Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Matthew Broussard | Flexible Not Big

Episode Date: August 6, 2023

This week Bobby is joined by comedian Matthew Broussard, they talk about Matthew's unique skill, the time he roasted John Mayer on TV and his collection of clay sculptures Bobby thinks he should make a children's book out of. This episode is sponsored by GhostBed Listeners can get 40% off all products sitewide! Use promo code YKWD at GhostBed.com/ykwd for 40% Off Sitewide. Limited Time Only. This episode is sponsored by Earwolf Presents  Listen to all these shows and more on Earwolf Presents wherever you get your podcasts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. I'm over here doing this, I'm hanging with you right now. This is what I wanna do. Yeah. You know, I've done for 15 years. Did it, you know, is it making me a fucking billion dollars like these other guys with their podcast? No.

patreon.com.com.com. That's Robert Kelly. I mean, it's five bucks. If 10,000 of you just did it, we'd, I'd be rich. All suck my dick on the Patreon if enough of you join. All right, listen to me. If we get 10,000 people to join this Patreon, I will split that one month with you, that's $80,000.

I'll do it, yeah, okay. Okay, listen to me. Half and half, let's- This is the clip. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude, live. Welcome, everybody, to the show. YKW.

I started the social media podcast. The fact that YKWD broadcasts. YKWD is back again. Old school back in the day. We're all starting before them all. YKWD, my name is YKWD. This podcast is so fun and crazy. And there's no rules.

Shut up, you all are winning this. Burn the ball, damn it, man. I'm sorry. It's a comedy podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original.

The original. It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. It's your boy Robert Kelly. We're back at the Comedy Cellar Studios

above the world famous Comedy Cellar. It's, you know what, dude, podcasts. Your favorite podcast, the podcast that's been there forever. We've always been here for you. And you know what? Some of you who's always been here for us, but some of you left and went to other shows. But now you're back. Hit the subscribe button, hit the like, comment button, and make sure you go to patreon.com and support the show if you want to. If you're

watching the show every week on here and you're enjoying it because they're being killers, bangers, right? Yeah. Autistic kids. They're just terrible. I mean, they have the enthusiasm of my fucking dead grandmother. Yeah. It was good. But they're good with all the tech stuff, right? Yeah, we have a... Yeah, they got the right there. We have a very special guest on.

I'm very excited to have you on. You know, tell everybody who's on. We have a comedian Matthew Bersard. Yes, we have music playing right now. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da and video art. I mean, he makes amazing videos. Does nothing for the show. He does a two-second video and that's it. And it goes up and it just dies. We have another kid that makes all the videos for the seller. He doesn't make the videos for the show.

Not, he just said, he just takes the video. He's on a computer right now. I don't know what he's doing. He's crunching numbers. I don't know what he's doing. Playing war games. And then we got little max.

My son is stronger than. Literally, my son could beat the shit. My 10-year-old was hanging out with this guy. And it could beat the shit out of him. Granted, he has scary tattoos like Jeanine Garafala, all of her body. And the same skin complexion. I mean, if they were both naked, you'd be like, I don't know who that is. I don't know. Like if you from the neck value,

like I think that's Janine. And he'd be like, no, it's me. Also, why are both of you naked? This is a weird situation to walk into. Oh, you don't understand. But so that's what I have for a team. Do you feel that that loss of social abilities they all have is what makes them good with the stuff you need them for?

No, I think it's the autism. Yeah. Okay. I feel like that's good. It's their sickness. Yeah. It makes them cling to me like the father that fucking avoided them. Do you find it easy to manipulate them

into working for less money and harder? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, although it's a business strategy. I'll work for wings in a fucking 10 minute spot around the corner. Is this how the Egyptians got the Jews working for them, you think? That, and they killed the Jews.

Yeah, probably. They just dropped big up. You have Jewish, by the way. Jewish from my mom's side? Yep. Now, let's see how they have German. Cajun. No, my mom's side. Yep. Now, what do you see other half German? Cajun. No, I'm all, yeah, white trash French.

Okay, you, can I talk to you? Yes, please. You're fucking an enigma to me. Thank you. I didn't mean that. I think, okay. I mean that as a combat ordain salt. Okay.

What confuses you about me? I'll tell you what confuses me about you because You look Don't look at me dude. You're one of the best looking people ever met Okay, no listen you're like George Michael good looking, right? Oh, thank you. But I thought, I thought, okay, but I, when I met you, I thought you were gay.

That's also kind of a compliment. Okay, fine. Okay. Don't put the deep, really thing I was gay? Please don't put the deep voice on because I said that. Okay. Voice just dropped out a couple of times. They're going off the notes.

That's a goblin man. They're putting on my George Michael voice. Listen, I thought you were gay, right? And then I found out you're not. I'm not. You had a girlfriend. Yeah, seven years. Seven years.

Who is German? Who is German? Cause you hate your mom. Cause I hate my mom. German swimmer, exactly. Really? I went with the oppressor, yeah. Because they always won the trophies.

Yeah, it was the that or a Palestinian man. Those were the two I've been. Well, but you're not gay. Not gay. Never been gay. No, I mean, I grew up in the South, so everyone thought I was gay. Now, because, look at, I don't wanna say,

I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, what's the word I'm looking for? Autistic, Tizzy? Home of a pho-back? Yeah, home of a pho-back. Yes, who's gay? You got autistic in home of, oh, I thought,

what's the word and you said autistic? I didn't know you were talking to him. I thought you thought the word home of pho-back was autistic. No, autistic, who farted? Which one of you? Anyways, so I don't want to be home of pho-back, but you know, look, of you? Not me. Anyways, so I don't wanna be homophobic, but you know, look, when you meet a guy, you can't tell who's gay, you know what I mean?

Stereotype, I was like, oh, Matt likes dudes. You're a good looking guy, you're kind of... Affeminate? Affeminate? Yes. And people don't notice that about me. I feel like people don't read that I'm very affeminate. What?

Oh, okay. You're from Boston, so you can smell it like a truffle pig. Shoot it away like that. He's coming. Truffle pig for gay people. I can sniff out the queers. Yeah. You see, I do put it on sunscreen.

Like, I'm wearing a mother before me. Sully. Me and Sully used to go to the Dunkin' Donuts as we used to sniff out the queers when they came down. I can tell by their footsteps. We throw munchkins at him. We go eat that, we're, yeah. I mean, no, I, a hundred percent. I mean, when you said that, you might as well,

no one can tell. No, but you have, I feel like, okay, it's not that I don't, I was very effeminate growing up. I got, I was very small, and my voice was much higher pitched, and then my voice dropped, and then I developed a somewhat more masculine appearance. Right. And then people stopped questioning my sexuality so much,

and I feel like society has changed. What used to be considered gay when I was growing up, which is not that long ago, whatever, 10, 20 years ago, you would, you would so much easier to assume someone was gay. Now everyone's autistic or bisexual or non-binary, and they wear these things now as a badge of honor to be a part of that persecuted group that I think, I mean, I watched, like there's like a kid I work with, Black Hip and the Bronx that I tutor and he has a George Michael earring

and that's cool now. Right. When I was gay growing up. Well, when I was coming up, it was the left ear, it was okay. Right ear, you were gay. Both, you like both. Oh, yeah.

When I was growing up in Boston, that was a thing. Yeah. Which is a weird, like someone just made that up. Right. It's not, that's not a thing. It is a weird, like someone just made that up. Right. That's not a thing. That's not even, that's real. I think it was just somebody who does who got in your right or your gay.

All I can think about is like the PD Pablo raise up music video. They would either, they would roll one sleeve up. It was like the cool thing to do. It did work. It was, I think it was dealing or selling was what that indicated. Oh no shit.

It reminds me of that. Yeah, it was a weird thing, but like when I met you and then I found out you weren't, I was like, how did you figure this out by the way? I asked you. Oh, you asked if I was asked. And I said, no, sir. You remember that? No, siry. No. No, you look, I got a girlfriend, Bobby. Oh. And I was a get the fuck out of here. No, you have, you have a, you have a beautiful girlfriend. She's lovely, yeah. I mean, unbelievable. And I think you came in with her.

I think you could be. I need to show people I'm not gay, so I bring her around. I think you came in with her one night, and I was like, dude, what's up? You know, he's my girlfriend. I was like, no. Are you planning her wedding? What do you do?

Are you her interior designer? Are you pitching a show or executive? No, I just didn't know, but then when I found out I was because you have a, it might be this dude. Yeah? It might be this. You look like George Michael. Yeah. It might be that. You, if they do a George Michael movie and then don't cash you as George Michael. With AIDS. I couldn't play the young version of him, but after he...

You can get a little chubby. You can get a little chubby. You can get a little fat Greek George Michael. You just have to put on some weight. I just watched his documentary. I want a little fat Greek. Type in young, little fat Greek George Michael. You just have to put on some weight. I just watched his documentary. Yeah, I want a little fat Greek. Type in young, little fat Greek George Michael. I remember the first time I ever got recognized in public.

I was at the mall in Albany and a guy walks up to me. Hey man, can I get a picture with you? I go, Absolutely. Sure. And he takes a picture. He goes, yeah, I like to take pictures with people who look like celebrities. You look like George Michael. And then he walked away. It's true, man. Look at him. Big moment. Where's the young teenage George Michael type of that? We had the same hair.

Yeah. Yeah, that picture. Yeah, you guys get the same. I mean, you guys look very similar, man. Which is, I have no problem saying that to you because it's a compliment. For sure. One of the best looking.

Will Ferrell a lot. That's not so nice. No, no, no, no, you just missed it. The one next to it. No, you got not so nice. No, no, no, no, no, you just missed it. The one next to it. No, you gotta go down. Yeah. No, over to the left, right there. No, no, no, right there, right there.

That's you. That's, I mean, that's crazy, right? Yeah, the one below. Go down, go down. Down one over right. Down one. No, down. Kind of. Maybe, yeah, you look, I mean, you do, no, down. Kinda.

Maybe, yeah, you look, I mean, you do it, look at me. Look at me, look at me, like, tilt your head just a little, look at me, let me do it. Tilt your head this way, just that way. Now, don't look confused, look kinda happy. Like that, yeah, did you, George Michael. I mean, look into that camera right there and do that.

Tilt your head this way, that way, that way. I mean, look into that camera right there and do that. Tell you it this way. That way, that way. I mean, look at that. And then look at this. You look... Jeterbug. Good song. Good song.

Dude, we have some hits, man. Dude, what? Don't say he. I'm sorry. They. They, the two of them. Wham. But by himself, he had like freedom and...

What's it? Yeah, he was careless whispers. That was them. Was that Wham but by himself he had like freedom and what's it? Yeah, he was careless whispers was that was them was that wham he was in wham he did it himself The other guy let him the other guy just let him go man I mean, I let me say something. I would have held on to those fucking money train Yeah, I would have drove him into the ground. I would have burnt that friendship to the ground and got some of that careless Wisdom money. He didn't He blew up after that. I watched the documentary. He read them Yeah, yeah Did you see it? I did on a plane. It was really good. It's really good. Well people weird watching you watch you

Right? Yeah, that would have looked very vain for someone on looking you know, it is it's your what is this thing called? Your mustache. No, this thing, what's this called? Oh, it has a name, like... Polkrum, what is it, what's that thing in the middle? Perineum. No, it's not a pin, that's the thing in your asshole. That's your asshole.

That's your asshole, your asshole. That's the French word for taint. That's your face taint. That's your face taint. It's your face taint. You're not supposed to send your mouth all, that's the dick in the bottle of the face. Yeah, apparently, face, face, apparently,

what's the thing called mouth pain? What's that called? Someone answered me. A filtrum. A filtrum. And you as a, We have the same filtrum. It's a filtrum.

We have a, a big filtrum. A big filtrum. And you have your hair and your testosterone. Your five o'clock shadow. Yeah, mine comes in, I shaved right before this. You're Jewish, right? Yes. And what else?

Cajun French. I don't know where I get, my dad had like no body hair. So I got my beard in my body hair from I guess my mom's side, the Jewish side. Show you Cajun French. Cajun French, the DNA test, milk man. Nothing, you're just that. Yeah, Cajun French, the DNA test, milk man. Yeah. Nothing. You're just that.

Yeah. Cajun's kind of European mutt, but French ish, some, I guess, Spanish. And then, like, just straight up, Ashkenazi, too, on my mom's side. No shit. Yeah, Lithuanian, right. Where did you go up and down the South? Texas in Georgia. Texas in Georgia.

Yeah. Orpheus, Christie. Now you're red next to your suburbs. Oh and Georgia. Yeah. Orpheus, Christie. You read next to your suburbs. Oh, in Atlanta suburbs. We were upper middle class pretending to be upper class. Really? What's your parents do? My dad was a chemist, research chemist.

My mom worked as a microbiologist for years, but kind of retired, became a mom after that. So you smart. A family focused a lot on education. That was the only thing we had. I mean, that was a polite way of saying, I'm smarter than you. I learned a lot of math. You just called me dumb.

You're a fucking idiot and I'm really a dumb. I mean, that hurt. That hurt. There you go, that's fine. So you're a teacher? No, I just, I tutor for fun. You tutor for fun. Yeah.

Dude, you know what I say? I couldn't help my son for fun. You need help? I couldn't help my son. I like tutoring math. If he needed help, I couldn't help him. Dude, I'd love for you to be my son's tutor. Yeah. I love teaching math.

It's very fun. How much my fucking wife would love it if you walked through the door? Hey, how you doing? I'm charismatic, good looking. I'm a teacher's kid. Half of WAM is here. Half of WAM, all of WAM, what do you get of me?

And half a fucking asshole just left the door. What, do you think a lot of people are gay and they turn out not to be gay? No, I'm usually good. Yeah? But I'm not. Yeah, I can pretty much tal. My senior superlative was gay.

They, you know, they do most likely too, or whatever. They did some, so they do it for, they do one for the newspaper that was like, everyone had a little superlative, so they wrote one for every person. And that year it got hijacked by a kid who was kind of a bully. And his mind was Most most likely to convert to Scientology

Which meant gay because there was a South Park episode out at that time about how Tom Cruise and everybody's gay Yeah, everyone's gay, but don't but do you see it? You see what I'm saying you do because you said you're I mean I'm a fan. No, no, no, is that a Does that make you go, what the fuck are you talking about? Not at all. It's absolutely. Somebody came to me and said, dude, you're gay. I'd be like, how does he know?

Ah! Who told you? Wouldn't it be kind of flattering? To be gay? To some of the think you're gay. I'd be able to get a jab. You mean you care about your parents? I could get an HBO special.

Yeah. I'd be invited to Jeff L. Yeah. Who's dick do I have to suck? I don't know. The. I'd be invited to Jeff L. Yeah. Who's ticked do I have to suck? The guy I'm one of these diversity lighters. No, I'm no. I mean, doing being gay, it must be hard.

It must be hard. It must be easier now than when I was a kid though. Gays can't give up. They can't give up? No, like, you know, straight couples, you meet your chick, you meet your husband, you fuck, you have passion, have a kid, and then you just give up.

You know, I'm gonna touch each other again. Yeah. Gays always have to keep it going. I gotta, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, it's kind of taxing. Right. That's like the reason I apologize.

It's okay. I mean, these people are nuts. It's, it's, and you can hear the little tapping of the fucking keyboard, too. Guys, the actuarial work over there. Can you hear them? Just clicking away with his little autistic hands. I do, that is one of the parts that seems hard

about being gay is like, I would be well past my prime. I'm 35, I'm gonna be like, oh, I missed my last days. You're like Boca gay. Yeah. You're like West Palm gay. Like tired, you're like, you're a Saint Pete gay. Yeah. You're not Miami gay anymore.

No. You're right, you know what, I take you back. You're right on the cusp. You could be like right at the end of Miami gay. If I went to Fire Island, I would need to throw some money around. Yeah, I'm like, I'm Woodstock gay. Yeah. Like I'm, I'm poking those queer. Yeah, you know, you're like, you're your secret gay

and has an affair with the other secret gay dad in the wood cabin. Yeah, I'm like, hey dude, hey, hey, hey, Ted. I'm bearing that deep down. I'm going hunting trips together. Here's a problem though, is that gay guys, I'm not a gay woman, but I would say gay guys. I think it would be tougher because you have, like, look man, I know when my wife's, we have time to bang and I know when I have to take a shower.

You know, I've gone a couple days without showerin'. You know what I mean? But with a guy, if I was dating a guy, you have to keep everything tight. You have to cycle. You have to. My friend is a bottom and he's on the bottom diet. I'm sorry?

What does that mean? He's a bottom, you know what that means? I do know what that means. Yes. But I don't know what the bottom diet is. The bottom diet means if he wants to do anal he needs to be prepared for it Which means eating the right foods so that he can Cleanse rather quickly if he needs to which means a high fiber intake and potentially Not eating too much before and night out

So I mean it's that's a lot of work man. They must really love it. It must feel really good Yeah, I don't think it does I've had a finger my butt and it hurt and it made me it was like didn't go deep enough It's not thick enough for long enough. Please don't do that to me. Don't do that to my wife's finger Put it in deeper Matt said you need to go deep a third knuckle then you feel the charm Matt said you need to go deeper. Third knuckle, then you feel the charm. Anyways, I heard you can suck your own dick.

Yes. Who told you this? Everybody. I feel like this got out via a burnt through stain. I don't know what's there in this. I can suck my own dick. Okay, wait a second. There's a thing I can suck my own dick.

And then there's I do suck my own dick. Try it once when I was 15 or 16. Okay, so you did suck your own dick. Yes, which means I've sucked a dick and have my dick sucked by a man, which festivals if you're booking, that counts. Ah. Yeah, I went online and read about other people

who can do it, and someone said it much better than I could. It feels a lot more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. That's a great way to say that. That was a very accurate description of the feeling. So it was like sucking on your toe. Yeah, yeah. And mostly a lot of back pain

because it's not exactly a comfortable position. What is a position? Oh. I can do it standing, I can do it sitting, whatever. You could suck you to extending. Sure. Yeah, you're gonna get you an agent. You'd be an underutilized. I feel like yeah, there's probably an only fans opportunity for that. Um, but okay, so you like, be honest with me. Mm-hmm.

You since you did it when you were a teenage. I've had no desire to do it again. One second. Let me ask the question. Okay. Listen to me. You did it one time. Uh-huh. And you didn't do it. Not to suck your own dick. Just to make your friends laugh. Like, dude. I've definitely shown people I can do it. You've done it again. No, I've just showed them the position wise. Like, look, you've never put it in your mouth again. Really? Yeah. So my mouth. Really? So you got a big penis? No, no, I'm just very flexible.

Average, nothing like, nothing crazy, smaller, big. Six and a half. Yeah, probably. Seven? No, I don't think that. Six and a half. Yeah, six and three quarters. All right, that's very honest to you.

Yeah. You're adding it to flexibility, not the size of your hog. Yeah. I would have went the other way. Yeah? Because I'm not gonna know. You could have been like, dude, I got the biggest hog in the world.

I can suck my dick sitting down like this. And I'd be like, oh my god. Yeah, I guess I could have owned up to that one. I would have paid you $10,000 to do it. And in $10,000 to suck round. What's your number? 50 bucks. 100 bucks.

I think on video, would I have to whip my dick out? Yeah Not a video we wouldn't show that though. Oh 5,000 5,000. Yeah, get my checkbook Call my wife Don't tell my agents. I don't want to be paying out. No, we're gonna pay you a percent. Yeah, no We'll get this all cash. Also sag strike. I don't know. Dude, this is, no, this is production. I'm producing my own thing. I don't want to, I don't want to be across the picket line.

Can I say something right now? If I had Shane's money, 5,000 would be out of my bank account and you have fucking hands right now and you'd be sucking your own dick and we'd all be having a good time. Yeah, and then I double bet you back that if I could try to suck my own dick

and if I could do it, I get half of it back. Have you tried? I did almost snap my neck Yeah, I did it in a tub In a flip my legs over my head. Yeah, no, yeah, and I was heavy at the time So I almost crack I heard a crack in my spine. However you I was 48. Okay, no, I was I believe do like you know, it's never too late to try new No. I was, I believed you. I'm like, you know, it's never too late to try new things. It was in my, it was 420 West 43rd Street. So it was shit.

It'd have to be 16 years. The date of the incident. Okay. But you weren't like a young man. You weren't a teenager, try something. It's 30 something. You tried it, you tried it for your first time in your 30s. Why are you calling me gay now?

I just why wouldn't you try it at an earlier age? I found a pamphlet that showed you how to do it. I Disagreared that pamphlet because I've never needed to flip my legs over my head. I feel like we can do it. You can do it Well, I mean I can't I Show me just show me. I stand up or something. Yeah, you can stand up. Go ahead So for me the easiest way is grab back your hamstrings. Okay Flexibility is worse than it was so and the curvature all happens in your spine so your spine needs a curve a lot You're not gonna bend a lot of your hips. You're gonna keep your hips straight. Yeah

Okay, yeah, you got Baby steps So you wrap your pull pull on the back. There you go. That's the position you want to pull in, you got baby steps. So you wrap your pull on the back, there you go. That's the position you want to pull in and you got to curve your spine up like a camel. So think about pushing that point. Okay, no, it's very painful. I almost passed out the second way on deck. I just thought it was mad.

I almost passed out. I almost passed out the second way on deck. I'm just thinking about you dying in a bathtub. I almost died. Wow. I'm killing a bathtub. Like drugs. What? I was trying to suck his own dick in his body weight snapped his mind.

Oh. Um, you know, I was watching, you know, I've always thought you were funny and I was always, I was always, you know, when you came in, you're always really nice guy and pleasant and I didn't know how, just quickly vicious funny you could be.

Oh, thank you. Because I hang out with, you know, Norton, yeah, and Keith and Voss and... The Legends, yeah. You know, Colin and Patrice and, you know, I'm a World War II veteran of, you know, that type of comedy. I have, I have scars on my heart

from being hurt so much from, you know, just terrible shit. Boston in particular, you're an era of comedians that just... It was a new, Boston, but when we came to New York, it got mean. Mm-hmm. Kevin Hart, Keith. And Trees. Would you do this with people you loved or with anyone? Only people. Only people I liked.

Yeah. Only, you know, once in a while, if somebody fucked with me, you go for the jugular, but then it becomes evil. But us, it's always a, it was always a mean thing, but you know, cause I love you. Certain guys I never fucked with, that I really liked a lot, but I just knew if I said something to them, they'd take it the wrong way, they just didn't play that game.

They'd crumble. Yeah, they'd crumble. So like I consider myself, and look later in life, I don't really do that as much anymore. I like to have more, you know, life short, I've been through the Wamba veteran dude. I get to kind of sit back and relax a little bit now

and have fun and enjoy my life, you know. Even though me and Vaugh still play, I hope, the I hope game, you ever do that? No, it's. Anytime we talk on the phone, when we're done, we'll play the I hope game where it's like. No, it's anytime we talk on the phone when we're done We'll play the I hope game. What's like all right? I'll talk to you later All right, I hope you crash into a fucking tree and he'll be like well, I hope you I hope as you go I'm trying to suck your dick exactly. I hope you die try to suck a dick and a small

15 small small black children from a bus fine you and they'll take for videos of you and they've been the headline reads black kidnaps children found next to the i tried to suck his own dick would hide you know so that's that's your game and yeah so why did things get so softly because i have noticed i started

comedy that doesn't really happen well because I think um Well, dude the comics have changed the back when I was coming up comedy was smaller There was no Netflix comedy was in a worldwide thing comedy was a US in Canada Maybe UK a little yeah, no fucking comedy in India. There's no China comedy. Brazil. No, none of that shit. A little in Australia maybe, but it was mainly a coast, this coast to that coast thing. And it was mainly men.

Yeah. Lot of men, lot of cis, fuck you type of guys. You know, a blue collar, comedy was a hard and thing. Dirt bags. Yeah, we were fucking pieces of shit. They had a hard life in that comedy. Not to say that there wasn't writers and funny women too, they were,

but there wasn't a lot, just wasn't that way. And in the last 30 years, that whole thing is flipped upside down now with Netflix. And Netflix is worldwide. They needed somebody to represent India in the comedy game, Canada, Gays, Straight, Australia, China. They need, the world is looking at comedy,

but they were just looking at fucking dudes like me. So they changed it up and now, and now with all the cultural shit that's going on, people wanna, they don't wanna hurt people's feelings. Yeah, there's also a shift that's happened, and I know I'm part of this. Like when I started comedy, the image of a comedian to me was,

was it tell or a dirt bag, a dirt bag, a person who wouldn't be confident walking, you know, approaching a girl at a bar, walking into a job interview. So if you saw walking behind you on the street at night, you'd run. Yes. And then suddenly since I've started, it feels like it's shifted to good looking young, put together well-dressed, fit people. So, I hate it. You shouldn't hate it. No? No. Do you hate it? No, because it happened

back in the 80s. It did. You had the word. It happened back in the 80s when they did a comedy on TV and all of a sudden, Jay Moore, evening at the improv and comedy half hour and Caroline's half hour and MTV's half hour and all of a sudden, you know, they were getting good-looking comics and they weren't always the funniest, but they were TV people and, you know, and it got saturated and, you know, comedy's saturated now. I think it's gonna pop soon.

Don't know because, don't know. I don't think it's gonna pop, but I think what will happen is they'll coexist for the first time. I think real edgy, funny, comedy will, you know, like if you look at Skankfest, Skankfest is huge. This is a little festival with four fucking scumbags

and a couple of fucking chicks and a big tall Jewish Frankenstein guy. Well, like let's do this in Brooklyn because they won't bring us into their festival. And they, and it, and it popped. Now they're in Vegas and it sells out immediately and every comic in the world goes to it. And it's, it's a fucking crazy fucked-up environment,

but it's safe. Because it's all about the funny. Yes. It's about being funny. And they bring people there who are funny. And it's being judged by not the industry or the You know what the tone is what the memo that went out to everybody we need more lesbian Indians You know, I mean that's what you know that's what that the business goes by they don't know what they go by what's making money

Right, no this was just making money right these They don't know what, they go by what's making money. You know, this festival is just making money. Right, these guys don't give a fuck. You're like, let's invite that one. She's good, bring them. She might hate us because we're assholes, but ask her to come. I saw Whitney Cummings there last year, and she was having fun on skanks.

And I mean, everybody goes there. Everybody's invited, you invited, which is great. And so I think they're co-existing a little bit now. It sounds like you have made peace with whatever it is. You sound like you're in a very peaceful place of not resenting any of this, not dreading. It sounds awesome, I'm not there. Well, because I think you're where you're supposed to be,

and you're where you're supposed to be. And you're where you, you're where you, you want to be, you know, so if you're in a place of why the fuck, why do they got it and I don't, that's where you'll be. But if you're in a place where you're not really looking at, they got it because that's what they wanted and that's theirs. I'm over here doing this. I'm hanging with you right now. This is what I want to do.

I think what I've done for 15 years. Did it, you know, is it making me a fucking billion dollars like these other guys with their podcasts? No. Patreon.com, such Robert Kelly. I mean, it's five bucks. If 10,000 of you just did it, we'd, I'd be rich. All suck my dick on the Patreon if enough of you join.

All right, listen to me If we get 10,000 people to join this patreon will you so I will split that one month with you That's $80,000. I'll do it. Yeah, okay, okay listen to me half and half. That's this is the clip Here's the thing 10,000 subscribers Here's the thing, 10,000 subscribers. You can't, don't pay along me the next month. I need you for the other month because I'm splitting it with this fucking half of, have that renew on?

Yes, listen, 10,000. We'd 10,000, right? Yeah, 10,000. Is how much money? Is that 50,000 a month? P how much money? 50,000 a month How much is it at 10,000 dollars at 10 dollars? Yeah, cuz I gotta give video I have audio only and video there's also Serbian up you any 10 10 dollars time 10,000 that's a hundred hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, but it's not gonna be exactly that because there are the people that it been locked in

Well, this is new people. This is you got up. Okay, dummy $1,000? But it's not gonna be exactly that because there are the people that have been locked in. But no, this is new people. This is shit. Shut up. Okay. Tell me, it's still there. So it might be technically. And technically some people might shut up.

So let's say 80. Okay. You'll get 40. That's a good deal. You're a fucking hard times right now. You need money. It just might be, might be buying a place soon so I could use dude you heard me with the album first My boy Matt is gonna suck his dick live on this show. We're gonna get banned off of YouTube

And just go on patreon can he suck his own packa? Yeah, patreon you can do that patreon You got to join patreon and he's gonna suck his own packa and I'm gonna try Yeah, I'm gonna your bathtub or mine no No, we're gonna do it right here. Okay, we're gonna suck our own Dicks on Patreon if you subscribe! So we're gonna have at least two months, three months of you guys stayin' in. $10, that's gonna be epic. We have three months to do it. How many months? Four months. You're about to have a very different fan base. Let's give six. I hope it is. I don't care if it's all gay. I don't care if you're all gay. I'll go okay. I'll dump my wife right now. I'll get a sugar daddy down in the same Pete. Listen to me. I love my

culture. I want to go living in him. Um, there you go. For how many months, six months, we give it? Yes, six. Six months. In the next six months, if it happens before, we're both gonna, he's definitely gonna do it. I'm gonna try my damnedest. I'm gonna give it the old college try. I'm gonna do it for the Gipa. Six months, and I spit it with you, shake on it. Men, that's what men do.

That's what men do. Men do. Making deals, making moves. Yeah, men suck their dicks to buy their women houses. Letting someone else suck your dick, very good. Whoa, whoa, no one, yeah, that's gay. I'm not saying that. Man or woman, it's gay.

Suck in your own dick. That's the straightest thing you can do. But I bring up your comedy because I saw a clip of you. It's one of my favorite things ever. I always knew you're a funny man. You always kill the seller. But, and you kind of disappear once it, what do you go? On the road a bit. Yeah. Yeah. What do you have another job?

No. So you just make money comedy. Yeah, just comedy. And you live with your girl? I live with my girl. And you live in the city? Brooklyn. What does she do? She works in tech and, uh, big money. She makes big money there. And then she, she's been doing comedy, it's happened with comedy a couple of years. She's a comic, yes. Ugly. Somewhat newly. Ugly.

2019. It's pretty great. She books shows and I get to do them. And when we travel together, we can both look for stage time. And is she very funny? OK, but is she, is it going all right? Is your relationship good? Yes.

That is not a dresser. Her regular job is the stressor. What's that? The tech job. The tech job. What is that? Sales for cybersecurity. Really? Is it just so much work and it's so high stress? There's a lot of money there. Yeah. She makes a lot of money. That's a good paying job. Yes. Well that sounds good. Is she gonna mine you when you... You said you're gonna make 40 grand? I probably should have run a buyer before, but you know.

You can do about it now. We shook on it. I probably should have run a buyer before, but you know, not you can do about it. Now we shook on. I'll buy or something nice. You're buying a house. $10,000 of that's going to a necklace or a ring or something. Yeah. That's funny. We, we, we suck you dick every month that they're on after.

What if it's just me and you coming in on money? There we go. Ah. Second digs. We're gonna do this with the patient. All right guys, here we go. All right. Not the completion. Um, I don. We're gonna do this with the page. All right guys, here we go. All right.

Not the completion. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could do it with the completion. No, I hate to smell it with my dick. Sorry. How do you know? No, sorry. I mean, I was looking at myself.

So you. I also hate to smell your dick. You have this clip that you did do that i sent you a message uh... where you would do what show was it uh... it was roast battle okay roast battle jeff Ross you with and the judge

was john those are the bathroom joe who's in the bathroom go get joe is he shitting You're paying these people to shit. I mean, tell them to stop making fucking noise. Um, such an asshole. They really just make noise like there's not a show happening. Yeah. I have to get like a glass wall. I'm running in the walls.

I'm putting behind a wall. No longer a wall. I'm just going to get a glass wall. I'm going to get a glass wall. I'm going to get a glass wall. I'm going to get a glass wall. I have to get like a glass wall. I'm right running in the walls. I'm putting behind a wall.

No longer will they be in the studio. The new studio we're building here, they're going in a box. Did you hear that? Like a soundproof. No, I need his stupid laugh. Oh, okay. I love Max's laugh. And Danny laughs, you know, it was really funny

because he's dumb. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, I love Max's laugh and Danny laughs. You know, it was really funny because he's dumb But you did do you have the clip? John mayor John mayor, so John may listen now John may and here's the thing John made John mayor I'm in one time with John look. I love he's good. He's cool. He's a good guy. Mm-hmm. It's a great guy He One time was downstairs and I said something to him. And he got like, it was weird. I was fucking with him and he goes,

you, you know, you're fucking with me, like you. And I was, it kinda hit me. You know what I mean? I was kinda like, because he's John Mayer. And it took me off my feet a little bit because I was just joking with him. He was like, who are you to fucking say that to me, type thing? Yes.

He pulled some like, I'm better than you thing with me. And it kinda hurt. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because it was shocking. And I had another day I would be like, go fuck yourself. I don't give a fuck who you are. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah, sure, I love every song you've ever done. And I hum all your shit and I played it at the gym when I box and it's the only thing that motivates me sometimes to done. And I hum all your shit and I play it at the gym when I box. And it's the only thing that motivates me sometimes to go to the gym is all your songs. It's brilliant. Yeah, he's brilliant, but you, man,

the thing that he doesn't have over you, right? Yeah. And when he did it to me, I was at one of my fats is you are just, just as good looking as him. If not better. Oh, thank you. So that he can't call you this fat.

He can't say bald. He can't because he's looking right at a better looking guy than him. Right, younger. Good tall, younger, fucking hair, face. You're, what's it called? Frenulum. Nope.

What's it, Philcrum? Your face, your face seem. What's it called for you know what's it feel chrome your face your face seem what's it called film from for all come no what is it think it was actually film film film film yeah right film

he has a very pronounced film he does does not matter is a good looking guy and he he he fancies himself a comedian yes he does yeah so the reason the the inspiration for this clip was I listened to when he put out continuum, I was in college, I was a freshman in college. And before the album dropped, there was a bootleg recording of the songs he was doing for it that I listened to off of like, I downloaded like off Kazah or something. Oh yeah, yeah.

So you would hear him riff between songs and he would do a lot of jokes between songs that I thought were really funny because they were fairly well written. Someone in the audience like makes a request and he goes, are you gonna make a request for me in this small intimate showing where I'm debuting songs that have never been heard?

That's like getting a blowjob from Jessica Album. You're like, I found it a bit toothy. It was a funny line and he kind of owned that arrogance. Because again, like Dirtbag was the only thought, only Dirtbag's could be funny that he could hold the status. Arrogance.

Arrogance is another thing funny. Arrogant people have, you know, British. Arrogant. But if you fail, you fail hard. So it needs, and I thought he did a good job with that. So he was one of the people who I, when I started comedy, I'm like, well, if he can be funny, then all those things

that should work against me comedically, there's a hope that I could, and that's that's true. I said to him in this clip. Yeah, buddy, I watched this clip like seven times. Not more because of what he did to me. I was like, you, and he froze me in my tracks, and I never got that opportunity back to go,

go fuck yourself. You know what I mean? It's just during a king in that situation. I'm like, he has so much status. Why would he be bothered by what you're saying? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what it was, but I did come out.

I would came in a little hot. I gotta take a hit. I did come to the table, a little hot. What'd you say to him? I don't know. You're not a real comedian. Go play your love songs. No, no, no, no, no.

I fraud. No, I didn't do that. I actually liked that he did stand up. You know what I mean? It was pretty wild. It's cool. But now I figured I wish I could remember what I said. I said something.

I busted his balls. Something. He was like, you know, something like. And then he looked at me and he goes, you're you said that to me like that like who he like You're saying that and he wasn't just throwing it back as a row. It was no he was offended at that the Help or whatever right whatever he you know what I mean? It was a fuck you and it hurt and he got me and I should have fucking responded. I should have been, I should have said, yeah me, go fuck yourself.

Well you're sitting at the comics table, take a hit or go fucking beat it. I should have said something. Yeah, because whenever what I've noticed is in roasting, roast battling people, the second someone actually gets defensive, they are leaning their chin out. For whatever next joke you have.

Anytime someone says, that's not true. Actually, if they don't absorb the blow and then try to turn it on you, the battle is yours. You have to only be mildly witty, which was what happened in this. He got defensive against me. I made a joke about him. He got defensive and then I had another one of the back pocket

that he accidentally set me up for. You listened to it. You threw a jab that he thought was a overhand right. Right. But it was a jab. And then he thought was a overhand right right but it was a jab and then he's a they taunt you fucking he and he he threw a little jab back and you hit him with that right right mother fucker this is great and I hope I haven't seen it a while and I hope it lives up to the hype I just you know what I mean because I'm nervous right now because but to me it was

great let's hear this is the's the long version. Oh, we got to put the headphones on. So I walked out not knowing how you like what rain will happen. You look fucking great. We didn't plan this. I just said to Moses. I have jokes about John if there's a moment. Yep. To simply put it, it's a pony. Hold on, I want to just let you know one thing. Matthew told me the other night that there were one of the reasons he got into comedy was because he was a big fan of Johns. Yeah. Me. I mean, stop. Stop. You have to look at John Mayer. I mean, John Mayer is john mayor's fucking smoking hot smoking hot not wearing any makeup in that clip really how did you know the makeup artist was mad

really john didn't want to make up i mean john make you scroll back just to freeze on john please you i mean your justice good look i mean i got to go on his got ten years on me look i'm gonna say john's better looking you that's fair i mean he is i mean there's something his hair but you and john are right there next to each other but he definitely he's got a little on you

like if i had a pic between you john and jeff i'm picking john i'm a legit watch fucking weirdo uh... yeah he's a good looking you're both damn good looking. I thank you. I mean fucking toe to toe. Go ahead. Yeah. Me. You're the reason I do

stand up. A lot of you he does comedy on college or listen to your live recordings and you'd riff these jokes between songs that were really good. And that wasn't I realized you can be funny while staying true to yourself as a cocky pretentious douchebag. And I always love that. Just a jab. Stop. Just look at, see? Stop. He's bothered.

Yeah, why did you just stop? Not on blackness. What happened? I'm going back. I hate you. OK, yeah. Stop. Yeah, dude, he got fucked.

Go back. Can you stop when we wanted you to stop? Please I hate I hate I would say 20 seconds past that I hate because I was very worried he knows we're right there stop A little longer than that, but yeah right there split play it right there in college I would listen to your live recordings and you'd riff these jokes between songs that were really good and that was And I realized you can be funny while staying true to yourself as a cocky pretentious douchebag. Right to stop. Stop. Look at him.

His eyebrows are up. You got him. Yeah. You made a mad. That was the first thing I ever said to him we had never met before. Ha! Look at Sarah. I mean.

Look at Sarah. She's like, ah, he's like an asshole. She loves it. Steph Simbari sitting behind her. John Mayer's face right now, if he could have you murdered with his money, he would go kill him. Well, this is, this moment is the same moment you had with him

as what he says next is you and if you press play. Yeah, that's his, but wait a second, that's his thing, I didn't even nope. It's the exact same thing. That's why I'm really not surprised by your interaction with him. You, like you fucking peasant. Right.

He got you. And he wants to insult by lack of musical talents in this next part. All right, let's go, let's all. Oh my, lovely up on that stage. What song are you going to play? I mean, John, you have so many amazing hits. Jessica Simpson, Katie Perry, Taylor Swift. Put it down, buddy.

Put it down. Yup, look at that. I mean, you're... I think they cut my last line, which was me if you got me drunk enough. Really? Yeah. I mean, he turned his mic upside down. I mean, in his defense, or in opposite of defense, whatever. Of course, he takes that joke well.

It's about how many women he's had sex with. Yeah, both. of the joke is that the the women you've had sex with outshine your musical career I'm sure he can ignore right but I mean good for him he's you're right I think he's genuinely defensive maybe in the comedy world he feels defensive like he hasn't proven himself as a comedian well dude first of all he's John mayor he's John he's a multi millionaire he's't proven himself as a comedian. Well, dude, first of all, he's John Mayer. He's John Fuff. He's a multi-millionaire. He's doing great. He has a watch collection that is fucking on parallel. Yeah, and he is John Mayer.

And he has banged everybody. So I get it. But when you did this man, you were my hero. Thank you. Because you redeem me when I failed. That makes a lot of sense. You know what I mean? Like it really kind of meant something to me because I remember that night downstairs.

The Christmas party. You can't have been told me. You know, I was like, oh wow, it meant a lot to him and I was really surprised by that. And now I'm realizing what it meant to you. Yeah, you got, you did it, you did it for the little guy. Yeah. For the little chubby guy that couldn't fight back. Today's episode is brought to you by Ghostbad.

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And you get this context of it now. You're saying I'm that guy too. I'm also a douchebag. Yes. And that put him in a position where he couldn't take me down with him. I entangled our states. Right. There's nothing he can do to take a knock off that. He can't take

me down that direction because I pulled this boat out. Eminem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You. I'm having it. And then he came back at you. And he did what song you. That's kind of like. If he was anyone but John Mayer, that line would have really fallen flat it would share a hundred percent right what's on the missing uh... you know none this is a comedy show i'm not gonna bore somebody with my love song

i don't know what do you do i have to get a do i have to get it or you have to rug for you to be funny right yeah nice who's whose body is a because that's what they stand up there yeah, thank you. Yes. You got it. I got it. Fucking shitheads over there didn't get it. And they go, I pay you to fake laugh.

I'm a jam band fan. Oh yeah, I've seen. It's, yeah, but man, I'm telling you, it really meant something to me. And I didn't understand it until later, I was like, oh, because that was my moment. I missed that moment with him where he really got me. And I didn't say anything.

I remember not saying a word. I remember slowly walking away from my table. The table that I'd blood-sweaten tears. I took a pounding from Patrice there one night for 40 minutes and almost cried for wearing sweatpants with a blue stripe down the side. You know what I mean? I had an orton in me fight. Me and Vos almost fist fought You know what I mean? I've been nortin' me fight, me and Voss almost fistfought.

Billy, I mean, crazy. I was there and I walked away because you, and I was like, I guess not me. This guy come into the table with transfer credits at best. Yeah. Yeah, can kinda outrank you. Yeah. A guy who dabbles, who's the hobbyist

in our passion, our life. Yeah, you made me, he made me feel safe. Like we're friends, where we could do that shit to each other. And then I guess I wasn't famous enough for. It was like you, you know, like he let me know who I was in his world and then to see this clip and to see you come out with your

just cockiness. You had the same weapons as he had. Air, lips, eyes, fulcrum and you went out and you fucking whapped him in the face and then you hit him again and then he turned his mic upside down. I was like you did it for the little guy dude. It felt really good in the moment. Yeah, it was all, none of it was planned. I knew he was a judge, and I was really eager to get through. I think I had to get through two, a battle or two to get just to that round.

And I was really, he wasn't a judge the first night. So I was like, I have to win. So I get to the second night. He's a judge, and a big, big fan. I've always wanted to meet him and perform with him. And I had some jokes that I kind of like wrote on the fly in addition to the jokes of the battle. And I was sending backstage in there,

you know, they're about to open the door to call me out. And I say to Moses, Brian Moses, I said, I have some jokes about John, if there's a moment. And he goes, you got jokes about John? I go, yeah, he talks to the mouthpiece. He goes, yeah, Jeff Mask has some jokes about John. Good luck out there. And they pushed me out.

It's great. So there was really no planning with sides. So I just had those two and I was like, hope they land. The first one landed, I was like, thank God. They used that for the promo. Yeah. I mean, that was how epic it was.

You rose to John Mayer and killed him. Yeah. And that's the one they used for the promo. And I would say he's probably in my like top five like celebrities of all time to meet. And did you meet him? Briefly afterwards. And I would say he's probably in my top five like celebrities of all time to meet. And did you meet him? Briefly afterwards. What do you say?

He was being interviewed. There was, he was being interviewed for an article about the whole event. And it was about comedy. And I said something about comedy. And he talked over me. What happened? He just kind of talked, oh, what was it?

First I came up to him and I said, hey man, big fan obviously, if it's not too rude, I have a theory about one of your songs, because I was curious about it. He goes, yeah, a lot of people have a lot of theories about that song. I'm not sure what it's about. I mean, I guess, listen, I listen. Well, it's, you know, you know, I get it. You know, you all grace this submarine test.

It's a great song. But yeah, and then he kind of talked over me. Now I'm talking shit on my guy. I guess you're talking shit. You just tell the story. My interaction with him, and I don't, maybe I walked into an interview that was already like happening.

I didn't get the feel of it, but I remember I said something about comedy and then he started talk over me with more authority and it was about comedy. And I'm like, well, that's not your thing. Yeah, area of expertise. Yeah, but you can't fuck with those type of people. And the ego is what makes him great. Maybe, I, no.

It worries me because it's like so many people with that talent and success are like, so egotistical. It's like, is that a prerec? Is that? Yeah, well, I've thought the same thing. Do you need to be a narcissist? Do you need to have an ego that hurts people?

Right. And leaves a wake to make it in this business. Maybe you do. Yeah. Maybe the only thing that you have to have blinders on, and leaves a wake to make it in this business. Maybe you do. Yeah. Maybe the only thing that you have to have blinders on, and that's it, you, you, you, and what you want and fuck everybody else and how they feel.

Well, you're very successful, and then you've worked hand in hand with some people who are, I think, like, the stratospheric level of success. Well, I'm successful in different ways. I'm successful in the way that I appreciate. I have a good family life. I'm a good husband, I'm a good dad, I'm a good friend.

You're a great comedian. I'm a great comedian. You're a great comedian who great comedians talk very highly of. Yeah, that to me is fine with that. Yeah. I make a living. Yeah. I get to work with some of my big J. Mm-hmm.

I get to work with young guys. Young comics coming up. I've always cultivated that. So, you know, Colin Quinn, you know, these are my friends. Norton Voss, Keith. I work at the best club I think in the world. And the history, yeah. And history, and yeah, so that's success to me,

100%. Podcasts, blah, blah, blah. I mean, like I said, all the people have podcasts that a millionaires off their podcasts and do all kinds of crazy shit and make a lot of money. That's great. I like being with my family.

I don't know if I look at some guys' tour dates that they put out there and they're gone. It's like how many weeks in a year? 52? Yeah. And they have 52 dates. It's like, bro, what the fuck? You kid. Right. You kid. You wife. Every weekend. How much do you need? I don't understand how much money you need to not be with your kid on a Saturday. Or a Sunday morning. I don't work. I really, really, I tell my agent, Maddie Frost, I have no Sundays. I've got to be home for Sundays, pancakes Sunday.

My kid's going to see me on a Sunday. Was there an era of your life where you like did just live on the road and put everything else second? Yeah, before I was married. Yeah. When I was an egotistical, narcissistic piece of shit. Yes. I just needed to do comedy and get my PPSUCT.

And that's all I cared about. That was fine. That's great. Yeah. It's just, you know, my, I've learned that, you know, managers, agents, it's a job to them. It's not, you're not family. You're not their friends. It's not going to, it's probably not going to last forever. You know, the people that you care about are, you know, you create. You create those relationships and over time and it hurts.

It's painful, it's ups and downs, but you know, last week I was up at, you know, on the lake, my kid was out on the swim platform with these two autistic assholes. I brought them up to the lake. Oh my God, it was a funny. They would plant my kid. And me and my wife were just sitting there in the chair right in the water, and I was holding a hand, and she looked so cute. And I was like, this is what I work for. This is what I busted my ass for.

For years, is to have serenity. For a couple of minutes. Just 25 minutes, 38 minutes, I had serenity and I was with the woman I loved and I looked around, I saw my kid playing with these two fucking assholes that I'm with and then the stress came back and the show and then I did this and then I had a dry bag,

but those moments, I don't think you get days, I think you get moments, and you work hard for the moments. Just when they come up, if you don't fucking enjoy them, if you're trying to look down the road, you'll miss those moments. And those are the things that you get in life that you'll go back and remember that time,

I'll remember these two autistic kids with my son on fucking kayaks and holding my wife's hand just being happy, you know, for the rest of my life. So, if that's success, yes, I'm successful. Yeah. But if, you know, having a gazillion dollars and treating people like shit is successful, I don't have that.

Yeah. And maybe thank God. Yeah, I mean, mayor's not, I mean, last train home was his, I think last big radio hit. Oh, just trashing mayor now. It's a good song, but it's. Well, just trash it, that fucking. Ha ha.

Let's just, yeah, this is just all a take down. No, look, man, look at, he's in a dip, he's from a different planet. Those people are not from my world. But even him, he has, last train home is about a guy who's kind of put his career first and put all these other things in his life first. And now he's in his mid 40s, late 40s, and needs to find someone, needs to find someone to spend his life with because he put that off. And now it's getting much harder to do. So even he's, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

he could be. He could be. Or he's just using that song to get his dick sucked Over and over again, you know he is you know he is He's trying to explain that no, I got to find somebody. I need to be the one Yeah, fool around and I gotta find my partner. You don't have to do that because you can suck your own dick I'll need it. Are you Matt? You're gonna marry your girl? What I would like to yeah? Yeah, that's the plan You want kids? Yes. Yeah. But God is that a stressful thing to plan for financially and logistically with my current schedule. Yep.

Yeah. Madden's not having kids so it's 40. 40? Yeah, it was when we decided she was 38. I was 40. One of her kids and we tried. That's good. Yeah, 42 I had them.

Okay. So he's 10. That's good. We're worried about like the timeline. She's what, 32. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I always say, wait for that.

Go enjoy your shit together and, you know, you all that stupid shit, you know, get your dreams and stuff in order. And then, you know, I had the kid at the right time, I think. 42 and 40? She was 40, I was 42, yeah. My dad was 47, my mom was 41 when they had me. No shit, they're old now. Are they still alive? Dad's dead. My mom's my mom's 76. Yeah.

How old was your dad when he passed away? 70 75. No shit. Yeah. It's pretty young Parkinson's. Oh shit. Yeah, but for like 15 years kind of overstate as well. Is that like I was at the mentors or same thing? There is dementia associate the the physical. It's so like what all simmers is pure mental L.S. is pure physical Parkinson's is sweet spot right in between. Wow. So mental degradation physical degradation first. They have no cure they have nowhere near it. They can give you all these things for it and sometimes it can knock you out in a year or you can have like the Michael J. Fox version where you last 20 years. When you're a fucking millionaire they're gonna keep around to make money for the thing my dad lasted 15 and just just on on like he smoking weed

No, I heard weed helps. I've heard that too. Yeah, I'm down the tremors He was physically active which helps a lot like if you like bike and like he did like woodwork if you use your body You don't lose it as fast right was you annoying to eat an ice cream with he was his don't lose it as fast. Right. Was he annoying to eat an ice cream with it? He was his... He was more of a head shake guy. Oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah. That was a hard part of like, he would, if you were saying something, it looked like he was saying no. Oh, right. You get for yelling. Dad stops trying to suck your own dick.

He was crazy hunched over. He was halfway there just naturally. You love you dad. Oh, I love the guy. Yeah. How it was sucked, huh? Yeah, it was a bummer. I mean, we got along goodbye.

You know what I mean? Like, he was diagnosed when I was 12. He died when I was 28. So I had like time to prepare. We had time to say goodbye. To have those time. Yeah, that's great, man. Yeah.

And he retired early because of it, so we got to spend a lot of time together. What did you do? You dad did the, you told me before. He was a chemist. Maybe that's what gave it to him. He worked around some strong chemicals. What about your mom?

It's, oh, fuck. What about her? It must have killed her, right? Yeah, it was tough. It's tough watching someone. I mean, this is a, like a heavy thing to say, but a disease isn't a thing. It isn't a person.

It isn't an entity. But you hate the disease, and what the only thing you can really do is hate the person for having the disease. Like your anger at the disease kind of gets vented into the person sometimes. That's one of the hard parts about some having a terminal disease or any kind of, you know, ailment that causes them to diminish shinabilities. But I got there. Yeah, my stepdad passed away a few years ago.

I'm very sorry. You got to affect me. It was hard to watch my mom. You know, that's the thing that Louis CK joke where it's like no matter how I'm going to kill the joke isn't no matter how happy you are. You have the perfect wife, you have the perfect kid, you have the perfect dog and house. Someday that dog's going to die, your wife is going to die. You're going to die, your kid's going to be left alone. You know, it's, it just goes through life. And it's like, yeah, that's why you have to fucking enjoy shit.

Yeah. You know, because you never know when it's up, you know, it's why you have to fuck you. I always was like, I'm going to be famous and then I'll enjoy my life. Right. I'm going to be famous. If I can just get the fame and the money and I don't, and then my, you and the my kid won't have to worry about anything, then I'll enjoy my life.

10 million, what could it be? Fuck that, yeah. Fuck that, enjoy it now. I wanted a lake house, my whole life couldn't afford it. Not with my money, I bought a tiny house. Fuck it, I can afford that. Went to tiny homes and man, put a tiny house on a tiny piece of land, and I live up there.

Main? And no, and the hamster. Hamster. Yeah, I got what was mine. That's beautiful area. Yeah, it's beautiful. I didn't get on the water, but it's right down the street. That's what happened to my dad, and that's what my mom was like most bitter about.

Was he grew up very poor, and he, you know, was this very gifted guy academically, ended up getting a degree and a good job and was able to pull himself out of poverty and pull his brothers out of poverty. And he always had that doomsday mentality if don't spend the money. Don't spend it, we gotta save it up. So he died with all this money left behind.

That he never really was able to spend or feel comfortable spending. And he left it all to my mom, and now my mom has all of his money and is too lonely for the money to help like it doesn't sure she's more money than she's gonna ever spend before she dies and you that mean you'll get it I'll get it yeah she doesn't like no I have a brother she pulls me out of the will every other week why she's crazy she's crazy I think she's by pull she's really insane she's a truly insane person.

She's really. She'll she won't actually do the paperwork, but she threatens us like every other week. Both you and your bro. Uh-huh. And she'll threaten me because my brother Pizzis are off. Is that a weird thing? Is she? Do my mom, my mom does weird shit like that too. Like I'm, you know, I'm taking it. I'm giving everything to you. You know, she's getting affectionate with my sister. You're getting everything. Oh good. I'm going you know, I'm taking it, I'm giving everything to you. You know, she's getting a fight with my sister. You're getting everything. Oh good, I'm gonna get a fucking plate with a turkey on it. And I'm so excited.

I'm gonna get a, I'm gonna get a fucking stupid table that's broken from the 17th century. Really? It's from the 60s. That's so funny. A creepy doll. Yeah, they all, they, they, yeah. The money thing, that ruins families.

Yeah. It really does. Sometimes my brother and I are good and my, like, I don't think we'll ever have a conflict be doll. Yeah, the money thing that ruins families. Yeah, because sometimes my brother and I are good and my like, I don't think we'll ever have a conflict over her money, but she'll like, she, it's like El Nino where she'll be mad at me for seven years and the mad at him for seven years. And right now it's all my brother. She hated me for a long time. I was, I was like second place for many, many years with my brother being the star. And now it's kind of flipped back to where I'm the good kid. Yeah. And she'll be like, I'm giving it all to you.

I'm not giving him any money. So that's me sometimes. And then other days she'll threaten me. And then two days later I'll be calling her about like things I've said about. She's like, what are you so worried about? You're gonna get all my money when I die. Why are you working so hard?

Come visit me. I'm like, because you threatened to take it away from me last week, so I'm clearly, I'm not gonna count on getting that one. I'm gonna build my own stability. Does it ever make you wanna take it out now while you're the one? It does, that'd be a funny movie, wouldn't it?

It just keeps going back over. You're about to kill it. It just goes, I'm taking it. I took you out and you're like, fuck. God, you're like, And that'd be the twist in the end of the movie, I kill you. Yeah, but she keeps taking you in and out of the fucking money. Then you both kill at the same time

and you decide to split the money and she didn't leave anything to you. She was a lesbian and she left it to a lesbian under common law because she's in California. That's so funny. Thank you, Max. Thank you, Max. My mom's secret lady lover.

Yeah, she shows up at $10 million. Your father had more money. You found it was a quarter of money. There's other accounts. A bit coin. So you open for Burt, how was that? Great. It's very fun.

You love it. I love it. Crazy. Crows are great. I feel like I'm only there as some kind of like wellness encouragement, because I'm the guy who doesn't really drink. I want to get up and work out. I'm trying to eat healthy meals. And I think I'm part of why I'm around guy who doesn't really drink. I want to get up and work out. I'm trying to eat healthy meals.

And I think I'm part of why I'm around is to detox the crew. Right. After two crazy weekends. It turns wild. It's wild. We did coffee animas. That was one of the crazier things we did. We have this.

Together or in the same room. In separate bathrooms. It's okay, great. But they did try to break in. They did definitely- They want video. They wanted video. They want that whole fucking thing. It's content content content content content. It's like you are on you are whatever you do

You're on. Yeah, they'll use it video just make something every day and tour life is exciting Is all you need to do is get stuff on on video? I would what I would do is if they we would do in the animal and They broke in I would have my asshole out and my penis and I would just stop screaming. No! And then I would subvert for 25 million. And then I would just go to the hamstring, quit the business, and never see me again. And maybe spray them with the exit hose?

Oh yeah, I let it shoot all over them. Yeah. Yeah, like a skunk. Yeah, I shoot him with a coffee animal. That's my plan if you ever put me on the tour. Um, I got comics from you have a special too. Where is your special me? Yeah. Oh, my half hour is on you call it. I'm gonna do that. I'm doing a special this year. Okay, we're gonna talk about that. Okay. What are you? Why are you gonna make it a? Why do you get it'sode Geego Stinks? Because when I do the special this year,

I wanna build it as my first special. Okay, so that's part of why. I would have followed my special, but recently I'm like, you know what, I've never known a full hour. Where's your half hour? Half hours on YouTube. YouTube.

Yes, Comedy Central YouTube. It's Comedy Central, so they own it. They own it, but. You get little guts. No, yeah. You get little guts. Yes, but like, You can take the clips No, yeah, you got little guts. Yes, but I get all the likes and put it on my... You can take the clips, oh god, you can take your jokes

and your clips and use them. Oh, how nice. How now, oh my god, thank you. You guys can have all that money. Hey, you know, I'm not gonna ridicule a sinking ship as it falls out. Sinking, things by the Titanic. Right. People on the sub saw the comics.

All right, listen, you have a new special coming up. Where is it? I'm gonna do it on YouTube. By yourself? By myself. Filming here. You're gonna film it at the seller. Yes.

They got those new cameras. Yeah. Do you see those new cameras? No. Dude, interview. The comedy seller, you should see. They're actually gonna be this Saturday. This is already past.

They're gonna be doing a live Comedy Cellar show at Regal theaters. Oh, I saw about that. Yeah. And they're gonna live stream it. We're not streaming at Regal theaters. So that would be an interesting thing. If they live stream one of your shows to the theaters.

And you get some of that money. That would be good marketing. Be great, Marr. It would be crazy marketing, but you're filming the special anyways. Yeah. And the cameras, they have the $10,000 cameras they put in there. So you're going to get a great special along with who's shooting it, you know? I'm going with a guy named Jason Katz right now.

Okay, Jason, I know he did that. Go list. Yeah, he's done some really great stuff. All right, he knows the solid. Great, and that's great. Do you have a name for it? Maybe hyperbolic is the name I want to go with. What's that? What is that?

It's a nerdy thing because hyperbolic can be a type of function and math that's extremely important, or it can be a description of a story, a story with a great deal of exaggeration. Can I give you a suggestion? Don't do that. No, here's a name you might want to go with. To call it, I can sign my own dick and have you on the front like this. No, that's great. We have questions from the fans.

You want to hear it? Yeah, I love to hear it. You mind? OK, do we have any questions in the chat for him? from the fans. You want to hear? Yeah, I love to hear. You mind? Okay. Do we have any questions in the chat for him? By the way. Over the line. We're live right now. Wow.

We're not fucking around. Dude, if you could, I mean, I can't wait six months, six months, spread the word. Six months, you're sucking your dick on this podcast and we're making $80,000 so much money guys. I'm gonna give you money too. Thank you. All right. I'm gonna cut you in you get a percent each How much is that? 1% of 800 80,000

800 right I'm gonna get two Jews and an autistic you both what's going on guys? How much is it Danny? 800, right? I'm gonna get two Jews and an autistic. What's going on guys? How much is it Danny? Alright, I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna give you 5,000 each. Okay? Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Well, don't thank me. Thank you guys.

Thank you, Zachary, for talking to his own dick. Thanks Matt. Thanks Matt. He's got the curvature of the spine. Thank the, my thoracic spine and hyperbillary. I hope that doesn't fucking, is not what takes you out later in life. That's what gave you dad the Parkinson's. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh man, Goldman, I really, yeah. You did tourgasm with Goldman.

I did. Yeah. Is that a weird thing to revisit? No, I don't get fucked. No, tourgasm was great. It was a revolutionary at the time. It was the first comedians on a tour bus being rock and roll stars.

So, Dane invented, you know, all these dudes doing this now? Yeah. Dane did it. Dane was, you know, all these dudes doing this now? Yeah. Dane did it. Dane was a guy who played the garden before, I mean, Dice, Dane, I mean, even Murphy didn't play the garden. Yeah.

He played the theater. Yeah. So, you know, not at all. It was an epic time of life. You know, it's just sad that, you know, I went this way. He went that way with life. You know, so Gary Goman, he's one of the best. He's just so great, he's so unabashed.

I'm so sick of people going, dude, to Gary choke somebody or something like that. It's like, so did I. And you know what, they fucking deserved it. Yeah. So fuck off, he's one of the funniest motherfuckers out there. He's great. He really is, man.

Hard worker. Hard worker. He's smart. Classic comic. He's really nice, too. He is. I think he's turned a corner recently with just how he looks at things and that positivity kind of comes through whenever he talks to you.

Hannibal's up there for me. Hannibal Burris. I really put high. I think he's just such a clever writer. Yeah, he's a weird guy. He's a weird guy. Interesting, is unique. Yes. Yeah, good guy too. Yeah.

You know, Mulaney, Louis, Tosh, Bamford. I would put on that list in Canadian, Sean Patton. Yeah. I think it's really, I don't even think I'm inspired by Sean Patton, I'm just so impressed by how original he is. Yeah, yeah. And I think those would be my thoughts. Yeah, Bampers, funny.

Bampers very. A little weird in person. Yes, but she was kind of the first person where it wasn't that over the top, like confidence. It's the opposite. It's this kind of frailty and weakness, but she can own that in a strong way. Yeah. And that makes you feel so much better about yourself to see this kind of

shy, scared person in the world who is still so big. Huge silly and silly, silly, silly, great voices. Yeah, I mean, I love her. Big Bangkok. Big. Because you used to teach swimming? Yeah, I was a, I was the manager of the women's swim team in college. What college? Rice University. What, what, what, what the fuck, what does that mean? So the coach? No, no, I was student manager. So I did equipment managing, I did some recruiting work. And I would coach the age group and the master's team, which were kind of in conjunction with the college program. So the college program would also have

like kids come to swim at the same pool and that was run by the same program or they would have the master's team, which is like adult swim teams, which I would train with them. And I would swim. I was a swimmer. Yeah, not very good. I did club master's. You a lifeguard? I I was lifeguard for a summer or two. I could tell you something. Yeah, I was a lifeguard Yeah, yeah, I jerked off in the job one time. I felt very bad about it in the pool. No in bathroom It was rainy. No one was there, but I felt weird. Why it's weird about that. Oh, no Jewish guilt By it's a fucking locker room. Yeah, yeah, you were a lifeguard. Dude, I jerked off at a Jewish camp With the fucking redhead that lived on down the street. I had a come in I had a come in and dance for all of us

Well, we all jerked off me like six Jews just jerking off with this sludgy redhead that would come in and just then And I thought yeah, which you all jerked off together. Yeah, we all jerked off together. Are you Jewish? No Why were you in a Jewish summer camp jer Jerk? Jewish foster dad was the director. Oh. So he had, he had us come in. Okay. He was like, you can work with me or find another place to live for the summer.

I'm the director of this camp. And he put that before anybody. And I was like, all right, what's the highest paying job? He says lifeguard. So I went and got, I finished the test by three seconds. I literally went three, two, one. All right, I guess you're a lifeguard. And I was a lifeguard for a summer.

I got my shorts and all that shit. Yeah. Saving the lives? I had the Jewish kids that were in the small part of the lake. They didn't really go over the heads. Oh, you were a lake lifeguard. Like lifeguard. Yeah, like lifeguard.

That's a lot bigger deal. Well, not really. We didn't go anywhere. Just a little Jewish kids Jewish kids Bob do we have to go in today with their little those plugs yeah and their sons all right that was also this weekend I know I had these two Jewish kids up there too there's snakes in the water Danny I ate just before this can I swim swear it's quam like which is one of the cleanest legs in the country i mean it's it's

on golden pond member the movie and it was a good move with Henry fonda it's the cleanest lake this kid first of all he takes is he has a black shirt on with sweat pads under it it's embedded into his t-shirt. He has sweat pads under his thing.

Takes the black shirt off, he has another one on the underneath. He's got two t-shirts with sweat pads. Do you have hyper-hydrosis or whatever? What is it? Hyper-hydrosis. So the other option is to get boat talks in my armpits. Yes. But you'd have to keep getting it every month.

How much? I forget, let's say a few hundred, but it's every month. You gotta get it every month. Yeah, we'll get it next time you come to the lake house. I'm not letting the, it's not every month. Boats talk six months. It's every few months. I get it in my forehead.

Yeah, you gotta go to the water. You do? It's worn off right now, but. I don't get any. You have a great forehead. I get great skin. You have great skin. Fantastic.

And you've lost weight and you still have a great skin. And I look like a good skin suck. Yes, good, really. That's right. So I normally wear two because if I wear one it goes through and right now I'm only wearing one and it's going through. Is it some belly? I'm gonna throw up.

I'll see his prescription deodorant. Okay. I'm what? What? What? I use prescription deodorant. Okay. What? What? What? I use prescription deodorant as well. What the fuck is that? It's deodorant, but with a prescription.

You are the John Hughes archetype of the AV club. You are like spot on. Like every- He's why Hitler killed the juice Where are you going I can see whoa you sweat around the pad I Memories just in your armpits that you sweat so much or everywhere Listen, Doctor of Gail you're out there if you're listening please help this poor Jewish get out. So it doesn't have to wear two black t-shirts and prescription fucking at the lake.

I want him to come back, but you can't come back. I mean, this kid, he was complaining the whole time, fish shit in here. This is full of fish shit. I'm like, Danny, it's not. You're fine. And we finally went out to the swimming doc, and I look, first of all, he's like way over there by himself.

I swim up by myself. Two seconds later, he's on the swim doc, sitting there like a fucking elephant seal. By himself. Just, it tilted to one side, because his thick fucking retarded bones. LAUGHTER I mean, it was nuts. And I had to, I like, I like the people that are there of

part of this association, I mean, they're like old rich, you know, New Hampshire lake people. Yeah. And I got this fucking lonely, wandering Jew on the fuck, all the kids are like not going out there because it's just this creature out on the fucking Sweating through sweat You should be inside peering through the blind. That's where you belong crazy, dude So that's crazy that you used to swim Teach swimming now you used to swim a little bit. Yeah, yeah, you like it. I love it I love it so much. I used to like take it really seriously and

A little bit, yeah. Yeah, you like it? I love it. I love it so much. I used to like take it really seriously, and now I just do it for fun, and that feels very good. So who's your favorite swimmer of all times? Ryan Lockty. I just feel like.

Is that the guy who transitioned? No. Oh. That was the... Am I wrong? No, you're not. Oh, Lee is talking. Oh, Lee is talking.

Oh, Lee is talking. Oh, Lee is talking. Was his name Ryan Lockty before? Yes. Change the last name too. I don't know. I don't know what Laga's name was before. Ryan Lockley was the guy who was just behind Michael Phelps. He was very versed. He would be remembered as fondliest Phelps,

where it not for Phelps. He was the Michael Phelps of people who aren't Michael Phelps. Yeah, but well, first of all, he's not Michael Phelps. people who aren't Michael Phelps. Yeah, but well, first of all, he's not Michael Phelps. Yeah, he was... Michael Phelps, now I wanna ask you a question about Michael Phelps. Is it gonna be like a Lance Armstrong thing? We're in five years, we're gonna have to hate this guy. No.

Because he was doping and shooting himself with the alien fish blood. He's clean, and I know he was clean because he broke his first world record at 15 years old. No other summer's done that. That's him. No one's done that in a hundred years. because he broke his first world record at fifteen years old no other summers done that that's him no one's done that a hundred years and when you break a world record of fifteen you're going to keep breaking world records

and you can't be doping that much that young so he's he's just the guy he's just the guy and listen as of last week all of his world records have been broken his last really down leon march on broke his foreign which was his last remaining record so people will be faster i don't see another person being the best in the world Dominating at five different events simultaneously and being able to do it in one meet. Right. There's Leon Marshawn right now is a contender for three He just won three world world titles and he could maybe go for four

But I don't see how he could win five. Where is it? What where is he from? I'll be on his French. Yeah. Well, fuck training in a fiend. Yeah, fuck them. Yeah. I know I like my Phelps. Cause he's American. He flies that flag on his ass cheek. Yes, he does. That's why the Baltimore bullet. And we were the mother fuckers. Yeah. I love that's why I love the Olympics. Cause it's about America. It's all I love it.

So Ryan Lockty was right behind him. I remember him Ryan Ryan Ryan is like a regular dude. He was the one who got in a lot of trouble because he, they've vandalized. Working off of the thing like you. Yes. No, what was he doing? He in a couple of the dudes,

vandalized gas station in Rio. And then they said they were assaulted and the video footage came back. They were just like tearing down posters and kind of smashing stuff. Why are they doing that? They were really drunk. Dude, you gotta be careful. You can't be doing that shit in the middle. In back, they were just like tearing down posters and kind of smashing stuff. Why are they doing that? They were really drunk. Dude, you gotta be careful.

You can't be doing that shit in the room. In other countries, yeah. We'll get kidnapped in Reese. They'll, if they knew you were a wealthy little snobby swimmer, they would have snatched you up, bringing the favelas and sold you back to your parents. Yes, you know. High price, but they were,

they were big guys. They probably would have been hard to drug and cuff. No, I'm not the favelas. You ever see those motherfuckers? No, I assume they're all five foot four, but I could be wrong No, they're bad dude. That's Brazilian shit. Okay, that's present. They they created street fighting I guess yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't fuck around even little kids will kill you out there little kids are dangerous You see city of God. Yes, I have yeah, dude. Yes, I have. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, they kid kill kids. Yeah. Yeah, just support. Yeah, you want to do that. That's right. Rage against the creatine. Great name. Fucking great name. That's a good name. Big bang cock is a good name too. But rage against the creatine. What was the inspiration for cock block? Gargoyles. Yeah, what the fuck is that? You want to pull it up on the

Instagram? Yeah, I I started sculpting when I was like four or five years old my parents bought me clay and The real inspiration was that I My neighbor my best friend his parents would buy him every toy he wanted and my parents wouldn't They would say we're not just gonna Give you everything you want so I always was jealous of his toys. So I started sculpting To try to make my own versions of those characters at a clay and I would always have to compete with his toys So my goal was for my sculptures to be as good as his toys And that's what got me into sculpting and I kept it going I started again after college

So I've done it for like yeah 30 years 30 years now. And then started baking my own characters a couple of years ago. I got tired. Do you sell these? No, I actually even own my shelf. I give them away every now and then. Can I have one? Yeah, what do you want?

I want that one. Which one? The black one. Go down on the left. Zuzu, yeah. I like z- Have you ever made these into a book? I should.

Buddy, you should make this into a cartoon for kids. Characters? Yeah. And they start out with a kid making them because he doesn't have toys. And he creates this whole world with these guys come alive and they play with him. And they help him. I'm in.

I'm producing this. Create a backstory for one of the characters. I did write that. That's your first character. That's the write that, that's your first character. That's the first character. That's the first character and it's supposedly supposed to be Black Panther. You don't know how to make Black Panther

so you make this guy. Okay. And you call him that. Yeah, and he has what he does is he can stop electricity from being in a room. So he can go into a room and shut the TV off, the toaster off. That's right.

That's a good power. Yeah, it's a great power. And he always has to look a surprise because when he does it, he gets electrocuted. He always has electricity running in his body, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, who aren't? Huh?

He can just current, yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right, go down. Those are older ones. All right, see, all right. These are more, these are now covers. These are characters that exist already.

But is that one, click that one. I think you'd like that one a lot. Which one? Yeah, Penguin. So this one I need to sell. Is that some original design? Yeah, that guy, you know what he does? He drops a turd.

And it's smooth. It's not about a suit. Yeah, he drops a turd. He flips over and drops a turd that's like that. And you know what happens? He can clear a room. Yeah. But nobody knows this is him

because his turds are real small. OK. I mean, dude, you can do a lot with this. I want, I want, I want, I want, go back up, go back up. Go back up. I want that guy. Go scroll, scroll, scroll. I like that little, the little guy over there too.

Oh, that one? Yeah, you like him, don't I love that one. That's an original character. That was based on a, I think a video game controller. So the four colors are the colors of the buttons on like a, like a N64 controller. Yeah. And then the body was kind of just shaped like a, like a raptor,

kind of like a bit inspired by Yoshi in the Super Mario, like the live action movie. Yeah, because you didn't have toys. Because I didn't have toys. And that's why you tried to suck your own deck. That's... I mean, it all comes from a circle. There's no one else would do it for me,

so I had to do it for myself. You scroll up. So, yeah, I'm proud of these newer ones. I mean, you still do them? Oh, yeah. I've taken a little... I have two on my desk that need to finish. That's great.

Yeah, I really like these... These... The more recent ones I'm more fond of. I have two on my desk that need to finish. That's great. Yeah, I really like these, these, the more recent ones, I'm more fond of. I like that guy right there, the rabbit. That one's not my character. That is Christy Edgar's character. She's from Penn to Paper Studios. She designed a character in two dimensions that I created for her in three dimensions.

That's great. You like a little genius. You like a little almost genius guy, right? You do smart people shit, you're very creative. Thank you. I have a couple hobbies. I'm gonna tell you right now, as your new manager, as your new manager,

and we're gonna make $80,000 together. Dude, could you imagine if I get 10,000 subscribers, and you have to suck your own dick, you're doing it, right? Yeah. I can't wait for this to happen. The publicity. You're doing it, right? Yeah. I can't wait for this to happen. The publicity would be great. Even the money would be great, but then that would be. People would write articles about that.

Oh my god. I think Google the lot. Yeah. If one would fight my stand up. And then we'd sell these to children. What's the top? Oh, my favorite one of all of them is if you go down. Down.

Let me do the best. The yellow background. Right there. That's my favorite one. Who is it? It's an original character. If you scroll to the right, can you scroll within the pictures of it?

And then the last picture, last one. Stop it. It's a video. That was really hard to do to get the ring spinning inside the ring. And I really like that one because I think it doesn't look like anything else. My goal is for it to like, for you to look at it. Cause a lot of times people will look at something like, Oh, this reminds me of blank. I hate that. I want someone to look at it

and be like, I don't know what that is. You know, the super powers. He can hypnotize people. Oh, that's good. Right. If you're saying a lot of people say it looks like a butt plug. No. Well, that too. Yeah. You can try to fuck it. but if you can hypnotize people, do we make a children's book out of this? What would you come millionaires, dude? Listen to me between you sucking your own dick and our children's book, we're gonna be huge.

Very different audiences. No, we gotta expand, dude. We gotta expand. Yeah, internet self-fulat artists, slash children's book author. The money and mom's gonna give you when she kicks the bucket. Then we're all set. All right, listen. Yeah.

Your specials coming out when? November. You're shooting it when? October. And listen, put that up. We're gonna promote it to make sure you sell it out. Thank you. It's gonna be at the Pussycat.

No, the Villagina Ground. What do you mean? Villagina Ground. So sell it out. Thank you. It's going to be at the Pussycat. No, the village on the ground. What do you mean? Village on the ground. So keep checking out the comedy seller. Follow him on Instagram at Monday, Monday. Monday, Monday. Follow him on there. Make sure when he puts the tickets up for sales,

you buy him out. Buy him out. We need to get fans of him in the place. Not I don't want a bunch of Europeans that came to the city. Oh, let's go to Selah. Oh, it's a bus spot. I want people who like comedy and get it to go see him. Check out his clip on Rose Battle.

And, dude, I really thank you for coming on, man. Nice man, that's so fun. I really, man, I'm so glad you actually redeemed me. You did it. You know, I feel good with John right now. We're even because of you. We're going to make a lot of money. We're going to make a lot of money. See me live, Robert Kelly live.com. All my dates are up there. You know I'm torn.

Check out the bonfire. Serious XM. You got to come on the bonfire too. I love that. I love that. Serious XM satellite radio, me and Big J. Olcasin Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Crackle Crackle, and of course, check out Bonda Pick podcast with me and Paul Verzi. It's the hottest new podcast out there. Everybody's talking about it. Everybody loves it. And it's on Bonda Pick cast.

Go check that out and make sure you check out these guys. You guys ready? Yeah. Go. Max Marcus comedy on social media. Go. I'm opening for Bonnie McParlan, August 17th in Summerview, New Jersey.

Don't ever put another comic skigs on my show. You've brought your own. Go. YouTube, the cheese show. That's it. No, I'm telling you, I got the fucking fun. These guys are killing it. I brought these two with me to La Conna, they murdered it.

They work with me at the pussycat. Joe's killing it, check out his cheese show. I really, I'm telling you, these guys, we check out, follow them on all their social media and of course at Mike V. Suarez, wherever the fuck little moushy is and that's it. We'll see you guys next time on You Know What Dude Podcast.