Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Jim Florentine - The Good Old Days

Episode Date: May 9, 2011

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Um, yeah, I'm ready. Let's go. All right, uh, welcome to the Jim Florentine podcast and uh, the Robert Kelly, you know what, dude podcast. You know what, dude? That's the name of it. Yeah. All right. That's cool. You know what, dude. This actually Jim Norton make it fun to me. I was I. You know what, dude? You fuck because when I try to fucking talk politics right right? Yeah, you know fucking dummy So what you doing doing podcast? Don't do it, but you you actually have intro music I don't Well, I don't on this one. I don't I'm gonna. Oh, that's what you could put it in later somebody could put it Yeah, fuck it is a fucking podcast. Yeah, not Mark Marin trying to make a fucking million dollars off of it now

Do you do donations like Now do you do? Donations like how do you make money? I don't make I just started doing like donate if you want to donate I'll send you a CD DVD and nobody's donated you know nothing nothing. That's just fucking sucks Doesn't it does cuz you know, you know, you don't you don't want to know that but then I my nephew runs that I'm like that anyone don't I goes now. Yeah, it's I'm just hoping maybe he puts 10 bucks in then all you know yeah well I just donate as somebody else yeah that's why I don't want to put a donate button up there because what if I get like just one fat chick from Idaho you know just gives me eight bucks I hope that helped I won't with so many email me back like why why why would I

donate you gonna give me a CD I can rob it online online for free. Oh, what a fucking scumbag. No, I understand that. I mean, I fucking ripped off Columbia House and BMG for years. Columbia House, holy shit. 13 CDs for a penny. I just put a wrong name. I get the CDs and then never acknowledge them again.

I forgot. I remember them. They used to be tapes. You know, do you tapes? Oh, I never got the records, but I remember, I got the cassettes and then the CDs. I fuck with them for years. Yeah, what ever happened to those that fucking... never got the records, but I remember I got the you know the cassettes and then the CDs I fuck wouldn't for years Yeah, whatever happened to those that fucking They're still around but they fucked us they would fuck you because you'd have to get the first 10 for like a dog a penny

And then they you'd be billed for For the rest of your life right yeah, cuz then you would get have to buy eight at the regular price and they were like 1798 that wasn't a regular price. Yeah, I. I can get a CD for $11.90, and it was like a shitty CD. It was like a fucking boot lag of it. Yeah. So I would just get it, and then my friend had this address

where he lived there like his college dorm. Yeah. So as soon as I get my package, I put a change of address to his dorm and I would never see a bill after that. He said he would get like fucking 50 bills. We used to do that with pizza. Me and my friends would go to somebody's house.

We'd call the pizza place, give him an address to some fucking house Right and we just hang out in the porch and then he'd show up and we just fuck grab the pizza and run I got chased the guy had a knife. He was some Arab pizza delivery guy from Domino's He chased us with a knife and I almost got hung up in a bush. How old were you doing this? I was 13. Oh really?? I was 13. I remember this. I was a sea cadet. I was in the sea cadets, which is like the boy scout for the Navy. Right. Because I was, you know, getting into trouble. And my mother thought she put me in the sea cadets. Because the next go neighbors boy was in the sea cadets. And that would straighten

me out. Right. And I used to go to this stupid thing for like an hour at the coast guard fucking base. And and you know what that you just like discipline there or something. I would just get a wooden gun and learn how to do marching and standing you know about face left turn whatever the fuck it was right but I had the crack a jack uniform so oh yeah yeah the puppy yeah yeah so I used to go and fucking do drugs and get shit faced in my puppy uniform after uniform after fucking the Seekadets. Right after that. That night we did the pizza thing.

I was in my crackage at uniform, running through the fucking bushes. I lost my hat. That's beautiful. So you were doing drugs at 13? Yeah, I started doing, I started drinking 10. I started drinking hard alcohol at 10. At 10?

Yeah, I was drinking, uh, like seven seven. I was hanging out with this fucking guy named Dickey. Uh, he was like 30 in this girl patty who I wanted to fuck at 10. Yeah, I wanted a banger. Dickey wanted to fuck patty. Patty hung out with Dickey because he could buy his alcohol. She, she was dating this mafia fucking son kid, right. And, and now we would just hang out all the fucking time at the tracks Get shit faced and she would make out with me behind Dickie's back How old was she at the time? She was like a couple years old. I mean I was 10 she had to be like 13 So he and and Dickie wanted to bang a 13-year-old?

Yeah, Dickie wanted to bang a 13-year-old That's creepy and I used to drink with this fucking guy I used to and he was like white trash and I used to party with him all the fucking time and what happened was I remember I got drunk my birthday. He got me shit faced. I went home and I was so fucked up I crawled under the porch right and just slept in the dirt for like an hour and then went in to my house I had to shit and puke. So I went in. I started shitting and then I puke in the sink. So I had to keep puke in and shit. But I puke that pasta. So it was just full pasta. Right. So I wouldn't go down the sink. No. So I started

taking the pasta, digging it out, throwing it in the toilet. My mother came in, saw me with my pants down, shit in the toilet, you know, scooping puke into the toilet. My mother came in saw me with my pants down, shit in the toilet, you know scooping puke into the toilet and she fucking knocked me out cold fucking co-cocked me. Really? Yeah, threw me in the bed. I slept in my puke and shit on night. This was at 10. I woke up the next day, she came in really calm and she's like Bobby, I don't want you to do that anymore. And I didn't do it for a year. You didn't drink? Didn't fucking do shit for a year and then around 11 I just fucking I was full. I could I was done from 11 to probably 15 15 was the last drink I had I could drink a case of beer by myself pint of Alan's 101 peppermint schnapps and I was fucking so you didn't have any curfew

I mean you drink and a case of beer at 13 14 years old. Oh, like then you a fucking so you didn't have any curfew I mean you drink in a case of beer at 13 14 years old like then you have to be yeah I had a curfew yeah I definitely had a curfew but I didn't fucking follow it so what would you do when you got home so you I go home and then climb out the fucking window of the third story fucking house scale the fucking ledge slide down the fucking roof to the other roof and go the fuck out and then come home before the the morning and that would you go to school what about going to school? I didn't in seventh grade seventh eighth grade yeah seventh grade I didn't I actually I didn't go to school for like three weeks I finally came back one day the math teacher was like well it's nice to see you and I went

you know what go fuck yourself and I walked out yeah I didn't go to school then I got arrested I got 13 I went to Juve Hall for the first time so what you're gonna arrest it for fucking stupidness because it was tough to I mean you look at all the other shit you did besides whatever you got arrested for yeah imagine if you did that stuff now you'd be fucking I'd be I'd be I would have been in jail for 40 years oh yeah we use, we used to. So I'm going to shit that we did. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, fuck yeah.

You know, you know, you know, you do one thing like you fucking pull the kids pants down, cuz you stuck a carrot in his ass or something. You know, and then you're all over fucking CNN and you, you know, you're going away for 10 years. Oh, yeah, do we used to fucking, we used to get needles, tape them to, uh, Q tips, cut Q tips in half, tape them to Q tips and put them in the straws and It made a perfect dark and we used to go out in the playground during lunch and just

Fucking pick me motherfuckers and you'd see like kids going in and just the back of the lead was all blood From like three or three darts in the back of their leg. That's fucking beautiful. Oh, yeah, we were fucking psychos The shit we used to do. Yeah yeah, we were fucking psychos. The shit we used to do, yeah, it was bad. I know, I mean, we ripped up the friggin' teachers' book, a great book, fucking threw it out, burned it out the window in sane shit that we did. I mean, throwin' stuff at the teachers,

assault and a punchin' em. I fucking fought the gym teacher. Did you hit him? I came up, he was threatenin' my friend. We're all at recess, my friend went into the bathroom and he was holdin' him them by the neck and I came up and go, what the fuck are you doing? So me and my friend just beat the shit out

of the gym teacher. Really? Yeah, he was a big guy too, but he was scared. I don't know, he was scared. We fucking just went at it. But I got kicked out every school. I don't know about you. I went to, I think seven junior highs.

I went to five or six high schools, you know, I only got thrown out one set to six grade. I was at a Catholic school and I, but thrown out in six grade. Six grade. Yeah, they they were they started bragging and I'm you know, they make that a morning announcement. Yeah, I said we just got these new wrestling match. It cost a few thousand dollars. Please take care of them, you know, we you know, it broke our budget, but we're excited. Well, you know, use them use them that day me my buddy cut them up with razor blades Oh fucking sliced them all up. Why why not? Why not and then the next week they knew it was our class because I was we had eighth grade Our eighth period gym class that I knew would happen between that and in the morning

So it was down to three guys in the class me and two other trouakers. And eventually I was in the office for like the last three months. Nons and priests would just be smackin' me in a face. Tell me, I was like, I was like, I was the original water-border. They fucking, you know, just pullin' my hair. Just admit it. I'm a man swear to God on the Bible. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

And to the school, you get the fuck out. Wow. I got kicked out of Catholic school, too. But not because of me. I got kicked out because my stepfather used to beat the shit out of me. And I kept going to school with black eyes and shit and they just didn't want the trouble. Really? Yeah, we don't want you back here.

Wow. Yeah, I had a public school. And then I got fucking beat up by him and then I got bullied at the other school I went to. I used to like have to wait in school and hide till three o'clock because kids like kids would be waiting for me every day to beat the shit out of me. Why? Because you were like the outside air like a new kid in school. I don't know man it was back then you know fucking...

Then you grew up outside of Boston so it's you see it was you know fucking rough and tough just white trash fucking animals right pretty much. Yeah I was just I was really a nice kid. But then I just, I think I was fucking, I know, I did something to somebody's little brother and then they were all after me. Right. That's happened to me a bunch of times in life. Right.

I broke a kid's arm once. We got no fight. And then his brother's from the football wrestling team were after me. And that's happened to be like, I'd gang the kids after me a lot. Oh, and then I remember one kid like spread a room. He was like, you're a fag and you kept saying I was gay. Right.

And then that shit, when you're a kid, that's devastating. Yeah. It's like being called gay when you're fucking in sixth grade, so you're like, motherfucker, nobody wants to talk to you. Yeah. Nobody even knows what gay is really. You know what I mean?

It's just like, it's just bad. So, yeah, that's when I fucking snapped, though. When you realize, I used to get picked on all the time. And then in seventh's when I fucking snapped, though, when you realize I used to get picked on all the time. And then in seventh grade, I broke my wrist at a cast on my arm. And one of the kids who used to pick me started picking me on the hallway, and I beat the fuck out of them with my cast. Really? I just I just I just snapped. Fucking smashed him in the fucking head. He was crying, bleeding. and then through the p8 like 20 minutes later When anybody with a cast on their right arm, please come to the principal's office

I went in there was just a bunch of kids crying with cast I walked in I did it I like blood on my cast But that was like when I was like I get it. I get it fucking be a nutcase right? Absolutely, yeah, no scared. Yeah, so 15 years old Scared of you. So 15 years old, you stopped drinking. You haven't had a drink since you were 15. I haven't had a drink or a drug since I was 15. Oh, shit, man. Yeah, my last drink was white labeled scotch

out of the bottle. And I think it was a case, not a case, a rack of tals. And I smoked a bunch of joints. And by that time that's that didn't even give me a higher drunk. Right. Yeah. And then we ripped off gumball machines. How did you do that? We just fucking ripped them off the fucking stand. Took them to the tracks, smashed them, took the

gum, took the money. And I remember we were running down the tracks. I ran over a couple bushes and then I just heard this cop it was up and upstate in New York near outside of Spencerport, New York. Right. Fucking loaded shock I'm right in my face and he goes get on your knees so I got on my knees. I was 15 and then he goes if he moves shoot him to the other cop.

Right. I was like, it's gum. I know and fucking quarters and and nickels in there. Yeah, I actually hit all my quarters under a rock before I jumped the bush. We went to jail. I didn't admit shit, nothing. I looked out these two kids I was with, crying,

their father's there, they fucking rattle me out. Really? I had to take the cops back to the fucking rock at like four in the morning I was all fucked up I was coming down off the fucking drinking and you know I had to take them back and find this rock all fucked up and give them like I think it was like fucking maybe three dollars and quarters but I was awarded the state by then right right back to jail went to jail it for a year

a week in Rochester which was one of the worst juby jails I've ever been in close to prison right and then they flew me back to Boston so you were in jail for one week in there and then you go I came back here with the jail in Boston how long you in jail for there you go to juby jail is weird you only go in you go in usually go in to the worst place for like a few weeks, a month, then you go to a better place for a month or two months, and then you'll go to like a program for six months to a year. You know what I mean?

Right. It's not like you go to jail and do time the whole time, but you know, some of them are bad. It's not, you know, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. Right. I mean, it's bad because you're in fucking jail. Yeah. But it's not you know it's it's not as bad as people make it out to be I mean it's bad because you're in fucking jail yeah but it's not like you suck a dick you know that's when people always say to me you you suck to blow dudes them it's it's a month you know it's like right

right if I need to cigarette that bad and I fucking suck and do I'm a I'm a fag and fucking gay you know I'm getting out Tuesday I'll blow you in a home so it's so 15 you were in jail for a month. That does, that may be stop that night. It's probably a year. Okay, whole process takes a year. So you missed all school, you pretty much got to school. And then I got out, went back in another time,

same type of thing for a year, did the same thing at 15, for another year. It was in a program for a year, a drug program, all guys, 25 kids for a year. And that's where I got sober. Wow. Yeah. You can always look at it man. How does a guy, at 15, you must have been so fucked up never to have to stop.

I know like Norton stopped it like Jim Norton stopped it like 18. I mean, I always talked about that man you had to be fucked up to be have that much of a big of a problem at 18 or 15 to just stop and never do it again usually people in the 20s or 30s fun like all right I got to stop this I think I think it's this though people say I think that certain I think I did what most teenagers do or a lot of teenagers do but some people don't give a fuck right some people don't care You know, they just go through it. They go through the jewelry hall. They go and they get caught I got caught a lot. I got caught stealing dumbled machines a lot of kids don't get caught doing that stupid shit Yeah, a lot of kids

I did what a lot of kids do But there was a certain point like Jim and me your personality where you're like I don't want to fucking be this idiot And I think some people like yeah, I don't want to fucking be this idiot and I think some people like I don't give a fuck and work their way through it and some people don't some people remain that fucking idiot for the rest of their lives and wind up in jail and fucking you know drunk some people work their way through it and just like you know but I I was like you know what a 15 I know Jim at a young age where it's, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be with these fucking idiots. I want to evolve out of this. Right. You know, not to say that I'm better than anybody, but I

just like fucking done. Right. I was just done doing this shit. Wow. Yeah. You drink, right? Yeah, I drink. I never had a problem with that, but you know, if I had any addiction, it was, you know, with women. I might, yeah, well, that's the thing that happens. Right. You just go from one to another, because to another because you know like that's what most addicts do. I think every up this then they just focus on that. Yeah the underlying causes they call that. Is that what it is? Yeah the underlying causes that's what they tell you to be aware of.

Yeah you may have stopped drinking and using drugs but be aware of the underlying causes which is food and pussy. Right. Oh pussy's worse man. Pussy will fuck you up. Pussy's pussy. Right. Oh, pussy's worse, man. Pussy will fuck you up. Pussy's bad. Yeah, it's, uh, I, I, I, I, I never had a problem, but it was just, I was just feeling annoyed with it.

Yeah. You know, like I always grew up an angry kid, just fucking, you know, raging, putting Catholic schools. I hated it, so I just fucking destroyed shit. Cut, cut, you know, key cars, fucking smash windshields, do whatever, you know, just fucking smash windshields do whatever, you know Just fucking be out of my mind didn't get laid got into heavy metal

So of course I didn't get laid growing up cuz chicks didn't what a fuck you if you were talking about slayer You know and then all of a sudden you start getting you start getting laid and you know fuck it I'll take it on all these girls fuck them all, you know I'm making up for it. So that's what I went through for a long time Yeah, but you had you weren't in a band at all. No, I never in a band, nothing. So you had that fucking long, beautiful hair just as a fan? Well, no, because I knew that got me laid, because I used to have this short hair and a bad mustache,

and my buddies were all in bands. And I see all the pussy they get. And like, dude, you gotta get rid of that fucking mustache. It's awful. But I grew up mustache just so I can get liquor, you know, like 16, 17, 18, I looked older. So me and my friends all grew these bad mustachees, and we'd get, you know, two case of beer, we get served, but we had no chicks.

So we'd sit in the woods and just drink beer by ourselves. So you didn't get chicks with that hair? No, but that was later. That was later. That was like 22, 23 eggs. So you would just show up at those rock clubs in the fucking metal, metal fucking shows, looking like just a metalhead and just bang bros. Yeah, well, especially in Jersey,

because Jersey was like five years behind. So, you know, like a bunch of over your face, you know, like mid 80s was just ridiculous. I worked in a rock club as a DJ in a metal club. So, you know, then the girls didn't even care. Girls were like guys back then, like the 80s, those fucking metal chicks. They fucked you one night,

and the next night they would avoid you and go sleep But some other guy just like a guy so it was perfect. You know at the making excuse you didn't go I mean call me none of that shit. They were like guys my favorite fucking chick on the planet Is that type of Jersey chick and they're still I know that that era is gone But those chicks are still around you know what I mean that yeah, they got like that big nose The sexy big nose and high a little fucking, you know what I mean? That they got like that big nose, sexy big nose, high, a little fucking highlight in their hair and some weird tattoos and they wear the fucking,

oh, that Jersey rock and roll, just dirty Jersey girl. They stripped a couple times, you know, maybe for a year or maybe for a little bit. Yeah, absolutely. That's the right thing. One of my favorite girls, if I had a choice of a woman I could fucking fuck, it would be a chick bit. Yeah, absolutely. That's my favorite girls. If I had a choice of a woman I could fucking fuck It would be a chick from Jersey honestly. God and I know people say it fucking fucking Jersey. No hot

Fucking slamming bodies. They all have I like a chick with a little goofy face You know, I don't like that perfect California fucking Barbie doll bush little you know, maybe a little snaggle tooth or you know, they mean a crooked smile A little big nose or eyes are a little too close together just but that body's fucking Smoking just a naturally Smoking body with some nice titties and they oh, they fuck they like to fuck they'll suck it dick in a car They'll fuck you in a fucking vestibule You know, they mean just like that like you were saying that guy mentality.

Yeah, they have totally had that guy mentality. They did it for a long time and the grunge ruined it when fucking the vana came around and all that music went away and all those chicks went away. And they all went and got fucking married. And then I cut my hair and I couldn't get laid again. Then all of a sudden, because you know, then chicks like they're worked in banks

are like mortgage brokers, you know, would be a, we didn't hear look, and then it would take you like a month again, they're pants, I'm like, fuck, what the fuck? You know, comedy though, you must've got to push you with comedy, right? It took a while though, you know, in the beginning I did, but then when I cut it,

you know, it didn't, but because if you suck at comedy, it's not, you're not gonna get pussy, unless you're playing, like I started like the middle of Pennsylvania and Jersey playing like rock bars and shit like that like C and D room so I would get pussy to air like boss and and Bob leave you took me on a road When I was younger because I had long hair and chicks We just talked to me after the show right those guys already headlined and I was like did you see his said he'd come over I have like five chicks around me. I had 10 minutes at bomb boss. We have to destroy it for an hour

So he would just get the leftovers Vos. Did you see his set and they will yeah we saw your teeth to beat it. Well Vos had them all at Vos had them freaking the curly hair with the mallet and he used to wear those fucking bad weightlifting pants. Yeah yeah. And a tank top. And a tank top. And his fucking teeth. Yeah and he had the bad tan. So he wasn't that fucking good looking either but those guys always took me on the road so I did get pussy doing that. Well, pussy, I mean, I used to get, I did comedy, kind of not at the beginning,

I did comedy because I wanted to do it, but then once I started getting gigs, and I mean, I did it for the pussy man. I used to do shows and get, I get fucked all the time. I used to, it really fucked me up. It set my comedy back five years. That's what I wanted to ask,

because I think, I mean, you're're an amazing place in comedy right now, but it took a long time and it's same with me. I'm in a pretty good place, but do you think it held you back? Do you think you could have been further along your career? Yeah, absolutely. I think that when you're going down to the clubs in the city and or wherever on the road and you're going up to kill, you're doing that same kill hour that you do. And you're doing it to fucking get pussy. You get some, you're looking out in the crowd and you're delivering punchlines and throwing a wink

and waiting around outside for those fucking accolades. You care more about the accolades and the fucking attention and you know, filling the void with some some broad who thinks you're fucking amazing which can go on and on and on it's like a time machine all the sudden years have gone by and you just went for a check after check show after show and you you haven't done shit in your act you don't know how to bomb you don't know how to take a hot one you don't know how to write a fucking joke you're not to do that hour that's what happened to a lot of comics

and Boston as you know you back in the, they just got an hour and that's what you did for the rest of your fucking life. Right. Can't do that anymore. No. Yeah, you get guys out there set the new curve where you got a fucking constantly evolving like Carl and fucking, you know, you constantly get a right new shit and come up with it and you know, so Louis CK and you know even Norton, nor you're fucking crazy right? It's machine. Yeah, but yeah, but then I got deep into I got into fucking prostitutes But but now do you think that because my whole thing and I'm sure when you were caught up in the whole moment of it It's like look it's a Wednesday night. I'm in Columbus, Ohio What else am I gonna do after the show? I'm I was well good to pussy. I don't have a show till tomorrow night

Like that was my whole theory like who cares? cares? You know what the alt comic was doing? He was fucking going back, listening to his set and trying to figure it out. You can make that joke better, writing another joke and then watching the daily show and trimming his fucking beard that doesn't connect. And then you know what I mean? And then promoting his next gig on fucking whatever fucking Facebook was back then. You know what I mean? Well that's that's my whole theory with what Dane Cook and I know your friends with him and I know Dane a little but I always defend him because people fucking rip him apart. All these comics of Jell-Sub and whatever you know and it's just like and my whole theory with him is like you know what that guy wasn't chasing pussy after the show.

Instead he was going back to his hotel room. He was making his mailing list. He was doing his my space as Facebook. Whatever it was. The guy was doing mailing list. He was doing his MySpace, his Facebook, whatever it was. The guy was doing the work. He wasn't out fucking just sitting at the bar, drinking beers and just bitching. And just, I'm wrong. Yeah, you're absolutely getting a lot of pussy.

Yeah. But he was spending his days. OK, his day. But he never drank or anything like that. But my thing is, he wasn't a miserable comic. After the show went to the bar and just sit there and bitch about other comics all night and just said fuck this guy I'm fucking better yeah well that guy's fucking doing his work well he probably did that I think all comics do

that in your own head will you like I'm fucking I can be better than that but he he didn't say it out loud right somebody else he just you know look I know he he came up with a plan and did the work. Right. And went home and, you know, started collecting people and keeping in touch with them and writing them back and doing, you know, at the beginning of social networking, really got into social networking. I remember he would sit on the, he would tell people, I am me. He built a lot of his fans through I am instant messenger.

Well, he would go on, I remember he used to do it, and then a couple of years went by and he goes, dude, watch this. And he turned his I am on. And within probably 20 seconds, thousands of instant messages covered the screen. Oh, shit. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing,

because he was talking to all these people saying, hi, I remember you sit there and he'd be like, hey, what's up? How you doing? What's going on? Send me a picture you have a blah blah and he would send people you know and I I Could I tried doing it right but only three people fucking came right and I mean it's a fucking self-esteem But I think too is that a guy like him that only comes along You know you can't recreate what he did you think you you're getting to Facebook page and a Twitter account and get these people, you're not. You're not. There's something about him that people stuck. Right. There's something about Russell Peters that people stuck. There's something about Lisa Lamponelli that people stick. You

don't know what that is and when it's gonna happen to you, because it could happen to you tomorrow. But when it happens, these people capitalize on it. They know how to capitalize on it. But the average asshole is not gonna get a Facebook page and just spend all fucking day working on Facebook and then have all these fans. Yeah, that's true.

It's, those people, Dane is like a specific very once in a while thing that happens. Right. So, you know, I did a I did the Tour of the last year over a million people. I should have a million people on my fucking Twitter. Right. I don't. You know, the some I killed every share. Right. Right. I fucking didn't have a I mean the place would go 18,000 people, 20,000 people, going nuts, never had a bad show. But there's something that was his fans. Right. So, you know, I got some of them.

Yeah. But still, they're like, oh, we saw you with Dane Cook. We didn't know, they don't know me. Right. So it's going to have to be whatever my thing is, you know, whatever your thing is, that we pop on TV, like your show, you're building your fan base up now. So the next thing you do that pops, you're gonna have that group of people

and then all these other fucking people. Right, right, right. So, all right, so you don't, so, I mean, but it did hold you back your addictions with the sex and prostitutes. It definitely held me back too because I wasn't working, like I said, I just had my killer set and I did that on stage

and I didn't care about anything else. Once I was done, I didn't care about my comedy, I didn't tape, I wrote here an air, but yeah until I really started getting my shit together, which is probably like eight, nine years ago, which you know, I remember I was like, man, I gotta go to fucking therapy, I gotta find some shit out of my late 30s, and I remember talking to you and you said, dude, I got this guy for you when you're ready. Yeah. Go, he's fucking amazing. Yeah. You gave me this therapist, number, this guy Allen and New York, dude, I got this guy for you when you're ready. Go. He's fucking amazing. Yeah.

You gave me this therapist number, this guy Allen and New York. I never go into ever since and the guy basically changed my life. He did me too. I went to a guy before him, an analyst, bow tie, I used to have two fucking dogs, these crazy fucking lion looking dogs that would literally growl and bark at me the whole fucking time. And he'd always complain about money. He'd always bring up money that I'm not paying him his full thing. And I finally was like, fuck you.

And then somebody, another comic, told me about Alan. And ever since that fucking guy changed my life. I mean, I believe that you need somebody as especially crazy fucking comics with all our fucking dirty secrets and resentment and all the fucked up shit. You need somewhere to go neutral where you can be 100% honest with another human being and it's not going to fuck up your life. You can't tell you chick your deepest darkest thoughts. You can't tell me or your other friends really the fucked up shit because it just you can't you can go to Allen

And tell them and he'll fucking listen and you can kind of work through it and figure out where it comes from and why you do what you do And you know it's not gonna fuck up your life, right? You know what I mean? Yeah, my my whole big thing was I mean when people suggested it to me My whole thing was if you don't know anything about therapy I'm like I'm not gonna go to therapy because I'm gonna lose my anger and that's where I get my material from. That was my whole thing.

It sounds so fucking stupid now, but I go, I'm not gonna lose my anger. And you're not gonna lose your anger at all. And even when I went to, I'm like, I don't wanna lose, because that's when my material comes from. I get angry and I write, and then I bring it on stage and it's a fucking great piece.

I don't wanna be a nice guy. Oh, that doesn't bother me. He's like, that's fucking stupid. And it took me a while actually, I understand that. I went for a couple of months. I'm like, ah, and I took a year off and then I went back and I've been back ever since. I walked in the first day. I go, listen, you know, I'm making me a little fag.

He goes, you're already off. You're a year. Real men don't need therapy. That's what he said to me. He goes goes sit down So I was like, all right, you fucking cock sucker. I get it But yeah, I mean I was the same thing dude. I don't want to lose my edge right my edge is what makes me funny The you know, I always thought that you know banging chicks and prostitute being a creep and having all these and then being totally honest about it

was my fucking edge Yeah, and it wasn't you know, there's a fucking hole at a level of fucking intelligence that you get a tap into and evolve that makes you fucking great. That makes you a great comic. Can we just start talking about shit that nobody else is talking about? And your anger is coming up. But you probably have other shit that comes up in your act now, too. Yeah.

About your kid and being married, where it's not fucking my wife's I got you know, it's like I like being man I have a kid and fucking it's different shit comes up in your life now And you wouldn't be there you wouldn't have a kid you wouldn't be mad You wouldn't be yeah if you were still fucked up and angry and pissed off and doing all that bullshit You know, it was amazing man, you know because everything he said in the beginning, you're like, whatever, please. And then all of a sudden, you get like, holy shit, I get it. I was always like, man, this is all I want.

I just want to be fucking left alone. And I love sex. He goes, just get a prostitute then. Just get a prostitute for an hour. And then you don't have to come here anymore. If you just want to be left alone and fuck. I go, you know what, that makes sense, but I'm not in the prostitute.

He goes, that's fucking stupid. And then I will go, you know what? I just want to be in an apartment in New York City by myself, because yeah, you wait to you by yourself in that apartment. You're going to be miserable. That's when everything's going to come that are from like, yeah, whatever. I go, no, I'm going to be sitting there. I'm like, this the fucking greatest. I could do whatever I want. He goes, all right, fine. Have that apartment. You watch what happens. And then three, you cut the three years later, I got a place in the Jersey shore, like right on the beach, for the summer, I said, I'm now on a Tuesday night,

like the middle of June, I'm like, this sucks. I'm like, who do I call? Am I 21-year-old nephew? He's like, let's go drink fucking beers, that of a, you know, draft beers, it's fucking, or you can drink from eight to 10. I'm like, I'm gonna hang out with a bunch of 21-year-olds. I'm like, this blows, and then I knew

I had to get my shit together. He was fucking right, that motherfucker. Yeah, he fucking, dude, I had my life fall apart, dude. I have everything fall apart. I got caught with everything. And I had a decision. It's like, you know, the girl that's my wife now is like, look, if you're going to get your shit together, I'll help you.

If you're not, I'm out. And I remember I talked to Colin and he was like well you can fucking you can You can either say fuck it because all my friends are like dude you're a douchebag you're a dog right? That's who you are. Yeah, that's the guy thing. Yeah, that's who we are That's what you are dude that you're never gonna change you're never gonna fuck and they and but it makes sense When people tell you that. It totally does.

You're like, yeah, maybe I am a guy, that's what guys do. Yeah, yeah, it goes, the guys do, I don't love the girls, I just fuck them, it's not, it's not an emotional thing. That's a rock and roll fucking lifestyle. Yeah. And then Colin Quinn was the only guy that said, if you try in eight months, if it doesn't work out and you're out of that piece of shit truly,

you can just walk away. But if you don't, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your fucking life And he you know he knows that firsthand right so I was like that that made the fucking sense me It's funny because I When I started going to therapy and I started trying to get my shit together and not bang hookers and not do all the fucked up Divion shit and try to stay committed to somebody and work through my bullshit. I got so much shit, you know, from the fucking single dude. Now they all got girlfriends, they're fucking all, you know, getting married, having kids, they're trying to go into therapy.

Fuck you. Imagine if I listened to them, like I did my shit friends my whole life. I would have been fucking, it's just like when I went to Juveol and those cock suckers ratted me out for the quarters in the gum balls Right, you know, I fucking cut. Thank God. I listen to him I fuck I would have been a fucking piece of shit. I would have been alone right now Yeah, I would have been alone in New York at my apartment Uh, right in hell's kitchen with fucking duplex beautiful apartment bang an awesome hot chick from Jersey in my shower

That fits four people with five shower heads in a TV and a bench getting my nuts sucked, fucking ass hole eaten by two chicks. What the fuck did I do? I should dump my wife and I know we should I should dump my wife you dump yours tell them they can move in together we'll take my pad and the city and we'll fuck dude, that's all you need, it was me, you just need of me. I got the pattern of the city, we'll be roommates and we'll just fucking bang bros. Just like, just when the therapist would make it sense, now you make more sense. You know, right?

Yeah, but you know what it is, a fucking loan. Dude, I- It is, man. You know what, and you look at it like, all right, this is the bottom line. As a guy thing like you want to feel Even though you're not like this fuck this Did you put up Hall of Fame numbers? Yes, then there you go Yes, when you know when a guy gets in to his career He's got to move on a baseball players can't play forever. You move on to something else. You're in the hall Yeah, I've done it. I've done it. You're in the Hall of Fame. I've done it all you could be a first baller. I am first baller Hall of Fame

I'm first baller because you got a country and andter. Because you got a lot of pussy before you were famous too. I got a lot of pussy. So that means a lot when you really had a work for it. You know, when you weren't on TV. So you got those are unbelievable numbers. Yeah. You know, so I got a lot of box way before comedy. And then when I got comedy, you know, I used to be art. That was my thing, I used to draw on paint brods and get them in my studio. I had a book of all, like, it'd be a half a tit, because by the time I drew, you know, drawn the tit and then I go over and my dick would be in the mouth and that would be it. Just a bunch of different tit's that's all I had. Yeah, I definitely put up, but I mean, look, you always

look back, and you know, you get a kid now now I'm trying to have a kid you know and there's gonna be a point of no return where you're not gonna be able to it's right now me and you could if we wanted to go out tonight and fuck some bitches right fuck them good but there's gonna be we're getting to the point of no return where it's we're not gonna be able to do that we're not gonna be able to go out and just pick up a check a young hot broad from Jersey or wherever the fuck she is You know, we're gonna be that guy. Yeah, you know, we're gonna have to pay for it if we do want it We're gonna be that guy unless we're fucking, you know gazillionaires and then we'll fuck whoever we want But you know, that's a little scary to me. You know when you become you know, that's it There's no right now. There's a little you know, there's always that fantasy right you know, you like I had a you know when you become you know that's it there's no right now there's a little you know there's always that fantasy right you know like i had a you know waitress

uh... last week was like you know like i thought i had a dream last night that i was writing writing you and fucking the shit out of you you know my knees were shaking right yeah you know six years ago seven years ago i'm in she's sucking my dick in between shows yeah she's i'm going to took my dick in between shows. Yeah, she's, I'm going

to took my dick out and I would, I really, I had my head, literally I had, I would have took my dick out and be like, is that the cock you want? Is that what you saw on my cock? Is that the way you, I know I've done it. Yeah. I was shaking. I was like, oh, that's nice. What else? You unicorns in that dream, honey? Get the fuck out of here shake and yeah, and then you go back to you'll tell like no that's her I'm no I can't I can't that's the hot apart you go back to your hotel You're eating a fucking cheese plate or some Caesar salad dressing on the side. I know fucking cuz your wife only eat fucking Carbs with fucking fattening dressing and you get to call her and she's like, you know, she's watching fucking mob wives. You're bothering her.

Hey, what's up, honey? Hey, what's up? Can I call you back after the whole, really? I could have got my balls. You can't, you can't, you can't do what I do. Cause I remember on Colin Coins that he got sober at a young age, maybe early 20s.

He was on MTV remote control at the time, doing all the spring break stuff. He said he'd be in the friggin elevator, there'd be a huge party and the friggin suite up there. And he goes, I'm just going to stop my room. He goes on, I'd sit in my hands and just cry. Because I knew I couldn't go up there. I knew I'd be fucked if I went up there. I couldn't imagine, think that I was five years sober before I hit the comedy scene. If I, if I got sober and then hit the comedy scene, I did five solid years of AA.

Right. I mean, the same meetings for five years, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday night, Thursday night. Same fucking meetings for five years. Thank God I did that because once the comedy thing happened, I would have been, I would have never made it. Yeah. Yeah. This business is so much evil shit. I mean you know the drinks are free, the fucking drugs are free and the pussy is for free. I know every time you go to to hey the club's got a table waiting for you. You're gonna go to strip club whatever you need. You need this. Just tell me what you need. You know it's mostly working on a fucking comedy club. The staff's always got whatever you need. But it must be hard for you though, because I have a reputation. People know that I don't drink.

I talk about being married in my act or with a chick. But you're a fucking metal guy. You're a rock and roll guy. You do a show that's fucking about metal and rock and roll. That's kind of the lifestyle. So when chicks, I mean, you go to these shows, you go to concerts. You're around these people that it's still know, is still rock and roll is rock and roll, dude. It must be hard for you to go there. It's not really because the shit we do is

more like classic metal, like Metallica and stuff like that. And even new, so the audience is like 40-year-old males. Is Metallica classic now? Pretty much like classic metal. Yeah. I mean, they've been around to 25 years now. Or more than that, why don't I talk to 82, 83? Jesus. So all that I'd stuff, I went on tour with these metal bands Slayer, Megadeth and Anthax opened up like 13,000, you know, arenas, and it was 98% guys at the crowd.

Did you do comedy? Yeah. How the fuck did you do comedy? In front of fucking Slayer, which is the fucking heaviest band of it, it was insane. Did you bomb? I, some of the Slayer, which is the fucking heaviest band of it? It was insane. Did you bomb? I, some of the shows I did, but I pulled it off.

I had to do three, five minute sets between each band. Why would you even accept that? I, I had to fucking do it because bands don't even want to go on before Slayer. That's how fucking insane this crowd is. You know, Moshin and fucking animals. I mean, some of them knew me from the metal show, but I just had to do it as a challenge. I said, I got to fucking do this. That makes my honestly, God, that makes my heart.

I had to. I needed a chance. I needed to. I said, you know what, I'm fucking, I'm to my, it's too safe for me right now. I got a fucking, I got to do something. I don't want you to do a black room. Why the fuck? I've done million black. Why was you fucking dude? That's quick. I know. Let me tell you I had some outside afternoon after a band the fucking three Nose of comedy I know and you did you did two probably three of them All the fucking time. Yeah, I did every enough for a month

I don't know how do you go out and what do you say? Well, you know I was the younger master host and MC so I did a fight so I that took up two minutes of my set I'm announcements. And three minutes of comedy, boom, boom, boom, 100 miles an hour to fucking filthy as disgusting Joe. Did they laugh? Yeah, you know, yeah, get most of them. Yeah, but then they would get really restless.

But a third time I was out like enough of you. And my third set, I couldn't even do it on the main stage because the band Slayer, the Helena band, had a curtain cover on the whole stage for this show. So I had to do it at the sound board in the middle of the arena in the middle, you know what you to go to the car Yeah, and all of a sudden a spotlight hits me like two minutes before the band's going on They're all looking at the stage. Oh, I go. Hey, how you guys doing? I'm over here and I like to they'll have to turn around Man that stresses me out bro. I that fucking stresses me out thinking about that and how many shows?

25 shows dude. I don't know what the fuck what we 25 shows was it good money? Yeah, it was good money and I was on a fucking tour bus for a month with the band never did I actually yeah I was well I wasn't with the band I was with like yay you might as to people it's still what's fucking great though I love that did you get to know the band? Yeah, absolutely hung out with the bands. I thought you were cool. Yeah, it was great But it was the worst night The second night San Antonio all fucking Mexican metal Mexican Look at all Mexicans that are in the metal right and they're fucking super angry and they don't even understand what I'm saying and

The fucking just when I got to the third set at the arena 13,000 people just beers are fucking flying Missiles coming at me. What did you do and I'm like, oh, I'm just fucking dodging them I'm like keep going I kept going Because I said because it was only my second show. I didn't want to get thrown off the tour See fucking comics is so with slaves. I know I'm telling you fucking slave mentality man And and beers a fucking land on the sound board to fucking splash it all over They didn't know that was gonna happen so they're freaking out like the sound board's gonna Short out yeah, so the next night they got the whole thing fucking they put tarps over like two minutes before They're fucking run everybody get out of the way fucking Gallagher. Yeah get out of the way

He's going up there And I got to stand out there by myself, but then I bring like eager chicks up to just so give me some eye candy Right so maybe they could focus on them for a second I gotta stand out there by myself, but then I bring like, yeah, your chicks up to just so give me some eye candy. Right. So maybe they can focus on them for a second. How did you make it out of the crowd after that? Because the lights would go right down as soon as I introduced Slayer and I would just fucking sneak out right out the side.

They didn't want to kill me. You know, most people knew me, but you know, definitely there was some that just said, get the fuck off. When people, when you got, you've done with them, people probably didn't hack on you. When you got 13,000 people

and a few people Hecklin you don't even acknowledge him his crowds Were the fucking most polite best not one Fucking nothing not one in between a joke Wednesday No, how much time did you have to do I did 25 minutes wow not one night of I did 25 minutes. Wow. Not one night of maybe the occasional hot broad that just came to see Dane or their blackberry in the front row during my set. Something like that. But never. I mean, I know what you, I mean, I did, I did the, um, O and A shows. So I know, I know the fear of that. Yeah. But the, I mean, that's, they're coming to see comedy. Dude, you're going up.

Yeah, I would have said no to that gig. I mean, if they went, hey, you're going to know, I know it would have came out of my mouth like that. No matter what the money was, no matter how, if it was $25,000 a show, I would do it. Anything under that, I would say no. It wasn't even close to that. But, originally, we went up there and went up to heavy metal stories. I could not... You could tell stories?

I'm going to tell stories in front of a crack. I'm going to do my comedy, whatever I pick out. I'm not telling stories. I don't get it. No one will let me sit on a stool and tell stories. Sit on a stool. It's a fucking metal bill. Cosby from Jersey? I know. Fucking tell stories. Sit on a stool. He's a fucking metal bill cause me from Jersey.

I know. Fucking assholes. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. What was the best show you had? Probably like LA or something like that, like 8,000 people at Universal. Yeah, well, they know you. They were fucking, it was unbelievable.

A lot of the shows were really good. A Green Bay played a Milwaukee actually. And I just made a fun of Brett Farr for fucking 10 minutes. The place went fucking ballistic. hilarious on Twitter by the way. Oh, thanks. Oh, a far. Oh, you're really smashing.

Fucking their guys, the worst. The biggest piece of shit. Biggest piece of shit. Why don't you like Brett Farr? He's just an ass. He's a fucking spoiled baby. He doesn't come out of the coach says, come out of a game. He goes, no, I'm staying in. Who fucking does that? Who wouldn't get shit for that? Anybody,

any other athlete that he goes, no, I'm staying in. They're down like 20 to 3. I'm staying in. Yeah, that's real good for the team. You motherfucker. Yeah, I don't want to show off for practice. I just want to show off for the games. Everybody else is sweating their fucking balls off. He just wants to show off for the game. Fuck you. And then he's rusty for three weeks and the teams I went three. What do you think about what he did with the check? No, not in fact. I respect them. But I would never I would never send my cock that small. What a fucking rookie move. I know. What a rookie move. It's always you got to take it from up top, get it half full where it's bendable. Yeah. But it can pop back

to shape. And you got to get that angle stretch it out so it's a nice And it's like that optical illusion where the tip looks a little where it's like fuck a while like an Escher drawing There's a going up and down exactly. Yeah, it's hanging It's you do 50 shots before you get the right one. Yeah, that's the one you're saying Yeah, you get a take a couple sides right yeah, but it's like you know when I take photos I'm gonna I always do. Yeah, you gotta take a couple sides. That's right. Yeah, opposite. When I take photos, I always do the fat. The photos are always gonna be up and down so my fucking fat chin isn't in it.

Right. Yeah, but your cock is the same thing, man. And you gotta take it too, because you can't, you don't wanna get any distinguishing marks. You wanna make it so that can be just anybody's cock. Absolutely. Yeah, you don't wanna have like your freckle or some noticeable thing in there. Well, me and my wife here had, you don't want to have like your freckle or some noticeable

thing in there. Well, me mal, he had his, he had his crocks on, you could see him, he's always wearing crocks to crack this so everybody knows. What a fucking thing. He's in a hotel room, you could see, he's like in a hotel room with his fucking crocks online and a bed. Oh. And then someone tried to blame on his team and I'm like, yeah, how many fucking white guys

are on a team? And if they do, then I can send a picture out that fucking small. Yeah, that's a fucking, I feel bad though because you know, and when you get this technology everybody has a fucking phone in their pocket with email. I mean, I don't care who you are. You know, the Obama has taken a picture of his cock with his blackberry. Absolutely. You know what I mean?

You know, he's done it. We've all fucking... Well, I'm just glad I'm out of that scene and I'm probably, I always think about that that I'm not because I mean fucking ten years ago when we were in Sainte seven years ago, fucking emails, whatever it is in always think about that. I'm not. Because I mean, fucking 10 years ago, we were insane. Seven years ago, fucking emails, whatever it is in that. All that shit would come out. I never took a fucking photo with my face in it. I was always a fucking professional.

Even when technology came out. Yeah. I mean, I never, ever took my face. Ever. But I mean, I got bagged with some fucking shit. I mean, you know, I kept on my shit like a serial killer. You know, I kept every fucking tit pick, pussy pick, or, you know, I used to get the shit on the internet and it was like a fucking, you know, little momentos from...

Yeah, you gotta get rid of that stuff. You gotta dump it. Yeah, we're both out of it now, which is, it's almost a relief though, man. It's almost like you still have the fantasies. You still want to fucking I still do it even today. I was in the shower. You know we're trying to have a baby so we're gonna have sex tonight. But I got that you know I have the shower massage and I put it under my balls and it feels like somebody like tickling my asshole and it's like the Asian massage places I used to go to.

Yeah. And I'm dude fucking immediately just a rod. Right. And I'm like, I'm about to just fucking jerk my kid off into the drain. You know, and it's like, I'll stop. You got to save it for dry. Stop and then go, but that's in my head now. And I'm going to fuck my wife and think about that instead of fucking opening my eyes and making love and you know, that fuck. It's still the the the aftermath is still

I'm still cleaning up. Yeah. I'm still cleaning up after the nookula bomb. Right. Right. Yeah. Building my houses. Yeah. It took like Chernobyl. It took like fucking 12 years before they can move back there. Yeah. You just had a very cement. Yeah. Try to fuck it. Deal with it. Yeah. Well look man, that's the you know, you get to the point where you got to do that shit. It's either you're you're gonna be fucked for life you make a change. I remember when I always when we were those guys when you make fun of the guy that fucking settle down I remember Peacorelli. Yeah great comic friend. He got married years ago and I always go it's Pete how's the

marriage? That's great. Oh come on really because I'm waiting for him to say it sucks and I'm like that. That's usually when he take a sip of a hannock and a puff of a joint. Yeah But one time he goes all right, you know what I know what you want you want me to tell you it sucks It sucks. I fucking hate my wife. I know that's what you want to hear But he did it and then I would but I would talk to guys in bands this guy Rudy Sars We used to play with Aussie white snake choir or whatever guys were married for fucking 35 years to it's same woman You know got married like 23 before he all those big bands and I go dude

How do you do it? And then he goes I just wouldn't do that to my wife? Yeah, he goes it's so it was so simply because I wouldn't want to do that I feel heartbroken if she did it to me So I just wouldn't do that to her well It's when you actually put the chick that you really do like she becomes a really good friend or an important person in your life When that happens, like I wouldn't have a fuck you over. If you were dating a chick and she tried to fuck me, I'd be like, dude, you chick tried to fuck me. You know that guy code, it's like when you actually start treating your chick, like one of your friends or one of your family members and you have,

you just, oh, you wouldn't. You don't want to do that to somebody you give a shit about. Somebody you care about. It's like, you know, I love my wife, dude. I fucking, it makes me sick. It really does. I say that in my act, you know, I love my wife so much, I want to punch her in the face. Because I never wanted to be that guy. But I fucking, I love hanging with her, I love being with her. I just spend time with my wife. If I hit it big and I made 40 million tomorrow, dude,

I'd be gone. I'd be me and my wife and we'd travel the fuck. I could do it. I mean, I don't need to fucking, although as other fantasies of having a hair in my benches in different outfits and fucking lick in each part of my asshole, that's all fucking dead now, you know.

Do you think, because you went through all of that, that's why you're at this point with your wife? Well, I think that, what if you only had like four or five chicks over, you know, 20 years, just say, yeah, you had a girlfriend here, and I wouldn't be fucked up. I don't think I'd be fucked up sexually.

I don't think sex would be a drug for me. If I only had three or four chicks, I think I'd probably be, it wouldn't be an addiction to me. It I only had three or four chicks, I think I'd probably be, it wouldn't be an addiction to me. It wouldn't be an option. It wouldn't be a whole filler. I think I would be better off if I didn't do that. But because I've been banging, I mean, the first sexual experience I had was in first grade. And then, you know, I fucked for the first time at 10. And then, you know, I fucked for the first time at 10. Right. And then, you know, from 10 to 15, I banged a fucking ton of chicks when I was drinking, and then I gave it up for a year and a half, and then once I got my shit together, it's

sobriety. I started fucking the shit out of bitches for years, and then comedy, and it just was fucked up. So, yeah, it's, I think I'd be better off. Right. Yeah, I think because it's not an option to you know say you know uh we're going to food or something like that so what do you think alright say you have a son cut to 12 13 years later yeah what do you tell him what did he do what if he's doing the same shit you did shit I don't know do what if he didn't break that

cycle what if he's you know um the best I mean look you can't control that shit you did. Shit, I don't know, dude. What if you didn't break that cycle? What if he's, you know. Um, the best thing, I mean, look, you can't control that shit. You do the best you can. You try to be the best parent you can. Like, I have two dogs. The first dog, little scattered, because I was a little fucked up. I didn't hide on a dog. I yell and fucking smack him on the newspaper. Right.

And these little skittish. The second dog, I treated it a little better. She's got a cool personality. Right. She's kind of just, you know, does her thing. She doesn't shake when it thunders out, you know what I mean? So, I mean, maybe you have to have two. The first one to kind of fuck up a hunt.

Right. The second one to make right. I hope the first one fucking dies of some mysterious disease, you know? But, no, I think I did. I want a fucking kid. I don't know what's gonna happen. I hope I broke the chains that,

you know, I'm not gonna fucking abuse it. I'm not gonna yell at it. I'm not gonna fucking treat it like a piece of shit. I'm gonna, you know, your kid's gonna be awesome because you're gonna let it do what it wants to do. Right. It's not, you know, it's a different world we live in now. You know what I mean?

It's not. What if he's like, to say he's like, what if he's like in a major porn at like 13 you find and on his computer or something like that like what do you do because you know you went down that road and he's already fucking and all that other stuff like I don't know I say I don't know what I'm gonna do either because what am I gonna say I did that shit not that not that young but I did all that stuff. You're gonna do where'd you get that where'd you get that? Well I I mean, where does a mom look like?

I don't know, man. I mean, yeah, you're gonna have to sit your kid down, but I'm not gonna get mad at him. Like, I got yelled at in the ship, you know, and God's gonna fucking punish you. I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna be like, look, man, you're looking at porn. The shit's gonna take you down a bad road. I fucking been there. I'm gonna lost your mind other than the shit. So, you know, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. You it on a bad road. I fucking been there. I'm gonna lost your mind other the shit.

So, you know, if you're gonna do what you're gonna do, you might not listen to them. I'm your fucking dad. If I catch you in this house doing that, I take your computer away. I'm gonna take the internet away. That's all you pretty much can do is that type of shit, but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna fuck with a self-esteem

or his, you know, who he is. I'm making feel guilty. You're like, all out of shit. Nah, if you're gonna be a fucking dirt ball, what are you gonna do? I mean, go be a dirt ball. I mean, you start fucking with kid self-esteem. If they know they can come back to you

and tell you whatever the fuck they need to tell you, I think that they'll evolve. Absolutely. And to like cool human beings. That's like, like kids in New York City that grew up in Manhattan seem to be cooler than other kids, you know, that outside of the city. Yeah. They just, they, because they have so much shit around them that they're exposed to. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, it's

true. I'd rather do that instead of going, you know what? Because this is what I did. Well, fuck you. You're going to put me in Catholic schools. I'm going to go out and fuck. I'm not going to, you know, I'll do everything against a Catholic. We'll do whatever. And just rebel. The tree says that he goes, the dirtiest girls are doctors and lawyers. The girls that fucking just studied, studied, studied, didn't fuck the nice girl. And then when they hit their thirties, they just fucking take it in the ass and sucking off two guys at the hard rock and fucking Las Vegas. You know, those are the dirtiest girls.

So, yeah, I mean, I think, you know, you can those are the dirtiest girls. So yeah, I mean I think you know You can't fucking control it, but I mean I did we did it all dude. I fucking jerked off so much I fucking porn and bitches. I mean what am I gonna say? What ground do I have to I did that and Right fun dude a lot of that shit was fun. Yeah, it definitely was I had if I look back on my life 98% back of my life 98% was fucking amazing sexual holy shit man that was fun 2% maybe 5% was fucked up oh shit I got warts I got crabs maybe got a chick pregnant right killed the bitch you know what I mean right but most of the shit we did was fucking incredible yeah so what are you gonna say to your kid don't enjoy

yourself as much as I did you know it's true and it's all gonna be out there for our kids anyway so yeah anything we ever said well you know they'll look at I listen to this thing from from 2005 you were talking to Jim Norton on this thing and you were saying this, like, oh, yeah, oh, shit. Dad, you blew a guy for a steak. Well, son, sometimes back then there wasn't that much food. You just say, look at the economy, you know what I mean? We're in a worse recession since fucking, you know, I mean, I was 20 years ago, but.

Wow, it's going to be fucking, dude, That's the one thing that sucks with this the technology now The everything you say and do especially for what we do is comics is it's there It's there for fucking ever back in the day. You did something in a movie. That was the only way shit Got that's the only way if a caught caught on film. It was there forever. Yeah now It's every asshole has a camera everybody asshole as a pre-cord everybody's on a fucking Twitter Technologies getting fucking crazy. We're fucked our kids are fucked the shit that they're gonna have I know It's true is gonna be crazy fucking hologram pussy What?

Be able to jerk off in school to a fucking hologram pussy on your phone right? I mean, dude, imagine it imagine that Imagine if we were in school and we had iPhones, we could go get porn on your iPhone in school. Do you have any times I would fucking just jerk off in school? We had to go get Playboy magazines, have a tree for it, and then bury them in the backyard, and then fucking on the leaves, and a piece of wood, and then when the parents weren't home, go run out there, bring them up in the tree for that's how we that's how

we got to it. Yeah we had to jerk off with paper fucking paper paper. Yeah magazines. Oh yeah yeah like the Jersey pennies, Sears, no or something like that. Playboy. Oh yeah play paper. You fucking think I'm talking about. I thought even that but.

Oh yeah but you know I mean we had to literally use a we jerked off to photos. I still did that up to like six years ago flat images. You really? Yeah I used to bring a penthouse in the row of me still really yeah, I don't know for some I was old school with them Did you have a computer? I did but then it was like you know, I didn't want to bring I didn't have a I had a shitty laptop and I'm like, ah fuck it I'll just bring the magazine and I'm feel like lugging the laptop. I fucking, I have my iPad on my belly. On my belly, on the stand that flex stands, that makes it, so it sits on my belly. So now I'm watching fucking porn on my belly,

jerking off, I don't even see my cock. Nice. Now I've hit the back of the screen a couple times. It's so easy to fucking jerk off now. Yeah, our kids are in trouble, dude. Yeah, yeah, plus they get these fucking Japan is whipping out these robots that are coming out, you know with the 3DR skin or whatever the fuck it is We're just gonna you're gonna have a robot and you can fuck its mouth ass

You're gonna be the fuck it. You're gonna be able to fuck a robot. Oh I I think it's gonna be good because then they're gonna get that aggression out They're gonna get that fucking load out Yeah, and they're gonna be able to concentrate or do whatever. All right. I think it's going to be good because then they're going to get that aggression out, they're going to get that fucking load out. Yeah. And they're going to be able to concentrate or do whatever. Alright, I'm good with that. Let's go have a fucking couple beers. Let's go watch the game. Because to me, it was like I had to get that load out. So I was fucking frustrated. I was angry. Yeah. And I would just go, I got to go fuck something or whatever. That my

mind was just on that and I was it. Yeah. I never got a chance to get it out when I was a kid. So let's fucking blow them out. And then you'll be fine. Yeah I mean that's one way of looking at where it's gonna de-centitize them to where fucking you know you just gonna have to you know it's just gonna be like was that Wally? I mean that fucking that cartoon with a little robot? No. The card is huge cartoon robot and in the future we're also fat and disgusting because there's so much technology that we just have chairs that we float around in We they feed us everything just TVs everything we just float around in chairs Everybody's just a fat fuck and that's all we do is float around in chairs. That's funny. Yeah

All right, I think we're done right. Yeah, I think you got it with the wife and all I gotta go dinner with the wife and Do some other shit. We just got some fucking slam and gifts from the show. We just did I know Yeah, it's called MLB fan cave fan cave. Yeah, we just did We just did a segment on it gave us these fucking Sony something right? Yeah, they gave us Sony bloggy And they give us a cool hat Sony bloggy touches. Yeah, these are fucking really good I'm a tech guy. I know everything about tech right these are actually fucking insane The other you know the it's Sony so Sony goes with Sony so you can have to you know But it holds like four hours worth of shit. This is fucking crazy. Yeah, these are crazy

They give us these cool hats show was cool, too though the The guys are funny. Yeah segment. We did was pretty funny I was a little fucking nervous because you're a fucking stats guy. You know sports like I only know baseball football I don't know anything else. So it's fucking baseball shows. Yeah, I know so I know I'm a MMA so I know I wouldn't I fucking feel so intimidated. I would have no idea Yeah, I was a little intimidated. I thought what I say Carl Ripken. Yeah, but Cal is to the cow. Yeah, fucking asshole You know that you know they're gonna use that to that no, maybe not but I was actually funny I was a rip and back and forth. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you were fucking you were fucking smashing me Funny, you got me a Donald Trump hair

me. It's funny. You got me a Donald Trump hair. Yeah. Yeah. That's gonna air I think this week sometime. What's the website? What is it? Fucking. It's a M.O.B. M.O.B fancave.com. Yeah. M.O.B fancave.com. There'll be a segment up there. Yeah. And all right, man. That's it, dude. So check it out. Check it. This is Robert's got his own podcast and I got mine so we're gonna share this one So good. Do yours I got nothing on that you don't end it like that's all I just say yeah This is what yeah if you want to make a donation go to fucking gym floor and team dot com and I'll send you CDs DVDs Whatever yeah my my podcast you know what dude. That's it If you want to make a donation go to Jim Florentine site What is the list of sites? It's just well Jim Florentine dot com and all the shit's there Jim Florentine site. What is the list of sites? Well

Jim Florentine.com and all the shit's there. Jim Florentine.com listen to the podcast his other podcast and make a donation he'll give you some shit which is actually more than other cocksuckers do usually you make a donation and they put it right in their fucking pocket. Nah you sent him out of CD or a DVD I'm most people don't do that. Most people, we're going to upgrade the podcast. Yeah, no, I'm not upgrading. I got a fucking microphone on the laptop. Yeah. So, uh, so there's no upgrades. Dude, I'm fucking doing it off my iPhone. That's unbelievable. Yeah. I don't think you need all this fucking crazy horse shit. I

think this is it. This is more interesting to me. It is. Just put it down because you want to do it. You never know if you're in a comedy club and something goes down you want to do it bring it with you That's why I went to the laptop. I'm not going to a studio. I'm not building a studio to do I fuck that podcast. I'm just gonna do it here and send it out and people dig them They dig them and we both bought the same microphone exactly the Yeti 200 bucks at Apple 200 dummy 240 fuck. I think I paid too much. I'm not sure either 150 or 200 I make sure cuz it got bring it back and go to fucking be an agent hit those fucking Jews over there and get it for 140. Yeah, maybe yeah, this uh, this is a podcast go to my website robberkellylive.com

At robberkelly on Twitter. What's your Twitter? Yeah, Mr. Jim Florentine on Twitter. Just Laurencey doc. Yeah, Jim Florentine.com and you know, it's it. All right. Cool. Talk to you later. All right, man.