Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Mike, Mo and Bill

Episode Date: August 29, 2013

Robert is joined by Morgan Murphy, Bill Squire and Mike O'Hara.   RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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All right, check it out. Ah, here on my date, you guys are always asking me free trial requires by a life enrollment with future auto shipments. Alright, check it out. I hear my date. You guys are always asking me where you're going to be playing when he coming to my town. When he coming back to Jersey, man. When he coming back to the Maryland. Well, here you go. Here are my dates. So get a pen and a piece of paper and jot it down.

September 5th, New York Institute of Technology, old Westbury, New York. September 6th and the 7th with the Friday and Saturday stress factory in New Brunswick. One of my favorite clubs. October 10th, 11th, 12th, Magooby's Joe Cousin, Maryland. Love that club too. And then I'm back October 24th at the Revelle casino. Brand new casino Atlantic City. I'm doing an hour show, one show only. That's a fucking good time. So get your tickets for that. October 25th, 26th, comedy works Albany. October 31st, funny bone, Sacra. Where is it Syracuse?

That's the 31st through the third, that's a long one. That's up in Syracuse, I think that's a new club, the Funny Bone and Syracuse, October 31st to November 3rd. November 7th, eighth, ninth, I'm in Toronto, Canada, for the dark comedy festival, T.D. baby. December 6, side splitters, all the way to December 8th in Tampa. Tampa, I love Tampa. December 27th, Comedy Shop, Blackstone, Blackstone. I don't know what the fuck that is. It's my wife fucked up on this one.

So she's gonna have to fix it. But that's enough. You get it. Go to robacallylive.com right now. If I didn't mention your town, it might be up on my website. If not, email me. The club you want me to come to and I will make sure my agent is on it. So there you go.

Okay, I'm at the dentist right now. The intro for this podcast. I have Nova Cane in my mouth. That's the music in the background, background, ice. I'm getting a feeling. So I got like a couple minutes to do this intro before it comes back in and starts this craziness. It's Mike Moe and Bill Morgan Murphy,

Michael Hara, Bill Squire, myself. And this is a show I should have put out a month ago, but it just somehow got into a file box into my drop box and we never used it. So I put in the self-rethers day show up the doctors back? He's about to do my filling, so finish it, finish my filling. All right, so I gotta go. So there you go. Thursday podcast, Mike, Moe and Bill, I think it's called a Moe Bill and Mike, something like that. Three of very funny comics. Three of my favorites, as far as people and comedy. So enjoy. Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn.

This is Jim Norton. This is Dennis Leary. This is Opie from a lot of things. This is Bert Kreiser. Staying cooking, you are listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? You know what, dude?

If you bippy-by-a, if you bippy-boo, dippy-dippy-dry-a, you have a dava-do. Dude! This is Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? Alright, so check it out. We're um doing this is episode and on the YKW fucking dead dead. We're doing what does it say Friday? Friday. Friday. This is I wasn't supposed to I don't do shows on Friday. I usually do shows on Monday, but I had some fucking good friends I'm gonna stop saying fuck I say fuck a little too much, but notice that around the kid I call them a fuckhead the other day, but in a good way. I was like a little fuck head

I was like I don't know if he's absorbing shit right now. I don't know First we have fuckhead, but I Got a bunch of good friends came into town and friends that I've actually haven't seen in a while that are in town and so to my left we have Bill Squire from Cleveland. Hey Bobby, thanks for having me on. Who used to open for me all the time? Yeah, we did a bunch of shows together. We got my food and be sad. We weren't sad. I mean, once we did the Pittsburgh improv, we went and got food. I went to a Walmart at like one in the morning and we came back. We were so fucking tired. And then we came to this street with a train came by

that literally took an hour and 13 minutes. Like I was like, dude, I gotta go to bed. Like I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep and it's just fucking Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-uh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh- We're sketched that no one's ever seen. We did. This is before, this is pre-youtube. Right? YouTube was like just starting. Yes, starting. We wrote a sketch. What was it called? The Justice Fairy.

Where he had wings and a wand and tites. And tites. A fake gun. Yes, and a fake gun and a knife. And when people were rude, I would murder them. Yeah, he would be them. For being rude. Like I would someone walk out the door and the person wouldn't say, thank you.

Like holding the door or whatever. They wouldn't say thank you. Well, the person would say thank you and the person wouldn't say, you're welcome back, which is just as rude in my book. If you don't get to you, welcome. If I say, if I say thank you to you for holding the door and you just stare at me like I'm a cunt

and I just, you had to do it because I'm a cunt and you don't say you're welcome, I want to punch you and you fucking track you. And so he would come in and keep murder of those people, stab them and kill them for not saying those things. And that... And we thought that would be funny. We thought it would actually be viral before viral was a word.

That should be a government funded program just having a fairy follow you around and kill group people. I live in Hell's Kitchen so I have it all the time. Thanks to Chelsea filling up. We got Michael Harrah from fucking the fan cave. No longer.'t I can't say them you guys are organized a lot of my fans We'll know this the the MLB fan cave used to be tower records over yeah on Broadway and what street was that fourth fourth and They look they took it over and they made it in this crazy complex of baseball and TVs and Memorabelia and you cockuggest came up with this crazy idea you you yeah and then you found the other guy correct it wasn't him no no like uh... some type of whatever advertising company got in partnership with baseball

and came up with an idea what if we got one jerk off you all the games yeah right so i needed a job and i applied for it and i got it and then it was like well you do whatever you want and the thing is they wanted me to do whatever I wanted just as long as they said it was okay. Yeah, that's cool. And then they found a sidekick and Ryan and now it's completely different than anything we did. They don't have comedians or anything.

But you guys had to watch every game. Yeah. So you went in there. I mean, it was in the building for every game, right? There was no humanly possible way. Right, but there was a million TV. You guys would be there. You'd have baseball players show up all day long all day long Yeah, all day long. Yeah, all day long all day long all day on night. I'm over here now

right and then You'd uh, and you'd have a you'd comics come in me and florentine gave me some skits Yeah, you did all this internet content. It was actually fucking a blast. I mean you love sports We got Morgan Murphy who's pretty much family to me and my wife well you are we love you me and my wife if my wife loves you then your family if I just love you you're your your your friend and I could you know I I can cut love out of my life quick like literally hours just I don't love him anymore and just never talk to you. But you you are Morgan Murphy who is open for me before too That was awesome. We had a lot of fun. We were in the train. We took a train down to stress factory and I was doing these videos for Twitter

and I remember I grabbed her hair Morgan, you hurt me. Well, I would beat you up But you would take it because you're you're people if you don't know about you You're very athletic, right? You're you play you're like fucking you can play ball with LeBron James I probably could yeah, I mean you're you're an athlete you play ball You know how to rap you break dance, right? You bang black dudes You have you don't need more because you're trying to get somewhere in the business.

But, now you're banging chicks. But, I mean, you can take it. You're not like, you're not like a little tiny, you know. And you kind of, this is what bug me, you took it. I grabbed your hair and pull it and then smash your head off your own chin. And you'd take it. And you'd be like, ow, ow, ow, ow, but I never stopped you. You never would stop me. You never

went, don't do that. Oh, I don't, I'm that hurts. You just go, ow, ow, oh, the end, I knew it would be a funny video. But then I wonder what people in the train thought. That was the funniest part, though, you didn't see it. I saw people's head there, they were just like, didn't get well I was grabbing this beautiful woman's Curly, I mean her she has fucking game of thrones hair Right and I would just grab But so funny I wish I could find that fucking video and made me chuggle

Ow But anyway, we got to row the intern. What's we say, row? It's a row, Tim. But we don't like to say that. Me, not because some people, because they're, they don't like Jewish people. Me, I just, it's hard for me to say.

If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, common Jewish name. It's just really, it's not really. I was gonna say, okay, it's really, and that's kind of, don't get, don't get, don't get, that was confused. I'm Irish Catholic. I have a me too.

That's actually, and Morgan is Irish. I'm Irish Jewish. Oh, well, she, we got a cupboard. We're good. I'm Irish Catholic too, with a little Italian, make sense. So even though Colin Quinn says I look like something you'd get at the gift store and the way home from Hawaii.

Well, he's a sweetheart, he's a sweetheart. I was just talking to him yesterday. He came to my house to give the baby a little present. And he waited long enough. What's up? He waited long enough. No, he went to the hospital. Oh, he was at the hospital. Oh, yeah.

He used to go to the Godfather like two weeks right to three weeks The godfather my baby your baby's only three weeks old two and a half weeks. Okay, so when you're calling fuckhead He didn't get that what's that when you're calling the baby's okay. He didn't understand. No, he doesn't understand Sounds like he was a cool way to say I'm not when he's coming on school dad had a great day fuckhead What are you doing now that's that's what my father did to me? I don't want to do that right? Second father not the first one all the third or my fourth Jewish step foster father. He didn't, he was good too. The second one. Yeah, he came over yesterday and he was, we were talking about women who I racked together.

I went with him and Steve Byrne, who came to my house too. And I remember we took this, you know, this, like to the 20 miles, 20 miles to the Syrian border from the middle of Baghdad. It was a three hour helicopter ride at night with the doors open. They have dudes on 50 cows and you fly in 100 feet over the desert. And it's, I thought, nobody told me. I thought it was the desert you hear desert right you know I packed a jacket a light jacket

you know It's fucking below zero in the winter time out there. It's like here except worse Because you know there's no moisture. There's no mall. Yeah, there's no you can't just flick a switch and go home You know what I mean? We're in this shinnook at around 2.30 in the morning and Colin has an assistant with him. So of course she checked the weather. She got him, it was a puffy dress. It went to his ankles and it had like a fucking dead baby seal around the head. Just fur. It was fucking crazy. The warmers

coat ever. This motherfucker had. And he's just sitting there. You can just see his little stupid nose pointing out and smiling. Just warm and toasty. Around two and a half hours in, it was one of the worst nights of my life. Because it was almost insanity, the cold.

Because it wouldn't go away. I talked everything into everything, and it still got in. And I couldn't not be cold cold and it drove me fucking mad The only thing that made me happy was looking over at Steve burn who brought a windbreaker And watching him try to fucking kung fu his way out of the cold just see his face Chit you just keep changing and then he just shagging, stamp his feet every eight minutes.

It was the best. I was just laughing. My jacket was a little warmer than his. The US military didn't bring any jackets for you. Like, hey guys, it's getting a little chippy up here. No, look at me. These guys don't have jackets. They have a flat jacket.

They stick their head in like a turtle. They put their helmet down and they, because they're men, and they, they man up. I'm not a man. Yeah, they were worth about the cold. Yeah, dude, they're men, okay? Yeah, this shit. You didn't put the precursor in there. You know what they're, you know what they're excited about

being cold and napping. Yeah, I get to react. I get to react. We go up the plane. I had my, I went into radio check because I'm such a tech douche and I bought a flashlight that straps to you helmet. And then it blinks, blinks on and off, right? So I hit the blinking thing on

and then I had two glow sticks. I don't know where I got to. And I get off the guy goes, put that fucking thing out. And he slaps the thing off my head. He goes, what are you nuts? We're 20 miles from the Syrian, we got snipers everywhere.

You want to fucking die? I was just, I was too close to ex. Don't put me back on the helicopter. And Colin walks up to me, goes, ah, you look like a fucking plane landing a plane. It's like too close to ex. I just walked away, I was so fucking. I love that Ollie does this, say shitty things about you

and he's the godfather of your best Bobby you remember when just as many shitty things. I remember I beat him up in Japan Do you remember when I met Colin quay? No, we were hanging out downstairs. Yeah, and you and Jim Norton and Colin were sitting at the table, uh-huh And I asked if I could sit down and you guys said yes But then you kept typing the senses comedy-seller comics only comedy-seller One of our favorite things in the world to do right and I had no idea what's going on

Then I finally look at the thing yeah, and I picked it up because I'm like 24 or 25 years old You went the wrong route. I went the wrong route. You should have you should have laughed, but you went I'll fuck you went I tried to one up. I tried to have one up you guys. You tried to one up the motherfucking, the people my hair rose. Oh my hair rose. Yeah, like to me, I'm just off-road. The darkest corner of intimidation.

This is actually kind of world. This is going back to me. So I pick up the sign and I move it to another table. And they didn't think it was funny. That's balls it. The dishwasher thought it was funny. The dishwasher thought it was funny and I thought it was funny. And then just kind of went back and forth like Jimmy just left. He's like, I'm right. I'm just gonna go home. Yeah, me and then, and then, and then Colin just berated me for the next hour and a half. Yeah. And then we went to the Huki Lau, like two days later. Yeah. And you're like, Colin wanted to

beat you up. I'm like, I thought it was funny. I just, like two days later. And you're like, call him one to beat you up. I thought it was funny. I just love it though. I love you at the ball's to do that because I literally saw a shirt on the way over here that I was gonna buy and wear. But I was like, I think I'm gonna go to the seller later and if I wear that shirt to the seller,

I'll get destroyed. So I didn't even buy the shirt. Yeah, I, this hat that your hat to the fan cave, I will not wear that into the into the scummy cell tonight. No, no I'm debating my hat. I'm on the fence about you. You're definitely gonna get smashed for you. Let's that plan hat That's terrible. That's a terrible hat though like no it's actually it's a good hat. It's a golf hat I mean it's a good hat when you sweat in it. It's a dead head It's a death I guess what a golf bag guess what? Yeah, you're there it is Okay, so they fucking go

Case closed counts that I can sweat in this fucking hat on the train and I don't have to worry about the only thing when I take it off The sweat just pours down my face and I look like I'm leaking It's just awful. I gotta lose weight. I'm done Yeah, is it like you gain weight after you quit smoking? Yeah. It was two years ago, August. Yes, I did. How about after the during the white pregnancy? Are you looking at me? I'm supposed to look at you. Yeah, I know, but are you looking at me? I mean, do you really need to ask that question? No, I didn't know if that was part, if that was like part of something that you were going through like I quit smoking to better myself and now I lost Way I quit smoking to have a kid. Yeah, I love to put on weight when your wife was putting on weight

I put on sympathy weight or something I put on well, I put on weight When I quit smoking yeah, and then when she got pregnant It got very easy to manipulate her it was very hard to manipulate my wife. I'd be like, let's get pizza, no. And she's a great cook, so you know, you've been offered dinner. So cook real good shit. And we usually eat good shit for lunch.

And you know, you can't buy a turkey sandwich on the whole wheat bread from your house. You can't go out and buy it. I don't give a fuck where you go. It's not the same. You can't buy rose pork dinner or meatloaf, you can't go out and buy it. I don't get a fuck where you go. It's just, it's not the same. You can't buy, you know, Rose Pork dinner or meatloaf. You can't. It's fucked up.

But when she got pregnant and she, you know, I'd be like, you know, what are we gonna do for dinner? I don't know. Hamburg is, all right. I mean, okay, I'm fucked. I had the number ready to go. I knew Kishi backed out. I knew what the fuck.

Let's go, luckies, this, that. And I go, you want cheese? Cheese, cheese, we should get cheese. I mean, cheese. You know, it's a nightmare. It's a fuck, but now she's coming back. Now that the baby's gone, and it's weird how, and Bill's wife is here too.

Yes. And it's weird how the women, the baby comes out, and you're right kind of back to what you were. I mean, pretty much. I would say it's like seven out of 10. Do you have a kid? No, not yet. Well, fuck, do you know?

Well, my sister has a kid. I'm kidding, don't have a kid. I can't. I've seen women before, I think. I'm absolutely kidding. I don't know. What do you mean seven out of 10? I like some of them, like, you know,

they go back to looking like fucking Marines, you know, like, flat stomachs, all the things. Well, no, they pretty much ran the race. My wife is not a Marine. She's still got, I mean, look, I didn't know what to expect after you become that big. I didn't know that, you know, I mean, she's still got a little bit, but I like a little bit.

I'm kind of a fan of it. I don't, but she's kind of back, and she's every day she looks more and more like of herself. I mean, I don't know what a vagina looks like. The last time I saw it, it looked like Rocky Balboa's lips at the end of the third fucking fight, but I just saw. Were you in the living room or what? Yeah, I was in the fucking... So you weren't topside. You went down into the wall. I was top the living room when I was in the topside you went down and I was topside no I saw it I saw it it's certain

points I had though I looked did you get sick at all because I know no no I got a week stomach but I didn't see any I didn't see any of the blood I refute I didn't look at any of the blood I didn't look at any of the stuff that came out I looked at the head when it was coming out. Oh, she went, here's the head. I had to look at that. Because it was my son coming into the world. So the vagina turned on that gun. Yeah.

Yeah, it was fucking weird, man. Yeah, it's called Quint's Code on. But thank God my kid had a lot of hair. So it just looked like an extension of the veg. Not that my wife had a lot of hair. So it just looked like an extension of the vatch. Not that my wife has a lot of hair, but the hair and the kids hair. Kinda melded. You know what I mean?

If you squint your eyes at a Christmas tree, you can see what you need lights. That was, that was, like if you squint, it was just looked like a bigger vagina. I don't know, it didn't flip me out. It looked like you were vagina. I didn't tell you, I said your kid kid looks like your kid looks like your wife's husband and you look like the baby they had Your kids got so much hair

He's just like a regular dude and then you're just like this big baby that they had That's fucking true my kid looks like more of a man than me right now He's got this what's freaking me out. He's got a brown Blonde he's got brown brown blonde. He's got brown hair blonde highlights that might be turning red. No offense. Morgan, I love you. And as far as redheads go, you're a natural redhead. Okay. So you have brown hair. Okay, good. What I'm about to say would have offended you.'re you know you're an exception to the rule you're pretty red hat which is fucking

the odds are astronomical i mean i think women pull off red hair way better than men we're absolutely absolutely i definitely women can but you read it in my sister's a reddit my little brothers are right now my little brother's a reddit yeah i mean my brother's good looking to do that you have it in your jeans. You need to carry in it. Oh, we're both like, oh please not not a ginger

We just don't we don't want to fucking ruin all our rubat trips cuz Fucking we didn't get enough sunscreen for douche. You're like, oh let it be retarded. I don't care Just not a red head. I don't have freckles in that one-fang tooth just that yellow her you know and Is that all come with her hair? Yeah, man, redheads. Freckles, ah, man. I remember I had sex with the redhead for the first time, the first redhead had sex with freak me out, because I could literally see life being pumped into her veg.

Like I could see the veins from her legs. Like I could see the blue lines feeding her body. Like I was just like, what the fuck? I kind of want to see blue lines going into your vage. You don't need me, but I was younger then. I was a little younger then. Of course, my first girlfriend was a redhead and it was very exciting like when I went down on her to see that she actually had like a red bush too. Like that was a fun thing at the time for me because I'm like, it was a joke people always made.

It was a car from match to drapes and then when I saw that it actually did, I was like, this is amazing. Like I get to tell people now that she does have this. Yeah, because I was 17 and I was like, stupid. She's got red hair and red pussy. It's great. Fucking red. Jesus, why do I do a voice with it? That's what I sound like when I 17.

This is my girlfriend. Everybody, she's got a red pussy. I just want you to meet her. I'm her first young boy. I remember the first platinum blonde, like legitimate platinum blonde girl I met. And her hair, her pewes, first platinum blonde, like legitimate platinum blonde girl I met and her hair pews were platinum blonde.

It was just like fucking meeting a unicorn. Was she from Norway or something? No, she was from Revea, Massachusetts. Oh Jesus, that is right. Oh, that was the girl with the Fang Tooth. I courted this girl for a long time in AMA. Just to see or? No, I just loved her.

She was just as ditty, almost like a Marilyn Monroe type of ditty chick that was in these A-A meetings I used to go to. But she was just smoking hot. And I courted her, man. I remember I was just, oh my God. It was like the first girl I kind of really liked. And I remember we kissed for the first time finally after like a month And this year you're recording her for a month. Well back then it was a long time

I was in a meeting to finger fuck chicks in the parking lot after a dance You know and that was courting hey, how you doing some b 52s rock lobster and them Just the fact that you keep using the term that's it would sound like the courting term is 52's and the past. That sounds almost like your train noise. Ha ha ha ha. I remember she goes like this, she goes, did it bother you? I go, what?

She goes, the tooth. I go, what? What? She goes, my tooth. I go, what tooth? She then she opens her mouth and she points to the roof of her mouth. She had a fang tooth growing out of the roof of her mouth. Like in the middle? Yeah. What the f... Like from her soft palate oh my god

yeah wish she had twin in the no that wasn't separate which is an eye ball oh shit so anyways man we get I'm not gonna ever get over the fang tooth in the middle of her mouth you I I l it. I thought it was gum. Oh. God, stuck there. Oh, dude. I mean, I was in love too. I just couldn't get over that. I just, then she, I remember I blew, I kind of fucking blew her off after that. And she wore nylons in the summer, like all the time.

That, I don't know what that was. That just bothered me. It's nine lones all the time. I mean nine lones once in a while. Sure. But not during the day on a Tuesday. You know what I mean? Yeah, I had a Sunday. Yeah, I remember I had to take him off one day and it was just hot.

Just this heat came off of, it was like an easy bake oven type of heat. You didn't burn your hand. Take your thing, that hot clammy skin that's just fun. Oh, oh, this is what fuck me up too Is I remember she had a hair on her nipple? My red game. She had great great tits one hair just one hair now And I thought I was in hair from ahead because it was really long. It was blonde and really long It was around that long around maybe six to eight inches long and I went to pull it and it was attached to our tit.

Yeah. You don't see this? What'd you think it was a cat hair for fucking nine years? Well, you've never seen, I mean, you die it later in life when it goes gray I mean it's an apony tail you don't want that yeah yeah I mean I pulled it and they're tipped you know that like like a magic trick it just like one long one's like it's not it's like part of a gypsy curse or something oh my god maybe spit out my coffee on the microphone I went in my nose you got your gyms

heat curse Fuck me man So uh Anyhoo Morgan you're the right one of the writers on On one of the greatest the funniest shows out there right now, right? I mean it's a hit show It's a hit show. Yeah, don't be humble asshole. Yeah, it's just one of those shows that like a half men uh... i'd rather two broke girls close if you have you have to have to you have to have to do it yeah it's funny it's one of those shows that like it ever like it's a i guess

america seems to watch but not in my friends like my close close friends don't really watch it but they are supportive of me why don't why don't they watch it i don't know just you know i think you don't they watch it? I don't know. I just, you know, I did use you on it your own conversation. Yeah, I did. I've watched it I think it's funny. It's funny. It's it's very like broad and silly and I'd rather it's fun to write for it Because you just get to write big big silly jokes. Well, it's so funny with you your career is

So effortless and I know you have I know it probably isn't, but to somebody sitting out here, where you just make decisions for yourself since I've met you as far as coming here, and even leaving here, you're like, mm, I'm done, I'll just go get a writing job. Like, I didn't know there was a job, I didn't know, and there's, I've quit a lot, I'm not quit, I mean, yeah quit.

You were ready for Fallon? Yeah, Kimmel Fallon, stuff. And then like after two years, I'm like, there's gotta be something else. I don't know lot not quit. I mean yeah quit you're right for Fallon Yeah, Kim will fallon and then like after two years I'm like there's got to be something else I don't know what it is and then someone else seems to come along which is which is nice like that's I guess I can see how that would seem easy. Yeah, well, I mean it's effort effort effortlessly Is that the word sure? It's like I for me everybody is doing I'm gonna move to LA. I'm gonna fucking make this chain I'm gonna do I do it out of the fucks go do the and you're just like yeah, I'm just I quit

I'm gonna quit failing what I'm just gonna I don't think I'm gonna move back to I just wanna That's probably what's gonna go to LA. All right. I'll get a job or something will come up and it's like All right, and then then you're all fucking right and free, H.O. It's like fucking stupid. It's your career. Just it's a great, I like to see that. It's almost a, it's not a stressful, I see so many guys are going, what the fuck fucking, what the fuck in, you know, I mean, even myself, I, you get caught up in the, well, everybody's got something but me it and then p.m. people want different things the only time i get frustrated is

if someone's attitudes like that if they're like with a fuck i want to be a writer want to be right i'm like we do you have a do you have a speckscript or like no not a good work but you have a little some sort of sample you know even if it's ten years old have a piece of paper you can head a subway that goes like, I know how to type, I can spell. Well that's what, fuck man.

I wrote an FX script with me, Billion Jell. We wrote the book together. We wrote the movie together. We, I've done a lot of writing in the last couple years, but the one thing that I regret in life and I fucking hate that it's so, it's just a cliche that everybody, everybody, you know, everybody says

you gotta go to school, you gotta learn shit. But I was in Juveehaw, I didn't, from 13 to whenever I just didn't learn English I didn't learn to writing and and I and I'm such a writer in my head you know I remember I remember writing stuff in burble like dude what the fuck man but I just don't know how to spell I don't know I don't know grandma you know I just fucking ten pages without a period you know I mean I put a comma that's a run on sentence but I learned oh god dude if you if you read my my word talk it was just fucking squiggly and red and green coming poem but with But with dick and fucking shit, just like,

dick, dick, fuck shit. I learned a lot though. I learned a lot from writing. I mean, you really do learn a lot from, and reading to be on, weird enough, the more you read, the more you learn how shit goes together. But I still need my fucking wife. I got married, one of the best things ever. Yes, I love her. Yes, it's awesome But I love just going to a doctor's office and just handing her the form

Yeah, you fucking spell man had and I don't know a HH and then Is your handwriting even terrible to my I have the I swit of God I'm a fucking have like multiple personalities some days my handwriting is I swear to God, I'm a fucking multiple personalities. Some days my handwriting is fucking impeccable, a John Hancock. And then some days, every other letter is capital. And then just a lowercase. It's like capital, capital, lowercase, lowercase,

capital, lowercase, low, I'm just a fucking idiot. I've written stuff in the same page, and it looks like seven different people sign this fucking. You got like retardation turrets yeah you're like smart for a little while you have like retarded tics i really i don't have that's why i love my grandfather he was so patient with everything

when he wrote he gently held a pencil just barely held on to it and wrote this beautiful handwriting beautiful script i can even i don't even know how to do cursive anymore and like when i help my kids do homework i i can just do it for them and hand it in because they can't tell the difference because my handwriting so terrible that's stupid that's good but in a couple years it's going to change what it already like i can only help the youngest one because the other ones are too good at writing now.

Well, can't you have the older ones help you? Can they start helping you? No, they don't help me with anything. They just make me angry. Really? Did they make do you get mad? I get mad. Yeah, just they fight all, there's three girls that are within three years of each other. So they fight all the fucking time. So that gets a little annoying. Really? Yeah. I have a sister.

I know. It feels. Yeah. She's four years younger than me. And we fight all the time. And it's about nothing. About nothing. About clothing.

About who gets more. Yes. It's very awful. Exactly. Nothing. Yes. All jealousy. But she's jealous of me.

I'm not jealous of her. Yeah. But you are also jealous of her. Because she's probably has something that you like that you wish, like, or you just feel that you're better than her. But it doesn't matter. But I don't, you know, I used to get really angry and scream a lot, I've toned a lot of that shit back.

Okay, that's my thing with the kid. I have a temper. Fuckin' dude, fuckin' to. So, don't even start with me seriously if you're going to get off on this fucking tangent I'm gonna fucking come back and kick you square in the fucking balls. I can put your bark fucking cock in a box of rocks and shuffle on out of you. I see a Boston strong up there I get it. I fucking get it your

Boston strong. My goal does the best fucking everyone I did in show was the first time I met him and he was Like do you got a fucking do two more again the way he says fucking to so is the surrounded by all this fucking jerk off So college don't even give me static a higher About what fucking New York douche bags fucking ass may hate us for no reason We We They hate us for no reason. Oh, horror. It's like for me. No, for first time. It's probably not fucking the... We hate you.

What? Why, what? Listen, we hate you. You can have fucking Rhode Island. We don't want it. We hate you for a good fucking reason. You guys have been cock-sackers. Not in the last 12 years,

because championship team town. Okay? First of all. All right, but for that, for my childhood, you guys were fucking dicklicks. You were fucking the Yankees, the pinstripes, the fucking stupid moustaches and the gray skin. You all had gray fucking skin.

You all had, you didn't get in the sun enough. You were just gray skinned, fucking moustache wearing. You all look like Don Mattyly, your cock suckers. Yeah, I read you Jackson, a real hard time with his son. Yeah, but you guys treated us like shit. Fucking much stash wearing you all look like Don Maddenly your cock suckers Yeah, but you guys treated us like shit. We didn't treat you at all. We didn't think about you We're That's worse the only way it's a rivalry is for Boston people you have a fucking It's like L.A. New York like L.A. L.A. doesn't give a shit about San Francisco. We're fine with San Francisco San Francisco hates L.A They hate us. They do We don't even think we don't even really think about it.

It's like it's a nice place to visit. I love to visit San Francisco. Beautiful. Exactly. I don't like LA. I'm not an LA guy, but I don't have a vitro hatred for them. I'm just not my time. We don't anymore. It's over between us. It really is. You know why? It's over. Because we won in 2000. And the rivalry won for 27 to 2 when you're like there we go Well, let's not get in fits dude. We're celebrating tonight hang on clock suck you for let me tell you something Mike

The way we That's even scary That's what the cops used to do listen you get in the fucking car. I'm gonna fucking bash you with my building clubs you fucking punk You fucking punk get in my building clubs, you fucking punk. You fucking punk getting the fucking cock, kid. Listen, 2004, do you understand why it's like 26 championships? Do you get it? I do, because my brother is a boxer. Tell me what you get, that's it.

Why? It's generations of my grandfather and his father. And now? And now? And now? And now? And now? Tell me what you get that why it's generations of my grandfather and his father They never saw a title. We were so close to 86 and the fucking Mets and Buckner. You should have won game seven When you play man bill for it wasn't his fault. I got to turn you down a little bit We'll be sick. No, no, it's good. You don't have to eat it. You can like an intro You can't even take a credit for all those Yankees because I don't take it. I didn't play at all No, no, I'm like you can only be Proud of the ones that had well

you were alive, like that's what I'm saying, like this. Well, I was born in 73, so I got some late 70s as a child and I saw him lose in 81 to the Dodgers, which is part of the reason I hate Los Angeles. So I'm kind of a Boston guy in a way because I'll never, you know, I got to fight with Tommy Lassort at Dodger Stadium because I wouldn't take my Yankee hat off.

What? Yeah. When? My buddy John got a fight with Tommy the sort of at Dodger stadium because I wouldn't take my Yankee hat off what yeah When I my buddy John got a job, you know, he's a comedian he needed a day job. So he's working there like some Favaro no no, yeah, Favaro definitely needed a day job. No, he's like I'm gonna work events I pass out t-shirts for the first 1500 fans so they rent out Dodger stadium to rich people for you know Barbecue's in charge of such a comedians job Yeah, I mean he was just like, a job of comedian. That's so sad. So he calls all his other Yahoo friends. He's like, hey, you guys want to shag flies during this thing.

All you got to do is stand in the outfield and catch balls and throw them back in. I was like, yeah, fuck, now I'll do that. And it got really hot. So I went in the dugout and just sitting there at my Yankee cap on and it's like Ron say and Garvey and all the walking around taking pictures. And here comes LaSorta, waddling down.

He wants to make a show for all the little kids there so he's like oh this guy is fucking lost i don't know how to let it go and i was like you know what time you all do respect fuck off i'm not losing my hat i hate that guy i just really hate time in the sort that so a but he's mr. baseball and now now he's not isn't he mr. baseball

you call himself days for fucking Norris town pennsylvania's all dodger blue he's been with the dodgers for a long time. They made him a lot of money That's true and I actually did get a medium cuz of a fan gave not he's but he's really close So I apologize to him cuz I don't want that on my fucking conscience. Yeah, I'm sure he doesn't remember He doesn't I'm sure he doesn't tell the story he told him that fucking kid the kid one day the kids in it with the fucking Yagi's cow I says get the hat off punk. I beat the shit out of this kid, that's his story. I think that's how he came off right away

in his version of the story. I just ran back out of the field, his neck had chased me. I'd love it if he did. I would be great. He chased you and did a nice fucking double leg take down. But did Boston people still hate LA? We don't hate LA at all, We don't give a fuck about LA.

See, that was a big thing when I was a kid in the 80s, because it was the whole Lakers in the Celts. But I rooted for Larry in those guys, because I couldn't stand, man. And you're a racist. Just, I'm kidding. I'm Irish, so it's part of me culture, you know? No, but yeah, no. I don't. I just didn't like... I just want to say Pat Riley. I want to say something. Nobody like Pat Riley, because he was like Miami vice.

His hair was slipped back. He was out of place there. Yeah, there was so contemporary, the Lakers of the 80s, just fucking contemporary douchebags. You know that, you know, while Larry Bird was still using a razor, like a big magic, we had an electric thing in his hell, and you know, you had a microwave when Larry was cooking like on a grill outside.

You know, Larry was making way less less money because he did it for the... And he had fucked them, fucked the lakers. And then what I'm talking about is the reason why we are caught up with you as far as the Yankees go, we were down three to nothing. Oh, no, yeah. Three to one. It was her right. Okay, and the fact that we came back... It was you. ...and in history, and we won against you guys, and the way that we came back and in history and we won against you guys and the way we fucking did it

That's why that's why it's it it's not 26 but it felt like 26 right because we did it and we did it on your fucking backs And we fucking did it and mushed your face and not in the mud in the fucking turtle shit Yeah, we just mushed it down and you went up and we pushed you back down again and then game And then you fucking for right and fight and right in your face And we won and then we went and swept the fucking world series to win the fucking championship. We went fucking how many games did we win in our row? Well, you've won four and the four.

Seven, eight, no you won eight games in a row. To win the championship via your fucking pen stripes. Do you understand that that's 26 championships to us? To us. That's the difference between New York and Boston. No, that's not. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I mean, you don't want to go to football. You know what bugs me about that? The fact that they're giants one? It's that manning that did it.

I'll take it from the blonde one. I'm not taking it from the fucking rut of the litter. Fucking cross-eyed dumb McGee. Duh, we do fuck him. Fucking Eli, he knows dumb, fucking dick knows fucking dick nose. I swear to God I always as there's somebody who has to wipe his wet lip in between plays Did it do good coach? I don't know if either of them look like Chroma's omelette

Somebody's a writer chromosomely sound. I'm a zonely sad is that a word from his Somebody's a writer chromosome at least sound chromosomely sad is that a word chromosome? She is chromosomely, you call it Eli the rut of the letter not the run. I said the rut, oh shit. You're sure though we didn't want to correct you right away. You could correct it. I was making up a word I think.

Listen to me, this show feel free to fucking correct me and tell me a piece of shit that's all that happens on this fucking show Because you talk about sports championships know from Cleveland so I'm nothing to talk about you know I I swear to co-star. Let's just start there. Well, that's he's the best. He's an alcoholic I love him and his daughter's a porn star now. Oh, yeah, that's that's oh that that's my biggest I wanted to grow so bad But then I and that is a fear of mine because I I'm such a freak him so many issues I didn't want to pass this on to my kid. I mean just a one day

You know, oh god even sex has changed for me now. It's like I don't want my kid To somehow find out all the things that you like I remember the first time I found a dildo in my mom's draw. I fucking, I had a panic attack. Oh, I found condoms in my mom's bathroom and I cried. Oh my god. And I don't even know why. I don't know why that was my reaction, but I called my friend and I started crying on the phone.

And I was like, Is it at a picture of face with an X through it? How'd it be, oh. I was like, I was old, old enough, like 12 or 13 or something. No, what they were. Yeah, I was like, oh my god, I swear because I had never met a guy. I never met anyone that she was with. So I was like, she's like, fucking on the side or something.

I don't know what's happening. My mom has a date Saturday, by the way. She told me not to talk about it. She told me not to talk about it. She told me not to talk about it. She told me not to talk about it. She told me not to talk about it. She told me not to talk about it. No, she met an accountant at TJ Maxx. Really? Yeah.

How do you meet the, did you get back in the back room? Why did you? No, no, she met an accountant at TJ Matt. Like she met a guy who's an accountant at a TJ Maxx store, but he would work at the TJ Maxx store. Okay. They had a meet cute at TJ Maxx. Yep. That's amazing. Really? That's. I don't even know there. TJ Maxx is still out there. Oh my god. Oh, there are a few. That's the. Really? I don't even know their TJ Maxx is still out there. Oh my God, the store. Oh, they're everywhere. That's the best store ever. The Maxx for the minimum. That is a mom's store. Yeah.

Yeah, you can go in there and get a fucking leather ottoman and a sundress. Yeah. And then an iPad charger for like fucking eight bucks. Yeah. Yeah, Marshalls and dress barn. My mother's just do like Jewish singles events for like middle age people at TJ Maxx. Fuck Jewish, you two Christian and Jewish. My mother, any gift you get is gonna have a red sticker on it.

Like mark down. The red sticker over the regular white sticker. There's the sale price and then there's the red where it's like seven two two. Like it's not even like a seven. $2.99 for an iPhone 3 case. Yeah, it's crazy. My pop got me a pair of basketball sneakers

and I forget this in fifth grade as I wanted the Michael Jordan's. They were the same color, but they weren't Jordan's. One size was bigger than the other and they were like bound together with the little fucking thing at a TJ Maxx. They put on a size 11 and they're the one that gets size nine and I'm like,

pop these don't fit. It's like, what, oh, that's what you got to be like, you looked at me as if it was my fucking fall. You want your shoes to fit. Okay, classy. It's like these are our adjorns. I was like, I don't know, adjorns. I was close to fit the proper way so he doesn't get injured. I got so much. What are you talking about? Red sucks fan. Is that what you want to do? You want to fucking follow the red sucks? Like, they have both their shoes. That's why we're tough for Yankee fans. We walk around with nine and a 12th. That's right You never know my brothers are red so I think we live. I want the red hair So there you go. I love TJ Maxx. I have my mother has the disease. It's a fucking disease

It's it's it's it's it's almost like food where you can go into a marshals or a t-j max and come out with things that make in for other people like you know here's a you know here's a spoon set that i thought you might like i thought it was four dollars it's like yeah this looks like it should be a hundred dollars you know they mean like here i bought an hourglass

for fucking six dollars i don't know what are you gonna use an hourglass for? It doesn't matter. I was gonna use it for this podcast. It doesn't matter though, because it's $6. It's six, but I had a red tag on it. It's at my house now. It looks beautiful.

I got that pair of Adidas track pants with you. We bought new outfits before a show once. We were like asking each other, asking, does this look good? We got all those shirts with all the fucking glitter and screen print all over us. Oh, you're talking about the affliction shirts. Yeah, and it was, they weren't affliction because it was TJ Maxx.

It was like, but it was like that kind of style. I got like a fucking eagle. Yeah. Fucking, you know, coming down on a cliff. Like Ed Hardy stuff. Yeah, like, it was, coming down on a cliff. Like Ed Hardy stuff. Yeah, like Jim Hardy is better. It was like pre-Ed Hardy. Okay.

It was leading up to that shit. We're winning over, like it wasn't quite that, but it was on its way to that. I remember, I remember when, this is such a fucking error. And I never thought there would be an error that was worse than parachute pants. But we hit it with when we had was a Swarsky Crystal shirts when you'd have the crystals on your shirt. Do

you remember that? Yeah, yeah. It was a few, a couple years ago, a few years ago. Yeah, I'd never got into that. Maybe it's longer than, maybe six years ago. Yeah, I'm gonna say if you were doing that a few years ago, I don't know if I would have. I had a shirt, I had a shirt with like a knife with all crystals. You wore that to the cellar? I wore it on stage when we did the tourgasm tour or whatever the fuck we did. It had all these crystals on it. It was sparkly.

It had a belt that said rock in those pointy rock letters. And it had crystals in the whole thing. But you couldn't wear that belt the whole day because it'd be poking up in the go. Well, this one I was thin, and then I knew when I was gonna fat again. I think orgasm, you weren't. No, no, no, after orgasm, dude.

When I, you gotta see a orgasm come out, that was a year in between, when I got thin again, I bought these clothes, and I remember when I got fat again, I still have the bell buckle, but I remember it cut me the R. Oh jeez. When I got fat, the R actually stuck into my gut. It's supposed to do that.

And to tell you not to wear it. It's the best thing that could have happened to you. It should have done that when you were thin on it. But did you think that was style? I remember any Irish kids that wore that kind of thing. I remember I tucked my t-shirt into the R. You'd see a little bit of the bell buckle remember that when that was in I think some dudes like there's a bling thing that Happens where guys go like this makes me look rich or something like I always think that the

Like the like the Persian dudes in my neighborhood like I've like a lot of Armenian dudes in the Persian We don't know I don't know what they are, but they're nice. You know, we all have just calm terrorists But they all dressed like this is what I realize, they all dress like, they're rich guys, but they dress like poor guys trying to look rich. Like it's very tacky rich shit, you know, it's like all the blinged out, like die, like the sorta ed hearty stuff.

It's a cloth clothes, it's a cloth, yeah, but it's also like the shoes that say Gucci or the shoes that say products So you know their product, but it just makes you the cheaper when you go away to like a Caribbean island and you go to the mall and they have the sneaker store And yeah, it says like fucking diesel down the side of the gene. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I know you talk about it It's very European. Yeah, but it makes you look it makes you look Poor then you actually are like it's weird. It's like you're you're overconfident You're a rich guy trying to look rich, but you're making yourself look like a poor guy trying to look rich

Say that again. I know I can't You know what I I want somebody to validate this all right Indian dudes not I'm talking Asians. Yeah. West Indian? Yeah, Asian Indians. They're racial pedants. Actual Indians, yes.

Shamanan type Indians. Shamanan Ding Dong, yes. What about them? You just want to talk about them? No. What about the validate the fact that they exist? Let's just go around the room. What do you think of them go? Everybody just do their They are the most prideful mother fuckers. I mean they will not back it down

I mean the cabbies. Oh, okay. These little guys, they're little dudes. There's no muscle on their fucking arms. They're four fucking two. And I've gotten in a lot of, towards the end of the pregnancy, I was very fucking stressed out. And I was fighting with motherfuckers, where I'd be sitting there with my pregnant wife

and I'd hail a cab, and the guy would have his light on. And I'm like, he wouldn't let us in. No, no, fuck you. Turn your fucking light off. Oh, fuck you. They would come right back at you. They do not, they're not afraid of anybody. They don't give a shit how small, how big you are. They will fight you. They're also not afraid to drop the N word at the drop of a hat.

Oh, yeah. I've been in many cabs where some guys screaming out the window, just letting it rip and I was like, oh my. This guy told me to go fuck my sister. letting it rip and I was like, oh my. This guy told me to go fuck my sister and I went, I don't have a sister. I do have a sister but I didn't want him to know that. You want to win. Don't give him the hand up. Those guys are on guard for, they, what, were 12 hour shifts where they're dealing with

people that hit them all day and they're not having, no, they're, it's not that. It's where they come from. No, it's, it's where they all day. It's not that I think no there. It's not that it's where they come from No, it's that it's where they grew up, dude You can they they're fucking pushed around look dude. There's a billion of them over there Okay, they're pushed around and fucked with with each other and other, you know, they're culture They're they don't give a fuck you you have to survive over there You understand what I'm saying? It's like babies beating each other up for vaccines. Yeah, it's from the beginning. You know, they come over here and it's like,

fuck you. Fuck. I got 19 people at my house soon. I got one cereal bowl. And I, yeah, working that late, but also I'm sending half of this money back to my fucking family back there I haven't seen my kids in probably seven years. I talked to them for 12 hours on the phone while I'm trying to do around that Yeah, see do you even know if they're yelling at you or the young, the people they're talking to on their Bluetooth? It, I'm telling you, yeah, I am, I'm, I'm, I've gotten to fights with three of them three Indian dudes in the last month Are we just validating that they're tough and kind of despicable people?

They're not tough. I never said they're tough. I'll fucking knock them out. I'll fucking club around the fucking head. I'm not saying that. I don't know that either. I don't know if they're tough, but I've never, what shocked me is if I say,

if you see it doing, you go, I'll fuck you, I'll fucking shut the fuck up. The guy usually, I, I'll fuck you, I'll fucking shut the fuck up. The guy usually, I'll know, hey man, I'm gonna shut the fuck up. Right. You know what I mean? I know this guy's gonna fuck her for me. This guy's a big dude from Brooklyn, I'm all set.

I'm good, I'm gonna, hey you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna shut my face right now. I'm gonna go tell a couple dick jokes and make it home to my wife on time. Cause we have fudgeicles. Right. And I want a fudgeicle tonight. They don't have Fudgeicles in India. That's why they're

also they don't have Fudgeicles when you get your jaw fucking smash. They have to suck it through a straw. But not so bad. But um, these guys don't I in the middle of the eye like fuck you you fuck you fuck you too. Like they don't I'm looking at like wow this cock suck is

ballsy. Like you're five feet too. I will knock you the I'm like, wow, this cock suck is balsy. Like you're five feet, too. I will knock you the, I'm looking at your arm right now. Your little hand, you could hit me seven times with that little hand. I will fucking kill you. But you're such a balsy motherfucker, you don't give a shit. You just told me to go fuck my sister.

It is a fucking crazy job though, when you think about it, like you think about how stressed you are trying to get from one place to another during the day Yeah, imagine just doing that all day Well like you're just all you're doing all day is that active like I got to get there I got to get there. I got to get there like I don't know Ben Bailey never seen that trust Binging I just had to get I don't I think it's I get that but here's what it is these guys This is what I hate about them. This is when I hate when they're racist when they profile me

You hate about Indian people is Yeah, my racism lies within here's the worst fucking thing about black people man They hate white people. That's what's really fun if you said niggas, but people man they hate white people that's what's really fun if you said niggers but Look at all you guys I just love hate I love I love hating An ethnicity because you're absolutely right. It's a fucking stupid thing to say, but it's true is that they they see me I see them kind of bend down underneath the the rear view mirror to look and then they fucking pass me by And I'm like Well, what are they what are then they fucking pass me by and I'm like

Look at me it's I'm going somewhere. They don't want to go I'm gonna fucking eat the cab. I don't know. I'm just saying like I know Did they just get their suspension worked on and they don't want to fucking blow it out? Michael Joe turn about what a fat job and they don't want to fucking blow it out with it. Michael, Joe, turn. About what? A fat joke. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. You think it's bad karma that's gonna happen to you? I just don't see the point. Oh, you see the point. I'll do yours. He walked by the mirror this morning. Oh, that's fucking, you know what? Oh, at least theirs had some fucking,

that was just real. Oh, no, come on. You have no points on your body, so he's saying. First of all, you just had a kid. I I mean you didn't have the kid, but you know It's coming back hang on if you're gonna say I can't make fat jokes because I'm also fat That's not loud. I'm gonna say justice fat you shut your face You've been fat a longer than me. I I've not had any skinny since I've gotten fat You've gone you've kind of rubber banded back you're saying you're better than me because you're consistent exactly I keep it

But what do you wait at this age? Do you kind of just go? I got a kid I'm married now. What's the point? I mean you do the health thing like I'm not mentioned listen I'm not meant to be shredded anymore, but I'm not meant to be big. No. No. It's just not in my it's not in my bones Some people who are big, you know, that's they're meant to be big. It's just as big people. I'm not meant to be big. This is a addiction. This is, you know, I'm not fucking things. I'm not smoking shit. I'm dealing with life, but when I don't deal, I stuff my face. You know, it's just sad, but that's, I actually cracked the Overed Is Anonymous book. I took it off the shelf the other day, because I was like, you know, I had my kid in bed.

Okay, this little precious 7 pound something else I forget. He gained a pound pound the last two weeks I'm good and he's gained two inches. He's grown two inches in the last two weeks So I'm sitting there with him in bed and then you know I'm in the middle of my king size California king five inch pillow top Terry cloth You know beautiful bed that I have TJ Maxx. Can you know? Without trying the brag about we get a big thing bad, know? You're not trying to break a bit and we get a big thing bad, right?

You're just... I go to your tip top about me, your tip top. I go to get out of it and I literally, I'm going to have to kill this kid to get out of this bed or I'm going to have to ask for help.

Do you understand? Honestly, God, it was the puzzle I couldn't solve the puzzle on how to roll, like hold this kid without snapping its neck. Well, I had, I mean, they're gonna ask for help from my wife, which I didn't wanna do, or lose weight, and be able to kind of scoot your cross. I like a dog with a dirty fucking asshole.

It was awful. I was like, almost passed, I was like, and he was like, it was just too bald. He was like almost passed. I was like And he was like It was just too bald. We's not even bald. It was just you know, and I had to go honey She had to come over it. I got him. I got him. I got him. You take him. You take him. I got him. I got him I got him. I got him. So I remember when I was Yeah, Morgan fucking let go of his head and it just snapped back. No, I didn't he flailed

Yeah, blame the kid I was all the I love that kid. blame the kid. Oh, come on. I got you kid of Mark Jacobs one Z. Yeah, you're gonna mark Jacob. That was nice. Very nice. Are you and Colin got very nice. I clothe. You guys did too. We got you. You guys the first you were the first one. Yeah, you're on town. I'll send him a couple fan cave. Yeah, well, his is I should say you that you guys the first you were the first one you're on town so I'll send him a couple fancafe yeah well his is I should say you what you wise yeah your wife I mean you're a good guy but you didn't go hey I never think of these things I work at a radio station Cleveland whenever something happened someone has a baby I'll say and she's like oh I'll send a present with

you tomorrow I'm like that's a good idea I mean look at that like I just is like they're gonna be mean because they're going to be tired. But yeah, we should give them something. There's nothing better to me to when you, when you're wife, like, when she kicked into mommy mode. My God, it was like the other night, not last night the night before, the baby started crying. She gets up, grabs the kid, brings him boom, steps there, and I'm just like, you know, one eye open, like, you good?

Wait till she starts missing the kid, like, like, where's the kid going? My kid, someone's stealing my kid. No, no, no, I'm stealing your kid, but my kid my kid no no no one stealing your kid but my wife already like if we start talking about the kids moving out it starts off as a joke and then she starts crying because we can't she can't handle the idea of them not being yeah that's that's fucking crazy I mean my wife is when they my wife is gonna want another kid in her belly because she misses the there's a relationship a is gonna want another kid in their belly because she misses the

There's a relationship a woman has with the baby in the belly. It's a He's in little maxi's in here and then when maxi comes out There's a transition, but that that whole process of nine months That's this relationship that she had with this kid and she kind of walked around like a little proud big belly. That belly represented something to her like a real, and then when that, that relationship is over now and they craved, she craves that again.

Like women crave to be pregnant and to have a child inside of them. They love that feeling. My wife could have stayed pregnant she loved being pregnant that's crazy but she didn't have any morning sickness my wife was the same way she didn't have any of that stuff

yeah it's it's uh... i mean i'm done i'm i'm i'm definitely done really i think i'm done man i think i know that i have a little sister to play with or something like that no i'm not gonna have my way me play with we're going to say actually i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm dead now we don't talk No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, canales dedicados a películas, series, gremene, realities y contenido infantil. Blu-pati-vi, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. Yo no sé, pero ahora es como... ¿Qué es eso? ¿Qué es un chile? ¿Vamos a ser palos? ¿Vamos a ser palos?

No, no es tan chile. Yo no es chile, no es chile, no es que te hace sentir que es mejor. ¡Fuck, ay, vamos a tener un morecante! ¡Vamos a ser chiles por accidentes! ¡Tienes bien! I wasn't only child if that makes you feel any better. Yeah, fuck, I wouldn't have a love. I wouldn't have one more kid. I wish he gets jumped by accident. That's fine. Well, listen, we'll have a one more kid. This is Max Kelly. Maximus, Donlin Kelly.

Oh, man, he's got every play in front line for the Bruins or an MMA fight over the night. He's got Max Kelly. He's got Mitz, man. Does he? Well, her brother. And now it's slow, it looked like me when he came out. I said, gosh shit. I said, a now it's, it looked like me when he came out, right? Oh shit.

Ah shit, little Asian motherfucker, right? Little fucking Steven Segalai's with the slice. He had the bum chin, right? But all of a sudden, it's time to go over. He's looking like my wife and that's out of the family. He's got big mits, big fucking mits. He's got big feet. Um, he does, he's got big brother.

He does, he does. Yeah, long toes, long fingers. I think I was looking and comparing. Yeah, He's got big feet. Does she got big brother? He does, he does. How long toes long think? Cause I think I was looking and comparing. Yeah, he's got, her brother's a big, all over six something. Like, oh wow. They were all working prisons. This, you know, so.

Yeah, that's what I talked to the doctor. He asked, he said, I was like, listen, can you tell me if he's gonna, is there an equation you can do at some point where you can tell me if he's gonna be tall? She's like, there is, but I don't like doing it because of, you know, I mean, it could happen. It might not blow up a block.

She's like, why? I'm like, I wanna know if I need to fucking have some boys around when this kid's 15 and, you know, he's, be home at 11. Why? Fucking because if you want to be home at 12, you come home at 12 if that's a tune You know what I mean?

Shines that lives in your house worst day your life is a father when you're fucking sonki when you know your son knows That he can take you I can't take my dad really no fucking way fuck you. I'm serious I'll pay a thousand dollars to see this fight my dad with Romeo beaten really 65 years old And he's from Beirige Brooklyn and he still doesn't have that thing, though, let's him know, you're getting older. Doesn't do it. I mean, he might physically get hurt, because I'm a little bigger than he is, but he'll go down, swing him.

You don't think you give take your dad? I'll put a thousand dollars on you. Back then again, I've never had that thing with my dad, where I gotta beat him up. My younger brother is a Navy pilot, that's his thing. Like, he likes to mess up my dad's hair. He's a Navy what? Navy pilot.

Actual flies planes, what kind of planes? The C-130. No shit. That's the plane I was in in Iraq. That's what we spent most of it. Those are huge. I might have dropped you off. I mean, I remember the fun of the Colin Quinn story

of this cock sucker. We're on this big C-130 one of the huge Huge hundreds of troops tanks. What are the fucking driver right in the back? It's me calling a couple Marines and Steve burn and the USO lady So she she doesn't like me that much. She loves Steve because why not? Yeah, fucking Steve burners, you know Irish Asian. Hey, you know, Irish, Asian, hey, you know, everybody loves Steve Bern. Yeah, yeah, cock suck.

I definitely charisma. Yeah. But it's fake. He's a serial killer. He's a fucking serial killer. He's got his jaw wide shut by a cabbie. Yeah, I know. I heard.

Yeah. You just call it? Yeah, he fucking, they were taunting a cabbie. And he would guess the cabbie was smoking. And he was like, oh, in a minute, then a minute. And they were like, you know, really, we're gonna have to wait and this guy just suck a punch, Steve, broke his jaw.

Holy shit. Why are you wired shut for six weeks? They just stopped production. Yeah, stopped production on his show. It's crazy. It's all in sun. Yeah. I did that terrible, terrible prank reality show

and Steve was one of the cast members, the real wedding crashers. Oh my god. I was the bit writer on that thing because Ashton because I did punked and Ashton was like yeah when she come back in the work, I was in terrible first. Wasn't Patrice and Voss on that too right? Garth Reynolds and Ben Gleib. Ben Gleib holy shit. It was a time he was on NBC and they're like oh it's gonna be huge'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm you don't care about your wedding or us and we're not staying and they would storm out. Yeah, it was awful. Yeah, it was terrible.

It was the worst idea. I was like, Jesus Christ, this is so filial, too. And it made me feel shitty. I'm like, he's ruined like a moment. Because I know how hard it is for a guy to get to the point where you eliminate all your bullshit to look at a woman and go, I want you to be with me for the rest of my, I'm not gonna fuck anything else. And just want to love you and start a fan. That's a moment in life

And you get there and fucking to see rich boss drooling at a podium Okay, okay, wait what are you gonna do with the cake? Why are you? I have a piece So Steve yeah anyways, I'm, Steve got his job busted. No, before that, what was I talking about? Before that, before Steve. You were so lady didn't like him, right? Oh, we're on this fucking C-130.

And the lady comes up and she goes, Steve, would you like to go up front? To go up front with the pilots, with where your brother sits? It's fucking amazing. You're flying over a war zone in a C-130 at night, like right when the sun was setting out of Fallujah. You know what I mean? I'm back there by myself with a Marine, just me and him.

Just an empty fucking huge cargo plane, me, and she grabs Colin of course, and there up front, getting the VIP tour. Why didn't she like you? Me. I take full responsibility. Now the second half of the story comes out. I call it. No, I'm going to quiet taste. I get it. So then all of a sudden these red lights go off. Stand the jump. No, like, hey, wow, Look at that man, the sun's coming through the window and the dude goes, that's not the sun. Those are the flares.

Somebody just shut a rocket at the plane. And the thing starts dipping and, you know, and I'm like, what the fuck? Look, I'm like, could you show someone through? Could you, why wouldn't you tap me and say, dude, do what you do because this might be the end of what you do. He was just sitting there like I had to ask him. Like, this is the son.

What would you do like get out of final tap dance? I would have I would have fucking said this or any prayer or forget. Well, this is calling it call told me he's in the front. He goes, hey, go, Steve, you know, the only good part about this if we go down is that Bobby's alone in the back and he didn't get the VIP tour. You're up front. That's where his sick head is at.

Mr. Brightside. We might be going down, and he's just happy that I got rejected, and I'm alone in the back. I'm going to die alone, but these two fucking phonies are up front. What a cock sucker. Those C-130s are huge. There's the Hercules that are bigger than that. And then the C-130s. Yeah, I wonder what the fuck man, all the shit we had over there, where'd it go?

They must just leave it, right? I mean, it's just cost too much money to fly all that shit back. No, they bring it all back. You know that for a fact? Really? Okay. When they were starting to do the troop, you know, pull back it all back. You know that for a fact? Really? Yeah. Okay.

When they were starting to do the troop pullback and all that stuff, they were loading up parts of camps and flying it back. You don't sound, I mean you sound like you're making this up. True story? True story? That's what my brother told me. Does he want to stay in the military as he want to go be like a commercial pilot? He's done.

He's out in July. Yeah, this is it. That's nice. That's nice. That's great. I'm sure he's got two little kids now, and they keep shipping them all over the place. So he's just like, once I don't have to do this,

I'm out. And he went to the Academy, too. So he knows how to fly. Yeah. So he can go fly. No, he's doing like, he's going to, he's done. He's done flying plants. Yeah, he's seen it.

He's seen enough. But he's not going to go fly for an airline? No, I just got an itch in my ear. Oh my god. Maybe like an instructor or something like that. No, it's gonna go different line of work. Yeah, it's gonna get like, he's got a job lined up. As a what?

You know, it's a tough one for a business. The financial thing. Really, in the financial thing. Why, you make it sound so intelligent. He is, I mean, what's the economy? Like, being his older brother is a fucking pain in the ass. Because he's better. John just got out of the academy.

How'd you do that? Ah, I know. That's just fucking just fucking weird man you had this job a couple years ago two years ago right you this was a great job and then they fucking what happened what dude that was I understand right and every the grass is always greener yes I mean you book of you know you bookish television show right it's what you always wanted until you start doing it and then you realize holy shit right so pain in the ass because I got to do it. Well, it was just, it wasn't what I, you know, because it was pilot season LA and I just completely bombed a test and I got home

and my buddies like, hey, you should try out for this MLB thing. So as I got it, fuck it. And I did it and ended up getting the job and had no idea what it was. Like, they just, they kind of wouldn't tell me. They're like, you're gonna watch games and host the show that's kind of on TV, but it's on the web. I was like, oh, it sounds great. Now I get to move back to New York and the whole thing. So I did that and I wanted to kind of push it because I was up for SNL and this is kind of my thing.

You were up for SNL? Yeah, the year that Billy and Andy got it. No shit. So that was like my thing and I thought I was gonna be able to kind of swing that and do sketches and have comedians on like me and Bobby Who was friends with Frosty like I will get Bobby Kelly and we'll get Florentine and we got like Godfrey and we got Billy Burn and I was like this is what I want it to be like showing that like wise guys still watch you know baseball And shit right and everything I would do like I'd write a sketch and it wasn't like working for a studio

Where they just give you one note and you go fix it and then you could air it. It would have, it's a corporation so it would have to go from like different owners would have to approve it if it had their players in it by the time I got it back. It wasn't relevant and I'd be like, well I'm not going to, we can't shoot it now. It's no point. Yeah. And I'm there at eight. And if the West Coast wraps up the games at four in the morning, I go home and I got to be back at eight. Every single day. Did you ever just stay? No. I wanted to get the hell out of there. You know, it was the same four walls staring back at me all day. Seven days away, right? Yeah. Every single day. Did you ever just stay? No, I wanted to get the hell out of it. The same four walls staring back at me. Seven days away, right?

Yeah, every single day. Every fucking day. And then they flew me the All-Star game, which was great. I got to meet Reggie Jackson on that shit, and then got on a plane that came back, and I was at work the next day. So I didn't get it day off. Did you go to the World Series? Yeah, I went to every single game.

That was actually pretty cool, because it was a seven game cardinals rangers, and it was pretty exciting. All right, do you have VIPs? No, that? Yeah, I mean, it was cool, working for baseball, but it was also frustrating as hell. And like, I don't know. Can I ask you, I want to ask this question.

This was always kind of fucks me up about this business, is that you get a gig, and you create this serigate family. These people become your brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and aunts and uncles. And you truly legitimately give a shit about each other and you care. And then it ends. And then you don't talk to them like it's just gone. It's bizarre. And you'll see them on something else or somewhere else.

Like you won't know, you met all these baseball yeah and i stay i'm friends with some of them right you know it's hard to keep in touch with all these guys you know they're coming for a day and they're gone i say you know friends with couple of yankies and you know that kind of thing but even like i mean when you were on but i mean you are one of the only people i stayed in touch with some kind of right i think i tweeted you a couple times it's's kind of sad. Like these close, I mean really close, I just gone one day. It's fucking gone. And that's why I try to tell my wife,

the units in, we compartmentalize these relationships. And we have, I have a New York family the comedy seller, you know These people that I know you know when I go to Cleveland Squire you're my Cleveland family and it's also when you work the road and say you're working with something that you've never worked with before You guys become friends for four days and then it's dead and you're like we got to stay in touch and we got to do all these things You know what I compare to that's it and that's it in You're gonna make fun of me, but I just went to surf camp in Costa Rica. Why would you go to surfs can't be fucking loser? The coolest fucking I'm so beginning to make fun of me. No, but I just went I went I went you know

Just for a week by myself and I ended up just who would go with you? Because it's stank, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't surf, but that sounds fucking right. It was amazing, and it was a man, like my goal for my two months at off of work was to learn how to surf. So I went to Mexico. I'm pretty good.

I was talking about, by the way, when I say effort, effortlessly, I can't say it, effortlessly, her life, she does things. Like she just does shit, and she'll come back, I went to surf, what the fuck, man? It was fun, it was fun, but I met all these people, I met a pilot, I met a biologist, I met a dance teacher, all these people that I thought, if you told me before I went,

that I would be talking to them, I'd be like, bullshit, I'm not gonna like anybody. But you're in a van with someone for two hours driving to go like, zip line through a jungle, and you just start chatting, you're like, I like these people, and you start talking and making plans for next summer and stuff, and I'm like, I don't know if I'm ever gonna see them again,

but we made plans. That's the whole thing, it's summer camp syndrome, like when you go away to camp, and you meet these friends, and you'd meet these friends and You didn't want like that like at the beginning of the week You're like, oh, this is kind of weird and then by the time it gets to the Saturday or Sunday when you have to go home You're like, I can't live without these people in my life and then you write them one letter and I guess good I'll tell you what is ready. You know what it is. It's the fucking line syndrome It's when you you have you have have a waiting line for like a iPhone

Yeah, you're in line. Okay. There's a fucking huge line five o'clock in the morning San Francisco the iPhone three comes out I could got I could get it I have connections But I go I want to go wait in a line. I want to go see what that is. Yeah, so I go to an 18th store And I get into this line around mid through the line and it's five in the morning and then it becomes five 15 530 and the sun comes up and slowly you start to talk to the dude in front of you and then the dude behind and then the two and you guys become all of a sudden you're making each other laugh and you're fucking I mean you're talking about this and times going by and oh my god and you kill and make it fun of this guy

and when we start talking about serious issues and you're fucking really good friends by eight o'clock but then when I stepped up to the line they went next I'll see you next talking to you and I went to my fucking phone I got the last iPhone black and I held it up to the window of them I went this is the only one motherfuckers the last one Fucking left and I've never seen those guns again and I don't even care Was what it it's all about that one experience. That's it's fun I's fucking crazy and I try to explain that to my wife You know, I you can't have that in a relationship with a, you can't have that in a relationship with a woman.

You can't have that in a relationship with a baby. You know, you have to be present. You have to be present. And you can't, like, I mean, some people do. Well, it's true. I had to learn, I don't know if they call them anchors. I had to, with moments with my wife that I would really give a shit about her,

I really feel what I feel for her. I would, at that moment, go remember this, keep this. Hold on, so when I'm on the road, and I disconnect, because I get anxiety, and I got to fly, and I get, I get, and who the fuck's the middle-air, and how much, and how's the crowd. And I start to disconnect to fucking, you know, man, I'm gonna, let's fucking do this. I can hold on to fucking, you know, man, I'm gonna look fucking do this.

I can hold onto that and be like, ah, my fucking wife. The good thing to help me too is FaceTiming. Phone calls stink. Yeah, hey, what's up? What's up with you? None, what are you doing? I'm watching TV show.

All right, I'll talk to you later. I'll be fucking goodbye. I don't give a fuck, there's no connection, whatever. But if I'm looking at my wife's dumb face, I just something about it that I would start laughing and it keeps the connection going, but I can really just cut somebody off. I mean, people don't get it.

Like, I won't talk to, mwah, we won't talk for two months. Sure. We didn't talk for four years. Four five, like, and that's fine. And it hurt, though, that hurt. I did actually fight for you. I hit you up for work a few times

and I didn't get anything back, so. Oh, no, that wasn't it. I know, I know. That was it. I just don't think you're funny enough to be on a show than a mod. And we'll know that's it. You don't like to follow the heat, that's what it is. No, I actually like the heat.

I follow you in the horrible way. That's got to be it. It's actually heat. I bring the heat. It's just heat because you're big too, there's a lot of hotness up there I would have I have chicken in the microphone you can see I view what was last time with the Cleveland mo I don't know if I've ever been to Cleveland You know I was there in the warp tour in 2010 the what?

What's that punk rock? I've played in a band for a long what band were you and the mighty Regis? It was a Celtic punk rock band at LA. I don't I don't like the hottest FF in that one. Oh, yeah, that it's down in the flats and it's just this one. I don't like about the bakes I don't like about you me. Yeah, you what I do I'll tell you I don't like that you have Fuck it. I like that you're looking at me. Well, I'm talking like what I do Yeah, that's a Boston thing. When you fucking, when you talking, and then tell me, tell me, tell you something. Look at the other guy. Let me tell you something, I don't like about you.

You fucking, then you give a little. What's that? The fact that you're slowly revealing how interesting you are on the show. You're, yeah, punk rock. A Celtic punk rock band back in there. I was gonna say that's kind of a row for punk rock.

That's a little bit wrapped in an insult, I like that. That's fucking insane, man. What the fuck what I didn't know you're in a punk You up for SNL you dropped that in like it was no big. I didn't get fighting get it you don't walk around saying yeah I was up for it. I know for it again. No, I was a for a writing two years ago. Why not that? Fucking too old among the other side of fucking 35 Well, if you keep announcing it on fucking podcasts, yeah, maybe people will agree with that, but nobody needs to know that.

Darryl Hamlin was like, 48 when he got on that show. That's true. So, I mean, my managers and agents don't seem to like. All right, let's hustle. Well, here's a deal. Here's a deal. You gotta have two original characters,

and three impressions. Yeah, I did. I wanna hear characters and three impressions. I wanna hear one of the impressions. The ones I did on SNLs. Yeah, I did the Sandler. Okay, let's go. Okay, in the 2000s. I'm gonna be Lauren Michaels, ready?

Hello, Michael. Oh, do evil. Go ahead with your impressions. You really want me to do Sandler's? that i would love you to do your impressions make whatever they are i know everybody i'm saying i see uh... that's beyond the old bobby kai here uh...

ccccc that's what i'm gonna do you do it and then i have to write it out but i can't look like it so i think i'm a second well i know okay what's number two? I'll do own Wilson for you. I don't like I don't know Man wouldn't our history together makes you think I'm capable of doing something like that is wild

Yes, yes Very good. I think I wasn't number three really have any more. Well, you should Because of the life right twice some of Tomas goes something today with the raisin dancing you should tell never did That's an old triple my head my head. I woke a long time my hand. He hits it. It's my head It's one of my favorite. I don't give a fuck I love that fucking stuff And I wish Travolta was more exciting to do now than he was funny then. You should do him getting a massage by a guy. He touched my balls. I work very hard on my sack and then you touch it and I like it but then you scream you tell everybody and you ruin it. Then I just like I do weird ones like I'm been working for the for the

act now. I do bane from Batman. I'll do let me hear it. And like people like geek out over that shit like they really. What is it? Let me hear it. And like people like geek out over that shit like they really let me hear it. Perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot from that before pushing him out of Britain. That sounds like an English guy. That's what he does. Yeah, but you gotta do the cop here. Oh and Ken, I wasn't, I put on the mask. I can't hear you. Don't cover the microphone. That's rule number one that I teach comedians. Don't cover the microphone But that's a few mad things. No, I'm just I don't know what he sounds like. He's scary Alright, so what would be the original character? You have to have an original. What was your? I did a I would think that's the hardest thing and can I just tell you I've auditioned right for?

I don't know if it was SNL. It was for, I think I might have been mad TV. I did that one. I auditioned for that and I had, I remember, this is one of your fucked up story. My friend, Al Dumbani, who is in LA now, he's got a couple of kids. I did a play, this was before Jay Moore. I didn't even know Jay Moore, okay?

This is when I was in Boston and I did a play for dogs and a bone. And one of the guys in the play did a Christopher Walken. This is before Jay Moore. I don't even know who fucking Jay Moore is. So I don't wanna hear, dude, fucking, I don't care, fuck you. Here's the information you need, so you don't have to fucking tell me about, I get it.

And this guy did this Christopher Walken and they he taught me how to do it Yeah, and I look I'm not saying that I was the best man. I Forget I even forget how to do it right but I did it I practiced it and that my friend Al was I did it so much that he was like dude stop fucking doing Christopher walkin Why and I was like I don, I can't, it's addictive, right? And he got mad at me where he was like, you're a fucking asshole. And I felt bad, I stopped doin' it.

It felt like a week. Then we go on the audition. He goes in before me. And does fucking walkin'. I go in after, she goes, all right, three characters, I go, all right, this is Christopher Walkin'. Oh, I'll just did a really good one too. Let's hear yours.

I went, that motherfucker. That came out of my mouth. Oh, I'll just did a really good one too. Let's hear yours. I went that motherfucker. That came out of my mouth. Oh, so mad. What, he was in there going, ah, great. And he did it way better than me too. He did it way better than me. And he was, he, what a fucking piece of shit. He got a call back.

I didn't. For mad. Fuck fucking sucker. And then he added it into his act he would do Christopher what Christopher and the what the child the fucking chocolate factory Charlie you one the unbelimpers the the the river you lose you lose I will the way people it stirred impressions into their into their bits like that's what they try to make it like natural and it's just so

unnatural. Oh, let's not get carried away. Mike does impressions. Yeah, before you have to fuck it up. I don't mind impressions. I don't give a shit. No, I don't mind him. I just like there are guys that are like the wet the wedging of the impression like how the impression is going to be presented in the act is always important. I was doing this bit about how I snore so I have to wear my wife was a nurse and she wants to make it one of those those things. The masks. Yeah. And I was like there's only one way to make that look cool and it was like putting it on and then just talking like banal. Right. Yeah. That's a great way. I put the ban in there, but like people that's oh yeah, yeah, you know what fuck both is listen like they you if I did if I had to do an audition for something like that these things haven't happened to me but I would just have to go do you know

Chris Christie Chas Bono and John Goodman and I can't sound like them I just look like them like that's all all my all my impressions are looks based, not voices. It's so funny the way you to get these, I mean Colin Quinn was on SNL. He does one impression, Colin Quinn, and then he can look like the Queen of England. That's it, that's all he has. You put a wig on him, he looks like every father we've've ever had but you just need those guys to fill the rolls like if I I would just follow through tables that would be my job it's fucking funny I mean I I think you still try out for what are you gonna do now you're back in New York yeah you don't come back thing that's pretty much what I did you just trying to get a

gig again are you writing something yeah what are you writing like a movie script? No, like you're writing a movie script. Yeah, well, I fit just this one Yeah, really are you gonna write a TV script? What do you mean? I apparently I need one just lose something. I'll tell you what I've learned I don't know if I could be a right. I don't know if I'm the only thing happened in my career The only thing the only time something happened in my career that felt good was when I wrote a script with my friends and produced it ourselves and then someone gonna hold of it and all kinds of crazy shit happened. You know what I mean?

The only way that you can actually make something happen if you are not a star, there's some guys that are stars. And I'm not talking any Murphy. There's some guys that just They have something else if you're not that guy if you have to create it You have to create it and you have to keep creating it because most of it's gonna be rejected Yeah, most of it's gonna be thrown away like shit that you're gonna be like this is it. Yeah, no. Yeah, oh yeah No, oh yeah, yeah, no. Oh yeah, yeah, no. Oh, we definitely gonna do, nah.

I mean, it's gonna happen. It's just gonna, you just gotta keep doing it and keep doing it. I mean, I wish I'd get so jealous of these guys that just team up and write shit together. I'd, like me, Billy and Joe was sitting there going, why are we not doing shit together? I think where the funniest guys we know,

we make each other laugh all the time. Why don't we just doing shit together? I think where the funniest guys we know, we make each other laugh all the time. Why don't we just write something together like every other asshole is doing? I mean, Adam Sandler just gets his friends to write shit with them, or for him and they collaborate. All those fucking Nimrods, Seth and Rogan, fucking whoever the fuck.

Did you see this is the end? All those guys, same shit, no. Same shit. It's the same shit. It's like you just get together with your friends and right shit and keep doing it. And then shit happens. And we did it and shit happened and then Billy became famous and fucking killed it because he doesn't need us anymore.

Fucking cocksucker is huge. Billion, I got into it. He called into the radio show that I'm on. I asked him about the Jim Norton thing that happened on the totally biased. I was just, you know, I wasn't, but he's controversial. I wasn't even being controversial. I just asked him, like, did you see this thing with Norton? Because I'm like, do you know when Norton and the rape joke and he's like. I wasn't even being controversial. I just asked him, did you see this thing with Norton? Cause I'm like,

do you know Norton? And the rape joke and he's like, ah, just like, it was really, oddly mean to me. What do you say? It's just, you know, it's his tone.

It's not that he was being mean. Dude, he's my roommate for three years. I know Billy's town. Yeah. Yeah. You're the guy who fucking told this guy, the type of, is what you do is fucking this and then you do that

And I'm gonna swap shows to fall into it, but I'm not gonna and that's gonna piss you off and everybody's gonna be I would have a fucking dude. How's the red sucks doing. Let's move on. What do we got exactly? Yeah, I've lived with them for three years, dude. I get it. It was uh, but uh He's the guy goes dead. He used to make me laugh so hard. He'd do me in all different scenarios Bobby And a whole Bobby and a haunted house It's Bobby Bobby Bobby in the grand canyon Bobby fall off a cliff Bobby fall off a cliff. DOOOOO!

He would do all kinds of dude and he called me up and sings all these but in dude with dude. I got some of them, I got to play some of these fucking things. He makes me laugh. He really is but he's a guy. He's fucking amazing and that's what I was just trying to set him up to say these things that I knew he was just trying to set him up to say these things that I knew He was going to say yeah, but he kind of focused them at me and I was caught off guard by it

But I'm like yeah, I'm not near side man like I'm I agree with these things Well, you never know and you call him to a radio show. Yeah Well, call on a radio shows you never fucking know what you're gonna get and you look man I've done radio shows where they're like yeah, put them in another put them in that room I'm literally in an opposite room like I like, yeah, put them in that room. I'm literally in an opposite room. Like I'm looking through glass at them in the other room. And I'm like, and there's a chair.

It's like, why? What the, it's like, what, you know, what did I do? Was it O and A? Am I on, did they not like me because it's something, a dain or the group I hang out? And it's like, oh, fuck me, man. I don't get it. I mean, radios, you guys are fun though, you guys are good guys.

Yeah, we have a good time, we have pretty low pressure situation. What's a radio station again? Uh, WMS. And Cleveland is fucking awesome by the way. It's doing real good right now. I hated Cleveland. Every time I went there, I mean suicidal. I've been there.

I remember, oh, I cut the flu. The second time I went to Cleveland, and I just thought it was just Cleveland. That's like, that's the way you feel in Cleveland. Let's get the flu, please. Like, I felt immediately better when I got on the plane. Like, the flu symptoms were gone, and it was just Cleveland.

I fucking hated Cleveland. I know. I know. I know. I know, but like, I'm not saying, he's like, Marshall fucking law, that, right? Yeah, it was. I'm not saying he's like Marshall fucking law that right. Yeah, I tweeted an article about him that I read from Chale Sonnen who is an MMA fighter. That was hilarious. You read it? Yeah. Okay, and this is so fucking true. How is that UFC?

When Chale fought Silva the second time. I was second row and front of me these just these bimbo's LeBron was over to the left with all those fucking, you know friends We're in a stupid nerd glasses cuz yeah, you're a nerd go fuck you're not a nerd You're not a fucking nerd just because you play Xbox motherfucker doesn't make you know FTP Space you know how to fucking jailbreak an iPhone from the iPhone go fuck yourself Stop claiming nerd your nine feet tall Multi-millionaire you get tattoos up the fucking asshole you have people around you do all you shit You know how to fucking answer your phone your cock sucker and you throw on some nerd glad and all of a sudden you're a hipster go fuck yourself Make your own fucking yeah make your own website, Photoshop something motherfucker.

You're gonna challenge the brand of Photoshop so maybe this one's fake. I'm gonna do that, sir. Fucking hate him. Don't claim nerd. So this kid is, that's his whole thing. Like I'm just the fuck. Let's all do that.

They all do that, they all do that. That's the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm having because of the dress code. They couldn't dress like thugs anymore, so they went the other way. I like the baguetteers thugs. We see know what you're getting. I don't like this fucking decennial. The cock sucker. He dresses like he's clock can't like he's going to be the nicest guy in the

world with glasses. And he's really just a douche with tattoos. He fucking this whole article. Anyways, I i have people scouting him to do his twelve i don't know he's you know what i don't give a few should be nicer he does he does a few out of these being as nice as he knows how to be people are fucking defending lebron james right fuck lebron james so he's at the thing these three hot broads are in the front that don't care about the fights they don't even know who the fuck is fighting. They don't know what a fucking Camoraz They don't know what a a single leg take down means or how to do it

They don't know what the fuck's going on, but they're in the front row because they're pot fucking brods That's it that you claim to fucking fame. That's how you got the tickets I got the tickets. I got the ticket, you know how? One of my friends worked really hard at comedy and became funny and he got tickets for him and he had an extra one for me. That's how I worked.

I was thinking. I'm just a fat friend. So. You're the same as I got. I'm the same as you girls except bless. All right, listen, so these are pretty fuckless. But listen, I don't got a problem with the girls. I really don't. I get it. I didn't have a problem.

I get it. You get those seats. Good feel. You're on your phone. Wow. I just tapped a guy out and you're on your phone tweeting about your fucking tits. Okay, good for you. By the way, my least favorite thing about boxing too. You know, like I'm a boxing fan and I see that all the time watching every fight like when you see those checks in the audience it's infuriating it's infuriating and then they got free tickets because of some dildo who's trying to stick as dick in them yeah and and all these famous people are in the front row and

that you can see them perk up and And is he looking? Is he coming? And I hear them talking. They're trying to get, they're trying to hook up with these guys. Because they're gonna get money. It's money. It's stature. And I can hear their little,

mini, little, plants, but good. Do you think, if that's what you got to work with, I got dick jokes. You got a fucking badge. Good for you.

LeBron comes over and they're like, can we have a picture? Absolutely, gets in the pitch. They're like, can you please? Absolutely, I take the picture and I take two and he's really nice and I'm like, wow, he's a nice guy. I go, hey man, will you take one? You take him with the hot chicks,

will you take him with the bald fat guy? And he went, look me up and down, gave me a fuck you face and walked away. What? It's like I was self-deprecating! I made it easy for you! I self-deprecated myself. I caught myself the fat bald guy.

I made it okay, like I'm handicapped. Like I'm disabled. I can't. And he walked the fuck away and I was like, what the fuckin'? I almost went, fuck you, you fucking cock sucker. You piece of shit. I just took a photo of you in three hop. I should have thrown the fucking phone.

I should have cut his fat fucking head off. Why do you want a picture with him? In the photo, not in life. Not crazy. I got it. But why did you want to picture with in the photo not in life? Not crazy. I got something like that. What? But why did you want to picture with him? I don't you I didn't I just did because I'm a fucking Manass hall I'm a regular Joe a faint LeBron James Can I even two with the fat guy? I that's where I brought up. I have low self-esteem What do you want me to do? I had three fathers? I don't know what to do. No one ever told me how to fucking act

I'm go I'm winging it. I'm 42 when I'm winging it. I'm winging how to fucking be Okay, I'm sorry my kid won't have that. I'm gonna tell him what to fuck to do But I've been winging it. I'm sorry for my whole life and the he's there and the girls and he's fang Hey, can I have one? I don't know I like to think that LeBron Has like in his head. He's like I've never turned out a picture But this one time this fat guy wanted a picture and he remembers you, and that's even more.

Well, here's the story. Chale Sun and wrote this article today, yesterday actually, that he is a big piece of shit. And he is a fake nerd, and he called them out for being a fake. I'm just trying to use a nerd, like that makes him cooler for some reason. When all he is is just a piece of shit

trying to get pussy, because that's all he did, didn't give a fuck about the fights. All he was trying to do was get boxed and take photos with hot bitches. And, Chale's son, and I love this guy called him the fuck out, calling him an asshole, just a piece of shit. And then he went backstage and said something to Chale's wife

about her boobs. Like, are you have tick-tacs in there or something like that like they invited this guy They gave him fucking VIP front row for him and probably 30 other of his fucking Entourage because you know he can't go anywhere alone. I'm a fucking man. I Fly alone man. I Sit alone man I fly alone man I sit alone I don't ask other men to take pictures with me I have problems I wear windbreakers on Chinook helicopter that was Steve I'm sorry he wears light jacket that's right you wear a light jacket. So this fucking guy, and he calls him out. He's like, he's just a piece of shit. And I was like, thank you, God, for another famous person, calling out another famous person

for being a hunk of garbage. And that caught, he just won another stupid title. Oh, yeah, fuck him, there you go. It's the best football player, doesn't mean he's a good person. Oh, as you can just hope for a nice fucking charge. Oh, hook up with one of those girls, my friend. Hook up. Get drunk. Have some a zail.

Get drunk. Get on your fucking... Oh, I just can't wait. I just can't wait. I can't wait for a nice TMZ LeBron James cut. And just an bloody mess. And just see like a white shirt that's ripped with scratches on his chest some girl crying Right, oh Him just being cuffed his glasses of fucking broken

Like one on one eye. Oh, there you go. You fucking you pimp you fucking nerd pimp You don't get the fuck pussy and be Jay Z and then be fucking Aziz Ansari. You don't get both. You choose. You either learn how to fucking program a computer. Okay, and you play Zelda or you fuck chicks. Not both. I apologize for my rant. No, no, don't apologize. That was amazing. Ladies, I apologize, row.

I don't mean to flip out, but it really, you know what I'm saying? I've been holding into this since it happened. That was fucking last year, last summer, August, last summer. I went to the UFC and I had, and then finally it came out with somebody, you know, good as found, when somebody validates your instincts, when somebody's a piece of shit, and you have to go, maybe it's me, maybe I'm an asshole, and then you may, you know,

but then somebody goes, no, he's a piece of shit, and it's fucking out on the internet, I tweeted that, I'm gonna retweet that thing fucking every day for a year Read this you fucking hump Oh, I hope he gets fucking Herpes I hope he gets all kinds of dick disease. I hope he has a small prick What's up? I'm just thinking about you know He played for my team. He fucking left my city in just the shittiest way anyone's ever done anything like that

because he's just so, like he does not fucking understand. He did not think there was going to be any blowback from that. And that just shows how it was blowback. There was blowback. Two championships. I would have left that shit town too. The only way to leave that town is in the middle of the night without telling us all You don't want to get hit with a fucking pap blue ribbon on the way out when he wore the Yankee cap to a Cleveland game I was like we don't want you like don't take the fucking cap off. We're not fans like New York doesn't like fucking LeBron

Well anyways back to fucking Cleveland. I'm a big fan. I went on a food thing with Ramon. Ramon. I'm gonna have Ramon set up shows so they can come through and see what's going on. What's that? Ramon sets up all the show, like he does little indie shows that are fucking kick ass. This kid Ramon is a very interesting kid.

I don't think you were fucking having lunch with like the remaining members of the Ramon. So I was like, one rock and roll hall of fame. That's what Colin was, the gift Colin gave me was a Ramon shirt for the kid. That's awesome. A one Z for the kid. Yeah, you both got me very cool gifts for the kid.

I'm sending over the 801. I wrote a sketch a long time ago that I pitched for actually a human giant that is Z's on Sorry Show. Talking on the mic we can't hate. I pitched this show, this sketch where it never made it but i was a funny idea was just uh... a z's sitting next to her someone who ever was gonna be it's sitting next to a baby wearing a remote shirt and trying to have a conversation about the remote

that's a problem opposed uh... i don't think i ever shot that i don't know that's funny you know it's so funny that the the vine thing that is, you're on vine. Oh, yeah, barely. Barely, you're on vine? Yeah, I love vine.

Do you Instagram? Well, the Instagram one just came out. Yeah, a video. 15 seconds. I don't like it. And it's weird because when vine came out, it's like, what are this stupid six? What the fucking you do?

And then all of a sudden, you see people's creativity evolve. You're like, wow, we're fucking human beings are amazing. To the fact that we can take something that is like, this is impossible. LeBron James is a piece of shit. His vines are terrible. It's just white checks, fucking doing bumping dances. Fuck him.

That's working. I hope he can take it with a pocketbook. A pocketbook. The six seconds in all of a sudden, you see these people telling stories, hilarious little laughing hysterically, at a six second video. That's how crazy, creative, and insane the human brain is,

that these, and there are no buddies. These are people we would have never known about in show business. I'm coming from our angle from and all of a sudden I'm following these Ryan Dooms and this, this, you know, these whoever the fuck they are. Ryan's really funny on there. They're very funny and they can make these. The walls brothers are the.

Walls brothers are fucking. These guys are still. Those guys, they put on costumes and do, and like they, they put a lot of thought into these six seconds videos. And these guys are becoming famous off of the vine. I mean, it's all gonna end in around six months. That's shit last for six seconds, too. Who, what?

What app? Oh yeah, six seconds? No, we do three seconds now. It's called Dime. I, yeah, but Instagram has it now, which is 15 seconds. 15 seconds and 15 seconds feels like an eternity. It does, the only one that I like, the only one that should be 15 seconds is Norton's, when he's chips.

His chips are the funniest thing I hate chips guts. And the thing, the fact that I have to deal with my friend, I have to deal with different characters, like I have to talk to Chip, like he's Chip at my house, and furiates me that I have to go Chip, shut the fuck up, not in front of him. Like it's Jim, and I'm calling him Chip because he just will not stop doing Chip,

and then it'll be Uncle Paul, which I will not have around my kid, because he's a child molester. I go Jim, you can't do Uncle Paul at my house. Why not a baby sit for him? He's probably a tattletail. I love to change his diapers and play with the bubblegum. Are you fucking not, you're joking about fucking molesting your kid? Yeah, that's not going to happen. That's not gonna happen. Anywho, I've been pissed on this week.

I, this is my, I massage the shit out of my kid and I was very proud. And around. From his belly, like you do. I was moving, like bicycling his legs. And then I have a hot, I have the baby wipe warmer. So the baby wipes come out nice and warm, and I cleaned his butthole, and I was shh, at very softly, cleaned him, and he loosened his ass and his stomach, and shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, paid off, you know how to Yeah, I use my little thin pinky. You have to do the little table shower.

He's just like dad. He wants to be on all floors and milked from the back. And then have a pinky in your ass. He also likes it when you... And he pretends like he doesn't know what's going on every time. Well, this is happening. What? Are you a police? No, I'm a comedian. What's that?

Comedian. Stand up, come. Jokes. Just keep jerking you fucking asshole. All right, listen, we're going to wrap this shit up. You guys, thank you so much for coming on. We got Bill, you're in town. What are you in town for, by the way?

I just do some shows. I did Laughing Devil this weekend, and then I'm doing night train with Wyatt, Santa on Monday. How was it? How was it? Last night was great. Yeah, it's not super crowded there but it was, it was great. Is it like a 14-seater? Exactly. How was it not super cool? It's, yeah, it's, it's like 50. Right. It's basically a hallway but all right. I want to, I want to come to New York. So you came. Yeah, so that's great. And it was good. people were laughing at a good time All right, great man. They weren't comments. What do you what do you got other what else you got going on?

The radio show I'm on the Alan cox show. What is it the Alan cox show? What is it Cleveland? What what is the name of it? Do I need to help them mess can they go to a website because the Alan cox show dot com or just follow me on Twitter I read about it Bill Squire, okay okay and you guys you guys have any more kids no you chick she was like now you're out of your fucking mind i think i'm just as ten uh... it's crazy you're almost out of it yeah uh... moody got uh... i got nothing right now just recorded an hour that that that that

will probably i don't be out in like months many many, so I don't know when that's happening and I got nothing else work. So again, I feel like when I talk to you, especially on the podcast, I feel like I'm in a time machine and we're doing podcasts in the late 60s. I'm like, man, I'm months, man. I got stuff coming up in the months.

You know, man, I report. It's happening. Hi recorded I fucking hate you I hope you get fucked by a little broad James I hope he just fucks the shit out of you thank you would you fuck them now really now I would have like three maybe three four years ago my what happened now I just I would you join the clan I just grew out of like fucking people

for the story really yeah I will you at the time I would have fucking for the story and now I don't think I would fucking for the story. Really? Yeah. So you just fucking people you like? Or hate, but just not for the story. Well, Mikey, what are you doing, man? What the fuck you got going on? I'm doing, I'm trying to get in the stand-up comedy, so I'm doing minor league shows all over the city. So you're back in, you're back in New York. You and your girl. Yeah.

You move back where you in Brooklyn, you're in Manhattan where you at. Manhattan. Upper East. I'm moving out. You're leaving. My place is on the fucking market. Where you going though, back to Boston?

I feel bad too. There was this guy, a fan of the ONA who really, it was kind of weird. He came to my house, found my house and ring the doorbell one day, and left a letter like he would love to be my real estate guy when they sell my place, which was a little weird.

Yeah, I don't like that. Are you going LA? But anyways, he know, I'm not, I'm just getting a house. But I forgot to, like, I emailed the guy, and I was like, yeah, maybe when I do do it, but I forgot I already have somebody doing it And now this guy just sent me an email the other day. Hey, just remember. So sorry dude. I fucked up But I already got somebody I got a movie. So oh really just

15 really yeah, what is it? It's called and we'll rescue with the late great James Gandalfini and Tom Hardy you the late great James Gandalfini and Tom Hardy. You're infuriating me. You just slipping. Am I more victim? But Morgan, am I, I'm not gonna be famous. People listening, Morgan, you with me.

I don't understand why it's funny. Yeah, anyway, I got a movie coming out with the most mourned man in the country right now. Right, and one of the most two days ago. One of the greatest actors in the history television. Yeah, but I just wanna slide that in. But you can see me greatest actors in the three television, but I just want to slide that in. But you can see me and him in the same frame, maybe for three seconds. I don't give a fuck.

Oh, I had to say something. I don't have anything else. You humble fucking bitching. This fucking, but she's got a fucking thing coming up. Maybe he's doing a radio show in Cleveland. I got shot at. I'm trying to sell, I'm trying to sell my apartment and you're doing a show of Candle Fini and Tom Hardy go fuck yourself I'm gonna get nerd glasses now

not taking pictures with you courtside doing death of a salesman with the Chino and uh oh that would be fun hey what do you have I I have nothing really I mean oh I just I just wrote a play with Christopher walk-in that I'm going to direct and star in with him in space. Did I tell you one time I had to do a radio show and you know, I tried to come up with funny stuff. I did a radio show but I had one such a great writer and she's so funny and fast. I had her write all my jokes for the show. So I put them on speakerphone and she would, she would, she would hear what they asked me

and then she'd write a quick joke and hold it up and I would just read it. And if she fucking the best radio show I've ever done, I just killed on the show. It was the fucking greatest thing ever. Oh my God. So yeah, I'm selling my house. It's up on Sotheby's website It's it's got we had a stage the house Louis J Gomez. Thank God for his fucking gorilla strength and his gorilla brain He helped me we moved all this shit out of my apartment is the gorilla brain a Compliment or not a cup. No, no, it was a monkey brain to be a compliment.

They're very intelligent. The gorilla's over. And they fucking slam the ground. And they fuck shit and eat shit, that's it. And they can do sign language. I told them I go, we gotta move the stuff from my house to the new storage unit. Then we gotta go to the old storage unit

and grab a couple things and move it to the new one. The couple things was actually the whole storage unit. So he opened the door, he goes, what? I was just fucking shit. What shit? We moved the whole storage unit. So yeah, I opened the door, he goes, what? I was just fucking, shit. Shit. We moved the whole thing over, but they took all the photos, and it's on the site, and now my place is up, and my dream, when I moved here 15 years ago,

somebody to own my own apartment, and I did it, and I bought it, and it was a dream apartment. The kitchen was my dream, and the bathroom. It was just, I love my apartment I bought it and it was a dream apartment. The kitchen was my dream and the bathroom. It was just, I love my apartment. I fucking love it. And it was supposed to be in my head, my fuck den. And then it turned into my love den with my chick. And now it's a fucking just a den, which shit,

because the baby, and it's just shit everywhere. So anyways, we're moving out. We're going up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, and over, up, and left. We're trying to get a house. This almost made me cry, because I said to my wife, I'm looking at all these houses on trillier and stuff, and I said, I saw this one with us.

They put their, they never put themselves in the photos, but this one family did. There was this cool house with kind of like a country garden in the back and they were outside and they took a photo and they have an iced tea and they had like a little picnic outside and the sun was setting in the flowers and I go, would it be great, huh? And right around now, it was like 730

and the sun was going, would it be great right now if me and you were out in the backyard and with the kid and Which is breezy and we could have dinner outside and she's like that's That's my dream. She only goes cry and I was like I didn't know that was your fucking dream I think you dreamers to live with me and man and then fucking be cool. I would have left years ago We could have got the fucking dream fucking off the door gas and you asshole I would I would have love to pull back then

You know, so Will we're calling a quits, but I any guys. Thanks for coming on Well, thanks for sitting there. You didn't have much to say, huh? I was processing She you look literally are living the dream that I want to live like I'm studying writing a dish and like I just love that I want to live. Like I'm studying writing a tish. And I just, I just love that. I fucking, I love that this is a whole nother show with this fucking young girl is about to say.

I was just like the whole time like, wait, she works with so many cool people. It's so funny to Kelly is always on the show. And I have Dan Souther and Joe and Yannis can't even fucking help her in a career. The one time I have somebody so cool, I'm even like one of the fucking town. Now what I wanna do when I get there.

One of the best writers out there on a hit show, coolest people I know, fucking hilarious person. Woman, she's on the show, Kelly's like, I'm not gonna make it fucking idiot. And you show up, see that? I know there's always gonna be great people here, so I make the effort to come, and it was definitely worth it today.

Oh, so you're a fan of, so maybe you talked to her after? Yeah, we'll chit chat. Yeah, we'll chit chat, maybe you guys make out in front of us. Yeah. All right, you guys, thanks for listening. You guys, what's your Twitter handle? At Bill Squire.

What's your Twitter handle? At Morgan underscore Murphy. What's your Twitter handle? At Mikey OH21. Why did my mouth just show in Twitter handle? I can't say Twitter handle three times in a row Where what do you don't have a Twitter good for you? And your wife while she doesn't you don't she want I love this what I love about you know

She's like fuck you go. I don't want anything to do with anybody that knows my husband All right, you guys thanks. What's up? We go like You know we try to go spend time with her a perfect Yang Bill I mean I don't know something open. I literally they listen to my radio show like a plug it sounds like a story Yeah, it's like it was all I mean how I Who I got I you know how it was to get out of this love me she literally open up and the show then that's fine That's fine. I'm not gonna end the show I was having a way we go. I'm just saying my wife. She

People listen to my show and their friends of ours and then they become like a pentagon. I'm just saying they, it's so annoying for her to listen to all the radio show talk. She has to, she's like, no more, no more. Yeah, and I'm, yeah, because she's not an asshole. Right. Yeah. That's great. That's a good sign. It's a good thing there. Yeah. She was showing up every day going more more you'd be in trouble She's like yeah, I get it you're on the radio good for you pass the ketchup fucking asshole You guys are great. Thanks for coming on my show Make sure you guys go to tweak.io.com and use the code word dude that's D you D.E

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Performing at a club near you buy the tickets. That's how you support us buy the tickets go see us live Let us let them know let me know that you heard about us You're a fan of the YKWD podcast and and the riot cast network So that we that's how you can support us. That's what we do. We do comedy. We do this podcast stuff. We shits and giggles. Give you an inside look at what the fuck we really think about stuff for you guys, for free.

But we really need you to support our comedy because that's what we do first and foremost. So, and you guys do that. So thank you very much. We'll see you next time. You know what, you know what, you know what,

you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, next time. I'm just gonna stick it. ¡Don't stop filming my face! Ven y vive la emoción de la Navidad con Isema Madrid. Malinche, guá, Juvenalia, Circlásica, oro viejo, Crismas by Starlight, Brech y muchos más para disfrutar con familia y amigos. La Navidad cobra vida con Yfema Madrid. Entren Yfema.es y compra tu entrada. Yfema Madrid. Siente la inspiración.