Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Inspirado

Episode Date: September 9, 2013

Robert is joined by Monroe Martin, Paul Virzi, Big Jay Oakerson and Chris the intern.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Mao, a Madrid.

3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, 3 por 1, Esta es la 3 por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar tu del 3 por 1 en mediana, alomicidio solo pidiendo al line. ¿Saparao? 3 por 1, 3 por 1,icilio solo pidiendo el line. ¿Saparao? 3 por 1, 3 por 1, ah no, no, no. ¡Dominos! Picha. ¿Buscas contenido gratis?

¡I wanna be see! Fluto TV es el servicio de streaming gratuito con series como South Park o sensación de vivir. Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Fluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. in all your devices. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. All right, check it out.

Here are my dates. You guys are always asking me where you're going to be playing when he comes into my town. There he is, when he comes back to Jersey, man. When he comes back to the Maryland. Well, here you go here are my dates So get a pen and a piece of paper and Jotted down October 10th 11th 12th McGubby's Joe Cousin Maryland love that club too and then I'm back October 24th at the Revelle casino

Brand new casino Atlantic City. I'm doing an hour show, one show only. That's a fucking good time. So get your tickets for that. October 25th, 26th, comedy works Albany. October 31st, Fannybone, Sacra. Where is it, Syracuse? That's the 31st, through the third. That's a long one.

That's up in Syracuse. I think that's a new club, the funny bone in Syracuse. October 31st to November 3rd. November 7th, 8th, 9th. I'm in Toronto, Canada for the Dark Comedy Festival. T.Dodd, baby. December 6th, Side Splitters, all the way to December 8th, in Tampa. Tampa, I love Tampa. December 27th, comedy shop, blackstone, blackstone. I don't know what the fuck that is. It's, it's fucked. My wife fucked up on this one. So, she's gonna have to fix it.

But that's enough. You get it. Go to robbercallylive.com right now. If I didn't mention your town, it might be up on my website. If not not email me the club you want me to come to and I will make sure my agent is on it. So there you go. All right check it out this is the intro for What's the name of the Chris?

Inspirado. This is a great show. I had some of my favorite people on this one. We had Monroe, who is just hilarious. Great guy. We had Big J, one of the best Paul Verzi's, Paul Verzi, sorry Verzi's. It's fucking two of them. And Chris, the new intern slash Kelly, slash serial killer. It was awesome. Great time. You're gonna enjoy this one. Really funny, interesting. Some good perspective on the business.

So that's it. So I hope you enjoy it. The the Inspirado podcast. And make sure you keep donating. You guys who do donate constantly, we love you. Thank you so much. All that money goes back into the show and we support our sponsors. We have Amazon.com link on riotcast.com slash Robert Kelly.

Go to our page on riotcast, the YKWD page. If you buy anything on the internet, use that link. Amazon link, make it your home page, book market. And we make cash in gamefly.com Netflix of gaming if you're a video gamer use our code go to our website on Gamefly.com gamefly.com slash YKWD two weeks free trial there you go so make sure you go there and also one of my favorites and I got to go there tonight I got to get more headphones tweakedaudio.com has some of the most inexpensive really great headphones out

there you can go there for a cheap price get some good headphones different colors different styles Mike non-Mike Mike and for a cheap price and it gets even better because if you use the code word what dude you get 33% off. That's right, 33% off and free shipping. Okay, so they hooked up all you guys. All my listeners get a great deal at twiek.io.com. Make sure you go and get your headphones there now. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton.

This is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Chrysler. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? I know what, dude! Ify bippy by uh, ify bippy boo,

dippy dippy dhyah, yabba dabba do. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what to do! Alright, here we go. What? That's the waving cat. Yeah, that's the fucking waving cat. Yeah, we're a stop rod casting.

Star recording. I don't even know if this shit's going to work. That's fucking crazy dude. That guitar is great man. What the the ride cast guitar? Yeah. Yeah. Who did that? Um, the ride cast people. Yeah, we're doing ads. We're gonna do everything. Are you the ride cast people? Yeah. It's you. It's me and Rob. Yeah. I'm saying you are like a part of it. It's like, like yeah I own half the network. Which whatever that means. You're brilliant dude. That's what the fucking mean. Why is that smart dude? Well look man. You know what the fuck it all

like no all bullshit something what's awesome about you is like since I've known you. Yeah. Which has been about 12 fucking years now. Like you fucking uh you just fucking do or do. Like that uh, that's a very impressive quality, guys, but I don't possess, right? And then it sucks, like it's self-fixible. That's how shitty and lazy I am. I don't really fix it. You should be, you know, you're, um,

yeah, but I also, I also like this shit. You know, websites, man, like, well, the first road to Beverly tip of the year you were showing me your website and like before you saw this a bunch of means obviously it's changed now but you had like the you graphic you'd walk out on top of your website name you grabbed the ball and like throw it in the thing and that would open up a new page

i had websites before website been barely said bob keller's website is more famous than him i had a web i just, I love nerds, I love fucking nerds, I love dudes who are like fucking class five nerds who can just, you know, all right dude, let me just say yes when this thing comes on your computer screen. But were you one of those? And then you, and all of a sudden you just, as a thing comes up when you computer and you say yes, and you can see him just moving around your mouse and taking over your shit

And was that a character trait of you like were you always into like trying to figure out like techie shit Was that always your deal were you like the first guy? Two vcrs trying to record I believe it or not. I think it's from and this is a weird said segue I don't know that's a verzy. He's gonna be paying the fucking traffic on the 50. Yeah, the fucking I'm out. I'm out. I'm fucking out. I live in fucking Westchester. It's only 20 minutes away But I mean sometimes it can be an hour and a half, but you know what fucking well I fucking it's a I mean in 40 14 minutes the other day no traffic with this spaceship You know so great about you Bill and Paul Verzi all all you guys doing impression of each other that sounds like an impression of either one of you

But it's but it's just like the Rosa too, but just like Lewis. Yeah, see I don't do the Rose That's not my voice for the Rosa my de Rose voice is different, but like it's all but it's like Lewis when Lewis does his own voice Like you know, I mean you'll talk to Lewis. They'll be like Hey guys, he's like doing his impression. He's like doing the impression of us doing an impression of him yeah yeah that's the best way like Lewis does his own Lewis voice we just have to do it but here in you or Bill I always talk with the other one it's just like you guys do an actual voice but it's the same voice that I would do if I was doing you I I know, I know. Hey, verse. What the fuck, man?

Fucking traffic. Dude, dude, take me. I'm from, do it. From, do it. A fucking, do it. It's 14 minutes from, you know what I'm saying? No traffic, spaceship, with fucking a time machine. I'm fucking, it's fucking awesome, dude.

I got a backyard with fucking ticks and fucking lime disease and deer and shit. You got a backyard now? Oh, I got a big one. Really? Yeah, I got over an acre fucking ticks and fucking lime disease and he isn't shit. You got a backyard now Oh, I got a big one really I got I got over an acre of land man. I heard the coyotes fucking howling last night I told that motherfucker you an adult You an adult Howdy Paul 34 Yeah 34 man

Fucking big old house Big old house What do you live you live in a small house and then half of it got taken away and I'm saying by God What is it a private it's private. It's like a No, it's my my wife's mother owns it She moved to Columbia, so we took it over basically. Oh, you're not okay, but it's a private. I don't own it. Okay. Got you Well, yeah, so it's probably it's like it's it's private house put you guys are like the downstairs some shit I I used to stay in the downstairs like a little apartment. I kind of had my shit set up down there and

And that's gone. It doesn't exist anymore. Oh, no. My stuff or the basement. There's no more basement. I mean, there's a structure of what a basement is, but there's no outside of it. Not sure if there's an outside of it. There's no inside of it.

And the outside of it's pretty fucked up. Mill doing shit. I got it. No, it's pretty fucked up. Mill doing shit. I got it. No, it's all gutted. Yeah, but that was covered, right? But this is not my, like, could you guys, I don't know. I'm not your god, y'all, yeah.

So I just got a couple bucks from FEMA for all my shit that I own. And then my car. Well, you lost, you lost like, like you lost, like, I lost all my clothes. Yeah, car. Closed. You like, like you lost like, I was on my clothes yet car. Closed.

You lost three Pantara shirts, one pair of short jeans and a chain wallet with some mittens. That's all you lost. Yeah, did you lose them? And could I have them seen you with the fingerless gloves in the middle of my body? Some are summertime, buddy.

It's fun. You know what's funny is when I host sometimes, when I'm hosting over at the stand or whatever, and a lot of times Jay will close out the show where he's in town and I always know when I host and bring up Jay when I say hi to Jay. Jay says hi. You know gives a pound and looks at my shirt. You know he's looking for ammunition because if I come with something crazy he's gonna this is gonna do it. So I was like you know what man. Fuck that. If he says this I'm gonna try crazy, he's gonna do it. So I was like, you know what man, fuck that. If he says this, I'm gonna say something about his gloves.

And he goes on state and I'm looking and you didn't have the fucking gloves and I was like, fuck man, that's a cut off gloves. I don't even have anything. Can't even say anything. I was smart with those gloves. I own those gloves. Like, in my eye, you know what I mean?

Like by owning them, I gotta say like, I just owned it like more times on the stage I would be like I go what do you think it's going on here to go I'm a 35 year old man wearing knuckle gloves like I feel you just committed to a look there's a thing you named him you actually named him knuckle gloves it's not a knuckle of it's a fucking mitten with no fingers it's a cigarette it's a cigarette mitten for! You've come a long way baby. I thought it was a cookin' like fuckin'

you know, hobo dinner gloves almost. Yeah, I just saw the homeless guys wear. That's what I did. So you can still hold money. That's Chris everybody. Hey guys, alright I'm sorry for being a little discombobulated. We didn't want to do this video shit, but stupid Lewis Gomez used this computer

and somehow his Twitter is the only feed that works. So when I send out the new U stream, we have the camera over here. We're trying, these are all tests. We're trying to see, we're gonna have two cameras going at once, one face and me, one face and down there. We're trying to get the video feed up here

and these are all tests that we're doing and stupid Gomez uh actually I have to tweet out through his shit cuz you look through his private messages. No, why not? We said tweet. I like big black dick. All right. Well, yeah, we have loses Twitter open. Yeah fucking doing why are we not doing that? I can think of a thousand funny Lois things. Is are you asking him first? Don't be that guy Come on Bobby. What happened to you two used to commit to it so to an evil gig?

Come on stop it. All right. I'm gonna send it out. I'm sending out a tweet right? Right. Let's go. Let's think it is. Let's think about it. We got I don't but here's it five people in this one Let's think I don't think it's I don't know but here's the five people in this one. Let's think. I don't think it's, I don't know if it's, we're gonna see if it's logged in, okay? It might not be logged in. I bet you're gonna log it at 4. No, I swear to God. If it's logged in, we'll read everything all his shit. Okay, I guarantee you I will fucking do as evil as you want. Okay, but I-

Can I read it in his voice? I- I- Don't get high. Cause. You're fakey dog. You gotta stop twittering me, man. I don't get a cause you're begging dog You got to stop twittering me man. I was drunk that night I was not in there I fuck it um anyways, so you know you were saying something really interesting before big J is that you brought up my

You were saying something really interesting before Big J is that you brought up my love for all this crazy shit But you know taking something from nothing which I love I love seeing something just an empty room and what's up? Did you treat the re-you she met? Huh? Yeah, you did? From where though? From you know what did I did? No did you I'm asking you I don't know look What did you treat her? I don't know fucking look I'm in the middle of a fucking moment.

And you're like, would you? Would it Kelly teach you how to fucking annoy me? Did you tweet to you? Who can fucking as a phone right in your hand? Where's Kelly? She's in Australia for three weeks. Chris is taking her place. You like to start something from nothing.

Well, like I like to, you say it, J. You said it better than me. I don't want to sound like a fucking ego maniac or a weirdo. You just kind of like, whether you're a doer. Yeah, like I like you should do like you're on top of it all the stuff. No, listen It's an argument about what a what a huge audience you have for this podcast Yeah, I know you started doing it on a Phone yeah, but I mean we said that I say that once a week. I make sure that everybody knows I don't I started this from my phone Nothing there was dust and an iPhone fucking wonder before there was recording devices on phones

I give me rig the fucking recorder Did I remember the night you came in the comedy? So with your with your first iPhone when you had it before anybody Yeah, and you guys I remember you did this you brought up something the New York Times or something Yeah, and you go and I remember you did this. You brought up something like the New York Times or something and you go, and you go, did it, did it, check this out. And you just took your two fingers and did the two fingers, what it made it bigger.

And you did that and you just looked at me and you went, wow, huh? A few, good man. But you know what, it's funny is that my father, my real dad, Steve Kelly, who I haven't talked to on Jesus Christ 15, 16, 17 years, which I've actually been thinking about. Ever since I had that kind of falling out with my family, where I had the similar problem you had,

I got a brother-in-law type thing, and we went over it before, but I haven't talked to my family in like a month, which is a long, I haven't done that since I was in jail. It was the last time I went a month without talking to my family, you know, whatever. But I was thinking about my real dad, but he was that guy, he was the guy,

he always just tell me, he's an engineer. And he goes, I just pick shit apart, I take stuff, I make stuff, and I have that same thing in me where I see something that I, all right, let's we can do this. I go over to that park, I go over to the creek in the cave and they showed me their studio space down in the basement. I'm like, my brain went fucking nuts. If I wasn't with right gas, I would fucking have a radio station running out of there. Let's try to tell you with Legion of Skanks, it's like, spend a few hundred dollars

and you'll have an amazing, I get a fans coming, they have fucking like 15 bean bags to have fans come down and watch the show live and they have a green screen, it's crazy. And it's this, they have another space on the other side of the wall for voice over work You could just hook a mic up and it's just real quiet You can it's just like a soundproof room that you can make and I'm like this is this is a fucking

Television suit. This is a podcasting mecca. That's just sitting there and you fucking dummies Yeah, you know you would pat Dixon or two Yeah, oh Rebecca. Yeah, she got to get my you and Pat Dixon You're two or two. Yeah, you're supposed to do or two. Yeah, oh, Rebecca. Yeah. Yeah, she is she is She's yeah, well that a doubt man. I got to the impressive quality But I just like I think I always like notice it because I don't I lack it Well, I mean here. Yeah, well you are a fucking you know, that's the not the first thing that comes to your mind when you say big J I was doing I got really get the done.

Think sticky banded glow. That's a guy who shows up maybe on time. But he will show up and do the job. You do the job. Kill the job. Yeah, you'll kill the fucking job. But you're not going to create the job. The job opportunity has to fall to me.

Literally, it has to fall in your hands and then into your management hands. You've got to fall out of your hands. You got to create your opportunities. I go, well, I'm just hoping that's not the way the entire world works. That's funny. You really are hoping that you're hoping it's 1940s Hollywood where a guy walks into a fucking pizza shop. You got to look kid. You have a plan. Yeah, you have a resolution. I actually went on last night. This is crazy. I was thinking to my dad, my real dad, and you know, we just stopped talking. It was weird. We just stopped talking, you know, something my mother said to me you know

Something now my she did some shit to my I don't know. I don't even know if it's true I never found out I just that fucking Italian Irish boss and fuck that you don't fuck my system My sister was going through a kidney transplant and I guess he wrote her a letter like you know Some fucking I never heard of it and I don't know. I don't know what's true. It's not true I never read the letter I just fucking took it for vase value and I shut my relish down with this guy and it took me you know It took me howl real I don't know it'll be my late 20s and you know and it took me a long time after I got So but it get that relationship with him he didn't trust me. I remember being at a meeting that I started called, you're not alone, again, I'm a doer. I really am. I remember I fucking...

How did you name it like an alt comic? I went back to this meeting years later and it was still going. I was so proud and I was sitting up front and I found... I the hall I picked the coffee maker I Picked with a fucking stage was gonna. You know, I did everything. Okay, and here I am back nobody fucking knows my name I'm waiting for somebody to go founder The Bob Kelly Memorial Hall. Yeah, like it turned just you know just a statue So he, I, somebody goes, I don't know who it was. I think it might have been Gary who started this meeting. And I almost went, no, it's me.

I almost did that. I almost went, no, no, no, no. Gary, who the fuck's Gary? I don't know a fucking Gary. I picked the name. You're not alone. He says, but the name of this meeting, you're not alone, really gets me through my days because now and I'm like I pick that

I I picked for that I was imagining the same thing like somebody would you know the name But anyways we we You're over to him and say well no, I just No, I took it I took the hit I walked out and they treated me like shit, too They didn't even like ask me if I, am I a newcomer? They didn't even ask me if I usually they like, how are you?

I'm like the regular people. No, I was Boston, it was regular people. Because no matter what you figure the guy, I can blast the ball. I can have a movie theater like, my uncle made this movie. I was like, now it was one of the pictures. You're a better man than me. I would have had to say it.

Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't have been able to just, I would have had to say, hey, you know, tell the storage storage page, why don't everybody know I wouldn't have been able to just, I would have had to say, hey, you know, tell the storage storage, but I just want to let everybody know I started this and then go into my store, even if I sound like an asshole. You just took it, man. Yeah, first you would have said,

I want to check. No, not for nothing though. All right. I know that I don't know it's fucking Gary, but I'm telling you right now, I'm the one who fucking named it. That's me. I thought that shit and fucking on the FTI. I'm traffic. I was like, I'm not alone. I'm not alone name that that's me. I thought that shit and fucking on the FTI.

I'm traffic. I was like, I'm not alone. I'm not alone. Don't be alone right now, Verge. That's what makes you drink. You're in traffic, you get alone, you get angry. I would have said that. You got fucking gummy bears.

I'm out. I'll never have to make that Sophie's choice because I will never start anything. LAUGHTER Because you are a you are a taker and a fucking in a job doer You know, hell of a speech if the guy who founded it asked you here's a DJ come down So I'm sitting there on the fuck I'm sitting like Jesus Christ I haven't talked to this guy. We took me I remember at the meeting when I first started getting sober

I called them and he said what do you want a Christmas present and I was like no, I don't I just want to be friends I don't want to dad and all. And then we slowly started becoming friends again. We did dinner every once in a while. I was so sick to say, what do you want a Christmas present? Well, because it's true. It's like, I used to call them just on birthdays and Christmas. You know what I mean?

Look, I remember I called them once when I was getting fucking, when I was in fifth grade. And I just couldn't take it anymore with that, the guy who, Billy, who used to beat me. And I remember I called them up and I just couldn't take it anymore with that the guy who Billy who's to beat me and I remember I called him up and I was so sad and and I said I don't want to live here anymore I want to live with my father and my mother went you want to live with your father? Go ahead and she dialed the number go ahead Steve here and I want to come live with you and he was like I can't you can't. I was like what the fuck you

can't you set me up. You my mother what an assholes you just set me up for a nice hot while you're done. I'm sorry I'm gonna I was in the same situation type thing but your mom will play you against your father to be like I care about you more than he does. Like maybe in the situation but he couldn't take care of you. Yeah but that's not but that's not always, you know, it was pretty cool. I thought was interesting. My mom, when my dad split, my mom definitely did the right

away was with the like, that piece of shit and blah, blah, blah. You know, I was really young. Yeah. You got with a chain wall of mittens with no fucking fingers. I was years from that. I had a whole wigger phase before we got there. I seen photos. We see photos of the shit. Yeah, yeah. I had a whole wigger phase before we got there. I've seen photos of the video. Oh man. We're gonna talk about that. But guys, finish your thought. Oh my god, I forgot you were a fucking rap star.

You were a fucking, you were a biggie fucking shit dick. Go ahead. Yeah, my mom, my grandmother actually turned out like gave her the advice. It's so funny though how true the statement is my grandmother gave her to my mom like don't badmouth his father. If he's like, you know, much of a shithead as you say, he'll show it himself and sure fire. He did?

Yeah, yeah, every opportunity to take part. He just kind of didn't. But he'll say, but I did that move. When I was 11 years old, I did the dead wooden blah, blah, blah. By the way, what's interesting about that time, is even though he didn't call on birthday, and we were just kind of just like, I'm not saying it was never, but it was like,

he was like, I was not in his like foremost thoughts ever. After he fucking split. And it would come time like anytime he had a chance to like fucking like come through like he didn't but I still for something So I hung out with them because again to put in the perspective as an adult now 35 like I'm talking about my father being like in his 20s Yeah, my parents were young and they have yeah, my my mother was 15 which had my sister in 18 which you have me? Yeah exactly exactly same kind of thing. I don't fucking blame him though No, but my mom was like kind of sheepable, but uh... I don't fucking blame my dad at all.

And you know what? I do blame my dad. I don't give a fuck about it, because it's like, look, I don't want you to be my dad. I'm done with that. I'm a dad now. I'm the dad. But I was on the, I missed him last night,

or I kind of was thinking about him. And I went on the internet and I started googling him. It was really hard to find out where he was and i knew what town i found out i found his number and i was like yeah weird and then i found this note that i wrote him seven years ago well six years ago you would have been a little slow is it yeah yeah dear dad dude it's this it's this thing

there you go i don't really know who's not here so it's this thing. Hey, there you go So here's the thing I am I can read it by Bobby Kelly voice. I got I well here's a thing I wrote this online you can leave a message for somebody and they'll they can check it He never checked it ever six years over six years ago. You can read the day too I found it last night. I sent this to him just in case that he'd read it. Has anyone read it? No, but except for me. Go ahead. This is uh, okay. Oh, I feel weird to read this now. I feel like the even the first sentence. I'm like you're bearing your soul. You cock sucker. What fucking do cares? I don't want. All right, fine.

Dude, I'm getting married. October 10th. I bought a place in Manhattan, your brother came to show him Boston. If you wanna watch me get married, it will be live on the internet. You are a doer. You are a carthin' a doer. You didn't sleep it wedding. Dude, I'm simulcantin' the wedding. Dude, I saved $30,000 doing that.

I will get you the URL. You think your dad does what a fucking URL is? My dad was pretty savvy. I told you, he's a doer. He said, that's my point. He said doer too. That's why I wrote a fucking note on the internet. I wrote it too, it makes me a little better.

I wrote there. I did it on my podcast, but I gotta write it that. I gotta write you the stone, love letter. I wrote to Dice Clay one day. No way. Oh, where is it? He didn't answer either. Where is it?

It's on my Facebook. Oh please somebody get that. I'll bring it up. No, I have a curse we'll bring it up. I don't think it's on my, I think it's like in my messages. You know, here's the thing, here's the thing with you. Let me ask you a question. When you see, yeah.

I'm staring right at you face. Yes. Do I have to say your name? Are we that, not friends? Yeah, I'm staring right at you face. Yes. You want to say do I have to say your name? Are we that not friends? Yeah, go ahead. Let me talk to you for a second fucking asshole Does it bother you like when a white dude like him is a fucking like a wigger? You know what I mean? Why'd I stall on that fucking? Yeah, I'm nervous because he comes out of to work digger earlier with doesn't fucking... You know when it's, they do when it's pointed out that you're being panthered to.

Right. That's what it black people think. I noticed that was a weird thing. When I was doing the all black clubs I would do really well pantering and I pantered hard. Stool fuckingly hard. Ladies? I know I told them I like the chocolate. Oh, I'm not even that. Handered hard still fucking Lee hard ladies I'm not even that just like a I fuck the West foot. Oh, well fill it. No. Oh, I buy bitch a drink. Can you do? Oh that drink

You do Get up for the ladies. Um look a version wants to leave Faggot body what the fuck you're bringing me basic? It was very my jokes were very basic like Tell me tell me one of your jokes Miss directions and ship Do it is do it that character though do it and you know what you the way you should do it So only if I be in fat. We're gonna be we're gonna be we're gonna pretend to be black audience Yo, what's up mother?

Let me live white boy Remember I'll bring him up bring him up yo yo yo. Welcome to the chillin hut Boy, yeah, bring him up bring him up yo yo yo. Welcome to the chillin hut We got my boy. He's white. He gonna bring it and if you don't boot it's nigga I'd say my worst my worst my worst Philly introduction ever from was from I Retweet that thing that I tweeted a guy named Buck the fuck wild dude. Who is it? His name was buck the fuck Wow, he just got a jail. fuck no he's been out of jail for like I know but he went to jail for a good five already knowing him so buck the fuck while brings me up in North Philly at a place called Royce Comfort Zone right across from Temple University sort of but it's just bad

it's bad my mom offered me to pay me the money I was gonna make there, to not go. What? Jesus. So she was gonna give you 60 bucks? It's like 50. Okay. It was, I meant it. It was the worst fucking timing of any joke I've ever said. So I waited three seconds too late,

and then I went, so she's gonna give you 60 bucks. I said 60, and then you fucking tried to back me up because you stink for 50. It's how much I was being paid. It's my first show away from a gig, but a buck wall brought me up. He goes, all right, we're gonna bring this first guy to the stage.

This is the blackest motherfucker I know. What's a Martin Luther King high school? Did you really go to Martin Luther King? No. He's like, Martin Luther King is black. The blackest motherfucker, and he goes, and he brought me up. Yeah.

And then I was mousycially talking. What is it? Mousy, mousycially. A mousy. Hey, y'all. Mousely, maybe mousely. I don't know. I'm just that guy.

Probably should've known you in one way, either one of those words. Softly. Talking into the microphone gently. Gently. Talking into the microphone. And they kept them like, they're like, we can't hear you.

And I talk a little bit louder, I go, now they go, nah, we can't hear you. And I a little bit louder. I go now they go nah we can't hear you and I go now can you hear me now and he was like yeah and I go so anyway he goes shut the fuck up and the microphone cut out and then I went I took the microphone back to the guy and the guy takes the microphone from me goes sorry but that man goes we'll get this microphone fixed up We'll get you right back out there and I went He goes yeah, and then when he went to and I didn't go back out and then he goes he's gonna pay me Jay sir is always fucking 30 minutes long. I go speed it up. That's all the guy's 50 dollars He was how much you say you were getting paid?

He told me $50. He goes, $50. He's up there for like a minute and a half and I go, yeah, he goes, he goes, you deserve $50 just for coming out this motherfucker. And then little kevlet say this, it's not, I, there was no back door, but I didn't wanna leave at the front.

So the guy kept telling me, the guy kept telling me there was no back door, but I keep kept seeing people go into this weird little door. Now, I guess the back door is being a dick. And I don't want to walk to the audience. So I walked out when I thought was the back door, it was a weird door that just put you in the wall between that and the restaurant next door. And I I crawled out of a hole into the

next door and escaped the walk out of the restaurant. Oh Jesus. I really wish you ended it fucking five minutes ago. You had me on the fucking yo shut the fuck up. You really are a storytelling jackass. His whole fucking conversation one time. I check it out real quick you guys. I got a couple, we get new sponsors and I

got to get them in. So I'm gonna get them in right the fuck now because I got to get them in the first half hour and first of all as a verse you gamble at all. I love it. You gamble? No I don't gamble. What about you Jay? No. Well we got a new sponsor, DraftKings.com fantasy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know why I didn't ask. Why? Because I'm used to fucking Kelly me in there.

And I'm used to ignoring that as section of the room. But why aren't you also giving a sponsor? Why you give us some kind of a feed like, like, you gamble it all? I'm giving it to you. Give the head not no, but you're just asking genuine. And we all said nothing. No, no. Oh, God versus said, yeah.

I gamble. Yeah, he gambles. I'm gonna gamble we all said nothing no Yeah, I gamble yeah, he gambles Yeah, I'm sorry I ignore that part of the room and I when I would drove you to Foxwoods or drove Lewis and come on 500 You went 500 after I left you inside I wasn't gonna gamble my back and gambles really Roulada hit two numbers back and back no shit. How much you put on the number? They would like seven eight box, but they pay like 33 times. 35 to one. 35 to one, yeah, that's crazy.

All right, so check it out, draftkings.com is kind of cool. It's different. It's not fantasy football for the whole season. It's fantasy football, and it's one day fantasy sports, which is great. One day games, means you never locked into a season. It's like a new season every single time you play. Pick your team in minutes and you could instantly be getting your share of the million bucks.

They're awarding a kick off week. I mean, that's a, yep, that's, that's, that's, I just started, I know. Cause Versus, he's looking at me like you wanna fight me. That's week one, this football season. They're giving away a million bucks. You understand? Week one, football season, a million away a million bucks you understand week one

football season a million bucks or draft kings is unbelievable draft draft kings is where anybody can enter a couple bucks and wing big cash this guy first day out first time playing a hundred thousand dollars that's pretty crazy so please go to draft kings dot com play free yes free you heard me free! That's free! At DraftKings.com, Enter Kelly with your first pay and get... Fuck me, first pay. I'm sorry guys, I fucked this up. Enter Kelly, I fucking stink! What's happening to you? I was way better yesterday. You know why?

Look, Enter Kelly, your first pay and game and get a free entry into the million dollar kickoff Bash seriously a free entry so they're gonna enter your name for nothing into the million dollars That's unbelievable. Okay, you could win thousands just playing fantasy football use Kelly at draft Kings dot com Draft Kings dot com. This is actually really fun because I get overwhelmed with that fucking stat shit And then you got to trade up and do all that bullshit. Set your line up and hate doing that. It's a fucking this you go in one day, sign up a few bucks, which is great enough to lose your house. It was a few bucks, though.

Does it say? I'll do this. Whatever you want, you can do it for different amounts. Yeah, cool. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, it's unbelievable. And if you go there, you can play for free. Play for free at draftkings.com. If you enter Kelly with your first pay game

and get a free entry into the million dollar kickoff. So your first one's free, you get a free entry. It's actually great. So enter Kelly, if you go there, Verzy. We also got NZIts, we'll do that later. We'll do that later. Halfway through. Anyways, back to the show.

So you asked me earlier about the whole thing. How big a dick is oh, sorry No, just the whole only don't like if it's like disingenuous Like if the person really isn't like that. I got grew up in group homes and stuff And I met white guys who are like blackers and I am even though I don't like that phrase blacker than I am But white guys who you'll be like all right, that's fucking black What do you mean blacker than you is I can't even imagine that what is blacker than you like fucking what is the Omar You walked down the street with a shotgun and people just throw their drugs out the window cuz they're so scared

What the fuck is blacker than you I don't like you not like the fuck is blacker than you i don't like you i'm not like to dissonally black he has a book me about me you know i'll be a fuck me about you is what bugs me about you we're having this you keep knocking my white gate i hate it no fuck it

you keep this will bug me about you were talking about you not liking people who are uh... black uh... white who act black but you are a black guy who acts like a fucking nerd. How do I recognize? You got a fucking thing too sure. You got fucking khakis on. You got a calculator watch.

Yeah, you have a cool, yeah, because you're fucking... I like it. You wear a backpack. You know what happened, Jay? And Versey, back me up on this. I think the black guys go at a meeting okay with Chris Rock and they all went look black ain't in right now okay nerds in so that Chris Rock said look I'm gonna I'm gonna sell a show but I

can't sell a show me I'm gonna go get I'm gonna I'm gonna go get a black nerd to do my show on FX what's his name come Oh, come on. Come on. Yeah, that's Chris Rock while Nerd is in, okay? And you guys all said, you're more nerd than I am, do you like the whole, how am I like the khakis? Because they match with the tan of my sneakers, boom, so does the watch.

That's why I did it. The watch matches with the trim and my sneakers. Is it cool? It's a coordination. Yeah, it's a difficult. Monroe's, it's not nerd, it's cool. It's not nerd, he's like lights. Yeah, it's not nerd, he's like the blind side kid. Someone, a white lady picked him up on the road of the rain.

Yeah, he's running up in the road. No, it's, I don't like that this khaki's a tight, too. It's just a not tight, I'm sitting down. No, they're tight. It's some way, no brother tight shit man that tight Shit Not everybody good where you used to be black. He's fucking white. What else? Percy what were you dogs and cats living together?

Fid row is like I had I had a Buddy of mine in it. I met no hyal actually one time named Kenny when I was like, no, I had a buddy of mine. I met Nohio actually one time named Kenny. When I was younger, he was like a just a big, huge black dude, like scary looking guy, but just like, just the most like, docile. Just so regularly. Some people just aren't just prone to become like the kids. I think I had a meeting and a bunch of them got together,

we got to get flannels, we got to get cookies shirts and Walmart. We got to get khakis, some goofy washes and get glasses, unique glasses, either a beard or glasses, and I'm not growing a beard because I'll get those bumps on my neck. So I'm gonna fucking get the glasses. I'm gonna row one to be gangster at some point. Really?

Yeah, everybody, you have the course. You a gangster? How are you gangster? I thought you'd go for a weed in high school for two weeks didn't work, because I gave it away for free. Why? What? Because I didn't know everybody, this would happen.

A lesbian named Crystal asked me if I wanted to make some money. I was like, sure, she was like, all right, sell these couple things a week. One, I don't suppose. It sounds like a blog. It's a lesbian, too. It sounds like a blog, a lesbian named Crystal. Our name was Crystal.

I thought, put on a calculator watch and a super tight khaki pair. They're not tight, they're fit it. So, really? you got those tailored? That's how they come. What do you fit it? What do you a 70 year old Italian man? You got to fit it for your Yeah, why don't you get a card to get you at all get a backup? Get a backup with all cement No, you don't even make it the rest of your argument. I like cardigans, which just means you're a nerd So you have to fight when I'm a fight both of you You know

Versailles Jersey not Jersey. He's in fucking Westchester. I don't care. Well, it's even right here You're fucking hammock in your backyard. I'm gonna discuss in race war right now. Go get on your fucking lawnmower. There you can ride. Yeah, let's do this. I really Wait, hang on one second. Wait a minute. Do not I'm fucking Let me just Pell through it to wait a when no, we're not bound to do anything. You're out of your mind

Slow to play. I'm glad it's bad dude. I just I was really stupid I just let you read my fucking let it my father in my shitty voice hold on. I know it's way worse I know who you listen to me. I want right now. I'll tell you. Is there anybody listening to this? Fuck yeah, we had a bunch of people on you. Yeah, okay, how many people on you stream? I gotta check it out. All right, thanks. People at Tweeten, that is... All right, here's a deal. If you, I'm gonna set this up. Jay, we gotta go back.

We gotta stop, okay? We gotta go back. How old are you at this time? How old are you in comedy? Am I wrote this? Yes. Were you a comedian? Yeah.

Do I need to say, listen, I need this documented into the fucking microphone. Yeah, no, I need yes I didn't hear yes. I was a comedy you're in comedy. How how You just fucking you million how many years and come this reaches so many more people than my father It's got to be this got to be six so first of all this is got to be like six months in a comedy a year in a comedy you did this right How many years now how many years a year in a comedy you did this right? How many years? Now. How many years? A year and a half? Two years. Two years you're in. How many years? I would do it almost 15. Yeah. And this was about 14 years and eight months in. This is not

that long, buddy. We're going back a few weeks Wait a minute I was joking, I said a fucking week ago, I was joking Wait a minute, listen to me, dude, are you fucking shitting me? This is a few weeks ago It was Did he respond at least? Like to know who you are? May 3rd

I just want I want Patrice to look at me. I want Patrice and Bill Murray to fucking just look at you It disapprovingly that's wow even though they're both facing that way. It looks like their eyes are both on me Yeah, cuz that's how you feel right now. So this is a couple months ago and I want to know something So you are you alone? Are you in the house? Are you on a train? Are you on a gig? Where are you alone on a gear? You're on a low J was reaching out actually can I was there way to see okay go on my if i go the calendar goes back with on i feel like a tell you where i was made heard jay was reaching out for help through facebook to a famous comic uh-huh uh-huh i hope this gets rid of the events i think it was on the road because it was okay so you're on the road is it after the first show is it after the show you're back in your room alone before the show before the show, you're back in your room alone. Before the show.

Before the show. Shit. Smoking. Smoking. Yeah. Yeah. Listening to dice, I think was on. So you listen to the dice.

Yeah. So you kind of have like a moment. You have in a moment. Yeah. Here's the thing. I get it. I get anything. I almost agree with a lot of bad things. You can say about ha. I get it. I get anything. I get anything.

I almost agree with a lot of bad things. You can say about Dice's comedy. Yeah, I love Dice. As a comic, me doing it for like years now and watching him. Yeah. But I have an affection for what he does because he, when I was a kid,

that's like I had the tapes. You know what I mean? I like Dice Man come with me and my step-pop would watch that video over, and that was like part of the thing I'd go to school. I mean, you don't have to explain, listen man, you don't have to fucking validate Dice on this show. I saw Dice in Vegas last year with Norman and Rogan

and Red Men. It was fucking incredible. His new hour, I was dying. Fucking dude, his new album was, it was jokes. He did the poems at the end. He was talking about this. He got to get romantic with the chicks. So I take it to an alley.

And I find it nice with a couple dumpsters. Then he goes, yeah, I always have in the back. I got the twist of game. Just the mat. Just the mat. And I throw it on the fucking ground. I kick your legs open and then I go my my dice impression really always lies in like just like saying the

exact formula of what it is he does what do you mean so I'm with because so I'm doing this gross thing I'm not supposed to be doing in a place it shouldn't be happening and it's also an inconvenient time for that thing. I'm over here now. But I say it's always like that, because I'm fist-fucking-this-chick, because you know what it's like when you're bored on Thanksgiving at her parents house. That's all, it's every joke is that. He's fucking, I love this.

I love, no, it's just chocolate. It's just a word. It's just a word, it's great, no, no it's all that there's nobody like him he is silhouetted fucking he is silhouetted and he is funny if you don't think dice is funny you're a fucking idiot you're a fucking idiot but if it makes sense like I see like you know like when I was young I was like pure brilliance and it's like almost like his brilliance isn't in the actual writing of what it is I don't know what he does and I heard his new movie with Woody out. I already is fantastic Yeah, I heard he's really I

You might be a nice brief. I got a comedy club a couple years ago And I'm still even doing comedy and many people's I've met and like amazing so you knew you met him before this better But I'm very pretty like you basically introduce himself like I'm gonna stand from the comedy club And I was like nice to meet you man.. I met him in Vegas for the first time. And Jim goes, this is Bobby Kelly, very funny comedian. And he's like, is he funny? And he was like, do you take a picture of them? I, but I'm not if he's, no, if he's not funny.

Are you funny? And I'm like, yeah, I'm real funny. All right, then get in here if you're funny. He's just that weird, like, is he not like me? No, he's just being an idiot, all right. Yeah. The nice impression is horrible. Mine. Oh, I'm fucking, I'm not oh, I'm fucking dumb. I want to be a Jackie Mason. Is he funny?

I don't take a picture unless it's funny. I Love you Jay One of the room that called me out I literally see in all your faces as I was doing it like I was They call me out. I literally see in all your faces as I was doing it like I was Scribe to my fingernails on the chalk is he funny? I was waiting for you to take it personal because I'm not good with shit like that What like if I went up to somebody regardless of their status and I was like and some like if if you walk in a room with someone Say hey man this guy, you know, yeah, take a picture with you And he was like and he was just like rude like that like I'm not good with like oh, I'll take it anyway and be a bitch Yeah, I know I know I know you're the guy who went from Monroe Martin wearing a fucking doctor

So sure all I said was he's dressed like that But he could probably looks like he you know, he's one of those nice guys who's got hidden rage I'll fucking smash him back I will listen to me. I will push whack out of a fight with him. I'm sorry Well, I didn't mean it as soon as it around, I'll fucking club him with Jay's arm. I'll push him down a flight of stairs. I will be all over you like fucking two fat lemurs. Oh, yeah.

Just fucking. Yeah, you don't want this hot mess. You don't want double trouble. Fatso on your fucking. I'll grab one leg. He'll grab the other. Fucking 900 pounds of dude rolling down to flight to step down Just ripping your khakis and your sneakers off. I'll fucking bite your leg those thighs are gonna explode Yeah, don't fucking kid yourself first. I know one on one I meet him in front of a fucking shitty comedy club uptown. I'm finished on this show trust me I'll meet him at the bar like peshy with a pen fucking

You know the incredible whole cast to get like you don't want like him when he's really angry Yeah, and he busts out of his pants. You just got to make Monroe like a little upset I know like just make him in his head if he goes to go Insolent split Yeah, I wouldn't want to piss this fucker off, but if I did, I'd have to. It's definitely some sneaky tactics. There's no square enough with this motherfucker. You want to go?

Let's fucking them, good. You fucking lead with the headbutt, man. That's not done enough. I first met him out scared of him. He's a 6.5 black guy. But I was the most scared of you. Yeah, but you're still 6'5. I'm more scared.

But I'm way bigger when y'all met you too. I'm more scared of this guy and way black. I'm more scared I'm scared of this guy. I don't know why you see you know some kind of martial arts No, because he looks like you eat to liver What you watch it? Yeah, you look at it. He doesn't fucking blink. That's the fear That's the fear that's the only fear black people whenever they're afraid of white He goes to a horror. It's literally what it's Yeah, black people are on this garrard of people in horror movies. It's yeah, I'll fucking come up with a mask That's all you have to do to black people to win is scare them but the same

I'm gonna fight you, I'll fight you in that haunted house. This clock's out, I'll fucking, I'll jump out of a closet and give this clock's out of our hot attack. I'll win any fight. Boo! Motherfucker! You're just just punching me in the stomach and jumping a pool. He ain't coming in there.

I can swim though. I'm bringing him to Rockefeller Center. I'm gonna throw it out your race by Terence Howard. I'm bringing him to Rockefeller Center and just run out on the ice. Come on, motherfucker. You see this wagging fist? I guess I don't fit any like, I could swim, I could ice skate. I thought you grew up in the system.

Yes, motherfucker, group homes. They take you swimming every summer. I didn't even fucking get it. They really do. Yeah, group homes. You're a good one. Literally group homes. If you were like and like if you and Mrs. Hannigan If you're in a group home you didn't more white shit than white people with canoeing horseback riding

Dude I went mountain. I learned how to be box coming down a mountain They used to take us hiking in the mountains and me and this black kid got lost coming down and he taught me how to be box It was five hours. We got lost Fuck you horrible that took me five hours. That's not bad. That was pretty good Come on you do it ready pretty good Whatever go with my beat ready beat that's the ready Ready It's gonna be a rat battle Now these two folks got diabetes all over the microphone Shit

Shit, but no but a blackie more afraid Did you ever watch do you watch like documentaries on Jeffrey Dahmer and shit? Fucking Mike thinks it tastes like sugar Do you ever watch like a documentary like Jeffrey Dahmer and shit like yeah, he looked at a really scary black neighborhood He's never got bothered current meds curger takes the train at any time of night to go anywhere to the shitty neighborhood. He lives in now and he goes he goes that's not so bad. No one ever bothers me. No one ever because he looks. Yeah, he does look fucking like second. And he nobody. Well, yeah, nobody wants to fucking wind up in his cooler.

Right. Exactly. But I don't think Chris gives that vibe off. But as he is there is the same every day. But it's beautiful. But don't you take gives that vibe off But as he is air is the same every day, but it's beautiful But don't you take that it's not a pretty cool thing that is in his cave. Hail. It's summertime He's fucking pasty because I can't fucking go. All right. You want to I don't tan because Skin cancer runs in the family. Oh, you're gonna make it real That's not real. I'm on her. I got I got real what the fuck who died in your family? How close on the fuck you

Everybody you see you lose a nose Hey, you got a fucking little a little scoop taking out of your cheek You can't know and ball at you. Yeah, you can't watch your mouth. You can't eat fucking potatoes out and look at your mom's face at the same time. You see your sinus is flapping and you're not going to get skin cancer. Honestly, I'm just two ways to go to the beach. I think I think I really you, what bugs me about you and I said it on the other show, you're the same color

Through and through from your head to your toes your lips are the same there isn't you up when you There's no pink when he bends his knuckles. It's just white like I don't think he's I think he's a vampire I don't think he's fucking of the living I think he drinks true blood blood at night and this cocksucker can fly and he drank fairy blood. That's why I can day walk It's a hard reference. No, it's fantastic, but I follow that right along and maybe there's a much a missing true blood All right, thank you very much. You fight that's why you're missing your mittens, too You know you'd fit right in at the fucking vampire bar. Oh, yeah, yeah, Jay Walk into a vampire bar and there would be vampires passing out like oh my god look at the food

I Watch true blood, but I'm the nerd Is some nerdy shit. That's gay. That's gay. We're gay. We're not We're not fucking you're out of your mind. This city's up with the same wallet, but you also like fairies and vampires So you know how good I am I'm going to do for the good of this podcast I'm gonna bring'm going to do for the good of this podcast. I'm going to bring us back to it. Yeah.

But I was able to fucking mind fuck this whole conversation. Yeah, but yeah, I know. Oh, can I say something? Remember when I said I'm a doer? You're out of your fucking mind. If you think for one second, he wasn't letting that go. I didn't drop an anchor at that point of the show. Yeah.

Oh, dude, I'm a don't we, don't, don't, don't, don't understand that my, I need to feel two hours here, okay? I drop anchors and I thought I'm right there, right? That uncomfortable spot when you said March or May, right there, there's a boat waiting to go back there. You're out of your fucking mind, but I like when Verzy started to snap, there's nothing better to me when Versi gets fucking angry This cock sucker is on the verge of fucking beating the fuck out of women children

Yeah, say he's getting mad at me for saying that. You saw that because with the waitress and Montreal was really fucking upset at me And all of a sudden you sat back you start left you go. I like this side of you But what she did was unacceptable and he was doing again. Oh, we're sitting there I'm trying to fucking enjoy my eggs with this guy. We're sitting there. We're eating breakfast and she really talk Completely tired. She was late. I don't enjoy my eggs. Well, he is a guy. We're having a great conversation Yeah, we're eating fucking eggs Ben addicted least these been this is whole life unlike you you're fucking hip hopper I'm a chameleon you are really you've been three different people since I met you You have what I possess the skills of adaptation you're welcome blend anywhere now

But remember we saw her and she was fucking she was going like she was horrible She never came back to us. We were asking for the we were without drinks for like a good five ten minutes So I'm like what the fuck why you know and then he starts laughing and then we see her giggling She's like talking to her friend. Yeah, she came over She you know no wait just comes over and she could give a fuck about you like like the the smile is just It's almost like it's it's fucking she's patronizing It's like every service person in Montreal by the way. I don't know there were a couple sweet hearts There's a couple massage pop. There's a couple massage polos that are really

Fucking sweet hearts you walk in that nice, but it was like don't smile at me If I know you blatantly just want us out and then she kept rushing us so she's going you guys you guys need anything else and we weren't even done You know, so I was like this is fucking I started to get really mad. That's what happened I there's certain things man like you know, I feel like I've no I just I feel like I'm a I feel like I'm a nice dude You know, but I feel like when something happens where somebody's blatantly fucking you're fucking you're Dylan when you're fucking Patrick's Wazey It's nice one time not to be nice Hey nice, it was just you know until it's time not to be nice You're the guy who's nice and then all of a sudden don't be nice. I gotta see a question

Please ask me a question, but don't you know point to me like you're the mob boss and I might have fucking stole from me. I was thinking about a story with you. What the fuck, pervert? Damn, you asked me a question. This can't five minutes without a fucking beverage. I was, I got shows, my fucking throat, I need to liquefy it. I need to have liquef, liquefification down my throat. I'm gonna dry up and not be able to be You gave me shit. I told you you could have saved 65 hours with the fucking Tazzot and some and some honey So listen, so listen I was thinking about something with you and and I was wondering how because I'm not good with letting things go You know, I think all comedians. We always remember who's great to us But we especially remember people that were shitty to us

It's something that just sticks with us. We're very prideful with sensitive, you know, and shit. So The thing with Seinfeld when he said no, not you yeah, not you Yeah, not you I was thinking about that today. I was just in the house and I was like I wonder how like a Have you ever had a conversation with him about that afterwards or have you always been upset with that? I'll tell you why I accepted it and this is you give me a brief No, not you don't know what not you is oh, Jesus. Oh, it's a great story for an over a okay, well Basically turn the camera just a hair to because it's off. Verzy Not you um basically

Yeah, take the water is the normal waters in the fridge Yeah, there's a water right there. Yeah, grab a while. Yeah, the fridge is for everybody grab whatever you want Those are from the fans. That's that's a go the fans. Yeah, grab a little fridges for everybody. You guys grab whatever you want. Those are from the fans. That's the fans and from no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Okay, so here's the deal, you just tuck in a little bit more. Well, sit there. All right, so all the, look, my fans know this story, but I'll tell it again for the people that don't, which I don't know if there's anybody who doesn't know this.

I, I did this, he was here doing a comedian. I'm not the guy who likes to, like Danny, Danny LeBelel the other day. He, Dan Cook was at the improv. He walked up to Dan Cook and used me, my friendship, which is, you know, I love Danny, but we don't fucking hang out every day. I've never bought him a Christmas present.

He doesn't know what my birthday is. I didn't get a gift from my kid from him. Do you know what I mean? We're friends, but we're not best friends. We walk up to another great friend of mine and go, I'm friends with Bobby Kelly. He walked up to Dan and goes, I'm friends with Bobby Kelly.

So Dan was like, oh shit, okay, sit down. Then he realized that he's not really that great friends. And then he's just uncomfortable to be around because he's big, his hair is the same length as his beard. So he looks like a monkey boy, he looks like that fucking freak show, fucking hairy boy. And they just shaved his eyes out so he can, he looked normal in public cell. So circus self-American wear wolf boys. Exactly, a wear wolf boy.

So, so Dane, you know, winds up, you know, whatever. Tom, look, we're gonna, we need some time. So just back off. We're gonna talk personal. Anyways, I'm not that guy. I only meet guys and organically I am my head. I'm not gonna try to get in his movie. I don't like to be that guy. If you put me in, if I'm in, if he asked me a question, fine. So one night we're all talking and we're doing this thing with the hockey and he's there with his producers and camera guys And I say that Wayne Gretzky was not on was on the winning team of the Rangers or something like that

And I go I'll bet you guys a dollar that this is true And I was there that I okay you were there. Okay, so you were one of the bets I took Seinfeld goes I'll take some of that action and I go good. I got you. I got you, I'll take some of that action, and I go, good, I got you, I got you, I got a doll of you, right? All right, great, you tell me. All right, and so I leave, I go on the road, I get, go to this, do this fucking gig in Buffalo, I got a higher guy to pick me up.

Okay, this guy shows up in a fucking van with the captain chairs and a TV. He's nuts, he's got every Seinfeld's felt episode in the world on tape and that's all he does is pick people up and listen to them he has headphones and he drives around listening to sign felt episodes so I'm in the back with headphones yeah listen listen then he finds out I'm a comic he flips out you know Jerry you know Jerry I just met him the night before man actually I just met him last night he was at the same oh he oh, wait, he starts calling me Jerry. He's like, Jerry, I'm just a big family.

I'm Bobby. I know, I just love Jerry. Well, weird. We got to go to this gig, OK? I'm hours early, so I take this guy to lunch at this restaurant. We're sitting down, he's telling me about how much he loves, but he's still called Jerry. And I'm like, Bob, he's like, oh, I'm sorry.

We have lunch. We go to the gig in the van. He pulls up it's the worst gig ever done it's outside in the afternoon in the rain after a fucking metal band okay uh... at a beer fest next to a skydiving simulator the worst combination just me just me That is the worst combination. Just me. Just me.

There's nobody. Oh, you can't even talk to anybody. There's nobody else. Everybody's fucking trash. The band's up there. The tent that they're under is around maybe 20 yards away from another tent that everybody else is under because it's raining.

So they can't even, I have to duck down. The band brings me up. I'm ducking down under the tent so they can see me because everybody's under the other It's the worst. This guy at the end of the kid. He pulls up like the fucking A team with the van, spins up, grabs me, grabs the check out of the kids' hand, throws me in the back, takes me to the airport. I'm gone. Is there any way, if there's anything you please,

just maybe get me a sign photo, a Gerry, or just tell him about me, I'm absolutely right. What a story. What a fucking story. him about me. I'm absolutely right what a story What a fucking story? I'm thinking I'm a fan of sees that Jerry's gonna bring back The show for one last episode this crazy episode called fan favorite us. I don't know right I'm literally in my head thinking this I can't wait to get the seller. I get back. He's there. I look on the monitor. He's on I go down see as I'm waiting by the door seller. I get back, he's there. I look on the monitor, he's on. I go downstairs and waitin' by the door for him to get off, right?

I'm goin' on right after him. He comes off, crowd of people, stack down the bottom of the stairs. He comes off, I have his dollar. I go, you won the bet. He looks at me and he goes, and he goes to take it. And I go, but I got a story for you first. And grabs the buck he goes you want your buck back and I'm like whatever I don't have to tell you the story alright whatever so he walks up a couple stairs he

turns around he goes listen to me I'm gonna be up in the corner having some food so when you're done come up we'll have some food we'll talk and we'll go over everything you know and I'm like dude absolutely I go I got a story for you Having some food so when you're done come up. We'll have some food. We'll talk and we'll go over everything You know, and I'm like dude absolutely I go I got a story for you brother I was in Buffalo the craziest gig ever you're gonna love this. I'll do my spot. He goes not you Talking to the lady next to me His public is and she's just everybody's there everybody His public is she's just everybody's there everybody

The whole room shuts down. I think the comic on stage heard it because I couldn't was a party He stopped dude, and then he just then he just walks up and the lady looks at me like sorry And I was like oh that's the name of my company now not you ink That's the name of my company on my amx my am yeah my am x is not you Hank and everybody reads it But and then when I hit what's the story and I'm not telling it, but that's the story You went from shitty you didn't hold it against them did you know why I didn't here's the deal I told I was so fucking mad. I was a verzy mad Fucking stop fucking you not you not you You think you just ate it?

I was so mad. I said yeah, I fucking ate it. I was so mad, I said, yeah, I fucking ate it. I had to go home. I couldn't go back upstairs. Oh, jeez. I couldn't walk up the stairs because I was like, what the fuck? I remember going, going, going, and this is what makes me not mad at him. He goes, yeah, he's laughing hysterically. He's fucking loosies like fucking, I know.

He goes, that's him. He goes, I'm like, that cock suck up becomes fam, and he goes, Bobby, it's fucking loser. He's like fucking I know he goes that's him. He goes I'm like that clock Soca becomes fam and he goes Bobby. It's not fame. It's not it's not because he's been like that I heard he was like that when he was that's just him He's just that guy and I was like, you know what? All right, I'm fine with that if that's who you are That's who you are if you became that because you got money and you treat people like shit now, you're a fucking shallow asshole. At one point in your life, you were really nice and really cordial and you, hey, hey, and then you became famous and got a lot of money and started treating people like shit. You deserve a fucking special place in hell to burn for eternity because you're a shit person. But if that's who you are, if you were a dick

when you weren't funny and you had no money and you were just a shit dick comic, I got to respect that in a way. So that's why I was never mad at them. I don't really get to work. He walked, when he walked by the table, I was sitting with Keith and I just got back. I think I did maybe one of the first times

ever I got on stage to stay up in New York. I mean, this is, we were young when that comedian thing was happening in comedy. And he asked me to see he walked by and Keith goes, so what you do, not young fella. I remember going to go, I got to get on stage over to Stam New York and he was just behind me.

He went, ooh, which is weird. We were taking like, it wasn't even like to him and I was like, but for a second I was like, I don't need anything. And I'm kinda like, oh wait, he's just kinda being me.

That's, he really is, dude. He's a fucking, that's just them. I'm gonna like wait. He's just gonna be in me. He really is dude. He's a fucking that's just him So now before we go into your story that was my long fucking story Now we're gonna get into your story. But before we do no not verzy. We're gonna get in the verzy too I want to get it. I gotta do answer. You want to do it? You're not you can't read right? Okay? You're in those fucking homes Want to get it frozen I gotta do answer you want to do it? You're not you can't read right okay? You're in those fucking house. You say Massa Not how you say it the public school first of all get over the whole slavery thing okay? There's a black president. No fuck it. I don't care. It's really black. You're new you ain't want to calculate or watch Yeah, yeah, at least he smokes

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How's that? Maybe you walking around naked all the time, I'm used to your tits. Maybe you stop fucking shit in front of me. won't fucking I can get it up again I gotta go to the bathroom too I don't want to know but in case I don't live I don't want to see a little brown fucking line take care of business oh dude that is so worst that's the worst one man yeah you're wondering why you chick leaves a streaker just out of the ball just a nugget and you can't piss it off. That's the worst. It's

like it's made of like like the fucking Aztec houses. It's like fucking piss it off. Don't be hot fucking shit. That's stuck and I got a fucking scrape it up with a fork. I got to I got to drain the toilet fucking scrape it up with a fork. I gotta drain the toilet, fucking scrape it, and then wet it again. I just dab it. I actually put a big, a big ol' fucking whad a toilet paper on it, and then flush by kinda holding the toilet paper in place to make it swipe along. You know what I do?

I just shit on. You don't have a brush? I shit on the seat, and I leave that for her. Now we're even. Fucking wiped out, it's always black tar heroin too. It's like she hasn't shit in seven weeks and it finally came out and it just fucking it just it just fucking hit that. You know I made a sound like when I hit the toilet.

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All right, thank you for the sponsors. We love all the sponsors. We have another one too. What is it? Who is that? Hulu plus, right? Where is that? You got it?

I'm getting it on my ass. When you get it, bring it up. We're going to read it. You're going to read it. How's that? Do you think you got it, Enya? I got it in me. Really?

You think you do a good job? Of course. Huh? A fucking pale psychopath. Is he pale? Is it me? I'm looking around the room. I see different.

You fucking white-lipped lunatic What are you wearing are you wearing sunblock now? Do you have sunblock on all day? White you're just in my dad too. My dad is talking on the mic you fucking my dad is so fucking dark like when he goes to real ribion They think he's a terrorist. He has a beard. So they stop him. He's he's a hundred percent Italian. Are you your a hundred percent Italian? He is on what are you 50% Irish? He's an Italian. I'm half and half to what are you versus? I'm half Sicilian half Sicilian half what Greek? What the fuck is Sicilian? I'm Sicilian too. Why do you gotta be specific a lot of Italians? Don't get you know they get pissed off at each other It's kind of like the Puerto Rican Dominican thing

oh I know you're an American yeah please please Jay um years and years ago the wars yeah invaded and then yeah you're great grandmother yeah this guy this guy just a field thanks for thanks for saving me before I just say it yeah, I know Thing to great shirt. We made him wear that shirt Yeah, I know that's what he's trying to be trying to be a fucking a five-year-old white boy in the country That's all just like the sir. No, I don't like that you're trying to get it Thing this thing. I don't understand your dress like a black dude now the most black men It's like he looks like he looks like this. You look like Joe to Rosa army. No Joe has no shoulders

No, but you know what? I'm the showbiz, but Joe, we're in the black dudes under 30. I like this. We don't do the baggy pants, everything matches, and we like shit. We like. No, you know, we don't right watch an NBA post game. Yeah, they got. Fucking skinny jeans and the new black. Yeah, stops wearing first of all. Sorry, sorry. I'm really happy to be here. Thanks for lying. Hang on right now We're gonna we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna come back with the story of Big J. Ocasin the actual

Note or letter or love note or reaching out to Andrew dice clad it's a whole pair you did you see in it and we're gonna have right now We're gonna have Chris the new intern Kelly Fistilka Actually read his first act happened to Kelly. She's an Australia right now. Oh, yeah, all right, so hang on one second you guys This is you're ready Chris black. Yeah, I got to read it from my iPhone. Oh good. Do you think? Go ahead read it from your iPhone. Why won't you read a free me a tablet because I can't get into that right now Some reason why not I don't know. It's not popping up all right. Go ahead read a free

Your I'm getting married on May Can you that's that? Come on You believe I actually I found it six years later and I thought there would be a response I'm in bed. It's three in the morning my My son. My son Maximus is in the bed. Kuh in a car. My wife's next to me. I'm married. I'm moving into the country. I'm getting my own house up in Westchester, not as far as Verzy because that's too far. Fucking hell, I did.

I'm moving up. I'm moving up here, but not that far. It's that far. I did it the other day, Verzy. No, no, no, you're right. I'm an hour. You're gonna go 40, right? It's more than an hour, Verzy. No, no, no, no, no. No, it is. Ver sorry. No, no, no, you're right. I'm an hour. You're going to go 40, right? It's more than an hour, verse. No, no, no, no. No, it is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I fucking meet with me and David Kimmelwood's weed.

What is it called? With GPS. It's an hour and two. How long does it take you from a now? 35, 40. Show me right now on a map from right here on your phone. Pull it up. You got an iPhone?

I've done it from the stand. Do you have it? It's four feet away. It's three feet away. Okay, one, two. It was I have done it from the stand do you have it? It's for it away. Okay, it was an hour and two from this Dude from right here. Do it right here. I don't have it on my phone. Yeah, then you can do it because you have maps Type your address into maps and hit then hit get directions to current location I love that he just fucking pretend like he didn't not use his maps. No, I don't have maps on here Here look show him this I don't have maps. It comes with it stock. You can't erase it. Yeah, do I have it? What? No, no, I mean if I got it scroll through. I don't think I have maps

Not on there, right? I didn't bring it. Sorry, buddy. Yeah That's all right, buddy. Can you bring it up on your phone? I don't have maps on the forest here Are you ready? Yeah, what would it read it? Are you gonna do it? I read it. Are you guys ready for this first read? Do you I want to take I want to take before you do the map you can do the maps at the time. Okay, you can multitask if if if if You don't give it to me. He has it. No, he doesn't he didn't download it. I have maps. I mean I don't download it. He just got rid of He has it. No, he doesn't he didn't download it. I have maps. I mean I don't download it. He just got rid of it Now I had a problem with that thing man. I can't even like this Who you with certain apps? He worked this crazy. It's it's in reference. It's right here. You fucking sure Where it's right here? You know

So I ran out of stories first of all fuck you fuck you and go fuck you, Virzy All right, this is why I hate people like technology wise, who just a dumb to be dumb, okay? I bow just like, the first ten minutes of the show, you can't, to be able to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. He's got it right here. It's in the fucking folder, right there. They don't want to open up the folder. Yeah, it's right here. It's in the fucking folder.

I'm taking it out of the folder. Yeah, he has weather and all that shit in references. Yeah, you have maps. Now you have maps, dude. Verzy. Yeah. You have maps on your front page. I'll give that back to him.

Okay, thanks. All right, how long is it? Here, says it right there. On the bottom. Oh, come on, give me the phone. Give me the phone him. Okay, thanks. All right, how long is it? Here, it says it right there. On the bottom? Oh, God, give me the phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

It's fucking stupid. It's not, it's gonna save under an hour and 10 a bit. Remember the phone. One, you got walking. That's an hour. You're walking. It is 18 hours walking. Is it?

18 hours. So there's an hour and 19. That's an hour and 20. Fuck you. From here. That's technically fucking that's an hour and a half. It was that's that's no traffic every that's technically if you went from here to here with no lights that's how much it is. So that's an hour and a half. I'm telling you I did it I got to stand up New York in 58 minutes. How long did they get here today?

Well, today I was in rush hour. I was fucking nightmare. All right, so anyways, Chris, go ahead, read the read the ad. I'm sure you. And right after this ad, sorry, Chris. I had to throw a fucking screw ball at you. Just do it for you. Right at you.

Ready to go. So I thought, I should have a fucking pump. I held it off, though. I'm good. Yeah, you'll be here. Right after this, we're getting into the J Big J story. Get off the phone, you fucking assholes. You're on camera, people are texting.

And I'm texting them. All right, ready, let's go. I'm sure you've tried Hulu.com. I haven't. But I want to try you, but I'm gonna have. I mean, I have. I have. I've tried Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of it shows. Anytime, anywhere. Streaming on your TV or on the go with your smart. I want to do it in the fucking mic, too All right, okay, there you go. Why stand in line? See how much better that time had a train and stare your feet You could be watching your favorite shows and Hulu plus Hulu plus is a great way to binge watch your favorite shows Do you ever binge watch any shows Jay? Yes, I have I love it. I love watching True Blood you did. Oh you're just joking. He's making fun of us. Oh you're making us we watch True Blood. Fanfars and whale wolves.

Yeah. Long. Gay. It's fucking cool. It's your 13 year old shit. It's fucking awful. It's a lot of highlights here. I can't wear it in a shirt but you. There's a lot of tits in it. Constantly. It's pretty easy. They fucking feed each time. All the talk so I can see porn they go down on each other Yeah, my scars guard shows his cock. Yeah, does he I missed that one. Did you really I'm sorry? I'm sorry does you get excited over that? I on a white sandy beach. Yeah Here it was Here's a deal vampires are fucking great and with with Here's a deal, vampires are fucking great. And with Hulu Plus, you can catch up on all your episodes.

You can binge watch thousands of shows and movies, writing your fingertips on everything, right? I'm gonna do that for Breaking Bad. Once Breaking Bad's over, I'm just gonna go right into it. And it's not just on your computer, which was annoying, especially when iPads came out on your phone, The future is here. You can watch a fucking movie on your phone on a pillow.

You can watch 16 hours of TV and a fucking holiday and express on a pillow. Next to you, get a phone call, text message, send a picture, you dick, on the same device, on your pillow. Thank you Steve Jobs. Crazy, go ahead. Hulu Plus is only $7.99 a month. That's $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch. Catch up on current shows, binge on old favorites

or catch a great movie. You can do it all in Hulu Plus. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus for a couple weeks free on Bobby. Now maybe. When you go to hulu plus for a couple weeks free on bobby now maybe when you go to hulu plus dot com forward slash tade or just one that's what that's what do you do it is that do you do it is dude dude yeah but go ahead or just go to or just go to and click the hulu plus logo go to the website and click the hulu plus logo please make sure you use hulu plus dot com, forward slash dude, so you can get an extended free trial.

And so they know that we sent you. Yeah, we need, this is the thing with all these. The reason why you give your codes, dude or Kelly or smilingbub.com, that's though they know that you came from the YKWD podcast. So if you're gonna use any of these sponsors which we love when you do, and you know, Draft Kings, you guys fucking killed it last month, that's good for us because

they want to stay with us and throw us some cash and that's how we get to get these cameras and all the shit and we got them coming up the YKWD live for the New York comedy festival at the village underground. November 6th, I'm pre-announcing that now, and then we have the riot cast live comedy show, Voss McFarlane, Stat Miller, Florentine Quinn, myself. It's a fucking killer lineup over at the same night, right after the YKWD show,

for a cheap ticket price for the New York comedy festival. So we're gonna take over the village on the ground comedy seller. November 6th, tickets are available very soon when you see him grab him, because it's not a big venue, it's not carolines, it's not gotham, there's a couple hundred tickets for each show, so get him, buy him all,

as soon as you see him, that's coming up too. So I wanna thank you guys for supporting our sponsors. Suéñez con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de post-grato en el extranjero de la Fundación La Caixa, puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate a tu beca en fundación la caixa.org working off the cuff comedy, you know, that's a great room for it too. I tell you, I gotta give you credit, I really can't stand you, but I gotta give you credit and I'm kidding. I'm gonna suck good dick for a second. When I tell, when we did the story, Stella, show the other last week for Ari Schaffer

at the Village Underground, unbelievable venue for these type of shows too, by the way. It really is great. Fucking great, the crowd was great, but you and. But you went up and helped Kurt with his story. It was fucking genius. It was hilarious. I was dying. Because you know how to tell a story dude. You know how to fucking go with the flow.

And you just, you peppered it in right where it is. If it wasn't for him he would have fucking. Yeah, I was there for it. It was good. Yeah. While we're jerking J. I'm just gonna and listen I can you actually jerk him off while we're telling but I told you this and and you know I don't want I know sometimes comedians gets a compliment but I think dude I said this if you if you big J is out doing a show that I don't think there's

any any better comedian in the country with crowd work period dude oh fucking no it's a it's a wrap it's a fucking and that that um because that what's it called that that pulper vans a show is it um set list dude when i went into the stand in the set list and it's just like something pops up and i'm sitting there and i'm watching a places crowded and the thing that came up was street performer cemetery and i'm looking at jay and i'm going all right mother fucker let's i got to see what you're gonna pull here and and that fucking break dance And thing with the linoleum thing and I was just like this guy's the fucking best at it. So there you go

Yeah, he's not joking. I'm off unbelievable a crowd Now let's just stop jokes mediocre his joke Written craft his craft stinks at it, but he can do which get that shirt unbelievable He'll go off on a table how long you've been married where you from anyway close-up we were swathe we were like always on guard so we started

getting like on the back to the black clubs again how did you go from uh... black comic to uh... to the j i know the dude from Philly, to this fucking, this gothic, is it gothic? I just shut up dude, you gothic, you were gothic for a minute.

You're not, you're rockin' roll now, but you were fuckin' hot topics for a little while. You got a little hot topic. The Mittens, brother, I, listen. I'll wear those Mittens right here in the center. I understand, and I'm fine fine. I'm good with them But the mittens dude, I don't mind the tats. I don't mind the chains the fucking airings that nose ring the chain wallet You being way too fat to wear any of this

But dude the mittens just I know your hands were hot. It just hold on the microphone. It just, it was too much. And I'm glad you gave them mittens up for the summer. At least for the summer. Just took them off on day, man. I spoke away from it. So here you are, where I need to know,

you're in a hotel room before a show. Before a show. And you're stoned. And you're feeling a little fucking vulnerable, maybe a little emotional, maybe a little, hey man, this guy meant something to me. This is pretty wild, I'm really,

and I feel like in the business where I'm at, maybe he should maybe probably know who I am or at least heard of me, or maybe, ah, that's that guy or something. I'm gonna reach out. I'm gonna reach out to a fellow, not dice, dice, but a fellow comedian, and let him know. Let him know how I feel. Okay, so please, give me a read, and I want you to read it in your voice

if you were doing you hello So everybody home, please tune turn the volume up get into a quiet place pull the car over to the side of the road of the truck Like I'm ready like I'm in growth. Yeah If you're gonna you gotta stop coming up on your train Just miss it because we're we want to we want to I want to hear we got to get we want to hear what Jay had to say to Andrew dice clay his his mentor his Is What would you call him my inspirado?

No, Ansper did you write that down? No, of course you didn't what would you do? Listen, you have a job to do too. You remember that, right? Just because you're funny, then Kelly doesn't mean you get to fucking not do that shit Kelly does. We need a girl on the show too, by the way. Alright, here we go. Ready? And ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to YKWD podcast. Sometimes we're funny. We bust each other's balls. We have a lot of fun. But sometimes we get deep. Sometimes we get to the core of it.

Sometimes we wanna go, and I know some of you don't like it. I know some of you don't like it when we go deep. I know some of you out there like, can't just be funny, dude. Why do you get so emotional? We do this, because we have to do this. So if that's you, you don't like this shit, turn it off right now.

But if you wanna hear what life is about is about what we're about how we really think You know the other side of us, you know, because you know what I always say there's not comedy. There's only tragedy and When you peel the showbiz away when you peel the showbiz array. This way you got big J's letter tell room letter stone Let it to alone This is where you got big J's, letter. Tell room. Letter. Stone. Letter to. Alone. Androids Clay. Eating food, I probably shouldn't be eating. We didn't need to say that.

We got that. You should've just food. And we knew you shouldn't have been eating this. I'm shot. I've been losing weight. I'm losing weight. Shhh. Am I going to lie?

As I read it again? As I read it back? Yeah. It's a little shy out of a cannon I'll give you that all right let's go there's the first the first word I want you to understand I'm not leaving at a cell mutation these are the first words I say please talk of the microphone we should be working together what why, Dill's taught me there.

Let me roll. So, let's go. I got it. We should be working together. Dot, dot, dot, asked Norton, Arty, Eleanor, and a tell about me. Who the fuck is Eleanor? It's like his wife. All he has to do is say, yeah, yeah, who works with it?

I need to do it as one piece. I'm going to start over. I got it. There's a, there's a young man, Big J. Ogerson, and his letter. They were picking apart. I don't talk in front of my intro because as you ca fucking that up Ladies young and big J. Olgerson and his letter to dice We should be working together dot dot dot ask Norton Arty Eleanor and a tell about me dice man come with changed comedy for me dot dot dot

It's why I want to shoot my comedy central hour at the TLA in Philly What the fuck how many ellipses let him go? Let him go we met briefly in New York City once in a comedy club. I remember I wish this message didn't sound so much like I'm a really shitty young new comic because I'm not just a long-time fan and fellow comic. He's just a shitty old comic shitty old comic. Shitty old comic. Here's the best, well, I waited and let's see. Got to reply back 28 minutes later. Okay, what did I say? This is Dice's assistant updating his profile. Dice only checks his post on his fan page Wait, that's all it said that's it that's not all it's a Yeah, no, that's a link to his fan page. Oh Did you right back? Oh nothing man. I just ate it I was about to lie to you not on purpose, but I'm like you got something else double check this no

There's no other information. Yeah, it's just at that point. I believe and you can attest to this Yeah, you can attest to this what I did was then I copied and pasted it to Yeah, you can test this. What I did was then I copied and pasted it to fan page fan page. Why can't I come up with the one? Let me find the one on the fan page. But am I I believe I did this? I believe I said it. I have the words together. Right here. Yeah. The official fan. Yes, I reset. That's what I did my instinct, Bobby. Yes, to send the word that lady directed me. Nothing back. Nothing. Never a word back from dice clay ever, but can we I want to please I want to get I want to get this to Andrew dice clay dot dot dot.

If there's anybody out there that knows Andrew dot dot dot I want to fuck you you shitty grammar that's it that's you know somebody stinks at grandma when they had dot dot dot dot dot dot when you saw a response so quick dude I saw the little one over the picture yeah and the one over it and I was like yeah I guess here's my first date on the tour cut to this cock suck. I open it for dice all over the country next year because he somebody sends this to him. Oh, that would make me fucking sick to my stomach.

This one will never get to him. I don't think that it was that bad. Like I did so abrupt. I'll tell you why it's bad. This is why it's bad. He just comes out of the gate with we should be working together. Yeah, like first of all, you've never met him you don't know yeah and then he uses we

did meet one time in New York City you didn't fucking meet Jay meeting his fucking having coffee okay and having a chat and knowing a little bit of say if I walked you past him in a room he wouldn't goay oh big fat jay i can't believe it's jay look who is here we met briefly one time outside of the new york homie couple did we not uh... you probably should have started with the the thing changed your his album changed your

probably a part of your story and then ask all these people yet or maybe hey dice yeah hey my name is very like a summer camp only like And then and then ask all these people yeah, or maybe hey dice Hey, hey, my name is like it seems for like summer camp only like we should be working together I'll call these people you're good. I'm good. I'm not bad. Don't think I'm bad stupid Yeah, I know it sounds like I'm stupid I know it sounds weird and you might think I'm fucking crazy cool. I'm just being cool Yeah, it sounds like the M&M song stands like we should be together That's it your Stan your fucking stand

It should kill yourself. I'm gonna break you don't ever write your fans back Oh my god you stay give her anybody huh? I wrote Patrick you went on I was in fifth grade and he never rolled me back why will you expecting it's a fucking fifth grade a right in a letter to his he one of his fucking sports heroes he would open up the letter when I but I don't know what you can barely read what does well reading that letter is still on Patrick Ewing's to-do list. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking good. Where the bobbin is, learn to read. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh shit. Right below it is fucking white chick. Oh. I got a, oh could you, oh boo. You ever read anybody a letter? Never. I write emails. I've no, I used to write, okay, I used to write letters

when I was in Juvegell. Denise Contino. This centaion brought from outside of Philly, Ben Salam, you know what Ben Salam is? Yeah, Brooklyn brought, uh, transplanted out there, her and a mom, uh, to the burbs, to the cul-de-sacs where every house is the same. I live there for a minute, for like a year. The first week there, I broke a kid's arm.

I had the whole football team after me. And the wrestling team, his brother, his both his brothers, like the Von Erichs. They fucking, it's fucking awful. And I did it totally, you know, I, thank you, but I wish, I wish the same results to the family too, cocksackers. They, they fucking, oh my God. I, we were, the kid was looking, I don't know, it was my fault. I was just a punk from Boston. I was nervous. I was in a new town. This kid was looking at me like an asshole.

I just kind of grabbed him and threw him by his arm and it broke. And all of a sudden, I look up on the hill like the outsiders. And it was like fucking seven dudes with no shirts leather belts Just you know vauneric hair. Oh my god. They come running down the hill. I had a Fucking thank God this Denise Contino chick was there her mother pulled up and we jumped in the car And I was like go go go go go and they love me because I was so Brooklyn. Oh my god

He's so you have people wanting to be Jeff already My girl dice and then Yeah, I used to write her. She used to write me every day in juby jail great letters send me sneakers love you I would write back. I love you too. I used to she used to spray the perfume on the Oh right back I love you too and I used to, she used to spray the perfume on the owner. Oh God, it's been, oh, fuck the fuck are you thinking? I got out of jail, I don't need the fucking broad anymore. Was there some candy? When fuck the chick locally, I think I was on the back.

She was hot back then. Yeah. But you know, she used to wear, she had, that was Madonna came out, she used to dress exactly like Madonna. But we never fucked. I was, I was, I was, you're in the bed boy.

I was 14, I was 14. She was 13. I remember I used to try to stick it in. I remember a pussy we get wet, but it was too, my dick was not big, but it was just too big for that. Tight 13 year old pussy, you know what I mean? So I used to stick it in, wait, wait, and then I used to get paranoid

because I was like, oh my God, I'm gonna get this broad pregnant and I'm gonna be fucking stuck. I'm just gonna be stuck. And her mother used to take photo. I put a photo up on my Facebook with me with a mesh half shirt, tight jeans and a hard hat. Her mother used to take photos of me. Like, do photo shoots. Like, yeah, there's a photo on my- Like, perverted? Like, she's like-

Well, I guess that- That bicycle peed on different strokes. Yeah, my mother with a lovely well if you look on the wall, it's all team beat photos of Matt Dillon and Scott Bayo and then you in a fucking hard hat. Yeah, short-ging shorts. A mesh shirt. We lived in China. China bring that up, but you can't right? Yeah, dude, it was she used to get yeah, her mom, I think, you know, she was, I remember she brought me

to Brooklyn, well, go into Brooklyn, Bobby, you know, and they took me, we're going to the flea mock, it's that way you buy jewelry, you don't buy it at the jewel as you buy it at the, because you get it discounted. She went and brought a diamond ankle bracelet for her, for me, to give to her. And I remember, I felt like shit, in front of a whole family at this dinner Go give it to a go give it to and I'd walk at the end of the table and open this fucking thousand dollar anklit

I was 14 I just got out of a juby jail I had if I never knickled to my lame this broad was feeding me fucking you know dumplings and fucking hot pockets I was happy and I'm sitting there here and fucking hot pockets. I was happy. And I'm sitting there here and she, everybody cry, oh my gosh, she's crying. She knew too the fucking weird chick. She had to put it on her ankle. It was just a fucking, man, I was an awkward scene dude.

I got out of it. And my, her mother bought me clothes. My mother didn't have money. She never bought me shit. So she bought me sneakers and shit. My mother fucking flipped out. Came, I brought the me shit. So she bought me sneakers and shit. My mother fucking flipped out, came, I brought the sneakers back, you don't buy my son shit. I'd buy my kid stuff.

I was so mad, there was something, oh, they'll fucking gray. The re-box with the two Velcro flaps. You know what I'll fuck? Remember those? Yeah, physical, physical. I won't get physical. Those were soft.

Soft. What do they call them we call them whole catches who's we people I grew up with why you got a fucking oh because anytime you were going out the pickers you put on all white hot type re-box with two straps and you call them whole catches because you went to go get some holes. How catch is hang on. That's tough. I try to teach myself kung fu when I'm. Both of those real. Yeah, I try to teach my kung fu when I sneeze.

Like the energy of Tai Chi so I can punch through a wall someday. I just have to learn how to sneeze. You almost fight me. You almost fight finger death punch in my mouth. Hang on, you take over Jay for a second. I'm gonna find this photo so you can all laugh at me. Monroe, you're a black nerd. I'm not. How much is a black trench co-cost?

What's the fastest action on a shotgun for talking school shootings? What? How old are you Monroe? 27. Oh shit. Yeah, I'm old. You're 27 27. Wow. That's not old though, but I hear you. Versus old. No. He's 34. What do you? Do you older? No, I'm 35, but I'm the, I'm the I'm the one you scope I'm 26 Where he's got a house with a bear I become I become an elder States me dream Elder States with a comedy you're an elder state no, but the Bobby doesn't like the the look back

Just if you use like just use comedy as the gauge for it. I think it's like I remember like driving you to open for you on gigs like just like you still have to now a you still have curly hair. I mean it's so weird to like yeah I think me you don't know this room knew you at all at that time. That was a greatest story ever. Deroza. Why is it really? Oh yeah, I took it in the road. I brought the Rosa. When you fell asleep on me in the car, fucking mush. I said, you let it happen for a good hour. There's no sleeping in the car, man.

You got to ask to go to, when you're on the road together, you're driving hours together to gigs, and you've got to have a lead drove to Gainers. It was like a nine hour. We drove to, this is North Carolina. North Carolina. Crazy gigs we drove to. This Cuck Sucker, you don't fall asleep, because I need you.

If you fall asleep, I might fall asleep, we die. You let me know if you're gonna fall asleep, so psychologically, I can do what I gotta do. I can get my cigarettes ready, get some coffee, get some music. You know what I mean? This fat Cuck Sucker, I just feel a big fat head on my shoulder. Fwop. I'm driving a good hour on the just raging like a Virgy riff

Fucking cock fucking If you don't fall a fucking sleep dude Yeah fucking He was building I was fucking then I just I just started throwing M&M's at his head No that was in your place Cause yeah but you know it's hilarious I get it

I get this very much now It was all I mean it's the first thing I would do a Bobby We went on a gig where we did three shows, but like it's colleges. They're all over They were spaced really weird. It was like almost to Canada Maryland and Like I can't remember where else I'm one of the middle of a Connecticut maybe but like we're going to but one of them was kind of close We did the gig and then one of them we stayed at your place. Yeah, you had to stay at my apartment.

I didn't really know Bob. And the door man building. Yeah, exactly. I knew you from when you would come in from LA a couple times, but like, you know, I was very new in the city myself and like not really working anywhere. And just on Keith's recommendation, Bobby, he's like, yeah, you got a car.

I'll take you on the road. You know, you drive to these gigs or whatever. And he's outpay for the gas. You know, it was, it was a decent deal. And like, I was like, absolutely, man. And I stay at Bobby's house. The one that I just get some, some fat young kiddo, you really don't know. You wrote I'm much in common with at that point. I was, I was pretty young still. I was like, you know, like, I was in shape, too. I was like, yeah, I was like 22 maybe 21 and Bobby's a I go to his place like he just goes to Bayes like how you can sleep out here and he had a couch I just fell asleep in a chair

And he just says like what's great about Bobby's he does actually have a weird amount of patience for it when you hear the numbers You're like really? He's like he's like dude for three fucking hours. I listen to you snoring. I just see a guy you probably figuring Oh, look at his fat. I mean I'm like 70 80 pounds heavier than I am right now at this point So he's like just some fat guy sweating in my fucking chair This is like your first place you got to Bobby where it was like this is a nice apartment in a nice building This is very new for you. I believe I'm'm fucking living my dream. Where were you living? 43rd and 10th between 10th and 11th.

You know, I gave a tell on the corner, Jaymore on the other corner, Lewis Black on the other corner, me and Norton in the same building. It was a dream place. You pull your car in valet. Yeah, you did it parking spot. You did it, you did it, it balls out. Fuck and loved it.

I got this cock sucker in my fucking $1 all the recliner from lazy boy sitting up snoring And at one point here's why wake up though I wake up to extraordinary pain because Bobby Not on purpose on purpose through it But both a fun-size bag of M&Ms There's a little like you know what you get any fucking just zipped it at me But it's it literally caught and boxed my ear. Yeah, just caught me right So I wake up to that ringing and I'm like what the fuck do you fucking snore and so and then bad We can bear it though my wife's like

I'm like he's not fucking fine my dogs didn't sleep as a fucking asshole So there's that and then just fucking nodding off. And I'm only shoulder to like a son. This one really, this one fucking magazine made me, this one really made me mad. We're on the fucking gig. We go to Taco Bell late at night, cause fucking, first of all, he's 80 pounds

ever than he is, okay? I know he said 70, I added 10. Cause I don't believe him, okay? Cause I'm fat too, and I always know you lie about 10. So, he's got to eat. We got to get him food. And I'm, I go, let's go to Taco Bell. And I'm waiting for this cocksucker to fucking be a fatty.

Show me what you got. Show me what you got. I want to see you fucking eat. Not one time on this three day fucking mega trip all over the fucking US, East Coast did this cock sucker He ate like he this little petite girl. We pull up to Taco Belly goes. I'll just get the salad the taco salad I go how are you this fucking fat? How are you? I go do you eat like the fat kid and monsters bald? You have the candy bars in your pillow at night?

Like go or pile full-mo jacket He fucking this clock sucker orders a taco salad which bugged me because I know it's gonna smell It's a chilly taco fuck you salad comes in a big bowl the crunchy ball Which is just gross because you know they fry them like seven months ago just gross because you know they fry them like seven months ago. Brings it in the car, we pull away. He's going through his stupid bag with his fucking fat fingers. Dude, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't me my sour cream. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Eat the fucking salad. We're gonna go, we get 20 hours. I need my sour cream, man.

It's a taco salad, you need sour cream with fucking mix. I'm, I just cut the way you fuck, you cock sucker, we pull back up. Can we get sour cream for fat tits? I'm so angry. Then he falls asleep on the way home. I'm literally gonna die at the wheel. I'm so angry. Then he falls asleep on the way home. I'm literally gonna die at the wheel. I'm going to die for an hour this kid's on my

head, on my shoulder. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to pull over and just kick him out somewhere on the road and just have him wake up. You're right. You got to ask. That's like the rule. That's the road rule. You got to ask. You got to fucking ask. You can't listen. That's the best. This is the sad part about life You're ready sad part old people are right the older people before you are always right and it's cliche But when they say it goes by fast when they say these are the best of times when they say it seems hard now But you trust me later in life Those were the best of times not to to say these are great times too.

Listen to me, my friends is still that funny. Do you understand? Billy Burr, Rich Voss, Keith Robinson, and Jim Norton, and Colin Quinn are my friends. That's my first round of people that I've been to get. We went to war together for the last 20 fucking years or 15 years with the the ladder of the guys But today I tweet Billy Burstens this night nice tweet to you know remind everybody that it's you know somebody's birthday and Just a nice yeah guys it's somebody's birthday. I just want to let you know, right I tweet back I

Tweet back. Oh my god. Okay, here we go ready This this literally went on for hours. Okay, I tweet cool. Thanks. I have 27 years of sobriety today Today is 27 years of sobriety for me Jim Norton congratulations. That's great billber a bob A Keith. That's great. Now if you can only do three days without cake Rich Voss, great wife Kid career good career life is good Congrats, right? I go what the fuck? What do you mean good career Voss? You're keeping things positive? Well-wishing What do you mean good career? Voss, you're keeping things positive, well wishing,

Jim Norton, Voss, you're keeping things positive. Well wishing makes me sick. Hey, if I can have what I want, if I can't have what I want, let me have what I go fuck yourself. Switch, rich Voss, swallowing, I can't say that. Swallowing giz, you don't get sick, but well wishing makes you sick

It goes on and on for hours Just trashing Trashing trashing Keith Robinson Billy Burr He says Keith is a whino It is me Jim Norton a late in life alky,

who the fuck starts drinking at 53. I've said that a thousand times. I mean, that's the most unbelievable thing. Keith Robinson goes like this. I'm headed to LA to smack that ginger in the face. No, Norton, finally, I'm raising you for you to be in LA. I'm back. to an orphan finally a reason you for you to be in a way i'm back bony came in and took over

well those uh... well as you was getting school supplies i wrote boss if bony then he was like this is i'm sorry i was so harsh i said that before it was insensitive of me i go boss if bony's in the store who helped you spell insensitive Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You know that yeah you gave us all that to tell us your one last Fuck all you guys tweet Because of that whole journey One of your long stories and a cut you off. We've been talking about me and you in a car again for five hours I think we should let first of all no one enjoy. We just said okay. You're right And let's turn it over to the you stream folks Who tell shit your long story?

Nah, you're right. I-I-I-I-I- Listen, you do tell a good story. My story, my point is this, is that we're all fucking these of the time. Yeah. Being mad at you, getting to know you as a young comic, you fucking bugged me. I was a different guy back then too. I'm not as mean to guys that I bring on the road because I learned a lot too. But being on the road, doing those fucking seven, nine hour,

13 hour gigs and fucking around and knocking, paid great and needing that shit holes and just laughing and making each other less smoke and cigarettes and trying to bang broads and all the shit that we did. Now you come to where we are today with our kids. You know, you have kids, Paul, you have kids. You have kids, you don't know about them, and Ro, or you don't care about it. You don't raise. You'll have kids someday when you steal them and kidnap them and put them in your basement and take their skin off because you're a fucking vampire.

You have to drink their blood. But you know what I mean? Like that is this, these are the fucking times. We're going to be 80 someday. The stories we have, I'm so grateful, because I could be a fucking ordinary dude with just high school stories. I don't know, we're so fucking lucky, man. No, there is, it's true, but it's the same for it. You said the old people have it right. Even yourself, when I see somebody now who's young,

even in high school, my brother's significantly younger than me, So when he was in high school or my sister still is, anytime they have those problems, they seem like earth crushing, you're just like, dude, it's not going to mean in five years, you will forget all of them. I had shitty, I remember 18, 1918, 19, I had my credit was shot. I think it was 1920. Shot. They sent me, this is back in the day, a check for five grand, this bank sent me this financing company, sent me a $5,000 check for shits and giggle. I lived in the shithole.

My rent was $127. I, my door had no lock or hinges. I literally had to put it back in like a puzzle piece when I came in the house. You understand me? I had a pop-a-s Pier One, but I slept on. You're right, Tom, man. They sent me a $5,000 check.

I went down for shits and giggles to catch it. They gave me $5,000. Wow. I went and bought a motorcycle and a Z28 with teatops, immediately. Came home with a Honda shadow. He bought a fucking Z28. Z20 with teetops and a fucking she got a LeBrah on that thing Remember the LeBrah what is that the the the the leather across the front? What the fuck was that for?

People wanted him so immense so much people to get him and just like also Writing across the back of the tinting was such a big deal The fin the fin because you know your car was gonna do wheelie if you didn't have the fin, right? If you didn't have a fin your car was gonna, your fero is gonna fucking tip over. Do you remember, I said, just remember those times,

like, and it was so funny, because again, it was like, we didn't know each other for too crazy long, and I remember like a trip where we were, I think I was driving, and we were both just nodding. It was getting to the point where deploy was getting a little dangerous and We just grabbed each other's dicks and and and angrily challenge over the pants, but it was for like

I'm gonna be a voice is going. I don't give a fuck dude. I'll stick cuz it was like a like an asshole challenge We need to slow down Jay Listen then we're gonna back up that we're going to the next The long gonna spot has goes a weirder there fucking roll stories I'm gonna get you to be done eight 804 after 804 I start confessing it all we Sucked each others digs no it was like I'm like I'm You know the fuck

Listen to dead here's the doubt you remember I was talking I was face Let me show you I'll show you show me what you did If you get free if you freak out, it's cuz you're gay Just let this happen Monroe you want to be white you let him do get you Stop Mustos fucking these are not he's not gonna touch you junk. He's just gonna show you what

it's like let him do it. No, let me just show you. Let me just let him show you. Let me and Bobby. If you go to the right, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's somewhere around. I think we were like, we got a miss pillow. No, it was around. Move the pillow. No, no, you gotta trust him. Give me the pillow. Give me the pillow. I'll fucking call the cops and he's killing the cops. Make him roll. Make him roll. Put his hands his hands wait, you almost put it the point though. He just put the point You take your hand off. He goes white guys go too far. They go too far. I can't What does that mean?

Dude the aine the ass thing like you stick fingers in each other's ass Who sticks I've seen it. Where where you at? White friends that is doing them random places like gotcha You're gonna go I'll pick a finger Or do the ball attempt Moral over pants. Yeah, I'm listening to me. Yes, it's not over But are they doing it for a good vined video? I mean is there a reason? for a good vined video. I mean, is there a reason? It doesn't matter. Go ahead, man.

Go ahead, go ahead. I better get the last one. Listen, yeah, don't, you're completely covering the whole line. I want you to do this. Look at me. Look at me. I want you to relax. Keep your hands on the microphone. Marrow. Marrow, look at me. Look at me.

Marrow. Hang on one second. Let me handle this. Marrow. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Stay right. No, sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Pull your pants up. Okay, get comfortable. Sit down, sit down, Monroe. I get you junk hard.

I'm not getting hard. I know. All right, now listen, I want you to, I want you to take your hand off, just relax. Pull your hands to your sides. Trust me, trust me, this is not gonna be bad. Trust me, put your hands, look at me. Put the mic back down so we can hear you.

Mike, put your hands behind you. Just put them behind, next to you. Just why are you next to you. Just why are you trying to coax me through this? Listen, trust me. I want you to trust us. You're going to be, I want you to trust us. Put your hands by the side.

Relax and just. You got two seconds. Go now. Go, man. Do it. Go. It was right about here. Oh, that's gay.

Why would you let him do that? No. Why would you let him do that? It was right about Feel the tube That's I I This mother God damn it man, oh my fucking god, well, I love you, dude Group home teaches you how to canoe and let gay guys touch your dick affair Yeah, but we're all that. But we're all that's over. You go you got two seconds to be gay. All right, go ahead. How did you not hold your guns to not let me do you understand

verzy. Can I say something? Do you understand there's no coaxing money or gold that I could give Paul Verzy for him to ever allow that to go down., it's you understand that's you would no way no way I would put I didn't put that fucking brown dildo on my fucking hand They were like what are you a comic? Why don't you put the brown dildo on your mouth? In your mouth and your mouth grab it here and put it next to this fucking and you know, I don't you know what the fuck I don't do that really yeah, we shall Yeah, what a fucking burly looking mother fuck like you grabbing my cock on a podcast? Yeah. Do you, what's your concern?

How do you feel about that, Monroe? What's your concern? I feel violated, actually. I don't know. My concern is not, no, don't. Violate this. Bobby, smell my hand. No, but I don't like, don't, but you know what I don't like?

I don't like when people are like, what's your fear? Are you afraid you're gonna like it? No, I'm not afraid I'm gonna like it. I'm afraid that I gotta go home to my fucking wife okay, I did a podcast, some guy grabbed my cock. Like I don't, I didn't come to that. What if she was like, that's hilarious. That I'm so glad you broke out of your shell finally.

No. I know she been so excited about guys grabbing your dick. Why? Finally, we can fuck up. I can't fight with her and be like, you need to grab my dick more. We fight in your wife ass if you work on her. Are you fucking doing that, Michael?

Your wife ass if you're coming. What are you, a comic or not? I look like a be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like,

you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like,

you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like,

you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be like, you need to be What people do you said so we had a conversation on Montreal and you were like I think about the shit where I will and I think it's important You know, I like you said before corny cliche, but it's true. You think about where you were Yeah, and then you think about where you are and you kind of just enjoy it, but like the like One quick story. I won't fucking I just get into real There's no fun, but I know you're running sure on time But we did a bus tour we did a bus tour was me bur Jason lawhead and we would stop at a Walmart And like we would just run to the fucking, who could find the funniest $5 comedies on DVD?

And one time we went into this thing, and I like, you know, me and you, like we were talking about food and stuff. And this Walmart had the greatest brand. I forgot the name, it begins with a B, but a fresh Mootsodelle in the fucking rap. And then they had next to it, they had tomatoes. So I'm running around this Walmart in fucking, we were like down in Georgia. And I'm going,

Bill, dude, they got fucking and like we went on the, we went on a three, three o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And I'm slicing fresh mozzarella in fucking the middle. No, and we put on good fellas. And we're just cutting up cheese. And it's like a football, the fresh cheese. And we're putting salt on it. And we're eating the tomatoes. And we're just a football the fresh cheese and we're putting salt on it and we're eating the tomatoes and we're just shoving our fat faces we're smoking cigars we're drinking and we're watching good fellas all through the South all hours of the night I'm like at one of my ever gonna this business is the only fucking thing that I'll ever give you that you know the only thing that ruins it is this is if you if you're mad that it's not yours do you understand it what do you mean like if you you mad that it's not yours. Do you understand it? What do you mean?

Like, you can't get mad that like, when you and I did it, Dane was flipping the bill for that. Do you know what I mean? And I was like, I want it, I want it. And I never got that type of busted. So you got to, you got to let, like, you know what I mean?

You're not that type of guy. But it's like, you know, sometimes with me like I want my own bus someday. Oh, you can't let me. I'm gonna say, I bought the fucking cheese, but I don't just say. I bought the cheese and tomatoes. I think I'm doing good fellas, dude.

You gotta enjoy it. No, even if it's somebody else's, it's yours, man. Your success is that your, those are your shows too. Those are your gigs. That you, you don't even mean that's, those are your shows too, those are your gigs. You don't even mean that, I know you don't, but me, I kind of tainted some of the stuff with my own ego, you know what I mean? Did you know that it affect your enjoyment of what it, because when I went out on those rock tours, maybe the first one I did, man, it was really like four of us on a bus, which you know, it's great, man.

Awesome, bus tours, the best. We win. I did a tour with him. We did one with, we did the G5 or G4, which is unbelievable. I'll take a bus over a fucking plane any day. It's the best sleep you'll ever get. How is a G4? It's stupid dude.

You walk in, it's an 18 person plane. It's me cook fucking McDonald's and you know of the Terminator 2 one and two and we have our own flight attendant you know you know she has exactly what you wanted as you sit down as you take off you're fucking drink and your snack is ready and I got to tell the story but the bus is way better because you can stop it while I used to stop at Walmart. I know what I did on the tourgasm I threw in my underwear and socks every time every week. I didn't wash them I just went to Walmart and fucking for 20 bucks. Yeah, I had new underwear and socks socks every

Fucking week no better feeling the world than a fresh pair of socks and a hot pair underwear Nice, that's the coolest shit other than the stage. Like me and you would smoke. We would smoke outside that thing at the, at the, what was it called? Club soda, we'd smoke. What about the night me and you went to fucking Chinese food? Me and Bobby went and he's like, dude, you want to go,

we were Montreal, I think we were done for the night. He goes, you want to go to Chinatown. So we walked to Chinatown. Okay, I had the best fuck, I swear to God, I'm not kidding. I had the best fucking pork fried rice I ever had in my fucking life. I remember the taste now. I remember if I fucking, I remember the best fuck I swear to God I'm not kidding around I had the best fucking pork fried rice I've had in my fucking life. I can't believe I still I remember the taste now I remember if I fucking I remember the bites now. That's how good it was So we're leaving in a guard. Let's go get some frozen yogurt. Yeah, you know something so Bobby's walking

This is fucking hilarious. Just one of the funny things I've ever seen So Bobby's walking and we're going yeah the the yogurt places right by the high it And he just goes to look at that. You see that Chinese bakery? And he just looked in the window like a little boy looking at a fucking puppy that he wanted. They had a loaf. They had loafs of bread. The size of little baby footballs filled with cream. And it had sesame seeds on top of it. And he goes, dude, you want to get that fucking? I go, no, man, I fucking stomach. We just said, oh, let's just go back to the

high and get the frozen yogurt. He goes, let me just look at it. So we go inside and he's like, come on, for as he eats that thing, I'm not eating that. He goes, he'll fucking, he's giving me shit. You fuck, go at the fuck, just take half of it. Right? And he looks down the fucking, he looks down to the counter. And there's a fucking fat Chinese guy.

I know how many, like, sick list of the mace. His pants, he's got a visualize. He's got a baseball hat on too big for his head He's got fucking thick glasses just goggle glasses. Yep suspenders his jeans pulled up over his fucking over his up to his nipples Okay, now this is the deal. I'm both looking at these loaves. Okay, these sweet loaves. It's like a football It's a shiny big shiny's a big shiny piece of bread with cream in it shiny piece of bread So sweet bread sweet bread with cream in the middle. He's looking at it. I'm looking at it He sees me looking at it. There's two up front. There's two in the back now They're not the same they're different, but the two up front of better than the two in the back

He sees me. I see him he grabs the fucking loaf like a ninja Yeah starts eating it. Bites you. How many bites did he take in a row? Four like this without breathing. One, two, three. No, no, no, no. He didn't take a breath.

I've never seen it. That means he's behind a fucking... To the hides. Yeah, he hid behind the... He hid me on the thing because I was watching him. And Bobby's going, I'm going, I'm going, hey, hey, where is it good? No, no, no, no, no, he got, he look Bobby's looking at him and the guy's going And he's got a fucking he's got a cream on

Stash, you got a fucking towel. It's a fat and it's a fat Chinese guy Would you never see and he's just he's just going ah he's eating it and he's got a fucking little you know That like a Hitler stash of cream and Bobby's looking at him. I swear to God like a little kid. He's going He did that like swallow. You know what like someone he goes God like a little kid he's going he did that like swallow you know what like someone he goes Like a little kid is it good and I swear to God the Chinese guy didn't answer just like a little kid He just nods he goes Like this and fuck it by the way. It was fucking verzy. I'm getting it and he ate the whole fucking thing I got the fuck the dude. Oh, they said you me me all the answer goes is it good I he might as well have yeah well I mean this is this is weird that you know Chris you're you're I mean

you're on this fucking show you're hanging with guys that you shouldn't be with yeah no you know what I mean you gotta go I we're gonna wrap it up right now anyways but you know what I mean so you you know love this because as soon as comes back it's gone. Yeah, I'm kidding. You know, this is not we would not leave the podcast and the 30,000 plus listeners of your podcast. No yours are more than that now. We just got 10,000 last month new listeners. So thank you for spreading the word. You guys thanks just sticking around. We did this, this is actually, we did this actually when I always like to do them with Jay, but he can only do them at night and Verzy also,

they're busy during the day, they have kids and certain guys can only do them at night. I'm glad you guys made it. We have another show yesterday that fucking, we're gonna get back up online hopefully. It, you know, sometimes this shit just shuts down. And I fucking hate it, but thank you for listening to the show.

Let's go real quick around the room. Go ahead, Monroe. Monroe Martin, Twitter, Monroe Martin III. And I'll be at the stand. And whenever this comes out, I know we can. Awesome, Jay. At Big J.O.K.S.N. BigJ.com. E.D.com for all my tour dates awesome and

Legion of scams on where cave comedy radio.com comedy yeah make sure you support them and support Creek in the cave that's a great club over there you guys have free shows every night and you get some of the best comics in the fucking world popping by there Rebecca works her ass off they got an unbelievable Mexican restaurant they got shows upstairs and downstairs and they're always trying to be creating you talk about someone making something out of nothing Creative people. I love fucking creative people. I love people who see nothing But then they make it into something and she Rebecca over the creek in the cave and all those people helping her and the comics going over there Helping her you know you guys forget that the young guys you Chris and Kelly and even you back in the day and me,

without the young comics helping us get this shit together and calling people, it doesn't work. All of us together make this shit go down. So make sure you support them. Well, there's a show that, you know, Rebecca and Christine both produced the What You're Fucking Deal Show and Montreal and are also at the village underground.

Yeah, so they're great. The three and two of them, because they put their heads together. Fucking awesome, I love them. So, Versi, what do you got? Yeah, follow me at Twitter at Paul Verzi, VIRCI, and my new website, PaulVersi.com, has dates in New York, some dates coming up in the South.

And please support my podcast, The Versi Effect. This December will be three years I'm doing it. It's on Podbean and iTunes. my podcast a versi effect this December be three years of doing it time pod bean and uh... on it was three years this December three years i've been doing my for three years anyways i know i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm joking with you uh... how long have you been doing this? i've been doing it uh... i don't know

i don't know three this one three years but i had another one before that with all of them that was pretty we had twenty thousand listeners this i did one before podcasts Anybody had a podcast before burn we did a weird show that was up on the internet and whatever but Versa effect and that's just you and sometimes you have guests, right? It's me and then like something I have to time a little less than have to time. I have a guest on Versa is a funny guy man. I fucking love him one of my new favorites. No, thanks solid fucking guy. I love you to to you Thank you. Thank you sir. Yeah, I do. I was giving him I know you felt bad because you're like me from my

I'll do it. I'm like you. I was in home still so you know You need that love from a white guy from a middle-aged white guy. I know you are white I can't believe you let him touch your cock I really can't believe it. Go ahead. What do you got? Twitter at Chris Copo, you can come, the village, I'm all over the village, the village lantern on Wednesday nights. And check this out. This huge stream stuff is going to get better and better.

Thank you for the donations for allowing us to get this. Thank you for supporting our sponsors, which allow us to get this and supporting the other shows on riotcast.com. The funniest goddamn podcast network out there right now, I fucking, I guarantee it. Okay, so make sure you subscribe to all the shows on the network. We got big, big fucking news coming up for riotcast.com.

Really big news. Another show, you guys are gonna fucking flip out, okay? I can't say nothing now, but it it's common so make sure you keep supporting everything the donations the you stream we're getting another camera we're gonna be setting this up and getting faster internet and your critiques as long as you're not a fucking twat to be a twat are much appreciated so email us at at ykwd at riotcast.com. I want to thank all you guys who are actually sending emails in and thanking the podcast for getting you through your shitty

days. And you guys are really, you got a lot of them coming in. Again, we've been getting, the listenership has gone up the last three months, every month by thousands. So you guys are great for spreading the word. Keep spreading the fucking word. We got stickers coming this month. We're going to have them at the show. New York comedy festival November 6th. Guess what? You know what dude? Live. Live. We're going to be at the village underground. We're going to do comedy and then a live podcast. We're going to have stickers and posters.

So you guys, when that comes out, make sure you get the tickets for that. And right after that, riot cast, comedy show, straight up comedy show, Rich Voss, Bonnie McFallon, Mandy Stat Miller, we got Colin Quinn, we got Jim Florentine myself, and some more people. It's going to be an insane lineup, all at the Villa John the Ground, all on November 6th. The shows are coming out. We're gonna have stickers and everything there So make sure you support us spread the word get your tickets fast I'm Robert Kelly at Robert Kelly live Robert Kelly live calm So make sure you get me follow me on there you guys all follow me on that shit you guys know that And that's it check my website no one I'm coming no one these guys are coming

Okay, go to Chrissy shows wherever the fuck he is Whatever open Mike. He's doing go support him. Honestly God There's nothing better than when a guy like him new has somebody that Hear him and then you come see him at your open mic and there's somebody that is there to see you It makes you a better comic it gives gives you confidence. It gives you hope. And that's the one thing as comics we need just to hope that someday will fucking be there. You know what I mean? So I just like on that kind of know I've had When I was in Toledo Toledo, I have a funny bone

I first got to me after a show and handing me a bag of weed. Yeah, and it was wrapped in They made a sign on the front of it and it just said, YKWD. YKWD. That's great, man. There's nothing better. Let me know, that's what they knew me from. Nothing better when you guys do that.

There's nothing better when you come up after the show, Fan of the Podcast. You guys are the best. You guys, because you know what? If you're a fan of the show, then you're a fan. Because you had to go download this, you had to listen to this every week. Fuck, it's amazing. I love that we're getting a lot of this show, then you're a fan, because you had to go download this, you had to listen to this every week. Fuckin' amazing, I love that we're gettin'

a lot of girl listeners too. And we had a few black girls out there, Monroe. I had a black person approach me on the street. He was like, hey, I remember you, you was on WIKWD. I didn't know black people would listen to black people. Now that's gonna be a lot of black people. I'm taught you a dick now. He called me like, nigga. Are you for real?

I'm like dude, it wasn't what it sounds like. I can't believe that. I wish you let me do that. You guys are the best. Thanks for coming in. Alright. I hate you, I hate you stinkin' stinkin' You know what I need I'm stuck in the bottom of the bottom You know what I need But this box I need, I'm stuck in the bottom

You know what I need Don't stop filming my face. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.