Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me and Alonzo Bodden, AKA Brownie

Episode Date: July 15, 2011

Robert sits with Alonzo Bodden from 'Last Comic Standing' Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Glory Hall Radio Network GloryHor radio.com Hey, what's up? This is Robert Kelly and we're doing another... You know what, dude? Podcast, here in Ottawa I Got a special guest a friend of mine funny mother fucker Alonzo Bowden is Is doing it with me today I'm here opening Robert Kelly you're not opening with just for last we're co-headlining. No, I do I do the show for the full audience and then you do the show as they walk out to go to a bigger show

Sound garden Well, here's a deal where I mean you're doing as much time as me. Yeah, we do the same thing would be 20 minutes Yeah, no, we do so feel free to fucking do 20 No, we do feel free to fucking do 20 Okay, I have no problem with you fucking I got to do shutting your phase at 20. I got to do 30 35 and then send them off to the next concert It's yeah, it's it's a weird gig. This is just for laughs, but it's the blues fest and they come up here And they put a show up here just to represent a little bit and this show we're doing is a relationship theme show and It's me it's basically two headliners on the show and I don't know how I got usually you flip flop when that happens. Yeah, but they already made the tape. Yeah, they made some tape. The whole

show is based on the fact that somebody made an intro tape that says my name first. I'm sure there's another tape with your name fucking second. I don't give a shit though. You know, that shit used to actually freak me out back in the day, but now being in New York so long, having to go up after fucking Norton and Quinn and, you know, Chris Rock stops by and, you know, all the, all every single Wayne's brother. Right. Like, uh, showcase shows. You never know who you're gonna be following.

Yeah. Or you know, you know, this isn't a case of opening. It's just, it's actually funny because this is a spot where, you know, the guy who goes second, you get more shit than I do going first because when I go on, there's nothing else going on. So everybody's, yeah. Well, yeah, just to explain it to you guys

that the, the, the, there's a's nothing else going on. So everybody's there. Well, yeah, just to explain it to you guys, that there's a huge blues festival going on. So there's like five stages, two huge stages. So, and when you buy a ticket to this blues festival, you don't buy individual shows, you buy one ticket, get you into any show, any time, anywhere. So you can pop in and out of that show, go over and see the roots, go over and see somebody else, then you can go to the comedy show. So what happens is that our show starts at 730,

usually the main event show started eight. So we'll start the show right on time. You'll go on, do you have 30, 35. And now when you're bringing me up, that's when those main event shows us starting, like Sound Garden. Yeah, that's when the guy with the two hot daughters decided, oh, we gotta go see the roots. Well, last night wasn't as bad as the first night. The first night, I didn't know, I thought it was just defending people. I thought people were walking out offended,

and I came off, I was like, you know, I was expecting to get fucking a rash in a shit. And they were like, no, they just fucking leave and to go see Sound Garden started at eight. So they were just taken off. Which is still sucks. It's like, you're not, I'm not captivating enough to make you wait 15 minutes to see Sound Garden.

To stand in the back of a field and see Sound Garden. I mean, but the upside is, the upside is, after the show, you got to see Sound Garden Yes, right? And I got to see Bootsie Collins. So that's a good. Yeah, fuck is Bootsie is P funk man Parliament this goes back to the 70s to P funk all stars Bootsie was a I know I don't know because I was a fucking five Well there and I'm not black. Yeah, those two things were getting away. Yeah, of me knowing who Boots he is. Boots he was a hell of a party, no.

It was fun. Boots he put on a good show. I got to look him up now. Was he? So it's funk? Yeah, it's funk. So I tell you what, sound garden, Chris Conell was fucking amazing. Yeah, well that looked like, I mean, that was the big shot. That's probably the biggest shot this week.

He was fucking great. He was just, he's captivating. I would have left me. I would have left me 15 minutes early. I actually wouldn't have showed up to me. I would have just went to Sound Guard and got better seats. Well, we actually could have done that. We were talking about this yesterday. If we didn't show up to do the show, people would just assume it was canceled and keep on going. Like we wouldn't have gotten trouble. Nobody would have really noticed. Nobody cares. There was no comedy show that even Simon or Tor manager said, listen, you guys are just

filler. Yeah, we're gone. That's bad. When the Tor manager explains you look, you're just filler. You're something to do from 730 to 8 while we move people from one stage to another It's true, but you know, I you know that too is because they're all gone all the just for last people shut up The first day nobody here and they're gone and they replaced us with like old people Yeah, they would a local guy. Yeah, who?

Probably doesn't even know what comedy is he just kind of looked at us like okay These are the two guys I give the passes to. Right. And then I'm going to watch some. I'm going to make sure the fat one gets to have his cigarettes and the black one gets to go see booty or whatever funk band is playing. What, so let's just back up a little bit.

I mean, everybody knows who you are, but, you know, I know you from two different, I know you from back in the day. Yeah. And then I, you know, most people know you from last comic standing, right? Which, you know, is, is such a corporate show. It's an NBC network hit show, especially when you were on it, it was at its peak. And I remember, it's so funny because I remember you as such a not industry guy I remember going

You know, I was angry. I would go to Dublin's and Dublin's a few guys don't know. It's a you know, it's a bar on fucking I was bar on sunset and Jay Davis used to run a room there And it was probably the one of the hottest comedy rooms. Yeah, it definitely was in the country I would say and you'd go there any given night and it was it was sold out all the time But it was famous people in the crowd all the time. Yeah, and there was certain comics that worked there every Wednesday night Every Wednesday there was certain guys and you were one of them. Yeah, and cook was the other you were staples Yeah, you guys would close the show mainly you there were certain guys and you were one of them. Dane Cook was the other. You were staples.

You guys would close the show. Mainly you, or Dane, but mainly you. You'd go up after Dane. I remember going there and I was all fucked up. I was excited to know anybody. And I was from New York and I was Dane's friend and all that shit, but that get you so far. This was before Dane hit too.

This is before Dane was hit. It was while Dane was hitting and that was That was the weird thing because it almost seemed like Like one week you're like where you going this week, and I'm like I'm going to you know The Kansas City chuckle hut and dain's going to the improv and fort lauderdale or something and two weeks later Where you going? Oh, I'm going to the improv and Dallas dain's going to Madison Square Garden Yeah, it literally it literally seemed like that like holy what what just happened You know, but it was fun. It was it was but there the fun the crazy part about is you

You would go up after Dane and I remember it was just Pac-Crow rowdy fucking people L.A. Good-looking cock suckers industry and you go up after D and would flip the fuck out, climb the wall, jump on the furniture, fucking slap people's faces, literally in the crowd. You know, crazy, kill it, and you'd go up with that deep fucking voice, and you'd sit down. Sit down on the stool and just talk to them. Sometimes I'd have an idea what I was gonna talk about

other times I had no idea and I would just mind the crowd and look for an idea, something to talk about and make funny. But it was great for me personally, like we were saying, it's the most creative time in my career. Because it was literally, because I knew I'd be there every week.

So a lot of people came in and did their act but like I'm not going to do my act every week for the same audience that's ridiculous so it's always new shit and the thing with Dane was the other thing that was going on with Dane was all we had all the imitators right everybody wanted to be Dane like they knew he was on to something so So you had a bunch of guys. Still his essence? Yes, exactly. Exactly. And the last thing I'm going to try to do is out energy Dane cook. You know what I mean? Because like you said, I mean literally when he's climbing on furniture, jumping on tables and doing everything that he did, I'm not going to top that. So my my shit was it was in a completely different direction.

Let's sit down, let's talk, see where it goes. And I didn't have to, I didn't have to be bigger than Dane, like I was never under that pressure. Yeah, but this is the thing to pressure. That, that, that, that, fuck all that, fuck all that, analytical shit. What you used to do, that was amazing to me,

as especially coming from New York, and you know, there's no industry in New York. You do a show in New York, you can guarantee nothing's gonna happen. Okay, it's just about the standup. It's just about being funny and evolving as a comic in New York. But LA, especially at this show,

you never know who the fuck was in the crowd. I mean, I mean directors and J. Davis used to get some famous people in there. Yeah, and You used to fucking trash them You'd go up and take a hot one after day. You didn't give a shit. I didn't give a shit and you'd look right at a fucking movie producer And be like well fucking put me you fuck, put me in your movie. Yeah. The fuck you, you ain't doing shit for me. Listen, you know why? Cause a movie producer at Dublin's was there to get some pussy.

He was there to show some young chick his business card that he was a producer. And usually he wasn't a producer, right? That card came from kinkos. Yeah. You know, and but it, yeah, and but yeah, I never thought of being disqualified. I'll tell you the funniest thing though, my funniest experience with industry was the guy who wrote

this movie called Joanna Man, which was a movie about a guy playing in the WNBA, like this guy pretended to be a woman and playing the WNBA. Well, a guy who created wrote that movie, whatever, he was a Dublin, and I happened to be going off on a Clippers one week. I'm just cracking on a Clippers and all this shit. So, he wanted to use my stuff and maybe use me in this movie. It's when he was writing it.

So, he calls William Morris, who I was with at the time. And I had told my agents about this show, you know, we got this thing going on at Dublin. It's real hot blah, blah, blah. They never showed up. So, when they heard from this show, you know, we got this thing going on at Dublin, it's real hot blah blah blah, they never showed up. So when they heard from this director, writer, then the agents from William Morris all show up, but they don't understand the vibe. They think it's like being at the improv

or the laugh factory and at its industry night, that they're gonna get a table and be treated special and blah, you know, and it was like, no, man, it's a fucking bar, this is where we work out. So I cracked on William Morris, I blah, you know, and it was like, no, man, it's a fucking bar. This is where we work out. So I cracked on William Morris. I said, oh shit, my agent showed up. I must owe him money, you know,

and I made a joke about owe him $100, and I get a call from my manager the next day. She's like, there are two days that your name was on every desk at William Morris when they signed you in Montreal and this morning when they dropped you. Ah, you got fucking dushed. I got dropped making fun of them,

but I don't give a shit it was funny. That's fucking stupid. William Morris used to be the big mother on the floor. I didn't even hear their name anymore. You know, they're still there. It was like, you know how it is. You know, when you get, when you're new and you get approached by one of the big agencies,

you're like, oh, shit, I'm gonna be a star, this and that. And they use you for whatever they can get. And if they can develop you, they will. But they're not putting a lot of effort into it. They're like taking a shot. And if it doesn't stick, then you just become another picture on the shelf. Well, here, we know what else they do.

I actually signed with Gersh, my first month in New York City. I booked the first three things that they sent me out on. Yes, you were hot. Well, I booked a TV show for Lauren Michaels and Viacom, or whatever the fuck it was, as a host on this show. Like, almost like an MTV spin-off college network. I booked two movies, and it was on fire. I get a call from my agent. She's leaving the business to go be in a punk band.

This bitch had a corner office. She was in my corner. I have to go meet with the whole agency now to sit down with them, to see if somebody else wants to pick me up. We meet with them and I'm in there trying to sell myself to these people that fuck you. I should have said no. I actually in there and I actually use the word dramatically I go I want to do comedy's but I want to do dramatic stuff too and I heard my manager's He's went oh how do they not sign a man who wants to be dramatic? Fuck and dump me. We walk out of the meeting goes dramatic. It's not even a fucking word, right? So then they kept a guy who's this guy's never booked a thing still to this day

Haven't seen him on TV not one fucking thing guys have booked anything in fucking ten years They did not say dramatic. That's right fucking dramatic. Oh god damn it My thing was they got me when I when I did new faces in Montreal My thing was they got me when I when I did new faces in Montreal This was what 97 yeah, and I was the guy that year and this is when they still made deals in Montreal So I do my set and everybody's going crazy and I got the full court press from William Mars Like for the rest of the week there was always someone from William Mars nearby Like if I was at the bar and I wanted to drink William Mars was at a buy. If I was walking out of the hotel in the morning, go to breakfast, will you, Mars happen to be there, you know?

Wow. And so I came back to LA, I signed with them, they got me a deal. It was good money, too. I mean, it was great. You got a deal? I got a deal. With who? And with Greenblad General Ari. All right, so stop right now. So a lot of these people don't understand this,

that comics, not really now, but back in the day, there was a time, late 90s, early 2000s, where if you did one of these festivals, especially Montreal, all the industry would go. Everybody would go. And comics would get a deal. And when they say a deal, they would a a holding deal or a development deal holding deal means we want you for a year and Because we don't and we don't want you going anywhere else

We don't want you and the development deal means we're gonna try to develop a show around you and Usually it's a truckload of money a good chunk of change had to be in the six figures. Yeah. OK. And nothing happens. Exactly. Exactly how it played. I mean, it blew my mind.

Like, I did my set and my manager came up to me afterwards. Because at that time when they did new faces, the audience was downstairs and they had a balcony upstairs. And that's when the industry was. And he said, everybody was talking about you. He's like, you're about they had a balcony upstairs and that's what the industry was. And he said, everybody was talking about you. He's like, you're about to make a ton of fucking money. And he said, the key word is ton of fucking.

So I come back to LA and it's overwhelming, right? Because I've only been doing comedy like four years, I'm on new faces. So these people are coming at you. I'm from CBS, I'm from NBC, I'm from here, I'm from, I'm like fuck, I, you know. So I get the deal with Greenblatt, Janolary, and yeah, the money was good, and Titus had been the hot guy the year before. So Titus came up to me and said, look, this is going to be your learning deal. No, his was like three or four years before.

This was the year his actual TV show was coming out. Who I don't get by the way. And I've never fucking, this guy is a multi-millionaire probably. Yeah, he is. And he's had fucking deal after deal. He looks like Max Headroom. And I don't get, I don't, not that he's not funny,

or he's funny, I'm not saying I've never really seen his stand up But this guy is a multi-millionaire and I've never seen him. He's not a household name No, but he's but he works his ass off and he came up to me and he said look this is gonna be learning deal You're gonna learn how all of how Hollywood works and they're gonna let you keep the money He said then the next deal is when you're gonna come up with a TV show Right because when I got it I didn't know that I was supposed to come up with the idea for the TV show. That's how fucking naive I was

You know, I thought you think they have shelves and they just go up No, I figured it all black guy they put somebody who knows I don't know how to pull it out. Yeah, give this one. No, you talk while I talk. Go ahead Yeah, that's what I do. Well you're talking to my story. Yeah, give this one. No, you talk while I talk. Go ahead. Yeah, that's what I do. Well, you're fucking, you are just a rapper. I'm telling my fucking story. I'm trying to enhance your story, shit dick. This isn't fucking NPR.

This is Bob Kelly's podcast in a hotel room. So anyway, so I got the deal. I got the money. It no show came out of it. And a year later, they always said they're going to renew your deal. And when they didn't renew my deal, it went from I would walk into William Morris and it'd be an assistant waiting for me, you know, water, coffee, whatever, walk up to the office. They didn't renew that deal. I could go to William Morris. I might as well be

a guy who's never done comedy before. It's like, yeah, I have a seat in a lobby. We'll get to you. You know, it was just, you're nobody. You're not bringing in a check to the agency. You're absolutely nobody. So, what happens is you lose that you're impressed with the industry when you start. And then once you start working with it and dealing

with the people and seeing how it goes, you become less and less impressed with titles and who people are. And it becomes more about what they do. Well, first of all, let's just get this out. I've never had a deal. I've never, I've never done a, I've done all the festivals right when industry stopped going. I did ask in the second to last year it ended. I did Vegas You know, I've done them all Montreal, you know, I do it. I've done it a lot in the last few years Nothing there's no more deals handed out. I've never gotten a deal

I did a showcase once at the laugh factory and I got an agent Gardener something exactly and showcase once at the laugh factory and I got an agent gardener something exactly and so he's good what's an Amy reagent gardener some shit I don't even know again my agent my agent there actually I booked a pilot first month booked a pilot for Stu Seagal down in San Diego yeah yeah remember okay okay fucking he, he calls me the first day of shooting. Yeah, I'm leaving. He left, so he went to be a manager. So now I'm stuck with the other company.

And I fucking, they want to, I think I said, dramatically again, and they don't, they, but the, so you get this deal, but then you go and you're in this funk you get into this fuck the business man fuck the industry I'm doing what I'm doing and I don't care if you like me or not well yeah because it was about because it was about stand up and it was about creativity because the agency I mean you joke about you know tall black guy whatever but that that is how the agency how the industry works right the industry is everybody fits into a category right so so you're like you're the hot blonde or you're the quirky nerdy guy I'm glad you actually say what I

was you know no no I mean so so with me it was like okay you're the big black guy right but I'm not the you're the big black guy, right? But I'm not the stereotypical big black guy. I'm not I'm not angry. I'm not from the hood So they don't know what to do with me. They're like well, we don't know What fucking category to put this guy in because he looks like this, but he talks like that Right, so I couldn't get and I couldn't get shit. I couldn't get anything, you know It wasn't happening. So I was like look fuck it. I'm just gonna do what I do and and I was beyond I

Was beyond the new the new stage in other words it wasn't like I was a new face that somebody was gonna discover so You know and it was funny the other day when you said I was bitter because I don't think I was Better as much as I was just like fuck it. I'm gonna do what I do. I Can't be what they want me to be I when I say that though I think the part when a comic really becomes a comic When you really get this business is when you realize It doesn't matter right none of the shit matters. You stop caring. You stop caring. You don't give a fuck.

It's not like you're a dick. You don't treat people like shit. You don't fuck you or fuck the industry. You're angry or bitter and you hate people. Which that phase does happen. But when you phase out of that and you realize it doesn't matter. It's the work. It's what I do.

It's what I want to do. It's the little goals I set for myself, whether it's doing an hour on showtime, or being a working comedian on the road, or getting a TV deal, you know, getting a show on the air, you realize it doesn't matter. You don't have to give a fuck. This guy that you meet now, who's the top guy, will be out of the business in six months,

fucking in a punk band, you know what punk band. All that shit doesn't matter. So that was at the stage where I met you but it was phenomenal to me because to be honest in my head I'm saying here's this fucking dude he doesn't give a fuck and I admired that because I cared. I cared. When I went to Dublin's I cared and I didn't want to care and then see you go up and do this not give a fuck shit and You know I would go up and care and I look I killed But sometimes I had okay shows I never bombed at Dublin's, but so I walked off there feeling guilty sometimes like I Care and I wanted to make it like what the funny the funny thing about that was you're a New York comic and

New York comics really are like the most fearless the most as far as You'll go on stage and do whatever like LA comics want the TV show So the act is the audition right and New York comics and I the thing I love about comedy in New York You really don't give a shit what they talk about as long as it's funny. There's no set parameters. No, this is gonna offend people, or don't say this. And you had that New York edge and you didn't like LA.

That's what I remember, you just didn't like LA, you didn't like the scene. No. You just wanted to do comedy. You just like, where do we, your thing was kinda like, okay, where do we, your thing was kind of like, okay, where do you do stand up without the bullshit? And it didn't exist.

And it, no, it doesn't exist. And I like, you do. I got sick of introducing myself to the same person five times. You said, you'd have a conversation about being molested with this guy and bond with him. And then you see the next time you ignore you and then he'd look at you, do we,

do I know, yeah, you know me motherfucker. If I know you, you know me. That's my rule. Yeah. I don't, I forget everybody. I have a lousy memory. But that's why I wasn't impressed by the industry of Dublin's because what I've learned is

the people who are actually doing shit don't have time to hang out with Dublin. They're too busy doing shit. They don't fuck, to hang out a double it nope they're too busy doing shit they don't fuck you're absolutely right but the other thing that was was crazy for me was then cut to you know I went and did tour gasm and all of a sudden I look you know I look at you and you're on you're on fucking national TV. When you got, when I saw your audition

for last comic standing, I was like, oh boy, he's gonna fucking snap on these people. Cause I'm gonna be a dumbass. And I'm like, oh shit, he's gonna fucking say, and then you got picked. And then you made it again. And then you made it again. And I'm like, I'm like, oh my fucking,

this cock sucker is in the shell. This guy could, I'm like, oh my fucking this cocksucker is in the show. This guy could Alonzo my fucking win this thing. He's in the fuckage. I forget what you came in. Did you? Did you? I came in out of LA and what place did you came in? I was runner up on season two. It came down it. It came down to me, Heffron, and Galman. And you know, it's eliminated three two one. So Galman went first, then me, then I'll tell you the weirdest thing is being second on a reality show. In a way, it's the worst fucking thing because the three of us are standing on stage, right? So first they say, you know, third place Gary Galman, right? Everybody just fucking cheers and goes crazy and he

Thanks everybody and walks off and then it's like and the winner is oh, you know cuz they can't say second place Because they cuz you'll know who the winner is so they go third place then he announced a winner who's have run And then I'm just kind of fucking standing and J. Just James or just shake your hand like all right beat it come on And J. Just James or just shakes your hand like I'd beat it come on We got yeah I didn't think of that. Oh, it's fucking you don't even get a fucking goodbye. No, you don't get a goodbye You just kind of ease off into the scenery That fucking blows man. Oh, it was a fucking hilarious moment

so so so you get on the show and I moment. So you get on the show and I mean I couldn't fucking believe that well what it was I mean and a lot of it was material created at Dublin's but I always did stand up and Dublin's was like my free like like I said that was just a place like if you're a musician that's the jam session right you do the concert on the weekends and then you go to the jam session, right? You do the concert on the weekends, and then you go to the jam session. Like, you know, like those musicians in Vegas that got to play fucking 70s hits in the lounge

to make a living, but you know there's somewhere they go where they just play music. Yeah, like the seller is in New York, you know, during the week, you're fucking off and you're doing your shit, trying new jokes, and then on the weekends, or when you go away, you're doing your set. Right, so when I got on the weekends or when you go away, you're doing

your set. Right. So when I got on TV, I'm doing my set, and everybody who knew me from Dublin was like, I didn't know you could do that. You do that kind of comedy too, like today, but it was such a completely like you. They saw it as such a completely different thing than what I did. People didn't realize I could do it, but I knew how to work it. And the other thing was, I had been in a lot of comedy contests.

I did, I did like star search. I did a thing called the next big star that was on cable. I won that. And when you do contests, you learn how to break up your act into literally into one minute chunks. So when they say, you know, this like your initial audition was like 90 seconds. But I knew how to get, you know, five jokes in 90 seconds. You know what I mean? And then when you do the four minute thing,

I knew how to do four minutes. Because all it is is doing highlight reels of your act. Just putting the best jokes together in a short period of time. And I was lucky that I had done that enough that when I got on the big stage, I knew how to do it. Now, did they have writers? Did they help you at all? No, I always thought that. Well, some comics had people help them and it was weird because it never even occurred

to me to do that. Really? You know, but some comics were like, yeah, so-and-so help me write this so-and-so help me with that So as you get further in the competition, there was help for certain guys like to you know look Because you can't yeah, it wasn't a practice and all that shit. Yeah, in other words, it would be like if I wanted to Run some jokes by you and another friend. I could do that. I mean the show never This show never provided. There wasn't anything official, but some people had friends help them, you know, other than one,

but I did it also when we had to live together when we were like isolated for three weeks. What was the worst part of being on that show? Uh, fighting the producers. What do you mean fighting the producers? The producers wanted it to be a reality show where we'd argue and fight and this and that. Like Kathleen put it best when she's, we got into an argument with her and she said, look, this show isn't fuck fight or walk. You know what I mean? This isn't the real world. We're comics.

We want to do comedy. Hi. But they wanted fights and arguments and shit like that. So they would literally manipulate the truth and do shit to try to make you fight. And it worked with some people. Some people love that drama. Obviously, Ant loves that kind of drama.

And, um, Ant, oh, Ant the comic. Ant the comic, yeah. Now he's got his hair now. Yeah, yeah, and,, and I love Hollywood. You can literally go from being bald to having a beautiful hair and nobody says anything. No way mentions a word. Nobody mentions a fucking word.

I give you an example, and this was the funniest example because we're friends and we respect each other, me and Kathleen Madigan, right? Love her. They come up to me and they say, do you think you can win the show, right? And I'm like, of course, I think I, you know, like, why would I be here if I didn't think I could win?

Yeah, I think I could win. And then they literally go to Kathleen and say, you know, Alonso just said he's a much better comic than you. They said that. Yeah. Yeah, they, what she said. She laughed because she knew it too, you know what I mean She knew how they how they're gonna twist up

But it's like you know you're really not gonna get a fight going between me and Kathleen Madigan, right? Well He looks like she would but you know not like that but that so that was the toughest part of the show dealing with them trying to stir up shit. Right. And the most nerve-wracking part of the show is waiting to perform. Because you don't get to see whoever you're performing against. That's actually better.

It's better, but what happens is you come on stages they're going off. So all you hear is their final applause. Right. You know, you like, oh, shitty kill, they love him. Now you get paid to be on that show, like a weekly stipend or a sag bullshit. Right.

But do you get paid for being a runner up? No. You get nothing. You get nothing. But you know who got screwed on that? Heffron did for winning season two. Why? Because when he won, it paid 50,000 bucks but they deducted the money they paid you week to week oh my god yeah so we would get not on what it was it was

like a grand or twelve hundred whatever you know a minimum was for a week. So they deducted the six weeks pay From his 50,000 What counts and that show made million millions It was the most it was the most profitable show on NBC for the simple fact when you have 10 comics You know what you have you have ten performers and ten writers for no money you have, you have 10 performers and 10 writers for no money. Oh my God. Comics write all their own materials. So they, there was only one writer on staff

who helped Jay Moore, who helped the host write jokes. He's the only writer that they had to pay. And Jay was a producer too. Yeah, Jay was producer and creator. They now, and now him and Galman got into it on the show, right? Yeah, him and Galman got into it. That was on season three.

That was the season I won, the best at a best. Oh, the season three was... Season three was when I won. You won best of the best. Yeah, what they did was they had the 10 comics from season one go up against the 10 comics from season two. And Rich Ralsh was on that, right? Ross was on that and Mardel was on that. And Ralphie Mae, you know, they

brought back all the guys from the first season, brought us in from the second season. And it was kind of a, they said it was a team thing, but it was more like a round robin. But the, the team that had the winner each week got a bonus. So the fact that we beat them like four out of five weeks, like the winner would be from our team. That was more bonus money. So it actually paid pretty good. But yeah, Jay Morris, the fuck with all of us.

Jay, to me, Jay was like, he's in the fraternity and we're pledges. Well, he is a veteran comic, and it's from New York and New York comics, but we bus balls. Right. So so it would always be but the thing with Jay was if you gave it back to him He'd back off, you know, it was literally like the bully thing, you know, like I'm gonna fuck with you If you fuck with me, then we're cool, but if not, I'm gonna keep doing it So he kept fucking with Gary kept fucking with Gary. And they were friends, but there were times when you could see it would get on Gary's nerves.

Right, yeah. So this one particular time, Jay was fucking around, he was making fun of Dane, and Gary and Dane are good friends. So that's pissing Gary off. And then it was like one of those, I don't know if he bumped into him or he bumped into Todd who bumped in him It's just you know one of those things where there was physical contact and and it was and it's the funny thing about Gary Goman is for anybody listening who's never met him Gary's a big guy

Six six six he's all mussely works out all the time Like what 8% body fat of some shit like that. But people don't think about that because his personality is nice. Nice sky ever. Yeah. But when you make him mad like he grabbed Jay and what happened was he slammed Jay into this set wall, which is a fake wall, right? So the whole wall moved when he hit it and everybody, oh shit, like Gary just threw Jay through a wall and it was like,

it wasn't that big, yeah, it wasn't that big a deal, but it sounded like that big a deal. Right. But it was actually funny whenever you see a man lift another man off the ground, it's fucking funny. Yeah, me and Gary have gotten into the couple of times. We've been on the road, we've fought a couple, never got physical. I love my dad to one of my closest friends, but we've gotten into it a couple of times. We've been on the road, we've fought a couple, never got physical.

I love him to death, one of my closest friends. And but we've gotten into it a couple of times and the whole time you're thinking, okay, I gotta take a knee out, I gotta take an eyeball. I'm gonna have to go the extra mile with this. He's a big guy, he's a big guy. I'm gonna have to bite it and nose off. I'm gonna have to let him know that I'm willing to do something

really bad to get out of this. That wasn't the worst experience in the show though. The worst experience was in season two when Ant and Cory got into it on the bus. We used to have to ride this, they thought it was funny. We rode a short school bus around, place to place. And Ant and Cory got into this big fight. And basically it was Black versus Gay, you know, and NBC, like they shut down production.

Which is still going on today, by the way. Yeah, we're still, you know, Tracy. They shut down production. They brought in the sensitivity counselors. They brought in investigators to see if anyone thought that Corey was actually a physical threat to Ant or anybody else. It was a whole fucking thing. There were lawyers, we had to sign documents.

And again, you're dealing with 10 comics, right? So, I mean, and me and Gary are friends. So the minute you start with the black versus gay thing, me and Gary started talking about, you know, well, we don't hate the gays as much as the blacks hate the Jews. And then me and Gary get into it, you know, I mean, we're just fucking with each other. But you got a straight lace lawyer from NBC

who's freaking out because me and Gary are saying everything that you legally can never say. Right? And the lawyers like, I don't know, get somebody in here you know it was fucking hilarious to us you know yeah comics the most dysfunctional assholes on the right exact the black sheep of the fucking industry well tell them tell them your nickname that you when we first met oh god and this I knew you for what today okay here you go dang

cook when he first before he popped this is is he, he actually, you know, people say that, you know, how did Dane become famous? Well, one thing Dane did do is before he was famous, he would, um, he would, he would create his own shit. He'd write shit and spend his own money and film stuff. Um, and, you know, he was popular by that. He put a lot of content out for his fans. And Patrice actually had the best saying. He said, Dean Cook's the first guy to ever win an Oscar for nothing.

He was big without people knowing who he was. He had, you know, thousands of fans. But one of the things he wrote was, eight guys. There was a short film. And he hired all of us, not hired, asked us to all do it for free and It was about eight guys that live in a studio apartment and they have to

Leave one by one they agree that look the there's only room for one person and they come up with a stupid way to do it if you haven't seen it It's on the internet. It's it's it's whatever. It's a little wacky. It's stupid, but It's on the internet. It's it's it's whatever. It's a little wacky. It's a bit but Well me and you had to improv right we had to improv we had to smash each other a little bit I got to go back and forth and You said something to me and then what I said to you I cut I don't know what I called you Puerto Rican or something I put a rig in and you said shut up brownie I was like do you just call me brownie? Yeah and you said shut up, Brownie. I was like, did you just call me Brownie?

Yeah, like, they kept it. I think they kept it in the movie, but that, your response was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even mad. I was like, wait a minute, I've heard, I think I've heard pretty much every black insult. This is new, Brownie.

Yeah, that was the creative way of saying the N word without getting punched in the face. It was fucking hilarious. Brownie. It's all because I was just looking at you and you're huge and you're brown. And I'm fat. So I just put those two together. It was a good brownie.

Yeah, that was actually, if you haven't seen that, go check that out. That stupid movie that we're in. But then you so you do this last comic standing, you go back for the second year, you win it. And, you know, dude, you're fucking, you're rocking a roll, and man. Yeah, it was, that was great, the aftermath. It was literally like you said, it was like rock stars. I mean, we went on tour, me, Gary, and Jay London went on tour, and we sold out like 19 shows in a row. And the only reason we didn't hit 20 because they added a second show the day we got to town. Like there wasn't enough time to sell

the tickets for that. And you know, it's you ride that wave and it's great and you just want to figure out how to keep it going. And that's what happens in this business. So after six months of touring together, we each went our own separate ways. And then they brought me back as a judge on last comic, which kept me on TV for another year, which was great, another summer. And then you start grinding on your own.

So say. How was that judging? I mean, the one thing that when they brought the comics in the judge. Yeah, I Kind of you know look the show to me. I don't believe in competitions. I don't believe you can say Once comics better than the other because I believe comedy's personal I believe what this guy or this group of people think is funny You might not think it's funny. You might think this guy or this group of people think is funny, you might not think it's funny. You might think this guy's funny.

So it's, how can you say that these two people, these three people can judge? America can judge better because, you know, your fans get to call in if you have them. But, excuse me, it's my wife calling. God damn it. Even when she's not here, you wanna do the podcast of my house, she's yapping.

So I'm in a different country, she still fucking gets on the podcast somehow. But, and then when they brought the comics in, it was a little weird to me because, how are these guys gonna judge? Some of them, your friends. Oh, it was weird. See, here's the thing, there is no absolute judge.

You know, in other words, on any given day, somebody's gonna be funnier than somebody else. It and a lot of times it just comes down to what material you chose to do But as a judge, I'll tell you what this is what the way it kind of went down. This is the broad broad Strokes of it You had 10% of the people that were absolute train wrecks These were people who had never done comedy who thought they could walk in and do a show.

And we had anything from overweight porn stars to the office clown to a guy shows up in big red shoes and can't juggle. I mean, it was literally straight in. It was a pretty straight in. Right. And then 80% of the people were comics who I'd say have been doing it from two to five or six years.

Right. They were good, but they were interchangeable. None of them stood out. They were funny. A ton of them did the same topics. They usual stuff. Travel. You know, I'm from the hood. I'm poor, I'm fat, I'm this, I'm

that, whatever. You just described my whole act ahead. You know, but it was, you know, they're just serviceable, they're just working comics, right? So that's, so that's 90% of the people. Yeah. Then you had 5% of the people that were fucking superstars just came out not just socks off easy to pick Then the toughest 5% were the guys and the women who were good the great comics you may know them You may not know them, but how do you pick one over the other those that was always the toughest those last few spots Because it could have been any one of them You know what I mean? And you you had to figure out why would you pick this guy instead of that guy? Whatever. So that so that part of the judging was hard.

Did you have to not pick somebody that you liked and knew? Uh, yeah, there were times when I didn't get the picks. It like there were three of us, right? There's me and Kathleen and then Peter Angle, the exact producer. He had a heavy weight vote. And then NBC really didn't have a big, like NBC didn't have a lot vested in it. You know, they could make a decision,

but they didn't really care. Like that was the misimpression that a lot of people have if misimpression now I'm making up words. The, what is the worst? You know, the mistaken impression. Now do misions is fine. All right, people listen to this podcast. We know.

Except there's one guy, just let me just shout this out to the guy, because he wrote me a big email. He's a physicist or some fucking mathematician. You know, not everybody that listens to your podcast is stupid. All right, I have, I did, there's one guy who's intelligent. He's doing math problems right now listening to this. So shout out to you, but everybody else knows what you meant. Yeah, so they think NBC rigs the show and NBC could give a shit who wins the show they've never done anything with a winner of the show

They've never like gone on and created a sitcom or are you host, you know Who wants to be a millionaire or some shit like like they don't care? Okay? Let me stop you. Let me stop you before you go any further. The first season, in the second season, when they had the two judges, the guys, I forget they're in it, Bob and Ross. Bob and Ross, who are the fucking great guys. Really cool guys.

For some reason they think I hated them, seriously, they, because I did it the first year, the second year, and I did it the first year or the second year and they, you know, I said, you know, I thought it was all bullshit, whatever. I didn't, you know, I was, you know, being a comic joking around but fucking kind of bashing, they think I hate them, but I don't. They're fucking good guys. But in reality, you know, it's a show. You have to, it's produced. If there's producers around, there's being producing being done. Right. And they had to pick certain people that fit the mold to a show. Like you said,

they had you in the house trying to cause controversy. Right. There was manipulation going on. Well, you can't just watch, you can't watch a legitimate show and just pick, hey, these are the funniest guys legitimately, but they're all the same people. Right well that's what I was gonna say so the manipulation was the the diversity thing for one thing like you're not gonna have all males you're not gonna have all white guys. That's why they said it's fixed because it's not the funniest people per say it's the funniest people also a cast. Yeah well yeah but you you know that going in because it is a TV show, but see, but here's the thing.

And a lot of the most comics didn't know. A lot of people, most comics stop. Most comics didn't know that, Alonzo. Most comics thought you go in and you're funny. And if you kill it, if you're funny, then you'll get picked. You know who knew it? The veterans. And that I said I said the thing about the two to six years because the guys who've been in the business like you. Okay, you've been in the business eight, ten, twelve, ten years. Let me just tell you really quick the story real quick. I'm

gonna tell you because Ben Bailey was around for years. Auditioned for last, they called him producers, Barry Cats. You got to come down and audition. He went in. He walked on stage. He said one thing and they said now and they said, thank you. Goodbye. I had to talk him into not going back into the club and fucking flipping tables. Yeah, he was so mad This has been Bailey from cash cat. Yeah, I know Ben two Emmys. I know Ben He was so fucking angry. They didn't even let him do his jokes They physically looked at him and said no they heard his voice said no He was gonna go back. He was outside. I'm gonna what the fuck you don't fucking they called me

I'm going the fuck I was like dude don't go back in there let it go it's just a show he was gonna go in and fucking get arrested so I can't obviously I can't say something about that because I I know Ben and there were times when shit like that happened right but but what I was gonna say was the thing about the show yeah we knew it was cast when me mean when we were going to the finals Okay, right or six of us going to the finals and me and Corey Hokeham were two or the six right the two black comics on the show We're like okay listen One of us is going to the finals

You know did not gonna be two brothers going to the finals on NBC one of us is going to the finals So whichever one we like whichever one of us goes on, we're okay with that. You know what I mean? Like, you know how the game works, right? But the other side of the coin was at the time. And even now, nobody else is putting comics in prime time. Exactly.

I mean, the worst rated episode of last comic standing is bigger than, you know, a tonight show or a comedy central special as far as sheer numbers of viewers. When we peaked on season two, when we got to the finals, we were getting 10 to 12 million viewers a week. Right. You just, you know, I mean, that's why you, you're not perfect, But but where else are you gonna get a shot as a stand-up comic? It did more for comedy let me tell you what that show did and people that pitch about it And I was one of them at the beginning. I pitched about it that show did more for stand-up comedy

It it resurge comedy again It gave another little mini comedy boom where people went to the clubs and started seeing live comedy again, it gave another little mini comedy boom where people went to the clubs and started seeing live comedy again and that's what we make our money. So it actually did do way more for comedy. Yeah, there was a lot of eagles, eagles that were crushed or heard or you know some things that people don't understand or whatever or the funniest, the funniest guys quote unquote didn't make it. But the guys that did make it were funny people. You know, the people that did make it were funny comics. But you gotta look back at that fan who won the first year.

Right. That's what people have problems with. Is they go, how the fuck? But you know how he won? Middle America. Middle America felt sorry for him. He was the underdog. You know, Ralphie,

boss, Mordell, they fucked with him the whole time. You know, obviously Ralphie's a better comic than that fan boss, a better comic than that fan. But yeah, but America loves an underdog. My dead grandfather is a better comic than that. But when America sees this Vietnamese kid doing the same jokes every week, and they're like, they're picking on him, he's trying so hard, blah, blah, blah. It was like, America decided that kid was going to win. Right, but I understand it, I get it. That's where the competition, it's like, ah, fuck. It's not perfect. If you weigh out what the last comics

And he did four comics, it didn't way more good For stand-up comedy in general than it did bad. Yeah. Yes, dad fan one Yeah, Paris and perfectionists were upset, but right and I had a better experience than most so so you know I'm definitely well it took you out of Dublin to put you in the fucking spotlight. Yeah, it moved me up. It moved me up the food chain. So I got no problem with them. It was a good run.

It was a great experience. I did a lot with the show. Even like when we were judges, they edited us out. And the final season, the judges were like, it was more like, you know, I don't know, dancing with the stars, where the judges were actually stars at a show and important to it right? You know when we did it 95% of what we said they edited it out Well, this is the thing that I went through I was on tour gasm. You're on that

We both had these hits these little things that popped us into the limelight and then the one thing You know we got a few more minutes left on the thing these little things that popped us into the limelight. And then the one thing, we've got a few more minutes left on the thing, but I want to get into a little bit as the after. The doubt, when you go up the roller coaster, people don't understand, especially the public, the average asshole, there's always a down.

Yeah, for me, I see it more like plateaus. Yeah. So you climb up and then you sort of flat line. Right. And it's funny how people treat you. Like even your money, it's like, you know, because they cut your money, right? Because you're not on TV every week.

So you're not packing a place like you did. And they're like, well, you know, the budget's kind of tight and this and I love when they say we don't have any money. It's like, oh no, you got money. You're just not giving it to me. Right. You know, you know, the budget's kind of tightness. And I love when they say we don't have any money. It's like, oh no, you got money. You're just not giving it to me. Right. You still have money. Yeah, it was the economy, you know, out of recession.

And but this year, I did my showtime special, which was great for me because that introduced a completely different comic than the guy on last comic standing. Right. Because the showtime special is a lot more political a lot more opinionated Topical where as last comic standing was Just being funny, you know, you know what I mean, so it was T. It was there's NBC fucking TV

Yeah, it was TV funny and this was more this is where I'm at and what I'm doing now So so hopefully this starts to climb to the next plateau, but the thing is, is that, you know, when you come down off of that, it's like, you know, you're up there, like you said, you have people bring you water and you're having all this stuff and the money and the shows and then all of a sudden you come back down and the next guy is up at the top, or the other people. And you're at that plateau and now all of a sudden, you're doing shows and this is why I stress to like fans, you know, the fans are what make you.

I love all the fans, I love everybody that comes to my show. I'll say hi to everybody, I'll take pictures, I'll do whatever you want, but if you you know the fans that are fans from a distance That don't come to the show. Oh, I couldn't it's like you guys the fans of the important people You know if you guys come to the shows and you fill that room and you bring people and you fucking that you know all you know That's what matters. Yeah, absolutely. So when you come down off of that,

it's like all those fans that you had that was showing up, all of a sudden, they kinda go away a little bit, because if you're not in that line line every week, it's out of sight out of mind type shit. And it's a little hard, it was a little hard for me to deal with. It was a little hard for me to deal with to be that successful, people, you know, being, you know, I started getting demanding a little bit.

And then when it went away, it was a little weird, it was a little humbling. It was good for me though, I'm glad I went through it. For me, to tough part is, I'm not a big self promotion guy. As you know, in this business, a lot of guys consider around all day tell you how great a comic they are, what they do, they market themselves, and so that.

Have a podcast. That's not my thing. So TV did that for me, and it brought the fans. That's what I loved about it. I didn't have to do that chase. Like I was joking, when you got 35 you got like 35,000 Twitter followers, I got like 2000. Well, I'll explain that to you too,

is that I'm lucky enough to be a part, to be one of the guys on a really fucking ONA. Yeah. I'm lucky enough to be around Norton and OPEN Anthony and be on that show a lot in the last, you know, five years. So those fans are fucking loyal, die hard. Amazing people. You know, this five percent of them suck and I hope they die because they don't like

me. They just love Jim and love fuck it with me. But not, you know, 95 percent of them are just fucking great fans that support you. So I'm lucky to have that. That radio show is done so much for me Yeah, but I mean anything like that that appeals direct to the fans and Great promotion those fucking doors. I did a million people. I did a arena tour that will help with your Twitter fucking But it but it's yeah the fans you love them. I love work and live and

And it's people are are like, wow, you're great. I think for me, the great thing is, especially like this is with club owners, and club owners will tell you they get a lot of TV acts in and they saw them do seven minutes on TV, and that's all they have. That's it. So the gratifying thing was when you go to a club

that you never been to before, and they're like, wow, you're really good. Like, they'd be almost apologetic, like, listen, I don't mean any disrespect, but you know, we've seen it before and we didn't know what to expect. Well, you can't fill the room. If you can fill the room, five shows, you'd get the money.

But here's the thing is, we're going in and okay, Thursday night's not full because I'm not on TV every week or whatever, but I'm fucking killing it. I never, when I walk out of a club, I always, that was one of the best shows we ever seen here. People that know me or don't know me, and we're fucking comics.

We're going in for an hour and we're killing it. You're getting a fucking show, which almost I think is like, you have to suck as a comic to become famous. You know, some of these guys just stay. Well, I got one buddy and he says, you know, he's like, man, he's audiences. They're so shocked because they haven't seen a real comedy show. Right.

Because what I say now, we have the one bit wonder. I mean, that's what you two created. You two created the one bit wonder in comedy, just like there was the one hit wonders on radio in the 70s and 80s. There's the one bit wonder now. People go to the whole 45 minute show to see that bit, that five minutes, and then they go home and they're happy. And then they come see us do it. And they're like, oh, shit, you were funny for the whole 45 minutes. Like we didn't know that is that what?

Yeah, I think people go, I laughed. I had some people go, I laughed the whole time. Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah, exactly. And I find people go I laughed though. I had some people go I laughed the whole time Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do exactly and they're like no Really this is another thing I want to touch on real quick is that I mean like I Talk a lot on my podcast all the time about sex and and deviant shit, you know, I'm a fucking Food addict alcoholic drug addict sex addict. I am a fucking mess with all the shit and I've used it in my whole life too, actually, help, that's what I deal with.

But you're not really a, you're not like a deviant. I never heard you, I never heard you talk about sex. I don't hear you, occasionally about a chick, whatever, nice, she's hot or whatever, but you're not this guy know, whatever nice nice, you know, she's hot or whatever, but you're not you're not this guy Who you know, I'll fucking I'd love to stick it in her asshole or I don't hear you talking about you I can't even imagine jerk off you know what it is. You know what it is. I did all that. I'm retired I mean I joke about it for one thing. I'm older than everybody thinks I just turned 49 really yeah

I turned 49 really yeah, I turned 49 What you fucking black? Oh crack mother fucker. I'm 10 months away from a arp All right, I'm 10 months from my arp car. I've been sober 23 years man. I did the the alcohol cocaine crack. Oh, I did all of that shit in the 80s. How good you build it, lookers? Yeah, in the 80s was when I did that shit, right? So when I gave it up in 88, when I got sober, and I've been sober since, I'm not like a reformer

like I'm running around saying, hey, Bobby, don't do this or so. I don't give a shit what people do. Go have fun, do what you want to do. I'm like, I did it. I had fun. You want to get loaded really I used to smoke crack you want to go smoke some crack No, I didn't think smoke crack. Yeah smoke crack for the last two years of my using you know I literally I live 20 bucks at a time chasing the hit really yeah, so so the fuck didn't we talk about this On the behind the scenes of last comics

standing with you done yeah I didn't know you will do this again we'll do this again you smoke fucking crack yeah that's where I bottomed in and that's how I got sober so you know so so the the whole thing of getting loaded party in whatever you want to call it right I've been there done that when. When it comes to the women, obviously, I love women. I've hooked up with girls. I went through the sex thing. I wouldn't say I went through it to the level of crazy,

but I've had my share of pussy. Let's put it that way. And like we were talking about, I'm at the point now, I could appreciate a real woman in a good relationship, which is obviously hard to find in doing this business. Because I travel all the time. But the idea of after show pussy, like I'm so old and tired now,

that if we don't have a deal going in that I know you're gonna leave, it's like really, I can't be bothered. If I got to pretend, this is gonna go. You have to listen to our hopes and dreams. Right, it's just, you know, something really, thanks. And it's literally been times where a conversation, and it sounds fucking sad as shit, but it's really true. Like hanging

out and talking to somebody can be better than fucking them when you're on a road run. You know what I mean? If it's somebody you can actually have in conversation with, you know what I'm saying. So, yeah, so it's not- That does sound lonely, you see. Oh, it's fucking sad. When was the last time you got pussy, dude? Last time I got pussy about a week and a half ago. Now, is it just a booty call or something, friend?

Yeah, it's, yeah, friend with benefit situation. Yeah. So you get a friend that you'll call up and she's cool with it. Yeah, she's cool with it. And, you know, just banging out. Yeah. Now, do you watch porn?

Do you fuck? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like porn. What you kind of, what kind of porn do you like? I'm a big tits and mils. Big tits and mils isn't that, isn't that together anyways? Yeah, yeah. Usually they never have milves with little bakeups.

No. Those, that's young. That's my, that's my wheelhouse though. I love the milf. Yeah. 35 to 45. Why do black or Spanish? What do you like?

Mix them up. Mix them up. Probably blacks and brunettes. Really? Premium. So if you could have a check, a girlfriend right now, you could be, what would it be? What would your perfect chick be my perfect chick would be 38 to 40 years old still hot still

hard body I don't really care what she does for a living outside of being a gold digger I don't need a gold digger I don't make enough money to be a gold digger. I don't need a gold digger. I don't make enough money to have a gold digger. Like, if I had enough, to have a gold digger, you got to be rich enough that her gold digger doesn't affect your lifestyle. Like, I'm at the point, if I had a gold digger, I'd have to cut back on my shit, which I'm not really up for.

You know what I mean? I could afford a nickel chaser. Yeah, there you go. There you go, a bronze, you know, somebody who's, somebody who likes silver. Yeah. I mean, that's why I got a wife. If she really likes silver, we could probably hang out. Yeah, my wife, I still make that bra go to work. I feel bad. I still make a go to that fucking salon. So, you know, it's really hot and I let this one go. But this is what's really fucking awesome is when she's smarter than you. Yeah. Like, I went

out with this chick. This chick went to Harvard when she was 16. She's like a genius, you know, and she was a lawyer. And it was like, that's fucking awesome. When you're when you're or somebody who's smarter than you, oh, fucking, I could date snookie and that would be the case. I mean, my wife's not a genius, but she knows where a colon goes. Yeah.

And she knows how to spell shit. So she's smarter than me. We always joke about it and bullshit about it, but the truth is like every guy you want, you want the girl that's out of your league, right? You want the one. No, I don't. No, I don't.

No, you're absolutely wrong. That, you know, look at man, in my, I always love a chick with a hot body and a goofy face. I want a chick with a fang tooth, a German chepper mole, one eye that's bigger than the other, because I know, if I look at your body and I know it's hot, I love that. When that chick is, I'll look at the party and see all the hot chicks and see the guys going for it. And then you'll see that one little straggler fucking doing a crossword puzzle. I'll go up to her and talk to her.

And then you get her in the room and you're like, her body is fucking crazy. You know, yeah, I bang the chick, she looked like David Letterman. But her fucking body was like, Jacelle. Yeah. So, no, I absolutely don't, I mean, I fucking hate hot chicks.

I don't like hot hot chicks. I like unconventionally good looking girls. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I don't know. And chicks. I like conventionally good looking girls. Yeah, yeah. And you know, I don't know. And it's living in LA. I live in an LA, you get so fucked up with what a hot chick is because like a few years ago, when we had that whole thing where women were complaining

about the artificial standard of beauty, right? The covers of magazines and shit like that. Those chicks live in LA. Like that's, you know, you go to my gym, the artificial standard of beauty is on the treadmill. Right. You know, and there's another one over on the bench press machine and it's like that's what we have.

So LA fucks you up and then you just like here in Ottawa, like these chicks are hot, but they're real people, you know what I mean? They're not. They're not. They're squares. Yeah, and in LA, you know, they do exist. The real ones do exist.

But so many of them are just like, I'm this hot, but they're so fucked up because that's what they're selling. Like, I have to be hotter than a girl next to me and she's two years younger than me and they're totally fucked up with it. But here's the thing, okay? Like, I mean, I guess it is because you're older and you're mature.

I've been sober too for a long time. From drugs and alcohol, I haven't been clean off of food and sex. I still have a problem with that and I envy people that don't have that problem. I envy people that can just shut down. So I obviously got issues, man, I'm 49, I've never been married.

So, you had this something up, you know what I mean? There's something. Yeah, there's this. You got, because you're a smart guy, highly intelligent. People don't know this, you're really highly intelligent with, you've had crazy jobs. You worked for, for Lockheed and aerospace companies did you your your your fucking motorcycles

you're in a motorcycles uh... you you like this you're almost like this fuck it you almost european very european your european black that's what i'm saying about you you're not american black

yeah you have been That's what I'm saying about you. I am. You're not American black. Belgian. Yeah, you're Belgian black. But we're not actually black. We're brown. Heads the brownie. Yes, Belgian chocolate beats the brownie. And we bring it for you, sir. But here's the thing is, since I've been here, I've jerked off twice. You got me beat by one.

OK, so I got you beat by one. But what I jerked off to, I've got you beat by 20. There's no way you jerked off to whatever I jerked off to. But like, I like you never talk about, you're not a dirty guy, you're not a crass guy, you're very, we've been walking and talking for days, hanging out for days. And the conversation is very analytical and psychological and funny and you know you're funny and stuff like that but it's never gone to that. A lot of times it usually goes, you know, fucking pussy or fucking.

We really, so I was just wondering that. I'm sitting there. But it's the same way with you, right? Because even though we've known each other for a long time, this is the first time we've really just hung out with you and me, right? So you being married and there I go cockblocking again. Oh, you caught block me the other night. But you didn't talk pussy. So I figured, okay, he's a married guy who's not looking at every chick that walks back.

Because I'm checking out, you know, there's bodies up here. And it's in that right. So but since we didn't talk about it, I'm thinking of myself. Because some, you know, some married guys have like shut down to outside pussy, right like they They don't talk about it. They don't notice it. They don't whatever. So I think we're both seeing pussy We're just not talking about it. I think there's look it There's nothing worse than a married guy who walked to me who walks around and go out of look at that fucking bitch I fuck her head Yeah, fucking you know even if you're gonna do that, if you're gonna fuck around

and your wife, that's fine. Go do your thing, but be subtle, man. Have some, because I don't want to every meet your wife and have to look at her and go, I just, you know, let me live the lie too. Don't make me, I don't want to be part of your shit. So yeah, I look, dude, I look at chicks, I check, chicks out, but that's one of the best parts about being married

and trying to deal with your sex addiction is that you can finally walk down the street and not want to fuck, who cares? You can just go and not look at every fucking piece of ass that that might be a chick that you could fuck and have some type of fantasy relationship with. And the thing about being a veteran is you look at that pussy

and you're like, man, what's that gonna cost me? Yeah. On the backside. You know, on the back, is this gonna be endless phone calls? Is this gonna be this Saturday the other? What you see? That's what I'm saying. So it's like, man, oh, that's pussy.

You got to pay for this shit. Well, that's what, I mean, I found out what a relationship is. It's compatibility. If you that's what I mean, I found out what a relationship is It's it's it's compatibility if you're gonna be if you be with something It's not about the more so the love or how much you love each other that's gonna go up and down Just like hot your career. Yeah, but compatibility and you're not compatible with everybody You can't spend more than three hours with most people It's hard to find it's hard find, especially when I'm not the naturally social life of the part. Like I'm so used to being alone and I'm so

comfortable with it. It's like the idea of okay if we're gonna be together if we're gonna be in each other's space you got to understand it sometimes that's gonna be very quiet. Or I'm just not gonna want to be there and like if I don't want to be there like you talk about the bikes, man my biggest right. Or I'm just not gonna wanna be there. And like if I don't wanna be there, like you talk about the bikes, man, my biggest escape is when I'm alone in my helmet or motorcycle. And you're not fucking fast bikes, you're not talking.

Yeah, I get to Coddies and you get into the canyons, you're 20 minutes out of LA and you're in a completely different world. And I'm good with that. Like I had this one girl and she got it. That whenever I got home from the road, I had to go for a ride. Like that was my decompress.

Like look, I gotta get on a bike, I gotta just fucking go for a ride and then come back and then I'm good and she got that. But she had a hard time with, and this, because this was like right after last comic. And I can't blame her. I mean, I was gone six days a week. And you know, and I can't blame, I mean, I was gone six days a week. And the seventh day I was fucking exhausted.

Well, I tell you this is that we live a close life to like professional wrestlers, you know, where they're on every week, they're somewhere else. And it's a sacrifice that whoever is in your life has to fucking be cool with that. Me and my wife, and the more you get into your career and the more you know The more you know time you put in and you you know you make your money you can actually say look I'm not where I'm I'm taking a month off. Well, we're going out. We're gonna spend time together

I'm learning more and more about that now and I'm doing it more. I had to do that I had to in the last year it started, this is where it started, I went away with my friends, my comic friends, me, Patrice, Norton, and all these guys, I went to Brazil, which was not good, but this was years ago, but we went away on vacation together for two weeks, and I was like, comics don't do this, we should do this, we should go and hang out and not do comedy,

and live life and be happy. And that's when I know, when I got my shit together with my wife, I was like, I'm gonna go and hang out and not do comedy and live life and be happy. And that's when I know when I got my shit together with my wife, I was like, I'm gonna go and hang out with my wife or go on vacation and do things with my chicken, take time off. I don't work Sundays. I don't usually don't work Mondays. Those are my times that they heal. That is so funny you mentioned that because I've gotten to that too where I'm conditioned

to those being nights off. Like once in a while I'll do a Sunday or a Monday show, like there was a really hot Monday night show in LA that Jamie Foxx was producing with the Fox hole and all of that. And people like, man, you need to come down and I'm like, man, I can't even get my mind around working on Monday night.

Right, yeah. Like Monday night, I'm not even, you know. Yeah. And the other thing is you talk about being happy. I think that's a tough thing. Like to decide you're gonna be happy at whatever level you are Yes, it's a tough one because it's always like well, what about this or I want that and you and you got to find that line like how do you like allow myself to enjoy where I'm at because I'm doing pretty good

You know, it's not like it's not like I'm struggling. I mean secure financially I got some toys the bikes and shit like that. I have a life to be enjoyed. Fuck yeah. You have to, and it sounds, your listeners are like listening. You fucking assholes, you're whining, you do jokes for a half hour a day or something. But it really is, it's a mental thing to decide to enjoy where you're at. Yeah.

But I've learned to do that in the last couple years, and it's all about the work too. I mean, you know, you got work to do, the job, we have to do it, we have to write, we have to try to become better. But also, we are, we're an auto, we're in a fucking fancy hotel, we're getting paid to tell jokes, we work for an hour and night, a 40 minutes a night, and we get to hang out and go get food and shoot the shit. It is an amazing job.

Oh, and I love it. Even at its worst, it's still great. So I'm never not grateful for that. And especially since I worked in a real world, it's funny. When you talk to people who work at especially on TVs and movie sets, I remember when I used to work on power ranges, I was a truck driver, a show, right? And I ended up doing voices, but it was fun. But you know, when you're on set, they feed you breakfast, they feed you lunch, there's always food, isn't it? And I'd hear people complain and one time I said, you

know, in the real world, you have to buy your meals. Yeah. You know, like these, these people have no comprehension at that. Like, you know, 99% of the people who go to work have to eat breakfast at home and then buy lunch somewhere. They don't have a caterer saying, what do you want? Like, you know what a huge fucking benefit just that is. Forget about everything else. Just the fact that I'm hungry, where's the food?

So check this out. We got your website isalanzolive.com. fact that I'm hungry, where's the food? So check this out. We got your website is AlonzoLive.com. You can check your website for that for all your tour dates. I think I believe you had to do Denver. You can be in Montreal. Indy next week and in Montreal.

Yep, and your Twitter is Alonzo Bowden. Adalonzo Bowdenton you want to check it out Again mine at Robert Kelly make sure you you know do all the crazy shit For this podcast spread the word about it Alonzo we do a little quick thing at the end about tech. I don't know you're into tech you like gadgets And I do a little quick thing one thing I'm gonna about, and then you can actually say something that you like. I talked about it on the other one. The, it's a new bag I got from B, B, P bags.

Unbelieble fucking travel bag. It's a hybrid backpack over the shoulder. Handheld fucking bag. A million pockets. This is the first weekend I've used it. Uh, in Ottawa, Going through security was a fucking breeze. I packed it with all my podcast shit, my MacBook 15 inch, my iPad, my iPad case, all my gadget wires, everything. And you know, it was heavier shit. I put it on the back pack,

but it hangs it on your ass, not on your back. It hangs it on your butt. It hangs down a little lower, so I'd even feel it. And going through security was the shit, because the computer slot is in the back. So you put your iPad in my computer right in the back, one zipper, waterproof bag. You can be out in the rain with it, you don't have to worry about your shit getting fucked up. Right through security, it was fucking amazing. So BBB bags.com, check those people out there fucking great. Well I'm an Apple junkie like you. We've been talking about it. My thing is the next generation iPhone because I'm still with a 3GS in a camera

sucks. But I hate carrying a separate digital camera. You know what I mean? Like you want a phone that can do everything. So I still have shitty iPhone pictures. Because I don't want about a four when the five is coming out in like three months or some shit like that. So I mean, I mean, you said you said what are some of the stats that are coming out on the iPhone? I suppose we have an eight megapixel camera. That's the one.

That's the thing I saw to them. Like, I can't wait. I'm all over it. Right. You know, so I'm in that tech limbo where you, you know, there's better shit, but it's like, I gotta wait. I gotta wait. I gotta wait.

So, which is Apple is fucking great at. Yeah, Apple. Well, you know, it's funny. Apple and Ducati, and they're both based in Cupertino, California. They're like literally down the street from each other. And they both work you the same way. It's like, yeah, this bike's nice,

but look at this shit we're coming out with next year. Next year we're adding traction control. And next year we're adding 10 more horsepower. And with a motorcycle, it's the same thing. Even though I can't ride last year's bike at the maximum, I want next year's bike. You know what I mean? And I did. I just bought a new Ducati this year. It's bike at the maximum. I want next year's bike. You know what I mean?

And I did. I just bought a new Ducati this year. It's called the Dival. So that's my latest tech toy is my new duck, which is fucking an amazing bike. I had a Vespa, I don't know if you know I was a fellow rider. So scooters are cool. I fucking love scooters.

I rent scooters when I go to the islands and I just buzz bomb around and the thing is I weigh a hundred pounds more than the scooter. Yeah, I wish I could say that. I do, it really, Alonzo, you've been a friend for a long time. I'm glad I got you on this, watching know, watching, you know, your career and all that shit happening and, you know, finding And the next one we'll do drugs into generates. Next time we'll get to talk about your fucking drug days. Yeah, we'll talk about the drug days and since then and all the shit that goes on there.

Because it's a great perspective because I didn't start doing comedy till after I was sober. Yeah. So it's me neither. Yeah, because, you know, if I knew then what I knew now, like if I had walked out of last comic standing directly in a rehab career would have took off. Alright brother. Go to AlonzoLive.com for all those tour dates, all those Twitter information, and make sure you spread the word about the podcast.

Thanks again for listening and we'll see you later. Thanks again for listening to another episode of You Know What Dude Podcast on GloryholeRadio.com and make sure to check out all the other shows on the Gloryhole Network. If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word FART when you register. ITUNE uses, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're a real fan of the show, and you want to show your support, go to GloryHoleRadio.com slash Robert Kelly and hit the DONATE button. $10 will get you a shout out on the air.

$20 will get you my first CD, Robert Kelly Live, not available in stores. If you have any questions, email me at Robert Kelly at gloryholeradio.com. ¿Qué quieres? ¿Qué quieres? Quiero que cierre los ojos un segundo. ¿Puedo abrirlo ya?

Sí. ¿Dónde estamos? Estamos en mi pueblo. ¿Y este es tu pueblo? Sí. Pero si es un poblecito precioso y tú decías que era muy feo. Bueno, ahora es bonito. ¿Y cuando dejo de ser un pueblo feo? Cuando pensé que podía ser bonito. Sí, hombre. ¿Qué tú piensas que tu pueblo puede ser bonito? ¿Y ocurre? Este viernes uno de diciembre Euro millones sorteó un superbote especial de 200 millones de euros. Euro millones. No hay nada más grande.

Lo querías de recuerda que juegas con responsabilidad y solo si eres mayor de edad. de 200 millones de euros. Euro millones. No hay nada más grande. Lo querías de recuerda que juegues con responsabilidad y solo si eres mayor de da.