Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Live From The Cellar

Episode Date: December 19, 2011

Replay of Robert's live broadcast from the Comedy Cellar featuring Artie Lange, Amy Schumer, Keith Robinson, Sherrod Small, Owen Smith and Cellar owner Noam Dworman. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Riotcast Network, Gloryhole Radio is now Riotcast, riotcast.com. What's up, Robert Kelly fans? There is no better way to usher in 2012 than the Catch Robert Kelly live for yourself at the stress factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Robert will be performing on December 29, 30th and most importantly a very special New Year's Eve extravaganza you don't want to miss. Join Robert and Ryan in the new year with an open bar, a kick-ass buffet, a midnight champagne toast and much more. So start off your 2012 right and get your

tickets now at the Stress Factoryeller for the nasty show. The first one of many, it's sold out in two fucking hours. I'm here with Keith Robinson, Modi, who are a gnome and his wife won't eat it live from the Comedy Seller. You know what dude podcasts? We're just talking about Modi's date. The girl is going to meet Wink, Wink. Why are they call you gnome?

It's Noam. Because we're not Jews. Noam is like what they put on the fucking sidewalk. You know, on the grass? Yes. It's a Noam. Let's stay with the kid. I'm a tie-up.

We like the other topic. We don't want to deal with it. We don't want to know when you guys are playing racking pals tonight. I really have a seven-asson Broadway. Where do you guys are playing rackipals tonight. I really haven't... I'm stepping out in Broadway. Where you guys are playing rough touchers. Let's see. You guys are going to make out and play some chess. I'm not even...

Oh, sweet. I do have to go. She's way from here. Oh, come on. Oh, come on down here. Come on down here. That would come down. She's on stepping out in Broadway. So, we'll play for the caps. Bet you. You don't need to have a smart car. I'm going to go pick her? That would come here. She's on 7-0 bro. So we'll be for the gap.

Bet you. You're going to have a smart car. I'm going to go pick her up. Who has a smart car? Me, I bought a smart car. What do you mean you bought a smart car? I'm driving right in a dishwasher. What kind is it?

Is it the little ones? The little ones? Yeah, only one type of smart car. Really? Yeah. It's pretty wild. It's amazing. I mean, when you're driving, right, you're doing like,

stand up down the highway and you turn, like you turn to back and change lanes. Yeah. You forget that you're in a smart car, you turn, you see, you go, F**K the car ends, there's just no car behind you. Right.

Amazing car, though. How is it getting blow jobs in it? Can you go back? I don't know, I'm a proper lady. I mean, I'm a proper guy. I mean, I'm a proper guy. You haven't fucked around in the smart car yet? No, not yet. How much is it to take?

How much does it cost to fill it? 35 bucks to fill it? And it goes forever. How far? I don't know. 41 gallons, 41 miles per gallon. So you're going to pick a checkup and a smart car. Now we're going to go eat.

We're going to go eat. We're going to go eat. We're going to go eat. We're going gonna go eat we're gonna go eat on the way. I'm gonna go eat on the 7-9th and Broadway. We're 79th and Broadway You're gonna eat. Yeah, really? What's your name? Her name is Sophia. We're Kelly. Yeah, yeah, that's a made-up name I just told he just I just told my daughter's gonna be named Sophia What do you got? What is name is shot? It's name is shot. So, it's so big. I'm not gay.

I'm not gay. I'm confused. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Meanwhile, Robert's sitting here with bunny ears Yes, dude, but I like it. I'm gonna have come in my ears In your wife or in your wife What are you gonna do with it comes back? It's a lot of stuff. What are you gonna do with it comes back?

It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff.

It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff.

It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of stuff. The hottest guy showed up at the point and we said it was Modi's date. Oh, it's been a spirit. He's over it. Modi just fucking texted Sophia, ain't coming. Oh, yeah, look, stepping at the Samston now. I gotta go. Oh my god, everyone, everyone. All right, let him walk around around a block a couple of times

What are you gonna do if the count comes bad low What do you mean what do you want to do it's gonna come back when the count's back He'd better get his food count I if it comes back that I'm low, I mean I'm gonna I don't know you gotta get your sperm count up My fucking beauty feed him. I don't know. I just can you get him? I got scared actually I found I went for a sperm count and the in the in the day Between the count and when I got the results she got pregnant So I actually she right I got pregnant actually before the count came back So for one day I wasn't sure she was fucking around on me or what?

Well, Anita was I took the sperm count she got pregnant. I didn't get the results yet My doctor yeah, my doctor's like I got the results she's cheating I didn't get the results yet my dog yeah my dog is like out the results she's cheating You get the baby check the NHL yeah, I have a feeling is gonna be obvious you'll see you're gonna feel it's gonna come up He was a black buzz member That's gonna come up singing really good in Africa. I'm gonna know. I'm gonna know. This is your baby.

This is your baby. What? His eyes look just like looking at his eyes. It's gonna explode. It happens. It happens. There you go. Alright, don't look at his eyes.

It's gonna be huge. It's a girl. It's a girl. Oh, is it a girl? Yeah, man. I'm gonna put my second mind here. So you're gonna have a baby girl. She can't be gorgeous. I hope so. She can be hot. Oh, it's a girl. Oh, yeah. For my sake, I'm about to deal. So you're going to have a baby girl. She's going to be gorgeous.

I hope so. She's going to be hot. Yes, she is. You may wind up with a comic. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't wait until Alan and Haley comes down there to just to pick up Noam's daughter, along with his wings and a pie.

Ah! Ah! Ah! So, if it comes back, it's't know I don't know what you do What do you do you go for a there's like a they have things you can do what There's I think she can fuck other guys Yeah, there's that It's like you are not the father

I'm a fish here Pills you can take this pills you can take how do you land what you can farm up? Yeah, there this will eat right. What? Eat right. What do you mean eat right? Get that into. I quit smoking.

I quit smoking. I quit smoking. I quit smoking. How do you know? I quit smoking. You guys are getting plenty of protein. You guys are getting plenty. What's up buddy?

You can get just far more. No, no, no. We're doing a live podcast, my podcast, from the salad tonight, you're here. So that's a reason why to think sold out two hours What do you think it was me Jay I can't really only want to get those heads those heads up. Because I get it. I have an extra hair if you want them.

You want them to live all the time? Oh my God. That does not help with just prom count. Look at those things. That's not white hair that. They're all the kids. Listen, I have to make sure the mics are running. I'm sorry.

Producer and them on the fucking podcast. You're the friend of the Gord of the Ed McMahon and the Johnny Exactly exactly one need a saw documentary the other night of a guy right hit only six sperm yeah, and they they were able to harvest those six sperm They took two out of the six and they got the wife pregnant So so if I have six That okay So So if I have six pounds that it okay So no just fucking you got a creep around get another girl

This dummy's telling me I can't get my wife pregnant for the last year we're having a hard time So we're starting now we're at the phase where she's getting checked. I'm getting checked right now. She's okay I'm going I was supposed to go tomorrow But you're supposed to have two days of not masturbating, but I fucked up today I couldn't make it you fucked up. Well someone sent me a link on Twitter. I fucked up With a clitty calm and I saw some fucking she-mails. I couldn't resist. You should understand those heads Happy jerked off to the she-mail, so they should have checked this bump.

Oh, I'm 100. That is high as level. I should just have my joint, right before the cockney, when this bump broke off. Honey, I'm going to suck this while I fuck you. Oh my God! I just want to say to hi everyone in Bob Kelly's family.

It's just, it's just me. Nobody in my family goes to listen to anything I do. My mother just wanted me in the Rosie audience. It was all. So, so what happens? What's the Rosie audience. What is on? Um, no. So, so what happened? What's the next move to get another one of you in this world? What's the next, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what I think so Carmel and my daughter your god, who's got everybody's got You know lower your sprung count

That's enough First of all I my sperm talent is fine. I'm there. Why are you taking, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I I used to be on a man TV those residuals are rolling More shit television than John Stamos I don't really think you're okay. No, I think I'm fine. Why would you take a test? No, then why's it been a year? What do you mean? The tempos off it's not easy to get a girl pregnant There's one day out of the whole fucking month that you can bang a girl or egg is fertile I mean that's what your problem is you bang in your wife I mean really when I was young I get that time out of day all the time just by accident

I'd always test that's on the one day okay you somehow offended me I feel bad I feel bad for you yeah hey it's one day you can find your girl that's your wife you asshole you know what you told me to go fucking other check and get her pranked. Right. First. Because you're relaxed. You're going to go practice with some other check. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh my god. One is going on over here. That's all it's robbery. Hang on. One is going on over here. You did it. Put the mic down.

You blow on that. One is at 19. Come on. You don't have to hold it up like you're doing your act. We're all... I hold them like a grudge. We're all here celebrating the premiere of Whitney. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha that other show two broke girls on CBS. Take that to bed with. So I can't wait to hear about her buying Billy Joel's house in Teddy. And knocking it down to make her palace while I'm

coming to Bob Kelly's podcast. You're the nasty show on Thursday. The show on Thursday. You're the nasty set on the lineup. And then you got the nasty, you show every day. It's broken. What? It's a daytime show.

It's a daytime show. It's a daytime show. It's a daytime show. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Take it home. Take it home. Take it home.

Yeah. This fucking gym. First of all, what's that about this? Can we talk about this? This is my way. There we go. There we go. Oh, my God. This is jackass. I Monday Tuesday Wednesday Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday from now on is fucking open Where to go now take the comedy seller make it to the last

Oh Welcome to the CB You take it money bags Sweet heaven he want this is the deal this is from 12 o'clock on now is new talent now So yeah every You take the comedy so I'm gonna make you feel it. He's sad. That's Sammy. And make sure I'm the one. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Amy. Amy Ryan Dunn's family is downstairs. Make it for you. Hey. Let me go. Come sit here. What if she made Ryan Dunn?

No. Get back in the seat. Sit down here. You get back in my lap, Sid. You get into. Come on in, Amy. If you can share Come on in Amy. You can share my mic Amy Open mic is a complain

You're not It's probably not gonna Not open my Even open mic Yeah, we heard you have a limit It's not fucking all night It's open mic I'm not in this podcast called

Guys aging poorly yelling I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done.

I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. I'm not gonna make it all done. That's made a new thing. We do an allied podcast tonight for the nasty show, the first nasty show, and it's sold out. So about it. Now who's on a nasty show? Let's go who's on a nasty show. How are you, Lang? Perfect.

Robert Kelly. It's the first game. Great. Nice. They're all on the town. They're the tell. They're the tell. They're the tell.

Unbelievable. Now who's on the new talent night? Fucking Rick Cromon. And he dies and he wants to sleep with. That's the problem. It's an all-in-one truck group. It's a boy. I'm talking about it.

All right. By the way, I'm a big fan of that genre. You're a big fan of the all-in-one. I am. I'm a big fan of that genre Ladies Java give it up for the new T sack the comedy song I don't like that she double Christmas is friend the whole time she was sitting next to him And then what up they said nigga this and nigga that I could they cut out all the inwards I dropped but I couldn't wait to get up there of some of bitches Yeah, I bet you Robert Kelly sperm count will go off

from town will go up. Maybe his first five seconds I was in it. I wouldn't even have to cuddle. The three gizz would be like, and his fertile. I like Amy and Peach too, by the way. Thank you guys so much for thinking of me. Well, this is the thing is that gnome has a new show Sunday Monday Tuesday He had the fucking he's the one with the DJ idea we get a DJ like new shows We get you fucking jackass

We got a DJ, we got new shows, we got a few fucking jackass to just leave. Not enough for Rose. The black guys like the DJ, right? Mani is break dancing with a cast. I would like to play with that. Let's just go and play the cast and get as we speak. Let's just take 30 seconds just take let's say 30 let's say 30 seconds out of name all the people who don't have a show in the world Everybody at this table

I Everybody's working on something. He was pulling for it. I was, I was pulling for it. But let's talk about Sunday to what? Wednesday. Sunday to New Recrom Show. That's the thing. Can you make it out? No, because you wanted to make it the way you should be. No, this way, the room needed it.

The room's only been working for 30 years. It's without it. The new thing only did 30 years without it. The movie did 30 years without it. The Rick Krom show, the new Megan Law of Kong. He's the number one lyric of Harry Potter. I'm the hero of Harry Potter. I just want, who's I'm seeing the first new talentings of John Mayerlake. John only gets a rick chrome on the piano.

As he's throwing a nice Christmas song in October. Ha ha ha ha All the other clubs wrong with they have. He wants, but they have. Nobody. Oh, yeah. Right, fuck that. C.B. has a bunch of nobody comms. We need that here. We need to give back to the comedy community,

but put on a shit show. Oh. Oh, shit. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to take a lot of time. Oh We picking on me he's saying Most sure the other one last making you do a podcast here at the comedy some and you're in Bush me I I Know I wash it be my path I Can do this All right, I can rip you a shreds

That's a comedy sell of missing That's what I that's what I see 30 years from now That's what I that's what I see 30 years from now What do we need there to comedy suddenly this day kick off? We're all Louis Seinfelds here. What do we do? We got nick the poem we got Keith we get all the top comics in the country and the world. What do we need? We need a guy who sings show Use that piano and put some use to it No, that, the comedy sounds. I'm gonna cancel the audio. You gotta let it go.

You had overnight. Yes it is. Everybody said it. You have all the micers are complaining. It's really like if Walt Disney's could put in a Hitler ride. You're upset. Hitler ride. I don't know the technology. It does really. No, it does. I will drive you.

I want whatever you have. Sweet heaven. It's a wrap. Well, Rob Kelly ambushed you. That's where you get for trusting a guy. It looks like a bouncer of Speakeasy in 1932. A little wordy, but I got it. We got the Speakeasy, I think we got it.

1932, when fucking John Shatta, fuck off. 1932, when Rick picked up his first piano. When Rick was first open mic We drive I swear let's go to Mani's grave. I swear to God What do we need here to improve this boy? We got a little bit more like T-Sack laugh loud. Oh shit. The Moonson Elstix were a good idea, but we need more.

We need way more. Wow. What do you think Amy, do you think the new talent night is a good idea? I didn't know about it till right now, but definitely if Rick Rones behind it I'm totally behind it So that's someone that's someone's gonna make it and jump in the chair and jump off And there was no piano here We thought the piano was off man the the piano's finally gone great with that.

But they wanted to get up for it. We're talking crew. Everything you're recording in and saying for the first time is missing like, oh, it's a problem, like I'll never do a talent night here unless I have a fully fucking tuned piano. I was too low. I was pissed I couldn't close with seems from an Italian restaurant Man no real bad I think he does look at his eyes He hasn't said anything in 40 minutes

And Ronita keeps giving me fucking dead stairs we're kidding Let's talk with the nasty shows the nasty show is a good idea right yeah, all right open Mike show Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I don't want to you know ruin your podcast But the truth is a years ago we used to do late night I'm running the club. Why can't I run the podcast? Years ago we used to do late night comics. That running the club, why can't I run the podcast? Years ago, we used to do late night comics. That's how a tell starter, Gerardo started, Norton started.

It's not late night. All very unhappy men, let's just forget. I'm happy this is not late night. No, we're doing it in late night. We're doing it after 12 night. Oh no. Yeah, surety-bay. Somebody just turned the AC on.

It sounds like a fucking plane is landing on the podcast. Sorry for the people listening. So we used to do it years ago we have no we have we have Dr. Steve from weird medicine which is a really good podcast that has listeners and then my wife we have two of us have two hi Don I don't know how many I'm gonna have one it's life can't have a kid, I'm a man of life can't have a kid. It's how we can't have one.

I'm gonna have one. It's just harder to have a baby. You can't have one naturally, that's all you've got. Shut the fuck up. I mean, I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. My wife is listening. I think she knows.

I think she knows. I think she knows. I think she knows. I think you're making excuses. I think it's easier than the same time. You gotta know you don't get it. No, that's not true. Why are you taking a test? That's easy to say that for black people. I never took a test.

I just get a girl pregnant at least. No, she's a black. I know. Yeah, no, I rest people get people pregnant. You know what I mean? We don't leave. Yeah, you do. You stay.

You know, the only people you go to childhood pull a court is like a lot of blacks, a lot of Puerto Ricans, you do. You know the only people you go to Charles the Pull Court is like a lot of blacks a lot of Puerto Ricans and always two or three Irish guys in there. It is. Always. Orange Black guys with Irish name. Why would they do that? If you if you believe that you can really do it you wouldn't get that fucking sperm count test Yeah, why bother? If you had the confidence that you had what it takes. Did you have you use one of those drugstore fertility test? fertility When they tell you what that thing is, something up with the virus. You wire me, you're a big character. She's an ovulation, she pee's on a stick every day and then it tells you,

we did it. Here's the thing, dude. It's no work. That was the first time. Hey, man. Hey, stupid. Did you ever use a sperm cow stick? I don't know why when you say stupid.

Everybody at this table turned to you. Did you look at the sperm cow stick? Stop. What? Sparmpow. Sparmpow. You even know what it is? When you stick it up your ass. You leave, you leave, you leave.

You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave. You leave, you leave.

You leave, you leave. You leave. You leave. You leave. You leave. You leave. You leave. You leave.

You leave. You leave. You leave. You leave. You leave. So, my dumb 80s, you're 87, it wasn't even a felony. Yeah, it wasn't. It was a felony. It was like smoking on a plane back then. You use a fertility kit? Yes, we didn't work. And this is the problem with the fertility kit. We did it, but we were supposed to do it that day and the day after,

skip a day and then go the day after that. That was too hard. We fucked up and I went two days before when we went all in and then go the day after that. That was too hard It was we fucked up and I went two days before I went we went all in and then That day we did it we should have did it that day, right? And then not the next day the day after see that's the fucking problem Is there so many fucking things that people tell you I had a lady tell me to get cough syrup have a drink Cough syrup because it makes her vaginal fucking Mew kiss how did you know is that true?

Get another girl pregnant Why do you just take and raise one of Keith's malnourished kids? This is not the roast baby Is there really have you ever gotten a girl pregnant? No, you have how many are let's look how many abortions? How many abortions 19 I got six abortions 19 I paid for Those other two bitches

We're not talking the amount of abortions you perform for extra cash I performed for extra cash. You go for a- Oh, my God. You're gonna like that. I'm like, how are you killing me on my own podcast? I'm like, I walk and hit that, and I'm gonna get like a, you know, a drink of water and maybe do a set on the show.

And I'm, I walk into you looking like Lady Gaga with those pen sets. Lady Gaga with AIDS, okay, sir. All right, you need to do something else. You need to, you need to drop a couple of pounds or four days after it's all worked. Let me figure this out. Why do you think your sperm count is low?

Yeah, let's figure it out. It's not low. How do you know? What does Dr. Weirdtons say? Dr. Steve from Weird Medicine. Why can't I get my wife pregnant? It's not her. It's we're doing the fertility kid. It's probably just the Lord Let's look at the upside once the what's the real future this kid

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I had a child I'd immediately try to give it to Madonna Because it's just wouldn't it wouldn't work out with me So if you had a kid you wouldn't want it. No, I wouldn't want it But I'm just not capable of caring for something in a way that you think it what up with Robert do you think you could Yes, what makes you think you could fucking have a kid? I have to fucking have a kid. Yes. What makes you think? I love dogs. What dogs? You piece of shit. How you gonna support it?

How you gonna support it? How you gonna support it? How you gonna support it? If you lose the bat, you just made it less than this. It's gonna be a whole 200 miles on these boards. There's at least two more coming. That's a good one. That's a good one.

I'm not saying this here, sorry. Oh, I saw it in his eyes. He had a good one. There's at least two more coming I saw it in his eyes he had a good one His eyes actually lit up for the first time in months Seven How are you going to support you? Kid what's going to happen there? What do you mean? Shut your mouth. How do you? They cook has been fucking out of action for a while.

He's gonna go back into it. I have a baby. He ain't gonna go back. Fuck you. I'm gonna book you. I'm gonna fucking nothing deal. A book deal. A book deal.

What book? What's the name of your book? It's called Cheat. A man's guy in fidelity. Maybe that's your fucking... Why your phone count as love you? He says shit. You haven't child your name yet. I'm not a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid.

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid.

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid.

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. Okay, is your father richer something? I know you make money. No, no, no, no, no, you're right. You're in some kind of business. I made me, you're out of some. You don't need a million dollars to have a baby what money and sperm and you have me I

Do you St. Adi's right you have bike account is low and so was your spot We're We don't like Robert Kelly. Listen, let's think we have in common. The fact is, I want a fucking baby. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to get my shit checked out. Why? You just told me you were sure that it's okay.

I want to jerk off in public and not get arrested. That's why. Stop talking about me. You definitely have a low sperm count. That's for sure. I do know. Because the fact that you had sex two days prior would not deplete your ability to get the girl pregnant if you had a robust sperm count. It's like you're right on the border so like oh you had an orgasm two days ago and you're not replenished yet that day.

That's a problem. You really know of your spark-times. Now here's the real test. You fuck a Puerto Rican girl. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body.

You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body.

You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times off your body. You have to take your spark-times fucking Jew boy. You wanna be a Jew, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it is.

What story could you get her pregnant? I tried. Do we have a kid? I'm sorry. So I'm gonna have a kid I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. Why are you taking a test? If you feel as though you're fine.

Why are you taking a test? I don't know what you're gonna do. I think you'd be a fucking great dad. What makes you think that name is? I raise your book. And that makes you think you'd be a fucking great dad. What makes you think that name? You raise your book. And that makes you think I'd be a great dad. Not the hard book. Just the part about your dad, just the intro. Yeah, my dad.

He was a shining ex-boy. I'm like, I need you to be great dad. Both of you. Oh, thank you. I mean, I've been knowing you might not, but I'm very honest. I don't think Robert tell you be a good dad I'm gonna be honest So you're a good dad you're a very good dad

No, I hear him tell stories about it. So you just believe him I bring my son stories about him being a shit that yes, I would tell stories about I'm a shit dad? Yes, I would tell stories about Great dad I'm a good dad. I pay attention to my son and his needs you know, what he needs You don't pay attention. Yes, I do You know one thing My fucking sperm count test yeah, I have a have to wear my- You're the ADDs, you know? I'm fucking sperm count test. Yeah, I have a kid already. Clearly, my sperm count is good.

Just really just think it out. I think you'd be a better on builds or a chance of a- You know, you're a chance of that. You have any siblings? I- Like, Modi left. Do you talk to me of Modi? First of all, I-

On the road once, I think Modi got a guy pregnant, Cleopatra. So, let's not talk about his sperm gap. I just really think you should think this through a little bit better. Why? I just don't feel, I don't feel you're secure enough to have a child in many ways. I'm emotionally, mentally, financially. No, no, no, no, because I'm your body, me. And I'm the same age.

I agree with him. I agree with Ronnie. You guys are both be great dads. Oh, shit. I think the government should take away Keith the power. I think you should not be part of it. Everybody, let's go now to just come in and watch your name again.

Oh, that's not it. You believe it, right? I'm begging to know me, my father, oh, what's wrong? Everybody let's go now to just come in what you name again He gets picked up on this one you guys have this one We get them on this no, I'm just trying to tell you I believe already believe that you won't make a good daddy the way You don't have what it takes you got white earphones on you don't have what it takes you got white earphones all listen you don't have What if you're okay? I can't leave okay, you can't I'm like five years old But I fully developed We're gonna go I'll add this out. Amy. I can't sleep. I ship myself get over here. Maybe get over here Do that I can be a baby. Let me see what you guys. Okay. No

So get over here baby get over here do that on camera. Let me see what you guys. Okay I'm introducing to someone I met at the gym. No, I just want to see what a poop is Let's do the math what are the tourgasm residues? What are the... Oh hang on, hang on. I need to pay for it. That's why I said that. I'm sure you did. Are you kidding me? You got a lot of... Not great. It's not great.

It's a smart move. That was like the deal Rocky made with the road with Paulie If you understand the essence of this we we've attacked Everybody at this fucking table. This is such a vicious place to be. I can't go for a child. What are you typing at, woman, sitting at this table? But all of a sudden, you do a switch. For one second, it's going to go on somebody else. Here's the thing, Robert, you have low sperm count.

Yeah, that's what we've got to deal with. We don't want to win it. If you don't have it, then why take a test? Well, you adopt if you can't get your white pregnant. What kind of baby? Like a whatever you want. Can you get a white baby? Can you adopt kind of baby? Like, whatever you want. Can you get a white baby? Can you adopt the one?

No, nobody can go white. White babies, white babies are $35,000. How much is a black baby? $75,000. It's looked in the wall. It's $4,000 to $75,000. How much for an Indian baby? You just got the human?

Whatever. You can train him up for some fucking Xbox. You can get an Indian baby some fucking Xbox. You can get him, he can get him, he can get him baby for like a dental appointment. The adoption agency coming to your house, Robert, and doing the interview. But that's true though. White baby's got 35,000.

I own my place. Yes, so you know. Would you adopt? Honestly, would you adopt? I own first. What? First of all, I don't believe you. You want? I fuck you.

No, no, no, dang, cook. Oh, he has a good one. He has a good one. Oh my God. He's been my friend already. I said you're a fucking dude. No, no, no, no, no. That's like my people.

I don't like, I don't like, I don't like, how dare you. I'm dare you and my deal with the W and B. They still exist? I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I. They still exist, I don't think that's the W&B. I don't think that's the W&B. I don't think that's the W&B.

Oh, CW, okay, yeah, they're better. We put on 90 fucking, what do we do? 90 episodes. 90 episodes, yeah. What? Now, anything, that's what we do. We get deals for 90 episodes. What?

We do fucking lazy white fucking sitcoms do what? 12, one a week, 13? Yeah, we do 90 episodes. Fuck you. We don't have a flow episode. Neither one of you. I'm not. You have no episodes.

What's that? I'm right on the show right now. What? We did yet. I'm not really not talking about you. I'm talking about you. That I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here.

I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. How many times? One time. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here.

I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here.

I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. I'm not gonna be here. one Why don't you try and like to get a play a parrot first? Get a piracy Teach you the talk I have a son man. I proved it my sperm cat was way supposed to be I've already proved it my son is 17 so what you have a good to go forever You're a girl pregnant and fucking 20 years That's the face of the best I've ever I got like eight abortion's under my belt

Eight abortion's under my belt Prove it eight Call them I can prove one of you When was that that was when I was 18 30 years ago It was only $48. 30- I took my home depot money. Yeah. Home people wasn't around back then.

They still in parking lot. Here's, if I'm in a accountant, here's what I say. I really don't want to get in a accountant. I'm not, clearly I'm not good with money. But if I was your accountant, I would say. I'm not good with money, but if I was your accountant or I would say I would say I'm sorry. I'm sorry John Favado's over here He doesn't make sure it's that If you look into a John Favado's they'd ask you they'd show you where the cable was because it's I I

Like You Fire for me You never Like That's Sorry, I'm sorry I'm

Just killing Oh, he's killing Rob This cock second way of best friends and we can go. Best friends. That's why I'm being honest with you. I don't want your honest no killing fun. Have a fucking kid. He can.

That's the part I forgot. Hey, low sperm count. I mean, Robert Kelly. If he's priceless or right with the 35 grand, Hey, hey low sperm count. I mean Robert Kelly Price is a right with the 35 grand if I'm here accountant. I have a kid if I were you and sell it It is absolutely Robert is not white Why don't I get three black babies and one Indian and fucking make more money?

The black babies are four thousand and seven thousand. I thought for what that what makes it different? We four thousand seven got wiggle room. That means you can negotiate a black bag White babies is no negotiator. You can't negotiate like a fucking haunted. It's like a one thing. It keeps it holds It holds it's value white babies hold it's but none of them go up in value like a Mercedes every kid every kid goes down yeah they do they all depreciate I did the research on it white babies are 35,000 what about a Puerto Rican You can just find those on $120. That's $20. It's $20. It's $20.

It's $20. I think the most baby is worth $2500. He's not going to give me. No, baby, it's worth $2500. No, baby, it's $2500. If she converts, if she converts, does it go? Yes it does, yes it does. It's too late, too late. If she converts, it goes up.

No, not too late. If she converts, before she has birth, the baby's Jewish. That's true. Jewish babies, I said a pure white baby. Jewish babies are like, baby Baby 5,000 at the most More shit what y'all look at the baby fucking price thing Look at the baby list Baby I guarantee you that for the reason for the whole sale price

We're talking about a poor way, baby. We're talking about a kid who can be paired passed around to the clan rally Look at this pure light Look it up. I guarantee you look it up look at look at the baby Look at 35,000 from pure white baby George and Puerto Rican and crops are right Look at the baby, man. Look at 35,000 from pure white baby. George and Puerto Rican and crops are way down the right. What about a redhead, though? A redhead?

Oh, sweet guy. You look at it, I'm telling you. I'm being honest, I get a research. Look at that, Robert. I get my research. Everybody's shone from the fucking thing is here. Right, shone. Baby, baby, baby, baby. I think by who knows, baby, baby pricing, we'll tell you. the fucking thing is here.

Anybody who knows baby, baby pricing will tell you. I'll just ask for it right now. We'll ask 20. If anybody out there listening knows what the price of. I'm telling you, why? White babies are 35,000. All right, we'll ask babies of school and the microphone. All right, this is a very expensive, over a thousand dollars. What is it?

What is it? What? What is it? By watch that watch cost is kid three doctors a place He's got a cheap one You were too happy for no white babies 35,000 Absolutely Absolutely, that's what I say. But that's why I'm fucking, and Julian and Julie get so many black babies. Like, it go like a candy store. Canadian white baby versus a Australia.

Put it in there. All you got to do is see adoption. Listen, and you'll see 35,000 white babies. I do my research. I don't just do shit. Amy, cheers. Cheers. To white babies cheers to white babies

No, I'm gonna get his shit taken Watch you see 35,000 look at adoption I Can't tell no one I'm talking I did my research I think if I think if you Googled Robert Kelly slash having a baby like shots of the tsunami would come up Like the Hindenburg crashing I just think it's such a bad idea It's a better way to run the people at the table

Can you fucking maybe What? We're just talking about No, we like that about you Robert. He really is just attacking me tonight. I don't like it. You deserve to be really is just attacking me tonight. I'm good You deserve to be a tank. Well because I'm trying I'm trying to help the world by saying It's not a save the world. I've never heard a worse idea than you have in your kids

Maybe me having a kid that would be the only words Well, it's not going to happen anyways. What? I think I'm going to spurt. You got to spurt. I have spurt. And you got very low. Very low.

Very low. Fucking money. 50, 50, 50, 50. Very low. When you are ejaculating, is it clear? What is it? What do you mean? What is what?

Clear. It's nothing. It's zero. It looks like a marshmallow Yeah, you're fine Jesus listen first of all you'll see what I'm talking about it the key for opposite knows what he's talking about There's no such thing as a day. We're firing youself in the third There's no such thing as a He's throwing himself in the third There's no such thing as a

80d and as fucking white babies Goes 35,000 I think The one's high aboard it A big full abortion Oh god All righty All righty

All righty And to get a proper count on your sperm Make sure that the doctor scrapes off the gizz underneath your stomach your sperm make sure that the doctor scrapes off the gizz underneath your stomach. He only knows that some personal experience. No, I'm telling you. Like a lot of it ends up there. You know what I mean? So you gotta make sure to get the proper cap. She's the real food hula, TV. That's it.

What? Nothing. She said this is a hula hula of O-T-B. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. 35,000 dólares.

Se ha 35,000 dólares. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 30-5 out. You know, I can make a white baby. I can get any white baby right here. Take a white man. If baby will be 10, you can pass it over to white. You can drop the property value of a white baby. You can't make a white baby. I'm going to go white baby. I got to go, man. Where are you going? You're out of here.

You're going to leave it. You're wearing cashmere. Sit down. I'm going to do you really? Yeah, I do. Keep your head. Keep your head in a dessert dress. I didn't understand. I'm going to go. I'm going to go white baby. I'm going to go white baby. He's wearing a red velvet sweater Oh Oh my God. He was like a crack head pal. That's the amp.

There's a damn rules like me. Where would love? This is love. Here we go. He's ain't baiting him or hurt jokes. Don't go and just scream it. Oh my God. I'm going to fall with a farmer.

Hey, that was too. I hit a little too close to home now. Right here. Oh. Oh my God. Yeah. You'll think the next time. This is Amy's this is Amy's worst nightmare It is a bunch of black comics This is the nightmare Amy had me the night before the rose Oh, I'm trying. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry. Amy. Amy, let me know if she questions. Have you got any shit from the roast? No, I've got an off-scuffery. It's a weirdest thing. Just kidding. I'm getting death threats.

Are you really? Death threats? Death threats. We got death threats. She's getting death threats because I'm with her Ryan's on her own. It was a Steve O'Joke. It was not a Ryan's. Oh, well.

Oh, well. Oh, well. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I That's because I'm the Ryan's on Steve O'Joke it was not a Ryan Oh, well, it was I'm sorry about your friend. I said I'm sorry for the last your friend Ryan's on I know you must have been thinking it could have been me and I know we were all thinking why wasn't it? Oh

That was it I'm just saying you want fucking him that Steve I would say I want Steve who does yeah, but that was a joke Well, no, I'm just kidding. Yeah, of course. I don't want I don't want Steve Oh, so people who what are the death threats? How what are they? Oh, just gonna kill you or He went to your manager what they say I don't know Dirty like cartoons or letters made of other like newspapers and magazines I don't even know if it's like a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a Did you hear that? She's getting death threats because of the roast. Because of what was just- I made it. You said something about Steve O. friend passing away. I wish we wish it was you. Uh-huh. Steve O. being dead. Is that- Well, that's more of a compliment to the kid who died. Yeah. I like Jackass.

I wasn't trying to be- It wasn't even a mountain. So who- Who was- Give me a reference. People who Jackass fans? Yeah. That's ridiculous.

But you know- But more good came out of it than bad. I don't know yet. Give you a few people. Jack, gasp, and? Yeah. That's ridiculous. But more good came out of it than bad. I don't know yet. I mean, it's still pretty scary. Amy, you're sitting here. It's done a lot for you. Let me let you have a shot. Well, yeah.

Well, it got me on the back. Thank God you finally attacked somebody else. Fucking, Artie's been on fire tonight. Yeah. But it's all been directed towards my fucking- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'm thinking right over there. I was wondering what you wanted to talk about. Who isn't lucky enough to have a podcast? I mean why? I don't have a podcast. Do you have a podcast?

No, I've never heard of one two minutes ago. You don't know what a podcast? I know what it is. I know, I know you know. I was trying to do your improv Asian thing that you like. Oh, I'm bad at improv, I'm sorry. People don't know what that means. That was way at the beginning.

Green line to listen. He's a fan of Asian improv. Talk to Steve is confused. He was a bad, he was a bad, he was a bad, he was a bad, he made it alone. So we, what are you doing over there? Oh, you just standing there. So we're at the coming, you wife left, huh?

She's right there. She's working with left huh? She's right there. She's right there. We're here tonight. We did this podcast live from the comedy seller just to kind of promote the first nasty show that sold out two hours. Right? Was it two hours? Something like two hours.

Something like two hours. I can't wait to close up that nasty show. What's a nasty African story? I've had a few of them. They all take place in the United States, but I had a few of them. Wow, it's probably right. So we came, we were doing this podcast, that to promote that, and you know, you started doing it every Thursday night.

Nasty show at 12 o'clock, right? That's right. And you have another thing that you're promoting, which is the new night, bringer night. We're canceling that. No, I wouldn't cancel. Let it go for a week. Let it go.

Let it go for you. Let it go for you. You got to try it, I think. You got to try it. You got to let Rick comb. He might pull it together. It might be something you like. Who knows? It might be good. No, you convinced me. No, I didn't convince you. You should try it, you gotta let Rick Crome, he might pull it together, it might be something you like. Who knows? It might be good.

No, you convinced me. No, I didn't convince you, you should do it. You should do it. You should let it go down. Alright? Okay. So Sunday nights, new talent. You sound very sincere. It's Sunday night.

It's us. I don't want to say that loud because he's going to make fun of me. How do people get on that channel? Oh, yeah. You have to talk to Rick Paul. Are you serious? Yeah. Well, I don't recommend anyone do that.

Just, you know, go to Dendalskull, find another cat. Exactly. Unless you want your asshole handed to you in the morning. I think it's a good, I think it's good. I think you should try for a week. I think you should have to go through you. Colin Quinn thought it was a good idea. Well, that good. I think you should try it for a week Well, that's okay You took that fucking said no and then to Austin powers

You're talking about a guy who said no to Austin powers having a starring role in a fucking huge movie that he could about nine Houses with now, but it just do my one-man show Who feels stupid? with now, but I just do my one-man show. Good for you, Steve. They offered Colin the part of Seth Green, the kid. Which would have been so much funnier if you think about it. They wanted him to play Mike Myers Kid, the Doctor Evil's Kid. And the reason why they want to add the Larry Sanders show, when he played what's his name's Kid. Right, right, right.

His name's Sully or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was on that show and that character. He wrote the that character because of that guy Colin did and Colin was he said no he turned it down. Yeah. And he called him twice. Colin I really want you to do this. I think you should reconsider. Nah. Nah. I'm doing an Irish week I want to do with Robert Kelly sperm count. That's what I want to know. What are we gonna do with that fucking sweater? I don't know what it's all I got this one This water has a higher sperm count than you

Give it up. Take a black light to that sweater Oh, come on, now give it up. Take a black light to that sweater, is that? You're gonna see some sperm. Someone just wrote aim, fuck em' I wrote it. I know I read it. What a mess, all right. Thank you so much, I'm busy, I can't come over and kiss your nuts. But I really appreciate the invite.

I think it's good. So good. See, I like how you tick. I think it is. I think it is. I think it's positive, all together. What a touching audience. What a touching, really, they're just nice people all around. What do you you want it's fucking 12 o'clock on the Thursday?

Amy upset all of Jackass fans, right? You know how it is to do that You know how it is And the people you offended That's like do that's like a fending porn star with a DP joke. I know. Let me put it to you this way. I'm 44 years old, right? Say it was 45 years ago, and my father was sitting around the table with a bunch of people saying,

I'm thinking about having a kid. Knowing what you know now. Knowing what you know now, would you say you had to do it? What are you talking about? You think you think it like you think it was a good idea for my father to have children. Yes See I don't and maybe that's a dark way of thinking and I think you have a dark way of thinking No way I know he's taking advice from you

Well, then why aren't why. I know everybody's taking advice from you. Well, then why am I here, everybody? Because we just like you. Oh, okay. That's all. Well, thank you. Sorry. I think you're saying here. I thought I was your stylist.

I think you should have a kid in Robert's show. This is what I'm trying to realize. And then those kids should open a deli. Yes. I can't eat themselves in the deli. I think John's, why did you should have a kid with Donald? You know what? If my sperm count's not good, maybe we could work that out.

I wouldn't mind you fucking banging my own account. Robert, I thought you said your sperm count was okay. It is okay. Of course it's not okay. It's okay. You know what, this Compton fucking negative relax you. You're so negative. He's not negative. He was negative about me get married His mom count is good. He's fuck twice in his life of course it is

Sometimes you got pregnant How he has it and all time she got pregnant. Yeah, it's a pregnant once She was pregnant. Oh great, let's talk about this in the background. You know what Jesus cried about him? You just brought that up? My dad is MS, should we get on that? No, that doesn't really.

Yeah, you should himself. Well, here's your thing. I've been trying to have- First of all, man Kelly, left for fucking life. I've been trying to have two backup kids, and I've been unsuccessful. What are you thinking of? With who?

I think if you taste the women, like you were planning on it, it would be a lot easier. No, I'm just saying I've been unsuccessful. What are you thinking about? With who? I think if you taste the women, like you were planning on it with your lotty. No, I'm just saying I've been trying to have to, I don't wear condoms. So I've been trying to have kids. I can't let someone have a condomless sex with you. She's protecting you. Who's fucking you without a condom?

Anybody would say. Who's banging you without a condom? Who? Yeah, oh, Dawn? Oh, no! You stepped over a line, Keith. I stepped over a line, Keith. I stepped over a line, Keith.

I'll take it back. All right, take it back. Take it back. Dawn Robinson. Oh, just made me hate my wife. Don't I hate you. No, but I do need two backup kids. But I'm not going to go for no fucking sperm count test.

Why? It's embarrassed. It is. If it don't, you know who went for one? I went for one. Yeah, I passed it for all colors. Yeah, you didn't know you were gonna pass. That's why you went.

It is everything for all. Wait, I saw a spoiler, fuck down. You went because it wasn't as easy as you thought it was. You went and got checked. We had this conversation. Then you found out that you were okay and she got pregnant a week. But you went because you thought your shit was fucked out. You still don't know that.

That's not true. Why'd you go? I went because I figured that I'm 49 years old and I might as well find out right now so that because they tell you to wait a year before you start getting tested. I don't want to wait a year. I'm going to find out right now so that I'll waste the year trying to get a pregnant just in case because they tell you it can take up to a year to get pregnant. Why do they tell you that? Before you even did it. Because it's hard to get a girl pregnant.

Oh, but it's been a year already Rob. No one has it. It's been seven months. But you don't have a Puerto Rican huh? Yeah, I got a fucking pair of from every mass. That's hard. That's hard to get one of those fucking Oh, I didn't know the your wife was Polish, dude You just bumped out really has to be high Someone calls you Captain Negative. You're asshole. That's what fucking horse should pie.

You know what, fucking two listener podcasts. I got four, four. I got fucking the guy who runs the podcast and my one is listening. I'm just realistic, Robert. You have a low Sprung Town. You're not, you live in woodbridge, you're low. You're a low realistic. But you have a low sperm count.

That's pretty real. I have low expectations. You have low sperm count. You have low expectations. I have low expectations. I don't have low expectations. We'll find out. I guarantee you.

We'll see a low sperm count. You bring a piece of paper in. No results. Will you bring in the results? Yes. Bring the results in. I want to see the sperm. Bring in. There's a results. We bring in the results. Yes bring the results I want to see you sperm count we feel the more I'm worried about

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Dan Natham. Don, you're looking lovely tonight. Don, I like you the way you're styled. You're not going to wipe my lips. Where's that fat husband of yours? He owes me money that. I'm telling you. He owes me money that She said you got a napkin to wipe my fat lip Dan said that to me one day goes what are you doing tomorrow? I go probably wipe with a spit off my face from talking to you tonight

Now let me ask you question you have a kid you're going to have a kid. I might have half of Filipino kid in Vegas. It's a bit of a... Hang over three. I definitely have a son. I know you have a son. I'm son 17 already, man. I know that's part of being a wife. My son's a fucking kid.

Where's the post being? It still is. I'm going to have two backup kids. You son 17 because you had him when you were fucking 12. I don't like the sound of backup kids This is if you think something's gonna happen to your son Bad luck just in case you gotta have backup everything you gotta back up my Off the deal Thank you, Arnie. That's what I think I'm pretty good. I think it's injured if you got one kid you need a backup kid You need another kid nobody should ever have one fucking man back up life. Oh

Shell Realistic you need a backup. I want someone else. I wish I had a backup podcast for tonight She's not funny already I had a backup podcast for tonight. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm counting on his phone. I got one shit going on. You're a regular Jerry Bruck timer. You're not gonna talk to God, you're Steve on your phone with us. I'm a table, you've been sitting here for 40 years. I'm getting the same V-neck shirt. He's not fucking funny.

I'm not gonna fucking. I don't know. I'm better because I can't. I am a fucking son. I'm better because I'm better because there's nothing left. I'm 44. I can't gamble drink or do anything I mean it was curse me too Why don't you get you get a kid? Why don't you get just from cow check with Robert color? That's all I think left to do

Audience Robert get this from check Where are you where you going to get this from, Cal? The bodega. The bodega. Where are you going? Empire safe building. I think it's at the Empire safe building. Are they still in a big world right now?

Yeah. That's no. Are you still in a big world? That's the Empire safe building. What do you mean? Get this book. I don't know. Are you an Anthony? You're gonna have kids? No. I was right to the point. No, here's the thing. Ask Aby what's a sprung count.

I'm shooting blanks. No. You shouldn't. You don't want to be a big fan. I would only have kids because I'm scared of dying. so. You're going to do it at the bar. No, me. You know, I think I would only have for the most narcissistic reasons. Just sort of wipe your ass and get your pills and take care of your later in life. Right.

That's what I want a kid to. Oh, well that makes sense. Kids who won't do that. What do you mean kids who won't do that? I'm not going to take care of you. My family took care of my grandfather and my grandmother You need a daughter I want to baby girl. I don't want a boy. I don't mind take care of you I thought it's not gonna take care of you when you're old daughters are full of shit, too

You've cleaned your dad's poop up? Yeah. Oh, he really does have a mouth, yeah. Oh shit. He really shits himself. Wow, wait a fucking minute. Thank you. Thank you, Andy. My father was a quadripleager.

I think that's a better clue. That is better. That is better. But you didn't help him. Of course, who else is going to do it? I don't know. Yeah, Robert, everybody's helped their folks. Everybody. I moved in with my father when he was in a hospital

Yeah, yeah, I'm moved into the hospital. Yeah, I mean look my parents are okay. What do you want to do? Fuck you? I got three dads that are fine I want a dad take one Jesus be the last father stand You have more dads than listeners I call fire I never want you around again He shows up I'm on heaven this fucking thing Yeah, listen

We have to take a low down couch Stupid I'm the Lang Lang is cut the fuck off Yeah, that's a shame What else am I gonna do? I'm fucking Thursday night of midnight Counts through Lang is cut the fuck off That's a shame what else am I gonna do I'm fucking Thursday night at midnight Cutting into my sit-up time I I want a baby. I'm gonna have a baby. Why do you want a baby? Because?

I want you to tell us why. We should not bang in the fucking table. This isn't Baptist church. We get it. I was gonna help Bobby grow. What? Hey, John. Thank you. Thank you. That's true.

It's not. Grow up. When you have to take some of care of something else, other than yourself, wait a minute. It helps you grow. Why do you want a baby? I'm asking. Because it will help me.

That's why. I'll be growing you more. I'll type one diabetes. Let's be careful. Come on. Come on. Ah. Anyone.

Somebody else. What does Robert Kelly want a baby? Say it. I want a baby because I want to grow as a kid. That's selfish. They don't, they can't get. They're trying to get it. Why did you have kids? Why did you have kids?

What did I have to get to the bitch force me to have it? Because she got pregnant. She said that she wanted a baby. And she wouldn't get rid of it. That's why I have a baby now. That is so beautiful. No, that can be you too. That is a good one.

That's the real honest reason. She said that she fucking wouldn't get rid of it I don't know she had a winner She knew she had a winner. She knew she had some Are you still together with you fucking out of bitches finish Yes, she does she whips your ass right no she can fight a little bit I love a woman with some spark tour that can rumble I know fight with her right? Huh? Yes, I thought I asked

But that's the whole thing That's the whole thing what she did how she got this is how she got my wife What no, here's how she got me to get up. They really answered like you're considering. Wait, wait, this was a planned pregnancy. She played ocean music. Oh, are you banging a massage therapist? No. She knew it would be terrifying because he can't swim.

Oh. Amy! Amy! Amy is a racist. Amy is a racist. My album is a racist. I'm actually clapping for that. Yeah. Baby is a racist baby is a racist

I'm actually clapping Again clearly we can't talk you out of it. So do what you're gonna go talk him out of what Are these thumbs dumb fun like he can't talk somebody out of doing something That's a big leap. Go fuck yourself. There. Rob O'Kelly has Loz's prom count, and it's not gonna ask. I'm gonna bring my paper next week, and I'm gonna collect 50 from you, and you, and you. Now what's considered a Loz's plan?

Actually, take that back. I'm gonna collect 50 from Arty, party and no and you're gonna dodge me You bet you bet that he had close burn count. Yeah, he don't If you check his cholesterol count is high Number one is that his key. Key is a bull or a key to a bull? If you check his cholesterol count is high. Yeah, yeah. I'm a switch-rope. I quit smoking a month ago.

That is not the only one you're smart-cutting. Hang on. And I've been on a fucking diet for a week and a day. A week, I lost a fuck. You, a week. We're talking about a week. We're talking about a week. You're a lot of waterway. A lot of waterway. I lost. Oh really? A lot of waterway went first. You

Lot of waterway I lost a really a lot of waterway when first And then we you stop staring either come sit in the table and say something or go home You're freaking everybody out It's Sean from the what you think called again the comics comic I think, oh, go home. You're freaking everybody out. You're the owner of your phone. Cuck, suck it. It's Sean from the Wichita thing called again. The comics comic. The comics comic. I don't believe anybody believes in Cluten Dawn. You have a high spook. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She told you just to make you feel better, that's all. She made me cheat on you right now just to say, you know what I mean with you.

It was your job. That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long.

Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long.

Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? That's long. Why do you think I was late? Look we get we get a hump x fucking says it's sound shitty. Hey fuck yourself It's the fact that look everybody. I don't know how to fucking I'm trying to do the sound That's why I'm when he's done headphones. I'm trying to do the sound the best I can the people screaming I think it sounds pretty good. So fuck you hump x What is that seven hours to set up? Look at this. What the fuck? Breakdown takes up.

Is it really worth it? Is it for real? Yes. Yes. It feels the hall-lady. Ah! Just a little bit. Something you should try at home.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Bobby has lost. Bobby has lost. Bobby has lost. Bobby has lost. Bobby has lost. Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low, Bobbi is low I'm saying you'll never hear a fucking podcast again hump cunt What's up, I love blocking people it makes me feel you fucking some fat truck driving Cunt the fucking typing in his fucking dumb basement. It sounds like shit

You now you got nothing to listen I love you now you got nothing to listen to Oh You got no Maybe an avoid It feels like I felt when they canceled hard castle and McCormick I don't like it, I'm back back He was one of our four listeners You're gonna lose advertisers without him I need home backs back.

I'm just trying to get you back. I might lose your burger king hands without the burger. We got it the first time. We got the burger. And the burger. And the burger. Thank God he's back. What do you get to say Sean anything? I believe in you, Rob. Oh god damn it. How about you have you sperm come

in like he looks like a sperm. Oh Yes, that's what we do. Yeah, that's what we do at this table. I'm sorry. I do know. This of children. I can barely take care of myself. So why would I want to bring someone else in this? That's true. Yeah, and the point I've been making for 17 hours. I fucking got a fucking place. You don't know.

You have a place? That's all you mean? Ah! This guy, this guy! He hit the fuck. What? You just, you know, I got, I got five cars, man. I know. And you got four ship boxes. What you just I got I got five cars man You got four ship boxes

Because you need one for you need there are rest for parts for the one that has the I have three cars in all license We did get the Negro to stop screaming directly into the mic He was talking about He was talking about already I'm part of Cillian. I'll take it 12 o'clock did the show start? Shut up, the show did not start. Oh my god, who's on the stage?

The show has to go. Oh shit, the show didn't lay. The first show is going to lay. The first show is going to lay.. Come on, naughty sorceress. No, there's a waitress. No, there's a waitress. No, there's a waitress. I think I have a single laugh.

I think she's a normal. I'm going to be glad. This is just a bad idea all around. This happened. I should have just stuck to me and Joe DeRosa in my apartment. What do you think of Netflix? Well, the movie's good. Oh, and...

Oh, and just got off stage and closed the show. We're about to start the nasty show, the first nasty show at the comedy show. This is the, you know what, the podcast Amy Schumer, thanks for stopping by. Congratulations on the rose. We got your back. Well, if you, well, you know, we'll do a benefit if you do get fucking right. Yeah, at least. No one's gonna touch. You don't worry about it. I've had death threats, go over. I got a couple of numbers I could give you.

Okay. This was great, Bob. This was what it was probably like in the writers room with the magic johnson talk show Just a lot of funny stuff going on I tell you're a fucking cut you got me today you mother at the expense of me You were fucking on fire you son of a bitch. I love you. I love you too. You know, you're watching. You should stand it on the air, I love you. I'll fight you. I'll fucking fight you, Lang.

I don't want to fight you. I'll split it in half a week. No, no, get over here, stupid. What? What? We're rap waitress, keep going. Yeah. Even if they give me some Boba Ganesh for the cable, on me. Go ahead. I want to bully salad to bully salad What's that? What do you think about us at this point? It's not good.

Let us do it. And we wonder why these fucking people on Twitter are so vicious. They hear us being douchebags to each other. All right, well, no, thank you for letting us do this. What is that picture on your Facebook? That's an old picture. No, it's like Blue Man Group. Is that what you got?

No, really? Why don't you give it to Arty and let him rewrite it? Yeah, now with image blue balls, group. It's the best I could do, I'm sorry. It was quick, it was fast notice. It was good, it was good enough at the time. We need something. All right, let's get this dirty show started.

All right, so here we go. Amy Schumer, we got Noam. Thanks for letting us do this. Noam miss wife Who's that deal with the dirty show? No, no, who's that deal with open mic show? Robbers from Rick. What's that?

I am at Gotham up to 23. What are you? I am at Gotham on October 23rd, what are you? Wonderful opportunity. What are you? Thank you for the fun. I'm going to show Gotham. No, the comedy is so fast. Yeah, the comedy is seller of bus. But if you can't make it here, Gotham on the 23rd,

I'll be stuck in seller. I'm going to take it. How's the show? I'm Gotham on the 23rd. Yeah, but you'll bump me from my own fucking show, you know. Now, let me do a spider's gun and run some news. Scramble! Oh, listen. I don't like. I don't like. Thank you.

I was great. What about me, man? I who are you again? I want to be thank KW superstar A. L. Well, that come, baby. About second was me. I'll allow six months ago. I'm going to buy a lot of fire. Boy, yeah, I'm on six months ago Well, we get sure I'd smile the back. We got Owen. We had a body laying with I mean I need for qua He put on the who he is Keith Robinson

Keith Robinson, thanks And that's it. This is the You know how to shit shut up and let me end it How do you how do you make a podcast late black people? That's it we're done take it. Oh, we're not with that. I got one more thing Hello, yeah, what about the open mic show here? Oh About the no talent We're ending that right now.

We're ending that right now. Okay, here's the deal. Go right now to iTunes and get my app. It's free, you asshole. It's free. Free. If you have an iPhone, you don't have my app on it and use some of this podcast, you're a fucking loser or you're just lazy.

It has the podcast on there, updates every week. It has my tour dates, it has a bunch of shit and it's free. It's free, it's the best way to listen to the podcast if you have an iPhone. Write in your fucking hand. It updates automatically. And another thing, mother fuckers. Thank you for donating all the fucking cash you have. We've made this podcast a million times better because of your donations

If you want to donate it's $10 and $20 we're gonna kind of switch that up to make it whatever you want It's on glory hole radio dot com slash Robert Kelly right at top donate button We appreciate all the donations because it does help it fucking helps We pay for a bunch of shit microphones and chords and wires and fucking mixing boards and all kinds of due dads that we need to make the show better so you guys get to fucking have some entertainment in your life. So thank you for all the donations, keep spreading the word, tell everybody you know to get this fucking podcast, you guys got us up to number 30 last week, that's amazing. So thank you and that's it, keep listening. Mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh, mmmh Vais Starlight, Bresch y muchos más para disfrutar con familia y amigos. La Navidad cobra vida con Ifema Madrid.

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