Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me and Gary Gulman

Episode Date: August 29, 2011

Robert sits down with comedian Gary Gulman Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Glory Hall Radio Network, gloryhawradio.com I'm stuck in the morning, I'm on you know what I need My name is Roxanne Roxanne Hey, what's up? This is Robert Kelly and I am doing, you know what dude, podcast. I'm here with a very close friend of mine for years, almost my whole comedy career. And even closer in the latter years. Gary Gullman, Mr. Gary Gullman. From Torgasm, Gary Gullman. What's up? I always like to think that I started a year and a half or so after you and then

That's how I explained to myself why you're Far ahead of me. Oh these guys are far ahead of me. It was the year and a half It was the year and a half that Dan Cook had over me. Can I just let him do so? I do the same thing. Yeah, I do the same thing with the I have a year and a half to two years of acting that I pulled out. Oh, okay. So yeah, we were talking about that today. You didn't get that at all? Like, oh, I was out for two.

I was like, oh, I'm out for two. Oh, I see some track from that. I love the guys. Well, for the first 11 years of comedy, I only did it once a month. Right, yeah. And that's why you're ahead of me. I came up with Dane, but you know,

yeah, then we diverged. Well, I kinda did. your head I came up with Dane but you know yeah then we diverged well I kind of did sure I kind of did but it was Dane's fault he told me to stop doing comedy or he was gonna leave on the monkeys oh my gosh but Gary man I'm really glad I got you on the podcast. I've been doing this for a while now. And, you know, me and you, dude, we've been through so many stages of my career together in your career, but, you know, it's been a constant evolving, like, anchor, you know, friendship in my life. You know what I mean? And people kind of get weirded out that we're friends

Like I'll tell people that I'm friends with you and Gary and like he's one of my favorite people on the planet Earth and People like really like they can't imagine us to remember what Colin Quinn said about our friendship now What Robert you can never be friends with Gary because Gary is a winner Shit, and I wish you know, I was just the only time I wish there's a real radio show so we could have a stupid PA call him up right now Just fucking dare you you And that's why he shouldn't be friends with me So I'm just above a loser. Oh But you friends with me. Right. Because I'm just above a loser. Oh.

But you, me and you started out together. Yes. I started a little before you a year and a half. Or so. I mean, my first show was October 8th, 1993. Okay, that's so fun of you have stats. Oh yeah. And every October 8th, I celebrate it.

Really? Yeah. October 8th is my birthday. No way. Yeah. That's interesting because it was essentially my birthday. Was that dramatic? That was very dramatic.

And now- Because I never felt alive until I was on stage. That'd mean either. I never felt alive until October 8th. Yeah, right. So October 8th was our birth But here's a deal dude. We can meet at least you humanly you have to You have now you can never forget my birthday right and if you do I'll be fucking It's funny because I always put on the calendar birth of a superstar, but I because I always put on the calendar birth of a superstar, but I...

How do it was for me? You were talking about somebody else. Yeah. I was talking about somebody else. I was talking about Mr. Robert Kelly, a superstar. Well, we met back in Beentown at Nick's comedy stop. I think it was the first time I saw you. Yeah.

You came in really tall, really good looking, really big. Yeah. And you went on stage. And we, I don't think we talked really. No, we'd say hello. You were a friendly guy, but we came from two different worlds. That's the weird thing from, in comedy, is that you grew up a criminal, it sounds like, and I was like a guy who played by every rule.

I mean, I wouldn't even steal a pencil from a teacher or anything like that. I'd give it back at the end of the class and from what we discussed today. Pencils were nothing to you. No, nothing. Nothing. You would steal a pencil and not even bat an eyelash. I used to steal everything. But I wasn't this is the thing too, is I wasn't a real criminal because I did have a heart like I wouldn't you know, I had a hard time doing a real crime. I did real crime, but I was really forced into it. But my crime, you know, my type of stuff

was going into your backyard and stealing a ceramic owl. Right, lawn furniture. Yeah, and then selling it and selling it. And selling it. And selling it. Yeah, like I would sell, I would hit you, but it wouldn't hurt you. Right. It would be like, where's my fucking, where's my drill?

Where the fuck is my drill? You know, the fucking deli owner down the street had it. Yeah, you were a criminal with a contract. I was almost Robin Hood. I was helping the guy at the deli, you know, fixed that wall that needs to be fixed. Yeah. So he didn't get shut down. Right.

Because then if he shut down, the bakery might lose business. They might fucking shut down. I love it. The way you were able to rationalize it. But you mean you became friends. One that we were talking and you needed a job. Yeah. Which flipped me out. Because you know, you were, you went to fucking, what would you go to call? I went to Boston College. I have an accounting degree and I was working as an accountant. And then I got, I got turned go to college? I went to Boston College, I have an accounting degree, and I was working as an accountant, and then I got turned on to the life of comedy, and I lost that job because of my lack of doing it well. I was very bad at it, because I was doing shows

to late at night, and then coming into work the next day, late, tired, and the whole thing is, you kill on stage, and then you have to go to this job when nobody really thinks you're very special and it's painful. So I was doing that and then all of a sudden I didn't have a job and I was able to live off my severance for a little while and then that ran out and I sort of started over again as a waiter. I had never waited tables long.

I was working. You came to me and you were like I'm looking for a waiter. I had never waited tables. Well, I was working. You came to me and you were like, I'm looking for a job and I worked at this Italian restaurant. Yeah. In Boston, it was at Nick's upstairs. Yeah. And I go, dude, I get you a job. Yeah. Because I got every, I got to all the job there.

I would get a lot of, you know, because people, you know, a friend of mine got me the job and over in Brookline, at the new restaurant, and you came in, you applied, I applied in the next day, and they gave me the job and I was able to turn it into, sometimes between 45 and 65 dollars a day. A day and you were the tallest waiter ever, and a terrible waiter, slow, nervous,

you're very nervous, and hunched over. Yeah, yeah. You had to bend completely in half. Yeah. To take somebody's order. You know, way too tall. But then you got to hang of it after a while. Yeah. You got to hang of it.

And then, uh, Now do the people know that you met your wife at this, at this restaurant? I'm gonna talk about my wife. Oh, yes. She's not a man's daughter. No. No, they don't.

I actually, well, I didn't meet her at the restaurant. Not the original restaurant that we worked at, but that club got closed down because they couldn't get a liquor license. Right. I met, I actually met my wife at a Joey Maria's wedding, which the restaurant used to cater. Oh, wow.

Yeah, I went in one night to drop off some chicken palm. And she was there waiting to do the Joey Maria's wedding. She was a performer. No, she was she was catering catering for You were dropping off some yeah, and then you remember that joke scaring people Yeah, you remember the way you go up to the car window. Yeah, out of red light Yeah, and you sneak up and they don't even know. Hit to the 90s, yeah. That was a huge hit for Robert Kelly. And she came out of the place,

her and her friend Jodie. Jodie was a little older. Remember Jodie? She had a nice body, but she had a face like a fucking cartoon character, a cartoon bird. I don't know, I'm sure if I saw her, I would remember the cartoon bird, but they pulled up the red light, I'm sure if I saw her, I would remember the cartoon bird, but she, they pulled up the red light,

I went up and I scared the fuck out of them. And then I walked over, I go, we should go out, we should go for coffee. Wow. Dude, man, it was when I was hot, too. It was so hot. Yeah, I was hot back then. Yeah.

I was really hot. And I was like, we should go for coffee, like I was a situation. I was dead of fucking reality show back then. I would have been a... The funniest. None of those guys are funny, Bob. You're a funny, funny off stage.

Yeah, those, well, yeah, they're not funny, but they're fucking entertaining, fucking losers. But I was both, I was a psychopath, that fucking get into a fight, and I joke around a little, oh, hide a sense of humor. Funny, funny guy. But then you, we would actually after work,

I jump on my motorcycle, you jump in your car, we go downtown Boston, cigar place. We had a few hours in between work and the open mic or whatever we were trying to get on. And we would smoke cigars, drink coffee, talk about comedy, and then go to a place that nine times out of ten, not enough people showed up to do a show. And we wouldn't even wind up doing a show and we would just hang out, maybe go back to

here, run past rumours, run into apartment, and drink, and drink whatever the grocery store's name was, that cola, whatever, Shaws Cola, yeah. Presley, I just couldn't even afford Coca Cola. Yeah, we had that shit apartment, just a shit apartment. Put a great balcony, and we would sit out there

and talk comedy, we talk comedy, and we talk comedy a lot. Yeah, and we became really good friends, and we talk comedy a lot. Yeah. And we became really good friends. And then I figured what happened? What did you move or did I move? You moved. You moved.

I moved. Yeah. You moved to New York first. Okay. And I continued to do the local scene in Boston. And I became a middle act, which goes up before the headliner. Right. And I worked on my jokes. And so you were about a year and a half or so ahead of me to New York.

But I remember staying with you at an apartment in 97th Street. Yeah. That was Billy Burr's apartment. Yeah, Billy Burr's apartment. He actually let me move in. But you weren't there when I first got there and I just you had left me the key I went in there. I fell asleep and then you roommate a cane came in and I didn't I didn't know who he was it was just a black man who walked into your apartment one day and I called you up And I said hey, I didn't know the I thought Billy Burr was your roommate and you said well who's there?

And I told you and you said, he's not supposed to be there. Get him out. You made me think that he was an intruder. I did not do that because that's the... Yeah. Yeah, I'll key in. We couldn't understand him.

Me and Billy would just laugh when he laughed like a soundtrack. He was a really nice guy though. Great guy. A keen was a fucking great guy because he let, he let Billy who subletted from him like a space. Okay. He let him, he let him sublet it to me. Wow. Because Billy was in LA shooting townies.

Yeah. And he would come up once in a while, but to keep the pad, you know, he, I paid most of the rent. And then when he came home, I would just hit the couch. Do you remember what the rent was? 325. Oh my God. Oh my God. But it did go up. It went up to, it went up. I got a little expensive. I went to 350. You can make that in a weekend of doing spots. I can make that panhandling. Right. Yeah, I could

sell shaved ice one day a week. Oh, that's fantastic. And 97th and what was it? 97th and Lex. One block away from the projects. And one block away. That one block. Imagine when you could have gotten in for it and been in block up. That's a bit of a 210.

We had to do a laundry at the projects though. In the basement. Oh wow. Which I loved. I fucking loved it. I loved sitting on the stoop and looking down to the crack. We used to crack that.

We used to take a shit. We used to do a lot of talking on that stoop. You pronounced it stoop. Stoop. Which is also a Yiddish word which means to fuck, stoop. And the other thing that I always tell people is that wherever I've lived in New York City, you hooked up there at every section.

There's not a place I can tell you I've either either had a meal or lived where you can't tell me what position and what nationality the girl you hooked up with. You're like a salmon. You know exactly where you got laid and you could take me back there at any point. And sometimes I'm going to go back there and die. Where are you living, Gare? I'm at 39th and 2nd. I once bent a Puerto Rican chick over a railing

in a balcony. She only had one foot. Dude, she only had one foot. I still have an Indian chick. Eat my ass over there. Fucking these village. I did bang a lot of brods. You know the worst fuck I ever had?

Tell me. Israeli girl. Really? Worst lay ever. So bad. And I came out of the cellar one night, and this happened to me many times. I come off stage and there'd be a girl there

who saw me before and they would come when they saw me on the show and wait in the hallway. And I came off one night and she's like oh she went oh my god I'm she had an Israeli accent she goes I think you're so funny and I walked up you do do you and I walked up and I just started kissing it wow just started making out with it oh my god you're like Robert Goulet back then I was fucking wow so we So we hooked up, we started, I need like an invitation and sign a contract

before I do something like that. I wanna make sure, yeah, I wanna make sure that I don't get charged with something. You just start kissing. I walk off stage. I had your balls. Oh my gosh. And then we, I remember we would,

when we fucked for the first time. I thought it was just her being nervous. So I think the second time, dude, she would just, her rhythm was off. Like she didn't know how to fuck. Wow. It's beautiful, dude. I'm talking thin waist. Big tits.

Small tits. Really? Not really? Women usually have. Not really big tits, but. Go on heights. Beautiful, huge booty But like not fat not yeah, just these beautiful booty. Yeah beautiful eyes beautiful. Oh my gosh. She's really gorgeous

Yeah, but she sucked Wow, I mean where I would get aggra one time. I remember going I eat I'm gonna be yelling at her going Come on I'm gonna be yelling at her going, come on! Let's go, move your fucking hips. Wow. Like that back. What are you doing? Yeah, almost to that point.

Oh, it's infuriating. I feel so fucking aggravated. And that's why I stopped seeing her because it was just, it sucked. It sucked. Did I, oh man, she was so hot. And a roommate's were hot. It was just a great little, she lived in the East Village.

I used to fuck you. She just wasn't your speed. She would have been right up my alley. I couldn't talk. I'd love to date in Israel again. Couldn't fuck yeah, I was excited. Of course. She had a gun for two years.

Of course, not only like a Jewish woman, like Israeli Jewish woman, that's a different thing. She's sure you've had you share of Jewish woman Yes, I have I have I used to bang a Jewish brud right across here from the seller Jew brod Jew brod Right across here from the cell. She had an awesome one better apartment So I do my spots on night hang out and then I go meet her over there, and I get to sleep, you know, and stay over. I mean, we were outside of her night, so I'd go all the way back up to 97. Oh, 96.

God, dude. That fucking six train was the worst, because I couldn't afford a cab all the time back then. So I'd have to wait that next time. To me, getting a cab is like going to a prostitute. Only if it's been, yeah, very rarely late. We're out going to prostitutes, but I don't use a cap anymore, but I share those. It's the worst part of it. I could get laid by regular chicks all the time and I'd still go to a whore. Really? And I was just some about it. Yeah. Some about the hunt.

Is it true that they don't kiss you? Is that it? Or is that just a pretty woman thing? Oh, no, that's you don't want to kiss a prostitute. You don't want to, is that it was just a pretty woman thing. Oh, none, that's... You don't want to kiss a prostitute. You don't want to, but I have like hot ones, like, you know, like blue chip hookers and Vegas. How much would that be for a blue chip? Five bills. $500? Cash, right?

Yeah, but I'd never paid it. I had somebody pay for it. I tell you a funny story. Girl knocks in my door. She's gorgeous. I mean, just a regular looking chicken, jeans and a cool shirt. And I thought she was a fan. And she comes in and we talk and never make that mistake. Yeah, she's somebody recognizes you. Well, I was in my room out of school. I'm in my room, right?

Right. Right. I'm thinking they sent her out, but whatever. She comes in, dances, takes her clothes off, she starts dancing, I start dancing. Oh, then I want to go. How are you with dancing? You have a pretty good rhythm? No, no moves. I got some moves. I think I could have been a dancer dancer,

like Fumidana. Right, that's what I thought. I'm not kidding. No, I believe that. I'm not, I have, you have the and and rhythm. I don't have the courage That's what I'm lacking. Oh, yeah, I used to dance at all the weddings when I was a kid Oh, I was like a little hit and I would you know they would pay me They can be done yeah, cuz I made the wedding cuz cute little Bobby was out there doing Danny Tario moves

Oh, but um, I remember I got this girl who broke your spirit. I got hang on me to The Billy matchington I Yeah, I used to be very entertaining at weddings till my brothers broke my spirit. Yeah, there's somebody always the fuck In sekipe in your place. Yeah, don't be so obnoxious. Yeah, you face. Yeah, I write kid. Yeah, you know It's funny and funny and then I was somebody. Yeah, I write kid. Yeah, you know, it's funny and funny and then all of a sudden somebody, yeah, all of a sudden you start to stand out. I went down on this girl, because I liked her,

and I kissed her, made out with her, and I went down and made her have an orgasm. Wow, the guy called up and goes, how did that girl come up? I go, yeah, she was awesome. I'm gonna hang out later, and he goes, I go, yeah, dude, he goes, did you fuck her?

I go, no. Wait, who's the guy? The guy who booked the gig. Oh, okay. He goes, did you fuck her? I go, no he goes did you fuck her I go no wait who's the guy the guy who booked the gig? Oh, okay He goes did you fuck her I go no my I like her. He's like dude. She's a whore. Oh Cost me five bills you didn't know I go no I went down on it because you went down on it you fucking it is oh Yeah, oh gosh, that's horrible. Yeah, so sad. Yeah, it was like I like her Yeah, I like her. I like her.

She was smoking. I see you didn't abandon your entire life. Support her and just talk yourself into it. How did you? That's the thing. Let's get into this, dude. You go to LA. Yeah.

From Boston, I don't go to New York. I lived on Joe Madarisa's couch in Queens, a story of Queens. For how long? For three months, $325 a month. See, bonus couch in Queens, which is right about what you paid for Billy Burr's apartment in New York. But how did you get to, I mean, you went into New York and became successful.

No. Wait a minute. No. What happened, dude? I was getting the comedy I was getting the comedy seller food spots. Okay. I was going at one o'clock in the morning or whatever. I get in a food spot and then I stopped getting any spots anywhere and I really yeah because I wasn't doing that well at that at that hour. I just my act wasn't strong enough. So I went back to

Boston because I could always get on stage there and I think I remember sitting on the stoop one night and we had this Conversation we like I'm thinking to go back to Boston now. I'll tell you exactly what happened because I remember that stoop Okay, all right, so I'd been in Boston for about a year working on my shit And I finally got to a point where I felt like I know what I'm doing now. I'm gonna go back to New York, and this comedy manager set up an audition for me, right? At the old Gotham comedy club, and I bombed so hard,

and then ever, ever bombed, you run through your act so fast that there's several minutes left at the end and the hosts Try to have a social life during the show, right? So then nowhere to be found, right? So you so I'm I mean this probably never happened to you But dude, it's happened to me. Okay. All right, so I'm standing on stage with only my dick in my hand I got no more jokes left. I've run through my my two hours of material right for minutes Whatever you know how you some nights it takes my two hours of material for four minutes, whatever, you know how you, some nights it takes you two hours to do six minutes of material, other nights you run through

it in a minute, but the laughs and the audience and join you, you add a little thing here there. It just happened to me in Montreal, at the gala, not that I was doing bad, but I ran through the jokes, and it weren't laughing as long as they were at the seller in New York when I was sure. Practicing this stuff. So I got to eight minutes, I had two minutes left, I had to add the joke. jokes and they weren't laughing as long as they were at the seller in New York when I was sure practicing this

So I got to eight minutes. I had two minutes left. I had to add it. Oh, yeah, of course they got up a Professional and I knew what to do. Yeah, and I didn't panic. Yeah, but I have those three seconds in your head feel like Yeah, when you're trying to come up with the thing. No, I know. Yeah, it's usually the opposite but but here's the thing So I run through that Gregory Carey who was a Boston Comedian was the host I'm a bit I'm standing there and then 45 seconds at least I say oh he's not coming back. I better do another joke and of course that joke destroys and I meet with the guy who who had wanted to see me the manager and he's like so

We were supposed to go to dinner afterwards, talk him about my career, and he said, listen, I think you should go back to Boston for a couple of years. I'm working on your thing. A couple of years. Yeah, a couple of years here and a half, but two.

Rick Dorfman. He said a couple of years. Yeah, he's Rick the Dorf Dorfman. And then, so I went back to your place that night, and I was like, Bobby, I was devastated. I was devastated. I remember walking in a days into the traffic, just, you know, the taxi cabs whizzing by me as I'm like, oh, my one, you always think you only get one chance in this business.

Turns out they give you like 3,000. You get to blow 3,000 chances to fail at this. You only get one shot, kid. You get thousands of shots. Thank God. Thank God. This was my first one. So I want to we need all 1000 of those. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on 2998. So, so I go back to your place. You're probably out doing spots until four o'clock in the morning. Anyhow, we wake up the next day, we go out on the stoop and I'm like, I don't know what to do, I just,

I got completely obliterated last night. And I think I'm just gonna take his advice and go back to Boston for a couple of years. The thing was, is that I had another audition, the following week for Barry Katz's company, Maureen Tarrin, who was a partner with him, she was a woman manager, and I said, I don't know if I should go for it because I'm just gonna blow another one of my 3,000 opportunities, and you were like, dude,

dude, you're not going anyway. You're coming back, you're doing that spot, and you're not giving up and running with your tail between your legs back to Boston, you're not gonna run away from this. You know, you give me an awesome pep talk. You were like Mickey and Rocky. It was very typical, typical Robert. You've probably given me 60 of those, 60 of those this weekend.

These pep talks and I was, and you know, so then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna come back and I came back, I did the audition. That was like 1998, October, right about the time of my, that would have been my fifth anniversary of doing comedy. Right. And it was 1998 and I went back and did the audition, went on right after Jim Gaffigan.

This was before Gaffigan was huge, but he was the thing with Gaffigan back then. Not only did he have those funny weird jokes about manateatees and stuff like that he was also pretty dirty he was really really dirty fucking dirty and this was the Boston comedy club full and he killed and I'm like panicking I'm like even before gafferkin was huge nationally we all knew that this guy was a heavy hitter and everybody talked all you know ging in this J. He was just legendary already It's a dirty con he was really dirty and creepy creepy dirty like the horse fucker was one of his big jokes Yeah, that was his nickname back in Indiana. You can't escape your past. Welcome back horse fucker

You do one thing like stuff like that. So so I go on after him. I'm shaking I'm like here we go again. And for whatever reason, the collection of jokes worked. I was likable or whatever. The whole thing is we were probably never good early, but we were likable and we would do well. And so she called me that Monday. And she was like, I want to work with you. And within nine months of that date, where that guy told me to go back to Boston for two years, I got Letterman, Leno, Premium Blend, a development deal at Fox for a quarter million dollars.

And it was like, back then, because I did Montreal, that was the thing. I got Montreal later that year. And I went from living with my mom to having an apartment in LA within within a year of that. So it was just it was it was dramatic how quickly your life could change. It was crazy. That type of circumstances. I remember that. I remember you fucking shot. You had just gone, dude. You and then you were in LA. Yeah. For six years. You went to LA and you were with Barry Katz, who I was with Barry Katz, but not with Barry Katz.

I was with Mourin. I was with Mourin. Right, Mourin. I love Mourin. I love her. Love Mourin. But I wasn't, I was with Matt. I was kind of Matt's guy, but Matt was the booking guy

who wanted to be a manager. Yeah. And I was his first guy, me and Corielli. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. But then Corielli, yeah, he brought Corielli in and then but Corielli went with Maureen. Okay. Because Maureen was like, I like Pete and Pete was like, let me go over here. Yeah.

And I stuck with Matt. Nobody really liked me. Barry. I'm a Barry, Barry we were at the meeting and he goes, well, Matt's gonna be your guy. I go, no, that's the way I want it. I'm fine with that. And then I remember I booked a movie, two movies in a TV show of VJ for Burley Bear Network. That's right. It was an MTV VJ.

Yeah. And Harris worked there at Burley Bear too. Now she's one of the big dogs at Comedy Central. Wow. We did a Burley Bear tour. We did all this weird shit. But then the company broke up. They went to LA and you went with the big part of the company and I stayed in New York with Frosty.

Frosty was my manager all the way up until tourgasm. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that. And I remember I looked over at him and he's on the bus with Dane helping Dane do shit and he was like, you know, how to deal with Dane because he was Dane's agent. And I went, if he's Dane's agent and he's doing all know how to deal with things he was dating agent right and I went if he's Danes agent and he's doing all this shit what the what the fuck is he doing for me right now right as a Manager you know this can't work yeah and I had to talk with them and we brought up yeah there are So many conflicts of interest within management and and that was like even egregious for the nature of the business. Well, we

Me you went to LA me and you had a falling out, dude We had a fucking falling out for a while because you know, I was old school fucking You know Boston is a code. Yeah, that you keep you know and me and you were me and you got really tight you one of my I knew how, I don't know how to say it. You were just a solid guy. You had no bullshit. You had rules and regulations. You had a code too.

Yeah. And I remember when you went to LA, you were gone. And I remember hearing all this crazy shit about you. It was almost like, you were kind of successful in this business overnight. In nine months, but that's overnight. And you were in LA and then we stopped talking. We stopped talking.

And I don't know if it's after you got, no, I think it was before you got, you got last comic standing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think when I moved to LA, we didn't talk for a couple of years until you moved out there. And I just, you know, it, I didn't understand the comic life back then because I was coming from Boston

with Patrease and you and Dane, and we all kept in touch. But like, but people don't understand as civilians. You guys talk all the time. You have the same friends, pretty much your whole life or they evolve, but you talk every day. Oh, you're every week or you go to a barbecue, or you go to a bar or you see each other. The comics which I learned,

you go away for years, or you go away for months, and you don't talk. Yeah. And it's not that you don't like each other or fuck you. And this is my part, I'm gonna own. Right. That you have to understand that your life goes off so fast in a different direction, that you're just so focused on doing what you're doing.

But most of the time you'll call up, what's up? What's going on? Nothing. Where you've been? You know, it's not in months and it's like yeah do it I was fuck you out cool, and it's right back to where you left off That's the one thing I remember I had a priest who was a professor at Boston College and he told me something I never got forgot when I was like 19 years old He said you're real friends you can go years without talking to them and you pick up right where you left off Those are real friends, but when I think about talking to them and you pick up right where you left off. Those are real friends. But when I think about it now, when you say, oh, Gary, you got really successful really

quickly, I think that now that I recall there were a couple of things going on there. One, you say that and I'm like, well, what are you talking about successful? I never felt like, I always felt like, yeah, you got these deals, but it didn't mean that you were famous or on TV or anything like that and never guaranteed anything. And it was just a weird time and comedy. So there was at least a subconscious feeling that here's Bobby Kelly, who's, I always felt was funnier than everybody.

And now here I am getting the tap to come into the game and have all these things go on TV and have a development deal. Well, that's not really fair because Bobby Kelly is funnier than I am. And so I probably felt a little bit fraudulent and probably had some survivor's guilt about being lucky. Because that's what nobody tells you when they make it. They say, I worked hard. And I had a natural talent for this.

Nobody ever says, I got really, it was, I got into a thing. They picked me over some other people who were just as funny. And this person saw me, and it clicked, and whatever, and I had a meeting, and for whatever reason, I said this instead of that, and they wrote a check for me, because they had heard that some other company wanted to write me a check and that's how it happens. I love it when these guys say, well, you know, you just got to get so good and shut up. Shut up.

There's a lot of luck involved and the people who don't feel a little bit of either survivors guilt, like Kurt Vonnegut always said that with his other author friends, he was like, there's no rhyme or reason as to why I'm more famous and more acceptable than these guys are mark 20 and over other guys or whatever It's just and and I probably felt that way and I and and sometimes it's hard to to It's hard to be successful with friends. It's it's easy to struggle with friends with friends. It's easy to struggle with friends because you can share commiserating and the struggle and working hard. But then you feel, I almost felt like ashamed. Like, look at me, I got over on everybody and but the whole thing

is now that we know over 20 years everything evens out and you have ups and downs and it's a long time. I love that thing with Joan Rivers and Lewis CK which we should on the Lewis show where she's just like ups and downs and it's a long time. I love that thing with Joan Rivers and Louis CK, which on the Louis show, which is just like ups and downs and it's a roller coaster. But the bottom line is we love to get on stage every night and tell jokes. Yeah, well we actually worked it out. I called you up, we talked.

I was pretty fucking honest. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck dude? When you were like, I'm sorry. And you know, we worked it out. And from that day on, it was dead. And then we cut it. I had a lot of fun on the tourgasm. Well, cut to tourgasm, dude.

Where I find out you're doing it. And Jay Davis is doing it. And we get on that fucking bus, man. And it was, most people, what the fuck was that? Oh, that was just my phone, somebody texted me. What do you hear? Your phone have a bell in it? Well, it's also the start of the boxing match

between my phone and whoever texted me. We, yeah, we got on that bus and it was a fucking grueling month. People think we had this blast, this crazy time where it was so beautiful. Holy shit. Oh man, wow. Can you talk about that? I just got a text from a girl I've been dating and my god, very pretty picture. Pretty picture. That's one way to put it. Yeah. Wow, hang on one second. I mean, one second. I was like, I know how to pause this fucking thing, which I don't, because if I hit a button, I'll fucking just lose the whole podcast.

Oh my God. By the way, that fucking towel on the floor over there. Yeah, that's what I figured. I avoided it. I avoided it. You know, even when I'm on the road, I use toilet paper. Really? Yeah, because somebody has to pick that fricking thing up tomorrow.

Yeah, and that's why I leave money on the fucking. I leave it to you. You want to leave money and tongs and salad tongs and if you're a maid and you're not using gloves, that's just... Okay, here's the 20, use some gloves. Let's call it even. You leave it to me, huh?

Yeah, I leave it to you. You know, I got that from Quinn. Really? Yeah, he was doing a NACA convention and I was there and he went up and there's funny story ever 3,000 people after Who's the fucking loud guy? Lewis Black. Oh You that's what he likes to be called the loud guy wow the man the man does incisive political commentary and

Robert Kelly reduced them to the loud guy the man is a voice of a generation and you call him a boy I'm calling them a call they used to call Dan Cook I'm calling him Boston when he first started the loud guy that's what they call God free now what is it a yelling contest so he goes up after him Lewis Kills 3000 students and Trinitron screens Collins that is fattest Trinitron really they had a nineteen seventy-sony television no uh... they had the big some of the now they come trinitrons you sure i don't know i'm just i think you know what that i don't know i am sure

real to trinitrons and i remember he was but he bombed he bombed his sweat coming down his face And he comes off stage. He was like fuck. He got right the fuck out there I want to be his room cuz I didn't have a room. I had a split a room with my agent So he I go do what do you leave? And he goes yeah? He goes can I take your room? He goes God? I don't give a shit So he let me have his room. I just, because I worship Colin Quinn as a saint of comedy and a genius of comedy

and just as good as anybody who's ever done it, biggest air lobes too in the comedy business. I was getting to that. If you would let me finish. Yeah. Biggest deal in comedy and to hear that he bombed, like that's even possible, but it is possible and it happened sometimes because he takes a lot of chances and and he's true to himself. Yeah. And it's just

infuriating that he had to go through that and it just how long ago was that because I want to know if if he had to be years ago, it was before tough crowd. So he was probably in his 30s? It was a year before Tough Crowd. No, 30s. How the fuck? That was 40s. Really? He's older than he looks then. Yeah, I don't know. I think he's like, I don't know how old he is.

All right, whatever. But 40s. But he left the 20. I remember he left the 20 on the table. He goes, yeah, and he's like, yeah, he always leaves, he always see him popping a 20 to the waitresses at the seller. Yeah, yeah, he's a big tipper. Yeah, which I was like, you know what,

that's, it's kind of given out there, you know, the people. When I, I've been rich and I've been poor. I've, you've had six fats, I've had three riches. Right, I've been rich three times. All right, and my, my second rich was after the last comic standing and I used to tip the dormant at hotels, 20s, I threw around 20s, I was an animal. I was an animal and I wish I had that $30,000 back.

You know this is bad as fucking Jamie Jojo, used to tip the toll guy. Oh, I know. Even the toll was a dollar, he'd tip him three. It's a public Greenwich Village. Yeah. Oh, I know. He's the toll was a dollar. He'd tip them three. It's public Greenwich Village. Yeah. Yeah, did so you go to you get fucking last comic standing. Yeah. 2004. Fucking crazy fame. Yeah, I got famous, but what they don't tell you that there is an expiration date on the fame unless you do

something else really quickly. Yeah, there is an expiration date on it and tell me I was on tour guys I'm with you right somebody should have told yeah, there's no somebody should have told us But it would have been mean we would have been like fuck you you just jealous. Yeah, nope Duration date you better get on something quickly after that. Yeah, yeah, it's bizarre and it's not it's cruel It's cruel. Oh the fame is great. Oh, it's bizarre and it's not, it's cruel. It's cruel. Oh, the fame is great. Oh, it's a lot of great isn't when you use me. Because the guy's a poor guy. You deserved it. Yeah, he still do. Yeah, we're in fucking Connecticut at the fucking Farmington Inn. Yeah, right now. Yeah. But here's a difference, bro. We're happy. Yes. Back then, with the fame, with the fame and the love.

We weren't happy. We weren't happy. We weren't happy. After, you got that fucking huge, you know, last comic, and then we went on tour gas together. We did that. That came out on HBO, which was fucking, but still weren't happy.

Wasn't happy. Nope. And now, I think, you know, like Louis C. K. Always says, it's like comedy is like going to school. It's like a whole lifetime of schooling. It's first through sixth, seventh, eighth, you got nine through 12, and then you got four years of college. And by the time that's done, you should be a comic. You should be a paid professional comedian

knowing what the fuck you're doing with the opportunity to write or create your way in this business. Wow. And he's right. He's like 19 years or 18 years for you. Yeah. It's 19 something years for me.

And we finally at the place where I'm happy in my life and comedy, I'm happy in comedy too. I mean, look, I've done shows this last couple months with Leary in front of 5,000 people and I'm doing this show tonight with you and I'll do the seller and I just did Utah. It doesn't matter where I am, I'm constantly happy and I'm not worried about the

Outcome of my career. Yeah, I'm worried about the the actual the content right instead of the fame Yeah, I care about what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah, and how I'm doing You're still killing but now it's a question of how am I gonna kill what am I gonna kill with and it's just If you would always you know fight you've been a very great joke writer. Oh, thanks. You've been a, you know what I mean? You, you take, you take a subject and you've got shit for this too. You know, people would say, yeah, I talk about fucking grapes or some shit.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, but he, who took the subject of fruit or whatever and broke it down all the way. Yeah. Yeah, you got a good joke out of it. And that's where we stop. Yeah. That's a good joke. Yeah. You went fuck it. I'm, let's keep going. I want a fucking go, go, go, go.

And you squeeze that fucking grape dry. Yeah. And go fuck in every joke out of it. Because it's about writing the joke and finding where the joke is. You're a very analytical joke writer. You have the set-up punch tag, but one thing you've come across in the last couple of years too is that now you're adding this fucking way of thinking and your opinions and who you really are to your act, which is real interesting, to see when a joke writer becomes personal is fucking great. Oh wow.

That's a really good compliment. I mean, as far as trying to squeeze every laugh out of the things, it was a necessity because when I was in L.A. and other places, I didn't get on stage that much much so I didn't get to try out a lot of new brand new stuff but I could add tags and things to the things that already worked. And yeah and I remember there was the best advice I got as far as joke writing early on was Paul Nardizi who was legend in Boston. He used to say he would write in circles. He would take something that was already working because the hardest thing to write new stuff is to come up with a completely new thing because you have to try it out, find out if it works, and then work on it. But if you

have something already works, you've got a place to start, and you have the audience with you for that part. You can add little things, and it's almost like I always felt like, all right, you may not come up with something new and brilliant every day. But you can try and think of a new line or way to shore. And I once read that, you know, sign felt would feel good if you took 10 words out of a setup or something like that or you'd work on that. And it just, I was always impressed with guys like that and their work ethic and I said listen I have this easy job that I love and I'm being compensated for. I can I can improve

by doing that by by trying to delve deeper and and yeah it was I always felt that it was it was very superficial and everything like that but at the very least I felt like I owed it to the At the very least, I felt like I owed it to the art form to be original. Nobody else was talking about grapes and crap like that. But you go on, the other thing that kind of follows you around those is that you're a fucking big guy. And you don't take shit. You know, like people say, because the type of comic you are, you're not, you're not, you know, confrontational. Confirtational, yeah, you're not a, but you are.

You know, take shit if some of this, you fucking choked out an audience member. I never choked an audience member. I never choked out an audience member. Dude, I love that you have fucking, you have girls good boy image. But they're a myth. Yeah, but you have little legacies, a little surrounded about you. And they've grown and grown like I knocked out

to Jay Moore supposedly. You didn't knock out Jay Moore. No. No, you just grabbed him. Yeah, I had fucking, what's his name? Fucking Jesus, my brain's flake and dude. And we haven't slept once. Alonzo, Jesus, I love Alonzo brain's flaking dude. We haven't slept once. Alonzo, Jesus, I love Alonzo.

I flaked on me. I had him on a board podcast. And he told me what happened. Oh wow, that Jay bus balls. And he would fuck with Dane sometimes. And you're very protective. You're very protective of your friends. Oh yeah, I'm very loyal. You're very loyal're very protective of your friends. Oh yeah, I'm very loyal.

You're very loyal, very protective of your friends and you're a Jewish heritage. Yeah. And you're six foot four. I'm kidding. Six foot six. No, I used to get so mad at me. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, stuff goes so into it. Yeah, stuff goes so into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's six foot six. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, For a BC and you know you fucking don't take shit You don't take shit. You're the sweetest most lovable guy when you sit down and talk you laugh You have a great laugh. It's contagious. You'll love to talk jokes and goof around and do gay voice for hours But if something if you set if someone says something that offend you You'll fucking you'll fucking snap like me. Yeah, you'll fucking snap like me.

You'll snap just like me, like you fucking cocksaka, and that you have this reputation of a guy who will fucking choke somebody out. And you had the one with the guy with the video camera at the club, right? Yeah, I took his video camera because he was heckling me and then he wanted to he wanted to video record his girlfriend and so after I got off I said all right you want to he was also a comedian that's what killed me and he was heckling me and I said all right you're not gonna get to record your girl friend and what you do and I just took it and she went on and after she was done I gave it back and he couldn't do anything about it and he couldn't do anything about it. And he couldn't do anything about it. And the J-more thing, you just choked him. No, I didn't choke him. I grabbed him by that area where you,

as an offensive lineman, you would block somebody to keep him away from the quarterback. So I grabbed him in the area between your shoulders. If he was wearing shoulder pads, I would have grabbed his shoulder pads, but he was wearing a shirt. So I grabbed him and I was at stage center. And I dragged him over to stage right. And there were those walls, but they're stage walls. So when you throw somebody against it by the, they're back into it, it shakes because

it's not stable. So it looks like I'm killing him. But I, I, yeah, I pinned him to the wall and, and, you know, we worked it out. And the great thing about him is that I, I, yeah, I pinned him to the wall and, and you know, we worked it out and and the great thing about him is that I could have been fired for that. He was the executive producer of the show and the host of the show. And he, uh, he stood by me because he's, uh, a decent guy that way. He knew that he plays a comic. Yeah. He had pressed a button and I had overreacted. But the next day I was in meetings with lawyers and producers. And it was just, will you ever do it again? And I'm like, no, no, no, no, but in my head, I'm like, well, if he doesn't, he doesn't make fun of Danes Act, no, but, oh, well, hey, me and you've gotten into it. Oh, yeah, me and you got into it. I know two times.

I remember two times, two epic bands. One when we were waiting tables. No, then it's three times. Yeah. I don't remember that one. All right. I remember the Jacuzzi in Cabo. Yeah. And I remember on tour, after tour gasm, our tour with Jay Davis, the after tour gasm tour, where we got into it. That one we, I don't know, we look, we were on the road. We were together every day. We went through a fucking, we've gone, we went through snow storms the road. We were together every day. We went through a fucking we've gone We went through snow storms. Yeah, we had a higher that fucking guy to get us out of buffalo. Oh We were it was just tiring. It was just lack of sleep and Hunger and then we we were in the dressing room. I don't know what San Fran or San Francisco. This is what happened

I bombed I didn't show up for the meet and greet afterwards because I was humiliated. And you came back and you were like, you were like, where the fuck were you? You held up the thing and it was selfish and I went back at you. And then, because there was a lot of people waiting for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So now it's fucking with myself as, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So you're waiting in line to like, let's Gary, I'm like, oh, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course wait and line it like let's Gary I'm like oh fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then Jay Davis separated us by Saying that the power of Christ compels us. He felt we needed an exorcism. Well, we were screaming. Yeah, we were too You know, you were toe-to-toe like to you this way probably described it. We were like two old circus tigers. Yeah But dragled Sphinxes And we were scream fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. I fuck we're going face to face. I was on my tippy toes. Yeah. Yeah. And you were

bending down. And you were like, I don't give a fuck all knock you out. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. You fucking snapped. I mean, I'm sitting there looking around the room with my peripheral for a stick. Take a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jewish And then we had the one in Cabo because I would throw around the word liberal Oh, yeah, yeah, you didn't like liberals back then, but maybe you still don't put but I I'm a I'm like a liberal socialist leaning Bleeding heart. Yeah, and I the time it was it was Bleeding heart. Yeah, and the time it was it was Obama was in the election, but he was like the third or fourth and Early. Yeah, it was very early and I was insisting that this that this black guy was gonna was gonna be

Changed in the world and becoming president and you got mad about my liberal leanings and we were at a mansion, at a mansion on the beach in an infinity pool. No, we're in a jacuzzi. Okay. For me, you dain Barry Katz, dain's brother, who's now in jail, which we didn't know then. Right. Brian Vokewice. Brian Vokewice and Jay Davis.

Yeah. infocus but Brian Vogue was And Jay Davis. Yeah, energy coosie this. I mean a huge Jacuzzi. There was infinity pool. Yeah a mansion on the ocean Yeah, the flugging with servants and a chef. Yeah, and massage people come in massage you. Yeah, a personal chef Yeah, and me and you know, it was 130 in the morning. And these two no-shore animals at the top of our little house. Top along swearing. You said, I remember you stood up in the jacuzzi and went, fuck it, you said, I'm fucking sick of you, fucking. And you snapped and I snapped. And we both just started fucking screaming.

Yeah. Fuck you. It went from this political... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was like that scene when Nick DiPolo fought Louis yeah it was like yeah but it wasn't an acting and I mean you could hear it yeah and I remember Dan being like guys guys guys we're never gonna be a lot back here if you don't quiet down whenever coming back in that made sense to us well no I think we was we going to be a lot back here if you don't quiet down. We're never coming back here. That made sense to us. Well, no, I think we went on for a little bit, but then here's the thing with me in you

is that we both have these tempers, you know, and, but that's not who we are. No, we have very poor impulse control, very poor. And this is what I always say when I'm doing these crazy things, such as, such as dragging the executive producer across the stage and, and, uh, stealing a heckler's, uh, video camera, and people say afterwards, uh, not, not, not your calm. What are you saying? And I said, I have to insist that it seemed perfectly reasonable, perfectly reasonable at the time to react. So with the adrenaline and the, and the, and the, the, and the righteous anger because I was right.

You shouldn't heckle somebody and you shouldn't make front of a guy's close friend on a TV set. And yet my reaction is so out of proportion. Normal people either keep their mouth shut or say, you know what, that really hurts my feelings. And I wish you would talk Yeah, yeah, I wish you would stop that and we are and it's not like like you know To a lesser extent, but I wasn't raised as a as a as a Guy who was on the streets fighting all the time. This was this was not

guy who was on the streets fighting all the time this was this was not uh... but there's it my father is the same is the same way must be a genetic thing where his temper he's in a nursing home now and and he's holding grudges against the certain nurse and the woman says to him are you gonna uh... apologize to you know jino whatever he said he's like never and never i'm like that you first of all you'll be able to uphold that because you're 85 years old You will be able to never apologize to her. I'm sure you can last however many years you have left 510

I hope to 20 but What is the point? All right, what is the point? I remember you had a list at one point You got mad at somebody you go. He's on the list He's me. He made the fucking list and you want you go, he's on the list. He's me. He made the fucking list. And you want you go, once you get on the list, you don't get off. Oh, that's hilarious. There's no list anymore, but there probably was at least, are you named the people? Probably was at least the name mental There was probably at least a mental list if it's not written down or on whatever the notes Word but there was there was a list. I think it was um

Yeah, I used to drive by the laugh factory in an LA and and scream fuck you laugh factory Because I would call in every week and i get a single spot no spots for you this week and i and i get it like i'm not i would drive by and screen fuck you laugh factory and when i had a girlfriend you would participate in the fuck you laugh factory with me

it's it's it's this is funny to those speaking a girlfriend you've had a couple fucking couple uh... you you had a couple of fucking, couple, you had a couple girlfriends, comedians that fucking, that were fucking, took you down the fucking crazy road, man. Oh yeah, yeah. You, I'm not gonna, we don't have to mention names, cause I don't wanna get into it,

but, you know, I always remember you hook up with these girls and I'd be like, oh boy, cause my rule is, you don't date somebody with a I'd be like, oh boy, my rule is You don't date somebody with a headshot. Yes. You don't date somebody with hopes and dreams. Yep. That similar to yours Right, they can have hopes and dreams, but they you have to be the drama mama if you're a comedian You have to be the drama mama. They have to be the civilian, the square that doesn't would never get on stage. I don't want to know and won't even come up there on New Year's. Just do your thing. I'll wait down. You can't do that. And I remember you used to used to love dating chicks with headshots. And I would

be like, oh, fuck. And you know, you're a good looking guy. You're a funny guy. You're a clean cut guy. You have not that funny guy. You're a clean-cut guy. You have not that you're, you know, you say you've been rich and poor, but you never really poor. You can, you make more than the average asshole does. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, and it's like, I just don't get it. And you'll be with these girls.

And then I'd be like, you know what? Fuck it. Okay, dude. Happy. Congratulations, dude. I'm behind you. That's where, you know, if you love her, then I fucking love her.

Because you never know. Because my girl, I'm sure her girlfriends back in the day were like, why are you with this fucking piece of shit? And she stuck with me and I was able to evolve. And now we're happy, married, you know, blah, blah, blah. And all her friends, a lot of them are divorced and the ones that were telling her not to be with me probably.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, of course. But you did a lot of them are divorced and the ones that were telling her not to be with me probably. Yeah. They're like, of course, but you did a lot of work to become sane enough to be with you. Well, you did too. We both go to the same therapist. Yeah. We both go to Aaron. The comedians, the therapist. Yeah, there's a comedian, I don't know if you've never, I don't even know if I've talked

about this, but my therapist for the last, I don't know how many years, he does comics. And mainly because he works on a scale, sliding scale. And he worked with one comic a long time and they just kept passing it on. Richard Lewis, we can say it because it's in Richard Lewis's book. Richard Lewis is Richard Lewis. And then I got it from Dustin.

All right, I actually didn't get it from a comedian. I got it from a guy we've been friends, still friends since sixth grade, from JCC basketball, that I don't wanna say his name, but I'll tell you. I know who you're talking about, because I used to come out of therapy, and he was always going and after me.

Yeah. And I would tell Alan, look, if you're gonna make me cry or hit some real deep shit, and hit it at the beginning, because any given day you walk out and leave you know Lamp and Ellie's there you're there any There and I'm not coming fucking balling. Yeah, and I would always talk my gossip about other comics at the beginning

Yeah, because I knew I didn't want to yeah, cuz he does play that radio out there, but I can still hear Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so I would always talk my shit about comics, my fucking resentments, right at the beginning. Yeah, I knew that's a smart move, but the thing with that is that he totally gets it. And but my friend had gone to him, he had another avenue towards him, because he doesn't only date,

date, seek comedians, take comedians in his office, He had another avenue towards him because he doesn't only only date date seek comedians Take comedians in his office, but this guy and then he told me his name and I started to see him He says he sees a lot of comedians there He didn't he never mentioned your name or anything like that But but then I said I'm seeing this guy and I said what's your guy's name? And you told me and I was like, that's the same guy, that's scary. And then there was a time when we would be back to back

for a while. And I remember you would come out, you would be coming in when I was coming out and you would always say, do you leave some for me? Yeah. I remember. Really great.

He's been so helpful. I would get mad when Deast of Fondo was in before me, I'd be like, oh, fuck. How do you follow that? How do you follow Deastista Fano's therapy session? Wow. You know, he was just tired, exhausted. Oh my gosh.

But he's a fucking doll. He changed my life. He helped me change my life. Yeah, yeah. But you did all the work, but he guided you. And that's what he does. But I just, you know, the thing with the relationships that I've had is that most people see a woman crying on the street and they cross the street to avoid them.

Like they're a rabid dog. And I generally buy them a house and give them my pin number for my ATM and a checkbook. And it's just, I think it's from coming from a divorced mother that I just see a woman in distress and I need to try to make her happy at all, all expenses. Yeah, dude, you, I mean, I would cut a, I, I, and you're never gonna find more women in distress who are troubled than women comedians. Yeah.

And I just, there's always a point in every one of those relationships where I realize, oh, there's no helping this person. The first one was at Danes Boston Garden taping. I was sitting with my girlfriend at the time, and she looked around. They were 18,000 rabid fans there. And she said to me with a glint in her eye that was frightening.

She said, I want this. And I instead of saying, um, either, um, that's never going to happen. Your, your delusional, I said, you know, if you work hard enough, anything is possible. And that hurt her. You're undermining me. That under what are you talking about? Yeah.

What did she want it tomorrow? Pretty much. Oh my God. Pretty much. This was a woman who had been doing comedy two years and couldn't understand why Sarah Silverman was one place and she was another. She was just as funny as Sarah Silverman.

Oh God. And that ended. That ended, yeah. She moved in with another comedian. Yeah. Friend. Yeah. Quote unquote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And moved in with another comedian. Yeah. Friend. Yeah. Quote unquote.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you hooked up with the other girl. Yeah. Within six months of that, I met this other girl. And I, you didn't heed my advice. No, between. And you said she's crazy. I said, don't date somebody with a headshot.

Yeah. I told you that. Just don't date a regular human being. Yeah. And you went out, you met another girl, and then you were up country. Yeah, and she talked me into buying a farmhouse and taking my money out of my IRA account

and renovating and just... You were up in fucking an hour away from New York. I didn't know. I wish it was only an hour. I would have been there every night. I was driving back in four, two hours each way. Is it two hours? Yeah. Three or four times a week. hours each way. Is it two hours? Yeah.

Three or four times a week. Wow. Yeah. In the middle of nowhere. I remember you couldn't call me. No, because I get no cell reception up there. Yeah. And you're up in the, but in my brain I went,

you know what, he's my friend. I went good for him. Maybe this is what he needs to do. Maybe he's gonna come up with a couple of novels. Yeah, because of course I couldn't tell you Bobby. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm scared. I've been sucked into this and beaten down and now I can tell you that. But the one thing is that I'm proud of is that as far away from New York as I was and how much time I had to spend on the road to make the payments on the house and taxes and everything like that. I kept my stand-up chops and I did a lot of shows and I feel like I'm a better comedian

now than I was last year and the year before and all that. And that's the only thing I can hold on to is that I didn't, I never abandoned, I abandoned my, my better senses and, and my, my defense of, of my self-esteem, but I never abandoned doing three, 400 shows a year. Yeah. And, and now you're back in New York. Yeah. And you're doing spots every night.

And it's fucking cool to have you back because, you know, people would always say, you know, where's Gary? What's Gary up to? Is Gary all right? Is he cool? Yeah. Because you were just gone. Nobody knew where you were. What's Gary doing?

And I would always say, he's doing good, man. He's doing shows. He's on the road. I would lie, but he's corporate. He does a lot of corporate dates. I don't know if that's true or not. It is true. I do a lot of corporate gigs, but over the winter over the winter I was on the road for 14 straight weekends

But he Thursday to Sunday, but now you're back in the city. Yeah, which is great. Yeah, because you know I love it and and and this is where I'll be until You meet the next chick with a fucking head shot The next hot broad comes I will be right back I will be right back Oh, that was a good button. So, I mean, I'm glad, I really am glad you're back in the city because, you know, you're a fucking good friend of mine, you're back in the city, you're doing comedy, you're a great

comic. Thanks, man. And, you know, it's kind of weird that now we're doing these shows together, we did that Atlanta gig together. That was the, that was the, I was just going to bring that up that go into Atlanta. It just I reminded, it reminded me of how I always felt being a, being around you. I always feel positive and, and creative and, and like a, and like a comedian and to get those types of compliments from you. I, I can't look in the eye when I say this Alan always gives me a hard time

I can't really say anything do it do it try right now. I'll try to look in the eye and say this but Getting your look at me. Yeah, getting your Look at me right getting your approval or your like the respect of your peers your respect as a comedian when you told me when we're in Atlanta He said, you know what dude though? You're a real you're a real fucking stand-up. You're not a famous guy or a guy who's getting by because he's on a TV show or something. You're a real fucking stand up who talks about real shit and you're honest and you're just so precise with your words and everything, dude. And I love this joke and that joke. And then I came back from Atlanta. I felt like a million dollars. I

was like, I felt good going in. I was doing good comedy and everything like that. But there's nothing like getting that pat on the back from one of the appears who you respect. Who I I watch you that week and I was like this fucking guy is taking it to a new level and then you shared that with me. And it's and it's hard for for guys like us New York guys like getting a compliment from a New York comedian. I don't know the analogy for it,

but they give out compliments very, only Colin Quinn, Colin Quinn is so positive. When you get a compliment from another New York comedian, whether it be good stuff or I like that joke or anything, it means something, because they do not throw those out very lightly. Now, it's fucking real, and it comes out, and it has to be forced out of them.

Yeah, I remember, you know, and it's like L.A., you get them all the time and it doesn't mean anything. Doesn't mean anything. We love you. Yeah, you know. That means nothing. That means nothing. But to hear, you know, Louis say, I like that bit or.

I never heard that. It was never said that. We were, you know, gaffing it in his wife gave me a compliment one night. It's like, all right, now either the fans, the entire audience could be standing, but it's that compliment from another comedian who you respect, not from some potters just trying to kiss your ass, but somebody you respect and it's just like, that's success. I mean, it's, it's, it's, we had a good time too. I mean, that's why, you know, we, it's, it's, it's, it's, we had a good time too. I mean, that's why, you know, we, uh,

we did that Atlanta gig and it was being you, on a show in these fucking weird little fucking venues. Yeah. Uh, and these basement fucking comedy. One of them was an old church. One was an old church and yeah. It was a fucking blast and it's, the fear of who goes up when and what how or what,

it's not there. Right. Well, that's the thing with the comedy style that really teaches you is that like last night, right before me is Jim Norton, who couldn't be more opposite in styles. And then you go up and then somebody different goes on after May and New York does.

Yeah, that's what New York does. It makes it comfortable going on a, and Boston back in the day. Boston, we would have to go on after these guys who people always say, why are Boston comedians so strong, especially that when you think about the group comfortable going on and Boston back in the day. We would have to go on after these guys who, people always say, why are Boston comedians so strong, especially that when you think about the group that we started with, Billy, Burr,

Dan Cook, Patrice O'Neill, Dwayne Perkins, and I'm sure we can, I don't know who we'll even know, Patrice O'Neill, you and these guys, the hosts of those shows were always the best guys on the show. And you had to go up in between and the audience just fell in love with them, wanted them back. And you better grab their attention right away.

And it just stopped. Marley, yeah. Bob Marley, the comedian, Bob Marley. You had five minutes to fucking kill. And the thing is, they wanted you to kill. They did, and you didn't go and you didn't go over. Yeah, unless you were Patrice. You didn't go over and you and you killed. Yeah, and it was not it was not mediocre killing. It was you would have to destroy. Or you weren't going to get back up on the stage. The hosts really were inspiring. Well, it's cool. It's cool, too too to where we're at now, especially over the years, we've both had success,

we've both been up and down, we've both had fucking these trials and tribulations and now we're actually at a good place, you know, where it's kind of leveled out a little bit. What was that thing I said today? I said that I said that I had realized that we had everything we needed to be happy except the realization that we did. That wasn't it. That wasn't it? No. I really wanted it to be it

because what you said was what do I say? I forget. But it was basically what the point is is like once you realize it's you know it's you know if you don't have expectations in life, you have everything you need. Right. It's basically what you would say. And that's the truth. It's like, look, we're both working. The next big thing is right around the fucking corner and we'll be up and we'll be down.

It's a fucking roller coaster. But the one thing that anchors us to this fucking business is comedy. You can't take that away. You'll always be able to go to the seller and do a fucking 10, 15 minutes set. You'll always be able to work the clubs. You might, you know, there'll be guys bigger than you, younger than you, better looking than you,

more money than you, and you'll be up there, you'll be down there. Better looking? Not better looking than you. Then you. But Bob, the other thing that I always talk about, comedians, talk to other comedians is about, is that, and this is true at every level,

the millionaire comedians and the open-micers, the thing that keeps us going, and I always say, if a guy loses this, just quit, because it's not gonna get any better than this. When a new joke, a new joke works. Yeah. Oh, something you thought you feel creative, you feel smart, you feel like you're productive

and working and puts 10 years on your career. Yes, and at every level. And you know, I have these friends who are constantly, I'm not making a living man, I wanna quit. It's like you ever think of a, you're still thinking new jokes? Yep, all right You're not done yet. You're not done until something happens and you don't even want to either want to write it down

Or go on stage that night and talk about it. Then you're done. Yeah, any anytime. I mean Yeah, it's it's I don't think it's a drug but what do you think? Oh, it's a drug. Something gets released in our fucking book. Yeah, it's definitely a drug because once you get that, it's from day one, the response of the crowd. And when you think of something and say it on stage that night and it gets a laugh, you're like, fuck, you can't wait to the next night.

I remember seeing the the sickness of it is that you gotta move on at some point. That's the hard part is letting go of it and moving on to something new. Because you know, you get, you kind of get stuck in this, you know, this is the hour and you build this hour. Right. But everybody does it different, you know.

Everybody's different in how they do. I mean, you know, guys are whipping on hours now every six months, which is kind of fucking. Guys or Louie. Okay. You're right, Louie. Yeah. It's like set in the curve. Yeah. You know guys are whipping out hours now every six months, which is kind of fuck guys or Louis Okay, I'll you're right Louis. Yeah, it's like setting the curve. Yeah, and it's like go fuck yourself. Yeah fucking stop Stop making us look like shit. You know really For you motherfucker. Yeah, it's still it's still an aberration and it shows you what kind of what kind of talent he is But the other side of that the feeling you get from the crowd and I wanted to bring this up with you just not here but anywhere is that I remember seeing that tribute to Greg D'Araldo and Jim Gaffing and of all people summed it up well because I always think of him as just kind of a person who wouldn't bring up the emotional side of comedy,

because he seems very private, but he said, he said, it's very difficult to go on stage in front of a thousand people, whatever Greg was doing, and then go home to an empty hotel room. At the end of the night, every night, and just shut it down. Turn off the adulation and the adrenaline and the night, every night, and just shut it down. Turn off the adulation and the adrenaline and the feeling and just, and either we want to eat or fuck or smoke or get high or, or, or, or cry or, whatever. And it's just, it's a really hard thing to do.

And, and I'll tell you that, that happens a lot in New York City at that, at that comedy seller because you're going on so late sometimes 1.32 o'clock in the morning and it's a it's such a rush and then you have to go back I walk my dogs and I'm just this pots picking up shit on the on those treats in New York at two o'clock in the morning and Drunk 21 year old girls walking by petting the dogs and treating me like I'm a 90 year old man. But what do you do to deal with that feeling when you get back to the hotel? Netflix. Well, iPad. Yeah. Apparently what I do is eat. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah, did I have, you know, the addictions and people like, dude, just fucking, you know, just, you know, go to the gym or eat right. Please.

It's like, look, man, it's not as easy as that. You go, you do go back to that room and you got, you went from being famous. The highlight of these people's evening. To taking pictures and talking to people and to being by yourself and your underwear with 24 channels at your fucking disposal. Meanwhile, you can't wait to get away from all the adulation because at least me, it's

just like I feel like a weirdo and have a hard time talking to strangers and everything like that. And then I like to, I can do it. Yeah, you're really good at that, man. You're really good at it. I feel so fucking mayor. Yeah, I feel so self-conscious afterwards that things and and I just want to get out of there But then I don't want to be alone at the end of the night. It's just it's hard. It's a fucking hard thing

But you know, it's you know, you It doesn't get easier But you learn to deal with it differently and you know, I'm learning to deal with it a little differently, you know, because it's like, you know, sex or banging rods or food or, you know, drugs in some people's cases or alcohol. Yeah. Those are on our option for me. No.

And, you know, it's easier to order, it's more acceptable to get a pizza. Yeah. You know, nobody gives a shit if you get a pizza and some chicken wings and become a fat fuck. So, that's hard for me because that's one of my drugs. That's one of the things that I used to take the pain away, being on the road or being lonely and fucked up. That's what sucks. I wish it wasn't something... I wish it wasn't drugs. I don't want to say that. I'm glad I have been sober and clean for five years, but you know, used to be sex, used to be trying to get pussy and you know, that kept me thin. I wanna say to my wife, do you want me thin?

And let me bang, bro. But listen, dude, we get a fucking wrap this up. We get to get some food and we get to show tonight. But I want you to come back on. I love it. I usually do it with Joe DeRosa. We'll come back on over to the house and just shoot the shit. That'll be fun. But I'm glad I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love sidesteped it your sidesteped it, but you did good you kept the eye contact as you weren't you but I did it as you Yeah, that's interesting. Wow you're really but

You're very perceptive dr. Lickter Can you turn that half-perception against yourself? The Gary gomen. What's your website man Gary gomen.com Gary gomen.com Make sure you go to his website. He's one of my favorite comics one of my favorite people in the business And he doesn't look me in the eye and say that you one of my favorite comics You one of my favorite people in the business and I love you to death. Oh, and he didn't do a character for that I did all writing a face and I love you. I love you rubber killing how it's getting gay. You're a really good friend I'm uncomfortable. Yeah, I know I I know. Oh my god. Put your shirt back on

You penis you penis. Yeah, that's how we talk um, and and um You uh, you know, this is uh, this has been great. This has been great dude. Yeah, I want to fun And now we're gonna do shows together. Yes. Yes Gary gum and everybody coming on and that will do shows together. Yes. Yes. Gary Gellman everybody. Thanks again for listening to another episode of You Know What Dude podcast on gloryholeradio.com and make sure to check out all the other shows on the gloryhole network. If you're using the Stitcher app type in the word fought when you register.

I tune users don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're a real fan of the show, and you want to show your support, go to GloryholeRadio.com, slash Robert Kelly, and hit the donate button. $10 will get you a shout out on the air. $20 will get you my first CD, Robert Kelly Live, not available in stores. If you have any questions, email me Kelly, en glorih te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.