Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me and Ari Shaffir: Part 1

Episode Date: July 18, 2011

Robert interviews Ari Shaffir. Part 1 of 2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Glory Hall Radio Network, gloryhawradio.com. This is part one of a two-part podcast with me and Ari Schaffer. I was really tired and he was stoned out of his fucking mind on breath strips and brownies, so he couldn't stop yapping to each other. So enjoy part one. Alright, what's happening? This is a fucking special episode. I would call it. Because I don't get to see you that often. Yeah, not really. We never hung out, ever. I see each other randomly. You were about to move to LA and then you sort of

didn't or did you for like a minute and then we're back I I did well aery Shafi how do you say it aery shafi airy shafi airy shafi air I say I fuck your name up Every time we spend since I was little this who else is the people get confused I said your name to somebody and they thought you are a obvious leave her man. No the black comic airy spears Harry spears somebody was I was talking about you with somebody today Alonzo and he's like yeah, he's cool, man He got no fire with a radio guy and I was like he did and then he was talking about airy spears

I got an invitation from comedy juice wants to go do their show right it said hey airies We'd love to have you down. We haven't had you in a while and I was like he's like I said pick a date in the next three weeks And I was like all right probably in two weeks. I'd be great, but I said pick a date in the next three weeks and I was like, all right, probably in two weeks that'd be great. But did you mean to write Aries Spires or R.A. Shapiro and like, oh fuck yeah, Aries Spires, we can get you in like three months. That's enough. That's like, you never gonna call back.

Eventually they have me. But it was like the doors aren't that open. I had a guy one time, my old phone number would sprint and then I switched over and They gave this fucking dude my number. Yeah, I didn't and you know when I get a new number I don't tell certain people I tell I clear house once a year that way you just don't have to ever It's just hopefully they don't have it. Well, it's like, you know what dude? I haven't fucking talked to you in a while You don't talk to me. I don't really need your number. I'm just cleaning house. I need to just kinda make my world a little smaller.

You know what I mean? I get that. And they gave this guy my number, but all these people, my friends or whatever, clubs and stuff would call this guy. And they wind up getting my number from somebody else going, dude, some fucking psycho has your number because they'd wake him up

Because I'm up at three in the morning, so they would call me. Yeah, they'd call this guy He wound up fucking he was a lunatic. Hey, you're getting the phone calls. So yeah, so New York comedy club called him for a spot To give me He took it He took it. They called him. It's like cool. Give it to it to him. No, they called him. He just pretended he was me. Yeah. He was like, okay, once the spot, he prepared for two weeks. He went up. I show up. There's some guy in a trench coat with like this fat girl and this black kid.

Like they're giving him pep talks. Why were you there? Because they? Because they? Because they actually called me. Again. They got my real number and called me, but never told me about this guy. You know, it was this weird thing where I showed up

and he's like, he looked at me like, oh shit, because I guess he's really good. He was like, fuck this guy, he ain't gonna ever hear it, I'm doing a spot. He comes up to me, goes, I wanna just let you know something. He was mad. He was like, I've been getting phone calls for you for the last year.

I had fucking all hours of the night. And I got this phone call to do this spot, okay? And I prepared five minutes. And I want to fucking do it. At least tell me you want to go up. I said fucking yeah, but the club wouldn't let him up. The fucking dumb club wouldn't let him up I've had him in great. I would have fucking loved it five minutes. You were just gonna off on it anyway

I have to worry there to Perfect plus New York comedy clubs a shit hole. Yeah fucking. I've done two gigs there in my life It just sucks the York comedy club. Which one is that that's the one on the east side and it's a it's a fucking shit Hold it. Yeah, it's a fight It's literally just a fucking I've done two shows there in my life and both times. It's like I'm never coming back here Really it's one of those yeah, I'm getting nothing out of this I'm just I'm just chewing time and losing confidence. Well, this is what the guy did to I was on stage one night and the Sound guy turned the sound down on me

That's how he tells you to get off if you go really a minute. He turned the sound down on me Oh such bullshit and he also while you were doing your act would go up and down on the sound I hate that let me decide my own How close I want to make I can hear it. Yeah, let me decide my own if it's too loud. Okay. It's been too loud I'll move it away. Yeah, don't decide for me and then I'm eating it. Yeah, we're not bon Jovi stupid. We're comics. Yeah, no, that'd be too loud if I want to.

Yeah, yeah, I want to be fucking loud. I know it'll hold the mic and but these sound guys feel like they have a job. Yeah, yeah, they fucking suck. I had a sound guy in the, uh, keeping it close that keeps turning further down. You keep bringing closer and further down. Yeah, and you went up screaming, you shit. Yeah.

And then you want to step on our own jokes. And you can't hear it. I had a guy, a sound guy, this guy was such a fucking dickhead. The way he got, if you went over on your time, the way he got you off stage, he turned the lights up on the stage. Lights up. Yeah, the stage lights. So it got so on the stage. Lights up.

Yeah, the stage lights. So it got so hot on stage that you start fucking sweating. He's making uncomfortable for you. Dude, I was up there. I was like, I'm fucking dying. I'm like, what's going on? Like I was like, what the fuck? And then the guy told me that that's what he does.

So the next show, he did it again. Yeah. And I was, I stopped the show. I was like, dude, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna come and, I'm gonna hit you with this mic stand. I'm gonna fucking really beat the shit out of you. Like from the stage and the crowd was like, what the fuck? But I was like, no idea.

Yeah, that little hole he's in, that little window they give him. I was like, I'm gonna come back there and fucking beat the fuck out of you. Turn the lights down and he turned them down, but then he slowly creeped them out again. Oh, I couldn't leave it alone. Dude, me and you have known each other. Fucking, I don't know, for years, I've seen you around. Yeah, we've talked.

Hey, what's up? We see each other at UFC events. Yeah, you've always been cool. Yeah, you do too, man. And, you know, we never talked. Hey, what's up? We see each other UFC events. Yeah, you've always been cool. Yeah, you do too, man, and You know, we never really gig together never did shit together never were in the same place at the same time for too long and You know, but now it's I fucking we're in the same fucking room So this is a weird podcast for me because dude I do podcasts with people I fucking you know like So this is a weird podcast for me because dude I do podcasts with people I fucking you know like

People I know well or whatever and so this is the first podcast where me and you are friendly and We're not friends. We're friendly. Yeah, but we're not like we hang out. Oh, we fucking you know If I called you to be like hey, I'm a jail and you somebody bail me out. You'd be like what the fuck? I bail you out. Yeah, but you'd be like what the fuck is this? Yeah, I'd fucking I'd text Rogan first. If Norton calls you like, I don't come down. I wouldn't it would not at all. You just leave it.

I fucking leave him. You can leave him. I would not do shit. I would how does he hang up? I'd be like hang on one second. Let me just hang up on him. Now of course I would. Now I bail you out of jail.

I'd love to hear that fucking story. Speaking of fucking you dude, there's one thing about you because I'm sure like I'd bail you out of jail. I'd love to hear that fucking story. Speaking of fucking you, dude, there's one thing about you because I've, I'm sure like I've seen you from afar. I know you, I, you know, I've seen you do stand up. I went to your show with you and Rogan. Oh yeah, Vegas and the fun. Yeah, and that was the first time I saw you do stand up, like legitimately, and you fucking killed it.

And the thing that would blew me away is that you look Did you look like you'd be an alternative? Witty douche Not there's anything wrong with that, but it looks like you would go. I thought you're gonna do something different Yeah, people make that assumption about me They see like a card again and those piclasses and they're like all right. I get it It was a one-liners with beer that doesn't connect fully. Yeah, the beer You know, yeah, you beard. It's, right. You know, you walk out, dude, and you do this fucking,

just fucking great, dirty, smart set of fucking cringe, humor, dude, that I was just like, this motherfucker's hilarious. And on a Rogan show, dude, I mean, what's his name was on it, too? Diaz? Diaz, who's fucking, just a killer. just a kill it also you had to come out after him Yeah, so you and I fucking killed it and then you came out and I was like oh shit

You fucking boom no problem dude grab the mic you walked out did you look like you were gonna give a speech at a college To freshman All right you guys this year. I like that look. I don't know if that's always work for me. It's fucking great. We moved into it, but yeah, that's not who I am on stage. Dude, you go off into some shit about you fucking and jerk it off and fucking, pulling,

sticking your dick in a little bit and you killed it. You fucking killed it. And then Brogan came out, what if it was a fucking great show? That was a really, me and Norton actually watched that show, and I very, really watched comedy. But that was fucking great. Yeah, I won't do it very much. Once in a long while, I'll go down

to Irvine or something, I'm like, let me catch a headliner. Yeah, I'll do it a long time. Yeah, because I don't wanna fucking, you can, I don't wanna hear anything that I'm thinking of. Oh, right, right. I don't wanna fucking, you know.

So I live home with Bill Burr sometimes, where I'm like, I see him for like six months and every time I see him like fucking two weeks behind him, like you already had that bit, I was just start putting it together. God damn it. Billy's a mother fucker. Billy's a mother fucker, man.

I came up with Billy in Boston. And yeah, he, when he was in Boston, I remember the first thing I said to him, he had a beard, a red beard. He was going to Emerson, he wore like a, he looked like fucking Stallone and Rambo. He was one of those army jackets all the time. And I was like, you know, I was at my prime.

I was like, you know, what's up, dude? You gay? I was just a huge gay. Because you had red hair. Who's just being nice to me? You know what I mean? You couldn't think of another reason why someone would be polite to you. Yeah, from Boston, Irish Catholic from Boston.

What's your problem? You want to fuck my ass? Yeah. Is that why you're just holding a door and saying after you? Like, thanks. He was just a nice guy. I was like, what, you're fagging my second dick and, uh, and, uh, we actually want to become a friends, but when he moved to New York, that clock sucker booked a go pilot, Karsey Warner, with Molly Ringwall. I remember that his first month in New York I used to bring him up like that like two years ago. I'd be like from town. He's everyone Please look at my music. What the fuck are you doing as he passes? I love saying weirdo shit for introductions From townies. That's funny. That's the name of the fucking heart. I remember it

I remember watching him like it's good not remembering him at all But remember Molly Ringwall in a sitcom and like whoa Dude he fought I was like holy shit. He was gone. We were all like wow He's launched and then he wound up back in New York Business hey, what's this between my legs? Yeah, but he didn't care. He's right back on stage Okay, he went and became a great con I remember him when he came back to because we actually had an apartment together He went he went to New York before me and he had this place in New York. He booked a sitcom. He had this place shithole shithole. Did they shoot townies in New York? No, they shot it in LA. So he had to

go to LA. He had this place in New York like thrown in 25 alls a month up in Spanish Harlem. Nice. That was a shithole. Cockroaches and fucking craziness. The projects are right behind us. I was a shit all cock, cock roaches and fucking craziness. The projects were right behind us. I was like, dude, I'll pay most of the rent. So, and when you come home, I'll just jump on the couch. So you can always have a place in New York and he was like, fucking, hey. So we were roommates. When he came back, we were roommates for a little while. And he just, he just, I'm fucked this.

I remember sitting on his computer. And now he's accused of watching TV. He was almost annoying. He would just start talking about shit'm fucked this I remember sitting on his computer and and now he's accused of watching TV It was almost annoying. He would just start talking about shit and this and that but the fun. I was like dude You can't the rants to himself. Yeah, right what you rent to you. Yeah, you know what I mean? But I'm like can't just watch fucking TV shut up and enjoy it. Just enjoy stupidness But in my head if I actually had a fucking brain back then I'm like I get it this cock suckers really But in my head, if I actually had a fucking brain back then, I'd be like, I get it. This cock suckers really trying to, and he comes up with material. Constantly.

It's time. Fuck it's annoying. He's got my story teller, Sherlock, a few times. And it's always like, everyone I talk to, the guy who does web stuff, I'm like, is this material? I've never heard it before. And it's fucking great stuff. Yeah, he found it.

Great story on subject of something. Yeah, he's fucking great, man. He really is a fucking great comic. He's a redhead, too. What are the odds of that? Being well-. I would have already come up. Famous red head. Um, the guy with the puppet or the puppet himself. Right. That's what I can't really remember. Famous male red head. No, not really. Not performer wise. But, um, anyways, we, uh, what was the fuck was I talking about? I was

getting to your comedy. You did that you did that fucking show and uh but then I was actually seeing something on the internet about the the the racist. Amazing racist. Yeah. Amazing racist. Yeah. Dude I watch this thing I just never saw those saw those before my Google tonight just because I want to get your website and shit I was trying to get your info. Yeah, and that came up and dude. Is that real? No No, so the black people of actors that homeless guys real the homeless guys real what about the people the gas station? I'll fake the guy started throwing me around at the end Media and don Richardson okay good. Yeah, we just wanted to make it look real I don't like that. I don't like in pranks when like we got you. I don't like showing that shit right

Yeah, you know, that's a motherfucker because I thought it was those that was some real reactions The gas station guy and the fucking laundry mad dude. I was like this fucking kid is out of his it was done really well It's out of his tree, but the fact is they look at it's like dude. He's he's not a clearly not you clearly a Jewish dude in a hood You know what I mean, but these guys I mean those guys were fucking good because I thought you were just they already acted really fucking well We cut a few people out, but everybody was like just really on not overboard. You know You don't hear but some people would try to like be angry You just come at it. These guys had like handheld cameras They're like here's what we're doing. They wouldn't I wouldn't tell them what I was gonna say so I just think of something

Did you do it the white neighborhood hopefully? No, it was sort of there was parts the gas agent black neighborhood I'm a repeal pulling by and I'm like you better get the fuck out of here really yeah this guy this guy an amtrak I some Mexican guy we're doing this thing where it's crossing train tracks. Yeah, just filming me going to the bad Tartar town right this guy an amtrak is Mexican screeches through a halt in the middle and just And just jumps out I was not in my neighborhood just runs out me. I'm like no joke joke joke joke. I'm a two just jumps out. I go, no, in my neighborhood just runs out me. I'm like, no, no, joke, joke, joke, I'm a joke. It's cameras.

It's grabbing me against the chain link fence. Yeah, dude, that's fucking, dude, if you haven't seen this, anybody listen to this, the amazing racist, it's fucking hilarious because you come in, the funniest part about it is when they wanna attack you, what the reaction you have to them, you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, just no, no, no, no.

Settle down, settle down, you go, settle down, settle down, and it works. the reaction you have to um you're like whoa whoa whoa just no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no's why they react to so well because I wouldn't tell them what I was gonna say right and then they'd be like every time Like I'll say something rude about me and his mr. Joe like what? Jesus are calm couture kids are gonna say whatever it was. How do you how did you come up with this? They national ampune's sponsored this thing for the they had this Video they were doing of like failed reality show pitches. Right. And they called the comrades door. They were looking for somebody to do this amazing racist thing. Right.

And I think they were going to get Jeff Ross to do it. But then he just did it in the last minute. So they called the store like who looks Jewish. Right. So Duncan was like, are you know, so I talked to him. But I was like, but they were going to do this like a light real light silly thing. Right. But it was like, let's fucking go for it. Let's do something super racist. Oh, so you got overboard. Yeah, that's great

I mean brainstorm for like a couple months and then we shot those things. It's fuck it's fucking hilarious Thanks. It's really fuck it's funny and it not for a second did I think it was fake at the beginning When you I was like all right, this has got to be set up But then all of a sudden when you started going was like, all right, this has got to be set up. But then all of a sudden when you started going into the places, we did it really well. I was like, this cocksucker, this motherfucker is out of his tree. I was like, this fucking lunatic is out of his tree. I got so much fucking heat for that. Yeah, it's, it's so much abuse. But that's, that's the, yeah. This is this is what fucking you know all that shit with Tracy Morgan and yeah, and Joe Koi

It's like that's comedy. It's just that you your shit was you thought you you worked it out to make sure it was funny Tracy was trying to work some shit out But I'm the way it's shit. I love and people put comments like this isn't funny at all Like well, then how do you explain just the last guy you commented like L.O.L Right, it's clearly it's somewhat funny if someone's laughing. If you don't think a Jew in a fucking hood, going into a black gas station and asking for gas from black people, but not even acknowledging the hood,

just gonna get some gas, man. I was just out of gas. I'm an inept fucking clansman. I need to light this cross on fire. So I'm begging black out of gas. I'm an inept fucking clansman. I need to light this cross on fire. So I'm begging black people for gas. If you don't think that's funny, you are a fucking douchebag. You really are just a fucking asshole.

It's like they take it so seriously. Like this is, oh, you're doing this all the time? Like fuck you. What are you doing? It's like, imagine if it was a joke. A lot of people like, don't you realize you're a Jew? And it's like, yes. That's part of it. You sort of have to look like this to make it ridiculous enough to

be in a clan outfit. Yeah, it can't have me do it. Yeah. Because it's going to be like, oh, that's fucking real. The fact that you're, oh, my God, I'm yelling and I'm messing out of go back to Africa. It's like there's something like I sort of know that that's not what you're supposed to say. That's sort of the joke. Right. Yeah. That's funny. That's like when Morgan Murphy, you know Morgan, she did that video of Carlos Minceo. Oh, yeah. Of her memorizing stuff really slowly. She memorized all his jokes. Yeah. And then they presented as Carlos stole her act too. But in her act, she's like, so am Mexican. You know, being Mexican people, his fans actually comment, I meant the comments, and if you read them,

what were they? I don't give a shit if he stole it, he does it better than you. Like, completely missing the point. Like, clearly didn't, but you're still, what? It's a seven foot red headed woman saying she's Mexican, and doing his jokes. So extra slow too.

Just fucking grueling Morgan Murphy fucking tone and they'd still didn't get it they were and they still back them up too which was holy else I love that I don't care if it's still I saw another thing you did too you do all these cool videos and I love one comics I think it's hard to actually do videos that are funny yeah it's yeah it's you look I've done so much stupid shit I've tried to do over the years, or you do, but whatever that just comes across. It's funny at the moment. And then five years later, you look back on it, like, oh, please, somebody take this off.

But you've done a bunch of fun shit. You get your good at sketches, and then you see like a shippel show thing, and you're like, oh, I don't really know what I'm doing. I can't write a sketch. Okay, or I think I can. I've never written one. Yeah. But you've I think I can. I've never written one. Yeah, but you've done some funny shit.

I mean, you did this thing that was so awkward and so uncomfortable. I think I don't know how old it is, but I saw it a few weeks ago, where you confronted a joke thief. Yeah, that wasn't me. That was the guy, Eric Huber. I was just there that night.

Oh, really? Yeah, this other guy did it. I was just there. Because then he asked me about it. it yeah you guys are like the uh... fuck yeah i know i get a lot of the i get a lot of weird stuff like that will echo already it's gonna but i'm like i don't do anything well you really rarely say anybody's doing anything wrong yeah but you i was like i it's almost like this the comedy store is the comedy police of

the country the comedy stores it yeah it, it's a bitchy place. We're, you know, guys, you know, and Rogan was the, you know, started in with the, with Dane and fucking Carlos and confronting Carlos on video, those videos were I could use to do and, which was amazing. The video was amazing.

I remember when that came out, that was like every comedian saw that. Yeah, it was fucking, it was, it was kind of shocking that somebody would just get on, and this was the best part about it, is that Carlos was trying to go to him into being angry. Or violent or something.

Violent, bitch, and all this shit. And Rogan, I always say you wanna know a tough guy? A tough guy doesn't hit you. Yeah. A guy that can actually kill you, or really beat the shit out of you, it takes so much to actually get him to do it. To make them do that. They're not trying to prove anything.

Yeah. So, guys who aren't tough screaming y'all and call you a bitch. Yeah, Rogan really stayed on point. He's like, fine, whatever. I'm a bitch. OK, you stole this joke. I stole that joke. You stole this one.

Yeah, yeah. Nobody else could have fucking did that. Let's get in love with me. Whatever, man, fine. I'm in bitch, okay, you stole this joke, you stole that joke, you stole this one. Yeah, yeah, nobody else could have fucking did that. Yeah, let's get in love with me. Whatever man, following, I'm in love with you. Why do you do this? Right, why do you do this? Yeah. It was fucking ridiculous to see somebody do that.

Yeah. But this is the thing that bugged me about it. There's a certain comics that I guess didn't stick up for themselves. What do you mean? I don't know, like, you know, Bobby Lee got some flack. Yeah. There's a certain comics that I guess didn't stick up for themselves. What do you mean? I don't know. Like, you know, Bobby Lee got some flack. Yeah.

And I felt bad for him because Bobby Lee is not Rogan. Bobby Lee, you know, doesn't have to. He doesn't like joining a line. He just doesn't want to do it. He does these people. Yeah, he just, he's down the middle. And that's who he is though. That's not like he's being that way.

He's just, that's who he is. Yeah, Bobby not like he's being that way. He's the, that's who he is. Yeah, Bobby got caught in the middle that I guess men see him going and like record some videos saying whatever. That was stupid too. Yeah. I mean, that was dumb too. I just felt bad for guys like that

who kind of got caught in the middle. Who aren't as fucking, don't have enough character. Yeah, people are made to like choose a side or something. But then it's like, they didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, what's a problem? They just know the guy who has that you must have gotten some shit for Dane. Oh, I do that. I get it all the time. I get I still get questions about Dane Not as much anymore especially because he's you know, he talked to Louis. He was on Rogan's podcast. Yeah, they actually squashed that shit And Dane wasn't really a joke thief

squash that shit. And Dane wasn't really a joke thief. Dane was pretty much like a premise thief. Yeah. It wasn't a joke, a word for word. Localo's did was word for word. Yeah. We just take the whole thing. Yeah. His, you know, his was word for word. I used to hear with Dane all the time, all the accusations like it constantly. And then it was like stop, I just stopped hearing it. So I assume it just sort of stopped Yeah, I mean I think that I think the you know I I would hear shit all the time and I felt bad for him because I knew what he was going through personally His mom died his dad died his brother stole all his fucking money

Everybody's calling him a piece of shit the whole comedy community hates them the guys that you want to respect you don't and It's literally you a whole world. It's two worlds It's the best thing ever that ever could happen to you and the worst thing that could ever happen to you Seriously if you could say I'm at the top of my game selling out arenas making millions of dollars here is fucking hated him So let's say what's the worst thing that could happen to you, Dane? My both my parents dying and my brother stealing all my money and everybody hating me I mean the worst of the worst thing that could happen to you, Dan? My both my parents dying and my brother stealing all my money. And everybody hating me. I mean, the worst of the worst, which sucked.

And I used to, you know, I'd be like, look, fucking talk to date, because I talked to him. I was like, did you steal the fucking joke? And he was like, dude, I didn't steal anything. I didn't take anything. And, what am I gonna say? It's a friend of mine, okay? All right, then fucking fucking and even with Rogan

I'd be like just call Rogan call Joe Joe's not a fucking guy that you can't call up and go hey Can I talk to you? He's not a you know, you know people that would never do that never bridge the gap between themselves They just talk shit about each other behind their backs. Well, cuz you're afraid. Yeah, you're afraid I mean you're afraid to go up and say hey what you're afraid of the outcome You have that fantasy response in your head that he's just gonna go fuck you, you're fucking. And call you out in video tape, you'll make you look like more of an asshole,

you outrolling the dice that it may blow up in your face. And that whole Hollywood publicity thing, just let it die, let it whole Hollywood thing. People just don't wanna deal with it, just let it go away. Yeah, I don't agree with that. It's like, you just go up to the guy and go, what the fuck's your problem? But what's up?

I heard Maws after that. Maws your body was like, all right, just sometimes you just gotta let it go. You know, and I was like, no. Right. But I get it now. It's like, yeah, you don't wanna get involved. I get not getting involved.

Yeah, with those guys. Yeah. Look, if I got accused of being a fucking joke thief, I would fight for my life. I would go to fucking Rogan's house, go on video, go on stage. Tell me right now, say to my face, what you think I did. I'd go, I would go to fucking Rogan's house, go on video, go on stage. Tell me right now, say to my face, what you think I did. I'd go to the guy who you said I stole it from.

You know, there's a certain thing where it's like, dude, if you came to me, oh, dude, this guy's got a bit like that. I'd go to the guy and be like, as comics dude, dude, I got a bit and when did you write it and I had, okay, dude, I'll drop it. You just drop it. It's out. Yeah, Brennan did that to me.

He was like, that's got something similar. Can you just not do that before I go on? Well, look at him, that's cool. I just rewrote it so it wasn't the same. Yeah, we look at this, there's five things to talk about. So you know, it's fucking relationship, sex, race. Exactly, most of it is the same shit. Yeah, I mean.

Any business about a club or something about dating, it's like, when somebody's like, oh, that's, it was so-and-so, it was better. It's like when somebody's like, oh, that's so-and-so is better. It's like, it's everybody's. They want the same experiences. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just you're a little twist. It's your, that's why I try to write shit

that happens to me. You know, if it happens to me, I'm all excited about it because I know that there's a good chance that it didn't happen to you this way. You might not to the same experience But not exactly this way, but you you you did this video back on point This funny too because the certain guys I do podcasts with it just goes all over the place You know, I mean we just fight about all that and the certain guys were just like fucking boom bang boom bang

And this is gonna be one of those podcasts where we go from subject to the fucking next a little high to I took an edible Oh, you did an I took an edible. Oh, you did? An edible? It's an edible. Like a brownie. You ate a brownie? Oh, with weed in it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you get it here? Did you fly it? I brought it with me. So you just bring brownies with you and they can't tell what it is. Usually I don't bring brownies, but Big J. Overson is coming and he has said that he doesn't think he can get high on edibles

So I sort of sort of felt like like challenge, I guess To be like let me say for sure if you can't get high on edibles. So I got the strongest one. I know in LA And you brought it in yeah, I took half of one I ended up taking two I brought one for him and then I took one today before she's Miller So but so but you bring it brown how the the dogs or, or something, how they gonna find out if it's a fucking... They're not. So it's in the butter between that and breast strips. The breast strips are the easiest to take.

What is it? A breast strip? Yeah. They have wheat and breast strips. Yeah, just like a pack of two, like breast strips in each one, the proper dose is like a half of one. No shit. Okay, so you take a breath strip.

And how much, like what is this equivalent to joint wise? When you do edibles, it lasts a lot longer. It gets you somewhere like a lot. So like if I smoke, I'll get high for an hour, hour and a half, two hours. If I do one of those, it could be like six, seven hours. Really? A nice long haul, yeah. Dude, I quit. I've been sober 25 years. Really? Yeah, I

haven't touched a drink or a drug since I was 15. No pot at all. No, dude. I used to smoke. I last time I smoked pot was when you had to buy, you had to smoke like, you know, join after joining to get it was just the weed. It was literally, took the weed out of the ground, hung it upside down, and fucking them. I think that's what I just got from this dude. Yeah, it was just weed. And we used to smoke, you know, like, you know, a pound of weed.

We fucking, you have to buy it like a bag of it and just smoke it all. Does it keep going into like, I think I'm getting there? Yeah, it was, I mean, it was all right. I used to get fucking basted out of my tree. I used to get so high, I would hallucinate. Yeah, you get too high, it happens. Are you starting to see and shit from the side of your? I remember one time I was so high,

I was going down the street with my arms out, pretending I was a biplane. I was just gonna boo. And then I kept seeing my shoes. As I walked, it was like a comic strip cartoon. The old ones were they, you know, the strip where you hold a book and you're, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I would just keep going, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, the door in the dark, complete darkness, and just smoke, we join, have to join,

have to join, bowl, and bowl. And we literally fall out of this fuck. In Massachusetts? Yeah, in Massachusetts. Fall out, stone. Fall the fuck out. I used to get so basted. I remember I tried to sell weed.

I tried to be a drug addict. Really? Such a mistake. Such a risk for a little bit of profit It's just like I was a criminal back then so you didn't care stealing and fucking robbing anyways But I couldn't do it because we wound up smoking We wound up smoking the whole bag. We just wound up cheating Chong and the bag So we had to tell some we had the bed sheets the big the big bed sheets They were big papers. Yeah, they were the large papers. They called them bed sheets. they were big papers. They were the large papers they called them bed sheets.

It was so big. And we just want to make a huge paper. And then we rolled the whole bag into two joints. We took it down the park and smoked it with everyone. And then we got pizza and we were in the pizza place laughing. Every time the waitress would come over, we just start laughing, like hysterically. And then she'd leave and then she'd come over come over we just start laughing like hysterically And then she leave and then she come over again. We just start laughing for like an hour and a half We didn't know her fucking pizza

And yeah, dude, I was the best times. Oh my mom used to smoke weed. I remember coming really? Yeah, I come into the kitchen. She had a big bag of weed and she would just roll joints Hold your mom. Holds mom now. She's 50 something. She was a young mom. Wow. Yeah, but she didn't smuggle with me She this was sucks about my mom When I was coming up I was a fucking punk. I did drink. I drank a lot. I was a violent drinker You know, it was a fucking asshole when I drank weed. I was the fucking best That's the one thing I miss is weed So one thing I I know a lot of alcoholic,

I'm not saying you should do this, but I know a lot of alcohol instead of swayed just on that one thing. Oh really? Yeah, I could never do it, but that's the one thing, the one drug that I, you know, my wife smokes weed now and again,

she has joints in the house, up on the fridge. Do you ever have that moment where you're touching it and holding it and deciding? No, because I know my personality with food and sex, which is what hit me after I quit in my 20s and shit, is I know that it just go how fucked up I get with that. If I smoked weed, I'd be back on booze.

Immediately. I'd be back on booze, right? I definitely do some heavier drugs. But you know, I mean weed was always that one where I was like, man, just a fucking sit in front of a TV with some fucking chips. Watch family guy. It whatever.

Car tunes, like old bugs, bunny cartoons, and just get stoned and smoke the fuck up. And just your eyes shut just a little bit. It's great. It's great. Get me hard over here. That's amazing. Do you get high all the time?

All the time. I'm an every day, multiple times a day guy. I don't know how I became like that, but I was straight edge through high school. I had beer at one party, like one one beer once What do you go to college? Yeah, huh universe in Maryland. I started at UCV University. I went there for a year What do you go there for? I was with the dogs then I went to Israel for a couple years after high school. Are you shit me? No studying in Yeshua and then

Jerusalem for like two years then I came back and went to the UCV University because it was like split curriculum Yeah, that was in that was in Spanish Harlem, 185th and Amsterdam. Like Stern College, that downtown, that's the boys is up there. So, so you had, did you have the curls? I had them for a little while, yeah, Israel. Yeah. They weren't mega curls. They were like mini curls. You could like whip it around your ear once it's was. Did you work at B&H Photo? No, that's not all the hostage work. They run the photo industry. That's the best place I've reviewed. The B&H Photo with those fucking acidic juice.

Really? It's the best. What is B&H stand for? I have no idea. I think it's Bizzarata Shem. Is it really? It's the thing you're supposed to write Bizzarata Shem. A lot of them are right at the top right corner of like if you're writing a note or something.

Right. It's like with the grace of God and with the help of God. So it would be a H. Okay. So I bet it's something like that. Oh no, shit. Yeah. Cause I have the English version of it.

They have a H. That's so fucking crazy dude that you. I bet it's a. So you were in Israel. You were going to be what were you going to be? It was just like seminary. It wasn't like. So you were in Israel, you were gonna be, what were you gonna be? It was just like seminary. It wasn't like to necessarily be a rabbi, but this would be what you would do

if you were gonna become a rabbi. Were you gonna become a rabbi? It was just like study your religion, just, you know, it's like everybody at BYU does two of those seminary, but they don't become ministers. Right. They just know about their religion.

Right. They become good Christians. So it's becoming a good Jew. And how did you get from there? Yeah To here the generate again It's so fucking crazy man. It's way different. It's like you with this fucking really nice probably I mean correct me for a March. Yeah, you were a man. Yeah, good kid growing up family I think pride in my mom's friends going, you know

I saw already and he was really really a gentleman really I'd take pride and shit like that no shit Yeah, and then weird it what happened? I realized one day this might one year at ishiva university I I was thinking about it and I started having a thought that maybe I don't believe in God. It started creeping in my head. And I was like, I might not. I started having to really examine it. Like, what if I don't? And I just looked inside me and it just wasn't there.

And I remember this one time, I was in Yashiva and that we, you can't turn it off on enough lights on the Sabbath. So it was like Friday night, so I left this like bed lamp that was on. And I figured I would take this cup, put it over the bed lamp, you could just put it on top and it really dim it, that'd be enough. But it wasn't staying on, it kept sliding off. And I kept thinking I should just go turn it off, I should just turn the fucking light off

so I can go to sleep. But then I was like, no, maybe something that could become by the window and they'll see it. I don't know, I shouldn't do that. But then I was like, I thought about that a year later, or two years later, and I was like, if I had real faith in God that didn't want to, I shouldn't do that. But then I was like, I thought about that a year later, or two years later, and I was like, if I had real faith in God that didn't want me to turn on off the light, there'd be no question of like,

maybe I'll just do it, no one will see. You know, it'll be like, yeah, you'll see your God. You don't want me doing this, it's a mistake. Right. Yeah, I just don't think I believe in it. And then you, that fucking that little moment. Yeah, and I started thinking, I was like, and I just don't think I believe in it and then and then you that fucking that little moment Yeah, and I started thinking I was like and I started asking my friends about it They were like talking to me. They were looking through the tour down right now. Go get the tour on the tour down

And I was like I'm not gonna do that. I'll get in trouble if I do that Like that's ridiculous. I'm like in like disgrace your religion forever because of that Yeah, I could figure it out though is cock on the cross just to... Yeah, exactly. Through my point. That's why I love when I eat hot, I like spicy food. Right. Whenever I put some Tabasco sauce on stuff, like this idiot, douchebag comment, like, jick the whole thing then.

Dude, love it so much. Jick the whole thing. That's the fact. I gotta wanna do that idiot. I like a little spice in my food. I'm not trying to prove anything to you. That's funny. I wanted to be like. So, so what

when did you when did you like say fuck it? I switched to Maryland. I had to tell my parents. I don't really lie while you anymore. And I was like, I don't want to think that Maryland maybe lose my religion. So I had to tell them. I'd never sit down and I told them and then my dad was like, he was pretty pissed. My dad was a super religious one. Really? Yeah. He was like, you don't believe in God.

He even dogs believe in God. Are you lower than a dog? To dogs believe in God. I don't know, I guess. I didn't see his math on that. I didn't really. I was like, how do you know that? I think I've improved dog show emotion.

You talked to dogs. Yeah. He was like, I think he thought they had an innate sense of God or something. Like, there's nothing, there's no example that would give me that a dog will leave you God. He seemed to say good. I've never seen a dog run into traffic and then stop, you know, and then I should do this.

I just dumb fucking animals that live and die. And if it wasn't for us, making them slaves. They would have died off. They would have nothing. They'd just be extinct. How could it dog? How could it jack Russell Terrier, Finford himself, in the wild? God.

God. They're believing God, they kept him going. That's fucking crazy. So sex wasn't even a thing for you. I was a virgin until it was 23 get the fuck away from me. Yeah 23. Yeah Wow, first I was just like nerdy or religious didn't know how to really get any no porn. I Mean a magazine here or there a magazine By then just a little bit here and there you Yeah, it kind of grossed me out.

The vagina was like, I was like, whoa. What is that? Pussy, see, this is the thing. You know, I was the same way I do. And I remember telling people, like, oh, pussy. It's like, dude, you're a fag. You're a fag, dude, you got to eat the pussy. Fuck, pussy is fucking just, just, just,

just like, disgusting looking. It's sort of changed lately on me. If I get like a young woman, like a 22 year old, which is tight, I just get sort of turned off by it now, but it used to be just like gross completely. Look, I look I'll eat pussy. I got on a pussy. I love eating pussy.

I'll eat if I look to stink off. I'll do whatever I gotta do. But if some girls like, I don't like that. You're like fine, cool. We're not doing it then. I have no problem fucking not eating your pussy. I gotta do. But if some girls like, I don't like that. You like fine, cool. We're not doing it then. I have no problem fucking nodding your pussy. I like it. This is one I, this is this site can tell

how fucking gross pussy is. Yeah. And this is, this happened this year. My wife were going to a wedding and she put spanks on. And spanks. What do spanks? Spanks are their tites. Yeah.

But they suck in, they're made out of special material. It's sucking your ass and belly. It's sucking everything. It's like a girdle, but made out of this fucking crazy material. Okay. And a lot of women wear them to weddings to fit into whatever dress or whatever. But they're so tight, you can't take them off at the wedding to go take a piss. Because they kind of go up high and so they sliced out a hole for your pussy.

So it's just, she's sitting on the bed in these banks and I walked in and it's just black and then her pussy and I almost threw up. It was like the pussy isolated is fucking disgusting. You know what I mean? You need the rest, you need the legs, you need the legs. Yeah, all alone. It's really gross and horrifying. It's really bad. I can imagine that all black.

So it looks like it brings us a green screen. It's the floating vagina. Yeah, I actually do joke around about it. I'm like, it looked like something the guy from bizarre food should take a bite out of it. It's fucking like the skin colors, the lips, the skin, it's a different colors. And then the lip, the inside,

the lip, the lip. The inside, the deep inside, it's a different color, the semi outside. It looks like a fairway, the way the different colors go. Yeah, it looks like. It's a fringe and the rough and the fairway. A fat girl's armpit.

Just, you know, it's just... Yeah, just by itself it's fucking disgusting. But I mean, I love pussy, but... I lose boners going down on girls. Really? Yeah. I do too, I lose a lot of thought. Once in a while I can keep it, I'm gonna make you come now. Yeah, just to make sure we got this on a control. Yeah, so that you are fucking willing to suck my dick and you're gonna be able to do it. Yeah, I'm gonna make you come now.

Yeah, just to make sure we got this on a control. Yeah, so that you are fucking willing to suck my dick and you're gonna be able to do it. Yeah, I'm gonna make you come now. Yeah, just to make sure we got this on a control. Yeah, so that you are we got this on a control. Yeah, so that you are fucking willing to suck my dick and take my low, need my ass and do whatever you have to do.

And I'm gonna pump you a few times and I'm not gonna fuck you fuck you because I can't do that either because I'll fucking come quick. If I use a rubber, I can't come at all. Yeah. So this is gonna be some weird fucking suck, lick, suck, lick, fuck, lick, suck, fuck, and then I come on your face.

I have to jerk myself off. There's that weird moment when you know you're not gonna get into that heart and you're like suck it, but let me unroll the con, but you keep sucking, don't stop sucking and I'm gonna unroll this and just get ready and like turn over, get on, put it in your,

quickly, quickly. Yeah, because if you have to walk across the room, I'm gonna... It's done, it's over. It's done, I'm not getting it on. You're gonna have to go back and suck underneath my balls again for 10 minutes. Yeah, that's funny.

I've had chicks, I've fucked chicks that were so hot that I've come, I came like so quick. Yeah. I had these guys. That's a little embarrassing too. Oh, it's fucking awful. And there's something about women's pussies. They think it's magical that this girl actually tried

to put my soft dick in her pussy. Like, I'll get you. You're like, can't do that. Biologically, it's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. Don't feel bad. Yeah, there's just fucking, you're trying to mush a fucking water balloon, a little limp water balloon

in your pussy. And she lied there for 10 minutes trying to, it's water balloon, a little limp water balloon in your pussy And she's she lied there for 10 minutes trying to like sitting on my cock trying to push my dick and going you like that And I'm going I got you came after I felt bad because she was getting stuff inside there Well, she was smoking hot. Yeah, she was a little drunk and I put it in I tried to do that slow fuck Yeah, like you know, he said fuck me. I'm like, you know deserve it. You know fucking deserve it Yeah, it fuck me like you don't deserve it you know fucking deserve it yeah it's not that she didn't deserve it you just had no chance at a lot of full fuck if I if I quick fuck there yeah yeah like I can pull out like 10% here and then it's gonna go back in if we go more than that it's

coming all the way up yeah yeah push that fucking those that first you don't worry about getting like let like left over junk inside there What like load? Yeah, what like getting our pregnant. Yeah I've been a I've been a I've been a fuck up. I mean, I've been married for three years now So I you know, I've been good, but when I was a fact that when I was a piece of shit. Yeah You actually did a joke about it in your act about when you put it in. Yeah. And you can't, it's like, I just can do it almost time.

Oh yeah. It's just a little bit longer. It just went a little longer. It feels so good. It does stop now. It's that when you break, when you put it in, and it's like, it's almost like dry. It hurts. Yeah, yeah. It's going in, and it's dry. And then you, and it hurts. That is going in and it's dry.

And then you and all of a sudden there's a little wetness. Yeah, that a little more. And then you break the seal and you push your cock in and the tip of your cock is just warm and the sides of your dick is like dry and it's going, it's like scraping up your cock and then you put it in and it's going, it's like scraping up your cock, and't get one clean stroke and it's not really fucking Yeah, you gotta get one clean stroke. I have to feel I have to break the seal if I can make the seal We can put it on I'll do it for a little bit then off of the condom on I've talked to many a girl It's doing that. We'll just look 30 seconds without and then we'll start. Yeah

But these fucking these chicks want that too though. I don't want to fuck you without a con. Because that somehow psychologically makes them think that you like them. Like this is serious. Like he's fucking me without a con. He's taking risks. Oh my God, it is such a risk.

Yeah. I like don't take it personally girls. It's just we're not thinking straight at all. We're being idiots. We're being our dumbest that we ever are. So don't take it like I have decided to risk my future for you. Yeah, but it's hard to get a girl pregnant. I've been trying to get my wife pregnant for a year. There's one day out of the month that you can get a fucking chick pregnant.

How old your wife? She's 48. That's tough. I was like, wait, wait, what? I'm like, oh, you have no chance, you know, of getting your pregnant. She's, I think she's 35, I don't even know where 8 is. That's fine. She's 35, 36. But she's not as fertile as a 22 year old. No. Well, you bang a 22 year old? So I like to do that lately.

Really? Mostly. Yeah. Way mean 22 year olds. All over town. What do you have? What do you have? I don't know.

What do you have a van? I just here there, I bet some 20 year old and hang out store once. And then we, you know, all the top a couple times, it's somebody else that was there for a show. Yeah. You know. So let me ask you, back to you.

So you didn't bang into your 23. Yeah. And how old are bang into your 23. Yeah. And how old are you now? 37. How long did you go on a tear after that? No, I had one girlfriend for a little while. I had a little breakup, and fucked somebody else and back with a girlfriend.

So that was a good year and a half. It was only still that one girl, one or two girls, whatever. It came to LA. I broke up with that girl. She moved out here for me. And then once she left, it was like I went like six months to a year without getting any girl. She moved out here for me. And then once she left, it was like I went like six months to a year without getting any. Wow. And then here or

there. Right. And then lately it's gotten more and more. And but now when did you get into comedy from how did you go from, you know, going to maybe be a rabbi or studying religion and being so orthodox and then being a comic and the fucking the comic that you are. Oh, yeah. It helps to have that Rogan crowd going on the road with him really helped because that crowd was up for anything. So I had to go to the store and do spots over LA and I could do whatever I wanted there, but you know, we were a little uptight or whatever, but that Rogan crowd was just like, I can take my time.

There were no limits. I didn't feel like I would ever get an O, you know. So I could just do what I wanted. I wasn't trying to offend them or go too far with them I was just saying what I want it dirty not dirty, right, but I love dirty humor Now how did you go from how did you get into I mean this is the worst question you can ever ask a comic I understand that how did you get into comedy and I wouldn't even ask you that If you were just a you know regular fucking dude that went to call to work and then I wouldn't even ask this and I hate this question when they ask me,

how'd I get in the call? The blah blah blah. But it's- A lot of it's luck. Your situation is unique because you were a fucking, you know, going to college and you know, you're all that I was doing. And now you go from that to this. It's like, how do you bridge that?

I was, I didn't want to get a job after college. I lost my faith, you know, went to three years of Maryland, three and a half years of Maryland, with just, you know, saying I was agnostic, you know, trying to be respectful of my parents, you know, and then didn't get a, like a cool job afterwards. So it was a fuck it. And I just went afterwards, so I said fuck it. I went to California.

And it's it. Let me just try this shit. I always liked watching comedians. I didn't have cable. I watched live from the Lafactory that started a night show. Right. On CBS, some... I watch shows like that at a night show, whatever. I said I wanted to do it. I didn't want to tell anybody.

I could seem stupid to say I wanted to be a comic. We've never done it. So I said, I'll just move out there, try to be a writer. It's pretty balzy. I was more like running away from getting a job. It was more like cowardice. Yeah, well, I couldn't sit under the halogen lights for, you know, eight hours a day. Right. I just couldn't, I was so scared of that. But you could do that if you wanted to. I don't know. I mean, you have the capacity to do. Oh yeah. But I don't have a plan B. I went from Juvie Hall to getting sugar.

Oh right. Yeah, I tied it up fast enough level. I wasn't like at the general like you. Yeah, I don't have a, I don't, you know, I'm learning where a comma goes this year. You know what I mean? I can't spell. I love watching guys like you and boss right on internet.

That's the worst. You're like, what? What are you even writing? Look at this. Just look right. Well, here's a thing. As I have an excuse, I didn't go to, I mean, I was in jail school and then I got past your row.

And it's, you know, it's fucking sad. When I look back at the opportunities that people just let me skate, just go by, fuck it, just go, just keep going. Just get them the fuck outta here. Yeah, they just don't wanna deal with you. Yeah, just like not even basic English or math, where it's like I didn't fucking,

even in part. You didn't learn any of it? No, I didn't learn any of it. I mean, I've learned more in the last year. You went to college? I went to college for art, fine art. I was going to be an art teacher. Oh, well. And yeah, I did. I was into art a lot. I was painting and drawing. I think she was an art teacher. Yeah, I would have been really nice with your student. I would have had one of those moustaches with the, yeah, the curly at the end with the wax just bald and i would have i would definitely would be married i just be

banging high school students this way till they get right right soon as they're out or just risk it go over the risk it i'd definitely get my cock sucked in a fucking closet yeah i would i would be an awful teacher i love those porno's when you see like a teacher back for an a or something okay the best one it's uh... two girls on a school bus on a field trip and they're they snuck back to the school bus to play with each other's plusies Then they got caught the teacher comes on. He's all pissed

Is it what he girls doing? He thinks they're smoking weed. Oh, he's like what's that smell? What's what the hell? And he's they're like they're just looking at him like all scared because you guys smoking marijuana And he grabbed let me smell your fingers and he grabs their fingers and he goes it gets too fever he smells the fuck it and then it's like a werewolf and he starts rubbing his cock and he's got this huge pace no underwear on of course yeah and uh and he's saved perfectly saved cock with no underwear as a principal on a school trip.

And then he just pulls his huge mule out and the girl goes, can I touch it? It was through whatever his name is. And he goes, yes, but you can't tell anybody. She's like, okay, and she just grabs it and starts sucking it like a pro. It's a great one. Two girls on a school bus bus, but that's uh, yeah, I can't fucking but I me and Billy Burr and Joe DeRosa wrote a book this year about what? We did a short film last year called cheat. We wrote and produced it and it's a movie about

It's a short film. It's gonna be in the festival. Really? But Montreal, so the share, so you can check it out. But, and then we got, we got approached by somebody about writing a book about it. And then we wrote a proposal and Simon and Schuster. Really? That's the legitimate company.

That's like one of the big ones. Yeah, so it was a big deal. And it's called Cheat, it's a man's guide to infidelity. Really? That's the legitimate company. That's one of the big ones. Yeah, so it was a big deal. And it's called cheat. It's a man's guide to infidelity. Really? It's a how-to book on how to cheat and not get caught. Did you used to be a big cheater? Yeah, I was a fucking big time, you know,

sex cheating all the time. Yeah, I was fucked up for years because, you know, my first girl, I got sober. I was this punk, then I got sober I was this punk then I got sober in sober life the first five years it's almost like being a religious zealot I mean you're going to meetings all the time right God and spirituality and you know good you know all this stuff and then when I got found comedy I actually found a girlfriend she went up cheating on me breaking my heart yeah and from that day, I just started banging brats.

Really? He said, fuck it. I was banging. I was fucking everything. And I mean, I was fucking when I was younger too. I started banging, I was 10. Really? Yeah, the first time I was, I was 10.

Tony Quinn. How old is she? She was 14. Oh, first of all, okay Inside that it's four years older than you. That's 14 is still way too young to be fucking for a girl Yeah, but you were 10 How did you do anything come out? Yeah, I remember I fucked her in the bushes over by a mystic lakes And my friend Dicking at Scott were in the bushes helping me. What do you mean thrusting for you?

They were trying to, they were saying, you know, you know, pump like this. You can do it. I didn't, yeah, you can do it. I remember I was, I put it in and she kept saying, I put my done-lop windbreaker down, which just bought me the ones with the kangaroo pocket. And I put it down and she was like, don't do that. And I was like, why? She goes, I'm a spitter.

And I was like, I don't even know what that means. I've never, I've never been able to say, I'm like, don't worry about it. Don't worry, I was all nervous. Don't worry about it. She's like, all right. So I remember I blasted her and I came inside her. Yeah.

And I pushy spit out all my com on my, we're gonna shut it all out. It just, yeah, it just dribbles out. It doesn't stay in like some girl spit out. I don't know that was term even. Yeah, some girl spit out the com. And it was all on my jacket. Whoa, whoa, she's already had sex enough time

to know that she was a spitter. Here's the thing, is I thought she was my girlfriend. I was in love with her. I carved our names in a tree. It's still there. She was just a whore. She's a fourth year old whore who already knew that she was my girlfriend. I was in love with her. I carved our names in a tree. It's still there. She was just a whore. She's a fourth-year-old whore who already knew that she was a spitter.

She fucked everybody. And you were in love with her. You're like, I think that's my girl. She did the special stuff. Yeah, Dickey came to me one day like a month later because we just called Dickey. She had a huge piece. I just had a big dick.

And we always talk about it and she tried to fuck them in front of the rectory She took him in a bush. I just left them She grabbed him in a bush and tried to fuck him in front of the rectory. Wow and he wound up so So I religious try yeah, he tried to stick it in a little bit Yeah, then he called me no guy code. He felt bad pulled me over to our hut We had a fort like a hot by the tracks I think she tried to fuck me dude and I fucking got so pissed my heart was broken Oh, yeah, I was in the tree that I carved our names in yeah, and I was just killing and she was Down at the bottom going. I'm sorry

And I had this necklace she gave me and I took it off and I threw it down at her And I had this necklace she gave me and I took it off and I threw it down to that Thing dramatic. Yeah, I was just sulking and she probably had six to seven guys It had been that pussy wept over and she don't know how to handle it She's like, oh, you're a good person. She fucked this 19-year-old kid. Oh, wow. She was fucking everybody God At 10 stuff came and came out at 10. I remember at some point stuff started coming out I beat off and nothing would come out. And then one day it did. Yeah, I just, I thought it was like broken.

I had jizz come out. You could have been a 10 year old father. Yep. Or 11. Yep. Yep. Yep. Wow.

Yeah. That should be a forced abortion. For 10 year old, it's a 14 year old pregnant. That should just be a forced abortion. Yeah. I don't care if her parents are super rich. Right. And Christian, they want it like, no, you don't not, look, it's a 14 year old pregnant. That should just be a forced abortion. Yeah. I don't care if your parents, if her parents are super rich and Christian, they want it like, no, you don't, not, just not allowed.

God fucked up here. Well, I thought I got a pregnant. They started calling me father Bob. And I was so nervous, but then I found out she fucked everybody. So I wasn't so nervous. Yeah, did you bring the father or a very slim? Yeah, my dick, you know, there's probably that 19 year olds, fucking banging her all the time.

Jesus. But anyway, I don't even know where we were. But so back to, then you get into comedy, you started hanging out with Rogan. And you do, me and you kind of do the same thing. I toured with Dane, you toured with Rogan. And I, you know, I've talked to Rogan about this too. And he's, he's so, he's a fucking cool guy because he takes care, he takes care of you guys. Yeah.

He, he wants to be surrounded by friends. Uh-huh. He wants, he wants to be on the road with his pals. Yeah, it was the only 24 hours or whatever. I want to be able to do something for lunch with somebody. Yeah. And this, and he, and he was the only one who's probably not. He was the only one who's probably not. I want to be able to do something for lunch with somebody. Yeah. And this, and he, and he was always really cool about comedy.

It was like, is there any material I should stay away for you? He's like, do what the fuck you want to do? I don't get, I don't care. He gave me the best of those. Two years of time. Whatever. Well, he's a, I met him years ago with the Akua Ku

before he was big. What is the Akua Ku? It's a comedy club in Boston at a Chinese restaurant. The, the Huki Lau. Not the Huki Lau, the Akua Ku. Okay. Huki Lau was big. What is it, Yaku-Aku? It's a comedy club in Boston at a Chinese restaurant. The Hukilau? Not the Hukilau, the Yaku-Aku. Okay. Hukilau is gone. Oh, good.

Boston has a thing, especially back then, that all comedy clubs are in Chinese food restaurants. For some reason. And I came up to them and I was like, do you have any advice? I'm a big fan because I saw it as Comedy Central Half Hour,

which was crazy. It was known as MTV Comedy Half Hour. He was outside of the beach or some shit. And here is this dude fucking talking about getting a blow job. And how to slowly force the chicks head down from your nipples. Yeah, that feels good yeah, and just slowly apply pressure to the top of her head. And I was blown away. It's like, you're allowed to say that? Yeah, but he said it without saying it. You know what I mean?

He just danced around. It's so smoothly. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Just getting a fucking blow job. And it was so bright on. And I walked up to him, I was like, do you have any advice? And he's like, yeah, no advice have any advice and he's like yeah no advice because there's no fucking advice he goes get on stage and do comedy he goes evolving to whatever the

fuck you evolve. Yeah and I still say that the kids today. I say it too it's like what am I gonna tell you you'll figure it out man you gotta do some reps I don't know you'll figure it out whatever way you go you're gonna be a Bruce you know smear off type or a Mitch headbrook type or a fucking whatever it is it'll happen yeah you're gonna evolve you're gonna change you find your fucking voice and yeah it's a constant evolution of getting trying to get better you know I mean everybody's terrible when they start and we're doesn't impression of a comedian right you know I was a monochole winski jokes just embarrassing you what you had monolet what was one of them?

I don't remember, I just remember trying, like I guess I was supposed to write a joke about this. I guess this is something I was supposed to write about. Right. And not caring at all. I don't care about politics at all. Me neither. I don't give a fuck about the world.

I just care about my world. I voted last year. Yeah. Why, I just in case there's a lynch mob you can say you voted no, I voted last year for the first time ever in my life Just to fucking do it not to see what the experience was like I just wanted to do it. It was down the street from my house Yeah, I never voted in my life. I just wanted to fucking do it. I Like the fact that Obama, you know, black dude, you know, because I remember watching that was that asteroid movie.

There was two of them. There was a- We need to play asteroids. No, the asteroid was gonna hit the world. Oh, yeah. Deep impact. Deep impact and was the other one. What was the black president?

Tailione, yeah, the black president, Morgan Freeman or something. I remember I called my manager up and he was like, dude, I can believe the asteroid, hidden and send it to the ship. Black president, oh yeah, I just did that. He goes, there's no way, but he goes, I can believe all that stuff.

But a black president, really. And cut to now. I was just like, this is fucking crazy. So, you want to be part of it. I didn't want to be part of the whole, you know, I didn't want to be part of the Democratic Party. I just wanted to go and vote and see what the fuck that was and you walk in Yeah, fucking hit a button. I think I voted against gay marriage by accident. Uh-huh. Really? Is it confusing like that? Yeah

It's a little confusing because I'm fucking dumb. I don't really know what the fuck you go in. I was also, yes, on prop 8, no one gave marriage. Yeah, like I didn't want to stick my hat out of the curtain go, was it a yes? I mean, they can get married or is it no? So you just voted wrong by accident? I think I voted wrong by accident. But I just did it to do it. It was all right.

No, I don't really give a fuck about that shit. really could give a fuck i was like it's gonna take care for me and my vote doesn't matter you don't one vote just does not make a difference just mathematically it doesn't and they say but they say that you know all right your vote and then my vote and then the black vote matters right but any one person i was in the the York that year I was there, and there was a Connecticut like state-centered or something, and our Congress, and it came out of four votes.

It came out of six votes, and they recounted it and it came out of four votes. And all my friends like, see? I'm like, see what? No, even if any one of those one people switched sides, the same guy would still win. Even when it's that close, one vote does not matter. And your vote in my vote.

Yeah. Those two votes don't matter. Exactly. Our two votes don't matter. Just don't matter. Yeah, leave us out of it. People are voting in the Y when it's already decided who's the president. And they're still like, I'm going to be a part of it. You're not part of nothing.

You're part of nothing. It's clearly already decided. You're just wasting time. Like, what were you part of? What does that mean? It doesn't, you know why? It's not hands across America. You're not part of it. I actually know that UFC thing, where they sent the email out to contact your local fucking congressman in New York City. Oh yeah. I called. Did you? I did. I called. You got to make more of a difference. You know what I got?

What? A big fucking nothing. Some secretary. Who are you? And blah blah. He's at lunch. I know he was in the office right behind there. Okay. What is this about MMA? What's MMA? The UFC, uh, mixed martial arts. what is it? It's the Mixed Mouth Shalots. I had explained it to the fucking lady. And then I was like, listen, I really want to make sure that he knows that I won't accept it into my community. You want to talk to him? And I put on my best smart guy, like business, high-voids, pronouncing my Rs. And, like business, I've been using my words. Now it's seeing my ours.

And, you know, the studies have proven, yes. Beyond any, I just think, big words. This is not just fodder, this is, and she was like, all right, I'll have him get back to you.

I was like, really? Good, okay, that's great. And nothing. You didn't get back to you how's it really good okay that's great and nothing you get back to you how fucking nothing you said on this guy wants to call she'd be like what are you in any of it that we don't call those people back well here's the thing is it and then you find out a couple weeks later that it's not has anything to do with that guy it has to do with the fucking unions

the the fifties of brothers have fucking the biggest uh... non-union casino in Las Vegas. And the unions fucking hate the fact that they have that. And they're trying to say fuck you. It's a fucking back to them. And yeah, it's the unions that are holding everything up. It's not me. I mean, I'm glad that I called up and did it

just to see what that was like. I like the process. I'll listen to a conversation. If I hear a crazy person, I start to tune out. Listen for two minutes. Let me hear anything special you can use. Yeah. Just see for yourself into it.

Yeah, just force yourself into something uncomfortable situation just to go through it. So that when somebody else brings it up, you can be like, okay, I know what to talk. Because I've hidden it from that shit my whole life. Me too, but I'm all about that now. I don't know what your experience is like until I sort of done it. Yeah, it's, when I get uncomfortable, I try to force my way through it because I don't

want to. I hate that. I hate forcing my way. Making that phone call was the hardest thing ever because as soon as she picked up, I was like, hello, and it's like this conversation, I don't know what's about to happen. And like, you know, nothing happened.

Yeah. It was just, but I called my Congress for the first time in my life. I called my Congress. You can see how I got in the idea now. I know sort of what it's gonna be like. Yeah. It's nothing.

Nothing happened. What do I ask people to do that then? I think it's because a guy like Dana White or the UFC says, okay, it's almost like ONA or how it's turned, the Wack pack or the pests. Pestic of them. Yeah, just boom. And you get like,

I can say that having an effect, if somebody, if I'm working at desk, I'm like, here's the side of the issue, we're going 60% towards side B. And you get all these phone calls for side A. You sort of, even if'm working at desk, I'm like, here's a side of the issue, we're going 60% towards side B. And then you get all these phone calls for side A. You sort of, even if it's just like, well, there's millions of people who cares of side A call, but you hear it over and over again.

You start to get your opinions weighed. Well, here, I, how about this? You get a million phone calls from side B. Yeah. And but side A has one guy with fucking billions of dollars. Yeah. Side A can go, side B can go fuck themselves. Yeah, they're not gonna get anything done. Yeah, all those guys in the affliction t- Side being go fuck themselves. Yeah, they're not gonna get anything done.

Yeah, all those guys in the affliction t-shirts can go fuck themselves. And the Jersey accent or the New York accent, you just fuck off, it's not happening. They ain't against frustrated. He's always like, it's not about fucking, what they think should be cock fighting, humankind, anything like that,

it's just about who's getting paid, whose charities are getting taken care of, whose charities are getting taken care of, whose campaigns are getting taken care of. That's it. You've got to keep going back and forth so you pay the right people and off to where it's good. Yeah. You know, it's just a shake down.

It's fucked up. There's no repairing it. There's no, that's what I wanted to fuck with it for Tito's. Yeah, that's the one thing. It's like even the government, you know, during that election, I watched a lot of stuff. I tried to watch as much as I could. But then you hear people talking that are intelligent, you think that are intelligent.

It's like, dude, you're just re-quoting what I heard. You just have a better memory at just remembering shit other smart people said. You have no information on your own. You haven't analyzed that information. You just repeat it word for word. know, you have no information on your own. Do you have any like analyze that information? You just repeat it word for word. Yeah, you're repeating what you fucking heard. I've had, I know guys that repeat what I teach them, like computer wise.

Oh, like, you know, cause I know a lot about fucking bullshit, like computers and gadgets and what the best thing is, the guy pad case or the app for this. Yeah, and the repeater is a, Yeah, they'll teach you back to me. Yeah, dude, you got to get this. It's like, really? I told you about that.

I'm probably too offended by that. It should be a good thing. It's like, oh, thanks for listening to me. But it's like, would you learn that asshole? But it's like, you told it to him. It's fine. I remember Norton one, one, the election was going on. I said something.

I forget what it was. They were all talking about In Norton's fucking great at this. He's a content. He's a cunt when he does it, but it's funny as shit He uh, I said I forget what word I used. Yeah, I use some type of fucking political word as soon as I said it He goes what does that mean? And I was like, yeah. You don't know. I love that. I remember in college, you said, do that.

You used to use a word. And I'm like, what did you mean for that to, like, what did you want that sense to mean? Because you could possibly use that word, but it'd be a stretch. Right. Just something that sounded right. But you call people on it, so embarrassing,

you're like, I don't know. It was terrible. It was terrible. It was like, right, the salad. I could see him go, what something that sounded right. When you call people on it, it's so embarrassing, you're like, I don't know. It's terrible. It was terrible. It was like, right to salad. I could see him go, what does that mean? What is the definition of that? And I was like, it's such a dick intelligent. It's almost intelligent bullies.

Yeah. There's this guy who bully people physically. And then there's smart bullies, which suck just as worse. Just calling it on the stuff you don't know. Yeah, that's why the guy's on fire. You know, tell them actually these big words,

you have to ask them like, what is that word? Yeah, I don't know. Well, right in this, when we were writing this book, it was, I can write great. I can tell a story fantastic. But, you know, I learned so much about what a fucking comma does. Oh, right. Actually, oh, you can continue the thought, but I mean, you just what a fucking comma does.

Actually, or you can continue the thought, but I mean, you do to stop here for a second. Cause just stop for a second, and now go. You know, I learned, I learned, yeah, now boom, period. I want you to stop, cause I'm gonna stop. Take that in for a second, I'm gonna start you off with a new sentence. I'm gonna start you off with a whole new thing.

I'm gonna capital letter on everything a new sentence. I'm gonna start you off with a whole new thing. It's almost like capital letter and everything. Don't worry about it. God, when you see texts or tweets that have no idea about that, it's just like, I can't take it seriously. Yeah, I have to look over my tweet, fucking 90 times. Couple of times, to make sure.

I am because I'm definitely a fault of that, and I hate when these fucking, I don't mind if somebody says something and it's funny. After that, I get it and sometimes it's not me it's the iPhone like between and I was sent No, put the wrong word or fucking something I get fuck but it's me too. Yeah, but they like there not there See that's the fucking thing that killed it's like you don't say it just judge me silently Don't fucking say it out loud. Those are the things that kill me like two TOO T W out out loud. Those are the things that kill me. Like two TOOTWO2. It shows stupidity. There. It just makes me not take it seriously. When you keep consistently misspelling, like, misusing those, it's just like this guy's an idiot. I found a way out of it. What?

Fucking the number two. Just go for that one. It's character space. Yeah. And you can't judge me. On Twitter, it's good because you need to save character space. So it it's like you're allowed. Yeah, I've reverted and but I'll still, I forget who came up with a joke about that where they want to write these great funny letters to people but they can't because they don't know how to spell. Oh yeah. I remember text going back not knowing how to word a spell and said I'll just use a different

word. I'll just go back. Yeah, I bail out on a lot of fucking texts and tweets where I'm like, eh It's not worth the risk. When you guys gonna wait for way miss using this. Yeah, the word there. Oh, that one fucking That would get to me a lot and then there's how many there's out there this You're there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then there's there Uh-huh belongs to them. Well belong. I so explain this right now to me there All right, let me tell you okay. You have

There which is over there, which is ERE. Yeah, then you have EIR Which is what which is it belongs to you? Yep, because that's their apples there their apples And then there's another one right? Uh-huh. What's the other one? They are? They are. Yeah, they're going over there. See that's if it was just two I'd be fine. Yeah, the fact that they put the third one in which is just kind of similar to the second one fucks me up. That's right. Yeah, fucked up. I get fucked on an iPhone. I'll change that before I look at it as I'm typing really fast. I'm like no, no, no, I'm not that dumb. Yeah. But it fucks you up consistently. It fucks me up a little. I mean, I'm very conscious of it now because I hate these fucking spelling cuts, these spelling nazis on Twitter, they're just waiting. They're reading people's

tweets like, I didn't use a comma there. You fucking moron. Yeah, I am a fucking moron. I had to write a whole blog on why I'm stupid, just to let you people know. Then I'm not trying to pretend I'm smart. No, no, I mean, look, I'm smart. And psychologically, I'm smart. I'm smart and fucking, you know, put me in a room with you and we'll talk about shit and I'll fucking,

you'll be a moron. Medical, you don't have to lose. Yeah, socially, you're a fucking shit dick, but you're not a fucking spell. Good for you. You know, I went and followed my dreams and I'm fucking living my life. You're working in a fucking queue. You know, I'm a fucking spy.

I'm waiting for me to misspell something. Yeah, waiting for me to misspell something. Chill, follow me. Are you living your mother's basement? Good for you. Good fucking college degree. Keep paying those loans. You fucking fucking plus whack.

It's fun to have a job right? Yeah. It's a lot of fun. That's the lot of fun. That's the end of part one of my interview with Ari Schaffer. Please insert tape number two now. Thanks again for listening to another episode of You Know What Dude podcast on gloryholeradio.com and make sure to check out all the other shows on the Glory Home Network. If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word FART when you register.

I, Tune Uses. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're a real fan of the show and you want to show your support, go to GloryholeRadio.com, slash Robert Kelly and hit the donate button. $10 will get you a shout out on the air, $20 will get you my first CD, Robert Kelly Live, hit the donate button. Ten Dolls, por que he shoudado en el aire, 20 Dolls, por que me llamo mi primer CD, Robert Kelly Live, no en las estaciones. Si hay preguntas, me he emailado en Robert Kelly en gloriholradio.com. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca.

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