Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Joy Is The Currency Of Gay

Episode Date: March 4, 2013

Robert is joined by WWE's Josh Mathews and comedians Kurt Metzger, Dan Soder, Will Sylvince and Kelly Fastuca. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Ma mal, a Madrid.

in all your devices. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. What dude? So check it out, this podcast thing is a hobby side thing for shits and giggles. What I really do is tell jokes and I'm fucking funny. So make sure you come see me live, mother fuckers. Next show I'm doing is in Austin, Texas at South by Southwest model fuck off. I was there last year, this year we're doing doing it right the nasty show. I'm hosting it It's gonna be awesome fucking nasty show love it. Iisha Tyler big J. Ocasin Mark Norman

Matt Brunger, okay? It's gonna be awesome. It's Tuesday March 12 two shows eight and ten bietches Esther Esther Foley Hall. Foley's hall, whatever the fuck that is. 525 East Sixth Street. So make sure you check it out. I'm gonna be putting flyers up on my Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff. And go to laugh button for more information.

So this week, we got this big show at South by Southwest. Also, guess what, Boston, Boston, Wilbert Deanna. Wilbert Deanna, March 15th, your fucking clock, soccer's. Wilbert Deanna, I'm gonna be there. So I got one show on the 15th. Get your tickets, go buy them. On my website, on my Facebook, Twitter. They're all over the fuck.

Wilbotheater.com, take a master. Get the fuck on it. Buy your tickets, buy one for your friend, get one for your chick, take your mother. Bring your sister. Bring the chick, you fucking deadlin'. Who gives a shit? Get a hooker for the night.

Calm down, let's pack this place out. One show, I want to fill this motherfucker. So let's have a good time. Let's make this shit happen. We'll be 300 March 15th. And then there's a bunch of other shit. I'm gonna be all over the place. Robert Kelly live.com.

For all my dates, for all my fucking dates, you cock, fucking suckers. And that's it. And if you want to email me, ykwd at ryecast.com. And go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do I'm in some hotel in Connecticut doing this intro for the fucking Monday show. Joy is the currency of gay. Josh Matthews, Kurt Matzger, Dan Soda comes back. Will Sovins, Blackstall, Blackstall.

And Kelly Fistugher and myself got together. Real interesting show. It was hard to host this one, man. You know, people drunk and high and fucking yappin' and it was trying to fucking steer their ship was difficult to keep everybody on track and not yapping over each other. You know, trying to get a hold of that, you know?

I think less people, I think four people's enough. And maybe I'll give a little speech before the show. But this was a good one. I liked it. It was hard to steer when all over the place. We covered a lot of ground at one point known, popped in from the comedy seller, which I always love when that happens. So enjoy this one. Enjoy the currency again, YKW did. Thanks for spreading the word. Make sure you go to iTunes and subscribe, leave a review, tell a friend, get people hooked on this fucking show.

Stop fucking around. Just leave the review. It's a little quick thing. If you listen to this podcast more than twice and you haven't left a review. Fuck you. Really. Fuck you. You're a bad person. Honestly, it's a little thing. God damn it. Go leave a review, tell a friend.

You have any questions? Please, YKWD, any comments at riotcast.com, critiques good ones not just fucking you suck please email us ykwd at riotcast.com we love getting your comments we read them all we might not get back to you all but we read them all so make sure you do that and support our sponsors amazon.com right on right on our page, that's it, just click on the links on the YKWD page on Rydecast.com, use Amazon for all your fucking shit that you're gonna get off the internet and make sure you click on our link to do it.

You get money to us, gamefly.com. And now we have Tweet.io, given 33% off of headphones, which is awesome because I fucking love headphones. I have every possible pair of headphones I'm gonna be doing reviews coming up to just FYI Tech talks I got I got a whole new tech talk coming out video audio. It's gonna be awesome. So make sure you stay tuned for that We got a great headphones that I'm gonna review, Danelle, headphones, Bluetooth, two versions.

We got all kinds of shit I'm gonna do. So there you go, just listen to the show, support us, review us, tell a friend, suck a dick, love ya. Dude! Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton, this is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things.

This is Bert Kreiser. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? You know what, dude? Ify bippy, bbya, ify bippy, bup. Dippy, dippy, dhyah, yabba, dhyah, badaa, badoo. Dude!

This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know, what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know, you know what, you know what, you know what, what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you the top of Bailey J looks good. The bottom looks fucking fantastic too. Dude, I just... She doesn't get a lady. She's a visible vane in that dick that I could... You know, I was like, maybe I could take the dick part. Like the vane in it's too much.

Yeah, it's a guy. He's a... She's dick. The vane in the dick. What do you say? You're a vane. You're a fucking fucks you up. I mean, I'm trying to even my head around that it's that I can't get past the dick, but then it really all right. It's got you got to take this

dick. There's no. Okay. But you don't want to be vascular of a dick. Why the black die? Where's that? Yeah, of course. Hey, well, Josh, well, so Vince, these are all comics you guys know you know Josh from WWE Smackdown yeah, yeah you guys Yeah, all right wrestling fair if you're a fucking wrestling fan you know God damn it I'm going and trying to go to a wrestle many of this year I will keep waiting for the I know if I'm wrestling

Because you say before the podcast yeah first of all the podcast is happening Wait, what's the wrestling thing? Here's the thing I want to get out here. First of all, there's a lot of motherfuckers on the show. It's the Wu Tang podcast. Can you please use your headphones to not yap over people? Will. It's the same amount that's why you put it on the show. Why? Because you're broken. It's the most yapping over people. I know.

Am I? Thanks, man. I thought you could. Can you please interpret that for us, Dan? I think what my Haitian friend is saying. You're laughing over people. When he said, I think what Will was saying is, you're talking in flicks with other people. I'll be interpreting Will all. Dude, you were dumb as Jay said the other night. We were doing his podcast.

He goes, he said this whole long thing goes, Listen, I don't want to capsize, he goes just to capsize my own point right now. I go, what did you just say? He does that to boats. Yeah, he capsized his own point. I'm going to capsize it right now He only he does that to boats yeah, he capsize to own point. Yeah, I'm gonna capsize it right now All right, here we go. We got the show. Welcome to the you know what dude podcast episode fucking Yeah, you know long it's been since you've done it a proper intro Well, I was doing one of the interrupted it. Why don't you fucking stop with your alcoholism?

Well, I mean now you're just cutting deep. I am We got a bunch of people on the show tonight This is by Dennis by the way. This is I got one more city than I'm stupid I'm fucking in trouble people stop asking him about his mediocre career. Did not tell you cut people off? He does you're right. I was wrong and when what my friend just said is that didn't I tell you that he cuts people off. Yeah, shut up you and shut your face and Kurt, you shut your fucking face. Got it. We got Josh. I have to use this on the show. I'm very excited to have you on from WWE. I was really excited to be here until I sat down. Hi guys. I was looking at his phone while he said that.

You are too fast. He knows better wrestling. Robert, thank you for having me here this evening. It's a pleasure to be here. Can we not just attack the equivalent of knowing That's what you're doing. You're messing with fun. Well, I knew Ronjo, who gives you shit. Yeah. I actually don't even miss a reign. I know for this one. Listen, we got, of course, you can hear Kurt. Kurt, fucking, are you fucking with me Facebook? That's good.

It's the best. We got Will, so Vince. Yeah. I know my friend just said it. I know a lot of people a lot of people want who We got people in your circle in my circle. Oh, well, so it's I don't think in your circle This is gonna be a fucking tough one I can curse on fire

Two beers. Yeah, it's all took I'm gonna lick a little attitude. I had two beers. Yeah, it's all took. I'm drinking. But you just fucking smoked a tree of weed. I smoked it in the whole way. I know I'm trying to quit smoking, so I try to make up for it with weed,

but it's not a good thing. Are you gonna look up at the ceiling as you talk? You're talking me out. Like you're deep. It's talking like an autistic piano player. Yeah, it makes me, it does. It makes me feel like a piano player. He really is.

Do you want me to play Beethoven or Mozart? It's better that yourads come over your eyes. So you got to look beyond it. You're going to be beautiful butterflies one day. Listen to me, both of you. Well, we got Kelly Fistiga. Hi, mate. Fact Kelly.

Delicious. You like her? Yeah, black guys love me. Oh my god. But she listens to my way to my eyes. Why do you think Kelly is so fat? This is a question. You're ass. She's not fat.

Kelly doesn't look fat at all. She's not. Listen, you don't know. She used to be a fatty. And she got something wrong with her asshole. And she lost a lot of weight. Because she couldn't eat because if she ate too much, she shit.

And it hurt the shit. So she lost a lot of weight. Oh, I've been there so now. Now, uh, she lost, I'm fucking talking shut the fuck up everybody Sepha jog I've been a perfect guest you've been a great guest. Did you have surgery? No, I just took like tea is for it to go away She did she did the Australian way that's exactly what I was gonna say that's there that's their insurance Just right if I just right you believe Nancy is so just white it out That's their insurance. Yeah, just what? You find this white? You bleed into your soul? Just white it out.

Yeah, actually, it'll come back to normal. Should you chew it on some type of leaf? I should, and you can just stuck it in our ass all every Wednesday. How much did you weigh? Four bills. I got my kilos. I was like 40,

you don't go back to Pennsylvania? What? You don't go back kilos. First of all, not in America and not the dumb, not the him. He doesn't know. I don't go back to yeah, what you don't go my kilos first of all not in America and not the dumb You not the him he doesn't like 180 what are we was Three full jugs of water What a queen I want a quilo. I say quilo.

God damn it. How much do you weigh? I think I have a weight around 180. You are 180? Yes, I am. Jesus Christ. Now I am like 180. I will eat you right now. Jesus Christ.

Let me eat. I will eat it. I am afraid. I said black guys love, but I'm so afraid of them. Wow. Well, it will is a hungry hungry He has an eaten fucking meat the long time Will's in tremendous shape. Oh my god. Oh, fuck him Fuck will in his ab some I think he's in his 50 time. Will's in tremendous shape. Oh my God. Oh, fuck him. Yeah. Fuck Will in his abs. I think he's in his 50s, too, when he's in the...

He's got his 10s, oh man, on fire bearded. Can we say? You just say, you just say, Whoa, I got it. No, why not? All right, shut up. Listen, I'll show you in Michelle Fife or from dangerous minds.

Can you show us your abs? It's a dangerous... Can we see your abs? It's not that, show us your apps? Can we see your apps? It's not that, there's not that. Can we just see them? Yeah, there it is. There's my new face. There's my newbie in Prince. Tell me you wouldn't buy that guy.

I wouldn't. He's not, he's all trouble. I want to drive the fat one who, you know know the food actually makes him just want to stay there He's gonna want to run and run and just He just want to sleep to hang out with you Jesus Christ I am jealous of Will Smith's league. I'll be flat out on him so Well here's the thing Josh we um

Beautiful Josh we went to the Patrice on Neil you're familiar with Patrice on him Sure absolutely All right well we um we had a benefit for Patrice a couple weeks ago. We could have a go. Unbelievable event sold out some of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet. I mean, all of us were funny.

Will was on it, Patrice's friend, and then he read a poem. At the end of his, he killed it. Well, not been killed it. So I probably had a shirt off. So he had a poem, oh no, he should have. have it would have made it better at least we could have laughed like He read this poem. What was the name of the poem? Called black star. Okay, can you have it on you? Yeah, okay now I've been dying

Because I know Patrice I know Patrice would I know your your hearts in the right place I know you're trying but I know Patrice would I know your your hearts in the right place I know you're trying but I know if Patrice was alive Literally fucking grab the microphone out of your hand and slap your face and go black star this motherfucker Beat it you dumb Haitian he would be so mad at you I know if someone took a photo Patrice so Niels mom's face in the crowd at the point where fucking He went the first line was his black star black star I guarantee one of our eyebrows I guarantee if one not one both eyebrows well this motherfucker I would like I would like for you now Josh I don't know if you're

into poetry do you like poetry I love it I can't wait to hear this. Okay. I would like for you to read Blackstab Blackstab. But the only thing is I do like poems, but I don't like anyone making r sound in a poem I'm just excited to see if there's an I amic pentameter in the poem now. Let's hear the poem Where is the band-aid on your fucking mic already, we knew you were gonna have a good time. Oh, there we go. Ready for you. Come back.

I missed you old friend. You got a pre bandana? I got a pre bandana bandana. I love that he's been around comedy central people so he's trying to get smarter with his comedy. That's what it is. That's what it is. All right, so for the first time since the benefit,

we are now going to hear the famous poem, Blackstar. Blackstar. As written by Will Sivin, will you please, will you please, intro, he's gonna intro. Welcome to an WKWD poetry. Welcome to another WKWD poetry reading. By one, Will Sivinvence entitled Blackstar Blackstar. William, how can you be so black? Yeah, be so white Blackstar.

Wait, wait, go on. I'm sorry. I'm right. All right, sorry guys. Even when you're wrong, wait, go back, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, yeah, back, back, back. From the beginning. From the very top? No, yeah, no, not you, him. I want to hear every word, please.

Let's try to make it through it. How can you be so black? You'll be so bright, black star. Even when you, even when you're wrong, you answer the right, black star. So bright, you're light, and you're shining, black star. Charlize Sheen, or who's winning shining black star Charlie she know who's winning black star Dump did you yeah did you just

Just name drop in your home. He was he most I know what he did All right, but then he used Charlie sheen's catchphrase Women I was just... Women. I said, I said, I... Who knows the correct? No, you did it. No, you nailed. No, you said winning correctly. As a translator, I'll tell you. You nailed.

Okay, go ahead, sorry. I believe Charlotte was trying to say, Raining. Go ahead. We were like brothers from another mother, Black Star. Told me things like I had another father, Black Star. Black Star, Black Star. I wonder where you are black star black star no longer Wishing a star black star. How come you know long?

I'm gonna come back. Why so many black stars there? Why did you did you run out of you? But Jesus presence is very very He's very he has a big presence I'm fat in the poem. No You're 15 black stars. stars your fatness on anybody else I would all right take it from black I would have been 15 black stars If it was my probably black star black star black star black star black star black star Black star black star black star black star you were hungry black star

You were hungry Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Star Black Go ahead You're in the middle of the fifth black star Wait, you actually read this in front of people? Fucking a sold out theater Who are I like that he did this? I do too How come you don't come around black star? How did he try to say it down? He got a stroke This is crazy I mean Kurt

Why don't you come around? Alright, go ahead Now go on Go do it Go go go go Now, go on. Go do it, do it. Come on, well, go, go, go, go. Read the sentence. Please. Go ahead, do it.

Well, do it. Say the last part. William, well, you cannot leave us right now. You got to do it for. You know, let me tell you something. If you wrote this about Keith, you know, Patrice should make you do it. You'd make you do it.

Read the poem of the fire. I know Keith has written some poems for people. If I ever look at how terrible a sunset is, it upsets me. It's called, it's called your bothering me by Keith Robinson. And then I got bother. You're bothering me by looking at me. JFK I'm part, you're too far. I like knew it.

Your bothering me. Who are you, who are you in person? Keith. Keith. Oh, yeah, I don't do it as good as that. You should say the name before you say it. What world? We were doing Keith. Yeah, but you do me off. I thought you were doing somebody else. Like who? I don't know. It didn't sound like he they were so off. I don't do a great Keith, but it was pretty honest. I like it How do we try to shut you down black star start out as a flicker light black star now your light is shining bright black star Instead of highway with many black star you paid your own way without any black star No one noticed your light till it went black black star sad, but now you shine forever black star

All right now you got me a That was good. I wish you open with the end The end should have just been the poem. I like the end should Should be a high-cute. Let's just let's let's read Did you like it John was fantastic? Oh really? It's all just the just after the 30th black star up until the end You had why don't we read the poem from the middle one blacks two black stars and then to the end can we do that? I let's remix every remix. That Bobby Kelly remix.

Yeah. Yeah. Air horn. Yeah. All right, let's go. Black star, black star. How come you don't come around? Black star.

How do we do that? I lose that one because that does freak me out. Because I immediately go and not even to Joe. I'm like, he's not here because he's passed away. Well, I was talking in the past that line about, he don't come out to the cello no more. And he don't come out to clubs. Yeah, that's five people know that, that he retired every six months. No, no, no, no, this one. He did. He retired. I'm booking him because of his, uh, he was. Yeah, but but then in the last few years, he,

he literally called me up. I'm, I'm retired for six months. And then he would not come back. Yeah, he would retire from comedy. And then he'd come back. He'd be like, I'm I'm retired for six months and it's we tired. I'm not coming. Yeah, he would retire from comedy And then he come back. He'd be like I'm not a retirement for sure. He's like share Yeah, he just kept being like this is it. This is the final one. All right, so go ahead read it from there then Go less black star start out as a flicker light black star now your light is shining bright black star Instead of the highway with many black star you pay your own way without any black star now no one knows your light to the wind black black star Sad but now your light shines forever bright black star. That's unbelievable. That's great. That's I would have fucking high That's will that's great. I would have cried on that that I'm not bullshit. That was good

Yeah, the cut the black stars start from the middle middle That's the same thing that LA cop wrote in his I like Charlie Sheen. Did he mention Patrice black star? And I mentioned Sheppell and Tom. He said Patrice dude. He didn't he's on you know He did mention. Yeah, what do you say and his? Patrice one guy's favorites. He mentioned the the black cop that just got lit on fire. Yeah, the one looks like a little cool J. He wanted before he died. He wanted to shout out to famous people real and He gave a shout out to Patrice. Yeah, what do you say? He said patrice is genius Yeah talking to the mic get off your phone. You're on a show. He said I'm pulling up for you. He's pulling up black star, too

That's her job, which is about Keith. Oh, I'm gonna hire you then. You know what? Do you want to be on a show once a week? What was that guy's name? What was a policeman's name Chris David. Oh Chris something So that's fucking create isn't that is I don't that's cool. No fucked up. What's that? You know that guy was insane, Narcissus. He's like, it's not his family. He's writing to it. It's like famous people don't know him. And what he found out like fucking Charles is that the guy that played Wurf on him?

What if he found out that Charles Manson loved your comedy? That would be like the best thing I've gone for me. Really? I'd make a T-shirt. Yeah, almost. What would a T-shirt be? Charles Manson. Oh, fuck what that's crazy the resemblance Yeah, she think I'm meant to hurt you my head is like a shocks fit

That's fucking crazy. Let me say that again. No, it really is. Yeah, didn't do anything Chris do under those No, you know, you always say we look alike Didn't do anything to the Chris Dorn or though No, you know, you always say we look alike Who's that main night's not that's not around y'all but we agree I never said that I don't know what our scump was racist His his great-great-grandfather was in the Christmas, but he loved bubble I All the people all the people that you like sickos in the world Jeffrey Dama, you know Any all these fucking serial killers or people

of kill people, who would you want to like your comedy or like your career? Who, if it was a fan, if you're gonna call from, you know, David Crowley Manson, he was like doing him a big fucking fan. Okay, go ahead. Jayce Anthony. Okay, good one.

All right, good one. I was gonna say, who's like a hot girl that's like a serial killer But I don't want to do now That's let her work in store for me. Yes. Yeah, yeah Much better one man Something I was this to will Silvis and then I shot him David Kuresh David Kuresh David Kuresh. David Kuresh.

David Kuresh. I think he's like, oh Texas. Yeah, but I'm saying, you know, you said anybody. He, no, first of all, they have to be alive because they have to be able to say I'm a fan. Jody Ari, that's it. That's it. I thought that was fucking off.

I can't. Listen, I thought that was, I thought that was obvious. Dude, that's a different, I'm not alive. You said, Jeffie Dammell. Yeah, he said, Jeffie Dammell. I was giving a example. Exactly.

Don't have a fucking country dick me Listen you guys are really talking over each other and you gotta fucking settle down all right cuz it's bugging the fuck out way by calm down What what you say Bobby star Bobby star stop being mad I don't like it. I don't like it. Curse just yapping because he's stoned. You fucking high You're not even looking at me. What the fuck? You're just staring To the sunset. Are you really too high? No, not too long. He's out of some pearls. Yeah, he's fucking out of it I'm not I'd love to see you OD right now. That'd be just a

I'm not I'd love to see you OD right now. That'd be just a We just don't think you can do. No, just something else that you took. I took nothing today. Would you would you OD for the show? Can I shoot you up with something? I mean, I can possibly OD and you could say it was for the show really I don't I don't have anything I could deal I do yeah, like what I got some fucking heroin on me. I Don't believe you I do and I have some fucking if you would say cake I would have We won't have our demons you know I hang on first of all don't don't fucking comedy cock block laugh Well, we get it was a good one, but not a fucking cackling fucking black man good one You're not any Murphy and the nutty professor. Wow can I have that band there? You boss did you hear me take a gulp in the middle of it?

Yeah, you go what are we? We I've got the manifesto it's no matter if it's like 22 pages. You're not reading it Yeah, no, no, no, no, I found the bit we're about Patrice. I get read it, but it just says it's he puts all the stuff together Stop for one second first time in the history of this fucking First time in the history of this fucking show that Kelly actually did what she's supposed to fucking Somebody's eligible for white dick Really I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I up like, huh? Did you said you had a long round? I shaved it. Dude, it's too pretty thick, right? In the middle there's nothing.

I'm feeling it. You look good. I'm feeling it, I know. There's nothing. Yeah, I was like fake. Muppet Arbriles. I said I'm Peter Gallagher. You look like one of the fucking guys from Avenue Q.

You look like if a muppet, a muppet, like what's the most puppeteers? Actually got his wish and became his puppet All right, listen Kelly read it. Oh, I just just says like the light Patrice O'Neill I'm a big fan of your work Wow, so he was actually well can you take your phone off the table? Can you imagine being a doctor by and writing out your life like this is it? Everything I gotta say I love the comedy Why would you like to like comedians even being your death letter?

You forget how so live anything was going to die. You forget. Now important we are to people. I mean, what we do is just like fucking music now was so exposed to that somebody's comedy taste is especially with podcasts and radios like Opie and Anthony, you get to actually get to know Patrice. Right. No, no, no me or whatever.

What page number was that in the 20th? It was 19. It doesn't say, but it's like, our reckons around like 18 of like 26. So he got through a lot of stuff. He was like, yeah. The guys before I open up and murder all of LAPD, just wanna say, love elephant in the room.

Now I'm gonna go shoot all of LAPD. You stopped, you stopped this with that? Yeah, what, where's the tank? I got it right here. I'm not go shoot all of LAPD. Stop, you stopped this one. Yeah, what? Where's the tanker? I got it right here. I'm not fucking, oh my shit. Give it to that fucking Colorado fucking bomber right there. Hey, speaking of guys that I wanted to like my comedy. Thanks for sobering me up for this show.

Ah, shit. It's so funny. I think my self-esteem is shitty enough to wear if somebody who hurt people, I actually liked my comedy. I would kind of try to maybe talk to them. Because there's nobody famous that really is true. I thought John Mayer would, he liked me for a minute, but then he saw me maybe too many times and said,

I'm all set. I saw him walk out one night and my feelings got hurt. You know what I mean? I like you writing a letter to a serial killer, like one of those lonely women, the fall of a serial killer. Dude, I love that you love my comedy, dude. I'm kind of a fan of your work, dude.

I'm gonna sing you T-shirt and a mug, man. Listen, get down low, you know you know what did we mentioned you last week Thanks for the donation of cigarettes to top what you're saying also. Yes, talking to the mic fuck someone and can you hear yourself? Yeah, have you been on a radio show? Who's that your aim what the fuck is that? Oh, it's it's who is that What that was Fuck is that? Oh, it's a, it's, it's, who is that? What the fuck? That was creepy. I don't know, man.

I'm just glad to know that Kelly's gonna be the first to die if it is something bad. Everybody move, I've got it. I'll be checking out. Bobby Kelly's nervous with four men here. Imagine if you buy yourself. Oh, it's no, it's no, it's the owner. The owner of the place.

I'm like, I get a little fucking weird it out. That's all What you get them? Someone for Nova Scotia I'm his interpreter and I shouldn't say what he said someone from Nova Scotia You said it correct and will please every sentence needs to start with black star and will please every sentence needs to start with black star. Black star black star. If someone liked me from Nova Scotia,

no, Nova Scotia love, love for Teresa's act. Like it's so you're saying about how people love, how big and we bigger than what we think we are. Right. Nova Scotia. Come on. Who is it? No, I'm just kidding. That was the best, that was the best neighbor in a sitcom entrance.

It's just a disgusted no face. No, no. I'm his interpreter. He said someone from Nova Scotia enjoyed Patrison Hill's comedy. I'll be. He had a lot like weird Europeans that were way into him. Where was Nova Scotia? It's not that far.

It's in Canada. It's in Nova Scotia. It's Prov that far. It's in Canada. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's Providence. It's a Providence of Canada. The way you said it was like it was really far away, but it's not really. No, it's not all that far. It's actually on the East Coast.

Yeah, you can get there in like two hours. You can't get used to a go vacation up there with a time kit. You got a fucking main kit. You get some potatoes and the fucking potato fucking North of Maine. That was next to what Dr. Doom live love love love Scratch love bitch. Oh God, please don't stop them. Please please do not ever stop him go who

This just sounds like a man ever you're strobe do not do not interrupt just go Home was far much Dr. Dome was from not French word in your Haitian please You should be spin that out That's your language Go ahead I love that he tried to fuck it in private at the end and like we were gonna know

Do not fucking Nobody in this room fucking help him who what are you trying to say Dr. Doom is from Luz Shrek. Oh lad very Loveria, how did you get I said don't help him? Oh you fucking drug addict listen Cuckstuck You fucking drug addict. Listen, I didn't listen to that part at all. That was busy being hot. He's fucking cock-second. Him and his Ray Charles eyes. He's busy looking at his eyebrows. Fucking shit. Yeah, not very attacking.

I bought it up. Who was it? Laveria. Laveria. I thought Nova Scotia was next to Laveria. No. No, not at all. It's incantated.

There's an R. I thought it was Latvia. What? That's not a real place. Is it? No, it's a V. That's fine. Listen, there's Laveria, a real place is it? No, it's a vein. Listen, there's Latvia, which is Dr. Doom's country, which is made up and then there's Latvia.

Which is the real country. Various. There's a made up country for coming home. Come to geography with the WIKIDWD team. Well, I fucking love you so much. You make me laugh so hard and at your expense, a lot of the time, but you're a very funny guy But we'll let you laugh as expense will is alright. He is he's he's a he doesn't take it

He doesn't take a personal that he can't speak English. Well, I speak English what he said I speaking Let me interpret back for him what you just said why you why you The first time I went over your house and you live a Patrice Do you remember that and you were like fucking with me and I was new because will was like here for a while when I got here And then I was born here no, but you I came up you were doing the Boston with talent. Oh, yeah So, so I came over to do a show of Patrice holy shit what happens Tested but well it's it goes I coach like roots. Oh my god. I never saw he goes How come you all like boots and go between? It's called like roots

I'm sorry I interrupt your podcast this room. Yes for the podcast. Yeah, that is my room. Yeah, I know it's filled with coats and Napsacks and you're fucking shit. Yeah, no, we didn't do that I can throw that all out except except for the London fog coat I don't know how that got in there to Kelly put my coat next I need it. This is this is a violation Our agreement you're a man of your word Look at me you're saying. I'm a Palestinian, all right?

It's a coat on a fucking bed. We'll get them off. The other reason why we put them in there, you know why? I don't care why. Kelly, can you go get everything off? No, no, no, no, no, I can say now. No, no, no, no, it's not staying now. This is why Israel and-

So I'm trying to make it bigger than this shit. Okay, you're right, I really, I really, this is really a political connection. It's really white Israel and the pals didn't go and get along You're all I'm saying is let's put Kelly on a boat because she messed up I Can we drop will on the way well Betrayal listen, this is a betrayal. It's not a betrayal. Oh, yes it is.

Oh my God. No, I'm just really showing the Jewish side now. Oh. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is.

I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. I'm just making that noise because everyone else is. You know, he owns the comedy seller. My jacket's right here with all my stuff. My bag, Jack. You can stay. Thank you very much. What are you doing?

What are you doing? We just, we just, look at Kelly fucked up. She didn't, you know what's really weird? No, is before she took my coat, like I had my coat in the back of the, and she's like, hey, Mike, can I take your coat? And I was like, where are you gonna do it in my coat? She's like, no, she's through in the road. It was weird too, because when I walked? And I was like, where are you gonna do with my coach? He's like, fuck, no. She's through the road.

It was weird too, because when I walked in, I was like, I heard that. I said, we should put these coats something, and she goes, I fucking got it. Yeah, she took them, and she, if I'm not some stall. I go like this, I go, but no, she goes, fucking whatever.

I hate cheese. We don't believe in him in all straight. I didn't say that. It's weird. We say every time. I must be so Jewish because every punchline about me ever is about the fact that I'm Jewish. You're gonna piss me off. Always.

I feel like a kid. What do you want me to make fun of the fact that you can fucking whale on the guitar? All right, here I'm done. What the fuck? What happened? Oh, serious. That was awesome. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. You just hear P hitting claw if you don't Is that the only bathroom because I don't have to kind of yeah going to do with him kind of well Charging in the toilet who's that I didn't

I got you listen it's you came on the wrong night. No It's supposed to be a YKW after hours after hours. That way you can't charge a fucking iPhone in the bathroom? It takes electricity and costs money, and Jewish people know what money electricity costs. How did you get that out, right? As is interpreted. As is interpreted. Well, it's fucking same. No, I got it.

Oh, you did? Yeah. You know what? Well, you've graduated. That's because he spoke at a slower speed. Did you lose? That's because he spoke at a slower speed. That's because electricity. It took like a death, he took like a, it took like a, now on.

He took, he's taking like a death man's pace. If you understand me, he's talking like a little further. I'm talking, it's because I'm talking, not as fast. Oh God, that's just, why is that uncomfortable? I don't know.

It's not accurate. Yeah. All right, listen to me Josh I want For the guitar Oh Abby let's cuz Rob sprants keep putting shit on my fucking thing Be covered up for his show Shut up. I'm gonna fucking you fuck you dad

Fuck you all my uncles Shut up fucking you fuck you dad No, what the fuck it's an iPhone charger in the bathroom. I apologize. I didn't do it He fucked up. He's the first time photographer in here, right? And and it's you know and it's, you know, what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What is that? What is that move? What the fuck are you doing? What are you fucking?

You got a dis... You're free. I just heard that. No, listen to me. Take this. Listen, no. I'm fucking sorry. Okay.

And the coach, that was a fuck up. All right, we'll get a code hanger in here, okay? We just don't want it. What? Shut up. Don't worry where it's gonna be. We're gonna hang him on the oods. Listen, I apologize.

You all right? What the fuck? I didn't mean to look at it. It's just a coat and we'll get him right off. That's not what's bothering him. Is that you're not a man of your world. Do you told him that you would not go in that boom ever again? That's not the case. That's the case

You not you said he said was he said don't fucking there. He said don't fucking there Don't fuck Kelly in there Yes, right. Don't let Kelly fuck people in there And you said you can use the bathroom just make sure it's clean nothing was ever said about not putting a coat in there bathroom, just make sure it's clean. Nothing was ever said about not putting a coat in there. Go ahead. I got nothing. You know, you're not supposed to put your coats in there.

That's, this is the room. This is the room, right? I like to be able to go in that room. Right. And do whatever I need to do in there. Like what'd you do? What if there was no way to do that? No way.

We could half the bed. I'm building a boy. I need to work in there if I want to read if I want to lie down on the bed and take a nap Whatever it is. Yeah, I want to build to have my right. Yeah, no, you're right. There's coats in there That means there's someone's going to be in there Kelly out of there. Where are you going? I got sheets and everything it doesn't really doesn't matter to change the sheets. Yeah, of course why because people's coats are dirty Are they making a lot of sense Kelly go get the coat? What will you want to take a crap in the bathroom right now just a spike no craps in here? Oh really?

Really where's all the toilet paper go? How come the toilet paper is constantly running out in there? We don't fucking take crap No, I'm gonna picture a while. I only poop at the wall on the wall. I say only peepee To wipe your peepee when you're at the peepee. Yeah, after you use to pop to wipe your peepie when you were at the peepie. You have to use top of it to wipe your peepie. You do? Or your dick will smell. Yeah.

Who wipes your peepie? Maybe that's where you're not circumcised. You wipe your peepie? Are you circumcised? No. Are you circumcised? I'm circumcised. I'm circumcised.

I'm circumcised. I'm not. You're not a fucking heatham. That's what it is. It traps a lot more moisture. I'm not circumcised. No. A dump. I said first of all, if you let P on the dick and it goes in your underwear, the tip of your dick is going to get moist.

And then you can get a fungal infection. What are you saying that? I don't make sure. You're in a sterile. We got to happen to have no, no, no. You shut the fuck up and let me say it. You can get a fungal infection, take it from me. It happened to Kelly, me. It happened to Kelly me

But Robert with all the dirty things that you do and have done You think that the fungal infection came from the back you didn't dab your penis with toilet paper really I never you've been telling yourself you wasn't a tranny It wasn't it wasn't the the cheap sex in a battle It wasn't a butt fucking it was okay the dabbing of the pee pee you got the laugh don't get crazy You're gonna lose it now, okay? Get a little whipped up you go on a fucking listen rant and just as a comic to a fucking club I'll settle down. Yeah, he just blah blah blah

You're I get you You might be right, but listen. You're the first one. You may have a point. You might have a point. I am. No, but if you did get to where, you can get a... You wipe your dick off with toilet paper when you pee? Right, just a shaker, too.

A shaker, too, right? I mean, you put... Right, me... And then you wipe your... Courts working with the... Courts working with the... You pee on the seat? You gotta wipe the seat. No, if now if you do you spit on me why are you yawning me for spying on your seat? You spit in my face. I didn't all right listen You you didn't you know he's doing right now. I'm switching it up. I approve it to people listening on the

You when you listen to me. I'm listening to you listen when you P you know, I mean sometimes you pee Listen, when you pee, you know, I mean sometimes you pee on the seat, yeah. You don't pee on the seat, ever. You get all in. I lift the seat up. You always get by in the bulls' eye. I lift it up too.

Boba Bobby. Are you still here to see your normal? Boba Bobby. Boba Bobby. You know I'm always getting the bulls' eye. You're a large target. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, not everyone's peeing with a fucking baby arm like you are. I pulled out of the water. I go about my business. Yeah, yeah. everyone's peeing with a fucking baby yarn like you are Yeah, I pulled out of the water. I go about my business He actually peas it looks like food coloring going into Just in the water just listen IP on the seat sometimes I wipe it up though Okay, I will get told I want to object to that. It's a look at I knew this day was coming It's a dabbing of the pee pee after the peeing that I did. It's very feminine. Here's the beginning.

I don't wipe my pee hole. You're not circumcised, you have an excuse. You're not circumcised? You have a natural toilet paper built in the paper. It's called extra skin. My stepson's not circumcised and he got a terrible infection from not keeping his, but I don't think it's from the pee,

just get dirt in there. Yeah. Has he ever thought about going the way of the chosen people? If you know the way? Just gets it gets dirt in there. Yeah. Has he ever thought about going the way of the chosen people if you know I just put a regan yeah and he's he's supporting him. Louis says it. Louis says that. Louis J. Gomez is a certain size penis. He does. He does. Can I just say something real quick at the party the night? We did a Tom Papa had a party and uh uh a bunch of comics over there. You know you know you walk up to me, Nick Nick Depalo, Norton, Kong, and everybody. We're over in the corner and just shows me all of us a picture of his hog.

I want what? I can't get it out of my head. Was that a good piece? He's got a, it's a, it's a, who did this? Moody. Moody. I can't get Moody's dick out of my head because you wouldn't look at Moody's mouth there.

Yeah, no choice. He just showed it. He was like, check it out. And I was like, whoa. It was it hard or it was hard. And he had like some fucking like his hair is like light brown. You know, that's what kind of fucking weird out strawberry.

That is a white dick. I mean, just a white dick. And it's it's kind of thick and thick. And it's like that. It's like, hell, it is thick and everything's thick. And then a light brown hair. Light brown hair. Yeah, like David Cassidy hair.

You know what I mean? Drill, tiger be a few minutes. A few minutes. I'm gonna stand out of the seven minutes in the bathroom. Why do you do that? While eating cake. What made you pull the out? What were you talking about? I don't know he even I'd not hogs not modis dick We weren't talking about it. What about modis dick looks like he just showed it to me and now I

Yeah, I mean I couldn't get your hog out of my head for the first week, too It's just your hog, but I can understand your hog in your head I know I know he's legend. Yeah, it's got fucking I know he's legend. Yeah, he's got fucking Posting me at the at the pop-up party Because you had two girls on your lap at the same time. That's why you had two girls I was a bunch like old dudes with their young girlfriends there at that party when I was like wow I'm really like an old cool fucking Todd Barry had a chick Anthony from ONA has an 18 year old. Yeah, well, yeah, let's

you do it. I was just in a collection of like, you know, but nobody had two. You're the only one who had two there. Yeah, you had two hot chicks. One of them is my girlfriend. Yeah, but you had another hot chick on you. Yeah. And then I was talking to nominees. Yeah, both of them. And I looked over and you're rubbing backs and pulling ponytails. I don't know how to act and push out. I started giving you a lap dance. That's her name. I'm saying some drinks. That's the black girls name, by the way. What, Shante?

Yeah. Shade, her name's Shade. Yeah. She's the one who got the sales. Well, like, okay, why don't you say it's the way? I'm gonna go ahead and say, how many Shade's you know? I don't know. One, that's why I was a little blown away.

And usually there's uniqueness in black women's names that separates them. Because black people don't tend to have the same name. I'll let you see. I'm gonna see you get out of this one. So, water fountain. Dig up. Kelly, get that chair.

So when you saw his penis, did you get turned on? It was, I didn't get turned on. I got, it was interesting because it was like a fucking perfect dick. Like if you can make a, it looked like the bottle open. We, build a dick. Yeah, if you can build the dick, that would be the, that would be the first dick that you would get. That would be the starting dick.

And I could build from there. And I put a new dick in your head right now. We'll, we'll take his phone out. You will, we'll get this dick out of your head. We'll see. It's horrifying. Well, you know, let me show Bobby. Hang on, I want to, I want to fucking out of your head. Well, it's horrifying. Well So Bobby hang on I want I want to fucking build up to this thing though How come I never get to see the dicks?

So is you the kids to see that I'm he's down seeing kids dig as well. Yeah, Kelly and Josh and Josh Yeah, hey, what's up? Do you have a dick? a dick. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Pull it. Shit. Do you have a big day? And none of you are seeing any pictures of it. Do you have pictures of it? Well, do you have pictures?

No, actually, you don't. You don't have one dick pic. Not one. No. You never, wait a second. You've never took a picture of your dick. No, I never had. You're not sharing the one chain.

Okay. I don't even want so much picture. What kind of fucking, that's limp. That's not even fair wait wait wait Oh my god, I'm gonna look at this like you're gonna be ready for it I'm gonna look at this like I look to girls one cop I want to fucking I want a little moment of silence I want to get the phone and the right can I'm gonna zoom in a little bit

Is that on? Let me see wait me let me you guys again. I want to see Curse I was good I didn't even give you a warm-up to it Why did black dick I just see that I've just measured Look at you It's like one of those Russian dolls

Like you could take the top one It's like three other smaller Where's the other side of it? You know what? It's a little bit respected Stop talking over each other Yeah It's got a published dick

Alright, wait a minute, I'm going to look I'm going to look I'm going to look Alright, shut the fuck up Put curts dick away All right, wait a minute. I'm going to look. I'm going to look. Shut the fuck up. Put Kurt's dick away. It's really thick.

First of all, show Josh first. Hold on, Kurt's dick looks like it's a snake that swallowed a rabbit. I think I can do it. It's swallowed. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. It's right. How about a sh-

Guys, you really get a stop-top in it. It's too small. It's so annoying to people listening. I I really I can't fucking stress it enough It looks like a toothpaste listen. Can you please show Josh? I don't want Josh to be left out of the dick pics Yeah, why would he want it want that? I? Know Josh just please look do you have a picture of it? You can show him what are you doing? Are you high right now? Just looking at regular photos? That's more of like a link. That's yours because you can't see yet. You can't really tell the why are you ignoring Josh?

So he said he didn't want to look at it. He does. That's okay. It doesn't matter. Let me see. Let me see. But just for a little bit. That's a way to Okay. There you go. Look, you don't even see it. That's pretty big. I really don't see it. That's pretty big. Wow. You're off a hairy too. Yeah. I don't't even see it. That's pretty big. That's pretty big. Wow. You're awful hairy too Yeah, I don't want to wonder what I wax my fucking dick. What am I? Again, you can take a razor. You know that is big because that girl's got both her hands on your dick

Like a bicycle back because the camera plays tricks. You got to have measurements. Okay. All right, put your dick away Let's go on a will's dick. I want to look at wills dick. You don't want to even see that too much Okay, here we go ready. Oh That's not real That literally is I'm a big bright shining star Black star Black star, yeah, that's poem was to you dick Shining dark and bright That is the biggest oh fucking what is this what I don't understand. Here's the thing. That's so dim pumped up

Listen to me so dense and black like a lap star. I don't know what I Couldn't even imagine a black star shut the fuck up. Sorry. I couldn't even imagine Black star shut the fuck up. Sorry. I couldn't even imagine Having it what the fuck would you do like what do you do when you're with a chick? I mean is that how like if you don't get hard It's fucked. You don't I mean here's the thing though. That's a fucking that that's two my dicks That's not that's not big. That's not big look at this dude. That's that's my abs. That's my fingertip That's my fingertip to half my forearm. How big is it 12 inches? Don't ah nothing you fucking look you got a Craigslist dad

God damn you know more you don't be really funny He's like if you hit the girl with your dreams and she's like oh you're so much better than my last boyfriend Look at this naked picture of him and she's like, oh, you're so much better than my last point friend. Look, I just think naked picture of him and be like, yeah, it's over. If it was Will? Yeah, if I saw that fucking ant eater of a dick. I don't know what the fuck. I must have gone with girls who've had that

and then they went to me. So it's like, I mean, the disappointment factor in that, like, I mean, gotta go clip heavy. And I hate when girls go my last boyfriend on a big dick and I hated it it hurt too much I love you a dick better because it's that's such a Fighting

They're probably telling you the truth yeah, like I used to I don't always say in a Ditch I'd rather get a hamburger than a really expensive steak. Why would oh my god? I am such a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl There's fair not you want to wear gowns? You call my dick's, my dick's very, huge size. You get jeans and t-shirt, dick. I flip flop and I'm to wear. I don't know, I'm casually,

I'm casual Friday dick. No, right? Still on there? There you go. There's not another one. I would look like Steven Tyler at this point. Oh man. Yeah, I, I, I don't know,

if I could get a bigger dick in my life, I'd do it. If they had a surgery or like if I could... A surgery though. If I had the money and I was a millionaire and you get a bigger dick, I'd do that for my wife. For just so she could enjoy the last. People do that? I don't think you can get a bigger dick.

I don't think that's possible. Yeah, you can. I think there's surgery. I think there's a lot of work. Yeah, but I've, I mean like a bigger dick like, okay, like a girl, my wife, you chicken get it tits and they look and feel and they look real I don't want to get a fucking fake dick that I have to pump have an iPhone app that I got a push I don't want to hear a fucking here we go one of those beds at the radison the sleep number bed like my

What's your dick number? 72 Here we go. Let's pop my dick up. Yeah, I know. But you know as big as his dick is, he doesn't have sex. You know that. What do you mean? Well, it doesn't have sex.

What the fuck is that? Really? You're swinging one of the biggest bats and you're not taking pictures? No, don't say like that. What, how do you say it? I'll say it. Yeah, I should say it.

In 2007, I want to grab control of my life over the foods I eat not exercising all the things that that we just don't want to do me too So I decided to like chill and having sex with Control my edges have but you're missing the point of doing all that other shit is so you can get extra sex Yeah, yeah, to work out who are gonna out and doing what is just to get some sex but it's not for you sorry I thought that was for you what will not having sex with an amazing thing yeah he's like that you have a six pack just for you you might look girl you might

have to just be fat like me yeah have a fucking I mean give me that torso let me do some fucking I am not dick I'll think dick. I want I won't take a person. I don't want the torso I just want the dick. Yeah, if I could have that dick I would be the fat as big dick motherfucker I would fucking you don't barbie Kelly. Oh that fat fucks got a huge dick I would dump my wife and eat whatever I wanted and fuck chicks with my big fat baby arm You'd see me in my apartment in my bathroom on that bench in the shower which is chicks bouncing off my fat fat meat on wet slice of pizza. I'd make them pick my fat up. I thought it was a shorter

dick but it's actually I talked to Dr. Steve about this and you actually gain an inch a half an inch every 10 pounds When you lose weight you don't gain dick weight If you know fucking my dumb fucking huge my cog would be right my cog would be right there. You dig a look like the Michelin man. It's real. Still on here. We got the Michelin man reference. You didn't have to go.

You didn't have to act it out for us. I know. Listen, it's better while it's been on the podcast and roast. Josh, you got a big hog or a regular hog? It's I've been told by the ladies. It's big. I want to hear Will's story, though, about not having sex since 2007. We're going to get to that.

I'm going to get great on your show. You can fucking wait for that. I don't like that. You seem like you're, did you know what show you are coming on? You seem like you're- I listen for a bit the other night on a drive. Are you, are you not opening up about your cock? No, I'm good.

I'm good. What kind of question is, because I don't want it first of all, you're the only one on this room who's on TV. Oh, I've already been fired. By the first, however many minutes we've been on the air to be fired. What is Joe's doing on TV? Why would you be fired? It's definitely over the subject content really yeah, so hopefully you guys can hire me to do something Why would you be? No, I'm good um Mike you know what we do is TVPG. This is definitely not TVP so the WWE would fire you no

No, no, no, I'm just saying So that's but here's the thing though, you haven't said anything to the whole show. Correct, I'm doing it. You haven't said a thing. Right, so I want to, I want to make sure I know this. You should have told me this. That's okay.

Before you went on, I mean, I am a piece of shit. There's a moral turpitude thing in wrestling. Well, there is now because, and even blood, what was it on raw, I was talking to Sam about this yeah brought last night about the bus it open for real and he was bleeding everywhere and there's no blood on wrestling anymore they do what it's oh what the fuck yeah but I get it look it was a time for that and now I am a cw do yeah I know and I love that too but I'm I'm a big CW dude. Yeah, I know and I love that too, but I'm a fan of it now because of the, you know, the actual dialogue and those going back and forth

is almost like a, it's really like a soap opera now. Yeah, I mean, what goes, I love the rock and scenery and what's going on and you get into this fucking little scenarios in these worlds and these, I like it better, I don't miss the blood. I don't miss all the fucking horseshit and even the sexy weird fucking sex shit that Vince was doing in the one when was that like the 90s the late 90s attitude era was in the 90s. Yeah, I was like fuck, I mean I watched that and I'd be like what the fuck are they like?

ECW and shit. Well they had to I think because that's where it was kind of people going all over. Well, I feel like as kids, we grew up with the business. So as you got older and as I got older, they started appealing to what we were into at ages 24, 25. But now I think we're kind of starting over with kids. So that's where PG, that's where we have a kid show. And now we're going to bring those kids up. And the era will change again as, you know, as the years go on.

But as a kid, now we're gonna bring those kids up and the era will change again as you know as the years go on. But as a kid now we're TVPD. And actually it's actually on more than it's ever been and I think it's better because it was on three hours on Monday night. Monday is three hours, Wednesday is an hour, Fridays an hour, Saturday is an hour and then we have a paper view once a month that's three and a half hours. So now it's such a machine. And I love that the UFC, I know they had to somehow steal

some of the business model of WWE. Dana's actually met with Vince. It's very similar. Yeah, very similar because now, three hours of fucking prime time TV is ridiculous. And it's not even a question. It's not even like someone's not gonna, they watch it

I'll tell you when I knew the wrestling was more than what we think it is in America when I went to a rubah On a Sunday night to hooters to watch the Patriots game in the playoffs I know it was a money night game. It wasn't it wasn't the play. It was a money night game And I went in and they had raw drawn and they would not fucking put the fucking it was all local rubin people flat backs as I call them right. Well, they all the other chicks got fucking those monster shoulders and like bugs money right. And they were staring right reference.

They was staring at the TV like this was the world series. They were watching they weren't laughing. They weren't this was real. This is fucking their sport. And they were kids, fathers, mothers, grandmothers, everybody in hooters sold the fuck out watching wrestling. You guys talking to me. Talk in the city. Yeah. rest of the life you got to talk on the world talking to my city you got to all on the world every city we'll do uh... tv in england uh... twice a year it's it's crazy and you do the troops to don't forget about the truth we do uh... in the states now

are you do it yeah um... we did norfolk virginia this past year and the year before that i think was a base in uh... somewhere near san antonia taxis and don't think we're getting back to you not having sex. I'm gonna miss the latest. What? I'm gonna miss the bleeding. You, you, I don't like that because it's- No one's gonna have dusty roads for it.

Here's the thing, you know what it is? Is that they don't have the blades, so I don't have to suspend reality. If they get cut, I know it's real. If someone gets hurt, I kind of like, oh, is he really, I remember CM Punk a couple weeks ago, fell off the ropes. He did some move and he jumped over somebody,

came down on his legs and his legs kind of just landed. His knees didn't bend and he fucking grabbed his knee. And as a person who's hurt his knee before, I cringed like fuck and he was holding his knee and I'm like, oh shit, did he, and it makes you wonder Did he really get fucking hurt on that? I see what you say it gives it back to that hole allure of like are you really injured? And the cool thing about what we do now is like with Brock it and his head busted open on Monday right now

We video that the backstage and it will black and white it but you can see it on Ww.com. They'll show he had 18 staples She's staples so staples yet, but you can see it on www.com. They'll show he had 18 staples. She's staples. The staples. So staples, yeah. But they'll tell you, you know, this is graphic content and you'll watch the pictures and you can see them actually closing. Which back in the day, guys would just, you know.

Well, you remember hoagin' in summer slam where you got burned by Sergeant Slotter? Yeah, yeah. You were always like, making that was like a big thing. And you really were like, I really wanted to see. Now you can see everything that happens. It's been, and here's, with my middle east. Are you guys big middle east? Well, we used to we started our tribute to the troop show there. Yeah, there's the pictures of Brock

That's how the troops started a 11 no this was past year was 10 years so we started 10 years ago I'm talking with the locals I didn't I've never been so I don't know but we're on TV there. Yeah, I mean here's the thing is that this this You know what I've been to too is the on Netflix. They have the rest of his individual Almost like little biographies the best which I love I just watch CM punks Which was different than all the other ones usually like the rocks and it starts where you know You know Dwayne Johnson starting and they go through his whole career.

CM Punk's was almost like a real documentary, and it was a, wasn't it like a two-potter or something? Yeah, I think it was three discs. They had all those matches from before he got to WWE and everything. Fucking great. It was awesome. The only one that I like was if Sting's, Sting's movie,

oh it was terrible. The worst one, I mean, the Christianity was in it. Well, you got to understand stings like a little bit of the head case. There was a burning cross and Jesus and in the middle. I was like, what the fuck was going on halfway through? And CM Punk's one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. After watching his documentary. Are you saying that you believe that for real? Yeah, I think CM Punk's like one of, I don't, like his mic work,

the way that he is in the ring, he's great. CM Punk's awesome. I like CM Punk. I like what he did because it was real. He was gonna quit, right? Oh yeah, it was done deal. He was quitting. I don't like that, I just got shit on by saying that.

I like CM Punk. You didn't know and said anything. I know, it was weird. Which is worse than being shit. I know, I know. Cause that's real. That's real. You just stopped everybody and said anything. I know what's weird, which is worse than being show. I know. I know. That's real. You just stopped everybody with your shitty handbrake. Yeah, you just fucking stop the show with whatever you were trying to say. I think Sam punk is great. And I love

that what he did was fucking epic to take a re I'm quitting fuck you. I'm out. Took took that spun it and it's almost like now you can't leave because you're so popular now that happened in Vegas and I remember being backstage and everyone was like whoa like what's so everyone kind of like kind of parted see and like you know went different places and waiting to see what was gonna happen when he came back right and it was like that was awesome right now what's next well here's a thing though the rock I love I'm a me and Patrice used to watch wrestling

together how fucking silly that's not what Patrice was the vibe on it no before that okay that was getting to that but we used to watch money nights we'd watch the rock in stone called we'd be fucking call each other and be on the phone and laugh our fucking asses off. Cause the rocks, the rock when he was at the top of his game, when he went from, uh, he went, he was a heel and then he turned into the people's champ that period. He was so fucking funny. And I mean, I, I was still going YouTube and just watch his fucking segments.

And you were in a lot of the segments too. Uh, yeah. When I first started, I was one of the guys that rock with uh... make fun of doing his own what was the funny thing is on the uh... the strutle stuff was funny stop staring at my strutle uh... those always made me laugh but even just uh... just the past time that he came back just the hand in in your face when you're talking just he has such a presence it's unbelievable just the way he is

he's so nice but when he's the rock he's he's presence unbelievable fucking mother fucker great the mother fucker now he definitely did something because he shredded he lost the fucking the uh titties he used to have titties gone I heard there I heard a rumor that there was he had surgery to get rid of gives a fuck I Did he's used to bug me when he was the people's champ and he'd take the shirt up and he had the little fucking I yeah little nubs. I was like come on fix that shit. There's no scar though. I know I don't know to the nipple My buddy tell me that's probably bullshit Uh, but he's in that movie pain in game with Mark Wahlberg

Would they play bodybuilders, right? Like I can't wait for that. You sorry? No, I saw a preview That's coming in it, but he's like after that Mark Wahlberg looks awesome in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah He's he's jacked up in that too. Yeah, he's jacked up totally just in a cycle Patrice If I did a cycle just like some of you just get fucking hard Patrice if I did a cycle just like some of you just get fucking hard Yeah, but you know it's did a cycle to sit around did dude. I got one big fucking I did a push up it didn't work then I just get triceps But no biceps fucking soup go show But me at Patrice actually wrote for WWE. Yeah, not a lot of people know that

He wrote he got a job for a minute. And I remember he called me up, freaked the fuck out on a private jet. No, he called me up for, he just left tight towers. Oh, tight and towers. No, he left the house. He was over at Vince McMahon's house. Oh, okay. And he went into the room and he was like, praise, come in. And he was eating a steak and cheese, a steak sub. He said it was a steak sub. He goes, you want half of this? And he was like, okay, and he ate half a Vince's sub and, a steak sub. He said it was a steak sub. He goes, you want half of this? And he was like, okay, and he ate half of it to the sub, and it was like great.

He said it wasn't like a steak and cheese, it was like real steak. And I remember just these wheels, I was like, and I was so interested. Did you eat the whole thing? Yeah, motherfucker, I don't know what it was. It was just so fucked up about the whole thing. And then he was on the plane, he would take the plane with them with them and he would have to write but he said it was too hard and it took him out of comedy

Yeah, it was it was if you're gonna write for the WWE you're there all day like shut down shut the fuck down That's gotta be I mean, but being a wrestling fan and then becoming a writer like Matt McCarthy Matt McCartney Start writing for the W W Redhead. Yeah, really yeah, he wrote for the W W for like I think two years Well, just about two years yeah Yeah, I'm a car. It's the last time I hung out with trees by the way He spoke very highly of Vince McMahon like he fucking had I mean you was like really small you want to talk about a presence I remember I'm right in form was like a real,

like whatever you dumb idea was you thought he would sit and think, think for your idea with you and like, he would go with it. Yeah, he would let you go with it. He, yeah. And then he'd explain why it wasn't gonna work like. Yeah, he's got a puke. What's that documentary?

He does that. He's got on the mat with trash. He's got a puke. He's got a puke.. He's got a peel. He's got a peel. The guy couldn't peel. I should have been that guy. Yeah. Yeah, he actually, I remember he said that he was just like, dude, this motherfucker.

When he walked through that steak sandwich, he was so flipped out at his presence. And he was like, he's such a nice guy. He's not the guy you think he's gonna be he was just a real you know he's a business fucking man. I met him at remember the XFL yeah the fucking guy tried to compete with the NFL. That's crazy. He hate me. That's the greatest. He only wanted actually made it to the NFL. Oh the quarterback too. He hate me too. Uh, made it to. Well, he hate me and he hate me me to I didn't know there was a second Yeah, he did because you could pick your name. Yeah, yeah, which is fucking brilliant by the way

That's the fact that they let the players pick whatever names they wanted on the back of the jerseys the dumb shit I would have put six fat the dumb shit was the race for the football I so disagree. I think that was awesome a guy blue is nea one of the best running backs on the sky's team's like go chase for all they shouldn't have the running back there should add a wide receiver some of the fucker for the ball to determine who won the coin toss i thought that was awesome i thought it was career was done i thought it was stupid i thought football fan that was dumb i walked out at the super bowl at the l a coliseum uh... the first super bowl for that

and vince mcman, his daughter and his wife, literally bump into me going to my seat. How they look. And I went, they looked great. And I, this is what a panicking piece of shit I am. And I just have no star quality at all. I just went, huh? Well, when's the rock coming back?

And he turned around and looked at me and just went, I don't know. ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? Y él, él se ha terminado y se ha terminado, y me ha terminado. No sé. ¿Qué pasa? a murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com Big show. I was supposed to come back a few months ago, but I don't know, I just, I didn't wanna come back every fucking three months. I finally found out I'm having a baby. I got a few new jokes for you. We'll have a good time.

It's gonna be a blast. So make sure you get your tickets now. Go to robbercallylive.com, get my iPhone app, go to willbotheater.com, get your fucking tickets. Take out your debit card and swipe it. It's as easy as that. You pick your seat, you get your girl's seat, you get your friend's seat,

haven't paid you back the night of the show. They'll probably blow you off because they don't have any fucking money and they're finally here. But who gives a shit? It's gonna be a blast. I can't wait to come home. March 15th, Wilbot Theater, me, you.

Let's have some fun and some laughs. Motherfuckers, yeah, cock suckers. Facking, Boston. Hey, Bobby. Oh, God, just fucking. Hey, Bobby, I've got a nice deal for you. You want to hear about the new deal that we've got here at RiteCars.com? What, we have a deal.

We have a deal for, not just for us, but for our listeners. Something our listeners can do that can help themselves and help the show. What is that? Kill themselves? No, no, it's something really great. It's twink.com or twictaudio.com. They are the leading providers of headphones and mic headphones in America. Twict?

Mm-hmm. Actually, I went to their site. I've been to their site before because you know I'm a fucking tech junkie. Mm-hmm. And they have a bunch of headphones. Let me tell you something about headphones. You can go, I have, I have $5,000 headphones.

I actually have $1,500 headphones, custom made for my ears. The ones I use the most are the ones that are 20 bucks, 30 bucks, 40 bucks. Why? Because they sound just as good when they're in your fucking ears. And if you lose them, you can buy another pair. It's not a big deal. Yeah.

So you can go to twigaudio.com. They have seven styles of tweaked PB, California, procure. I guess so. I don't know that way. Classic, natural. They got blue, red, green, yellow, pink, black, silver, wood, fucking wood. I saw the wood ones. They look good. They look like the cow from National Apprice. You're paying back, you know, the car. That's because you're a fucking bitch. That's because you're a fucking hippie from Australia. One wood headphone. Love them. They got a mic and a non-mic.

I love mics. I like mics. Yeah, well, yeah. If you have a phone, if you have a phone, you get non-mic headphones, you really like music. They designed to sound great and talk engineered for durability too. You can beat the shit out of these things, which is great. You can't beat the shit out of my 15 out of all headphones

Are you gonna have to you know you're fucked? Something happens with them you fuck so Combatable with iPods iPhones, Android's MP3 players if you have an MP3 player you probably have a page or two so go fuck yourself But yeah, they work with all kinds of phones a page or two so go fuck yourself. But, yeah, they work with all kinds of phones. Right now, for the YKWD dude, listen up! Oh yeah. One third off.

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It sounds bitter. What does tweaked? Tweaked hit finds. God, fuck them apple ones. They always break. Apple socks. What is it? It sounds better. What does? Twigged? Twigged headlines! Oh God. Fuck them apple ones, they always break. Apple socks. Stink! You know what sucks about Apple?

What? The fucking goddamn microphone. Too loud, it's too sensitive. So anyways, go to twiggedaudio.com, get yourself some nice headphones. Stop fucking around. If the listener's a list, you're hearing I I want you to know some, some of you are onto it that as soon as we started talking about wrestling and not dirty cocks, Kurt has shut down totally. Literally. Do you want to know what I just got? I just got a fucking text

from fuck. Anyway, how high is Doug Benson by the way? How high are you? You're staring at a fucking, no, no, look on. Tell you what's going on. No, I got a text. Yeah fucking UCB thing Don't swear though. We got WW Padden made stuff fucking oh I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He doesn't mind. Doug just sent me to think you're not getting paid to do standup at UCB Because it's a non-profit theater go do stand up at UCB because it's a nonprofit theater go do stand up At comedy clubs and get your money. What the fuck is he texting me that for dude? It's a whole argument. I just got in about UCB paying with fucking Benson because he's got an LA fucking shitbag mentality

Where who's this? Who dug Benson? Yeah, he's getting paid. No. He's like we'll go somewhere All these LA people that work fucking log all all the dumb shit they do in fucking LA. Yeah, you can get him. Yeah. But he said that YouTube being is not for profit. He's for profit. He's a median side and never on fucking. But he's wrong, it is a profit organization.

Whatever. The whole side of that, that's like anti the comedy and paid. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Isn't sprop in LA like 1350? Because LA is such a fucking hack bag shithole they can get away with giving a $12 check once a week I'm a professional I'm gonna take an act away with him Kirk will go play somewhere else I'm doing

favors for people to run these stupid fucking shows you have a Kurt um do you think is it only been LA comics that have gotten these arguments with you? Like about anybody? It depends, is it mostly the LA comics? Yeah, the only people that were like anti, they should fucking pay her LA comics. Because it's like, that girl Jen Kirkman's got a day job, it fucking Chelsea lately.

And she's like, well, don't much, gonna collect cans if you- I saw that. Yeah, that was it. It's fucking just the respect that I got to come down from Washington Heights to your bullshit third theater. Yeah.

Give me fucking $20 out of the door that you charged assholes. What about that, what did you think about that quote in the New York Times article where he said that- I didn't want to read it. It's not, I was afraid. It's not a job. They look like they're having fun up there.

I don't know if you're saying that. I mean, talk about the gayest currency of all joy My girl came up with that and she said to Faggot. She's like that's the currency of Joy the currency of Faggot's fucking dude. I haven't made that up. I am that's the name of the podcast if you don't write that down currency of faggots but I don't know. That's a great. That's a great. It's pretty good. Not at least a sh- just like a sh- shitty hack fest. So wow, well let's say you know it is. It can't stop. There's a burrs out there, rogans out there. They're not from there. Well nobody's from there. Look, no, but look at every podcast in the top 10, they're all in LAA. but they're all from these coast except for Adam right of

course they are but you got L.A. you got to do a laundromat for no money and that's just how it's done and we don't have that shit here we have a coalition they got fucking they got fucking this the ms shit gigs I see fucking Kelley on she did a gig at 5 30 in the afternoon were they were they charging were they charging at the door I'm not paying you uh no so it's an open way it was a no It was a shot. That was a four o'clock. This is open micers have to work with a f***** comedy at four o'clock Yeah, that's terrible. What do you know the fucking birds of Sherpen? That's like a fucking kids coming up from preschool suffering the old folks all the time

That's just how does that but I mean look I'm not defending LA comics But I'm not gonna trash them just because That's such an old fucking LA. It's not the comics. It's I've been LA I lived in LA, but the mentality around stand up there sucks dick It's not that there's lots of good comics there. Of course there is I'm not saying that look get fucking Sebastian That's it Nates they would all take you get eight dollars on this weekend show and and they all deal with that like all right Well, whatever New York. We don't do there was a fucking we had a whole coalition here

I'm not paying you $12 here's a deal. You're absolutely right. I remember there's I still this checks for me at the improv and At Lafactor, I don't pick up because it's seven dollars and 13 cents Yeah, give it to charity because it I'm not gonna cash a check You know for that much money. I get it. You're making thousands of dollars doing that on purpose So you don't cash a fucking check. That's what the fuck that is I don't pick my checks out I would do We'll just set he goes and picks his checks. Thank you very much. But that shit's like an op.

Well, you get to work out. This is like the bullshit argument, say fuck it. Well, you get to experiment. I fucking do whatever the fuck I want. Any fucking place, what I'm getting a privilege to show up at your inbox theater. Get in here.

I do what I fucking want. What I'm saying. Sheriff of comedy. You are going online. His frontier is online. I'm comedy. You are going online. His front here is online. I'm the sheriff of me getting paid. Oh, I don't get a shit about anybody. It's a baby $15 on that show.

I wouldn't have said shit. Hey boy, hey boy. I'm going to do what I want. When I want to do it. Everybody could just not be a punk and be like, I'm honored to be here. Right? You from the east of the west. Mm-hm.

Join the crowd work. Yeah, you look like you got some dust in your blood, boy. Whoa. I've been down in the muck. I'm with the goddamn gators. Let me tell you something, boy. This is a goddamn gator fight. Woo!

Snappin' in a clappin' Snappin' in a clapping snapping in the clapping with You put card in a free comedy show on a Saturday Nobody's getting paid in this more for the year He's getting paid in this mouth. Yeah, that's like I'm not that's good. Oh my god.

Oh god. Listen, bro. Anyway, fantastic. So, Kurt Metzger. He's the dirty Harry of comedy. Listen, Kurt, why am I getting this text? One of my favorite people on the planet earth is Kurt Metzger.

Thanks, buddy. Listen to me. I understand why I understand that he's fucking trash in you, but you're trying to, I get your point, you should be getting paid. If they're paying $10 or $5 a person to walk in a club, you should get at least free drinks and you should get at least 20 bucks or 25 bucks for a cab

or a train or whatever the fuck boss, or whatever it is you took to get there. Yeah, that's all. They would rather, they just cancel the show. They'd rather instead of taking a thousand or 1200 just to not have a shit. It's stupid It's stupid they cast a show, but look I'm not saying that every comic sucks And I like I'm just saying the mentality around stand up there is terrible compared to here Well Doug Benson

I love Doug Benson. I'm not it's not it's just like why would you not be on my side about that? Well, yeah, but you look your let's just get that out there that you guys are friends. Yeah, I'm pretty arguing It's not that you're fighting with Doug Benson. No, Doug God damn it. I wish you were fighting now podcast would be the great I can promote it as Doug Benson It'd be on the front of it be on the front of a lap spin. Yeah, the sheriff of comedy's first is West and a WWE Multi fucking kissistil cage match Nobody nobody gets paid get Howard Finkel. It's the nobody gets paid Max Kurt Metzger intro whoever wins this fight

Hanging from parts unknown Kurt Metzger's eyebrow Damn a cock fight none of this shit has helped me anyway Lucky man. I get all I've done is hurt myself with that But with the thing yeah, of course, you're here among men open micers. That's worthless the same is nothing Yeah, you actually yeah, you're here among fucking for still here I'm a hero among people that all should not have getting paid got paid You're right. I should have like not I You're a lot of people that really should get paid. Oh, you're right. I just were like, no, I didn't mean you. The people that paid, the people that paid a perform are like, oh, he's a real hero.

I meant everybody, everybody who agrees with me, not you. The guys that are just fucking, not giving a shit about this whole thing. I mean, those guys. Yeah, that's who I meant. The guys that I have fucking coming on. Yeah, those guys. I have to talk to these other people. Man, dude, it's a fucking tricky situation. Well, it's just that one show, man.

I didn't say all their shows have to be free. They have free shows I'll do all the time. It was a Friday night, packed house, none of the door. Door being charged, none of it goes to you. Yeah. Well, do you need money? All the time.

Can we get him a job at the WWE Reading for somebody? Who do you want to read for? Oh, I want to write wraps for John Cena. He doesn't do that anymore. What is he doing now? He wasn't us kicking ass John Cena today is a follow wrestling so close and I haven't watched it in years Well, what what when did you watch it? I wasn't Philly and I was going to ECW arena You know the Paul Havens. It's with us now, right? Yeah. And he's just, yeah, good.

Can I just say this though? If they don't enhance his fucking presence, if they don't keep making him bigger, if he doesn't become the new Vince McMahon, there's something wrong with the WWE, he is fucking the best. I love Paul and actually I stopped watching wrestling for a long time and then we ACW started and I lived in Indiana my brother lived in Ohio and he would send me

ECW tapes and I was like oh my god. Yeah, that's awesome. So I started watching again and then WWE started the attitude here and then I just Well, you ever got a lot I mean obviously you did but you ever got a live wrestling show yeah I broke my toe at one which what would you say? How fucking the I was at The Boston Garden last one I saw was in LA at the stable center with the rock Brett Ernst fucking great guy I just met him I knew him like two days and then he's like you want to go see the rock?

I was like fucking yeah Fucking funny LA comic I'm not against LA guy you are That's what you said you said you hate LA comics I just say that you just say that I see what we know Brett is cool. Okay. I see you're a bit of a college. You're Brett. It's just cool He has to describe everything is strong all the time. What do you mean? But bro that was strong Dude fucking kill me he does do the only things in terms of strong dude that skateboard that's fucking a strong skateboard

That's how he says fucking yeah He took me to that and then I broke my toe at the Boston Garden the old Boston Garden Remember the parkay they used to have to take up the parkay for the Bruins game and then put it back down I'm not from there. Okay, well they We in fact and walk down fact and they still do there. Okay, well they hit. You know, we in fact, and walk down, they still do it. What are we on the hopper commercial together now? I don't know.

You fucking jog, I got my hopper. You jog, you shut up, you cook, you fucking suck a dick, hopper! I'm gonna punch my wife in the face. I'm gonna record this seven times, you fucking wha- Dude, if you see a show like that at a theater or wrestling it's not like easy it's not a small it's never small arena and you're really close I was just over there at Tony looks yeah

oh yeah Marko from the Jersey jerks took me to Tony looks and filly you have a man got the Rocky Robin pork uh there's wheels right there the fuck you told me what what? Broccoli Robin pork is

well I thought you called it the darkie. Broccoli. I'm sorry. I fucked up. That's me. I got the donkey Rob. Can I have the donkey Rob is in pork? I'm trying to get in shape and not fucked. I got the pork sandwich with cheese no block broccoli Rob. Fuck I don't like it. Don't try to don't say I fucked up short provolone broccoli Rob shot prevalent and no broccoli Rob because I don't like it. It's tart Fuck them cuts. All right. It doesn't matter. I don't like it, but it was the best sandwich I've ever had and one of top three I went twice

Yeah, it's only look is in three hours I went and did the Jersey jerks podcast and on the way back I go can we please go back? Well, I waited would have bought three sandwiches your first visit. That's that's surprising three hours I went and did the Jersey jerks podcast and on the way back I go can we please go back well I waited would have bought three sandwiches your first visit that's that's surprising I would have I would have I wish I bought three sandwiches and froze them and took them back to fucking New York they're good I ate it I went back the lady handed me my second sub three hours later and looked at me like double take like oh fuck you back the best sandwich ever in this place Tony Luke's

Boots Mother fuck me unbelievable and that's with the ECW Theater was right down the street at the bingo hall. Yeah, that was fucking crazy Bring your own weapons night, dude We brought like bait like stop signs and what baking trays and you give them and then new jack used them in the match Really but wait a minute New Jack's cool. Why do you know what the feelings like? It's like you're part of a lynch mall, but nobody gets hung for What the feeling of like we're together and in on this is really small

Sabu. Yes, Sabu holy shit number rhino. Yeah, no, Jean-Claude Van Dam John Claude no band-aid Rob Van Rob Van Rob Van Van then they have right now and they had um Tommy Dreamer Who's that? Tommy Dreamer was the best Yeah, no She's a genius As was great We know what I loved about Tommy Dreamer. He wore a t-shirt every time he wrestled and that's how I would wrestle

We're like I just keep my t-shirt on Because this is like fucking balls my owny Yeah Just gotta wanna take a look They all dress like the Brooklyn brawler from America I'm fucking balls my own Like the Brooklyn brawler What happened to special delivery? Did you remember that like the Josh who's been entrenched in professional wrestling for over a decade just looked at will Like do you remember when you like the paper boy song so there when you were kid right when the wwf Cartoon was on oh a whole

Cogan in front because the rest of the Saturdays and then what sucked is they would never the big guys wouldn't fight each other Yeah, it would only be a paper view. Oh, you might you might get a fucking rowdy Piper Piper's pay every month in a while jumping in she but then is it would be like whole Cogan versus the Brooklyn brawl Yeah, there's a guy that looks like my dad. How fucking great was Saturday afternoon wrestling. Oh, yeah, they create a double You did cartoons right create a double feature and then wrestling back Better now because the big guys fight each other. It's not like I want to ask you question real quick I'm sorry. Well, go ahead you guys with my bad bad leave-boy bow. Yeah, remember the round magic You play the music where you came out. Yeah, and he lost every time

Yeah, right he was a jobber, right? He was a hell of a cool. Yeah, there's a bunch of guys like that. I'm trying to think of who I'm glad he's brown I'm so glad we're brown. We finally figured out I was wondering why you were being so quiet Because we weren't talking about something. Well, no, we were talking about fucking huge hogs and shit that he can get in trouble for Yeah, and he couldn't jump in. Yeah, so I just out. You just laid out, and I'm sitting there going, oh, Jesus, now we've, I'm glad I fit as the host. That's nice of you. I appreciate that.

As the fucking host, I figured out, because I was very excited to have yawn, dude. And you started to be here. You're being quiet, and then, and it's weird that you're doing, you can't do that, but you do cocaine so freely. Yeah, well, hopefully we're gonna take a look at those pictures that are being taken here.

It's just how he's doing. I just want to to say it's nice to be back on the podcast and in between two men with huge penises Even though curts look like his is possibly having a stroke and his looks like a bit stung by a bee He's looking like he's got a blood clot dick. You gotta hit it. You gotta hit his dig with an epic pan It's like a ketchup bottle. It looks like if you took the toothpaste it didn't squeeze from the bottom like you're supposed to Just squeezed it in one part and it got big and little why are you looking at me while you're squeezing your iron dick in the air? Listen Kelly, we know your size point This is a fine line between you guys and back to Josh As the host I want to fuck it.

I'm gonna bring it back. I have a question for you, Josh. I know how this, I see I have to figure out how this show had to work. Is it why I hasn't willing to sex since 2007? Oh, I don't know the answer. I can really, I can really talk if it's about Dixiel sex. I can hang on one second, you know what?

Tell him what you meant, son. That's why you're got the professional Josh. Yeah, you're in front of the mic too Yeah, you get a fucking host you host the show every Friday That's what I do you host the show on Saturdays. That's what I do you this is what you do And that's why the professionalism always shines through you're the fuck you're a fucking great host on the straight God and thank you for helping me bring this show back to where it needs to go. I try now I'm gonna take it off the track. Why would you into why would you ruin it? Shut up. You're not doing anything. Oh my god. You're not doing anything. Whatever you're about to do

You don't mean it much or man action figure You fucking you just a climber could have gone You fucking you just a climber could have gone This fucking assholes looking out for his fucking shut up that you see be around to help the show more than Me stopping to yell about you see being was more of a help. Thank you so much You can I get a fucking a doll really a figurine. No fuck yourself. I Want to know I want to get back to that. Why? So you chose not to have sex.

When? In 2007? Let me tell you. You're going to tell it. Let me tell you. All right. Is it a long story? Yeah.

You're going to say it in your accent. Oh, super. Because it's going to be longer because we have to have it said twice. Listen, man. I was overweight. I was over weight. I was 200 microphone. I was 220 pounds. I was playing video games not stop

I was very that's my goal weight. How many kilos is that? Like 115 okay Something karma came back what you did in the past that made you get that I'll never make fun of your shitty ass and I get I just fucking this is set I burnt myself in the stupid light two weeks in a row. Yeah karma I mean, you get that. I'll never make fun of your shitty ass I'm gonna get it. I just fucking, this is sad. I burnt myself in the stupid light two weeks in a row. Yeah, karma. Huh?

You said karma. Thank you. All right, go ahead. So I, so someone, I get that phone. Something told me, someone told me, hey, who controls you? Your food or you? I'm like, oh shoot, at me. Wait, you are what you're eating. No

about I would just eat is it somebody or is it like are you talking a little bird or a spirit? I read somewhere black star black star I'm better way where where um who controls what do you control yourself or these things control you You're asking me no, no, I'm just telling telling what the thing told me what controls you the thing it's a thing sex I came up where I read this you read it you read it. Yeah, the book sex Be lazy is what we put you know So then I'm like you know what I control me and then then one and I'll have to prove it Did you say that out loud in a mirror or did you know I just went out and and it was my goal to control take control

Okay, one of the hardest things for me to control over is sugar and I finally got control over sugar I haven't had I haven't had the Zot since September Let me tell you how I did it y'all heard of Candida Candida Yees I what yeah, what is that? Yeah, Candida Yees Okay, you're actually saying that right Candida Yeesasts is what, the reason why most of us cannot stop being shagged because we have a buildup, condida yeast, like you see people have to think white thing on their tongue

or build up in your intestines. And your intestines, your intestines cannot absorb the nutrients. And what? Your intestines can absorb the nutrients and find out one second, Dan. Your intestines actually got absorb the nutrients Go ahead because the condi So I went on a condita cleanse for three weeks

Can you do that? Well you cannot have any sugar not so many things have sugar cash shoes has sugar cash shoes Go ahead keep coming alcohol has has sugar basically alcohol go ahead basically all I had all I ate for three weeks kale salmon and Almond almonds thanks Further man Three weeks I got rid of most of the Kudida my body and I gave I never crazed sugar again Did you know that's the same way Tom Cruise represses his homosexuality? Literally, he's like do I control dick or is it control me?

Do some sit ups and I'm gonna do what I can do to you God damn it man. That's fucking love you listen to me Okay, so what did you do to stop eating pussy fucking steak? Cash use Okay, so what did you do to stop eating pussy fucking steak? Cashews and Did you know pussy they're sugar? The pussy has sugar. It's good. See I got my yeast

Pussy makes your tongue white who controls me The sugar pussy so I want I set out to like you know what next time I have sex with girls gonna be a girl that I like I'm gonna have sex with nothing got me love I ain't got Mario, but I've been dating a lot of losers Like will you also have to find a chick that can fit you because you have a piece? Okay Listen to me. I want to I want it but that's been how long the four years I haven't been dating that much shish How long have you not had sex to that March 2007? It's 2013

Well, you know you know this your dick's gonna die if you don't use it. Did you know that? That's a fact? Every night big dick people if they don't use it They lose an inch every five believe in my heart The dick for like cross-butt if I I take that you're in my heart. The dick three. I'm full of love like crossbutt. If I, I take that thing out three times a day just to make sure. Listen to me. You, you haven't had sex with a woman.

Now we talk in physical, like I mean, talking, sticking your peepee in or getting a blowjob or a hand job or eating something. You haven't done anything? I had a blowjob. You had a blowjob, what was his name? Benang, Ben, or don't bomb, squat. I don't get the band down, because I'm gonna do that.

But also, that she drowned from your backed up fucking Sugarless Haitian sperm that you've Sugarless blasted out like a truck in fire. Will's actually using his dick to insulate new halls. Will to shot like built up 9-11 Jews all of this for the whole Yeah, they actually use them at the fucking airport when it's explains on fire Just put up to fucking wow

It's three words Literally word team Booby and a poor girl that took that on she had no idea Wow, she's a shotgun blast I know we're not So not that not that night. All right, sorry. Give me just give me the thing now I would not. So not that not that night. All right, so I give me just give me the thing now.

I'm doing some mouth fish. I'll just put it on before you say what I was going to say. That's the first time ever. I'll say something. Yeah, I'll bring it back. Don't worry. No, it always ends with me back. It's been done.

My next two things I need to spend in. That's the first time you've ever, that's the first time anybody's ever get in the band end of my request. I was like, he started, he's like, I was like, yeah,, just kidding so you haven't had sex since 2007 you had one blowjob two blow jobs three blow jobs To Bobby two blow job, but I'm not big into blow job. Let me shush any finger popping Yeah, I finger pop. I love finger popping. You love finger popping. So you've been finger popping. Yeah, but you don't stick your penis in a woman I don't care the condoms of my own I had girls that try to get me doing without a condom Like I can't do that. Yeah, I never do that either

My You have You have you have AIDS fingernails I don't have any you do you know you do it's a kid. That's all I ever you do what all I've ever had was age What they should be the HBV human papaluma verse. I know for the day. I don't even know I had that but it's PID that's all I ever you do what all I've ever had was age PID what they should be a human papaloma virus I know I know I had that but it's somebody got everybody has it. Yeah, I wrote four to five sexually I think I think some kid has my AIDS and in Haiti to be honest with you like God took my AIDS that I should have had I have to be Haiti yeah exactly because that's why that's because they made

That's how Roberts and told us about Listen mate will will will so you you're only gonna have sex into course with a woman that you like in your Any relationship with that's when you're gonna break your chest to the seal Not necessarily You don't listen. I've been listening you said that you decide you said He said to me and I was like who and you like them and I'm like who's them in the thing and I'm like what a book And you go I think so I don't remember I

Controls you I'll try to tell you how I got grab control over these urges there Right people just give into you're trying to control your urges. Yes, and it started out with food So I got with food and started out with playing but I gave my video game my PlayStation and my Xbox I gave it to my my cousins and my so you gave them the disease My no, but you know people just play big is all day. I used to do that all day So you gave that to somebody else. You passed on your disease. How good are you? How good at video games?

I'm thinking of calling out of my spot. You know, King, you know, King. Yeah. I did all the grappling moves. That black crack crack crack. And then you know, this is audio, right? But the fuck that was nobody's gonna ever see. One black guy, one black guy in the cubicle. Like that motherfucker probably just did that move Wait, you told me that techin I knew what you're talking about yeah, hey, so you so you haven't had Take a song take a song that's three that's six years. You haven't had sex. Who's counting me?

Everybody in the room. We took me ten minutes to do the breath in my head. So six years you have an head sex. I'm gonna smash it. I'm gonna smash some eye this year. I'm gonna smash it. Oh jeez. I feel bad for that point. Can we do it on the show? She's gonna, like, slide back like my name at fly from the back of the future. Nothing's worse than a motivated big dick. It's gonna be a rocket ship man. She's got this fucking walking in about to lay a hammer down on it. Can we do it to Kelly? No way.

Would you mind re-activating anal fisher? I couldn't handle it, he's taking it too big. You know, Will's always coming to the parties. Any party that will come to, he has like six fucking hot chicks with him. And that's been for years and you've never bang these brats You're just friendly with them girl girls don't really like me like that. They do. Yeah, are you kidding me? You're not listening Shredded and he's got a fucking piece sat and watched Will and I watched a girl We were we were let me and Karen and we were all sitting laughing watching talk to this girl

They clearly wanted a bang and we knew God damn well you're gonna fuck her and she was doing all those things that mystery teaches you to do No mystery the game. Yeah, the game. She was doing all the tells of like please give me some Haitian ween Well guys, I just want to say this is that do you guys like headphones? this is that do you guys like headphones? Do it like headphones Bobby and wearing some right now. I love headphones you listen to music. I sure do. Do you like music? I love music.

Do you talk on the phone with your headphones? All the time. If I could, do the other. I'll get brain tumor. Let me tell you this right now. Tweakedaudio.com has some of the best headphones. How much? Right now.

If you're a fan of the show if you go to tweaked audio dot com We like Twitter or tweet tweak like tweak that down Tweak the nipples will spell if we have to the show like we'll do that Jesus Twinksy Kelly tweet audio dot com if you go there and use the promo code dude D U D E yeah, you get 33% off. That's fucking huge Headphones of these dude. Well, these are all kinds of headphones. You get seven different colors.

You get the seven different colors, seven of the style, blue, red, green, wood, all kinds of stuff. Mike, non-miked. So if you don't want to use the phone, which I think you're stupid if you don't, but if you have a phone that has a mic, the non-miked, crazy design, style a phone that has a mic, the non-mic, crazy design style, great

for music, talking, engineer for durability, noise-reducing design, compatible with iPad, iPhones, androids, MP3 players. If you have an MP3 player, you're fucking, you're from, when will, used to fuck. So right now, go to tweakedaudio.com, they're fans of the show, and they're fans of you, and they wanna hook you up with some great headphones. And these are good because, you know, I was telling the Kelly, I have $1,500 headphones.

I have $500 headphones. These headphones right here, I don't wanna extend it all. On headphones, they break, you know? You lose them, you break them, you leave them on a train, you leave them in a cab, you wanna be able to work out in them, and they have $20 headphones here.

17, they have $30 headphones. They're cheap, but they're durable, and it's a great, what's up, Dan? Do they have the earbuds that you control the volume? They do. They have all that. I'm gonna go buy three pairs right now. Go buy three pairs, but use the promo code, dude.

Dude? Dude. Dude, I just typed that into everything I buy anyway. Yeah. And you're gonna get the code. It's like, I know the promo code on dude dude. Just I can do I just type that into everything I buy anyway Yeah, and you're gonna get the curts like I know the promo code on a virtual card dude That's I want that People on my penis and I'm gonna say dude to girl and I hope that get W3% off She's gonna be hoping for the hey hey Josh is gonna get fired

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TWA K ed You are delicious. Oh God I'm so frightened What is that I just imagine Kelly lay on a bed go come on bring it Listen, it's probably awesome because I'm gonna be ready Yeah, like mad Max Probably like she probably like all in she probably still like fat on the inside Yeah, really like does don't leave any like it's probably awesome. Yeah, push these

This is She's gonna fat chick. It's not tell you something tell you something please in the seven grade. I just think big girl. You stopped going to school I think big girls Had more for John I know what for John when I thought big girls have more for John to give like you know Big girls have big titties so I thought they had big big bigger for John I guess that pussy or a poly pussyussy. I remember it from 2007 at least That is that actually is true What the bigger your titties are the bigger vagina just the outer lips not the whole no inside. It's huge

It's Kevin. That's not true. It's an absolute fat I fuck fat pussy and it was tight. It was very tight hitting him like the fat weight Jim Jeffries I spoke about that about no Jeffries Jeffries. I don't know you know Jim Jeffries I know who he is. I didn't say I don't know Jim Jeffries. I don't know if he's joke. I am high So I know stop it fucking blame me. I'm not I mean some of the 28 years and you y'all that me because you can't hear I play that on everyone else, but me for my problems. So listen Josh, back to you. I'm seg weighing back to you. Took a short while.

Yeah, you can do that. You can bench press a guy. He's not a wrestler, will you? He works for the WWE. Tell me what you do. Tell us a go. Tell Will what you do. I do the play by play announcing for our Friday night show.

I recognize a voice. I recognize your face No, you don't know you don't know But you can't say that's If someone says they recognize well, I'm like that you're racist. That's what I say immediately so So you but you're also a personality. You're not just an answer. You're a personality Well, it's been a long time. So I think people the character. Yeah, I've come in and out of doing different matches and things of that nature in a tag teamed a couple of times on SmackDown. How you got that job?

How you got that job? It's such a good idea. It's not a 99 or just any job. WWE and MTV did a TV show, a reality show called Tough Enough. And I was on that show. You were good on it, too. Thank you, I appreciate it. Maven is a...

Maven won. But you were awesome. Thank you, thank you. I don't think it's the rest. As a wrestler, you're on trying to be a wrestler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got real far, too. To the finals, yeah.

Also, who was the wrestler first? First, yes. And then you started talking. Then I realized that I was five, nine, 160 pounds, and couldn't actually I still was Mentor-mendi shaped dude cuz that's like I didn't look like well. Did you see him with a shirt off? I mean no, but I saw this pants off and it's way better. That would be a great rest of you had a community

We're gonna I should have a really should never stop his finishing movies. He hit you with his cock the song clock the song clock He's gonna take out his car He's got up here Oh, then he takes his dick and puts it over you and rest it out so you can't get up. That's how he's like It's like it's like Thor's hammer Here comes his sock just puts it on. Sorry. That's all right. Why are you sorry? It was great I'm good man. You're good man. I didn't get mad. I was just turning it down. You're speaking out

You're doing a cute band. out. You're doing it. It's a cure, Ben, sorry. I'm sorry, Ben. I never had a father. His cocks cut up. He's cocks got up. You're out. Now you're just a little loud.

You're peaking out. That's all. You get a limb to control the mic like Mariah Carey. Heeey. Yeah, I did it over there. His cocks got up. His cocks got up. Yeah.

And then you go back in i'm back in the order there you learn how to do rain and then you saw the app in well you uh... what happened was i moved back to chicago uh... i did the independent wrestling bit for a while and then they had a reunion special in new york and i came out

and i was twenty years old and i'm in time square and empty these like here's a bunch of money just go run around and act like a fucking idiot for a little while for a few days and one of the guys from WWE was with me and he went to his boss and he was like we got a higher this kid to do something, whatever it is and so they offered me a job doing the announcing and then it was the interviews and now I do SmackDown. Wow, that's crazy.

So what you get paid like a gang load of money? Why are we really- Stop so much, can you please translate like a gang alone of money. Why are we stop so much? I get can you please translate with a gang load of money is Is that a month are you compensated fairly for your talents? I do okay? I do okay listen you don't have to answer that but do you make a lot of money? I want to know if I can quit comedy This fucking podcast shit can I go

I'm gonna make this fucking podcast shit. Can I go to the WNP? It's funny because I talk to Sam all the time. He's like, why do you want to do what we do when you do what you do? I'm like, no, I want to, you know, I want to do both. You want to do both. Yeah, you want to do stand up? You want to do stand up? No, I don't want to do stand up, but I like the podcast idea.

And you know Sam. Who's Sam? Sam Roberts from, oh, and Andy. Oh, he's actually from the Bob and Sam show. The Bob and Sam show. Sam the one that he got circumcised as an adult and was like peeling off like. What?

And I'm minding. Wow, you really are high. No, I think I knew who that is. Sam Roberts is on the ONA show. He's a producer. Yeah, on air producer. On air producer. I think he's funny as a show.

On after the ONA is called ONA Live, when I'm on it, it's uh... i think he's funny is a show on after uh... the only school in a live when i'm on it is the bobby and sam show when who kid in my myself around it is the bobby who kid in sam show but he'll he'll fight that but anyways it he's i love a show it's a great show he's fucking a larry in uh... he's a friend of the show he's been on a bunch of times but uh... who kid was on and then later in the day, I follow him on Twitter and Lisa and my favorite porn star

was legitimately on his show right after I left. Right. I was furious. So what did you say that to say? That Lisa Ann was on. He's trying to say it out there in case one of them hears it. He can get hooked up at Lisa Ann. Like he was trying to get a macho mandal. He's a fucking opportunist cockfuck.

I was hanging out Joe DeRose the last time. Yeah, he's just a fucking, I mean, he's an awful, it's where it's rubbing off on. Oh my God. DeRose, I was sitting in my dressing room being a dick. Oh God, good for him. So now when you were wrestling, did you get hurt? Did you get fucked up?

Never seriously hurt. Really? Which was weird, because we even started when we were kids, and we had a wrestling ring in our backyard. Right. And is this you? That's me. The black gloves.

It's a wrist tape. Where's the guy next to you in that picture? That's the one that banged in. That's the one that's called Ziggler. Yeah, that was Amy Schumer. I had her try to write a sketch for him in the show. I don't know if it worked out. Is that you as well?

That would be me as well, yeah. Why, you look so different. Yeah, I'm before hair gel. I had hair gel before that match started, and it went away during, I think I had gel. I had gel. What's a hair gel? Hair gel.

I made the interpretation works both ways. I see it. Well, hair gum. Hair gum, the hair gum. That white boy hair shit. This is, we'll also hear it with an accent. I understand. I'm the hang on the white boy head shit We'll also hear's with an accent So you so you when you wrestled you wrestled in the WWE three times that's it

That's it. I'm undefeated. I've never lost I'll wrestle hang on hang on hang on hang on shut up Listen you wrestled three times and then you got your walking papers? No, no, no. It just over the course of a storyline, when I was employed there, as I'm stoned, employed there, they were like, hey, we have this deal where we want you to get involved in an angle.

Do you want to do this? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. And it led to two matches. The final thing was I did a what we call a I got I interfered in a match. Paperview match. What do they call that? Between Booker T and John Bradshaw Layfield. They had a championship match and I did a run-in. That's what we call a runner world. That was great. I remember that. Yeah, and I JBL, but I still call JBL still wanted I cost Booker the championship.

And that was the end of that day. Dan wants to know if you have a rock t-shirt It didn't get I do I think I'll stop it Do you know anybody So after that you went to then would you go after that? I was still doing commentary before that during that and after that So you when you were in the you came in commentary thought and went back to commentary You never in the you have a WWE when you first came in you were in always an announcer Always the announcer. Yes, when I before I came to WWE I was doing the independent scene wrestling and you ever do ECW no

They were already bought by WWE at that point was it vicious was the independent team vicious? I just hated it. I can I have a few friends and what you guys do in synopsis I think it's the open money. There's a lot like that If you don't get pay will send you to fix there you see be a We don't pay the rest here to experiment with the rest We don't pay the rest here they get to experiment with the rest of the Can you military press somebody? That shows how strong you are can you military?

Child no that do when I see wrestlers military problem at all shoot it's called the gorilla press Military press oh Christ, Dan What the fuck is that all right? Well, what is it military or You said military and you said gorilla yeah military Well, you did it it was called the girl maybe maybe he's doing it to save his fucking dignity You know, you know say that day gorilla dick to save his fucking dignity. You know, you know, say that they gorilla dick. I think we have a new name for the podcast. Will does it the same diet as a gorilla at this point. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Like an announcer, did you know you could do that? No, I had to be a wrestler. Yeah, but I was also going to school for TV radio production. So I assumed that I would be doing something on the broadcast side of things.

But it's such a worked out. Do you have fans on Twitter because you have a lot of Twitter fans? A ton of Twitter followers, yeah, I'm shocked by how many I have. Why are you shocked? I have almost 300,000 in this one. All right, let's not get carried away. It's 100,000. Hey, it's 207. And 203. I'll look at, take it from somebody with 56,000. All right, let's not get carried away. It's under three. Hey, it's 27 and it's 23.

I look at take it from somebody with 56,000. And so let's fucking three you do not use that name. You don't use that number. 296. No, no, you can use that at 301. That's what you get there. 300,000. And not until that God damn it. I like that Bobby's given a wrestling program right now about Twitter. Listen, so you have all these people on Twitter, but do you have people And not until that God damn it. I like that Bobby's giving a wrestling program right now about Twitter.

Listen, so you have all these people on Twitter, but do you have people that hate you? Do you get fucking oh my god I get a ton of hate tweets. I mean they're just vicious. Yeah, because we've been all comics I love the comics and entertainers are starting to hate Twitter. I love it They're starting to hate these fucking pieces of shit that just sign on and are just mean for no fucking reason Yeah, and I love it. They're starting to hate these fucking pieces of shit that just sign on and are just mean for no fucking reason Yeah, and I love it. So you get that too tons and I block everyone that you don't even know I don't even know I don't even know what I but I also don't retweet Compliments because it'll be like hey jasher awesome. Hey jashy fucking suck. So I don't retweet the compliment I just block everything I read every compliment I get twice

so we'll retweet and I retweet that retweet I follow Will on Twitter and he hits this pace that is just god awful to read he's just saying we have a conversation with people complimenting him where he's like thank you retweet love will subit and you. What a great show. By the way, that wasn't racist. That actually wasn't between you, you just put out.

Not Eastern University. That's what it was. But then every tweets is like, thank you. How are you doing? The guy's like, good. How are you? It's like seven retweets. Well, correct.

Actually, I'm going to do a show called, I don't even go on, this is what a loser I am. I'm a lot of Facebook, dude. Yeah, but you're on Facebook, you a show your podcast a year along the asshole That's called I'm the asshole where he fucking confronts fans Oh, haters He'll confront people it's if you want to hoot if you want to really read some shit. That's funny Go to his Facebook. He'll just go out with a fan until the fan gives up

Facebook he'll just go out with a fan until the fan gives up No, some do but a lot of them like stay on like a lot of people they hate my guts like end up staying on best move ever pulled against Kurt Mezker what oh a guy raised all his I got me in a fight and then erased all his comments, so I'm just talking to no one So it looks like I'm just talking to no one. It looks like a hook. It looked he looked seriously when they got killed. Wow, you got me there. That's fucking amazing.

He fucking it went because I had like 20 things back and he just pulled out and it just me tall. Oh, so you erase yours? No, I left. I mean, it was funny. I was fucking right there. It's out there except what I said. It looked like Kurt was just fucking top of those.

I mean, that is what I do with myself Literally that like it's not like it's very like that. It's very interesting. I'll ask you a self I just before they had this shit I would just be like a homeless person just like And then they have a computer you could just go do it on That's how this happened too bad the honest isn't here because he'd just be Come on, come on baby Talk about your Facebook

No one has ever said this to bad the honest isn't here. Can you please before you wrap that around as fucking Like a gay night regazzi So so Josh you it's funny to me because I know comics we get it. But I wonder, I see people in entertainment business, like actors or singers. And I wonder if you get that fucking, those people just evil fucked up people. We have long drives every Monday between wherever Roy's to Smackdown is.

It's usually about 250 miles or so. Right. And a bus? No, no, we, and when we drive, the drives usually consist of us reading our Twitter feeds and laughing, like, oh, because we have, there's what Matthew says. So a guy will quote literally like everything I say,

and then Michael Cole has one of what Cole says. So we'll read them back and forth, and just laugh at each other, and then read all of the hate tweets. And it's very funny, It gets us through long drives. So that's funny. Do they pay for the cause? And is everything expense on a credit card and you just turn it into them?

Well, we're different from the boys, the wrestlers. Colin and I are employees of the company. Okay. So when I leave my house on Sunday as an employee, most of everything I do gets expense. And somebody does a few. Do you have to set up? No, no, I do all my own. have a really cool app it's called concourse you just take a picture of your receipt and it sends it and that's it wait really yeah it's awesome called concourse c o n c you are yeah you take your receipt take

a picture of it you put it in his lunch or whatever and you submit the expense of the report later so concur so concur my bad I don't know I know i'm starting to understand what i've what i've noticed with uh... wrestlers to the bottom and take have buses as it like uh... rule that's when you get to a certain status i of course i'd see m has one i'm going to instead of instead of flying everywhere the fuck it big show has a bus now i'll tell you why it made sense to me that the buses

because first of all flying first class which these guys have to do is Expensive as shit and renting a bus is probably ways itself out over time and and then and it's a total tax write-off for them to have a bus And it's way more comfortable. Yeah, okay, because I sat next to big show on a first class Flight and I was I was in shock. I would you know me, I can't, I'm a mosh mouse when anybody famous or somebody I like. And he sits next to me. I'm such a fucking pandering douche. I just wanted him to talk to me and I said, do you want the window seat?

And he looked at me and goes, I can't fit. Because he's so big, he can't, he'd have his help tilted the whole way because the shape of the plane. I didn't even fucking put that together. And then he went to sleep and he was, you know, He's so big, he can't, he'd have his health till the whole way because the shape of the plane. I didn't even fucking put that together. And then he went to sleep and he was, you know, he's breathing fucking sleep apnea up the...

Pfft. I, well, I just say I don't fully believe you, Fit, either. No, that was actually my, that was actually in a thin. Oh, it was one of my skinnies. Oh, but two shay, it was my, I think it was my fourth skinny. But I actually, then he actually said something to me at the end. Asked me some question about my headphones. It was one of those and I just went off on a rant. Oh, these are this, and they do this.

And you know, tech ball. Were they from Tweet Daudium? No, they weren't from Tweet Daudium. If they were, I could have summed it up a little quicker. And got him through, he turned off. He turned away halfway through my fucking spiel. He shut his eyes and got... He just heard that. But I was like, wow, this must suck for him to have to go to the airport, go through security,

get to the fucking gate. Those chairs don't fit this motherfucker. And then he has to be in first class, sit in the aisle. His elbow is getting fucking bump by the dumb stupid flight attendant. A bus. You know what's so much sense is the great colleague. Are you familiar? It's I am.

He's over. He's seven foot probably 400 pounds. So he lives in Texas and a lot of the smaller plans, the ERJs are 50 cedars. So they have to buy them two two seats but he still has to like it's very funny to witness him try to get into both seats and then his feet are in the aisle and it's it's uh... and he can't afford a bus

no he can he's not one of those guys that can both drop her yeah what is the sun like what do you have to do to get a bus like what's the thing like when the belt or just no no i just think it's once're comfortable with you know where you're right in your life And I think the bus runs anywhere between like 150 to 200,000 dollars a year So it's not then no, but you go buy bus gay building glasses. That's what the bus who gave you a glass Gabriel and glaciers. Thank you. Well most of the guys now do own their buses

I think it's better for the taxes. You own a bus. And yeah, everything's right off to you. And then you set, but the thing is you have to hire a driver. That's another right off. But, you know, getting a good driver is very, you have to be really careful with the driver. Because, you know, a lot of these buses go off the road because, you know, the driver on tourgasm,

great guy, but I swear to God, he was doing heroin and banging hookers every fucking stop I came back in my bed once and I found bloomers like legitimate fucking bloomers from the 18th century Big women underwear. He fucking got a lot lizard a lot lizard Fuck there in my bunk and I go up front I remember one time like where I'm up front I used to smoke and I'd have to go up front, I remember once I'm like, where I'm on the front, I used to smoke and I'd have to go up front with him

and they shut off the partition and I get to smoke right in a little stairwell and he drive and he'd be like, I'm on my computer, he goes, dude, do this. This is what he goes, Google, nice, plus bad foot. And I Google it and the worst thing I've ever seen in my life, it's a chick in the war, and she got her leg blown off, and she's in a gurney with a, but you can look right up her as fucking skirt and see this awesome pussy, but just meat hanging off her knee.

Well, I see a streak being broken here. Nice girl, you've been waiting for? Nice push, bad foot. And he's like, it's fucking it's got a nice pussy right? I'm like oh god, so you got to be careful of the who hired him well I don't know who the fuck hired him, but there's a lot you got to make sure they're up Fucking yeah watch I'd come out and you see him nodding off every walk out. I'm like I will fuck But yeah, I think that's great. See, I'm punk's bus is fucking awesome. Writing on a bus is the best transportation

I've ever had in my life. I've been on, we did that totally. Well, very specific, kind of bus. Not yet. I don't just mean buses. Good, traveling gig to gig. If you could, if you are that big, because even it's the same way in our business just all of us a flying coach in this room Trust us. Yeah, but you were bus. Yes. If you still taking an actual bus

Not you're not gonna fucking law buzz. Not the m16 up fucking Broadway. Yeah, no, I'm talking about I think yeah, megabuses Toa buses. I'm saying it's called toa buses It is yeah, it is that But here's a deal. I'm in respect your penis. What I'm saying is the best form of travel I've ever I've ever had. And I've been on the G5 G4 when Dane did that big tour. He did he just did the He did the you know private planes. It was great But it still wasn't as comfortable driving rock. There's something about the rocking motion in the bunk Being able to get up and just fucking watch TV play Xbox

You have blast on the road and you wind up at the gig. It's so fucking relaxing and let so There's no stress to it at all as soon as you're done with the gig get on the bus. You're eating you're watching TV Okay, as much luggage as you want Yep, you can do that too you carried as much as much luggage as you want. Yep, you can do that too. You carried as much luggage. Thank you, I appreciate it. Yeah, it's all good.

So I thought that was interesting that a lot of them are doing that now, that's great. So what's going on with you? What's happening with the Smackdown? What's going on? What's happening? Well, this Friday is actually the first ever social media Smackdown.

So we're gonna do live commentary. The show was actually taped last night. I just landed this morning in From Oklahoma City, but we're gonna go to the studio and call the show live. So we'll be able to read live tweets We can do live polls. This will be the first time we're ever doing that. So it's a test, but um, I Think it's gonna be successful. So we'll see how it works out. Have you ever fucked up and just fucked up on the air and swore, you know, say fuck or everything? No, and it's funny because I was reading the email going back and forth between how they're gonna do this thing

on Friday, and it was like, you know, we're very confident that our announcers won't swear. So we've never sworn on the air. The only thing that's ever happened to me was, I legitimately got a bloody nose live on Monday night raw ones during and on camera. Did you see a ghost? And it was the most embarrassing thing ever.

It was just, no, I was just talking and all of a sudden just blood and I was like, oh, there's nothing I can do to fix that. What did you do? Just turn my head and try to hide away. And then they quickly cut away realizing like, oh man, he's got a bloody nose. Is there a video on what it was? What caused it? No, no, I have deviated septum since I'm a kid. so it was dry air and I just happened to get a bloody nose live on TV

They show any of it on TV. Yeah It's cut out of like the the master real and all that but I think it actually some of it made live Television yeah, yeah, that sucked. I would have had a hyperconjure panic so well dude Well, I started freaking out which made it only bleed more so it was very I Open up you get scared it bleeds more is that I think if you get nervous and in your your heart starts pumping I was coming out of my ass nervous blood It's just my nervous blood. It's come oh man. Well, let me tell you something dude. Thank you so much for coming on

I appreciate it. I I'm sorry. It took me fucking 15 minutes to figure out That's okay. We got there. You can't talk about huge cocks. No, no He's probably near some of the biggest in the business and he can't bring them up But we got to a comfortable place. Yeah, I figured it out. Well, you know what? It's funny on my show. I usually have comics on every once in a while to act or someone outside the of our entertainment Sphere, yeah, we destroy their career. Well, here's a deal is that I even on my Twitter I stopped being I used to fucking cut this and that but then I got on that CBS show a year and a half ago And they watch your Twitter feed, the exact watch your Twitter feed.

You know, the higher ups retweeted me. Robert De Niro's second in command retweeted one of my tweets and I was like, oh my God, here I am. What I'm tweeting, what I'm putting out there could get me fired from a fucking my gig. And it's just the way it is So I stopped then and then when I was on the one we shut the pilot for FX and now I'm on travel channel that pilot We just shot you have to be careful because those people They follow you you don't even know they're following you and they're watching what you say and here you are even as

We're comics I get it. We have the right don't, because if you say something that's fucked up and offend them, it could get them in trouble, they have the right to go, okay, fuck you. Well, was there any follow-out? Was there any follow-out from the onion tweeting about the girl from the Oscars? Oh, yeah. What, how do you say her name?

I don't know how to say it, that's why I say her name. Ask Will. Because that came from the actual net. Like the onion news deal, it wasn't like one person, but but I mean which my app beat out last year for comedy app of the Sweet little girl to call her that what did you what's your name will? shoe font I You font

What's that is gonna say black star? Black star black star. Well, I don't know. I don't know what happened with that. The call to the C word. What again, it's the example of whatever you put out there, people are seeing. Yeah, I mean, look with look with that fucking dude called um, well look, her mom's a C word for naming her that, but she's an angel. But it is true. I mean, I, it is, you can't just put yourself out there because you're on a podcast or

on Twitter or on Facebook. Some guys can. And I love guys who are fully committed like that. I'm a fucking comic. I make my money doing comedy. I'm a piece of shit. I don't give a fuck off. I don't care who likes me, who doesn't.

But we could stand hope Stand up. Yeah, it's fucking. He's all he's just been that guy and you gotta respect stand up Yeah, he is what he is and that's it, you know, that's fucking it. This is what I do and he that's why he's a brilliant fucking stand up He's committed to a real as there's no fucking B plan Yeah, you know, I you know I myself my I like I want to I just spent all week I did five auditions, you know going into all these places trying to be Barry Brian Fucking Steve Detective Rob Paul. I mean trying to you know, and if these nice casting ladies who treat me fucking great and

You know that Robert how you doing it? I had lady today, an audition, I should have tanked. I should have tanked. I sucked, fucking sucked. And she wouldn't let me leave without getting it right. She goes, let's try it again. She goes, you feel bad by the way. You're going audition, you didn't even feel like going to. And you're like, kind of suck at it.

And then they sit there and like, come on, try it again. You're like, oh, no, I feel ashamed of myself. I've had it the other way with it. Like, okay, thank you, good job. And I know I sucked and they just let you walk out and they don't care because you fucked up, you fucking lost your shot. Goodbye, see you later.

This lady actually, you know, was like, let's do it again, try it this way. Almost like an acting teacher until I got it to where it was presentable to the people she was trying to sell it to, to show, sell me to. So, you know, I give a fuck. I don't want this, I had a,

one of the casting ladies, Mom, is a fan of mine. So God forbid she goes to my Facebook and I'm calling some dude a fat con and making fun of a sick fucking shitty kid who has leukemia. Jesus, who was that? Who was that? This the guy who fucking was on Facebook has leukemia. Jesus, who does that? This the guy who fucking was on Facebook last week that he said,

Did I leukemia? I don't know. He was fucking having a benefit and I was holding it. But I don't do it anymore. I block people, gone. I'm not arguing with you. I'm not dealing with you. Good to fuck by.

And I don't, I do, I don't go nuts. But you don't have to fight them that way where you get like upset, you know? You know what it is? I don't think that I'm, it's who you, I had to figure out who the fuck I was. Right. Because it is a dilemma.

As a comic, you wanna be as real, you wanna be as honest as you possibly can, who you are. So am I a guy who doesn't give a fuck about people? No, I'm not I give a fuck about people Am I gonna go after this guy's kid because I can yeah, but I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do it I wouldn't go I'm somebody sick kid because they're a dick on Facebook like that's a weird you got to keep it like Surgical to what because it's good thing about people some guys Some guys do though. Some guys do. Right, they do. These motherfuckers are attacking us. Civilian civilians, dude, will are meaner than any comic and they immediately go to the worst,

worst shit I've ever heard in my life. But just someone insulting you on social media is such like, like they lose automatically because you have all the time in the world to respond to them. But here's the thing, I don't. I have shit to do. I gotta fucking, I would call on. Here's the thing thing, I don't, I have shit to do. I gotta fucking, I would call. Here's the thing, I had two auditions today,

two yesterday, one, I had to wear and fucking 50 pages of text, I have this podcast to do. I gotta promote my show this weekend. I'm fucking hustling all the, I don't have, I don't mean literally all the time. I just mean, I do it five minutes, that's like long enough to get something. But here's the thing, this is why I love what you do,

because you have the ability and your personality to deal with that, not on a personal level. You know what I mean? I do take it, you know what's funny man? I look at it like practice, because of things like if I've had a meltdown on stage for like a while, but I've had a like a creamer thing with every race you could think of, I've had a creamer,

like fuck everyone that looks like you moment, right? And it's like, you know, it's not a, it's like practice. It's like, I'm not in the moment where I have to have two seconds to come up with something. Just two minutes, if I have two minutes to respond, I win, you know what I mean? Yeah, I know, but here's the thing is I get too angry. I get too, I don't wanna go to fucking bed

with fucking teardrop, fucking billy, but you're watching that's the thing. That's the thing. I don't wanna go to bed. I wanna go to bed block by sea. But see, look, I get that, because I have the same, I'm overly sensitive, but it helps you deal with it.

It helps me like conquer that. It does. To let these idiots talk to me. Here's the thing is you gotta go on and on. I don't, I don't, goodbye. But my point is not even these fucking assholes. My point is you have to, you, Josh, can't just come on this show

and talk about fat cocks because if someone gets that back to this person and then a little kid goes, um, Josh was talking about, what is, what is big black Haitian cock? I answer to a higher power basically. Right. Yeah, your paycheck. Wait, Bob, I would do that.

No, not only that, but it's just the company that I've been associated with for nearly 12 years. Not just, not just. You don't want to share your eat, listen, I get if you get in a salary like that and you're on a thing, I totally get that. There's right what you're gonna say you audition one never pointed me Ever you can't point this I'll use five Five points in one wheel what I was wrong with your don't hold a black fist up in this

How you can do your album you are this shit Want to write down with shit and put yourself in your own movies? I do. I wrote a book. I wrote a movie that was in Tribeca a year and a half ago that led me to a f**k, an FX script deal that I wrote. I got into the right of Union because of that and I wrote a book that was a f**king hit, made a lot of... You said that you're like, I got like almost two million hits on YouTube What's that it's called I still have a soul so why don't you do this why don't you just bring that up instead of Fucking put in myself a steam on the line having to go through my resume Why don't you just bring up your fucking two million hits you want to go two million in one for my show

I look dude you you wanted the biggest comics around listen man. Is that a fat joke? Dude don't say no like you haven't you want to suckers have been biggest comics of on listen man. Is that a fair choke? No. Dude, don't say no like you haven't you want to talk to have been You want to be I didn't even think of it. It's a job. I got to watch my words. You want to find this comics of I own you can feel like you're gonna say your words from now. It's your words. There's a lot of thing you have to do words not watch the translate is going to the bathroom with struggling. Go ahead. And and you actually and successful yeah, so I would figure it someone like you have either you write or writers I do I do I have I'm writing

No shit, I'm right. I but I do I'm writing you yeah, you had some us a long story about Rocky look at man I'm writing shit all right. I was just I have people that I'm writing with I do I do this podcast I do every week too. I mean I have a network that I run with Rob Sprance. I'm doing a I'm doing I'm not just doing comedy I have a million things I'm doing other than Standup comedy I'm doing that plus I'm on the road like a regular comic I'm I'm on the road every other fucking week or every week trying to promote that shit So I am doing that but auditions of a part of you're gonna be an actor It's a it's it's an absolute necessity to have an agent that sends you out a good agent

That will send you out because you have to be able to get in that room in front of a group of producers and And pull it off sell it it, make it happen. All right, and you can't, if you think that you're just gonna go in an audition in a room in front of a camera or a producer's director's and all this shit, an casting agent, and knock it nervous and knock it fucked up and not have the confidence, and you need to let know your lines. You need to be able to bring, I go to my acting teacher when I have an audition, that's big.

And I'll look at the script and we'll read it and then he'll break it down. It's like trying to suit on. You gotta try it on, take a little off the sleeve, add this, take that until it fits. And then you go in and you do that. There's a lot that goes into fucking acting. There's auditioning is a whole different fucking scenario.

Okay, that's a whole different art form. To be able to go into a room with fucking ten other people for the same job looking right at you with the same script. And then you go into a room and you have to fucking win that job. That's a necessity if you're going to be an actor, I think, because whether you have glasses just for that, whether you're auditioning, whether you get it or not, it's in necessity to be able to do to know that you can sit in front of anybody anywhere and read those lines and make choices and break down a script and know how to deliver this your way and present something that's unique

that there's an open mic of it either. I don't just learn. When I did Bronx Warrants, I actually asked as soon as I booked the part, because I had an audition for that. I had an audition for the producers, director, writer, and then I had to do a screen test for FX. I didn't just get the part. I had a book it legitimately, over other people. Okay?

Your roommate auditioned for my part. Yeah, I remember that. Mike Vecchione went in and auditioned for my part. Okay? The one thing that I did that he didn't do, I read with him. Why not? I fucking, I learned every single scene by heart and I worked with my acting teacher. And then I learned two extra ones. And when I went in the room, Mike read it off the script Mike read it off the script Read it off the piece of paper. Well, that's a rookie mistake. No, I mean look no, I've seen I've seen actors do it I've seen I've seen famous actors you always have you always should have a script

But look let's say you glance at it or something middle that's not the same as you got a okay I did off the same thing. No, but you had the script I went in I had the script But I was fucking every single one one, bomb, bomb, bomb. And then I went at the end, I was like, I know two other ones, if you wanna do it. And the writer was like, yeah, because he wants to hear his words, and we did him. Oh, that's pretty smart to you.

You understand? That's knowing how to audition. But that's when that's your second audition, right? When the writer's there. The second audition, then there's a third one, and then the fourth one was the... I would get a bunch of second auditions all the time, and never the last one. Second audition?

Look at me, I'm getting that far as time. You know how I got the only parts I got was just... Raising your eyebrows? No, it was for Evan and Kear when I had... I had living. No, I had living. This is my short. I still have a soul.

Well, no, look, what you're doing is a necessity because you can't audition because you can't speak. Dude, we'll smart. Dude, see, he's short. He doesn't't audition because you can't speak. Dude, we'll smart. He's out here. Do we see his short? He doesn't speak in it. We'll work. Listen, we'll smart move on his will. Look at it here if you wanted to see it, but it's good. It's good.

Will is a very, what you're doing is exactly what you need to do. You went out and created your own content and then presented it to people. And, you know the boxing little short you did was a fucking epic for HBO yeah it's unbelievable but you if you remember you started with technology first editing and then you started cruise that is stone English so yeah absolutely dude I I understand do you smoke weed in the bathroom. No Oh, it's from my pocket. Yeah, I just like the smallest so anyways super tough anyways

Anyways, my point being is that going that we just went literally was supposed to end 20 minutes ago Roundabout Josh. I I'm glad that we picked up on that and I'm glad that we didn't I hope we didn't get trouble. I hope we didn't. I hope you come back again. I was a straight arrow man. Yeah, Josh, we could not corrupt Josh. I'm glad we didn't. We corrupt. He did look at the picture. You did. How can you not look at that? I hope you're doing, I hope you're literally in the middle of a show on Friday. That fucking, ashy arm. Or you fucking. that fucking ashy arm just fucking

then your nose bleeds thank you so much for coming on what's your twitter handle uh... w e josh math use get me over three hundred thousand so i can legitimately say i'm always that please let's do that you have to listen to him it's true no i will not accept it well well what do you got what do you want to promote buddy? Whatever you want at Twitter at Fuck Dan, we promote them at will silvens will W I L S Y L V I N C also I'm selling t-shirts for patrisis on family. Um go to

Patris Go to I am better than you calm. I I'm no I'm better than you. I am no I'm better than you calm you is a little you not why oh you so I'm better No one is gonna find and he makes my teeth hurt Literally, I am Let me translate we saw the Translate that he is better. It's Will Sevens. Yes. W-I-L. Yes. S-Y-L-I-N-C-E. S-Y-L-V-I-N-C-E. Okay. Well, that's a

pertinent to an angry voodoo dog. A big deal. And I'm bigger there. I'm better than you. Yeah. The letter not the word.com. Right, guys. Put your sonial t-shirts. Make sure you checked them out. The Patryus O'Neil posters sold out.

Oh, no. Those were awesome. Sold the fuck out and just to let you know, we signed 10 posters. Everybody on the show that night signed 10 posters. Five gold, five purple, each one of them, over $500 each. Part of eBay.

Each one of them in the bidding's not over. So find those links on my Twitter, over $500 each. Does Patrice's stuff sell a lot now that he's, what, you know what I mean? Like did he get like, I don't know, but I would imagine so. I mean it's sad. All right, look, I'm, but I would imagine so. I mean, it's sad. I mean, look, I'm not going to get it.

It's worth two hours. We can talk about that next time. But, um, posters are sold out, but there are 10 left signed on eBay. They're expensive, but remember, all the money goes to Patrice's family. So, Dan, what do you got? Uh, uh, uh, at Dan's owner, on Twitter.

And you shot your special, shot on special last night I got three hours of spent sleep. What are you doing Monday? Want to come back on and talk about that. Yeah, all right Monday. We'll have them back on okay, all right You're gonna be oh you're at South by Southwest. No She can't invite it back all right. Thanks for bringing that up. Oh My god, I wouldn't pay shit. I wouldn't get in. I my god, that thing is dead. I wouldn't get in.

I'm not gonna pay my way down. No, they actually, I mean, yeah. They paid you? No, no, they didn't pay me at all last year. Oh my god. I got paid for the most of your show. You got paid? To host your show.

I didn't get paid. Yeah, you did. I didn't get paid. Yeah, you did. We all know who got paid. Kulk Meska got paid. Kulk, I don't pay. I will never, listen. I clearly from my Facebook, I don't get paid for Yeah, you did. We all know who got paid. Kirk Meska got paid. I don't pay. I will never listen. I clearly from my Facebook, I don't get paid for a lot of things.

Like, what do you got? Go to my Facebook. I'm coming down to the high watt and somewhere in the South. It's like Tennessee and Georgia March 20th to the 23rd. I'm going to be in the South. I'm going to be in Dallas. March. God.

You had your shot. Seven. Listen, this is. I'm almost over again'm gonna be in Dallas More on watch God you had your shot Listen, this is almost over again. It's are you done? I got one more city. I love you Are you gonna come back on the show more? Yeah, I'm gonna ask it for you. I'd love to come back All right, I don't have to take you off the website. I was about to take your photo on the website. Oh, well, you never on I missed three episodes, but also can I finish? That's a month. It's cost of watch inside. Emi Schumer when I come out. When's that coming out?

Bobbies in it and a good sketch on it. I love it. Is the miss is it the miss I don't want to learn it? It's the missus. Oh, I love. Let me tell you this. I love Amy. Amy former former Lee dating Dolph Ziggler very briefly.

Yeah, who has the suitcase right now the money in the bank. Yeah, the bag. What happened to the suitcase? Can't they just get a new one? what does it have to be dented? I think they like it. That it's dead. Bugs me, I don't like it. I want a new suitcase.

There's money in the bank. Take some money out of the suitcase. I got a new suitcase. It's a contract in there. All right, go ahead, Kelly. I'm just following me on Twitter, K-E-L-O-I-I-F-A-S-T-E-C-A. I want to thank every motherfucker for coming down to the right, sold out riot cash Show at the stand.

Last night, right? What, let me tell you something. I've never felt as good as I felt when they announced me and I was everybody who went up and they knew us. They knew us, they loved us. It's an 80 cedar, Bobby, it's not. Actually, it's longer than the solo. Hang on, we sold 62 tickets. Listen, it's, no, it no it was we sold out it was um it was around 80 people last night

But it was good for that man it was a fucking great night everybody killed everybody did great It's a great comedy club too unfuck unbelievable show and thank you for supporting that we're gonna do it again Maybe bigger better so make sure you keep your out. What's up? I didn't bump, I'm so happy. No, you did not. Yeah. You put forth. Yeah. Delicious.

Thanks to all the podcast fans that came out to Deroza and I's taping. Yeah, yeah. And didn't come to the fucking riot cast show. What the hell? No, I'm kidding. They're fucking up and blasting. Yeah, absolutely.

Make sure you take us to my March 15 show in Boston. I got one show at the Wilbur. Yeah, I want to buy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, No, actually his kid and his daughter, his boy and his daughter brought it down. They're really cool young people. But March 15th Boston makes you buy tickets. Check it out now and South by Southwest that same week on the 12th March 12th, the nasty show. Oh, fuck, I can't wait to do this. Nice show. What? Me big J Mark Norman, Aisha Tyre. I don't know. Is he not nasty? This year's on show? What my final big J Mark Norman a you should tie. I don't know is he not nasty this years the show much you all shut out of the girl.

Huh I you should tie as a girl. I should Tyler big J you and somebody else and then Mark Norman. Wow. Mark Norman you go to laugh. I love Mark but I don't think I don't look it. That was fucking Chris Ellis's pick. Okay.

I think I think I love Mark. I know him. He asked Mark I said I know him. He's on the show. He's great. So he's He's not dirty. No, he can kill. He's really fucking he'll kill Dirty thing. Yeah, he will really It's a nasty show. He's really mean. He's fucking not dirty. He'll be dirty. He'll be dirty. He'll be mean It does witty fucking alternative shit. I'm throwing a mic at fucking Alice's head. He gets really main mocked out. This would be funny.

All right, good. I like main, mean as nasty. You don't have to be dirty. He can be nasty. Oh, the nail fucking nail it. Yeah. He gets killed in the first. He's a sociopath.

Can we end the fucking show? No, we get it. Both of you. You jumped on it. And then she tried to cover you, because you were about to trash mark because not wise here on the fucking nasty show and then you two fucking fuck fuck on the nasty show. I tried to do it. We tried to get you on. You wouldn't fucking do it.

What are you talking about? Let me finish. She sure will. Shut up. I'll talk. Let me finish motherfucker. nasty show. You were my first pick. Yeah. I wanted you on the show. They saw you on the and they said no now South by Southwest But you're doing that other festival and you tower. They wouldn't let you out of it. Oh, you know what dude talk to moon festival You want to you want to do South by Southwest? Dude I don't know I get a festival. You know what dude. I am doing By the way, I'm doing moon tower the paper mother fucker. No, don't go to that festival.

Everybody's falling asleep. Wait, the nasty show's on. It's been two hours and 21 minutes. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. If you have any questions or constructive criticism or suggestions for the YKWD podcast, please send them to YKWD at ryecast.com. Those emails go directly to us.wd at riotcast.com.

Those emails go directly to us. We look at them all. So if you have some titty picks, if you're a wife or girlfriend, or a pictures of your own vagina, please send them to ykwd at riotcast.com. We look at them all. We take all your suggestions to heart,

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You know what I'm getting? Really, really, really, really You know what I'm getting? From this complex, I'm getting... Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop.