Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Live from Aruba!

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

Bobby brings us another podcast from Aruba with Tom Kotter and Kerry Louise set in the Aruba Rays comedy club! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This is gonna be a claustrophic. This podcast has no rules. I'm not gonna talk to the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a microphone? No, what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on.

It's just us sitting down, yapping. Sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's... ...taping no topics, no directions. I love doing it. Way both sides of the coin! That's how it all holds the... ...toss you motherfuckers! I wanted to do you think my podcast is popular enough,

where I might affect something's like... You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on lightcast.com. All right, well, all right. We're here in a rubah. Uh, a rubah ray is uh, we're drinking. I'm drinking. I'm smoking my fat, a little bit more bad. I'll leave a V cigar the year two years ago with sepson.

By the pool doing another. Oh God, do I have heartburn podcast? Oh God. Oh God. Do I have to do CPR on you, Bobby tonight? No, I just need a pill.

My husband will. I got pills. Not. I don't know if he'll allow it. What does right here? I mean, I haven't seen these two people. I don't think we've ever done a gig together in 20 years. Yeah, 20 years. Back in the Boston day. Well from Boston.

I got a Rubber Ray who has been on my show before. We've done it here before. Me, Tony Woods, and him last year. We also did my show before. We've done it here before, me, Tony Woods, and him last year. We also did, you did my regular show where you got to fight with. Who's the guy you got to fight with? James Smith attacked me. James Smith attacked me. I got to hear that story. I don't know that story. It makes no sense. You go to a rubah every month that makes no sense. How do you do? How do you want me to say you? Ray showed up at the podcast with mellow hair and a ponytail. Hey, a rubah's great. And by the end, hair out of the ponytail going,

fuck you! You fucking screaming. Did I fucking hit the wall? Oh, you were so mad. James Smith, the Australian company, who almost died twice. Wow. And of course, we have Carrie Louise. That's me. And we have Tom Carter.

That's my husband. And you guys, you don't have to talk to them. Oh, I don't. No, that's not a TV show. She's like, that's me. I'm just, I'm explaining. I got it. Relax.

All right, I'm sorry. She's, she's, she's such an entertainer. I'm your VinaWay. That's me. an entertainer. I'm your VinoWay. That's me. That's him. I'm your VinoWay. I know. This is funny that you would talk and do it like with live on Facebook.

This is going to be the why the hell we filming. We're filming. It's going on my YouTube channel. But it might not work. But I'll say really, the audio is the key. If it works, then they know it's me. Yes. Then I'll be one with the it. Well, I'm the one with the tits too. So you had to explain. Wow, they're the pretty one with the tits. You're the one with the

non-hairy nipples. Yes, I like the hair nipples either. I have hair on my head. Nipple hairs underrated everybody. But here's a funny thing. Hey Ray, uh, enjoy your sushi for a sec. I'm not gonna do it. I gotta do a little backstory on these two. All right. We started in Boston together. Uh, back in the day, me, Patrice, uh, Dinkook, uh, Billy Burr, Carrie, Tom, myself, uh, Tom, you're a little ahead of us though, right?

You are. You are a little ahead of us back then. What cl- like my class, and I think Carrie, you're a little ahead of us though right? You are a little ahead of us back then what class like my class and I think carry your class to was my class yeah with you know Barbara Patrice me but Marley Dane yeah Aldo Benny what class will you know I'm I'm a little older is because I remember when Trice was a doorman at the comedy at comedy connection. Really? Yeah. Wow.

So you were a little hen of us. Yeah. My class was Louis started right before me. Yeah. And so did Apollo and Kevin Flynn and Jackie Flynn. That was the class before me. My class was Greg Fitzsimmons, me, Robbie Prince. That's so funny, but you know, it's weird that you guys are all the same

Like kind of guy too Robbie Prince you we all worship Kevin Knox. We all this is asked constantly. Yeah, that's weird Because you guys are all I mean Jesus Christ Robbie Prince is a killer. You're a killer Christ Robbie Prince is a killer. You're a killer. Um, um, um, but simmins is, Rogan was a little after us. For simmins is a killer. But you're all the same type of guy, kind of like Irish Scottish, whatever. White dude, same white dude, fucking white. Yeah. But the Boston just fucking will nail you to a wall like unassumingly Fucking it's the typical Boston comic. We got in so much trouble that class

I put Simmons and I in particular, but he's cleaned up his act a lot really Rogan and I there were three guys that were banned by everybody and that was Mike McCarthy remember Mike McCarty What the space between it's no there's a Mike McCarthy is the comedy barbarian. And he was filthy, and I was filthy, and Rogan was filthy. And so none of the headliners wanted us to open for him. Right. Because they didn't want that to dig out of that hole. We weren't funny.

We were just filthy. Right. And so Nina Broward, Boston comedy, said, no one wants to work with you. You got to clean it up. And Rogan said, if you, I'm not going to clean it up. And McCarthy and I are like, okay, we'll learn how to play the game. And then I cleaned it up a little bit. But yeah, I was filthy when I started with those guys. And Rogan, when we got engaged, left him a filthy message. What the fuck are you doing, dude? Getting mad. What the fuck? Yeah, he's yelling at me. He goes never, first of all, he said never date a woman with a head shot.

That was my room my whole life. Yeah. I Never dated a, and that that's such as that's actresses or anybody in the business. That way we never slept together. No, I think I Sucked with all the Ellen the monkey's not you Really? Only one. I'm the only one. A lot of them share her nickname. You and I believe You and I but D Dave cooks game, right? Oh my God. No, he's not. Well, he didn't talk to me and sleep with me.

Dave Cook is Dave. What is he? He's a stick man. I'd say what he is. Great kisser. He really is. I don't do. He's a totally husband, not me.

No, never, never. But here's the thing. You came up in my class. Yes. But our class, if you look at our class was fucking stupid I mean your class is like no not at all come on Dan Cook billbur Kit Robccheli

I mean it's a pretty powerful class. I would say but think about your class how powerful your classes I mean fits Simmons is killing it killing it got a great Robbie Prince fucking went to LA got a bunch of deals killed it new hamster now came back he ruled colleges for like a rule colleges and he was Bar Marley's in our class Bar Marley's our class was way better than your class I was way better

I've never left both McKin better than your class I mean and here's the thing too is we were way better looking yeah that class was a bunch of fucking you know pf 30 sunblock guys we were pasty white and really was pasty white and red which really crazy. And Billy bros was pasty white in red. Which is a prince got lots of play after shit. Oh what about Todd Haka? Todd Haka. Todd Park was kind of my class too.

Yeah Jim Willetta. Jim Willetta. Yeah those guys they were actually, you know, I was kind of in that in between. I really was too late for the Flynn brothers. You guys were in a weird class too because you were coming in at evening at the improv. Yeah.

Tonight you went seven minutes of clean time, and you had to fucking have that. You have to, you know, I remember Greg Fitzsimmons who passed away, right? Not Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitty, what's his name? Oh, Fitty, yeah. Dave Fitzsimmons.

Dave Fitzsimmons, tell him, this is his guy. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. You guys both, I say Greg Fitzsimmons is chair. Oh, sorry. You was my glass. This is a scar. Hang on a second. Hang on a minute. You guys both, I say, if it's in this dead, you might want to. What? What?

But 50, this is open and joke. He does like this. I know what you're thinking. Should have been a singer. Nice voice. Nice voice. Could have been a singer. Clark soccer said to me one time,

you know, I was living with Maria Falsoni and she made me take her class. And I didn't want to take it. She made Falsoni and she made me take her class and I didn't want to take it. She made me take me and Alan Dane take this class. They left after the first one like fuck this. I lived in the house. So you had to be there.

You were stuck. So I was sitting there. That's the original comic house right there. That's funny. I'm fucking sitting there and I remember he came in to she bird bring these guest speakers in and Dave was one of them and You know, I remember his jokes too were from a meetings because I was in AA Yeah, and I remember it's like I drank. I will I'm allergic to alcohol. I wake up in spots Chelsea Charlestown. It's like bathroom floor. I heard that in an a me

I'm he did a joke. He said Kevin Costner's in a movie called dances with walls because in the movie he dances with a wolf my ex girlfriend uh... her name is uh... he eats with a shovel i remember that joke i tell you this i wasn't impressed with this fucking guy

and he walks in the room and he comes and he says you need to uh... you need to clean it up you You need to stop saying fuck and You don't want to talk about having sex and blah blah blah. You want to I go first of all I'm 20 I think I was 23 24 I go my whole life is having sex my whole everything I think I take shits I fart and I fuck and I swear Well, I go what do you what do you want me to talk to? What do you want me to do? Be somebody else?

And I was like, you know what? Go fuck yourself. He said the same thing to me. When the women, women of the thing was Su Costello, Nancy Monroe of my class, Nancy Monroe. Wait, who's the girl who used to go? And come on, ladies. Oh my god, Denise Burns.

Lady Burns. Remember the dream I used to go and come on ladies. Oh my god, Denise burns Remember the dream I had about Denise burns Denise burns. She's like she would always like all right ladies Do you get it? My fucking okay the hair on the back of my neck I be in the I be in the back of nits and I hear come on ladies and I go That was my that was my dream I Wanted the fucking. She went down on me. She went down on me This is my dream. Sorry She went down on me. She went down on me. I woke up in a nightmare. I'm in sweats and sweating and you're like what's happening? I go I had a dream about Denise Burns was going down on me going down on you going down on me show so

slow the story down slow the story down she's going down on me she wants to know if it's okay to go down on me okay she's thinking of it's okay and she going up she goes what's up sisters remember she's like is it okay like she's looking at me like she does it on stage yeah with a mic between my vagina she's like what's up, sister? Okay, I was like the worst. Who's the lady with the mole? The one that Patrice banged.

Did she, oh my God, did she, was she? Julie. Judy. Julie. Bar. Did Patrice banged her? Oh shit, no it. She does close all over the time.

Patrice, her, Patrice. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. She does it real. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her.

Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her.

Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is to her. Patrice is her would him like at shows would go into the car and Fuck around really we used to give Patrice shit for that. I thought she played for the other team I thought you I think so too. I think Patrice had a finger technique that he because he had long fingers

And he used to tell me I got this finger thing that I do you don't have to do that with the cigar in your hand That's gross Disgusting You don't have to do that with the cigar in your hand that's gross disgusting I Everybody use ago nimble Debris I got a stop drinking I got out of your mind right now carries fucking carries buzzing he had like a feminine finger

It's what you know, I think you had a male finger Wow, that is shocking that those two would hook up, but so be it Isn't it weird though if you think about it and Ray cuz you where Ray? Where did you come in on this? Where were you from boss? College in Boston. I want to college in Boston. Were you doing comedy in Boston a little bit? She's just taking over my podcast asking my question. So I shut up carry listen Where'd you get a little bit in Boston? Fucking. I think I moved to New York.

I guess I moved there after you guys. You did. You're after the fact. Control you. I can't do 16 years of marriage. I told Carrie today though, because me and my wife, I was real quick sidebar. Last night, I want to talk about this. Last night and my wife I was a real quick sidebar last night I want to talk about this last night my wife we're all out first of all I want to command you family the caughters you know I got a nervous ray a little nervous because I've come down here before with other families and I'm like oh it's

gonna be a good time and it was a fucking hell time. Well give it you only have to do it. I'm nervous every time I have a comic down there who hasn't been down ever for him. I'm always what's gonna what's gonna be like. Yeah but I'll tell you I'm nervous because I'm bringing my family my wife and kid and I don't want to expose my wife and kid to shit people and I get nervous well I failed buddy I well I disagree with that I can't tell you how me and me and Dawn both were like you too as parents as cool as shit your kids are fucking awesome I'm believe they're not they're not yeah but that's the thing is they I know that pieces

of shit but that's what makes them good is that they're not they're not yeah, but that's the thing is that I know that pieces of shit But that's what makes them good is that they're funny. They're fucking goofy They're polite they're polite, but they can fuck off a little bit and be a little crazy and The what my kid is in love with your max. It's all he says where are the boys? Where are the boys? Which is starting to bug me a little a little bit? You're like you want to hang out with yourself Where are the boys? Which is starting to bug me a little. A little bit. You're like, you want to hang out with them yourself.

Yeah, and then his fucking super dad routine, he's pulling the front of my kid, is making me a little L2. It's bullshit. Fellas, did you get enough sweep of that? I'm taking that as a really good compliment that you get an electric cue to bug my kid and enjoying it all the time. Bobby, you saw, we all went out to Thanksgiving buffet yesterday.

Yeah. And Tom. And Tom, Harry, his son Harry's sitting there, you know, eating wolfie now sweet potatoes. And he really was such like a Saturday evening post moment. He's like, so you, uh, you enjoy the sweet potatoes, don't you Harry? And Harry's like, I do, Dad. It was just, I've never seen that that for real I was being completely sarcastic because the We're covered with Marsha Covered with It was 69 bucks for the plate and I was Squat with marshmallows

The second plate your son has a second plate It's sweet potatoes covered in marshmallows Watermelon and then it was mint jelly Like it was a bunch, I love it. I think it was mint jelly. It went with the lamb chops. Yeah, it goes like, and Tom said to me, he goes, Harry, I didn't know you like mint jelly,

and your son says, yeah, yeah, I do. And he goes, you know, that usually that goes with lamb chops. And he goes, oh, I didn't realize that. Tom leaves a table. Comes to find out. And then Harry says to me, I said, you really got a lot of that mint jelly. He goes, yeah, don't tell my my dad. I thought that was Jello

You off he didn't throw you off that that that that that Jello was next to the lamb chops on that on that table But a second it was it was like 40% of his plate was filled with men jelly as soon as Tom got back of course I said he talked about it you kid thought that was lime jello but I'm telling you and I was talking to Don about this is that you know you could come down here we love coming down here but if you if you guys sucked as a couple and your kids sucked as humans

I'm so long weak buddy. It's a long weak case or whatever. But it's a lot of avoiding. Yeah, I know. It's a lot of lies. It's a lot of manipulations. And I've had, let me, I've had that down here where, you know, who we win.

Eh, whatever. I'll buy today. I don't remember. We stumbled on Bobby and Max in the pool in the hotel next to us. Oh, yeah, they were hiding. Oh, wait, my son say. My son found you We get a phone call. Do we get a text?

No, the little time ago There in the pool right I The avoidances have absolutely not Are they hiding? Tell me goes mommy. Are they hiding? No, no, I listen absolutely not. We fucking woke up came down as soon as we saw you excited to see you and My max as soon as you see the boys is done with me, well it's not to do with me, okay? As soon as you see your kids,

and even you two, tonight at the fucking dinner he goes, I don't want to be with you, points to me and my wife, I want to go with them, walks over to the Carter family, the fucking Walton's of fucking of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of I'm just very excited. I'm very happy that you guys. This is adorable. He's a fun kid to be around. I'm a great, old is a great age. I'm a great guy too. He's a great kid and a great, I didn't say that. I just said it matches really cute. He's so damn cute. He's so damn cute.

I'm a good person guy. He's so damn cute. I want to, he's making me want to have another baby. I said this right in front of you. Where does Don get married? Man, it's just making me want to have another baby. He's so damn cute. I'm going to be an energy to be such an amazing mother. I know you doing amazing

I'm a great dad. I don't care what anybody says You are great And I go I Tom and I were there. It's like we're I want you to relax little because you know I called it zone defense and you tried to force tag team on me We I call it zone defense. She's to force tag team on me. We I call zone defense. She's called it. She keeps on it. It's not tag team carry. All right now this is what I'm getting. This is what I want to get to right now. This is what I want to get to right now. So last night my white we're all out last night. Yeah. We all take a walk after my wife is with carry

and I'm giving Max a pony ride around. And now, now real side note, just to digress a little bit, I shave my head, my wife puts cream on my head. I'm not supposed to put cream on my head, because it seals my head. And then when I start to sweat, it becomes, you have a seal head. It becomes like a shiny mess.

It looks like I'm fucking dying. So now my head's shining. Seriously, I head it becomes like a shiny mess. It looks like I'm fucking dying So now my head shiny don't look at me don't look at me. She's like I put cream on your head I go I know and I can feel it's like a layer of I thought of cream and sweat I saw my reflection so I go like this I go I gotta go into this place real quick just to cool my head off I have to wipe it cool it it, and then I'm good. But sealed, you got to unseal the head. I go inside, I come out, literally a fucking minute and a half later. Gone, both families, including you fucking Ray. I was thought I'd do what I was told. I was doing what I was told.

Take off, I'm going to be wondering. You know what? You don't fucking be interested. You don't me, you meander in the area that I left. You don't me ever in another area I said the dawn wears Bobby and she and she goes oh he just popped inside the whatever Listen I'm gonna be okay. She's like yeah listen I'm gonna shut up right now on my podcast It's just all right listen, listen, both of you.

Kerry, don't whisper into the mic. No side conversations. Just once in audience. I fucking, I come out, you guys are gone. I look for you. I walk around the mall twice. I walk around the outside three times. Four times I walk around this fucking mall.

I tell you, every store. I go to the mall across the street, walk around that, upstairs downstairs. I come back a Half-hour later. I've been walking for a half hour straight my head shiny again And I see my fucking wife and the Carter family With Ray their new adopted fucking son Okay, and Tom all fucking stoic as the dead and carries with my wife and I want I want to go up to my wife and go what the fuck where what the fuck and I

walk up with she's like we went she knows she fucked up too because she immediately when I'm sorry so I know she because my wife doesn't say sorry I get bent around backwards she's sorry that she knew she fucking shouldn't have left me. And then she goes, your wife goes, Bobby, she blah, blah, blah, I go, Kerry, you fucking back off. I go, let me see. Let me see what I got.

I thought we should get a hit. We started going back and forth. I go, Kerry, I didn't marry you for a reason, okay? Because that'd be like marrying me, okay? I married, I got my Tom right here. I, you married Tom, I married her for the reason because they're not like us. I know shy face. Me and Bobby are going at it. I'm like, Bobby, what's the thing? Can you imagine me and her married? It would just not stop yapping at each other.

We would hate each other. We would be fighting. She would, she would wind up swinging at it. It's a serving thought. I'll be honest. She'd swing at me. I would. We would be fighting. Yeah. She would wind up swinging at me. It's a disturbing thought, I'll be honest. She'd swing at me. I would, I would hit you. Yeah, you're, cause you're, I wouldn't frame your head though. That's for sure. She hits me though, she's Lebanese.

She hits me. So anyways, last night I was like, listen, and now I can't really, I really can't get mad at my wife. She goes, cause now Carrie's given her fucking pap talks right mother fucker she goes beach is let it go and I was like I'm gonna let it go but it's coming back someday someday it's coming back on this podcast which blade right so anyways right you went to high school in Boston a college in Boston correct which college Boston University for what major in film college boss university for what major in film really yeah that's great now now I can't actually notice be Jew was true yeah really yeah I guess you wish Johnny Lampren went there Elon Gold but it's it's but you know it is though

the majority of the college is not Jewish it's just that there's more Jewish people there. Greg's not Jewish schools but a lot of comics is what I'm saying. A lot of comics. Because Jeff Ross went there. Oh yeah. I mean, I could rattle them all off. They're all Jewish. Yeah, comics rather.

Greg, the Timises Irish. But everybody else had just a few. He looks like a Jew. On Gold, you, I mean, there's a bunch of you guys. And on Gold, I think once referred to it as, like, this factory for Jewish comics. I love you backing out of that Rogan's pep talks coming back I'm begging out as she is so it's a wonderful life. He really is you really are just all American

Pop under a palm tree 20 minutes ago You just sit with that's where you were You didn't invite your wife. We were with the twins No, I'm a lot of America But the bag remember the little the pony that gave his kid a box. It sold me a bag Are you kidding? It's a great dad. Wait a minute. You fucking bought drugs off the guy gave my right I did not know from the ponies I so I want to say something now because

Kerry and Tom are here on the show together. A husband and wife. Now, Kerry, you said something earlier that was pretty interesting because when you start out your career, you were popping. You're in our group and do that. You guys want them getting married. and then you guys had three kids You had twins and you said something tonight that you kind of put your career on hold for a while to Take care of the family and as look man people always say There's no good Comic couples and I always bring you guys up

Tom and Carrie have been gathered for a while Rich and Bonnie have been gathered for a fucking while there is couples that fucking do it Alan Bernie, Al Dushan, Tom and Cynthia I mean, they have Ross Bruneric cornfield They're all very white

I think she's out of color. That's a very white. There are no white white. But I mean, how does it feel now? I mean, you you seem like you have the fucking the beginning of your career energy right now. Like Tom Rose in goes up to you got your notes out you're ready. As soon as you came up to, you got your notes out, you're ready right. As soon as you came off tonight, you were taking notes like this and that. I didn't say that. You seem like right now, you're about to start this again.

I do. I feel that way. My boys are now 14. They're taking care of the little one. So I, my, you know, it doesn't become like a math problem when I go out to work. It's like I can, I can work and I don't have to pay the babysitter more than when i get paid right and um i feel like i am starting all over again even though i was i was in it the whole time i just didn't work as much right and people didn't didn't take me seriously even though i took myself seriously people thought they'd written me off they're like she's got kids now we can't book her but that's not the case i don't know why what Can I say something though?

And I've always wondered this is that if the shoe was on the other foot, if Dawn was the comic, and she was going on the road every week, and I was staying home, being on the road every week, and knowing what the road is, I would be like, I'd be like, all right, I miss my son, I miss my home, I miss my family, I like a routine, I kind of, and I'm like, I mean, I mean, are you gonna be, the road, there's, look it,

everybody wants to be famous. Everybody is like, let me get there. But most of us get here where we're making money, good money. We have a little bit of fame where people do know us. But it's not that. It's not Dave Chappelle. You can just take three years off and go fucking live

at a farm. You know what I mean? That's amazing. He could have retired at that point. It's amazing. But a lot of them could. But like I can't have a sex scandal take me out because I'm out. I'd have to go to a home depot. I'd have to go to home depot support my family. I mean, you know what I'm saying? So it's like, do you really want, are you looking, are you gonna do that? Are you saying, do you know like, okay, I will do this,

but I'm not doing that. My family comes here, this comes here, I mean, because the road sucks, and if you're starting over again, you're gonna have to, you, you're gonna, you can't say no to certain gigs. No. Because of those bills, because of that insurance,

because of the car, because of the schools, oh yeah, they gave me this much. All right, take it, fuck it, I'll do it. Yeah. I mean, are you ready for that? I have been ready for that, and he has taken it, and there was times where you took some really shitty gigs, but you had to cause the money was good. You got a real day. This was for where you took some really shitty gigs, but you had to

because the money was good. You got this one for example. Go ahead. You came home. I just hit me. It's like a second time. You came home and I was like with the twins and the kids all day. And I just looked at you and I go, I don't know if we can take it anymore. I can't do this anymore. Yeah. Really? She would hand them to me. If I was on the road for a week doing a cruise or something, I'd come in the door and she'd be like, here, I'm out. I said, I don't think I can. And I seriously was crying.

I'm like on my knees. I don't know if we can do this anymore. You know what I used to poo poo it when she would say, and other female comics would say, oh, you know, it's hard to be a woman comic. But having been in it, and I'm not just saying this because she's here and I want to get say another female comics would say, oh, you know, it's hard to be a woman comic, but having been in it and this I'm not just saying this because she's here and I want to get laid, I'm saying it's quite sincerely saying they have a tougher road to hoe. You still fuck your wife?

So rarely. Will you talk to Don? Christmas and Arbor Day. Arbor Day. I guess you love trees. Some friends flag day by name. She can't, like you and I can talk about our cock. Oh, it's funny. She can't talk about her vagina without the audience shutting down. and I can talk about our cock. That's funny.

She can't talk about her vagina without the audience shutting down. She can talk about a cock. She could. It opened right up. Jason pointed that joke that I wrote about the twins they came early, just like my husband, gets a ha ha. He gets a, I gave it to him.

I go, you try it. He gets a break and a pause break on the fucking joke. I disagree in it some way now. I think back in the day that might have been the case. But I think because comedy has changed a lot, if you look at a lot of special, I mean, look at Amy talks about her pussy a lot. Now, yeah, now it's different.

Well, tomorrow night, what are you talking about? I'm talking now. I'm talking now, I think roles have fucking reversed. I think women could talk about their pussy's and fucking and shittin and farting Whatever the fuck they want now. It doesn't matter white nails cannot we cannot know Because we did it

Yeah, there's the thing we got beat out of it and now I feel like as soon as we got beat out of it It's like okay, let's that's interesting the roles really have reversed But not completely I mean like look that booker said, you know We need a we need a person. Let's book carry. Oh, no, she has three kids. She's got to be home Let's book this guy. Oh, yeah, he just had three kids. He needs the money book them. That's how bookers think that's why I I don't I don't think so anymore I think I swear to God. I really don't I know that book bookers bookers don't give a fuck about that shit anymore. Bookers, look at, you know what they care about? They want diversity.

No, they want fucking my diversity, women, minorities. Well, I can't fucking number. I'm telling you, little carry, look, you have to, you have to get back in the mix. Carry, you're not in the mix. You're going to get back in the mix. Tom, look, look at man. Tom, just go back a little bit before and everybody, you probably know him from

America's got talent. He was a runner up, he lost to a dog act. Thank you, Ray. You're welcome. But, before America's got talent, you must have been fucking scared at some points. Terrified. I mean, we probably would be out of our house right now. talent. You must have been fucking scared at some points.

Terrified. I mean, we probably would be out of our house right now. If I we would have been out of our show. Really. Yeah. I mean, we were we were under water, as they say. We sold. We were in Harlem for five years sold to co up. Made great money because we sold at the height of the market, but we also bought our house and the burbs at the height of the market. So three college tuition on the horizon, we had like our our health plan was shit. Our plan was a metal detector. We had no, we had nothing. We had nothing. We had. So and now that all of a sudden to stop, take me back

to that because here you guys are, you both stand up communities, you're both funny. And here you are, you got kids now, you live in the burbs. You made this decision to do this and You're you're on the road fucking bus in your asshole and the money's going down because at that time I mean they're offering you this yeah, you have to take it. Oh, you got to go get a job I'm doing okay, but I'm working my ass off Right on ships and I'm running around doing everything you can do and Our bills are getting paid, but we're not you know, I'm looking at this mortgage

And I knew what college tuition's on the rise. I was like fuck. So when did you get that call to do that show? Friars club called the Friars Club called and so wow that that show. Friars Club called. The Friars Club called and said that the Matrady there said that the producers and the NBC people were there having lunch and they were bitching about the comedians they had on the show that season. And so I said they called and I said I'll go but I'm not going to stand in line for six hours to get in and they said no you can go with a lot of comments.

Talking to the microphone a lot of comments go through these special queue lines and I said all right I'll go to it and you go in front of a junior producer heated teams whether or not you're worthy enough to go in front of the executive producers which is all the NBC people you do that and then they they scare the shit out of you and they say I was explaining to somebody when I saw you on it, I was like, this is so perfect for him. Perfect.

I go because I could never do that show because my act, I have to, longer stories for you. I'm longer, but I kind of, I kind of create a hang, okay? But your act has always been so precise, so funny, so well written, and it's such a build-up, and it has a tempo to it. It's hard to follow, because you get people

into a rhythm. It's almost like music. And... A lot of jokes about music. But it's not music. But it's that upon that set-up. That show, it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music.

But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music.

But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. But it's not music. think it's unfair because I think there's things that I can do that, you know, other people are killing it.

I mean, it's that type of TV show. Yeah, it's that's that's the second you had 90 seconds. 90 seconds, 90 seconds, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but you need that kind of one line. Bill Caws may not do well. He's even right what a kill on it. Rodney would have killed on. Would Jim Carey do well on it?

No. You wouldn't. I mean, no. No. So I get very lucky to be on that show at that time. And you know, your father, my father-in-law, for all the things he said to me, he said, things always work out.

I'm telling you, they'll always work out. You'll find a way to make it work. And I'm looking at my bills going, this isn't going to work. I don't know how it's going to work. I'm on a cruise ship. You know, on the Caribbean, I'm making this much. My nut is this much. Our money, our savings is going down, nut up.

And then, sure enough, I get like fucking unicorns. But look, it's how we always live. Bobby, you've lived this way too. Like, remember the back of the day, you're like, you call Bill Burr, like, look, don't pay for your place, I'll pay for your place, I'll sleep on your couch, I'll do this. That's how we were.

We moved to New York on a wing in a prayer. You just didn't have the kids for that extra. Yeah, but here's the thing, here's the difference between you two and what I did. I went and the only woman in my life was my career and it's somehow I believe it's easier You know when you guys when you get married to another human being you're putting that first So the career is second and to do that at that stage. I wouldn't be able to do it

I had to go through a lot of shit. Me and Donna went through a lot of trials and a lot of I fucked up a lot to one day go, I'm going to lose this girl, right? And or I'm going to try to change who I am and keep her because is this more important than this shit over here? We went through that. You know what I mean? And what's the big picture? Yeah, you're gonna. But the big picture's hard to grab when you haven't you haven't got what you want yet. Bobby, we went through that. Tell him what I said to you about you said I want to fuck Bobby so at that and it made me uncomfortable.

When we broke up, you work harder and you got I'm the same moment did you break up we were going together for a little while we six years before he asked me to get married six Freaking years you don't rush in at things Bobby take a time and I'm like I'm like Tom whatever and what did you say you said? I don't think I want to get married. Maybe I want to be David Letterman. At the time was on the air. Talk to the people. I said, I said, I go, go, you're a jerk. I'll show them my tips. No, don't do that. Those are there, because I'll never delete that.

I go, he, I go, what did I say? I go, this was a long time ago, I said, and then you got to tell them what you said, what Dave Letterman said recently. When you just did the Mark Twain prize. I said to you years ago when before david melendom was married in our head kids i said go ahead b-day letterman he fucking hates himself go blow him goodbye she said that

she said some booze tonight i don't know if you know something like that a couple cocktails but did i say that yes or no she did she said a couple cut it but here's the thing let me just for my listeners uh what i I said a couple of cocktails. But did I say that yesterday? Yes or no? She did. She said a couple of cocktails. But here's the thing. Let me just, for my listeners, what I understand what you're saying is that there's these guys that don't get married. These guys that stay single.

They're married to their career. But a lot of those guys, at one point that I looked up to, regret it. And a lot of those guys wound up getting married, having kids, fuck kids, all of a sudden they have kids, fuck marriage, all of a sudden they're married. And I am so glad I did not rely on their information to fucking do what I did.

I'll tell you, two people in my life, Colin Quinn, when I fucked up that big time, and everybody. When you fucked up, when I fucked up big time. When I fucked up big time, when Don, me and Don were going to break up. I got you. Colin Quinn said to me, go try to get your shit together, become a better person, work on the rest of your relationship, and see if it works out.

In eight months, it doesn't, you can leave, knowing that you tried. But if you don't, you an eight months it doesn't you can leave. No one that you tried. But if you don't you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Where's the wisdom? And another guy said to me, Louis CK, who is one of the greatest dads ever, told me that I would be a great dad. And being a father will only make you funnier, not less funny Having a relationship with somebody having to take care of something else other than yourself Will make you funnier that will never because everybody's all you I always had in my head like you'd be less funny If you add research you won't you close tonight was stuff about max about a kid right

So Ray when are you you going to get married? But wait, tell him what. I'm not one of those guys who's opposed to Mary. No, he's not. He's just, he's got a lower standard. I love him. But he keeps answering for her. I'm literally, yeah, raising answering the question.

Briefly, she goes, coming to me and asking me to say something that she wants me to say. Tell him about the mark. No, he's doing good. What David Letterman said. Shut up. Carrie, Lizard, what did you say? He's a bookcase, this is the whole thing. What did David Letterman say? Shut up, Carrie. Liz it. What did you say?

What a whole thing. What did David Letterman say? David Letterman said, I'm gonna have to turn Mark 20 words to say that his marriage and that being a father was the best thing that ever happened to him. Obviously, quote, he also said that on his last show. Yeah, of the top of the list. But he, uh, yeah, his son Harry, his son Harry, his son Harry, his greatest thing to ever happen to him. Ray, do you want a wife? I would this is really an intervention What would you really want a wife? Yeah, I think we great that a wiping kid really yeah, I really do

And what do you know that you have to start banging other chicks? You know that you're doing it wrong Are you wearing the white the lower your your standards? You're gonna stop your husband's terrible. You got to stop. I don't really sleep around. Look, I did it in my 20s. Well, they come right to your room. 544, is it? He says his room on Sage.

Yeah, I would do if I was single. I get about a fake room. I get about a fake room. First of all, I'd have, when they carry, if I was single and they ask me at the front, how many keys do you want, I'd go 47. I would like around 47, 48 to be safe. Thank you. Listen, I really, I do want to know this. Because you are like a bachelor guy. You're

later, you're in your later years. Right? When most you want, when most guys, no, you're not. When most guys get married, I mean, I think comics get married now in their late thirties forties but I mean you're gonna have a kid you're gonna have to marry somebody young. The last woman I was involved with is she was a 30 that's good and she dated for a year yeah and she definitely she wanted to get married for sure but there's just something that there was just something that wasn't right,

like my instinct and it wasn't out of fear. My instinct just said, if I marry this person, this is going to end as opposed to going into something like, hey, this is gonna last. I used to want to go into it, thinking it's gonna be permanent. And I knew it would never be permanent. I don't want to do that.

Yeah, that was suck. Have you ever had that feeling that this is going to be? Yeah, it's once and it was not it was Ted that guy Ted This woman who I met who I just I was like oh my god everything seemed too perfect She was she was funny. She was smart. She was gorgeous. Her brother-in-law was a NFL quarterback. I mean, I'm like Well, I'm a big football fan. I mean everything about this was perfect and then it's one week and everything just disintegrated it just imploded and now the end of it. It was really something just like that. I was so like I've never seen in my friend. I'm like this is great like I'm freaked out like this is like a love it for a site like this is I remember saying to my friend, I'm like, this is great, like I'm freaked out,

like this is like a love at first sight, like this is, if we went on a road trip after like two weeks, it was awesome, like everything was perfect, and that was it. I think she got married, I'm pretty sure. Wow, like four years ago. Four years ago, four, five years ago. So you would have had a kid by now.

Yeah, probably. You probably would be here. You know he's got kids up. You wouldn't be here, you know that. I would not be able to do that. You would not be able to do the show. Unless my wife was a Rubin, I couldn't do it. So thank you for sacrificing your life.

Welcome. So we can't be so happy. So our feelings can never be bad. I do not have a wife or children. I do not have a family. My wife and my friends can help my friends come to a Rubin. So Freddie, the free loader, and Parasail and Sporkel. That's my purpose in life. That's why I'm here, says James Taylor.

I wanna give you, you know what? I'm gonna have my wife, I'm gonna have my wife give you a hand job tonight. You're a good man. Honey, do I have to give him a hand job? No, not again, honey. Not again. I already did to get the gig.

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and sale icons too. Support my sponsors, get your last minute gifts now, check it out. Thank you, Deep Discount. That wasn't so bad, wasn't? So let me ask you a question. Now, if it comes to the point, because you're doing your career now,

you're doing great, while you're doing great, dude. Everybody knows who you are, you're doing your career now, you're doing great. Well, you're doing great, dude. Everybody knows who you are, you're killing it. Now you're starting your career again. Now what if it comes to the point where her career, I mean, literally pops the fuck off. And we know that could happen in a heartbeat. It could happen now more than ever, because women, finally, are getting,

they want women in a comedy, they want women on shows, it's not a man's world anymore and it could definitely happen. Does that scare you at all? It does and I'll tell you why, I would, you know, obviously the money goes to the same bank account, that's all fine and, you know, we need to provide for our children and our retirement. However, I'm an old-school guy. He would have a problem with it. I'm with the guy, you know, we need to provide for our children and our retirement. However, I'm an old-school guy. He would have a problem with it.

I would be the guy, you know. So that would, I would deal with it. I'd be Mr. Mama, no comics who are to do that. Their wife is nine to five, and then they hand off the kid and they go into town and tell jokes. Yeah. I don't know if I could do that. I would try as hard as I could for the safety,

sake of our family, but I don't. He would have our family but I don't you would have a problem with it you should you should not have a problem with it maybe the universe is maybe you should start praying that what now I get you know that you know how comedy gods come my way in New York instead of your way I want to thank you for having us on this podcast this is really great what I, no, because here's the deal, Sherry. You could go out for America's Got Talent and try that. I could. And that would be a holy shit moment. And if for her to make it to the finals.

And they would like it, because they're not going to backstories. And they could just jump like a real woman. But here you are now really coming out and starting to do your shit again. And I don't think it's Too late or holy shit you should have done. It's a perfect time for you because you have so much like you said Back story in your own life being a mom being a wife taking care of a family all this shit You've done you know how hard life is you've raised these three great kids and you've taken. You know how hard life is. You've raised these three great kids and

you've taken care of a husband, okay, that's on the road, blah blah blah. Now you're coming out, you could, this could be a perfect time for you to come out and let's not, I'm gonna say it, your wife's smoking hot, she's a good looking woman and she's talented. A lot of here's the difference, a lot of of comics jerk off to her I work off on her. Oh my god. I know he had to make it. He was being serious. I was being serious. I almost had tears in my eyes. Feel her hair. And now I have to deal with that. This is what the women are talking about. American families. This is what the women are talking about do American family to do what you we got to we can imagine what it's your wife well

wait a second it's gonna be emails and emails America's good town I'm gonna have to edit this clip because Americans just go to the back story some assos gonna go and I jerk off on her yeah I'm gonna cut into that and she's gonna have to say throw you under the bus to make it

You know how to what my husband said was wrong and I So miss it. He doesn't know fun. This is God. How do you feel about your husband saying that he jerks off of you? It's it's wrong. It's you violated. Don't you feel violated? You'd have to say sorry We're soon to get divorced until he says he's sorry. Just say sorry. I was just joking. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. In a written email, I'm a Huffington Post.

Yeah. Now, can I ask you one question? Six inches. Yeah, right. I'm listening. Rice, maybe before. Maybe a long time ago. No, I'm listening.

I feel a long time ago. Now, longer now. With all this stuff going on in comedy, guys being taken down. All the stuff. Do you guys fight over that? Thanks for bringing that up with the wife two seats away from me. Do you guys, do you mean today take different points of view? Different point of view.

I don't know. I think we're taking the same point of view. I think we both agree that Louis is being abused. I really do. I really do. Louis never locked the door, never put his hands on anyone. He had a weird little, I mean, he's not a weird thing. He's not a weird little thing. He's not a weird little thing. Can you let her say all this? Yeah, go ahead. Because you say it means nothing. Go, baby. You're the widest guy ever. Yeah. She agrees.

Well, I mean, I think the real victim here is, well, I'm not going to take anything away from the girls, you know, whatever they suffer from that. And I'm glad they came forward, me too. That's awesome, that's great. But I do don't think that he got what he deserved. I mean, I don't think he should, in one day, his whole life crumbles, but it's really not about him. So I'm about him at all.

It's about companies afraid of losing money. It's all about the money and it's all about the advertisements. They don't want to lose that. Well, no, that goes back to, though. This public, I think, you know, setting up these, you can't just fucking shut a company down because a group of people say this fuck you. You know, there has to be some facts. There has to be some due process. We have to, as adults, say, and the companies have to do this too. You can't just run scared every time a group of people screaming yell at you.

You can't just cut ties and say fuck them. Some companies have to stick behind their talent or the people working for them and say, you know what, you're right about this. We're sorry, but this guy is a great dad. This guy is a good person and a great talent. And he made mistakes and he apologized and we're still moving forward.

We can't just fucking, you know what I mean? I don't like you. Sure. I'm much more need to Louis make for them. Because he's kids. Because he's kids. And his kids are gonna see this someday and that's what I feel bad for.

But I feel bad for his freaking manager, Dave Becky. I'm sorry to say. But what happened to him? You feel bad? No, no, I don't. He's the real asshole in this whole thing. Yeah, but here's the thing too. We don't know the story.

We don't know the story. We can't sit there and fucking trash. When you don't, you know, one, we're hearing one side of the story. We're hearing one side of the story. It's like law and order at the beginning. You think he did it. But it was that motherfucker. Dundan. We never got the fucking court case. He's afraid of losing the job. He left him. He's a manager. Why? I think he hushed those girls for years. Day back. He years ago, he's afraid of losing the shabby left him what was it doing why i think he has has those girls they back i don't know he has has those girls yet but what quiet quiet don't say anything

god knows what he said what he also supposedly he did that he did because he was it because we was married at the time and he didn't want to best of a hashosh but then all when the shit hit the fan he's like goodbye goodbye i don't know but can i say something to again we don't know the story and maybe years from now we'll hear it. No, no, no, no, no, no.

But you don't know that it really said listen I want you to walk away from me. Yeah, right. He could have. We don't know this. We're all making these fucking st, this is what I've done. I'm guilty too. We all make these statements like we are fucking We're experts in the field of this and you're right and and I have not

heard everything you're right I've heard some stuff that other people haven't heard that I can't say okay, because it's not my business, but I know this Like this this marriage between you two right? I mean you go on the show Let's just get back to that because we've talked about Louis a million fucking times but you go on the show now you guys you become a star you become huge could happen honey well you could get on the view you could get on anything you could be making millions of dollars or hundreds of thousands of dollars and you get a fucking uh... corporate gig for five years

but she's got a fucking gig that's paying this is what broke up out of the monkeys by the way is it going to and then showed up one day and he said i got a gig and i go we got a gig and his gig was way more money than i did and i said i this is the end of the group because you know what are we gonna do honey are we going to be in like Alan the monkeys I hope so I mean it did not work out

poorly for them if you count their blessings wow for two of them it didn't it's you the two I didn't sleep with you know what you have shitty judgments rich boss has the same you know thing going through his head with Bonnie could hit any moment you know Bern his head with Bonnie could hit any moment. You know, Bernadette Paulie could hit any moment. Aldo Sharm's got to think about that too. It's just, you know, you're going to have to adjust. That's the one thing I love that, you know, that I don't have to think about.

You think they feel that it's an advantage? Is that if Dawn was in the business? Yeah. We don't, like, I don't have to worry. It just makes it easier on me. Yeah. Because Don, I said to Don, you want to work, you can work. Do whatever you want to do.

And she was like, I want to stay home and I want to be a mom. That's what I like. I like cooking. I like, she cleans before the fucking made. She was like, you know what I mean? She does the same thing in torture as me. It makes me hurt too.

I don't do, I tell her to fucking. Oh, she's one of the biggest fights we ever had was over my shirts because I'm chubby and my shirts. You don't dry my shirts and she dried my shirts one day because it was easier and I said don't fuck it dry my shirts. My shirt has to fit the way it fit when I bought it. I put it on a skin tie. She goes, well, what the fuck, I don't want to,

I have to hang dry them. I go, here's the deal, honey. I'll pay somebody to do it. I won't, I don't do dishes. I've said that to her. I don't do dishes because I'll pay somebody to do it. And I don't do laundry because I'll pay somebody to do it. I go, you want to do it?

You have to do it the way I want it done. Or I'll pay somebody to do it. See, you have it right, right? Don't get married, dude. I have a family. Oh, you don't? Oh, yeah. I said, or she wouldn't get a housekeeper until I finally said, honey, you know, you

clean the house so much and you get mad at us when we make a mess of it. Let's just pay a housekeeper. What the hell? What the hell? Let's give some illegal immigrant some cash. There's not everybody wins. Everybody wins. She doesn't have to do it.

They don't clean the way I clean. I don't get nagged, everybody wins. There's a no lose situation, but it's still a fight. I still have to leave the house, a half out before the ladies come, because... Yeah, we got a lot to do in the basement, because the dog will attack the cleaning lady. I gotta leave the house,

because she wants to clean. I guess she wants to clean. I gotta clean up the cleaning lady. Jesus. I gotta yell that for leaving a dish in the sink before the cleaning lady's were coming. Yeah, you gotta clean for the cleaning lady. I wanted to get a crumb cake and eat it on the couch.

You have to hire cleaning ladies to clean before the cleaning lady's. It's a nightmare. But I don't have to worry about that, but you guys, not that you have to worry about it because I think in reality, Tom, if she did right now, go off and pop the fuck off, let me ask this question. Have you ever thought, and this is gonna kill you?

I can see it in your eyes right? It's gonna have me on the show. Have you ever thought of doing something together? We're here now. We're here for a movie. No, you know what I mean. Try to catch the eye. Trying to say, let's write this show or let's go to produce this thing.

Like Vos and Bonnie. We have. We're horse. We will do whatever they want. And right now there's a derth of that they need, you know, a married comedy couple. There's, you know, there aren't that many of us out there. You guys had a reality show. We had a reality show.

She made it. It was an episode. It was too funny. T.W.O. Funny. They made it. They made it. They made it.

They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made it. They made doing comedy together on stage. Yeah, and our twins were two and it was called too funny Yeah, so we went to Vegas went to LA shot as an episode in Montreal, New York the boonies and what happened?

We called it they've Merchandled canceled it after six episodes. It was literally brought to you by Tampex I'm not I'm not making that Wow It was on the woman's entertainment network. It was the most immaculate thing in the world. And it was edited by film students at UCLA because the guy who our producer took all the money and went out of business. And so they had that we still wanted to do the show. So they gave it to film students to edit.

They fired the director after the first episode. New director comes in. It was a train wreck from the get-go. And you managed it. Six episodes. And then my manager was going to call it three funny, because he had to be in every episode. He had some manager.

Who was your manager? Peter Rose Garden. OK. You were in every episode? Yeah. And if he was in every episode. He shoes were in it. They were like, God, what's this?

Who shoes are in it? And we find out that it's in every episode. He met Well, and he just happened to be in every episode. So at the producers, you're like, what's the hell? We were joking. It we just happen to be in every episode so and it would at the producers like we would go in it was a joke of con a three funny but but uh... anyway so if we get asked all the time we just did the thing with the the cooking guy came to our house and shut up violent yes so that i'm married comedy couple do some stuff right

it's just that it's good that the the stars could be a lot yeah already will do it i'll do it in the heartbeat. I Enjoy your company. I know a lot of guys married 16 years alike. I want to get away from my way. This is fun Well, we all went to the other day me carry Tom and the three kids You could tell that Tom and carry genuinely enjoyed me again. Why the fuck is the Kelly's left out of that scenario? You were there? Yeah, including your fucking scenario, right? Well, we all went historically.

I was in a time. Fuck. He saw the clock suck. He saw we were, we were, we were, I don't know, we were doing each other. I was like, what are we doing each other under the palm tree? We all rode together in the same car, I'm trying to bill you out, right?

We all came and said, you guys showed up in your car. I think I'm in my van, right? Yeah, because we can't fit in this fucking car. I'm trying to bill you out right we all came in the same car You guys showed up in your car right because we can't fit in this fucking late you came in late But five minutes you fucks Sorry Look like a great You and Don and Max are also snorkeling with us. Yeah, we were I can't go out to the fucking I can't go out to the boat I got a feast four and a half. I'm sorry Tom and Carrie seem to generally really enjoy Company both in and out of order. Well, you don't think me and don't mean I let me taste

All you guys go on great, but we're talking about these sets the two of them really You're talking about that. Let him talk for the love of You're talking about this to them. The fuck Tom. Who's something help me out? I amplifying your point Bobby. I'm gonna have to shut the comments off on this fucking video You were amplifying your point about the uh by the two of them getting along That's all well. I'm saying that we look normally. I love my wife. I love hanging with my wife. I I could that's what I say my act. It's just we're compatible. I can be with dawn all fucking day every day I mean we fight a little bit of any fights all day. Would you want to be with you all day? Of course Shut the fuck up. Yes, of course

It's it's it's just Like we're just Compatible we can be with each other all fucking day every day. We've come here before you came here We came to a room. This is your 16th trip to Rubas. That correct? This is we've been here. Yeah, probably 16 times Bobby's a real a Rubarek. It's not get carried away the ray Bobby's bobbing a robot total of 20 weeks. I've been here Five years

Listen, you Bobby could be the room. I'm gonna look now ray. Listen. you... Bobby could be the room beret. No, Ray, listen, I'm not going to take anything away from the room beret. Would I ever dare do this? You thought of it, Ray. I've never had a hat. You could be a room beret. No, what I'm saying is that we used to come here all the time and spend, we come here twice a year, spend two weeks here all day.

We would, I mean, every day, all day, love see i mean every day all day love being together all the time i love being with my wife but if i was in a show with her if we were on tv i've had people come off of me hey we want to come and film no fucking way you ain't coming into my life it was i don't mean my wife on friends on

facebook we're not she's not on my twitter we i don't post shit with my wife we don't let and my wife on friends on Facebook. We're not, she's not on my Twitter. I don't post shit with my wife. We don't, that's why I like he, I get annoyed at him because he posts my wife. I let him do it because he has built me. I have before. I didn't remember that.

I would have taken it that. I've told you three times. When did you tell me? A lot when we're here. I tell you do. Not this trip. I'm sorry, I gotta do it every time. I remember.

Anyways, it's why I get to the next mission. I the other way with it because you're posting it in your fans You know you like to see everybody having yeah, you have given fucking 38 people So I said my son had a summer on your wife. I think it's fine But I we very rarely do I do that. I don't have a I post my son here and there because my my fans like Maximus but my wife that world is over here, and she wants nothing to do with it. That's great. That's how most comics are.

They married someone with a 401k and a healthy, you know, nine to five job or whatever. And that's what you, you married a civilian. But we were getting into when we got into this. You wish something different now, Tom? I wish you were an ares. I wish you were double-jointed. I wish there's a lot of Tom. I wish you were an ares. I wish you were double jointed I wish there's a lot of things that I wish but I'm very happy with my

Relationship I double-jointed But I know what it means. You really don't want that I'll talk about it throw up with that just the hips and that fucking You're gonna want a bone weird fetish buckle That's weird I love it. It's great though though. Because I was wearing too. Like what if I hated Dawn? Yeah.

You guys never hung out together before? No. Oh. And she's so weird. You understand that I was, they were a couple. There was, all right, in comedy, there's these couples, Aldousham, you, Fitsy, I don't even say burr, you know know these couples never were together i was always a single guy

always always this guy out like you like out in the fucking mix like you yeah so i i came into this it's been ten years but i'm in this world now so i think in a few years ago we found out that uh... i would always follow you guys on Facebook and stuff and I was real happy when you got the show and I would see your kids and I was

always like, you know, I was like, oh, this is great, I love the family. And we were drilled with your many successes because if it's, you know, we like the old guys from Boston. It's just a very clicky thing. But it's, yeah, it is very clicky, but it's a weird thing to, I'm part of this family thing now, you know? So, and you've embraced it.

I love it. Very well. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love being a dad. I love being a husband, and I love having a family.

It's that, to me, when I walk up my driveway, I feel, I smile. All the other shit, it's like, it makes that gig when you get that gig, that's maybe a little shitty or whatever. You're like, yeah, fuck it. Part of the goal of the end is coming to your house. Coming to your house.

That driveway, you're right. Yeah, now we just get a fuck it. I, you're gonna make at least a couple million. That's all I need, and I'm out. It's coming Couple million I'm gonna I'm gonna do a raise thing four times a year. I'm gonna come down here This would be one of the only gigs I do. It's the best gig ever. I want to be like a Rubo raise Like like I want to become so famous here. He has to book me all the time like the whiz bob

Whizbob Kelly is a guy's coming in next week. I This week though. I got a Pete Lee and Jared Fried who? If it doesn't work out come to Curacao Kerry has a new club open air so yeah That's what I'm gonna do because I'm not gonna get famous song I have to do something never know you never know Suca Salad was famous for a little while Suca Estello could be on the verge again really good listen man with my I'm telling you right now There's nobody in I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm just saying that, I mean, as a girl became massively successful. I've never seen it during the World Cup. Very early on.

I'm seeing promos as a costella. Very early on. On the bottom of the screen, or in the World Cup. Which Colin Quinn will this day will always say one of the funny shows that got canceled, shouldn't have got canceled. What was the costella? He said that the costella show was hilarious. Let's see on it.

No. Nope. How many episodes did they earn? Did Sue Payham to say that? No. How many episodes there? I don't know. But I remember. I think she got screwed with that whole baseball thing.

What? Her wasn't that the pitch, his pitch, he was going to be like some baseball world series. He was going to have this huge pitch, and he pitched that pitch, and that was her debut, and just the timing was off. What? I remember.

You'll let it out that part of the box. I think she's meant like, we're a little bit going, what are you saying, she and I are a member. She even said, after you watch the game, I'll be right on after the game and she had the baseball all right so there was a game that ran later something like that yes her show have been played in the bomb and it was it was

uh... some guy who's the best picture ever is now fat and not good what's his name don't know my wife have a joke about them i do and i want to know notice how I'm trying to do I know I know the number 32 pitch the 32 pitch whatever anyway that ruined her Yeah, here's a question. So do you guys want to get massages tomorrow? Yes, yes, yes, I get a massage Let's go. So what kind of massage? I want to drive to the 70 bucks for an hour one. Alright, let's do that. I'll do that one too.

Wait, are you taking the kids with you? Because I'm... We're going to do it with a kid. No, you're broads are going to watch the kids. Yes, see? You're lucky. See this? You have a maternal instinct that we don't have.

See how this all happens? You'll do it, yes! Yes! Yes! What do you want to get a massage? No, I don't. She doesn't want to be home with the kids either. You know what? you want massage me?

You should get a suck it up when I go get it on the side. Now you're going to be comfortable with YouTube being in a room getting massages and I'm in another room getting massage. What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, the massage place says two massage rooms. One of them has two massage rooms. Why can't I have the private massage next to him?

You two get the so... You two get the so... You're like 10 feet apart. Why don't you be that sobabi? Hey. Do I have to listen to the happy ending next door? First of all happy ending plays is the legitimate massage real even hear me though. I do this You squeal I squeal I go

By the way if you heard the death The cleaning lady yes, that's why I check it out. It's great because it's nice and quiet. They don't yell to each other. She skid, first of all, that's untrue. She skid the shit out of me four times. Because I'll come up behind her and I'll tap her. She goes, no, no, no, no! And I'm like, oh God, screams.

Screams. And then, wait up the conner. She's the best. But I got an app for her. I love her. I got a sign language app where you speak into it and you go, I need extra towels. And then as a cartoon character, that will...

Wow. He's so excited. She was so excited. She was like, oh, oh my, no, no. And she came back with cups. It's a stack of cups. Well, the app hasn't been prepared yet. There should be app.

It's a sheet of app. What a sweet woman. It's great. I have tipped her $10 bill every day. Good. That's nice. Well, tell us what I thought before we saw you before we thought we thought some girl was getting what we thought some girl was going.

We you know, we thought we were living next door to a retarder person. I don't mind that either. That or you you asked me if someone retarded or someone getting off. Maybe it's a retardarded person getting off. Because she was meaning exclusive. She was moaning. Sounded that. Want massage just tomorrow?

Not no jet skiing, massages. Are we talking about? Yeah, I mean, we're still doing the podcast. So maybe we could do this after we do the podcast. I think you're like, you know, what we might be up to tomorrow. Why don't you find out? What are your listeners? What are your listeners? What are your listeners?

What's your target audience? Oh, it's fucking, it's like this the worst. My fans, it's good to know. Actually, you know, there was a lot of, I had three fans from my podcast here. One of them was 14. Oh god. He came up to me, he's at the show and he goes,

big fan of the You Know What Do podcast. I'm sure he must love all this talk about marriage and children. Well, i'll tell you why it's interesting if carry lets me get this out it's interesting because comics for people who are in the car people in the comedy uh...

i think the biggest fear for young comics mail-in female is I think the biggest fear for young comics, a male and female, is being able to live a regular life, a quote unquote, having a life outside of comedy. Other than going to parties all night, trying to connect with industry and smoozing and blah, blah, blah, and trying to get the next gig and trying to, you know, climb your way up to the top. There's a certain point you get where you have to be happy with where you're at and you can evolve as a human and be happy outside of this fucking shit business. And Bobby's done that.

I think you've done it too. I think Ray's done it too and I think raised on it done what exactly not really but he will saw that he if he meets some hula dancer down on fucking baby beach I'm just skiing tomorrow how did you take a last night let's talk about that I have a lovely date Colombian chair nice time look at Carrie that was a good one that was a good girl oh she wants to host her will you please get her a fucking zoom? You need to get me a hosting job but God thanks

You guys do a podcast together Look at dumb listen you guys should do a podcast together. It would literally be Tom Tom doesn't want to do any of this shit. No, I do Would you do a of this shit. No I do. Is this black ass? Would you do a black ass with your wife? No. No. People keep talking. He's gonna edit all of them.

I'm talking. I'm the host. Shada. Oh my god it'd be the best part. It'd be her yapping and you going, yeah honey. Guys, boys, stop it. Put that down. Tommy?

Tommy? No. Tommy? Give me your phone. Give me your phone. It's the equivalent of a timeout I'm sorry, absolutely listen to me. That's what we do. We yank their phones from it was great But they are debilitated We're gonna wrap this up right now and go for it and both you guys can answer this yeah Jet skiing no, I want to know about

I don't hit my kid. And I try not to yell at him, like, shut the fuck up. Be quiet. I try not to yell at him. I've yell at him a couple times. And I've actually apologized to Max about it, too. I said, I'm sorry for raising my voice. I was, you made me scared It's usually when he scares me when he's gonna run in front of a car or get hurt when I get that way

But do you guys did you ever hit your kids? Truth be told yes, and I will tell you this about spankings on the youngest of six If your kid runs into a busy street three times and you've told him the first two and he still does it the third time about scaring your parents, that's a whack on the ass. I'm sorry, obviously the words aren't getting through to him. Now do we hit our kids? No, but we choke him out and they always tap.

They're pussy. They're really pussies. They're mom's out of the family. We don't hit our kids. It's been, we probably can count on one hand how many times we hit our kids. If we're holding a calculator, but the thing is, hey, oh, no. It's all time outs now. It's all time outs, but there is, you know, when the time outs don't work and the phones don't work and there are times where we had like once or twice

and that was it. Did you yell it? Now, what about yelling at your kids? Like, we yell. We yell. We yell at them. So you'll tell them, you knock it off. Yeah, really?

Yeah. We don't swear at our kids. I have to. I have two 14 year old boys who, by the way, each individually could probably kick the shit out of me now So I'm not gonna hit him now. I could tell you that but They won't listen like tonight just today Fighting wrestling just play wrestling. They're having fun in the hotel. I go dude. We're guests here

We're you know we were invited here. You can't make noise there's someone right on the other side of that wall And they two seconds later. They're right at it again, and I'm like We were invited here. You can't make noise. There's someone right on the other side of that wall and they Two seconds later they're right at it again, and I'm like Yeah, after a while I got to raise my voice. What how did you do it like show me? No Because you'll shit your pants was it that loud? No, what no, I can't I mean But when I grip my teeth and I speak in a certain tone they know that I'm not screwing around I'll say you're on zero tolerance, and that's when they know. Because I mean last night, there was a couple moments with Max, he's losing his mind this time because he's older, he's more verbal, he's not the same cute little kid

that's been coming to Aruba, that, you know, Google Gaga. Right. Now he's, you know, gets mad and, I mean, he's a four-year-old. Right, a four and a half-year-old. So it's like, it was pretty, you know, gets mad and hanging. He's a four year old. Right, a four and a half year old. So it's like, it was, it was pretty, it gets a little taxing. And, and you, I don't want to, I don't want to whack my kid.

And I don't even like yelling at him. But last night, I had to yell at him a little bit. I had to tell him, I had to tell him, hey, knock it, you know, knock it off, get over it. And I started his eyes. It was like, who's that? Like who the fuck are you? That's, it's got to have that come to Jesus moment, though,

where you're the silverback. You're the alpha dog, and he's got to know that you've pushed the buttons too far, and now this is it. As long as you keep that to a minimum. Yeah, well, you're good. Now, what about your wife? Can you hit your wife? No.

She's Lebanese. Again, she's used to it. But I don't do it. I would say the time Donna was beat me up. There's dogs from Everett. And we got a big fight in LA once. And I remember I did something. And I threw chicken at her by accident.

I hit her with raw chicken and the fat ass in it. So I had a go. I went to throw it off the balcony and it slipped out of my hand. I want to just throw it and it slipped and slapped. Raw chicken. Man, when I hit her face, the slap sound, you couldn't have, you couldn't have had a studio make a better fully slap sound And I remember how mad she got Don does he imagine she's like you she's kind of quiet. You get a chicken to a face. Woof She she called me kid. She goes kid. I'm gonna fucking kill you

Come again. How long does this? You know a left's coming. Left's coming. Before they had a kid. Well, all right, listen, this has been a great podcast. I know I've been I'm glad that it's weird that you know people at the beginning of your career and you kind of fade away or go away. And now I was sudden because of families and friends and Ray and that we got to hang out this weekend and I tell you well you're a family friend right I mean you're what you're one a friend of my family yeah yeah that I fix it you did you are we love

Ray me and my wife love Ray and Max loves Ray too it's like I'm glad that we got to hang out this weekend and our kids got to hang out. And these are the moments in comedy where you get to enjoy yourself with other comics. It's not a road gig, it's a fun fucking gig. And then these guys are getting a killer show. Yeah.

And we got to work your rent over half an hour each. Max, tonight, crazy. Yeah,, you know max tonight, you know crazy Yeah, if you saw on Facebook everybody's like what a show what a show They made yeah the shows on here are great. They really are you do put together good show. Thank you Thank you very much. Yeah, you really do Everybody wants to come to a room, but you know what you're like a great guy to work for all right That's enough. I just take it over my fucking show again. I was trying to wrap it up and I'm braille building up rain and she fucking takes it over I didn't get it around you. Rubik comedy.com a Rubik comedy.com

Carry what you carry what's your what's your information? Carry actually has a book out that I bought I know I want to give it to you I bought a fear I wanted to support you that was very nice very nice When someone comes over the book that I know I try to buy it. I'm not gonna read this shit, but I'll buy I would rather the money than the But you have a book what's the name of your book? It's called mean mommy. Yeah talk to them now It's called mean mommy because we need more mean mommy's in the world i'm gonna i'm gonna book bad dad bad dad

how you did i didn't buy that book horrible parents i will buy that book tonight no you won't why would i not i'm gonna buy i'm gonna buy it no i'm gonna buy it i'm gonna buy a copy yeah i'm gonna buy a copy i'll put it on my i-pad no i'm not gonna read a hard copy

i'm gonna read a hard copy I'm gonna buy a copy of the average film of the spirit quick on Instagram Ray comedy on Instagram Ray give all your stuff buddy Ray comedy on Instagram Ray Ellen on Facebook a Rubik comedy.com Ray comedy.com You know I room 559 my own fuck Ray dot org. You know I own that though. Yeah, I do yeah 559. You know, I own fuck raid.org. You know, I own that. I do. Yeah. Go daddy. What's that cost you a year?

10 bucks. Nice. Where'd everybody? What? I call you need to know. Who'd you buy it off of? It was available. What club owner did you buy it off of?

Ah, you're f- What's up? Carry, what else you got? I got carryluise.com, spell it with an eye, not the wire the wire you get the porn star you know about you caught her you don't have that does that bug you no I said I will take my wife didn't if she went by I fuck I'd I'd fuck an Elbor right there stage name she was stage name before we America you know but you caught it you know you don't want the last name it's all legal it's legal it legal. But you don't want Coddy, you want Kerry Louise? Well, if he's Seinfeld status, I'll do definitely Kerry Coddy.

It's a good name to the Seinfeld right now. Ask it here, but you won't. But look at what if I make it big, he has to be Tom Louise. I'm a horror honey. For the money, I'll be Tom Kerry Louise if you'd like me to be. He'll be Tom Kelly. I'll be. All right, so what else do you have?

Anything else? That's it. All right, Kerry, thanks for coming on. And being my co, apparently my co-host. Sorry. Tom, what do you got? AIDS. I have a lot of money.

That's not funny anymore. That's not funny anymore. Because AIDS can be cured. It's plenty. That's not even a bad thing. That's, I say, I never cold. I have, it's tomcotter.com. It's at tomcotter.com. It's at TomCotter.com

Instagram. Oh my God, you're the worst at this. You're such a fucking humble douchebag. I'm not. You don't like any of that shit. Tom, I'll tell you a book, honey. I got a book. It's bad dad. Right? Yeah. And go see, I mean, Larry, I mean, these two funny. Go see them. I hope you guys get a show. I really do yeah, I hope you get a show and you guys are gonna be our No, be a great show. Hit me a great show is a guy was a married single dad You know fucked up little trouble and then you guys were our friends But you guys are perfect. You said a married single man. No married dad But fucked up just a fucked up dad.

Right. And you guys are our friends, there's perfect twins and the other kid. And you lived kind of in the better section of town. And you came over once in a while. And you really made me sick to my stomach. You lived in the Westchester, we're in Rockland. So it's already the Rolls-R-R-Everse.

Oh, really? That'd be a stretch. You fucked up dad. That'd be a big stretch for you. Big acting career. I, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, listen, you guys are the best fans. This is from Aruba. I Want to get this in poolside again. Aruba Ray, Terry Louise and Tom Carter and me, you know what, third? We'll see you guys Next week on the podcast later. What's up, dude? What do I get for Christmas, dude? I'll tell you right now, we'll go to Brooklyn and dot com and get yourself a pair of high quality sheets, luxury bedding at a very discounted rate.

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