Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - "I've Changed" | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #17

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder join forces and discuss who's the most athletic, their last real fight, great sitcom pitches, and much more. Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/   / robertkellylive   Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/   / gomezcomedy     / luisjgomez   Joe List   / joelistcomedy     / joelistcomedy   Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/   / dansoder   Thanks to @johng.wav on Instagram for the new intro music. SPONSORS Small Batch Cigar https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/ (https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/) Code: RE GZ for 10% off + 5% Rewards points Better Help https://betterhelp.com/regz for 10% off FÜM https://www.tryfum.com/regz promo code: Regz for 10% off VIIA https://viiahemp.com/ Use Code "REGZ" for 15% Off! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. And you'd do like the Sports Talk Radio? Yeah. No, no, no. You'd be like, we're talking Denver. We're talking about, we're talking about. Are the New York Yankees on a slide losing to the New York Mets 9-7 after air judges? Are we already on right now? We're on right now. We recorded all that? That should be it. New York Yankees on a slide losing to the New York Mets nine to seven after air judges. Are we already on right now?

We're on right now. You recorded all that? That should be it. That should be the intro. What's up everybody? We're back. It's the Regs and Dan Soda, Joe List, Louis J. Gomez, and the dude Robert Kelly.

We're back and we're in the new studio. I love it. The second new studio. I love this. This is way better. It's like a second new studio. I love this. This is way better. It's like a big surfboard. Yeah, dude. Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah.

Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah. If you gave the other one a shot, it would have been nice. No, it was dog shit. It was awful. It was a fucking phone booth. It was like an elementary school desk, and we were all sitting at one of it around it. Yeah, it felt like we're at your parent teacher day

This is our comeback episode. Yeah that one we were all out of sorts. It was 11 o'clock it was a fun episode It was a great episode. Yeah, I'm not saying a negative Nancy this is what This is like when you compare the Beatles in the stones and it makes like you seem like you hate one It was just our least best episode so you know better than every episode on the Beatles that's ridiculous I'm the Beatles all day long over the Stones you fed no the Beatles in the fat that's the fact no I am a walrus yes stones rule dude yeah they were like dressing in late even the Beatles weren't

doing coke they were they dressing in laced... You think the Beatles weren't doing coke? Dude, they went to India and became fucking Buddhas and played stupid guitars. By the way, stones, baby. The stones are talking about eating slave pussy. Literally. And the Beatles are like, Strawberry fields are fun

Yellow submarine, yellow submarine It's children music. The stones are talking about the devil. Yeah. He's the meat you. You picked the wrong one. Ow. Ow.

I couldn't tell you one song from either of them. Ah. I like your outfit. You look an extra black today. You look like a black person. Negative Nancy. Come on. You look Central American.

Clean it up. I am clean. You're tan as shit. Oh, because he's got the pool. He's got the pool outside. Every day, dude. He's outside every day by himself. What? Huh?

Let's see my mic impression. Have you had sex by your pool? In my life, yeah. Like, have your neighbors seen it? My neighbors have never seen it, no. He's got a nice fence around. Thank God. How are you so confident they haven't seen you have sex?

I mean, they'd have to go to their attic. I can make eye contact with one of their windows, which is their attic window. So. Someone's open the attic. I'm just waiting for it to go tch. Yeah. I'm just waiting for it to go tch. I'm just waiting for it to go tch.

I'm just waiting for it to go tch. I'm just waiting for it to go tch. I'm just waiting for it to go tch. I'm just waiting for it to go tch. I'm just waiting for it to go tch. I mean they have to go to their attic I can make eye contact with one of their windows, which is their attic window. So so it's open I'm just waiting for it to go Have you fucked in the backyard? Of course man you get head in the pool, of course man the pool she'll die Also, that's gonna be a weird suck-off I try to not come in the pool. That's cool. That's great. That's a nice thing. A lot of people come over. Where do you come?

Right on the side of the pool? No, no, no. I try to not come in the filter. You go in the grass. I tried to run into the skimmer. I just like, Oh, baby, just fuck the skimmer. What do you mean? The guy that steals from the casino? That's right. Well, I think we should have the retard's mic so they can hear when we get the big laugh. No, you like that? Yeah, you can hear you can hear them laugh. We don't need to take the head. Why are we wearing headphones? I don't we've always had headphones. You'd yell at us to not if we didn't work. Yeah, you're like, dude, we're brand

**** head. Why are we wearing headphones? You abuse us into believing that headphones. I walk around with a headphone with a wire just dangling your life now because you gave me PTSD. People change. This is what I was going to say though. Bobby, I love that people. I didn't think that at all. I thought that was pretty good.

I like the old thing, the visual, you did a little act out, you did a little swing. I love that people change and when people change, but just give us a heads up. Joe. Just be like, hey guys, I used to be crazy about the headphones. Now I think it's silly. Don't just throw a change up at us. Why are you idiots wearing headphones? Because you scared us into wearing headphones.

Full disclosure though, full disclosure, the only reason why the headphone conversation didn't even happen. What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? He got there. What do you believe in, Ily? Danny, fix him. The only reason the headphone conversation is happening is because headphones sound like shit. They do sound like shit. Damn. I got to see in Apollo 13 when they take their medical stuff off. I love that film. Fuck that. The headphones sound like shit today, and it's been bothering me.

I've been off, not into it, the whole time now. I almost want to start over again. For four minutes. Four minutes. You've been four minutes not into it. Can I tell you something, Louis? I wasn't into it on the reeds. Damn.

You did fucking great on the reeds. But they just found it. Just so you guys know, our hearts weren't in the reeds. You weren't here for the reeds. I was here for two of them. No, you weren't. You were here for one. One and a half?

You were here for one. I came and I've ruined one because I said things you're not supposed to say. Louis was here for the doesn't know how to reeds. Yeah. Ah. Goes back with headphones. Oh dude, no headphones is such a freeing experience.

Oh my god dude, let's just go raw. Thank god the video doesn't work today so we don't need them. Hey, we're at a new table. We are at a new table, that's all that matters. New table, more room. A nude. We should make it a nude table. Can I just, one thing that I have a problem with?

You know what, dude sign? The you know what, dude sign. What the fuck is this, dude? We have to get- It's so funny with the paper one next to it, it's like, you know what, dude, and then that's actually- Here's the thing, fuck face. Don't call me fuck face.

You're a fuck face. I'm not a fuck face. Because you're bitching about something that can't be changed. Me and Bobby had a moment recently where he, on the phone, he was just being Bobby, but I've grown as well, we've both grown, but we were talking, he was like, dude, just shut the fuck up!

No, I called you a cocksucker. No, no, no. I said, dude, fuck off, cocksucker, and you hung up. No, it was way more aggressive. Motherfucker, it was way more aggressive than that. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. What do you think just results in them fighting?

I would love that. They're like, we both grew up, and then they're just fucking. No. And then I hung up, and then he called me back, and I was like, what was that? I was like, dude, you can't tell me to shut the fuck up, dude. I was like, it just doesn't feel like we're having a real conversation when you do that. And then I hung up, and then he called me back, and I was like, what was that? And I was like, dude, you can't tell me to shut the fuck up, dude. I was like, it just doesn't feel like we're having a real conversation when you do that. And then I hung up, and then he called me back, and I was like, what was that? And I was like, dude, you can't tell me to shut the fuck up, dude. I was like, it just doesn't feel like we're having a real conversation when you love that. They're like, we both grew up and then they're just fucking. But no, then I hung up and I was like, then he called me back and I was like, what was that?

I was like, dude, you can't tell me to shut the fuck up, dude. I was like, it just doesn't feel like we're having a real conversation when you do that. He's like, dude, you're right, dude, I'm sorry. And I was like, all right. Well, that's, that's, yeah. It's growth. I, I, I don't know if it was that.

I called you a co, I said, shut the fuck up, cocksucker. Yeah, it was worse than I thought. By the way, Lewis telling the story, at the end of his story, he goes, and Bobby goes, yeah, I'm sorry, I've grown and I'm really sorry, you're the alpha male. And I said, you're okay. That's what I said. I said, how it went. I went, look at that. I said, sit, boo boo, sit. I said, what I said, I go, dude, you know, when I say shut the fuck up, that's

me. I'm not telling you to shut. I love you. I'm not telling you to like fuck off. It's not like we're talking about fucking what movie we're gonna go see. It's like, ah, shut the fuck up, dude. We're gonna go see Planet of the Apes. We're in a heated thing in the moment. And then you're talking- It wasn't a heated conversation. No, you told me to, yes it was.

What was it? I don't remember. Then how the fuck do you know? Right there. I know. If we were heated right now, that would be crossing the line. But that's- Damn, you know what you're doing?

You're pulling a chick move right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing a stop, you're doing a stop. Lewis, what's up with you, dude? Are you getting sensitive? What? Are you getting sensitive? What? Are you getting sensitive? Yes.

Are you getting sensitive dude? Are you growing? The cool new thing isn't taking testosterone, it's taking estrogen. I might start taking testosterone. No, don't. I do not need that. The world doesn't need that.

Get a check first. Your testosterone's probably 1800. I got a check. What is it? Like four something. For what? For testosterone. No, you don't need testosterone. You don't need it.

Is it four something? You're lying. I swear to God it's four something. What's a good number? What's the right number? You want eight. Eight, nine is like what fucking like young athletes have.

Between seven and nine. Yeah, seven and nine. If you really wanna go fucking balls out, maybe thou. But that's a little too much. What do you mean, thou? You go under 400? They give you the level. Oh, 400, I see.

Under 400, you should do T. So, no, I asked my doctor. My doctor said I'm above average for my age. Was she a woman or a man? It was a man. Okay. But then I came in the next time, and he was like, well, people are competing in sports, want to be like 8, 900.

And I was like, I'm boxing. I'm putting my life on the line against Tim Butterly. Are you fighting again? No, but I will eventually. So you're going to go trans. You're going to start taking testosterone and be a trans. You think that's trans? Oh, that is due to like trans manliness. Yeah, they take hormones to become. I would love if Lewis came in with heels and long hair because they gave me the wrong. I think who? which one of us

Hey boys, I had to make a decision First off I'm a strong, I'm a real ass lady. Which one would be the hottest trans? I have the best lady legs, no question. You do. I'm not saying I have the best lady face. I would win. I think I would be a beautiful. No, that would be horrible. I would be a beautiful one. No, you'd be the worst

by far. He'd be sucking everybody's cup. That would be me, dude. Plant face. As soon as I went woman, I would suck off every man in the fucking room. First of all, chick with gross teeth is just one of the worst. God. Yeah. Hey pirate. I was ever heard of jewel. I was, I didn't, she got fixed. Yeah, but she only has one. You have 18. I'm working on it. Joe has the teeth of a Grammy. What are you doing? I'm like an old lady. Your teeth actually I noticed them when you walked in. They're looking better. Thank you. Well, I'm working. You fixed your stomach. You fixed your hair. I'm fixing your teeth. When will Lewis fix his funny bone? Oh, give me some, pass it over to Joe.

I was gonna do that one or skin color. What do you think is better? You know, a new hour is coming along. It's only been like seven weeks. Don't worry about it. I'd wait four months. You can see the front are actually getting straighter. All different, baby.

Lewis, you do not need to Sasha. You're my only friend. Lou, go for it can I just run these two betas go for it you're my what the fuck are you gonna fucking snap you a little thin finger you'll just put it on the block and you'll be winded I do it I'll beat you now I'll fucking race you race I'll race you I'll race you you might I will fucking race you might be 100% I will what's the distance because I'll race you. I will fucking race you. 100% I will. What's the distance? I'll beat you in anything. Anything I'll beat you in. Anything physical. Anything. Basketball? Football? Basketball. I'd fucking mop you. You'd beat me in scores but not hustle. What? In scores?

I wouldn't quit. That's great. What kind of Rudy fucking... Bobby just tipped his hand that he's never played a team sport. I shot around with Bobby one time, we went to like a summer camp with the kids. It was like, you know, just went for like a camping for a day or two. Remember? At the basketball court there. Both of us. We were winded. It was a hot day. I was 350 pounds. That's how big you got.

But I don't think that your heart is any better. My heart's fucking... everything went down. I understand you, yes, I don't think that your heart is any better. My heart's fucking, everything went down. No, I understand you, yes, you're, you're, you don't have as much heart disease, yes. That's not, I didn't have heart disease. That's not how that works. I didn't have heart disease you should have. That's not one of some of it.

What I'm saying is you're, you're just not like you, and this, I don't want to shit on you. You are. Well then let me not. No, no, no, go ahead, go ahead, cause I'm not sensitive. No, no, no, no, Louis.

Louis, shit on me. Well, I'm just saying, hold on. Oh, Oliver, yes? We really need tea. He's like, I don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but like the reality is, it's not like you did cardiovascular exercise.

Yes, I did. In order to lose. Yes, I did. You don't. Yes, I do. I know you, you're my friend. You're my friend, you don't do cardiovascular exercise. I do it four days a week, I'm on the treadmill. Four days a week, I'm on the treadmill. Yes, I do. I know you. You're my friend. I fuck. You're my friend. You don't do cardiovascular exercise. I do it four days a week.

I'm on the treadmill. Four days a week, I'm on the treadmill. What do you do? On the treadmill, I do 45 minutes, up and down, up and down, up and down. Heart rate up, bring it back down. Two minutes down, one minute up, two minutes down, one minute up.

Can I also just say a hilarious thing? Two minutes down, one minute up is a shitty interval. It's not a fat old lady interval. The idea of arguing whoops. One minute on, 20 seconds off, one minute on, 20 seconds. That is a shitty interval. It's not a fat old lady. One minute on 20 seconds off, one minute on 20 seconds. Not when it's 15. You go all the way up and then back down for two minutes. You walk on an incline for one minute and walk on an incline. You're doing old lady interval walking on an incline. You try doing it. Lewis, I do it. I box every day, Bobby walking. You should see my, you should see my wife

box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box

box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box four times a week. I work out weight knows better than you. He's your friend. I work out weight and treadmill every time I work out four times a week. I work out weights. He knows better than you. He's your friend. I work out weights and treadmill every time I work out.

You do old lady exercise. Buddy, you can call what you want, but my stamina. What is your weight training? You know, but I'm seeing your stamina would not, you walking on a treadmill would not give you a physical advantage over anybody that does any sort of physical activity. It is 100% give me way more stamina than I had two years ago. I could fucking race him. Yeah, I don't do any physical activity. We know. Yeah.

Nobody. So why don't you try to do more physical activity than a guy that does physical activity? I'm not getting crazy. Well, no. You want to talk shit? No, we're talking shit to you. I can't run Bobby. I'm talking shit to him. You definitely get me in a race. I have big old Samoan legs. I just don't do I got if you give me I can beat you in a race of distance

Unquestionably, but anything short I need a good full three minutes to get any speed to get above three miles an hour Gear up. I'm like a like a local like a locomotive in the 40s. Do you make the noises? Here I come you make the noises, you go chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, I'm walking too swiftly because we went on a hike together. Me, you and Ari that bothered him that one. No, what bothered me? The walk didn't even hear. No, I didn't even fucking hear it. I talked right over it. I, uh, when we did the hike when I was big, big, I got, I, it was fucking kill it. Ari and Joe, huh? Huh? What'd you say? What? What? Come on. Oh, I did. What was it? I didn't say I didn't like it. I said, come on, my face. Come on, baby. Come on. I didn't hear it. I would have liked

to have enjoyed it. Hike with the blank rhymes with hype, which is so, so outrageously offensive. I liked it. It's good. It's good. We did that. I was fucking you guys were about you kept having to stop to come back. Yes. Yeah. You got to come and then on the way back, Ari had to actually take my backpack off because I did something to my back. I was fucking heavy as shit. Couldn't even hike, but I finished the hike. I did do the hike. I get now I can hike. Now I get my stamina is a lot better. Take a hike. What do they call it? Yeah. Hot dog. I was gonna trash your story. Aren't we talking about how I'm a better athlete than all of you like 10x? You're not a better athlete than him.

100%. I think it's however you... What is your metric for an athlete? Basketball, baseball, sports. No, no, no. I think sports. Queer athlete. No, I don't think sports. I think it's running, swimming, athletics. Running, swimming, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no out alpha by Joe List right now. It's gross like, yeah, dude. Get up to 500. Don't break your watch. I already got it fixed.

Another great argument, by the way. No, no, no, no. Sports don't count towards athleticism. Yeah, because you can't play at that level. You're so baseball. You're not playing baseball or basketball. Yes. We're talking running, lifting.

Those are all aspects of sport. Yes The reason you can't do sports as the measure is because sports it's a specific movement that you train So baseball if you played baseball throughout your entire life It doesn't mean you're more athletic than a person who's a professional fucking runner You can play baseball better than that person right, but I'm facting it all things Right. Well, we're not even arguing. I'm saying you're a better athlete than me. Thank you. I'm just saying the metric can't be baseball

or fucking sports that you played growing up. But you factor in. That I didn't, you wouldn't factor those in. What do you factor in? I would factor in running, swimming. When I ran growing up. The engines just went out. So does that not count?

Does fighting count? Trying to say what you might have to refer to. No, I wouldn't say it would. No, fighting wouldn't count. Okay, so MMA people, they don't count as athletes. Only runners. Runners and jumpers. No, that's not what I'm saying.

In a test of athleticism, I wouldn't put you and an MMA fighter in a fight because obviously he's going to have a massive advantage because he's a fighter. But if in a race and a swim, you might actually beat some MMA fighters. Double Dutch. Absolutely. Definitely. Yeah. Chess.

Who do you think is the best chess player here? My love of strategy. You. No, I stink. I don't know how to play. You don't know how to play, but I don't know how to play. I wouldn't be surprised if Lewis is secretly good at chess. Does it hurt your feelings that when anyone comments you they say it like I'll smoke everybody in chess. I bet you would yeah. Yeah, because you were a lonely loser kid Like you got a loser. I was a fucking you didn't have friends you weren't you were in juvie playing with other black You didn't have friends. You were in juvie playing with other black people.

Yeah, you had to be sent to meet other people. While they're waiting there sentencing. That's a better way to go. Yeah. Are you good at chess? I'm probably, I'm better than you guys because you don't play chess. I wouldn't mind having a chess. We used to play chess at the cellar.

Every night we'd have chess matches downstairs. Me and Keith. You still got it? You know who's really good? Norton's really good. He's autistic, yeah. He's good. Keith is good because Keith taunts you the whole time. Norton's good until he starts swallowing the queen. Hey, stop. It's so funny. It's a queen on a queen. The queen's gambit. The queen... Can I have that?

Oh yeah, I tied it pretty tight. Yeah, that's okay. I'll just take it, thanks. Keith can only move one half of the board. Did you guys miss that one? That was a good thing. It's good, hey. He liked it. All right.

Two queens on, nope. What do you think the best board game is? Monopoly. I'm just getting the conversation started. That sounded like you were leaving an elevator soon. Monopoly, this is taking forever. That's poor. Now is chess a sport? Side question. Shut up, Joe. Chess is not a sport. You're coming in with the lowest T. All right, so it's not. You fucking idiot. So chess is a board game? Yeah, so chess and monopoly same category. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes is a sport. Okay. Yeah

You know old-timey the world's oldest board game probably. Yeah, it's the original board games Then they have dumb chess checkers for Lewis. I know a board game who can watch Lewis's special the longest Like BOR. Now if you had tea in you in you, you would be across this table right now. We'd have to stop this podcast. The only tea Lewis has is LGBTQ. That's fun. Or whatever that thing is. I'm going to beat Joe's ass today.

I'm going to start fucking him up. I'm going to show you who's the better athlete. Yeah, get your tea up, dude. That wouldn't count towards that. Wearing that bucket hat looking like a Puerto Rican sergeant slaughter. Get into it dude. Best board game for the family what do you play with Max? Monopoly. It's just easy. Do you steal? No I don't. Who cheats in Monopoly? Suck at Monopoly. Dude my ex one time she said. Did you say I suck at Monopoly? I said you suck at Monopoly. Why are you so aggressive today? Are you taking tea? Monopoly? I got $1200 in me.

Isn't that the new Disney Black Lady movie? Monopoly? Monopoly? No, I don't know. It's a funny meme on the internet. It's black Monopoly. And it's just all go to jail spaces. This podcast is getting too racist. I'm just going to come out and say how do you how do you cheat monopoly? You're the bank, steal money. Yeah, you steal money.

Yeah. There's also everyone has their own rules of monopoly, like, you know, putting money in the center for that's not a thing in real monopoly rules. You know that? Right. Really? The money in the center. Yeah. Yeah. It's just supposed to be a free spot on the board. Yep. You can also I used to count off, like I would roll a six and I would go one, two, three, four, five, and then I would skip a space and land on the right. Whoa. Yeah, you gotta make sure people pay attention.

Yeah. I've never cheated at anything ever. What about on your girlfriend? Really? You cheated on your, you've cheated on girlfriends? Oh, I'm a piece of shit that way. Yeah. I'm talking board games. I love board games. You said you never cheated ever. On anything. Games. This would have been my ex. You've never never cheated ever. On anything. My ex. You've never

cheated? We were playing. Now? Oh. Soda cheats on his girl. Soda cheats on his girl. We're talking about a board game. You've never cheated on a woman? No. Like once when I was drunk, like in 2009. What was his name? It's not funny. You're gay. It gets better. It gets better. It does. Once your asshole gets used to it. Yeah, dude. Dude, shit start feeling awesome. Dude, I bet a shit feels so good for a gay guy. Or does it just get you horny? It feels good. Being horny is good. You think a shit coming out feels good? I think it feels great for him.

Feels good for me. I would suck it in and out like I would drink high C with my spit. I'd be like. Oh, they go thank you. Oh, then I start coming and then I'd be like. What did your ex do? What did your filthy ex do on Monopoly?

We, she had me really horny one time and then she was like, all right, I'm not gonna let you fuck me unless you promise that every time we play Monopoly with your family, you'll cheat for me to make me win What the fuck and yeah, then I agreed to do it and then I never played Monopoly with the family Because I couldn't like I couldn't do that to them But then you just horned up a little horned up and I was like fine, whatever you need What's your go-to monopoly token? I don't play unless I'm the hat.

I like the dog. I like the car. Cars goes. As it goes. Use the noose. There's no noose. That's a clue. There was.

I wish you would use the noose. That's a clue. What are the elements? Can we name all of them? It's the hat, the hat. The hat. The top hat. No the hat, the hat, the top hat. The thumb, not thumbtack. Thimble.

Thimble. The kiss from Peter Pan, bitch. Thimble, there was the iron. Iron's cool. Dane Cook had that joke. We were so poor we had to use that iron, which is damn funny. Dane Cook sort of was hilarious, to be honest. So unbelievably funny.

People hate on him. Back in the day, he was so fucking funny. God damn it, dude. Vicious Circle was a great special, period. And then everything before that was great. And then it all fell apart. What the fuck? Hey, you said we had no fucking thing. And that's what we're doing. We're naming it. It's a photo, stupid. The car, the hat. No, I got them all, guys. The battle ship, the wheelbarrow. The guy with the horse.

You remember the old cannon? The old wartime cannon, the warship. That's what that is, dude. By the way, that, I never knew it was a cannon. What I thought that was, was it might not be. Whatever they spin, like- It's a 100% a cannon. But I didn't know.

We don't know, actually. It is a cannon. Well, what I thought it was, was what they spin like a yarn. Oh, like this thing with the foot pedal. Yeah, remember Rumpelstiltskin? He came in and he was like spin gold or whatever. Yeah, a yarn spinner. A yard spinner.

It's a spinner. Whatever that thing is. That's what I thought that was. A loom. Is it a loom? What is that? Is that what that is? No, a lesbian. Shut up, lesbian. Leave it to loom? What is that? Is that what that is? No, but that's what it is.

Shut up, lesbian. Leave it to a lesbian. I'm so mad you pulled this up. We're playing a game. A fucking ship, you cocksucker. Worst game. The fuck. Playing this game with these guys, am I right?

You're like the guy that Googles it when you're like, name 30 Tom Cruise movies, and you're like Top Gun. Go fume yourself, Dan. No, I don't want to fume myself. Actually, I do, because some of us have been working with them since 2021, and it's been amazing to watch fume grow. Fume fills the void that ditching a bad habit leaves behind by giving you something to reach

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Everybody on the team is a huge fan, but my flavor, I do love that spearmint ice. I love a good spearmint ice, fume. Fume is even great. I'm old, I like licorice. Yeah, a good spearmint ice. Fume. Fume is even- I'm old, I like licorice. Yeah, you do. You like the old soda shops. Boomer.

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That's trifume, F-U-M, dot com slash REGS, R-E-G-Z, and use the code REGS to get a free gift with your order today. And back to the show. What do you think, because Dane, people give him shit, one of the funniest comics around, hilarious, killed, but what do you think happened? Was it his standup?

Got too big. And then he got unfunny. It's not being cool to like him. It's gonna happen to Schultz. I mean, but he got out. It's not gonna happen to any of us. He out-aged his audience. I'm gonna be exactly at this got, he got, he out. It's not going to happen to any of us. He out aged his auto. I'm going to be exactly at this level for the rest of my career.

Soda is the only one at risk of getting pushback eventually. I can't wait for soda. Soda pushback. Just going to cruise. What if it's been the other way? Everybody loves you. Shut up. No, but what, see?

Dan can't take compliments. Everybody what? Dan can't take compliments. Everybody what? Dan can't take compliment. Yeah. Why can't you take a compliment? You start complimenting him? I've never heard anybody say that word. You're vanilla and everyone likes you're easy to swallow shit. How can you, how can you be mad at saying everybody likes you? Thank you, edge Lord. Why do you get mad at that? What? Why do you get mad when somebody

says everybody likes you? Cause I don't believe it. Well, why are you getting mad at me for it? I'm not mad at you. Why do you get mad when somebody says everybody likes you? Because I don't believe it. Well, why are you getting mad at me for it? I'm not mad at you. The bell of truth. That's not a thing. That's not a bell of truth from now on. Yeah, I like that. Everybody loves Dan. Bell of truth. Except Dan. Oh, oh, oh, you know what? Piece of shit.

Bobby doesn't like Bobby doesn't love Dan anymore. Fucking dumbass, Dan. All right, leave it. Remember when Bobby would literally start punching you in the face for doing something like that in a studio? No. Hey, I've changed. You have changed, thank you.

I've changed. Thank you for no longer striking me. My tea is. His tea dropped off. My tea's 400 too. He used to have a capital T, but now it's a lowercase T. Hey. I'm gonna spill the tea.

I don't know. I'm gonna spill the tea. You know what it is, I'm a little sweaty and I want to. But I do want to get outside. So I saw an oral testosterone, which will this is if we suck it out of a guy's dick. They're going to end up sponsoring the show one day. Probably. Oh, come on.

Get it now. Because I want to start. Apparently, so here's the thing when you inject testosterone, apparently it shrinks your balls. So what? I already have small balls. I have big balls. Ari needs some testosterone.

I took a piss the other day sitting down and I peed on my own nuts. Why'd you pee sitting down? Because I pee sitting down sometimes. I was taking a shit. Oh. I was shitting and then I peed. You added the shit late that makes you think there was no shit. I did.

There was no shit. I think you changed the story. There was no shit, Bobby. Buddy, here's the thing. Nobody, I took a pee sitting down. I did. I noticed that too. There was no shit. I think you changed the story. There was no shit, Bobby. Buddy, here's the thing. Nobody says I took a pee sitting down the other day. You weren't there.

No, everyone pees a little bit in the shit. Fine. I got video. You want to see the video? Why would you take video? Bobby, I know how you shit. I'm your friend. Thank you, buddy.

I was sitting down taking a shit. I had to pee. My thing was hanging a little bit and I pissed on my own balls. Wasn't hanging very far. Because my balls are big. are big I got big ball you get tiny wean when you're pooping or do you get fat mine gets tiny man gets mine fucking sucks right in my when I take a shit mine plumps up nice when I shitter come my balls get really close to my body so does my dick my balls just got close to my bodies when you said that I would think that you have large testicles so

what happens when you have low T what would think that you have large testicles. So what happens when you have low T? What does that mean? I have one small ball, one bigger ball. No, one small ball, one bigger ball, and the one small ball is always hugging my body. I would have bet you said yes. Scared to come out. I don't want to.

I don't want to leave. Lewis has balls. You don't want to make me leave? And my other big ball's like, come on, come out of here. Come on, it's fine, you know all these people. You gotta get that checked out. That might be bald disease. What the fuck?

I'm going to say if he had any improv skills, we he could have really got. I'm dying. You got one ball. I just got balls. What Bobby? Balls balls. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball.

I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball.

I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball.

I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I'm not a ball. I out as a team. We're all friends. So do you feel symptoms? Do you feel? Yeah, you can't. You don't have energy. I'm tired in the gym.

For me, it's just being in the gym. It just doesn't feel like you're used to. Like, this is really something that I need to read. That's just like an ad read. When I go to the gym, I just don't feel like an old man. But you're also getting older. You're 42. I know.

That's when you forget things. Yeah, but back in the day, our grandfather would shoot steroids. Energy levels, mood depression, anxiety, mood swings, muscle mass, reduced lean muscle, body hair, sexual health, less sex drive, erectile dysfunction, low sperm count, body hair, all right, decreased bone health. You get body hair. That's not body hair, that's head hair.

Bone or health. Yeah. Let's go down to tea. I'm good. We need a tea sponsor. Yeah. According to these, I got plenty of tea. You probably have high tea. I think's go to tea. We need a tea sponsor. Yeah, according to these I got plenty of tea You probably have high tea. I think I got good tea I bet I think I have average tea. No, you got good tea cuz your hair you can tell by all the fucking hair on you

Yeah, but I'm also taking the hair pill You take a pill to grow hair. Well, I take like the pill to keep my hair take a pill. Let me say it To keep what my hair or the pills your hair. Take a pill to keep my hair. Let me see it. To keep what, my hair or the pill? Let me see your hair. I thought you got the space wig. Yeah, I got hair tits up on the front. But then in the back, you got. How can anyone not like you?

Everybody loves you. Yeah, except me. I like it. I think it was Freudian. No. Yeah. The bell goes, Adam. It was perfect.

The bell was like, you love yourself. No, I don't. Working on it. Whose phone. The bell goes, Adam. It was perfect, the bell was like, now you love yourself. No, I don't. Working on it. Whose phone is on? Sorry, boy. Whose phone do you think it is? Whose phone has it been for 15 years? The assholes.

Well, last time you were out of control with the phone. I think we should lock him up. We get it. Not Lewis, the phone. But that's not a bad idea. We used to lock up the phones back in the day, which was awesome. Oh, do you remember getting caught

looking at your phone by Bobby? How scary that was. Yeah, you'd have a shoe thrown at you. Oh my God, it was so scary. I've changed. There's no way this episode can't be called I've changed. Cause he just keeps going back to it. I've changed, my tea is love.

There's restaurants now that'll lock up your phones before you go in, which I think that's great. Are you gonna date with a chick and she's got her fucking phone out and she's looking at it, I'll be like. There's restaurants that have little shelves for your phone. Stop pointing at your fucking logo.

I know what you're trying to do right now. No, there's restaurants that have shelves. It's crazy these restaurants. Also, don't forget to check out the Like A W D feed. Will you please make a regs fucking mosaic, please? Who is that guy who? That thing's badass. That's awesome.

This guy is amazing. Danny, you have a site? Reg's fucking mosaic. Who is that guy? That thing's badass. Look at that, that's awesome. This guy is amazing. Danny, you have a sight? Just get the fucking sight. I could have said that, Nick Quad. Ted is something. Ted is something. Ted is something mosaic. Thank you. He makes these beautiful.

You're gonna put the mosaic for us there. We'll get a Reg's mosaic for the show. That's beautiful. And it lights up in the back. See the little lights? It's amazing. He's amazing. Get it right. Get away, Ted. Get away Ted. This guy. Look at that. Wow. Whoa. A lot of cool ones. Oh, you did all these? These are all fucking LA f***s though. You're the only cool one. Sorry. I'm trying

to start podcast wars again. Are you? I'm sick of it. Who are you trying to drum it up with? Wait till you start taking tea. Ideally, who would the Legion of Skanks take on next? Well, I feel like we have to start attacking Austin a little bit more. Why don't you? Why don't regs attach a little bit of skanks? You have to fight yourself. Oh, yeah. I'll be honest with you. You guys don't want that heat. Now you're right. Our fan base is crazy. We have like nice fans

that are going to go to the regs. We join up with the Legion of Skanks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We don't want that. Like the Wanderers? Yeah, it's gonna be, our fans turn into like baby reindeer. They're just at the bus station outside of your house, rocking back and forth, talking to themselves. You're like, who would you take on in Austin?

Can't start with the Kings of MS. No, you can't. You gotta start, you do have to, the biggest and baddest, you have to, well, you go to jail, Bobby knows this from Juvie, you fucking go in to the biggest, biggest, black biggest and baddest, you have to, well you go to jail, Bobby knows this from Juvie, you fucking go in to the biggest, biggest, blackest, baddest motherfucker, and you smash him in the face with your fucking lunch tray. Don't come after Tuesdays with Stories.

No. No. No. Tuesdays with Stories is the fucking little trans guy that everyone's raping who's holding the pocket of that one dude. Damn, how did you feel about that? I don't know, it's kind of fizzled out anyways,

didn't get a big reaction. It really fizzled. Who would you take on in Austin, Legion of skanks? What about Kil Tony? That's the biggest guy He's the biggest one. It's not really a podcast though. It is a podcast. It's not a podcast. It's a show. It's a show Would you go after Rogan? Rogan doesn't want this heat You don't think Rogan? No, no, when I say he doesn't want this heat he doesn't answer my text messages No, when I say he doesn't want the CD, he doesn't answer my text messages. So I'm assuming that he doesn't want this. Have you ever, have you ever text him like something and you're like, ah, this is, this is a good one.

This, I, you know, and then nothing. Yeah. And then you have that with friends and it drives me nuts. It does. Who does that as a friend? That I'll text something like a joke. List barely responds. What?

Yeah. List barely fucking answers the phone. Yeah. List is horrible at responding to texts. That's not true. That's ridiculous. fucking answers the phone. Yeah. I'm a list. This is horrible. Responding to texts. That's not true. That's ridiculous. Let me look through. Yeah. All over the text. Lewis is probably the best responder and you I say you too. I was the first you answered the phone, which is great. Yeah, I'll pick up. Yeah, you pick up. I was good. You

didn't pick up for a while. You had to every fucking text in here. Half of these are mine. Look how big mine are. Mine are big and juicy, big, thick. I have like, look at that. That's you and me. We have a really good rapport. Look at this. I'm on, I'm responding to every single text. Long responses. Can you renege please? I renege. I mean, look at this dirty. I didn't get back to Joe lifts. I'm sorry. No, you're right. You know what? Hey, Joe? Love you. Hey, Joe? Yeah. I've changed.

Yeah. Joe, I've changed. Literally, I can't find a text I didn't respond to. I'm wrong. I literally can't find one I'm not responding to. You're right. That's crazy. Joe, but you are out of all of these.

He's awesome. He'll even, if he doesn't pick up the phone, he'll text you, I'm here, I'm doing this, what's up? Lewis is phenomenal. He's fantastic. You pick up the phone, you're great. Joe, the worst. Wow, how? First of all, I just proved I'm doing this. What's up? Lewis is phenomenal. He's fantastic you pick up the phone. You're great Joe the worst Wow, how I first of all, I just proved I'm great. I'm gonna do it again. Let me go to Bobby Bobby I initiated this tech set you a cigar look at text text text from me text from me photo of me

Text text. Yeah text back and forth. I mean well look at this Boom boom boom, I mean I'm saying go back to my room way more text for me. Literally. There's more text for me I'm a caller. I don't like testing I call you never answer the phone Big J is pretty bad at texting back. The worst. Texts me back all the time. He does? Doesn't text me back.

Yeah, he actually, it's a bonfire thing. He just doesn't like you. By the way, I think Lewis isn't that great at responding to thieves. I don't like you. Is this the next podcast war? Well, I also, if I don't have anything to say in that moment, like I'll be like, all right, well, I'll get back to them

later and I'll never get back to them later. That's why I don't get offended when Rogan doesn't text me back. And I, and cause I genuinely, if I text somebody two times and they don't text me back, I'm like, all right, that person's dead to me and I'll never communicate. I was just thinking response to and everyone was disagreeing with me. No, no, but it's crazy. You can't, you can't be that way. But first off, everybody's got their phones all the time and I was, I've texted a friend a bunch and he hasn't gotten back to me. And I'm like, well, then I'm done. By the way, I have my phone a lot less now because I have the baby.

So I'm very present with him. I'm very good about not having my phone with me. But it depends how close they are to you. It can't be just a rando comment. No, no, no, but someone who you don't know for a very long time. Joe, you can't use a baby as a phone. He's like, hello? Hello? The baby's like, ahhh.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Probably, beep, beep. Probably gonna get some good laughs though. Gonna get some good giggles out of the baby. Also, I don't like, in this day and age- I'm very sad you didn't do the giggles, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In this day and age, just a missed call is not enough for a callback. You gotta miss call and go,

hey, I was just calling to say this, or I need this. If I get a missed call, I assume it was a pocket dial every time, so I wait for the second call. I love, Dan St. Germain does a great thing, where if he calls you and you don't pick up, he'll send you a missed call, I assume it was a pocket dial every time, so I wait for the second call. I love, Dan St. Germain does a great thing where if he calls you and you don't pick up, he'll send you a text going, this is what I was calling you about. That's exactly what you need. Yeah, that's exactly what you need. If I'm gonna call you out, it's because I want to talk to you, how you been.

You do a thing. Nobody... You do a thing, and I think it's on purpose. What? You leave voicemails like this. No, no, this isn't on purpose. You go, I don't really get it. That's not a fat animal. Yeah.

Porpoise is very fat. No, porpoises are fat. No, no, no, porpoises. No, the dolphins. I thought dolphins this weekend. They're fatty. It was fun. You're fat too.

You do this. This is what you do. What do I do? Hang on one minute, you're fat. This is the voicemail. Joe, call me. Yes. Like that. And then you'll follow up with aail. Joe, call me. Yes. Like that.

And then you'll follow up the text that says, call me. It's wrong like this. Oh my God. Hold these shit. Anxiety through the roof. Hello, and you know it causes anxiety. But it's important. You know it.

But it's important. If it's important, you'd say, give me a call. It's important. Nothing serious. That's unimportant. If it's nothing serious, I've called you and just let it go. No, no. Important and serious are different. But I've called you and let it go. I've just called you, you didn't answer, I just let it go.

Sometimes, and I call back, I called back recently. Well, whatever, but I'm saying when I say, hey dude, call me, it's because- You don't say, hey dude, call me, you say, call me. All right, call me, and then I'll call, hey dude, call me. But you know- But I- I think when your girlfriend, when you come home- You know that's a serious fact.

Or if you get a text message from your girlfriend, she's like, hey, we have to talk. Oh, no, no one can write that. You can't write that. If I get that, you cannot write that in 2024. You may never see me again. 2024, you cannot write that sentence in effect. I have a friend that writes, can I ask you something? We should also text a friend, we have to talk and see what their response is.

If Don never texts me, I just pack my bags and go to New Hampshire and leave. How do you feel about, can I ask you something? No, I don't. Why? Bad. Yeah, I don't. Why? Bad. Yeah, you don't know. I'll see you, I'll see that and I'll raise you, someone that just texts, hey. That's horrible. That's horrifying.

Justin Silver. I'm like, did he die? Is that his ghost? Justin Silver will just text, hey buddy. Well, because some people are one in a time tech. My sister-in-law is like this. She'll text like this, hey Joe, what are you doing Friday? What's that? That's the vibration. And it's a good vibration. And it goes like this, hey Joe, what are you doing Friday?

What's that? That's the vibration. And it's a good vibration. And it goes like this. I just didn't know what it was. Because it's Sarah's birthday, and I want to go out to eat, and we should get dessert. And I love her, but she's like, that's nine tech. What is that?

That's a text elephant. Vroom vroom. Vroom vroom. Here it comes. I think I can do it. I think I've got a better sound than, than, than, what's your name again? Do it. That's better.

That's a Texel. That's a Texel. Listen, I do the best one. No, that's a car skidding. That's how Bobby actually breathes. That's a car skidding. This is an elephant. Pull up.

I think Bobby might have you. Pull up a... I think Bobby might have you. That is, that sounds a little bit like a balloon letting air out. Exactly. That's not elephant. That's fun, but it's not elephant. That's your asshole. Elephant.

But that's not elephant. Elephant sounds. Here we go. I'm pulling up elephant sounds. Oh, we can't play elephant sounds on the computer? They have a fucking thing. They have elephant titus in the fingers. This is 5.5 million videos.

That's good. That's good. That's me. That's Bobby. Are you playing the sound of Bobby? I can do it. That's him pissing. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! You guys are wrong. That's me, your're new teeth. You can't do it. That just sounds like

a retard. You're getting worse at it though. You're now you're trying to emulate that sound. You did the generic, you know, pull the string. That's what sent us the elephant. That was pretty good right there. He got better. Joe's better than me. Hello. Joe's got a better elephant than you. Hang on. Joe's got it. Yeah, you're doing it with zen in your mouth. That's the problem. Hang on.

Hang on. Your methods all wrong. Hang on, hang on. Hang on. You sound like Dizzy Gillespie had a stroke. Yeah, stop. You're gonna give me a stroke. Bobby's gonna have an aneurysm. That's a car's a car crash a perfect car crash. I was a good actor though

I see him turning into the elephant Like looking at me, I just took water into my trunk. I remember everything Yeah, call me he's gotta go you gotta stop at the call me buddy change do you need to change listen? Yeah, I'd love to catch up, I wanna chat, I'm having some trouble. Just call, what the fuck is wrong? Call me. What's wrong with call me?

Call me makes it sound like an emergency. It's not crazy. If I say call me, it's, but you're missing, It sounds like a problem. But you're missing the point. When I say call me, I need you to call me. It's never not been something, not serious, but say, hey dude, about this, about what

we're going to do on Tuesday, blah, blah. It's never been, hey buddy, how are you? It's always been, I need you to call me. Bobby's not a call him bullshit guy. There's you, and it's not in the same way. There's a task, there's a goal for the call. There's a reason for the call. Yes.

Right. But let me- You're like a fruity tooty fucking, oh hey, how's your day going? Let me There's a reason for the call. Yes, right, but let me like a fruity tootie fucking Oh, hey, how's your day going? Let me say that Okay, we're doing a you guys have a balloon party ask I've Selfa evil energy. Let me ask you this my new energy drink Let me say this So but here's the thing why you're married to this call me He's married to your you want to keep the call me

The name is dawn on me made me where you where your friends We're the ones on the receiving end some of you are expressing to you that it makes us feel Sad and Dan when I say call me when I do if you come at him like that He's gonna just agree with whatever you say if I listen to me. I was very look at me. Look at me. Look at me Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I say look at me when I say call me We can all beat you up except for Joe now I feel like me and Dan can fucking light you up I have the second most who could be a training You could beat me up and Dan could beat me up. I think Dan could probably you're out of a fight him at Skankfest. I've been, I will fight you

for years. I don't do that. Joe, you Joe, you Dan, I'm not going to feed you. It's a podcast. Why are you guys doing this? I got reached. stamina, training. So I just go, I'm starting to alert. What are you, what are you a mark? Flash out. Yes, I am a mark. He's not getting close. But, Psst, psst, psst. Dude, I'm not gonna fight you fair.

I'm gonna bite your Achilles, rip your nose up. You won't be able to get close enough. Stick my finger in your eye and then suck the cock. Look at my length. Yeah, you got length, dude. Look at this. I got length and fucking five years of training. It's like five years of training.

You're gonna bite his Achilles? It's like, dude, cover your Achilles in hot sauce. I'm going to get down there. You think you can. That's the most fat jokes you've ever done. He weighs 180 pounds. Oh, I want to get him fat. I want to get him fat.

You want me to get fat again? You, there's no, Lewis, Lewis would be a problem. Lewis, you need a weapon. You need to suck a punch. You need to go, Lewis, I'm sorry. And he turns around. I'm a donkey. And as soon as you have to hit him with something, you not a problem. You, you have some weird rage in you that comes out once in a while, but I still would have no problem with you.

We've talked about this before. You'd have a problem with rage. I would have no problem. You might win, but you'd have a problem. You'd throw a punch and break all your bones in your hands. You have no idea. Like Mr. Glass. You have no idea how strong I am. Look at those little tiny fucking things. We've talked about this before. Rage is not advantage bones in your hands. You have no idea like mr. Glass. You have no idea Look at those little tiny fuckers talk about this war rage is not advantageous in a fight. I'm

Raining yeah, I'm not years on what first of all the idea that Lewis would quote be a problem Lewis Would fucking do whatever he wanted to you stop it. He would be a problem. He yeah, you would lose. Yes Okay, be a pro. Say that this is worse than call me. He would say Lewis would beat the fuck out of me any way he wanted to be. He would be a problem. That is a problem. I would be a problem. You would not be a problem to anybody. Lewis could beat you. Joe Russell could take you. Joe, come on. What are you doing here? What are you doing? Joe, Joe, you would not last a second.

Call Diego Lopez. Dude, you would not last a second. Call Diego Lopez. Dude, I'll fight you any day. All right, let's fight. Set it up. Set it up, Luis. Joe Russell, have you been in a fight? Never. Never. Joe Russell Terrier.

To be fair, there are weight classes. Dude, set it up. Set it up, Skankfest. Skankfest. What do you weigh? I weigh 220. I'll gain 75 pounds so we can fight. You're 150? Yeah. You are a fucking... You're a doll. I weigh 185. You're a damsel in distress. Set it up. It's got the weight of a thick lady. Whoa! If you could reach me that would be a problem.

You don't want that. You could hold your head like this. One punch you're gonna go huh. I absolutely want to see this. Let's Bobby. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'm talking boxing or MMA? Boxing. With Lewis is the ref and me what do you want to do? I'm gonna get a crisp. Hang on what do you want to do? Hold on I'm gonna get a crisp white tuxedo and be the ring announcer. As my fight trainer said many years ago The fighter with more rules is the weaker fighter you want a box. I want to do MMA whoever has the most rules Dude, I want to the less fight. I kind of want to see so boxing my right I Mean Bobby would you ever? Are we having an actually serious conversation right now?

Are we having an actually serious conversation right now? No! Serious answer? No, not having a serious conversation. Then no, no rule, bare knuckle boxing. That'd be sick. MMA. Hey, how's this? Let's dip our hands in honey and then in glass and I'll fuck you like that.

Dude, you took me out. You knew this was going to do this to me. Dude, I lost a molar. Son of a bitch, I'm biting rope. I broke a tooth on rope because I was eating the honey off it. God, dude, I thought it was going to be glue. It would have been better if it was glue. No, if you connected, it would be a problem.

But if I get you on the ground, forget it. Honey is healthy. I can eat honey. Look at these arms. Dude, you're Joe. Nighty night. You're not going to get it. Yeah, I would. Honestly, my only to get it. Yeah, if you...

Honestly, my only chance against any of you guys is if headbutts are legal. And then I'm fucking shit up. Cause your nose is already flat. Also my head will just fucking send you to next week. MMA, I would love to see that. I think Lewis could beat up any two of us combined. Like a fight. Two versus one. I've actually fought Lewis. I a fight, two versus one.

I've actually fought Lewis. I've done, not fought him, we did Jiu-Jitsu together. It's a different strength. There's a different, he's got a, like that. I'm not even that good at Jiu-Jitsu, but if you don't know Jiu-Jitsu. No, I'm better at Jiu-Jitsu than you. If you don't know Jiu-Jitsu, it's impossible.

I love that. He didn't even take that as anything. Well, people talk shit, it's like, no, no, you can't, like, like, I don't care how much UFC you've watched. If you don't do jiu-jitsu and you go against somebody who has a blue belt, which I have a blue belt, you're going to get fucked. I have a brown belt. It's just, no, your belt's just dirty.

It was just in your ass. Kind of stuttered slightly, but I think it affected it. Gentlemen, let's take a quick moment and thank Small Batch Cigar for supporting today's show. We love Small Batch Cigar. Let me tell you something. When I first started smoking cigars, first of all, cigar lounges were hard to find. You couldn't get them. And when you went in there, it was kind of a little twaddy, upper-class, elitist thing.

Now cigars... You feel like an asshole to even ask the guy, like, what do I want a cigar? What do you say to a guy? Well, they go like this. What are you looking for? It's like going to Sam Ash. I'm going to learn to play an instrument there were dicks now it's easy it's made easy with this company right here not only does the cigar come to you quick easy fast the the selection

is incredible and if you don't want to pick which is hard to what do I want to get they'll just send you stuff you know in it with the Boveda packet inside it's its own little humidor in a Ziploc bag. They wanted to make it easy and they wanted quality premium cigars, not hacky crappy ones. By the way, I don't know shit about cigars and they send me packages every month now and I get excited now and I send you pictures, Bobby's like, that one, that one, that one, that one. How many amazing cigars are there? And you don't get any. I'm a cigar guy. What is going on?

You haven't gotten any? I haven't gotten any. Come on. I love this company. Everything about it is right up my alley. I can't believe Sara didn't get it for Father's Day. It's the perfect birthday gift for a cigar smoker. Porch Pirates is stealing your stupid cigars. No, I think it's just disrespect. No, Louis has never stolen a cigar. I have too many cigars. I'm just flinging them at the neighbors. Well, if you sign up for it, you get free shipping on every single order. Almost

every order delivers in two to three days. If it's something special, it might take four days, but that's it. Free Bavita packs included with every purchase. By the way, you need those. You can never have too many of them. I keep running out of them. They dry up and then my cigars go bad. They send you one on every single purchase. The most thorough packaging in the industry. Use code REGS. Discount for 10% off plus 5% reward points. Can we get Joe some cigars? Please! Can we get Joe some cigars? I can give you some of mine. No, how about we get Joe his own delivery? Thank you. Alright, there you go. Where were we? Ugh. Why don't we do it? I have a brown belt. We could edit it. I have a brown belt. A-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- I'll smash you into dust. You can't learn and compete in MMA

like in a short amount of time. You can do it in boxing. That's why I would say if you guys actually did it, you should box. Because... Yeah, let's box. I feel like Bobby would box like this. Like old timey.

Let's box. Like, because I did an MMA fight against Ryan O'Neil and it was short notice. And now what I know about fighting is like, there's no really learning. You can't learn jujitsu in three months. You can't like, there's just, yeah, it's just not happening. Who in comedy would give you a good fight?

Joe Rogan. No, but Rogan would mop Lewis up. I'm talking about. Anybody who's got a purple belt in jujitsu, and there's a lot of them. Outside of the guys that fought professionally. Joey Diaz would beat the shit out of him. I bet Brendan Heer, that guy would be problematic.

Who? Brendan Heer? I know Brendan, no, I'd beat Brendan Heer. Really? I think so, Brendan Heer, that guy would be problematic. Who? Brendan Heer? I know Brendan, no, he wouldn't be, I'd beat Brendan. Really? I think so, yeah. He's very strong and a purple belt. Diego Lopez? Oh, he's a purple belt?

I believe so. Would Diego Lopez? I stopped training, I think he was, I think he was, when I was training, yeah, Diego would fuck me up. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not tough, I don't want to have a conversation about how tough I am.

No, you are, dude. You're tough. Like, I train, I'm tough again compared to people that don't train. Anybody who trains, I'm the No, you are, dude. You're tough. Like, I train, I'm tough again compared to people that don't train. Anybody who trains, I'm the least tough guy in the gym. The boxing gym, literally, is just people beating me. I spar almost every day now, and it's just me getting lit the fuck up.

Do you get your bell rung? Hey, push your hips. My jaw fucking really hurts today. Are you worried about- It was after training. Are you worried about getting, like, brain damage later? CTE. Sparring all the time like that?

No, I don't think, I mean, I'm not really getting fucking. Have you got rocked? I got rocked a few times. Today I specifically got rocked where I felt like, like the lights go off a little. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when the lights go out and you're still on your feet,

it's pretty nuts. We're gonna do it. In football you'd get hit and you'd be like, oh, I can't see anything but my legs are still. We're gonna be doing the regs, he's gonna, Lewis is just gonna be sitting there like. You know what it was? Have you ever done.

He goes, I think it's mad. I told you. We have to give him the bell for real. You hit that five times. Manchurian candidate. Did the, no, but like it felt like, have you ever like, you know in middle school where you do the thing where you hyperventilate. Yeah. Like that where you pass out. like that yeah it literally I got hit and it felt like I was gonna pass out like that like I

that was that was the first time I ever felt bad thought about not doing that to the kid no Lewis's eventual suicide isn't that your brain just smashing against your skull yeah that's not good that's not good um you know it's the first time that I've been rocked like that ever Yeah, baby fights as well. Like I've never been rocked But once you get once you once your button gets pushing isn't it all down same things You heard Joe Rogan say on a fucking UFC broadcast. I'll say whatever I want to say once your button gets pushed Doesn't it go downhill from there doesn't it? Hey, it takes time it does I want to say, once your button gets pushed, doesn't it go downhill from there, doesn't it? I thought you changed. I was just gonna say that.

I thought you changed. Hey, it takes time. It does. I'll do another latte. I don't think you should be doing this. Lattes, they're fine. No, he's talking about the head, getting punched in the head. You should be sparring at like 50% or something.

No, we usually do. Okay, maybe you need testosterone then. 50% knock you out. I need testosterone, I'm getting fucked up. Dude, we usually do. Okay. Maybe you need testosterone then. 50% knocked you out. I need testosterone. I'm getting fucked up. Dude, you are on too much testosterone. It's going to be a nightmare. No, it will mellow him out.

What? Don't wink at me. Wrong camera. Wrong camera, Robert. Just cuts to me fucking stealing the cameras from here. Got a fucking T-Rex eye. All right, is this one glued in? I'm worried about you.

What are you worried about, Joe? You're getting punched in the fucking head. Joe, what he's talking about happened to me weekly at football practice in high school. Yeah, dude. People train. It was a long time ago. People train. Yeah, dude. You get, I mean...

You weren't 42 years old. You didn't have a child. I was 15 getting rocked. Joe, it's not like I'm not fighting like on a professional level, like I'm fighting on like a... Like a get knocked unconscious before a podcast. Who are you fighting? Ish. I said I got my bell rung and I felt a little bit like,

ooh, okay. Yeah, you felt like the lights were going out. Yeah, not permanently. Bobby, do you want to feel that? From you? Whoa. Dude. Psst, psst.

Oh, wow. Little taste of it. Look at it. Bobby's even built like that. That probably hurt your hand. Honestly? Dude, I lost weight. He goes, I have to go to the bathroom.

It didn't not hurt. No, it was a joke. We're doing Jokey. I'll fight both of you at the same time. It didn't not hurt If I only had the nerve Joe You know, it looks like the cowardly life of Aaron Berg. Joe, what was the last fight you got into? Fifth grade. I mean, real fight or just sparring at the gym? Real fight. Fifth grade. What happened?

My best friend's name was Jeff Meehan. Shout out Jeff. Jeff Meehan. Still around. And we started talking, like, what if we fought? What do you think would happen if we fought? Exactly like this, by the way. That's how it started?

Yeah. And I was like, I think I would win. And he's like, no, I would. And he was like a tough kid. And I was like, no, I think I would win. I've never fought ever. Has he fought before? Yeah. He was like a tough kid. Were you being funny? It started off funny. It was jokey. And then it's like one of those things that just kept going. And then it got serious. And then it was like, all right, we're going to fight. And I was like, oh, okay. And this all is in the moment, where were you guys at? School? This is lunch at cafeteria. And then recess was after the cafeteria.

And then I kind of just threw like a jabby thing because I'd watched fighting. I understood you did this. Yeah. And then he just caught me with a hook in the temple. Temple. And I was like this, all right, all good. All set.

And then we went back and we like shook hands and we're like, okay, that was great. That's so funny. I was like, you got it. And we're good. But it was And then we went back and we shook hands and we're like, okay, that was great. That's so funny. I was like, you got it. And we're good. But it was like a bare knuckle. When you're fifth grade, it doesn't matter, you're fighting a fifth grader. It's the same.

Yeah, you're like 10. You're both 10 years old. And he just fucking rocked me. And I was like, oh, I don't. They probably have the same amount of testosterone as we have right now. No need for that. You're the winner. And that was it. Last time you were're in a fight first time and last time. I think full fight. Here we go. Yeah. Wow. Fifth grade. Yeah. So how about you? You've never been in a fight. Yeah. He's never been in a fight. That's great. But I've been in that standard that you never really had a drinking problem. This is all retarded. These are little boy things that happen. He's just like my dad. Why you think

I should never had a dad? Sure he was around till I was five. When was the last time you got into a fight? Eighth grade. Who was it? One of the kids in the group that I hung out with spit on my jersey and I spit back in his face. He threw a punch. I ducked it, hit him.

Slipped. Slipped the punch, got on top. They're slipping and there's ducking. Full ground and pounded him. Was on, hit him. Slipped. Slipped the punch, got on top. Oh, no. They're slipping and there's ducking, Jeff. Full ground and pounded him. Was on top of him. He kept grabbing my wrists, which was making me mad. Wrist control. And I was trying to slip out and punch him.

Wrist control, yeah. He was getting wrist control. And then his friend, a mutual friend of ours, punched me square in the side of the head. Why? It was called, um. Puerto Rican? I was going to say something racist.

But he hit me in the side of the head, and then the cops pulled up. And we were. Cops? The cops were there. But he hit me in the side of the head and then the cops pulled up. Cops? The cops were there? We were in the front of the school and we started fighting in like the grass of the school and a lady nearby like fucking flagged down a cop and he pulled up in the grass. It was pretty aggressive. Hardcore.

And then we were like, no, we were wrestling. We just said we were wrestling, but we fought. Oh yeah, I was just playing with my friend. I was about to slam him. It's funny when authority comes in and you're like, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going, but we fought. Oh yeah, I was just playing with my friend. I was about to slam him. It's funny when authority comes and then you just become friends again.

Well, I remember going like, are you cool? And he's like, yeah, are you cool? And then it was weird. What about, what about? What if you guys both were just like, dude, we're gonna go to jail for this, fuck it. We were like 13. What about the kid that hit you on the side of the head?

Yeah. He just sucker punched you? Yeah, he just sucker punched me. And then I was with one of my, I was with my... That's why Dan's nose looks that way. I was with my best friend, and then we left. Me and my best friend left, and we were, like, hanging out, and I go... Your boy didn't jump in?

No, that's the first thing I said. That's, like, literally now you have to beat his fucking ass. But, by the way, we walked away, and I go, why didn't you jump in? This first thing I said, I go, why didn't you jump in? Nick punched me right in the side of the head, and he goes, if I would have jumped in, they would have jumped in,

they would have all jumped us. And I was like, that's actually true. All those kids were bad kids. He was like, I was thinking about you. By the way, I completely fell for it. Okay, all right, makes sense. I completely fell for it. Corporate Dan back then.

I wasn't a corporate Dan, I was just an idiot. I was just like, oh, that makes sense. That makes complete sense. He goes, if I would have jumped in, they would have jumped all of us. That makes sense. I go, huh, my head's still ringing. Everything feels I was getting just socked

in the side of the head. I go, that's a good point, Mike. What was the last fight you got in? Real fight? Yeah. Stop asking real fight. The answer's always gonna be yes, guys. Well, I've gotten it fucking. All three of you, like real fight? No, no, no. I didn Stop asking real fight. The answer is always going to be yes, guys. Well, I've gotten it fucking. All three of you. All three of you. Like real fight? No,

no, no. I didn't say real fight. Dickhead? Well, the difference is I fight in the gym. That makes sense. Yeah, I've. You don't spar? I do spar. We spar. No, we spar. You spared once you kicked my leg, you cried. Yeah, you guys do like. A, I didn't cry. I was upset, but I reprained from crying. That's called man crying. I breathed heavy. Do we get more lattes or no? And I'll take another two, but like a medium, please. Natalie?

Oh, you're not doing camera switching because there's no camera. Natalie? I'll text you what I'd like. But no, we do spar. We spar. To text Natalie. We spar. Bobby goes to Sbarro's.

I don't get it. I got into a, I was at the Baggot Inn one night, late night. Whoa! Baggot Bean with a bean. He was in a baggott, if you know what I mean. Hello! Hey! How deep were you in that bag?

I was in the bag and this kid came up, it was close, and he goes, she's taking Natalie for the coffee, he just told everybody. You're fucking retarded, you do have CTE. He goes, I don't know. Anyways guys, I just saw my doctor testosterone. He just goes back to the beginning of the podcast. Anyways, you were beating up a gay. No, is that true?

You were doing a hate crime. You were having sex. There was a guy next to me and he started, he was like, I was let, the guy was letting me in to use the bathroom because he knows me, the bartender. This guy pulled up and he's like, what the fuck, you going in?

I was like, yeah, I'm going in. He started saying shit to me. And I was like, dude, I know the guy. He's gonna let me go to the bathroom. He's like, what the fuck, man? He started screaming at me. And I just snapped. I took it for, and I was like, shut the fuck up. I'm going to beat the fuck out of you right now. Shut the fuck up. And he kind of clammed up. And I, the guy opened the door. He let me in. He also let

him in, his friend. And I went to the, and as I was peeing, I just almost pulled my dick out. He came in, tried to sucker punch me in the back of the head. I turned, grabbed him, threw him in between the toilet and the wall at the Bag It In, and he got like this, and then I ripped the toilet seat off and just started smashing his fucking head in with the toilet seat, and then his friend came in.

That's a scene from Terminator 2. And then his friend. I don't understand something. It's a crime. His friend came in. Now I'm looking for John Connor. Turns out this other guy's looking for John Connor but he's made of liquid metal. We're in a hallway. We're smashing each other's walls. I got a box of roses. It's not really roses. It's a shotgun. So here's the thing. We end up, Chase ends up at a steel factory. Here's the thing we end the chase ends up at a steel factory. Okay, he turns into a cop He goes he slides through this boy yada yada yada So you just beat the shit out of those that I was beating him up and then his friend who was massive

They gave one of those tribal tattoos. He grabbed me by the neck pulled me off him and pulled pushed me up the wall Like off my feet, and he went, hey, enough! No, Suburban Commando, I'm telling you, he's just calling out movie scenes right now. And I went, he fucking started it! This guy, he goes, he's an asshole, I know, but you did enough, and he let me down,

and then I left, thank God, this guy would have fucking ruined me. And then he grabbed his stupid friend and left. So that was the last fight I got into. I did whip an old guy into the street on 14th and 3rd. What? Yeah. You whipped an old guy with a whip?

Late 50s, I was with Sarah, and he was drunk, and he was like really drunk, and like coming after everybody. Like Django whipped? Yeah. Like he was like, drunk and like coming after everybody. Like Django whipped? Yeah. Like he was racist. Your name is Toby. He was like drunkenly coming towards us.

He was like, ehh. He was like a wino. Is it a white guy? White guy? He was an old white guy. Oh, white guy, I think. And he got really close. The black guy's not touching him.

So I just kind of like took him and used his weight and threw him and he like skidded across in his glasses. What would you have done if a bus had just flatlined? Would you have stayed? That would have sucked. Would you have stayed or would you have been like? I would have got on the bus. But then. He across in his glasses. What would you have done if a bus had just flatlined? Would you have stayed? That would have sucked. Would you have stayed or would you have been like? I would have got on the bus. He just popped his skull.

But then the thing that sucked was, I think I told this story here before, but I kind of threw it and he just went flying and his glasses went flying and he was so drunk and then people ran to his rescue and I just looked like a fucking lunatic. But I felt, it was closer to. You should have yelled,

let that be a lesson to anyone who wants some. But it was definitely mostly his way. And he was fucking like hammered. But I was a good Sarah was like that was hot. That drunk spill though where he falls and he goes well I immediately I was like oh shit. Sorry. But now it's pretty crazy. Last fight I was in was in eighth grade. You already said's like seven guys and they surrounded me and I was like I don't think you guys want to do this like I think we do and then I went like that and you use your head was lost what you got in last week real fight real fight real sex real sex 19 he's fight? Real sex, 19. I don't know, it's been a while. He's like, well, I was the huge underdog.

The guy who was supposed to fight got hurt. They asked me to take his place. We decided to fight on New Year's Eve. On New Year's Eve, of all places, in Philadelphia. I ended up going to the district. This is Rocky, we're doing Rocky. I drink eggs. We know.

I don't know, last fist fight I was in the street. Yeah, like a fight fight. Yeah, real fight. That's why we said real fight. I like that he yelled at us for saying real fight and he did the same thing, just not saying real fight. That was my bit. That was my bit.

Yeah. I think I told that last time I was in the city, the last time I've hit somebody was that the Mexican guy that... Oh, for the cocaine use? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That the girl like, well, I said... But that wasn't really a fight. That was just... It was just me hitting a guy.

Yeah, I don't really get into fights. I've gotten like... You just end them? Boom. Hell yeah, doggy. What the fuck's that? Ooh, how does that feel now? Nice. Two hits. Yeah. You hit her and she hits the ground.

Oh, I'm having a good time. You guys are my best friends. I love you, buddy. This is real friendship. I love you. I love all you guys. Even if you forgot my birthday. I love you guys.

Oh yeah! Did we? Danny. Monday. Danny. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. You Yeah, you got it you guys are the sweetest boys of light we're gonna light it I got it That's what happens when you shame your friends What? Yeah. You want an edible? No. I don't want to do an edible right now.

Light the candle. Light the candle. You're going to make a wish. Come on, baby. Hey, did you know that song's a cover? You don't like the chocolate? My crows. Come on, let me light the candles. Mama, I'm sure the heaven now.

It's round, bong, bong, bong. Did you know that was a cover? No. Do you like your own? Yeah, you want to light it? Yeah, you don't like it. You don't want that chocolate one? It's the Bennington.

I've had the Bennington. It's pretty good. Guys, I got a good line. You want to hear it? Yeah. I don't need a lighter. I have a match. Your face in my ass. You want some candy?

Oh, I got you a present. I'll give it to you after. There it is. I make a wish, Dan. Make a wish. Make a wish. Happy, how old are you now? 41. 41.

Bobby, here, take some candy. I brought some candy in. That's drugs! No, no, no. What? He's giving you drugs. What the fuck are you doing? I'm giving him some candy. Oh my God. What are you doing?

I'll dose my friends, and I'm not going to fucking, I'm not subscribing to this don't dose your friends thing. Oh, how about we do? How about we subscribe to them? Are you having that one? Enjoy your cupcake. Enjoy your cupcake because it's filled with acid. That's the one I want.

Is that the one you want? No, no. Dan, can you eat all four of those? No, take it. No. Fuck. That's the one I want. That's good. Mwah! Is that the one you want? No, no. Dane, can you eat all four of those? No, take it. No. Fuck.

It's his birthday. That pig? I know, but you know. Well, you know what? No, take it, that's yours. No, you take it, you take it. You're an asshole. I can't have it, I got Invisalign.

He can't eat it, he'll have to take out his teeth. What is it, vanilla? Yeah, I got Invisifans. It's strawberry shortcake think that's my favorite. Yeah. The strawberries in here. Yes. It looks vanilla to me.

It said strawberry shortcake. Do you know what the strawberry one's not strawberry? That's a raspberry and it's crumberly. Obviously. The blueberry cheesecake. That's blueberry cheesecake. Obviously you fucking. Oh Dan and that's strawberry. blueberry cheesecake. That's blueberry cheesecake. That's blueberry cheesecake you fucking, ooh

Dan. And that's strawberry. Beat up Joe. Bite into that. That's the Bennington. Don't stick your finger in it. Strawberry? No. Strawberry. Wow. Whoa. Nice. Happy birthday buddy. Happy birthday Dan. Yeah, how do you feel now? Damn Dan, I feel bad that I didn't text you. I'm all right. I take it too personal. How are we supposed to know birthdays? Really? It's crazy. What?

Really? My dad always forgot my birthday. You all forgot my birthday. No, it's October 8th. I always texted you. You did. I don't know. How is it?

I know your birthday because it's April Fool. April 1st. I have an easy birthday to remember, so this is what's fucked up, man. You guys fucking remember my birthday, but you don't have memorable fucking birthdays. April 6th. Yeah, April 6th, June 24th. You said two weeks later, I heard you. It's five days. Miami's turning 88.

Five days later. It's a European two weeks. Is that a Rogan? Yeah. He doesn't even like cigars. He loves cigars. On his birthday we celebrate his birthday. Can I tell you right now?

You can't get those. Can I tell you right now? Come on. That is Joe's first genuine visceral reaction. That's crazy. You can't get those. Why? It's a Joe Rogan cigar? Yeah, you can't get those. Can I tell you right now? That is Joe's first genuine visceral reaction. That's crazy. You can't get those. Why? It's a Joe Rogan cigar? Yeah,

you can't get them. That's like the best cigar. Is it shaped like his dick? No, that'd be a Churchill. Dave and Shane just... Why did he get that? His birthday was six months ago. When was your birthday? More recently than his. Six days after mine. Why, you want one? By the way, Soder is shaming us for not knowing the birthday and then doesn't know my birthday. It's April 6th, you'd have always said that. I'll give you a rogan after we fight. Okay, winner gets the rogan. It's a funny thing to say about remembering a birthday. I've always said that about you. By the way, how about this historic event yesterday? What's the horse's work event? I was at therapy at Alan. Oh yeah. What a treat. Bobby after me. It was Soder, then me, then Bobby. It's psychotic and it's not right.

No, fine. It shouldn't be done. Three of us are getting healthy. I'm trying to take Alan down. And one of us is getting punched in the face. My fucking therapist is the shit. Okay. Her name is whatever. She's on zoom. I don't ever got to see her face to face. Honestly though, Joe, I do feel bad. I don't ever gotta see her face to face. Honestly though, Joe, I do feel bad because I was running hot after Alan. I saw Alan and Joe was like, hey, I was like, you forgot my birthday. He's like, you forgot my birthday.

He's like, I'm upset about it. He's like, you got a dumb hat. He made fun of my hat. And by the way, that's just because they're rivals with Colorado. We were saving your birthday for today. We were gonna do it on the regs. Yeah, but I text you, I apologize.

Yeah, I appreciate it. But also, I don't know birthdays. I'm not on Facebook. Anyone that texts you on their birthdays, because they're on Facebook, these assholes. You're absolved. I love you. Look up the name of my therapist.

Did you talk shit about me, too? Nope. Ah, yeah, no, I hit all the regs. Yeah, yeah. Me? By the way, I went in, and I made Alan laugh, because I go, I think this could be a bit. I was like, a guy that shames you

for forgetting their birthday is worse than forgetting the birthday. And Alan was like, ho ho ho ho ho. You're right, what a bitch, what a pussy. He was in here going, oh my God, oh my God. God, what a fuck. Anyways, what are you going on? How serious, puss.

Why should we be held to the same standard as your dad? He's your dad. Yeah, I'm working through stuff. That's crazy. By the fucking, by the time'm I wouldn't he was falling asleep Dude that may be one of the funniest tweets today because it was supposed to be Nick Mullen on Legion of Skanks last night Yeah, and Mullen just bailed he just didn't show up. So we had Aaron Berg instead Somebody tweeted it was like telling us that it's gonna be Nick Mullen and having Aaron Berg shop

It's like saying that your father is showing up to your birthday party and instead your uncle just molest you. That fucking got me so good. Oh fuck. That's really funny. Hey, Joe, happy birthday. Is that a Rogan? What is that? Is that weed?

He's a baby Rogan. Baby Rogan, look. I like that. I think that's really art. Can I see the packaging? Shouldn't he get the baby Rogan? What is a Rogan? I don't like the fact that I'm smoking. Oh. I like that. Those are really art, can I see the packaging? Yeah. But shouldn't he get the baby Rogan? I don't get it.

What is a Rogan? I don't like the fact that I'm smoking. He has his own cigar. Foundation Cigars, which is one of the best cigar companies out there. Nick made a cigar for Rogan. He blended it for him. It's one of the best cigars you can get,

but you can't buy it. The only people that get it is Rogan, and once in a while, he'll send me some of them. I had a couple left. I saved one for you because I know you're into cigars. They're incredible. Give him the mini one. This is crazy.

You know what I have for you? This is crazy. You know what I have for you? Tell me. He made four boxes called the mothership. Ooh. I got one of the boxes. And I will give you, I have one of those cigars waiting for you.

Thank you. I really know it is, I have it aside for you what's your beef what's your beef what's going on here are they really good do you really fucking incredible awesome it really now better than the pre embargo Cuban I got you I know I'll never smoke that oh yeah no that I have that dude I'm saving that for the rest of my life. For what? That's like one of those cigar, I have a cigar that looks like a baseball bat. Yeah.

I have that cigar, there's another cigar I have that was only a thousand of them made and it has a piece of art in it. We were, I was, Save those. I was in San, this was like five or six years ago, I was doing the punch line in San Francisco and I met up with McDaniel

because he was working at the Niners and he was like, let's go smoke cigars. And we went to this crazy punchline in San Francisco and I met up with McDaniel because he was working at the Niners and he was Like let's go smoke cigars And we went to this crazy cigar shop in San Francisco in this fancy hotel and the guy was like well If you guys want to spend some money, I've got pre Cuban I got Cubans pre embargo. Yeah, like in a humidifier and I got Bobby one. Yeah, I smoked one with McDaniel And then it's a very it's actually it's a little it's a small cigar It's not but it was really really dropped it. It's actually, it's a small cigar. But it was really, really fucking good. It's in a special case, it's in a case,

and it has some literature with it, so yeah, I won't smoke that. Oh, well. I might smoke it someday, but right now, it's like one of my precious cigars. Let's, real quick, let's do plugs. Let's go. We have some other show.

Are we doing topics, or are we deciding on topics? You brought the topics up, then we had topics. You didn't have a topic for two weeks, and then you said no more topics. I have a topic. I've been throwing little topics in here and there. I got a topic. I have a topic. Julius J. Gomez.

Come see me live, guys. Well, let's go to the top. That's where you're going to be. No, it's not. Don't ever give me an attitude again if you're wrong. If you're right, I'll accept the attitude. I still don't like it, but if you're fucking wrong and give me an attitude, I'll fucking beat your fucking head in.

Throw it. It's crazy. How about we do what we do on the bonfire? We do each other's plugs. So watch this. Ontario, California, Louis J. Gomez coming to the improv July 3rd and then after the holiday July 5th, two shows at the Comedy Store. That's 8 and 10.30 p.m. if you're in Los Angeles, go to the Comedy Store. Then he's going to be at the Oxnard-Levity Live. Then Texas.

He's going to be at Hyena's Fort Worth, Hyena's Dallas and also July 11. I'm having the depraved at the Creek in the Cave special lineup Austin Texas now that's Thursday and then Pittsburgh Cleveland and New Orleans. He's on the lookout go to Louis of skanks dot-com slash tour. He's on the lookout be on the lookout That's pretty good. All right. There you go. Who's that? Joe list hi, yo list helium, Philadelphia coming up the first weekend of October I'm going to be on the lookout. That was pretty good. All right. There you go. Who's that? Joe List. Hi! Joe List, Helium Philadelphia coming up the first weekend of October.

Wait, I got so many. What is this? Upcoming? Where's all my dates? Atlanta, July 18th through the 20th. Seattle, July 25th. I thought we were doing each other's things. No, I know, but the website's all wacky. They're fucking. Portland, Maine, New York City, Atlanta, Georgia... Guys, scroll down... Listen to me. Scroll down, obviously, because I'm going to continue to read his dates. Seattle, Washington, Brookfield, Wisconsin...

Milwaukee Improv, August 2nd and 3rd! Will you let Lewis read them? He's not doing it well. They're not doing it well, dude. It's not my fault. Their scrolling skills are really funny. Magoobie's Joe Couse. Woo!

Timonium, it's all happening. It's all happening, Magoobie. They stopped listening after the first two. Go to PunchUp.live slash joelist right now. All his dates and the best part about Punch Up, if you go there, if you're a member of his thing, it will show you where he's gonna be near you. Right at the top, it comes up.

Starting at July 18th. Dan Soda's gonna be... Starting at July 18th. July 18th, he's gonna be at Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis, and then he's going straight to Addison, Texas at the Improv, the great Addison Improv. That's July 27th weekend and then August 9th He's at San Jose, California the 9th and the 10th and then the 16th the regs

Live at Hyannis port at the melody tent. We're doing comedy at that one rich Voss hosting And so just go to dance soda comm for all dates. And make sure you check out his podcast. And watch my special on the road. And his specials on the road. Bobby Kelly, Bobby, Bobby Kelly. Joe, you on this? Yeah, I haven't done any. Is this Bobby?

Yeah. Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Oh, what a town. One of my favorite towns. It's a great town, right? Beautiful. Great club, too. Music hall.

Damn, July 20th, two shows, six and 8. Beautiful. Beautiful music hall. Damn. July 20th two shows six and eight thirty. I love that. Obviously August 15th we're all doing in the melody tent as you heard. San Diego August 12th three shows or is that a misprint? It looks like a misprint or something. But August 12th and 13th San Diego California at Mike drop comedy. What'd you say? October. What did I say? August. October 12th. Oh, you're lucky. You're right about that. You piece of shit. October 12th, San Diego, California. Come on out. Follow us on Instagram. More dates coming soon. I'm putting them up there and make sure you go to punchup.live have a topic. You want a topic? Yeah.

No topics, no directions. No pants. Dude. Soft penises on chairs. No Jews. No Puerto Ricans. Well then get out. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Everybody needs to talk, whether you're going through a huge breakup, a career change, or you just need a sounding board. Because man, life can be tough. I mean, we've been in therapy. You've been in therapy longer than I have. I've been in therapy for a long, I'm a lifer. Me too. I'm a lifer, and you know what, it's the best thing is because you can't talk to everybody.

Especially comedians, your friends, you can't talk to them, because then they have that against you, and they know something on you. You bring up a gig, and then they're like, how'd you get that? You know, I'm trying to tell you about my anxiety about yeah something else. My wife wants she just give me the check Yeah, I want to hear your problem. Oh, shut up. You're being funny for a living you go I need to talk to someone I need help

But the hardest part is finding someone and better helps online therapy makes it easy to access no matter who you are or what? Your schedule looks like all of your appointments are 100% online, which means no commute and no sterile doctor's office, no making weird eye contact with another dude in the waiting room. Just do therapy whenever and wherever it works for you. Just go fill out a quick survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and then you can switch therapists with no extra charge. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash regs today

to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash R-E-G-Z. Back to the show, Dan. Well, then get the fuck out. I have a good topic, too. All right, let's get it. Let's get it. You want to do yours?

You got a good one? Rock, paper, scissors, scissors, scissors, scissors, one, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. Yes.

Fuck. Lewis it is. All right. That was fun. Your house is on fire. Yeah. I'm 53 and that's still funny. Not including a human being or a pet. Okay. You have to save one object from your home. What is it? My laptop. Your laptop. Yeah. What a soulless answer. Dan. I know it's awful. What a soul. That's the thing. You have the most connection with. It's all backed up. I don't have a club. No cloud. You gotta get a cloud. I would say my cloud. up. It's in the cloud. I don't have a cloud.

No cloud? No cloud. You gotta get a cloud. I would say my cloud. How do you not have a cloud being a storm chaser? You had first off. By the way, I wanted a cake that said storm chaser. You guys shut that down, so I gave up.

We did not shut that down, we loved it. Storm chaser. Storm chaser. I would love to chase storms. God, dude, the four of us in a fucking pickup truck just rattling around Oklahoma. What's fucking going on? Oklahoma. Oh, your laptop?

No, I would honestly. Don't be bitched out of it. That's your thing, stick to it. Yeah, I gotta stick to my laptop. Don't be bitched out of changing it by popping. What about your championship belt or Joe Montana football, your dad's something? I mean, it's gotta be something.

What is it? What is a one object? You said laptop. You stick to it. Is it a real laptop? What about your championship belt, or Joe Montana football, your dad's something? I mean, it's gotta be something. What is it? What is a one object? Is it a laptop? You said laptop. Laptop, that's crazy.

Is it a really nice laptop? Is it a particularly nice laptop? I have an old photo album with a lot of old folks. Dan's trying to be deep now. He really, he was saying- Yeah, he's trying to be an emotional. Made up album. I probably saved my Bible, which has been handed down.

Dan tried to go deep. Nah, my laptop final answer I Got jokes on there, dude. I got jokes that you guys make you guys come Joe. What do you got? You know, I Somebody asked me recently what my most prized possession is and I have to say as somebody that's very into Eastern philosophy Fucking suck. I don't really have philosophy I fucking suck I don't really have possessions that I feel like I can't lose I love that except a laptop right I have an ex-girlfriend's panties that my wife doesn't know about I save those I might want to go Brian's old panties whose yeah oh that's right no I don't have any more I threw them out

though but I have them for way too long she's but I do my top drawer Gabby's become very hot Gabby became really hot and pretty funny actually. I'll just do my answer later, that's fine. Fucking asshole. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's a podcast. I just fucking...

It was a fucking... Jesus Christ. Sorry to interrupt you, you focus. Go ahead. It's not like you answer the question, then you go, then you go. That's not... That's the show. There's no fucking...

It's supposed to take 20 minutes for the one topic. No direction, dude. I don't want to answer. I don't want to answer. Oh, you're a baby. No direction. Gabby don't want to answer. Oh you're a baby. Gabby Brian's panties. Laptop. Laptop. Laptop. That sucked. It did suck dude. Matt what is yours? Maybe my Rolex because it's worth so much. Oh you fucking fat cat. 22,000. This fat cat. 22,000. Your Rolex is not worth 22,000. My laptop's a $100,000 laptop. Your Rolex is worth around $6,000.

No. Yes. No. It's a date just. It's a $22,000. It's a date just. How do you know? And it's two-toned.

A two-tone Ricky Rick's father. No, it sounds like my piece of being racist. And an autographed picture of Andy Devine. Oh, I remember being buck-toothed and skinny or writing fan letters, disguised knees, petty. I wish I had a pencil thin must that is good. This we were stretching the topic. Yeah. Boston black. I'll stretch your asshole. Um, yeah. My Rolex. You didn't even wear it. It's a good, but you don't fucking wear it where it's the same as laptop is worth a lot Oh, it came from Louis CK. I can go anywhere online You have an iPhone he can buy a Rolex

I have some nice framed artwork. You do. Are you going with the artwork or the Rolex? Because the Rolex you didn't even care about. You don't wear it. No. You never look at it. And I have plenty of money.

Why don't you sell it to me? But how much? Sell it to him. Well, let me see. How thick is it? Because you have a little dainty wrist. I need a good size. It's this one.

It's this one, but brown. Too small. Brown, no. Brown? It's not brown. It's gold one. But Brown. It's too small. Brown, no. Brown? It's not brown. It's gold. I want a little more blue or black face. It's gold. It has gold. I'm going to give this to my son when he graduates high school. I saved this one.

I'm giving mine to my son. Oh God, I have a son. You're going to give your son a better watch than I'm giving my son? Don't be an asshole. Don't do that. Well, your kid's not going to graduate high school, so you'll keep it. My son? I know. He's smart. he fucking sings, he plays baseball. No, I was gonna say he dropped out last week.

That's crazy, oh my God. Last day of fucking sixth grade. He was like, Dad, I'm packing it up. He's like, I can't do this anymore. What would you say, Bobby? He's in eighth grade math, he's in the sixth grade now. I would say my Rolexes on my watch. That's one thing you can't say.

No, one thing you fucking dickhead. I'm sorry. This was aggressive. I got upset about that. God damn. I just said Rolexes. Yeah, what are you, Rich Voss? What if all the Rolexes are in one box?

Nope. They are. It's one thing. No. Well, you grab the one box. Where in your house are they? If it's all in one box, I have it in my, I have all my valuables in a gun safe.

By Lewis's rationale, he couldn't grab a photo album. He'd have to take one photo out of the album. Yeah, exactly. If he could take a photo album, he could take a box of Rollins. And a laptop can take so many. That's ridiculous. I like that. A safe full of things.

But he had, of course. Yeah, but he had the safe. Perfect argument I just made. Perfection. Oh, you're pissing me off today, Joe. Get out of here. Let's find a state fest. It's true.

What is the difference between a photo album and a box of can I take my fine? I'll say that he can't be photo I'm not allowing a safe full of fucking Expensive good well, then I changed my whole entire answer to my complete set of Calvin and Hoffman I'm not big. I'm not picking the watch takes a safe. I'm not picking the watches I'm not gonna take the role. I would say by our rules, I would say a photo album would be one thing. It's one thing. It's not. Joe, you're just being an asshole. I'm not. What about a bureau? This is why your friend Mike beat the shit out of you in the fifth grade. That's why I socked you at recess because you fucking had it coming. Jeff fucking laid you up because

of this attitude. Yeah. Hey, the top of your head's missing. Oh no, it's camouflage. I would, I would not take, I would not take my watch collection. I would take the cash. No. I have a, I have a why? A satchel of cash? I have a, um, uh. Are you letting us all know the things you have in your house to steal? Bobby's address is 38 Thatcher Avenue. I would take my cash. Take his cash. A lot of cash. How much cash do you have? Yeah, what do you got?

Shit, I'm not telling you. Can we guess? Huh? 40,000. Give us a range. What? In cash? That's crazy. Alright, everybody pick one and you decide.

I already picked 40,000. There's almost no reason to have cash. At all. 100%. Bobby thinks the fucking, it's going to be the life of the world. It's some old timey boomer shit. There's no reason to have cash. Invest it, put it into fucking literally almost anything that will give you a return instead of just cash that sits there.

You need a little yours? Literally just depleting in value. Now, you always need a little cash around. Something goes down, you want to have cash. A little cash, sure, but not enough that that's the only thing you're taking. So I would probably say 20,000 dollars. 20,000? $20,000 in cash?

No, but I think one of his watch, he's got a watch probably that's worth more than that. Yeah, one of my Rolexes worth more than that. Yeah, so he's got to be $30,000 to $40,000 in cash. $50,000. $50,000, final answer. You're saying $50,000? You're saying $20,000?

I said $40,000. I already said $40,000. When AI hits and fucking the bank shut down, you're probably going to be the right one. But that cash is going to go so, two days that's very that's very negative I'm gonna cross a bridge in a bunch of fucking the uptown portal you take all your cash I might smack your low-t-ass I'm ready bro what would yours be I think it would be a uh...

a letter that i have for my mother the only one that i have all it's just a little f haha uh... knows i got a little like home that you buy like uh... like a pharmacy you know it's a really good friends will like you know, it would be like a framed little like, you know, if I could love you more, blah, blah, blah, blah,

it's like a poem. And then on the back, she wrote a note on it, a handwritten note, and I had that. That's good. That's better than all of ours. Yeah, because actually, you just reminded me that I have a, but I don't know if I'd want to save that letter. My sister wrote my dad a letter that I found,

but it's just such a bummer. I don't know if I would. It's like, dad, I love when you touch me at night. No, it wasn't, it was, hey. Why would you be serious? Why would you fight? Why would you be serious? Daddy, I miss your warm, thick hand.

Why don't you take down some of the bricks that are in your wall? Yeah. Yeah, why don't you go to Alan? You know what? Why don't you go to Leslie? Complete the fucking rules, dude. Leslie's not even real.

Leslie's real, dude. And I can tell you what, because I'll figure that out with the laptop that I saved in the fire. Leslie Behan. Oh, shit. And I can tell you what, cause I'll figure that out with the laptop that I saved in the fire. Leslie Behan. Oh, shit. Leslie Behan. Leslie.

Sucking books. Leslie's dope too, she doesn't let me get away with anything, she's good. Yeah. She doesn't know all my friends. Louis, I have walls up too, man. I have no walls up. The better it is to speak shorthand with Alan,

like, you know, List was doing that thing. And he's like, oh, I know. We just saved 20 minutes. Way to take the shortcut. Bobby's being Bobby. Oh, fuck yourself. He goes, girl, preach. Hey folks, are you struggling to get much needed sleep? You deserve sleep. I deserve sleep. You deserve sleep. I love sleep. Luckily. What about me? You deserve sleep too. I thought you're upset with me It's great sleep summer with our new partner via Hemp no more counting sheep or tossing and turning in the summer heat via hemp is a company dedicated to Harnessing the natural benefits of hemp to create high

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So, if you're over 21+, check out our link to VIA website in our description for 15% off. Use the code REGS to receive 15% off. After your purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Get the rest you deserve with dreams from VIA. Louis, let me ask you this. I can perfectly see the outline of the head of your dick

and my foot is long enough to reach it. Can I touch your dick with my foot? Just touch it. Lightly. Yeah. Ha ha! Woo! Did you feel it? Yeah, I did.

It kinda was nice. My little back? You like it? I like it. I think I turned on it. There's underwear, sweatpants, and socks, so there's plenty of layers. What type of underwear?

Sheath underwear. Yeah. Sheath underwear. Oh yeah. Bobby, what was your topic? Did anyone want to touch my dick with their foot? I'll do it right now. My topic?

Yeah, what's your topic? Get hard though. Ah! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I have to pee. That's your topic?

No, so I don't want you to do it. I want you to do it to me. Oh, I'm good. My. I don't do that gay shit. Come on, touch his dick with your foot. No, that I don't want you to do it. I want you to do it to me. Oh, I'm good. My I don't do that. Come on. Touch his dick with your foot. No, it's spiritual. We're bringing back the night. You said we were taking down walls. No, dude, it's gay shit. We're all playing footsie in each other's crotches right now. Right? It is something kind of touching your friend. Oh, your foot. Hit the button, dude. Dude, that's the fun. Now, this is a clip.

Like, this is a new bit. This is a new bit, guys. Next time you're with your friend at a restaurant, take your shoe off and put your foot in his crotch and see what he reacts. And then when he reacts, like, what the fuck? Show him this podcast because it's a bit we're doing. Dude, sorry. It's all the cool kids are doing.

He's got regs. You're not going to see... He's got regs. You're not going to see Joe Rogan's toe touching Shane's dick. It ain't happening. Not on the show. No.

Whoa. What's your topic, Bobbo? Oh, my topic. Can't wait. I'm pumped for this topic. If all of your internet history, your searches... Sure. I'm out.

...are going to be revealed... I can't do this anymore. Where? My laptop. That's why I took it with me in the bar. Tranny's tricking straight guys. Next topic. Girls who look like mom. What are you guys watching? Girls who look like mom. And it's going to be revealed to the world. Sure. The whole internet search history. You're from the first time you started searching. They're gonna learn I don't know how to spell.

To now. Yeah. To now. It's gonna be revealed to the world, but you could eliminate one word from that search. What would that word be? Well, can I be honest with you? Hungry.

This is not a real game, because then you're just revealing what you don't want to be revealed. This is not a real game, because then you're just revealing what you don't want to be revealed. This is the worst part about Lewis. You come up with a topic, and he negs it out of the fucking gate. Guys, why don't we do a little? You're just a nigger.

Hold on. You're a nigger. Let's get to a little casserole topic. Because Bobby, I was trying to think of topics the other day and I was like, this might be a good topic for the regs. If a sex tape came out with you and an animal, What are we doing? What animal would it be?

What are you doing? You're taking my topic and then making your- Is it not even just gone? My topic's just gone? Your topic made no sense, because you can't really have an honest conversation. Well, mine would either be... There's a one...

Join or Clucks. I don't know which one, but it would be one of those two. What would it be? Clucks. Exactly. The topic is fucking great! You're just the nigger. Mine would... Whoa! Whoa, dude. The nagging.

Mine would be... Oiled. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Mine would be anything with an SH. Sheridan Hotel. You can't do that, you can't just. Children. Shannys, damn it. Hot skids. Hot children.

That was a good topic, we got some jokes out of it. What was yours? What would your one word? One word out of my entire story. That you can eliminate that they can't, that nobody will see. I'm not really embarrassed of anything. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are.

Like, yeah, I watched rape porn. Okay. Oh, they rape. There you go. You take rape out. But I wouldn't even take that out. I'm not afraid. I'm not ashamed of who I am. What?

What, dog? Not a little bit. A little bit of rape porn? Oh, Jesus. Ain't that bad, doggy? You'd be ashamed about that. You should be very ashamed about that. For a while they turned it into forced porn.

Forced has gone now. Instead of unalived myself. Kidnapping's gone. Kidnapping is gone. What's that called now? You can't find it. It's called Eel. And the force is gone instead of unalived myself kidnapping is gone kidnapping is gone What's that called now? Nothing you can't find it. Yeah, you have gone You any of the the core values porn we legion is gang I just told you just things recently we should do like core values throughout like fucking history and movies

But all the core values for porn rape racism and mental retards you can't find them in any regular porn So yeah, these they used to be reluctant, too. That's out also. Oh, the reluctant where they go, no. And they're like, OK. Is that not in anymore? Just Shy. You can still find Shy, though. That's all that is.

Yeah. Shy LeBuff. Yeah, you have to. I love Shy LeBuff. They took it all off. There was a couple good ones. That's a great jerk category, too, is real sex in mainstream movies.

And Shy LeBuffouf is in... Na na na na na na na na. Stop saying that word. We did. Na na na na na na na na. No, Necromania? Necrophilia? No, what's the movie that people who like to fuck a lot?

Oh, um. What's the word? They're called... Nymphomaniac. Nymphomaniac. So there's a movie, there's two parts, Nymphomaniac. I said it first. Yeah, okay.

You get the point. But you pointed at him. Nymphomaniac. No, it's over here. I can't stop. You are the best, you're so right. I can't stop. Whoa.

Yeah. I like that. I like that set of tits that lady has. Why does this look like an old Star Trek? Yeah. What is the background? The dro, I don't know, but. Oh, all right background oh I got one I just thought of it you said yours no Dan had another one no you're disqualified because you

said it in the middle I said mine and then he tried to poo poo it but then it went good then he said all right let's hear you said the word casserole and then I didn't listen sex tape comes out with you and an animal. Oh right. What animal is it? But I don't get the phrase in the- What animal did you fuck? Dominican. Ha ha, good one.

Joe, what's your topic? You're right, this was never meant to be. Dan is not a topic guy. Dan is very funny, he's incredible. You're just not a topic guy, Dan. That's okay, we can move on. That's fine. I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with being incredibly skilled at everything. Dan, I like Storm Chaser. Thanks. I tried to get you a cake that said Storm Chaser, but we didn't have time. I like that, too. What's your topic, Don? We didn't have time, because we totally forgot.

I think I'm surprised those cupcakes were even there. I was like, oh, yeah, oh, oh, yeah. We ran out of the gun. We ran out of the gun, yeah. I just started singing not knowing that there was cupcakes. And when they brought cupcakes, I was like, yes. Score. Would you rather, in a career, you can be, you can have a, why are you looking at your phone?

It's about to be big. For one year or something. I don't know. Let me put the seeds out there, and then you guys help put the guns. Oh, and I'm not a topic guy. Would you be? He took your casserole idea.

At least I showed up as one fully formed. He took your casserole idea. Ever hear of? Just made it seeds. Have you ever heard of purple, I mean, not purple, rose thorn seed? This guy's falling apart. You ever hear of purple? I mean not purple Rose Lord seed. Yeah guys falling apart You ever hear of Rose seed?

You ever hear of Yankee swap these are listies. Yeah, we sure We should do that the regs listie awards where it's all he decides who wins every I love it I love a listies. We're gonna do a listies in the fall still listies in the fall Yeah, we gotta do a listies on the reg you get to be the best topic most likely to create a best topic Dude, you're gonna see me fly podcasts almost as good as Tuesday's with stories I love it you get this is your choices you get to be the star of your own TV show Let's say it runs for five years what year though though? Now, this is next year. Yeah, it's that medium. But Netflix.

Stop nagging. Five year TV show run. Kiss me. Or make a feature film, it's just whatever you wanna do, they're just backing it, A24, whoever's making it. Yeah, backing it. Your own feature film, or lead singer in a band that currently sells like 800 seaters.

Who knows where it will go? 800 seaters, I sell 100 seaters. Who knows where it will go? 800 seaters, I sell 100 seaters. The sitcom runs for five years. Five years sitcom. 100 episodes? Yeah. Yeah, sitcom. Sitcom, five years.

Yeah, set for life. Yeah, your channel. Network, network. But you gotta do all the work. Don't give a fuck. Network? I gotta sit around and wait for someone to bring me coffee? Yeah, you're right, that money versus movie money.

Money, and it'll lead into the touring stuff. You're fucking crazy. Yeah, sitcoms. It's not even funny. I'll have that band open up for me, fucking losers. Yeah, and by the way, I'll turn the show into a movie when the show's done. Well, it depends though.

If it's on like HBO, they don't pay a lot. If it's NBC, ABC, CBS. But here's the thing, you guys are all talking money. Would you rather be like? It's five years of consistent exposure. Ten takes? Or you get to be like, Good evening everybody! Wow!

Out of 800 cedar. Playing music is maybe one of the gayest things in the world. Playing music, you're fucking playing doodles and dingles for me. 800 cedars? That's where you're starting off! No! Selling out! You wanna see a guy singing lyrics that he wrote when he was 17? You f***ing... First of all, when you're singing, you have to split. You have

to split the money with the band. And the crew. Yeah, when you get a sitcom, you're getting that money. And every year in SAG, you get a 5% bump. Don't yell it. In a sitcom, you get to hire your sitcom wife. And everyone knows you get a hot girl if you're a regular guy. I would make it hilarious. I would just choose a big girl. Yeah, and when you're in a sitcom, they fly you first class, mandatory, everywhere. All right. So you guys are taking the sitcom. Yes.

What are you taking? I'm singing in the band. That's so cool. You're singing in the band? You got a sort of band. You got a sitcom. Sort of band. Hire some bandmates.

Mother! No, dude. All in tickets to your 800 seater on the rock station. Yeah, we'll buy the first 20 rows, just me, Louis, and Dan. Great. With our sitcom money. And you'll love it. Yeah, and our Golden Globes.

Try to get one of your songs into a fucking video game, you fucking loser. You're going to have to hit the show. We're going to have to do an episode of my show where you come in the kitchen and everyone goes, oh, hey, look, it's the Screaming Joes. So you're all taking sitcoms. The Screaming Joes. The Screaming Joes. hey look, it's the screaming Joe. So you're all taking sitcoms. The screaming Joe's, the screaming Joe's.

None of you even mention the art board. You're Ben Stinks. You're not an artist, you want your money, you're coming for the money. You don't have money and we get to create something that we're already doing, that's what we want to do. Give me a show pitch, all right, let's make it happen. Show pitch, 141.

In spite of Dan, it's about, it's a young man named Dan. Love it. He's a former magician. Yeah. He's down in his luck. Back when magic was huge, he was fucking, he was one of the biggest magicians in the world. One of the biggest acts in Vegas.

One of the biggest acts in Vegas. He did a TV thing. It was almost like a Chris Angel. It's canceled. God canceled. Back in the hood. Problem. Back in the hood.

Drunken. Now he's back being poor. And you know how black people react to street magic. So now he learns that he's going to start scamming people with magic, but slight of Dan. But also helping the black community. But also helping the black community. Scaring them with.

Scaring them with. With street, with street. You the devil, Dan, you the devil. He goes, Dan, that white man, that white man in his slight of a hand. Slight of Dan is perfect. Slight of Dan. You guys need to get back to the name first.

I hope somebody makes that. Yeah, so do I. That's a hit show two years from now. Yeah, there we go. Holy shit. With Harrison Greenbaum playing now. There we go. Holy shit. With Harrison Greenbaum playing Dan? There it is. I'll tell you another one.

All right, another one. It's a fun game. We come up with the name of the show and then we come up with the pitch. Pardon My Nanny, which is about me. I'm a radio host and I hire a nanny played by Adrienne Apolucci. Great.

She actually was just spent, did a stint in prison for burning down a preschool that she worked at. Love this. So she hates kids, but this was just what she falls into. Your radio show is flailing. She comes on to tell you something, one thing, the audience falls in love with her. They love her, now she's my co-host as well.

All right, print it out. Pardon my Nanny. Pardon my Nanny. Let's go. So far, we've got NBC's Friday Night Blocked just locked up. Thank God it's TGIF. We're bringing it back. TGIF and they should be.

You're playing a shitty 800 seater in Cleveland. Yeah, dude. You're going like this. In the storm. In the storm. This next song was about a woman that really captured my heart. Hey guys, one time I got molested in a bus stop.

That's the name of this song. You're fucking a loser. It's called Ticket to Anywhere. You guys are doing how I met your mother. I'm fucking dancing over here. Oh dude, I'm on so many pills you have no idea my face is big all of a sudden. I got a roadie picking out bitches for me to fuck off. And an 800 cedar? No you don't. You get sower in the back holding a baby. You're not even selling out Irving Plaza. Yeah, you're in a van every Plaza smaller than 800. I don't think so It's about 1100

whatever I'll throw out a title you guys come up with the show off the rails Done easy guy works for MTA Finds a bag of money Turns out the money's from okay drug dealer. Cocaine. Rails. From a drug dealer. Now he's being pursued by a drug cartel. Working for the MTA. Where are you? Played by Louis J Gomez, Adrian Epiluchi, head of the drug cartel. Hello. This is you too and everything. Adrian and everything. Adrian, I mean, we're writing for a package.

Something to throw in there. Give me another one. Give me another one. Go ahead. I got one. What's your title? I want to play. I got one title. I want to play I got one it's called Boston beans Boston beans. Okay, Robert Kelly star obviously done. He plays a bean Is this animated can be Animated I mean, I'll tell you what after the money we we have from Sleight of Hand and Off the Rails, we're just in business. We're just making it.

We'll do what we want. I mean, we're paying him to make some gay music for our shows. His best friend is named Frank. He's like, dude, let's get into an adventure. Come on, Frank. Frank and Beans would be a better title, I feel like. Boston Beans, maybe they're a baseball team. They have to throw the games

You know what this could be one make money so they could be one of your songs They throw at the guys they hit them Lewis they beat him Joe's bad stick Joe's bad stick Joe's bandsticks, Joe's bandsticks, Joe's bandsticks. You guys sell 800 seats. We sell 800 seats in every town. We're in millions of homes every Monday. Millions? Next! I gotta do Good Morning America at least three times a year.

I'm co-headlining with Schaal. Dude, I'm at Comic Con. Sitcoms, you're hacks. Yeah, no, we're not hacks. No, no, no, it's like a fucking dark and twisted sitcom. Why don't you go Boston? No, I don't want to go Boston. Give me another, I like this, give me another movie title

or another TV show title. Tip of the Tongue. Tip of the Tongue. Great, it's about a speech therapist, played by Adrienne Appalucci. She can't say her own name. Oh my god. Why can't the speech therapist talk? Adrienne Appalucci.

My name is Jizzle List. Appal, Appal, Appal, Appal, Appal. Starring Joe List. Starring Joe List. Well, hold on. He's on tour. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you can't play.

It's a different game, guy. No, dog. We're the actors. I's on tour. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you can't play. It's a different game. No, dog. We're the actors. I quit the band. All right. You gave up your dream? It was enough. It was infighting the whole time. Dude, we fucking bullied him into leaving his fake band.

No, we're three years down the road now. Yeah, well, three out of a five-year contract. So now you're trying to get into acting? I'm going solo. Joe, I don't know what to tell you, man The show's... Yeah, dude, we've been doing this for years. The show's humming along. Yeah, did we? You chose band back then. We all, you know, we're willing to be on the show together and you chose band. You know what guys, though, seriously, we'll let you audition. Yeah. I appreciate that. Yeah, we have a role as a wacky neighbor who's also a singer. That sort of actually happened with Legion of Skanks.

Justin Silver was like the unofficial fourth Legion of Skank, and then he got that dog show. Oh yeah, I remember that. Fuck you guys. Exactly. I talk dog and I talk bank accounts. Suck my dick. Then he like left, went to LA and just fucking did his own

thing. Then he fucking came back years later and was like, I would love to be a Legion of Skank now. You guys can just see. What do you guys suggest? You guys still taking applications? Wait, what's tip of the tongue? Tip of the tongue is about a speech therapist, played by Adrian Apoluchi,

in South Florida, so they don't speak English. So he's a speech therapist for people that don't speak English. Hijinks ensue. Don't fucking fuck that up. No, I'm sorry. Guys, we're at a minute 45. We're outx and Sue. Don't fucking fuck that up. I'm sorry. Guys, we're at a minute 45. We're out.

All right, guys. We got to wrap it up. Make sure you check out all the websites and check out our dates if we're in town. Come up and say what's up. Lewis of skanks.com. Luis of skanks. Luis of skanks.com.

Punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. Punchup.live slash Joe List. DanceHunter.com. Yeah. We love you guys. Check out the, we're going to give them a plug too, right? Oh yeah, yeah, that's right. The whole thing. Joe, what do you got, Joe? Joey.

Yo, it's Joe Russell. I got a show about cheese on YouTube called The Cheese Show. Just type in The Cheese Show. We could do that. That'd be a good sitcom. Welcome to our production company. As long as you're not in a band, you're G to G. What do you got, Nat?

Natalie, did she go at it on Instagram and watch Gas Digital Now on the Gas Digital website? Yeah, she did. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. She's a great show host. As long as you're not in a band, you're G to G. What do you got, Nat? Natalie, did she go edits on Instagram and watch Gas Digital Now on the Gas Digital website?

Natalie. Danny, what do you got? All of me on Instagram, at Danny Braff. There you go. Go check out the dojo. Make sure you like, subscribe, comment on all our stuff. Come see us at our shows. We'll see you guys next time on?

July 10th, Gramercy Theater. July 10th. We have a show July 10th at the Gramercy. It's a podcast. That'll be the next episode that comes out. Live podcast. Make sure you get the tickets. Get them now. Right now they're on sale. There's a few seats left. Be there live for the next episode. We've never done it live. Maybe we'll have some special guests. Who knows? Maybe we'll have some topics. Maybe we'll have some topics. Maybe we'll have the audience call out a topic. Whoa! Maybe there's a lot of that now.

Maybe we'll have another hit sitcom. Whoa! Ooh, sitcom talk. Like a shit talk. I love to do the producer hats where we fucking pitch sitcoms to each other. I love this. Yeah, it really gets your cock going.

You don't need that to stop. That was my topic. Well, honestly, Joe wins the topic this week. Joe Topic! Thanks guys. Joe Tovik. Thanks, guys. Hey, we tried. We'll see you next time on the regs. OK.

OK.