Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Lester Bangs

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

Robert is joined by YKWD first-timers Chris Lamberth and Andrew Schulz as well as Dan Soder, Joe List and Chris Scopo.  RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. ¿Yor listening to Robert Kelly's? ¿Y no lo sé, dude? ¡On the RiotCast Network! RiotCast.com All right, cheque de la idea. Aquí en mi día, si ustedes siempre les preguntan a mi ¿cuál es el que te va a ir a jugar cuando me va a ir a mi canal?

¿Y cuando me va a ir a la Jersey Man? ¿Y cuando me va a ir a la Maryland? out here on my date, you guys are always asking me where you're going to be playing when he coming to my town. When he coming back to Jersey, man. When he coming back to the Maryland. Well here you go. Here are my dates. So get a pen and a piece of paper and jot it down. October 10th, 11th, 12th. Mugubi's Joe Kaus in Maryland. Love that club too.

And then I'm back October 24th at the Revelle Casino, brand new Casino Atlantic City. I'm doing an hour show once you're only. That's a fucking good time. So get your tickets for that. October 25th, 26th, comedy works Albany. October 31st, funny bone, Sacra. Where is it Syracuse? That's the 31st through the third. That's a long one That's up in Syracuse. I think that's a new club the funny bone in Syracuse October 31st to November 3rd November 7th 8th 9th I'm in Toronto, Canada for the dark comedy festival T.Dot baby December 6th side splitters all

the way to December 8th in Tampa. Tampa, I love Tampa. December 27th, comedy shop, blackstone, blackstone. I don't know what the fuck that is. It's it's fuck my wife fucked up on this one. So she's gonna have to fix it. But that's enough. You get it. Go to robbercullylive.com right now. If I didn't mention your town, it might be up on my website. If not email me, the club you want me to come to and I will make sure my agent is on it. So there you go. okay here we go dudes we uh... intro for the show lester bangs this is a fun one

uh... we had a couple new guys on that have never been on the podcast to uh... you know very excited that there were uh... got to come down chris lamb earth is a friend of paul verzy i met him on the way to a gig uh... really cool guy funny guy he came on uh... a guy been trying to get on for a while, but he's been so fucking hot and busy. Andro Shilts, very funny comedian. For a great actor, I actually filmed the Bronx War, it's the pilot we did last summer. He was one of the main guys in it, and he was great. So it was good to have him on. We had Dan Soda, Joe List, Chris Scope,

or the intern, Not Kelly, and myself. This was a good one. Real funny. It was good to have some fresh blood on there. And so enjoy the this podcast, the Lester Banks. I want to thank all you son of a bitches who have donated. You know who you are. Well, we announced you on the show this week. So thank you so much for doing that. All that money goes back into the podcast. We have huge news coming for a ride cast in the next week. So stay tuned.

Big news. We have a great show coming up. We're adding new shows to the network. All good things. That's it, man. Thanks for supporting our sponsors. And keep clicking those links. Keep buying shit with the codes. And everything is going to be all right. All right? So you enjoy the sit back in your cube, your truck,'re fucking minivan while you waitin' up. Alternate side park in New York City. Where the fuck you are? And enjoy this two-hour podcast that we have presented you at the YKWD podcast for free.

So enjoy, fucker. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Chrysler. Staying cookin' you are listening to Robert Kelly's You know what dude? You know what dude?

You know what dude? If you bippy bbya, if you bippy boo, dippy dippy dhya, yabba dabba do. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's with me, you know what do? You know what do? I Shut up I don't think I'm I don't think I'm bringing like you got good hair. Yeah, no, I think I have decent hair. I'm gonna have a good hair I'm gonna have here the rest of my life, which is is nice. Yeah white has that's how your hair lines always been. Yeah, I'm never her white people talk about here

This much. It's fun. It's fun. It's very Just let everybody know that you're black Yeah, just gave it away. You just gave it away Which is this is a very gay conversation. I think it's but I like it This is what happens when your hair leaves you I think with three guys that are pretty in touch with our feminine side. Yeah, very sensitive guys. Do we have to redo that Chris? How you doing Chris? You are a full Chris

I'm gonna go put it there Look at that big old butt just hanging out over the chair What's that? Do we have food? You got to eat before you come on. There's no eating in the studio. I like the fun that Joe that you just give a barbecue set up Condor is in the building He's right now and there's no eating but Joe does his ribs There's no hey, can I get a coke other little baby coke? Yeah, can I grab one?

There's no hey can I get a coke other little baby coke? Yeah, can I grab one? Yeah, do they have a coke zero? No, you know what we can do can you do me a favor? See uh Shirts see this thing right here this mic. You know it fucked the you stream fuck it right in its face I don't want it. I just want to do a regular podcast And he doesn't do anything if it's not on camera. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even know. Yeah, you can't.

Oh, no, no, no, no, put that back on. We need that. Where did the clamps go that were? I'm so fucking mad at Louis. I'm so mad at Louis J. Do they have diet? I'm so fucking mad. I'm so mad.

Oh, she's so cold. Do they have diet or coke zero? There's no coke zero Chris. Did you get coke zero? Chris did you get the coke zeros? I said don't what give me a slice of pizza You said I thought I thought I thought I thought you know you're a stuttering fucking Lesson fuck the you to put it down let it let it let it lie Let it lie right here to sit down. All right guys. How you doing? Turn your headphones down. I had some complaints about

People being low, but he here's a thing. I can't teach you fucks how to talk into a microphone and Some people that come on the show don't know that you have to eat the microphone even if you tell me to eat the microphone It's a hard thing to do to talk to people all around Well You got to eat the microphones guys. That's all and turn your shit down yourself And and it was this guy's asshole fucking system too. Some guy, did you allow, and I can't hear anybody else? Yeah, well fucking, your headphones are broken,

ass face. Well, you're listening to Mono. Yeah. What the fuck do I want to tell you? Find a new show, Joker. Anyways. Do you show them, Joe? Fuck.

You alright? Am I alright? I don't know. I don't know if I'm... Ah, fuck. You alright? Am I alright? I don't know. I don't know if I'm alright. You ain't alright. You can go with this. Well, can I tell you, I met a fan. I met a great fan in Grand Rapids

and he said, a huge fan of my goodfellas references. He's like, people don't laugh. They don't get it, but he's like, but I'm at home. He's like, I love him. You know goodfellas are the port that it's not fun to play along with you. I think I could type the script with under 50 mistakes. You really think you're gonna be the... The first cup I could do, I could realistically, I could type out forest comp with less than 100.

Goodfell is probably 200 because there's so many fucks that you'd miss fucks and shit. One of the worst parts of being friends with Joe List is... You have his face? You have a forehead. You had misfucks and shit. One of the worst parts of being friends with Joe List is having his treat you off. Yeah, and his mouth. And the second one is... Guys, the face is fucking forehead and mouth. Alright, take it as a face.

We get it. First of all, we have to get mini cogs just so he can drink them. The mouth is the same size yet, jerk. Yeah, jik-a-f. Go jerk. Yeah, Jekaph. Go ahead. Your favorite thing about Joe. Trying to quote movies around Joe is just impossible. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I'm like a, I'm like a shitty dad with like soda. It gets like a double in T ball. I'm like, you shouldn't fucking homework.

Yeah. Like he'll be like, yeah, give me a, bring me a water spider. And I'm like, it's fucking, yeah. Spider. Spider bring me a water. You jerk'm like it's fuck it. Yeah spider bring me a water You jerk, so you just get sad so it's sad I'll have like a great one from the big love house gonna be like it's actually this and I'll say the line correct That's what it was for scum. I was like I'm sorry I got into a fist fight in the middle of your black Panther party. Yeah, yeah, and then you set it the other way

Yeah, but here's I'm not a stats guy you know I hate that shit I used to hang around with Jay Moore and Matt Frost and they fucking just sports stats they who the who was the guy who hit the home run in 1962 dirt shout gives a fuck I had a nice sports fail with Andrew Schultz down downstairs we're talking about the nuggets and I called Javon McGee All right, so let's check it out We were just getting into why but it's all good. All right listen here. We go. Well, let's introduce everybody before we've been talking for it I hit the mics back a long time ago There's around fucking eight minutes of bull.

And then now we're gonna get into it. So let's go around the room and introduce ourselves. I'm paying Chris Lambert. Well, it's because time won't water cable, not working right now. Okay, so no fucking fucking fuck you stream. There's no you stream this week because number one is not fast enough internet.

Number two, there is fast enough internet but no one can't hook it up The condor is in the building Okay I'm Chris Lambert and he's black. I'm black. He is he doesn't sound black. No, he's like Uncle Phil black Like cuz I'm educating oh shit. I so it's gotta be What do you mean? How did we know you're educated? I don't know I guess cuz I know I was there's like cuz I'm not cuz I'm not Urban cuz you know how to fucking put the new IOS fucking device I will put your headphones on so you don't talk over people Andrew that's I was saying you're educated, it was the hue.

Oh, the hue of your skin. Well, I mean, from where I am now, like when I used to pick up the phone when I was a kid, they used to think I was my mom. So I think, You sound black now. Yeah, I'm, you sound like Best Buy. No, but I was saying like,

I used to work at Best Buy. You sound Best Buy, but you sound like the manager of, and you guys have headphones, oh yes, we do. Sure we do. Let me ask you some more questions from Best Buy. This is helping wipe me. manager of the head you guys have headphones for yes we do we do that that's just one question for best by helping white where do you guys have the ipad mini sure we have that what do you look at the quality need black that that that that that we got charcoal black that that

we got uh... and will shultz over here uh... very funny comedian and uh... great actor thanks also uh... i actually did wrong warrants with him last year. Really fucking killed it in the room. We'll talk about that later. Aditioning for that part. I actually already got the part. So then I asked if I could audition just to be on that side.

I've never been on that side of it when you get to see, you know, who's kind of never been on that side. It was so interesting to see. And this guy walks in and I'm like, oh shit, fucking comic. It's gonna fucking take a hot one. They had some Broadway actors coming in. And they're fucking, and then there's guys that you like see on TV and they fucking sock. They fucking blow.

It was a guy from the wire that delivered his lung. Hang on, fucking, who, what are you, a bunch of hours? How many feet would survive if I loved the one? Fucking below. It was a guy from the wire that delivered his long. Chang on. Fucking, who, what are you, a bunch of hours? How much viewed his wife, I love the wife. He was the fat guy. Remember the really fat detective? Yeah. Yeah, him.

He comes in and I'm like, oh my God. And he delivered, he made a choice. He was just silly. He just fucking delivered his line to the window. And we're all looking like, dude, we're over here. We're over here. Like over here like we can't see what he's doing and then he turns it was some weird shit, but Chilty walks in oh my god boy But he fucking just nails it. I mean fucking I mean nails it did he nail it? Dude when he when he was done. I went hold I went dude

I know that's the fucking guy like I would you know when somebody's so you're happy You're like oh good. We don't have to fucking do this anymore I just like the thought of you asking them to be on that side of the addition process and then overstepping your boundaries after Shultz's audition like did you got the road? Bobby we didn't say you could say that Any of that authority I thought you were fucking with me. You were very complimentary afterwards Yeah, you know that's the first acting I me. Trust me. I don't know any of that authority. I thought you were a fuck with me. You were very complimentary afterwards. Yeah. You know, that's the first acting I've ever done.

Right. So I don't know. Well, let's not, but you've had a lot of girlfriends. OK, true, true. They were usually the ones that didn't have a fucking acting. I love you. I love you too. It's a good, good uncle, girl.

Nothing. I have, no, I'm not cheating on you. No, there wasn't a molestation joke. You're fucking. That was a fucking, we all out of our girlfriends joke He's saying it was the quality of your uncle nice. All right, go ahead like a you know, right thanks Joe No, thank you Joe Joe. No, but thank you Joe. No, but thank you Joe. All right, go ahead You got a fucking reference for that. No, but thank you. I'm between for a soda's introduction

I get excited for it. So anyways, he fucking killed it. But Dan Soda, monster voice. Hi. What's up buddy? Nothing, that was really like last year. It was more interesting. I thought it was gonna be a little bit short. Trust me, I work this out.

I don't know if you notice every week, I kind of take care of it. We can get back to what we have to get back to. And we got Joe, a list, aka the truth. Oh, thanks. And then we got, we got got we got fucking did you we got we got we got Kelly for still got aka Chris bubble butt fucking scope uh-huh yeah no dude yeah oh Chris has got way more

by I got a photo after I noticed he took a shirt off we pull up to the stress factory this weekend First of all, he came out to the stress factory with me and Gomez and he came up Friday night, too Me and Michelle Wolf. Oh love Michelle Wolf And yeah, she's great. She's cool He takes a shirt off in the parking lot. It's I I didn't know he was half music a fucking Irregular sized midget. He has a midget body. You know Bobby? Today did the club. Can I sell the t-shirts?

He's got this little fat little bubble ass, a midget ass. He has a big man's ass. It's literally a grown man's ass, but it's a midget. If you stand up for a second, fortunately. Stand up for a second. You can leave the headphones on. They stretch. Turn around. That is a bull. Just turn up. Yeah. Stand up for a second. You can leave the headphones on, they stretch. Turn around. That is a bull.

Just turn around. Turn around. Show us that ass. Now, keep turning. Now, look it. You see it? That's a midget ass. That's a fucking midget ass.

Because his waist is really thin. I would only disagree by saying it. Turn it into me. It had to be more, it had to be more sprained on the side to be a true midget ass. Look it, it's not a fucking true midget ass, but that's a midget ass pick up the backshared a little bit I want to show you my favorite part. Okay pick it up that patch of hair. I almost threw up No, I don't have that

I save it when I go to the beach or something like that. You should fucking shave it when you take your shirt off in a parking lot In front of my easy taking shirt off in the parking lot in front of him. Why is he taking a shirt off in the parking lot? I was just changing. Because that's what I made him do. You want to open for me? What? Take off your fucking shirt. Hey, we'll get to the parking lot.

You take that off, right? I want to see the juicy tushy ears. You better grown out that back here. Take a lap around the car with your shirt off. These black girls were so, all these chicks after, I got a picture, it's on the Twitter, and the Facebook, these black girls wanted his ass so much, they came back twice.

They came back again just to touch his fat ass. Every show. Every show. Fucking nuts, they love his fat ass. Then Bobby's like, dude, does this dude? It's awesome That it you know it's best like I tell you to go over the the Twitter account. Why because it's so direct Kelly was on serial killer Yeah, Kelly's was like hey everybody look at these sweet fun photos. We got Chris is like Bobby with fans It's like look more Bobby with fans. Yeah, this is creepy. It's shit. Yeah, it's like look more Bobby with fans. You know, like this is creepy. It's shit. Yeah, it's fucking creepy

And you you got to be very specific when you tell them some yeah, tweet out those photos 19 photos space them out fuck face. I didn't tweet those out. Huh Kelly did I she did I put it in the drop box and then Kelly Upload what what is it called the drop box? I like the little thing you did with the finger drop box I like it. Yeah, Your hair is perfect again. Always is. He goes up on Friday night and we get him a five minute spot. He fucking kills it too. I thought he was going to stink.

You know what I mean? Because he hangs out with Kelly. Yeah. But he fucking goes up and he talks about his fat ass and F. Like I'm like, Jesus Christ, you talked about what I wanted you to fucking talk about. And he went up to this whole thing about his fucking midget ass. Fucking shultz, shultz pretty much made me do that because he made fun of my ass so much

when I drove him to levity that I had to get a bit about it. 15 minutes, I'll just talk about his ass in the beginning. It was just, because everybody knew it and nobody was talking about it. And all I was like, did you see his at and the whole audience? Yeah! The whole jealous girl's a screaming shit.

He's got a big fucking ass. And you wanna touch it. King Magazine. I wanna play with it. What is it? King Magazine. I'm like, it should be smagging for black dudes. Like what's not really for black dudes

is got black chicks with fat asses. It really is like a low rider. Yeah. Like he should be on a fucking low rider on the front cover the drop in big But definitely twerking for just looking back at it like looking over his shoulder That is own ass. Yeah, he'd be on a custom fucking chopper Him and row him and row have those fucking auto body. I want to be on the chopper in the front you get in the back Fucking sports car model bus fucking Louis J Gomez is suspended From the show for three weeks. I don't know

Because he's a fucking look it. You know what he is I have to compare him. It's like having a pet monkey You know, it's like oh my god. It's awesome. You teach him how to fucking sign and he knows that at all Hungry, you know, and then all of a sudden he's ripping your nose off. It's like you forget that it's a pet monkey Do you know what I mean? Yeah, this chimp this fucking chimp this a bitch-only line stepper first of all I fucking champ this abitually line stepper first of all I Tell them I can't you know we call them up. Hey, we're doing a show Tuesday We do the show every week. It's my fucking show. Therefore we do it when it's convenient for me and Five o'clock. I try to make it convenient for everybody like at a certain time where it's not gonna step on people's shows

Where they don't have to wake up and fuck it. You know, lose sleep, you come in nice time. And it's good for me. Number one. Your show. Number one for me, first me, and my family, and then everybody else. But I try to work with you assholes. And you know, I've worked with him two weeks in a row. We made the show earlier for him. And then he calls me when he was away. And I go uh, he goes, oh, man, I'm not coming back to Wednesday. Can you do a show Wednesday? I go, dude, no, we're doing the show Tuesday, but he's, uh, really, we love to do the show. I call him, I'll go, you know what? We did the show last week and it got fucked up. It, it was still looking

for it, but it, the show shut the fuck off two and a half hours in I lost it. It was a great episode Yeah, but I don't know where the fuck it is. I'm have sprants on it. We're trying to find it But we don't know where the fuck it is, okay? That's all that was all the evidence that Joe had against Bill Dawes's sexual aggression All of it. Yeah, yeah, I know it was a fun one. I'm trying to find it I just wanted to provoke Joe to make you sad Yeah, because I knew Joe was gonna get real and make it sad. Why did I get yelled at? You didn't say it was a fun one. I didn't get yelled at. I just said to put your hand at you gave me a stop sign. It was a it was a I couldn't remember the episode and I was

like oh right that's fun and you're like fucking stop. No because I didn't want you to get fucking sad. I'm not sad. I didn't want it before you fucking spiraled out of control again. All right, you know, you want to end the episode. All right, that's it. You're looking like a backup singer. That was a nice visual. Yeah. Thanks for the, yeah.

Save that for the cricket. I like that he waited for the pay off. Well, I like that he held it up there. Sort of a physical bit. So. We lost the episode. I was like, fuck it, I'll shoot it. I'll do another episode.

Wednesday. So I go, Lewis, we're doing the show. Wednesday. I can't do it. What? You said you're fucking wanting me to do a show. I won't be back. I'm like, you said you're gonna be back at 5.30. I won't be back till 7. I go, what do you mean 7?

How the fuck do you go from 5.30 to 7? He's lying. I caught him in a fucking lie. He goes, I'll be back at 6. I'm like, how the, you motherfucker, why would grown men? Why not savages? You don't need to lie. Just tell me, you don't want to do it or fuck you Then he goes I have a spot. I go what the fuck spot six what the spot what spot you have it goes L.O.L I'm like you're You're gonna do a spot have you been to L.O

Laugh out loud is L.O.L If that's the name of the fucking that put a lot of effort into that fucking name Well, that's the name of the fucking, that put a lot of effort into that fucking name. And then I'm like, you know what, go fuck yourself. You motherfucker, you tell me to do a show on Wednesday. I get a show on Wednesday, and I tell me to go fuck yourself because you're gonna do a fucking eight minute spot

in front of 14 fucking tourists and three comics at your stupid club, I'd fuck you. Then this Tuesday, I'm like, whatever, fuck it. I do the show, it's great show. Then he goes this Tuesday, Chris calls him. I can't do the show at five. Can Bobby move until three? I'm, you mother, no!

He's literally treating me the way he treats everybody else on his podcast Tinkle Vic the fuck everybody fucking knows he gets people with this charm is monkey charm To fucking get you is chimp in human clothes. Yes Put a chimp in a sailor A chimp with a bow tie and yeah, he puts on a sports jacket and a Yankees hat. It throws his shit right in your face. And then he fucking, he starts tweeting.

He starts getting the fans like tweeting against us. Like you should look like without Lewis, the show is gonna fucking fall apart. Actually, no, the show will be, you can discern who's talking. And most of the time, it won't be as racist as it was okay won't be as gay okay not that gay is bad but it's gonna be less racist is bad Joe I love

Lewis so I am and then he gets all these people he says it like this though he tweets it like this Robert Kelly won't move the show back two hours I really want to do the YKW, but Robert Kelly won't move the show back two hours so I can go on it So now people look it's we he's basically saying I'm an asshole Yeah, and I'm doing it intentionally. I'm not I have a family you fuck five o'clock works for me You idiot. That's it. What about my wife and kid that I gotta get the fuck home to? You know, like, I'm really stepping out of the way to fuck you, Lewis, that's what I'm doing.

Really, to promote you, bring you on my shows, fucking, get you on my podcast, tell everybody how fucking great you are, put your stupid, fucking hammer fisting on the Riotcast Network. Everything. Give you a fucking studio. And how does he thank you? By fucking getting the fans against him.

Ripping your nose off. He's got a larger percentage of fans that were thrilled with you. Look, look, look, absolutely, you're right. People, this is the thing, it's just- He doesn't really enjoy it. He's a heroic move. Well, I told him, I go, I go, you're off to fucking show. Three weeks, suspension. Which he loves. He probably bathes in that what do you mean because that's means he's a real ass dude

Yeah, I have a lunch stepper you know what Bobby. I didn't I shook the system and Bobby kicked me off the show He only has one way to get back on I told him is go, if you vined six acts of random kindness, that's the only way to get back on next week. Six acts of random kindness, I want it vined for everybody to see and it has to be from him, random, he has to, whatever it is, helping all lady cross the street, given a, she's just gonna be thinks she's getting mugged He's got a great bit about that. Oh Lewis. He does a good bit. He's got a decent

What is it? I'm buying the guys coffee, right? Yeah, he tries to buy a guy's coffee. I don't remember it But it's it's trying to pay it forward do a kind thing and then the guys like no No, and he's like I'm buying you a fucking coffee. He ends up getting a fight with him. Yeah, I know the bit goes find out in three weeks It's I think I remember it being good Bobby. Are you on a fucking down slide? You're drinking a coke you're opening pills What the fuck I got a this is I'll tell you what's happening. I'm a little fucking wired myself. You know, I've had, I always have hotburn. He was like, lester bangs over there. Ha ha ha ha!

Jesus Christ. Andrews laugh. Andrews laugh. Andrews laugh is fucking literally, I know I'm gonna get to play. It's literally hurting my ears. It's a throughout the world. Oh my god, you get the loudest.

First of all, I was like, Soda's gonna bail me out on this one. I'll get at least a noise from soda and it'll get me out of this Oh, so people can't wait to not laugh zero But who's Lester Banks? I didn't know who I have no idea who lester Banks is a famous rock journalist He was like a proper maniac rock journalist he was like a proper maniac and a but great by the great philips see more Hoffman and almost famous okay oh lester boom and I have to tell you my philips see more Hoffman story

hopefully you're real classic you sucked his cock by accident I'm gonna tell it on the podcast this is gay what is it heroin what what is it I don't like to do a shelts no phone during the podcast I'm looking up lester bangs okay and you look nothing. Yeah. Awesome. You guys look like me. Poppin' pills and frickin' fucking cups over there.

Okay. Well, I listen. The reason why I'm doing this, I'm gonna explain. I've had heartburn for years. I've always had heartburn. I've been taking thumbs and whatever. I don't know where my heartburn went away. And it's not because I've, we know fucking fat jokes are coming.

It's not that I didn't, I stopped. I haven't eaten shitty. I've, for the last two weeks, I've been eating good, a week and a half, but not fucking great. Not like, you know what I mean? I have positive, you just shit, I haven't unhoppered. I don't know what the fuck, I don't know what the fuck happened. Like is it, I'm freaking out, like it's leaking inside of me. Like there's a hole in my stomach. You know what the fuck I don't know what the fuck happened like is it I'm freaking out like it's leaking inside of me like there's a hole in my stomach

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I have terrible acid reflux. I mine just went away, dude And I don't know why and now my eye I My dog 10 years ago Maybe longer ran into me with his beak with his beak snout nose What's dog ran into me with his beak with his beak snow nose nose whatever which dog this is funny You guys all went beaks no nose nose

His nose whatever I call it a beak one of the small dog hit me in the eye Hit me in the high and there was an afghan between and he tore my cornea and it fucking killed. Now for years after that certain times my eye would drought and I'd open it and rip it. Now it's been happening every time I sleep on this side of my head on the left side. That's what you're left. That's your left part. Because you guys saw my eyes. No, I saw you also do. That's what you're laughing at. Because you guys saw my eyes.

No, I saw you also do, I also see you do that. I saw you do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing.

You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing.

You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the hand thing. You do the ripped my eye open when I wake up. And you know my baby, and the baby gets up and I'm like, oh, you get up and my eye fucking ripped. So literally I tear my cornea every morning. I've been to the fucking doctors.

They have to do some type of eye surgery. I already had eye surgery and the other eye about some bullshit. Now this eye, I fucking, I got headaches, I'm all fucked up every fucking day. I'm like falling apart. The last thing you need is headaches. That's a back to the future reference.

See what I mean? You can't trust any of your senses, it's authentic. He's not an authentic guy. Well sometimes he just says stuff and I'm like, I don't know, and it'll look at me like I'm supposed to pick it up. I thought you had a miracle. Oh, la, that reference that I didn't buster what did you call them?

Lester bang Lester bangs buster Douglas. I thought Miracle drug with the way he set that up. He's like I have something for you Last thing you need is headaches. I'm Joe list What is you that need to take over? Burn feel like it hurts I see the commercials and I can get up on the mic papa right there is that better that's better when you laugh Just don't laugh out of the mic. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, it's a weird. I understand I know I left loud

I know I left very loud and I'm gonna get I'm gonna get emails about a fucking clock suck that laugh I had to shut it off Bobby emails about the fucking clock suck that laugh I had a shut it off Bobby Yeah, I'm gonna eat it. Bobby my fucking Discremental do I tell you what I when I used to do my show on On serious Back in the day before this so who was it Kurt Mezker was Holland He was laughing into the microphone so many complaints. I used to do it too. I when I laugh on Owen A. Now I go away from the fucking mic

Everything is over there like coffin because people can't hear people talking because People get annoyed that's all that's all. I'm just trying to help you I don't appreciate it. Not that you're gonna get any hate mail because you're gorgeous tall Look at him. Look at this fucking mother fucking heartburn. He's wearing a great Gatsby shirt fucking mother fucking heartburn he's wearing he's wearing a great gatsby shirt Who the fucking pull that outfit off? Not yeah, that's great. Gatsby on a weekend. I get made fun of but you throw it up skewer references, too How is that a great? Huge movie. It's a fucking joke you fucking Nimrods. Why you getting fucking mad ya fucking Numbers because his buster Keaton reference

Great guy The same guy no I Was that racist they're very similar Because they have dreads in their black color. Yeah, 1997. They wrapped in their 90s. Yeah, come on, they're pretty similar. That's very black.

And obviously. Why would they be the same guy? You think it was like WWE thing where they tried pitchin' him as a new character? Yeah, that's right. This isn't working with the whole coolie old things that work in busta, which it up sick.

They think that. Yeah. What do you do with rhymes? Bustum Bustum so here we go. All right. Let's not make this into man code I get that fucking cheesy We got two of the fucking man coders right here gentlemen, yeah

That is great it's fucking like you call you man Great. Um, that is great. It's fucking okay. You call it manco. Is it manco? I don't know, but it makes me laugh. Manco. Nobody can get it.

It's so easy, but everybody gets it wrong, which makes us think that they're making fun of us. No, we are making fun of us. No, we absolutely are. Okay, we're right about it. All right, good. No, you're absolutely right. You're being made fun of.

But here's the thing. We all got made fun of too with that VH1 talking head shit. Mm-hmm. This one I knew that shit was, when I, this one I knew that was garbage, but it was just a, oh boy. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. Let's look forward to it. Listen. Listen. Here's the deal. When I saw, when I was on,

and I just said, you know what, I'm not gonna do this anymore for free because I'm giving them all this writing and all this comedy for nothing. I'm literally getting paid nothing. They just think the exposure is good enough but I don't, and then I was like, fuck it. And they said, okay, no more.

And then I saw the guy doing my makeup. You know, it's great. The guy who did my makeup was on the show, killing it. I'm like, did anybody could fucking do this? Bobby, real quick. As a friend, you told that story on the show killing it. I'm like, anybody can fucking do this. Bobby, real quick, as a friend, you told that story on the Yannis podcast, and now it's becoming like you're a boxer who owns a steakhouse,

and you keep talking about the same ear. Like I'm from Raging Bull. It's Jake Lomato. I would point to that new reference boy, I thought you'd fucking jump in. I got a Jake Lomato. I'm not gonna do anything with him Lomato. He's upset. My eye is fucking hurting.

Alright, champ. My hop in the office. Alright, Chris, can you take over the floor? Thank you. Thank you. I have a repetitive fucking asshole. I get very repetitive too when I get an argument. Somebody I just repeat the same thing over on it.

My wife goes, I get it. Like I know what I've said at 19 times. That's a good way to win an argument with somebody I just repeat the same thing over on my wife goes I get it Like I know what I've said it 19 times. That's a good way to win an argument though. Oh, no, it's not it's fucking I make my point and I just keep going A fucking asshole. All right, so I told the story before but I think I I think you guys where you guys get paid now Which is awesome as long as they're paying you fucking son of a bitch's fucking great. Good for you as long as you make a money because you're actually giving away jokes. You're writing these fucking jokes, right? You guys get it, yeah, fuck that.

But it's not like jokes in terms of like, no, they're not. You can't translate. No, stop right there, we're done. No. But you know, you can't take it on stage. And that's what I think is good is like, thank God.

But it's better be good. Women are crazy. But no, it no it's better because then when they see us live they're like whoa this even funnier than what we saw you some of you some of you okay fair enough fair enough fair but when they come to the seller when they come to the seller like whoa this is I had a group of girls come see me at bananas and has brokites and they're like this isn't what I wanted to see I used to have any move a cook man when I used to tour a cook is, you know, they'd come in and I'd come on and be like, yeah I'm a fucking fat fuck. You know, fucking all the stupid shit about life and they'd be like, huh?

Just immediately be on their iPhones or blackberries. Like this is not. I don't want one, Pat. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Why one pump that's not a dump a dump a dump a boom pop up boom cap a doom pat what was it boom pat boom pat But what was that joke used to do remember that it's closing bit about Mario brothers who did Dan? Oh Why the fuck you? Like that closing bit you used to do I thought you said I never did a musical closing. I never did a musical closing bit

Yeah, I was like I don't know what you and then I know the I don't know what you're then I know the I don't know Fuck you Dan. I didn't know you were talking. What fuck you maybe I'm just off I don't know his obscure references today. I don't know the musical The second time you fucking throw me under the bus on my own You said hey old man you told the story before and say old man I said you're like a little buster. These people listening don't know they do They do they would have known they would have been people are like it would have been like this We heard it before but you got to bring it up on the fucking show. I thought from a two new people

I thought Joe was gonna make it funny with me when we were explaining that you are I didn't remember the story You did you look at me like you remember that's how it's going in the same store I was mad at you for fucking me in the lester bank Stop with your high-pitch Henry shit. Oh I didn't get to tell my Hoffman story tell you a Classic let's get told it on this though. That's how I have here I don't know but now I don't know

So you can now because every that's it's out in the fucking bag now But now I don't know so you can now because every that's it's out in the fucking bag now You tell everybody how the tricks are done So now we have to bring it up We didn't pull them down in teller go ahead officer soda over yeah, yeah, yeah, let us know get him a hat Hey, that was a good fellow drippens not hat It's an office a hat there you go just wear it when you want to fucking tell us what we've said in what we can't say on the show uh... i met philips him or often in the east village went to that i think i told the story on the show that i don't know but damal tell you

i met him i usually fillage and i was drunk this is in 2003, 10 years ago, and I was hammered. I walked up to Hoffing, he was with a really sexy African American gal, and like a date, and I walked up to him with what I just stood in between them, like just like staggering, and then they still looked over and were like, hello, and I was like, and this is my opening line was, the only true currency in this bank-wrapped world is what you share with someone when you're uncool. And then he said, What? And I meant, it's from almost famous,

which is a line of his, and then he was like, oh yeah man, and then I went, this is what I went with, I'm friends with Patrice O'Neil. At the time, I had never met Patrice O'Neil. And near the head,

and filled you up with what, and he went, I never met Patrisso Neil. And he and Phil too have what he went. I don't know who that is. And I went he was in almost he was in 25th hour with you and the guys like and I feel so happy. Okay. And I was like all right man and I slowly back to play. So he did that is the whole story. Yeah yeah he did not get my almost famous. So 10 years later. And it's still still I'm still trying to work the almost thing. You tried referencing Lester Banks. And then Lester Banks.

My out was gonna be Patrice O'Neal, who plays the door man and films people having walks by like he was gonna be like, Oh, right. Of course. Patrice, you want to win? Who are you? Yeah, it was the other time I had never been in the same room as Patrice. But still. So this is actually the 10 year anniversary of? Yeah? Yeah, it was the time I'd never been in the same room as the trees. So this is actually the 10 year anniversary of... Yeah, yeah, it was September 10th.

So it's good that that... 2003. So this... Ah, fuck it. It was depressing. I apologize if I've already told you. You know, it's weird that famous people are so... I don't know if they're so busy or they're just a different type of human being where they

don't know about movies or songs or things. Like, you know, in that of they're faking it. Do you think, I think sometimes they're probably faking it? I don't know, but like, Philip, Philip, see more often, you think like, I just, when you fantasize how these people are in your head, I fantasized like he has some cool apartment in New York and he goes home and he reads plays chess by himself both sides of the board. He smokes but he can quit when he wants to. You know what I mean? Oh, only drinks tea. A certain type of tea. What did you say? He was just in rehab for heroin. No, yeah. That was my last thing. He does heroin on weekend.

for heroin no yeah no that was my last thing like he does heroin a week yeah yeah Friday through Sunday but he goes to rehab because he you know he likes to go there and like learn about himself study he's studying for a Nick film I'm sure that he was doing it for a new film no no he was he just got minutes for heroin shows please don't fucking ever look at him again and say seriously yeah I'm not I'm gonna great ask though man anything you say is forgivable that fat piece I asked you got right there what about his fucking it looks like Ellen DeGeneres just lost control and just ate what she wanted to for like a month he's a fat Ellen he's a lesbian Chris looks like a

lesbian oh man I wonder if lesbians would be attracted. Oh my God. I got friends with a lot of lesbians, they don't want it. Yeah they do. If you just hug you, they don't want it. If you talk to your shit back and didn't shave it for a fucking six months. Give a man, Jaina.

Yeah, nice man, Jaina with a bush. You got a bush down there. You don't trim, do you? Right now I do because I just am lazy. You don't trim. No, I usually do it. But you have you got a bush down there you don't trim do you right now? I do because I just am lazy right you don't trim not usually do it But you have a big fat bush down there you you shield you trim it up. I actually don't what I don't trip But it's I'm incredibly hairy like I have the hairy sassy. I've ever seen it. You have see oh shit No, you saw it waxed. Oh, you know I have to wax it for the role. I've done that that hurts. Oh, dude Yo, I have to wax it for the role. I've done that that hurts. Oh, dude. You get the inside I got the hole the hole didn't hurt as bad as is I think it would hurt what?

Apparently you asked hole is tight because mine was loose when she pulled it was like bubble gum Like the movie flubber There's fucking Sarah. It was a lot of Joe. I don't know flubber Oh Lanzo I don't know flubber But yeah, dude, it's so I mean great if he had Please make some love yeah get out of here Mrs. Crinkle I never saw right that down No, I'm kidding

I'm trying to meet I was like I don't know that's really a bit so Yeah, because in the in the well, let me just get to this people don't know that in Bronx warrants What he was one of the criminals that we were chasing Under the warrant division and he we showed up. He's naked with his big junk and We had to chase him down the street naked in Brooklyn while the Bronx were where the fuck it was. So they put a nude suit on him with his fucking. No, there was no nude suit. Huh? They covered your junk. They covered my junk. Yeah, that's a little satchel. That's a little satchel. Yeah, a little satchel.

Wasn't that small? Wasn't that little? I'd give you credit. Okay. It wasn't that little. He had a nice face. Okay. That was what I had When you said that's he's so he goes is that really yours? Yeah nice peace. I had to do a nude scene She let's put it this way. There's no way she had to get on top of me and I had like one of those little Satchels on there's no way she could get offended There's no way she could get offended. It literally went in my body. Really? It went in me to a point where I was like, this girl must think of my unit. Like I'm from the guy from fucking Game of Thrones. Come on, let me a shot. Jump all over it. I don't know. You're good. I'm kidding. Don't push the microwave.

That's a little shagoma's thing Who can you what's your name Chris? Chris yes, there's any time you want to speak into that microphone Speaking over it well All right, I gotta do where's the ad I gotta do a whole little plus ad real quick. But yeah, dude, you're, oh my god, one of this girls on top of me. What? I don't wanna read it off a phone.

I wanna read it off the fucking piece of paper. Oh, no, it's off. I wrote email it to me. Yeah, and then you print it out and I read it. What are you, a fucking ape? You know that. Well, I read it off the phone last week. Yeah, because you didn't print it out last week.

Therefore last week, hopefully you'd print it out this week. Where's your envelope? You think that he said you didn't have that. I have the other ones. Where's the fucking envelope? You have a vanilla envelope. I know but I don't have the... DOS-2 plus in there. What the fuck am I supposed to do brother? Do you want me to read it?

Oh no I don't want you to read it. I'm supposed to read it. It's my show. But now I gotta fucking find it. Where is it? Wow, I emailed it to you. After these messages, this will be right back. ADC Saturday morning.

Yeah. Is that what that is? It's a fun day. Molly. Molly. Um, Bartow. Where are you? Did you email it to me? What's your name again Chris Chris scope You cock sucker you got to get these on paper. Okay Chris You got to get these on paper Okay, Bobby. I don't like the fucking tone. I'm not giving you a tone

All right, I can't read I got one. I do it. I can't like the fucking tone. I'm not giving you a tone. All right, I can't read, I got one eye dude, I can't read this. All right, here we go guys. We got a bunch of sponsors for the show. And this is, first of all, your energy, Dan. I might just have Lewis back just to fucking pump up the energy. I got, I got, I got, I got, come on guys, what's going to happen, Dan? Bobby's back to read announcements. I'm trying with energy. What got it. I'm proud. God come on guys, what's going to hand in Bobby's back to read announcements.

I'm trying with energy. What happened to you today? I had a good session with Alan. So that's I don't want you getting too healthy. Okay. Because you come in here and you're all fucking Joe. I don't know.

What? Joe's Joe. You're you. I'm me. I think I'm doing all right. A couple of mom. You're doing great. I don't expect you to you, I'm me. I think I'm doing all right. I'm a couple of bonkers. You're doing great. I don't expect you to roll any with energy. He hasn't done one voice yet.

I think he's got a better energy. I think his energy's good. He's just fucking up a little bit. It's a tough thing. Hey, I'm going. No one's going to afford him. Give it up. Sheldt shows up and everyone has an inferiority complex.

His hair looks like it's a fucking glued on. It looks like he owns a golf course. He looks like he's insulting and he's on set getting makeup this flamingo kid really does fucking make me feel like she can he looks like he's gonna sell me on a condo and fucking a beachers world I will leave he's gonna go fucking play gin out in front of the cellar

and fuck anybody he wants just have fucking iced tea fucking soda pop alright here we go we're gonna have a great new advertiser. Hulu Plus, Bubba's Hulu Plus. Look, I'm sure you've tried Hulu.com, but I want to tell you about this Hulu Plus.

We got these guys as a sponsor. I use them, I use them on my Apple TV. I use them on my iPad. You can use them on your iPhone. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime. Anywhere, stream it on your TV. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. Streaming on your TV or on the go and your smartphone or your tablet. Why stand in line, or ride the train and just stare at your feet.

Look at an ass on the train. You could be watching your favorite shows on Hulu Plus. When you're in a car driving to a gig or you're on a plane, you're on a train, right? You're just doing a Dr. Seuss? No, I'm saying it. If you're on a plane, if you're on a train, maybe you work at Crane. No need to be in Spain. All right. I think we killed it. I think Spain was the last one.

Unless you have another one. I can't rhyme it. I wish you don't be rhyming. Listening to Little Wayne. Oh, urban. Urban reference. By what's your name? It's Chris Lambert. Chris Lambert. verb reference. Hi, what's your name? It's Chris Lambert. Chris Lambert.

Urban reference. Chris, all right, so Hulu Plus is a great way to binge watch your favorite shows, which I didn't know there was, I do this, but I didn't know it was a name for it, where you watch like a whole season in a couple days. That's gonna be an addiction in 10 years. It's a telly.

What are you addicted to Netflix? It's a commercial you're saying for it. Like do you need to get off Netflix? Yeah, can we not do that while I read my sponsor that's paying me? I'll just keep over here with my bad energy, I guess. Well, what the fuck you're telling me? I'm out of the shell, I'll come out of it after I promote

my you saying it's gonna be an addiction. Whole lot's already. Whole lot's doing it, you know what? Is a good binge watching is a good thing. I think it's a funny thing to pick up. No, it's not because it could be an addiction. It's not an addiction. It would be in a couple of years.

I love your addiction. I think the best voice is the better. Thank you much. Yeah, too much. Joe's right. So check it out. You can watch tons of episodes from great comedies, like I said, now, Community Modern Family,

which is one of my favorite shows, South Park Family Guy, and thousands of other shows. Right now, Hulu Plus is only $7.99 a month. That's $7.99 a month. That's good. For all the shows and movies you can watch. That's actually cheaper than Netflix, by the way. Catch up on current shows, I believe, right?

I think it's great if you just get sniped by someone that worked for Netflix. It's too wide. No, it's okay. I think that's it. I think that's it. Netflix is a lot of. Oh my God. I just like Hulu Plus commercials.

A Hulu Plus. I remember when the Hulu dot com when they would come out with the aliens. Everybody who's a fucking alien. All the actors were aliens. There's turn your brain into jelly that they absolutely. Absolutely. The Will Aren't it. Yeah.

Hulu Plus dot com right now. 799 for all the shows you can watch. Catch up on current shows. Bench., binge, which is a good thing now. Binge watching old favorites and catch great movies. You can do it all with Hulu Plus. Right now you can go to Hulu Plus for a couple of weeks free. On me, you pal Robert Kelly, a bob, a bob bob a bobby a bobby with an i.e. Bobby When you go to hulu plus dot com forward slash dude, we'll just go to host Why are you guys staring at me because you just blanked out? I didn't blank out you guys are fucking Well literally doing this whole fun thing and it's great

And then I I stop for a second you guys are staring at me You're freaking me out are we are we literally doing that literally? Oh you fucked up on your stupid thing when you said your thing listen lesser miles remember when he said that Whatever your name is All right, so I enter the forward slash dude or just go to Robert enter the site where you all right go to the you know Ryan cast com site I'm messing this up if I add on a piece of fucking paper Chris I'm reading on a fucking iPhone with one eye I got a scratch cornea because of my fucking god damn

Silky terrier and this fucking new intern with a bubble bot is fucking me on my read listen go to ridecatch.com and click the hulu On on our site. There's a little There's a hulu plus It only happens when he stops reading. When he goes in- That's when it goes in. Please make sure you use Hulu plus.com. Flood slash, forward slash, dude. So when you can get extra free trial. Okay, I'm hooking you guys up with this.

It's a really cool thing. I have it. You get a free trial with the Hulu plus.com forward slash, dude. You get it, So help us help us keep the lights on. Now you guys you guys support these guys please please make sure you support the sponsor. These guys are great. They're giving us what's up? What's this? I know I'm fucking gonna kill Chris. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I feel like the internship position on this podcast is gonna become like Murphy Brown Secretary. How's that for a reference?

That was pretty good. Here's a deal. This is the deal. This is what happens with people. This is what happens with people. You get too fucking comfortable. That's it. He ends me a tweaked audio, right?

You do that for memory. Huh? You do that for memory. Oh, okay. So tweakedaudio.com, if you guys want some headphones, make sure you go to tweakedaudio.com. What's the code word we use? Dude. Are you sure? Positive. Okay. So use the code word dude and you get 33% off all your headphone needs. I actually just want two weeks going ordered five pairs of headphones. They're not cheap, they're inexpensive. They're great headphones. Mike to non-Mike, a bunch of different varieties to choose from. And right now you get 33% off if you use the code word, dude, when you check out and you get free shipping. So make sure you get all your

headphones, it's a tweakedaudio.com, use the code word dude, you're helping you, you're helping them, and you're helping, do you know what dude podcasts? Thanks. So listen, here's a deal. Yeah, my eye is fucked. I don't know what it is, it's all blurry. It's all blurry when I read shit.

I can't read what the fuck's on the screen right now. Go to an optometrist. I have been. You have been? been yeah I've been to the best you will we have to go I like it I'm not gonna help you but yeah I like it you know you fucked up in a word too you know that Joe yeah lester back um shit never forget never forget hey tomorrow is 9-11.

Oh, yeah. You got my 27 years of sobriety, too, that I talk about that on the show before. No. No, when is that? That was last week. Congratulations, man. It should have come here. Something.

What? I thought it was actually more. I kind of got bummed out. I was like, I thought it was like 30. Yeah. It was, it's 27. Still I was like, I thought it was like 30. Yeah. It was it's 27. Still good. I think I've been telling people 30. It's weird to think that you got sober when I was three. Really? Yeah. Wow. You got sober before I was born. I mean, I didn't mean I can feel like shit, Chris. I was just trying to, you know, kind of, I mean, Chris really just. That's on the gas.

You know, you compliment his butt and he just starts putting people down. That actually, does that make me feel bad? I don't, I think it does, yeah, it does. I don't think I feel good right now. Well, congratulations on the scene. Yeah, man, you're so good. You're a bad man. 27 years, but here's where I'm at, guys.

And Joe, there's nothing left. I went and got us a massage today. No, a good, a regular massage. Man or woman. Woman. What do you think I'm a fucking Stamink? No, I hear, I hear that a lot of times people who get massage is a lot. They prefer a man be as the hands are stronger yeah those people who call the Lincoln's facts now

fruities no i actually i think is sweating trying not to say the effort what fact i don't like to say fact i know i don't like to say it anymore so i know i know i know i know what i live in it. My building is pretty much gay. Full of eggs. My name is gay. I don't like the word Faggot. And even when I say Faggot to like you Joe when I mean it. Not a sucking dick. Why it's why we made you know the other

Faggot would you work. Yeah you're I don't want to say to you either. I'd rather just call you a pussy yeah push whack push whack yeah that's a fourth grade I push whack is great I like we like cock smooch Michael Dale I like cock smooch real cock smooch how about this you fucking dick wad dick wad dick wad's good right what do you got cracker no I don't I don't do that you don't swear at people I'm not real and when I'm driving I don't really try to be too aggressive

What the fuck is driving get to do with anything when you're driving and somebody cuts you off? Yeah You get you get a little racist you get racist you get Massage and this you you do a lot like what you do or I do you do yeah, all right What do you mean racist what would you? Have a black guy cut you off. You mean you you you you uneducated. Why is he? I was like where did you where did you like did you help did your father help you teach you how to drive.

Oh, that's right. You probably don't know. Oh, that's what I would do. That's I think that goes beyond. Are you do you have a college degree? I haven't a master's degree. You have a master's degree and acting. So don't know my father. So that's, I think that goes beyond my name. Are you, do you have a college degree? I haven't, a master's degree. You have a master's degree.

And acting, so it doesn't really count though. In acting? Yeah. What the fuck do you wear from where? The theater conservatory at Roosevelt University. Roosevelt, Roosevelt. In Chicago. I thought you were going to say Roosevelt Island.

Island, you know. Where the crazy is what? That's the Chicago. I'm going to take a sky ram over to my house a tram imagine having a fucking take a tram to your oh you trying to get pussy you get a fucking way for a tram to come or you could take the F train which is like seven flights under the ground when you go to Roosevelt Island what it's fucking terrible is it I had a friend that lived on Roosevelt Island you take the F there it's you take four escalators up. It's the worst ever fucking what the who lives on Rose of Velt fucking island

Hmm, I want to fucking meet somebody why are you getting so angry? I don't know man. I think what I don't know what Rose of all island is I don't know, but why do you talk like that? For me for comp control But why do you talk like that? No, but why? I'm in your show for me for comp controller Dude, roll to the toilet That's what I love This year a lot of different people are saying stuff But do you know your own Roosevelt Islands?

I call my hair like my father and his father before him call me I have perfect 70s broadcast to hair You guys should have an hair off, you and Chris have to have a hair off That's what someone said to me. They said, you have the haircut that everyone's father has and that picture when they're young. Yeah. Great hair.

Both of them have great hair. And then Joe feels in the, you know, Joe's got great hair, but. Joe's got good hair, but it's not that. I don't groom it though. Joe's, because it's on his head, it looks like a two-pay. Yeah. It does have that.

It does have a great piece hair. Joe has the same hair my baby has. Baby has beautiful hair. Yeah. Yeah, but it is good hair though. Yeah, right. I get a lot of comments. I don't think I put up as much time. I do look like you put time in it though. No, I just don't wash it and I do all fingers. So, I'll back. I'll natural Johnny Depp here. Not all of us in that lucky. So you went, you're an educated man, and here's the thing, this is what bugs me about.

Educated black people? No, not black people. I was just educated. Not educated people, always, you know, you hear about bullies, like physical bullies, which, you know, that's terrible, but I think intelligent bullies are assholes too. They make people feel less than.

Do you know what I mean? Where it's like, you're a fucking idiot, or you don't know this, or that. I don't like that shit either. I think it's just as bad somebody who's highly intelligent, or supposedly more in town. Look at me, and this shit, like I used to have that joke of my act I don't I don't mind a spell, but I know how to fucking I know how to get meat You know what the end of the world comes you can suck a dick on a book I'm gonna use a for fire and you're gonna need me to get fucking protein cock sucker

Well, maybe you know what I mean? Yeah, maybe I appreciate literature more than you do So I wouldn't burn the book I'd read read it. You'd read the book and the apocalypse. It's to our children. So you're gonna be that guy? Education. We're gonna have to get a ring with a book. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, education's key.

Shh. Never ring with a book. You're gonna be able to like away from the fire. I'll be reading. Fire yourself. Growing my mind. Just fall asleep. Yeah, me and Andrew are gonna be fucking banging chicks.

Yeah, me and Andrew are gonna be fucking banging chicks. Hey, babe, come by the fire. With no shirt on cuz we're fucking warm because we just burnt the Bible or I'll just read the map We're civilization went to civilization went to so you can just be out in the woods with your primitive No protection having sex eating uncooked meat. Well cooking it. We have a fire. Yeah Wow, I have the book. I'll be reading some rock and roll reviews by Lester Yeah, wow, I have the book. I'll be reading some rock and roll reviews by Lester I was waiting for Joe to bail me out of playing straight band So you are

Because you could be a physical bully too because you're a big boy, but I was never I was never Come on down to Tuscaloosa. We may have you playing for the Crimson Ties. You're gonna get that education. You're a big boy. But you got the mind of a boy. Buy your mama a Cadillac. Yeah, your mama don't like that house by the Mississippi River now, doesn't you?

You get cool and play for Bay of Bryant. You're gonna have a different house. You get good grade. And when we shoot, we can do a bug and you a call. You're gonna have a different house. You'll get good grades, and when she, we can do a bug and you will call. You win as a couple SEC championships. Your mom ain't gonna be into no Mississippi mud coming up here with food.

It's a goddamn keto fight out. It all turns into that. Oh my god, dude. Football. Thank you. You grab me a lot of that's funny. So you're a big boy. Yeah.

Big boy. And what the fuck was Didn't switch waters out can you give me a water shop? What was that dude what the fuck happened? I didn't like it so Here's think so you're a big guy, but you're also intelligent guys, but you go you go for somebody's how smart they are first No, no, it's whether you're a good person. I mean, I don't I don't flaunt my education. It's just it's just something I felt like I need it would be great Nothing to flaunt. I mean, I mean, it's a theater degree. It's not, you know, it's...

Well, theater degree's not, I'm the fucking, you know, wave a stick at. I throw a stone into. Because when I was a... I'll break some glass on. Because when I was a kid. Oh, fuck it, no. Throw a stone into. Take a dip.

Snap some water onto. Put the oven. Yeah, you know what a sticky gum on that. Put some peanut butter on it and let the dog blow you. I was doing it to a different thing. So that's, I mean, seriously, a theater degree. I mean, it's a master's degree and something. That's pretty crazy.

It's a lot of debt. Okay, now let me have you done any acting. Yeah, I did a lot in Chicago. I did a couple like, come over here. Yeah, I'll ask you again. Have you done in the acting yes sir theater? Where? Chicago Shakespeare theater. So what are you gonna do here? I'm doing comedy. I'm doing stand-up How the fuck do you go from from a trained actor and Theater and you know, I've done theater in Boston and it's hard. What is theater in Boston? Fucking to be or not to be. Romeo! Fucking answer to that is go fuck yourself. I'll be in, you don't fucking know me.

I like those fucking hells. Julia your family's a fucking queer come over to my side What's wrong with a Montague? What's wrong with being a Montague? It's actually oh Montague We're fucking Irish don't forget about that and the bees It's a fucking hop I can't. That's the hop. That's the Boston acting. I was classically trained in the hopper school of acting.

We went to the park. There's a great show on showtime called Raid Down the Rope. I want to watch it. Oh, dude, that is a great show. I watched that show. It is a fucking great show. But what sucks for me is because I come from Boston. It is a fucking great show, but what sucks for me is

because I come from Boston, so the wife. On the wife, first of all, the wife bugs me. She fucking bugs me at two levels. I'm not gonna give it away. Relax, no spoiler here. Bugs me at two levels. Either you're fucking my soldier, you know I'm a criminal, you know I'm a hustler, and you're my soldier,

and you got my back no matter the fuck What yeah What else daddy Well you fuck you you're out you're done, you're fucking done. I hope they kill her all. Hang on, guys, hang on, guys. Is she the new Skylar or something? I don't know.

She reminds me of fucking soprano's wife. It's like, you know what the fuck you got into? You know how he makes his fucking money and then you judge him for how he fucking brings you those shoes and that fucking house with the pool. And then you gotta fucking fuck you. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.

It's like, are you a fuck killer? Huh? No. It's like a fucking sopranos. But no, it's not. It's, it don't. It's a sum of the like that. I thought it takes place in LA.

It's in LA. But the people. It's about these guys from Boston. But it's very interesting. They're not mob. He's a fixer, right? They're not in the, yeah, it's like this weird thing. He's an LA, he's an Instagram wolf.

He's a guy who takes care of celebrities when they fuck up. Well, not just celebrities, he takes care of everybody. Anybody who needs something, taking care of a protection or shit fixed, he's like a fixer. But it's a great show, but the wife fucking annoys me. But that's a real thing. But her an accent is a little too much to she rai you get over here It's a little like you know who's on it. You know who's on it that they fucking James would James woods on it is fucking Boston accent is on the money Fucking great great cast

I was just reading an article rolling stone about it I'm excited Yeah, the edit James Woods like halfway through the season You know who actually has written articles in Rolling Stone? Who? Lester Banks Yeah I see how we did that God, it's all coming back

What are you a fucking smite ass? Yeah You smite it in the fucking average clock sucker on this show. Hey, great show. But anyways, so here you are, you're a fucking actor. Now, you're here, how long you been in New York? Oh, New Jersey. Six years.

Six years. Have you done any acting since you've been here? I did some community theater. So you haven't done any acting. Community, listen to me. From my friends, like web series as well. Yeah, that doesn't count. Listen to me.

No. Okay. Now, community theater theater what the fuck is that what community Bergen County yeah dude no nobody fucking eight people and a eight people in the church basically good and a raisin in the sun I will look I think all that shit helps to be honest with you do any ice to theater theater in Boston at the I did in college I took it I did a bunch of plays and then when I got off I did off Broadway in Boston the four dogs in a bone yeah fucking crazy difficult unbelievable theater is

fucking nuts well I think I think it's easier than stand up because I've got what yeah it is because you have your character. To you. Oh, you think so? Well, to yeah, I think it's, here's why it's here, because you have to be funny in somebody else's voice. Like you know what I'm saying? So I was doing four dogs and a boners, there's a comedy. Okay.

And that's what we say about you. You know what's waiting for Joe to do it. Here's the thing is that you have to be funny in somebody else's voice and tempo, and you have to be funny and somebody else's voice in tempo and you have to wait for the laugh. So if us four and a scene together, I have to say my line and you have to wait for the laugh. Do you understand?

And then it was really hard to pick up that tempo because as comics, we know timing. We know how to get the crowd. We're live and you wanna go and you wanna be yours, but want it you want it to be yours But you can't say that extra line or that extra thing that would get a pop you have to fucking say it What's written and fucking wait they'll fire you right like if you do a little change I got some dude. I got yelled at in between fucking scenes

I had the director grabbed me by the fucking lapel. Wait for the fucking laugh. And I went, yeah, but if it wasn't for me, you know what I mean? I've done both like the dramatic stuff and then the comedy, but I think it's just to play the reality. Like you know what's going to happen when you have a script, but when you're doing stand up, it's you. You can't hide behind a character. You can't you behind, I think that's great. Way easier. To me, to be able to go up and just be you, live or die for as a comic, it's such a freeing thing.

I don't give a fuck. If I bomb, I get to come and tell you idiots, I bomb, and you go, what happened? What happened? What happened? I went up and this fucking, stop the fuck, I bombed it? It's this freeing thing. If you kill, it's great.

But as far as going in front of a, you first of all, rehearsals are nuts. You gotta rehearse every day for months. And then you gotta do shows every six days a week, two a night, three sometimes on Sunday. And it was a fucking nightmare. The same thing over and over and over and over again and again the same lines Drive you as a comic instinctually. Yeah, you'd want to fucking say something different

Just want to make it better. Yeah, like you know how I can I can make this better But this is tired of it. That's what I know this something It's this something but it's keeping it when you're in rehearsal, you can fail, you fail on your, you fail in rehearsal. You can't in stand up, you fail in front of everybody. You fail. So it makes it good. So it makes it high. Like I love them both, but I think as far as like the repetition,

if Bobby, if you and I are doing a show, when, if you and I are in a scene, and we if you and I, if you are in a scene, and we're, to be in a scene right now. Okay. Go ahead. Hey. Hey, what's up? How are you?

I'm good. Come around here a lot. Sometimes, weather permits. Yeah, you ever eat in here? I like it. It's good food. How's the bagels? Bagels, all right. I'm not really into the bagels,

but the soup is good. I like the soup. What much you weigh? You ever thought about playing for the University of Alabama? You look like you weigh about a smoke stack. You got the light feet. Anyways, here's a thing though. My acting teacher said this to me years ago, the fastest horse never wins the race in this business. He had a horrific gambling problem. It's a true dog. I was in double marathon.

I'm gonna say this though, here's, you have a master's degree in acting. Andrew Schultz acted once, and he was in a fucking TV show pilot for FX and he killed it. So it's like why? You know what I mean? It's like, well, it's not, it's like, because I will wax my asshole. That's what it comes, that's not why you. Show you wax. Andrew Shope for Comptroller will wax his asshole if you want him to. If you take the seven train over to Roosevelt Island,

I will make sure there's only four escalators there's going up instead of seven. There will be an express escalator, the car patrolling position needs a man who's willing to wax his asshole. And I am that man. Andrew. New York has enough swamp ass as it is. It's very hard. I mean, and here, here's the thing, but I think on a resume, though, when you, when you, when someone, when real casting directors, just to get in the fucking room, when they

read Master's degree from fucking Roosevelt Island, wherever you got yours from Chicago, college or performance, that does get you in the room. And then Roosevelt, in Roosevelt Island wherever you got yours from Shrikin you know what I mean? Chicago College of Performing Arts. That does get you in the room and then Roosevelt Island. And then, hello, welcome to the Roosevelt Island. You want to learn how to act? Sure. Yeah, you should see me act on that fucking tram when it's called out and it's filled.

This isn't a fucking ski lift, sir. Tuck in. This isn't a fucking ski lift, sir. Tuck in. So, yeah, it definitely does something. I'm saying, I don't know how you go from mad to comedy. Well, comedy, I've always loved it. I always loved it, but I suppressed it. Right, you suppressed it.

Like, I was afraid of it. Yeah. I was afraid, I was afraid, and it just came to a point where maybe like five years ago where I was just like, I need to do it. I love you just made Andrew have to pee. I got a pee. No, no, no, you didn't make it. Yeah, I didn't make it.

Here's show more it is. I got a pee tape. I just care about the show. Show him how to make it. Yeah. You have to pee too. Just go there. Yeah, it's right inside there.

Show more it is. And so it's side to the left. ¿Te pido? Sí, está ahí en la parte de la insuición. Y entonces, la insuición le va a ser. Estarían a ese domicilio solo pidiendo el line. Uno. ¿Saparao? Tres por uno. Tres por uno. Ah, no, no, no. ¡Sominos! Pizzah. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan.

¡Fliparás! Vuelas desde Madrid a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Well, yeah, that's very boring. But, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What the fuck, what the fuck?

I just wanted to let you know that I could take this energy away. I just think you're being very insensitive today, Bobby. What are you talking about? No, the gay stuff. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Fuck you. Just fuck you. Maybe Joe, maybe Joe's a point. I didn't what the fuck? No, no, no, maybe I said, I don't want to use the the word anymore. I know, but it took everything you had not to say it. Yeah, what am I? I don't doubt, doctor. Yeah, we felt free. Fly am I up? I don't know. Doctor. Yeah, we felt really fly. I did not really

flipper fly. You said everything that starts with an F. I was really trouble for for Nugam. I think you have trouble with gay people. I love it. Dude, that don't take that back, Joe. That's bullshit. I don't think that I love you. You know what's so funny? I can get to be honest.

Well, I mean, don't take that back leave that on the table see what Dan does with it and then we'll talk I'll break the minute Jay. I'm probably half a faggola Yeah, but I said it because I'm gay now. Oh Yeah, I'm fine now as long as I'm gay. I just became gay. Let me ask you this. Yeah, I'm gay. Oh What's the oldest lady you would Have sex with who would I did I met a I met an older gal In Grand Rapids. I mean I haven't been a relationship in all that business, but Very sexy old lady maybe 60 years old she emailed me today

Very sexy. We were dancing. We go email like Nancy and AOL She goes like this. I don't know how do you use this right? I don't know if this worked Todd's my boy 1948 She was Maggie Very very beautiful Older lady gal. I think she might be a widow or divorce you some Maggie sounds like an old lady's name We were dancing and I gave her my car.

I was like, hey, hit me up. I haven't danced like this since Edward was alive. It's just that sad. I have this old car in the garage. Maybe you'll want it. Oh, I met the most charming young man. He gave me his car. He's a comedian.

We danced the night away. I couldn't hear what he said. His mouth was rather small. Shut up! This is a plumber's son and the basement or 41 year old plumber's son. these are comedian I am the night I couldn't hear what he said his mouth was rather small and the basement or forty one year old plumbers on the mister listed talk to me that way the best part is i brought my car is like her it was like this uh... barbecue it's like two hundred old people it was a karaoke party

that keeps singing karaoke and dancing and that was my friend Tommy and i went out of your audience i came over and i gave my car and I was with my friend Tommy and I went out and found your audience. I came over and I gave him my card and I was like ladies, there's a pleasure dancing with you, he has my card, my community for hire and her friend fucking cock blocks me, she goes, oh, are you the headliner? And I had to be like, no, I'm actually opening, she was like, I'm the opener. Right up Maggie's alley. So they asked me about the headliner. It was nice meeting you the other day. Oh what a pleasant. I was wondering I spent the winters in Florida. If you want to come down and my

knees are bad. Do a show for me and all my friends. The Artie Fat Buckle retreat retreat home Do you play canaster? Oh My friends would love to play canaster. You've got to try swim aerobics It's good for your joints. There's not a lot of pressure on it I love listening to you because it makes me nap and I don't sleep as much as I Joe ate fucking old booze I would I don't know that's what I'm asking. I want to get a vote. I I did I did

I will 60 68 wait, I mean if I'm gonna open up don't yell at me No, no, no, sorry that you're saying Blowing No, blowing numbers. Yeah, but I didn't fuck her. She just jerked me off and play with my asshole What? I Yeah, but I didn't fuck her. She just jerked me off and play with my asshole I pay I told you this before on another podcast Bobby You said that story to podcasts so go. Don't that's why I was bringing it up

She had arthritis arthritis. Just knuckled your head. Just a bunch of this. Just hit it. Carpool tunnel your ass. Let me just finish. Okay, there was a time in my life. Everybody knows that I'm a piece of shit. And there was a time in my life when when I would go on the road, my thing would be to you know, look up on the internet back in the day. We have Wiccons. And I would look, and I got no mature phase, where I like mature women, because I got a massage and this lady, the one lady was like around 48,

somewhere around there, big titties, kind of chubby, and she brought me in the house. It was 125 for a two hour massage, which is a great deal. She would put me in a robe, you have tea, and then you talk about your problems, then she gave me this great massage, and then she fucking, you know, looved me up

with those stuff and played with my asshole and jerked me off, and I got the suck I wanted to bring her fat titties. And then she showered me off, and we came back out, finished my tea, and she gave me a stone for my problems. It was a jade. She asked me, this is the, she has all these stones

that help with certain things, prosperity, or whatever, anger, envy, or whatever, and I got a stone. It was this awesome event of a massage for $125 with this older lady. So I kind of was like, you know, because I go to these young brods, and it's like, hi, and they get you in,

they try to, that's extra. That's extra. If you want me to be to, that's extra. That's extra. If you want me to be naked, that's, other than that, I can just give you a massage topless. And it's like a fucking nightmare. It's like, fuck you, they want 500 bucks by the time you're out of there, just to get a hand job from some hot bitch.

This chick gave me two and a half hours, I got the suckin' a fat teddy, and she play with my asshole and jerk me off with some type of cream, I wish I got the name of it. It was magical. I got a I wish I got the name of Magical I got a stone. I got a stone down my day Wait, but that's the 48 year old. That's the 48 so then I started looking for other ones and I found this I found this this website and it was a mature on this thing and her fucking face was fuzzed out. But that's okay, they do that a lot.

And that's how you know it's legit when they don't want you to know who it is. Yeah. Because that means they work independent. Okay. When you see that on these things, I worked, I should have wrote a book on how to fucking get plus off the internet. I wrote a book on a cheat, but I did write some topics on a couple chapters on how to get off the internet. I wrote a book on a cheat, but I did write some topics on a couple chapters on how to get off the internet. But the fuzzed out face means it's legit. One thing. Number two, she works on her own, because she doesn't want people to see. She has like

a legitimate job or legitimate life where she doesn't want people to know that it's her. So that's always a good sign, because you don't want to go with some chick who looks smoke and heart you show up. It's some fucking cut and there's a fucking Mexican behind the door and they're gonna rob you So I pulled up it was up the street, you know whiskey a go-go on sunset. I pulled up there up that street this beautiful contemporary Hanging on the cliff Mercedes in the parking lot I pull in and this old

60-year-old 68- 68 year old woman opens a door cotton candy hair you know that that gray cotton was ready to come she opens a door and she goes she knew I was really young and she's like are you sure you want to do this I hold for you I had to be early 20s. You know, one of the second times I was in LA, I think. You know, and I remember her, her nightie didn't fit. When was she said? Are you sure?

The fuck is she? The first thing was, are you sure you want to do this? Yeah. Are you here to help me with the radiator? So, so she had the nightie didn't fit. And I was like, no, I'm cool. I'm all right You know, I was like fuck it. We'll see what happens. We go when we took an elevator. She had an elevator in her house She must have been somebody in her husband died and I and this is how she's paying the taxes You know, I mean we're gonna take the house not if I can come up with a plan

Yeah, you know, I mean we're gonna take the house. Not if I can come up with a plan Jerk off a young Bob Adam Sandler comes in my Nana what you got to do is jerk him off Adam Sandler is jerk off Nana So we went up in the elevator. I remember she was holding my hand, but she had arthritis or hand in open fully And we went up to the second, third floor, somewhere like that. That woman me else. And I remember she had like a hundred cats. And they were just everywhere. And they were looking at me like,

you're a piece of shit. Like not one cat was not looking at me like, yeah, and she gave me a massage. And then at the end, she put on a glove to jerk me off. And she rolled me over. And I remember I went, can I ask you a question? She's like, yeah, I go, is the, it says prostate massage in there? Is that included in the 125? Or is that extra? She goes, did you want that? I go, if it's included, yeah, if not, I'm good.

She goes, she went on another glove and just snapped it on angrily and then started rubbing my ass all jerk me on It says here in the coupon I get my butthole played with Hate to do this can you put my butthole? She thought you're gonna ask a question about history roll over be like what was Rose about like? Was his administration ran pretty totally when Kennedy got shot? Well listen man, They met the island. Oh hey. Hey, yeah I've been with an older woman.

I guess you can count that right? How could you come? I came quick. I just remember her bed smelled like death. Oh geez. She smelled like moth balls and fucking like very florally. No old lady smelled florally. Yeah.

Is that a word florally? Let's ask the fucking master. They smell floral. I would say floral. Okay. I'll go floral. Why would you yell at me? You fucking stupid person.

No, I'm not. You don't have an education. That's why you drive like that. You're projecting. You're projecting a lot on the floor. Yeah, like I know I'm not. He's been sweet. Do you know Chris?

Yes. Very nice guy. I like Chris He's on my show. I like him a lot. No, it's not under the tree here Bobby. Well, I like I'm projecting I'm projecting to get him to say something It's being it's what you stop sticking up for Chris. He doesn't need you Maybe fuck up then maybe you say I'm not bringing the energy. Yeah, like the first half of the show all right So now I am also now it it trails off, doesn't it? Yeah, I started getting nervous when I looked over and saw Scopo with his serial killer stare.

I don't want him wearing white t-shirts anymore. It looks like he's nude. Yeah, yeah. It also looks like one of the first people they got into bodybuilding. Yeah. Yeah, I keep going the first guys to lift weights. Yeah, he's like Elaine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a little lane body. I want you to get a fucking like a onesie one of those I think I have onesie Will you please bring it in next week? I could find it up bringing it please bring it in we have him in Mike Vekky own Ressle on the podcast. Oh God those fucking two both have that lumpy body Yeah, you guys it looks like you share a body I'm gonna go out let me get that body. Um, I'm not I'm just fucking around with Chris. Yeah, it's good. Now how long you been doing comedy going on five years five She knew in the business. How long you been doing comedy, Shelty? A little over six six was like

April, man. What are you going on anything happening? What's happening with you? I'm not talking about him He's gonna be suffering in Martha's Vineyard. Martha's Vineyard, for the time of the voice. I've got a tweet cap. Yeah. You open up a bakery. Guys, who are selling cronuts?

Yeah, cronuts. We're doing a onion pizza, which is new. No, potato onion pizza. It's delicious. Shultz is still looking for a break in the business. No, I've been, I've been fortunate to have some cool breaks. I did, uh, we're, we're taping Girl Code now. Alright, so I think, uh, you're doing Girl Code?

Yeah, I do Girl Code and Guy Code. Why? Uh, cause they asked. Yeah. Why did you, why did you emphasize asked? I don't know if that's how I'd be funny. It was funny. You know, like I was, I'm gonna be the confident one.

Okay. Alright, go ahead. No, uh, so I, like I was, I'm gonna be the confident one. Okay. I got it. No, so I have a dating show that I'm hosting coming out of MTV in October and then I'm hosting a show called Jobs that Don't Suck on MTV too. MTV is just fucking sucking you guy. They're vacuuming the comic. Dude, we've got the great guy court,

which we both taped is I swear, that's guy court. Guy court is a court show based on guy code. So like, and I was a little upset that they denied my request to make the opening a parody of night court. I was a little upset that we couldn't do that. But, I think that's a target audience. I know, but it's my target audience. But taping it was one of the,

it was the most fun i've ever taped anything live there's a live audience you uh... you basically get to just bus balls with the other comic who's there i'm that you're just making for the you know um... um... comedy central to do the court great your all-do in the list but now there's another one too that uh... domi rarer did really comedy court uh... it was called comedy court following the a list uh... no i'm saying that it's that's been it's uh... dom i rarer did really comedy court uh... it was called comedy court following the a list uh... no i'm saying that it's that's been it's uh... the idea this wasn't see the idea for this is the comedy secondary even though

it's really primary so it's like you bring your buddy in bs if he finished the pizza you know what i want to say that master will you please fucking explain that to me it's secondary even though know its primary first of all what are those words mean second of all what does he mean? That He's like Shilji he could say the dumbest shit in the world and it sounds just cuz his hair Get you whipped up he's got that up. He's got that politician confidence. I'm voting.

Contra. I told you. I told you. I told you. Go ahead, what do you say? So it's these kids who watch Guy Code bring their buddy in because their buddy violated Guy Code in some way. Right.

I've asked. What's the case? I'm skipping. I'm skipping. A lot of men are men. One of the cases that thought was pretty funny was this kid hated group text. What a race. I'm skipping. A lot of men are men right here. One of the cases that thought was pretty funny was this kid hated group text. So every time he was involved in a group text, he would send a picture of his dick.

That's funny. To the rest of the people. I thought that was pretty funny. So you'd have, you know, Dan would be, you know, the person defending and I would be like the plaintiff or vice versa. And we're arguing these cases which are kind of silly so it's funny but also Dan is making fun of me. I'm making fun of Dan.

We're making fun of Dan Nell who's the judge and it's- Dan Nell Rollins, your eye is just leaking out of boredom or I don't even know what it is. I'm happy. It's just what happened. It was getting really wet. We're empty again.

Yeah, it was the left one right there. It's maybe a hanker tube. The lens? I don't know if it's letting me be. I was rubbing it. I was rubbing it. I just turned back over and I just not thinking about it. Yeah, it was the left one, right? It was the right idea. The hanker chip. The lens? I don't know if it's light anymore. I was rubbing it. I was rubbing it.

I just turned back over and I just saw it's growing. That would look so bad, Asta. It's always like dangerous people in movies. I always have that one thing. The glasses. You just had like a hanker chip that you just had to have to. Like a guy who blew it up.

Yeah. He's like blowing the blood. But you would be like a bond villain. You'd be like, what are you? What are you got going on Chris? Just around the city But I'm been torn a little bit with Chris hardwick really how's that it's been a lot of fun like getting exposed to bigger crowds and

Working my material. That's great. That's great. Look doing tours with comics are awesome You know go you know you just were out by yourself. How fucking terrible is that? It was fucking awful. I don't like it. I just didn't, yeah, I didn't. I love it, man. Being by yourself on the road?

Oh, no, not myself, but being on the road, I think. Being on the road is great. But when you're by yourself, but you know, everybody wants to become a headliner. I want to be a headliner, I don't want to. But then when you get there and you realize, oh shit, I'm alone in the middle of fucking nowhere. And look, if you drink, if you party, if you're getting pussy, that's great.

But if you've got a girlfriend and you're straight, you're straight eight, you know what I mean? And you've got to go home when you, it's a fucking nightmare. Yeah. It was, by the end, I got used to going home and watching Netflix, like to my hotel room. Right. People would be like, girls are back hey great you know thank you are the chicken is the kitchen still open to the comedy club like clothes check damn it yeah it's going back to the stuff we gotta order your food in between the fucking first and second show take it from a fucking fatty yeah let me get the hummus and the french fries and rummagra

Yeah, let me get the hummus and the French fries and rummage. Oh, that's for somebody. That's just a case I fail on the hummus. Yeah. Have you been on the road, too? Yeah, yeah, I've been up in Fortune. I've been on the road, man. I really dig it. And in time, it's like close.

Yeah, I'll ask maybe a buddy of mine to come or whatever. See, I like doing that. That's the most important thing. I had a blast with fucking this asshole and Gomez this weekend was just even going out there. It's even when as soon as you get in the car and you're with other comics and you're all going to the same gig, everything's okay. It doesn't matter who does what, if you're bomb,

you know that you got each other's backs, you know it's gonna be a good night and it just doesn't matter. I fucking love it. Yeah, it's just the, it doesn't, none of it matters. When you're by yourself and you're going into that fucking enemy territory, you know what I mean? You don't know who the middle is, you don't know who the fucking MC is, you don't know what the club is. You know, you're like, going to, all of a sudden you see people just screaming and yelling.

The guy goes up before you guys like fucking alcohol and come on, drink up! If something goes wrong, you're here to see Robert Kelly. That's why you're not laughing at me. Oh fuck me Don't worry Roberts coming up soon. Oh, yeah, you fucking come keep drinking it'll get fun here. No, well you're gonna get wasted Yeah, it's you're gonna be unintelligible. Yeah, don't keep drinking. Yeah, please actually that's bad coffee. Yeah, what I do Yeah, get coffee someone get's bad coffee. Yeah, what I do yeah get coffee. So look at that guy cough Yeah, yeah Vitamin B shocks Yeah, guys, we need a little do little concentration exercises before the headlobe What you do when you're doing like a like a

Talk to me bring me what you do when you're doing like a Thursday through Sunday Well, you you hang out with the people that are on the show. I hang out with, look, if the opener is cool, or the middle-er is cool, I'll always hang out out. I like to go, I don't hang out with fans, till like last couple of times I sent tweets out, where I'd be like, look, I'm in town, and they'd be like, you wanna go fishing? And I'd go, yeah.

And I got picked up at like five in the morning by these two dudes, we're awesome. Took me up over the fucking continent of the divide in Denver and all the side. We went fly fish in all day. And it was insane. And I got back a lot of day. I mean, around noon we said fuck it, came back

because I got a ticket in the app before my shows. And it was awesome. The biggest fish I've ever caught in my life. Hang out with these dudes, they were great. I'll hang out with the comics too. I've ever caught in my life, hung out with these dudes, they were great. I'll hang out with, you know, the comics too. I've done the Cleveland, the Ramon, the Dude in Cleveland, a Bill Squire, go to some of the fucking coolest restaurants. You didn't even know existed.

I think I went to this fall restaurant in Cleveland. I didn't even know it was there. It's like some of the best fought in the country, right in Cleveland in the bat It looked like a shitty backroom you wouldn't go as a white dude You'd see just Asian people going to be like you like they play fucking Bokka Ra back there I'm not going back there, but it's this fun awesome restaurant with a dirty door and it was the best one Some of the best food ever I do that shit. I'll hang out all the time now with comics and do shit

It's really guys you're a good. If you're a fucking good guy, I'll fucking hang out with you and take you to lunch. Do you work certain guys to open for you then? I say this, when I love looking out, bring guys with me when I can. Absolutely, but sometimes I can't. I can't afford to fly somebody out of some gigs and put them up on a fucking hotel.

They want you to do all that. There are a lot of these guys, a lot of these rooms have the local guy and they don't pay him shit. So it's like, you know, but, you know, if I'm in a room in the middle act, the feature act, they like to be called, well the MC is cool.

Any time in my town, dude, you can work with me. Just say it. Any fucking time. But it's weird too, like Denver, comedy works. They have a different three guys open every night. They have like a weird system. They have a weird system, but it's more like a showcase. And then they have the headliner.

You have like the MC2, sometimes two guys. No, it's an MC and then two guys spots. And they would have more too, but I was like, look, I'm doing an hour. So this is weird too. A lot of headlin of headlines just do 45 I didn't know that 52 Barely barely 52 You literally have to slow down on your Russian voice. Why do you want me to go down to a three 15 minutes is all Russian street Down to street I repeat street. I love that

more or less you're getting it. This weekend though I did like the stress factory. Vinnie have you done the stress factory yet? Yeah he'll do 40 fucking minutes of front. He doesn't give a fuck. You know Vinnie would just come in and it took me a while you know to deal with that. I think once you're funny, once you know you can go up after anybody or anything, you can just let go. There was a time, though, for a couple of years where I was fucking this, I know, and you got to do fuck, because I was like, I'm not fucking dealing with this shit. I mean, still, I mean, this place is that it just fucking the Wild West, and they don't care. But Vinnie will come in and, you know, he'll do,

you know, he'll come in what he hosted. He did 30 minutes up front as the host. And then he brings up the other guy and then Lewis. And it was already, it was already 45 minutes late, the second show. Yeah, you didn't get on to like 1130, saturday night. 945 shot and get onto 1130. Jesus.

So, but here's the thing, I can sit there and go, what the fuck? I'm never, and okay, don't, or I can go, you know, Vinny, I don't wanna wait that long. But I just was like, fuck it, I'm gonna do, I'll do 50. I got my hour, I know what the fuck I'm doing for my special, so I'm just gonna go home. And then, you know, it's like, fuck it, I'm gonna do, I'll do 50. I got my hour, I know what the fuck I'm doing for my special, so I'm just gonna go home. And then it's like, fuck it, I don't care.

How often you change it up, because you'll go back to some of these same. Well, I don't, look at man, I ain't Louis CK, I ain't even, it's like, these, some of these guys are, I was talking to Rogan about this last year, I called him one night late, just to ask him something, he picked up, and we wanna talk for like three hours on the phone. It was like in the middle of the fucking night,

we just yapping about all kinds of shit. I must have caught him when, I don't know if he was high or whatever, but we were talking about like, it takes me a long time to come. Things happen to me, and then I talk about it, and it becomes a story. And then I talk about it and it becomes a story. And then I add, you know, the punch lines in the story

and I play with that and then I, there's tags inside of that. And then I add details, which is kind of my thing, I'll add a detail and a detail, detail, detail, and you know, be specific with, so specific where it's funny. And then it gets bigger and bigger and then it gets smaller and then it gets bigger again and then around a year or two years it's kind of done. But I don't it does I don't do shit. I don't write jokes like

set up punch tag. You're too true. No, I don't I don't I don't fuck with those guys either because guys who write really funny jokes or just joke or people who have a character. Like Michelle Wolfe, she's a joke writer. There's certain guys that are really, it's just a quicker process, I think. You can be topical. I can be topical, but I'm not. I like just shit that happens to me. But you know, you feel pressure when you go back to those same markets and you know, I think you should. think as as I'm getting fucking older Yeah, I mean look You know I can you can see me

Fucking four times and I could do the same set every time But it's gonna be different every fucking time because I kind of perform it You know, I'm not a I'm not just standing in one spot Delivering a joke you didn't see that coming. Well, look, I don't, I don't think that's bad. I think it's good. You know, I think it's, I think every form of comedy has its great parts. I, you know, there's guys who really do the, Joe's a great joke writer. Yeah, very funny guy. You know, you very modest. So does voices and tells a story and there's jokes inside of that. You know what I mean? I've seen you and you kind of you tell stories too.

I haven't seen you yet, but even Chris, Chris goes up and talks about his fat ass. It's just him going up being as honest as he possibly can with punch lines in it and tags in it. You know what I mean? So everybody has their own little thing. This look at Hannibal Burris is a joke teller. Like I remember when he was at in Montreal this year, he went up and did this, it's a nasty show. But I was like, you're not nasty. So he went up and just did this whole reverse

weird thing about nasty things. Like I'm supposed to be now, you know, and he talked about like, I don't know, whatever, throwing up on a shoe that's nasty and he just kept talking about nasty instead of what we're supposed to be talking about pussy and shit like that it was funny that was his way of doing it and it worked you know what I mean because it's good at that you're good at what you do and I think that I I'm getting better at it but I think yeah you should have something new

it's scary though like what, you should have something new. It's scary though. Like what do you have an hour? 40 minutes, 50 minutes? I mean, when I go to... What do you have that's fucking, you know that's a solid fucking hour. Or a solid 45 or a solid 50.

What do you got? I mean, I do, I'll do a solid 45 minutes. So you have 45 minutes. Yeah, but you do an hour. Yeah, I do an hour. Because you fuck, without fuck with the crowd. That's what do an hour. Because you fuck without fuck with the crowd. That's what I'm saying. Take all that fluff.

45. All that bells and whistles out. 45 minutes. What do you got? 52. What do you got, Joe? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I did the CD and then I have a new hour. You have an hour. I mean, I could do an hour, yeah. You didn't have a lot of shows that I'm doing an hour. But that's the thing. You could do an hour in 20 minutes. The question. I can do an hour, yeah. You didn't have a lot of shows that I'm doing an hour. But that's the thing, you could do an hour in 20 minutes.

The question, I can do, like, well, I have hours, probably, of jokes, but I wouldn't want to do them and say, this is a really strong hour. I could say, I'm gonna give you a really strong 45. I could do, I could do an hour, I could probably do an hour and a half of solid jokes right now. I could do an hour and a half.

Solid, just no fucking, hey, that's a nice shirt. You know what I mean? No, I mean, we all do that shit. That's what Colin Quid said to me once. He goes, you know you're a great comic when you walk off stage and you don't feel guilty. He goes, because we all have something in our act. All we do is something during a set that we feel fucking guilty about, right? Yeah. And we still do it. But I think, look, I think you should come up with, I did new shit this weekend, you know, and it didn't work. It works, one thing worked, and I guess that's all you need. But like, Louis does a new six, fucking hour,

every six months, you know? I mean, I don't know. Derocha writes a lot. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, if we're talking quantity, not quality, what, no, I'm kidding. But there's people that can turn over quickly.

Yeah. I think that you should do it though. I think when you go back, especially, you know, you young guys, you know, you guys getting fame a lot quicker, I think, than I did. I mean, I'm not. I mean, you, you, how long have you been to the six years? You're already headlining? I don't, I don't, that, that doesn't even compute with me. You know what I mean you you you how long you been to the six years and you're already headlining I don't I don't that that doesn't even compute with me. You know what I mean?

But it's not that you're it's not you can't do it not that you're not doing it you're doing it So but here's the thing you know you guys ought like like you look at that show the code show that they're with Chris and the two girls You know when this runs its course we talked about this before it's got to be are you on your phone then? I was turning it on airplane mode Do you think I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid? I was a juvenile hall Fucking monitor Or whatever they call I know when fucking people around this stupid you're not paying attention

fucking people around this stupid, they're not paying attention. All right, do you think I was listening? Do you have fucking listening? Coach, this week, you said that's gonna be 10. Well, I'm not saying that, I'm saying that those things, you know, you guys are gonna have to have like something, you're gonna have to have that hour, and then they're gonna see that hour,

and they're gonna wanna see another hour. I think that's where comedy went now. And back in the day, you listen to a prior albus half hour half hour forty minutes of something like that you know i mean it wasn't a new you never knew how we're every fucking six months yeah burn ck changed it well i think carland did too i mean certain i mean

the the over exposure of comedy this com you can just turn it on and see it on the internet you know we're using i mean there's so many comedy clubs every weekend we're out. You know, you're not, you aren't, you are going back to the same places over and over and over again now. To make that fucking money. So as soon as something adds, you had that monetary value to it, now you have a product and you know, it's comedy and now you got to go back and you know I try I try like I

We how many people this week seven times saw me at the stress factories I had people before they were Married they saw me when they were couples and it's like all right cool Yeah, you see every time but I don't know I think with a joke writer when you can see it coming I don't know if you can see that over and over I don't think you can I think the shelf life is like one time or maybe I think it a joke writer, when you can see it coming, I don't know if you can see that over and over. I don't think you can. I think the shelf life is like one time, or maybe I think it's two times. I think it's two times.

Once it gets you, and the second time you watch the audience, enjoy the joke. Yeah, you know, it's like, oh, okay, this is gonna like this. Yeah, but I think like, I can watch a guy like you. I can watch you. I can watch you more than once, because you're going up there and you're kind of doing,

I can watch Louis because it's not the same every time. Yeah. Well, here's the, I think you want to see new jokes as you love them, but I've listened to a tell CD 40 times. Yeah. And it's the best every time I listen to it. Sign fell to CD. No, I agree, dude.

I'm the same man. I wasn't naked, gone 150 times. I CD. No, I agree, dude. I'm the same way. So I was naked gone 150 times. I agree. You're like, here's something that I would, we always talk about when I talk about your act, is like, I appreciate the vulnerability in your jokes. Like, yeah, you might be like a classic joke writer in style.

I am classic. I, no, but for real, I laugh every time when I imagine your leg up. I just, just because of the vulnerability of it, like the vulnerability doesn't get old. I love when one of us talks the other one with compliment, how that one, just, we love taking compliments. Just, yeah, yeah, no, thanks.

No, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I love it. We all do that. He was like, no, I don't know if that's, and he was like, no, I love the way you oh my act, okay Yeah, um, but you know, the same thing isn't there to I'm like even I remember on Bronx war Did you told me the story and I don't even know if it was in your acronym, but it was something about about is that

You woke up in a you woke up and your car was stolen or something like that hang on one second. Wait. Whoa Whoa, whoa, I want you to go downstairs do Do not let them in. Go downstairs. If it's Louis J Gomez, he doesn't come in. Okay. Anybody else? Anybody else can bring them in. Louis J Gomez doesn't come in. What? If it's Lester Banger. Yeah. Shit. God damn man. Yeah. So I'm sorry. I interrupt. Sorry about like you woke up in a stolen car or something like that. Yeah, what was it? What was the... I, my friends, when I was drinking back in the day, when I was like 13 or 14, I got, I took

a T-Ball, which is a yellow pill that just fucked you up. They did you like, you were shit faced. And I took, I drank some beers, which I shouldn't have, I smoked some weed. I was just way too much stuff. And I just passed out my friend's Monteolo and I woke up and they someone stole it So he woke up with the people who stole Whatever I think where I hear your name. That's the first day pops into my head is you Just waking up out of your slumber and then these two fucking dudes in the front of the car like that's in movies

Dude, that's not what happened after that that what's that what happened after that they were like they yelled they were like if you fucking tell anybody well I've I've actually written that story down like in for a certain thing like now after since I've told you that I've been in the last few months where stories like that the time I blew a guy for a steak you know It's the classic you go into a closet if you blow me give you a steak So but you know like What is it? It was Tony from next what he need? You just forgot his key. Oh, okay, so I got to run all the way down for Tony. Yeah, um, you blew a dude for a stink

Yeah, I was young though Boys being boys just experiment there. He was fucking you know, you got an older guy Tony. Yeah, so I could take a few What kind of steak? It was a T-bone. It was okay. Yeah, the filet on one side and the porter on the other I believe yeah, it was worth it You know, it's so funny is that You do all this weird shit sexually as a kid. I don't know if did you do any weird shit sexually? Not really you they look I'm not trying to be corporate in I really didn't do it. You didn't do anything Sometimes it's just boring Or I could what you want me to like to be like yeah, we did some crazy shit

The same way I got fucked in a drainage This before when Norton was here you guys were talking about sucking each other's dick Come on you got come on I'm like, you're blowing your butt in circles. And then you get me like, come on, you got, come on. And I'm like, I never fucked a guy, I wanted to fuck a guy, I wanted to fuck a guy, fucking, I never had it. You never fucked with your friend in the room? No.

No, I didn't have a buddy, your hat's sex. While my friend was also having sex. No, you fucked the same check. I've done that. Oh yeah, but not, yeah, that's the fucking what the dude in the room. No, that's not... You, the way you say it, makes it seem like a good stuff.

Not fucking the dude. That's fucking with the dude in the room. You were banging dude in the chick watches. Pretty freaky. You pretty bad. No, no, no. Like baby, I'm gonna bring it in the fridge. What about you, Chris?

No. You've never fucked with another dude in the room. No. Really? What did you just straight up fuck check? This is me and the girl. Talking to the mic. This is me and the girl talking to Mike. This is me and the girl really yeah, I don't I Feel like I'm left out now You're in the majority here

What sucks is when they turn it on you and they make you feel bad I'm gonna have to blow a 13 year old for a piece of meat. Right. We got no Third I was younger than that and okay All right, yeah, he was 13 that's what yeah, I was where you 13 Okay, so you were 11 he's 13. Listen 11. I know anything that be gay. It's the mother. How old were you? I didn't have pubes how old I don't know that's how old and you just put to how does this guy have access to Teabone's I don't think I blew him I don't think I blew him because I would have to know what blowed.

I think I just put his dick in my mouth. If you want to be technical, it'd be funny or something. It'd be funny if you did like, if you slapped your tongue with his dick, it'd be real nice. Like if I freaked him out, I was like, oh you liked that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Just doing this is a power move. I'm enjoying this.

Yeah, I'm just doing what I saw my father do to my, both the brother. Yeah, just living through a cycle. Was he pleased? Well, I'll explain something to you that when kids, when they, when you're young and it's, I'm just some people it's, it's quite common when you're a kid. It's second day.

It's just what you do. It's out of the way. You're going to like, let me tell you a little story. I can suck in that dick for some meat. When you're a boy, a young little boy and you suck that cock for the first time. This isn't anything, this is a really good one. When you have a steak on the grill,

and that cock is right by your mouth. My question is, after that, how long did it take for the smell of cooking meat to not remind you of penis? Oh, here's the thing. When this is a fact, this is a fact that when you're young, that you don't know what gay is, you don't know what sex is. You nobody, and when nobody's there to tell you about it,

which happens a lot in Irish Catholic homes and religious homes where they don't want to bring it up You wind up experimenting or finding out how I don't hang out with little girls I know with other boys young boys. Hey, what do you think? I get a little girl and You you wind up you know fucking playing with each other's ding ding Yeah, with girls. Oh, man up put that guys dick in your in your mouth queer up. Let's get into a fucking naked dog pile man It's very in this people out there listening now that are going are on your side But there's also people they'll look I this is what fucked me up judging your

No, no, I'm gonna say this. I know you're comfort is fascinating. I want to say this I fucking back in his chair right now, by the way. I would be hovering over the microphone. I would be holding it for dear life. You gonna stand, I felt like, I felt when I finally learned what sex was, I was like, oh my God, I'm the guy that they're calling Faggot or queer.

And I'm not, I don't like, I'm older now, I know what it is. I'm a romantic. I love this, I like this girl, but I had this fucking crazy dark fucked up secret with sex because nobody taught me what was right or what's wrong. I told you that I got molested in a bush by that fat chick when I was young. She played with my ding ding and I was fucked. I thought God was gonna punish me. I thought I was going to hell. And I couldn't tell anybody. I had to bury it. I had to bury it because if I would have been bad, if I did. So here I am in all my life, feeling different fucked up.

I had all these dark secrets that weren't even secrets. When I told somebody, finally, they were like were like I told you this I've said this like it's very common right with four kids to explore and do this weird shit look if if if I'm 13 I'm still sucking a dick yeah I mean well you know you're not a problem. Well, you're like just the kids. It's like when the Penn State scandal happened and these kids are like, how are their kids? And they are taking advantage of these kids, but kids are like 15 and 16. It's like, you know what you're doing now, don't you?

Well, I think that when you're 15 and 16, I think you know what you're doing, but also sexually, I think you mature later. I think you really, look, I don't think you know the difference between touch is touch. Right. Feeling tingly or tickly or whatever it is, it is what it is.

And if there isn't a right or wrong, if you don't know what the fuck's going on, if you're lonely or sad or fucked up, and somebody look shows you attention at all. You might do so. Look, I drank and used drugs at the, when I was in sixth grade, because I didn't get the attention and the love

I needed from my family or my mom or whatever. I didn't have anybody. My mother worked every day. I was alone in the house, my sister had her own friends. I was all alone every single fucking day. And nobody gave me anything. Nobody gave me what I desired most was a fucking, just a little affection, a little you're doing a good job, a little I love you.

How was your day? Just some fucking amount of attention I didn't get. So when these kids, Dickie and Scott, who were punks, and the same problem was me, drank and use drugs and robbed and beat people up and did all this crime. When they took me under their wing, I would have done any fucking thing not to be taken away from there.

I ran away, I did the drugs, they did, I drank what they drank, I did the crimes, they did because I just didn't want to feel sad or lonely again. So you can't blame a kid for doing something or going somewhere because they don't know, because you don't know how they felt inside. You don't know what when an older person or somebody

makes them feel good about themselves. Feeling negative or positive, that attention, it doesn't matter, it's attention. Okay, and we're humans. And if we're not getting the right amount of love or affection from the people that are fucking supposed to give it to us. Right. Who the fuck your job is to give it to us?

I'm sorry. And you don't, then don't fucking blame these kids when they go off and do stupid shit or get caught up and fucked up situations. Don't blame them when they're fucked up and doing drugs or doing weird sexual shit because you didn't fucking take the time to fucking explain to them. To test them.

Yeah, out homophobia. Yeah, the fucking dick. What if you were fucking for it? You just have a freaky ass kid. Hey, look man, that's what people say to me now. What if you kid, I don't give a fuck. I only want my kid to like himself. and I wanted to know that I fucking love him To death that no matter what the fuck he does

He's gonna be fine no matter where the fuck he goes What he wants to wear what the fuck how I'm his mom and dad got his back That's all you need in life you need one other person that believes in you as much as you do and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Still Bonnie McFarlane said something interesting in me. Boo! No, but she's kidding. That's because she's got, you know, she has kids or whatever and I was like, you know, I feel like she has kids.

Don't you see kids? She has kids. She has one. Yeah, don't fucking freak out, boss. But she said, she said, because I was like Bonnie fucking around on me I feel like it's so important for like kids to be confident, you know Yeah, it's like how do you instill confidence in a kid? Yeah, because you know confidence is what allows them to say no to drugs or no to doing these other things And she goes I just listen and like I thought about that the fact that Someone listening to you like when you say words and just going and what Chris is doing on this podcast

No, but real like isn't that important imagine imagine nobody like you for example You just wanted someone that would listen and validate your thoughts. Well, I wanted more listen. I wanted more listen Get it jump I wanted more than that I wanted more than that. I wanted more than that. I wanted attention. I wanted affection. I wanted a fucking hug.

A pat on the back. I wanted some direction in life. I didn't, you know, I don't know what the fuck was going on. You know what? When I lived in Chicago, I ran it before and after school program in... Was you're more intelligent than everybody I get it because I needed a job to pay my rent and I work and in between time I work with

special ed kids what was your rent for all is a month it should I live in the wriggly village special ed job nothing okay sorry go ahead apparently you only smart one in the room legitimately didn't get it

I can get it special ed job yeah alright so it was a fucking dinger Apparently only only smart one in the room legitimately didn't get it I really I can get it especially Led joe Yeah, all right, so it was a fucking dinger. I got all right. God. I got the bomb bandana already sat around all right Fuck those most uncomfortable bomb ever. Well you guys literally even go boo and give it a band-aid You just went nodding That was my favorite kind of bomb that there is when people are unaware that an attempted humor had been made Yeah, you're really really left a confusion bomb

I wasn't sure what the reactions were still trying to figure out. I was just trying to open up I was trying to I love when Joe go joke is That's what I thought Was gonna be low because it's Detroit. You know, I don't know. All right, you know what? That was a bomb on many levels.

I'll take it. Now, I love when Joe's accent, come I was on a wear. And it was a fucking quack sack of over there. All right, good, I'm sorry, good. I ran a before and after school program at a school and I worked with kids a lot and you could tell the kids that needed

attention like they would act out and they would do certain things and it just made me feel bad and it then it made me appreciate my parents because they were there for me and it really made me appreciate that so I totally understand. Yeah, it's I think as comics though, I mean you're a broken toy. I think if you're in this fucking business, I don't care know, as comics though, I mean, you're a broken toy. I think if you're in this fucking business, I don't care if you have great parents, great family, something happened somewhere. Of course.

Something happened. And that's, I mean, look, it's gonna happen. I know my kid's gonna, you know, something's gonna happen to him, it's gonna suck. I was forced to watch Pono, like age four five by who my brother and my cousin because they could watch They were like older than me. You got secrets. So they what happened? You were in the room where they would jerk it off No, they weren't not they weren't taking off but who watches porn without you dick out who watches it as like an afternoon show We know come on in we're just gonna watch these people sucking

afternoon show no good morning we're just gonna watch these people suck it was like for you know what somebody lies when they use no more than no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no It wasn't like that just not on on that no because they used to put me with my brothers and cousin my brother Because because They knew that they were I wouldn't they wouldn't fucking put porn on if I was there But they did anyway right so they used to steal their dad's porn and my uncle's porn Who jerked off? I don't think they went to the bathroom. I remember them going to the bathroom together Maybe I don't know. Oh, you what did you do? What did I I was just in the room sitting in a corner? I had no idea it was going on. I said titties. I knew about your own

I knew about That's What did you think of it? I don't they told me about jerking off. They told me how to jerk off did you so you jerked off? They taught you they taught me when I was like seven or eight. I've never seen this I was in a We were in Saint Martin together That's what I did in Ireland and I can come into my room and they tell me at a jerk off Seven. Yeah, you take your dick out. So you took your dick out. No, I was sleeping. They're like Did you show this isn't Lewis J Gomez? No, I'm sorry. Did you fly to Saint Martin just for the lesson?

It was a good convention even a vacation. We get down to the Caribbean and teach this guy a jerk off. That's so weird. Yeah, they just can't even want to fuck with me, I guess. They were looking at a time share and they will teach you. But I think maybe there's part of it. It sounds abusive and I'm sure you're scarred, but it seems like there's part of it that there is kind of kind.

They figured out the most amazing thing. Like we're going to share this with everyone. We'll be the first ones to put it in. Now they just wanna fuck me. No, I'm just gonna fuck me. They just wanna... I like your stuff that applies to it. Like when you discover a comedian,

you're like, you do it. You haven't seen fucking, you haven't heard this album, you gotta hear this. It's like a new Street Fighter move. Yeah, with your dick. Look, it hears a deal though. You shouldn't be fucking showing kids porn man.

What? Well they would, why? I were like 10 or 11, I was like, yeah, they'd like just sit here and watch us and no one knows for watching porn. I don't think... I don't think... 11's young to watch porn too. I don't think it's healthy.

I don't think it's healthy. I mean, I don't think it's healthy to... I don't think it's healthy to show a fucking 10, 11, 12-year-old. That was fun. The porn, you know. 12-year-old middle school. 12, 12-year-old middle school. There's a girl that's supposed to be.

I have to suck dick. You did? A girl. You used to suck dick during lunch. That's his story. Oh, God. There was a girl who's dense. Was it you?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Everything's fucking sure it's like two guys You're in short yeah because you look like you have a scooter You're just like mighty McFly when he went back to the past all right Hey, go hang on one second hang on one second. Hey, go. Hey go Joe This will you clock second wrap that I was god I don't know why I didn't have the service because it's put on my mic for fucking four weeks I've been bombing for four weeks on my own show. You're not good Have you ever touched the man's dick? No, never I'm the only one. Yeah I guarantee that's not true. I guarantee this not true. I've seen a lot of that promise like showers and stuff like that

I've played sports my whole life. I see you know, I see Joe's piece Yeah, where? In a hotel room. Why? We thought it'd be I was in the shower chat. I thought it'd be funny if I walked out with a full bone But I couldn't get it up because the this is my proof that I'm a sexual I couldn't get it fully up because I was so But it was a weird thing. That's what's what's what's What's the basis about I don't know That doesn't prove you're not gay. Just prove you're not into soda. I Didn't know I'm gonna make me feel bad about myself

So if you're the band whose shouts was laying outside on a fucking on a double bed Be shooting you That would have worked you'd come before you got out of the shower and ended ended up being better because it ended up being straight out like a diving board. Or like a... Is he got a big piece? Yeah, that's a good, good, good, such piece. So, you're just working on an email or whatever, just trying to be like, whoa, you got a sick cut.

Really fun. We had a great time. That was funny. Well, I mean, look, I guess I'm the only one, but I just think, I don't agree with it. I think I was fucked up. I wish somebody took me aside and said, hey, sex is sex. You know, you know, I, I, God damn it. Well, can we just get over it? Sex is sex. Teach a kid about fucking sex when you're supposed to. You know, let him know that it's out there and get, keep him away from fucking porn.

Fuck me up so bad. I just wanted to murder fucking chicks. Just fucking dude, dirty fucked up shit. I think a little porn is healthy though. I think porn is all right, I do, but it's, you know, it took so long to get out of the addiction, you know? It's what you're saying. Yeah, like, 10, I wasn't gonna regular massage. And it's like, now I gotta go get a fucking dirty one.

I'm gonna go fucking murder somebody. I'm gonna murder my wife. Sitting there like, this lady's just did my inner thigh and my ass just popped up in the air. I just, yeah, I got a doggy position. She had to push me back down. So wiggle in it. She said no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got this 48 college tour. I booked every school on this NACAD festival. So I was gone for two months Five six days a week. They just blocked book. I lost feeling in my finger from going and doing these shows

Because these shows like one of them was great and the next five were just terrible like in a cafeteria at a Christian school At 630 at night. It was just a nightmare. Some of them were great, some of them were fucking awful. I lost finger in two of my feelings, in both of my pinky finger and the other finger. I don't know what that is. What is this one? Ring finger. Is that the ring finger?

Because I don't have a ring on it. If you're like a Daniel Potter Shutter ring on it. You should have put a ring on it. I can correct you. Put a shutter. Is it not? You should have put a ring on it. You should have put a ring on it. You should have put a ring on it. I got to correct you put a shudder Is it not should have put a shudder ring should have put a ring on it? I had to put a ring on it. So I got the essence of it I got the essence of it. I had this and that's right. I got it.

Shocks got a win today. I got a corrected list. So I had to go to this guy This dude and he he healed me. It was in my back this dude and he healed me. It was in my back. My tension was in my back and when my wing, it went up to my head and went down it to my fingertips. And I lost feeling in my fingertips because of a thing in my back.

Nervin my back. He, but the first time I went to him, we're in his studio and I was, I had to take my, I was like, do you want me to, you know, take my clothes off. He's like, no, just a shirt. Mike, you don't had to take my I was like do you want to you know take my clothes off? He's like no just your shirt like you don't take my pants off or something No, I'm like all right. How does this work? Do I suck your dick first? Come back at me or what's up? Do you only work out if you've come or?

Stakes here Guys like I'm just here to help you with your help you So I'm not gonna suck you dick first I suck you dick after cuz I don't really know if I want to No, no, no, you came to me with the back issues in your hand. I'm gonna suck you dick If I'm gonna suck you dick just tell me what I'm gonna suck you dick dude security Just take the hit just take the stock I'm happy we married I have a wife Hey, no, he was gay

He was like honey. He's like honey before I'm no, he was gay. He was like, honey, he's like honey before I have someone. He was gay. He wanted nothing to do with me. I remember, like half way through, I go, you know, my hamstring kind of, I'm just going to work on your back. You're kind of being a little bit of a sassy band. You're kind of being aggressive, and I feel vulnerable right now. First off, honey, I wouldn't even touch your hands for you. Yeah.

Enough of working on your hands. Oh, man. And throw it off. It's dick sucked after. All right, man, let's check it out. This has been a fun show. You guys have been great. And you're thanks for coming down.

Thank you, man. Chris, thanks for stopping by. Thank you for having me. It's, I always like when I have new guys on. You guys were real great. And Chris Scopa. That's scope. Oh, yeah. Scopa. It's scopa when he fucks me on my reads. Mm. You still could have read it.

This one. This one I don't like about having Chris as the intern. Kelly would have wished it. I could fucking, yeah, Kelly's shoulders round up. She might have said me. Yeah. I would have got 40 texts after the show going, do you think probably she really meant it to me? That I didn't pretty down in this knee?

This kind of doesn't give a fuck if this is his bad ass confidence. Yeah, that's the best. He has. He has NBA player hitting get as confidence. Yeah, that's what he does. He got big ass thoughts. He has NBA player hitting on you confidence. Yeah. He really, he really does. He's got fucking a basketball-wise combo. He still could have read it.

Go fuck yourself. If I go one-eye. I have fucking one-eye. I'm reading off on a fucking iPhone. Cuck suck fuck. Joe, I love you. I love you too, bro. You gave me such a beautiful text the other day. Oh yeah, we are sweet. Very, very, you know what? I love it when this is what makes me happy. Is that the fans, we had so many YKWD fans out this weekend.

Yeah, ton of fans coming out. Look at man, I love you guys listening to this show man. I love that you show up and support us. Um, at our gigs live and you came up to Joe in the middle of fucking where was it? I was a grand rapids. Grand Rapids and you got this beautiful, beautiful uh, yeah nice guy and uh, I said a lot of nice things with the podcast and any, any sees everyone that comes to town. He goes and sees me. Uh, and, uh, big fan and I, a lot of nice things with the podcast and any sees everyone that comes to town. He goes and sees me and a big fan and I feel like we're part of people's lives. It's nice. Feels good. Well, we are, man. We do the shit to for fun and shit and giggles and have a laugh every week.

But you forget that what we say here, a lot of people, we affect people. We are that motherfucker when I was alone and we didn't have direction and we didn't have people talking or giving that attention or we are that to some people. Some people love listening to the show. Some people love to laugh. Some people love the insight

where they love the new guys on the show, especially the old guys, Dan and Joe and now Chris and Kelly and myself and even stupid ape fucking Lewis Jake fucking Gomez. But I don't think the listeners understand how great it is when you're in a city that you don't know anybody and they're like, I'm a big fan of the podcast immediately that's like, oh, so you get my sense of humor. All right.

You're already good. I'm good. Now I can have fun. Like a lot of the times I've been taking hot ones in Kansas City or San Antonio. You look and there's a YKWD fan laughing and you're like, I can just play to you. And maybe a couple of people, you're gonna be my raft to get me through this.

Fuck yeah. And it's great. Yeah, and I love you guys. You guys are great. We got the, we got you knew, the Bill Murray photo came in. You guys can send stuff to us individually or to the show.

We'll put it up in the studio. Please, it's the email is 676A, 9th Ave. Number 424, New York, New York, 1036. Again, that's 676A, 9th Ave. Number 424, New York, New York, 1036. You can make sure, don't email food, don't send food, we can't have food. staff number four to four New York New York one oh oh three six you can eat make sure don't email food don't send food we can't have food a Chipotle gift cards now you know we're gonna get that I am starting well if you send that

send it to all of us don't just fucking if I see a fucking envelope with just Chipotle gift cards to Joe list I'll kill somebody so make sure that every but not the guys on today then I'm gonna have to have him fight to the death. I think that's what he's gonna do with Kelly when Kelly comes. Yeah, sure. Chris is like a saying. He's like a fucking... I'm gonna get shit for that. Signed him on a free agency.

He's coming out just to... Why are you always gonna be a jitter? I have to listen to the shirt from the beginning. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that.

I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for that. I'm gonna get shit for say it's like a fucking shit for that signed amount of free agency he's coming out just Joe why you always got me? Yeah, I have to listen to the shirt for in the morning because of the time difference, but I just downloaded it.

Hey man, my father just did Shakurri. I'm gonna get one of these shit. You really hurt my feelings. I can't do voices. She's a ha ha. You and Nate it's always a good voice. You have to have that. I had it.

Watching Joe and Nate attempt them because they go in and then they look at you. voices. He's a new and neat. It's always a good voice. You have to watch and Joe and Nate attempt them because they go in and then they look at you. I want to thank Ian Rice, Peter, Rassy, George Burr. I want to thank Sam Westmensch and Heather Graves. Heather Graves? William Livingston. Ann is just a constant contributor. Heather Graves too. Heather Graves again. Bella, yeah, you guys have been just no baruso. You know you're a fucking amazing.

You guys are great, man. Thank you so much for donating. All this stuff goes into stuff we produce for you guys. It goes right back to you. I don't want you to think I'm paying'm paying any bills with that shit definitely not a Ma. I'm sure for new glass. I Don't know why you do you do you guys thanks You guys thanks for fucking donating to the show we got a big news coming out

And November we're doing the live podcast Yeah, baby. We got a very special, special guest too. I just confirmed the second special guest. So it's going to be in November, the date for that. And we have a riot cast standup show coming out. We have a date, those two dates are coming out next week.

So as soon as we announce this, get your tickets. Where? I can't tell tell but it's around here I got it it's yeah we all look the same okay I love when he does that I love when he sings it's about the front door like a ghost into the fog when nobody notices

the contrast of white on white. Joe, we got that in the first take. I think we're going to do that. Joe sounds good. Lester things, what a love that. That's what I was thinking. We're going to definitely find that podcast from last week But whatever we did another podcast, which was just as brilliant So I want to try to get that other podcast, but if not I want to thank you guys coming in Chris What do you got man? Chris Lambert dot com Chris Lambert on Twitter. That's L.A.M.B. RTH I have a podcast called the mundane festival and

I'm gonna be in San Francisco with Chris Hardwick at Cobbs and in November I'll be with him at the Carolina Theater and Durham and I'm around. Just around. Just around, I'll tweet out and I'm my day. What did you mean, Hardwick? I worked with him at the Arlington Draft House in Arlington, Virginia. Yeah. And we worked at Levity and then we did Caroline's

and then I did some dates with him and Philly and DC and Baltimore. That's good. Way to latch onto him. I wouldn't say I'm latched on, but. You know I'm kidding. I'm kidding, buddy. I love how serious you are.

You're so dramatic. I'm not dramatic. But I would love to have you on my podcast. No, it's not gonna happen. Okay, what? What? Don't say that I didn't ask. I tried. What, who listens to your podcast?

I'm in a few states and a few countries. It's growing. I will... 10,000 people? No, no, no, no. I'm... 5,000 people. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know.

But it's... Millions. It's getting good. I'm gonna have 30 episodes. What do no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no guest on sometimes, but normally it's by myself. And then, well, if I was on it, that'd be one of those times you have guests. Yes, it would be. It would be good. Yeah, I was. Did you like that? You're very smart, Bobby. Thank you.

If nobody told you, I'm telling you, I would be on your show. Okay. Not right away. Talk about it. Talk about it. Actually, talk to him, apostle about it. But listen, um, yeah, what do you got Andrew? Um, besides everything?

No, I'm going to be doing some stand-up dates. I got Fox Woods, the 26th to the 28th of September. And then I'll be doing care lines through the six. That's comics, it's Fox Woods. Make sure you say that. Yeah, I had a good time last week with Timer out there. Ryan, his father wasn't there, but it's... Oh, yeah. It was good. Yeah, right. Ryan's dad has been He's been challenged me to a basketball game for like the last two years And then he always is like a broken elbow or something like that every time I go

Yeah, he actually actually breaks his elbow or snaps his Achilles something is just so he can have a legitimate like He's not he doesn't want to lie because he's not a liar, but it doesn't want to actually come through with the fucking Bet But that'd be cool. Yeah, if people can come out. So Foxwood and check you out on on. Yeah, everyone else. Twitter is Andrew Schultz SCH ULZ and my website is the Andrew Schultz.com. So there was already an Andrew Schultz. Somebody took Andrew Schultz. Wow. Is it a fan? No, it's a web designer. So he's not giving it up. Right. Yeah, no, he's not giving up Very talented very funny both you guys

Stance soda. What do you got monster voice Calgary, Alberta? 26 through the 28th lot of Bret Hart references My can be talking about stew heart and the dungeon come on out to the left shop We're gonna have a good is it really called the laugh shop? I believe so I don't know that look today Dancer and you're gonna be on the special ykwd shop fuck. Yes, I am. Yes, she is I'm super excited for that. Yeah, we'll be announcing that next week. I think but great Joey What do you got oh boy big one happening August 25th and 26th

I'll be at city steam in Hartford with our friend Mark Norman. Are you gonna be playing highlight and between sets? Hartford I don't think it's August job by the way. So I say obviously. Yeah, I look way out of it October October 26th, rocktober. Yeah. I didn't use to call it. We're calling it, I never called it October. You had to, right? I never did that. I never had to do it. I love that you fucking, you send people to pockets. Locked October. And fucking. I just 2014. Chris, I wish, I wish you, why would you tell tell them I would love it for people to go next year

Yeah, I've been waiting for this Joe this I've been waiting you really took away the home from my fucking highlight joke that bombed Well, that didn't even I just had a major image your Chicago four dollar rent joke look like you were carlin. It's just bomb twice Is that what happened? I don't think we've ever had a twice bomb you got doubled the bombing i just fucking went off twice one joke double the bomb you always gonna check the fucking you always gonna check the bomb it could go off again oh wow you got my new character you jackals done i got a fucking career i'm gonna get into alive of 2018. I have a show.

I have the 14th of the 14th month in the year. Guys that promote in 2042. I whites will become the minority. I will be opening for Chris Hodwick. I have nothing. Joe the Rosa has a show. Go ahead. October October.

This October. You jerks. October 20th. It's my birthday month. 26th your birthday October. This October. You jerks. October. It's my birthday month. It's my birthday month. What are you school girl? She was. October 25th and 26th.

What do you, Christopher Wocken and that movie? Sydney Steam. In Hartford. Wonderful brewery and club and. With Marco. Mark Norman is also on. Speaking of Mark's headliner. I'm headliner yet.

Oh, because Mark's headliner. Yeah, he is. But, you know, she's, why am I putting a plug open for Mark Norman? mark who mark normand is also on speaker my mind i'm headlining you dumb dumb all right because marks are a minor yet is but uh... you know uh... she's what i'm gonna plug open for my common but i'll give him plug the other stuff when you're opening yeah but not i have been you know fucking you whatever uh... mark normand and i also have a new podcast it's out uh... it'll be out on it's called no you talk it's called two days with stories it's going on i think that's like two days with marie

to say who's murry more or we say it murry embossed it's just a minute that's just a little silly that's really funny as it is a really funny i think it's funny what where is it located

we do it stand up new york really so so are you on the are you on a network it's funny. Where is it located? We do it at Stand Up New York. Really? So are you on a network? It's called Stand Up Labs. Oh boy. So you're already on a network? Yeah, yeah. You're on another network other than Ryan Cass. We've had this conversation in four weeks in a row,

you dumb dumb. Well, I like to do things in fours. Oh, sorry. And then if you want, October 16th, 18th, 22nd, and 23rd, you can see me front row at Pearl Jam four nights four on a seven nights you know in the 23rd 24th 25th and 26th you going up shows you're actually promoting you going to a Pearl Jam concert front row seats for all four why are you fucking doing that because I want people to know that I fucking

do that December 14th I'll be at Barclays seeing Queens of the Stone Age. Do it. Hey, this weekend I'll be in Las Vegas at the Mayweather Canelo fight. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Are you really going?

I'm really going to the ring. How did you get tickets? I didn't get tickets for the fight. I'll just be in Vegas. I went to one of those fights. Those are awesome. I was actually behind a gas station in Queens, but I saw two guys fight.

I was showing off my midget ass to two black chicks over in Brooklyn. They started breaking in. But all of a sudden, it's a slap in each other. The TV on the back for a fucking seat, cushion, had the fight off. So I was watching it. I don't want to derail the train here, but I'm going to miss the spot. I got to run. Yeah, okay.

Well, don't run. Walk, because I don't want you get hurt. Well first I gotta I gotta pee Alright go ahead pee I've pee Chris what do you got? I love you at Chris Scopo on Twitter Playing in the village anywhere and if Bobby or Andrew needs a ride he also has a new line of boy shorts shorts. It's called Apple Bottom for men. If anyone listen to this, I will do commercials for big asses on guys. He really does have the fucking, he has like the Brazilian mannequin butt. It sounds like the street claw, like the hood close. When you go up 125,000, exactly. It's the Harlem mannequin. Alright, I'll be in Harlem. So I'll have my ass. Oh, God. Someone could just call a pair of sweat suits. Exactly. It's the one. What is it? Well,

what's the materials? The floor sweat suit. Oh, I got like a light blue. If anyone gets this guy to me, I'm going to pants. Anyone's ascending the lower pants. I guy to me, I need a pants. Anyone with a send in the lower pants, I will wear them. I will wear pants. I am broke.

So please send it. I'll have you hilarious as someone sent a yoga pants in. And someone is sending yoga, will you wear them if somebody sends them in? Yeah. I'm going to send you a picture. So just be the pants.

Well, it's just a picture of just your ass. I'll be on, I like girls daily as well. I really love my ass. No. Well, you guys, make sure you check out. I'll be on I like Girls Daily as well. I really love my ass. Well, you guys make sure you check out, I'll see you later, Joe. I'll run. Thank you. Take it easy, buddy. Have a good set.

I want to thank you guys for showing up. Thanks for coming down. You guys, it was really fun. If you guys want to check out my dates, robacallylive.com for tour dates, anything you need about me, Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, so robbercullylive.com. Make sure you go to my site on Riotcast, watch our videos from there.

We have videos every week that we put together, let you know who's gonna be on the upcoming show. Now the Kelly's gone, it's actually being done right, correct Chris? That is correct. That is correct. So make sure you go there and what else the fuck do I got how many where's my shows Chris you were gonna be coming I

haven't right here actually Bobby yeah go ahead I have to go to your schedule I would like you to Bobby will be playing okay Bobby Kelly yeah me will be September 19th 20th 21st and 22nd yeah well actually the different shows actually the 19th is the Midland by AMC with none other than Dane Cook in Kansas City Missouri yep the Riverside Theater with Dane Cook and Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Fox Theater with Dane Cook and Detroit, Michigan. Chicago Theater with Dane Cook, Chicago Illinois. October 10th, 11th and 12th.

You will be going to be at McGubby's Joe Kouse in Timonian, Maryland. The 17th, 18th, 19th. You were going to be at the Atlanta improv in Atlanta, Georgia. For one night only, Bobby Kelly, October 24th is gonna be at the Rebel Casino, and then it's City, New Jersey. That's the new one out there.

Have you done that? Yeah, the little hotel rooms. Wee. The hotel's great, the Casino's great. They're a little, fucking up, they're a little lot of tight, but they tight but they're like oh he's doing a half and you're doing 45 and and this lady lit me and she was just like I took the a nice mid midnight greyhound back to New York from Atlantic City. Oh man that's scary. Why don't you rent the car. This was before I started running cars well now that I'm a hurts gold member. Well, Dan. I have a car

We got a rebel casino and then you will also gonna be your hurts gold number the Comedy works of Albany Albany, New York the 25th and 26th, right? You're gonna be at just for laughs, St. John's Netherlands, I believe Netherlands, over 30th, the Netherlands, or what's the where you gonna be? Did you hear what they just said? Hey, you said she's gonna be the just for laughs Netherlands. St. John's in the Netherlands. I saw the NL. Where is that? New Orleans Where is there an O is not New Orleans either you New Orleans Oh, it's not New Orleans either you

And I don't match all and L is And oh new Orleans national league Netherlands to Lee so I'm not the dumb one here. I don't even know what NL is I know the National League Baseball I know because the giant It's a Caribbean place St. John's somewhere. It's in St. John's St. John somewhere. It's in St. John's. Anyways, that's enough digs. I've got a lot of gigs coming up. And then the semi-dance. Just a bit in a principality of the coast.

The fucking Tanzania did. I'm doing a one-nighter. I just got news today. Something really cool came up acting wise in October. You're gonna play a bond villain with a glass I'm very excited though, so I'll let you guys know when I can no, no, what is it? Tell us is I can't why I can't I can't You're saying I believe in that you know, I told somebody here's a deal I told people all weekend about my special, You know, we're gonna be coming in New York,

it's coming in November, some were locking down the date at the where, over at the Menendalein Theater, because we narrowed it down to one theater in November. I get a call today, available only on one day in November, which is common, come home, which I'm on, which my fucking management produces.

So I'd have to, it's just like, is this acting thing sirens related? No, no, no, no, but that's a, no, but I did that. That was great. Did you do it yet? No, it's great. Great show. This show coming out on USA Network. It's funny.

I read for it, but it is. I didn't get it. I saw Josh there when I read. The Josh got it. Diddy, he got it. I, uh, but it is fucking I ain't getting it. I saw Josh there when I read. The Josh got it. Diddy, he got it. I, uh, he's a great show, but the one thing about a possible that's great is that they, when they like you, you're in. Yeah.

They're fucking Tom, Bartol, Leary, CERPICO. When they fucking, when they see you and they're like, this guy's good, they'll bring you in. And they, I mean, they leave it, look it, they leave it up to you to get the fucking part, but they, they push for me. I love that. I love that. That's the same thing when he has his guys. They take care of it, which I love. So what's up, Taryn? You're going to say something to me and my friend Andrew who are in with

the Apalzel boys. Oh, that's fine. I was just cast as Robin in the new Batman. So what? So there you go. How are they going to fit? It's gonna be weird. They're going with the Reimagining the character as a big, Lanky, unethical sidekick. You could play Bane when they, when they deep. Okay.

Oh, you went home for a Bane reference in the comic book. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because I know that I know that Dan knows comic books I didn't really he was gonna fucking nail me Steely eyes he went got you and I went I'm out with the pain. What do you got? You better go Tom Hardy-Bain or I'll eat you lot. Make sure you fall all these motherfuckers on Twitter. Go to our shows. Let us know where you are.

You heard them on the YKWD. Spread the word. We got stickers, posters, a bunch of shit coming out in November. For that big show, I'm going to announce next week. I'll tell you who the special guest is. One of them. We got all this great shit coming down. We're going to be adding video that's going be every week on the show, on you stream. That's coming too. All thanks to the fans for donating.

So keep those donations coming. Keep supporting our fucking sponsors. I really want you to support HuluPlusTweak.io.com, buy your headphones, order, get your free week at HuluPlus.com. Make sure you support draft kings, that's draft kings, and also, what's that? Endsite. Endsite.

Make sure you support our sponsors, amazon.com, you guys are the best, thanks for listening, and this is a two hours and 24 minutes of fucking bullshit you just listened to. So thank us, we hope you enjoyed your cube, your car, your truck, your fucking shitty desk that you sat at all day, or the dumb train ride, or the ride to work. We hope we made it a little bit easier. Listen to us bullshit about sucking dick, some comedy, and busting I can start, I can stick, stick, you know what needy I'm stuck, stuck in the bottom, I'm stuck a fox, I'm just a fox You know we're here We really did, really really We really did, really

You know we're here I'm just a fox, I'm just a fox Don't stop filming my face You know we're here I'm just a fox, I'm just a fox Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face. Don't stop filming my face.