Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Jordan Jensen & Ian Fidance | A Little Gay

Episode Date: April 28, 2024

This week Bobby sits down with Jordan Jensen and Ian Fidance. They talk about good therapists vs bad therapists, how Ian and Jordan started their podcast, and the time Ian first featured for Bobby on the road. FOLLOW JORDAN https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoBkkw66NWY https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/?hl=en FOLLOW IAN https://www.ianfidance.com/ https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-30PenMy1O8 WATCH BEIN' IAN WITH JORDAN https://www.youtube.com/@BeinIanPod Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NHL season, get more excitement out of every Slapshot with FanDuel, North America's number one sportsbook. You can bet on everything from the money line to over-unders to which player will net the first goal. Make your picks and assemble a same-game parlay with FanDuel Sportsbook, home of the SGP. Plus with FanDuel's quick payouts, you can get paid faster than a breakaway. Make every moment more with FanDuel, official partner of the NHL. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario.

Gambling problem, call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. God, the other day Alan goes, he was like, you're always are thinking, and I can always see you up in your head thinking, I never know exactly how you're feeling. And I was like, I don't know what you mean. And he was like, well, how do you feel about seeing me?

How do you feel about coming in here? And I just broke down. I was like, I love you, I miss I remember you had been around when I was a kid and I really liked, and he was like, okay, that's good. And I was like, can I have a hug? And he was like, yes, you can have a hug. You hugged him? Yeah.

That's so, you're not supposed to do that. Yeah, you can hug. No. Oh, yeah. I used to ask my therapist for a hug and they said that that would be a violation because they know that's what I'm seeking. Yeah, that's a fucking emotionally and that's not allowed. And then she started hugging me and then she started to say things like, um, you know, I said,

look, I just want someone that I can share my life with and be, you know, have someone that's proud of me and I'm proud of them. she goes, well honey, I can be that for you. And she would start calling me honey and sweet. So that, maybe he's different, but that broke down a fucking boundary and she started to like really kind of abuse that. Yeah, our guy doesn't do that. Yeah.

Alan's not hugging me and then holding my hand and going, I'm here for you, baby. I know, but I think it starts that way. No, you think a 65 year old man's gonna start fucking sucking my dick. You don't know. What's wrong with you? I do know. True Classic shirts are designed to accentuate your best features no matter what your body type. Tighter in the arms and chest but with the perfect amount of room in your midsection. You can't go wrong in a True Classic. The

best part, True Classic sells their premium products in packs. Get started with a two or three pack of t-shirts today and feel the difference. They're ridiculously comfortable and come in tons of great colors. I'm telling you right now, it's all I wear. I am not kidding you. Every t-shirt I own, I threw them all out. Once I lost the weight and I found True Classics, up here it's nice, it feels good up top, and down here a little room.

Every shirt I own is a True Classic. All my t-shirts, my sweatpants, my sweatsuit, my gym clothes, my underwear, my jeans. I'm wearing them right now. They're stretchy. They have room. You bend down. It's the best most comfortable jean I've ever worn and I mean it. I'll show you. You don't trust me. Hit me up on social media. I'll show you my my drawers. It's all true classic. It's the most comfortable jean,-shirt all of it work out close everything So look if you're ready to upgrade your closet shop now with my exclusive link at true classic comm Dude and save up to 25 percent off your first order. That's true classic comm

Dude to save up to 25 percent off your first order. Support the show and tell them we sent you. No matter how you move, make 2024 your most comfortable year yet with True Classic. Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what dude, live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started social media podcasting.

The facts. YKWD Podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. This podcast is so fun and crazy. It has'm sorry. It's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's what this podcast does. Is there any better show? This is the original. It's me, Robert Kelly. We're back at the Comedy Cellar Studios above the Comedy Cellar and NYC with another episode of, you know what know what dude the longest running East Coast podcast in the world.

And I got great guests today. They're late, but not late because they're usually really late and they're only 10 minutes late. So that's when people are always late. That's pretty much on time, when they're 10 minutes late. That's as close on time as you're gonna get. I was actually shocked when they were here in 10 minutes. Of course, we got Ian, your last name, I say it one way, and then people correct me. I say Ian Finance. It's not Finance. It's Finance.

Fi-dance, or F-dance. Now why have I called you- Patel says F-dance, it's Fi fi dance for for dance now why have I school tell says for dance I always buy dance I go so fine I always said finance or finance did you and now it's yeah but you've always said for dance I because it's I don't want to be you know I think you know when people I don't care, whatever. It's by dance. Ian, I'm Ian. Yeah, Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance.

Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance.

Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance.

Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Fadance. Bleedy pussy tampon now. What did you do with the old one? I rolled it up and put it in the toilet I mean in the no no no no no in the basket. Yeah, we have to clean the basket Why are the life why is it a fuck up your plumbing? Yeah, it's true What what what did you get a frothy Monday? Yeah, you want a what? It's not a frothy Monday Like a creamy Tuesday You got you got a fucking red Wednesday and you're snatched. I mean, listen, I know. Are you pro period sex?

I know what? No, no, I'm not pro. I a pro period sex. You think those two have sex? What are you talking with each other? Joe's married. I know there was a I mean, the other one. The other one's never gonna have sex. I am not pro, why are you pro period sex?

Yeah. She's pro period sex, anti-pornography. Focus your ADHD. Both of you, this is gonna be a hard show. Yeah. This is gonna be a fucking hard show cause your show is just ADHD gone wild. Yeah. Do you wanna hear me me toot and throw sing?

You're going to come back to the basement. What? For the podcast. You've never had me on. I did your podcast live. Yeah, so come to Williamsburg. Yeah, come to the studio. Why Williamsburg?

It's his house. It's my house. It's in my basement. You own a house? He's a coupon guy. Did you know that? You own a house? No. Duplex. I don't know. I'm going to buy a house. It's my house. It's in my basement. You own a house? He's a coupon guy, did you know that? Do you own a house? No, duplex. I don't know. I'm gonna buy a house.

You are? In Nashville. Do me a favor, you get a house, take your bloody tampons and put it in your barrels. Joe, you're, Max, that's you. Max. And do not, listen to me. You're on basket duty.

If Noam finds a bloody tampon in here, don't let him do it. He'll collect it. That little creep. Are you kidding me? He'll make a, he'll make some type of collage. Oh yeah. Jordan, I made you this. Yeah.

He'll spin it at night. I just think of Jordan's bloody slushy bag. Hair. It's not yours, but I wish it was. Well, I just learned a, what are you a vampire? Who says that? It's just blood. Yes, it is just blood. I'm pro period. I'm all about it. I'll help you with

whatever you want. I just do not want to have sex with it. No. It's bleeding. No. I don't want to have sex with anything that's bleeding. And I think that's fair. I think that's fair too. You'll have sex with a bleedy butthole. I've never had sex with a bleedy butthole.

That's not what I hear. You've just made that up. Is that true what I hear. You've just made that up. Is that true? Is that true? Everybody's talking about it. I would have went with you on that. I heard the same thing. Now you two are teaming up on me.

I've never had a bleedy butthole. I had a bleedy butthole. Yeah, because guys don't know how to have anal sex. It dripped out of your vagina into your butthole. No, I have bleeding buttholes all the time because I wipe too hard. How about this? A lot.

How about this? A lot. How about that this podcast will never get monetized unless we make it medical? We said butthole, we did not say. Yeah, we didn't say balloon knot. We just did. Oh, God, no, he said butthole.

Rusty bullet hole, shoot! Oh, sorry. It'd be fun to just go on, fuck, rusty bullet hole, shoot! Oh, sorry. It'd be fun to just go on people's podcasts and demonetize them. Oh, off the jump. I do on ours every single week. Oh, totally. How is your podcast going?

This thing is, you started it out. Yes. Back in the day, you two fucking crazy birds got together. You're crazy, but in a different way. Well, kind of, yeah. You're like crazy in a subtle way. Nice. You're crazy out in the open. You're a wild animal that can't be caught.

I'm wild, happy, and free. Yes, you're wild. Am I new special? It is. Yeah. It is, you get new special where? On YouTube. Do you ever say those words on the pod?

No. I mean on the special. Special. No. Why mean on the special? Why is that bad that he just called it wild? I was just wondering. Because that's what I am. I'm wild, happy, and I'm free. Did you say kill box?

No, I just made it into a kill box. It's the best phrase. Kill box. It's so hard. So Jordan calls her pussy when she's on her period. Yeah. It's a kill box it's so hard to Jordan calls her pussy when she's on her period yeah it's a kill slip on into the kill but dude the other day you talk like that that would turn me on kill bark yeah daddy I talk I don't talk like that I like this yeah Jordan the sounds of silence by, because I'm gonna go to our local place and she assists.

When you have sex, it's quiet? She does this. Quiet. No. No, you don't. I'm quiet. You're quiet? I'm like this.

Why, how big is it? That's more being like, sorry about my body and the way that I look and the things that I'm doing. Yeah, it's never like, yeah. It's never like that. You don't like your body? No, no. Have you met her?

It's really bad. It's a like that. You don't like your body? No. No. Have you met her? It's really bad. It's a great body. What? No, it looks like if you overstuffed Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. What? I got it. Look, I was in an overstuffed, like you're a scarecrow that the kids went nuts on. Yeah.

But instead of... You have a scarecrow body where they ran out of leaves at the top. And they took it all out. So they put in Play-Doh. Yeah. You got a little tight gay body. You got to in my community. It's not your community.

No, I'm not a part of. You're like a daywalker. A daywalker. You're a gay walker. You do you slipping out of both all communities. Yeah. That's a fucking awesome play the middle down the line and every time. What's your favorite? Both sides. Women. Really? Changing. What? At T.J. Mack. We used to have sneak vaping by the way. Uh, T.J. Mack. Will you stop sneak vaping, by the way? We can see and smell it. You're not fucking.

I went three hours without it. Well, can you go an hour? She just went like two on the podcast without it. All right, well take a couple more and then call it a day because you're giving me a fucking headache with your Japanese cigarette. Strawberry. Um, I, you're kind of in the middle now, right?

Aren't you swaying man a little? No, I mean, I, I've been with- I saw your explore page, it's pretty split. Yeah, I haven't been with a man proper. That's actually the first time I ever believed you were really bi, is just now when I saw your explore page. Why? Because it was split.

We thought you were faking it for fucking clicks. You just wanna be popular in Netflix communities. I know, yeah, I just had this half. Look at that guy in the car as we passed him and we asked if he was single, was so hostile. Oh yeah. He was just so. We pulled up next to a guy on a bike

and we were like, hey, are you single? He was like, he was like. Yeah, two guys just after he was single. No, I'm a... When was the last time you were with a guy? You were about to say something very interesting. Well... When was the last time you were with a guy?

Proper. You said proper. I don't know what that is. A guy like I'm a guy or like a guy like I'm... My name's Ryan, but I dress like a woman. Oh, you do cross dressers. He's not a cross dresser. He just is...

He's like some David Bowie. Feminine. Yeah, it's like David Bowie. You're like a woman. Oh you do cross dressers. He's not a cross dresser. He just is. He likes some David Bully. Feminine. Yeah it's like David Bowie. You're like a feminine man. What was that time with a guy like me? Never. Oh. Why are you saying it like that? Once. I don't like your type. Why? What the fuck can I do? I like a feminine. I like femininity in my men. I'm feminine. In my women. I'm feminine. There's nothing feminine about is fucking your feelings what your feelings Yeah, give me a favor wrap that tampon around it let it take it home You know I put it in the back of a phone case at what's the guy one-liners name who looks like this? Samaral no Joe list no not American not American. Oh, it is Lamington. Oh Chris Turner? Carr? The rapper, Jimmy Carr.

Jimmy Carr. He kind of thinks. Why'd you get annoyed at him? Well, I'll say it. Yeah, do it. Because you just called me a man and I much prefer that, but last night I got off stage and he was like,

you are a lesbian, aren't you? And I was like, no, I'm not. And I just said I wasn't a lot on stage and he was like, oh, you are, but you just don't know it yet. And I was like, no, I'm not. And I just said I wasn't a lot on stage. And he was like, oh, you are, but you just don't know it yet. And I was like, no, I'm really not. I hate when people do that. Dude, isn't that annoying? Yeah, it is.

And then Ethan Simmons Patterson came up to me, he was like, don't try it, she's gay. And I was like, I get that this is, and then I turned to him and I went, look who's talking, pinstripe. And he had a tight pinstripe. Good for you. But he didn't acknowledge that bit,

which was interesting. Really? I just don't like that. I like when people are like, you're a man, you're a hillbilly, you're a hick, but you're gay is like, it drives me crazy. No, you like dick. I do. Yeah, you can tell. You know how you feel when people go, you're gay and you're like, this really bothered

me. Now that's how I fucking feel all the time. When I say that. When people are like, you're gay. We should stop expressing our feelings. I thought you said you were feminine. What? This is what. Go ahead, do it. Say, you're gay. Stop expressing our feelings. I thought you said you were feminine. What? This is what.

Go ahead, do it. Say what you want. This is what it is. You're not that feminine. No, no, not at all. But I don't like. You balance each other. I don't like to say something about you. You're very pretty.

I'm not. I stopped wearing makeup. And since I've stopped wearing makeup, people have said that more. You're very pretty. Yes. You got beautiful eyes. You got a very pretty. I'm not I stopped wearing makeup and since I've stopped doing makeup people have said that more you're very pretty Yes, you're pretty. You got beautiful eyes. You got a nice bone You do and and and I like that you don't wear makeup because more women need to see that they're beautiful without Churching themselves up and people look up to you and you're a great Representation of just being as pretty as you are Do you know how many women do so much shit to themselves? Can you get this so I can get a lot of clicks from the fucking, that's left side of the country?

What? Can I finish my compliment before you cut me off? I was about to say something really nice about her. Let's hear it. You have beautiful hair, you have a very voluptuous body. Jesus. You're beautiful, but you just, you gotta stop dressing like David Tell.

I can't. Get me, this is what my friend said the other day, cause Hulu was like, Hulu was like, we're not gonna put your special out because we think you'll have too masculine of a audience. Really? That's so fucked. I can't say that, you got that on recording?

The whole, the entire hour is about me being like I think women shouldn't have to be feminine because I think we're the more Brollic gender that's a whole hour and then to have that response to be like You're just not quite feminine enough was like dude I was like it was like that's a bit you you all you need to do one day and please call me when you do it sundress I Don't know you should see her in it know. You should see her in a dress. The only time I've ever seen her in a dress.

The fuck just happened to you? I went on stage once in a dress when I first started out and it was the worst thing. You were like seven. Listen. Dude, you want to see a picture of her in a dress? Yes. Is it you in a dress? Me tuck back.

Remember you tried on those dresses at shop next to the baby blouse? I went to a wedding recently. I was in a dress. Oh, let me see. I'm telling you just not you don't have to get all girlied up. Just wear a nice little sundress like a country girl. Okay. Not all the time. Where do I buy that? That's the thing. Can I buy you first sundress? Here's me in a dress.

It's the wrong. It's a Japanese. Yeah. It's a Chinese. It's another for you. It's the wrong. It's a Japanese. Yeah. It's a Chinese. It's another for you. It's a Chinese. You're not aware. I look like a hostess at the restaurant.

You got a tour big calves to wear that dress. Yeah, it's a big. I got the muscle popping out. You need a sundress. That looks like a curtain. Oh, here's her in a dress. Oh. Sorry.

That was good. It was his cock. And I'm gonna say this right now. It was was good. It was his cock. And I'm going to say this right now, it was pretty good. Thanks. That was the hand he was holding his. Clutch gripping it. Why do you have pictures of your dick?

You don't have pictures of your dick? No, I do not. Dude, I'm not that guy. You're married. No, it's not even that. It's just I've never been the guy to take pictures of my dick and send them out. That's because camera phones didn't exist

when you were out there. You know what? You had to get it developed. It's not true. When I was banging, we didn't do that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had pictures from Brazil. Really?

I've heard those stories. Yeah, what happened in Brazil? I heard they're fun. Oh, we just had a fun time on the beach, frolicking. Really? I've heard those stories. Yeah, what I heard. They're fun. Oh, we just had a fun time on the beach, frolicking. Really? Yeah. And then we paid women to suck our dicks for $30. 30 bucks is a good deal. American money. Find this picture. When the dollar was the dollar. Yeah. Three to one. Oh, and a secret was a secret. Yeah. You're the main person in my life

that makes me wanna have a kid. That's a good compliment. I tell you what, having a kid is the best thing I ever did. And I was a big, I was like, you piece of shit. Not with guys. I'm not a piece of shit. I don't mean a piece of shit. I don't mean a piece of shit in a bad way.

I mean a piece of shit in a good way. In what way? Like fucking, having fun, banging. That doesn't make me a piece of shit. In my, listen, I'm from from Boston when you're a piece of shit It's a good thing. I'm not from Boston. I am so I'm not changing for you. All right Well, you better explain it then I did otherwise I'm from Philly and I could take it the wrong fucking way Don't act like you're from Philly, Delaware

Big difference yeah, what difference is I don't know how to spell any of the words you're saying I'm saying to you piece of shit in a goo like, you know You know, yeah, I like the bang you like to have fun. My bachelor Yes, I when I was a bachelor had a lot of fun and a lot of fun I did a lot of things but then there's a certain age Where's like am I gonna do this forever? That's and and her and I've talked about this where I'm kind of right now where I've stopped having sex. I'm still hooking up, but I'm like telling them we're not gonna have sex

We can fool around and make out and jerk each other off. But aside from that not having sex unless there's a connection Frivolous transactional sex. I no longer like it. Right. But I do like, come on, what's that face? My face. I had the same face, but I hid it. What? Because it's still frivolous. To be like, no. Do you do that?

Do you come like a monster? Yeah. Do you come like Cookie Monster? Yeah. Cookie! Yeah. Like, like, well, no, there is it. There is a time where it's like, all right, sex is a blast.

Had a great time. But now it's, you know, I know not to get. Yeah, he'll get there soon. You will get there. I'll tell you, I had a gal in Chicago this past weekend. She came back. We did not have sex. We laid in bed. I had a gal in Chicago this past weekend. She came back. We did not have sex. We Laid in bed. I put my head on her lap and she pet my head and we just talked for a couple hours And then I walked her car kiss her goodbye. And that was it. That's gayer than sucking a dick That's what I'm into now. I'm not into that one. Is that I'm not into like you're gonna realize that you want it to be one person

Do you want a kid? No, really? No you you do I want a grandkid. I got blown a load blown. How you gonna do that? Made me want to get blown what I got a load blown up there. Yeah. Oh and I was like Can I ask a question about that? Did you have a vagina? I have one When you just got your period so you're not pregnant I'll take some the podcast lives for another day. Oh, you just got your period, so you're not pregnant. Healthy, yeah. I'll take some. The podcast lives for another day.

Oh, if she gets pregnant, it's done. No, no, we got a third mic. Yeah, we got a dog bed. Uh-huh, what? So a guy has an orgasm in you, right? Yes. Oh, sorry, sorry, we're talking to her. Sorry.

E, E, E, E. Now. He he he he he he he he. Now I have a question for you after this question. When a guy, when a guy comes inside of you, we just keep you remind you to answer your question. How do you just trickles out? Do you do you feel it? Can you know when a guy comes?

No, it's like, yes, like this. It's like it's like this. It's like, oh, and then I go like, oh, you don you feel it? Can you know when a guy comes? No, it's like yes like this. It's like It's like this. It's like oh and then I go like oh, you don't feel it You can't feel you can feel it when it's a full some of them feel it feel it But not the haves ease now does it feel disgusting have a load in you have Z's when you're like, oh, I think that might have been Right, but what it's a full one. He's like, yeah, that's why it's good. Oh, yeah. You feel you feel connected. Where does it go in your ass?

Hey, not you. I'm not talking to you. Your question is next. Let me get to you. It hits your cervix. And then where does it go? It ekes out the day. Drip. You don't do it out at one stop. I can't. I'm too tight like a little baby.

So when you now when it happens to you and your question now. Well, it squeaks out like an eye drop or throw the glasses on the ground. It's condensate sound like osmosis. That's how tight you have to keep going in and fixing it, like letting it come out. Or do you just like I often if somebody really does blow load inside me keep put the I can see it. It's right there It's a yeast infection pretty much immediately really yeah, if they blow load yeah, it's a petri dish No, but you got a pee right afterwards to clear it out That's the UTI, but the yeah if you get so when a guy comes you get sick right away in me

Yeah, but I don't like them coming me I'm a pullout body's not normal. Why? Everybody gets the yeast infection. I'm just a hippie. So I'm like something is wrong with my Your vibe. Yeah now when a guy comes it you had a guy coming you know, no girl. You know what girl You'd have a guy come in your butt You've never never even a guy. Mm your butt? Mm-mm. You've never? Never. Even a good one? Mm-mm.

Has a guy ever said, I want to? And you were like, no, no, no? Why not? Seems like nothing bad happens. Because the cleanup would be just terrible. I've only had a woman cum in me. I've had cum in my butt. What are you talking?

Oh. You know, our friend of fire dance? Oh. That's cute. So you had a woman. Woman. Oh, so you had a man woman, a woman. Uh huh. Coming. Yes. And what was that woman come like? Well, they're on a lot of meds, so it's just very little clear.

Yeah, it's like it's like it's like if if I made you cry into my asshole, it would just be a little drop. If I saw your asshole, I would cry, so that's possible. It just smells like a hospital. We figured it out. Yeah, terrible. Yeah, have you ever been in a hospice ward? Your asshole smells like death.

So when she did that, did she ask, or did you say OK? It's so grainy, anal lobe. What do you mean, grainy? Grainy. Every time I've done anal lobe, there's like a grainy sensation. Hey, look at me. What?

You're ADHD. Focus. You don't want to see me back on Adderall. Grainy? Grainy, every time I've done anal, there's like a grainy sensation. Hey, look at me. What? You're ADHD, focus. Sorry. You don't want to see me back on Adderall, that was way worse. Don't do that again. Yeah, and you're mean. Listen to me, I like when she's on Adderall.

No you don't, don't, don't. When the girl did it, did you say yes or did she just do it? We communicated that. How do you communicate that? You make a wish and they fulfill it. Come in my ass. Did you say that? No, I don't do that. All right, don a wish and they fulfill it. Come in my ass. Did you say that? No, I don't do that.

All right. Don't. I don't go come in my ass. You have a lot of, you have weird boundaries. I go, I go. Blow a load in me, Sheila. I go, I go, come on brother, give it to me. You turn into fucking Macho Man?

Oh yeah, the cream rises to the top of my ass. No, I'm serious. Did she say I want to do this and you like, go ahead? Yeah. Do you say it like that? I came in her before, you know? Yeah. In her butt.

Yeah. Okay. Don't point at me. You didn't come in my butt. No, you guys. I've had come in my butt. I'm a girl, but we did talk about it and it was hot. I did like it.

But after the fact, have you done butt? No. Have you put your penis in butt? Yes. Look at him. Yeah Yes, guys gotta take what he can get it's not as good as a vagina here No better. The passion is better because it's taboo You're like I shouldn't do that. You do and a couple minutes in you like and the lead-up is hot because you have to take Your time you have to communicate you have to work on your breathing, you have to coach them.

I'm not taking it, I'm talking about doing it. Oh, I don't know what that's... No, no, no, when you give it to someone in the ass, you have to coach them through it. That's part of it. It's hot. You encourage them. Your daddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're proud of them. This is good for you. You're saying that. Well, I like it'm proud of girls aggressive

Really girls like you fucking do that in my butt. I've had that in my book my fucking I had a girl that was I told you that that girl was like are you gonna come in me? Are you a fucking pussy and I was like, oh, I'm not a pussy She's like if you're a man, you'll get like that. I was like, stop, this is too much. I don't know what to say. Like I know when the dirty talk is being asked of me when they're like, do you like that? And I'm like, yes, I do. I don't know what to say back. I think I like it here.

I'm that way. A Max's lacrosse game. I don't know what to yell out. I was like, do the best you got. That's what she said. That's like do the best it's not about winning your son's name. Max! Max! You're gonna earn that pizza! We're all just living! You should try some of those next time. That is good, yeah. I love it. Next time you have a sex go, Max! Yeah. Dude, I don't know what to say. I don't know if I'm supposed to say their name or that that's good depends on their name what do you say if they talk to you just respond yeah don't just go like what's he saying like there people are usually like do you like that and I go yes you should be

sarcastic you know I don't like it no like a dad at dinner when he eats his whole food and they go, did you like that? He goes, no, I wish I could take it back. Yeah, be that be that guy. You know, no, I don't like Yeah, when you work as a bussar and you take away their plates and that was awful Well, then you're really fun. I'm gonna kill myself No, you do go it was fine It was fine. It's fine. They don't compliment you during sex and tell you how pretty you are. The person I'm seeing? No. The people I date? You have a boyfriend?

I see somebody. Yeah. You're right in front of me. Yeah, really. I'm trying to sneak a puff. You looked at him and went, yeah, out of the side of your mouth. Yeah, I have an on and off again thing for a while. Yeah. Is it good? Yeah. The sex or the relationship, the relationship. It's getting better. Really? Yeah. What what are you what are you doing? What are you doing that for? A lot of a lot of help from Alan.

Oh, Alan is the best. You see Alan? No. Why do you say it like that? Because I have a fatwa against Alan. What a fatwa. So many people have a fatwa against Alan what a fatwa so many people have a fatwa against why? Because they don't have him what no get they don't want help. Yeah, no One person should not know Everyone's business. You know all working intimately. It's so helpful Everyone says that because you don't have to explain

what an acronym for JFL is, you know? It's like... That's not it. It's because he gets the full spectrum of comedy and all the stuff and he... Yeah, but you're more than comedy. So stuff that happened to me or things or like comparing and despairing and all that.

He wants to be a comic and he loves having the power of every comic. He does not want to be a comic. It's like me being like, I'm worried that if everything good in my life, if everything's going well in my life, that I'm not going to have anything to write about. Right. And he'll be like, if you're not in fear and terror, your writing will be better. Because he knows, yeah, he knows how to say it. He knows about it. Any therapist would tell you that. No, I don't trust them. I've been with therapists and they say that no I don't know therapists and they don't understand they don't understand the art of comedy they don't understand writing

those in the road managers fuck club owners that's fucking jerk-off now you just say jerk-off shit no that's not just some profound okay now you know in this same thing as your eyes to To then say, well, they understand comedy. That means you're relegating yourself to only being a comic. Therapy for me is so much more than just comedy. No, no, you're making that up. I'm saying he knows that part that other therapists don't know.

He knows all the spectrum. What a job it is. No, comedy world and knowing the stuff that we go through as stand-ups, it'd be like somebody knowing what, if they saw a lot of singers or the people in the business of that, or in the entertainment world, knowing entertainment, lawyers, fucking teachers, that's a different fucking ball game. Yes, he knows all the stuff about family wife kids Depression all that shit about life, but then he has a little niche a little niche from expertise of

20-something 30-something years of dealing with our business knowing how Managers can be knowing that hey man stick up for yourself You don't need a manager and if he's not you know, that type of shit that another therapist, you'd be like, well, just fire him. Like, wait a minute, dude. What's what you got? You know, he knows those little things. He is so good that you like, then how come ever.

And I know that goes to him is still fucked up. He's not, I'm getting way better. Do you getting better is a micro, it's in micro... I understand, I understand. It takes forever. I just think it's, and if he's helping people, I never want to get in the way of anyone getting help. Sounds like you want to. I just think...

I'm going to leave him now because I'm dumping him right now. Come and see my guy. I get a discount. Who's your guy? My guy works on a scale. I think having one person that knows everyone's business is odd. That's paranoia. What do you think he's gonna do? What do you think he's gonna tell me? I still don't trust someone that knows everyone's business.

That's yours. Sure. I never said I didn't have issues. I understand and that's why I choose not to go to him. And when I do bring up other comics, he doesn't say anything. You think I haven't tried to find out what Dan says? No. I'm not kidding. See, I don't want to go to someone that knows what someone else says that's involved in

my life personally. I don't. I need a completely out of touch, unbiased opinion. And you know, and if they don't understand they go fire them then that's then then that's up to me to go well here's why I can't and then we talk about that well if somebody you know like that's just the example let me give you an example somebody goes through I'm going through something and he know he's been through this with another person another

comedian same type of situation and he saw it from the beginning. Like what, could you give an example? Say it be something with getting a show and maybe getting a show, writing a show, getting to the point, being all through this process and then going the other side and now it's not working, blah, blah, blah. He's seen the thing that maybe a regular person,

what is that, what is a pilot, what is a show? They don't understand the level. He knows that from all this information he's pulled in, from working with this genre, he can be like, listen man, some of these things work out, some of the times they don't, but you're gonna be okay. You need to go down this path now. You need to start going, like there's been times

where he's like, Bobby, this club, these people find another way. There's other ways, not saying, hey, I know this other guy that went and did this and found another way. It's like, go find, and it's like, okay, I didn't even think of that. Like maybe a regular guy who doesn't know

that there's two clubs in, there's other places in Cleveland you can work. My thing is, isn't that a conversation to have with a friend that's a comic to go to them about and not your therapist? No! Would the therapist be about, for me, for me, therapy, it took so many years to do all these

different layers and peel back and figure this out. And I could be well served to, you know, um, go back and deal with X, Y, and Z of my past and that and everything. But for me, therapy stand up is a, is a thing that I do as a means to make a living and something I love to do. But I'm going to my friends for like, hey, this club, this, that, the other, I'm going to my therapist for why do I love my anger? Why do I love this feeling? I'm going to say this to you. You're not wrong,

but neither are we. I'm not saying that. And I've never said that you guys are wrong. I am saying you have a fatwa against him. I, because you said that's not, that's what you said you used the word fatwa Yes, so don't say yeah, you didn't say it. You actually said it in the worst way these because you can see right through me Said fatwa yeah It's not like comedies main thing he also isn't like well house comedy going that never happened I have I have massive trust issues about my that business being out there and to know that one person has everyone's business makes me go like ugh.

He also doesn't like that. That's also like he gets pushed by people to write a book about comedy and stuff like that. Never. It's not like a thing that he's like. Yeah, that's the one thing that he's not into. But listen, I understand what you're saying. Dude, it bothered me for a minute when I would walk out,

I'd come in and some dude, some open mic, I'd be like, hey Bobby, like, ugh. Or when I would be in there, dude, there was times when I was in there, and I knew who was coming in next, and I'd be like, dude, I understand that, I get it. But I don't give a fuck anymore because I'm there to deal with shit.

I'm there to deal with these issues. And I'll tell you what, you can't go to friends with everything. I need one person that's neutral. So I can go in and go, I did this. I can't tell this one, I can't tell that one, I can't tell my wife, I can't. Because even though you're my best friend,

and I love you, and we have a bond, bond if I tell you this it will fucking affect us Because you won't you you might tell somebody you mean that's you can't tell a comic everything you may ask for advice I need to go to somebody where I could say this just happened this weekend And I'm fucked up about it, and he it's there I've never had a therapist I've had therapists my whole life and he's the first one who you can be like, please help me What do I do? You know what I mean? Like the rest of them are just like, what do you think you should do? I hate that I should take my own life. I've yelled at him I'd be like just fucking tell me and Alan is like don't fuck I got and he yells at me

Yeah, he'll yell back and be like you need to fucking do this and met know and I'm like, don't fuck that. And he yells at me. He'll yell back and be like, you need to fucking do this and man. And I'm like, all right, relax. You're gonna look crazy. I just, for me, but look, we're both right. I understand what you're saying too. You go to somebody that you can manipulate and figure out. We go to somebody that doesn't let us manipulate. God, the other day Alan goes, he was like,

your head, you always are thinking, and I can always see you up in your head thinking, I never know exactly how you're feeling, and I was like, I don't know what you mean, and he was like, well, how do you feel about seeing me? How do you feel about coming in here? And I just broke down, and I was like, I love you, and I remember you had been around when I was a kid,

and I really liked, and he was like, okay, that's good, and I was like, can I have a hug? And he was like, yes, you can have a hug. You hugged him? Yeah. That's so, you're not supposed to do that. Yeah, you can hug. No! Oh, why? I used to ask you can have a hug. You hugged him? Yeah. That's so, you're not supposed to do that. Yeah, you can hug. No. Why?

I used to ask my therapist for a hug and they said that that would be a violation because they know that's what I'm seeking. Yeah, that's a fucking. Emotionally, and that's not allowed. And then she started hugging me. And then she started to say things like, I said, look, I just want someone

that I can share my life with and be, you know, have someone that's proud of me and I'm proud of them. And she goes, well, honey, I can be that for you. And she would start calling me honey and sweet. So that maybe he's different, but that broke down a boundary. And she started to like really kind of abuse that. Yeah, our guy doesn't do that. Yeah. Alan's not hugging me and then holding my hand and going, I'm here for you, baby.

I know, but I think it starts that way. No, you think a 65 year old man's gonna stop fucking sucking my dick? You don't know. What's wrong with you? I do know. She also had me to her house and her house was a mess and I didn't realize she was a hoarder.

And then she had a maintenance man there. You're putting this shit on Alan. She had a maintenance man there and I go, so can we wait till he's gone? She goes, oh he doesn't care, go ahead. And I go, well I do. And she goes, well then we can't do this session. Yeah, this is not Alan. This is this fucking crazy bitch. No, that was Gloria years ago and I moved on and got a new one and she fucking saved me. Jackie shout out Wicker psychiatry. Do you ever make Alan cry? Yeah I mean not yeah yeah you

know what happened I made him cry and he said you remind me of a patient in a that I had a long time ago that was in a mental Mental institution. No, that was a war veteran. Coming up there. That had been a war veteran and he had forgotten the feeling of touch and the nurse came in and touched him and he started weeping. And I was like, I remind you of that? And he's like, yes. And it was that my childhood was so bad that he was like, you don't even know what kindness

is anymore. And I was like, so I remind you of a guy in a gurney who was strapped down for years because he was a war veteran. You remind me of the guy in the metallic. Metallic, I was just going to say one. Yeah. Darkness imprisoning me. Absolute horror in the guff arm.

Such idiots. Raised with cats. Smacked my mom. Crushed my dad. Sister was mean to me. But you had a fucked up childhood and he helped you through that. Yeah, I mean. He does all the childhood shit.

Listen, dude, we make breakthroughs every, I don't know, dude, we make, here's the thing, with the kid now, right, so, you know, one of the craziest things that he ever said to me, because I was complaining about that, he He goes you don't get a dad You are the dad be the dad Mmm, and I was like, oh shit

Yeah, and I was like, yeah, I gotta stop bitching about yeah I never had a dad and he goes you're never gonna have you don't get it. You're not getting it You're not getting a good upbringing. It's over for you. He goes, your responsibility now is to be as healthy as you can. So this kid is going to have two parents that love him and all you have to do is love him. And I was like, fuck.

Because I'm like, I gotta do this, I gotta make sure he's not this, I gotta make sure. He's like, you just gotta love him. Yeah, he's all about the love. He's all about just... My favorite quote is by Claudia Black, the founder of Adult Children's Alcoholics, and it's never too late to have a happy childhood. Yeah.

Why are you holding that cigarette? Makes me feel smarter. I mean, I can't f*** with that answer. Show on it. I thought he was gonna say something else. I thought he was going to say something else. I think that's, it's never. It's all about perspective. And also you can be your own father.

What's that? You can be your own father. You can learn how to parent yourself, you know? Here's the thing too. You can learn how to parent that kid that was abandoned when you were a kid. I'm unhinging. You know what I'm saying?

A lot of stuff was hooked up wrong. My upbringing, they were connecting shit. Sorry. I mean, what the fuck? Keep that big mouth shut. Oh, my God. Yeah. Fucking horse spit at me. You look like the clown on the 18th hole of Putt-Putt. Whoo! I'm going to get a free game! Come on, hop on, hop on over. Damn. So you canceled on me last week. Yeah, I did.

Two weeks ago. No, no, look at him. No, no, no, look at me. Oh, I know what it was. I know what it was, too. You lied. I'm gonna give you an opportunity right now. I had a music, I went to a music show. I want to give you an opportunity to now. I went to a music show.

I wanna give you an opportunity to come up with a way better excuse. It was La Melda. I went for a birthday of somebody that I love. I want you to come up with a better excuse. I had an abortion. You really gonna give a shit for the abortion? From a black man.

He was black. No, that's that's called a blessing. Jesus Christ. Sorry, sorry. All right. That's a good I like that one. I want it's a lie. You don't know that's a lie. Come up with one more. Ian held me down.

I held her down. He held me down. I had one that you come here. He said, I don't want you to do a podcast unless I'm on it. Really? And what were you doing? I said, OK, I promise I'll ask if you can come next week. Yeah.

Well, what? Yeah. I'll talk to her. OK. So then I said, is it OK if we reschedule? Because he couldn't do it last week because he was busy having butt sex with me. With you?

Yeah, my butt. And your butt? Yeah. He had butt sex with you? Yeah. With a knife? Yeah. She said it's the only way she can make cum.

Yeah. All right, okay. All right, I like that one. I like that one better than the abortion. All right, let's do one more. Why did you cancel? I? Had to do Dan Soder's podcast Is that the truth I've never done his podcast use on the couch with so what's it called?

Because you said I want to know what Dan's thinking I just said that because you said I want to know what Dan's thinking That should be a great excuse no I I did it because I made this big stink about what the guy I'm saying I was like I took off that night I'm going to go to the show to be a Partner and not a comedian and then I forgot that I had the books the podcast and I was like, you know what Jordan? Bobby will understand and I rescheduled that's important to be a person to go out and do person things understand and I rescheduled. That's important to be a person to go out and do person things. Yeah it's important. You just held the knife up and threatened her. You held her down last week.

You think that really happened? Yes. No. You held her down. No it's a joke. Shut the fuck up. It's a joke. You had butt sex with her via knife. Yeah. What? It's called a southern wedding. I want to go with that one. I like that one the best. That was good. And you mustered up tears too, probably from opening up with Alan. Yeah. True Classic shirts are designed to accentuate your best features, no matter what your body type.

Tighter in the arms and chest, but with the perfect amount of room in your midsection. You can't go wrong in a True Classic. The best part, True Classic sells their premium products in packs. Get started with a two or three pack of t-shirts today and feel the difference. They're ridiculously comfortable and come in tons of great colors. I'm telling you right now, it's all I wear. I am not kidding you. Every t-shirt I own, I threw them all out. Once I lost the weight and I found true classics, up here it's nice. It feels good up top and down here a little room. Every shirt I own is a true classic. All my t-shirts, my sweatpants, my sweatsuit, my gym clothes, my underwear, my jeans. I'm wearing them right now. They're stretchy. They have room. You bend down. It's

the best, most comfortable jean I've ever worn. And I mean it. I'll show you. You don't trust me. Hit me up on social media. I'll show you my, my draws. It's all true classic. It's the most comfortable jean t-shirt, all of it, work out close everything. So look, if you're ready to upgrade your closet shop now with my exclusive link at true classic.com slash dude, and save up to 25% off your first order. That's true classic.com slash dude to save up to 25% off your first order Support the show and tell them we sent you no matter how you move make 2024 your most comfortable year yet with true classic. Do you want to act?

Yeah, I mean I would you guys have you written anything together We acted in that pilot and you hated it. You did a pilot? Well, it's because you were annoying me, but I like, and I hated the part. What pilot? What pilot? For Matt Pavich.

It's like a web series, I think. We had to play two mental patients. You did a great job. And was it fun acting with Ian, your partner? We had fun, I had fun. Can I ask her a question? Will you stop threatening her? Ian really runs with the script,

and I had a little director. I love improvising. You had what in you? There was a little director control. Because you were trying to say your lines, but we- No, I wanted other people to speak, and Ian would be like, well, he would improvise. No, they told me to improvise,

and she was in the other room, and she said all she heard was me improvising and people laughing, and she said said that's not in the script. Some of it was funny. Did it intimidate you that he just goes off the hook like what Robin Williams? No, it made me be like you have to let other people have a, we have to get the take. Do one where you improvise and one where you don't. Where everyone I bet. And what did the director and everyone else say?

We love you. What did they say behind his back? Exactly. Exactly. I would love to act with her. Why don't you guys... I mean, your podcast is killing it. Thank you. And now, when did you realize you hit something?

Because you were doing it. You guys were very funny, comics. We've only been doing it less than two years. Two years, but you were doing it and it was good, it was fine, but then it hit something. Something happened, what happened? When did you realize, like, oh, this is, people are digging this?

Was there a moment where you were like, dude, fucking people are into our podcast? No, it was slow. Yeah, we still think at the live shows, no one's gonna show up. Yeah. And then they sell out, we're like, are you sure? I do that with my regular shows. Oh, yeah. People show up then they sell out, we're like are you sure?

I do that with my regular shows. Oh yeah. People show up and they're like, are they here? Is someone else coming? Is it still doing good or did it? The podcast? Level out. It's great.

It is? She doesn't know anything. Why don't you know about your podcast? Do you know how many Patreon subscribers we have? Do you know how many views our episodes get? How many? 20,000? 10,000?

What the fuck? How many? Are you the guy 10,000? What the fuck? Are you the guy? You're the guy. What do you mean am I the guy? Are you the guy that does most of the work behind the scenes as far as no one, the Patreon stuff, and she's the one,

hey, what's up, I'm here. Yeah, but that is totally fine. I'm not saying it's not. I'm saying that usually with how it works. One person will take the reins. Not everybody can type a script. One person to, one person's gonna write it, and the other person will give them feedback, and you do it, so you're the writer of it.

You're the typer. I don't wanna say that. Well, you just did. He does the business stuff. You do the business stuff. Yeah, you're the guy. And you just show up. Yeah.

She doesn't wanna show up. All right, relax. I'm not saying it as a negative, you fucking did. Sorry, I shouldn't have called you that. We have a producer too. Yeah, we have a producer. You got a producer, right. Yeah. But it didn't taper off, it's doing good.

Yeah. Wow. You don't know that your podcast is doing good? How would I know? There's actually called analytics. There's numbers. Do we have them? Yes.

You have them. Well, let me see them. I've tried to show you. You don't want to look. My own, for my own, the punch up. Let me see them. I've tried to show you. My own for my own the punch-up guy was like do you want to see your analytics and I was like no. How great is punch-up? It's great. I think we're all gonna get. I sold out my first weekend ahead of time because of punch-up. I've never sold out ahead of time it's always when I get to the venue I'm like what are the numbers

and they're like no you will by the time the show's over, it'll sell out, you know, and I'm like, ah, and then a sellout weekend ahead of time was like such a weight lifted off my shoulders. She just sold out Portland, added a show. I don't understand why more people don't understand how insane this is. You're going to YouTube, you're going to Instagram,

you're posting all this shit for them to get advertisers, for them to get views, and then all you have to do is go to PunchUp.live and then you know where they are, send them emails, it's your fans, because Twitter, what is it, 30%? I don't know. The numbers are like nuts on how many people, they just did The Rocks.

It was so nuts how many fake people were on The Rocks' account. The Rocks. The Rock so nuts how many fake people were on the Rocks account. The Rocks? The Rock, Dwayne Johnson. Oh, yes. Were on his account? Yeah, like he did, it was like 30% was real. Oh, they did like an audit.

Yeah, like he was not, it was kind of weird, like how many fake people, just not real people following him. You look at his thing, you're like, wow, he's got, a lot of those people are fake. Wow. Yeah, it's crazy There's a weird thing going on now with some accounts. It's bots within a bot

So you'll look at someone's thing and it's like we did it's like 15,000 likes 700 comments 1200 shares or whatever and the comments are People being like this is great I love this this is awesome and then you go on their profile and it's so clear that they're a bot but it's that the avatar pictures like a guy in his family and then he's got pages of content that he's supposed to make it look like he's a real person but then you go and look at the actual content and it's bought

content and then all the comments content and it's bot content. And then all the comments on that are Indian accounts that are like, Bobby's nice. And then like just emojis. In my mind, yeah. Well, it's funny. It's very strange. They rock some comics.

Also, I just wanna go back. She does more than just show up, okay? You're talking to my guy all wrong. What do I do? It's not what I said. You're getting insecure. You're right to my guy all wrong. What do I do? That's not what I said. You're getting insecure. You're right, sorry. If you saw Alan, she understood me.

Because she sees Alan. She doesn't even know where she is. I, yeah, I don't know how to do the, but he's been doing that since the beginning because it was B and Ian. Yeah. So then he had the Patreon, he had everything and then it was with Jordan. How'd you add her to it?

Because she was my second guest and the episode was so fun. I was like, fuck this. I want to do it with you. Please do this with me because we were going to do a podcast during the pandemic and just nothing happened. And I was like, dude, I don't want to do this alone. It'd be the most fun to do this like every week. It's very fun. So then she joined and it's been, you know, what it is ever since.

It's been great. Right. And you guys, but how was you guys tour together? No, we have independent touring careers. The Sunday, the Sunday after Hilarity's LivePod. Oh yeah. When is that? I forget, but I'll tell you. Okay. I mean, it must be nuts to have to deal with you guys. Oh, it's funny. Because you're like, I don't know where it is.

I don't either. Yeah. Who's, do you have a manager? We make it work. Yeah, I have a manager. You have a manager? She's a manager. I'm particularly, I get like nauseous.

Like when somebody is like, can you look up when the, I'll be like, I'll get like dizzy and be like, I don't know, I can't. I've just accepted it. It's crazy. And I've made peace with it. So we're going to LA. We're both thinking about it. I'm like, I'll get like dizzy and be like, I don't know, I can't. I've just accepted it and I've made peace with it. So we're going to LA.

We're both headlining the improv for the festival separately and then we have a live podcast at the Comedy Store. So I said, look, give me your, let me know when you're in town and when you're leading. I'll schedule our podcast. I'll schedule this. I'll pick you up.

Buh-buh-bye. And I don't mind. We've realized the best thing that I can do is not. Show up. Well, not try and. Just show up. Metal. Metal.

If I'm just like, whatever. I do it. Yeah. And she trusts me enough to have me do it. And I. 10 AM. That's the only time they have. I don't metal. But. 10 AM. No, That's the only time they have. I don't matter.

But, no it's been cool. And also we've restructured the way that we communicate. And I'm like so happy about this. We do voice notes for like business stuff, texting for friendship, and then a group chat with a producer for the podcast. We do voice chats for friendship also. Yes, yes.

But hearing how you talk and everything is so important because I have a thing about me where like I'll put stink on it even if you don't mean stink. Yeah. Don't do it. Like if you text me with a period I'll call you and be like what the fuck's happening? Yeah. What the fuck and she hates phone calls. So she'll text me something totally innocuous in her head and in my head I'm like what the fuck do you mean?

And then I try to call she doesn't pick up and I'm like everything is horrible you know I'll say something back and she'll take it the right like phone call so like dude voice notes have been a blessing I like fall awesome call me that's all I like I love phone calls hey what's up man yeah tone you get home you can't text tone. Yeah. Somebody texts you, it's like what the fuck did you just say to me? Bro, yeah. And it's like no dude I wanted to if we couldn't do it today if we could do it tomorrow if that be cool. Yeah. But I read I can't do it today I gotta do it tomorrow. Cool. Yeah. I yelled at Ari one day. He actually. Oh, look at the little. He texted. The Asperger's is peaking. Listen to them giggle.

It was about, he texted me a video when I fell, talking about this on Rogan, I'm out. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm showing this video on Rogue and I'm out. I'm off the phone, so fuck you. And I called him, I go, what the fuck are you saying to me? He goes, no dude, I was gonna show that I'm already cool with that, right? It's not bad, right? You're cool. I was like, what do you mean you're out? What the, he was like, what?

No, he goes, I'm out, I'm out and about. Like, you know, he meant it totally different. And I was like, fucking finish your sentences. So yeah, I'm an asshole. I get like that too. That's good that you came I'm an asshole. I get that too. Yeah. That's good that you came up with fucking Morse codes so you guys can still be friends. Text messages are French, right?

Voice memos are for love. I need it. And also it was like, if I'm not told, hey, this is how I feel and what I want, I'll just be like, everything is meant to boot boot. Like I need direct communication in order to understand you. And you're the opposite. You'll take a text.

I love a text. You love a text? She loves not responding. I just, the phone overwhelms me. I get really overwhelmed by things I have to do and then I kind of just, I dissociate and then I start looking at my puppy and then we go outside and I leave the phone

and next thing I know it's time for shows and then I look at my phone and I get overwhelmed by the amount of things I'm. I'm fucking stressed out just hearing her right now. Yeah, oh yeah. Jesus Christ, do you have a puppy I can pat right now? Yeah. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

She's so cute. But that is the thing, I do get really freaked out and also there is a thing with Ian that when we're on the phone It goes like this. It's like hey, I love you. They always here's this great thing that happened Hey, by the way, do you think that you could do X Y & Z and I don't know how to be like No business now click, you know what I mean? Like I don't so now we have a way of doing that where it's and my thing is once I get her on the phone

It's like yeah rare occurrence filibuster time to get everything in one phone call. You know? Oh, he can be a lot. You got a lot of energy. He doesn't like being alone. You do, dude. I've known you for a long time. And you get on. Badadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadad Gotten better you have gotten a lot better. You're a lot more mellow. Thank you. He has fruit in his fridge He bought a lot of groceries shopping never happens

Why I've really started to realize that the stage is a place for me to get all of my crazy energy out and then I've been getting told a lot like wow you're very different in your person. You're very mild mannered I'm like you get it all on that stage. Yeah, do you remember the first time I took you on the road? Oh, yeah, and you yelled at me. Yeah. Why? Because I cried. Did you? Why'd I yell at you? What was it, why'd I yell at you?

You yelled at me for being too graphic on stage. Well, we did a show in front of, it was, Is it the tree board? Children? No, it was a show, but it was all like married couples and cops and like middle-aged women. And I was like, okay, he's going on.

You get fucked in your ass. Dude, if you don't take a dick in your ass, you're a dude. That's not any of my jokes. That's not anything I said. It's close. I said it's fucking close. I said, if you don't eat ass, No, you said, if you don't suck dick, you said if you don't suck dick you're a dude no I never like dude to some like you know alpha cop who's

with his wife oh yeah and he's like yeah dude fucking you're gay you're a fucking clear the guy's like I'll fucking murder this guy yeah I was like what are you doing you're not ahead I gotta go up this. You fucking I got an hour to do. Yeah. Oh, you were featuring. Yeah. Oh, I was trying so hard to like impress Bobby by like crushing and like, yeah, I'm in the. You can. Can I be honest? We were in the hotel room beforehand and you were like, there's nobody with attitude anymore. Like, where are the guys that wear leather jackets?

And I was like, I'll show you. And so I turned it on and I wanted an attaboy from you so bad. So bad. I want you got a bad boy. Good work, man. And I go, Hey, and you just looked and walked by me and I was like, Oh no. And then it was afterwards. I was like, Hey man, I'm not going to call you a dude. I never said that. I said, if you don't suck dick, you're gay or something like that. I suck dick. I suck. You got to suck dick. No, dude.

It was. I remember the guy who the manager was like, what's happening? I was like, really? Oh, and then I had the balls to be like You know I come to love to go back at headline I Think you said that I that annoyed me too. Yeah, I was like you did mediocre. Yeah, you didn't fucking it You know like the placement No, they were scared one person came up to me and said uh

You're you, you're really different, but you did your thing. Yeah, it was a weird. That's the worst. It was like that. Yeah, no, I could feel people hate fucking me with their eyes open. Oh my God, dude. And I'm like, I gotta go do it now.

All's you want from a guy you bring on the road, just do jokes. Dude, this is like 2017. I like, we're still trying. But you did bring the wrong, I mean. What? Let her finish. I mean, if you want somebody clean,

who's gonna do jokes. I didn't know what he was. I just knew he was a sweet boy. I knew it was Starvos I took on the road. Sweet boy. He was Starvos' friend. I was like, oh, sweet boy. And he had the, that's when you look like Larry

from the Three Stooges. Yeah, the curly hair stooges. Yeah. The curly hair. Yeah. He wasn't this edgy fucking New York biker kid. Yeah. He wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't one of those fucking disco kids from the eighties from New York.

This one, he was just like, Hey, I'm Ian. Yay. I didn't know that lived inside of him. Yeah. So when I brought this is at the time, like I just started talking about this stuff on stage like a year prior. So everything was still new and I was like trying to figure it out. I Didn't know he was bisexual

Either I had the first time I open firm was the same thing I open for him and then I watched his set and was like what he's by and he was like, yes, that's right Yeah, I didn't even buy it. He goes, drop me off here. I go, it's a pool hall. It's 12, bro. He goes, I'm good. I'm like, what are you doing? He goes, I'm gonna get some dick, some shit.

I was like, okay. I know you knew him as like a guy who dated Katie Hannigan, right? Like you were like, yeah, that's what I thought too. I was like, this guy is like dates women. Yeah, I thought it was, I, and I guess it's my fault cause I missed read you and then you were less presenting them yeah you you were more alternative

nerd guy yeah I was more make people think one thing I remember seeing your leg tattoos and being like what he had on, I didn't even see that shit. I remember seeing the leg tattoos and being like, oh, I don't know. Dude, he wore khakis in a polo the night I took him out. Oh, you got catfish, dude. Yeah, I got catfish. You got catfish by your local hair.

I was still trying to navigate who I was. Probably all cute to him and you're like, I'm so happy to be here. And then you get up there and you're like, oh, it's so good. Fuckin' lit my ass. What? Yeah.

Some off duty officer with his wife. The fuck's this guy saying? Is this against the constitution? I would like that too. People would always be like, she's a woman. She'll be a great opener. I'm a man. And then I show up and I'd be like,

my pussy has a clitoris. I wish I had a, I wish my clitoris was on the dick so I'd pull on it. I remember that. I remember opening for people and being like, one time I saw my dad come and being like, I shouldn't be here. Well dude, he's out of the venue. He's like, you're just saying the grossest stuff say it in a different way instead of saying I said say it And have it to be funny. Yeah. Yeah, you can't just yell at somebody go you gave you don't like dick I was you know, and I was like have a Funny don't call it a butthole call it a bum bum. So they like just make it

You know, I mean add up change the words and it will be. Yeah, so then I had to go suck my way into happiness in a pool hall because of that. Aw. Aw. That's okay. I'm sorry. You're so sweet.

I'm so sorry. I borrowed my friend's car to do the gig. Driving back, I was just like, oh no, you beefed it. You beefed it. Is it beef or biffed? It can be either. I don't think it matters. Beefed it, biffed it.

You ruined the moment. With a fucking grammar correction. Sorry, I just told Alex Heumann today that it was biffed it. No, it's beefed it. I think it's you biffed it. I beefed it. Boys, autism? Yeah, nerds.

Yeah, autism assemble. I think it's beefed. One thing we talked about before, which I think it's beefed. Boys, autism? Yeah, nerds? Yeah, autism assemble. I think it's beefed. The one thing we talked about before, which I think is disgusting, you guys are definitely, like if you look at the, like everybody has their own little thing they're into, right? Like comic, like Samorail, Joe List, Mark Norman. You can put them in the same, you know what I mean? Me, Norton, Keith, Voss, Mark Norman, you can put them in the same. You know what I mean? Me, Norton, Keith Voss, this thing.

You guys. Are in your own little thing together like you guys are the same. This weird, yeah, exactly, is like a. Unpredictable. No, there's somebody else in it. TJ Miller, TJ Miller, yes. Right. Yeah, very similar. You guys are in that realm. Finally, I was thinking of TJ and I TJ Miller, yes. Right? Yeah, very similar.

You guys are in that realm of fairness. I finally, I was thinking of TJ and I was like, you are also in the camp. Yeah. I like that. I think so, you're right. I mean, he had a head injury. Had a head injury, yeah.

You guys are just that way. Yeah. But no, yeah, TJ's hilarious. I mean, dude, so funny. You don't know what he's gonna say. You don't know where he's gonna do it and makes me laugh. He's so, the other day the mic cord fell out, so he pretended that the cord was out the whole time,

so he did that, and crushed. In silence, just being like. He's a special. Yeah. But either into me or not. Robin Williams. Yeah. Yeah, Robin Williams.

That's the patriarch. To you Williams. Yeah. Yeah, Robin Williams. That's the patriarch. To you guys. Yeah. You feel that way. Totally, without a doubt. He's one of my favorites all the time. Yeah, that's fine. Really?

100%. No way. He's amazing. Stole people's stuff. That's fine. I mean, it's not fine that he stole it, but him as a thing was good. No, Robin Williams was unique,

but what happens when you're that way, you do absorb shit. Yeah, you absorb shit because you could hear something over the guy do this and that, and all of a sudden you're making it up, and all of a sudden you think you came up with it, you didn't, and some guys are like, dude, that's my fucking joke,

and you just saw me do a week ago. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I saw somebody do that the other day, manically take a joke of somebody's, and I had to be like, you're not. You joke checked him? Oh yeah, I was like, that's a full. Oh wow as miss bit. It was an as miss bit Oh, yeah, I someone told me that I as miss did not steal it. It was as missus bits Someone someone told me that I reminded them of a angry Robin Williams on for loco

I've gotten a Lewis black, which is nice, but I'm like, that's just when I'm really Lewis Black is great. You Lewis Black? When I get really angry about something on stage. Yeah. I didn't, I've never seen you angry. Someone called me come Kinnison. You've never seen that.

That's great. Sam Kinnison and Ace Richard. How funny is that? Kinison was taken in the butt. Nuh-uh. Dude, Richard Pryor's son fucked Sam in the ass. No. 100%.

What? Richard Pryor's son was on a podcast, and you tell one truth- He said it for fucking clout. Why would you say that about a dead guy for clout? How what clout is that gonna give you wait is it his son? That's trying to be a comic. No, it's the other one Okay, who's gay and who fucked around with George? What's in that no?

Paul Mooney back He was on a podcast and he was like they had to tell one truth and one lie. You had to guess what the lie was. And they, whatever the truth was, they were like, oh, that's the lie. He's like, no, the other one was the truth. No, they were like, that's the truth. They're like, no, that's the lie.

They were like, you fucked Sam? He's like, yep. You know, it's on YouTube. He talks about it. Sam got fucked. Yeah, he wanted to get fucked. All the greats do. Yeah, but he got fucked by prior blood. I mean. I mean, if he wanted to get fucked all the greats do yeah they got fucked by prior blood I mean I mean if you ain't get fucked you

know by the best yeah it's pretty didn't prior bro blow Marlon Brando yep nice yeah that's great yeah good yeah I mean not good for his legacy but yeah why not well to you fuck you a little realm. That's fucking great Don't you to me David by I take it back. I don't want Fucking Richard Pryor sucking Marlon. Brindle's dick. That's punk rock. That's cool I saw no Richard Pryor Richard Pryor son Richard Pryor son right there. Listen listen to it Yeah, put your headphones on this dude needs Alby's Lawson sad. Okay, put your headphones on this dude needs help. He's lost and sad. Okay, put your headphones on in focus Me and Sam were cool Sam was like a person that kind of like took care of me under his wings

But he was only a drug addict that gave me drugs and all that kind of stuff and alcohol So it wasn't a it wasn't a good relationship in that aspect. But it was a, I needed that at the time for someone who likes, I'm gonna take care of you, because you're kinda out here on your own, I wanna be there for you, and he was that person. Did you guys click or speak about religion because he has a, he used to be a pastor.

Yeah, he did. Well we actually do. We have to watch the whole, could you cue it up to the part where he found some? I mean, you're the worst producer in the world. I mean, you're the worst. Figure it out. You're autistic, you have the fucking,

The super power. Danny, you suck suck and Passover. He doesn't know where it is. Yeah, but he's got two autistic kids right there. This that's like a superhero. You wait. He's got two. Who else is here? Those two Danny usually here too.

Oh, brav. Yeah, they're the tizzy three. Oh, my God. Those three. I mean, yeah, I know. But but they they're like Voltron. Whoa. Max can switch the cameras good. With our powers combined, we can scare any woman.

Joe does good videos and photos, and Danny does good internet searches. Did you find it? And what does Max do? I'm just rolling through it. All right, goodbye, Max. I hate you, Max. Max?

Yeah, Max. His name is Max. His Max. Not his Max? His name is Max. Not his Max. My Max is awesome. I'm going to actually get my Max to beat the shit out of that Max. So maybe he'll do it better. And you say stuff like this and he just giggles. He's a troll. Let me see him.

He produced my old podcast, Sex in the City. Do you remember that, Max? Yeah, it was a good time. You're so lucky you got rid of him. That's a good name. It is a great name. What happened to it? We just ended up not doing it anymore. It's that guy.

Yeah. Yeah. That's him. No, it wasn't him. It's his friend. Me and my eight. Where did that Fonz guy go that was working for Column Tyrell? You ever meet that kid?

The Fonz guy? What Fonz guy? His name was Fonz. He was a great little producer. He could replace these little nerds. Nah, I can't replace them. I like them. You do? Yeah, they like little. I feel like I'm the the king and I have little hobbits. Oh, that's nice. You know what I mean? That will go to war with me. I mean, they're probably gonna get killed, but they'll feel they'll do. They'll take the

bullet. Yeah, they'll do it for me. They'll like jump in front of a poison arrow for me. Max's precious, it's a Nuva Ring. Yeah, exactly. Well listen, Ian, you got a brand new special. Yes. Is Wild, Happy and Free. Yeah. AKA, you're gay if you don't like it in the ass. Yeah, pretty much.

It's brand new, it's out there on YouTube, it's killing it. Thank you. And it just came out this week. Yeah, and I have a gift for you. I've got these out. I'm excited, I love gifts. And the opening is awesome.

Oh, thanks. Amazing. Here, this is a... Oh, that's great. I fucking love it. And Jordan's in it, she's a God Mike, she opened it, introduced me, it was amazing. And you got a special out, a 30 minute special,

where is that? I have a 30 minute with gas, and then I put out a 20 minute death chunk. What's that? It's just all about, it's 20 minutes all about death, my dad dying, suicide, death, death. So is this what we're doing now? Yep.

My tone might be off with that, the way it is. It was a bit off. I checked it though. Thank you. I'm working on my tone. I have an hour that's coming, like a big hour. No, I'm just saying, is this what we're doing now? Like are we just putting, is this what,

hey I got a chunk, I wanna throw it out, put it up there because when I came up, you worked a couple years and tried to get an hour and then you perfect that hour and you really make it a holy fuck you hour. And then hopefully somebody would be like, we'll do Comedy Central, you do your, and then you present it and it's this big thing.

But now it seems like- Hope is gone, hopefully it's gone. I have, for me it was, I have this hour and I'm perfecting it and Ari Shafir was like, do not record that yet, wait. And I've been perfecting it and perfecting it, but there's been this 20 minute chunk attached to it. It's all about my dad's death and death.

So you have to take that out? So I took that out, yeah, because this is all- So're going to replace it or you're going to put that back in? No, no, no. So then I put that on the internet and made it almost like a... I had my friend produce it and it's almost like a skateboard. It's really cool. You should see it. Yeah, it's cool. And that's just that. That is... I've been working on for years done. Right. And then the other hour, that's what I'm touring with and perfecting to get a full hour.

Because I'm thinking of actually doing 30 minutes of clean material. Yeah, that would be great. Whoa! That would be great. Call it Mr. Clean because you look like him. I got it. You got to call it Mr. Clean. You have to call it Mr. Clean. No, no, no, parentheses, because I look like him. Yeah. Oh no, it's going to be another night at the pool hall for you. All right, listen, we have questions and stuff like that. We're gonna do for Patreon. But first, where are you gonna be? Where can people find you?

Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. Go there. All you do is put your email in and you're in. Whenever she's near you, just go to her Punchup.live page, which you're already in, and it will show you. I love that it shows when it says, she's nearby. Comes to the top.

So it tells you when she's near your zip code. And you'll see all her stuff up there. Is that where your specials are up there? Death Chunk, they're all on YouTube. There's a bunch of clips on Punch Up. Throw them over there, get them over there. Yeah. Well, I'm doing that.

Go ahead. Death Chunk is on. Is it? It's on both. It's on both. There, I'm doing that. Go ahead. Deathchunk is on. Is it? It's on both. It's on both. There you go. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen.

Jordan Jensen. And I'm on Punchup.live slash Ian Fydance. And for my special Wild, Happy and Free on the Be an Ian E YouTube page. It is on Be an Ian, yeah. Yeah. I love that you can just get gay makes me so happy Yeah, my mom was yeah, I love it. You go from real macho. That's fucking the the uh-huh. Hey, yeah

contain multitudes you have any middle ground no but I I The for the special I use it for I filmed two shows And I use almost exclusively the first show, and the second show was like off the rails and insane, so I'm gonna put that on Punch Up Live. That's good. Yeah.

That's why I love it, there's an alternative to putting shit out there, where people can go see uncensored. And it's free. It's free. All you have to do is just put your email in. That's it, and then we can send you when we're doing stuff near you. I love it.

All right, so there you go. I'm going to be all over the place. Ian, you're going to be in Los. I mean, you want to do some dates? I hate Max so much. Yeah, West Hollywood at the Comedy Store, me and Jordan are doing a live being Ian with Jordan. We got Andrew Santino, Annie Letterman.

Going to be really fun. Fucking two good guests. Oh, yeah, it's going to be great. It's going Gonna be really fun. Fucking two good guests. Oh yeah, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be really fun. And then I'm doing our Rooster Teeth Feathers in June. Why? They don't have a green room. Fort Collins. They don't have a fucking green room? Comedy Fort. How does a club not have a green room in a thousand years?

Rumors, Comedy Club. Tulsa, Looney Bin. I found a mop closet. A what? Look up closet. Also Pittsburgh Improv. I hang out Tulsa loony bin. I found a mop closet a what look up closet also Pittsburgh improv probably felt comfortable in there I did Denver Comedy Works I'm going to Denver to punch doing Winnipeg Rovers alive slash e-bottom yeah that's where Voss they tried to cancel Voss oh really mm-hmm Wow oh up at um cancel Kansla? Yeah.

Oh, for his native jokes? Yeah. Well, there was, he got Native American people kicked out and he was like, why don't you go home and put your ear to the ground and see us on a picture. I mean, it's so funny because I wasn't racist and then you read the things and you're like, well, that's funny. I don't know, but it's definitely racist. You don't put the ear to the ground. That's so put the ear to the ground. That's so funny, ear to the ground is great. And of course, Boston, I was just,

this is coming out after, so whatever, go to my website, I'm in Sarasota, I'm in Atlanta, we're doing a live Bone to Pick podcast, me, Paul Verzi, and Big Head Mike, we're doing the live podcast, we're doing live Bones, we're doing Stand Up There, Red Clay Comedy Festival. I'm going with the bonfire to LA, the week of the Netflix Festival.

We'll be doing live bonfires out in, what? What are you doing? Nothing. You're doing stuff. I thought. We were supposed to do that and then something happened and we're not doing it anymore. You're at Netflix Festival.

Oh, that's what it was. You've canceled on them. Oh, I thought they had canceled Red Clay. No're at Netflix Festival. Oh, that's what it was. You've canceled on them. Oh, I thought you had canceled Red Clay. No, you canceled them. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's on you. So, it's nay on interrupting my fucking date say. Ari say.

Huh? He said sorry. I'm gay. Just go to my website, Robert Kelly on PunchUp, and go to ComicWearables.com, use code word, dude, on the ladybugs, get all you YKWD gear up there. You know what Ladybugs is, right? Uh-uh. My fans are-

Rodney Dangerfield movie. No, my fans on my Patreon, I call them Ladybugs. Why? Because there was a senator. Good luck. Who was with a male prostitute, and he was testifying against the senator, and he goes, he had a bushel of genital warts near his asshole, and I he said to me goes those are my ladybugs. No. Yeah

So I call my fans ladybugs Make sure you code ladybugs to get all 20% off everything. I will go to patreon right now I want to thank you guys so much guys. What do you got? Max Marcus comedy all social media fast Danny breath is celebrating Passover's follow him Oh Danny breath and then for all things Joe Russell who she's show on YouTube she's showing YouTube check out it You ever see his cheese show. No, it's really yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I say boo replace that with B with another letter Make sure you check all those guys out very fucking funny Danny's gonna be going to be with me in Boston. I don't know if that's, if you're watching live, uh, you guys need each other. I mean, you really do. I got the Jake.

Two. I said, go. We both said, go with this, we were both like goo. Goo? All right, we're going to Patreon right now. We got your questions, we're asking them on Patreon right now, so go there. And you guys are the best fans in the world. Thank you so much, you two, for showing up.

Thank you. And on time. And we're going to Patreon right now, so we'll see you guys over there. If you wanna go there, patreon.com slash Robbie Kelly, and you will watch the show live, you get an extra episode, So we'll see you guys over there. If you want to go there, patreon.com slash Robert Kelly, and you will watch the show live. You get an extra episode and your questions. Everything's over there.

So we'll see you next week on, you know what, dude? You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.