Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Jews, Food and Suicide

Episode Date: February 18, 2013

YKWD is joined by Modi (@modi_comedian), Chris Destefeno (@chrisdcomedy), Jessica Kirson (@jessicakirson) and Keith and the Girl's Chemda (@Chemda).  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Ma mal, a Madrid. en todos tus dispositivos. ¡Pluso TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca! over the last year, Facebook, emails, I'm coming back. I am coming back, the 21st of February, the 22nd and the 23rd.

Three nights, five shows, Philadelphia, Helium Comedy Club. So if you live in Philly, tell your fucking friends, grab your family, get your tickets now, don't do walk-ups, take your fucking credit card out, call the club, and book the seats. Get people together, show up, let't do walk-ups, take your fucking credit card out, call the club, and book the seats. Get people together. Show up. Let's do this. Philadelphia Helium Comedy Club Feb 21st to the 23rd, spread the fucking word, and let's

pack this place out. And then, I'm very excited. I'm going to be in Connecticut. At the Trumble, Connecticut at the treehouse on March 1st and March 2nd I will be at Cromwell Connecticut for the Treehouse comedy venture. I don't know what the fuck they call it, but I'll be in Connecticut again and then I'm going to be in South by Southwest. Holy shit show.

I'm going to be there March 21st doing a great show with the syndicate and laugh button We got big J on the show. I'm hosting it the nasty show So if you're going to South by Southwest if you're gonna be at Austin, Texas the first March 12th make sure you find the show March 15th I'm at the Will but they hit a kid will Will the theater, get your tickets now, bean town. Get them now, don't wait. Buy your tickets now. I put out a code out there, get your front row tickets,

get your seats, let's pack this place out, my hometown. I wasn't gonna come back until October. I'm usually there around October or Christmas. I didn't wanna come back so soon. I got some new shit I got a few new things that I wanted to Then I'll come back to you guys with now that I'm having the baby so

I was gonna be October but they offered me 15th of March I took it. I want you guys to show the fuck up. Let's have a good time and let's let's pack this place Go to my website robbercowderlivecom, go hit tour and get all my dates. Okay, you want to come see me? Don't ask me on Twitter, when are you going to be? Just go to my fucking website and find out. Find out where I'm going to be. Go to my website, find out where I'm going to be, get my app for iPhone.

And it will show you where I'm going to be. Go to ryecast.com, my dates are up there, my dates are everywhere. So make sure you come and check me the fuck out. Live. All right, so here you go, the YKWD intro that everybody loves and three people hate. But whatever, I gotta do it, I gotta do it. I feel better when I do it because, you

know, I like to tell you what's going on. I like to recap it myself in my own head. And it's my podcast, so I'm gonna fucking do the intros. There you go. Decision made. The adult decision has been made by the the owner and fucking father of this family company whatever the fuck it is bow bang boom Intros are here. So this podcast I put together I Didn't want I didn't want to talk about I don't like to talk about specific things on the show

But um It just sometimes it just happens. The things that I want to talk about are in my life or prevalent, just come out. And the people that on the show, I wanted on the show for a long time. First one is from Keith and the girl. She's the girl. We had Keith on last week, he was awesome. I really like him, he's very funny. I consider him a friend and her too.

And I had her on the week after. I didn't want to put them both on, they do this show, they're on the same, they're on every day. I wanted to separate him. And, you know, I don't know, I just didn't want him on the same show. I wanted to, there's two different crowds.

I wanted Keith with this group and I wanted her with this group and I also had Jessica Kirsten on this one, one of my favorite, I'm not even gonna call her just a stand of comic, entertainer, she's so funny to me and we all do when we get together, it's jerky-chether-off with compliments, it's just the fucking annoying to both of us, but it's true, she's, you know, she's great, she's funny, her videos on the internet are amazing, if you haven't seen them, go check them out. I love her, she's totally committed.

And she's hilarious, at her on, I had Modi, who's been a friend of mine for years. And now we've been boxing together, and you know, he's been helping me out with a lot of, not diet stuff but food shit. Christis DeFano and Kelly, Fat Kelly and myself. It wound up going a lot of places. I'm not gonna get into what we talked about,

but it was a really interesting podcast. I always let these go where they go. I try to keep shit on track. It's not as easy as you think having three people, two people, eight people in a room. You know, getting people that don't know each other to kind of cohabitate and talk and not talk over each other. There was a little, a little of, uh, you know, them talking over each other. Being I had to correct it a lot, which I hope, you know, looking might get annoying to you people listening, but it's, it's, I gotta tell people to shut the fuck up. And after they got the hang of it, you know, because it's not that easy to be on radio,

you know, you, you have to listen. And, and after people were listening to each other and not stepping on each other We really got to destroy them interesting shit I you know it was funny. There was some funny stuff said it but it was really interesting a lot of stuff said Do Chris knows a lot about nutrition and and and you know how the body works and everybody does and everybody It went where it went and I think no one stopped stopped at one point, but I think maybe he didn't. Anyways, this podcast was, I liked it. It was very interesting. It was a long one.

It's Jews, food, and suicide. So enjoy. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Cricer. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what dude?

You know what dude? You know what dude? If you bippy bby, if you bippy boo, dippy dippy dhya, you have a dabba doo. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, Duh! You know what, Duh! I'm gonna be on it. You know what I mean? Well, this is the show. We're gonna date Ray Wanoew and we want to see.

We just want to document it and see what happens. I'm the one doing the thing. Are we on already? Yeah, I just hit the button I'm just no music. There's no hey There's no music for you good for you just get into it. There's no nothing I just hit the button and we start talking about you. I read Perfect, okay, okay, so Kelly go around the room and introduce everybody. Okay, so everyone knows who this guy is starting with me Yes, that's right Thanks knows who this guy is. Starting with Melee. Yes, that's right. Hey, big man, I'm happy. Thanks.

Thank you. Good, Bob. Thank you. And then when I first moved to the city, I saw this girl a lot. And I was still about to say one of my favorite favorite live accesses in the city. That's so nice. Thank you. Are you talking to me? Thank you. Oh, Jessica. Thank you. Hi, Jessica. Hi, guys. You wanted to be the? Thank you! I just got it. You wanted to be the favorite girl.

My mother was never around. And then we've got from the very popular Keith and the girl, the podcast Monday through Friday. What time is it 2-4? It varies because we get to do that, but most of the time we're live it for, but it's out as a podcast every day. Ah, I'm at it's a voice-up chevna. Robert, come on. How did you just say her name? I say, I say, Chemna, is that wrong?

Chemda? Chemda. I don't have a, I know. Why is this? Hey, listen, she's from Australia, okay? She's an Italian from Australia. Don't fuck with her, cause she didn't know how much she left her in the horse.

She made it to you until I'm in the ship. Do you know what it means though? You know, Chemda means. No idea, I didn't make Jews until I came to the ship. Oh, you're Chemda, you're my moito, you're Karasso. Oh my God came to the... Oh, you're scared everybody on my phone. Literally. Isn't that what you're getting at? It's fine.

Middle Eastern. I was born in Israel. Can I just say I'm Jewish and that made me want to leave and eat a live pig. I was going off. It's not me. It's always you. Oh, it was my alarm. I apologize.

I'm going to go and save me. Be here now. You're five minutes early. Okay, go to Modi. Say his name right, Modi. Modi? Modi? So I just seem like I need to have a spit.

And also the last person, and we got Phil as well on camera. What about his? No, I bet he was last. He was keeping last. Why would you keep him last? Because she's in love with him. No, no, no. You were here for that, right?

This was one of the first people I ever met when I moved to the city, Chris is deaf. All right, stop with the fucking stories before. You're just announced people. People want to feel good. You mean you're happy. All right, so there you go. And we got five o'clock Phil on on the photos. Thank fucking God

Here's a deal First of all I just got back from Marvel comics. I don't remember. Does anybody have is anybody a Comic book fan no Well, but we understand that they have a lot of fans. Let me explain for the next 20 minutes what comic books are. When you have no friends. Actually, comic books. I'd say you know got me in the comic books.

Gary Gullman. Really? Gaby. Two, three, six. Gary Gullman. Gary Gullman. Gary Gullman. All right.

This is my kind of show, everybody. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and then half and shake because he was so nervous taking people's orders. It was the cutest thing I've ever, that's because of medication now, but back then it was nurse, but I'm kidding. It's still funny. And we would have to work, I'd get on my motorcycle because I was bad to the bone. And he would get in his Honda because he's a-

And you, accountant, you said, Jesus. Is that then the running joke of chas gonna be the whole the whole the whole podcast today? So then Me and him went down the And we had some hummus and smoked some We we would get a scar after the show, after the show, after the work in all day. And we'd buy like a fifth, $20 a car, and read comic books.

And he got me into the Silver Surfer and X-Men. Oh, how long were you guys dating? Oh, boom. We almost, it was not, I, let me tell you something about Galmon and me. We really were not supposed to be friends But there's just something between us. I know he's a good because you know why I'm gonna tell you because I like both of you when I hate a lot of comics You both have amazing souls you're both good people you are you're both very very good people

You're both fucked up a lot But you're both no I am too. Yeah, no, I mean, but you're both fucked up a lot. Yeah, that's good. Add that. But you're both... No, I am too. Yeah, no, we are. I mean, but you're both really kind. I'm serious, and you're good to each other. I've seen you guys talk. Yeah, he's sweet. He's my bubbler. Yeah, my bubbler.

Sweet. Uh... Anyway, so I have a fondness for comic books. And I like them. It was the first book I've read. You don't even hate like... Cover It was the first book I've read. You don't even hate like God. Cover cover.

Well, I did the math. I was home. I think I left my home technically. You could say a 12. And then I've been on my own ever since. So the first real book that I read from cover to cover was like a comic book. Which is really cool because now you wrote a book,

which, you know, if we're gonna suck up, you wrote a book which you know for going to suck up you wrote a book you're so magnificent wait let me stand here and say oh to Robert Kelly and my book matches your jacket your windbreaker the first time I fucked a chick was one of those and she said she goes I'm a spitter and I said what's that and then I said and then you were born and then she fucking my my gizz came out of her vagina air muffs moody that's called the cream pie right well I didn't know what it was called back that was fucking 12 I knew it was called a gooey fucking windbreaker yeah I knew that it's called the cream pie you call it a whoopie I don't understand what happens yet we were

explained to me they want to do it I fucking fucked her and then her vagina I don't know if you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that.

I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you guys know that. I know you lot going on. Squirt, squat, no. No, no, no, no. That's the original secretions coming out. This is when you get the cum and it drips out. That's a great job to us. I know you made it the least sexy it could have been Chris.

I thought we were talking, I thought we'd be in series. He said, I was having this house as well. And I was saying, Joker, I'm about to shut up. Shut up Chris. I'm sorry for talking. First of all, I don't know, Shut up Chris. I'm sorry for talking First of all, I don't know you're told this you call him a stupid idiot like eight minutes into the show I mean it's literally it's six minutes into my haircut Second of all Chris listen, I know you don't do any radio because you're not really that comic yet

But listen, I know that's why you were in headphones. So you don't talk over people all right I'm sorry, so stop y't talk over people. All right. So stop yapping over him calling you stupid idiot. Let me do that. It was more like a older brother, younger brother, that was common. So the first book you read was a comic book. Basically, via... The first book I read was the Talmud.

Nothing on that one. That's the guy I thought you'd give me a chuckle. That's amazing that we were brought up very differently. You were brought up very religious, weren't you? Because I was brought up very reformed. It was all about money and what you wore to temple. When did you get here? I showed up, my parents moved to America when I was seven. I was four. So, you know, maybe we have something in common. They just, they weren't that religious, but they needed to engulf me in Jews, like surround me by Jews so that I don't stray.

I just realized that I would never have more than two Jews on at the time, because then it gets very Jewish. You're right. It's very, very Jewish. Where'd you go to camp? Where'd you go to camp? I work at Camp Alcrest, that a Jewish camp. I went to Hilkrest Day Camp.

Get out of here. Wow. I went to Bochnevald. No, you didn't. What is that? That's not a word. Oh my God. I feel I knew that that was even the concentration. Listen, first of all, this is a B&H photo. So we're not going to laugh at all these fucking inner inner Joe jokes. Okay. Bochentvald was like Auschwitz. You think I know what fucking Bochentvald means? Bochent, no. I haven't ever watched a history

channel. Haven't you ever seen? Yeah. I watched them find fucking crabs and gold in the jungle. When they, when the fucking the World War a scene. Yeah, I watch them find fucking crabs and gold in the jungle When they when the fucking the world war two shit comes on. I fucking turn it off. It's depressing I lost half my family did not in Jersey. Okay. No idea. They got killed They did what are you talking about my grandfather? We have great we got great furniture There's still have to monetize by the war even tillai's mother or even till today we can't get him to walk into a crematorium. Wait a second. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

All right. Listen, all right. Now listen, what the fuck is a furniture reference? What is it? What is it? Some stuff can still made it. They didn't take all the family. They didn't make it, but you have furniture. Some of, no, some people made it out, obviously,

with furniture. I'm here, but they took furniture. They took some heirlooms. They took some jewelry. I'm not like an armwa, but there's like, my little lamb. There's no fucking uncle carrying an amwan as back. Well, some of them, we worked hard. They would eat it, they would eat it, swallow it.

Yeah. One of my uncle swallowed a chair and shit it out. And then we all saved it. What is it? Nothing. I Can't there's too many people talking. Yeah, listen listen. You got to really listen No, some jewelry and some heirlooms made it out. I'm serious. Okay. I get that I get jewelry You can put that in a bunker, but I didn't mean I didn't mean like well first of all I thought we get a bigger layoffs So now I feel like I bombed on your fucking show. I don't know funny Jessica. Thank you. Thank you Chris with nine minutes in you got a whole

I'd blow you if I thought we'd both enjoy it. I really would sure and I was good at that because I like to eat true I really took it. Yeah, so do you not do it anymore? I do I do but in different ways we'll talk about that later But this is the thing no, let's talk about the holocaust but in different ways, we'll talk about that later. But this is the thing. No, let's talk about the Holocaust. I'd rather talk about the Holocaust than I would have the Holocaust than I would have about giving a bluck-jah. Sorry.

Is that how you give a blowjob? No, but I do get watched that in porn, the choking, and I like that. It doesn't happen. I do like that too. Really? I love gonna chick spit, I like a wet blowjob. I do too, I put Really? I love going to chick spits. I like a wet blow job. I do too.

I put in the search face fucking. I really have to really push her head, like balls deep to make her even fake a choke. But, no, that's good. I don't get a full choke. It does take a lot. I have to,

It does terminate on. I'm serious. That's a very open set about it. You're gay, but you, I slept with a bunch of men. I never say that I wouldn't sleep with a guy again. That's why I don't label myself. That's why I don't totally turns you on. I don't watch Lesbian porn or gay male porn. I used to watch gay male porn. I thought you used to turn me on. You know what? I hate row, but I only like watching gay porn. Lesbian? Yeah, you then you're curious.

We'll talk after the show. Are you gonna turn my fucking you gonna turn Kelly out? Maybe I don't know the accents killing me. Is it this is the thing. Are you gonna turn my fucking, you're gonna turn Kelly out? Maybe. I don't, the accent's killing me. This is the thing. Can you please not do that? Cause I need her around. I don't want her fucking uppity in here. But girls love funny women.

They don't, yeah. This is the thing. She's a comic too though, you know that? I know. But, but I, I do like watching hetero porn. I do. I only watch hetero porn. And I like it like that. I like the only thing I like about lesbian porn porn. I do. I only watch hetero porn. And I like it like that.

I like that. The only thing I like about lesbian porn is when they kiss. I, nothing about it turns me on. And when guys, when guys kiss in gay porn, I've seen it. It's, it's, it's, this suns. No, it's gay for pay so you might not be feeling it. It's right.

There's something aggressive. It's too aggressive. I love aggressive. A lot of those gay point actors are straight guys That's like the thing with gay point a lot of those guys are straight. They get three times as much money First of all, fuck you if you make love to a man or fuck a dude you're gay you're bisexual That's true because what about in the movies? They pay you to ask my wife if that's true I kind of agree if you get turned on and get and you get a hard on and you get off

There's Viagra. They're not necessary Yes, that's what I'm saying. They're not all taking listen to me You're fucking a guy and you're coming you're coming to an orgasm You get a hard on with Viagra that doesn't make you come you have to be turned on to fucking come and when you're fucking a guy's asshole and you come, you, oh, you're turned on by it. You've never had sex with someone that you're like, kind of mediocre.

You're like my wife. I think about fucking, I think about fucking guys every time, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That's hysteric. Listen, listen, listen, listen, Modi, get your fucking, everybody's staring at me now. Listen, Chris, Modi, relax.

Oh, I'm sorry. I love how honest you are though. I, I, I, I, I think there's something, if you're sleep, if you're sleeping with men and you're a man, there's something going on. I'm not saying you're gay at all, but there's, they, I, they, I, men who sleep with men. If you're bisexual, you're a guy.

Yeah. You're gonna end up with a guy. If you're a bisexual girl, most of the time, you're bisexual, you're a guy. You're gonna end up with a guy. If you're a bisexual girl, most of the time, you're gonna end up with a guy as well. No, because I know a guy who's only gay in the back. What does that mean? Can you not use this, that's like Jewish culture. What does that mean?

Yeah, it's a catcher. Yeah. Was his sloppy bottom? He sleeps with a lot of women. His name is Facebook. Look him up, he's awesome. I know a lot of, I think I know some men like that too, actually. Yeah, he's just, he's heard of that. He's way into guys. He's awesome. I know a lot of I think I know some men like that too actually Yeah, he's just he's heard of that. He's way into guys. He's very much a size queen

But they but he but he only gets it in the back So there's only like a one way. Can you say it? It's a mean he gets fucked in the ass. I know. Yeah, he only likes the fuck. He doesn't like fucking Right, he wants to receive it. He won't give it He only received it. Yes, he fucks girls every which way possible okay but he's more dominant with females and less so with men but he's he is the one of the very few bisexual men that I know that like you said have not you know just kind of used it as a gateway but okay here's I saw this documentary on TV I was

on MTV where the something might life or some shit. And this guy, this couple have been together since high school. And the lady kind of lost, she's not as good looking as he was anymore, she's kind of a little older. He kind of aged a little better. Maybe he was a little younger or something, and he does gay porn for pay. But when he, let me tell you something,

when he's kissing his chick, and when he's fucking that guy, I thought that one. This motherfucker, there's a difference. There's a difference in the touch, in the face, in the, there's so much more passion when he's fucking with that dude and kissing that guy.

And then his wife comes in and they're like, we love each other a lot, and it's just I do this and she goes to kiss him. And he, it's like, he this and she goes to kiss him and he it's like she took fucking like 13 day old chicken and rubbed it on his lips I think I saw that one and that guy was gay gay gay gay That's my father used to call me gay gay gay gay I'm a football field

Catch the ball gay gay gay gay Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the football field. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Catch them all, gay, gay, gay, gay. Yeah, I had a retarded father with a stroke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. I met your father. I love the first one. Everyone loves my father.

They didn't grow up with him. I met Jessica's father. He's very charming. They live somewhere in Jersey. Short Hills. Spensive house. Billion dollar house. It's not a billion dollar house. I come in This is the first time and they told me like you told me he um he what do you call he invented something right lipstick

Something He makes make up and nail polish and cosmetics. He has a very. He comes down the stairs. What is named? Revlon. His name is Jew. If you saw him, it would just be Jew.

He's very good looking. He's a trucker. Yeah, a little bit of a two pay. Yeah, a little bit and this the first thing He says to me. Yeah, it looks like I'm gonna count the stairs. It's awful his to pay. He says to me these pants 1799 they're irregular He's always joking around. No, no nothing. Yeah, irregular look this little section here is cut

But otherwise their brand new their fabulous And he's a millionaire. I got to tell you something listen I'm being let me talk for one second. That is so not my father. I mean, no, let me just cuz you know that happened Right, you know that whatever he's always joking around whatever. No meaning meeting not to you Oh, do you fight you fight? You fight how much money do you have a year account? juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi juh-fi j I'll take prune juice. This is my father. Can we have the check? That's my father so the second he means you without even saying hi. It's a joke Your father was joking being a Jew. Yeah, he's not he's not cheap trust me. Yeah, he's not a nice nice thing

Here's a thing too. Okay, so you father has a lot of cash and he is a wife who's 20 years younger is hot I like him already hot. I mean she was 20 when she Jewish. I mean, she was 20 when she Jewish. Yeah. Okay. She was his secretary. Nice. He did the right way. Holy shit. The whole thing. Why did you meet her dad when Jessica had a child? They did a baby naming in the house. Right. And I played the role of the rabbi slash. It was beautiful. We did a very nice time. Because you amazed me. This is one thing I know about you, Modi. I knew you as a comic in the seller. We kind of came up together at the seller. And but then all of a sudden I started all this other stuff you still do.

And then you were at Nome's wedding and you're singing. Never mind, Nome's wedding. I did Mani's funeral. Yeah, you did Mani's funeral. You have all these other, I mean, talents or jobs or hats, I would say hats that you do. Like you, you can marry, you can marry people, right? I have a license to marry people absolutely. It's crazy. What would, I don't know, look, I have a hard time writing a fuck. I have a hard time writing a joke down. Never mind getting another big, small career.

Like that, in some people's life, I'm gonna go become a rabbi, or I'm gonna be able to marry people and make them money. I'll tell you how it happened. In college, I was at BU, and there was a sign on the student board. If you need somebody to lead the service, to lead the service, they're gonna give you $100 to be a canter, like if you 500.

So I went from Baruchatah, and I took Baruch, like if you 500. So I went from Borough, Ghatar, to Borough. Like I just, what was that? You know, you just sang it like what happened? What happened? What happened? Right. So then I got, and then I got a scholarship to the Bell School of Music, okay?

You sing? Yeah, I got a scholarship to the Bell School of Music. It's a Jewish like school. You look, you look, you look at how it's singin' the, huh, properly. And then I did Howard Stern. I got a scholarship to the Bell School music. going to start to me and you finish it. He goes, Baruch, Sado, Shema,

Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch,

Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Baruch, Bar We all knew it. I just said my plot because it's the candy I know.

I'm fucking Jewish, they know it. I thought everyone was joking. I was at a Jewish camp, they all know it. I just said my chale, hell, fuck. This isn't Catholic when we fucking only one person of the church knows it. And we all do. Oh, Jesus.

They all know it. I apologize. I got from doing that Stern gig, I got this Russian couple that asked me to perform their wedding, huge Stern fans. And I did their wedding. And my rabbi got me a clergy license, whatever it was that you had to do with the state. So I can do the civil marriage.

I did that one couples wedding. There were four couples in the event. They all canceled their rabbis and canters because he hired me because you're young You're cool. I made fun. I made it funny if you go online. How'd you make it funny? Do you make like balloon animals? No, no, I don't know all kind of you know, I'll tell you what freaked me out when I was a Jewish camp I used to have Catholic corner. There was two Catholic kids that went there We sat in the corner with napkins on on a corner. We had nappings. You had to need just got a Catholic one.

We had nappings on our head because they didn't have enough fucking Yamakas, right? Oh hilarious. But this rabbi would come out and take the Jewish songs and put them to like Billy Joel songs. Right, I can do that too. And it was fucking awesome. I was like, this is the shit.

Hello, can you, hello, can you hear my voice? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? What's that? Sing us a song, the piano. Oh, sing us a song, you're the piano.

Can you hear it? Hello, can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it?

Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? Can you hear it? I know this guy, this guy who did He rewards, but you know what song is that I'm gonna start a fucking G-Hot I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know But so but it's so then rabbi is not the same as a priest. It's a different thing I you get the priest don't get paid priest get no no the life of so you got to give up fucking everything You're so full of shit and so is your culture Oh my god Chris if you don't step up for us

What are you Chris your mother and your grandmother and your great-grandmother is fucking ashamed of you right now You you're a fucking you're from Brooklyn. I know you're a dad You're gonna let them talk to you Chris I mean what do you think it's what's full of shit? Well, it seems it seems to me that religious leaders have tend to have the most money with the most you know Whatever the most money with the most, you know, whatever. Catholic Greece? Yes. Are you fucking kidding me? We have no money, Catholic Greece. Rabbis are the ones who have all the money.

You mean you mean to run? Yeah, that's the Pope, but that's the Pope. That's different. My father Bill, and it just fucking sits in the rectory all day. Not sure if you know this, but you know, the mosque that's built downtown, the Biccanti-Vos mosque, the head iman got busted yesterday

for laundering all the money. I did hear about that. Everybody made donations to fund some programs to help out kids and help out people and help out, and it all helped write his bank account. It went right in. Did they not know how to launder money? No.

He should've just got to go rabbi and said rabbi I'm in the mood for making the donations. How do I laundry this properly? The dummy put it right into his account. I'm going to move for curry chicken. Well, I was speaking of food. Listen, I want to get off this. By the way, can I just say super quick? I'm talking about all religious leaders. There's a lot of them that are corrupt and talking about in my in my religion. Well, I gave it up for atheism, but um that's hilarious

It's for it's the stupidest thing Oh, that happened for me. Wait a minute when a Jew says I'm atheist It's it's not like a Catholic person who says I'm Christian. I'm atheist you can't once you're a Jew or Jew You don't understand that I'm like you're a big Jew I understand what I look like I understand the no matter what everyone's gonna look at me and think Jew but in in my thoughts in my there is I thought Italians there's no prayer There's no there's no God in my heart. There's no Jew culturally you're talking about if you put into town tomorrow. You're next to me on that train. Yes. Yes Oh my god, I have so much in

First of all not next to you you'd be on the string. She'd be on she'd be she'd be here They'd let her hang out a little Yeah, she's gonna hot you'd be right on the train with a fucking patch on your shoulder. Hello, right on your G-Star Fucking jacket wait, we talk about one second. I did a gig Jessica. You have to hear this Jessica and I do Jewish gigs. I did a gig in Old West Bering, huge money, huge, huge, huge, huge money. The guy lost a son to juvenile diabetes, right? And he had this big event in his house. And he wanted to show how his beautiful house is and all his, the guy was a

Holocaust fanatic. You can't imagine this. So you walk into the house and there's like a framed star that they used to wear oh my god all kinds of crap and you can tell this holocaust up But you don't really pay attention to it right now you're down. You're there for the part of the party for the show, right? That's right. You're there for the food. I go into the food Then the guy says you want you want to come see where the show is louder mode, right? You want to see the show is what show? The comedy show Where are the your doing

Anyway, I go in to see where the show is and the guy has this nine foot by eight foot statue Inness of of the house like a memorial thing and my microphone is right in Morial thing and my microphone is right in So just just so you have in your visual there's hands coming out barbed wire Oh my god flames flames and he commissioned some artists and paid millions of dollars for this cuckoo Maybe think the business living room people were walking into the room from the food room and like their eyes Just like what the fuck they were like in shock and you know what I go on stage exactly I go on stage I was there a stage if the stage it was stage the place sat 120 people it's a living room how was the air was it stuffy now anyway I get in front of the

mic and people just dying to know what I'm gonna open with do you understand the ego of the comic that you still went No, I can do it me. I'd run I can do it. I run out of their sobbing. I would have it's a job It's a job. Are you out of your mind? First of all and once you know you're gonna one do once you know that you're gonna I have it in my writer no in my rider, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Now things work out well being Auschwitz next week. Sorry I'm late, the trains were running off tonight and the place just died laughing. That's funny. Now that he literally did, they all died during the show. I know I'm sorry.

I apologize, you were right. Speaking of food, let's continue. Well, here's a thing. Is that it's funny that you guys are all here and you actually brought it up before the show and you told me last week about this this movie that really

Fucking breaks it down. It breaks it down and There's another book that I got to that I'd like to talk about but hunger for change is a movie Moody's been bugging me got it. He's been taxed to me entire you guy. You got to watch it You got how do I'm trying to imutate you for some reason Yeah, I'm making one of the watch the old lady on golden girls, right? I have to watch it You have to watch the movie and it'll change your eating habits. I watch it if he wants to I don't why do I have to watch a whole movie? I just ate it in brisket. Every day with this. It's called Hunger for Change.

You've seen the movie. I did. I did recently. I hate doing this to people. You got to watch it. You got to watch it. Change your life. Blah blah blah.

Just do what you want. But it's so broke it down. What foods do you and why you should avoid it? Because until we know this stuff and they say over and over in the movie we know you know this but why aren't you doing this. And it's you know a lot of times it's a difference between do I order white rice or do I order brown rice and I go well who gives a shit they're both rice it's both carbs it's both what you kind of know like they're both kind of not what I should have I'll choose the white rice but you know they're talking about what causes cancer and they're talking about why,

what is that? They compare cocaine to a fructose corn syrup, which is that was the most interesting part because they played that commercial which really pisses me off, that commercial where you go, why would you eat that? It has high fructose corn syrup. Well, why is that bad?

And the guy blanks because for the most part, we blank, we for you bad for you sounds like it's not a good idea you know we understand chocolate is not the best thing in the world we understand certain things but this they explained why and they and they i love that they play that commercial i love that they shut it down and they spoke to you like you're a human being who's not supposed to know your entire nutritional system, you know. Right. And the one thing they said that it was around halfway through the movie that fucking shocked me because it's not just one guy or one company or one group.

It's all of the specialists in all the fields giving their opinions. And I've read every one of their books. Right. All of them. Right. Giving their opinions and they're all giving the same type, basically opinion. And then they went, don't go on a diet. Don't diet. And I was like, what? And then the other guys don't, don't diet. That's the kind of way they roll out the movie is that they all kind of talk and talk and then they all

give their, but again, we've heard that before, but you know, you're on a diet, but we're on a diet all the time. But they do work. South Beach works. It's a temporary work. Okay. You're changing. That's my point that I was gonna make is that it it works It lost a lot of weight on South Beach, right what I never ever Fucking did is ever realize what the fuck I Was I was putting into my mouth and the sugar and then the aspartane scared the fuck out of me. I mean, it's sweet and low. For did you put sweet and low my coffee?

I'll kill you. It's sweet and low. It's the most. That's the most. Splendid. Splendid, sweet and low. All those things are absolutely there. They're so detrimental to your health.

And what they do to your psyche too, they make you think you're getting something sweet. You don't get it. And now you're truly craving it. I'm stupid. And now you're going to pick it up somewhere else. That's the crazy part. Is that it fucks with your brain? But you see how what they're really saying is that everything now is genetically modified

like the cigarettes. The cigarettes are made by a company that wants to keep selling you cigarettes. So in bread now, keeping in mind, bread today has nothing to do with bread 10 years ago or bread 500 years ago. The bread we're eating today and the bread our parents ate are two different things. It's engineered, it's modified, it has it has addictive ingredients in it. There's an amazing book you should read by Dr. Davis Cole. I'm not reading another book. Wheat belly. belly. It's called wheat belly and Dr. Oz put him on and Dr. Oz you know always kept saying if you if you eat whole wheat bread you'll be okay and this guy says you won't be well. Whole wheat bread is bread with a

little black dye in it. That's it. Brown dye it's it's the worst thing in the world. Well from wonder bread but not every you know you got to get the whole grains and the real thing and you're wrong so no you're wrong no this is good so I'm telling you all the breads now are completely the soil the soil there's another amazing movie you should see it's called um it's called no it's called bad bread so it matters and you see and you see the bread the fields first of all the fields now right used to be of all, the fields now, right? You used to be... Are you talking about the fields with like, with gladiator was walking through

and the top, like the wheat fields, that type of field? No, I'm talking about the fields where anything's grown. Okay. Queue cumbers, tomatoes. It used to be an even, an even distribution of all kinds of fruits and vegetables and wheat. Now, it's like each trauma does only one thing, which is not good for the plan.

Why? Why? I don't know why, why, but it's not a healthy thing for me. Well, first of all, why? Okay, wait a minute now. Are you telling me that it's not healthy? It's not healthy. Let me document, they'll tell you why. I forgot the exact...

Google that, would you? I want to know why that... I don't read matters. But it matters, yeah. I feel like everything is not the right thing. Google that fact. Don't Google the fact. Google that would you want to know why that fact? I don't feed matters. But no, I feel like everything else is fine. Google that fact. Don't Google the fuck. Google the fact. But everyone's talking about like cancer and all these chemicals. Chris is very knowledgeable on highly knowledgeable nutrition and food.

Am I correct? Well, I have a doctor in physical therapy, but I'm not like nutritionist, but what I do know is you just got wet in the room But I do know, but I do know the simple, you know, fact that all these documentaries, you know Of course, everything is right. It's all facts what they're putting together But it also matters what how your body is. I mean mind and your bodies are two different chemistry ladder So what comes in any chemical coming into my body could cause, you know, a chain reaction and cause free radicals and cause me cancer, where you may have a certain type

of genome that is just resistant to that and no matter what you put in your body, you are not going to get this specific type of cancer. So it is, you can take this necessary steps to go on a diet or not go on a diet or put whatever you want to read in documentaries, you know, into place. But the truth is, if you have the pre-disposed genome to this cancer or this disease, you're going to fucking get it. That's just, that's what's really. But you're wrong. No, I'm not wrong. That's proven harder than any documentaries. And I've seen that working one-on-one with many, many, many, many patients who have, you know, people, you know, you see all the time, people never smoke the cigarette in their life, dive lung cancer, people who smoke cigarettes

every day to their 96, never get lung cancer. That comes down to a predisposition of genomic trauma. Are they not, aren't they in the minority though? And if you are smoking cigarettes, you are no matter what, increasing your chance. Absolutely, but, absolutely, but they're still, that's still the people who will get the cancer are still predisposed gonna get cancer

Some chrome is up to some genome where they are gonna get cancer. That's shit That's why it runs in families. Yeah, of course risk go up of course the problem is that right now It seems like everyone's at risk with the stuff that we're putting on our table and in it That's what the difference is you know, we're such a fat country and so predisposed I mean first of all all I think it's what, 60% now, if people are pre-diabetes, diabetes as a condition increases risk for cancer because that changes your blood chemistry. And now can, you know.

You know the worst is rubber. Would you consider yourself addicted to food? Absolutely. I'm addicted to food, but also that I, this goes into the other thing. I got this book, my manager told me to get this book, The Power of Habit. And it was, what? Cone, Cone, no, Jimmy. My other manager. So I went with the same people. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah. I do more with your career. Listen, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I have a cone of Smith. No, I love cone of Smith. He's my manager too, but the other one. And it's basically, here's a deal. This is what fucked me up. I'm in, I wake up, great day, walk the dogs, have a cup of coffee, sit at my computer. I'm looking at, I got all my sets that I recorded from Albany,

and I put one in, I start doing a little work, and I check my Facebook, and then I go back to work, and then I get bored, I check my Twitter, and then I realize that I get a lot of work, and then I go make this call, and I go to the show tonight, and I go to make this other call. Fuck, I gotta do that, and then this is coming up and this week, I have to go, and I have to fly,

and all of a sudden, I get tired, and I get, I always got to take a nap. I just woke up two hours ago and I got to take a nap and I got to go down my body shuts down and I got to go downstairs but I'm supposed to work out. I got to work out before therapy because I was supposed to wake up at eight o'clock and go to the gym but I put it off and now I'm working and I said that's okay too because at least it's working. I'll go to the gym but now I'm getting more tired and then I got to take a nap I just got a nap and because if I don't have sleep I won't go to the there and then I won't have a good show tonight

So let me go downstairs and all of a sudden I'm in bed and I'm sitting there curled up And I'm just trying to sleep and I'm not tired. I'm just I'm my body shut down and I'm sitting to go on this is a habit This is a habit I created in sixth grade This is when I got overwhelmed and I got anxiety and to defend myself from the world and the pain and the people and the places and the things I would shut down. Find a corner, find a bed, find a chair, pull a blanket over my head, make a tent, whatever I had to do to go away. So in an hour or two I wake up and it will be new. But when you were a kid that was probably healthy so that you can continue your life.

Well, you have to do that. It was never healthy. It was never healthy. When I used to. No, when I was in sixth grade, I was depressed because I had no friends and I had no father and I had nobody to go to and I had this raging pain inside me and fear and doubt and insecurity. I would go outside the door with my little lunch bag, kiss my mom goodbye, go around the house, open the tornado doors, go into the basement on the cement floor, way back into the corner where I made a bed and I'd sleep all day. And I did that for two weeks before I got caught. I'd sleep all day by myself, awake and then asleep, awake and then asleep. Just because I couldn't face the world and I didn't know how to, nobody said, talk to me or let me know how to do things

or let me know what anxiety was or let my fears out. So that went into food. So now here I'm in bed and I'm sitting there going, oh shit, I just read this book about habits. This is a fucking habit. I'm doing what I usually do. I can just get the fuck up right now and just jump on the treadmill in my house

that I bought for $ dollars that folds up perfectly It's the most amazing treadmill ever. I used to five times it goes right away and just push a button it folds down automatically It's beautiful and I can just get the fuck up and break this habit Right the fuck now and I just I just screamed Fuck it and I got up and I jumped on the fucking treadmill and all of a sudden a half hour later, I felt like a million bucks. I went through the whole day. I had energy, I got all my work done,

I had a great show, my attitude was great, I ate fucking healthy because my brain was healthy enough and my psyche was healthy enough to make those choices that I need to just because I empowered my own fucking brain, my own character. I gave myself the power that I take away from myself because I realized that it's a habit I do. And when I start to create these good habits, like we go to boxing and you know, Moti's a fucking animal and he goes every day. And I was sitting, I'm like, oh my God, I have to,

I can't go every day. That's my thing, if I can't do what he does, I don't do it. I'll do it for two weeks and then I get tired and I get a gig or an audition and I'm like, and then I feel guilty and then I feel sad and overwhelmed, anxiety sets in, I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping again, but I can do two days a week,

and I can do two days a week on the treadmill. That's what I can do. That's realistically what I can do, and feel good about it, and then eat good. I had to set up with an intern of ours because he was like, oh, I used to run in high school, blah, blah, blah, I'm like, I used to run something, I don't know, I was never runner.

My body's not a running body, I'm not good at it. I'm school bubble, I'm like, I used to run something, I don't know. I was never runner, my body's not a running body, I'm not good at it, I'm more jog, I walk with, whatever it is that I do. I had to set it up with him, okay, before we start work twice a week, we're meeting a little bit early and we're going to run. Let me tell you the times when I wake up because this guy is gonna be waiting for me

if I don't get there, I would not have woken up. I don't want to run, I look at, before we start, every time I'm just like, oh, I don't get there, I would not have woken up. I don't want to run. I look at before we start, every time I'm just like, oh, I don't want to do this. Then when it's done, I never think, oh, I shouldn't have done that. I always think, oh, glad we did that. Yeah, no, it's, it's another, this boxing thing is absolutely amazing. I, I, I, two and a half years ago, I broke, I did this diet. It was a diet cleansing thing for 40 days

where you eat- Like mozels? Where you eat, well, you know, it's funny because in the, in Jewish teachings, it says to break a habit is 40 days, to break a serious habit, right? I think it's also in- For questions at 30. Anyway, for athe I think it's all so in the questions it's 30 yeah yeah anyway so

I'm atheist I it's 500 I dropped um not that I was fat right but I it was very evenly around me I was 40 pounds heavier you're definitely. I went not. I did this. I did this thing, but you you eat almost nothing. Right. But at the 20th, the 20th day at the turgist, the 21st day, you're your compress if you want to mix up your hypothalamus starts to change. You feel really the hypothalamus. Oh my god.us Can't take And you did you say 21 days that happened? I love how he goes into his whole silo liquid you guys let him rant and rave

And I Was I literally at the end of my silo glee? I didn't know it was one of those Yeah, but it's you were shocked that no one to run to do like Jesus Christ if Dan Soto or Joe listen They would have been nineteen fucking shots at my right, but now that I'm telling my little thing, these are, no, so in other words, I broke, I broke my habits of bread and sugar completely. Right, I dropped 40 pounds in 40 days. And that's never one.

And Modi, listen, no, no, I wanna ask you a question. I'm being totally serious right now. Do you consider yourself an addict? To food? No, do you consider yourself an addict to anything? Everybody's an addict, it's not true. It is absolutely true. 100% not true.

I will fight you for this. Everybody has an addiction. Some of them are completely, you can see it. It's a smoking, drinking, but then there's hidden ones. So tell me the personality. Tell me. The role called dependency, called independency. Okay, so all the dedications. But then there's hidden ones. So tell me the personal, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me,

tell me, tell me the personal, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me,

tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal,

tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, tell me the personal, whether it's drugs, alcohol, food, dating. Okay. I could go to a casino and go crazy. Because I'm an addict. So I'm an... I don't know that. So, so, well, then you're not an addict.

This is the thing. No, that's not... Let me talk. No, let me talk for one second. Okay. In the sense that I'm talking about, you can be... You can have... What I agree with is that you have addict tendencies.

Generally, I'm saying, like, you can have addict tendencies to be addicted to food or be, but if you're a true addict from what I've suffered from my entire life and when you were speaking, I nodded my head 700 times because I understand what he's saying, okay? I understand exactly what you're saying. Look at it, Robert. This is the thing, okay? When there's picture, there's four garbage cans and they're each in addiction.

Most addicts have three lids, meaning there's one we're always dealing with, okay? Okay. So if I'm doing really well and I'm not craving drugs or alcohol or being with different people, you know, all at one time, meaning not all the same room, but you know what I'm saying? Like dating five people or going to a fucking, you know, casino and gambling thousands of dot, whatever it is, I'm dealing with food. Right, right.

But the other stuff's doing okay. So addicts and there's personalities when you really struggle with that kind of depression and hunger, meaning like having to smash your feelings. You cannot function. You can't function without help. Meaning, if you're addicted to, if you deal with like a tendency to be addicted to food,

you know, oh shit, I keep eating bread. I'm like totally, I feel like I'm totally, that's different than not being able to literally function in the world. Don't forget something that this bread that you're eating now from that movie, we're learning, you're, you're, you're,

I'm sorry for that book I was telling you about. Which I agree with, yeah. The bread now is also, and it's like, it's like nicotine. The bread you're eating now makes you want more of it. Well, how do you, okay. Oh, so here's the thing, okay. So by the way, and I'm so sorry to cut off even the host,

but just because you don't nod your head at his addiction, it doesn't mean that his addiction isn't real. No, I'm not nodding. I'm not nodding. I know. It just means that she doesn't like modesty as much as you know. No, no. People have different, everybody in the world has addictions.

Some of them are blatant. Anger is an addiction, right? Anger, there's an incident downstairs, there's my anger's an addiction, codependencies an addiction, controlling isn't a addiction. Fuck you mean anger's an addiction, right? But it is.

But I'm saying, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that, you're obviously not standing in front of traffic on a four degree weather smoking a cigarette, which is blatant addiction. I was. I'm not saying that Moni's not an addict, but a true addict in their addiction,

their addiction is taking over their entire life. Your anger can take over your anger. No, I'm not saying. I'm not saying. And then you guys aren't even listening. You're in a higher life too. I'm not saying anger. I co-dependency did take over my life.

I had to go away for a week because of it years ago. I'm not saying anger, can't co-dependency, can't. I'm saying, if you can, co-dependency, can. I'm saying, if you can function in your life, I'm talking about you can't function. Like you want to fucking kill yourself. Right. Because you're in that addiction, that's different than just wanting to eat a doughnut.

Isn't that just rock bottom? But people don't have to have- We do everything, you're gonna say, or addicts, we do things to exchange. I'm trying to explain. 40 days, you know, I I'm trying to explain 40 days You know, I just stopped doing it for 40 days that doesn't work I can't do that. Obviously, it doesn't work Hold on first of all if you do this for 40 days you cut the bread

There's a diet. It's not a method. You just stop because you can't stop I understand you say but it's it's not about it's not about the bread It's not all the donuts or the sugar others You gonna stand? It's the it's the what it does for us when I'm in a hotel room and I have nobody and I can't smoke, I can't drink, I can't fuck something, I can't pay for sex. That's what I'm trying to say.

I can't deal with feelings. I can't. The things that make me, you know, all right, I can chase something. You wanna hurt yourself. You know, wanting pizza. When a pizza comes, when I know that pizza, it's fine, it's okay, go into the front desk.

What delivers? All right, give me that, give me that. You get Chinese, give me that too. Now go and upstairs, go through that menu, like a fucking pussy, you know what I mean? And then fine, I'm gonna get that pizza. Let me get the chicken wings just in case, and you know, because that's a little healthy,

chicken's healthy, you know, they fried it. And I wanna get a couple cogs, so I want to get some chips. And then when it comes all of a sudden, you take it by the, I'm going to have a couple sizes. Then you take one bite. And then you take, my mouth is watering right now, thinking about it.

And, you know, that's what aggravates me. This is another thing too, which we talked last week on the show about these people who on Twitter and Facebook, fat fuck you, fat, I had a yellow to guy today. I do, you give the information, this information like you fat fuck, and it's like I call them out and he goes,

dude, I'm just kidding with you. What the fuck? I mean, I'm sorry I didn't put a smiley face or whatever. I go, he goes, you're gonna be less sensitive. I go, it's not, you calling me a fat fuck. It's the tone in which you do it. It's you're saying, hey, you fat fuck. So I get that you're trying to kid around with me.

If I love you, Bobby, you fat fuck. It's different than, hey, you fat fuck, you gave us the wrong information, fatso. The tone in that is evil. It's fucking evil. And it's harder to. That's no in comedy. That's no in comedy.

People are trying to mimic your comedic style to you and they're missing you. You can't fucking do tone attacks. But when I'm so stop, but it fucking kills you when you're trying, you're trying to, you know, not kill yourself mentally. I'm not even talking physically, ending, I'm saying not kill yourself and your relationships around you with your shitty addictions and the things that you do. You're trying to give to people,

let people around you be happy and you wanna be happy. And now at this stage of the game, I don't wanna die. I have friends of mine who are dead. I don't want to die. I don't want my wife to have a benefit for me. Okay? And people joke about that. And it's a serious thing. It's very serious.

It's hard to go when somebody can just say, I'm done and I'm not going to eat bread. Keith and I were talking about you the day. And with someone like your, you know, you have a role. You have a, you know, people, I just prepare for a role. They drop weight, they do this, they do that. You have a role as a father coming up. You have a role, you're about to have a kid.

Do you have a role in your pocket? Because I'm hungry. Yeah. So, I've been looking at things. And so, it's like, it's a major role. And you need to, you know, understand that. And here's the thing, is that my bottom

that I'm hitting with food, I'm, look, I quit smoking a year and a half ago. I was done and I said that about alcohol when I was done and I know when I'm done as an addict, I'm done. I'm done with you fucking beating me. Food right now, I'm close, I'm done as an addict. I'm done. I'm done with you fucking beating me food right now. I'm close I'm very close and you know, I'm almost I'm almost at my bottom and I'm trying to get there You don't you don't need to hit bottom

You're talking to people here or in a program though, you know, I'm saying I'm not I'm not arguing listen It's like doing to hit bottom? Yes, that's not admirable. No, no, no, no. As an addict, I'll talk for myself. I have to hit bottom hard. What does it mean? But what does it mean to me to try to hit bottom?

And that bottom could be just me waking up and being exactly like he said, saying in my head, I'm done. I can't live like this anymore. I can't have pot sent to me and be a dealer. This is what I did after going to graduate school. I I was a pot dealer and lived off of drugs for years because this is someone who came from a great family who get, you understand I'm saying I got to that kind of bottom where I woke up and said I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna get arrested.

I'm gonna whatever. So he might, he might, I hate to say this, but you're gonna understand this. He might have to get lightheaded for a week and be like, holy shit, I'm gonna fucking have a heart attack. He might wake up tomorrow and say, I've had it. He might, I don't know what this is. Oh, what does it mean? What does it mean to say you're trying to hit the heart? What I mean when I say that,

what I mean when I say that is that I'm hanging out with, I'm listening to Modi, I'm listening to, when people are saying to when people are saying read this book. See this movie. I'm trying. I'm trying to change. I've been trying to change from months now. So first of all, I changed the way you're speaking.

So I'm trying. Take the word trying out. Take the word want out. I am changing. I am going to succeed. You're so right. Stop saying the word moment Vincent P.O. Relax. I know I'm going to open my. I'm in key. I am gonna succeed. You're so right. Stop saying the word Roman Vincent P.O. Relax. I know I'm gonna open my I love you. He freaks when I say this stuff, but the word God. I'm sorry

You could say John just say my god. There's an energy in the world I don't know if you agree with no I don't know Energy in the world energy in the world when you thought when you thought to yourself I'm gonna make a podcast it was a thought that happened with an actions and things came together and people assisted you Because you had a thought is not having the same thing is with your with your weight addiction or any addiction You you I'm gonna stop this right a little listen man. Oh, that's not it's not I know technically Okay, I I get it. It's not but energy of the world logically and it It's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's not but it's it's not Hey, guess what? I'm coming back, you emailed me, you tweeted me, you Facebook, you booked me a bunch of ucoxak ass.

When you come back to Philly Bump, I'm coming back. This Thursday, the 21st, Friday, the 22nd, and Saturday, the 23rd, five shows, five shows only. Go to my website, robbercalilive.com, go hit tour and get all my dates. Chris, you are perfect. Okay, you don't have addictions.

Just take off your shirt. Well, no, I'm not gonna have to. I'm not gonna have to say it. Yeah, I got an out of shape. Hey, got you guys in a prize money. Yeah, but seriously, take your shirt off. No, seriously, just unzip. You know what, we only went to the same bomb.

You don't wanna say, I don't know if this is gonna happen. I know what I wanna that don't want me shirt off. You don't want to say I don't know if Just gonna I know what I want to say get that fucking shirt off No, I'm fine Yeah, have you noticed that everybody has a problem except for you? That's why you know He's got a problem. Look at his hands look at those Look at that anxiety and those no I wish I had that fucking problem well, well, you know you'll get it now You'll get it now you wish that on me, but you take had that fucking problem. Well, well, you know, you'll get it now. You'll get it Now you know wish that on me, but you take throw that wish it on yourself

Take that back in the universe and a divine right in a perfect way Well, no, well by the way, Modi I as much as the next book you need to read as far as covel she's called is called is called is called Yeah, no power of intention by Dr. Wayne D. That is a book that will change your life. I wanna say, I agree with everything you said, my mother's a therapist, my mother has to want me, my whole entire life, that if you believe something, it'll happen, if you intend on, it'll happen. Absolutely.

I agree with it, still can't fight in an addict. And as much as I don't believe in God, I have been to the rooms, I do, I understand what the difference between God and God is, you know, and energy and whatever it is that people, as long as you don't push it on me, I'm fine. No one Chris, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I want Chris, he was trying to get a point. No, what I was going to say is a story that, you know, is, is, is person, I don't know if it's going to help, but my dad was, you know, gambling, addict, you know, in prison, you

know, 385 pounds, I think, when I was born. And you were? He was. Yeah. So you know that mom snatched my son. I am huge. Big fat, Italian baby.

Yeah, mom's posted a double garage door, just a... You can fucking put an open umbrella in her fucking snatch. This is hot. And I know. And my dad and my dad said that, Jesus, you got a big pussy. Yeah, she does. The fuck is the...

He went with it though. Yeah, so fine. He went in it, actually. My dad said that when I was like his only child, so he said when he saw me crying, when I was like, you know 20 minutes old Right, he said something and he was dealing with things that you're talking about where he could never lose weight never stop gambling You know lost all my mother savings like I think 30,000 dollars. He better on the Montreal expose like you fucking

Just asshole the Xbox is a fuck up. Yeah, like he was just a square way of wet expo years that though Oh, I don't know. 84 job center actually So he um, so but what he said was is when he saw me said when he had like in epiphany and he said all the diets that he tried and everything he tried He said he just Quit cold turkey for me. He was not he lost like a hundred pounds I think by the time I was two and completely went to gamblers anonymous got out of his but got help prime lifestyle. No, he didn't get help He went to gamblers anonymous That's all for the way no true, but for the way you just said he stopped because he felt like you're feeling

He was like I don't want I don't want yeah, but what other kicked him out of the house anyway Do you just shit story? Why would you add the end? Well? I didn't I didn't need to know that he like you get this fucking hope awful but i don't know but what but i the reason i think that's because he the damage was like already done so basically here's your story bobby gonna lose all the weight and your son's born and everything will happen and then you i'm gonna die but it might be too late no you're not gonna die my dad my dad's still really active part of my life but

i'm saying that like he was doing all these things like you know with a gambling and the weight and my mother had just kind of like had enough, but he's still for me just did it. But maybe that'll happen for you. Well, here's your thing. Here's your thing. My, when I saw my mother crying and my grandmother crying and I mean tears and then they shut the fucking jail cell door owner when I was 13 and it slammed shut,

and then I rolled over and did pushups. And that didn't help. Wait, tell me that, I didn't hear, I don't understand. The first time I went to jail, Jovey jail, they convicted me in the courthouse, and they were sending me away, and I went downstairs and I was in a cell, and my mother came down to cry and my grandmother crying and

They could have got me out my my bail was $10 They took it from $10,000 to $10 just to get me out because of my first time being you know and she said no Because the judge had told her let him go through the system That he's gonna get help that's the only way it's gonna happen. So she took his advice. Let me go through the system, which in hindsight absolutely worked. But back then, 12, 13, hearing that fuck it, knowing you're going to jail and you're not going home at night. One of two days in jail is okay.

When they shut that thing fucking shut and I didn't know where I was going, my life, I didn't know where my life was going. Like I didn't know where I was going my life. I didn't know where my life was going Like I didn't know if I was gonna When I'm having to kill somebody or I was gonna get killed the murdered or my no idea And then she was crying that didn't do shit for me. It took me three years And then something happened in the last time I got arrested where I went. Oh wait a minute man I try I got arrested where I went, oh wait a minute man, I got responsibility and I understand

what you're saying that all of a sudden there's something in your life that makes you want to do it. But as an addict, as a food addict, I know so many people listen to the show, a fat motherfucker and we want to try and look at, I love when I get these emails dude. I just lost 40 pounds. I just lost 30 pounds because of what you talked about or because of what you did or if I can do a barber you can do it. It's fuck I love it. I fucking love that and it is motivating and it is I'm having a son.

It is motivating me to push to get to the bot. Let's go. Let's do this. I'm done. I'm fucking done and these these movie helped in the book tell understanding my brain and understand why i do stuff but i was a bottom doesn't have to be like low in the gutter some of the i don't have to be sucking a hotdog like it's a cop

no i mean i i guess i agree i'm talking about like is your you trying to both bottom you're trying so it sounds like you're trying to get into positive place and that's you're just not going Loan that's that I agree with what moody says and when moody says you have to change your words I normally when people say that you got to change words, I have to but let's absolutely agree I do agree with it like you're so moody So just to get back to the biblical reference here the world

I know you don't believe in the Bible, but there are lessons in there You but fucking the world. I know you don't believe in the Bible, but there are lessons in there. You have a fucking idea. I know you're Satan, but listen to this devil. I have to bring a non-god in here. The word the word abracadabra, right, comes from the Hebrew from the Bible. It's called ade ade rabbe, which means I say and it happens. When God says it happens, same with you when you say I am- I say that when I jizz on a chick's face right before it comes out I go I'm gonna have a and then I go like this Ta-da I do that when I spit it back out your words are very very strong

Your words your words are very strong and if you watch that documentary like I told you Yes, you'll see it in there. You'll see that it's you've got to change how you think do you do? Meditate and things like that Yeah, you have to I Have it in my head to want to do that and in a way I do because I have to reach a certain level in my brain to do certain things to have the balls to do some Some stuff and I feel like that meditation doesn't need to be It's literally it's an amazing book called Getting in the gap. No, it's not a book. It's a CD played on it I gotta go the library I read comic books it fucking 25

But now we're not we're not 25 anymore. We're 40 we gotta make changes I just got through fucking twilight. Let me What do you do? Blood tests all that what's that? I've done all that stuff blood pressure blood tests all that I did it. I did it a year ago I'm writing the book when we're writing the book with me Billy and Joe to us Ron Skype and I'm writing the book and they're fighting about something or it was either one it was two of us fighting it all times one of us listening to the other

two fight and all of a sudden I got that chest pain. Like somebody was just twisting. And I went, I gotta go. And like, you know, they will let go of dude, that was it. It was, it was a soft-gall spasm. I went and I got checked out. I had a little high blood pressure, not too bad. My heart was fine. I've been checked out ever since.

I'm okay. I don't have heart disease in my family. My grandfather lived to 101. My grandmother's 90. I've got good genes in my system, but here's the fucking deal. Is that I don't want to live this lifestyle anymore. I don't want to be, I look, I don't want to be you, Chris. I don't want to be a little gorgeous. But you know what's, I, but my blood pressure is really high. My cholesterol is through the roof genetically. So it's like, you, yeah, you're going to die. Good look. Exactly. But I'm going to die.

See, I'll be saying, oh my god. I want to see my grandpa died of a heart attack. My father's high cholesterol, I dropped 40 pounds. My, my cholesterol was at the board before they give you the pill. Right. I dropped the 40 pounds. I eat the way I should eat my My cholesterol is way below, right? Way below. And my family has it.

And my father exercises every day too. It's all in the nutrition. So my blood pressure is down. Everything of mine is completely down. And maintain, wait a second, Chris, do you eat? You can't fall back on the genetic thing. You cannot fall back on the genetic thing. I wanna know something.

Hang on a second Chris, do you take care of yourself? Me right now, not as well. When I was an athlete, I was a college athlete. I played ball overseas. I was in tip-top shape. And still my pressure and cholesterol was really high because of probably pretty, I have an Antuza triathlete. You know, when she's got her blood pressure,

one time she got it, ready with like 200 over one for it. So when you're over one point. Yeah, no, I don't have you know, you have shitty jeans Yeah, I have you know, that's sort of a minority. I'm a regular problems. I have all I have I have some issues Okay, so here's the deal. Let me throw this question out to all you fucking cocks. Yes Okay, here's a Here's a deal Okay, you can't now here here's what we have to live, Moody. You can't have bread, you're saying no bread, no sugars. Yeah, okay, forever.

And I'm not kidding when I say can you make your own bread? It's better than bread that's out there, yeah. But it's still not, I'm being serious, it's still not good. So you're saying no bread no sugar But the same way you have a desire to not the way you the way you desire to stop alcohol right if they have the same desire to To stop sugar and to stop the bread and and then but what if you love food? It's the stop so you saw that documentary. Yeah, eat your shit Eat your chips and your belking, whatever you order in. Bring in a salad.

Bring in the tomato. Bring in here. And a thing I wanted to bring out. Bring it all come out. Say that again. That's the biggest part of the documentary. Say it again. Say it again.

I'll be performing at the ice house next weekend as well. What was that? What was that? Sure coming. If you don't, here's a thing to the fatties that this documentary hunger for change really hit home with me. And it was like, oh shit, okay.

Is start bringing in vegetables and salads, start replacing carbohydrates at dinner with more vegetables, start replacing the shitty foods with bad food, and all of a sudden you're gonna start wanting the good food and not the bad food. All of a sudden you're gonna not wanna have the hamburger fries for lunch and the pizzas.

And give your body that nutrition that it wants. I go, I can't say something. Okay, sun in, I went and got a neutral bullet. I don't know what that is. It's a juicer. And, but it's not like the one where the shit shoots out the back and you gotta throw it out and clean it for 45 minutes.

You throw the fucking celery, the beets, the kale, the flax seeds, everything in this thing. And it's right there. And then you just drink out of it and you clean it. It's amazing. Okay. I started juicing. I started having vegetables from meals.

Vegetables and little fruit and seeds as a power punch. You know, almonds or flax seeds or sunflower seeds. And it's, it does make me. It has and this documentary did it. They set it and it fucking believe it. But it didn't make me crave the juice and the hunger from the juice. That hunger, and then Sunday, I went off the fucking rails,

like I usually do, I went and I got fucking, you know, waffles and bacon and eggs and lunch, I had chips and salsa and fucking sour cream and guacamole. Oh my God, invite me to this party. And then dinner we made, we got filet and I cut up the filet very thinly and made homemade steak and cheeses. I just died.

Beautiful, like we're talking large sub-rolls, like soft. We know it's a super ball though, you know? Cheese, oh my God, and we ate it. And we, when we had these cookies, cookies from the bakery, the size of my face. We get it, we get it. Jesus listen to me. Right, and you know, let me finish. I, we passed out.

We fucking passed out. I fucking passed. Me and my pregnant wife fell asleep like in a... She has a reason. A contorted position with the dogs We're looking at it. I said The dogs will you pick your dogs were judging you the dogs were judging you First of all, let me just tell you something I

Exactly when you start the juicing first of all if you go get these juices at like juice connection or whatever places And you're watching the guy putting in for him to get a full cup. He's like putting in parsley and celery and cuckit. It's a massive amount of stuff. I mean, shock. It's only nine dollars. I mean, shock, right? And he's putting it in there. Now your body is craving this stuff. It's craving it, right? And you get more energy and you're going to start because of that energy, not go for the burger or for the bread or no That's and all that stuff and just just salt the salt don't forget the fucking salt the salt makes you want more salty shit No, you're shitty salt like I said it doesn't your shitty salt

Get yourself Himalayan salt I got that it is so good really so delicious I'm not what is it Himalayan salt. I got that it is so good. Really so delicious. I'm not what is it? Himalayan salt see this is where this is where you fucking loot this is where you fucking hippies lose me right when you start Tell me I gotta go to fucking these village on Wednesday So turn it you don't have to go to we live in New York City everything is around the corner I'm fuck yeah, you got the Gigi berries with the thing, and I can't find them. Well, you bought shit. You bought the other things.

You have to want to, you have to want to love your, listen to me for one second. You have to, when you say that, I want to bite your face when you try to have a shot. It's a Jewish way of, it is. Listen to me. Shut the hell up. I love it. I love it You you have to want such a good love yourself enough meaning you have to want to take care of yourself enough Right to go and buy Himalayan salt

I'm gonna be no no I'm saying I just threw up on my mouth Kelly if you fear a pot head right and someone tells you oh man ¿Pero es algo que pensaba que fue un pate? ¿Pero es un pate? ¿Pero es un pate? ¿Pero es un pate? ¿Pero es un pate? Y alguien te dice que es un pate que se vaporiza la cosa y te va a ir a la casa. ¿Y si me va a ir a la casa? ¿Y si me va a ir a la casa y te va a ir a la casa y te va a ir a la casa? ¿Y si me va a ir a la casa? ¿Y si me va a ir a la casa?

¿Y si me va a ir a la casa? Honestamente no podemos eliminar tu carga de trabajo ni las interminables reuniones con tu jefe. Pero sí que podemos ayudar con los dolores de cabeza que te han ocasionado. J-650 con Paracetamol bloquea etiquátmente el dolor y la fiebre. J-Loc-Til rápida absorción contra el dolor de cabeza desde 14 años. De Ferrer. Lea las instrucciones de este medicamento y consulta al farmacéutico. ¿Por qué?

¡Porque, eso es una de tus diferentes personajes originales. ¡No puedo hacer eso! ¡No puedo! ¡Los son! ¡No quiero ir a la pared! ¡No quiero ir a la pared! ¡No quiero ir a la pared! ¡Oh, mi God! Why that should be one of your original characters? I can't take it. I can't listen. You don't want to tell You go it oh my god, but then having a stroke costs a lot. I have insurance. I have insurance We have an insurance cost a lot look. I'm not saying don't do it Now working because gonna cost you a lot got for me to do I know I'm fine

Stop wishing that shit. You just told me where the pal is. And you said I'm not gonna work. She said, and you're telling me I'm gonna stroke. It's not that expensive. You have to deal with it. I don't care. I'm not prying it back.

That's for this. I don't give a shit. It's two things. It's addiction to certain. I believe in everything you're saying. I do. I believe people are addicted to certain foods. Okay.

My mother has not had sugar or flour, anything, in eight years. She literally looks like she's 50 and she's 70. She's stunning. She's not had sugar in flour anything in eight years. She literally looks like she's 50 and she's 70. She's stunning. She's not had sugar in seven years or bread. No, she's married. But she's very healthy. She gave up certain foods. And I personally believe that certain foods,

this is just my opinion, need to be given up because I'm addicted to them. Okay. The other thing is, I have to want to be healthy enough to even fucking give a shit to go buy him a insult. Right. Okay. Because usually I want to dump fucking whatever Morton's salt down my throat. So I die after a bad show. I don't care. No. Do you understand what I'm saying? I have to. I have to. I have to. Morton's I blood. Morton's salt and I'm hoping it'll kill me, but this is the thing you have to want to care about yours

You have to care about yourself enough. He does he's getting there. I was talking about you in the third like you're not here I'm just listening like you're like when a hospital room You sound like the voices in your head Robert's probably having a ton of feelings about becoming a father I'm telling you I a ton of shit How's my other stuff that's going on with the fan with with his career and whatever it is and if he's not dealing with that shit He is not gonna go by him lay in salt. I'm just saying that's such a it's Here's the thing here's the thing is what I'm saying is what the movie said Which was the point I was making is that if you I added the vegetables in I added the juicing in yeah, and all of a sudden

I went down and got flax seeds. I didn't have them. It's the I then I saw somebody on a YouTube video going if you had a little flax seeds that's a boost, but you have to grind them because and all of a sudden like let like, let me go ahead and fucking get those. And I went and got them and I have that in my system now. And I understand what you're saying, you're right. It is an addiction. And I do, but once you, the one thing that this movie said to me was, was exactly, have it, but have this, and then all of a sudden, like Sunday. This is what I was trying to get to at the end of that story.

We passed out, we woke up, fucking trash. I'm talking a heroin overdose of fucking cookies and carbs. And what'd you do? I went up, I made a, we're all dehydrated, all the water, we just wanna, I went and made a juice. Good for you. I made a juice of celery. You're doing great. I made celery grapes pairs it

was all this fresh tasting stuff cupcake and frosting I was and I and it was amazing we drank two cups of water of each was still dehydrated we had this juice the dehydration was gone and you and you gone you begin now that you're looking at you begin to learn different things you know if dehydrated, we had this juice, the dehydration was gone. And you've gone. And you begin, now that you're looking at, you begin to learn different things. You know, if you wake up in the morning, take a glass of water, put a squeeze a little bit of lemon in, and that does. And it's taking right in your ass.

And what that does to your body is that it adjusts the the PA levels of your body. Right. You know, it's a glass of water, but yeah, it's an it's an effort to take a glass of water and put okay Here's the deal though is that when you like you have to start somewhere exactly and you have to It's like you can't overwhelm yourself. You can't look at other people and go they do this They he does that you can't you have to do what you can fucking do as an individual I don't give if you're a fat truck driver or some fat bitch in a cube.

Or you're on the fucking robe road. We're all the same. I mean, Kelly, look at Kelly. Yeah. I mean, you're starting to gain weight a little bit. Wow. Oh. No, no, no, this is a very,

no, we've talked about it. We talked about this all the time. No, she was this way. I wear. No, no, I was big. I was a very big girl. She was bigger. Yeah, excuse me when I wear. No, no, I was big. I was a very big girl. She was bigger. Yeah, it was bigger.

I was a lot bigger. But you were still a great person. No, thank you. I had to work on my personality. Were you like, like, 50 pounds heavier? Like 40? Wow. And then I lost away.

I'm probably about five months ago. Four months ago, I got to my skinniest. Like, ever been like, the doctor was like, you need to put on some weight. This is pretty, remember? That's a dead end. It may even Bobby said to me, he's like, I think I'm a bit like.

She got real skinny. Where she was going, where we as addicts, or we as, you know, fatties, because like I say in my act, you don't have to be 1,000 pounds to be a fatty. It's up here. It's up here. It's like, that's why I don't like people

who have never had a fat. I don't trust you, because you've been the same your whole life. You know what I mean? It's like, I've had a couple. I'm up here, even when I'm thin, I'm fatty. Right. And she,

I just got offended at why I was invited on the show. Okay, continue. You weren't invited on the show because you're a fat. Jesus Christ. Go what a girl's always have to bring it there. Listen, you, you, you actually, she lost so much weight she was going in the other direction. It's like, we don't know which way to go.

I was with an anker. But it's still that same mentality. I was sad. I knew I started to look at food going, I don't want to eat. I just didn't want to eat anymore. And gradually I was like it started I started feeling better again And it was something you know, but there's a bunch of tricks you learn while you're changing yourself Exactly Excuse me and you add things on and you now you're talking to people who are you know try this and try that and and you

It's it's what is it? What is it if you had a fucking if everybody had a say right now What is it how do you not do you fat fuck oh? I think guys are gonna call the you know that's a different we can go through on the table But I think is for me I have to just give up certain foods. I cannot have certain foods You know I can't I literally can't I can't have a drink and I can't have a fucking bagel But I got to say I literally can't I can't have a drink and I can't have a fucking bagel You grew up in a in a Jewish home and we like I look at bacon He's not talking to me and I look at bacon and I see it as just like an evil thing Oh my god, I don't like bacon either but not because the coach I think I just never got around so like shrimp bacon

These are I don't trust you if you don't like bacon. These are yeah, I don't trust you if you don't like bacon I like bacon. I don't trust you if you don't need fucking bacon. Oh my god. So I now look at bread the way I look at bacon I know I want bacon on bread evil on about bread right is an evil thing now Yeah, but okay, but how about if how about if bread Here's the thing I love food. I love going to dinner. I love I Listen to me hang on my second I want to get you dick hard moody and I'm not gonna do it with fucking Chris's torso I'm gonna do it. I love going to a restaurant Little slower. I'm gonna go I like going to restaurant and that basket You know the very fresh fresh bake bread and that butter that's already whipped. It's not gonna be hard It's gonna be nice and soft

I'm gonna whip it on that fucking bread. It's gonna melt right away. I'm gonna shut that little bun Those are off to the side shut that little Hey here you want me going Hey moody hey moody we got you an amazing amazing gig It's somewhere in Florida called blah blah blah blah, but you know what? There's an amazing hope for it's around the corner and they have an awesome salad bar there And they do a juicing there too, and it's open till 11 30 you can get all that stuff in your room Guess what the gym my dick just went inside my

Barney's in gym is an amazing gym in the hotel and there is an LA sports around And there's a man in the steam room 24 hours a day I really know Oh my god Listen there so you changed you know believe me man I'm on the road too I know where it's a steep in the hotel room and you put the TV on and some guy that opened for you last week is doing an HBO special. I know what that's about.

There's nothing to do with that. No, I don't have those problems. I'm happy with my career. No, no, but I'm just saying, I know it's the best. Don't forget to throw that shit on me. I gotta shoot a pilot this weekend. I'm good. You know, I'm just letting you know, but there's a way.

There's a way. I look at people on TV, I'm like, yeah,. I mean I'm on TV too with a fuck modie don't throw me down your shitty lane of fucking showbiz I'm just saying I just wrote a book god dammit. I'm an author. Yeah, my stepbrothers famous All right, so what what Zach Braff Zach Braff he's gonna be in the new Oz movie. What's he gonna be in? Oz.

What the movie is. Yeah. He's himself and then he's a flying monkey. I don't understand how can he be himself. I mean, meaning like he's himself in the movie and then he turns into a flying monkey. Oh, okay. What's his first role, Scroops? What's that first thing?

No, oh my god. He started a child actor. Yeah. He's a shion on actor. Yeah, yeah, I want to take as a funny story Did you own friends? I have to find my family. He did a young that you put you in his new ABC show I want to tell you something about your your brother and your sister You know Chris Benz a designer and his boyfriend Pete, are your huge fans of yours. They adore you, Jessica. Thank you.

I'm performing in a farm next week. They were in a restaurant next to him. They were in a restaurant next to Zach. And they turned them and goes, the only thing Falbus about you is that you related to Jessica Kiereson. Oh my god A while back like before I moved to LA for a while while back. What did he say he went who? Yeah Listen to me Let me ask you a question a barn

Yeah, is anybody here? Next we come at the rectal hut. Is anybody here satisfied with their bodies? No, but I know that I know exactly what I have to do. And I don't, I know about vegetables and flaxseeds. I know every single thing. It's just about, it's giving up certain foods. What was the last time you ate something shitty?

Um, like really shitty, cause I eat like less shitty stuff, but just too much of it. I mean, I'm in high spirits. I'm in high spirits. I'm in high spirits. Well, I had one sip, but I don't really ever drink it.

That's the shitty thing you do. She actually said, well, I never drink this. I don't, I don't ever drink it. I really don't. The question was, okay, I'm gonna tell you something. You're gonna be shocked at something. I haven't had a piece of bread in a year and a half, okay?

But I started saying, I didn't need any carbs. I weighed my food. I went on something called gray sheet. I gave up everything, but four ounces of protein, vegetables, fruit, all day. And I lost 45 pounds. I gave up, I'm not kidding, I gave up everything, and weighed every single thing I ate.

And then all of a sudden I was on the road a lot, and I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna go, I'm just getting salad, so I don't have to weigh it. And then, you know what, I can have sweet potato. That's not bad, it's not real potato. And then I can have, and then I can have potato. And then I'll eat brown rice, because brown rice isn't bad.

That's true. And then brown rice crackers, and then rice, and then I can have potato. And then I'll eat brown rice, because brown rice isn't bad. And then brown rice crackers, and then rice, and then a goat. And then seven goats, and nine pounds of cheese. I mean, it just got so... It's fat tricks, man. That's what I'm saying, but that's why I'm saying, I can't have, when I didn't have any,

when I gave it all up, I was amazing. I was great. I didn't have to think about it. I knew everything. I'll tell you where I go through trauma in my life and I said if I don't do this, I'm gonna fucking kill if I hear is where I happen to me Cleveland seven shows Jimmy Jimmy Jim Cleveland's it's a thumbs up. Jim Jim the rough enough in. It's a you all better be you'll better be

pronouncing my name right after all the shit. After all this practice. Cleveland, improv, Jimmy John's sandwich plays across street from the hotel. It was my fifth week on the road. a lot of shit shows, a lot of shitty crowds, a lot of drunk broads, a lot of fucking horse shit, and I just went fuck it.

And I got a Jimmy John's, number five, and it was amazing. And then I got a two Jimmy John's, number five's, and it was double amazing. And then I went, here it is. I go, remember this day you fat fuck. Remember this day, because this is the day You gave up and this is the day that you said fuck it just a little bit just a little I went Just a tip so an amazing another

My Virginia I love on this Wait, I want to just say something really quick. I'm sorry No, cuz I know it's about another book or something. No, I'm serious, but, I want to just say something really quick. I'm sorry, then. No, because I know it's about another book or something. But I just, no, I'm serious, but I just want to tell you. Oh my God. No, I love him. He knows, I want to tell you how amazing I think. That's making it not funny.

You girls. I think it's amazing how honest you are. I mean, you are so fucking amazing. You're honest about your food stuff. Like so many people would never talk this, especially guys, wouldn't be this honest about it. And you're saying what you've eaten what you're doing and here's the thing with me is that I'm supposed to I have a I love my fans who this type of shit I love look I love fucking around a joke and bust and balls and fucking with each other but I like it

when there's I know this guy's out there that I alike me my fans a lot of them alike me and when they go dude That helped me yeah because I'm sad to that's what I'm saying will fucking be better than any fucking hey Dude you were fucking funny, you know what I mean? Well, that was funny when you said that that's all I can be funny, but when somebody can go Somebody Hey, what's the eye you would die? God bless you. God bless you. God holy Jesus. When somebody can actually like, that's all I have. That's like the only thing that I think as comics we have is that we can say to these people listening to us for some reason, here's what I do.

And I remember it freaked me out when I heard, like, you know, when you see your teacher out at the grocery store, it's like, you shop, like you're real? Like I thought they just stayed in school and they fed you. It's like, oh my God, you're a human. That's the greatest thing you can give people that are fans of your comedy or whatever you do, is to let them know that I get depressed too.

Or I get sad too. I love when I hear stars or somebody I look up to in the business Go yeah, man I got really sad and depressed and you know I had to work my way out of it I'm like you fuck why would you have a million dollars in a bag? You get the bang on cheeks and and you get sad Oh fuck yeah, the thing is is people who talk about their let's say alcohol addiction or even addiction to heroin things like that Are given a lot more or even addiction to heroin, things like that are given a lot more respect than people who talk about it.

Can't eat a doughnut. All right, Fatso. You know, I think that we understand what alcohol does and how much it draws you in. But we don't understand that food, not only do I have to eat it, I have to all the time constantly make a decision of what to eat and where to eat it

and how much to pay for and all that stuff I have to do it. I have to do it right all the time which means it always has to be in your head at some point I imagine alcohol is not as much in your head But I don't know is not as much in your head like I gave up Diet Coke five years now It was a fucking huge addiction. I would wake up if it's not in there I would go outside to get it and then I would you know just be a I would wake up if it's not in there. I would go outside to get it and then I would you know just be a fucking nutball about it and I can't have a sip and sometimes

Sometimes it smells good and I want it, but I know that that's how I would get back on it again I sound like a crazy person to a lot of people and because a lot of people come through and they're in recovery And they're like oh nice addiction diacote good on you like you know jesse on you. Like, you know, Jesse Joyce, who has been sober for years. And, you know, he gave me shit. No, he didn't give a fuck. He gave me shit about like, oh Diet Coke, that's really difficult. But it was. It was terrible.

I didn't know it was addicted. So I would just after a while, I would just drink it again, thinking like, oh, I haven't had it in a while. It's not going to be a big deal. And then I would suddenly be drinking two liters every day no water no nothing and it just affected everything I did. Okay like what's your name again Chris listen I am okay. Chrisy listen you what the fuck I want to know what your problem is. With like I know Modi's problem I know him this problem.

I want to know what you thought my problem was before I started talking. The reason why I wanted all you guys on for one thing and definitely Chrissy is that you're all fucked up like me. Seriously, you guys are fucked up very similar to me. Like we all, because we're all struggling against something. It's like there's people that come, I know out there that literally just live their lives and I'm so envious of these fucking people that live their fucking lives and they worry about bills and they worry about career choices and they worry about money and and

and relationship problems. It's like I have all that but I got every time I take a bite of something I'm fuck I hear fat fuck you fat fuck Why are you doing that dude? Put it down just have a piece of fruit, but fruit is fat that turns into sugar And the sugar turns into fat. Okay, just have a piece of lettuce But you need protein you gotta get but I I don't fucking alright So I'll have the chicken but the chicken has a sauce on it that's pure sugar if you have to fuck me Just get the chili the chili salty sodium is bad Fuck me what the fuck am I supposed to eat how do I get

fucking how can I actually fucking wear the jeans in the store and I that I like fuck me I just want to wear Chris fuck Chrissy's jeans I want to wear that hoodie you cock sucker again I want to have you big hip to fucking Brooklyn jeans on I have to look at Lauren who I'm dating I have to look at Lauren and go is this dating. I have to look at Lauren and go, is this okay, is this good? I don't know, is this good?

Is this good? Fight this, this is good, right? What's bad about this? What's bad about this? I just look because she knows more about Nutrushy looked it up. She's been more on this path for a lot longer than me and she's just strong as all shit.

And I just, I just look, nuts, but has a lot of fat. Yeah, can I have it? Can I actually ask, can I have it? I hate that. I fucking hate it. I just want to fucking eat. So Chris, what's your problem? I want to hear it too.

Well, I fucking chicks. No, I'm not. He lives with his mother. He lives with his mother. He lives with his mother. He lives with his mother. My, my problem, no, see like that's the thing. I think I'm a misread.

I mean, Jessica knows me pretty well. I have absolutely zero confidence in anything I've ever done in my life ever. I can't, I mean, it's to the point where some psychologists have been like, you know what Chris, you're the guy, I two different psychologists tell me this, which this one I knew I had a problem,

which they're never supposed to mention suicide ever. How do you feel like you're doing on this podcast right now? Not great, Two of them. Two of them told me, two of them told me, look, you will fit. They said almost the exact same thing. They said, you, I'm never supposed to say this, but they said you are the guy who if you don't change your thought process, yeah, is going to add 40 years old, go into a field and blow his brains out. Listen to psychologists tell me that and they both preface it with us. I'm not supposed to say that. He's he's he's he's he's he's constantly beating himself up.

Absolutely. It's insane. Like it's like I remember telling myself I remember this. I remember this. I remember four months ago. I remember four months ago saying if I get passed at the comedy seller, I'll feel good about my comedy career. Cause, cause a young comic special,

we put her on such a pedestal. And then I got passed, and now I say, I feel no satisfaction, cause I'm like, well, I only get spots after 11.30. And I know that I'm supposed to, I know I'm the new guy on the block, and I should just be happy to have a spot, which I have.

But that's the way. Can I explain to you, that's the way of comic things. You'll never listen to me. Can I explain something to you? That's the way a comic thinks. You'll never listen to me. We're never satisfied. Because when we get what we want, we're already up there.

And that's what keeps you going higher and higher. If you don't have, if you're like, I'm satisfied here, after 11 o'clock, you'll stay there. The reason why you want to get we, or earlier, a response is that that's your desire and your passion to be better Then where you're at and that's our psychosis, but it's also what keeps us fucking Becoming better and you'll you'll get the nine o'clock show then you'll get weekends

Then you'll start meddling on the road then you're gonna start headlining your own shows Because you're never gonna be satisfied and then when you're headlining Yeah, but he doesn't even pat himself on the bat for a second. But you got it. You've got. Listen, if you kill yourself at 40, you're a hack. I know. Seriously, you're just a fucking. Yeah, and it runs in my family too. That's the other. Oh, I have. Can I have your comedy don't books? And you do.

Yeah. I want to like the thing. I want you to put in your hair. Like, yeah, but see like that. Just hang out with Robert Kelly all day long. That's what you're going to do. I don't hear hoody in your hair. Like, but like, that's the thing, like people say to me sometimes, zoom into the field. What do you have to worry about, you know,

bitch about, but I don't know what's like a common thing. All of us comics go through, but I mean, I honestly, like, I haven't felt the sense of accomplishment. I mean, no, should you, dude, your career's not that good, but the thing is, you try. Yeah, listen Chris, everybody goes through that. I'm not saying you're not a fucking psycho and you have your own problems. I have my own fucking issues.

I did not those. I'm not gonna, I don't think like that. I've never thought about killing myself, but I've thought about what it would be like to kill myself so people miss me or like me or give me attention. But I've never thought about killing myself, but I've thought about what it would be like to kill myself so people miss me or like me or give me attention, but I'd never do it. You wanna go to your own funeral? Yes?

Wouldn't have be great. I would love to fucking hear Moody go, oh, fuck on luck. Fuck on luck. You're a wife should give you that as like a gift for some birthday. You know what my wife said to me today? Scared the shit out of me?

She goes, just in case, and I go, what? She goes, just said to me today, scared the shit out of me. She goes, Justin Case, and I go, what, she goes, Justin Case, here, all the bills, when I pay the bills, I'm like, what the fuck is that? I go, no, no, no, no, don't tell me. She goes, Justin Case, just a case, what motherfucker? Cause she's gonna have a baby,

and she's gonna, and now I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm hard. Like, fuck me. My younger brother, younger brother, younger brother, has sent me, okay, just in case here's my will, like, in, my heart, like fuck me. My younger brother, younger brother, has sent me, okay, just in case here's my will, like in email, this is what I want with my money. And I had to take a breath because he wasn't the hospital for attempted suicide when we were in high school.

So I have to take a breath and go, that is not who he is now, he's in his 30s, he's just thinking like an adult. And I have to think like an adult also and go, right on, that's okay. What I get in And I have to think like an adult also and go right on. That's okay. What I get in the will. What do you leave you?

Anything good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's my best friend, so we're good. That's good. Well, you know what, it's funny that is when people do die. You know, that thought does, I mean, I don't know, maybe just. You hope they have a will.

Well, you hope they have a will. And they hope that they left you something. You know, there's always that one thing, you know, one thing where it's like, yeah, then I love the motherfucker, but what is that watch? Laying on the me like, Well, being very polite right now. Well, I mean, not that, look it.

Not staring at you is the most polite response that we could have mustered. Not that, not that, look it. I'm saying, I'm saying that. We're just picturing all the dead people you're watching. My grandma, the past away. My grandma, you know, he had some, she had like a knife and a watch. And I was like, you know, I like, I cried more

in my grandfather, I fucking am sad. But I was like, where's that, you know, after a couple of days, I was like, yo, yo, remember that watch, remember that knife? After a couple of hours, I was like, I'm fucking patting them down in the cat. What was it? I'm buried in with it.

I forget that you get things when people die. I've never gotten anything. And also I've never gotten any of my bought my small money. Maybe that's why I'm in atheists now. Well, my grandmother passed away last year at 95 and she had a ton of stuff and she left it all to all of us. And this is horrible. Her two she had a ton of stuff and she left it all to all of us and this is horrible.

Her two nurses took a lot of the jewelry. Isn't that horrible? Oh wow. Oh my. What? Wait, like, it's stealing your tongue. Like, I'm talking, she literally organized it in the way that she took pictures of each piece of jewelry and wrote the person's name. And it was gone so that we all knew, yeah, I didn't get like two neck. I just give it to you. I just give it to you before she died. What are you didn't get like two neck. Just give it to you. Why don't you just give it to before she died?

What are you talking about she didn't know she was gonna die she had it all said I Viflet's side to how much time do you have left? What are you talking about? Moving a journey You haven't till 120 okay all the cows that's what they say first of all she doesn't because she's from the whole thing Where she didn't give us a ton of money before she died. She didn't give us her things. She held on to everything, because of that whole,

that mindset of someone's gonna take it from me, or I'm, you know, I need it before I die. It's very older Jewish person. I'm listening, this is what I'm, my grandmother moved into an old age home. Before she moved in there, my sister's pill fridge to her home literally picking up like grandma you're gonna be having big pass over status anymore or no so i'll take this tray see we would never do

that to my grandma when they took everything they took every day there's nothing for the leave us when it was it was fine now so now the the Haitian took everything how is that fine but what is your grandma the need at? Where is she going to the Oscars? She did. She went to premieres of movies. Yeah. She did a lot of things. And she wore big jewelry. I don't know what I expected that one. You didn't expect that. You got ready. She went to the premier. She could let it all. I can ask your face, didn't you? What you go to the Oscars? Yeah.

Apparently she did actually. She did a lot of things like that she went to Vegas She wore her jewelry. She wanted her things bless her soul, you know Now some fucking bitches wearing her that's that her fucking bro. She's like coral terrible grace I'm on you like my bro. Oh, man The old lady the Jewish lady I Jewish lady. I took it. I took it from to Jew. My wife got a diamond collection from her grandmother.

She got a Rolex from the 40s. Wow. Diamond band, big diamond with a little diamond, and then diamond earrings with another diamond hanging off of it and then a diamond pendant. And this is how lucky I got. When we were getting married, I asked him marry me. And she was like, I don't want a ring.

She goes, I want to use the diamonds from my grant. So I just need a setting as a call. And I just got the setting for, it cost me 1,100 bucks. That's amazing. And she's got like a $15,000 wedding ring. And I didn't have to do shit. That was beautiful. Yeah, it was beautiful for me too.

And that's why I, you know, kind of, I was like, oh, Mary. I mean, but hear me out. No, no, no, wait. Wait, because you got. I'm laughing, you have to. You have to. Where you going, Chris?

Are you gonna, don't kill yourself. Oh my God. I love you, Chris. I'm on my way. There's no field in the map. There's so many everything. We go and Chris you don't kill yourself There's no field in the map The Chris you your hair is good your career. I'm gonna talk to ask you video I'll get you a gig at the rectal hut next week Go ahead here is fucking He's fighting his fingernails and hanging from his own belt in the fucking shower. Shaved one eyebrow off.

He ran himself in the toilet. Hey bro, I'm not perfect and it was chest. He's doing Richard Jenny's act. That was horrible. No, you're alright, you're alright. I love Modi on the wall in his own blood. I can't take it. I want to suck his cock over his table.

With the big chouish every time he talks fucking chewed dark eyes. Let me ask you this. His ass blinks every time Modi. Of course the street here there's a fruit with chocolate covered. I understand dark chocolate is less sugar. Can I have a dark chocolate covered banana? No, it's not dark chocolate. Everything's with this dark chocolate is less sugar. Can I have a dark chocolate covered banana? No, it's not dark chocolate. Everything's at this dark chocolate. What if you put it inside you? It's not. Does it go?

What if you let it melt in your pussy? Yeah, what if I literally shove it inside of my pussy? I'd like to put an XC up your ass. What if I let it melt near my uterus? Will I still get the calories? Yeah, if I stick it in my eyes with Johnny, I let my son absorb it into his fucking face. Hahaha.

You know, whatever. How nice, dimple when he comes out. Hahaha. Well, my son be fat. Hahaha. Yeah, my son have a food addiction. If you absorb the chocolate, it's covered dark banana. They came from my wife's house.

Oh my god, they can't. Oh no. Well, guys, listen, I don't know what the fuck. They came from like wife's Well guys listen, I don't know what the fuck I don't know how Chris Chris oh, yeah, please You please take Let's end this on a chocolate banana Chris made it. We love Chris. We love Chris. We love Chris. We love Chris. You're a good man. Doesn't it? Listen Chris, let me tell you something buddy.

You're a funny fucking guy. Thank you. You're a good looking kid, but you also got a lot of fucking hustle behind you, dude. Yeah. And everybody likes you. Okay, so when you feel down and you feel like your shit's not where it's supposed to be, I want you to know that. I want you to know that.

I want you to put your head right here. Now you're gonna make them fucking kill himself. I'd probably do it, I'm depressed. Chris, no, look at no, I don't want you to do it. I'm gonna make it up. But you fucking block it. Come to my house if you're gonna fucking lie on the chair.

Come to my house. I do, I got a nice house. I got a nice house and I got a new shower nice and a nice kiss Chris You are very very funny. No, you don't guys don't have to tell me you are you are very very nice. He's right I appreciate it, but I don't you know, I'm telling you like you're neurotic. You're very nervous Yeah, wouldn't you know the Chris that kind of stuff. I think it in a sense will hold you back I'm getting oh yeah, no it is no You know, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting. I'm not kidding. It's amazing. I'll get it. It's life changing life changing. All right Listen to me to read here's a great book to you ready you want a book to change my life

No, not cheat a man's guy to infidelity that is on Amazon now for 1099. What do we do now by keys in the girl? That's a great book to any other authors in the room Florence Keveshin wrote in the 20s, I think, or something like that. She was the first metaphysicist to whatever the fuck it is. She wrote a book called, You Word is Your Wand, and you're talking about that word stuff. I do believe in that. I do believe that what you say comes true. I don't know if I talked to, I know him had a brain doctor on a show

and they were talking about all this crazy shit about your brain and can you say things? And he said, it's not that you say the word and it happens mysteriously in the fucking world. It's that you say it and you, all of a sudden subconsciously or consciously or super subconsciously, you start to do the things to make those things happen. You know what I mean?

So it's not like you say, I will be a millionaire, but you start to take risks to do things that will allow the opportunities to happen and you'll be prepared to actually capitalize on that and then it will happen. So I do believe in your word, what you say. So I am going to say, what was I supposed to say again? Just take the word, take the word, take the word, take the word, take the word, want,

take the word, want, I want late, I want early spots of the cellar, I want to be thin, I am going to be, I am going to be I intend to be thin I say something I used to be I am when I am yeah when I was thin I had this thing in my actor. I'd say I lost I lost 70 pounds and people clap and I go I'll be back And I am and you back and while I was saying it I was like I believe in my word I believe in the the power of word and the And I'm sitting there going, Jesus Christ, man, you fat motherfucker, you're setting yourself up again.

And here I am, I gotta lose fucking. I have a bit in my act where it's about repelling. And I talk about the guy, the guy. It's better fucking connect. It's gonna connect. And I say, you know, and he's gonna, I took my repelling on the guy that's the the guide is gonna I said this guy this kid's 18 years old. He weighs 70 pounds

He's gonna catch 200 pounds worth of juice falling off a mountain right? I've changed it to 175 100 to and and now I went from two hundred to one seventy five Right and I changed the one seventy five way before I was at 175 So what did you say I was it was a dog oh you did the math yeah, you know you're like Yeah, I'm a real you know, I'm a very bad smoker. I smoke a lot. Yeah Yeah, and that's when the book that helped me quit smoking the first time the easy way to quit smoking by Alan car One of the big things they talk about is you're not you didn't quit smoking. You're just a non-smoker Tell yourself you're a non-smoker

The best thing about that book is it actually it doesn't teach it doesn't tell you and it's the same with food You use the same analogy doesn't tell you why you should quit. We all know why we should quit We all know I shouldn't eat fucking shit food. He's like he's trying to like teach you like like why are you still doing it? Why are you still eating why are you still smoking and then and I quit for 11 months? Chris are you on your phone? Yeah, I was texting my girlfriend. What were you texting her? I was telling her to take the train here. I also have a bad anxiety condition too, so maybe you know What things had a condition. What? What things have to be doing some

and stuff. But we all have, I have a fucking, dude, I fucking, I used to buy human beings because I was anxious. I used to spend hundreds of dollars on women because I was anxious. I used to smoke two packs a day and drink and eat. We're all anxious. You say that like it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's that like it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a fucking license to be anxious. Like you're not, no, no, no, no, no, that I'm not saying I'm not can, I'm never one of those people have been like, oh, my problems are worse. I know they're not, but I'm just saying like I have a pretty severe anxiety condition. You want to say what I was saying though?

I do too. Yeah, no, I know. But you shouldn't you say it like, like I'm saying you're on your phone. You shouldn't be on the phone. Yeah, but it's an anxiety condition. You want to say what I was saying though? I do too. Yeah, no, I know. But you shouldn't say it like, like I'm saying you're on your phone, you shouldn't be on the phone on the phone. Yeah, but it's an anxiety. And don't be like, yeah, but I have it too. It's worse than other people. Don't worry about becoming like other people.

You to just become the best version of yourself. Right. You don't need to become an underwear model, like a marquee mark. Whatever that guy's name is. That's my word. That's I was gonna start saying that you need to be the best the best I can't say that you said 170 I can't say I want to be marquee mark someday so say that if you want but is it gonna happen?

I don't know is it gonna happen? Yes, okay then it'll happen. I am okay I'll buy the first pair of underwear that you model I bet you would What are you to say on of sancris is that you say that I'm like dude you're on your phone Yeah, but the anxiety I channeled my phone no, I do understand one of my saying you're saying that don't get on the Fucking phone on the podcast that's what I'm saying. I know but what I'm saying off the fucking phone Part of my I don't give a fuck yeah, but if you if you were working on stage for this long You wouldn't be able to take off your daddy number two. So you wouldn't do it Right, I wouldn't feel

Look at it and see a text message to now I'm hooked into it all right Listen, I would put on sorry. All right, whatever do put it in your tight hoodie It's not that tight It is to fuck it us Yeah, does it you have a shirt underneath that? Yeah, I'm on a wife-beater. Let me see. Do you really? Let's just see underneath there. Let's just see let's see. Let's see it Worse That was the worst this is literally the the gayest podcast ever been on.

It's sad. It just fell out. It just left it came out. It's just like, oh my god. He has seven nipples. I do, you know me and my nipples. Well, here's a deal. I think that I hope this helped any of you cocksackers out there

that are listening. And for you, skinny twats who I ride, I ride, I ride, would have fuck off. I really, I hope you, I hope something bad happens to you Let me finish And you have to find Hope Listen anyways moody. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you

Listen anyways, Modi, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. This was actually a little it was a weird show is a little different than I usually have I mean there's a lot of usually there's a lot of ball-busting going on on the show and right back And there was definitely some of that happening tonight, but it was a very It was can I say something? Listen Modi shut your face That's how we talk something I listen moody shut your face no but I think that I think look man I I like that shit I like when the show goes where it goes and then it was I think of a fucking great discussion which I need to have I mean I I envy the people that don't I envy the people that don't have to talk like this I envy

the people that don't fucking have to people that don't have to talk like this I envy the people that don't fucking have to deal with this shit or read a book or watch a movie or talk to their friends or figure this shit out I really do I envy those motherfuckers that just go to fucking karate class and live their lives and they have other problems like what that's what I'm trying to tell you no one no one has if you think somebody you see somebody who's standing jogging and happy. Joe Rogan is flawless. No. He is a beautiful man and has no problems.

Oh, but listen to me. Listen to me. He is perfect. That's an example. I'm not for nothing. He really is fucking flawless. He might not be able to handle a relationship. He's marrying me as a two kids.

He's so happy. He's a millionaire. He has a job that he loves. He has another job that he loves. He's one of the funniest guys in the planet. He's shredded. He knows everything He knows everything about everything. He's just an intelligent fucking. Oh my god human being is He's made he's made by the government. Okay, so fuck you don't ever talk about him like that There's nothing wrong with him You threw I'm through. Jess, what do you got? Where are you

going to be? What's your website? What do you want to promote? This is coming out on the 18th of February. By the way. Okay. After that. I don't I have no idea what I have coming up after that. What's your website? It's Jessica Kerson.com. It's K-I-R-S-O-N. And I have a YouTube channel. Yes, it's just hilarious? I love it. Thank you. It's the Jesse Kay show. I fucking love you. I watch you. I check you out on Facebook.

Thank you. Is where I see most of your stuff. Yeah. So go to her Facebook page and like it. So you get what she puts out there. Yeah. And her channel really is hilarious. Oh, that thing and that thing when you start crying

and find the Chinese people. Yeah, yeah, just trying and screaming and people never react. They never react. You're fearless on camera out in public. Yeah, I am. And the only way to do a YouTube video comedy-wise in public is to be fearless.

Right. But I'm really filled with fear. Yeah, but you're to filled. Fearless. Right. But on camera, I'm, yeah, that's true. Fucking unbelievable. So, Chris, I love you. Chris, what do you got besides suicide? Um, that's the time. That's in years.

That's 40, 12 years. Yes, 12 years. What do you say? Shoot at yourself in a field? What else is coming up? Just stand up. I know they're going to play this at his fucking funeral in five years. So, uh, before I, before I love you. I hope you don't do it. Yeah. Before you've been not there you had. Yeah. I know I know. Before hacking. I know. It really is because he's there telling him he's gonna do it. And if you do it You're just a fucking hack. Uh, something else. Cut a leg. Oh, no, no. No, no. So put a vest on walk into a comedy club. Some bitch gets loud And the whole place goes So we do it. What wait what did your Middle Eastern side just come out? Go ahead

Start wearing a Berkah so I guess after February 15th. Yeah, February 23rd I'll be open for Arty Lang at the Old Westbury Theater. But the fuck dude, that's great. That's awesome, man. Yeah. Arty Lang, let you open, Vam. Yeah, open for him all the time. Yeah, the fuck fuck. Yeah, I've only been doing comedy Chris. Three years.

Yeah, he's already at the cell. Kelly, Kelly, you're really fucking good. Like a fucking kid. Really? That's why you can't complain to comics that are newer. Yeah, but that's why I didn't want to say anything. Right, no, I know. I'm just saying they'll kill you.

He pays you great, art. Yeah, yeah Yeah, it's a great experience. Yeah, it's a great guy great Two years on the road with him. It was unbelievable. Yeah, he's the best. He was awesome. Yeah speaking of somebody with no problems Yeah, no It's no arm. Thank you. We just discussed that on his show Why is it what what what are you guys think it's okay to call him gnome? And what do you allow him to say gnome? Goyam is right.

What do you mean Goyam? What the fuck? Testing into. Hey, gnome. I want to talk to you about last night. Take that. Wait, so when I'm talking to him. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Put him right in your hand. Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no you something, so sh- I heard your push ups were like girl push ups, that's what I heard. Oh, Cushion Tuchis, they can all suck my ass, right? What the hell just, what happened? Perfect push ups. That's no, nobody said they were perfect. Okay, oh Dan Nathman now is the efficient on,

on what a push up, is he right? A fishie, not the efficient. No, the, that was the real, the push. He's the efficient. And how to stay his name right, you can't even see a fishie. Dan Nathman is the fridge a day. We did, we did, we did. Dan Nathman's fossils. Right, that was to read all these books and how to stay his name right you can't ever see a See a We did we did

We did an hour an hour of boxing. I was there a half hour early to jog I still did 60 pushups with no problem and then they bitch that they weren't good enough pushups for them But why don't they say in the middle of my 60? Hey, Morty those aren't right pushups because they wanted to make funny You ask for yourself.ore moore first of all he said he just didn't want to argue with you can we I want to get back to that's what he said such can we can I can I talk to him can I talk to no home can I talk to no home no no home no home no home no home there you go just that is stillable no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what are you doing? Well, last night we had a nice party here for Liz, who's leaving who I'm going to miss.

She's amazing. And Liz is leaving. It's a disaster. Yeah, what? You want to talk about fucking anxiety and fucking doom? Yeah, here's your real dad. This the fucking. I'm literally just trying to like be zen about it,

not even like deep, breathe deep because it's a disaster. Yeah, but you got other people that's gonna fill a spot, kind of, right? No. Okay, well, I guess this fucking, we're gonna move, find another place to do this show because it's going downhill. What, what do you mean?

Stop that. Good happen. No. What are you gonna do? You think the fucking place is gonna fall down? I just, I can't, I don't know what we're gonna do without her. What did she do?

Everything. What do you do? Nothing. Yeah, nothing says, Lizzie's been here nothing. So now you're gonna have to do it. Yeah. That's what you said about. Yeah.

We're all sad about that. You're gonna be here more? I, well, I'll be here more and I'll have have to and I have to be just worrying about a lot more things Me time I have a baby at home and another one on the way and it's it's horrible Jesus Christ. I feel like right now that now that you've killed this podcast. Oh, Jesus Talk about chocolate bananas inside of us again What the last night I was gonna say you gave a very emotional speech it was beautiful I mean you teared up. I did not tear up. You have fucking teared up. I got it on video

I did yeah video I got it on video not only were my pushups What I was doing Mom that I'm in and Keith can really you know what I'm turning him mic down listen Listen to me. No, I'm you teared up last night. It was a beautiful night But I want you to be honest now when the singer came up and saying her song When she was like, you know, I got a song and I just came up with this idea. Oh, yeah, and she was like I love you. I love did you I mean did that did you feel fucking queasy at all? Did you like it?

I liked it. You didn't like it. Let me tell you something Okay, as a singer. How about the poem? Did you like the poem the poem? Yeah Another poem with the poem was also The journal girls poem is why I love no him He will literally you will talk about honesty this cox I can talk about this poor girl wrote a poem and she read it last night She's German. This is what a dick. This is what a dick. No, miss She read the poem the first couple verses and got a laugh and like people laugh and then he went no do it again

He gave her a microphone, so she had to do it again It doesn't know she had no laughs on the fuck she had to read it again Then it's just trailed off and then she had to read it again then it just trailed off and then she couldn't read it there was no light so she was standing on a chair like hitting the ceiling with no light and she was fucking up her own palm and people just let it go down and it just was like oh god, German girl, German girl, she went from my comfort, reparations, she had to come in. Alright so what you're saying is this is the end of the fucking,

it's all gonna come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come. It's not gonna come tumbling down. Did I be doing my show at Dustin Chafen? No, no, you're just in this thing. What I'm worried about most more than anything is the friggin health department because the city of New York is so unbelievably difficult now with this health department shit. And Liz was really on top of it. And you know, it's just it's so you hired somebody to fill a spot.

Who I know what you're getting at Robert. I'm saying that he's gonna that that person will pick up the slack. I don't know. Yeah. You have to trust that. Have some kind of belief. You have to trust him. You have to. Yeah. I believe in him. But you know, Liz is unbelievably talented. Where's she going? She's going to Florida. She's going to Florida together. To work at the NBA.

Yeah. I'm kidding. Uh, Liz could be like chief of staff for the White House. You know, she just unbelievable. I carried away. She's, you know, married a Puerto Rican. It's not going to happen. She's not, oh, she married a Puerto Rican.

Yeah. That laugh was awesome. I know. Well, it's married a Puerto Rican, it's not gonna happen. She married a Puerto Rican. Yeah. That laugh was awesome. I know Wells married a Puerto Rican. You mean. You did, yeah. Yeah, that's why you're fucking crazy. All right, well, I mean, last night was beautiful. You speech was beautiful, I felt bad.

I mean, you really touched me. You welled up a couple times. You fucking welled up. Be a man and admit it that you welled up. I welled fucking welled up be a man in a minute that you welled up I will you did you cried you cried I cried before even before I ordered a word you did you cry it yeah yeah you cry I want a pussy listen I do I knew it I knew it I love it Robert catalogs every time he catches me crying and I mean it's like because you know why because you called me a fucking not a man because I told you I cried at my wedding.

And you said, I saw you crying, I watched that line. And you laughed at me, right? And then you said I wasn't a man. That's why. Never forget. Never forget, right?

Exactly, you should know that. Robert got, did you watch Robert's wedding? He got married on the beach with an internet camera. And was it Hawaii? Yeah, that's pretty funny. It's not just a tour though, it's not, yes, I knew they're crying, it's bizarre. It's not Coney Island, we're in Maui, which is beautiful, and we got married by a fucking Hawaiian priestess with a fucking conch shell, and then you have to log in. The you there was a ceremony from the past I just cried called Russia Shana In the fucking Simmoans the Hawaiians it was beautiful

I guess she's done if you want to be done It was beautiful. I guess she's done. If you want to be done. All right. No, thank you very much. Thank you for your input. It was fantastic. Jesus, you're a mump tonight.

Mom, he said he's in a bad mood. Are you in a bad mood? Are you sad? This woke up. I'm sad. Yeah. I'm nervous. I'm sad.

I'm hungover. I would drink a lot last night. A lot, a lot, a lot. What are you doing? Getting up. I think for a hug, what's happening? We're here on a hug time. Oh, yeah, now we know who the pussy really is. Okay, all right, no problem, me too, come on. Oh, oh.

And now, Chris and Moody. I'm just gonna have to let you take. Yeah, that was a good one. And that's what I was saying, I was gonna ask one quick, And now As I was I was gonna ask one quick. Did you think I couldn't do 40 push-ups? Oh my god I said you could okay. I said you could I guarantee you can't give me the microphone back 40,000 I did 60 after after working out for an hour and a half I did 60 All right guys, hold on so you get everybody else a plug except for me. I'm going. I'm going back to the room. I'm going back to the plug. You fuck. Jesus mother. Joseph. She's such a yenta. All right. So, Modi, what are you going to do?

What is to remember my mother again? Hurry up because I have to get to a show. Okay. Okay. What where are you working at six in the afternoon? It's eight o'clock. Wow. It's blue by. I know it's fun. Oh my God, I just got out. I'm hosting this thing called a Jewish Star Singing Competition. It's an American idol for Jewish singers.

I'm gonna, I, this is a lot of even, I wanna have a new, just, what's his name? I just, what's his name? The guy that hosts a, a broad Ryan Seacrest of this Jewish competition. And so just there. This is what every single singer is Anyway, so go to a Jewish star dot com and register if you want to be a singer on what your Twitter I'm doing it. I'm your Twitter? I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

We're motelive.com and everything's available from there. Motelive.com. This is just motelive.com. This is just motelive.com. This is just motelive.com. I have a show called Keith and the Girl. You could find it at Keith and the Girl.com. We're also on iTunes under Keith and the Girl.

March 7th, this coming March 7th is our eight year anniversary of podcasting. We'll be hanging out. You could check out our schedule. So I'm keeping the girl.com slash event. One of the original podcasts. When podcasts weren't cool, right? You guys were fucking doing it five days a week.

She was. I was in norms. What the fuck is this? Back in the day was a long time ago. And she used to be here as a nut. How come you should have her on your show? I had to be here. I and she used to be here as a not how come How come you you should have her on your show. I just did it outside. You did? What the fuck are you? I am the only I'm the only guy who hasn't done his his podcast the only girl. I have any

There are all right listen time with Lenny. He doesn't like you. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that.

I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that.

I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done that. Just hit the Amazon button, buy from there, we get a little piece, you get a piece, you get a piece, you get a piece, you get your shit. And GameFlight.com, the Netflix of gaming, GameFlight.com slash YKWD, two week free trial, any game you buy, it's like Netflix, you get it, you fuck with it, you use it, and you send it back, get a new game.

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We're selling great. It's a fucking 80 cedar. It's next week. It's fucking nine shows. It's next week. It's next week and we're fucking giving away $5. Two for one. He's fucking headlining comics everywhere and we're fucked up. I know what norms going right now.

Davey Mack. No one norms going right now. Davey Mack. No one norms going right now. Davey Mack, Davey Mack, eh, where you get the? Davey Mack, but look at the other one. Davey Mack, right there, the bottom, you fucking crazy question. Davey Mack is gonna be on the show and Bailey J's coming down.

Yeah. So two very special guests gonna be at that show. So make sure your body tickets now. Kelly Fistuka, at Kelly Fistuka. Yep, and don't forget the podcast It means it's a What what means my Jesus moody feast to cuz that your name So say it fast doca. It's a it's a pistachio in Hebrew Thanks, really you're cutting off my plugs for that fucking pistachio line.

You have fucking informational hazard. I wish, I wish everything just collapsed on you. All your little technologies. That's our big, that's our big. He's gonna do it. It's gonna happen. That's a, that's a hurt, dude. That fucking hurts.

I hope you have five o'clock shadow stays forever. Um, okay. Okay, listen, I love you guys. Go to Robert Kevin Live.com. Come see me fucking live. Get your tickets early. Don't wait till the day of Megmi Panic. The club's going to do. We're going to promote the new tickets. Buy your fucking tickets. Come see me live. Boston, I'm coming back to you. Philly, I'm there now. Yes, you are on the 21st and 22nd, 23rd at Helium Comedy Club. Oh my god, you're so good. If you have any questions or constructive criticism or suggestions for the YKWD podcast,

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