Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - I Love Surprises

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Bill Burr and Rich Vos catch up with Bobby for an awesome YKWD! It’s teeth, marriage and Patrice stories, plus a follow up from Allen Fuks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I haven't seen Billion a year. William Burns, yes, it's the last thing. Oh, last thing, as your kid. She's awesome. How old is it to now? She's gonna be two. Hey, why are you taking over my show, fucking interviewer, because you've seen, I haven't seen him.

I haven't seen him either since last year. Oh, really? No, I've seen him before. We talk all the time. Yeah, no, no, we talk. You and I talk. Oh really? No, I've seen him before. We talk all the time. Yeah. No, we talk. You and I talk. Oh, you're gonna be in the book, man.

Being boss talk. We definitely, yeah, we've been. We drinkin' a little mini coke. I know, what's this, a shot of coke? Thank you, though, for getting it. He's on the bottle. Yeah, he asked how tall you were and then that's the coke they gave you.

That's the only one that's fit your hands? Sorry. Okay, no, no, that's and then that's the cook Your hands. Sorry Looks like a really good shake his hand. It's weird. It's like me to toddler Worked all its life. It's all rough Calisers from golf. Yeah, he just said 83 yesterday. You. You're 83? I shot 83. Oh, sorry. In the cold wind. I know. I called you yesterday. You did? Yeah, we talked. Yeah, we talked on the phone. I don't, I guess

so many calls. I'm not going to remember every one. You're literally one of your only three friends. Yeah, I lost an orphan. You did? Why don't you talk anymore? No, I do talk. What was that time you talked to an orphan tonight? I saw him tonight.? No, I do talk, but it was that time he talked to Norton tonight. I saw him tonight. I really, I was watching his set tonight and twice I left out loud.

He's got, he's really funny, man. You about to say he's gotten funny. No, no, no. So he's been funny for a minute there, Rich. No, he's not. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. He's taken it to another level. Yeah, like, yeah, it's not all, you know, slipping a puddle of eight. There was some real funny personal stuff there that was really funny that I, you know, I all, you know, slip in a puddle of eights. There was some real funny personal stuff there that was really funny. That I, you know, I just, you know make a major act like me laugh out loud. You know what I'm saying? Like, when you watch me in Vegas, how you guys were amazed. We weren't. We didn't even watch you. We stayed in the room.

No, you did. Nobody watched you. A lot of people did. Yeah, the audience, but they were forced to. Put your pinky down. Besides the rest of your fingers. Why is this so hot in here? Well, you do, either it's too cold or too hot

for you in here. You know, you will head on. Why do you have drop cloth? Well, that's how we keep the water from getting on the equipment here at the right gas studios. Oh, there's a leak. There's a pre-war building. So the building is leaking, but they're fixing it. So they got to fix the outside of the building. Yeah, I know. I was in construction. You know, you want to construction? I used to have a contracting business. Did you guys agree on something?

Yeah, we both don't like you. All right. It's a little flow going here. This is the problem, Burr, because you're here. He always comes in hot. I always come in hot, no matter who's here. But he comes in hot out of the gate and just fucking shootin'. And then it takes a minute from to slow down a little bit.

And just be rich. And just be rich. But why can't you just sit here and be rich? Now, because I don't know who I am. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm in a fucking crisis right now. What crisis? Huh? What? What happened? Nothing.

I'm not really a crisis. What's going on? Everything's great right now. No, come on. Oh, really? Two are great. No, it's too much. No, it's too much.

Everything's fine. It could be better. What's wrong? No, I'm really in it. How did you not get me a coffee? No, I'm really in it. How did she not get me a coffee? No, I'm kidding, go ahead. No, go stay there.

Do you think? Do you want some of you on a half of this? No, I don't want half of this. Good, sorry. Thank you, though. What's wrong with you? There's something wrong. Nothing at all for real.

There's something wrong. Right now, things couldn't be any better. Really? For real. Why is that? I'm not fighting with my wife. You. Right? That's an 85% of your life right there. 85% of your happiness. We have the Friends Airhouse, which you said so takes up some of our friend, her friend is staying there. So we don't have to focus on each other. You know what I'm saying? Well, there was that you she sleeps in the bed.

No, she sleeps in my kid's room, has two beds in my kid's room. But you told me that I did it, you sleep in the other bed. No, no, no, I'll start off like last night, I started off upstairs in our bed with my wife. But then if I start snoring, she'll say something, I'll wake up,

I gotta fuck it, let me go downstairs, have a piece of Nicarac gum, excuse me. Have a piece of Nicarac gum? It's just so it gives you a guess, have a piece of Nicarac gum, excuse me. Have a piece of Nicarac gum. It's a soda that gives you, yes. Have a piece of Nicarac gum. And I'll just sleep on the couch downstairs for the next half. The first half I'll start upstairs and then I work my way downstairs.

That's sad. It's not sad at all. It's understandable, it's courteous. I like it. Yes, I, because I snore, why would I wake my wife and then she's gonna re-wake me, you know what I mean? Can I get you, can I give you some advice on snoring? I go to your dentist. I got one of those I

Spend a thousand dollars. I didn't even give you the advice yet Okay, go ahead have all your teeth taken I did that had no one's put in 40,000 did you spend 40 on your teeth? 35, 40,000 on my top teeth. I'm gonna do the bottom just next. Your bottom's on fake? Those are fake. No, no, just these are right here, not on the sides.

Well, those are fake. No, the front four are, the other ones aren't. You're gonna get the other ones taken out? I'm taking them all out and putting them to the implants. The whole mouth will be cracked. Yeah, because you don't know what happens. If there's like some nuclear thing, whatever, then I'll never have dental problems living in the woods. Hey if you burn

up in a car wreck will they be able to identify you by your in my hands. My hands. So go he was a baby man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I remember the time we threw you a dumb hat in the barber queue of patries is I was no you didn't yeah we oh no that was key I'm sorry no I your podcast you paid for my hat to burn it on state we did we we we we got the audience to donate money he said I said how much would it cost to burn that stupid thing and he said a hundred bucks yeah but then he goes we got the hundred bucks he goes a hundred and seven

I go why seven he goes tax We have seven more dollars I went one another one for fifty. I made fifty seven that night Um, I don't I don't like I mean I sleep in the bed with my wife, but I have the the mouth guard They go I have those I have that you you got to in the bed with my wife, but I have the mouth guard. I have those. I have that too. You got the one, the metal one where you lock it in and stuff. No, no, no. Which one do you have?

I got the one, I got one actually from Canada. Yeah. Like, they're right aid. I want the rubber one with the little hole in the middle. Yeah, I got that too. That doesn't work. And you have, here's another thing too. Do you read to your nose?

Yeah, I don't read to my nose. Well, you have to, you have to prop yourself up a little bit, like the elephant man. Well, that's easy my nose. But you have to, you have to prop yourself up a little bit like the elephant, man. Well, that's easy for you. Here's the thing, okay, I lay on my stomach and I don't snore. When I lay on my back, I snore. You sleep on your stomach?

Yeah, I sleep on my stomach, I can. Uh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I I Really threw that the fuck up. I just walked to come down Why you don't see when I see my back off all the sleep on my back and microphone dummy No, I got it and I'll fall see when my legs cross like that. Why I don't is comfortable It's like laying on the you know like you I feel like I'm on the beach or something. Sometimes I will. But when I lay on my back, I snore, but not on my stomach. I don't know why. I don't know. You should go to a doctor and find out what the fuck that is.

Because I got this little mouth guard and it, it fucking, it's like a little purge. You get it at the Apple store? No, no, it's got a little camera on it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it at the Apple store? No, no, it's got a little camera on it. It's got no camera. No, that can watch my larynx, dude. The one thing that does too. And you can watch it too at bobbyslarynx.com. Wow, repostus. We, uh, the one thing the Canadian one does is a little fucked up.

But it has only the front bottom teeth like these. So what happens is it loosens your bottom teeth when you sleep. Oh, you know what you're up for that? So when you wake up, they're a little loose. Well, you can't do that. I know. You can't have your teeth fall out.

What the fuck? I have great teeth. Look at those teeth. Yeah, you have nice teeth. Yeah, I do have great teeth. You know, worked on my teeth? I will. He's dad worked on my teeth. He's a dentist. My dad. Oh, I thought he was a carpenter Wait, he's a dentist wearing Boston. I don't let me see it teeth

You know what you have good for well, I'm doing you've done. I hate your fake smile your fake smile. No. He's like, no, that's not what I got to say. He goes, I have nice teeth. You have perfect teeth. Yeah, he's got great teeth. Is that because you're your dad? No, they just came in like that and then I had a little problem down there and I got the invisible line just to straighten his shop. And but you grew up with like probably no cavities because your father was a dentist. No, the painter's house needed paint, but I was able to, I just took care of myself. I don't know, I brushed my teeth and I did lost. Painter's house needed paint. I knew you weren't gonna get it.

Painter's house needs paint, like the, even the painter's house has to be painted. No, meaning he paint so fucking day, comes home the last thing he was doing. No paint, that's what I meant. Yeah, that's what I meant. Thank you, Zach, for making me keep. I should, I should, this is really fun. Yeah, that's right. Dang. Thank you. That fucking knee key.

It's really one of that. That's a very basic right now. The automotive house, whatever. To where he was at it with the dumb guy. I should have said the midget. Midget needs a hat or something. I don't know what name you mean. Jesus.

Well, you teeth of the, I mean, that's the thing that fucks you're in your old age No, your back Arthritis fuck you arthritis is the worst when you're back or something I got a little arthritis in my lower back and let me tell you back pain Tear your teeth you can get fucking implants or fake teeth you can't but you can't get a fake back Everybody can afford fifty five thousand dollars for teeth loss a lot of people have to just deal with the fucking teeth They got my friend had his teeth when he was in prison got George a guy that made teeth in prison I know what would but they were nice. He had nice teeth. What's the prison? No, they were

Oneies they were what they were something. I don't know what but he the guy in prison made teeth made teeth out of You don't know what they made him out if I didn't know maybe I free. I don't fucking know But he had it pushing the jail at night and they kill an elephant Too dumb to stay out and Sarah get a little free life He's making too much money in prison Do you guys do you guys teeth? Story made sense. Do you guys see the movie, The Remake of Papillon? No.

I saw the original with the federal. There's a remake. Okay, did you see fucking Bohemian Rhapsody? I didn't see it. You didn't see the Queen, you didn't see it? No. The fucking guy in there nailed it, nailed for the American. Yeah, he also played the character

that Dustin Hoffman played in Papillon. He's from I am Robo. I am Robo. Fucking amazing, amazing actor. And so we watched it last night to remake a Papillon. It was fucking amazing. Yeah. Really good.

The guy is so good. This guy steals every fucking scene he plays. Who's he is playing? Steve McQueen at Dustin's part. He plays Dustin's part. The guy who plays Steve McQueen is the guy from Suns and Arkey, the lead that was in Suns and Arkey. The good looking guy with blonde hair.

He was going to do 50 shades. Oh yeah, that guy. But McQueen was so good at that. Wasn't all fucking the trades over here. It's like talking like Variety came to life. It's very castable. Good looking, the blonde hair. He's playing 28 to 43 stunning stunning. He steals every scene

Yeah, that guy. Yeah, he's fucking I Was at a party when we were doing that sex drug show at one of those At Comic Con they do those parties where every star in the world is there and he walked by And stared at me from who this guy here. This guy. He stared at me as he was walking with this team of people because he's just I am robot. It was he's like the big next thing. His group of people and he stood right at me and he's got those fucking eyes. And he stared at me and he looked at me and I just went, hey, and he went, and he, he wasn't really looking at me.

I think he was looking like straight. And I thought he was looking at me and I went, hey, he was like, he just fucking kept moving. I suck with famous people. I know. I was at a golf course in LA. So it's when I was doing dumb last comic. And Don Chietel, who's had, how you say his last name?

I don't know. You know Don Chietel. What's his last name. I don't know. You know Don Ciel. What's his last name? I don't know. Don Ciel. You're right. Okay, Don Ciel. He comes up to me and says, I know the director. How did you not see that bit? He couldn't hear the way he was fucking saying it. I didn't take it anymore. That's fair enough. That's fair enough. I was taking it more. I get it. I get it. No, we're just going. I get it. So he comes up to me and says, I'm friends with the director. He goes, you're really funny on the show, right? And then I said to him, can we take a picture together?

And his eyes dropped. Like, I went from like, peer to fat girl. Like, you know, no longer don't ever ask for a picture. Yeah, I know. I like, I didn't, I don't know. Because no one is doing the famous person. The famous person is quickly wiki-pedium him find out what their hobby is and talk about that Like that fucking guy with the pipe, but an hour ago. God. Who's that?

We just went to go smoke a cigar and this guy was in the corner smoking a pipe I was like, you know, I was thinking I struck up a conversation with them Like how long have I been in the world that I knew not to do that? I was just like I was thinking to smoke smoking a pipe What's a good tobacco to start with and he goes well, you know a lot of mistakes people make when was thinking of smoking a pipe. What's a good tobacco to start with? And he goes, well, you know, a lot of mistakes people make when they first start smoking a pipe, dude. He took us to the fucking... He pontificated for a second though.

He held the pipe like this. I can go in. Oh, you pontificated. I like it. Blow in a baby. Dude, Bobby was like texting me shut up. And I was like, I hate pipe smokers. And he's just like, it's just wouldn't stop talking.

So we literally sat down, he was talking to the back of our heads, called like fucking 10 minutes. And then he stopped, and we were finally trying to get caught up, and he's like, you know what? Another good tobacco went, and he's like, oh my god, he's still talking to us. Please tell me he's fucking ordering. He didn't talk to him about his ass gotter,

being Bruce Wayne's bummer. I was so bad dude. pipe smokers. I like to see arrogant and fucking. There's a lot of work to go. When I when I when I was a kid my both my grandparents smoked a pipe and they sat on the porch and they didn't was a very just chilling and they call back to the slaves. I really wanted to laugh at that joke. I didn't get it. I think one's coming up. One's one. He's coming up.

He said he was. Oh my God. This is going to be fucking shit. My grandfather's house. My grandfather's house. My grandfather's house. He's going to go down to this. And my father quits the guards. He said he had a kid.

He had something. But he's kept him in his mouth for 20 years. And I told him on the phone the other day, I go, you're 90 years old, fucking smoke him. What's it going to do? Take an hour off your fucking life? He goes, he has been as too expensive to smoke him. And he just holds him in his mouth without letting him for like 20 years now, which is, I couldn't do it. We've said a lot of guys keep this, they call it a dry smoke. Well, they just chew on it. Yeah, that's true.

That's true on the end of it. Because they can't smoke anymore. They were told not to smoke. Okay, so when you done with the end, can you cut it and keep doing it? Yeah, my grandfather would smoke the same cigar for two weeks. Just chew on the nub. You know?

Oh, it's disgusting. Yeah, they just can't give it up. He smoked pipes too, he went to pipes. But pipes, you gotta clean the pipe out, you gotta fucking put all the shit in it, you gotta keep digging it out with a pipe cleaner. It's a fucking pain in the ass. Smokein' a pipe looks awesome,

but the fucking upkeep to just get that, or the ritual. Yeah, when I used to smoke free-base. The end of the ass. I used to smoke free-base. They're in the ass. I used to smoke crack and clean it up high-bout, right? What? Crack, when you smoke crack, you have like a pipe. You clean the pipe out?

Because that's the oil. That's the strongest. You would clean it, and then you'd get like two major hits from the oil that was stronger than the free-base, because it was the oil from the free base. And it was just fucking, whoa. You know, fucking lucky you are, dude. Huh?

You know, fucking lucky you are. Oh, I should be dead, a million. My friend, we were getting high one night, but just straight to the one of my best friends. He took a hit off the pipe. The biggest thing, let it out, opened the car door and fell on the ground and up in Harlem, and I told he was dead. And the first thing, this is a good friend. The first thing I came to my mind was,

I'm gonna steal his crack and get the fuck out of here. That's how, you know what I mean? And he's one of my best friends and I go, ah, he's dead, he's dead. Then he pops up, I go, ah, fuck, you know, I didn't go, oh, fuck, but I thought he died. Where is he now? I think he lives in Nantucket or something I don't really talk to a company's got a yacht now. He really turned it around

Nantucket. Crackhead and Nantucket, man, he fucking He guy followed the twelve steps pretty well 13 step right in tuck it yeah right to the fucking lumen outie Why I'm I'm as lucky as you are I'm no good for ten years. I mean look I I did a lot of drinking was my big thing You know I used to drink a lot when I was young and I saw I did drugs, but I never got hooked on I Did coke I did whatever the fuck they put in front of me, but I never got hooked on like cracker or heroin.

The free base, not crack or anything. Yeah, but that's that high. Get you a fucking, it's a whole nother level. Yeah, that's a whole nother level. I did a lot of pot, I did a lot of pills, I did a lot of perks, and I drank every single day as much as I could. Well, we did all that stuff until it led up to it.

You probably stopped younger than me. Yeah. I stopped at 15. I stopped at 28. You stopped at 15. 15. How long did you even drink for three years? No, I started when I was 10. All right.

So you drank for five years. I drank for five years. Yeah. You stopped at your last drinking drug was 15. 15, almost 16. Wow. See, 20. So if I started at 15 pot and all that and quailudes and then you work your way up

and then boom, then you find, you know, the real deal. So when you went to the real deal, you couldn't tell me the first time you're bringing that pipe up to your lips, you're not thinking like, oh man, I'm fucking up now. No, because I was already doing coke, so I just thought, it's just, hey, let's try. But what were you doing for a job

when you started doing crack? Why started? I was doing comedy for like two years. I mean, it was horrible. Not as horrible as now. Oh, no. What were you gonna say? I was doing, you know, I used to, when I first first started comedy I used to book a couple one nighters and I would hire you know I'd host them and you know I'd make money for booking it

Yeah, and then other comics, you know like in Connecticut or Long Island that booked rooms too Yeah, we would trade you know they could come host my room and I'd go host a room. So I always made money when I first started comedy. I made money right from the beginning. Then I would go on the road and host, just on the road as a host, just to make, you know, get on stage to make money. So I always made money in the beginning,

but I was, you know, smoking. So I guess I was maybe two or three years in i said you know i'm hang with comics i get high and where this part you know what i mean i find a crew that smokes free base and stuff and eventually i you know i start hanging out with this one guy who's a heroin addict and i was the crack addict and i just eventually said fuck this and i went to rehab you know i already one time tried. I smoked an eighth of coke by myself. What was your bottom?

I couldn't live that way anymore. It was just all building up. And I knew I was gonna die. But I went to rehab, I smoked like an eighth of coke. And I went to Fairroaks, like the most expensive rehab in Fairroaks and Summit. And I go and I'm sitting in a waiting room. Did it have like a golf course there

with a giant fence you couldn't get over? No, but some, it's not a federal prison. I thought you couldn't leave rehab. Huh? I thought you couldn't wait. No, I didn't get in. I went there trying to get in. I sat on a hedge clippers.

I waited in a waiting room. It was a hospital. I'm about to make a smoke crack if you don't get to the fucking end of this shit. Jesus Christ in the waiting room. It was a house. I'm about to smoke crack if you don't get to the fuck and end of this shit. Jesus Christ, I don't know what time it was. It was fucking snoring and it's goddamn, we got it, he's a fuck up. So by the time they came to see me, the doctors,

I was already just white. He's still in this business. That's why he came down to me, just keeps plowing ahead. I got his audiences clearly. This guy's fucking looking at his phone. You lost everybody in this room like 20 minutes ago. Oh, shit.

That's OK. You could be me. All I was thinking was I wish she died. Because then he wouldn't be here. And I went up to listen to us. This fucking story. That's not the fucking stories. There's a new one.

Oh, there's a new one. You can't have a new. I have a million. It's a reboot. They're rebooting everything. The boss is going to tell him his fucking name ever knew. I have a million choice. It's a reborder. They're rebooting everything. Boss is going to tell him his fucking name. He used to be a crackhead.

No, he brought it up. He brought it up. I didn't bring it up. Who would play you in the movie? In me, Adam Sandler. What? No. Who would play me in a movie?

A guy from fucking, it was like, you fucked up homes. You joined the gang. You sure? That red-headed dude from children of the corn. Was that you fucked up homes you joined the gang sure That read it dude from children of the corn Kelly from the bad news bears what's that guy's name? All right, we have another guest that's coming on So will you introduce him Mike? He was brought up the other

week. His name is Alan Fuchs. Alan, sit down. Do you know everybody Alan? Sort of. All right, he's a comedian. All right. Okay, of course he knows. So, I was surprising, we're all comedians. He's a comedian. We're going to learn what that is like. Tell us, Alan, what is your process? Well, Bill, built on glad you asked uh... the amount of share my insight with you right on that. Yeah. How fucking hard. Yeah. I hope he's doing well now. I know. I heard he's already. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I meant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the reason why you're on you a couple of weeks ago, because you know, when I was away with them with all that that father shit I had people guest house and

House or host guest house. Yeah, I said guest house guest house. I thought they said I'm a man. I'm a praying for the next segment Bring for this next segment get off the fucking ground. Please podcast listen anymore of his ailments Why I made him a fucking steak who gives a shit nobody 1988 I had an ere infection Money avenue TV America Oh, I love you He went for major comic toe when a listener go ahead So a couple weeks ago is that your tag for when shit bombs?

But I'm bummed. Go ahead. So I guess Tim Dylan and Ricky Vales, the cute, the cute, Ricky Vales, I guess it would trash you. Yeah. Where? Total hit piece on this show. On this show when I wasn't here, they were trashing him.

And natured, trashing? No brutal like really nasty and I had no clue giant orny atoms like it's like a warning head got bigger if orny was part of the public compliment look like a vampire magician I'm not happy about this face I love how fast you are. How great. You're so good. Fucking hairy arms.

Holy Christ. All right, sorry. Yeah, go ahead. So you got trash, but now you say. Pretty hard. Yeah, but you say, I mean, look, I get trashed. Everybody, we've been trashed in rich for 20 minutes now. I mean, what about it?

I know, you insult them a little bit. But with rich, it's accurate. That's the difference. Really, you open for me. I know. That means neither different. Really, you open for me. I know. That means neither of us are doing that great. No, I know, listen. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I did great. No, no, that trash. You're here to defend yourself. I love it. Tim Dylan and Ricky Vales say, what did they say about you? That really, I mean,

I don't understand it. I'll tell you. Yeah. So basically, you wanted, you want to, let me just spend this up for the people. Listen, you wanted to come on and defend yourself. I did. Defend your honor because you felt like they trashed you and you have no way to come on here and Explain that they're fucking wrong, right? Yeah, okay. What is a lot of host plays some of the trashing? We're gonna. Oh, okay I didn't know I'm sorry my mistake. Yeah, so basically Here's the thing right after crack let the man tell you store ahead Burry just comes in hot it's cuz you're here. He's excited

Industry in the room His asses set for 1998 I had a lot of heat that fucking year. So it didn't Louis. It worked out great for everybody. Alright, so what happened? So basically they go on the show and here's the thing. Like when Ricky first got to know, he didn't get, you know me. That's the thing that was crazy. He's talking about me.

What are they saying? He was saying because I used to run, I used to run with bringer shows, right? So and when ever you run a bringer show, I didn't know this when I started out. None of us used to run with bringer shows, right? So, and when ever you run a bringer show, I didn't know this when I started out. None of us huge stigma. Yeah, huge stigma. People look, there are a lot of comedy snops, they look down on you, they just assume

you're like exploiting comedians. Can I stop you one second? Yeah, let go of the mic. It's like, the sagging. Can you help them with the mic? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, good. All right, so basically, so when you run a bringer show, I guess, I didn't know this, huge stigma, a lot of comics will look down on you, because they just assume you're exploiting other comics

and you're just trying to, it's like a money making scheme. The thing is, with me, I didn't ever look at comedy as a money making scheme. Like Ricky called me like a con man. He said I changed my name back from, because here's what happened, my real last name is Fuchs and it's much more

FUKS right yeah, so and I was tortured as kid I grew up in the South Bronx There's the only white kid in my whole neighborhood tortured bullied it was a nightmare And then my family went went to my turn 16. They changed it to Finn They just threw a bunch of Irish names in a hat and they picked out Finn Because I did Ricky found out your name was really fuchs how did that happen? Ricky just I think it was just like seeing they maybe like someone whispered in his ear when he was stoned I don't know what mother what? Who was

I don't know who was Who was the guy went deep he went deep trying to figure him out? All right You know what happens? Yeah, so basically so he goes on and so I changed, my family changed my name from Fuchs to Finn because I was being tortured and also they experienced all this anti-Semitism in the Soviet Union and they're like, you don't want anyone to know that you're Jewish.

So pretend to be Irish. You know, only you know, change your name to Finn. We moved to Jersey and they're like, just just pretend to be Finn. What part of Jersey? Faralon, the Jersey, bring him to the county. So I'm in therapy, right? I'm in therapy and the therapist says something to me.

That really, why is that matter? I could say I live in Jersey, I can't see what part. So you should host a, your own podcast called Off the Rail, yeah. Hey, stories get interesting. Rich boss. Yeah. What was the zip code?

So anyway, so I'm in therapy. And, can I still open for you? So I'm in therapy and the therapist says to me, and I'm out in Finn now, he's like, and I told him what happened, and he's like, you're a feel like you've let the bullies win. And that gets stuck in my fucking skull, and I'm just thinking, I'm like, you know what?

Screw everybody, I'm gonna go back to fuchs. Right, I'm gonna go in fuchs. I'm not gonna hide him. Or I'm gonna feel good. I like it. Exactly. You know? So Ricky goes on and says, I changed my name because I'm a con man. And like, you know, like I'm running for, I don't know what he's like, I have an uncle. He's a con man.

And this is what the con man do. Like, how am I, I changed my fucking last name to back to fuchs? It's my real last name. And I haven't moved. I haven. Like, how am I, I changed my fucking last name to back to Fuchs, it's my real last name, and I haven't moved, I haven't like, I'm not in hiding, I'm not, you know, I'm still doing stand-up shows, like, how am I a con man? You know what I say? Well, the president's a con man, so be proud of it.

What the fuck? I'm not a fucking con man. You're not. So all that shit that he said about me, it's like a dude who barely knows me. I would say like hello and divide it in. Okay, but you're making more assumptions. But the other guy talking shit about you was your roommate

tim didn't really talk shit about me can you please validate the fact that that's a good point that he just made so half of the arguments out the fucking window holding the microphone no no no what he said about his name uh... i'm right here i'm not hiding i'm doing shows all over the city i'm i'm going on is alan fukes were who my hiding from what am I hiding from I've nothing to hide from I'm not He said you're hiding from here. I got what he said

Yeah, let's just let's just let's just this new go ahead. Oh, we hold on hold on put it exactly one out three That's where I said it just leave your headphones on why don't I want to ruin the That's where I said it just leave your headphones on why don't you want to ruin the half I As soon as like January 2nd, I'm like, uh-huh. Let me get out of here. Yeah, let me go. I'm an 18 foot tree Really? Fucking tree. Do you like the deck? Why am I listening to this part? To me after

Thanks given no, we just do it ourselves. Wow. That's awesome dude. What do you do? You have a little Trig in a story I'm gonna live in a murder so I like to put it on my you know on my one my night Normal it's as normal as grown men having to live with each other You know what I mean? It's just like you and him living together makes me laugh so hard No, you know, like a long time. I didn't know until I moved in with him I never met him really never met him. I had no idea we were kind of just new his games. I didn't know He said the pyramid scheme dude. He's an enterprising guy like I Like I kind of respect

And it's like at a certain point I tell him to go harder like I kind of respect there. And it's like, at a certain point, I tell him to go harder. Like I'm like, fucking go hard. Oh yeah, no, there's no back stepping now. You've already made your bed. Did you know him for a long time though? I just knew him around because he was always running his scams.

Hi, Pazis. What, he's running a room as a scam? Well, that's the thing. So Ricky. Let me just tell you something really quick So Ricky good looking guy, right? I don't trash Ricky because I don't want that I'm not Trashing Ricky. No, I'm not trashing Ricky. Why didn't you have them both come on and Ricky's supposed to come in as you oh, should I cancel him? I invite him back up We get him up. He's downstairs. I'm not trashing Ricky because Ricky and I went back and forth and we pretty much resolved it Right, but Ricky and I forget it might forget forget it this one

Yeah, I'm not I'm not trashing Ricky. I'm not trashing Ricky Because we I'm pretty much resolved it. You know what I mean? I'm a start crying Why is your hat on but cuz I'm getting ready to get the fuck out of you I'm still good somebody Sorry, go ahead. I don't know I'm still good somebody Sorry Per second old man I am an old man and you got 10 years on me see you guys you guys are lucky Bill rosby

Oh Sick logger I am an old man. I mean, what other office? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Because he's had to clear his throat for half an hour, and he won't do it. I don't know.

It's like he's like fucking underwater. It's a lesson. No, please, come on. Stay. No, no, I got to get out of here. Oh, you can't leave. I can't. This is a big podcast. No, no, I gotta get out of here. Oh, you can't leave. I can't. This is a big podcast.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, you're lucky, Bill, because you didn't have to deal with any of this bullshit. Like when you started, right? Yes, we did, we all did. We all did with it right now. Well, yeah, he's done with it. But like, we had to wait till somebody tapped us

on the head with it. You can make it now, shit. We didn't have you two pages. And people being headliners in their bedroom And then they got to learn how to fucking perform this all was a whole bunch of different when you're starting out I fucking defended you the whole time and now you're coming at me like I I'm from some sort of show business trust fund. No I'm offended. I've actually buttoned one button on my coat

Depending on your next comment on the buttony that comes on Did they have wringer shows when you're starting out? Yes, they did Had open Mike we didn't have bringershoes. Well, what do you consider starting out? Bringershoes went all right. I know what a bringershoes. Yeah, but we didn't have that We just went and I'm not often you didn't but they always had bringers shows down here No, they didn't start here in 90s. They did no I remember telling people not to do it. They had barkers. Hey, you know what you're right. They had barkers. They're right. You're right guys are absolutely right I want to come down have a good fucking time and I'm just listening to the Flemmin is fucking voice

Telling those crackhead stories stories again and again and again. And again and again. But there were different stories. I'll tell you when you first started smoking crack. Let me tell you something. There's still a stunt in your growth. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something.

Oh man. What was your street name? What was your street name? Snake. Oh, no. No, he brought it up. I didn't put that down. I'm going to go get the crack pipe.

You said I should be dead. I brought it up. I said you should be dead. Yeah, I did. You look pretty good for someone who got overcracked. I don't care about the crack. I'm plus when you talk about a building, you don't realize it. I might be saving a life out there.

I'm so shut up, you fucking addicts, you're so fucking self-involved. Yes, we are. When I'm doing it, so amazing. Yes, I'm carrying a message. I'm very worried. You probably cause more people to smoke crack with that fucking awful story. It's fucking hot in here. It's hot because you're getting a smashing from birth.

It's been a bit of funny. ¡Es f***in' hangier! ¡Es que te hagas de la esposa de Burk! ¡Es que es muy funny! Ok, así, finé finish your story, partner. Listen, I don't do that. So, yeah, so basically, so he's like shitting on me for, and I basically, I would be out there, if I had shows, right? Yeah, hustle. I'd be hustling for stage time. I mean, it was just to become a better comic.

I wasn't exploiting anyone ever lied to somebody. Like, yeah, you do this show. That's how I see it. Yeah. And there you go. And yeah, I'm not talking about it. I'm not, I still talk to my mother. I'm not a decent shit.

I just get people in the business. There's a lot of different approaches. But I try to fucking make it some people run, if people don't run rooms, then guys like me would never have a place to go. Because I never did that. There was the guys that ran rooms, and then there's the guys who didn't run rooms.

So God bless the guys with ran rooms. Well, I remember the back, when I first moved here, I had to wait two weeks at the boss at all night long from 8 till 233 in the morning to get on stage and they never did. And then one night, Masavi, remember Masavi? Yeah, actually. Someone didn't show up up and he was like,

you wanna go up and I was like, fuck ya. And I went up and he was like, all right, cool. And then he gave me another spot and then more spots after that. I just kept doing good. They didn't have bring, I mean, the fact that if they bring our shows,

that started in the late 90s, so can you at least give me that? It started in the late 90s after we already got into clubs. But if I imagine that, I mean, imagine that, imagine that every man What I mean? Imagine every five years the first five years they started Imagine that would bring five people to a show

No, I can't You guys never ran a room? No, when I started in Jersey, I used to book rooms And hire major comics from New York only to host We told the story Did I tell her already? You already told the story I told her to come on me

I told her to come on me I told her earlier I did a podcast early I did a podcast I already told this fucking story I love the bear whispered to me I never heard this How did that cut? How did I tell it before?

I don't know Why did I tell it to me? You were fucking in your fucking Oh, doing the crack Oh yeah Then you fucking ran the room and they fucking I don't like to make money I made money where I like to get you

You don't remember Yes, I do 20 minutes ago So on the other podcast I did though. Where I like it. You don't remember? Yes, I do. 20 minutes ago. So on the other podcast I did though. I can't solve day long. I keep so much better on the phone. We get along. We get along great on the phone.

No, I, we have a phone relationship. I still like you now. I don't listen. I don't dislike you. Listen, you're one of my, maybe I'm did that top button. You can clear your fucking front.

You took off one layer clothing. I'd be more comfortable. Okay, go ahead. Oh, but let me just let me just say something like I can almost hear his I can fucking yeah I can almost hear his friend falling out of the car. Silence.

Well, that's what I was fucking joke. I did tell that. Did you say you guys already worked it out? I'm gonna be one of the silence. Well, that's what I was fucking joke. I did tell that. Did you say you guys already worked it out? So to come up here, you're gonna start it off again. I know, but it's just. I mean, why did you just stain and everything? Why are you from Brendan? Like, you know, what's your name again?

Alan Fuchs. Alan, listen. Why the fuck? I like Finn. Why the fuck? Alan, why the fuck did you feel like it had to come on? I mean who gives a shit because he's called me a Con man Bobby you don't remember back in the day come back to the apartment flipping out because somebody got a deal or something

Pillows all the apartment fucking kill it every fucking night Why can't he do it And they're acting with the wise men on the fucking hill over here Dude I'm not Boston dude Fucking Joe whoa guys I fucking change How come I can't get into the Toronto comedy festival? We all used to do that. We all had comics that bugged the shit out of us. But that's the thing now.

People are so non-confrontational now. So they'll shit on you on a podcast. They'll tell you face to face. Both those guys were super smiley with me and friendly, Brendan Sagalo coming on acting like he's the superiority complex that is so unearned is insane. Now you're back into the fight. It was just him saying, what's it like living with Alan Fox? Go fuck yourself.

No, but hey, no, I mean, the same. He was making fun of the living situation of two dudes, mainly Tim Dillon. So it wasn't so much. You're taking it the wrong way because of the situation. I don't think I am. He was talking to me like, I'm still kind of monster, some kind of creature. What's like living with that piece of shit? You guys are wrong.

That weird, you know. I agree with him. Look at the little finger. I agree with him. He's got a wagon that little thing hey, he looked like he was shot class He might he might out fucking cleared it up with him Why would you put rings on and draw attention to your little fucking finger? He might be the fucking necklace. He might be the big rings dude. He might have cleared it up. Oh those are my diamonds

He might yes, I'm a fucking hell on it. So listen to me Clear it up. That's my diamond. Yes, I'm a fucking hell on it. So listen to me. Why can't he come on and give his side of the story to the listeners? The listeners don't know that he cleared it up. I'm okay, fine, that's why he's on.

I'm just saying what they said is kind of, I understand it, I get it, but I think you're right. Because people are writing comments, like who's the dodgy roommate? Who's, you know, like who's the, what? I would brand that, I'm the dodgy roommate who's you know like who's the I would brand that I'm the dodgy roommate. Yeah, which is blowing off in three weeks still three days It'll be fucking mad at something else. Yeah, you can't take you on doing what you're doing go buy your real name and fucking keep us long

You'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, hustling kid. I am all I do is just be a better and better standard comic Yeah, I'll get keep going up. That's it. That's all I want to do. I don't want to like fucking, you know, be a part of any of this. Like, you don't want to crush your dreams. Yeah, I know. This is it. It's not going up. I'll help from him. You should change your name again. Yeah. Well, listen, dude, I've known you for a little bit here and there. I've always thought you were a nice guy. That's why I wanted to have you on. Thank you, Bob. To, to, I guess clear your name,

but I don't think you did anything wrong. You're in the game, you're hustling. It's a new game. Maybe Ricky and Tim never went through that shit. Did they have a do bringers? They, Ricky from what I heard, like his, where he got representation, he was on a bringer show. But those guys, like they, I didn't,

it's like a lot of comedy. I've noticed like where you land, you know what I mean? So when I started out, I took a comedy class and it was like, you know, I, my first show I had to bring people. So I didn't know anything about it about like, this is how you should do comedy. This is like the way you, you go about it where you earn every comics respect. I had no clue. I was like, let me run my own show and this way I have more control. I give myself more stage time in front of real audience, you know, instead of like open mics where comics just like looking at cell phones

and they don't give a shit. They're just tuning you out. Smart move. Yeah. Thank you. There you go. It's not illegal. I think I hate to run a room and give you

self some stage time, but you ran it. I need some run rooms. I'm gonna go out and stay. I'm gonna go out and stay. When are you down this? You're taking the camera. We got around 21 minutes with Don. We'll meet you down there What are you talking about you just said you haven't what you saying why is he leaving you're gonna leave? No, I would never leave

I think shut up. No, I thought the other kids gonna come in and then they're gonna start yelling each other No, I don't I don't want to be here. No, not doing that. I can't so bad. I don't You don't I don't see you done. don't do it. I can't do it. I don't play that. I don't see it. I just want it. I just want it. It's not something I want. No, I don't play me. It took all I had in me.

I want to see not to. I don't want to see it either. I don't want to see it either. I don't want to see it. That's canceled. I can't. I lack the words in English language. I say how much his hat is clashing with the shirt.

And I know you think it's perfect. It doesn't. Unless you want, Matt, are you crazy? Do you know how cloning is too much going on. clashing with the shirt and I know you think it doesn't unless you want man are you crazy to pattern is too much going on and assault and pepper in your fucking beard it's just it's too much good you're just gonna come in I know it is because I'm ageing like every well I was saying that just doesn't just this too much going on you're wearing purple blue green which is the the TV shop? What did you do? What fucking crack head? He did a TV show.

I'm looking at what TV would you do Seth Myers? Oh cool. Oh, the jealousy in that. Oh, I'm not doing it. Oh cool. What do we get you? Get in touch with the booker. Who books that?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. You were that man. What am I gonna do? I'm at fucking McGuire's Because you get a publicist to blow on all your money on little rings Little rings you know return coat Little rings you know we're a turn coat. I am my turn coat. I have Just fuck you I'm gonna turn. We've also had a hair hanging out of your fucking nose in a

turn coat. What do we want to do? You're gonna say I've been a turn coat forever. I'm a world turn coat. That's what you do. That's what our friendship is. I know you're right. We have to be this way right now. Right now it's on you. We're on me five minutes and sons of O and A and we thought this is you don't have to meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago.

We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago.

We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five months ago. We're on meet five I was really truly happy right now we're gonna start okay. Yeah, okay great

Not as happy as I'd be to see him pulling down the stairs I love rich so much I almost wish I fell down the stairs just to hear how hard you would laugh That's how much I love rich there. We know go. Were you there when at my secret birthday party, remember that? Well, you guys were not for us, but you were in LA. So Dawn puts together this party for me in my 40th. She puts together this massive party. It's gonna be at the village underground.

She's got burlesque dancers. She's got blackjack tables and poker tables. She's gonna do a mini roast with everybody. Great idea, right? Gerardo dies the weekend of Got to cancel it. Can't do it. You can't do it an event like that. Yeah, we tried to show them to hold it off, but Sorry And so Dawn is really fucking bummed out about it. I find this out at the, but she calls up everybody and she goes, look, I'm still gonna do a party, a little tiny party at a restaurant

in the East Village. We'd like you all to come. Just a little small party, nothing too disrespected. Nice restaurant. Right. So number one, it's a surprise party. Patrice calls me up. He's like, yo, Bobby, what's up?

I'm like, what's up? He's like, you alone? I'm like, yeah, what's up? He goes, I gotta tell you something. I'm like, what's up? He's like, you alone? I'm like, yeah, what's up? He goes, I gotta tell you something. I'm like, what? He goes, yo, man. I don't like surprises. So, I don't, I just don't know if you like me there, but I'm just gonna tell you, man, your girls plan a surprise birthday party for you. And I just wanted you to know, because you know, I don't like, I was like, what? Got it in a second. I go, he goes, yeah, I just know how to surprise up. Shit, bullshit to me.

I go, I love surprises. I go, that's one of my favorite things in the world. I've always wanted one. My whole fucking life, 40 years on the fucking planet. I've wanted a surprise birthday party. Why would a fuck would you do that to me? He's like, oh shit. I just didn't think you'd like him too.

Like, I was like, no, you fuck. I love, I would love to fucking. He's like, Bobby, I'm sorry, you gotta act. You gotta act like you can't. I'm like, what? He's like, yo man, you got to act like you're a good actor, Bobby. You got to listen, man, you got to walk in. You can't do that. You got to just, when you walk in, like, you don't pretend I didn't even call you.

So, so, so I know this fucking, so the whole fucking people going out So don't I'm gonna take you to you know, we're gonna go to dinner fever. Okay cool. I'm going down I know where it is. He told me I go down. I'm walking on the stairs Surprise and I look at Patrice and he's like I'm like, oh my God! You did it? I had to. I told Don later, but I was fucked.

You sure they were surprised. You just looked at the priest and go, fuck you! Surprise! Don worked way too hard. I know, you had to do a few more. She worked way too hard on this. I had to fucking put it. I told her later, like a year later.

I was like, but so we're all at this fucking party. What did she say? She was fucking bullshit. She was fucking mad. I would be, I would have waited like, I would have waited 10 years. It was fucking bad. It's like, why would you ever do that? Then we're all downstairs, remember?

There's a fucking stairway. This old East Village pre-war building, a fucking stairway this old East Village pre-war building little wooden stairway that goes down to this beautiful restaurant part in the basement of private room With just the black curtain in front of it, right? So You hear somebody fall down here There's a curtain Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Oh, that's the one where you slide with your feet. Hold it up like that. He went fucking dude. It sounded like a drumbeat. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, to elephants. I turn around and there was this guy like faster than terminal of velocity rolling down like a fucking log.

Those are big stale. Like the longest shit just going down. I was like what the fuck. That was like a fucking earthquake and he hits that landing before you make the right and he pops up and it's Jimmy Martinez. And he just looks at me and he goes, fuck you man. You didn't see that. You didn't see that, dude.

I was fucking crying. You know, big Jimmy came always like, fuck you man, you didn't see that. And he was laughing too, too. One of the loudest noises I've ever fucking heard. He had size 19 timbledons flying down. People flying downstairs, it's such a tremendous fucking noise. But when Matt did it and Bonnie goes, that made me the happiest person in my life Did he tried to play it off didn't he he got up smooth and just took a sip of his

Those were wooden stairs. I just want to kind of stare as you fall down. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh my god. Gosh. Oh, yes. That's fake. That's fake. That's how I was. Oh, yeah. Well, let's get some more.

I want to see. Let's let people listen to us watching people fall down this face. I don't know this anything better than this. Oh, man. Okay. Oh, no. Oh, not an old lady. She got her arm in the way. Right arm comes up in the last second. All right. I did it in Minneapolis. That when I was playing Acme a month ago. I was in the, you, all right? I did it in Minneapolis, that when I was playing at Acme a month ago. I was in the, you know, those Skywalks that connect all the buildings? Can you build it? I can't, the Skywalk.

I'm in the Skywalk and it goes through the malls and the office buildings. And you know when the malls, they have the ramp and then they have the stairs. The what? The ramp. And then the stairs, right? And I never, I always want to take the ramp and then they have the stairs the what the ramp and then the stairs right and I never I always want to take the ramp But I never do because I feel bad. I should be taking the stairs because I you know whatever

So I take the stairs and the last two stairs. I just my my brain was like run. I just I just I just started running you wanted it to be over I told him. And I fucking, I missed the last two stairs. And I went fucking horizontal in the hair. Oh no. And I kind of, I twisted and fucking pushed. And for some reason, my push, so I just went up and horizontal and then I landed on my side,

on my armpit and just squeaked for like fucking four seconds. Nobody fucking helped me. I told him I was at the airport and you know the push carts, I had all my luggage on it. So I go fuck it, I'll take it on the escalator, you know you pull the wheel down up and at the bottom it didn't keep going so that things stop and fell all my I'm laying at the bottom all my luggage fell on me and the cart my golf clubs and everything and people

just going down looking at me as the cart and all my luggage is laying on me and it really fucking hurt. Nobody helped. No, they kept walking. People don't fucking help. They don't help you. I would have helped. No, they kept walking, they're not happy. People don't fucking help. They don't help you. I would have helped. No, I fucking nobody helped me.

One guy just walked by me and went, you're right, pal. And he just kept talking to me, okay. Well, a fucking cart and all my luggage fell on me. It's good as I can be at this point. I was a little embarrassed. I ended up in a wheelchair because I fell down some stairs. I was working in sales and I came out.

Wait, are we done with him? Yeah. All right, fuck your rich man. Fuck your rich man. I mean, I know it's relevant. I fell down some stairs. I fell down some stairs. I really think sales, it wasn't con, man.

All right, take a ball back, everyone's right. Yeah, I ended up in a fucking wheelchair. I shared my alphibus one disc and I had to have spinal surgery. It was a fucking nightmare, yeah. And I remember when I went for my consultation, my girlfriend and the surgeon were flirting with each other. And then when he left the room, she's like, isn't he hot?

And she wanted a threesome with the surgeon. How many people do you have to reach at a hospital with you to get in? It's a five damage comment fix. If you won in their 20s, we all dated that chick. Oh yeah, a bit off. That's my fantasy now. And she's okay with my weight.

That's threesome. Yeah, but I'm one another guy. Guy girl, who cares? And she took care of it. You were a fantasy with another guy with your wife? I'm joking, God. Maybe a norton type of guy. I guess he said no. But yeah, so she said that she can we have a three something?

She would do this weird thing because I was pushing for a three something for a long time. And she fell on the wrong side of the fence. You meant an woman, right? It's a point. I want another woman, yeah, exactly. So anyway, so like I was always asked for a three. And like we talk about it, like you're like, you know,

like who would be your ideal person? I'd tell her like a celebrity and she's, I'm like, who would be yours? And she worked in a hospital. She's like, well, it was just Dr. I worked with. And she like meant that she really wanted to have a three. So like she would go around telling people, she'd be like, I'm not attracted to black guys normally.

Who would you say, when I'm like an Angela Bassett? No. I'm not like a Meg, like she would go around telling people she'd be like I'm not attracted black guys normal would you say when I'm gonna Angela Bassett? No, I'm not like Megan Fox, whatever. Megan Fox, you know what I'm gonna say. She gets fucked up thumbs like Voss, did you know that? I like that. She's got fucked up thumbs, you ever see Megan Fox's thumbs? What is the shit about her thumbs? How the fuck do you know about somebody's thumbs?

I have a freaky thing about people, I know like stars, I know their defects like Denzel has a fucked up pinky look at a thumb show a thumbs Look at show that little thumb. Oh she's got a little midget. Oh fucking hot. She is What's wrong with the thumb? She's got the called a little little fucking toe thumbs look at it It does look at your toe show another picture of it get a good picture of it. No, I can see it. Oh Look at that thumb. I mean she's an 11 face. Yeah, I know the face does I mean, but that Oh, look at that thumb. I mean, she's an 11. That face. Yeah, I know. The face does, I mean, but that thumb, if you saw that thumb,

Whoa, wait, she said you could have sex in me, but you put that thumb in my asshole. You got the fuck in my mouth. I put both the thumbs in my asshole. That looks like it's better in an asshole. Ah, that fucking thumb. Looks like you had some shit on it. Denzel's pinkies fucked up too.

You ever see Denzel's pinky I never looked at that Denzel's pinky is fucking twisted in all the movies when he does this thing It's like it takes a plane sports and he got it fucked up or something Pink he there you go. Oh there it is right there. Yeah, there you go. Look at that fucking thing Wow, look at that's his pinky. You never noticed it. That's playing sports. I don't know what it is, man. Show the other one.

Yeah, show another one. You gotta fix. I mean, you should get that fixed. How do you get it fixed? That's like all kinds of plastic. You can't get him in the shit. You gotta break it. You gotta break it.

You gotta re-break it. You gotta re-break it. Put it in a thing and let it heal. But maybe it grew that way and he can't fix it. But that's recent, that's it. No, they did fix it though. Look, look at the picture next to him. He wanted to fix it.

Who's that Chico just hosted SNL? I don't know. She just hosted it. Billy knows, Billy just, she, uh, yeah, that's that's so much arm hair. Like her, it's like almost, not like mine quite, but like, you did SNL? No, I don't know.

Why would I know who? No, we were just talking about it. Didn't you just watch it? You were just talking about that. No, I said I did Seth and I got to walk across where they tape SNL I'd never been there before and I was stunned at how small like the place was for such you know it's so huge in your head and you get there like just a little fucking place blue sheet and all these guys worth is amazing yeah you think it's like like a 300 seat room I don't

think it holds 80 people it's like three rows of chairs all over with bleachers. Yeah, but you did the Apollo two. Look how small that room is comparing. You see it on TV. You think it's just gigantic theater and it's so small. Yeah, I saw you. You did the Apollo. Yeah. Like the Apollo show back in the day. Apollo Apollo. Yeah. You get booed. Yeah. Didn't who got booed? Keith everybody. And did you get booed? No, you didn't get booed No, I'm just saying if you treat bomb to right. Yeah, he bomb bomb. Yeah, what was the show you guys did? We turned with Patrice turned his back to the camera. Oh God that was great. Yeah, I said he went miles Davis. He turned his back to the ground What was that fucking show called that was the show was on after Jay Leonard's tonight. Friday something?

Yeah. Oh, Friday night video. I know. They used to throw a drop clock over Leno's desk and then just brought up Friday night videos. And they would try to convince people that it already gone to the tonight show. Yeah, to tonight show taping to stick around. It was sort of the West Coast.

Remember that Carson Daily show where they would just pull people in and fall on the truck? Everybody did. Wait, they just had to show in and falling chairs. Oh, everybody did. Wait, there's that show that guy bar used to book, I think. Lay fried, whatever, and it was like a real hip. It was horrible. I don't know what it was. It was Friday night videos.

But it was just a bad crowd. We all bought it. We all bought it. Yeah, but he actually just turned his back to the audience. That's it right there. But I don't know. That might have been just a classic standup show. I don't know if that was it.

I would IMDB it and see when it was on. Patrice O'Neill, Friday night videos. But he turned his back to the camera so they wouldn't air it, correct? Well, he went out and they said, don't curse or anything like that. And he knew he just didn't want to. So he just walked out.

I remember he just opened him and he said, oh shit. I started, I was like this motherfucker. After shit. That's why he started. I was like this motherfucker. After he saw me tank, he was like, I'm gonna fucking just, yeah, cause when he did the Apollo, he fucking just cursed his brains out

and they never aired it. On the Apollo. Oh, he's like, fucking good, fucking night, fucking now he told me he did that. But who's a key to a hot one on the Apollo? And he aired that shit, right?

I think, well, his first one. Why are you bringing this shit up so people can go back and just look at it? Why would you do that to me? Ah, dude, what are you gonna do? We all bomb. I bombed on everybody, bombs. I bombed twice on Carson Daily.

And I did this weird thing with them, because we have the cord mics everywhere. So I didn't know that this was my thing. When I get nervous, I would take the mic and kind of do this. But it was a cord mics everywhere. So I didn't know that this was my thing. When I get nervous, I would take the mic and kind of do this, but it was a cordless mic. So I would take my hand and kind of, I would just wiggle it. So when I started bombing, I just started going like this.

Oh, so I came off and mad for us, and then he goes, dude, what the fuck was this? I go, what? He goes, you kept going like this? I was like, I did, somebody walked. If you see me, I keep doing this, they're going to walk. So the second time I did it, he came again, he's like, dude,

don't fucking do this. Fuck a five seconds. I'm just fucking doing this. Well, I, do you remember that time, I mean, you fucking did some MTV show you had to do stand up on like the Jersey Beach literally Jim Brewer's oh Beach

J.J. Dude dude, you never saw somebody so excited for their first TV credit and I had this little kitchen TV And you called your whole family to watch it and he was standing there like they all wide I look at it dude and like I don't know who to try it fuck tried to cat because he killed on it But they you couldn't hear the audience so now now you look even worse, cause he's out there like, and I'm fucking excited, you couldn't fucking hear anything. I just remember dude, I watched his fucking face fall. He was so sad I couldn't make fun of him. I was just like, yeah dude, the production on it wasn't,

you can tell you doing good. He's just like, dude, dude. Was that bad? Was that bad? Like, dude, middle of the day, son is out and he's fucking having an emotional meltdown. And he's trying to open up to me the most closed up cycle ever, just like dude,

was that bad dude? I'm like no, no, it's like, you remember that shit? Dude, it's fine, it's fine, everybody. Everybody kinda, same way. I did, I do, but no no listen wait a second the reason why They ship you out in a van from the port authorities all the way to the Jersey Shore And I fucking 4 30th morning you get out there the crowds on

Literally sitting out on the sand in front of this house on the on the beach drunk too They're hosting them down with water because you know, it's like two in the afternoon, they sat there through the peak of sun. And they're just sitting there, just these kids burning in the sun. No, no sunblock. Just, there's a guy hosing them down with a squirt gun

to keep them alive. And you come out on a deck. And Bruce like this next guy, he's fucking great, fucking boppy, Kelly. And you walk up. Yeah, we're wearing, I'm in New York City clothes on this fucking beach. Everybody, I think comic looks stupid.

You should've been like a Hawaiian shirt or something. He had all this fucking jet black shit on. I had some good stuff. I'm doing every taking a fucking subway. You should've been like a Hawaiian shirt or something. He had all his fucking jet black shit on. I had some good stuff. Dude, you ever be taking a fucking subway? No. Fucking screaming. These guys are just fucking.

I had sunglasses on. Dude, he was talking to his mom. Let's come in on. Let's come in on. Like he was eating at everybody. His first TV credit, he didn't know enough. I didn't fucking tell anyone's on TV for the first fucking 15 years of jacquery.

Or I would tell anybody. Really, because I had no idea I was gonna go. He told everybody, in the age of two in the afternoon, we shot at an 11 a.m. It was so hot. I remember, I had all black on the hot summer sun. Dude, that was a black on.

That chain with the bike lock. Dude, I had a chain with rings from chicks. I used to bang. And when I stopped banging them, I would give them, I would say give them half a ring. And they would always, you know, they'd give me a ring. So I had like five rings on my thing. I stopped wearing that one at the Boston

because I was doing something. I think I was, I was bombing, but I had so much energy back then. I would just step on the gas and fucking, wow, and the ring chip. I'm bombing. I remember the rings came up and hit my tooth, and I just went king, and the girl went,

ah, and I had a little chip. I had a chip on my tooth. I just remember bombing at the Boston. If you had shoes on, you could hear yourself walking on the wood I was a Boston was the fucking worst the bomb at I met just girl I met just girl and we started dating right but she went out with a

A major guitar Lenny Krabitz dating him you let me crack she dated Lenny Krabitz Wow, and I met her when we went to a lot of girls that date you had opportunities to date better people Lenny Krabitz dated him. He dated Lenny Krabitz. Wow. And I met her when we went to a lot of girls that date you had opportunities to date better people in the town. Maybe he was dispatched. Bonnie was supposed to fucking date the guy from. She was dating him.

I mean, that's a, that's a, you know what her life would be if she stayed. Yes, big deal. These guys, he opened for me. So anyhow, he's a, he's a big star, big deal, big deal but he said i can't make a uh... down the road on a day to nathan phillion nathan phillion nathan fucking phillion probably thirty million he's on everything

so i think i think i think i'm born to no she's not looking at his list of shit to go back to that go back to a big deal can i use a good good castle. He was on castle, which was on castle was on for fucking eight seasons good Who's close in the deal though? Yeah, but what is he what is he shoot around a golf? Can he break 80 can he break 80 no no so I'm at I'm dating this girl I'm dating this girl so she brings her friends to see me at Boston. Can he fit in her pajamas too? Oh, he quit listening.

You save money. I'll wear the tops tonight. You wear the bottoms. Keep each other warm. So, let's go bring some friends. You share jeans. Let's go dated. Let's see if she comes to see me at Boston I

Didn't give a friend I remember when you guys were 18 million jeans true Yeah giant stitching and that fucking horseshoe when you're back at your ass. I got fucking 10 pairs at home I don't know what to do with well That's one and I got a kid when you go to like to take them to the park and stuff You can tell when somebody first became a dad because they have their last pair of cool jeans on So anybody with a 10 year old kid has like true religion jeans on.

Anybody before that has the diesel. And the super old dads have like the fucking gap jeans and shit like that. You could also too, when I used to take my kid to the park when I was divorced from my first wife, then you would look at the other guys that didn't have rings on their hand. So you wouldn't feel so empty and alone.

You're gonna wanna look at another father who has his kids on the weekend, right? Because it was just so horrible. It's sitting apart and sometimes you see families, but you love when you saw another guy without a ring on his left hand. You're gonna, good, I'm not the only loser out here. Jesus dude, that's dark man. It was dark. You're fucking taking your friends money who just died.

So, but so I lost in this girl came down with you for friends. You should do a bit on that. You just throw some jokes in there. That's fucking great. So you really paid a picture there. Give me a compliment. I saw that. It's on a fucking old thing.

I'm very sad. I want to commend you for not killing yourself. Tell fucking dark down. I don't know what I think about that every once in a commend you for not killing yourself. Tell fucking dark, that was... I don't know what I think about that every once in a while, like if killing yourself? No, I don't think about killing myself. Everyone's doing great.

I don't fucking trash you next to me. You fucking phony. You just go fuck, sorry. We better go out of the stairs. Shut up, we gotta fucking... I found out 45 minutes, relax. I used 20 minutes. You took fucking half hour.

You told me fucking, you tell nine stories of hotel of fucking- I didn't get to finish one of them. I had a great portion of comedy food. This was a good one, relax. Oh man. I let you finish it. I'm clear, you're throat.

I can't help you, get me excited. Your mouth is too wet. I know, I have a lot of wetness tonight. I think about that once in a while. I don't know if you think about it, but I think if my, look, I'm very happy, me and my wife are real happy. I mean, it's the greatest,

I've never been this happy in my life right now, which scares the shit out of me. Once in a while, I get so scared like, and I'll think like, what if she leaves me? Like, what would I do if I had to go visit max and Some other dudes house like oh what if I had to leave this house and some dude was living here They don't they don't jump into that that quick, you know, that that's very seldom ease into the misery Like when my ex wife and I divorced, I had my kids in the

day and she had them at night. We both raised our, but we were good friends too after we got divorced. So there's a difference. Some people are the worst enemy. Some are good. Like I can see if Bonnie and I got divorced, it would be ugly. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because we're both comics and both fucking verbal and mean. We'd have to pick sides. I would go on, I'd take her side. I'd even take her side for me. I'd go on her side because I know I'm fucking wrong. We almost, I yelled at her once,

and I yelled at her, I said, get out, move. I go, here's 25,000 leave. And she said, that's not enough. And then I realized, never make your final offer first. I said, that was good.. I did it started with 10. But you know, you just give her 25,000, right? Like that. Yeah, you have 25 at the house. Really? It was the big deal. The rings, man. So I bring this girl to Boston I just called the Boston Comedy Club. And she brings three of her friends. And I fucking bombed.

I was hosting and I bombed right out of the gate and I bombed every time I went up that night in front of her and her friends. And when they walked out, they couldn't even look me in the face or friends. That's how bad. Boston Comedy Club, Bom and Air was brutal.

Like you said, you were salvaged to the date. No, it was done. It was done. That happened to me. It was done to me. What? I met a chick one time with a fuck, some festival. And she came up to me, she was into me.

And then I went up on stage and bombed, and I could not find her after the show. You remember, you know, just texting me today, Al Del Ben just texting me today? Al Delfani texting me today. Literally, he's just like, look, I, whatever I've been kind of shitty, I miss you, I love you, blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you, whatever.

But I just literally started smiling because I remember the time we took an Amtrak home for Thanksgiving. Oh God. Which was the busiest night I mean it's to take an amtrak on Thanksgiving is red it there's no seats and Meam bur and and Al the bedd we want to sit in the food car the food car All night it was like an all night fuck and train ride and

No, it was just during the day. No, it was at night because we pulled up in the morning. Oh, is that what it was? It was an overnight train. But it's only a three hour ride. There's no way it would take the whole night. Oh, it takes you. That's within an acceler, they didn't even have to sell it. It's like a five hour ride back then because they stopped at every single stop to Boston. Every. Yeah, it was a five-hour train. All right. Yeah, it was all night. It was fucking terrible.

Okay. And we were sitting there telling us that we were having such a great time in the food that was one dude on his little fucking computer, Mike, the big layup. No. No.

No. No. Long story short, we were talking and we would curse. Yeah. Remember that fucking guy? And there was this fucking lady, nurse ratchet. The conductor lady was going like, hey, watch him out.

We'd be like, oh, sorry. And we just was such dirt bags. We weren't doing it on purpose. And she thought we were. And then more we cursed the matter she got. And she was like, all fucking high in mighty with her authority. I just remember at some point, she came walking over

and she kicked me in the leg. Oh, go on. Girl, what the fuck? Great, so I'm like, she's and I was just like, did you just kick me whatever? They kicked us off the fucking train the cop showed up. She goes like this. She goes like this She goes she kicks burr burr. I was like, what the what the hell? And she's like you you swear one more time you're off this train and She leaves she's like two seconds away and Delbenny goes, what the fuck?

That's it! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're off. You're off. She fucking calls, I want him off. She had the cop, we get off of the next stop, cops waiting, what mean, it's the middle fucking, like 6'30 in the morning. No, they kicked me off at my stop.

That was the funny thing, that was all good. You go, they kicked me off at my stop. That was the funny thing. That was all good. You go, kick them off at fucking Newton. You were the cop showed up. Yeah. The cop showed up and she said they got, hey buddy, I got it. Screaming like I got a lunatic take.

And he looks over us. I was just like, dude, this chick is crazy. And then the cop just looks at us. When she left, he just goes, look, can you guys just get off here? And I just, I don't want to deal with those people working all this stuff. So we all just got off. And what did we end up doing to my mother, can you guys just get off here and I just, I don't want to deal with all those people working all this stuff. So we all just got off and what did we end up doing?

Am I mother give you guys a ride? No, we had to take the regular train. We had to wait for the fucking MTA. And you were like, happy Thanksgiving. See, you learned your mama's like, right? They're picking you up. It was still funny, because we weren't trying to curse. And we just kept accidentally doing it.

And then she would get madder. And then we were like, crying laughing, going like, I wasn't even trying. And then we just kept accidentally doing it and then she would get mad And then we were like crying laughing going like I was even trying and then we go to get me I was that fucking asshole. It's just how we talk It was so funny she kicks him. She's one more time. I should have yelled fuck you I think I asked for a manager on the train Kick me and Delbeni went into the office and filed a claim But then there was all this paperwork. She would like I would we go to get the boss on the train. You were the shoot. Kick me and Del Benny went into the office and filed a claim. But then there was all this paperwork. She would like, I would go to get the boss

and I just like get the fuck out of here. I called when I came back to New York. I called the hack office to file, to see if I could get some money. And what happened? Nothing. It was just too much work. I can't.

I wasn't gonna do it. No, but I could have, you know, I could have. Oh, you could have soon. Nah, if I was a woman and it was the other way around I could have done something. Oh my god. If I was a guy, but not back then I don't think you can go back then you can hit women. Yeah, you could. Yeah Let's wrap this up. I'm fucking hungry too. There's gonna be a A quick we me and Vos have to go do a tea. What do we what does it call again? 15 minutes at the seller, comedy central and Viacom.

No, what does it call? Oh, what happened this week? Not the comedy central. What's it call? This week at the college. Straight from the newspapers to your ears. Bobby Kelly. Diversity on, what is it?

It's called this week, gender neutral comedy. Yes, trans called no one will be offended. If you're white and 40 something, watch what you say. Watch what you say. You hear about new man. Why the mess? Pat.

You hear about the mess. Pat. What? Holy shit. He was working. He wasn't saying anything. A woman comic says is changing the game comedy show. What have he got? You heard about the mesh but what? Holy shit. He was working. He wasn't saying anything. A woman comic says is changing the game comedy show. What happened?

They cut his mic off at a college gig and booted him off the stage because he did a joke. It wasn't even offensive, but they were like, this is a safe space. You know, we be, what's your name again? Alan. Okay. He's telling a great fucking story. What happened? Alan, Alan. What's the fuck? What the fuck? Alan okay, he's telling a great fucking story what happened Alan Alan

Yeah, all right no problem. Yeah, so he was saying he was that a joke where he's like he knows that being gays Not a choice because if you're black Why would you choose to add something else like being gay to that and after that? They were like so offended they cut off the mic they booted and on top of that They're like putting out all these articles that are you know saying that he's you know a horrible offensive comic and it's like they can't stop trying to destroy him and he's like he's he's he performed he's one of them he performed at an Asian American college show. Yeah it's it's it's it's they'll throw the fucking ass jokes. They're eating their own.

The left will throw each other on the but they don't give a fuck yeah. Yeah you can't play you can't do colleges anymore. Who the fuck does colleges you can't do that? Why would you how much fun could you have just do the one and just burn it to the ground? Well, you know what what Charlie Murphy walked off. He said fuck you I don't even want he ripped up the cat right and he walked off. He said fun This somebody ran up and grabbed it Just colleges I just did I remember I did college with Tracy Morgan.

And both of them will like, yeah, when I give you the check. I did a show. I get the check. This is true. I did one with Patrice. It was for the ACLU and it was at a college and there were some kind of thing. And they didn't let them do the next one. The ACLU said, you're a little too rough to Patrice. That's their main goal is to first amendment the HLU for. But these guys are against free speech. Like they, they're, yeah, they feel like it's, you know, they want to do away with it. Hey, do you remember, remember that time the Steinbergs, they booked us and we did that benefit for PETA? Remember, and you hosted and you went up and bombed, and then I went up and I bombed it.

And no one was, the only two people listening was the two guys from Queer Eye First for the straight guy. Like they actually were respecting that it was a show. And everyone was talking and then Patrice went up. And just when he went up and he just started quietly talking about how he ate a puppy for breakfast. Right. Was in New York, we did.

Yeah, and they kept, they cut off, they cut off. The lady's on the stage. He goes why who you? And he goes she goes I don't want to put this together because I don't give a shit He just kept talking kept just talking about cooking this pop slowly And then they cut off his mic and then he went over to the piano which he couldn't play It started Banging on the piano and he's looking it over us like smiling. I just probably thinking like why did I do that? Why did I just stand there doing my act like a fucking asshole?

I remember I did my first joke, it didn't work, and then my second joke that didn't work, and you know Patrice is laughing, we did that, he is. Yeah. I'm so sorry. He just started laughing, and that would just stop there, just bombing. We all bombed?

We all fucking bombed. We all bombed, and then he went up, and he talked about eating a puppy for breakfast And he was like our hero and he wouldn't get off the stage Then lady literally had to cut off the mic and she was like this soccer mom I'm running shit. I'm fucking do this. He got bitch. Nobody gives a shit about you. You you weird hips Just like whatever the fuck he was saying to her And then I just I just remember in the end she finally gained control of the microphone

and for Trees just didn't get off the stage and end the show with he was up there tickling the fucking Ivory's. Oh God, yeah, I'll miss him. I want to bomb the, I bomb that a corporate gig. You're gonna follow that? Alright, guys. Probably won't be so great, but I know. Alright Alan.

So I once bombed at a corporate gig as we're a big insurance company and they had me go on three hours into the party. Everyone's wasted and they handed DJ a note. The DJ looks at a note and he's pissed into the microphone. Folks, I'm sorry I have to do this, but unfortunately we've got some kind of comedian here. Good intro. Yeah, he's like, we've got to cut the music, stop the dancing. I'm sorry guys.

And he just like throws me the mic. People are booing and somebody yells and they got to cut the music stop the dancing. I'm sorry guys And he he just like throws me the mic People are booing and somebody yells they go to get the mic somebody yells why why God why and I yelled back because your god fucking hates you and It's a didn't win today and that gig was insane the guy would not stop heckling me and then at the gig went horribly and then like the owner Went to he's like listen, I'm sorry about that that That guy first thing when they morning, I'm firing him. And I'm like, please don't fucking do that. I don't want another guy. You know, I don't want this guy being like, not only this comedian, but-

He's learning a great comedy lesson right now. Don't follow over. All right. And I'm like, no stop Bill. Yeah, stop. But I admire your ability to just throw yourself against the wall. You're gonna make it in this business.

Thank you. You're gonna fucking golf. That one hurt the back of my throat. All right. Listen, I thought we were sharing. I couldn't swallow during that story. I can't. Don't say anything.

Don't say anything. Just speak your mouth for Treeson Niel. Treeson Niel comedy benefit of the eighth, I believe, is February 19th. February 19th, it's at the same place every year. New York City Center, New York City Center. You've been there 20 times. He's still on the same place every year. Who's on it this year? Big J. Ockerson, Rich Voss, as always, host every fucking year, destroying Jim Gaffigan, myself. Who else? Who else? Michelle Wolf. Michelle Wolf. Michelle Wolf.

Michelle Wolf. That's the 2018 one. Yeah, we got a murder. Murder was wrote. Is Michelle Wolf on? Yeah, Michelle's on this year. Yeah. Okay, so there's a couple.

Is it sold out yet? It's on its way. I mean, it sells out every year. It sells out every year. Yeah, I mean, we really been on sale for a couple of weeks and it's only like, I don't know, is it a couple of thousand we have to sell? We're into the hundreds at this point.

Jesus, can you take it right now? It's, it's, it, it raises money for the family, but it keeps Patrice's the greatest comic in my life. I have a saw. Yeah. I have a saw. I don't get it. His memory alive.

I don't get it. Billy Barrett, thanks for coming on, buddy. No worries. Boss, what do you got? Voshrost roast calm this weekend? I'll be at levity Alan I'm sorry that you got smashed. I wasn't here. That's okay. Do you feel better? Yeah, I feel better and listen I just appreciate you having a show man and you made it up with Ricky I think I resolved it. Yeah, yeah because he doesn't know me like he just knew me he's starting out and he just you know like He hasn't seen me in years, right? I'm a you know, I'm a strong fucking comic. He doesn't you know see me

I know but I appreciate about it. You live with Tim. So you work with Tim. Yeah, I love Tim. Tim's great. All right good Yeah, so you know, I've seen him naked a bunch of times. I don't need to know beautiful. That's the this terrible I've seen him naked a bunch of times. I don't need to know. Beautiful. That's just terrible. I remember Larry Poochie. He was very well hung. Is he got a big piece?

All right, good. What do I got? You got the fat black next to tomorrow night? Tomorrow night, are you on that? Yeah. How are you doing that tomorrow night? All right, great. Mike, you're hosting, right?

Yeah. All right, cool. Vos is on it, too. I'm doing my hour tomorrow night at the Fact Black. So come down, if you want to come down, it's at 8.30. The tickets are pretty cheap. It's a great room and the show is going to be great. We got Mike, we got me and we got Rich Foss and I think a couple of the people, maybe one of the person's going to go on. Maybe even Keith Robinson if he shows his fucking face. Tomorrow night, and I'm working on my hour.

I have two hours now because I can't, they won't give me a special. So I'm gonna, I'll probably have four hours by the time this whole thing turns around and they want white guys again. Anyways, and then we're an American comedy club in San Diego. What? What? Yeah.

American comedy club San Diego this weekend. Pekipsy laughing up. Yonkers. That is December 15th. So get your tickets for Yonkers and then Spokane and Tacoma. I'm up there for New Year's. That week I love those clubs. So hey, I want to thank you guys all again for the amazing comments. Can you do a quick plug? I'm So hey, I want to thank you guys all again for the amazing comments Can't do a quick plug. I'm gonna I'm gonna thank them for the amazing comments about my dead dad Do you want to can you wait? No, go ahead do it in the middle? No, no listen. I don't want I don't want to step on that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Bobby. It's a good time to plug

No, I can't no, please do it. I think that'd be a little scary. You're a fucking scammer. You're selfish. God. Check out the Weak and Sex podcast. Oh my god. Anyways, the great podcast, the Weak and Sex podcast. I prefer to punch. Alright, buddy. Are you done? You anything else? I'm done. Sorry about your dad, Bobby. No, it's alright. I do, I want to thank all the fans this week at comedy connection and then in... Plussenville. Pleasantville. Fucking unbelievable, you guys are the best. You fuck, I was so nervous about going on.

You know, I literally went from the funeral to stage in Rhode Island. The best fans in the fucking world, I mean that, you're the best. All you guys that came up you listen to the podcast and girls Thanks for listening. Thanks for being a listen every week It means the world to me you guys are the best fans ever What do you got at my cabrousy on all social media? And I got my podcast a little time. You can download that whatever what do you got? Oh, I'm at human places the easy three if you like photography and just got a brand stand-up. And she's got a brand new studio, you little son of a bitch.

It's pretty. I might be having you help me design the new studio here. Oh, that would be an honor. Oh, well, all right. What do you got there? At Mike Feeswara's on Instagram and Twitter. If you're watching live, I'll be at the San Antonio Impro for their last week. This weekend, he's sitting in prop audits and closing it.

And Lafayette Loud for for new years this year to Antonio Awesome and also yeah, I'm so glad the awesome I mean I haven't hung with these guys in so long. I could just sit there and listen to these two fucks talk man Then they make me so happy remember the old days and I hope you guys enjoyed the show as much as I did Zach What do you got baby? You guys will see you next week? You know what, dude. T. Bye! you