Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Mike Likes It

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

This week on YKWD; We have a hysterical episode dudes! Robert Kelly invites on Mike Vecchione, Mike Cannon and Kerry Coddett! Fresh off his appearance on the Tonight Show, Bobby breaks down Mike Vecchione's awesome and hysterical set, in which Mike Likes! Mike Cannon shares his high school stairwell blow job stories, with some special treats on the side. Bobby crushes over Kerry big time, with a call in from Bobby's wife Dawn! Watch/Listen/Share/Enjoy Dudes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude, on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. All right. DeepDiscounts.com is a new sponsor in my show, and this site is loaded with all of your entertainment needs, CDs, vinyls, DVDs, Blu-rays, video games, and much more. Go to deepdiscounts.com. Not counts, count. Deepdiscount.com. Or click the link on my website. On the website to find everything you're looking for.

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The name says it all Deep discount dot com everything is Deep discount dot com. Oh my god. I just was encouraging my friends I need you to You get a fucking job. I got was encouraging my friends. It was really so that line. I'm really proud of them. You get a fucking job. You don't fucking. I stole the job, I got her. You don't fucking, you don't worry about other people.

He's fucking step on you a second to get that job. I was shook to my core by that delivery. No, maybe I should just give it to him, that if he's that guy. No, I want it. And they have a new movie release too. Check this out. Just released this week life. The sci-fi shocker about a crew of six who discover extra terrestrial life on Mars. Yeah, but are they monsters? Oh, what? Get your copy of the sci-fi shocker now on Blu-ray or DVD for a great price at deep discount

That's right just clicked on their link on you find them my home page on riot cast support our sponsors and be Good to yourself buy it own it watch it you want, check it out. Thank you. Deep, deep, deep down, dark, dark. Welcome to the funniest podcast on the Planet Bird. This is gonna be a clash-define. This podcast has no rules. I'm gonna the mic asshole. I'm sure I've already said should I regret it?

Can I get a microphone? Oh, what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on what the fuck? That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down, yapping. Sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's 10 no topics, no directions.

I love doing it. Way both sides of the coin. That's how it all holds the- That's how it all holds the- That's how it all holds the- You want to do anything? My podcast is popular enough where I might have said something's like- You never know.

It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on whitecast.com. Thank you for joining us once again. I'm back on the show last week. I stepped the fuck out for a second, which I can do. I think I deserve that about a four years of always fucking being here for glugots. Who was the house thing? Yannis Poppies. He stepped up for me. It was a pretty tight show though. It was overloaded with fucking alphas. Christy was here.

Stavros. A lot of ethnic. Cypher came up. Cypher. Sleepy Cyp. Yeah. I'm not on drugs. I'm just tired. That's my face.

Liz popped up the out for all of everybody. And I was actually was a great show and I appreciate thanks for stepping up and hosting my uncle. Look, I can't, I'm mad. Let it out. First of all, fucking, this what happens with these shows, right? You get people that end the show, end of doing everything, right? And then I'm mad at two things. Number one, I was listening to Nick the Polo Show today, and he was thanking Riot Cast. As I want you to think right cast for you know Rob sprants at riot cast Robert Kelly Rob sprants was really Rob fans again. I

Reasons Bob Kelly. Maybe coming Bob probably Bob Kelly Wait for Bob, you know, it's not gonna call me Bobby Bobby Bobby Bobby and then I'll say Bobby Kelly Very good. I was probably saying funny guy, too. You know cuz it's not gonna call me Bobby. He'll say Bobby Bobby. And then I'll say Bobby. Very good. It's probably saying funny guy. Too good. Cause I'm funny. You know, Rob really stepped. Oh, Rob again. Oh, okay.

Not one fucking match. I'm the one who said, okay, Rob does the technical. I do the fucking hey, let me go talk to it. What about this guy? What about that guy? You're the talent. I'm the fucking hey, let me go talk to it. What about this guy? What about that guy? You're the talent I'm the fucking liaison the orchestrator. I'm a fucking liaison Look I give Rob all the credit in the world without Rob. There'd be no riot cast Rob is a fucking the wizard behind the fucking curtain right I'm the fucking the wizard behind the fucking curtain right I'm the fucking curtain

right So now how do you guys say this fucking thing was ready you you sucking bed gone Okay The hall the glory hall the Jersey jerks, and mad scientists. That was just, and then now look at the fucking network. Not one thanks. So how do you say? My wife hates me.

Hey, I think we should get, I wanna call Voss. All right, do it. I did it. This is what it should be. So anyways. How's he thanked you? Ha! Has rich v, do you? Ha! Has rich boss, thank you.

Well, yeah, in a way, but not really. He's somewhere in their fucking heads, it's their idea. You know, you know, you got to remind them. They actually, when they were, they were thanking, right? They thank Radcast. They thank Rob Sprance, too. They didn't thank me. One thing.

No, but, you know, I'm, I'm, but that's cool. There you go. That's the fucking business. Rob fucking sprints. How about Rob fucking Kelly? I have the most anxiety I've ever had in my entire life right now. I don't know what to think. I don't know. So how does Lauren, I'm waiting for you to get to Lauren.

That's Lauren, this is what Lauren's phone is. We need a scape a good night. So how does Lauren found, I'm waiting for you to get to Lauren. That's Lauren. I heard. Lauren, this is what Lauren's fallen into. We need a scapegoat here at the table. Here's what Lauren's fallen into now. And Lauren, here you go. Here's what you'll fall into. And this is what happens when somebody steps

into that fucking dumb seat over there. When someone becomes the producer of this show, right? And all the other great shit starts happening in your life. All these other shows and all these other things and all you're everywhere now and everybody's fun. So it's start opening. Everybody, yeah, here you go. And I'm like, yeah, great, go.

Right? And now, today, no, all the stuff she does for this show we don't have Because she said she there's no videos over the weekend We should get bunch of new stuff so we have you know something there right I just couldn't find any videos no videos occurred I don't know Funny videos and I just not funny, but interesting videos We just bring in a bunch.

We have a dual dark. You got to just go and get a bunch of shit, put it in there and then we pick it out. And I go, wow, let's talk about that. So if we run out of, I want to, I want to, uh, uh, let's talk about it. I just did the tonight show so we can, we can, we can talk about that for a good chunk of time. I know it's no, uh, dog getting his head stuck in a cereal box, but it's pretty big for my career. First of all, I saw it. I'm here to talk about my career.

I saw it. I saw it. We can talk about it. But here, I'm going to be honest with you. It's the pitfalls of that fucking seat. But here's a deal. It's fine. We'll move on.

I'd yell at Chris Goebo before. I'm not going to yell at Lauren because she busts her ass. She does a lot of shit. But it's like, here's a deal. You got to do certain shit. Is that a microphone you're wearing around your neck, honey? It is.

All right. No. Just because people didn't know, I had to make it obvious. Is it gold? It is. It's real gold. It's real gold. Now, did you win that? No, I am. Is it is it gold? It is it's real gold now. Did you win that? No, I got a trophy. I got it thrown in because I bought some other gold shit

And then I thought then I was like I need that so they gave it to me for free Well, at least you got the right microphone. I remember Patrice had a fucking crooner microphone Yeah, he had a crooner or some shit. I'm like, we don't use that microphone. That was a big thing in headshots for a while too, is if anybody has ever used that in comedy one. The cruner. Yeah, I don't think any young men use that fucking mic. Nobody fucking uses that dumb mic except, yeah, except for like Frank Sinatra, I think at one point.

It's called it's charming though, you know. It's an otter. I have that really on an island. I really, what's happening? It's, what's that? Am I on an island out here'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a It's not the promise over buddy, but it's the little things. It's the little things. Lauren has that. It's the little things that started to fucking. I forgot this.

I forgot that. I'm going to do that. And then I get I'm sorry and I go, okay. And then it never and then we then all of a sudden it's like, I'm going to be the fucking asshole because I'm asking for that for shit to be done that I wanted to be done, but I'm the asshole because I shouldn't you should be like, hey, can you, hey, maybe I'll try this way. Hey, can you, can you do that stuff next week and make sure everything's okay for the show? You're not an asshole. I love you. All right. I love you. How can you be mad at her? I can't. That's the problem. That's why I should

have got another guy for that job. I can't mad at Lauren. I can't second. it Lauren at one second. I Tate it The only one that knows how to control it she told you where that was in a domestic abuse wife kind of a way It's like it's over there It's on the shelf for you I'm against domestic abuse. I think it's wrong. Well, why do you have a haircut of a domestic abuser? Anyways, your hair is headphone ready. It's perfect. Oh my god, I can't wait to that comes in. You'll probably have a new haircut by then. Right now.

I don't like it. Anyways, I don't know course I'm just busting balls. I love Nick. But in some fucking way, these people really think fucking rock. Hey, not that I'm fuck. Right? Yeah. But what if he thought that it kind of was implied

like you know when people get an award and they forget to think i what uh... that's the gold microphone fuck with what did you know what if he thought it was implied like it went without saying you are right cast is what she said i get what she said what i'm saying is this is that hey fuckers,

if I didn't come here and go to the glory hole network, it wouldn't be right, it gets, it still be glory hole. A guy, get, hold me, put you dick and get another guy sucking it. But what if they think giving you credit on that managerial front is actually taking away from your comedic ability? So they don't want to paint you out to be this business mogul.

They want to continue the focus on your comedy. Right. Good angle. Yeah. This is a diplomat. What you need, man. Right. And Mike, Mike, that's not the case.

Here's the case is that Rob is once week, it's like we should do this podcast. I think I'll make the initial phone call Nick blah blah blah and I'll talk and talk and talk and talk and I'll fuck and Then be like boom and then I'll be okay cool. I'm handing you over to Rob now We'll probably take over all the technical stuff Rob actually can't went to Nick's house But look man, I'll do that shit too, but Rob is better at that shit than me But I I did my own podcast before fucking Rob I put it on the fucking internet

I had my podcast so that I recorded on my phone, push a button and it's up and everybody, I'm not an asshole technical wise. I could find out, I could figure it out. You're great, you're actually very good. I could figure it out and I know people that could do it. But Rob is the greatest at that and he's also great with people. I'm not that great with people.

At some point say. No, what are you? This is a sitcom and the fucking 50s? You don't say. I left what are you? What is this? Is it a sitcom in the fucking 50s? You don't say. I left a little space there for people to laugh. Of course you did. I left some space.

Let's go to some videos. Oh, fuck. We don't have any fucking video. Oh, damn it. I want to know how you didn't get... How on Memorial Day weekend, a longer week in the unusual, there's no videos. why, let me finish.

There's not one fucking fucked up video. When I have four or five of them saved, how did you not see? Just say, here's my thing. If you didn't do something, just say, dude, I fucked up, I didn't do it. Fuck off, I'm sorry, I fucked up. And we're done, we move on, just do it.

But when you say, there was no videos. And then I have to go, I'm sorry, I fucked up and we're done. We move on just do it But when you say there was no videos and then I have to go I'm fucking crazy Because I think there's videos I saw videos, but if there's no videos I'm fucking crazy So now I'm crazy or I'm a I'm a fucking asshole When you say I didn't do it. I didn't if I didn't do something I'd be like look. I didn't fucking read the script. I fucked up If I didn't do something, I'd be like, look, I didn't fucking read the script. I fucked up. I'm, I fucking, I look at, I didn't get, I didn't get a chance to learn my lines totally. What? Huh?

I just didn't read the script. I fucked up. Is this where we read throw stuff at Lauren? No, we shame her throw stuff at her. Right? You're telling me there's no, did you look for videos? No, I did. When did you look for videos? Uh, what's today Tuesday, Sunday, I perused and videos? No, I did. When did you look for videos? What's today Tuesday? Sunday, I perused and then I saw the tiger run slip.

Perused. Yeah, I understand. The word she's using. One night Sunday, I perused. No, I perused. I scanned Instagram. Right? Yeah.

Well, in fairness, though, the crown jewel video is not available yet. When the dashcam footage of tiger woods comes out, that's going to be a full episode. Can you be a man and just back me up in this? I have your back. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. What, you wanted your peruse? Sunday I did.

And then I sent you the Tiger Woods photo today because I thought we could talk about that. And then I brought up Mike going on Fallon so that we would talk about that. And then I just, I looked for, I saw some funny stuff but I didn't think it was that funny so I didn't pull it. But why would you make that decision? I don't know. I should why wouldn't I make that decision? Didn't I tell you that last week? I did right? Yeah, and you still said fuck what we agreed on

I'm sorry, right? Mm-hmm, and you and you just did it. All right, see, but that's kind of like I'm the thing you would be Yeah, huh? Because if she's not filtering it through somehow, what is she just gonna hand you the internet if there's nothing? Yes, if you see nothing, this is all I found fat boy. Hey fat boy. This is all I can't talk to you like that I'm gonna take up you on this one. She. Sorry, I keep going to that. This is Robert Kelly, your live on YKWD. Who's this? Hi, Bartow.

Hi, Bartow. You're on my show. What's up? It's wanted to go through a few things, man. What for the movie? Yep, that. Some other stuff coming up. What's the movie I'm shooting shooting. What's the director? What's his name? I forget his name. What's his name? I forget what is it? You don't really forget. No, what is I swear to God? what's his name? It's Peter Tattaburk. Oh, oh yeah, I know him, I know him. Okay, let me call you back after we'll talk, okay?

Okay, thanks. All right, let's talk about what you're doing. Can I show, we're on the phone, what are you gonna do? You know, if I have you, a lot of stuff going on. You had a four minute set on the tonight show. It was five minutes.

Let's not come on there. Don't cheat me on that. It was really good. Thank you Lauren. I assume that's why I'm on the show. You know what guys have me on the show? I actually voluntarily. We booked you.

I didn't even know you were doing that. Are you kidding me? It's all over the internet, basically from me retweeting it. I'm getting some laughs. Let me tell you something, you look. Get some laughs. You looked good. Thank you.

I was a suit. I thought my name really. Oh, I thought you were being serious. You did look good That's not what you want to hear. We do a comedy set. Yeah, look grace. Oh no Mike. Well, how do you feel? Sorry, this is all the these are all the things you don't want your agent to say. How'd you feel about it? It was amazing I Agree. I think it was one of the best late-night sets I've ever seen and my cannon never lies It tells the truth. night's that's i've ever seen and my cannon never lies i don't know it's the most economical fun like punchy set i've

had and i watched you work it out it was just fantastic to watch it was it was a special set i'm not doing big movies but i saw a lot of respect our clubs bobby calis and not all the clubs to i play clubs i play colleges uh... community colleges and the afternoons are my credits during lunch I'm gonna see it. Have you been watched it? Have you been on TV? Yeah. When? I've done the nightly show on Comedy Central.

I've done Comedy Knockout. No, have you done stand-up? Oh, no, not yet. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Where are you from? Brooklyn, Boone and Reigns. Are you really?

Yeah. You're so pretty. Oh, thank you. It's like, it's almost, I can't even talk. I'm not going to talk. I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk.

I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk. I been going to stand up? Five years. Where you from? Brooklyn, Buena Reyes. Are you really? Yeah. You're so pretty. Oh, thank you. It's like, it's almost, I can't even talk to you if I'm older. No, go after her now. It's go after Pretty Women's Day.

You went after Lauren, now take her down. I hate him, Dan. I hate him, Dan. That's my fucking point. Is that his? So fucking beautiful. Here's the fucking point, Mike. Here's the point.

I didn't go after. How? That's like a fucking dude in McDonald's the manager going Hey, you were supposed to make a bunch of fries today You remember we talked about you doing fries every day so we'd have fries to sell and then that I'm the how is he the asshole How am I going after you're not an asshole? I'm talking to my she's defending you I'm talking to my she's defending you Nor Walker has a name for this Maybe I shouldn't do it on the Maybe I should do it on the air. This is a productive. Maybe I should do it on the air I just think the fans deserve to know the truth while we sit here awkwardly and watch you abuse Lauren

We're going how am I abusing her? Yeah, I totally have flashbacks. I don't like it. How am I abusing her? I might even get done what you needed to get done. Now we got no fucking videos. It's my fault you're right. I'm still big. You're right.

You're amazing. You're not an asshole. Oh, you think I'm wrong? I think you're great. I think you're doing a good job. I think Mike doesn't want to get fucked up too. I think you put together a complex media outlet here that you're pushing out audio and visually.

It's great. What do you think, Mike? You think I'm a beauty? No, I think you do that. Oh, you think I'm a... Let me ask you a question. Yes, you do it at a production meeting, bro. You know I love you.

What do you think? What's your name? Carrie. Carrie, what do you think? I think I would have not like to hear it. But I don't think you spoke to her in an inappropriate tone. I just think that we could not hear. Thank you, don't think you spoke to her in an inappropriate tone. I just think that we can carry. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you, Carrie, for your

more than honest opinion. I just think you hate Michael. Thank you. I love. I love. I hate women. Let's move on. But let's move forward. First of all, if anybody has a hate women's shoulders, it's you. Okay. Hate and love. You have, you have, I hold women's necks against the wall. The wall's. I will move on. You did good on, you did do the tonight show. I didn't find out about you didn't tell me about it. You didn't ask me to tweet about it. You didn't even say nothing to me. And I saw you the night before.

I was probably in my head running it. Were you scared? I was in my head running. That scared the fucking, that's a loaded word. Well, I've been, I've been pet, first of all, I I was in my head running. That scared the fucking, that's a loaded word. Well, I've been, I've been pet, first of all, I was scared running my first scared dude. I've been fucking petrified when I did my first stupid, what's his name? The guy who had the late iron Allen. No, I wasn't scared for that. What's his name? The other guy. No, not that one. The,

what's his name? Craig Ferguson. No, what's the guy's name? The guy who had his show on NBC? Carson daily. I was petrified. So nervous that I had a nervous tick. Cause they get I'm used to having a mic with a cord and I do this. Right. And I pull it out. I know that feel like I'm your okay. I was I had a fucking a cordless and I was going like this with the mic in between in between jokes because I wasn't getting a laughs. I was going like this. I walked off my manage my age. I went, why were you doing that? What he goes you kept doing this. Terrible.

It's petrified. Is that online? Lauren, can we bring that? We can't. I've been on it twice. Carson daily. Wow. No, not wow Okay, well look at how good she works when you ask it to do something maybe you should be your fucking boss What what we're done

We're not done. It's gonna have what I gotta fucking talk like this to get you a fucking You're imitating me Bob now you're going after me because I didn't agree with you. I knew your paranoid fucking bicep It was chip chip A lot of what you say is funny some of it's hurtful I don't think you dumb. Carson daily, Robert Kelly. Carson daily, Robert Kelly. My name is Robert Kelly.

Yeah. Right. No, I'm right. That's not it. That's what, oh, look how thin I was. I'm going to go back to that. Go that way. Go back up.

What is that guy right there, Robert Kelly? Tea space, Robert Kelly. Who's that? What color can go were you wearing for this You know what Mike you're just Come on Not against you Bobby. I'm gonna get on for what's right here? You're against me. What's right is right? You're against me. You don't like me Mikey. That's are you crazy? You never have you kidding me? What are you doing you wanted to see what this I don't want to let the man is

His name's Robert Kelly, and I want to hear what Robert Kelly has to say Can you turn it up? Oh god, there's me in fucking 15 years up in the hamster giving some speech Don't know how to use the mic anymore All right, scroll up look at the eyebrows Right to get the same charisma though That's saying I don't have charisma You're saying that? No, this isn't but this is a podcast change to everything The risk of an Italian robot this is a podcast change everything is for an Italian robot. Is this a podcast?

That's what I hear when you talk B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. Jimmy. Alan. That's right. You should buy that suit and burn it. You look boxy motherfucker. You looked like you were like a fucking just nice up girl away. I wasn't smashing that off your back. You look like you should be at the door and fucking Atlantic City back in 62. Hey, welcome to the fucking riffs. Come on, let's go to his special.

Forget this old guy with a set of mole. No, it's melanoma. He's dying almost that uploaded. You know what? Could you not, Lord? Can I stop you because this is going to turn into you guys shitting on my side. I feel like that's what it's going to turn into.

I have nothing to say about 10 seconds. Well, I feel like this place used to be? What are we not fucking buzzed at balls? Except when you buzzed balls on my set. And you came back, then you came back hard at me. And then you came back to here. I know you were talking. What do you want?

What do you want? You want a marathon episode? You want YKWD? Let me know. It's all for you, Vecchio. Put his go. No, let's go. I'll take it.

I'll take my peony. You don't have a choice. There we go. Mike. Vecchio. my penis. You don't have a choice. There we go. Mike Vecchio. There we go. Let's see what comes up. One one thing on all of you. The hot women are moist. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. The hot. Oh God. Strategy. You guys got yell to get the nerves out. Why stop? Stop. Stop. Why? Okay, forget it. Go ahead. Why is you why are you letting your suit bell out? Why don't you button the bottom one too?

No, because that that was the technique you button the top one. If you look it up online, that's what all the but if you button the bottom one, when you move, you don't turn into a little bell. You understand? You keep the frame of the suit. Watch, you bell out. Watch, go back to the beginning, please. Watch this bell.

Look, your bell. Look, you're a bell. Look, it was fun. It was a room to just stick the way, though. I like it. Look at that. Bell. You guys are great.

You guys are great. My name's Mike. I'm a little short. I'm not short enough to be cute, not tall, enough to be an actual man. I'm in the middle of it. Women don't find me. I'm not short enough to be cute, not tall, enough to be an actual man. Women don't find me at doing what I still can't reach things. You're not good enough to be a headliner,

but you're not bad enough to be a fucking MC. I jabbed in, Bobby. It's a technique. We use in late night sets jabbing in. Why do your fingers look like they didn't grow? They stopped growing in the tips I knew what this was gonna become what I'm just saying. I'm just observing. I'm observing that you're Fingertips look smaller than everything else. Go ahead perfect combination of factors that women love non-threatening baby face shredded body women love that

Stop non-shredded Are you shredded now my roomy? Oh, we're gonna listen to the actual set, Bobby. I will say this. I'm trying to. It's fucking difficult. You look like it's not possible to knock you out though. You look like your jaw could absorb any amount of contact. You really do. You look like someone should test frying pens. going to stress. I could. Dirty baby face, you could trust me. Shredded body, I'll protect you. I'm not bad looking, but I have the complete opposite thing

happening. I have what I like to call ultimate fighter head. I got myself stopped. Stop. I'm telling you. Stop. Stop. Look at that. I'm telling you. Stop. This is what Mike does on his late night sets that I want everybody to absorb, which I observed and I noticed a long time ago.

No, you're not here today. Me too. What is it, Mike? The boyish smile in between little things. I call it the fucking Mr. Roper. It's cool. Remember when Mr. Roper used to get a good one and he'd smile before you, he'd be like, ah, and he turned in and do the camera.

Mike enjoys his set as much as the crowd. Look at him, look at him smiling. Go back a little bit, go back just a little bit. I want you to see the rope right there, right there, just hit this. Nice good joke. I'm not bad looking, but I have the complete opposite thing happening. Ready? I have what I like to call ultimate fighter head.

Hang on, stop it, right? Look at that. He liked it too. He's having a good time too. Got hit play. Right there. Right there. He's still alive. He's loving it. God, He looked over at fucking Jimmy. You like that one, Jim?

Let's go get Frozen Yogurt Torsso. Right? Am I right? Am I right, guys? You are right. Here we go. We're not going to get ice cream. We're going to get some fromeos with some fruit toppings.

Keep it responsible. There he likes it! Right he likes it! Right he likes it! Mikey likes it! Mikey likes it! You love it, you got it. If you're listening to this part, you have to go to YouTube, then you get home and count the how many time Mike likes his own joke, little smirks. You love it.

And I've brought, I called you from the road the last time I was watching your late night and I was like Mike Stop liking your joke so much, but the writing is so brilliant Jimmy Fallon is also one of the most generous like behind the curtain host because you can sit like you can laugh And you can kind of tell when they're bobbing their head back and forth But he like throws his body up where you can see that he's actually enjoying it And it like green lights it for everybody else. He's a great, he's one of the greatest shi- I mean for comics to the late night show host I think. I like- I like what's his name to Jimmy? Kimmel? I like Kimmel but his show isn't good to do stand-up now. I've done it.

It's not- no, it's not good He's great. I think it's great. Well also now they have people like he's introducing you facing camera Well, you're behind him and then he has half the crowd looking at the camera with him applauding and they have to shift and turn around 180 degrees to watch the stand up. No shit. It's fucking weird man. Yeah That's like Carson daily was terrible too. It was terrible because he would do a two hour of fucking like interview with an actor. That one's like the Sam Rockwell for two hour.

And then he go, you guys ready for comedy? You're like, not really. I'm ready for a fucking maybe an orange juice and some cheesets. I feel like I just gave blood. And then he brings you out fucking ice cold. Ice cold. I remember looking over and Kevin Bacon's band was there, and I was like, hey, Kevin, fucking help me. Go ahead.

I'm what they call the department store as a husky fit. I'm at the department store shopping for my husky fit pants. And I know I'm going from Husky to fat, because my pants size is 3630. That's how you know your fat, guys, when your pants size is an improper fraction. That is a good joke. That's a good one. That's a great joke.

Solid writing. Well, it's a good joke. Give yourself some great writing. Yeah, that was a great joke. That's a good one. That's a great joke. Solid writing. Well, it's a good joke. Give yourself some great writing. Yeah, that was a great joke. I thought that was really funny when I saw that when I laughed. Go ahead. On fifth of another human being, that's how I know.

Chunky. Chunky. So I throw it on a hundred. That's what I do when I'm insecure. I throw it on a hundred. Because when you throw it on a hundred guys, you go from Pajita Pant in one motion. I'm all right. I think that's a Jay Z song from Pajita Pant.

I don't know how to look at the band. It's just not the roots. Yeah, I know the roots are like, no, it's not. You're doing what an evil white man needs to do on late nights. So you have to put yourself down and then kind of like, I know hip-hop. Yeah, and then the black people go, no. Yeah, you just see silhouettes of Afro shaking.

No. Just a calm going like this. Black girls take enough to airings like, oh, all right, got it. Here, it takes my 100, it throws it up to the light, like it might be fake. You've ever had that? We're a cashier, really, examines your money.

And like, first of all, really, examines your money. And when, first of all, miss, you don't work for the Treasury Department. You're a cashier, you take it some wrong turns. She determined to shrily hands me back my change, but this time I'm a little angry. So I take each bow, she hands me back, I hold it up to the light. Send her a message, you don't investigate me.

I investigate you. I investigate you Reverse the investigation everybody a reverse the investigation Hey loves it. He loves it. No, but you love it. I love it too. You do you love it Please why did that turn me on? Do you ever go with a white guy? No, damn it. Why? I don't want to Why not a skins to know why would you not go with a white guy? Do you have a black boy from right now? Yeah, Let's not talk about it. That's actually personal.

Keep that stuff to yourself. Respect yourself. All right, my sister, let's move on. Is he a comedian? No. What does he do? He owns a nightclub. All right, let's definitely talk about it.

Let's just talk about the nightclub. Wanna plug his nightclub? What night's good? Wednesdays? No, Sarasie, why don't you like white guys? I don't know. Why do you hate white people? I don't. What did we do to you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no, I think that attractive people are attractive, but it takes more than that for me to want to have sex with people. I don't even have sex. I'm not talking about sex.

Oh, that's what you said. No, I said, no, go and do it. Oh, you said fucking a woman. I thought that's what we were talking about. I was not talking about fucking a woman. I think all types of people are attractive. Men, women, white. Have you been with a woman?

Sure. You've been with a woman. Yeah. You have sex with a woman? Yeah. But no whites Was it a white woman? We go with a white woman. Oh

Shit, you're like white women. I'm not opposed to it, but you know, you hate white people. I don't hate You guys just spy. We're having fun. No. I mean, I like a certain black girl. I don't like all black. Like, I'm not a crossable, but I'm not a crossable with white girls. I'm not really into blondes. I'm going to brunettes.

If it's a blonde, like a hay blonde, you know, like, hey, hair. I fucking never go with a redhead. I've been with a couple of them just out of desperation And they like me way more than I like them. So like, you know, that's my key if you like me a lot that I'm India for a couple But I like black girls, but like not all black girls, you know, which ones don't you like? I've said this before I don't like white black girls. I don't like a black girl that's like, hey, how are you? Oh, we got so much fun. They're the craziest people on the planet earth.

You don't like Cosby? No, I don't like, though, they were black girls. Those were black girls. I'm talking white, like, hi, oh my god, I want to call you here. You mean the ones that date white men, like just like, written on the page of the polyster? I don't know, it's weird. They're just, you know, it's weird.

I just had bad things with, I've dated a couple white black girls and it was just, it date. You want a white girl, you date a white girl? I like a black girl, like, if I was the date of black girl, you would be the type of black girl I would date. I dated a white guy once, I went on a date. He was bald. You right?

But it turned into like a culture exchange program. And I don't got time for that. I was like, what do you do? Well, is that your hair? And like, can you dance? Like, yes. But like, you know what I mean? I didn't know about that.

It's not funny. I'll tell you, the first black girl I dated was Debbie. I was the first black girl I ever dated was Janine McKay and Sixth grad. Because I went to a half black, half white school, right? Well not even, I was like, maybe it was more minority than it was white. And Janine McKay, so beautiful tall thin,

that's that black, I like those, you know, fucking Tootsie tribe girls, you know, fucking tall. I like a tall thin. That's not offensive, put your eyebrows down. That's not what I'm saying. That's not okay. Put your eyebrows down. That's not like it's that okay I And then years that I'm a Debbie who was a friend and

She we went on a date and I got all I did get all fucking who I called their colored By accident that'll do it. You went to say it in your head. No, no, because it just, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it just turned to African American. Right. Like, you don't call, you don't say black. I love black.

I hate African American, but I like black. I like black. I was confusing for people. It's a whole thing. I like black. I like black girl. I like black, but it just changed over to It's a whole thing. I like black. I like all I did. I like black. But it just changed over to you. You're supposed to say African American.

So I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if it was black. But my grandfather was from back in the day and he still said the color guy next door. And he didn't mean it. And that's just what he called them growing up. And he didn't know that they went to black and then African American. So he was, and I'd be like, pop your can't see that. What was the column?

You know, maybe you say you can say African American. So he was, and I'd be like, pop your cantin, what was the column? You know what I mean? You say you can say African American, all right. But, so I was like, I was sitting in the car, and I told this one, opening the Anthony. I was like, I'm nervous, and she's like, why? And I was like, I've never dated a colored girl before. She went, motherfucker. You know what I mean?

I was like, what, what? She goes, you know, I'm not colored, what the fuck you call? She got very colored on me. I just got colorful. And she started, she goes, look, you can say black, you can say African-American, that's what you, but you don't call it.

And I was like, I fucked up, I'm so sorry. And she was, she was so cool. She was like, all right, listen, let's just start the fuck over from right here. And she leaned in and started kissing me. And I was like, fuck yeah. And we started kissing it. It was awesome. She was great. And I stopped asking questions after that. She was just a chick after that. We just make it out. But I like that your impression of her was far more offensive than you calling her color. I know. She was like, mother fucker.

She did. She got fucking, she got ghetto. She got ghetto her fucking never teedier angi, hit me in the eye. I know. I, I, but I, um, I don't, I mean, I guess yeah, the fight, when was that, on this black girl, you dated? I never dated black girl. Never did. You say I'll never date a black girl.

I never did date. Oh, that you said I will never, I never did. I was like, that's pretty bold on the never dated. I never dated black girl. Never did. Do you see how never dated black girl? I never did. Oh, they said I will never. I never did. I was like, that's pretty bold. I'll never date. I actually have never dated. I've never really dated white girl outside of like, it's not your own.

That's really true. Italian and Hispanic mostly has been my trend. I kind of guessed that. What about, of course, look at them. All right, all right, Poppy. Well, it's not a bad thing. Why is that a bad thing? You the way you said it there's built right into the way you say I said look at them. It looks great looks like an instant dying guy What are you got I used to have a cheerleader that was assigned to me in high school?

I'm so done What yeah, well I was a captain the best wall team. So she was, they assigned everybody, but she would bake me stuff and then blow me in the stairwell before getting. Michael. What? Michael. That was a big part of my high school.

I like, I was getting blow jobs in stairwell since seventh grade. What are you doing a bit right now? That's right. Are you really? It's called baking and butter. Starewell hookups. Yeah. I've faked getting out of art class ones just to get bone-missed.

I've made out in the cereal in between class ones, but that was it. Do you have video of that? No. Of course you don't. I was. You have no videos. I have. Yeah, good.

Thank God. Yeah. Hey, Michael can and baking and blowing. Yeah. So you had a girl assigned to suck your dick? I mean, that wasn't part of her job description, but she just took it upon herself to motivate me. To get that extra credit.

What if she stopped sucking your dick one week and just didn't do it? Would you be pissed? Well, her brother gave me a bullet at one point. I thought she was a blowjob. Give me a bullet to put to her head and say, you know, suck my dick. It was weird, because I guess he knew what was going on.

But he gave me a bullet. And I was like, this doesn't scare him without the actual thing that, you know, deploys it. This doesn't do anything for me. So we kept like hooking up and then it kind of just dissipated over time. Wait a minute, stop, slow down. You go, you're really jumping across some fucking territory

here that we need to cover. Okay. So the brother was, what was he? Was he in the football team basketball team? He was older. He was out of high school at that point. So he's out of high school. And the brother found, was he, what was he? Was he in the football team basketball? No, he was older. He was out of high school at that point. So he's out of high school. And the brother found out that his little sister

was sucking your deck. Yeah. But why would he be mad at that? I don't know, because some older brothers want to fucking younger sisters. Yeah, it's just a wildly weird thing. No, no, but that's this, it's, it's, it's, I can see how he would be upset

when I was sending you a bullet. I was, I was nice to her. I could see why he would think that was bad. Well, where are you doing anything back to her? Yeah, of course. Yeah, we were hooking up. So that's all we wrote. I didn't hear that.

Well, that was the girl was in the staircase blowing you, giving you fucking gay goods after. Because you were on the basketball team. Yeah. Catch up the basketball team. Oh, it's captain. You the captain. Give me some credit.

So you were the captain of the basketball team in high school? Yeah. For the whole four years. Oh, no for for my senior year and then I was I was like Incoming captain my junior year. So you're very popular in high school I did okay, but I had like wild swings of anxiety and depression and like weird Sensitivity issues I guess I don't know Cuz I I both I got bullied I probably bullied somebody at some point. I was kind of, I was all in it. I did a musical theater too.

It was like, I have a huge, I would do. This guy's literally mama. He's so adorable. This guy's just opening it up. He's like, I got bullied, I got bullied. I was having anxiety issues. I just literally, he's used that. I did musical theater.

Ah, haha, he's done. That's why you can't date a white guy. That's why I'm musical theater. You stuck. That's why you can't date a white guy. That's why I'm gonna go over the play. You don't respect my struggle, can I? I got it. No, I thought it was the plan. So I took a side of you. It was weird though, like since I've been like,

since I was seven, my parents would make me sing show tunes for company. Stop for a second. Yeah. Can we hear one? No. No, because Bluntz and Puberty completely destroyed the way. Boba, I will sing with you. Stop for a second. Yeah. Can we hear one? No, no, because once in puberty completely I will sing with you. There's no chance. Why? Because I just can't do it. That's a very that's me opening myself up in a way that I'm not prepared to do You don't know a show. I love showtunes. Of course. I know showtunes. Why can't you sing? I use to sing a whole new world with my older sister and

I'll say you're you sound great. Oh, how did you go? How's it go? I can't come on? Yeah, let's do it. Come on. Let's do it. No, let's get through it I'll get through with you can you find a home the world There is no nervous. We were all sweating when it was hard to find. No, Bobby, leave me alone. Let's do it. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

Shout out, stop trying to stall shows, get back to your set. We'll get back to my set. Don't worry about it. You know? Listen, it's a great segue. It's coming up in my, Mike. We'll go to my, I love this song first of all. And I love show, ah, you can sacrifice your sacrosan,

and the back row. Gypsy. See, I was a big phantom of the opera. Ooh, I like phantoms of the opera. Jesus Christ, that was my first time performing for a live audience. I sang all I asked of you. What is that song?

Uh, no more talk of darkness. Oh my God, you're so awesome. Oh my God. You're so awesome. I'm like the phantom. You have. You have my first time I ever got a live. You mother fucker.

Because I forgot the words and I just said, oh, fuck into the mic and the whole place like blew up and I was like, well, that felt good. Yeah. The laugh, can I, that's weird that you were doing this serious song singing and you fucked up. You said, fuck, got a laugh and it made you feel good. Immediately. Yeah.

Yeah. That was better than singing like on any level. I took hip-hop dance classes. I wanted to be an in sync. I was trying to find a shortcut to get women because I felt so uncomfortable talking to women. Let me hear this. The Phantom. Yeah.

The night time. The head excited. The loudest. The night. It feels each and every. I still don't remember the words to the fact. I'm excited. I still don't remember the words to the spectra. Oh, band in the defenses. I knew the real pause. That's the fuck.

That was, I think, the fuck. Hang on. Here we go. Slow. The gently. I don't remember the words. Slow I don't remember the words right work through it There we go This is going well Finish big I got that I forget the fucking way didn't even start it Oh This is all I ask of you but

Is that coming? It's right here. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Thank you, though. I think I'm gonna sing it again this time. You're gonna shoot threes as you're singing it. And Lauren's gonna suck you off. Thank God. I'm gonna sing it with you. I'm gonna have your fucking club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your fucking club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your fucking club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your fucking club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend.

I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. I'm gonna have your club owner boyfriend. Is he big your boyfriend? Yeah, yeah, six seven. She's not dating somebody like you

Or me I'll put me in there. She don't feel fucking back I'm so sensitive and I can't even sing my I feel Mike would be physically dominant and bad though I think he could do a good job. Oh my god. I'm a I smack yeah What does that mean? I didn't know it was good at back Well, you see you open back I grip by open smack yeah, let's move on in the face over the board You are a wife beater. Yeah, who's the wife beater now? You're the fucking violent on the face Bob Violent walk. I'll be queue up West Side Story. Let's go. Let's do it. I'm getting my snaps on I do the joke to the completion. I don't

Look at a laugh back in where's Mike's? Yeah, good. Just play a joke to the completion. I don't know why I listen to it. We're gonna laugh back in. Where's Mike's? They're gonna just play a little bit. Oh, I love this is my favorite part of the, um, keep going. I live in Queens and my car was stolen recently in Queens where I live. I go to my car, it's not there. I call 911.

It took the police two hours to get to me. Two hours. They got there. I'm like, officer, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but in the time police two hours to get to me, two hours. They got there, I'm like, officer, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but in the time it took you to get here, I could have watched four episodes of the show cops. I love it!

I love it! I love it! I love it! I love it! I love it! Good one! Let me give a little, you guys enjoy that, I'm gonna enjoy it over here.

I love it! Oh my here. Oh my God. Oh my God. You gotta see, you gotta have this, man. You can't just watch a dude's set, and be like, that was a good set. You gotta watch for the nuances. That's very true. Oh, Mike enjoys it.

I love how much you love your sets. I agree with you, Bobby. It's great pacing. Let's keep it going. Okay. Buddy. To a grand theft auto. I agree with you Bobby, it's great pacing. Let's keep it going. Okay. Buddy. To a grand theft auto.

Nothing says we do not care about your emergency. Like cops on horses. So I wrote a Yelp review. Do you guys know that you can Yelp review your local police precinct? I do know that. You can write a Yelp review, like there are chillies. So I'm like, cop shut up on horses to my grand theft auto. You guys really need to update your equipment. And I told the cop that he's like, we put out an APB.

I'm like, with what? Pigeons? Because obviously you're using a Noah's Ark type system to get my car back. He loves it! He loves it, man! I'm not sending it to me, which doesn't make sense, because I look like every cop in their precinct. Insert cop joke.

Loves it! Loves it! Mike enjoys his set. Like, no other. I've never seen a comic in the middle of his set. Just, I'm gonna take a little laugh. Hey, you guys like that me too. Right here. Let me get a little bit.

Let me taste what you're tasting. Oh, look at the eyebrows. He's like, who do you think stole your car? I'm like, I don't know, officer. Are we using the secratic method of crime solving? Is it an acting exercise? Are you part of an improv team? My guess is somebody who does not have a car.

Oh, perhaps somebody who does not have a car. Perhaps somebody who rides a horse. I reverse the investigation again, guys. I reverse the investigation. Now, that is a question stop. It's a call back, Bobby. Why do you repeat things? I like to drive the point home.

Is that what you're trying to say? I mean, I'm asking, so... No, I really, it drives the point because if you repeat it... I'm not drive the point home. Is that what I mean? I'm asking. No, I really it drives the point because if you repeat it, I'm not asking me a dick. I think there is everybody has a technique or a thing that they do and you do that. I think it's funny. No, I knew to it's it's it's it's driving the point home. Yeah, okay. Chris Rock School of Comedy. Doesn't he? He does that on the premise. Yeah, does he do that? Okay. That's an interesting thing for people who don't know stand up. That's an interesting thing for people who don't know stand up if they watch this set and they see you know you might just watch the set and laugh a lot of people do. I think that's interesting. I'm curious also how.

Hang on one second. Sorry. Honey, you're on the podcast. Oh, hi everybody. Hi, Don. Hi Don. Hi. I was just checking in.

You can call me later. Is it good? Everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine. How's the leader? Is the kid okay? Yeah. Just call me later.

Well, it's good. All right, I want to call you later. Okay, I'm sorry. Lauren made me mad today. Bobby. Why? Don't see you Saturday. Can't wait.

What Saturday? I hope it doesn't rain, everybody. Let's do a no rain dance. Well, we have a rain dance the Sunday. Well, the weather looks right now. A rainy Saturday and Sunday. All right. It just changed. I don't know why. So, I don't know what's going on. It's called clouds and atmosphere. It just changed. I don't know why. So I don't know what's going on. It's called clouds and atmosphere. That's why. It's called the earth.

Meteorologist. All right. This is I don't like I don't like anybody in this room. I like a black girl. Can I do a black girl? I like a black girl. And I did a black girl. It's your married. Okay, goodbye. Bye. You sound hot, Don.

No, no, you look like you're eating my wife's pussy. I'm like, what sounded really great? Yeah, you didn't happen. What? If I had come home and saw you with my wife, you and Lauren, just fooling around on my couch. I loved Don. She's beautiful.

I didn't expect to be like, I was hiding a bush. I would hide in the bush, making... Wait, what? What? Come on. Come on. I didn't know to laugh, because you didn't expect I was hiding a bush. I would hide in the bush. Oh, what? Come on. I didn't know the laugh because you didn't laugh. That's a callback. That's a callback. That's a callback. I did that on my Comedy Central Special on the guy wrote a comment.

He's like, this guy sounds like a gay tape recorder. That's funny. All right. This Sunday's the barbecue. You're invited. You already got invited. Now I gotta invite these two, you fuck. It's okay.

Don't worry about that. I didn't. Don's the one who mentioned it. But I told you a couple of weeks ago. I told you about it. You're like, yeah, cool. Yeah, I'm in. All right. If it. You're like, yeah, cool. Yeah, I'm in.

All right, if it's happening. Oh, now it might not be, because I know, just kidding. Here's a deal. What? A lot of people are coming. Oh, why out of town? Well, yeah, because we had it on a Saturday this year. Last year we had it on a Saturday, but it was on a Sunday.

And we just looked out that everybody was around, but this year a lot of people are not coming because they're not around because it's on a Saturday. It was on the Sunday. A lot of people could show up. So we're still having it because it's about the kids birthday. But I'm doing another comics barbecue with just comedians, maybe the week after on a Sunday. And it's smoke a sweet cigar and both of them. Yeah. well, I have sweet cigars Can you not rest your head are you tired? The producer you showed me.

I wasn't resting on it. I was resting her face on the microphone. Do you know who used to do that a lot? Eric Rivera used to put that on his chin. I like it. It's comfortable. Do you remember that? Eric Bobby's opener for a long time.

Let's not go there because his father just passed away. Did he receive a switch? That's not what I was going to say. Before we started fucking trashing that little Mexican. That wasn't even good. That quadlimal in my comedy club, though. And that fucking Mike has been changed out since the 70s. It was awful.

That was his thing. He did that. I don't know. Everybody has that little thing that they do, but yeah, he did do that. Yeah, his father passed away. He was in sound. Yeah, it does suck. You know, when somebody dies, you know, but it's weird.

Do you have, are you speaking of that? Let's go back to my set. No, this is what I do, cause you're ready to watch. I don't, I use my chin to move it. You can use your chin to move a fuck and a fuck. I hate you. I hate you. No.

That's why, Oh, it's such you have a boyfriend. Six, seven, six, seven. Yeah, but I think it's nightclub owner too. That's always fun. Yeah. That means he has guns. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Look at, look at, she's like, yeah, I'm into it. I'm here for all of it. You love, you like man, man. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. Good for you.

You have a lot of money too, right? Because you have the club. You as well. Oh, so he's a you. You have a lot of money too, right? Because he has a club. He has as well. Oh, so he's a criminal. Who isn't? My mother, my father, my grandmother, my uncles, my aunts, my son, my wife, my neighbor Dolores,

her grandson Bobby across the street, Mark and Hope next door. That's what you think. Oh, I fucking actually know. She said who isn't everybody I fucking know, except for you and your boyfriend. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Um, um, shit.

We explode seven. Let's just go see the captain of his basketball team too. No. I've got to be basketball because Mike, I'm calling you back to Mike. I wasn't a black thing. I was, I wasn't a black thing at all. I'm against racism. I think it's wrong.

I think, of course we do. Who, who even thinks? Like, I mean, we're all racist, right? In our own way, but we're not racist, racist. You're racist. We're racist. You're racist. Everybody's racist in their own little way,

but I don't give a fuck I saw We don't discriminate I think it's prejudice You can be prejudiced when I discriminate Yeah, I don't I like people with values good values the same values as me I don't give a fuck what you do what you look like yeah, just to have the same values as me and be a good person That's what I like I don't like shitty people have the same values as me and be a good person. That's what I like. I don't like shitty people. Yeah, racism is just actively trying to hold down somebody based on their skin color or culture. I don't try to do that, but I certainly will cross the street every once in a while. I see somebody

who I deem potential danger. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I try not to cross the street. That's not because I'm a, that's not because I'm a, that's not because I'm a fucking moron tough guy. And I don't want to be bitched out of walking across the street. I would cross the street if I saw you. You're like one button away from being a well-read Jolo. That was pretty good. No, I love it. This is why I'm giving this to you. This is why I'm giving this to you. I understand. Here's why he did the glasses and it was pretty well thought out.

I know, but it was too, he had, he telegraphed it. I saw that coming, I mean, it didn't, he literally went, took a breath to get well, Bobo Cholo. He needed to get the Cholo and he took Cholo breath. Put that right on there. That's part of his singing, part of his singing. I was opening my mind.olo breath put that right on there. That's part of his singing. That's part of his singing. I was opening my separate breath on your microphone.

I wouldn't if I saw Mike walking across you that I'd fucking bump shoulders right with you. Yeah. Yeah. If I say you walking down just taking up too much space, I'd fucking I'd put my shoulder right in and then I'd

go. But no, you wouldn't. And I was so sorry. I didn't, and I, no, sorry. But you would, if you were in a bad mood, like I've learned it and upload videos for the weekend or something and you were walking around with that, then you would want to throw your shoulder into somebody like me. She doesn't have to upload anything. She just has to get a link, a link to a video. Just get the link, just watch videos and put the links up. And then send me the links the night before so I can see what she did

That's all she has to do sounds like a lot of that's all she has to do is get a fucking No, it isn't it takes four minutes Go to Facebook Bobby because we're having an organic conversation right now We would never found out about this fucking gem over here or her Six of its seven boyfriend. We would never be finding this stuff. We're watching videos of stuff. Oh my god It is a cat fail crazy, right? We're it's organic now. We're feeling things and you're getting to know your guests

What if I want it to be a bit of your power guys? Let's go back to my boyfriend I don't want to be listening to this. Do you have a not listen? And I'm not going to be. He's waiting outside. First of all, first of all, it's a podcast. He's not going to, a black club owner from Brooklyn isn't going, yo, I got to download those white guys podcasts. He does.

Yeah, because he's a great career. Yeah, he's very involved in that. Is he really? Yeah, he likes comedy. That's so sweet. It really is a gem. Sounds like a nice one. He's not strangling people. He enjoys laughing.

When he's not muscling people out of the real estate so he can open up a bar next door to his nightclub, he's a sweet guy. But he's not threatening a Chinese family for the money they owe him. LAUGHTER He's a sweet guy. LAUGHTER

Do you live with him? Uh, mostly. Wow. So you have your own Uh, mostly. Wow. So you have your own place, too? Yes. By yourself, Solo? No, I live with my sister. Your sister?

She looked like you? Yes, actually. Yeah. She's both gorgeous. She racist, still like you? A little bit. She's not J. White, guys? She has, I don't know.

No, she hasn't dated any, but I'm sure she's probably had a road. I thought you said her boyfriend's six-eight. Yeah. She has, I don't know. No, she hasn't dated any, but I'm sure she's probably had a road. I thought you said her boyfriend, 6'8". Yeah. She's single. She's single. Okay. Next time.

Yeah. She's becoming. She manages me and Verzi. Fuck you. She's meant. Wow. What? No.

So I didn't mean to like that. Yeah, I saw he's been later on. That's great. I love Verzi. Yeah. She's meant put on later on. That's great. I love Virzy. Yeah. She's made, he, what's your name? Crystal. No, the management name.

Starquite entertainment. Starquite. So, all right. She named it after Virzy. Yeah. How are you under Starquite? I don't know. It's fucking ironic.

That's so funny. If it was Star Black, it'd be too expected.. Oh, good. I'm glad that you're happy with your boyfriend who kills people. Why are you not in your head? Yes. I would. Okay. Not the kill party. He's never heard more tonight. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. I'm moving on. Back to you, sissy boy. You sing some more songs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to the grind. How are you doing? Some road work. I'm doing fine. Yeah. Yeah. This was nice. This was a nice victory. I know we're all laughing about it, but I needed it in a little bump. It is a good bump. And the comedy community was talking about it. Yeah. And you killed it. Yeah.

So it's great. It's hard, man, right now. I mean, well, not for you, you're doing movies. I mean, it's a small partner. Steven's on. What was that we can hear? Oh, there's look, man, I'm not these TV show. The rest of the cast. Um, well, you announced it at the barb. Make the Apollo. I want to thank Rob sprints. You were saying it's hard right now.

I think it's hard right now. It's hard for me right now. Look, I'm coming off. I went from Louis to sex drugs, all the shit going on. And now it's like, you know, when I did my last hour, you were, it was the last cusp of these Where hours were almost special hours aren't special anymore, right?

This thing is a special hour. You can do all I look at what you do to the fucking set how many lights you have You could have a fucking golden guitar Midget come down and twist That would probably get you some hits. That's very cool. But also, isn't that a weird thing to complain about though? Because comics, we were at, we were so beholden to the industry. And now finally, the internet is providing everybody with an opportunity in the

out of course. But of course, that's going to be come up because it's not because the good shit still rises. No, it doesn't. Which ones? What's that name one? Fuck it. Gary Gullman's body.

They all know Netflix didn't pick. Nobody would who picked it up they picked it up a year later It should have been on Netflix from the Netflix original no it should have been but it wasn't that's Jim Cerebroco Jim Cerebroco fucking was like Gary goman should have a special Mm-hmm because he's that funny and he filmed to put his money up and and and and Directed it and filmed it and did it and Then you know what I'm saying that should have been a no-brainer a Gary Gullman yeah want the

The best joke writer out right now as far as fucking Just uniqueness. I mean really I mean I don't get it I have a question being guys. Do you think it's hard being a straight white man? Are you sure I'm your white guys? I'm sorry. I apologize. Go ahead. Talk to us. What? Is it hard being a straight white male in comedy right now? I'm not answering that. I've heard. I'm not answering that. I don't get a chance to sit in a room with three of you at a time.

So this is my fucking- It's your boyfriend doesn't let you. Yeah. Exactly. He says, but it's not the same. He's racist. You definitely have a shot. I don't want you sitting in a room with the devils. That's not so terrible when you say it. That's the way you're sitting. I'm on your side. No, that's a job, guys. It's things to do. I um, I thought that's what you were gonna say, though,

when you're sitting at the start right now. And I've heard that. Look, they don't right now, they don't want white. They, they want minorities, they want women. That's it, they want, you know, they want something different because, because everybody's screaming y'all about it. It's weird too that like, I remember coming up

and a lot of women comic which were like you know guys always talk about as their dicks and shit and then you watch a lot of girls comedy you're like wow you guys are really talking about your pussy isn't taking a shit it's like you guys are dirty too it's like wait you you know what I mean it's like you guys are just well human beings doesn't matter if you have a vajra fucking what it is comedy comedy you're going to talk about the shit you know and if dating and fucking and you pussy and shit in your pants or pissing whatever or you're going to talk about that. It's weird. It's something

wow. I remember coming up. I think it's hard right now though. I think it's to me. What special is special? Specials aren't special anymore. And there's too much. It is over Saturday. And you say it's you say it's a good thing, it's a good thing. Well, I don't know if it's good. It's not a, I just think it's an odd complaint just that there are more opportunities. So yeah, I think it sucks that we have more opportunities for the wrong people. Right. Yeah, maybe, but I also that you could create your own opportunity because what else are we doing here? What are you doing right here?

You can't, you can create your own opportunity, but the people, there's a big difference between, if you get something on Netflix, you'll talk it eyes on. If you get something on YouTube, it's a fucking shot in a million if you get that thing to blow up. You can put your shit on, but if I take you and do an hour with you and put it on YouTube,

or even put it on YouTube, right? Or even put it beyond a paywall, you know, $2 by this. You're not gonna get shit. If I take that same special and put it on Netflix and had you'd fucking blow the fuck up. A lot of people would see you. Yeah, I definitely agree with that. And you know, I don't know. I'm just I'm trying to look at it from an optimistic point of view because I think sure it's hard to be a straight white guy I bet it's pretty hard to be a black woman. I bet it's hard to do comedy in general Especially trying to launch yourself But with with straight white guys, which is the only experience I currently have it's there's a lot of us And there's finite amount of spaces that were allowed to take up so I'm trying to look at it from a perspective of

Okay, I don't have a body of work out there So what can I do? I can create a body of work, and that's the only thing I can do to hopefully drive eyes to me. If I don't have that body of work, then I'm just some fucking vacant idiot that's yelling about a non-existent opportunity. I don't think that's true.

I think you can have the body, you have no choice. Agreed, yeah. You're not making that choice. You have no choice. You have a body of work because you're a comic and you rewrite, right? That's what you do. It's a river that's flowing. And if there's no, it's either going to flow into, you know, somewhere where people can use it or it's just going to just be there. It's not like you're saying, hey, I'm going to

go, I'm going to go do this stuff and who cares? You're going to do that anyways because you're a standup. You you're gonna build up an hour special. At the end of that, you know, what it was, was that you, build up, build up, become, you know, work on it and then you get that hour and then somebody says, hey, do you wanna do an hour or maybe your second hour, you know, whatever is on tape or or

DVD and then you get an hour special on a comedy central you did a half hour and then you did an hour and then you did another hour and now that's not the way it goes people who have done hours are back going back and doing half hours, right? just to be on Netflix just to have those eyes on you because it makes sense monetarily and business wise. That doesn't make sense. Who the fuck, could you imagine any Murphy doing a half hour? Could you imagine Steven Wright going back and doing a half hour?

Could you imagine Patrice O'Neill doing a half hour? No, it's, but it's changed right in front of our fucking eyes. Yeah, I think I just read today that Dion Cole is doing a half hour for Netflix But I think he just did an hour not too long. Yeah, that was kind of weird to see like that some people that's been around for a long time doing 30 You're gonna do what you're gonna do whatever you can to get eyes on you. That's really what the important Oh, or you don't do it and you say fuck it and you keep it and you do You film it yourself and have it and try to sell it or just have it and take the hit right? Yeah Yeah. I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I have an hour.

Nobody wants to shoot my hour. What am I going to do? I can go. I can try to sell it somewhere. Hopefully, maybe Netflix would be like, you know, Robbie. I love Robbie. Who knows? Right. You know, they have, they have all kinds of parameters that they're following. We want this. So we want just this. Right. I don't think it's not so much quality of content that's being considered. Now that's the problem. I don't think funny is in the equation. See, that's, that's a major problem.

If funny is not in the equation, it's more about this other superficial stuff, regardless whether you're white, black, a woman, or whatever, funny should supersede everything. But it can't. It doesn't. Because if you have, if you, if you, the numbers will be skewed. You know, I think women are catching up now.

I think there's a lot of funny women. More than there was 10 years ago. Right. You know, I can't wait to be the fucking minority. I can't wait to fuck it. There's no white man ever I can't wait cuz I'm gonna I'm gonna bitch as much as you guys did I'm gonna be out there fucking on

I'm gonna be out there with Mike and fucking dance order rich boss my dude name Mike I have been praying for cancer just to get I have been praying for cancer just to get to the shot. I need a man. I don't even want regular cancer. I want like, Vag cancer. I want like, cancer guys can never get. Bobby got, Bobby got vagina cancer and breast cancer. You close by getting the tumor.

I get both of my kids take it off. I lose weight and I get a fucking special. It wins all the way around. Yeah, it's a weird thing right now. Digital age and fucking has taken, I mean, it's almost like what porn went through. It's just free, right? Like they lost an industry because of the internet.

Cause what would you do if you started now? So like, take away all your acting class. Yeah, I would just go to fucking acting class. You wouldn't focus on stand up. I would, I would do stand up. I don't know. You have to focus on that. I would just go to clubs and do stand up at night. I'd fucking go to acting class during the day. I would act, act, act, act, act, act, and fucking become so weird and actory. And then I'd fucking do stand up at night. Do my shit. Get my dick sounding a sock under a fucking stairwell. It's all it's still it's even tough to do that. It gets tough. Well, it takes a lot of stuff. Well, no, it's not. But to go up and do clubs every single night is still a difficult thing as somebody who isn't necessarily a draw

because even the clubs, they're competing with themselves so much within the city that they're having to put on lesser experience comics that are a draw because they've been on an MTV show where they've been on snapchat or something like that. So that is even tougher to just at the grassroots of all this still just work on your act. Yeah. But she's thought let's just. Yeah, that was very we were all like shit. I was like what I got to do. I have to do some stuff. I said we all go work for a boyfriend at the club. No.

Let's go to the club. Say. Let's do it. I said we just go there and just work at the club. Dude, me. He would do a comedy night. Am I right? Me and Mike are ahead of security.

You do nighttime management, right? I'll sing a few ditties. Yeah. You sing here at the comedy comedy me and you do comedy What could I do? We just once for years or he'd fire Where's my videos? I I tried I love the act out. There's no

There's no videos. Hmm. Oh, I'm sick weight, sir. Oh, I'll do your boyfriend ready? Guys, we have to get out. Oh, fuck yourself. You were in a gold microphone. He's wearing gold too. He's got a gold microphone stand.

I thought it was good. I thought it was good. I got it. I got it. I'd probably not for gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm probably not for him, probably gonna get my ass kicked later. Yo, put your mic in must. He's 6'7, what am I? 5'8".

I don't know, let's watch your act again on the fucking late show. Let's run it back. Don't let go. No, what are you doing? It's a kidding, I'm kidding. Not even Mike would laugh at that in the show. If you play back place on the second time,

I'm not laughing. that in the show. If you play back place on the second time, he's not laughing. You guys want to become a premium member. The where do you go? You download the rubber killies. You know what, dude, app. It's like I'm talking a lot of people have subscribed. Yeah. Oh, it's great. It's only $199 a month. $199 a month. And you get, and I know there was a couple of people, we were trying to figure it out, but appreciate. Kids is up there. Both of them. We have, I just did a one-on-one with Nick DePolo,

which is up there for only premium members. Me and Nick sat down in New Orleans, had a one-on-one. I didn't know he didn't thank me at the time. And then we have the R.A. Shafer, Waiki W.D. and Denmark. Yeah, Denmark. I was in Denmark with R.A. and we met in a comic from Iceland and then from Denmark and there was an Ireland comic.

I forget their names. I'm shit with that. And but it was a really cool podcast. That's up there. Only for premium members. And this week I'm dropping my Colin Quinn episode that we talked about the making of an hour special

Uh, wow, but he's done a shitload of five five times So we talked about that and we're gonna actually go back when he's down with it. I'm gonna do another one with him So only premium members get that you download the app wherever killies you know what dude app Join iOS and Apple. Yeah, just join right there and look at if I had one guy I don't how do I own subscribe from this figure it out fuck off What do you want me to do? We're fucking it says unsubscribe in the app just figure it out. You a fucking numbs go. Why would I help you? But all those people that subscribe and and man I love you to death and there's still a couple people that donate a little bit once in a while Pero todos los que suscriban y me gustan a la gente.

Y aún hay un poco de que se deshazan un poco de un poco de la gente. A la gente que se deshazan, gracias a tu, todo eso nos ayuda. monumentos rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Huelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com ¿Eso es que tenemos no de edad para esta semana? Oh, que es bien, que es wonderful. ¿Qué? ¿No es que la gente se hace bien?

¡Hey, tenemos que vernos como la esponja! ¡No! ¡No! ¡No! ¡No! You know, a show is doing good. Hey, we have us like to thank our sponsors. No one. No one. No one. No one. Now you're not beholden to the man though, you can say whatever you want. Yeah, but I'm beholden to fucking Adam

and fucking her who need money, or they'll not get videos. I'm gonna make a video for that, so you- I woulda took it! I'll take it! Whatever you got. I'll fucking take. I'll take it. Whatever you got. I'll fucking take a big video What I do at a daily basis you have any videos for the next episode I do Why would you not use those?

Bobby I love you. I love you. I love you too. I I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you too, but I get gun shy, you know. Why? Because I work with scope for a year. Dude, did you, I, uh, don't know. No, I actually, I've had a really tough week.

I'm training for a new job. And. Yeah, all right, well, I'll take that. Yeah. Tell me to go fuck myself. No, I didn't tell you to go fuck yourself. No, but you can. All right.

I had a really, really long week. Why is it so tough? Tell me to go fuck myself. No, I didn't tell you go fuck yourself. No, but you can all right Really long week Look at me say it go for yourself. No say it at all Go fuck yourself. There you go. I like that. I'll take that Mike That's legit fucking after you told her it was okay You made it such a safe space that you could say that you know what? Fuck off see that came from your heart. To you. I don't know.

I didn't have to create it. You just came right from what's your job, Lauren? I'm sorry. I got a new aesthetician job, but they make this. You know what I mean? You want to take over? I know. You said his name was.

I'm sorry. I always say his name, right? That's what I was. I know he has intentional. No, I say it wrong. How is he dating me, right? I know. I know he has an intentional. No, I say it wrong. No, he doesn't. Take over the show. I'm going to just sit here with my fidgets.

Esthetician. What is that? Esthetician. Does it popper? Come on. Give me more than that. My wife was an esthetician for a long time. Yeah, it's a good job.

I was saving you from facialists. You know how many fucking assholes are going to YouTube? You doing facialists on Mike Vicki on his, assholes are gonna YouTube, you doing facial on Mike fucking Becky on his face. I can give you a facial. Is that what you're getting? Is that what you're getting? No, just on the face.

So you can do like chemical peels, microteur, abrasion. Stop saying face. Face, face, face. Just, you know, but you like that. But I gotta get trained by all these different companies on their products and stuff. So you know I like shiny things, stop. You fidget.

I'm just watching Mike go into a fucking coma right now. Watching a fucking fidget spinner. I got her in the fidget spinning. You know it was really good at fidget spinning. I know, I don't want to talk about it. It fucking bugs me. You don't even know. Do you see his video?

He is a fuck, a cool, why would he not be good at fidget spending? Because he knows you like it, so now he has to pass you. No, that's not true. Anything to wait, keep him away from a pen and a pen. He is. That was a good one. Instead of getting better at comedy,

I'm going to become the best fidget spinner comic. Come on, the market today! To be honest, that's the next hour. Blah, blah, blah! Blah, blah! That's the opening of his hour check. It's boom, boom, boom. He's gonna be throwing it in the air, catching it on his nose,

rip his cock out. Skakes! Ha, ha, ha, ha! I had a good chin one. What should you do? You could fucking spin it airplane when a fuck I fucked it up. I mean that, man. I got too excited about her fucking fat chin. I think that, you know, I think the career thing,

just go back to step just to dip back into this. I know we dip back and forth, but I think that you, you know, this is great. You do have these moments of holy shit, this is awesome now, you can get some stuff out of it. But the more, the more late shows that are available, the more comics that are gonna be on it, the more desensitized

people are getting to this, this medium of a guy at night on TV, because they're allowing people that aren't that funny to do it too. Right. And once you see one of those, you're like, eh, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. Yeah. When a long time ago, there was two places you could do late night, that's it. And to get in there was fucking, I mean, holy shit.

And they only let the grade of the grade, the best of the best get on those shows. And they were there, they were ready. They were ready. And then they did an opportunity came after that and they went on with that. But now... Every two out of four comics is down the late night. That's true.

Yeah. Everybody's done late night night night. And my late night weren't that. We gotta go and shoot it. I'm not saying I'm one of them. I'm not good at late night. I'm not good at that. Jokey Joe.

Five minute, yeah. I'm good at fucking being live. I'm good at, you know, that's just my thing. But I, you know, it is, this isn't up for you. And I have, I'm not, I'm all right right now, but I'm looking forward to vacation. That's what I'm looking for. I got two vacations I'm going on.

That's what I'm, and then I'm writing, and I gotta go back and maybe write some stuff again. And I don't know what the fuck's going on. Now, but the hour's a big deal. The hour's a big deal. Yeah, but it's a big deal. I have an hour. I have an and I don't know what the fuck's going on. Now, but the hour's a big deal. The hour's a big deal. Yeah, but it's a big deal. I have an hour. I have an hour. And you know what? It's a big deal to get somebody to fucking to showcase it so that it

gets eyes on it. We work so fucking hard, man. But they don't care about that. They care about what we care. We care about it though. That's the important thing. We care about it. But you're right. It's this room. If, answer this question in this room, if I had a fucking, my hour's just killer. I mean, annihilates.

And all you guys had hours, everybody else here. Who do you think the hour would go to if they were gonna pick right now? If everybody here had an hour, mine was the funniest, blue everybody's away. Who would they pick? If we all, all of us had an hour. Probably Carrie.

I'm happy that you guys think so. I think so. Oh my God. You're out of your mind, they would pick you. They'd pick Lauren too. They would probably pick Lauren. They would probably pick Lauren. You're out of your mind.

They would pick you. You're beautiful. This is great. You're beautiful young, you're black, you're funny. they would pick you your beautiful. This is great young you're beautiful young you're black. You're funny I'd pick you right now. Yeah, I think I think it's all it's all You you would have to be me to understand. It's the same thing like you think I make me understand I don't think it's that easy. I think especially for a black woman There's a certain black woman that they're looking for. I'm unapologetically black

What does that mean? I mean that the black girls that are doing well in comedy right now for the most part, they are all people that make white people feel comfortable and they're looking for white boyfriends. One second, can you calm down your making me uncomfortable? Oh, I'm fine. That's my podcast. I like having you on.

I want to have you on again. But this is kind of what I mean. It's all the white girls that talk just like this and and my Jewish boyfriend and I want to have biracial babies. It's that type. It's not going to be me. Well, I mean, I'm going to be a club and he killed people would. But also those comps on the list. That could very well have true now, but it seems to be kind of shifting in a direction that could very well be beneficial for you. I hope so Yeah, for my sake. Yeah enough for our sake

But I would also I'm pretty fucking funny, so I'd like to put that out there Well, I would be have the funniest special out of me I look I'm not, I just gave that example to just give the example. I'm not saying, I don't know who's better. But then again, can I say this too? I sit there and I go, okay, it's minorities or this and that.

And it's like, who is it? Comedy's so subjective. How the fuck am I judging this? You know, what am I saying? Why do the people that are picking these things maybe they're what they like is funny to them? Yeah, but there's white guys out there who have specials who I'm like, I don't know what this is.

Right, same. You know what I mean? Are you ready to name names? No. No, I won't do that. I think comedy is just hard, but what I've been seeing is if you have a fan base. That's when you know you have no money in the back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, in the bank for you to name names right now. If I had cat, listen, just answer the question. If I had

just answer the question. If I had cash, cash, what's the number for you to go fuck that? This is who it is. Cash. 500 grand. How much do you want? Before you even go that 500 grand. Yeah. Just for fun. Just for fun. Not even for fun, but it's not coming from a place of that. I understand. It's not even coming from a place of anger. How much would it take? It's not coming from a place of anger. I know. How much would it take for you to just objective analysis? Watching Mike say it's not coming from a place of anger. Well, Edward, yeah, while you're doing this, you're yelling at me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, six, one, six, eight, three, one. You have any thoughts on this topic. This is a very interesting topic. You can call in. I think it's really who has a lot of followers though. That's what I'm seeing the trend is, like the people that get specials or the people that you get show shows, but some of these people don't get those things truly. They buy them. Right.

I know people, I know people and I won't fucking name names because I don't have 10 million in the fucking back. But if I did, I'd fucking name names. If I had 10 bill in the 10 mill right now, if I had 10 mill in the bank where I could fucking you could all suck my dick, I'd be like, Bing bang boom and I'd name them all because you can't touch me because my house is payable. But it doesn't matter. Those people who are doing those, they're already getting shit.

Right. They're already going to their industry darlings, but they're not comics. They're not comics only. but I'm trying to tell you I'm a spineless motherfucker and I name In names because they might help me someday So fuck off no listen here's the deal There's some people that buy Followers buy likes by Facebook like yeah, and it looks like they're holy shit by Facebook like yeah and it looks like they're holy shit when there's people that how much they do is fucking doctored

and and it's like because they went to a I don't know some famous class at Ted I don't know what it is and we're all trying to do this integrity shit when some people like fuck it you you go by followers, by likes, looking more important than you are. People see that, they like that, some asshole and all that. She's got every time she puts a photo of his and a message, think from your heart, not your brain. And then with a sky background, 7,000 likes. Oh my God, we got to get her in here. Maybe that's the show.

Well, one thing we're not even taking into consideration, which is probably the main issue is that the industry is agist. More than it is like culturally. Hey, hey, they want young fucker comics. That's down, but you can watch all these like, you know, comedy central Snapchat, MTV Snapchat, really whatever it is. Yeah, but these are all people that they're grooming as a business to take over for the next thing. So it's like 19 year old kids that might have some sort of following or some sort of

burgeoning growth within them, but they're not there yet. I can't, I can't, I can't, because I'm the oldest fucker in the room right now. I can't, I mean, look, you want to go young, go young, I get it. That's the demographic. I like the adults when I was a kid. Like I actually, I like to. Anybody who's worth watching right now is an adult, by the way, in their 40s. Yeah. Well, it's weird. People are so dumb. They think the only thing that I'm developing. It's like, yeah, it's like, what do you have to say at that young? And it's like, I don't have to just vibe with somebody that is my exact same

age. I'm friends with some of my friends parents more so than I am with that. Well, that's just weird. Yeah. They're more fun. They're more fun than my friends parents more. Well, you aren't getting, you're on the captain of the fucking basketball team getting blown by girls.

You didn't have, you know, for baked goods. What's happening that out? What baked goods? I got a lot of good stuff. I got strawberry shortcake a couple of times. I got brownies just like, really. Oh my dick. Oh.

Oh. But what Kary's saying is what I saw. What she's saying is rings true also. It's like they don't want black eyes or in. It's like certain kind of black eyes and not an intimidating black guy not in not accepted by the industry. So if you're black, if you're white, likeable, if you're non threatening and awkward, you're a little bit awkward, like they like that. They like that. They like that. You know, the best jokes are anything, but if you're awkward and they like that, like that, like that, they're

like, I like red hot chili pepper. Is it California? Cation like that whole specific. Yeah, Manika is not. She's getting her due. She works for way up. That's justice. She's getting a lot. You know, she's doing well. I think she should be further. So do I. So do I. I think she's the one she's finally getting some day. And when she was on a narrative show, they were giving her a hard time. They were like all in the comments. They're like, who's the loud angry black woman on morning radio or morning television.

So I think I think it's still telling. I didn't say morning television. I said, I said morning show when I wrote that. Okay. She's very fucking loud. I love y'all. I mean, I'm a head. I mean, Marina, these are all I'm gonna make a Hadea Marina.

These are all they're in the clubs for years and years growing, but they're getting their due right now. I don't, I don't think Hadea's getting her due. I don't think even Marina. I love Marina. We work together. Closing Marina should be she, I would love to see Marina being a household name.

And she's still like, we respect her because we know what she's worth, but still like on a everyday level. Guys, unlike some people. She does have a history of dating like us and not in the widest of white guys. But now they worked their way for. I'm a big fan. I work at Best Buy. Come on down anytime you want to see me and Mo. What you call Marina is an equal opportunity.

She loves everyone. She is a Chinese soul. She's my soul. I love her. Me too. I love Marina. I don't know. It's a confusing time.

It's really, you can't philosophize about it. It's hard to. It's very simple. Put the work in, you put the work in, and then you should see some daylight. That's not what happens. But that's what should happen. The fastest horse doesn't win the race, Michael.

Thank you for that. You ready? We have a caller. Who is it? Hello. It's a piece of the look at this. Who is it, my mom? Who is it?

Oh, put them on. Hello, hello, you're on the YQWD podcast. We're recording. Who's this? All right, thank you Again the number for all the colors 917 2616831. Is there anybody in the chat room? Yeah. What do we got in there? That's calling, I don't know whether or not calling. I think it'd be crazy in there. A little bit.

Wow. A little wow. My chat room. I know you should be investigating it by the end. Yeah, I know. I know. It's out of control. It's fucking cool.

What do they say? They don't want to know. I don't even go to like social media anymore and read anything. I just don't do it. I've never been to Reddit once. I don't, I don't, I don't Google my name. It's a fun place.

I don't fucking read shit, go to bed. Reddit's awful. I don't, I don't even go to it. The first time I did like Jim and Sam are OP or something like that, I was, I was, you, you know, it, it's my interest. So the first post I saw is where we at with this fact that my can I was like, I am never visiting the camera. That should be the name of your special.

Well, yeah, with this bag, it might. It's, it's, it's fucking ridiculous out there right now. But what are you gonna do? Nothing. Nothing, you can be prepared, Michael. Is my voice coming up on this? Yeah. We can be prepared, Michael. You can work as hard as you wanna work

and that's all you can do. Yeah. And that's it. I don't think there's a little bit. I think strategy goes a long way. What do you mean Tell me what you what your strategy. What does that mean? I think that to a certain extent we have to play the game and understand exactly the landscape that we're on so we can work hard and we can be really funny, but there's also a business aspect. So if we know that we have to get followers, then it's stuff like this like doing podcasts, trying to come in contact with each of your fans.

I literally have a clipboard at every standup show. So like my mailing list is like 3000 strong right now, which is not a lot, but as I keep doing shows and growing, like you have to, you need that. So I think as long as you have like the fans, once you get that piece and people that know you and love you, then you can kind of use that to leverage more opportunity. Okay.

You're using me right now. Yeah, I don't do everybody podcast, I love it. Yeah. She could do it, but Debbie, I read Act Debbie in the car and I'm racist. Yes, that's exactly how it works, context. Listen to me. Yeah, but okay.

So you have a mailing list. I do. Now, what do you do with that mailing? What do you put that into? I put, so I have a mailing list. I do now you what do you what do you do with that mailing? What do you put that into? I put so I have my shows that come out if I What do you what do you put that into to email? Oh? Mailchimp I have like a newsletter. Okay. I have okay. I've mailchimp Now one person rejects that it says it spam you get fucked right? No

What happens with that then they just just, one person might unsubscribe. And also, what I learned that's helpful is you have people say exactly where they're from, so that you only mail, you only, you only send it out to them if you're gonna be in their town, so they don't have to get the updates. And when I do a podcast, that's really great. I go, this is my podcast of the month.

Like, this may very well go into it. Here, you can listen to me doing this cool thing. If I have any articles that were written about me, any cool Facebook or Twitter tweets that might have had a lot of likes have been funny. I'm tired right now. No, it's fucking exhausting. I'm fucking exhausted. It is exhausting, but you know what? God, I thought I was just going to be, I thought I was just going to do something and people are going to do you really funny or you're really good at roll. and there you go. But that's a type of initiative that Kevin Hart had. He had guys working for him that would literally compile every email from every show he was doing. And it's that type of motivation that unfortunately like it's not that anymore. You're not the funniest and then you get all these opportunities.

You have to kind of you know, what is it necessity is the mother of invention. There are opportunities that we used to have that were a big break like the Tonight Show, which is still an amazing accomplishment, because it fulfills what you think you're good. Thank you for saying that, Mike. It really is, because it's one of those things that I wanna do, not for a type of career thing, but I wanna do it for myself

and to fulfill like a goal of mine and some sort of landmark in my comedy career that I feel is substantial. But all the things kind of, it's small pieces to a bigger hole, right? So it's all of those things that we have to continue to put together. And you know, the lazy comics that used to get by in the 80s now get the fuck out because if you're not writing, if you're not doing all this other shit, you might as well leave it there.

And the unfunny comics that arrived in the 2000s stay in forever because they fucking have initiative and they can do all this other horseshit. And it's like, that's where you're like, whoa. The hard work always beats talent if talent doesn't work hard. So you have to figure out how to do it. But it's how it works. Hard work beats talent.

I'm saying it again. Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard. And the fact that you've never heard that until today speaks volume stuff. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Say something. What the fuck?

What the hell is? I'm letting you have a moment, relax, dummy. I'm sorry. See if I didn't call a dummy, that would be sex. You have sex. You're gonna call our color girl again? No, I'm not. I ain't called that, I ain't called that, I ain't called that, be. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex.

You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex.

You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex.

You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. You have sex. Yeah, that just sucks. It does. But there was a time in Hollywood, I feel like, and it might have never existed where you could just be good looking at a malt shop at 20. And just be like, hey, kid, all of a sudden, you know, movie with Clint Eastwood. That's Ashton Kutcher's whole career. You think?

Yeah, no, someone found him. He was like working in Iowa. Yeah. And he was good looking. And they're like, you should act. Like, a proxambi or something. Yeah, it's right. He was working retailers to shut. Now he was good looking and they're like, you should act. Crombe or something. Yeah, it's right. He was working retailers to shed.

Now he's back in retarded brother. Yeah. What was he doing? I'm not going to say it again. He's standing next to his retarded brother so he looked extra good. Wow. You shouldn't have said that.

I'm not editing that. Maybe he said color twice. He can say retarded. He can call a retarded retarded. The fashion coach is going to get mad mad at least I'll get some buzz. I hope you're about to book a game on NBC. On NBC. Yeah, through his company where you got literally 50,000 in episode.

And then all of a sudden it's like, he was, what do you say? And he goes, he says it again. That's because of me. And you get fucking shit game You go back to your mailing list clipboard Fucking winstens and wherever that is I Gotta do this pop No, no, I'm a fidget a little I

Got I got a Lauren in the fidget. Where's your fidget? That's the new iPhone. Max lost your stop. Bob. I feel so terrible. How do you lose it? You let him fidget. He can't even fidget. He's not fidget appropriate. He's not age-fidget. He took it. It was on the counter. Maybe it's somewhere. I had your brand new fidget. The big. You let Liz fidget with it. I had it. I should have left it here. It was such a good. I know I was so excited. Better than this.

Fidge. Not enough attention has been made that Lauren just spit all over herself and then cleaned her mouth. But a chain caught it. A chain caught it. Yeah, that's spit catcher under a fucking Oh my god I can cry right now you like lift all week for this bitch. I don't know if I would have gave it to Bobby it was it's such a good one. I know it's white with baby blue. I know you sent me the bitch

I know you said me the Fidge about video. I wish you guys were all the way to the end of this video. Go back to going out. I love drooling my face. Why did black people not Fidge? First of all, I don't know what a Fidge is and I didn't even know how it became a slang so quickly. Now I'm Jones and now you gotta give it to me. The Fidge has been there.

You wanna try it? That's a good one. No. It does look like it would fit perfectly in the end of a chain. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. What's the purpose try it? That's a good one. No. Try it. It does look like it would fit perfectly in the end of a chain. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. But what's the purpose of it? Just do it. Try it.

You'll see in a second. Yeah. I do it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to flick it now. Why people don't have any hitches to do. Do you see what I mean?

I was an antiph. Why? It feels heavier. This is like an expensive one, is it? Yeah. You like it? I don't know. Bobby's never hurt that from a woman before.

It feels heavy. I was like three minutes. Yeah, you are an expensive one. It didn't make sense. All right, can you like it? You like it. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel about. What if I got one?

It was a necklace. You could wear it. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel what if I got one it was a necklace you could wear it Dude on your chin Don't do it. She can Don't worry about it Scared There you go Lauren. She did it. Yeah, hang on keep doing it like a seal with a beach ball Oh Jersey girl with a huge chin I actually got her a new thing called at the Leno

You can't All right, let's go back to Mike real quick All right, let's go back to Mike real quick. Okay. Yeah. You guys are beautiful. The worst part is my car was stolen in front of a real stop. The first mistake! The first mistake!

How many times did you run this? I ran it like 50 times maybe. I ran a lot. 50! I ran a lot. Not, not 50 25 25 30 times. I changed it right before I changed the opener. What now what what why that's just the fuck it's just fucking cops. Just the fuck up. You just fucked it up.

But then you did it. Did you go fuck now because I already had the crowd. So I was confident. Oh, good. It's all those smiles in between. He knew he had a good. Yeah, you're telling Adam like this. I do. All right, guys.

The cops were showing up. Go back. I want to hear the fuck up again. As far as my cop was my car was stolen. I stopped. Go back. Oh, you hear him skid into it? Yes. He goes first one of the cops. It took me. I stopped going back. Oh, you hear him skid into it? Yes.

You go, first one of the cops. Err. I took that back. Let me go back. There we go. The worst part is my cop was my car was stolen. I'm going to shut up one time. The cops were showing up, but they were not showing up for my emergency.

So I stopped on them. I called you like two hours ago. BDI was stolen. He says, we're not. Oh, go back just a little bit. What was that fucking crazy stare? Why are you staring at us like that? Like staring above the camera.

What's that? Yeah. Oh my god. We would put it on a app. It was set. It was set for three days. Yeah, dude, that looks like your ex girlfriend is in the crowd with another man

and that's the only reason why you put this set together because you knew she had tickets to this show. And now you've saw her and you're like, I'm here, bitch. I think it's laser-like focus. I don't know if that's what your mistake is. It might be that. All right, let's go.

So I stopped when I'm like, I called you like two hours ago. My car was stolen. He says, we're not street cops, we're counterterrorism. I'm like, I don't know what that means. He says, if you see something, say something. We are those cops. Now, when you went to go get your car, what did you see? I said, my car was gone, so I saw nothing.

He says, you only call us if you see something. You see something. And you can say something. Wait, does he like it? You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much. That's a beautiful, very sincere. Did you have another...

Very sincere. Did you have another tag? Oh, no. No. Look at that record, huh? Who's the guy on the cover? Was that you? That's me. Oh, waiting to go on at the seller. Oh, downstairs. Let me see that. He's sitting on the porch. Oh, yeah. What a great look. And now that's not real. That's just them.

That's what they do on the show, right? You don't have an album. Yeah, I have an album. Muscle confusion. That's the album. Yeah, that's the album. No, that's a cardboard replication. Yeah, there's a cover uh... yeah that's a couple of replication but you have an album a little like vinyl not vinyl no i-tunes are you fucking here are you fucking with me right now

i'm asking if you have you don't have a vinyl album that's a cardboard i know that's what i was asking so they make those for you did you get that they make Yeah, they make it for me. Did he sign it? And no, I didn't get him to sign anything No pictures. I talked to my got pictures. So you didn't get him to sign that you didn't ask for that or say can I have that? I think about it to be honest. Next time you do you should get that signed Wouldn't that be weird though getting someone else's signature on your album cover? I don't know if it's Jimmy Fallon. Yeah.

And I mean, would you say that if it was fucking Johnny Carson right now and you had something signed your first album, a photo of that signed by Johnny Carson, that'd be worth fucking money. Be a beautiful thing. Wait a little bit with regrets. Will you get back on again, right? Eventually, I feel like I will. Eventually. Yeah.

It's a good fucking attitude. No, I was a good say. I was happy with the set. Yeah, dude, you were great. You killed it, Mike. Look, we all know how funny you are, dude. You're just a funny guy. Thank you.

And that's great. We were all very, everybody was so proud of you that you were on the show and you killed it. So, I hope you get a ton of shit from it. Thank you, buddy. I hope you're really good. Mike. Yeah.

Thanks for having me. Are we? Yeah. Yeah. It was funny, because when you first used to come on this podcast, you were on just as a nervous. Yeah, like, no, but you were on as a, you helped me out with some shit or something.

I gave you a flashlight. Yeah, you came, I was on for a tech talk. Yeah, I brought a stylus pen and yeah, you bought a few things That and you brought those headphone things remember those things. Those are great. Yeah, the flashlight is the is just a terrible company Yeah, I mean they they certainly I mean they sent me like 20 of them so for that I'll be grateful, but otherwise they Well, it's a weird thing because I fucked one mm-hmm and I mean, they certainly, I mean, they sent me like 20 of them. So for that, I'll be grateful, but otherwise they, uh, Well, it's a weird thing because I fucked one. And it was just disgusting because I had to clean it. Yeah, yeah. That's the worst part. And I was just like, you know how we feel?

Stop letting guys come in. I'm coming. You did it. We'll help at least this will get you the half-wet half-dried towel. Throw it on your boob stop. Yeah, that was part of the original bit that got them to even pay attention. I talked about cleaning it and how basically, I wanted to take a shotgun to my own face.

Yeah, because it's a sobering experience to realize that you spent money on this orifice that you're dropping a batch into and then you're sad after. Yeah, it was like, it wasn't sad. I was sad that I did that, but I was also sad. I don't want to fucking deal with like, like lukewarm cum.

Yeah. You know, 20 minute later, cum. You touch it? Yeah, I mean, well, I had to clean it. I had to pull it out. When you pull it out, it sounds like you're pulling a real vagina out of a dead body I've never felt more gangster in my entire life than when they sent me several boxes of them

And I fucked one and then threw it out immediately That's for you. You should have did that with all them on video You would be a superstar right now. I have a 21-month-of-fucking-veg. I have a commercial that showed me fucking a flashlight that they also picked up and started doing, okay, on Funny or Die. And then as soon as I tried to monetize it

by being like, I could do an entire series of these for you and they did well, then they were like, no, thanks for the free press, go suck a dick. Oh, flashlight did that the site today pretty much well jeez make sense why would they put money into something i gave them for free i guess i think that we're

then that that that's not the next thing by the way there's a there's something else coming from and a fuck but it's not here yet yeah i think i'm not there the jen it's in japan yeah there are real life like. Yeah, fuck things. But still that you have to clean the place. Oh, there's a self-cleaning robotic vagina that can click into your, uh, into your computer. And it also, it adds lubricant while you're going. And it did the, the, the contractions are dictated by the porn you're watching. So

it, it literally simulates. Are you setting her on some unicorn. No, I mean, I didn't just dream this. It sounds fucking like you did. I forget exactly. Oh, that's a Rumba honey. Not fucking a Rumba. What are you typing? Self-finity robotic vagina. Now do video. And we'll see it. Okay, there you go. Sex robots of the future.

I can't wait to fuck one of these. But here's the thing, you don't have to buy it. Because are you really gonna go into it? Like I know Japan will have a store that you can go into a room and fuck a robot. You know, but they'll clean it. Like they clean, like they'll have cleaning people, but even on an airplane, they'll still find some,

you know, fucking pretzel dust inside the fucking, you know, the little pocket take out the vagina. Oh, that's gonna be the worst thing when you put your dick in one and you can feel, they missed a spot. They're just clients. Yeah, just one spot and you're gonna pull it out and you're like, oh shit.

Smells like the fucking breachies on your dick. I think the next thing is gonna be VR though with a suit that basically acts out all of the senses that you're gonna be feeling because have you watched VR porn? I've seen it and it's it's astonishing. It's really upsettingly immersive. I was at comics. Uh, no, what was that? Uh, in Rhode Islandoman what's that comedy connection

comedy connection love those guys great club fantastic place you played there no unbelievable you should get there there's such good guys too they at the end of it quarry had vr goggles and vr point and he we put it on sitting at the bar i started pumping. I was so I was started like and I was like I was talking like she was asking me questions like baby. Can I go down? I was like you can go down and I started moving. I took

them off. I had to take them off. I was there was like 10 people watching me. I had to take him off. I was like, get these away from me. I literally I was going to blow my nut in my jeans. Yeah. It was so amazing. VR porn, if you haven't tried it, it's worth the 800 bucks to get the Samsung phone and the goggles. Oh yeah. Well, eventually they're going to it's going to come with a suit too. That's gonna basically like press on any impulse. Yeah, I know, but this is a lot happening. To buy that suit, I mean,

there's a lot of sad people out there. Well, it's not sad. I mean, look, if you want to fuck, how great is it to jerk off with like to somebody that's real? Like, yeah, but I don't want to wear an outfit to jerk off. Yeah, it's going to be hard to pack, but listen. You're not going to be able to carry on anymore. USB charger.

Honey, have you seen my suit? I put it in the, that's the last time I'm washing it. All right. Would your wife have a problem with that though? I imagine that wise. Yes, my wife, but of course she would, because she'd be like What are you doing? Yeah, stop being a fucking idiot. Yeah

But on the road it makes I told her I want to have be with a black chick she goes you're married Take the most honest true answer. It's not like I love you You're married That's like what my father would have said buddy. You married you can't do that You can't do that. That's like what my father would have said. Body of Mary, you can't do that. Yeah, we're gonna, I mean, it's crazy. What we're going to be fucking is, what is that? What was that one with the bum? What's the one with the bum?

What is that? It's all in Russian. I'm afraid to click it because if it's porn, you can't watch it. Yeah, don't click it. Yeah, we'll go back to the robot thing. Yeah, VR porn. Yeah, VR with we'll go back to the robot thing. Yeah, VR, porn, yeah, VR with a robot or something on your packer, but they have to, I don't, self-cleaning the jiner, I don't know if that's true. It honestly might be something that comedy

is gonna eventually look into as well because I've watched VR where it was like the 40th anniversary of SNL. I watched it where there was another Paul McCartney concert. You could be like backstage. You could be at different vantage points of the audience. You're literally surrounded by what you would be surrounded by. But you're gonna be able to go to the Super Bowl.

Yeah. You're gonna have a VR camera. Absolutely. At the 50 yard line, buy a ticket from your house for $50, $100, and sit in your living room and be at the 50 yard line of the Super Bowl and just look around and watch the game. Maria Bamford special might be the indicator of what comedy is to be what you do. Did you see it? It's incredible. It starts it with herself staring in the mirror then it goes to her

performing for one person then for two and for three and it gets bigger as she goes but it's like this weird. I'm almost curb your enthusiasm linear progression through it. That's what you got to do to have something be special now. But her, yeah, do it. The actual special has to be special. Not the material. Amazing. Yeah, I mean, look, I met her at stand-up live

last time I was there. And again, I failed. It was probably better because I was like, I didn't want to be like, I'm looking big, big, big, big, big, big, big, so I was like, hey, how you doing? I was very calm. And I think that was stupid too.

I should have been, I just keep. You should have played. I just let her know. I don't know who I am. That's why I can't. I don't know who I am, Michael. The other day I'm at the seller and somebody. You're a fidget expert.

That's who you are. I've never wanted to throw glass at you. But I did. I got it. It sounded like you took a fresh belt to heroin. It's pretty good. I was at the cell all the other night and somebody did something and I just said no, I don't want to thank you. And they were like, no, no, you can, I don't want any thank you.

And they were like, no, no, you can, I was like, I'm good, I just, you know, I'm just trying to stick out for myself right now and I don't want this, I know you're gonna become the victim, but I don't want that, I just, I'm just trying not to, I don't wanna stick out for myself right now, which I never do. I should just be a people pleaser and just let you say and do whatever you want

to me right now. Because if I come back at you and say, Hey, don't fuck, I'm an asshole and I'm the fucking abusive just because of what I look like and how I sound in my accent. But I just don't want you to, well, dude, what the fuck and they, you don't have to do that. I mean, okay, now I should have just let you do it because I didn't want you to do it. And you're doing it. I I asked you not and now I'm still even saying it's soft and gentle. I'm still the fucking the fucking asshole Because I just wanted to not have you do that Whatever the fuck it was Weird I gotta tell you though you you you're probably a really great dad

I've never seen you with your time a great dad Because I've been waiting my entire life for my dad to even walk me through one emotional process that he's ever experienced in his entire life. And I couldn't get one fucking word out of him. I have no idea how he processes things. The mental illness that goes through his head that I could possibly use towards my own. And then, but to hear you just kind of like,

you can take yourself through it. And I assume that you would park that onto your kids. Yesterday was sitting on the bed. Anything? Is that turn you on at all? No. You can try it. I'm sitting on the bed. He had a, um, Don was making food for him. And he had a, it's like a plastic spoon with a fork like a scoop right fork it's like but it's a big one for pasta whatever now I'm not having

pasta she's making for he took the spoon and the bad will lie in there and they fucking wax me in the face with it right in the mouth hit me right in the teeth with plack. I mean, and I grabbed it. I grabbed it. I said, I grabbed it and I threw it. And I was like, in your room, in your goodbyes. Cause he's no, he's, he's, he's, he's, he knows he's not supposed to hit people. Right. I was fucking. I wanted to go, you little motherfucker. You want me to hit you with it? Like, what, would happen to me when I was a kid, you know? Right. Well, I did something that shit is there. It lives. Trust me. Yeah. I go, you go to, he was like, I don't want to. I go, you got to go. You, you don't hit people. You can't just hit people with things and have no consequence. Max, you have to go. And I want in your room. And if you, you can lay more, it's going to be longer. You sit in your chair, you have a minute in your chair right now

for hitting me in the face with something. You're not supposed to kick, hit, you don't hurt other people. You don't do, you know that. So you know it, and you went in, and I went into Donna, like, I'm like, I'm fucking content. And she was laughing. You know what I mean?

But I'm like, Donna, she's like, what age can we hit him? I'm like, well, this is four. So she, I go, look, you gotta go in there and handle him right now. So he went ahead. Is he crying when you sent him in? He was, he was whining. He doesn't cry. He sat down and he knows. He knows he fucked up. And that's what we do. I know I'm probably gonna 900 five Dude, you know for oh you can yo whatever. This what we don't yeah, we don't hit we Consequence I consequence and it works. I'm sorry to say if I go I'm gonna count to five one To Hill come to me us do what he's supposed to do and if he doesn't

He'll come to me or do what he's supposed to do. And if he doesn't, there's a consequence where it's a timeout and you go, not for five, 10 minutes, that's ridiculous. It's a minute. And he goes in, he sits in his chair, and I make sure that he sits, and he doesn't fit, he doesn't play with his hand, doesn't do it, sit down.

And then I'll go in and talk to him. And I'll be like, look, you know what you did. And he'll usually get pissed off in frustrated. I'm just explaining to him, you can't hit people with things because you hurt people. And and I'll he'll say, yesterday he was a little like fuck you. What he said, sorry, but it was you got to know when to let go too when he's been through enough trauma where he got it. You know what I mean?

So next time he has that, he's not going to hit me with it. He's not going to hit anybody with it because he knows better because there was that that thing that consequence That happened that he didn't like me doesn't like timeout But it's not bad. It's not me whacking him in the fucking ass Which is a fucking you know abuse the consequence is having to talk to you for a couple minutes No, that's your contact. I'm not dating white guys. You racist. Get a head of prep. All right, let's fucking get out of here.

This has been a very interesting one. I'm sorry for my anger. I'm sure if Mike wasn't here, it would have been a funer podcast. How are you talking about that? No, you take, you always go against me, you're not, you're not for me. I'm all for you, right? Really?

Yeah. What's my son's name? Max. Thanks. Wow. You, when you went, you, when you went, took a breath. Wow.

You coming this weekend? Yes. Rain of shine? Yeah. Solid. All right. I'm in. Show does not come in. He's not. or shine? Yeah. I'm solid. All right. I'm in. So does not come in.

He's not. I don't know. Ask him. I will. Mike, what do you got? Well, in the vein of too many things being released for people, I'm actually, I'm going to announce details for an album recording in July. Yes.

So I'm doing that in New York, mid July, and I have the deals being finished right now, but I'm fucking excited about it and I'm trying to take as much control over my career as possible. So I want to put something out. Well look man, talent without education. He's not talented. He's not an educated talent. I don't have a mean opportunity. He's just not educated.

That's beautiful. That's going on the inside of Please put that in there. I'll sign it But you follow me on Twitter just to find out when that is thanks coming back on Thanks for and I'm glad you sang today. Well, thanks for making me uncomfortable my armpits right now are bananas Listen, I'm sweating through my sweatshirt. How fucking How fucking... How was, how, did you feel good singing though? I feel okay.

Okay, when you sang though, you're so nervous and all this shit and you're like, oh, this fuck, fuck people. You sang and it felt good. Yeah. And it sounded good. You would have sounded better if you just let it all out. Right.

Well, that's why it takes a few drinks to do karaoke and then once I do, you can't get me off. But, time you come on with singing singing feel me and you're a fucking thing What song you want to sing? You know what I'll send Lauren some clips Huh we do karaoke episode Okay Okay. Thank you. Michael, what do you got to be said? I'm a fucking superhero hair.

At Comic Mike V. Out of Miss Muscle Confusion and I'll be a governor's July 21-22, I believe. It's great. Well, great club. I love it. Who are you gonna be there with? I don't know yet. I'll be headlining. All right, I know that. I just want to I thought it was a dig at me. Bobby. I always got to keep my hands up. Baba, you don't. I'm just trying to tell you swing. I want to thank my friend from

uh, what's his name who gave me the umbrellas. Max, love them. from what's his name who came in the umbrella is max love them. Love them. Love great segue. Thank you. Gary D'Arzano. Gary D'Arzano, man, you are fucking brilliant. He came in last week. I wasn't here.

I so apologize. I just, I'll explain really, really quickly what happened. I'm on my way down here to do this podcast last week and I got a call from my uncle. I have five uncles who are basically my fathers all different personalities. And my son called Michael, the oldest one, under my mother.

My mother's the first of eight. He's the second of eight. And he's in the last couple of years had a rough go of it. A liver transplant from my uncle Sean. we found out he had he had a spinal ender spinal injury from something from a long time ago. He never got checked out and he had learned to fucking walk again. And you know, this guy is like you say, he never just never gave up.

Just fucking but a Porsche somewhere in the country. I don't know where went down, picked it up, spent four months just on the road driving this Porsche around, renting out fucking Airbnb's, you know, spent it down in Florida and just met all these people by himself. Just had a great time and on the way back, he called me, I haven't seen him in a long time. He called me those a minute and a half away from your house So I'm like all right. I go down and do a podcast Which I love but I'll go see my and I was like you know, I gotta go see my uncle

I gotta go do this because and I'm glad I did because you're sitting there. He's playing around with max This is my uncle Max loved them playing around together. He had, he wanted to stand up for a barbecue. We had food, we ate, we talked, he told me about his trip. It was, these are the moments you work for. Yeah.

I truly believe those are the moments you work hard for with all the shit, with your talent and your hard work to have these moments with people that you really care about, I'll give a shit about you, that you love that you get to hang out with once a while. We had a great time, Max had a great time, they went to bed, my uncle wanted to sleep and over. It was a great day.

So I apologize for last week, but it was, it was, it was a, it was a definitely had to be done. And you guys did a great job. Everybody killed it without me, which is scary too. It's just such a way better. Somebody actually, uh, I blocked them immediately. He said it was such a way better show without you. What a day. Sorry. Probably observant. Oh, fucking. That was your uncle. That's good. It's so funny because I, if you went and he had a hundred fought, you can always tell I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just falls into the ground like California. I Can't wait till Atlanta's the new fucking Hollywood Fuck em all all those fucking idiots who went out there and renting apartments for 10-15 years I'm gonna make it fucking now. You're not into the ocean now. You're gonna move back nobody accepts you Anyway, sorry. What do you got, babe? Besides a black boyfriend?

What's his name again? Not saying. That's a weird. It's a surprise. Michael, his name's Mike. No. Is it Star with an M? No.

If I guess what it starts with, you will never guess, isn't it? I guess I'll guess his name starts with an S I guess his name start to the Ness The tea were you getting these things tea so tomorrow at the funny bone in Hartford with Paul Versey. I'm hosting and We know And I mean I should be headlining. I got a fucking special comment on. I live in Westchester. It's only 40 minutes, it's 15 minutes in the city. I love Paul Versey. And that club is great too. You can have a good time. Yep, it's always fun. Yeah. I'm gonna fight with the hotel lady one night. Oh, what a twat She really lives a twat

Be sure to tell her that tomorrow God, no, I'm just fucking here. I'm not staying overnight. That's crazy. It's gonna. Oh, it's one night Yeah, so I'm gonna be there. I don't know what he's doing But I'm just here tomorrow and then I'm Thursday tomorrow's Thursday No, I have no idea you guys are there on a Wednesday Yeah, what are you filling in for something? I don't know.

I just go where they tell me to go because I'm not at the point where I can say no to shit. Yeah. All right, I got you. So you don't want to go, but you know, I want to go. I'm in a good time. I'm going to bring my mailing list. It's really great. You get Paul for, Paul, those are my fans.

You know, you're going to steal my mailing list. I got my social media is at over Fab short for overly fabulous OV E R F A B. And I'm at I do more than Mike. More than any other in this. And I'm at Caroline's next Monday. So that's where you can find me. All right. Thanks for coming on.

Thank you for having me. It was fun. You got it. It was a blast. It was a real fun time. What do I got sweetie, pie? You are at the DVE Comedy Festival in Pittsburgh on June 23rd. Yeah, I'm working out this. This is not happening show. I'm going to be in LA for a little, a day.

I think I'm flying in and I'm flying out to Pittsburgh to do this awesome festival The B what I'm at the D.V. in by him theater. Yeah, what is it the biome B.M. by him theater me calling Quinn I just as a bunch of people on the show so check it out. It's in Pittsburgh spread the word by tickets Let me know you comment and then after that. I'm going to Belgium So I won't be around we're actually doing two shows tonight, but we're going to be filling in guests again. We're thinking about a couple people that will be great to fill in. So I'll be going to Belgium for seven days. Then I come back and go right to Montclair.

I'm going to Montreal, Nasty show and a bunch of other shows for two weeks. I'm going to Montreal, nasty show and a bunch of other shows for two weeks. I'm gone. And then I go to, but I was doing shows up in Montreal. I'm doing, we're doing YKW live up there. I'll be getting a lot of one-on-ones. I'll be doing a bunch of shows up there. So that's where the YKWD will be, be taking place for two weeks. And then I'm going to the Hampshire for 10 days.

I rented a house in the woods. Yeah, I'm fucking dumping my phone. Dumping it? I'm, what I'm gonna do, yeah, I'm gonna get enough podcast so we take a few weeks off. Are you gonna feel dress a rabbit? I know, how do?

I know, that's why I wanna see her. Wait, are you gonna go hunting? Let's go. I'm going fishing. And then you kill a rabbit and rip its skin off and gut it take its asshole out So you can eat it Yeah, cuz your ass hole is connected to your throat So you what you do is you cut up here

Which is your you know all your throat and all that cut that off and then the bottom is your asshole where it comes out And that's connected cut that out and then you can pull all the innards out and throw them out and then you just have the shell and then you can just cook that fucker. Yeah. So yeah, no, I won't be, I'll be fishing along up there. What do you got to add? You can check me out online at recroomny.com. Very good looking.

I've got all your audio needs. Iroom and why.com Very good looking for all your audio needs. Oh, thank you very good looking. I mean usually most white guy compliment You say Fucking blind I'm just racist guys get it I think I got a shot. I think I got a shot How good looking like date rape'm looking for. How good looking. Like date rape good looking, like serial killer good looking. I know, I was gonna be, what I let you date rape me. You have, yeah, you have, he doesn't have

perfect date. He has date rape hair like he date rapes. They all have kind of the same look to be honest. Yeah, you do. What about me? What on? Oh shit. I can't have so much personality, though.

It's like shining through. You're the fat chick. You're probably the fat chick. Ah. Oh. I hope you got a lot of names. I've never coming back. Sorry, Lord.

Of course you're coming. I'm gonna lose weight and get you someday. Come in and do that. Oh shit, Bobby looks good. Why do I gotta do that? Why? What do you got Lauren? I'm just email me. I know you don't have videos I know you don't have videos I do it twice because it's a callback pushing That's a double callback Email me at ykwd producer at rikest.com Yep, if you're a fan and would like to come in

I hope they're a fan the I don't want to fucking assholes. We have best fans. We have the best fans. All my fans go to and help. Everybody who come on the show. Yep. Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.

Also check out our YouTube channel and subscribe there. And become a premium member because we just put up new content. Yeah. We got that Colin Quinn is going up this week. So if you're not a premium member, become one right now. And like I said, a lot of people, we have the biggest month last week of premium subscribers. We need to hit another one this next month. So let's do it.

It's $199 down on the app and get on it. Join. I'm going to be doing a lot of one on ones from, and now that we have the system down, me and Adam worked out this insane new get up gear that I have to make it easier. It goes right on my phone with real microphones. So it's all in place, so there you go. And how can we find Adam?

I didn't hear that. You ain't find a chef. Adam's like, Adam! I'll take you some more. Listen, I've been a lot of people's first white guy. I'm just saying. You ain't find a shit Listen, I've been a lot of people's first white guy. I'm just saying really More than that most the first white guy to ruin it Do you have a girlfriend? What are you doing here's girlfriend stop hitting on I know that she would. Aha. Yeah. Aha. Aha. Do you have to be?

Yeah. What are you doing? Here's a girlfriend. Stop hitting on them. What? Man, I don't want to fucking just lose weight. You have to be someone else. You have to be someone else.

That's the best. That's the best feedback ever. You have to be someone else. Could you just be someone else? That would be great for me. And listen, you know what? I still love you. So there you go.

And you are all right, too. I hope you're career dying. I hope Paul versus the paneling list. She has a man. He has three thousand people. I'm doing well. I'm not a sound a man. I'm doing well. I can't wait to see you on the view going hey girl. I'm not too loud.

Keep it down. All right guys, great show. Thank you, the best fans in the world. Thanks to listen to another episode You know what there we'll see you next week You've been listening to the YKWD podcast Thanks for listening Now go back to your shitty jobs shitty jobs Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs.

Shitty jobs. Check out riotcats.com for all of the best podcasts on the internet. And they're all free. And they're all free. Shining. Shining. Shining. Shining.

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