Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Justin Silver & Anthony DeVito | Sorry

Episode Date: May 5, 2024

This week, Bobby sits down with Justin Silver and Anthony DeVito to talk about their worst comedy shows, Jews vs Italians and Dogs. #animals #dogs #sorry Follow Justin https://www.instagram.com/iamjustinsilver/?hl=en Follow Anthony https://www.instagram.com/comediananthonydevito/?hl=en Support the show and get 20% off your 1 st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code DUDE Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So as soon as, I do my last joke, nothing. And I go, all right, are you guys ready for your next comic? Your headliner? And I hear someone in the audience, the front row goes, oh no, there's more. I think that was. And you did 45 minutes. Buddy, if I knew that I wouldn't have. Hey, stop sweaty balls before they start with sheath underwear. Their underwear keeps your balls from sticking

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Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude, live. Welcome everybody to the show. I started a social media podcast. The YKWD Podcast. YKWD's back again. Home School, back in the day, where it all started before them all! Why KWD? Why KWD?

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This is the original. What's up everybody it's Robert Kelly back here on YKWD in the YKWD studios. They're almost brand new. We'll wait till you we show you the new reveal that's coming. Very excited about it. But until then we're here at the same old dick table. And we got a great show for you tonight. Make sure you click subscribe please. Hit that button and slam that like button. I don't know is that how you say it? Smash. Smash that like button. Smash that subscribe button. Fuck I hate the world we live in. I have to ask you to do something for free on a show that you already like. Even if you're here for three seconds free on a show that you already like.

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Yep, there you go. I just had, and I blame Joe and I blame Danny. I really do blame them. I just had one of the most hurtful comedy sets I've ever had. Really? Cause these two fucking amateur adults,

this crowd, by the time I got up there, they were like, what are we doing? Did you bomb? Yeah, we bombed. Oh, really? And now I'm gonna get comment cards, and they're gonna think I suck too. I couldn't even, whatever ship they sunk,

I could not bring it up from the depths. How much time did you do before Bobby went on? Seven minutes. You fucked it up in seven minutes. What? I mean, listen to me, man. It was like on stage where you go, you ever go running and you're like,

I can't go any further? Yeah. And you're like, I have to get home? Yeah, sure. to get home. I was like, unrecoverable. No, no. Come on, Bob Kelly. Come on, son.

Smash that subscribe. I definitely, smash that subscribe. But, buddy, I, but there was points, there was points where it was like, whoo. I mean, I ended on the wrong, I ended on the wrong bit, on the wrong part of the, right when I got that, I should have been like, good night. They were, I got a little, well, dude, I mean, this crowd, I'm going to blame you. I hope you'll watch it. You're, you fuck, they suck, but the crowd was terrible. Terrible. We had England, you had fucking India,

you had Germany, you had fucking Yugoslavia. They can't get together. No, I'm talking about potato chips. He's like, it's a French fry. No, it's not. What was it? I was so bad, I hurt right now. Like my soul hurts.

Yeah, I can see it. It hurts. You do an hour once a week? That's awesome. Yeah. Thanks for looking at the upside. No, that's fucking awesome. I wish I had a five minute set tonight.

I'll tell you that. You have to do the whole hour too. I wish I was an open mic tonight. I had a fucking, I mean, dude, I felt like I was in a crystal shop and a bull came through and I had to clean up after these fucking losers You did seven and seven Bobby. I have four joke saves for one like a joke doesn't work I use them all in the first minute. Wow, that's amazing. I did a joke. I did a joke. I Did a joke for my first album, right?

Right right before Joe and up. I looked at him. I go you hope you bomb and then he did You fucking you you use your artistic that's that's horrendous when crowd when crowds are like you start pulling out shit from like The first year in comedy. Oh, yeah Oh, you're like, I think there's a Henny Youngman bit, but I'm doing it Well, here's the deal if it was Norton or anybody else in front of me I wouldn't have cared but I have the fucking Tizzy Two going up, and I gotta try to make these people. Noam's gonna be downstairs and go,

what the, I'm gonna get a yap into it. I walked up to Noam, he's at a table with all these fucking fancy people downstairs. I go, it's not me, it was them. That crowd sucked. Don't blame me, fuck them. He's like, what? I'm like, that's all I needed to say.

It was. He didn't care. Buddy, it was so bad. Really? I mean, dude. Is this like an all timer or is this? No, no, no, no. Were they Smilers?

And they were like, oh, we're out in New York doing a New York thing, but they don't just get the vernacular. If I watched this set, I would quick comment. We should watch this set. No. No, watch this set. No. No, I have enough. I have enough.

I have enough bad shit in my life. I mean, bad sets, it's just, it's like when you need a certain, I don't know dude, when you get that crowd that's just couples, foreigners. Yeah, yeah. They don't, it's almost like they can't, we have to, you know, you look at European comics,

they're slow, methodical, they don't understand. With catering. Yeah, they don't understand, you know what I mean? And look, I mean, I got them on some things, but it was like, you ask him a question that just like, answer you like, like I was teaching a class. Right, right, right.

Like citizenship. Yeah, one guy was like, what do you do for work? He's like, what was, what? I go, what do you do for work? I didn't hear, I have a microphone. Right. And a light. The room seats 80 people. You heard me. There were, there were some audience members that were laughing at the bombs the way a

comic would laugh at a bomb. Like a joke would bomb and then one person. Oh, they were laughing at you. Yeah. Not, they weren't laughing at you. They were laughing at you. They didn't do that with me. They didn't do that with him. I got it. I was talking to him. I was looking at you. They didn't do that with me. They didn't do that with him. I got it. I was talking to him. That was... I was looking at you for camera purposes. I mean, first of all, I tell you what,

even if they were doing that, good. At least someone was laughing because other people might have been like, oh, they're laughing. That room specifically, because also they're sitting back and it's down and it's dark, that room specifically, when they are like that, you're like,

this is like the, it intensifies it. It's because it's this small little room, but I mean, last week, the week before, how many weeks have been murderous there? I mean, murderous. The last month it's been incredible. Every show's been murderous. There was one difference tonight though.

What? You weren't there. Before every show they usually played Louis Prima songs, this time they played Black Sabbath the whole time. You think that is anything to do with it? That's stupid Norton. That's Norton music. That's dumb Norton's music. Yeah. They were playing fucking death music. They got him into Satan before my... Oh god damn it. There's a new manager there too. Some guy came up and was like, hello sir,

thank you for coming. Get the fuck out of there for 30 years. Thank you for coming. That drives me crazy. Thank you for coming. I get offended by that, even if you shouldn't. You're gonna last six months with Liz. Yeah, thank you for coming is why. Well, I'm sorry you had a bad set, Bobby, but you're great and it's not you, it's them. You know?

Yeah. They say work harder, you know? I hope you get a disease. What was the last bad set you had? Oh man, I don't know, pick a night. Oh really? I think so, yeah. I'm trying to think.

Oh, Friday or Saturday at the Dojo in North Jersey. Oh I'm doing that room in a few weeks. I don't know. You'd be bomb at the Dojo. You'd be surprised. I can pull it off. Oh, really? Really?

I don't know what it is. Are you not Italian enough for them? I think it is a little bit of that. I think it's like they feel a little bit of betrayal where I'm like, I'm not the Italian they want. You said you'd go in an Italian and Jewish look. Yeah, you really did. No, I bring up my yarmulke, my town moodmud and all my things. I heard they had to kick out some 80

year old ladies. Yes. Oh yeah, man. So what? No, and he's not even like exaggerating. Like these are like 80 or two like old, like 80 year old Italian women who just, they were just talking not about the show the whole time, like whoever was up there, Greg was up there, whoever, and like they were just like, well I don't know why she married him. I don't know why she would do that. Just loud as hell, getting on their phones, like the light was like shining on everybody else.

They don't police the room at all, where they're like. This was the thing, they talked to them ad nauseam, but it just did not get through. And then. You know what's supposed to get through the stand up. Sure. I would say, man, like an hour 15 in this audibly, this woman goes, just not for me. And then that's not the name of your next album. Just that is great. Just not for me.

It's crazy that I'm Jewish and you're Italian. That's yeah. Oh, my God. Absolutely. It's not. I've never met a more Italian guy in my life than you. I'm very. Yeah. Italian. That's, yeah, oh my God, absolutely. It's nuts. I've never met a more Italian guy in my life than you. Yeah, not at all though. Yeah, no, you're fucking full. Do you have anxiety? Yes.

The Italians and the Jews, they go back and forth the anxiety. The Irish, you guys, it's a little bit. Yeah, but Italians usually take it out on Jews. That's how you get your anxiety out. Yeah, they're ass-kickers. It's the truth. So you he fucking comes up to you. So you weren't, you weren't, you weren't, you weren't, you weren't Ginzo enough for them.

No, no, no. I've never been Ginzo enough for them. He's not Ginzo enough for his own family. I'm saying for them there. At the fucking Dojo over here. Yeah, that's very true. He's not, yeah, yeah, you're not Ginzo at all. Not at all.

No, you're, you're, you're very what? Ah, man, I, I don't know. Smart? Not even all. Not at all. No, you're very what? Man, I don't know. Smart. Not even though. I think I just have the appearance of smart and then I'm not really, so I'm not quite sure where I fit in. I'll tell you about the other gig. Joe was there for this gig.

This is the last gig we did together. I know where you fit in. Middle Earth. That was good. That's what I'm trying to do, man. Tell those jokes down there, Bob. Tell those down there. I'm going to bring him with me next time.

What about this guy's face? That was good. That's what I'm trying to do, man. Tell those jokes down there, Bob. Tell those down there. I'm going to bring him with me next time. What about this guy's face? Oh, yeah, that's very funny. What was the other one you were saying? So Joe and I, this was how long? It was like a couple months ago at Uncle Vinny's. So it was like seven people there, four heckling.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Uncle Vinny's you're talking about. Yeah. Did they do the- It's hard when it's full. Did they do the thing where they sit the room where they're like three people in that corner, one here, they don't know to like just do it from the front? They're everywhere.

Because they're hoping that people will show up. They're hoping that they'll fill it up. Yeah, so there was like seven there, four heckling, they own the night. Really? So there was like seven there, four heckling, they own the night. So there's like, there's one woman who like, and no one's really into the show, but one woman is like very upset. And like, you know, at some point I was like, hey, you know, I'm not whatever,

but what's going on, you all right? And she was like, I don't know how to say this. Like, and I was like, it's okay, you could just say it. She goes, well, I just, I thought I was seeing Danny DeVito tonight. What? I swear to God, he gonna test. Yeah, Danny DeVito goes to the- Shut up. Legit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Danny DeVito. What? I swear to God. He can attest. Yeah, Danny Devito goes to the club.

Shut up. Legit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Danny Devito. Yeah, he's known for going down to Uncle Vinny's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing it. No, it's his thing.

He's working on his hour. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Danny Devito? I swear to God, man. And you walked up. One of the biggest Hollywood producers. You walked up.

Anthony D'Adido? That's how stupid they are, by the way, over there, the way over there where they'll just see Devito and they'll be like, oh it must be that guy. Exactly. She was like, you think the guy from Batman Returns is coming to Point Pleasant on a Wednesday? Are you nuts? That's the reference you make, you nerd. Not taxi.

Not even twins. Twins was the first one I was thinking of. Throw a model from the train. Well, I think it's because that's the role where he's the most. Always Sonny in Philadelphia. Always Sonny in Philadelphia. The 20-year fucking show that's a hit. You take when he was a penguin going gah, gah, gah, gah.

That's the fucking. Look at Bobby get life from this. It's great. I love it. I really do. I wish you had the show. I know. Hey, guys, I had bad shows too recently. Where? Does anyone want to hear? Of course, Justin. I really do. I wish you had the show. I know. Hey guys, I had bad shows too recently.

Where? Does anyone want to hear? Of course, Justin. I would love to hear. I was in Ashburn, Virginia and this was a money grab because they reopened this place where it's like, everything there is like the same as everywhere else in America. It's just like strip malls. Yes.

So it was a Greek restaurant that they're trying to turn into a nightclub owned by owned by Armenian people who are very off the boat Armenian so you can imagine what? How their nightclub like how fucking tacky this thing was yes, dude if I show you the stage, please it was what's the name? But he'll bring it up. It was uh the name of the place with they turn they called it ambiance I have a picture of the stage. Dude, they had lights, it looked like an Armenian wedding. And it was, dude, I have pictures of this stage and I was like, can we get, they had different color lights

flashing all over the place. And then these long pipe lights that were doing different colors. While you're on stage? They had a wedding. They had like a wedding DJ basically do the stage. was so over the fucking I'm like can we turn all of these lights off please look at this stage send it to Danny so we can look it on the big screen

yeah and then there was like this look at the people who came there looks like Hannah Gatsby's special Wait, I got that's where she shot done. Yes Ambience grant piano. It was so fucking over-the-top I was like we have to chill this out when I send you this just know all the lights in the back are Changing colors and strobing the whole time. Jesus Christ. I was just like this is distracting, please It's all those lights are bouncing off your face as you're bombing. Oh, buddy, let me explain. They didn't have a light on me or on us when we were performing.

So it was lights everywhere and we were kind of silhouetted and dark from it. I'm like, can you put one light on us if you're going to have all these other lights here? It was so fucking distracting. I would have just started dancing. Yeah. I would be like, I dance. Oh, wait a second. I forgot the best part. So when we get there, there's probably 20 feet of open space from the stage and all the seating starts 20 feet back. I go, why is this like this to go? Oh, cause like we want to, we want people to dance afterwards. So there's like nobody there.

Everybody's and we sold good, but everybody's 20 feet back is where the audience I'm like, can you pull these forward? Like no, no, we want those for tables for VIP So there was one long table in the middle in case 14 people as a party Wanted to come together and just sit right up front. I was like, this is a lot. Oh god, Danny saying it's it's The fuck it the things that we do So much things that we do. There's so much going on. So much things that we do for.

He's going to bring it up. You keep showing us, but we can't. I'm sorry. There's people watching live and I'm sorry. They looking at. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Love people. Stopping us to look at the thing. I apologize. All right. Don't worry about it.

It's I was wrong. It's doesn't sound like you're wrong. It sounds like my wife right now. I was wrong. You were right I'm always wrong. You're a mean person. I want a divorce I'm trying to give him video. I have video you can save that for your head, too All right, I'm sorry again. I keep doing it. I keep doing it. I'm sorry. I mean stop saying sorry I'm sorry about that. What the fuck? I'm doing everything wrong

Are you on your phone? I'm sending videos to Danny where we'll send them But we're talking about it with use our keep talking skills as comic. Can I say something? Oh my god He's the first of all, who's that hunk of fucking burning? Nick Simmons. He opens Christ. What if I So those yeah, so the only book people who look Armenian. Oh my God. See the white lights? Yes. You're going all around the room and they're in sequential so it goes white, purple, blue.

It'll be funny, every time you talk it changes. It just goes up and down. And then the purple, the purple light. The room is alive. The purple light is going purple, pink, green. Jesus Christ. It's a Christian funeral. Yeah. You nailed that. pink, green. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I almost had a seizure. It's a precious funeral. Yeah.

You nailed that. It's terrible. Terrible. Still not as bad as Uncle Vinny's as Danny DeVito. Well, it's just despair. And then one confused woman who thought she was seeing Danny DeVito. That's so funny that she was so earnest. I'm sorry.

And you were like, you dragged it out of her because she was so- How did you know she was upset? Was she just like, ugh, onto her face? Yeah, man, yeah. She vocal is what I'm asking. She wasn't vocal, but like, I mean, everybody else just kind of had like, you know that look that people get when they're like,

I just hope this ends soon. They're not upset, they're just kind of like, I hope this is over soon. They have a, like they're waiting for a bus. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Were you headlining or was it a group show? Just me and Joe. Just food jokes and whatever the fuck I do.

Oh that's great too, yeah, tonight. What do you eat? And they were like, nothing. It was awesome! It was great! I mean, Joe's whole thing relies on the audience going, bacon. And they were like, nothing. Oh, you have a joke that relies on the correct answer from the audience? No, a set! A set! That relies on the audience to answer correctly? If they don't, there you go.

His whole act, Justin, is him going, what's your favorite food? And someone has to say something. And they're like, huh? It has to be the right answer. The joke doesn't move forward? No, no, no. No, no. Because you're just doing whatever he's doing.

He has a joke for every fucking food. And then if it isn't a food, he'll have a joke for that. Food humor. Yeah. Oh, Joe. How'd that go over tonight? Like a meatloaf. Yeah, man.

Well done. Joe, Joe, Joe. Well done. Joe's great, but it was very funny. Not tonight. Sure. Not your night. Bobby, we all know.

There's a lot of... The tipsy two went down tonight. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but's great, but it was very funny. I sure hope we all know there's a lot of tipsy to went down tonight But the best is when the crowd doesn't it's easy to wear down. They really just shot the ship down But the best is when I had people that have seen me Well, not enough obviously. No not at all Well, not enough, obviously. No, not at all. But when people are over what Joe, like, when a guy just goes, I don't know, man, I guess

french fries. It's the best. Oh, he harasses him. Whatever, man. Like, it's so funny. Oh, that's, that's. It was, it was fucking atrocious. And there was an, so I'm like, I'm looking at this guy, you're European, he's like Germany, you're England.

I go, where you from? India. And then I look at this guy, two Chinese guys, two Asian guys, I go, where are you from? He goes, Denver. I was like, oh great, fuck me. The worst is when a crowd like that, but then the people that come,

the friends that come to see you that haven't seen you, they're like, no, that was really good, but you were really, it's so condescending. I literally left. They're trying hard to make you feel better. It's so condescending. I walked out, I went, hey, I gotta go do a podcast. And I ran out.

Yeah, you leave. And I went and got chicken. I went and got chicken. I went and got chicken. I was like, I need to stuff something in my face that's healthy. You didn't relapse though. No, I didn't relapse.

But I could have, no. It was fucking terrible. There's something about it when they're not getting it, It's healthy. You didn't relapse though. No, I didn't relapse, but I could have no it was Fucking terrible. There's something about it When they're not getting it, but our comic ego is so strong. Yeah that we I'll get them. Yeah, yeah I'll get them and then when you realize you I'm dying. Yep, like I'm gonna survive and you realize oh This is my last breath My last breath. Yeah, and especially in a longer set, you're up there long enough to have so much

go through your head, do you know what I mean? Like you bomb for five minutes, it's over, you leave. But at like the 20 minute mark, you like think about your past, think about all these options. Oh yeah, I thought about my mortgage. Right, you're right. I thought about my kid,

lacrosse that he's not gonna afford. I had the thought at this club, the Armenian wedding, I'm like, what am I doing with my life? Like in the pauses between the jokes, like what am I doing? Dude, I had that on stage one time, we were talking about this in the bonfire today, I had a panic attack.

I had to follow in Maine, Bob Marley, who is- The king of Maine. The king of Maine. King of Maine. And he's energetic and clean and so fancy and perfect. He went up and did, I mean like a set, you'd never, it's a packed house, 300 people. And I had to follow him for some reason.

And I'm up there and in the middle of a bit, I had to like turn around and like do something and turn back around to the crowd. As I turned around, I was on the ground, I was like, what are you doing? I heard that in my head. I was like, there was another voice, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know.

Well, you shouldn't do this. Moments of clarity. And I was like, but I have to, I'm in the middle, I have 40 minutes left. Yeah, but you can just quit right now and walk out. And I'm like, I can't, I gotta go forward. He's like, you don't have to. You can just go and be a painter with your uncle.

And I was like, I can't, I gotta try. And I stood up and turned around, and I was just, he was like, all right, whatever. And I turned around and just fucking bombed for 40 more minutes. The sentence, I have to go forward, is so beautifully said. You had a moment with yourself. I didn't know I had that other person in

my head of reason Right you're like where was he when this all began? Here's the problem too is I've had such great sets Right such I've been killing it great and and then you go up and even at that club every week It's been amazing after where you walk off and you're like dude dude, I'm fucking good. I'm doing it, I got it. And then the comedy gods really stick a bunch of fucking Germans in your face. Bobby, at what point during the set did you go, oh, this is gonna be a problem?

When you were on. As soon as I walked in. When they said, Danny Braff, ladies and gentlemen. As soon as I saw you go, uh, bukkake? Nothing. Nothing. I was like, ugh. Once Joe ran out of food. The whole set, Joe? Pretty much.

Always? Yeah, it's awesome. Joe came out with me with energy. Which I've never... he was like, dude, like he was another person. It was like, man, what the fuck happened back there? I don't know, man. I was like, what?

It was fucking, I walked, Danny goes like this, I walked in and he goes, yo man, Joe's not doing that good. And Danny's a cocky fuck. He's like, I'm nervous. I haven't been nervous in a long time. I'm like, you're doing eight minutes and he's nervous. Like a family member who's like, not yet taking a turn for the best.

And I go to Joe, I go, how's he doing? He goes, not good. Oh God. I don't know if he's gonna make it. Then Joe brought me up like I was about to kill. You guys ready for your headline? I was like, tone it down. Oh, that was the other thing about this place that it was a wedding DJ who brought us

on so the it was like it was like at a bar mitzvah when like they're calling up the different people to slice the bread I don't even know how to call this because I'm so on juie the challah cutting like and now giving it up for grandpa to cut the challah it was like that kind of shit they like do announcements for everything. It's a party. So they do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was I wasn't defensive in the end. Was I defensive in the end? Yeah. Can I say something? But I'm sorry. All right. Listen, no more

apologizing for the rest of the show. You know what? You're Italian. He's Jewish. You were a little bit a little bit. You have Italian posture. he has Jewish posture. Yeah. Sit up, you fucking guinea. This is how we sit as Jews, this is how we sit, Bobby. Yes. As freaky.

Don't just presmirch our culture. It's like Freaky Friday. Yeah, no. Justin is the Italian my mom wanted. Oh yeah. Really? But I'm the one she got. It's the Italian every girl wants. Is your family, are they very Italian? Like the way I'm thinking, like Gu. It's the Italian every girl wants. Is your family very Italian?

Like the way I'm thinking, like Guido-y? Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, like, well, my dad's side, super stereotypical North Jersey Italian connected, that whole thing. Oh, nice. No, my mom's side's all women.

So, but like, you know, every guy that was like around the family was all like super Guido-y. Yeah, not bad. I love Guidos. I feel bad. When you go home, I feel comfortable. When you go home, they don't give you a fucking noogies and try to fucking arm wrestle you.

There's the clown, the clown's back, has your fucking jokes. I will say, I mean, the most of them have passed by now, but like my uncle, I remember, I think I was like 10 years in a comedy and he goes, are you still doing standup? Dude, let me tell you something. Like I got on TV like six months ago or something like that.

My grandfather on his deathbed looked over and went, you still doing that comedy thing? I was like, professionally, yes I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been supporting a family this way for quite some time now. Apparently, tonight he was right. I mean, fucking A, dude.

I mean, look, when you have those sets, those hell sets, when you, you know, and you come off from those, it's, there's something, it's amazing to me, comedy's such amazing to me because it's like something went wrong somewhere. Yeah. And it was Joe. Bobby, talk about the private you did with Joe.

Dude, that was just beyond, I mean, I got booked through the corporate shit. You know, and they were like, all right, we're going to give you this money. It wasn't even good money. You know what I mean? It wasn't even like, if it was like 10 grand, I'd be like, all right, whatever, I'd take the hit. But I was like, all right, I'll fucking do it. Whatever my wife's like, you do it. Because I was like debating it.

I kept going back and forth. And I come home and I'm like, I told my wife, I go, you know what, I decided I'm not going to do it. It's not worth it. I've got, I called a couple people. I called Quinn, I talked to Jay. And Jay was like, dude, don't fuck, fuck that. Don't do that.

And I was like, you know, I came home, I was like, listen, I decided not to do it. She goes, I already signed the contract. She signed my name. But good money? No, it was fine money. But not for that, not for my soul. What was it?

Without saying too much. I don't want to tell you, it was enough. But was it like a big corporation or like a small? It was, Joe, what was it? They made toilets. At a factory or like designers? Fancy toilets. Oh like really fancy. Fancy.

Check this out. Yeah it wasn't just a regular shit house toilet. Right. I'm not a piece of shit. Was the company called We're the Shit? Get it? Because it's toilets and they're awesome. It was fixtures and pummeling supplies but fancy high end.

Yeah. And they, so they were,ing supplies, but fancy high end. Yeah. And they, so they were, you know, it was like, all right, I talked to the people and they're like, all right, I was like, we need a stage, we need a microphone. So me and Joe show up, it's in Tribeca, at this fancy place. At least it's close.

We show up, they put us in a basement with fuckin', like those Brazilian dancers with the feathers. And they're back there, they're just having it. They're just watching. Like Carnaval? Yeah, but their job is to walk around. Oh, they're not, okay. So here's the worst part, here's it is.

It's a fucking masquerade theme. So then they bring us up to the kitchen. What a festive plumbing company. They bring us up to the kitchen when it's time for us, like, supposed to be five minutes. One of the head guys is giving a speech. We show up, there's three rows of chairs, nobody's sitting in them, like maybe five people sitting,

and 200 people standing, talking and drinking and having a great time. Like fucking having a blast. Like when you start talking, the fun ends. Here it is right here. Look at this. Here we go. Listen to this.

Put your headphones in. Oh, yeah. All right. Listen to how loud this is. Oh, no. There's video. Oh, I took video of Joe. Joe was fucking eating his, what's your favorite food, dick?

Wait, what is that behind you? Joe's favorite food that night was his own cock. It was best. No. This is you doing the set, Joe? Yeah. That's him. And they're just talking?

So he, the guy, they, oh, this is the other one. Oh yeah, look at this. Listen to this crowd, go ahead. 200 people standing. Is he performing right now? He's on stage! Holy shit. Listen to me.

So I go up. That's so fun. I go up. That's awful. The head guy goes up and he's, just five minutes, 15 minutes in to his speech, nobody's listening. Nobody's listening to the guy. To the guy. And I'm like, oh my God. And I'm like, thank God I brought Joe. Thank God I brought some sacrificial lamb. Did you get him with your fucking foodie joke? He didn't get a fucking soul.

Bobby, did I ever tell you what they said? What? No. So as soon as I do my last joke, nothing. And I go, all right, are you guys ready for your next comic? Your headliner. And I hear someone in the audience, the front row goes, Oh, no, there's more. That was. And you did 45 minutes. Buddy, if I knew that I would have. Dude, so he's on stage.

They plugged the sound system into the restaurant's speakers. So Joe is basically doing comedy at a Walmart on the fucking- Like a PA. A PA speakers coming through the ceiling. So he's like, so what's your favorite food? You like bacon? What about Salisbury steak? I mean, it sounds like shit.

So I go to the DJ, I go, dude, what the fuck? He goes, they plugged him into the wrong plug. I'm going to unplug him. When he gets off, when you go out, I'm going to the wrong, they plugged him into the wrong plug. I'm gonna unplug him. When he gets off, when you go on, I'm gonna replug it back in him, but it's gonna make a really bad noise. So I go, don't do it during me, do it during him. So I think right at the end of your set,

when he's doing his joke, dude, he unplugged it. Everybody, literally he goes, ah. This beautiful party, everyone's like, ah. You guys ready for your headliner? Oh, God. He brings me up, dude. It was so loud. So there's three rows, people were sitting there,

and then fucking a sea of people just talking, ignoring me. And I'm just, I'm trying to fuck with people, I'm trying to trash people. I get them for a sec, I lose them right after that. I get them for a sec, I lose them. And at one point I have a bit where I'm going into like snow tubing and there's a part of that where you hear people screaming but it's not fun screams it's like God no please and I screamed that over this PA the people thought somebody was being murdered they didn't even they didn't even realize it was a stand-up comedian on stage doing comedy so when I scream God no please everybody went the fuck? Like somebody's being murdered.

And as soon as they saw it was this fucking asshole on stage, they just turned back and went. I did an Italian social club. Oh, you just moved. So anyways, so at the end of my set, there's an Asian guy in a bomber jacket. Sure. Thank God I didn't say it.

I was like, I was gonna to say, I was going to, I was going to call him like a fucking kamikaze pilot. Of course, yeah, yeah. Well, thank God. I don't know what happened. I said, dude, didn't you fly, hey, nice jacket. Didn't you, didn't you fly me here from, from Tampa on Sunday? He went, pick somebody else.

I went, what? He went, somebody else. And then the girl next to him went, that's the boss. It was the main, the top guy. Oh, the top toilet guy. That was sitting down trying to give us a shot. Right. And then at one point he stood up and I fucking trashed him and he's like, somebody else. And I went, okay. I just. It's, you know what? It's because the power shift is all off on those things. When you're coming to their thing, of course, like I hate it. I did an Italian social club. Someone asked me to do this one.

It was in Woodside, Queens. It was this brick building. It looked like a bunker. The second I walk in like, oh, you know, comedian, come over here. The guy grabs me by the back of the neck, brings me over to a picture on the wall of like the first Italian immigrants that had come to this country and he's black and white photo of a hundred people. He goes, that's my father right there. This is father Fortuno, whatever. And he's explaining the history of the social club. And he goes, come here, come here. You want something to eat? This is my friend.

This is my guy Joe cooks the food. He makes the rats, you know, the city, when someone does something bad, like a corporation, you're a rat. He makes those rats. you know the city when someone does something bad like a corporation you're a rat he makes those rats tell him I was like all right and you know what but they were fucking great sometimes those things that's a great we don't want to hear those stories right now but I'm saying it was just like did some of these rooms you would be like muzzle tough on you muzzle tough I am I am I am man. Yeah, Italians, like Italian guys, they act like little kids, do you know what I mean? Where they're just like, that's my dad.

That's like, it's very- Yeah, they got proud of the history. I love that you can't even do the Italian voice. Well, I was doing that with a little kid voice. That's my dad. That's my uncle. She makes a good pasta fagioli. That was, I guess you're right.

Could you fake it a little? I mean, he was like, that's my dad, and he did it great. Well, he's gotta be a kid, too. Try doing an Italian accent. Yeah, but in the character, he's a child, so I'll try to do it as a child. I'll do an Italian accent, we'll do it. I'll try to do it, yeah, sure.

What's up with Jews? What are you? Jews? What's up with Jews? What the fuck is wrong with you? That's right, I said Jews, you heard me right? That's not good. I'm more of a writer kid, you know?

Yo, that's my dad over there. This guy, yeah. That's my dad over there. Yeah, that's my fucking dad right there. Yeah. That's over there. He's awesome, he makes the rats. You know the rats in the city?

There we go. What is he makes the rats? You know the rats? When someone, when a company, when a union, when a union's like shitting on the owner, there's this giant blow up rat. He hangs out with union guys? No, but you see when you walk around the city.

Ask him, if you ask him who makes the books. The big, when they put it outside a corporation. I know, I'm a man. You not know what I'm talking about Joe? No. Anthony, I'm sorry, I called you Joe. You're fine. I know what you're talking about.

Yeah. The big inflatable rat. Yeah, he makes makes he makes those rats Why why when I came in you went? When it said the the dog guy well, how come you didn't like that? because it's like that's such a I Hate still being tied to these things that were like so long ago It's like, you know, if it's like dogs in the city

I was like that was a show I did, what, 15, like 12 years ago? So it's like a little... Who called you the dog guy? Who called me the dog guy? Why did you say somebody said you're the dog guy? No, no, no. I said he was the dog man. Because he was talking about... Oh, you did? No, he was talking about hair loss. I said, I'm good at fixing that. He goes, oh, you're like a hair whisperer too. And he's like, you're the dog whisperer. So I said, yeah, I know a lot about hair. This was the conversation. You called him the dog man? I get what he meant. You're the dog whisperer. So I said, yeah, I know a lot about hair. This was the conversation. I called him the dog man. I get what he meant. You're the dog guy.

I get it. You would say that. I am the dog guy. So I get that. No, it's because it said dogs in the city on this sheet of paper. And I'm just like, oh, what? Yeah, well, you, I mean, look, that was a fucking show. And you are fucking wildly weird with dogs.

Correct. You are crazy. All correct. All correct. All correct. All correct. Listen, I don't want any trouble over here. That was a misunderstanding. No trouble ever.

Is that Yiddish? We have a fun dog game for you guys. I love this. I love a dog game. I'm going to do bad at this. I think you're going to win. We have some pictures of dogs, and we guys want you to rate the dogs, but based on how fuckable they are. Oh, oh, yeah. I'm into this. Whoa, what I do in my spare time?

You do look like a dog fucker. Hey, one or two. So here's the first one. I mean, French Bulldog, I don't think so because they breathe like she's gonna be snorting. I would not fuck that dog. I would make love to that dog I would actually watch a movie I'd watch a rom-com with that thing. Are you crazy? I would take that dog to New Hampshire instead of dawn I'd live in the tiny house with her. I mean wow. Yeah, that's the kind of dog you want to tell your secrets I'd rubbed all eight of those nipples. I

I'd rubbed all eight of those nipples. I would come right on that belly. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. I mean, listen, I'm not into Cardi B, but Let me tell you something. That, if you took away the dog's head, I wouldn't know that that was a dog. Where? Wait a minute. Can you? Like if I blur my eyes so it doesn't look like fur? Yeah, squ squint your eyes that looks like an awesome ass. It looks like an awesome ass. Where was it? That's a corgi. This I'll tell you the breeds to. Oh, good. This full dog in a corgi. You're the dog guy. I'm a dog guy. This is taken at the Puerto Rican Day parade. Would

you would you have sex with the course? I did sex with the first dog. I mean, this dog's just begging for it. Yeah. I mean, this is crazy. I mean, this slut hound. Look, if they don't want us to fuck dogs, why are they doing this? That's a beautiful dog. That's a beautiful dog, and that's a beautiful little tookish. That looks like my wife's ass. That looks like a Pitbull Ridgeback mix to me.

Is that what it is? That's what it looks like, a Pitbull Ridgeback. That's why you're the dog man, dude. It's great. Look at the way you can see man, dude. It's great. Look at the, you can see her pussy lips. You really can. Yeah, that's a camel toe.

That's hot. Man. I mean, I'm three for three. I don't know about you. Same. Right. Justin. I don't want to fuck any of you.

That's my dog. Yeah. It's doodles. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything, Bobby. Oh yeah. When it's your dog, it changes, right Bobby. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything, Bobby. Oh yeah. When it's your dog, it changes, right Bobby?

I'm not going to fuck my own dog. But it's got a ferocity to it, which I like. You like a dominant dog? I like a dog that tells me what to do when it's dog language. I don't quite understand. That's actually my shoe after we got done fucking. That's what a dog does my shoe after we get done fucking That's what a dog does after fucking they

Chew a true lace and cigarette she does No, I know I don't know cuz he would fuck it yeah, they keep getting taken away But I'm not allowed to have them. Yeah, the's a whole state thing. I don't get it. But growing up, we had a series of Afghan hounds. Why did you save my dog? You're an Afghan hound. You're familiar. Beautiful. I mean, I'm not.

No, that's like Justin's ass. Yeah, that is. That's too alpha. Yeah, exactly. Those two aggressive boxer. I like that first dog that was doing that. There was like a feminine quality to it. This one's too like, this one's gonna me with its own but yeah

you know what I mean this is like this is like like the man like the firefighter calendar yeah that's like fucking China from the WWE and and the last one all the last one all three of us we are the is the hottest dog of all. Okay. Yes. Not that one. That looks like my grandmother. That's a Samoyed. That's a what? Samoyed. Yeah, Samoyed means fucking slutty bitch. You want a dog that legitimately will like...

Hang on, hang on. Okay, are we going more? One more. This is the hottest one. This is the hottest dog. Why is that one not... Bobby? What kind of food do you like?

Joe's the best. That's Joe's dog. I wrote that joke. That's Joe's dog. If you look up Saluki these dogs are so look up type in the words beautiful Saluki and look how gorg these dogs are so beautiful they're they're attractive like yeah you'll see all gorg these dogs are like brought from Jersey Shore is gonna come up. They're they're pretty the way a person is pretty. I got it. Thanks. S.E.L.U.K. I think. Saluki Saluki, they're like the first dog breed.

They're like one of the first domesticated breeds from. I think Saluki's are other Egyptians, but they are. They're stunning. Yeah, we're having an approach. We just talk about dogs. We'd fuck. You're bringing up dogs in lingerie. The government just shut us down. You fucking artist creep.

Yeah, it's so worth it. Yeah, this is an illegal working all of a sudden conversation. Simply this episode shut down. Can't even bring up something like George Soros, nevermind this shit. Jesus Christ. So wait, Justin, what was the name of the... Saluki. Yeah, you'll see pictures of like...

What was in my fucking drink? Something just went in my drink. You see what I'm saying? I don't know, dude. That looks like it has AIDS. That dog's been fucking for a long time. Go to pictures of their faces. Pedro from the real world.

These are stunning dogs. I mean stunning, but not fuckable. Well, exactly. No. It looks like Joe List. Can someone Photoshop a pair of glasses on that dog? Give me one more. Justin really wants to sell us on fucking these ugly dogs.

I will not fuck a Saluki, Justin. Stop it. Stop pushing the Saluki. I want to fuck the other dogs. Yeah. I'd rather fuck that old lady dog in the nylons than that fucking saluki bitch. That's going to be a new verb for fucking ugly bitches. She's a real saluki. Saluki.

All right. There you go. God bless you. What is universally considered up left to the look at you? Look at you. Justin, Justin. I love you. But that neck is dog. Come on, man. You see what I'm saying? That looks like a fucking like. No, it looks like a like not your type. Not my type. OK.

Chick from Virginia, who fucked her cousin. Yeah, man. That looks like an Appalachian. Yeah, that bitch should be on Ozarks. Bring up Afghan Afghan. A pretty dog. Afghan. Afghan is like like a Saluki, but not on Afghan is like a Saluki but not on crack. Yeah, Saluki's do look strung out.

Yeah, they look like they're on methadone. They look like a pretty blonde woman. What? Justin. You don't see what I'm saying? He's talking too long with dogs, Justin. From a guy who didn't want to fuck dogs, you really have a type. Not that Afghan. No, not not Malala get her out of here First of all those that's a Jew who brought that up

Don't get mad at us She's actually cute though. I tell you it's cuter than a fucking Saluki I'll tell you what though after you get six dogs in a row that you're like why would you fuck these dogs once you see A human woman you're like, would you fuck these dogs? Once you see a human woman, you're like, that dog's unbelievable. That's amazing. Justin, what's universally considered the most fuckable dog as a dog, man? Afghans, I think.

I don't know. There's got to be countries where they do do that. An Afghan. I bet that's a Googleable thing. Sure. I bet that's a Googleable thing. I don't suggest that you type that into the there was a story I have a bit about this but there's a there's a you don't have to let us know

nobody's stealing your fucking bit it's just in case I don't but I'm not there's a nobody's gonna go that's Danny Braff spit. He's doing bits. Nobody knows you Nobody's fucking knows you There was an Australian zoologist that got in trouble for fucking 42 dogs. No. Yeah, that's a lot Is he in jail? Oh, yeah, they caught him. He's in dog jail. He's at the pound right now They put him in the pound that you You have to just look at other dogs and want to fuck them for eight years. It's like when a pedophile goes to prison and all the other inmates gang up.

There was an episode of autopsy where a guy was having sex with dead animals and he would and also his dead wife and his dead wife preserved her and created some sort of thing so he could have sex like to preserve her body like a mummy and then created something that he made, I don't know, like a toilet paper roll or something in her vagina so he could have sex with her body. My wife gives me shit about my flesh light.

How dare you. It was sort of like a flesh light. Is it illegal to fuck a dead animal? Yes, Bobby. I think so. It's dead. Here's the thing, I agree with you philosophically, but I think the law is gonna get involved.

I don't think you can have sex with an animal, I don't think that's legal, period. So if you find a dead dare on the side of the highway, What? You can eat it, but not fuck it? I don't know that. Yeah, I think that's probably the case. I would think that that's probably the case.

It's not a, it's not. I agree with you, we live in a weird world. I don't think it's right either. We're gonna get in a lot of trouble for these, but I think all these are Googleable questions. Is it illegal to have sex with an animal or a dead animal? No, dead animal, not an animal.

I don't want to sing with a soul. Something that's left the earth. Something that's on the side of the highway that nobody wants. I don't want to fuck, I don't want to fuck Tigger, the neighborhood dog. What if I found Tigger on the side of the road and threw it in the back of my truck and took her home? That's my business.

I think you're right. Yes, because a dead animal can't give consent. What? Wait, what happened? What is it? Wait, is that a joke? Can give what can never give you you can fuck or you can't oh cuz it can't give sick What how do you as opposed to like a dog? It's like that wants it is that why cats purr?

What animal can give consent Here we go again Let's Google. Can a monkey I mean they're the most human like right then grab it That yeah, there's got to be there's gotta be cases of that Animals cannot consent to sexual act they are innocent beings and could not want such things well They could want it you just wouldn't know so yeah, you wouldn't know. What if you killed a bug with your dick? A bug? You could probably do anything to a bug. I think you can kill a bug with your dick, yeah. I think a mammal, I think a fish, you can probably do that too. You can fuck a fish.

I think you could probably fuck a fish. Really? I think that like when I think like a mammal, I think like a mammal, I don't, I don't mean like you can like- How do you hold on to it? Yeah, I understand the logistics. I think like a mouth. I don't I don't mean like you can like you hold on to it Yeah, I understand the logistics Ability to I'm saying I bet it Fish fucking gloves did the fish slip out of hands me trying to fuck his little weird that like and subscribe button and we'll send you our fish fuck gloves These are like the other fish Get enough patreon subscribers Bobby willk a fish on the Patreon.

Would you? Would you? No, Justin. Can I tell you, I'm so dumb. That's where his f**king open mic stupidness took it too far. I thought that was probably something you'd discuss. That's funny to his friends in Jersey and at Magic Camp. Bobby will f**k something you'd discuss. That's funny to his friends in Jersey and at Magic Camp. Bobby will fuck something if you subscribe. Fucking idiot.

Sounds like Aaron Burgs act. I'll fuck a fish if you fucking, huh? I'll fuck a fish. If you subscribe. Oh God, well that was fun. I wanna go back though, you said an Afghan. That was your pick. Yeah, bring up an Afghan. I mean, an Afghan, I had one. You did? Yeah, her name was fun. I want to go back to you said an Afghan. That was your pick. Yeah, bring up an Afghan.

I mean, Afghan, I had one. You did? Yeah, her name was Bo when I was a little kid and my fucking beautiful name. That's what it means, beautiful in French. And look at that. Come on. They look just like, dude, they look just like the Saluki

with their hair. What are you talking about? Yeah, except they're not fucking AIDS looking. Put them side by side. They look exactly the same dude. That's hot. That looks like every blonde in fucking Yugoslavia. Those dogs are so close to each other. They're not close. Yes they are. They're very close. Look at that hair. Oh my god. Now go to the Saluki. Look at the structure. Look at that dude. That's the style of the haircut. Anthony, which one? Come on.

Oh, an afghan, definitely. I'm saying you see the similarities in the breeds. You see the similarities? There are similarities in the bone structure. But not hair. Yeah, this Saluki, that is a strung out, that is a woman, that is a woman from Tennessee who's fucking in her way. I don't like North.

Yeah, that bitch works at a gas station. That other one, that other one is fucking at a, a dance club. Yeah. You're looking at a tale of two sisters. You know, bring in the other one. Look, look at that one. Now look at this one. Yeah. I see, I see that this is a more, this is a more attractive individual. Well, it's not an individual, it's a dog. Yeah. Let's not get crazy with this. This individual dog is more attractive

than that individual dog. But I'm saying those dogs are very, it's like, you know, people are similar. That girl, look at that tongue. Oh, god. That girl? That girl? I'm sorry.

Look at that tongue. That's a nice tongue. Yeah, yeah. Look at, oh my god. Come on, Justin. Oh, no, I get it. It's like Farrah Fawcett. That's a nice tongue. Yeah, yeah. Look at it. Oh my god. Come on, Justin. Oh, no, I get it. That's like Farrah Fawcett. You know what?

That's exactly what we're going to get. I swear to god. I want to get that poster hanging on Max's wall. Jesus Christ. Look at the eyes on it. She's like, you want to fuck, big man? I've never had. Hey, hey, human.

You want a piece of this? If you cover the face with your hand and just look at the hair, it looks exactly like a woman. Oh my god, they have these dogs driving in a convertible and guys are like, who's that? And then you pull up and it's that. That dog's gorgeous. Oh, I'm sorry, miss, are you new in town? Yeah, exactly.

Look at those little shitty dogs. You got to get a pit bull next, Bobby. Like my dog. I'm not fucking a pit bull. No, I'm not gonna fuck it. I'm saying that. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know where we were going. You gotta get a dog like my dog. Yeah, your dog, if I really want fucking hardcore sex. Yeah, I would just fuck a German at that point.

Wow. Nine? You liked it. Nine? I did, but nobody else did. I know. Didn't even make that fucking Cacklebox Max laugh. I know, I know, I know. I really thought I had him, but.

Yeah. Yeah, that's an attractive dog. That's a beautiful dog. So which is the dog out of all the dogs, what would you pick? What was that? The one with the big white fuzzy ass. The Farrah Fawcett.

Oh, we're not counting these? No, I mean, it's an Afghan or a Saluki. Saluki. It's an Afghan all the way. But I like that dog that was just kind of showing. Yeah, this one. The first one. Yeah, this one.

He's the thick, yeah. But she's actually saying you want this. Yeah, that's what I like, yeah. She wants me. Would you play with, bring my milkshake to the yard. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. That wants me. Would you play with all, bring my milkshake to the yard? My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. That's right. I'm better than yours. That's right. I like how she's looking back.

She's a bad girl. I don't have to charge. You have to clean out of that asshole, though. Yeah, it's going to be a day. This is where we're adults having a conversation. It's got weird. It's been weird since we said, what one would you fuck? Yeah.

We've been raiding dogs to fuck for like a half hour. I feel like I was not participating in that. No, you were trying to sell us on the Saluki. You're trying to pimp out your goddamn Saluki. If you had to. You're a Saluki pimp. If you had to. How dare you?

What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, man. We're joking around. You got mad. If you had to. Why, you won't fuck us a little guy? I? Don't sound like that. I Don't sound like that I'm sorry. I'm not Dan soda. Oh

God wow that's fucking great. Yeah, so let me ask you question good. Yeah, you're married right? Mm-hmm Hard pivot. Hard pivot. I mean I know. How do you get out of it? How long have you known this bro? I want to still talk about dogs. Yeah of course. Me too. I don't know what this is gonna be but sure. I'm married Bobby. Put the dogs back on screen. Get the dog back out there. Yeah man. Bring up some more dogs. It's about the same. I love, blah, blah, blah. Get a fucking dog over there. Yeah, you know what? Let me raid it.

Get some more dogs. Marriage, marriage. Get some dog tail up there. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Oh.

So what's that? What is that? We have a World's Ugliest Dog Contest. So they're pulling up. We have the winners of the world's ugliest dogs from each year. Jeez. All right. Let's see this. This is good.

These are the dogs you won't fuck. That's, thank you, Danny. That's the turn I needed. So do you love your wife? I know, man. That was like fucking Byron Allen. So you like girls, you're married. Is that a Chinese crested that was like burnt or something? What is that?

Burnt? I love that it's called Mr. Happy Face. Chinese crested. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. Unkempt. Unkempt. And the dog's ugly too. I knew it.

Good? Oh, that's not not I mean, yeah. Yeah. I think that's quite a tongue. But then you go, you follow that tongue up to those teeth and you go, never mind. Holy shit. That's not ugly. That's not ugly. That's just droopy. Yeah.

That's just that's just a chick on those Zempik. That's a neop that's just a Neapapolitan. Yeah, neapolitan mask. This is Sharon Osborne. Yeah, they're all like the Chinese... they're all the Chinese crested that look like this. Look at the fingernails. I mean, geez, it looks like a Chinese... looks like a Chinese lady. Yeah, Chinese crested. Yeah, that thing... they're like... they have no hair, so they get sunburned. Oh, my Jesus Christ. What the fuck is that?

That thing's just old, I think. Oh, yeah, that's disgusting. Peanut. Peanut. Looks like you're fed it a peanut. It was allergic. Is that the one that won? That one is not ugly. I want these all from different years. OK, when I was not, that the one that won? That one's not ugly. These all won from different years.

Okay. Win over 2013. That one's not ugly. That's not that ugly. It's just deformed. They're all the Chinese crested. I love that all these ugly dogs have ugly holes. That fucking, holy shit.

You know that one won because of her. I think that's why you do it, right? If you go, I'll get an uglier dog. And then you go, what the fuck is that? Whoa. Is that its arm? Yeah. Oh my God.

What is that thing? It'd be funny if that dog wasn't, it wasn't fucking ugly. It was just dying. Every day they just, they give dog cancers just to win this trophy. No, that just is an underbite. I mean, if it was a girl it would be ugly. Oh, Gus. Whoa. That bitch just poked the dog in the eye to win.

Man, Gus looks like he was in Fallout. Oh, God. Great show. He's great. I like that one. That one's cute that one's you know what that one's ugly cute I got Archie oh god oh god well I would throw that thing out a window the next one's rough bad gremlin pleased to meet you

Sam that looks like a bad gremlin this Pleased to meet you Sam. That looks like the bad gremlin. This one won three years in a row. Of course it did. I think I fucked that one in Appleton, Wisconsin. After a second show on Saturday. That dog is really rough looking. My God. That legitimately looks like a horror movie.

Like if an animal turned. What do you feed that thing? Other dogs? What the fuck is that? My God, get rid of it. That one's kind of cute. That looks punk rock. Yeah, they're all the Chinese crested. Look at that. That's it. Wow. That last one, let me see that last fucking... Oh God, dude.

Incredible. What kind of breed is that, Justin? Chinese crested. Look. Oh, that's another one? All the Chinese crested. Yeah. These are dogs that were in a fucking experiment that they sent to America. That's that's where Covid came from. Yeah, that's actually that's such a man from Chernobyl. All right. I mean, I did the joke before with.

Yeah, I guess you kind of did. Try to punch it up, your writer. Bring your bring your bring your uncle Vinny's material. Yeah, now you see why it did so well. You asked me if he was married. Let's get back into my marriage, Bob. Trying to keep you on track here. This is unbelievable.

How many dogs have you and your wife fucked? Do you have a dog? What did you say? Do you have a dog? No. We had Afghan hounds growing up. You did? Yes.

They're beautiful. Yeah, they terrified me though. Why? I can't tell you. They're big? The size of yourself as a kid and the size of an Afghan hound, they're like horses.

Big. And they, you know, also my aunt and uncle, they fed them. Bring up the hot horses. Oh, all right, let's get down to business. I'll fuck all horses. Yeah, same. I mean, those muscular asses. But's get down to business. I'll fuck all horses. Yeah, same. I mean, those muscular asses.

But they have a feminine grace. I know they get every time. I agree. A horse is a beautiful animal. Yeah, especially if you want to bang it. What is the most animal? What is the number one animal that gets banged by people? Sheep. Great question.

You think? Yeah, because I think like, I'm going to get in trouble for this. Aren't they like for this? What do you think the rest of the set? You're'm going to get in trouble for this. Aren't they like, for this? What do you think the rest of the... Aren't you going to get trouble for pimping out Sookies? Saloogies? Saloogies. Aren't there countries where like, aren't there countries in the Middle East where they

fuck sheep? Scotland. Scotland fuck sheep? I mean, that's the stereotype. No, don't just say shit. You have a computer, look it up, you fucking asshole. But that's like a thing people say about us. Yeah, I know it's a thing.

Just look it up. What? That was mean that's like a thing people say about me. Yeah, I know it's a thing. Just look it up. What? That was mean. No, it's not mean. Oh. He's just yammering into a microphone. Scotland fucks things. It's like, there is a thing.

Bobby's a meanie. There's no, I'm not a meanie. You just got to fucking look it up. Which is the country that, what country fucks things? No, you said what animal gets fucked up? Sheep, right? What animal gets banged the most by humans? Like a sheep.

And I think sheep is probably more approximating. Welch people. Welch people, they do, yeah. Yeah, it's not Scotland, it's Welch, which is in England, it's a different country. You know a lot. And you know what, I'll tell you why. Sheep, their vaginas are supposed to be the most,

like a human vagina, like a woman's vagina. This information came to you from what? From experience. I worked on a farm in outstate New York. I remember I was working on a farm in upstate New York on my first day there, there was a retarded kid that worked there and he was walking up to me

and he was like, hey, hi, he was holding a cat and the cat was just like this like Lenny just lying there like this like oh god and as i walked up closer i saw his finger was in his vagina and i was like yo dude i don't think you can do that he's like that's how you hold it he goes he goes i'm sorry i'm sorry and the cat was like yo man why don't you mind your business and the cat was like, yo man, why don't you mind your business? The cat was like, yo man, mind your beeswax. Anyways, how's your wife? Good, man. Yeah, I'm glad you asked.

It's been about a year. It's going really well. You've been married for a year? Yeah. Oh, I think we have another animal to fuck. What is it? what animals are? What animals read it? Yes, what animals are most are most guilty of bestiality? I think I think it would be what people most guilty of guilty I'm assuming you mean what animals are most often used by human for sexual purpose. They're guilty Do you see those dogs were dressed the animals most often used are dogs horses? How I don't see how that's possible.

Donkeys, livestock, cattle go cheap. Chickens. I don't know how that's possible either. And dead deer, Bobby. Wow. Dead deer. Oh, shit. You were right. Wow. Told you. I don't. How do you kind of unbelievable, man? How would you fuck a horse? The vagina is a mass. You don't fuck the horse. The horse fucks you.

I've seen those videos. Yeah, that's right. I died from that. I bet. You ever see that video? Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. There's a video so the guy what? Mr. Beast. Yeah he digs wells for little African kids and everyone needs a release. Yeah the guy the guy fucks the word and it kills him. Well the guy goes into the stall and they he goes in and the what the one guy wass the word and it kills him. Well the guy goes into the stall and he goes in and the, one guy was holding the penis and then he put it in the guy's rump and the horse was like, all right, and then the horse said, he bucked the guy out of the way

and just went, ooh, and it went, it's this big, and it went and hit his fucking organs. Holy shit. Yeah, it's an 800 pound animal. Right. Oh, I don't deny why it died. I understand if you had a horse stick hit your heart. I'm on the side of science on this one man. If a horse stick hits your heart you'll die. Was this videotaped for entertainment purposes? No. It was called Mr. Hands not Mr. Beast. Mr. Hands. Yeah he no he did did it, because, I mean, look.

Go ahead, explain the rationale. Well, I mean, they only make dildos so big. You know what I mean? I get upset at those videos where you see the women blowing the horses and stuff. What? Where you see them. Wait, hang on, I love that you pitched this. Where you see them. I mean, I've been looking up.

You've seen those, yeah, I did. I have looked it up. Shawn told me I looked it up. No, it was pop up on Facebook. It's a guy. Yeah. It's Biden and Trump and then, ugh. Ugh.

A horse. I can't get away from these things. A horse dick is like this. Is like this. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. That is too big. I'm like this. Yeah. Yeah, I don That is too big. I'm like this. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know how you couldn't fuck a horse. No, the guy you could stick your whole hands in a horse when they're birthing a cat, a baby horse, a pony. A baby horse. What's a baby horse? Pony. A philly. No, a pony is a small horse. It's not a baby horse. Yeah. But whatever, they pull it out. No, it's a cow. What is a small horse. It's not a baby horse. Yeah. But whatever, they pull it out, no it's a cow.

Nope, it's a cow. What's a baby horse? Man, for people that really want to fuck animals, we don't know anything about that. Yeah, we know, we're not, we're not. That's why it hasn't worked out. A fowl. A fowl. A fowl, okay.

That's a fowl, it's when you're fucking the, you're fucking the horse and a baby horse comes out on your dick. Shranthi, how's your wife? She's good man, you know, she's just like, you know, we're just falling into like, you know, marriage life. Is your wife? She's good, man. You know, she's just like, you know, we're just falling into like, you know, marriage life. Is your wife a comedian? Yeah, she doesn't really do it as much anymore. She's kind of just like a, not just like,

but she's a preschool teacher now. Oh really? Yeah. That's great. Nurture her. No. You're gonna have kids after this? No, probably not after this episode.

Yeah. How old are you? We'll get a bunch of dogs for sure. How old are you? Oh! 41. Oh, these horses really go at it. I mean that's just nuts. Oh my god. I just sorry I just noticed the blood. Is that a guy getting humped by a horse in New York City? It's a police officer getting humped by his horse. Oh the horse grabbed him. The other the other police officer is trying to arrest the horse.

I didn't know horses do that. Like a dog humping your leg? You won't arrest the Palestinians up in Columbia, but this is out of line. That's what you should do. You should let that horse go up there and have him fuck all those protesters. I didn't know they did that. So your wife? She's good, you know.

I don't know, maybe we'll take a vacation. I don't know, we'll see. To a farm? Yeah, I think we'll see. Honey, you can only come if you hear brrr. We'll just look at your watch. No, no, no, no. I was seeing if this was charging.

Well, yeah, it's it's. Do you like being married? Oh, yeah, I like it. Yeah, you do. Gets in the way of my animal fucking. But you know, other than that, it's good. This is insane. Until June of 2021, Hawaii, New Mexico, West Virginia and Wyoming are the only states where

bestiality was illegal. Was elite because they don't think anyone else is going to. God damn it. Like we don't have to write this down. I understand Wyoming. I understand West Virginia. Mexico I get but Hawaii. Why would why would why would why would it be okay? Why would they want to fuck in Hawaii? There's a big meth problem there. Oh really? There is.

The things you'll do for fucking meth. You ever do meth? By a real dog. Did you see that episode? I'm coming in. You fucked too many pigs. Too many. You can fuck one. I'm surprised pig is not on the list. Why? Of animals.

To fuck. Do they have similar vaginas? I'm surprised pig is not on the list. Why? Of animals? To fuck? Do they have similar vagina? I think pigs are very like, whenever they're going to make human parts, they make them out of pigs. Yeah, but never the pussy. No, I definitely don't think that. But I mean, they use a lot of pig stuff in humans.

I know you want to transition and we're going to use a pig vagina make your new pussy. Yeah, I don't know I fuck some pigs Yeah, they use pigs to make human we stop trying out your act. Don't try to get one cuz you bombed tonight All right, just trying to do a set on my show So wait, what is what animal is the vagina most similar? I don't know. It's a sheep. It's a sheep, okay. Type in what animal is the most similar to. I believe it's sheep. I don't know this for a fact. Oh, I know, I know.

Your time on the farm, I know. You don't? You don't like to talk about it. I don't. I'm pretty sure it's a sheep. I hope it's a sheep. It felt like, from my experience. Oh my God, this episode's going downhill. What is it?

Sheep? Okay. This is a personal experience. Okay, go ahead, read it. When I saw, let me clarify, I'm reading someone else's answer, this is not me. This is Danny Braff's thoughts. We're reading from Danny Braff's journal.

Danny Braff said, sheep, when I saw sheep. A woman wrote this. A woman wrote this. Wow. Krista. Go ahead, read it. When I saw sheep, I was surprised how much the vagina looked human. I can definitely see where the whole sheep fucking farmer trope came from. All right, please take that, clip that. I want that. Anytime Danny's on the show. She felt the need to enter this information on the internet. I wonder if there's a farmer out there who they fucked a sheep first, but then fucked a woman,

and when they fucked a woman, they went, you feel so much like a sheep. It's crazy. Oh, he was like this, ugh. This is not as tight as a sheep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, man, you just don't have that sheep pussy. No, I was just, where you going? I'm going out in the don't have that sheep pussy. Where you going? I'm going out in the backyard to get some real pussy. Anyways, we got questions for you guys. Oh, what do you got going on? Plug your dates. What do you got? I got, oh, they're written on this thing.

I'm gonna bring them up. We got a whole, we got three kids here. Do it when we bring it up. We're bringing it up. Okay, great. I'll think I're going to bring them up. We got a whole three kids here. Do it when we bring it up. We're bringing it up. OK, great. I think I'm going to be I'll be at the Comedy Dojo in. Oh, here we go. Right here. But it'll be Boston. Yeah, live show May 17th at the Hideout Bronx, New York, at

Bruce's 25th May 25th. Yep. And then you can get tickets at I am Justin Silver dot com or on my social media. You should change that backdrop to the backdrop. By the way. Yeah. Of my. No, no, no. I want to. I'm going to. Yeah, I should. I'm going to redo my website. They would show. Look at websites that you like. I brought up yours, dude. Oh, thank you. Good website. All right. All right. Who's this? Oh, is me. Oh, working baby.

Where am I? Oh, Milford? I'll be in Milford on Wednesday Milford, no for Connecticut You like doing bad gigs Will be there twice dude Yeah, right. Then I'm going back to Milford. Are you gonna back? I guess I here's fucking Milford Okay, good for you Boston made, May 10th, and then, oh yeah, I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky with Sam from May 31st to June 2nd.

Don't forget the other Connecticut gig. God, yeah. What is that? That's in Milford. Milford, Hartford. Hartford, Connecticut. And then other comedy scene in Foxborough in June and then Boston or Cambridge at the end of June

Make sure you check out their websites check out their shows two funny hilarious guys Thank you, Bob go to punch up dot live from my dates. I'm all over the place Stanford Connecticut at the New York Comedy Club Port Charlotte Just go to punch up dot live for my dates and all my other stuff all my unedited clips go up there Probably have to put this episode up on punchup.live Jesus Christ, I don't know who's beeping this fucking yeah, we really hit a gear and stayed there Yeah, what if this is the show that makes us all popular? Yeah within a very we have to start our own podcast just about this yeah, you'd definitely be the dog guy after this episode. No one's gonna clip this. No one's gonna clip it. This is gonna affect me. No, your business is gonna triple. Hey, will you take my dog? Can you make him more attractive?

He has to give sashay around the apartment. All the dogs that people are going to be in are going to be in negliges. Anyways, make sure you check out these guys. What do you guys got? Max Marcus Comedy, all social media. Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and come to Comedy Averve in Somerville, New Jersey the third Thursday of every month. And then you can just type in the cheese show on YouTube, and my cheese show comes up. There you go, man.

Well, this is the episode, guys. Thank you for watching. We're going right now. If you guys want to, the questions are going to be on patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We're going to go over there, ask these guys questions that you guys asked right from the Patreon. We're going to do a little more time over there.

I hope you enjoyed the show. Smash that Subscribe button. Smash that Subscribe button. Smash that subscribe button. Please. This might be the last episode of YKWD. This went off the rails. Oh god, this is going to come back to me. It's going to all of us. Not him. No, he's in Milford. This is my brand. He's got what I'm known for. All his dates are going to be on farms in upper Connecticut. All his dates are gonna be on farms in Upper Connecticut. We'll go to Patreon right now. We'll see you guys next week on You Know What, Dude?

You guys are the best. Later.