Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Life Goals

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

Greg Stone and Chris Cotton are in with Bobby to open up about trying new things! What should go inside you, how not to use an inhaler and how should GoT have ended! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network Riotcast.com Welcome to the funniest podcast on the Planet Earth. This is going to be a clash to fire. It's podcast, it's no rules. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a microphone? No, that's so far. That was trying to keep it like a comic.

I have a bunch? Oh, that's a fuck! That was trying to keep it like a comic-cancant. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down and yapping sometimes. It's hilarious, sometimes it's 10-no-topics, no directions. I love doing it. Play both sides of the coin! That's how it all holds her. That's how you motherfuckers want her to do it.

My podcast is popular enough where I might affect somebody's life. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on lightcast.com. So fun. All right, we are live from the Ryan Castudio's dried about the comedy seller in the West Village. It is a rock in Tuesday night and rainy night. It's going to rain. Yeah, be give a strafficking, please. Fuck it. Hey, stay out the BQE. There's a dead stripper. So that was a wow screeching. My was a choice screeching.

Hulk's Michael. Did you shave? Yeah. Good. When you shave, you look dead. Did you know that? What's going on for anyway? It's.

We're back. I'm back. We got a great show for you tonight. We have the great Greg Stone is back on who's fucking always hilarious. And then we have Chris cotton who hasn't been on a long time. He's bringing up a little discussion? Yeah, what might be the coffee though? All right, go see if it's coffee. It could be either or. Fuck you in your common sense.

And your common sense. Comedy camp is common fast. Yeah. It's Monday. It's Monday and it's cold out. So it's going gonna be okay for me because I have a fucking 20 below sleeping bag. I like how you don't think that I'm gonna bring a blanket,

even though you call me every day to tell me to bring a blanket. Well, because I don't want, Mike, do you have blankets? You have underwear? I mean, what are you gonna use, dude? I'll figure it out, let's see what happens. Dude, there's nothing, you listen. You can't figure it out out there, bro. You can't be out in the middle of the night.

It's three in the morning, freezing in a fucking tent. Oh, I know. I mean, we'll talk after the show. We'll go after. Well, what the fuck are we talking about? I'm telling you right now, to get a fucking blanket. It's on the show banter. What?

It's on the show banter. What? It's on the show banter. What's that? Banter? Keep stopping every time we try to have it. What? What's going on? Hello. I'm being attacked by millennials right now.

I'm the only millennial in the room. I'm a fucking millennial. Dude, you're not a mere fucking man. You're a fucking man. You're a merchant marine. You can be both. You can't be both. You can't be both. You can't be both.

You can't be both. No, you can't. You can't be a millennial in a merchant marine. Yes, you can. No, you can't. You can't stop existing. That's a huge thing in science. Great.

So yes, we have to make sure that everybody has blankets and tents and everything they fucking need. Let's cut it all up with Ian. No, be warm. Is he in common? He said he was. Is he? He doesn't listen. Yeah, we'm gonna look at you and I'll be warm. Is he in common? He said he was. Is he? He doesn't listen. Yeah, we got to make sure these fine. You need a blanket in a pillow and a sleeping pad.

You just need that. Right. That 10 person tent. Everybody can sleep in and everybody can curl up and fart and in there. Are you bringing a tent? Yeah, I have my own tent. Good for you. Um, I would never do that. Look at me. I would never do that. All right. I Greg, come on in. The fuck. I just go shit. Please do me a favor. Just just, huh? Not here. I keep it nice. You know what I'm saying, right?

I don't make a channel. Do like a gentleman's shit. Who shit's at nine? What's up? Oh, we'll talk. Who shit's at nine p.m.? That's some weird shitting word I don't know. Schedule? Thank you. Schedule.

Schedule? I like schedule and aluminum. Okay, it's Yiddish. No, it's not. Schedule's not, that's the way fucking European say it. Schedule. Is's Yiddish. No, it's not. Shadjul's not, that's the way fucking European said. Yeah. Shadjul. Is that Yiddish?

No. Oh, shut up. Fucking, I'm all nervous about being called a racist. I'm sorry, is that that I offend you? Has a woman in a Jew? Oh, woman in a Jew. Um, so yeah, listen, you gotta stop person you're lips and you dumb fucking Instagram.

I can't help it. Yeah, you can, don't let them. No. Don't let them. What then they would crack and die? No, well, don't, your lips and you dumb fucking Instagram. I can't help it. Yeah, you can. Don't let them. No. Don't let them. What then they would crack and die? No, well, don't do a dry lip to Instagram. Stop wetting your lips so much. No, you're so glow lips.

So glow. No, that was right. Dude, don't ever shave because now you look like a frog. I want to give you a max. Max, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I Stuck but don't put it on and you fuck you put it on and then you Well, and you know you barely move your mouth so you fucking little lips of purse. That's how I talk now I'm looking at you now. I don't talk different on it. I just talk different stop it stop it stop it Stop it. Absolutely. No, maybe I don't want you to stop it. Maybe that's what I'm doing Okay, little sassy asshole. Maybe I'm tricking you. So do it. Actually, I want you to do it. Okay.

Ugh. Um, please go to Gabby's Instagram and just look at her. At Gabby's Brian. Oh, of course. Of course. You love your fucking Instagram. You just plugged it. You're not Facebook, do you?

Yeah, but I don't use it. You don't have Twitter. No, you're not on Twitter. Nope. Why are you not on Twitter? Because I don't want 16 apps. You want one app. I want to go on one app every day and then nothing else. You know what? I feel the same way. It's so why do people have so many different things? Well,

people go on Twitter to bitch and fight with each other. That's what it's for Mike has a really funny Twitter. I will say, but I go on there and I exclusively talk about sucking my own dick. That's what I do on there. I'm sorry. What? Why? Why are we? I'm trying to have a serious conversation about social media and

meet in the algorithms of the youth of today. And you got to bring it to second deck. I think Twitter sucking my own dick. Sorry. That's specific, which is different. Do you suck your own dick? No, come on. You know, I can't bend that well.

I want to ask you question. Have you ever tried to suck your own dick? Of course. You have. Have you ever gotten it in your mouth? No. Look at me. No, I've never bend that well. I want to ask you question, have you ever tried to suck your own dick? Of course you have. Have you ever gotten it in your mouth? No, look at me. No, I've never gotten it. Look at me and don't look away.

Listen, if I could get it in my mouth, I would not be here right now. But, okay, look at me and don't look away. Yeah, look don't look away. Have you ever sucked your, have you ever got a piece of your dick in your mouth? No, never. You're lying.

What? It would be a compliment if I could do that. I did it. You did. Yeah. How? When? A long time ago. There's a long time ago. I ever killed myself doing it three, four weeks ago. I got the head in. I literally just kissed my, my peel like this. There's like two lips kissing. There's a little seam in the cat acted us together. It's like a love movie. And then there's a little seam in the cat I acted us together. It's like a love movie

Makes me want to go myself does it. Yeah, I'll keep talking then Fagging cock saga the on Instagram right now we have the food rules chill me and Mike Finney and Gabby was in it and Ian was in it and Mike was a fucking PA sound guy whatever the fucking what do they call them? What was he? Sound guy. Yeah, sound guy, fucking kick it ass. Food rules, it's up there right now. So go check it out. Now this is a weird thing. You know, these doubt, we were getting, I was getting 70,000 views on my stand up videos. And out of nowhere, it dropped the fuck off. We were going 60, 70, 80, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing.

I was like, wow, we're on something because it went from like five or whatever. Who's that? Who just lets people to fuck up? Audience members. Well, fucking take care of them. There's a guy I don't know staring in. I can be getting murdered.

Who does that? Now, you can let him don't know staring in. I can be getting murdered. Who does that? Now you can let him in, let him in. Come on him. I'm not kidding, they watch the show. They know who I am, they know him, it's like a path. I fell, so he don't, he's fucking tout him I'm kidding. Well, you gotta, you gotta Gabby, you can't just let fucking read him, make sure you ask the,

what are you called again? The producer? I don't know what I'm called. Producer, guess the booker of the show, and the producer. You can't just let, look at those. He's fucking murdered somebody. He's fucking choked a couple hookers.

Probably a couple. Yeah, and you just let him walk up, you know? They're two minutes early. Two minutes early. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, she always doesn't excuse. Gucks, I fuck, I'm never win, I'm never win. Now.

Oh, I wish we could hit women. I'm kidding, I don't win. I'll never win. Now. I wish we could hit women. I'm kidding. I don't know. I said to cut that out. It's a life. What? It's live. I'm kidding. I'm just a joke. Don't cut it out. I know. That's why I said it, Michael. Yeah. Because I was serious right there. Oh, now you're now you're doing what I did to you. All day because I'm serious. Are you serious now? I'm serious, I'm kidding. Anyways, welcome to the show, big boys. Are you from a certain town? Long Island. Long Island.

OK, thanks for making the trip through the fucking 495. What a shit hole that is. What do you guys do? I actually work for a CBD company. CBD? No shit, I'm thinking of investing in one. Well, I got a bunch of products. You're a a mic. Oh really? Where do you have them? I'm looking you have no you have a backpack Oh, you do you have a menu pocket? Oh

Gifts oh god Gabby wants some Gabby cartridge. Oh my god. You look at daddy. Oh my gosh look at get all Oh my God. You're getting. Oh my gosh. Look at get. Oh, what's that? Oh, I like that. Sublingual CBD.

Now, let me ask you a question. Let me. Let me. Let me. It's what? CBD Scrip is the brand. We use the microphone. We're a podcast.

We need a script is the brand. Yeah. You got me from. Yes. Yeah. Take the microphone out. You can. Yeah.

Yeah. So we can hear you. Well, let me ask you a question about this stuff, this CBD oil. He is taking a massive shit. He's been in there for 15 minutes. He's just shitting his brains out. Greg Stone is in there just losing everything out of his asshole. And that bathroom can't handle a lot of shit.

They can't. There's no soap in there. Yeah. So no, when he comes out, you know, wash his hands. I have like bad knees and shit. What's the cream you rub on your knees that helps that? Yeah, we have a CBD topical massage oil. Yeah, we're actually just coming out with the cream right now.

No shit. I use the cream when I broke my foot. Yeah, it works. It works. It works wonders. Yeah, it's like Ben gay, but better. You say, Ben gay and he fucking, it's like a command to him like a fucking last app. So I bang.

So, wow, this is great. What is now these are gummies now this has THC on them. No, THD, THC free 100% THC free. So I can take these being a recovering alcohol drug addict and I'm not, I'm not losing my sobriety. Correct. Okay. And what is it?

What's whoever? What is this going to do forety. Correct. Okay. And what is it? What's whoever? What is this going to do for me? Relax. Okay. Here's a deal. I took the gum. Eat the whole pack.

No, just one gum pack. One gummy at a time. 25 milligrams of CBD per gummy. Yeah, yeah. Eat the whole pack. I make them myself actually. Okay. You make these in your house.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no All right, you have a laboratory? Oh, yes we do. Is it a fucking laboratory? It is a laboratory. Okay. Hello. Chris Cotton's here. What's up buddy? How are you? I just walked up the steps. You don't hit me half right there.

I just said how you doing. You can nod, Chubby. There you go. Now I've taken these before. I've taken the oil, but I seem to, these seem to work better. Why? I would say that it absorbs through the my stomach. Don't fight me in your stomach. Why? It absorbs through the

Michael, the lining in your stomach. What? The lining in your stomach. So this is better. It depends. So some people prefer the sublingual because that's all natural.

What do you call me? All natural. That's what I call a sublingual. What's that? sublingual. I mean, it goes underneath the tongue. Okay. And then you just leave it there for about 20 seconds. It gets absorbed underneath the tongue. Yeah. And then that's it. You swallow the rest. Okay. And then you just leave it there for about 20 seconds. It gets absorbed

underneath the tongue. Yeah. And then that's it. You swallow the rest of it. I find it to get the word. I find that to be a pain in the ass for me. Yeah. So you can just eat the gummies or we also have a water soluble one where you can put it in any drink. Yeah. Water coffee, tea, milk, anything. And you don't even taste it. Everything's full spectrum also, if you don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. Full spectrum. Is that when you open a vagina? Big.

No, the way that turpings, full spectrum, turpings, what's that mean? Oh, turpings are crazy. What is that? Turpings aren't everything. Everything. I will basically all plant life. Okay.

Okay. So you know, in lines lines how they have properties for anti-inflammatory. I don't. Okay. Well, I'm sorry, anti-inflammatory. Okay. And that's because of the terpene lemonyne. Yeah.

Okay. So that is one of the terpene that are in this blend. Yeah. This is our proprietary blend. Terpene's full spectrum means that it has some terpenes from everything in the spectrum. So now, but this is the problem with these is that the liquid you got here, okay, the you put on your tongue seems expensive, but it lasts longer. These are expensive and they go quicker, so this is a cheaper way to go.

Not really. We also have a larger pack of those gummies as well for a little bit cheaper. Really? Yep. Okay. A hundred dollars get you a 40 gummies, 25 milligrams of CBD per gummies. So that's 40 days of gummies and that's a hundred dollars? Yep. So it's a hundred dollars a month?

Essentially, yes. Essentially. Yeah. Is that your scientific words? We also have the nighttime gummies which have meltonin, which is great. Go fuck yourself, really? Any of you have them here? Right there on the table for you, Bob.

Oh, no shit. The purple ones. Oh, the purple one. That's my favorite color. Purple and green. It really is. Purple's my favorite color. Cause I love prints.

How? Is that Michael Jackson? I like this. What is it called again? CBD script. CBD script. All right, dude. I'm going to try these. I just had Heather, a big fan of the show sent me CBD oil and I've been trying to use it.

ours is better. Why? Why do you think everybody says that though? I don't know what brand it is. I'm just, I'm obviously just being by. I'm just kidding. I love her. I'm just being biased. I'm just, I'm obviously just being by. I'm just podcasting. I love her. We love. I'm just being biased.

I'm just so is it better or is it? Well, I know what ours is and I know ours is pure CBD. Right. You know, so other companies I can't speak for. I don't know which one she's sent to it, right? Right. Okay. Some companies you got to be wary of.

Okay. Well, no, it was a legit company and it was good stuff. But it's hard and there was a company that worked with Lewis before. Yes. Yes. The one that's working with them for Skankfest. Yes. Good guy. Sent me a bunch of shit, but I just didn't know what the fuck I was doing and dropping that shit onto my tongue. I feel like I feel weird. I feel weird sitting there and, you know, how long do I leave it?

You know, some of the phone rings, I can't answer it. I'm hungry and you know what I mean? I mean, it got me, I took the gummy bears and I was like, fucking, that's my speed. He's a better than those. Really? These are handmade with love by me. Now you're getting creepy. Now you're getting creepy.

They're amazing. Fucking dripping hook of blood in each one. Just squeezing your finger over the fucking hello. Well, dude, thank you very much for that. I will check these out and Gabby wants some. What do you want, Gabby thank you very much for that. I will check these out. And Gabby wants, what do you want, Gabby? I know you want something. I want that. You want that? Yeah. All right, you can have that, Gabby. Mike, what do you want? Thanks. All right. Well, somebody has this shit together. Gabby's still trying to fill a hole

from her childhood. Give me, give me, give me, I didn't get enough. My combination of words I got to say to get. It's a combination of words. Yeah, that I could say yes, it'll get me some free weed. What is those words? You are free weed. Is that weed? We're not all weed.

It's CBD. Oh, and the combination is all suck your dick. What? To that no. Exactly. It's just turned everybody to room on. Everybody was like, say it again. I'm in hate you, say it to you.

He pretended he didn't hear you, just say it again. My face became ripped like me. Oh shit. How did you match that flannel with a hat? I tried to look nice for you. We got that color. That color is so. So obtuse. I just thought we got that color. That color is great. So anything, man.

So obtuse. That hat manages. Why are you wearing the hat on a compliment? I don't know if it matches. It compliments. Thanks. All right, well, I'll fucking give it up to the black dude. I don't fucking, I don't look at my sneakers and my shirt before I leave the house.

I mean, you should. Why? Can you see your sneakers once you put your shirt on? I can see my sneakers, not my penis. That's all. That's fat on fat crime. That's all. That's all.

That's all. I lay on a bed and kick my feet like a baby. He's like, no, I'm a sneaker. I'm actually getting very flexible. Ooh. I am, I've been going to a trainer. I felt so bad. I went to the trainer last week. first time beat the shit out of me.

Fucking great. And then he did the massage on me. You know where they lie you down? And they just, you just look like a fat fuck. All these other shri- And I go at nine o'clock with all- A lot of people in the world go from eight to ten. And there's just dumpy bob with a fucking,

trying not to do this too high. So my stomach doesn't stick out of my shirt. And then I'm just on that getting rubbed down by an insanely in shape guys. It's just fucking bringing my legs over and my she's fucking me on a soft table and just in front of everybody. You ever have that when you wear a shirt

that you just kind of got too big for and you're on stage and you're like, I can't do act outs now. I can't do act outs, so my stomach's coming out. I tell you that's a whole other bit. Louis CK helped me out with that. He told me get the talls. Get the 2T.

Oh, I didn't get the 2T. Oh, the 2 is always an option, bro. Oh, fat guys have options on options, really? Oh yeah, dude. I got always belt shirts. I got fucking 2T. So I can lift my shirt up. Oh, fat guys have options on options. Really? Oh, yeah, dude. I got always I got I got fucking 2T so it I can lift my shirt up look nothing. Yeah, and I got the fucking stretchy pants from that. That's the best stretchy pants. Put some more to just stretch it. I was too a couple hundred more of those you want to get the shirts. That's

fucking hard. Shit. Fucking reps some CB Mike. We put some CB D oil on my ass. Hold it right now. Put it up. I, um, yeah dude. So he was, uh, he was training me and I felt so good. And the next day we shot that pizza sketch that we did.

And I ate four Joe's pizzas. I rolled out of control for the week. I literally got to Rochester and just fucking went, I go, he goes, you want to get some food? I go, where's ramen? I get ramen. Just my ankles were swollen for two days. Yeah. Just fire.

I was on stage like this. Fucking nightmare. You know, you're so fat, you get the dirt line. I don't know when that dirt comes from. It's actually a sign of pre-diabetes. That is legitimately the darkness around the neck. That's a sign of pre-diabetes. It's legitimately the darkness around the neck. That's a sign of pre-diabetes. If you watch yourself, you're good.

But if it doesn't, you're watching off, you just dirty, watch you wanna go. You wanna be just dirty. Well, you get like a hundred skin tags on your neck. It's just sugar trying to squeeze out of your neck. Oh, let me ask question about CBD. If you'd dick smelled like a fucking pond, would that help it? I don't know.

Okay. I don't understand CBD. What is it, dude? It's like, it's like, it's like, micolo, bulture, with like no alcohol. But we have an expert here from, what's your name again? My name's Nick and I'm from CBDScript. CBDScript right here, I'm gonna show you that. You wanna hold it?

You know what I mean? You wanna hold it? You know me at the end. Well, hold it. Don't take any out. I want to fucking have some. Oh, they look pretty, man. Yeah, they go. Pally, he brought me fucking four of them. So please, yeah. Right. Should we make you not high? They don't make you high. They just relax you. They calm you down. They were leaving Zidey. Is it a placebo though? Is some of it a placebo?

Nope. We can't say it is. I? Is some of it a placebo? Nope. We can't say it is. I know we can't, but maybe he could. Maybe he could just say. He could. I mean, anything could be a placebo effect on him. So he just isolated the effect that you have after you jerk off?

I'm going to be the same with IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. IZ. I've let it shame. Okay, I can't look at that mirror.

What do you jerk it off to that you feel relaxed? I have to relax. I have to hurry up and delete my fucking cat day. Fucking my son grabs my iPad and sees two fucking chicks with dicks. My biggest fear is my wife typing in Sheridan Hotel. Any of my computers. SHWATAL! Oh, dude, fuck that. Tell any of my computers Dude fuck that

Why do I love jigsman's Curse that does that can I take that and take that out of my life? I'm getting to the point where I don't like big digs I like little ones. Consumable club. That makes you big. Yeah. That's too much for me. Let's be realistic. Um, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I, I mean, I, you know, look at me.

And I think the oldie get the gay again. My rule is, my rule is every woman with a dildo should smell it. If you're married to a man, smell you a dildo before you use it. I think we're all tempted to have Marker sign up and ladies at home, this is a smell you dildo. If you're married, if you're married, smell you a dildo. It smells like what you had for dinner two nights ago. Might wanna wash that fucking cup game. Check your fucking queen of a husband out.

Put a nanny cam on that fucking queen when you go out with the kid. Now see hope for this one. It's fucking suck she coming that to the tub wall. Oh boy, my wife does listen to this one. Her friends listen to the shinto. Hey, good bye. He was smelling your deal, Dosed. I got to be cool. No, it's time to take these Dildos on at the studio, but I know somebody like, hey, where

did Dildos go? Oh, fuck it. Why not? They fall out of my jacket on the way down the stairs. Everyone does what? Everyone does dildos except straight men. Okay, hang on one second. Hang on one second.

Yeah, yeah. You've never put something in your bum? No, no, no. I am pro putting something in your bum. I'll get everything. I'm like a goddamn marsupial I'll put I don't want to have him put just a bit of an earth of it. I think I'm only one who hasn't put anything hang on one second Yeah, wait a what this explains the matching

I'm not gay. I just don't I got to an age where I stopped closing doors I started opening your ass Dores let everything in, let it all in. I wouldn't you. You such good guys. I got you an age. Yeah. Why would you stick something up your ass?

Game end to it, let's be instant do it. Straight men don't do it. I mean, you say that so matter of fact. I don't know what they're in there. Yeah, why? Because we've been ingrained to believe it's a fucking awful. You will not talk you way out of this one.

I mean, I take man, you're going to an ice cream store and you're not trying all the flavors. I don't know. I don't like going to the chocolate. I don't like, I'm open to all the flavors. I don't know. I got to take one of these. I got to take one of these.

I don't like your hands hold. That's what I work. I'm taking the purple one. Those are nighttime ones. Oh, don't take that. I'll be just asleep. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me.

I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll be asleep with the dildo on me. I'll me sir. I must have fell on this. Oh my wife, she's a fucking hoot. She put a dildo on the seat again. Not wow. Jesus, she's kind of a fucking...

I'm a bit of funny if I passed out halfway through the show, you guys kept going. I just put shit on my head. Put the dildos on my mouth. Oh. You know what, dildos in my mouth. Oh. You know what, Dildos in my ass, Dildos, and I got a hemorrhoid I play with. Wait, is that a real thing? What?

I'd have heard it before that boy did it. You just put it up a new level for me. Well, here's the thing, when you get hemorrhoids and I've had them, and I, uh, every once in a while, I don't have them as bad as Ari Shaffir. Mm-hmm. Ari had them. Oh my gutty. It was at my house and his ass. I was just bleeding. Like he was just wiping his ass and it was, it looked like you got shot. I'm like, did you just do a drug deal down the street? Why did you have to, and what do you think of this is a rake of island? What do you do?

Well, they bleed, you know, hemorrhage he'll break open or something. Yeah. And it actually after I bust this balls about that, it happened to me a little bit. And I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was crying. Because I'm not gonna tell my wife. I'm not gonna honey come here. And I'm just trying to, oh, I'm fucking packing bags and packing,

max out of the house. Mom, I don't want to, fucking her packing bags, and packing max out of the house. Mom, I don't wanna, I love daddy. Daddy's bleeding. So I, yeah, I had a hemorrhoid. I take care of my used tux, I take care of my asshole. Yeah, got it. Fuckin' take care of my asshole now, because having a hemorrhoid sucks,

and I used to sleep itch. You sleep itch butthole? Well, dude, it was bad too. Cause you sleep in and your butt itches from the hemorrhoid and you wind up just itching your asshole, right? Cause it feels good. That's okay. Dude, that's a good idea.

No, that feels great. You know, that's what's feeling, the butthole feeling. You see me, you're not gonna stop. The butthole which you feel it, that's the feeling. Yeah, dude. But that's a hemorrhoid. When your asshole it feeling. You see me. Stop. The butthole which you feel in. It's confeling. Yeah, but that's a hemorrhide when you ask whole itches. Really? Buddy. That's not to the itch.

Yes. No, the assholes, the pleasure center. No, you have a dirty asshole. I'm pretty sure at the time when it was itching, it was a dirty asshole. I know that for a fact. Right. So you itching your asshole, right? What happened?

Oh, there she is. What's up, Freddie? So yeah, it's it's it's it's it's probably a hemorrhide if it's itching. You What happened? Oh, there she is, what's up, sweetie? So yeah, it's, but it's probably a hammer, if it's itching, you have any jasso? Oh, no, it's not injured, I'm just playing around over there. That's what you're talking about. Well, I told the pleasure of the whole. Is your jasso moist?

This is shit. It's always moist. What the fuck? You got to wet, we all got wet butts. I know right now. You're putting it right now, you're not gonna drive but now. I do give mud butt, I give you mud butt. Get me an napkin.

Get me an napkin. What's your one? Get me right now, get had a drive button. I do give mud, but I give him a napkin. Get me an napkin. What you want to say? Bet me right now. Get me an napkin. I don't want to be in this red. Just get me a paper towel. Wait, no. How much do you want to bet me?

I'm so close. I mean, I don't want to bet. I'm so close. This is the worst bet. I know I did that. I know I did that. Yeah, you're fucking it. It's 90s baby.

I was kidding. I was kidding. You smell it? Draw. Try it. I've never seen anything dry. It's a mole. And there was no risk there. I You smell it I mean Nothing I didn't even hesitate to use my church napkins that was in my pocket. I know. Church napkins. Church napkins. You can't claim a church napkin.

That's a holy thing. I mean, that's a whole new thing. Whenever you go to church, somebody, you didn't make a napkin. Because always you've bought up awful napkins. You're acting like that's a more special napkin. Oh, it's a blast napkin. That's right. The priest isn't just going there, but we're like the napkins, the chairs, the sneakers,

the money. Guys, the napkin. Yeah. You know, I just took a napkin out of his pocket. Yeah. And we stuck it in my ass. I'm going to give you a boy's. That's a definitely of you.

You see it was a chicken napkin. No, Jesus, that just got racist, but it was a church napkin. Church's chicken is a place where we're talking about regular churches. Oh, bless you. I am fucking sorry. What an asshole. What an asshole you have. Have we started yet?

Yeah. Oh, nice. Have we started? Yeah, no, I just let all that go. Yeah, I just shits and giggles. Hey, guys, what do you think it came with thrones? I really think it's a fucking chain. Yeah, dude, your asshole.

So, so you put, let me just get distracted. Sure, yeah. Cause this is fascinating to me. I love when guys, you know, cause you're straight. You have a girlfriend, right? Yeah, a wife. You have a wife. Now here's the trick.

Does your wife know how you like your asshole pleasure? No, I think she knows, but I think it's one of those things she just like, top her changes the subject every time it's mentioned. So wait a minute. She ashamed of your asshole play. Wait a minute. So when do you bring it up? I mean, when is it major?

Always. Mid-Rex. That's your day. Speaking of this rose speed. Talk about his move. Let me tell you something. This me love is, do I tell you, I play with my hands? Listen, dude.

So you play with your asshole. Do you put stuff in it? Like, do I tell you, I played with my hands. Listen dude, so you play with your asshole, do you put stuff in it, like what stuff? Oh, how are you on the road? You're on the road, the road is hard. You find the Spencer's. Oh yeah, Spencer's. Yeah, I was like, I would say like the, well the first time I did it was,

I was in a sketch group, we were doing sketches, we bought a dildo for the sketch, and I was like, you went dildo, I think. Dildo, I think, you went deal though. I was it was 12 inch double sided black because you know, I'm progressive. And so we bought it. We bought the deal that we do the sketch. Nobody laughs. Yeah.

Put the deal on my bag. My best friend goes, so you're taking that thing home. Yeah. And I was like, I mean, why wouldn't I pay for it? Why wouldn't I take it home? And he, he looks at me and he goes, two weeks. I give you two weeks before you shove that thing up your ass. Right.

And I went, I'm not gonna do that. Why would I do that? I'm not gonna do that. And then I, two weeks later, I'm looking at the thing and I'm like, why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I? I'm so sorry. That's it.

And I took it back, I go, you got some shit. Because I kind of did that thing. I was like, who'd gay guys, straight women, lesbians, everyone's doing it straight, men aren't. It's because we got late in homophobia. And if I'm gonna defeat homophobia, I gotta get this baby. I might be the homo.

I gotta say the horror. Yeah, I need more problems on a daily basis. You know what I mean? If you suffer for more discrimination on a daily basis, stick your stuff and be ass like the last thing on your list of defeat. You know what I mean? Like, I'm worried about a cop looking at me too aggressive,

but you like, I should stick that in my ass. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I for a second. This is not gay. It's not gay because you're

a married, this is something else. This is enjoys. Like I said, I don't want to do a bit better, but the whole thing is getting some of your ass doesn't make you gay. It's like, that's just a great thing to do. It's like, it doesn't. I'm not gonna stick something up my ass and be like, Oh, no, I'm attracted to you emotionally. Like, that's not gonna happen. But people, okay. Here's the question I'm gonna ask you. I'm gonna want you to answer me, honestly.

Of course. Okay, I know you will. And I just rub my nose with the hand I stuck in my ass. That's fun. Yeah, I'm in the life of a day and I wait. I'm in the life of a man. I'm in the life of a man. I wait there. They can ask them, I am a fucking... There's been no change.

First of all, when I did that, I was rolling the dice. I was kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm a shower. I think you rubbed your butt cheek. I think you never heard this crack. I stuck it in there. I think you never went in the crack. Did you go in the crack? I wasn't like that. But I just did it. I checked it wasn't in the crack. I swear to God. Did you hit the hole?

I mean, wife. I hit the hole. That wasn't a grandson move, bro. I would never do that. I wouldn't risk my family life for it. My wife would be dead. Dead my cat strangled. Right in front of me.

Can you check it ass hold it? I would just start sweating bullets. No. Imagine you had to check your ass until before you went to work. Like you had to take a baby weapon, just like your resident wasn't there and you had to go home.

Poor. I would be on the streets right now. For more teachers, teachers, you're the students. Just like when you get dirty butt, all you got to go home. Just about to hot chicks going back home. We go, Kathy, I'll get a home. Just about to hot chicks going back home. We go, Kathy, I gotta go home. I said I'm a Michael S.

That's that. He fucking did me in the butt that I'm showering. So all right, so here's a deal. I want to ask you this question. I want you to be honest with me. So you have no problem saying that you stuck a double sided dildo in your asshole. Yeah, okay.

Actually, that one I didn't get in, it was too big. So I had to then later purchase a smaller dildo. Okay, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have to use the info. Yeah, don't, don't bury the lead. We're gonna, we're gonna talk about this. Sure, sure, sure. So because now I have,

I have questions. I want, did you have, now you had to go by lube? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, with the double sided, I didn't use lube. I didn't know was a thing. I didn't know a double sided black dildo. Yes. The black mom buys that back. You were just going to stick into your little virgin butthole. Yeah, it was like trying to take a cucumber in your belly button. There was all resistance. Cucumber's fitting my belly button. I have a hernia belly button. You're nuts. Like you just read

that. But you had it. You had it. I mean, I ex. But you had a, you had a, you had a, I mean, I, I try, I mean, I, I set up my room. I put like garbage bags down. I had to stop. I was like, I'm America psycho. I didn't want to get it everywhere. I don't know what happens. Oh, you've done this.

We playing Bob Siger. I want to ask you this question, though. So, of course, I want to ask this question. This is fucking good. Goddamn, Greg. Goddamn want to ask this guy. This is fucking good. God damn Greg. God damn fucking stone. Listen, so, and the answer to me honestly, now you put in this thing, your bum bum. Now before you put in a bum bum, you put it in your mouth.

Oh wow. Okay. Here's a thing. Be honest. Good news back in your situation. Yes. Right. The first time I used no lubrication didn't really work out. The second time, lubrication came with it.

Yep. Now I'll say this, I absolutely 100% would have put it in my mouth that it doesn't bother me at all. If you could, you lubed the thing up the way you got to lub it up. I don't give a shit. It also might be fun. Look at a round a little bit.

I don't care. I'll play with its balls. You get dildos or balls? I try. They're more expensive. You just get it. No, I I got well, here's the thing. Here's what you want to ball. No, here's what you want the balls one.

Because I, I don't know, I worked at an ER. I have seen people, they suck up and almost ended it's in there. You prefer it your colon. You don't want that shit. You want to fucking run your head for it. Yes, he knows. He knows. You want the ball.

I call the game for a year. Are you getting? No. Oh, you want the balls to keep it from going all knows you want the ball. I call the game for a year. I know. Oh, no. Oh, you want the balls to keep it from going all the way to the balls or a break. The balls of the break. Okay, let me ask you another question. Sure. So you never put one in your mouth. You never went. I didn't with this one. It was only. You've never taken one of these dildos. Yeah. And went, yeah, a little bit, a little bit.

No, but I'm sad that I didn't, because I would love to say yes. How many dildos do you now currently own? I own, oh, oh. Now, this is another question. No, no, no, no, no, it stops up. Before you went to that, when you were buying these dildos on the road, no dildos.

Did you use a fake mask like you know, my stand with the little fake deals. I see it right in her face. I see it right in her way. Hey, she would look like my home to ride her stuff. To head shut in the hotel. So you went in and bought these deal deals. Now, you had to throw these deal deals out

after you used them because you flew home with them. Oh no, it was a catacombs. I was in here, we can sun. Okay, so you just drove home with it. Yeah, no, it was a cake it. I was in here. He can son. Okay, so you just drove home with it Yeah, put it back now I do put the dildo back in my bag and put it in my over in my suitcase to fly What they can do pull out and embarrass me? I don't give a shit. So you take dildos on the I don't want to take it once. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I would take it every time you fly with

Like a fucking camera. Let me tell you something. they pull that dildo out. The unique sense of skin. Now I got a bit. You want the dildo bit? I'll take the dildo bit. I don't care to that bothers me. Yeah, but it's not about the dildo bit. You flew with the dildo to have the dildo to stick it in your bomb when you got there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love you so much. Yeah, why would I love you so much? Yeah. You are so fucking genuine. Listen to me, you fucking half a queen. I love you so much. Yeah. You are so fucking genuine. Listen to me. You fucking half a queen. I love you so much. So you fly with the dildos.

Fly with the dildos. Now, now, how many dildos this all on your back to Chris's question? How many dildos do you not you and your wife now come on? I know I need my wife. You never snuck in a collection. She's got a whole unlocking closet of pleasure. Do you ever get jealous of your till this? No, I'm not.

So the thing is, I have legitimately too, and this is where they go, I have a comedic deal, though, that we bought for jokes and bits that's too big, trying to stick it up, didn't work. And I have to lie. So it's not really comedic, it just was too big. Started as comedic.

Yeah. Try to become a regular life goals. Yeah, I tried to make it but now it's yes now it's the now it's the life goal. Yeah, now it's the fucking Sunday. You'll vote on the horizon. One more will steer. One day, one day, um, and I have the vibrating one, but I got what the second one I bought was a vibrating little little big show me like what do you call like like a like a like a one of those fun pencils to get as a kid. So it's not a

dildo with it's not a deal is a dildo with balls. No, no, it's a vibrator. The big black one has balls. It's a big black one has balls, but you can't use that one. It's too big. It's too big. But why would you need a stopper on that if it's too big? Well, you know, I thought I over I, you know, sometimes you look at a menu and you go, I can eat all that.

And then and I do take it home every time I do. I've never failed. I'm taking the balls off I'm gonna talk you back. Yeah. Yeah, but the vibrating one, and that's fun. It pulsates in a song. There's all different types of weird things. Oh, looks like a...

Yeah, yeah, looks like a... Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam scraper. Yeah, man, you stick a dick in your ass that has a Christmas these. What the fuck? Yeah, it's that I think it's simply the best. It's the phone number. Yeah, it's great, man. Fuck, Alpha on the shelf. You got dick in the butt. That's what you got.

Yeah, I don't get, yes, that guy looks exactly like me. Is that why you're doing that? That man on the screen looks exactly like me. I get it all the time I don't know if that's why you pulled him out. I just because you talk about it eating like eating too much Oh, wait too much yeah, and there's a huge pickle on his plate That one well that's the thing man get a dildo you should have it because I'm gonna take a why why tell me cuz in life one day you might just be real stone a real like you think I'm gonna try it and then what do you do you grab a household object and then you become like the people in the ER and now you got to go to a fucking hospital

Have a little bit like all my next question is so you stuck something in the high You took something in your house is stuck in your mom well, I was gonna go for it and that was too dangerous No, no, I sized some things up. I sized up the remote to the TV dangerous. Tell me what you did. No, no, I sized some things up. I sized up the remote to the TV. I was like, I was like, two square. But it has buttons. It's got a lot of things. He was staring at some freezer-burt Sherbert news. I would never ever go into your house. You sized it up. I didn't. I eyeballed it. You know, it's like, you know, when a wolf looks at different people, and you see some turkey bone, that's what I see, but with dildos. It's like this microphone, this water bottle.

Listen, what did you size up in your house? No, I mean, like truthfully, I want to be genuine with you. Please. The truth is that I didn't never say anything because I worked in a hospital and I saw people come in, I saw the bad of that. I've seen, Well, like, like, matchbox cars. In the hospital, we had a guy who came in with a light bulb and he had to go into,

we had to take him into the OR light bulb and he had to go into we had to take him into the OR because he were afraid it was going to it was a woman actually oh it was going to split my light bulb why you know here's the thing I said I don't get it but it's happening more than you think it's it's like a thing that people do light bulbs light bulbs is it a pussy get an idea yeah light bulbs we had a That's like the, that's one of the clothes in my house. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Yeah, light bulbs, we had a, I had a Doritos bag, that was a woman, stuff a Doritos bag on one time, but that was the thing.

Was it, was it Ena Unnian? Huh? Where's the light bulb? Oh no, I think it, yeah, yeah. So that's a light bulb. That's a light bulb. Wow, light bulb. What is it?

Here's why I think a light bulb, because the beginning of it is kind of like a light. Why are you screaming at me? Because I love this topic. Very passionate. I say and then my headphones will allow the off. I can turn them up. Do you need them higher? Oh, I got it. I'll do it here. Yeah, please. I like to keep it low. So I'm screaming over everyone in the room. I like to know what else to be screaming. I stick stuck in my ass. All right, lightbulbs. Can I put bananas? Head and shoulders bottles.

Head and shoulders was a small head and shoulders bottle we had. Car, matchbox bar. You're gonna stick the car? Oh, really? No, no, no, these are the things that's on the high. I didn't do these just because I've seen the other. Yeah, they've seen Legos. Oh my God, you want a story?

I'm so sorry. No, I was an excellent real question. I'm so sorry. Legos? No, too small, you lose it. You. Yeah, they've seen Legos. Oh my God, you want a story. I'm so sorry. All right. No, I was an excellent real question. But no, no, no, too small. You lose it. You don't have to say Legos. I'm making a second out of it. That'd be a great way to go.

I had full. Let me great way to propose to a woman. I just leave the ring in her vagina. You just take an extra ever buzzing. I just want to do a ring on a string and put it in and then you know tied to a door like an old tooth. And you slam the door, the ring comes flying out. Yeah, marry me.

Also, in Clotora's gets hooked out of it. Comes off like Jimmy Fallon's finger. All right, so tell me, what are you gonna tell me? So this is a real fucking deal story that I don't know that it. Maybe some people, I may have told. I love the most alpha male assos from a long island came in today. I'm just talking about Do we go CBD with this fucking

You have a stick something your ass no comment So progressive I love the world we live in today I was thinking of something in your ass. No comment. Wow. Come on baby, that's it. That's it. So progressive. I love the world we live in today. Go ahead. Okay, so this is, I sort of got eighth grade. Eighth grade. I was with a girl and we were having sex.

Yes. Pregnancy scare. Whole thing. She was, she was like, she wanted something that she was like, stick something in my body, right? Yeah. Oh my God, I can't believe, I'm gonna take this out out loud. The only thing I had on me, my inhaler. Huh.

Yeah. Put the inhaler in. Yeah. She goes crazy. She goes, it sucks it in. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I held on to the very edge of it.

I'm holding on like, like a child falling off a cliff. I'm just like, hold on, baby. Hold on. It goes in. And we go. Oh my God. What are we going to do? And she's freaking out.

She's like, like, can she breathe another? She was like, she was like, she's starting. She's starting. She's not, she was a marathon runner after that. Never get tired. So we're like, I'm like, what do we do? She's like, I don't know. She's like, let me go in the bathroom and see if I can relax. She couldn't. And that's the

one. See that woman, the blue top third one. See that canister that goes in the top. It was just the canister. Oh my God. You was, you was, you was really risking it. Yo, we were in a great, we wouldn't know what the fuck was up. You're like, you're an entrepreneur. You're like, let me, I'll figure this out. Like, the Tony Stark of Sticky Shitty Abaudin. What the fuck? So we're like, okay, what we gonna do? She's like, I'm gonna try to realize, she's like, it wouldn't come out.

We waited like a half hour. She couldn't get it to come out. I'm like, all right, we have to go to the hospital. So we get on the bus. With it in her. With it in her, she's walking like a cowboy, you know? Yeah. We get on the bus. Now here's the thing with the emergency room. This is her she's walking like a cowboy you know like yeah here's the thing with the emergency room this is we I didn't have a car this

emergency room is the emergency room my mother worked she is working I knew my mom wasn't working but everyone there knows you and my mother so I'm like but I'm not like I'm like where we this I don't give a fuck we got to do this we got to get this out of the way now with her so we started like a boring I don't give a fuck, we gotta do this. We gotta get this out. We went in with her. So we started treating her like an abortion. I'll be out here when you need me, I'll be out of the tub. I got half the money. So, I'm gonna have this name on it.

They're gonna know what this is. No, I was like, man, she can't go through this alone. Like, I'll take this. You know what, everybody gotta do, you know what? It's a nice guy. But as soon as we get to the emergency room, I'm like, this is it. So I see the woman working triage was my childhood babysitter.

Like, I like, she had a fucking leg in her pussy from here. This is the, like, this woman knows my, it's like my best friend. I'm like, she then goes, hang on, let me go into the fucking bathroom. She goes into the bathroom. It comes out. Cindy sees me, she goes, hey, crack. And I went, oh, hey, she was like, what are you doing here? I was like, oh, it's a sign of my mom was a working.

She's not. We turned around, got back on the bus, went home. We're waiting, we're, I hope you, I'm gonna ask her to attack you, you gotta stick it in your mouth. Did you smell it? Once you gave it back to you, did you smell it? Did you smell it? You washed it right?

Yeah, with my tongue. That's freaky, though. I don't know that I've ever told anyone really, that's our story maybe, but yeah, I don't know that I know. We agree, you're a fucking freak, dude You're a freak flag the flying pretty fucking loud Why wouldn't you man? You know you know you know I have a wife that would divorce me if I she caught me Sticking her dildos in my ass all my son would cry To me to show that's what I. I can't listen to me.

My life, let me tell you something. My life catches me when I eat late at night. She only got a little more like a CSI FATO. She'll just come in and be like, you had pizza, you had fucking mac and cheese. I mean, how do you know? It's on your shirt. I thought that pizza pizza on the garbage.

I mean, yeah, never mind it, Dildo. She finds it Dildo and let me tell you something. If I was gonna go fuck it, I'm gonna start shitting my ass. Yeah, I'm fucking, now listen, listen now, listen now. Listen now, I mean, I've been in a couple stores on the road. You're like, yeah, maybe I take this and I toss it out, okay? But I just, she got some headline or money. I'm making future money. I can this and I toss it out. Yeah, but I just, see that's an headline or money, I'm making future money, I can't be throwing this shit out.

I can't remember that thing with me on every fucking plane. But here's a thing with that cut into the middle of the bottom. Here's the thing with sticking stuff in your ass. Look, you know, look, I'm the king of fucking get my butt lit. That was my thing back in the day. I've never had any girl that ever fucking dated me. You're eating my ass. You're eating my ass. Oh, you're eating my a

God bless and it was when my ass was nice. I would never do that to anybody now You got squeaky clean my ass my ass. Oh, yeah, squeaky clean But it still looks like an elephant's knee Nobody writes that down okay, don't we name it. I don't know Nobody writes that down. Okay. Don't name it. I don't know. Seth Burrell.

I think it's already an episode. Does elephant's name? All right. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen. Here's the problem.

Why don't you stick something that I like a little lickie, lickie. And I would like a little fingery fingering on the outside. Maybe a knuckle rub, right? But why don't you start putting stuff in your butt, you're gonna want more and more and more, right? I don't need that, I'm gonna, first of all, I'm gonna add it. Anybody who knows me, I just gotta dicked it to fucking like Casio and Seiko watches.

Because I really want a Rolex, and my wife won't let me get a Rolex right now, and I want a fucking Rolex. So bad. And I just, so I had to go to the next past vintage Casios Rolex and my wife won't let me get a Rolex right now and I want a fucking Rolex so bad and I just so I had to go to the next pass vintage Casios because they're cool and you can so I have fucking 20 of them now my wife's if I got it if I got into Dildos I'd have to get like a room like with a glass Dildo case Don't go in there It's like a lake in the door. You know, it's top dog going there. Come on, fucking Max.

Yeah, I got this world of Ecuador. Max has a dildo knife gun. Yeah, I don't need that shit in my life. Because you're going to want to start jamming more stuff. You're satisfied with the one dildo you're putting your butt. Well, there isn't anything this story. The story has a conclusion. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Your father beat you. No, I was, because I would just like try it every now and again. And it's only when I'm like, just fucking, I love that. That's a, that's a Diet Coke. Yeah. That's a plastic bottle. So you get the caps on that. You don't want the cap on that.

I think a lot of people are in there. And then you got to fucking get a set of search and rescue team after that. Come on. Yeah. So I was like, all right, so I thought we'd got to like two or three times. You know, two or like three times max. Last time I tried 90 times.

Two or a between. One time repeatedly for the course of a weekend. Do you know what I'm saying? Stop. Stop. I played a guy on TV that his rich lawyer guy that his family went away for the weekend, the first day I did my sticky coke butt with my ass.

And it got stuck and I had to have the EMTs come and take it out of my ass. What was it? Type that in. It was Tyree, a nice flip phone. Robert Kelly with Bottle stuck in his ass. And this poor actor just sit under a blanket staring at my asshole For like three hours. We shot this fucking thing. What's the answer really out?

No, I'm not Whoa, that me I'm mess it I would have had that on the way right out there and I had another way right out there and I was like, I see man episode. I was like, oh yeah, I was fucking taboos. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, no, it's okay. So I tried the other last time. Here's the thing, it's only fun when I'm stoned.

So I tried to do it when I wasn't stoned and I think I heard myself and I was like, well, this is the end of this. Like, I can't ask you, aren't you always stoned? No, no, I mean, I'm Greg's stoned. Yes, but I mean, it's too easy for me to go that way with my career. I'm like, I really should just be the high comedian, but so when you're high, you like to stick in and you're bummed and you're jerking off and pushing it in and out.

Yeah, yeah. Oh God. No, wait, do you not like things up your butt? I thought I was in company of friends. I'm sorry. Yeah, I thought I mean, I love the little one. He's a guy who enjoys life. company of friend. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I opened you up so much. I'm sorry. I'm not stupid enough to talk about it. I'm just living forever. Yeah, kids gonna hear this. Yeah, I'm gonna tell my kid. Bend over a kid. I'm gonna show him. Show me the way. I'll show him the way.

I'm gonna tell him Max going, hey, sissy boy, I'm gonna be I'm gonna 11 go fuck yourself. I've already done it now. You get home, you get home by 10 if you want to see a deal does again dad. Yeah, so we've regressed back. Now I'm going to find something new, you know. Yeah, but here's the thing. You get it. It's too much and you get used to it. And then you don't want to, it doesn't do it for you anymore.

Now you're going to do something else. Oh, or you go too hard and you go, this hurts. Did it hurt? It hurt real bad. I tried it. It went, it hurt too much. I went, oh, like, this wasn't, this wasn't, this isn't. Really?

It was fun. It's a good thing to try. You should try. What is the real question? Bob, I had a question. What if your wife wanted to stick some in the ass? I don't know what the blast, but what happened with the last one? Yeah, well, listen, step for the sun.

It came out like, I don't know why. Hey, Lamont. I don't know. I don't know. You're a white, you're a white. You're a white. You're talking like a video about a kimchi. No idea why I'm not.

It's very Italian. No, I mean, I didn't say this for a pocket, it's a little bit of a wife. I wanted to proud of somebody. What is this? I think it's called, what's it called? Pagging. Pagging.

My wife, if my, here's a thing, the answer is why I call it. I wouldn't let my wife peg me, but I would let like a chick, I was banging Pagging. Here's the reason why Here's why And if I'm if you know if you're fighting with your wife, she's just gonna at one point go If you're fighting with your wife, she's just gonna at one point go, and just smirk at you and be,

will you take it about when you fuck me in the ass? No, no, no, no, you are. You're fucking taking it about. No, you're a tough guy, do you think? I know, she's gonna show all of that over me. That's why you get a gun. What? I mean, no, I'm happy that you stay. I'm happy

that you're okay with that. And you should be okay. Sexually, you should do whatever the fuck you want. And the fact that people say you're this, you're that you're not. If you want to, you're gay, when you call yourself gay, that's when you're gay. The only reason I wouldn't let my wife fuck me in the ass is that I just don't know what she'd be doing back there She loses attention very quick. I turn around she'd be playing stoke She's just like she would not care about it. She wouldn't get into it. Yeah, she watching the goddamn jeopardy Riding Yeah, storing your just fucking, live storing your asshole.

Did you imagine that? Oh, God. I just got married and I just realized yeah, everyone on her side of the family is gonna hear this. Yeah. I don't care about my kids. I don't care the people in my family. But my God son, my nanny, this is,

well, good for God man, I'll talk to them. Yeah, you're gonna have to now Don't make it the Everybody come on in here today. Let's talk check your seats My nephew is a 10 now Naked my nephew's 10 now so I'm saying my nephew's 10 now so he's just come in this. I'm just like, my nephew's 10 now. So he's just coming to the age where he's gonna realize I'm a comedian

and start looking shit up. And then we're gonna have to talk. Get to the real deal. A comedian. I'm something. I don't know what it is. Oh, you know. Well, I mean, fuck it, man.

I mean, look, people used to give me shit because I like my butt legged. You know, I'll be like, dude, with the fog. It's yet to fuck up. I don't know. I was like, they buttlet. I'm just not a, I'm not a fan of stuff around my butt area. I just don't like, I feel like I'm asking this. I'm sorry. No, go ahead. You ever take a shit that's just like unbelievable? Yeah, and then you white band, and there's a great ass-wiping experience. Yeah. I think I just get real still murky. I'm not it's not a gay or straight thing.

I don't think it just I just don't want stuff. It's like I got some people like I just don't touch me there. Like you know you can touch a man with it. It's like they got smiles. It's like I'm not a fan of this stuff. But don't you see that as kind of like it's like a thing you don't get to experience. You know, it's like it's like it's like going to a piece of place and you don't like mushrooms. I don't suffer from fomo, my man.

I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna honestly I don't feel like I'm missing out. I'm gonna I've done a lot of stuff for my dick, bro I just been in a lot of places and stuff I tired of it not I tried I tried I couldn't have seen it before and not but I was I did join the circus first time I do a lot of shit

I'm trying with the bands, I think that that you know My dick did all the comedy festivals My one-man journey is to make every guy I know get something up the rest at some point in their life You know me I'm not a wife was like you know I really and I'm like eventually I'll bring because the wife The old you get the more you're not gonna do it Is that it because of David? You know what I mean?

You don't hit a fucking cancel up Sure I'll be a weird news Sticking your wife's still doing your ass And then you hit a cancel up and you die on the bed And just blood ripping out of your ass So you know, they find you, they come back from fucking, they come back from stop and shot.

And you just dead in the bed with mom's fucking dick in your ass. What happened here? He got out of control. He just has to make a belay. Some guy ripped from the, and cut his own dick off. That's funny, if there's like the crime scene, you die there just like clearly he was right I just never solved your murder cuz they can't get that's the fact that you stuck something up here

Yes, there was in trouble, but he's no sign of breaking That's why I'm looking for the advantage takes up a man some breaking my window for you The finger prints we found with his own It was a twin The only finger print we found was his own all over the You've been fucking himself. Just stick shit in your ass and be free. Well, guys who don't, who don't ever play with their butthole or never admit to it, I'm a Patrice admitted to fucking flipping his legs over his head. And he, I mean, just to picture that big guy, flipping his massive legs over his head, that poor girl having a lick his butthole. I mean, if he, you know,

if he did it, never had that done. What? Never had a butthole. You should do it now. I have no way to get it done. Your life has no way. There's no way. No, I can't. You take a shower. Yeah. For good one. Yeah. Take a good shower. Maybe fucking the shower. Yeah, and then how you just you put your leg up on some When she's blowing you right and what you do is you're gonna get a party past six things that are never gonna happen If it's cash involved I'm not sticking my tongue in there. You're out of your mind. My father would fucking murder you. That's what happened. Listen, here's what you dope. You gotta get ass radar. You gotta get asshole radar. So when they lick your dick, you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, and then they go to you nuts. Ooh, ooh, and then they go to add a little more. And then when they go back up,

just go. And then when they go back up to you, uh, and then make no noise, you have to make no noise. And it's like, so when you, they know when they get down to that butthole, yeah, that's when you And they fucking start digging in there It's been very close a lot of time right underneath but I Then I'm like, I don't want you in there. Yeah, I don't want them in there. I've had a couple girls do a bunch You know, I had a girl stick her fingers in my butt. And she got a little too aggressive.

She just started fucking jamming them up. Yeah, that's the problem. I'm not a slut. Yeah. No, I don't know, I get fucked here. I mean, she looked at her, she took a ring off. Yeah, she was like, what a good idea.

She was just like, yeah. Yeah. It looked like she was just having fun now. So, she was like, ah, she was laughing, I was like, hey, I have fucking dignity. Slow down. Take one finger out, not two. Who are you? I'm gonna stare you. Hashtag fucking me too. I can't really press an elevator button. I'm fucking bike. All right, Gabby, read that. I can't read, I don't have my glasses, where are they?

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And we're back. Now your butthole. Have you ever seen it? Me not really. Here's a way not to stick stuff in your ass. Take a video of your ass all. And take a video of you putting something in your ass. And then watch that video.

Watch that video. And you'll be like, yeah, I'm not going to do that again. Why would I want to stop doing it, though? Because you'd see what it really looks like. I'm going to go, I'm throwing up on a bucket. See, so in what an obstacle, please, like this year? First time I tried, I've been working up to it for a while. I would say the big deal, don't think happened about five years ago,

and the actual success of it was this year. So, you're going to, soon, you're going to, you know, you break the seal when you start first having sex. You got a year of trying to have sex, and then, next year's your year. That's when you're really going to get into the stuff. Can I say something?

You're not going to give it up. It's only going to get worse. You can't sexually sexual stuff. Once you want you to be on to a certain point, you can't click your heels and come home door. I think I think I think I think the peak was I got hurt. Now I think an injury you'll take you out of the game. What do you pull out of kill ease?

What'd you hurt? No, I stuck I stuck it in and it went into hard and I hurt myself. What happened? I went, ah, listen to the hurt. I know I tried again. I don't care. I'm not against it. Listen, this is what's happening now.

You realize your family's listening. You're trying to pull back on the speed because you went too fast. I'm not against it. Listen, this is what's happening now. You realize your family's listening. You're trying to pull back on the speed because you went too fast. You have a good time. Now you're gone. You want them to think it was a thing. It was a thing. That was a bit.

It was, you go to the bathroom and then you just start laughing as soon as you go. Doesn't this all reset after the commercial? I thought we reset it. No, I, it. Oh, I know, you know, I got to extract something out of somebody on somebody. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, do you ever, do you, do you like porn with the chick with a strap on?

No, I don't. I don't know. I really don't. I really just watch a shimilp porn. I'm a real chick with a dick dick I've watched that yeah I just find them never hot enough what what you see Bailey Jay and maybe not maybe not sexual photos just regular and I don't not that one pull it up okay they're like those ones with it's like weird women and they have

pull up our Instagram or Twitter daily jays They're listening to me, but she's got a dick. She's got a real. I need a real dick. I Don't want one of these flimsy little guys. I mean look at her. Oh, she's hot. How's her? What's her? Situation like go to her Twitter Go to her yeah, um, dude. She's she's a mom moment most beautiful women. I've ever met in my life. You matter I know her. She's one of my great friends. Oh, she's on a podcast network. Right. Oh, really? Yeah, Bailey J and her husband have a podcast on That was husband now. I know, but he weighs a book and And yeah, go to media. Can we show this or can you take this?

I don't show it. Yeah, what do you get? Just don't show this, okay? Can you take this? Let's just don't show it. What do you get? Just don't show this, okay? And if you guys are home, if you guys wanna go home, we're live on YouTube, so we can't show it. You have to sign in.

I'll look it up. We'll do it, we'll do it. Oh, wow, that's great. This is my excuse, I get to look at this. That's what I'm talking about. Talking about Asplay for 20 minutes. I can't get a little fucking Bailey J. I scroll down a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little,

I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little,

I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little,

I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to get a little, I'm just going to on a treadmill. Find the one with her on a treadmill. See, I push myself, but I try to watch a lot of these. And I really try to expand my openings. But a lot of it is like, sometimes you see, you're a phrase of the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes like, and it's, it's no problem.

It's their backs, their butt, just don't look right to me. What about that? I don't know, hard to see from that angle, because I've never seen this angle before. Oh, she's the other way. I thought that was the other way. It's hard to see. I'll have to do it with my head. I can see it's right there. That's a look over there. Let angle before. Oh, she's the other way. I thought that was the other way. It's hard to see. I have to do it.

I can see it's right there. That's a look over there. Let me go over there. Let's see a play. Let's hit a play on this. That's amazing. That's amazing. I'll say this so far, so good.

She has a better ass than my wife. Yeah, that's pretty good. I scrolled down. Find the one with her on the treadmill. You'll see this will make it. This is what are we trying to find out here? I want you, because you said you wanted to see her piece. Oh, yeah, I do want to see a piece.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I mean, but you're going to go a strap on on a girl. It's something. Yeah, that's it. Watch this. This is the best, the best work of video ever. You ready?

She working. Working out. Hey, that's an all right piece. Where's you get that piece from? That's hers. It, working out. Hey, that's an alright piece. Where'd you get that piece from? That's hers. It'll pull. But I thought it pulled it out. Where do you get it from?

How do you get a piece if you're a woman? Oh, born with a piece. She was born that way. Yeah. Oh, now we're talking. That's how you get the real shit. I don't like it. And that's what I don't like it.

But it's, you know, it's like, I don't, the surgery hasn't come from it. They don't make pieces. They don't make penises. They make penises Not like that not like that. No, they make a penis. It looks like mine. Yeah, it looks like a fucking inverted wallet Yeah, yeah, that's a good looking piece. So she was born like that. She's yeah, she's a yeah, she's transgender god bless no trans sexual transactual Transvest no transactual, no, transsexual. She's transsexual.

She was born that way. Stop fucking me up. She's a phenomenon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna have 900. She's not knowing the words is a big thing. We're learning the words. She mailed the female transition.

She did transition. Yes. No, she's a woman. She's a woman. Transition. She is a full-time woman. But she wasn't born with the penis. She was born with the penis.

That's what the penis did. That's what I That's it. I got the tits. Oh, shit. One time was a like a man. But she's now she's just never. Oh, great. That over.

I turned into it. And I can't think of it. What's the finding it? Like, second day. Just there. Whoa. I was thinking for some reason, I was thinking just like that it was a woman turning into a man. He's turned into a man turning into a woman.

And the nicest way possible. I'm not sure if that's the right grimmock. Grimmock is right. I think she's grammar is right. She's beautiful. Oh, she's absolutely beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. I was just sweet. I love. He's one of my good friends. Yes. Sad. I wish I didn't like him. But you see the mistake. I'm not. You see the mistake I made.

What's that? I thought that she was transitioning the other way. No. Yes. No, that she is a beautiful will she ever get rid of it? No. We're good for her. Fuck. I love the best of both worlds. Yeah. Like our Kelly said. I'm sorry. Let me take that back. I don't know. She might. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where she's going to be. She's a she's I think the number one Transsexual porn star right now But she only does point with other trans transsexuals and women and the only man She's with usually is if you see her with a man. It's her husband

But he's never shown and he shoots everything. They have this really great Marriage with a He they're just great together. They're kind of nerdy. She loves horror movies and he's a musician and a little photographer and kind of a star wars nerd type dude. He's a sweetest guy ever. Very talented, very cool. And you know, I mean, that's, you know, it's why I, I know a lot of transsexual women too. The, the, the fucking we have to get around the show.

What's her name? She's a comic in New York. She lives here now. Jamie Pride. Yeah, she was a lot of fun. Yeah, she's fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah, hilarious. I mean, she's so, I mean, as a comic,

I mean, when I first went up to Albany, where she was from, and it's funny because Tommy's downstairs the owner of a comedy works in Saratoga, right? I went to the radio station and I was like, hey, I was like, you know, in my head, I'm like, you know, but I didn't say anything because you can't. Yeah. Because what if it's just, no, what are you talking about? I was like, say, no, congratulations on the pregnancy. I'm just fat, you weirdo.

I've done that, yeah. Well, you're weird fat. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but she, she, she came on a did the show. I was like, what the fuck, how funny she is. And she goes right out and just says it, look,

this is what I am. And it just balls out. She's one of the funniest people. There's another one. Michelle Firestone is awesome. She's a really sweet person. Yeah, we're, we're, we're trans-friendly on this show. Yeah, if I wasn't married,

oh, I'd be fucking, I would fucking fight Matt for Bailey. Right? I'd have abs. I said, what are we talking about here? I'd be downtown, huh? I'm gonna, I'm gonna let her bang me. Why not? Because it hurt.

You see the size of it? I'm not that much of a man. I know. You gotta go in flaccid. Should we have to find me unattractive to fuck me? Yeah, that's the only way that I'm working. You know what, most, most, I mean, I don't know. Like, you know, I think that they, they wanna be treated

like a what they wanna, they don't wanna, you know, most guys, what she said to me, every guy, as soon as they hook up with the tree, that's all they want to do. It's just get fucked. So they're going to be the tranny. It's like, here's your chance, you know, you know, fucking bang and do it. And they're like, just fuck my ass. Well, she said, she said, and she was telling me like, she gets stuff from the most macho mugger.

The most, I'm not gonna say who, but the guys you would like no way. Well, if you go to the top, if you're going to the stage, you're liberty. You gotta go to the top. You know, if you're visiting, if you got the ability to get in and why you can't, you don't even know what that means.

If you're gonna do it, do it. Yeah, you know what I mean? The full experience. Exactly. What if the top is closed? Almost, you'll force your way in. And I think, first of all, I think. I'm just so known.

Can I say something? I'm not a provenant of being a scientist. I think, I think top is the wrong word you want to use. Sorry, but yeah, totally. I'm just learning, I'm sitting here listening to this this like I don't even understand this at all I mean I mean I'm a at this point my you got great lips I don't I don't think anybody I I don't know anybody homophobic anymore. Really, you know, back when I was younger, when I lived in Boston, I was fucking 13,

hanging out in South Medford, you know, even younger than that. But, you know, homophobia fucked my life up when I was a kid. When I was in, I remember I was in, I think it was fourth or fifth or sixth grade. They started calling like these kids started calling me Faggot and your fat your gay or a Faggot and it fucked me up. It really twisted my head because I actually did some shit with like another kid. But I didn't, I didn't know what sex was. We both had dicks.

We were just playing with each other's dicks as young kids. And I didn't know that sex was. We both had dicks. We were just playing with each other's dicks as young kids. And I didn't know that was bad or good. But then all of a sudden, you faggot. I was like, I'm bad. It made me so fucked up that I became a people pleaser because of it when I was a kid. Because I just wanted to be liked. I wanted people not to think I was a people pleaser because of it when I was a kid because I just wanted I just wanted to be liked I wanted people not to think I was

Gay or whatever the fuck they would do and I wanted to be accepted so bad because they were They were pushing me out so much with that and I was just over and over here by myself being called the faggot And I was in fifth grade like why I'm not'm not? Am I, I don't, you know, and it twisted me. And then when you learn about sex as you go on, it fucking kills you. It just, it's just a house coming down on you. And when you're an iron growing up as a kid, you don't talk about anything.

You know, Irish Catholic, you don't talk, you don't talk to your parents about shit. First of all, I didn't, my father, I was talking about this today, my stepdad, my first dad wasn't there, but my stepdad, I don't have to remember him playing with me. I don't have to remember him having fun with me. I don't remember from kindergarten to sixth grade, having fun with my stepfather. Like him coming in, hey, come on, let's go for a while. Well, let's go play.

I don't remember it. I remember him just being a dick, saying me shit, hitting me on my sister or my mother. But I remember he used to let me wash the spokes of his car because he had those spoke wheels and that was like a treat for me. And then we'd go for a ride with the teetops. It's like, and I'd have to pretend like this is cool. And in my gut, I was like a treat for me. And then we'd go for a ride with the teatops. It's like, and I'd have to pretend like this is cool.

And in my God, I was like, this fuck you. I don't give a fuck about a car. Fuck it asshole. I'm gonna go have fun or do something. So like that type of homophobia killed me. And now to be like, I don't know anybody in my life who's really homophobic. I mean, nobody.

I mean, look, we all made jokes. I know. Yeah. Dude, when I was in, like my stepdad, I was born 81. My stepdad came in 85. First Christmas, he got me. Hey, yeah. Yay!

I try to teach myself kung fu every time I sneeze. Teacher self. Yeah, I try to bring the forces of evil My cheek comes out So don't fucking me when I sneeze. Oh, good. My stepdad any five. We're Christmas. He's a cop You know, he gets me it was a go bots some like knockoff transformers. He gives it to me I go to hug him. He puts his hand on my head. He went men don't hug. This is real shit. Yeah, this is the shit I grew up with and then it was like, uh, now my stepfather and I never had like a real full conversation. He was just like, he was abused. He was all fucked up. So like, but my, so that shit with I bleached my hair blonde one day and he

goes, guess you're a vaguette. That's what he called me. He said, when I woke up and I went, it was this nice thing because it was able enough to be for me to get this anger and go, no, fuck you. And if I was gay, fuck you. Yeah. I was gay. I'd stick stuff in my ass. Yeah. I go to Spencer's gift right now.

I'm not by a dildo. I'd stick it in my ass. It was the ball. I don't want to dissline all the way in. I know. I'd see. It's like when you lose the caring for his approval so much, it pushed me to be like, oh, I don't give a,

like the homophobia left that day because I was like, it told him fuck that. It took me a long time. I wish I had that. It took me a long time to that approval. But you're not, is your real dad in your life? No. See that, my real dad, I got to see in the weekends.

So I got a question. I did it all, I did for a minute later on. That was, I was like, I got to see in the weekends. So I got a call. I didn't at all. I did for a minute later on. That was, I was like, I don't want to go live with my real dad. And my mom went, what a fucking dick move this was. Go ahead, call him. You can go. Cause she knew. And I call him, he was like, yeah, you can't.

Cause you already had a family and shit. And I was like, I had no, I literally had no way to go. You can move in with me if you want. Well, that was back then. I'm fine. I'm fine now. Well, that's what my kid, dude. I fucking, my kid, he ran out tonight when I was leaving.

He's dead. I came back and he goes, to me here. I went, I'm what, he went, and I fucking, I fucking love you, kid. And he was like, I love you too, bye. That's right. I love you, kid. That's so cute.

We can't have a nerve here, I don't know. I don't know, like,. I guess what would you take? Would you take a fun love and dad or dad with a little bit of money? Because I had fun love. We were poor. It's fucked though. We were poor. Fun love.

It was fun. Money. Yeah. Of course. Money, listen man. I was talking about this with somebody the other day. I don't know where. This whole fucking, all the shit we're talking about this with somebody the other day. I don't know where. This whole fucking, all the shit we're talking about,

the reason why everybody's divided, it's money. It's all these fucking people who don't have prob. It's like all this money people telling us, this is this and this is that and this is that. It's like, what life used to be is you get, you don't have to, everybody's trying to what life used to be is you get a, you don't know, everybody's trying to be famous. Everybody's trying to be a millionaire. Everybody's trying to have more than they need. Back in the day, you had a roof over your family's head. You created a family,

you met somebody you loved and you had a roof over your head, you got food and you spent time together. And that was life. That was the pinnacle. That was the American dream. I've just, I remember on we, you didn't go on vacation. You didn't go to fucking Mexico. You didn't go on planes. You didn't, that was not what it was about. It was about the summertime you were home

and you hung out with your family. You had barbecues, you had dinner every night. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you either Chinese or pizza, you know, and that's we did that we planned the part. Yeah, do all with the basic shit. My uncle, he took me to fucking I never, when my dad, he didn't even get in the kites, but my uncle was like, school fly kites, all my fucking friends like some. This is some like in the hood, anybody's flying kites, right? I'm South Philly, right? And I had a, I just had people my family who just like to do. Oh, that's slide kites when the drug you know, that's a different type of guy. But my only. Yo, yo, you fucking fly kite.

We did that shit a couple times. I told my homie things like you know, can I come like you like cause of real shit. Like what am I friend to this day Monroe, you know, Monroe Martin, comedian, he talks about when my dad took his tent, because you know, he, you know, he, he tried to steal my dad. So we talked about when my dad took us to, because you know, he's trying to steal my dad. I'm talking about my friend. So we talked about when my dad took us to the movie because he was just at the house

when they were like, you want to go to movies? He was like, yeah, we went to the movies. We got some music. He was like, you're dead, cool as shit. I was like, this is a Saturday. That's what the fuck we do on Saturday. You go to the movies and shit.

He was like, for real? See, when I come next week, I was like, I don't like when this is going on. I don't like it. I'm a real, I tried to steal somebody's dad. My friend Chris Brachia across the street, his mom was divorced, but his dad had money. And I remember we would go on vacation,

you go down the Cape and they would take me. And but it sucked up because everyone's like they go and they do stuff and they buy Chris something and they wouldn't, it's like, You gotta go even spread, that's, that's, Well they would be like, you know, I didn't have my mother didn't give me money.

She didn't, we didn't go to the cape. So I'd be down there and they'd buy Chris, well I want that and they'd give it to him and I'd just be like, Hi, I'm here too. I would like one of those little pocket guns, but apparently I'll just use Chris' when he left me and I'll desire it for the rest of the fucking week.

To suck. I mean, you wonder why I'm fucking twisted, you know, I wonder why I'm all fucked up. I don't know how to decide to stick stuff for my butt because I'm full of kind of couple times. I think that's what I'm doing. I'm still feeling that all. I don't know.

All those emotions. But I mean, I honestly, it is weird because then you got poor my fuckers. Like me sitting there like, should it be easier with money, but I mean, it's very so. Everybody got their own problem. You know, I wasn't a fan of money. That's why I like taking advice from people who don't have money, because I feel like they're more grown. You take an advice from a millionaire.

It's like, yeah, dude, it's a little different. It's a little fucking, you just had five people do your schedule and fuck. You know, no, you haven't fucking made a decision in 10 years. You know, you haven't had somebody take it to go fuck yourself. You know, I had to decide if you want to start a business or have a car to drive to work. You know, I had to decide what I'm going to do being, have a car to drive the work. You know, I had to do that. What did I do things?

You know what I mean? Like, hey, dude, just do it. Just jump, dude, the guy don't catch you. What the fuck up? What? I slept. The guy will catch you. I think this crazy lesson I learned really young was with money and fucking, I had no

money. And we had a kid on our block who had all the cool toys. Yeah, and the one thing I fucking learned about that was I was like, hey man, when you invite he had all these exosquad G.I. Joe Transformers on the fucking best toys. And I was like, dude, when are you gonna fucking let me over sleep over your house? Yeah. We go to his house, finds out his mother was a heroin addict. Oh, dad. Oh boy. Violent, alcoholic. Yeah. Reason he had all the toys is because his mother would go to toys or us, steal all these toys, return them, get you like a lax return policy, get money back and or gift cards, sell

the gift cards. But when she would have them in the house, he would just take everything that was cool. So like I went to his house, we slept in the, I was sleeping over his house and mother comes up middle and night, takes my pants, takes my wallet, steals my bike, took all this shit to sell it, and I see him, I'm looking at this kid, and he's eyes are open, and he's watching his mom steal my shit.

I'm not waking up, I do that shit. Wake up the next day, I go home, I tell my mom, and she was like, how was Ta-Hat? How was my friend's house? And I was like, ah, you know, I was like, you know, and she was, she knew, my mom was an ER nurse, so she knew something was up, and she goes, goes you just tell him if you ever needs to stay here

He can stay here And that's what I realized is like man having all the cool toys. Wait a minute stop. Yeah. Yeah Sorry, you got your shit so I'm because of the coffee you got your shit stolen and you didn't fucking your mom didn't get that shit back from that All No, no, I didn't even just let it really yeah, she took my bike And I was like I don't like to get stolen all the time So it was just like oh bike was stolen I go

This lady took your shit. I mean literally abused you. Yeah, I was like yeah, man. She fucking abused you But I wasn't gonna bring that up to my best find this fucking She's dead she died good. She died She's crazy that HIV crazy good wild yeah, she shit and when she died. That's the guess I would have wished on her. She died the day and became sober. Yeah, I mean, he probably was drinking because he was trying to get a 90s HIV early 90s or two thousand and 90s. Good.

She got 90s. She got the space jam. Motherfucker, that's it. She got. Yeah, yeah. She got the space jamber. That's sad, man. It was one of those things where it was like, oh, just because the rich kids, man, and

I think this kid couldn't clear what it rich, but it was like that thing of like, you see those kids, they got all this shit and you go, yeah, man, you don't know what's going on behind the scenes, but I was broke, but we fucking loved each other. My family was tight as a kid. You were one kid that never had a curfew and you was jealous of him. Yeah exactly. Oh yeah, awful life. Yeah. Just go check it on him. He's just outside like that. I'm gonna go outside. Even if he never goes home. This kid doesn't have a home. That's scared to go home. Thank you. That kid's gonna live in a town of these. He's just

picked up belt and a wrench. I picked into the basement. I took the belt. Did I mean you get the belt on the wrench? Well, you can't do that, guys. I picked a wrench because fuck him. Goodwill Hunter. You know, it's funny that, you know, I think it's our job for us to, you know, the kind of the way to change that is by having a kid. You know, I'm changing my legacy, my lineage

by bringing up a max, doing him the right way, so that he can have a son and bring, and it's just gonna keep getting better and better. You know, with, you know, or just, you know, I could have been a fuck up and did the same shit and, you know, you know, a fucking fatherless ass and don't be wake tables and fucking pop and sit somewhere and, you know, it sucked. But it's important to me to make sure that he, you know, first of all, isn't an asshole.

Yeah. Because I think, I think kids, when they started doing that helicopter shit, it got a little fucked up because they just didn't give them the room to fucking get hurt and fuck up and and be assholes. Yeah, I think you can't just sit there and just get this little fucking fuckface. And then when he gets older, he doesn't know anything. They don't know shit. And then life smacks him in the face at 30. And by the time they're 40, they look like shit. And then you just get, it's like, yeah, and all the shit you thought was important wasn't. You know, the shit that's important is,

you know, your values, you're fucking having common sense and the love of the people in your life. Yeah, I'm from, like, you know what, I think the biggest thing my grandpa probably told my dad was the fact that he probably, he just probably hugged them. Like, you know, he just like, basically, it's like, his generation just adds a little bit of something different.

Like, my grandpa's like, yeah, I'm a fucking hug my son. I was fucking out going to add him a kiss him on the cheek. I own the cheek. By the time we came by, it was just like, like now, it was fine. I was talking to my daddy the other day and my wife, she's sitting there. I'm like, all right, let you dad lay you. And it's like, it's just how I see where I'm fucking done talking to my dad. I'm fucking, you know what I mean?

It's weird, but I never, stuff you're saying. I'm, you know what I mean? It's weird, but I'd never, stuff you're saying, I'm sitting there, like, you mean, you're not in a hug growing up, and what the fuck? And I never would even expect it, you know what I mean? As you talked about therapy the other day, my mom was 18 when she had me. I mean, she had a 15 when she had my sister,

and that was back in the day. And I'm sitting there going, could you, I mean, her 22, 23, 24, she's doing what? She a waitress. How did she take care of you? Oh, yeah, a big Irish Catholic family, but she had to go away when you get pregnant. Yeah, you go to the fucking nuns. Same shit as Dale South, you know, you know, seeing you now, South, you know, your mom came and done. No, you have to go away to the nuns. You can't just go have a baby. You have to

keep saying go away to the nuns. You can't just go have a baby. You have to keep saying go away to the nuns. I only understand that I have no idea what happened. There was like a house like a place you went and she lived there with the baby. They would hide you. They would hide you. They would hide you. They would hide you. Yeah, she's 50. They kind of, you know, put your way. You were up there and you did your shit and then you'll come back with your sister some of your brothers. And then she came, they came, yeah, it was weird. She went through a lot of hard shit in my mom, because she was, you know, I was Catholic

and all that shit in my grandma, that was pretty strict and back then it was weird. But I'm thinking about like, she had me when she was 18. So, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, she was 23 when I was Max's age. I mean, when I was 23, I was a fucking, I mean, an idiot. Yeah. And my mom had two kids sleeping on the floor and a mattress in the

three bedroom house with 13 people living it. You know, so, but here's the thing. We were fucking happy. Of course. Happy shit, bro. We were the happiest ever when my mom married that guy for money, because he had money. we got a house, and we got our own rooms,

and we got toy boxes full of toys, and that's when life turned to shit. And I'm not saying, look, I want money, I want to have, I don't want maxed after worry. I want him to be, you know, okay. He's defending his cell, you casios. Yeah. By then, it will be fucking real money. Isn't that kind of beautiful to be, you know, okay, he's defending his cell, you casios. Yeah. By then, it'll be fucking no money.

Isn't that kind of beautiful to be honest with you? That's kind of what your mother did for you. She was like, I will take care of my kid at any fucking cause. My mom fucked up. No, she didn't because she married that guy. Yeah, but that was kind of something that you'd be. It was a bad move and she was abusing us out of the gate.

He was hitting us out of the gate. I told that story. And she was up and she moved. I remember I'll tell the story again. I've told it before, but I was in. When I showed up at my, we got an apartment, the first apartment after the marriage. Everything was great. And we walked into my, I had my own room. I never had a room. And I had a bed, had a desk, and I had their toy box full of toys. And I'm walking in this like, is this mine? And they're like, that's all yours.

I remember I had this lamp, this, it's a light fixture hanging off, the ceiling, it looked like a little spaceship. And I was like, is that my light? And they're like, that's your light. It's got a light. But as I flip the fuck out, great. And I had a TV in the like this corner,

and I didn't understand, and I went from 13 people living in a house to your own light, to all this shit, like all these twins, and you can- And you think your light touches as yours. And I remember, I remember, including this hand. I said like a spaceship, not a spaceship, you know, a fucking literal asshole.

Doing my job, I know you, but it's too good. It's too bad. I have to get stuck. I'm sorry. But I remember I was sitting in the room one day. This one, my life changed forever, this second. I was on my bean bag chair. I fell asleep in the afternoon.

I went from data dark, you know what I mean? And I woke up and I heard some shit that I didn't know what it was and I went in the other room. It was all groggy and I came in and my mother was buckled over crying and my sister was trying to get the phone and he was fucking, he was six four. So I'm like that, six three. Parted his hair to the side mustache, that type of guy. That's a reason. And he grabbed the phone and threw it at my sister's head and then punched my mother. My mother went to grab him and he punched her in the stomach

and she went down and I'm in kindergarten. So I'm like, I flip out and then my mother sees me, grabs my sister and me and brings us into my sister's room and I was holding the door. He was us into my sister's room and I was holding the door. He was trying to kick the door down and I was holding it. It was just back. It was like a monster coming. And he kicked it where I went flying and the door opened and he put his foot through it. And I just hit the wall and I slid down and pretended like I was hurt because I didn't. I just didn't. I didn't understand. I just wanted

to play dead because I thought he was going to kill and he came in he was like you fucking you know said some bullshit Whatever the fuck fuck you you know fucking do that fuck off and get up He looked at me but don't stop pretending like you fucking hurt and I was just lying there and it From that second on My life has been fucked I've been trying to untwist that stuff. I want to punch him in the fucking face. Um, yeah, I mean, yep. Is he, where is he?

I have no fucking idea. Wanna get him? No. Dude, I'm, I'm legitimate, Middle-Eight-A-Angry. Like, I have a big like, like, like, That fucked up my mom, too. Yeah. My mom, my mom, sure, man.

That fucked up my mom, that, my sister. Fuck me up, I'm just listening to it. My sister's, my sister's still fucked up about that, because my sister. Fuck me up, I'm just listening to it. My sister's still fucked up about that because he would call her fat and stupid. And she still got that thing. We both have it, you know, we both have that fucked up weird thing. And then, you know, I was fucking gifted,

if you believe it, the gene of addiction, throw that in there and just my life twisted up with But that, I'm still untangling that shit. And even my mom, we fought for years until, I think like six years ago, she finally, I've said this before too, we were fucking screaming. And I was like, you fucking do this and that. And you know, all this shit that happened and you'll never gonna fucking,

you need to, and she went bobby. And I went, what? She goes, I'm never gonna fucking, you need to, and she went bobby and I went, what? She goes, I'm never gonna change. And I was like, oh shit. I was like, how are you right? You're in your 60s and that's who you are. You're cement. And I need to change because I can.

So I'm just gonna accept you for fucking who you are. You know, once you accept people, you know, now we haven't fought six years because that's what my mom is. I get it. And I don't deal with it anymore. Whatever thing is, but she's gotten better because I don't fucking try to make her change too, by the way.

It's a weird thing that happens. You know, it's gotten better. But laughable.com, they're not Android now also. Oh my God. I love laughable. Piece of shit. I feel emotional. I feel real like, you know how hard it's been to feel a goddamn emotion?

And you gonna put out a goddamn apple right there? Oh my God. See, I got literally, I'm almost to the point of crying. I don't even know how to cry. I've been trying to cry for fucking years. I gotta hold you up about me not being able to cry. You got that point of life for me. You'll never feel, you'll never feel more emotion than what

you see this beautiful Android ad Where the guy it's launch You can't you can't you never be able to find your mother or father, but you can search by comedian Your father You can't find your father, but if I build a bird, if you build a bird, you can find Verzy. Do you have Verzy in parents' favor? But you can find your favorite comedies.

He's just a fucking crazy. Well, that is a show, Ender. Oh, spectacular. We do an hour and 40, man. We're a fucking right there. How long do you want to go more? I want to do 30 more. Well, we. We're a fucking right there. Howdy 30. Why do you want to go more? I do 30 more. Well, well, we usually, you know, it works.

We, we use a, we start wrapping up and takes a while. Because, because if we just do the end, I feel like if I just do the end, all right, what do you got? Then all of a sudden they just click off. You know, they send them a bitch. So we, we, some of the funniest shit that's ever been said is after I, after I say, all right, we're going to wrap up. But at least cocksack is miss it. Because you know, stick around. Yes. Every comedian slams into fucking gears. He's like, do your plugs. It's like, well, I got the best bits. Yeah. I heard. They're going to the characters.

And I want to thank every, I do want to thank everybody at Robert got patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. I want to thank you guys that joined and Some of you guys had a bailout and you left you left me I understand I get it You guys who are stayed and supporting this all that money goes back into film and stuff and Paying for this shit. I'm you know, I wish I would love to get it up further so we can do more stuff. But we are doing stuff with it. We just shot the food rule stuff and that's with all stuff that I bought with money from you guys on that. And I, you know, some guys are bitching about like, what the fuck?

Look, man, I put a lot of content up there. Zach works his ass off to get the audio up there for you first. Yes, some days it goes up Thursday instead of Wednesday, but we try to get it up. The video's up there. You guys get this show first. Audio for you truckers and video for everybody else first. We got a live from the setup there.

We got a live as a Colbe. We're going to start releasing some of those on YouTube. I think next week we're going to do that. But you know, all the comedy camp stuff, I'm gonna put up there, whatever we have first. You guys get the stuff first, even, you know, even if it's a day before, you have it first. So I want to thank you guys. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly, become a member, $5 member, it's $5, a cup of coffee a month. If you're a fan of mine, if you're a fan of the show, become a fan of the show become a fan of that and Support this we're trying to make it bigger and bigger and the last couple years this crew right here. We've made

The podcast grow and a lot of these podcasts plat the fuck out They plateau out and that's it. We haven't we get bigger and bigger every year and that's because you guys spread in the world and being fans So thank you very much. This fun. Who's this kid you brought? Lamar. Lamar Lee. Is he a comic? Yeah, he shaved his face right on the steak last week and I hate his face. Jesus Christ. But other than that, he's very funny.

With the fuck is where you're talking about your dad and your love and your treat this kid. Do you have a dad? He's a shit, yes. You know, how you look like you're a baby. You have a dad. You go, you look like a baby. You're like the dancing baby. You used to come up on your screen. I don't understand.

I want to hug him. I got to be honest. You got to hug the whole person I've ever seen in my life. He's very nice. He really does. You look like Bismarkey. Oh baby. You get the fuck out.

You got what I need. Oh, where where you from? You're from Philly. Tell you just keep it out. I'll break the fuck out of Philly. Philly guys just fucking saturate comedy with fucking shitty Philly comics that are the way. Are you funny? Is he funny? He's funny. Yeah. He's funny. How funny how funny he's funny could you go up downstairs right now at the salary and pass you go up downstairs and tell jokes five buddy just say yes you can pass you pass yeah well maybe we'll have him on the show next time you the share

well he's up here now but you see how is. Are you willing to tell us or about Graham and stuff on your butt? Or do you have any of those stories? No, but the first time I had sex with a female to melt your hands, person. All right, get over here. Get over here. Get over here. You just got your way in.

Get over this side. No, Gabby, you stay there. Gabby, you go over there, let Chubby sit here. He's not gonna fit. Gabby, you can fit everywhere. Sit over by Mike, sorry. These's not gonna fit. Yeah, you can fit everywhere. Sit over by Mike. Sorry. These guys love each other. I feel like brother and sister. Look at her face. She's all uncomfortable. Uh-huh. You got a chair for her? No, we have a chair. No, she's like this chair.

No, it's okay. Listen, what did you say? I said the first time I had sex with a female to male trans person. Female to male. Yeah, so it's like a girl becoming a guy So they had she got it so you you went with you went with her when she was a girl or a guy girl It was like the first day of testosterone chest, okay, so what happened? I don't understand that Can somebody explain that to me? Did she pick you up and fuck you? Oh, pick it up. I couldn't do it. He is even if he wanted to fuck.

So, so she was a female. Now, how does that happen? Did they make a penis? Is that what happens? How does that happen? Female to male. I they actually pull, I think they pull it out in shape.

It they pull the uterus out in shape. But it's like, it's like a whole thing. That's the honor. Get those fingers moving. I wanna see a cartoon of how it works. Oh boy. Sofries aren't the most fun thing. Look at it. Just go, yeah, go to image.

You don't have to go. I don't want to head stop one second. I don't want to read about it. Fuck him. What's the end result? Yeah, A point of 20 minutes of how the surgery works. Are you trying to do men or women just? Women. Okay. Yeah.

But I thought she was a woman the whole time until she told me before we were going to have sex, you know, but she was a woman that she was transitioning, right? Yeah. But so she wasn't a man yet, right? I don't know. They're like gender queer now. Do you know that? No, what would you just call me?

People call me. This is a thing called gender queer, where you don't have to be a man or a woman. Are you sleeping? I'm sleeping. Can you get stumped by bees? Wake up. Wake up, the man.

This is your shot. Wake up. What the fuck, the'm wake up, man. This is your shot. Wake up. What the fuck, man? This is how my face looks. This is how my face looks. I'm sorry. You can boil with a sleepy face. Of a size or a blue?

My, my, my born you were? No, no, no. I was going to say can be. All right, listen. I've never seen somebody so cute and chubby and chucks their eyes. He looks like that dog. He's sitting in the mouth with that barrel of liquid on his chin. You know what I'm saying?

I'm not. I'm not. I'm sorry, the man. So what's up? So gender queer. Talk to me. Yeah, it's like when someone's like, oh, I identify, they don't have any discernment.

Hang on one second, where are my dates? Yeah. Yeah. Please, this weekend, if you listen and live in Indiana, I'm gonna be at the Tiger Run. And I'm gonna be at Helium. We had a switch to the venues, the Helium. And then next week I'm in Las Vegas

at the Comedy Cell, the great Comedy Cell at the Rio, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then Los Angeles, fuckers. I'm coming. Yeah When you come out to the West Coast, I'm coming if if you don't sell this place out by next week You're dirty people Jesus Christ saying it The fuck Diabetes

What's that shit that goes around the minute? The dirty sky. Yeah, it's smog people. The smog people. The smog people. The smog people. Nasty mother. Ugh.

I don't know why I'm talking. I'm stacking on. I go, I'm going to tell, like, some kid, some kid, hey, you want to do my pah, who are you? Fucking Joe Lista's Rogan. Fucking samurai sword. fucking nervously. God, that had fucking career stinks. No, Brad, but you're doing great.

Yeah, I'm doing great. Let's do this. So, so go ahead, what are you saying? Robert can't live.com It's like when someone doesn't want to be identified by their gender. Okay, like they're they're born. What are you? I'm a guy dude. I'm just a dude. I want to be like you one. You're a guy dude. Someday you get it.

You want to be one of these shirts. If you don't do it. I want to remember to be happy. If you're going to remember to be happy, you get it. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be happy. I'm. You're a guy. Do you get it? We go to these shirts. If you go to you're gonna remember me having you get we are the dudes. That's the first start. You can get one of those shirts. And we get the right candidate. We get the boot of dude. That would look good on you. And you can also get hoodies. This way I have my

hoodie and it's fucking great. And there's the art vark art vark art. Do you ever put the other logo up? Oh, huh? Oh yeah, there's another logo too, art vark art vark art. That's how I knock it in. And it works by the way. Art vark art vark art vark. Pfft, I do that instead of spending,

because I'm too chubby. And then I go, art vark. It shakes me out of my anger. I have absolutely no fucking clue what you're talking about. You know, Germany's plugs in like great stone jams deal to all of that. I don't jam my slide. I slide.

Yeah, like check out Red Dude cast on this website. I slide. We got shirts coming up. I know. It's Don Tain Nero. A few weeks ago, it was on the show and he said, you're anchored to your younger, the rage I had when I was a kid.

And that's why it comes out now. And I don't like to be angry. I don't like snapping, but it's just in me. I hate when people, if someone's disrespecting me, I want justice. And you don't get justice. People lie and never admit when they're wrong and they don't, they just don't, people aren't honest

because they can't be, it's hard for people to be 100% honest, you know what I mean? When you call something, you did that and they're like, no, I didn't, it's like, yeah, you did. I'm the judge. But he was like, dude, you have to shake yourself out of it. And he was like, I think Justin said that he says, just you have a word like, hardvark

and say it three times and then spin and say it again. Uh, and I was, I was like, that's stupid. And what it works. I'm telling you right now. And it scares the people you're mad at. Yeah. Cause I was like, I was giving you these art. I'm telling you, I wasn't traffic at a light and this lady cut me off.

And she was looking at me, and I went hard rock hard rock I just kept going It works it's shaking me out my wife was freaked out for the first week now she laughs What's your name? Slamer Lameh Lee slameh Lamir slameh. Let's one of the three. I got a pop the fest incorporated. We're gonna make it. Good. What were you saying about the thing?

It's just like when someone doesn't want to identify as the gender they're born with or as any gender, right? Yeah. Okay. So why did you bring that up? Because I got. Yeah. Cause I got that was her.

Yeah. She was that way. Yeah. Right. That's how I gave it. How how was that recently? 27. How old you? I was last year. Yeah, it was last year. So you had sex with her last year.

Yeah, she's still out of a vagina. Yeah. Okay. So she's still like she likes, she's going to be when she has a penis, is she going to be gay? No. She's going to be what? She's going to go with women.

Oh, if I think she's gonna be in the mirror. She's gonna be in the air. They just throw it all in the cloud. Right, I need a square. She's like Arya Stark, she's nobody. I need a gummy bear after this. I need this. Thank you, your godsend.

And your human beings. I'm gonna be on there. I wake up, I'm a human being with things coming off. He really comes down to that, isn't it? That you can do whatever you want. But here's a thing, is religion and your parents and your grandparents and the people. They don't got to wake up as they wake up as them. You wake up as you. Look, if I came home and I had stuff in my ass, my wife would be mad.

What if it was a wash? A gold wash. Here you are, a lady. You're a fake lady. I want a Rolex so bad. I need a cox. I'll give you a Rolex if you'll eat that in my ass. Oh, yeah. I don't have this money. You're gonna be...

How funny would you be if you did a fake Rolex? And you're just fucking ate a skydweller out of your mouth. I just popped it out of cold all over your mouth. Does that fake go cold? I saw the second hand you go tick tick. That's not a Rolex. That doesn't sweep. I'm just kidding.

I'm like, you have dirty fucking ass too, some of my lips. If you had a tube to your wife see you would have dealed over you, but you get a Rolex, would you do it? Oh, fuck yeah. You walk right in on you fucking of my lips. You had a tube to your wife, seeing you in a dildo, but you get a Rolex, would you do it? Oh, fuck yeah. You walk right in on you, fucking dildo, and then you're in the Rolex and dangling right off of it. Oh, my kid could walk in with his homework.

You know what I mean? Girl, it's time for me right here. That's what. Depends on my Rolex. I would talk on a Daytona or a Skigweller. Blueface, not regular. All right, I'm not doing it. I'm not sticking Daytona or a Skydweller. Blueface, not regular. All right, I'm not doing it. I'm not sticking that in my ass.

I'm gonna make it. Four family members gotta walk in. I'm not doing that for him. Four family members, a 36 millimeter Datejust. That's not happening. Look at that. Oh, no, there it is right there. Where is it?

Go back, look at that. Man, that's a beautiful watch. So yeah, for that watch, you need four family members to one have three wife, hang a child and two have others. Yeah, man, I'm doing it. Now, now type in. This is a good skydweller. This is this watch is the she is knit. This watch is hot. Check this out. Man blue face blue face. Click on that. Well face baby. That's hot as shit. And now type in the day date solid gold Jubilee bracelet. Now this is fucking it. Yeah. Jubilee. I do. I love it. Jubilee. Do you know how spelled Jubilee? There it is

right there. Right there. Look at that big daddy cane. Oh yeah. So go down to black face. They got the black face. Scroll down. Oh, what are we doing there? Oh, man. Everything was going good, Bob. It's an antique.

It's cool when they did it. Scroll down. Scroll down. I'm going to roll down. Look down, Jolson. Right there. Click on that. I know that. Go back.

Go back. That's nice. Oh, no, no,son. Right there, click on that. I know that. Go back, go back. That's nice, though. No, no, no, no. Over there, all black, all black. Oh, right there. That's the onyx. Mother, that's on your wrist, dude.

That's popping. You're getting raw. I mean, you're getting raw. You're getting raw. You're getting raw, you should like that. Not for the robbery. I'm going to fuck it up. But I got pretty good.

The Jubilee Bracelet is up there. Yeah, dude, I want a Rolex bag. Would you suck anything for that? I just choose. I'm at mine right now. Dirty guy with uncles works at home. To where we're doing? But they got it just for just playing two games of basketball.

Dude I suck a dick for a time actually. I suck a dick for the experience. You give me a Casio fucking sea merchant. I'm fucking. All right good what do you say? What do you have? Um, just check out my podcast, the Rantude cast. Bobby's gonna come on, right?

Huh? Don't you know what you go to? Where do you have it? Um, Becky's place. Becky's place in Brooklyn for you in. How far is that? It's an Uber ride. You get in the Uber.

I'll pay for it. No, I would put a taco in there. I would know and even I would come and do it. You get the Uber. I'll pay for it. No, I wouldn't put a taco in there. I would know, I would come and do it. But in the summer, I'm gonna be around, so I would definitely come and do it. Yeah, yeah, I was, you know, if you can't just kidding, but I would definitely come and do it, dude. I'd love to come on.

What do you do? You just say, we're doing? Yeah, we actually, we just do mine. It's better. What poppin' up? I mean, just poppin' up, I'll put it on. You can just say, this is yours. I mean, it's probably better. Who's on the podcast?

Brendanair and Anthony DeVito. Who's the funniest podcast on the internet? Not really. It's really aggressive. No, no, it's great. It's Brendanair. Brendanair is a super funny guy. No, okay. Anthony, I love him.

Yeah, yeah. It was the first time you guys brought together. I'll know it was the, okay. And I think he did. Anthony, I love him. Yeah, yeah. It was the first time you guys were all together, I'll know. It was the, you guys shocked me how funny you were. Because physically you look like fucking duds. I love bringing it in. But physically just a dud. They look like they just don't have a coffee shop somewhere.

You know what I mean? Coffee's okay, yeah. It's not even good, yeah. It's fucking somewhere. Yeah, I mean, it's okay. Yeah, it's not even good. Yeah, it's not cool. They're still trying to figure it out. I don't know what I tend to think. Oh, they always slap it. So I'm when you walk in looking off.

We call so do you live here now? Yeah, in Jersey City. You live in Jersey City? Who do you live with? Um, another comedian that you don't know. Oh, the bricks down. It's a group. Do you have a podcast? Uh, yeah. Of course you do. Oh, the bricks don't. It's a roofing.

Do you have a parkest? Yeah, it's, of course you do. I mean, what the fuck? I literally started this show before Billy Burr. And I think Rogan, and I'm just, listen, patreon.com, slash Robert Kelly. I'm at fucking 290. I need to be at 700 listeners by the end of this year. I'm quitting the business.

I'm literally quitting. I'm gonna give an ultimatum. I'm quitting everything. No, why? Please don't do that. What? Why? Because I like my job.

I just got a heartbeat in my ass. All right, go ahead. What are you doing? So you have a podcast. What's it called? What do you got Chris? May 19th, come check out my show. Twenty Second of March is at Liberty Bar.

It's gonna be called, it's called Origin of the Joke where we tell a joke and then we tell a origin of that joke. That's a good idea. You know, a lot of these, I don't like themed shows that much. I just like stand up, but that's actually a pretty good idea. I like it. Yeah, it's Cole Phoenix. She's a very funny lady. We just tell stories. So why does she have to be a lady? Because she actually identifies as a lady.

Okay. She's I mean, she could be the right thing to say, Gabby. Yeah, you're on your way. Thanks. You're doing some pro now. Pro Nand a miss miss May 29th I'll be at the punchline in silly and I'll be headlining that so come check that out and put that up yet But come check it out also be at a fundraiser mace May 18th

Try to get a roof on this guy damn church church church and No, in Chester you know Chester P.A. is a piece of shit, but it's a church show First of all what happened to the roof of tornado just wear it here just just people in Chester just they needed something to eat You know how it gets over there in Chester P.A. I need my So how much is the roof I I don't know, it's probably like $250. What do they call it? No, how much is it? I'm just saying, what a line up to get a roof. You can't even get a fucking stare.

What? I mean, why don't you get somebody on the show? Why don't you get a roof fucking comics? They can at least get a roof. I know, but it is roofed and then get an estimate. Then we can find out how much it will cost. It's a special... Show the estimates.

The estimate show, so we get the estimate that I have, like the roof is now. We're gonna get it steps, people. So let's come on out so we can get the estimate. Bring it up, relic. If we're gonna invest you in that bitch, and bring a bigger poncho, this is called the pon it and bring a big a poncho, there's gonna be a poncho comedy show.

Bring a poncho. If it rains, we can't have it. What was that? Where are you gonna be on that show? No. No. Let me hear it. I love how you go nowhere near the microphone.

I'm really sorry. You guys even know what it's like. I know. I can't see it. I'm an other than a colorizer. Yes. it's like. I know. I can't see it. I even know what color I see. That's nice. Let me see. Oh, like that.

Yeah, that's good. Put your mouth. You're gonna get it. What are you a muppet? Jim Henson with his lamirly. Um, you watch Game of Thrones at all? Fucking hell. Jim Henson with his merely. You watch Game of Thrones at all? Fucking hell. Um, you don't like that shit.

What's your show? What's your show? I get it. I'm gonna sit calm, dude. And I also get, I just did a business. I just been bingeing on a lot of shit. Agents.

You watch billions? Billions. That's, it's on the list. I got a list of shit to binge. To binge. You know what I mean? I'm just, I'm just, I've watched a lot of shit. But I don't, what I don't feel like catching up on've watched a lot of shit, but I don't want to like catching

up on games with Game of Thrones. Yeah. I don't feel like doing it. I tell you what man. Last week was a fucking let down. Really? I mean, spoiler or geek. Yeah.

If you get mad at me for spoiling Game of Thrones, I'm happy I did it. Yeah. Once we get our blogs. What? They everyone turned off and we did our plugs. Do I go out? No, we answer. When we answer, we brought a heat LaMirga out of it.

So there's a truck driver right now. Fucking hootin' his horn. Where? Yeah. Uh huh. Ah, I just think, Gabby, what'd you think? I thought it was both good and horrible. Why?

Was it horrible? Because, of course, scenarios went insane. We all knew that was gonna happen. But Cersei died in the worst way. I love the way she died. You love the big death. She just died like Romeo and Julie. Yeah, but it's your brother.

And with a mongoloid babying belly. When you come back. It's not even a, you can't, I can't, I can't, I can't authorize that love scene that love death because that's your brother Mm-hmm, and the baby is from your brother. Mm-hmm. I can't go. Oh, that was beautiful I'm like it's your brother. It's your fucking brother. This comes on Santa. Yes, Sunday Sunday So on the Lord's day Sunday, well if you if you're not going to go go to origin a joke. It's on a 20 second of market. But you know what I'm saying? It's like the love. I mean, really, he, she fucked

him so bad. She fucked everybody. She was a piece of shit. And then at the end, she winds up the toughest woman in Game of Thrones for, I mean, literally walks down the street naked, getting stuck through a shame, shame. And she worked and through that. And then she starts crying at the end. And then she dies in a basement with a roof falls on her. Do you know why she cried? That's because they only would when it got hit the roof fit So You don't want the church people to die game thrones down if not let come out Sanery night and chester and let's get this roof estimate baby about San Ray, May and Chester. And let's get this roof estimate, baby.

The last step was just to comedy benefit to rebuild King's Land. She cried. Why? Because her only weakness is her children. And this is yet another child that is going to die. I don't think she cried because of that at all. I think she cried because she saw that she was finally defeated. And there's nothing she could do about it.

Because she kept saying no, this is never the red wall, whatever the red keep us never fallen and it is you got a crazy bitch driving around on a dragon. She's only stayed in the right because she knew if she left the red keep her child would die. Her whole everything about her is a motivation. Right. Okay.

Okay. Fine. But here's the thing. First of all, all right, it's from your brother. So that's a little weird. Well, the first, I think it's from my brother too. So there you go. Yeah, which is fucked up and they were nuts.

Okay. And second of all, I wish she died a little more epic. Just a little more epic. I mean, here, one here, we can all give our scenarios and I'll give mine. This is what should happen. Game, I found the writer of Game of Thrones, head writer. Okay, she's walking down with the monster brother, the, and our, what's the name? Ari, but Ariya comes.

So Ari doesn't come. She, the guy goes to fight her brother. She's standing there watching them fight. And then Ariya comes out of nowhere and sees her, makes eye contact. And she goes up and she says something really fucking country to Arya. Like you're a little bitch. And the, but in the little, before she finishes this,

she sticks her little dagger. What's it called? Needle. The needle right through a fucking, but she's still alive. And as she turns, she sees the dragon right outside. And what's her name? Dinaris. Dinaris is on the dragon and she sees

that little little girl. That's a lot of you are. Are you are. Are you just killed? Um, uh, Cersei. Cersei's and they both look at the dragon chick.

Daenerys. Daenerys. And Daenerys. Now Daenerys is like, okay, well, she killed her. So it's over. But then she looks at Ares. Aria. Dinaris?

Ariaola. Ariaola. And she fucking, she goes, she says the words and the dragon kills both of them. They're cars. Fucking your cars burns. Fucking both of them. Because she knows she's a problem for a two, right? And then you look down and there's Stark.

Arria. No, John Stark. Look it saw that she did she just killed his sister. This is great. And this is great idea. And now they cut when she looks down, she looks down to John. And John is, John is looking up at Daenerys. And someone rips his shirt off and then we see his abs. No, that's my end.

No, no. No, no. No, he's, he's, he's, John sees that he just killed his sister from, killed everybody in the sister for no reason, didn't need to. She was dead. And then she looks down and then the dragon flies away and then comes back and is going down for John. And then it cuts.

And then we go to next week. Can I? What choice? You may. I'm sorry I just get very excited about this. I should give you a pause. Here's the situation I wanted to cook up. Yeah.

Alright, so we got fucking. John is sticking something in his ass. First of all, everything is in everybody's ass. The dragon sniff it around. Don't go there. If you please. If you please. If you please, if you please, here's what's going to fucking Jamie shows up.

Jamie Lannister shows up, right? Because he left, he left Brienne, right? And the narrator, not the narrace, Cersei is up there. And she's just about ready because it's coming down the narrace versus Cersei. And she goes, send out all the fucking homeless, get them all out of the keep. So she kills, so all these humans are going to die and Jamie goes, I can't, and he finally makes that change. And then the king slayer kills the queen, kills his own sister.

Well, there's a whole thing. Yes. Right? The whole old man that the little brother is supposed to kill Cersei. That was a whole old man that had never happened. Yes. He kills his own sister, right? And then Cersei fucking whatever.

And then we see, I kind of forgot where I was going, but that's kind of how it goes. And then they all like that. That's great too. That's a good ending too. But they didn't. They should mind a little more epic because they had a dragon. Oh, you always do the dragon. But how about this, if you would have seen the rocks falling on Cersei and watch her brutally die,

I think people would have liked it more because they wanted that ending. Dude, nobody wanted a fucking, nobody wanted a fucking building for, what the fuck? The rats. You died in a basement. Nobody liked seeing, after 9-11, we don't like building to falling on people. Really? Yeah, that's the only way I get hard. It's a pretty good 11-world.

Yeah, that's like when Superman and the movie, they knocked down all those buildings. We're like, and dude, enough with taking down buildings and cities. We'll never forget because you guys keep making fucking shit with buildings are falling on the 26 West Second Street Chester PA, if you don't want to see a minute fall, that's the most likely scenario that is literally the most likely scenario for the bad thing to fall on some reason. It's literally the building is already falling apart.

Tink down his foot, those faphicids. It's a clean show people. It has to be. Yeah, it's a clean show. I like a clean show. Yeah, I got a roof Jesus is looking right down on you. The last is on the show. Jocuz.

All right, we got bookworm. It's little rapper. He's little rapper. bookworm. Well, rapper is a little rap. Okay, Mike Brooks. We got Lamar Todd. Yeah, we got lump Hamilton. Yeah. All right. They're going to actually post it by comedian surge.

They're going to raise enough money to demo. What is there now? They're going to raise enough money to Uber, the estimate driver there. They got to get back on his own. Now that's what? Why? What is there now? I'm raising a million Uber the estimate driver there. You got to get back on his own. Why? Why do you just have like a bigger name comical there and just get it done with one show?

Instead of having to do five. The budget for the show itself. You guys getting paid? I mean, it's a very... Are you guys getting paid? I'm not raising it. Are you getting money? I'm not raising it. Whenever I volunteer money? I'm listening to money. I'm working for it.

Whenever I volunteer, my services is always a volunteer. And answer the question of people getting money for this. I don't think. I drop, I drop, I drop. Remember the I drop. Answer the question. Which should be the life of like 25. Oh shit, there's a new I don't know.

Speak of I drop. If you go to remember to be happy right now, the new I'd Vartee shirt is out. I'll go round some of my Brooklyn. If you have anger issues, please get yourself Remember to be happy right now the new odd Vartee shirt is how I'm right now. I'm in my brook. If you have, if you have anger issues, please get yourself one of these shirts right now, they're available right now. Hi, buddy. What do you got coming up?

Um, all right, listen, well, think about that. We'll take it back to you. Oh my God. Holy. What? I didn't expect. I didn't expect to come to me. I wasn't right. Oh my God He's not ready

I'm ready I'm ready He said it oozing good Watch how it's done Follow me at Robert Kelly live on Instagram follow us at WikittabueDude podcast follow Gabby at Gabby is Brian and follow Mike and Mike V Suarez and follow Mike at Mike of Brucie and listen to my podcast a little time and I have a podcast coming out June 3rd called unabashed And me and Zach are also in history. I you know, that's right. And make sure you go these guys right here brand new company Yeah, I'm not new how old old? About two years. CBD script. CDD script. I want to try these. Now, I've gotten stuff from other people. So I'm going to be honest with you after I try them. So leave your information with me. I definitely.

And then I'll call you up and then maybe you give me the big package. So I don't have to for no. Fucking be kind to one fact. It's going to wear it. Don't you have to. I know that's a problem. Get a backpack. No, thank you, brother. Look, he actually got mad. See that? He was like, he's from Long Island. And we got Chris over there.

And what do you got Chris? Not that chini on all social media accounts. I make stuff for Bobby and Greg too now. So if you guys want to hire me a design, should I do that? He's really amazing. He's great. He shirts and remember to be happy is Becky's and your company correct?

Oh, man, he's company you work with. Yeah, we're in the merch and it's the they're put that look at man. It's direct to garment. Okay. This stuff is coming at you But most direct to garment is shit garbage and the shit comes off the shrink the shirt. This is, I've had the hoodie for a week and a half now. It's my favorite fucking hoodie. So many stains on it. There's so many stains on it. No stains. No stains on it.

So it's black. You can't say it. Yeah. So there you go. And you guys are the best fans in the world. What do you got? Alameda, on Instagram, social media, and all the other jokes.

And your podcast. And Woke AF on YouTube. What is it called? Woke AF. Okay, Woke AF. Zach, what do you got? Zach, then you got the best fans in the fucking world. I really love you to death. We'll see you next week. You know what? Oh, next week we're off. The live show will be up on Sunday. There will not be a live. There might not be a there'll be a YouTube thing, but it's not going to be from the studio. There will not be a live. There might not be a YouTube thing, but it's not gonna be from the studio. It's gonna be from comedy camp.

Mm-hmm. It's gonna be somewhere in the woods. Somewhere in the woods. Hopefully it's not raining. Hopefully it's fun. It's gonna be epic anyways. Probably doing a RV guy. You gonna have an RV?

No, I have a hammock. Oh, you have a hammock. Yeah, nice snore. Ooh, the bears are gonna be like, that's the fucking dude up. Oh yeah, it're gonna be like, that's fucking dude up. Oh, yeah, it's gonna be bad. We'll see you guys next week. You know what, dude? Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca.

Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sinfín de aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com