Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me and Colin Quinn - Part 1

Episode Date: October 30, 2010

Me and Colin Quinn - Part 1 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What's up, it's Robert Kelly doing another you know what dude podcast and this is a very special podcast because my guest on my shitty iPhone podcast is none other than the self proclaimed legend. Broadway legend. Broadway legend now. Colin Quinn. Woo. That was him going well, I bet the crowd you bet this crowds into it after six straight weeks of Joe D'Rose Oh, yeah, don't forget one Morgan Murphy

So here we are not to try to control Robert's podcast, but you kind of are but go ahead first of all I wanted to say that Bob gave me a lovely gift when he came in. And he went, go on, I came in, and he gave me a slingshot, which from Guatemala, I figured out. And he realizes that really me and him were about 12 years old emotionally. And of course, I love it so much, so thank you so much. And I was trying to tell him before that the kind of kid I was, I would literally hide out the window

and even into adulthood I did this, which I'm almost ashamed of, and I really, I went like, people would be coming out from bars, like guys, coming up drunk, from like two in the morning, a group of guys. I would lean with my face pressed so the window was just cracked open and yell,

ah, no girls, how loser. And they'd be going, what? It was just in Brooklyn, they'd be like, who just said that? Shout out, you open and yell no girls. How loser? And they be going what? Who just said that shot up you don't get no girls Kill his you just go back. Oh, you're gonna kill nobody nice jacket still been and I would just heck old guys Like drawing home from boss without checks I grew sick guys and boss and they just be threatened to beat the shit out of me They had no idea where you were now and a couple of my names actually knew I did it so they'd be like left and like I was like, I was gonna give this all killed one day. It's kinda fun.

So if I was just thinking if I had had a slingshot at that time, I'd use up an axe. Why? Well, it actually came in handy. I chased a couple of caught thief down my block once and I caught him. I shoestring him when I was chasing with the axe. You shoestring them? I shoest him to grab tackle I shoestring him when I was chasing with the axe you shoestring them I shoesting Grab tackled him shoestring caught him right by his foot

Really I mean I was in that break I had an axe and three of my friends were behind me But I mean and then another time I chased another guy that was breaking into a car house And I had my axe. I was in my underwear and then it cops were at the corner like 17. Yeah, and they go And they stop and I go he went that way to the And they go, and they stop, and I go, he went that way to the park at a point, and they next, you know, I'm on the ground, spread eagle like a captain, restraining me and me in my back, they'd cuffing me,

because they're like, I got with an accident on the way, I got to see that people must have called. So, you're saying this to me, like it's a surprise to me, you've chased me with a fucking axe in your apartment, you've came to my house with a hammer. You're a strong guy, I need weaponry.

You at three in the morning, okay? You were 45 years old, okay? So apparently you didn't fucking learn your lesson and creep. You came to my house at three in the morning. You got by my door guy, which I don't know how you did. You should be flattered. it shows us what a formidable ally I feel like you weaponry. How do you get by my door guy with a fucking hammer with what was in the end of it

It was one of the like a like an ice pick on the end of it. Yeah, it was it's exactly what it was It's an ice pick. It's awesome. That's good. Yeah, so apparently I haven't changed any At all I bought that actually because of a situation at one time I thought I had to handle with the ice pick. if I buy this at the hardware store, we cash. Nobody will be able to trace it. I could just use it and then say, hey, listen, you know, I didn't have it. I just bought it in the street. He was someone chasing you or just in just a situation with somebody I thought was going to lead to that.

But don't talk about it on this podcast. That was a year ago. Regenerate. I was going to be a little bit more careful. I was someone chasing you or just in just a situation with somebody I thought was going to lead to that. All right, but don't talk about it in this podcast because that was a year ago. Regenerates because that assholes listening to my podcast is an O&A fan. No, that's not O&A fans.

But speaking of conflict, first of all, what happened tonight? I speak to Bobby, I'm like, yeah, I'm coming over to the podcast. You know, Andy goes, yeah, good. I'm glad I'm such a mean it's Sally goes if you want, but it's gonna be too noisy down there apparently. It's very noisy Bob I want to let us in on what happens first of all Dude I Last night you I told you what happened last night. No, but don't hinted to something Okay last night I'm at the seller and I I go on stage, girl drunk, lady drunk, talking

the whole set, I lay into her, apparently she's talking through everybody's set, everybody and then I'll kick them out. Nobody kicked them out, and then I'm up there, I lay into her, I start fucking yelling at her, you know, just trash in her, but in a funny way, for everybody else to laugh at her, she's just drunk, just a piece of shit, I, you know, you just a slob, you know, you just awful. You have no idea what, you know, the way I am with food, you are with alcohol, just awful. You just a piece of garbage like me, but just with food. You know, stuff, trash, and finally they kick her out.

But I said some comment. I was like, oh my God, I was looking at a guy that you, don't you wish it was the 1920s, where you could just raise your hand back and go, ah, she had up. Right. Like Frank Sinatra, you know. Right.

So apparently, a girl is at a table. Her boyfriend laughed at that. She got mad at him. Okay. Therefore, they got to a fight. She got mad at me. She wants a believe in. So this girl and Holly going,

you are a fucking asshole to me. I'm'm like what the fuck did I do to you she's like you want it to be the 1920s really to hit women I go real you really think that I'm fucking it's a comedy club you moron yeah it's a fucking I'm not I'm not running for office this is fucking Oprah You know, and then I go I really I really do wish it was the fucking 1920s now And then I go I take that back because it was the 1920s. I wouldn't have a big black door guy to kick you out So it was off whatever I called known today and I actually talked to him about it He was like dude fuck that You know that's both that a big meeting tonight and fucking they're like no that it shouldn't know when I'm that long The first day I'm right. It's ridiculous. I club that club used to be tight. I'm glad they're doing it again Right time to get serious tonight. I'm on stage tonight. It was a crappy crowd. Okay, you know when you get those

But who gives a rating? What it's just a fucking they're Okay, you know, when you get those, who gives a fuck? Raining. What a, it's just a fucking, they're not into, you know, they were, I, you know, I'm trying to do this set and, you know, it's, it's just, you know, every little thing I say, it's, ooh, ah, ooh, you know, whatever. And I say, I go into this other joke and it's fine. You know, I'm kind of I'm not floundering But I'm not really right. I'm not on all some kind of mail in it I'm just trying to get the fuck out of there, you know, and it's fine, you know

And then this I say to this young guy go how old are you he goes? He goes I'm a lot younger than you like Yeah, I was like really dude I go fuck really I'm I and I went into my joke I just went into my act about I love being 40. I'm fucking finished. It's over right you have hopes and dreams You know right then it you know you don't know that they're all gonna die you know to me blah blah And then I go into this thing. I'm like I you know I I do this joke. I'm pushing my wife over in blah blah. I go you know you should do tonight push her in a bush

His chick. He was I guess was his wife push her in a bush. She'll be did he, was this, I guess, was his wife? Push her in a bush. Should we mad for two days? She'll laugh the fucking nine years of joke I have, right? I go and if she has a skirt, it will come up, it'll be a bush in a bush, the best story ever told, right? Just a fucking line, funny. He fucking took that so personal, this guy. He goes, what the fuck did you say about my wife?

He goes, oh, fucking kill you. Like that. So I look at him, I'm like, what did you, I my wife? He goes, oh, fucking kill you. Like that. So I look at him, I'm like, what did you, I start laughing. I go, what? Did you just say? And I just was like, what? And he's like whisper in like, fucking kill you. I'll kill you.

And I'm like, I'm literally going, what the fuck are you saying? I'm giggling, it's making me laugh. So I just let it go. Because you know what, I don't want to offend. it go because you know what I don't want to fend I look I'm not I don't want to offend me Yeah, it's a way to start being a dickhead. So I move on I just go through my act But I keep looking staring at me the whole set. Well, she's got her head down I can hear a whispering shit to him, but I don't even acknowledge it

I just fucking do my set The crew, you know crowd fucking sucked for the most part, there's just fucking whatever. And I do my sad, it was fine. I end it, and then he says something to me at the end. And I go, oh, really? I go, you know, I was leaving. He's got his head looking at me, turned like his wife went to the bathroom,

and he's looking at me as I walk. And I go, come here. I bring him in the hallway, and he comes out. And he's like, dude, what the fuck, man? And he comes, I go, come on out here, way out in the hallway and he comes out It is a dude what the fuck man and he comes I go come on out here way out in the hallway come outside out here I go what what what dude he goes what the fuck man? What you gonna be a tough guy? That's what you got you want to play the tough guy and I go he goes I go dude. Do you really want to fucking do this? I go really do you really? Wanna I know his nose to nose. Do you really want to fucking do this? I go really do you really want to I know his nose to

nose? Do you really want to fucking do this? And he goes no. Exactly. And he turns away and as he turns away he fucking comes back and pushes me. Oh my god. I fucking know. But I lost it dude. I threw him to the ground, picked him up by the neck and threw him. Not like I just threw him to the ground picked them up by the neck and through I just threw him I just pushed him back but it was a lot You know I threw him against the wall and then I was just a lot what you know fucking lay your hands on me The fuck would you touch me for? Yeah, you know and Steve and the door guy were the manager right there and saw this fucking idiot

Touch me, you know what I mean? Right, right, right. But it's like, he fucking, as soon as he touched me, I was like, I fucking lost it. Right. And I was like, fuck you, you don't fucking touch me, you fucking, and it was like, could you, could you, he tried to pull that shit away, he was blaming me. Right. You tried to say, he fucking, I don't know, I did, they were right there, they saw you

touch me. Right. I go, did you see him? He goes, yes, I did go to them she was like well he's trying to fucking he's trying to set me up like a little worm right I just attacked him like he could sue the place we're gonna even yeah just a free night on the town well whatever just to get fucking get me in trouble right right with this cock sucker fucking and he it is what because they I had witnesses they fucking I was like fuck you you don't

fucking touch somebody you want to say whatever you want to fucking say to me say it? I don't give a shit But you don't fucking touch me I literally was in his ear just fucking you don't fucking touch me Just like lost it and he actually went out Almost laughed it laughed it because you went out because I was yelled in his ear It was but it's like what the fuck man. I mean look. I'll take the hit on Saying you know you took it personal right okay fuck you but I Would if you came out dude you don't say that about I'd be like look dude

I didn't I would say I'm not I didn't mean to say the fanny wife did took it the wrong way dude You're taking it personal I wouldn't I wouldn't be I wouldn't hate the guy I'll be mad at the guy if he got mad and something that happens sure okay fine you're a fucking idiot okay that you took that person all is in it because he's talking about going a lot younger than you exactly I just said how old are you right I didn't say fucking you an attitude exact he's a he was drunk right he was fucking drunk and he fucking you an attitude. Exactly. He's a, he was drunk. Right. He was fucking drunk. Right. And he fucking, you know,

fuck him. Right. It was fucking crazy, dude. But I, you know, your brain goes, dude. Oh, I wanted to go follow him. Right. I wanted to follow him and his wife. Yeah.

And I wanted to fucking, you know, really just settle it. Be like, dude, I wanted him to admit that he was wrong. Like get him to the point where it was like, dude, you fucking apologized to me right the fuck now For fucking touching me and fucking taking it too far you fucking idiot. What you don't I mean But I don't want to fuck with anybody with this oh my god for bed You know first of all if I was with my wife I wouldn't fucking the last thing I would ever do is put her and fuck

By fighting somebody else. I don't know fight at the some kid was fucking me at the Caroline's one night and she was there. I fucking I'll be right back. I took her home I make sure she was safe and I went back and I go Come on outside. Let's go. Why come on. Let's go now You know, I wouldn't do anything with her wrap it didn't come out. No, he apologized and told me he was a big fan and he didn't know he's drunk and all of them. But what a fucking, it's like dude, the comedy is getting fucking ridiculous, man. I know.

It's get, I don't know what the fuck you go up there and anybody can just yell out anything and you can just shift,'s all about drinking yeah and eating yeah I was just saying that tonight to these guys because they don't know the comedy world that well and I go they have it set up it's a it's a the seats are not set up for a performer they're set up to your face each other you have to talk you can't be completely quiet during a show because you have to go to the waitress and make your order. So it's almost like set up where it makes it that much tougher to have to speak. You know what I mean?

But it's like you have, a lot of clubs in the world don't even have bounties. They just have waiters and waitresses and a manager. They don't even hire a fucking bouncer anymore. At least the seller has somebody who's supposed to be there's a bouncer there's a you know a fucking manager but it's like you know come on what you know I mean tonight wasn't anybody's fault this guy was a fucking weirdo right because he was whispering shit right he was threatening to be with whispers which is a let right and he came out and I have no I didn didn't think he was going to do what he did either. You know what I mean?

I had no idea. That was, but last night was fucking ridiculous, man. Fucking just a drunk girl talking through everybody's set. And then, you know, you expect, what? And then the other girl taken it seriously. How do you go to a comedy club? If you laugh, you laugh at one thing, laugh at it all. If you get offended at one thing, then you are fine.

But how can you go to a comedy club? Not only that, but not even to look and see the situation, the pressure. You know what I mean? Here you are trying to make it good for everybody. So your bus and this one goes balls to get around to that. Right. Trying to keep it, you know what I mean? Right.

They don't understand, like, the point when somebody out is a very sensitive, delicate moment. Shit, a lot of shit happens is bad shit when somebody's being thrown out. You could look like an asshole in two seconds and you could also turn the whole, you could blow up the old situation. You blow up the whole fucking shit. By tapping when that person being thrown out, you send some audience guys like, yeah, get out. And you agree with them, but then they say, okay, fuck you. I'm so fucking glad. That's right. I have a last night. A girl in the audience, you know, shut the fuck up to the girl. Yeah. And they almost she was like in the drunk girl show me your pussy And I was like just everybody blacks

Just relax and I told the girl that y'all dinner I go I mean to I go good for you good for you For being an audience member and fucking sticking up for me in the show, but let's just be honest It's a skinny white girl that was a Puerto Rican or a black chick you wouldn't have said shit. Let's just be honest. You wouldn't have kept your mouth shut. And show her shit pussy. Right, and you would have whipped out your pussy. But it's fucking awful, dude. It's like, I don't know what the fuck did, I'm so fucking sick of it, man. I gotta go to fucking Texas tomorrow for two nights and I'm like, now I'm fucking frantic. Like, I know it's gonna happen. I almost want to just say fuck it and just go and fucking robot.

Robot. Yeah, going on a medical pilot, like you said, sometimes you have to. Sometimes a lot of medical pilot is the best job, but it's a shame that you have to do it. You know what I mean? Like sometimes it works that way because there's too many people drinking. And like we say, they let all these people, they're encouraging drinks, some places. Some places like the cellar salad they tell them shut up Some place they just care about making people drink because that's what they make their buddy

That's what they make their money, but they get greedy they make too much money. Yeah, fucking a dude I'm so warmed up right now not feel bad too because I don't like fucking laying hands on people at least you're gonna Canada wherever is polite I fucking can't wait even the rude people I can't wait I can't wait to go up there and fucking deal with polite audiences that don't fucking yell shit out It's unbelievable. I can't wait. I can't wait to be up there where they just listen Even if they don't like you. They'll still listen to the plot quietly Fuck it any now. We have to say we have to say that there was a drink We're calling up the drinks because now you change yourself for Canada. We're calling up the drinks

I'm saying that they're all polite in Canada. Yes, they're not all polite. Some of my results. But I mean, but it is true that Americans allow. I think it has a lot to do with, you know, I said they become internet tough guys and then suddenly they get in the club and they're just so yapping away.

I got a fucking email today from a guy fucking seven months ago that threatened to kill me at a club. He still tries to see, he still tries to send me that guy. Yeah, it was Texas too. He sent me an email. Today, he got a new email address because I blocked his other one. He got a new one just to send me an email like, fuck you, you pussy. It's like, dude, these fucking people are crazy, man. It's almost like comedy is too out there. They have nothing. Yeah. It's too accessible. We're too accessible. Well, yeah, that's true too.

We've got fucking Twitter, Facebook, email, you know, not to segue into my fucking great app that just came out. That's right, this is about the app tonight too. Well, it's about the app and it's about your show, which is fucking. The big board of my head. It's fucking, God, but I love to be in your shoes.

I am fucking, you know, at least I feel lucky to be doing it right now I'm gonna say because your act is fucking stand up I mean I seen you do a lot of that stuff at the cell phone last couple years. Yes, and But you you do it in a club right and it does it does good right or it doesn't do good right right? You do it in the theater setting. It's fucking amazing. It's like, I would watch you do that stuff and be like, what the fuck? Wow, what the fuck?

How do you even think that shit? How do you go from here to here and then add all the shit in the middle? It just seems so much work. It does work. Yeah, I mean, just a fucking research and joke. I mean, I fucking researched a word once. You know what I mean? I went and got a fucking research and joke. I mean, right? I don't, I fucking researched the word once. You know what I mean? I went and got a better word.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's like, to do it in the club, and then to see you do it in the theater, it was like fucking crazy. I was like, what the, this is what we all should be doing. That theater got paid off. Can I?

Why? I don't know. The theater I did the show with. Why? Non-payment or something. Really? Uh-huh. Really?

Yeah. They can lock a theater up. I thought that was like a group of fucking dudes with black shirts and fucking beards that none of that. None of that. Any building with four walls in a ceiling in Manhattan is you can like someone out.

Really? So much money you're kidding me? Wow. Every place has to make money in the hat. Even today, with the economy, you have some space. You're not making money if you're out. So, so, I mean that isn't one thing that with you, I should be willing to show you, you have to put asses and seats. Yeah. You got to, and now you're a Broadway. Now in Broadway, the producers, the only thing is the producers have to put asses and seats, but then the whole thing is about paying them back and then making money. Right.

So the show runs as long as they can make money back. So you can really, I can really end up having them on the show for a couple of years to make their money back. Well, so they make their money back and make their profit. And let's like, you know, the contract says they're taking a gamble. So they want to make money profit. And let's like, you know, the contract says they're taking a gamble. So they want to make money off it. So, you know, even if it's so a few run a couple of years, I mean, if it has to really. Do you get paid? Yeah. While you paid the minimum to start and then after they get paid back, I could be money, I guess. So after two years

you might make money? No, no. After six months, I can make money, the success, which is really successful. So, but for six months I'm making... Yeah, but one of your fucking producers is your good friend. Yeah. And he's a fucking mouth-and-mouth millionaire. Yeah. Does he really need to make his money back? That's a good point.

But I don't really... I don't know any of those... If I was a boss to say, Jerry, listen. Ha ha ha. Wow. You don't need this money. Even though we don't know, that's what I should say. No, no, Jerry. Well, no, no, no. Hey, Kyle, I don't really this money Even though we all know that's what I should say no No, no, I'm very well

No, no, no, hey, Kyle, I don't really you know, it doesn't matter to be I know yeah But that's a stay rich is you can't you can't fucking give money away right? That's why we're not rich you you fucking me and you both tip 20 at the seller every now and then Now it's money. We give away every fucking night on cabs and fucking tips I know I mean we all I tip 20 25% every time I do. Yeah like I'm loaded. Yeah you know people will rich fucking tip what you're supposed to tip and walk away and if it shitty service they tip less. Oh yeah. I still tip fucking 20% of the shitty

because I'm a fucking guilt-ridden white trash. I don't want you. You don't want to wait if I don't like you. Yeah it's fucking awful. It's like now. I'm a good guy But your show I saw it It was fucking great. Well, I had a Thank you, but I mean I had a friend Jim no one who said it was good So I was pretty blown away. Haha did he say it was good? I mean he said on the radio show that they said it was good But then I said it was fucking great and then he changed it to great that phony

But the thing is I don't hold on to it. No, I fucking, a month ago. You're in my house doing a podcast on an iPhone. What are you talking about? You don't hold on to it. The phony basil, she was good. First of all, let me tell you what good is. Right. Good is saw too. Is your fucking, yeah yeah is your fucking Leno shots

That my show cock sucker Listening cock sucker listen good, no, you don't fucking tell me good great you little fuck Don't bite your finger you pass out Dude it was great. It was fucking awesome. But how long did it take you to write this thing? A long time. How was it?

I wrote it. You know, like I said, there's some parts of it that are three years old, four years old. Then the other stuff, I wrote it last summer. I did it in the fall. I took Wednesday nights for free. Once again, I'd gov'nness and the brokerage. They said, just brought in the crowd,

and I just worked it out for like five weeks there. Then I did it at Gotham a full week and worked it out there, whatever little I could. Then rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, and rewrite, and rewrite. And now it's, you know, because I mean, it took a lot more, but you know, it's like anything else.

Every time you do one of those, I learn something about writing. Not that I, that's ever translated into money in a way, but at least I understand certain things. I feel like I understand things about writing, you know, I mean, to a certain point, you're like, all right, so what? But it's, you know what I mean, it's good to know.

It's, this is all just preparing myself for me being a miserable old Irish man sitting there typing away all these scripts Sitting in my house just writing and scripts to piss everybody off and I'm sitting my house giggling to myself as I cause like Wow, why don't you stop writing novels? I do want to write novels watch you write novels. Why don't you go? Just listen to what you do. I would like to get a house up in fucking Roscoe, New York, for like fucking eight grand, right on a river. Yes. Right?

You can start smoking again, cigars. Oh, no, no. Let me take a big piece of the thing I want to say, I'll never dilute myself that I want cigars again. If I still smoke in the end, it's a rails. No, but you're going to bite the filter off. No, I'm just going to smoke those. No, no. All right, let off now. I'm just gonna smoke those All right, let's do it to go as I was trying to ignore the inevitable. Oh, I was joking

But now I see the fucking looking your eye. I don't want to listen stuff. I know I know it's bad No, you know why you just today I was it fantasized and this is how sick we are as we know you know, yeah compulsions He's like I was fantasized to ask like if I took this show To Europe, you know comedy yeah, the Europe in the Middle East. Oh, it's a fight to the show for Europe in the Middle East It's six months. We yeah, I would just smoke yeah, you got a smoke in Europe. That's what I was thinking You have to drink coffee and little cups All I was thinking was everybody else their smokes fuck that dude when I went to fucking Amsterdam for the first time I got a beret I would sit out in cafes and just smoke and drink little cups of coffee and write like

Journal notes. That's so fun. I was a hunk of shit Great, but meanwhile tell people the true hunk of shit. He's in Amsterdam and he has an opportunity to do comedy at the time, uncharted territories. Bobby gets an opportunity with another friend of us to do comedy in India. Yeah. Yeah, it was supposed to go to India for a month. It was around, I think, $15,000 each. And all we had to do is write our jokes out word for word and mail them to the lady because there's sensor police in India.

Yeah, jokes they do, you know, jokes you do in your life. Try to make right about word for. Make sure it's not about, you know, you know, say any degrading shit about Indians and the government. Right. And God, it makes me happy. First of all, if you heard that thump, that was Collins fat watermelon head smashing against my countertop. I'm by the way the other night I say about my curves getting out of me out. Yeah.

His guy set up put curtains up and he said what are they room darkening or just room darkening curtains but he put them up the wrong way so that when you open the door and the door the window the window can't open so if you open three inches and that's it that's it but if you open it all the way the curtain rod came off and hit you and you fucking had it crack me in the head and I was knocked out because I woke up I was sitting on my bed like a two-year-old kid on my ass on my bed just sitting there like it was legitimately knocked out yeah like you know like I had that dang you know when you get knocked.

Yeah. Well you just hit dang. And I mean, well if I saw you before you came in my apartment tonight, I probably would have fucking sucked a bunch of you too. You have an umbrella. You have a clear. It's raining out tonight. First of all, I don't care if it was fucking hailing out.

You have a clear umbrella that when you open it, it's a bubble, like those little, like a 12 year old Japanese girl. That's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. You're a grown man from Brooklyn, okay? Folks, you have to see my fair lady. Did you have a bubble umbrella? That's how we do it on Broadway.

The umbrella that you can put over your head and still see through it and walk down the street. It really, you know what? It's funny because being clear, my assistant, we bought two of those bubble umbrellas, just started raining. And I'm sitting there, I'm going to some umbrellas great, and she, you know, she was saying it too.

And she never even said to me, hey, you know what? Yeah. Kyle, I work for you. You look kind of fruity, you know. You might want to get something else eventually. She's let me walk away with it. Yeah, I'm probably laughing. It's probably laughing yourself. If you're a man, your umbrella shouldn't cover your shoulders. Okay? con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, rincones de película y un sin fin de aventuras te esperan. ¡Fli-parás! Vuelas desde Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros.

Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com. Pero, gájate, ¿sí? Pero, ¿cómo te va? Bueno, pero, yo quiero ir a la película, porque, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, show because you I mean it's so hard to you know you do comedy but I saw your show and when you do these one-man shows I saw it when you were kind of still kind of looking at the teleprompter yeah but it was still fucking great and now you totally off the teleprompter yeah right but you're still adding new stuff into the show sure okay so you're still writing as you go because you have to put new stuff into it right I saw your press conference with Anderson Cooper and Jerry and I never thought I'd

say this but thank God for Jerry. But, uh, what was the name? Enzyl Bory. You looked at some points like you were going to pull out a knife and cut everybody's throat. Like you were way you planned this moment for fucking 30 years. Like you plan this moment for 30 years, and this was it, and you were looking off and you're a little beady eyes when they get beady and shiny and you squint, and you're just somewhere else, and I know that look. Usually that look is followed by you chasing me

down a hallway and punching me in the head, right? Anderson Cooper was talking at one point, I saw you looking off and not even looking at him. Nobody looking at it and I thought, this is one that, this is one that Buck knife comes out and it snaps and you slice and slice and you just fuck it. Yeah. And then you take a gun and write your mouth. Like that, like that, my idol was, what's the face is that?

Bjork's ex-boyfriend, the guy that loved Bjork. Why would he do? No matter what he was, the ex-boyfriend the guy that loved Bjork? Why, what do you do? No matter what he was, no ex-boyfriend was the guy that loved him. No, I don't know. What a Pezzle Veyyyy years ago, no. He shaved his head, big guy, and his on camera was one of the early, great videos, one of the early great YouTube's, and he's like, Bjork, I love you, and I don't know the problem.

Really? Dr. Scott has gotten his mountain bluest brains out. Really? Like 1998. Jesus Christ. Yeah, he was a real. He was a real Hey, I got get the balls to commit suicide just over Bjork. Oh my god I mean shit a couple of songs, but Jesus Christ a couple of songs feel a little weird out

Yeah, I'm saying this guy was obviously over Madonna or fucking right over somebody lady Gaga. It's okay How much do you love by the way speaking of Madonna? I wonder whatever I was just thinking about this the other day. Hot bodyguard. Remember the guy was stalking her who now He's just got out of jail. I think he's ordered to say away from the get I love when they give you order of protection the piece of paper that actually says hey I really am not love the one thing that keeps the guy from killing you is the fact that he's diluted the You love him and then he has actual proof you don't love me. Yeah that's great.

But this body got a bad downed, this guy broke in the house in badanas ballet while she was there. And he got all the way to the pool. Right. Which our house is right now. I mean you know it was real. And this body got shot them. And the guy didn't even go down the first time. It was like a real cycle.

Really? And the body was like a big guy and he said it was like freaky scared of him. And the guys just lying there like, hey, you shot me. You know what I mean? Like he is. You stole the cons. But anyway, what if happens to a body girl like that?

Does she pay him a million bucks or? No. She probably gives him a fucking bracelet or something. Maybe a fucking, no, she gives, she gives him some of her old Hugo boss stuff. She got some free. Ha, ha, ha, ha. She just comes. She comes out one day and he has rims. She gives him some of her old Hugo boss stuff she got for free She just comes you comes out one day any he has rims and embroidered seats

On her car Isn't that funny yeah, it really is he shot the guy yeah fuck you know what dude? I tell you what it's fucking tonight. I You want to carry a gun man? No, I don't carry I would wouldn't know because I would have fucking what if I'd shoot I don't I don't want shit. I don't want shit, dude I got a fucking long way against the wall though, huh? It's great. Yeah It's suck. You know what sucks about it is I I fucking go to therapy every fucking week Yep, and this cock sucker. You know what I mean? It's like I just I was leaving for a month. I was excited and now I got this shit to go on my brain

But he did push it. Yeah, he fucking sucks You were trying to keep it calm and then the guy, you know Now you just drunk man. It fucking alcohol, bro. It's the gotta be the worst. Yeah, it's gotta be the worst Harrowing and I coke I get it, but fucking alcohol because it's like food. It's acceptable Yeah, it's acceptable and everywhere you go. And it's forced on you. It's fucking crazy, man. Comedy clubs and alcohol are just so combined. It's impossible.

Yeah, I mean, kids underage, you know when you kids are not like, yeah, my first drink underage, I went to a comedy club. Yeah. It's like it's just the way it is. But people are fucking drunk and it's like, how do you, how do you expect it to listen? Yeah. Imagine if people can't be your show, you have to think your music show. Oh, so it's like it's just the way it is. But people are fucking drunk and it's like how do you how you expected to listen? Yeah, imagine if people can't be your show you have to your own show shit-faced. Yeah, you'd be fucking a mess. Yeah. It'd be a mess. My theater's fucking great. I told you the one night the uh the one night

the routing is when uh in between each of my segments. Yeah, you hear. Yeah, Colin. What? I'm like, uh in between the other little segments. Yeah, you hear. Yeah, Colin. What? I'm like, in between the other's little segments. Yeah, go Colin. If you think go. So finally I go. Hey guys, it's a big section of you guys. You know, it's not the Jets game. Yeah. It was not the Jets game, which was a mistake because then you hear J E T S Judge Judge Judge Oh, of course after the show who is it? Oh my cousins. Did you cousins? I hear about your family loud and drunk and it's but here's the thing. It's my cousins more my age dad And they were their sons and the sons are like mellow and the fathers are being wrapped. Oh, yeah And they're fucking probably shit face to rise but the sons are like my dad's being a little loud. We were trying to listen to

this. Oh, I'm like, wow. Fucking I say. But you're fucking crazy when it comes to play. Your family's a little crazy. Yeah. Well, I'll get it. Oh, fuck it. Let's be honest. Tim, I mean, finally cut his hair. I didn't recognize him. Remember, do you remember? They were mocking said to you. We go this. What? What? What? What? My aunt the next day. No, what? Oh're dead removers of you hey Tim what are you doing he goes yeah I'm going home my hands gonna go get a tits cut off tomorrow he's gonna he's gonna be in a bit psyched to me and you got all nice Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fucking turn your act into a one-man show. How does it get Jerry to put up a lot of money? You can get Dane to put up the money. He just won his case. His brother, his brother, I can talk to you.

Thank God. His brother, uh, fucking pled guilty to all 33 counts. Wow. It's over. And what's his brother, he's gonna maybe go over five to six. Wow. In the jail that he used to be regarded. Now wait a minute. What's gonna maybe we'll go five to six. Wow! In the jail that he used to be a garden. Now wait a minute. What's gonna happen? They don't put them in. They will go in the population. But yeah, he fucking finally.

So now he has to do a civil suit and all that stuff. Get the money back. So the paper's yesterday. He's all fucking done. Boy, that's a tough break, huh? That's one guy entrusted. One mother's fucking. Yeah?

entrusted one guy and I got screwed. Well, you know, it's crazy, man. Imagine being fucking just, you know, Jesus Christ. I mean, you're a good friend of mine, but if you put me in charge of fucking millions of dollars, I know. I might take more than a cab once in a while.

Of course, but I'm saying, I mean, I understand when I bought 10 to there, but you're just like, oh, I was like, and I was one of the, I was cab once in a while of course, but I'm saying I mean I understand when I bought tender There but you still go I was like and I was one of the I was on the most honest bartenders But if I was broke or desperate guy, you know, I need my cigarette money in there. Yeah, yeah, you know I mean of course, but it's like there's a big difference between cigarette money and a cab and fucking yeah Brother, no, yeah, it's he paying him not well. No, he's paying him dude. He was paying him good Dude, he was a fucking guard in a prison. I know now he's home. He's got ak. Was he paying him not well? No, he was paying him, dude, he was paying him good. Dude, he was a f**kin' guard in a prison. I know.

Now he's home, he's got a home, he's got cars. He's paying him good money, dude. I love Dane. He's paying him doctor money. I love Dane. Yeah. Well, let me explain to myself that that's when you always know that guy's going after you.

He says he loves me. I know. I love Dane. But if I'm his brother in law, his brother, his head brother, step brother. Yeah. And he's paying me. And I see how much money he's making, people throwing themselves at him, dain, dain, dain, dain, they almost brushing by me hitting my shoulder, the past by, and

I wait a day, and then he's like, hey man, you know, if he's paying me good money, but he never lets me, he's talking about his brother, he's talking about me, no, I see him, and then he's like, hey bro. I'm paying you good money So you know keep snapping at get out there and sell those shirts and pat me on the back a little too hard Couple of hundreds going in my pocket Hey, I used to sell t-shirts you did yeah, we used to rob Concert t-shirts really oh just to show you how old I am. Frampton early frampton.

Frampton's first big album. Who's frampton? Peter Frampton. I know it would be. Big album of his. Of course he's still a Nash. No, he's not young ones anyway. They made those t-shirts by hand like one guy painting them all.

That's so true. It's true, between campaign and t-shirt. Yeah. And yeah, grateful dead. We do a bunch of concerts. Jesus Christ. That's true. It's true, between campaign and t-shirts. And, yeah, grateful dad. We do a bunch of concerts. It's crazy. Yeah, a few different people. But anyway, we used to sell those damn t-shirts

at concerts, and we'd rob the hell out of it. But the guys, they brought us a robbing each other so they barely noticed. But we just beat all the money and we had on one friend who was like, oh, lead us. He's like, yeah, throw the money in there and fuck them all I go, yeah, bye. No, I never, I'm not a a I used to thief when I was drinking now but once I got sober I never

fucking I never started drinking I never I never saw I read there's something about fucking stealing that I feel shitty yeah I just feel I feel like the karma if you believe in fucking negative and positive energy yeah that shit sure you believe in that shit it works right you know I mean like you do something good and good shit comes back to us soon but it's saying with bad if I do something bad immediately it's too fucking bad for me to it still it keeps happening yeah you know you know the sins are less than stealing it still happens all the time yeah I can't fucking steal dude I don't know why fucking makes me feel like shit but I'm just saying if I'm dating step brother and Danes clap me on the back on get out there and sell those shirts buddy boy

Get to it. Yeah, but you didn't even have to do that anymore They do it did it was so easy. He got to stay home and fucking manages bills. He's just got greedy Yeah, man. He's that fucking money. I you know, it's just crazy. Money's a crazy motherfucking thing Yeah, yeah, I mean you come from, you know, it's just crazy. Money's a crazy motherfucking thing Yeah, what do you not even do man? I mean you come from you know, both you I mean they started together I mean they mean when you first hired him couldn't you know, you wasn't making all right money but not great money But you know, he took him out of the fucking jail and I'm getting that job man, and you know, it's just fucking crazy It sucks, but it's all over which is now he's gonna go to civil and fuck you guys can't go to jail for five years That's pretty heavy. You probably do two two or three. It's already been in for two. No shit

Almost to almost to unbelievable. He's been in the fucking jail so for almost two years So dang it higher when he comes back out now. Yeah, that'd be a fucking piss I did let it just calls him up dude come on back to work See you out of jail. That's not I'll take that you guys got an interesting book to write though from jail god to jail No, the guy the guy don't fucking announce that you write it. That would have been your first novel from jail guard I'm up in rosco, New York You know I like this I could have come on fly fishing. I like that I know you grow a beard dude. No. Why?

You're gonna have a beard if you're gonna write novels. I want to be one of those crummy bastards that shaves. And you're like, what is that old fuck ball that is shaves? You're already that. You have to turn into something. Oh, you have to be something else. Oh, you have to be something else. Oh, you have to grow beard.

Okay. Fucking get some flannels. Oh, the fact that you teacup matches your tattoo. Shut the fuck up. It does not match my tattoo. Fuck, it does kind of match my tattoo. This is the same kind of color you have. You have a tattoo. It's the same design. Tell people what your tattoo. I don't have a tattoo. Do I? Do you have one? No. How you trying to just improv with me? Yeah.

I was just trying to see if you had one. I was just trying to show everybody. You would? What would you get if you had a chest of the age? Wait, wait, you didn't get tattoos. I was just missed it. I know exactly what tattoo you'd get. What?

It would be a fucking shamrock with a fist. Oh, no, the shamrock with the Irish guy. With the boxer. Or the... Yes, I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. What would be a fucking shamrock with a fist? Oh No, the shamrock with the Irish guys with the boxer or the

Yes, I would love that one. Yes, that's actually Steve Burns's logo, but the Irish guy is an Asian It's an Asian leprechaun Doing a kung fu. No, but no with the fists. It should be the fist and a kung fu kick She read it should have been. That was this fucking sticker that he used to pass out of the shows. Oh no. I charge people for that sticker. No, give it away.

How's this brother doing? Remember we visited brother when I arrived? I think he's no good. His father still sends me emails about fucking, you know, he's a fucking diehard Republican about, you know, he's so great. He does all this stuff. He sends me. He says me good stuff about the troops and then fucking ridiculous liberal shit and what is the son now?

What is the other Sunday? Oh, no, he's out of the army. I think he started did stand up for a minute and I don't know what he's doing now You're so merchant Steve Berks. He shows yeah, right That'd be good. Yeah, that'd be good fucking The fuck what is he gonna steal a dollar That's I tell you what though you avoided you don't have a CD no just fucking ridiculous You don't have a DVD you never did an hour. No, I don't know how you get what I try to do an hour when I always wanted to do one is just didn't want me to do Oh, you mean I'm gonna talk about CD. I know I've never done anything right you've never done anything on tape

No, nothing out there on just me with my mullet from 1992. Yeah, yeah, there's stuff there's tough crowd stuff on YouTube There's fucking you want to remote control my mullet. There's your mullet. There's your fucking going back to Brooklyn the worst Fucking parody of any I mean god damn it. I you know what weird aliega bitches hair fell away What a fucking asshole. Oh, what an asshole Just an asshole. Huh? All right, hang on say we're gonna start in the year 23 still I don't care if it was fucking There's no time that would have been good. You had a fucking can go on

You're ranked in some fucking convertible go and back to Brooklyn to Brooklyn to fucking convertible going back to Brooklyn to Brooklyn to Brooklyn going back to Brooklyn. What was the last part? I don't think so. I don't think so. Oh god dammit. Watching that every time I see it on YouTube I watch it every once in a while just to fucking just to fucking like get angry and frustrated to just motivate myself to be better. That's awful. Oh it's good for that., it's good for that. Yeah, it's good for that. Hang on. So we're going to end this podcast right now because it's a two-part.

We're going to end this podcast. I got to go and get a debate. All right, hang on one second. One second. I got to end it at 40 minutes. Yeah. That's 42 minutes. All right, we're going to end it and then come back real quick and wrap it up.

Okay. It's going to be a two-part. So this is part one of Colin Quinn on the You Know What Dude podcast Good Stop talking We're wrapping it up. It was over. It's no. I told you we're wrapping it up. Stop talking. I'm trying to the music comes up you Stop tapping.