Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Live Pussy Turducken

Episode Date: October 22, 2012

Kurt Metzger and Mike Cannon join the YKWD crew for a live broadcast. RiotCast.com @kurtmetzger @IamMikeCannon Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta a dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvidarnos. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un dominaje de Ma mal, a Madrid.

in all your devices. Plus, it's funny, and it's available now. And since we spent two years of our lives writing this God damn thing, we'd really appreciate it if you went out and bought it right now. Go to Amazon.com or your local bookstore and get a copy of Cheat, a man's guide to infidelity. It'll make you laugh. Oh, and there's also a bonus. The book also includes a link to watch our short film, which is also called Chi. That we got into the Tribeca Film Festival. We're really proud of it. So please, get the books you can watch the movie. Chi, the book and the movie available now.

That's it. No excuses, no nothing. Goddamnit, help us out. Go buy cheat, cheat, cheat. A man's guide to infidelity. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn. This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Liri. This is Opie from a lot of things.

This is Bert Kreiser. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? You know what, dude? If you bippy-bippy, buy a ify-bippy-boo. Dippy-dippy, die a, you have a dab of dew. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude?

You know what, dude? Okay, we are live right now. You motherfuckers who are listening on Robert Kelly. It's what is it? Ryecast.com slash Robert Kelly. Oh, you guys listening on the app, the Ryecast app for iPad and iPhone. Welcome. Welcome to the live show. We do this once in a while. You know, I kind of fucked it up tonight. Every time we do it, I forget how to do it. And I forget until the time we have to do it. And then I remember, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Where plugs go where? So I have to frantically call Rob's prints. This might not be on right now. No, this is where I think we're going.

What I do is Rob will be listening and he'll let me know via via text message. You know, like they have on the buses via. Yeah. He'll let us know if we're you'll hear this phone go off. That's Kelly right now. That's Kelly's. She was out at Radio Shack getting us a fucking cord. So right now, we are live. Let's go around the room and introduce ourselves. Mike Cannon. To my left. Kurt Mads go to his left.

And I'm Joanne Fistiga. We know her as Fat Kelly's sister from Australia. She's back. The one from Welcome to America. Let me smell your cunt. That was the last episode. Oh. Come on, more. What do you want to drink, Kurt?

Right up in that fridge, if you want some. Oh, coffee. You want coffee? We'll get you a coffee. You want coffee? Yeah, like ice coffee, though, no? You want ice coffee? Yeah.

Oh, hey, Kelly. How you doing, sweetie? We already started the show. Just put that we got it put it down We making she's not that I know I'm joking sit down sit over there sweetie. Why are you calling fat Kelly because she's to be a moose Robert Kelly Oh Save it for the Best name to call a fucking put your headphones on I mean you don't cut people off. What did you say you're not an ugly most you know ugly you're just big I mean you were big

Yeah, I've got the shoulders of a Chinese woman But how big what I like I like girl shoulders if you know as opposed to guy shoulders. Yeah, yeah I like girl shoulders as opposed to guy shoulders. Yeah. Yeah. Some Brad Pitt shoulders over her shoulders. Who would you pick for what for purposes of what biting and rubbing and massaging? Well, I'm being held by Kelly, you know for straight reasons, but it is Brad Pitt You got a you want to have a story to tell people so you would fuck Brad Pitt for the story? I'd rub his shoulders for the story, but he got no titties What's that he's got no titties? I know that'll be part of the story. I'd rub his shoulders for the story. But he got no titties. What do you say? He's got no titties.

I know, that'll be part of the story. I'm out of breath, I'm the way, I'm such a smoker. I gotta go to the smoker. I'm so sorry. It's just bum f**king disgusting. You're not disgusting, I had you running to Radio Shack because I didn't know what f**king plugs to have. I didn't know how to go live again.

We were going live for a reason by the way. What is that? We were supposed to have Vinnie brand on the show. Oh yes, leave up your lives for that right? No, it's not. Jesus Christ. What do you have, what do you have, fuck my, you money in the bank? No, I'm friends with I'm kidding. So yeah, Vinnie was supposed to be on. He's, uh, he's headlining his own club this weekend. Must be nice. Nice. I'm gonna give myself a weekend, everyone's eating.

I'm gonna do a call, and I'm gonna go on every show as a middleer, and I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna go, no, he's, he's, a headlining this weekend Friday, Saturday, Friday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, at stressfactory.com and New Brunswick, um, he just had a baby, right? Just had a baby girl, which fucking annoys me Saturday Friday Thursday Friday Saturday at stressfactory.com and you bronze with He just had a baby right just had a baby girl Which fucking annoys me because I've been trying to have a baby you have and yeah, oh my god

I just imagine a baby like you could put on a diaper and be next to your baby and look like the same It's the larger version of the same creature. Well, it doesn't the voice the anger baby Fuck kind of people at eight You don voice. Is it angry, baby? What the fuck, kind of people are they? You don't fuck with my father, all right? He's a fucking good guy. You like the eat? He gets a little fucking depressed. And stuff down fucking Cheetos late at night.

But that's what he does. Baby Bobby. He takes care of me, you fucking cuck's, I got. He's a good guy. Me and him stay up late. And fall asleep on his dits. Imagine wiping that ass. Ha, ha, ha.

Kelly steps on the joke again. What? You should fucking headphones. You thought you were done. No, I was going. When I'm done, I go like this. Okay. But then it's like a break within the momentum.

Momentum. You just wanted to say momentum when you shitty accent. I totally let him do you would. I'm actually getting, I actually like your sister's accent. I hate yours. I think I don't like you, Kelly.

I think it's you. I hate yours. I think I don't like you, Kelly. I think it's you. She's just nice. I know she's not. She's a sweet little Catholic teacher. You're a Catholic school teacher? Yes. I just thumped in my pants.

Did you go to Catholic school? I did, I got kicked out. Fuck. Why? Why did I get kicked out? Because I'm a piece of shit. What do you mean? That's why you'd get kicked out of anything.

I was good in religious for the tales like 2020. 2020, oh yeah, you were a fucking, you know what I'm saying? You were a minister, yeah. You were a minister? I don't know. Like an old boy in that? No, Joe was with us. We can tell you not a minister but the smelly of fingers now.

Just slightly dirty on the ends. Way to tag a joke, I like that. Good job. So, we have a friend of us here. How you doing? How you doing buddy? He brought gifts. Oh, you're gonna be glad. You're gonna be glad you came in tonight my friend. Why? What am I doing? You don't even know, Kelly. Are you gonna make him coffee? Oh, you're the best. It's not nice. You get taken care of here at the fucking. You know what dude? All right right, you know make that noise though. Can you just fucking make the coffee? That was my first joke by the way

That stupid thing that she just did. Oh, I went what's this and I whacked my handbag a fourth and then and then the crowd didn't go What and then I just It's me making coffee You're gonna be very excited you came in tonight because we have Mike Cannon. I know Mike. Mike is the last time in a problem with it. Of course, that's my thing I do. We had Mike Cannon. I didn't know your last name, but now I'm saying it because it's right there. It's a great name to be famous. Mike Cannon? Yeah. Yeah. You should have that name. I should. Yeah. Yeah. Not you not you heroic name. I'll sell it to you how much

Five bucks with five bucks. Yeah Mike Cannon actually brought in a gift for everybody every man on the show What is it? I will gonna get to that slow down Jesus don't you know, we have an hour and a half Yeah, you really are just a spying equipment because he's a private eye with that name my cannon That was not it's not spying equipment, but that would be a great gift. I would love a little necktie cam Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Right. What would you do with a spy cam? I would catch I don't catch no him saying racist things Just talk to him. I know I just talked to a good example at all. I talked to him when there's no black people around. I don't know.

I just, I guess I'd have it on. Did Linda laugh at that? OK, good. Linda is a photographer. And she's black as night. Pump a nickel one might say. She don't have a weave. She has the tight and turlens.

She was funny, dude. At the office working for an Amy show. You were on the pilot for it. and turlens. She was funny, dude. It's all tough. It's working for Amy Show. You know, you were on the pilot for it. Yeah, I want to talk about that, too. You work for Amy Schumer. Yeah, for those who don't know who Amy is. Amy Schumer, one of the funniest broads on the planet Earth,

has a show coming out of Comedy Central. And you're a writer for it. Right. Me and Norton actually, she had us do a skit. It was just fucking stupid. Did you see the skit? Yeah, that was great. Was it funny? Yeah, you were at had us do a skit. It was just fucking stupid. Did you see the skit? Yeah, that was great. Was it funny?

Yeah, you were at the giving her a forehead massage. Yeah, pointed. Yeah, I was telling her, should the same legs as your knees and she... I added that. That was good. Thanks. You didn't write that. I didn't write that one.

I wrote the two girls one cup one. That was a good one, dude. That was a great fucking bit. This show is going to be really funny, man. Is Is this pilot gonna air? Yeah, it's a good good. No, no, no, no, we're not giving away everything. That bit, we're just giving the name of the bit but that bit is fucking one of my favorites dude. One of my favorite sketches I've seen it a long time. Yeah, it's thoroughly fucking disturbing. But it's so brilliant. Yeah, absolutely. That wasn't even my idea that way. I it okay well fucking dude nobody cares some stuff stop

bringing yourself down I just pumped you up made you a superstar and then you took it away that's why I'll never be a big shot like that yeah so how's it going right in the show oh it's good but uh what's funny is the writers this in grace right right the only black person in the room really good writers assistant every time and and I say whatever the fuck I want, like without any reason. That's your rogue. Yeah, I don't, no, just, if you hang out here,

I'd just sell it, right? That you just used to that table. I'm not used to going to an office where they're afraid to just say like, black itself. Like, not anything about it, just the word black. I comedy soundtrack. You just don't use your human resources department. Yeah, just in offices, people are just such fucking like,

you know, I feel like I'm like a feral pig when I go in and they're like, you know, like I'm all like, you know, pigs turn feral like in a week. We got feral you. We're not that stupid. I don't know, people know, but they get like long teeth and shits and my hair. I have pig hair.

So, you're a feral human being. Yeah, and then so I go to all this and they're like good office pigs and I can't talk to them. I mean, I'm like an ogre in there, dude, everything I say. So, but anytime they say anything with the word black and everybody turns and looks at grace like, is it okay? Really? For every fucking, I want to make a sketch of just that of like all of us looking at her after that's funny, dude. Why don't you? I don't know I should have some but they don't seem to be in time

they should have him use the word colored and nobody turns around oh nice I said fag openly there really? you know what? you're the one running his game but he's a cool dude he's not like he's a cool guy is he gonna be he's a totally cool dude like yeah that show is gonna be very. I'm not really into sketch shows. Yeah, because sometimes they go too weird

or they try to be too fucking surreal. You know what I mean? This show now that's out. She got good writers, man. Yeah, I'm impressed with her. What's the lecturing? Yeah, she's very funny, man. Very funny sketches and very unique,

but edgy, edgy, real edgy, but funny man. And you know what the best part is, is in between the sketches, the thing which he does is really good. What you do stand up like she does. No, she does, like, what would you call it? Like on the square, man in the street. Man in the street. We're gonna have more than that in the streets. Yeah.

Woman on the street. Well, that's not gonna be so much interview, I don't think. Right. What'd you say? I said, hey guys, I just wanted to be a radio host for a second when you corrected yourself for man to woman. Oh, okay. Drop it.

Come on guys. You don't have to do a fake voice. Just do your own. No. Just drag it down. Take that back. With your natural Australian accent. So anyways, my cannon.

Yes. My cannon, you brought in gifts. I did. The last time you were here, and if people remember, I got to uncross my arms, because, every time we have a photographer here, I'm just me crossing my arms, resting my forearms on my fat stomach. That's all the photos that Kelly puts on Facebook.

I got to go work out again, dude. I just did that thing. Can you please take photos of me down and from the front? So I don't look like a fat mess. Nothing from the side. If you take it from the side, I look like a fat fucking twat. Oh my god, I'm like, because I am a fat twat, I know. Tress you up like Bane so bad for fucking.

A fat Bane? Yeah, Bane's all working out. And somebody told me they wanted to do a fat bane and a gay batman with me I'll be hilarious. He's like gay, but I had a thing with soda because I want the soda does the voice Maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. I want you to be bane because you know in a move I mean I pretty saw by now, right? He's on a spoiler alert. Yeah, well, fuck him. Who cares? But bane's whole yeah, the better point

Bane dies. No, he's whole fucking like Bane and Batman Dice. Is he wants to fuck that girl, right? Taliya Ogle, and she'll never fuck, is like, he saved her from that rape pit, right? And then she, she's so much just friends. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute, that was a rape pit?

Yeah, that prison that Batman had to jump out of, there was like a days walk from his house for some reason. That's what I'm talking about. Batman C crook he finally makes out of the worst prison in the world. It's like right by his house It makes a back in time for fucking but but remember that bean saved the girl The town who fucks you by the way fuck Batman Batman killed her father Didn't she just fuck beans she fucks Batman has nothing to do with the plan and Batman's a better fuck though It's just saying doesn't have any money Baitman was a fucking Brazilian air. I you can't put a price on not being raped by Turkish prisoners

You guys old face of dog help her and at the age like goodbye my friend like we're still just friends just you know She takes off like that was just friends too with with Ryan Reynolds Except Tom Hardy playing the the role of Ryan Reynolds. What are you doing? I'm not that fat She's hanging from the ceiling. I'm just do you when you take pictures do you do you plant like Jay told me this? Yeah big Jay That Jay let's just know he's not big. He's my height He's lost some weight

He looks good big J looks great, but uh he told me can't waste my joke Gonna fucking make me apologize for every joke fucking cocks. I got good. You called me fat bang and I went with it I'm fat Jay can't go with that. No, I'm fine. He's not he's gonna be hurt by that. All right. Well, I'm I'm hurt that I don't look like my logo. He told me he takes pictures. I mean, he used to. He'd always be in a doorway with his arms out to try to look like he had like fat poses. He hit a whole like do you have that like your own photos? Yeah, absolutely. After shows, I don't let people like like even at the stress factory this weekend where Vinnie Brand is going to be playing Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Don't you have Vinnie Brand? Go check out Vinny Brand in his own club, the stress factory, fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, ha, ha, is the number. I don't know the number, get the number, Kelly. I got the number. Anyways. So we, yeah, there's a couple of steps and people would come up and take a photo of me up on the steps, no, no, no, no.

You don't take iPhone photos underneath me. Fuck that, you're not seeing, I have a not seeing, you know, I have a double chin. You know, I'm making a triple fucking chin. It's sweat. And then the glow from my shirt, fuck all that. Do you do a duck face when the hintier runs? Like, mwah. I actually, I make them stand up on the thing

and I'll stand down or I stretch my neck out of the last second. Right. Yeah, if you look at all my photos, I don't smile. Why don't you smile? Because I'm fat when I smile. That's why I Think I love that but please steal face. What's blue still? We still it's a modeling face from Zealanda. Oh, that's sexy as far. I'm sorry for fucking she's she's

Throwed it one out there and I made her explain it Deconstructed movie Work everyone else got it. Oh I got it. I told you if you if you got that. All right. I got it. I got it. I totally got it. If you got that joke, please text Kelly, right? I mean, Twitter, you know what dude right now. Yeah. Or if you got it and you fucking wanted

to bash her over the head with it, please Twitter Kelly. Good joke, Kelly. There you go. Let's Kelly, you said being. So how is it right now in that show? Is it every day? Yeah, but we worked off the week. It know it's not that it's not a heavy workload But I hate just waking up and going to office. I fucking hate that. I heard you're a good writer, but you have messy notes

Yeah, I don't I'm not I hope they're not hiring me for my note-tagging No, but I mean like you'll come down and throw a piece of paper down like rim go up and fucked up and I Have done that a lot. I'm not have a laptop now, Shane. Oh, before I didn't even have final draft for like the last 10 years. Oh shit. Yeah, I just like people would fix it for me in it. Holy shit. Really?

Yeah. I could be a writer with a lot more of these people. You just got to have the, I mean, just have the idea down, I guess. I really can't believe I got as far as I have writing for trick, because I have no professionalism at all. I'll tell you that for that. If you want a high-end kit, you got not an ounce.

It's the coolest number. I get to love this, dude. I'm in the writer's guild. Yeah. I don't know what a fucking, what a semicolon is. Yeah, no, there's no spelling test for that, right? No, there's nothing. There's no spelling test for that.

There's nothing. I'm in the writer's guild. They have a book coming out next week for more how did you get into like i wrote a script for fx last year ahead of script you have to join from that you had to do all right uh... so yeah it's it's crazy ever book coming out of an author i'm an author which is that the cheating book it's uh... she wears the book

does it here Kelly i think you took it with you all right then yeah it's cheap uh... she's guy written by me and Bill Burr and Joe Derosa. I'd like a copy of that I will absolutely get your copy of graph and if you don't mind apps a fucking little It's how to cheat and get away with it very very funny book But it we it's a real book though. It's not a You know, it's not a you could use it that she can get away with it What's that other book under there? Give me that book. What is that book? Yeah, read what is that? Read it. What is that feel God to chicks of the United States? Yeah, this book is a great book actually

It's actually pretty funny and kind of cool, but this is kind of you know lighthearted cartoonish But yours has the real bars is listen you fuck where we're pieces of shit We're not telling you the cheap, but if you're gonna cheat here's's how not to fuck up the rest of your life. You know what I mean? Lose your house, lose your money, lose your check. You get to keep all your stuff and go get that jizz out, the evil, and go back home and love your wife. It's just a thing that has to happen. Right. Does a short come with it? What's that? The film. Does it come with it? Yeah, this is the thing. If you get the book, if you order, you can pre-order it right to fuck now. Amazon.com, go to Robert Kelly, or is it ryecast.com slash Robert Kelly. Get the Amazon button by it from there. You can pre-order it right now. And in the book,

it tells you where to go so you can watch the movie. That's awesome. It's kind of, the movie's not up now. It's going to be on a website and you'll be able to do something and actually view the movie. It's a 15 minute short that was in Tribeca. Well, I'm highly interested. I could have used it like a real two relationships ago. My girl is me banging on the girls now, so I don't have any. What happened?

My girl is me banging on their posts, so I don't need the truth. I'm so trying to get to Michael Cannon. I'm trying to, no, listen to Yeah, I'm so trying to get to him But you're so fucking interesting and your creepy life Amy show them yeah, let me see Doctor Did she did she hang up on you? She probably hears you talking

She probably she probably heard you talking you she probably hears you talking yeah she probably she probably heard you talking stop talking about the fucking show you giving away the goodies I don't think it's not the way Amy Schoenner we didn't get we just compliment that thing yeah we're complimenting but anyways what do you call her back on the show yeah well what's up well you go to work tomorrow are you nervous you know what nervous put it on speaker phone yeah I'm going to all right cool right now nervous you know what? you know what? you know what? you know what? you know what?

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And so just want to say great job. I think you're all right. I thought I was in trouble for something because we were just talking about it. Yeah. Yeah, wow. Well, that's way better. Okay, okay, that's good. All right, cool. All right. Yeah, that's good. We're on a fucking show live. You insecure cock sucker The fuck you doing put your phone away. You're fine. You were nervous. You're gonna get fired Yeah, let's just hang up on your boss

I'm afraid I'm gonna get fired every day. That's the truth you look like it to you because you got innocent eyes I got guilty phase anytime. So I'm always late. Number one. I'm always late for shit every fucking day I always think I'm getting fired from everything Do you do you really fuck other bros? I mean do you not a girl let you do you fuck them? Yeah, it's not like a free for all. Well, right now, just bang a friend. You bang her friend? Yeah. God damn it.

Did she get the bang? Yeah, she only had one other thing. And I guess the dude turned out to be kind of lame, but. Did you get nervous right now when you did that bother you when she did it? I'm kind of like into it. I wouldn't be there. I mean, she could do what she did, but let's say she had a picture of something I have, and I would you watched I wouldn't be there I mean she could do

what you did but let's say she had a picture of something I have and I would look at it okay stop I got to really talk about this so if you what if you saw if she had a video without the dude's face just the dude's cock of her blowing a guy with that do it for you I would I probably rubbed one out to that sure I love you yeah I love you. Yeah, I love you I can't say that because I'm married But yes, I would Look as long as I can't see his face right I don't want I just if it was just a cock

She doesn't fuck around comics and shit that I know like nothing like that. Yeah, there's some rule Well, I don't think let me tell you something Just there's so quick if she does. No, no, I'm not, but I'm saying, if as long as I don't see the face, if I see just a cock, and I don't care if it's a monster cock, in general, I don't want to see the dude's face anyway. I hope it's a huge helmet and like it's stuck in her mouth.

You know what I mean? She's gonna just puke on it. She has to puke on it to get it out of her mouth. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, I mean that, that's fucking, I mean, I was, I don't know if I let it happen in life. I don't think I'd want it to happen. Unless she was less.

You fuck somebody out. But we're not married or nothing. We don't have a problem. Here's a deal. Here's a deal. If she did it, I think I'd be into it at the moment and then I'd fucking hate her. Do you fucking slap bag?

Yeah, that's part of it, but I'm still like fair, but that's the whole like turn on of it, right? You're like mad kind of. I'm like, what a whore you want to do this, but I'm going to into it a little bit. Yeah, it is like, um, it's, I think though, because I've done it when I was single. I used to get girls to blow dudes I know. Right. Okay, just because, but I think it was my way of proving to myself that you're a slut. Like, oh really?

Yeah, I think it was my way of, I think it was my way of, of going, you know what? I'm insecure, I'm not secure enough with you, you're smoking hot. I don't deserve you. I know you'd fucked my friend. Like, I was sitting in my tub and, and, and then I'd set her up and she'd do it. And you get mad at her? Well, I, I would get mad at her. I would just make no I wouldn't get matter like fuck you you poor But in me I go I was right so you're not the one you're setting her up to file

But I think I think some of it too was what you say I said you're setting her up to file. Yes. Yes Yeah, yeah, captain fucking obvious So what you're saying Kelly? Captain fucking obvious. So what you're saying, Kelly. You're looking to nasty. Listen. Hang on, Kelly, I just wanna ask you. So what you're saying is me trying to get a girl

that I'm dating to suck a guy's cock in front of me. I'm setting you up to fail. I'm setting that out loud. Yeah, no, no, I was. I don't have a insecurity like that, just I wanna have a... Here's the thing, is that now that I'm married, I think that

If it's to watch your chick Saka dick right might be I don't think it would be a Fuck you now like you're a fucking horror, but it might be something sexy. I don't know I don't know where I stand because I'm in the second thing not that you're a whore now, but the right It's like a sexy thing like I don't know if I don't know where I stand. I'm in the second thing, not the year of Horde now, but the right, it's like a sexy thing. I don't know if I'd be where you're at now. I think I'd probably be more where you're at now because I'm secure in the relationship. And I kind of know my chick, but my chick would never do that.

If I, look, if I try, you know, she's into that 50 shades of gray. And I tried to, oh my God, really. Well, she read the book, whatever, she's into all that shit. It's some porn. But, I tried to oh my god, well she read the book whatever she's in all that shit. It's some porn We're fucking we're fucking and I grabbed the pillow and I put it over her face. Yeah And she got all mad. Oh, she didn't want to do nothing out of the book from the well I was like look you know I didn't put it over a fucking mouth and nose

I put it over a nose and eyes and she got all fucked up fucked up. And she's like, I'm claustrophobic. I'm gonna stop. Stop. I'm like, what the fuck you, you want this? You know, you, you, you, and she's a guy, but I can't breathe. And it's like, what the fuck? I can't win with you. I asked her to be a massage. We were trying to roleplay one night. And I was like, why don't you want we, you know, I want you to be a masseuse. And she's like, no, it's too close. And I'm like, you're an esthetician. You pop sits and waxed, plus it no, it's too close and I'm like you're an esthetician you pops it and wax Pussies. Yeah, it's not even the same fucking ballpark. Yeah, I want you to rub me down and then I'm gonna roll over and you're gonna See my hard cock and go what's this and I'm gonna pretend like I'm embarrassed. I think you're gonna suck me off extra money

I want you to feel like you work at the sea world, right? That's just me, dude. I know well maybe it's a good time to bring in a relationship expert Mike Cannon who's back Mike? I don't know. I'm trying to guess what Mike Cannon does. Mike Cannon what he does he's a comedian. Oh okay. Would you think it was a fucking sad presence for everyone? We've hung out like several times. Oh damn. You've hung out with them? You hung out with them? I didn't like the green room at Broadway or something like that. Broadway comedy? Yeah, it was over a year ago.

Why would I even be held accountable for a movie? First of all, you have to remember that young comics? Yeah, I know. You remember that. You remember that. That's why you can feel the female comics on funny and this and that. All night, you necessarily, but all new comics are female comics are funny and this and that like all and not you necessarily but all all new comics

or female comics like just like literally every open marker out there you are a female fucking comic yeah it's always the same shilly you don't remember me you can't do and all that shit like that's what I do I was new and then you earn the right to be a male comic eventually I never mind even female comics but yeah even female comics. Well yeah, even female comics. I look at them as male comics. Like, you know, like all fetuses are female until they either get a, I don't know, a comic somewhere. I don't remind people, if I've met him and we've hung out

and the next time I met him, I'm like blank, like give me the blank state. I never remind him, because I don't want to make him feel bad that I didn't remember me. Yeah, I mean, I could see when people don't remember me, like fucking Questlove, was it Amy's fucking barbecue Yeah, he's a good guy. He's a great guy. Amy's phone number after the found

I think all the comics to give him but he like wants to hang out with comics and shit, right? Really nice guy. I've bumped into him in Alaska after that like we just have to get off Right, and then I saw with pomegranate. Hey, what's up, man? I could just see on his face. He had no But the guy's not at that party. Yep. But the thing is like, I was like, all right, he's not gonna remember me. I get the same like the phrase.

Yeah, you cannot not remember your face. Well that's how I felt. Yeah, well your face is definitely memorable. Could you read the scare that you're gonna be raped? Yeah. Oh, that zombies exist. What? What?

What? So anyways, Mike Cannon, you last time was on the show, you was talking about, you know, as a friend at, um, once you explained it. I did this bit about the fleshlight. Right. You know what I did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I had said, and it's not, it's definitely not pro fleshlight. And I sent it to him and they posted it on their site, like all this shit sent me a few free ones.

Oh, are we getting free fleshlates? Yeah, man. Sent it to him and they posted it on their site like all this shit sent me a few free ones and oh Are we getting free fresh lights? I'm bringing that to work with me tomorrow. You fucking like the YKWD now, huh? Yeah, oh my god, the way you get one though. You have to fuck it live on the air in the other room While we're doing this room and from here You have to fuck it. You have to take a mic in the other room and fuck it and fuck it on the air. Yes. Is that okay? Do it. I'm not saying no just yet. Now let's do the show. Alright, so let's let's let's talk about these things. Yeah, that's just the case. Is that mine?

This is yours. Yeah, okay. It's a sleeve goes in this. Okay. so show us show us He said this is mine because this is actually a tight of a giant It you have a bigger cock to get a good picture of the mouth. Yeah, are you videotape of this? That's what this it I was watching some porn out the other day with my girl and it was a nacho V. Dahl You know him nacho. No, he stuck this this part and I couldn't figure what the fuck was he stuck this in a girl's He stuck this this part in it. I couldn't figure what the fuck was he stuck this in a girl's ass So wait a minute he put the flesh like it was fleshlight lips in her butthole some fucking Improving right there fucking and I was like what is that in that girl's ass? Oh like it's this so we took a fleshlight inwards and put it in her asshole Yeah, and then fuck that what are you stretching out?

I'll look at the plug. This is to see that. This is the key jay. Are you videotape in this? Don't forget to hang out. All right, so there's a thing in the middle, a plastic tube. Oh my God. This one is the Jessica Drake, heavenly sleeve. Oh, okay, so this is current. We'll have this the current. Sure, yeah, this already stuck my finger in a tunnel.

Yeah, so there you go. So you play what you're doing to everybody. I know. There's a rubber sleeve that comes separate. It's a pussy. It's a pussy. Oh, there are other simulated vaginas. Oh yeah, yeah.

They have a few, I only have two porn star ones, but they have like different, they have avatar pussies. Like they have zombie pussies. They have a tite. They have a tite. What's the age of them in the pussies? I don't know. They have a tite of the two-year-old.

They do have like a pure where it's like, it's a small, real, sheer. I think it is called a pure, yeah. Does it scream and does blood shoot out of it? Can you hear a car pull up in the driveway? It sounds stupid. Comes with brownie purges. The best part of these is the little tube

that's inside of the vagina You can use as a fucking help a rape whistle That is awesome to yeah, they have I see what the other sleeves look like No, you don't want to get tempted that yours right there No, because there's two in there that a mine I kind of would like a darker one. Well that one was That's mine that one was yeah, but I think there's a there's another one the same thing. What do you mean? How many do you have? I have five five. Yeah, which one's that? That one's this one is the stamina training

That's the training when you have an extra one of those. Uh, yes. Why is it on you? I'm meeting really all right So because you're training you You're training for a marathon? You're gonna train different. Does it have a special feature that helps us stay there? I guess, I mean they said apparently this one feels good. This is the first one they gave me too. That is molded out of that woman's actual vagina. Right, this one.

You're not into it. Which one to do? You don't want that one. Well, I mean, I just like to look at the various vagina. I mean, look at the next one. Which one to do you, Mike? When you got your first one? They gave me the stamina training kit. As I referenced my girlfriend in the bit and they said this would help. I mean, I just like to look at the various majority. I look at the next one. Which one did you use, Mike, when you got your first one?

They gave me the stamina training cap, because I referenced my girlfriend in the bit, and they said this would help. Have you tried fucking one of them? Yeah, yeah. I had one. They gave me a new one, too, because it's a nightmare after like a dozen times.

Yeah, you can't even. Well, you got to get a wash it out. You're not just leaving it in there. You don't pull out of the flashlight. You leave it in, like. It's one of the perks, right? You to come in it? Yeah, so I would pull out. You don't pull out of the flashlight, you leave it in like... It's one of the perks, right? To come in it? Yes, I would pull out.

You got to pull out with real people. So you're coming in it. So this way you got to do it. It's a nightmare to clean, much like real people. Here's the deal. What do you want to do? You want to come in water, you want to clean. Right, well hold on, when you clean it, you got to like unscrew the bottom, which is the

grossest thing ever. Oh, little bit of the juice come out. Oh, little juice. Just a sh**. Just a sh**. From bone fucking and spit gourd. bottom which is the grossest little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little So you take this thing, you put the, you put, oh, I got a little too. Let's shut the fuck up, shut up, shut up. Listen, look at me, look at me. I want you to tell me, walk me through this. So the people at home that, not that everybody knows what this fucking is anyway.

So you take this fake vagina, you put it inside of what is a plastic flashlight looking thing. Yes, you fuck it. You fuck, well, you got to loop up. Of course, yeah, of course. You loop up because it's like, you know, skin. You fuck it. You fuck, well, you got to lube up. Of course. Yeah, of course. You lube up, because it's like, you know, skin. You fuck it.

You come inside of it, and then you screw off the bottom and the giz, pours out of the bottom. Slowly. Slowly, if you're healthy. Yeah. And then blood comes out. You're asshole. It's not your asshole. So then, after that, now when you clean it out,

do you push this, do you put this on the sink? That's what I do, yeah. You put that on your sink and you hot water, because hot water makes it egg. Yeah, I use cold because I'm scared of it warping. Really, the pussy warping, really. I don't know, I just feel like. Why is it gonna warp?

Because it's rubber. Okay, so then you clean this out. Do you have to use like detergent or what do you use? You don't know, I just feel like it. Why is it gonna warp? Because it's rubber. Okay, so then you clean this out. Do you have to use like detergent or what do you use? You don't use soap. Don't use soap. Yeah, the soap ruins it. What do you clean it with? Do they have, do they have like a cloth you can stick in

with the stick, like a musket? They have a, they have a, they have a, they pull it through. Cleaning a flute. Do they have a cleaner? They have a cleaner that they sell separate, they actually didn't even send it. Is it true, but you can say that. They didn is send you a cleaner. What's the company's name? Fleshlight flesh light. Yeah, okay. They love you. They were excited to have this on your show

I might feel weird buying a flashlight. Yeah, someone gave me one That's a hard lead Trying it It's a hundred percent of what I said this meant Just trying it out man. Let me try it before any of you guys buy it. If you consume a report, I got it for free. Sure it's working okay.

If you go to the website, it's really awesome, but they have like, they have these things where they hold like, it's almost like a mount where you can hold it. You can put it in and have sex with it as if it's a person like hands free. Like some of it's kind of silly. Holy Mary mother of God. So is there any way that you could get hard enough Kurt and fuck, just stick your dick in it right now and fuck it? No, I don't think so.

What if Kelly blew you halfway? We go for no big guy with it. That's okay, that's all right mate. What if Kelly's sister and Kelly? No, I'm bringing it. And why they were doing it they were going my baby Charlie They were reenacting lost episodes Well, we've been eaten John from Greece. What do you prefer? What's your flavor?

Kurt what kind of dodgy Australian activity prefer to come hard to? Different kinds Kelly was do you should get her own flesh like of her butt with real life blood You know the one below from Victor Perez that can I got the bleak steel joke also I climb those steps for a Bobby pitcher Yeah, that's just factory Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's good. I remember that. I am a fat fuck. Yeah, we're gonna go text Vinnie. Let's get Vinnie on the phone. Yeah, give him the number I gave you. Okay, you got the number. We have a new phone number guys. Um, if you guys want to try calling in, I don't know if

it's gonna work. What's the number Kelly? Okay, the number is three two three. Yes. Five four six. Number is 3 2 3 5 4 6 YKWD and But if you're stupid like me, it's 9 5 9 3 nobody stupid like you I said that to her she goes is that a is that a Y? Is that a 9 YKWD you fucking mourn fall the why is like the third letter of that did you and looks like do you go free? Give the number out one more time 3 2 3 5 4 three, five, four, six, YKWD. That's three, two, three, five, four, six, YKWD. Call now. All right, so text for any time to call right now.

Okay. So yeah, dude, I'm gonna fuck this thing. I can't wait to fuck this thing. Yeah. I used to have a half a torso. Yeah. It was literally a torso. It was the, you know, the pussy, the asshole. How was that? You could fuck the asshole. It was great, because it was flat on the bottom. You put it literally a torso. It was the you know the pussy the asshole

How was that the asshole? It was great because it was flat on the bottom you put on a bed and you just fuck it Oh really you actually would get into a I would put the pillows up for the top half like I'd make the rest of the body That's a lot of work though. No, not really do not to be able to fuck like I mean I didn't have to I mean I put it on the bed It stayed because of the plastic sticks to the sheets, and I would fuck it. I mean, fuck it. I'd fuck it, it's asshole.

I'd fuck her pussy. What is it now? I made it into a pen holder after a while. Cause my wife got mad that I was fucking it all the time. How often did she walk in on it? No, she didn't walk on me, fucking it, but she walked on on me like, getting lazy and not cleaning it up.

Like, it was just, oh, it was just in the bed. It looked like I murdered somebody, like a hogar. Yeah, she's so sick. And then I had a fly with it once, which was fucking disturbing. You know what? Fly with it in a bag.

Oh, yeah, it looked like I saw it somebody. I would leave it at home, man. Yeah, I did finally. And then after a while I just stuck a bunch of sharpies in it. It was on my it was on my desk Made a grape and all there was just like I was a conversation piece. Yeah, I was just walking through the subway with a bag full of pocket Five of them and there's just cops and checkpoints Yeah, I'm scared I'm gonna be the one

Just a man arrested today carrying five But there's a thing you're not in fucking Omaha. You're in New York City Yeah, you know, it's it's like everything one thing I would recommend for the cleaning is don't put it back in Immediately put your dick back in no, no don't put your dick back Don't forget immediately after you don't put the sleeve back in immediately leave it on like a drying rack Immediately after you put the sleeve back in immediately leave it on like a drying rack Air dry have you ever Kelly sister oh god Have you have have you walked in on your husband or your boyfriend?

You have a husband of a boyfriend, yeah boyfriend and you walked in and you have he was fucking one of these Say about the bell. It's my mother All right, sure we left. All right, let me. Hello. Hello. Hi, mom. Are you okay? Yeah, listen, I'm doing my podcast right now.

Can we, can I call you back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, you love me? Of you. Yes, I do. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Is that someone calling through?

Hello. Awesome. Scott, bye bye. Bye. Is that someone calling through? Hello. All from Scott from the working. All right. Scott you're on the air. Hey Robbie, what's up? Scott from the working man. Joe, how are you? Hi buddy. How are you? Hey Scott. Hey Scott.

Not to bad. Okay, what's up? What do you got? What do you got? Scott is from a really good podcast from Boston Mass. I did last time I was there to two cool guys. They brought me a shrimp scampy pizza. Nice. How fucking great was that? Wow.

I ate it by myself. I didn't even offer them any. What a dick. I left. I just left with the pizza. Didn't even offer a slice. And we were really drooling over it, too. What's your fact guys?

We could appreciate it. But nothing. I know. You know, shrimp scampy pizza, you can't help it smell it it's just like with you they're talking to me and I'm just just waiting for this fucking interview to be oh so I can go back up to the room and get my panties and put a towel over my fucking lap. That's fucking exactly what I did.

Fucking beautiful. I just wanted to give you a ring and say thanks again for those tickets. I appreciate you taking the time off of the little guy., you got it buddy. You guys check out their podcast. What's it given the podcast again give me the address So so our Twitter name is at working main radio and it's from the working in commas our website All right, those are good guys and what's the what's the tell you if you guys are in Boston you want some fucking good food Tell them the name of the place with that trim scampy pizza came from It was told to me in pizza and child thought oh God the fucking best food I've ever had One of the best places in child's down if you don't get mugged rape to rob getting there

Go Go there and get some fucking pizza man. It's great. All right, buddy. Thanks for calling in Hey, have a good one. Thank my buddy I've got um yeah I hung up on my mother to talk to a fat guy haha yeah you want to talk to her? uh not now I don't think she wanted to be on the show what you what you problem oh no I think Mike needs to go he's got a whole show all right so where's my give me my flesh like I'm gonna empty him out of the bag will you give me mine give me my two that I I picked out?

You picked out you already? Yeah, dude. I'm the host Oh, my fair enough, but you get you can have whatever you want. Oh, yeah Whatever you see the I don't know how big your dick is The only thing you stuff for like the boys that insinny stuff for the girls That's it. Yeah, you know what you have for girls are dicks. Yeah, okay? Yeah, you can walk up to anybody in this Our Dix. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You can walk up to anybody in this room right now and go fuck me and we will.

Mm-hmm. Okay. And that good. Yeah, we can't. So we have to fuck an animal objects. All right, you don't have to do that. You can set up one of these microphones if you want. I kind of wish I had a Dixuck and see what it feels like.

You really? Yeah, I mean, I mean, trade. Yeah. This is fascinating as fuck. All right, so this is a clear one. Oh god. Oh, seeing a watch at sludge. Oh my god, is that you?

Was that the Rosa? Ha ha ha ha. The Rosa's belly hair. Jesus Christ, that's beautiful. Oh boy. Okay, okay, this is this one. Which one is the I like? I'm taking, I'm taking,

I'm gonna take the training one. We got over there. I I'm taking the training one. What do you got over there? I'm going to take the training one. That's the training one. You already got one. Yeah, you can take that one. Oh. And then I'm going to take the, I'm going to take this one, the ice, the little tiny one.

And you get a hold of that gold. So, if you come first. Yeah. So check this out. Make sure, well, you want to plug these guys. Yeah Good like calm to grab any of those we're gonna give one of these away to a listener Okay Yeah, we got Dan one too. All right cool

You got the sleeves for them though you got them all right there We're gonna give one of these away to a listener. All right. And if you want to follow Mark Cannon, I am Mike Cannon on Twitter. Look, I need one. I wonder if anybody wants to come to levity live Wednesday. Say it on the mic.

Levity live, you were just there. Yeah, go ahead. Talk on the microphone. I'm doing Wednesday, October 3rd, 8PM, Chris DeStefano. Yeah, former guest here is headlining and I'm featuring I know that guy. Hey, thanks Mike for the dildos are the reversal, man. What'd you take two? Would you take one? It's a two fleshlite. Should I not it took two?

Don't take take one. You don't need to stand as the other one. Yeah, we're gonna get Dan and we're gonna give Joe one Then we're gonna give a fan one. hey, you don't take two for your fucking Your own pussy got sick and have one you only get one flesh light Just take one you know take two flesh lights. I got to give one to a fan I get what do you mean you which one are you taking? Which one I got the gold one'm just going to take the one that I had. Which one? The one that you used to have? I got the gold one.

You're not going to take this one? Why is this better? I don't know. It's a training one. What does that mean? I don't know. You train with it. And you get it.

They prepare it. How would I train with it? I don't know. Maybe it's a nice tighter one. I don't know. It's just a fucking... I'll listen. Here we go.

Vinny Brand. Vinny. Are you guys ready? Yeah. All right, here we go. All of them. It's Vinny Brand. Yeah, we Vinny brand Vinny. Hi, you guys ready. Yeah, all right. Here we go Phone It's Vinny brand. Yeah, we can't see Vinny. Hey Vinny Vinny you're on the air you only you know what dude podcast how you doing buddy?

I'm doing okay. I know them. We're doing good. We just pass We're passing out Flush lights right now fucking dildos things you fuck Well, I don't know current tried to steal two cuz he's too fleshlides Yeah, cuz he's white trash hey congratulations van by the way I know hey, we got these dildos. Congratulations on your newborn. Apparently, you don't come into fucking in-animage objects.

I'm trying with a fleshlates. I don't know how you should have it. Look in there, you're under one thing and you're left. No, we got Kurt Matsker. Kelly Fistuka. Kelly Sista from Australia. We call her Kelly 2.0. That's from second by one. a man Kelly sister from Australia we call her Kelly 2.0 so what's up Van what's going on

oh man you know what I swear to God I'm having fun brand new baby you gotta work but I'm having fun I got that you know you can watch you all my life. You're so handsome. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, too. You're on the show, man. And listen, now you got a new baby. You know, I'm trying to have a baby. And I'm happy for you.

But you have, I mean, you know. Can you give Bobby yours? No. Is it a baby mine? No, don't listen to her. Listen, Kelly, you have a couple of other kids. I'm going to give you a baby. I'm going to give you a baby. I'm going to give you a baby. I'm going to give you a baby. don't listen to her

Kelly you have a couple of again i want to hit you with this mic can you give baby you listen i want to say this though how old are you fifty seven fifty and fifty and fifty make you feel younger really

You don't have to worry about paying for pop yeah, I know for that paying for college. It's all good because you're gonna be dead I'm gonna be shit in my pants anyways Yeah, okay. I'll pay right now. If you have a baby at like 65, think about that. You get like the first 10 years where a baby is really fun. Yeah. And then it seems to work.

I mean, it could be really tough. If you have a baby like Tony Randall, bring Randall out of the baby at 72. And right when the baby started to stick in his finger and a electric socket, Tony Randall looked down, and he died. That's a great plan. Yeah, that is a good one. I'm sure you do the correct thing. Why do you want to be a baby, started to stick in a finger and a electric socket, Tony Rennel looks bad done, and he dies. That's a great plan.

Yeah. That is a great plan. Sure, you do the correct thing, you do the brisk. But here's the thing though, bro, did you, did you, what did you have sex and she got pregnant or did you have to do all kinds of other stuff? Now I'm very, I'm very, very, very fertile. I'm like, I'm really, I'm very, very fertile. I'm a, I got, really, super fertile. I got, I, I think age, I figure I have about 10 left and one of the megastore. So, can you, can you do me a favor? Can you come in one of these fleshlights so I can pour it in my wash vagina? I'll just be like as soon as I start to come on

I'll just lock my legs and pour that in What you say? I don't know if you know it. But if you try too hard, it's like I remember the time when I was trying for years and it said, I'm done. I'm never going to get pregnant as a woman. And she started with an emotional adoption. And they sent me adopted papers through and a month later she is pregnant. Now she has a beautiful white baby and a crazy little black baby.

Now the 45 was. She got pregnant. She's like, call the adopted. Wow, really? Oh my god That's sad the kid the kid that is fucking best outfit on

It is books tied up in a knot ready to go. They gave us better way. The game is better way. It's just sleeping the floor for the next six months until the beds available again. Yeah, we know they did. The best part about that is it's probably what it was getting to. Yeah, you know, your first parents didn't want you. This was on the one you ate. Yeah, it's awful. But she had never gotten never got to the point where they're actually gonna

the option takes forever. She was a thomping a baby, right? I mean, not a child, like a baby. They didn't send back like a kid who thought he was going to live with parents or something. Yeah, like a seven-year-old. It's like, where am I going now? Yeah, you can pick up like a young Kurt Mesker two weeks. I would. I want that guilty. I would take it. I would take a

Kurt Mezker a young one. Yeah. Yeah. With my whole future. Before the before the five o'clock shadow and all the belly hair. Yeah. Yeah. A year. I Once you get pregnant once yeah, I predict you will get pregnant If you want another one that'll happen right away me my wife not me my wife. Yeah Well, here's the deal. Can I tell you can I tell you something what happened the last time that we banged We banged and it was really good sex. And I woke up and I actually called my manager

the next day and told him this and I told my wife this, is while we were banging and I was coming, I would start doing some goofy shit just to make her giggle, because I wanted to make her laugh. I was like, I was like, listen, I just started doing stupid shit and I was making noises and I started singing and she started just laughing. What the fuck? As I was coming, I was how you I think that's how you make a baby

If you giggle in your laugh while I'm gizzin in you then it opened it up your veg canal and the juices flow a little better and you relax You know that's and then it gets to the egg and then swear to god yeah Yeah, I know, I'm with her. So then later that night, this really happened. This really, no joke, this really happened. I was sleeping, I woke up, I woke up, and I saw a fucking her mother.

Almost, listen to me, this is fucked. I know this is gonna sound fucked up, this really happened. I woke up, I saw her mother holding her, like spooning her. And then she looked at me and yelled at me, like, I didn't hear words, I just, like a face, like, turn around, stop bothering us. And then I just turned around, because I was scared, I was like, what the fuck?

And I just lied there and I went back to sleep, okay? Was it a dream? I don't know, look, I remember being up, I remember waiting, seeing it, being freaked out and like I saw Somebody her mom it looked like I'm holding her like spooning her and I don't know what she was doing to like Doing something to her what that's giving me goosebumps and then when I rolled over This is a real story a real story real story. My mom was staying with you She's dead her mother's dead. Oh, you saw the ghost of her mom her mom's dead god damn

That's a fucking mom is right. Yeah, I'm gonna drink. I forgot about that part Let me just come over in the middle of the night and wait. What are you doing? Stop looking at us. Where's ghost? The buddy by this the buddy by this worst ghost story ever We got the light the ghost in it. All right, so let me just, wow, let me have forgot that part. She's dead. Her mom didn't sneak into the bed.

I thought I thought you meant. And by the way, so you dream, you gotta dream. That's what you just told us. No, I don't, okay, you can say it's a dream, but I was a way. Because it was a dream. I was a way. No, I believe those dreams, I have those dreams all the time.

I woke up, I told my man, I called my manager up. I was like dude the fucking crazy shit happen last night I don't know if I was sleeping or awake. It was real Because I get crazy night terrors right used to I don't get him as bad anymore Right, there's an actual in between a sleep and awake state. That's where I was at. Yeah, and that you see shit like that And it's not so if she gets pregnant though, you think that vinyi i've got to tell you that the other night so any of it maybe she was that back to great story and i'm a patient of that i know that i have a fucking around it

i think she had a half of all time and i don't know what i believe like i don't know i know that i know when i moved into my first house with Vicki, my dad had, I don't want to do anything else right now. My dad died and, uh, how he had my brother took and my brother called me up and was like, I'm moving out of the house. Come take the house. I'm like, what's the matter? He's having a conflict. I go, oh, okay. I'm telling you so much wild shit happening in that house. And then it's like I say, it's going along, long story. But when I hear you tell that story on my clip, it's like, it wouldn't surprise me if

a month from now you told me, hey, I'm having a headache. I'm gay I'm a mother was really Confident I have long I expected that I really am just a fucking I mean everybody thinks I'm a homo who thinks about you me everybody All day long like you gay you gay

himself is enough. Did you do any every doing a gay shit? Well, when your her mother passed away her mother passed away. Jesus man Had to be three or four years ago. She passed away. I loved her mom her mom was the best Her mom was this crazy fucking, you know tough Boston broad You know she sat at the end of the table, she controlled everything. You know, we go to Vegas where she'd have these, she was in like a wheelchair

and she'd have these envelopes that she'd hand you with just money in it. That's the way she fucking did. She'd be a take this, it'd be an envelope. And she was dying, she was like, let me fucking die. I'm gonna stay home and die. That's what I'm doing. I'm not quitting smoking, I'm gonna stay home and die. That's what I'm doing.

I'm not quitting smoking. I'm not stopping eating food. So they literally had to cover one side of the table with tin foil because she would fall asleep with a cigarette in her hand all the time. So they just, she wouldn't stop smoking. So they just covered the table with tin foil. And you'd look and there was like burn marks

on her night gown. And she'd just look over. She'd be having a cigarette in one hand, a piece of lamb in the other. Oh my God. She was like burn marks on her nightgown and she'd just look over she'd be having a serum one hand a piece of lamb and the other Oh my god, she was like fucking 80 something. Yeah, so that's like my mom She's old like she smokes the guys is also got stains all in her her Duna covers. Oh what what what cover? Update this shit American style. I will refuse to fucking Simulate do they do that yeah, I will not assimilate on thisilate. Do they? Do they? Do they? Do they? Yeah. I will not

assimilate on this job. Wait, what did you call it? Tell me. A doona. Doona? Doona. Exactly. Do-o-o-n-a. I never heard that. No they are. Yeah, that's because you're not an asshole. Can you use that? You got them American. That's what I know. And they got a letter Z too. Do you know that about them? Yeah, I know. So does a Canada. Canada has that too. Z. We say H, not H. con volotea la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, lincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros.

Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Vinnie, ¿y ahí? Sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí about your situation. Well, here's a deal. She passed away. She was awesome. She loved me, too. She laughed at all my shit. And then she'd have a coughing fit. Because you were like, yeah, oh, I should fucking almost die every time I made a laugh. But she was awesome. I had this joke in my act because her bedroom,

there was an old, old house they lived in, okay? And the only bathroom in the house was through the parents bedroom. So if you had to stay over there, if we were staying there, and you had to take a shit or go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you had to tip through their bedroom into the bathroom to drop a doose while they're sleeping.

That sounds great. I was fucking, you know, uncomfortable that was when I first started dating this broad, I just just pee out the window. I used to pee out her fucking second floor window I Been with her. I've known her for over 15 years What's that? My girl just texted me about the flashlight Yeah, and she asked if I want to stick it in her vagina and fuck it like a pussy turd ducking

stick it in her vagina and fuck it like a pussy turd ducking that's the name of the show pussy pussy turd ducking why have one when you can have one inside the other one why do you have flashlights there well the kid why not so you have a mind of you if any have you ever fucked anything

besides of a giant i'll be honest i was curious about the flashlight but i know what about myself are you never you you yeah go ahead now so you just you just viginus yet pretty much and i'm just looking at for the and

you've had no you jerk off the issues you hand you've a f*** a shampoo bottle sink no what do you want to fuck it with a monotonous even that way no no i haven't. Yeah, well, I know what, are you going to tell me that it's,

it's linked in a way that's good? Yeah, it's different in the way that it's good because you don't have to fucking watch the voice after you're done fucking it. Wow, yeah. Dude, how many Did you do that like post fucking guilt like I know it's a lie shit my girl wants to do that I want to do like what just anything she wants to watch. I don't want to watch on TV

Oh, I'm sorry talking with sexually. No, no, no, I'll do whatever she wants. I'll do it really but after I look you know what I love your girl wave? I love your girl. I love her even more now. Yeah, she's hilarious, dude. But this is why I told her, it was like, if we have a fuck for a while, I lose my sense of obligation to give a shit about what she wants.

You know what I mean? That was so honest. Yeah, like, it had so much sense of it. I told it to us. I came when I was like a few days ago and by we had fucked around. I'm like, just complaining about something. I'm like, look, I can't care. Like if you're not, do you know what I mean? Like if you haven't fucked me, like, it's like I lose my connection.

Yeah, I just lose your connection. It's well done. It's just losing, giving a shit what you're, your complaints are like, I just, you know, yeah. I'm like, oh, let's see what you want on TV what your, your complaints are like I just you know, yeah I'm like oh, let's see what you want on TV like I'll do that after I got fuck cuz I feel like right I almost feel guilty Like I can't believe this girl let me do that to her We put on what she wants a little object specter. Yeah, but if we have a fuck for a while I'm like I don't care what you want really you're gonna smoke and hot too. She's way out of your league

I I never fuck way out of your league i i never thought not out of my league how long is there a per five years almost five years you know it's amazing to me robert this is what makes me happy even though you have to do the conversation down that dark alleyway let me tell you something

this would make me happy you're you have a real life you have makes me happen. You have a real life, you have a wife and a house and a real life. You've heard me answer with a girl for five years. That's impressive, because I remember back a while, not even that long ago, I was thinking, holy shit. None of these comedians have lives. They're all miserable. Listen, if you don't hit this business and you don't have a wife and a real wife, you wake up one day and they're and listen if you don't hit this business and you don't have a wife family or wife. Do we cut one down there? Okay, we're fiscal because yes, nothing. And I mean, I'm happy to cut your marry like that.

Well, I should just want to get married. I don't really want to either right now. But I mean, it's not that I wouldn't marry. Just we kind of from the outside said we were just going to break up eventually. So that kind of had, I think made it last longer. You just talked about, you just actually talked about the majority of fucking famous comedians. What? They don't have anything. It's just them. Oh, yeah. A lot of people don't have wives and kids. Kelly doesn't know what? Yeah. I think that might things better because we said we were going to break up. Like when we got

together, we're probably we're going to break up eventually. So it'll just be cool. Whatever. So I think that might things better because we said we were gonna break up like when we got together We're probably we're gonna break up eventually so it'll just be cool whatever So I think it lasted longer because of that I'm more of a prepaid credit guy like you know Like if you marry somebody I think you go off their credit. It does that way like that tells you how they are a long-term commitment Which I'm not I'm not good with that You know a good long term. I'm a pay as you go guy like yeah, you're a yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Deadbeat, I guess, you just, I'm the lack of a better word.

Yeah, you're a phone at fucking 7-11, instead of going and signing a contract at AT&T and getting shitty service for fucking two years. You go get one at, have 7-11, you use it, and you throw it out. Yeah, yeah. Best boost mobile. Yeah, but, I'm a boost mobile relationship. Yeah, you're an Arab. I don't want to have kids, dude

I'm like, you're gonna want it, but she's young now. You know what? She's pretty young. Where's that? She feels that fucking how would she that change that shit will change? Yeah, she's not that desperate baby. Let me tell you I never wanted kids in my life And people with kids that like you've I used to call them fun ruiners Vacation takers. What do you want to do now cash vacuums? Because because There's something happens when you look at your wife and you look at yourself and you're like I would I think I think I need to um, I

Need that responsibility in my life. I need to be unselfish. I need to I need to pass this on and and change what happened to me. I need to give somebody else a better life and a better shot. And plus you look at your wife and you like, oh my god, she makes such a good mom. And then you know, you're sitting there with a kid, you know what I mean? Dan Soda just showed up people. What's up buddy? Monster voices here. We're talking to Vinnie Brand on the phone talking about selfish pussy So sit down everybody dance out is there? Kali will you tweet out that dance out to just stepped in the room what's up? Yeah go ahead Vinnie. Yeah buddy I'm listening to your own your own headphones on you said that you want to be stopping selfish

i'm going to pay for and okay this and i'm going to follow my whole life i have my first kid at twenty two i don't know anything else anyway i never did all the self-esteem of people that i will pay this i think having kids is the most selfish thing.

Like a friend of mine said, dude, you're starting over again. And his perspective was you're starting over again, isn't that miserable. And my perspective was at four o'clock in the afternoon, after a really, really hard day yesterday, and a hard day all day today. My daughter came from school and we're in the backyard jumping on the trampoline. That's the most fucking selfish I could ever be. I'm like, I'm 50 years old and I'm bouncing on a trampoline like I'm 10. And to me, it's fucking nothing better. I mean, so I think I can't stop it.

Can I just tell you as you're telling this beautiful story, how about your beautiful daughter bouncing on a trampoline and that's just an amazing, oh my God, moment of life, we're passing around fake pussies. Yeah, and Dan Soda's gonna fuck him too. Dan Soda's actually sticking his finger in one right now. Yeah, you gotta take the pole out of that fake pussy for your fuckhead.

There's a little thing in there. I'll go on about your children. You got to clean that fake pussy from the bottom. Dan let the jeans just full right now. So you're saying about thing? You're going to blow through the pussy like this. That's the tube that was hitting me. Where were you saying? No, I was just saying, I hear what you're doing and I hear the laugh from her. I'm just telling you. No, what was you doing? Well, it is selfish because the world's got too many fucking people.

We don't need all of you shit more kids into it polluting it. Okay, so yeah, very so I'm the unselfish guy who's not having kids I'm a more man Bobby than you by the way hang on hang on second video, okay? Hang on hold on Awesome All right, you're on the air real quick what's happened man it's going to be a viny brand on hold we want to we uh... let me see some we're gonna merge the calls hang on

of any you're on you're on with what you name this is uh... christmas what will you think you need mister brinkel i miss the brinkels on the air with viny brand what's happening? Video you there? Good guys. Vinny you're on the phone with a caller. What are you saying? I was just saying I'm enjoying the show. I'm glad you guys are doing a live. I am listening on the riot cast app on my iPad. Oh, that's good. How's that going? Good. It's a great app. It's working really solid so far.

Awesome. Awesome. Great, man. Well, thanks for what's up, Kelly. Mr. Brinkley, we'll start at the time. Oh, you're doing it, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I saw you in Emerton. I saw you here in Saskatoon a few years ago. You guys hear that? That is Kirk finger f***ing a flesh fly. He's finger f***ing. Oh my god. You have fingers are the size of my dick, by the way.

Look at that. Kurt and show you how much it's. You know, last bite are a great gift. They are great gift, man. Hold on. Just my trusty fake pussy. I don't know if you guys know, but I used to be on Twitter damn Soda's penis.

Oh. Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god. on twitter damn soldiers penis oh yeah oh my god i got a good time for life sorry i'm just trying to watch a curt thing i'm so looped up there i'm on this show right now i think we're just listening now you're on the show

he just finger fucked one of these things and it sounded like this chick i fucked in high school it's a political but it's a real i listen to it hang on what we're gonna uh... dump on you hang on viny hang on for a second okay hey do thanks for calling the show we appreciate it man thank you mr.

brink absolutely i'm you're good man you're a good man your later buddy he's great good guys hang it out thanks being a day Vinnie you're back on it's just you okay yeah yeah yeah it's funny Robert when you get when you get caught or get caught in yeah you probably talked to a fucking caller you probably got a call her probably it's got to be it's got to be calling my cell phone

probably i'll box you well here's a deal this is the problem Vinnie is that when people call in they go hey right now okay and then you look over and you get Kurt Finger fucking a pussy yeah and then you get Dan just watching and getting hard and biting my bottom lip and

then he get Kelly fucking voice over it and then we got you critiquing my fucking phone skills. I'm not I don't I don't. I don't. But I agree. If you're gonna call in, don't just call in have something to say. You know, and when you done just check out, you know, so it's not uncomfortable And you know just alright punching out I'm good. I'm gone, but if I put you down you're calling in the Bobby Kelly laugh We got to take it to call it from Saskatchewan when you think of the jets loses of the 49ers 34 to zero We have a Sanchez show up in the dinner was it the 49er defense? All right, we're gonna be in the Bobby Kelly live. Here's another call. Hang on.

We're talking to your sports. Hello. Hey, you're calling back. Okay. I can't even do it. Good. You're calling back. You're on the air, Bobby Kelly live.

Ticking calls. What do you want to talk about? You want to talk about the giants? You want to talk about the gents? You're talking about the Yankees. Go to the playhouse. What do you want to talk about? Are you here?

You are, sports, the under disarray. Hello Hey, who's that? Hey, what's up? What's going on? You here? Can you be the voice of my fake vagina that I'm holding in my hands? I shut up. Jesus. Hello Hello, is this I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at everybody talking over you. Who is this? I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at everybody talking over you. Who is this? Tara, oh, hey Tara. Hi, Tara. Where you from? Damn it Dan. Dan's not talking right now. That's actually a pussy This is the flesh like character.

This is a bad idea. The two of you need to do finger fucking and melting up a giant. Hang on, hang on. What's your name, pussy? What is that name, pussy? This is the voice of push in the body. This is Christ. Do you like widens out? What are you fucking?

Hang on, hang on. Shut the fuck up. Can you shut up? Can you shut up? Tara! Let me have yours. Tara! I made too stretching. It's not going to have no friction for me.

Let me put my fingers in. No, it's... Come on, my face got to go in there. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Shut the fuck up. Hello. Hey, what's up, buddy? What's up, buddy?

Who's this? Clarence and he can What's up, Clarence? I was in the podcast actually I just saw you tweeted this number or whatever and I just I call it back and you guys are talking about flesh lives Yeah, yet you have uh... i had one i know you guys are uh...

we're good broke up with me did it leave you get to throw it in a turtle pond with a gun homie lonely like me as a friend. I Got rid of it because it's hard to maintain yeah To pull out as I mean, I'm gonna pull out of my flashlight that's just fucking I Just pull out dude Need to put a face on the bottom of the flashlight so you could turn it around

Genius all right. Yeah, flashlight with a face on the bottom of the fleshlice, you can turn it around. That's genius. Alright, yeah, fleshlet with a face on the bottom of it. Yeah, but here's the thing is they have the whole body that you can fucking fuck. That's weird, that's way too much of an investment. You want the whole fucking body? Yeah, the whole fucking body! I think so. Yeah, I think so. Are you still there, dude?

Yeah, I'm sorry, man. Alright. Well, just thinking about the flesh like that got away Just thinking about that one That's gonna be me soon. It was fucking mouths, told you. So, when you threw it, where did you throw it away? How did you throw it in the trash?

In a creek. Oh, I was in my house, you know, like in the kitchen, in the kitchen, we have, you know, you have the trash in the kitchen. So what I did was I waited till it got full, and I kind of put it towards the middle, so no one could see it, if's a poke down or the bagger Alright You're getting rid of a buddy

We great if your kid found it you came in he was just chewing on it Yeah, you're doing something fucking deep. No, you're flat. You want to hear some awesome? When I and it's just it looks like a cinnabon on the side of his cheek and mouth. No, listen, listen, Bobby Sorry, buddy. I got it. My girl used to live in a burrow park with these Wait, let me finish my story there. I got one Oh hang on hang on He's gonna get it out there to say Chris. He's me holding it. Yeah Kurt has the talking flesh

Well hold the flag to talk into it. I had that I had a talking about disposing of a sex story my my We my girl is living burrow park with these fucking Israelis, right? And uh I don't know they didn't like me to say the least let's say like one time I drank Rose lifted weights I drank creatine out of the guy's prayer cup with the two handles And I didn't like you know that you I didn't know it was a fucking is like one of His Jew hand washing cup like a cell like a cello, it's maybe a drink of it. It looks like a big mighty cup to drink the fucking Jim Bro team's out of here.

So I mixed up pre-teen, they didn't know, but it was like in the, there's no such thing. Anyway, so we're sitting in the living room and the one girl who lived there comes up and goes, do you know what this is? And she's holding up a butt plug that their dog had been chewing on. Nice.

Specifically a butt plug that I just used on my girlfriend like half hour earlier I never played so dumb I didn't know I'd do what that is we just sat like we had no idea her dog was sucking on our used butt plug and carrying all through the house all right what's up man there's another call with this is the last one we're taking this is just too... what's up man this another call with this is the last one with taken this is just to work out what's up to go on bobby let's end up call you show in Boston but can kill that

thank you thank you i i i i i was uh... lucky enough to get mister soda across the street for a drink oh yeah i know this is awesome but my uh... but my life wouldn't let me. So, uh, but, uh, just wanted to call and say thanks for doing this. Really love the show. And, uh, you guys kill it. He's a good guy. I had a beer with him at a rock bottom brewery. Rock bottom, the shittiest bar in the fucking world. He's got a lot of positive calls on this show.

Yeah. A lot of positive people. And then my, this new app I have is called positive calls. Oh, so when they say Screen your process I got a call. Hello you there Who is this oh, is this what's his name? Same guy All right, buddy, take it easy. Yeah listen, if you get a call in, no one to punch out. Because I'm not a professional caller.

Okay, and I would love to hand this over to Kelly, but it would just now, because it's a fucking mess, you'll fuck it up, I know you will. I don't want to yell at you in front of your sister. Oh shit, Vinny Brand. Vinny, Vinny. Hey what worked? Sorry buddy, I was trying to mix the calls and a go fucked up

uh... uh... i think it was much i will get a wrap this up anyways vinyne were you at this weekend i'm not sure factory i don't think it's i know i don't like all of us like my club but i think i do something i don't know i think that room

brings about people like i watch you speak and like to see what wrong this is dude i love work

on my face i like working a couple of a lot dude the only show that is like a nightmare of all of them is all the Saturday late show for some reason

i don't know why the drunkest animals in the world show up to that show. Really? They're all like great shows. I think so. I love all the shows. Look at me and Norton were talking about this. It's one of our my favorite clubs to play in the world. That's the first club I ever played.

It was Vinnie's club. It's a fucking great club. I mean, it's a lot of crazy stuff. I mean, there's crazy people. Sometimes it gets a little bit. It's never two nuts. I mean mean people there to laugh and they're there if you're funny they're there to have a fucking good time I've never had the best sets of my I mean just the best sets of my life at the club you know

do you use dance soda at the club I am not I don't know what I'm looking to I'm telling you Vinnie you should use most of listen to dude this this kid I'm not joking is one of the funniest mother fuckers coming up you better get him now Because you can get him for cheap They're cheap Absolutely Yeah Based on your recommendation, I will book the guy he's there giving my number down the call Yeah, I'm gonna be saying this about my show because

You could I want your audience like in other words, I think you are audience is your audience. Yeah, yeah I want I want your people if someone calls from this show for this podcast I don't know what to do to one of our podcast so i want to get something to make it to the air i heard you know what to do i don't i say you do this

i say this anybody listen in livin in jerry wants to get tickets go see vinyus thursday friday saturday uh... call given the number Vinnie. 732-545-4242. And ignore him with your e-says. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Make sure you go, call up. Support him this weekend. Call up, say you heard him on this show, and you can get two, what is it, two for one? I can't hear. Two for one? is it two for one? Two for one tickets. He gave away, for my show he gave away two free tickets, for the show it's two for one. But anyways, the give them all away positive and far away six-week ticket six-week tickets

call right now now a herfou show i will plan this weekend i will pay the i get an hour here i've got a new hour i've got a lot of new hour yeah listen to that i'm gonna say this uh... viny brand is

for the only club but he's funny is no fucking way around it i said it to somebody the other day before i was playing there he's funny is not like the other club owners that a fucking around it be instant here you actually kill it so go see him you'll have a fucking blast and he owns the club

and usually gives away free shit at the end of the show that i always have way free shit i always give away free shit and Robert i love having that i hope your show goes i want to know when that show goes absolutely i'll let you know that i want to know good luck with that i want to know when your wife gets pregnant and i'm telling you something to come down with your kid i will put you in a trampoline i would you two

that should you have five million hit can i get my one trampoline with your kid if you have a me on a trampoline with my kids and fucking a flashlight i think we'll get millions of it's a vinyne vinyne when did you end up having the baby after i was like three days of like no kid coming out when i was there doing the show like was it was it was it's about this up twenty

minutes ago well i don't know what he said i said when did you actually have the baby like what what was the most down there was like three days of waiting for the baby to come out like when did she finally come out oh shim out of nineteen it was really really it was, it was a really, really hard delivery. Like, I'll take it from the right now. I had, I, I almost passed after the delivery. And it's not a great moment when you hear a doctor yelling, check the blood pressure. And so, never goes to your wife and he's going, no, no, not her, him. And it was, hey, because I started thinking, like, people died wearing

childbirth. I was really getting weak out a little bit. But I ended up watching my daughter and a boy, the blood pressure come from my arm and off, and it got on my face. Oh my God. Which was not, oh my God. There wasn't my best moment. Well, Vinnie, it would have been sad sad but also a little funny if you died during childhood haha

i i i i i couldn't hear oh yeah i know it's all right listen to you and we're going to take off i'm sorry i didn't get it at night and i really appreciate you calling let me call it yeah and uh i'm i'm looking at it today and i know what i miss yeah come on in next time and uh... make sure you check out vinais weekend at the uh... lafactory thursday friday saturday's headlining the shows what's the number again give the number again i mean the stress factor stress at the last

uh... stress well it when you're on stage it turns from the stress factory to the laugh factory. it's just a bunch of laughs. good save. thank you Rob. stress factory.

545. ha ha. 442. yeah ha ha. and uh, Vinnie on the score brand on Twitter. yeah make sure you hit him up. that's what you do. you get people to uh, retweet that they heard you on the show you give them tickets

okay uh... working on the corporate repeat rubber show i'll give you free ticket on the twitter record that's her coming out of the set after him to get to show that i uh...

i but you got to use that as monster voice too soon he's he's good and ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's kind of deaf he is so that's why he's like what what is gets a little fucking monotonous welcome Dan now We hit the fourth quarter rob a Kelly live call now when they say we're in the Yeah, we're just things I'm not doing phones no more. Yeah, fuck phones. Yeah Why you know it's funny is when you when you said laugh factory I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of the semantics behind fucking a flesh like I was like, how do you fucking? The semantics? Is that a wrong word? Yeah, I think it is.

I don't know what the phones are off people, don't call. Oh, no offense. There was one girl that wanted to talk dirty. But what you want her? Is that how it works? I'll bring up a picture. Damn, will you fuck that live on the air? No.

You try to fuck that? No. Why? Because that's what? Why would I just this is for personal enjoyment, Robert? Are you going to fuck it? Probably. Really? Once more on over, son. I got a fake pussy. My head off the phone. You fucking twat. He's looking up directions to the flesh.

What are you doing? What do you do? And if I got responses from being on the, you know, dude, program, you know, dude, program. This has been a fucking weird show. We know. This is what we learned from this show. No.

Flashlights. No, no, no. We do flashlights. No phones. No phones. Yeah. Cause phones got fucked up. Only when we're gonna specifically talk to specific people.

How are we gonna do phones? Yeah. No more phones. Fones are off. It gets, cause I can't do it. I can't multitask. I can't multi-task No, they're great to talk to the fans, but it's just it's a lot of people the people the phone Yeah, the people is fucking annoying right?

Fuck that so what's up to any boy? Hey buddy. Yeah, I've been on for a while. I know miss you guys Lookie, you come back. We get gifts. Yeah, yeah, let's see is for everybody It was interesting to watch you handle the phones you're pulling your freezer crane Just talking to people. This is Robert Kelly. Oh please. Oh baby, if you need a beer, if you need a beer. No, Dan, don't you come from a broadcasting background? No, I do, Kurt. Yeah.

I worked at, I worked at Kaffee Man 2-Song. Oh! Two Sons of New Rock? And I worked at K-Rock. All right. Up next 3-11. Hey! the two sons new rock and i worked at a rock alright uh... next three eleven java get a thousand dollar giveaway monday mornings we have uh... we're gonna give one of these car these pussy's flashlight flashlight you're gonna give away we're gonna have won away

we're gonna say one for joke as he needs it joe list yeah yeah what he looks like joe's mouth actually it does fucking no way kid Don't know Making them choice lips pussy lips. He haven't ever take How often is the Rosa here in the you know what do studios how these bend in the new one? Oh, yeah

Is he better than you one? Oh, Deroza. Yeah, we did one the other last week for the book He came in we did one late night We got the book coming out in the 16th No, the ninth I'm sorry the book. She comes out on the ninth and so me and we had Billy on about the book I'm really proud of your pro cheating book, by the way. You like it? Because you never see that. I wish we'd be on talk shows. Yeah, are you guys going?

We're gonna have Greg Barron's fucking book on. I don't look, man. You're right. It's the fucking just opposite of that. Anti-Greg Barron book. That's the opposite of he's not into you. I don't know if it's the exact opposite, but it's like an anti-Greg Barron book.

It's fucking the exact opposite. Yeah, we're basically saying, look, we know you're a piece of shit. You know you're a piece of shit. She knows you're a piece of shit, but pretend you're not a piece of shit. So here's how to be a piece of shit and still not be a piece of shit. Well, you know, these dudes fuck up all the time is carrying on like this another relationship. Like, well, what are you doing? Well, here's the thing is that you want to relive the first couple weeks of your, you love your chick, you's the thing is that you want to relive the first

couple of weeks of your, you love your chick, you love being with her because you can be with her for hours. But the thing is, is that first, the, the passion, right? Why would you have two separate things going on that long where it's like a real, well, what happened? Girlfriend on the side, that's crazy. But what happens? But what it, it becomes the challenge of having a check with a check and maybe even another check is it

becomes the spinning the plates it becomes the the psychological shooting of angles that you have to do and you have to use your brain so much to make you know this one feel this way and this one has to feel that way. You got to go between the two and what did you say to that one, what did you say to this one, what did you say to that one, that kind of gets you off after a while. It's almost like a weird excitement that you get. Oh, you like it.

Well, I mean, I've done it and it's you know i've had a girl uh... upstairs at the seller downstairs in the show and i'll front having coffee yeah i mean how do you do that and you know you bang in some fucking way to settle club down the street and hot the manipulation of that because got your bottom bitch see now she's the one i mean that's four people at once

well here's a thing is that it a libido, my friend? It's not that. It's not you're banging all of them, but you're seducing all of them. I have seduction. Bushing it, Bubby. You know what I'm saying? You can, yeah.

You can, one of the girls you have upstairs, you're talking to, she might be your girlfriend. And then the other girl downstairs is in the show. You met her once. You got to take it to the show. You want to get a blowjob off her, not tonight, but in a few weeks, she's with a lot of friends.

Then the chick out front is, you know, she's, yeah, she knows, she's banging another, she's banging other guys too, but she fucking, you know, you give it to her every once in a while, but she knows you have a girlfriend, she knows she's upstairs, keep her mouth shut, but every time you walk by,

she might fucking look at you sexy and grayish and dick when you're sitting down. Just, I mean, that crazy fucked up life that is people live, but hey look There's this book doesn't deal with just that cheating it deals with that's some rock star cheating shit That's we're talking going to get a hand job. How do you do that? Where do you go do it? You know getting a blowjob getting a hooker All there's every even watching porn how do you know this is a sex thing you know

when you having to send you dirty photos there's a million different ways to cheat it all depends on what chick you have right if your chicks gonna come home and watch your chick like you bang other girls right that's lot of guys don't have that situation but you you still have rules yes that's true and you do you break them uh... i have lot of guys don't have that situation, but you you still have rules. Yes, that's true

And you do you break them? Not on this show you don't know why before you fucking just open up It's I haven't I haven't but uh here's like do notice a lot of girls that I talked to like Immediately turned off if they know my girls okay with it and I just got a clear like oh They only want to do it Yeah, they're fucking filthy buggers, but my girl defending them said well me They just it's like a burden to have this extra person now involved and that might be what they don't want to be around But I thought it was like a vicious streak like I'm the main event and all that shit Well some girls like to have an end-insight

So if you know if they know that your girls open for it, it's like, Oh, how long can I go on that? Almost only get that. I mean, I can't. I mean, sometimes I just fucked, but I almost never get. It's always the end in sight thing. Like, I get a lot of girls like that. There were a lot of girls like, that's why girls like marry guys. Not a girl, friends. Girls love that because they, it's like,

you aren't gonna fucking bug me. You're not gonna fall in love with me. I'm gonna, I like you. I'm gonna fuck you and then it's done. Yeah, where are those ones man? They're all over the fucking place I don't fuck me. Do you have any girls come up? I When I am a wedding ring on right? You know, I don't give a shit But I think you don't give a fuck I think you got a lot more than I ever did I never did I got a lot more like just fuck fucking mean the closet real quick before your show kind of girls

I got a lot of chicks. I used to get blown in the stairwell of Boston comedy That's fantastic. I have my dick in a girl's mouth coming as they're going Robert Kelly Fuck my ex. I don't know if you remember Delphino, but I banged her in the Boston and the in the over the toilet in there Yeah, and I remember it Dutch I go I don, I don't want to say I said this, but I'm like, how was it? I think I said it was awful. I was bent over a toilet and Ben Morrison was doing his jokes on stage.

Stupid Ben. That was hilarious. And Morrison, that's just the worst fuck ever. Yeah. Have you ever done any shit like that? No, I don't think so. You'd'd never tell either cuz you're fucking neutral then I don't know what you're talking about Bobby but I appreciate your stories I was just laughing about when you're talking about your book it was like the shamwile of

cheating you like you got a girl that doesn't want to be the boom use the cheat book you all know that's boom use the j. That's funny. You said that we have actually have a we I wrote a short sketch. For the book and we shot it. At Simon and Schuster Kelly was in it. Actually, she was in the last case. So you're 30 seconds. Yeah, we have like three of them. Joe wrote a couple. I wrote a couple. We filmed them in front of a green screen. And one of them is like a Shamwile. You cheat? You know, you want to get the blowjob on the side and then it just chicks head. I'm sitting reading it like with Kelly,

like she's my wife. And then a hot chicks head just pops up and turns around and then I push it back down. Yeah, yeah. Well, this book, this book is, it's gonna cause some controversy, but it's funny, man. Everybody who read it said it was funny I'm pro it's not even so much so pro cheating. I'm just pro those kind of books that would piss off somebody I mean you love pissing people up. I love the opposite of it You're fucking your update I'm like I'm that I'm not even like I didn't think I was doing anything wrong with that I like I didn't think I was making anybody mad though, I was just like fine to put shit like that.

But the cheek, because I was sick of you, every fucking thing I watch, it's all, like, like, you know, these people complain about marriage is ending and like the family values are going away and all that. Yeah. Everything pushes marriage on everything. Like, I just watch a Seth MacFarlane movie with the teddy bear. We're, we're all filthy and the end yeah the end is you he meets the right girl and settles down like that's the fucking message of every fucking movie And everything on TV is nothing but that is that fucking settle down shit. So I like a nice Like cheating book or something that like you know is helping to destroy that

or something that like, you know, is helping to destroy that. I really appreciate that. Look dude, I like being married. Yeah, but that's good. I'm just, I don't like having it pushed on me as a, not by even women, just like, it's like a non-stop thing. You don't want to, you have to do this fucking thing where you're gonna have kids and do it like, maybe I don't want to fucking do that

and I don't give a shit. Right. Yeah, you're right. I mean, don't get mad at me. You don't want to be mad at me. Yeah, you're right. Let me know You're not a me no, but no, I'm staring at you You're channeling Joe list I don't know why you're being so fucking dishonest. I'm not being dishonest You've never done fucking dirty shit. You're out cheating. I cheated fuck them milk in my bathroom I cheated. No, I'm not saying you didn't. What's I like? I killed person. God damn it. I didn't know. I know she was dead. Kelly, have you cheated?

Yeah, God fuck you. You're lying. You're sister. You've cheated. You've cheated. You asked me this last time. You never cheated mentally. You never rub one out to like somebody else. Christ says if you even have the desire that's the same as Kelly letter answer Let her answer. No, I'll find other guys hot, but um, does that mean yes? I don't know maybe all right Right in your mind and your mind you've cheated in my mind. That's fucking cheating. Yes That's a self said that fantasizing While you're dittling the fucking bean. How do you say? Yeah?

Cheating in your heart's cheating. Yeah, you're dittling the fucking bean, how do you say it? I'm already in the fantasize. Cheating in your heart's cheating. Yeah, you're cheating in your soul. I'm not in the gut. I'm in bad health. It hurts my nowadays, like you've cheated. I still remember all that Christian I was just like I was a fucking useless person. And first of all, Dan, I didn't ask you if you cheated.

I asked you if you ever did fucking despicable shit in a hallway with a chick. Yeah, but I'm trying to think, I've never been blown before a set. I'm two in my own hands. Never. No, I'm two in my own head make it after a set like right after you get Plains on your shirt and shit and you know you're still gonna half a chubby and it's thumping while you're on That's sorry that as an advocate Yeah, little stains on bomb you sharp now you know you never you got blown you get blown in the green room

Never you know you never you got blown you get blown in the green room I got blown in the green room of the IFC Xeroch premiere party, but I wasn't doing a show really who one of the cocktail waitresses You got a cocktail waitress on the job to suck your dick. Yeah, she was on that really I was drunk I don't know end of the night beginning of the night. She was drinking so she was almost done Yeah, it was a shot because that's a big difference you get a chick working at the beginning of the night. She was drinking. So she was almost done. Yeah, it was a shot because that's a big difference. You get a chick working at the beginning of the night where she's trying to make money. I just got a four top at 61. I got double set. I got double set. Let me just suck you off real quick. Yeah, that's by the bread station. Yes. I'm a sucker. There's an eight top coming in there to hear a little late. Here's your water. Yeah, here's your coffee. Okay, let me suck your deck. I'm trying to

think in position three had a lemonade or a diet coke. Pull your cock out. I'm gonna suck it. Pull your dick out right now. Kelly, tweet, tweet right now where people can listen. You're listening to about E Kelly live New York Sports, then we'll attack you. What? Ryancast.com slash Robert Kelly. They want to listen to it on the the app. The Ryancast app on iPhone or iPad iPad and guys retweet this everybody We're out jealous Kurt gets to take his home. I'm not gonna walk I have a spot at the cellar

I'm not gonna walk really looks like a cup nobody knows if that is good put it in the bag Don't you have a bad? The fact that you won't bring that on stage and nobody knows you're not an artist unless you know You're not a fucking funny person. Oh really? That really looks like the Olympics. I look like a serial killer if I bring a fake pussy on stage. Don't take the lid on nobody's gonna know. Just anyone know what this thing is. Don't say that.

Just take it on stage. Just take it. Put it on stage and do your act. Just do that. Just like that. Put some man down. And you don't think Arty is gonna grab it. No he's not.

No you grab it. Put it on stage like that. I'm gonna use it., you grab it on stage like I'm gonna use it dude it looks like a thermos I would do that spot out there right now Not mentioning just put it on like corporate Dan dude What's the money down fucking Dan? But paying him to be funny. Yeah, I don't like all of a sudden that first I wish I could you look at fucking you got to bring a fake pussy on stage. You're not funny I wish I could. You know fucking you got to bring a fake pussy on stage. You're not funny. I

Yes, that is a funny thing to go and just Just leave with the flesh light. Yeah That's it. Don't say anything. You know, it's anything. Don't mention it. Just put it under here and put it on your arm and leave You know I wish I could He's not right now. I was fine. I would I would love to have that could just right now. If I was fun, I would do it right now. I would love to have the one stage right now. I'd put my iPhone on top of it. Yeah, dude, I would just set it up like this and do my set and just do that. They would think it's like a new

awkward iPhone stand. Like a fucking from gizmodo.com. It would just leave with it under your arm, dude, as you can done. Oh, hilarious. Oh, hilarious. And some people are gonna know what it is and they're gonna be dying.

And they're gonna be dying. And're gonna be dying and they're gonna You're gonna hear this it's a fucking fucking and the girls gonna like what? It's it's a flash It's a nice weather god. I think that's a flashlight How do you know about I don't know my friend? Listen, listen He's hearing us talk he can hear us talk. He's not even listening. He's bombing That's because everyone notices that he is a fucking either he just want to go on flashlight award. Oh, yeah, it's a pussy

And I'm like what what are you guys talking about? Flashlight Flash this one I get home. I can't I already jerked off. I'm bummed out about girls I'm mad cuz I can't fuck my flesh like cuz I already fucked myself today. I did a shower session Why do you have a limit on how many jug of you? Therapy oh you gotta get pregnant. I can't be I can't be All right, I can't be we can't be I can't be uh oh right I can't be we can't be taking in The pills neither me I would have to stop taking my holding my shitty hair pills if I wanted to get some ice I don't take Yeah, holding shitty

What is it all again? Propecia. Yeah, why I stopped taking those as soon as I gizzed out yellow I don't think that was from the Propecia it was dude because I gizzed out yellow chunks Chunks yeah look like jello You think that was yeah that's not from the propitio there was stop taking it was just you must have just ate something bad but jello yeah now it was the it was the propitio I was taking that and then I come I think yellow chunks have warm butter inside of you haha

you want to come in curdled? I have corn on the cob. You're not swelling, crumbling, full of foods coming at home. You can dip lobster in my jizz. Warm up Bobby's jizz. Mm. Fat fuck. That's right.

Is the perpacia, is that working? I would be fucking bald, man. Really? Oh, yeah. I have nothing. I have nothing. I am. bald, man. Really? Yeah, I have nothing. I am. Ah, man. I can't see.

Here's the thing with these things. I've had them. You fucked them. This is really convenient because the one I fucked was so big and cumbersome. Yeah. That you really can't. This is like a travel size for the man on the go.

Wait, they make them bigger. How much bigger would it be? It's actually like a woman's torso. The replica of our torso. Oh, right. No, no, no, no. This is the one on the go wait they make him bigger how much bigger would it be it's actually like a woman's torso the replica Oh right no no no this is easy yeah these are actually good and I think I think you You double you don't you jet the accident did I could not try to double it? I'm telling you right now I could not travel it. Do you double it? I'm not doing that just sit on the plane. I don't have I Very little shame but I feel like if somebody took this out in the air

I would be like I just your bag. I'll tell you a look at this. I tell you what they should do with these They should put a Starbucks logo on them Put a Starbucks logo on these and all of a sudden it's just your coffee to go But they don't know you're going into your office bathroom. They don't know you go exactly the You're going to fuck hey Rick got to use the toilet. Nope going to Fuck you drink coffee while you shit all the time I walk in with my thermos of coffee and my thermos of vagina Nothing starts the day like Did you ever fuck

Thermos and after go home for a day? Dixon You fucked your own thermos and have to go home for a day. You're dixing twos. Hot, hot, hot. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That was just fucking terrible. Oh man.

The best part of waking up is Joe's list in mouth and cut. Hey, when is this done? I knew it's cigarette. Joe's list in mouth and cut. Yeah, you guys, we'll take a break right now. You guys, actually, we should probably end it It's been an hour and 41 minutes Yeah, we're gonna take a we're gonna take a little break right now and do some promos and you we're gonna actually end the show I'm not a break. We're gonna we're gonna end the show

I'm a little tired. I'm sorry. Okay. We're gonna go to fucking boxing tomorrow Are you going? Columbus Okay, what are you gonna fucking boxing tomorrow? Are you going? Columbus Oh, hi, get us baby. How long you doing that for till Saturday? And then I don't know what I'm talking like this The golden folks I want to talk about Game of Thrones with you fucking titties and swords man Why didn't you tell me earlier about the show? It's about Game of Thrones with you fucking titties and swords man. Why didn't you tell me earlier? About the show it's awesome game of Thrones ripping through it like a wet paper towel game of thrown I watch the whole season how many seasons are they now two to I've been looking for a new thing to watch

Dude's not Netflix. I just gotta go on each year HBO HBO. It's got all HBO. I don't think I don't know if I downloaded on itunes Does it you you bought them Yeah, really watch that shit like four times what's in the Wang bank his titties on it I think it's my Netflix, dude It's not I don't know I don't mix my fucking porn out in my sword play Yeah, those are two separate needs that don't violence in I'm talking about those go We should give one to Lewis. Yeah, we should oh his girl would never allow him to have a flesh. Well, here's the thing

She's coming He's not besides not being allowed to look at porno and supposedly can't smoke weed Yeah, I guess I got him in trouble because I asked him my bowl back at this fucking club We're at and they just sitting explain to his girl for like She's understand when Kurt talks about balls. He talks about cereal We can't tell you love cereal. Oh, what the fuck man. We can't think she's with yeah, he goes well I look up to her wait like you look up to her. She let you get her pregnant Obviously, she doesn't know anything Why can't he watch porn and jerk off watch his pregnant?

Because he is not being on his girl is he's dippy fucking you know last week We were praying we're all saying prayers that his kid comes up gay. Yeah, we sit in our father It's gonna be James yeah, yeah, Skylar James go daddy. I don't want daddy. I don't want to watch the fight Gonna be pretty is going I want to cook with mommy. He's gonna be winning those black hair competitions He's but his also gonna have loads of boys. I cut hair. I cut black women's hair Dad guess what I love dick and I don't care who knows. I made this black woman's hair. Look at carousel I love dick and I don't care who knows. I made this black woman's hair look like a carousel.

I'm the best black. I've never seen a hair boss, Joe, on TLC. Look like a fucking Dr. Shoes head. I called it the green eggs in hand. What do you think you're gonna do to expose the meat to Emma Man, that young of an age? It was just 20 men laying on top of each other. I got my first youth in a tank. I cut a black lady's hair upside down in a fish tank.

I made it. And I made it into a birthday cake. And then I blew it out with my vagina. I'll never be the fighter you want me to be to. Why did you let me walk Emma Man from such a young age? That's why you came in. I was licking your flesh like. I wanted to taste what I could never be.

I kept sitting on the handles of your flesh. I can't. I can't. I can't. I used the handle. What a taste. I've never been. Down in such a queen.

I've fed the handle inside myself. And I didn't even win. I called my sweat. I didn't even win I like to choke on it's a man's dick. Oh, just fuck you get him in a camora Yeah, Lewis if we gave him one of these he fucking break it. He just squeeze it too tight and I can't control my own power It's like the fuck it to blood comes yeah I like that gross really quick I'm gonna gross

So I made a grossy guys So yeah I was stomping on it I would love for Lewis' kid just to be a smoker Just a power bottom. Oh, I don't a sloppy bottom Are you James are you telling me you have sucks with men dad you don't get it? I don't even have sex with them. They have sex with me I will know my butt out there and then I chip in to the...

I'm really bad like the dog! Oh, that would be so happy. You go into the gym now. I'm gonna go do some reps. I love going to the gym! That's the problem! They shut steam rooms down because of me dad. Oh, I want to do a scot of the gym, dad! My nickname at the gym is patient zero

Because absolutely anything goes One guy gets off when I lick the seats in the steam room They said I have a thing called Hip G I don't know I wish Lewis was here to take this I Don't know Ah, there's about the fuck he would be staring at me He what last week he was when we would we said an alpha that we all cried We all pray for it

He's eyes will go on dotting Oh the Lewis I dart Oh the Lewis I dart Yeah, fucking it literally when he gets in that mode It is like being around a rock while that doesn't have an owner or a leash on it. You're just like looking around Why is this thing loose Just like nervous like you come around the corner and you're startled you like, yeah That's great. Just see his kid You can hear his kid walking home because he has high heels on

Touch You can hear his kid walking home because he has high heels on Dad I forgot my keys he's knocking on the first flow window because glue is still the same apartment Dad are you in there with your flush line? FYI dad I stuck in my asshole and made a turd duck in Is Girls She has one want to stick the flashlight in her like pussy turd duck in Dude that's fucking hilarious It's a funny thing I remember

pussy turd duck in Do you want to make me into a pussy turd duck in? Wow Shit all right man, we're gonna wrap this up. No that's game of thrones. We'll talk about it next time, dude We'll see you next time. It is I'll be caught up by the time I see you know, it's so good. It's fucking amazing fucking Lannisters. Oh, I'm a star guy. Always pay their debt. I'm a start guy. You're a star guy. I'm in the corporate day And I like the guy goes right down the middle the middle.

Morning, B. The golden false vagina. Please just walk on stage. I just want to take a photo of you just put it on the piano walk on put it in the piano and that's it don't mention it don't talk about it. You got to wait like an hour and a half. Oh shit. All right, well whatever that one. All right, so, to man, thanks for coming by. Good to see you guys. Yeah, it's good seeing you too, man. Most of the voice, where are you going to be, buddy? I'm going to be in Columbus doing Guinness. And then I'm going to be, hey, if you live in the Seattle area, I'm going to be headlining the Kirkland's laughs November

1st through the third. That's a good club. I'm very excited. I like the owner. Awesome. What's his name? Dave. I like Seattle too.

Yeah, I'm a big fantasy I just went there for the first time for a bummer shoot and Looks like I'm gonna back. Yeah, you are a fucking festival type of comic festival year. Yeah, you are that guy Hey, you guys are the band you guys are avers comedy I'm currently gonna be I got nothing come up. Oh, October 19th, I'm gonna be at some fucking theater and I was going on my Facebook, I'll post where I am. I don't remember all the time.

I'm one of the funniest Facebooks out there. Yeah, it's right, I love it. I'm changing it to just pictures of cupcakes, I'm gonna eat and shit. What's the name of your Facebook? Just Kurt Madska, just find me out. I gotta check him out, man. I think you're some sort of high-tech guys. Dude, I'm so angry, I love it. I read it to, like, Vekky, and I read it to each other. Name of your Facebook just Kurt Mads guy. Just find me got a check about man He's one of my favorite guys dude

You so angry I love read it to like Becky out and I read it to each other Becky I'll be like did you see what fucking Kurt? What is so controversial? I'm really paranoid so people I made Really put that thing I'm like why it always Giving us something for free. It's always how I try to look at it Yeah, only one in eight of them were kind of good. The rest are really just yelling.

I'm just like people yelling. And what's funny is I can see Kurt's fucking crazy eyes when he's typing, like the way he's doing. But can you see me on the toilet shitting as I'm writing it? No, see that? Let me put that in your head right here. See it now?

Can you see me with a flashlight? Now I am. Can you see me with myself buried in a flashlight? To her doctor being it? I can't believe I told that whole story about my wife's mother being in bed with us, and I forgot to tell you that she's dead. Yeah, I don't know. The best part of a ghost ghost story.

I told this whole story, like I woke up, and my wife's mother was in the bed holding my wife. And she got mad at me, and they're like, why? They're all like flippin' on me. I'm like, yeah, I forgot to tell them. She's dead, like, it's a ghost. If it's a ghost, that's less weird than the story that you told her.

What is? My mom, my girl and her mom's spoon. Okay, they don't want me to bother them. She came in, in the middle of the night. Just be case, just come down that spoon. Super close. It's totally cool. Ah, fuck me, dude.

It's totally cool, man. I was gonna talk about it nice hate male from from somebody this Oh, just told me I'm a piece of shit who hates me on my show I'm gonna name is and where the kids go school also. No, we actually it's just suck off their kids You know much you know fucking awesome would be if Kelly was a whore You know awesome it would be if she was just fucking if, if she had some fucking dude with her right now with like a cut off shirt and just fucking. Cut off shirt?

Yeah. Just suck it. Yeah. Every week it's different. One day when she's sucking a yuppies dick. And she'll ask all to me. He's like, babe, is your video show done? The car's going.

The car's got the countering outside and double packed. Hurry up. People awesome. She kissed she kissed she a fucking overly Ton kiss while she's smoking ancho and go not a baby so happy, but she's not she's a fucking well She's another girl with hopes and dreams hopes and dreams looking for somebody special and she'll find them someday and he'll say you can't do the podcast anymore Okay as long as you pay my rent. As long as you pay my rent, I wanted to do it. Bobby, you just didn't make me sit up, but you have a place where I can eat food.

I did it in brief. You've taken me out of the wilderness. It's more dead to you. I missed that voice. How you know what Bobby? I actually have a proper show that I got booked on to promote. Mike some very happy New York comedy festival. Oh, yeah, that's good. You're on the New York comedy. I'm not, but you are. Go ahead. He's fucking good festival. four comedians, one bombs, one goes home. The INS show.

Oh, fuck it hilarious. You ever know these young people? They are so different. Yeah. You better not, I'm not going home. Manuel, you're a bit. Kelly's like, and then I was walking through the mall and then I looked up at the mall and then I realized

there was tiles on the floor and then I looked down at the tiles. Boom, boom, boom, that's what they play, they're shipping out, boom. I miss that shipping out. I miss that sounding. Oh, shit. But it's a probably a show before you have new comedy festival at the stand. They're doing an A.R. action, doing an all Australian showcase from the fourth, yeah, from the fourth to the seventh. Am I friend in the world Nick Cody is gonna be on it

It's coming down from Australia. I go check out Kelly make sure you supporter if you guys listen to the show You live in New York go down to that show and What about you Barbie? What do you got we got that book coming out on the night? Don't you read the book launch? I got the details here. Yeah, good Okay, so the official book or book release party hosted by Robert Kelly and Joe Deroza, who stand up by Colin Quinn Rich Fars and Keith Robinson. Slow down, slow down. No, I wanted to voice, but it's okay.

Tuesday, October 16th. There's two shows, seven and nine thirty p.m. That's two shows, tickets are only fifteen bucks. So go to the laughbutton. for the last cheat for Ticac. Yeah, big show. The book comes out on the ninth. We'll be doing ONA on the eighth, me and Joe. Billy will be calling in. Book comes out on the ninth. Pre-order now on Amazon, iTunes. We need to sell fucking copies. It's, I think it's 10 bucks by five copies. It's funny. It's a great fucking gift for Christmas, hilarious, and we have a big party on the 16th. That's what Kelly was just talking about. We're going to be

doing comedy. Colin's going to be there. Keith Robertson and Rich Voss who are all in the book have their cheat stories in the book. We're going to be doing stand-up. We're also going to be showing the movie at that show. There's two shows and we're going to be selling the book. We're gonna be doing stand up. We're also gonna be showing the movie at that show. There's two shows and we're gonna be selling the book and signing the book. And doing a Q&A. Doing a Q&A, it's gonna be a fucking crazy, crazy night. Derose's dick's already getting hard thinking about him

thinking about him doing a Q&A. Well, you see, you see. It's gonna take his glasses off. Well, you see, when we were writing the book, I said to Bobby, I said Bobby, we need a chapter that divulges more information. The glasses around the V-neck. Yeah, I put it on, clips his glasses.

A Linerizer. Bobby, you get to take his mic. He forgets to take his bike helmet off. You can't. No. Joe cannot wait to be like old Jerry Lewis like sucking on a closet.

In some of the studio of Joe Joe Joe. Cross his legs. Joe wants out of comedy. He wants out of this business. He wants to be at, he wants acting. He wants to be taking serious.

He doesn't want to deal with you. Fucking all this ball busting shit. Anyways. He's a good man. He's a good man. I talked to him for an hour on the phone last week. He's a good man. He's a good man. I talked to him for an hour on the phone last week. He's a good man I had so we're fucking wrapping this up. Yeah, thanks again for everybody Kelly's sister. Uh, thanks for coming in sweetie It's nice to meet you. What do you think about then? Um, I don't know if I only know you for 15 minutes. Yeah, it's funny

Would you? Yeah, if you are if you were with anybody Kelly Kelly Kelly told her to say that. She's like, what have you do going there and so you get knocked him? Linda, thank you for taking photos and video. You're the best. I love you Linda. We're going to be doing some tech talk and we'll be back maybe live in three weeks. Next week is Billy Burr.

We did that one last week. We got Joe DeRose coming up the week after that. Me and Joe got back together and did a little one on one with me and him. Played the hits. Like the good old days. They really went through the catalog. And then and the book comes out. Make sure you buy the book. You want to see all my stuff. Brand new website, Robert Kelly live dot com brand new sexy hot sweet new website go check it out right now you guys are the best thank you for supporting us thanks for listening to the show game of thrones is amazing all right let me I got a smoke yeah all

right I got a p-drycast dot com ykwd thanks to the flashlights. Yeah. My name is Tossay. Thank you. I am my kid. For the highlights. My cannon and flashlights. Yes, bye. I'm stuck in the block, I'm stuck in the block You know what I need? For this car, for this car, for this car

You know what I need? Really, really, really, really You know what I need? Don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face, don't stop filming my face. Don't stop.