Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Live from Just for Laughs 2018

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Live from the Montreal Just for Laughs Comedy Festival! W/ guests Gary Gulman and Chris Distefano Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey everybody, welcome to the 36th edition of the Just for Lapse Festival, presented by Bell in collaboration with Lotto Cabec. Comedy Pro is proud to present today's podcast. Now, no one wants to hear your phone go off during the show, so please take that last perfect selfie or tweet about the awesome show that you're about to see. Don't forget to include the hashtag JFLMTL and then set your phones to silent and put them away.

Also, please note that during the show the use of any phones, cameras, or audio video recording is strictly prohibited. For all things just for laughs, check out ha ha ha dot com and don't forget to download this year's new JFL app, available on iOS and Android. Now that we've got all that out of the way, sit tight. The show starts in a minute. Enjoy! you Do I look at least you know what dude live at wow those are fucking Canadian shins right there Holy shit dude Yeah, you should be those of two pale with tattoos

Tribals yeah flip flops on with the fuck a deal in that elephant the the line down elephant Yeah, but the other thing on his shin that coated fucking white guy shitty as an ocean They look like they're like water shoes Are they water shoes? Yeah, that's good. It's you know, it's fucking practical to rain in a lot Absolutely, you know, they have for rain called shoes regular shoes they cover the whole foot Yeah, look into it you fucking lunatic. What's the other fucking weird fucking You can do it, you fucking lunatic. What's the other fucking weird fucking eyeball

with a fucking half a foot and a Metz logo? What did you get a black belt and something? What is that? That's logo. It's an eye-changed symbol that says Bobby Kelly. Dude, first of all, my self-esteem's too low to do that. Because I actually got excited. I was like, I have a fan.

I have somebody go to tattoo. You have a tattoo with me? All right, we'll get a fuck tattoo and then we'll talk. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Welcome to the, you know what, dude, podcast. I have a beautiful guest on today. My favorite people and of course to my right, Gary Gummel and my longest friends, he shouldn't like me because he's way too funny and way too smart.

But somehow we get together like you. I love you. I love you. I worship you. Oh, if I was gay, I would sleep with Chris first and then you. Because you're too intimidating. At least he's my height. We got Chrissy Day.

I know, right? Look, it isn't even fun. Yeah,, right? Look at his name. Exactly. The Beirage Boys. And the Hyenas on Riotcast. And then we have Ms. Pat. Hey girl, how y'all doing? Hey!

Ms. Pat was supposed to be here. But your voice was hurting hurting so I replaced her Kyle you're Barely black I think Chris is more like you never I'm kidding it's a fucking joke Kyle grooms. I've known you for a long time. I've been longer than I've known Chris Yeah, actually, yeah since Miami improv days My god, yes. So thank you for filling in from this path.

All right. Not all the way. That was a fat joke. Because she's chubby. I can do that. You can't. So we're here in the festival. Now, how many times is this your event

in the festival? This is my fourth. Fourth? Fourth in that. No. Oh, OK. Chris this your, you've been to the festival? This is my fourth. Fourth. Fourth. Fourth and that. No. Oh, okay. Chris, what about you?

You, you, you probably, let me just guess. This is probably your third time. Yes. Right? And you, the first time you came as a new face. Yes. So excited. Yeah.

All kinds of magic happened for you. Yeah. You did one show and they surrounded you like a princess. Birds came down. Maw, fucking Canadian. Whee, motherfucking Canadian landed on your shoulders. Yeah, right? Yes. And you were upstairs at that party and move, conversed, hey, and what's your name?

And thank you like a pocket full of cards. You're going to go up to your room with business cards from all these people, ABC, NBC, CB, FX, you fucking hulu Netflix. Yes. And you were like, woo, and, FX, you fucking hulu Netflix. And you were like, woo, and then nothing happened. Yep, and then all that. And now I have a show on riot cast. Yeah.

I'm filling in for Miss Pat. She missed a flight, so I came with no kids. Now I did, this is my second time here. I haven't been for Miss Pat. She missed a flight, so I can't even know him. Now, this is my second time here. I haven't been here since 2002. 16 years ago, I did new faces. Yeah. What the fuck? You haven't been here this the first time since?

Yeah, and they didn't even invite me back this time. I had to sneak in through LOL. I'm doing this the first time. 2002 is all really nice of us. African-American new face. Was it really? I don't know. It's all really nice to be African American New Face. Was it really? What? And you know who did it?

The other time, Todd Lynn was a new face. He's dead. Yeah. The last time you did it, people were alive. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. That's holy shit a long time ago. We have been, yeah.

Reels. Did you ever do new faces? No. Yeah, I did. Got damn it. I didn't get a fuck. They wouldn't bring me for a new face ever. Really? I love that that didn't shock anybody in this crowd.

Now one per, you're like, yeah, yeah. We wouldn't bring you either. I think it's a huge oversight. Well, that I didn't be, I was brought up nasty show right away. And again, who was it? Robbie, I think, and then my first show up here was with David Tell, Nick DePolo, Louis CK, and Jim Jeffries.

Wow. That's the show. I was like, shit in my pants. I got no huge fight with Nick. I was mad at Nick. Because you know, I love Nick DePolo. He was hosting and as I'm coming off, a huge fight with Nick. I was mad at Nick. Because you know, I love Nick, the baller. He was hosting, and as I'm coming off, first show, he's like, where the fuck did you steal those jokes?

And I come downstairs, fucking like a little lion pacing. I was more in shape back then. Well, I would use a different animal now. But, so, and I'm like, Lou, he's like, what's wrong? I'm like, fuck a neck, what the fuck? You know, I fuck him, just doing, I gave him a big speech because I love monologuing. And he's like, dude, what the fuck?

Well, I would say that, but it turns out that he was like, you're so funny now. He was being, he was being, dude, you're so funny. You must have stole that joking, because that was amazing. It's insecure cock sucker I am. I was flattening the Apollo. Imagine if that, if I just suck up on it.

That would have been a good fight back in the day. Now he'd destroy you, but that would have been a good fight. That would have been a good fight back in the day. I was gonna try to think, I got nothing. You're absolutely right. I pulled that out. I just saw him a couple of days ago. He was just, yeah, he was great. I pulled the hammy going up got nothing you're absolutely right. Yeah, I just saw him I just saw him a couple days ago He's yeah, yeah, I pulled the hammy going up Mount Royale with miss Pat

You could have saw us three fucking chubs. Oh, I was walking out. You think they were giving away free donuts at the top of the hill It's a Nathan for you episode. Yeah, that's a two-in-side way again What are you gonna do? They all don't hit. Most of them don't. So, you don't have to tell us we know. Yeah, I fucking hate myself. I sat in front of 24 C coming out here. Are you mumbling to your stuff? Next to the death, I'm just saying I'm scumbag.

What are you saying? We're listening. I hate it. Oh, my girl, my kid's mom took all my money. So. I don't know what's happening right now. I don't know. What the fuck are you okay? I live with a man dog matter and I'm not okay. Please don't let it happen right now. All right. Okay, listen, did you, you have no money? No, I have,

I have, I'm okay, but you know, things, you know, you got to pay taxes and then, uh, yeah, the judges in New York, it's like everything just goes to the woman judges. Yeah. Oh, okay, you know court You know, you know, if you're talking to me and everything goes to the mother of your child Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, but my kid get I love my kid, but I mean, you know, I fucking I know she's I want her to get it But I mean, you know, I fucking her mom's you know, does she need a BMW? I mean, you know, my kid's not driving that thing You know my kid all my kid need a girl drives a beamer because of you? You know how crazy it is? My girlfriend has leased a beamer and doesn't even have a license. How nuts is that?

Oh, wow. Yeah. I would love to meet her boyfriend that he'll put her on the run. War on met him and he's a big fucking guy. He's put her in. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, he's like, yeah, he's huge. He's like, he's a big fucking kid.

He can't fuck with him. No chance. I never would anyway. Does he have a neck tattoo? How far do the tattoos go up? Take a walk. No, yeah, no, he's got a chest tattoo, which is here.

Right off the chest, yeah. You're in trouble. Yeah. Yeah, if he had a co-efficient as arm, you could take him. He's got some type of Jesus on his chest and a crown behind his ear, you fucked. Yeah. No, I'm doing all right.

Yeah, you doing all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyle, you haven't been up here since 2002. be had his ear you fucked yeah no I'm doing alright yeah you're not right yeah yeah Kyle you haven't been up here since 2002 that's right after the towers went down yeah yeah yeah I mean that's a long time yeah I know I don't even think I got an audition to come back since 2002 and I'm a great comic people absolutely don't think I'm a little bit foolish. Grind back, the entire time we're up here. Well, here's the thing you can say is that you're back now.

Yeah, right, because it is, look, I don't come back every year, every other year. But listen, the thing is, no. I mean, sometimes you come back, sometimes you don't, but they try to get, the one thing they do with this festival that's really good Unlike other festivals because you do other festivals God bless their hearts. It's just one type of comic It's just one if this is what we like go and we'll sprinkle it this place has it all

Yeah from around the world every fucking show big shows little shows one man, they have podcasts, they literally do it all. I mean, when you're on a show, you're on a show with everybody, right? I mean, it's pretty amazing. And then they do all the other stuff, like the Irish show, the storytelling shows. I mean, they get it all in, and they do bring people back who haven't been here in a while.

I mean, you're a good comic, not as good as us, but you're good. What? I mean, Jeff L. is pretty much a barometer for good, come on. You're good. Barometer. Hey, impressive. Fuck you, Galman.

Barometer, yeah. Is it really impressive to you? I think so. It's a good word, right? It's one of the last words I thought you would use today. We took out. I use it a lot, though. A list.

It's one of those dumb guy things where you learn a word and you just kind of use it. We try to use it everywhere. Walking to an ice cream shop. What's the parameter of the ice cream? I've been saying a big witness a lot lately. Why? And you've been saying it wrong. It's ubiquitous you dumb day go.

Well guys, I'm sorry to announce that just for last has you have to go again Kyle Kyle will see you in 2025 Don't leave. No. I can't make a heart. Just sit over there. You can't make a believe. We, um, now Miss Pat, I'm sorry. No, I'm kidding. Come here, I'm going to get a photo of you.

I'm here in Assa. Bobby Kelly, I'm going to get a photo of you. I was going to tell you, Rob, you can't put a black man in the back like that. In the corner. Not anymore. Miss Pat, how you doing? Well'm fucking voices going out. I am so damn tired. I'm too old for this shit I'm at the point where I want to do cocaine and I've never done drugs

Do you want to do some coke? No, I don't rob a damn It was a joke like coke. I mean pizza or something later me and you oh, fuck you a piece up This why do you go to the gym? He go and walk five miles and eat ice cream cone. I'm like, you defeating the fucking purpose, Rob. No, I'm not. I don't wanna fucking get like these guys. I wanna maintain this.

What? It looks good, yeah. I'm trying to maintain this. I like this. I like a little round belly. Yeah. But do you know how much more dick you got in you? How much dick I got in you if you,

if some shit would back up. Papa, this is bad. I'm telling you, you got a black man dick up on an estomac. Oh, you, first of all, this is bad. If I don't, it doesn't matter what size dick I had, my wife's not touching it, okay? She's not touching it. And you what I can my dick is nice if you get rope Wrap it around my nuts and shaft and then wrap it to a door and shut the door and if I walk forward

My dick is there. Okay. Here you go. That's a lot of work. That's a painful Look at he ain't saying shit cuz he's like I have none of those fucking problems. I You have a big peepee Yeah, my shit. I Why do you get blacker? That's a dick question. We're gonna see it's 100% That's a dick question. We're gonna say it's 100% correct. Yeah, look.

That's what you do. That's what you do. I have a problem. His dick got a driver's license. I'll tell you who's got a big pee pee up here. Who? I'll tell you who's got a big piece. I want to tell you about this new company.

Well, not new. They were on my podcast all the time. Brooklyn and dot com. I got their sheets in my bed. They're the most comfortable sheets I've ever had in my life. This new company, well not new, they were on my podcast all the time, Brooklyn and .com. I got their sheets in my bed. They're the most comfortable sheets I've ever had in my life. They're the winner of the best online bedding company for good housekeeping. It's like, I don't think, 20,000 five star reviews.

It's incredible. I love them. I put them on my bed. You know, sometimes these people sign you stuff. You're like, okay, I'll use it and whatever you might ever use it again on my bed bought another pair I got three pairs at my house and the name is Brooklyn broke. I got to put it on my book linen. Oh, Brooklyn. Brooklyn. It's a creative name. It is. It's unbelievable. So check it out. So I mean, it's unbelievable. Yeah, they're yeah, they're based in Brooklyn and they're not your typical typical New Yorkers

You know, I mean who is anymore? They live in the city that never sleeps yet. They're committed to bringing you the best sleep ever Founded in 2014 by husband and wife Vicki and Rich Phillips And their dog docs they would do which is What is pronounced dukes you did oh my god? I was gonna say what a weird name for I like that name docs though Duke's cool. Yeah, they're mission five star hotel quality sheets to everyday life. Luxury sheets without the luxury markups, okay? Most betting the markup is 300% by the time it gets to you.

Their method, take out the middle man, keep things personal, just between them and the customers from design to manufacturing to customer service and beyond. Small businesses approach, that's the way they do it, from being run by a husband and wife team, involved in every step of manufacturing. That's what I love about. Well, let me ask you, did I got different colors and materials to choose from?

Yes or no? Yes. Yes, they do, and that's all I need to know, because I like all different colors and materials to choose from when I'm choosing my linens. Yeah, and they have, yeah, it's old-fashioned spirit, despite totally modernizing an old industry. Sheets don't just feel great. They look great too, because of that very thing right there.

Brooklyn and Sheets are the best sheets, most comfortable sheets. I've ever slept on Chris. I absolutely. I would love I want Vicki and Rich full up to adopt me. That's what I love their sheets. Brooklyn.com is given away excuses off to my listeners, $20 off and free shipping when you use promo code what dude at brooklin dot com brooklin is so sure you'll love these sheets that they offer risk-free sixty-nine satisfaction guarantee lifetime warranty on all their sheets and governors the only way to get the twenty dollars off and free shipping is used promo code what bet uh... what dude what dude

brooklin dot com that's brooklin dot com promo code what dude bro dude? Brooklyn.com. That's Brooklyn.com. Promo code. Brooklyn.com. The best sheets ever. Relax. You're excited, you are. Yeah. So, my God. Let me talk it.

Chris, Chrissy, these got a big piece. I've sent it out. Right next to you. This kid that looks like one of the new kids, but got old. I've got tits. Not only big dick, I've sent my penis to Robert. You have a big dick, so you run a train and you're going to get a big dick. Right next to me, this kid that looks like one of the new kids but got old. Yeah. Fuck on tits. I have a big dick.

Not only big dick, I've sent my penis to rock. You have a big dick, so you run a train on a cheek with a black man, do you realize you just average? You know what? When I play basketball in high school and college, and I've seen a lot of dicks, a lot. You shouldn't say that. You sound like Tim. I don't care.

Yeah, well fucking good, maybe I'll get a sitcom if I'm gay. You know, everything I get is one and done. Because I'm going to be gay. Oh, absolutely. If I was a fucking transgender, ask him out. I'd be headlining everything out here. But, but, but, but, yeah. You should all suck each other's dicks.

No, no, but I would always. That was a bad idea. I would be the kid. I would be the kid. I'm sorry. I just said that. I should have said that. Well, I went to Old Boy Catholic High School.

Of course you did. Absolutely, yeah. So we play bass, you know, on those. On those, Archbishop Malloy. High School. Oh, so it's like, kind of interesting. Kind of interesting, right? Yeah, kind of smith, good basketball team.

And I think you, I feel like you would always have to be, like, be a little bit gay to, like, prove that you're straight out there. So we would always be, like, you know, biggest kid on the team. Like, I remember those kids that fought in Cherry would always be like, you know, biggest kid on the team. Like, I remember this kid's stepfather and cherry. Six, nine, you know, huge. And he always wanted to shower with his bathing suit shorts on.

But we were like, bro, we all want to see your dick. We were like lining up to see it. We were like to show us your penis. And he was like, dude, you make guys make me feel weird. And I'm like, look, if you're gay, you're gay. Keep the bathing suits on, shoot bathing suit on. But if you're straight, you'll show us your cock. And then he pulled that thing out, and it was a fucking day, I'll always remember.

I mean, that thing was massive. It's the biggest dick I've ever seen, and I'd be lying if I told you, not that I think about it sexually, but it pops into my mind at times. It's not a sexual thing, but you just think about how it's, you know, what it's an organ. It would be nice if you can tell it would. To be honest with you, yeah, not that I wanted, again, I'm not gay, but yeah, when I saw it,

I kind of wanted to just, you know, Chris, Chris, just like a cat, like a scratching post. Chris to talk. Christopher, you boy someone into showing you their cock. But you have to understand, Bob. No, that you, but you like, man, you're a pussy showing you their cock. But you have to understand Bob. No, you like, man, you're a pussy if you don't show as you dick. That's like the weirdest bullying I've ever heard of. Did I say something?

Yes. I grew up in the South and my mom used to work cock every day. So I had no idea it was a penis. So she would say, like, set your hot cock ass down. I'm not going to use it was a penis. So she was saying shit, like set your hot cockass down. Hey. I'm not- I'm not knocking the usual all the time. I had no idea cock was a dick until I moved it into Nathalie's

and I tried to write a joke. I said, oh my mom said set your hot cockass down. And all the white people, like, what the fuck are you talking about? So my black friend, you know, Dion, you know, Dion, he was like, Pat, a cock is a dick. I was like, when did they change it? So, I was like, I thought cock was a pussy because my mom was like, yeah, we could call cock a pussy too when I in Jersey in the black community. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was a pussy. It was never a thing.

Now he's called cock a pussy. Yeah, wait a minute. What was the one that started saying this at 47? What a. Like a girl's cock. Yeah, no, no, no, stop. First of all, Richard prior to his shot cock. Yeah, but he called it a dick. So wait a minute, black people call pussy cock cock. Well, in the 70s, like in the 80s, like back in the 80s, like back in the 80s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, like the 90s, I heard shot cock. Yeah, but he called it a dick. So wait a minute, black people call pushy cock cock in the 70s, like in the eight, like back in the day,

yeah, when I was a kid, I remember I would be cock being a 49. You're 49 years old? Holy shit, you fucking look good, you definitely have a nice cock. Should I be dead? What is that? That's that cocoa butter on my head.

Yeah, that's what I'm like. Yeah, but yeah, cock butter all over the world. Yeah, cocoa butter all over the world. Cock was a pussy in the black community. And I never heard of his reference as a decontail move to Indianapolis. Interesting. That's so fucking weird.

Yeah, I heard no, when I'm old. It's so white neighborhood. That's when I heard it. She used to be like, I'm gonna eat that cock. Yeah, we just say cock. Yeah, we used to say cock. Cock, that's a pussy, yeah. It doesn't even go, I don't even know how it would go together.

How would you, how does that happen? Because nobody told the black community a cock was a dick. So we just, I didn't know that it's all for the gay, yeah. Well, what the fuck, we were, I was at our fault. I'm trying to think, because they were busy fighting for the right to use our drinking fountain, so I was like, I was at our fault. I'm trying to, because they were busy fighting for the right to use our drinking phones while they're welcome.

I don't say much, but when I do, it's a winner. It's profound. Yeah. I really find it so. You got to slap me in the face with that one, Gary. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry for misleading you on the word cock.

I apologize. While your foot's big. 15. Whoa. I what do you got? Me? 12. I got a second.

And they're talking about his cock. You don't have a big cock. I've seen your deck. When? No, I actually drew it. I'm sorry. I apologize. I scratched it a little time. I was at a Starbucks. I'm sorry. I apologize. I just, I sketched it a little time. I was at a Starbucks and I'd go back.

And I would just, let me just sketch my friends' costumes. See if I'm right someday. I'll show you upstairs. Have a whole book. That's great. So Miss Pat, this is your first, is this your second Montreal? My third, my third. Your third.

Yeah. Third, now did you come new faces? I was a new face. What the fuck? Nice. What year? I don't remember, but I didn't get shit. So they told me, it was like, oh, you go to Montreal, you're

gonna get ripped, you're gonna blow up. Charlie was the year the white boy. Nobody wanted my fat black hair. So just a few years, yeah. Nobody was saying, nobody was saying hi. What do you say? It's two. Now it sounds, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been The transgender's a steal it from it. Oh, oh my God.

I am a shot the fuck up. I'm your high back. He got a butt. He gets canceled. What? He comes up and gets out. He comes up and gets out. Chris, what do you think they don't watch it?

They spend millions on your pilot, they just, hey, fuck it, we're not taking it. They watched it and made a decision. How many years of acting classes do we take? Years. Years. What do you want me to talk about? I'm going to sell an arm with Larry Moss!

How many pilots have you had? About three now. Yeah, oh, yeah, five minutes. Five minutes. Three, right, now? Yeah, oh, yeah Right Thank you. Oh my god And by the way when you shoot a pilot a get a deal you get a lot of fucking money So what the fuck are you? I got a pilot last year you don't get that much money anymore well

You get money I sold a pilot last year and I had enough to fucking pay my credit cards off and buy a real purse. I don't even, I don't even, can I stop one second? I don't understand the words you just said. I was one word to you. I bought a bed of God, you had a real purse. I don't, I don't know what the fuck that was. I bet you got a pilot last year,

and she put my poor, two million, and she put my hair on to me. Oh, thank you. Now, you're here. Storin, he's, Storin, a nice big child. No, God, then he's big black. Holy shit. Thank you.

Here's the thing. Is that everybody complies with me? No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Oh shit. Here's the thing, is that everybody complains. We're comics, that's what we do. We complain about fucking anything. But in reality, everybody, the opportunity to come up here. I told somebody that they said, dude, I got this new faces and blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, dude, you won. You're a bit. You're here with us. Somebody that day, it's like, dude, I got this new faces and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, dude, you won. You're a picked, you're here with us. If you're here, you win. You get to be up here with the best comics in the fucking world, doing shows together in front of the fucking fans that travel from all over to come see us. You won.

It's not about what you get from this. It's the fact that you're here. You're in. It wasn't complaining. I was talking about looking at guys dicks in the shower and then I'm getting yelled at. You complain. What the fuck? I just have a hate. It's like people don't want to like me because they think, you know, my fucking, I have like a, you know, fucking Viking head. You want to do this? Home of a habilet do that. Home, Home of a Habila. Home of a Habila set. Yeah, I read the book, Sapiens. I'm a reader. I'm fucking not.

It bugs me how smart you are, Chris. Yeah, but, you know, if you look, I can't be judged. You look like you be dumb as mud. I know. Well, I mean, look, I make dumb decisions. I mean, you know, I fucking, you know, I had a fucking baby with a girl with a tattoo on her tit.

I'm not saying I make the fucking greatest choices, but I'm fucking, I can read it. Wait a minute. Did you say you would not have a baby with a girl with a tattoo? No, I did I did have a I do have a child with a girl who's got a tattoo under a tattoo. What's wrong with that? Well, you know, I'm living with my father now, so you know a lot's wrong with that So they take you for what you're worth, but it is what it is. You know you make choices I'm waiting for a tight fit for Brooklyn to go nuts. She spent your pilot money and sent you back to your daddy Yeah, but yeah, the pilot, yeah.

Well, not really, I mean, there's a lot of other things that happen. She has a huge boyfriend now, so I hope she's not listening or he's not listening. Because he's a big fucking guy. But, you know, there's a thing. Imagine if you didn't get any of that money and you had that kid where you'd be. Imagine if none of that happened.

I mean, Chris, let's be honest. You wouldn't have married him though. No, we never got married. We never got married. No, they never got married. We had a kid. Yeah, you have a beautiful daughter. Beautiful.

Beautiful. And she's got, she gets to ride around at a BMW. When she's with the mom, when she's with you, it's a Chevy. You're buying a Chevy, it's the bus. When it's with me. Metro, you don't take the bus. I had to take it cross town. But you know, whatever.

There was a lot of traffic. It was a cross town bus. You could take the bus cross town from East to West Manhattan. It's crazy. You can't go up and down. Then you're a loser. But if you take a cross town, it's quick. The worst part was I got on the bus and somebody noticed me from MTV.

They're like, oh, you're that guy from Guy Cardo's like, no. Yeah. Yeah, but it happens. You had a pretty blessed career and it's not even over yet. I mean, you're still, you're not strong. I'm not. 33. Boy, I got two kids older than you.

33. What's yours? I have two kids older than you. Oh, my God. I'm not my kid. My daughter, 32. Miss Ray. Yeah, and I have a 31 year. How many kids you got? You got, you got, you got, I my God. My kid daughter 32. Miss Ray. Yeah. And I have a 31 year.

How many kids you got? You got, you got, I got four kids and two abortions. Okay. Miss, um, um, what, why would you, why didn't you even ask that? What the fuck? Why would, I got to get them on your bed. I got to get them on your bed. I'm honest.

I'm honest and I can't, all of my fucking kids. You can't keep them all, but I can't them all. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's fair enough. It's a lot of bitches of mothers, and don't tell you, because they think because they're not here, they're not mothers.

The baby was in there. It's going, but it's still a mama. I agree. I got four kids and two abortions. Okay, did you... You didn't name them, did you? Uh, yeah. Bye-bye.

No. Bye-bye. Oh, my God. Was that one by? And the other one by? No, that's my bike, Mike. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.

Showed a good to me who's on his day. Translate for me, brother. That was Johnny Gale, my, my, my. You sure look good tonight. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No.

I think just life's gonna hire you every year to translate. You got it. He fucked up all the time. He's translating English into better English. Nothing like an intelligent black man with glasses. Now Gary, you've been with the same girl for a long time. Yeah, four years. No, what do you think about having a kid?

Is that even entering the equation? No, no, I couldn't do that to someone. Why is that? To someone. Bring it. Because I, I don't know how many more years this planet even has left to bring them back to planets. We so much of sex lay out along to your penis have left.

Don't worry about the planet. The planet gonna take it except have a baby. I gotta tell you this Gary Goldman, right? Yeah, oh shit. I used to have the biggest fucking crush on you. You, I'm serious, I saw when last coming standing, you so fucking good looking in top. I was like, fuck, I ain't into white boys,

but I might be Harriet Tubman for him. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a minute, oh, she's great, yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, shit. Great change. Oh, I'm not too fucking drop dead gorgeous. I saw you in Boston one night. You remember?

Yeah. You had just got out of the lens coming. I was like, oh, fuck, that is. Yeah. And I went on stage and I didn't have a good sit. You and I'm dead killed. I was like, oh, my god, he's fucking in the room. And I'm not really into white guys like that,

but I fucking thought you were fucking going. Oh my gosh. We've been fucking hiking every day, going to breakfast. I've taken you out to lunch and bring in my tight rubber. Let me finish the fucking sex at least. I can't wait. You know what you're man, just like you at the house, you're... Ah.

What the fuck are you left for this? I know, but I'll hit Gary. Okay, I know the world's ending, but it's not going to end in our lifetime. Right, right. Let's start with Gary. Okay, so much nice reading. It's not going to end in your kid's lifetime, but I'm saying is that you would be such an amazing father.

The kid you bring up, because I think everything, all the troubles in the world in my opinion happened at the playground. It starts there. Yes. And it starts with these shit people that raise shit kids, and it just continues. But if guys like me and you, and Miss Pat,

I'm a girl. And Miss Pat, they can do the math Mm-hmm. And Miss Pat. They can do the math. We know. Well, you could shot in the tit. We get it. She did. You got a bolt in the boot.

No, I know. I know the Miss Pat story. If we have these kids and we raise them with good values and we raise them as good people, that's where the change happens, right? Yeah, but I'm getting it. I have anybody should have a kid to cheer. And I will say as a parent,

it's a dope expense like, and a father, especially now we're older too, it's like, for a new shit. How we stop raising them? What's that? We gotta have our kids, fuck each other. I skipped Chris. I skipped you intentionally for the job.

Well, not my do- But nobody got it, so now I feel bad. Yeah, it's just, yeah. One of my best so now I feel bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I apologize. Yeah, look at that. You're great, grad. How old is your daughter? She's three. Oh, she's three.

I don't have Puerto Rican, yeah. We're just not saying that, but why are you trying to get diversity points? That's good. Yeah. We got new faces again. You're trying to get your daughter new faces? Yeah, she's absolutely. I'll be great. And she's absolutely up to great.

And that's how you start racism. When we a lot of tell our kids, like my son, I told you earlier, my son was really fat and the white girls wasn't didn't want him because we live in our white neighborhood. And as soon as he dropped that, wait and got more dick, he got white bitches on my roof now. So, you know, I love it.

I tell my kids, I don't care what you fuck, just don't have no kids. You know, you don't want no kids right now, you fucking young. You tell my kids I said I don't care what you fuck just don't have no kids You know, you don't want no kids right now you fucking young you supposed to just sling it everywhere having six in the graveyard I'll kind of stuff It's fun. Do you tell your kid to fucking a graveyard? I Fuck in the graveyard I said something I got my ass eating in the graveyard once You don't disrespect people like that?

I wasn't on a grave. I was standing over somebody's foot, reading 19. How old were you when I was in this girl who I loved in high school. She was this blonde girl. She was like Sandra D. She's the sweetest person ever. And she dated Sandra D.

Yeah. We got to go back to 1953, forever. One night. So she dated this Eric kid. He had a Camaro and he was just this Italian kid. Had a gold chain. Treat her like shit. But I was always there for her.

And she would, I just loved her. And she never, never, ever would give me anything. And through all the high, three years of high school, I just was always there for her, or a shoulder to cry on. And I remember one time we kissed and I was like, oh my god, it's gonna happen. But then she got back together with them. So I think it was a year or so after high school. I saw her somewhere. And she was totally doubted. He fucked her over it. done and we want to make it out. I'm making it out and I took her to a cemetery and I made her eat. Yeah, wait. In his cemetery.

What? To have you asked, a woman who wouldn't even let go is beyond having sex with her, even anal sex with her for her, oh gosh. Yes. No, back then my asshole was awesome, Gary. It was one color, no wrinkles. Oh, it was a tiny color. I don't want to do that.

Now it looks like a dead octopus, but back then, it was fucking gorgeous. It was a treat. Right, right, right. Robert, don't sit here and lie. You know your asshole don't look like a dead oxen, but you ain't seen your asshole Yeah, that's impossible I couldn't help us find our ass holes first one was back. You're wrong. I've looked at my asshole

You know I had something on it You could colonoscopy now. I'm going I got one a month ago. I'm cuz I you I'm going in a There you go a couple weeks ago I I was the shit that was coming out of my ass like three months ago and then I had just to be funny I would I was ripping these farts one day I was doing a college somewhere and I was ripping these farts and recording them and sending them to my friends And just like and it would be say some silly like go mess, you know, and just be me, rip an ass.

And then, or like, good morning, son, trying to, right? So I went to the GI doctor, because I was like, farting a lot and just shitting. I was like, that's weird colors. And then he, I said to him, I showed him pictures of my poop. It was okay. And then I was telling him all these things.

He was listening. And then he said, you know, what is your guess? Like I said, well, back to I've recorded it, thinking like he was gonna laugh, like listen, like he was like, play them, and I was like, this one's go met and he listened. And then I thought he was gonna laugh, and he goes, please play it again.

And then I played it this second time, he goes, we need to schedule it for a colonoscopy. He was like, you need to get a colonoscopy immediately. I was like, are you serious? He was like, yeah, I think you could have some problems. Well, what did it sound like? Kenny G song? Oh, no.

Oh, no. You have it. Oh, yeah, that's the fact. Hold on. Oh, that's the best. Hold on, hold on. I got it. I got it.

Wait, it was nothing bad. Let me tell you something. Far comedy, the funniest. It's literally, you can't beat it. Hold on. Let me just let some parts. I don't plead to you. You're a fucking communist. It's the original joke. Yeah, far comedy the funniest it's literally you can't beat it hold on let me Just let the parts I don't Please don't fucking communist the original joke I bet original joke Yeah, the first laugh just killed just killed something they ate

Yeah, I got The first laugh was just a two fucking caveman and their wives sitting around a Here we go put it up to the microphone Yeah, that does sound probably man. Yeah, yeah, like says it like there's an obstruction right? Oh God, oh yeah you yeah right? Oh God. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't enough. It was too tight. I was thinking the same shit and obstruction. You are. You are. You are. You are. You are. You are. And elderly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were just. Play it again because of. Yeah. Dude, that doesn't sound right. Play back. Can y'all taste it? The pitch, how it went up, listen how it goes up and down.

Is it much damage? Ah! Yeah, yeah. He said it was, he said there wasn't enough room for the gas to escape. So he was worried that there was something in there that wasn't supposed to be. I wish he found a matchbox bar.

He found one of Mateo Lane's rings. So what? So what did he say at the end of the call? Well, I got to call an ask-a-pe, and then he said, he said, he said, well, first he said, which is really said, you clean as a whistle, and I was like, that's weird. And then he said, he said, I did have two polyps on my ass, but he said, I don't think there are anything,

but he said, I'm going to send him to the lab, and then he said, I'll call you in like two weeks, and then he called me three days later at nine o'clock at night Oh geez, which is always like the worst time and he was like he was like hey Can I speak to Chris please? I said yes to me said oh this is Dr. Neal from Liberty and ask it be He said you have a moment and I said it's nine o'clock at night like and my heart was like in my throat I was like yeah, what's up? He goes I just want everything's clean everything's good. No problems at all He said I you know, you just need to eat more fiber, but everything's clean. Everything's good. No problems at all.

He said, you just need to eat more fiber. But everything's good. I'll see you when you're 50. Why don't you just fucking text me that? You know? I hope when I go in a couple of weeks, that would just be the worst podcast ever. Why do you go in?

If I wind up having fucking ass cancer and I'm gone next year. Well, that's the good thing. This is the last podcast I do. Yeah. Well, why are you going? What do you think? What's Well, why are you going? What do you think's, what's going on?

Why am I going? Do you have shit? Do you have, like, what's up with your shit? Is it flat? Does it, different colors? I'm going, because you're cold. Does it float? I'm, what, my shit?

Yeah. I don't, I don't know how to do that. You gotta look at your shit. You have to look at your poop. You can't, you can't do courtesy flushes, unless you're in a pub, whatever, but you have to look at your shit. Wait, I'm going, because you fucking scared the shit out of me on the phone to go. Well, I mean, I think you all should go, but if you're not having problems, I was having problems.

Like I was having stomach pains and I thought I was shitting blood. Oh, dear Lord. Yeah, it looked dark. It was darker than normal. And I had all different pictures of it. And one of the pictures, the doctor was like, please, it was pretty, because it looked glossy, but it was just the light from the camera. But it looked like he thought I dipped it in like syrup or something.

You have a shit albino? It's just a white shit? That's the problem. A clay-colored poop, that's a pancreatic issue. Oh my god. A white shit is no good. White shit or white poop and Coca-Cola dark colored piss, those are big issues.

But it's coffee, really. Well, it's out of pancreatic cancer. Take your fucking pick. Those are the issues. But it's called for you really. Well, it's out of pancreatic cancer. Take your fucking pick. You know, those are the main signs. Well, I went in one time for some stuff coming out of my butt. And so I live in this small town in Indianapolis and everybody's white. And that was my first white doctor.

And so you know I'm a comic. I go in and I say, hey, doctor, something a little meat coming out my ass. And so, meat put'm a comic I go and I say hey doctor some little some love meat coming out my ass He put me on the bed. I knew I had him rise and so I waited to he look You know, I got a big ass booty. He spread my booty cheeks, and I was like hey Dr. Johnson you've had this much big black ass in your face He let my booty clap and sent me out to a specialist He let my booty clap and sent me out to a spanish I said the same thing to my doctor

I went to the mercy room because I was constipated because my daddy used to get constipated when Old people get constipated they are scared they gonna fucking die if they don't have a biomement that is deaf I'm telling my I said daddy you got counsel You were more about shit than you do your cancer. Your cancer is going to kill you before a bowel movement. So like if he couldn't shit, he- One second, one second. What the fuck was that? What the last part, Boba do, but do. Oh, it's going to kill you more before a cancer does.

The Bible. Yeah. No, bowel movement. No, bowel movement. Bow, bowel movement. No, the Bible. No, the Bible. The Bible. So he would actually call 911. And they would come get him on the ambulance because he was fucking constipated.

And I was like, Daddy, you can't keep doing this. This is fucking taxpayer money. And they would get one time the doctor getting there. He just got his whole fist just pulling shit at my daddy and the last time he gave my dad something so powerful y'all he he fucking blew the shit all up the wall he would never call 911 again I was like that's what you fucking get what you got wasting tape

fail not one one only be used to see reports that's Tony Burton right there everybody give it up for the show I got to a more important client just came in That's the festival that's that's it right there in a nutshell CLA to T you cock second motherfucker We talking

Yes, yeah my count is number one client Oh, his number one client. How a client. Yeah, Calta. Calta, he's, um, Talmai said hi. Yeah. Tell him we all say hi. I don't know what he is. Doesn't mean look like a Catholic school football coach.

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Absolutely. Beats my mother's mushy peas. But the people laughed. I'll see you later. Thank you, Ray. Take a break. Take a break. He looks like he, I went to his,

I did a benefit for him up in Pleasantville. He lives in Pleasantville. Oh, he would. He's got the Pleasantville look. Oh, really? Tony, yeah. He's got dark secrets. But we went to Being being verzy went after to he's a member of the Masons and really we went to the Masons lodge after all Spokes and cars. That's a fucking yeah crazy shit. That's just a house illuminati on a street Yeah, it was just a bunch of dudes in there. It was pretty fucking crazy, pretty funny.

Yeah, pretty interesting, yeah. Yeah, it was pretty interesting. Not as interesting as I thought it'd be, but. Yeah. You on your phone, sweetie? You all right? You know, I'm checking on my son. He's on vacation with my white neighbors.

So I gotta keep my eye on him. I don't understand that. What do you worry about? You're son being over white neighbors. Well, shit, the world is crazy right now, so I'll check on my baby. Yeah, yeah. Is he all right?

Yeah, he's okay, he can't be. He's like camp, right? He's got a lake. No, he went to, he went camping with them, and I'm very scared because we don't camp. And, you know, when my oldest son, he started one when we first moved to Indianapolis. He started dating white girls.

So one day I called him up and all like, y'all, he's a stupid fuck. So I was like, where are you going, son? He's like, oh, me and whatever her name is, Becky, I'm just on St. Dickie. Becky? Becky. And he said, honestly, he told me that day was going tanning. And I said, nigga, you can't tan.

No. And he was like, I can't, I was like, bring your mother fucking ass on. She trying to kill you. You getting that baby, you gonna blow the fuck up. Yeah. He actually can't tame? You can't tame?

No, we can't get in that shit. I'll be getting in, can you? No, I had a black girlfriend who would go to tanning so that she didn't have to change her makeup. No, you ain't heard of this. Really? Yeah. Interesting. How light skin was she?

No, she was bad. She was your... Oh, wow. That's a damn lie. She was baking herself. She was killing herself. I ain't no waiting for somebody that black. I'm gonna get in there.

Well, nobody even allowed him to get in no Tannin. They were called a police on his name. I was looking for her everywhere. She was in the last place. No. No. No. I used to go tanning all the time. And then I realized what a fucking, well, it just stooped.

What am I doing? I'm just going into a bed and you can't. Yeah. And we had a great bit about it. Do you remember? Yeah. How they would make you put a sock over your penis? Yeah.

For what? And it was so funny and you're back farted in the tanning. Oh yeah, that's another thing. Yeah. Chubby people can't go into tanning beds because your back form was a suction cup. You know, sweat. So I lied down, I sweat, my back was stuck to the tanning bed.

And when I pulled it up, it just went, BAM. BAM. There's no ceilings in there. So it's just this fucking loud. But again, BAM. BAM. The whole time. Oh, it's just this fucking loud, but it kept all the virus.

Oh, it's look like it will be really scary to get in a bed and let somebody close these lights down on you. Why? And just some freaking looking shit. It's stupid. Tanding beds are ridiculous. Tanding beds are ridiculous. You shouldn't go tanning. The sun's outside. Go to the fucking sun. If you want to be tanned all the time, move to Florida, go somewhere else. If not, you shouldn't go out.

We shouldn't even be in the sun. In my neighborhood, well, all neighborhood on 18th Avenue, we're in Benson, Arts, Brooklyn, Pauli Walnuts from the sopranos. We used to own the Alaskan sun tanning salon on 18th Avenue, just stand outside and make fun of people who are like, white as fuck. But get your fucking pasty ass in here kid. I'll tell you for free, piece of shit. And I remember like I walked by and I go,

yeah, it was fucking white cast, but motherfucker. Why don't you get in the bed, asshole? He's like, you want a bank tonight or when you want it, like he just abuse you. Oh, then you go in and you fuck, and then you feel scared, because you'd recognize him from his sopranos. You'd only see like, what the fuck?

Come in the fucking tanning salon, asshole. And then I have to go in and buy shit. So that's really time I tanned is when, he forced me to. I'm, but the president tans. Trumpi, oh yeah. I mean, you fucking tanned. Who president is Trump?

I think he uses spray tan, right? But what, I wanna know, why the fuck the tanning bed don't get up on his eyes? Cause he uses that, he uses the cucumbers, or something like that. They white his fuck, I'm like Trump. You're using your tan and bare roll. We still know you really fucking white. But I gotta tell you all this. So Trump came to the football game in Atlanta for the SEC championship Georgia and Alabama.

And my girlfriend worked there and I was down stairs. I gotta tell you, Trump look like shit on TV. He look like a orange piece of shit And I do not like President Trump, but on be honest with you those cameras on TV is fucking them up cuz he's really not a bad looking dude His he look like mother fucking money He I'm telling you the mother fucker look rich and he ain't that ugly. That one shit you see on TV. They fucking up and racist. What'd you say? I said the camera is 10 pounds and racism. Yeah, maybe racist. But I thought it was perfect. Yeah. We don't have canzone, that's what we're really, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. That's why. He don't look that bad for real. He looked like she don't TV, but in person, he looked like money. He looked like money. Well, he's totally, he's totally, he looks like he could be racist too.

He's imposing, like you, Donnie Boy. You ever met him? No. He's an imposed, I met him. Yeah, well, just because, you know, he like loves like the cops and the firemen, so you'd go to something before his president, you know, Donald, he would always be in, he was always in Brooklyn. Oh, okay.

And also you'd meet him and whatever. I met him a couple of times. I'm sure. Even though those people become presidents, age really fast. Oh, yeah. Fuck it. Remember when I was born, he first got in, he was just so good. Look in, walking like a black past, dude.

Walked out that motherfucker, look like your foul-bait rubs. Yeah. Yeah. Bill Clinton. I was like, what are you doing? I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm I told my girlfriend, because I'm gonna convict they fell in that mix that cutoff. So I was like, bitch, we gonna go vote. And it's like, who the fuck we gonna vote for? And Bill Clinton sent me a fly.

And so did Bob Dole, and I looked at the two fly, and I was like, ugh, that white man looked like shit. We gonna vote for this cute ass white dude. And that's how I voted for Bill Clinton. Good looking is for, when he finished, he looked like he had gotten his dick suck, been beat up, ran over. He had a beach.

Yeah, that was like shit. His nose got big. Remember the fucking, his the bulb of his nose. Bulbas, bulb of his. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was. I know what Trump's gonna look. I mean, Trump isn't a good looking guy.

I know you probably saw him in person. He looks better than he does on TV, but he's a pretty fucking ugly guy. What does he gonna look like in eight years? I don't think he'll be in eight years old. The same, the same, because he's only putting in like three hours a day. You dig so?

Yeah. What do you mean three hours a day? Mostly golfs. No, golfs and tweets. No, watch this, fucks news. I knew a girl, I knew it's my friend was dating her. I almost regret voting for her. She was. You voted for her? No, Gary said he did. It was a joke though. No, I was just, are you fucking kidding me? You can't fucking say you voted for her.

I don't know why people won't say they vote for them. Stand up for what you believe in. You know, the shit that I hate the most when you apologize for something that you say, stand by your bullshit. So, you know, I voted for you. I fucking hated the Clintons. I hate it because they, I mean, they had like, they don't remember when they called. You vote for Trump?

Fuck no. All right. Is you crazy? I would never vote for a Republican. I mean, even if I got enough money because I've been on the other end, and I tell people all the time, they'd be like, these fucking programs don't work. Yes, they do.

That's why I'm here today because of the fucking programs, the welfare of work programs. I'm a welfare. I'm a welfare. We would depend on welfare growing up. And this has been out of Republic. Yeah, I did. But yeah, no.

I mean, and those programs, people think that these programs, that the government, now you're not not gonna save the world with these program But if you put 20 people in one of these fucking government funding program and eight of them do right That's a fucking success story. I got a gd. I learned how to give a fuck and think that I was I grew up with a mentality that Society is a Sucyoty older me something so I thought what fuck, I'm here because of the white man, I'm here because I made a fuck, you know, didn't know how to give a fuck about me.

When somebody stopped and said, bitch, you could, if you work for what you want, you're earned way more. And that's what, I wasn't taught that as a kid. And I learned a lot of this shit going through these welfare programs and these GED programs that fucking Clinton had. These fucking program work.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Oh, fuck it. Oh, right. Get out of my pack. Get out of my pack. You're gonna get it. You're gonna get it.

We get it. You're shot. Everything's stocked. You're doing great. You're gonna walk out of this festival with nine deals. You're the hottest thing here. You son of a bitch. I wish.

Oh, come on. You fuck everybody's talking about you. Oh, ain't nobody told me shit. You're murdering. You're murdering everyone. Yes. I mean, fucking killing it. It don't matter if you murder. Maybe as they got a little clicky shit. Come on.

Come on. No. No. People, he transgenders are taking his place. No, nobody's taking this out. Nobody's taking anybody's place. No, yeah. Your, he transgenders are taking his place. Nobody's taking this out. Nobody's taking anybody's place. No, yeah, your place is your place.

You can't take what you have is not mine. What I have is not yours. It doesn't matter. I don't agree. So it's like you get something, you don't get some people like this person more than you. Now, whatever, it doesn't matter. And there's enough outlets now where like you can,

I mean, Hannah Gatsby can exist and Owen Benjamin can exist. Both extremes. I mean, you know, they're both, so it's like, you know, I mean, I shouldn't have compared those two because Owen Benjamin is fucking at his mind. Owen Benjamin, you know, Owen Benjamin, oh, go look at his Instagram. Holy shit, he is all the way. He will never get invited to anything in the industry,

ever again, nothing he's out. But no, my point is Bobby, is that he's got a career and he makes money and it's just his way to do. Listen, that's just a point. You can't sit there trash somebody, you can't say you can believe whatever you want, do whatever you want and then trash them, okay? Look it, because people are doing that to her too, right? I'm not trashing the one of them.

But you can't, look at it. What you said at the beginning is right. Everybody has their own thing and their own crowd and people like who they like, comedy is art. It's just like painting or anything else. It's like, I like that. I don't like this. And you, but for some reason, people think they have to,

oh, I don't like that. It's fucked. That's when we get carried away. Yeah. And we start rallying against to get people to hate people because they do something different or I don't like that. It's fucked. That's when we get carried away. Yeah. And we start rallying against to get people to hate people because they do something different that you don't like. If somebody doesn't like something, you just keep it moving

and find the thing that you like. Absolutely. Yeah. I agree. Right. I'm 47 year old black woman and they grab hot white bitches all the time. Well, that's they niche.

They like white slutty comedian. And if that's what they like, when you want a bitch who talks real shit and don't give a fuck, then you come fuck with me, it's Pat. Or Tiffany Hatch. Or Tiffany Hatch. Mom in a household. Yeah. Yeah. So. Yeah.

No, but I'm saying that. When you want to chop the guy that is just vulnerable and likes to eat and do acting and make you laugh. Yes. Come this way. And when you want some fucking you dick with his comedy, you talk to me. So when you want one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet,

underrated motherfucker, the best joke right-of-walk in the earth today that should be way more famous than he is, you call fucking Gary. This is the best in the best. And then my friend, and if you have a job somewhere for Kyle, we can get him some work. Yeah. If someone needs someone that can speak both languages,

black and white English. Yeah. 15 years from now. Black and white English. Black and white English. Oh, hell no, black and white English. That's hilarious. My husband speak like how.

Yeah, husband's in the military, right? Yeah, he's ex-military. He's so fucked up because I have to ask him everything. Hey, I put this S on the inner wants. He's like, he wants my ass wants. I didn't say anything with my wife. Because I want to type something to do something. I'm like, honey, which two do I want? No, the WHO, the WHO. The WHO.

The WHO. The WHO. The WHO. I'm gonna do something. I'm like, honey, well, what, what, which two do I want? No, the WHO, the W-O-O. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Them two dares fuck me up, THE-I-R and THE-O-E. They're in there, the whole stuff. Yeah, I got all those.

I got all my husband and the entire, I got bullied out of that on Twitter. Yeah. I got a fucking made fun of too much. I put there and, yeah. They're the fucking buddha-g. They are.

When I first started tweeting, it was always in, no, in, no, for no, and MBT, the community was like, he gon' inbox me. It's the wrong fucking no. I said, I don't give a fuck. Good bitch. I got a GD and this is what it's telling me to use. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. They be like, oh, you fucked up on Twitter. I'm sorry, I'm mean, I don't give a fuck. I didn't think oh, you fucked up on Twitter. I'm sorry, I'm mean, I don't give a fuck. I was in juvenile, I went to English class. I never had English. And when I went to high school, I was in the rubber rooms, and I worked my way up. What's the rubber room?

The basement. Oh, okay, what's called the basement? No, that's special. It's shop classes. Oh, okay. Why do you call it what we call it, Chris? And then you learn, huh? What do I have to fucking change my life for you? No, you don't, I just, I don't know. shop classes. Why do you call it what we called it Chris and then you learn huh?

What do I have to fucking change my life for you? No, you know, and I just I don't know why you're trying to fucking be I don't know. I'm trying to be cute. The rubber home is a slow class. Yeah, we had a weight bench in a snake What was the snake the mate? I'll make you all live weight We got a little pet we got to hang out with. We got one paragraph a day with five questions. And we had to answer the five questions from the one paragraph. And then we played kickball. My three. My three.

My first. That was in my fault. I was there because of my behavior, blah, blah, blah. I could have done better. I just didn't have the opportunity. And then when I got in high school, I worked my way out, I got a scholarship to a community college for art and blah, blah, blah. But it was too late by then, you know what I mean?

And then I found comedy, which fucked me. No, it didn't. It showed how small you were. How many did you not fuck? Yeah, but I wish I, if I could have just learned English a little better. Because when I write stuff now, it's fucking, it's really hard. Because you think you're writing this masterpiece, and then you give it to my wife, and she's like, this doesn't make, I have to go through this.

Like, there's no commas, there's no fucking, I don't know what a fucking semmake, what is that? I've never used a semmake column like that. I've never used a semmake column like that. I don't think I've ever used a one-time like that. A vestigial. What? Punctuation. What? What? This motherfucker just used the word vestigial. This colon is different story.

vestigial is like the, I never heard of the appendix. The appendix is of a stigial organ. We don't need it anymore. It's like the coccyx tailbone. We don't need it anymore. You need the coccyx. We don't need it. No, excuse me white people. What was that word? Vestigial. Vestigial. Oh, I can't go. Wait a second. It's a proof of evolution.

What was that word? Vestigial. Vestigial. But you say it from his path that you can vestigial. I love fuck you, turd. I just found out about that word too. I didn't know that. We got to write this shit up. This is so fun.

Yeah, that was a good time. I love you guys. I've known you guys for a long time. I really appreciate you guys coming on, especially up here at Just For Lafs. It's always, I love that they added podcasting to the festival during the day. It's something to do.

I've done a couple of them, and it's always been fun up here. So I appreciate it Kyle. Thanks for coming on, brother. I hope that you can see you back up here sooner than later. In 16 years, yeah, I'll be what, 62, isn't she? Yeah, I might be back. Well, if we don't see you up here, it's not me.

We get 49. Maybe I'll have you back for this. I shouldn't tell people that because people get weird when I tell them my age, they'd be like, oh shit, I'm sorry. Damn, bro. I believe 30, so. So wouldn't you believe 30 nights? I believe 39 nights.

Yeah, with those legs, look at those legs. Yeah. Look at that fucking, wow, look at that. I relax. That's what we're now. Gary, I can't take enough of coming up. Oh, thanks for having me. What do you have?

First of all, Twitter account to someone to plug it? Twitter, I'm mostly Instagram. I mess with a lot, you know. Oh, thanks for having me. What do you have? First of all, Twitter account is something I'm gonna plug in. Twitter, I'm mostly Instagram, I mess with a lot. Oh, oh yeah. Instagram? Yeah. Oh, that's the hot one now. Kyle grooms, yeah. Kyle grooms, all right.

I was snapping, but once Instagram got movies, I said, what's snapping? Snapchat. Snapchat. Oh, okay, I don't think I've taped that. I hate that. Yeah, snapchat is to show you dick. Yeah.

So it is, because it goes away. Yeah, it's cool. Show you dick, it goes away in traffic. In a conversation. You can see when they take a screen grab, it tells you, like, ah, she's got my dick. I'm in trouble. My wife's going to fucking kill me.

I got to say a quick shout out to some fans who are really a big part of my show. Zach Ross, Steve Browdy, Robert Thomas, Weston, Zlatnik, Molly, who the fuck is that? Molly, what was that say Gary? Molly W. Molly, that's an R, that's a mall, I'm sorry. Mallory W. See, he didn't do it either. I think I fucked you up though Well, because you told me it was Molly and I fuck you eyes

Mallory W and Jason Bulkz I want to thank you guys so much for being a part of the podcast and donating to the patreon Gary What do you got? I've got shows that Lasha Pell tonight and tomorrow night Lasha power shows are it's a small-th thing Colin did it last night really so small theater. I heard it's a beautiful theater. Yeah It's lovely. You're doing a lot more one-man shows up. Yeah, yeah, one person shows. Sorry. Yeah I want you I don't want you fucking president getting mad at me All right, great buddy. I love you. I love you too. I have even smaller show The Montreal improv a, wouldn't recommend it.

But if you want to come, fucking, you're an ass. Yeah, tonight, tomorrow, Saturday, Montreal Improv, 830, but you know whatever, maybe I may not even show up. Yeah. What, who doesn't recommend their own show? I mean, whatever, come, I don't fucking know. Give you whatever you want. I think we have the same show.

What? I think we have the same show. The same Jordans? Oh yeah, fucking great, dude. Yeah, come to show if you want. I'll probably have the same outfit. I don't even have a room yet, so. What is this sneaker fucking thing?

I don't know. I just, I like the sneakers. I'm not into like, I'm not a sneaker keeper kind of kid. I just, I have the sneakers. I like them. Just another thing that white man has stolen from a black man over the years Is that true? Yeah, sneakers. Yeah, what would you say? Me I said the sneaker the sneaker enthusiasm is another thing that white men have stolen from black men over the years You got too many black power free come down from Black men over the years. You got too many Black power freeing.

Calm down. Ha ha ha. Dang. I live with a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, What do you got? The power of soul food. Well, she miss Pat and Nasty show. I'm gonna talk about it. I got a book out called Rabbit, pick my shit up, please. Yeah, pick up a book. It's on Amazon right now, right, Tunes.

It is really, really. Yeah, let's do it. Are you nuts? Buddy, you're the funniest guy in the world. You're so funny, dude I do you think I really she's every no she she loved you stop it everybody the podcast was great Yeah, it was I had a good time. It was amazing. I'd be handpicked you Come on, dude. I love you dude script check this out zip recruited dot com, dude. Script, check this out, zippercuted.com, baby. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's challenging when you, look, I have a business, I have a podcast network, right? And you gotta find people. It's hard to find the qualified candidates. It takes a long time, too many applicants. It's awful. That's how zippercutin makes it easy, all right? It's zippercuted.com slash what, dude?

That's what you gotta get. Okay, hold that. Zippercutin slash zippercutin.com slash what dude? That's what you gotta get. Okay, hold that. Zippercuda slash, zippercuda.com slash what dude? That's how you get the discounts, but yeah, zippercuda, I'm telling you, my mom was in HR manager and she used zippercuda, she's swore by zippercuda, zippercuda. Oh, it's great, it's unbelievable, okay?

It's for companies that need to find the right person for the job, and then I want to go through stacks of resumes and multiple job sites and confusing review process. Hiring can just be easy. All you have to do is go to ziprycuda.com slash what dude? Ziprycuda sends your job to over a hundred of the leading websites, job boards, okay? But they don't stop there with their power matching technologies. Iperkutta can scan thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite

them to apply for your job, Chris. Yeah, and guess what? It's so effective that 80% of the employers who post on zephyrkrutor.com, guess what? They get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. Wow! That's it right there. With results like that, Chris, it's no one as zippercrooter

is the highest rated hiring site in America. It's no one, I don't have a job. I haven't been on zippercrooter yet. And right now, my listeners can try zippercrooter for free, that's free at this exclusive web address. Cypricut.com slash what dude? Zipricut.com slash what dude? Right now, W-A-H-A-T-D-U-D-E.

What dude? Zipricut.com slash what dude? What is it again? I think it's Cypricut.com slash what dude? It was so funny today. I love you. I love you. I want to kiss you on the lips.

All right. Bye. I'm Robert Kelly. Thank you. I'll only kiss you on the lips. Not now. Bye. I'm Robert Kelly. Thank you so much for coming out to the live podcast. You're welcome. You're welcome. See you guys later. Take him.

Bobby Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. Bobby Kelly. On your feet for Bobby Kelly. My KWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Just for life! Thanks for coming out to today's show at the Just For Laths Festival, presented by Bell in collaboration with Lotto Cabec. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan.

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