Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Morgan and Me-Cleanse

Episode Date: September 11, 2010

Morgan and Me-Cleanse Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Is that what it's called? Hang on, you don't talk until I introduce you. Oh. Sorry. I'm hanging out with Morgan Murphy. You might know her from her fucking Twitter. Famous Twitter. Wait, can you get a great twist? And we're fucking sitting here having coffee and tea, shooting the shit And you also write it for Jimmy Fallon Jimmy Fallon, which is a fucking pretty amazing isn't it? Yeah, when he start turning off the music

Well, we kind of slow it down. Don't fucking produce. This is a problem with you. Yeah. You're producing the podcast. You've already talked before you're supposed to talk. Sorry, we've got this fucking intricate setup with like, you know, a table covered in cigarette butts and fucking headphones and the iPod and I mean, I didn't realize that it was a professional operation. It's fucking, they don't know that. They think I'm fine. I got a board. We were in headphones and we're talking to the microphone in a basement studio that I fucking put 60 grand into I'm just staring at your fucking mountain of vitamins and your kitchen That I don't take You want to cigarette?

Sure, I think that was mine. Was that yours? Yeah, well, we're sitting here at my table. Was that yours? Yeah. Well, we're sitting here at my table. And Morgan's probably one of the funniest, you make me laugh. There's not too many people that make me laugh in 140 characters. You make me laugh.

Oh, thanks. I'm gonna have a light dance fucking twizzle. Okay, we'll turn the music down. How's that? I know that's your favorite song. Was that a good song? Did you start to fucking share it? It's like one of those, that's like a new pop song, right? I don't know a lot of I don't know that's like who sings that?

It's Britney Spears a year ago. It was a number one signal All right, let's talk to you we were just talking about Twitter And how many people you have on Twitter? You want the exact number I want the exact number on Twitter? You want the exact number. I want the exact number. How come it like different things tell you different numbers of people? What do you mean different things? Different apps? Yeah, when you like load and you go to different pages it

tells you get different number of people. I have no idea. Just go to your I'm guessing I'm guessing 14 15207 15,000 people yeah, that's pretty wild That's pretty wild. That's pretty good for not being on you know at television show I guess it's all right and for being you that's fucking great. Yeah, that's pretty good. Um, were you from originally? being you, that's fucking great. Yeah. That's pretty good. Where are you from originally? I was born in Oregon, Portland, Oregon. And then when I was a baby, a little baby, I moved to LA

grew up there. Then I moved around a ton. You want to like everywhere? No. Yeah. I'll go ahead and give me a few more. No, I moved, and then I lived in Connecticut for in high school, living in Oregon and high school again.

What were you fucking family in the military? No, they just kind of passed me around a little bit. Really? Yeah. What, you didn't live with your mom and dad? I lived with my mom until I was like 16, 16. Then I lived with her sister. And then her sister's husband, my aunt and uncle.

Right. And then I lived with my mom for a little bit again. And then I lived with my dad. And then I lived with my dad and then live with my dad's Sister and her husband my uncle and another aunt and uncle and I lived with like another family for a summer Jesus Christ. I came back down to LA for college Yeah, the fuck I know it's crazy, but then nobody liked you Not you know, it's I like lived with you know I lived with kind of like

I live with like stay you know kind of rich people my parent my mom couldn't the floor some shit so I'm live with her rich sister and right and then a little more of a stable household right and then the same thing in Oregon just lived with like my dad's rich sister I live with a lot of rich people. Is your family rich? My family is, but I'm not. So it's very like... You've got money? You could, you well off. Me personally?

Yeah. I mean, like, I make a living for myself, but I don't, my family is like crazy rich. Your family's crazy rich? Yeah, like my dad's out of the family, like stupid rich. Like, could you inherit money rich? No, no, no. My dad, my dad blew it all. Oh, he has no money

No, not really I mean he's got some but not like you know his brothers have like jets and shit You know, I mean really well the family is a jet like the Murphy to they give they have a Murphy jet Well like is it a shamrock on it? No, but a lot of shit does I have my dad's you know I've my grandfather's a little golf bag and it's got like a shamrock with an M on it and says very the very proud of Fien Eirish. Oh, they wouldn't golf clubs What's uh what were we talking about a couple things first of all we both did the colon cleanse the the cooler cleanse Yeah, we both we both did that and you liked it. I Didn't mind it. I mean it was it was okay. I did it with my

buddy Eric, I share an office with. Yeah. So we like I had somebody to do it with every day, which was nice because I fucking I hated it. But when you have somebody else to go, all right, it's time for this next juice. Yeah. Then you do it. You don't cheat. All right. Well, here's the thing. The juice goes like this. She ordered from the place. They deliver it to you. It's six juices a day. Different juice. They're marked one, two, three, four, five, six on the little bottle. You drink them in order. Every two hours. Is it every two hours? You didn't read the instructions. No, I didn't read that. I didn't, I didn't, look, my wife said, I want to do this. I said, I just say fine. I just go with it. Yeah. And then I, she didn't tell me any, the juices came we just started fucking drinking them. No, you drink your supposed drinks in one every two hours

But I didn't but I live a fucked up schedule though. I mean I'm up I sleep until fucking 12 and then I I'm up until five I don't want to drink a fucking juice at fucking three in the morning. All right, well so anyways the fucking juice comes to your house. Yeah, and Well, so anyways the fucking juice comes to your house. Yeah, and You for three days. This is all you can't have sugar. You can't have you can't have caffeine No, you can't have anything you can have a couple of decaf tea if you wanted. Yeah, I with no sugar a lot of water a lot of water Which I really didn't drink a lot. Yeah, but I should have and then and the first drink is a green drink. Which is just disgusting.

It's kale, cucumber, everything fucking. It was like ginger, which I hate. Like I hate ginger and that's the thing that's supposed to cut the taste, I hate and I hate the thing that cuts the taste. So I hated it. It was fucking tough to get down. The first day it wasn't that bad.

I've drinking, I've drinking, drinking, drinking. I've heard it both ways. I've drank that shit before. I've had that green fucking immune action. There was a Japanese store around the corner and you'd go in and be like, give me a immune action. A immune action. And he would bow every time he gave it to me. Me and Norton used to go there all the time. Aune action. And would you like, Immune action. And he's closed now. So, but then there was the grapefruit, which I liked.

I liked the grapefruit. I mean, we both agree. We both agree. We both agree. Yes, which is great. The mint is good. In a grapefruit. In grapefruit, I hate fucking grapefruit.

I don't drink grapefruit, but now I like grapefruit juice because it was the best thing And then the next one was another green green green again So you had a fucking chug that shit down. Yeah, then after that was beat No, no, no, that's coconut is after that and then beat oh Coconut and then beat yeah, okay, I fucking the coconut was the worst coconut water I love it is the fucking worst thing I've ever done it's disgusting. It's disgusting

Go down to the bodega and get like bite a coconut. I don't ever I will never if I'm on an island like fucking Tom Hanks Yeah, I will not crack an open up. I will drink my own fucking piss and eat my own your fucking shit. I would fuck I would suck Fish juice out of a fish before I fucking had coconut I don't actually think that's true. I think you would actually go for the coconut first I would suck fish juice out of a fish before I fucking had coconut water. I don't actually think that's true. I think you would actually go for the coconut first. No, yes, in reality, but funny-wise, I wouldn't. Well, I'm taking improv course.

You're really fucking focused on being funny if you're stuck on an island. You should really commit to that joke alone. What are you talking about? You fucking made a fucking blood ball friend. Wilson, you don't think he was fucking cracking himself up? Fucking trying out new bits on Wilson? What are you talking about? You fucking made a fucking blood ball friend, Wilson. Oh, you don't think he was fucking cracking himself up? Fucking trying out new bits on Wilson? Fucking Christ, what a fucking shit movie. Anyway, then he didn't even get the girl

that fucking winds up marrying somebody else, what a crap movie. But even he got sick of coconut juice. He was fucking sick of it. It stinks. Coconut water sucked. It has the worst aftertaste. It's just, it is something that hits the back.

The front fucking taste buds, I'm okay with it. When it hits those back ones, whatever those are, it made me fucking gag. Yeah. I still have all of it in the fridge. I can't drink it. Then the beat. That was a truck going by. The beat was horrific. The beat was fucking, I could deal with the beat. I can't drink it. Then the beat. That was a truck going by.

The beat was horrific. The beat was fucking, I could deal with the beat. I can't do the beat. You know, the trick is to put everything on ice. A lot of ice. Put it in a cup. Are you supposed to? Well, I know from drinking shit shakes because, you know, when I've been in shape and out of shape my whole fucking life. I know that the protein shakes, someone told me once, just put a lot of ice in it and it will fucking dilute the fucking taste and it's really really cold so it tastes better. The beat I could deal with, I wound up mixing the beat with the green so it gave the green a little sugary taste which wasn't bad. And then the last one of the night, you're supposed to drink before

you go to bed is the almond. It's like your dessert. It's the dessert, but it tasted pretty much like fucking hotel lotion. It tasted like fucking body lotion. I liked it. That's when I looked forward to. That was like, I'd bring that out with me. It's like my candy. When other people were enjoying a nice meal.

It wasn't like, it was fucking this. Again, in ice, it wasn't that bad, but me and my wife would sit on the couch with our fucking almond shake at the end of the night And it would it was a never ending cup of shit It took a sip and it was still there. It was took a sip of shit The whole thing is like you spend the entire time just going why am I doing this? Like that's the thing is like you spend the whole time just going what? Why am I I can afford food?

That's the bright guys the thing is like you go I can afford food. That's the bright guys thing. It's like, you go, I can eat food right now. If I wanted to, I'm a grown up, I can do whatever the fuck I want. Why am I torturing myself? And it's not like it, you know, it's not like you're still ingesting like 1200 calories. It's not like you're starving yourself.

Well, you know what's weird is when now that I, that's a fucking weird point you bring up because now that I can afford to eat wherever, I can just go into now that I can afford to beat wherever I can just go into a restaurant. My, I've never been able to go into a restaurant and just go to any restaurant and lay down whatever it doesn't matter. Yeah. I don't think about a bill, which is a great place to be and I'm happy to be there. But now I can just go buy whatever food I want.

I can have whatever delivered. When I was living on 97th Street and Billy Burzel's old apartment, fucking sleeping on a couch for three years in the fucking projects, I fucking couldn't eat what I wanted to eat. I had to eat specific shit, but maybe twice a day if I was lucky, a fucking, you know, a chocolate-covered pretzel for a buck-fifty,

and then some fucking, you know, chink rice, you know, but now I can fucking, that's why it's so hard to when you get older when you get a job And you have fucking money coming in you can just fucking eat whatever the fuck you want Yeah, so that's why you get fucking fat But the cleanse is supposed to clean your body out right of all you fucking bullshit no caffeine too I drink fucking 19 cups of coffee a day So you get a headache. It's putting headache every Headache every day all day. What else happened to you? I shit my pants. Oh yeah. Well I came up the second day I was sitting in that chair and usually I come up in the

morning and I literally I have a cup of coffee. I have a haul of a cigarette and I go take a shit. That's what I do. Yeah. I just I am like clockwork. I take a shit every day. Couple of sip of coffee, haul of a cigarette. I gotta go take a shit. Fucking people magazine. Us Weekly, I'm fucking down there. And I didn't have to- Nice to have a routine like that.

I did, it is. I did. A routine is nice, whatever it is. I didn't shit though, I didn't have to shit, I didn't feel like I had to shit, I just like little farts. And I picked a cheek up to fucking squeeze one out. It came out of my ass instantly. It just filled my fucking

underwear up. And then it was like an avalanche where it comes down fucking liquidy and then just immediately hardens. That's what happened. It just came down and then hardened in my mouth. I had a lava. I didn't do this This is the worst the what lava hitting water. Yeah, yeah, dude this you created like new land The I this is the funny part those I didn't know what to do like I wanted I was like I was just looking at my wife and she had a yellow me go downstairs Go down stairs She was going to go like, do you need to be changed? No, she was just, let me come on. She was laughing at my face, laughing at my face, hysterically just laughing at me.

And then I think she pointed at me at one point, like laughing, ah, what the fuck are you Norton? What am I married to fucking Norton? What do you expect? She's like, grabs some wet ones and be like, alright honey, let's clean y'all off. I don't know. I fucking, I had to go in the shower with all my clothes on and just close myself off. I might underwear a fuck, I just threw them out yesterday.

I had to put them in a fucking bag. But um, this fucking clan, I mean, at the end of it how did you feel? I felt like, oh I did that, I don't know why. I mean I didn feel? I felt like oh I did that I don't know why I mean I didn't I felt fine I guess I actually felt good really I felt good because I Good that I finished it like it was as far as like will power goes right and I'm not a million years What I've been able to do by myself right, but I felt good that I got through something terrible But then I was like well, I put myself in that position. Which is kind of cool. I like that. That was one thing I felt good about it. Is that I put myself in a fucking crazy, I can't do this position. I'll never make it.

And I did it. And I made it, which I think is good to do in life. I think you should put yourself in those positions where you, I'm never going to do this. And then you fucking do it. But I actually felt better physically. Like, I'm fucking bloated a lot of the time. Because especially the last couple of weeks, I've been eating like a savage. I was at Nick DePolo's barbecue on Sunday. I'm told.

No, I wasn't invited. Yeah, I know you're not. I wasn't in town, but. No, you wouldn't have been invited. Yeah, it's all right. It's all right. But I wasn't even invited. I don't even know if I was invited.

I didn't have fucking. I don't know. into fighting it. I don't even know if I was invited. I don't know Nick does it. It's like for we'll talk about that after about sucky friends But uh-huh, it's the worst fucking bunch of shit dicks I have as friends, but uh-uh I I ate I went three hamburgers two sausages Steak tips potato salad You just you just all you do is eat all you just stand around and go like oh shove that in my mouth. Yeah, that's that's sitting there

Yeah, especially gay barbecues Just shoving cock in your mouth, but Yeah, it was fucking terrible. I felt like shit Tuesday when I I did that Monday and then Tuesday I started this fucking stupid thing. So now it's Saturday. I feel way way better. Yeah, I'm not fucking skinny by no means. But I've now, I'm not no carbs, no fucking sugars. I'm not, I don't, I just tried to have coffee. I can't have it.

I'm drinking tea now. So it did kind of cleanse my palate and took all that shit up and took all the fucking, that salty, sweet fucking craving you get. When you're a fatty. Yeah, you just want that fucking who I just want to potato chip with some chocolate. Yeah, you have ever chocolate to cover potato chip. Yeah, you have ever chocco covered bacon. Yes. Holy shit. I ate that and fucking Toledo. You ever have they have a there's a brand of chocolate with chocolate

bar brand you can buy it's like dark chocolate bar with chocolate pieces of bacon in it. Oh yeah, I had chocolate covered bacon. It was literally a fucking strip of fat, gorgeous bacon dipped in chocolate. Little too much, but little chips of fucking bacon. Oh my God, it's so good. That's the way it is. It's crazy good. And they also sell, you can also buy a pancake mix

with little pieces of that chocolate bar in it. So it's like bacon chocolate pancakes. All right, first of all, this is turning into a fucking movie FATZO. Get the honey, Jew. Yee-eat the oony! This is fucking, I'm gonna fucking throw this whole week off-killed. I'm gonna be cooking up a fucking hunter's stew in a second. Listen, so yeah, I suggest if anybody wants to do it, fucking do it, it's coolerclenz.com, they ship it right to your house. It's kind of expensive, but it actually,

to fucking challenge yourself, and at the end of the three days, if you did it, I felt better. I mean, you're skinny, you've never been fat, right? And they've been fat, but I did it just for like the cleansing. You know, I'll do anything that people say makes them happier. I'll try it. You know, I'll give it a go.

I did like a colon, I did colonics at some fucking German wellness place in the city. Some some place. I let some ladies take a tube of my butt and, you know, I did the one where you do it yourself in LA. You're lying a bed. It's like a... I was just calling you at home. I'm trying to... It's literally a bed you go in. do it yourself in LA. You line a bed. It's like a- I was just calling you at home. I was just calling you at home.

I was just calling you at home. I was just calling you at home. It's literally a bed you go in. You lie down in it and you have to stick the tube in your ass yourself. And I stuck it in my ass, but I put it too far in my ass hole. And then my ass tightened up and I pulled the tube out of the machine. So I had to ring the bell. I had to ring the bell. I had to ring the bell.. And we're supposed to do it yourself. You need like some

with like a certificate. No, this thing you lie in it was it was fucking great. You go in, you loop up the fucking tube, you're supposed to put it in your ass just like an inch. I don't think this is supposed. I don't think it's a real thing. I think you walked in, the doctor looked at you. It was like, I'm not looking at his ass. And fucking make it do it. No, I swear to god, it's a fucking you lie down. It's like a toilet bed And you put this in your asshole

She hits the button when you're ready and then you just sit there and watch the shit There's like a big clear tube and you watch this fucking algae and sea monsters Yeah, that's all and but I she had to get back in she's like what's wrong? I was like I had to fixuring like little like the fucking witch in Wizard of Oz, like, you know, like the man like floating by in the tube, like that just came out of your ass. Just fucking crazy shit comes in. I went to one in New York, the regular one with the lady,

does it? And I, she, I'm on the machine. First of all, it's in a fucking apartment. It's in like some apartment across from the fucking museum. Yeah. The natural history museum and You can literally there's a window and I can look into some old ladies apartment like from where I'm sitting I think you just picked shady places like a lady's went to some lady with a fetish

So fucking crazy lady put an ad on like let me watch love to just Come over to my apartment I think you should have she should have been wary of it when she when you fucking when she paid you to do it No, she actually she just took a donation of hair pins and donuts She so we're sitting there and the machine went and literally went go-go-go-go-k and stalled and then she went you don't chew your meat do you? I fucking stalled her fucking machine out. Oh god. But the colon the fucking colon cleanse actually you feel good, but it's it's a saying It's it's it's it's the cleanse this cleanse that type of cleanse. You don't lose weight

You lose some maybe a couple pounds from just getting the shit out of you. Yeah, you feel way better But now you have I have to for me I have to go on this fucking crazy diet again for the next fucking six months The no no sugar no I'm not gonna have no sugar. I'm gonna have fucking no carbs for a month and then fucking integrate. My mom's doing that.

She's been doing that for a long time. I eat carbs though. Don't get me wrong. I eat like carrots, you know, like healthy carbs, just no fucking grise and breads. And that shit goes into my stomach and literally fments. It turns into fucking like like a prohibition alcohol. If you eat shit, you can't stop.

You have like that problem. Like if you have like, if you have bread and shit, you just can't fucking stop eating it. Well, yeah, something of, I don't know what it's just, I have that attic fucking genius. But it sugars a fucking, sugar is addictive. That's what it is. I mean, you know, my mom's fucking crazy with food and she's, she's now for like the first time in her life. She's not doing like carbs or she's not doing bread, you know, no flour, no sugar, but she's like, she also won't shut up about it.

It's like all she taught, you know, if I call her, she's like, it's a lifestyle, it's a light, like she's fucking obsessive about it. You have to be though. It's a lifestyle, I have to do it, it's a lifestyle, it's a lifestyle, it's a fucking diet, but she's. You have to. Yeah. You have to.

I mean, it's so funny though, because there's people out there there that don't I can gain fucking 30 pounds in like two months. I can really gain 30 pounds I've seen it It's fucking awful. It's fucking terrible to be able to fucking put that much weight on that fast I can take it off that yeah, but it sucks You know my heart is just fucking dead because it's been pumping trying to it's been skinny and fat it my heart has low self-esteem it's awful but so if anybody's gonna do the diet it's cooler cleanse.com it's it's it's it's not a diet it's a cleanse but it will fucking put you on the right path as far as cleaning your system out and

not craving the bullshit that you crave. After that I suggest to go on a fucking South Beach type thing which is like two weeks with no carbs. Why not you do what my mom does? Not going to die you make it a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. I lock every morning for 30 minutes with a dog and I just change my lifestyle. My whole way of eating. I change my lifestyle. I hope your mother dies If that's really your mother I hope you're sure is she really? She a red head to yeah Yeah, yeah, you got like a big red fro really yeah, I remember the first time I saw a red bush It was fucking amazing to me. It was like bright red bush. Yeah, but it freaked me out because in her thighs I could see the veins she was so pale. I thought you were talking about Louis

But it freaked me out because in her thighs I could see the veins. She was so pale. I thought you were talking about Louis. Fuckin' Louis. It's a nice segue. Let's talk about friends. You have LA friends. Yeah. And you have New York friends.

And the thing that people don't realize is that most people, comics, we have comic friends. Yeah. We very rarely do we have, I mean we have these fucking squares, these fucking citizens, friends, regular people there too but most of us have comic friends and you know people that people out there regular people you have friends that you socialize with you call every day you talk to you email you you go out to dinner you do fun shit with you do your work separately right

and then when you come home you hang with your friends our friends are at our work right we don't see our friends very rarely do we see our my friends I don't I don't I don't fucking get phone calls the only one that calls me is Colin yeah Colin call me what's up what's going on we'll shoot the shit but he's never been to my house he's been here once I've lived here for three years like a hatchet I thought that was the other place he came over to hatch it yeah because I fucking call him a fat old cont1 night on on the phone and then he showed up but we do our three in the morning with a hatchet I'm not how we got by I was in a dormant building I got by that fucking dirty Filipino at the door with a

hatchet who let somebody any need of even like get announced? He just came out. Like you go dad stairs in the fucking door man's like bludgeon to death. I didn't even fucking fucking douche. Me and Colin have done some fucked up shit. I'm a one time he was in front of Comedy Center. I want it used to be on 58th.

And we were fighting through the whole park. We were walking through center by throwing sticks at each other and chasing each other. And we got over there. I picked up a rock and threw it and hit his knee. It really hurt. And he was in front of like all the people that come to Central. And he just fell to the ground, writhing and pain. And they were like concerned. They were like, Robert Kelly through a rocky, Colin Quinn. They thought we were like really fighting but there was another time too We were both fat fox we went to the 69 diner up there grill 69 or 66 or whatever the fuck

Route 66 and we ate like fucking savages Then we went to the cheese place and sat at the bench the bench exploded This bench has been there for 10 years. It's been in front of this place for 10 years. We, it's not there anymore. It's just a long, yeah. And we ran, and I ran around the block to his house, and I waited for him, because I knew he was coming that way. He shows up.

I seem coming with a bag of goodies. He went to the deli and bought cookies and donuts and tea. And I scared him. I came up behind him. What the fuck are you doing with that food He punched me in the face twice. He went motherfucker and bash me in the nose twice And the only thing that made me happy is that I was laughing historically my nose was fucking bleeding and And then the only thing that made me happy is his T spilled in the bag and wet all his fucking pastries

Fat cunt, but By the way also fucking regular people don't laugh this much at their friends misery you know you never hear like you never hear like a banker go yeah and then I fucking punch my coworker in the face we were laughing so hard yeah yeah yeah punch my coworker I got fired that's it like that's the story it's not yeah but that the thing is the only thing that makes this laugh is miserable fucked up shit Yeah, we don't laugh it regular normal shit like I go home to like barbecues and shit and The conversations and they're laughing. I'm like what the fuck are you talking about?

You also have to fucking you have to hold back everything you want to say because you're just gonna It's not even gonna be funny to people. It's just gonna be weird. Yeah, you don't want to say look at her, man. Yeah, that's my did your cousin you weirdo Yeah, look at that ass. It's just joking around because they won't get it Yeah, it's fucked up my friends. I they were all I mean my friends consist of I don't even know if they have my friends I consider them my friends, but I'm they probably don't consider me their friend in some respect. They probably consider you like the weird fun guy. Hey, you can invite Bobby to some things, but not all things. Yeah, that's fucking, I just hate my life.

But you have LA friends that you, that's the difference in LA. People do shit. You guys go to movies. You go to fucking dinner. You'll go out after and fucking go to tie. Or you'll fucking just, you'll go out after and fucking go to tie, or you'll fucking just go have a cup of tea and fucking talk feelings and shit. It's like when I was out there for three months or a couple years, it's like people, like let's go, we'll go to go here, we're going up a canyon. I want to, I walked up a canyon every day and then went to the gym and then went to lunch with some other fucking guy and then fucking had dinner and it's like you know Monday night there's no people are doing things if there's not a show people are

actually going out and then there's barbecues and there's fucking parties and there's fucking trampoline parties and there's all these weird fucking things that people do. Yeah we're screening a movie on the rooftop my friends lockdown town should come we're gonna be grilling. It's gonna be lovely If I asked one of my friends over for dinner if I said yeah, come on over We're gonna fucking watch this old silent film and they'd fucking you fuck yourself now I got a spot you got a 10 minutes spot in the East Village and my fucking coming over your house and being social I used to do a documentary night in their way It was like my favorite thing like it just a nerd out like just go get documentaries and order some Chinese foods

Moves and pot watch some documentaries. Yeah, you've been yeah, try doing that here. I do do it here by myself Everyone's out party and I'm at home watching some documentary about abortion Let me tell you something today you coming over is the third time my double's ranked Since I've lived here My doorbell hasn't rang since I was in like junior high on a consistent basis You know the last time I heard no one's just stopped over my house, too. That's the one thing about this fucking ship business Nobody just comes over. What's up, dude? What are you doing? Yeah, hey? Don't come over if I would have a call and tell us right now and just rang the doorbell

He'd be like, dude, what are you doing here? This is uncomfortable. I'm your friend. You can't just go buy Norton's house. You can't, I just should delete all their fucking numbers, all of them. Why don't you right now?

I don't know, because it's show business, I might need them. I might need their fucking help. Bye. Hey, by the way, what'salia, circlásica, oro viejo, Y fue la inspiración. Es una ayuda de la gente. No, no. No, es que... Yo me lo sé, porque es lo que me gusta y que se se and she just sits there. This one wants to play. I don't like this. That's why I want a boy. I mean, I want to grow. I don't want a fucking cat. Well, you don't like the snobs. They don't fucking that dog comes up sits on you. She has to be on you, on near you. And fucking sleeps when you sleep gets up when you get up goes out when you goes out and then if you're like

Let's go home. She'll go home. She's fucking just that's it. Yeah, that's all this one wants to play with a fucking toy 24 hours a day. Oh, you're gonna make a great dad. That's why I want a boy. I want to I'm in a girl I want a girl. I just want a girl that does her shit and I want a fucking kid a boy that has to go to fucking literally games and What if you get a tomboy like me? Where'd you a little girl I'll kill it I'll fuck it I'll fuck it and then kill it I'll fuck it and then kill it oh that's not nice he doesn't mean it oh haha oh look at that fucking dog but um so now there's nothing else to talk about you don't know you don't even know you like gadgets I don't I like I like gadgets I don't buy. I gotta get I gotta get a new laptop. I want to get the iPad. I want to get a new phone. I don't know. I got all this shit. I want to buy. It's just expensive.

Maybe you got money. Yeah, but you know, I don't know. I get worried about all that being done. I don't have enough I don't have enough to just spend anything I want and you know still not have to worry I have worries. I have concerns. I have two parents who you know lost all their money It's fucking it's nerve-wracking. I don't want to go down that road. I had my parents lost their money too Really? That's fucking weird man. That's such a fucking Unfuckable evil feeling is when you your parents are like we don't I need money. Yeah, you're like fuck Yeah Your parents are like we don't I need money. Yeah, you're like fuck. Yeah My mom's not like in the right she's not like She's kind of in denial though about like what she has because she had we had money

You know I grew up and I had like the white picket fence house and like you know in LA like in the hills and you know Now she's just she doesn't have money and she's like I want a house I want to buy a house like you can't fucking afford a sweater stop talking like she's talking like this yeah you know and I'm like I'm not I don't have enough to support you so go you know fucking I don't know get a job at it it fucking Applebee's or something because I can't I can't do it I know it's fucking tired my mom had to like bring in like foreign exchange students because she had such a big house. Yeah. This big house with all these bedrooms.

That's when my mom has two empty bedrooms. That's all to do the fucking, bring a couple of fucking Koreans in and Russian. Bring a Brazilian. I tell you she had one time, she had this fucking hot Brazilian girl living in the house. Yeah. It was fucking nerve-wracking. It was nerve, I couldn't even go home and visit. Because I'm sitting next to my wife, and the TV room is downstairs, and the bedroom where she was staying is right there.

And I was watching TV, and I'm just fantasizing, like, her coming out in just a robe, thinking nobody's up, and then I'm up in just my underwear, and then she comes up, oh, hello, to the bed. And then, my wife is like like fucking in the other room. My mother's upstairs, my brother's upstairs. You also know like she doesn't know the fucking laws of the lamp so you can just convince her that like she's supposed to blow you as part of her part of the trend,

you know the exchange program. I'll probably just take my cock out and it's just like her old old times at her house and fucking a centipolo. She sees my cock. Okay. Not that you'd be choking on it but just be a silent fucking. This is like Pavlovian fucking in pulse. It's like well there's a cock. I'm supposed to put it in my mouth. I just put 30 American on the table and I write on her hand Listen, we negotiate on the palm of her hand Yeah, really? Negotiate. Yeah, you take the hand. I think Patrice and I did that Patrice just took her she went like I think one it was like 200 and he scratched it out on her hand and then wrote 150

Like with his finger like it was an actual pen and then she scratched it out with his finger, like it was an actual pen, and then she scratched it out on his hand and went, no, 175. And he went, one, one 55. Okay, and then they get ahead and on, and then just disappear for 20 minutes. But, yeah, that's why, you know, black people, maybe that's why their palms are lighter so they can write on it, you know, it's like the one part of their body that they can use as like a sticky pad. It's almost like a sticky pad. You write directions on their spot. I'm terrible.

Why would you say that? No, let me ask you one more thing before we get a wrap to the subsoon, but you wrote for the Emmys. You went to the Emmys. I was there to contribute, you know, we can't talk about it. Why? We can't talk about it. Oh really?

That's interesting. Now I want to talk about it. We can talk about it later. Why is it like a clause you signed? No, I just, I didn't tell. I was not technically a writer on the Emmys. Okay, so you just went out to the Emmys though. I went out to the Emmys. You went to the Emmys. Yeah. You were there.

Were you on a gown? Yeah, wore a gown. You were, was it green? A tight, fitting, strapless number. Right? It was beautiful. Was it beautiful? Did you walk the red carpet?

It felt like a pretty princess. Did you take a, like, take a limo and take the red carpet? Did you get on a white van and come through the back door? Me and like four other riders took like a rental Suzuki part of backstage a lesbian fucking four wheel why do all lesbians have that Suzuki for you have the Subaru they always have the Outback they have the outback they have the Suzuki the fucking soft top Suzuki the one you're right in a Ruba and the one that's cool in a Ruba they also like that what said the old the remake of the old car

I can't remember what is called this easy top type car. You don't talk about the PT cruiser Yeah, they they look like the new PT cruiser. Oh the fucking PT cruiser is the worst car ever They love that you get into it. It's like like a shitty office Stuck cube there's no way to put you drink Like a shitty office It's the cube. There's no way to put your drink. There's no dash the dashboard is like a fucking like a mile high The the fucking front the front window The windshield is like two inches you fucking thick like two inches wide. Yeah, it's fucking awful But so you didn't write for the fucking Emmys now you're back in New York. Yeah, do you like New York?

Not really. I mean, I mean, it's okay. I don't love it. I don't know why people get, you know, that they fucking get so excited about this place. It's dirty. It's trash everywhere. It's fucking smells like piss. Yeah. I don't get the appeal of that. I don't get the appeal of like living on top of each other and talking, you know, I think people here like to, I think they like to like perpetuate their misery a little bit, you know. I think the rat race of it, some people strive off of, you know, an LA, you can fucking, it's a lonely, lonely place,

but when you walk, when you walk out on the street here, there's people around all the time, because you can't walk down a street in New York and not be with somebody else walking. Yeah, but that's me as lonely, or the idea of being lonely in a group of people, like surrounded by people. It's just like it's so much lonely, or then, you know, holding up in your house in LA, where at least there's some space. It'd been an LA, like, I mean, like you just walked over here today. That's fucking crazy.

I mean, Joe DeRosal lives three blocks away. Yeah. That fucking creep called me up to fucking go get a sweater Oh, is that what he was doing? Yeah, he was like do you want to come out? It's like a gay man You want to go down to midtown to get a sweater? Yeah, he knows what he wants and he goes there and you sit on the I when I go shopping with D'Arosa It's like I feel I don't like I don't like hanging out with guys where I end up playing this gender role reversal Where it's like we go into a store and I sit on the couch and I just watch him come out with like nine different sweaters they all have

the fucking same. Yeah just fucking tired. Yeah. You want to sit on like a shoe stand? Yeah it's like me and like four husbands just gonna give me the fuck out of here like I can't do it but he's you know he likes fashion what can I say. Very can tell fucking cardiganigan. It's fucking September 11th. What are you getting a cardigan for? He wants to be alt so bad. He doesn't want to be mainstream. He just wants to be that fucking edgy alt. Yeah.

Look at the cardigan. The cardigan, he wants to sign cardigans after his fucking shows. Just have a guy y'all know, card, get the Jotaro's a cardigan. Cardigans here. Has like a logo on it. Like, the shoulders are cut out. He should get like those wet worn like vintage t-shirts, you know, just like make, you

know, make a, make his own merch, but like make hipster merch. Yeah, hips like a cool hat. Yeah. Where glasses even though you know, you know, you have perfect eyesight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And grow a beard that doesn't connect. Just so you can be in the fucking scene. Why do all fucking all guys have beards? What's up with the beard?

I don't know. I don't know. And all, most, some all women have beards. I think the beard thing drives me crazy because the beard at some point I think did reflect on someone's personality. Like you could look across from a girl like, oh that's an interesting person. Right. So the beard now it's like now you just go, it's another fucking dumbass.

I don't... With a beard? With a beard. You actually have to like talk to somebody for five minutes to find out what kind of beard they are. You know, like, are you a beard because fucking everybody else's or was just like an old thing that you started before it was a movement. Yeah. You know, who started? Zach Alaphanaq has started the beard, didn't he? Yeah, he started the beard

in history. He was the first, I mean, like, you know, in comedy, it's just such a... You know, it's weird, as I think back in the day, you always watch, I love westerns. I'm a big fucking western fan and you look back and they were all just clean shaven And I was like, you know how hard it was to fucking shave back then. Yeah, it was like dude There's no way you have that close of a shave. Yeah, there's no way Well, they were you know also they probably also like filthy just yellow gangrenous teeth and fucking, you know Terrible they smell like shit all the time and then the the guy comes in after being like looking for this girl for a year off the road Clean shaven, right? And then it comes in and just bangs the chick. It's like you know this asshole and balls Must just stink and you know her pussy smells because they didn't have tampons back then

They had a fucking like a pair of underwear with cloth that they had to put on And I mean even before then, what did before that? Yeah. What did women do like in the 16th century? They went into the fucking woods and waited for it to end. What do you mean? You just go into the woods and you just fucking squat for six days and wait till your body stops bleeding.

No, really. That's what I still do. Today I go to the Central Park, that I just fucking bleed out, and I wait for it to stop and I go back to work It was just a dried volcano pile of you fucking dead baby blood in the park somewhere. Yeah It's fun. It's like an Easter egg hunt But they're back then they didn't they they just blend. I mean you just blend well

I mean at some point that's like primitive times. I don't know and then they then they you know made They started making more and more convenient shit to help you You know, I don't know soak it up like you can look like in bread and like you know The like when you've done with your muscles and you soak the bread up. Oh, you just stick a loaf of sick I love the old bread in your in your panties and just wait for it But what happened before they had bread? I Don't know you just you just like fucking that's what you got married your husband just put his hands under there and collect it I don't fucking know I'm making this up. I don't have to be a-

Well the heck did he something that I mean just women just had bloody cunts like walking on the street No she's she didn't get a baby this time. Yeah. Let's just bloody fucking I mean just blood. I mean maybe the upper class people had, but like the people in the villages, the shit villages. Yeah. I mean, what the fuck did they use to stop up all that fucking dirty blood?

They just bled from their fucking twats into their panties. I don't know, maybe like a sheep or something? I don't fucking know. Maybe the way the fucking cotton industry was so fucking big at one point, they were like, we found something to put these. That's the only reason America needed slaves.

I can see. Like we found some shit, that we found some shit that people can shove up their fucking twats. Get those, we need cotton motherfuckersers we don't care what we have to do to get it man we're just so fucking excited to have some some some way to not look at their their wives just looking bleeding all day that they they couldn't be in the field thinking about it justifies slavery they were just

like look we've needed this for a long time. I can't think about it, so I can't be in the field with you. I can't be in the field with you. We need to get another people. It's terrible. It's terrible. All right, so. I love that people will probably listen and going what the fuck happened they're probably fucking with their iPod all three people that listen to this.

Do you have a lot of followers? You have a lot of fans. I have. Would you call your fans or they did? Is there like a nickname for them? I don't know. I mean, no. I tried to think of a nickname for fans.

Like instead of fans because I don't like saying fans. I like this certain comics that really hey my fans and fans and I I don't like calling them my fans. Yeah, how about my my my my none of my friends my my fucking supporters No supporters. Yeah, but you got like a nicked, you know like the Bobby's No, I'm not suggesting that in reality the fat nation That's all right, you like that one or take it fat nation. No, how about? The fatties No, no

The the creeps All right, I like the creeps. All right. I like the creeps. Yeah, I mean, you gotta have something. What does a dainham, does he have like a name for his people? I don't know, fans, he calls them fans. It's like, you know, he calls them fans. There's a bunch of people.

I don't know, I just don't like saying fans. I ain't saying fans because I picture some 40 year old guy who really busts his ass hard and has his, like a, he's a fucking man man has family in a house and bills and then I'm like hey my fan you're my yeah fucking fan you just like my comedy how about comedy likers yeah yeah comedy likers is good yeah whatever but anyways I think there's three people that listen to this but yeah and I really like my podcast being really just sucky, you know, because people have these podcasts now I'm glad that I could I'm glad that I could you know live up to your expectations. Yeah, fucking great

Well, this is why because people have these podcasts now everybody has a fucking podcast and they're high-end and they're fucking Oh my god, I'm gonna go to a podcast about this podcast really over yeah, what's gonna what's gonna be called? Why did I just do that yeah It's fucking awful. It's just awful but but there's somebody who's gonna listen to this There's gonna be at least one person that likes this fucking broadcast There's one person that's gonna be like dude. That was good. You should have Morgan on more like Like we're a team now. Yeah, but you're fans of you like oh, what was it? It's like it's good Yeah, it's it. Yeah, it's a good. Hey, it's a team now. Yeah, but you're fans of you like, oh, was it tits like tits good?

Yeah, it's a good. Yeah, it's a good. It's just to let you know. You should have Morgan on more. Tell us a take it off. Well, Morgan's tits are good. I've never seen them, but I'm imagining that they're fucking they're nice.

She's a pretty girl. She's I say unconventionally good looking. That's a that's almost a compliment thing. Yeah. I mean, I would do you. Oh my god, it's so nice. You welcome. You welcome. You welcome. I'm not a type because I actually have my shit together too much. No. What? Yeah. No, you don't. I don't. Do you mean no? Anyways, so this podcast is basically done for my iPhone. Yeah, it's a shit podcast and I do it whenever I want to do it What's it called? It's called you know what dude? It's just I don't know that's the name of it. I might change the name

But that's the name of it. It's not making fun of me. Me just yapping about shit. Yeah but That's that's, that's it. And I just end it like this. Well, where do I go to not subscribe to this? La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sinfín de aventuras desperan. ¡Friparás! Vuelades de Madrid, a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones en volotea.com de A.com.