale. Let's not get into details. Okay. Hey, what do you gotta got AIDS? Any trannies?

Huh? In your Brazil. I think it is. That's like not seeing the Louvre when you're friends. I, we didn't do it. We're gonna come to Brazil. You must be our friend. It's very true.

We didn't meet any, and I was very disappointed. They look like chicks down there. They look like chicks. They just got a fucking going. You get honoros.com. You got us written to field research for the Mauricia character. Yeah, you can't, we didn't go into the section that had the tranny. Sure you did.

I swear to God, I wish we, believe me, I was written in Norton. I was fucking falling around like a little puppy dog waiting for him to suck a dick in a corner. 14 real. But yeah, we went to just regular, I mean, it's so crazy down there. It's not anymore. It's not as it was it used to be, because our money is shit now.

That's what sucks about getting pussy out of the country. Back when our money was the shit, we go anywhere, it's fucking, it's $10 to fucking the ass, with no condom and come on their mother's face. And then get chicken and rice. To deal. You get chicken knuckles where you're getting

just dick sucked by a family. For $14. For $14. By the way, by the way, how much was known not enjoying this podcast? He said he had the shit to do. He's tuning one of his 75s. He's actually writing a song for something.

He saw that one of his, one of his, one of his school portions. I think one of his people last year was actually on the voice and made it to the right to the end. And now he's probably trying to get some capitalized off that shit. Yeah, I guess maybe I should try Maybe he's gonna try to I would love to see no more the voice. Oh, that made me so happy if he won Yeah, it's not happening This is the place trying to play bon Joffi mama

Just killed the man. I think that's songs about it. It's isn't really It's not that was a room and that was about it. Is it really? It was a rumor that it was about AIDS, but it was way before it. What do you mean he killed the man with it because he had AIDS and he fucked him? Well, it's about you know my dick up depression Four AIDS that's what I said that was always before AIDS. That's what I just fucking said This guy last week Don't push Joe in the corner Oh Last week, don't push Joe in the corner Just focus in sorry. I got a bag. I'm an Amazon of coke don't fuck with it

You hear the fucking words out of my mouth I don't know if we'll cook in here. We got coke zero and diet coke yeah Would you Joe? I didn't know you stopped drinking all the beers for you. Oh, you didn't I texted you and called you crying nine different times With no response you did this beer. You didn't never call me crying. I'm with air for you. Oh, you didn't. I texted you and called you're crying nine different times with no response. You did this beer. You didn't never call me crying. I'm with air for you. You actually didn't. I called you and you said, I mean, this I call him in the middle of the night. Not at night. It was like 10 30. He goes, he texted me back. I'm in bed. What do you want? I think that's ridiculous. I'll read it right now. That's I got it right now. I'm in bed. If you don't, you don't pull out a picture of J. I said my girlfriend. Don't read my text. That's personal. I'm gonna read it If you don't pull out a picture of Jeteros and Balls right now, be serious.

Don't read my text, that's personal. I'm gonna read it right now. I said I'm lying and my girlfriend's in there. I'm gonna be able to get to see. I miss Dustin Chaffin having I would know him. You missed it, dude. You didn't hear it? No, I didn't.

We all did, we all won. The listeners. It just got really contentious and ugly. It didn't, it wasn't contentious or ugly, because I don't know what contentious is. What is it worth? What to listen Brooklyn listen keep that shit over on the other side of the bridge. We're at the comedy cell tonight you make a laugh you make a laugh loud and you make a laugh long. There's no

tea time you don't take a cookie break in the middle of your set your cock seconds. Anyways I was stay what else did I want to talk about? I'm rubbing away, it was all of a sudden. I saved your batias. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. It was like a fight because after it happened, I was like, what the fuck just happened? Because I didn't think it was gonna go that way.

I really thought it was gonna be a lot of fun. I was gonna get heated a little bit. And then they go, sorry, sorry. Because I know, no, I thought I knew Dustin. I mean, he showed me a side of him. I didn't really know because Dustin's just, you know, always been a sweet guy to me. Hey, what's up? What's going on? I'm going to listen to that. I mean, and they kind of went at it. And that took me by surprise. I didn't think that was going to happen. I didn't think it was said on either side was going to happen. And then when it didn gonna happen No, did attack his comedy publicly though. That's kind of looking up to make you mad at me and he appalled and that was the

That's what he did apologize. There's a thing though I thought that was the essence and when he when he finally said you hurt my feelings. I was like that's it Yeah, can we just go there say sorry and let's move the fuck on and get people don't take people out of his line And it's all over but it was like they shook hands and then they're like, fuck you and then they started throwing punches again. They're like, no man, good fight, good fight. The fuck you look at it and then it just kept going on. That's exactly what it was like.

And then it was funny, Bobby's like, all right, we're gonna wind this down and I look at the fucking riot cast thing and it says 40 more minutes. So I'm like, fuck, it's the point of it now. Yeah, I know, it was, it was, Becky on it, I had to take naps after we listened to it. I was like, that was too fuckest one I've known. Yeah, I know. It was, it was. Becky, I don't know. I had to take naps after we listened to it.

I was like, that was too much. It was uncomfortable. Yeah, it was uncomfortable. It was definitely uncomfortable. But you know what, fuck it. That shit has to be done. It was real. Yeah, I didn't mind it.

I did not mind it. And he had that substance comedy. Yeah. And your wife is Andrew Schultz okay to work. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he was like, I think Andrew Schultz, I think. Here's the thing though, is that I- Thank that I thank you fucking this so many people

that don't didn't like my comedy when I first came to New York that look I got up to the strip and the guy was like yeah you're not ready I'm working comic I'm literally make paying my bills with comedy I work at the comedy cell and the Boston and I wasn't a good enough to work the strip I can't take that. Now you can't just start a lot and and and and Lucian. But here's the thing, it gives a fuck. Right, exactly.

Because as soon as I was on HBO, I was good enough to work everywhere. Right, yeah. Everywhere. And if we're losing, when you're losing at a die too. And if you're basically someone has to die, just a dozen have a shot. But they do die.

That's the great thing about. They do die. They don the great thing about that. I feel like that's the wrong goal to have anyway to focus on the whole club. I wanted to die. No, just to like, oh, I got past that club. Now, my crew, nah, I do. You get $25 and you're fucking pocket. It's 25. It's 30 at the cell. Where you at? 30. Yeah. 30.

Oh, no. That's a, the honest is bar shows a lot. I stayed to the stage. Where you start 30? Yeah Honest as bar shows a lot a stage of the stage No, just some of them don't know stage of stage stage man. It's all stages people you got people out there You got you got an audience in a stage. It's comedy. I could work the Times Square art center for the longest time and now That was a haunted house I go there and I scare people all the time. That place was hilarious because you do a comedy show and when you're coming out There would just be a nightclub going on in the hallway. It's fucking weird, dude.

Dude, I couldn't even get in that place to visit my comic friends. Maybe like six bouncers that would have to call to each other. Yeah, yeah. Just to get you in to go hang out with buddha. I hate that. I had to fuck it up. I had to sell it out to get out in there. I was like, stop, we get it. You sell out you sell out and first of all it's not you it's her

Just to the honest popper show without more As I thought I just be honest tonight You don't get to say sell out anymore You get two sellouts a fucking podcast Yeah, that place that place didn't suck. I remember I went there once and they I couldn't get in and That's fuck she's self-esteem. I was on the show and it's like who are you? I'm what do you? I just fuck you. And then when their lineup is made entirely out of who we use,

that's what we're all on up was fucking. I didn't like that's why I don't like these fucking barkers because especially when it's a time square because they'll come up to you and try to sell me tickets. Yeah. Mother fucking no comedy. Right. I mean, I remember once on my ass,

if it was me and Burr and they said that we were on the show Yeah, they do that. They were like we got a David towel Billy Burr Robert Kelly to create a show up to you right? Yeah, to me Yeah, Jay's got it in my name, but they said Billy's but listen But I go you I actually one time they were like dang cooks coming tonight If you and I went Danes coming and I actually called them on the phone I go, Dan are you at the fucking They get mad when you do that too Mad when what

You call on the shit man as I call ho hold on who gets mad the barkers? Yeah, well they're here new blown up on yeah, dude They're fucking they treat or I mean they like to fucking the kids in hostile that want bubble gum Bubble gum comedy dick it Fucking horrible. It's like the lowest breed of people literally the Foxy and war orphans By the way all of them will swear to you that they make $600 a day, but they dress like fucking poppers. Oh, didn't they?

I mean, Lewis, you hired all of them at one point. Yeah. Yeah. Because Lewis was the king of the streets. I brought them here on a boat. Lewis is giving speeches in a sewer down the way from being fake and in a, he used to have a top hat and a fucking, like, a pocket watch. You show?

You go above ground. Can I eat more rat meat, Lewis? Top pat and a fucking like a pocket watch you so you go above ground Dude those shows at times garage center Oh, they're awful that fucking lineup it that black show lineup. It always look like a menu Stupid names hamburger ankle bubble ice They all have one more hamburger and cool bubble ice chicken wings are putting on delicious show here tonight Bob a cute sauce is oh chocolate lava cake is closing These delicious, I'm really full, dude this new trend to like all new black homie check use their own fucking names Chicken fire is middleing oh chicken pop-pies going on

Oh chicken pop pies going on One time I give credit where crazy like all the new black comics now use their real fucking That's a great I was at high comedy club one time and I brought the Apollo down there Yeah, and the MC's name was hog wild. We had a hat and said hog wild I was Lewis and nowhere hat like that. That's a white dude. That was his day Wild yeah, and then Nick goes He goes bring it up and're gonna bring him up. And Nick goes, bring me up as one nutty fuck.

Yeah, I never got, I never got those fucking one name motherfuckers. So, how I know it's great. I think that's why I started. Well, how about people that add a middle initial? Whenever you do, whenever you do a black show, whenever you do a black show, they can never remember your last name if you white. You'll notice that? Well, that's how that, I mean, I would be just Kurt for a while when I'd be in Philly, because they were like,

Metzger, you want me to say T and Z together. You expect me to do those. You know, son, I don't get homework. Yeah, I would give it up for Kurt. I would give it up for Kurt. I would get brought up is give it up for yum Yum Or so that was actually insulting you here fucking yum I I fucked up a guy's name when I first started hosting and the guy got pissed at me He's had some crazy fucking

Stupid name, and I just brought him up. I say give it up for Greg, but his name was John something I got the first name wrong. I brought the headline, the fed lies name was Greg. And I was just a fucking nightmare. Yeah, I forgot a name once, who was it? It was a, I forget his name now, it's hilarious. But I fucking forgot his name. We forget how nerve-wracking it is. So host the show and remember somebody's name.

Remember how much time you can do. If you can slip that one joke in, how many credits it is, when the show has to end, Who will, you get fucked. That's why I stopped hosting. I used to host at the seller, and I used to lose my fucking mind. I've got fucking Alan Haley coming in. How's the crowd?

Anybody from out of town? What's going on? Who's the shot? The fuck up. Go up and do you shit. I'm getting til Haley. Yeah. Look for my two fingers.

Get the fuck off. I just have to light Godfrey's money on fire to get him off stage. He would go on and on. I just have to light God God for his money on fire to get him off stage He would just he would go on and on and I gotta go the fuck home We take the bus money and I'd light it on fire and then he'd get off you only way gotta get These are we get gopher off you know white chick get a walk Yeah, get a woman in the audience to look him directly in the eyes That's the end. Oh, that's the end. That's a 20 minute fucking,

well, you looking at bitch, you know where we come from? I'm a fucking, where we're supposed to dominate you. Is, is, is Kurt too good for the bandana? That got zero. Zero, what's the bandana?

What's the bandana? That's the bomb. Oh, I actually went along with it, so I should keep it. I thought the joke was okay, but it got zero. I mean, that's the bomb is the bomb. You're honest like, no, I'll take the bandana.

Yeah, actually. Oh, where? Oh, where? Oh, where? Stages of stage. I start, start calling them my curbs. Like, curbs doesn't have to have the band today. Yeah.

I mean, I just want to wear a bandana. What time I told the host, I said my name, he goes, what's your name? And I said, Joe list, LIST, LIST. And he brought me up as Joe list, LIST, LIST, D. Oh, I'm sorry. Dude, your story about that. Come on, dude, I just got to be in the end of this.

So, you just put it around the microphone, not your neck. Oh, you're sure? That's one I look fuck in each way. The Ferguson? No, the guy who went to contest and in Boston. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a fucking... I was at the Providence Comedy Connection and I think Rich Sysler was headlining.

I was middling and then the MC was his second time ever on stage. He won a contest the night before and the contest goes by audience reactions. We just brought like 40 people in one. So his second set ever is a paid Friday night MCing spot. So he goes up to crack story. It's packed sight story and I at the bar and the product's connection is a bar in the back of the room.

We're at the bar with our backs to the stage and we're just talking like, yeah, I can't believe this guy. It's the second time. This is crazy. All of a sudden we're just chatting and I just hear voices like, woo, tough crowd. And I look over to my left and the MC is just sitting at the bar with me I'm like what he goes dude you're up He just bailed on his time like too. It's I look back right and there's 150 people looking at the bar empty state He's like yeah, you're on like what the fuck you've been on for four minutes I had to run up there and I guess I'm like I'm not doing that guy's time. He just bailed. He just left.

He didn't say goodbye. He didn't bring me up. He's just like that's it. What is with these plays at the bar? Especially on the road man, they think the host is the least important part of the show for some reason. Yeah, whoever it is, that's a guy we can pay the least. That's what fucking Eastville does. Eastville pays 3750 a show to host on the list. Somebody doesn't work at ease for anymore I don't fucking wait You tell me easeville is run poorly by

Now what do you have a falling out about I fucking told my no one else anymore? Do you want me to settle it? I told him I didn't want to host shows anymore said I Didn't really about the money. I just can't spend my entire night at Eastville for 30, how did he come to the show? 75 for two shows. Uh, so, uh, I'm gonna ask hold. Yeah. So then I told my, I didn't want to host anymore.

So he's like, he's like, all right, we'll come in and, uh, let me go over your jokes with you. I was like, did I been working for four years? More. And more, more, more. Let me go over your jokes. Yeah. He asked me for an unedited, edited tape for editing. I used to work there.

He asked me for an unedited, five minute tape. What is that? I was like, he's like, I was an edited five minute tape. He was like, oh, no, he's like, no. You got the fuck in it. You're splicing it together. Franken signing your fucking one minute. That's what he said. He said, give me a five minute unedited tape. What does that mean? He wanted it. He wanted to see my brain. But no, what happens? I went in. He didn't want transitions in between. Is there an epidemic of people sending out

The style but the editing was amazing you don't want credit to the beginning style On a world on a stage weeks ago So dude I fucking I went in and I'm swearing though I showed up just as just as no's settle down with the fuck bombs. Sorry bro. You say fuck more than anybody. I can't ever God. Oh God, he didn't get it.

So I go in and he told me to show up a half an hour early to go over my jokes and I'm like, I show up 25 minutes early and he yelled at me. Showed up? Yeah dude. I take a go over your jokes. Yeah, with Marco, you get a Marco go over your jokes with you. Yeah, let me tell you dude.

Now here's where I move my mind. See that's why Yeah, let me tell you dude. Now here's right. See that's why comics taking in the ass. That's why we take it in the ass because we're willing to do shit like that. It sucks. I admit it too. I sent him a fuck it. I should have told him. Go fuck yourself.

Was it unedited? It was unedited. That's why I didn't get in the club. No, so then I show up 25 minutes early and it starts like berating me in front of Dave Kinney and Chris Tinkle Which is making me feel as good of Dave Kenny and Chris What he has Dave Kenny Chris Tinkle So then I fucking took cavemen. Yeah, so then I'm fucking like I'm just like kind of annoyed and he can tell him annoyed

He's like grab a joke, so you know some kind of telling the jokes because like I could tell you're not you're not happy that I'm doing this I was like now dude honestly won't be honest. We boys with friends right here's like yeah, I was like well I don't feel as ever after I've been in comedy for almost eight years. I should be going over my jokes I feel like either should work here or not work here and it's like this is your problem That's why you're nowhere in this industry started saying you call me in grateful and I was like you know what dude I don't know what's a lot of points they do honestly You're an in great dude You know what you can just say is put a rig and you don't need to go into details. Yeah, let's just call it is though

Out of line. Yeah, so I left I walked out of it. I don't need to work the club. By the way my girl was a bartender there Yeah, fucking I do don't talk about like this is like my home club two weekends a month I don't work weekends anywhere now, but I'm doing great You know what he was right you fucking idiot. He threw away a good opportunity You should have let him fucking massage some of those shitty jokes you have and then and kept Either you fucking either you book a guy you don't book guy if you're not a comic But he used to be a comic you're real ass to find his fucking say Bobby Bobby is too fucking Two to two nice guy to bring up his set on

His fucking what are you talking about? You know where to find it? Yeah, go. Oh yeah, so Mark. You two Marko Elger it's on YouTube Bobby is too fucking to do a nice guy to bring up Find it You Is been waiting to do this I did it on Legion of Skanks, but we have 400 listeners a week So I was waiting to get bring into the break big show Yeah Yeah Good good good The best part of this is cuz it's dude real art. It was to be a comedy critic now let all these listeners critique this But he really feels this the most amazing part about him is like he felt like he really knows something about stand up and sure

Real quick guys what's his last name again EL I mean this yeah, this is for Lewis, this is a long time coming. Can I tell the best MC story I didn't want to move in that subject? First of all, I'm going to find this, go into that. Real quick.

But look, I don't know, I didn't know he did comedy. He owns the club though, right? He doesn't do comedy anymore. There's a, okay. We were talking about like people winning, you were talking about that guy winning a spot as the host, Nate and I were working at a club in Erie, Pennsylvania called Juniors. And they literally, you were talking about that guy winning a spot as the host. Nate and I were working at a club in Erie, Pennsylvania

called Juniors. And they literally, you literally can just decide if you want to MC or not. So this guy, never been on stage as MC and for us on a Friday night. He looks like a retarded billbur. And he's talked like this, he's got that, he's got this speech impediment.

And he goes, and I go, so you ever done comedy? He goes, I just carry oaky once. He goes, he goes, he goes, he went pretty good. So he goes up there so you ever done comedy goes I just carry okay one You go Pretty good. So he goes up there his whole family's there. He bombs and then the you know, it does like an awful intro He's like this comedian dance-hoter live with the Gotham Where's the name first and the credit after when I go up there? He sits in the front row and starts heckling me. He literally starts going Yeah, like a shit and then and then the next show he was like that was fun, right? I'm like are you retard? I think it was a retarded person

Great, but that was Billy burn Yeah, the inequality is like it's a muscle unto itself Like it's like if you have a bad MC. It's like having put some more food Is this it? Yeah, it's always like, I fucking stuff in his factory face. Is this it? Yeah, it's it. You guys want to talk about food, fucking flying out of his mouth? I gotta see, I gotta make sure this is on. Alright, here we go.

This might be loud, guys. I'm sorry if it is. I don't want to really, because you got to understand, like, there's not just some guy telling Lewis how to do it. Said, it's a guy that gets it. I'm going. I'm that I do it said it's a guy that gets it. Let's all right and then at the end can we decide who set was better Kelly or his? Imagine having a personality of somebody who would say that to somebody come over will go over your set. I mean, I mean, guys, I'm going to say it was me because he was trying to help me.

That's what he was saying. He was. We all are. I'm trying all are sure to help you now. I'm not trying to feel good about myself Try to help you All right here we go here it is guys and Bobby fucked up completely I didn't it's right here you fucking cocks. Okay All right, you know, I like that feedback. Is it bad? No, that's fine Alright, in Rolex that feedback. Is it bad? No, not fine. There we go. The honest can finish this fucking falloff in peace.

I'm going to ask kitchen, broken, no kitchen. Now, growing up, I grew up around hip-hop, so I'm like, I'm a big hip-hop fan. I feel like it's a little too commercialized these days. You know, I was watching, it was a Twix-Key commercial, and the guy was rapping. Did you guys see this? The guy was like, chewy, crudchy, chewy, crunchy. Wait. That's hard. Sorry, premise, solid premise, murderous.

But sorry, I think, what if former suitable companies did the same thing? I always like the what if, calm. I just got to say, what if we took it this way? Oh, boy, dang, because we should probably explain the peels of laughter coming out of the couch. Combo. I just got to say, what if we took it this way? Oh! Oh, boy, thank. Because we should probably explain the peels of laughter coming out of the cow. This is a bringer show.

So I'm going to do some bringer shows. But look it. Okay, look. This is definitely a style of comedy. You might not be a fan of it. The old, what do they call it? The pack. Jesus, Louis, settle down. So he explained the setup.

And he did a little, a little rapin. And then a twist. And the twist. And here we go. Let's see what the payoff is and go. Itchy. Scratchy. Itchy.

Scratchy. Feltrucks. Joe, let's love that joke. And by the way, it was better than most of Lucy's material I think you should have took the fucking hell It's like you want somebody's all a bit better you up there ranting, you know fucking people and I you know You should hate people you should be able to help people whatever the five never seen your actions never seen my But my little side note Bobby asked me. He's like I think I do what he does. I need 50 bucks

And I got all bright eyed and happy I was like yeah, yeah, I'm a veal beside it It's like I'm gonna move some shit into a storage lock. You want to help me out? Fuck it asshole Here's the other I didn't know fuck you. I didn't I look it. I thought I needed help I need like a man to help me. And he doesn't know any other men. I don't, I don't know any other men that could like carry something without bitching, all right?

So, so do you look like a guy that could do it? Not that guy. Yeah, but you're not that guy. You look good in the fucking hoodie, but you take you clothes off, you're a mess. I know Joe list. To horse dad, buddy. Yeah, list is fucking, I just feel like his knees are always hurting

every time I look at his knees his knees are beating a subonus knees his knees are fatter than his upper leg you know what I mean I'm a runner I run eight miles a day all right well I know you couldn't carry a fucking bookshelf with me without going you don't have a bookshelf let's get that out there I think you met a fucking two microwaves your personal fridge bookshelf I need someone to help me carry my... Dude, I got a twerk mill in my bookshelf. I do have a treadmill. I have clothes on it, but I do have a treadmill. You do microwave.

Shit. So I just figured out... Red box is pretty heavy. I thought that Lewis was big enough and strong enough. And you'd help me and I throw up some But you know what dude if you're gonna say it you're asking another comic if he's available Sunday and if he wants to make 50 bucks That's fucking hilarious. You know fuck you're gonna play the hey dude. I need some shit move You want to make it? Oh, I know so I can as Marco pointed out

That you might you might you could use the money Okay, and maybe some point is maybe I'm not working weekend. Let's say if you were the bird network. Yeah, maybe we start talking during lifting and I help you with some. Can we use some more Marco, please? That's right. I know that's what people want. No, Kurt. That's what the man wait. I'm it. Does anybody here work? He's no. Nope. No. Look, I look at I have nothing against Marco. He's done nothing to me. But me neither. Hang on. He's done nothing but been nice to me. And as said, and as happy as he tried me to get me

down to his club, I just never been able to work it out. So I can't get past that it's painted like a surf shop. Pfft. Can you? I'm weird. All right, fuck it. I'll give you that one. He doesn't have a street team, right?

Just people come. No, I used to run the street team there. So is it just a native? Our street are all from here. We got our real street orphan. It's just with this, listen. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. There's murder in there. I really hate cars. Who's poops? You notice that some of those drugs somehow end up causing them with their spools to prevent to begin with? It's like the birth control pill may cause dry mouth,

which may have a drink to kill them, get your horned and pregnant. So, it's your position. Jesus Christ. That's not particularly linear. I feel like the Japanese made a joke telling doll All different cassettes you can have white guy come hold the cord Well look man, he's I mean look I know you know, I don't mad him

I'm just mad at those fucking cons laughing I'm gonna find those By the way every time like every comic every thought I hated like I really don't ever hate I actually hate the crowds that enjoy them Yeah, because the actual comic I Now like I'm mad at these people I had a sick set last night and I literally thought I hit a next level in my comedy And I was like, I was almost proud of myself. Like wow, you really, you got it, Bob.

You went, turned to corner. Turn to corner and then I went downstairs and saw the act after me having the same exact killer set and I went, no, you fucking you stink. That's just a good crowd. It was off to you. What am I telling you? What a very comedian thing to say.

I was almost proud of myself. Yeah. It's approached pride last night. What a what a very comedian thing to say I was almost proud of myself It's it's um it's um approached pride last night. It's so weird Man, I did have great this weekend though at bananas. It's just I think Jersey is my home You know, I know I come from Boston. I love being town, I love doing shows there, but I do the most amazing shows in front of fucking Jersey crowds. They just get my shit. The worst people on earth get your shit. And I love Jersey, there's nothing hotter

than a fucking big nose Jersey broad. I do like big nose jerseys. Tom Wade throw a song called Big nose Jersey broad. I do like big nose jerzy broad. Tom way through to song called big nose jerzy broad. They change it to jerzy girl. I love a big nose on a sexy. You like them italian juneos is right? It's love them. Yeah me too.

I don't know why they hack them up to. I like young nose. Thanks buddy. I like kerch nose on a chick. I want that nose in his cock on When I was younger, I looked like, I used to look when I was like 17, I used to look like the girl from Don't Trust the Bee in Appartment 23.

It's commercial for that. Oh, the chick from a breaking bad chick. That's the breaking bad chick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Under that crash of plane. I didn't get it. You have to, well, for that. That sit com with Joey Lawrence was on with the girl. Blossom. Blossom. You guys like blossom. No, no, no, no, no, no, I do. There's something about that big nose fucking big titted

bitch. Oh, that I like you're talking blossom. Blossom had big big tip No, listen, listen blossom. I'm just saying you know I'm just a Bruser. I was a crazy. All right. You fucking child molesters. Yeah, but you got older now when she was punky brusher. Yeah big tips. That's not huge tips, but big tips. Do you do you remember a fucking blog? Because my sister's watched blossom and it used to make me mad like the TV is tricky me into thinking blossom was hot But she dated the jock from school. They're like, yeah, you'd fuck Blossom. I don't know TV. You think I like, yeah, barely a little popular guy in school. But, pal, you do that, right? I think six was hot.

Six was hot with all the goofy hats. Girls is kind of doing that with the music right now. What was six is last name? I had to pop up. Try to step up. By the way, you guys have heard of that joke. That was a great joke. Hey, girls, it's kind of doing that with Lena Dunham right now. No you think no don't set me up

I don't step on the job. I don't like this yana's current relationship. It's going on. You know hurts gigantic cars Yeah, what is like is like is like is Come on baby Come on baby Make a mega fun with Kurt's picture on it I wanted to hang out with Samuel Jackson and Django over my show Show Bobby's down no, I'm just put down the fun in the room. I don't know why. You walked in, everyone got sad and quiet. Yeah, maybe you're fucking hopes and dreams of being a musician face.

What is it fucking? Who is burping up Bearing's to Vlocky? Who do you think? What fucking dude? Right here in the corner. You're an agent. No. Are you done?

I got rehearsal. What was that? What was that? What was going on there? I'm going to some guitar parts. For what? For the song. What's the song?

What's the song? Called Have a Good Week in my colon smith guy my band. Can you do a world premiere on the show right now? Can you do a little bit right now for us? Come on. Come on. No, come on. No, I am not doing that. Let's just take some of that. That deserved a big laugh. Come on. No, I'm not doing that. That's hilarious. Do you guys have just take some of the lutes off the wall? I'm playing a little bit. No. Yeah, I gotta go. All right, nice talking to you. No, look at these. Are you a bard? We, uh, drop it stuff. Guys, I'm sorry. My allergies kicked in the last couple days because it was

like 50 degrees out the other day. And I get these, like one side of my nose runs and then I get a headache in my eye. Oh, it sounds like Joe Liz dick allergies. So a lot of it's just chugging my eye. Also known as an eye ache. I'll take the bandana. I'll have that thing all on. Is that bandana?

Like if you credit Joe throws him out there. Yeah, I haven't got the bandana because I have no fear. By the way, I'm about 37 for 38 right now. Yeah, Joe's a realized there. You throw a lot of them out there. I haven't got the bandana because I have no fear about I'm about 37 for 38 Joe's over you know you throw a lot of out there. It takes cuts. Yeah, he takes cut My comedians, I'm extend is roster. I don't like that. Oh my comedians. Shining Stenders roster. I don't like that Yannis has auto-shape forearms. Ha ha ha ha. They're all fat green forearms. Yannis has got mechanic body.

I don't think they did. All right, yeah. I just got it. Moment of my microphone. Ha ha ha ha. You don't even know that one coming around. Yeah. I didn't mean to insult you by doing that Lewis

I just I just wanted to whoa right that's why you really came right back in we haven't spoken about that in 10 minutes I know but I feel bad because you think that I was trying to sell to you know you want to teach you a callback Can we just go over Lewis's set right now Yeah, why don't you do a joke right now? No, I'll bring up your act right now. You can bring on my act. I love shit. Let's compare the two, shall we? Shouting.

Well, this always goes well. I never would've tried this. Are you putting Lewis's act? Is it on YouTube? I have some jokes on YouTube. But what do you have up? You got some jokes. Which I got.

If you play any, the noir ones is fine. Viser? Yes, on there. Good. That's a good one. No, it's not. It's a good one, dude. That's fine. He's not coming. He's not coming up at all Did you put jago? Yeah, jago J. Gomez is a great comic Those those are old ones though. That's a nine. I'm just your audience. I have to leave that's that's all

You're man to me do the fucking Let's go go type in Lewis J. Gomez up top on the YouTube page and pull by any of the ones from stand up in New York They're fine. That's nowhere stuff Well like the gay shit you can pull up the gay shit Fucking loud you didn't hear that no, I was impressed by Lewis's first line of his Lewis's first line of his joke. Whoa! Oh my f**k. Alright. Alright, here we go.

Ready? Lewis J. Gomez vs. Marco. From Eastville. From Eastville. Same club too. Comedy wars, part three. But right, right, right. The one, the two families.

It's bleeding down. Yeah, it's just, I don't know. It's the same. Get the A, it's crazy, man. Wait a minute, the FDA is crazy. He makes it point. I'm just making a point. He's after these nuts I don't even know how to get work done. I don't I don't know By the that's the move right there. No, he just needs to take this That you know what you want missing here's a thing. They're missing the visual. Oh, please look up Mark. Oh God said because he does some great hand moves Really interesting

Don't do it a lot of like what's going on here. Don't forget the Mike work. Oh his Mike work by his Mike work is tremendous Fans love it They tried to go in real sneaky to make cause they're a possible panic They try and throw it in real sneaky too. They cost a hair and possible that headache I'm at home like the dachshus a possible death He's at home when he's doing it How you gonna have a real boss with them? How you gonna? How you gonna? Jesus Christ, you're picking up at everybody's microphone. I'm sorry.

All right, here we go. I really got into it. You missed the punch line. I know. Now I have to play it again. Let's say Mexico. Oh, diarrhea. That's called.

I don't even know. It's called disenter. Let's do that joke. I didn't even realize. Death diarrhea is dysentery right here We got Lewis Jay Gomez You know what I'm saying? You are just a fucking game. I mean, honestly, God. I mean, most people play Penny football and Denny's. You try to suck each other's cocks quick before the last round come back. Not that I don't like loses, Joe. I've heard you say, you know what I'm saying?

You are just a fucking game. I mean, honestly, God. I mean, most people play Penny football and Denny's. You try to suck each other's cocks quick and you for the last round come back not that I don't like loses Joe I've heard this before is not that I like it but Marco was getting huge last and and and it's a rowdy crowd and in between the jokes it's quiet they're listening yeah nobody's listening to this fucking well the check spot. We're gonna do it like a roadhouse. Why would you put your check spot? I'm kidding

It's not a check spot Yeah, you're also wearing a fucking wool joke like every other dude. This is me when a fat stage where I wouldn't want to just wear a t-shirt on So we're fucking jacket cover my fat A million time from when I met Lewis Million times better. Thanks. I've never seen him. I feel like he's really getting really funny. I'm really been enjoying Lewis. Oh, Lewis.

I might sign him too. Hey, kid. Come on, baby. You know, Lewis is fucking guns, right? He doesn't believe in gun control. You know, we got to talk about that. I got Joe with me here. Do you know the thing?

Did you say a thing like Pierce Morgan with like they have 39 deaths a year? Don't take my gun, right? And we have like 12,000. Like 12,000 is not that bad, is it? Like, it's like three to 50 million people. That's a lot of fucking lonely kids with no dachsholes. School shooting today in Kentucky.

Two, two, two, three, six. Did you see the doc? I actually clicked on the documentary yesterday, one of the YouTube documentaries. Oh, the one at the San Diego shooting. I'm going to say it if you fucking don't interrupt me. I bet I was completely it. Can we do my wife?

Can we fucking content in a narrative and finish it on this show? Listen, he, they said the whole thing was fake and they went through how there was a bunch of other guys that they caught and the gun, what was fake? They killed the San Diego shooting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the fake. What they're saying that it's a that it's got to be somebody to benefit for there to be a conspiracy Who they are? Who's financially gonna benefit what are they saying these kids aren't dead? No, they're saying the kids are dead, but other people did

No, no, no, no, no, no, they're saying the kids aren't dead. It never happened Now that's just saying and here's the dude it's a stupid video and I believe the shooting happened But there are a couple fucking little weird things dude They lost me like the guy smiling before the interview that's not that Fuck this and the guy when it lost me when I thought it was actually a new story and the narrative But it was just a guy in a bullow tie with a ponytail. I was a guy and I'm out. I'm not I'm not listening to you Just cuz of that just a one-bolo tie. I mean one ponytail the loose change that stupid Just because of that just a one-bowl of time and one ponytail the loose change that stupid

Not inside 9-11 dot just the fact that kids has like an NYU little fucking cracker. I'm out Well, by the way they debated those kids on like CNN and they were the guys who like were just like actual like smart dudes who fucking Actually follow the shit. They've completely debunked everything they said and the kid who made do change actually said it was like Yeah, you know, we were just fucking making the shit in our dorm. You're like, you broke no shit How does people if you're in a dorm making it? I don't believe you whatever you're fucking first of all if you're not using if you're just using footage And from YouTube and creating this Creating a documentary from other footage on YouTube. It's not original like you didn't get a camera and go out and fucking do shit Fuck off about that Patrice documentary on YouTube? It's terrific. I thought it was all right Well, all right. Here's the thing. It's like I don't I didn't watch it yet, and I got a watch it

But it's like you never you never asked me right I'm one of his fucking friends and you never keep your in it Yeah, I know but I didn't why how am I it? It's a good point dude How the fuck am I in it will ask me let me see what you did with me how the fuck do you know my friendship with him i didn't make it was a shitty dot you miss look at you when i talk to you i don't know i i i you're right you're right you're right you see was he really banned from the seller that really happened his alright what happened was you know the story tell the story in the documentary okay do i i don't know i don't know the last episode oh yeah you told it last month i don't even, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if I fucking,

talk to this kid, I didn't tell it in his documentary. No, no, no, you told it last week in the pocket, I'm confused. Look, Patrice just fucked up and told me, ask me any if he had fucking fake, you know, wooden teeth, like fucking George Washington, in front of his chick, in front of Mani's girl, and SD, and he got embarrassed. And Mani, you know, Mani was a temper and SD and he got embarrassed and man he you know

man he was a tempered guy and he flipped out and he didn't band betrays that night actually I just love that thought of it as it's this quiet. Hey man are you your teeth fake? It's just that random that's the icebreaker. It was one of the funniest fucking I mean it was funny Yeah baby welcome to y'all this poppin management. We gotka we got the flying Kurt Mezka we got the hammer and Lewis J Prospect I'm a prospect right you're not gonna get signed cuz you don't believe we got well Joe list I'm waiting to see what Mark was trying to come up with a nickname, but he couldn't come up with anything Shit list Herpes list

Shit less Joe her piece list That's just mean dude It's a little insensitive. Come on baby Joe I have to give you credit the only reason I'm in a monogamous relationship is because of your her best. Yeah, we were together Yeah, he told me the story in that two-month window. I was single We were sitting in a car me him Nate. I think Laker We were telling me the story about how he couldn't move. And every time his jeans touches dick,

I felt like someone was ripping his skin off of him. That was when I was like, I'm out of the game. I was like, I'm out of the game, dude. But you, your whole thing was, the girl told you she had it. Right before she did. Well, it's, it could be one of two girls. There's one girl that told me,

I think it was that girl. I think it was probably the the girl who said I didn't get it. I'm gonna murder you. But I didn't get an outbreak. But I didn't get an outbreak till like six months later, which is very rare that it goes dormant that long. And then when I dig at the outbreak, it was two days after I fucked a different girl. Do you get it two days after? Yeah, I think it's two to four days. It's usually two to four days. Or it could, or it could lay dormant. I mean, you could have a strong immune system or something. So it's one of two. And where could or it could lay dormant I mean you could have a strong immune system or something so it's one of And will you drunk do you think like you're drunk and that's why you were like I

I wasn't that drunk at that that the first one I fucked the girl But what happened was I was already naked with a boner making out with a we were both naked But he's sure as he can't pass that's when you need to get some that's when like his career is gonna get He had quite a bit. Hey ladies. I haven't been on television. How was the girl? She was hot to me. I had known her years earlier. She was covered in tattoos, which is kind of hot I had to hide the herpes She looked like she had her Yeah, she's right there in her thoughts. She had a pomegranate tattoo near her pussy

It was a crocodile with the bumps But once you're he tattooed that's as bad as being drunk once you're there once I have sex on my mind That's what's happening next you really? This is a central motherfucker dude. I don't know that's also called a rate shows a rapist dude I begged to differ if a chick tells me right before I'm about to fuck her hey by the way I have herpes. I'm gonna be like I can I get a hand job. I'll get the nut out right But I'm not gonna put it in the fucking mouth. Oh, you get the nut out. I was already, you get the nut out. I'll get the nut out.

The fucking nut will come out. Get the nut out. Did I get a girl on time? I'm not, she was gonna go suck that. You got a girl one time, stop. That's the end of the story. Oh! She was gonna go suck my dick.

And then she was like, how my throat's been bothering me? Like, I'm afraid it might be herpes. I was like, what'd you say? Mmm. This is, she fucking threw up because your uncircumcised cockhead laid in it. Alright, whatever. I think you step on the joke if you have a like to.

You, you know, current looks like, current looks like Rota's sister if she had cancer. I don't know who Rota is. Yeah, right. Nice talking to you. Mary Taylor Moore. Did you, uh, your son, he's not circumcised yet. It's annoying.

Gotta get it. Drop it off the fucking, the doctor said that we had a wait. David Tell, what's going on? When is good? I wanted to come and say hi. Telled him to come up now. I did, he told me. And now I'm stuck on an LA call, which is all right.

But thanks. I don't know, that was, well, no. No, it's just January. Yeah, he's on the call. But thanks to the end of January, 2006. I don't know, is he coming or not? I don't think so. All right cold David Tello is gonna come on the show Fuck that would have been greater than anybody. I wouldn't watch him a carol kiss Hmm that tells fucking awesome

I One joke that I'd still if I think about it makes me laugh He found a dildo on the on the on the bus. He's like I found a Rubber dildo on the bus. on the bus. He's like I found a rubber dildo on the bus He goes how did I know if it perfectly? Why was I wearing a guilt Bumplug, yes, I bup plug He's really just fucking everybody's jokes

What do you think of girls? What do you think of girls? Oh, mouth is Brooklyn. Oh, Calvin. Oh, Calvin. Oh, shit. Here's a voice of Dusty Roots. It's Sweet Sapphire. No, he's doing Jimmy Hart.

I know, but it's a terrible Jimmy Hart. It's not a bad Jimmy Hart. I thought it was a good one. Come on, baby. Do it up, Curtis. Who is you, Jimmy Hart? I didn't know. Come on, Jimmy.

Dude, if I try to put like a high-pitched to my voice it just goes out completely I want to hear that do it You like the worst tranny ever It doesn't even try to fucking fake the voice God damn it. Well guys. This has been a fucking great show Guys this has been a fucking great show You're right I got an itch in my throat. I hope I'm not getting sick then it may give me AIDS Probably herpes which one? I don't have herpes. I thought I should add herpes. I banged a lot of chicks with herpes You did oh, yeah, they told you know they told me I got herpes. I'm like I don't give a fuck I'll get it. I know a lot of people with it. It's like it's a bad

I'm a fuck because you didn't want to get in the club and you got it he wanted it. I didn't want it I just I'm not I can't mind. I just hate it. You just wanted to get it over with like a bug chaser. It's like freedom He's a bug chaser It's the gift they call it Everybody had it like everybody has her piece No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, out of all of it. Yeah, from far, I got it. It was in Boston and I was just like, I don't give a shit. I have herpes. Good for you. Wow. Boston for you is the top that I've seen in movies, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, it's like nice for both herpes, filled, worse. Sidney, do you have a breakout? No, all right, then let me, let me, let me, uh, Funch a boozey. I liked blow jobs. I never really liked fucking brats. Because fucking to me, um, I was just, uh. I never really like fucking brats Cuz fucking to me

I was just I was just you sweat on them. It's fucking awful to a perfect out of dude. I'm fat I wasn't fat back then it was I was in shape. I used to fuck a lot of bras It was just fucking them was just such a it was over to get ahead It was like this build up building a second dick and then you I could you could keep fucking around and kissing if I fuck you It there's so much I got so paranoid of yeah of my dicks inside you. I want to come in you I got a little giz maybe Kate I get all fucked up. So it's like just let me let's fuck around I'll eat you pussy. I'll finger fuck your ass all sucking your asshole. I'll make you come Yeah, I'll lick your ass on again. how I met Bobby and then I yielded the gentleman

Blown me yeah, then you blow me I would get all my head I get all fucked up in my head if I had to fucking girl so I just suck her asshole You know cuz I'm a germaphone I like to eat an asshole sucking an asshole I'm not sucking fucking shit from the asshole Oh, then we part ways What do you think is in there? Dude, that's what's in there, it's not fucking marshmallow

It's not shit in the asshole, the shit's in the intestine You don't store shit in your asshole The shit's in the intestine. We told you, you don't store shit in your asshole. No, shit, the shit is in the intestine. Yeah, but it comes through. You don't think it touches the wall? There's a fucking pizza shit poking out of my asshole right now. What are you talking about? There's always a piece of shit constantly fucking out of your asshole. Your ass is still happening.

You do do a basic oil check before you do. You said, yeah, you say do do. Yeah, you taste it. I'm a common nod. Did I was fucking a chicken the ass once? This Asian broad, the same chick from J story, the doggy pussy story. I was fucking in the asshole.

And dude, literally, at a nowhere, I just fucking smelled the most rented smell. And she shit all over my dick and balls. Oh, good. And then she was embarrassed. And she was like, God, a girl put her finger in my asshole. And it was like, she unclogged some constipation.

Because the whole room just smelled like my shit. Really? Really? Yeah, it's like she unclogged some concentration because the whole room just smelled like my shit. Really? Yeah, it's disgusting. I didn't have a clean ass. I sprayed an axe body spray in a girl's asshole one time because I was fucking her from behind. It smelled so gross that I reached over my nights and grabbed axe and just sprayed it at her ass. That would have been a great commercial for axe.

Now we know you like fucking licking guy asshole. It would have been great if she just fucking sort of burning. Yes, it is. Yeah. She did it and nothing to do with the axe. I remember I fucked a chick. It was a massage girl in the ass. She was a... She was a...

They're called Asians, but keep going. No, no, no, no. I was a white cat. Comfort women, I believe. It was actually a white cat. It was a white fucking goodwood joke. It's funny. He's fucking on his team Sign I'm about to get signed Tell me jokes

I didn't know I didn't know. Come on baby. Thank you Sam Jackson. I haven't seen Django. And he was so good in that movie. Sam Jackson Django. I fucking, I fucked up. She was giving me a massage. And she started sucking my dick.

And then I got way carried away because that's not supposed to happen. She was a square massage therapist. And I just started sucking your dick. Yeah man, it's just, I was doing this thing and you might laugh. laugh you might not I was doing this thing where I was trying to use my mind She would slowly touch my hand and then I was pretending I was a panther on a branch in the Every time in my brain every time she touched my hand And every time in my brain, every time she touched my hand, I'd be like, yeah, yeah. And she felt my energy.

And then we touched hands and we clenched, we locked fingers. And then I used my thumb to rub her hand. And then she slowly went down and touched my dick. And then she started sucking it. And it worked. I used my powers to get her to blow me. It's a great story. And then I just jumped off the bed and ripped your skirt up and

Stuck it in our asshole just write me the ass right into the ass, but she had shit in it And I just immediate you should have put it in her pink Panther. Hello. That wasn't bad To the put it in her pink Panther. Hello, that wasn't bad. Maybe it was bad. Tell it to the curture. Tell it to the curture. I fucked the girl in. Tell it to the fucking babush you do. So yeah, as soon as I stuck it in, I pulled my dick out. It literally went in. It was like testing to see if shit was in there.

It went in. Touch shit came back out. And I was like, all right, you have an inch and a half of shit in your asshole. You can see by my dick. I can't happen. I am like in like an oil dip. I was like yeah, it was gross I fucked a girl in the asshole in the shower once and then she left the shower and I looked down There's about two inches of water. It was a perfectly round shit ball. It's floating around. She's like a soccer

It was almost like my my dick had molded it into a certain that was actually a kid from some other guy six months ago Which is turned into a ball of fucking it was a perfect circle just a perfect ship ball look like a thousand year old egg And then I kicked it down the drain, but it didn't go so I squeezed it with my I Should ball we just assume it's We just assume it was You really give every detail he's been saving it ever since it didn't fit It didn't fit remember I guess we shouldn't say our name, but but uh What's your name that used to be my girlfriend and you guys all fucked up red head? Yeah, I didn't fuck her

Oh, did you a lot of guys it yeah, but I didn't you guys are all still friends? Kurt would have fucking triple team is girl No, not not her though before her also I found that's a term apparently Eskimo brothers The comic from the comic from the comic strip. Oh I got a term for his cold bad friend I like I actually like ask about what's asking I think we're all ask a friend fuck your girl Eskimo cousins put that girl. You're gonna hang out. I did fuck that girl. I fuck I want to know I did Evan Steinberg breath. Let me finish

God so we're gonna go you on file Oh God so we're gonna go you on file and God damn Eskimo cousin ask your brothers and when you when two friends fuck the same girl that I'm necessarily at the same time just in general It doesn't have to be a girl. It doesn't have to be a girl. You're fucking Well, then it's not A lot I fuck you're in the ass a lot, okay, and my dick would come out. I would say cleaner than when it went in I was just good fucking like

Cleaner like I had nothing I'm glad that it's a flat tire. Oh Jesus cry when your dick was a Cleaner came out as repeated what he said perfectly clean. It was really amazing We would make the worst improv team ever give us three things It was my dick was get cleaner. So what you dick with it was cleaner Nice gyro burp next to you We don't you know how he's not getting it, but are you not getting a week sense of smell? Yeah, I don't know Dan's others knows the smash into his face

Oh, it looks like the prize money. Dan and I know you want to answer this because you're a fucking corporate dish You have a fucking chicken the asshole never fucked in the asshole. You ever get fucked in the asshole all the No, I've never you never a girl play with your asshole. Have you were fucked to a chick with another dude the same time. Yes, who who in My freshman year of college. Oh, my buddy Adam double team this chick Mandy She was hot. She was really hot way too hard to be fucking flat nose Oh, yeah, monster like you and I had and here's the crusty part I only got my dick sucked, but I had my shirt under my chin like a little kid ping I only got my dick sucked, but I had my shirt under my chin like a little kid ping. Yeah

Your ass from behind your ass how you know you're Like the track team kids I did under the chin and then my buddy banger and then like he came real quick And I was just getting ahead and I was just drunk and I was like we just keep doing this if you want She's like, let's come back to the party. I was like yeah really yeah, I like I like Lee It look at an asshole to me on the chick. I love because girls pretend that They're so above you know, they mean they love the dirtiness and when you go down on their pussy and they're just like us same as us We're all fucking homos. We're all homos And they're just like us same as us. We're all fucking homos. We're all homos And the chick goes down in your balls and then goes to your asshole and then you go Huh, and you fucking legs go up. Oh, not down there. It's like you have that little fucking radar that you create

Cuz she goes back up to your dick and you're just steady and then she goes back down to your asshole You're like you like the arch your ass up. I got so mad at fucking and I play away at lake shulty I feel bad. I'm trashin but he has this joke that made me so mad about getting a pinky in your ass What and he's like I don't want to try and he Paul he's just like pregnant pause with it He goes I want my girl try cuz what if I like it? I mean like Andrew you're gonna love it What if you like your prostate's there you fucking moron? It's gonna you're even need to touch your dick at all She just finger blast your ass

Your prostate is the male g spot it's you know what I don't like it I've had it. You know like it cuz you're fucking asshole leaks of oil now. I don't I don't like it I had a hemorrhide I do one time I had a girl go finger me the ass and fucking it like little luch It spread it out like a pomegranate dude Shut up it don't talk over it go activated the hemorrhide I out like a pomegranate dude shut up don't talk over it go activate it the hammer I think dude

eating pomegranates like it was asked by the way that's why I really got that one what's that? I just ate pomegranates recently and we were under show ruined a shirt yeah just that shit just just

I just found out I had a hammer yesterday that's rough I thought I had ask him we do shit what? no I didn't shit it Jesus Christ no

That's a good doctor That's right wait long when I'm right burst be out of pocket you shit blood I actually I had just had a lumpy vein in my asshole. Yeah, that's what a hammer it is you have have on I yeah, I Scared well I freaked out because I was wiping and I felt a nub and I was like what's that? No, but I was those waiting tables right so it just went out to the Wait a minute you were waiting tables and you felt a nub you're feeding people No, I was taking a shit in the bathroom and but you were going back out to feed people watching

I'm serving people you don't feed Spooning them it's a man is not much fun in Brazil dude. I got a little one of the Fiji No, I'm in Brazil dude. I got to lose one of the Fiji right? Not so fat they have to feed me. How much money do you make? Next spoonful. It's Bobby just fucking somebody's feeding him grapes on a couch. He's naked.

Fucking way to wouldn't even feed me. Why do you give me a guy like that? If you put a tailgorn on him that you just feed grapes still? I really would. Fat senator? We don't need to help them. Where are warring country? Only death brings us success. I just shit my pants, wipe my ass hole.

Bring me to the orgy. Where are my little fishes? Rome was built on blood. Give me another grape. Give me wine. Bob, why pop pop be the terrible you know what you had a little ball you had a little ball I freaked out you're not a con drink do you shit blood is it blood is it blood is it get irritated you can wipe and blood will be

at first you believe yeah but you get it from pushing too hard. How does it go away? How does it get you? Actually, everyone has a hemorrhoid in. Like it's if it becomes inflamed. Who the fuck are you? Dr. Dombaer's Lewis Chay Gomez. Hi, I'm Lewis Gomez. I don't like you.

Have a headache. Did I get it? I was working out. When I first started working out, I didn't realize you have to breathe. Stop pointing at two of us when you're making a... I didn't realize you have to breathe when you're like lifting you blew your ass out

I blew my ass out from holding my breath as I was lifting heavy weight really yeah dude I would have I would have run the bed and jam where he's like come on a little less three more and shit came out no it's just a hemorrhide fucking pop you started bleeding from your ass no the hemorrhide actually club now as a fucking rec center shitty $50 a year rec center What you was you started bleeding from your ass I'm hurting it didn't start bleeding. It's not hurting and I went to the bathroom

I checked and I thought like I thought I had a prolapse asshole really There's a video on the net of that happening to it. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. It's fucking The thought of it. We're your butt hole. Yeah, it's fucking disgusting. I don't like when guys fuck in porn, when they fuck the chick and her asshole comes out. Ah, yeah, yeah. It comes out on his dick a little bit

and then goes back in. And then when he pulls it out, it comes out and a little big droplets of shit come out. Who's that one girl that was like, she was like, that was her big thing. She was an anal whore. And then now her ass, this looks like fucking hamburger. G on. Who's that one girl that was like she was like that was her big thing she was an anal horn and then now her asses looks like fucking hamburger gauge she were divine maybe her too but there's other. Even brun. I think it's all them. Her asshole looks like a fucking star wars monster. It really does. I really

wait. Yeah I look at my asshole. I actually want to look at my asshole. I've been seeing it here. I'm a racist asshole. My asshole is, I'm not going to show you right now. I believe it looks like if you cut a horse with a knife, just slice them and spread it open. That's what my asshole looks like. Like an empire strikes back. My asshole's covered in hair. It looks like a shadow. You can't even see it.

My assholes gotta be different color. It's gotta be a different color. It's gotta be gray and gray. This is Dating, try giving me shit because I was putting on underwear. Why'd she give you shit? Well, there's a bucket of shit. I know you're into this, man.

Thank you. No, we had sex and then I went to the bathroom and I was putting my underwear on to go to sleep and she's like, why are you putting your underwear on to go to bed? I was like, because I have the dirtiest asshole. Really? In the world. I put my underwear back on because I don't like when my dick gets limp. I don't like that.

It's still uncomfortable with the guy. I don't like to sit there with like a little dick. I'm too self-conscious to put it back on because if she gets a glimpse at my dick, she won't sleep a wink. You dick looks like Freddy Krueger. I actually, I used to sleep it. Thank you Lewis. That deserved more. I used to break myself of sleep itching. Because I would, I got an asshole rash because of that.

Yeah, I'd be in the middle of the night, I'd be sleeping, and I'd just be itching my ass hole. And then one night my wife woke up and said, oh, you're hands stink. This is my fucking, my itch finger was near a face I was like I gotta stop this is terrible I listen you guys gave her a REM dirty Sanchez You guys thank you for coming in man. Let's go through these plugs because there's a lot of them Lewis J go as we're gonna Be this is coming up Monday by the way

Because there's a lot of them Lewis J Gomez. We're gonna be this is coming up Monday by the way Not Eastville Yeah, I don't think he was that bad. He's not that bad as far as comedy goes Are you kidding? It's not that he's fucking kidding is that it's that he thinks he's fucking in a position to tell anybody how to do He should never tell you why not us. He should never tell us what to fuck you do on stage Thank you for for for in his defense. He did stop doing comedy because he didn't know he stopped doing comedy He doesn't try to sell the comedy you don't you don't you don't fucking ever tell another comic that you're gonna Fucking go through his jokes with him and fucking judge you

Never do that as a club. I think he's a fucking authority. Nobody should at no club Oh, never fucking sit down with a guy who's doing comedy. Maybe a brand new guy guy who went through a school or a class maybe helped them a little bit, but unless you're fucking doing it as a paid professional for at least 15 years, you have no business telling anybody what the fucking drinks. Yeah. Club monkey. Like just like dine of monkeys. Yeah. Anyways. I Like just like dynam monkeys. Yeah anyways, I'm ass fuck I What do you got what do you got? I'm in the city learn my website go my comedy comm soon to be real as dude comm check out my date some more in the city

A lot okay Joe. What do you got buddy? This week I'll be at the comedy studio and Harvard Square. I've never performed there. It's real fun I want to do that. Yeah, it's fun doesn't pay me money though. I don't give a shit I'd like to go back when I'm doing some of the weekend. It's real fun. I want to do that. That's fun doesn't pay money though. I'll give a shit I'd like to go back when I'm It's great the weekend. It's hot. It's fucking best. It's one of the best rooms in the country It doesn't really but it's the fucking hot if you live there. It's nice. I'm gonna go. I don't know who does it So Rick Jenkins maybe I know I know I don't know no, but I know him. Yeah, great room and yeah Come on out to that and then February 3rd. I'm gonna be watching New England Patriots beat the San Francisco 49ers.

Woo! Go nine. Not at Bobby's house. Go nineers. Because it was an empty invitation that he gave at the beginning of the year. Tell you this, it's a fucking goddamn good invitation this year and anybody who wants to watch it

comes to my house, we're watching it. I got the room set up. I'm going. You coming? I'm going. You're there. We are there. We are the 45 West 55th Street. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Was really 345? Yeah, that's my fuck. Yeah. I swear to God, I just picked 3. I swear to God, I picked 3 random members. Yeah, Lewis gave Justin Silver's number out on the podcast. Don't you know that it's fucking you all Puerto Ricans have some psychic ability. That's bananas, dude, that actually got the number to your house. It's not. Let's get it. Dan, what do you got? Be it McGuire's in Long Island, January 25th, 26th. What are you talking about? Okay, I love that club. I don't know what that is.

I love that club and the guy who runs it, James, and his son's the best. The best. Great times. Give me a hand. They should use you. Yeah, absolutely. She mentioned Kurt. Why you there? Absolutely. I'm not gonna do that and take my relationship with them, but you do that Absolutely, you can let you honest do that. You mentioned mine. No, baby His son listens to his son listens so when you plug your thing you should ask his son does listen

One of his sons listens to my podcast great family. They took it over from the people that you stole it Just the nicest people ever. Can I audition on the podcast? Yeah. Do 45 right now. Yeah, we should go with him. Go to go with him when he's going out there. You're taking the train, right? Yeah.

Yeah, they sent a limo for me. Anyways. Hiya. I don't doubt that. You know what? Don't get real. Yannis, where will she be? Yes. Tell me where she is. Where are you going to be opening for her? She be tell me where she is

Where are you gonna be opening for her? Open in for my YouTube characters Crazy March 12th the 15th at the Miami improv and the Chicago improv from March 22nd to the 24th Please go see him. He's fucking hilarious and she's hilarious too. So thank you, Bobby. That's your journey, dude. What do you got, Kurt? Thanks. Nothing that great, but on the 27th.

Nothing, that's great. You're the worst plugger ever for yourself. I don't know. I told you, Amy shows coming out, but it's not until April. You're right. Announce that. Oh, yes. So Amy Schumer has got a show called Insighting.

And you're one of the writers. Right. I'm on it a little bit. I love you. You're on it. I did me and Norton did a little up a little squeaky thing I fucking Kurt is fucking I love how fucking you just you think he's gonna be a piece of shit It's just gonna fade away. You know by his face and his fucking face facial hair But he literally is a very talented talented guy and I'm honest. He's honest to I like that. Yeah very The 27's at the stands. Yeah, I'm doing some show to fight with you see it's like a debate show

Joe and I should have I read that fucking blog so crazy Talk about this they don't So here it is. Let me go. So you see me. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Oh my god, let me finish. Have you ever finished your thought on this show?

Anybody? So you see me don't pay comment. This is what they do for some of these shows. And I got no problem with like Whiplash, which is a donation show. You don't pay the comics fine. They charge the door. They charge a cover at the door for like this one.

If you build it Friday night, charge a cover. It door for like this one if you build it Friday night Georgia cover is packed out no money to the comics nothing not even fucking a little bit And they're like proud of that shit like well, we don't pay comics here So I trashed them for that right you but the independent producer though now the producer I don't even know why people produce shows there like you do make money. What do you get to say you're at UCB? No, they take the money. I think the place take all the money if you produce a show UCB They take all the money. I think Union Hall is same thing. I think they take the money or you get like a deal or something Fucking honor to be a fucking McDonald's of improv so

So I meet for the month's age right I had two shows there, which I did out of obligations to a friend Oh my god, I'll do it. No, I'm not going back this place Because that's how you're real real I stood right real I stood I do obligations I'm here for you not for them yeah I said it like that too by the way and I fucking uh so I made fun I bring it up to the crowd like they don't pay the comic show like but not like yelling I thought it was funny so so after the show they I thought they would come up to be like hey dude that sucks like don't come back here you know trash in the club that you're at yeah, they didn't come up to me

If you wanted to dude who show it was and kicked his whole show off the lineup right because he didn't control his comics Yeah, like what a bunch of fucking worms dude, so he has some debate show that sort of was so we're gonna do it The stands and then somebody from UCB's coming to debate why it's cool to not pay the comments. Awesome. I'm going. Why is this? Why are they doing this at the stand? Why don't they do that here?

Where? On the show? Yeah. Yeah. Well, call him a show. By the way, this is how Patrick Snaggletooth tried to set this up. Yeah. He was going to tell them they are receiving an award for being part of the New York comedy.

Oh, he's right. He's going to like come out and ambush them. I'm like, dude, are you a crazy? He's going to you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you a, are you I don't want to do that so that somebody agreed to come legit so it's a legit thing. I'll all wrong All right, we'll get him in the mess hall and then we'll shank him Southern I on the same show we're debating as well. What are you guys debating my dad? He doesn't love me and his dad is dead We're arguing which one is worse better to have a dad that doesn't love you or dad It's dad I'd rather have a dad that loved me for 10 years and then died now to rather have a dad still alive Yeah, but dance. I was dad never loved him so he was actually very outward with his love

Love I killed himself. I don't want to tie it here, but love me a little too much. He did throughout callism You're mother you father kill themselves throughout alcohol. It's my dad, but that is the same thing alcoholism Yeah, right in a trailer alone at the end I'm sorry. Yeah, what the fuck Lewis thinks he's got some honor cuz his dad got changed Yeah, it's not almost stabbed in the all of us have a fucking 22 year old dad. My dad was stabbed in the lower intestine. He was really murdered.

Louis said, yeah. Yeah. If that was murdered, murdered when I was four. Just about to graduate high school. I'm joking. He wasn't going to graduate. So that's at the stand. When is that 27th at 8 p.m.

I love to talk about that again after it happens. Wasn't he get Ted to go on with me? Ted Eligando, the thing. Which was good because I'm not. Yeah, because you both have the same facial hair. But yeah, it was gonna just be our facial hair. Yeah, because you get shot in the face. It won't get hurt.

Ted can't do it, so it was gonna be Mad Dog Matter, in which is, you know, Mad Dog Matter. It'll replace me for Ted Eligand, right? Why is the matter so much? I'm Mad Dogg gonna argue that Hey baby, come on baby Come on, mama said come on, mama Is he arguing that you should pay the comic?

Matt Dogg? He's arguing with, Lizard, Matt Dogg's, I love Matt Dogg's greatest host Yeah, he's great Yeah, he's great host I don't know how he's gonna be on the bait, but he'll have some kind of So this isn't a pretty big event, this is gonna be fun It's a big, yeah I hope people come to it. I'd be good. Do you talk about whether commerce get money or not?

It doesn't sound like it's a debate. It's just like, why would you just make money? And I don't get any like just peel off a fucking 20. Absolutely. What is the solid fucking Jerry Sandusky to peel off a restaurant? Aneve to do it. Oh, good call. to pee off Russman Eve to do it. Oh, good call, dude. I'm gonna try to get Russ. Russ is a really smart guy,

and he has haten his heart for people like that. I didn't even think to get Russ. Very condescending. He was one of the big three that did the coalition and got fucked a lot for him, right? Yeah, he's Russentating, but he's very funny too. So, I'm gonna call Russ, it's a good idea. All right, check that out

Those people just you Russ. I had to beat the pay dogs never been paid to do comedy, so that's a very good point I feel like I love mad dog, but he maybe diplomatic man Come on baby. Just pass something Baby pay us some chicken wings. Well Bobby's pissed. Wow. I'm I think. I'm going to give my dates right here. The 24th and the 25th and the 26th.

I'll be at side splitters in Tampa. I really like that club. So if you're in Tampa Florida, check that out. You get me in there. What's that? You get me in there. I might try. There's so many gigs and I have to get in. Um, and then the end of the month,

the month, I'm actually gonna be at Gotham comedy club, the 13th through the second. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 13th through the second. I already got an open. Who is it? Amy Schumer.

Oh, yeah. She's a bit bigger than you to open. Not physically, we. not physically. We I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I That was a great one. Yeah, well, she just needs to do some time for something. So she asked to jump on. And I was like, what am I going to say? Yeah, of course. Come on, that love Amy. You're great.

It's going to be a great show. So I get a little bit of a show. And I'm going to, yeah, Joe. Joe, I got bumped. I thought you just mad dogged me. No, Joe list is actually on the show too. So it's, I asked, you know, it's him, Amy, myself. It's going to be, I, I, I

don't know what I've been on a show. Like, as good as good. What's that? It's going to be a great show. So if you're around at the end of the month, Gotham, Kyle will give it to Joe list, who's a fucking killer. Amy's a fucking killer. And then me. So I hope I don't, oh, it's going to be a nice, if I just take a hot one every night, I'm just on a stand pontiff I wanted a baby so I'm having one oh amy's up there with fucking polish 25 minutes that she's gonna do on a next special and looking sexy I'm up there in a fat fucking hoodie you know

having a kid stuff I didn't what are you what are you looking at you can seeing me, you can't be seeing her, fuck off. Take your alternative fucking face and leave. Oh God, we'll see you happen, so I would hope more of my fans show up to my show than Amy's. I really want to keep it on the QT, just special guest. But now it will be fun, I can't wait to do a show. And Liz is going to be there, which I'm excited about. And Lewis, if you know, I'm gonna move some shit that week too if you need to want to come over and make some cash

You want to sell merch for me? I move stuff at your house. Yeah, all of his bookshelves and encyclopedias You guys are great man. This thank you Joe. Was this a nice one great one. So great glad to be back in a real I think we I think we orioed two of the best pie and I'm not saying this is Kelly's gone Thank you, Joe. Was this a nice one? Great one. So great. Glad to be back. You're in a real... I think we, I think we, Aureoed, two of the best pie, and I'm not saying this is Kelly's gone. I think the, not counting last week's bullshit. I think we've had two great ones in a row.

What are you calling Kelly a fucking handbrake? I love Kelly and I wanna, I can't wait for it to be back, but I'm saying the two episodes that we've done without her and then we had that other one that was a bit of a bomb and I blame you. It's, it's's this it's like Kelly You're saying what Kelly is like having a really nice car but forgetting the fucking emergency breaks on you pull it out of the thing Like what's something wrong? We were and then you look oh the Kelly's here. I'm saying the show's our great cuz Kelly's not here

He's saying Kelly is not funny. I'll tell you right now Kelly. I miss Kelly That's what I'm saying to I said it I can't she's coming back next week is coming I don't know it no no no not at all actually she does wood carvings she does good accents and stuff I hate her dumb American accent dry as bad in my mind she doesn't real life it's not even just in her act she'll do it in life is it better than Liam Neeson? I was the first person to put her up on stage in New York City. Really?

She's a comic, though, for real. Like, are you joking, Sean? Are you sure she's a comic? No, she's a comic. I'm just asking. Tell me, is Fawni? No. Well.

He's a... He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. I'm just asking you. stinkin' stinkin' You don't want to be here I'm stuck in the fog, I'm in the fog You don't want to be here I'm stuck in the fog, I'm stuck in the fog

You don't want to be here I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. Don't stop filming my face. Con volotea, la legión de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com